ŚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ· ³ ŗ ³ H - M A I L 1 4 . T X T ŗ ³ ŗ ŌĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶ¼ Part 14 of the seemingly endless library of humour, jokes, stories, urban legends and similar woes, quotes, taglines and just plain other silliness. (Formatted to 66 lines per page). Title: H-MAIL14.TXT File size: 200,081 bytes Date: 12-10-95 [Standard advert] All H-MAIL?? files are available at ŚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄæ ³ ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ³ ³ ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ³ ³ ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ³ ³ ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ³ ³ ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ³ ³ ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ³ ³ ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ³ ³ The HMVH Corporation ³ ĄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄŁ Bulletin Board System [+27 11] (011) 941-1341 USR V.34/V.fc (24 Hours) ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Microsoft Windows 95 Stuns World Friday August 25 09:31 a.m. EDT Redmond, Wash (AP) - Fans and detractors of the long-awaited Microsoft Windows 95 have been stunned and amazed by the incredible events surrounding the August 24 release. Windows 95 has been hailed by industry giant Pierson Holcombe Pewter as "the most advanced operating system ever produced." But even he could not have predicted yesterday's events. It began when peace was declared in Bosnia. Said Ahmad G'Hui, spokesperson for the Serbs, "Now that [Windows 95] has been released, we just don't see any reason to fight each other. This is an amazing product." Then France announced its intention to stop all testing of nuclear weapons. "We used to think that our national boundaries were of utmost import. To safeguard them, it was necessary to continue testing [nuclear weapons]," said Jacques Fenetre of the French government. "The Microsoft Network (tm) has changed all of that. It's such a small planet!" On the other side of the "small planet", George Bush and Saddam Hussein met face-to-face for the first time. After a tense greeting, they started sharing notes about their experiences as Windows 95 beta-testers. Soon the two lifelong enemies were laughing and chatting like old friends. In a startling display of candor, Hussein said "If I hadn't been so frustrated with the beta, I'd have backed off from Kuwait much sooner." Bush laughed and commiserated with Hussein, saying "Well, Saddam, I *told* you it'd be released eventually, all you had to do was wait. Hey! Let's play some FreeCell!" Oil prices dropped as OPEC transferred their accounting software to the new platform. Loggers in the United States' Pacific Northwest turned their axes in for spades after seeing a Microsoft Video of spotted owls using Windows 95. In an economic shocker, the Peso reversed its downward spiral due to huge Windows 95 sales in Acapulco and Mexico City. On the health front, Hildegard Wicca, a housewife in Boston, MA, reports that Windows 95 has removed her facial warts. "I sat down in front of the computer, pressed 'Start', and felt something odd on my face. When I looked in a mirror, my warts were gone!" Even more amazing is the story of Mark Cense, the Los Alamos man who was reported last week as having an incurable, fatal form of cancer. His doctors were amazed yesterday when, after simply buying Windows 95 at the local Computer Universe store, his cancer went into remission. When asked for a comment on these almost miraculous events, Microsoft's Bill Gates, recently declared to be the richest man in the United States, replied "If you think *this* is good, just wait until you see Windows 97!" Reports that China's release of dissident Harry Wu was contingent on his returning with "as many copies of Windows 95 as he can carry" are unconfirmed at this time. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A really sick man goes to the doctor, who proceeds to run all kinds of tests on him. After getting the lab results back, the doctor invites the man into his office and asks him to have a seat. Patient: Give it to me straight, Doc, I can take it. Doctor: Allright. You have hepatitis, gonorrhea, genital herpes, typhoid, smallpox and AIDS. Patient: Well, what are you going to do about it? Doctor: For starters, we're going to put you on a special diet of pancakes and flounder. Patient: Pancakes and flounder? What will THAT do for me? Doctor: Nothing, but there isn't much else that we can slide under the door. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ This guy walks into a whore house and says "I'm a little short on cash this week. What can I get for 20 bucks?". The lady says you can go behind that door there and have your way with that chicken." They does and comes back next week and says "I'm a little bit short on cash this week again, well a bit worse than last week. What can a get for 15 dollars?". The lady tells him to step through the other door. He does so and sits down next to a fella watching two Lez's getting it on. He turns to the guy and says "What a great deal eh?". They guy replies, "Yes, you should have been here last week, they had a guy getting it on with a chicken!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Could you be Don King? 1. How well do you handle money? A) Grab and hold it in my fists B) Grab and hold a girl's body, it's in my wallet C) Grab and hold it, only the change slips out D) Grab and miss it 2. What whacky hair style do you have? A) Straight, natural color, short. B) Natural color turned grey, short. C) Wavy, dyed green, long. D) Straight (up), nat-turned-grey, pointy on top 3. What things can shut you up? A) Anybody with a gun B) Any chick that wants sex C) TV D) An angry Mike Tyson 4. What are you in charge of? A) My law firm. B) Only the USA C) Ummm...the remote control D) The Hair Club for old freaks 5. What is your motto for your son/daughter when he/she's been in a fight? A) Don't worry son, I'll sue their pants off! B) Don't worry Chelsea, I'll get right on you..uh, it, right after Hillary goes off to work... C) You're a bum. You can't even beat that 200lb 6' 10 year old? Pussy. D) Come on, I'll manage you into a star! But next time, let me know, so I can organize some seats and charge admission... Results: Mostly As -- You are Robert Shapiro or one of them OJ guys. Go away. Mostly Bs -- You are an American President (if you didn't figure it out, or you don't know which American President, see Mostly Cs). How come your brains aren't blown out yet? Mostly Cs -- You are a junkhead. Still mourning for Jerry Garcia? Mostly Ds -- No Don King, you haven't been insulted by me... ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Here's a little ditty... What will Clinton say in his defense of having an affair with Gennifer Flowers? "I had sex, but I didn't cum." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Mary had a little calf of which she was quite proud. & everywhere that Mary went She gathered quite a crowd. She fed the calf with loving care just like a dog or cat & with the portions that it ate it grew up nice & fat. Mary has no calf today But this I will reveal Down in Mary's freezer is a month's supply of veal. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ SOFTWARE LICENCE AGREEMENT * Important: This is important. It cost us a heap of cash to have it written, and you'd better read it, or else. Read it right now too, arsehole, or you'll be sorry. Especially DON'T just rip the flap open without paying any attention to this very important message. We'll know if you do! You'll grow warts. * Licence: This Licence Agreement has capital letters, and is effective upon your removal or breaking of the disclaimer seal on the Program Diskettes, or a fingernail, whichever is earlier. It shall continue until terminated, as indicated by it's placement in a receptacle considered by at least one party to be a waste disposal container. * Agreement: You acknowledge and agree that we have far too many lawyers, and that you will not consider, perform or aid actions that grant any lawyers purpose in their existance. * Licence Fees: The licence fees unpaid by you are in consideration of your continued solvency. But it doesn't matter, because soon we'll know what you have, and just deduct the fees from your bank account. Please run the included easy to use networking software and log onto our server for further details. The first thiry minutes are free. * Copyright: This software is ours, all ours. You just paid hundreds of dollars for the blank diskettes and this excellent paper bag. You agree to think yourself lucky that we'll generously let you make one backup copy, and actually run our precious code on your lousy computer. There are no bugs in this perfect code, so don't pester us with your stupid misunderstandings and pathetic complaints. * Costs of Litigation. These are to be taken as an indication of the extreme folly of all parties' overdependence on legal contrivances. * Government Licencee: Hi Senator. Don't forget who helped you out. Any other problems, just call us. * Language Software: If this is one of our language products (how should we know) then you agree to have our copyright message plastered all through your object code. Don't expect us to tell you how to avoid this. * Additional Restrictions: See all those uniformed thugs over there? Good. So don't get any funny ideas now. You don't want to make us angry, do you? See you next upgrade. * Limited Liability: This software is provided "as is", whatever that is. You understand it's very complicated, far beyond your comprehension, so how should we know what will happen when you use it wrong. There may even be some risk involved, but that's your problem. Why, even we have trouble with it on bad days. * Governing Law: This License Agreement shall be construed and governed in accordance with the laws of the State of Inebriation. You have won $10,000,000 (Some conditions apply). ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ COME-ON LINES: - Hi, do you mind if I pitch a tent for you? - Can you give me mouth to mouth, you just took my breath away. - My shades and pants are just pointed at you. - If you want the job, I'll give it to you but I'll have to layoff my hand. - Your lips look as red and as hot as Venus... - I must be having a dream, because I can see a piece of heaven on earth... - Could you lie on the floor, my eyes are having trouble looking at your face and body at the same time... World's worst game: Monopoly. Let's see. You waste 4 hours doing nothing but running around a stupid board. You lie, you cheat, you beg, you steal. You lose all the friends that you were playing with. You show no mercy, your friends hate you. You show mercy, your friends will eat you alive. At the end of the game, everybody thinks everybody else is a tight-fisted low-life worthless money-grubbing dirtbag...:) ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day. No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth. Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you -- or holding you in his arms. Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown -- if they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!) In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds! The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts. An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer! A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts. In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job -- for men only -- called a corset inspector.) However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male." It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate. Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing. Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term. In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in. A Florida sex law: If you're a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can't parachute on Sunday afternoons. Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio, a man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!" No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Eddie, a construction worker, came home early one day as it was raining too hard to work. As he walked into his apartment, he noticed the shades drawn and, when his eyes got used to the dim light, saw his best friend, Jim, lying on the couch naked. Looking in the bedroom, Eddie saw his wife in the well-messed up bed - also naked. Eddie put two and two together and quickly came to the conclusion Jim and his missus had something going. Without waking either of the two lovebirds, he walked back down the four flights of stairs. Jim woke up a few minutes later with this pain in his chest. When he was fully awake, he saw there was a manhole cover resting on his chest. He grabbed the cast iron weight, walked to the open window and heaved the manhole cover out. Just as he let go of the object, he saw a note tied to the manhole cover that said "You now have two seconds to undo the wire from your balls". ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ It's August, and two new consumer products are becoming generally available for the first time this month: * Windows 95 - the new operating system from Microsoft * Tagamet - the (formerly prescription) heartburn & ulcer drug Is this timing only a coincidence? You decide... ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Disadvantages of a computer: (would be a lot funnier if they weren't all so true) 1: Kitty-cat now has several new cords to play with. 2: Each new piece of hardware or software somehow interferes with EVERY other currently setup hardware or software - forcing you to spend days on that "will take 1/2 hour to install" upgrade. 3: This fabulous new program that you just bought takes up 20Meg of hard-drive space. The product is always packaged on 360K floppy disks, uncompressed - all 60 of them!! 4: Disk #59 of the above -always- has a problem and aborts the entire installation process.... 5: You learn how unreliable the electric company really is just before you save your 15-page document. 6: You've found you have purchased something that takes more of your money than the grocery bills.... 7: ....this is offset by the fact you spend all of your time in the "computer room" now - so you never eat anymore anyway. 8: The most exercise you get anymore is flipping through the new computer catalog or for a visit the local software outlets. 9: The electric company starts sending you 'awards' for making the "top 10 fastest moving meter needles" list.... 10: ...the phone company does also soon after you buy a modem. 11: A month after buying that new "state of the art" system, you see an advertizement for one that costs less and does more! 12: That "state of the art" system can't balance your checking account to agree with the bank's statement. 13: You begin to wonder why you didn't just buy a Nintendo like all of the other people in the neighborhood.... 14: All that happens when you drop-kick the computer across the room in disgust is you hurt your foot. You wind up in the hospital where you don't have access to the system and for about three hours (only) you are happy about it.... 15: The people at work avoid you and you hear rumors about, "that person who 'points and clicks the mouse'". 16: The few people at work who -don't- avoid you, consider you to be a "computer genius" and want you to advise them how to solve all of their computers problems and/or go to their house and do it for FREE. 17: You realize that all of the computer programmers have rigged the games which you've bought to always let the COMPUTER win. 18: Your spouse, kids, pets, etc -ALWAYS- know right where to find you if they need you..... 19: ...so you end up buying a Nintendo anyway, to give THEM some- thing to do so they will leave you alone! 20: Before long, you find your spouse, kids, pets, etc have now abandoned the Nintendo and have taken over the computer. You no longer get to be in the "computer room", but have decided it's not so bad playing Nintendo! The only bad part is when the spouse, kids, pets, etc. get tired of the computer (in about a week), you'll lose the use of the Nintendo and have to go back to using the computer! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ I was working for a major college in our area and we had a real neophyte end user that was constantly having problems with her PS/2. I went over to find out what was wrong. I wanted to find out what program she was running. I asked what software she was using and she replied: "Software, oh, we don't use software". Needless to say I was totally amazed, I guess her computer is telepathic. "Computer assistant; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C:\> prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" [sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] "Yes, I think so." "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." "Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." [rustle rustle] [muffled] "Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." [still muffled] "I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark in here." "Dark?" "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?" "Because there's a power outage." "A p-!" [ARGH!] ... (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et gun and blow away computer? I tried sending email to 1.404.123.4567 but the emailer wouldn't let me." That's a telephone number! This lady bought a computer from us, about a month later, she came in and asked us to install a soundcard which can support CD- ROM drives. So we installed a SB PRO for her... Then about a week later, she brings the machine in, and starts ragging us out because her CD-ROM isn't working, and "It wont eject the disk" I look at the computer... "But you don't have a CD-ROM drive!?" she points at the 5 1/4" disk drive and says "What kind of computer salesman are. you? Can't even recognize a damn CD-ROM drive when you see one?" Seems she had decided her 5 1/4" floppy drive was in fact a CD- ROM, and since the CD fit in quite nicely, it HAD to be a CD-ROM. She figured we messed up her sales order, so she wanted us to install the soundcard so she could use her "CD-ROM" Long and short of it... The drive was destroyed, the CD was destroyed... And all the technicians were laughing for a few hours... I am a software installer for a large healthcare information systems company that produces products for the AS/400. On a recent install, shortly after going live with the product, I needed to copy a new file to the live environment. In order to do this I needed to have all the users off the system. Rather than just shutting it down, I sent a message to all the terminals that read "Please sign off by 17.15. If you do not sign off voluntarily, your job will be terminated. Thanks." I sent the message and about five minutes later, I received a call from the most irate ICU nurse I have ever talked to. She demanded to know who I was and who I worked for. I explained to her that I was employed by the hospital to install their new system. She basically ranted and raved for a couple of minutes and told me that my message was the most obnoxious and rude message she had ever read. She then hung up on me. I asked two of my colleagues to read the message and both of them thought I was quite polite. After all, I did say "please" and "thank you." I had the system down for about an hour and then brought it back up. I called the emergency room to make sure that the fix I had put in was working. The nurse informed me that it had but then asked me if she were going to be fired. "Excuse me", I said. She asked again, "Am I going to be fired?" I told her I didn't know what she was talking about and then she told me that she wasn't the only one worried. She then explained she had been on the system when it was taken down and she thought that meant losing her job! I couldn't believe it! I explained to her that the term "job" was a computer term meaning the program you were currently in. It suddenly dawned on me why the ICU nurse had been so rude and why, I found out later, the nursing supervisor and the head of Information Systems had been beeped! I send out a message over the system apologizing. The next morning, I ran into the CEO and CFO of the hospital who thought the whole thing was hilarious and took to calling me the Terminator. They told me that anyone that stupid, deserved to be fired. We have a service contract at a local college. I got a call one day from someone who said that their Mac IIsi was having a problem. Upon questioning him, he said that whenever he typed on the keyboard, the image on the monitor was shaking. All sorts of monitor problems ran through my mind. I asked him if it was only when he typed and he replied yes. Well, since it was a contract, I figured we'd better go see what was happening. My tech called me about 10 minutes after arriving and reported that the problem was not the computer, but his DESK. The desk was vibrating when he typed on his keyboard. I am still shaking my head on this one, I can't believe any person on the face of the earth could miss that one. The sad thing is that this guy has Dr. in front of his name and is a professor at a major college. ... (A)bort, (R)etry, (I)gnore, (P)lan a Funeral Service? A customer called in at MicroSystems Warehouse and said he needed to speak to a tech immediately. I asked him what the problem was and that I might be able to help. He says, "Are the SIMM slots located in the back of the computer?" I asked him if he needed help installing the chips. He says, "No. I installed them and the computer just isn't recognizing them." I said to him, "Where did you install the chips?" He says, "I removed my sound card and put them in there." SuperMac records a certain number of technical support calls at random, to keep tabs on customer satisfaction. By wild "luck", they managed to catch the following conversation on tape. Some poor SuperMac TechSport got a call from some middle level official...from the legitimate government of Trinidad. The fellow spoke very good English, and fairly calmly described the problem. It seemed there was a coup attempt in progress at that moment. However, the national armoury for that city was kept in the same building as the Legislature, and it seems that there was a combination lock on the door to the armoury. Of the people in the capitol city that day, only the Chief of the Capitol Guard and the Chief Armourer knew the combination to the lock, and they had already been killed. So, this officer of the government of Trinidad continued, the problem is this. The combination to the lock is stored in a file on the Macintosh, but the file has been encrypted with the SuperMac product called Sentinel. Was there any chance, he asked, that there was a "back door" to the application, so they could get the combination, open the armoury door, and defend the Capitol Building and the legitimately elected government of Trinidad against the insurgents? All the while he is asking this in a very calm voice, there is the sound of gunfire in the background. The Technical Support guy put the person on hold. A phone call to the phone company verified that the origin of the call was in fact Trinidad. Meanwhile, there was this mad scramble to see if anybody knew of any "back doors" in the Sentinel program. As it turned out, Sentinel uses DES to encrypt the files, and there was no known back door. The Tech Support fellow told the customer that aside from trying to guess the password, there was no way through Sentinel, and that they'd be better off trying to physically destroy the lock. The official was very polite, thanked him for the effort, and hung up. That night, the legitimate government of Trinidad fell. One of the BBC reporters mentioned that the casualties seemed heaviest in the capitol, where for some reason, there seemed to be little return fire from the government forces. O.K., so they shouldn't have kept the combination in so precarious a fashion. But it does place, "I can't see my Microsoft Mail server" complaints in a different sort of perspective, does it not? I work at the computer store on a campus. A few weeks ago, we had a customer call in and ask the following: "I'd like to buy the Internet. Do you know how much it is?" ... A few months ago a lady started to call our Tech support department over and over again. She couldn't get a DXF file to import into our 3d program. After exhausting the Tech Support pool, I was asked to see if I could help this lady. I promptly asked her to send me the file that she wanted to bring into our 3d program. After receiving the file I look at it and found that it was a 2d DXF file. I called this woman to inform her that she could not import a 2d file. She responded by screaming that she wanted her money back if our program couldn't automatically make a 3d object out of here 2d CAD drawings. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ TELL IT MY WAY Screen play by Shannon Falkner Produced by Tonya Harting Directed by Laurainne Bob-it. This film does not have to be seen to be disbelieved. The above women also play parts in the film; Shannon plays her own part, as the film takes place in the military school of which she is well out. Tonya is one of the other students, and quite actively supportive of Shannon. Laurainne is a D.I. with a story of her own with some eunique responses to the notorious Tailgate convention. I will not take the time here to chronicle the film, but will mention some outstanding scenes. Shannon is quite miffed at the degrading demand to cut her hair as a prerequisite to attending the school. "snip snip" go the barber's sheers; "swing swing" goes Tonya's silver hammer as she capps down the on-lookers between herself Laurainne, and the tormented Shannon; "Snip plop" goes the barber's ____. Did I mention that the janitor's name is Jeffrey? "skoop chomp" No one slept during Hell Week! Two other celeberities had parts. In an effort to rid the campus of the reason- challenged students and faculty Michael Jackson teamed up with Susan ???. He druged them and ... Then he and Susan loaded them all into a large bus which they allowed to drive it'self into a very deep lake. Susan then went for help saying "I think it was a black man". The stoplight was played by Forest Gump; "stupid" was RED, and "chocklate" was GREEN. Maybe others here will refresh our memories of other scenes. Film sponsored by: Slice, The Perfect Look, and ... don't miss OJ's camio appearance as that lovable D.I. in that (you remember it) touchy-feely soup commercial. Price of Admission: Womyn Free Men one to two inches. Review brought to you by the feminatz`es ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ * Tag-X Pro v1.30 * "(A)xxxx (R)etry (F)ail (I)gnore"- White House Computer ... A bad day BBSing is better than any good day working. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ COMMERCIAL BREAK 1. A supermarket shows lots and lots of vegetables being splashed with water - accelerating the rate that the food will rot at. 2. Some twit wrestler wearing green and yellow war paint shouts about softdrinks that only Ernest would love, Vern. 3. The Bic Macroscreen Dischargeable Razor. Shaves as close as a blade, or I'll give you your stubble back. 4. And the Lady Bic, the perfect gift. Shaves without a Borg. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ How many ... does it take to change a light bulb? Poets? Three: One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle ..... ....... and one to change the bulb. Polacks? Three: One to hold the bulb, and two to turn the first man. Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to turn the ladder. 6,807: One to hold the bulb, the rest to turn the house. One, but you need 6000 Russian guards in case he goes on strike. Policemen? None: It turns itself in. Politicians? 1,000,000,001: One to change the bulb, the rest to rebuild the civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again. Pollsters? None: They work in the dark. Poor Richard's Almanac editors? Many hands make light work. Pre-med Students? Five: One to change the bulb, and four to pull the ladder from under him. Presidential candidates? Less and less all the time. Procrastinators? One, but he has to wait until the light is better. Professors? One, but he gets three technical reports out of it. Programmers? "That's a hardware problem." Pro-Lifers? Six: Two to screw in the new light bulb, and four to testify that it was lit from the moment that they began screwing. Psychiatrists? One, but the bulb has got to really want to change. None: The bulb will change itself when it is ready. Psychoanalysts? "How many do you think it takes?" Punk rockers? Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead. Seven: One to get on the chair and six to get on the guest list. Pygmies? At least three. (Think height) Real Men? None: Real men aren't afraid of the dark. None of your damn business! Real Women? None: A real woman has plenty of real men around to do the job. Referral agents? Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulb weeks ago. Republicans? Four: One to change the bulb, and three to talk about how much brighter the old one was. Roadies? One, two, three, testing ..... Roman Catholics? Two: One to screw it in, one to repent. Romanians? 60,000 dead and 300,000 injured. None: Ceaucescu restricted them to use only one 40 watt bulb per family to save electricity. Romulans? 151: One to screw it in, and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace. (Warning: do not tell this one to a Romulan unless you are ready for a fight. They consider it a disgrace) Running-dog lackeys of the Bourgeoisie? Two: One to exploit the proletariat, one to control the means of production. Russian Leaders? Nobody knows. They don't last long enough to change the bulb. Security guards at a Grateful Dead concert? 21: One to change the bulb, the rest to fatally beat the Deadhead who was only there to look at the light. Sexists? None: Their girls will do it for them. Sex therapists? Two: One to screw it in and one to tell him he's screwing it in the wrong way. Singers? "Impossible. The altitude may put unnecessary strain on my vocal chords. Have the bassist do it." Sound men? "Hey man, I just do sound." One: Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band. Straight San Franciscans? Both of them. Strong Polacks? 115: One to hold the bulb and the rest to turn the house. Software Engineers? None: That's a hardware problem. None: "We'll document it as a feature." One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably collapse. Two: One will always leave in the middle of the project. Sorority Sisters? 51: One to change the bulb, 50 to sing about it being changed. The entire chapter: One to change it, and the rest to stand around, and clap and sing about it. Sound men? One, but instead of using a new bulb (which he doesn't have), he opens up the old bulb, uses a bit of scavenged wire and duct tape to reattach the filament, replaces the screw in connector with an audio jack, strings a cable up through the rafters and reinstalls the whole thing fifty feet away where the band decides it's much better. Stock brokers? Two: One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try to sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out). Strong s? 115: One to hold the bulb, the rest to turn the house. Supply-siders? None: The darkness will cause the bulb to change by itself. Surrealists? Fish. Ten. Three to hold the giraffe, and seven to shovel the pacific into the bathtub. Synth players? Only one, but if you wait until next month, Yamaha will have a new model bulb out which is much better. None: I've got a candle that looks just like it. Teachers? One if at home, but on school time, four. Teamsters? Twelve. Ya got a problem with that? Technical writers? None: It should be obvious to an intelligent user. One, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it. Televangelists? None: They screw in hotel rooms. Telkom workers? None, they haven't got spares, and the ones they can find turn out to be blown as well. Thomas Edisons? None: He doesn't change them, he makes them. Thought police? None: There never was a light bulb. Tourists? Six: One to hold the bulb and five to ask for directions. TV Comedians? Two: One to screw it in, one to say "Sock it to me." (Note: the line is from "Laugh In" [it's also a bad pun]) UNIX gurus? One, but first he has to determine the correct path. UNIX Hackers? As many as you want - they're all virtual anyway. Ukranians? They don't need to, they glow in the dark. US Marines? 50: one to screw it in, 49 to guard him. Valley Girls? OOoh, like manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure! Vulcans? Approximately 1.0000000000000000000000000000000000000001. Waiters? None: Even a burned out bulb can't get the waiter's attention. WASP's (White Anglo-Saxon Protestants) ? Two: One to call the electrician, and one to mix martinis. Californian WASP's don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs. WASP princesses? Two: One to get a Tab(tm) and one to call Dad. Zen Masters? A tree in a golden forest. Two: One to change it, and one not to change it. One to change it and one not to change it is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is four. One to change it. None: They carry their own light. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Once there was this city boy who wanted to go and live off the land, so he headed out to a farm to buy some animals. "I'll take one of these," he said to the farmer. What is it?" "Well to me it's a cock but to you it's a chicken," replied the farmer. "Okay," said the city boy. "And i'll take one of these too if you'll tell me what it is." "To me it's an ass but to you it's a mule," explained the farmer, "and when that ass gets stubborn, it sits down and you have to scratch its belly to get it moving again." So the city boy set off down the road with all his new purchases. He was doin' pretty fine till a pretty girl drove by, at which point the ass sat down and refused to budge. Seeing he was having some trouble, the girl backed up and asked if there was anything she could do to help. "Actually yes," said the city boy. "Will you please hold my cock while I scratch my ass?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A man goes into his doctor and says in a high squeeky voice "Doctor help me I can't stand my voice to be this high, no one will talk to me, no one will date me, and I can't find a job." The doctor examines him and finds out he has a three foot long penis. So he tells the patient in a deep baritone voice: "your penis is putting a strain on your internal organs, including you vocal cords. To fix your voice we will have to remove some of you penis." A few weeks after the operation, the man comes back to thank the doctor. In a deep baritone voice he says "Doctor I can't thank you enough, since you removed two feet of my penis I have made many friends, began dating, and have an incredible job...By the way, what did you do with the stuff you removed?" The doctor answers in a very high squeeky voice "We threw it away of course, absolutely worthless". ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS: Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species. Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards. The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think. Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers. The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now. To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in. The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation. A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat. The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours. The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs. To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium. To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them. Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about. Geometry teaches us to bisex angles. A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects. The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull. An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat. We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks. English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse. By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep. If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence. Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire. Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident. A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold. A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle. Blood flows down one leg and up the other. A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter. The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul. When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier. It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind. Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions. For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth. For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it. For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body. For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat. For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock. For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead. Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative. Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles. When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime. When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide. ... It's selfperpetuatingaparahumanoidarianised! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ On the twelfth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me: Twelve blown-out circuits, Eleven damaged diskettes, Ten disk-drive lockouts, Nine burnt-out fuses, Eight worthless printouts, Seven system resets, Six I/O spasms, Five blank cassettes, Four garbled SAVEs, Three loose plugs, Two keyboard bounces, And a glitch on the video screen. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A guy picks up a prostitute and he's on top taking it nice and slow when she says "Blimey, you're taking your time" He says"Yeh, I know. I haven't had a bird for 12 months" She says " Where've you been? In the Nick?" "No" he says " I 've been in the VD clinic" "Ooh" she says " What's the grub like, cause I'm going in tomorrow" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ I found the following report, from a ship's master, printed in the August 1987 edition of 'The Log' journal - it's exact history is unclear but I think you might find it amusing. It is with regret and haste that I write this letter to you, regret that such a small misunderstanding could lead to the following circumstances, and haste in order that you will get this report before you form your own pre-conceived opinions from reports in the world press, for I am sure that they will tend to overdramatise the affair. We had just picked up the pilot and the apprentice had returned from changing the 'G' flag for the 'H' and, it being his first trip, was having difficulty rolling the 'G' flag up, I therefore proceeded to show him how. Coming to the last part, I told him to 'let go', the lad although willing is not too bright, necessitating my having to repeat the order in a sharper tone. At this moment the chief officer appeared from the chart room, having been plotting the vessel's progress and, thinking that it was the anchors that were being referred to, repeated the 'let go' to the third officer on the fo'cstle. The port anchor having been cleared away but not walked out, was promptly let go. The effect of letting the anchor drop from the 'pipe' while the vessel was proceeding at full harbour speed proved too much for the windlass brake, and the entire length of the port cable was pulled out 'by the roots'. I fear that the damage to the chain locker may be extensive. The braking effect of the port anchor naturally caused the vessel to sheer in that direction, right towards the swing bridge that spans the tributary to the river up which we were proceeding. The swing bridge operator showed great presence of mind by opening the bridge for my vessel. Unfortunately, he did not think to stop vehicular traffic, the result being that the bridge partly opened and deposited a volkswagen, two cyclists, and a cattle truck on the foredeck. My ship's company are at present rounding up the contents of the latter, which from the noise I would say were pigs. In his efforts to stop the progress of the vessel, the third officer dropped the starboard anchor, too late to be of prcatical use, for it fell on the swing bridge operator's control cabin. After the port anchor was let go and the vessel started to sheer, I gave a double ring full astern on the engine room telegraph and personally rang the engine room to order maximum astern revolutions. I was informed that the sea temperature was 53 degs and asked if there was a film tonight. My reply would not add constructively to this report. Up to now I have confined my report to the activities at the forward end of the vessel. Down aft they were having their own problems. At the moment the port anchor was let go, the second officer was supervising the making fast of the after tug and was lowering the ship's towing spring down onto the tug. The sudden braking effect on the port anchor caused the tug to run in under the stern of my vessel just at the moment when the propellers was answering my double ring full astern. The prompt action of the second officer in securing the inboard end of the towing spring delayed the sinking of the tug by some minutes, and thereby the safe abandoning of that vessel. It is strange but at the very same moment of letting go the port anchor there was a power cut ashore. The fact that we were passing over a cable area at that time might suggest we may have touched something on the river bed. It is perhaps lucky that the high tension cables brought down be the foremast were not live, possibly being replaced by the underwater cable, but owing to the shore blackout, it is impossible to say where the pylon fell. It never fails to amaze me the actions and behaviour of foreigners during moments of minor crisis. The pilot for instance is at this moment huddled in the corner of my day cabin alternately crooning to himself and crying after having consumed a bottle of gin in a time that is worthy of inclusion in the Guinness Book of Records. The tug captain on the other hand reacted violently and had to be forcibly restrained by the steward, who has him handcuffed in the ship's hospital, where he is telling me to do impossible things with my ship and my crew. I enclose the names and addresses of the drivers and insurance companies of the vehicles on my foredeck, which the third officer collected after his somewhat hurried evacuation of the fo'cstle. These particulars will enable us to claim for the damage that they did to the railing of the no. one hold. I am enclosing this preliminary report for I am finding it difficult to concentrate with the sound of police sirens and their flashing lights. It is sad to think that had the apprentice realised that there is no need to fly pilot flags after dark, none of this would have happened. For weekly accountability report I will assign the following casualty numbers T/750101 to T750119 inclusive. Yours truly Master ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A GUIDE TO PROPER ETIQUETTE IN THE MEN'S RESTROOM Ever since man crawled out of the primordial ooze, he has built himself structures to contain the processes of bodily waste removal. These have been known as "restrooms," "bathrooms," "outhouses," "commodes," "men's rooms," and several other names. As with any exclusive organization, wholy half the human race aren't allowed through the door, and a number of exceedingly complicated customs have arisen to maintain a sense of order and dignity. General rules: 1. Don't talk to somebody you don't know. You may chat quietly with an acquaintance, but must absolutely not call attention to yourself. 