************************************************************* The Bastard Operator from Hell goes Meglomanic - The Sealed Section ************************************************************* THE WAY IT IS Recently someone called me from one of the "Out on the Floor Offices",an ethereal place rumoured to exist only in hyperspace, populated by mysterious being called Users. She was quite frantic.She was having trouble running a program through the computer, and her message was clear enough, although rather ill- conceived:"MY FILES ARE FULL!" I furrowed my brow, lit a smoke, and explained to her, "Really now, Miss Butterman, I don't have time for this." I slowly exhaled the menthol vapours as I stopped her process, crushing any hope she may have had of ever again seeing that document she had spent three hours slaving over. "I was a typing this REALLY important letter, and it HAS to be ready in an hour...there's all this stuff on my screen that I didn't type ...it says something about an error, should I read it to you?" "No point. Just press return." "oh my,it wants my username. Can I restart that where I left off?" "Not a chance." I drew another puff and tossed the phone aside. It occurred to me that if I had to hear one more of those whining complaint sessions, heads were gonna roll. Where do you people GET this stuff? I'm going to tell you what's really going on here. Now LISTEN UP. I'm not going over it a second time: Computer The black box that does your work for you. That's all you need to know. Response Time Usually measured in nanoseconds; sometimes measured in calendar months. The general rule is: Shut up your complaining about response time. Hardware See "Computer." Again,not your concern. Software If we want you to know we'll tell you about it, otherwise, leave us alone Network Don't worry about it, we'll take care of it. Use it to send mail among your half-wit selves, and don't think we won't read it all. What do you think we do all day? By the way, Butterman... shame about your mother's pancreas. Data The General rule is: Don't use any data files and if you find any, delete them before before I find out about them. In fact,just stay off the computer (see "Response Time") System Crash Don't ever call the system manager to tell him you think the compu ter is down. Don't call him to ask him when it will be up again. The more you bother him, the longer it takes. Downtime like I said, don't ask. Uptime Don't be ridiculous Vacation A time during which I don't have to put up with your sniveling.Don't try calling. There's no point. Computer Room Keep out, you're not invited. Don't knock on the door- don't even think about it. I broke the phone last time one of you jerks called me,and I'm not about to replace it. And keep your greasy fingers off the windows. My Office The name says it all...it's mine;stay out. Your Problems not my concern. Deadlines The general rule is: Deadlines are not acknowledged by me; they're not my responsibility. Go tell somebody who cares. Maintenance a) A Valid reason for shutting down the system at any time b) Much more important than anything any of you bozos do. c) Anything I choose to call maintenance. Software Upgrades Far too complex for you to comprehend. If I tell you I'm upgrading the system, just be quietly thankful. It's for your own good,even if it does mean extensive downtime during peak hours. Electronic Mail I delete it before reading it, so don't bother sending any to me. Defaults We like them just like they are;we chose them for a reason. Don't mess with them; consider them mandatory. Error Messages I'm not interested. I'm going to kill your process anyway, so keep them to yourself. Killing your Process a)Don't ever ask why b)Beyond your control c)No warnings given d)The highlight of my day e)If you call,it's going to happen. No exceptions. Password I reserve the right to change them without notice at any time.I choose them, and the more you bother me, the more degrading yours will be.(Example:BUTTERMAN:SNOTFACE) Users a)They slow down the computer b)They waste my time c)A general nuisance d)Worse than that, actually Software Modification You don't know what you want - we'll tell you what you want. It stays like it is. Period. Privileges I've got them, you don't need them. Enough said. Priority Mine is higher than yours, accept it. That's the reason my games run faster than your lousy accounting package. Terminals Before calling me with your terminal problems, consider this: a)Are you prepared to do without one for weeks? b)Do you REALLY want your process killed? c)Did you just trip over the cord again? d)Of course you did Disk Space I set the quotas, you live with them. If you need more space, check "Data Files". Operator I hired him and I trained him. He does what I tell him to. Usually