ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ· ³ º ³ H - M A I L 1 9 . T X T º ³ º ÔÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍͼ Ok, it's three in the morning, I'm bored outta my skull at work and I'm compiling this list of jokes to keep awake. There's just plain nothing else to do right now but wait for a phone call to irritate me. In the meanwhile, some humour for your pleasure. If you insist on flaming me, do so on herby@fast.co.za. Title: H-MAIL19.TXT [Formatted to 66 lines per page] File size: 200,131 bytes Date: 11-11-95 [Standard advert] All H-MAIL?? files are available at ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ³ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ ³ ³ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ ³ ³ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ ³ ³ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ ³ ³ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ ³ ³ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ ³ ³ ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ³ ³ The HMVH Corporation ³ ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ Bulletin Board System [+27 11] (011) 941-1341 USR V.34/V.fc (24 Hours) ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ It is reported from London that a group 'American Life' has been lobbying for a major cleanup of Disney movies. They alledge that: 1. The Lion King features a scene where the word SEX is spelled out in the clouds; 2. In Aladdin, when the Prince addresses Jasmine in one scene, a voice can be heard saying 'All good children, take off your clothes'; and 3. In the wedding scene in The Little Mermaid, the minister is visibly sexually aroused. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ While baking a cake one day, a Polish mother was asked by her little boy if he could lick the bowl. The mother said, "No, flush it like everyone else does." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ [The following Dave Barry column showed up on the Stanford BBoard via some circuitous route.] Nervous? Hah! NERVOUS?! Forget it! I am not the least tiny little BIT nervous about engaging in air travel these days!! Why even as I write these words, I am boldly sitting in a jet-powered commercial airplane, and I am cool as a cucumber. This is because we are on the ground at the famous Atlanta airport, which means we will all be dead from starvation long before we take off, because there are 1,450 aircraft ahead of us, including a number of biplanes still awaiting clearance to participate in World War I. Sitting next to me are two pilots whose flight was canceled. I am not making this up. They work for Eastern Airlines, one of a growing group of airlines that, as far as I can tell, do not actually own any airplanes. What they own is a large, modern and superbly maintained fleet of excuses for why your flight has been canceled. It's a real thrill to watch the gate crews for these airlines swing into action as departure time approaches: "Ladies and gentlemen," the gate agent proudly announces, "the excuse for canceling Flight 219 is now arriving on our computer screen." Right on time! The aspiring passengers cluster around and watch with nervous excitement as the gate agent frowns at the computer, then says: "Flight 219 has been canceled because of . . . (Dramatic pause) " . . . MAYONNAISE IN THE GYROSCOPE!" Ha ha! A new one! What will they think of next? The aspiring passengers, shaking their heads in wonderment at how far commercial aviation has come in just their own lifetimes, wander off to look for a working vending machine. Not that I am complaining about being stuck on the ground. No, because the aviation industry is operating under a new policy called "deregulation," under which anybody who can produce two forms of identification is allowed to operate an airline, and alarming things can happen to the occasional flight that actually becomes airborne, as evidenced by recent news reports of planes whose engines were turned off when they were not in direct personal contact with the ground; planes taking off without important mechanical parts such as wings; planes bound for Lexington, Ky., but landing, due to navigational error, on the Lost Continent of Atlantis; etc. But what really bothers me is the pilots. When I was a boy, all the pilots were much older than I am, but in recent years there has been a disturbing trend -- you may have noticed this -- toward pilots MY OWN AGE. I happen to be my own age, and I would never place a person such as myself in a position of responsibility. I live in constant fear that one day I'm going to get on an airplane, and there in the cockpit, wearing a uniform and frowning at the instruments, will be somebody I went to high school with, somebody like Billy Kirkwood, who once, at the Halloween Dance, on purpose, set fire to his own hair. And let's not even TALK about what happens to luggage. I'm going to have a little sticker made up: YOU CAN CHECK MY LUGGAGE WHEN YOU PRY MY COLD, DEAD FINGERS OFF THE HANDLE. Everybody feels this way. Everybody carries everything on board. You see people stuffing Barcaloungers into the overhead racks. TRUE ANECDOTE: Recently the remains of Pvt. Eddie Slovik, the only American executed for desertion during World War II, were supposed to be flown via TWA from New York, N.Y., to Detroit, Mich., so naturally they wound up in San Francisco, Calif. This really happened. Fortunately somebody managed to track Pvt. Slovik down before he earned a Frequent Flier bonus trip to the Far East. Meanwhile, here in the Atlanta airport, we are getting our Safety Lecture. "In the unlikely event that we make it as far as a body of water before we crash," the flight attendant is saying, "you can use your complimentary snack to repel sharks." Next to me, the Eastern pilots -- one of whom is, no question about it, YOUNGER than I am -- are looking at the little safety card from the barf-bag pocket, and they are LAUGHING at it. This is the truth. I ask them what is so funny, and they point to the diagram of the plane floating perkily on top of the water, like a giant inflatable pool toy, while the passengers alertly rescue themselves. "You mean the plane won't do that?" I ask. "Listen," one of them says. "This plane floats about as well as a boat flies." Finally, days later, we take off. The pilot is talking on the intercom. "Folks," he is saying, "on behalf of your entire flight crew, let me just say that I am setting fire to my hair." I hope the beverage cart gets here soon. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Bubba is bragging to the bartender, "My dog Butch is the toughest dog ever born. He once took on four pit bulls and they didn't put a scratch on him. There's not a dog alive that can touch my Butch." Just then, a meek looking man comes into the bar, taps Bubba on the shoulder, and says, "Excuse me, sir, but I think I owe you an apology. My dog just killed your Butch." Bubba can't believe it. "That's impossible, how could your dog kill my Butch? What kind of dog is it?" "A Chihuahua," answers the timid man. "You're putting me on," says Bubba. "How could a tiny Chihuahua kill Butch?" "He got stuck in his throat!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Alcoholics' Anthem Tune: "Men of Harlech" From: Christchurch [N.Z.] University Revue What's the use of drinking tea Indulging in sobriety And tee-total per-ver-sity It's healthier to booze. What's the use of milk and water, These are drinks that never oughter Be allowed in any quarter; Come on, lose your blues. Mix yourself a Shandy! Drown yourself in Brandy! Sherry sweet, Or Whisky neat, Or any kind of liquor that is handy. There's no blinking sense in drinking Anything that doesn't make you stinking! There's no happiness like sinking Blotto to the Floor! Put an end to all Frustration, Drinking may be your Salvation, End it all in dissipation Rotten to the core! Aberrations metabolic, Ceilings that are hyberbolic, These are for the Alcoholic Lying on the Floor! Vodka for the Arty, Gin to make you Hearty, Lemonade was only made For drinking if your mother's at the Party. Steer clear of home-made beer, And anything that isn't labelled clear, There is nothing else to fear Bottoms up - My Boys. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Listen people, I'm tellin' ya, this is TRUE. I befriended a foreign exchange student from Croatia last year and he came to visit me....when he went back, he started sending me post cards to keep in touch. This is the first one: Baah, Jennifer! how ore you? Me good, hoving fun, wanna come? Well, I hope this gets to you before you leave to Cyprus. We have many goats. They are nice. They talk to me. Goats lie often, though. But one learns when to trust them. Anyways, I shall come back in August. Are you going to pick me up at the airport or are you going to make me hitch a ride with those hairy men who drive trucks? Warm hearts from Edi Grgeta (bahh) ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ -------------------------------------- BUGS. DON'T LIVE IN IGNORANCE. -------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. Why Are You Being Sent This Message? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This message is being sent to every software house in the country. It is about BUGS. And everyone needs to know the facts. It explains what BUGS are, how they spread, how serious the threat may be, and how they can be avoided. Because it has to deal with matters of software and hardware, you may find some of the information disturbing. But please make sure that everyone who needs this advice reads this message. The more people who know about BUGS the less likely they are to spread. So, if you employ programmers, think carefully about what they need to know. Whether or not you approve, many programmers do write programs, and some may experiment with assembler. Even if you think your programmer's don't act in this way, they will still need advice because they may have friends who encourage them to. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 2. Why Should You Be Concerned About BUGS? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Any computer user can suffer from BUGS, depending on their behaviour. It is not just a hacker's problem. There is no cure and they can cause crashes. By the time you have read this, probably 3000 computers will have crashed in this country. It is believed that a further 400,000 carry BUGS. This number is rising and will continue to rise unless we all take precautions. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 3. What Are BUGS? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- BUGS are caused by logical errors. These can attack a program's validation routines which normally help fight off bad input and corruption. And if this happens then programs can develop BUGS. They become unreliable and crash from errors that cannot be detected. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 4. How Do Programs Become Infected? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Because errors can be present in specifications and designs, this means that for most programmers the only danger comes through using a faulty design. This applies to both top-down and bottom-up design. (It is believed that other forms of design are also risky, such as SSADM, particularly if specifications are taken at face value.) So the errors can be passed from design to design, design to program, and back again from program to design. For those who use assembler there is an added risk from sharing software interrupts or device printers on a time-sharing basis. Furthermore, sub-tasks spawned from infected programs have a high risk of inheriting BUGS. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 5. How Can You Protect Yourself From BUGS? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (a) Most programs which have errors don't even show it. They may look and behave completely normally. So you cannot tell which ones are infected and which ones are not. To protect yourself, follow these simple guidelines; (i) The more programs you write, particularly assembler programs, the more chance you have of encountering one which is infected. It is safest to stick to one program. FEWER PROGRAMS, LESS RISK (ii) Unless you are sure of a program, always use a debugger. This will reduce the risk of encountering BUGS. USE DEBUGGERS FOR SAFER PROGRAMMING. (iii) It is always best to use a source-level debugger. Low-level debuggers can reduce this protection. Ask your team-leader for advice. Anyone who uses assembler programs should not use software interrupts. If you do, never share interrupts (or device handlers, floppies, etc) as you could be introducing BUGS directly into your program. DON'T USE SOFTWARE INTERRUPTS. NEVER SHARE. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 6. What Should You Do If You Think Your Program Has Been Infected? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you think your program has been infected, go to your course leader for advice about having a test. Or go directly to your personal tutor for private and confidential advice and a test if you wish. If your program does have errors, they'll let you know and give you help and support. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 7. What About The Resident Software? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It is not safe to use comms packages, Armstrad applications or on-line dictionaries unless you know they are bug free and have been rigorously tested. Nor is it safe to share a routine or include a file in a program which has been infected. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 8. What Can't You Get BUGS From? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The government's clear advice for the software industry is that you CANNOT get BUGS from normal use of an infected program. Neither can you get them >from reading listings. Nor is there any record of a program becoming infected through sharing comments. There is no danger in sharing floppies or micro- drives. Nor can anyone become infected through using network drives or line printers. When integrating software, standard precautions should be taken to protect programmers, users and applications. Exporting routines are safe: all the declarations are used only once. All routines used for library builds should be thoroughly checked. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 9. How Safe Is It In Other Countries? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- BUGS exist throughout the world and throughout the computer industry. In certain companies a large number of programs are believed to have BUGS. So it is even more essential to follow the advice given in this message, particularly if you should visit another company. Otherwise, if you do some work on an unfamiliar program, you may inadvertantly affect your regular work when you return. Furthermore, in some companies, public routines are not checked for BUGS. In those places where errors are widespread you should not, if you can possibly avoid it, use routines from a contract programmer. In certain start-up companies, routines may not be properly debugged. If you can, avoid using interrupt repairs or patches. If you are in any doubt about these points then discuss them with your course leader. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 10. Do You Need More Information? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The true picture about BUGS is that, at the moment, relatively few programs are infected with proper full-blown BUGS. Those most at risk are assembler programs which have common code with other assembler programs, programs which share software interrupts, and users of these programs. But BUGS is spreading. And as it does, so the risk of sharing an infected routine also increases. Ultimately, defence against BUGS depends on us all taking responsibility for our own logical and programming actions. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The priest at Sunday mass noticed that Michael took a ten- dollar bill and two one-dollar bills from the collection plate, instead of putting something in. He thought to himself, "I'd better keep an eye on Michael." The next week he noticed the same thing. So he waited outside the church when mass was over, and as Michael came out, he accosted him and said, "Michael, my lad, tell me, why did you take out a ten-dollar bill and two one-dollar bills two weeks in a row, instead of putting money into the collection?" Michael replied, "Father, I'm embarrassed, but I did it because I needed a blow job." The priest looked surprised but said to Michael, "Listen, don't do that any more. I'll be watching you from now on." When he got back to the rectory, the priest was still perplexed. Finally he decided to call Mother Agatha at the convent. He said, "Mother, you've been such a good friend of mine, I have a question for you. What is a blow job?" Mother Agatha replied, "Oh, about twelve dollars." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Four corporate presidents, one English, one French, one Japanese and one American, were on their way to an international business conference when they were kidnaped by terrorists and taken to a secret hideout. "You, you compaines and you countries are enemies of the Revolution," screamed the terrorist leader, "and you're going to be executed! Do you have any last requests?" The Englishman spoke first. "Before I die, I want to honor my contry and protest this barbaric act by singing "God Save The Queen" to all you men." That can be arranged," said the terrorist. The Frenchman said, "And I want to honor MY country before I die by singing "The Marseilles" to your men." The Japanese said, "Before I die, I wish to honor MY country by giving the lecture I was going to present on the Japanese style of industrial management." The terrorist turned finally to the American. "What is YOUR last request?" The American replied, "I want you to kill me right now so I don't have to listen to another lecture on the Japanese style of industrial management!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ There were four men walking through the desert. One was an Hispanic, one was Japanese, one was African American and one was a WASP. Well, as they are walking along, sweating and cursing the heat, one of them stumbles over something. He picks it up and it is a magic lamp. He rubs it, and a genie promptly materializes. "Because you have freed me," says the gtenie, "i will grant you each a wish". He turns to the first guy, the Hispanic. "What would you like?" says the genie. " I would like for myself and all Hispanics to live in harmony in our own unified country, where we will never have to deal with abigots again." "excellent wish!" says the geie. "Granted!' And the hispanic disappears. "You next," syas the genie, turning to the Japanese fellow. "I wish for all the Japanese to make Japan as wealthy and productive as America, and to live there in harmony and never see another racist again." "Great wish," says the Genie, and grants it. The Japanese man disappears. "And you?" says the Genie, turning to the African American. "I wish that all my people were living in Africa in harmony and would never have to see another racist again." syas the man. "Great wish!" says the Genie, flicks his fingers. The man disappears. "and, finally you," says the Genie, turning to the WASP "Let me get this straight," says the WASP. "All the hispanics are in their own country, all the japanese are in japan, and all the blacks are in Africa?" "yes," says the Genie. "In that case, I"ll have a diet coke." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ This is part one of a series of "top ten lists" of politically incorrect topics. Please do not feel offended by it if today's issue is against a group YOU happen to be part of. That's purely coincidental. Tomorrow we'll be attacking someone else... WHY MEN ARE SUPERIOR: 1. They can go to the toilet standing up without getting their shoes wet 2. They're much better at lighting their own farts 3. They can belch the national anthem 4. They can identify 38 brands of beer just by the color of the vomit 5. They're better at fighting 6. They can go for several months on end without doing a domestic chore 7. They're more likely to have been a bully at school 8. They can spit further 9. They are far better at picking up chicks 10. They are better at making this kind of list... WHY THE MAFIA IS A GOOD ORGANIZATION TO WORK FOR: 1. There aren't many multi-natural organizations with openings in extortion, harassment, drug smuggling, counterfeiting, prostitution or murder 2. Most job forms ask you how many years of school you attended, but how many hammer fights you attended 3. In most businesses you have to wait until you boss retires before promotion, in the Maffia all you have to do is wait until someone cuts his throat in a barber's chair 4. Most companies' expansion plans are boring and involve steady growth through sound financial management, not "whacking those muthafu**ers on the East Side" 5. Their Headquarters are somewhere fun like Las Vegas rather than Slough Industrial Estate or Telford Business District 6. You'll never be demoted, just shot in the back of the head 7. Hitting people in the balls with a baseball bat is frowned upon in the world of quantity surveying, whereas in the Mafia you get paid overtime for it 8. You don't underbid the competiton, you cut them up 9. Rather than suffering from whimpy occupational hazards such as Repetitive Strain Injury, you'll have macho complaints like exit wounds 10. It's a more honorable occupation than being a lawyer ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Robin Givens has announced that she is filing for divorce From heavyweight boxing champ Mike Tyson. Said the actress, "Our marriage was like a PG-13 movie: Too much violence and not enough sex." Tyson apparently agrees, as he is filing for an annulment. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Unofficial APPLE ][ Brainwash Test Have you been brainwashed by your past experience as an Apple ][ hacker? Here is a test you can take to find out. 1. What is /r$ ? a) "slash r string" b) "slash r dollar sign" c) a subdirectory of the root directory d) Rich Salz 2. Do people wonder why you keep using "Applesoft" as a synonym for BASIC? 3. Do you despise assemblers, prefering instead to code your programs byte by byte in machine language with a debugger? 4. Do you only use three registers when programming because "if A, X, and Y are good enough for the 6502, then by golly they're good enough for me"? 5. Do you still have floppies that have write-protect holes on both sides, but are labeled "single sided"? 6. Are you uncomfortable with the words "interrupt," "timer," or "multitasking"? 7. Do you have "Beneath Apple DOS"? 8. Do you wonder why any Gentleman would need more than 64K? 9. Are you distrustful of lowercase? 10. Do you have "alias CATALOG ls" in you .login? 11. Do you despise anything that is not overtly user-hostile? 12. Wonder why & doesn't do the same thing in UNIX? 13. Think ^D in UNIX is a DOS command? ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Three questions to ask an alien before having sex: (1) Are you carrying any diseases which might be communicable to humans? (2) Have you had sex with any high-risk partners in the past six months? (3) Which one is your mouth? ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Heard in the office... She: Would you like to see my new dress? He: I'd like nothing better. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ENDANGERED SPECIES: A fringe political party in Britain, the Monster Raving Loony Party, has been at least temporarily saved from bankruptcy by a bookie who didn't want to see the party go under. He said that the party's leader, known as Screaming Lord Sutch, "has given an awful lot of people a great deal of entertainment. It would be a shame to lose him." Sutch has run in -- and lost -- every parliamentary election since 1963. (Reuter) ...The Brits are so unlike Americans. When raving loonies run for office here, we elect them. PUMPING IRON: Debra DiCenso was arrested for trespassing because she refused to leave the men's side of the weight lifting room at a Boston gym. She argued that the weights on the women's side were not heavy enough -- she can do curls with 65 pounds and leg presses with 600. The gym was segregated because women there didn't like to work out in front of men. "It's my constitutional right to work out with weights I can lift," she says. DiCenso, 29, is studying to be a lawyer. (AP) ...You haven't taken the constitutional law class yet, have you Debra? TALL TAIL: Peter Croke was playing golf in Porthcawl, Wales, when his tee shot on the 17th ended up wedged under the tail of a sheep that was grazing near the fairway. "The sheep looked mildly surprised by the whole thing, but we were in hysterics," Croke said. The ball still wedged in, the sheep meandered 30 yards closer to the hole, "then seemed to shake the ball free, like [it was] laying an egg," he said. Croke won the match. (Reuter) ...That was a woolly good shot, Pete. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the frist day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Commuting for the beginner. In this hurly-burly world of Inter-City travel, there are few things that warm a worker's heart more than the prospect of commuting. It is a safe bet to place that at some time during your working lives, you will all have to commute (in fact, the mathematicians amongst you will have been doing this already for some time). Commuting in its very simplest essence is a journey from home to work, and back again. This simple description, however, does not convey the full joy that can be had from commuting. A typical enjoyable commuting day (and it can take a whole day just to commute) may begin as follows: 6.30am Wake up. Actually, this is totally wrong, because at that time, you're not capable of waking up. What a pity somebody didn't tell your alarm clock this! All that you are physically capable of doing is hitting the snooze button. 7.05am This is the time when you typically find that it wasn't the snooze button that you hit, but that tiny little switch that turns the alarm mechanism off. Well, I say this is the time that you find it, but in fact it's just the time that your alarm clock tells you. What you find out when you switch the radio on, is that there was a power cut for half an hour, and the time is now 7.30am The time in the morning when the bed-clothes ricochet off one wall of the room, and lie crumpled in a heap daring you to waste enough time to make the bed before you go out. Also the time when you discover you don't have enough co-ordination to open your bedroom door, nor can you remember whether said door pushes or pulls. Immediately you work this out, it is 7.40am Having spent ten minutes trying to wrestle the door back onto its hinges, you achieve terminal velocity trying to come to terms with stairs. Quite probably you would have broken your neck, if the ground hadn't broken your fall. You lie dazed and stunned outside the shower, next to the toilet. It is at this time that you make the first decision of your working day - which to enter first. You know that should you enter the shower first, you will spend most of your time knotting your legs as the running water cascades off your body, already full of liquid from the night before. So, you choose the loo. Again, this is a bad move, as you discover when it's 7.45am You enter the shower, set it to the required temperature. Immediately you turn the water on, scalding hot needles pierce the thin fabric of your skin. Obviously you have set the shower too hot. It is now time to play the thermodynamic equilibrium game. Can you balance the hot/cold settings of the shower, playing against the combined enemies of the cistern refilling, the dishwasher hot-rinsing, and the kettle being filled? Bear in mind also that the water takes some eight to ten seconds to register the changes you have made at the taps. It is like trying to juggle three red hot pokers with both hands tied behind your back, and your jaws wired together. Finally, after your refreshing shower, it's 7.55am and time for that most invigorating of activities - the early morning shave. Firstly, don't give in to that temptation to shave your tongue - it may feel as though it's covered in more dense fur than the whole of David Bellamy, but just wait till you clean your teeth! (when it'll feel as though your tongue is a cross between King Kong and a Wrigley's chewing gum factory). Having decided that it's the external part of the face you're going to shave, you choose your weapon. Five minutes later, staggering from loss of blood, a female voice comes through the door asking if it was alright to use your last razor the previous night. And finally, the after-shave. Breathe in, grit your teeth, and throw a quarter of the bottle in the vague direction of your chin. Done? Good, now let go of the light fitting, and exit the bathroom. 8.10am And you finally realise that you're going to be far too late for the train. Unless you miss breakfast. But your stomach and brain haven't got this one sorted out yet. You try for the compromise, and it is five minutes later that we find you sat on the bus, looking for all the world like an advert for Kellogg's Crunchy Nuts. 8.20am Says the platform clock, although the trains seem to be disagreeing. A voice comes over the tannoy, and the clarity amazes you - you can hear every word the announcer says. Hear, yes - understand, no. What it sounds like he is saying is "The train now stoning at platten fumf is for Lun Woo. Caw at Beran, Renpa, Newman, Women, Early, Clam Jun, Vall, and Lun Walloon.", and all spoken with clarity of a Dalek sucking a throat pastille. This announcement would be fine and dandy if it weren't for the computerised tannoy man immediately following this announcement. According to him, "The train now at platform one is for London Waterloo only. We apologise for the delay which was caused by a squirrel waving to the driver just outside Hampton Court." Even the excuses are randomised by British Rail's computers nowadays. As the train pulls up to the platform, it's time for the first two favourite commuting games! 1) Is it my train? Tricky one this - the best way of finding out is to play logic games with the guard, along the lines of "If I asked the other guard, would he say this was the train I don't want to get on?" However, the only blue-suited demons around are up the other end of the track, trying to stop some old lady from feeding the trains with breadcrumbs. Seasoned commuters at this point look around them to see the reaction of everyone else. If you see someone moving that you think you recognise, but can never remember being introduced to them, it's probably because they catch the same train as you. Follow them. 2) Where will my carriage stop? Well, that all depends on what type of train it is, how good the driver's reactions are, whether he's passed his cycling proficiency test or not, and how shocked he was by the squirrel outside Hampton Court. Suffice it to say that what stops opposite you will be one of the following three things: a) the guard's van. The guard values his privacy and is unlikely to let you on. b) the first class compartment. Unless you own your own company (and preferably British Rail at that), you can forget being allowed in here. It has stricter entry requirements than Eton - you have to put your name down for a seat before you're conceived, and you have to do that in person. c) the smoking compartment. 'Nuff said. So, it's that old favourite, running up the track to find the only non-smoking compartment with a seat in it, only to find that it's covered in some clean, bright, new chewing gum. It is at this point that fun enters into the entire proceedings, as we play the third game. 3) Stare 'em out. This game has its roots in primitive psychology, and is designed to put you completely at ease, while the rest of the compartment decide that you're some kind of dangerous lunatic. Choose a person at random - preferably a very attractive member of the opposite sex, as it makes what you're about to do so much easier. Now stare at them. After a very short while indeed, you will find them trying to sneak surreptitious glances at you to check whether you're still watching them. Each time they look up at you, smile at them as though you've just noticed that they have a traffic cone on their head, but you're being too polite to mention it. If you ever wanted to know what a person with accute paranoia looks like, just keep watching. Finally, before you know it, you're making an unscheduled stop. Sirens are blaring, and somebody somewhere is frantically thumping on a door. This doesn't mean anyone wants to get out - these are the guys with the stretcher who want to get in. Unfortunately, the man with the heart-attack is in first-class, who aren't going to let the ambulance men in until they can be taught to say please properly. Eventually, you arrive at Lun Walloon, and you start to play the fourth game, commonly known as 4) Running the gauntlet. As you exit the platform, various people in different costumes walk straight towards you. The less well equipped are simply holding their hands out and asking for the price of a cup of meths. Those who have been in this game for several years are wearing a 'Save the Atlantic Anteater >from the Ozone Hole and Melanoma Campaign' sweatshirt, are large enough that the print on the sweatshirt is readable, and shake their dreaded receptacles in your face. Reluctantly you realise that you are cornered, and you reach for your money. Along with your handkerchief, you pull out half the Brazilian national debt, which seems to fall straight for the open mouth of the plastic anteater the woman is carrying, and you have lost a large proportion of your overdraft. Finally feeling that you have done some good for the other oppressed animals of the world, you pass down into the bowels of the earth, ready for the magical mystery tour of some of London's oldest sewers - the Underground. The new ticket barriers are wonderful devices, designed to take a piece of card imprinted with a magnetic strip, and to shred it into a million and one brightly coloured little pieces, while shrieking violently and persuading you to seek assistance. You persuade the blue-suited goon that the confetti floating down the escalators cost you two hundred pounds, and would normally accompany the photograph that makes you out to be some kind of alien road accident. At last you hit the down escalator. It is at this point that the full horror of what you drank the previous night hits you - you realise what Maurits Escher felt when he etched those woodcuts of stairs in all feasible directions. Your mind tells you that you're standing upright, and travelling downwards, but the liquid still sloshing around the inside of your head convinces you that you are lying backwards (despite gravity to the contrary), and that the escalator is travelling at right angles to reality. Just before you fall over, the escalator reaches the bottom, and the grills that prevent you from rolling back round with the steps lacerate the toe of each shoe. Once again we play the merry little game of "Where are the doors going to stop", only on a much smaller scale, since there are no guards, no first-class, and no smoking. This should make the tube a more hospitable place, but instead you have to try and find the only compartment without a seven foot-tall psychedelic gorilla with a walkman at full volume. Finally seated, the doors close, and another crystal clear announcement rings through the train. "Due to industrial action by the man that spreads the fag-ends around the station, this train will not be stopping at your station. Repeat, this train will not be stopping at your station. Thank you." Thank you for what, that's what I'd like to know. The train pulls out, and as you approach your station the train begins to slow down. This is of little surprise to you, since it is you and a select band of people who also want to get off here that have hijacked the train. Your ticket is inspected, the lifts don't work, and you have to climb one hundred and seventeen dangerously narrow steps, and the one thought that keeps you going is this: "Only another eight hours till I have to go the other way." [The author is a computer programmer who spends much of his 'working' day commuting between Surbiton and the Elephant and Castle district of London. Of the many sights along his route are: Beran --------- Berrylands Renpa --------- Raynes Park Newman -------- New Malden Women --------- Wimbledon Early --------- Earlsfield Clam Jun ------ Clapham Junction Vall ---------- Vauxhall Lun Walloon --- London Waterloo ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ "... my landlady insists on speaking german to me at every opportunity. Having 6 year old kids come up to you and say "ggbbdbffbtttllgghhx lldfggbhjk ffbgglskxksii??" (that's what it sounds like to american ears) is somewhat humbling. A typical conversation (such as the one I had this morning at the train station) between myself and Johann Schmidt (John Smith) goes something like this: JS = random german person with sudden need to talk to confused looking american person sitting on station platform.. CA = Confused American (me) [ xxx ] = portion of german actually understood by CA JS: "ggdbffhbbl shdaxjla [ train ] mfflufftagglt [ what] flkiftag?" CA: (startled) "Huh?" JS: "flafguhg ylakfoo pwit?" CA: "Uh. Um. Ich spreche .. um. kein deutch." (I don't speak german) JS: "fllggaift? Nicht? maflufa gggg pwomp sneerg?" CA: (more slowly) "Uh. Meine deutch is nicht gut!" (My german is not good!) JS: "Ah! maflufhag fwafahwafa [american] ggglikahst gnug [german] fggg." CA: "Yeah. What you said." JS: "llaflufa gag pwit narg foof! Gewacka wacka!" CA: "You need change? A light? Directions? Some nuclear waste?" (pulls change from pocket and gestures at it, in hopes that it is the first). "Things usually proceed in this fashion until I end up staring at my feet hoping that god will make this person go away soon. JS generally gets bored at this point and asks someone else whatever was being asked." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Question: What is the difference between a bull-dyke and a whale? Answer: 50 pounds and a flannel shirt! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Freud on Seuss a book review by Josh LeBeau (copied from the Koala, UCSD's humour newspaper, which has no copyright notices in it anywhere) _The Cat in the Hat_ by Dr. Seuss, 61 pages. Beginner Books, $3.95 The Cat in the Hat is a hard-hitting novel of prose and poetry in which the author re-examines the dynamic rhyming schemes and bold imagery of some of his earlier works, most notably _Green Eggs and Ham_, _If I Ran the Zoo_, and _Why Can't I Shower With Mommy?_ In this novel, Theodore Geisel, writing under the pseudonym Dr. Seuss, pays homage to the great Dr. Sigmund Freud in a nightmarish fantasy of a renegade feline helping two young children understand their own frustrated sexuality. The story opens with two youngsters, a brother and a sister, abandoned by their mother, staring mournfully through the window of their single-family dwelling. In the foreground, a large tree/phallic symbol dances wildly in the wind, taunting the children and encouraging them to succumb to the sexual yearnings they undoubtedly feel for each other. Even to the most unlearned reader, the blatant references to the incestuous relationship the two share set the tone for Seuss' probing examination of the satisfaction of primitive needs. The Cat proceeds to charm the wary youths into engaging in what he so innocently refers to as "tricks." At this point, the fish, an obvious Christ figure who represents the prevailing Christian morality, attempts to warn the children, and thus, in effect, warns all of humanity of the dangers associated with the unleashing of the primal urges. In response to this, the cat proceeds to balance the aquatic naysayer on the end of his umbrella, essentially saying, "Down with morality; down with God!" After poohpoohing the righteous rantings of the waterlogged Christ figure, the Cat begins to juggle several icons of Western culture, most notably two books, representing the Old and New Testaments, and a saucer of lactal fluid, an ironic reference to maternal loss the two children experienced when their mother abandoned them "for the afternoon." Our heroic Id adds to this bold gesture a rake and a toy man, and thus completes the Oedipal triangle. Later in the novel, Seuss introduces the proverbial Pandora's box, a large red crate out of which the Id releases Thing One, or Freud's concept of Ego, the division of the psyche that serves as the conscious mediator between the person and reality, and Thing Two, the Superego which functions to reward and punish through a system of moral attitudes, conscience, and guilt. Referring to this box, the Cat says, "Now look at this trick. Take a look!" In this, Dr. Seuss uses the children as a brilliant metaphor for the reader, and asks the reader to re-examine his own inner self. The children, unable to control the Id, Ego, and Superego allow these creatures to run free and mess up the house, or more symbolically, control their lives. This rampage continues until the fish, or Christ symbol, warns that the mother is returning to reinstate the Oedipal triangle that existed before her abandonment of the children. At this point, Seuss introduces a many-armed cleaning device which represents the psychoanalytic couch, which proceeds to put the two youngsters' lives back in order. With powerful simplicity, clarity, and drama, Seuss reduces Freud's concepts on the dynamics of the human psyche to an easily understood gesture. Mr. Seuss' poetry and choice of words is equally impressive and serves as a splendid counterpart to his bold symbolism. In all, his writing style is quick and fluid, making _The Cat in the Hat_ impossible to put down. While this novel is 61 pages in length, and one can read it in five minutes or less, it is not until after multiple readings that the genius of this modern day master becomes apparent. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Comrade Popov was taking trips to various cities. From Warsaw he sent back a postcard: Greeting from Free Warsaw. From Czechoslovakia on the next trip he wrote: Greeting from Free Prague. He traveled on to Bulgaria and wrote back: Greetings from Free Sofia; and then to Hungary, writing a card back: Greetings from Free Budapest. Finally he reached Vienna and wrote his last card: Greetings from Free Popov. