------------------------------------------------------------------------- The canonical list of tasteless and absurd sex acts: =================================================== AH-CHOO SCREW - Assume missionary position. Insert cock in girls cunt. Insert nose in girls mouth. Fuck rapidly, then blow all three nostrils at a time. Tell her that you love her. Works also in a 69, but some girls may require that you wear a condom over your nose, as they don't like the feel of snot in their slobberhole (a shame really, as it's a very good non-toxic lubricant). Slogans to use when talking her into it: 'Imagine two crooked spurting objects in your body simultaneusly', 'Twice the pleasure'. Things to say to show that you are in the know, a man of the world 'HiYa baby, do you spit or swallow'. ANAL SEX - Nothing tasteless about that, unless she's got diarrhea at the time, and blows it out on every stroke. AUSTRALIAN BUTT CHUG, MOON RIVER - Speaking of gross things done with a beer and someone's ass. Once I was with a really sleezy bar with a friend and his girlfriend. My friend stood on the table pulled down his pants and told me to pour my beer down his crack. So I did and his girlfriend got between his legs and guzzled the beer as it ran off the end of his testicles. They called it the Australian Butt Chug. BAGPIPE - penis in armpit sex. No documented cases. Official name unknown. BANANA RAMMING - No I'm not a lady, but I did see .quite. a drunken girl insert a stiff banana into her in front of most of a party in high school, it was quite entertaining. From then on she was silently reffered to as "BananaRammer", she had a hard time facing anyone after that ... BEETLEJUICING, MEATPUPPET, LINDA BLAIR EFFECT, ROTO-SCHLORPHING - What would you call the act of impaling the severed head back on your ManTool[tm], then spinning it (the head) around? BROOMSTICK DEATH - Basically, a homosexual man wanted to fuck himself up the ass with a broomstick, so he greased up the stick, wedged it against his bathtub, and proceeded to buttfuck himself by doing pullups on the shower curtain railing that ran around the bathtub. All of a sudden, the shower rail breaks, and he accelerates at 9.8m/s^2 downwards, impaling himself on the broomstick. I think it ruptured his lungs and pierced his heart before he finally expired. BUM-SUCKERING - Getting sucked off by winos for quarters, only to welsh on the payment, especially if they've offered to let you piss in their mouths at no extra charge. BUTT HARP - The instrument of pleasure is a round ball (possibly the size of a golf ball, depends on the hole in question) and a string that is attached to the ball. The object of the game is to insert the ball into another's asshole and then use a bow (from a violin or a celo) and play the string. The vibrations caused are quite pleasurable, or so I hear... I also heard of a metal ball that has a hole for a wire in it, that you connect to some electric source, and the other end of the source to the person involved., for electro stimulation of the anatomy in question. I bet this could be combined with the bow to get some interesting effects. The electric butt harp. Too bad Jimi Hendrix is not here to play it. (so I hear....) Richard suggests a hi-fi improvement: Why need two? The girl could play in stereo by herself. CANCEROUS TIT-FUCKING - > They will often infest severe necrotic infections. I recall a story > here about a woman who was saved by maggots. Seems she had breast > cancer, but it was never detected. She must have been a bit whacko, > because it had spread through the intervening tissues and skin to > form a rancid, rotting sore on her breast. Fortunately, she was > no more hygenic than observant, and a fly, attracted by the stench, > had laid eggs on her boob. And the maggots ate the cancer. Oh yes! Just smear some of that oozing pus between her breasts and start pumping away. How convenient, pre-lubed tit fucks! And as the rotting hole gets deeper and deeper eventually you can just slip the ol' meat piston in and out of there. It would be nice and tight at first, although it would surely loosen as the flesh tears. CATCH HUDSON RIVER TROUT - someone shits on your chest. You possibly have a layer or two of newspaper shielding you from the trout. CHILI DOG SEX - The setting is a small apartment. A small man with sunken eyes is sitting on his bed. He is naked. In his right hand he holds a steaming chili dog. He brings the chili dog under his nose and sniffs at it's tantalizing aroma. He licks at the pink end with the tip of his tongue. He then brings the hot dog down to his right inner thigh. He then begins caressing slowly up to his rock hard genitals, leaving a brown rivulet to follow. He then prods his penis against dog. He begins pressing against the hot dog in a regular rhythm that causes his breathing to increase in tempo. He bites down on his lower lip. A rivulet of blood trickles down and begins collecting in the cleft of his chin. He discharges his seed onto the hot dog. He then hold the hot dog in front of him. His white sperm is trickling down the sides. He catches his breath and begins conversing with his mystery meat lover. COLOSTOMY FUCK, COLOSTODOMY, GETTING A BIT ON THE SIDE - You thought the hamster up the ass was a way out gross story, listen to this one, this women was admitted to hospital with Colonitis (Cancer of the colon I think). She had a Colostomy and was well on the way back to a normal life (besides carrying a bag of shit with her everywhere she went) but she ended up back in hospital after