旼컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� � � � H - M A I L 2 0 . T X T � � � 突袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴� Yes! Tonight this damn' file will be completed... finally! Another landmark H-MAIL archive, this will be the last one of 200000 bytes or as close as possible, future ones will be available in 폦eg versions! Title: H-MAIL20.TXT [Formatted to 66 lines per page] File size: 200,000 bytes Date: 29-11-95 [Standard advert] All H-MAIL?? files are available at 旼컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴커 � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 � � The HMVH Corporation � 읕컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴켸 Bulletin Board System [+27 11] (011) 941-1341 USR V.34/V.fc (24 Hours) 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 An economist is back in his old college town many years after graduation and decides to drop in on one of his old professors. He happens to see a copy of an exam sitting on the desk so he picks it up to look at it. Upon deciding that it looks familiar he comments to the professor that it is the same exam that he had taken 10 years ago. The professor assures him that this is correct but adds that this time the answers are different. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 What did Mickey Mouse get for Christmas? A Dan Quayle watch. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Guy walks into a restaurant. Orders eggs. The waitress asks "How would you like those eggs cooked?" The guy says "Hey, that would be great." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 I never did understand why it was supposed to be MEN that were responsible for the keeping of the toilet seat! Some women consistently complain (note the SOME) when men leave the seat up, and also complain when men don't put the seat up to begin with. Now I find the second disgusting, no one wants to sit on a wet toilet seat. But if the last person in the bathroom was female, the men are expected to lift the seat. OK, I didn't post this last time it came around, but here is the sign I have in my bathroom. As an historical note, I left a military sub-contractor (which is why the notice is cast in Milspeak) and lived for 3 weeks with a friend of the female persuasion, who constantly got on my case to keep the seat down. I vowed revenge when I got my own apartment, so ---------------------------------------- NOTICE TO USERS The Water Closet Site Administrator (WCSITADMIN) for this commode equipment unit has elected a Most Recently Used (MRU) protocol with regard to the seat placement for the equipments at this site. All users are requested to make determination as to their gender and intended use before attempting to use these equipments. Users should then determine the desired seat placement, based on this information, and chart 1, attached. Having made this deter- mination, users should compare the actual seat placement, as determined by direct observation, with the desired seat placement determined above, and take the appropriate action, based on chart 2, attached. It should be noted that the MRU protocol confers the following advantages vice the more commonly attempted INTHAMITH protocol: Worst-case turn-around is improved, as in no case are two seat-adjustments required. Worst-case throughput is improved, for above reasons. Average-case throughput (random gender and use) is improved, as no compensating adjustments are performed. Average-case throughput as measured is improved due to uneven gender distribution among users of a given equipment. Wear and tear on the adjustment mechanism is reduced, yielding a greater MTBF. User feedback is immediate and automatic, yielding a higher compliance rate. Comments should be addressed to the WCSITADMIN. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Announcing badnews*, a realistic approach to Usenet. Why badnews? The news software currently in use freely mixes policy with mechanism and actually creates obtacles for its user community. In practice, this inhibits no one and merely results in frustration which, as has been clinically proved, leads to aggression. The time has come to give users what they really want. Badnews fixes the following bugs in previous news software: 1) Due to a bug, previous news read/post programs limited the 'cancel' command to the users own postings. Badnews fixes this problem. 2) Previous signatures were limited to 4 lines. Badnews supports arbitrarily large signatures. If your signature is too small, badnews will pad it with such cute sayings as "flames >/dev/null" and the like. 3) Previous software insisted that followup additions be longer than included text. In this interim release, badnews fixes this restriction by automatically generating extra lines of cute sayings like "inews fodder". 4) To avoid wasting bandwidth caused by articles failing to reach their intended target, badnews will refuse to post articles not crossposted to at least 4 newsgroups. 5) Due to a design error, previous news software actually discouraged thoughtful postings and selected for ego-maniacs and one-true-wayists by trying to intimidate the poster asking if they "really wanted to do this". Badnews will be more supportive and say "Thank you for sharing." 6) Current software encourages a bandwidth wasting redundancy by requiring a 'Subject:' line when the actual subject (if any) can always be inferred from the article itself. Badnews eliminates this redundancy by automatically generating a contentless or irrelevant 'Subject:' such as "Help needed", "Posting", or "This line intentionally left blank". New commands available: 1) The 'Sue' command automatically initiates a lawsuit against the author of the currently read message. 2) The 'Expand' command automatically decrypts many common abbreviations which may appear in the currently read message, such as: IMHO, PC, SO, BTW, MOTAS, BMW, MES 3) The 'Suicide' command automatically deposits the users name in other users' kill files. In this interim release, this command is limited to adding your name to Ted Kaldis's kill file. 4) The 'Notify' command contacts powerful people associated with the currently read message. Current options include: notify employer, notify sysadmin, and notify the press. 5) The 'Sexchange' command automatically switches the genders in the message currently being read. The interim release limits this function to two genders. New posting aids: Many postings are actually the same or similar to messages sent before. In order to make such duplication easier, Badnews provides automatic posting on common topics selected from a menu. Menus currently available will cover 1) Hoaxes/urban legends 2) Requests for money 3) Jokes about strings 4) Commonly asked questions (e.g. How do I get my current directory to print out in my prompt?) 5) A SERIOUS DILEMMA FOR THE NET 6) Appropriate flames to respond to the user using 1-5 above 7) Appropriate counter flame to respond to user using 6 above Future enhancements will include: 1) Kill with prejudice which will notify via mail (with appropriate nasty epithets) the author of any article being killed. 2) Kill by gender, ethnic group, political slant 3) Auto-forge to fake the header of real or non-existent persons. 4) The 'Pull' command to pull another user's net account. 5) Kill with extreme prejudice, to actually terminate the life of a user. 6) Starwars, to build a shield to protect oneself from 1-5 above. Followups or requests for Beta versions should go to alt.paranoid. * Badnews is a trademark of Charletanics 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Three conventioneers had finally managed to tire their wives to go back to the hotel and finally located a house of negotiable affection. The madam was crestfallen. "Sorry fellows, all the girls are busy... No one left but me." "Gee, we spent most of the evening getting rid of our wives and we're leaving tomorrow, isn't there anything you can do?" "Well there's always me, I give specials..." The first guy decided he'd go for it and when he came back downstairs he had a grin ear to ear. "How was it? How much was it?" "It was great! I got the $25 special. She has this can of Readi-Whip and she sprays it all around and then licks it off, great!" The second fellow doesn't hesitate, bolts up the stairs and is back after a while, grinning like the first. "How was it? How much was it?" "It was super! I got the $50 special. Same as Jack, the Readi-Whip, but she had some chopped walnuts that she sprinkled on it. Nibbled off the walnuts and licked off the Readi-Whip, faantaaastic!" The third could not be constrained, he raced up the stairs and came back shortly thereafter, chin between his knees. "Gosh! What happened? What went wrong?" "Well, I got the $75 special, kinda like what you guys got but she starts with a pineapple ring. Then there's the Readi-Whip, the chopped walnuts, but she's got some chocolate sprikles and a cherry she puts on top. Damn! it looked so good I ate it myself..." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 One day an older fella was in for a checkup. After his examination, his doctor was amazed. "Holy cow! Mr. Edwards, I must say that you are in the greatest shape of any 64 year old I have ever examined!" "Did I say I was 64?" "Well, no, did I read your chart wrong?" "Damn straight you did! I'm 85!" "85!! Unbelievable! You would be in great shape if you were 25! How old was your father when he died?" "Did I say he was dead?" "You mean..." "Damn straight! He's 106 and going strong!" "My Lord! What a healthy family you must come from! How long did your grandfather live?" "Did I say he was dead?" "No! You can't mean..." "Damn straight! He's 126, and getting married next week!" "126! Truly amazing, Mr. Edwards. But gee, I wouldn't think a man would want to get married at that age!" "Did I say he _wanted_ to get married?..." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 [On the 18th, Southern California was rocked with an earthquake that registered 5.0 on the Richter Scale.] Top Ten Lines Associated With Last Night's Earthquake 10. Was it good for you? 9. I guess Oprah's off her diet. 8. What's that Scotsman doing in that alley? 7. Oh no, not *another* Apocalypse. 6. I told you that was Mary Lou Retton. 5. Whoa! Who dropped the soap? 4. Jesus Christ, is that a body? That's Jimmy Hoffa! 3. The King *is* alive. 2. It is I, *System Administrator Man*! And the Number One Line heard during last night's earthquake: 1. Did you fart? 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A parrot fancier who happened into a London pet shop noticed a particularly colorful bird and asked its price. "Five thousand pounds," the shop owner replied. "Five thousand pounds?" the man asked. "Why so much?" "Well, this bird speaks fluent Italian, Spanish and French, is brushing up on his German and starting to study English," came the reply. "With the European Community's unicifation due in 1992, he'll be a great asset." "I don't care about the Common Market," the parrot fancier said. "What about that gray one in that other cage?" The gray one was 15,000 pounds, he was told, because the bird spoke Arabic, Chinese, and Korean and was learning Japanese -- "the languages of the 21st century." "I'm too old to worry about the 21st century," the frustrated parrot lover replied. "What about that mangy brown one up on that perch in the corner?" The brown one, said the shopkeeper, was 25,000 pounds. "Twenty-five thousand pounds!" exclaimed the customer. "What does he do to worth that?" "We're not sure," the pet-shop owner replied. "But the other two call him chairman." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Every philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room; Marxist philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room, but the cat isn't there; Soviet philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room, the cat isn't there, but you keep shouting "I've found it! I've found it!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 When Noah heard the weather forecast he ordered the building of the ark. --- that was Leadership Then he looked around and said, "Make sure the elephants don't see what the rabbits are up to." --- that was Management 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Once upon a time, there was a village. The people in the village were extremely conservative. No one talked about sex. Newlyweds had to figure out how to do such business on their own because no one ever talked about it in their lifetime. A mischievous couple decided to pull a practical joke on a pair of people getting married. The man pulled the groom-to-be aside and talked to him privately: "I know it is not appropriate to talk to you about sex life. But you are getting married soon, I don't want you to get hurt." "What is it? What is it? Let me know," the ignorant groom eagerly asked. The man first told him what sex was all about. And he said, "But ... , you have to be careful. Some women grow teeth in their 'private place'. Some poor men have lost their valuable body part to these ruthless jaws." "How should I find out? What should I do on the first night?" "Fear not, young man. Let me tell you what to do. Don't take any risks. On the first night, test her first with your knee." The woman also talked to the bride-to-be in private: "You are getting married soon. I cannot resist warning you..." The bride also eagerly asked for advice. The woman first explained to her what would happen in bed the first night, then she said, "Some men have a HUGE life-threatening penis. If you have sex with this type of man, you may not survive." "Oh, please help me. What should I do?" The bride was scared. "Well, let me tell you what I did on my first night," she lied. "I sharpened my finger nails and put my hand in front of my vulnerable spot, and grabbed anything that approached." In the wedding night, the shy newlywed slipped into bed in pitch darkness. Moments later, both screamed in horror. ... And they slept separately ever after. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 This week is a perfect opportunity to find out the true age of those individuals who are always evasive on the point. Just ask them what they were doing when they heard about president Kennedy's assassination! They will be telling you long before they realise that you can add 25 to what you can easily surmise to be their age at the time of the said activity. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 This man had a parrot. This parrot knew only one sentence, which was "Let's make love." The parrot said it all the time, embarassing the owner to no end. Finally, He went to his parish preist and told him of his parrot problem. The priest repleid, "I have a parrot who also only knows one sentence. He always says, 'Let us pray.' Bring your parrot over Sunday after mass, and I'm sure your parrot will be praying by the end of the day." So, as directed, The owner brought the parrot over to the rectory after mass. The parrot, spying the priests parrot, opened his mouth and blurted out "Let's make Love." The priest's parrot closed his eyes, looked up at heaven and said, "my prayers have been answered." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Through some cosmic fluke, Reagan, Thatcher, and Gorbachev all died on the same day. Off they went to the gates of Heaven. Peter, seeing that these were all VIPs, sent them straight off to the Almighty. God, sitting on his throne, called up Reagan. "Ronald, my son, what have you to say for yourself?" "I tried to improve the US economy", replied Reagan, "and I did my best to benefit the nation." "Very well, my son, come up and sit beside me at my right hand." And so Reagan sat at his right. God then called up Gorbachev. "Mikhail, my son, what have you to say for yourself?" "I tried to make Soviet society more open", replied Gorbachev, "and I did my best to improve the Soviet economy." "Very well, my son, come up and sit beside me at my left hand." And so Gorbachev sat at his left. God then called up Thatcher. "Margaret, my daughter, what have you to say for yourself?" "Only two things", replied Thatcher. "First of all, I'm not your daughter. Secondly, get out of my chair!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 I have been subjected to the biases and special pleadings of the artsy-fartsy culture vultures long enough. They sneer at anything which isn't in their own mold (mould?) of avante-gardishness. They perpetuate stupid jokes by laughing at people who quite seriously say, "I may not know much about.... but I know what I like." It is time for the rest of us to revolt against this claptrap of self-indulgent behaviour which passes itself off as "the actualization of one's self potential," and which somehow has unfortunately [in Canuckland, at least] bedeviled enough politicians that fully 65.7% of our tax dollars go to supporting these alleged artistes through direct grants and purchases of junk that any sensible person would pay someone else to haul off to the municipal landfill site. It is time for a new organization to be formed to aid this revolution. To that end, I hereby announce the formation of The P.L.O. The Philistine Liberation Organization welcomes as new members anyone who supports this cause. The basic tenets of the PLO are divided into two general categories: things we like and things we don't like. An overall score of 80% qualifies you for membership. Things we like: 1. Montovani's music - great stuff, easy listening. 2. McDonald's burgers - great taste, fast service, ok price. 3. Vinyl instead of leather for gloves, clothing, upholstery, etc. - cheaper, requires less care, more durable. 4. Canadian wine - good high for the buck. 5. Shopping at K-mart - hey, they got some good stuff there, ya know. 6. Commodore 64s - good games and they're real computers, too. 7. Shopping Mall landscape art - ain't it amazing how real that stuff looks. 8. Barry Manilow's songs - they capture the true meaning of life. 9. Hockey Night in Canada, Monday Night ____ball, etc. - great entertainment. 10. "If I have to go to a 'concert', I hope they play some marches - you know, something I can hum along with and tap my feet to." Things we don't like: 1. Real flowers - they wilt and need care - plastic's much better. 2. BMW's, Mercedes, etc. - I'll take an Econoline any day. 3. Gourmet food - so little food, such bad tastes, such high prices! 4. 100% wool or cotton - they require too much and too costly care - give me polyester or acrylic any day. 5. Symphony orchestra concerts - especially playing 20th century music. 6. Real wood furniture - vinyl laminate is easier to care for and harder to damage. 7. Birkenstock Sandals - footware of the truly effete snobs. 8. "Serious" drama - hey, for $25 it had better make me laugh a lot. 9. Pictures that aren't pictures of anything. 10. "Cocktail" parties that serve only Perrier and vegetables. Want to join the P.L.O.? ok, you're probably already a member then. Want to add to the tenets? E-mail your suggestions to me, and I'll keep a list. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 On the subject of interns examining overweight women, the symptoms of pregnancy are often masked by obesity. The brother-in-law of a friend told me the first part of this story; my cousin told me the second. Both are now doctors, and both assured me that the stories are true. In attempting to do a vaginal/cervical exam on a very overweight woman the intern could not make room to do his work. He finally enlisted the aid of two orderlies who wrapped the woman's legs in sheets and pulled them apart. Still not having enough room, the intern pushed a chair between her legs and made his diagnosis: "You're pregnant," he said. "But how you got that way without two sheets and a chair is beyond me." After making a similar comment, my cousin was informed by the patient, "You're not the first short-dick white boy to tell me that." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 In our image processing lab we recently had a chance to digitize and then re-view some of the Presidential campaign speeches. Of particular interest was George Bush's famous "Read my lips, No New Taxes" speech. We hired a speech specialist and showed the tape to her over and over several times. Not only was the tape played back slowly, but we performed a zoom operation on the (now) President's face. As she read his face for clues, it became painfully obvious to her that George Bush was saying -- "Read my lips, No Nude Taxes". With this subjective information, we called the White House for an explanation. Reluctantly the White House Staff admitted that yes, that was correct - "The President planned to clothe new taxes as user fees". 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 I heard this on National Public Radio this morning: A letter from a listener, in regards to a story about the minimum wage proposals said: "George Bush should be paid the $4.25/hour minimum wage he proposes and Dan Quayle should get the lower training wage." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Speaking for the whole company, Mr. Sizya Lubuva of Kinondomi, Dar es Salaam, said: "A number of us were having a conference about the future of the village as a tourist center when Mr. Nuugu Tabara said he would climb up the palm under which we were sitting to get some coconut milk for us. No sooner had he climbed the tree, than he was attacked by a huge Indian crow and fell down onto the roof of Mr. Malinjoo's Ford Fiesta. There is no truth to the suggestion that we were boozing away our time on komoni, although I agree coconut milk is one its ingredients. Everyone knows how dangerous those crows are. They will snatch food off your plate, and last week they stole three bedsheets and a loudspeaker from my sister's house." -- Daily News (Tanzania), February 24, 1989 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 When I was in London several months ago, I was staying in a hotel that is well known for its great service. Anyway, we got back from the theater one night at around 12:30 AM, and we decided to call for a little tea and apple pie. So anyay, we phoned down for it, and an hour passed and it still had not come. I phoned down again and asked when the apple pie might be here. The response was: "Oh, we beg your pardon sir, it's just leaving the kitchen now. It should be up to your room momentarily." To that, I asked, "But I ordered it an hour ago. What took so long? What were you doing, baking it?" "Yes, sir." I put the phone down. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 [Background: Stephen Rice, a Seattle man, is charged with shooting at the windows of a local Exxon station. Jonathan Love is the prosecutor for the case] (From the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, page B1, Wednesday, April 19th:) Love requested bail be set at $5000 pending arraignment tomorrow and expressed concerns about the release of Rice. "The defendant stated he would continue to shoot at Exxon stations until they did something in Alaska about the oil spill," Love told the court. "At the rate Exxon is progressing, it is best that Mr. Rice remain in jail." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 I heard this one a few years ago in East Germany..... Erich Honnecker (the president of East Germany) was invited to Moscow by Gorbachev for a visit. After weeks of preparation by Gorby, Honnecker arrives in Moscow. As part of of celebration activities, there is a big parade through the streets of Moscow. While the two are watching the parade, Gorbachev takes a small boy aside and asks him, "Who is your mother?" The child repiles, "Mother Russia." "And who is your father?", asks Gorbachev. The boy answers, "Why, its you Uncle Gorbachev!". Finally Gorbachev asks the boy, "and what do you want to be when you grow up?". The boy proudly replies, "a good communist!". Erich Honnecker, meanwhile, has been watching this and is very impressed. So impressed, that he decides to invite Gorbachev to [East] Berlin for a visit. Again, after weeks of preparation, Gorbachev's plane lands in Berlin. And again, part of the celebration includes a parade. Remembering what Gorbachev did in Moscow, Honnecker repeats the scene: He asks a little boy in the crowd, "Who is your mother?" The child replies "the GDR [German Democratic Republic--East Germany]." "And who is your father?", asks Honnecker. "Why, its you Uncle Honnecker!", replies the child. "And what do you want to be when you grow up?" queries Honnecker. Without hesitation, the boy replies "an orphan." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 I heard the following many years ago from a friend who heard it in person at a public lecture by the famous C. Northcote Parkinson at the Indian Institute of Technology, Madras. Since this is second-hand (and from memory), it may not be an exact quote but is close enough. The original delivery almost brought the house down, as the cliche' goes. Government's handling of a difficult matter by appointing a Commission of Enquiry is just like a person going to the toilet -- there is a sitting, a report, and then the matter is dropped! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Seems a mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of his (also a mute). In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing. The friend replied (vocally!) "Oh, can that hand-waving shit. I can talk now." Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. Seems he had gone to a specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment program that had restored the use of his vocal chords. Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist. They got an appointment that very afternoon. After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that there was no permanent damage, that the mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that there was no reason why he couldn't be helped as well. "Yes, yes" signed the mute. "Let's have the first treatment right now!" "Very well," replies the specialist. "Kindly go into the next room, drop your pants and lean over the examining table. I'll be right in." The muts does as instructed, and the doctor sneaks in with a broomstick, mallet and jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he "sends it home" with a few deft swipes of the mallet. The mute jumps from the table, screaming "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa!!!" "VERY good," smiles the doctor. "Next Tuesday, we start with 'B'" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 One very cold night, a young man dropped into the local brothel and the madam said, "You'll have to wait." "But there's lots of girls that aren't busy right now." "Yes, but several of the rooms are closed for repairs." "Listen, I'm pretty desparate. I don't need a room." So she takes his money and he goes upstairs with one of the staff and, after looking for a place to consummate the transaction, they decide to do it on the roof. But it's a very cold night, and they freeze to death and fall to the sidewalk. A passing drunk looks them over, staggers to the door, and knocks. "Go away!" says the madam. "We don't allow drunks in here!" "I don't want in," says the drunk. "I just wanted to tell you that your sign fell down." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible. The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it. The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock. The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 This was printed in the San Francisco Examiner, April 16, 1989. The poet is anonymous because, to quote the IRS spokesman, "anything that's sent to the IRS is classified as confidential". -Karen I think that I shall never see a tax form plain e-nough for me. A form that I can understand without a lawyer near at hand to guide this poor benighted me so I won't owe a pen-al-ty. A form that I will not detest or take as more than awful jest. A form with pages I can read and fill out ea-si-ly with speed. Such forms weren't made for fools like me Nor even God, who made a tree. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 It's the first time that father is giving baby Jan a bath. After a while mother hears baby Jan crying and screaming. She goes to the bathroom and sees that father is dragging baby Jan through the water with his ears! "What are you doing," asked mother to father, "you are holding him by his ears!" "Do you want me to burn my hands," replied father .... 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 In a jury trial in Battleford, Sask., a few decades back, a farmer was charged with bestiality after he became amorous with one of his cows. The chief Crown witness, the hired man, testified that he saw his boss place a milk stool behind the cow, then stand on the stool and take liberties with the cow. Moments later, the witness said, the cow kicked over the stool and the farmer fell to the floor of the barn. Upon hearing this, a farmer in the jury box slapped his thigh and exclaimed, "They'll do that every time!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Taken from the May/June 1989 Utne Reader, which took this from Shawn Gosieski, New Cyclist, Fall 1988. (and it has come in from other sources -ed) A Zen teacher saw five of his students returning from the market, riding their bicycles. When they arrived at the monastary and had dis- mounted, the teacher asked the students, "Why are you riding your bicycles?" The first student replied, "The bicycle is carrying the sack of potatoes. I am glad that I do not have to carry them on my back!" The teacher praised the first student, "You are a smart boy! When you grow old, you will not walk hunched over like I do." The second student replied, "I love to watch the trees and fields pass by as I roll down the path!" The teacher commended the second student, "Your eyes are open, and you see the world." The third student replied, "When I ride my bicycle, I am content to chant nam myoho renge kyo." The teacher gave praise to the third stu- dent, "Your mind will roll with the ease of a newly trued wheel." The fourth student replied, "Riding my bicycle, I live in harmony with all sentient beings." The teacher was pleased, and said to the fourth student, "You are riding on the golden path of non-harming." The fifth student replied, "I ride my bicycle to ride my bicycle." The teacher sat at the feet of the fifth student and said, "I am your student!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 One night, Erich Honnecker was in the bedchamber having some pillow talk with his mistress. He was in a magnanimous mood and offered her a present of her choice. She thought about his offer for a moment and then replied, "Oh, Erich, if there is one thing I would like you to do for me, it is this: open the borders just for one day." Honnecker said, "Of course, my dear," but was a bit puzzled by her request. He asked, "But why would you have me do such a thing?" The mistress replied, "I want to be alone with you." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Computer Charged with Murder After Frying Chess Champ by Ragan Dunn A Soviet super-computer has been ordered to stand trial for the murder of chess champion Nikolai Gudkov -- who was electorcuted when he touched the metal board that he and the machine were playing on! "This was no accident -- it was cold-blooded murder," Soviet police investigator Alexei Shainev told reporters in Moscow. "Niko Gudkov won three straight games and the computer couldn't stand it. When the chess master reached for his knight to begin play in the fourth game, the computer sent a lethal surge of electricity to the board surface. The computer had been programmed to move its chess pieces by producing a low-level electric current. "Gudkov was electrocuted while a gallery of hundreds watched." The decision to put the computer on trial stunned legal experts around the world. [I hope computer experts are also shocked, so to speak. --spaf] But the Soviets are convinced that the computer had the pride and intelligence to develop a hatred for Gudkov -- and the motive and means to kill him. The mind-boggling murder drama unfolded during a six-day chess marathon between the M2-11 supercomputer and Gudkov, a world class chess player. According to reports, Gudkov defied all odds [Calculated by the same supercomputer, no doubt. --spaf] and beat the machine in three consecutive games. And when they prepared to begin their forth, a deadly dose of electricity flowed up into the electronic board and zapped Gudkov dead. Soviet authorities initially thought that the surge of electricity was caused by a short-circuit. But an examination of the computer revealed no problems. It was later determined that the machine diverted the flow of electricity from its brain to the chess board to ensure a victory over Gudkov. [This implies that Soviet semiconductors work at voltages of a few hundred volts, or maybe their supercomputers are tube-based? --spaf] "The computer was programmed to win at chess and when it couldn't do that legitimately, it killed its opponent," said investigator Shalnev. "It might sound ridiculous to bring a machine to trial for murder. [!!] But a machine that can solve problems and think [sic] faster than any human must be held accountable for its actions." Rudi Hagemann, the Swiss legal scholar, agreed with the Soviet cop. He said that the development of artificial intelligence has come so far in recent years that certain computers and some robots "must be considered human." It isn't clear how the Soviets will punish the computer if it is found guilty when it goes to court this spring. [Send it to a Gulag for reprogramming? --spaf] But Hagermann says the machine will probably be reprogrammed or dismantled altogether. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A duck walks into a pharmacy waddles up to the prescription counter and rings the bell. The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help you?". The duck relplies, "Yes, I would like a box of condoms". "Why certainly", says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or would you like me to put it on your bill?". The duck answers, "What kind of duck do you think I am?" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 "Soviet lotto jackpot features toilet paper" (various sources) MOSCOW - A lottery in the Ukranian city of Stakhanov didn't top the $115 million jackpot offered last week in Pennsylvania, but the winners seemed happy with their prizes: rolls of toilet paper. The newspaper "Literary Gazette told the story of Ira, a girl who bought three tickets and walked away with several rolls of toilet paper, a towel and a small bowl. The lottery tickets cost 50 kopeks - about 81 cents - more than the actual price of mant of the prizes. "But don't forget that there are great shortages," Wednesday's article read. "In the city of Stakhanov, except for the lottery, one cannot get these goods." Other lucky ticket holders in Stakhanov won hens, pigs, goats, detergent, and bath soap. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A U.S. Army survival manual tells how a stranded serviceman should deal with the inhabitants of wherever he is: "Be respectful of their personal property, especially their women." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Comment on the Ayatollah's funeral in Tehran (wherein the corpse of the dead religious leader was apparently tossed to the ground by frenzied mourners trying to get a piece of his burial shroud to keep as a relic: "It was a dignified affair, by Iranian standards." (from Steve Hanson, DJ on Pittsburgh's WMYG) Q: What's the differnce between an Iranian funeral and an English soccer match? A: They sell beer at an English soccer match. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 I wrote this letter many years ago: Pennsylvania State University Admissions Address Dear Sir, I have received your acceptance for admission, and I regret to inform you that I will not be attending your university in coming years. As a senior in high school, I have applied to many other fine institutions to further my education. And, although yours ranks high among them, I'm afraid that you failed to qualify. Elimination under my system doesn't mean that you are not qualified to educate other fine young men and women. It merely reflects the high caliber of colleges and universities competing for my acceptance. My best wishes for your future. Sincerely, Brian Jay Gould 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 According to several press reports, the new drug of choice is licking toads. What a great lead!! Yes, Bufo Alvirus (Sonoran desert toad to you simple folk) secretes (a sweating toad?) bufotinine which doesn't do damn for the toad, but makes humans feel very high indeed. Says the Examiner story: "If you tried to lick this toad, it would be a felonious act." No report to date mentions what the toad turns into when you lick it. Why not milk the toads and mix the stuff with something nice? The head of DEA's western regional laboratory is not concerned: "It's too nasty to screw around with," he said. "And you're going to have to come up with a lot of toads to compete with cocaine and marijuana." The Berkeley police chief was suspicious because he knew of no occurence of bufotinine use in Berkeley: "If it happened anywhere, it'd be here," he said. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A young lady had unwantedly become pregnant and wanted an abortion. Unfortunately, a medical examination showed she could not and when told so by her doctor she broke down and cried. "I can't have a baby now...", she said, "There must be something you can do!". The doctor thought about this for a while, and suddenly he came up with an idea: "There is bound to be someone in this hospital in for an appendix operation when you give birth, and we'll just give her the baby and tell her it wasn't the appendix after all." The young lady agreed to his plan, but at the time she was giving birth there were no women in for appendix operation in the hospital, in fact the only person who was was an old priest. The doctor, desperately realizing the gravity or the situation and his promise figured he might as well try anyway. The priest was overwhelmed. Convinced this was an immaculate conception he took his little son home. The years passed and his son grew to become a fine boy. The priest was getting old, and finally he he called his son to his deathbed. "There is something I have to tell you", said the priest, "I am not your father". His son looked at him in surprise. The priest went on; "I am your mother, the bishop is your father". 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 SYDNEY, Australia (NB) -- A friend of Newsbytes swears that the following is a true story: After buying a PC from a dealer of shady shady repute, the luckless customer unpacked his new toy and plugged it in to find it Dead On Arrival. Naturally, after checking the usual things, he called the dealer and explained his problem. First question from Deviously Evasive Dealer: "Did you check to see whether the power was on?" "Of course." DED: "Did you open the cover and check whether any of the boards had shaken loose in shipping?" "Of course." DED: Then why are you calling me?" "Well, you sold it to me and there has to be some kind of warranty," pleaded the frustrated purchaser. "Of course there is," replied the DED, "But you voided the warranty when you opened the cover." Like we said, he swears it's a true story. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 (On Late Night on 6/6/89.) Dave has one of his more respectable guests on the show, a Connecticut lady (didn't catch the name) who caters weddings and other social events, and has written books on the subject. She poses a question for Dave, that apparently someone has written her: "Suppose have have set up a huge party in honor of someone. You have set up a band, a large outdoor tent, and a complete spread of hors 'doeuvres, etc. Hundreds of invitations have been sent out. "Then, the night before the event, the guest of honor dies. What would you do?" Dave replied, "Make sure he had adequate ventilation." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 From: "de banaan wordt bespreekbaar", cultuurverandering in ambtelijk en politiek Groningen. door Tom Pauka en Rein Zunderdorp (Nijgh en van Ditmar, 1988) Translated: "the banana becomes open to discussion", cultural changes in administrative and political Groningen (city in Netherlands) by Tom Pauka and Rein Zunderdorp (Nijgh and van Ditmar, 1988)] Red-tapism: Take a cage with apes. In the cage we hang a banana on a string, and put a stairs under it. Before long an ape goes to the stairs towards the banana, but as soon as it even touches the stairs, all apes are sprayed with water. After a while the same ape or another one makes another attempt, with the same result: all apes are sprayed. If later another ape tries to climb the stairs, the others will try to prevent it. Now we take one ape from the cage and put in a new one. The new ape sees the banana, and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror all other apes attack him. After another attempt he knows: if he wants to climb the stairs, he is beaten up. Then we remove a second ape and replace it by another new one. The newcommer goes to the stairs and gets beaten up. The previous new ape takes part in the punishment with enthousiasm. A third old ape is replaced by a third new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and get beaten up as well. Two of the apes who beat him, have no idea why you may not climb the stairs. We replace the fourth old ape, and the fifth, etc until all apes which ones have been sprayed with water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever tries to climb the stairs. "but Sir, why not?" "Because that's the way we do things here, lad." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Mr. Cohen Sr. has worked his whole life, dedicated to his nail business. On his 70th birthday, he decides he's ready to retire to Florida, so he gives the nail business to his son and goes to Florida. Six months later Cohen Sr. gets a phone call from Cohen Jr., "Hi Dad! Guess what! I've come up with a great new advertising campaign for the business. You'll be so proud. Come on out--you've got to see it." So Cohen Sr. eagerly flies back home to see his son's accomplishment. Cohen Jr. picks his father up from the airport and they drive to the factory. Halfway there, Cohen Jr. points out a billboard to his father. It is a picture of Jesus Christ nailed to the cross. The slogan below says, "For the toughest job, use Cohen's nails!" Aghast, Cohen Sr., gasps, "Oy! Son, I'm sorry, but you can't use that. That will never work for advertising." Cohen Jr. relents to his father's experienced wisdom and immediately removes the offensive billboards. Cohen Sr. travels back to Florida. Six months later, the father again receives a phone call. "Dad, I took your advice and got rid of the old ad campaign. Now I've come up with something even better! Come on out and look!" Cohen Sr. again flies out, and again, his son drives him from the airport to the factory. Two miles out from the factory, Cohen Sr. draws his breath rapidly. On the billboard, is a picture of a cross, with Christ crumpled in a heap at the bottom. The slogan says, "You should have used Cohen's nails!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him. She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose. The undertaker said, "But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time. The lady said, "Who's paying for this?" Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit. After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast. The funeral director said, "Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 If Operating Systems Were Beers... DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available. Mac Beer: At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan. Windows 3.1 Beer: The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it. OS/2 Beer: Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold. Windows 95 Beer: You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew. Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars. Unix Beer: Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years. AmigaDOS Beer: The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway. VMS Beer: Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Bill Gates dies and comes up to the Pearly Gates. St Peter: Well, you've got a choice. Have a look around here. Pop down to Hell and see what Satan has to offer. Check us out, and then let me know your decision. Bill has a look around heaven. Lots's of sombre people singing hymns, praising the Lord (and probably writing Ada:-). He goes down to Hell. There are beautiful beaches, lots of sun, sand, attractive women (and a lot of C and Basic :-). Long cool drinks that never get you drunk. He loves it. He goes back to St Peter. Gates: Look, I know you're really doing good things here, but Hell seems more with it. More my kind of scene, you know what I mean? No hard feelings, but I pick Hell. St Peter: No worries. You've got it. Bill finds himself back in Hell, neck deep in fire and brimstone, suffering eternal torment. He can't work it out. Gates: Hey! StPeter! Where are the beautiful girls and long beaches and cool drinks? St Peter: Sorry if you got confused, That was just the demo version. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A list of classic pick-up lines ------------------------------- That dress would look awfully nice on the floor next to my bed... Do you want to see something swell? Hey babe....do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi? Drop 'em. What do you like for breakfast? Is that a double ended dildo or are you just glad to see me? Is that a tic-tac in your pocket or are you just glad to see me? Hi there! I'm interested in having breakfast with you. Can I call you or nudge you? Excuse me. Do you wanna fuck or should I apologize? Irish : Have you got a little Irish in you? She: Uh...no.... Irish: Well, do you want some? Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masturbate and I was wondering if you'd mind if I fantasize about you? Say, didn't we go to different schools together? Wanna fuck like bunnies? Why don't you come on over here, sit on my lap, and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up? I had a friend who used to hand out calling cards which said: Smile if you want to sleep with me then watch the victim try to hold back her smile... Hi, my name's Ron, how do you like me so far? Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us --------- I had a friend give a card that on the front: 1 2 3 4 Pick a number and then on the back of the card it read: Sex maniacs always pick 3 you wouldn't believe how many women pick 3. It was a great card. --------- You smell wet. Let's Party. Pardon me miss, but I help noticing that you have cum in your hair. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money? Would you like to dance, or should I go fuck myself again? Hey baby, let's go make some babies. At the office copy machine: Reproducing eh? Can I help? Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa? ----------- From: MAD Magazine: Classic Flops Spring 1986. 9 Very Unsuccessful Pick-up Lines: --------------------------------- 1. "Would you like to see my boa constrictor?" 2. "Is that a false nose?" 3. "You look like a hooker I knew in Fresno." 4. "I'm drunk." 5. "Hi, my friends call me Creepy." 6. "Would you like to come to a party in my toolshed?" 7. "I just threw up." 8. "You're ugly but you intrigue me." 9. "I had to find out what kind of woman would go out dressed like that." ------------ Gee, you don't sweat much for a fat chick. You look more beautiful than Nurse Chapel Miss, If you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in? I think we must make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW! Walk over to a table occupied by ladies, whip out your `pud' and say: Hey charlie, see anyone here you recognize? Hey baby...infect me! Hey baby...can you suck the chrome off a bumper?!? Hey baby...can you suck the chrome off a trailer hitch? Hey baby...can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden hose? Hey baby...can you suck start a Harley? Motion your finger to a girl to get her to come your way. When she arrives say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough you would cum." Hey babe, how about a pizza and a fuck? What's the matter, don't like pizza? I saw you at the party last weekend and you look kind of interesting... Let's meet sometime... I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good. --------- The front reads: +------------------------------------+ |No Phone No Business| | | | | | | | | | | | No Name | | | | | | | | | |No Address No Money| +------------------------------------+ And the back reads: +------------------------------------+ | I'M A SILENT SEDUCER | | | |Any chance to crawl in the sack with| |you tonight? | |If so, just keep the card: If not, | |kindly return it because they are | |expensive. | | | |I'm not as good as I once was. | |But I'm good once as I ever was! | | | |P.S. You don't have to say yes | | Just Smile!| +------------------------------------+ ------------- She (to passing man): Excuse me, do you have the time? He: Do you have the energy? What is your favorite position on extramarital sex? Hey babe, Wanna get LUCKY!!!!!! "Say mother! Want another?" (if she has children) Suck my dick or I'll blow your fucking head off. [requires a gun] No, I'm not a cop. What can I get for fifty bucks? Will you marry me and have my children? [unfortunate side-effects: beware!] If you ever want to see your children again, you'll do what I want. You're hitchhiking across the Mojave Desert? Alone? I'm really sorry about Al. It was a lovely funeral. You look ravishing in black, did you know that? What you need now is a nice backrub. Are the straps too tight, darling? How tragic. How very, very tragic. Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart. Bond. James Bond. Stand back, I'm a doctor. You go get an ambulance, I'll loosen her clothes. It's absolutely pure Bolivian. And I don't *give* it away. Nothing I can say will ease of the loss of your daughter, but rest assured that the Morgenstern Funeral Home will do everything possible to bring you peace of mind in this harrowing time. Hello, Susie. Your mom couldn't make it this afternoon, she asked me to pick you up and take you home. My, what a pretty dress. You know, I'd really love to fuck your brains out, but it appears someone beat me to it. Excuse me, do you live around here often? Would you like to see a baby picture of me? (Shows the girl the picture of a baby better endowed that most men.) Hello, Love, - Do you spit or swallow? You look like the type of girl who has heard every line in the book... So what's one more?? Hey babe -- did you know I'm on the Harvard Mailing List? Your place, or mine? What's your sign? Nice shoes. Wanna fuck? Would you like to have morning coffee with me? Excuse me, do you wanna spoon or should I apologize? You have the ass of a great artist. FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS: 1: MAKE SURE THAT YOU ARE IN THE FRONT OF THE PERSON WHO YOU'RE TRYING TO ATTRACT. 2: PUT YOUR HANDS IN A VERTICAL PLANE AND SEPERATE YOUR HANDS TO THE PROPER DISTANCE YOU WANT TO GET ACROSS 3: LOOK AT THE PERSON OF YOUR AFFECTIONS AND WITH A SHIT EATING-EAR TO EAR GRIN SHAKE YOUR HEAD UP AND DOWN AS TO REPLY THAT YOU'RE THIS BIG! There's the old classic from the movie Fletch: (to girl in towel): Excuse me, could I borrow your towel? My car just hit a water buffalo. Your face or Mine?? Her: What do you think of this (dress, sweater, article of clothing)? Him: I like nothing better. The best pickup line I witnessed was a friend of mine who walked up to a young lady in a club and asked "Are you ready to go home now?". They left together. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you. That's a nice dress - could I talk you out of it? If I told you that you have a nice body, would you hold _IT_ against me? When asked for a match: How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs? Take off that dress and fuck my brains out you cave newt. Nice tits. Mind if I feel them? I love you. I want to marry you. Now fuck my brains out. Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist. Let's take a shower together --you smell. I've gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade Kiss me you fool, fuck me you harlot. I've got an itch, honey. Lower. lower. in. out. If I was Elvis, would you screw me? I want to thank you for [insert any event here], Grab your ankles bitch! Wanna play carnival? That's where you sit on my face and I try to guess your weight. If you want me, don't shake me, or wake me, just take me. Want to see my stamp collection? I wanna floss with your pubic hair. I'm on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler? I'd look good on you. Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me?!?! I thought you knew... At the dinner table, (if you eat together) pickup the bread and say, "Wanna roll?" Excuse me, have I fuuced you yet? I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I've got more of something else. Ever tried those wierd prickly condoms?" (sure to get responses) Funny you should mention that, I was a gynecologist once. Cold out isn't it? (staring at breasts) "Actually, Ma'am, Ah'm not as tall as you think. Ah'm from Taixus, and Ah'm sittin' on mah wallet." Hey! Ya wanna try out my new 'Home Artificial Insemination Kit?' I would kill or die to make love to you. I would die happy if I saw you naked just once. I am writing a new algorithm, and I need some test data. What are your measurements? I have some hard code I want to try your compiler on. Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines 10. "I'm down here" 9. "Just because I've got bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy" 8. "I was once a lawn ornament for John Bon Jovi" 7. "I can get you off the naughty list" 6. "I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys" 5. "I'm a magical being. Take off your bra." 4. "No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over at Keebler" 3. "I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man" 2. "You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig" 1. "I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners" -- Late Night with David Letterman, from Michael Wertheim Sometimes it can be helpful to start with a complement. eg. after "accidently" bumping her boobs, noticing a loose button, etc. say "If they weren't sooo large it wouldn't have happened" Sex is a killer ... so die happy! I love every bone in your body - especially mine "Hey... somebody farted. Let's get out of here." "Say, Didn't we go to different high schools at the same time?" The most common pick-up line used in a gay bar: "May I push in your stool?" I have only three months to live (heard it in a movie ... of course, this was all before AIDS) Chicks dig me; I wear colored underwear. Excuse me, is it true that you're a sexual tyrannosaurus? I'm a copilot for American Airlines. Hi, I make more money than you can spend. That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed. Excuse me... do you have change for a $100 bill? Hi! Can I buy you a Car? NOW, BITCH! Fancy a fuck? My face is leaving in 15 minutes. Be on it. -------------- Lines by women: -- Please may I rest my head on your shoulder? -- Do you know how to use this? [a vibrator] -- How about a night of passion in Doncaster? ----------- He: "What was that?" She: "What was what?" He: "That sound." She: "I didn't hear anything." He: "It was the sound of my heart breaking." --------- There's always Harlan Ellison's great failure: Q: Wha'dya say to a little fuck? A: Go away, little fuck. ----------- How about the best response to an unwanted pickup? Man: So what do you do for a living? Woman: Female impersonator. ---------- You've got the whitest teeth I've ever come across..... -----------end of list------------- Female to guy: Hi, you look like a real wanker. (pause for effect) Want a break tonight? The guys usually spend so much time trying to convince you that they're not a "wanker" (that ego thingy) that in the end they are trying to pick *you* up!!!! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Why don't you just let us take out the socket? You aren't using it anyway, and it will only cause you trouble later. How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed? This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile ... How many ... Accountants? What kind of answer did you have in mind? Actors? One: They don't like to share the spotlight. Alcoholics? One: He holds the bulb and the world spins around him. Amish? Amish don't have light bulbs, they bake pies. Anarchists? All of them. Apple and IBM nuts? An infinite number: nothing useful gets done while they're arguing. Finally a disgusted generic computer user (who will use any type that is in front of him) gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing the participants aside. The size of the crowd arguing seems to be a function of time, although whether or not the function is exponential is not known. Assholes? None: They never see the light anyway. Astronomers? None: they prefer the dark. Atheists? None: They're never in the dark. How many light bulbs does it take to fix an atheist? It doesn't matter. They wouldn't glow anyway. Auto mechanics? Two: One to try to put in the wrong bulb, and one to replace the socket. Six: One to force it with a hammer, and five more to go out for more bulbs. Babysitters? None: Pampers aren't made small enough. Bankers? Four: one to hold the bulb, and three to try to remember the combo. Bass players? Six: One to change it, five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light. Big black monoliths? Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end. Bikers? Two: one to change the bulb, the other to kick the switch. Brewers? About one third less than for a regular bulb. Brokers? 100: 99 to climb the staircase, and one to say he wasn't hurt in the crash. MY GOD!! IT BURNED OUT!! SELL ALL MY GE STOCK NOW!!!!!! Two: one to take the bulb out and drop it and one to try to sell it before it crashes. Bureaucrats? None: "We contract out for things like that." Two: One to screw it in and one to screw it up. Two: One to assure that everything possible is being done while the other screw the bulb into the water faucet. Five: One to change the bulb and four to write an environmental impact report. An infinite number: One to spot the burned out bulb, his supervisor to authorize a requisition, a requisition typist, twelve clerks to file the requisition copies, a mail clerk to deliver the requisition to the purchasing department, a purchasing agent to order the bulb, a clerk to forward the purchasing order, a clerk to mail-order a receiving clerk to receive the new bulb ... Californians? Seven: One to screw in the bulb, six to experience it. Six: One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience. They don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs. Capitalists? Two: One to screw in the new bulb, one to market the old one. Carl Sagans? Billions and billions. Chinese Red Guards? 10,000: To give the bulb a cultural revolution. Chiropractors? Only one, but it takes nine visits. Christians? Three, but they're really only one. Christian Scientists? None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on. Circus performers? Four: One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go! College students? Two, but they both get 10 credits for doing it. Computer security experts? "That depends on the TCSEC rating of the object light bulb. If it's a C2 bulb (or below), one. If a B1 bulb, just one, but he/she must document the potential covert channel. If a B2 bulb, he/she must also audit the covert channel. If a B3/A1 bulb, none, since covert channels are not allowed. [See also the "Orange Book"] Conservatives? None: they liked the old one so much that nothing could compare to it. Cops? None: It turns itself in. One, but he's always at the donut shop when you need him. Daleks? Daleks don't change light bulbs, they level the building. 1,500,000: To conquer a race that can climb ladders. DBase People? Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the bulb insertion program, and one to act as the bulb admin- istrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the bulb at the same time. Dead Babies? As many as it takes to make a pile big enough to climb on to reach the bulb. Doctors? Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare. That depends on whether it has health insurance. One, but he has a nurse tell him which end to screw in. Dope addicts? Two: One to roll it, and one to light it up. Dull people? One. Editors? Two: One to change the bulb, and one to issue a rejection slip to the old bulb. Efficiency experts? None: They only replace dark bulbs. Two: One to change the bulb and one to issue a rejection slip to the old one. Emergency room technicians? One, but the bulb will have to wait 45 minutes in the waiting room. American Princesses? Two: One to call Daddy, and one to open the Diet Pepsi. European ballet dancers? None: they like Danzig in the dark. Evolutionists? One, but it takes over eight million years. Existentialists? Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness. Fatalists? "What does it matter? We're all going to die anyway." Feminists? "That's not funny!" Two: One to change the bulb, and one to write about how it feels. Two: One to screw it in, and one to kick the balls off any man trying to help the first. Three: One to screw it in, and two to talk about the sexual implications. Three: One to change the bulb, and two to secretly wish they were the socket. Four: One to change it, and three to write about how the bulb is exploiting the socket. Football players? The whole team, and they all get a semester's credit for it. Fundamentalists? "The Bible doesn't mention light bulbs." Gardeners? One. The new light bulbs are just as easy to change as the old ones. Gas fitters? Three: One to turn it up the day before when you're out, one to change the switch, and one to bring along the wrong kind of bulb. Gay rights activists? None: The bulb shouldn't have to change for society to accept it. Gays? Two: One to screw it in, the other to say "Fabulous!" Generals? 1,000,001: One to change the bulb, and 1 million to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again. Gorillas? One, but it takes tons of light bulbs. Graduate students? I don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my advisor a $100,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he can tell me how to do the work for him so he can take the credit for answering this incredibly vital question. One, but it may take him upward of five years to do it. Greek gods? Two: one to hold the bulb, the other to turn the planet. Grocery store cashiers? None: They won't even change a dollar. Gypsies? None, but you lose a lot of light bulbs. Hackers? "You mean it's dark in here?" Hardware Engineers? None: That's a software project. None: They always work in the dark. None: They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature. None: "We'll code around it." None: "The diagnostics check, so it must be software." Harvard students? One: He holds the bulb, and the universe spins around him. Helmsley employees? 100: 99 to try, and one to fire them all. Homophobics? None: They refuse to do it because they're terrified that the sockets aren't really female. It obviously has to be done by just one. They don't screw around with other men. Two: One to do it, and one to get the sterile rubber gloves because it's possible that a gay touched the bulb before him. None: They prefer that the bulb stay in the closet. IBM People? One, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it. 100: Ten to change the bulb, and ninety to write a document number gc7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ____ consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by spaces." Illinois basketball players? One, but he gets money, a car, and three credit hours for it. Insects? Only two. Well, how many do you think it should take? Irishmen? Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins. Japanese industrialists? Three: One to make sure that the new bulb is not foreign made, one to change it, and one to look into the export potential of the old bulb. Jewish American princesses? Three: Two to bitch about it, one to call the building superintendant. Jewish Mothers? None: "That's all right - I'll just sit in the dark ...." Jugglers? One, but it takes at least three bulbs. Junkies? "Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?" Keyboardists? "Oh, just one. But this bulb won't do. You want to use a 3-way bulb, but if you can afford it, I hear that next month GE will be coming out .... " Two: One to screw in the bulb, and one to patch it into the Korg. Two: One to change the bulb and one to say "Yeah, that sounds just like it." KGB agents? Two: One to screw it in and the other to check for microphones. Lawyers? How many can you afford? Lead guitarists? Six: One to change it, five to say "I could've done it better." Lead singers? One: He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him. None: Get the bass player to do it. Lesbians? Three: One to screw it in, and two to talk about how much better it was than with a man. Liberals? None: They can't remove the old ones since they are already part of the environment. One and 28 delegates representing all the social, economic and ethnic communities. Libertarians? None: They don't change them because someone might enter the room who wants to sit in the dark. Light bulb joke tellers? 100: One to change the bulb, and 99 to make stupid jokes about it. Light bulbs? One if it knows its own Goedel number. Loggers? One, but he needs a chainsaw to do it. Mac users? One, but it costs $4000 and you have to replace the motherboard. None: You have to replace the motherboard. Two: One to ask the socket to eject the old bulb, and one to insert the new one. Three: One to change the bulb, one to copyright the method for changing the bulb, and one to call in the lawyers on anyone who infringes on the"look and feel" of the bulb changing method. Magicians? That depends on what you want to change it into. Mahayana Buddhists? Four: One to screw in the light bulb, one to not screw in the light bulb, one to not not screw in the light bulb, and one to not do any of these. Marginals? Two: One to screw it in real good, and one to call the proctologist. Martians? 1.5 Marxists? None: the bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. Masseuses? "Whatever turns you on, baby." Mathematicians? None: It's left as an exercise to the reader. One: He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke. Medflies? None: they do it in the fruit. Members of the USS Enterprise? Seven: Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in engineering has burned out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking aroud, notices that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red-shirt security officers beam down. The three security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native King who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission. Men? One, and one more to change it, and one more to keep track of how many there are, and a woman to soothe their minds and provide wax jobs. Mice? Two, but the hard part is getting them into the bulb. Missionaries? 