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A great Soviet general was once asked by his adjutant, "Comrade General, what is the meaning of Marxist dialectic?" The general replied, "I will explain it to you with an example. A filthy man is standing outside a bath house. Will he go in?" "Of course," replied the adjutant. "No, you're wrong," said the general. "A filthy man is filthy by his nature, and will not go in to the bath house. Only clean men, knowing the virtues of cleanliness, will bathe." "I understand, comrade general." "Now, let me give you another example. A filthy man is standing outside a bath house. Will he go in?" "Absolutely not," replied the adjutant immediately. "You're wrong again," said the general. "Why should a filthy man not enter a bath house? He is dirty, the bath house is there to enable him to become clean, and he will use it." "I think I understand, comrade." "Now, one last example. A filthy man is standing outside a bath house. Will he go in?" "How the hell should I know?" "Now, comrade, you truly understand the meaning of Marxist dialectic." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ How Many Generic Chickens Can You Fit Into a Generic Pontiac? A while back, someone asked how many generic chickens would fit into a generic Pontiac. This question has been on my mind recently, so I decided to work out this problem, for the benefit of all humanity. I. It has been proven succesfully that chickens have a definite wave-like nature. In reproducing Thomas Young's famous double-slit experiment of 1801, Sir Kenneth Harbour-Thomas showed that chickens not only diffract, but produce interference patterns as well. (This experiment is fully documented in Sir Kenneth's famous treatise "Tossing Chickens Through Various Apertures in Modern Architecture", 1897) II. It is also known, as any farmhand can tell you, that whereas if one chicken is placed in an enclosed space, it will be impossible to pinpoint the exact location of the chicken at any given time t. This was summarized by Helmut Heisenberg (Werner's younger brother) in the equation: d(chicken) * dt >= b (where b is the barnyard constant; 5.2 x10^(-14) domestic fowl * seconds) III. Whatever our results, they must be consistant with the fundamentals of physics, so energy, momentum, and charge must all be conserved. A. Chickens (fortunately) do not carry electric charge. This was discovered by Benjamin Franklin, after repeated experiments with chickens, kites, and thunderstorms. B. The total energy of a chicken is given by the equation: E = K + V Where V is the potential energy of the chicken, and K is the kinetic energy of the chicken, given by (.5)mv^2 or (p^2) / (2m). C. Since chickens have an associated wavelength, w, we know that the momentum of a free-chicken (that is, a chicken not enclosed in any sort of Pontiac) is given by: p = b / w. IV. With this in mind, it is possible to come up with a wave equation for the potential energy of a generic chicken. (A wave equation will allow us to calculate the probability of finding any number of chickens in automobiles.) The wave equation for a non-relativistic, time-independant chicken in a one- dimensional Pontiac is given by: [V * P] - [[(b^2) / (2m)] * D^2(P)] = E * P P is the wave function, and D^2(P) is its second derivative. The wave equation can be used to prove that chickens are in fact quantized, and that by using the Perdue Exclusion formula we know that no two chickens in any Pontiac can have the same set of quantum numbers. V. The probability of finding a chicken in the Pontiac is simply the integral of P * P * dChicken from 0 to x, where x = the length of the Pontiac. Since each chicken will have its own set of quantum numbers (when examining the case of the three-dimensional Pontiac) different wave functions can be derived for each set of quantum numbers. It is important to note that we now know that there is no such thing as a generic chicken. Each chicken influences the position and velocity of every other chicken inside the Pontiac, and each chicken must be treated individually. It has been theorized that chickens do in fact have an intrinsic angular momentum, yet no experiment has been yet conducted to prove this, as chickens tend to move away from someone trying to spin them. Curious sidenote: Whenever possible, any attempt to integrate a chicken should be done by parts, as most people will tend to want the legs (dark meat), which can lead to innumerable family conflicts which are best avoided if at all possible. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ MICROCOMPUTER MANIA--A New Mental Disorder???? By Steven Starker, PH.D. The american psychiatric association recently updated its listing of diagnostic categories with the intention that every form of mental and emotional illness be described. In the short time since its revision and publication, however, a new form of insanity has appeared in this country that threatens to reach epidemic proportions in a few years. It is therefore necessary to propose an addendum to the official A.P.A. diagnostic categories, namely, a disease entity that I call "MICROCOMPUTER MANIA." the onset, symptomatology, and typical progress are presented here as a first step toward coping with this insidious threat to the contemporary psyche. AGE OF ONSET: The illness can strike at almost any age but seems especially prevalent among adults ages 18 to 50. There have been occasional case reports of very early onset (ages 5 or 6), however, and outbreaks among teenagers are not uncommon. EARLY INDICATIONS: There are a few early warning signs by which a concerned family member or health professional may recognize the incipient stage of the illness. COMPULSIVE MAGAZINE BUYING: The unfortunate individual experiences an irresistible urge to buy magazines, spends hours poring over them, and rapidly amasses a huge collection. Each issue has something to do with computers, ranging from the "hard-core" computer technology magazines through "soft-core" electronics publications. At the extreme, any magazine bearing a picture of a computer terminal on its cover or the word computer in one of its articles is immediately acquired. CRUISING: There is a profound compulsion to locate and repeatedly visit every available store selling microcomputer equipment. these "cruisers" become well known to shop owners and sales people, some of whom are unscrupulous enough to prey on them by attempting to sell them all manner of computer goods. At the extreme are those individuals who will even cruise electronics supply stores or stereo shops in order to be near some integrated circuit chips. (particularly bad cases may be found loitering about electronic cash registers, typewriters, and computerized banking machines.) DETERIORATION OF VOCABULARY: Peculiar verbalizations begin to compete with normal, healthy speech. Words having oral connotations, such as "apple", "byte", and "nibble", are uttered along with more obvious gibberish like "DOS, ROM, RAM." The individual seems little involved in social conversation unti l the topic of microcomputers is mentioned,whereupon an intense, exicted state of consciousness is elicited along with a rapid flow of peculiar verbalizations. CRISIS: Thus far we have identified the three warning signs that alert us to incipient microcomputer mania. The crisis that may follow is even more dramatic. EXTREME RATIONALIZATION: An elaborate series of rationalizations develops around a common theme -- the absolute necessity of owning a microcomputer. Unlike schizophrenic hallucinations, these ideas are not perceived as "voices" or intrusive commands, but are experiences as truly logical thought. Rationalizations commonly revolve around notions of self- improvement, education, and efficiency. Content is relatively unimportant to the diagnosis, however, as the victims of the disorder may be endlessly creative in their rationalizations. The key issue is the "absolute rightness" of owning a computer. EXCITED SPENDING: This is the "manic" phase of the disorder in which all self-control is abandoned and large sums of money are spent on all manner of microcomputer equipment. A previously competent, rational individual may withdraw thousands of dollars from savings to purchase a vast array of "hardware" and "software" THE SYNDROME: Following the acute manic phase, the full syndrome becomes manifest. SOCIAL WITHDRAWAL: As with most serious forms of mental disturbance, the individual becomes increasingly withdrawn, losing interest in work, food, sex, family, and so forth. He or she may be found in a fixed (or frozen) position before the computer monitor at any time of the day or night. The catatonic- like pose is broken only by occasional rapid-finger movements (RFM) over the microcomputer keyboard. persistent RFM may,in fact, be the only signs of consciousness except for occasional grunts of satisfaction or groan of frustration. SLEEP DISTURBANCE: The individual is increasingly unwilling and unable to go the bed, preferring to remain in position at the computer. In milder cases, victims are eventually led away from their computer s by a concerned family member; in more severe cases the individual is commonly found slumped in a chair the following morning with the computer equipment still running. Even when asleep, RFM may still be noted by the careful observer. PHYSICAL DETERIORATION: First to appear are strains of the musculature, particularly the neck and lower back. Eyestrain is common, along with a hollow vacant look. Lack of sufficient food, exercise, and sleep all interact, contributing to the general deterioration. MARITAL DIFFICULTIES: Withdrawal into the world of microcomputers inevitably leads to a decrement in communications among family members. This problem is rarely noticed by the victim of the disorder, but is bitterly described by the unafflicted spouse. In families where both husband and wife are afflicted, vicious fights over access to computer time are not uncommon. When the children are additionally infected, the situation becomes completely unmanageable and leads to regressions to the manic phase (that is, further microcomputer purchases "for the kids"). SYSTEMIC PROGRESSION: Not too long after onset of the illness the individual experiences an irresistible need for additional, or peripheral devices (printer, disk drive, and so forth) in order to expand into a full microcomputer system. Huge sums of money are periodically spent in efforts to satisfy this need. no more than two months after any particular purchase however, a subsequent acquisition begins to appear essential. SEPARATION ANXIETY: The individual experiences a growing dread of being separated from the microcomputer. He or she may attempt to install a system at work to complement one at home (or vice versa). When persuaded by family members to take a vacation, the victim packs the computer first. At the extreme, individuals have been known to purchase pocket-siz e portable microcomputers and to carry them around at all times. ETIOLOGY: To date, little is known about the causes of microcomputer mania. observations show it to be highly contagious, leading some medical investigators to speculate that a new strain of virus is involved. Others have suggested some genetic defect. Still others believe that a virile agent interacting with an existing genetic predisposition provides the best explanation. Experimental psychologist are attempting to explain the disorder in terms of learned behavior patterns, while psychoanalysts are speaking of early psychos dual fixations. TREATMENT: No effective treatment has been found. It is particulary unfortunate that many of the scientists needed to research this disorder have themselves fallen victim to it. Clearly, there is an urgent need for more research into this major public health problem. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ THE COCKNEY ALPHABET A for 'Orses ('ay for 'orses) B for Mutton (Beef or Mutton) C for Miles (see for miles) D for Ential (Differential) E for Brick ('Eave a Brick) F for Vessence (Effervescence) G for Get It (Gee, forget it!) H for Bless You (Aitsshfa! A sneeze) I for The Engine (Ivor the Engine) J for Oranges (Jaffa Oranges) K for Restaurant (Cafe or Restaurant) L for Leather ('Ell for Leather) M for Sis (Emphasis) N for Lope (Envelope) O for The Garden Wall (Over the Garden Wall) P for Relief (??) Q for a Bus (Queue for a Bus) R for Mo ('alf a Mo) S for Rantzen (Esther Rantzen) T for Two (Tea for Two) U for Me (You for Me) V for La France (Vive la France) W for the Winnings (Double you for the Winnings) X for Breakfast (Eggs for Breakfast) Y for Husband (Wife or Husband) Z for Wind (Zephyr Wind) ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ I saw this in the For Sale column of our local newspaper... ( some parts have been censored ;-) Cemetary Plot, No. XXX, C of E Section, XXXXXXXX Cemetary, $150. Phone XXX XXXX I wondered if it was used or if the seller had decided not to go after all. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ***** NEWS FLASH: MICROSOFT STILL IN THE DARK ***** Q: How many MicroSoft tech support people dies it take to change a light bulb? A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Okay. Now exactly how dark is it? Okay, there could be 4 or 5 things wrong...have you tried the light switch? Q: How many MicroSoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb? A: Eight. One to work the bulb, and seven to make sure that MicroSoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world. Q: How many MicroSoft testers does it take to change a light bulb? A: We just determine that the room is dark; we don't actually change the bulb. Since we have a dead-bulb result on file from a previous test, rest assured that Development is working on a bug fix. Q: How many MicroSoft shipping department personnel does it take to change a light bulb? A: We can change the bulb in 7 to 10 working days. If you call before 2 PM, and pay an extra $15, we can get the bulb changed overnight. Don't forget to put your name in the upper right hand corner of the light bulb box. Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. But they'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy as it would be for a Mac user. Q: How many MicroSoft managers does it take to change a light bulb? A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and to determine what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder. Q: How many MicroSoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(TM) as the new industry standard. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Q. Are there any historical precedents for the Soviet system of elections? A. Yes, in the story of the creation. God made Eve, put her in the Garden of Eden, and said to Adam: "Now choose a woman." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The Etiology & Treatment of Childhood Jordan W. Smoller University of Pennsylvania Childhood is a syndrome which has only recently begun to receive serious attention from clinicians. The syndrome itself, however, is not at all recent. As early as the 8th century, the Persian historian Kidnom made references to "short, noisy creatures," who may well have been what we now call "children." The treatment of children, however, was unknown until this century, when so-called "child psychologists" and "child psychiatrists" became common. Despite this history of clinical neglect, it has been estimated that well over half of all Americans alive today have experienced childhood directly (Suess, 1983). In fact, the actual numbers are probably much higher, since these data are based on self-reports which may be subject to social desirability biases and retrospective distortion. The growing acceptance of childhood as a distinct phenomenon is reflected in the proposed inclusion of the syndrome in the upcoming Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th edition, or DSM- IV, of the American Psychiatric Association (1990). Clinicians are still in disagreement about the significant clinical features of childhood, but the proposed DSM-IV will almost certainly include the following core features: 1. Congenital onset 2. Dwarfism 3. Emotional lability and immaturity 4. Knowledge deficits 5. Legume anorexia Clinical Features of Childhood Although the focus of this paper is on the efficacy of conventional treatment of childhood, the five clinical markers mentioned above merit further discussion for those unfamiliar with this patient population. CONGENITAL ONSET In one of the few existing literature reviews on childhood, Temple- Black (1982) has noted that childhood is almost always present at birth, although it may go undetected for years or even remain subclinical indefinitely. This observation has led some investigators to speculate on a biological contribution to childhood. As one psychologist has put it, "we may soon be in a position to distinguish organic childhood from functional childhood" (Rogers, 1979). DWARFISM This is certainly the most familiar marker of childhood. It is widely known that children are physically short relative to the population at large. Indeed, common clinical wisdom suggests that the treatment of the so-called "small child" (or "tot") is particularly difficult. These children are known to exhibit infantile behaviour and display a startling lack of insight (Tom and Jerry, 1967). EMOTIONAL LABILITY AND IMMATURITY This aspect of childhood is often the only basis for a clinician's diagnosis. As a result, many otherwise normal adults are misdiagnosed as children and must suffer the unnecessary social stigma of being labelled a "child" by professionals and friends alike. KNOWLEDGE DEFICITS While many children have IQ's with or even above the norm, almost all will manifest knowledge deficits. Anyone who has known a real child has experienced the frustration of trying to discuss any topic that requires some general knowledge. Children seem to have little knowledge about the world they live in. Politics, art, and science -- children are largely ignorant of these. Perhaps it is because of this ignorance, but the sad fact is that most children have few friends who are not, themselves, children. LEGUME ANOREXIA This last identifying feature is perhaps the most unexpected. Folk wisdom is supported by empirical observation -- children will rarely eat their vegetables (see Popeye, 1957, for review). Causes of Childhood Now that we know what it is, what can we say about the causes of childhood? Recent years have seen a flurry of theory and speculation from a number of perspectives. Some of the most prominent are reviewed below. Sociological Model Emile Durkind was perhaps the first to speculate about sociological causes of childhood. He points out two key observations about children: 1) the vast majority of children are unemployed, and 2) children represent one of the least educated segments of our society. In fact, it has been estimated that less than 20% of children have had more than fourth grade education. Clearly, children are an "out-group." Because of their intellectual handicap, children are even denied the right to vote. From the sociologist's perspective, treatment should be aimed at helping assimilate children into mainstream society. Unfortunately, some victims are so incapacitated by their childhood that they are simply not competent to work. One promising rehabilitation program (Spanky and Alfalfa, 1978) has trained victims of severe childhood to sell lemonade. Biological Model The observation that childhood is usually present from birth has led some to speculate on a biological contribution. An early investigation by Flintstone and Jetson (1939) indicated that childhood runs in families. Their survey of over 8,000 American families revealed that over half contained more than one child. Further investigation revealed that even most non-child family members had experienced childhood at some point. Cross-cultural studies (e.g., Mowgli & Din, 1950) indicate that family childhood is even more prevalent in the Far East. For example, in Indian and Chinese families, as many as three out of four family members may have childhood. Impressive evidence of a genetic component of childhood comes from a large-scale twin study by Brady and Partridge (1972). These authors studied over 106 pairs of twins, looking at concordance rates for childhood. Among identical or monozygotic twins, concordance was unusually high (0.92), i.e., when one twin was diagnosed with childhood, the other twin was almost always a child as well. Psychological Models A considerable number of psychologically-based theories of the development of childhood exist. They are too numerous to review here. Among the more familiar models are Seligman's "learned childishness" model. According to this model, individuals who are treated like children eventually give up and become children. As a counterpoint to such theories, some experts have claimed that childhood does not really exist. Szasz (1980) has called "childhood" an expedient label. In seeking conformity, we handicap those whom we find unruly or too short to deal with by labelling them "children." Treatment of Childhood Efforts to treat childhood are as old as the syndrome itself. Only in modern