ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ· ³ º ³ H - M A I L 1 7 . T X T º ³ º ÔÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍͼ I haven't a clue how this ever came to be, but this has to be the single best volume of jokes I've had the pleasure of compiling. Not to say that the previous ones are tripe... it's just that this one has truly got me ROTFL!! You'll see what I mean once you've read... Title: H-MAIL17.TXT (formatted to 66 lines per page) File size: 200,000 bytes Date: 15-10-95 [Standard advert] All H-MAIL?? files are available at ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ³ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ ³ ³ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ ³ ³ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ ³ ³ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ ³ ³ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ ³ ³ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ ³ ³ ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ³ ³ The HMVH Corporation ³ ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ Bulletin Board System [+27 11] (011) 941-1341 USR V.34/V.fc (24 Hours) ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and his older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old man in is a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: "I must be dreaming of heaven. I smell your grandmother's strudel." "No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now." "I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a sliver?" the old man begs with what is left of his final breath. One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man's last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed. "Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious strudel?" the old man plaintively queries? "I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the funeral." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To: ALL ENGINEERS From: STANDARDS COMMITTEE Subject: PROPOSED REVISED STANDARD FOR PIPE AND PIPE FITTING (1) All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal concentric to the hole. (2) All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length. (3) All pipe is to be of very best quality, perfectly tubular or pipular. (4) All acid proof pipe is to be made of acid proof material. (5) O.D. of pipe must exceed the I.D., otherwise the hole will be on the outside. (6) All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date. (7) All pipe is to be supplied without rust, as this can be more readily put on at the job site. (8) All pipe is to be cleaned from any covering such as mud, tar, barnacles or any form of manure before putting up, otherwise it will make lumps under the paint. (9) All pipe over 500 feet long must have the words "LONG PIPE" clearly painted on each end so that fitter will know that it is a long pipe. (10) Pipe over two miles long must also have these words painted in the middle so that fitter will not have to walk the full length of the pipe to determine if it is a long pipe or not. (11) All pipe over 6 inches in diameter is to have the words "LARGE PIPE" painted on it so that fitter will not use it for small pipe. (12) All pipe closers are to be open on one end. (13) All pipe fittings are to be made of the same stuff as pipe. (14) No fittings are to be put on pipe unless specified. If you do, straight pipe becomes crooked pipe. (15) FITTINGS come in all sorts of sizes and shapes. Be sure to specify the direction you are going when ordering. (16) If flanges are to be blank or blind, the big hole in the middle must be filled with metal. (17) All flanges must be cast or forged of very best quality iron metal, close grained, free from blow holes, lumps, cavities, pock marks, pin pricks, and warts, otherwise we can't use them. (18) Gaskets are to be used to fill space between flanges. (19) Gaskets are to be made of metal, rubber, plastic, paper, or some kind of goop - do not use cow or sheep manure. It cracks when it gets dry. (20) All bolts must have a head on one end and a nut on the other. (21) All piping must be installed with valves. (22) All valves must have an opening on each end with a flapper in the middle that goes up and down or sideways when you turn the wheel or crank so that it will open or close, otherwise the stuff will run out of the ends. (23) Valves are to be furnished by the kind required as follows: Ball valves have a ball inside. Gate valves have a gate inside. Glove valves have a glove inside. Check valves have a check inside. Angle valves have an angle inside. Plug valves have a plug inside. Diaphragm valves have a diaphragm inside. (24) All completed piping lines must go somewhere and connect to something. The fitter is required to verify this before turnover. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The following may help Parents better understand their child/children school report card in Alabama. Satisfactory progress .......... I can't think of a single interesting thing about him/her. A born leader .......... Mafia "Godfather" type. Easy going .......... Bone idle. Lively nature .......... Thoroughly disruptive. Good progress .......... If you think present work is bad, you should have seen it a year ago. A sensitive child .......... Never stops whining. Helpful .......... Creep. Reliable .......... Grasses on his mates. Co-operative .......... Teacher's pet. Adventurous .......... Could break his neck before the year is over. Has difficulty in forming stable relationships .......... I can't stand him/her either. Self confident .......... Cheeky little bastard. Good at contact sports .......... Thug. Fond of music .......... Anything to get out of work. Suffers from minor ailments .......... Truants regularly. Friendly .......... Never shuts up. Easily distracted .......... Hasn't produced a decent piece of work all year. Works better in a small group ........ Daren't take my eyes off him/her. Imaginative .......... Careless with the truth. Needs encouragement .......... Thick as a brick. Expresses himself clearly .......... Swears like a trooper. Keen to do well .......... Egotistical. All work is of a high standard ....... Has ambitious middle-class parents. Does not easily accept authority ..... Potential criminal. Is easily upset .......... Spoilt rotten. Often appears tired .......... Stays up until all hours watching late movies or's into glue sniffing. Good at practical activities ......... Illiterate. A rather solitary child .......... Has B. O. or nits. Clever with his hands .......... Light fingered. Independent minded .......... For "independent" read "bloody". Enjoys extra-curricular activities ... Flogs fags and dope. Determined .......... Completely lacking all scruples. Inclined to day dream .......... In one ear and out the other. A good sense of humor .......... Teases other kids unmercifully. Enjoys all P. E. activities .......... Muscle bound moron. Reads well aloud .......... In love with his/her own voice. A quiet child .......... Lacks self confidence and initiative. Easily influenced .......... The class fall guy. Popular with classmates .......... Brings in dad's girlie magazines. A vivid imagination .......... Never short of an excuse. An inquisitive mind .......... Caught playing "Doctors and Nurses". Forging his way steadily ahead ....... Cheats all the time. Is dyslexic .......... Blind as a bat. Artistic .......... Exponent of graffiti. Likes to proceed in his own way ...... Mulishly obstinate. Open to suggestion .......... No mind of his own. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The IBM salesman and the IBM system analyst went to spend a weekend in the forest, hunting bear. They hired a log cabin, and when they got there, took their backpacks off and put them inside. At which point the salesman said to the systems analyst: "You unpack while I go and find us a bear." The analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat outside to await events. He did not have to wait too long. Soon he could hear noises in the forest. The noises got nearer - and suddenly there was the salesman, running across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and most ferocious Brown Bears the analyst had ever seen. "Open the door! shouted the salesman. The analyst opened the door. The salesman ran to the door, suddenly stopped, and stepped aside. The Bear carried by its momentum, continued though the door and disappeared inside. The salesman promptly shut the door on it, turned, looked at the analyst, and said: "Ok, you skin that one while I go rustle us up another." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ *********************** * HOW TO TAKE NOTES * *********************** WHEN PROFESSOR MITCHELL SAYS: YOU WRITE: "Probably the greatest quality of the poetry of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the combination of beauty and power. Few have John Milton--born 1608 excelled him in the use of the English language, or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form, 'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest single poem ever written." "When Lafayette first came to this country, he discovered America. The Americans needed his Lafayette discovered America help if their cause was to survive, and this he promptly supplied them." "Current historians have come to Most of the problems that now face doubt the complete advantageousness the United States are directly of some of Roosevelt's policies" traceable to the bungling and greed of President Roosevelt. "...it is possible that we do Professor Mitchell is a communist not understand the Russian viewpoint..." "The puissance of hydrochloric acid is incontestable; however, Hydrochloric acid eats the hell the corrosive residue is out of steel inharmonious with metallic persistance." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Here are highlights from Comedy Celebration Day on July 31, 1988 in San Francisco. These are some of the comedians more memorable quotes during the day: Michael McShane --------------- I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a toilet seat. I'm a Psychic Amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget. Sue Murphy ---------- Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!" Fred Reuss ---------- I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours. Great song. Yuppie pregnant women don't go into labor, they go straight into management. Jake Johansen ------------- A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too." Buzz Belmondo ------------- It gives me great pleasure to introduce this next comedian. But before I give myself great pleasure.... Lank and Earl ------------- Lank: Here we go. We're about to set a new record. Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date? Lank: We've done it. Earl has set a new record. Turned down by 20,000 women. Bruce Baum ---------- I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm way too high." Mark Pitta ---------- I like to sing to the songs on the radio in my car. When you go into a tunnel, it's hard to come out on the right note. Actually, the news is more difficult. I like to go to concerts that are related, like Talking Heads with Simple Minds. I also rent videos together too. Last week I rented "Bambi" and "The Deerhunter." Mark Guido ---------- Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they had towels from my house. I play golf even though I hate it. I'm not done with a game yet. I hate those windmills. Steve Kravitz ------------- How about those Dodge Turbo Wagons?! What's the deal on those anyway? You can sleep in the back while you're waiting for a tow truck. Jim Samuels ----------- I don't have a problem with San Francisco parking. I drive a forklift. This Thanksgiving is gonna be a special one. My mom says I don't have to sit at the card table. Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph. Al Clethen ---------- In Los Angeles, McDonalds quickly reacted to the highway shootings. They came out with 'Happy To Be Alive Meals.' LA is a real strange place. Even the Chinese Drivers honk me for driving too slow. Kevin Rooney ------------ I have one of those real old American built cars. The kind that just PUNCHES through accidents. John ????? ---------- You just know when a relationship is about to end. My girlfriend called me at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom. "It's very simple," I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water..." Michael Prichard ---------------- I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant, someone left town. Authors Unknown, but still funny ------------------------------- There are a lot of drunk people about to drive home, so drive as fast as you can. It's harder for drunk people to hit you. Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the weirdest people to talk to. And you just HAVE to watch it. "Blind, masochistic minority, crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the women who love them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey." You're a great crowd. No, you're not a crowd, you're a mob. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The little Indian chap comes walking up to his father one fine morning with a question which has been bothering him for a long time now. "Daddy, why is your name Broken Arrow?" "Now son, my mother didn't quite know what to call me when I was born. One day I was practising my archery on some buck, but I shot miss and the arrow broke, and from there my name. You see?" "Yes Daddy. Then how come Mommy's name is Bubbling Brook?" "Well, she was born beside a bubbling brook, so she was named accordingly." "Oh I see. And Sis's name, Wild Flower?" "She was born as beautiful as one, my boy." "Oh!" "But why do you keep asking me all these questions, Broken Rubber?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ "I understand the attorneys are having a lot of trouble finding jurors for the Oliver North trial.. They have to locate 12 people that have never heard of the Iran-Contra scandal ... ... so far, they've only been able to come up with George Bush." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ YOU KNOW YOU'RE HEADED FOR A LIFE OF CRIME WHEN... ================================================== (c)1994 Sandy Illes ... The kids at school refer to you as "Capo." ... You force your parents to sign fake notes excusing you from school... at gunpoint. ... The words the other kids in grade 3 say to you most often are "Don't shoot!" ... Your probation officer is the same age as you - and you're 8. ... The principal pays you protection money. ... Your April Fool's prank traditionally involves shooting a teacher. ... You still have to take Children's Aspirin but are selling heroin at school. ... The school is afraid to suspend you. ... You've been on the FBI's Most Wanted list since you were 5. ... You try to bribe judges with Transformers and GI Joe figurines. ... You don't have a clue about basic math but know everything about Uzis. ... You began hijacking in kindergarden - with a school bus. ... You haven't even reached puberty - but run a prostitution ring. ... Your homeroom teacher has already made two attempts on your life. ... There's a cell reserved in your name at Sing Sing. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A car full of white southern boys was speeding through Bainbridge, Georgia when they passed a parked sheriff's car. A chase ensued, during which the white boys' car crashed into the back of a car full of blacks who were stopped at a red light. The sheriff arrived at the scene and got out of his car. He walked over to the white boys and said, "All right, boys, how fast were those niggers going when they backed up into you?" A Polish girl called up her druggist and asked him what she could do for her boyfriend's dandruff. The druggist recommended Head & Shoulders. She called back a week later and asked, "How do you give someone shoulders?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The Orange County Register (Calif newspaper) had an article entitled "Dates from Hell". It featured letters from various people about their experiences. Here are a few (names deleted): The Restaurant Tirade My date and I were drinking coffee and eating ice cream in a restaurant. I was enjoying his extravagant compliments when I saw a snarling woman walk up behind him. She addressed him for all to hear and he spun around. He made hasty, embarrassed introductions. "Does your friend know you're engaged to be married?" she yelled. "How would you like it if I pulled her long hair out by the roots?" she threatened. Her tirade went on for 30 minutes. You may wonder why I let it go on for so long. Well, when you're a senior citizen, you don't get this kind of excitement. Shopping at Sears I was not impressed when my date showed up in 100 percent polyester, including outdated bell-bottoms that were checkered and much too short, revealing white socks and slip-on, non-leather shoes. His car didn't look much better. I've never made it a point to ask guys what kind of car they drive, but it's worth knowing if a car is safe to ride in. His definitely wasn't. It was a huge, old "boat"-style car, rusted out and sporting a crack in the windshield. Beneath my feet was a factory recall notice from 1968. As we journeyed on, my only hope was that he would make it safely to the restaurant he had chosen for me, one of his favorites, he said. He pulled into the parking lot of a place known for its "blue plate specials" and rubbery quiche. After that he treated me to a free concert, but we agreed the band was pretty bad. He suggested we continue the evening by shopping at Sears for a bicycle he had seen in a sale flier. The Short-of-Change Artist My date asked me to go with him and some friends to a Raiders game on one of those bus package deals... The bus provided free beer in cans and he wanted me to smuggle several cans into the coliseum. I gave him my jacket and said he could take the responsibility for smuggling. After the game, we emerged to a parking lot of about 10,000 buses that looked alike. All 10,000 had their motors running, and we began walking through the fumes looking for our bus. As we walked we came upon dozens of beer-filled men relieving themselves against the tires of the closely parked buses. Then, one by one, those buses pulled away without us. Finally, it was just me and my date in a dark parking lot in a strange neighborhood. We walked across the street to a liquor store, where he went to the men's room again. Then he called a cab and I had to pay the $26 fare because he had no money. Less than Fine Dining At 5-foot-10 and 250 pounds, my date panted heavily after walking eight blocks to the restaurant. It was a sports bar filled with shouting, swearing, drinking men watching a Lakers-Celtics game. In the middle of eating our dinner a fight erupted at the next table. Food flew in the air and tables were turned over. It took several bouncers to end the fight, which left one man with torn clothing and a broken nose. My date seemed oblivious to the surroundings and couldn't understand why I wasn't eating. I told him I felt sick and needed some air. I needed a long walk to recover from the evening. The Laundry List of Losers A miserable date? Just one? 1. The man who claimed his sense of humor was his greatest asset and demonstrated it by doing Groucho Marx imitations all through dinner at a fancy restaurant. 2. The man who said he saw a "daddy" when he looked in the mirror and asked (on the first and only date) if I was ovulating. 3. The man who demanded a list of the "specific skills and strengths" that I could bring to a relationship, as well as an analysis of the "self-destructive patterns" that caused my divorce. 4. The man whose first words were "I'm sorry, I've got to concentrate on getting well tonight" and who spent most of the evening stuffing Vicks Vaporub up his nose. Self-realization and Sushi After attending a religious ceremony at my date's "self-realization temple" and eating a sushi dinner, we returned to my apartment for poetry reading. He had found many scraps of paper buried in his battered car, which he admitted to sleeping in often. He insisted on reading all of them in his most dramatic voice. After I had a few glasses of wine during his reading, I had the courage to show him some of my poetry. He read one or two, tossed them aside and said, "I'll reserve judgement on these." He then began a lengthy tirade on the artistic soul and how it can feel any emotion, whether it be male or female. Then he wanted to select different music. He started going through my albums because, he said, they were better than the tapes, which were made from those very same albums. He became very upset when I told him the turntable didn't work. He told me that I should take better care of my things. This harassment From a guy who sleeps in his car? I finally got him out of my apartment after fighting off more than just a first-date kiss. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A deaf man and his deaf wife were staying in a motel. Very late at night, the man went down to his car to get something they needed for the night, but hadn't bothered to take a key or remember the room number they had been assigned. His solution was simple: he blew the car horn until all but one of the room lights went on. He then confidently found his own room, the one where the light never went on. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Question: What does friendship among Soviet nationalities mean? Answer: It means that the Armenians take the Russians by the hand; the Russians take the Ukrainians by the hand; the Ukranians take the Uzbeks by the hand; and they all go and beat up the Jews. Question: What's meant by an exchange opinions in the Communist party of the Soviet Union? Answer: It's when I come to a party meeting with my own opinion, and I leave with the party's. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A new sales assistant was hired at a large dept. store. On his first day, the sales manager took him around to show him the ropes. They were passing by the gardening section, when they heard a customer asking for grass seed. The sales manager stepped in. SM: Excuse me, but will you be needing a hose to water your lawn? C : I guess so. I'll take one. SM: And how about some fertilizer and weed-killer ? C : Um, okay. SM: Here's a couple of bags. You'll also need a lawn mower to cut the grass when it starts growing too long. C : I'll take one of those too. After the customer left, the sales manager turned to the assistant. "You see?" he said, "that's the way to make a good sale. Always sell more than what the customer originally came in for." Impressed, the assistant headed off for the pharmaceutical section, where he was to work. Soon, a man strolled in. MAN: I'd like to buy a pack of Tampax, please. SA : Sure, and would you like to buy a lawn mower too? MAN: Why would I want to do that? SA : Well, your weekend's shot to hell anyway, so you might as well mow the lawn. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ One evening, Dr. Watson paid an unexpected call on Holmes. "Is he expecting you?" asked the housekeeper. "No," said Watson, "but I just need him for a moment." "I don't know what he's up to," said the housekeeper, "but he left very strict instructions not to be disturbed until nine o'clock." "I'll wait downstairs in the library," replied Watson. A few minutes later, Watson heard the unmistakable sound of girlish laughter coming from the detective's bedroom, followed closely by shrieks of excitement from Holmes. As nine o'clock approached, Watson could barely suppress his curiosity. Finally, Holmes came down the stairs, accompanied by a pretty, dark-haired young girl in a school blazer and a plaid skirt. As soon as she left, the good doctor cried out, "Holmes, just what kind of schoolgirl was that?" "Elementary, my dear Watson." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noises coming from his parents bedroom. He got out of bed and walked down the hall towards his parents room. Before he made it to the end of the hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroom light had gone on. Little Johnny walked into the bathroom and saw his father removing a used condom. "Daddy, what are you doing?" asked little Johnny. His father looked around nervously wondering what he could tell his son. "I, um, I'm just checking out the bathroom for mice." replied his father. Johnny looked at his father with a gaze of confusion and said, "Well, what are you doing? Fucking them?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Three English gentlemen, all properly attired, were sitting in a train compartment while traveling thru the English countryside. All three busily engrossed in reading their London Times. Naturally, not having been properly introduced, they did not speak to each other. The quiet in the compartment was disturbing. Finally, one gentleman, put his paper down and declared, (in your best veddy veddy British accent), "Sir James Hyde-White, here. Brigadier, retired. Oxford, '59. Married. Two sons, both Royal Marine officers," and promptly went back to reading his paper. A short while later, the second gentleman put down his paper and declared, (again, in very upper class british accent), "Sir Jonathen Colin-Simpson, here. Brigadier, retired. Eton, '61. Married. Two sons, both Royal Air Force pilots," and he promptly went back to reading his paper. A few miles down the track, the third gentleman put down his paper and stated, (now use your best irish-cockney accent), "Ian McTavish 'ere. Sergeant Major, retired. Coldstream Guards. Not married. Two sons. Both Brigadiers." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Three prison inmates were locked in the same cell; they soon bagan talking. "What are you here for?" asked one inmate of another. "They put me in for beating up some old Jew named Khaimovich," snarled one man. "And why are you here?" asked the second of the first. "For having defended some old Jew named Khaimovich in a fight," he replied. "And what were you arrested for?" the third inmate was asked. "For being Khaimovich," he sighed. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ There was a very prim and proper woman on a bus in NYC when she heard the following remark from a man, who just immigrated, to his friend: "Emma coma first, I coma next, then assa coma twice, I coma again, the assa coma two more times, I coma once more, peepee twice, then I coma for the last time." Shocked the woman found a cop on the bus and demanded "I want that man over there arrested." The cop turned to her and said, "On what charge? Spelling Mississippi?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Famous wrong words: 640k should be enough- Bill Gates, 1981 MTV? Who's stupid enough to watch music on television? Cancel Star Trek. No one watches it. The Japanese aren't stupid enough to attack us. Who'll be dumb enough to drink something that'll make them burp later? ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A tourist in a strange town notices that her watch is broken. She starts looking for a repair shop. After a long and frustrating search she finds herself in an area where many shop signs are in Hebrew. Finally, she notices that one of the stores has all kinds of clocks and watches ticking merrily in the window. She walks into the shop and puts her watch on the counter in front of the proprietor. Tourist: "would you please repair this watch." Proprietor: "Madam, I cannot repair your watch." T: "But why not? It is an ordinary model" P: "Madam, I do not repair watches. I am a moel, I perform circumcisions" T (irritated): "Then why on earth do you have all these clocks in your window?" P: "Well, and what should I have in my window?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A friend of mine studying medicine once told me this story. Apparently one day there was a lab where all the students were learning how to identify various cells. As samples they were using tissue scraped from the inside of the mouth. One girl was having terrible difficulties figuring out what kind of cell she was seeing under her microscope--eventually she called over the teaching assistant to identify it. He came over, smirked, and exclaimed (loud enough for everyone to hear) "Oh wow! That's a sperm cell!" She was somewhat more careful after that experience.... ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ There were these two dogs in a vet's waiting room, each eyeing the other suspiciously. One of them turns to the other. "What are you here for?" he asks. "Well," replies the other, "I was feeling really bad the other day, and Master's six year old son started bothering me. I tried to ignore it, but I was feeling so rotten that I bit his hand off." "I don't blame you. So, what are you here for?" "Erm... well... Master reckons that I'm too vicious, so I'm going to be... you know... I'm going to have the *operation*..." "Oh dear. I'm sorry," sympathised the first dog. Time passed. The about-to-be-neutered dog coughed politely. "So," he asked, "What are you in here for?" "Oh, nothing really," the other replied, embarrassed. "Go on, tell me. Please..." "OK. Well, it's like this. The bitch next door was in heat, and so I was feeling... you know, a bit randy. Then Mistress came into the kitchen wearing a short skirt and no underwear, and she bent over. I just couldn't resist it!" admitted the dog. "Oh, so you're here for the operation too, then." "No," came the reply, "I'm here to have my nails clipped!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A young couple have just got married and are wandering through the countryside loking for somewhere to stay. They come to a farm and knock on the door. The farmer answers the door and they explain how they have just got married, and don't have a lot of money but would like somewhere to stay for a few days. The farmer being a kind hearted soul offers them the hay loft in his barn, where they retire to immediately. A few days go by and there is no sign of the young couple emerging from the barn. After a week, the farmer becomes a bit concerned, so he goes out to the barn and shouts up "Are you all right in there ?" "Yes thank you," comes the reply. "Aren't you getting hungry?" asked the farmer, "You haven't been out for a week." "It's alright" comes the reply, "we're living off the fruits of love." "Well," said the farmer, "I do wish you'd stop throwing the skins out the window !" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Ethel and Mabel had made a date to meet at the golf course one Saturday morning for a round of golf. Ethel arrived first and had waited for about twenty minutes when she spied Mabel coming down from the club house. She noted that Mabel was walking as if she were in a great deal of pain. After exchanging the usual greetings, Ethel asked Mabel why she was walking with such discomfort. Mabel replied, "I was playing golf yesterday and got stung by a bee." Ethel asked, "Goodness... Where did it bite you?" "Between the second and third holes" said Mabel. "Good God," said Ethel, "you must have been standing right over the hive!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A big-time golfer had just won first prize in a tournament - a new Rolls Royce convertible. He decides that he should drive his new prize to the next tournament, which is in Alabama. Just as he enters the state, he needs to get gas and so he stops in a small hick-town gas station in Alabama. As the country boy fills the car he is looking all around it because you just don't see many Rolls Royces in east Alabama. The golfer reaches in his pocket to pay for the gas, and as is common with golfers, he has some golf tees in his pocket with his money. The country boy looks at the golf tees in the golfer's hand and says, "What are those things for, mister?" The golfer replies, "They are to hold my balls when I am driving." The country boy shakes his head and says, "Those English cars come with just about everything y'all could think of don't they?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, "Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and state the conditions." Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going to hear of it when I get home!" She sat down, red-faced. "Susan, can you tell me the answer?" asked Mr. Baldwin "The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions," said Susan. "Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you. First, you have not studied your lesson. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, boy are you going to be disappointed someday!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ But if the while I think on thee, dear friend, All losses are restor'd and sorrows end. Shakespeare, Sonnet 30 (Not written to an insurance company.) Last year closed out with good news for your friend and mine, THE INSURANCE COMPANY. Until recently, all we heard was the sound made by companies being crunched by devastating lawsuits brought by injured persons aided by my avaricious colleagues. So upset was one company that it began paying for advertisements in newspapers around the country to marshal opposition to what it called "lawsuit abuse." Although not stated in the ad I saw, implicit was the notion that, if we would quit dreaming up lawsuits, people and insurance companies would be better off. As a result of a recent court decision, one kind of case will no longer cost the insurance company any money. That will make the insurance companies very happy. Before I tell you about that case, however, let me tell you about something else that makes insurance companies very happy - income taxes.*1 I know what you are thinking. You are thinking that if income taxes make insurance companies happy, it must be because they earn the same amount of money your Aunt Minnibelle earns, and she likes income taxes because she never has to pay them. If you think that, consider this. In 1986, fifteen insurance companies paid no federal income taxes. Nonetheless, among the fifteen, the one with the lowest net income (Ohio Casualty Insurance) had a net income of more than $139 million and the one with the highest net income (State Farm) had a net income in excess of $1.6 billion. In 1987, State Farm's net income jumped by an additional billion and it paid a half million in federal taxes. Your Aunt Minnibelle would be tickled pink if she had that kind of income and those kinds of taxes. So, for that matter, would I. But I digress. Here is what was added to the insurance companies' federal income taxes to bring them joy during the recent holiday season - Andino v. Dupont Plaza Hotel. Not being a reported case, this is probably one of the few places you can read about it. It is nonetheless of some significance, since it establishes conclusively that there is at least one area of the law that is not developing. Juanita Andino was injured in the 1986 fire at the Dupont Plaza Hotel that killed ninety-seven people. A suit was brought against the hotel on account of her injuries. One of the plaintiffs (if not the only one) was Juanita's husband, Valeriano. The complaint alleged that as a result of injuries Juanita sustained in the fire, she was "unable to perform her duties as a spouse." In addition it was alleged that Valeriano had suffered a loss of income to the marital partnership because of Juanita's lost earnings. Here is why the insurance companies are happy. The judge threw the lawsuit out and fined each of the lawyers who brought the lawsuit $5,000.*2 He did that because Mr. Andino, who the lawsuit alleged suffered from his wife's inability to perform her duties as a spouse and suffered loss of income to the marital partnership, was dead. Not only was he dead, he had been dead for 12 years before the fire occurred. The judge ruled that, in order to recover damages for an injury, the plaintiff must be alive at the time of the injury is alleged to have occurred. Imagine that! Now, in addition to the pleasure they receive from tax laws, which are kinder to them than to you and me, insurance companies need no longer live in fear that the graveyard is the home of potential plaintiffs. The Andino case stands for the proposition that people who lie moldering in graves may, in some parts of this country, still exercise the right to vote. They do not as they lie in repose, however, have standing to sue.*3 NOTES *1 For this bit of information I am indebted to John Salmon, who published it in ads in the Denver media. He thought the public should be aware of the full extent of hardships suffered by insurance companies. *2 One of the lawyers was Melvin Belli. He is fondly remembered in Colorado for his kind remarks about the Colorado Trial Lawyers' Association. He made those remarks after leaders of CTLA suggested that Belli's trip to Bhopal, India, to represent what, when he left, were best described as "Unknown Plaintiffs," was not, ostensibly, propelled by eleemosynary engines. *3 Contrary to the opinion of some wag I know, this case does not stand for the proposition that the object of a necrophiliac's attention cannot recover damages if a necrophiliac sustains injuries. This case has nothing to do with necrophilia. It has to do with sloppy lawyering. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Stolen from Rowan Atkinson: Hello, nice to see you all again. As the more perceptive of you have probably realised by now - this is hell, and I am the Devil. Goodevening. You can call me Toby, if you like - we try and keep things informal down here, as well as infernal. Now, you're all here for eternity, which I hardly need tell you is a sod of a long time, so you get to know everyone pretty well by the end, but for now I'll have to split you up into groups. Are there any questions? No, I'm afraid we don't have any toilets, if you'd read your bible you would have seen that it was damnation without relief. So, I'm afraid if you didn't go before you came then you're not going to enjoy yourself very much, but then, I believe that's the general idea. Right, let's split you up then. Can you all hear me? CAN YOU HEAR ME AT THE RACK? Off we go... Murderers, over here. Looters and pillagers - over there please, thieves if you could join them, and BANKMANAGERS. Fornicators, if you could step forward - My God there are a lot of you. Could I split you up into adulterers and the rest? Adulterers if you could just form a line in front of that small guillotine there. AMERICANS, are you here? I'm sorry about this, apparently God had some fracas with your founding fathers and damned the entire race into perpetuity. He sends particular condolences to the Mormans who He realises put in a lot of work. The Iranians, I'm afraid, couldn't be with us - someone's been holding them in purgatory for the last nine months. Sodomites, over there against the wall. Atheists, over here please. You must be feeling a right bunch of charlies. Christians, ah yes, I'm afraid the Jews were right. Moonies, maniacs, marmite eaters, male models, masochists, mass murderers and masseurs, if you could take a pew at the back - with the Methodists that is. Now, you're the lot who used to kill whales, is that right? Ah, yes, I must remember - I've got some strips to tear off you bastards later. Everyone who saw Monty Pythons' "Life Of Brian", I'm afraid He can't take a joke after all. Alright now, one final thing - we're trying to implement some sort of exchange scheme with the Lord God Almighty, or Cliff as we know him. Some of you will spend a decade in heaven and we're having some angels down here. Now, I hardly need tell you that you will be expected to behave in an exemplary manner, so, I hope you will do the exact opposite - tear off their wings, use their haloes for frisbee practice, that sort of thing. Well, I have to go now, but Beelzebub here will show you the ropes, chains, and electrodes. ... Welcome to Hell... Here's your copy of Windows. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ I picked up a Hewlett-Packard font catalog for the LaserJet family the other day ... It was entitled LaserJet Printer Family *FONT CATALOG* (and exotic pet owner's guide) and was printed in Dec 85. Honest. Each font cartridge has some example text that was about an animal whose name began with the letter on the cartridge name. Here is that text ... (**Warning - this is long!