旼컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� � � � H - M A I L 1 8 . T X T � � � 突袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴� #18 presents me with a few options: Should I print out the ones I haven't, should I continue with #19, should I go crazy, should I mow the lawn, or just finish this damn thing and finally go to sleep? Hmmphff, have fun! Title: H-MAIL18.TXT (Formatted to 66 lines per page) File size: 200,636 bytes Date: 23-10-95 [Standard advert] All H-MAIL?? files are available at 旼컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴커 � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 � � The HMVH Corporation � 읕컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴켸 Bulletin Board System [+27 11] (011) 941-1341 (24 Hours) 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A city is a large community where people are lonesome together -- Herbert Prochnow Good girls stay at home, bad girls go out and get eaten. If you love something, set if free if it comes back it is yours if it doesn't, track it down and shoot it down! COWBOYS ARE BETTER LOVERS ASK ANY COW There used to be a saying: "The sun never sets on the British empire, because God doesn't trust an Englishman in the dark." The Poles have a saying about how communist governments rewrite history: "Only the future is certain; the past is always changing" "The last time I was inside a women was when I visited the Statue of Liberty." - Woody Allen 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Last week a woman entered a local pet-shop with the intention of purchasing a talking bird. However, it seems alot of people are going to receive talking parrots for Christmas this year, as the shopkeeper had sold her entire stock of speaking pets, except for one rather attractive Macaw. It turned out that this bird had lived in the local massage parlour prior to being sold to the pet-shop. Despite this the woman purchased the Macaw and took him home to show the family. As soon as she had the bird settled on a perch at her home he looked around and said: "Arrrk, new joint, new madam! Arrrk!" Later that day the woman's two daughters arrived home from high school. Upon seeing the teenagers the Macaw yelled: "Arrrk, new joint, new madam, new girls! Arrrk!" Then father came home from the office and when our feathered friend saw him the bird squawked: "Arrrk, new joint, new madam, new girls, same old customers. G'day Jimmy!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Q. Do you know what prizes the communists are now offering for recruiting new party members? A. If you get one new member, you don't pay dues. Two new members, you can quit the party. And for three, you get a certificate saying you were never a member. q: How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb? a: None. What the hell do astronomers want light bulbs for? Nasty polution producing crud. They should be exterminated. q: How many neuclear waste disposal operatives does it take to change a light bulb? a: None. When you glow in the dark who needs light bulbs? Kids are learning about sex earlier and earlier. The other day I heard : your crib or mine? q: Why did the liberal arts major cross the road? a: He got three credits for it! (Engineering forever!!!!) q: How many Athletics Scholarships does it take to change a light bulb? a: One. And he gets an A for it. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 So there was this WASP stockbroker who's favourite fantasy in- volved wild sex with an _ethnic_. One day after a drinki too many, she couldn't take it no more and picked up this lovely hunk off the neighbourhood singles bar and scurried off to safety. Urgently, she tore her clothes off and lay on her back on the bed, panting, "Come on boy, do what you do best!". He picked up the VCR and ran out the door. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 BUMPER STICKERS =============== (ON A DENTED BMW) CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE FEMALE KIND IS THERE LIFE BEFORE DEATH? COME TO CHURCH THIS SUNDAY AND AVOID THE CHRISTMAS RUSH THIS MINI SMOKES SO MUCH IT CARRIES A GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING (ON A DIRTY CAR) DON'T CLEAN - SEEDS PLANTED (ON THE DENTED REAR OF A CAR) KEEP YOUR DISTANCE - STILL TENDER I MAY MAKE MISTAKES - BUT BEING WRONG ISN'T ONE OF THEM SAY IT WITH FLOWERS - HIT HER WITH A BOUQUET CONSERVE WATER - DILUTE IT WITH ALCOHOL NEVER PUT OFF 'TILL TOMORROW WHAT YOU CAN AVOID ALTOGETHER I SPENT MY TAX REFUND ON A BUMPER STICKER JOIN THE ARMY AND KILL INTERESTING PEOPLE I'M NOT A DIRTY OLD MAN - I'M A SEXY SENIOR CITIZEN METER MAIDS LOVE MY BODY WHERE WAS I WHEN I NEEDED ME MOST? OYSTER CATCHERS DO IT WITH MUSSEL POWER PUT BRAIN IN GEAR BEFORE ENGAGING MOUTH I OWE, I OWE, IT'S OFF TO WORK I GO MY CAR'S CALLED FLATTERY... IT GETS ME NOWHERE IT'S DIFFICULT TO SOAR WITH EAGLES WHEN YOU WORK WITH TURKEYS (ON A CAR SPEWING SMOKE) CHARIOT OF FIRE I HAD A LANCIA STICKER BUT THE CAR FELL OFF CHARTERED ALCOHOLIC - BOOZNESS AS USUAL I'VE UPPED MY INCOME - UP YOURS THE TROUBLE WITH POLITICAL JOKES IS THAT THEY GET ELECTED VISIT THE USSR BEFORE THE USSR VISITS YOU HAVE WIFE - MUST TRAVEL 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 LIVING IN CAGES LINKED TO CANCER IN LABORATORY RATS AP - The federal government today released the findings of a four year study that linked living in cages to increased potential of developing cancer in laboratory rats. The study, which cost an estimated $17 Million, was started in 1983 when all the rats in a laboratory test control group contracted cancer. Spokesperson John Smith explained: "We were running a test on the possible link between excess popcorn intake and increased incidents of colon cancer. The test group consisted of twenty rats who were force fed three quarts (roughly one and a half times their body weight) of popcorn daily, a perfectly reasonable amount. The control group consisted of twenty rats who lived in cages carefully shielded from all known carcinogens. To our surprise, all twenty control rats developed cancer within six months." Mr. Smith went on to say: "We had always had some trouble with control rats contracting cancer. But as long as more of the rats in the test group than the control group got cancer, we were able to feel pretty good about condemning whatever we were testing at the time." Mr Smith was then questioned about the possibility of test results being invalid if any of the control rats developed cancer. He responded: "Yea, we had an scientist at the lab ask that once. We had to let him go though when we found out he was a member of the Audubon Society; you know, conflict of interest. He was a real trouble maker, always asking questions like: 'Wouldn't eating that much popcorn give anyone cancer?' We just didn't need that kind of a negative influence. The last thing you want in a research lab is someone asking a lot of fool questions." When asked if these results would change any previous findings Mr. Smith replied: "Why yes. This could blow our whole gig. I mean, if it's been the cages all along, this could mean that things like asbestos, smoking, even radiation are perfectly harmless!" Mr Smith continued: "This could change everything! We may be forced to recall all our previous findings at a cost of millions of dollars. This says nothing of the possible lawsuits from individuals who contracted cancer while spending time in prison, or zoo workers forced to spend extended periods inside the animal's cages." When asked why the study cost seventeen million dollars, Mr Smith responded: "Oh, you know how it goes; a little here, a little there. Besides, do you have any idea how expensive it is to provide food and living conditions for rats that doesn't expose them to any of the things we have determined to cause cancer? In fact right now we're in the middle of a two year study that may link breathing with lung cancer. You think the cost is bad now, just wait till we are forced to prevent the control rats from breathing so as not to invalidate the results by having more of the control rats get cancer than test rats." When asked if John Smith was his real name, the spokesperson replied: "Huh, what? You talking to me?" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Cartoon Laws Contributed by Trevor Paquette & Lt. Justin D. Baldwin Cartoon Law I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over. Cartoon Law II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease. Cartoon Law III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout- perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction. Cartoon Law IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful. Cartoon Law V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight. Cartoon Law VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A 'wacky' character has the option of self- replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required. Cartoon Law VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generation, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science. Cartoon Law VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify. Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container. Cartoon Law IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance. This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 My friend Bruce tells a story of when he was a teenager and he and his brother were looking at magazines in a drugstore, under a big sign that said "No Loitering". An older, female drugstore employee came up to them, said "Can't you read?", and pointedly looked up at the sign. Bruce's brother Norm--who didn't really know what loitering meant-- looked at her, looked at the sign, looked back at her, and said: "So, who's smoking?" She was so flustered that she left them alone. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 One sunday morning just before the sermon was to be given, a dignified elderly lady was telling the children a story. The story was about a robber and how they come when you least expect it. She looked at the children and said "What do you call someone who comes into your house and takes your posessions?" A childs voice which resounded throughout the church exclaimed, "I'd call him a Son-of-a-bitch!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 NEWS BULLETIN!!! Today, in a tragic accident at the Exxon corporate headquarters, the fish truck "Prince William Express" slammed into the side of the main building of the new corporate headquarters spilling more than 20 tons of dead herring, salmon, sea otters and various other wildlife on to the pristine lawn of the Exxon complex. Skipper Joe Woodhead was passed out the in the sleeper compartment of the state-of-the-art fish truck when the trusk struck the clearly-marked building. "Bobo", the skipper's dog, had thewheel at the time of the accident. Bobo, whose certification does not permit him to drive on planet earth, was unavailable for comment, and confirmed sources suggest he has a history of drug abuse. The skipper contends that he was not drunk at the time of the accident, but when he realized the seriousness of the spill he ran out to a local tavern and pounded down a half-dozen beers. Woodhead also contends that he told Bobo to give him a "Bud light", not a "hard right". The President of the Prince William Express Co. said that they would assume full responsibility for the spill and would submit a plan in about a month on the proposed clean-up procedure. He also stated that thjey ship over a million tons of seafood a year and that an accident like this is just the price we have to pay to eat fish. When asked about the clean-up equipment for such a spill, company officials commented that a small pickup with a shovel in it was in Gopher Spits, Iowa, but had a flat tire and therefore would be unable to be dispatched to the scene. On the market side of things, fish prices will increase by 20% for all species. Vice President Dan Quail flew to the texaco headquarters today and reported that there appeared to be no damage, and was returning to Washington, DC. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 The five rules of Socialism: 1. Don't think 2. If you do think, don't speak 3. If you think and speak, don't write 4. If you think, speak and write, don't sign 5. If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 These are stories and test questions accumulated by music teachers in the state of Missouri. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music. Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing. A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals. John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this. Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of. Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead. An opera is a song of bigly size. In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live happily ever after. When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting. Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel. I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say. Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said he would go a long way. And so he came to America. A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps on the odium. Morris dancing is a country survival from times when people were happy. Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago. Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and McCoys. My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby. A harp is a nude piano. A tuba is much larger than its name. Instruments come in many sizes, shapes and orchestras. You should always say celli when you mean there are two or more cellos. Another name for kettle drums is timpani. But I think I will just stick with the first name and learn it good. A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound. While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves. The double bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and bass fiddle. It has so many names because it is so huge. When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody. Question: What are kettle drums called? Answer: Kettle drums. Cymbals are round, metal CLANGS! A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard. Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both found out and got in trouble. Question: Is the saxophone a brass or a woodwind instrument? Answer: Yes. The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in the first chair of the first violins. This means that when a person is elected concertmaster, he has to hurry up and learn how to play a violin real good. For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line of flute music. You just watch. I can't reach the brakes on this piano! The main trouble with a French horn is it's too tangled up. Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be the conductor. Instrumentalist is a many-purposed word for many player-types. The flute is a skinny-high shape-sounded instrument. The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose. A contra-bassoon is like a bassoon, only more so. Tubas are a bit too much. Music instrument has a plural known as orchestra. I would like for you to teach me to play the cello. Would tomorrow or Friday be best? My favorite instrument is the bassoon. It is so hard to play people seldom play it. That is why I like the bassoon best. It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm. Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 dream(1l) NAME dream - suspend execution for an interval while executing random code in memory SYNTAX dream [-d][[-nrRsw] [time]] DESCRIPTION Dream suspends execution of the current proces for time seconds, while simulating a dream sequence by executing random segments of code in memory. All devices are paralyzed (blocked) to prevent dangerous side-effects. The options are as follows: -d daydream. code seems to be more related to the actual suspended process, and suspension will be for a limited amount of time. Attention can be restored by snapping fingers next to keyboard. -n nightmare. Repeated references to the system error logs are made during execution. -r recurring. The code of a previous execution will be re-selected for this dream. -R REM (Rapid Eye Movement). The current value of the PC is is flashed on the screen for every instruction. -s sleepwalking. Tape drives will be sent many alternating fast-forward and rewind requests and/or line printers sent many alternating carraige-return and tab codes to promote movement of machine(s) across floor. Stopping these devices may confuse the program. -w wet dream. The code is selected from the sex(1l) program. Dream will invoke automatically with the -d option when the system proves extremely slow. The relation of the randomly-executed code to the subconcious (background tasks) of the current processes is suspected but has not been proven. WARNING do not select the -w option without covering the keyboard. SEE ALSO sleep(1), sex(1l), dream(3l), alarm(3C) 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE HOMOSEXUAL ELECTRICIAN ? HE GOT WIRED TO HIS MATE....! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 In the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero; nothing. On the first day, He toggled the 0 to a 1, and the Universe was. (In those days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and "active low" signals didn't yet exist.) On the second day, God's boss wanted a demo, and tried to read the bit. This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the universe wasn't. God learned the importance of backups and memory refresh, and spent the rest of the day (and his first all-nighter) reconstructing the universe. On the third day, the bit cried "Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a sign!" And God created rev 2.0 of the bit, even better than the original prototype. Those in Universe Marketing immediately realized that "new and improved" wouldn't do justice to such a grand and glorious creation. And so it was dubbed the Most Significant Bit, or the Sign bit. Many bits followed, but only one was so honored. On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with 'add' and 'logical shift' instructions. And the original bit discovered that by performing a single shift instruction, it could become the Most Significant Bit. And God realized the importance of computer security. On the fifth day, God created the first mid-life kicker, rev 2.0 of the ALU, with wonderful new features, and said "Screw that add and shift stuff. Go forth and multiply." And God saw that it was good. On the sixth day, God got a bit overconfident, and invented pipelines, register hazards, optimizing compilers, crosstalk, restartable instructions, microinterrupts, race conditions, and propagation delays. Historians have used this to convincingly argue that the sixth day must have been a Monday. On the seventh day, an engineering change introduced [name of buggy component deleted to keep lawyers happy] into the Universe, and it hasn't worked right since. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Back in the late 1940's, when my mother was growing up in Buffalo, New York (U.S.A.), all the pubescent guys in her (Roman Catholic) church would make certain that when Confession time rolled around, it was a certain elder priest from the Old Country (Poland), whose English was not the best, who was attending the Confessionals. When Confessing, each guy would say, "Well, I diddled a little" to describe recent intimate acts with ladies. The priest, not entirely conversant with English idiom, would let this slip by, and the guy would receive a relatively light Penance. Well, one day during Confession hour, near the end of attending to a group of guys (most of whom remained in the Church afterwards, since the tendency was to arrive and leave as a group), somebody finally told the priest what was meant by the phrase "I diddled a little." The priest immediately leaped out of the Confessional and cried out, "Okay, all you diddlers, get back here!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 CONFUCIUS: MAN WITH SEX PROBLEM ON MIND , OFTEN WAKE UP WITH SOLUTION IN HAND. NO SUCH THING AS RAPE - LADY WITH DRESS UP RUN FASTER THAN MAN WITH TROUSERS DOWN. MAN WHO HAVE GIRL ON GROUND - HAVE PIECE ON EARTH. GIRL WHO HAVE IT ON HILLSIDE , IS NOT ON LEVEL. GIRL WHO DOUCHE WITH VINEGAR, HAVE SOURPUSS. NO DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MAN AND MOUSE - BOTH FALL FOR PUSSY. LOVE IS LIKE MUSIC - THREE QUARTERS SWING TIME , ONE QUARTER RAG TIME. WOMAN LIKE OVEN - MUST MAKE HOT BEFORE PUT MEAT IN. MAN WHO GO DIGGING IN OTHER MAN'S WELL SOMETIMES CATCH CRABS. STATE OF PREGNANCY EXIST WHEN GIRL TAKE SERIOUSLY SOMETHING POKED IN FUN WHEN RAPE INEVITABLE - RELAX AND ENJOY SELF. GIRL WHO SIT ON JOCKEY'S LAP GET RED HOT TIP. MAN WITH HOLE IN POCKET FEELS COCKY ALL DAY. GIRL WHO SIT ON JUDGE'S KNEE GET "HONOURABLE DISCHARGE". LINGERING KISS IS LIKE A SPIDERS WEB , BOTH END IN UNDOING OF FLY. UNWISE MAN GIVE WIFE UPRIGHT PIANO FOR PRESENT , WISE MAN GIVE WIFE UPRIGHT ORGAN. MAN WITH BIG THING HAD NO TOYS WHEN SMALL. MAN WHO PUT PENIS IN PEANUT BUTTER IS FUCKING NUTS. SECTRETARY IS NOT PART OF OFFICE FURNITURE UNLESS SCREWED ON DESK. DUCK WHO FLIES ON BACK IS BALLS UP. WOMAN WHO LIES ON BACK IS CRACK UP. