WAR JOKES Saddam Hussein's Top Ten Hopes for the New Year ----------------------------------------------- 10. That the chef won't continue serve ``date surprise'' every night of the week. 9. in between brutally silencing his opponents he'll be able to find a little quite time for himself. 8. be able to use the Video Toaster to make Iraqi TV footage of ``Death to American Satan'' rallies look more like a Vanilla Ice video. 7. no one realizes that Tariq Aziz used to play Larry Tate on ``Bewitched''. 6. there will finally be a college football playoff system. 5. that people won't start wondering why they've never seen him and the official government spokesmen together. 4. that Iraq will have a piece of Saudi Arabia--- oops that should be that Iraq will have *peace with* Saudi Arabia. 3. the New York Post will stop using his first name as a verb. 2. that Noriega's lawyer has received the retainer he sent. 1. (tie) lose ten pounds/get around to poison gassing the Kurds like he promised the wife last year. -=+=- Saddam Hussein's Top Ten Worries About Desert Storm --------------------------------------------------- 10. Boxcar Willie album collection hard to carry from bunker to bunker 9. During a night raid, he might mistake jock strap for gas mask (again) 8. Cutting off CNN may mean loss of MTV 7. Possible disqualification from the Mr. Olympia pageant 6. His private Bryl-creem factory might be mistaken for a weapons plant 5. He'll run out of pre-rumpled fatigues 4. He could win Lotto, and not find out the numbers 3. He might finally get Late Night tickets, for *this* week 2. People keep calling his weapons names like 'scud' 1. Breakdown of infrastructure may mean warm beer and stale chips for the Super Bowl -=+=- Top 10 reasons Saddam is leaving Kuwait: 10) Sears 2 for 1 sale on Scuds is over. 9) American troops capturing Air Force generals before he can shoot them. 8) Only way to get those damn CNN crews out of the country. 7) No more Kuwaiti VCR's to steal. 6) Special war reports keep pre-empting "Alf." 5) War not as fun when other side shoots back. 4) Top Secret "play dead and whine' defense not working. 3) Economy hurting; hard to pump oil form burning wells. 2) Albert Goldman and Bob Woodward threatening to write books about him. 1) Siskel and Ebert gave the war a "thumbs down." -=+=- Subject: Saddam's Thanksgiving Wish Q: What does Saddam Hussein want for Thanksgiving? A: Turkey. -=+=- From: evan@apollo.com (Evan Morton) Subject: last hope for peace Keywords: topical, original, smirk A top Mideast expert at a major American university pointed out that there is one final chance for a diplomatic solution to the Persian Gulf crisis that hasn't been tried. The United States must send a message to Saddam Hussein saying "Simon says get out of Kuwait." ----- ---- -=+=- Rising D.C. Pizza Index indicates war WASHINGTON - The pizza index indicates military action is imminent in the gulf, a Domino's delivery official said today. Record numbers of late-night pizza deliveries have been made to the White House, Pentagon and State Department, said Frank Meeks, owner of several Washington-area Domino's outlets. Similar patterns came immediately before the invasions of Panama and Grenada, he said. The record for late-night deliveries to CIA headquarters came the night before Iraq invaded Kuwait last August, Meeks said. -=+=- To the tune of the obvious song... Attacking planes, incoming strafes, No one knows, how much he'll take. For U.S. oil, the pilots ride, The sanctions failed, but hey we tried. Hussein's a twit, he's gotta know, Shamir'll launch, a Jericho. It's all been planned, but lips are sealed, I wonder why, he didn't deal! Oh, you like 'em whether they're a pain or a bluff, oh yeah... Better face the facts, it seems you can't get enough, You know you're gonna have to face it, you're addicted to SCUDs! -=+=- How many Iraqi's does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four. One to screw in the light bulb. One to claim that they've actually screwed in 300 light bulbs. One to claim that they've unscrewed 150 American light bulbs. And one to claim that they're screwing and unscrewing light bulbs for the Palestinians. -=+=- "Baghdad Betty" is Iraq's answer to Tokyo Rose. Here's her latest: Why are you Americans here? Don't you know you will die in the desert? While you are here your wives and girlfriends are dating American movie stars. Movie stars like Tom Selleck, Paul Newman and Bart Simpson! Picture that. Matt Ginsberg -=+=- The order of channel-hopping is NBC, ABC, CBS, and CNN. At each commercial, unless otherwise indicated by further rules, the channel is changed. If you hear someone on TV say "scud," take a swig of beer and change the channel except during scud attacks (see below). If someone says "Patriot," everyone in the room must salute. The last person to salute takes a shot. If a scud attack is reported, everyone must hold their breath. The first person to breathe must go to a sealed room while everyone else takes a shot. That player remains in the room until the "all clear" is sounded. If someone says "somewhere in eastern Saudi Arabia" everyone must shout "Dhahran." The last person takes a shot and must forego the next "scud." The same applies for shouting "Riyadh" upon hearing the phrase "a large airbase in central Saudi Arabia." Anyone naming the wrong city must also take a shot unless they shout "Taif" before they are called on the error. Whenever Wolf Blitzer appears on the screen, everyone must shout "woof woof" and drink a wine spritzer. A shot of Kahlua and coffee is kept on the table. Whenever the phrase "ground war," "ground assault," or "ground attack" are used, the first person to grab the shot gets it. Every time Dan Rather says something stupid, all shout "change the channel." The last person to do so takes a shot and is forced to watch CBS on another TV until the next "scud." I realize that this one is a judgement call, but the odds are that it won't be long before he says something stupid anyway. Of course, if Sam Donaldson is on ABC, change the channel. -=+=- This idea was proposed by Cathy Foderaro (chf@Franz.COM), and it's been elaborated on since the original proposal. Y'know how the planes involved in the gulf war have nicknames (the best of which is the "Wild Weasel")? Several of us were speculating about David Letterman's Top Ten Rejected Airplane Nicknames. In no particular order, we've come up with 10) the B-3 Near-sighted Sissyboy dive bomber 9) the SW252 Tree Sloth Sidewinder missile 8) the F-112 Fluffy Poodle vertical take-off jet 7) the M-113 Roadkill armored personel carrier 6) the F-117B Capybara Stealth fighter 5) the AK39 Turbo Q-Tip attack plane 4) the F-21 Emu jet fighter 3) the f-14 Nose-hair torpedo 2) the B-6 Rod McKuen Sonnet carrier bomber And the number one answer... 