______________________________________________________________________________ HELLO EVERYBODY :-) I'm NEW TO THE 'NET ;-) Since I'VE only got 10 hrs to get stuff, I NEED SOME HELP PLEAESE. PLEASE TELL ME WHICH BUTTON TO CLLICK ON to get stories, please :-) (Is there a button I click on so you can talk to me? hellow? hello? is anybofyd there? Is therd a SYSOP here, please? IM WAITING FOR HELP PLEEEASE??!! HELLO? X x quite quit exit EXIT ~X ~G BYE ??? HOW DO IT LEAVE< PLEASE???? q q q Q How do I GET OUT OF HERE???? bye bye BYE IS anybody there/??? hello? SHJIT!SHIT! SHIT! OK< this is stupid! ;-( ;-( Now what do I DO??????????????? PLEASE, SOMEBODY< PLEASE TELL ME WHAT BUTTON TO CLICK ON TO GET OUT>>> ~X ~B exit exit exit exit exit exit exiteed BEY BYLE BYE BYE BYE BYE qqqqqqqqqqqqqq q great i'm stuck in this fuckin place my 10 free fuckin hours are going down the tubes and here i sit with my finger up my buttt! fuck this fuck this fuck this doubly doubly fuck this hello, people! GET ME OUTA HERE!!!!! godanm aol godamn aol godamn aol aol sucks the net sucks everyoby in the universe sucks what do I type to leave this godforsaken place? I spend 3,000 fucking dollars to byu a shitty COMPUTER and THIS is all it AMOUNTS TO???? When I get outa here SOMEBODY"S gonna PAY!! --0---3 hours and counting. I go and take a crap, come back to the tv screen and IM STILL STUCK IN COMPUTER LIMBO!! quit goodbye exit x q help ? helpmehelpmehelpmehelpmehelpme Roll me over, in the clover, roll me over lay me down and fuck you again now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country qwert x okay, I give up. I'm pullin the fuckin plug on this baby and sending it back to RADIO SHACK! ______________________________________________________________________________ This was sent to me by a fellow SysOp. I thought it was kinda funny: --------------------------------------------------------------------- >1. [Missing, but I assume it's the name. Ed.] >2. What is your sex? I SCR00D A GRIL WUNCE IT WAS AWSUM!!!!!! BUT SHE WUZ BUTT-UGLY SO NO MOR SEX!! XCEP MAYBE MIKEL JAXON BECUZ HE PAYZ 10 MILYUN $$$$!! >3. Describe the Computer System (Hardware) you call BBS's using? C-64 FOREVER!!!!!!!!!111111 AND A MODUM!!!!! I G0T A BLACK & WITE TV NOW BUT MAY-B C0L0R LATR! >4. How much Hard Drive Space do you have? I DONT NEED A HARD DRIV I GOT TOO FL0PPIS!!!! AND I BET U DIDNT NO U CAN CUT A HOLE IN FLOPPIS AND RUN THEM UPSIDE DOWN!!!!! >5. What is your fastest modem speed? What Brand modem? I JUST GOT A NEW 12OO BOD MODUM ITS RELLY RELLY FAST!!!!!!!!!! NOW I CAN D/L WAREZ AND IT DONT TAKE ALL DAY!!!! BUT I HAVE CAN D/L MORE K00L GAMES IN THAT EXTRA TIME!!!11 >6. What City and State, or province, or Part of country are you in? IM IN THE MIDDLE PART!!!!!1111 HA HA HAHA HA!!!! I WONT TELL YOU WERE I LIVE BECUZ U MIGHT TELL THE COPS!!!! >7. What Country? CUNTRY SUX!!!! HEAVY METTAL RULEZ!!! >8. Why do you call BBS's? I TRIED TO TALK TO BBS WITH JUST MY BRANE WAVES BUT IT HURTS TOO MUCH SO I HAV 2 CALL!!!!! AND I CAN D/L MORE GAMEZ WITH CALLING THAN MY BRANE. >9. What terminal software do you use? Name and version? WHATS A S0FTWEAR??????? I SEEN THAT WORD S0FTWEAR WUNCE IN A GAME I D/L IT SAID CRACKED BY D0CTER S0FTWEAR!!!!!!!!!!!! IS TERMAINAL SOFTWEAR A NU NAME 4 DOCTER SOFTWERE??? IT SUX I LIKD HIZ OLD NAME. >10. About how many times do you login in a weeks time? JUST WUNCE AND I STAY LOGG ON ALL DAY! ALL WEEK! I NEVER HANG UP BECAUSE I CAN D/L ALL THE WAREZ! AND EVRY-1 ELSE GETS A BUZY S1GNUL! >11. About how long do you stay on-line each session? TIL DAD F1NDS ME AND MAKES ME HANG UP AND DO H0MWERK! HES A REEL BASTURD I H0PE HE GETS SIFILIS!! >12. What is your favorite BBS's name? BIFFS AWESUM WAREZ SHACK! BUT DONT TELL ITS A SECRET. U HAV 2 B ELITE LIK ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >13. What is it's main phone number? 1-800-746-9472 AND THE PASSWERD IZ C64D00D!!! >14. What is the hours of operation? I WONT TELL CUZ THEN YOUL GET ON AND TAKE ALL MY TIME! >15. What do you find there? HOT GAMEZ AND WAREZ!!!! AND HES GOT A BIG XRATED SECTION THAT HE LETS ME INTO EVEN THO IM 13. I DL LOTS OF GIF PHILEZ BUT CANT FIGGER HOW TO READ?????????????????????????????????????? PLEEZ HELP!!!!!!!!?????????????????? >16. If you can, please tell us what software they are using? I DUNNO ITS THE WUN WITH THE MENUS AND FILEZ AND STUFF! MAYBE IT WUZ WIND0WS I HERD WINDOS HAS LOTS OF WAREZ FILES!!! >17. What are the features you like? THE SISOP LETS ME C THE XRATED PART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111 >18. What are the features you don't like? I CANT FIND ANYONES PASSWERDS!!!! IM A GRATE HACKER BUT I CANT FIGGER