Newsgroups: alt.tasteless Path: diku!news.uni-c.dk!sunic!trane.uninett.no!eunet.no!nuug!EU.net!howland.reston.ans.net!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!uwm.edu!mixcom.com!Joseph.Betz From: Joseph Betz Subject: 1994 a.t. survey results 0/7 Message-ID: <1994Jul18.164139.22096@mixcom.mixcom.com> Sender: sswwss@mixcom.mixcom.com (Joseph Betz) Organization: Milwaukee Internet Xchange BBS, Milw, WI (414) 241-5469 Date: Mon, 18 Jul 1994 16:41:39 GMT Lines: 51 Hi-ho, a.t.ers! And now, for the moment that no one has been waiting for; The results from the 1994 Comprehensive a.t. survey are in! (and the crowd.....goes wild.....yay) The results are posted in seven (yes, 7) separate articles, each labelled: 1994 a.t. survey results ?/7 They are as follows: 1/7 Gender, height/weight, age, hair & eye color, etc. 2/7 Answers to the question "Describe the most disgusting physical abnormality to be found on your body". 3/7 Answers to ALL of your pressing toilet questions. 4/7 Answers to the question "When I'm not reading alt.tasteless, you'll find me..." 5/7 Answers to the "boy" questions. 6/7 Answers to the "girl" questions. 7/7 Brief stats. In case you don't like humor, but do want dry, dull statistics on asswiping for your next term paper. Now you know why it took so fucking long. Enjoy. -- **************************************************************************** * Joseph.Betz@mixcom.com | Wisconsin - Behind the Cheese Curtain * **************************************************************************** Newsgroups: alt.tasteless Path: diku!news.uni-c.dk!sunic!trane.uninett.no!eunet.no!nuug!EU.net!howland.reston.ans.net!news.moneng.mei.com!uwm.edu!mixcom.com!Joseph.Betz From: Joseph Betz Subject: 1994 a.t. survey results 1/7 Message-ID: <1994Jul18.164218.22214@mixcom.mixcom.com> Sender: sswwss@mixcom.mixcom.com (Joseph Betz) Organization: Milwaukee Internet Xchange BBS, Milw, WI (414) 241-5469 Date: Mon, 18 Jul 1994 16:42:18 GMT Lines: 248 Alt.tasteless reader survey results, part one: [My comments will be contained in square brackets, just like this.] *************************************************************************** GENDER: ____Male ____Female ____Uncertain/No Opinion Of the 66 respondents to this question, 59 (89.4%) were male, 6 ( 9.1%) were female, and 1 ( 1.5%) was uncertain/no opinion *************************************************************************** SPECIES: ____Homosapien (Human) ____Frenchman ____Other (explain) All respondents were human, except for a few Frenchmen, who are genuine aberrations, so it would be redundant to call them statistical aberrations. 1 referred to herself as a "Twatypus" *************************************************************************** AGE: __________ Of the 67 Respondents, with a total combined age of: 1,844.63 years The Average age of a.t. readers was: 27.53 THE AGE OF THE OLDEST AT'ERS: Oldest: 50 Second: 47 Third : 44 (2-way tie) [All of the above are chilling examples of the "Live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking corpse" philosophy gone horribly awry. They forgot that the *key* to this lifestyle is: DIE YOUNG. Now it's too late to leave a good- looking corpse. But a.t. is richer for their continued survival.] YOUNGEST AT'ERS: 4 way tie at 18 years old. [Ahhh, the things we have to teach you, glasshoppa] *************************************************************************** WEIGHT (in pounds, please): _____________ Of 61 respondents, with a combined total tonnage of 11,273.60 pounds, the average weight was: 184.8 lb (83.6 kg) [several of the female respondents chose not to answer this question. One can only assume that they are ashamed of how horribly skinny they are.] Heaviest reported weight: 337 lb (Not including one who indicated a range (159 kg) of 300-350, who was calculated in at 325) Lightest reported weight: 125 lb [for chrissake, man: EAT SOMETHING!] (57 kg) *************************************************************************** HEIGHT (barefoot, in feet and inches): ____________ Total height of the 63 respondents: 373.43' (113.85m) Average height: 5' 11" (1.81m) Tallest a.t.'er: 6' 8" (2.03m) Shortest a.t.'er: 5' 3" (1.6m) *************************************************************************** EYES, COLOR: _________________ [Rather than go through the time-consuming process of sorting & compiling data on this rather moot point, I simply chose the best answers. They are:] ranges from pink to purple ----- Blue, Brown, And pinkish ----- Shit colour dim ----- 2 Brown; 2 transparent silicon ----- Shitty greenish-brown ----- fecal brown ----- *************************************************************************** EYES, QUANTITY: ___1 ___2 ___3 ___4 ___OTHER (explain) Of the 64 respondents, the breakdown is as follows: no reports of 1 eye :( 47 2-eyed critters 10 Chaucer readers (two optical eyes, one nether eye) 6 4 eyed-glasses wearers 1 4 eyed gent who included not only his nether eye, but his trouser eye *************************************************************************** HAIR: ___Yes ___No All of the 65 respondents to this question said that they DID in fact have hair on their head. *************************************************************************** HAIR COLOR: [Again, just picking the best answers:] ----- drek ----- shit brown ----- blonde/brown (involves bleach) ----- Red/Brown/Blond/Lime Green/Purple tips/???? I'm a member of the color of the month club. ----- Like Shirley Temple, only with more shit in it ----- *************************************************************************** HAIR LENGTH: [Once more, just the amusing ones] Short? Preppie? Yuppie? Kill me? ----- reaches down and goes back up my arse, so you could say that it's infinite. ----- To the big boil in the middle of my back ----- Long and curly on top, short and curly below. ----- scary ----- __________________________________________________ (about this long) ----- *************************************************************************** REGARDING HAIR IN ASSCRACKS, of 64 respondents, 58 (90.6%) DO have hairy asscracks. 5 ( 7.8%) DO NOT have hairy asscracks. 1 ( 1.6%) SHAVES his/her asscrack. The best description of asscrack hair returned by our respondents: "Like a million flies rubbing their forelegs together." *************************************************************************** LIST all body parts that have been pierced, or purposefully mutilated in some way: 15 people, myself included, have good-old-fashioned pierced ears. Other responses received include: My head had a 3 in diameter hole drilled in it. ----- Nice tattoo of a Griffin. Would make a nice lampshade. About the right size for a desk/reading lamp. ----- By me, ears. By others: Nose, feet, tit, leg, shoulder, tongue ----- large, brightly colored tattoo on back ----- Penis:- I had a pearl embedded into the skin (not foreskin) while on a pearl diving trip. Look cool, and drove the women crazy while being fucked by it. Unfortunately, I cut it out and gave it away to an ex (before I realized what it really meant to me). ----- Too many to list....besides they've all healed. ----- one ( 1 ) 'smiley' scar on left forearm ( smiley = heat the metal end bit of a cigarette lighter and then push into flesh. Done when drunk ) ----- ear (once to prove I could), foreskin (once, same reason), tattoo on arm ----- Keep trying to jerk off my ManTool(tm), but all I get is some white creamy stuff! ----- No pierce. Bad medicine. ----- *intentionally* pierced: 2 resealed punctures in left lobe (of ear) Unintentionally pierced: The Cocque(tm), a story that deserves a posting one of these days. [Yer goddamn RIGHT that deserves to be posted. Warm up that keyboard, son.] ----- Ha ha ha! only fat americans do such childish things! [Guess who?] ----- Circumcised at birth. But I still have my tonsils! ("Reacting with shock, ***** learns that his tonsils are not his own.") [Name blacked out to preserve anonymity] ----- Face (Bantu ritual scars, Rising Falcon configuration) ----- Double pierced