1) the A-14 Screamin' Yugo recon-jet Of course, the topic opens up a whole new realm of punning... the TomCruise Missile the SideSwiper Missile (guaranteed to never directly impact the target) the Disintegrates Upon Dispatch or DUD missile the new scuds on the block the Ernest and Julio Gallo delayed detonation missile (will not explode before its time) But none of this can really match the humor inherent in the name "Wolf Blitzer"... -=+=- Good news: Saddam Hussein is living on borrowed time. Bad news: It was borrowed from a failed savings and loan. -=+=- Baghdad Radio reports that Iraq's Scud missles have intercepted and destroyed incoming Patriot missiles seven times. The Patriots were launched from Israel and Saudi Arabia and never even made it to Iraq's borders before they were destroyed. The advanced Iraqi early warning system has permitted the intercepting Scud missle to be launched before the Patriot missle it will destroy. -=+=- Q: "What do Saddam Hussein and his father have in common?" A: "They both pulled out a little too late... Kuwaitis Interruptis..." -=+=- You've heard about the Saddam Hussein condom - for big pricks who don't pull out on time... -=+=- Q: What do Saddam Hussein and a tight pair of pantyhose have in common? A: They both irritate Bush. -=+=- Q: What do Saddam Hussein and Fred Flintstone have in common? A: When they look out their windows, they both see rubble! -=+=- I saw this in the Oakland (California) Tribune: Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the toss? He elected to receive. -=+=- General Thomas Kelly at a Pentagon briefing last Friday on the report that Sadaam Hussein had executed the heads of the Iraqi Air Force and Air Defenses said he didn't know if it was true but added: "He does have a rather dynamic zero-defects program." -=+=- Have you seen the types of people going to anti-war protests? Some look quite like a freak show... Do you know why they want to "bring the troops home"? Because they can't wait to get their hands on all the surplus Army boots. -=+=- Q: How do you get 200 Iraqis out of a bingo hall? A: Shout "B-52!" -=+=- News Flash: Saddam Hussein claims to have captured 1,000 American lawyers. He plans to release one at a time until we surrender! -=+=- Paraphrased from Time magazine, dated 2-4-91, without permission: It is reported (in a certain Kuwaiti newspaper-in-exile currently published from Saudi Arabia) that Saddam Hussein has employed 50 astrologers to help him in planning the war. Well, it worked for Ronald Reagan, didn't it? -=+=- The War in the Persian Gulf gives the opportunity for the first true UNIX holiday. In the tradition of VE Day (May 7, 1945) and VJ Day (September 2, 1945), if the Allies beat Iraq, there will be a VI Day. -=+=- Music for Our Boys: Doris Day and the Persian Gulf War This is original to me, and started as a response to an Oracle Question. If you've never seen Jimmy Stewart and Doris Day in _The_Man_Who_Knew_Too_Much_, you should really make an effort. Doris Day sings "Que Sera Sera" to her kid, who by the end of the film is pretty shook up. Here's the new version, updated for current events: When I was just a little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be handsome, will I be rich? Here's what she said to me: Hey Saddam, Saddam, Whatever will be will be But you're messing with Mean Marines, Hey Saddam, Saddam. When I was just a boy in school I asked my teacher, what should I try? Should I try gassing, or making bombs? Here was her wise reply: Hey Saddam, Saddam.... When I grew up and joined the war, I asked my Sergeant, will I be brave? Will I kick asses, will I take names? Here's what he screamed and raved: Hey Saddam, Saddam.... When I sent troops into Kuwait ^H^H^H^H^H^H^H The 19th Province I asked my Generals, how will we do? How long 'till victory is in our hands? These words they spoke were true: Hey Saddam, Saddam.... Now I have armies of my own They ask their leader will we survive? Down in the bunkers, Where the bombs fall, They know I'm still alive! Hey Saddam, Saddam, I guess that we'll all know soon, 'Cause Norm has a plan for doom! Hey Saddam, Saddam What will be, will be. -=+=- Early reports from the Persian Gulf have sung the praises of our smart weapons. The cruise missiles would first stop by the Baghdad Post Office to see if the target had filed a change of address, then head down the main boulevard, carefully observing all traffic lights. Upon reaching the target, the missile would knock on the door, display the correct password to gain entrance, and penetrate deeply into the building before detonating. The precision of those weapons is most impressive, but I have a different concept of a truly "smart" weapon. It would say to the designer, "You want me to crash into a concrete wall and explode? No, no, no. Let me have a chat with the man. Give me a letter of introduction, 'A Mr. Thomas Hauke to see Saddam Hussein' or words to that effect. I'd say to him, 'You realize that I'm carrying a half-ton of explosive, and if I were to carry out my intended mission, well, it would be an enormous headache for your maintenance staff. I'd much prefer to have a spot of tea and discuss the latest video technology. If you'd be a good man and withdraw from Kuwait, I'm sure we could reach an amicable agreement.'" I suppose that there are some problems with my scheme. Contemplative weapons might reflect on their purpose in the universe, and too much of the wrong flavor of existentialism could have a devastating effect. "Whether I destroy an Iraqi or Saudi airbase is a matter of complete indifference to the universe." There's nothing more dangerous than a nihilistic missile. For the time being, I suspect that while designers will continue to make weapons more "intelligent," in the sense of being able to perform more complex tasks, they will still pursue their missions with the single- mindedness of an untenured professor. The weapons, that is. -=+=- From: JRP1@phoenix.cambridge.ac.uk (Jonathan R. Partington) Subject: Saddam's New Year message Well hello there everyone, this is your old pal Saddam Hussein (supreme ruler of Iraq, Kuwait, and those parts of Neptune with lots of oil) hoping that you're feeling as grrrrrreat as I am... I feel so good I could eat a new-born baby -- in fact I'm having one for dinner. Welcome to 1991, a year which is going to be a bundle of fun from beginning to end, guys. Now to all you servicemen in the