OUT PASSWERDS!!!!! NOT FARE!!! >19. How could the sysop/system administrator improve the system? MAKE ME THE COSISOP!!!! AND MOVE HIS KOMPUTOR T0 MY H0USE!!! AND HIZ MONITER TOO I DONT LIKE B/W TV! >20. Is it a Pay BBS system? How much a year/month/week(Pick one)? WHATS A PAY BBS????????????????????? PAY FER WAREZ????????? THATS STOOPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >21. If you were to get the perfect BBS, what would you want to > see, what features, what do you want. Please be specific, and > please be as long winded as you wish! A PERFECT BBS WOUD HAVE ME 4 A SISOP AND ALL THE UZERS WOUD B MY SEX SLAVES AND ID HAV ALL THE PASSWERDS!!!!!!! AND THERED BE A BIG XRATED SECTION BUT MY DAD WOUDNT NO!!!! AND LOTZ 0F WAREZ FOR THE AWESUM C64 GAMEZ AND STUFF. IT WOUD HAVE 3 FLOPPI DRIVES BUT NO HARD DISKS THOSE ARE FER SISSIES WHO HAVE TO MUCH MONEY!!!!!!!! OH YEAH SPEAKING ABOUT MUNEY DAVE RH0DES IS AWESUM HED BE CO-SISUP AND WE MAKE EVERY-1 READ OUR MAKE.M0NEY.FAST BUT I BEAT UP DAVE RHODES AND TAKE HIS MONEY AND BY A NU JOYSTIK!!!!!!! EVRY DAY!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! AND ID MAKE NU USERS U/L ALL THERE WAREZ FILES ON THERE F1RST CALL BUT THEN HANG UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!! \QUIT \S ______________________________________________________________________________ 1. Twits love DOWNLOADING. Uploading is for simpletons who can't tell whether they are coming or going. If Twits designed modems, we'd all have one which downloads at 19.2 K-Baud, and uploads at 300 baud. If twits wrote protocols, the smallest block they could receive would be 10 megs. 2. Twits can't READ or COUNT. This is evidenced by their total inability to comprehend System Rules, or Upload / Download Ratios. But, for some strange reason, they can still use a computer. 3. Twits feel that the proper way to leave a board is to drop the carrier. They do this because they don't want to waste their valuable time exiting via the "Goodbye" command, when they could spend that time calling another board. 4. Twits NEVER leave messages, unless it is rude, crude, or socially unacceptable. If an exception to this exists, it will probably be a creative one-liner such as "Hi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!". Twits rarely reply to messages. Unless they enter a one-liner such as the one above. 5. Twits NEVER communicate with SysOps, unless it is to ask WHY such and such file is unavailable, demand access to the "Private Area's", or gripe about something. Mail from the SysOp is considered to be the electronic equivalent of "Junk-Mail", and should be ignored. In fact, there should be some form of law to stop it from being written. 6. Twits NEVER EVER pay for access to a computer system. They see themselves as latter-day "Robin-Hoods", taking from the rich (SysOps) and giving to the Poor (Themselves). Their motto: "If it isn't free, it isn't worth having." 7. Twits NEED multiple user names and logon passwords on each board they call. This is the measure of their Twit-dom, and reflects their true status in the Twit-community. A Twit with only ONE user name and logon password per board is a FAILURE, and faces censure and possible expulsion from their peer group. (It is no wonder that Twits exhibit schizo-tendancies). 8. Twits know EVERYTHING. Just ask them. But, it'd take a crow-bar & dynamite to get any useful information out of them. These self- professed "experts" will RARELY stoop so low as to assist someone who may genuinely need some help. After all, a REAL "hacker" never needs or asks for help. 9. A Twit would not be caught dead using their REAL NAME when calling a BBS. In fact, Twits refuse to leave anything more involved than a handle when registering on a BBS.(EVERYONE knows who "Slinky Toy" is) The "ONLY" exception to this rule is that they will often use SOMEONE ELSE's real name. Or, they may use the name of a Heavy-Metal rock & roll group.(Imagine a system where everyone is named "G & R"). 10. Twits NEVER register their Shareware. Cash is what they use to buy faster modems. Program Authors are neurotic-compulsives, and if they did not serve a purpose, Twits would have them abolished completely. 11. Twits ADORE Sprint, MCI, and other long-distance credit card numbers, IF they belong to someone else. This also applies to COMPUSERV, SOURCE, etc. Their motto is: "If you can't steal it, it can't be much fun". 12. A Twit is a "BBS Connoisseur". They KNOW which BBS software is BEST and how your system SHOULD look and run. They will not hesitate to inform you if it fails to meet their demanding and rigid expectations. (They consider this a "Public Service") However, they would NEVER trouble themselves to run their OWN bbs. That might take valuable time away from their duties as "Remotes" on the boards they spend all their waking moments calling. 