ears. Sliced off top of left index finger, but the surgeon attached it back on. Damn. Do poorly cut toenails resulting in ingrowns count? Okay, poorly *chewed*. Three pins in left wrist. Mutilated (broken) hymen. ----- Right eyebrow. Healed over rather messily. ----- Well, there's that cigarette burn I put in my hand a coupla years ago. ----- Right thumb Damaged and missing portion of pad after a fireworks explosion ----- Mutilated: Right forearm (straight-razor); right shoulderblade (needle); crotch, above ManTool (S.O.'s fingernails (bitch)); left thigh (cigarettes) Pierced: Nothing now. ----- *************************************************************************** Continued... -- **************************************************************************** * Joseph.Betz@mixcom.com | Wisconsin - Behind the Cheese Curtain * **************************************************************************** Newsgroups: alt.tasteless Path: diku!news.uni-c.dk!sunic!trane.uninett.no!eunet.no!nuug!EU.net!howland.reston.ans.net!news.moneng.mei.com!uwm.edu!mixcom.com!Joseph.Betz From: Joseph Betz Subject: 1994 a.t. survey results 2/7 Message-ID: <1994Jul18.164258.22312@mixcom.mixcom.com> Sender: sswwss@mixcom.mixcom.com (Joseph Betz) Organization: Milwaukee Internet Xchange BBS, Milw, WI (414) 241-5469 Date: Mon, 18 Jul 1994 16:42:58 GMT Lines: 398 Here are the answers to the question: "Describe the most disgusting physical abnormality to be found on your body" [My comments are enclosed in square brackets, just like this sentence.] **************************************************************************** There are none. I am a fine specimen of what can come from working out and taking care of your body. [That's disgusting. You're a sick puppy.] ************ Nice benign (I hope) lumps on my testicles that let go periodically with 1-2 cc of pus. ************ The rare, scientific blob of pus that can be found directly on my chin. ************ I am deeply proud of something which looks like a scar on my dick. It's not really a scar, but something similar to a harelip, I have it since I was born (I think). It starts as an extension of this piece of skin joining the glans and the foreskin, and runs down my dick more or less straight, until it splits a little bit before reaching the nutsack. Yes, like a scar with the shape of a "Y". The two new branches are very small, but they are quite ugly. Maybe this is the reason why I have never been blown. ************ Choad was once caught in cables of exercise machine. It now has two, almost 90 degree bends and 180 degree twist. [I don't even care if you're making this up. *Wince* award winner] ************ I have this lovely permanent cyst on my back. I can barely reach it to squeeze it, so I can only drain a little at a time. My ex-gf once was persuaded to use a needle on it, then squeeze it. She got a thimbleful of *rancid* puss out before she refused to go on. Lately what little I've been able to drain has smelled normal, but I expect next time I persuade someone to hit it with a needle, the rancid part will make its presence known again... ************ I have this HUGE sebaceous cyst on my back. If I leave it alone for a couple of weeks, it grows to the size of a golfball. Then I squeeze it and get out great gobs of rancid fat. ************ This big lump of something on the side of my finger that doesn't like to be touched. It's not attached too well. My dad said "don't worry about it." ************ Loads and loads of hairy moles, chemical burn scar on upper lip. ************ I have a bacterial, blood infested sac above one of my front teeth. My virgin AT post will be about this wonderful body feature. [Sounds like a keeper...get typing] ************ My butt is large enough to cause lunar eclipses. My voice is worse (ask Chiesa), but it's not _on_ my body per se. ************ bald spot ************ That'd be those nasty callous' on my right foot. Yes. One on the big toe and one on the right side of the ball of the foot. Big nasty, painful callous' They stink too. They stink badly. Then again they just might be planter's warts... ************ I'm ashamed to admit that I have none. [As well you should be. Work on getting some scars.] ************ I have these wads of fat hanging under my armpits, a lot like a sumo wrestler. Also, my left ball hangs about an inch lower than the right. ************ I have a huge pimple in my ear that won't go away. It swells up and secretes sebum, making it very difficult to pop. When I do pop it, it oozes blood and greenish-yellow pus, which I clean up with a Q-tip covered with HO. ^^ [I assume that's H2O2 (hydrogen peroxide), and not a Q-tip covered with your woman] ************ I have a rather small penis accompanied by a large belly, and large accumulation of fat on my pelvis (sort of a mini belly). When at rest (which is most of the time) my penis draws up into my minibelly where it oozes sweat and cheese, all which ferments for hours in the heat of my body. When I piss, it smells as if a large school of fish or sea going mammals (take your pick) have died nearby. ************ 2 inch long scar along my left jawline. It was due to being hit by a car, while I was on foot, and hit my head against the ground. My pants, boots, jacket, and helmet were covered in blood from the incident, and I staggered around a bit, dripping blood all over myself and the pavement until someone told me I was bleeding. After being rushed to the hospital (well, not really rushed. The Concerned Citizen who was taking me to the hospital didn't know where it was!), I got to wait for 45 minutes while I filled out insurance forms and continued to bleed. When the doctor finally saw me, he spread the wound open and told me that I had very durable bones - they weren't cracked by the impact. I asked him how he knew, and he told my he was looking at my jawbone. He then grabbed a pair of tweezers and, very forcefully, dislodged a piece of gravel that had become impacted on the surface of the bone. I began to bleed more profusely. He cleaned me up, stitched me up, and sent me home. ************ My over-large foreskin, it's just too damn floppy. ************ The remains of my abdominal cyst. It never quite goes away, it just erupts every so often with smelly liquids. Sometimes it blows up like a balloon and starts to hurt. It is above and to the left of my hole. ************ 6 toes. ************ Occasionally leaky rectum. King-size skidmarks. Bizarre skin blotches that come and go, apparently harmless. Appear as bright red welts and patches. Surprises women the morning after, they think they've slept with a leper. ************ Huge tits (cups size 38DDD or even 40DDD, but the chest size itself is 34-36) which don't fit in any bras, much less in any swimsuit. [Braggart. You should be ashamed. Oh, and by the way: GIF!! GIF!!] ************ I have this mole on my cheek that has this fascinating way of growing really dark hairs at a rate ten times that of the rest of my face. The chicks love it. Whenever I'm fucked up on the above mentioned drug [acid] (as well as sober) I can't help but notice that my right eye is positioned about 1/4 of an inch above my left eye. What's really fun, though, is when I see the eye swim around on my face. ************ Goddamn long, thick, curly asscrack hair. It gets shaved once every two months, so my girlfriend will continue to tongue me. It accumulates a daily stench from copious amounts of dick sweat and remnants of any shit passing through. My nightly routine for cleansing consists of luring my cat to 'wash me'. She likes to clean my ass hair as she knows that she won't hork up any asshairballs later. ************ I recently had my toenails on each big toe spontaneously get sore, swell up a little, and become detached from the underlying skin! No, I didn't get both toes smashed by anything, they just got sore, and I discovered that a layer of old, festering blood had replaced the point of attachment between the underside of the nail and the skin! I opened up the area under each