Archive-name: tasteless/phrase-book
Posting-Frequency: monthly
Last-Modified: 2001/06/06
URL: http://www.aracnet.com/~jaydog/index2.html
Disclaimer: The following document contains dirty words, descriptions
	of dangerous acts, and advocacy of general misconduct. Persons of
	sensitive constitution are hereby warned to stop reading right now.

*----------------------------
THE ALT.TASTELESS PHRASE BOOK
*----------------------------

 This attempt is in no way complete, and aimed at people new to the
net in general and a.t. in particular.

:-)
 Tilt your head to the right. Yep, it's a cock about to penetrate.
 Figures like this one are used when people have just said something
 naughty, sort of a "Know what I mean know what I mean nudge nudge
 wink wink say no more say no more."

*[word]*:
 Asterisks are used either for *emphasis*, or to indicate that it's a
 sound... like, *plop* *plop* *plop* ("Buaah, I want to die because I'm
 a spastic").

AKA: Also Known As.

AMPALLANG:
 Piercing of the glans of the penis (the head). Runs horizontally above
 the urethra and has origins in Borneo.

APADRAVYA:
 Vertical piercing through the glans, or sometimes through the shaft of
 the penis, just behind the glans. Mentioned in the original Kama Su-
 tra.

ASAP:
 As Soon As Possible.

AT:
 Short for 'alt.tasteless'. 'ATer' refers to an alt.tasteless regular.

BEARS:
 Persons, usually male, whose physical characteristics tend toward the
 husky and hirsute.

CHURD:
 A fecal dildo.

DURIAN:
 Large oval tasty but foul-smelling fruit with a prickly rind. Comes
 from an East Indian tree, who shall remain nameless.

DYDOE:
 Piercing through the ridge of the glans, usually done on the side of
 the head and often in pairs. This piercing was originally done by
 Jewish men who wished to enhance their sexual pleasure (which they
 thought had been diminished by circumcision).

FECO-STALAGMITE:
 Euphemism denoting the majestic molehill of shit found nesting in the
 bowl of clogged toilets.

FELCHING:
 Sucking cum out of an arsehole. Who/what the cum and arsehole belongs
 to is up to your imagination and health standards. If you have trouble
 reaching, use a straw.

FRENUM:
 Piercing through the skin of the penis, on the underside just behind
 the glans. Often a large ring that circles the penis under the ridge
 of the glans is worn through this piercing. This provides stimulation
 to both partners during intercourse and acts much like a cock ring.

GUICHE:
 Piercing of the web of flesh that runs between the anus and the
 scrotum. A weight is often suspended from a guiche.

GROGAN:
 A piece of shit.

HAFADA:
 Piercing on the side of the scrotal sac originally done to Arab boys
 as a rite of passage.

HAGGIS:
 Scottish delicacy made by filling a sheep's paunch with ground
 intestines, barley and a shot of scotch.

IMHO:
 In My Hog-fucking Opinion.

KAKA-SUTRA:
 Affectionate name for _The Canonical List of Tasteless Sex Acts_.

LJBF:
 "Let's Just Be Friends." Sentence usually uttered by girl when offered
 a good squicking.

MOTSS:
 Member of The Same Sex.

ObT:
 Short for "ObTasteless". 'Ob' means 'obligatory,' and you
 usually append an ObTasteless at the end of your post if it hasn't been
 sufficiently tasteless.

OOBE:
 Out Of Body Experience. Something you experience during a very good
 shit.

PRINCE ALBERT:
 Piercing that consists of a ring which goes through the urethra and
 out behind the glans.

QUEEF:
 Pussy fart, vart, fanny fart.

QUEEN KRISTINA:
 Piercing of the clitoral hood.

REAMING:
 Getting fucked vigorously up the colon.

RIMMING:
 Sphincter licking.

SIC:
 'Yes, though hard to believe, this is, in fact, an exact quote.'

SO:
 Significant Other, will generally mean your loved one.

SPLINTH:
 Split-stream pissing caused by dried spooge, menstrual juices,
 or STD drippings across the opening of the choad.