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 TWO QUEERS DECIDED TO GO TO THE CATHLIC CHURCH ON THE SUNDAY TO SEE WHAT THE SERVICE IS LIKE. WHEN THE PRIEST-PARADE CAME WALKING IN THE ONE QUEER LEANT OVER AND PATTED THE GUY SWINGING THE INCENSE ON THE SHOULDER, SAYING: "EXCUSE ME DOLL, I LIKE YOUR DRAG, BUT YOUR HANDBAG'S ON FIRE". 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 PRIMER FOR HOMEOWNERS: THE ELECTRICAL SYSTEM -------------------------------------------- The most important thing to find out about the electrical system is whether it contains enough "volts", which are little tiny pieces of electricity shaped like arrows so you can tell which direction they're moving ... The standard measurement for volts is "amps", also called "watts", which travel around in what is called a "circuit" . A typical circuit works as follows: At the electrical company, fuel oil is burned to set fire to a generator, which gives off electrical energy in the form of sparks, which are put into wires and sent to your home, where the electricity waits in the wall until you turn on your toaster, at which point it rushes through the wire and into the English muffin and from there into your stomach, where it remains until a cool, dry day when you are walking down a hall scuffing your feet on a carpet and you go to open a door, causing the electricity to leap into the doorknob, where it remains forever, building up over time to tremendously high levels, which is why scientists are now concerned that some unscrupulous entity such as Libya or God forbid an adolescent male ever figures how to release this power, he could, using only the latent doorknob energy contained in a singleolder ranch-style home, vaporize Oregon. But your immediate concern, as a potential buyer, is making sure that the house has the right number of volts. Following is a chart depicting the most popular voltages currently available in the housing market: POPULAR HOME VOLTAGES 120 220 9* * Requires 9-volt battery (not included) Which voltage is right for you? This, more than anything else, is a matter of taste; and like most matters of personal taste, it is best left in the hands of a qualified interior designer. (Primary source of text: "Homes and Other Black Holes", by Dave Barry and Jeff MacNelly, Random House, New York, 1988) 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE HOMOSEXUAL UNDERTAKER.? HE WAS IN DEAD ERNEST..!!!!!! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Dear Emily Postnews Emily Postnews, foremost authority on proper net behaviour, gives her advice on how to act on the net. ============================================================================ Q: Dear Miss Postnews: How long should my signature be? -- verbose@portal A: Dear Verbose: Please try and make your signature as long as you can. It's much more important than your article, of course, so try and have more lines of signature than actual text. Try and include a large graphic made of ASCII characters, plus lots of cute quotes and slogans. People will never tire of reading these pearls of wisdom again and again, and you will soon become personally associated with the joy each reader feels at seeing yet another delightful repeat of your signature. Be sure as well to include a complete map of USENET with each signature, to show how anybody can get mail to you from any site in the world. Be sure to include ARPA gateways as well. Also tell people on your own site how to mail to you. Aside from your reply address, include your full name, company and organization. It's just common courtesy -- after all, in some newsreaders people have to type an *entire* keystroke to go back to the top of your article to see this information in the header. By all means include your phone number and street address in every single article. People are always responding to usenet articles with phone calls and letters. It would be silly to go to the extra trouble of including this information only in articles that need a response by conventional channels! Q: Dear Emily: Today I posted an article and forgot to include my signature. What should I do? -- forgetful@myvax A: Dear Forgetful: Rush to your terminal right away and post an article that says, "Oops, I forgot to post my signature with that last article. Here it is." Since most people will have forgotten your earlier article, (particularly since it dared to be so boring as to not have a nice, juicy signature) this will remind them of it. Besides, people care much more about the signature anyway. See the previous letter for more important details. Also, be sure to include your signature TWICE in each article. That way you're sure people will read it. Q: Dear Ms. Postnews: I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another site. What should I do? -- eager@beaver.dam A: Dear Eager: No problem, just post your message to a group that a lot of people read. Say, "This is for John Smith. I couldn't get mail through so I'm posting it. All others please ignore." This way tens of thousands of people will spend a few seconds scanning over and ignoring your article, using up over 16 man-hours their collective time, but you will be saved the terrible trouble of checking through usenet maps or looking for alternate routes. Just think, if you couldn't distribute your message to 9000 other computers, you might actually have to (gasp) call directory assistance for 60 cents, or even phone the person. This can cost as much as a few DOLLARS (!) for a 5 minute call! And certainly it's better to spend 10 to 20 dollars of other people's money distributing the message then for you to have to waste $9 on an overnight letter, or even 25 cents on a stamp! Don't forget. The world will end if your message doesn't get through, so post it as many places as you can. Q: What about a test message? A: It is important, when testing, to test the entire net. Never test merely a subnet distribution when the whole net can be done. Also put "please ignore" on your test messages, since we all know that everybody always skips a message with a line like that. Don't use a subject like "My sex is female but I demand to be addressed as male." because such articles are read in depth by all USEnauts. Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. What should I do? A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably be the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can. No time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if somebody else has made the correction. And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have to inform the whole net right away! Q: I read an article that said, "reply by mail, I'll summarize." What should I do? -- weemba@brahms A: Post your response to the whole net. That request applies only to dumb people who don't have something interesting to say. Your postings are much more worthwhile than other people's, so it would be a waste to reply by mail. Q: I collected replies to an article I wrote, and now it's time to summarize. What should I do? A: Simply concatenate all the articles together into a big file and post that. On USENET, this is known as a summary. It lets people read all the replies without annoying newsreaders getting in the way. Q: I saw a long article that I wish to rebut carefully, what should I do? A: Include the entire text with your article, and include your comments between the lines. Be sure to post, and not mail, even though your article looks like a reply to the original. Everybody *loves* to read those long point-by-point debates, especially when they evolve into name-calling and lots of "Is too!" -- "Is not!" -- "Is too, twizot!" exchanges. Q: How can I choose what groups to post in? A: Pick as many as you can, so that you get the widest audience. After all, the net exists to give you an audience. Ignore those who suggest you should only use groups where you think the article is highly appropriate. Pick all groups where anybody might even be slightly interested. Always make sure followups go to all the groups. In the rare event that you post a followup which contains something original, make sure you expand the list of groups. Never include a "Followup-to:" line in the header, since some people might miss part of the valuable discussion in the fringe groups. Q: How about an example? A: Ok. Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from the Oilers to the Kings. Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey would be enough. WRONG. Many more people might be interested. This is a big trade! Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy as well. If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try news.admin. If not, use news.misc. The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics. He is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also interested in stars. Next, his name is Polish sounding. So post to soc.culture.polish. But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to news.groups suggesting it should be created. With this many groups of interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as well. (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles there.) You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each group. If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders will only show the the article to the reader once! Don't tolerate this. Q: How do I create a newsgroup? A: The easiest way goes something like "inews -C newgroup ....", and while that will stir up lots of conversation about your new newsgroup, it might not be enough. First post a message in news.groups describing the group. Hold discussion for a short while, and then ask for a vote. Collect votes for 30 days. Every few days post a long summary of all the votes so that people can complain about bad mailers and double votes. It means you'll be more popular and get lots of mail. At the end of thirty days if you have 100 more yes votes than no votes you may create the group. No matter what the group, it is not necessary to get the approval of admins at backbone sites. They will be happy to create any group if it passes the above test. To liven up discussion, choose a good cross-match for your hierarchy and group. For example, comp.race.formula1 or soc.vlsi.design would be good group names. If you want your group created quickly, include an interesting word like "sex" or "bible." Q: I cant spell worth a dam. I hope your going too tell me what to do? A: Don't worry about how your articles look. Remember it's the message that counts, not the way it's presented. Ignore the fact that sloppy spelling in a purely written forum sends out the same silent messages that soiled clothing would when addressing an audience. Q: How should I pick a subject for my articles? A: Keep it short and meaningless. That way people will be forced to actually read your article to find out what's in it. This means a bigger audience for you, and we all know that's what the net is for. If you do a followup, be sure and keep the same subject, even if it's totally meaningless and not part of the same discussion. If you don't, you won't catch all the people who are looking for stuff on the original topic, and that means less audience for you. Q: What sort of tone should I take in my article? A: Be as outrageous as possible. If you don't say outlandish things, and fill your article with libelous insults of net people, you may not stick out enough in the flood of articles to get a response. The more insane your posting looks, the more likely it is that you'll get lots of followups. The net is here, after all, so that you can get lots of attention. If your article is polite, reasoned and to the point, you may only get mailed replies. Yuck! Q: The posting software suggested I had too long a signature and too many lines of included text in my article. What's the best course? A: Such restrictions were put in the software for no reason at all, so don't even try to figure out why they might apply to your article. Turns out most people search the net to find nice articles that consist of the complete text of an earlier article plus a few lines. In order to help these people, fill your article with dummy original lines to get past the restrictions. Everybody will thank you for it. For your signature, I know it's tough, but you will have to read it in with the editor. Do this twice to make sure it's firmly in there. Q: They just announced on the radio that Dan Quayle was picked as the Republican V.P. candidate. Should I post? A: Of course. The net can reach people in as few as 3 to 5 days. It's the perfect way to inform people about such news events long after the broadcast networks have covered them. As you are probably the only person to have heard the news on the radio, be sure to post as soon as you can. Q: I have this great joke. You see, these three strings walk into a bar... A: Oh dear. Don't spoil it for me. Submit it to rec.humor, and post it to the moderator of rec.humor.funny at the same time. I'm sure he's never seen that joke, and I know he loves to have jokes sent to rec.humor and rec.humor.funny at the same time. Q: What computer should I buy? An Atari ST or an Amiga? A: Cross post that question to the Atari and Amiga groups. It's an interesting and novel question that I am sure they would love to investigate in those groups. Q: What about other important questions? How should I know when to post? A: Always post them. It would be a big waste of your time to find a knowledgeable user in one of the groups and ask through private mail if the topic has already come up. Much easier to bother thousands of people with the same question. Q: What is the measure of a worthwhile group? A: Why, it's Volume, Volume, Volume. Any group that has lots of noise in it must be good. Remember, the higher the volume of material in a group, the higher percentage of useful, factual and insightful articles you will find. In fact, if a group can't demonstrate a high enough volume, it should be deleted from the net. Q: My fanzine isn't doing well in the readership surveys because it is only quarterly. What can I do? A: Simply have the articles take three months to expire, so that they always show up in the surveys. All those sites probably aren't using their disk space for anything useful, so what not use it to boost your ego? Q: What does foobar stand for? A: It stands for you, dear. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 This is an english/german dictionary of motoring terms(non-serious,this is eunet.jokes remember). The reason german was selected was because when they don't have an existing word they can sometimes assemble a new one from bits they already have. Therefore non-british people who speak english should pronounce the german phonetically. I would like to appologise to any germans offended by this gross misuse of their language,but its all done in the best possible taste. P.S. "Don't mention the war" - Basil Fawlty,Fawlty Towers. c.BBC 1975 INDICATORS Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken BONNET Pullnob und Knucklechoppen EXHAUST Spitzenpoppenhangentuben SPEEDOMETER Der Egobooster und Linenshooter CLUTCH Die Kuplink mit achlippen und schaken PUNCTURE Die Phlatt mit Bludyfucken LEARNER Die Twatten mit Elplate ESTATE CAR Der Bagzeroomfurshagginaute PARKING METER Der tennarpinscher und Zlochenarr WINDSCREEN WIPER Der flippenflappenmuckenschpredder POWER BRAKES Der edbangeronvinschreen stoppenquick GEAR LEVER Biggensticken fur Kangaroochoppen FUEL GAUGE Der Walletemptyung Meter BREATHALYSER Die Puffitinter fur Pistenarsen REAR VIEW MIRROR Der Yonkunter ist Tooklosan SEAT BELT Der klunkenklikken frauleinstrapper HEADLIGHTS Das Dippendontdazzelubasted EXHAUST FUMES Die Koffundschplitterpoluter HIGHWAY CODE Der Wipen fur Arsen FOG WARNING Die Puttenklogdownan und Fukkitt TRAFFIC JAM Die Bluddifuckin Dammundblast REAR SEAT Der Schpringentester TYRES Flatfahrts BACKFIRE Der Lowdenbangermekkenjumpen JUGGERNAUT Der Fukkengratt Trukken ACCIDENT Das Bleedinkmess NEAR ACCIDENT Der Phewn Near Schittenselfen GARAGE Der Hieway Robberung CYCLIST Der Peddallpushink Pilloken SKID Die Bannanen Waltzen DOUBLE WHITE LINES Overtaken und Krunchen. ... A collision happens when two motorists go after the same pedestrian. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow. yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid. recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat the rest of. porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid", "hORRId" and "sluDGE". preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed. oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry. microwave oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment. calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food. arab coffee: Thick, black, bitter coffee, traditionally served in tiny cups at gunpoint. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 ROMAN CENTURION TO JEWISH SLAVES ON ROMAN SLAVE GALLEY.. "TODAY WE HAVE GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS," "FIRST THE GOOD NEWS : YOU WILL ALL BE HAVING ROAST BEEF, ROAST POTATOES,VEGETABLES AND PLENTY OF PUDDINGS." "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAA", ROARED THE JEWS "NOW THE BAD NEWS : THE EMPORER WANTS TO GO WATER SKI-ING THIS AFTERNOON",REPLIED THE CENTURION. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 I was looking for a friend's apartment in Trenton and was highly lost. I'd taken the bus and had no idea where I was going - what I did know was that gentrification had not reached this portion of the city. The neighborhood was completely devoid of pasta vending shops with ferns in the windows. There were yellow caution signs on the roadside that read "Caution Rough Neighborhood". Being a Republican, I didn't stop off somewhere to ask for directions, but instead stayed the course. I soon found myself in a dark, remote alleyway. A shadow separated itself from the trash lining the walls, and it was wearing a gang jacket. "Yo! Got any spare change, man?", he inquired brusquely. "Heh heh. I was going to ask you the same thing." I gulped in an effort at offhandedness. It failed miserably and more figures suddenly appeared from points around the compass I wasn't carrying. They were all gang members. You could practically SEE the exclamation point appear over my head. I started to hum. Right away, this tipped them off that I was not taking this encounter well at all, because I wasn't humming with my mouth. Rather, my whole frame had begun to resonate like a tuning fork. "Maybe he's got some spare BILLS!" exclaimed one as he took out an alleycat I could have sworn was too large to be concealed. The mass of them closed in on me. Unless they instituted affirmative action principles in their gang recruiting, I guessed that they were not about to initiate me into their little clique. I was audibly perspiring. I saw they had crossed the line. It was time to take action to defend myself - to stand up for RIGHT in a fit of violent derring-do. I gulped once more at the lump in my throat and pulled out my 9mm Schnauzer, Ruger. In one fluid, practiced motion, my thumb switched the safety from the "Heel" position and I let off a warning shot. "ARF!" said Ruger. A large, even integral number of eyes widened in surprise as the toughs stopped their advance to ponder this unexpected development. "Drop the cat!" I demanded, but the cat was already scampering away yowling. As an aside, I'd better take a little time to explain the history of the Schnauzer and Ruger in particular. The Schnauzer was first developed in the Krupp Kennels in Hamburg back in World War I to answer a developing need for a small dog for use in the trenches where larger dogs such as the battle-proven Rottweiler could prove too cumbersome. The British already had such a weapon in their Dobie (pronounced "doughboy") and the Germans had nothing to counter it. The 9mm auto-Schnauzer was the first effective response. Small, mean, and outfitted with a dripping set of large ivories, a Schnauzer was highly devastating at short ranges and could clear a bunker in about ten seconds if you could squeeze him in the fireport. Even after the war was lost, the Schnauzer proved to be a popular instrument of home and personal defense. Hitler's Beer Hall Putsch might have been a success if he hadn't been obliged to check his Schnauzer at the door as no dogs were allowed in the bar. Snubnosed and jam proof, it was widely copied by breeders from around the world and remains a popular model among collectors today. I'd had Ruger since he was a pup - he was my first dog. I remember Mom didn't want to have a dog in the house at all. But Dad gave him to me and taught me how to clean him and handle him safely. It took some time to overcome my fear of such a dangerous possession, but soon enough I was out in the woods killing chipmunks and squirrels with Ruger. I wrote articles for dog magazines whenever I could and went to shows with Ruger and was QUITE an enthusiast. He was always at my side, faithful and ready to defend me if the time for such ever arose. I even slept with him at the foot of my bed. The echoes of that warning shot reverberated from the alley's walls and I could see the resolve of my would-be attackers melting before my eyes. (It was such a feeling of POWER!) I kept Ruger's muzzle pointed at the roughneck who had issued the most direct threats. I was shaking as much as they were. "The jig is up!" I cried, immediately disappointed in myself for scarfing that corny line for such a pregnant moment. I made a mental note to alter that little bit of this saga if I lived to relate it at the weekly NDA meeting in Princeton. "I think we're going to take a little walk down to the station, my friends." Hee hee - "Don't mess with me, you doody-bunchers," I thought to myself as I revelled in the awesome control I'd established over these crooks. I swear I had what seemed to be the entire East Coast chapter of Satan's Pimps quaking at my disposal. But then something terrible happened. The humiliation of the proposed trip was too much for the ringleader to consider. Before I could react, he presented a scruffy Pit Bull and said, "Waste the fucker, Tyrone!" My life flashed in front of my eyes without commercial interruption as Tyrone tensed to spring... and JAMMED! The mangy little fluffball sat down and scratched his gonads. I yelled out "Freeze!" and had them kick the cur over to me. I examined him for a minute. It was just SO typical. Pit Bulls are giving dog owners a bad name and it's no wonder. Real dog owners call them Saturday Night Specials - they're cheap, simple (I mean SIMPLE), and dangerous. Tyrone here was unkempt and probably without any license whatsoever. Poor folk use them for protection or to commit tiny street crimes (this story being a case in point). They never brush them or clean them [Tyrone's scratching was probably parasites] and so you're just ASKING for a jam. As often as not, the owner himself winds up being bitten. I took the dog - he was going to impounded and destroyed. With disgust I noticed that this dog had a scar showing he'd been fixed to be fully automatic. Playing with fire, there, pal. So it all came out in the wash. You know the story - Tyrone was destroyed and the slimy punks were probably on the street later that night. If the No-Dogs-Allowed lobby had taken Ruger from me, who knows how this might have turned out? 