nail, squeezed out the pus/blood mixture, and proceeded to hack away the now unattached nail material. The skin underneath had become really strange, and I was able to remove almost all of the nail material so that I had *no* nails on each big toe! Got some really strange reactions while swimming! ************ My left arm got burned (by boiling water) when I was a 2 year old kid. The scar is still visible after two skin grafting operations (skin taken from both sides of my left thigh). ************ Teeth. Ragged and gnarly. Getting girls to let me go down, is a bitch ************ I have an extra claw on my right front paw. ************ I have some sort of skin disease on my hands that makes my fingers molt every now and then. Dunno what it is, though. ************ That would be the big vein that runs along the top of my schlong. ************ Ever seen photos of Io, Jupiter's moon? Well, I have as of this morning an outstanding example of a body zit on the outside side of my right arse cheek that bears a striking resemblance. ************ 1/4" Pencil lead trapped under skin on abdomen. Been there for years. [I'd like to hear the story of how it got there. Actually, I'd like to hear both the stories of how it got there (the truth, and what you told your doctor).] ************ I have a large (one and one-half inch) boil or some kind of pus creating object on my back. ************ The nail on the little toe of my left foot grows sideways. Other than that, I'm disgustingly normal, at least physically. [*sniff*, *sniff*. I'm sorry to hear that. But chin up! There's plenty of time to have a disfiguring accident in your middle age] ************ Ingrown toenail, infected, left big toe. It is > red, swollen, puss-oozing and emits an unpleasant, pungent scent > reminiscent of decaying animal matter. Possibly gangrenous. ************ lack of chest hair ************ Easy. My third nipple. Nothing notable about it. Just looks like another mole. ************ Choad. 27" long. Must be a penile tumor or something. ************ Excessive penile warts and hemorrhoids/piles. ************ That's a tough one. I have a number of moles, some of which grow big thick black hairs. I used to have grey teeth, but they have been capped. My eyes are slightly different sizes. I guess the worst part of my body is the fact my eyes are surrounded by very dark flesh. It makes me look like I am staring out of two black pits. When I get pimples around my eyes, the effect is beyond grotesque. ************ I asked my *fuck*, but he hasn't found any in the past six years, so I don't think I have one. [It's gonna be pretty hard to disguise this one] ************ that would have to be a big cauliflower-like mole just above and to the right of my tool. Also, my beer gut would have to qualify. ************ Uh.. does scoliosis count? [Only if it eventually results in a grotesque hump in your back, or if you end up walking stooped halfway to the ground, unable to move faster that 1/10 MPH. ************ A huge varicose vein on my left leg. Old girls get wild when they see it pumpin'. ************ Large scar running the length of my torso right down the middle. Gained in series of operations due to cancer. [No shit? How'd the treatment go?] ************ Permanently split left forefinger nail, from driving nail from nailgun thru it in 1973. [Must be a military thing. I knew a SSG in the reserves who had done this. He also was working under his car years earlier when the jack slipped and pinned his head between the ground and the axle. His right ear was only about an inch long, and nicely mutilated] Purple scar from accident involving CH-46, on left leg ************ The scar that runs from under my right nipple around my torso, ending at my spine. Result of surgery when I was 7. Quite tasteless actually; they removed a largish tumor from around my spine and ribcage. I wish it had happened when I was older so that I could have asked to look at it. I used to have a strange lump on it which is now, unfortunately, gone. It just disappeared one day while I was swimming. Always wondered where it went. ************ Wil Wheaton ************ On the back of my skull, I have a bony growth from cranial fusing as a toddler. [Cool! Birth defects are cool, heh-heh-heh, huh-huh-huh] ************ Webbed feet... ****** I have a scar on my leg, where a chunk of flesh once was, and I can stick a pin into it and walk around without feeling it :) [sounds like great fun at parties] ****** Two things: I've got this mole on my right tricep, there is this long black hair that insists on growing out of it. Also, my anus itches all of the time. ****** Disgusting greyish, blobby scars all over left ass-cheek. Caused by bout with Shingles. Recurrent pain hits it every month or so and forces me to stand. ****** My feet are pretty gross all around. First, they're FLAT and always have been. There's NO ARCH WHATSOEVER. I think I was between fifteen and twenty years old when I realized that the reason people always drew footprints as having concave insteps, was because that was the way most people's feet were shaped. Me, I've always left fully-filled-in, straight- or even CONVEX-instepped prints, and that was MY mental model for the quintessential "footprint shape." Second, from my mother I've inheri- ted a susceptibility to fungal infections of the skin and related struc- tures. Mom's "big toe" nails have been a quarter inch thick, and dark gray to black in color, for the past twenty-five years, and although mine aren't nearly THAT bad, they do produce a good amount of cheesy toenail-smeg that I have to trowel out periodically to let the nails drop back into their proper beds in the tops of my toes. But perhaps the crowning glory of my fungal symbionts is a masterful case of Ath- lete's foot which is now in (let me see here...) its twentieth year. On a "good" day, when I've been diligent with the Desenex for a few weeks, the soles and sides of my feet are merely pocked with small "rings" of peely epidermis. On a "bad" day, when I've slacked off on the Desenex and have been picking at the li'l "flaps" of peely skin, a typical patch of sole or outstep is a crazy patchwork of deep, broad (say, 1/2 to 1 inch in diameter) pits oozing blood (making my socks stick and acquire permanent crusty stains), scabs, new-growth skin from a recently previous picking session, and crinkled old ready-to-fall-off flakes of less recent vintage. Incidentally, I pick at this stuff every chance I get, usually while watching TV or reading in bed; as a result, my coffee table and bedside table both tend to accumulate disgusting little (and sometimes not so little) piles of peeled foot-skin, which I frequently neglect to throw out for several days or even weeks. I have a morbid fascination with seeing how much peeled skin I can collect... [Every man needs a hobby...] ************ -- **************************************************************************** * Joseph.Betz@mixcom.com | Wisconsin - Behind the Cheese Curtain * **************************************************************************** Newsgroups: alt.tasteless Path: diku!news.uni-c.dk!sunic!trane.uninett.no!eunet.no!nuug!EU.net!howland.reston.ans.net!news.moneng.mei.com!uwm.edu!mixcom.com!Joseph.Betz From: Joseph Betz Subject: 1994 a.t. survey results 3/7 Message-ID: <1994Jul18.164332.22413@mixcom.mixcom.com> Sender: sswwss@mixcom.mixcom.com (Joseph Betz) Organization: Milwaukee Internet Xchange BBS, Milw, WI (414) 241-5469 Date: Mon, 18 Jul 1994 16:43:32 GMT Lines: 345 *************************************************************************** The last time I shit myself I was ____ years old. Of 51 respondents, 19.2 years old was the average. The oldest was: 40 The youngest was: 2 *************************************************************************** The last time I pissed myself I was ____ years old. Of 53 respondents, 15.33 years old was the average. The oldest was: 40 The youngest was: 3 *************************************************************************** ASSWIPING (check