13. Twits LOVE to page the SysOp, often just for the sheer hell of it. They are most fond of "Late-Night" paging. This is the perfect time for them to explain the infallable logic as to why they should be (18 min left), (H)elp, More? given Remote-SysOp access to your system. Their second most favored reason for wanting to chat; "Just checking to see if you were THERE!" 14. Twits cannot comprehend WHY the IBM program they just downloaded won't run on their Amiga 500. After all, programs are programs, right? And, any fool knows that a 512K machine can hold a 2 Meg. prgm. 15. Twits can't TOLERATE seeing a command that they can't use. Their motto is "try, try again". If it didn't work the first time, it HAS to work on the second, third, fourth, etc. No self-respecting SysOp would intentionally offer them anything less than TOTAL ACCESS. 16. Twits are FASCINATED by DOS. Their quest for it rivals the search for the legendary "Holy-Grail". They MUST reach it, through their modem, or all is lost. What they would do with it if they reached it, is probably a lot like what a dog who chases cars would would do with one if he managed to catch it. (Pee on the tires?) 17. Twits are totally ENGROSSED by hardware. They can conceive of the most unborthodox, outrageous, and potentially lethal contraptions known on Earth. Occasionally, these "time-bombs" actually work. Any difficulties they experience with their computers will fall under the heading of "Miscegenation", or "Poetic Justice". 18. Twits CRAVE the LATEST version of "Goober-Pods" / "Space-Weenies". To reward the SysOp for access to such mega-byte gems, they will upload VALUABLE and USEFUL programs in return. Such as "Weasel- Stompers" for the Commodore64, providing it is less than 10K in size. 19. A Twit NEVER uses applications programs, and NEVER writes programs.(Programs are what Twits DOWNLOAD, and most can just BARELY write or spell) Their motto:"If you don't need a joystick to play it, it isn't worth having". 20. A real Twit will FLATLY REFUSE to use ANY compression method on files they intend to upload. After all, SysOps sit and twiddle their thumbs waiting on something to do, and should be GRATEFUL that they get ANY uploads, EVER! They also refuse to upload documentation. (It is crutch for weak minds and the hallmark of the Geek) 21. Twits SUFFER if there are no "NEW" files on the system. There may be a correlation between "NEW" files and Twits, much as there is one which exists between dog-excrement and flies. The only difference is that flies usually leave after eating their fill. Twits don't. 22. Twits desperately NEED to become Remote-Sysops. They KNOW that EVERYONE else on the system has SysOp capabilities, and don't want to be excluded from all the fun! (Are all Twits created equal?) 23. Twits think that the "Caps Lock" key must be activated in order to properly leave a message on a board. They think that their message is of such great importance that it must be screamed at everyone. 24. Occasionally an above average Twit who discovers that modeming can be a two way street will attempt to get around upload\download ratios by renaming the same program fifteen or twenty times and using it to fill the sysop's hard disk with redundant programs. After all, rules were meant to be broken, right? 25. A Twit would quote this enter message in a reply and add one word of intelligent rebuttal like ...NOT!!!!!!!! or WHOA!!!!!! ______________________________________________________________________________ Sysop Survival necessity's include: 1)Boxes of Salticrax - when things aren't working your way you need to bite on something, so why not feed yourself while you're at it. There is not time to take breaks to eat! 2) Monthly supply of coke - After you've chewed a box of salticrax you always need something to wash it down. There is no time to warm up tea you need something quick that pours and is easily re-fillable. But watch out for the keyboard! you wouldn't want to have to steal another one! 3) Stay Alert tablets - those poor BBS people just keep having problems even at 3 oclock in the morning people will page you up. You must be alert and ready to answer all calls. Remember a Sysop works is never done! 4) A Bed Pan - When your body realised the kind of s@#t that you're swallowing it naturally wants to throw it out. There is no time to take a few steps to the toilet - you never know when Bill Clinton will be FTPing onto your board. The Bed Pan offers a quick and easy method to