ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ· ³ º ³ H - M A I L 1 3 . T X T º ³ º ÔÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍͼ Ho-hum... more jokes, more humour, more stories, more quips, more quotes, more fun, more laughter, more insanities, more real stories, more lists, more anecdotes, more garbage, and I need more sleep! Title: H-MAIL13.TXT File size: 200,066 bytes Date: 22-09-95 [Standard advert] All H-MAIL?? files are available at ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ³ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ ³ ³ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ ³ ³ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ ³ ³ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ ³ ³ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ ³ ³ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ ³ ³ ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ³ ³ The HMVH Corporation ³ ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ Bulletin Board System [+27 11] (011) 941-1341 USR V.34/V.fc (24 Hours) ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ An elderly gentleman goes to his doctor for a check-up. The doctor says, "you know, for a 74-year-old you are really in good health. So tell me, how old was your father when he died?" "Did I say he died?" "Please excuse me," says the doctor, "how old is he?" "Well, he's 95." "And how old was your grandfather when he died?" the doctor asked. "Did I say he died?" "Oh! Excuse me," says the doctor, "and how old is he?" "Well . . . he's 114, and he's getting married this weekend." "Now why would a 114-year-old man want to get married?" asked the doctor. "Did I say he wanted to get married?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Unsolved Mysteries of Anatomy Where can a man buy a cap for his knee, Or the key to a lock of his hair? Can his eyes be called an academy Because there are pupils there? Is the crown of your head where jewels are found? Who travels the bridge of your nose? If you wanted to shingle the roof of your mouth, Would you use the nails on your toes? Can you sit in the shade of the palm of your hand Or beat on the drum of your ear? Can the calf in your leg eat the corn off your toe? Then why not grow corn on the ear? Can the crook in your elbow be sent to jail? If so, just what did he do? How can you sharpen your shoulder blades? I'll be darned if I know -- do you? Anon ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ H O W T O P I S S O F F Y O U R G I R L F R E I N D 1. Keep telling her she's not *that* fat. 2. Introduce her to your friends as your little "Suckslut" 3. Insist that she whore herself to buy you an expensive gift. 4. Brag about her blowjob skills to her father. 5. Tell her you can only get aroused if she bleats like a sheep. 6. Replace her birth control pills with laxatives. 7. Insist on drinking out of her diaphragm at the dinner table. 8. Shave her cat. 9. Rape her cat. 10. Say that if she *really* loved you, she would wipe your butt after each bowel movement. Even while you're at work. 11. Call out her brother/father's name during sex. 12. Tell her you are into group golden showers. 13. Suggest lesbian sex with her sister. 14. Dig her used tampons out of the garbage and return them to her. 15. Have her be the only girl at a "Three Stooges" marathon. 16. Lock the toilet seat in an upright position. 17. Pretend to go down on her, then cough up some dead flies (NOTE: requires prop dead flies). 18. Urinate in her mouth and innocently say "at least it wasn't cum!" 19. After each sexual act, lean back and sigh "I've had better..." 20. Buy her nothing but sleazy sex toys on every holiday. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The (NJ) Record, 7/14/95, p. A16. "Man's `Missing Wife' Turns Out To Be A Man" Bountiful, Utah -- A missing-person report filed by a husband anxious about his wife uncovered the shocking truth: the "wife" was actually a man who is accused of taking the husband for $40,000 during their 3 1/2 year marriage. Felix Urioste is in jail on $20,000 bail on fraud charges, and Bruce Jensen is confused, embarrased and broke. Jensen told police he didn't know his wife was a man until officers convinced him. "I feel pretty stupid," Jensen, 39, told the Standard-Examiner of Ogden. The deception unraveled when Urioste, 34, was arrested in Las Vegas for using 33 credit cards that were fraudulently obtained in the names of Bruce and Leasa Jensen and others. Prosecutor Bill MGuire said Jensen was "just incredibly naive." "You've got a situation where a guy didn't have a normal marriage," he said. "The victim is just a really nice guy." Authorities siad Urioste was able to pull off the deception because he looked like a woman and because Jensen never saw him naked. The couple got married when Urioste told Jensen he was pregenant with twins after a single sexual encounter in 1991, McGuire said. The prosecutor said Jensen married Urioste out of a sense of responsiblity, and the marriage was basically celibate. Several months after the mariage, Urioste told him the twins were stillborn and also falsely claimed he had cancer. Jensen is seeking an annulment, citing irreconcilable differences. It ripped me up pretty good," he said. "It trashes you out to believe everything a person says and find out they lied to you on basically 100 percent of it." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Teacher: "It's true, you *can* catch AIDs from a toilet seat." Pupil: "No way, how do you figure?" Teacher: "You can catch it if the other guy doesn't get up first!" The television factory boosted quality control with a small sign above each work station. It read: "Careful...this may be the one you get." ........ Customer: Golly gee, if these machines are sold way under cost like you state they are, how do you make a living?" Salesman: "Simple....we make our money fixing them." A sergeant bawled out a rookie. "Did you watch all the exits like I told you to?" "Yup," the rookie answered. "I think he must have left by one of the entrances!" Cleona and her son, attending a wedding, were asked by the usher if they were on the groom's side or the bride's side. Her son was shocked. "Are they taking sides already?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ I understand that you are a new blonde and have probably heard your share of blonde jokes. With this in mind I'd share the following story. A blonde friend of mine was getting real tired of hearing blonde jokes. She decided to do something about it. In order to prove that not all blondes were stupid she spend a couple of days studying a United States map and memorized the capitols for all of the states. The next time she was with a group of people and someone started to tell a blonde joke. "Hey", she said, "not all blondes are stupid and I can prove it. Give the name of any state and I'll tell you it's capital." "Vermont", someone called out. "V", she replied with a smile. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ FROM THE CLASSIFIEDS 2 female Boston terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555- 1234. Leave mess. Great dames for sale. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Wanted. Widower with school-aged children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family. Semi-annual after-Christmas sale. And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first! Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person. Auto Repair Service. Free pickup and delivery. Try us once; you'll never go anywhere again. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: EXON ME BABY! she cried, as I licked her hot wet Gorton. (fwd) From: scottr@hevanet.com (Scott Rainey) Date: 4 Jul 1995 09:28:10 -0700 An Extremely Immodest Proposal. [Note: Free distribution and editing of this text is encouraged, provided no person attempts to claim copyright] "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances." - The Constitution of the United States When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for a people to ridicule the political authorities which have governed their society, and to assume among the other adults of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should do so in as effective and humorous a fashion as possible. The Communications Decency Act of 1995 (as yet unpassed by the House) attempts to limit any electronic communication which is obscene, lewd or lascivious. Reportedly initiated out of a desire to prevent graphic pornography from polluting the tender minds of youth, this Act potentially renders any US citizen electronically using "filthy" language liable to up to $100,000 and/or two years in jail. We can but concede to the wisdom of the Senators involved in sponsoring, since it is obvious that they know better than the users of the Internet what is and is not acceptable language. The reduction of electronic communication to a level acceptable in a nursery playground must be hailed as a giant step forward, and protests about First Amendment rights must go unheard in the wave of righteous anger at the thought that minors allowed free access to the Net may hear certain words. Yet, we find ourselves in a dilemma. The words banned by this Act are useful, in that they convey a wealth of information and meaning which would be sorely missed in electronic communication. Passionate email flirtations would be greatly cooled by the inability to be specific, and a prohibition on expressing their fevered rantings will ensure the more juvenile Usenetters develop ulcers well before their time. Moreover, simple substitution cannot be acceptable. When it is obvious from context what word a cipher stands for, that cipher is endowed with the same meaning and implications as the original word. In the absence of any compelling reason to keep the substitute in the public sphere, the good Senators attempting to help us will surely consider these substitutes equally obscene. Thus, in the spirit of Robert Anson Wilson, we suggest that substitute words be found which convey these necessary meanings, and yet which those politicians working tirelessly to protect the public good cannot consider obscene. Happily, such words exist. In the event of the Communications Decency Act being passed, we urge all people wishing to use electronic communications, but forced to limit their language and thus risk confusion, to consider using the following list of substitute words, which we feel the Senators involved will be reluctant to ban or censor: Byrd: Noun: The posterior or hinder parts, specifically the anus. Coats: Noun: Excrement, or as a verb to excrete. Exon: Verb: To copulate with, the act of copulation. Gorton: Noun: The female genitals, or specifically the vagina. Gramm: Verb: To orgasm. Also colloquially used