Ä Area: Rec.Humor.Funny Msg#: 6 From: funny-request@clari.net To: All Subj: The True News Digest ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ This is paraphrased from today's (11/26) NPR Morning Edition News. The US govt. is trying to pass a resolution through the Security Council of the UN that Iraq withdraw from Kuwait by January 1st, else ... The US govt. is confident that the resolution will pass, although there is some fear that China may not support it. Beijing is against the use of force, the correspondent said. = = = = = = = On a recent trip to San Diego, I was AMAZED at the silly signs posted. At the San Diego Zoo, bordering a school playground: HOMO-SAPIENS AT PLAY At a resturaunt: STOP VALET PARKING I never realized that San Diego was against valet parking so much. . . = = = = = = = Seen recently on a bumper sticker: 51% SWEETHEART 49% BITCH = = = = = = = On a recent trip to London, near Heathrow Airport I saw a billboard that read: TWA Flights to the United States and California = = = = = = = Last year, some guy pulled a knife on a female counselor at my dorm. Spike, a friend of mine, just happened to be around, so he grabbed the first thing he could find (a battery) and TKOed the guy with the knife. Unfortuantly, a cop saw the whole thing and arrested my friend. Once they were in the car, the following conversation took place ... Spike: "Damn, going to jail again." Cop: "No you're not, I just had to make it look good." ... and he proceed to drop Spike off about a mile away. = = = = = = = Seen on Entertainment Tonight 11/13 (Clip from Barbara Walter's upcoming special): Mel Gibson is with Walters on the set of his new movie "Hamlet" MG: ...And this is the throne of the King and Queen of Denmark BW: (as she sits on one of the thrones) So, how do I look? MG: Like a Great Dane. = = = = = = = Our family used to kid my grandmother, a proper lady, about her eating habbits, and not eating enough vegetables. One day at a holiday dinner, she had taken enough, and announced "Today I'm going to eat every bean, and pea on my plate." The table exploded with laughter. To my knowledge, she never understood what we found so funny. = = = = = = = A friend of a friend in college was taking a thermodynamics course. His interest in hot bodies tended to run on more of an emotional plane than an intellectual one, however. Let's just say he wasn't the shining star of the class. Any way, the professor had posed some problem on the board with a block of metal clamped with a heat source at the bottom (y=0) and a heat sink at the top (y=1), and had just called upon our daydreaming friend as to the direction of energy flow. "Up." said our friend. "That's correct." said the somewhat surprised professor. "Why?". "Because heat rises." = = = = = = = While waiting in the check-out line at a local supermarket, I noticed the following message on the front of a brown grocery bag: SHOP-RITE PROUDLY SUPPORTS MUSCULAR DYSTROPHY And this fact will HELP increase business?? = = = = = = = On the subject of "naive PC users", here's another classic story. Dunno where it came from. It may even be apocryphal, but it's still a good one. Telephone support person: "Okay, now all you have to do is to take the distribution diskette out of its little paper jacket and insert it into the disk drive with the slot facing the rear. Got that?" Naive user: "Okay". S.P.: "Now close the door." N.U.: "What?" S.P.: "Close the door." N.U.: "How will that help?" S.P. (somewhat exasperated): "Just do it, please?" N.U.: "Okay, but I don't understand why!" Whereupon the support person hears the sound of the user's phone being dropped on the desk, followed by footsteps and the sound of an office door being slammed shut... = = = = = = = Heard this on a cable home shopping network: 'Don't be fooled folks...with this PC compatible machine you geta full 5.25" disk drive, not one of the smaller 3.5" drives you'll see elsewhere.' = = = = = = = I was reminded of something funny that happened to my friend about the time that Burger King was having their special, "2 burgers for a buck": My friend went over to the counter, looked at the menu and asked: "How much is 2 burgers for a buck?" Even funnier, the girl answered him, "one dollar." = = = = = = = I was doing booth duty at the COMDEX computer show. There were only 15 minutes left on the last day, and after this year's 160,000 attendees you've dealt with one or two goofballs. Naturally, while watching those last 15 minutes go by, I get ONE LAST "qualified customer": Me: What can I help you with today, sir? GB: What processor do you use in your HP 3000 computer? Me: The HP 3000 uses a proprietary architecture. GB (looking slightly hurt): Does that mean you're not going to tell me? = = = = = = = My sister, a college student, works for one of those convenience stores. During a typical shift, several people will come in and request employment applications. They usually fill them out there in the store. One prospective employee was taking a long time filling out her form. She finally asked my sister, "Whut's a ree-FUR-ence?" * My sister quickly replied, "Don't worry. You won't be needing one." * in case the written form didn't get the word across, it's "reference". = = = = = = = From a recent Jack Anderson column comes the tale of a travel agency that handled travel plans for various federal agencies. The head of the agency complained about the agencies being not only wasteful but "downright stupid". A couple of cases in point: - One federal travel coordinator was trying to find the town of "Vicinity", having been told to book flights to "St. Louis and Vicinity". - Another was looking for Maconga... Turns out it was really "Macon, GA". Your tax dollars at work folks! = = = = = = = I was looking at my 1837 copy of Johnson's Dictionary, when I came across the following entry: ASCII n s. [from the greek] Those people who, at certain times of the year, have no shadow at noon; such are the inhabitatants of the torrid zone. = = = = = = = From today's Dallas Morning News: Andrew Lloyd Webber (author of the hit musical "Cats", etc.) is having trouble being taken seriously as a composer by critics. He complained to Alan Jay Lerner, "Why do they take an instant dislike to me?" Replied Lerner, "Because it saves time." = = = = = = = i'll never forget roger, the pharmacist at the neighborhood drug store when i was getting to be old enough to buy condoms. i walked into the store, found which shelf the condoms were on, got a box and took them to the register. so far, so good... i just kept telling myself to keep a straight face and look like i bought these things all the time. i carried it off pretty well until the end: roger: here's your change and i'll grab a paper bag for you. me: that's ok, i don't need a bag. roger: oh, you're gonna eat 'em right here in the store, eh? = = = = = = = I live in Milwaukee, but on occasion I must drive the painful trip to downtown Chicago for business. While I was cruising at a top speed of 1.3 miles per hour, I decided it might be a good idea to actually tune into one of the "TRAFFIC INFO" stations on my AM dial. Instead of hearing a recorded voice telling me of the traffic situation as of an hour ago, I was somewhat (and plesantly) surprised to find they've finally managed to computerize the whole thing. It was very similar to the kind of voice intonation encountered when telephoning for the time.. I could hear a tiny pause (and a distinct "click") between each of the words and/or phrases. No doubt the entire system is completely computerized using some sort of sensors located at key points throughout the freeway system. During the recording, the following segment was broadcast, which shows that automated systems are never what they're cracked up to be: "As of .. four .. ten ..p.m, .. the following freeway locations are experiencing long delays....." ... I-290.. between.. Harlem Avenue.. and.. Harlem Avenue.." = = = = = = = Spotted by a BBC Radio 4 (very conservative - which made it funnier) announcer in London traffic: A large commercial vehicle, on the side of which the advertisement: Patel & Patel Building Contractors "You've tried the cowboys, now try the Indians" = = = = = = = [I got the following from _American_Heritage_Magazine_, November 1990.] According to the "Code of Etiquette for Display and Use of the U.S. Flag," which is part of Public Law 94-344: If the U.S. flag falls into a condition that makes it "no longer a fitting emblem for display," it must be "destroyed in a dignified way, preferably by burning in private." = = = = = = = I had never realized the extent of the deprivation of basic necessities experienced by poor factory workers during the Industrial Revolution until I read the following in my History textbook: "A family of six or ten might live in a single dark, airless room." Apparently air was affordable only by the wealthy factory owners. Presumably conditions improved when the owners found that workers performed better when able to breathe. (quote is from WORLD HISTORY: Patterns of Civilization) = = = = = = = I'm ancient enough to have grown up in an all-white neighborhood. A couple miles from my house was a building supply company that was very proud to have been in business since the turn of the century, and they had a motto painted on the side of their building to that effect. When the neighborhood finally began to integrate, this company very quickly changed their motto. And what was this motto that they discarded after all these years? "We sold your grandfather." = = = = = = = Big, professionally manufactured sign on the local office of Century 21 (a real estate sales firm): "We're Here for You (tm)" Beneath which hangs a smaller, hand printed sign: "We've moved to our new office one mile north of here ..." = = = = = = = From the Boulder (Colorado) Daily Camera newspaper, a few years back. Posted in the Services Offered category. The ad ran for about a year. "Can't read? Illiterate? Call me for professional reading lessons. Chris, 443-xxxx" I wonder how many phone calls Chris received ... = = = = = = = Source: Actual sign in Waller Hall at Washington State University some 23 years ago. Sign on the door in men's dormitory: Knock softly, but firmly, 'Cause I like soft, firm knockers! = = = = = = = Yesterday Hershey's won a contract to supply the armed forces with chocolate bars that will not melt in the extreme heat in the middle east. Hershey's calls the operation: Dessert Shield. = = = = = = = I was in a restaurant quite some time ago, and asked the waitress for a half-liter of the house wine. She replied that they only sold the wine in full liters, but she then pointed out that "Our liters are kind of small!" (The wine arrived in a standard 750ml bottle.) = = = = = = = This is an actual TV listing (source: Calgary Herald TV Times), for PBS station KSPS (Spokane), 6:00 PM MST, December 18, 1990: SQUARE ONE TELEVISION: Heavy metal rockers sing about metric and English measurement vocabulary. = = = = = = = A couple I know recently adopted a Korean girl, and were showing it off to friends. A neighbor came by to admire the baby, and asked, "But what will you do when she gets older and starts speaking Korean?" = = = = = = = As a seasonal gesture Derby City Council decided to install some festive lights in the streets, and they managed to arrange to buy some second-hand from Cleethorpes, a town about 100 miles away. The workmen put up the fancy lighting, although they didn't have time to test it before switching it on for the big occasion. As a result motorists entering Derby wondered how they could have become so lost as to be greeted by an enormous message in festive lights: Welcome to Cleethorpes! = = = = = = = After receiving a stream of harassing telephone calls, my sister had her phone number changed. Several weeks later, at 3:00 in the morning, her telephone rang. "Did you know," the caller inquired, "that your telephone number spells EAT-MINE?? " Now at 3:00 in the morning, one's brain is not completely functional. Angry and half-asleep, my sister called the telephone operator to complain. "I just had my number changed to avoid obscene phone calls," she screamed, "and now you've given me an obscene phone NUMBER!!!" = = = = = = = [From the 1991/1/30 issue of Dagbladet, Oslo, Norway. -Bjoern] Mr Trygve Hildebrand, director of a psychiatric clinic, had to escort someone aboard an airliner. With the increased security at the airports, due to the increased terrorist threats, he expected to be asked to show some identification, so he took with him two letters. Letter number 1: CONFIRMATION It is hereby confirmed that my name is Trygve Hildebrand, born 1940/12/22 and director of the Children's Psychiatric Clinic, Gravdal Hospital at Lofoten. Gravdal 1991/1/15 Trygve Gravdal Director The letter was rejected, but his second letter, signed by his secretary, was accepted by the security guards. = = = = = = = "How can I change the time-stamp on one of my files?" "You can only do that if you log in as 'Root'." "Oh. I guess I can't do it. Wait! Remember that program I wrote in high school to simulate a login screen? Whenever someone logged on, my program saved their password for me to use later! All I have to do is write a program like that and wait for the 'Root' to login!" Hmmmmm. I think they might be waiting a while for Mr. Root to walk