relive those irratating urges plus it offers got shooting practice if you place it a few meteres away (once again beware of the keyboard - we wouldn't want to create ammonia knock out gas) 5) A Maid - Yep after all that eating there is plenty of waste (not to mention a bed pan which needs emptying) this is where a maid comes in handy. Yep! There is no one better to do your dirty work then a minimum paid maid who cleans up s#@t like SuperMan! Beware some maids have a tendancy to forget things and get a bit mixed up. The next time you look for that all important manual you may just find last weeks missing Bed Pan. ______________________________________________________________________________ 20 Ways to know you're a BBS addict 1. When your youngster saw the cover art for "So Much Modem Madness" he/she yell out "DA DA"? 2. Is your idea of family quality time a tour of Bell Labs? 3. No matter what baud modem you own, (even 28.8k) do you wish you had one that was faster? 4. Has your wife or girlfriend ever left for more than 3 days and you didn't even know they were gone? 5. Is your phone bill so large it gets delivered by UPS? 6. Have you ever left tearful announcements on Long-distance BBSs telling everyone you couldn't afford to call anymore, then kept checking back see if anyone had responded? 7. Has your phone company sent you hand written thank-you notes? 8. When you return from vacation, do you get a call from your phone company asking if everything is all right? 9. Have you ever cancelled a date cause he/she wants a late night dinner when the phone rates are lowest? 10. Do you call during the morning hours, knowing the rates are the highest with the excuse that "at least I will be able to get on?" 11. Do you own a back-up generator so you can run your computer even the power company can't? 12. Have you ever logged on to a BBS, and then realized you didn't know City, State, or Country it was in? 13. Can you log onto a BBS, Browse, and log off without ever having to turn the monitor on? 14. Are the words ON LINE burnt into your monitor screen? 15. Do you know more about what is going on in the lives of the people the BBS community than you do about the people you live with? 16. Does your hard drive contain more files than any of the BBSs you call? 17. Do you compete with others to be the #1 user on every BBS you call? 18. Have you ever called a BBS at 4:00am, found it was offline, then call the sysop just in case they didn't know? 19. Do you page sysops into chat, even though you see the message 'sysop unavailable' again and again, because you think that maybe they will an exception for you? 20. Are you late for work/school in the morning because you insist on answering all 235 netmail messages you've received? ______________________________________________________________________________ The 30 Commandments of BBSing Some very intelligent SysOp gave some great thought to how a BBS should be operated and came up with these 30 BBS Commandments. 1. Thou shalt love thy BBS with all thy heart and all thy bytes. 2. Thou shalt remember thy name and thy password. 3. Thou shalt speaketh to the SysOp thy real name. 4. Thou shalt not POST IN ALL CAPS! 5. Thou shalt Honor thy SysOp. 6. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's password, nor thy neighbor's real name, computer, software, nor any other thing of thy neighbor's. 7. Thou shalt only call a BBS two times a day. 8. Thou shalt not post messages that are stupid, worthless, or have no meaning, lest thee be deemed a fop. 9. Thou shalt use the English language properly so that thee may be deemed wise. 10. Thou shalt spell thy words correctly. Amen. 11. Thou shalt delete thine own mail. 12. Thou shalt delete thine ancient mail. 13. Thou shalt help other users so that thee may be deemed a friend. 14. Thou shalt not post anomymously when offering criticism. 15. Thou shalt keep thy foul language to thyself lest thee be forever banished. 16. Thou shalt not occupy thy BBS with thine arguments, for Verily, I say unto thee that thou shalt maketh thyself the charlatan. 17. Woe be unto the user who attempth to crash thy BBS, for such shall be cast out from the sanctuary of thy hobby and must repent by doing 40 mega-days and 40 mega-nights of penance in voice-only communications. 18. Thou shalt first dial BBS number during the day by way of voice line to assure correct numbers. 19. Thou shalt not post other user's real names. 20. Thou shalt not post messages after imbibing excessively of ale. 21. Thou shalt confine thy messages to those of friendship, requests for assistance, aid to the needy, advice, and advancement of thy hobby; yea, and thou art obligated to repel any who wouldst transgresseth upon these commandments. 