SPOO-TOY or SPOOGE DONOR:
 Provider of spooge. Usually male; not always human. Usually
 abbreviated 'ST' or 'SD'.

SPOOGE RECEPTACLE:
 Recipient of spooge. Not always female; occasionally human. Usually
 abbreviated 'SR'.

TWINK(IE):
 Generally, a cute young (male) thing (CYT). Known as "golden, cream-
 filled, and ready to be eaten." (Etymology: In the US, Twinkies(tm)
 are snack cakes with these same properties.)

VOMIT-STALACTITE:
 AKA Stalactovomite: the result of puking on the ceiling.

ASSWIPING:
 Most male alt.tastelessers wipe front to back with their right hand,
 usually sitting, leaning invitingly to the left. All look at the paper
 after the wipe, and some taste and kiss it.

CHOAD:
 Prick. Cock. Dick. ManTool. Vibrating snotmonster. One-eyed trouser
 snake. You get the idea. A long-neglected and abused synonym for "penis,"
 the word "choad" dates back a good long time. We think maybe it's from
 Middle English but we're all too damned lazy to check the OED. According
 to The Jargon File 4.0.0:
    "[I'm not.  It isn't. --ESR] This term is alleged to have been
     inherited through 1960s underground comics, and to have been
     recently sighted in the Beavis and Butthead cartoons. Speakers
     of the Hindi, Bengali and Gujarati languages have confirmed that
     `choad' is in fact an Indian vernacular word equivalent to `fuck';
     it is therefore likely to have entered English slang via the
     British Raj."
 Anyway, it was kept barely alive somehow, and has achieved a well-
 deserved resurrection and re-erection in AT. The tireless literary antics
 of David Garrett (garrett@math.rice.edu) and Adam Thornton
 (adam@io.com) have nearly succeeded in revamping the word, bringing
 it to its full turgid glory. Beavis and Butthead have been known
 to use the word "choad" and the more common compound noun "choadsmoker"
 to mean, roughly, "a gobbler of nobs." The next time you're about to
 casually toss off a reference to a "willy," a "wankie," a "dick," a 
 "Throbbing PleasureProng (TM)," a "Purple-Headed SnotNazi (TM)," or a
 "schlong," think again, and substitute the word "choad" instead. Be come
 a Friend of the Choad: make it possible for the choad to once again roam
 the vocabularies of the world, its head held proudly erect. A choadstool
 is then what we call the fungal growth found on an unwashed scrotum.

CUNT
 A cunt by any other name, its smell as rank. Cunt is "Vittu" [v!too]
 in Finnish, and "Pusquish" [pus squish] in Cree. The Germans yell
 "Fotze" [fawt-tse] under normal circumstances, and "MOse" when they
 want to indicate that the cunt in question is slightly smaller, a
 little pinker and more wet than the usual slobbering crotch wound.

DOGS
 Are frequently rather tasteless. Apart from eating the fecal matter of
 almost any other mammal, they are also pretty keen on tampons, condoms
 and socks. It might be a profound wish for another tail that makes
 the dogs eat these objects that'll inevitable end up hanging out their
 puss-oozing and mite-ridden asses. They're also familiar with shitting
 and vomiting in the living room. The life of a canine is one long
 party.

DRUGS
 A recommendation: Take all, and in as large quantities as possible.
 We especially recommend Dimethyl Sulfate. Not only does it randomly
 unwind and reform your DNA profile, it has also "been known to cause
 spontaneous cancerous lesions in rats." The official warning
 continues: "Extremely hazardous. No warning characteristics (e.g. odor,
 irritation). Delayed appearance of symptoms may permit unnoticed
 exposure to lethal quantities. Liquid produces severe blistering,
 necrosis of the skin... Vapors, after relatively asymptomatic latent
 period, cause severe inflammation and necrosis of the eyes, mouth,
 respiratory tract. Severe and fatal pulmonary damage may result.
 Systematically causes prostration, convulsions, delirium, paralysis,
 coma, delayed damage to kidneys, liver, heart with ensuing death in
 severe cases" - "Have a big night on DMS and come home in a bucket."