all that apply) I WIPE: ___Left-handed ___Right-handed ___Front to back ___Back to front ___Side to side (explain, in graphic detail) ___Sitting, reaching between legs ___Sitting, leaning to one side (Indicate direction of lean) ___LEFT ___RIGHT ___Standing ___Other (explain, using ASCII art as necessary) _____________________ Of 62 respondents who indicated one hand or another, 51 (82.3%) were righties 8 (12.9%) were lefties 3 ( 4.8%) were ambidextrous Of 58 respondents who chose a direction, 32 (55.2%) wiped front to back 14 (24.1%) wiped back to front 10 (17.2%) wiped front-to-back then back-to-front 2 ( 3.5%) wiped side to side Of the 62 respondents who indicated wiping posture, 29 (46.8%) sat, leaning to the left 6 ( 9.7%) sat, leaning to the right 10 (16.1%) sat, reaching between legs 12 (19.3%) stood 4 ( 6.5%) sat first, then-stood 1 ( 1.6%) squatted In this category (wiping), the following interesting responses were submitted: ------ [Voted most likely to get chicks in a.t.] I WIPE: Wipe? That's what yer skivvies is for ain't it? ------ I am one of those half and halves. I start sitting, leaning, going front to back. Then, after the biggest shit stains are gone, I stand and finish the rest of the wiping. ------ [A true renaissance man] I WIPE: X___Left-handed X___Front to back X___Sitting, reaching between legs X___Sitting, leaning to one side (Indicate direction of lean) ___LEFT _X__RIGHT X___Standing X___Other (explain, using ASCII art as necessary) _sometimes I just don't wipe and wash in the shower. ------ [Now here's someone who has devoted ENTIRELY too much time to pondering and honing his technique] I WIPE: _X__Right-handed _X__Front to back _X__Back to front _X__Sitting, leaning to one side (Indicate direction of lean) _X__LEFT _X__Other (explain, using ASCII art as necessary) I have discovered that the first couple attempts are best performed by approaching the anus from directly below with a pinching motion and pulling away from my assring. This effectively removes any really large clumps which have stubbornly refused to leave my hairy ass, and hopefully prevents them from winding up smeared all over my fucking backside. Another unusual step in my wiping procedure is to bear down slightly while making a pass across my anus. This helps to remove material just under the inside lip of my ring. Both my girlfriend and I perform this ritual religiously as a courtesy. We both enjoy being tongued. On occasion where I have manually determined her rectum to be clear of any logs, I will bury my tongue up her ass. ------ : _X_Side to side (explain, in graphic detail) Kind of use a diagonal wipe from left to right, back to front ------ I WIPE: Once a year, in the fall, my kind mother washes my ass for me. ------ I WIPE: occasionally Standing, sometimes calling out for a nurse. Most of the time I'm hunched over because the blood has trouble getting to my head when I've been sitting down for a long strenuous dump ------ Side to side (explain, in graphic detail) From left to right reaching deeply into the crack to make sure mr. pinky is clean. ------ [Helpful hints & tips for beginners] I often spit into the toilet paper for extra cleaning power, if the shit bonds particularly well. ------ [Quite thorough, this one. Leaves herself clean enough to be a serving tray] : _x__Left-handed : _x__Right-handed : _x__Front to back : _x__Back to front : _x__Sitting, reaching between legs : _x__Other (explain, using ASCII art as necessary) First the asshole with short strokes from back to front, then the pisshole with short strokes from front to back, then both with long strokes in both directions. ------ After I use the cat box, I *always* lick myself clean. ------ Other (explain, using ASCII art as necessary) Often, in the event of a really bad skidmark, I frequently find it necessary to work "in from the outer edge" in a series of pseudo-Archimedean spiral strokes not unlike the pattern of dots in the yellow part of a daisy: --. "\ : v \ ) \|/ / ,--> -o- <--' / /|\ ( \ T : \_ """" [Interesting...the same technique used for spot cleaning carpeting] ------ [And the obligatory:] All of the above? ------ *************************************************************************** REGARDING TOILET PAPER, I: ___Fold it neatly around my hand, wipe, fold, wipe, fold, wipe... ___Fold it neatly, wipe, blow my nose, blot my lipstick, toss... ___Bunch it up, wipe, toss; grab some more, bunch it up... ___Don't use any because I'm French. ___Other (explain) Of the 64 respondents, 9 (14.1%) Fold around hand 3 ( 4.7%) Fold, but NOT around hand 5 ( 7.8%) Fold, wipe, blow nose, etc. 1 ( 1.5%) Fold & eat __ 18 (28.1%) TOTAL FOLDERS 36 (56.3%) Bunch it up, wipe 3 ( 4.7%) Combination fold & bunch 1 ( 1.5%) Don't use any because I'm french 6 ( 9.4%) Other (see below) ------ fold, add bread, spread grey poupon, eat. ------ Standard T.P. is for wimps! I use 80 grit Carborundum paper! Keeps the 'rhoids alert! [80 grit? Wuss! REAL men use 40 grit on a 3x24" belt sander. (Makita and DeWalt make good sanders for this purpose. Strong dust collection systems.] ------ Sometimes I use a wooden stick or a piece of rock ------ Look. For a long time. Check for blood. Toss. Flush. ------ Due to the delicate nature of my swinging piles, I use a soft cloth. It ends up in a bin, the contents of which are washed every 14 days. ------ use it to blow my nose. Molten shit like mine usually seals up the crack itself, like Mauna Loa. ------ BELOW are some comments received: ------ Modified wadder. When I remember, I loop some of the wad around my thumb and use my first two fingers to apply pressure to the saliva-moistened paper. When I forget, I get to lick my thumb clean. ------ Saute with ginger, garlic and peanut M&M's ------ when I run out of toilet paper, I peel some cardboard off the inside of the tube ------ In public toilets, I throw rolls of toilet paper (unused) on the head of the person in the stalls next to me. That's why I usually just lurk in a.t. A real posting a.t'er would have thrown the used paper. ------ I usually use the hand-held shower, too. I hold it between my legs with my left hand and dry my ass holding some more folded toilet paper in my right hand again. ------ [A certain frog we know and love...] We don't use paper to clean our toilets, we don't use them. Oh, I see, I was supposed to check the above selection [Don't use any because I'm French]. Sorry Mr. spunk-head. ------ I may be French but hell, that doesn't mean I'm not sentimental. I like to save mementos as much as the next guy... ------ Sometimes I just skip it altogether and hop straight into the shower. (SH)It washes off. ------ *************************************************************************** IN my humble opinion, toilet seats should remain ___UP ___DOWN when not in use. Of the 55 respondents expressing a preference, 36 (65.5%) want the seat left UP 19 (34.5%) want the seat left DOWN [In a disturbing trend toward sensitive-new-age-guyism, SEVERAL male a.t.'ers voted DOWN. I can only assume that they've been married too long, or that they're trying too hard to get laid using the ineffective "Look how nice I am, please fuck me" method"] Several expressed no opinion, or contributed interesting comments, such as: ------ In my world-shaking opinion, people waste WAY TOO MUCH FUCKING TIME WORRYING about which way toilet seats are left. The human race as a whole has a major psychological disturbance, an anal/fecal/toilet fixation. So do I, but at least I -admit- it. ------ DOWN Note: How better to piss on the seats? (And act ignorant later?) ------ UP When there are no wimminfolk to impress with my sensitivity to their needs. DOWN when their are wimminfolk around who know who used the toilet last. DOWN with saran wrap under the seat when there are wimminfolk around who cannot prove who used the toilet last. ------ DOWN Ever fallen into the toilet?! [Yes, twice as a matter of fact. When I was 4, I fell in whilst preparing for a rough day at Kindergarten. I whimpered and whined and cried and blamed *everybody* except myself. Ever since then, I've had the common sense to LOOK before I sit down. Then once again when I was 28. I said "shit", and laughed at myself for being stupid enough to sit down without looking.] ------ Neither....I prefer to deinstall. ------ I don't care. I hate toilets. They encourage people to waste their precious digestive by-products. ------ Rip those suckers off and burn them! Toilet seats, like .T.P, are for wimps ------ UP I like the "eager to receive" motif. ------ Don't care. Depends on if there are chickies around whom I wish to piss off. ------ on the wall, framing a portrait of the President. ------ *************************************************************************** continued... -- **************************************************************************** * Joseph.Betz@mixcom.com | Wisconsin - Behind the Cheese Curtain * **************************************************************************** Newsgroups: alt.tasteless Path: diku!news.uni-c.dk!sunic!trane.uninett.no!eunet.no!nuug!EU.net!howland.reston.ans.net!