22. If thou doth promise to reply to a message and thou doth not, then surely thou shalt spill liquid into thy keyboard and shorteth out thy central processing unit. 23. Thou shalt not giveth any false information when applying for membership to thy BBS, for Verily it is Written that whosoever shall do so will surely be found out and thy welcome on all boards will be thus be denied forever and ever. 24. Thou shalt log on properly and in accordance with thy SysOp's wishes. 25. Thou shalt observeth BBS time limits. 26. Thou shalt not upload "worm" or "trojan" or "virus-ed" programs. Amen and Amen, for to do so wilt bringeth foul curses upon thee and thine, thy children, and thy children's children yea unto the 7th generation. So shalt it be. 27. Thou shalt not ask stupid questions that art already fully explained in BBS bulletins and instructions. 28. Thou shalt not exchangeth commercial software thru thy BBS. 29. Thou shalt not violate any applicable state/federal/local laws and regulations affecting BBS telecommunications, or thee will face the wrath of thy judicial system. 30. Thou shalt not hack. ______________________________________________________________________________ A while back, one of our users started a discussion about all the different types of users that show up on a BBS. This inspired us to challange everyone on The Stargate BBS to make up a Garbage Pail Kid type name and a short summery of the Kid's character. If you are under the age of 20, or have school aged kids at home, you know what we are talking about....if you fall between the cracks, Garbage Pail Kids are tasteless little cards that can be collected that feature unfortunates such as Acne Andy. Well, Stargate never pretended to be a tasteful board and therefore we are proud to present our collection of.... Modem Pail Kids Anxious Albert- This user leaves a message to a fellow user on the BBS. Trouble is, he's so anxious to see if he received a response, he calls back ever 15 minutes to check, thus preventing his buddy (or anyone else) from logging on and answering him. Baud-Rate Bert- This user trys to call a 300 baud BBS at 1200 baud and waits for the SysOp to pick up the phone after it rings....then he HANGS UP! Buffer Bob- This user leaves his buffer open constantly in case something important comes ome the screen. Of course when somthing important does appear, they belatedly realize that the buffer filled up a long time ago. BBS Bill- This is a SysOp who logs onto a BBS for the sole purpose of advertising his own BBS. Big-Brother Brent- This SysOp gets his kicks by watching users quietly while they go about their business on the board. Suddenly, while the user least expects it, he suddenly makes his presence known, and scares the user to death. Blank Betty- A user who leaves a message like this: ................................................and then wonders why she never gets any responses. Cautious Charlie- To keep his password secure, this user changes his password frequently. Unfortunatly, he has a hard time logging on and doing anything because he can never remember what his current password is supposed to be. Chatting Carl- This user insists on trying to chat, even when a message announces that the SysOp isn't around. Chatty Patty- This user calls the SysOp to chat just to see if he is a Big Brother Brent and has been watching her session. Cheap Curtis- This user looks through every computer magazine to find the cheapest price for his hardware. He eventually finds out that when it arrives, it needs so many additional parts that by the time he gets it all together, he's spent far more than he would of if he had bought it retail in the first place. Depressed Dan- This user has spent $150 calling long distance to an out of state BBS to download a program he has been searching everywhere for. Thoughts of suicide arise, when upon trying the program, he finds that it doesn't work at all. Depressed Dan Jr.