EXPLOSIVES
 We will of course help you getting disfigured enough for us to be
 amused, so here's what you do if you're too afraid to ask the
 alt.pyrotechnics experts how to make acetone peroxide or some other
 funny stuff. (Besides, the alt.pyro crowd will warn you when something
 might be dangerous. How fun is *that*?!)

 Get the US Army Technical Manual 31-210 1969, _Improvised Munitions
 Handbook_. The Improvised Munitions Handbook generally gets okay
 reviews; it contains a whole bunch of recipes for making explosives etc.
 out of handy chemicals. You can get it from several sources, gun
 shows, or for $5 from Sierra Supply. Sierra Supply, PO Box 1390
 Durango, CO, 81302 (303)-259-1822. Sierra sells a bunch of army
 surplus stuff, including technical manuals such as the Improvised
 Munitions Handbook. Sierra has a $10 minimum order + $4 postage.
 Catalog $1.

 I believe Paladin Press also distributes this series and they will
 mail overseas. Other good sources are _The Poor Mans James Bond_, and
 _The Anarchists Cookbook_. They can be found in most large bookshops.
 Or ftp to ftp.spies.com /Library/Untech and get what they have.

JOKES
 Alt.tasteless.jokes is now taking care of all the short jokes.
 Rec.humor has the _Canonical List of [rude, mommy mommy, dead baby
 etc. etc.]_ jokes. Ask them. Or get them from our ftp site (details
 somewhere below).

NAMBLA
 The North American Man/Boy Love Association is a civil
 rights/political organization. They support CONSENSUAL
 intergenerational relationships and help educate society about the
 true nature of such relationships. NAMBLA publishes a Bulletin ten
 times a year which is sent by first class mail to its members. (It
 includes news, feature articles, letters, book reviews, short stories,
 etc.)

 They also publish a literary Journal (literary gifted alt.tastelessers
 take note, this might be your way to fame), books and other material
 (all of which are strictly legal).

 For further discussions contact Roy Radow (radow@netcom.com). He is
 their spokesperson on the net. For a packet containing a sample
 Bulletin, publications list and membership information send $1.00
 postage to:
 NAMBLA Info, Dept.RR, PO Box 174, Midtown Station, NYC NY 10018.

SHIT
 The brown color of feces is caused by stercobilin and urobilin, which
 are derivatives of bilirubin. Bilirubin, a main constituent of bile,
 is derived from breakdown products of dead red blood cells,
 specifically the toxic parts of the heme ring from hemoglobin molecules.
 That's why athletes on steroids have white shit: the steroids fuck up
 the liver so it can't throw the toxic stuff into the feces where it
 belongs.

 The odor is caused principally by the products of bacterial action;
 these vary from one person to another, depending on each person's
 colonic bacterial flora and on the type of food eaten. The actual
 odoriferous products include indole, skatole, mercaptans, and hydrogen
 sulfide. Eating lots of fat will give you the nastiest smelling shits
 if you make sure it doesn't stay in the colon for too long. A pound of
 pork chops followed by gin, a laxative or an enema is a sure winner
 among scatological connaisseurs.

SMEGMA
 A cheesy, sebaceous secretion that forms between the foreskin and the
 glans of the penis of male mammals. Having smelt it few have the nerve
 to coat their tongue with it or swallow it. A shame really as this
 homegrown product easily outcompetes the flavours of all the cheeses
 made from milk (except the cheese made from dingo's milk).

SOOTIKIN OR SUTIKIN
 A small, mouse-shaped deposit formed in the vaginal cleft, usually of
 poorer women who did not wear undergarments - common until the
 nineteenth century. A sootikin built up over several weeks, even
 months, of not washing. It was composed of particles of soot, dirt,
 sweat, smegma (qv) and vaginal and menstrual discharge. When it
 reached a certain size and weight, it tended to work loose and drop
 from under the woman's skirt. Contemporary writings, including those
 of Pepys and Boswell, mention men employed in London churches to sweep
 up sootikins after services. There even exists one scurrilous ac-
 count, from an anonymous source, of a tell-tale sootikin being al-
 legedly found under or suspiciously close to - Queen Anne's chair in
 St Paul's Cathedral during the Thanksgiving Service for the end of the
 War of the Spanish Succession.