as a noun. Heflin: Noun: The female secondary sexual characteristics. Helms: Noun: The male phallus. An example of this usage might be as follows: "Exon me!", she cried, as I licked her hot wet Gorton. She writhed under my teasing tongue as her Gramm washed over her, her juices pouring out. I moved up to suck and nibble her Heflins, only to have her clutch my Byrd, and drive my aching Helms into her waiting Gorton. "Coats!", she said, "We're being quoted in a political text!" In closing, we'd like to thank Senators Exon and Gorton for their sterling work in attempting to clean up the Internet. We hope that this immodest proposal will let them know just how much we appreciate it, and that they should rest assured that we will do our part in making sure their names are never forgotten. Author uncertain. thought to be: Fred Jacobowitz or Pyrophage bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic) Steve Simmons ncr02!ncr02!bprice@ucs01.attmail.com ("Price, Becca") crone-owner quirke_a@ix.wcc.govt.nz. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Danny took his Social Security check to the bank for deposit. As he stood and waited in the long line, he inadvertently began to nervously fold and unfold his check. When it finally came his turn at the teller's window, he handed the girl his ruffled check. She practically scolded him saying, "Sir, can't you read this check? It says, `Do not fold, spindle, or mutilate.'" "So?" replied Danny. "Well," said the teller, "You shouldn't do that. The government doesn't like it." That's when Danny looked her straight in the eye and replied, "Well, the government does a lot of things I don't like, too!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A friend passed along the following article, recently published in our local newspaper, addressed to Dear Abby: Dear Abby: The letter signed "Computer Widow" grabbed my attention because I, too, am a computer widow. My husband, "Erik," is at work now, so I'm writing this on his computer. But when he's home, his computer is his first love. I refer to it as "Belle Packard...the other woman." Erik spends more money on her than he spends on me, and she gets a lot more attention than I do. But I'm not complaining. At least I know where he is and what he's doing. When he's gazing fondly into the monitor of his sweet Belle, he's not out chasing women and bringing home God-knows-what, or sitting in a bar somewhere. The old saying, "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em" is my motto, so I reminded Erik that I am "computer-challenged," and asked him to teach me something about his first love. (He was thrilled. I've learned a lot, and I'm no longer intimidated by "Belle." I suspect that "Computer Widow" has some deeper problems, but I also think a little less nagging would improve the situation. The more you harp, the more they shut you out. (This is my second marriage, and I learned a lot from my first one.) Erik and I are very happy together, and he does spend time with me. But I also understand that he needs time alone as much as I do, so we give each other that space when it's needed. I married my best friend, so if he spends a little too much time with "Belle"....so what? I wouldn't trade him for the world. (Signed) Computer Widow in Virginia Abby's response....... Dear Computer Widow: Obviously, you are sufficiently secure in your marriage to be comfortable with your husband's pursuing his own interests. You are to be commended for your realistic and healthy attitude. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ When Ralph returned home one evening, his wife Ruth told him that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two towels. "Oh," said Ralph, who was tired from a busy day and more interested in reclining on the sofa to watch TV. He did mumble, "That sure wasn't very nice." Ruth came back with, "That's a true statement, and they were the two best towels we had....you remember the ones we got from the Hilton Hotel while we were on vacation." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Customer: Waiter Waiter, there's a button on my potato. Waiter: Well you did ask for a jacket potato. Customer: Waiter Waiter, there's a fly in my wine. Waiter: Well you did ask for wine with body in it. Customer: Waiter Waiter, do you have frog's legs? Waiter: Yes sir, this is the very finest of French Restaurants. Customer: Well hop over to the kitchen and get me a plate of egg and chips. Customer: Waiter Waiter, there is a bee in my soup. Waiter: Yes sir, it is the fly's day off. Customer: Waiter Waiter, there is a Spider in my soup. Waiter: Yes sir, I put it there to catch the fly. Customer: Waiter Waiter, there is a fly in my soup. Waiter: Shhhhhh! Or everyone will want one! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ This morning, the local paper had a photo of the American astronauts presenting the Russian Cosmonauts a Houston Rockets T-Shirt. I can just hear the Cosmonauts when they get home: "I spent four months in space, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A woman was getting married for the fourth time and went to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor was astonished to discover that she was still a virgin. The bride to be explained: "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. My third husband was in construction and he just kept telling me he'd get around to it in a few weeks. But THIS husband is guaranteed! He's a lawyer!" (And everybody knows that lawyers ALWAYS screw their clients!) ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ 20 Ways to know you're a BBS addict 1. When your youngster saw the cover art for "So Much Modem Madness" he/she yell out "DA DA"? 2. Is your idea of family quality time a tour of Bell Labs? 3. No matter what baud modem you own, (even 28.8k) do you wish you had one that was faster? 4. Has your wife or girlfriend ever left for more than 3 days and you didn't even know they were gone? 5. Is your phone bill so large it gets delivered by UPS? 6. Have you ever left tearful announcements on Long-distance BBSs telling everyone you couldn't afford to call anymore, then kept checking back see if anyone had responded? 7. Has your phone company sent you hand written thank-you notes? 8. When you return from vacation, do you get a call from your phone company asking if everything is all right? 9. Have you ever cancelled a date cause he/she wants a late night dinner when the phone rates are lowest? 10. Do you call during the morning hours, knowing the rates are the highest with the excuse that "at least I will be able to get on?" 11. Do you own a back-up generator so you can run your computer even the power company can't? 12. Have you ever logged on to a BBS, and then realized you didn't know City, State, or Country it was in? 13. Can you log onto a BBS, Browse, and log off without ever having to turn the monitor on? 14. Are the words ON LINE burnt into your monitor screen? 15. Do you know more about what is going on in the lives of the people the BBS community than you do about the people you live with? 16. Does your hard drive contain more files than any of the BBSs you call? 17. Do you compete with others to be the #1 user on every BBS you call? 18. Have you ever called a BBS at 4:00am, found it was offline, then call the sysop just in case they didn't know? 19. Do you page sysops into chat, even though you see the message 'sysop unavailable' again and again, because you think that maybe they will an exception for you? 20. Are you late for work/school in the morning because you insist on answering all 235 netmail messages you've received? ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Here are a few genuine news bloopers gleaned from American newspapers. These were taken from an article by Richard Lederer, author of "Anguished English". * On behalf of Barbara Rutledge and her family, our sincere thanks go out to those sending flowers, cards and contributing to the death of her husband. * The airplane was only a few feet from the ground when it crashed, witnesses said. * With the exception of victimless crimes (which need not concern us here), every single crime committed in this nation of ours involves a victim. * A purple lady's bicycle was missing from Serendipity Lane recently. * Chairman Billings asked Board members to muster support from parent-teacher groups to support the governor's task force on driving while intoxicated. * He hasn't even had his day in court yet, but Simon Wynne has been kicked off the ESU basketball team after being arrested and accused of driving a parked car while intoxicated. * Montreal police don't hesitate to use whatever laws, regulations or persuasion they feel they need to control morality in the city and prevent it from getting a foothold. * A college friendship that began a year ago ended in matrimony yesterday. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The Brewers were entertaining guests for the afternoon and dinner. Young Christy Brewers was on her best behavior. However, the minute the guests left she became disobedient. Christy's mother asked, "Why are you being so naughty right now? You were such a lovely little girl while our guests were here." "Why, Mother," answered Christy, "you don't use your company silver all the time, do you?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Have you seen *all* of these before? I hadn't. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key Buy a Pentium/90 so you can reboot faster. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features. C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding The name is Baud......, James Baud. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go! Access denied--nah nah na nah nah! C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay.. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!" As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope) Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups. E Pluribus Modem File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny (HEY!!!) A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)? Does fuzzy logic tickle? A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord. 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium. 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence? Disinformation is not as good as datinformation. Windows: Just another pane in the glass. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . . Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk? Ultimate office automation: networked coffee. RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure. Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS... All computers wait at the same speed. DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors. Press