six months complaining that she was suffering from severe pain at her colostomy bag entrance. Thinking that an infection had started the doctors checked it out only to find that the exit hole had been clogged with sperm - apparently her husband had been banging her colostomy hole - nice one! COW CUNNILINGUS - Well, you ever seen cows shit? That slack, gaping cloacum just yawning open, the pungent brown sludge lazily oozing out? Well, you know that cows don't have vaginas, just the one multi-purpose orfice. Imagine going out in a field naked to eat out a cow, one with lots of flies buzzing around the ass, other cows gathered around curiously adding to the aroma. The hole is so big you can almost put your whole head in there, and you're just busily licking away, occasionally pulling out a bemired head to breathe, jacking off with one hand, when the cow just casually dumps a reeeally messy, sticky hot load right into your face. The semi-liquid sewage forces its way in your mouth, up your nostrils, down your throat, and the anus contracts, sucking your head inside, and you're trapped, asphyxiating, coming in spurts as you die, and your naked, cum-soaked corpse is dragged around the pasture by the head in the cow's rectum until your parents come out in a few days, scaring off the vultures and crows, and find it. Geoff comments: Can you imagine what it'd sound like if you sneaked up behind somebody with his head up a cow's arse and kicked him in the balls? I'd advise having a tape recorder handy, because I'm sure the resulting muffled yelp would have a unique timbre to it. Steven Snedker comments: Well, for a nice start I would cut off its udder and let the milk a blood splatter all over my erected nob (jerking off wildly of course), then lick the crusty inside of the udder and put it on as a bathing cap, and ram my head up the cows arse. AAAAhhh... CUNNILINGUS DURING MENSTRUATION - self explanatory, and not necessarily tasteless. However it is possible for two men to simulate this with some degree of authenticity, not to mention tastelessness: However, to simulate, my friend "man with Ginger beard" cut off his knobber and associated equipment and opened a large gash in his lower abdomen using a rusty blade. I lapped at this which he assured me was just like C during M- pus and blood intermingled. We also tried felching. That was fun too. I would award top marks for both Ah, the taste [of] cunilingus [during mensturation]! What's even better is if the girlie does a fanny fart and blows blood bubbles into your face. Possible variation - Eating out a girl who had a yeast infection. Note this description of a vaginal yeast infection from my high school health book, and I quote: "Yeast infections are characterized by a thick, white, cheesy discharge...." Yummmm. Perfect to put on my bagel in the morning, I'd say. DWARF HEADING - Excerpted without permission from S.F. Weekly, Jan 22, 1992 In the "Slapshots" column by Jack Boulware: The Dwarves Are Back! After the three-part L.A. Law episode and the controversy over Australian dwarf-tossing, the image of the dwarf seems to have faded in the eye of the public in the recent months. Not so in New York's S&M clubs, apparently. Dwarves are back -- literally. The latest twisted craze, accordding to witnesses, involves a normal-sized man, a dwarf and an eager audience. The normal-sized man is stripped naked and fed muscle-relaxants until his body is, shall we say, pliable. The dwarf then enters the wings, and his head is lubricated. Are we following so far? Without being too graphic, let's just say the phrase "giving head" begins to take on a whole new meaning. Fisting, gerbilling and now dwarf-heading? The big questions here are, how do they breathe? Are they union? DUCK JOBS - Don't confuse this with the *Classic* New Orleans "Duck-job", popularized in the Bordellos of that town at the turn of the last century. The "Duck-job" was performed by the *john* impaling the duck in the egg canal, holding it firmly by the wings, and then having an assistant cut off the ducks head. Tales of one person duck-jobs exist, but apparently it required considerable dexterity to avoid cutting oneself. Anyway the resultant death-throws, accompanied by much flapping and kicking, was reputed to be a favorite kink amongst those who had become jaded by the standard fare of hookers. I have it on good authority (for a member of one of the federal security agencies) that you can do this alone by slamming the head in a drawer at the right moment (reputedly "you get more action that way.") EARTHWORMING - Looking for a new solitary sexual sensation but can't afford an Accu-Jac(tm)? Collect a handful of earthworms (or visit your local bait shop and purchase a pound of nightcrawlers). Place said nematodes into a plastic sandwich bag. Add a quarter-cup of salad oil and knead lightly to distribute it evenly. Plunge right in! And when you're done, add the contents of the bag to an omelette. Alternatively you can fuck a jar full of worms, for best result stick the worms in the microwave first so they burst and you'll have the slipperest fuck ever! EVOLUTION - To sequentially penetrate the portals in the order anal, vaginal, oral. The transferrence of various secretions from the former two orifices onto the wand serves as virtual "love potion" for the third. FECALLATIO - administration of a blow job to a turd. No verified cases of this on record. Of course not. Nobody who has ever had a turd cum in their mouth has lived. FELCH - Well, Claire, say your sweetie, during an afternoon