SQUICKING
 The practice one takes up when skull fucking becomes tedious. Skull
 fucking is the easiest of the two acts, as you only have to remove
 your partners eye to get somewhere to stick your thingie. A proper
 squicking requires you to trephine your partner (make a hole in your
 partners skull) and pork its brain this way. Aiming for the gap
 between the two hemispheres is said to provide you with firestorming
 orgasms. The variations are of course endless. The guru in this field
 is Geoff Miller (geoffm@netcom.com). But please do only contact him in
 expert matters concerning squicking, as he cannot spend time learning
 newbies vanilla squicking.

 'Squick' is also used as a synonym for 'being pushed beyond ones limits'
 in alt.sex.bondage. Therefore you'll sometimes experience people using
 the word (i.e.: "That article really squicked me" or, "He squicked my
 arsehole.")

URINE:
 ...can, just as shit, be perceived by all 5 senses and the special 6th
 bodily fluid sense that the old time alt.tastelesser unavoidably
 develops. We will therefore not go into detail with the rancid
 bladdersplash itself. Rather the info will concern its sterility;
 can we safely drink it? Yes, we can. Why drink pee then?

 The scientific explanation is that urine, and morning urine in
 particular, contains high amounts of melatonine, which is a hormone
 produced by the epiphyse during the night. Apart from having a soothing
 and pain-killing effect melatonine also cheats the body into believing
 that it has slept more than it actually has. This manifests itself as
 a feeling of well-being and refreshment. The piss of sexually immature
 children contains more melatonine than adult piss, which explains
 the exhilaration one feels when lapping up infant piss. (I for one
 have always been sure that the happiness wasn't just psychological.)
 Maybe you should spend more time as I: lurking in the bushes near the
 playground forcing kids to piss in my smurf beer mug. You'll feel
 much better and much more equanimous. Cheers.

 How ones body responds to this refreshment depends on a number of
 things, the most important being the concentration of waste products
 in this wine for gods. If you drink someone's urine after they've had
 a sixpack, your kidneys will not be overworked with the extra waste
 products, but it may not then have the desired taste / smell /
 consistency. To help your kidneys you should always drink a lot of
 water after your pee-games.

 The most famous pee-drinker was good ol' Mahatma Gandhi. His mornings
 would start with him emptying his potty in a good swig, allegedly for
 'The health of the spirit.' Truly the sign of a great statesman. Prime
 Minister Morarji Desai followed in the piss trickle and drank piss
 each morning when he reigned (1977-1979). Lucky were the other leaders
 that had conversations with him on mornings where he had forgot to
 brush his teeth. No information as to the pee-drinking habits of the
 current Indian prime minister.

 Oh, and while we're at it, don't eat asparagus before drinking your
 pee. Asparagus has an amino acid in it that makes your yellow drops
 smell horribly, as well as changing the taste. And don't drink piss
 from a person with a contagious disease unless you really want it.
 Speaking of that, Savage Pisser/Skinhead John (squicker@servtech.com)
 is the current piss adviser of alt.tasteless. Ask him anything wee wee
 related you like. He'll be happy to help you.