armed;always dangerous. Backups a)A good idea b)If I gave a sh*t c)Which of course I don't Lunch The only time calling my office won't result in the killing of your process. Data Security That's your problem. I'm certainly not going to lose any sleep over it. My files are locked up tight. I feel secure. Jiffy Length of time it takes me to resolve your problem by killing your process. Eternity Length of time it takes me to give a sh*t about any problems that can't be resolved by killing your process. Impossible a)It can't be done (as far as you know) b)I can't be bothered c)You're starting to annoy me Inevitable a)Couldn't have been avoided b)Not my fault (as far as you know) c)The result of annoying me Menus If it's not on the menu, don't ask for it. It's not available. If it is on the menu, it's probably of no use or it doesn't work. We're working on it (See "eternity") Utilities I find them quite useful, you'll find them quite inaccessible. Besides, they're not on the menu,are they. What did I tell you about that? Nuisance You Of course, I reserve the right to add, change, or remove anything from the above list. I'm not asking you to accept these matters without question,I'm telling you. Now that we all know where we stand, I'm sure there'll be no future problems. If you have any questions or comments please feel free to keep them to yourself. If you feel the need for more information, I highly recommend that you ask someone else. Sincerely System Manager P.S.The new disk quota of 30 blocks per user became effective yesterday. Anyone caught exceeding the quota will lose their accounts (this means you,Butterman!) Getting to Know Your Computer A Short Glossary of Computer Terms Analog Hors d'oeuvre, usually made from cheese and covered with crushed nuts. Back-up Current data errors that have been saved for future use. See Database Back-up or File Back-up. Binary Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes. Bit 12 1/2 cents ($.125). Buffer Programmer who works in the nude. Bug Any type of insect. Byte Painful wound inflicted by dogs, snakes, children etc. Coding An addictive drug. Compile A heap of decomposing vegetable matter. Computer A device used to speed and automate errors. Control Character Any person who has money to spend for any reason. Crash A Normal Termination. Cursor An Expert in four-letter words. Database A special medium used to store errors, so that they can be processed an printed many times by the computer system. Sometimes called Input File or Data file. Debugging Activities necessary to remove insects from any area where they are not wanted. Diskette A mobile accessory to transsfer and to store errors. Downtime The time in which the computer rests while you sink into the lower depths of depression. (Downtime typically takes place while you are in the middle of your most important work on the computer.). Drive A hardware part were errors are loaded from diskettes. The moment the dirve's led is on can be described as the computer's orgasm.(the noise indicate it too!) Errors The normal result of running a computer system. Hardcoded Computer program code that has been allowed to dry. Hardware 1. Boots, leather, studs, spikes and such. 2. The parts of a computer which can be kicked. Keyboard An instrument used for entering errors into the system quickly. Logic Orderly path always followed by programs & errors. Loop See Loop. Maintenance Activities necessary to ensure that the system continues to produce errors and delay work efficiently. Never-Never Land 1. Place where no one grows up. 2. Place where programs love to go. -It is also called the Twilight Zone Password The nonsense word taped to your terminal. Printer A device that prints computer errors on paper. RAM A male sheep. Reset A button located on the computer's body,which make easier the "trip" of the programs to the Never-never land.It is conssidered as the only way of avoiding errors. ROM 1. A Ram after a delicate operation. 2. What programs do in Never-Never Land. Screen The part of the computer where the errors are seen for the first time. It is also the part programmers love to break the most.The most inginous and smart feature of the Screen is that it can be turned off. Software 1. Silk nighties, nylons, teddies etc. 2. Parts of computer that can not be kicked. Sometime Those occasions when a computer error message can be interpreted and understood. Security A feature of computer system access which helps prevent the mis-use (or proper use) of the system. Table-Lookup A piece of furniture that has been attached to the ceiling. Turbo A mode in which the computer compiles the errors faster. It sometimes may help the programs to reach the NeverNever land. Uptime The time in which a computer works & produces errors quickly and efficiently.