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!uwm.edu!mixcom.com!Joseph.Betz From: Joseph Betz Subject: 1994 a.t. survey results 4/7 Message-ID: <1994Jul18.164402.22546@mixcom.mixcom.com> Sender: sswwss@mixcom.mixcom.com (Joseph Betz) Organization: Milwaukee Internet Xchange BBS, Milw, WI (414) 241-5469 Date: Mon, 18 Jul 1994 16:44:02 GMT Lines: 144 *************************************************************************** When I'm not reading alt.tasteless, you'll find me: ___Driving through the countryside, scouting for roadkill and masturbating furiously.v ___Reading alt.sex.stories, and masturbating furiously. ___Reading rec.pets.*, and masturbating furiously. ___Other________________________________and masturbating furiously. 19 Driving through the countryside, scouting for roadkill and masturbating furiously. 14 Reading alt.sex.stories, and masturbating furiously. 4 Reading rec.pets.*, and masturbating furiously. 1 Reading alt.sex.bondage, and masturbating furiously. 1 Reading rec.guns, and masturbating furiously. 1 Reading alt.revenge and masturbating furiously. 3 masturbating furiously. Some of the more interesting responses contributed: When I'm not reading alt.tasteless, you'll find me: ------ ASLEEP ------ What? When NOT reading alt.tasteless? What are you talking about? Oh yeah, now I know. Drinking beer. ------ programming a CM5 and masturbating furiously. ------ I travel the Wyoming countryside, looking for roadkill to experiment with and have accumulated vast volumes of culinary delights. Am currently perfecting Raccoon Ratatouille. ------ Reading my textbooks on the care and treatment of burn patients or the Journal of Forensic Sciences and masturbating furiously. ------ Peeping in the neighbor's window (She's 65 and weighs 300 lbs) and masturbating furiously. ------ Doing grunt work for my customers, gardening, beating the snot out of clueless wankstains, shooting, and masturbating furiously. ------ Picking at my infested tooth sac or fantasizing about popping my infested tooth sac and masturbating furiously. ------ Other Contemplating Aedo's butt and masturbating furiously. ^^^^^^ [No Chris, I'm not gonna tell you who this is. I'm not even gonna tell you the gender.] ------ Playing Foosball, and masturbating furiously. Playing Chess, " " " ------ Who knows, and masturbating furiously. ------ drinking coffee, smoking dope, and masturbating furiously. ------ Other Reading "Penthouse Letters"and masturbating furiously. ------ Other With my woman and masturbating HER furiously. ------ Other reading, surfing, studying, drinking and masturbating furiously. ------ Other Doing fieldwork and masturbating furiously. ------ Reading about sex killers and masturbating furiously. Walking around town at lunch, watching all the business women strutting around in their tight red business suits and masturbating furiously. ------ Reading a Finnish high school math (honor math only) textbooks and masturbating furiously. ------ Replying to crap like this and masturbating furiously. ------ Other Splurting liquishit out my ass, fantasizing about fresh foetus casserole, and masturbating furiously. ------ Other and masturbating furiously. ------ When not jacking off to a.t, I yank it to Playboy, the Joy of Sex (I love those illustrations!), The Art of Sensual Massage (a British volume purchased in used book store, with homely Brit models), and the occasional late-night-in-the- office alt.sex-stories whack. ------ Other Drinking, smoking,and masturbating furiously. ------ Other fantasizing about sticking a pinecone up Winona Ryder's rectum and masturbating furiously. ------ Masturbating my father and brothers and masturbating furiously. ------ Pawing through my collection of Margaret Thatcher photos and masturbating furiously. (I save the photos of Golda Meir for special occasions like Passover.) ------ Using MindLink! CHAT, reading Town and Country, or stalking young girls, and masturbating furiously. ------ watching the Disney channel and masturbating furiously. ------ Hunting and killing animals of all sorts, and masturbating furiously. ------ Wishing I was not in treatment and masturbating furiously. ------ Fucking, and masturbating furiously. ------ Pretending I'm an engineering student and masturbating someone else furiously. ------ Looking at pictures of pre-teen girls and masturbating furiously. ------ Drinking coffee and masturbating furiously. ------ Ringing for the nurse and masturbating furiously. ------ Shooting barney dolls, pictures, or people dressed up as the purple pedophile and masturbating furiously. ------ shooting things and masturbating furiously. ------ Picking my nose and eating the snot, shitting whenever I get the chance, playing my bass and (of course) masturbating furiously. ------ Reading Uncle Remus and masturbating furiously. ------ Working as a humble accountant...and masturbating furiously. ------ Watching my girlfriend masturbate and masturbating furiously. ------ Downloading a.b.p.tasteless stuff and masturbating furiously. ------ Going to church and masturbating furiously on the deacon's wife. ------ _General_hacking_on_some_kind_of_computer_ and masturbating furiously. ------ -- **************************************************************************** * Joseph.Betz@mixcom.com | Wisconsin - Behind the Cheese Curtain * **************************************************************************** Newsgroups: alt.tasteless Path: diku!news.uni-c.dk!sunic!trane.uninett.no!eunet.no!nuug!EU.net!howland.reston.ans.net!news.moneng.mei.com!uwm.edu!mixcom.com!Joseph.Betz From: Joseph Betz Subject: 1994 a.t. survey results 5/7 Message-ID: <1994Jul18.164430.22645@mixcom.mixcom.com> Sender: sswwss@mixcom.mixcom.com (Joseph Betz) Organization: Milwaukee Internet Xchange BBS, Milw, WI (414) 241-5469 Date: Mon, 18 Jul 1994 16:44:30 GMT Lines: 306 *************************************************************************** DICK SIZE, measured from base, underside, to tip (inches, please) ______ Of 37 males responding, 6.56" was the average schween length. The largest reported choad was 12", but included the following comment: "(ok, so I started measuring from my sphincter)" I set about to determine the actual choad size of this individual, not by taste or touch, or by visual inspection, but by measuring the distance between the base of _my_ schlong and my sphincter, determining what the percentage difference between someone of my height and weight and someone of _his_ height and weight would be, and factoring that into the equation. The result? After hours of careful measuring & calculations, I can report that I've been out of school far too long to remember how to do these sorts of percentage equations. The _smallest_ reported dicksize was: NAAAAH... I'll let you wonder. *************************************************************************** I ___AM ___AM NOT circumcised. Of the 36 respondents, 27 (75%) were circumcised. 