VEGEMITE
 ...Can be bought in some health stores and isn't really the canned stool
 sample that rumour claim it is. Here are some first hand experiences
 with the edible caca:
                                   ***
 "I too have had Vegemite. I found a stock in a 'health food' store.
 US$ 2.69 for a 4 ounce (113 gram) jar. "5 calories per serving." It
 has an odd, purply-brown color, and a smooth, thick, sticky texture.
 The 'axle-grease' association is accurate. It does indeed have quite
 a strong salty, yeasty flavor, and you had better spread it on _very_
 thinly. I think it looks like a substance from my native land called
 'catfish dough bait,' only said bait is a bit grainier, not as creamy.
 Catfish dough bait has a thick, liverish, bloody odor to it, and
 appeared to be a compound of mud, blood and pureed liver. On a hot day,
 opening the tub of dough bait and inhaling deeply could give you vertigo
 and motion sickness. I find it hard to believe that Marmite has a
 stronger, more vicious taste than Vegemite."
                                   ***
 "Vegemite has a pretty vicious aftertaste, and because of the yeast
 extract, it tends to come back to you later, in belches. It's also one
 of those foods with such a peculiar taste that no matter what you eat
 afterwards, Vegemite is the taste that sticks with you."
                                   ***
 "It is very strong, try a little, then impress your friends with what
 looks like eating slabs of bread wiped in black excrement."
                                   ***
 "Well, as a New Zealander, I can truthfully say that Marmite is the
 only real yeast extract worth eating. Vegemite is for wimps, while
 Marmite is for real men. It has a much stronger, more vicious after-
 taste than Vegemite."
                                   ***
 "It was the grossest thing I ever tasted. It's about as thick as
 peanut butter, and to say it tastes like shit would be an understate-
 ment."
                                   ***
 Ingredients: Yeast extract (comes from the grunge that is left over
 after the beer brewing process), sea salt, potassium chloride, malt
 extract, caramel color, natural flavor, niacin, thiamine hydor-
 chloride, riboflavin.

 Serving size: 3.25 gram; Servings per container: 35

 Cheese and Vegemite sandwiches are so common in Australia that the
 manufacturer (Kraft) now sells premixed cheese & Vegemite slices (they
 are a greyish colour, and very nice between buttered white bread, pos-
 sibly with some lettuce)

 ObTrivia: Vegemite was invented after Marmite, and for a short time
 was called Parwill (get the pun? Mar mite, Par will. Ho ho!). "Vegem-
 ite" was the result of a renaming contest in the 30s(?). Let it also
 be known that Vegemite is available in 99% of Australian shops that
 stock spreads. IE, if the shop has jam, honey or peanut butter, then
 it almost certainly has Vegemite as well.

YEAST
 ...Is not that interesting in itself. But vaginal yeast infections are
 a riot. The infection occurs when the usual healthy balance between the
 yeast and the bacteria in the vagina disappears. Taking antibiotics
 can alter this balance. The treatment is to gulp down Lactobacillus
 acidophillus (yogurt culture) and shove it up your cunt. The idea of
 'tank war' (a fine stripper act) might have started when a group of
 yeast-infected women could think of nothing better than to walk like
 crabs, and using their vaginal muscles, shoot the yogurt at each oth-
 er.

 Men too can get yeast infections on the counterproductive organ, espe-
 cially if he has a good sized foreskin. Yeast infections love these
 nobby hide-outs. It's warm, it's moist, and there's a lot of smegma
 to thrive on. Yeast infections usually shows up after some days of
 hefty wanking and dubious hygiene as a reddish-radish. If you're not a
 spoil sport and start washing the glans with hospital soap, you can
 watch as the rash turns into little red sores that'll itch more and
 more. Before good soap was invented the cure was to hold the foreskin
 closed when pissing until it was bloated with piss as a frog's airbag
 is bloated with air, then let fly all over yourself and the toilet.
 Stuff in the urine should then clean out the yeast. Male yeast infec-
 tions: For the biggest effect do the Macbeth routine and wash your
 nob hysterically so it's gets completely dried out and itchy for some
 time, until the body responds and produces vast amounts of smegma to
 get the balance right again. This is good, but if you relentlessly
 roll the foreskin back and forth while you fondle the back of your
 testicles with your left hand, some sticky stuff will suddenly come
 out. Smear this on the sore covered nob, and repeat until all skin has
 been peeled of the radish.

--
                    QUALITY CONTROL DIVISION
                    ALT TASTELESS INDUSTRIES
                             2001