2. A quick glance in the mirror is permissable, but absolutely don't spend a significant time arranging hair, clothing, etc. Zit popping is only permissable after checking to see nobody else is around. 3. No profanity of any kind. This is reserved for locker rooms, only. 4. If you must wait, form a single-file line, ragged, and be sure to keep looking around. Read grafitti. Grafitti rules: 5. All grafitti is anonymous. If there's any chance somebody can trace your grafitti back to you, don't do it. 6. Writing grafitti in the open section of the bathroom is only acceptable if nobody can see you. Writing in the stalls is similarly acceptable. 7. If the bathroom is sufficiently public, feel free to insult different ethnic/racial/sexual groups. If the bathroom is used by a small few, restraint comments to amusing anecdotes or chit-chat about secretaries. If visiting dignitaries from other companies or the government may tend to use the bathroom, grafitti is forbidden. 8. Traditionally, all pictures feature women in various states of undress. Modern standards often include portions of male anatomy, discretely placed. Homosexual grafitti is generally frowned upon but is gaining popularity. 9. Pictures must only be drawn in toilet stalls. 10. Any sufficiently interesting graffiti will be painted over by the management of the bathroom. Urinal rules: 11. Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you must choose one on the outside. When one outside urinal is occupied, use the other side, then middle. Avoid standing directly next to somebody at all costs. For example, given seven urinals, here are acceptable configurations: X...... (X == occupied, . == empty) X.....X X..X..X X.X.X.X XXX.X.X <--- These are only acceptable when significant XXX.XXX <--- "privacy" dividers are available. If the XXXXXXX <--- urinals aren't divided, use a toilet. 12. Always look at the wall. Looking down means you're obsessed or don't know what you're doing. Looking at other people is threatening. 13. Flushing is optional. Over time, the water will become a rich orange. At this point, flushing is mandatory. 14. Don't start unzipping until you're protected by the privacy of the urinal. Don't step back until you've closed your pants again. Toilet rules: 15. Reduce noise at all costs. Grunting is not acceptable. 16. Always flush. 17. When you find an unflushed toilet, leave it alone and use another. Special cases: 18. Some university dormitories have co-ed bathrooms. New rules apply for dealing with the females. a. Never, ever, comment on how they look in the morning. b. Don't ask what the little wastebasket is for. c. If urinals are present, only use them when absolutely no females are around. If you are noticed by a female, try your best to ignore her presense until you're dressed again. 19. Port-O-Let's and similar constructions are evil. Use them only if absolutely no other option is available. 20. In the woods, far from civilization, restrooms typically aren't available. Get behind sufficient growth that you are completely invisible to the remainder of your party, before you begin. Check carefully that you aren't near any sort of animal or insect den. Ants are especially bad. If you forgot toilet paper, bring a leaf identifying guide. Poison oak makes a poor substitute. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A while back, one of our users started a discussion about all the different types of users that show up on a BBS. This inspired us to challange everyone on The Stargate BBS to make up a Garbage Pail Kid type name and a short summery of the Kid's character. If you are under the age of 20, or have school aged kids at home, you know what we are talking about....if you fall between the carcks, Garbage Pail Kids are tasteless little cards that can be collected that feature unfortunates such as Acne Andy. Well, Stargate never pretended to be a tasteful board and therefore we are proud to present our collection of.... Modem Pail Kids Anxious Albert- This user leaves a message to a fellow user on the BBS. Trouble is, he's so anxious to see if he received a response, he calls back ever 15 minutes to check, thus preventing his buddy (or anyone else) from logging on and answering him. Baud-Rate Bert- This user trys to call a 300 baud BBS at 1200 baud and waits for the SysOp to pick up the phone after it rings....then he HANGS UP! Buffer Bob- This user leaves his buffer open constantly in case something important comes ome the screen. Of course when somthing important does appear, they belatedly realize that the buffer filled up a long time ago. BBS Bill- This is a SysOp who logs onto a BBS for the sole purpose of advertising his own BBS. Big-Brother Brent- This SysOp gets his kicks by watching users quietly while they go about their business on the board. Suddenly, while the user least expects it, he suddenly makes his presence known, and scares the user to death. Blank Betty- A user who leaves a message like this: ................................................and then wonders why she never gets any responses. Cautious Charlie- To keep his password secure, this user changes his password frequently. Unfortunatly, he has a hard time logging on and doing anything because he can never remember what his current password is supposed to be. Chatting Carl- This user insists on trying to chat, even when a message announces that the SysOp isn't around. Chatty Patty- This user calls the SysOp to chat just to see if he is a Big Brother Brent and has been watching her session. Cheap Curtis- This user looks through every computer magazine to find the cheapest price for his hardware. He eventually finds out that when it arrives, it needs so many additional parts that by the time he gets it all together, he's spent far more than he would of if he had bought it retail in the first place. Depressed Dan- This user has spent $150 calling long distance to an out of state BBS to download a program he has been searching everywhere for. Thoughts of suicide arise, when upon trying the program, he finds that it doesn't work at all. Depressed Dan Jr.- Follows in his fathers footsteps, but gets upset when he spends 90 minutes uploading a complicated file, and the SysOp wipes it. These people are always considered to have suicidal tendencies. Dippy David- This user logs on but doesn't bother to learn the system or read any directions and subsequently leaves a lot of /s and .s at the end of his messages. Downloading Derek- One of those users who keep downloading files from a board that doesn't support his computer because he wants the file to work so bad. Download Darren- The user who seems to only no one key on a board: D for download! Eggbert Excuse- This user spends plenty of time explaining why he never leaves any messages on the board, but explainations are the only things he ever manages to leave. Feedback Freddy- A user who leaves several rambling messages in feedback on different subjects and wonders why the SysOp never answers him. Frantic Fred- A user who constantly checks his time left on the board so he won't be suddenly logged off, but never stays more than 5 minutes at a time anyway. Fryin' Brian- This user is so impatient to get his computer, modem or whatever hooked up so that he can being to use it that he doesn't bother reading the directions cause it takes up too much time. Of course they end up shorting out everything with a resultant 2-6 wait to get whatever they fried fixed. Game Freak Gus- This user doesn't do anything but dial BBSs to get games, and has no use at all for boards like TFC. Gullible Gilligan- A user that buys a $8000 dollar computer only to find that the company that makes the software for it went out of business 6 months ago. Hacker Harry- A hacker who breaks into places like a library computer system and acts like its the greatest accomplishment in the world. HotKey Harold- A user who sets the board on hotkey. Then types a head of himself filling up the buffer on the board and then promptly forgets where he is going and what to do when he gets there. Idiot Irv- A user who posts the same message twice because they wanna be sure that everyone has seen it. Late-Night Lenny- A user who likes to call boards very late (yawn) at night, starts to download somthing and then decides that they are too tired to wait and just hangs up leaving the board tied up the rest of the night. These people usually use 250 baud or less. Log Off Larry- A user who thinks logging off a BBS means to hang up whenever they have had enough. Many Board Mike- A users who is a member of so many boards that he leaves a message to a user on a local board who in actual fact uses a board in Florida. Mess-Up Morris- A user who maks manis mestaks whil typying mussages und blams it on littl creatchers sucking data out of fone linez. Message Manny- A (sometimes) new user who calls a BBS and leaves pitiful messages begging people to leave him mail. Never Call Norman- A user who calls a BBS just often enough to discover that he's been deleted for lack of participation. New User Ned- Someone that doesn't know anything about running a BBS yet tries to start one of his own. Most of the time he runs it with one floppy disk and calls it the best board around. Nonsense Nick- A user who writes tons of long complicated messages that no one can figure out. Novice Nancy- This user selects expert mode and then always lists the menu anyway. Once-in-a-While Willy- This user calls a bit more often than Never Call Norman, but only calls to make sure he is still listed on the user log. Pain-in-the-Ass Pete- This user reads the messages on the board and takes the Devil's Advocate side to whatever is current on the board, being generally obnoxious and boring. Paranoid Polly- This SysOp wants a copy of your birth certificate and driver's license before she will let you on the board. Paul Promise- The one who leaves messages everywhere about his intentions about putting up a MAJOR BBS, then never gets around to it because his parents never bought him a modem for Christmas. Password Pete- The user who changes his password every time he logs onto a board because he is afraid that his little brother will use it to log on and ruin his reputation so he'll never be accepted on another board for the rest of his life. Perfect Paul- this user insists on leaving messages without any mistakes at all, and when he does happen to make one, he just aborts it rather than bother with the editor. Phantom Phred- A user who calls every day, but never posts anything. Phoney Phil- Not a real name, just a handle of a user trying to increase his daily time allotment on a BBS by calling back as different users. He often wonders why no one else calls the board except him. Phreaking Phreddie- This modem hacker who breaks into a banks computer system... and then wonders why the FBI is concerned. Purging Paul- When asked by the system is he wishes to delete or kill a message after he's read it, this user is quick to answer YES, only to get a sinking feeling moments later that the message contained important information that he thought he had memorized, but hadn't. RBBS Rob- A person who logs onto a board and goes to expert mode right away using RBBS commands, even on non RBBSs. He often leaves mail to the SysOp complaining that the commands don't seem to be working. Re-register Ralph- Like Never Call Norman, this user registers on a BBS, but after a while is deleted because he never calls back. Then he finally gets around to calling the board, finds he's been deleted, and re-registers on the board, and once again drops out of sight. Responding Ronald- This idiot posts responses to messages he saw on another board. RETURNing Randy- This user constantly hits RETURN while the board is loading a program and wthen wonders why they keep seeing COMMAND? COMMAND? COMMAND? Screamin' Sam- THIS USER NEVER USES LOWER CASE SO IT ALWAYS SEEMS HE'S SHOUTING AT YOU. Sleeping Sam- After using a batch download this user falls asleep at the switch to wake up the next morning with the keys to his computer firmly imbedded in his forehead and a slightly annoyed Sysop wondering why his board was tied up for over a hour while the user inspected one menu. Slowpoke Sally- This user types so slowly that the board gets no input long enough to trigger the time out option and logs the user off. SysOp Stan- This guy is in LOVE with new BBS programs, and constantly trys out new ones on his unsuspecting users. However he never bothers to transfer the user log or passwords which means that by the time you have re-registered and have waited the 24 hour hold, he has already taken it down and put yet another one up in its place Testing-the-waters Ted- Lonesome for some company, this user presses the chat page cautiously, cause he doesn't want to bother the SysOp if he's busy...when the SysOp answers he then claims that "I hit the chat by accident." Depending on how the SysOp responds, the user then has a nice chat, or if he Is busy, the user has a valid excuse for paging the SysOp in the first place. Time Bomb Tom- A user that stays on line for half an hour going from menu to menu, but not doing anything....when he finally gets up the courage to actually do somthing, he manages to mess up the board. Uploading Oscar- This user keeps uploading the same file over and over using different names in order to take advantage of the 3 for 1 time ratio and get enough time to download the 1500 block program he's been hoping to get. Voice Synthesizer Victor- This user will go to ANY lengths to hear his computer talk, even though you can't understand a word it says. Whoops Wilbur- This person logs onto Stargate BBS, writes a wonderful message full of wit and wisdom, hits a to abort the message, and then logs off the BBS without ever Posting the little gem...sending it to the same place where the socks in the dryer go, never to be seen again. William Writers-Block- This users sees "Use for new paragraph and left justify ONLY, "/*" to end.".....and every word of English he ever learned leaves his head. Worn Out Wally- This user calls so many boards that the letters on his keyboard disappear from excessive wear. Wondering Wally- What Worn Out Wally turns into after the letters on the keys are gone. The blankness usually comes to them after they "wake up" from their state of computer hypnosis, caused by not being able to type. They then start to wonder what happened to the keys. Words Waldo- No matter how long the message was that was left him, this users manages to reply in only one word sentences. Xmodem Xavier- This is the user who has Zmodem or Y-modem Batch and will download one file at a time using Xmodem- checksum One more to add: Textfile Tex: A sysop who encourages text files like this to be put together by users on his bbs. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher: "How much for Engineer brain?" "3 dollars an ounce." "How much for brain?" "4 dollars an ounce." "How much for lawyer brain?" "100 dollars an ounce." "Why is lawyer brain so much more?" "Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?" ----- Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrent for that dirty lawyer of mine." "Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your aquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?" "Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole." ----- "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness. ----- A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendent, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendent was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?" The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!" ------ A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer''." "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer. "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it and exclaim, "That's Strange!" ----- A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office]. Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center. When a programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up. That behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and never when standing. Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing? Good debuggers, though, know that there has to be a reason. Electrical theories are the easiest to hypothesize: was there a loose wire under the carpet, or problems with static electricity? But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible. An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard: the tops of two keys were switched. When the programmer was seated he was a touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led astray by hunting and pecking. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ THE TRAGIC TALE OF OLD MacDONALD'S FARM A Personnel Saga by A. Mouse, Non-E (1 ea.) (as told to L. D. Manning) Once upon a time a Personnel Officer retired and, with the University's moderate pension plan, bought a Farm and moved his Family (Wife, household duties preferred, and Daughter, in-progress Education preferred) to the country to taste rural life. Old MacDonald (for that was his name) promptly bought livestock, labelled them appropriately according to their Job Descriptions, and recorded them all in a notebook, listing Job Title, Job Description, Estimated Annual Salary (Base, Full-time rate, nearest whole dollar amount), and preferred Job Qualifications. In addition, Old MacDonald planted crops, all appropriately labelled, (Celery, green, average stalk length 12", annual), and settled down to enjoy his retirement. One day a young man visited the Farm and introduced himself as the County Agent (Agent, Agricultural products, governmental). Old MacDonald gladly showed the young man around the Farm, displaying his handiwork. "This is my Annual Celery," he proudly announced, as they approached the garden. "Annual Celery?" the young man muttered. "Yes, and this is my Bovine Animal; four-legged, tan-and-white spotted, preferred." "But that's a Guernsey milk cow!" The young man obviously seemed distressed about something, but Old MacDonald couldn't understand what it could be. "And this is my Cow; large size, hump and brown color preferred." The young man had turned a peculiar color, but all he said was, "A Brahma bull! I wonder how he got the sign around his neck." The young man also seemed peculiarly distressed upon seeing that the Rooster was penned alone, with his beak taped shut, even after Old MacDonald explained that he had had to resort to these measures because the Rooster had been putting in unauthorized overtime in the hen house, and crowing at dawn. He simply WOULD NOT keep the required 8 to 5 hours (lunch from 12 noon to 1 pm only). The tour of the farm was soon over. Old MacDonald did not understand the young man's attitude. His records were immaculate. Every animal exactly fit its Job Description, and each one was correctly Titled and Labelled with a neat sign hung around its neck. Soon afterwards, Old MacDonald decided that now that the Farm records were in order, he should do the same to the personnel in his household. He, of course, was Personnel Officer. His wife, however, had been doing many different chores which were not in her Job Description. This, of course, would NOT DO. He promptly notified her that she would henceforth be Procurement Officer and would be in charge of buying and selling all items on the farm. Since his Wife was not thrilled at the added duties in her already busy schedule, Old MacDonald promised that she could keep all monies made on butter and eggs. That very afternoon a young man came to the farm asking to buy a milk cow. He had talked to the County Agent and had learned that Old MacDonald had one. His wife had just had twin girls and they needed the milk badly. Old MacDonald assured him that he had no Milk Cow. He had a Cow, a Bovine Animal, and a Calf, but no Milk Cow. This young man turned a peculiar color also. (What were young men coming to these days?) "But that IS a milk cow!" The young man pointed to the Bovine Animal. "Oh, no. That is a Bovine Animal. The fact that she gives milk is immaterial. She was hired as a Bovine Animal. She has had no Experience at being a Milk Cow." "Well, I'll buy her anyway. I need the milk. How much do you want for her?" "Oh, I couldn't let this poor creature apply for the Job Title of Milk Cow. As I have said, she has had not Experience in the field. She could, of course, be Reclassified, but that will take some time." "What do I have to do to have her reclassified?" The young man was not taking this at all well. He looked ill. "Well, you would have to submit a request in quintuplicate to the Personnel Officer (that's me), then fill out a questionnaire listing (1) why the current Job Title does not currently suit the duties of the Job Holder, (2) why the needs of the Employer have changed with respect to the said Job Title, (3) why this Job Holder was not hired at the new Job Title in the original request when s/he was originally hired, and (4) what qualifications and/or Experience qualify this candidate for the new Job Title. Then I will, of course, review your case, and objectively come to a decision. I am, of course, an