tryst of animal lust, decides to do some back door work. Now, after he's released the fruit of his family jewels, and you're still tied firmly face down on the kitchen table with his leather neckties, Studmuffin whips out a crazy straw. He then proceeds to suck out and ingest his recent deposit from your bum. You have just been felched. And yes, you asked for it. FISHBOWL - the head is inserted in an appropriately sized fishbowl. Someone defecates onto the fishbowl so that the logs may be seen drooling off the side. FISH MASTURBATION - Has anyone out there ever tried to jack off using a big fresh trout or some other fish. Seems to me that it would be quite an experience. Might be a slight problem with the teeth of the fish though... GASTRODOMY, FIZZLE DICKING, ACID BATH FOR THE MAN WITH THE HELMET - I've lost all but the attribution on this one, so the definition is my fault. Banging a fistula leading directly into someone's stomach. GERBILING, HIDING THE HAMSTER - "Gerbiling" is taking a cardboard tube, or something, like the tube off a roll of paper towels, or toilet paper, inserting it lengthwise into your ass, and putting a gerbil in the tube to crawl in it, and make himself a nice warm home in your ass. The gerbils like it. The extremo-fags like it as well, because the gerbil twitches around and stuff. I was doing an emergency room rotation at Northwestern Memorial Hospital one night last month - not doing much, just messing around. I noticed that all the residents on duty were huddled together, talking, whispering, and laughing. When I asked them what as up, they told me. Some guy had come into the ER with a gerbil up his butt that he couldn't get out, but that wasn't the worst of it. He'd also experienced massive pain a little while after he had inserted the rodent. What had happened was, *the gerbil had chewed and clawed its way through the man's sigmoid colon and ended up inside his pelvic cavity.* Apparently, the guy didn't bind the thing with duct tape or anything...anyway, he had to get the thing surgically removed, plus deal with the fact that he may have gotten a massive infection inside his normally sterile abdominal cavity. GERBILING VARIATIONS - Rectal warts? Sounds like the result of sticking a toad up the ol' anus. Perhaps we've stumbled on a creative variation of gerbilling (toadilling?). A weta (pron. "wetter") is a very large insect, up to four or so inches long. They look like a giant grasshopper, with the addition of spikes all over and bloody great claws, and mandibles that casually munch through hardwood. They are reasonably intelligent (for insects) and know of their potential for freaking out people. The bunnyhuggers always pick up wetas to show how harmless they are - you can guarantee that the bastards have never been bitten by one. You're lucky......back in 1985 I awoke twice in three weeks - once in Wellington and once in Kaitaia - to find a weta (different one in each place, mind you) trying *vigorously* (or so it seemed at the time!) to enter my anal orifice. Gerbilling, besides the more widely publicised method, is sometimes also performed with the nasal orifices due to the mucus membranes present. Honorable Mention: The only definition that I (and the guys I work with, I took a survey) have ever heard for felching was the practice of sticking live gerbils up your ass...I suppose you could combine the two: ejaculate in another mans anus stick a gerbil up there, pull the gerbil out and lick the fur clean. Can't say that I have ever talked to anyone who practices felching in either form, maybe that explains my ignorance. HICKEYS - On my floor at the dorm this guy had a single room with a live in girlfriend/ houseguest. They were soon voted most grossest couple on the floor (in the world) One day he comes out in the hall to show us something. He pulls up his shirt to reveal a huge unbroken heart made of dark red hickeys. Just the sight of that sunken white chest is gross enough but that hickey-heart was the worst. Then she pokes her head out and grins. Her tounge had turned black from sucking. HOT DOGS UP THE JACKSEY - What is it with vaginal blood farts? Having seen, heard, smelled and tasted same, there are far more vile things in this world I can think of. Hotdogs come to mind ... Nobody cares what hotdogs are made of as long as they are considered foodstuffs. With that consideration, most people feel safe in stuffing them into one or more bodily orifices. It's a well known and not terribly disputed fact that almost half the hot dogs sold in this country are used as makeshift marital aids. This figure shoots way over 50% for "Ball Park Franks" brand. With a slogan like "they plump when you cook 'em", you can well imagine. Just keep in mind that for single men and women on a budget, hot dogs are a boon. You get that meaty partner you so miss, there is no PG&E bill generated in the heating of the food, and condiments aren't needed, since the warmed weener already has a special sauce that you won't find in Hienz' 57 varieties. For the people with one or more partners (or the very lithe), the dog can be served between piping hot buns. INTRAURETHRAL COCAINE ADMINISTRATION - [apparently I lost the attribution]: This was written up in the JAMA (vol. 259, no. 21 if anybody cares to look it up, page 3126) A brief summary of what the article says: A 34 year old man was admitted to a hospital for priapism (sustained erection, apparently quite painful and dangerous) and paraphimosis (got me...). He had been injecting cocaine intraurethrally for several weeks in