into a student terminal room to login :-) = = = = = = = (Seen in the backpage classifieds of the 1/23/91 Denver WestWord) _Releasing your inner senior citizen_ To heck with that inner child, let's work on discovering and releasing that cantankerous senior that lives in us all. Get seats on the bus! Hit people in the shins with your cane~ Pretend you can't hear people when they are talking to you. Group forming soon. = = = = = = = A ten year old kid attended a birthday party at his apartment building. His mom sent him off and everything would be great. Not so. The kid came back to his apartment in five minutes. When he got home, he sought out his older brother and asked him in privacy, "Hey Billy, what's oral sex?" "Well, Dave. Oral sex is the opposite of written sex, if you read about it, its written sex. If you talk about it, it's oral sex." Soon after, the younger dude approached his mom in dissapointment. She asked him what was the matter. He said, "The party was so damn boring, everyone was just sitting around having oral sex!" = = = = = = = Romanelli's is the local Italian food delivery place. Tom and Bob work in the computer center here and we were all hanging out on the evening shift. We are hungry. Me: (phone dialing action) Romanelli's: Hello, Romanelli's. Me: Yes, we'd like a chicken parm sandwich, a sausage sandwich, and an antipasto salad. R: We have no sausage sandwiches. Me: No sausage, Bob. What do you want? Bob: Uh, chicken I guess. Me: Okay, 2 chicken parms and an antipasto salad. R: Two chicken parms and an antipasto salad. Where to? Me: Drew University Academic Computer Center. R: That's in Brothers College? Me: Yes. R: You're in the computer room? Me: Yes. (now, this is the weird part) R: What systems are you running? Me: (Huh?) Um, mostly Vaxes. R: You got Ethernet and Decnet? Me: Yes. R: What else are you running? Me: We've got LAT also. R: TCP/IP? Me: Yeah, we just installed some Ultrix Workstations. Tom (to Bob): He hung up a minute ago. He's making this up. R: 3100s? 2100s? Me: Yeah, some of each. R: What kind of stuff do you do there? Me: Mostly comp sci programming and math stuff. R: Any IBM stuff? Me: Yeah, we have lot's of PCs, but nothing larger. R: No IBM mainframes? Me: Nope, no mainframes or minis. R: I only work here part time for financial reasons, I really work in telecommunications. Me (suddenly somewhat understanding): Oh... R: It'll be about 30 minutes. Me: Thanks. Goodnight. (to Tom and Bob) No, guys, he really was there! This isn't his real job, he said he works in telecommunications! You know, I don't think Tom and Bob believe me... but it really happened, I swear! Could I have made this up? = = = = = = = I was driving through sunny downtown Waltham, Massachusets when I passed a restaurant that had a sign proclaiming this bargain: We have Senior Citizens, 10% off, Monday-Friday 10 a.m. - 2 p.m. = = = = = = = This is taken from a review article in the Times Literary Supplement printed on January 22, 1982, by George Steiner, on the life and work of Hungarian radical Georg Lukacs: "When I first called on him, in the winter on 1957-8, in a house still pockmarked with shellbursts and grenade splinters, I stood speechless before the armada of his printed works, as it crowded the bookshelves. Lukacs seized on my puerile wonder and blazed out of his chair in a motion at once vulnerable and amused: `You want to know how one gets work done? It's easy. House arrest, Steiner, house arrest!'" = = = = = = = From a draft copy of a Student project group report (quoted exactly): Quality exelence is best achieved by preventing problems rather than recifying them after they occure. it is the aim of the company toproduce zero defects by getting it rigt first time. (Quoted with permission from Mike Barter who wrote it.) = = = = = = = Recently, in a physics class, we were working out a rather complex problem. Our teacher showed us two equations and said that the step from equation A to equation B is obvious. One of the student raised his hand and asked, "Why is it obvious?" = = = = = = = This was read on the radio this morning, citing the January issue of _American Spectator_ as the source. Apparently another unnamed magazine was later reported to have also carried the story. At some type of establishment with a coffee urn available to patrons an earthy taste has been in the coffee for about four months. They tried changing brands of coffee, new coffee pots, etc. etc. until the true cause was found. A deliveryman has been found to be urinating in the coffee urn, causing the unusual taste. The legal outlook for this guy is considered bleak unless he can be shown to be a practicer of one of the up-and-coming Hindu Urine Cults now growing in this country. = = = = = = = The recent posting from a SouthWest Airlines ad reminded me of an incident which occurred on my last SouthWest flight back from Las Vegas. The flight crew was going through the normal pre-flight 'safety' speech, and of course no one was paying attention. Out of the corner of my ear I heard If you are sitting next to a child or someone who is acting like one, please secure your own mask before assisting them with theirs. I looked up in surprise at the stewardess with the microphone, who saw my look and smiled. Looking around the plane, I think I was the only one who caught it... = = = = = = = This is true. Here in Berkeley, Politically Correctness center of the galaxy, in the physics building are recycling bins. One for paper, one for glass, one for cans, and one with a sign over it reading "Colored Paper". Someone with a red felt pen changed the sign to read: Paper of Color = = = = = = = My nomination for Worthless Product of The Year (spotted in the "Univ. of Texas Lifetime Health Letter"): -------- BEANS: NO MORE EMBARRASSING ENCORES If you love beans and other high-fiber foods but often pass them up because of disconcerting sound effects, help is on the way. A commercially produced enzyme called "Beano" (Lactaid Inc.) reduces flatulence from gas-producing foods such as beans, lentils, peas, broccoli, cabbage, onions and eggplant. Made from the fungus _Aspergillus niger_, Beano prevents flatulence by breaking down gas-producing sugars. You simply add about five drops of the liquid to your first bite of an offending food - and the enzyme does the rest. One warning: because Beano is derived from a fungus, it may cause gastric upset in people who are allergic to molds or penicillin. = = = = = = = I used to work in a dermatology lab where doctors would send us their samples and we would make slides for them. Most of the time, the sites of the samples were hard to read, but one came in that was printed clearly: "Site: penis, small" = = = = = = = Prof tells us that there will be a test next Wednesday - 30 multiple guess questions on material in the chapter, videos we've watched, and classwork. He then asked if we would like for him to tell us where exactly the information is located. So I piped up - "Sure, and why don't you give us the answers as well," - you know, just a smartass comment. The prof then promptly rattled off all 30 of the answers - much too quickly to write down, let alone realize that that was what he was doing. Damn - looks like it's time to start taping lectures.... or get a memory upgrade. = = = = = = = The personal computer ISKRA-1030 (made in USSR, supposed to be XT clone) can generate an error message: "Write protect error reading device CON" = = = = = = = Yesterday, while I was buying tickets at the Movie hall, I heard someone say at the other counter: "Two Ghosts Please!!". = = = = = = = My friend Richard was a white water rafting guide for several years in Northern California. His company used to exchange float trips for medical services. Everybody was happy: the guides were kept healthy, the doctors got some raft trips, and the raft company cut its medical expenses. At some point Richard needed a routine checkup; he inquired at the rafting company offices and was told that they would set up an appointment with a certain Dr. Kurt Sandstrom in San Francisco. Richard drove into The City, and at the appointed hour arrived at the offices of one Dr. Kurt Sandstrom, gynecologist. Richard, enlightened young man that he was, knew something that many do not know; gynecologists are real doctors, and are perfectly capable of doing "regular things" and not just "whatever it is that gynecologists do, but we musn't talk about." Since the white water rafters tend to be a fun-loving bunch, he also knew that he had been set up by the company's secretary. Nevertheless, after a moment's amused reflection, he strolled into the office, and presented himself at the desk. "Hi, my name's Richard Draper, I've got an appointment with Dr. Sandstrom at ten o'clock." As it happened, the doctor's staff seemed also to be unacquainted with the versatility of gynecologists. They were puzzled, and embarrassed, and they attempted to send Richard away, without using the "G" word. "There must be some mistake; we don't think you have an appointment with the doctor," replied one of the staff. "Gosh, I drove all the way out here, could you just check the books?" asked Richard. Upon doing so, they discovered that there was, indeed, a ten o'clock apointment for one R. Draper. "Well, there seems to be an appointment for you, but there must be a mistake. Dr. Sandstrom can't be your doctor." "Well, why not? He is a doctor, isn't he?" Richard is very bright fellow, but he looks very much like a surfin' dude and can play very dumb when he wishes. The office staff hemmed and hawed, trying to get Richard to leave, but he wouldn't be rebuffed. Finally one of the staff layed it out for him, plain enough for even a surfer to understand: "you can't see the doctor, because he's a gynecologist." "That's okay, my ear hurts too," replied Richard. He saw Dr. Sandstrom at ten o'clock sharp. = = = = = = = In his introduction of Albert Lee, the MC at a Stanford Lively Arts program, "Masters of the Steel String Guitar", said that Mr. Lee had once been hired by Eric Clapton to play lead guitar. He then said: "Being hired by Eric Clapton to play lead guitar is like being hired by Jack the Ripper to be a hit man." = = = = = = = Not long ago, about the time when the ground offensive to liberate Kuwait was about to begin, I saw the following two rather large bumper stickers next to each other on the back of a car on the Pittsburgh streets: VISUALIZE WORLD PEACE - SHIT HAPPENS = = = = = = = on the first day of the ground war, CNN had on some unedited footage of burning oil fields in the background, burned up Iraqi tanks in the distance, and thousands of Iraqi prisoners walking by all under arrest... a US (I assume) soldier is heard to say: "we bad...or we bad ???" = = = = = = = Quote without comment from a recent Apple publication entitled "Upgrade your favorite tool. Your mind." peddling Developer University courses including "Introduction to Object-Oriented Programming": "I still get goose bumps every time I override a method... Wow! I just can't believe how much fun OOP is." - Harry Wiguna, HealthCare Communications = = = = = = = I was sat in the pub with a few friends, playing pool and whatever, when someone asked me whether I'd made a move with a girl I fancied. The landlord took us up on this, and said "I'll give you the one chat-up line she can't give you a snotty response to". Okay, said I. He told me to get her alone, put my arm round her, kiss her gently on the cheek, and whisper in her ear : "How do you like your eggs in the morning ??" To which a voice came from the other side of the table : "Unfertilised". = = = = = = = At a jewelry store here in town, there is a sign in the window, "Watch batteries while you wait" Most boring thing I ever heard of..... = = = = = = = You should have seen the bulletin posted outside of our Auditorium... Our school is performing the play "Annie", and it is the Broadway version without Daddy Warbucks' bodyguard Punjab. So on the door it said "Sorry, no Punjabs". You should have seen the review THAT one got in the local newspaper. = = = = = = = Now, I'm not really *proud* of my beard. I mean, I only have a beard because I hate to shave. But I do try to keep it neat and clean, and the only negative comments I ever get are from females born around 1910. I am also not fond of Radio Shack's insistence on pumping my name and address into the computer every time I buy another battery for my watch. So I was reall peeved to find that my last invoice stated not that I live at "3118 Baird", but at "311 Hate Beard Road". This clerk's personal comments about my face is going to be enshrined forever in Radio Shack's customer files? (Maybe I should send this to "RISKS-FORUM" too.) = = = = = = = Some relatives have a 5-year old boy named Jeff who has some speech problems which include using incorrect grammar. So, they put him in speech therapy. During the early stages of treatment, they were not supposed to correct his speech, since his self-esteem was pretty low. But Jeff made progress and gained some confidence, so the rule became that they were now supposed to correct him all the time. This is what happened soon after. One morning, Jeff was eating his cereal, his younger sister began to tease him mercilessly. Rather than fight back, he finally got up and moved to the other side of the table, muttering, "Me not going to take that kind of crap." Immediately, his parents responded in unison, "*I'm* not going to take that kind of crap." = = = = = = = I logged on to one of NASA's computers this morning and was greeted by this startling message of the day: ============================== EARTH DOWNTIME ============================== Earth will be down today from 4:30pm to 6:30pm to work on hardware problems. = = = = = = = [From an article in MacWEEK, March 19, 1991, describing Negotiator Pro, a software tool which "teaches users how to improve their negotiation skills"] "'I had a client who was guilty as all get out,' said ..., an attorney in Monett, MO. 