Equal Opportunity Employer, and belong to EIEIO -- the Equality In Employment for Interstate Opportunities Commission." "How long will that take?" "Oh, about three weeks. Of course, I am rather busy right now -- harvest time coming up and all (all those new plants to Title and Label!) -- so it could take longer than that." The young man gave up and bought a milk cow (generic, no Job Title) from Farmer Jones next door. That evening, Old MacDonald happily returned home to the Procurement Officer and his Daughter, secure in the knowledge that all of his Farmyard Staff and his Family were appropriately Titled and Labelled. He was somewhat surprised to note upon his return, however, that the house was a mess and there was no dinner waiting for him when he arrived. "Wife," he complained. "Why are you not performing your Wifely duties? I am hungry, and for the first time in 32 years, this house is a mess. What is wrong with you? Are you ill?" "I see that you are looking in my direction when you ask these questions, but I am the Procurement Officer, not a Wife," replied his (former) Wife. "My Job Description does not include household duties." "Hmmm. That is true." Old MacDonald had not planned on this problem. "Well, I will simply give you back your old Title as well." "Oh, no." The Procurement Officer was adamant. "Only one Job Title per employee." Yes, of course. How could he have forgotten after so many years? "Well, then, I will give you back your old Title and do the Purchasing and Vouchering myself." "Oh, no. I make more money as a Procurement Officer than I did as a Wife. That would be a Demotion (A Very Serious Matter). Besides, I am not allowed to change Job Titles within the Farm for six months after I have once changed Job Titles. No. I am Procurement Officer, and that is that." Old MacDonald couldn't argue with that logic, so he fixed himself an Old MacDonald's hamburger and went to bed. The next day Mr. Jones of the neighboring farm came by and asked to see the Personnel List. Old MacDonald was only happy to oblige, since all of his records were open to the Public. Mr. Jones noted a "Bovine Animal," a "Calf," a "Cow," and a "Moo-Moo." He then politely inquired as to which of the Job Titles on the Personnel List had represented Positions which had actually been filled, and asked to see the Job Descriptions of those Jobs. When Old MacDonald happily obliged, he asked to interview two of the individuals involved, and, after a short while in the pasture, he requested that Old MacDonald sell him the Bovine Animal, since, as he pointed out, he had need of just such a Job Holder to inhabit one of his barns. Old MacDonald was pleased to oblige and offered to deliver the animal to Farmer Jones' Dairy Farm next door that very afternoon. Everything was soon concluded satisfactorily. (The Bovine Animal was especially happy, since she had not been milked for several weeks, being, of course, a Bovine Animal and not a Milk Cow.) During his trip to the Dairy to deliver the Bovine Animal, Old MacDonald noticed that the Milk Cows at the Dairy were giving milk. Moreover, most of them had Calves. Old MacDonald calculated rapidly and decided to employ a Milk Cow on his own Farm. He asked Farmer Jones how much Annual Salary (Full-time, Base Rate) a Milk Cow should earn. "Oh, my animals have no Job Titles," replied Farmer Jones. "They are commodities. I could sell you one if you like. In fact, I could sell you this one that I just bought from you -- at a small profit, of course." Old MacDonald promptly went back to the Procurement Officer and requested that she buy the milk cow from Farmer Jones. The Procurement Officer gave him forms to fill out. He obliged, but she still seemed to see difficulties in the transaction. "You cannot sole source an item unless the vendor is the only source from which the equivalent item can be bought. You then need a letter explaining (1) why this vendor is the only source for this needed item, and (2) why the specifications of the said item are necessary for your farm work." "But I bought grain last week from The Speedy Seed Company, using a sole source Purchase Order, and you did not say anything then." "That was a Chemical, food additive. You already had a letter on file for this type of purchase." "Besides, this is only $250.00. Couldn't we make an exception for just one penny?" "No exceptions." Old MacDonald didn't see how he could justify the specifications of a cow to be bought as "sole source" under these rules, so he asked how else he might be able to purchase the item. "You must get three bids," the Procurement Officer said. So Old MacDonald called three farms and got three bids on a milk cow. Mr. Smith's cow was two dollars cheaper. The Procurement Officer informed Old MacDonald that he would have to buy the cheaper product. It was a Farm Law. "But I want a Guernsey cow, because they give richer milk," said Old MacDonald. "You cannot purchase solely on the basis of Brand Names," returned the Procurement Officer. "You must get three bids, based on Qualifications of Equivalent Items; as, for example, size, equipment, and function." So Old MacDonald got three more bids. This time he specified "Cow, medium size, having one udder with at least four faucet-like devices hanging from it." This seemed to satisfy the Procurement Officer, since neither of the other two farms he called had that exact type of item, and each one put in a "No Bid." Soon, however, the Procurement Officer called Old MacDonald back and declared, "We cannot buy this item from Farmer Jones. 'Cows, medium size, having one udder with at least four faucet-like devices hanging from it' are on Farm Contract with Farmer Smith. You will have to buy one of his." "But his are Herefords and nearly eight years old! And two of them limp!" Old MacDonald was beginning to shout. "Well, you cannot specify according to age, race, sex, color, or handicapped condition. (We are members of the Equality In Expenses for Investment Opportunities Division of the Equality In Expenditures for Interstate Opportunities Commission -- the EIEIO, EIEIO -- you know, and cannot discriminate well.) If you want to buy a different type of animal, you should have used the correct specification in your Order when you took bids." Old MacDonald looked in the Farm Contract Book, wrote his specifications very carefully, took three more bids, and was finally successful. Since it had taken him three days to buy back the milk cow that had once been a Bovine Animal, Old MacDonald was anxious to get the animal as soon as possible. He offered to pick the animal up himself at Farmer Jones' Dairy Farm that very afternoon. When he got there, he realized that he had not put into the Purchase Order a request for a halter, and since he could not lead the animal back home without one, he asked Farmer Jones what to do. Farmer Jones obligingly offered to sell him the halter that had come with the animal for half of the original retail price if Old MacDonald would take the animal away at that time and not bother Farmer Jones any more. Old MacDonald agreed and took the animal back to his Farm. When he notified the Procurement Officer about the sale, however, she refused to repay the fee, since reimbursements are not allowed on Farm Accounts, and since he had not justified buying used equipment in advance. Old MacDonald told her that this was a Service of Milk Cow transportation, replacement part from the Vendor who sold the Milk Cow, and she finally agreed to reimburse him from her butter-and-egg money. It was shortly after this transaction that Old MacDonald decided he wasn't cut out for Farm Life. Too many Rules and Regulations, he decided. So he moved his Family (Wife and Daughter) back to the City (Urban area, heavily populated) and became the Director of the Bureau for Bureaucratically Underprivileged Rurally-Educated Areas' Urbanization (the Bureau of BUREAUs), and they lived bureaucratically every after. UNFORTUNATELY PROBABLY NOT THE END ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Kick the Mongrel In a previous account I told how reading a book on cryptography led to my getting an F.B.I. record at the age of 12 and about subsequent awkwardness in obtaining a security clearance. By request I will now describe how I learned that putting provocative information on a security clearance form can accelerate the clearance process. First let me describe the environment that gave rise to this gambit. White Faces in New Places In 1963, after living in Lexington, Massachusetts for 8 years, I moved to the Washington D.C. area to help set up a new office for Mitre Corporation. After three days of searching, my wife and I bought a house then under construction in a pleasant suburb near Fairfax, Virginia. I hadn't noticed it during our search, but it soon became evident that there were nothing but white faces in this area. In fact, there were nothing but white faces for miles around. We expected to find some cultural differences and did. For example, people drove much less aggressive than in Boston. The first time that I did a Boston-style fake-out at a traffic circle, the other cars yielded! This took all the fun out of it and I was embarrassed into driving more conservatively. When I applied for a Virginia driver's license, I noticed that the second question on the application, just after "Name," was "Race." When filling out forms, I have always made it a practice to omit information that I think is irrelevant. It seemed to me that my race had nothing to do with driving a car, so I left it blank. When I handed the application to the clerk along with the fee, he just looked at me, marked "W" in the blank field and threw it on a stack. I guess that he had learned that this was the easiest way to deal with outlanders. Our contractor was a bit slow in finishing the house. We knew that there was mail headed our way that was probably accumulating in the post office, so we put up the mailbox even before the house was finished. The first day we got just two letters -- from the American Civil Liberties Union and Martin Luther King's organization. We figured that this was the Post Office staff's way of letting us know that they were on to us. Sure enough, the next day we got the rest of our accumulated mail, a large stack. It shortly became apparent that on all forms in Virginia, the second question was "Race." Someone informed me that as far as the Commonwealth of Virginia was concerned, there were just two races: "white" and "colored." When our kids brought forms home from school, I started putting a "C" after the second question, leaving it to the authorities to figure out whether that meant "Colored" or "Caucasian." Racing Clearance About this time, my boss and I and another colleague applied for a special security clearance that we needed. There are certain clearances that can't be named in public -- it was one of those. I had held an ordinary Top Secret clearance for a number of years and had held the un-namable learance a short time before, so I did not anticipate any problems. When I filled out the security form, I noticed that question #5 was "Race." In the past I had not paid attention to this question; I had always thoughtlessly written "Caucasian." Having been sensitized by my new environment, I re-examined the question. All of my known forebears came from Europe, mostly from Southern Germany with a few from England, Ireland, and Scotland. A glance in the mirror, however, indicated that there was Middle Eastern blood in my veins. I have a semitic nose and skin that tans so easily that I am often darker than many people who pass for black. Did I inherit this from a Hebrew, an Arab, a Gypsy or perhaps one of the Turks who periodically pillaged Central Europe? Maybe it was from a Blackfoot Indian that an imaginative aunt thinks was in our family tree. I will probably never know. As an arrogant young computer scientist, I believed that if there is any decision that you can't figure out how to program, the question is wrong. I couldn't figure out how to program racial classification, so I concluded that there isn't such a thing. I subsequently reviewed some scientific literature that confirmed this belief. "Race" is, at best, a fuzzy concept about typical physical properties of certain populations. At worst, of course, it is used to justify more contemptible behavior than any concept other than religion. In answer to the race question on the security form, I decided to put "mongrel." This seemed like an appropriate answer to a meaningless question. Shortly after I handed in the form, I received a call from a secretary in the security office of the Defense Communications Agency. She said that she had noticed a typographical error in the fifth question where it said "mongrel." She asked if I didn't mean "Mongol." "No thanks," I said, "I really meant `mongrel.'" She ended the conversation rather quickly. A few hours later I received a call from the chief security officer of D.C.A., who I happened to know. "Hey, Les," he said in a friendly way, "I'd like to talk to you the next time you're over here." I agreed to meet him the following week. When I got there, he tried to talk me out of answering the race question "incorrectly." I asked him what he thought was the right answer. "You know, Caucasian," he replied. "Oh, you mean someone from the Caucusus Mountains of the U.S.S.R.?" I asked pointedly. "No, you know, `white.'" "Actually, I don't know," I said. We got into a lengthy discussion in which he informed me that as far as the Defense Department was concerned there were just five races: Caucasian, Negro, Oriental, American Indian, and something else that I don't remember. I asked him how he would classify someone who was, by his definition, 7/8 Caucasian and 1/8 Negro. He said he wasn't sure. I asked how he classified Egyptians and Ethiopians. He wasn't sure. I said that I wasn't sure either and that "mongrel" seemed like the best answer for me. He finally agreed to forward my form to the security authorities but warned that I was asking for trouble. A Question of Stability I knew what to expect from a security background investigation: neighbors and former acquaintances let you know it is going on by asking "What are they trying to get you for?" and kidding you about what they told the investigators. Within a week after my application for the new clearance was submitted, it became apparent that the investigation was already underway and that the agents were hammering everyone they talked to about my "mental stability." The Personnel Manager where I worked was interviewed quite early and came to me saying "My God! They think you're crazy! What did you do? Rape a polo pony?" He also remarked that they had asked him if he knew me socially and that he had answered "Yes, we just celebrated Guy Fawkes Day together." When the investigator wanted to know "What is Guy Fawkes Day?" he started to explain the gunpowder plot but thought better of it. He settled for the explanation that "It's a British holiday." An artist friend named Linda, who lived two houses away from us, said that she had no trouble answering the investigator's questions about my stability. She said that she recalled our party the week before when we had formed two teams to "Walk the plank." In this game, participants take turns walking the length of a 2 x 4 set on edge and drinking a small amount of beer. Anyone who steps off is eliminated and the team with the most total crossings after some number of rounds wins. Linda said that she remembered I was the most stable drinker there. I was glad that she had not remembered my instability at an earlier party of hers when I had fallen off a skateboard, broke my watch and bruised my ribs. The embarrassing thing was that I had run over the bottom of my own toga! The investigation continued full tilt everywhere I had lived. After about three months it stopped and a month later I was suddenly informed that the clearance had been granted. The other two people whose investigations were begun at the same time did not receive their clearances until another five months later. In comparing notes, it appeared that the investigators did the background checks on my colleagues in a much more leisurely manner. We concluded that my application had received priority treatment. The investigators had done their best to pin something on me and, having failed, gave me the clearance. The lesson is clear: If you want a clearance in a hurry, put something on your history form that will make them suspicious but that is not damning. The investigators get so many dull backgrounds to check that they relish the possibility of actually nailing someone. By being a bit provocative, you draw priority attention and quicker service. After I received the clearance, I expected no further effects >From my provocative answer. As it turned out, there was an unexpected repercussion a year later and an unexpected victory the year after that. But that is another story. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ There are SEVERAL ways to solve a problem. For example, consider the following from "The Teaching of Elementary Science and Mathematics" by Alexander Calandra: "The process of creativity is a mysterious and interesting one. It is brilliantly described in the following story. A student refused to parrot back what he had been taught in class. When the student protested, I was asked to act as arbiter between the student and his professor. I went to my colleague's office and read the examination question: 'Show how it is possible to determine the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer.' The student had answered: 'Take the barometer to the top of the building, attach a long rope to it, lower the barometer to the street and then bring it up, measuring the length of the rope. The length of the rope is the height of the building.' A high grade is supposed to certify competence in physics, but the answer did not confirm this. I suggested that the student have another try at answering the question. I gave the student six minutes, with the warning that his answer should show some knowledge of physics. In the next minute he dashed off his answer, which read: 'Take the barometer to the top of the building and lean over the edge of the roof. Drop the barometer, timing its fall with a stopwatch. Then, using the formula S = 1/2at2, calculate the height of the building.' At this point, I asked my colleague if he would give up. He conceded, and I gave the student almost full credit. In leaving my colleague's office, I recalled that the student had said he had other answers to the problem, so I asked him what they were. 'Oh, yes. There are many ways of getting the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer. For example, you could take the barometer out on a sunny day and measure the height of the barometer, the length of its shadow, and the length of the shadow of the building, and by the use of a simple proportion, determine the height of the building.' Fine, I said. And the others? 'Yes. Take the barometer and begin to walk up the stairs. As you climb the stairs, you mark off the length of the barometer along the wall. You then count the number of marks, and this will give you the height of the building in barometer units. A very direct method.' 'Finally, there are many other ways of solving the problem. Proably not the best is to take the barometer to the basement and knock on the superintendent's door. When the superintendent answers, you speak to him as follows: "Mr. Superintendent, here I have a fine barometer. If you will tell me the height of this building, I will give you this barometer".' ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Father Pat and Father Mike were riding down the highway with Father Pat at the wheel. Mileage was being ticked off pretty well when suddenly a little rabbit jumped up onto the highway right in front of the car. Father Pat did everything he could to miss the little bunny, he wrenched the wheel around, jammed on the brakes, and almost tipped the car over with his maneuvers, but to no avail....the rabbit was hit before the car could be stopped. Both priests jumped out of the car, ran back to the rabbit to see if there was anything that could be done, but alas, it appeared that the rabbit was gone. Father Pat pulled a bottle out of his pocket, sprinkled a few drops of the liquid on the rabbit, and instantly it jumped up and started waving vigorously. Father Mike looked at Father Pat and said, "It's a miracle!" The rabbit stood there and continued to wave at them. Since it appeared that nothing else was needed, the two priests returned to the car, and Father Pat continued down the road. Father Mike kept looking out the back window and, for as long as he could see the rabbit, it was still standing there and waving. When the rabbit was out of sight, Father Mike sat back and considered the sequence of events. Finally he said, "Father Pat, just what was in that bottle?" In response, Father Pat pulled the bottle out of his pocket once more and handed it to Father Mike who read the label: "Hair Restorer with Permanent Wave" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A burglar had been casing a particular house for some time. Finally, he saw the owners leave for what appeared to be an extended camping trip. That night he broke in through a basement window and was trying to find his way in the dark when he heard what seemed to him to be the voice of a very old woman saying "Shame on you! I see you, and Jesus sees you!" Startled, the burglar snarls back "Shut up, Grandma, or you're gonna get hurt!" He shines his flashlight all around, but no Grandma. Again the voice: "Shame on you! I see you, and Jesus sees you!" Finally, the beam of the flashlight finds a large cage and in it a pretty upset parrot. Relieved, the burglar turns back around and starts toward the stairs, only to spot an enormous slavering doberman waiting at the top. Just then the parrot screams, "Sic'em, Jesus!