- Follows in his fathers footsteps, but gets upset when he spends 90 minutes uploading a complicated file, and the SysOp wipes it. These people are always considered to have suicidal tendencies. Dippy David- This user logs on but doesn't bother to learn the system or read any directions and subsequently leaves a lot of /s and .s at the end of his messages. Downloading Derek- One of those users who keep downloading files from a board that doesn't support his computer because he wants the file to work so bad. Download Darren- The user who seems to only no one key on a board: D for download! Eggbert Excuse- This user spends plenty of time explaining why he never leaves any messages on the board, but excuses are the only things he ever manages to leave. Feedback Freddy- A user who leaves several rambling messages in feedback on different subjects and wonders why the SysOp never answers him. Frantic Fred- A user who constantly checks his time left on the board so he won't be suddenly logged off, but never stays more than 5 minutes at a time anyway. Fryin' Brian- This user is so impatient to get his computer, modem or whatever hooked up so that he can being to use it that he doesn't bother reading the directions cause it takes up too much time. Of course they end up shorting out everything with a resultant 2-6 wait to get whatever they fried fixed. Game Freak Gus- This user doesn't do anything but dial BBSs to get games, and has no use at all for boards like TFC. Gullible Gilligan- A user that buys a $8000 dollar computer only to find that the company that makes the software for it went out of business 6 months ago. Hacker Harry- A hacker who breaks into places like a library computer system and acts like its the greatest accomplishment in the world. HotKey Harold- A user who sets the board on hotkey. Then types a head of himself filling up the buffer on the board and then promptly forgets where he is going and what to do when he gets there. Idiot Irv- A user who posts the same message twice because they wanna be sure that everyone has seen it. Late-Night Lenny- A user who likes to call boards very late (yawn) at night, starts to download somthing and then decides that they are too tired to wait and just hangs up leaving the board tied up the rest of the night. These people usually use 250 baud or less. Log Off Larry- A user who thinks logging off a BBS means to hang up whenever they have had enough. Many Board Mike- A users who is a member of so many boards that he leaves a message to a user on a local board who in actual fact uses a board in Florida. Mess-Up Morris- A user who maks manis mestaks whil typying mussages und blams it on littl creatchers sucking data out of fone linez. Message Manny- A (sometimes) new user who calls a BBS and leaves pitiful messages begging people to leave him mail. Never Call Norman- A user who calls a BBS just often enough to discover that he's been deleted for lack of participation. New User Ned- Someone that doesn't know anything about running a BBS yet tries to start one of his own. Most of the time he runs it with one floppy disk and calls it the best board around. Nonsense Nick- A user who writes tons of long complicated messages that no one can figure out. Novice Nancy- This user selects expert mode and then always lists the menu anyway. Once-in-a-While Willy- This user calls a bit more often than Never Call Norman, but only calls to make sure he is still listed on the user log. Pain-in-the-Ass Pete- This user reads the messages on the board and takes the Devil's Advocate side to whatever is current on the board, being generally obnoxious and boring. Paranoid Polly- This SysOp wants a copy of your birth certificate and driver's license before she will let you on the board. Paul Promise- The one who leaves messages everywhere about his intentions about putting up a MAJOR BBS, then never gets around to it because his parents never bought him a modem for Christmas. Password Pete- The user who changes his password every time he logs onto a board because he is afraid that his little brother will use it to log on and ruin his reputation so he'll never be accepted on another board for the rest of his life. Perfect Paul- this user insists on leaving messages without any mistakes at all, and when he does happen to make one, he just aborts it rather than bother with the editor. Phantom Phred- A user who calls every day, but never posts anything. Phoney Phil- Not a real name, just a handle of a user trying to increase his daily time allotment on a BBS by calling back as different users. He often wonders why no one else calls the board except him. Phreaking Phreddie- This modem hacker who breaks into a banks computer system... and then wonders why the FBI is concerned. Purging Paul- When asked by the system is he wishes to delete or kill a message after he's read it, this user is quick to answer YES, only to get a sinking feeling moments later that the message contained important information that he thought he had memorized, but hadn't. RBBS Rob- A person who logs onto a board and goes to expert mode right away using RBBS commands, even on non RBBSs. He often leaves mail to the SysOp complaining that the commands don't seem to be working. Re-register Ralph- Like Never Call Norman, this user registers on a BBS, but after a while is deleted