times, however, have humane and systematic treatment protocols been applied. In part, this increased attention to the problem may be due to the sheer number of individuals suffering from childhood. Government statistics (DHHS) reveal that there are more children alive today than at any time in our history. To paraphrase P.T. Barnum: "There's a child born every minute." The overwhelming number of children has made government intervention inevitable. The nineteenth century saw the institution of what remains the largest single program for the treatment of childhood -- so-called "public schools." Under this colossal program, individuals are placed into treatment groups based on the severity of their condition. For example, those most severely afflicted may be placed in a "kindergarten" program. Patients at this level are typically short, unruly, emotionally immature, and intellectually deficient. Given this type of individual, therapy is essentially one of patient management and of helping the child master basic skills (e.g. finger-painting). Unfortunately, the "school" system has been largely ineffective. Not only is the program a massive tax burden, but it has failed even to slow down the rising incidence of childhood. Faced with this failure and the growing epidemic of childhood, mental health professionals are devoting increasing attention to the treatment of childhood. Given a theoretical framework by Freud's landmark treatises on childhood, child psychiatrists and psychologists claimed great successes in their clinical interventions. By the 1950's, however, the clinicians' optimism had waned. Even after years of costly analysis, many victims remained children. The following case (taken from Gumbie & Poke, 1957) is typical. Billy J., age 8, was brought to treatment by his parents. Billy's affliction was painfully obvious. He stood only 4'3" high and weighed a scant 70 lbs., despite the fact that he ate voraciously. Billy presented a variety of troubling symptoms. His voice was noticeably high for a man. He displayed legume anorexia, and, according to his parents, often refused to bathe. His intellectual functioning was also below normal -- he had little general knowledge and could barely write a structured sentence. Social skills were also deficient. He often spoke inappropriately and exhibited "whining behaviour." His sexual experience was non-existent. Indeed, Billy considered women "icky." His parents reported that his condition had been present from birth, improving gradually after he was placed in a school at age 5. The diagnosis was "primary childhood." After years of painstaking treatment, Billy improved gradually. At age 11, his height and weight have increased, his social skills are broader, and he is now functional enough to hold down a "paper route." After years of this kind of frustration, startling new evidence has come to light which suggests that the prognosis in cases of childhood may not be all gloom. A critical review by Fudd (1972) noted that studies of the childhood syndrome tend to lack careful follow-up. Acting on this observation, Moe, Larrie, and Kirly (1974) began a large-scale longitudinal study. These investigators studied two groups. The first group consisted of 34 children currently engaged in a long-term conventional treatment program. The second was a group of 42 children receiving no treatment. All subjects had been diagnosed as children at least 4 years previously, with a mean duration of childhood of 6.4 years. At the end of one year, the results confirmed the clinical wisdom that childhood is a refractory disorder -- virtually all symptoms persisted and the treatment group was only slightly better off than the controls. The results, however, of a careful 10-year follow-up were startling. The investigators (Moe, Larrie, Kirly , & Shemp, 1984) assessed the original cohort on a variety of measures. General knowledge and emotional maturity were assessed with standard measures. Height was assessed by the "metric system" (see Ruler, 1923), and legume appetite by the Vegetable Appetite Test (VAT) designed by Popeye (1968). Moe et al. found that subjects improved uniformly on all measures. Indeed, in most cases, the subjects appeared to be symptom-free. Moe et al. report a spontaneous remission rate of 95%, a finding which is certain to revolutionize the clinical approach to childhood. These recent results suggests that the prognosis for victims of childhood may not be so bad as we have feared. We must not, however, become too complacent. Despite its apparently high spontaneous remission rate, childhood remains one of the most serious and rapidly growing disorders facing mental health professional today. And, beyond the psychological pain it brings, childhood has recently been linked to a number of physical disorders. Twenty years ago, Howdi, Doodi, and Beauzeau (1965) demonstrated a six-fold increased risk of chicken pox, measles, and mumps among children as compared with normal controls. Later, Barby and Kenn (1971) linked childhood to an elevated risk of accidents -- compared with normal adults, victims of childhood were much more likely to scrape their knees, lose their teeth, and fall off their bikes. Clearly, much more research is needed before we can give any real hope to the millions of victims wracked by this insidious disorder. REFERENCES American Psychiatric Association (1990). The diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, 4th edition: A preliminary report. Washington, D.C.; APA. Barby, B., & Kenn, K. (1971). The plasticity of behaviour. In B. Barby & K. Kenn (Eds.), Psychotherapies R Us. Detroit: Ronco press. Brady, C., & Partridge, S. (1972). My dads bigger than your dad. Acta Eur. Age, 9, 123-126. Flintstone, F., & Jetson, G. (1939). Cognitive mediation of labour disputes. Industrial Psychology Today, 2, 23-35. Fudd, E.J. (1972). Locus of control and shoe-size. Journal of Footwear Psychology, 78, 345-356. Gumbie, G., & Pokey, P. (1957). A cognitive theory of iron-smelting. Journal of Abnormal Metallurgy, 45, 235-239. Howdi, C., Doodi, C., & Beauzeau, C. (1965). Western civilization: A review of the literature. Reader's digest, 60, 23-25. Moe, R., Larrie, T., & Kirly, Q. (1974). State childhood vs. trait childhood. TV guide, May 12-19, 1-3. Moe, R., Larrie, T., Kirly, Q., & Shemp, C. (1984). Spontaneous remission of childhood. In W.C. Fields (Ed.), New hope for children and animals. Hollywood: Acme Press. Popeye, T.S.M. (1957). The use of spinach in extreme circumstances. Journal of Vegetable Science, 58, 530-538. Popeye, T.S.M. (1968). Spinach: A phenomenological perspective. Existential botany, 35, 908-813. Rogers, F. (1979). Becoming my neighbour. New York:Soft press. Ruler, Y. (1923). Assessing measurements protocols by the multi-method multiple regression index for the psychometric analysis of factorial interaction. Annals of Boredom, 67, 1190-1260. Spanky, D., & Alfalfa, Q. (1978). Coping with puberty. Sears catalogue, 45-46. Seuss, D.R. (1983). A psychometric analysis of green eggs with and without ham. Journal of clinical cuisine, 245, 567-578. Temple-Black, S. (1982). Childhood: an ever-so sad disorder. Journal of precocity, 3, 129-134. Tom, C., & Jerry, M. (1967). Human behaviour as a model for understanding the rat. In M. de Sade (Ed.). The rewards of Punishment. Paris:Bench press. FURTHER READINGS Christ, J.H. (1980). Grandiosity in children. Journal of applied theology, 1, 1-1000. Joe, G.I. (1965). Aggressive fantasy as wish fulfilment. Archives of General MacArthur, 5, 23-45. Leary, T. (1969). Pharmacotherapy for childhood. Annals of astrological Science, 67, 456-459. Kissoff, K.G.B. (1975). Extinction of learnt behaviour. Paper presented to the Siberian Psychological Association, 38th annual Annual meeting, Kamchatka. Smythe, C., & Barnes, T. (1979). Behaviour therapy prevents tooth decay. Journal of behavioral Orthodontics, 5, 79-89. Potash, S., & Hoser, B. (1980). A failure to replicate the results of Smythe and Barnes. Journal of dental psychiatry, 34, 678-680. Smythe, C., & Barnes, T. (1980). Your study was poorly done: A reply to Potash and Hoser. Annual review of Aquatic psychiatry, 10, 123-156. Potash, S., & Hoser, B. (1981). Your mother wears army boots: A further reply to Smythe and Barnes. Archives of invective research, 56, 5-9. Smythe, C., & Barnes, T. (1982). Embarrassing moments in the sex lives of Potash and Hoser: A further reply. National Enquirer, May 16. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Years ago, I was taking an algebra class over the summer, and had a teacher who liked to reminisce about his past with funny stories. He relates that he had been a math teacher in the Air Force, where it was his duty to force sleepy young recruits to stay awake for an hour of math at 8:00 in the morning in a large, warm, dimly-lit auditorium. One day, he came into the auditorium and saw his class even sleepier and less attentive than usual. He realized that something drastic would have to be done. Now this classroom was *very* old, and the blackboards, which had been nailed on to the walls with old black iron nails, had become loose over the years. As a result, these black nails jutted almost invisibly from the blackboard and this teacher kept banging his hands on them while erasing the board. He decided to put them to good use. With enough of a flourish to guarantee the class's attention, he went to the front of the room, near one edge of the board. Then, clearing his throat, he drew a coathook right near one of the protruding nails. He proceeded to hang his coat and hat on the hook that he had drawn in chalk (really on the nail, of course). Then he went on to give that day's lecture. He told us that the entire class had their eyes to the front of the room throughout the lecture. He didn't know if they'd heard a single word he'd said, but at least they looked attentive. At the end of the class, the lecturer would usually leave by a small door near the blackboards, while the class would leave through the large doors at the back of the hall. When class was over, he took his coat and hat, erased the coathook, and left through the small door--and was followed by the entire class, lining up to go past the blackboard to see how he'd done it. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ "I don't care who you are, Fatso. Just get those reindeer off my roof." "Is there any intelligent life in this planet?" "No. I'm just visiting in here." "Let me think...I wonder if an anvil will drop like an apple?" -- Tradition tells us these are the last words of sir Isaac Newton "Make love, not war." "I'm married, I do both." "So when I die, the first thing I will see in Heaven is a score list?" "This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and extereme violence." -- Vivian, "The Young Ones" "Trust me, I know what I'm doing." -- Sledgehammer "What are you doing?" "Examining the world's major religions. I'm looking for something that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short initiation period." "What is your operation plan?" "Just get violent, babe. Just get violent." -- Dempsey & Makepeace "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you didn't believe in God." "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be." -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" "When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last, "what's the first thing you say to yourself?" "What's for breakfast?" said Pooh. "What do you say, Piglet?" "I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said Piglet. Pooh nodded thoughtfully. "It's the same thing," he said. -- A. A. Milne, "Winnie the Pooh" "Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat. -- Lewis Carrol ...and sometimes a piercer drops by. 355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation. 43rd Law of Computing: Anything that can go wr -- Core dumped 68: Do me now and I'll owe you one. A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a "Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble. -- Mahatma Ghandi A CONS is an object which cares. -- Bernie Greenberg. A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of nothing. A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere, is having fun. A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on. -- Carl Sandburg A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no responsibility at the other. A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce. -- Don Quinn A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you have turned into a pile of dust. A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have enlightened him with ours. A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward. A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other. A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to complete than expexted; a carefully planned project will take only twice as long. A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness. A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party. A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie. A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election. -- Bill Vaughan A city is a large community where people are lonesome together. -- Herbert Prochnow A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make. A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time. -- Alfred E. Wiggam A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk. -- Franklin D. Roosevelt A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it. A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper. -- Dyer A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern. -- Edgar A. Shoaff A day for firm decisions!! Or is it? A day without sunshine is like night. A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur coat. A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age. -- Robert Frost A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat." The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an architect." The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?" A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. -- Ogden Nash A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. -- Winston Churchill A fool must now and then be right by chance. A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant. A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension. -- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature" A genius is a queer who can whistle while he works. -- Bobby Knight A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of). A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. -- William James A hand in a bird is worth two on 'er bush. A hard man is good to find. A joke is like watching a woman get out of a car -- sometimes you see it and sometimes you don't. -- Max Miller A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program in than some that do. -- Dennis M. Ritchie A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist, and too rich to be a communist. A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price. A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks. -- Lew Col A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy. A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package. A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems. A mind is a wonderful thing to waste. A mushroom cloud has no silver lining. A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient power-down sequence. An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer cool. A nuclear war can ruin your whole day. A nymph hits you and steals your virginity. A penny saved is a penny. A penny saved is ridiculous. A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely called a liberal. A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? And he answered: It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness. And that is Fate? said the priest. Fate...I thought you said Freight, responded the Master. That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know what Freight was too. -- Kehlog Albran A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions. -- George Eliot A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon. -- Steel City News A reactionary is a man whose political opinions always manage to keep up with yesterday. A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works. A rumor has it that rumors are just rumors. A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard. -- Prof. Steiner A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam. A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something undreamed of by its author. -- S. C. Johnson A toast to the kisses you've snatched and vice-versa. A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first. A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with. -- Tennessee Williams A virgin is chaste. A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous. A winner never quits. A quitter never wins. A witty saying proves nothing. -- Voltaire A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to admit, let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact remains that there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another, completely immune to any direct magical spell. It is for this group of beings that the magician learns the subtleties of using indirect spells. It also does no harm, in dealing with these matters, to carry a large club near your person at all times. -- "The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII" A woman is like a dresser...some man always goin' through her drawers. -- Blind Lemon Pledge A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without love, without virtue, without sex. -- Balzac A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God. AMAZING BUT TRUE... If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful. AMAZING BUT TRUE... There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert. APL hackers do it in the quad. APL is a write-only language. I can write programs in APL, but I can't read any of them. -- Roy Keir Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. -- Herbert Hoover Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western religion, Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western science. -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters" A woman drove me to drink, and I didn't even have the courtesy to thank her. According to my best recollection, I don't remember. -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless. Achilles' Biological Findings: (1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity. If he looks like a neighbor, that's environment. (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first -- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster. Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing. Admittedly, there are a lot of things that are better than sex, and a lot more that are worse; but there's nothing quite like it... After all is said and done, a hell lot of a lot more is said than done. After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations. -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found on the bench. After living in New York, you trust nobody, but you believe everything. Just in case. After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed. Against stupidity the gods themselves contend in vain. -- Friedrich Schiller Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget cuts. Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves. Aide to Raygun: Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion. Raygun himself: Tell them to help themselves. All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance. All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power. -- Ashleigh Brilliant All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm place to shift. All extremists should be taken out and shot. All hope abandon, ye who enter here! -- Dante Alighieri All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific. -- Jane Wagner All power corrupts, but we need electricity. All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income. -- Samuel Butler All science is either physics or stamp collecting. -- E. Rutherford All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands. -- Saint Patrick All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism. All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most ridiculous ones. -- La Rochefoucauld All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. -- Sean O'Casey All things are possible except skiing thru a revolving door. All things dull and ugly, All creatures short and squat, All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot; Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings, He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings. All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small, All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all. Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid. Who made the spikey urchin? Who made the sharks? He did. All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small. Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all. -- Monty Python's Flying Circus All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score. All's well that ends. Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back. Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else. Always talk to your wife while you're making love...if there's a phone handy. Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. -- Charlie McCarthy Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it. An Army travels on her stomach. An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because people refuse to see it. -- James Michener, "Space" An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you really care to know. An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible. An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing. An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures. I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment. I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but I have not been enlightened. What should I do?" Otis replied, "Give up suffering." -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" Anarchy may not be a better form of government, but it's better than no government at all. And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?" They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed." And Jesus replied, "What?" And as we stand on the edge of darkness Let our chant fill the void That others may know In the land of the night The ship of the sun Is drawn by The grateful dead. -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead" ca. 4000 BC. And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode. And the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course, merely a courtesy detail. And the northern lights commenced to glow. And she said, with a tear in her eye, "Watch out where the huskies go, and don't you eat that yellow snow." -- Frank Zappa, "The Story of Nanook and the Fur Trapper" Ankh if you love Isis. Anthony's Law of Force: Don't force it; get a larger hammer. Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop. Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike your toes. Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader. The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.) Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger object. Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure. -- Milt Barber Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. -- Rich Kulawiec Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. -- Arthur C. Clarke Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment. -- Robert Benchley Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. -- Publilius Syrus Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. -- Samuel Goldwyn Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby. -- Robin Hood Anything free is worth what you pay for it. Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW" means the price went way up. Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. Anytime things appear to be going better, you've overlooked something. Apple owners do it with mice. Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes. -- Mickey Mouse Arnold's Laws of Documentation: (1) If it should exist, it doesn't. (2) If it does exist, it's out of date. (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws. Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long? -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 Art is either plagiarism or revolution. -- Paul Gauguin Arthur's Laws of Love: (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else. (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person. Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum. As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. -- Albert Einstein As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. -- Weisert As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in my own programs. -- Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949 As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there is always a future in Computer Maintenance. -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" Assassins do it from behind. At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest. -- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his thumb with a hammer. -- Marshall Lumsden At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer. Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity. -- G. J. Danton Avoid reality at all costs. BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of 'Scientific Creationism'. Bad men live that they may eat and drink, whereas good men eat and drink that they may live. -- Socrates Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare. Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward >from the floor -- especially in the dark. Barth's Distinction: There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don't. Baruch's Observation: If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. (2) Advising the President. (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. -- David Letterman Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps. Be careful when eating bananas. Monsters might slip on the peels. Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his followers. One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing. "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your Purpose in Life, anyway?" Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The Chinese ideogram for No-Thing.) Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened. Primarily because nobody understood Chinese. -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife, Guinevere, into her chastity belt. Then he summoned his loyal friend and subject Sir Lancelot. "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife. The key to this chaste treasure I will entrust to only one man in the world. To you." Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's blessing and took charge of the key. Arthur mounted his steed and rode off. Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him. "What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king. "My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!" Beifeld's Principle: The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of: (1) a date (2) his wife (3) a better looking and richer male friend. Being ugly isn't illegal. Yet. Bend over and take it like a man! Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence. -- Time Bandits Better leave the dungeon, otherwise you might get hurt badly. Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. -- Leonard Brandwein Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all evil. Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it. -- Donald Knuth Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way. -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle" Beware of the minotaur. He's very horny! Beware of the potion of nitroglycerin - it's not for the weak of heart. Bill Posters Will Be Prosecuted. Bill Is Inncocent! Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same thing as division. Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic. Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth. Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt. Blood flows down one leg and up the other. Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier. Blore's Razor: Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier. Boling's postulate: If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress. Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. Boob's Law: You always find something in the last place you look. Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question. Boren's Laws: (1) When in charge, ponder. (2) When in trouble, delegate. (3) When in doubt, mumble. Bradley's Bromide: If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in. Brain fried -- Core dumped Brook's Law: Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. Brooke's Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition. Bus error -- passengers dumped. But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. -- Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers" By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task completely overwhelm you. By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to invent. -- R. Emerson -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.") [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"] By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve. -- Robert Frost Byte your tongue. CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. Cahn's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions. Canada Bill Jone's Motto: It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. Supplement: A .44 magnum beats four aces. Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health. Cave(wo)men all belong to the same club. Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch. Chapter 1 The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. Chaste makes waste. Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate. Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners. Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next. -- Franklin P. Jones Children aren't happy without something to ignore, And that's what parents were created for. -- Ogden Nash Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will. Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and not tried. -- G. K. Chesterton Churchill's Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on. Clark Kent is a transvestite. Coito ergo sum. College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months later you wish you'd never come. Colorless green ideas sleep furiously. Colvard's Logical Premises: Al l probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't. Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: This is especially true when dealing with someone you're attracted to. Grelb's Commentary: Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you. Communists do it without class. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. -- Gilb Confucious say: fool man climb tree to get cherries; wise man spread limbs. man who fishes in other man's well often catch crabs. man who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand. man who live in glass house should bathe in the basement. man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment get no new key. man who make love on ground have piece on Earth. man who marry girl with no bust has right to feel low down. man who pull out too fast leave rubber. man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead. man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day. woman who cooks carrots and pees in same pot very unsanitary. woman who ride bicycle peddle ass around town. Confucius say too much. -- Recent Chinese Proverb Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe. Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking. -- H. L. Mencken Conserve energy -- make love more slowly. Consider the little mouse, how sagacious an animal it is which never entrusts its life to one hole only. -- Titus Maccius Plautus Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then give it back to them. Conway's Law: In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired. Cox's Philosophy: Life's a bitch, then you die. Crime does not pay...as well as politics. -- A. E. Newman Cunnilingus is next to godliness. Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you? First you rape, then you pillage!! David was just a shepherd who liked to get his rocks off in leather. DeVries' Dilemma: If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper. Dealing with failure is easy: Work hard to improve. Success is also easy to handle: You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve. Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings. Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. -- R. Geis Death is nature's way of saying 'Howdy'. Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. -- G. B. Shaw Descend in order to meet more decent monsters. Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him. -- John Barrymore's dying words Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. Divers do it deeper. Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same. -- George Bernard Shaw Do not drink coffee in early a.m. It will keep you awake until noon. Do not meddle in the affairs of the wizards for they are crunchy and good with ketchup. Do not meddle in the affairs of the wizards for they are subtle and quick to anger. Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out if it alive. Do something big -- fuck a giant. Do something unusual today. Pay a bill. Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. Do you want to visit hell? Dig a *very* deep hole. Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say. Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it. Don't feed the bats tonight. Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. Don't play hack at your work, your boss might hit you. Don't remember what you can infer. -- Harry Tennant Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side. Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice, Unless you get a good percentage of her price... -- Tom Lehrer Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him. Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them. Down with categorical imperative! Draft beer, not people. Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. Drinking might affect your health. Drinking potions of booze may land you in jail if you are under 21. Drive defensively. Buy a tank. Ducharm's Axiom: If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of the problem. Ducharme's Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders has been discontinued. Dungeon expects every monster to do his duty. Dust is an armor of poor quality. Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it. -- W. Somerset Maughm Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends. Eat 10 cloves of garlic and keep all humans at a two-square distance. Eat the rich -- the poor are tough and stringy. Education kills by degrees. Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain of being a damned fool. -- Bellamy Brooks Ehrman's Commentary: (1) Things will get worse before they get better. (2) Who said things would get better? Einstein rules relatively ok. Emersons' Law of Contrariness: Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it. Enjoy every minute. There's plenty of time to be dead. Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking. -- Jerome Lettvin Even God lends a hand to honest boldness. -- Menander Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling just a bit unchivalrous. -- Robert Benchley Even peace may be purchased at too high a price. -- Poor Richard Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral. -- Kehlog Albran Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you just how busy they are? Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it. Every program has (at least) two purposes: the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't. Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits. Every solution breeds new problems. Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be taught how not. So it is with the great programmers. Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact wholly unconcerned with what does exist. Indeed, the banality of existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all, one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely differend subject Sir Lancelot. "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife. The key to this chaste treasure I will entrust to only one man in the world. To you." Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's blessing and took charge of the key. Arthur mounted his steed and rode off. Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him. "What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king. "My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!" Beifeld's Principle: The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of: (1) a date (2) his wife (3) a better looking and richer male friend. Being ugly isn't illegal. Yet. Bend over and take it like a man! Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence. -- Time Bandits Better leave the dungeon, otherwise you might get hurt badly. Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. -- Leonard Brandwein Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all evil. Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it. -- Donald Knuth Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way. -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle" Beware of the minotaur. He's very horny! Beware of the potion of nitroglycerin - it's not for the weak of heart. Bill Posters Will Be Prosecuted. Bill Is Inncocent! Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same thing as division. Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic. Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth. Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt. Blood flows down one leg and up the other. Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier. Blore's Razor: Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier. Boling's postulate: If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress. Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. Boob's Law: You always find something in the last place you look. Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question. Boren's Laws: (1) When in charge, ponder. (2) When in trouble, delegate. (3) When in doubt, mumble. Bradley's Bromide: If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in. Brain fried -- Core dumped Brook's Law: Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. Brooke's Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition. Bus error -- passengers dumped. But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. -- Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers" By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task completely overwhelm you. By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to invent. -- R. Emerson -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.") [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"] By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve. -- Robert Frost Byte your tongue. CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. Cahn's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions. Canada Bill Jone's Motto: It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. Supplement: A .44 magnum beats four aces. Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health. Cave(wo)men all belong to the same club. Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch. Chapter 1 The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. Chaste makes waste. Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate. Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners. Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next. -- Franklin P. Jones Children aren't happy without something to ignore, And that's what parents were created for. -- Ogden Nash Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will. Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and not tried. -- G. K. Chesterton Churchill's Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on. Clark Kent is a transvestite. Coito ergo sum. College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months later you wish you'd never come. Colorless green ideas sleep furiously. Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his followers. One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing. "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your Purpose in Life, anyway?" Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The Chinese ideogram for No-Thing.) Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened. Primarily because nobody understood Chinese. -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife, Guinevere, into her chastity belt. Then he summoned his loyal friend and subject Sir Lancelot. "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife. The key to this chaste treasure I will entrust to only one man in the world. To you." Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's blessing and took charge of the key. Arthur mounted his steed and rode off. Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him. "What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king. "My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!" Beifeld's Principle: The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of: (1) a date (2) his wife (3) a better looking and richer male friend. Being ugly isn't illegal. Yet. Bend over and take it like a man! Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence. -- Time Bandits Better leave the dungeon, otherwise you might get hurt badly. Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. -- Leonard Brandwein Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all evil. Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it. -- Donald Knuth Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way. -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle" Beware of the minotaur. He's very horny! Beware of the potion of nitroglycerin - it's not for the weak of heart. Bill Posters Will Be Prosecuted. Bill Is Inncocent! Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same thing as division. Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic. Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth. Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt. Blood flows down one leg and up the other. Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier. Blore's Razor: Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier. Boling's postulate: If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress. Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. Boob's Law: You always find something in the last place you look. Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question. Boren's Laws: (1) When in charge, ponder. (2) When in trouble, delegate. (3) When in doubt, mumble. Bradley's Bromide: If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in. Brain fried -- Core dumped Brook's Law: Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. Brooke's Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition. Bus error -- passengers dumped. But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. -- Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers" By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task completely overwhelm you. By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve. -- Robert Frost Byte your tongue. CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. Cahn's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions. Canada Bill Jone's Motto: It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. Supplement: A .44 magnum beats four aces. Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health. Cave(wo)men all belong to the same club. Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch. Chapter 1 The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. Chaste makes waste. Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate. Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners. Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next. -- Franklin P. Jones Children aren't happy without something to ignore, And that's what parents were created for. -- Ogden Nash Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will. Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and not tried. -- G. K. Chesterton Churchill's Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on. Clark Kent is a transvestite. Coito ergo sum. College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months later you wish you'd never come. Colorless green ideas sleep furiously. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The young man had invited his parents to meet his fiancee over cocktails at the Plaza Hotel in New York. After his family had departed, the girl wanted to know what kind of impression she'd made. "I'm sorry to tell you this, dear," the young man said. "But while you were in the ladies' room, my mother told me that she considered you rather uncouth." "Did you tell them I graduated from finishing school and from Bennington?" "Yes." "Did you tell them my family enjoys the highest social standing in Southampton?" "I certainly did, dear." "Then what the fuck is all this uncouth shit about?" the girl demanded to know. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The Mother Superior in the convent school was chatting with her young charges and she asked them what they wanted to be when they grew up. A twelve-year-old said, "I want to be a prostitute." The Mother Superior fainted dead away on the spot. When they revived her, she raised her head from the ground and gasped, "What---did---you---say---?" The young girl shrugged. "I said I want to be a prostitute." "A prostitute!" the Mother Superior said, "Oh, praise sweet Jesus! That's wonderful, dear. And I thought you said you wanted to be a Protestant." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ An inexperienced young Polish man, prior to his wedding, asked his father what he should do to his wife on their wedding night. "Well," said the Polish father, not knowing really how to say it delicately, "you take the thing you used to play with more than anything else when you were a teenager and put it where your wife wee-wees." "Really, dad?" the young Polack said. "Believe me, son," his father responded, "you'll love it." So on his wedding night, the young man took his baseball and threw it in the toilet. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ This from Air & Space/Smithsonian magazine: The three-letter airport identifier for Sioux City, Iowa, under attack by state officials, will be changed. The Federal Aviation Administration has agreed that SUX is an unacceptable abbreviation for the facility. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Tester: "Please step into the bathroom over there, and fill this cup to the halfway mark". Testee (thinks): Hmmm. Only half a cup? What's the matter, don't they like my urine? ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Two guys were talking at a bar about what they did for a living. One said, "I got this job in a circus where I have to clean up the elephant. You know, hose him down three times a day, clean up his shit all day long, etc. The smell of that shit--phew! Its so bad, it really gets me down sometimes." His companion said, "Well, if you can't stand the smell and the rest of the work, why don't you quit?" "What?" said the outraged first man. "And leave show business?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ XYZ Tobacco has just introduced a smokeless cigarette. Just the thing to have after safe sex. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A math teacher at my brother's school held a Creative Writing in Mathematics contest. Students were asked to finish the sentence "Math is like a box of chocolates..." The grand prize winning entry was submitted by a sixth grader: "Math is like a box of chocolates -- it's best when you use your fingers." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Sally arrived home from her date on a cloud. She tossed her coat over a chair, her purse over the banister; she threw the rest of her clothing around her bedroom with abandon. The next morning at breakfast, her mother asked if she had had a good time. "Oh," she sighed, "I had a wonderful time!" "I guess so," her mother remarked. "Your underpants are still stuck to the ceiling." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ President Reagan was flying back to the U.S. after special talks with Cuban leaders. As his helicopter passed over the Florida Everglades, he spotted two white men in a speedboat dragging a black man behind them on a long rope. Reagan asked the pilot to bring the chopper down along side the boat. Once in hearing range, Reagan turned on the microphone and yelled, "I sure do think it's wonderful of you two boys to take a black man water-skiing. It's refreshing to see that there isn't any prejudice in Florida." As the helicopter flew off, one of the redneck boaters turned to the other and said, "He may be president of the whole fucking country, but he sure don't know shit about huntin' alligators." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Those who claim that seeing things in movies does not affect what people do in real life may have to reconsider their position: look at what Lorena Bobbitt did after seeing "Free Willy"... = = = = = = = Today at work, the boss wanted to know when Father's Day was. "Easy," I answered. "It's nine months before Mother's Day." = = = = = = = Recently I've been seeing lots vague of Microsoft ads on TV, with the tag line, "Where do you want to go today?" My immediate response was, "Chicago. But I can't get there until August!" = = = = = = = Did you hear that Tanya Harding and Mickael Jackson are building a race track together? Tanya will take care of the handicapping and Michael will ride the three year olds. = = = = = = = You know what they say about Sprite ... Two-thirds of it is Spit. = = = = = = = I was recently telling a friend of mine about a rectent romantic endeavour. I told him that first she asked me not to push her into making a decision on our relationship, but I couldn't wait, so she turned me down. My friend said "OK, so you backed off, then you backed on, and then you were backed over." = = = = = = = I was at a concert for the band God Lives Underwater at the Khyber Pass Bar in Philly the other day. One of the opening acts for GLU was a band named "Maids of Gravity," where the bassest was heard saying... "We've got 4 records out...all same title...all same artwork..." = = = = = = = It's 1972, and Jesus comes into a disco. He pays the cover, but he just can't seem to score, every song that comes on he moves like a dead white guy. So after a while he takes a break, buttonholes the bartender and says, "Darn it! I've risen, and I can't get down!" = = = = = = = Q: So, if people that love the English are called Anglophiles, and people that love the French are Francophiles, what are people that love Americans called? A: Americans. = = = = = = = Another proof that my life is a SitCom. My friend and I (both straight males) offer a gay friend of ours a ride home where his home is about 60 miles away. We are driving along when suddenly he says, "This is something I don't get to say very often; I bet I give the best blowjobs in this car!" Shocked silence, then I say "Ok, you win." = = = = = = = Said that wit Susan Vass: "I've been married so long I'm on my third bottle of Tabasco Sauce." = = = = = = = A charming conversation-starter by a woman named Barbara whom I met at a concert in Santa Cruz this weekend: "I'm into domestic violence, but world peace." (She said her ex-boyfriend really hated that line...) = = = = = = = The recent note from the SouthWest flight (greg[at]pomona.claremont.edu) reminded me of a comment by the attendant on a PSA flight to LA: "If you would like to smoke, please feel free to step outside." [Apparently PSA crew were known for humor -- as I recall "catch our smile" was their motto, and the planes had big smiley faces painted on them. When they got merged into another airline, the policy was terminated.] = = = = = = = Two guys met on the street and one asked "What's a masochist?" The other replied "Beats the shit out of me." = = = = = = = David Koresh claimed he was Jesus Christ. But a lot of folks were wondering if he was Jesus, why did he have all those guns? Well, after what happened the first time, who could blame him? = = = = = = = My local Kentucky Fried Chicken is offering a Hillary Six Piece Special. It consists of two fat legs, two tiny breasts, and two left wings. = = = = = = = "I was a shepard once ... but I got fired because I always fell asleep during inventory." = = = = = = = One way to know that the Computer has eaten you up: 1 Kilometer = 1024 meters = = = = = = = "With all the money they spent to make Waterworld, couldn't they just have fixed the ozone layer and eliminated the problem?" = = = = = = = Seen on a bathroom wall: FCK the only thing missing is you. = = = = = = = A friend of mine flies airplanes for recreation and mentioned that I wanted a helicopter to beat the speed limits on the local roads. So, I asked him if a helicopter was considered an airplane. He responded, "No, they're different. An airplane glides through the air while a helicopter beats the air into submission." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A lot of radio and TV shows are now offering tapes and transcripts of programs. I recently heard this on the NPR show "Car Talk": To order a tape of this show, call xxx-xxx-xxxx. If you want a transcript, call xxx-xxx-xxxx, order a tape, and write down what you hear. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ [ I got this as somebody's list of reactions to the rejection note they were sent on a submission. The rejection reaction was funnier than the joke. This is parodied on the Roxanne list. ] (Ok...) Inflamed: What?!? You didn't think it was funny? Where did you get your sense of humor, an Acme correspondence course? What do I have to do to get something funny posted around here? Blow half of the backbone SAs for my OWN newsgroup, like you? Bribery: Ok, how about five bucks? Polite: I wasn't sure if you wanted to handle it, but I wanted to make sure you had the opportunity. Defensive: Hey, *I* didn't write it. Sly: Just testing. You pass. [Remaining 19 not included because I'm not as funny as Cyrano/Martin.] ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ From an article in the Globe & Mail, Jul 26, written by Bryan Johnson, in Pakistan: First he tells of a pilot who spotted tracer bullets as he approached a runway in Norhtern Pakistan. So the pilot swung around and approached the runway from the other end only to find bullets winging by there too. So he tried to land on a road and cracked up. From whence came the bullets? Afghan rebels? Terrorists? No, just "one hell of a wedding party." In the Peshawar region, wedding guests can rent an AK-47 for a day for $2 or the use of a water buffalo. With tragic results. In one case, "jubilant" cousins accidentily "blasted away" the bridegroom's father. The wedding was postponed for 40 days of mourning, then again celebrated amid "ecstatic volleys of flying lead." In another wedding in the region, shots from a wedding severed high tension electrical wires, the falling wires electrocuted 8 guests and set parts of the village on fire. As well there have been sevearl injuries to people not even attending the weddings who happen into the path of a stray bullet. Although authorities have promised to crack down, little success is expected. In the words of a city councillor, "If I do not use my gun when invited to a wedding, I will be considered a mouse, not a man." Rambo would be proud. P.S. along a similar note, although Rambo III has not been pulling in the North American box office receipts the producers would have liked, they are reportedly not worried because Rambo movies pull 80% of their gross from foreign receipts. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day about the fact that in many languages, such as English, a double negative forms a positive, while in other languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. "However," he pointed out, "in no language can a double positive form a negative." A bored voice from the back of the room responded, "Yeah, yeah...." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ [Edited] Perhaps since "The Last Temptation of Christ" attempts to talk about how the Jews supposedly killed Jesus, it might get more viewers if it is named, "WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBI?" [ Or as they said in rec.arts.movies, "Who Framed Roger Ebert?" -- "The Siskel Kid," of course. ] ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The first planned night game at Wrigley field in Chicago was called off because of rain. Says David Letterman, "I seem to recall the first time I tried it with the lights on, it was pretty much of a washout as well." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Soon available at checkout counters everywhere: *NATIONAL COMP SCI ENQUIRER* EXCLUSIVE PHOTO: Turing machine with two heads! STARTLING EVIDENCE: LISP came from Mars? SHOCKING EXPOSE: Illegal core dumping in Lake Erie! TRUE STORY: Man inverts singular matrix and lives to tell! REVELATION: Top scientist discovers New Jersey on Karnaugh map! OS SCANDAL: Unix and Ms. Dos found in love nest! PSYCHIC PREDICTS: Fixed points will break again! CIA SECRET: Proof of P=NP found in UFO! ANALYSTS PANIC: Prime numbers missing from IEEE floating point? SOFTWARE REVOLUTION: Marxists scheme classless Smalltalk! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A roving reporter from the BBC was touring a remote part of the Scottish Highlands looking for material for a documentary about the way of life there. REPORTER: Hello there, excuse me, I'm from the BBC and I'm gathering material for a documentary about the way of life in the remote parts of the Scottish Highlands. You look like an interesting fellow, perhaps I could interview you?? SCOTSMAN: Certainly... REPORTER: Well, perhaps you could start by telling me your name? SCOTSMAN: Well now there's a story. Y'know I deliver the mail round here, but do they call me Donald the Postman? No they don't. You see those fine crofts up on the hill there, well, I built more than half of them myself, but do they call me Donald the Croftbuilder? No, they don't. And did you pass the nets down in the harbour? Well, I made several of them, but do they call me Donald the Netmaker? No, they don't. But, I tell you, a moment's weakness with just ONE sheep .... ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ [ This is a collection of the better shuttle jokes, much later. You may well have heard of these. THere are more, but I'm not posting them. As usual, do not send any extras to me, and since the submitter asked to be anonymous, you can't send to him either. ] S H U T T L E J O K E S Q: Did you know that Christa McAuliffe was blue eyed? A: One blew left and one blew right. Q: What were Christa McAuliffe's last words? A: "What's this button do?" Q: What were Christa McAuliffe's last words to her husband? A: "You feed the kids - I'll feed the fish". Q: What does NASA stand for? A1: Need Another Seven Astronauts A2: Need Another Shuttle Also A3: Chicken Kiev Q: Did you know why there was only one black crew member on Challenger? A: They didn't know it was going to blow up. Q: Did you know that NASA has a new space drink? A: Ocean Spray - It was their second choice because they couldn't get 7-UP. Q: When the next shuttle launches into space, what will the senior controller say? A: "72, 73, 74 BOOM! - Just kidding guys!" Q: What do Playtex tampon users and Christa McAuliffe have in common? A: They both should have stayed on the pad. Q: What does a sea lion, the space shuttle and Tylenol have in common? A: They're all looking for a tight seal. Q: How many people will fit in a Florida Volkswagon? A: Four in the seats and seven in the ashtray. Q: Why did the board of education recommended posthumously taking away McAuliffe's teaching certificate? A: She set a bad example by blowing up in front of her students. Q: On future shuttle missions, why will one of the astronauts have to be a naval officer? A: So when they decide to use it as an experimental submarine, they'll have a rated officer onboard. Q: What do Christa McAuliffe and Donna Rice have in common? A: They both went down on the challenger. Q: Did you hear that they are sending up another teacher on the next shuttle mission? A: She's going to be a substitute. Q: Did you hear that the first civilian on the shuttle is no longer an English teacher? A: Now she's history. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Four southern belles were discussing their husbands one afternoon 1st Southern Belle: "Well, ah do declare, my husband is so good to me. He brings me diamonds near' every day of the week. I got a diamond ring for every finger." 2SB: "My My My" 3SB: "You know, my husbands is the same way. He brings me fur coats all the time. I got a whole closet full of fur coats." 2SB: "My My My" 4SB: "Mine too. He takes me on cruises and trips. I've been nearly everywhere on this whole blessed earth." 2SB: "My My My" (Nervous pause) 1SB to 2SB: "How does your husband treat you?" 2SB: "Oh, my husband is good to me too. He sent me off to finishin' school." (Nervous pause) 3SB to 2SB: "Finishin' school? What good is goin' to finishin' school?" 2SB: "Well, I used to say 'Fuck you, bitch', now I just say 'My My My.'" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ An 80-year old man read in the paper that someone had saved a life by signing an organ donor card. The man felt this was a noble thing to do so he called the organ donor organization to see if he could get a card. Unfortuneatly, he was told that he was too old to donate his organs when he died. The lady at the organization did tell him that if he wanted to give life in another way that he could go to the sperm bank - they take anyone of any age. Rather pleased, the man went to the sperm bank. After filling out the obligatory forms, the receptionist gave him a jar and pointed to a little room and said *You can go in there to donate, thank you*. So the man went in and closed the door and in a moment the receptionist heard this loud moaning and groaning. She felt a little embarrassed for the old man but did nothing. The moaning and groaning continued for 20 minutes and finally she knocked on the door and asked if the old man was all right. The old man came out and said, *I'm really sorry. I tried it with my left hand, then I tried it with my right hand, then I tried it with both hands, but I can't get the DAMN LID OFF THE JAR!!! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Heard on PBS last week: Nearly 600,000 men in the United States get a vasectomy each year. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil. Voltaire said, "This is no time to make new enemies".. "How can you waste beer like that!! Don't you realize there are sober chilren in Africa!!" Seen in an article in the Wall Street Journal -- "Mommy, do all fairy tales beginning with `Once upon a time'?" "No, dear. Nowadays, lots of them start with `If I am elected...'