Gulf... go home, guys. Your wife is currently committing adultery with Donald Duck, Bugs Bunny and Dan Quail -- funny how all these sexy stars have animal names isn't it? Still who can forget my old pal Camel Attaturk... Now, what you're all wondering is... will I be invading the United States after January 15th, in order to win back Alaska in the most holy name of Mohammed? Historically of course Alaska is a part of Iraq, and the Americans only took it to ensure their oil interests. Well, Bushy, old man, you've been found out. The Baghdad branch of the United Nations (chairman Saddam Hussein, vice-chairman Mr Toxiq Gaziz) has met and unanimously condemned your actions. So there. Anyway the invasion date for Alaska is being kept secret, because we can't trust our generals to turn up on the right date anyway, but it'll probably be on February 8th. It's been a good year in Iraq. Fiscal growth this year was about 10%, mostly in the form of Kuwaiti postage stamps. Any of you collectors like to buy some? We've also been rebuilding our ancient heritage -- as some of you know, I am directly descended from Belshazzar the King, so we're now putting up some new apartments in Babylon. We're also giving Sodom and Gomorrah a face-lift as well -- they should provide a tourist attraction to rival Disneyland, know what I mean? Well, that's about the end of my new year message. I've got to put on my wig now and act as Lord Chief Justice of Baghdad. Luckily we find all prisoners guilty unless they pay me in advance of the trial, so it's not going to take long. Bye for now. I love you all. Your own Emperor Saddam the Cuddly, supreme ruler of Neptune, twice voted 'most sexy moustache of Baghdad', camel-driving certificate (first class), doctor of philosophy. -=+=- Saddam's top ten withdrawl conditions Saddam Hussein's Top Ten Conditions for Quitting Kuwait ------------------------------------------------------- 10) Syria must give control of Lebanon back to Lebanon, which must in turn give control back to Phoenicia. 9) The US must sell Alaska back to Russia and the Louisiana Purchase back to France. 8) Saudi Arabia must pay for all the Scuds that were fired at it to liberate Palestine. 7) The Pope must convert to Islam (or at least Baathism). 6) All Israeli Jews must tread water in the Mediterranean Sea for 40 years. 5) Spain must give back much of its land to the Moors. 4) Kuwait must reimburse Iraq for the costs of transporting Iraqi troops into Kuwait and Kuwaiti goods into Iraq. 3) The Kurds must repay Iraq's expenses incurred while dropping poison gas on them. 2) King Fahad and Presidents Mubarak and Assad must have a mud wrestling match, with only the last man remaining in the ring being spared from execution. And his most important condition: 1) George Bush must apologize to the UN General Assembly in drag. -=+=- Saddam Hussein was in his palace the other day, and posed the following question to his mirror: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the evilest son-of-a-bitch of all? And after he received his answer, he went out and said unto the Revolutionary Command Council "Who the fuck is Brian Mulroney?" -=+=- Q: How do you get 30 Iraqis into a phone booth? A: Tell them it isn't theirs. Q: How do you get 30 Israelis into a phone booth? A: Tell them it's air-tight Q: How do you get 30 Americans into a phone booth? A: Tell them it's got oil in it Q: How do you get 30 French into a phone booth? A: Tell them it's not in Iraq Q: How do you get 30 Europeans into a phone booth? A: Tell them there's no fighting involved Q: How do you get 30 British politicians in a phone booth? A: Tell them there are votes in it Q: How do you get 30 Brits into a phone booth? A: Tell them it's safer than a Tornado Q: How do you get 30 British MI5 men into a phone booth? A: Tell them an Iraqi lives there Q: How do you get 30 British-resident Iraqis into a phone booth? A: Tell the MI5 men it's Penton-ville Prison Q: How do you get 30 Russians into a phone booth? A: Tell them there's a slice of bread in it Q: How do you get 30 peace protesters into a phone booth? A: Tell them it's the American Embassy Q: How do you get 30 Turks into a phone booth? A: Tell them it's not an airbase, honest Q: How do you get 30 Kuwaitis into a phone booth? A: Tell them there's an Iraqi coming Q: How do you get 30 Iranians into a phone booth? A: Tell them to do it in the sacred name of Allah Q: How do you get 30 American Generals into a phone booth? A: Tell them it's a target of a Scud missile Q: How do you get 30 reporters into a phone booth? A: Tell them it's in Baghdad Q: How do you get 30 Palestinians into a phone booth? A: Tell them if they do, you'll liberate the Occupied Territories Q: How do you get 30 telephone company engineers into a phone booth? A: You must be joking! You can't even get ONE in a phone booth... Q: How do you get 30 students into a phone booth? A: Make the other 70 homeless -=+=- It's amazing how well prepared Saddam Hussein is. In his bunker with him he has a heart surgeon in case something happens to his heart, a podiatrist in case something happens to his feet, and a proctologist in case something happens to his brain. -=+=- While watching the Superbowl half-time show, I saw video depicting tanks traveling across sand dunes with titles saying "cleared by U.S. military." My immediate reaction was say that the area used to be filled with urban sprawl and that our military had really been effective in leveling it all. -=+=- No more supporting "our boys in the field." Even unreconstructed generals now refer to "our fighting men and women." To paraphrase NPR's Cokie Roberts, it won't be the first time it took a woman to make a boy into a man. -=+=- Q: What do Hiroshima, Nagasaki, and Baghdad have in common? A: We've bombed the shit out of all of 'em!! -=+=- Subject: Word Play in the Gulf (topical,original) SADDAM HUSSEIN is just an amagram for HIDE US, DAMN ASS. -=+=- One sure-fire way to put sheer terror into the heart of Saddam Hussein: Have George Bush make the following statement in his next State of the Union address: "Read my lips, no nuclear weapons against Iraq." -=+=- I heard today that Iraq has developed a special weapon for use against the Canadian Navy. It's called a rust-seeking missile. -=+=- Considering the luck Husseins been having with his Scud missiles and anti-aircraft guns lately I'd bet he can't use the bathroom without getting his shoes wet. -=+=- Q: What does one Raytheon engineer say to another? A: How about them Patriots? -=+=- What is Saddam Hussein's wife telling neighbors who ask why she's leaving the country? a) "We're having some