'The best plea-bargain offer I could get was seven years in the pen. I used Negotiator Pro to create a profile of the prosecuting attorney and my interaction with him. As a result, I got my client's sentence reduced to four years from seven years.'" = = = = = = = This is reported by Time magazine: "Santa Cruz, CA: A university of California administrator has sought to ban such phrases as "a chink in the armor," "a nip in the air" and "call a spade a spade" because they contain words that in other contexts have been used to express prejudice." = = = = = = = The maths/physics/computer science building at Auckland University was built in about 1970, and in a typical penny pinching maneuver, obsolete lifts were installed. As these are now 20 years old, and spare parts have probably been unavailable for much of that time, they are, to say the least, unreliable. Your life flashes before your eyes whenever you enter one, and an office mate of mine maintained (over my objections) that there are no Atheists in lifts. I lived in constant dread that I would get stuck in a lift when I needed to go to the toilet. Anyway, one morning I came in and found that both lifts were operating flawlessly. (As opposed to the more common event of operating floorlessly.) They opened the doors smoothly, they weren't in their homicidal "close the doors again before they even completely open" mode, they weren't in their "sulk in the basement" mode, when they stopped, you could get out without stepping up or down 30 cm and they took less than one minute between floors. Inspired by this unprecedented event, I went up to my office and soon returned to the lobby with a notice: "Due to circumstances beyond our control, both lifts are fully operational. We apologize for any inconvenience. Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible." Sure enough, next morning the sign was gone, and an engineer had disassembled lift spread around the lobby for repairs. = = = = = = = From the New York Times, 3 April 1991: BRITON JOKES ABOUT 5 YEARS IN IRANIAN JAIL Looking tired and gaunt but sporting a sense of humor, Roger Cooper, a British businessman who was held by Iran for more that five years on spying charges, arrived in Britain yesterday after being released unexpectedly from a high-security prison in Tehran. Playing down his ordeal, he said, "I can say that anyone who, like me, has been educated in the English public schools and served in the ranks of the British army is quite at home in a Third World prison." = = = = = = = Real honest to god recipe on the back of Kraft grated parmesan cheese: 'The Secret To Thicker Sauce' SPAGHETTI PARMESAN 1 32-oz jar spaghetti sauce 1 16-oz pkg spaghetti, 2/3 cup KRAFT 100% Grated cooked,drained Parmesan Cheese Heat sauce according to label directions. When heated, stir in parmesan cheese. Simmer 10 minutes, stirring occationally. Pour sauce over spaghetti. Sprinkle with additional parmesan cheese, if desired. 6 to 8 servings. Variation: Recipe may be halved. Sure am glad they explained it! = = = = = = = Here's something I found in the junk newsgroup. That group, as you know, is filled with stuff that Waterloo Admin. deletes from the feed. Article 42169 of junk: From: halcyon!elf@seattleu.edu (Elf Sternberg) Subject: Really Evil Happening in Denver Date: 8 Apr 91 01:41:11 GMT Organization: The 23:00 News and Mail Service How many people here are familiar with the Rev. Robert Larson? Runs a talk-show, ministers to Satanists and Pagans and such, tries to convert them to J*s*s. Well, this weekend, someone broke into his Compassion Connection (tm) and re-recorded the note on his telephone answering service. It said, for all of Easter weekend: Hi, this is Bob Larson, and none of my referral counsellors can come to the phone right now; We're all out on golf courses, raping young boys. I hope you have a happy Easter; I'll be spending mine sodomizing the Easter Bunny. If you leave your name and number at the beep, one of my consellors will get back to you, after I've fucked them. Have no idea who left it, and of course he's using it as a fund- raiser ("Oh, how the Evil Ones have assaulted us! Send money to fight this evil!"). But I thought it was particularily evil, and had to be mentioned. = = = = = = = From the New England Journal of Medicine, March 7, 1991 (Volume 324 Number 10): To the Editor: I wish to report the serendipitous discovery of a symptomatic treatment for low back pain that, until now, has been underutilized. Six months ago I evaluated a 48-year-old retired airline pilot with a two-month history of ... [unrelated complaint deleted]. ... he had ... and responded quickly to ... On a follow-up visit at six months, he reported continued control of the facial pain but described an exacerbation of his chronic, intermitted low-grade lumbar back pain. On examination, he had a mild restriction of forward bending, mild paraspinous muscle spasm, and no neurologic defects. When asked about factors that aggravated or relieved his pain, he related that the only maneuver that attenuated the symptom was flying upside down in his rebuilt open-cockpit biplane, suspended by the seat belt and shoulder harness. This treatment had to be administered in repeated brief bursts, since the aircraft operated on a gravity-dependent fuel-injection system; after 10 seconds upside down, the engine would stall and need to be restarted during a dive. On the other hand, his back pain was aggravated by prolonged flying in the usual (right-side-up) position. In fact, the current exacerbation was attributed to a recent flying trip with his wife, during which she would not permit him to fly upside down. This case raises a number of interesting questions, not least among them being issues of risk-benefit ratios, cost effectiveness, and even utilization review, assuming that fuel costs may be reimbursible by the patient's third-party insurance carrier... In any case, the time is ripe for a study comparing this approach with the use of gravity-inversion boots. Robert S. Hoffman, M.D. Daly City, CA 94015 Peninsula Neurological Associates = = = = = = = My wife is a new CS professor, and since she is new she teaches lower- level courses. One of her classes is in "Computer Literacy", which is a course to explain computers to non-majors. Sadly, some of these people don't pay a lot of attention in class and try to guess answers to test questions; this week's midterm earned one of the most original guesses ever: Question: Name one advantage of tape as compared to a hard disk for storing data. Answer: Can listen to it. = = = = = = = In the "Daily Texan" after the election of a editor who said that he wanted to clean up the language in the newspaper: Weather: Last Time You May See This Type of Shit Before It Gets Censored Weather. Fucking highs in the mid-shitty-80's, with goddamn lows in the sexually deviant upper 60s. The fucklove winds will penetrate from the southeast at fuck 15-25 fucking mph. Truthtruth 30 percent chance of rain of fucks, some veryveryvery severe, too disturbing to talk about. Fuck. Love and [CENSORED]. = = = = = = = From "Unisys World Network Computing News" March 1991 Vol 9, No 3 "... the Symmetry 2000 achieved a record performance rate of 354 transactions per second on a 16-CPU system. The benchmark yielded a cost per transaction of $8100, including five-year cost of ownership ..." ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ And I thought $0.15 per check was bad! = = = = = = = My favorite quotation from this year's 1040 form (page 24): "DO NOT use this chart if you are blind." = = = = = = = The local duplex theater had the following on their marque: DANCES WITH WOLVES THE HARD WAY A few years back, the same theater advertised: EXTRATERRESTRIAL WHOREHOUSE IN TEXAS = = = = = = = The following was written and is currently being used as resume cover letter by my buddy Dennis Jennings: To whom it may concern: Well hello there prospective new employer!!! Lookin for that perfect new employee? One that's smart enough to get the job done but not smart enough to take your job? Well I'm your man!! Yup, I'll be your very own sychophant and will do all those nasty, dirty little jobs that you don't want to do or just can't do cause you're a tad short in the smarts department. When the big boss compliments you on how much you've improved (even though we know it was because of me) I'll stand right there and say how terrific you are! Am I good? Yes! Am I cheap? Of course! Do I know my place? You know I do BOSS! So c'mon, give little ol dj a call and get that career of yours back on track! I'll be waiting to hear from you! Sincerely, = = = = = = = A new TV ad for a Lexus automobile touted a new leasing agreement where Lexus will pay for all scheduled maintenance costs for two years or 30,000 miles, whichever comes first. The ad finishes with the announcer saying: "Just what you've always wanted: a short-term, no-maintenance relationship." = = = = = = = I was astonished to read the following on a package of sugar today: "No Salt! No Fat! No Cholesterol!" That's progress I guess. = = = = = = = This happened to me 5 in the morning while Cluster Consulting here at CMU: User: "What access rights are needed for a user to ls -l a file?" Me: "Lookup and read" User: "But I've read the f**king manual 5 times already and I can't find it!" Me: = = = = = = = Quoted in the New Scientist: A Doctor at Yale has observed that all the fingers have names, but that only the big toe has a name. He thus proposes names for all 5 toes: porcellus fori, porcellus domi, porcellus carnivorus, porcellus non voratus, porcellus plorans domum. [For the non-Latin speaking: this refers to the children's rhyme "This little piggie went to market."] = = = = = = = The FTC is going to require that the makers of vegetable oils no longer be allowed to put banners reading "No Cholesterol" on their labels. The reason? Vegetable oil has no cholesterol. Huh? = = = = = = = Cleaners Vacuum Family's Cat ---------------------------- From the Ottawa Citizen, 14 May 1991 Sudbury, Ont. - Cleaners who used an industrial-strength vacuum to clean air ducts at a local home were surprised to learn that their vacuum had sucked up a cat named Pebbles. "We got a call from one of my guys that the truck was meowing," said Colin Firth, owner of Sudbury Air Duct Cleaning Systems. Firth said he thought the workers were joking until Pebbles's owner Kristina Anderson called to say her cat had been missing since the ducts were cleaned. = = = = = = = In their book, Optoelectronics, An Introduction, J. Wilson and J. F. B Hawkes explain, "The laser, despite its name, is more analogous to an oscillator than an amplifier." A few pages earlier they say, "The word `laser' is an acronym for `Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation'." Why this misnomer? Can you imagine "Light Oscillation by Stimulated Emission of Radiation?" Who would name their invention "LOSER?" = = = = = = = The new parents, sophisticated music lovers, decided that their baby should grow up loving the atonal classical music of the 20th century. So they decided that positive reinforcement conditioning was the best way to do this. Whenever they fed the baby, they would play Schoenberg, or Ives, or other modern music like that. Well, it certainly did have an effect: to this day, that child (now grown) hates milk. = = = = = = = Monday's [5/20/91] NY Times says: Man driving on Manhattan's West Side Highway was shot dead by somebody in another car, a victim of a "random attack." The car from which the shots were fired was "possibly a Monte Carlo." = = = = = = = Here's the menu of choices seen at ATM in Cupertino, CA. on 5/22/91: Deposit ----------> Account Balance --> Get Gash ---------> = = = = = = = When I recently received a disk/tape expansion unit from Sun, it included a single page which read as follows: "Read Me First VCCI 1 -------------------- This is a Read Me First (RMF) for this Sun product. This document contains the Voluntary Control Council for Interference Class 1 (VCCI 1) statement in JAPANESE which should be read before powering up this Sun product" ------ = = = = = = = BEIJING [UPI] -- Premier Li Peng Tuesday threatened painful economic retaliation if China loses its MFN trade status with the US, warning the low-tariff agreement is a "two-way street." Li was speaking to several hundred foreign business representatives, diplomats and journalists at a dinner given at Diaoyutai, China's state guesthouse. Although more than 100 foreign journalists were invited to the speech, Chinese officials expressly forbade them to ask questions. = = = = = = = From "The Docket" (the newsletter of the Civil Liberties Union of