**) The "A" Cartridge (92286A - as in Argali) "Courier 1" Argali - A large, asiatic wild sheep, noted for it's oversize horns. If you own one of these, consider yourself lucky indeed. Not only do you have an affectionate pet, but you can easily train your argali to let your party guests know when it's time to go home. All you do is this: Pretend that you have just dropped your contact lens on the carpet. Say something like: "Oh dear, I have just dropped my contact lens on the carpet!" Next, ask your "target" guest to help you search for it. As soon as they are on their hands and knees, call your argali and give the command "Argali, say goodnight". As anyone knows, the argali just loves to use his large horns for butting. Before you can say "Ker-plow" the party will be over and you and your argali will be alone again. The "B" Cartridge (92286B - as in Bandicoot) "TMS Proportional 1" Bandicoot - An Indian rodent, about the size of a rabbit. The bandicoot is a friendly little rat who makes a nice pet. Bandicoots love to climb, and they have an endearing habit of climbing anything vertical and making a cute little nest in the upper branches. They do this by gnawing through any handy material and weaving it into a decorative mass resembling a bowl of cooked spaghetti. For this reason, it is a good idea to never stand in a vertical position when your pet bandicoot is nearby, unless, of course, you want to try a new hair style. The "C" Cartridge (92286C - as in Cachalot) "International 1" Cachalot - This is another term for a Sperm Whale. These intelligent, warm-blooded creatures make excellent pets if you happen to have a roomy aquarium. Adult cachalots can reach 150 feet in length. When feeding, they swim along with their giant mouths open, eating several tons of squid every day. This explains the name "cachalot." The biggest complaint voiced by cachalot owners seems to be that they can naver find room for anything but squid in their refrigerator. One of the fun things you can do with your cachalot is to go swimming with it. You do it like this: Put on your wet suit and your motorcycle helmet. Jump in the tank with your cachalot and grab hold of it's tail. Give the command "Forward!" When you regain conciousness, swim briskly to the top and begin breathing again. The "D" Cartridge (92286D - as in Dogfish) "Prestige Elite" Dogfish - This nocturnal tropical fish has a peculiar looking face which obviously reminded some marine biologist of Fido back home. This doesn't speak very highly of either Fido or the fish, not to mention the biologist. In any case, if you have one of these canine flipper flappers in your home aquarium you might want to teach him some basic doggie tricks. If you are especially ambitious, you can even teach your dogfish to "speak". Of course, the best you can possibly hope for is something like "blubOOF" or "WOOFblub...blub...blub." The "E" Cartridge (92286E - as in Electric Eel) "Letter Gothic" Electric eel - You will really get a charge out of owning your own live eel. It can be a positive and electrifying experience, which may even help polarise your thinking. This fascinating creature is particularly handy to have around if you live in an area that is subject to occasional power outrages. When the electricity goes out, just slip on your waterproof lineman's gloves, grab your energetic friend, and put his cute little head (the end with the beady eye) into the fuse box. NOTE: if the power company suddenly restores your normal electric service, you can check a Cajan cookbook for ways to serve up fried eel. The "F" Cartridge (92286F - as in Frigatebird) "TMS Proportional 2" Frigatebird - If you have had recurring daydreams of sailing the high seas as a swashbuckling buckaneer, this may be the pet for you. The frigate bird is known for his acts of piracy. He seldom hunts his own prey but instead chases other sea birds until they are exhausted and give up their catch in order to lighten themselves and escape. With his 6 or 7 foot wingspan, this guy would make anyone nervous if he was after them. If you want to make your frigatebird really happy, put on a black eye patch and a red bandana and whan you talk to him, say things like: "Ahoy there matey, shiver me timbers, jib the fo'c'sle, swab the main'sle ...arrrr." The "G" Cartridge (92286G - as in Gnu) "Legal Elite"] Gnu - this large African antelope is especially noted for its evil looking horns and beard and its surly temper. One thing you should never do is get your pet gnu upset at you. If your gnu does something that you don't like you must remain galm. Just sit down, invite your gnu to sit beside you (NOT on your lap) and explain in clear rational terms that nice gnus do not eat the dinette or gore the television. If your gnu does not seem to understand (one clue might be when he chews off your left pant leg while you are talking to him) then you must resort to more drastic measures: Run down to your local furniture and appliance store and open a revolving charge. Or, better yet, run down to your local sporting goods store and charge a revolver. [Sounds like the Free Software Foundation to me! - ed :-] The "H" Cartridge (92286H - as in Howler Monkey) "Legal Courier" Howler monkey - This large, South American primate is known for his slightly off-key tenor voice that can be heard for several miles in his natice jungle habitat. The howler can be a particularly useful pet to apartment dwellers with noisy neighbor broblems. The next time those wind party sounds begin to drift through ypur paper thin walls, remove the monkey muzzle and give the command, "Howler, let loose!" The total deafness that follows is usually temporary and well worth the inconvienience. The "J" Cartridge (92286J - as in Jungle Cat) "Math Elite" Jungle Cat - This scaled-down version of the mountain lion is the ideal pet for people who are sick and tired of their house cat being the wimp of the neighborhood. When you walk down the alley with your new jungle cat, you can hold your head up high. Even Garfield next door will be a nice little pussycat. You and your pet will be the kings of the jungle, at least until your neighbor brings home ... the jaguarundi. The "K" Cartridge (92286K - as in Kiwi) "Math TMS" Kiwi - This strange animal that likes to pretend it is a bird, which is difficult to "swallow" whan you see it's two inch wingspan (this on a creature the size of a large chicken!). The kiwi sports a cute little mustache at the base of his long, pointy beak, which might prompt you to name him after uncle Herman. The kiwi lays only one egg; but it's as big as a baseball. No wonder the kiwi goes around with a perpetual worried expression on his face. The "L" Cartridge (92286L - as in Loris) "Courier P&L" Loris - This sluggish little creature, also called the slow loris, has been called the world's slowest mammal. When the loris wants to get to the treetops, he just picks out a nearby sapling, grabs hold, and waits for it to grow. Rumor has it that Loris owners soon begin to take on the character traits of their lackluster pets. You might say that most of them are sort of Loris'd in space. These phlegmatic souls are all around us. You can spot them a mile away. They're the ones who get in line at the automatic teller machine, staring blindly off into the blue, then when it's their turn they begin a 20 minute search for their card. This is usually followed by three ponderous attempts to type in the number they can't remember, after which they stand there again for 10 minutes while it finally dawns on them that this is the wrong bank. The "M" Cartridge (92286M - as in Mudskipper) "Prestige Elite P&L" Mudskipper - Contrary to populat scientific belief, the mudskipper is not really a fish. It is a frog that never left puberty. Mudskippers have a difficult problem: they are afraid of the water. When the tide comes in, they climb a tree! If you really want to make your pet mudskipper happy, give him a transistor radio and a beach umbrella and NEVER ask him to take a bath. The "N" Cartridge (92286N - as in Nutshell) "Letter Gothic P&L" Nutshell - There appears to be some confusion amongst nutshell owners as to which side of these little crustacheons is supposed to be "up". In reality, it is very easy to tell if your nutshell is topsy-turvy, just bu looking at his cute little face. If he is frowning, he's probably in trouble. Fortunately, it is very easy to cheer up a sad nutshell: All you do is reach in his tank and turn him over. You will see his frown instantly disappear and he'll be happy as a clam again. And that's the whole story in a you-know-what. The "P" Cartridge (92286P - as in Puffin) "TMS RMN P&L" Puffin - This clown-faced sea bird makes an interesting pet, particularly if you are practicing to be a kamakazi pilot. Your pet puffin will be glad to give you lessons. Just follow him to the top of a cliff, and do what he does. In no time at all you'll be nose diving with th ebest of them. On, one other thing, the puffin will pull out of his dive at the last second. If you forgot your parachute ... oh well, if you did, you wouldn't be reading this now, would you? The "Q" Cartridge (92286Q - as in Quetzal) "MEMO 1" Quetzal - This tropical bird from Central America will provide endless hours of amusement to their lucky owners. The Quetzal is used to the tropical climate, so if you live in a cold area you will have to keep your thermostat set slightly high; 110 degrees or so should be just about right. It is also nice if you can do something to raise the humidity levels in your house to match those of your quetzal's native habitat. Some quetzal owners report that installation of large indoor swimming pools helps a lot. If these minor expenses put the pinch on your family budget, you can always try selling quetzal-quill pens on your local street corner. The "T" Cartridge (92286T - as in Tasmanian Devil) "Tax 1" Tasmainan devil - This ugly little critter's biggest talent is his ability to escape any confinement. Nobody is really sure just how he does it. One theory says that he spins himself faster and faster until he looks like a little tornado, buzzing through solid steel, tree trunks, Bugs Bunny, or anything else that gets in his way. As his owner, you are undoubtedly wondering just how you keep your little devil at home. Well the answer is simple, just send away to Australia for a female of the species, the uglier the better. Your new "she-devil" will soon have the domestic scene tranquil again. Or else they will both decide to elope, being caught up in their "whirlwind" romance. The "U" Cartridge (92286U - as in Uakari) "Forms Portrait" Uakari - This amazon monkey is rarely seen, staying in the tree tops most of his life. This is a good thing, since his red face and bald head is ugly enough to scare the tail feathers off any other animal that happens by. You might think his ugly mug would make the uakari a good watch-monkey. Unfortunately this is not true, since they rarely make any noise and are more likely to "groom" an intruder than to bite him. For the avid gardener, the uakari has a more useful function: When your corn begins to ripen, just let him loose in the nearest tree. No crow in his right mind will come within a quarter mile of your place. The "V" Cartridge (92286V - as in Vicun~a) "Forms Landscape" Vicuna - This small relation to the camel is known for it's amazing ability to live at very high altitdues. This makes your vicuna the ideal pet to take with you on a ski trip. Just think; you will have a willing companion high up on the slopes, and if you get caught in a blizzard, your vicuna might lend you some of his thick warm wool. One work of caution though. The vicuna has a peculiar habit of bounding along the high plateaus at 30 mph and then leaping across wide, bottomless chasms. So, if you and your vicuna get off the chair lift and he begins snorting and pawing the snow, LET GO of his leash...unless you aspire to be "hot-dogger of the year". The "W" Cartridge (92286W - as in Wombat) "3-of-9/OCR-A" Wombat - The wombat os a close relation to the Australian koala. Like the koala, the wombat carries it's young in a pouch. This is a very handy feature that is useful when you are out walking your pet wombat in a rough neighborhood. Just put your valuables in the pouch; when you are mugged, the thieves will never guess your secret. Of course, your little friend may develop a strong maternal attachement to your wallet, so be prepared for a little argument when you go to retrieve it. The "X" Cartridge (92286X - as in Xbug) "EAN/UPC/OCR-B" Xbug - This is the ideal pet for those on the go, as it is no trouble at all to take care of. The xbug's needs are minimal. Just "being there" seems to be all they want (this is evidenced by the fact that they seem to be everywhere). Xbugs come in all sizes, colors and breeds, and you are sure to find one to suit your taste. One of the best selections of xbugs can be found right on the front grille of your automobile, although they make take a little persuasion (and a good putty-knife) to remove. Some experts believe that auto-xbugs are not as corageous as other types. This has not been proven, but one thing is certain; they won't have the guts to fly around the highway again. Xbug ownser are indeed numerous, but by far the champions of the lot are happy motorcycle riders, whi have only to grab a toothpick and add to their collection. [This *is* X-windows 11 ! I'm sure! - ed :-] ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A man is going to work one day and accidentally slams his penis in the car door. Goes to the doctor, and the doctor says, "We're going to have to put a splint on that." The guy says, "No way Doc, I'm getting married in a week." The Doc replies, "Well if we don't, it's going to be bent for the rest of your life." So finally the guy agrees, and the doctor gets out a of couple tongue depressors and some tape and fixes him up. A week later, and he's on his honeymoon. His new wife is doing a slow, seductive strip-tease in front of him. She takes off her bra and says, "See these, they've never been touched by a man before." She then takes off her panties and says, "See this, it's never been seen by a man before." So the husband whips off his shorts and says, "See this, it's not even out of the crate yet!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West. (This was in the days when the Wild West meant Texas and Arizona, with indians, outlaws, tornados and droughts -- not the current situation, where the Wild West means California and you have to brave hottubs, mellowspeak, fires and earthquakes. That is, it was a simpler time.) So, Fred found his way to a frontier town and became the bartender at the wildest saloon in the territory. He soon proved how rough and tough he was, and the owner of the bar was pleased with how he broke up fights and didn't skim too much off the receipts. He told Fred that he (Fred) was doing a fine job, but he should remember one thing: "If you ever hear even a *rumor* that Mad Martin is coming to town, just save what you can, put a bottle of Red Eye on the counter, and head out of town as fast as you can." Fred was pretty perplexed at this, and sought explanation. He was told that Mad Martin was an old mountain man who lived up in the hills and only came to town once or twice a year. However, Martin was the most dangerous guy they'd ever heard of and few had ever encountered him and lived to tell the tale. Fred listened carefully and then promptly forgot all about it. Until, one day a few months later, a cowboy came riding through town at full speed, yelling "Martin's coming! Head for the hills!" The result was incredible. Everybody in town immediately jumped on their horses and took off for the hills. Except Fred. He wanted to see this guy because he didn't believe he could be all that tough. So, Fred just put the bottle of Red Eye on the bar, hid behind the counter, and waited. He didn't wait long. Soon there was a noise in the street. As Fred looked out a hole in the wall, he saw this huge, mean-looking guy ride down the center of the street on the biggest bull buffalo that Fred had ever seen. The guy stopped the buffalo in front of the bar, jumped off the beast, punched it in the head (dropping the critter to its knees) and bellowed "Wait here til I get back!" The fellow turned and walked up the steps. Fred saw that the guy had a pair of huge mountain lions on leashes. He tied them both to a post and kicked them soundly, hollering "You pussycats stay here til I'm done!" The cats fearfully sat down. Into the bar stormed the fellow, ripping the doors off the wall as he passed. With two strides he approached the bar, picked up the bottle of Red Eye, bit off the neck, and downed it all in one gulp. Poor Fred, thoroughly frightened by now, let out a little whimper. The guy looked down over the bar and roared "What the hell do you think you're looking at!?" Fred managed to say "N..n..n..nothing, mister. Do you want another bottle of Red Eye?" To which the fellow replied, "Hell no! I don't have time! I gotta get out of here -- Mad Martin's coming!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Life is too Short to watch reruns to procrastinate to believe everything you read to wait for him or her to call to remember the seven deadly sins the eight wonders of the world the five food groups the seven dwarfs the eight reindeer the twelve days of christmas to learn how to program a VCR to answer a phone survey to exercise for fun to act you age to look upa number in the phone book to measure your body fat to fold napkins into swans to make radish roses to give up ice cream to work on your day off ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ (From Time Magazine, 19 June 1989 (therefore presumably true):) No international laws govern the christening of countries; the label that sticks is determined by the tastes or even the sanity of its rulers. Anti-colonialism, however, is the most common rationale for national renaming. Filipinos have long bristled at the colonialistic implications of calling their country the Philippines, in honor of Philip II of Spain. During the regime of Ferdinand Marcos, there was a campaign to rename the country "Maharlika", a native word meaning noble and aristocratic. Plans for the rechristening proceeded apace until an academic pointed out that the word was probably derived from Sanskrit. Fine, its proponents said, Sanskrit is a non-imperialist language. Yes, replied the scholar, but "Maharlika" was most likely derived from the words "maha lingam," meaning "great phallus." That was the end of the campaign. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A friend of mine worked as a State Highway patrolman in Wyoming for several years. Whenever he pulled someone over for speeding, he would always ask them why they were exceeding the speed limit. If the excuse was original, he would usually let them off with a warning. He said the best excuse he ever got was the following: Him: "So, why is it that you were doing 70 mph in a 55 zone?" Driver: "Well, officer, my wife is going to get pregnant in 30 minutes and I want to be there when it happens." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls. As he gets up, a seven year old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip." The old man snaps back: "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Reported as a true story: When you're on "reserve" with an airline, you fly when they tell you to fly. Being unable to be contacted is a lesser offense than refusing or missing an assigned trip. This captain gets an "A" for his creativity in avoiding an assignment. When crew scheduling woke him up at 3 A.M. to assign him to a 5 A.M. departure, he passed the phone to his wife and said in a voice loud enough for them to hear on the other end, "Here, darling, I think it's someone calling for your husband." Crew scheduling omitted the usual question and answer period. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Comments on the future evolution of languages: There are consistent trends in the past evolution of languages, and in all likelihood they will continue to change in the same fashion in the future. In 200 years, spoken French will have only one sound, a vowel. All consonants and gaps between words and sentences will disappear, leaving only an extended "Eauuuuuuuuuuuu..." Meaning will be inferred from facial expression. Written French will stay exactly the same. These consonants will not be entirely forgotten; they will migrate to Czechoslovakia, which will by that time have no use for vowels. In 200 years, the English vocabulary will be the union of all other vocabularies, but the spelling will be original. Similarly, the Japanese alphabet will be the union of all other alphabets in the world. The Cyrillic alphabet will eventually be the same as the Latin alphabet, only backwards. A mirror will suffice for translating Russian into Polish. Finally, in 200 years, entire books in Germany will be one word. Plus a verb at the end, of course. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Men who can answer "Yes" to five or more of these questions should consider carefully before proposing marriage. In the kitchen, has she referred to an oven as, "That square thing"? Does she use the phrase "You know" more than twice per sentence? Is she making monthly payments of more than $300 to a plastic surgeon? Have you noticed her name tattooed on three or more local bikers? Have you noticed three or more biker's names tattooed on her? Does she regularly compare your love-making to an old boyfriends? Does she regularly compare your love making talents to the Green Bay Packers? If she works as a check out clerk at K-Mart, a teller, or a cashier in an all night diner, did she bet more than $1,000 on the last super bowl? Does she have a wholesale source for Deodorant-in-a-Drum? Has she ever used the word "Poo-Poo"? If forced to use it at all, does she choose to spell the word s-e-x"? Does her job resume include a six year stint at Big Leg Emma's House of Painful delights? Any woman who can answer "Yes" to five or more of these questions should consider carefully before accepting a proposal of marriage. On his first date with you, did he pick you up early so you could help him with his laundry? To reach him in an emergency, would anyone think to call the local adult book store? Has he ever bragged about seeing every episode of "Gilligian's Island" at least four times? Is it unclear to some people whether that's a mustache or just a lot of unruly nose hair? Is his idea of a classy restaurant one where every table has its own stack of ketchup packets? Does his car get more than 60 miles per gallon? Does the label on his deodorant include the phrase "Industrial Strength" Has he memorized the telephone number of at least one bail bondsman? ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Two guys, Stan and Ed, were working a construction job digging a ditch. The foreman was at them all the time to keep busy. No breaks, just work, work, work! Finally it dawned on the two guys that the foreman left every day at 3:00 in the afternoon. So they decided to start leaving at 3:15. The very next day when the foreman left at 3:00, Stan and Ed left at 3:15. Stan goes home, walks through the house, opens the bedroom door, and there on the bed is his wife and the foreman. Stan quickly runs back to the job and digs like mad until 5:00. The next day when Ed arrives at work, Stan says, "Listen Ed, we can't knock off work any more at 3:15..... I almost got caught!!!!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ New York Times, August 8, 1989, Letter to the Editor, by Ruth L. Kaplan: The other day I bought a roll of 25 cent postage stamps. I have not had a moment's peace since. For, upon unfurling this roll, I discovered that every one of the 100 stamps bears the unmistakable likeness of the American flag. To appreciate my consternation, consider what is in store for these stamps. First, I must lick the flag-- er, stamp. Then I will drop it into a dark box, where it may well be bruised, possibly even torn. Next, the stamp/flag will go to the Post Office, where an inexorable machine will stomp on it, defiling it with ugly lines in order to "cancel" it. "Cancel" our inviolable flag? But wait. The horrors mount. In time, the stamp will reach the addressee, who may rip it, eagerly opening the envelope. Ultimately, the flag stamp-- licked, cancelled, defaced, ripped-- will be consigned to the trash, doomed to decompose in a dump, linger in a landfill or-- shudder!-- be converted to charcoal and burned under a steak. What's a patriot to do? I wonder if the Post Office will allow me to return a rerolled roll of stamps. But even it it does, it'll just resell it, perhaps to some insensitive stamper who will lick, deface, cancel and rip those flags without a twinge of conscience. I pray (but not in school) for some official, even Presidential, guidance. Ruth L. Kaplan is a retired Federal (but not postal) employee. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A true and sort of bizzare story.... Source: San Diego Union newspaper, Aug. 3, page F-2.... Actor Rob Lowe wants his insurance company to pay his legal fees or any damages awarded to a Georgia woman suing him over her teen-age daughter's appearance in a homemade pornographic videotape. But the Chubb Custom Insurance Company of New Jersey said Lowe's insurance policy does not cover "intentional actions" such as using "celebrity status as an inducement to females to engage in sexual intercourse, sodomy, and multiple-party sexual activity for his immediate sexual gratification and for the purpose of making pornographic films." The Chubb folks have asked a federal judge in Atlanta to rule that damages arising from making sex tapes in a hotel room are not a covered item under a homeowner's policy. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ MEMORANDUM From: Headquarters - New York To: General Managers Next Thursday at 10:30 Halley's Comet will appear over this area. This is an event which occurs only once every 75 years. Notify all directors and have them arrange for all employees to assemble on the Company lawn and inform them of the occurrence of this phenomenon. If it rains, cancel the day's observation and assemble in the auditorium to see a film about the comet. MEMORANDUM From: General Manager To: Managers By order of the Executive Vice President, next Thursday at 10:30, Halley's Comet will appear over the Company lawn. If it rains, cancel the day's work and report to the auditorium with all employees where we will show films: a phenomenal event which occurs every 75 years. MEMORANDUM From: Manager To: All Department Chiefs By order of the phenomenal Vice President, at 10:30 next Thursday, Halley's Comet will appear in the auditorium. In case of rain over the Company lawn, the Executive Vice President will give another order, something which occurs only every 75 years. MEMORANDUM From: Department Chief To: Section Chiefs Next Thursday at 10:30 the Executive Vice President will appear in the auditorium with Halley's Comet, something which occurs every 75 years. If it rains, the Executive Vice President will cancel the comet and order us all out to our phenomenal Company lawn. MEMORANDUM From: Section Chief To: All EA's When it rains next Thursday at 10:30 over the Company lawn, the phenomenal 75 year old Executive Vice President will cancel all work and appear before all employees in the auditorium accompanied by Bill Halley and his Comets. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Heard on the Today Show 8/2/89 Bryant Gumbal interviewing a middle east expert Bryant: Sir, What is that the Soviets did, that was so effective at getting their kidnapped diplomats back that we could not or were not willing to do ?? Expert: Well, they called in the KGB who promptly kidnapped some relatives of the people who were presumed responsible, castrated them and sent them back with the message that this would happen to the the kidnappers themselves if the hostages were not released. You can imagine what NBC would have said if the US had done this. Bryant: Yes and we would not have had film at 11 !! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ I had a similar experience while working as a student operator at Michigan Tech. One particularly trying afternoon, the computer was merrily crashing for a number of reasons. After about four such spectacles, we broadcast that the computer would be down for the remainder of the afternoon. There was a resigned groan from the users and they began to file out of the Center, except for one comely young woman with wide blue eyes who wandered up to the counter and queried: "What's wrong with the computer?" Too tired and irritated to give her a straight answer, I looked her straight in the eye and replied: "Broken muffler belt." A look of deep concern wafted into her expression as she asked: "Oh, that's bad. Can you call Midas?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I work for University Computing Services answering questions about any and all aspects of computing here, and as a result I run into some truly astonishing mental densities... A few excerpts from the Helpdesk: Caller: "What's the name for when you're entering data into the computer?" HD: "Data Entry." Caller: "Thank you!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Overheard in a student computer lab: Client (raising hand and waving frantically): "The computer says 'Enter your name and press RETURN.' What do I do??" Lab Assistant: "Enter your name and press RETURN." Client (as if a revelation has struck): "Oh!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Another friend of mine in a similar situation reports having a student in the lab one day, who had to abort out of the SET PASSWORD sequence because he couldn't think of a six-letter word. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The following is a promotional spot heard on a college radio station: "Hello, this is God. Whenever I'm in Pittsburgh--which is all the time, since I'm omnipresent--I listen to all the radio stations at once, including WRCT." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis. In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order. In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk. In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily. In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion. In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service. Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years. In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers. In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose. In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists. A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass? On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right. In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin. On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life. Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways. In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man. In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it. In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases. In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here. In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run. From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself. From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor. Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: - English well talking. - Here speeching American. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Two friends are discussing politics on Election Day, each trying to no avail to convince the other to switch sides. Finally, one says to the other: ``Look, it's clear that we are unalterably opposed on every political issue. Our votes will surely cancel out. Why not save ourselves some time and both agree to not vote today?'' The other agrees enthusiastically and they part. Shortly after that, a friend of the first one who had heard the conversation says, ``That was a sporting offer you made.'' ``Not really,'' says the second. This is the third time I've done this today. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ "Miss Jones, we can't employ you as a model", the editor from the men's magazine explained. "It's too obvious that your blonde hair isn't natural, since the hair between your legs is black". The model picked up a paperweight and slammed it down on the editor's fingers. "What the hell did you do that for!", he exploded. She smiled sweetly and said "Look at your fingers. They're turning black, right? And they've only been banged once." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ What is the difference between Northern and Southern racism? A southern racist doesn't mind blacks living nearby, as long as they don't get "uppity" A northern racist doesn't mind blacks getting "uppity" as long as they don't live close. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Last Human Being Without Windows95 (Hey, it's about me - Ed.) There was a knock on the door. It was the man from Microsoft. "Not you again," I said. "Sorry," he said, a little sheepishly. "I guess you know why I'm here." Indeed I did. Microsoft's $300 million campaign to promote the Windows 95 operating system was meant to be universally effective, to convince every human being on the planet that Windows 95 was an essential, some would say integral, part of living. Problem was, not everyone had bought it. Specifically, I hadn't bought it. I was the Last Human Being Without Windows 95. And now this little man from Microsoft was at my door, and he wouldn't take no for an answer. "No," I said. "You know I can't take that," he said, pulling out a copy of Windows 95 from a briefcase. "Come on. Just one copy. That's all we ask." "Not interested." I said. "Look, isn't there someone else you can go bother for a while? There's got to be someone else on the planet who doesn't have a copy." "Well, no," The Microsoft man said. "You're the only one." "You can't be serious. Not everyone on the planet has a computer," I said. "Hell, not everyone on the planet has a PC! Some people own Macintoshes, which run their own operating system. And some people who have PCs run OS/2, though I hear that's just a rumor. In short, there are some people who just have no use for Windows 95." The Microsoft man look perplexed. "I'm missing your point," he said. "Use!" I screamed. "Use! Use! Use! Why BUY it, if you can't USE it?" "Well, I don't know anything about this 'use' thing you're going on about," The Microsoft man said. "All I know is that according to our records, everyone else on the planet has a copy." "People without computers?" "Got 'em." "Amazonian Indians?" "We had to get some malaria shots to go in, but yes." "The Amish." "Check." "Oh, come on," I said. "They don't even wear BUTTONS. How did you get them to buy a computer operating system?" "We told them there were actually 95 very small windows in the box," the Microsoft man admitted. "We sort of lied. Which means we are all going to Hell, every single employee of Microsoft." He was somber for a minute, but then perked right up. "But that's not the point!" he said. "The point is, EVERYONE has a copy. Except you." "So what?" I said. "If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you expect me to do it, too?" "If we spent $300 million advertising it? Absolutely." "No." "Jeez, back to that again," the Microsoft man said. "Hey. I'll tell you what. I'll GIVE you a copy. For free. Just take it and install it on your computer." He waved the box in front of me. "No," I said again. "No offense, pal. But I don't need it. And frankly, your whole advertising blitz has sort of offended me. I mean, it's a computer operating system! Great. Fine. Swell. Whatever. But you guys are advertising it like it creates world peace or something." "It did." "Pardon?" "World peace. It was part of the original design. Really. One button access. Click on it, poof, end to strife and hunger. Simple." "So what happened?" "Well, you know," he said. "It took up a lot of space on the hard drive. We had to decide between it or the Microsoft Network. Anyway, we couldn't figure out how to make a profit off of world peace." "Go away," I said. "I can't," he said. "I'll be killed if I fail." "You have got to be kidding," I said. "Look," the Microsoft man said, "We sold this to the AMISH. The Amish! Right now, they're opening the boxes and figuring out they've been had. We'll be pitchforked if we ever step into Western Pennsyvania again. But we did it. So to have YOU holding out, well, it's embarassing. It's embarassing to the company. It's embarassing to the product. It's embarassing to BILL." "Bill Gates does not care about me," I said. "He's watching right now," the Microsoft man said. "Borrowed one of those military spy satellites just for the purpose. It's also got one of those high-powered lasers. You close that door on me, zap, I'm a pile of grey ash." "He wouldn't do that," I said, "He might hit that copy of Windows 95 by accident." "Oh, Bill's gotten pretty good with that laser," the Microsoft man said, nervously. "Okay. I wasn't supposed to do this, but you leave me no choice. If you take this copy of Windows 95, we will reward you handsomely. In fact, we'll give you your own Caribbean island! How does Montserrat sound?" "Terrible. There's an active volcano there." "It's only a small one," the Microsoft man said. "Look," I said, "even if you DID convince me to take that copy of Windows 95, what would you do then? You'd have totally saturated the market. That would be it. No new worlds to conquer. What would you do then?" The Microsoft man held up another box and gave it to me. "'Windows 95....For Pets'?!?!?" "There's a LOT of domestic animals out there," he said. I shut the door quickly. There was a surprised yelp, the sound of a laser, and then nothing. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ News of the Weird Lead Story Paul LaSalle, twenty-six, was killed near Mt. Pleasant, N.Y., in March. He lost control of his car when he pulled alongside a driver and began to berate him for having just cut LaSalle off. The U.S. Air Force announced that an MX missile accidentally dropped seven inches in its silo in Wyoming last June. The cause was faulty glue. Repairs will cost $4,780,000 -- or $683,000 per inch. A February report from Finland's Health Ministry, concerned about declining population and a high incidence of stress among workers recommended that people should take "sex holidays" from work. The proposal was immediately endorsed by a Lutheran church official in Finland. In February the Environmental Protection Agency inspector general told a congressional committee that its toxic waste cleanup program is so badly managed that the agency hired contractors as telephone receptionists for $30 an hour. Patrick Kennedy (son of Senator Edward Kennedy) spent $8,000 for the 1,324 votes ($66 per vote) he received in last year's primary for the part time Rhode Island legislature seat he eventually won. San Francisco official accused two cities of intentionally "dumping" mental patients in their city by buying them one-way plane tickets there. The director of the city's mental health program said, "San Francisco is identified as the city of the crazies. We do much more than other cities and counties. " Last fall during a public budget confrontation determining how Franklin County (Ohio) libraries would receive funds, the director of the Columbus Public Library slapped the director of the Bexly Public Library, who retaliated with a punch. Police Blotter Larry Tubbs, twenty-nine, was sentenced to thirty days in jail in Lawrence, Kan., for a November incident in which he bit a woman on the leg and stomach during a church service. In Prague, a 506 pound man identified as Zbynek M., aged fifty-two, was sentenced to twelve years in prison for stealing $120,000 worth of food. Salt Lake City police found a pair of severed legs, each wearing a different colored sock, in a garbage can behind a grocery store. Marlene T. Sipes, a Columbia S.C. lawyer, was suspended for a year in March by the state supreme court on charges that she pocketed $1,819 in 1986 from her daughter's Girl Scout troop cookie fund. Los Angeles police Daryl Gates suspended officer Juan Gomez in December for having broken wind in the faces of two arrestees in September. Gomez blamed the problem on indigestion, but his supervisor called Gomez "feloniously flatulent." One arrestee accused Gomez of preceding one blast with the words, "Check this out." Willie Carrol Williams, thirty-seven, was arrested in Sarasota, Fla., for bank robbery in December. According to police, he had no getaway car but hailed a taxicab outside the bank and paid the driver to take him to local malls for a Christmas shopping spree. After police trapped him an hour later, the taxi driver quoted Williams as saying, "When you've got the money, you might as well spend it." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Two men were at a poker game that had run late; 3:00 AM to be exact. Man1: You know what I hate about these games? When I go home. I turn off my headlights, turn off the engine, and coast into the driveway. Then I go to the front door, take off my shoes and sneak in as quietly as I can. But my wife always wakes up and we end up having a fight. Man2: What I do instead is drive into the driveway, honk the horn a few times, get out of the car, slam the door, go in the house and slam the door. Then I yell "Honey, I'm home", run upstairs, slap her on the ass and say, "How about a little love woman". And she never even moves. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ One day a journalist, hard-up for a story, was sitting on an Australian beach. As he gazed pensively out to sea, he saw a young woman thrashing about in the water. Upon further observation, he saw a shark circling her. His adrenalin pumping, he wondered what he could do to save her. Then a well built young man, who was jogging along the beach, suddenly dashed into the sea, karate chopped the shark, killing it, and helped the young woman swim to the beach. The excited journalist, seeing a fantastic story, ran up to the young man and said, "That was the most courageous thing I've ever seen in my life. I'm going to let the world know about this. You'll be famous. I can see it now, !" The young man turned to the journalist and said, "But I'm British." The journalist replied, without losing enthusiasm, "Oh, that doesn't matter." The next day, the headlines read, . ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ I feel before the joke I should mention a few things. First, I am a Christian. Second, I feel that It is wrong to ridicule Christ as a Christian. However, I feel that it is my duty to show people what kind of Charlatans are out there. Through this true story you can see how a person who "Speaks with Authority" can make a joke out of a serious matter. It is OK to laugh at the antics, but please don't use this as a reason to condemn a whole religion. Feel free to mail me if you have any questions. I was watching TV one night when while flicking through the stations I came across a TV Evangelist. Now, being Christian, I decided to get a fulfilling and meaningful message which he would preach. Now, I have seen TV Evangelists before (I'll call them TVE) and some I enjoyed immensely such as Pat Robertson and Billy Graham. However, I wasn't prepared for this man...... "You! Yes YOU can be blessed by the LORD GOD ALMIGHTY just by sending me a small contribution of only two thousand dollars! The LORD ... OH YES HE IS HERE The LORD... I hear him telling me... oh YES Lord that YES he wants You! Yes You! to GIVE ME Two THOUSAND Dollars to support my minestry! The LORD Will Return in one Hundred fold! Here is a True Story...." Some Woman: I turned on his show wondering how I would be able to make my house payments. At that time he as asking for Two hundred. Then GOD told me to give because the price is going up very soon. I got the money I DON'T KNOW HOW for my payments. "Yes! ANOTHER GREEAT TESTIMONY! You know, WWWhen I first started, I was asking for 50 dollars a person. Then the LORD GOD ... Yes the LORD GOD HIMSELF! Came to ME Haleluia ! He Came to ME and said 'Don't ask for fifty anymore.' So I raised it to One Hundred. The the LORD ... the LORD asked me to not ask for One Hundred. So I asked for Two Hundred. Then He asked me to stop, and I raised it to Five Hundred, then One thousand.. NOW the Lord asked me to no longer ask for $1000. So now, as the LORD GOD has asked me Haleluiah! The LORD GOD asked me! I ask you for $2000!!! The Lord wants you to give it to me. If you do, I will send you this piece of cloth which I prayed with and has been annoited by the Holy Spirit! This Cloth is FILLED with the Holy Spirit. Pray with this cloth and you TOO can be filled with the Spirit from this cloth! So Send NOW!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Saw where O.J. has the flu.....Johnnie Cochran was appealing to Judge Ito to move the defense table, since the air conditioner duct was right over O.J.'s head, only making his flu worse. When Judge Ito refused the request, Johnnie Cochran asked: 'Then, your honor, would you please instruct the prosecution to give my client's hat and gloves back to him?' ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ This guy gets a raise, so he decides to but a new sight for his gun. Well, anyway, the salesman at the store is throwing his pitch, and he brags, "If you'll look through this sight, I'll bet that you can see my house in perfect detail, even though it's the whole way at the top of the hill." So the guy looks through the sight, and says, "Yep, you're right... wait a minute... I can see some lady and a guy running around with no clothes on, too..." Shocked, the salesman snatches the sight back, and looks through it. Sure enough, he sees the same thing. Infuriated, the salesman hands the guy a gun and two bullets, and says, "If you'll blow my cheatin' wife's head off, and that guy's dick off, you can have the sight for free." The guy looks throught the sight again. "You know, I think I can do that with only 1 bullet..." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The dean of Engineering had once walked into a class, and said "Good Morning." The whole class chorused "Good Morning". "Hi, you are freshmen aren't you?" he asked. One student bolder than the others asked him how he knew. "Well," he said. "When I say 'Good Morning' to a class, if they are freshmen they say 'Good Morning' too. If they are sophomores, they quietly fold their papers away, and look at me. A class of Juniors will look at me over the top of their papers, and then get back to them. A class of Seniors will ignore my greeting, and keep reading the papers. When I say 'Good Morning' to a class of graduate students, they write it down. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ This story was told on a local radio station, not sure where they recieved it from. Seems this guy went into a local convience store and rob it. But before he could get out the door the police were already pulling into the parking lot. He (the robber) bolted across the street into a small wooded area. The police did not run, but walked cautiously toward that area. Soon the robber was in custody and taken to jail. The reason the police had no problem apprehended the suspect is because he had a pair of LA lights shoes on, and every step he took that red light from the shoes glowed. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ [] Have you exhausted the excuses for taking a day off? Are all your grannies dead? Does the boss no longer believe the one about the crippled aunt who keeps falling over? [] They're all in a new book, "The Complete Hypochondriac", by the american author Dr E R Plunkett, published by Robert Hale #5.95 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- AIR CONTROLLERS SYNDROME: Peptic ulcers occuring among air traffic controllers, as a result of job stress {Illinois Medical Journal, 72} ALOPECIA WALKMANIA: Loss of hair from prolonged use of personal stereo headphones. {Journal of the American Medical Association, 1984} ANCHORMAN GLAZE: Glazed-eye look of TV anchorman caused by looking at the teleprompter through glaring camera lights. {Syracuse, New York, TV station, 1960} ARTIC TEMPER: Extreme irritability developing amongst arctic explorers exposed to darkness, monotony, isolation and sensory depravation. {Lancet, 1910} BARBERS BREASTS: Irritation of female hairdressers' nipples caused by penetrating hair clippings. {Clinical and Experimental Dermatology, 1982} BEER DRINKERS FINGER: Swelling, bluish discoloration and wasting of finger caused by placing pop-top beer can rings on finger. {JAMA, 68} BINGO BRAIN: The headache assocated with carbon monoxide intoxication which occurs after spending long hours in smoke filled bingo halls. {Canadian Medical Association, 1982} BIRDWATCHERS TWITCH: The nervous excitement of spotting a species for the first time. {New Scientist, 1982} BODY BUILDERS PSYCHOSIS: Psychotic episodes associated with the use of anabolic steroids; causing hallucinations, paranoid delusions, grandiose beliefs and manic-depressive sysmptoms. {Lancet, 1987} BOOKSELLERS BENDS: Sickness caused by changes in atmospheric pressure as the book the customer wants is always on the top shelf. {?} BULL MENS HAND: Numbness and pain in the index and middle fingers amongst artificial inseminators of cattle due to the constrictive effect of the rubber gloves and sleeve worn for this purpose. {Irish Medical Association, 1974} CASINO FEET: Soreness of the feet caused by standing in front of slot machines for long periods of time. {Wilmington Morning Star, 1981} CHICKEN NECK WRINGERS FINGER: Partial dislocation and arthritis of middle finger joint from continued use of this finger to dislocate chickens necks for slaughtering. {BMA Journal, 1955} CHRISTMAS DEPRESSION: Psychological stress during holidays related to the use of alcohol and social pressures. {JAMA, 1982} CREDIT-CARD-ITIS: Pain over the buttock and down thigh due to pressure on nerve from a wallet stuffed with credit cards. {New England Medical Journal, 1966} DISCO DIGIT: A sore finger from snapping fingers while dancing. {New England Medical Journal} DOG WALKERS ELBOW: Pain caused by constant tension and tugs from a dog leash. {New England Medical Journal, 1979} ELECTRONIC SPACE-WAR VIDEO-GAME EPILEPSY: Epilepsy caused by the flashing lights of electronic video games. {BMA Journal, 1982} ESPRESSO WRIST: Pain in espresso coffee machine operators from strong wrist motions required to make the coffee. {JAMA, 1956} FLIP-FLOP DERMATITIS: Skin disease on feet from wearing rubber flip-flops. {BMA Journal, 1965} FRISBEE FINGER: Cutting of finger from strenuous throwing of a frisbee {New England Medical Journal, 1975} GENU AMORIS: Swelling and pain in the knee from making love in an unusual position. {Arthritis and Rheumatism Journal, 1976} GOLF ARM: Shoulder and elbow pain after too many rounds of golf. {BMA Journal, 1896} GUITARISTS GROIN: Inflammation of veins on inside of thigh caused by pressure of guitar. {BMA Journal, 1974} HOOKERS ELBOW: Painful shoulder swelling suffered by fishermen repeatedly jerking upwards on a fishing line. {New England Medical Journal, 1981} HOUSWIFITIS: Nervous symptoms related to spending too much time managing a busy household. {Centrescope, 1976} HUMPERS LUMP: Swelling suffered by hotel porters from lugging heavy bags. {Diseases of Occupations, 1975} ICE-CREAM FROSTBITE: Frostbite on the lips from prolonged contact with ice-cream. {New England Medical Journal, 1982} JAZZ BALLET BOTTOM: Painful abscesses suffered by dancers who frequently spin on their bottoms. {Daily Telegraph, 1987} JEANS FOLLICULITIS: Irritation of the hair follicles on the bottom, groin, and thighs caused by ultra-tight jeans. {New England Medical Journal, 1981} JOGGERS NIPPLE: Nipple irritation caused by shirt friction when women joggers dont wear a bra. {New England Medical Journal, 1977} JOYSTICK DIGIT: Trigger finger pain following prolonged use of video game joysticks. {JAMA, 1987} KNIFE SHARPENERS CRAMP: Painful hand swelling from sharpening too many knives. {Diseases of Occupations, 1975} LABEL LICKERS TONGUE: Ulcers in mouth from sensitivity to stick labels {Dangerous Trades, 1902} LOVERS PALSY: Numbness of forearm from compression of nerve trapped in an unusual position. {Western Journal of Medicine, 1977} MONEY COUNTERS CRAMP: Painful seisure of muscles from counting too much cash. {English University Press, 1975} MOTORWAY BLUES: The sort of headaches noted by drivers on congested motorways. {BMA Journal, 1963} NUNS KNEE: Swelling of kneeecap from repeated kneeling in prayer. {Diseases of Occupations, 1975} OYSTER SHUCKERS KERATITIS: Eye irritation from contact with fragments of oyster shells. {BMA Journal, 1896} PANTIE GIRDLE SYNDROME: Tingling or swelling of feet from wearing a too-tight pantie girdle. {BMA Journal, 1972} PLAYERS LIVER: The hazard of spending too long in the bar instead of playing the game. {Encyclopedia of Sports, 1971} QUICK-DRAW LEG: Bullet wound in leg from practising fast draw from gun in belt holster. {JAMA, 1966} REFLEX HORN SYNDROME: Tendency for drivers waiting in traffic jams to toot horns. {New England Medical Journal, 1976} RETIRED HUSBAND SYNDROME: Tension, headaches, depression and anxiety felt by women whose husbands have just retired. {Western Journal of Medicine, 1984} SEAMSTRESSES BOTTOM: Hardening of skin following long-term trauma of rocking on the hips while operating a sewing machine. {American Family Physician, 1979} SICK SANTAS SYNDROME: Low back pain from lifting heavy children and parcels and aquired illnesses from multiple contact with kids. {JAMA, 1986} SLOT MACHINE TENDINITIS: Tenderness of the shoulder from playing slot machines. {New England Medical Journal, 1981} SYNDROME SYNDROME: Any medical reaction to reading about other peoples syndromes. {British Medical Journal} TELEVISION LEGS: Loss of normal flexibility of the legs from being slumped in a chair in front of the box for too long. {JAMA, 1958} TOILET SEAT DERMATITIS: Skin irritation on buttocks from spending too much time on the toilet. {Archive of Dermatology, 1933} UNIFORM RASH: Skin irritation of neck, chest and arms from wearing new uniforms. {BMJ, 1973} VOLKSWAGEN DERMATITIS: Allergic skin reaction caused by rubber bumper guards. {Archive of Dermatology, 1971} WANKERS CRAMP: .............. {trad} WELLIE THROWERS FINGER: Injury to finger joints sustained in wellie throwing contests. {BMJ, 1986} WORKING WIFE SYNDROME: Fatigue, irritability, headaches and diminished sex drive from strain of doing two jobs. {Lancet, 1966} YOGA FOOT DROP: Paralysis of foot due to compounded pressure from practicing Yoga positions. {JAMA, 1971} ZIP INJURY: Injury to the penis from entrapment in zip. {BMJ, 1977} ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The Night of the Hackers ________________________ . As you are surveying the dark and misty swamp you come across what appears to be a small cave. You light a torch and enter. You have walked several hundred feet when you stumble into a bright blue portal. . . With a sudden burst of light and a loud explosion you are swept into . . . DRAGONFIRE . . . Press Any Key . You have programmed your personal computer to dial into Dragonfire, a computer bulletin board in Gainesville, Texas. But before you get any information, Dragonfire demands your name, home city and phone number. So, for tonight's tour of the electronic wilderness you become Montana Wildhack of San Francisco. . Dragonfire, Sherwood Forest (sic), Forbidden Zone, Blottoland, Plovernet, The Vault, Shadowland, PHBI and scores of other computer bulletin boards are hangouts of a new generation of vandals. These precocious teenagers use their electronic skills to play hide-and-seek with computer and telephone security forces. Many computer bulletin boards are perfectly legitimate: they resemble electronic versions of the familiar cork boards in supermarkets and school corridors, listing services and providing information someone out there is bound to find useful. But this is a walk on the wild side, a trip into the world of underground bulletin boards dedicated to encouraging -- and making -- mischief. . The phone number for these boards are as closely guarded as a psychiatrist's home telephone number. Some numbers are posted on underground boards; others are exchanged over the telephone. A friendly hacker provided Dragonfire's number. Hook up and you see a broad choice of topics offered. For Phone Phreaks -- who delight in stealing service from AT&T and other phone networks . Phreakenstein's Lair is a potpourri of phone numbers, access codes and technical information. For computer hackers -- who dial into other people's computers -- Ranger's Lodge is chock-full of phone numbers and passwords for government, university and corporate computers. Moving through Dragonfire's offerings, you can only marvel at how conversant these teen-agers are with the technical esoterica of today's electronic age. Obviously they have spent a great deal of time studying computers, though their grammar and spelling indicate they haven't been diligent in other subjects. You are constantly reminded of how young they are. . "Well it's that time of year again. School is back in session so let's get those high school computer phone numbers rolling in. Time to get straight A's, have perfect attendance (except when you've been up all night hacking school passwords), and messing up you worst teacher's paycheck." . Forbidden Zone, in Detroit, is offering ammunition for hacker civil war -- tips on crashing the most popular bulletin-board software. There also are plans for building black, red and blue boxes to mimic operator tones and get free phone service. And he re are the details for "the safest and best way to make and use nitroglycerine," compliments of Doctor Hex, who says he got it "from my chemistry teacher." . Flip through the "pages." You have to wonder if this information is accurate. Can this really be the phone number and password for Taco Bell's computer? Do these kids really have the dial-up numbers for dozens of university computers? The temptation is too much. You sign off and have your computer dial the number for the Yale computer. Bingo -- the words Yale University appear on your screen. You enter the password. A menu appears. You hang up in a sweat. You are now a hacker. . Punch in another number and your modem zips off the touch tones. Here comes the tedious side of all of this. Bulletin boards are popular. No vacancy in Bates Motel (named for Anthony Perkin's creepy motel in the movie "Psycho"); the line is busy. So are 221 B. Baker Street, PHBI, Shadowland and The Vault, Caesar's Palace rings and connects. This is different breed of board. Caesar's Palace is a combination Phreak board and computer store in Miami. This is the place to learn ways to mess up a department store's anti-shoplifting system, or make free calls on telephones with locks on the dial. Pure capitalism accompanies such anarchy, Caesar's Palace is offering good deals on disc drives, software, computers and all sorts of hardware. Orders are placed through electronic mail messages. . 'Tele-Trial': Bored by Caesar's Palace, you enter the number for Blottoland, the board operated by one of the nation's most notorious computer phreaks -- King Blotto. This one has been busy all night, but it's now pretty late in Cleveland. The phone rings and you connect. To get past the blank screen, type the secondary password "S-L-I-M-E." King Blotto obliges, listing his rules: he must have your real name, phone number, address, occupation and interests. He will call and disclose the primary password, "if you belong on this board." If admitted, do not reveal the phone number or the secondary password, lest you face "tele-trial," the King warns as he dismisses you by hanging up. You expected heavy security, but this teenager's security is, as they say, awesome. Computers at the Defense Department and hundreds of businesses let you know when you've reached them. Here you need a password just to find out what system answered the phone. Then King Blotto asks questions -- and hangs up. Professional computer-security experts could learn something from this kid. He knows that ever since the 414 computer hackers were arrested in August 1982, law-enforcement officers have been searching for leads on computer bulletin boards. . "Do you have any ties to or connections with any law enforcement agency or any agency which would inform such a law enforcement agency of this bulletin board?" . Such is the welcoming message from Plovernet, a Florida board known for its great hacker/phreak files. There amid a string of valid VISA and MasterCard numbers are dozens of computer phone numbers and passwords. Here you also learn what Blotto means by tele-trial. "As some of you may or may not know, a session of the conference court was held and the Wizard was found guilty of some miscellaneous charges, and sentenced to four months without bulletin boards." If Wizard calls, system operators like King Blotto disconnect him. Paging through bulletin boards is a test of your patience. Each board has different commands. Few are easy to follow, leaving you to hunt and peck your way around. So far you haven't had the nerve to type "C," which summons the system operator for a live, computer-to-computer conversation. The time, however, however has come for you to ask a few questions of the "sysop." You dial a computer in Boston. It answers and you begin working your way throughout the menus. You scan a handful of dial- up numbers, including one for Arpanet, the Defense Department's research computer. Bravely tap C and in seconds the screen blanks and your cursor dances across the screen. . Hello . . . What kind of computer do you have? . Contact. The sysop is here. You exchange amenities and get "talking." How much hacking does he do? Not much, too busy. Is he afraid of being busted, having his computer confiscated like the Los Angeles man facing criminal changes because his computer bulletin board contained a stolen telephone-credit-card number? "Hmmmm . . . No," he replies. Finally, he asks the dreaded question: "How old are you?" "How old are YOU," you reply, stalling. "15," he types. Once you confess and he knows you're old enough to be his father, the conversation gets very serious. You fear each new question; he probably thinks you're a cop. But all he wants to know is your choice for president. The chat continues, until he asks, "What time is it there?" Just past midnight, you reply. Expletive. "it's 3:08 here," Sysop types. "I must be going to sleep. I've got school tomorrow." The cursor dances "*********** Thank you for Calling." The screen goes blank. Epilog: . A few weeks after this reporter submitted this article to Newsweek, he found that his credit had been altered, his drivers' licence revoked, and EVEN HIS Social Security records changed! Just in case you all might like to construe this as a 'Victimless' crime. The next time a computer fouls up your billing on some matter, and COSTS YOU, think about it! _______________________________ . This the follow-up to the previous article concerning the Newsweek reporter. It spells out SOME of the REAL dangers to ALL of us, due to this type of activity! _______________________________ The REVENGE of the Hackers _______________________________ . In the mischievous fraternity of computer hackers, few things are prized more than the veil of secrecy. As NEWSWEEK San Francisco correspondent Richard Sandza found out after writing a story on the electronic underground's (DISPATCHES, Nov. 12, 198\ ability to exact revenge can be unnerving. Also severe.... Sandza's report: . "Conference!" someone yelled as I put the phone to my ear. Then came a mind-piercing "beep," and suddenly my kitchen seemed full of hyperactive 