9 (25%) were not circumcised. *************************************************************************** My choad hangs ___LEFT ___RIGHT ___STRAIGHT UP ___STRAIGHT DOWN Of the 37 respondents, 22 (59.5%) hang left 11 (29.7%) hang right 3 ( 8.1%) hang straight down 1 ( 2.7%) hang? straight up *************************************************************************** I masturbate ___LEFT HANDED ___RIGHT HANDED ___AMBIDEXTROUS Of the 39 respondents, 24 (61.5%) Wank right handed 7 (18.0%) Wank left handed 8 (20.5%) Wank Ambidextrous *************************************************************************** I ___HAVE ___HAVE NOT been known to wear my girlfriends' underwear. Of 38 respondents, 17 (44.7%) have packed their pistols in their squeezes silky drawers. 21 (55.3%) have not (or won't admit it) Judging by the volume of those who admitted it who went on to disclaim "But just as a joke", "Only for a few seconds", etc., I think this was the most likely category to lie through ones teeth when answering. But I can't prove it, so the results stand as reported. *************************************************************************** I ___HAVE ___HAVE NOT abraded, torn, or otherwise injured my dick while masturbating. Of the 38 respondents, 30 (78.9%) have busted it up 8 (21.1%) have not. Describe injury:________________________________________________________ [Rather than boil this fountain of tastelessness down to dry statistics, I'll let the boys speak for themselves] ------ I have found that too much dry wanking will cause a small tear on the skin of my dick. This was a period in high school when I had popped my cherry, but wasn't getting laid. 3 or 4 times at various points in the day. Always dry (hadn't thought about lotion yet). ------ Usually (yes more than once) a skin abrasion. ------ Little wounds caused by friction with the nails. ------ Wanking furiously sans lube, left a painful sore on my glans that weeped for days. ------ friction burns ------ abrasion to head of glans. scabbing. ------ abrasions to the glans (sore for weeks after a heavy session) ------ wanked a blister on it, then popped the blister wanking. ------ minor scrapes ------ Raised a blister on Mr Happy's purple helmet through excessive friction. Also rubbed raw a few times. After years of practice this hasn't happened in quite a while. ------ Blood blister from jagging to hard, about 1 cm in diameter ------ My shaft was bleeding slightly by the time I got done one afternoon in the basement of a certain NYC adult bookstore ------ Massive Blistering while living on Marshall Islands in the south pacific. There was really nothing else to do, but jack off. Once, I tried masturbating with Heet (muscle rub), and it hurt like hell. ------ 1/8 inch circular spot. Speaking of injuries, I once lost a *large* spot of skin, about the size of a half dollar, on my dick. Hadn't fucked in 18 months and in the course of a weekend and through a new bottle of ASTROGLIDE, I managed to fuck this gal about 13 times. Only problem was that somewhere around the 10th or 11th time, things got a little dry... The real problem set in over the next week. I used a dab of anti-bacterial ointment on a 3" square piece of medical gauze, taped around the shaft of my cock. I worried constantly about standing at the urinal with this piece of gauze around my cock, pissing, and having some fag at the neighboring urinal lean over on my side and view this medical nightmare in my hands. Needless to say, we refrained from sex a whole week, while she learned how to walk again and my cock healed... Not fun. Especially since it had been 18 months of celibacy prior to this weekend. I also re-blew out a hernia during this weekend from some of the funky positions we were in. Told the folks, I did it lifting boxes... ------ plain blisters, no big deal ------ Small skin tears from overzealous wanking ------ fingernails too sharp. ------ Abrasions, from lack of lubrication (fifth time masturbating that day, *really* wanted the record) [Not even *close*, pal. (slipping into 90-year-old man mode) "Why when I was a lad of fourteen..."] ------ Chafed and reddish-inflamed skin around base of glans. ------ A nasty, lingering rug-burn type of wound on the right side of my crank, directly below the glans. It dripped clear pus for days bonding it to my underwear, necessitating painful ripping each night when I took them off. ------ Started masturbating with a large grain of sand/very small pebble under the foreskin. Ouch! The fucker bled, and it took a week for it to heal. ------ harsh abrasions from roughhanding ------ Occasionally wear off skin underneath the glans on the right side during periods of intense and frequent masturbation. Hurts like a bitch, especially when I keep trying to yank Mr. Willy. ------ Let's just say that it involved broken glass and leave it at that. [Let's not. I wanna hear EVERYTHING about this.] ------ Horrid rips and tears from too much wanky wanky. Scabs formed. It was truly frightening and ugly as sin. ------ Abrasions from a particular wankfest ------ Simple case of Bent-Dick Syndrome ------ Masturbating SO furiously that the whole skin surface of my choad became abraded and sore to the touch for several days thereafter. (My legs hurt for several days too, from tensing them real hard during the procedure.) Has happened twice in the past six months or so. ------ *************************************************************************** I ___HAVE ____HAVE NOT masturbated in public (i.e. in such place as I might get caught by someone other than my mom or my wifecritter). Of the 38 respondents, 35 (92.1%) have yanked it in a public place 3 ( 7.9%) have not. *************************************************************************** When masturbating, I use the following (check all that apply): ___Water-based personal lubricant (K-Y Jelly) ___Petroleum based lubricant (Vaseline, Castrol 10-W-40, melted plastic, etc.) ___Lye based drain cleaning products ___Hand or skin care lotion Indicate brand of preference:____________ ___Dead furry things (stoles, hats, etc.) ___Live furry things (moles, cats, etc.) ___My own shit ___Someone else's shit ___My own piss ___Someone else's piss ___Dick Cheese (Smegma) ___Other_________________________________________________ ___Nothing. I'm a _real_ man. I roughhand it. We had 39 respondents to this question, and of course most of them chose more than one, so percentages won't add up to 100 Of the 39, 1 (2.6%) used K-Y 30 (76.9%) roughhanded their Hypolabic needle. 9 (23.1%) used (or at least had tried) petroleum lubricants. 15 (38.5%) used hand lotion (List of favorites below) 2 Jergens 1 Lubriderm 1 Schwartzcopf (spelling?) 3 Vaseline Intensive Care Hand lotion (It doesn't lose its viscosity at high temperature.) 1 I've used 'em all 1 Skin-So-Soft, from Avon 2 Nivea. (Highly recommended.) 4 (10.3%) Dead furry things (stoles, hats, etc.) 4 (10.3%) Live furry things (moles, cats, etc.) [One gent had this to say]: First time I ever came, I was rubbing up against my dog, who wasn't too pleased to be covered in sticky fluid 4 (10.3%) My own piss 2 ( 5.1%) Someone else's piss 2 ( 5.1%) My own shit 1 ( 2.6%) Someone else's shit 1 ( 2.6%) Dick Cheese (Smegma) Among the "OTHER" answers received: ------ Handful of sudsy soap in the shower. ------ napkins ( sometimes magazines) ------ My own saliva. Best when Lungbutter is available as a ------ none of the above except soap and spit, ------ someone else's hand ------ Margarine ( it's the only thing the dog would even consider ) ------ Good, old fashioned Saliva. Mayonnaise. Vaginal juices. ------ tears ------ Spooge from the last time ------ SOCKS ------ My own spooge ------ Good ol vaginal secretions ------ none (lube not required when you're intact, koshercock.) ------ "Whatever comes to hand..." ------ *************************************************************************** I ___DO ___DO NOT have a regular (as opposed to unleaded) spooge receptacle. Of 37 respondents, 15 (40.5%) Have been burden^H^H^H^H^H^Hblessed with a GF, SO, or other warm, fleshy structure