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Q: Why do the marines send three men out on a patrol? A: One to read the map and two to guard the intellectual. Q: What do you call a Texas man with a sheep under his arm? A Newlywed. Q: What do you call a Texas man with two sheep under his arms?? A1: A bigamist. A2: A pimp. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Some excerpts from the _Quarterly Review of Doublespeak_ (NCTE) which you all should find amusing: A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill his wellness potential." Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors." The letter from the Air Force colonel in charge of safety said that rocket boosters weighing more than 300,000 pounds "have an explosive force upon surface impact that is sufficient to exceed the accepted overpressure threshold of physiological damage for exposed personnel." In other words, if a 300,000-pound booster rocket falls on someone, he or she is not likely to survive. A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti- personnel devices." You probably call them bombs. At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired. A personal ad from an unidentified mewspaper announces that a "for- merly single man" seeks a single or married woman. After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it) only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously sent him. The description on the package of Stouffer's Veal Tortellini with Tomato Sauce says it contains "exquisite egg pasta." The list of ingredients, however, includes "cooked noodle product." In St. Louis there is an oriental rug store that advertizes "semi- antique" rugs. The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school gradu- ation. According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22, 1987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm." Their "farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year. But as a "family farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year. Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency. It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chrono- logically experienced citizens." According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was just a case of "uncontained blade liberation." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 SEX(6) EUNUCH Programmer's Manual SEX(6) NAME sex - have sex SYNOPSIS sex [ options ] ... [ username ] ... DESCRIPTION _\010s_\010e_\010x allows the invoker to have sex with the user(s) speci- fied in the command line. If no users are specified, they are taken from the LOVERS environment variable. Options to make things more interesting are as follows: -1 masturbate -a external stimulus (aphrodisiac) option -b buggery -B bestiality with -c chocolate sauce option -C chaining option (cuffs included) (see also -m -s -W) -d get a date with the features described in -e exhibitionism (image sent to all machines on the net) -f foreplay option -F nasal sex with plants -i coitus interruptus (messy!) -j jacuzzi option (California sites only) -l leather option -m masochism (see -s) -M triple parallel (Menage a Trois) option -n necrophilia (if target process is not dead, program kills it) -o oral option -O parallel access (orgy) -p debug option (proposition only) -P pedophilia (must specify a child process) Printed 2/15/87 2/15/87 1 SEX(6) EUNUCH Programmer's Manual SEX(6) -q quickie (wham, bam, thank you, ma'am) -s sadism (target must set -m) -S sundae option -v voyeurism (surveys the entire net) -w whipped cream option -W whips (see also -s, -C, and -m) ENVIRONMENT LOVERS is a list of default partners which will be used if none are specified in the command line. If any are specified, the values in LOVERS is ignored. FILES /usr/lib/sex/animals animals for bestiality /usr/lib/sex/blackbook possible dates /usr/lib/sex/sundaes sundae recipes /usr/lib/sex/s&m sado-masochistic equipment BUGS ^C (quit process) may leave the user very unsatisfied. ^Z (stop process) is usually quite messy. MAN AUTHOR Author prefers to be anonymous. HISTORY Oldest program ever. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 During the war an officer got caught getting sucked off by a female spy. Later he was court martialed for insertion in the face of the enemy. Q: What's the ultimate in trust? A: Two cannibals doing 69. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 WHY DON'T ITALIANS EAT FLEAS...? BECAUSE THEY CAN'T GET THEIR LITTLE LEGS APART... WHY DON'T ITALIANS HAVE FRECKLES...? THEY SLIDE OFF...! WHAT IS THE NATIONAL BIRD OF ITALY ? THE FLY... WHAT IS THE SMALLEST REGIMENT IN THE ITALIAN ARMY.? THE 1ST VOLUNTEERS..! HOW DO YOU GIVE YOUR CAR A GREASE-UP AND AN OIL CHANGE.? RUN OVER AN ITALIAN...! HOW DO YOU TELL WHEN AN ITALIAN HAS DROWNED AT THE SEASIDE.? BY THE OIL SLICK ON THE WATER...! HOW CAN YOU TELL THE DIFERENCE BETWEEN ITALIAN SEWERS AND OURS.? ITALIAN SEWERS HAVE DIVING BOARDS...! WHAT IS A MAN WITH HIS HANDS IN THE AIR.? AN ITALIAN COMMANDO TRAINING FOR WORLD WAR III...! HOW DO YOU CLEAN UP AFTER AN ITALIAN WEDDING.? FLUSH THE PUNCH-BOWL...! HOW DO RECOGNISE AN ITALIAN TANK ..? IT HAS ONE FORWRD AND NINE REVERSE GEARS (THE FORWARD GEAR IS IN CASE OF A REAR ATTACK...!) WHY ARE THERE HOLES IN AN ITALIAN'S COFFIN..? SO THAT THE WORMS CAN GET OUT AND PUKE...! WHAT IS IT THE ITALIAN'S HATE ABOUT SHIT SANDWICHES..? THE BREAD...! WHAT HAPPENS WHEN AN ITALIAN HOUSE-WIFE DOESN'T PAY THE GARBAGE BILL? THEY DON'T SEND HER ANYMORE. WHAT DID THE ITALIAN HOUSE-WIFE SAY TO THE GARBAGE MAN ? TWO BINS PLEASE. HOW DO YOU TELL IF IT'S AND ALITALIA AEROPLANE.? BY THE HAIRS UNDER IT'S WINGS.! LUIGI : " TELL ME MARIO , WOULD YOU MAKEA DA LOVE TO A WOMAN THATA WEIGHS 350 POUNDSA , HASA TERRIBLE SKINA PROBLEM , STINKA LIKA PIGA AND DOESN'TA KNOW WHATA SOAPA ISA ? " MARIO : " NO , I WOULD NEVERA MAKA DA LOVE WID A WOMANA LIKA DAT." LUIGI : " THEN WHY YOU SCREWA MY WIFE ? " WHAT DOES AN ITALIAN PROSTITUTE GIVE HER DAUGHTER FOR HER SIXTEENTH BIRTHDAY ? THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STREET. THE WORLD'S THINNEST BOOK : ITALIAN BOOK OF WAR HEROES. THE WORLD'S THICKEST BOOK : ITALIAN BOOK OF VICTORY SPEECHES. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 HEARD ABOUT THE RABBI WHO... FOUND A PILE OF LITTLE PIECES OF LEATHER IN HIS DESK DRAWER. SO HE HAD THEM MADE INTO A HANDBAG FOR HIS WIFE. SHE REALLY LOVED IT BECAUSE EVERY TIME SHE STROKED IT IT TURNED INTO A SUITCASE...! JEW GETS CORNERED AT A COCKTAIL PARTY BY A CRUNCHIE. "WHY DO YOU JEWS ALWAYS ANSWER A QUESTION WITH A QUESTION?" ASKED THE CRUNCHIE. "WHY NOT?" WAS THE REPLY. 'HELLO', SAID ONE MARTIAN TO THE OTHER, 'I'M ZX7493826, WHAT'S YOUR NAME ?' 'NV6398201', CAME THE REPLY. 'THAT'S FUNNY', SAID THE FIRST, 'YOU DON'T LOOK JEWISH'. 'ABIE' SHE SAID FOR THE THOUSANDTH TIME, 'I WANT TO BATH IN GOATS MILK'.'PLEASE GET SOME FOR MINE BIRTHDAY'. 'GOTT RACHEL' ABIE REPLIED,'YOU KNOW IT'S NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO BUY THAT MUCH GOATS MILK, BUT HAVE READ IN MINE MAGAZINE THAT A NICE DROP WHISKEY WILL DO NEARLY AS GOOD' SO SHE SAYS WHISKEY WILL DO AND HE BUYS A BARREL WHOLESALE AND POURS HER BATH. 'REMEMBER THOUGH, I MAKE ONE CONDITION', HE SAID 'NO USING SOAP'. 'O.K.' SHE REPLIED AND SHOOED HIM OUT THE BATHROOM. IMMEDIATELY HE RUSHED DOWN TO THE CELLAR AND DISCONNECTED THE BATH PIPE AND REDIRECTED IT BACK INTO THE EMPTY BARREL. AFTER HER BATH SHE FOUND ABIE DOWN IN THE CELLAR CRYING HIS EYES OUT WITH THE BARREL FULL TO THE BRIM AND HIM STANDING THERE WITH ABOUT A QUARTER PINT EXTRA IN A GLASS. 'THANK YOU ABIE' SHE SAID 'BUT WHAT'S THE MATTER ?' 'RACHEL' HE SAID LOOKING FIRST AT THE GLASS THEN AT HER 'HOW COULD YOU ?' JEWISH EASTER HYMN ... 'OY VAY MARIA'. GERMAN COMMANDER TO THE PRISONERS OF WAR. "TODAY WE SHALL PLAY SCHPORTS," "BRITISHERS VILL PLAY FOOTBALL ON FIELD A." "AMERICANERS VILL PLAY BASEBALL ON FIELD B." "SOUTH AFRIKAANERS VILL PLAY RUGBY ON FIELD C." "JEWS VILL PLAY HOP-SCOTCH ON ZE MINE FIELD..!" GERMAN COMMANDER TO THE JEWISH PRISONERS. "JEWS , TODAY WE SHALL PLAY SQUASH," "HANS , FETCH THE STEAM-ROLLER..!" GERMAN COMMANDER TO THE JEWISH PRISONERS. "JEWS , TODAY WE SHALL HAVE COOKING LESSONS" "LAST ONE IN ZE OVEN , CLOSE ZE DOOR..!" GERMAN COMMANDER TO THE JEWISH PRISONERS.. "PRISONERS TODAY VE VILL HAVE A CHANGE OFF UNDERPANTS," "ODD NUMBER BLOCKS VILL CHANGE VIS EVEN NUMBERED BLOCKS..!" HEARD ABOUT THE SHORT-SIGHTED RABBI ? HE GOT THE SACK. GERMAN COMMANDER TO JEWISH PRISONERS .. "JEWS TODAY I HAF GOOT NEWS UND BAD NEWS," "FIRST ZE GOOT NEWS : HALF OFF YOU VILL BE GOING HOME UND ZE" "UZZER HALF VILL BE GOING TO SIBERIA." "NOW ZE BAD NEWS : ZE TOP HALF VILL BE GOING HOME UND" "ZE BOTTOM HALF VILL BE GOING TO SIBERIA..!" LITTLE JEW BOY GETS BORN WITHOUT EYELIDS. MOTHER ASKS THE DOC 'IS THERE ANY CURE FOR THAT ?' 'OH YES' REPLIES THE SURGEON 'WHAT WE TAKE OFF THE BOTTOM WE WILL SIMPLY ADD TO THE TOP.' 'BUT WON'T THAT MAKE HIM COCK-EYED ?' ASKED THE MOTHER. 'NO' SAID THE SURGEON 'BUT IT MIGHT GIVE HIM SOME FORESIGHT.' 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 WHY WAS THE LEPER EXPELLED FROM THE LEPER COLONY..? HE WAS CAUGHT DIPPING HIS BREAD IN ANOTHER LEPER'S HEAD AT THE BREAK-FAST TABLE.. HOW DID THE LEPER ESCAPE FROM THE LEPER COLONY..? HE LEFT IN BITS AND PIECES..! HOW DID THE LEPER ESCAPE FROM THE LEPER COLONY..? HE OOOZZZED OUT OF THE FENCE..! WHY DID THE LEPER PROSTITUTE LEAVE THE LEPER COLONY..? BUSINESS KEPT ON DROPPING OFF..! WHY DID THE HOMOSEXUAL LEPER LEAVE THE LEPER COLONY..? SOME BUM WENT AND SPLIT ON HIM..! WHY WAS THE TELEPHONE BOOTH REMOVED FROM THE LEPER COLONY..? BECAUSE THERE WERE TOO MANY FINGERS WALKING IN THE YELLOW PAGES..! A BLOKE WENT TO THE MOVIES ONE DAY AND WHILE EATING HIS PACKET OF TOMATO FLAVOURED CHIPS,HE REALISED THE CONTENTS THEREOF WEREN'T DEMINISHING AT ALL. HE STARTED TO SURVEY HIS SURROUNDINGS WHEN HE HAPPENED TO GLANCE UP. THERE DIRECTLY ABOVE HIM SAT A LEPER LEANING OVER THE BALCONY PULLING OF HIS SCABS AND LETTING THEM FALL BELOW .....(YUMMY,BUT SICK HEY) DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE LEPERS PLAYING CARDS.? ONE LEPER HAD HAD ENOUGH,SO HE THROUGH HIS HAND IN, AND ANOTHER LAUGHED HIS HEAD OFF..! WHY DID THE CAFE CLOSE IN THE LEPER COLONY.? THERE WERE TOO MANY FINGERS IN THE PIE..! WHY DID THE LEPER FAIL HIS DRIVING TEST..? HE LEFT HIS FOOT ON THE CLUTCH...! HOW DO MAKE AN INSTANT SKELETON...? PLACE A LEPER IN A WIND TUNNEL...!! WHAT IS THE TOP OF THE POPS IN THE LEPER COLONY..? FOOT LOOSE...! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 MAD'S GUIDE TO COMPUTER LANGUAGE: written by: Charlie Kadau Taking a term for the worse dept. from the no. 258 October 1985 issue of MAD MAGAZINE (article borrowed from an American computer bulletin board.) BIT: A word used to describe computers, as in "Our son's computer cost quite a bit." BOOT: What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skills. BUG: What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer screen for more than 15 minutes. ALSO: What computer magazine companies do to you after they get your name on their mailing list. CHIPS: The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals. COPY: What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time at the computer and not enough time studying. CURSOR: What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform, as in "You $#%&@% computer!" DISK: What goes out in your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip. DUMP: The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install your computer. ERROR: What you made the first time you walked into a computer showroom to "just look." EXPANSION UNIT: The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals. FILE: What your secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours a day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes. FLOPPY: The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see "Chips"). HARDWARE: Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer. IBM: The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again. MENU: What you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant. MONITOR: Often thought to be a word associated with computers, this word actually refers to those obnoxious kids who always want to see your hall pass at school. PROGRAMS: Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up to it. RETURN: What lots of people do with their computers after only a week and a half. TERMINAL: A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers. WINDOW: What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 SHE WAS AN ANGEL UNTIL SHE SWAPPED HER HARP FOR AN UPRIGHT ORGAN. IT IS AN ESTABLISHED FACT THAT A SMITH AND WESSON BEATS FOUR ACES. HEARD ABOUT THE CANNIBAL WHO PASSED HIS FRIEND ? SHAMPOO TWELVE AND SIX, REAL POO FORTY FIVE BOB. THE CONSTABLES DAUGHTER LET THE POLICE INSPECTOR ? WHEN I WAS BORN I WAS SO ROTTEN THAT THE DOCTOR SLAPPED MY MOTHER. THE WINDOW CLEANER SCARED THE BOSS RIGHT OUT OF HIS SECRETARY. THE FARMER COUNLDN'T KEEP HIS HANDS OFF HIS WIFE SO HE FIRED THEM ALL. GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES.....BECAUSE BLONDES KNOW WHAT GENTLEMEN PREFER. HE CHASED HIS GIRL FRIEND UP A TREE AND KISSED HER BETWEEN THE LIMBS. THE SULTAN HAD TEN WIVES.......NINE OF THEM HAD IT PRETTY SOFT. GIRLS WITH NEGATIVE QUALITIES CAN OFTEN BE DEVELOPED IN A DARK ROOM. I DIDN'T KNOW WHETHER TO SHIT OR GO BLIND. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE HOMOSEXUAL JUDGE..? HE TRIED THE ACCUSED ON THE BENCH..! HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE HOMESEXUAL COWBOY..? HE RODE INTO TOWN AND SHOT-UP THE SHERIFF..! PHSYCIATRIST: "BRUCE,I'VE GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS FOR YOU, THE BAD NEWS IS,YOU ARE A HOMOSEXUAL." BRUCE: "DOCTOR,WHAT'S THE GOOD NEWS." PHSYCIATRIST: "I LOVE YOU.." WHO FIRST BROUGHT AIDS INTO THE COUNTRY...? A BUM....!!! WHAT DO YOU CALL A HOMOSEXUAL WHO HASN'T GOT AIDS....? SMART ARSE....! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Monthly Employee Evaluation Name: _______________________________________________________ Date: __/__/____ ============================================================================== Knowledge: ___ The son of a bitch really knows his shit. ___ Knows just enough to be dangerous. ___ Only half a brain and is dangerous. ___ Fucking brain dead. His coffee cup has a higher IQ. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Accuracy: ___ Does excellent work if not preoccupied with pussy. ___ Pretty good. Only occasionally blows it out his ass. ___ Has to take his shoes off to count higher than ten. ___ Couldn't count his balls and get the same number twice. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Attitude: ___ Extremely cooperative (if you kiss his ass frequently). ___ Brown noser in good standing. ___ Often pisses off co-workers. Thinks he owns the place. ___ Doesn't give a shit. Never did, never will. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Reliability: ___ Really a dependable little cocksucker. ___ Works so hard that he must take an extra day off each week. ___ Can rely on him to be the first one out the door. ___ Totally fucking worthless. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Appearance: ___ Extremely neat. Even combs his pubic hair. ___ Looks great on his day off. ___ Flies leave fresh dog shit to follow him. ___ Dirty, filthy, smelly son of a bitch. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Performance: ___ Goes like a son of a bitch if there's money in it for him. ___ Does all kinds of good shit at evaluation time. ___ Works well after an enema. ___ Couldn't do less if he were in a coma. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Leadership: ___ Carries a chainsaw and gets good results. ___ Macho attitude. Commands total disgust. ___ Dog fasted three days last time he brought home pork chops. ___ Mother Teresa told him to get fucked. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I understand that I have been evaluated and understand my rights under the privacy act of 1974. I further acknowledge that I am fucked up as a football bat and will make an effort to correct my deficiencies. _______________________________ Employee's Signature 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 NCM(1) (Essential Fluids) NCM(1) NAME ncm - new coffee maker SYNOPSIS ncm [ -RadCxmlnogrtucpFbqisf ] [caf|decaf|columbian] DESCRIPTION For each available heating unit, ncm determines if coffee exists, is hot, and is not tar(4). If any of these are true, the necessary actions are taken to change the situation as required, or as specified by the environment variable BURNERS. ncp then gathers the necessary material and proceeds. The -M option makes coffee in the morning. The drinkinfo(4) database is used to determine the blend and the amount of caffeine, based on the environment variables DRINK, TZ, and the current time. If this information cannot be obtained, full strength Maxwell House is assumed. The ncm command has many, many more than the following options, not all of which are currently supported. Some may never be supported. We are really busy here, and we will try to get around to it as soon as possible, but Doc is breathing down my neck to get something else done, so you will just have to be patient!: -R Recursively make coffee until all resources are exhausted. -a Generate aroma only. -l The same as -n except slower. -d Brew decaf. Will not operate before 10:30 am. -n The same as -l -j Use Jamaica Blue Mountain primo special. This can only be executed by coffeadmin. -r Reverse the order of brewing to get newest first or oldest first as appropriate. -v Execute the vgrind(1) program before proceeding for a fresher brew. EXAMPLES ncp -ldm NOW! Make lots of coffee now! FILES /etc/grinder /etc/filter SEE ALSO tee(1), coke(1), sync(1). NOTES The ncm command may be used as a filter. BUGS Ick. I hope not. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Sure, Flying is ... DUCK! ... Safe by Dave Barry As the spokesperson for the airline industry, I wish to assure you, the flying public, that there is nothing to be alarmed about. Nothing! Despite the disturbing headlines you may have seen in the newspapers (PLANE CRASHES, ANOTHER PLANE CRASHES, YOUR PLANE IS GOING TO CRASH, etc.) Statistics prove that when you're riding in a commercial aircraft seven miles above the Earth's surface, you're actually three times as safe as when you're riding in an automobile seven miles above the Earth's surface! Oh, sure, there have been problems. Don't think we haven't noticed that large chunks of our airplanes have been falling off in midair. One minute the pilot is telling the passengers on the left side of the aircraft that they can see the Grand Canyon, and the next minute the left side of the aircraft is *in* the Grand Canyon. You will be relieved to hear that this is *not* industry poli- cy. Our new motto, in commercial aviation, is "Only Non-Essential Parts Should Fall Off During Flight," and these proud words are backed by a long-term commitment from whoever actually owns the airline industry this week. We think it's the Pizza Hut corpora- tion, although there are rumors that Mr. Lester ("The Bidet King") Weeberhocker has purchased it as a graduation present for his daughter, Tami. But the point is that the people at the top of the airline industry, whoever they are, are committed to your safety, and this commitment extends right on down to our dedicated workers, who... LOOK OUT! Sorry. Unfortunately, at the moment the airline industry is experiencing a certain amount of labor unrest in the form of dedicated workers throwing heavy objects through our windows. But we can assure you, the flying public, that... HEY! THOSE ARE ENGINE PARTS THEY'RE THROWING! YOU WORKERS PUT THOSE BACK WHERE YOU FOUND THEM RIGHT NOW!! Excuse me. As I was saying, we can assure you flying public that you are getting the safest airline service that is humanly possible given the fact that we all hate each other's guts. Also, our airplanes are very old. Many of them have whalebone fuselages. Oh, we do what we can. On those rare occasions when no labor unrest is scheduled, we have maintenance workers thor- oughly examine the airplanes, and whenever they find a crack large enough for an infant to fall through, they patch it with the hardest, most durable material known to man: the airline omelet. But frankly it's a losing battle, because these planes have been subjected to decades of continuous vibration and pounding caused by the person who always sits directly behind me and drums for the entire flight on his drop-down tray table. You know who you are. Oh, you've tried to disguise yourself -- sometimes as a businessperson, sometimes as a child, once even as a priest -- but I know it's you, because there cannot be two people on this Earth with the hand strength necessary to drum non-stop all the way from Los Angeles to New York, even at 3:30 in the morning when everyone else on the plane is asleep, including the pilot. Fine. Go ahead and pound on our decaying airplanes. Go ahead and leave your gum wads on our seats. But would you mind at least following some simple instructions? Would that be too much trou- ble for you, the flying public? Specifically, when we load the plane, we do it by row number, starting at the back, because anyone with the IQ of suet can grasp that this is the most effi- cient way, right? Wrong! The flying public *cannot* grasp this. When we make our "pre-boarding" announcement, which we clearly state is *only* for people who have small children or need special assistance, all of a sudden it is the Oklahoma Land Rush, as hundreds of adult passengers -- most of them (you know who you are) healthy enough to play linebacker for the Chicago Bears -- barge onto the airplane and block the aisles for days at a time while they stuff the overhead storage compartments with their suitcases, steamer trunks, major appliances, lawn furniture, etc. One day, just for a prank, we're going to make the "pre-bording" announcement before the plane is actually at the gate, and then we're going to stand around swigging liquor from those little airline bottles while all you Oklahoma Sooners, clutching your "carry-on" luggage, go hurtling off the end of the gangway HAHAHA- HAHA. Whew! I feel a lot better now, don't you? In fact, I'd like to continue reassuring you about the airline industry, but right now I have to attend a meeting with our new owner, Miss Tami Weeberhocker, who has this nifty idea for saving money by reducing the number of costly whadyacallems per plane. Wings. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 I found this floating around here at CRAY Reasearch. Minn. (UPI) - Analysts for the long-awaited, and much-heralded CRAY-7 SuperSuperSuperComputer met today in Minneapolis to discuss telecommunica- tion issues for the new machine. The CRAY-7, scheduled for delivery early next year, features a 6.5 psec(picosecond) cycle time on each of its 4096 processors, which share a 64 Kbank memory, each bank to hold 256 Gigawords of 128 bits each. CRAY Research has announced that the CRAY-7 will be cooled by submerging the entire 2.4 cubic inch spherical mainframe in the ice-moon Io, off the southern coast of Saturn. When operational under the MULTI-CUE(TM) Operating System, the CRAY-7 will simultaneously support interactive access for every man woman and child on Earth with guaranteed response time of 14.5 msec(microsecond) or better, while running real work on its 4096 background processors. Power for the new system will be ob- tained by running a drop cord from Io to well in- side the orbit of Mercury, where the intensity if the Solar flares can be converted to HyperElectri- city. The Rings of Saturn will act as a secondary storage device (a.k.a. Rotating Mass Storage) for the CRAY-7. It is reported that much of the CRAY-7 CPU- time will be devoted to the design of the CRAY-10. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 This is an actual essay that a guy used to get himself accepted at NYU 2 or 3 years ago. The author of this essay, Hugh Gallagher, now attends NYU. 3A. ESSAY IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON? I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to college. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 PACHYDERMIC PERSONNEL PREDICTION by Peter C. Olsen A bold new proposal for matching high-technology people and professions Over the years, the problem of finding the right person for the right job has consumed thousands of worker-years of research and millions of dollars in funding. This is particularly true for high-technology organizations where talent is scarce and expensive. Recently, however, years of detailed study by the finest minds in the field of psychoindustrial interpersonnel optimization have resulted in the development of a simple and foolproof test to determine the best match between personality and profession. Now, at last, people can be infallibly assigned to the jobs for which they are truly best suited. The procedure is simple: Each subject is sent to Africa to hunt elephants. The subsequent elephant-hunting behavior is then categorized by comparison to the classification rules outlined below. The subject should be assigned to the general job classification that best matches the observed behavior. CLASSIFICATION GUIDLINES Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left. Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise. Professors of mathematics will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students. Computer scientists hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A: 1. Go to Africa. 2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope. 3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west. 4. During each traverse pass, a. Catch each animal seen. b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant. c. Stop when a match is detected. Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate. Assembly language programmers prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees. Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant. Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves. Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant. Consultants don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do. Operations research consultants can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants. Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them. Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings. Software lawyers will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping. Vice presidents of engineering, research, and development try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does see a nonprehunted elephant, the staff will (1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and (2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence. Senior managers set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices. Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep. Salespeople don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens. Software salespeople ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant. Hardware salespeople catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants. VALIDATION A validation survey was conducted about these rules. Almost all the people surveyed about these rules were valid. A few were invalid, but they are expected to recover soon. Based on the survey, a statistical confidence level was determined. Ninety-five percent of the people surveyed have at least 67 percent confidence in statistics. ACKNOWLEDGMENT This study has benefited from the suggestions and observations of many people, all of whom would prefer not to be mentioned by name. ... I have a memory like an elephant. In fact, elephants often consult me. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 HAVE YOU HEARD THE HOMOSEXUAL MAGICIAN ? HE DISAPPEARED WITH A PUFF...! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy": "The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry and Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why and Where phases. "For instance, the first phase is characterized by the question 'How can we eat?' the second by the question 'Why do we eat?' and the third by the question 'Where shall we have lunch?'" "The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." "There must be some mistake," he said, "are you not a greater computer than the Milliard Gargantubrain which can count all the atoms in a star in a millisecond?" "The Milliard Gargantubrain?" said Deep Thought with unconcealed contempt. "A mere abacus. Mention it not." "But are you not," he said, "a more fiendish disputant than the Great Hyperlobic Omni-Cognate Neutron Wrangler of Ciceronicus Twelve, the Magic and Indefatigable?" "The Great Hyperlobic Omni-Cognate Neutron Wrangler," said Deep Thought, thoroughly rolling the r's, "could talk all four legs off an Arcturan Mega-Donkey -- but only I could persuade it to go for a walk afterward." "Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so." "What's that thing?" "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young!" "Why, what did she tell you?" "I don't know, I didn't listen!" Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea... Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small, furry creatures from Alpha Centauri. Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man had split before. Thus was the Empire forged. There is a theory that states: "If anyone finds out what the universe is for it will disappear and be replaced by something more bazaarly inexplicable." There is another theory that states: "This has already happened...." This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 RASTUS STANDING ON A BRIDGE OVER THE RAILWAY LINE PISSING DOWN ONTO THE TRACK. A FRIEND WALKS PAST AND SAYS, 'RASTUS IF YOU DONT GET AWAY QUICKLY, A TRAIN'LL COME ALONG AND SUCK YOU OFF'. AND RASTUS SAYS, 'COME ONNNNN TRAIN'. A GARBAGE COLLECTOR GOES TO RASTUS' HOUSE, KNOCKS ON THE DOOR AND WHEN RASTUS APPEARS IN SINGLET ONLY, THE GARBAGE COLLECTOR ASKS HIM, 'WHERE'S YER BIN ?' TO WHICH RASTUS REPLIED, 'I'SE BIN FUCKING... WHERE'S YOU BIN ?' RASTUS AND LIZA JUST GOT MARRIED AND SHE COYLY DASHES UPSTAIRS AND JUMPS INTO BED. AFTER A FEW MINUTES THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. 'WHO IS IT'? SHE CALLS, 'ME', SAYS RASTUS, 'BUT I'M WORRIED I MAY BE TOO BIG FOR YOU LIZA'. 'NONSENSE', SHE SAYS, 'BUT IF YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT IT PUT SOME ROUND THE DOOR FIRST AND I'LL TELL YOU' SO THIS LONG SCHLUNG APPEARS ABOUT A YARD THROUGH THE DOORWAY. 'THATS GREAT', LIZA CRIES, 'I'LL HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH THAT'. 'THANK THE LORD', SHOUTED RASTUS, 'I'M A-COMING UP THE STAIRS NOW'. RASTUS WAS STRAPHANGING ON A SAN FRAN CABLE CAR WITH HIS PELVIS BUMPING THE SHAPELY ARSE OF A YOUNG WHITE LADY STANDING IN FRONT. EVENTUALLY , TIRING OF THE CONSTANT ANNOYANCE , THE YOUNG LADY TURNED AND SAID IN WITHERING TONES , "YOU SCUM !!". AND RASTUS SAID , "YES MA'AM , THREE TIMES AH'S COME". RASTUS AND LISA-JANE WERE 80 YEARS OLD AND WERE SITTING IN FRONT OF THE RADIO WHEN A FAITH HEALER'S VOICE CAME ON. HE SAID,"IF ANY OF YOU PEOPLE OUT THERE HAVE ANY AILMENT, PUT YOU ONE HAND ON THE RADIO AND THE OTHER ON YOUR INFLICTED PART AND SAY 'HALLA-LO--YA',AND YOU WILL BE CURED" LISA-JANE THEN AMBLED OVER TO THE RADIO AND PUT HER ONE HAND ON THE RADIO AND THE OTHER ON HER HEART AND SAID 'HALLA-LOO-YA'." SHE THEN BEGAN TOO FEEL 20 YEARS YOUNGER. RASTUS THEN STOOD UP AND WALKED OVER TO THE RADIO AND PUT HIS ONE HAND ON IT AND THE OTHER ONTO HIS SCHLUNG AND SAID,'HALLA-LOO-YA'. NOTHING HAPPENED...! LISA-JANE COMMENTED,"RASTUS , THE MAN SAID HE COULD CURE THE ILL NOT RAISE THE DEAD.!" RASTUS WENT TO A NOK-SHOP TO GET A BIT OF YOU KNOW WHAT. AFTER LOOKING AT THE MENU HE DECIDED TO HAVE SOMETHING SPECIAL SO HE WAS SENT UP TO MARIE. WHEN HE ARRIVED HE WAS INSTRUCTED TO UNDRESS AND LAY BACK ON THE BED,TO WHICH HE COMPLIED READILY. MARIE , AFTER LETTING HER GOWN FALL OFF CLIMBED ONTO THE BED AND WALKED OVER RASTUS AND FARTED OVER HIM. RASTUS ASKED,"WHAT'S THAT FOR" MARIE REPLIED "DON'T WORRY,IT'S ONLY THE WIND BEFORE THE STORM". AND AS SHE CONTINUED TO WALK OVER HIM,SHE PISSED ON HIM. RASTUS ASKED,"WHAT'S THAT FOR" MARIE REPLIED "DON'T WORRY,IT'S ONLY THE RAIN BEFORE THE STORM". AND AS SHE CONTINUED TO WALK OVER HIM,SHE CRAPPED ON HIM. RASTUS GOT UP AND SAID, "I'M GOING,WE CAN'T FUCK IN THIS KIND OF WEATHER.!" RASTUS AND LISA-JANE WERE CELEBRATING THEIR SECOND HONEYMOON IN THE SAME HOTEL AS THEY HAD SPENT THEIR FIRST. AS THERE WAS NO ELECTRICITY,THERE IN THE CORNER ON THE DRESSER STOOD THEIR MEANS OF LIGHT ,'A CANDLE'... LISA-JANE SAID TO RASTUS,"PLEASE GET UP AND BLOW THE CANDLE OUT LOVE". TO WHICH HE REPLIED,"ACH WON'T YOU GO PLEASE". TO WHICH SHE REPLIED,"NO YOU GO PLEASE". TO WHICH HE REPLIED,"ACH WON'T YOU GO PLEASE". AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES OF BANTARING BACK AND FORTH LISA-JANE SAID,"LET'S BOTH OF US THINK UP A RHYME AND THE PERSON WITH THE BEST RHYME GETS TO STAY IN BED". SO THEY BOTH LAY BACK AND STARTED THINKING. "I GOT IT",SAID RASTUS "RISE PENIS RISE" "GET BETWEEN THOSE LOVELY THIGHS" "AND MAKE THAT LITTLE TUMMY RISE." "THATS A FUCKING GOOD-ONE",REPLIED LISA-JANE AND CONTINUED THINKING. AFTER A WHILE SHE SAID,"AH GOT ONE,HERE'S MINE", "POUT POUT LITTLE SPOUT" "PULL HIS FORE-SKIN INSIDE OUT" "AND MAKE HIM BLOW THE FUCKING CANDLE OUT.!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 MURPHY'S LAW: 컴컴컴컴컴컴 1. If anything can go wrong it will. 2. Nothing is as easy as it looks. 3. Everything takes longer than you think. 4. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. 5. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one. 6. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. 7. It always costs more than first estimated. 8. It is easier to get involved in something-than to get out of it. 9. If you try to please everybody, someone will be disappointed. 10. Every solution breeds new problems. 11. Whenever you set out to do something, something else has to be done first. 12. If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop. 13. If you're feeling good; don't worry, you'll get over it. 14. It is impossible to make anything fool proof, because fools are so ingenious. 15. If you tinker with anything long enough, it will break. 16. By making things absolutely clear, people will become confused. 17. The more complex the idea, the more simple-minded the opposition to it. 18. The more urgent the need for a decision, the less apparent becomes the identity of the decision maker. 19. If there is a 50% chance of success, it means that there is a 75% chance of failure. 20. Interchangeable parts won't. 21. In any computation, the figure that is obviously correct will be the source of error. 22. Blame will never be placed if enough people are involved. 23. A failsafe circuit will destroy all the others. 24. If in the source of several months, only three worthwhile social events take place, they will all fall on the same evening. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 REAL SOFTWARE ENGINEERS DON'T READ DUMPS Real software engineers don't read dumps. They never generate them, and on the rare occasions that they come across them, they are vaguely amused. Real software engineers don't comment their code. The identifiers are so mnemonic they don't have to. Real software engineers don't write applications programs, they implement algorithms. If someone has an application that the algorithm might help with, that's nice. Don't ask them to write the user interface, though. Real software engineers eat quiche. If it doesn't have recursive function calls, real software engineers don't program in it. Real software engineers don't program in assembler. They become queasy at the very thought. Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness. This process doesn't necessarily involve executing anything on a computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package. Real software engineers like C's structured constructs, but they are suspicious of it because they have heard that it lets you get "close to the machine." Real software engineers admire PASCAL for its discipline and Spartan purity, but they find it difficult to actually program in. They don't tell this to their friends, because they are afraid it means that they are somehow Unworthy. Real software engineers write in languages that have not actually been implemented for any machine, and for which only the formal spec (in BNF) is available. This keeps them from having to take any machine dependencies into account. Machine dependencies make real software engineers very uneasy. Real software engineers don't write in ADA, because the standards bodies have not quite decided on a formal spec yet. Real software engineers like writing their own compilers, preferably in PROLOG (they also like writing them in unimplemented languages, but it turns out to be difficult to actually RUN these). Real software engineers regret the existence of COBOL, FORTRAN and BASIC. PL/1 is getting there, but it is not nearly disciplined enough; far too much built in function. Real software engineers aren't too happy about the existence of users, either. Users always seem to have the wrong idea about what the implementation and verification of algorithms is all about. Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that systems could be virtual at ALL levels. They would like personal computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their Correctness Verification Aid packages. Real software engineers think better while playing WFF 'N' PROOF. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A closed mouth gathers no feet. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. A king's castle is his home. A penny saved is ridiculous. All that glitters has a high refractive index. Ambition a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Anarchy is better that no government at all. Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object. As you read the scroll, it vanishes... Automobile - A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people. Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue. Of the choice of two evils, I pick the one I've never tried before. Brain -- the apparatus with which we think that we think. BATCH - A group, kinda like a herd. Computer hackers do it all night long. Computer modelers simulate it first. Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit. Computer programmers know how to use their hardware. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. Courage is your greatest present need. CLEARASOL - Effective sunspot remover. Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'. Do something unusual today. Accomplish work on the computer. Documentation is like sex: When it's good, it's fantastic, when it's bad... Don't force it, get a larger hammer. Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. Drive defensively -- buy a tank. Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail friends. Entropy isn't what it used to be. Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them use to reality. Familiarity breeds children. God didn't create the world in 7 days. He pulled an all-nighter on the 6th. Going the speed of light is bad for your age. GAY ABANDON - Homosexual repellent perfume. He who hesitates is sometimes saved. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Help support helpless victims of computer error. Herblock's Law: if it is good, they will stop making it. History does not repeat itself, -- historians merely repeat each other. I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice. I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did. If you don't change your direction, you may end up where you were headed. If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem! In the field of observation, chance favors only the prepared minds. It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. Albert Einstein It works better if you plug it in. It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere. Jury -- Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer. KODACLONE - duplicating film. Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else. Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. Mediocrity thrives on standardization. MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team. Never lick a gift horse in the mouth. Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement. Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research. QUARKBAR - the candy with flavour and charm. QUASIMOTO - 4 wheeled hard-top moped made in France. Reality's the only obstacle to happiness. Screw up your life, you've screwed everything else up. Silver's law: If Murphy's law can go wrong it will. Some grow with responsibility, others just swell. SQWERTY - Computer keyboard sized down for use by children. SYSTEM GOING DOWN AT 4:45 THIS AFTERNOON FOR DISK CRASHING. The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it. The road to to success is always under construction. Those who can't write, write help files. To be, or not to be, those are the parameters. To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer. Today is the last day of your life so far. TRAPEZOID - A device for catching zoids. Wasting time is an important part of life. When all else fails, read the instructions. When in doubt, don't bother. XMODEM - A spot-marking transfer protocol. YTERM - A terminal program for queries. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 The Bobbitt's Limerick! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� (sung to the tune of "Beverly Hillbillies" theme song) Here's a little story of a man named John A poor ex-Marine (with a little fraction gone) It seems one night after gettin' with the wife She lopped off his schlong with the swipe of a Knife (Penis, that is) (Rodeoed, fillet-ioed) Well the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side And Lorena's in the car takin' Willie for a ride She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend And tossed him out the window as she rounded out a bend (Curve, that is) (Pricker shrubs, wheel hubs) She went to the cops and confessed to the attack And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back They sniffed and they barked, then they pointed "over there" To John Wayne's henry that was wavin' in the air (Found, that is) (By a fence, evidence) Now peter and John couldn't stay apart too long So a dick-doc said, "Hey! I can fix your dong" "A needle and a thread's just the thing you're gonna need" Then the world held it's breath 'till they heard that John peed. (Wizzed, that is) (Stitched seam, straight stream) Well he healed, and he hardened, and he took his case to court With a cock-eyed lawyer (since his assets came up short) They cleared her of assault, and acquitted him of rape And his pecker was the only one they didn't show on tape (Video, that is) (Unexposed, case closed) 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 The Engineers' Drinking Song (Lady Godiva) Godiva was a lady who through Coventry did ride To show the royal villagers her fine and pure white hide The most observant man of all, an engineer of course, Was the only one who noticed that Godiva rode a horse Chorus: We are, we are, we are, we are, we are the Engineers We can, we can, we can, we can, demolish forty beers Drink rum, drink rum, drink rum all day, and come along with us 'Cause we don't give a damn for any old man who don't give a damn for us! She said, "I've come a long, long way, and I will go as far With the man who takes me from this horse and leads me to a bar The man who took her from her steed and lead her to a beer Was a bleary-eyed surveyor and a drunken engineer Godiva was a lady well-endowed there is no doubt She never wore a stitch of clothes, just wound her hair about The first man who did make her was a Engineer, of course, But on just one beer an artsie queer had made Godiva's horse Ace towing roams the Cambridge streets each day and every night Towing cars and stowing cars to hide them out of sight They tried to tow Godiva's horse; the Engineers said, "Hey!" Then towed away their towing truck, and now the Ace must pay! Rapunzel let her hair down for two suitors down below, So one of them could grab a hold and give the old heave-ho The prince began to climb at once, but soon came out the worst, For the Engineer rode up a lift, and reached Rapunzel first Caesar set out for Egypt at the age of fifty-three But Cleopatra's blood was warm, her heart was young and free And every night when Julius said good-night at three o'clock A Roman Engineer was waiting just around the block! Sir Francis Drake and all his ships set out for Calais Bay They'd heard the Spanish rum fleet was headed out that way But the Engineers had beat them, by a night and half a day, And though as drunk as ptarmigans, you could still hear them say: The Army and the Navy went out to have some fun They went down to the taverns where the fiery liquors run But all they found were empties for the Engineers had come And traded all their instruments for gallon kegs of rum An artsman and an Engineer once found a gallon can Said the artsman, "Match me drink for drink, let's see if you're a man." They drank three drinks, the artsman fell, his face was turning green But the Engineer drank on and said, "It's only gasoline!" An Engineer once stumbled through the halls of Building 10 That night he'd drunken rum enough to drown a dozen men In fact, the only things there were that kept him on his course Were the boundary conditions and the Coriolis force An MIT computer man got drunk one fateful night He opened up the console and smashed everything in sight When they finally subdued him, the judge he stood before, Said, "Lock him up for twenty years, he's rotten to the core!" Venus was a statue made entirely of stone Without a stitch uopn her she was naked as a bone On seeing that she had no clothes, and Engineer discoursed "Why, the damn thing's only concrete, and should be reinforced!" I happened once upon a girl whose eyes were full of fire Her physical endowments would have made your hands perspire To my surprise she told me that she had never been kissed Her boyfriend was a tired Engineering scientist A maiden and an Engineer were sitting in the park The Engineer was working on some research after dark His scientific method was a marvel to observe While his right hand held the figures, his left hand traced the curves Princeton's run by Wellesley, and Wellesley's run by Yale And Yale is run by Vassar, and Vassar's run by tail Harvard's run by stiff pricks, the kind you raise by hand But Tech is run by Engineers, the finest in the land If we should find a Harvard man within our sacred walls, We'll take him to the Physics lab and amputate his balls And if he hollers "Uncle!", I'll tell you what we'll do We'll stuff his ass with broken glass, and seal it up with glue And should there be a Harvard man a-strolling our Great Court We'll fetch a pail of river gunk and make him drink a quart The water of the River Charles can fix his every flaw And the Engineers all drink it 'cause it makes us what we are MIT was MIT when Harvard was a pup And MIT will be MIT when Harvard's time is up And any Harvard Son of a Bitch who thinks he's in our class Can pucker up his rosy lips and kiss the beaver's ass An MIT surveyor once found the gates of Hell He looked the devil in the eye, and said "You're looking well" The devil looked right back at him, and said "Why visit me - You've been through Hell already; you went to MIT!" That engineer from MIT, he tried to enter heaven Saint Peter told the engineer, "Get back to building 7!" The engineer said he was damned if he was going home, So he climbed atop the roof, and dropped through heaven's dome... A friend in ol' New Haven called me up the other day. He said he was depressed because he hadn't got an A. I said to him, ``You idiot! Why did you go to Yale? If you had come to MIT you'd still be on Pass/Fail!'' My father peddles opium, my mother's on the dole My sister used to walk the streets but now she's on parole My brother runs a restaurant with bedrooms in the rear But they don't even speak to me, 'cause I'm an Engineer. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 GENESIS ======= In the beginning, IBM created the hardware and the software. And the software was without form, and zeroes were upon the face of the disks. And the sysgen moved upon the face of the drum. And IBM said, "Let there be system," and it was "genned". And IBM saw the system, and it was buggy. And IBM divided the light from the dark, and called the light OS, and the dark HASP. And the cold start and the warm start were the first crash. And IBM said, "Let there be a supervisor in the midst of core, and let it divide the regions from the regions." And IBM called the supervisor MVT. And the cold start, and the warm start were the second crash. And IBM said, "Let the programs in the machine be gathered into one area," and it was so. And it called the area LINKLIB, and the rest EXTRALIB, and IBM saw that it was good. And IBM said, "Let the supervisor bring forth (CLG) initiators, and the initiators running programs, and the programs yielding output, each to it's own dataset," and IBM saw that it was good. And the cold start, and the warm start were the third crash. And IBM said, "Let there be lights on the console to divide the wait's from loops, and let them be for the operators and for the programmers. And IBM made five great lights: the system light to rule the CPU, the wait light to command the operators -- He made the PSW also. And the cold start, and the warm start were the fourth crash. And IBM said, "Let the disk bring forth abundantly the utilities that hath bugs, and appendages may fly above the system in supervisor state." And IBM created the great compilers, and every subroutine that runneth and IBM saw that it was good. And the cold start and the warm start were the fifth crash. And IBM said, "Let the core bring forth the linkage editor after it's kind, for object modules and load modules," and it was so. And IBM said, "Let us make users in our own image and let them have dominion over the readers and over the printers and over the disks and over all of the system, and over every bug in HASP that lurketh beneath the nucleus." And IBM created the user in His own image, and IBM blessed them, and said, "Be fruitful and multiply and add and subtract and divide, and fill the queues." And IBM said, "Behold, I have given you every procedure bearing JCL which is on the face of the PROCLIB. And IBM saw that it was good. And the cold start and the warm start were the sixth crash. Thus the hardware and the software were finished, and all the troubles with them. And on the seventh day IBM unbundled the work that it had made, and rested from producing. And IBM sanctified the unbundling and blessed it -- because on it, IBM rested and created a larger profit. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 It seems this fairly succcessful businessman in his early 30's was getting lonely for some companionship. He was comfortably well off, lived in a nice apartment, had refined tastes, but somehow or other he could never find the perfect companion. Finally, he had an inspiration. So our friend strolls into a pet shop and explains his problem to the sympathetic clerk. The clerk thinks for a moment, then says, "I have the per- fect pet for you, sir," disappears into the back of the shop, and emerges with a small cardboard box. The gentleman opens the box, but, instead of finding a dog or a cat, discovers a frog. "A frog?" he asks disbelievingly. "Ah," says the salesman, "but not just any frog. I really think you'll be surprised with this pet. May I suggest you take it home for a trial. If it does not meet with your satisfaction, feel free to bring it back within a week for a full refund." Well, what can he lose, right? He pays the clerk, takes the box under his arm, and heads home. When he arrives, he sets the box in a corner, takes the lid off so the frog can breathe, and looks at it for a moment. Nothing special. So he steps to the bar and mixes himself a martini. Just as he brings it to his lips, he is startled to hear a voice say, "Excuse me." He looks around. There's no one there. He locked the door. He is five floors up, so there couldn't possibly be anyone outside the windows. He checks anyway, but there is no one there. Confused, he ponders for a moment, then shrugs and lifts the drink again. And again, "Pardon me." The man glances at the box. The voice seemed to be coming...from the frog? "Yes, over here." Perplexed, he steps to the box. The frog looks up at him. "I couldn't help noticing that you made yourself an excellent martini, there." The man is confused. "You...you talk?" The frog chuckles. "Oh, of course I talk. But that martini...well, I just happen to be a very particular martini drinker, and you mixed that one exactly the way I like mine, not too dry, not too--" The man recovers his poise. "Would you care for one?" The frog hops gratefully out of its box. "Why, thank you. Most people are uncomfortable around frogs, I know, but I can see this is going to be different." Well, the two get to talking, and they hit it off marvelously right away. The frog has the same taste in classical music that the man does, they both appreciate impressionist paintings, and both of them like to watch week- end tennis matches. When it comes time for dinner, the man carries the frog into the kitchen, and it offers suggestions on how to season his game hen, selects the perfect wine to accompany, and keeps up a steady flow of humour- ous conversation throughout the evening. The young man is delighted. The frog is, indeed, everything the pet store clerk had promised. Presently the man began to feel tired, so he set the frog gently in its box and brought it into the bedroom. As he prepared to turn the lights out the frog discreetly clears its throat. "I wonder..." it begins tentatively, "I wonder if you would mind very much..." "What is it?" the man asks. "Well," the frog says, "I feel so close to you...I mean, we share so many interests, we've eaten and drunk together...I just somehow wouldn't feel right sleeping in a box. Could you...do you think I might possibly just sleep on the pillow next to you?" Well, the young man sees nothing wrong with this request, so he lifts the frog out of its box and sets it on the pillow. He bids it good night, turns out the lights, and gets into bed. He is just dozing off when he hears another discreet cough. "Excuse me," the frog whispers. "I really hate to ask this, and don't think I mean anything by it, but..." It pauses. The man sighs. "What do you want?" The frog shifts about uncomfortably. "Well, it's just that I've grown accustomed to...that is...you see, I've always been kissed good night, before." The man shakes his head. "No. I'm sorry, but no matter how unique you are, you're still a frog." The frog interrupts. "No, no, nothing like that. Just a quick little peck on the forehead. Really. It would mean so much to me..." Well, it sounds so plaintive, and the frog really is such a wonderful addition to his life, that he decides that this one thing can't possibly hurt that much. So he screws up his courage (and his eyes), leans over, and kisses the frog... <<< POOF!! >> When the smoke clears, the young man is lying in bed beside a stun- ningly beautiful blonde, no more than sixteen years old, stark naked, smiling blissfully up at him. "And that, your Honor, is how my client came to be..." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A Scotsman was sick and in hospital. His doctors were afraid that this was to be the end of him since nothing they did could do anything to make him healthy. His physician asked him if there was anything that he could do to make him more comfortable in his final hours. The Scot replied, "If I could only hear the pipes one more time it would make me very happy." So the doctor arranged for a piper to come into the room and play for the dying man. When the Scot heard the pipes the color came back into his cheeks, his eyes became bright, his breathing was easier, and he got up and danced around the room. He was completely cured! Later, while recounting the tale to his fellows over lunch the doctor confessed that this was a miracle cure that he couldn't explain. When the pipes began to play the Scotsman was cured. The only problem he could see was that 2 Englishmen in for checkups died. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 The Good Fairy comes to Lech Walesa and offers him three wishes. "Is gut," says Lech. "Is first wish, China invades Poland." "OK, I'll get the wishing elves to work on it right away. And what is your second wish, Mr. President?" "Is second wish, is China invades Poland." "That's very interesting, Mr. President, and your wish will certainly come true. And what is your third wish." "Is third wish, is wish of whole people of new democracy of Poland. Is China invades Poland." "All right, President Walesa, I'll get to work on your three wishes. But they're very interesting. I've been in the wish business for quite a while, and I've never run across anyone making three wishes quite like that." "Is simple," says Walesa. "After China has invaded Poland three times, can you imagine what Russia is going to look like?" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A man walks into a bar with a Leprechaun on his shoulder. He walks up the the bar and sets on down. He proceeds to order a beer for himself and for the little Leprechaun. Well, the guy and the Leprechaun drink about two beers when finally the Leprechaun jumps down off the guy's shoulder, trots down the bar and stands in front of a rather large construction worker. He looks at the construction worker and goes, "ppphhhbbbttttttt" right to the big guy's face. Well the Leprechaun trots on back on hops back onto his buddy's shoulder. The construction worker is a little ticked, but decides to shine on this breach of manners. After another beer and a half though, the Leprechaun hops down and again goes in front of the construction worker and goes, "ppphhhbbbbttt" to the construction workers face. The Leprechaun trots on back and hops back on his buddy's shoulder. The construction worker is visably bothered, but decides not to do anything again. Well shure enough, the guy and the Leprechaun drink another beer. Soon enough the Leprechaun hops down, trots in front of the construction worker and goes, "pppphhhhbbbttttt!" to his face. Well, this time the big guy has had enough of the little guy's manners and walks over to the fellow with the Leprechaun, again on his shoulder. The construction worker tells this fella, "If your little friend does that again, I'm gonna cut off his little dick!" The fellow tells the big guy "Well Leprechauns don't have dicks." The big guy asks, "Well how does he go pee?" The fellow with the Leprechaun on his shoulder looks at the big guy and goes, "ppppphhhhbbbbtttttt." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 ** 20 Things that never happen in Star Trek ** 1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has encountered several times before. 2. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly alright. 3. Some of the crew visits the holodeck, and it works properly. 4. The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new life form, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old life form wearing a funny JThat. 5. The crew of the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise sick-bay. 6. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive. 7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without a serious incident. 