order to enhance sexual performance. After three days in the hospital, the two problems disappeared, he had ecchymoses (purpling of skin due to exploded vessels) on his left foot, which quickly spread to his genitals, forelimbs, back and chest. He became febrile (feverish) and developed small bullae (blisters) on the echymoses.) The diagnosis was disseminated intravascular coagulation (sci.med???) after several tests. They gave him all sorts of good drugs. On the twelfth day, he was moved to the hospital's burn unit due to necrosis (tissue death) over the ecchymotic areas. Under anethesia, extensive debridement (surigcal excision of dead, devitalized, tissue from a wound) and a cystostomy (sci.med again??) were performed. Bilateral above-the-knee amputations were performed due to gangrene. Examination showed extensive necrosis of skin, muscles, and subcutaneous tissue (below outer layer of skin) and thrombophlebitis (inflamation of vein & clot in vessel) of his popliteal (behind knee joint) and femoral (primary artery of thigh) arteries. He underwent extensive skin grafting, amputation of *nine* pregangrenous fingers (I wonder which one they left him) and autoamputation (it fell off) of his necrotic penis. John adds an explanation of medical terms: paraphimosis - This is when the foreskin gets pulled back behind the head of the penis but then can't be retracted due to swelling. Just like a built-in tourniquet... disseminated intravascular coagulation - This means he had blood clots that spread throughout his body, clogging up his blood vessels and causing parts of his body to die. Oh, by the way, the guy died. LARD SHAGGING - While working in a fast-food restaurant, taking a cardboard container of lard, punching a dick-sized hole in the side, fucking the hole, then replacing the container on the shelf to be used in cooking. Yum! Ah yes, a good one, as some has a glans too sensitive for the juices in melons or pumpkins in which it it also customary among lonely men to drill fuck orifices. The best vagina I can think of is a big slab of raw liver. Wrap it around your cock, and keep it there with rubberbands. You can then just mast with it or put it on some vibrating machinery and fuck it. You might want to heat it a bit before you start. Ok orgasms. LEG TAG - When I was in junior high, my cousin had a male dog named Rusty who would get very horny whenever we (the cousin and I) wrestled or played rough. Being the tasteless youths we were, we invented the game of "Leg Tag". We would push each other around and make a lot of noise, until the dog would come into the room. Then, the point of the game would be to manuver the other guy into position to get his leg humped by the dog. The one who got the fruit of the dog's passion spent on his shin lost. Simple, yet highly entertaining. LOVE BACONS - This is also the case with the kinky amourous game, played by happily wimpering single men called LOVE BACONS. Simply pull the slices of bacon out of the wrapper, wrap it around your cock and get going. MAINLINE - defecation directly into another's mouth. Some may not like this: At a big drunken house party, my friend was hitting on a girl and managed to maneuver her into a bed room. He was in there for some time making his friends a bit worried. When he finally came out he had a baaaad look on his face. Asked how it went he said, "AWWW, she shit on me." No, really, how'd it go? "She SHIT on me! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! Nasty, loose, diarhea! I was eating her out and she spewed butt chunks all over my face and in my mouth!!! SHIT!!!" MASTURBATING USING THE BELT OF SOME POWER MACHINERY DURING LUNCH HOUR - See William A. Morton, _Medical_Aspects_of_Human_Sexuality_, July 1991, "Unusual Case" column. Has anyone seen this reference? Pertinent excerpts: Several days earlier, he replied, he had injured himself in the machine shop where he worked, and had closed the laceration himself with a heavy-duty stapling gun. The dark objects were one-inch staples of the type used in putting up wallboard. . . . An unmarried loner, he usually didn't leave the machine shop at lunchtime with his coworkers. Finding himself alone, he had begun the regular practice of masturbating by holding his penis against the canvas drive-belt of a large floor-based piece of machinery. One day, as he approached orgasm, he lost his concentration and leaned too close to the belt. When his scrotum became caught between the pulley- wheel and the drive-belt, he was thrown into the air and landed a few feet away. Unaware that he had lost his left testis, and perhaps too stunned to feel much pain, he stapled the wound closed and resumed work. I can only assume he abandoned this method of self gratification. MAYONAISSING - Eating the acne on your teenage boyfriends shoulders as you buttfuck him. My friend was mashing with a girl in a dark bedroom. He got her shirt off and maneuvered down to suck her tits. After sucking on her nipple for a minute he tasted some liquid in his mouth. Surpised, he flipped on the light. Turns out he wasn't sucking her nipple at all---IT WAS A BOIL!!!! MUDFUCKING - So has anyone ever fucked the earth? Really, I mean just gone outside and been so inspired by nature's beauty that you just had to have her right away? I mean think, how many people can say that they screwed a 6 trillion trillion ton woman? Personally I enjoy a good, dark loam type of soil, just dig a hole the right size and plunge right in. Mud flats must be really good, but I haven't had a chance to try them yet. Especially