101: One to change the bulb, 100 to convince everyone else to change light bulbs too. Musicians? I don't know, Big Daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it. Twenty: One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 on the guest list. Mystery writers? Two: One to screw it almost all the way, and the other to give it an exciting and surprising twist at the end. National Security Council members? "We can't say." Three in fourteen different countries. NCAA Div. IA football players? Just one, but he gets three units for it. Necrophiliacs? None: they prefer dead bulbs. One: "Oh, excuse me, could you please test the socket with your finger while I go get a new bulb?" New Jersey People? Three: One to change the bulb, one to be a witness, and one to shoot the witness. Newsmen? One, but he'll tell everybody all about it. New Yorkers? None o' yo' damn business! Fifty. Fifty? Yeah; it's in the contract. Nuclear Engineers? Seven. One to install the new bulb, and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years. Ten: One to change the bulb, nine to lie to the NRC. Nuclear War Survivors? None: People who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs. Oregonians? Five: One to change the bulb, and four to chase off the Calif- ornians who came up to relate the experience. Nine: One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that powers it. Oxbridge students? One: He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him. PhD's? Five: One to write the grant proposal, one to do the mathematical modelling, one to type the research paper, one to submit the paper for publishing, and one to hire a student to do the work. People? It takes two to screw anywhere, stupid. Pessimists? "None. The old one is probably screwed in too tightly." Platonists? They don't change bulbs, they have nice fires in their caves and if they need light they go out and look at the sun. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Dispatched weekly to 88 countries AND Creative Labs in Ruscombe, England, it's... THIS is TRUE for 15 October 1995 Copyright 1995 by Randy Cassingham ------------------------------------------------------------------------ TOOK HIS MEDICINE: James W. Lewis has completed his 12-year federal prison term in El Reno, Okla., for his role in the 1983 "Tylenol murders" case. Cyanide-laced capsules put into medicine bottles on store shelves sent the public into a panic, killed seven unwitting headache sufferers, and dramatically changed the way over-the-counter drugs are packaged. Lewis was a suspect in the deaths, but was convicted only of attempting to extort $1 million from the drug's manufacturer in exchange for a promise "to stop the killing." (AP) ...And just as soon as we can find someone who can figure out how to open the "child proof" cell door, we'll let him out. FAT CHANCE: British researchers say dieting makes people forgetful and "vague", but because of the distraction of the diet, not the reduction in calories. "Constantly thinking about food and worrying about diet means that dieters don't have enough mental processing capacity to deal with tasks properly," said Mike Green of the Institute of Food Research in London. The deficit is about the same as a non-dieting person who consumes two alcoholic drinks. Meanwhile, a researcher from the University of Wisconsin Medical School in Madison says that a diet rich in fat dramatically increases the risk of blindness. (Reuter, AP) ...If I get fat, I won't want to see the numbers on the scale anyway. Or is that fuzzy thinking? CUT! A motorist in Dublin saw it all happen: a bank robber shot a guard, then escaped on the back of a motorcycle driven by an accomplice. So he put his car in reverse and was able to thwart their escape by causing them to crash. Unfortunately, the "robbers" were stuntmen, and the getaway was a scene being filmed for television. The motorist "seemed stunned and bewildered," and the film crew reshot the scene so the bad guys would get away, as intended. (Reuter) ...The motorist was "stunned and bewildered"? How about the stuntmen? HAPPY LANDINGS: Three men aboard the Russian space station Mir cannot come home as planned on January 13 because the booster rocket for the spacecraft that will bring their replacements up -- and them back -- hasn't been finished, apparently because of a shortage in construction funding. The new target date: February 21. How do the three cosmonauts feel about the change in plans? "We are going to tell them quite soon, and I am sure they will be pleased about it," a Russian Space Agency spokesman said. (Reuter) ...Yuri, the good news is that you get to avoid the worst part of winter.... UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT: Charles Mahuka, a Honolulu anger-management counselor who helped people "deal with their abusive impulses", had a bit of a problem with a client who was ordered to attend his class by a family court. The client arrived drunk, witnesses say, and Mahuka allegedly lost his temper over the disruption and beat the man unconscious. Doctors say the victim is brain dead; if declared legally dead, the would-be counselor may be charged with murder. (AP) ...Not all is lost: now they all have a good example to talk about. AIM HIGH: The Jockey Club of Southern Africa, which routinely checks the urine of racehorses for illegal substances, indeed found something suspicious in a recent sample: human DNA. Apparently, the horse was unable to provide the sample, so a trainer ordered one of the groomsmen to fill the test container. The official in charge of collecting the sample has been suspended pending an investigation. (Reuter) ...At least they were able to assure him he was clear of any sign of dourine. OLD BOYS' CLUB: Great Neck, N.Y., attorney Rosalie Osias knew that "mortgage banking is an old-boy network." Yet, she wanted a piece of the action. How to break in? "I needed something sexual to get them to notice," she says, and so her firm tried a new ad campaign. One shows her draped across her desk in a short miniskirt; "Try this nonconforming law firm," the ad urges. "It creates a bad image for lawyers who are already getting a bad rap," complained one male lawyer, critiquing the ad. "Maybe the ads brought in clients, but once they were inside my door, I delivered," Osias countered. Business has gone up by 1000% since the ads started. (AP) ...This is a bad trend. I don't think I want to see any lawyer's briefs. CHECK AGAIN LATER: "University Study Says Women, Men Still Different" -- The (Univ. of) Minnesota Daily headline TO RECEIVE "THIS is TRUE" every week free by e-mail, send e-mail to listserv@netcom.com with the message: "subscribe this-is-true" (without quotes) -- please: nothing else on the line. To UNSUBSCRIBE or for HELP subscribing, e-mail this-is-true-approval@netcom.com; a human will help you. Our web page: http://www.infoark.com/freecom/ Comments are welcome: e-mail arcie@netcom.com or write to Randy c/o Freelance Communications, PO Box 91970, Pasadena CA 91109-1970 USA or by Fax to: 500 442-TRUE (442-8783). "This is True" is a trademark of Freelance Communications. * Qwkit 1.0b * With friends like these, who needs scary hallucinations. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Q: What's an Australian Kiss? A: Same as the French kiss, but down under. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 TRIP TO POLAND 12 days - 4 nights Jan. 21- Feb. 30 Schedule: Day 1 - Leave Pittsburgh International Airport 4:35 am All passengers travel 1st class aboard Air Poland's Uni-Engine Jumbo Jet. Day 2 - In Air. Day 3 - In Air. Day 4 - In Air. Day 5 - Arrive Warsaw 9:00 pm and onto Warsaw Hilton basement Annex for box dinner. Day 6 - After breakfast, complete tour of Warsaw 9:30 - 9:40am. Free time for shoplifting, followed by a fabulous 7 course meal: (1 polish sausage and a six pack) Day 7 - Tour the countryside in the comfort of a rebuilt Polish Army Tank. Some continue on by jeep to Bangledash. Day 8 - Back in Warsaw for a tour of the UNiversity of Poland (both buildings). Everyone will see the BOOK in the Health/Science Library. Day 9 - Board your Jumbo Jet to USA. Only three quick stops (2 for fuel and one for directions) Day 10- In air. Day 11- In air. Day 12- Arrive at Pittsburgh between 10am and midnight, depending on weather conditions and fuel leakage. ONLY $49.95 Includes all: Transportation, meals, drugs, hotel accommodation, first aid, and parachutes (open upon impact) Don't Delay...Reservations must be received no later than departure time. For an order form/application leave me a note and I'll send you the form. Courtesy of Titantic Tours Inc. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 It is estimated that the average man speaks five thousand words a day, and the average woman speaks seven thousand. "The trouble is," complained one man, "When I come home from work, I've finished my five thousand, but my wife hasn't started her seven thousand yet." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Cartoon Laws Contributed by Trevor Paquette & Lt. Justin D. Baldwin Cartoon Law I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over. Cartoon Law II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease. Cartoon Law III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout- perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction. Cartoon Law IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful. Cartoon Law V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight. Cartoon Law VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A 'wacky' character has the option of self- replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required. Cartoon Law VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generation, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science. Cartoon Law VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify. Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container. Cartoon Law IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance. This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead. Cartoon Law X. Everything falls faster than an anvil. Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴  HPPY DYS ARE HERE   <:判判判� - Snake stalking person  I'm grinning from 'ere to 'ere   Replace my True Blue PC (PreXT)???? Forget it!   Don't ask me--I'm making this up as I go!   ... Wreck the malls with cows on Harleys ...   It may be GUI but you still can't eat it �  <-- This Bug's For You�[and take another also --> �]  Just some more irrelevant nonsense from me. �  This side up  <- Cloaked Tagline !!!ereh fo tuo em teG !!!pleH "... and I can't get up!" Tom wept impotently. "...and the second time bomb on your right." "...then it would RULE!" -- Butthead "...this is God....STOP!" "100 Years Of Tradition, Unimpeded By Progress". "42? 7 and a half million years and all you can come up with is 42?!" "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981 "69, dude!" -Bill & Ted "@#$%*! I've struck oil," he said crudely. "A five-ounce bird cannot carry a one-pound coconut!" "A lie is terminological inexactitude." Churchill "A sprinkle a day keeps Richard Kiel away." "All clear... except for that Dopefish!" "And like a good neighbor, Gamera is there" "And now, Radio Four will explode." "And remember...when you touch yourself, the Saints cry." "And what about Scarecrow's brain?!" "and ye shall lie to thy voting populace..." - Liberal Bible "And ye shall throw money at the problem." - Liberals 19:94 "and ye shall throw money at the problem..." - Liberal Bible "and you may find yourself, living in a shogun shack..." "Any Moderators here?" <> "Any more?" "Are you a Klingon, or is that a turtle on your head?" "Are you saying we should tax... Thingy?" "Assimilate my shorts!" -Borg Simpson "Assimilated, you will be." -Yoda of Borg "At least she can be in a Peter Gabriel video." "BAD MOTHERS...and the bad fathers who love them" "Be careful with that saw!", he said offhandedly. "BITE ME, It's fun!" "No! Crow! NO!" "Booze is good food." "BOOZE...it's what's for dinner." "Bother!", said Pooh, as he hid Piglet's corpse. "Bother", said Pooh, and deleted his source code. "Bother", said Pooh, and deleted his WAD files. "Bother", said Pooh, and deleted Windows. "Bother", said Pooh, and discorporated. "Bother", said Pooh, and inhaled. "Bother", said Pooh, and loaded up Rise of the Triad. "Bother", said Pooh, and opened fire. "Bother", said Pooh, and reinstalled DOOM. "Bother", said Pooh, as he bumped into Barney. "Bother", said Pooh, as he fell into the nitric acid bath. "Bother", said Pooh, as he fell into the spinblades. "Bother", said Pooh, as he fell into the tiger pit. "Bother", said Pooh, as he got trapped in the printer. "Bother", said Pooh, as he loaded his last round. "Bother", said Pooh, as he pulled the cat off his face. "Bother", said Pooh, as he put on his asbestos suit. "Bother", said Pooh, as he ran into the Archvile. "Bother", said Pooh, as he reached for the flamethrower. "Bother", said Pooh, as he twitted the moderator. "Bother", said Pooh, as his bungie cord broke. "Bother", said Pooh, as his motorcycle left the ground. "Bother", said Pooh, as racked up another frag. "Bother", said Pooh, as the pin fell out the grenade "Bother", said Pooh, as the police closed in. "Bother", said Pooh, as the raptor shook him by the throat. "Bother", said Pooh, as the spaceships landed. "Bother", said Pooh, as the tsunami hit. "Bother", said Pooh, as the Vogon began to read. "Bother", said Pooh, as Windows swapped out again. "Bother", said Pooh, deleting his QWK packet. "Bother," said Pooh when he saw another Pooh tagline. "Bother," said Pooh, and called in an air strike. "Boy, that Data is slicker than cow snot!" - Guinan "Brought to you by the Cowlifornia Milk Cooperatives" "But it worked in Beta testing!" "But, I *DO* know everything" -Q "By this time my lungs were aching for air!" "by trial and re-boot" "Call waiting", great if YOU have two friends "Can you make change for a fifty?" "Captain, why not just give the Borg a 286 and Windows NT" "Careful, we don't want to learn from this." -Calvin "Change it! Change it, Butthead!! This sucks!! This Sucks!!!" "Check it out. There's something cool coming up." -- Butthead "Come in Joel, you fancy, pantsy, nancy-boy!" "Come in Joel, you free floating sewage leak!" "Come on thunder...come on thunder." "Conclusion": The place where you got tired of thinking. "Contestant Number three tripped and her head fell off." "Could you continue your petty bickering? I find it most intriguing." "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.� "Criminals are a superstitious, cowardly lot..." "Daddy, what does 'NOW FORMATTING DRIVE C:' mean?" "Darn fool toy!" "Deal with it, Pink Boy!" "DEEP HURTING!!!!! DEEP HURTING!!!!!" "Depeche Mode is French for we're wussies." -- Butthead "Did I mention that I cried?" "Did you know applesauce can fart?" -PEC "Do you want to go faster? Raise your hand if you want to "Does anyone carry the cow-tipping conference?" "Don't pet Kitty, she's still not dry!" "Don't use our trashcan, it's only for apples!" "Don't worry, I'm fluent in weirdo." "Don't worry, pig lovers! We didn't use a real pig." "Don't you do it! Don't you dare send me a Bannergram!" "Energize!" said Picard and the pink bunny appeared... "Ensign Pillsbury? He's BREAD, Jim!" "Evidence refutes liberalism every time." - Rush Limbaugh "Florence of Arabia" -- feminist camelmanship "Follow my lead, Billy! Santa's packing heat!" "Forgiveness is divine, but never pay full price for a late pizza!" "Get your hands off me, you damn dirty ape!" "Go 'head and steal my tagline... it flatters me." "Ground Beef" -- A Cow With No Legs "He's dead, Jim. Poor devil. Grab his pitch fork, too." "He's dressed up like that dude on the dollar." -- Butthead "Hello World!" 17 Errors, 31 Warnings.... "Hey Butthead, change it or kill me." -- Beavis "Hey Butthead. Does this suck?" -- Beavis "Hey, Worf...I hooked Data up to a Modem...Wanna see?" "Hi, I'm Barney, and I want everyone to know that @FN@ loves me!" "Hi, my Goldfish looks just like yours!" "His bosses didn't like him so they shot him into space!" "Home" is where the computer is plugged in! "How can you be so deaf with those huge ears?" "How you doing today?" "Fine doc." "That'll be $95 please." "I am Buffy of Borg. Prepare to be, like, TOTALLY assimilated." "I am Clinton of Borg. Resistance is taxable!" "I am Dude of Borg! Prepare to be... Whoa! Babes!!!" "I am Homer of Borg! Prepare to be...OOooooo! Donuts!!!" "I am Popeye of Borg. Prepare to be askimilgrated." "I said 'No gnu taxes!' Do you see any gnus being taxed?" "I voted Democratic once, but I'm much better now." "I want to decide who lives and who dies." "I'm Having A Ball Doing Nothing At All" "If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster..." "Illiterate? ... Write for FREE help." "In the end, gravity wins" -- Dolly Parton. "Let 'em eat shit" - Marie Antoinette, 1793 "Let's go into the jungle and kill something!" "Modem," said the gardener when he'd finished the lawn "Mount your horses, men!" "But we're not that desperate!" "My name is Inigo Montoya. You stole my tagline. Prepare to die." "Oh goodness gracious, I'm dead!" "One thing nuclear scientists fear-" "Oops." "Prepare to destroy the Borg! Ensign, upload Windows!" "Really honey....just 1 more message." "She's dead, Jim. Should we bury her or have some fun?" "She's dead, Jim. Still warm, though. Flip ya for her?" "She's so fat that when she sings, it's over." "The Borg assimilated my race and all I got was this lousy T-shirt." "Vini, Vidi, Velcro" -- I came, I saw, I stuck around. "Weird is a relative term" --Frank N. Furter "YES! It's about time they played something cool." -- Butthead "You're out of bullets. Too bad." - Dirty Harry #1 � "Beam me aboard, Scotty." "Sure. Will a 2x10 do?" #define QUESTION { ((�b) || !(�b)) } - Shakespeare #define ROSE any_other_name #include #include '\�o�,�票.�:"/杭v� �컴컴� Tagline debris. ((((((((HYPNOTIC)))))))((((((((TAGLINE))))))) (((((This message in Stereo where available))))) (((((YOU)))))((((ARE))))(((((FEELING)))))(((((SLEEPY))))) ((wrong && wrong) != right) (A)bort (R)etry (F)ail (S)how furry GIF (A)bort (R)etry (I)nfluence with large hammer (A)bort (R)etry (S)ue (A)bort, (R)etry, (I)gnore, (K)ick system? (A)bort, (R)etry, (I)gnore, (S)orry I Asked! (A)bort, (R)etry, (K)ick the friggin' thing? (A)bort, (R)etry, (Q)UAKE? (A)bort, (R)etry, (S)ell it (BorgDOS 1.0) C:\> Assimilate another? [y/n] (c) 1991 by the Great-Compu-Guru Society (tm) (char *)lie = "brown"; (D)inner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza (hic) BWave 2.10 (hic) BWave 2.10 * My computer is drunk ... (huskily) Oh, yes! Scan me NOW! 붸볐볐枋붰낳芙� (takeoffs == landings) ? win() : lose() (Unregistered) <-- World's most popular tagline. (W)indows,(I)cons,(M)ice,(P)ointers,(S)heesh! (�U�) What are you lookin' at?? * <- Tribble . <- Honey I Shrunk the Tribble. * Stupidometer: 栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢같같같같� 64% *** No Response Required *** *** TAGLINE BAN IN EFFECT IN THIS CONFERENCE *** *** The weather is here...wish you were great! **** Nothing Follows **** ***** There is no gravity, the Earth sucks. *****� ************ �eta testers are CRAZY! ************ **FLASH** Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery **FLASH** Everready Bunny arrested, charged with battery. *- I read it on the Continuum -* *-*-*-*-*- KABLOOIE! -*-*-*-*-*-* *.EXE /FUN isnt needed in APOGEE games, it's a default. *Not* using Qmail DeLuxe�...and loving it! *Who WAS that masked mailer?* - A RAM is a terrible thing to waste. - BBSing: Files, folks and fun. - FOR SYSOP USE ONLY - Do not write below this line. - How're you going to do it? Upgrade It! - The Def. of Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in. - This space for Rent - - this space intentionally left blank - - � Most people deserve each other! � - - � Today is cancelled due to lack of interest! � - -!- PPoint 1.86 -- Nature always sides with the hidden flaw! -- --- There's ALWAYS one more bug! --- --- A naked man fears no pickpocket ---� ---- Who do you call to exorcise software ?? ---- ------------ Out of Order ------------- -------------------- CUT ON THE DOTTED LINE -------------------- --T-A+G-L-I+N-E--+M-E-A+S-U-R+I-N-G+--G-A+U-G-E-- ->BOREALIS is where I'm at. . Isaac Asimov memorial tagline ... Immanuel Kant but Ghengis Khan! ......<-Stealth Tagline ......I'm *trying* to do this with moderation! ....But I'm feeling much better now! ....If this was a real emergency, you'd've been trampled. ....nataS morf egassem deksam-drawkcab a si sihT ...and all the children are above average ...and in between are the doors. ...and never, ever cut a deal with a dragon. ...and that is how we know the Earth is banana-shaped ...and they lived happily ever after. ...and they robbed his evil cow. ...but have you tried PRUNES? ...but I forgot all about the Memory Conference!! ...drop a conference??? are you kidding or what? ...feel free to interrupt me, at any time... ...going where no clusters have gone before. ...Kling-on bastard killed my son, do-dah, do-dah... ...Now where did I put that fire extinguisher? ...only a test. Had this been an actual tagline... ...sucks!!! .ASM programmers drive stick shifts. .鋏票�. Robocomm and Speed are all we need! .鋏票�. /\/\ = Dolly Parton looking down. 0.9999999998 The errata inside. 007 � Error 216: Tagline out of paper. 1 = 2 for large values of 1. 1 fish, 2 fish, red fish, Dopefish 1 Minute Shut Mouth Worth 1 Hour Explanation 10,000+ SW/PD/Adult Graphic Files. 100,000 Lemmings can't be wrong. 1000 monkeys with 1000 PC's will eventually type a Dopefish. 1024x768x256... Sounds like one MEAN woman! 11-23-63 > Doctor Who * 30th Anniversary < 11-23-93 11/8/96, National Throw Out the Rest of The Garbage Day 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's tag 128000 bytes found in 32 lost chains. Convert to taglines (Y/N)? 14 minutes to live. Wonder if I can get a pizza? - Crow 186,000 miles per second -- it's the LAW! 1912 - U.S. Income tax enacted to tax wealthiest 5%. 1991 - The Year of the Palindrome 1994 Democrats: Sticking close to Clinton means Death. 1stReader � The DOOM of offline mail readers. 2! 4! 6! 8! Time to transubstantiate! 2+2=4 (Until re-defined by the Liberals). 2.2 gig hard drive, 562 bytes free. 28 Millionaire US Senators: 21 Democrats, 7 Republicans. Tax the rich? 3 + 3 = 5. Close, only missed by 2! 3 game wardens, 7 hunters, and a cow... 3 R's Replaced By The 3 C's: Condoms, Crack and Calamity! 