Massachusetts) : Commonwealth v. MacKinnon. CLUM attorneys represented MacKinnon, a street performer who was charged with being a disorderly person after giving a performance on the Esplanade. The MDC police alleged that MacKinnon's costume, **which included a likeness of Ronald Reagan's head mounted on a cylinder protruding from his open fly**, and his performance were obscene and offensive to the public. They claimed that they arrested MacKinnon after receiving complaints from spectators. The charges were dismissed. = = = = = = = Seen while walking in an Atlanta area mall Sunday... At the local hair salon, a bargain on 'Virgin Relaxer -- $25' And, seen on a billboard while driving _to_ the aforementioned mall.... Father's Day Special at the local clinic -- Vasectomy! The whole car died laughing... = = = = = = = I heard a public advocacy lawyer speak on "A Journey to Justice" recently. He said when he looked up justice in a standard reference for lawyers, "justice" took two sentences. The phrase, "just compensation", took almost an entire page. Somehow, this didn't surprise me. = = = = = = = As told by a coworker (overheard from a woman contemplating the purchase of a waterproof watch rated for 100 meters): "I don't know, I usually swim farther than that..." = = = = = = = Heard on the 7:00 am news on May 31, 1991 in Toronto. - A resident of the Toronto suburb of Etobicoke was fined $500 for removing an island from the Credit River. It seems that this man lives on the shore of the river. A 15' x 30' island in the river was diverting water to his property causing his shoreline to erode. So he took a backhoe and removed the island. I guess one has to scrape the bottom of the river to find justice. = = = = = = = Seems the husband was about to be shipped off to Saudi Arabia to participate in Desert Shield. Apparently condoms are very useful in keeping sand out of the barrel of one's rifle. So the husband (in uniform) and wife went to the drug store to buy a box of condoms. While they were standing in the checkout line, the wife said "I think you should take two boxes. You might be over there a long time" At this point, an old lady standing next to them stepped up to the wife, put a hand on her shoulder and, while slowly shaking her head, said, "Honey, you're the most understanding wife I have ever seen." = = = = = = = Derek has a half-brother, Gordon, who is about five years old. One Sunday after church, they were visiting with their pastor. The pastor asked the boy, "Gordon, when you grow up, do you want to go to Texas A&M like your brother?" Gordon answered, "No sir. I want to go to college." = = = = = = = Subject: Warning found on a can of Freon "Sudden death may occur without warning. Call a physician immediately." = = = = = = = i've just seen this on a van (belonging to a building company): Guaranteed Satisfaction with every erection! = = = = = = = One of my uncles was a retired elementary school teacher in a small village in India. He used to go to the next town first week of every month to collect his pension. He was required to produce a certificate from a government doctor that he was alive everytime he collected his pension. He didn't go to collect his pension for a couple of months as he was ill and hospitalised. After recuperation, he went to collect his pension for that month along with the arrears. The clerk in the office asked him, "Thats fine. This is the certificate showing that you are alive this month. But where are the certificates to prove that you were alive the last two months?" waving the medical certificate. = = = = = = = The New York Times notes that the Lord's Prayer contains 56 words, the 23rd Psalm 118 words, the Gettysburg Address 226 words, and the Ten Commandments 297 words, while the U.S. Department of Agriculture directive on pricing cabbage weighs in at 15,629 words. = = = = = = = I like it when grocers in the check-out line try to make friendly small conversation. One time I bought a can of lighter fluid and some orange juice concentrate: "Mmmm, Having a barbeque tonight, huh?" "No. Mixed drinks." The bagger busted up laughing. = = = = = = = I have several students working for me, doing early morning system backups. One in particular had immigrated to the United States. He is a brilliant and dedicated person, and he had been raised to be very polite. One early morning I got a call from him about a problem (early morning problem calls are a routine part of my job). He was very apologetic about waking me up, and expressed concern that he hoped I would not get mad at him for it. I laughed it off, and told him that wake-up calls are part of my job. After we resolved the problem, he again apologized for waking me up, and we hung up. Later that day, I ran into him on campus... "Hi. I'm sorry I woke you up this morning." "No problem. That's what I get paid for." "Well, still I'm sorry. I hope you're not mad at me." "Look, I'm not mad at you. But if you don't quit apologizing, I will get mad at you." "Oh...," and in all seriousness, "well, I'm sorry I apologize so much." I couldn't help myself. I burst out laughing. = = = = = = = From an Associated Press story in the Kansas City Star, 6/12/91: FORT WORTH, Texas -- A shooting victim was declared dead and sent to a morgue, where a worker found him still breathing and sent him back to the hospital, investigators said. The victim was put on a respirator but soon died. "It was nobody's fault," said James Kirkpatrick, a medical examiner's investigator. "He was sent over a little early." = = = = = = = The company official social organization often sponsors various events for employees. I was looking at the schedule and noted that on Jun 22 the event will be the New York City Opera doing _A little Night Music_, while the following night the event is _Hulk Hogan vs. Sergeant Slaughter_. = = = = = = = An article in `The Age' newspaper 13/6/91 discussed the increase in numbers of skilled workers leaving Australia in the last couple of years. It ended with an optimistic footnote: To every cloud, however, there is a silver lining. In 1985-86 there was a net loss of only three Australian economists. In 1989-90, however, we had a very favourable trade balance, exporting 60 more Aussie economists than we took back. This might be just what the economy needs to recover from their advice. = = = = = = = There is a small town in Western Maryland, called "Accident". This raises all sorts of fun possibilities. For instance, the founding fathers were wise enough to _not_ put a road nearby named "Purpose". Can you imagine calling for a tow truck, and trying to tell them, "Hi. I ran out of gas by Accident, on Purpose, but I didn't mean to." There is a small business in this town that sells ambulances, Accident Ambulance Service. = = = = = = = I saw this in alt.folklore.urban: > > By the way, it is plausible that the disposal of exotic animal wastes is > > regulated by law, custom, or common sense to prevent the introduction of > > exotic diseases and/or parasites into native populations. > At one time the San Francisco Zoo was selling "Zoo Doo" for gardners. I think they still do. Nothing like mulching with a nice sack of tiger shit to keep the deer out of your rosebushes. = = = = = = = Listed amongst the various member bodies of ISO I found the following: Kenya (KEBS) Kenya Bureau of Standards Off Mombasa Road Behind Belle Vue Cinema NAIROBI = = = = = = = My roommate works at the local animal shelter. Since we live here in the progressive (:->) town of Chapel Hill, this animal shelter actually has an emergency rescue service for animals, replete with a special van outfitted with animal carriers as well as an around-the-clock hot line used to dispatch volunteers at any time of the day or night. Volunteers are typically assigned shifts of two or three day stretches -- such as weekends -- and carry a beeper and a mobile phone so that they can be easily reached. Anyway, recently my roommate was talking with another volunteer, whom I'll call "Hugh". Hugh related that he was on duty one weekend and got a call in the early evening from a woman saying that her dog had been hit by a car. Hugh hurriedly drove the van over there to see a small pooch cavorting happily around the lawn. Hugh stopped the animal long enough to give it a quick examination, and could discover no serious injuries -- broken bones, dislo- cations, signs of internal bleeding, stuff like that. The only thing he found was a small cut on the dog's lip. He released the dog, which went back to playing, and he told the woman that there didn't appear to be any serious injuries and that the dog looked fine. The woman had been somewhat distraught, so Hugh added, "If he starts acting strangely, just let us know and we'll come right back out." The woman thanked him and he left. Apparently, end of story. Not quite. Hugh goes to bed that night, gets awakened at 2 AM by a call. It's the woman. She's concerned about her dog. Hugh asks why. The woman answers, "He's acting sleepy." = = = = = = = From page 7 of the Adelaide "Advertiser" newspaper, 01-Jul-1991, (and probably lots of other newspapers throughout the world), in the world news section: "Grenades Fly In Chicken Row ---------------------------- PESHAWAR, Pakistan: A dispute over a chicken escalated into a pitched battle in which four people were killed, after two Pakistani tribal families tried to settle the row with rocket launchers and hand grenades. The clash occurred after the bird flew to a nearby house whose owner laid claim to it." = = = = = = = The government of the USA has outlawed the steroids used for muscle-building. The list includes testosterone. This means that having testosterone in your posession is now a criminal offense. This also means that the government can seize any equipment used to manufacture testosterone. If you see half the population of the US protectively clutching their crotches, that's why. = = = = = = = Seen recently at a theater sign in Costa Mesa, CA: DYING YOUNG Gift Certificates Available You just have to wonder... = = = = = = = Seen on a shop door in Jerusalem, Israel: AIR CONDITION PLEASE CLOSE DOOR = = = = = = = Here in Wisconsin, our beloved Gov. Tommy Thompson is having a veto-fest at the capitol. So far, he's cut over 400 items from the current budget with no signs of stopping. On Aug 1st, The Green Bay Press-Gazette, a nationally respected newspaper, carried the story on page 1. The 2-inch headline was supposed to read: THOMPSON'S PEN IS A SWORD Unfortunately, the spacing was a bit off, so unsuspecting Green Bay readers sat down with their morning coffee to learn: THOMPSON'S PENIS A SWORD It gave me a newfound respect for the guy. = = = = = = = On the news this morning, Florida governor Chiles defended his state's sale of 188 permits to hunters to kill up to 15 alligators each by saying that the income would be used for the Alligator Protection Program. Protection from what? = = = = = = = I stepped into a fast food place for lunch the other day. I ordered a bacon cheeseburger, to which the waitress replied: "Would you like bacon on that sir?" = = = = = = = From the Birth Announcements, Toronto Globe and Mail, July 13, 1991: B.A.G. (Brad) Riddoch and L.M. (Linda) Riddoch, the senior partners of Riddoch, Riddoch and Riddoch, formerly Riddoch and Riddoch, are pleased to announce the appointment of Blake Andrew Harrison Riddoch as Son. He will report jointly to Mr. and Mrs. Riddoch. As son Mr. Blake Riddoch's immediate responsibilities will include eating, crying, sleeping and waste management. He will be located at Head Office in Toronto. Blake assumed his responsibilities June 30, 1991 at 19:53 hours, weighing in at 7 pounds 13 ounces with placement by Dr. Josie Tenore. Formerly of The Womb, he brings 9 months extensive production and development experience to his new position. Riddoch, Riddoch and Riddoch is family owned and operated... = = = = = = = Sign seen in the State College, PA Cineplex theater Marquee: 101 DALMATIONS DYING YOUNG = = = = = = = Subject: Do you trust these guys? The Payne Elevator Company office in Cambridge, Mass. is in a single-story building. = = = = = = = License plate seen in the parking lot at the local mall: "I have PMS and I carry a handgun." = = = = = = = Saw this sign today... FREE CHECKING FOR 117 YEARS Limited Time Offer = = = = = = = I read this somewhere. You know how most laundromats have a number on each machine? At one apartment complex, they gave each machine in the laundry room a name, to make it easier to remember when reporting difficulties. This led to the following note appearing on the superintendent's door: Alice gets hot but won't tumble. = = = = = = = Our submission for the "Chicken Little" award for computer advertising: From the July 8th edition of "Federal Computer Week", page 36: "The PS:Refillable Cartridge can be used with nearly all ... laser printers ... It is refillable by the user and never leaves the user's premises, insuring that data security is never compromised." Laser printer toner cartridges do contain the printer drum. On laser toner cartridges the drum is 2 - 3 cm in diameter. By dint of extraordinary effort, you should be able to reconstruct the last 1/3 of the last page to be printed ... = = = = = = = Your ever vigilant west coast reporter is pleased to report the following (New Scientist, 6 July): A new international