good is right at sunrise, when the dew is still on the grass, giving you a real slipping sliding good time. Damn, I'm horny again... Try it, you'll like it. NECKING, RETRO-FELLATIO, STOMA BLOWJOB, DEEP THROAT - I had a dream last night that my grandmother was blowing me. Nothing too unusual about that. The good part is that she has a stoma - a hole in her throat about adam's apple level. I was fucking her in the stoma and she was sucking my dick as it curved up her throat into her mouth. Nice gurgling noises, but nothing too spectacular. Obviously there are two major variations... fucking downward into their throat, or (probably much perferably) going back up into their mouth. That way they might even be able to use their tounge to help get you off and couple swallow the sperm back down onto your dick. Better yet... they could eat all sorts of solids and liquids and pass them past your dick as you fucked them. Having them giving a blow job while you do this sounds cute, but I think the sensation of feeling them swallow a large *warm* pile of fresh shit while you pound your meet in and out thrusting in the opposite direction of the shit's movement would create a very memorible opinion. I'd suggest a GIF of someone's penis urinating out of someone's shit-covered mouth would be great thing to have, but I've been told that gold showers are illegal photograph in the U.S.A. Go figure... NECK-ROPHILIA, VENTRILOJISM, THORAXING, THROGGING - Well, the old-timers in this area may recall that Santa Cruz in the early 1970's had the dubious distinction of being the "Mass Murder Capital of The World," due to a string of 3 multiple murders right around the first part of the decade. As usual, I digress......... One of the stars of this festival of carnage was a very large man who killed several young women, but toward the end he killed his mother, and in the delicate phrasing of one of the many books written on the subject of the murders, "...after decapitation, he inserted his penis repeatedly in the cavity of her throat...." In other words, he lopped his mum's head off and FUCKED HER NECK!!! It may be important to distinguish between insertion into the trachea vs esophagus. Just imagine the untold pleasure as your engorged ManTool[tm] rasps repeatedly over the vocal chords NOSTRILLATIO - Close one of your nostrils with a finger, and poke a bit around your partners slit with your nose, mumbling words of affection. Then place your open nostril over her clit and violently snort it up, and get headbanging. The girl will experience the wildest orgasms, and you might even be rewarded with a wet one in the mouth. It is said to enhance her pleasure if you have caught a cold. Works best with long clitorises. Half an inch is generally regarded as minimum in the buisness, but a fully erect one incher is fabulous. NUBBING - Unlike squicking, nubbing does not require a ManTool (tm). Rather the nubber lines up their anus with the vagina of the nubbee, and lets loose a turd, hope- fully a nice solid Lincoln Log of a turd, as one of those LiquiShits (tm) really won't serve much purpose here. It's called "nubbing" because of the small brown nub that peeks thru the lips when you are done. When the essential nubbing is done one could add to the pleasure by letting the (male) nubber turn around and insert his ManTool (TM) into the nubbee for a turn of the good old in-out. This will ensure that the log's position is further secured. Bonus points are given if nubbee is pregnant. And you wonder why there are so many shitheads born these days? When this gets to boring nubber could eat nubbee out (looks really nice if nubbee is having her period). Ahh, the possibilities are countless. NUMB-FUCK - Take a tube of Anbesol (Mouth medicine, for those painful canker sores, and tooth aches, it has a numbing effect), and get the type that comes in a small sqeezeable tube. Cut off the end of the tube as your supposed to do, now stick the tube in the end of your dick, and squeeze the tube! Fuck, blow you load, preferably in a females mouth OR vaginal area, and let HER find out what you have done. Great for both partners. PEARL NECKLACES - The Pearl Necklace -- This is when the gal is sucking off the guy, and just prior to ejaculation, the guy removes his member from his partner's maw and decorates her neck with multiple globules of jism. This is generally the result of a tit fuck, rather than a blowjob. I prefer to give a Pearl Monacle whenever possible... PIPEFITTING - If you like that, apparently there are some sex-jaded men who stretch the opening of their penises to accomodate another man's penis. I think it would be just as easy to come up with a male-male penis connector. [Hamlet is a male Great Dane dog]: O.K., doesn't leave much huh? Well, here is the theory, and practice. The shaft of Hamlet's dick is almost the same diameter as my dick. But the opening of his sheath can stretch further than that, as sometimes, before his knot is fully swollen it can pass through the opening. (though not when it is fully engorged). Therefore, in theory, my dick can pass through the opening, and I could screw his sheath. In practise, it wasn't quite that easy. Having just mounted me, his dick shrank back to it's un-aroused state, and retreated into it's sheath. How to get my dick in there after it? After a few trial and errors, Hamlet lay on his back, with me sitting on his chest. If you can imagine trying to put a condom on while you are wearing boxing gloves, I think you may come close to the trouble I had trying to pull the opening