because he never calls back. Then he finally gets around to calling the board, finds he's been deleted, and re-registers on the board, and once again drops out of sight. Responding Ronald- This idiot posts responses to messages he saw on another board. RETURNing Randy- This user constantly hits RETURN while the board is loading a program and wthen wonders why they keep seeing Screamin' Sam- THIS USER NEVER USES LOWER CASE SO IT ALWAYS SEEMS HE'S SHOUTING AT YOU. Sleeping Sam- After using a batch download this user falls asleep at the switch to wake up the next morning with the keys to his computer firmly imbedded in his forehead and a slightly annoyed Sysop wondering why his board was tied up for over a hour while the user inspected one menu. Slowpoke Sally- This user types so slowly that the board gets no input long enough to trigger the time out option and logs the user off. SysOp Stan- This guy is in LOVE with new BBS programs, and constantly trys out new ones on his unsuspecting users. However he never bothers to transfer the user log or passwords which means that by the time you have re-registered and have waited the 24 hour hold, he has already taken it down and put yet another one up in its place Testing-the-waters Ted- Lonesome for some company, this user presses the chat page cautiously, cause he doesn't want to bother the SysOp if he's busy...when the SysOp answers he then claims that "I hit the chat by accident." Depending on how the SysOp responds, the user then has a nice chat, or if he Is busy, the user has a valid excuse for paging the SysOp in the first place. Time Bomb Tom- A user that stays on line for half an hour going from menu to menu, but not doing anything....when he finally gets up the courage to actually do something, he manages to mess up the board. Uploading Oscar- This user keeps uploading the same file over and over using different names in order to take advantage of the 3 for 1 time ratio and get enough time to download the 1500 block program he's been hoping to get. Voice Synthesizer Victor- This user will go to ANY lengths to hear his computer talk, even though you can't understand a word it says. Whoops Wilbur- This person logs onto Stargate BBS, writes a wonderful message full of wit and wisdom, hits a to abort the message, and then logs off the BBS without ever Posting the little gem...sending it to the same place where the socks in the dryer go, never to be seen again. William Writers-Block- This users sees "Use for new paragraph and left justify ONLY, "/*" to end.".....and every word of English he ever learned leaves his head. Worn Out Wally- This user calls so many boards that the letters on his keyboard disappear from excessive wear. Wondering Wally- What Worn Out Wally turns into after the letters on the keys are gone. The blankness usually comes to them after they "wake up" from their state of computer hypnosis, caused by not being able to type. They then start to wonder what happened to the keys. Words Waldo- No matter how long the message was that was left him, this users manages to reply in only one word sentences. Xmodem Xavier- This is the user who has Zmodem or Y-modem Batch and will download one file at a time using Xmodem-checksum. One more to add: Textfile Tex: A sysop who encourages text files like this to be put together by users on his BBS. ______________________________________________________________________________ Dear SysOp, You have made me so angry by not responding to my telepathic entreaties for information about this board, that I have concluded that you need some help in straightening out your procedures for operating this BBS. First, why are you wasting space on messages to and from users other than me? Please get your priorities in order. Second, do you have any files on Martian nose picking techniques? If not I DEMAND to know why not? I want to learn how to put booggers into my ANSI messages. Third, why do you carry programs on this BBS that require reading the documentation to use correctly? I dont want to waste my time reading some old instructions. Fourth, why do I get a busy signal sometimes when I call this BBS? I always send you a thought message to let you know that I am about to call so that you can clear the line for me but you don't seem to have enough courtesy to log off other users when I call. Fifth, you have something wrong with your system regarding the color graphics. I have set my profile to color graphics repeatedly and I still don't get any color on my monochrome disply. Please fix it. Sixth, why don't you like me? ______________________________________________________________________________ W H Y A B B S I S B E T T E R T H A N A W O M A N 1) You don't need a condom to enter a BBS. 2) A BBS doesn't have any tiresome relatives that have to be visited at Christmas. 