." Apple - Typically a device to seduce men, usually equipped with a display screen File - What your secretary does to her nails when the computer is doing all of the work Loop - a method of execution no longer in vogue, except in Iran. MegaHertz - a VERY large car rental company Real Time - Here and Now, as opposed to Fake time which occurs there and then Bankers' Hours: That part of the day when it is too hot to play golf. Have you met the "bud light" couple? She tastes great, and he's less filling! Milton Berle, at his 80th birthday party: "I feel like a 20-year old! Unfortunately, there aren't any here." Guys talking in a bar: ....what's that you say? You've got 5 penises? Don't you have a problem with underwear? Na. Fits like a glove. Overheard by a person with a cold: "I have more phlegm in my throat than a prostitute from Amsterdam." Q. What's the difference between Noah's Ark and Joan of Arc? A. Noah's Ark was made of wood; Joan of Arc was Maid of Orleans. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A couple decide to see a movie. They arrive just before show time and the theater is quite full. As they walk down the aisle and their eyes adjust to the dim light, they see only a few empty seats. To one side, they find a man sprawled across three seats. After a nervous pause, one of them says to the man: "Excuse me, there are very few seats left, and we would appreciate it if you would sit up." The man, rolling his eyes, replies: "Eeeryarrrgh ooouwaaaah uuummmpphhhhh" The couple look at each other, and the word "drunk" is in both of their minds. They find the manager. The manager tries: "Excuse me, sir, you may only use one seat. Please sit up." The man waves his arms and replies: "OOOWOWHHHAHHH EEYAYAAARRRGGHHHHH OOOOOOFFFF!" The manager assumes his drill sergeant attitude: "Look buddy, I am the manager here. Where is your seat, anyway?" The man replies: "AAAAARRRRGH... the balcony ....OOOOOFFFFF" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ GURKHAS - THE MARTIAL RACE Now that an accord has been signed between the GNLF of Subhash ( not the go back to India one :-)) Ghising and the Government of India, it might be appropriate to recollect an interesting anecdote regarding these doughty warriors. In World war II, an English reporter who had heard so much about the bravery and elan of the Gurkhas visited a camp just in front of the enemy lines (Germans). During the course of his reporting, he had occasion to observe a mission being conducted. The mission was to airdrop a bunch of soldiers behind enemy lines to conduct some relatively light action. He watched the commander of the Gurkhas (a British soldier) pitch the mission and then ask for volunteers. To his surprise, only about half the Gurkhas volunteered and were sent off. Throughly disillusioned with the legends of Gurkha bravery, the reporter went back home. After the war, he happened to run into a Gurkha who had been there, and asked him why half the troops had failed to volunteer. It turned out that none of the squad, both those who volunteered and those who did not, were aware that they would get a parachute for the drop. Hence the low turnout. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The Preying Mantis Syndrome Many lower life forms demonstrate qualities that, at first, don't seem very good for survival. For instance, the female praying mantis, after mating with, well, her mate, will devour him. For the male praying mantis, however, it is a catch-22. If he mates, he gets screwed out of an opportunity to mate again. If he doesn't mate, he doesn't reproduce and that is the end of his family tree (not that all insects live in trees, mind you). This suicidal behavior is commonly called the Preying Mantis Syndrome - and many life forms are periodically subject to it's wrath. How did the preying mantis become stuck in such a vicious cycle? This is probably what happened beforehand: The male mantis arrives at the residence of the female mantis. After some courtship exercises (dinner, a movie, inserting the diaphram) they mate. The female mantis, her lust for...lust being satisfied relaxes while the Male raids the refrigerator and returns home. This behavior continues until the male and female (mantissas?) establish a permanent relationship. Then the male establishes a new pattern of behavior: Football on Mondays, baseball on Tuesdays, happy hour on Wednesdays, Uh, working-late-at-the-office on Thursdays, and bowling on Fridays. The female tolerates this to a certain extent, then files for a divorce. After a long battle, she retires to her alimony-paid home with a lesson well learned: It simplifies matters tremendously to just eat him when you're done with him. Well, through the process of evolution, the Preying Mantis Syndrome is carried up into the highest life forms, even humans. That is why, one week out of every month, the female of the species will feel compelled to bite the head off the male. The Preying Mantis Syndrome is inescapable, but when it occurs in the female of our species, it's best to just avoid them for a while. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in 'Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?" A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?" He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?" The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ This comes from a box of my Dad's stuff from World War II. I transcribed it as accurately as I could from the original yellowed memo (I fixed a few spelling errors, but left any wording errors as they were). Brett Carver Hewlett-Packard hplabs!hpnmd!brett -------------------------------------------------------------------------- HEADQUARTERS LAST U.S. ARMY APO 001. U.S. ARMY AG 4110.99 (DEBCA) 20 September 1944 SUBJECT : Indoctrination for Return to U.S. TO : All Units. 1. In compliance with current policies for rotation of armed forces overseas it is directed that in order to maintain the high standard of character of the American Soldier and to prevent any dishonor to reflect on the uniform all individuals eligible for return to the U.S. under current directives will undergo an indoctrination course of demilitarisation prior to approval of his application for return. 2. The following points will be emphasized in the subject indoctrination course:- a. In America there is a remarkable number of beautiful girls. These young ladies have not been liberated and many are gainfully employed as stenographers, sales girls, beauty operators or welders. Contrary to current practice they should not be approached with "How much?". A proper greeting is "Isn't it a lovely day?" or "Have you ever been to Chicago?". Then say "How much?". b. A guest in a private home is usually awakened in the morning by a light tapping on his door, and an invitation to join the host at breakfast. It is proper to say "I'll be there shortly". DO NOT say "Blow it out your _____". c. A typical American breakfast consists of such strange foods as cantolopes, fresh eggs, milk, ham, etc. These are highly palatable and though strange in appearance are extremely tasty. Butter, made from cream, is often served. If you wish some butter, you turn to the person nearest it and say quietly "Please pass the butter". DO NOT say "Threw me the godam grease". d. Very natural urges are apt to occur when in a crowd. If it is found necessary to defecate, one does NOT grab a shovel in one hand and paper in the other and run for the garden. At least 90% of American homes have one room called the "Bathroom", i.e. a room that, in most cases, contains a bathtub, wash basin, medicine cabinet, and a toilet. It is the latter that you will use in this case. (Instructors should make sure that all personnel understand the operation of toilet, particularly the lever or button arrangement that serves to prepare the device for reuse). e. In the event the helmet is retained by the individual, he will refrain from using it as a chair, wash bowl, foot bath or bathtub. All these devices are furnished in the average American Home. It is not considered good practice to squat Indian fashion in a corner in the event all chairs are occupied. The host usually will provide suitable seats. f. Belching or passing wind in company is strictly frowned upon. If you should forget about it, however, and belch in the presence of others, a proper remark is "Excuse me". DO NOT say "It must be that lousy chew we've been getting". g. American dinners, in most cases, consist of several items, each served in a separate dish. The common practice of mixing various items, such as corn-beef and pudding, or lima beans and peaches, to make it more palatable will be refrained from. In time the "Separate Dish" system will become enjoyable. h. Americans have a strange taste for stimulants. The drinks in common usage on the Continent, such as underripe wine, alcohol and grapefruit juice, or gasoline bitters and water (commonly known by the French as "Cognac") are not usually acceptable in civilian circles. A suitable use for such drinks is for serving one's landlord in order to break an undesirable lease. i. The returning soldier is apt to find often that his opinions differ from those of his civilian associates. One should call upon his reserve etiquette and correct his acquaintance with such remarks as "I believe you have made a mistake", or "I am afraid you are in error on that". DO NOT say "Brother, you're really f----d up". This is considered impolite. j. Upon leaving a friend's home after a visit, one may find his hat misplaced. Frequently it has been placed in a closet. One should turn to one's host and say "I don't seem to have my hat. Could you help me find it?". DO NOT say "Don't anybody leave this room, some S.O.B. has stolen my hat". k. In traveling in the U.S., particularly in a strange city, it is often necessary to spend the night. Hotels are provided for this purpose and almost anyone can give directions to the hearest hotel. Here, for a small sum, you can register and be shown to a room where he can sleep for the night. The present practice of entering the nearest house, throwing the occupants into the yard and taking over the premises will cease. l. Whiskey, a common American drink, may be offered to the soldier on social occasions. It is considered a reflection on the uniform to snatch the bottle > from the hostess and drain the bottle, cork and all. All individuals are cautioned to exercise extreme control in these circumstances. m. In motion picture theaters seats are provided. Helmets are not required. In is NOT considered good form to whistle every time a female over 8 and under 80 crosses the screen. If vision is impaired by the person in the seat in front, there are plenty of other seats which can be occupied. DO NOT hit him across the back of the head and say "Move your head, jerk, I can't see a damn thing". n. It is not proper to go around hitting everyone of draft age in civilian clothes. He might have been released from the service for medical reasons. Ask for his credentials, and if he can't show any THEN go ahead and slug him. o. Upon retiring, one will often find a pair of pajamas laid out on the bed. (Pajamas, it should be explained, are two-piece garments which are donned after all clothing has been removed.) The soldier, confronted by these garments, should assume an air of familiarity and not act as though he were not used to them. A casual remark such as "My, what a delicate shade of blue" will usually suffice. Under NO circumstances say "How in hell do you expect me to sleep in a get-up like that?". p. Natural functions will continue. It may frequently be necessary to urinate. DO NOT walk behind the nearest tree or automobile you find to accomplish this. Toilets (see 2d above) are provided in all public buildings for this purpose. q. Beer is sometimes served in bottles. A cap remover is usually available, and it is not good form to open the bottle by the use of one's teeth. r. Always tip your hat before striking a lady. s. Air raids and enemy patrols are not encountered in America. Therefore it is not necessary to wear the helmet in church or at social gatherings, or to hold the weapon at ready, loaded and cooked, when talking to civilians in the street. t. Every American home and all hotels are equipped with bathing facilities. When it is desired to take a bath, it is not considered good form to find the nearest pool or stream, strip down, and indulge in a bath. This is particularly true in heavily populated areas. u. All individuals returning to the U.S. will make every effort to conform to the customs and habits of the regions visited, and to make themselves as inconspicuous as possible. Any actions which reflect upon the honor of the uniform will be promptly dealt with. For the Commanding General: ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ What's the difference between the 80's and the 50's? In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd like some condoms," then whispers, "and some cigarettes." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ LOS ANGELES TIMES, September 14, 1987: According to a database maintained by Academic Guidance Services, there are 3,000 scholarships earmarked for golf caddies, newspaper carriers, glee clubbers, and band members. Juanita College in Pennsylvania gives grants to needy left-handers. Parents whose children were born on June 12, 1979 can plan ahead to apply for a scholarship to the Rochester Institute of Technology in honor of the school's 150th anniversary. Bucknell University gives grants to students who do not use alcohol, tobacco, or narcotics and don't engage in strenuous activities. A judge in Seattle uses the fines he collects from prostitutes to finance scholarships for their reformed sisters who want to return to school. ---------------------------------------------------- Excerpted from the Redwood City Times: The huge Shell Oil Co. toxic waste trial scheduled to gear up in San Bruno this fall has produced reams and reams of paper. So many, in fact, that the San Mateo County Clerk's office has partitioned off a room where two clerks do nothing but sort and file all those stacks of paper. They've named their space the "Shell Oil Control Center" and posted a sign outside: "Life is Shell, and then you die." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ [ Recently in comp.misc, users started describing how they had put floppies through their paces, and yet still found them readable. Some folks decided the discussion got out of hand, and I enjoyed this one. ] That reminds me of the time , a few years ago when I left home with my 5" master floppy in my pocket. Suddenly a gust of wind blew it into the road where it was run over by a passing millitary parade and it ended up in a patch of quick-drying cement. When I retrieved it the cement had set so I took it home to recover as I'd lost the backup some days previously. I chiselled off the cement from the disc but then my friend came along and suggested that, as the disc was 'dead', we should see how much damage it could take. We nailed it to the ceiling, and hung the cat from it, then used it at a dart- board, incidentally did you know that if you're a good aim, a dart will exactly fit through the index hole? By now the disc was a little bit grubby so we care- fully opened the black jacket, removed the disc and washed it in boiling water, making good use of the brillo pads. After drying it with my blowtorch I tried it in my disc drive. Nothing happened for a few seconds and then a wisp of smoke slowly rose from the slot. grabbing the disc and stamping out the flames I realised I had placed it in my toaster instead of a drive. I found a 3" drive but unfortunately the disc wouldn't fit so I had to cut off the edges until it did. Tentatively I tried to boot and... Imagine my surprise when it worked! all my files were readable, except for the ones stored in the bits I cut off to make it fit the drive. This really happened. I concluded that it only went to show. Has this happened to anyone else? ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ An old woman is riding a crowded bus and has to stand with her heavy packages. Finally, someone in front of her gives up a seat and so she grabs it. "Thank God," she says. A man in the seat behind her says "Ecxuse me comerade, but this is an athiest society. You should say 'Thank Stalin,' not 'Thank God.'" "Of course you are right," the old woman says. "Thank Stalin." She is silent for a moment, then says: "Comrade, I have just had a terrible thought: What shall we say when Stalin dies?" The man behind her replies "In that case I think we can say 'Thank God.'" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Those three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are. The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow". The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet". The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A ventriloquist in a nightclub is telling a series of [ethnic] jokes. He plays straight man while the little dummy on his knee poses the riddles and answers questions. After many of these, a doddering old man gets up from his chair and shouts, "Will you just knock it off!" Everyone in the room turns to look and the ventriloquist stops. "I'm just sick and tired of all these idiodic [ethnic] jokes that try to make [ethnic]s look so stupid! 'How many [ethnics] does it take to screw in a lightbulb?'... 'There was an Italian, a Jew and an [ethnic]...' and so on! Well just stop it, because we [ethnics] proud of our heritage, our contribution to civilization and the great intellects we have produced!" The club is silent as the old man sits down angrily. Finally, the ventriloquist, in a conciliatory tone, says, "Sir, I am really sorry to cause such an offense. I really didn't intend to hurt anybody's feelings at all. I just want everyone to have a nice time and enjoy themselves, and the last thing I want to do is make someone upset. Would you accept my apology?" The old man gets up suddenly and exclaims, "It's not *you* I'm talking to, you fool, it's that little bastard on your knee!!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Four Oxford professors (dons, whatever...) were taking their evening walk together and as usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation. On this particular evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals, such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese." One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block, and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities... At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem. A second professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the others nodded. A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'" They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your thoughts?" The fourth professor replied, "'An Anthology of Prose.'" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ``In the wake of all these computer viruses running around lately, remember that when you link your computer up with another computer you're actually linking up with every computer that the computer you've linked to has ever linked with.'' ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ TORONTO, Oct 3, 1988 - Ben Johnson was charged today with speeding. His Ferrari was clocked significantly higher than the 100km/h limit on highway 401 (similar to an interstate, but about 14 lanes wide). And no, his gasoline has not been tested for illegal additives. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ---- MEDIOCREWRITER ---- JOES GARAGE INC. 500 Bituminous Ave. Sleazonia, Ont. 3N7 N5S 1/2-sided, sloppy-sectored, 5 3/8 inch droopy disk. 39 cents. As you might expect from this program's name and price, it's a bare-bones, no-frills word processor package. What does 'bare bones' mean? For one thing, you don't get multiple screens - in fact, you get no screens at all. Joe, the program's writer, claims that in about six months an update (19 cents) will be available that'll give the program video-display capabilities. In the meantime, you'll simply have to remember what you key in. Another upgrade will enable you to type upper-case characters and numbers greater than seven. But don't let these seemingly negative comments dissuade you from buying the program. In reality, the 39 cent price makes it good value for the money. You can for, example, use the disk as a coaster for large beer mugs. What are the program's good points? It contains a 3-word spelling correction program called (predictably) MediocreSpeller. If you misspell the words A, AND, or THE, it causes your computer to shut off and locks the disk drive head on track 42. MediocreWriter's documentation is in keeping with the program's other annoying features. It consists of a barely legible mimeographed sheet with the following insruction's on it: * Turn computer on * Insert disk * Use program The program is not copy protected. Explains Joe: 'Who would want to copy it?' And it takes little memory space: 323 bytes. It's available for the Lemming/dos operating system for use on Joe's PC (available from Joe for $9.95). ASST. SYSOP'S COMMENTS: In short, MediocreWriter is Joe's latest attempt to write software that works. It doesn't pretend to be anything other than what it is: the sleeziest, most limited, bug-ridden word-processing program that exists. Joe admits, 'it stinks.' In addition to its lack of a video-display capability, it has a tendency to set computers on fire and trigger nearby automatic washing machines. It handles 21 lower-case alphabetic characters and numbers from one to six; punctuation is limited to the exclamation point. The program is interactive with Joe's other two packages: Lousycalc, a 1-column, 1-row spreadsheet; and RottenFiler, a database-management program that accepts one entry. In short, I like it! JOE'S GARAGE INC. 500 Bitumious Ave. Sleazonia, Ont. 3N7 N5S Phone 911 ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A judge, a bishop, and a conductor were having a discussion. All three were rather vain men, and their talk soon turned to the question of which of them was the greatest. "Well," said the judge, "my position is one of dignity and power. When I walk into the courtroom, the bailiff says 'All rise!' and all the people stand to pay me honor." "That's very nice," said the bishop. "People stand in your honor; but when people have an audience with me they kneel, kiss my ring, and they address me as 'Your Holiness.'" The conductor snorted and said, "I think I got you both beat; when I step onto the podium, as guest conductor, the people look down, put their hands over their eyes, and say 'Oh, my God!'" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ During a recent international sports meet , one of the Scottish track and field coaches was entertaining some friends and col- leagues in his hotel room. As so often occurs the libations were used up before it was time to end the festivities. After receiving directions to the nearest wine/liquor store, the Scottish coach departed the party. Upon arriving at the store, he noticed that there were only three or four people waiting in the queue. Immediately ahead of him were two men dressed in military fa- tigues and heavily bearded. He overhead one of them ordering several bottles of Scotch and rum. Upon being told the value of his purchases, this fatigue dressed individual told the clerk that he was with Fidel. Immediately the clerk produced a book and had the individual sign for his purchases. To say that the Scotsman was intrigued would be an understatement. The other individual in front of the Scotsman proceeded to order at least twice what his companion had ordered. Upon receipt of his total he also told the clerk that he was with Fidel. Same book, same procedure as the first fatigue clad individual. By this time the Scotsman had figured he was on to a good thing. He ordered bottles of this, that, cigars, cigarettes etc. Upon being presented with his bill he told the clerk that he was with Fidel. The clerk told him that he could not be with Fidel. "Why not?" said the indignant Scotsman. "Because you do not have the beard and the big cigar." the clerk replied. Pausing for only a moment, the Scotsman reached down, lifted up his kilt and proudly announced, "SECRET SERVICE!!!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A Frenchman, a Russian, and an Italian are in heaven discussing their respective deaths; they realize they all died because of cars. The Frenchman was making love to his girlfriend while on the highway and died in a fatal accident. The Italian drove his Ferrari so fast, he wiped out, crashed into a tree, died. The Russian saved all his rubles for a year to buy a Lada, and starved to death. ----------------- A mexican bandito asked his friend if he knows Pancho Villa. "Do I know Pancho Villa? Do _I_ know Pancho Villa?? One day after I rob bank, my pistollo is yanked from my holstero. Behind me stand Pancho Villa. He take my money, say 'Eat my doodoo.' Rather than to die, I eat his doodoo. While I eat his doodoo, I yank his pistollo. I say, 'Eat _MY_ doodoo.' Rather than to die, he eat my doodoo. You ask me if I know Pancho Villa? We had lunch together!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad news to the patients. The doctor tells the intern ``This man in 305 is going to die in six months. Go in and tell him.'' The intern boldly walk into the room and up to the man and tells him ``You're gonna die!'' The man has a heart attack and dies on the spot. The doctor quickly takes the intern aside and cautions him ``You were much too abrupt in announcing the news to that man. You've got to take it easy, work your way up to the subject. Now this man in 310 has but a week to live. Go in and tell him, but gently now!'' The intern goes softly into the room, humming to himself, cheerily opens the drapes to let the sun in, walks up to the man and tells him ``Good morning! What a wonderful day, no? Say... Guess who's going to die soon?'' ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Two hunters hire a small plane to take them to a remote area of Canada. Upon dropping off the hunters, the pilot tells them, "Remember only one moose, because the plane wouldn't be able to take off with more weight than that." The hunters go off. A week later when the plane returns to pick them up the two hunters are standing by the lake with two moose. The pilot fumes, "I told you guys only one moose, you'll have to leave one because we won't be able to take off with that much weight." "Oh, c'mon," beg the two hunters, "Last year the pilot let us take two moose on, you're just a chicken." Not wanting to be accused of being a coward, the pilot allows the two to bring both moose on the craft. The plane starts across the lake, straining to take off. The pilot tries and tries to no avail as they run out of room and the plane crashes into the trees at the end of the lake. A while later after coming to one of the hunters gets up and looks at all the scatterd debris of the wreck and says, "Where are we?" To which the other hunter replies, "Oh, I'd say about a hundred yards farther than last year." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The following is an actual letter of complaint which I grabbed off the net many years ago. Note the date sent and the prices quoted. Atlanta, Georgia September 13, 1970 Director Billing Department Shell Oil Company P.O. Box XXXX Tulsa, Oklahoma 74102 Dear Sir: I have been a regular customer of the Shell Oil Company for several years now, and spend approximately $40.00 per month on Shell products. Until recently, I have been completely satisfied with the quality of Shell products and with the service of Shell employees. Included in my most recent statement from your department was a bill for $12.00 for a tire which I purchased at the Lowell I. Reels Shell station in McAdenville, N.C. I stopped at this station for gasoline and to have a timing malfunction corrected. The gasoline cost $5.15; eight new plugs cost $9.36; labor on the points $2.50. All well and good. Earlier in the day I had a flat tire, which the attendant at the Lowell I. Reels station informed me that he was unable to fix. He suggested that I purchase a tire from him in order that I have a spare for the remainder of my journey to Atlanta. I told him that I preferred to buy tires from home station in Atlanta, but he continued to stress the risk of driving without a spare. My reluctance to trade with an unknown dealer, even a Shell dealer, did not discourage him and finally, as I was leaving, he said that out of concern for my safety (my spare was not new) and because I had made a substantial expenditure at his station, he would make me a special deal. He produced a tire ("Hits a good one. Still has the tits on it. See them tits. Hits a twenty dollar tar.") which I purchased for twelve dollars and which he installed on the front left side for sixty-five cents. Fifty miles further down the highway, I had a blowout. Not a puncture which brought a slow, flapping flat, nor a polite ladyfinger firecracker rubberburpple rupture (pop); but a howitzer blowout, which reared the the hood of my car up into my face, a blowout, sir, which tore a flap of rubber from this "tire" large enough to make soles for both sandals of a medium sized hippie. In a twinkling, then, I was driving down Interstate 85 at sixty miles per hour on three tires and one rim with rubber clinging to it in desparate shreds and patches, an instrument with a bent, revolving, steel-then-rubber-then-steel rim, whose sound can be approximated by the simultaneous placing of a handful of gravel and a young duck into a Waring Blender. The word "careen" does no justice whatever to the movement that the car then performed. According to the highway patrolman's report, the driver in the adjoining lane, the left hand-- who, incidentally, was attempting to pass me at the time-- ejaculated adrenalin all over the ceiling of his car. My own passengers were fused into a featureless quiver in the key of "G" in the back seat of my car. The rim was bent; the tits were gone; and you can f--k yourself with a cream cheese dildo if you entertain for one moment the delusion that I intend to pay the twelve dollars. Sincerely yours, ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A pastor was visiting an elderly lady who was a "shut in." Since she didn't get very many visitors, she went on incessantly about her problems while the pastor nibbled on some peanuts on the coffee table in front of him. After about a half hour, and with his endurance almost expended, he politely interrupted, explaining that he had other appointments that afternoon and said, "I'm afraid I've eaten most of your peanuts while I was listening and I would like to leave you a couple of dollars so that you can get some more." "No," replied the woman, "With my dentures I can't chew them. It's all I can do just to suck the chocolate off them." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Like many people, I have been thinking about the problem of homelessness in America's cities. Besides the obvious suffering of the homeless people, the spectacle of raggedly dressed people bent for warmth in the subways and bus stations of the cities greets visitors with a pronouncedly negative image. I have struck upon a means of eliminating the privation of the homeless while lessening the adverse impact they have on the surrounding neighborhoods. At a cost of about $250 per individual, each can be outfitted with a friendly Disney character costume. Generous insulation and bright, stain resistant colors would help to insure that the occupant remains warm inside and cheerful outside. As there are so many different characters, each participant would be able to choose which outfit most closely fits his style. This landmark project would have manifold beneficial effects. Travelers arriving at the bus and train terminals would no longer comment on how awful it is to be met with wave attacks of unkempt panhandlers. Instead, their kids could laugh and feel safe and recall fondly how Mickey greeted them upon their arrival to the Big City. Replace the heart-rending image of a woman swaddled in torn clothes crouching for shelter in a shop doorway with that of a warm and sweetly blushing Snow White settled snugly down with her pullcart of possessions in the same alcove. A societal blemish has been instantly transformed into a fantasy attraction! The boost this program could provide to the participants' sense of self-image would be tremendous. They would enjoy a strong sense of camraderie. Instead of facing a bleak street existence alone, they would belong to a happy family of playful ducks, dogs and chipmunks. This would give everybody something to be proud of. The necessity of keeping one's uniform spiffy and one's antics competitively endearing (to bolster handout revenues) would be easy and fun. And, as George Bush has observed, many of the homeless people on our streets already identify with popular cartoon figures. The transition would be painless for most everyone. Expensive and marginally effective substance abuse recovery programs could be avoided by the simple expedient of dressing addicts and drunks as either pink elephants or Dopey the dwarf. A person suffering from a nervous tic could become Pinnochio the dancing puppet boy. Persons who habitually argue with demons or devils could be suited up with muffled headpieces to squelch the sudden shouts. Creative application of the basics outlined here would enable the adminstrators of this plan to massage away almost ANY obstacle, and allow them to artfully blend these people back into society. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Don't know much about history Don't know much foreign policy Don't remember how I got through school I'm sure I didn't break the rules But what's it matter 'cause my granny says "Boy, if you want to you can be vice prez And what a wonderful world this will be" Don't know much about the women's vote Don't know much about the bill I wrote Don't know much about the foreign vets I've never voted for 'em yet But I do know if your dad tries hard He can get you in the National Guard And what a wonderful place that can be Now I never claimed to be an A student But what's wrong with C's? And maybe by knowing the names of my cabinet I can win their love for me Don't know much about air pollution Don't know much about the constitution Don't know much about th'economy It never much affected me But there's one thing that I know for sure If the rich stay rich and the poor stay poor What a wonderful world this will be Don't know much about the national debt I've never had to pay one yet If we need to we can sell the States To the Japanese at discount rates But I do know if things get bad George and I can always call my dad And what a wonderful world this will be... ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Three bulls -- a big bull, a medium sized bull, and a small bull -- were standing by a fence one day, chewing grass and looking out over the fields. The big one says, "See all of them cows out there? Half of 'em are mine." The medium sized one responds, "See all them cows? A third of them are MINE." The little bull pipes up, "Hey, all the rest of them cows are mine." After a while the bulls notice the farmer drive up with a truck and unload another bull -- the hugest Brahma bull these other bulls have ever seen. The big bull stops chewing and says, with a wide- eyed look, "He...he can have a third of my cows if he wants 'em." The medium sized bull trembles a bit when he says "He can have HALF of my cows if he wants them." Then the two bigger bulls notice that the small bull is snorting, bucking, pawing the ground, and putting on a ferocious act. "What are you doing, fool !?" they say. The small bull replies, "I want to make sure he knows I'm a bull!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Sadie Goldstein was on a safari. She was taking pictures when a huge gorilla swung down out of a tree and carried her off to his lair, where he ripped off her clothes and used and abused her in ways she had never even heard about or thought possible. Luckily, a rescue party found her while her captor was in search of a banana, and took her back to civilization. While she was recuperating in the hospital, her best friend came to visit. "Sadie! Such a terrible experience, but at least you're alive." Sadie was silent. "Sadie! Say something!" "Say? What's to say? It's been two weeks; he doesn't call, he doesn't write..." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ WHY IT'S A GOOD IDEA TO GIVE PUPPIES FOR CHRISTMAS 1. They don't require batteries 2. You don't need to assemble them the night before 3. They're cheaper than a Sega Mega Drive 4. And marginally quieter 5. They (probably) won't break by January 6. You won't get pissed off seing them greatly reduced in the Jauary sales 7. They won't be out of date 2 months later 8. You won't be worried about your kid getting epilepsy through playing with them all day 9. It'll get your kids outdoors and in the fresh air 10. If no one likes it, you can always dump it on some highway. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A fellow goes to confession and tells the priest, "Father, I've had an affair with another woman." "I see," says the priest, looking very grave. "But, I cannot grant you absolution until you tell me who she is." "Well, okay, Father," says the guy somewhat reluctantly. "Her name is Pussy Green, and she's a blonde and a knockout." The following Sunday, this gorgeous blonde makes her way down the aisle and into the front pew. The priest takes a few good looks and finally asks the altar boy, "Son, is that Pussy Green?" The altar boy stoops down and peers, then says, "No, Father, I think that's just the reflection from the stained glass windows." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ One of my favorite jokes, a telling commentary on Jewish mothers' capacity to lay on guilt, involves the mother who gave her son two neckties on Chanuka. "The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was wearing, put on one of the ties his mother had brought him, and hurried back. "Look, Mama! Isn't it gorgeous?" "Mama asked, 'What's the matter? You don't like the other one?'" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ It was the wedding night for a young couple and the groom wanted everything to be just perfect. He arranged to stay in the Honeymoon Suite of a plush hotel, and he and his new bride eagerly jumped into the heart-shaped bed to make love for the first time (at least for him). After making wild and passionate love for a considerate length of time, they both reached the climactic momement simultaneously, slipping into a state of utmost relaxation. At this point, the groom reaches for the telephone. "What on earth do you think you are doing?" asks the young bride "Well, I wanted everything to be perfect, so I thought I should call room service for a bottle of their finest champagne," came the reply "Well, I used to date Arnold Palmer, and when Arnold and I finished making love we would wait 10 minutes and make love again," the young groom was informed. "If that's what you are used to, I will be glad to comply..." And 10 minutes or so later the young couple was making wild and passionate love again. At the culmination of this second lovemaking session, the young groom reaches for the phone once again... "What on earth do you think you are doing?" asks the young bride. "Like I said before, I want this to be a special occasion, so I was going to call room service for that bottle of champagne." "Well, Arnold and I used to relax for 15 minutes or so, and then make love a third time," came her reply. So, once again, not wanting to disappoint his young bride, the groom relaxed a bit and finally was capable of making love a third time. After this third wild and passionate and somewhat time consuming session, the couple finally reaches the climactic momement and returns to a relaxed state. Once again, the groom reaches for the phone.... "What on earth do you think you are doing?" asks the young bride. "Calling Arnold Palmer to find out what's par for this hole!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ These are all true Groucho Marx anecdotes garnered from "The Portable Curmudgeon" compiled by Jon Winokur. ********************************** Groucho Marx was having problems sexually (premature ejaculation). Someone recommended a topical creme guaranteed to prolong erection. When asked later whether it worked, Groucho replied, "I came rubbing the stuff on." ********************************** A guest on Groucho Marx's "You Bet Your Life" television show was a woman who had given birth to twenty-two children. "I love my husband," the woman explained sheepishly. "I love my cigar too," Groucho said, "but I take it out once in a while." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ From the Winchendon Observer, 19 December 1988: 12 Year Old Guinness Record Holder Dead (AP) December 18, 1988 - Streetly, England - Mario Morby, a 12 year old record holder in the "Guinness Book of World Records", was killed yesterday when he asphyxiated under the weight of hundreds of thousands of postcards that accidentally toppled on him. Morby, a cancer patient currently in remission, collected the postcards from supporters all over the world who took sympathy on his condition. The bulk of Morby's collection, estimated at over 2 million with 30,000 arriving daily, was turned over to an auction house for disposal. Morby had retained about 500,000 of the nicer ones. Florida Child's Wish Come True, Inc. publicized Mario's wish for postcards. "Had we realized the trouble that we caused, we would have never gotten involved," said Frances Keefe, the founder of the Spring Hill, Florida organization that specializes in satisfying the last wishes of dying children. They used the pseudonym "David" when requesting postcards on Morby's behalf. "It makes us heartsick," Keefe continued, "to realize that we have contributed to this gentle child's death. He was in remission, and his spirits were up. Those postcards were his life." Morby's body was discovered by the family dog, who notified the district constable. Foul play is not suspected. Ross McWhirter, author of the "Guinness Book of World Records", said in a prepared statement that "it is ironic that Morby's record has been overshadowed by that of another boy named 'David' who is dying of leukemia. In tribute to Morby, however, we have decided to enter him in a new catagory in the mid-year 1989 update edition: 'Most Senseless Death'." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