of his sheath over the end of my dick. God, it was frustrating!! However, perversion wins, as it always must in the end, and patience is rewarded. I probably can't describe the actual mechanics very well, but here goes:- grasping Hamlets sheath with one hand, I managed to bunch the tip of my foreskin with the other hand, and sort of stuff it into the opening. Then it was quite a simple matter of pulling his sheath over my dick, while allowing it to pull my foreskin back. I was IN! It surprised me so, that I just sat back for a bit and looked. Hamlet seemed quite happy, I mean there was enough room in there for my dick, and his, without forcing. Then I simply rubbed my dick through his sheath. I came quite quickly, and was pleased to see that his sheath sealed around my dick, so none seeped out, until I pulled out later. Hamlet was happy to clean up the semen that was seeping from his sheath. Some years ago I 'experimented' with screwing horses sheaths. Since horses are harder to roll over than dogs I tried bending myself over backwards underneath the geldings. It did work, and felt quite interesting with the added warmth and the feeling of soft fur under my hands as I stroked myself through the horses sheath. But I generally found that the horses that were large enough for me to bend back underneath were too large for me to effectively stroke myself inside. Also, most horses have quite a lot of fat lining their sheaths which made things feel 'vague'. After a few months of experimenting I gave up on it. Now that's odd. I've tried screwing horses' sheaths, and I really like it. The first time I did it, I had jacked this horse off, and he had squirted a little on my dick. I figured, if he can make me messy, I'll do the same to him. By the time I decided to give it a try, he had retracted, so I just sort of followed it on inside. I too enjoy the warmth and fur, but I guess I enjoy the feel of the inside of a horse's sheath quite a bit more. PUPPY LOVE - Something I've been meaning to try: Take a small art knife, and a puppy (This stunt, BTW, is called "puppy love"). Tie the puppy down to the bench. Use the knife to incise a large "X" in the flesh of it's backside. Then whip out your ManTool [tm] and root the poor screaming puppy to pieces. I can imagine the blood and screaming would be quite a turn-on... RUSHING - Several weeks ago, I tuned in to Rush Limbaugh to find him just finishing up a report about a guy who could only become sexually aroused by "passing Barbie heads". Not sure, but I think something on the order of 27 doll heads were removed from his digestive tract at the local hospital. SCREWING A LIVE PIG UP THE ASS AND THEN CUTTING ITS THROAT - Screwing a pig (live) up the arse while it is having it's throat cut and it's blood spews all over you. SCROG, AURAL SEX - sex with another's ear hole. SCRONKING - scronking: v. The act of inserting the male genitalia up the throat of trachiotomy patient, or torsoless head. Derived from "screw" and "honking", due to the similar look of a honking goose; eyes bulged, mouth wide open, with a fully erect "toungue-like" object protruding between the gaping teeth. Sound effects optional. I don't know, but for some reason, when I say this word aloud, I visualize a very old dog - hemorrhoids inflamed - *scooting* almost audibly across a dusty, glass - strewn vacant lot in the heat of a summer's day. Sounds like a good description for getting shit on while going in the back door: "So I was screwing her in the ass and she SCRONKED all over me!" isn't that when a woman pile-drives a corpse of a drowned man? In order to "skronk" you need a male victim/partner. You yourself have to be a female (this could be the female equivalent to "squicking"). What you do is tie said male up, and gently sever the scrotal sac from the body, making sure the spermatic cords are still intact. You then use the contents of said spermatic sac as the organic equivalent of Ben-Wa Balls. Of course, as the lovely lady begins to writhe with pleasure, she would almost certainly start to strain on the spermatic cords, thus causing her "little friend" even more agony. Just as the first waves of agony from the severing of the scrotum begins to die down, the agony from the tugs on the spermatic chords would begin. How about the attempt to pork someone's head through his nose? You will probably need to cut some or all of the nose away, and your prick will have to be smaller than average. How much cranium would get in the way? Gives new meaning to the term "boning". As I mentioned several months ago, this is best done with a severe cocaine addict whose nasal septum has been eaten away, thereby creating one large nostril in place of two small ones -- thus enabling the individual to accomodate an erect penis. I didn't apply a name to this activity at the time, but "scronking" makes an unusually good fit because it reflects the noise the person would probably make as the turgid Pleasure Piston (tm) plunged in and out of his nasal cavity -- sort of a hollow, donkey-like gurgling. "Fnork, fnork," something along those lines. The nose hairs might have to be trimmed back prior to insertion, unless a large amount of mucus is present. In that case, the nose hairs would tend to enhance lubricity rather than detract from it, and would add an extra cilia-like dimension to the sensations received. This effect would be maximized if the mucus in question was the thick, yellow variety that's present during severe head colds -- the kind that resembles Lepage's mucilage or perhaps Elmer's wood glue. A