remodeling done." b) "The exterminators are coming." c) "We're getting the carpets bombed." d) All of the above. -=+=- >From the British satirical radio show "Week Ending": Adviser: "Well, Mr. President, the deadline's expired. What shall we do?" Bush: "Send in Colin Powell" Adviser: "Isn't that rather a limited strike, sir?" Bush: "No, I mean send him in to my office!" Powell: "Sir!" Bush: "What would be the result of an air strike on Wednesday night?" Powell: "Millions of innocent civilians killed and the city razed to the ground, Sir!" Bush: "You know I don't understand that military jargon! Give it to me in words I can understand." Powell: "Personnel density adjustment and strategic collateral upheaval, Sir!" Bush: "That bad?!" -=+=- Q: What is the best Iraqi job? A: Foreign Ambassador -=+=- So how did George Bush persuade the French to take part in the war with Iraq? The only reason I can think of is that the CIA came up with irrefutable evidence that Saddam Hussein was a member of Greenpeace. -=+=- Picture a comic strip type joke: 1st picture: George Bush holds an egg...."Saddam, this is your brain." 2nd picture: Puts egg in pan...."This is your brain on drugs." 3rd picture: Adds bacon...."This is your brain with a side order of bacon." 4th picture: Holds Uzi over pan..."This is your brain if you don't get out of Kuwait." 5th picture: _______ /|||||||\ ||{ }|||______ ||{___}|||______| \|||||||/ -=+=- Israel has begun its retaliation against Iraq. It's filed 10,000 lawsuits. -=+=- Regarding smart weapons... I can't quite call anything that drops off a plane traveling several hundred miles an hour and few thousand feet in the air to dive nose first into a concrete wall just to explode "smart". -=+=- George Bush, Francois Mitterand and Saddam Hussein are sitting in a bar, drinking and bragging. GB: If I stand on the Statue of Liberty I can see all of New York below me. FM: No big deal. If I stand on the Eiffel tower I can see all of Paris below me as well. SH: So what? If I stand on my chair I can also see all of Baghdad below me... -=+=- Q: Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper? A: They need a map.... -=+=- A quote from the Wall Street Journal, 1/25/91 "As the first days of the war passed, the computer underground's particular brand of humor, always a bit warped, has taken a newly morbid tone. An oil-worker in Khahran posted this weather forecast on Last Outpost (BBS): `Baghdad will be bright and sunny, with lows in the mid-40s and highs in the upper 10,000s. Winds will be from the south, southeast, and southwest at 1,500-1,800 knots. Sunscreen 300 is recommended. Chances of precipitation of molten objects are 90-99%'" -=+=- The Iraqi Air Force: We fly more international flights out of Baghdad than any other carrier in the world. Recently the US Air Force slogan has been changed to "Aim Low". -=+=- Despite the negative media coverage, the Iraqi ground forces are actually performing their task with alarming success. Clearly, they're first objective in the campaign is to destroy the massive coalition stockpiles of conventional weapons. -=+=- From: bush@usa.whitehouse.mil (President Bush) Newsgroups: sub.jokes Subject: Re: Atomic Warheads Summary: You can have it if you really want it :-) Date: 25 Jan 91 23:31:44 GMT Reply-To: bush@usa.whitehouse.mil (President Bush) Organization: Government of the USA >>> In article <3322@irak.gulf.mil> hussein@irak.gulf.mil (S. Hussein) writes: > >I seek fully functional atomic warheads (delivery system already on hand). >Will pay any price. ==> do notice the return address, "hussein@irak.gulf.mil" -------------------- reply from bush@usa.whitehouse.mil ----------------- No problem, you can have several of them including carrier rockets. The only thing you have to do is to use just one chemical weapon against the US. >>>:-] Bomb ya later, President Bush - bush@usa.whitehouse.mil -=+=- Paramount Pictures has just announced the release of their latest sphagetti western, "THE GOOD, THE BAD, THE UGLY" starring Mikhail Gorbachev, George Bush, and Sadam Hussein. -=+=- Q: Did you hear about the new musical group in Iraq? A: No Kids on the Block. -=+=- Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: It doesn't matter. The electricity's been off for a month anyway. -=+=- >From the Random House unabridged: scud, v., ... 3. Archery. (of an arrow) to fly too high and wide of the mark. -=+=- Subject: Iraq/Internet Humor. From: lord_zar@ucrmath.ucr.edu (wayne wallace) % ftp bunker.baghdad.iq Connected to bunker.baghdad.iq 220 bunker.baghdad.iq FTP server (IslamOS 1.0) ready. Name (bunker.baghdad.iq:gbush): allah 331 Password required for allah. Password: 230 User allah logged in. ftp> bin 200 Type set to I. ftp> put BIG_BOMB.NUKE 200 PORT command successful. 150 BINARY data connection for /home/staff/gbush/BIG_BOMB.NUKE (1.1.1.1,623) 226 BINARY transfer complete. ftp> bye 221 Goodbye. -=+=- Subject: The REAL surrender terms (Original. Inspired by George Bush's calling Hussein's order of withdrawal an "outrage".) 1) Iraqi troops are to surrender all chemical weapons. Chemical weapons are defined as containing such substances as hydrogen cyanide, mustard gas, gunpowder, gasoline, and vulcanized rubber. 2) All Iraqi troops are to walk from Kuwait back into Iraq. Those who say unkind words or look at coalition soldiers in an unkind way are to crawl back. 3) Iraq must compensate Kuwait for all war reparations, outstanding debts, lodging for the duration of the troops' stay in Kuwait, and import duties for the weapons left behind. 4) All Iraqi military installations and government ministry are to have a bulls-eye at least 15 meters across on top, painted in luminescent colors. 