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ An American General, a Russian General and a British General are standing on the deck of a ship watching war exercises (OK, OK, so this is an *old* one..). The topic of discussion turns to human courage, and the Russian General boasts, "Russians are the most courageous people on Earth!". Upon which the American (naturally) challenges him: "Oh YEAH?". The Russian says, "Sure! Here, Yuri! Jump off the deck (into the freezing Atlantic) and swim around the ship!" Yuri marches off without a word, and does as he is told. The Russian turns around and says: "See, there's an example of courage!" The American *has* to top this, so he calls up one of his underlings and gives him the order: "Jack, Jump off the main mast into the ocean, and swim around the ship seven times!" Poor Jack goes off without a murmur, and he too does as he is told. The American General says: "Now top *that* for courage!" So they both turn around to the British General who has been standing around watching these antics silently. They ask him: "What about *your* people?". So the British guy calls up one of his people and says: "Trevor, jump off the mast and swim under the keel of the ship, will you, old chap?" Trevor stares at his general. "Let me get this right. You want me to jump off the mast." "Yes." "And swim under the keel" "Yes." "You must be daft!" And so saying, Trevor turns around and saunters off. Whereupon the British General turns to the other two and says, "Now *there*'s an example of TRUE courage!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ [From "Work Is Hell" by Matt Groening] The Road To Manhood ------------------- First safety-pin jab during diaper change First weaning First step First fall First peek up the teacher's dress while lying on the floor during naptime at nursery school First lecture that "the penis is not a toy". First lie told to escape punishment First dirty joke heard First dirty joke understood First profanity overheard by parent First victimization by bigger, older kid First victimization of smaller, younger kid First 10,000 hours of watching TV First realitization that girls might not be the enemy First realitization that everything you've been taught is a lie First compulsive masturbation First time drunk First car accident First furtive sexual experience First sexually transmitted disease First marriage First divorce First tax audit First realitization that you might not write the Great American Novel before you're thirty First realitization that you must be a man, 'cause you're not a kid anymore ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Reforming the teaching system is a subject of constant controversy. A group of high-level highly-qualified teachers studied this problem, and specially a question that was worrying the large majority of future students (well..., er... their parents): The evolution of a mathematical problem. You can feel the problem through this comparison: Teaching in the 60's: A farmer sells a a bag of potatoes for $100. Production costs used 4/5 of the sales price. What was his profit? Traditional teaching in the 70's: A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $100. Production costs used 4/5 of sales price, that is, $80. How much was his profit? Modern teaching in the 70's: A farmer exchanges a set "P" of potatoes for a set "M" of money. The order of the set "M" is 100 and each element is worth $1. Make a draw of 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M". The set "C" of the production costs has 20 dots less than the set "M", so answer now the next question: What is the order of the set "B" of profits? (draw its elements in red). New teaching system of the 80's: A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $100. Since the production costs were $80, the profit was $20. Now, underline the words "potatoes" and discuss it with your class neighbour. Reformed system of the 80's A privileaged Kapitalist steels injustly $20 over a beg of patatous analize the text and find out gramatik. ortografy and ponctuation erros and say something about dis process of getting reach. Computer Aided Instruction in the 90's: A sells engineer of an agriculture facility consults the Agro-BBS which he accesses through a PS/2 running OS/2 (50Mb hard disk, 4Mb 80 ns RAM, 25 MHz 80386) to find out the current day's price of potatoes. He introduces the value in his spreadsheet program, analyses linear regression tendencies in his FARMMANAGER expert system, and after seeing the results in his new VGA-compatible multisync monitor, and saving the results in the disk (not forgeting to backup it) he outputs the result to a color laser printer (using Post Script). Make a drawing with your mouse of the 3-D integrated contour of a bag of potatoes. Next, log in the Agro-BBS and follow the instructions of the menu. Teaching in the 2000's What's a farmer? ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ N Reasons Why Motorcycles Are Better Than Women ----------------------------------------------- Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles. Motorcycles' curves never sag. Motorcycles last longer. Motorcycles don't get pregnant. You can ride a Motorcycles any time of the month. Motorcycles don't have parents. Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong. You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up. You can share your Motorcycle with your friends. If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler. You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is _really_ worn. If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it. Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden. When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time. Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have. Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines. New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for them, you don't get them. If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it. If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it. If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks. If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it. You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle. You can have a black Motorcycle and show it to your parents. You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle. You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle. You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist and that you think that Motorcycles are equals. If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apoligize before you can ride it again. You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore. Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it. Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride. Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider. Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles. Motorcycles don't care if you are late. You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle. It's always ok to use tie downs on your Motorcycle. If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts. You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The harried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?" "Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight." The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once." "George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?" "Why, George! Your husband!....Is this 223-1374? "No, It's 223-1375." "Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number." There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ COMPUTER-RELATED HORROR STORIES, FOLKLORE, AND ANECDOTES Here's another example of what steel wool in the wrong places can do to a machine: And yet another flooring story... (Being a hardware engineer at heart, I still shiver when I think about this one.) Seams there was a cleaning lady that was assigned to the floor that had the computer on it (a Zerox SIGMA 5 if it really matters). Well, one day she decided that the heal marks in the raised tile floor just had to be cleaned up. After seeing that the soap and wax did not take all the marks out, she then tried steel wool! The customer had to replace the whole machine. Since the cooling fans draw from the bottom, all the evaporating wax was sucked up through the machine. The soft coating on the PC cards and backplane made a good home for all the small pieces of steel wool that flew by later. -!- > I once heard about a Xerox tech who opened up a malfunctioning > copier and found a dead mouse lying on its back, spread eagled, > right smack dab in the middle of it. -!- The most amusing incident I've ever heard along these lines (I *think* I read it in the book _Computer_Crime_) involved a guy who modified a payroll program for his large company. The program processed an alphabetically-sorted list of employees, so he would shave a few cents from each account as he processed, then make the results into a check for the last guy in the list -- which happened to be one he had set up with his mailing address on it. The name was really flaky, started with "Zy" or something like that. Anyway, his employer decided to do a morale-boost/public-relations move by awarding a trip or something neat like that to the first and last employee in the personnel/payroll database....It didn't take them long to link the non-existent employee at the end with the programmer in question. -!- True story from my own past. I worked for a small business dp timesharing and software development firm in Stamford, Connecticut in 1976. We were so successful in OEMing DEC PDP-11s with our business software that year that the owner decided to give himself a treat. He moved out of his nondescript office suite and moved into a penthouse suite in a professional building. In fact, he proudly announced, we'd be the highest point in Stamford and have a great view. Well, we moved in (quite a struggle since the elevator only went to the floor below) and started processing again, and within the weak started to notice a larger than usual number of soft crashes. Then we had a hard disk crash. Naturally we suspected that things had been jarred in the move or coming up the stairs. We had a FE come in and check it out and repair the disk. The FE didn't find anything wrong. The same thing happened the next week; we lost a hard disk and suffered numerous soft crashes which we tracked down to faulty disk reads. FE came out, and looked for the problem and couldn't find it when all of a sudden he detects a surge on our power. So, we are told we need a clean power line. Next week we have an electrician in and get a clean line pulled up 14 stories. But still we have these hard and soft disk failures. Frustrated, we have the FE call in a specialist. The specialist comes in doesn't find anything right away, then suddenly "blip" detects a surge on our ground!? So, they tell us we need a clean ground. We get an electrician and tell him this, and he looks at us strange but puts in a new ground. Next week same thing; lots of soft disk errors and this time we lose two platters on our 11/45 (recently arrived 11/03 with only floppy disks is cruising just fine though). We're really frustrated now, our MTBF (which we report to our customers in the monthly service level report) is in the toilet! The owner is hot about this. DEC local FE and specialist can't figure it out. Finally, they call in an engineer from Mass. He strolls through our front door walks over to where the 11/45 (including disks in same cabinet) is, right next to the window. He doesn't even look at the computer, just stares out the window for a few seconds. Finally, he turns to us and says, "Interesting, by the way, can you tell me what those antennas are for?" as he points out the window at the other side of the roof. "I don't know, just TV antennas I guess" says my boss. The engineer asks us to call maintenance just to check. Meanwhile this engineer is showing the local FE and specialist how he can get blips on his scope from the venetian blinds, his tie clip and just about everything else. Turns out the antennas were microwave and radio paging antennas. This being the high point in Stamford made it an ideal site (in fact the antenna rented for 10X the price of the penthouse suite!). Everytime some doctor was paged in Stamford, the antennas would send out a signal that induced a current in everything around. Being only 20 feet away everything in our office was hit especially in our hard disks which used a magnet and induction coil to position the heads over the proper track! Some signals would cause the head to over or undershoot the specified track causing the soft crashes, while others cause the head to actually hit the platter. The floppies on the 11/03 weren't affected because they didn't use induction coils. They had to move the office down to the first floor where it had a view of... the parking lot! (However, in fairness to the 11/45 and its disks I must also say that it later did a long stint at one of our customer's sites, in a "Polyfill" factory. The fibers in the air were so thick that the filters on the air conditioner had to be cleaned daily or it would actually burn out--but the 11/45 and disks functioned smoothly (I, however got a raging sore throat and sometime will find I have some lung disease!)) -!- It seems a customer was having trouble with the floppy drive on his 9836 computer. He would write his files to disk every night before he went home to find the next morning the disks were unreadable. This went on for a few weeks so he decided to call HP. After the usual telephone interrogation the CE decided he would have to go on-site. The CE tried to read the customer's floppy to no avail. Assuming a damaged disk, they tried a new one. To test the drive the CE initialized a new floppy, installed it into the drive, wrote a file only to read it back perfectly. Being a good CE he cleaned the heads on the disk drive, ran the diagnostics and sure enough, everything looked fine. Since both he and the customer were satisfied no problem existed, they decided the disk PM was worth the trip. The next day the customer called the CE back because his disks were unreadable. The CE went back to the customer site and again, the disks were unreadable. He reviewed the command sequence used to create the files and all was correct. They cleaned the heads again, ran the diagnostics only to discover no problems. A new, initialized floppy worked fine. Just in case the diagnostics had gone awry, the CE, over the next couple of weeks, began to replace parts of the two drives. (Intermittent problems are always the most difficult to expose.) Finally the customer had two brand new drives only to find he could not read his disks. The CE, becoming very frustrated, asked himself,"If I were a floppy disk why would I become unreadable?" EUREKA!! It seems that every night, so that he would not forget to bring his files to work the next day, the customer would put them in a convenient place-right next to the door. HE HAD THEM STUCK TO THE FRIDGE WITH A MAGNET!! Of course the CE checked the immediate area of the computer for anything magnetic, but who would have thought... -!- A computer kept crashing, and every time service was called, it worked fine. It turned out that one of the users would come in, sit down at the console and put his papers and stuff on the top covering the cooling vents. When it crashed, he'd pick up his stuff and leave, removing the evidence. Service people didn't figure this one out until they decided to watch him work to see why it crashed. -!- We had an IBM cluster controller controlling some 3270 terminals. We paid $5000 for an upgrade that would allow more users to be connected to the controller. The IBM service rep came in and REMOVED a board, that was put there to deliberately slow things down. -!- Another interesting but kludgy fix to a problem came from a user of an IBM 7044. The 7044 had a HALT instruction that stopped the CPU clock. The user was doing some realtime processing or something of the sort and didn't like the idea of the CPU ever being able to stop itself. He asked IBM how much it would cost to disable the instruction and they gave him some large quote which contained the implicit message "We don't want to do it and this price is set high enough to make you change your mind about the request." The user didn't want to pay the money so he fixed up a photodiode over the light on the console that was on when the CPU was running and hooked it up to a solenoid that would push the RUN button whenever the light went out. The cost was a couple of dollars. -!- I was at GE Consulting's Training and Education Center in Albany, NY taking a course on the PC. Well, there were some inexperienced PC users there, so we had to go through the "basics" for them (ie, the do's and don't's of disk handling) Well, according to the instructor, there had been one student who had driven up from Bridgeport, CT (corporate offices are there). He had stayed at a nearby motel overnight, leaving his briefcase in the trunk of the car. (Oh, let me add that it was sub-zero weather at the time of this incident). In the morning he arrived at T&E, opened up his briefcase, took out a floppy disk, inserted into a drive... then *c-r-a-c-k*!!! It shattered into little pieces. -!- Heard a story about a company whose PC software was being blamed for the consistent failure to read backup data off floppies. Unable to determine the cause, they finally sent someone to sit beside the system's user the entire work day. Nothing unusual was seen until the very end of the business day when the user took the floppy out of the drive and started to label it. A blank label was put on and the disk inserted into the carriage of an electric typewriter... -!- How about the young computer salesman giving some client a demonstration of the new electronic word-processor? He loads up a large document, and says: "watch this!". He hits a couple of keys, and converts every "i" in the document to an "a", making the text unreadable. "And you can change it all back, just like this" he proclaims, subsequently converting all "a"s back to "i", including those that had been "a"s originally. -!- A friend worked for a company that made IC's. It seemed that every few months their yields would go down to about zero. Analysis of the failures showed all sorts of organic material was introduced into the process somewhere but they couldn't figure out where. One evening someone was working late and came into the lab. There he found the maintenance crew cooking pizza in the chip curing ovens! -!- A friend of mine told a story of one of these printers he and another friend destroyed in a most interesting manner. These printers had, it would seem, a sort of chain that held all of the characters. I guess they held about three complete sets of the alphabet plus special characters. These chaps read the chain and created a file in their system that had all of the characters of one pass in it. They gave the command to print the file. Upon doing so the printer starts to spin the chain, then SMACK! Trying to print all of those characters at once while the chain was moving, didn't quite work. The fellow said they found the print characters in various parts of their office for years thereafter. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Perhaps the following technical terminology will tickle your funny bone: 486....The average IQ needed to understand a PC. State-of-the-art....Any computer you can't afford. Obsolete....Any computer you own. Microsecond....The time it takes for your State-of-the-art computer to become obsolete. Syntax Error...."Hello, I want to buy a computer and money is no object." GUI (pronounced "gooey")....What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. Computer Chip....Any starchy foodstuff consumed in mass quantities while programming. Keyboard....The standard way to generate computer errors. Mouse....An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate. Floppy....The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer. Hard Drive....The sales technique employed by most computer salesmen. Portable Computer....A device invented to force business men to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips. Disk Crash....A typical computer response to any critical deadline. Power User....Anyone who can format a disk from DOS. System update....A quick method of trashing all of your current software. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ TRIVIA: In just one day, 6.8 billion gallons of water are used to flush all of the toilets in the United States. The Pentagon building has 685 water fountains. The life-span of a one dollar bill is about eighteen months. Americans spend more money on cat food than baby food...about two billion dollars annually. The first Post Office in the American colonies was in a tavern! Literally translated, the Italian word "linguine" means "little tongues." Attempted suicide used to be a capital crime in England. Those convicted usually got a death sentence. An old Virginia ordinance, still in force, prohibits putting bathtubs in the house. They can only be kept in the yard. You're breaking the law if you fall asleep in a bathtub in Detroit, Michigan. When J. C. Penney (middle name Cash) opened his first department store in 1902, it was called the Golden Rule. The average worker in the US in 1905 made $523.12 per year. The Sunday Independent (a Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania newspaper) recently reported a story about a woman who returned home after a hospital stay and found the first floor rear door to her home forced open. In a search, the only item found missing was a four-pack of Charmin toilet tissue. The average person will exhale enough air during a lifetime to inflate more than 30 Goodyear blimps. You can't sneeze with your eyes open! The average American will spend five years of his life waiting in lines, either on foot or at the wheel of his car. He will take almost 26,000 showers. He will spend 30 months reading newspapers. He will laugh about 400 thousand times and he will save about 26 thousand dollars by using coupons. A Florida law makes it illegal to fall asleep under a hair dryer. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?" "None...", replied Johnny. "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking." Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone and the third sucking the cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ CITY OF LOS ANGELES High School Math Proficiency Exam _________________________________________________________________ Name: ______________________ Gang: ________________________ 1. Johnny has an AK47 with a 40 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by, how many drive- bys can he attend before he has to reload? 2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an eight ball to Jimmy for $320 and 2 grams to Billy at $65 each. What is the street value of the balance of cocaine if he doesn't step on it? 3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price per trick is $65.00, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can support his $800 per day crack habit? 4. Jerome wants to cut his half pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of Manitol will he need? 5. Willis gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 per Chevy, and $100 for a 4X4. If he has stolen two BMWs and three 4X4s, how many Chevys will he have to steal to make $800? 6. Raoul is in prison for six years for murder and he got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out and how many years would he get for killing the bitch? 7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is .8 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 8 cans of paint? 8. Mike knocked up six girls in his gang. There are a total of 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of girls has Mike knocked up? MARTY GATEWOOD ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ You no doubt have heard the (true) story about the problem that Boeing had with the design with one of its WWII bomber designs. Seems the wings kept coming off in flight. They tried everything they knew to fix the problem to no avail. One late night the Boeing structural engineers were huddled over a drawing board trying to come up with a solution and the janitor was cleaning up the office. Hearing the nature of the conversation he interrupted them and told him he had the solution to their problem. They looked at him with disdain, but were desperate enough to try anything at that point. The elderly man told them to cut perforations fore and aft along the root of each wing. They thanked him as they rolled their eyes up their sockets and went back to work on the problem. A few hours later after the janitor had gone home, they were at their wits end and decided, what the hell, they might as well try the perforations since they had tried everything else that made sense. By the next morning they had a prototype ready to fly. Boeing's chief test pilot, Ferdie Halibut, took the bomber up and put it through everything he knew how to do including outside loops and the wings stayed on. The engineers were hailed as heroes. That evening when the gray-haired cleanup man came in to work, the team of engineers cornered him and told him that his solution had worked and they wanted to know how he was so sure something that preposterous would do the job. The janitor said, "Well, I've been a janitor for 41 years and in all that time I have never seen toilet paper tear along the perforations." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence 1. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear bomb; use the stairs. 2. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit the ground. 3. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials. 4. Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to psychological problems. 5. Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc. 6. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs will be scarce in the post-nuclear age. 7. Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles. 8. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be staggering illegally. 9. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more sanitary due to limited circulation. 10. Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on D-Day. ... Mine is the last voice that you will ever hear. Do not be alarmed. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ SeaTac is the main Seattle-area airport. Ordinarily aircraft landings are from the north, and this end of the runway is equipped with all the sensing equipment necessary to do ALS (Automatic Landing System) approaches. The early 747 ALS worked beautifully, and the first of these multi-centaton aircraft set down exactly at the spot in the center of the runway that the ALS was heading for. The second 747 set down there. The third 747 landed on this part of the runway... as did all the others. After a while, SeaTac personnel noticed that the concrete at this point at the north end of the ALS runway was breaking up under the repeated impact of 747 landings. So the sofware was modified so that 3 miles out on the approach, a random number generator is consulted to choose a landing spot -- a little long, a little short, a little to the left or a little to the right. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ COMPUTER-RELATED HORROR STORIES, FOLKLORE, AND ANECDOTES When I was an undergrad at UNC, I spent a little time in the graduate department's graphics lab. When one of the grads was showing us the hardware, he pointed out a large rubber mallet sitting beside one of the cabinets. He said that the connection between the chips' prongs and their sockets sometimes became poor, and often when the system acted up the cure was to bang on the cabinet with the mallet to reseat the chips. He also said anytime they had a photo of the lab taken, they made sure the mallet was visible in the picture, and sent a copy to DEC, who apparently knew exactly what the mallet was for. -!- A site had an HP3000 installation with a number of large 300Mb disk disk drives. One week, two of the drives crashed, so they called an engineer. The engineer examined the drives, and noticed a little pile of sawdust on the floor by the side of them. Needless to say, there is no wood in the construction of these drives and the floor was concrete. The engineer repairs the drives and leaves, sorely vexed. The same thing happens a couple of days later - same two drives crash, engineer calls, sawdust, etc. This pattern repeats until one day they notice a maintenance man, who has a long plank of wood, walk into the computer room, wedge the wood between the two drives (the gap between them was juuust riiight!) and then proceed to saw the plank in half with an enormous rip-saw.... -!- A friend of mine was repairing a Russian EC-20 computer in Bangalore, India. He found an insulated wire soldered to a pin of a chip. Looking for the other end, he traced and he traced and he traced -- 10 feet of wire, and the other end was soldered to an adjacent chip! As it turned out, they needed a 10 ns delay between the two pins. -!- Some computer-illiterate visitors were shown the CDC6400 at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem. One of them asked, how does the machine do all these wonderful things? Their guide joked that it has a small man inside. While he was speaking, a CDC technician (the late Rachmim Moreno, a small man indeed) had just finished some routine maintenance and stepped out of the machine. -!- Several years back I was working at a HMO and we had a lot of 8080 micros using ADM3A dumb terminals. These terminals were so dumb that all they had were upper case character sets. Eventually, upper managment was talked into upgrading them to the ROM's with upper and lower case characters. Well, one day we received this big three foot square box from the terminal manufacturer. Everyone was puzzled as to what they could be sending us. The person with the order said he had asked for 30 lower case options. The ADM3A terminal has an upper and lower clamshell like case. When the box was opened we found they had sent us 30 lower halfs to the terminal case. -!- It seems (allegedly) that certain Microsoft compilers are smart enough to figure out when they are being benchmarked. Any time the parser sees the "standard" 10,000-prime-numbers algorithm, it dumps that section of code and substitutes a set of hand-tuned, gut-level machine code designed to do that one thing as fast as possible! I don't think it actually just printed them out from a table, but you get the idea.... -!- A computer repairman was one day called to a grade school to repair their no longer working computer. When he opened up the processor, he found a thick coating of white dust covering every component within, i.e. backplane, mother board and all other PC boards, housing walls, etc. He had never seen any coating like this in any other computer. The repair of the processor involved simply blowing out the dust. A few days later he was on another service call within the school for another computer. Walking by the room that contained the unit he had previously fixed, he decided to peek into the room to see how it was doing. What he saw explained the white dust. He saw several boys beating the chalk board erasers next to the fan in the unit, and watching the unit suck the dust inside. -!- A computer musician who lives up in Ithaca, NY, told the following story: He tried out his Macintosh MIDI equipment, and everything worked perfectly. In those days, in the early mid-eighties, one had to rely on 512K, and an external disk drive (no hard drive). Then he went up to Chicago (?) for a performance for an audience. He picked up all the equipment on the stage -- it didn't work at all. So the next couple of hours he tried to figure out what is wrong, and the audience started to show up... But then, Aha!, somebody discovered that the external disk drive was placed on the left side of the Macintosh -- not on the right side, as it should according to the manual. The Mac has its transformers on the left side, and their magnetic field interfered with the drive. So they moved the drive over to the right side, everything all of a sudden working perfectly, and the performance was carried in land. -!- Several years ago I was working as an instructor at a computer camp. I was assigned to teach the introductory class in TTL logic and peripheral design. So there I was, explaining the TTL high and low states. "Five volts represents the 'high' state or a binary 1, and zero volts represents the 'low' state, or a binary 0." And I went on and on explaining the various TTL Gates (AND, NOR, NAND, etc). Finally, I got to the Inverter (or NOT gate). I explained that if you put 5 volts into it, you'll get 0 volts out, and if you put 0 volts into it you'll get 5 volts out. To this, one person replied: "Wouldn't that thing be awfully useful during a power failure?" -!- The local phone company, NJ Bell, would include a keypunch card with your bill. The card included the standard information about the customer and the bill amount. This friend of mine took the phone bill card to keypunch and added an overpunch to the the bill amount making it a negative number. He sent in a check for the regular amount with the altered card. When he received his next month's bill there was a credit for his payment and a credit from his previous balance due. He never told me if the phone company ever caught on or not. ... My other computer is a Cray. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Kids are learning about sex earlier and earlier. The other day I heard : your crib or mine? q: How many alchemists does it take to change a light bulb? a: Into what? ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ COMPUTER-RELATED HORROR STORIES, FOLKLORE, AND ANECDOTES The TRS-80 Model 1 used to put out so much RF interference, that one way of adding sound to ANY program was to put a small AM radio right by the machine, and listening to the electronic "music". Some programs even used this trait of the trash-80, instead of connecting up the external speaker. -!- In 1978, a company in my area which specialized in fruit orchard temperature alarm systems (it being necessary to awaken the farmers to start the smudge pots and ventilators (giant fans) in order to prevent damage to the fruit) decided they wanted to go into the TRS-80 I peripherals business. They hired me as an engineering technician and programmer. There I was, working on programs to drive the peripherals, and having even the simplest programs crashing and going haywire for no apparent reason. Being brought up to never assume it's the machine's fault, I spent several weeks trying to figure out what I was doing wrong. The one day my boss asked me to go to the company next door and assist them with a problem (they built hydraulic lift units, like the ones you see being used in construction...turned out we built the electronic control boxes for their lifts). I walk into the shop, and am confronted by 12 extra heavy duty arcwelding machines (these guys were welding steel up to 2" thick!). After solving their problem, I traced the power mains. Sure enough, we were drawing our AC feed from the same source they were, no transformers between us. A few hours, a couple of isolation transformers and caps later, and all of a sudden my code runs perfectly. The boss still didn't believe it, when I showed him the finally working code... he had pretty much decided I was a flop as a programmer. They decided two weeks later not to go into computers... too volatile, they said. -!- >> I was once told that the operating system for the Burroughs >> B1700, another computer well-supplied with lights, displayed a >> smile in its idle loop. > Some Honeywell computers make "bird calls" over a built-in > speaker when idle. If the computer room sounds like a jungle, > then you're certain to get lots of CPU for your jobs. Back when I was an undergrad at Oberlin College, I had the pleasure of working as an operator on their Xerox Sigma 9. The best part of the job was bringing down the machine. The console displayed "Thhhhhhats all Folks!!!", while the processor treated you to a rendition of the Star Spangled Banner on the CPU alarm. -!- Speaking of doing things to power lines...I remember a story I heard from my circuits professor in Colorado. It seems that they received a computer from the government (I can't remember the make, but it wasn't anything I had heard of before). This computer was a bit of a beast. It ran off of 3-phase power, and had a disk that was between 3 and 4 feet in diameter. Well, several students were involved in setting up the disk drive one night, and when the professor left he told them that they could connect everything, but not to power it up until he checked it over. Well, you know students...they wired it up and turned it on. For those of you who are not to familiar with 3-phase power, if you reverse any 2 out of the 3 wires, the polarity changes. Well, they managed to reverse 2 of the wires, causing the disk to spin backwards. Now, since the heads are designed to float on a cushion of air above the disk, they went down instead of up, and the disk ended up with a nice groove right down the middle. Needless to say, the prof wasn't pleased when he came in the next morning and found his nice new disk turned into so many magnetic shavings.... -!- In 1970 ('71?) Fresno State's computer room was the target of a firebomb thrown by some protesting students. The fire department arrived and hosed everything down. The fire damage was negligible. But then the FD decided that since it was electrical equipment, they should be using CO2 extinguishers instead. Either water or CO2 would have been okay alone; but when the CO2 was sprayed on top of the water, it formed carbolic acid [or is it carbonic, I don't remember]. Destroyed all of the equipment, the disks, and the tapes. Took about a year and a half to recreate their records from hardcopy. -!- When MCIMail first went on the air, they charged for hardcopy mail delivery by the character (actually, 5000-character unit). You could mail yourself or a friend a few reams of paper for $1 by sending a file of formfeeds. They fixed their charging when we pointed this out. Also, their password-generator occasionally spits out somewhat racy words (they have the form consonant-vowel-consonant-... -vowel, 8 characters in all). The generator checks for most of the obvious bad ones, but it seems a few must slip by the censors. We suggested that they ought to charge extra for the racy ones, on the grounds that they would be so much easier to remember. This idea was rejected, though its originator got such a password for the thought. -!- > Is it really true that someone working for a bank or a large > company diverted megabucks into his or her personal account by > adjusting a program that figured out people's paychecks or > interest payments so that it always rounded *down* to the > nearest penny, never up, and then deposited the extra parts of > pennies (mills) into his or her own account? I heard this story > several years ago, but now I need to know if it's really true. > So if you know the name of the bank or the company and the > approximate year this person was caught, Not only is it true, it has also happened a lot more than just once. In fact, this is one of the simplest computer scams going. One of the cleverest ones I ever heard about involved someone working for a company (a fruit company, I believe) who had the computer change (just slightly) the recorded times (and prices) of the company's transactions on the commodities exchanges. His profits came from the slight changes (say,1/16 of a point) in the contract prices that occur all the time during a normal trading day. I have seen several books which talk about these and other schemes in detail. Unfortunately, the names and dates are often not revealed as most companies are loath to have the general public find out the ease with which these types of crimes can be carried out, as well as the difficulty of discovering them once they have occurred. One of the most revealing items is the fact that computer criminals are almost always caught only because discrepancies in their lifestyles are noted (e.g. buying a 40-foot yacht on a $20k salary). In fact, the longest running crime I heard about, which involved a programmer (I believe) in a prominent New York bank, went on for close to 10 years. The culprit escaped detection so long because he had a $30,000-a- month gambling habit and was losing his illegal income as fast as he got it. He was finally caught when his bookie was arrested as part of a police 'sting' operation, and his name was found on the books as one of the largest customers. As for finding more out about such things, all the information I have came from browsing through the MIT engineering library for a few afternoons, so I imagine that any good college library should have at least some material on this. Good luck in finding out some actual names and dates, however! -!- There are exceptions. During the fifties a military clerk working for the NSA had a wreck in his hydroplane. Since he had access to a lot a top secret data they assigned an agent to watch over him while he was under anesthesia to ensure that he wouldn't babble anything. It wasn't until later when he disappeared and moved to Moscow that anyone thought to ask how a low paid clerk could afford to buy a hydroplane. -!- A fellow I worked with once told me a horror story that happened when he was working as an operator at MIT. The system they were using had recently been converted to using a new type of coated fiberglass disk, to replace the old, heavy metal-platter kind. No problem there. Well, the system they had this "Emergency Stop" plug on it that you would pull when an emergency occurred (they assumed it was for, say, a flood in the machine room). One late evening, a couple of the operators were sitting around being bored, and decided to see what would happen when they pulled "Emergency Stop". Immediately after pulling it, they heard a strange sound in the disk cabinet. Looking over, they saw an arm emerge from the side of the cabinet, on either side of a platter, and CLAMP down on the platter. Apparently, this wasn't made for use with fiberglass platters. They were picking splinters out of the walls for days. -!- A bulletin board service in Oakland, CA, (Sunrise Omega-80) lost a drive when an ant walked across one of the disk drive heads as it was stepping.. Smeared the disk, the drive wasn't too good either, and the board was down for several weeks.. -!- There was a computer system that was experiencing intermittent power failures that were proving impossible to track down. Every means of recording device and electrical filter was used, but to no avail. The power failures always seemed to happen soon after lunch time, but for no apparent reason. After months of agonizing work, the technician finally figured it out: The room on the other side of the wall from the computer room was the men's bathroom. The grounding for the computer room circuits went to the water pipes that serviced one of the toilets. The building was rather old, and the toilets were in some need of repair. It seems that when one sat on the toilet seat, the weight of the sittee would cause the whole construction to lean forward a bit - not much, but enough to cause the marginally attached grounding wires to separate from the water pipes as the pipes bent along with the toilet - voila - the computer re-boots. I bet that was a hard one to track down! -!