condom would of course be advised unless the active individual was a regular partner. Gonorrhea of the sinuses is particularly difficult to detect in its early stages, when treatment with industrial-strength antibiotics is most effective. Also, it must be noted that the recipient of said affections would be at increased risk for labial bruises resulting from repetitive scrotal impact. How about the act of drilling the appropriate sized hole into a rock and employing said hole in a sexual manner? Think of the rough particles massaging every bit of your ManTool (TM). Think of being one with the rock. Think of your blood lubricating the hole, making it more pleasurable. SCROTUM INSUFFLATION - A small slit is cut in the skin of the scrotum. A tube is inserted, and the scrotum is inflated. Said to cause unspeakable pleasure. Bonus points because this can be life threatening due to air embolisms and nasty infections. Real name unknown. SIXTY-NINING A STARVED PIG - I'd suggest you got into a 69 with a starved pig, then you can bite it in its balls while it consumes your nob. SKULL FUCK, BRAIN SALAD SURGERY - sex with a hole in someone's skull: possibly an empty eye-socket, possibly the result of a trepanation. This act may entail risk of catching "kufu". SLIPPING THE SALAMI TO A SUCKING CHEST WOUND - self explanatory. SLUGGING - The snot exuded by some species of slugs up here in the Pacific Northwest is the most tenacious stuff I've ever seen; it's a bitch getting it off of your hands. If you put the critter in the microwave for about 10 seconds, so that it's internal temparature gets up to about blood heat, and then let it crawl around for a while on the head of your dick, you can fix yourself up just fine with a "permalube" that will last at least as long as the teflon coating on aluminum frying pans. The best part, of course, is that it's a renewable resource! "Cold freaks" can, of course, skip the microwave step. Works best if you have not been circumcised, as the foreskin aids in preserving the slippery coating, and annoying particulates are less of a problem. SPITOONING - Well, I've always heard that HIV can be carried in saliva, but to be sure of catching it from someone, you have to drink a couple of gallons of the stuff. SPOOGEMELON - An old friend of mine recently recommended experiencing sexual congress with a watermelon. "Just cut a hole in the rind, and go to town..." When you're done, what you'd have is a piping hot SPOOGEMELON! A real Southern delicacy. SQUICKING - To be squicked is simply to be turned off by a BDSM activity. Like "The whips were great, but when you used the metal-tipped cane that squicked me". Or "I enjoy pain, but blood squicks me". It's the point (different for everyone) at which excitement and risk turn to either `ewww, grosssss' or `shit, that _hurts_!'. Definitely not the same as "skull fucking": Geoff Miller comments about skull fucking and possible equivalence to squicking: I posted that a year ago, and I *made it up!* I just figured that was the only activity that would make a "squicking" noise, with the possible exception of slipping the salami to a sucking chest wound. (We've heard of water in the lung. But how would a doctor react when he realized that someone had *jism* in his lung? I don't think even Rod Stewart could top that!) Honorable mentions: When you squick someone (or something), you must trephan it (cut a hole in the skull) on the center-line of the skull. Then, you proceed the fuck their brain - actually you fuck the gap dividing the two hemispheres - killing your partner in the process. Average orgasms. There seems to be a definite gender-bias in the alt.tasteless preferred sex act, as it provides an orifice for penetration--neglecting the needs of females who are not adapted for such actions (without the addition of strap-on hardware; however, stimulation is still at a loss). Merely create an opening at the rear base of the skull and retrieve the mother-of-all-phallisees, the medulla oblongata. 'nuff sed. SOGGY COOKIE, SOGGY BISCUIT, SOGGY CRACKER, BUTTER THE TOAST - A group of males circle around a cookie, cracker or biscuit. All masturbate, aiming ejaculate at cookie, cracker or biscuit. Last one to ejaculate eats the cookie, cracker, biscuit or toast. SUCKING SOMEONE OFF THEN DOING THE HEAVE - Then there's another friend of mine, a female. (name withheld 'cause some netters may know her. heh) who was drunk, and stoned, and was sucking this guy off in a cemetary and she went to swallow but wound up doing the heave. heh. SWANNING - Who haven't been standing there with their tongue up a swans tight, moist wrinkly anus and wished for something more? Wished for some genuine mano-a-swano contact, that wouldn't split the noble bird or mutilate your bent modesty? And the beak has always been in the way, obstructing every romantic move you might have made in order to stuff your cock down the swans throat. Though it's great fun, it won't do much good just to smash the damned beak with a brick, as there will always be some shards left that inevitably will puncture your swollen member. You'll also have trouble pulling the beak off with a pair of pliers, so most swanlovers recommend that you saw it off, then file it smooth and round. And Halleluja! Then you have at least 15 inches of swanthroat to fulfill your wildest desires, just hold on to the swans head right at the root of your penis and the swan will do the rest of the job, even do all the grunts of pleasure that you may be too busy to perform. To those of you who have a fear for this strong and mighty bird, the swan lovers association wisely advice '..Do bring two or three plasticbags, as your feathered lover might try to escape or even hurt you with its powerful wings.'