5) The battleship Missouri, currently on patrol in the gulf, will be moored near Basra, and the treaty-signing ceremony is to be held on board. -=+=- A sample entry from the new Iraqi Dictionary of Saddam-speak: Victory: [vic-tor-e] n. Total rout by opposing forces, complete and utter destruction of your forces by an enemy, esp. in war time. Retreat and surrender. Known as defeat(q.v.) in other countries. -=+=- Subject: How To Pronounce "Saddam" (original) From: scs@iti.org (Steve Simmons) After seeing the early days of the ground war and the effectiveness of the "Saddam Line" defensive system, the correct pronuncation of "Saddam" has finally become obvious: "Maginot". -=+=- Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats? A: So they can see their Air Force. -=+=- [Heard on a morning radio show] Newscaster: "Saddam Hussein claims that his forces are winning the war against allied forces." Disk-jockey: "What, do they get a set of American Tourister luggage and the home version of the war?" -=+=- Heard on the Rush Limbaugh radio program: Q: What does Ted Kennedy have in common with the "luckiest man in Iraq" [referring to Gen. Swarzkopf's caption of a video showing a bridge being bombed]? A: They both know how it feels to be bombed when crossing a bridge. -=+=- Q: What do you get when you put 30 Iraqi women in a bomb shelter? A: A full set of teeth. -=+=- Heard this morning on CNN that a lot of the Iraqi troops surrendered when, instead of the foot soldiers they were expecting, American tanks rolled in. Didn't anybody tell 'em that Americans never walk anywhere they can drive? -=+=- Saddam Hussien calls up George Bush. "Mr. President," he says, "I must discuss peace with you." "To what do I owe this sudden change of heart?" asks Bush. "You see," explains Hussein, "Last night I had a dream. And in this dream I was in your capitol, and I looked up upon the tallest building, and I saw a flag which read "Allah is Great", and I knew that Allah wanted me to make peace." "Well, that's just great," said Bush, "You know, I had a dream last night as well. I dreamt that I was in YOUR capitol, and I too saw such a flag." "Really?!" said Hussein, very surprised, "And what did this flag say?" "I couldn't tell you," replied Bush, "I can't read hebrew." -=+=- Two incidents reported on NPR's Morning Edition regarding surrender of Iraqi troops (these are paraphrases): 1) One guy was encountered alone in the desert wearing Bermuda shorts and a Hawaiian shirt, and looking generally ready to party down. When he was challenged, he replied in a Chicago accent, "Where you guys been? I've been waiting forever!" Turns out he was an Iraqi-American, who had been in Iraq visiting his grandparents when hostilities broke out, and he was drafted into the Iraqi army. 2) A lone allied soldier, separated from his unit, his Jeep bogged down in the mud, was being born down on by an Iraqi tank and supporting vehicles. The tanker stopped, hitched the tank to the jeep, pulled it from the mud, and promptly surrendered. -- -=+=- French Army tanks have five gears: four in reverse, and one forwards - in case the enemy attacks from the rear. -=+=- Idea for a political cartoon: [ Picture: Dan Quayle cowering under a table; George Bush leaning over and speaking to him. ] Bush: "No, Dan, we're not bombing Republicans that were in the Guard... we're bombing the _Iraqi_ Republican Guard." -=+=- Anonymous note, dropped down a bunker ventilation shaft somewhere near Baghdad: Dear Saddam, We have your Army. If you ever want to see it again, put $200 billion in small bills in a truck (several trucks, actually) and send them on the road to Basra. We will find them. -- G. B. -=+=- A recent news report stated that the Iraqui soldiers are starving, reduced to begging for food from the Kuwaiti civilians. We therefore release this modest proposal. It seems that the best way to get the Conflict in the Persian Gulf to end is to bombard the hungry Iraqui troops with leaflets which say (in Arabic) "If you surrender, this quarter-pounder will be yours!" The possibilities are Endless -- why, we could release some Scratch 'n sniff leaflets which have the aroma of various foods. The smell of fruits will drive hungry troops nuts. Therefore, hundreds and hundreds of Iraqui troops would peacefully surrender with little conflict, and we can all sit down to dinner and celebrate the end of the war. Foward troops can set up large grills to cook steaks with gigantic fans to waft the aroma over to the Iraquis. Not only will this make the Iraquis go bananas, but will be a tremendous morale boost to those on the front. The only danger is the chuck wagon might be an object to capture for Iraqui commandos. However, one cannot underestimate the military possibilities. The United States can easily manufacture an explosive frosting sutible for putting on various cakes and such packages. One can therefore make a twinkie out of C4, and drop it over Kuwait. Hostess might become the next major defense contractor! The front lines might receive a vanilla-flavoured claymore used to protect coalition camps, forces, and equipment. In addition, since Sodium Nitrate, an ingredient of gunpowder, is used to preserve bologna and hot dogs (that's what gives them their red colour), one can easily make a hot dog that doubles as a black-powder explosive. We can recycle all those rock-hard dormitory meatballs as dangerous projectiles perhaps as dangerous as the uranium bullets used in anti-aircraft systems. As the United States has various bombs for the dispersal of chemical agents, what better chemical agent could be dispersed than Ketchup or Worchestershire sauce, or, if the generals feel particulary naughty, Tobasco sauce. Carpet Bombing using cans of Potato chips might be equally as effective as high explosives. Even high fashioned omelettes such as the flambee (the flaming omelette) and drinks such as the Feuerzangebole (?) might become popular at the front. The RAF has a chicken cannon to test the bird-proofness of airplanes (they use chickens that you buy in the grocery). This can easily modified to send Lt. Col. Sanders specials, preferably of the Extra Crispy variety. Even the college prank of making Ex-lax Brownies would be of inestimatible value, converting foxholes into latrines. Soldiers would be more vulnerable to the symptoms resulting from extrememe fright. This would give a whole new meaning to the term Tactical Movements. Sorbitol candy, which gives the same effect if eaten in large amounts, could be dropped from low-flying B-52's. Guavas, on the other hand, if eaten innards and all can cause constipation. Food laced with much garlic might make the close quarters of tank operators unbearable, thus an armour piercing round with some spaghetti and garlic sauce will not only render the tank inoperable, but will deliver the meal piping hot, ready for eating. The possibilities of the phrase "Let them Eat Cake" has a new meaning. The indestructable fruit cake made of pounding glazed fruit into a cake with a hammer is deadly in the hands of a tank commander. By firing the cake through the muzzle at the enemy, the Iraquis can now have the cake and eat it too. Fruits must not be ignored. Bananas have lots of appeal, and therefore, can cause loss of traction. Cherry bombs are easily constructed from readily available materials. Agent Orange and potato mashers cause much havoc with the troops. Manufacture of such weaponry is a plum job, and we expect many bids from contractors. The raisin-d'-etre is that re-pears should seldom be necessary, and