30 days in de'cooler! - Tom on guy behind water cooler 3D Realms - Not just a new company, but a new way of gaming! 4 out of 5 people think the 5th person is an idiot. 4 SALE CHEAP! 4 KIDS, ALL OR NOTHING 43.3% of statistics are meaningless! 4Sale, braille dictionary like new, must see 2 appreciate 50 states, and I had to pick this one... 5�" hard is better than 3�" floppy. 6.9 <--- A good thing ruined by a period. 62% of those polled felt polls asked trivial questions. 640k = 4480 in dog bytes. 667: Satan's neighbor... 68 <--- You do me and I will owe you one. 80% of men cheat in America, the rest in Europe. 800k QWK packet? Terry Herrin's been online again. 90% of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at. 90% of PC problems are located between the keyboard and the chair. 96.37 percent of all statistics are made up. 98% of all constipated people don't give a shit! 98% of all statistics are useless � 98% of constipated people don't give a crap! 99.9% of all democrats are wrong. The other .1% is on CNN! : Flip it on and flip the others off. :( :) :( :) :( :) :( :) :( :) ... Facial exercises <%>{ 1 fish, <%>{ 2 fish, <%>{ red fish, <%>{ Dopefish <- Tagline management will never be the same again! <----- The information went data way -----> <<< Tagline deleted by Natl Endowment for the Arts >>> to read the next message = John Bobbit (Before).... o = John Bobbit (After) == Generic Tagline, good for everyday use == ==/==/==Police tagline==/==Do not cross ==/==/==Police tagline=. >> If you can't be offensive WHY BOTHER? � << >>> WANTED: DICTIONARY WITH INDEX <<< ?? Fatal Logic Error - Engage Brain and (R)etry @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@EZReader Tagline@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @Fn@, if you weren't on the sidewalk I never would've hit you. @MSGID: 1:3819/128.103 3cdd5df3 @MSGID: 1:3819/128.103 97c11ffe @MSGID: 1:3819/128.103 c528a810 @MSGID: 1:3819/128.103 da3adce4 @PATH: 3819/128 157 170/400 280/1 396/1 3615/50 260/480 @REPLY: 1:3819/128.103 da3adce4 @to@ crushes grape jelly in her neck until the cows come home. A "program" is used to turn data into error messages. A .45 beats a royal flush EVERY TIME A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth. A 3000 year old child proof cap? - Crow on mummy case A baby boomer is an infant with gas. A bad day BBSing is better than a good day at work. A bad excuse is better than no excuse. A bad workman always blames his fools A BANDAID!? Damn it Jim,I'm a doctor,not a-oh, never mind A big enough hammer can usually fix anything. A bird in hand is messy. A bird in the bush is better than one just overhead. A blimp with an airbag is redundant. A blonde saw a sign that said, Wet Cement, so she did! A bug is a feature that didn't make it into the manual. A cat's purr is the sound of it generating cute. A Chinese Proverb: Yuck Fou! A cinematic tranqualizer - Dr. Forrester on movie A classic is a book that is praised but not read A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. A clean, neat, desk is a sign of a sick mind. A clear conscience is merely the result of bad memory. A closed mouth gathers no feet. A closed mouth gathers no foot. A computer has an IQ of zero. The operator's IQ is questionable. A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking. A conservative is a liberal who's been mugged (usually by a liberal!) A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run. A courageous foe is better than a cowardly friend. A coward is a hero with a wife, kids and a mortgage. A cynic smells the flowers & looks for the casket! A cynic smells the flowers and looks for the casket. A cynic smells the flowers...then looks for the casket! A day without sunshine is like night. A deadline has a marvelous ability to concentrate the mind. A Democrat is society's version of a computer virus. A Democrat is someone who wants to put YOUR money where HIS mouth is. A Democrat is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run. A Democrat's generosity is limited only by your income. A Dirty Mind is a Terrible Thing to Waste A Dr. Clayton Forrester presentation - Dr. Forrester A dry sense of humor is better than slobbering everywhere A European swallow, or an African swallow? A fate worse than death: Liberalism A fate worse than death: To be married alive. A feature is a bug with seniority. A fine place to set down my pasty white bottom - Joel A fool and his money are soon partying! A fool and his money is my kind of customer! A fool and his money soon becomes a SysOp. A fool can't reason, a bigot won't and a slave dare not. A football game has broken out! - Tom A friend in need is a pest indeed. A girl a day keeps the wife away. A good laugh is sunshine in a house. A good man gone wrong is usually a bad man found out. A good organizer is one who is careful to plan ahe A good pun is its own reword. A good tagline isn't stolen. It's resurrected! A gun shot model will often hide in the woods - Crow A hangover is the wrath of grapes. A heavy night snowstorm is God saying: "Take today off." A hug warms the soul and places a smile in the heart. A hundred thousand lemmings can't all be wrong... A husband is a lover who pushed his luck too far. A hush fell over the courtroom, injuring six. A is for the admiration you deserve! - Crow sings A KGB keyboard has no escape key. A lecture on time travel will be held yesterday. A Liberal a day keeps the money away. A Liberal advisory has been issued for this conference. A liberal and someone else's money are soon parted. A liberal couldn't buy a clue with lottery winnings. A liberal criticizes most what he understands least. A Liberal is a Conservative who was a victim of false arrest. A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel. A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment. A liberal is a person with no interests now at stake. A liberal is one who lies about the past, and then tries to repeat it! A liberal is Society's version of a computer virus. A liberal wants to put your money where his mouth is A liberal's data source: A guess. A Liberal's generosity is limited by *your* income. A liberal's generosity is limited only by your income. A liberal's generosity is only limited by your income. A little greed can get you lots of stuff! A little inaccuracy saves a lot of explanation. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. A little truth helps the lie go down. A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away... A magic B.M. - Tom A man forgives only when he is in the wrong A man is as old as the woman he feels. A man serves best, when he serves himself. A man who steals his neighbor's wife is not alone A man without a cat is like a tagline without a point. A man without a gun will soon not be free. A man's gotta DEU what a man's gotta DEU. A man's house is his hassle. A menu? No thanks. I'll just eat, drink and have sex... A mighty oak is the result of a nut that held its ground. A million cubic feet capacity! - Mike on freezer A mind is a terrible thing to ...OOOH a new video game! A mind is a terrible thing to... I forget... A modemer's telephone bill knows no bounds.... A naked man fears no pickpocket. A new APOGEE game is more desirable than great riches... A new standard in obfuscation, ambiguity, & equivocation. A nymphomaniac is a girl that can only count up to sex. A one track mind often has its train of thought derailed. A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act it out A penny saved is a Congressional oversight. A penny saved is a penny earned. The rest is the IRS's. A Penny saved is a Penny earned. The rest is Uncle Sam's. A penny saved is not worth very much. A pill a day keeps the stork away. A police state is great, so long as you're the police. A poor excuse is better than no excuse! A pretty .GIF is like a melody A problem can be found for almost every solution. A programmer's work is never done. A prune is a plum with experience... A reasonable liberal is hard to find. A right delayed is a right denied. A roadie from Sea Hunt - Crow on scuba diver A rooster clucks defiance-- but a lawyer. . . A royal Egyptian passing gas is a toot uncommon. A satisfied virgin is a virgin no longer. A self-addressed envelope would be addressed "envelope." A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago. A short cut is the longest distance between two points. A Silent democrat is America's dream. A single fact can spoil a good argument. A social life? What board can I d/l that from? A STOIC brings the baby. A CYNIC is where you wash it. A tagline at this point would be irrelevant, right? A Tagline is a terrible thing to waste. A tagline is your last chance to piss someone off. A true diplomat struts sitting down. A USRHST-world's most powerful modem-feeling lucky- punk? A virus that eats taglines would really make people mad! A waist is a terrible thing to mind. A warm beer is better than no beer at all� A warrior does NOT steal taglines. - Worf A wholesome mind is wasted potential. A wife is proof that a husband can take a joke. A wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn A wise man once said... I don't know. A wise person sees as much as ought, not as much as can. A wise princess once said: Sometimes a frog is just a frog. A wok is what you throw at a wabbit. A woman's no is ok, but a man's no is insensistivity. A woman's promise to be on time carries a lot of wait. A yer ao I kudnt spel progrmer now I are won. A@#%24305bsrnqysw46uw6j6sn <- Tagline from my cat AAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse aaaoooggghhh......aaoogghhh......DIVE! DIVE! Abandon all hope, ye who press 컴� here Abracadabra...Hocus Pocus...AbracaPocus...HocusCadabra... Absolutely nothing can go worng. Abstinence is a good thing if practiced in moderation Abstraction is Memory's Most Ardent Enemy. Accidents cause people. Accordion: A bagpipe with pleats. acetone (v.) - activity performed in exercise classes. Acetone = What you do in exercise class... Ach,der elektromagnetische katzenklappe ist kaput! ACK and you shall receive Acme Tagline Co. ActaeOn - The Hard Disk Manager, Fantastic! Actors! We're rolling! - Crow on boring scene ACURA: All Cars Usually Require Adjustment ACURA: Americans Can Underestimate Routine Accidents ACURA: Any Child Understands Real Automobiles ACURA: Automobile Causes Universal Road Accidents ACURA: Awful, Crappy, Unreliable, Rusty Automobile AD and D: Advanced Democrats and Dragons. Everyone Should Play! AD&D: Advanced Democrats & Dragons. Everyone Should Play! Adam to Eve - I'll wear the plants in this family. Add a feature... Add a bug... Adhesive tagline. Lick this XXXX! adioactive halibut makes great fission chips! Adrenalize! Experience the addicting rush of RAPTOR! Adult GIF files are meant for testing monitors!! Adventure. Excitement. A sysop craves not these things. Advice is a dangerous commodity. Advice is cheap, you can take it from me. Advice: 5� - Worth every penny! AdvTHANKSance AEIOUEOI!!..Sorry. I have uncontrollable vowel movements. AeroFudd: Dweam on, dweam until your dweams come twue. Affirmative action rewards underachievement. Afraid of banks? Why not give it to me for safekeeping! After all is said and done, usually more is said. After dinner, he said, "Your modem or mine?" After four decimal places, nobody gives a damn After Holiday Sale; '94 Taglines at half Price! After we pull the pin, Mr. Grenade is NOT our friend! Ah come on, just this one last little feature Ah, its all over; the FAT LADY has sung! Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp Ah-ooooh, where was the thunder? Aha! another "QMail undocumented feature" is lurking. Ahh! Rodeo is wasted on the young - Crow Ahh! There's a muppet under the stairs! - Joel on shrew Ahh! You're it! No touch backs - Tom as guy runs by girl Ahhh, there's THREE kinds of vanilla - Mike leers Ahhhhhhhh, I forget what I was going to say .... AIDS -- The Plague Denied by the ACLU the AMA and man! AIDS, drugs, abortion - Don't Liberals just kill you? Aids, Drugs, Taxes - Don't Liberals Just Kill You? AIDS, drugs, taxes, gun control... don't Liberals just kill you? Ain't nerd-life grand? Ain't Winter Grand? Ain't WP Macro's *FUN*...!!! Aionoia (n.) - the fear of palindromes. Air bags...Inflation we can live with! Air controllers nightmare: A pack of F-117s landing. Air pollution is a mist demeanor. AIR-BORG by Nike. "Jump... Or be assimilated" Air-conditioned environment...do NOT open Windows. Al Bundy of Borg. "Do I hafta assimilate ya tonight, Peg?" Alas Poor Yorick, I think you're dead. Alas! The poor Tagline. I knew it well. Albatross! Algol is not just a star Algor, overpopulation guru, has four kids. Hypocrisy? You decide. Alimony is always having to say you're sorry. Alimony: bounty of the mutiny. Alimony: the fee a woman charges for name-dropping Alimony: The screwing you get for the screwing you got Alimony? ...sounds kinda like "all yer money" All animals are equal, some more than others. All for one and one for ONE! All generalizations are false All hope abandon, ye who enter messages here. All I ask is to prove that money can't make me happy. All I need is a 1st Reader and a board to surf it on. All I need is a Wave and a board to surf it on. All in a days work for "Confuse-a-Cat" All in good time... All left-handed people, please raise your right hand! All men are born equal. The tough job is to outgrow it. All mimsy were the borogoves All of my REALLY GOOD taglines are 1 character too lon All other boards have no RIME or reason... ALL PRICES INCLUDE POSTAGE IN THE U.S. All programmers want arrays! All Right! Drop Carrier! We Have You Surrounded! All right, we'll call it a draw. All right, who's been turning my messages into taglines? All rising to a great place is by a winding stair. All stressed out and no one to choke. All stressed out, and noplace to go. All sysops are not user friendly! All taglines are busy... One will be with you shortly. All the world is indeed a stage... Shakespear All the world's a stage. Can I operate the trap door? All these people are dead now - Joel on crowd scene All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. All we like sheep -- and cows are pretty nice too All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound? All words are pegs on which to hang ideas. All you need is love. All's well that ends well - E. A. Poe All's well that ends. Alright degenerates. I want this place empty NOW! Alright, freeze! Now hand over those taglines... Alright, God jockey. Come along - Tom to priest alt.games.doom redefines "brain dead". Always a tag line! Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it. Always be smarter than the people who hire you. Always forgive your enemies. They -HATE- that! Always question Authority; oft venal and rong Always remember that Congress isn't 100% Democrat. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. Always remember to rape and pillage BEFORE you burn. Always remember you are unique - just like everyone else. Always store beer and liberals in a dark place. Am I wise, or otherwise? Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound America borders on the magnificent -> Canada! AMERICA HELD HOSTAGE! To liberal ideas that don't work! America, worst nation in the world save for all the rest. America: log on or log off American Association Against Alliteration Abuse Amish driveby shooting. Clip clop clip clop BANG clip clop Amityville - A good Place To Be From - Far From! Amour fait beaucoup, mais argent fait tout. An asparagus monster! - Crow on mummy with green slime An Electrician gets into people's shorts! An electrician worries about current events An Elephant Is Just A Mouse Built To Gov't Specs! An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting. An expert is someone from out of town. An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble! An onion has an infinite number of layers. Now peel it! An open mind is wonderful if matching mouth not included. An optimist is a guy without much experience An optimist is someone without much experience. An ounce of assembly is worth a pound of C An ounce of pretention is worth a pound of manure. An ounce of pretention's worth a pound of manure... An udder failure: Cow that doesn't give milk... An ulcer is what you get mountain-climbing over molehills An unemployed Court Jester is no one's fool. Anal retentive people don't give a shit. Anarchists unite! Anarchy is against the law! And all the Borg left was this Amiga... And all the Borg left was this Apple III. And all the Borg left was this copy of OS/2... And all the Borg left was this VIC-20. And Boy, Are My Arms Tired! And creepy Triple A is there - Mike on stalker And God said E = 쳋v� - Ze�/r, and there was light. And I am you, and what I see is me. And I thought liberals SUPPORTED free speech?!? And I've got 4,567 archived messages to prove it.. And if I come again I will receive you unto myself! And if Iraqs primary export was broccoli? And mingle with the MSTies - Tom And NO SINGING! And now for something completely different! And now for the new Faux Software Mail Reader And now we return you to your regular conference�� And on the 8th Day God said, "Murphy, you're in charge." And on the seventh day He took an aspirin. And pulling back on the stick makes the cows smaller... And remember: Oprah spelled backwards is Harpo And she disappeared in a puff of logic. And shun the frumious Bandersnatch And so with vorpal sword in hand and sometimes the bear eats you. And that's all you need to know, so be there!!! - Crow And the guys are not clowning all day - Tom sings And the men who hold high places... And the RESET button lets you re-run AUTOEXEC.BAT And the whisky hangs around your head - Tom sings And then Adam said, "What's a headache?" And there is always one *(*)* in the croud -YOU! And they robbed his evil cow. And this is what you do for fun. And when you walk in golden halls to get the key for gold, it falls. And ye shall throw money at the problem. Liberals 19:3. AND, it frees my palm to do other things! Animal Testing = Animal Suffering.. Animals -- the renewable resource Animals are to be bred & SLAUGHTERED-Crow w/German accent Ankh if you love Isis Ankle deep in the DNA pool ... � Annapolis a day keeps the doctoris away - Tom Annoy a Democrat - demand that they tell the Truth! Annoy a fanatic: Present him with facts. Annoy a liberal - embrace the idea of private property. Annoy a Liberal--remind them of the Reagan/Bush record Annoy a Liberal: Ask them to tell the truth! Annoy Liberals: Inform them that labelling is racist. Annoy Liberals: Tell them it is better to cut than tax. Annoy Liberals: Tell them that less governmment is better. Annoy Liberals: Tell them the '80's were a time of prosperity. Annoy Liberals: Tell them the TRUTH. Annoy Liberals: Tell them WE are ALL *AMERICANS*. Annoy Liberals: Tell them it is better to cut than tax. Annoy the liberal media: think for yourself. Another bit of knowledge from the Hollywood Typographer Another brilyunt mind diztroyed by publik edukashn Another font of knowledge from the Typographer Another Liberal Lemming leaps off the cliff to oblivion! Another registered SLMR user without a disk. Answers: $1 Correct Answers: $5 Dumb Looks: Free Answers: $1, Short: $5, Correct: $25, dumb looks are still free. Antenna coupling: insect foreplay Anthropologists do it with Culture! Anti-Mickeys of the world: Unite ANTIQUE STRIPPER TO DISPLAY WARES AT STORE Any body seen my tagline...? Any fool can criticize, and most do. (Carnegie) Any given program, once running, is obsolete. Any given program, when running, is obsolete. Any job worth doing is worth complaining about. Any questions? Call the Partnership for a Democrat Free America. Any seats left? There's SPACE in the FINAL FRONT TIER... Any sufficiently advanced bug will become a feature. Any sufficiently advanced technology looks like magic! Anyone could do it with manuals... Anyone who remembers the 60's...wasn't there. Anything free is worth what you pay for it. ANYTHING is a better DOS than DOS!!! Anything made of chocolate must be good. Anything that can go wr ... # ^% Bus Error -- Core Dumped Anything worth doing well is worth doing badly at 1st! Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you. AOL � Internet for idiots! AOL � It's not just lame any more. AOL � The Barney of online services. AOL � Where lamers come to flame. AOL � Where twits come to get twitted. Apathy Error: Don't Bother Striking Any Key Apes were invented because politicians were needed. --Isaac Asimov. Apogee and Software Creations - How could life be better? Apogee and Software Creations: Always worth the download. Apogee means Action! Apogee Software � POB 496389, Garland TX 75049-6389 Apogee Software � The Height of Gaming Excitement Apogee will shake while you QUAKE! Apogee Wolfmaster - For your killing pleasure Apogee � A standard of quality worth striving for. Apogee � Action is not just a promise, it's the slogan. Apogee � Always worth the download. Apogee � Betcha can't play just one! Apogee � Elite - Veteran Agent - Death Incarnate Apogee � For The Games Are Great And I Have Played The Best Apogee � Leading PC gaming into the next century! Apogee � Makers of the world's coolest intro screens! Apogee � More fun than watching Barney in slow motion. Apogee � On the cutting edge of software evolution. Apogee � Redefining the PC gaming standard Apogee � Sharpening the cutting edge of gaming technology. Apogee � So addictive that just 1 level and you're hooked Apogee � The cutting edge of games just got sharper. Apogee � The height of gaming excitement! Apogee � The household name in shareware games! Apogee � The only name you need to know in game software. Apogee � This much fun could be illegal! Apogee � To boldly do what no games have done before Apogee � We will release no game before its time Apogee � When you care enough to play the very best Apogee � When you're looking for the #1 files! Apogee � Where #1 games and #1 service join hand in hand. Apogee � Where quality is implemented, not discussed. Apogee � Worth the wait! Apple // Forever! Appreciate me now - and avoid the rush. Arabs wear turbines on their heads Archaeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins Are You Working For Your Doctorate In Taglines? Are CD's really the Pits? Are Cheerios really bagel seeds? Are Cheerios really donut seeds? Are couch potatoes into Transcendental Vegetation!? Are deaf psychiatrists better listeners? Are Dog Bisquits Made From Collie Flour? Are great fishermen master baiters? Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors? Are RAM chips better than COW chips? Hmmm, it depends... Are RAM chips better than EWE chips? Are taglines the footnotes of reality? Are the physicians in Egypt's capital Cairopractors? Are there PopTarts in Heaven? Are they allowed to show THAT? - Crow on freezer diagram Are thunder thighs produced by "eat" lighting? Are we having fun yet? Are we supposed to be having fun yet? Are you a liberal? I'd slap you, but sh*t splatters. Are you after MY pervert award or what?????? Are you Beavis or Butthead? Are you being obtuse, or is it my tendency to obfuscate everything? Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up? Are you part of the solution, or the precipitate? Are you ready to QUAKE? Are you sure (N/N)? Are you talking to me (敗�)...? Are you wearing corduroy? That effects the radio - Crow Aren't spill chukkers grate. Aren't you glad Limbaugh isn't a well-armed postal worker? ARGHHHH....I got my floppy caught in my PKZipper Arghhhhhhhhhhhhh, 6 A.M. Already (sigh) Aristotle was all wet! ARJ -? > PRN � Bathroom reading material ARJ -? > PRN � More words than War & Peace ARJ -? > PRN � New novel from James Clavell ARJ puts the squeeze on ARJ used to put the squeeze on Arkansas foreplay: "Sis, are you awake?" Arrest him for the accent! - Crow on hoky sounding German ARRRRRGGGHHH!!!! ... Tension breaker, had to be done. Artificial Insemination: Self-Inflicted Womb. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity. Artificial intelligence. Natural stupidity. Artificial Intelligence: The other guy's opinion. As Canadian as possible ... under the circumstances. As confused as a termite in a yo-yo As easy as 1, 2, 3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197 As I said before, I never repeat myself. As King Arthur said: Some days it all seems so feudal. As your Doctor I advise you to drink heavily. ASCII and it shall be given unto you. ASCII no questions, I'll tell you no lies. ASCII stupid question - get a stupid ANSI Asimov Forever changed the way Robots were viewed! Asimov of Borg: The Three Laws Of Assimilation. Ask me about my vow of silence. Ask me if I care!! Ask not for whom the bell tolls--let the machine get it. Ask others for help and be in debt forever! Asphault = Proctologist's malpractice insurance Assimilated, you will be. � Yoda of Borg Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. Astronauts get missile-toe. At Borger King we do it our way. Your way is irrelevant. At Intel, quality is job .99999999563 At least we're paddling in the same direction now - Crow At Microsoft, quality is job 1.1 At night, all cats are grey. At nude weddings everybody can see the best man! At such times, the wise cat retires to meditate. AT&GETMAIL&READMAIL&REPLY&STEALTAGTD Atheism is a non-prophet organization! Atheistic dyslexics don't believe in dog Atheists have no one to talk to at orgasm! Athiests have no one to talk to at orgasm. Atomic Bomb - Made in America, Tested in Japan ATTACK OF THE "I DON'T THINK SO" CREATURES Attack of the Killer Letch - Tom as couple kiss ATTENTION ALL PERSONNEL!!! INCOMING FASHION!!! Attention tagline shoppers: Steal 2 & get 1 free. AUDI: Accelerates Under Demonic Influence Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas. Took the dog...Dorothy Auntie Em: Hate you,hate Kansas, aking the dog.- Dorothy Aural sex gives me an earie feeling. Aural sex produces eargasms. Australians do it from down under. Australochickicus--the first chicken Author of "Lead, follow, or get outta the way." Author of "Zilch". Authorized US Liberalism Dealer. Autistics commit senseless violence. Film at 11. Avatar terminal, the long distance co.'s nightmare Ave Maria, Gee it's good to see ya... Avenge the death of the working class! Avoid clich굎 like the plague. Avoid Computer virus - practice safe HEX! Awesomelly proud to be YOUR bud! Aww, who let the humans in? BABY ON BOARD -just means five more points Baby on board! Baby Philosophy - If it stinks, change it. Baby taglines... Are they called tagpoles? Bachelor: One who's footloose and fianc� free Back to "Men With Little Pants" - Tom Back up my hard disk? I can't find the reverse switch! Back up my hard drive? I can't find the reverse switch! Back Up My Hard Drive? It's floppy right now, sorry! Back when I was a boy, we carved our own ICs out of wood. Backing Up Drive C:.............. Backup is for whimps! Backup my hard drive? I can't even find reverse! Backup no encontrado ! : (R)eintento, (P)쟮ico ? Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic (C)ry Bacteria acts more intelligent than human beings Bad Credit? No Credit? No Problem. No Money? Problem. Bad dog! Don't chew the power cor....&% NO TERRIER Bad is never good until worse happens Bad or Missing Tagline File Badges? We don't need no stinkin' badges! Balanced News Story: Quote two liberals and give personal opinion. Baloobin! Ban the sale of arms to Venus de Milo Bang, You're Dead! Bank error in your favor. Collect $200. Barfign갾en - car sickness in a Volkswagen. Barium: What you do with dead chemists. Barney - A Jurassic Park DNA sequencing error between dino & Bozo Barney Burgers, get your red hot Barney Burgers! Barney of Borg: Being assimilated is fun! Barney of Borg: Today we learned resistance is useless. Barney of Borg: Today we learned that resistance is futile. Barney. Haha. haha. hmm. haha. haha. He's looking at you Beavis. Barney... Windows... Is there a connection? Barney: A DNA sequencing error between a dinosaur and Bozo. Baron Baldric says it's okay to pick your nose! Basic Airline Flying: Keep the pointy end forward Bastards do have a redeemable feature: mortality. Batches, batches, we don' need no steenkin' batches! Batman IS Mr.Mom?!?! Batman, was around here somewhere BBS 'till you drop - carrier BBS Booboo #3: Using dull tagline that came with reader BBS: Standard class zip sysops, PREMIUM Class ARJ Sysops BBSing is terminal. BCPL -> B -> C !!! No wonder C is so cryptic! Be a Lert -- what the world needs is more Lerts! Be alert! The world needs more lerts Be careful how you answer, some folks KNOW. Be carefull out there Be different DON'T speak your mind! Be good to your ENVIRONMENT -- Purge a liberal Be good to your ENVIRONMENT -- Purge your TREE Be kind to your inferiors, if you can find any. Be nice to me, I'm out of valium! Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home. Be part of the solution not part of the polution Be part of the solution--not part of the problem Be patient with everyone, but above all yourself. Be scared. Be very a'scared! - Crow Be sure not to start a tagline you can't finis Be vewwy quiet - I'm hunting wabbits..... Be vewwy vewwy quiet ... I'm hunting for tagwines! Be vewwy, vewwy quiet! I'm hunting tagwines. Be Vewy Quiet � � � I'm Hunting Tagwines! Be vewy vewy quiet. I'm hunting wabbits. Be vewy, vewy quiet... I'm hunting tagwines! Be young. Have fun. Drink Pepsi. Worship Barney. Beam me up Scotty, the liberals have taken over! Beam me up Scotty. This isn't the men's room. Beam me up, there's no intelligent life here! Beat it through the lines Beat me, whip me, make me read mail without SPEED READ. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.... Beauty is skin deep, ugly goes to the bone. Beauty too rich for use; for Earth too dear. Beavis of Borg: "You said A$$-imilate. heh heh hehheh." Become a programmer and never see the world! Bed her late than never. Bedfellows make strange politicians. Been married for 25 yrs...Lemme get to 2nd base - Tom Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. Been there, Done that... Can't remember! Beep, Beep... nope, not felix the cat... Beer cans empty! Memory Full! Zzzzzzzzzz!!! Beer Nuts are $1.29, but deer nuts are under a buck. Beer! It's not just for breakfast anymore..... Beer! Now there's a temporary solution. BEETLE: Battered Everywhere, Expect To Lose Engine Before advising "Be yourself!" reassess his character. Before backing up ... make a backup Before you louse something up, THIMK! Behind every argument is someone's ignorance. Behind every good woman, there is a great behind. Behind every succesfull man is woman with nothing to wear Being a Gladiator is being a goober. BEING from another planet, I didn't have much to do - Tom Being liberal means never having to accept responsibility Being old sucks! Being paranoid doesn't mean they _aren't_ out to get you! Being young is sometimes less fun than being dead. Being young is...I don't remember anymore! Believe me... It's a hardware problem or a Virus Bell Labs UNIX - reach out and grep someone Bernoulli's Law "Go with the Flow" Best file compression around! "DEL *.*" - 100% comp. Best way to accelerate Windows? Throw it harder...! Best way to be useful - stay out of the way. Best way to deal with predators: taste terrible. Beta testers do it for free. BETA testing is hazardous to your health. Beta version - too buggy to be released. Better a coward for a minute than dead forever. Better Living through CHEMISTRY Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried. BEWARE - Tagline Thief in this echo Beware of attacking SPEED HUMPS! Beware of geeks bearing .GIFS! Beware of liberals bearing statistics. Beware of men who won't be bothered with details Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers. Beware of Trojans that are complete smegheads. Beware of what you ask of the Gods, for they may.... Beware the fury of a patient man. Dryden Beware the Jubjub bird Beware! I'm armed and have premenstrual tension. Big Biz loves Democrats; they tax small biz out of biz. Big nostrils? Look at your finger size! Big or small, liberals tax them all. Big or small, the Democratic Congress taxes them all. Bigamist = Italian fog Bigamy is having one spouse too many; monogamy, the same Bigamy is one wife too many. Monogamy is the same thing. Bigamy: Too many wives. Monogamy: Same thing. Bigamy: Married to too many women Monogamy: See Bigamy Bigamy: one wife to many. Monogamy: same idea. Bigot, n: Anyone who wins a debate with a liberal. Bigot--anybody who wins an argument against a liberal Bigot: Anyone who disagrees with a liberal. Bigot: n. Anyone telling a liberal the truth. Bill & Ted's DOS: Most excellent command or filename. Bill and Ted's excellent adventure happened in Florida Bill Gates of Borg. Patents are irrelevant; copyrights also.. Bill Gates, have 'em write _real_ code... Bill of Rights - Void where prohibited by LIBERALS. Bill T. Catt of Borg: "You will be Ack!Thbbpt!imilated!!" Billary Clinton's Military Budget Cuts: Two men to a bed. Billy Blaze is Commander Keen: Defender of the Universe! Billy Blaze. Mars. 1990. And a legend was born. Billy Carter: The Sequel ... starring Roger Clinton! bison, (b'zon), (n.) - Sexually confused male child. Bit Decay!? D죆 y뵕 s넊 �띉 D굟쫦�� Bit Decay!?� Yo� say 쁮u h냬e B떷 D�놹y� Black holes are outa sight! Black holes are outta sight! Black holes resulted when MS tried to beat a deadline! Black holes suck. Black holes were created when God divided by 0 Blake Stone � "I eat Star Troopers for breakfast." Blake Stone � 3D gaming brought to new heights. Blake Stone � If reality is what you want... play DOOM. Blake Stone � Play it if you think you're tough enough! Blake Stone � Spelling doom for all other 3D games! Blake Stone � The next best thing to being there. Blame Beavis and Butthead, they made me do it... blandae mendacia linguae. Bless me father for I have sinned. Bless me Father, for I have voted Democrat. Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth. Blessed are the pessimists; they make backups! Blind people don't bungee jump; it scares the dog too much. Blonde Mating Call: Oh, I'm so drunk [giggle]!! Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier Blood is thicker than water, and tastier. Blowing the bosun's pipe has a new meaning in the Clinton Navy. Blue dove...the crackerjack is on the windowsill. Blue light special, isle 4, ALL TAGLINES MUST GO! Blue Wave - World Tour - 19@DY@ Blue Wave Tagline makers can do it l o n g e r . Blue... No, yelloooooooooooooow BMW: Babbling Mechanical Wench BMW: Bastard Money Wielders BMW: Beastly Monstrous Wonder BMW: Beautiful Masterpieces on Wheels BMW: Beautiful Mechanical Wonder BMW: Big Money Waster BMW: Big Money Works BMW: Blasphemous Motorized Wreck BMW: Born Moderately Wealthy BMW: Break My Windows BMW: Broken Money Waster BMW: Brutal Money Waster BMW: Bumbling Mechanical Wretch Bo Knows MegaMail! Bo knows Taglines! Bo knows your girlfriend. Bob Barker of Borg: C'mon down and be assimilated! Bodies stack easily - Mike on freezer's capacity Body Care and Grooming... they're cops. BOING! Bill Clinton? Use a Presidential invoice Boldly going forward because we just can't find reverse. Boldly going where no modem has gone before... Bones, I hate your #@!*% human guts. Discussion? Book never written: "Dog training" by Willy Bite. Book never written: "Dog training." by Wille Bite boot.sysiswhatyounide Bored at 3:00 a.m.? PSSSTTT - got a modem? Borg Cola - The choice of the Next Generation Borg Do It Collectively. Borg Mail Reader v1.0 � Your tagline will be assimilated. Borg Underachievers Anonymous: Persistence is Futile. Borgasm: The ecstasy of being assimilated. Borgs are made, not Bjorn. Born to be Wiiiillllllddddddddddd Boy, Deluxe� sure is QWK. Boy, perfect for a nice cold Budweiser - Tom Boycott shampoo! Demand REAL poo! Boys and girls, can you say BUGGY??? Brain damage? No thanx, I already have some Brain on vacation, body on autopilot BREAKFAST.COM Halted .... Cereal port not responding! Breakin the Law, Breakin the Law, huh huhh - Beavis & Butthead Breaking Windows isn't just for kids anymore.... Breast size times I.Q. is a constant. Brian Mulroney for UN Secretary General! Bright Lights, Big Mummy - Joel Bring back Herman's Head! Bring back the dobro to rock n roll! Bring order to your life .. use random numbers. Brooklyn -- the Fertile Crescent of Civilization Brought to you by ALLGONE-REP Brought to you by Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Soup; yummm Brought to you by the Mother of all Messages Brought to you by: Committee for a Liberal and Free America. Brunette's nightmare: The blonde lead the blonde. Br꼳� d�m멺궓 � th넠ks, � 냡r굞d� h쟶� s쬶�. BS (bee ess): n. An uninformed statement. BTW, FWIW, IMHO, yes. OTOH, AAMOF, maybe not. BTW: Between The Words BTW: This is the 386 version! Bud said,`Let there be lite' and there was Lite. Buddhism means never having to say you're sorry. Bug What Bugs ?, those are features Bugs Are Sons of Glitches! BUICK: Big Ugly Import Car Killer BUICK: Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer BUICK: Built Under Inspection of Cooky Korean Build high for happiness. bulldozer (n.) - political speech writer taking a nap. Bullwinkle, Batman, Elvis--Anyone but a Liberal PLEEEEEEEZE! Bungee Diving - Living it up when you're going down! Burn the flag, but tie yourself to it first. Bush said, No new taxes. Clinton said, No! New taxes! Bush's BIG mistake: Believing the Democrats. Business & science walk hand in sweaty hand - Dr. F But I DID read the manual... But I thought YOU did the backups... But Officer, I was only GOING one way. But really, it was EXACTLY the same as before... But Resusci, you *IS* a chick! - Dr. F to Resusci Annie But soft, what light through yonder tagline breaks? But that's another story, never mind anyway. But the cow CHIP is organic.... But what if I'm a figment of MY imagination? But which one is the fatherboard? But why spend $2000.00 just to run Windows? But, boss, this IS part of my job! But, officer, I was only going ONE way! Butterfliers are free Butthead Butthead! Come here quick! Bare ass on TV! Butthead of Borg: "Assimilation is cool. huh-huh-huh." Butthead of Borg: "Resistance sucks!" Buy a 486-33 you can reboot faster Buy a Micro2000 to play QUAKE! BUY a Pentium-100 to play DOOM. Buy Ed McMahon's Budweiser ice cream - Tom Buy her a bikini and watch her beam with delight. Buy or try Mustang Software; you gotta be kidding. Buy Stacker? Why not just delete Windows?! Buy the Clinton watch..only $5.95. ($59.95 with tax) By all means, let's not confuse ourselves by the facts. By reading this, you're either a lawyer or a nut Bye kids, have fun storming the castle! BYTE ME -- BYTE ME -- BYTE ME -- BYTE ME C A U T I O N - I program the same way you do. C program run. C program crash. C programmer cry. C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit. C Programmers do it with models! C Thomas favorite song: I Found my Thrill on Anita Hill C:\> XALL ECHO Y|DEL *.* <컴켸 C:\BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files ^^^oo^^^ C:\CLINTON.EXE Bad President or File Name C:\CLINTON\TRUTH.COM not found--(A)bort, (R)etry, (I)mpeach? C:\DOS -> C:\DOS\RUN -> C:\WINDOWS\CRASH\DOS c==========*8 My Schwartz is bigger than yours! CA Driving: To Change lanes, first pull out your 9mm.. CA raisins murdered, cereal killer suspected! Cafe Brazil � Where's the guac? Caffeine - the ultimate debugging tool California does have its faults. California has its faults. California home of Liberals and earth quakes. California's four seasons: Mudslide, Earthquake, Wildfire and Riot. Call 1-900-TAGLINE. New tags daily. Only $3.95 per minute. Call Bill Clinton's tax infoline. 1-900-SCR-EWME. $100.00/min. Call Hooked On Phonics - Tell 'em Dan Quayle sent you. Call me anything, but don't call me late for dinner. Call the Liberal Hot Line - 1-900-WEL-FARE ($10 per min) Call your Father today: I wish I still COULD! Calling Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard... Calm down. It's only ones and zeros. Calvin Coolidge Jeans - Crow Camaro: $15,500, and $17,000 if you trade in your Yugo. CAMARO: Can't America Make A Real One? Camera bugs always know where to light! Camping happily with JABBER and COMMO.. Camptown Races, 6837.6 Meters Long. Do Dah! Can anybody think of a good tagline I can steal? Can elephants fly? Can I blame my spelling on Line Noise? Can I run Stacker on my Visa? Can I warm up your bra...Uh, coffee? - Tom Servo Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse?? Can O' Worms. Open, Heat, & Eat. Ready in 15 mins. Can taglines have sequels? Hmmm..... Can we make Clinton's defeat in '96 retroactive to '92? Can you do the Picard Maneuver in a Grand am? Can you find the mispelled word in hear? Can YOU fly? Can you repeat the part after "Listen very carefully"? Can you say "anal retentive"? Can you say Superfranticunproductiveuselesslegislation? Can you tell I need more tag lines? Can't have evrything. Where would you put it? Can't I love both your mind -AND- your hooters??? Can't open CLINTON.LIE, cannot recover COUNTRY.USA Can't see the bright side? Polish the dull side. Can't wait for MS-DOS 5.01! Can't wait for them 100Gb, 10ns drives! Canada: C Eh? N Eh? D Eh? Canadian DOS Prompt - EH?> CANADIAN: an unarmed American with health care. Cannot load CLINTON.SYS - File Corrupt - Truth Not Found! Cannot Load CLINTON.SYS - File Corrupt. (Truth Missing) Cannot open CATFOOD.CAN - Eat Logitech mouse instead? (Y/n) Cap'n, I threw your stinkin palm tree overboard! Captain Comic II - Fractured Reality Captain! The spell checker kinna take this much abuse!! Captain, the Borg left the Microsoft headquarters untouched. Captain: Sensors detect the presence of a line eater! Cardboard box? You're lucky. Carpe Diem! Carpenters are just plane folks Carter didn't destroy the US, Clinton probably won't. Carter didn't kill America...but Clinton just might! Castration takes balls. CAT (n.): 1. Furry keyboard cover. 2. Alarm clock. Cat bathing is a martial art. Cat haters just resent never getting their pussy to come. catalog (n.) - firewood for cats. Catastrophe: 38 Years of Liberal Democrats in Congress. Catch the Blue Wave! Catholic girls, they never confess... Cats may have 9 lives, but I have 10 bullets. Cats, proof that eating and sleeping isn't all bad Catskill Mountains: The land of dead mice. Caught yourself reading taglines and not the mail? Caution CLINTON.LIE virus detected - RUN LIMBAUGH.BAT to Correct Caution: Blown Brain At Work! CAUTION: Dangerous and off Medication... Caution: I don't brake for liberals CAUTION: INCORRIGABLE PUNSTER! DON'T INCORRIGE Caution: PET XING CBS's replacement for the NFL - Mike on lame jazz band CCITT=Confused Corporations In Thrall to Terror CD \TELIX\ACCESS\QEDIT\TAGLINE:MESSAGE. Celebrate your freedom: Read a banned book. Celibacy is not an inherited characteristic. Celibacy is not hereditary Cent, 5 cent, 10 cent, dollar. Certified to serve! CGA is the pallete from hell Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine! Character doesn't matter! (The Press) Character is much easier kept than recovered Chaste makes waste. Cheating is for Goobers! Check the dilithium crystals, we got us a cross-echo! Cheer up, the worst is yet to come. KILROY LIVES. Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.� Cheese it! It's the heat! - Tom Chelsea and Socks -- the only Clintons not being investigated Chelsea Clinton is the 90's version of Amy Carter. Chelsea Clinton is worth a thousand condom commercials. Chelsea Clinton: "Dad, meet my date. Rush Limbaugh." Chelsea Clinton: "Somebody, PLEASE tell me I'm ADOPTED!" Chelsea: "Daddy, meet my new boyfriend...Rush!" Chemists have nice reactions. Chemists never die -- they just stop reacting. Chernobyl uses OS/2 Chess players know more mating positions. Chestnuts - a painful, embarrassing condition. Chevrolet, Heartbreak of America. CHEVROLET: Car Has Extensive Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips. CHEVY: CHarged hEAVilY CHEVY: Cheapest Heap Ever enVisioned Yet Chewbacca of Borg: RRWARARRHHG!! Chewed up the slipper! Bad shrew! - Crow on dog as shrew CHEWIE:"Ack! Ack!" LUKE:"What's wrong?!" HAN:"Hairball" Chicken Little only has to be right once. Chicken slick: the ring around Clinton's bathtub. Chickens are how eggs make more eggs. Children have dressed up like cowboys & vise versa - Dr.F Children Learn What They Live! Chili waffles! Simply fine! - Crow sings Chill out, DOOM.WAD Chipmunks roasting on an open fire Choosey cats prefer Microsoft mice. Christina Applegate Fan Club -- Go Kelly Bundy! Christmas shopping for Dan Cerman? Buy a tribble! CHRYSLER: Car Having Really Yucky Stupid Lazy Engine Runs CHRYSLER: Could Have Remained Your Sickly Lame Elderly Relative's Cindarella's Godmother was a fairy. CircuitNet, the MAIL of the future, here now! Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular. Clark Kent is a transvestite. Class I like : public Sex { \ Class Warfare: Clinton's economic policy. Claustrophobia: The fear of Santa Claus Clean unoffensive tag lines for all Clear as mud Click...click...click..damn, out of taglines! Click..Click..Click..darn, out of taglines! Climbing my family tree was fun until the nuts appeared. Clinical studies show there are no answers. Clintolingus: Clinton's tongue in the fold of your wallet Clinton & Butt-head: "Let's tax something!" "Huh huh. That'd be cool." Clinton & Co: Untapped revenue source. Clinton & Congress: The Best Politics PAC Money Can Buy! CLINTON & GORE ======= GONE IN FOUR! Clinton & Gore: Wrong Team; Wrong Time; Wrong for America! Clinton '92: He'll do to you as he's done to others! Clinton (n) see also gay loving, draft dodging, pot smoking, womanizer. Clinton *is* helping the economy: Rope sales are up! Clinton *knows* how we feel. He doesn't care, but he *knows*. Clinton *tried* to enlist, but there's no MOS for clown. Clinton - "Do not ask for whom the tax rises ..." Clinton - "East wing? Absolutely no! I need to TELL Bill what to do!" Clinton - "Gennifer who?" Clinton - "Give us more responsibility" Clinton - "God damn it, you can't do this to me." Clinton - "I love the smell of Liberalism in the morning." Clinton - "I never met a government program I didn't like." Clinton - "I won't tax the Middle Class to pay for my programs!" Clinton - "I'll debate, anytime anyplace ON MY TERMS." Clinton - "I'm at a disadvantage. I'm an elected official!" Clinton - "I've got what it takes to take what you got!" Clinton - "Sleeping with the Enemy" Clinton - "The Good Old Days" ...... Before Clinton Clinton - "The Unknown Soldier, better him than me." Clinton - "There is a perfectly logical explanation." Clinton - "There's spending, and there's spending." Clinton - (((((((((Hypocritical)))))))) (((((((((President)))))))))) Clinton - - Nixon's Honesty and Carter's Majesty. Clinton - 1st Pres. to announce to the world a bathroom trip. Clinton - 57% is less than 43%, Clintonomics rules supreme. Clinton - a "good ol' boy" -- he "didn't inhale" Clinton - A trip through a sewer in a glass bottom boat. Clinton - After his tax plan, he'll be coming for everything else. Clinton - All hope abandon, ye who voted for a Communist Clinton - America held hostage! Clinton - America's National flower is the IRS tax form! Clinton - America, your Constitution was just cancelled. Clinton - American Government running on empty. Clinton - American/Soviet Liberal's ode to P. T. Barnum Clinton - Back to taxation without representation. Clinton - Do not ask for whom the tax rises. Clinton - FIRST Commander-in-Chief who never served. Clinton - first psychoceramic pres -- a real crackpot! Clinton - Freedom of speech is now illegal! Clinton - From a chicken in every pot, to a chicken who smoked pot! Clinton - Gardening with the Slickster: From Weeds to Flowers Clinton - General Sekretary Komrad Hillary Clinton - Get High, Get Stupid, Buy Clinton Lies 1-800-2-INHALE Clinton - Get High, Get Stupid, Vote Incumbent 1-800-NU-TAXES Clinton - Giving "Reality" as a previous address! Clinton - Gore, OUT in four! Clinton - He came...He saw...He took it all!! Clinton - He won; send Candy. He's already had Flowers! Clinton - Hillary to Barbara: "OK! So where is the cement pond?" Clinton - Hillary: The World's Greatest Authority on health care. Clinton - Hollywood and the Press picked Clinton, The Sheep followed. Clinton - I am a Liberal, you will be assimilated. Clinton - I don't blame you for getting rid of him, Arkansas Clinton - I preferred LBJ and his dogs. Clinton - I suggest an immediate investigation of Clinton-Gate! Clinton - I won't tax the Middle Class to pay for my programs! Clinton - If idiots could fly, Bill Clinton would be a 747. Clinton - If ignorance is blessed, I know some ecstatic people. Clinton - If this is the answer, it was VERY ignorant question. Clinton - Impeach Clinton: and her husband too! Clinton - Impeach General Sekretary Komrad KlinTAX. Clinton - Liberal Plan: Totally enslave working Americans. Clinton - looks like Carter, quacks like Carter. Clinton - More Communist tax-and-spend at OUR expense. Clinton - New Liberal Math: Your paycheck minus your paycheck. Clinton - New Motto: Jimmy Carter was right! Clinton - No taxation with out representation (null & void) Clinton - On the cutting edge of America's moral collapse. Clinton - Only Liberals fear an armed citizenry. Clinton - Only Liberals need new asset forfeiture & seizure laws. Clinton - President by the votes of American Communists Clinton - Socialism! Coming to a Government near you. Clinton - Socialist Politicians do it to everyone! Clinton - Southern Babtist? Another name for southern co Clinton - Southern Baptist? So's Gorby & Castro then! CLINTON - The Courage to Quit Clinton - the lowest common denominator of liberal special interests. Clinton - We came, we saw, we took it all away. Clinton - We don't have to be nice, we're liberals. Clinton - Welcome to hell, I'm your new case worker. Clinton - When pro-wrestling is too complicated for you. Clinton - Your credibility check just bounced! Clinton -- Carter without the teeth. Clinton -- New Dimensions in Theft and Perversion Clinton -- The Carter of the 90's Clinton 1040 Tax Form: How much do you make? _________ Send it in! Clinton = Carter + Perot -- Mark Russell CLINTON = Chicken Lickin' Idiot Now Taking Over Nation CLINTON = Crazy Liberal Intent On Needlessly Trashing Our Nation Clinton = WYSAWYG (What You See Ain't What You Get) Clinton Administration: Taxation without hesitation Clinton and Butt-head: Let's tax something! Huh huh. That'd be cool. Clinton and Gore - The Bevis and Butthead of politics Clinton and Gore gone in 4 Clinton and Gore: Beavis and Butthead do DC... Clinton appointees: Love 'em, leave 'em, and find another woman. CLINTON ASKS QUESTION: Have you hugged your favorite Algore today? Clinton at a war memorial is like EarthFirst! owning a logging company Clinton balances the budget: A snip snip here and a snip snip there. Clinton Bashing . . . our newest National Sport!! Clinton Borg  Inhaling is irrelevant. Clinton bumper sticker: Quayle is a BOZOE! Clinton cabinet: IRS windfall providers. Clinton can't even manage a haircut, now the economy? Clinton Casualty: Get a piece of the Little Rock... Clinton cleaned up the travel fraud setup left by Bush/Reagan. Clinton could screw-up an IRON ball!! Clinton Cruise Lines - Taking America for a Ride! Clinton Cruise Lines: We're taking America for a ride! Clinton daffynition: cabinet nominee - flunkie. Clinton daffynition: change - status quo. Clinton daffynition: contributions - taxes. Clinton daffynition: economic stimulus package - pork barrel. Clinton daffynition: promise - goal. Clinton daffynition: rich - anyone earning over $36,000. Clinton defense #14: Wrote my campaign speech on April 1st! Gotcha! Clinton defense #15: Hey - I just do what the wife says. Clinton defense #16: If I raise taxes it'll be easier to cut 'em! Clinton Defense #17: "Aliens ran my campaign while I was with Elvis." Clinton defense #18: You took that seriously? Har har haw haw! Clinton defense #19: Were you REALLY that gullible!? Clinton Defense #1: "Hey, I just do what the wife says." Clinton defense #20: Did it so Chelsie had chance in heck of dating. Clinton defense #21: Only wanted to see Lincoln's bed-room Clinton Defense #2: "I wrote my campaign speech on April 1st!" Clinton Defense #3: "Were you *really* that gullible?" Clinton Defense #4: "You took that seriously?" Clinton didn't inhale; Madonna's a virgin. Clinton didn't win in '92 - he just lost by the least... Clinton does the work of 3 men--Larry, Moe, and Curly! Clinton does the work of three men...Larry, Curley, & Moe. Clinton doesn't inhale . . . he SUCKS! CLINTON DOGGIE-STYLE:He sits up and begs, she plays dead. Clinton economic info: Dial 1-800-SUICIDE. Clinton Economics: If 1+2=3 then 4+5=6. Clinton excuse #18: "You took that seriously? Har har haw haw!!!" Clinton Excuse #23: "That's a misstatement of something I never said." Clinton excuse #23: "That's a mistatement of something I never said." Clinton family makes Billy urinating in public desireable Clinton Fan Club, 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Washington, D.C. Clinton file transfer: PKZIP C:\ Clinton has what it takes to take what you have. Clinton is to Reagan what Edlin is to WordPerfect 6.0. Clinton Medical Dictionary: NITRATES: CHEAPER THAN DAY RATES Clinton of Borg - Inhaling is irrelevant. Clinton's Air Force: Now grabbing new flight sticks! Clinton's Cowardess should not be subsidized w/your vote Clinton/Gore -- gone in four! Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. Close the door and the light stays on! Closed eyes are not always sleeping. Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right... COBOL can be cured with early detection! COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods. COBOL programmers wanted. (quick lighting pref.) COBOL.....(C)ompiles (O)nly (B)ecause (O)f (L)uck Cocaine - the thinking man's Dristan. code code code code eat code code code sleep code code... Coffee, ice cream, paper cuts & Dan Haggerty - Tom cogito ergo . . . get into a lot of arguments Cogito ergo liberal. Cogito ergo spud: I think therefore I yam. COLE's LAW - Thinly sliced cabbage. College don't make fools; they only develop them College is just High School with ashtrays. Com'on folks, get a life! It's all just 1s & 0s! Come back Bush, all is forgiven. Coming soon from Microsoft Foods: Animal Hackers Coming soon to a BBS near YOU! Coming Soon. Mouse Support for Turbo Edlin! Coming soon: WINDOWS FOR NINTENDO Coming to this tagline soon, a NEW HAM call sign Commander Data offers up prayers of thanks to Asimov before dreaming. Commander Keen � 16 ass kicking colors! Commander Keen � A cornerstone in platform game evolution. Commander Keen � Flies a problem? Try a pogo stick! Commander Keen � He even kicked ass in 4 colors! Commander Keen � It didn't *matter* that it was 16 colors. Commander Keen � On Mars no one can hear you scream. Commander Keen � The Universe Is Toast! Commander Keen � With a pogo stick he jumped into history! Commercial radio, commercial radio, commercial r Commie 1-Liner Ninja Consultant & Short-Order Cook Committee--a group which keeps minutes and waste hours. Committee: A group that keeps minutes and wastes hours. Common malady: Diarrhea of mouth + constipation of brain Common sense is the uncommonest sense of all... Common Sense Isn't So Common Communists in the Mccarthy era, democrats in the '90s. Conicedence? Communists: Liberals who know what they're doing! Compatible: Blows up a little later than Incompatible compiled, first screen came up, ship it!!! Compiling...Linking...Dialing Copyright Lawyer... Complaints? Write them here legibly [] <- Compliments of the Itty Bitty Machine Company. Compressed DATA!!! QWK..PKUNZIP him!!!! * Picard Compulsive lying aside, I don't have a single fault. Computer (com-pyoo-ter) n.-Incredibly fast idiot! Computer Marketing & Consults--Stay Clear!! COMPUTER PROGRAMMER WANTED -- Some Assembly Required. Computer Science -- solving today's problems tomorrow. Computer users take more strokes. Computer Virus: Let me trim the F.A.T. from your disk. Computer widow: Family goes broke watching Dad have fun. Computers also eliminate spare time. Computers run on smoke. If it leaks out they won't work. Computers: the financial black hole of the 90's Condominiums are not effective birth control. Condoning sloppy spelling is guache. Conductors do it with a stick. ConEd - made in the U.S.A Conference 7 � The surf of the Software Creations Ocean. Conference Host, Running & Being Confession is good 4 the soul, but bad 4 the reputation. Confucious say too damn much! Confuse people.. Quote from the WRONG message! Confused ? Try Using EDLIN w/ EZ-Reader ! Confused Now? -- Try EdLin With Deluxe� . . . Confusion is the only true road to understanding. Confussion will be my epitaph Congress *isn't* 100% Democrat. Blame Republicans too! Congress controls spending, Democrats control congress, Get the picture? Congressional Supremacy = the liberal Democrats CONNECT 110?!? Help! I'm in s l o w m o t i o n !! CONNECT 1200/ARQ/LAPM/V42BIS/WHATSTHEPOINT? Conscience: What hurts when everything else feels so good Consciousness... That annoying time between naps. Conserve electricity: Support lethal injections. Conserve water. Ban salted peanuts. Considering how Tim Horton died, should we eat Timbits? Consistency: The last refuge of the unimaginative Constant tinkering buggers things up Constants aren't; variables don't. Continental Breakfast: Roll in bed with honey Contraceptives: to be used on all conceivable occasions. Contradiction in terms: The Best of Rush Limbaugh Control-ALT-Delete thyself Coochie! Coochie! Coochie! - Crow as guy touches corpse Cool, we got the moron channel. 24 Hours of snow. Cop: Ever been arrested? * Tom: Define arrested Core error -- bus dumped. Correct in Thought, Statement, or Action....TRUE!! Cosmetologists give make-up exams CoSysop, Thunderbolt BBS - call for a good time CoSysop, Thunderbolt BBS - SDS, SDN, and more Could a bee be before four foreheads at once? Could you show me some...SUNDRIES? - Tom leers to girl Coup de grace -- French for lawnmower? courtship (v.) - trial held on U.S. Naval vessel. Cover me. I'm going to change lanes. Cow Tipping; Is that when you give your waiter a steak? Cow with 2 legs missing = Lean Beef. Cow's breath attracts mosquitoes and tsetse flies! Cow: A machine that makes grass palatable for humans. Cowabunga I'll take the Marshmallow pizza Coward: One who in thinks with his legs. Cowards take hostages, Klingons do not.--Worf Cowboy Neal was at the wheel of the bus to never-ever land Cowboys ain't easy to love..... Cowboys DO IT on a horse. Cows do it in leather. Cranial Input Error: Line Status Register 02 Crazy J & Erik Harris � Closet Apogee fans. Create your own reality: Be a Liberal! Credit card owner -- Member of the debt set Crescendo! 301.490.4775 410.792.7208 "a musical peak" Crickets. I hear crickets. Big crickets - Tom Crime bill? I thought we voted to jail Bill! Crime does not pay... as well as politics. Crime frequently starts with liberal Democrats. Critical error: (S)hout, (S)mash, (B)uy a mac. Crossing Lee Iacocca and a vampire: AUTOEXEC.BAT Crow! You gotta snap outta Shatner - Joel Crow, you get the photo album - Gypsy during fire drill Crow: A Title Sequence Named Desire * Tom: Stella! Crow: Jealous * Mike: I AM not! * Crow: Are too! Crow: What was that waiters name? * Bots: Jean Luc! Crow: You saw Jesus? * Tom: Yeh, real nice guy Crude, immoral, vulgar, and senseless. CRUISING: 19200bps modem and 0.5bps fingers! Crusoe got everything done by Friday. Can you? Cthulhu Calls -- using MCI Cthulu Saves... in case he's hungry later! Cure for baldness: Put on your hat! Cure for postal strikes: mail them their strike pay. Cure for spurned lovers: broken heart surgery. Curiosity didn't kill the cat, it was my hammer! Cut it out, you scamp! - Dr. F to Frank Cynic - Knows price of everything and the value of nothing. D&D: Democrats & Dragons, Everyone Should Play. D.A.M.N. Nude Mothers against Dyslexia Dachshunds are really small crocodiles with fur. Daddy! Let me push a-!@# NO CARRIER Daddy, what does FORMAT C: mean? Daddy, what does this little red butt&咬낏 NO CARRIER Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy? Daddy? What's this little red button for? Dafynition #287: TSR=Trash System Randomly Dahlmer to PeeWee: Quit playing with the food. Dammit Jim - I'm a programmer, not a doctor! Dammit no! Don't pick on the pho^$ L%�#!갱 Dammit, where'd I leave that tagline? Damn the documentation, full speed ahead! Damnit Jim, she's dead! Get off of her! Dance lessons cheap! Our speciality the Horizontal Mambo! Dance with the one that brung ya. Dancing with Wolves, Sleeping with beavers DANGER! DANGER! Computer Book Store Ahead, Hide Wallet. DANGER! DANGER! Computer Store Ahead, Hide Wallet. Danger! Human at keyboard! Danger, @N@! Off-topic messages! Danger! Dangerous Exercise: Jumping to Conclusions Dangerous tagline . . . . . . . . . . . KA-BOOM!! Dark Movie: A QM production - Tom on lousy lighting Darn clumsy mummy - Tom Darn my h�n� 픦晦 땣 n稗s씘 Darth Vader sleeps with a teddywookie. Data convinces the Pepsi machine that Coke is better. Data is emotional because of a computer virus. � The Borg Data, data everywhere, and not a byte to eat. DATSUN: Detroit's Angry Towards Sneaky Unscrupulous Nips David Brenner, Andy Rooney, David Brenner & a ferret -Tom Dawn crept across the lawn, looking for her car keys. day++; dollar--; DBasers do it in fields. Dead or Alive, Big or Small, Liberals tax them all! Deadlines amuse me. Deal with it, Pink-Boy! Dear Aunt Nefertiti thanks for the SOCKS? -Crow on scroll Death cures cancer. Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'. Debate Conf's=Mud Wrestling for the Pedantic Debbie Gibson is pregnant with my love child. Decisions terminate panic Defend the right to keep and arm bears! DEFINE: De ting you get for breaking de law. Definition of a LIBERAL: Societies version of a Computer Virus... Degreelessness Mode is for kids who can't handle hot lead! Deja MOO, you've milked this cow before. Delphi � Second only to AOL Delta-Q-Delta � The tradition lives on... Democracy can withstand anything but Democrats. Democracy can withstand anything but liberals. Democracy can withstand anything but militant democrats. Democrat - Liberalism's ode to P. T. Barnum Democratic Party: Political wing of the IRS Democratic Prez + Democratic House + Democratic Senate = higher taxes Democrats cut red tape....LENGTHWISE Denial is not a river in Egypt. Denise: Your sister's daughter. Dentist : he lives from hand to mouth. Depart in pieces.... i.e., Split. Department meeting in 3 minutes Desk: a large wastebasket with drawers and a phone. Desperate times call for cheap shots. Despite of the cost of living, it remains popular. Despite the cost of living, it remains popular. DESQview - No hourglass required! DESQview does Windoze. DesqView's Upgrade Policy is good.... NOT! DESQview: Windex for Windows DESQview: The Faster Multitasker Deus Ex Machina! DEVICEHIGH: Your device driver on drugs. Diagonally parked in a parallel universe Dial M for Mundane - Crow Diamonds but for patience would be coal. Dick Brennick - Belmont, Massachusetts Dickweed...Dog...Dumbshi...Ummm - Joel as God Did ancient astronauts wear Lee press on nails? - Tom Did Hoover suck? Did I just step on someones toes again?? Did I make myself clear? Good, tell me what I said Did I tell you what the dogs did yesterday? Did PeeWee and Justice Thomas abuse their staff? Did Qmodem originate in the Q continium? Did you expect mere proof to sway my opinion? Did you expect to find words of wisdom here? Did you get that, or do I HAVE to include a ? Did you just whinney? - Crow to girl Did you know that rats can't vomit? Did you know that SATAN is an anagram for SANTA? Did you receive a proper socialist education? Did you say that MNP means Modem Needs Pizza? Didn't I meet you in some other hallucination?? Didn't I See Your Picture On a Milk Carton? Diet? Just eschew what you would chew! Difference between a hero and a coward is 1 step sideways Difference between a hero and a coward is one step sidewa Difference between a virus & windows? Viruses never fail. Difference between men & boys is the price of their toys Dignity can't be preserved in alchohol. Dijon vu: the feeling you've tasted this mustard before. Dinner not ready. (A)bort, (R)etry, (P)izza? Diode: What happens to people who don't die young. Diogenes is still searching. Diplomacy: Saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock Diplomacy: Saying "Nice Doggy"... until you find a rock. Diplomacy: the Vaseline of political intercourse. Diplomat - What -not- to call Knuckles Lomat. Dirty old man? The Ropers get more action - Crow Disaster is the only thing I can depend on.... Disc Jockey: Ray Rock * Mike: Used to be Ray M.O.R. Discover the elusive mysterious secrets of Mystic Towers! Disk Crash:Abort,Retry,Kill innocent bystandards Disk Error on C: - (A)bort, (R)etry, (D)estruct DisneyLand: A people trap operated by a mouse. DISREGARD LAST MESSAGE DIVORCE = system ("echo y| erase \wife\*.*" ); Divorce is not an effective deterrent to marriage. dniw gnikaerb fo erusaelp eht..neg걆grevtraF Do artificial plants need artificial water? Do bl Sp ce is a v ry saf me hod of driv compr s ion Do brown cows give chocolate milk? Do clones use mirrors? Do files get embarassed being unZIPped ? Do files get embarrassed being unZIPped? Do gay bars REALLY need two bathrooms? Do HD's sneeze when they catch a virus? Do I believe in the Bible? Yes I've seen one. Do I straddle the fence on issues? Well, yes and no ... Do invisible cats drink evaporated milk? Do it now! There might be a law against it tomorrow. Do it today before the liberals tax it tomorrow! Do it today...tomorrow it will be illegal! Do it with style Do married women make the best wives? Do molecular biologists wear designer genes? Do Not Attempt to Traverse a Chasm in Two Leaps. Do not believe in miracles - rely on them. Do not disturb. Already disturbed. Do NOT look into laser with remaining eyeball! Do not operate machinery while reading this tag Do not pay any attention to this. Do not read beyond this line. Do Not Remove This Tag (Under Penalty of Law) Do not remove this tagline under pain of death 8-( Do not remove this tagline under penalty of law. Do not remove under penalty of law. DO NOT soak me up with honey please! Do not underestimate the power of the Force. Do not write on walls - use a typewriter. Do nuns really have any bad habits? Do Quarter Horses have only one leg???? Do random acts of kindness and beauty. Do some people know when they're full of crap? Do you? Do sorority girls need beta testers? Do the clowns always cry - Joel sings do the right thing DEMOCRATS: THINK! Do unto others before they do it to you! Do vegetarians eat animal crackers? Do wah ditty ditty dum ditty do Do what you will with this tagline, just don't bother me about it! Do ya feel lucky kid? Well do ya?! Try yer luck with Raptor! Do you C my point? Do you ever wonder where felt come from? - Crow Do you hand out nose plugs to your guests? Do you know how to keep a BBSer in suspense? Do you love me for my brain or my baud? Do you mind if we dance wif yo dates???? Do you use MCI? So do I. List me as a friend... Doc! all I ever think of is sex. RX buy a computer Docs....I don't need no stinkin' docs! Documentation - The worst part of programming. Documentation is for people who can't read. DODGE: Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter DODGE: Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere DODGE: Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere Does "Bad FAT" mean disk has high cholesterol? Does a radioactive cat have 18 half-lives? Does anybody actually read Taglines Does anyone know the plot yet? -Joel, 15 mins. into movie Does Dolly Parton have a stack overflow? Does FAKE fur come from stuffed animal toys? Does fuzzy logic tickle? Does it really matter if he said he is Batman Does it take an entomologist to recognize a computer bug? Does killing time harm eternity? Does Microsoft mean small and limp? Does that help at all? Does the early worm deserve the bird??? Does The Little Mermaid wear an algebra? Does the name "Pavlov" ring a bell? Does water sink or float? Does Windows 3 ever need to be cleaned ? Does Windows 3.1 come with a Hard Drive? Does your dog bite? Dogs come when you call. Cats have answering machines. Dogs crawl under fences, Software crawls under Windows. Dogs crawl under fences, software under Windows. Dogs crawl under fences; software crawls under Windows. Dogs--The closest thing to offspring I plan on having. Doing Hard Time on the Third Stone From the Sun Doing it the hard way is always easier. Doing Windows in C is a pane in the glass. Doing! Doing! Doing! - Crow as guy shakes his head Dollars and sense should go together Don't ask me to suck out the venom - Crow on shrew bite Don't ask me! I was hired for my good looks! Don't ask me--I'm making this up as I go! Don't ask why, just do it. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain. Don't believe anything you read, especially tags Don't blame me... I didn't do it! Don't blame me..it's San Andreas fault. Don't call it lust. Call it deeeeeeeeeep appreciation! DON'T CLOUD THE ISSUE WITH FACTS... Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers! Don't drink and park, accidents cause people. Don't even think of putting a tagline here. Don't force it, use a bigger hammer Don't forget to limp - Crow Don't hate me, I'm just a tagline. Don't have a cow, man! Try a moose instead! Don't have a Pentium, spent everything on girlfriend Don't hide your contempt of the contemptible! Don't hit me, Mr. Moderator... I'll go back on topic... I swear! Don't judge a book by its movie Don't just believe in miracles, rely on them. Don't just do something, sit there! Don't know your A:\ from a hole in the ROM?... Don't leave in a huff. Make it a minute and a huff. Don't let me get too deep. Don't let school interfere with your education Don't look conspicuous-it draws fire. Don't look Ethyl... It was too late. Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. Don't meddle in the affairs of Wizards... Don't mind me; I'm the designated drunk. Don't need future shock--present shock is enuff. Don't open the darkroom door; it lets all the dark out. Don't overtax yourself. That's Bill Clinton's job. Don't overtax yourself; thats the Government's job. Don't put your tongue on it - Crow on freezer shelf DON'T read the manual! Just WING that sucker! DON'T READ THIS!!! Don't rush me. I get paid by the hour. Don't smoke dope, fry your hair! Don't steal, the government doesn't like the competition Don't steal. The government hates competition. Don't Support Shareware, just their Authors! Don't sweat it - it's only ones and zeros. Don't sweat petty things, or pet sweaty things Don't sweat the petty things, pet the sweaty things. Don't take life seriously - won't get out alive! Don't take life so seriously...it's not permanent. Don't talk to me, talk to God! He even listens to Liberals! Don't tell Mom the Baby Sitter is HOT! - Tom leers Don't think a doubled message comes further! DON'T throw away your 2� words. I collect them! Don't touch that keyboard. We'll be right back. Don't Touch That Phone...I'm On The Mode+^%$#(*@ Don't try to confuse me with the facts! Don't use a big, long word when a diminutive one will do. Don't use commas, which, aren't necessary. Don't worry the next message will be better! Don't worry, be happy. Don't worry, I'm go�ng t� b�ckup t�d Don't worry: The answer's at the back of the book. Don't ya hate it when your stabbin' someone, and your knife gets stuck Don't you hate boring taglines? Don't you wish you voted for .. now? DOOM - Travel to exotic lands, meet interesting imps, kill them. DOOM = (D)estroy (O)pponents (O)ver (M)odem DOOM rule: incoming fire has right of way. DOOM unto others as they DOOM unto you. DOOM ]I[ � The worst is yet to come! DOOM ][: Now might be a good time to save. DOOM ][: Been there, done that, got the T-shirt!!! DOOM � I'm upping my frag count. Up yours! DOOM: All clear... except for that Cyberdemon! DOOM: Is my modem supposed to smoke like that? DOOM: Just because I have this launcher doesn't mean I did it! DOOM: May your shotgun never be empty. DOOM: Now might be a good time to save. DOOM: Welcome to Hell. Here's your shotgun. DOOM: Who lives by the sword gets shot by who doesn't. DOOM: Ammo! Ammo! I NEED more ammo here now damn it! DOOM: He who laughs last probably has the most ammo. DOOM: If it moves shoot it, if doesn't shoot it until does DOOM: If you hit every time, the target's too near. DOOM: If your enemy is in range, so are you. DOOM: See you in hell. DOOM: When in doubt, Use the BFG-9000! DOOM: Who lives by the sword gets shot by who doesn't. DOOMed are the Keen Wolf QUAKErs! Dopefish are cool. They're like cows. Dopefish [n, Pisces Swimeatus] - see "indestructable." Dopefish [n] - See Indestructible Dopefish � Stupid? Yes. Indestructible? Definitely. Dopefish � Swim, swim, hungry. Swim, swim, hungry. Dopefish � You may be smarter & faster, but he's immortal Dorothy, we're not in Kansas.  Toto! You can speak! � Dorothy:Oz sucks,went back to Kansas.Took Ruby Shoes.Good luck.TOTO DOS never says "EXCELLENT command or filename"... DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS! DOS: Tells a computer what to do with itself! Dos: Venerable. Windows: Vulnerable. OS/2: Viable. DOS=HIGH? I knew it was on something... Double your clock speed - Plug into 220 volts Double Your Hard Drive Space. DELETE WINDOWS! DoubleSpace � Compressed itself out of DOS 6.21 Doublespace � Who needs an unreliable hard drive? Down with TLAs! (three letter acronyms) Downgrade your system for only 89 dollars! Install Windows! Dr. Clayton "Stonewall" Forrester - Dr. F Dr. Livingston I Presume was Dr. Presume's full name. Dr.Clayton Forrester & his loveable sidekick ResusciAnnie Drag me, drop me, treat me like an object. Dramatize: What well dressed RAM chips wear. Draw your salary before spending it. Dreaded words : hard di?k failure Drilling for oil is boring. Drive A: not responding.. .Formating C: instead Drive C: Error, (A)bort (R)etry (I)gnore (K)ick (S)cream Drive defensively. Buy a tank. Drive not ready:(A)bort, (R)etry, (S)crew it! Drive Offensively! Drive slower than your guardian angel can fly. Drop me a line...anytime! Drop your carrier ... we have you surrounded! DSZ speed 300 ha ha ha tee hee hee rz -ZZZzzzZZZzz DU.S. SUPREME COURT  Duck Billed Platypus: Proof God has a sense of humor Duct tape is like The Force-it holds the universe together Duh, uh WAGNUTS?! - Crow as hick Duke Nukem 3D will blow you away! Duke Nukem 3D � And you thought DOOM was tough! Duke Nukem 3D � Blasting your way in 1995! Duke Nukem 3D � Now you're playing with power! Duke Nukem 3D � Why don't YOU try saving the world sometime? Duke Nukem II � Brain damage... Coool! Duke Nukem II � He's Back, and he's BADDER than ever! Dumb luck beats sound planning every time. Trust me. Dumb Questions are better than smart mistakes! Durians, real fruits for real people. DV Tree ==> Turbocharged DESQview dy(3x^4 + 2x-5)/dx = 12x^3 + 2 Dyslexia rules KO. Dyslexia: it can warn without striking! Dyslexics have more fnu Dyslexics of the world, UNTIE! Eagles may fly, but weasels aren't sucked into jets. Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious. Earning money would be fun if it wasn't so taxing. Earth is 98% full...please delete anyone you can. Earth shutting down in 5 minutes. Close files and log off. Earth v. 1.0 � Evaluation year 15,124,238,324 Earth: mostly harmless. Ease down, Thunder Cloud - Tom to his race car Easy Does It. But Do It Easy-open instructions inside box! Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway... Eat the rich - the poor are tough and stringy. Eat yogurt and get cultured ebius tagline. This is a moebius tagline. This is a mo Editing is a rewording activity. Education will never become as expensive as ignorance Effective Gun Control: Keep muzzle pointed at target. Either lead, follow, or get out of the way! Elevator men do it on all floors Elvis has left the building to play Halloween Harry! Elvis says, "Hey, who stuck a biscuit up my Kong?!" EMBRACE DEATH, ROY!!!!!! *BLAM!* *BLAM!* Emotion vs logic? Emotion always wins. Energize the liberal shields Mr. Spock. Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery! Engineers: often wrong, seldom in doubt English? You use English? Where'd you get your compiler? Enjoy your stay in MONSTER CONDO... Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue Entered 11-25-91, at 5:39pm, from Collierville, TN Entered on Fri 11-15-91 at 11:23pm Entropy isn't what it used to be. Epoch: the sound made by a hen Eradicate belligerent nationalism: FLUSH RUSH Erik Harris � The childish stain of Software Creations Conference 7 ERROR #00: CPU TOO *TIRED* TO CONTINUE Error #1511: Brain Offline Error - Operator out of memory! Error - [A]bort, [R]etry, [F]ake like it's working... ERROR 0143: Unable to exit Windows. Try the door. ERROR 301: Keyboard not found. Press F1 to resume. Error 77: Blonde on keyboard gets 8 more. Error : (A)bort (R)etry (S)ell it Error finding REALITY.SYS - Universe halted. ERROR LPT1 not found.. use backup - PENCIL & PAPER ERROR: CPU not found Erudition is a poor substitute for cognition. Eschew and avoid redundant obfuscation. Eschew Obfuscation . . . Escort GT - An oxymoron Espresso: ultra-efficient caffeine delivery system Ethernet: Device used to catch the ether bunny. Ettore's law: the other line always moves faster EUNUCHS UNITE... You have NOTHING to lose!!� Eureka!!! I found another "feature"! European mime troupe MUMMY-Shanze - Crow Evangelists do more than lay people Evangelists understand the missionary position. Even a small star shines brightly in the dark Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat. Even Mother Nature doesn't mess with Moderators. Even Programers need a "bit" of love Even small mouths can gather BIG feet! Even the dullest candle burns brighter in the dark. Even this shall pass away... Ever caught yourself reading taglines and not the msgs? Ever feel like crying & you don't know why? - Joel Ever lob a live grenade into a basket of kittens? Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I. Ever see a couple of dogs do it human style? Ever stop to think and forget to start again? Ever wanted to download pizza? Ever wonder what a cured ham once had? Ever wonder what oop Fortrash would look like? Every absurdity has a champion to defend it. Every day is starting to look like Monday ... Every family tree has a little sap. Every morning is the dawn of a new error... Every morning you are handed 24 golden hours..... Every silver lining has a liberal wanting to tax it. Every time I lose weight, it finds me again. Every tool is a weapon, if you hold it right. Everyone as they loveth, some people kiss cows. Everyone has the democraticright to be wrong. Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid. Everyone is entitled to my opinion, just ask me... Everyone is entitled to my opinion... FREE! Everyone is gifted. Some open the pkg sooner. Everyone is of some use, if only to set a bad example!� EVERYONE is weird. Some of us are proud of it. Everyone makes mistakes, if not we'd be single! Everything I said clear as mud??? Everything in excess! Moderation is for monks. Everything is a joke to you - Joel to Tom Everything starts as somebody's daydream. Everything You Know Is Wrong Everywhere is an LD call from here. Evil won't kill us; damn liberals & Democrats will! Evil won't kill us; liberalism will! Exactness is the Sublimity of fools. (Fontenelle) Excalibur, the sword of kings �**캗袴袴袴袴袴羔� Excuse me if I sound bitter....I taste that way too Excuse me while I whip this out! Excuse me, I have to recharge my flamethrower Excuse me, is that your face or did your neck throw up? Excuse me. I *DO* have a full deck; I'm just a slow shuffler. EXEC-PC � Winner of John Dvorak's Best BBS PITY AWARD! Exercise before kinky sex - you should be fit to be tied. Exhibitionists love Windows Expenditures tend to rise to surpass all income. Experience Baron Baldric's magical cane in Mystic Towers Experience is directly proportional to mistakes. Exploding Piglet Falls Out Stupid Window...GIF at 11 Explosion at sperm bank. Nurses overcome. Exxon - greasing the coastline for smoother boating! F because you're fluffy, flaky & fun! - Gypsy sings F is for the flower that is second to none! - Tom sings F.L.W's "thar ain't no injuns for 100 miles" G.A.C F=TAGLINES.DAT Faber: Knowledge is good! Fac meam diem. -- Clintus Estvoodicus Fact of life #15: Heads bleed, walls don't. FACT: A liberal will blink when struck with a hammer. Fake SPEED's Censor %%%% %%%%% %%%%%% %%%%%%% %%%%%%%% False appearance of fine speech Farfignewton.. the cookie of the stars.. Farfignewton: n., from German, "ergonomic cookie" Fartvergn갾en..the pleasure of breaking wind Fascist Underoos! - Crow on evil dictator Faster, faster foolish modem! ... oh, well Fastest way to trace your family tree: Run for public office. Fear not, for I have given you authority Feathers are so expensive now that DOWN is up. Features should be discovered, not documented! Feces occurs. Feed your faith and starve your doubts to death. Feel good? Don't worry; you'll get over it! Feel lucky???? Update your software! Feeling compressed ARJ you? Feeling suicidal? Then join Starfleet Security! Feet plus Inarticulated Mouth Equals Costume - Tom Feet smell, nose runs? You're built upside down. Feet Smell? Nose Run? Hey, you're upside down! Feet smell? Nose runs? You're built upside down! Female programmers get their bits twiddled. Fetch hither the comfy chair! Feudalism: It's your Count that votes. fflush and then wwash your hands. FIAT: Failure in Automotive Technology FIAT: Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation FIAT: Fix It Again Tony? FIAT: Fix It All the Time Fight Global Cooling, burn a non-smoker TODAY! Fight the Greenhouse Effect: PLANT TREES!!! Fight War, Not Wars! Fighting for peace is like f***ing for virginity Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity. Fighting rhubarb! - Tom mumbles during fight FIILE_ID.DIZ only has one 'I' - David Terry, 1994. File Manager msg: star.star found. Deleting all Star Trek files. File not found, I'll load something *I* think is interesting. File not found. Make a wild stab at it (Y/N)? File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) Fill'em up with ZIP standard sir? No, ARJ premium please! Final scores: Deep Space 9, Babylon 5, Earth 2. Finally! I found the last bug..last bug..last bu{~*&%@& Find out how many friends you have; rent a beach villa. Find PrintPlus on Runway BBS, Conference 77 SSI Fine! Fine! Everyone pick on the devil! - Mike Fine: Tax for doing wrong. Tax: fine for doing fine. Finger me, and I'll give you my plan! Finish your mail packet! Children are offline in India. Finished with my woman, cause she couldn't help me... FIRE!! BANG!! OOUUUCH!!!!! Whoops! Is anyone down range. Firmware: Software with permanent bugs hardwired into it First Shalt thou pull out the Holy Pin! Fish! Fish! Fish! Fish! Fish! Fish! - Cat, Red Dwarf Fishing rod: a hook at one end, a fool at the other. Flashs in the Pan: Pet Rocks & Rush Limbaugh Flat cats are good for filling potholes. Floggings will continue until morale improves Floppy disk - A disk that flops Floppy not responding, Format HARD DRIVE instead? Y/N ? Floppy not responding--formatting HDD! Flushing: a higher state of being Flying is PLANE fun ... Fonts and Typefaces: The more the merrier! Fools rush in -- and get the best seats. Fools rush in where fools have been before. Fools rush in... and listen to Rush Limbaugh! For a good time, type "DOPEFISH". For a good time, type FORMAT C: For a photographer, life us just a bed of poses For all you do, this SCUD's for you. For more info, send a self-abused stomped elephant to... For New Year's, I gave up sex & lying. For people who like peace and quiet: A phoneless cord. For reliability hide complex data structures. For Sale: Dehydrated H�O - $14 per quart FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once. For sale: One mind. Pristine condition -- hardly used. For Sale: Parachute. Used once, never opened. Reply: Widow Dean For sincere personal advice, page your SysOp at 3 A.M. For the water is deep, and I have dodged the Dopefish. For tomorrow I diet . . . For warm boot, put computer in dryer for 20 minutes. Force without mind falls by its own weight. FORD = Fix Often, Repair Daily FORD = Found On Road Dead Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it. FORD: First On Recall Day FORD: Fix Or Repair Daily FORD: Found On the Roadside Dead FORD: Fraternal Order of Restored DeSoto's Forewarned is forearmed... which is about half an octopus. FORFEIT: What most animals stand on. Forget patience! I'm gonna kill something... Forget RTFM..., Phone the Author at home! Forget the computer! Where's my abacus?? Forget the dog; beware of owner. Forget the Joneses.... I can't keep up with The Simpsons Format C:......OOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPSSSS! Format Hard Drive! Are you SURE (Y/Y)? Forrest Fudd: Wife is wike a box of chocowates. Fortes fortuna adjuvat Forty isn't old.........if you're a tree. Four and six a pound and him with a wooden leg? Frag, frag, frag, 'til her daddy takes the shotgun away! Frag, frag, frag, till her daddy takes her shotgun away! Frank, let's pretend I hurt you & move on - Dr. Forrester Frankenstein did it monstrously. Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn : C. Gable Free finger pullers available with every Taco Bell meal. FREE SLMR UPGRADES FOR AS LONG AS YOU OWN YOUR CAR Free speech is not a euphemism for bad manners. Freedom isn't cheap and it never goes on sale. Freedom of speech is now mandatory! Fri Nov 29 09:42:43 EST 1991 � Friar Tuck's been fingered - Mike on crossbow Friction is a drag. Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate Friends come and go, enemies accumulate Friends don't let friends become dittoheads. Friends don't let friends run Wildcat! Friends don't let friends use Prodigy Friends don't let friends vote for Democrat's! Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your taglines! Friends, Romans, Countrymen: lend me your noses From Idaho: Cogito ergo spud. I think therefore I yam. Go ahead, back up to the RAM disk. I dare you! Go ahead, jump. 100,000 lemmings can't be wrong. Go Ahead.. We're cleared for wierd. Go ahead...MAKE MY DOWNLOAD!!! Go Cowboys! And take the Rangers and Mavericks with you! Go For It! GO MAVERICKS!! and please take the Rangers and Cowboys. Go on, just hit me! ...Name:Esc, #:27, Rank:UL.. Go Rangers! And take the Cowboys and Mavericks with you! Go softly....it's dark out there Go straight to the docs. Do not pass GO. Do not collect $200! Go suck on a tailpipe, you liberal scumbag! Go to bed old man! Go to Heaven! Go to Hooters and play D00M. God created anchovies, Satan put them on pizza. God is real, unless declared integer God loves you; everyone else thinks you're an ass� God made whiskey so the Irish wouldn't rule the world? God made whisky to keep the Irish from ruling the world! God spoke, "A little liberal shall lead them .." God's baud rate is �. Going to Beta-Test SOON! :-) Gold Leader, they have a lock on my tagline! Gold medalist, freestyle conclusion-jumping event. Golf's main purpose is to teach you humility. Good advice works best when the giver takes his own. Good boy...now go sit in the corner and do what you do best. Good greeeeef, what kind of tagline is that anyhow? Good lawyer gets Sodomy reduced to following too close. Good News: The Democrats have been elect�^�#�%^!꺼$跛.#$� Good thing they brought a make-out tarp - Crow Good writers borrow. Great writers steal. - T.S. Eliott Good, Fast or Cheap: Choose 2 of the 3. GOSUB:coffee;work;RETURN: Got Kleptomania? Take something for it! Got kleptomania? Be sure to take something for it. Got to go, I think a SCUD just landed in my livingroom Gotta get our little buddy outta the bone orchard -Joel Gotta have my Corn Pops... Gotta run. My neighbors just sighted Elvis making crop circles. Government is a broker in pillage. Government of the people, by the lawyers, for the liberals Graduate, Whatsamatta U. School of Management Grafitti has changed deface of the nation. Grammar and spelling mistakes created by random line noise. Grandma got run over by a reindeer... Grass is always greener over the cesspool Gravity is a law. Lawbreakers will be brought down! Gravity: it's not just a good idea, it's the law! GRAVITY: Not just a good idea--its the law! Great minds discuss ideas; Small ones, people Greco Roman Catholic wrestling - Crow on struggling nuns Greenhouse, schmeenhouse -- I'm FREEZING! Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. Guaco-mummy - Tom on green mummy slime GUI: Grab the User In-the-face GUI? FUI! DOS prompt forever! Gun control is being able to drop a liberal at 500 yards! Gun control is being able to hit your target Gun control is hitting what you aim at. Gun control: Keep the muzzle pointed at the target. Gun shop in tough neighborhood has back-to-school sales Guns don't kill people. Postal workers do. Guns don't kill people..., I KILL PEOPLE! Guns don't kill. Fast-moving projectiles do. Hard Work never killed anyone, so why chance it? hardware: The part you kick. Hardware: What you kick - Software: What you boot Hare Forsberg, Hare Forsberg, Proyam proyam, Hare Harrassing me about smoking is hazardous to your health. Has anyone found my marbles? hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY? Has anyone seen my tagline? I think someone stole it!! Has that file been saved? No, but we're praying for it. HAS THE WORLD GONE MAD! Has this conference been sprinkled????? Hasta la vista, baby! Hau gerta ez dadn, oihan-guteak geldi 춗atzu! Have a good day today and a better day tommorow Have a nice day, and a better tomorrow! Have a nice day. Have an affair. It will break up the monogamy. Have time to waste? Get Microsoft Windows 3.0! Hustler Definition of a Hard Disk: Excited Floppy. I outstare cats for fun!