3) A BBS always smells fresh and clean and not at all fishy. 4) A BBS is always ready for an Upload. 5) A BBS won't nag you for being completely pissed out of your skull. 6) A BBS doesn't have underarm hair. 7) A BBS will never grow a moustache, no matter how old it gets. 8) A BBS doesn't have any hair at all, actually. 9) You can leave a BBS for days and it will still talk to you afterwards. 10) You can talk to other BBS and your usual BBS wont get jealous. 11) If a BBS annoys you, you can logoff any time you like. 12) A BBS looks as good in the morning as it does any other time. 13) Not only will a BBS orally stimulate you, but it will even swallow your warez. 14) A BBS can always be found in the same place. 15) A BBS doesn't care if you fall asleep in the middle of an upload. 16) A BBS doesn't get totally bitchy every month. 17) Very rarely will you wake up in the middle of the night and find that a BBS has pulled all the sheets off you. 18) A BBS hardly ever goes insane. 19) A BBS will almost never cut off your penis with a pair of rusty scissors if it finds out you've been uploading to another BBS. 20) If you decide to permanently separate from a BBS, it won't take legal action and obtain your money, car, house, kids and dog. ______________________________________________________________________________ A S Y S O P ' S N I G H T B E F O R E C H R I S T M A S --------------------------------------------------------------- Copyright 1992 - The Godfather BBS, Tampa FL Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the nodes The modems were buzzing from many abodes. And the new soundcard I'd hid by the chimney with care, Had been returned by my spouse who had found it there. I knew kids had long since been poured in their beds While visions of new Apogee games danced in their heads. My spouse fell asleep in a chair next to me The computer was mine, I shouted with glee! When a ring on Node 1 woke me quick from my throes For the name on the logon thrilled me to the toes Away to the keyboard I tore like a flash Fell onto the table - broke a mouse with a crash. The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow Shone bright on the ANSI screen from a user we know. And what to my wondering eyes did I see? But one SANTA CLAUS typed so very hesitatingly. In the NEWUSER script answered "YES" to real name, "North Pole" as location, the "XT" was a shame. He read all the rules and then to the bulletins he went. So perfect his logon, I was slow to get bent. I thought: "Download a file, you ain't got all night!" The menus were boring in plain black and white. But no interest in files this user displayed, And I knew that this guy might get an upgrade. He read all the Main Conference, then paused for a sec Made me wonder if the guy worked with a full deck And then, in a twinkling a message he typed When I read it, the tears from my eyes I did wipe. THANK YOU SYSOP, FOR THE ACCESS - YOU HAVE A GREAT BOARD I thought at this time the sub he couldn't afford HAVE A WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS, AND A BETTER NEW YEAR At least for a lockout he had nothing to fear. MRS CLAUS SENDS HER BEST AND THE ELVES SEND A GREETING Maybe we should invite this guy to our next meeting. I'LL ONLY CALL ONCE A YEAR, BUT I'LL UPLOAD A FILE! Just once a year? How many boards does he dial? After saving this message, to the RIME conferences he went, Joined the WEIGHT conference quickly, and read with intent, Through COMMON and GLOBAL and PRETEENS he flew Even left a few messages to people I knew! Then upload he did - 'twas some warm Christmas text Made me wonder in awe at just what he'd do next I sprang to the kitchen a poured me a drink Stirred it quick with a dirty spoon right from the sink. Then back to the keyboard, but he'd logged off with a BYE No chance for a chat with this SANTA CLAUS guy. But I heard in the distance as I turned off the light, MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOODNIGHT! ______________________________________________________________________________ Taglines: - FOR SYSOP USE ONLY - Do not write below this line - A fool and his money soon becomes a SysOp. Adventure. Excitement. A sysop craves not these things. All sysops are not user friendly! For sincere personal advice, page your SysOp at 3 A.M. On this BBS, we recycle all of our bytes, bit by bit. SWF, blonde bombshell, seeks man now. No SYSOPs. If all else fails...blame the SysOp!!!!! ______________________________________________________________________________