manufacture is cheap. The ultimate gas weapon, however, is not mustard gas, but beans. Thousands and thousands of baked beans, bean soup, and chile with lots of beans should be airlifted to the Iraquis. Not only will the gas be unbearable, but since the gas that beans ultimately produce can contain traces of methane, a large enough concentration of the gas can be explosive, incurring much harm to the already entrenched Iraqui troops, should they wish to smoke a cigarette. It is much to the experts' surprise that the soldiers get bean soup once a day as things go. They suspect that he will use that to discourage ground attacks, as Americans dislike gas as much as anyone else. Of course, much care must be taken to avoid dropping food containing pork, alcohol, meat and milk, or shellfish (to name a few things). Not only will the islamic Iraquis refuse to eat them, but it is unethical. Our president is fighting this war on ethical and just grounds, it would be a bad idea to undermine our president by fighting in such an underhanded way. This of course would rule out dropping cheeseburgers, beef stroganoff, lobster bisque, bacon, and candies such as _crunchy_frog_ and _spring_surprise_. However, we believe that in the preceeding paragraphs, we have already added much food for thought which can be used to win the war. An army mess seargent who wishes to remain anonymous said should the Iraquis refuse to surrender, they'll get creamed. He says that despite the possibilities of heavy casulties (usually from army food, rations, or unwashed mermites), the food drive should make the defeat of Iraq as easy as apple pie. The only resistance we see is those people who think this whole enterprise is corny. -=+=- PRICE BUSTERS! FINAL LIQUIDATION SALE!! IT ALL HAS TO GO!!! A major military power is going out of business, and has to sell it ALL! Come on down now for fabulous prices on Tanks, APCs, Helicopters, Mines, SCUD missiles and mobile launchers, planes and many, many more! Come down today only and receive a free AK-74 w/bayonet! Want Tanks - We Got 'Em! The famous T-62s, today only $19.95! The ultra-accurate T-72, only $39.95! Want Attack and Dual-Role Aircraft - We Got 'Em! The remaining stock of MiG-21s only $23.97! The remaining stock of MiG-25s only $29.97! The renowned MiG-29s today only $39.95! The Su-7, Su-20, Su-24, Su-25, whatever's left in the store, only $19.99! The all weather, day/night attack craft, the MiG-23 today only $34.97! Want Bombers - We Got 'Em! The Tu-22 and the Tu-16, only $49.99! Want Missiles - We Got 'Em! SCUD Missiles, only $49.95 each! Mobile Launcher (assembles in just hours) only $99.95! (when purchased w/5 SCUDs, only $79.95!) Easy payment plans, we always accept VISA, 'The power to be your best.'(tm); Master Card, American Express, 'Don't leave home without it (but if you do, we can't help you anyway)' (tm), and Pan-American Life and Mutual 'Sure my credit is good, Trust me!'(tm). Normally we accept Iraqi Express, 'Don't Leave Home'(tm), credit cards, but due the current situation in the Gulf and the volatile nature of the economy, we are not accepting Iraqi Express, 'Don't Leave Home'(tm), credit cards at this time. -=+=- Hey, you. Yeah... YOU! Pacifist type. Are you thinking "Hey, this isn't MY war." Or maybe you think, "Fifty cents more at the pump is worth my life! Heck, even sixty cents!" Perhaps you've weighed the issues, "Solar Energy... Death in the Sand... Hmmm... Solar Energy.... Death in the Sand..." Maybe you're all set, and you're ready to fight. BUT, should you decide that War is "not your thing", it could help you to know... The TEN Ways to Avoid the DRAFT 1. Self-Exile (The Canadian Maneuver) A popular choice during Vietnam. A classic. This is a good opportunity to "see the world." Actually, it's like being drafted in that you get to learn new customs in a different culture, (saying "eh" to indicate that you are speaking, beer drinking as an artform, finding out what a "took" (rhymes with "Luke") is and why you wear it on you head). Plus, there is always the comforting knowledge aht there will always be a room (10x10x8) waiting for you back in the States. 2. Physical Phake (The Springsteen Gambit or No-Doze about it) This is fairly easy. Simply watch 72 hours of TV straight. The VCR is ok, and so are video games, but theater movies are out. The key is the cathode-ray tube. Be sure to sit close to the set. Feel free to eat if you must, and bathroom breaks are OK, but no sleep! Caffeine is totally legal. This must be done immediately prior to your physical examination for the Armed Forces. Try not to yawn when you get there, but don't resist your urge to make guttural moans. The only disadvantage is that coming off the caffeine buzz is libel to drop you into a coma, but think of all the rock songs you can write. 3. Physical for Real (Mono on Mono or "Hello, kiss me... what's your name?) Going without sleep has no effect on you? You've got the allnighter's tolerance? You're going to need to catch something. Virulent. This can definitely involve some interesting social interactions. 4. Ageification (The Doctor Method...who?) Age yourself seven or so years in a hurry! This stratagem either requires some very expensive time travel equipment or your girlfriend telling you she accidently took the Pill out of order and has been eating vitamins for the past week. In any case, an old British phone booth can be substituted for one of these methods. 5. Dopeification (Whajjuu say, man?) The trick is to balance you inner inner cerebral whirl on the brink of the utmost ultimate hazy high while downing a fifth ducking to avoid that mind-worm and trying to find that mushroom or other tab of the really fucked up stuff and your third eye is screammmming and your head is hammmmering... and when you wake up in de-tox, the whole thing is over. Ten years ago. 6. Conscientious Objection (The "peace and non-violence, brother" strategy) Just file for exemption as a conscientious objector. Note, you must prove (with notarized documents) that you've been an objector since age three, have a visible aura, and stigmata. 7. Captivity (Non-self anti-exile) The default method. See, the draft is a choice. If you make NO choice at all, and just go about your life as usual, you will NOT be drafted! When you don't report to base after receiving your draft notice, the army won't make you fight. In fact, they'll take you to a maximum security penal institution for a nice long visit. (Bonus: free food, shelter, and back rubs). 