condom standard has been agreed upon: ISO 4074, after concluding 15 years of debate. Now Japanese, UK, US and ISO standards all specify a minimum dimension of 160 mm. The new ISO standard prescribes air-testing with a minimum volume and bursting pressure requirement to reflect a minimum of 20N (N = newtons, for the software types and other peasants) axial force. = = = = = = = After a round of thunderstorms hit most of the USA on Tuesday, the 11 PM news had an interesting report: the usual set of today's highs and lows, rainfall amounts, and so on; a few satellite photos; some local interest shots. Then the weather guy got to the forecast: NONE. The National Weather Bureau's main forecasting station in D.C. was struck by lightning, taking out all their computers. No data, no crunchers, no forecast. But we did have a red sky at night, and the satellite photos helped. = = = = = = = This is a true story told to me by a guy at work... He was driving around Atlanta at around 80mph, when he got pulled over by a cop. The cop struts up to the car (wearing his sunglasses that are mirrored on the inside) and says, "Do y'know you were goin' a bit fast, son?" My friend looked up at the cop, and replied, "Gee, officer, I had an itch on my dick, and had to move my leg to scratch it." To which the cop responds, "Well, shit, son! That happens to me all the time!" My friend got out of two speeding tickets in Georgia using this tactic... = = = = = = = Background -> I had ordered 5 CDs from Columbia House. They only shipped 4, however, demanding payment before sending the fifth. On the invoice was stated: "We must limit the amount of open charges. We are, therefore, holding SOME GIRLS until your balance has been paid... " I quickly submitted the ransom... = = = = = = = From the top of the United Airlines flight safety brochure: "If you cannot read this, please ask the flight attendant for assistance." = = = = = = = Seen on the front door of *Color Magic*, a color copy store in Mountain View, CA: +---------------------------+ | PUSH | | If that doesn't work then | | PULL | | If that doesn't work then | | We're closed. | +---------------------------+ = = = = = = = I called AAA to ask for an insurance quote, and their representative said: "I'm sorry, but the person I have available isn't available right now. Could I have someone call you back?" = = = = = = = This sign was on a church door on Main Street, Waltham Massachusetts USA. (The sign is gone now, but it used to be a solid brass job with three-dimensional letters, like a bank sign.) ________________________ | | | Family Planning | | | | Use Rear Entrance | | | ________________________ = = = = = = = For a few years a road near my parents house had the standard "Speed Limit 35" sign, with a smaller sign underneath which read: "Speed monitered by ESP device." I really wonder what would have happened if someone had challenged that in court. = = = = = = = Heard on NYC's WCBS News Radio yesterday: Dr. Mumble died of AIDS related infections but didn't tell that to his patients. = = = = = = = From the sealed envelope of a software upgrade I just received: BY OPENING THIS PACKAGE, YOU AGREE TO ALL THE TERMS OF THE ENCLOSED SOFTWARE LICENSE AGREEMENT. IF YOU DO NOT AGREE WITH THESE TERMS, RETURN THE UNOPENED PACKAGE TO THE PLACE WHERE YOU OBTAINED IT FOR A FULL REFUND. = = = = = = = This is from the Stanford Univ. BBoard Did you all see that article in the Sunday Examiner about yawning? Page 3 of the Sunday Punch section, in case you missed it. Three clinical psychiatrists had a paper in the Canadian Journal of Psychiatry entitled "Unusual Side Effects of Clomipramine Associated with Yawning", describing 4 patients who, while taking the the anti-depressant drug Clomipramine (brand name Anafranil) reported the unusual side effect of spontaneous orgasm every time they yawned. The first case of this was a female patient who had been depressed for 3 months, but under treatment "Complete symptom remission occurred within 10 days". She then asked how long she would be allowed to go on using the drug, since she had observed that every time she yawned she had an orgasm, and she was able to experience orgasm by deliberate yawning. Apparently it can work for guys too. One male patient said that while he found the repeated climaxes "awkward and embarrassing, he elected to continue the medication because of the therapeutic benefit he obtained. The awkwardness and embarrassment were overcome by continuously wearing a condom." = = = = = = = The news reported today that the much anticipated opening of Christo's latest environmental artwork, a collection of 4000 twenty foot umbrellas along I-5 in Northern California, had been delayed for one day. Because of rain. = = = = = = = I heard, recently, on BBC Radio 4 of PC and its use in the States. I understand that PC lingo for `black' (as in one's skin colour) is now `African American'. The announcer told of one reporter who was desparately trying to be PC and asked ``Now Mr. Mandela, as an African American, how does it feel.......'' = = = = = = = At last night's Unix Unanimous meeting David Tilbrook was raving about the performance of HP's new Snake computer, having just taken delivery of one the day before. Convinced of the quality of the machine, but wondering if it was actually shipping to mere mortals, someone asked: "What would happen if I phoned HP and told them I wanted a Snake?" Without hesitation, Evan Leibovitch replied: "They'd send you a salesman." = = = = = = = During the 1988 presidential campaign, a local newspaper ran the following headline after one of the Bush/Dukakis debates: BUSH, DUKAKIS BUTT HEADS = = = = = = = (VANCOUVER) The cleanup continues following an early morning explosion on Vancouver's west side. Two restaurants, ``DYNAMITE PIZZA'' and the Orchid Garden Singapore-Thai restaurant, were levelled. Several other businesses suffered heavy damage. Fire officials believe the explosion was caused by a restaurant worker who was using gas to clean an oven. He's in criticial condition with second and third degree burns to his entire body. The blast knocked out windows more than one-hundred feet away and there are huge plates of glass all over the street and shards litter the sidewalks. Two banks have had their windows blown out, so police have sealed the area to prevent looting. = = = = = = = My two-year old son was watching me write a letter home one day, when he said "Daddy, my butt sneezed" = = = = = = = Subject: Video Tape Presentation Rescheduled ------- Sorry for the short notice, but I have just discovered that the Kennedy Conference Room is needed for another meeting at 11:00. Therefore, I've rescheduled the showing of THE PETER PRINCIPLE: WHY THINGS ALWAYS GO WRONG to 3:00 today. Hope to see you there, = = = = = = = I saw this on the side of a local transport courier van: "Virgin Couriers -- We Don't Mess Around." = = = = = = = I do not want to receive a daily paper at home, but that doesn't stop the sales people from coming to my door. A few months ago, one such person made the mistake to ring my doorbell. I really don't like to be rude, so I told him I was illiterate, so a getting a daily paper would be a waste. His only comment was "I'm really sorry!", then he turned and walked away... haven't had a newspaper peddler come by since! = = = = = = = Jon Bentley started a presentation on prototyping, little languages, etc. He was going to use awk as a vehicle in this presentation, so he started off by saying "In case you don't already know awk, do not fear: it's a lot like C. Consider, for example, this trivial awk program". He put a slide into the overhead projector containing a simple awk program. Suddenly, the flow of the presentation choked. He looked hard at the screen, obviously stumped by his own tiny awk program. Finally, inspiration shone upon his face. Urgently, he tore his tie off and flung it across the floor. "It's really true, you _can't_ program with a tie on!". One day, a marketing guy came in to sit in a technical meeting. As he marched into the room, the chairman of the meeting walked up close to him and carefully undid his tie, saying "This is an engineering meeting. You need the blood to flow to your head". About a year ago, a study published in _Academic_Computing_ entitled "Student Writing: Can the Machine Main the Message" suggested that college freshmen using Macintoshes wrote poorer essays than students using DOS-based computers. The researcher ran the compositions through the Unix Writer's Workbench and tallied the scores. She also graded them by hand. Apart from inferior writing quality, she also found that students using PCs, generally speaking, created more coherent work on more serious issues (like crime, the death penalty and abortion) as compared with Macintosh users, who wrote about fast food and graffiti. Notice that this was a while ago, before Windoze. What do you think freshman students who used TeX wrote about? = = = = = = = The story about paper in the telephone company reminded me of a true story told to me by a truck driver. In the danish roadsides, there are these plasctic "mile-stones" at a distance at 100 meter. They are called priests, because they show the way, but they don't follow it. There was a problem at one long slightly curved piece of road. The big trucks often were careless - they got too far out in the curve and smashed a few of these priests. The authorities got tired, replacing these and designed a new model. This new fancy model was placed on a spring, so that it could bend. But it didn't work. The truck drivers found it amusing to hit all the new priests on the road, so in short time they were all damaged. It was then decided to replace the new model with the old one. This didn't work, of course. The trucks didn't notice the change and the first truck to pass, smashed all the priests. Now this piece of road is guided by good old-fashioned stones. = = = = = = = Famous author (and former newspaperman) Robertson Davies recently gave a reading from his most latest novel to a packed library theatre in Calgary. After the reading, he took questions from the audience. One young man asked, "Professor Davies, how can a practicing journalist find time to write fiction?" "Oh dear," Davies replied, "that question shows a great deal of innocence about journalism." = = = = = = = The following story was told at the Cray User's Group meeting in Santa Fe. The author is a professional "double-speak" artist. (a stand-up comic who's act consists of giving "talks" at conferences which contain nonsense sentences, slurred words, jokes, etc. All delivered with the *greatest* sense of urgency and importance.) His stage name is "Dr. Robert Payne", apologies to "Dr. Payne" as I cannot recall his real name. Dr. Payne swears that this is a true story. Late one evening in Atlanta, it seems that Dr Payne and another car are approaching a signal light which is in the midst of changing from the yellow caution light to red (go *very* fast...). Seeing that the driver of the van decided to continue on through the intersection, our hero decides likewise. But alas, one of Atlanta's finest is awaiting nearby and stops both autos. As Dr Payne is getting out of his car, he sees that the other driver has already gotten out and is "speaking" with the officer. The word "speaking" is used loosely since it becomes quite apparent that the other driver can only speak by signing. And he is obviously agitated by the manner in which his hands, and fingers are flying. After a few moments of this, the officer starts becoming obviously bewildered as the other driver is increasing the tempo in which his hands and fingers are flying. At this point, Dr Payne decides to take stock of his situation. On the one hand, we have a mute who is very upset, and an officer who is starting to wonder how to handle this situation. On the other hand, Dr Payne is a professional "double-speak" artist. A person who makes his living by speaking with just enough verbs, nouns, and adjectives as to leave the unsuspecting without the slightest inkling that absolutely nothing intelligent was spoken. You fill in the blanks..... After several minutes of the mute waving hands, and Dr Payne *desparately* (:-) attempting to explain the situation, the officer finally gives up and waves them both on. (without the tickets...) But the real punchline to this story comes after the officer takes off. Up until this point, the mute has been attempting to read Dr. Payne's lips as he spoke and was becoming quite bewildered himself. Well... our hero quickly introduces himself and explains that he just couldn't let the opportunity pass. After a few chuckles, the mute writes on a slip of paper, "Too bad we didn't get the tickets, could you imagine us in court?" = = = = = = = This was told me me by a friend of mine, who swears it's true: "I told my blonde friend that my husband was finally going to build me the mantle I'd wanted ever since last Christmas. My blonde friend looked at me and replied: "That's nice. Where are you going to put it?"" = = = = = = = My eight year old nephew has been around computers since before he could walk. He was in a department store last week. He came running over to his Mom and told her he had just found a new kind of printer that had a built-in keyboard. He wanted to buy it to use with their