. This method works perfectly, and I have succesfully kept a beakless swan alive for two weeks in a duct taped plasticbag. We had the most wild and crazy sex every night, and when it finally died there was enough shit in the bag for me to fill my mouth three times. TRAKADICK - Trakadick (v) : to repeatedly insert your mantool(tm) into the trachea of a decapitated body. TEA BAGGING - Another custom my roommate has described to me is known as "tea-bagging". This is when a guy squats over a babe's waiting mouth, and proceeds to repeatedly dip his testicles into her salivating orifice. NO, has hasn't done it to me (thank God). On teabagging I think it's also worth to note that the girl should wear goggels if you've had spicy food the day before. I for one fart like a madman when I have sex and she might go blind if you've had chili in tabasco sauce. The objects lodged in your anus could also prove dangerous to the poor girl; it's not nice to get a broomstick in the eye. TEA ROOM TRADE - having sex through a hole in a bathroom stall ... THE STOOL GAME - THE STOOL GAME official rules Two men sit in front of each other in a bathtub wanking. When the spunk/ water amount is 50:50, you start playing. Both put their feet on the sides of the bathtub, and try to push their stool as far out as they can, without losing it. It's extremely funny pushing it far out, then pulling it in again, and many expierience a wonderful orgasm during this play. The winner is the man that can push the stool the most far out, and then still be able to retract it. One suggested variation (sorry, I lost that post so I can't give proper credit) is to trade a stool back and forth, the loser being the one to "drop" the stool. TIJUANA WALK-OFF, HEXAPODALITY: I have been informed how to perpetrate hexapodiality.. take one large fly (blowie's as they are called by those in the know) store in safe place. Run bath so that an erect penis forms an island. Remove fly's wings, place on 'island' free to roam.. for the truelly cruelly tasteless. The objective in this exercise is to be stimulated to orgasm by the walking fly such that the poor thing is plastered to the ceiling by the ejaculate. I tried this with a banana slug recently, but I wouldn't recommend it on a regular basis! The thrill, and therefore also the pleasure, would increase a lot if you replaced the harmless insect with i.e. a wingless African killer bee. The sensation of being stung by a poisonous creature in the very moment of orgasm must be somewhat like the bizarre desire to strangle somebody, your partner or yourself when ejaculation. TIK-JACK - Another while on the subject is to place a 'tik-tak' in the end of your dick, and get a blow job. When you come, your partner will have a "minty fresh treat"! Yum! TRANS-URINATION, REVERSE ENURESIS - two catheters are attached to the ends of a tube. The catheters are inserted into two people's urethra's, and they trade urine. Steroid abusing athletes often have this done to be able to piss fresh, sweet, clean, urine into the testing jar. TWELVE STOREY FACE FUCK - Ejaculating in your girlfriends face when you're standing on the balcony of your room on the 12th floor and she is standing outside the building. It needs a lot of practice before you can perform this. URETHRA SEX - About .5% of women have an extended urethra opening, and with practise (although this is not recommended) this can be used as an alternative sexual "interface", especially in older women after their skin starts to lose elasticity. VACUUM FUCK, POWER MASTURBATION - I remember a story about some fellow who was into masturbating with his shop vac. Supposedly, you get a good flutter going, and it is pretty satisfying, and best of all: "There's no fuss no muss - everything is just whisked away." according to him. However he cautioned not to use a high power vaccuum cleaner. He said that he had done so once and the suction was so great it pulled his penis and scrotum into the nozzle, "nearly pulling my balls off" he said, until he somehow managed to switch it off. Then he had to muster all his effort to extract himself from the nozzle and found that the entire area was thoroughly scraped and scratched. The pain was tremendous. Knowing how filthy the nozzle of a vaccum cleaner would be and thinking about his open wound, he looked for a way to sterilize it, and found a bottle of Mennen Skin Bracer, which he dutifully poured over his groin area. Check out the July 5, 1980 issue of the British Medical Journal for more details. VAGINAL INFLATION, CUNNIBUBBLING, PUSSY POPPING - bruce allen ediger: One of my friends told me that her drug dealer's girlfriend told my friend that women could get unspeakable pleasure if you inflate a balloon to bursting inside her vagina. But they would have to be the long, thin ones that they use to make balloon animals with to get the full effect, it seems. Just think about it... stick it in her vagina all the way up to the opening of the balloon and then slowly inflate. While it inflates, the length of it will slowly drive her into unbearable ecstasy! If she hasn't had an orgasm by the time it's fully inflated, slide it in and out for a while until she's about to have one. Then just as she's about to have it, blow it up inside her! It'll send her WAY over the top! -------------------------------------------------------------------------