SWINGERS AND SWINGLES ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, INTRODUCTION Sex has generally always been a private activity limited to the bedroom or other private compartment. From time to time during the history of mankind, however, sex has moved out of the private and secludedness of the bedroom and taken on a more social nature. The recent increase in social sexual activity, i.e. the increased openness of swingers and would- be swingers who advertise their availability and the increase in swinger introduction ser- vices is an interesting phenomenon. If this trend progresses beyond the point of a passing fad it could mean that social sex could become a form of re- creation or social activity! And the more openly sex is shared socially, the more acceptable it would become and the more entrenched in the society of future it would be. GROUP SEX IS NOTHING NEW Orgies were common practice amongst the ruling class of the Roman Empire. Mass orgies with 100's of participants enjoy- ing an excess of food, wine and sex were not uncommon. The old saying of "Nero fiddled while Rome burned" is not with- out considerable substance. "To many people, the notion of a sexual encounter that involves more than just their partner is highly exciting," says Dr Glenn Wilson in "The Personal Touch". "Indeed, some form of group sexual act- ivity is a common fantasy in both sexes. MISUNDERSTANDINGS "Most couples who have experience of group sex find that jealousy plays a ne- gative role. Especially for a man who, seeing his usual partner greatly en- joying herself in the arms of another man, becomes jealous because he realizes that she is more turned on than usual because of the novelty of the situa- tion." "This type of misunderstanding arises because we are all brought up to be some what over-private when it comes to our bodies and our sexuality" says Dr Wilson But, although Dr Wilson has little of commendation to say about social sex, he also commented: "Some sex therapists be- lieve that a certain amount of sexual openness, perhaps with true friends with whom a couple feel at ease, would help at least some people become less inhibit ed, thus relaxing them." COUPLE-ON-COUPLE Some men involve their wives in their fantasy sex games with others."According to such men, this involves her in their fantasy lives in a way that brings them closer together as a couple, furthers their 1-to-1 bond and enhances their value to 1 another. In real life, jealousy and hatred are never far away from such adventures. Dr Wilson issues a straightforward warning when he says that group sex where there is only 1 other couple present is poten- tially dangerous because there is a real possibility that serious interpersonal bonds could form and that these could threaten the original love bonds of the couples. "It is easy too,given that the situation is novel and highly arousing, that any 1 of the 4 could think that this kind of sex was better than just with his or her partner. This can lead to long-term dis- satisfaction and marital break-ups. On the other hand, most people have more inhibitions than they thought and soon found the total 'freedom' of group sex somewhat alarming or destructive." In fantasizing, such details are omitted and infidelity can appear to be sanction ed by the man's partner." GROUP SEX But what of group sex on a larger scale where cross-couple bonding may be less of a problem? Dr Wilson,in "The Personal Touch", makes mention of the Sandstone Experiment: "Perhaps the most sophisticated and well documented example of group sex was at a private home, "Sandstone", in California It was made available by the owners to all couples who wanted to go there on a club-like basis to make love in the pre- sence of others." "Nudity was the norm at most times and couples gathered together where they would talk, cuddle and make love if they wanted to. For most it was their 1st ex- perience of open sexuality, certainly with their full-time partners." "Couples changed partners if they wanted to and the any-thing-goes atmosphere was conducive to losing inhibitions on a grand scale. Homosexual contacts between men were very rare but, surprisingly, they were common between women. Sex-play tended to be conventional and most peo- ple made love in fairly conventional ways too. Some men brought their reluct- ant partners only to find that the women ended up enjoying it more than the men did." "Most couples said that they found watch ing their partner being made love to by someone else highly stimulating and not at all threatening. This is, however, rather different from most situations involving group sex where only 1 other couple is present." RECREATIONAL SEX This is sex for the sake of enjoying the physical sensations of making love to someone, anyone, per se, much the same way that people enjoy going to a dinner- dance or taking a walk in the moun- tains. It's planned, it happens, it is enjoy- able, and it is over. If you come into contact with the person again you may even talk about how enjoyable things were last time you did it together. The bottom line is recreational and involves no encumbrances on either party or their spouses. 1 of the problems facing people wanting to enter recreational sex is that of at- titudes. Men and women are highly terri- torial. They are protective of their partners for a multitude of reasons.I do believe that such protectiveness is vi- tal as there are swingers with different ideas of swinging. There also are a per- centage of swinging couples who have selfish and manipulative, possibly even hurtful or destructive, motives and who can have a serious negative effect on the marriages and personal lives of the other couples. And it is for this reason that one cannot caution swinging couples too much that what they are doing is po- tentially dangerous if they get caught up with the wrong people or circumstan- ces. It seems some people have the ability to put aside jealous feelings if there is agreement between the consenting couples that sex is for recreation only and that there is no bonding of any sort And this is usually achieved by the 2 couples meeting socially to find out more about 1 another, to find out if they are mutually compatible. From my discussions with a number of regular swinger couples, some of the more confi- dent and experienced couples usually end up having cross-couple sex on the 1st evening together - the experienced leading the others. Many couples prefer to develop some kind of loose social bond with the other couple, visiting each other 2 or 3 times, before sharing sexually. With these latter kinds of friendships 1 of 2 things can happen: either the cou- ples become firm friends and share soc- ially and sexually for a time, eventual- ly developing other relationships on the side and eventually going their natural way into other circles, or they expand their circle, taking in 1 or more other couples and developing a social sexual fellowship where couples are continuous- ly changing. Recreational swinging generally involves 1 couple with another. But when couples become more adventurous other couples may be invited to a social swingalong where new friendships can be made and recreational pairing happens across a wider spectrum than the original 2 couples. This is when recreational sex becomes something more, what I would like to call social sex. SOCIAL SEX This (possibly a modern, more refined version of the Roman orgy) is having sex with someone in a "private" social con- text where others are doing the same thing, like the Sandstone Experiment. The difference between recreational and social sex being that the former is sex shared between swinging couples. They may make love in different rooms or in the same room. Social sex is better re- lated to swinger get- togethers where large numbers of swingers get together and have sex with each other at the same venue. The difference is that couples do not hive off on their own to make love. Instead they do it wherever and whenever the mood takes them or the opportunity presents itself. THE DOWNSIDE The danger of AIDS is VERY REAL. And couples developing a relationships with others need to discuss the matter of cleanliness in all aspects of their re- lationships (sexual and social). The matter of sex without bonding needs also to be discussed. Fears of cross-bon ding should be expressed and an agree- ment come to BEFORE there is any sexual involvement of the couples. The couples should agree to split immediately there is any change in this agreement as cross bonding between couples is a potential disastrous issue. The boredom factor needs also to be dis- cussed. As various experts have found, the majority of couples (in the past) have enjoyed swinging for only a short period of time, falling out of the scene once the novelty had worn off. They need to understand that things which tend to- wards habit have already lost their ex- itement. Dr Wilson concludes: "It seems that the disadvantages to group sex outweight the advantages. A few people will always want to try it, if only for the novelty of the situation, but it is unlikely to become a way of life for any but the tiniest of minorities. It is probably safest, therefore, to keep group sex to the realms of fantasy, which is exactly what most people do." And this is what most people have done - until recently. The recent upsurge of interest in swinging makes one wonder if it is it just another fashion that will pass or if it is the beginning of a new aspect to our social lives where sexual encounters between couples becomes as normal and accepted as serving good Cape wine with a meal. --------------------- The end ---------------------