computer. Some of you may have already seen these new printers. They are being marketed under several brand names as "typewriters". = = = = = = = Overheard by my friend, Miles Fabian, on a San Diego Bus: UC San Diego Student: "You haven't heard of David Duke!? Don't you watch TV? He's the head of the KKK who's running for senate against a black guy in Alabama." = = = = = = = My Uncle Don was driving from Chicago to Minneapolis on his way to meet the family when, as he was just passing a car on the highway, he noticed the car's bumper sticker that read: "HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS" Being a good christian he honked back. Just as he did, he noticed the driver of the other vehicle turn his head and flip him off! = = = = = = = There is a new product on sale for men in New York. The fragrance "Recession" is being sold with the advertising line: "The economy stinks -- you shouldn't have to." Bloomingdale's is selling it with a slip of paper which reads: "The scent for the man who used to have everything." Read this in the Toronto Star, 03 October 1991. = = = = = = = >From the Herrington, The Enthusiasts' Catalog, dated Fall '91, back page: "Touch Just One Button on This Dual-Deck VCR to Make Flawlwss (sic) VHS Copies -- Without Drowning in a Sea of Tangled Wires!" = = = = = = = Our student body is currently conducting class elections, and the sidewalks are chalked with campaign slogans. The best one I've seen is: FOR LACK OF A BETTER REASON VOTE FOR BOB And they say politicians aren't honest! = = = = = = = I had a similar experience at a Western Union station in Lawrence, Kansas. I was mailing home a package and wanted to know how much it was going to cost. The old woman behind the counter asked me, "What ZIP code are you mailing it to?" I replied, 0-7-4-5-0 (Northern New Jersey) She put down her pen, scowled at me, and snidely quipped, "I only need the first three numbers." = = = = = = = The following appeared in the September 17 edition of The Medical Post: In New York, more murders mean more organ donors ROME - New York's appalling murder rate of over six victims daily is providing a wellspring of "ideal" candidates for transplant organ donation. Many of these murders are drug-related, the result of turf wars, and drug dealers tend to kill each other with gunshot wounds to the head, Dr. Lewis Burrows, professor or surgery at Mount Sinai Medical Center, told an international organ transplant conference here. "If it's not a high-velocity bullet and it doesn't hit your breathing centre, then there's a good chance you'll get to the hospital", he said. "When you're declared dead, we begin to work." The victims are young, healthy, usually male, and, due to the demands of their trade, "too smart to use drugs," which would make them ineligible as donors, he said. "They're ideal." Murder victims comprised 42 of 147 organ donors last year, he said, helping to make up for a levelling in numbers of organs from traffic fatalities since the institution of stricter speed limits and seat belt regulations. = = = = = = = > I called up the local auto club this morning to ask for a map of Colorado. > The receptionist who answered the phone asked me to spell my last name, and > then my first name. > > Me: "D-A-V-I-D." > Her: "Was the first letter 'D' as in David or 'B' as in boy?" My mother was trying to reach my father at the office one day and had the Mom : "I'd like to speak with Mr. Shaevel, please." Receptionist: "I'm sorry he's not in at the moment." M : "Would you please tell him that his wife called?" R : "Could you spell the name please?" M : "W----I----F----E....." Why is it that after a conversation like that, *you've* the one who feels stupid? :-) = = = = = = = True newspaper ad: ------------------------------------- SPECIAL! 3 cents per copy Self-serving machines only ------------------------------------- I've heard of self-serving statements, but self-serving machines? I wonder what they serve themselves.... = = = = = = = Gay Court is, or used to be, a street in the megabucks San Francisco suburb of Alamo. The county board of supervisors, citing homosexual implications, social stigma and ridicule, officially changed the name of the thoroughfare to High Eagle Road. [...] Local gay activists responded with ingenuity and aplomb, announcing that Bay Area homosexuals would henceforth refer to themselves not as "gays" but as "high eagles." _Playboy_, October 1991, "Playboy After Hours", pp 19-20. = = = = = = = Tim was a 8th grade student. He got 98 in the math test. His father gave him 10 dollars in order to praise his effort. Mother: Timmy, now you got 10 dollars in your pocket. How are you going to plan to use it? Tim: (Thinks for a while) I'll buy some candy. Mother: Oh, be mature, hon. Tim: (Thinks for another moment) Well, then I'll buy some beer. = = = = = = = In a recent press interview, President Bush was asked to comment on the on-going scandals in the US congress (i.e. bouncing checks on congress' bank, and not paying their tabs at the congressional restaurants). Bush replied: "You mean the checks and balances?" = = = = = = = Actually printed as part of my computer printed rental car receipt: ***FOR GREAT BLOW JOBS (619) 279-2900*** = = = = = = = In Friday, November 15th in Penn State's _The Daily Collegian_, page 21: "Vaginal Contraception Film has been used over 10 million times by women who want protection against pregnancy as well as enjoyment." = = = = = = = Stewardess over the load speaker: "We will beginning our in-flight dinner service in a few minutes. There are two entres on the menu tonight: chicken in a red sauce, or beef in a brown gravy. Because we don't stock 100% of each entre, please have a second choice in mind." = = = = = = = One night after hours and hours of study and fruitless attempts on my part to write a paper, I ran into Brian, who asked after my state of mind. "Oh, Brian," I sighed, "I'm feeling inarticulate." Being the curious type, Brian inquired, "Oh? How's that?" He cringed and grinned simultaneously (quite a feat!) as I replied "There are simply no words to describe it..." = = = = = = = Seen a few years ago at The Fireplace, a recommendable burger, chicken, and pizza place on Route 17 in Paramus, New Jersey: ------------------ | DO NOT CARRY | | TAKE-OUT | | BOXES | | BY HANDLES | ------------------ = = = = = = = In San Jose, CA there is a supermarket which has two doors. On one door is the sign "Open 24 Hours". On the other door is a sign which reads: "After hours use other door." = = = = = = = Three things really bother me about the FAA. one) A plane crashed into a hotel. The FAA reported that the crash caught most of the guests by suprise. Which means someone was saying, "You know Martha, I wouldn't be a bit suprised if a plane crashed into this here hotel tonight...." two) In a particular case the FAA ruled that a plane crash was caused by the plane coming to close to the ground. Three) A plane crashed after the tail stabilizer fell off. Upon investigating the FAA found that forty-seven (47) of the fifty (50) screws that held the stabilizer on were missing, but they were not sure if that was the cause of the accident. = = = = = = = I found the following (apparently true) gem in Harper's Index from Harper's Magazine: According to the average American man, the length of the average man's erect penis is ten inches. According to the average American woman, the length of the average man's erect penis is four inches. = = = = = = = Sir Winston Churchill was a man of sharp tongue and ready wit. While First Lord of the Admiralty in the years leading up to World War I, he offended the Royal Navy brass with his modernization program and high-handed manner. The old salts claimed he was "failing to uphold the traditions of the Navy", whereupon Winston shot back, "and what are the traditions of the Navy? They are three: rum, sodomy, and the lash. Good Day, gentlemen." = = = = = = = From the London _Independent_, 16 November (The Week in Review): Alain Basseux, a laboratory technician, took umbrage at another driver on a roundabout in Yorkshire, pursued him for two miles, and when he stopped to call police on his car phone, yanked the door open, threatened to kill him if he drove so inconsiderately again, then kicked shut the door. He was conditionally discharged for two years on Wednesday, after his lawyer told the the court that such behaviour was customary in France and that Mr Basseux had been mortified when he discovered his victim was a director of the company that employed him. = = = = = = = This is a true story. A friend of my aunt was shopping in Green Bay recently. While driving home from a department store, the woman started feeling sick and hot and was turning purple and getting dizzy. When she started having trouble breathing, she went to the emergency room of the hospital. Nobody knew what exactly was happening, but they treated the woman for shock with antihistamines and other stuff. Eventually the doctors found some scratches in her neck, and from the symptoms they concluded that the woman had suffered from a snake bite. At first the woman didn't believe them. How could you get bitten by a poisonous snake and not know it?! But then she remembered... While trying on a winter coat at the store, the woman felt an annoying prick in her neck. It went away with readjustment, so she thought nothing of it. She decided not to buy to coat, and put it back on the rack. From the hospital the woman called the store and told them the story. Of course they thought she was crazy, but they took the coat into a back room and sliced it open anyhow. Lo and behold! There was a mother snake and three babies trapped in the lining!!!!! Yikes!! They must have crawled in and hibernated when the coat was assembled in Taiwan. The woman was quietly awarded a generous financial settlement. So folks, beware of coats made in Taiwan, and henceforth, before you try on anything new, throw it on the floor and stomp on it. = = = = = = = A little boy is taken to visit a department store Father Christmas by his parents. The little boy sits on the old man's knee and tells him what gift he'd like. A while later, in another store there is another Father Christmas. The parents again encourage the boy to sit on his knee. "What do you want for Christmas little boy?" The boy shouts, "You old liar, I knew you'd forget!". He jumped off the man's knee and kicked him in the shin. = = = = = = = I was in a local video store during a power failure. Guy behind me says "Damn. I wish the tv would come on so we could get some news and find out how long this blackout's gonna last!" "Hey, what's so funny?" was the next thing he said, as he saw the rest of us cracking up. = = = = = = = This is something of a famous event among many CS students at the University of Waterloo. One of the concepts in any CS major program is data communications, and it is important to understand how a message can get garbled. One prof was teaching this to a second-year class, and the demonstration used was to line up everyone in the class across the lecture room, side-by-side. A message was given to a student at one end, and he/she was to pass it on to the next until it reached the other end. Normally the message comes out somewhat different from the original message, proving how communications can become garbled when it goes through many stops. Whatever the message was when the [female] prof started it, some clever soul decided to produce an extreme case of garbled communications... the message that came out at the end of the line was NOT what the original had been: Prof: OK, now what message did you get? End student: You don't want to know. Prof: Come on, tell us. End student: Trust me, you don't want to know. Prof: What message did you get!?! End student: [pauses] "The prof's a dyke." Prof: [blushes profusely] The class had a good laugh about it. I'm not sure if that form of demonstration is still in use today, though... = = = = = = = I was behind a little girl at a checkout stand. She held two boxes of dog food priced at $0.99 and had two dollar bills to pay for them with. When the cashier explained that with tax it would come to $2.16, the girl hesitated, thought about it, then said "I'll just buy one." She opened the newly purchased box, took out a 20 cents off coupon and bought the second box. I was impressed. = = = = = = = My friend and his fiance had just finished watching "Silence of the Lambs" when they decided to get a bite to eat at the local Popeye's. They noticed that the new "skinless chicken" was on special. Needless to say, they passed. = = = = = = = The economic downturn has hit the real estate business on the East Coast particulary hard. A few months ago, I saw an English Racing Green Jaguar XJ6 in line at the local bank's drive-through teller. Its license plate caught my eye, even though we have quite a few vanity plates here in New Jersey. "2XPNSV" Now, that's cute and all, but what made it truly amusing was that a few months later I saw the same plate on the back of a decrepit Ford Granada... = = = = = = = In Orland Park, Illinois, a mother has filed a $225,000 suit against a local high school for unreasonable search of her 16-year-old son. After noticing a suspiciously large bulge in the crotch of the boy's pants, school officials thought he might have stashed drugs there. But