into which to pump the juices of life. 22 (59.5%) Do not currently have someone yelling at him to put the seat down. *************************************************************************** I have had _______ (number) spooge receptacles in my lifetime. If all respondents are taken into account, the average a.t.er has had 46.4 spooge receptacles in his life. Relax, though. You're probably not *that* far behind the game. If we eliminate the top two, then the average drops to 6.7 SRs per guy, a much more realistic statistic for most of us (and a damn sight easier to pick up, feed, and "entertain") *************************************************************************** -- **************************************************************************** * Joseph.Betz@mixcom.com | Wisconsin - Behind the Cheese Curtain * **************************************************************************** Newsgroups: alt.tasteless Path: diku!news.uni-c.dk!sunic!trane.uninett.no!eunet.no!nuug!EU.net!howland.reston.ans.net!news.moneng.mei.com!uwm.edu!mixcom.com!Joseph.Betz From: Joseph Betz Subject: 1994 a.t. survey results 6/7 Message-ID: <1994Jul18.164514.22809@mixcom.mixcom.com> Sender: sswwss@mixcom.mixcom.com (Joseph Betz) Organization: Milwaukee Internet Xchange BBS, Milw, WI (414) 241-5469 Date: Mon, 18 Jul 1994 16:45:14 GMT Lines: 481 *************************************************************************** My first menses came at age ____. Of 5 respondents, the average age was 11.4 The highest age: 13 The lowest age : 10 I was ___PREPARED AND INFORMED ___WOEFULLY MISGUIDED AND SHOCKED. 3 were Prepared and informed, 1 was Prepared, informed, calm, and smug 1 was delighted *************************************************************************** I ___DO ___DO NOT regularly shave my pubes. Indicate ___BALD ___PATTERNS ___INITIALS OF BOYFRIEND 3 of 5 Do Not regularly shave, but then there were these two: ------ I irregularly shave my pubes. I regularly shave my belly. ------ I do not regularly shave my pubes. I have no qualms about others performing the task on me, however. ------ *************************************************************************** I prefer ___PADS ___TAMPONS ___DRIBBLING DOWN MY LEG. 2 of 5 liked tampons (Tampax mentioned by name), 1 of 5 liked pads (Always - "has a nice ring to it") 1 preferred "licking up my feminine discharges." 1 preferred "small furry animals stuck up my twat." My brand of choice is: 8 week old kittens. Then we had our female impersonator, who gave us: "PUTTING IN A CORK, THEN HAVING THE BOYS JUMP ON MY STOMACH, AND SEE HOW FAR IT'LL FLY." *************************************************************************** I have been treated for the following at one time or another: ___CRABS ___YEAST ___WARTS ------ YEAST ------ YEAST Whatta joy that was! But I saved my Monostat applicator, if anyone needs a good tasteless gift idea... ------ YEAST (as we speak, in fact) WARTS ------ Leprosy ------ [And again, our female impersonator]: FLIES MEALBUGS ------ *************************************************************************** I Masturbate: ___ ONCE A WEEK ___ TWICE A WEEK ___ ONCE A DAY ___ TWICE A DAY ___ OTHER If other, give frequency and explain why: ------ 88.7 MHz [Ho ho, I get it! Frequency! Ah, hahaha] ------ OTHER Don't count, but a couple of times a month. ------ TWICE A WEEK ------ I Masturbate all day long, when I'm in heat. ------ ONCE A DAY But if I get aid, I don't masturbate. ------ OTHER: My *fuck* keeps me worn raw as it is. ------ *************************************************************************** When I masturbate, I use: ___A dildo (vibrating type) ___A.C. (Specify voltage_____) ___D.C. (Specify battery size____) ___My fingers (Specify which ones________________________________) ___Kitchen utensils (ginsu knives, waffle irons, salad tongs, etc.) ___Elbow length haz/mat gloves ___Fruits & vegetables (kiwis, pineapples, lettuce, etc.) ___All of the above ------ My fingers (right hand fingers) ------ My fingers (Specify which ones_oh, which do you think?! A screwdriver handle! ------ When I masturbate, I use dead human bodies, preferably those of California politicians. ------ My fingers Middle finger on right hand as implement. Middle and index finger on left hand as spreaders ------ Assorted Black and Decker products ------ *************************************************************************** To enhance masturbation, I stimulate myself: ___VISUALLY (watch porn videos, etc.) ___AURALLY (listen to music, recordings of car accidents, etc.) ___ORALLY (chew on tampon applicators, haz/mat gloves, etc.) ___TACTILEY (rub nipples, pluck nose hairs, do nails) ___ALL OF THE ABOVE ___OTHER (explain, slowly and descriptively, using words like "heaving", "gasping", "waves of pleasure racking my body", etc.): ------ TACTILEY (rub nipples, pluck nose hairs, do nails) ------ OTHER Just the twisted, heaving visions of my sick little mind. ------ To enhance masturbation, I watch videos of Nature. ------ AURALLY (listen to music, recordings of car accidents, etc.) OTHER (explain, slowly and descriptively, using words like "heaving", "gasping", "waves of pleasure racking my body", etc.): Masturbation is enhanced greatly when I have some man's heaving and gasping choad plunging into my body. ------ On a large dick, preferably attached to a good sized mammal of some sort. ------ VEHICULARLY ------ *************************************************************************** I ___DO ___DO NOT have a life-sized nude photo of Roy Orbison stapled to the ceiling over my bed. If not, explain: 5 of our respondents reported that they DIDN'T have a Roy poster above their bed. I was shocked and confused. Here are their explanations: ------ Like live guys and not dead ones. ------ I prefer late-model Elvis. Anyone have a picture? ------ He's not quite hairy enough. ------ My picture of Keanu Reeves takes up that place. [Now THAT'S tasteless] ------ All of my ceiling space is taken up by my life-sized nude photo of Chris Farley [Well, THAT'S certainly tasteless] ------ [But then we had one respondent who wrote]: "I love Roy Orbison. I wear black on the anniversary of his death every year. I had a poster, but I tore it into small pieces and ate it so I could be closer to him. As I shat the poster out, I felt as if it was his love moving inside me." *************************************************************************** Regarding My Breasts, QUANTITY: ___0 (explain, then skip remaining breast questions) ___1 (explain) ___2 ___3 (explain, post GIF and phone number) 3 of 5 reported 2 breasts 1 reported 3 1 reported 8 The female impersonator reported 3 Explain here: The woman with 8 titties: I tend to have large litters. The woman with 3 titties: Huge. big. gonzongas. Great waves of breast. The female impersonator: I'm only an hour's drive from the Trinity Site, OK? *************************************************************************** SIZE AND SUPPORT REQUIREMENTS: ___Aspirins on a Board / Support needed only for my ego ___Within normal human range: bra size ____ ___Industrial strength (reinforced) bra required ___They haven't invented the bra that can save me from "Cooper's Droop", (The gravity-induced condition that turns breasts into plumblines) ------ Within normal human range: bra size 36D ------ Within normal human range: bra size B ------ Within normal human range: bra size 38D ------ Within normal human range: bra size biggish "C". ------ "National Geographic" Special ------ *************************************************************************** APPROX. WEIGHT OF BREASTS: ------ Left: _1_ lbs. ___ oz. Jiggling may or may not be a Right: _1_ lbs. ___ oz. 