8. Orientation Rearranging ("Sir, you are one HOT sergeant, sir!") Under the sexual orientation heading of your draft acknowledgement form, check the box next to "homosexual." You couldn't beg them to let you stay in. 9. In and Out (The Max Klinger Section 8 Clause) Sure! You'll fight! Report in. Move in to the barracks! You want to fight, yeah. Act enthused... maybe... too enthused. Talk about how you dreamed of this to your bunkmate. Be sure to keep a hollow, far away look in your eyes. It's also a good idea to twitch random muscles whenever anyone is near you. Scream "DIE" very loudly several times during the night. In the morning, say "Sergeant, Satan told me he loves me and is glad I'm here." Repeat as necessary, don't blink, and drool slightly from one corner of your mouth. Once you get to the sanitarium, cheerily convince the doctors you were just kidding and that you are actually quite sane. 10. Violence (The Last Resort) While attending a student's birthday party during a later week of one of his hunger strikes, Ghandi was offered a piece of chocolate cake by a less enlightened disciple. The disciple then remembered Ghandi's fast and repealed the offer, apologizing. The doctors managed to sew the man's nose back to his face, but Ghandi's lesson to him is well noted. Should you find your back to the wall, here are some recommended guidelines in the use of violence: cause pain, be random, no mercy, hit, yell, kick, cheat, avoid soft things, steroids can help but watch out for liver damage down the road, pinching hurts a lot but doesn't do a lot of damage, be senseless, dominate, dominate, dominate, don't let him get away with that, take the safety off, and there are NO innocents! Sure, you may become the thing you most despise, but at least it's your fight. Good Luck! And remember, if things don't work out... don't forget the flea powder. -=+=- There is some good news and bad news about Saddam Husein's war crimes trial The good news is that President Bush will try him. The bad news is the trial will be held before the Senate Ethics Committee. -=+=- A previous poster observed that several personalities had German surnames that translated into amusing English nouns; an unmentioned example is Gen. Schwarzkopf, or "blackhead." This leads one to observe that this is the only war in memory that was won by a Blackhead, a Dick, a Colin and a Bush. -=+=- Here's a soulful little ditty sung to the tune of "One Night In Bangkok" from the musical "Chess." Lyrics by Michael T. Rose and Javier Grillo-Marxuach. {ed Congratulations. I usually don't do song parodies, as they rarely work in written form....} *Our Man In Baghdad* Baghdad! Middle Eastern city. And the city don't know what the city will get. The creme de la creme of the arsenal in a raid with everything but Dan Quayle. Bombs fly! Doesn't seem a minute since the last one fell with some nerve gas in it. No chance! Hop into the shelter Sitting under fire and your skin begins to swelter It's Cambodia; or Vietnam; or Dresden; or... or this place! Chorus: Our man in Baghdad Calls in to Atlanta Not much between the press and shell debris We'll hear his broadcast underneath our gas masks And if I'm lucky, Scuds won't fall on me I can hear an air raid siren close to me One bomb's very like another when your head's down under the table, brother It's a blast! It's a scream! It's really quite an big thrill To be out here in the rubble; we're examining the last kill Wait a minute! If you've seen one network's retired military commentators... Skin lice! Open sores! We're not afraid of the mustard gas pustules Ca-ble! You're looking at a newsman Who's every phrase is out on the tube, man I get my news *before* the networks, Brokaw! I don't see Rather reading the kind of scoops I'm postulating I'd give you Pete; I'll take Wolf Blitzer And the Times will print "whatever fits her." And you better believe that Saddam is watching ...from his bunker Chorus: Our Man in Baghdad Makes the war seem simple He's got a platitude for every shot He's not afraid of going over budget And if we're lucky, the Allies won't choke I can smell a story in the acrid smoke Chorus repeats, and out... -=+=- Upon hearing that Saddam had come down with a nasty cold, a Navy Doctor from one of the carriers in the Gulf sent him some 12-hour Sudafed capsules with the following prescription: To feel better, take one. To make everyone else feel better, take two. -=+=- A minister goes to the Syrian dictator Hafez Assad after a national election. Minister: I have excellent news, Mr. President! You won 98.6% of the vote in the election! Less than 2 percent of the people dissented! What more could you possibly want? Assad: Their names. -=+=- Why did the U.S. armed forces blow up an air raid shelter? Because they couldn't find a jetliner. -=+=- Have you seen the new Iraqui Flag? White stars on a white field. -=+=- I heard the other day they were dividing Iraq into two sections--smoking and non-smoking. -=+=- Number 7 on the list of proposed peace terms in the Soviet-Iraq agreement is that the withdrawal be monitored by countries not directly involved in the anti-Iraq coalition. When that was read on the CBC news last night, a friend sitting next to me said: "Oh, good. Israel qualifies!". -=+=- Saddam Hussein's Last Words: "Mother was never good in battles, anyway." -=+=- Anheizer-Busch just introduce a new beer, "SCUD LITE". Takes twelve before it hits you. -=+=- Gulf war latest: Americans announce that the 'milk factory' was in fact a centre for exterminating curds. -=+=- [ News-Flash: at the UN today ] Officials at the United Nations have announced that a choice parcel of real estate will soon be unoccupied, and will be available to become an official homeland for a Palestinian state. Eviction proceedings against the current occupant have already begun, and are now expected to be completed shortly. According to the UN spokesperson; the parcel, situated between Kuwait and Syria, may be condsidered to be an ideal location for the foundation of a homeland for a Palestinian State. Officials from the PLO and other Palestinian support organizations were not available for comment. -=+=- Bush: "Do you surrender?" Hussein: "I HAVE NOT YET BEGUN TO FIGHT!" Bush: "Yeah, we noticed. That's why we asked." -=+=- Q: What should Iraq get for its air defense system? A: A refund. -=+=- Now the Iraqi government is showing pictures of a blasted church, supposedly hit by allied missiles. But if God is with the Iraqi army, isn't that a military target? -=+=- Q: What do Hiroshima, Nagasaki, and Baghdad have in common? A: Nothing, yet. -=+=- Recently George Bush was visiting an elementary school where a kid asked the President to prove who he was. Bush showed the kid