8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface with the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads. 9. A power surge on the bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff. 10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial. 11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some candy. 12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise" where everyone is happy all of the time. 13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction. 14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century. 15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode. 16. Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious. 17. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher. 18. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change. 19. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him. 20. Most things that are new or in some way unexpected. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 (Heard from a friend in New York in about 1970.) When Lyndon Johnson was running for congress he called his opponent a "pig fucker." Lyndon's campaign manager said, "Lyndon, you know he doesn't do that!" Johnson replied, "I know that, but I want to make him deny it." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 ...... and orders three beers. The bartender asks, "So what makes you so thirsty?" The man replies, "Oh you see, me two brothers are back in me homeland of Ireland, and I just like to have a drink for each of them and meself to remember them by." " That' really nice," replies the bartender. After enjoying the three beers, the man gets up and leaves. A week later the same bloke sits down at the bar. He gets the bartender's attention. "Two beers here, please." The bartender looks at the fellow, and then pulls two draughts and sets them down. After a minute he asks the customer, "If you don't mind my asking, why only two beers this week?" The customer responds, "Oh, me stupid brother Billy got killed in the struggle for our homeland. So now it's only Scotty and me." "That's awful!" says the bartender. "Those beers are on the house." The customer finishes his two beers and leaves. The next week the patron returns. "One beer please." "Oh no" the bartender exclaims, "Don't tell me Scotty was killed as well." The patron replies,"No, no. It's just that I quit drinking!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 The following memorandum was apparently circulated at the L.A. Times: Los Angeles Times -- Intra-Office Correspondence To members of the Times staff: Because of the current outflow-inflow revenue imbalances, certain economy measures are being implemented throughout the newspaper for the duration of the difficulties. Your cooperation is necessary to help correct the imbalance more quickly. Starting immediately: --The Times' travel office has been instructed to book employees in more economical hotels; as a guideline, for example, any hotel providing mints on pillows is excluded from this list. For your further guidance, a hotel & motel guide "Corporate America on $29.95 a day," is being reprinted for distribution. --Any reporters/photographers traveling together will occupy only one room; for propriety's sake, they will sleep in shifts, one by day, the other by night. In case of a dispute over shift assignments, any editor at or above the rank of assistant metropolitan editor can be called in to mediate. --When traveling, do not purchase local newspapers. These can be obtained from hotel check-out desks, in the seating areas of coffee shops where they have been discarded by others, or taken from so-called "street people" sleeping on benches and sidewalks. --All reporters' notebooks will be issued by the city desk. Any request for new notebooks must be accompanied by turning in a used one, with all pages filled on both sides. When taking notes, please use abbreviations wherever possible; this will help to conserve. The same rule for turning in used items will hold for pens, and pencil stubs. New cassette tapes will be provided when old ones are turned in. To obtain further use from your tape recorder batteries, lick the battery head with the tip of your tongue and reinsert batteries in tape recorder. --Like first-class travel, first-class postage is now prohibited, except under extraordinary circumstances. Postcards will be provided through your department secretary. Any reporter wishing to send items first-class can petition orally or in writing to the city desk for the necessary stamps. --To avoid wastage of newsprint, street-vendor racks will be installed in the newsroom and throughout the building. Reporters deemed "need to know" can obtain coins from the city desk to purchase one (1) newspaper daily; others are encouraged to bring their newspapers from home, or to purchase them at work --When dining out of town while on company business, employees are encouraged to follow current Administration guidelines and use catsup as a vegetable. --To aid in our company "balance of payments," this fall, a company sales program, much akin to the Girl Scouts' cookie sales program -- will be instituted. Times-produced and Times-logo merchandise will be sold by employees in the course of their other duties i.e., reporters traveling around southern California for interviews and research. The Times' marketing division is preparing "kits," cases containing a sample array of Times merchandise, and order books. These kits should be available by December 1, and will be distributed by your supervisor. --To conserve energy, rolling blackouts of computer and electric-light power will be observed throughout the editorial department. We will try to time these to avoid any conflict with your department deadlines. --The Times is also instituting a suggestion plan to encourage employees' ideas on cost-cutting. Employees whose suggestions are adopted will be rewarded with free meal passes to the company cafeteria. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 On the old "You Bet Your Life" program, Groucho Marx was getting to know one of his contestants. The man told Groucho that he had 10 children. "Why so many children?" Groucho asked. "Well, I love my wife", the man answered. Groucho paused but a second, then said "I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a while!" ========================================================================= "Well, now, hold onta yer horses, there, Frazier. I mean, as a psychiatrist, isn't it your job to, uh, `seek and uphold the truth'?" "Oh, get real, Cliff." --- Cheers 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 "The Worm Before Christmas" by Clement C. Morris (a.k.a. David Bradley, Betty Cheng, Hal Render, Greg Rogers, and Dan LaLiberte) Twas the night before finals, and all through the lab Not a student was sleeping, not even McNabb. Their projects were finished, completed with care In hopes that the grades would be easy (and fair). The students were wired with caffeine in their veins While visions of quals nearly drove them insane. With piles of books and a brand new highlighter, I had just settled down for another all nighter --- When out from our gateways arose such a clatter, I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter; Away to the console I flew like a flash, And logged in as root to fend off a crash. The windows displayed on my brand new Sun-3, Gave oodles of info --- some in 3-D. When, what to my burning red eyes should appear But dozens of "nobody" jobs. Oh dear! With a blitzkrieg invasion, so virulent and firm, I knew in a moment, it was Morris's Worm! More rapid than eagles his processes came, And they forked and exec'ed and they copied by name: "Now Dasher! Now Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen! On Comet! On Cupid! On Donner and Blitzen! To the sites in .rhosts and host.equiv Now, dash away! dash away! dash away all!" And then in a twinkling, I heard on the phone, The complaints of the users. (Thought I was alone!) "The load is too high!" "I can't read my files!" "I can't send my mail over miles and miles!" I unplugged the net, and was turning around, When the worm-ridden system went down with a bound. I fretted. I frittered. I sweated. I wept. Then finally I core dumped the worm in /tmp. It was smart and pervasive, a right jolly old stealth, And I laughed, when I saw it, in spite of myself. A look at the dump of that invasive thread Soon gave me to know we had nothing to dread. The next day was slow with no network connections, For we wanted no more of those pesky infections. But in spite of the news and the noise and the clatter, Soon all became normal, as if naught were the matter. Then later that month while all were away, A virus came calling and then went away. The system then told us, when we logged in one night: "Happy Christmas to all! (You guys aren't so bright.)" [ Note: The machines dasher.cs.uiuc.edu, dancer.cs.uiuc.ed, prancer.cs.uiuc.edu, etc. have been renamed deer1, deer2, deer3, etc. so as not to confuse the already burdened students who use those machines. We regret that this poem reflects the older naming scheme and hope it does not confuse the network adminstrator at your site. -Ed.] 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 How to Determine Which Programming Language You're Using: The proliferation of modern programming languages which seem to have stolen countless features from each other sometimes makes it difficult to remember which language you're using. This guide is offered as a public service to help programmers in such dilemmas. C: You shoot yourself in the foot. Assembly: You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk. The system administrator arrives and shoots you in the foot. After a moment of contemplation, the administrator shoots himself in the foot and then hops around the room rabidly shooting at everyone in sight. C++: You accidently create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical care is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "that's me, over there." Ada: If you are dumb enough to actually use this language, the United States Department of Defense will kidnap you, stand you up in front of a firing squad, and tell the soldiers, "Shoot at his feet." Modula/2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in the language, you shoot yourself in the head. sh, csh,etc.: You can't remember the syntax for anything, so you spend five hours reading man pages before giving up. You then shoot the computer and switch to C. Smalltalk: You spend so much time playing with the graphics and windowing system that your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away your workstation, and makes you develop in COBOL on a character terminal. APL: You hear a gunshot, and there's a hole in your foot, but you don't remember enough linear algebra to understand what the hell happened. FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception- processing ability. Algol: You shoot yourself in the foot with a musket. The musket is esthetically fascinating, and the wound baffles the adolescent medic in the emergency room. COBOL: USEing a COLT45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER, and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. Check whether shoelace needs to be retied. BASIC: Shoot self in foot with water pistol. On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged. PL/I: You consume all available system resources, including all the offline bullets. The DataProcessing&Payroll Department doubles its size, triples its budget, acquires four new mainframes, and drops the original one on your foot. SNOBOL: You grab your foot with your hand, then rewrite your hand to be a bullet. The act of shooting the original foot then changes your hand/bullet into yet another foot (a left foot). lisp: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds... scheme: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds... ...but none of the other appendages are aware of this happening. English: You put your foot in your mouth, then bite it off. ... Real programmers go COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE!! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A Russian man loses his pet parrot. He looks everywhere, all around the neighbourhood, in the park, everywhere. He just can't find the parrot. Finally, he goes around to the local KGB office, and tells the desk officer his problem. The desk officer is a little puzzled. "Look comrade, I'm sorry you lost your pet, but this is the KGB. We don't handle missing animal reports." "Oh, I know that", says the man. "I just wanted you to know, if you do happen to find my parrot -- I don't know where he could have picked up his political ideas." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 This is a true story. Last night I was in a minor accident on the highway. We both pulled off to the side and as soon as I smelled the other guy's breath it was obvious he had been smoking pot. When the cops finally showed up, I told one of them this and he said, "and just how do *you* know what pot smells like". I told him I used to use it before I was nominated to the Supreme Court. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 101 things to do with your old 300 baud modem 1-Put it under a door and you have a Door Stop 2-Attach a stick and you have a Snow Plow 3-Put it on a shelf and you have a Book End 4-Put it on top of some papers and you have a Paper Weight 5-Put some powder in it and it is a Bomb Shell 6-Throw it and it is a Baseball 7-There is no #7 8-Put a Satellite Dish on it and you have Great TV reception 9-Put some coils in it and you have a great portable heater 10-Cut some holes and tell your friends you bought it in Holland 11-Attach balloons and it becomes 1 of those things they use to hold Balloons 12-Sell it to someone as a universal adapter 13-Put a light bulb in it and you have a Decorative Walkway Light 14-Use it as a coaster for your favorite drink 15-Sell it to Lord Melkor and tell him 300BPS is faster then 2400 (inside joke) 16-Give it to your Uncle, he'll find something to do with it 17-Hook it on your TV and it is a TV adapter for your Television 18-Sell it as a Black Box. 19-Save water by putting it in the toilet tank! 20-Use it as an anvil 21-Isn't that the age at which you can LEGALLY drink? 22-It could be one of those useless props at a school play 23-Get a hammer and vent your stress out on it 24-Make a few adjustments and turn it into a radio 25-Use the parts to make a board game 26-Make a Nintendo game out of it 27-Put in a processor and sell it as the world's chunkiest computer 28-Take it out when the guests come over and it is a decoration 29-Put it on the Christmas tree and it is an Ornament! 30-Use it as a Saxophone Damper 31-Make it into a parallel port DAC 32-Use it to make a model car 33-Trade it in for a new life 34-Use it as a footrest 35-Take it to sports games and have it signed like a baseball 36-Call up PROTOVISION with it (WarGames the movie) 37-Pad it, cut it, and you have a new pair of knee-pads 38-Isn't that MTV? 39-Use it as a snow sampler 40-Attach it to the Principal's Laptop Computer and say it is a tumor 41-Cut some holes in it and use it as a Disk Store 42-Sell the parts to a techie nerd and make a lot of money 43-Use it to stop your car in an emergency 44-Drop it off a boat with a string and it is an anchor 45-Use it to scan for fish in a lake 46-Make your phone into a speaker phone 47-Take it to your next party and it will be the talk of the town 48-Sell to the Tabloids and say it is possessed by Elvis 49-Use it with your Lego's to make a computer 50-Bang it on your bald head and instantly grow hair 51-Use it as a murder weapon 52-Does there really have to be a number 52? 53-Make some adjustments and it is an EPROM programmer 54-Give it to Ray Charles and tell him it is endless "Uh, huh" 55-Use it to upgrade the warp drive on a constitutional class space vessel 56-Attach some strings and use it as a sled 57-Attach roll bars and it is a dune buggy 58-Use it to keep your dog in place in the yard 59-Threaten your little brother with it 60-Get all of your friend's 300BPS modems and make a house out of them all 61-Make it into a `Radio Flyer' by adding wheels and a pole 62-Need a quick science project? Bring in your modem! 63-Cut a hole and use it as a planter 64-Strap it onto your head and pretend that you are Cadet Stimpy 65-Get a few lenses, some film, and make a movie camera 66-Get a plug, and send some voltage through someone's modem 67-You know how there are `pet rocks'? How about a `pet modem'? 68-Throw it out 69-Sell it to an idiot for $100 and buy yerself a faster modem 70-Put it in the snow and use it as a depth meter 71-Stick it on the wall and call it ART 72-Use it as a stepping stool 73-Put pepper in it and it could be a pepper shaker 74-Cut a hole in it and use it as a cereal bowl 75-Paint it red play bocce (yard game w/heavy balls) 76-If you are Jewish you could strap it on and use it as Tefillin 77-If you have a big dog, give it to him as a chew toy 78-Cut a hole and put stuff in it 79-Put it in the attic and one day, it may be worth MONEY! 80-Make a DollHouse out of it 81-A window box to put flowers in 82-Make it into a lantern 83-Give it to the neighbors 84-Use it as a subject for painting (still life) 85-Make it into a tunnel for your slot cars 86-Recycle it 87-Put it by the door and call it "Matt" 88-Throw it in the water and call it "Bob" 89-Hang it by the door and call it "Bell" 90-Use it as a booster chair 91-Throw it in the lake 92-Give it to the phone company 93-Bury it 94-Take it to Florida and sell it 95-Shape it into a Wok 96-Take it to an antique shop 97-Paint it all kinds of colors 98-Take it for a walk 99-Put it on a hat and say "Well, what did you expect?" 100-You know that a penny could kill from the top of the World Trade Centers? Great, THROW THE MODEM! 101-Anything that you want to! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Dave Barry Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long, dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists and turns, being attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and not knowing until the last minute whether it will be turned into a useful body part or ejected into the Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter. We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Two obviously high-class old ladies are strolling down a city street when they run across a grizzled, ragged old derelict lying drunk in the gutter, covered with garbage, sewer water running all over him. "Hmmmph," sniffs one of the old ladies haughtily. "Cleanliness is next to godliness. William Shakespeare!" The drunk opens one yellowed, rheumy old eye, stares at her balefully, and replies, "Fuck you. Tennessee Williams..." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 q: What is the meaning of life? a: Life is a fatal, sexually transmitted disease. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A nice young worker from Australia Post ( yes they do exist ), was sorting through her regular envelopes, when she discovered a letter addressed as follows: GOD c/o Heaven Upon opening the envelope, a letter enclosed told of how a little old lady who had never asked for anything in her life, was desperately in need of $100 and was wondering if God could send her the money. Well the young lady was deeply touched and made a collection from her fellow workmates and collected $90 and sent it off to the old lady. A few weeks later another letter arrived addressed to God, so the young lady opened it and it read "Thank you for the money, God, I deeply appreciate it, however I only received $90. It must have been those bastards at the Post Office." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 (1) A person belonging to an ethnic group whose members are commonly considered to have certain stereotypical mannerisms met another person belonging to a different ethnic group with a different set of imputed stereotypical mannerisms. The first person acted in a manner consistent with the stereotypes associated with his ethnic group, and proceeded to make a remark which might be considered to establish conclusively his membership in that group, whereupon his companion proceeded to make a remark with a double meaning, the first meaning of which could be interpreted to indicate his agreement with his companion, but the other meaning of which serves to corroborate his membership in his particular ethnic group. The first person took offense at his remark, and reacted in a stereotypical way! (2) Q: How many people belonging to a certain ethnic group does it take to perform a particular menial activity? A: A finite positive integer. One to perform the activity, and the rest to behave in a manner stereotypical of their ethnic group! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 SANTA CLAUS IS WIELDING A GUN (to the tune of "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town") Oh, you better watch out You better not pry You better stay back I'm telling you why Santa Claus is wielding a gun He's making a list And checking it twice Gonna find out who He's gonna ice Santa Claus is wielding a gun Don't give him any trouble He'll blow you right away Don't give him any cause to shoot Or you'll make his Christmas Day Oh, you better believe He's packing a rod No coal in your stocking Just lead in your bod Santa Claus is wielding a gun He doesn't want cookies Or none of that crud He doesn't want milk What he wants is your blood Santa Claus is wielding a gun (Music Bridge, with automatic arms fire) He doesn't trust nobody Shot all his reindeer dead Thought Dancer was a sissy And thought Rudoulph was a red Oh, you better watch out You better not pry You better stay back I'm telling you why Santa Claus is wielding a gun 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Why is Poland just like the United States? In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 >From the San Francisco Chronicle's Personals column of 11/29/88: Lenore Skenazy of Advertising Age recently asked readers for suggestions for the next "Geraldo!" segment. Among their ideas: + "Elvis: What's Goind Down?" A look into the King's final resting place ... or is it? + "Even I Hate My Guts!" To prove it, Geraldo goes under local anesthetic and provides controversial commentary as surgeons remove his large and small intestines. + "Nose for News" Geraldo challenges Morton Downey, Jr. to break his nose, too. + "Sirhan Sirhan Is Innocent!" Geraldo blows the lid off the Robert Kennedy assassination coverup by proving that only people with three names can be infamous killers, e.g. Lee Harvey Oswald, James Earl Ray, Mark David Chapman, John Wayne Gacy, etc. Using this theory, Geraldo identifies three potential culprits: Sandra Day O'Connor, David Lee Roth and Sammy Davis, Jr. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 "Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting."-Alan Dean Foster "To the Vanishing Point" The Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe: All my life I said I wanted to be someone...I can see now that I should have been more specific. "The world is filled with fools. They blindly follow their so-called 'reason' in the face of the church and common sense. Any fool can see that the world is flat!" - anon "Women and cats do as they dammed well please. Men and dogs had best learn to live with it..." Alan Holbrook "I'm at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk...." A retired dentist who loves to fish. "Open wide," he mutters to the unseen fish as he waits for a tug on the line. "Now bite down. This may sting just a little bit." Then of course, there's the way Keillor used to close his broadcast stories: "That's the news from Lake Woebegon, where all the men are smart, the women are good looking, and all the children are above average." I have a Steven King line I'm fond of too. It's from _The_Dead_Zone, and it's not funny at all, but I find it to be true. Johnny Smith is talking to the wealthy father of the boy he's been hired to tutor. The father says something to the affect that there are three kinds of people in the world. 95 percent of the people are drones, zeroes. One percent are saints and one percent are devils, and that two percent are born the way they are. The other three percent_the people who get the vast majority of things in the world done_are the people who do what they say they will do. "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar." -- Sigmund Freud Over the past ten years, for the first time, intelligence had become socially correct for girls. -- Tom Wolfe, "Bonfire of the Vanities" In the topsy-turvy world of heavy rock, it's often useful to have a nice, solid piece of wood in your hands. -- Ian Faith, manager of Spinal Tap I'm a clown. That's my sole mechanism of defense. Very few people will go out of their way to punish a clown. -- ??? Monty Python "In accordance with our principles of free enterprise and healthy competition, I'm going to ask you two to fight to the death for it." Pink Panther "Kato, what is going on in that little yellow brain of yours?" -- Chief Inspector Clouseau, in reference to a priceless white\ Steinway piano. The Princess Bride "Inconceivable!" "You use that word a lot. I do not think it means what you think it does." Daffy Duck "Ho! Ha-ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Ha! Thrust!" --D. Duck "Consequences, shmonsequences! So long as I'm rich!" -- Daffy Duck "Mine! Mine! It's all mine!" -- D. Duck "The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear-cut stupid moves, only complicated stupid moves which make us wonder at the possibility that there may be something to them we are missing." -- Gamel Abdel Nasser "Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And East is East and West is West and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know." --Groucho Marx, "Animal Crackers" "The shortest distance between two points is through Hell." --Brian Clark "J. D. Salinger... John Knowles... even James Kirkwood and that guy Don Bredes... they've destroyed being an adolescent,Garraty. If you're a sixteen-year-old boy, you can't discuss the pains of adolescent love with any decency anymore. You just come off sounding like fucking Ron Howard with a hardon." Richard Bachman (Stephen King) The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy. Hartley's First Law: You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something. Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage. The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action. Bacchus: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk. Winston Churchill: "I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals." Bill Watterson, cartoonist: "Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us." You know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers -- A analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 THE HACKER TEST - Version 1.0 Preface: 06.16.89 This test was conceived and written by Felix Lee, John Hayes and Angela Thomas at the end of the spring semester, 1989. It has gone through many revisions prior to this initial release, and will undoubtedly go through many more. (Herewith a compendium of fact and folklore about computer hackerdom, cunningly disguised as a test.) Scoring - Count 1 for each item that you have done, or each question that you can answer correctly. If you score is between: You are 0x000 and 0x010 -> Computer Illiterate 0x011 and 0x040 -> a User 0x041 and 0x080 -> an Operator 0x081 and 0x0C0 -> a Nerd 0x0C1 and 0x100 -> a Hacker 0x101 and 0x180 -> a Guru 0x181 and 0x200 -> a Wizard Note: If you don't understand the scoring, stop here. And now for the questions... 0001 Have you ever used a computer? 0002 ... for more than 4 hours continuously? 0003 ... more than 8 hours? 0004 ... more than 16 hours? 0005 ... more than 32 hours? 0006 Have you ever patched paper tape? 0007 Have you ever missed a class while programming? 0008 ... Missed an examination? 0009 ... Missed a wedding? 0010 ... Missed your own wedding? 0011 Have you ever programmed while intoxicated? 0012 ... Did it make sense the next day? 0013 Have you ever written a flight simulator? 0014 Have you ever voided the warranty on your equipment? 0015 Ever change the value of 4? 0016 ... Unintentionally? 0017 ... In a language other than Fortran? 0018 Do you use DWIM to make life interesting? 0019 Have you named a computer? 0020 Do you complain when a "feature" you use gets fixed? 0021 Do you eat slime-molds? 0022 Do you know how many days old you are? 0023 Have you ever wanted to download pizza? 0024 Have you ever invented a computer joke? 0025 ... Did someone not 'get' it? 0026 Can you recite Jabberwocky? 0027 ... Backwards? 0028 Have you seen "Donald Duck in Mathemagic Land"? 0029 Have you seen "Tron"? 0030 Have you seen "Wargames"? 0031 Do you know what ASCII stands for? 0032 ... EBCDIC? 0033 Can you read and write ASCII in hex or octal? 0034 Do you know the names of all the ASCII control codes? 0035 Can you read and write EBCDIC in hex? 0036 Can you convert from EBCDIC to ASCII and vice versa? 0037 Do you know what characters are the same in both ASCII and EBCDIC? 0038 Do you know maxint on your system? 0039 Ever define your own numerical type to get better precision? 0040 Can you name powers of two up to 2**16 in arbitrary order? 0041 ... up to 2**32? 0042 ... up to 2**64? 0043 Can you read a punched card, looking at the holes? 0044 ... feeling the holes? 0045 Have you ever patched binary code? 0046 ... While the program was running? 0047 Have you ever used program overlays? 0048 Have you met any IBM vice-president? 0049 Do you know Dennis, Bill, or Ken? 0050 Have you ever taken a picture of a CRT? 0051 Have you ever played a videotape on your CRT? 0052 Have you ever digitized a picture? 0053 Did you ever forget to mount a scratch monkey? 0054 Have you ever optimized an idle loop? 0055 Did you ever optimize a bubble sort? 0056 Does your terminal/computer talk to you? 0057 Have you ever talked into an acoustic modem? 0058 ... Did it answer? 0059 Can you whistle 300 baud? 0060 ... 1200 baud? 0061 Can you whistle a telephone number? 0062 Have you witnessed a disk crash? 0063 Have you made a disk drive "walk"? 0064 Can you build a puffer train? 0065 ... Do you know what it is? 0066 Can you play music on your line printer? 0067 ... Your disk drive? 0068 ... Your tape drive? 0069 Do you have a Snoopy calendar? 0070 ... Is it out-of-date? 0071 Do you have a line printer picture of... 0072 ... the Mona Lisa? 0073 ... the Enterprise? 0074 ... Einstein? 0075 ... Oliver? 0076 Have you ever made a line printer picture? 0077 Do you know what the following stand for? 0078 ... DASD 0079 ... Emacs 0080 ... ITS 0081 ... RSTS/E 0082 ... SNA 0083 ... Spool 0084 ... TCP/IP Have you ever used 0085 ... TPU? 0086 ... TECO? 0087 ... Emacs? 0088 ... ed? 0089 ... vi? 0090 ... Xedit (in VM/CMS)? 0091 ... SOS? 0092 ... EDT? 0093 ... Wordstar? 0094 Have you ever written a CLIST? Have you ever programmed in 0095 ... the X windowing system? 0096 ... CICS? 0097 Have you ever received a Fax or a photocopy of a floppy? 0098 Have you ever shown a novice the "any" key? 0099 ... Was it the power switch? Have you ever attended 0100 ... Usenix? 0101 ... DECUS? 0102 ... SHARE? 0103 ... SIGGRAPH? 0104 ... NetCon? 0105 Have you ever participated in a standards group? 0106 Have you ever debugged machine code over the telephone? 0107 Have you ever seen voice mail? 0108 ... Can you read it? 0109 Do you solve word puzzles with an on-line dictionary? 0110 Have you ever taken a Turing test? 0111 ... Did you fail? 0112 Ever drop a card deck? 0113 ... Did you successfully put it back together? 0114 ... Without looking? 0115 Have you ever used IPCS? 0116 Have you ever received a case of beer with your computer? 0117 Does your computer come in 'designer' colors? 0118 Ever interrupted a UPS? 0119 Ever mask an NMI? 0120 Have you ever set off a Halon system? 0121 ... Intentionally? 0122 ... Do you still work there? 0123 Have you ever hit the emergency power switch? 0124 ... Intentionally? 0125 Do you have any defunct documentation? 0126 ... Do you still read it? 0127 Ever reverse-engineer or decompile a program? 0128 ... Did you find bugs in it? 0129 Ever help the person behind the counter with their terminal/computer? 0130 Ever tried rack mounting your telephone? 0131 Ever thrown a computer from more than two stories high? 0132 Ever patched a bug the vendor does not acknowledge? 0133 Ever fix a hardware problem in software? 0134 ... Vice versa? 0135 Ever belong to a user/support group? 0136 Ever been mentioned in Computer Recreations? 0137 Ever had your activities mentioned in the newspaper? 0138 ... Did you get away with it? 0139 Ever engage a drum brake while the drum was spinning? 0140 Ever write comments in a non-native language? 0141 Ever physically destroy equipment from software? 0142 Ever tried to improve your score on the Hacker Test? 0143 Do you take listings with you to lunch? 0144 ... To bed? 0145 Ever patch a microcode bug? 0146 ... around a microcode bug? 0147 Can you program a Turing machine? 0148 Can you convert postfix to prefix in your head? 0149 Can you convert hex to octal in your head? 0150 Do you know how to use a Kleene star? 0151 Have you ever starved while dining with philosophers? 0152 Have you solved the halting problem? 0153 ... Correctly? 0154 Ever deadlock trying eating spaghetti? 0155 Ever written a self-reproducing program? 0156 Ever swapped out the swapper? 0157 Can you read a state diagram? 0158 ... Do you need one? 0159 Ever create an unkillable program? 0160 ... Intentionally? 0161 Ever been asked for a cookie? 0162 Ever speed up a system by removing a jumper? * Do you know... 0163 Do you know who wrote Rogue? 0164 ... Rogomatic? 0165 Do you know Gray code? 0166 Do you know what HCF means? 0167 ... Ever use it? 0168 ... Intentionally? 0169 Do you know what a lace card is? 0170 ... Ever make one? 0171 Do you know the end of the epoch? 0172 ... Have you celebrated the end of an epoch? 0173 ... Did you have to rewrite code? 0174 Do you know the difference between DTE and DCE? 0175 Do you know the RS-232C pinout? 0176 ... Can you wire a connector without looking? * Do you have... 0177 Do you have a copy of Dec Wars? 0178 Do you have the Canonical Collection of Lightbulb Jokes? 0179 Do you have a copy of the Hacker's dictionary? 0180 ... Did you contribute to it? 0181 Do you have a flowchart template? 0182 ... Is it unused? 0183 Do you have your own fortune-cookie file? 0184 Do you have the Anarchist's Cookbook? 0185 ... Ever make anything from it? 0186 Do you own a modem? 0187 ... a terminal? 0188 ... a toy computer? 0189 ... a personal computer? 0190 ... a minicomputer? 0191 ... a mainframe? 0192 ... a supercomputer? 0193 ... a hypercube? 0194 ... a printer? 0195 ... a laser printer? 0196 ... a tape drive? 0197 ... an outmoded peripheral device? 0198 Do you have a programmable calculator? 0199 ... Is it RPN? 0200 Have you ever owned more than 1 computer? 0201 ... 4 computers? 0202 ... 16 computers? 0203 Do you have a SLIP line? 0204 ... a T1 line? 0205 Do you have a separate phone line for your terminal/computer? 0206 ... Is it legal? 0207 Do you have core memory? 0208 ... drum storage? 0209 ... bubble memory? 0210 Do you use more than 16 megabytes of disk space? 0211 ... 256 megabytes? 0212 ... 1 gigabyte? 0213 ... 16 gigabytes? 0214 ... 256 gigabytes? 0215 ... 1 terabyte? 0216 Do you have an optical disk/disk drive? 0217 Do you have a personal magnetic tape library? 0218 ... Is it unlabelled? 0219 Do you own more than 16 floppy disks? 0220 ... 64 floppy disks? 0221 ... 256 floppy disks? 0222 ... 1024 floppy disks? 0223 Do you have any 8-inch disks? 0224 Do you have an internal stack? 0225 Do you have a clock interrupt? 0226 Do you own volumes 1 to 3 of _The Art of Computer Programming_? 0227 ... Have you done all the exercises? 0228 ... Do you have a MIX simulator? 0229 ... Can you name the unwritten volumes? 0230 Can you quote from _The Mythical Man-month_? 0231 ... Did you participate in the OS/360 project? 0232 Do you have a TTL handbook? 0233 Do you have printouts more than three years old? * Career 0234 Do you have a job? 0235 ... Have you ever had a job? 0236 ... Was it computer-related? 0237 Do you work irregular hours? 0238 Have you ever been a system administrator? 0239 Do you have more megabytes than megabucks? 0240 Have you ever downgraded your job to upgrade your processing power? 0241 Is your job secure? 0242 ... Do you have code to prove it? 0243 Have you ever had a security clearance? * Games 0244 Have you ever played Pong? Have you ever played 0246 ... Spacewar? 0247 ... Star Trek? 0248 ... Wumpus? 0249 ... Lunar Lander? 0250 ... Empire? Have you ever beaten 0251 ... Moria 4.8? 0252 ... Rogue 3.6? 0253 ... Rogue 5.3? 0254 ... Larn? 0255 ... Hack 1.0.3? 0256 ... Nethack 2.4? 0257 Can you get a better score on Rogue than Rogomatic? 0258 Have you ever solved Adventure? 0259 ... Zork? 0260 Have you ever written any redcode? 0261 Have you ever written an adventure program? 0262 ... a real-time game? 0263 ... a multi-player game? 0264 ... a networked game? 0265 Can you out-doctor Eliza? * Hardware 0266 Have you ever used a light pen? 0267 ... did you build it? Have you ever used 0268 ... a teletype? 0269 ... a paper tape? 0270 ... a decwriter? 0271 ... a card reader/punch? 0272 ... a SOL? Have you ever built 0273 ... an Altair? 0274 ... a Heath/Zenith computer? Do you know how to use 0275 ... an oscilliscope? 0276 ... a voltmeter? 0277 ... a frequency counter? 0278 ... a logic probe? 0279 ... a wirewrap tool? 0280 ... a soldering iron? 0281 ... a logic analyzer? 0282 Have you ever designed an LSI chip? 0283 ... has it been fabricated? 0284 Have you ever etched a printed circuit board? * Historical 0285 Have you ever toggled in boot code on the front panel? 0286 ... from memory? 0287 Can you program an Eniac? 0288 Ever seen a 90 column card? * IBM 0289 Do you recite IBM part numbers in your sleep? 0290 Do you know what IBM part number 7320154 is? 0291 Do you understand 3270 data streams? 0292 Do you know what the VM privilege classes are? 0293 Have you IPLed an IBM off the tape drive? 0294 ... off a card reader? 0295 Can you sing something from the IBM Songbook? * Languages 0296 Do you know more than 4 programming languages? 0297 ... 8 languages? 0298 ... 16 languages? 0299 ... 32 languages? 0300 Have you ever designed a programming language? 0301 Do you know what Basic stands for? 0302 ... Pascal? 0303 Can you program in Basic? 0304 ... Do you admit it? 0305 Can you program in Cobol? 0306 ... Do you deny it? 0307 Do you know Pascal? 0308 ... Modula-2? 0309 ... Oberon? 0310 ... More that two Wirth languages? 0311 ... Can you recite a Nicklaus Wirth joke? 0312 Do you know Algol-60? 0313 ... Algol-W? 0314 ... Algol-68? 0315 ... Do you understand the Algol-68 report? 0316 ... Do you like two-level grammars? 0317 Can you program in assembler on 2 different machines? 0318 ... on 4 different machines? 0319 ... on 8 different machines? Do you know 0320 ... APL? 0321 ... Ada? 0322 ... BCPL? 0323 ... C++? 0324 ... C? 0325 ... Comal? 0326 ... Eiffel? 0327 ... Forth? 0328 ... Fortran? 0329 ... Hypertalk? 0330 ... Icon? 0331 ... Lisp? 0332 ... Logo? 0333 ... MIIS? 0334 ... MUMPS? 0335 ... PL/I? 0336 ... Pilot? 0337 ... Plato? 0338 ... Prolog? 0339 ... RPG? 0340 ... Rexx (or ARexx)? 0341 ... SETL? 0342 ... Smalltalk? 0343 ... Snobol? 0344 ... VHDL? 0345 ... any assembly language? 0346 Can you talk VT-100? 0347 ... Postscript? 0348 ... SMTP? 0349 ... UUCP? 0350 ... English? * Micros 0351 Ever copy a copy-protected disk? 0352 Ever create a copy-protection scheme? 0353 Have you ever made a "flippy" disk? 0354 Have you ever recovered data from a damaged disk? 0355 Ever boot a naked floppy? * Networking 0356 Have you ever been logged in to two different timezones at once? 0357 Have you memorized the UUCP map for your country? 0358 ... For any country? 0359 Have you ever found a sendmail bug? 0360 ... Was it a security hole? 0361 Have you memorized the HOSTS.TXT table? 0362 ... Are you up to date? 0363 Can you name all the top-level nameservers and their addresses? 0364 Do you know RFC-822 by heart? 0365 ... Can you recite all the errors in it? 0366 Have you written a Sendmail configuration file? 0367 ... Does it work? 0368 ... Do you mumble "defocus" in your sleep? 0369 Do you know the max packet lifetime? * Operating systems Can you use 0370 ... BSD Unix? 0371 ... non-BSD Unix? 0372 ... AIX 0373 ... VM/CMS? 0374 ... VMS? 0375 ... MVS? 0376 ... VSE? 0377 ... RSTS/E? 0378 ... CP/M? 0379 ... COS? 0380 ... NOS? 0381 ... CP-67? 0382 ... RT-11? 0383 ... MS-DOS? 0384 ... Finder? 0385 ... Taligent? 0386 ... more than one OS for the TRS-80? 0387 ... Tops-10? 0388 ... Tops-20? 0389 ... OS-9? 0390 ... OS/2? 0391 ... AOS/VS? 0392 ... Multics? 0393 ... ITS? 0394 ... Vulcan? 0395 Have you ever paged or swapped off a tape drive? 0396 ... Off a card reader/punch? 0397 ... Off a teletype? 0398 ... Off a networked (non-local) disk? 0399 Have you ever found an operating system bug? 0400 ... Did you exploit it? 0401 ... Did you report it? 0402 ... Was your report ignored? 0403 Have you ever crashed a machine? 0404 ... Intentionally? * People 0405 Do you know any people? 0406 ... more than one? 0407 ... more than two? * Personal 0408 Are your shoelaces untied? 0409 Do you interface well with strangers? 0410 Are you able to recite phone numbers for half-a-dozen computer systems but unable to recite your own? 0411 Do you log in before breakfast? 0412 Do you consume more than LD-50 caffeine a day? 0413 Do you answer either-or questions with "yes"? 0414 Do you own an up-to-date copy of any operating system manual? 0415 ... *every* operating system manual? 