'scientific' weight indicator ------ Fuck if I know! ------ I have no idea. I believe they are about 3lbs each. ------ Left: 3 lbs? Right: 3 lbs? ------ Left: _9_ lbs. _12_ oz. (at birth) Right: _3_ lbs. _6_ oz. (premature) Middle: 2 stones ------ *************************************************************************** TEXTURE: ___Watery (pour into my armpits when I lie on my back) ___Doughy (finger marks take ____ seconds to disappear) ___Tennis balls (implants ___ Y ___ N) If yes, type of implant used: ___Other (explain): ------ Doughy ------ Doughy (finger marks take __1_ second to disappear) ------ Furry. ------ Doughy ------ Other (explain): Firm yet soft and yielding, good solid pack without being too hard. Muscles underneath make them pop out a little. (gotta start going easy on that lat bar) ------ Tennis balls (implants _+_ Y ___ N) If yes, type of implant used: bionic ------ *************************************************************************** NIPPLES: Color: ___Tan ___Pink ___Purple ___Brown ___Other (explain): ------ Pink ------ Pink ------ A delicate peachy-pink. My best feature. ------ Pink ------ paisley ------ ********** Size: ___small ___medium ___large ___like a cow ------ medium ------ medium ------ small ------ medium ------ like Aunt Jemima ------ ********** SENSITIVITY: ___Wouldn't notice mousetraps ___Would notice, and enjoy, mousetraps ___ Photo available (Yes/No) ___Bite 'em, but don't use mousetraps ___Nibble 'em, but don't bite 'em ___Lick 'em, but don't nibble 'em ___Tongue only, please ___I come like a wildcat just from going braless ------ Bite 'em, but don't use mousetraps ------ I always enjoy suckling my litters. ------ Would notice, and enjoy, jumper cables ------ Tongue only, please I come like a wildcat just from going braless ------ Nibble 'em, but don't bite 'em ------ Would notice, and enjoy, mousetraps Nibble 'em, but don't bite 'em ------ ********** Areolae: Color: ___Tan ___Pink ___Purple ___Brown ___Pus yellow ___Other (explain): ------ Pink ------ Other (explain): varicose ------ ********** Size: ___small ___medium ___large ------ medium ------ small ------ Coffee Can ------ ********** My favorite thing about my breasts is: ------ The really cool zits that sometimes show up between them and make a nice cracking sound when they pop. That and having the cyst aspirated when I was 14 ------ When I'm suckling a litter, I'm twice as hungry. ------ They are huge. And one guy was able to make me cum from just playing with them, but he moved back to nebraska. ------ Really soft skin... velvety soft, you know? I think my nipples are really cute. I've always thought huge nips were gross. [Excuse the survey compiler for just a moment...... *schplurt* *schplurt* *schplurt* .... Ahhhh. Much better] ------ When I crush teenage boys' heads between them ------ ********** My least favorite thing about my breasts is: ------ When I'm caught at poker games hiding extra aces in there ------ The big thick hairs that grow around them before my period (I pluck) The occasional zits I get under them (I pop) The slight sag (I wear my bra at all times) ------ Having the cyst aspirated when I was 14... ------ ********** Men's favorite thing about my breasts (if different from above): ------ I don't think any men have noticed that I have breasts... ------ They are friendly. ------ I've had lots of compliments on the relative heft of them, and of course my perky nipples. ------ ********** Men's least favorite thing about my breasts (if different from above): ------ None that I know. They might be a bit too "in your face" for some guys. ------ Never got any complaints. ------ When I force them to lick off their own cum ------ *************************************************************************** I ___DO ___DO NOT have a regular (as opposed to "long") spooge donor. 4 do, 1 don't, 1 ain't sayin' ********** I have had ___ (number) spooge donors in my lifetime. ------ 1 ------ 60 ------ I'm not sure how many spooge donors I've had in my lifetime. ------ I have had too many to count spooge donors in my lifetime. ------ 665 ------ ********** When the inevitable flood of horn-dog email is sent to me by the gentlemen of alt.tasteless, I prefer: ------ To tell them, politely, "Let's just be friends." After all, I'm the Bride of Christ, remember? ------ To be referred to as Mistress ______(name), and for any descriptive prose to revolve around my chaining up the Emailer and making him lick me like the dog that he is. Heavy-breathing stories involving animal carcasses. ------ I fax copies of a bill labeled "Pamelush's Pleasure Palace" to their place of business, including itemized ass-crack shaves and venereal wart extraction (molar method). Ask Chris Chiesa. ------ *************************************************************************** Special note to John: NOBODY'S doing any rimming. Sorry. If it helps, I *have* rimmed past partners, but don't find it particularly tittilating (heh-heh-heh...He said "tit"). *************************************************************************** -- **************************************************************************** * Joseph.Betz@mixcom.com | Wisconsin - Behind the Cheese Curtain * **************************************************************************** Newsgroups: alt.tasteless Path: diku!news.uni-c.dk!sunic!trane.uninett.no!eunet.no!nuug!EU.net!howland.reston.ans.net!news.moneng.mei.com!uwm.edu!mixcom.com!Joseph.Betz From: Joseph Betz Subject: 1994 a.t. survey results 7/7 Message-ID: <1994Jul18.164542.22925@mixcom.mixcom.com> Sender: sswwss@mixcom.mixcom.com (Joseph Betz) Organization: Milwaukee Internet Xchange BBS, Milw, WI (414) 241-5469 Date: Mon, 18 Jul 1994 16:45:42 GMT Lines: 111 The Average age of a.t. readers was: 27.53 ------ 59 (89.4%) were male, 5 ( 7.6%) were female, and 1 ( 1.5%) was uncertain/no opinion 1 ( 1.5%) was a "Twatypus" ------ the average weight was: 184.8 lb (83.6 kg) Heaviest reported weight: 337 lb ------ Average height: 5' 11" (1.8m) Tallest a.t.'er: 6' 8" (2.03m) Shortest a.t.'er: 5' 3" (1.6m) ------ 58 (90.6%) DO have hairy asscracks. 5 ( 7.8%) DO NOT have hairy asscracks. 1 ( 1.6%) SHAVES his/her asscrack. ------ The last time an at.er had shit him/herself was at age 19.2 on the average. The oldest was: 40 The youngest was: 2 ------ The last time an at.er had pissed him/herself was at age 15.33 on the average. The oldest was: 40 The youngest was: 3 ------ Regarding asswiping: 51 (82.3%) were righties 8 (12.9%) were lefties 3 ( 4.8%) were ambidextrous 32 (55.2%) wiped front to back 14 (24.1%) wiped back to front 10 (17.2%) wiped front-to-back then back-to-front 2 ( 3.5%) wiped side to side 29 (46.8%) sat, leaning to the left 6 ( 9.7%) sat, leaning to the right 10 (16.1%) sat, reaching between legs 12 (19.3%) stood 4 ( 6.5%) sat first, then-stood 1 ( 1.6%) squatted ------ Regarding toilet paper methodology, 9 (14.1%) Fold around hand 3 ( 4.7%) Fold, but NOT around hand 5 ( 7.8%) Fold, wipe, blow nose, etc. 1 ( 1.5%) Fold & eat __ 18 (28.1%) TOTAL FOLDERS 36 (56.3%) Bunch it up, wipe 3 ( 4.7%) Combination fold & bunch 1 ( 1.5%) Don't use any because I'm french 6 ( 9.4%) Other ------ Regarding the toilet seat, 36 (65.5%) want the seat left UP 19 (34.5%) want the seat left DOWN when not in use. ------ The average dick length was 6.56" stem to stern. ------ But how many were cut, you ask? 27 (75%) were circumcised. 9 (25%) were not circumcised. ------ And how do they hang? 22 (59.5%) hang left 11 (29.7%) hang right 3 ( 8.1%) hang straight down 1 ( 2.7%) hang? straight up ------ And which hand do they wank with? 24 (61.5%) Wank right handed 7 (18.0%) Wank left handed 8 (20.5%) Wank Ambidextrous ------ Do at.ers ever wear their girlfriends' undies? 17 (44.7%) have packed their pistols in their squeezes silky drawers. 21 (55.3%) have not (or won't admit it) ------ Have they ever busted up their dick from jerking off too hard? 30 (78.9%) have busted it up 8 (21.1%) have not. ------ How about public wanking? 35 (92.1%) have yanked it in a public place 3 ( 7.9%) have not. ------ So, when did the average at woman first start to pump out blood? the average age was 11.4 ------ -- **************************************************************************** * Joseph.Betz@mixcom.com | Wisconsin - Behind the Cheese Curtain * ****************************************************************************