his Americal Express green card and pointed to the limo outside. A similar thing happend to Saddam. He was visiting an elementary school in Baghdad when a kid asked him to prove who he was. So Saddam took the class hostage and burned the school. -=+=- In the 15 March 91 Wall Street Journal: Before the Gulf War started, the Iraqi Army was the the fourth largest in the world. Now its the second largest army in Iraq. -=+=- GULF NEWS - PENTAGON EXPLAINS MILITARY JARGON The Pentagon held a news conference last night to fully explain some of the military jargon that were being used in official news releases during the Gulf War. - CDHU - Collateral damage humanoid units - people who get in the way. Not that we're purposely aiming at them, but let's face it, it's no loss really as they probably aren't Christians and most don't even speak English. That's what comes of not being born on the right side, in a God-fearing country; serves 'em right, really. - FM - Friendly missile - one of ours. The Allies had friendly missiles fired from planes and ships pounding the Iraqi forces continuously. Friendly missiles are identified by a big smiling face painted on the warhead. Damage as a result of friendly missiles will now be known as "friendly damage", and the explosives inside the warhead are known as "friendly explosives." - NWISSBM - Nasty-wasty Iraqi scum-sucking bastard missile - one of theirs - OTRCNNXF - Off The Record CNN Exclusive False-report - given to CNN by us so that Saddam will believe it to be the gospel truth. Neat, eh? NEW ALLIED WEAPONRY The Pentagon has announced the deployment of selected recently developed weapons in the Gulf; part of the US Government's continuing commitment to support Allied forces with the latest technology: - The SKM - Shit-Kicker Missile. When this baby hits them Iraqis, the shit really hits the fan! - FBT - Fucking-big tank. This tank is 150 feet wide and 200 feet long, and it's purpose was to make the ground war much simplified by simply running over enemy soldiers. Special decapitation implements on the underside of the tank helped ensure Allied victory. In normal circumstances an Allied RCM (Refuge Collection Module) followed behind, preventing any environmental damage to the desert by scooping up the human blood 'n' guts. - TXjet - Specially developed fighter/bomber for use by Texan pilots. It has an enlarged cockpit to cope with their hats. - BVM - now installed in all troop-transport planes, the BVM (Burger Vending Machine) now features the new IraqiBurger for only $1.45; it helps our forces feel at home. To fully simulate a Florida McDonald's environment a computer-controlled rifle installed in the plane can be programmed to fire at random. - FMFM - the FM installed Friendly Missile - so called because it has a built-in FM stereo receiver which plays the "Star Spangled Banner" as it explodes into its target. -=+=- Q: What's the difference between American and Iraqi pilots? A: American pilots break ground and fly into the wind! -=+=- Q: What do Israelis say when they hear a Scud? A: Grab a hot dog, here comes the mustard. -=+=- Seen on a T-shirt: My uncle want to Baghdad and all that's left of him is this stinkin' T-shirt! -=+=- Iraqi Bumper Sticker: MY DAD WENT TO KUWAIT AND ALL HE BROUGHT ME WAS THIS LOUSY GOLD BATHTUB FAUCET -=+=- A good caption for one of those pictures of the aftermath of the Iraqi flight from Kuwait --- you know the scene; Kuwaiti freeways through the desert littered with bombed and abandoned vehicles everywhere, wreckage and bodies strewn all over the place,... : SPEED LAWS ENFORCED BY AIRCRAFT -=+=- Concert Report: Saddam Hussein - Mideast Tour "The Mother of All Tours" June 15, 1990 Baghdad August 2 Kuwait City August 15 Riyadh August 30 Dharan September 15 Mecca and Jedda October 1 Bahrain October 15 United Arab Emirates October 30 Oman November 14 Tehran November 25 Turkey (Thanksgiving) December 25 Bethlehem and Israel For those lucky enough to see this concert in Baghdad and Kuwait, this show was a show nobody will ever forget. For the hundreds of thousands camped out to witness this concert, the 6-month wait (by far the longest ever) was worth the ordeal and lived up to its name. About every conceivable record was broken as far as concerts go, even with the tour ending prematurely. Replied concert goers: "They'll be cleaning up from this one for years!" "The best laser show I've seen!" "A little too heavy on the smoke." "Wow, man, like the ground shook!" "They will be writing books about this concert! A real killer!" "Beats any 'Floyd' and 'Dead' concert I've been to!" The Kuwait City concert was unprecidented: noise complaints were registered from thousands of miles away - even the U.N. complained! In an interview, Saddam Hussein replied, "I was born to be Iraq's Star." Asked about the mass migration of Kurds to Turkey and Iran, Saddam reasoned that they must be unaware of the tour's cancellation and should all go home. He promised them concert T-shirts as a token consillation. The remainder of the tour was cancelled because of various complications. For example, Saddam Hussein's roadies left after the Kuwait City gig and never returned with the instruments. A new crew is forming for a later tour, but the multi-billions invested in instruments and special effects is a significant loss. Many of the road crew members were arrested by the 500,000+ police force. The B-52's showed up outside Baghdad and were a hit. U-2's were also nearby with their new release, "War". Obviously, timing was bad for this tour. The group's managment, "Megadeth", had no previous management experience. They even forgot to arrange food catering service for the crew. Saddam's stunning videos seen by the entire world were also dissapointing. First, the video where dressed-up Saddam is shown with children on his lap was targeted for an audience much too young - many parents demanded warning labels. Other videos featuring bruised men were simply too weird and even censored by some organizations. Saddam's opening band, "New Kids on the Block" was also a poor choice: they went around igniting wells with vodka and trashing hotels. Alcoholic beverages are strictly forbidden in the Moslem religon. Police arrested tens of thousands and used deadly force to supress the crowds. Replied a promoter, "I think the 500,000+ police force was entirely unecessary. They killed and beat people. They are a big part of the reason why the tour was cancelled." It is rumored that Saddam will get Mummar Khaddafy to play openings on the next tour. No date has been set yet because band mebers are still recovering from hangovers.