0416 Do other people have difficulty using your customized environment? 0417 Do you dream in any programming languages? 0418 Do you have difficulty focusing on three-dimensional objects? 0419 Do you ignore mice? 0420 Do you despise the CAPS LOCK key? 0421 Do you believe menus belong in restaurants? 0422 Do you have a Mandelbrot hanging on your wall? 0423 Have you ever decorated with magnetic tape or punched cards? 0424 Do you have a disk platter or a naked floppy hanging in your home? 0425 Have you ever seen the dawn? 0426 ... Twice in a row? 0427 Do you use "foobar" in daily conversation? 0428 ... "bletch"? 0429 Do you use the "P convention"? 0430 Do you automatically respond to any user question with RTFM? 0431 ... Do you know what it means? 0432 Do you think garbage collection means memory management? 0433 Do you have problems allocating horizontal space in your room/office? 0434 Do you read Scientific American in bars to pick up women? 0435 Is your license plate computer-related? 0436 Have you ever taken the Purity test? 0437 Ever have an out-of-CPU experience? 0438 Have you ever set up a blind date over the computer? 0439 Do you talk to the person next to you via computer? * Programming 0440 Can you write a Fortran compiler? 0441 ... In TECO? 0442 Can you read a machine dump? 0443 Can you disassemble code in your head? Have you ever written 0444 ... a compiler? 0445 ... an operating system? 0446 ... a device driver? 0447 ... a text processor? 0448 ... a display hack? 0449 ... a database system? 0450 ... an expert system? 0451 ... an edge detector? 0452 ... a real-time control system? 0453 ... an accounting package? 0454 ... a virus? 0455 ... a prophylactic? 0456 Have you ever written a biorhythm program? 0457 ... Did you sell the output? 0458 ... Was the output arbitrarily invented? 0459 Have you ever computed pi to more than a thousand decimal places? 0460 ... the number e? 0461 Ever find a prime number of more than a hundred digits? 0462 Have you ever written self-modifying code? 0463 ... Are you proud of it? 0464 Did you ever write a program that ran correctly the first time? 0465 ... Was it longer than 20 lines? 0466 ... 100 lines? 0467 ... Was it in assembly language? 0468 ... Did it work the second time? 0469 Can you solve the Towers of Hanoi recursively? 0470 ... Non-recursively? 0471 ... Using the Troff text formatter? 0472 Ever submit an entry to the Obfuscated C code contest? 0473 ... Did it win? 0474 ... Did your entry inspire a new rule? 0475 Do you know Duff's device? 0476 Do you know Jensen's device? 0477 Ever spend ten minutes trying to find a single-character error? 0478 ... More than an hour? 0479 ... More than a day? 0480 ... More than a week? 0481 ... Did the first person you show it to find it immediately? * Unix 0482 Can you use Berkeley Unix? 0483 .. Non-Berkeley Unix? 0484 Can you distinguish between sections 4 and 5 of the Unix manual? 0485 Can you find TERMIO in the System V release 2 documentation? 0486 Have you ever mounted a tape as a Unix file system? 0487 Have you ever built Minix? 0488 Can you answer "quiz function ed-command" correctly? 0489 ... How about "quiz ed-command function"? * Usenet 0490 Do you read news? 0491 ... More than 32 newsgroups? 0492 ... More than 256 newsgroups? 0493 ... All the newsgroups? 0494 Have you ever posted an article? 0495 ... Do you post regularly? 0496 Have you ever posted a flame? 0497 ... Ever flame a cross-posting? 0498 ... Ever flame a flame? 0499 ... Do you flame regularly? 0500 Ever have your program posted to a source newsgroup? 0501 Ever forge a posting? 0502 Ever form a new newsgroup? 0503 ... Does it still exist? 0504 Do you remember 0505 ... mod.ber? 0506 ... the Stupid People's Court? 0507 ... Bandy-grams? * Phreaking 0508 Have you ever built a black box? 0509 Can you name all of the 'colors' of boxes? 0510 ... and their associated functions? 0511 Does your touch tone phone have 16 DTMF buttons on it? 0512 Did the breakup of MaBell create more opportunities for you? 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Airplane Humor ------------- Question: What separates flight attendants from the scum of the earth? Answer: The cockpit door. Pilot's bumper sticker: Don't tell my mother I'm an airline pilot. She thinks I'm a piano player in a whore house. Heard from the flight attendant: "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until the captain has come to a complete stop. We don't want you arriving at the gate before the plane does." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 The following are some misinterpreted offerings from the land of Christianity: "The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind, and they can be seen in the curch basement Friday afternoon." "Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church So ends a friendship that began in school days. "Thursdays at 5p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mother's Club. All wishing to become little mothers will please meet with the minister in the study." "Due to the rector's illness, Wdnesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice." "Today's sermon : "HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK?", with hymns from a full choir." "on a chuch bulletin board: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better" "Don't let worry kill you - let the church help" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Once upon a time in the north woods, a fly hovered about 10 inches above a mountain stream. Below the surface of the stream, a salmon watched the fly closely. "If he just lowers himself about 4 inches, I'll garb him and have my lunch," he thought. A bear was crouched on the bank of the stream. He was watching the salmon closely. "If that fly just gets 4 inches lower, the salmon will grab him, and I can grab the salmon and have a nice lunch," the bear thought. A hunter was hiding behind a tree, watching the bear. "If that fly gets about 4 inches lower, the salmon will grab him, the bear will raise up to get the salmon and I will have a clear shot at him," the hunter thought. A mouse was crouching behind the hunter. He was eyeing a cheese sandwich which the hunter had in his hip pocket. "If that fly gets 4 inches lower, the salmon will jump for it, the bear will raise up to get the salmon, the hunter will shoot, the recoil of his gun will knock the cheese sandwich from his pocket, and I'll have my lunch," the mouse thought. A bobcat was in a tree near the mouse. He was watching the mouse carefully. "If that fly lowers 4 inches, the salmon will grab him, the bear will grab the salmon, the hunter will shoot, the cheese sandwich will fall from his pocket, the mouse will eat it and I will pounce on the mouse and have my lunch," the bobcat thought." The fly went 4 inches lower, the salmon jumped, the bear grabbed the salmon, the hunter shot. The cheese sandwich fell from his pocket, the mouse was devouring the sandwich, the bobcat pounced, but the bank was very slippery, and the bobcat fell into the stream and got drenched. . MORAL: When a fly is lowered about 4 inches, a pussy will get drenched. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 - 1 - HUMATRANS (A Transportation Device for Homo Sapiens) Dinesh Nettar- and M.S.Moni= Regional Sophisticated Instrumentation Centre, Indian Institute of Technology, Madras 600 036, India Abstract This device principally operates on the transmission of mechanical energy delivered from the payload to circular rotators that enable positive displacement of the operating system. The linear motion of the payload energy source is converted to circular motion in the device. 1. COMPONENTS AND OPERATION 1.1 FRAMEWORK The device is built around a triangular framework, to ensure structural stability[1]. Its tubular construction enables reduced gravitational load[2] without sacrificing mechanical integrity. All the remaining components are mounted on this structure. 1.2 BRANCHED COUPLERS On this framework, two rotators are mounted through a pair of branched couplers. The aft coupler is linear, while the forward coupler is semi-parabolic[3]. Its non-radial orientation ensures automatic return to default theta setting on normal operating surfaces. Its non-linearity provides partial attenuation of low -------------------------- - Present (in 1984) Address: Department of Chemistry, The Pennsylvania State University, University Park, PA 16802, United States. = To whom no questions should be addressed. - 2 - frequency oscillations. The forward coupler is coincident with the theta control. 1.3 ROTATORS Each of the rotators has a cylindrical axial support at which place the coupler is joined. The grooved peripheral structure is connected to the axial support by a set of pre-stressed off- radial connectors. These connectors ensure relatively evenly distributed load. The peripheral structure carries an annular cover made of isoprene polymer duly processed with sulfur. The interstice between the cover and the peripheral structure is charged with a gaseous mixture of nitrogen, oxygen and other rare gases[4]. The gas mixture is prevented from leakage by a gas retainer. 1.4 GROOVED LAMINAS Semi-circular grooved laminas are mounted in proximity to both rotators. These prevent a slurry of SiO2, Fe2O3 and H2O from contaminating the energy source and operator from the operating surface. These usually terminate in isoprene polymer extenders. 1.5 DECELERATION CONTROL In operation, the rotators can be rapidly decelerated in the case of necessity. This is accomplished by depressing either or both the deceleration control bars on the theta control. These apply instantaneous large mechanical loads on the rotators by depressing isoprene polymer pads on the grooved peripheral devices. 1.6 ENERGY RECEIVERS AND TRANSMITTERS The aft rotator carries several circular energy receivers. These receivers have finite discontinuities on their circumference. The receivers are ordered in increasing radii. Each is concentric with the aft axial support. A discrete endless coupled energy transfer device connects any one of these receivers to one of the two energy transmitters of similar structure. These energy transmitter devices are mounted at the lower apex of the main triangular framework. The transmitters can be set in motion by imparting angular momentum via an orthogonal radial shaft. This shaft carries a perpendicular extension. The planarity of the extension is necessitated for positioning the operator's energy output source. This extension is pivoted to eliminate torsion of the energy source. - 3 - 1.7 DECOUPLING MECHANISM There is an ingeneous decoupling mechanism in the energy transfer device. While positive angular momenta are transferred from the energy transmitter to the receiver, the positive angular momenta of the receiver are not transmitted to the transmitter. This permits the energy source to be stressless during gravitationally favorable transportation environments. 1.8 THETA CONTROL Orientation mobility is ensured by a theta control. This is connected to the forward rotator coupler. This has a short arm symmetrically orthogonal to its main axis. It can be used to set theta from -pi/2 to pi/2 radians continuously and it defaults to zero on normal operating surfaces. The theta control usually carries additional controls that select combinations of the energy transmitters and receivers. These selections enable nearly continuous variation of angular momentum ratios between the energy source and the rotators. 1.9 POLYMER BASE A polymer base is securely mounted at the rear apex of the triangular framework. This supports the operator during operation. It is usually buffered by metallic helices[5] to minimize the transmission of low frequency oscillations from the operating surface to the operator. 2. ACCESSORIES (Only on some models) 2.1 ENERGY CONVERSION DEVICE An energy conversion device is used to convert mechanical energy into electrical energy by electromechanical induction[6]. The electrical flux generates a stream of photons by resistance[7] flow through a conductor enclosed in vacuum[8]. The photon stream enables optical feedback to improve when the ambient radiation characteristics are below optimum. 2.2 AUDIO-FREQUENCY SYNTHESIZER An audio-frequency synthesizer for generating approach signals is used to transmit early warning messages to surrounding areas to avert a possible momentum transfer. - 4 - 2.3 EXTRA PAYLOAD SUPPORT Extra payload can be transported by a support device. This is mounted vertically above the aft rotator and is connected to the aft axial coupler. 3. GENERAL REMARKS The device is ecologically excellent since it is totally non- contaminating. It is relatively very inexpensive, very easy to maintain[9] and often portable. Its reduced width requirements and height make it ideal for almost any kind of operating surface. It also provides much-needed muscular training to the users, besides agreeable diversement. However, it is not self-propelled and so tends to deplete the energy source during prolonged operations. It is a low-priority device on most operating surfaces since it does not reach high linear velocities. Due to its reduced gravitational stability, the operator must be cautious not to provide a cushion[10] for the internal combustion driven devices. It cannot be computerized. REFERENCES 1. Euclid, Principia Triangularica Stabilica, (Latin Transl.), 45, 120 (145 B.C.). 2. Newton, I., J. Grav., 1, 1 (1705). 3. The exact equation is beyond the scope of this document. A detailed explanation can be found in J. Math. Parabol., -25, 45 (2045). 4. Lavoisier, A-L, Sur la Composition de l'Aire, Paris Bench Press, Paris, 1781, Chapter 4, pp 104-121. 5. For a description of helices, see Watson, Crick and Wilkins, Nobel Prize Acceptance Speech, Stockholm, 1962. 6. Faraday, M., Electromagnetic Ind., 4, 1 (1833). 7. Ohm, G.S., Proc. Roy. Soc. Elec. Engg., 222 (1827). 8. Edison, T.A., U.S.Patent No. 413478345 (1883). 9. This is essentially adding a mixture of higher alkanes. 10. Bureau of Statistics, Report on the Number of Fatalities, Section 8, Table 19, p 153 (1979). 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 beta test, v. To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three. In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos. bit, n. A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25 cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years ago. buzzword, n. The fly in the ointment of computer literacy. clone, n. 1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their product." 2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product is a clone of our product." enhance, v. To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment. genlock, n. Why he stays in the bottle. guru, n. A computer owner who can read the manual. handshaking protocol, n. A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initate a terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling. italic, adj. Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases. Unique to Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases are often slanted to the left. Japan, n. A fictional place where elves, gnomes and economic imperialists create electronic equipment and computers using black magic. It is said that in the capital city of Akihabara, the streets are paved with gold and semiconductor chips grow on low bushes from which they are harvested by the happy natives. kern, v. 1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear of corn. 2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small, metal object used as part of the monetary system. modem, adj. Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie." An unfortunate byproduct of kerning. pixel, n. A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays. The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology: Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department. prototype, n. First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, folowed by pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version, upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its successors, the prototype is not expected to work. revolutionary, adj. Repackaged. Unix, N. A computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off with the workstation harem. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Q. What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have? A. Baby Dinosaurs. Q. Where does a Tyrannosaurus sit when he comes to stay? A. Anywhere he wants to. Q. What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters? A. Tyrannosaurus wrecks. Q. Can you name 10 dinosaurs in 10 seconds? A. Yes, 8 iguanadons and 2 stegasaurus. Q. What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot? A. Sir. Q. What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, 12 claws on each foot and a personal stereo over his ears? A. Anything you like, he won't hear you! Q. What do you get if you cross a mouse with a triceratops? A. Enormous holes in the skirting board. Q. How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you? A. By the `D' on his pajamas. Q. How do you know if there is a brachiosaurus in bed with you? A. By the dinosnores. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change. -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch?! Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. I know what you're up to, you white-feathered fiend! Go release your bowels on some lesser personage! (upon seeing a bird overhead) If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a buzz-saw. The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. Women are like elephants to me: I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one. Once...in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 After several years of marriage, Debbie's husband, Mike, died suddenly. According to his wishes, Debbie had his body cremated and placed the remains in a small urn. Several weeks later, Debbie came home wearing a full-length mink coat and an eight-carat diamond ring. She went into the living room, removed the urn from the mantel and carefully tapped Mike's ashes into a small dish on the coffee table. "Mike, my beloved Mike," she began, "I wish to talk to you. Mike, do you remember, for several years you promised me a mink coat? Well, here it is, Mike. do you like it? "And, Mike," she continued, "do you remember, for several years you promised me a diamond ring? Yes? You remember? Here it is, Mike. Do you like it? "Well," Debbie exclaimed, puffing Mike's ashes into the air, "there's that blow job I was promising you." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Czech walks into police station in 1968 during the Fraternal Assistance. Czech: Hey, out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and took my Russian watch. Desk Sergeant: Come again? Czech: Are you deaf? Out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and took my Russian watch. Desk Sergeant: You're confused. It was a Russian soldier who knocked you down and took your Swiss watch. Czech: Well, maybe, but you said it, not me. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 This was published in The South Texas Fisherman, sometime 1972. I'd like to take credit for it but the "Bill Kennedy" author is Sr, I'm Jr. TALKING TO FISH by Bill Kennedy A character in one of Shakespeare's plays, boasting of his accomplishments said "I can call up monsters from the vasty deep." Any fisherman could have given the answer: "So can I and so can any man, but will they come?" Men and women have been calling to fish, pleading with them and swearing at them without response since the beginning of time. A federally supported research project may change that situation. Working with the whale family (porpoise or dolphin), scientists in Florida have set out to translate fish language. They are not far along yet but have made some headway. Various clicks and whistles have been recorded that indicate, at least in the whale family, one fish has a way to commun- icating what is on his mind to another fish. If the research continues as planned, it should be only a matter of time until man will be able to reporoduce fish noises and communicate what is on his mind to bass, perch, and catfish. All right-minded fishermen agree that fish-talk research projects should be cancelled and the scientists in it forced to seek other employment. The reasoning behind this point of view is simple and sound. If the research continues to its logical conclusion, fishing will cease to be the pleasant and relaxing sport that it now is. Fishing will become a business of bellowing speeches in fish language designed to convince fish that they would be better off on the bank or in the boat than they are in the water. In such circumstances any fool knows who the men that will catch all the fish will be. They will be politicians! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