a strip search revealed nothing but teenage boy. Trying to explain the mistake to the mother, a sensitive teacher said, "I don't know how to put this to you delicately, but have you ever heard of [porn star] John Holmes ?" = = = = = = = While flipping channels this morning, I ran across Oral "Send Me 9 Million Dollars or God will Call Me Home" Roberts hawking his latest book: "How To Get Out of Debt ... Supernaturally" = = = = = = = My grandfather was named "Thure Niels Alexander Lind", but since most people could not pronounce "Thure" or "Niels" and he didn't care much for "Alexander", they simply called him "Bud". As an active member of the local high schools band booster club, one of the things he did for them was to occasionally drive the band bus to different outings. The common practice at that time with regard to the bus driver was that they would post a sign at the front of the bus that read "Your driver is: .". He always got a kick out of watching the reactions of new band members when they read the sign at the front of the bus stating "Your driver is: B.LIND". = = = = = = = A sign behind the counter at the San Jose Tower Records store: Needles are not returnable and should not be shared = = = = = = = Seen in Boston Globe, 9/11/91 FUSSBUDGET WANTED Person wanted to search & examine titles. Must be meticulous, fastidious, exact, precise, orderly, accurate, organized, conscientious, constant, unerring, curious, disciplined, punctual, scrupulous, punctilious, particular, querulous, and finical. I wonder what sort of person they are looking for... = = = = = = = There I was, stuck behind a queue of cars forced to wait until a sanitation truck finish with it's pick-up. I look over to my right, and there was this late model Mercedes that was squeezed between two other cars, with no more than 6 inches of space between the other two cars (can you see it coming...). So, the Merc decides to use the bump-n-bump method of getting out. On the third round of the bump-n-bump, on the way forward (you sure you still don't see it coming?) he hits the car in front with a little extra ommpphhhh, and....... SETS OFF HIS AIR-BAG. I nearly fell off my bike laughing........ What a way to start a Tuesday. = = = = = = = This letter to the editor appeared in the Wall Street Journal on September 17(?), 1991: Procrastinator Strikes While the Iron Is Warm I must register immediately my outrage at your May 13 page-one article "Procrastinators Club Is Definitely Not Ahead of Its Time." The story serves only to perpetuate the worst stereotypes about procrastinators. Also, the term "procrastinator" is offensive; the correct term is "temporally challenged." = = = = = = = A tag from a Duracraft electric fan brags that it is "Manually Reversible". So you can reverse the flow of air by flipping a switch? No. "Manually reversible" means you can pick the fan up and turn it around. Read in the October, 1991 issue of _Consumer_Reports_ magazine. = = = = = = = Have you ever told a joke only to have someone come up with a better punch line than the one you were going to say? My daughter, who is 6 years old, is just beginning to really understand humor and came up with a true "Feminist of the Future" response to a recent joke. Here's what happened: I was telling my 14 year-old son a series of "Dumb Blonde" jokes (his girlfriend is *VERY* blonde..), with my daughter listening intently nearby. After a couple of jokes she obviously understood that the punch line was designed to reinforce the idea that certain members of the population can be very dim-witted. I came to one joke that she decided to get in on. I asked my son, "What do you call a blonde with half a brain?" Before I could give him the answer (the punch line is "gifted") she chimed in with: "A BOY!!!" = = = = = = = From the Irish Times, Monday 11th November, 1991... CANBERRA - Tax authorities have told a South Australian brothel it must provide training for employees or face taxation penalties. The requirement, revealed by the opposition, relates to a scheme which provides that employers with an annual payroll of more than about #96,000 must spend a minimum of one per cent of that on training. "Naturally, all of us are wondering what sort of training programmes the Australian Taxation Office has in mind" the opposition trade spokeman, Mr Alexander Downder, said. - (Reuter) = = = = = = = When my father moved to a city several hundred miles away, last year, he gave away his dog, a beautiful Doberman Pincer, to my sister. My sister's family had always loved this dog, and presented him with a sweatshirt that sported a picture of a "doby" on the front. Last Summer, my father sighted a dog catcher talking to people up and down his street. Dad went out to talk to him and ask what was going on. The dog catcher replied that there had been some complaints in the area of a doberman raiding and tipping over garbage cans. Dad remarked that that was interesting since he hadn't seen a doberman running around in this neighborhood, and didn't even know of anyone that might have one. After a minute, the dog catcher left and continued on down the street. Dad walked back inside and related the incident to mom, she asked if the dog catcher believed him. "Why shouldn't he?" replied dad. She said, "You are wearing your "doberman" shirt! = = = = = = = My cousin Steve and his wife were moving into a new apartment. However, at the last minute, Steve was called away on business. My brothers and I volunteered to help his wife move the furniture and boxes over. The new apartment was on the third floor, no elevator, we had to haul everything up the stairs. Then we got to the couch. Big heavy thing, but we dutifully hauled it up the three flights of stairs, opened the apartment door and tried to get it in. No way, we turned it, we tipped it, we stood it on end, we could get it into the kitchen, but couldn't get around the tight corner and through the narrow doorway to the livingroom. It was just three inches too wide no matter which way we turned it. After some discussion about leaving it there in the kitchen (it took up all but about 6 inches of the floor space,) we hauled it back out into the hall. Then we looked out the balcony, the ends of the entrance hall were done in a wrought iron grill that overlooked the parking lot. We hauled the couch back down the stairs, rested while we caught our breath for a minute and then started to pass it up the outside of the building. A couple of us ran up the stairs to the second floor landing and stuck our hands through the iron grill and held the couch. Then the remaining people ran up to the third floor landing and took the couch (with hands through the grill,) to hold it. Finally, the second floor crew ran into the apartment and leaned out over top of the 6 foot high iron grill on the apartment's balcony and pulled the couch over the wall, onto the balcony, where we moved it into the living room through the sliding glass doors. We'd have celebrated but we were too exhausted to do anything but sit on the couch and rest. We agreed that if Steve ever decided to move again, he was going to be there for it. As luck would have it. Steve did move several months later. We eagerly anticipated Steve's phone call for help, "How did you guys get the couch in there?" he would demand. The call never came. The next day, Steve didn't even comment about it. We gave him several more days before curiosity overwhelmed us and we had to ask. "Steve, did you have any trouble moving?" "No." "What about the couch?" "No trouble, why?" We described the process by which we had hauled the couch up three stories on the outside of the building to get it in to his apartment. "So how did you get it out of the living room?" we asked. "It went right out the front door. All you have to do is unscrew the legs!" = = = = = = = I was checking the ride board at our Student Union the other day, and noticed an interesting slip hanging on the peg for California. Evidently, the student needs a ride to California, but phrased it a little differently than most: "I want to be ridden to California." That's quite a piggy-back ride from West Lafayette, Indiana!! = = = = = = = On tonight's BCTV evening news, there was a story about Dr. Ruth visiting Vancouver. A quick cut to the scene at the airport, where A half dozen reporters met Dr. Ruth as she walked out of the customs area. Dr. Ruth walks up to the camera, and looking up at all the people that are _significantly_ taller than she is, asks, "Why aren't I taller?" To which came the immediate thought that she, of all people, should know that size makes no difference... = = = = = = = My brother is a third year medical student currently in his gynecological clerkship at a large Chicago metropolitan hospital. The other day a woman was admitted for an unspecified problem, and my brother was sent to examine her. He proceeded to ask her for her medical history and the nature of her problem, and since her responses were fairly vague he decided to forego the complete battery of questions and to just go ahead and do the physical examination. He inserted the speculum, and much to his surprise(!) and (I hate to say it) shock he noticed a large metallic foreign body well inside his patient. Keeping rock-solid composure, he closely examined this object and determined that what he was looking at was the negative end of a 'D' cell battery! In a most professional manner worthy of Hippocrates himself, he and his team removed the battery and then sent the woman home. Well, suffice to say that nothing remains confidential at this hospital (particularly this type of happening), and even though my brother took great pains to keep it quiet, word got out and spread in the usual manner. Later that day a member of another student group approached my brother and asked laughingly, "Well, how'd it go with Ms. Eveready?!" My brother, who never misses such a great opportunity replied; "Well," he said, breaking into an evil semi-serious grin, "she was dis-charged." = = = = = = = Saw this sign outside an auto body shop on the way to work: _______________________________ | | | $ 4 9 9 C O M P L E T | | | | | | P A I N T J O B | | | |_____________________________| | | | | | | | | | | = = = = = = = I love my wife very much, but she has one or two qualities which I could do without. The worst of which is that she is _very_ nosy, especially about objects ("What's in the box?"). We were driving back to Boston from New York City and decided to stop for some dinner. We ended up at a 'family-style' restaurant, which was pretty busy. I got bored and got some crayons from the "For Kids" bin, and began drawing on one of the drink coasters. I finished, and put the coaster facedown on the table. Within seconds, my wife had picked it up to see that I had written: "Elizabeth; don't be so nosy." = = = = = = = Recently I attended a rock concert, where a group called Soundgarden did the opening. During the course of the night the lead singer made many punnish coments, but one particulary funny line of his went like this... "Recently we [Soundgarden] put out a new album. My advice to you is to go out and buy it for you parents, for Christmas.... F!@# ties, and cookware... give something you KNOW they'll hate!!" = = = = = = = Seen on the bumper of a car displaying a Rice University window sticker. if youlove('C'); honk(); = = = = = = = Bumper sticker seen on the back of a plumber's truck in Los Angeles... "Your shit is my bread and butter" = = = = = = = When I was in the Air Force, I worked for a time for an engineer, Captain W-, who was in charge of installation and maintenance of computer systems in our unit. On one occasion, we had to take the Wang mainframe off line. When we reconnected it, the Captain made this announcement over the intercom: "This is Captain W-. Your Wangs should now be up. If you have any trouble getting your Wang up, call me immediately." = = = = = = = Quote from a recent press release by a major Israeli Sun reseller [no names, no pack-drill]. Software Access --------------- The Bulletin Board is a suppository of SunOS patches as well as software gathered from around the world. = = = = = = = While watching TV coverage of a Rodeo, one of the announcers happened to mention that some bull riders, in an effort to make their bulls more 'animated', poke them in the rump with a cattle prod. Thinking that this was cruel to the bull, she stated: "I guess some people will do anything for a buck." = = = = = = = This woman's grandmother dies of natural causes right before christmas and while the arrangements are being made at the funeral home, the funeral director suggests that the grandmother's favorite christmas carol be played during the viewing. The woman/grandaughter breaks into laughter. Husband: Why are you laughing? That's not funny - it's a beautiful suggestion. Woman: It is a beautiful idea, but that's not why I'm laughing. Her favorite carol was: "Grandma got run over by a raindeer..." = = = = = = = Well apparently some individuals in the kiddie set have gotten a hold of my voice number and are calling me late at night to ask me about a bbs. The bbs they are asking about is the name I used a while back but was never operated under my voice number. Go figure. Anyway, I am amazed at the kinds of questions one can be awakened with at night... (Phone rings...) Me: Hello?? (sleepily) Voice: Is this the Far West BBS? Me: Do I sound like a modem? I know I sound strange when awakened from a deep sleep but I didn't know I sounded that bad.. Voice: But the list says there is a bbs at this phone number! Where is it? Me: There never has and never will be a bbs at this number. This is my voice line. Try 337-3289. That is the number to my UNIX system. Voice: I tried that number but all I got was a high-pitched squeal. It sounded like feedback or something. Me: That's the modem answering the phone. You need to try and get your modem to respond to it. Voice: Modem?? What's that? Someone told me there was a bbs at this number. Me: How old are you? Voice: 10 years old.. Me: Do your parents know that you're using the phone at 11:30 on a school night? (SILENCE) Voice after a pause: Is there another number I can call to get to the BBS? Me: I'm sure you have school tomorrow and you should be in bed. Good night. (HANG UP -- Phone off-hook) = = = = = = = I guess that this indicates a true sportsman. A few days ago, my 9 year old son won a gold medal in a cross country ski race. After the awards, he didn't seem to be very happy. I asked him, "What's the matter Jean-Philippe, aren't you happy with our medal?" "No," he said, "I already have a gold and silver one. I wanted to win a bronze this time." = = = = = = = This is NOT a joke. I repeat, this is NOT a joke. This appeared on a poster hanging in the Wakefield, MA Public Library (my hometown). The poster was advertising "Tupperware Home Parties," and they listed some of their more attractive points: WE COOK, FREEZE, STORE, AND KEEP THE KIDS ENTERTAINED WITH OUR EDUCATIONAL TOYS Now, wouldn't you think that cooking, freezing, and storing kids would be ENOUGH entertainment? = = = = = = = Heard this one in a commercial for Thieves Market ( a "low price" shoe and boot seller here in SoCal) where they were claiming to have a "real" sale, not like those others: "Hey, it's our final going-out-of-business sale! You better hurry, because we can't keep going out of business like this forever!" = = = = = = = The following headline and subheadline appeared on a genuine news article in the New York Times on Sunday, January 19, 1991 (at least in the edition I received): CLOSED BEACH TIED TO MAN ON BARGE ---------- Authorities Say Crew Member Takes Pain-Killer for Back ---------- [The article was about a barge worker who was taking pain-killing medicine and tossed his used syringes into the water; they washed up on the beach and authorities closed it.] = = = = = = = McDonald's has a particularly informative advertisement on the radio now: "Hamburger, 59 cents; cheesburger, 69 cents ... prices may vary" = = = = = = = During the superbowl, GM ran a commercial touting the new quality of their cars. They listed several makes (cadillac, pontiac, etc.) and said something to the effect of "this year we have 19 new high-quality cars." One friend at the party commented "and hundereds of thousands that are still built like shit." Another friend commented "and Japan just bought 2 of the 19." = = = = = = = > I saw an ad in the Bargain Post this weekend and thought I would share it with > everybody. > > "286 12 mega hurts mother board with 1 mega ram." $120. Sand Springs. > > I wonder if they are selling due to a pain in the family. = = = = = = = We got a book of coupons in the mail. One coupon reads like this: Special $3.99 all you can eat lunch. God only with coupon. = = = = = = = I swear, I found this in the phone book (Bloomington, Indiana). Actually, a friend pointed it out. JABLOMEY Haywood 320 N College Av - - - - - - - - - 335-9016 Someone should tell him that a name-change is definitely in order. :) = = = = = = = Seeing Eric Vaandering's posting about a biology joke on a bathroom wall reminded me of this exchange on a bathroom wall at Harvey Mudd College: 2 E = mc Correct, Albert, but next time show your work. -10 = = = = = = = I was sitting in a graduate level computer science class during a particularly incomprehensible lecture. The instructor was speaking far above the level of the class and no one would ask a question and risk being considered ignorent. Finally somebody in the front row raised his hand. "Excuse me," he asked the instructor, "Are you talking to US?" = = = = = = = My grandfather, who spent his whole life in Maine, riding his horse and not even doing much driving, decided late in his life, to visit his sister in California. He had never flown before. When he got to the plane he found that it was full of ministers on a charter flight to LALA land. He took his seat next to a minister, and the conversation went like this: Minister: Good morning. Grandfather: Hello. M: This is the first time I've flown. I'm a little nervous. Are you? G: Nope. M: Did you buy any flight insurance? G: Flight insurance? What for? M: Well, what if (God forbid) the plane should crash? G: What do I care? I don't own it. = = = = = = = Robert Lynch is running for congress is our district. This Saturday when I was out driving I noticed large signs on every power pole: LYNCH CONGRESS I thought to myself "what a good idea!". = = = = = = = A horseback riding trip had been orgainzed and everyone was going through the orientation, i.e. "anyone ever ridden (seen?) a horse before?", etc. Everyone's told: "It's simple. The horses are all neck rein trained. Hold the reins in one hand. To turn left, move the reins left. To turn right, move the reins right. If you pull back on the reins, the horse will slow down, then back up. To make the horse go, kick gently." At this point, Mark (his real name!) sez: "Oh, I get it, it's a point and kick user interface." = = = = = = = A shopping complex in California has taken to playing classical music in the mall and in the parking lot. Apparently this is very useful at keeping ``rowdy'' teenagers away. = = = = = = = Seen on a whiteboard here at Intel: Back up my hard drive? You mean these things can actually run in reverse? = = = = = = = One sign atop another on the driveway of St. Eddie's, a catholic boys' school in Canberra, Australia, which together read: ________ | HUMP | -------- ________ | SLOW | | SCHOOL | |CHILDREN| -------- = = = = = = = This bank robber goes into a bank in Waco, and to get things started, he distracts the clerk by handing him a twenty-dollar bill and asking for change. As the clerk starts to do that, the robber pulls a gun and tells the clerk to put all the money from the cash register into a bag. The clerk tells the guy, "Ok, be cool, no problem," and does as the robber demands. Then the robber flees in a car, where he later opens the bag to find... fifteen dollars in cash. And yes, you guessed it, he left the $20 bill behind. = = = = = = = This month's "Sassy" (a magazine for young teenaged women) has several article titles on the cover, including Why _Luke Perry_'s Name Makes You Want To Buy This This early exposure to recursion will no doubt lead many young ladies to a life in computer science. Or so I hope. = = = = = = = This story is true. A store at the Stanford Shopping Center was having a 30% off sale. In front of me in line is this middle-aged woman who looks vaguely troubled as the clerk is totalling up her purchases. Finally, she asks the clerk, "Is it 30% off *each* *item*? Or only 30% off at the very end?" The clerk tells her that first they total up the purchases normally, and then they subtract the 30%. The woman seems even more troubled at this point, and then observes (to no one in particular), "You don't save very much that way...." = = = = = = = In the men's bathroom in Oxford Books, Peachtree Battle Shopping Center, Atlanta, Georgia, written on the paper towel thingey, are the following words: ANCIENT FOREST DISPENSER = = = = = = = From the Los Angeles Times (whenever Paul Simon's "Rhythm of the Saints" album came out): RICHMOND, Va. -- Comedians Chevy Chase and Steve Martin took turns holding down a giant Casper the Friendly Ghost balloon as the pair helped singer Paul Simon make a new music video. [paragraph describing the video deleted] Martin signed just one autograph, for Carrie Cheeley, an 8-year-old baton twirler. "This certifies that you have had a personal encounter with me and that you found me warm, polite, intelligent and funny," Martin wrote. = = = = = = = I think the best computer generated error message of all time is ( directly from the system log): IEC020I NON-ACCEPTABLE ERROR geesh! what about all the acceptable error the computer never told me about! In a related vein, one day I was greeted by the following logon message: *** TSO IS BACK TO NORMAL OPERATING PROCEDURES.......... WE ARE EXPERIENCEING HARDWARE PROBLEMS CAUSING DEGRADATION OF TSO.... hmmmm....true confessions???? = = = = = = = Sometimes the location of a sign is says as much as the sign itself. Take these for example: ----------------------------------- | Cruise Ships - Use airport exit | ----------------------------------- - highway in San Diego, California All of the cruise ships I saw on the highway got off there. Or another good example: ------------------------------------------------- | Now entering the town of York. | | All Building codes will be strictly enforced. | ------------------------------------------------- It's next to a large field. There's not a building within a mile. Maybe the building codes were TOO strictly enforced? Or yet a third. ------------------------------------ | Big Flats - Planned and Growing. | ------------------------------------ It's next to their cemetary. Is this where Steven King gets his ideas? So keep your eyes open. You'll find sign locations most important at times. = = = = = = = From a letter to a dead person from the Greenville County (S.C.) Department of Social Services.. "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992, because we have received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." = = = = = = = "Is this going to take long? I've got someplace to go tonight." An 8-year old Chicago boy being questioned by detectives after he shot a girl classmate in the spine with a semiautomatic handgun. = = = = = = = >From the San Francisco Chronicle, March 24, 1992 (without permission): "Unemployment Checks to be Delayed 3-4 Days" Unemployment checks will be delayed three to four days starting tomorrow as Bay Area offices of the Employment Development Department [California's unemployment office] switch over to a faster automated system. I can't wait for them to come up with new ways to process my tax refund... = = = = = = = This morning's E-mail contained several messages about the implications of Satan, a network probing tool due to be released on the Internet. The one from Sun Microsystems makes me worry, though. Mailbox is '/usr/spool/mail/dos' with 45 messages [ELM 2.4 PL22] # Date Sender Lines Subject 4 Apr 4 Mark Graff (666) Sun Security Bulletin #130 Couldn't make it 667 lines, could they? = = = = = = = You could guess how an editor's mind works, if you caught the news bulletin that went out on British TV a little while ago... "This device contains a computer which has sixteen pieces..." = = = = = = = My wife told me of her experience in the grocery store while shopping with our twin 10 month old daughters: Patron: "Are they twins?" Wife: "Yes." Patron: "Are they *both* yours?" = = = = = = = The health insurance company that I'm working with has a closet near the lunchroom to store bottled water. Mounted on the wall of this closet is a sledgehammer, a crowbar, and an axe. This does not bother me. What worries me is that someone felt they needed to post a sign indicating that they are "For Emergency Use Only." = = = = = = = Raymond Cuthbert walked into Nolan's Pharmacy in Vernon, BC, on Thursday evening and boasted that he was returning in half an hour to rob them. True enough, about 30 minutes later, he returned with Robert Phimister carrying a concealed hunting knife... into the waiting hands of the Mounties! whom the drug store employees had called after his boast. Mountie Hugh Menzies said, "I don't know why he did it; he's well known to the local police." = = = = = = = Went to my local BookStop yesterday to see if Skeptical Inquirer was out yet. Next to it were all kinds of weenie New Age/Alternative Religion magazines, one of which apparently had an article on romance and palmistry (for Valentine's Day, no doubt). The headline on the front of the mag was: "Find Love in Your Palm." I didn't look to see if the author was Joycelyn Elders. = = = = = = = Help-wanted classified ad seen in the York, PA Daily Record: "Attention: Good hours, excellent pay, fun place to work, paid training, mean boss. Oh well, four out of five isn't bad." = = = = = = = On Route 30, just after the intersection with route 32, in St. Thomas, US Virgin Islands, appears the following sign on the road-side: |-------------| | ANIMAL | | SHELTER | | | | Flea Market | | Saturday | | | |-------------| | | | | | | | | = = = = = = = Well, why not... Visible from highway 5 in Central California is a Carl's Jr. with this sign: ___________________ | DRIVE THROUGH | |-----------------| | PLAYGROUND | ------------------- = = = = = = = On I-84 along the Columbia in Oregon at least one off-ramp is signed: --------------------------- | BORING | | OREGON CITY | --------------------------- = = = = = = = ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