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Another and more recent survey conducted by a South African magazine
also asked if bartenders could identify a patron's personality based on
the drinks they ordered.
Some fifty bartenders from across the country were interviewed, and
although they were questioned separately, they did concur on most items.
IF MEN DRINK -
Castle Lager
Unimaginative, boring, civil servant types stuck in a job they hate
who drink alcohol purely because they don't have DSTV or a girlfriend.
This type thinks that NuMetro is a kind of posh train service and that
News Café is a bookshop. If you are a boss looking for a loyal employee,
look no further than a Castle drinker!
Lion Lager
Unimaginative, boring, civil servant types stuck in a job they hate
who drink alcohol purely because they don't have M-Net but a fat wife.
High suicide rate.
Hansa
This crowd is made up mostly of guys who used to be on the cutting edge
some ten years ago in the 90's - but nobody has told them that having a
studded fake diamond earring in one ear and gold-capped teeth ceased
being socially-acceptable in 1994.
Carling Black Label
Stay away from this lot. If they have never been to jail it's because
our Safety and Security Ministry is so inefficient or they're simply out
on bail. Thugs, gangsters, murderers, Pirates fans and wife-beaters, the
lot of them! Will never own a better car than a 1996 Mazda Sting with
17-inch rims and a Sony boombox.
Amstel
Real wannabe intellectual types who are label-conscious. On any given
Saturday afternoon the average Amstel drinker is found dressed in a
Bafana jersey, Diesel jeans and red R1,200 Nike sneakers. Typically
drive a Golf V and have a Nokia 9300.
Heineken
Wannabe, pretentious types who fancy themselves to be unique and on the
cutting edge. Truth be told, they hate the taste of Heineken but will be
damned if they will have their first love, Hansa. In ten years, they'll
be just like today's Hansa drinkers, ie. the guys everybody laughs at
because they support Sundowns and still drive their 2006 Mazda Sting.
Windhoek Lager
Same as the Heineken crowd above but add "got no money to buy Heineken."
Miller
Closet fags who only have Miller in public. Truth be told, they're
really Hooch, Bacardi Breezer or Smirnoff Spin drinkers in private.
Savannah
Alcoholics who are acutely aware of that "6% v/v" on the label.
Castle Milk Stout
Aggressive alcoholics who do not know what "6% v/v" means.
Castle Lite
Serious alcoholics who have bought in into that "the one to have
when you're having more than one". They are generally intelligent
but argumentative types who secretly resent Milk Stout and Savannah
drinkers because that is what they really want to drink. They tend to
like quoting statistics. They'll remark that "the calorie content in
a regular beer is equivalent to seven loaves of bread" as they down
their 17th beer.
Hunter's Dry
Reformed beer drinkers or rural types with big hands (from ploughing).
Bacardi Breezer / Brutal Fruit / Hooch / Smirnoff Spin
One of two things: (a) fags or (b) newcomers to the drinking game.
Wine
Fags.
J&B / Dewars
Poor guys. Cannot tell the difference between whisky and brandy.
Jack Daniels / Johnny Walker Red and Black
Like whisky but don't know the difference between bourbon and a Scotch.
Drink whisky because they just like the taste.
Jameson / Glenfiddich / Chivas Regal / Dimple
Serious whisky connoisseurs.
Smirnoff 1818
Check "Carling Black Label" description, then add "rapists" to it.
Mellowood / Richelieu / Martell / Klipdrift (and similar)
Violent. Call every spirit "brandy", even Johnnie Walker. If less than
40 in age, poor. Chances are they will own a Kaizer Chiefs / Orlando
Pirates makalabha and a vuvuzela to go with it..
KWV 10 / Klipdrift Premium (and similar)
Actually likes brandy.
KWV 5
Wannabe brandy connoisseur without the money.
IF WOMEN DRINK -
Any beer
Slut.
Milk Stout
Prostitute.
Barcadi Breezer / Hooch
Believe men owe them a living and do not really know that a Hooch goes
for R16 a pop at News Café because they have never actually bought it
for themselves. At their own places you will find Brutal Fruit and/or
Smirnoff Spin empties in their waste.
Brutal Fruit or Smirnoff Spin
Cheap bargain hunters you will generally see in the front of the Edgars
Red Hanger Sale.
Wine by the glass
Pretentious bitches that think they have arrived because they drive a
Peugeot 206 or Renault Clio. They live in a snazzy townhouse they can't
afford and are probably at the pub looking for a dumb arsehole to
subsidise their car instalments / townhouse rent / overdraft repayments.
Wine by the bottle (JC Le Roux, Cold Duck, Graca Rose, etc. excluded)
Classy. Powerful.
Know what they want and probably have a Beemer parked outside.
Amarula Cream (and similar)
Horny. Like... all the time! Mention the alley next to the pub.
Whisky (any whisky)
Even hornier...
Brandy (any brandy)
Horny civil servant types.
Aftershock or Stroh Rum
Major trouble. Avoid under all circumstances -- unless suicidal or
hung like a pony.
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[Contributor unknown]
If at first you don't succeed, buy her another drink!
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