15-year-olds. "You the guy who wrote the article in NEWSWEEK?" someone shouted from the depths of static, and giggles. "We're going disconnect your phone," one shrieked. "We're going to blow up your house," called another. I hung up. . Some irate readers write letters to the editor. A few call their lawyers. Hackers, however, use the computer and the telephone, and for more than simple comment. Within days, computer "bulletin boards" around the country were lit up with attacks on NEWSWEEK's "Montana Wildhack" (a name I took from a Kurt Vonnegut character), questioning everything from my manhood to my prose style. "Until we get real good revenge," said one message from Unknown Warrior, "I would like to suggest that everyone with an auto-l modem call Montana Butthack then hang up when he answers." Since then the hackers of America have called my home at least 2000 times. My harshest critics communicate on Dragonfire, a Gainesville, Texas, bulletin board where I am on teletrial, a video-lynching in which a computer user with grievance dials the board and presses charges against the offending party. Other hackers -- including the defendant --post concurrences or rebuttals. Despite the mealtime interruptions, all this was at most a minor nuisance; some was amusing, even fun. . FRAUD: The fun stopped with a call from a man who identified himself only as Joe. "I'm calling to warn you," he said. When I barked back, he said, "Wait, I'm on your side. Someone has broken into TRW and obtained a list of all your credit-card numbers, your home address, social-security number and wife's name and is posting it on bulletin boards around the country." He named the charge cards in my wallet. . Credit-card numbers are a very hot commodity among some hackers. To get one from a computer system and post it is the hacker equivalent of making the team. After hearing from Joe I visited the local office of the TRW credit bureau and got a copy of my credit record. Sure enough, it showed a Nov. 13 inquiry by the Lenox (Mass.) Savings Bank, an institution with no reason whatever to ask about me. Clearly some hacker had used Lenox's password to the TRW computers to get to my files (the bank has since changed the password). . It wasn't long before I found out what was being done with my credit-card numbers, thanks to another friendly hacker who tipped me to Pirate 80, a bulletin board in Charleston, W.Va., where I found this: "I'm sure you guys have heard about Richard Stza or Montana Wildhack. He's the guy who wrote the obscene story about phreaking in NewsWeek Well, my friend did a credit card check on TRW . . . try this number, it' a VISA . . . Please nail this guy bad . . . Captain Quieg. . Captain Quieg may himself be nailed. He has violated the Credit Card Fraud Act of 1984 signed by President Reagan on Oct. 12. The law provides a $10,000 fine and up to a 15-year prison term for "trafficking" in illegally obtained credit-card account numbers. He "friend" has committed a felony violation of the California computer-crime law. TRW spokeswoman Delia Fernandex said that TRW would "be more than happy to prosecute" both of them. . TRW has good reason for concern. Its computers contain the credit histories of 120 million people. Last year TRW sold 50 million credit reports on their customers. But these highly confidential personal records are so poorly guarded that computerized teenagers can ransack the files and depart undetected. TRW passwords -- unlike many others -- often print out when entered by TRW's customers. Hackers then look for discarded printouts. A good source: the trash of banks and automobile dealerships, which routinely do credit checks. "Everybody hacks TRW," says Cleveland hacker King Blotto, whose bulletin board has security system the Pentagon would envy. "It's the easiest." For her part, Fernandez insists that TRW "does everything it can to keep the system secure . In my case, however, that was not enough. My credit limits would hardly support big-time fraud, but victimization takes many forms. Another hacker said it was likely that merchandise would be ordered in my name and shipped to me -- just to harass me. I used to use credit-card numbers against someone I didn't like," the hacker said. "I'd call Sears and have a dozen toilets shipped to his house." . Meanwhile, back on Dragonfire, my teletrial was going strong. The charges, as pressed my Unknown Warrior, include "endangering all phreaks and hacks." The judge in this case is a hacker with the apt name of Ax Murderer. Possible sentences range from exile from the entire planet" to "kill the dude." King Blotto has taken up my defense, using hacker power to make his first pleading: he dialed up Dragonfire, broke into its operating system and "crashed" the bulletin board, destroying all of its messages naming me. The board is back up now, with a retrial in full swing. But then, exile from the electronic underground looks better all the time. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Those who forget history--and the English language--may be condemned to mangle both. Historian Anders Henriksson, a five- year veteran of the university classroom, has faithfully recorded his freshman students' more striking insights into European history. Possibly as an act of vengeance, Henriksson has assembled these fractured fragments into a chronological narra- tive from the Middle Ages to the present. During the Middle Ages, everyone was middle aged. Church and state were co-operated. Middle Evil society was made up of monks, lords, and surfs. After a revival of infantile commerce, merchants appeared. Those roamed from town to town exposing them- selves and organizing big fairies in the countryside. The Crusades were expeditions by Christians who were seeking to free the holy land (the "Home Town" of Christ) from the Islams. In the 1400 hundreds most Englishmen were perpendicular. A class of ycowls arose. Finally, Europe caught the Black Death. It was spread from port to port by inflected rats. The plague also helped the emergence of English as the national language of England, France, and Italy. The Middle Ages slimpared to a halt. The renesance bolted in from the blue. Life reeked with joy. Italy became robust, and more individuals felt the value of their human being. Italy, of course, was much closer to the rest of the world, thanks to northern Europe. Man was determined to civilise himself and his brothers, even if heads had to roll! It became sheik to be educa- ted. Europe was full of incredable churches with great art bulging out of their doors. Renaisance merchants were beautiful and almost lifelike. The Reformnation happened when German nobles resented that tithes were going to the pope, thus enriching Catholic coiffures. The popes were usually Catholic. An angry Martin Luther nailed 95 theocrats to a church door. Theologically, Luthar was into reori- entation mutation. Anabaptist services tended to be migratory. Monks went right on seeing themselves as worms. The last Jesuit priest died in the 19th century. After the refirmation were wars both foreign and infernal. If the Spanish could gain the Netherlands they would have a stronghold throughout northern Europe that would include Italy, Burgangy, central Europe and India thus surrounding France. The German Emperor's lower passage was blocked by the French for years and years. Louis XIV became King of the Sun. He gave people food and artillery. If he didn't like someone, he sent them to the gallows to row for the rest of their lives. Vauban was the royal minister of flirtation. In Russia, the 17th century was known as the time of the bounding of the serfs. Russian nobles wore clothes to humor Peter the Great. Peter filled his government with accidental people; orthodox priests became government antennae. The enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire wrote a book called Candy that got him into trouble. Philosophers were unknown yet, and the fundamental stake was one of religious tolerance slightly confused with defeatism. France was in a serious state. Taxation was a great drain on the state budget. The French revolution was accomplished before it happened. The revolution catapaulted into Napolean. Napoleon was ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrain- ed. History started in 1815. Industrialization was precipitating in England. Problems were so complexicated that in Paris, out of a population of 1 million people, 2 million able bodies were on the loose. The middle class was tired and needed a rest. The old order could see the lid holding down new ideas beginning to shake. Among the goals of the chartists were universal suferage and an anal parliment. A new time zone of national unification roared over the horizon. Founder of the new Italy was Cavour, an intelligent Sardine from the north. Culture formented from its tip to its top. Dramatized were adventures in seduction and abortion. Music reeked with reality. Wagner was master of music, and when he died they labeled his seat "historical." World War I broke out about 1912-1914. At war people get killed, and then they aren't people any more, but friends. Peace was proclaimed at Versigh, which was attended by General Loid, Primal Minister of England. President Wilson arrived with 14 pointers. In 1917, Lenin revolted Russia. Germany was displaced after WW1. This gave rise to Hitler, who remilitarized the Rineland over a squirmish between Germany and France. Mooscalini rested his foundations on 8 million bayonets and invaded Hi Lee Salasy. Germany invaded Poland, France invaded Belgium, and Russia invaded everybody. War screeched to an end when a nukleer explosion was dropped on Heroshima. A whole generation had been wipe out, and their forlorne families were left to pick up the peaces. The last stage is us. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Q: What's the difference between cheating on your wife/girlfriend and cheating on your taxes? A: The IRS will still want to screw you. A little boy in a wealthy family walks into the bathroom one day as his mother is exiting the shower. "What's that?" says the boy pointing at his mom's crotch. Startled, the mother says that it's her sponge. A few days later the boy's mother shaves her pubic hair in preparation for a minor surgery. The little boy walks into the bedroom and catches his mom naked between a clothing change. "Mom," asks the child, "where's your sponge?" Thinking fast, the mother says, "Er, I lost it." Two days later the little boy goes running to his mother. "Mom, mom," shouts the little boy. "I found your sponge." You did?" replies the surprised woman. "Yeh, the maid's downstairs washing daddy's face with it." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The World According to Student Bloopers Richard Lederer St. Paul's School One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot. The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cul- tivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines. Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men. Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them. Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense. In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote liter- ature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head. The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper. The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Vir- gin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself be- fore her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Mac- beth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained." During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this. One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post with- out stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented elec- tricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a sup- posedl insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are flaling off the trees. Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolu- tion, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign. The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers. The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Q: Why are there so many guys named Tony in New York City? A: Before they leave Italy the officials stamp "TO NY" on their foreheads. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Waiter, Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup? - Looks like the breast-stroke to me, sir. Waiter, Waiter, my plate's wet! - That's not wet, sir - that's the soup! Waiter, Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup. - What do you expect for $1 - a live one? Waiter, Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! - Well, keep quiet about it or everyone will want one... Waiter, Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud! - I'm not surprised, sir, it was ground only a few minutes ago. Waiter, Waiter, my knife is blunt and my steak is like leather. - I should strop the knife on the steak then, sir. Waiter, Waiter, you're not fit to serve a pig! - I'm doing my best, sir. Waiter, Waiter, I'll pay my bill now. - This $10 note is bad, sir. So was the meal. Waiter, Waiter, how long have you been here? - Six months, sir. Ah, then, it can't be you who took my order. Waiter, Waiter, this lobster's only got one claw. - I expect he's been in a fight, sir. Well, bring me the winner! Waiter, Waiter, have you got frogs' legs? - Certainly, sir. Then hop into the kitchen and get me a steak! Waiter, Waiter, my bill please. - How did you find your luncheon, sir? With a magnifying glass. Waiter, Waiter, what do you call this? - Cottage pie, sir. Well, I've just bitten on a piece of the door. Waiter, Waiter, what do you call this? - That's bean soup, sir. I don't care what it's been, what is it now? Waiter, Waiter, I'll have the pie, please. - Anything with it, sir? If it's anything like last time I'd better have a hammer and chisel. Waiter, Waiter, I'll have my bill now. - How did you find your steak, sir? Oh, I just moved the potato and there it was. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ TOP TEN WAYS TO TELL IF SOMEONE IS DEPRESSED ============================================(c)1994 Sandy Illes 10. It's hard to understand what they're saying because the noose is wrapped around their neck too tightly. 9. Blood from their slit veins is staining your carpet. 8. Their voice is muffled because their head is poked inside your gas oven. 7. They're talking to you from the top of a 20-storey building. 6. They're wearing cement shoes to go swimming. 5. They've covered themselves in gasoline and are asking if you have a match. 4. They really don't care if the rent is behind because they're about to skydive without a parachute. 3. They're lying in the street like a speed bump waiting for a car to come along and run them over. 2. They've replaced their blood with Folger's Crystals. 1. They've offered to play goalie for your darts match. ========================================================= Irony: A burning victim noting in his will that he wants to be cremated. Stupidity: Trying to stab yourself to death with a gun. ========================================================= ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ WHY WORRY? There are only two things to worry about. Either you are well or you are sick. If you are well, there is nothing to worry about. If you are sick, there are two things to worry about. Either you will get well, or you will die. If you get well, then there is nothing to worry about. But if you die, there are two things to worry about. Either you will go to heaven and there will be nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell, you will be so damned busy shaking hands with your friends that you won't have time to worry. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ There's been a lot of talk on making money of late, and frankly most of it is gobshite. There are far better, quicker and easier ways of doing it, and some of them are even legal! Here's a list of GUARANTEED moneymakers. (1) Stealing from yourself - this is 100% legal!!! Whenever you get any cash, wallop yourself over the head and threaten to cut off important parts of your anatomy unless you hand over the money. Then run away very quickly, and bury the money in a field or something. Make sure you don't know where it is. Also make sure it's not someone else's garden. Before you know it, you will have a huge stash of loot that can easily be converted into krugerrand or diamonds, for you to drool and gloat over. Not only this, but you will be able to claim on your insurance for the attack (you might even get a disability allowance if you hit yourself hard enough). (2) Not spending money - this is a highly effective technique for accruing cash. It is so obvious, that a lot of people tend to overlook it, but after a moment's reflection, I'm sure you'll realize what potential this little scheme has. For instance, here is a breakdown of my own monthly income/outgo: income: wages $1000 outgo: tax $800 bubblebath $50 jellybabies $40 pencils $38 matches $33 shoes $20 rat poison $15 ant food $7 obscene phone calls $3 lettuce $2.50 vaseline $1.50 So, you see, by not spending money on tax, I immediately save a staggering EIGHTY PERCENT of my income! This can then be stolen from me by myself and hidden in a field for later drooling. (3) Selling your body (fnarr, fnarr) - once again we have a simple and legal earner. Legal for you, that is; the surgeon who removes your bits is in breach of contract with God who's the only one *legally* entitled to your appendages. Anyway, the scam is brilliant, since you not only get paid for the organs, you get a free trip to the hospital into the bargain!!! Be careful not to get carried away and get carried away (in bits); I recently read that someone had made well over $500,000 selling everything from the neck down, but he wasn't satisfied, so he sold his eyes, nose, ears and teeth too. Being a little short of the old senses, he was run over by a bus the next day. He should have quit while he was a head. (4) Selling your soul - a sadly underused option, mainly owing to the bad publicity it has received over the years. The old days of `selling your soul' are well and truly over, and the modern options are far more suited to the jet setting life styles of the late twentieth century. For instance, there is the timeshare scheme, when you can agree to be possessed by several minor demons over the year. This is a real winner, because you can be really outrageous at parties, commit serious crimes, and then claim to be mad when your case comes up; you can be especially convincing if you can get one of those demons that talks out of your bottom. Selling your soul and then buying it back on a long lease is also to be recommended, especially if the lease lasts well beyond your life expectancy. Be sure you don't believe in Hell if you try this one out. Another possibility is conning Lucifer into buying something that you *claim* to be your soul, but which is in fact an empty crisp packet, or a bag of nails or something. Be sure you do a good touchup job on it. Maybe ask Saatchi and Saatchi for advise; they can sell anything, as I'm sure everyone in the UK is well aware. (5) Crime - this isn't strictly legal, unless it's government approved, when it's often not legal not to do it. It helps if you don't have a conscience; perhaps you can sell it to Old Nick. Basically, making a living out of crime involves either taking money from people which they don't want you to have (note that tax is an exception, seeing as it is government approved), or pretending to sell them one thing and really selling them something else much less valuable (the more worthless it is, the richer you become). Beware that an awful lot of the latter is in fact legal; it's called marketing. Also, it is not a crime to convince people they need something completely useless. (6) Printing money - this is getting to be a waste of time. (7) Start a religion - remembering that it's not a crime to convince people they need something completely useless, this is probably the most successful scam ever invented. Over the centuries, hundreds of people have made FORTUNES doing this. In the old days, you needed an army big enough to convince the populace that it was in their interests to pay voluntary donations to your church. Nowadays, you need a pale blue suit, a teevee channel, a set of luminous teeth and the ability to cry at the drop of a hat. Human stupidity will do the rest for you. I hope that this information will be of use to the budding capitalists out there on the net. I can personally vouch for the efficacy of all of them in one form or another, except for not spending money; I get so much from the other scams that I don't need too!!! For more information, send $25 to Scams International, PO Box 666, London. Then add your name and address to the list and write to five other people, telling them to send $25 to... ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Two nuns stop at a traffic light in A gang of youths appraoch the car menacingly and bang on the door. Driver nun says to the other, quick, get out and show him your cross, maybe they will let us go. Passenger nun gets out and yells angrily "FUCK OFF all of you!" What did Joan Collins say to King Kong ? "Is it in yet ? " ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ q: Why don't mexicans have barbeques? a: the beans keep slipping through the grill. q: Why don't mexicans marry blacks? a: then their kids would be too lazy to steal. Q: what do you call a mexican baptism? A: a bean dip. Q: what has 3 mexicans, a chinese, and 4 blacks? A: a sprinkler spick, spick, spick, *chink*, 1niggerniggerniggernigger. Q: why did Santa Anna bring only 4000 troops to the Alamo? A: he only had 2 cars. Q. What do have when there are two mexicans in a box? A. A pair of loafers Q. What do you get when you cross a mexican with an asian? A. A car thief who can't drive. Q. Why can't Mexicans become Doctors? A. It's too hard to spray paint prescriptions. Q: Why do Mexicans have noses? A: To have something to pick in the offseason. Q. what do you get when you cross a chicano and a polock? A. A kid who spraypaints his name on a chain link fence. Q. Why did the Mexican government have to cancel both drivers ed and sex ed in the schools? A. The donkeys couldn't take anymore. Q. What do you get when you cross a chicano and a polock? A. A kid who spraypaints his name on a chain link fence. Q. What did the Mexicans do when the Asians moved into the neighborhood? A. Buy auto insurance. This couple went to a bar to have a few drinks. The guy goes off to the restroom, and sees a mexican guy picking up on his girl. So, the guy tells the mexican to back off, he knows Karate. The mexican guy says "Hey, ju back off, man! I know mexican judo!" "What the hell is mexican Judo?" he asks. The mexican guy says "Hey, ju don' know eef I got a knife, ju don' know eef I got a gun..." Q. Do You Know Why They Don't Let Mexicans In The Fire Department? A. Because They Can't Tell Hose-A From Hose-B! Q. How Do 3 Mexicans Cross The Rio Grand? A. One Swims And The Other 2 Cross On The Scum. Q. How Many Mexicans Does It Take To Grease A Car? A. One If You Hit 'em Right. Q. If A Polack And A Mexican Fall Off The Top Of A Tall Building, who hits The Ground First? A1. The Polack, Because The Mexican Stopped To Spray His Name On The Wall A2. The Mexican, Because The Polack Got Lost A3. Who Cares? Q. What Do Mexicans Call Bartle & James Wine Cooler? A. Dos Okies Q. What Do You Call A Mexican With A Vasectomy? A. A Dry Martinez. Q. What Do You Call A Mexican Midget? A. A Speck. Q. What Do You Get When You Cross A Mexican With An Octopus? A. I Don't Know, But It Can Sure Pick Lettuce Q. What Is A Wiener? A. The First One To Cross The Line At A Mexican Track Meet. Q. What Is The Name Of Mexico's Telephone Company? A. "Taco Bell." Q. What Would You Call A Mexican Gigolo? A. Juan For The Money! Q. When Does A Mexican Become A Spaniard? A. When He Marries Your Daughter. Q. Why Aren't There Any Swimming Pools In Mexico? A. Because All The Mexicans Who Can Swim Are Over Here. Q. Why Do Mexicans Eat Beans For Dinner? A. So They Can Take Bubble Baths. Q. Why Do Mexicans Have Re-Fried Beans? A. Have You Ever Heard Of A Mexican Doing Anything Right The First Time? Q. Why Is There So Little Great Mexican Literature? A. Spray Paint Wasn't Invented Until 1950. Q. Why Is The Average Age Of The Mexican Army, 40? A. Because They Take 'em Right Out Of High School! Q. Why Don't The Mexican Play Hide And Seek? A. Because No-One Would Look For Them. Q. Why Does The New mexican Navy Have Glass-Bottomed Boats? A. So They Can See The Old mexican Navy. Q. Why Do Mexicans Make The Best Astronauts? A. Because They Take Up Space In School. Q. Why Did The mexican Jump Off The Empire State Building? A. To Show Everybody That He Had Guts. Q. Why Are Mexicans So Quick On Their Feet? A. Because They Spend Their First Nine Months Dodging Coat Hangers. Q. Who Won The mexican Beauty Contest? A. Nobody. Q. Where Does A mexican Car Pool Meet? A. At Work! Q. What Do You Get When You Cross A mexican And A Squirrel? A. A Tree Full Of Hubcaps. Q. What Do You Call An mexican Lying Under A Wheel Barrow? A. A Mechanic. Q. What Do You Call A Mexican At University? A. The Caretaker. Q. What Do Mexicans Say Before Picking Their Noses? A. Grace. Q. How Does The mexican Prepare For A Trip In Alaska? A. He Packs A Six-Pack In Case He Has To Leave A Message In The Snow. Q. How Do You Sink A Mexican Submarine? A. Knock On The Hatch! Q. How Do You Sink A Mexican Battleship? A. Put It In Water. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Conversation between a furniture salesman and a prostitute: Salesman: "If my furniture business doesn't improve, I'm gonna lose my ass." Prostitute: "If my ass business doesn't pick up, I'm gonna lose my furniture. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A burglar had been casing a particular house for some time. Finally, he saw the owners leave for what appeared to be an extended camping trip. That night he broke in through a basement window and was trying to find his way in the dark when he heard what seemed to him to be the voice of a very old woman saying "Shame on you! I see you, and Jesus sees you!" Startled, the burglar snarls back "Shut up, Grandma, or you're gonna get hurt!" He shines his flashlight all around, but no Grandma. Again the voice: "Shame on you! I see you, and Jesus sees you!" Finally, the beam of the flashlight finds a large cage and in it a pretty upset parrot. Relieved, the burglar turns back around and starts toward the stairs, only to spot an enormous slavering doberman waiting at the top. Just then the parrot screams, "Sic'em, Jesus!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ THE WORLD'S BEST PICKUP LINES I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand. Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call your mother and thank her. Is your daddy a thief? ["No."] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy answer in case they say "yes."] Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want? Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway. The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word. Do your legs hurt? Because you've been running through my mind all night. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning. My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream. Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns. [Look at her shirt label. When she says, "What are you doing?":] Checking to see if you were made in heaven. All those curves, and me with no brakes. I like every bone in your body, especially mine. [Grab his/her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken? Is it hot in here or is it just you? Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together. How about you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up? You know what'd look good on you? Me. How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes? [Tap your thigh] You think this is just my leg... So, what would you like for breakfast tomorrow morning? Is that a mirror in your pocket, because I can sure see myself in your pants. They say milk does a body good, so you must live in a dairy. Oh damn, I lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours? ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The Norse god of thunder, Thor, was hanging aroung Asgard (sp?) one afternoon feeling particularly horny. He decided to travel to earth to satisfy his desires. In the guise of a mortal man he came upon the cottage of a fair young maiden. After a good deal of persuasive chatter, he proceeded to make passionate love to her for 48 hours straight. At the end of this fantastic bout, the mighty Thor took leave of the young lady and returned home. Upon his homecoming, he was met by Odin, the leader of the Norse gods. Odin instructed the wiley thunder god that he really should have revealed his true identity to the sweet young thing. After all, it was only fair to her. Reluctanly, Thor took Odin's advice and arrived at the lady's door the following morning. When the woman emerged from her home, the mighty deity announced, "I am Thor!" To this, she replied, "YOU'RE Thor?!?! I'M tho thor I can hardly pee!!!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a Nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. "You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do _you_ know Sister?" "My Mother Superior told me so" "But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?" "Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself" "Then let me buy you a drink, - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life" "How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!" "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no-one will know" The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar. "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman ".. and could you put the vodka in a teacup?" "Oh no! It's not that bloody Nun again is it?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A true story... There is this very large lovable dog who is named "U2" because he is always flying over the fence like a rocket. A lady was showing a couple around her garage sale, when U2 jumps over the fence and wanders into the garage. The lady suddenly screams, "U2, Get the hell out of here!!!", and was surprised to see the two shoppers running away. Q. When is it much better to be a women than a men ? A. When you are in the lavatory and the plane hits turbulences. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ 22 September 1995 From: Citiwide FSB 666 Avenue of the Americas New York NY 10023 To: Mr. William Z Grates the 8th esq. Tin Pot Software Inc. 1 Virus Way Windowville PX 90210 Ref.: Your Gold Visa Card Credit Application Dear Mr. Grates We thank you for your recent written application for a Gold Visa Card with our esteemed establishment. Prior to issuance of your new Gold Visa Card there are a number of items on the application which require further explanation. 1). The entry for your last name appears to be erroneous. Unfortunately we can find no record on our database of over 4.5 billion people world wide who have a last name of "God". 2). Social security numbers are normally 9 digits long and have a specific format of ###-##-####. Your entry of simply "1" does not meet the aforementioned criteria. 3). The characteristics of a normal address are firstly a number followed by the name of a road. Subsequent lines usually include a city, a state of residence and a zip or postal code. An identifying country for overseas applicants should also be included. Regrettably your submission of "Heaven" is inappropriate. 4). Although the formats of dates of birth vary from country to country the requirement as indicated on our application specifically asks for "Month - Day - Year" format. Day 1 just does not cut it. 5). With reference to the line marked occupation we note that you wrote "Master of the Universe". As is the norm for all new applications, we checked both the personal references you supplied and received a somewhat different answer, to whit; Reference A says: The last I knew he was planning this huge scam which involved some massive blue chip company in New York and he was going to sell them a right bill of goods for millions and millions of dollars. He said not only was he going to get a shit load of money but after it was a done deal and they read the small print they would find that all they had bought was a load of floppy plastic things. The stuff on them still belonged to him and each time they tried to sell one of these things they would have to send him a kick back. He said the best of it was though, was that he still hadn't dreamed up what to put on the floppy plastic things and he could make any old crap up. Reference B says: During our days at school together I was always disgusted at the peddling and pimping which he undertook. The sale of dirty needles, bad acid, dried tea leaves mixed with the cannabis, cocaine diluted with talcum powder, water mixed with the vodka and whiskey and of course all the prostitutes had to have either VD or gonorrhea. The fast money he made for the shitty services he provided and a take it or leave it attitude certainly left a bad taste in many of his punters' mouths (and their bloodstream). 6). The box for annual income clearly has sufficient room for a standard entry of up to 7 digits. The $2,000,000,000.00 you tried to fit in their cannot be read by our digital imaging computer (which we note is running on Tin Pot Software) and we ask that you amend this to a size more in line with the available technology. Furthermore, should you insist on including a figure which is almost as large as the national debt we will of course require proof of income which should be in the form of a recent weekly pay stub or a pay packet if you are paid in cash. 7). We have on our applications numerous boxes for existing financial obligations, mortgage payments, car payments, alimony, other regular financial commitments and miscellaneous. We are unable to accept "I own you" and "You owe me" as suitable answers to these questions and we ask that you refrain from being supercilious in your reply. 8). Finally, we always include a couple of lines entitled "Please list any other pertinent information which may help us in assessing your application". Regrettably your answer of "Please see attached" is inadmissible especially when we found a 35,000 word diatribe in manuscript format accompanying your application. Further review of this manuscript led us to believe that your intentions are not altogether in keeping with the goodness of our fellow man, specifically: a). You wanted the manuscript published in the New York Times and the Washington Post. b). O J is as guilty as hell c). Michael Jackson is a pedophile d). Serbia should be nuked out of existence e). Saddam is a wuss f). Orville Redenbacher made crappy popcorn g). President Clinton is an arsehole and so is Bill h). Tin Pot software is crash proof i). I am God and I am never wrong And other seemingly endless manifestations and propaganda which are far too lengthy to go into here. You may reply in a similar format as to the outline of this document and until such time as we receive your reply we regret to inform that on this occasion your application for a GOLD VISA CARD has been "DENIED". Should you have any comments or suggestions you may write directly to: The Equal Opportunities and Fair Trades Commission 666 Avenue of the Americas New York NY 10023 and mark your envelope "Another stupid crybaby who has been refused credit" Yours faithfully The Credit Department. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ And who says our educational system is in dire straits? I submit these compilations as testimony to the debate, taken from children, newspapers, and teachers: "This paper needs a few comas." "When papa passed away they burned his ashes and brought them home in a urinal." "We sat down to a picnic dinner of fricken chicasee." "You shake milk in a big stirrer machine to make it homicidal." "It was so hot during football practice that a lot of kids keeled over from nervous prostitution. Rusty Banazek broke his clavichord in scrimmage." "At the Knights of Columbus dinner, they will serve the same fish as last year." "Tomorrow Helen Henry visits the home of a retired Navy Captain and his wife, an exotic U-shaped structure." "LOST: Male cat. Needs medication. Owner very worried, neutered and declawed." "Winners at the card party were William Davenport, a turkey, and Mrs. Trudy Baker, a chicken." "Dear Teacher: Stanley had to miss some school. He had an attack of whooping cranes in his chest." "Dear Teacher: Lynda was away as she had stripe infection." "Dear Teacher: Please excuse the stink on Bill's clothes. We've been spraying the garden because it is full of abnoxus incests." "Dear Teacher: Please excuse Jane. She had an absent tooth. Wednesday she will have an appointment with the orinthologist." "Dear Teacher: Please excuse my daughter's absence for the past week, as she had a case of the fool." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ >From an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail: Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan. The company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time). The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Did you know that the word "gullible" is missing from most dictionaries? In a survey taken several years ago, all incoming freshman at MIT were asked if they expected to graduate in the top half of their class. Ninety-seven percent responded that they did. From the Detroit News, June 8, 1988 Dateline: Santa Ana, California. A man was fined $58 after failing to persuade a judge that the four frozen corpses in his van qualified him for life in the fast lane. Robert Hanshew, 25, of Westminster, who transports cadavers for a mortuary service, was stopped March 21 for using a freeway car pool lane reserved for vehicles carrying two people or more. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ An American General, a Russian General and a British General are standing on the deck of a ship watching war exercises (OK, OK, so this is an *old* one..). The topic of discussion turns to human courage, and the Russian General boasts, "Russians are the most courageous people on Earth!". Upon which the American (naturally) challenges him: "Oh YEAH?". The Russian says, "Sure! Here, Yuri! Jump off the deck (into the freezing Atlantic) and swim around the ship!" Yuri marches off without a word, and does as he is told. The Russian turns around and says: "See, there's an example of courage!" The American *has* to top this, so he calls up one of his underlings and gives him the order: "Jack, Jump off the main mast into the ocean, and swim around the ship seven times!" Poor Jack goes off without a murmur, and he too does as he is told. The American General says: "Now top *that* for courage!" So they both turn around to the British General who has been standing around watching these antics silently. They ask him: "What about *your* people?". So the British guy calls up one of his people and says: "Trevor, jump off the mast and swim under the keel of the ship, will you, old chap?" Trevor stares at his general. "Let me get this right. You want me to jump off the mast." "Yes." "And swim under the keel" "Yes." "You must be daft!" And so saying, Trevor turns around and saunters off. Whereupon the British General turns to the other two and says, "Now *there*'s an example of TRUE courage!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut through a graveyard. It is raining heavily and very dark. The drunk fails to see an open grave and falls into it. He tries to climb out of it, but it is too deep and the rain has turned the dirt to mud and has made it too slippery to climb. He gives up after a while and decides to spend the night there. A while later, another drunk leaves the same bar and decides to take the same shortcut through the graveyard. He, too, falls into that open grave and tries to climb out but the mud is too slippery. The first drunk is still sitting there and watches as the other drunk tries but fails to get out. The first drunk stands up, taps the second drunk on the shoulder and tells him, "You'll never get out!". He did. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ SCENE: It's a fine sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter. Along comes a fox, out for a walk. FOX: "What are you working on?" RABBIT: "My thesis." FOX: "Hmm. What's it about?" RABBIT: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes." (incredulous pause) FOX: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes." RABBIT: "Sure they do, and I can prove it. Come with me." They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After a few minutes, the rabbit returns, alone, to his typewriter and resumes typing. Soon, a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit. WOLF: "What's that you're writing?" RABBIT: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves." (loud guffaws) WOLF: "You don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?" RABBIT: "No problem. Do you want to see why?" The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, and again the rabbit returns by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing. SCENE: Inside the rabbit's burrow. In one corner, there is a pile of fox bones. In another corner, a pile of wolf bones. On the other side of the room a huge lion is belching and picking his teeth. (The End) MORAL: It doesn't matter what you choose for a thesis subject. It doesn't matter what you use for data. What does matter is who you have for a thesis advisor. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev and Foreign Secretary Eduard Shevardnadze met on the eve of the recent super-power summit. "What can we do to impress the Americans?" Gorbachev asked Shevardnadze. Replied the foreign secretary: "Well, we could open the gates of the Soviet Union for 24 hours." "Don't be crazy," Gorbachev replied. "Everybody would go and it would leave only the two of us sitting here." "Speak for yourself," shot back Shevardnadze. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Jimmy Swaggart telephoned Jim Bakker: Swaggart: "I have a theological question; can a prostitute be saved? Bakker: "Yes." Swaggart: "Would you save me one for Saturday night?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ My friend and I were in a record store to buy a 45-speed record of his favorite song. After he located it, he realized that he forgot his wallet. Instead of going out and getting his wallet, he decided to get a five-finger discount (shoplift) so he put it down his pants. Well, as we were leaving the store, the cashier stopped him and said, "Excuse me, but is that a record in your pants?" To this he responded, "It may not be a record, but I'm mighty proud of it." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ My favourite two campus practical jokes: 1. Arrange the light switches in a lavatory and an adjacent room so that flipping one switch also flips the other. Consider the resultant scene (visible from the outside just by watching the windows): the room's resident retires for the evening, turning off his (or her) light. Some time later, someone else decides to use the head, and turns on the light. After a few minutes, the resident awakes, decides that someone is pulling a fast one, and turns the light off ... on the guy (or girl) who is by now seated on the throne! If it works correctly, the two unfortunates end up standing at their respective light switches, with the lights oscillating rapidly (by which time the perpetrators are rolling on the ground outside laughing their heads off). 2. This prank happened a number of years ago. Two guys had been pulling practical jokes on each other for quite a while. Finally, one of them got a pair of rather large (and LOUD) firecrackers, and wired them to light bulb bases with nichrome wire such that applying power would set off the firecrackers. One of the devices was installed in the victim's room, the other in the perpetrator's. That evening, the victim returned to his room, and turned on the light. There was a short delay as the fuse burned, and during that delay the victim (quite naturally) turned to see what was wrong with the light -- BLAM! Well, the victim was (quite naturally) upset and flustered and resolved to do some- thing appropriately horrendous to the perpetrator's room. He went over to the perpetrator's room, his own counter-prank in hand, went in, and turned on the light. When nothing happened, his reflexes again betrayed him: he looked up at the light -- BLAM! Apparently, the victim never bothered to counter-stack the perpetrator. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred. So, he borrowed his neighbor's bull and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished. "Yeah daddy, yeah daddy" said the little boy. After a while the boy came into the living where his father was talking with some friends. "Say, Pop", said the boy. "Yes", replied his father. "The bull just fucked the brown cow". There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said "Excuse me" and took his son outside. "Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You should say 'The bull *surprised* the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull *surprises* the white cow". The father went back inside the house. After a while the boy came in and said "Hey, Daddy". "Yes, son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?" "He sure did, Pop! He fucked the brown cow again!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A city boy went duck hunting in the country one day. While hunting he shot a duck which fell on the property of a farmer. The boy crawled over the fence to claim his kill. But, the farmer, seeing what had happened rushed out with his shotgun and yelled, "See here! That duck belongs too me!" The city boy replies, "But I shot the duck, therfore it belongs to me!" The farmer says, "It fell on my property so it belongs to me!" They continue to argue, each claiming ownership of the duck. After awhile the farmer says, "We should settle this the old-fashioned way." The city boy asks, "What is the 'old-fashioned way'?" The farmer explains, "First, I kick you in the groin. Then, you kick me in the groin and we continue in this fashion until one of us gives up. The one who wins gets the duck." The city boy, willing to do anything to get his duck and leave, agrees to the contest. The farmer draws back his leg and kicks the city boy in the groin with all his might. The city boy, in horrible pain, falls to the ground moaning and groaning. After about 10 minutes of this, the city boy stands up shakily and croaks, "Its my turn now." The farmer says, "Oh, you can have the duck", and leaves. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000." "No problem! I'll write you a check!" "Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared." So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!" "I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A distinguished-looking man entered a Geneva bank and inquired about taking out a loan for 1000 Swiss francs. "What security can you offer?" the banker asked. "My Rolls-Royce is parked out front," he said. "I will be away for a few weeks. Here are the keys." A month later, the man returned to the bank and paid off the loan, 1017 francs with interest. "Pardon me for asking," the banker said, "but why a one-thousand franc loan for a man of your obvious means?" "Very simple," he replied. "Where else can you store a Rolls for a month for seventeen francs?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ What's the difference between a toy poodle humping your leg and a Pit Bull humping your leg? ...The Pit Bull gets to finish! Why are women like snow flakes?? They are all beautiful They are all different They can all be cold as ice. But they'll all melt when they land on your face...... ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ This fella catches a leprechaun. (I'm sure you all know the standard beginning of leprechaun stories. We'll skip this part...) ...so finally the leprechaun says, "Aye, ye shall have yar wish." "When?" "Tonight, whilst ye are asleep, it shall come ta ye." That night, he wakes up to a knock on the door. He opens it to see a burning cross on his front lawn, and 6 white-robed, hooded figures on his front porch. The leader, rope in hand, walks up to him and says, "Are yew the one that wanted tuh be hung lahk a nigger?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ One day a kindergarten teacher decided to test her students on animal sounds. Calling on white little Mary, she asked, "Mary, what does a cow say?" "Moooo," answered Mary. "Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Johnny, what does the sheep say?" "Baaaa, replied little white Johnny. Then the teacher asked little black LeRoy, "What does the pig say, LeRoy?" LeRoy thought for a minute, then said, "FREEZE, nigger!" The new substitute teacher was introducing herself to the class. "My name is Miss Prussy. That's like pussycat only with an 'r'." The next morning, she began class by asking if anyone remembered her name. Little Johnny's hand shot up from the third row. "Yes," he proudly exclaimed, "You're Miss Crunt." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Did you hear about the two sailors and the nurse who were stranded together on a desert island? After three months, the nurse was so disgusted with what she was doing that she killed herself. Then, after three more months, the sailors were so disgusted with what they were doing, they buried her. There is a young woman who, instead of disposing her tampons normally, throws them into her closet. One day, she is entertaining her lover when she hears the front door open. She quickly hides him in the closet and locks the door. It's her husband surprising her with two tickets for a weekend in Hawaii. On Monday, she waits till her husband has gone off to work and finally opens the closet door, expecting the worst. But he is in fine shape and says cheerfully, "Hell, if it weren't for all those jelly doughnuts you had in there, I never would have made it!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Little Joey wins a big bag of M & M's at the carnival and runs home to show his mom. He begs for some and his mother gives him two. Joey pops them into his mouth, runs outside, bites the cat, and jumps on his tricycle to zoom around the house. Coming to a screeching halt in front, he runs inside, grabs two more M & M's, pops them in his mouth, runs outside, bites the cat, and races around the house on his tricycle. This repeated a few more times until his mother asks him what in heaven's name he is up to. "I'm playing truck driver, Mom," he explains. "I'm popping pills, eating pussy, and driving like hell." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ In a recent survey on why some men are homosexual, 82 percent of the men surveyed responded that either genetics or home environment was the principal factor. The remaining 18 percent of those that responded revealed that they had been sucked into it. Being a virgin, Bob was very nervous about his upcoming wedding night, so he decided to talk it over with his friend, Fred, who was quite a man about town - a true cocksman. "Relax, Bob," counseled Fred. "You grew up on a farm; so do like the dogs do." After the honeymoon was over and the couple returned to town, the new bride stormed over to her mother's house and announced that she was never going to live with Bob again. "He's totally disgusting," she wailed to her mother. Her mother asked what the problem was, and just what it was he did that was so disgusting. The bride blushed and refused to tell, but finally gave in. "Ma, he doesn't know how to make love. All he does is keep smelling my ass and pissing on the bedpost!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ HUSBAND: Honey, if I died, would you get married again? WIFE: Probably. HUSBAND: Would you kiss this other guy? Would you cook for the guy? WIFE: Probably, honey. HUSBAND: Would you sleep with him? WIFE: Most likely. He would be my husband, you know. HUSBAND: Would he have blond hair like me? WIFE: No, he has black hair. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A Mexican dog, an American dog, a Polish dog and Russian dog all got together for a chat one day. The Mexican dog started complaining: "Since this economic recession, things have been really terrible for me. I used to have a servant bring me meat at set hours. Now I have to bark until the meat comes!" The American dog said, "You still have servants in Mexico?" The Polish dog asked, "What is meat?" The Russian dog, astounded, said, "They allow you to bark?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Two guys are approaching one another while walking down a street. They are both dragging a foot. Man #1 is dragging his left, man #2, the right. As the get closer, man #1 says, "Hey, how you doing?", points at his limping left leg and adds "Vietnam 1968". Man #2 lokked up and replied "Hi, I'm fine, but there is some dog shit about two houses back !" Jay: Did you hear the one about the Polish athelete who was so proud of his gold medal that he had it bronzed? Banacek: No, how does it go? ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A nun goes to the Mother superior to confess her sins. "I think I have sinned. Father O'Reilly came to me in the middle of the night and said that he had St. Peters Key to the Pearly Gates. And then he said that the keyhole was between my legs. So we spent all night putting the key in the lock and taking it out again." "BASTARD!" cried the Mother Superior. "He told me it was Gabriel's trumpet and I have been blowing every Sunday ...." A nun in the bath when there is a knock at the door. "Who is it" "The blind man" So the nun thinks - if he's blind, no problem. "Come in" The man enters and says "Nice tits - where do you want the blinds?" Two men are travelling to work on a train and both doing the same crossword. One eventually, folds up his paper and puts it away triumphantly. The other says, "I finished it all except this one clue - tell me the answer" "Which Clue?" " 'Found in the bottom of a Parrot's cage - 4 letters'; I have the last two letters so its - - I T." "Easy - its 'G R I T' " And a nun in the corner says "Excuse me, but do you have an eraser?" What is the difference between a nun and a nymphomaniac in the bath. - One has a soul full of hope. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A plane is flying over the Atlantic Ocean as the pilot is finishing an announcement on the intercom. Putting the mike down, he hits the Off switch. Unbeknownst to him, the switch is malfunctioning and his conversation is broadcast into the passenger area. "Take over for awhile, Dave," the pilot says to his co-pilot. "I think I'll go take a shit and then bang that new stewardess." At this statement the passengers fly into a frenzy of conversation and gossip. The stewardess is greatly embarassed and can no longer stay at her post, so she hurries toward the cockpit. But in her haste she trips and falls to her knees in the aisle. She happens to land next to a sweet little old lady, who turns to help her up. As she does, the lady says sweetly, "Don't rush, dearie; he said he had to take a shit first." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ This guy with no arms was looking for a job. He saw a church needed someone to ring the bell. So, he went on down to the church, kick on the door, and asked to speak to the preacher. The preacher told him, although he was handicapped, if he could ring the bell, he had the job. They climbed some stairs to the balcony, and then went up this winding spiral stairway up to the bell tower. The guy with no arms looked at the bell and tried to pull the rope with his teeth. It didn't move. He needed the job, so he tried kicking the bell. It moved, but not enough to ring the bell. So he stepped back about ten paces, and ran at the bell, face first. BING, sounded the bell. The preacher told him it was the most unconventional way to ring a bell, but the job was his. Everyday at 6 in the morning, noon, and 6 at night, the guy with no arms would go down to the church, up to the balcony,to the winding spiral staircase up to the bell tower. One day, on his way up the the bell tower, he got dizzy going up the winding spiral staircase. He backed up, ran for the bell, but missed and went flying out of the bell tower, and slammed into the sidewalk down below. A crowd gathered round asking "Who is he!" "Who is he !". A man looks at his the man with no arms and says,"I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Mickey Mouse stood before the judge waiting for the verdict on his divorce case. "Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce. Although you claim she is crazy, the court has found Minnie Mouse to be mentally competent," proclaimed the judge. "But your Honor," he said, "I didn't say Minnie was crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Do you believe in reincarnation? I do. Do you want to know why? It's because I want to become an egg in my next life. That way I'll get laid every morning, get eaten everyday, and get hard in three minutes. A black man died and started walking to heaven. In front of him, the road split. One sign read "Straight to Heaven;" the other said "Straight To Purgatory." He strolled right up the road, "Straight to Heaven," to the Pearly Gates. "Just a minute!" said Saint Peter. "You have to have done something pretty special to go straight to heaven. What have you done?" "I married a white woman on the courthouse steps in Bainbridge, Georgia," the black man proudly replied. "That is pretty special," agreed Saint Peter. "When did you do that?" "Oh, about three minutes ago!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Question: What is the difference between a bull-dyke and a whale ? Answer: 50 pounds and a flannel shirt ! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A nun went to her mother superior to complain about the language the construction workers, who were working next to the convent, were using. Sister Margaret was Polish, so the mother superior was used to breaking things down and making the simplest of explanations to her. "Sister Margaret, don't get so upset by their bad language. Those men are just people of the earth. They call a spade a spade," the mother superior explained patiently. Still agitated, Sister Margaret replied, "Oh no they don't, Mother. They call it a fuckin' shovel!" Former Presidents Jimmy Carter, Richard Nixon, and Jack Kennedy were on a boat sailing around Cape Cod, when all of a sudden the boat springs a leak and water starts pouring in. Jimmy Carter cries, "Women and children first, women and children first!" Nixon scowls and says, "Fuck the women and children." Jack Kennedy says, "Is there time?" First Jew: "Do you like pussy cats?" Second Jew: "Yes, I do, but Pussy Cohen is okay too!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The parish priest couldn't resist the pretty young girl. She was reciting her confession, and it was all too much for him. He told her to come with him to his room. There, he placed his arm around. "Did the young man do this to you?" he asked. "Yes, Father, and worse," the girl replied. "Hmm," said the priest. He kissed her. "Did he do this?", he asked. "Yes, Father, and worse," the girl said. "Did he do this?" he asked, as he lifted her skirt and fingered her pussy. "Yes, Father, and worse." By this time, the priest was thoroughly aroused. He pulled the girl down onto the rug and inserted his penis, breathing heavily as he asked, "Did he manage to do this?" "Yes, Father, and worse," said the girl. When the priest had finished with the girl, he asked, "He did this too, and worse? My dear daughter, what worse could he have done?" "Well," the shy young girl said, "I think, Father, that he's given me gonorrhea." The Mother Superior in the convent school was chatting with her young charges and she asked them what they wanted to be when they grew up. A twelve-year-old said, "I want to be a prostitute." The Mother Superior fainted dead away on the spot. When they revived her, she raised her head from the ground and gasped, "What---did---you---say---?" The young girl shrugged. "I said I want to be a prostitute." "A prostitute!" the Mother Superior said, "Oh, praise sweet Jesus! That's wonderful, dear. And I thought you said you wanted to be a Protestant." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Herbie, why has your schoolwork been so poor lately?" "I'm in love," the boy replied. Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, With whom?" "With you," he said. "But Herbie," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child." "Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ An inexperienced young Polish man, prior to his wedding, asked his father what he should do to his wife on their wedding night. "Well," said the Polish father, not knowing really how to say it delicately, "you take the thing you used to play with more than anything else when you were a teenager and put it where your wife wee-wees." "Really, dad?" the young Polack said. "Believe me, son," his father responded, "you'll love it." So on his wedding night, the young man took his baseball and threw it in the toilet. While baking a cake one day, a Polish mother was asked by her little boy if he could lick the bowl. The mother said, "No, flush it like everyone else does." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Before his daring escape from prison, an infamous black criminal had been photographed from four different angles. The FBI sent copies of the pictures to sheriffs and police chiefs all across the land, with orders to notify Washington the minute an arrest was made. The next day, the Bureau received a teletyped reply from the sheriff of Bainbridge, Georgia. "PICTURES RECEIVED. ALL FOUR NIGGERS SHOT DEAD WHILE RESISTING ARREST." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Three very old women were sitting on a park bench when a flasher came up, pulled his raincoat open and exposed his erect penis to them. The first old woman had a stroke; the second old woman had a stroke; but the third old woman's arms were too short to reach! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