- On the same lines as the "120 test", I once knew a repair tech that had a "perfect" system for finding the problem when a machine blew fuses. He kept putting larger and larger fuses in until something else blew. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A girl is visiting her mom, back from here first semester at college. They are in the midst of a heart to heart talk, and the girl tells here mom: "I have to get this off my chest mother. I lost my virginity while at college." To this the mom replies: "I'm not surprised, i figured it would happen. I just hope it was a exciting and romantic experience. The girl excitedly replies: "Oh yes, the first 8 times were great, but after that, it started to hurt!" Whats the most common condition that affects baseball groupies? Athletes fetus! Bob takes JoJo and the kids for a day at the neighborhood pool. After they've been there awhile, a lifeguard blows his whistle and screams at Bob, "Hey you in the Speedo's, I've been watching you all afternoon, and you must stop pissing in the pool!" Bob says, "Why, everybody does it?" The lifeguard replies, "Yes, but not from the diving board!" A man and a woman had been married for 50 years when they were trying to think of how they could spice up their relationship a bit. So, they decided to have breakfast in the nude like they did when they were younger. The next morning they sit down to eat when the wife says, "Honey, I don't think this is working. My breasts are starting to get really hot!" Her husband replies, "They should dear, one is in your coffee, and the other is in your oatmeal." One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the unemployment office to hire someone for the day. When he arrived, they didn't have any painters available, but they did have a gynecologist there. He reluctantly took him along to help. A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time there were two painters there, but instead he asked for the gynecologist again. The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynecologist when we have two proffessional painters you can take right now?" He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But I'll be damned if that gynecologist didn't stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the whole house!!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ INTEROFFICE MEMO TO: All Office Personnel FROM: Management SUBJECT: Streaking IN VIEW OF NUMEROUS INQUIRIES DEPARTMENT HEADS HAVE HAD AS TO COMPANY POSITION ON "STREAKING" THE MANAGEMENT HAS ADOPTED THE FOLLOWING REGULATIONS: Streaking will be permitted as follows: Female employees will streak on odd days - males on even days. On payday, all employees may streak, subject to the following: 1. Girls who have tatoos on the lower half of their bodies, such as "sock if to me" or "what you see is what you get" will not be permitted to streak, due to inspection regulations. 2. Men with tatoos, such as "let it all hang out" will not be permitted to streak. Also, men with tatoos of butterflies, roses, or elves will streak with females. 3. Junior executives may carry their brief cases while streaking; however, the usual rule applies -- Junior executives may never carry any business papers, but may carry the usual, such as Kleenex, lunch, wife's shopping list, and Playboy magazines. 4. Girls with bust size larger than 36B must wear a bra while in file area, or around any xerox machines. Girls smaller than 36B should not try to impress people by wearing a bra. 5. If you streak in any area where food is served, you must wear two hair nets. These will be available in the vending machine by the cafeteria. 6. In the event your physical make-up is such your sex cannot be determined, such as flat chest for girls, or long hair on boys, you must wear a tag stating "I am a boy" or "I am a girl". Tags will be attached on girls with hair pin or paper clip; on boys with rubber band. Please return paper clips and rubber bands to stationary supplies after you finish streaking. 7. Girls may wear jewelry while streaking, but in no event should they bend over to retrieve it should it fall (Due to insurance regulations). 9. No female beyond her seventh month of pregnancy, or those wishing to become pregnant, may streak. 10. No mixed streaking in dark hallways, broom closets, or under desks. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Area: alt.destroy.the.earth >: Could we build some space-based contraption that would cause the Dirt >: to perform like a giant dynamo? I believe using the Dirt's own >: magnetic fields to cause rotation (or to end it) could be a feasable >: solution. >You wqould need to build a huge set of electromagnets around the planet >and use a lot of AC electricity to accellerate the planet of dirt. The >iron core would act like the armature of an induction electric motor in >this case. Once the RPM is 1/3 RPM, the planet would explode from the >centrifugal force. Nice try but the 2 trillion tons of antimatter will work >better and be easier to make. I think the true impass is this: Do we go out with the more aesthetically pleasing method (spinning) or with the chomp-and-flash method (antimatter). Antimatter is nice at getting rid of things, but really would not provide the blunt satisfaction of spinning the planet to death. I vote for spinning. Not only would it result in the flinging off of vast chunky bits of planetary material, but it has a nice, apocalyptic buildup. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ I was hanging out in a SCSI bar. A loud bandwidth played in the corner. I gave the place a binary search. I saw a little chip in the corner. She SIMMed like a pro. I traversed over to her. She pressed her Apples against me. "Hey, Mac, do you have a hard drive?" "No, only a floppy," I replied. "Well, then you need an Amiga," she sed. "Vi?" "Well, if I was your Amiga, we could interface." We went to a motel on a VESA local bus. The motel was SCSI-2. It needed to be debugged. "So, how much is this going to cost me?" I queried. She added it up right away. She had a mind like a...like a.... She could add really fast. She stripped her binaries. It was quite a procedure. "I'm going to turn your software into hardware," she transmitted. She started to spreadsheet. "So, are you ready to RAM?" she called. I had been auditing everything. I sent a signal. It was time for the trap. All the agents burst through the gateway. My manager was with them. "Awk! It's a RAID!" she sed. "Don't arrest me! I'm a motherboard! How will I explain this to my Sun?" The agents were not responding. They got ready to stop her process. She was getting desperate. "Hey, I could do a favor for all of you. I'm fully multitasking." It didn't work. We're all UNIX. ...Isn't beating a dead horse sado-necro-bestiality? ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ "I took my daughter to see 'Apollo 13' and, remembering that mission so vividly, I tried to explain somewhat to her the events that had rivited us all to television and radio broadcasts for several days. After seeing the movie, she solemnly commented that she would have known right away that they would have trouble, once she saw that Forrest Gump was in charge of the mission." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ News Flash: Dateline Miami off the IP wire. Greenpeace ship sunk by giant whale. Survivors report several deaths due to dolphin attacks. Preliminary unconfirmed reports indicate the the attack whale strongly resembled Willy of motion picture fame. As to possible motives, it was suggested that the whale's civil rights were violated when he was evicted from his home to the cruel sea. Possible legal action may follow. An anonymous renown animal psychologist is working in conjunction with the authorities. Among the possible reasons for the attack of the dolphins, there were strong indications that it was a vigilante group bound for revenge. Their founder, the dolphin formerly known as Flipper, was exploited and subsequently fired after the TV show was cancelled. Or so says their spokesmammal. Through their spokesfish, Charlie T. the tuna are considering a possible work stoppage to show support for their oceanic cousins. More on this story as details arrive. Stay tuned for further developments. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Area: alt.devilbunnies No, Devilbunnies! There's a difference. Devil Bunnies are multiple incarnations of The Lady. Devilbunnies are the multiple incarnations of Ky00t Evil That Fluffs(TM). See? > I haven't seen those since..... since.. the accident. You saw them at THE ACCIDENT? You're OLD, aren't you? ;) Did they ever get that accelerator back together? (Lots of nice buttons and switches and things, you know?) > Beware the devil bunnies, they have nasty big pointy teeth. Well, one of them does. They remind people of Ginsu Knives, actually. :D ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Just read this in an old Hustler. On a movie set, the Director is calling for some good action fight scenes, but neither the stunt men, nor the main actor, can satisfy him in this. So he looks across the road, sees a Hell's Angel and his mama on their bike and calls his leading man. "Go to that guy", he says, "and insult him. We'll have the cameras rolling". "OK", the actor says and walks over to the biker. "Tell me, is that old bag your old lady?", he asks the biker. "Yeah. So what?", the biker replies. "Shit, she's the ugliest old bitch I've ever seen in my life!" The biker turns to his woman and says, "See? What'd I tell you?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ We have all grown up knowing and loving the characters produced by Walt Disney and his successors at the Disney company. From Mickey Mouse to Aladdin, Disney has always given us something to laugh at, someone to cry for, something to hope for and a star to wish upon. Now, however, is has been revealed by the Disney corporation that the stars of these memorable cartoons may not have been the paragons of hope and happiness we always thought they were. Here, for the first time ever, are the TRUE fates of your favourite Disney characters, taken from the secret files of Michael Eisner himself.... MICKEY MOUSE- died of venereal disease after visiting multiple prostitutes because Minnie said "No" for 50 years. MINNIE MOUSE- (see MICKEY) DONALD DUCK- served as a main course at Epcot's China Pavilion. GOOFY- assassinated during first term as President of the United States. PLUTO- caught by dogcatchers, put to sleep after he was never claimed. SCROOGE MCDUCK- died in extreme poverty after being audited by the IRS. HUEY, DEWEY & LOUIE- involved in an underground child pornography ring. CHIP & DALE- extracted from Richard Gere's colon. SNOW WHITE- fell for the old "apple trick" again. DOPEY- 'nuff said. SNEEZY- died of pneumonia with Jim Henson. GRUMPY- executed after gunning down 15 people in a local McDonalds. HAPPY- killed by insane gunman at a local McDonalds. DOC- was sued for malpractice, lived the rest of his life living under bridges and eating out of used cat food cans. SLEEPY- never woke up. BASHFUL- now a stripper with the Chippendales. MARY POPPINS- shot down over Iraqi airspace. CHRISTOPHER ROBIN- male prostitute, died of a heroin overdose. WINNIE THE POOH- had a heart attack caused by a cholesterol level of 570. PIGLET- gunned down in a mafia hit. EEYORE- committed suicide. TIGGER- accidentally bounced off the edge of a cliff. RABBIT- died of an aneurysm while watching over his garden. ROO- smothered to death by Kanga. KANGA- put to death by the state. ALICE (OF WONDERLAND)- institutionalised for life. THE MAD HATTER- died of mercury poisoning. DORMOUSE- drowned in a teapot. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS- guillotined during the revolution. TWEEDLEDEE & TWEEDLEDUM- died of excessive weight loss at a fat farm. SLEEPING BEAUTY- slept until 1986, contracted AIDS from "Prince Charming." CINDERELLA- killed by stepsisters and stepmother in a jealous rage. PINNOCCIO- is now a very comfortable Ottoman. JIMINY CRICKET- died after impacting a windshield at high speeds. FIGARO- strung tightly on a Les Paul guitar. DUMBO- sucked into the engine of a 747. PETER PAN- Christopher Robin's lover, committed suicide in despair. TINKERBELL- caught by some kid who forgot to punch holes in the lid. BAMBI- shot by NRA member with an AK-47. His body was never found. BALOO- is now decorating the floor in front of a fireplace. MOWGLI- (see HUEY, DEWEY & LOUIE) LADY & THE TRAMP- sold to a Cantonese resteraunt. 101 DALMATIONS- sold to the Ringling Bros. Circus, were eaten by lions. THE RESCUERS- involved in cancer research. TRON- someone pulled the plug out by accident. CAPTAIN EO- had a leak in his spacesuit. JESSICA RABBIT- backup singer for Guns 'N Roses. THE LITTLE MERMAID- caught by Mrs. Paul's Inc. ALADDIN- was caught stealing one too many times, is now being traded nightly at Leavenworth for a pack of menthols. ABU- shot into space by NASA We have even learned the fate of Michael Eisner himself. He was reportedly murdered by the ghost of Walt Disney, who had come to exact his revenge. So there you have it. You are now more enlightened as to the true fate of your favourite Disney characters. We hope you have enjoyed this little bit of information, and we hope you can use it to further enrich your life, as well as the lives of those around you. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The devil visited a young lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you," the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls and their children's souls must rot in hell for eternity." The lawyer thought for a moment and said, "What's the catch?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air- craft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn't break, it's likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight. The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer's chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab. They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Like many computer retailers, CompUSA is touting Windows 95 heavily. In a recent ad, however, the dialog between their two familiar radio person-ad-ities put it all in perspective... [...] "Before I got Windows 95 I was just another palooka going nowhere." "And what are you now?" "A palooka with Windows 95." [end of ad] Inspiring, isn't it? Seen on the billboard outside The Cecil, one of Vancouver's classier strip bars: "If you thought Win 95 was exciting, wait till you see sisters Shauna and Julia!" Seen on a sign, held up by a derelict person: "Will uninstall Windows 95 for food!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ARTERY The study of fine paintings BARIUM What you do when CPR fails CESARIAN SECTION A district in Rome COLIC A sheep dog COMA A punctuation mark CONGENITAL Friendly DILATE To live long FESTER Quicker G.I. SERIES Baseball games between teams of soldiers GRIPPE A suitcase HANGNAIL A coathook MEDICAL STAFF A doctor's cane MINOR OPERATION Coal digging MORBID A higher offer NITRATE Lower than day rate ORGANIC Church musician OUTPATIENT Person who has fainted POST-OPERATIVE A letter carrier PROTEIN In favor of young people SECRETION Hiding anything SEROLOGY Study of English knighthood TABLET A small table TUMOR An extra pair URINE Opposite of you're out VARICOSE VEINS Veins which are very close together BENIGN What you are after you be eight ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A Texan came Down Under for a holiday, and was being shown around one of the cattle stations in the Northern Territory. As they were driving along, the Texan pointed at a cow and asked what it was. The station owner said, "That's one of my prize Hereford heiffers." The Texan said, "Shoot! That one wouldn't even be weaned yet back in Texas!" A little while later, the Texan pointed at a ram and asked what it was. The station owner said, "That's one of my stud Merino rams." The Texan said, "Sheeoot! That ram is smaller than one of my new born lambs back in Texas!" By this time the station owner was pretty pissed off, and when the Texan saw a mob of kangaroos and asked what they were, The station owner replied, Grasshoppers...Incredibly LARGE grasshoppers... ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Q) What's the difference between an ambush and a 69 A) At least with a 69, you can see the cunt coming..... ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ What do you call 1 white guy surrounded by 3 black men? Victim. What do you call 1 white guy surrounded by 5 blacks? Coach. What do you call 1 white guy surrounded by 20 blacks? Quarterback. What do you call 1 white guy surrounded by 200 blacks? Warden. What do you call it when a white guy gets wings? Angel.. And what do you call it when a black guy gets wings? Bat! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Now that the metric system is in wide use world wide (except here in the US), it is time to change a few common phrases. . A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers . Put your best .3 of a meter forward . Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child . Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure. . Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.6 kilometers. . Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Getting even with the answering machine Lesson 48 Hi. I'm calling to make sure you received in the mail your free sample of the new chocolate candy made in San Francisco by transvestites - it's called a "He-She" Bar. CLICK ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ You know those little silver balls you put on cakes and cookies? Well... There was this family of three boys and a mom and they were all making christmas cookies when they accidentally spilled them all over the table. They decided that since they couldn't put them on the cake that they would eat them all up. Later that night the first boy wakes up and goes to mommie and says, "Mommie, mommie I pead a bebe." Mommie said, "Go back to bed." Later on in the night the second kid woke up and went to mommie and said, "Mommie, mommie, I pead a bebe." Mommie said, "Go back to bed." The third boy woke up and went to mommie. Mommie said, "I suppose you pead a bebe to right?" The boy said, "No mommie. I was jacking off when I shot the dog!" What's the new venereal disease that only affects foot fetishists? Athlete's tongue. Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. "Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other." Okay, you first," replied the other. That was the end of the discussion. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A minister and a lawyer were chatting at a party. "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked. "Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?" The minister replied, "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but I said instead 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The only good thing that the Internal revenue has not taxed is your pecker. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is pissed off, 20% of the time it is hard-up, and 10% of the time it is employed but it operates in a hole. However, it has two dependents and they are both nuts. Accordingly, after September 1, 1988 your pecker will be taxed on its size, using the 'pecker checker' scale below. Determine your category and insert the additional tax under "other taxes" page 2 part V, line c-1 of your standard income tax return (form 1040) PECKER CECKER SCALE 10" - 12" Luxury Tax $30.00 8" - 9" Hole Tax $25.00 6" - 7" Privilege Tax $15.00 4" - 5" Nuisance Tax $00.00 NOTE: anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund. do not apply for an extension Males with peckers in excess of 12" should file under "capital gains" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ True or False: 1. A clitoris is a type of flower. 2. A pubic hair is wild rabbit. 3. Spread eagle is a wild bird. 4. Vagina is the medical term to describe heart trouble. 5. A menstraul cycle has 3 wheels. 6. A G-string is part of a violin. 7. Semen is a term for sailors. 8. Anus is the Latin word for "yearly". 9. Testicles are found on an octopus. 10. Asphalt describles rectal troubles. 11. KOTEX is a radio station in College Station, TX. 12. Masterbate is used to catch large fish. 13. Coitus is a musical instrument. 14. Fetus is a character on "Gunsmoke". 15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. 16. A condom is a large apartment complex. 17. An orgasm is the person who accompanies the choir in church. 18. A diaphram is a drawing in pencil 19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. 20. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. 21. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass. 22. Pornography is the business of making records. 23. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. 24. Douche is the French word for "twelve". 25. An enema is someone who is not your friend. 26. Ovaries are a French egg dish made with cheese. 27. Scrotum is a small planet next to Uranus. 28. A vulva is a car from Sweden. 29. A fallopian tube is part of a tv set. 30. It is dangerous to have a wet dream under an electric blanket. 31. McDonald's golden arches is a phallic symbol. 32. Fellatio is an Italian dagger. 33. Cunnilingus is a person who can speak four languages. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ How about the little tree who tried to determine his parentage. He asked the wise old oak what kind of tree he was. "I don't know," the oak said, "if you're a son of a beech or a son of a birch, but I do know your mother was the greatest piece of ash in this forest." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A good-looking woman passed by this Indian and he raised his right hand and said, "Chance." The woman stopped for a moment, then said, "Wait a minute. I've read about Indians before, you're supposed to say 'How'." To which the indian replied, "I already know HOW lady, I just want a chance!" There was this Newfoundland priest hearing confessions when he had a sudden urge to take a piss. He didn't want to close down the confessionals so he decides to find someone to fill on for a couple of minutes while he relieves himself. He looks outside and there is a janitor standing there. The priest asks him if he will fill in for a few minutes. The janitor is reluctant because he doesn't know much about the job. The priest explains that people come in and confess, and you just read the chart on the wall, and give the appropriate pennance. The janitor agrees and the priest hurries off to the washroom. A guy comes in and confesses to the janitor that he has committed oral sex. The janitor looks at the chart, but the penalty for oral sex isn't on the list. He didn't know what to do, so he decided to ask someone. He looks outside and there is a choir boy standing there. The janitor says "What does the Father usually give for oral sex?". The choir boy replies "Usually just a bag of chips and a can of Coke." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Two young boys see a female playmate crying. One ask her why, and she tells him that she is mentrating for the first time and shows him her pad. He goes back to the other boy. "Well, why was she crying?" " You'd cry too if somebody cut off your balls." Q: What were Christ's last words to the Mexicans before he died? A: "Don't do anything until I come back..." A MAN WON A MILLION DOLLARS IN THE STATE LOTTERY HE GAVE $1000.00 TO EACH OF HIS THREE GIRLFRIENDS ONE SPENT ALL OF IT ON HERSELF ONE SPENT HALF ON HIM & HALF ON HERSELF THE LAST ONE INVESTED THE $1000.00 AND MADE $20000.00, SHE SPENT $1000.00 ON HERSELF, PAID BACK THE $1000.00 TO THE BOYFRIEND. WHICH ONE DID HE MARRY? THE ONE WITH THE BIG TITS!! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The twelve days of Christmas: 1st.DAY My dearest Darling John, I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree! What a truly delightful gift. Thank you 'Darling' for the lovely thought. With deep love & affection Your everloving Agnes! 2nd DAY My Dearest John, Today the postman brought your very sweet gift ---- Two Turtle Doves, I am Delighted. They are adorable! All my love, Your everloving Agnes! 3rd DAY Dearest John, Oh! How extravagent you are! I really must protest! I dont deserve such generosity! Three french hens I insist....you are too kind Your loving Agnes! 4th DAY Dearest John, The four calling birds that I received today are lovely, and should be good company for the hens, doves and partridges! I really must consider getting an aviary! Kind regards, Agnes! 5th DAY Dear John, What a surprise ... today the postman delivered Five Gold Rings!- One for every finger. You are really impossible, but I love you. Frankly though, all the birds are beginning to sqwark and get on my nerves! Regards Agnes! 6th DAY Dear Johnathon!, When I open the door this morning there were actually six bloody great geese laying eggs ALL over the porch! What in hell do you expect me to do with all of them?? The neighbors are beginning to complain and I can't sleep! PLEASE STOP!!!! Cordially Yours Agnes! 7th DAY JOHN! What is it with you and these rotten birds??? Now I get SEVEN SWANS ARE SWIMMING!!!!!!!!!! IS THIS SOME SORT OF A GODDAMMED JOKE????? The house is full of BIRD SHIT and IT IS NOT FUNNY ANY MORE!!! Stop sending these bloody Birds!!!!! Yours Agnes! 8th DAY O.K. BUSTER, I THINK I PREFER THE GODAMMED BIRDS.... WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH EIGHT BLOODY MAIDS-A-MILKING?????? AS IF IT WASNT ENOUGH WITH ALL THE F..KING BIRDS!! NOW I HAVE EIGHT COWS TO SHIT ALL OVER THE PLACE AND MOO ALL NIGHT....... AGNES! 9th DAY LOOK DICKHEAD! WHAT ARE YOU???? SOME KIND OF NUT???? NOW YOU SEND ME NINE PIPERS PLAYING AND THEY NEVER F..KING WELL STOP!!! WHEN THEY ARE NOT PLAYING THEIR BLOODY PIPES THEY KEEP CHASING THE MAIDS THROUGH THE COW SHIT. THE COWS KEEP MOOING AND TREADING ALL OVER THE BIRDS. THE NEIGHBORS ARE NOW THREATENING TO HAVE ME EVICTED...GET KNOTTED! AGNES! 10th DAY YOU ROTTEN BASTARD! NOW I HAVE TEN LADIES DANCING....HOW ON EARTH ANY ONE CAN CALL THE WHORES, "LADIES", IS BEYOND ME!! THEY SPEND ALL NIGHT PULLING THE BLOODY PIPERS!!! THE COWS HAVE DIARRHOEA AND CAN'T SLEEP. MY LIVING ROOM IS A SEA OF SHIT. THE LANDLORD HAS JUST DECLARED THE BUILDING UNFIT FOR HABITATION..MINE OR THE ANIMALS'!!! PISS OFF.... AGNES! 11th DAY LISTEN SHITFACE, WITH ELEVEN LORDS A-LEAPING ALL OVER THE MAIDS A-MILKING, WELL, WE SHALL NEVER WALK AGAIN!!!! THE PIPERS ARE FIGHTING THE LORDS FOR A BIT OF TIT AND COMITTING SODOMY WITH THE COWS!!! THE BIRDS HAVE ALL BEEN TRAMPLED TO DEATH AND ARE ROTTING IN THE SHIT HAVING BEEN TRAMPLED IN THE ORGY!! I HOPE YOU ARE SATISFIED ...YOU BASTARD!!!! YOUR SWORN ENEMY AGNES! 12th DAY YOU STINKING LOUSY P...K! THE TWELVE DRUMMERS DRUMMING HAVE TEAMED UP WITH THE ELEVEN LORDS A-LEAPING IN MAKING ONE HELL OF A RACKET. BOTH LOTS HAVE BEEN BUGGERING THE PIPERS AS WELL AS THE COWS.... AND WHO KNOWS WHAT HAPPENED TO THE MAIDS. THEY HAVE PROBABLY DROWNED IN THE COW SHIT BY NOW!!!! THE ONLY WAY I HAVE SAVED MYSELF IS TO LOCK MYSELF IN THE BATHROOM AND TO HIDE IN THE PEARTREE WHICH HAS NOW GROWN THROUGH THE ROOF! THEY GOT ME BEFORE I COULD GET THE DOOR LOCKED! I'M PREGNANT!!! YOU ROTTEN BASTARD! THANK GOD IT IS FINALLY CHRISTMAS..... AGNES! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A protestant moved into a completly Catholic comunity. Being good Catholics they welcomed him to their comunity. But, also because they were good Catholics they did not eat red meat on Fridays. So, when their neighbor, receiving his paycheck on Fridays, began barbequuing some juicy steak, they began to squirm. They were so annoyed that they went to talk to him about it. After much talk they conviced him to become Catholic. The next Sunday he went to the priest and the priest sprinkled holy water on him and said : You were born Protestant - You were raised Protestant - But now you are Catholic. And so, the next Friday, the neighbors sat down to eat fish and were disturbed by the smell of roast beef from the neighboring house. They went over to talk to the new Catholic because he new he was not supposed to eat beef on Fridays. When they saw him, he was sprinlking catchup on the beef saying : You were born a cow - You were raised a cow - But now you are fish. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Q. Whats a platonic relationship??? A. A relationship between a guy who *WANTS* to have sex and a girl who DOESNT! Q. Whats red and white and falls down the chimmney??? A. Santa Klutz!!!! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Three guys die and goto hell because of their perverse actions when they were alive. They meet with the devil and he strikes them a deal,"I'll let you go to heaven if you can walk 100 stories of stairs without getting a hard-on." These guys think it's a breeze. The only problem is that on every landing is a naked lady. So the fist guy takes his shot and doesn't even make it past the first stair and already pops a rod. The Devil asks "Well, what did your father do for a living?" The man replied "He was a Carpenter" so the devil takes a saw and saws his dick off. The next guy goes and makes it to the 49th floor, but can take it any more and up she goes. The devil asks" Well, what did YOUR father do fo a living?" The man replies "He was a butcher" so out comes the cleaver and he has no more dick. The third guy gives it a shot but at the 59th floor he can't hold out anymore. He starts laughing and the devil asks why. He says "my dad was a lollipop maker and you have to suck my dick off!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Mrs. Van Horn inherited Penrod, a parrot that swore. After several embarrassing experiences (which will not be featured on this board), she told her minister about the problem. "I have a female parrot who is a saint," he said. "She sits on her perch and prays all day. Bring your parrot over. Mine'll be a good influence." The woman brought Penrod to the minister's home. When the cages were placed together, Penrod cried, "Hi baby! Hows about a little lovin'?" "Great!" replied the female parrot. "Thats just what I've been prayin' for!." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The Night Before Christmas 'Twas the night before Christmas, when all thru the shed, All creatures were stirring, even Old Ed. The Bodies were hung from the rafters above, While Eddie was searching for another new love. He went to Wautoma for a Plainfield deal, Looking for love and also a meal. When what to his hungry eyes should appear, But old Mary Hogan in her new red brassiere. Her eyes how the twinkled, ever so gay And her dimples, oh how merry were they. Her cheeks were like roses when kissed by the sun, And she let out a scream at the sight of Ed's gun. Old Ed pulled the trigger and Mary fell dead, He took his old axe and cut off her head. He then took his hacksaw and cut her in two, One-half for hamburger, the other for stew. And laying a hand aside of her heel, Up to the rafters went his next meal. He sprang to his truck to the graveyard he flew, The hours were short and much work he must do. He looked for the grave where the fattest one laid, and started in digging with shovel and spade. He shoveled, and shoveled and shoveled some more, 'Till finally he reached the old coffin door. He took out his crowbar and pryed open the box, He was not only clever, but sly as a fox. As he picked up the body and cut off her head, He could tell by the smell that the old girl was dead. He filled in the grave by the moonlight above, And once more Old Ed had found a new love. He let out a yell as he drove out of sight, If I don't get caught, I'll be back tomorrow night. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The Pedagological Tribal System of Primitive Cultures of the Scientific Research Community This study deals with a pedagological tribal system with definite, almost overwhelming paternalistic mores and codes. I had had some difficulty studying these tribes because they are quite fierce and often impossible to communicate with except in their own languages, which are diverse and may have roots in latin. (I, however, tend to hold that these languages are a development of the tribes themselves and are a major contributory factor in their continued isolation from the global community.) In general, members also appear to have little ability to learn new languages. To overcome these barriers, I am attempting to infiltrate a tribe and become a full-fledged member of it. I am currently undergoing initiation rites in a southeastern tribe called "Physiology and Pharmacology". This is a preliminary report of my current findings. The adult males of any of the tribes which can be grouped under the broad designation "researchers" are called "professors" and sometimes "doctors". The terms are not entirely interchangeable as the higher ranking males are always referred to as "doctor" whereas "professor" is a more generic term for all adult males who have completed any variation of the initiation process which is called "graduate school". There are two groups of females in this culture, one group is granted low ranking status as a quasi-male with responsibilities similar to the very low-ranking males. They are referred to as "professors" also, but are never actually allowed to progress beyond certain set heirarchial levels. This group is not often granted reproductive status. The second group of females could be classified as sub-adult, as they are never granted any of the rights of the full adult, which is, of course, always male or quasi-male. They are termed "professor's wives" and may only assume any status through the male to whom they are attached and by telephone calls to secretaries. The phone calling privilege is unique to the "professor's wife" and is *never* usurped. Interestingly, offspring of these unions are not acknowledged within the culture and leave the tribe upon reaching adolescence. Reproduction is quite unusual and very interesting! The tribes call this "recruitment". Several select members of the tribe, usually middle-ranking males and even a few quasi-male females travel to distant tribes called "undergraduate colleges" where they put on quite lovely displays and make generous offers to the neonates from the "undergraduate colleges". This is similar to courtship in some cultures, but is directed at procuring neonates. The neonates put on a secondary display for the professors of their choosen tribe, wherein they accept the wonderous offers. These are very intricate dances, and only the best research tribes and neonates are successful. Once the new tribe members have arrived at their new tribe, however, initiation may take anywhere from four to seven years. I have seen examples of initiates being subjected to trials for eight years! This does vary somewhat, but the general rule is an extrordinarily long and quite demanding set of incomprehensible tests that the candidates for initiation must perform well on. These are similar to the tribes of Africa who have to walk on hot coals in bare feet or draw elaborate scars on all parts of their bodies. The actual trials are called "preliminary exams" "qualifying exams" and, of course the dreaded "dissertation defense" rite. Unfortunatly, I have not yet been made privy to all the inuendos of this final rite. Although I have been allowed to watch during several. I was actually required to watch this horrible test of human ability to withstand the agony of hours of questions in very highly ceremonial language, many words of which I am not yet informed. The medicine man of the tribe changes for each different initiate. He is called the "major professor", possibly referring to his power during the rite of passage. The power of the medicine man is reflected on the initiate and will follow him through his entire adult life. These tribes have not yet been well characterized. This is understandable in light of the extreme reclusivity and exclusivity of all of the research tribes I have encountered. Yet this should not preclude further in-depth analysis of a truly unique way of life. I shall continue work within my present tribe in hopes of becoming a full fledged member, as it were, and of coming to full understanding of this culture. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Many people think that the concepts and ideas that they read about typical SF story are derived from the imagination of the writer. How do you know this? Many of the things I have read about would require an imagination that borders on mental illness. Are these writers producing autobiographies, thinly disguised as science fiction? Just in case, I present here a brief guide, to help you in the event that something you have read about actually happens to you. What to do ... 1. If you get a phone call from Mars. Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly. Limit your vocabulary to simple words. Try to determine if you are speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary citizen. Q. What if he or she doesn't speak English? Hang up. There's no sense in trying to learn Martian over the phone. If your Martian really had something important to say to you, he or she would have taken the trouble to learn the language before calling. 2. If you get a phone call from Jupiter? Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from Jupiter, he or she is not `life as we know it'. Try to terminate the conversation as soon as possible. It will not profit you. 3. If a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your backyard? First of all, do not run after your camera. You will not have any film. Be polite. Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive, they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude. Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably wanted to land, anyway. A good road map should help. 4. If you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your closet contains an alternate dimension? Don't go in. You almost certainly will not be able to get back, and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun. Remain calm and go back to bed. Check your closet in the morning. If it still contains an alternate dimension, nail it shut. 5. If reality disappears? Hope this one doesn't happen to you. There is not much you can do about it. It can be quite unpleasant. 6. If you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you? Follow the books on this one. Ask about the stock market and cash in. Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and visit your younger self before you die, or you will create a paradox. I hope this guide will be of help to you, should you find yourself confronted with any of the situations described. If anything like the above should happen to you, get out your typewriter, and crank out a story. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ HOW THE POLITICALLY CORRECT BRIGADE WOULD RETITLE OUR FAVORITE SONGS IF THEY GOT THEIR HANDS ON THEM 1. 'Emotionally Well-Developed, Non-Adult Person Towards Whom I Have an Unhealthy Possessive Attitude' - Guns 'N' Roses (Sweet Child of Mine) 2. 'World War Two Pilot Who Terminally Inconvenienced At Least Five Non- Mutual Pilots, with Melanin Enriched Characteristics' - Motorhead (Ace of Spades) 3. 'My Male Phallic Repressive Organ - Chuck Berry' (My Ding-A-Ling) 4. 'Undergone the Birthing Experience with Accompanying Trauma Only to Develop Modes and Customs Deemed Unacceptable by Society' - Steppenwolf (Born to be Wild) 5. 'Non-Sexually Specific Object with Strong Naturalistic Tendencies' - The Troggs (Wild Thing) 6. 'The Academically Challanged Person on the Hill' - The Beatles (The Fool on the Hill) 7. 'I believe, in My Typically Heterosexualist Male Way, that I Have Possessive Rights Over This Particular Person of Female Gender' - Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson (This Girl is Mine) 8. 'Posterially Challenged Persons of the Female Gender' - Queen (Fat- Bottomed Girls) 9. 'She Wears Indigenous Ethnic Apparel' - Guy Mitchell (She Wears Red Feathers and a Hooly-Hooly Skirt) 10. 'Female Parent, Your Offsprings Are All Emotionally Challenged at Present' - Slade (Mama, We're All Crazee Now) ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A young doctor moved into a new community and set up practice. He proudly put up his sign which read, "Dr. J. Jones, specialist in hemorrhoids and homosexuals." The ladies of the town didn't really take too kindly to his sign and asked him to remove it. He did, and replaced it with a sign which read, "Dr. J. Jones, specialist in queers and piles." This time it was the city fathers who stormed his office and demanded he remove the offensive sign. Thoroughly frustrated, he worked all night and prepared his third sign which very nicely read, "Dr. J. Jones, specialist in odds and ends." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ B-2, or not B-2: That is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous expense, Or to take arms against a sea of deficits, And by opposing end them. To cut; to spend; No more; and by a cut to say we end the heartache and a thousand cost overruns That B-2 is heir to. 'Tis a consummation Devoutly to be wished. To cut; to spend; To spend? Perchance stretch-out! Ay, there's the rub; For in those stretch-outs what new overruns may come, When we have shuffled off deciding, Must give us pause. There's the respect That makes calamity of delay. For would stealth bear the whips and scorns of time, The lack of mission, the untried technology, The great expense, the inevitable delays, The excessive secrecy, and the cuts That must be made for Gramm-Rudman target's sake. When we ourselves might today stealth's termination make With a bare majority. Who would new tax burdens bear, To pay its $70 billion price tag, When the dread of a turkey worse than B-1, A flying bat-winged bomber whose cost per pound, Is that of gold, puzzles the mind And makes us rather keep those bombers that we now have Than fly to others that we know not of? Thus conscience should make cautious legislators of us all; And thus the hue of B-2 boosterism Must be replaced with the sober cast of thought, And this enterprise of great pith and moment, Be halted now before it further proceeds, A handsome bomber yes, but better Not to be. Statement by Rep. Edward J. Markey, D-MA, to the House of Representatives, against the B-2 stealth bomber, July 26. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A finanicial magnate was on his death bed. He was under an Oxygen tent. At his side stood his loyal subordinate, tears streaming down his face. "Do not grieve," whispered the expiring tycoon, with considerable effort. "I want you to know that I appreciate your faithful services to me over the years. I am leaving you my money, my plane, my estates, my yacht... everything I have." "Thank you sir" cried the subordinate. "You have always been so good to me all these years. If only there were something I could do for you in these last moments." There is ... There is." gasped the half-dead man. "Then tell me what it is," implored the faithful servant, "tell me!" "Stop pressing your foot so hard on the oxygen li....!" the dying man managed to utter. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