ŚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ· ³ ŗ ³ H - M A I L 1 2 . T X T ŗ ³ ŗ ŌĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶ¼ They just keep on coming... here's Volume 12! Title: H-MAIL12.TXT File size: 200,371 bytes Date: 15-09-95 [Standard advert] All H-MAIL?? files are available at ŚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄæ ³ ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ³ ³ ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ³ ³ ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ³ ³ ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ³ ³ ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ³ ³ ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ³ ³ ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ³ ³ The HMVH Corporation ³ ĄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄŁ Bulletin Board System [+27 11] (011) 941-1341 USR V.34/V.fc (24 Hours) ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ An old lady went to a top painter in her town and asked him to paint a very striking painting for her tea party coming up next month! He said sure but no one can look at it till it is done... Well the painter went to the house to start and was at it for the whole month... The day of the tea time came around and there were at least 80 old ladies and gentlemen at the showing... The painter took hold of the rope and called out that this was Custers last words! He pulled the rope revealing a huge wall mural of General Custer sitting on top of a hill buck naked on a cow with a halo over its head! Looking at a valley that had a whole bunch of naked indians screwing... The caption on the bottom of the painting was... HOLY COW! Lookit' all the fucking indians! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ This was sent by a fellow department member, Roger your a funny guy: --------------------------------------------------------------------------- > We can discuss how we want to group people at next Tuesday's department > meeting. Dave, I have a few suggestions about how to group people when we get to building 045. Specifically, they have to do with office space, lab space, and Miscellaneous Business Regions (MBR's). -Roger Building 045 +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ |/ \| | 1 | | ___________________________________________________________ | | / \ | | | | | | | | | | | More Individual Office Space | | | | | | | |____________________________ _________________ | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | 13 | | 14 | | | | | | | | | | | |-------------=============== |================= | | | |__________ | | | | | | | |~~~~~~~~~| | + + |_____+____| | | |~~~~6~~~~| | 7 + + 8 | | | | |~~~~~~~~~| | | | | | | | |_________|__|______________| |________________| ======= | |(stairs) | + ======= | | 5 + 4 + 3 ===2=== | |____________|_______________ _________________| ======= | |~~~~~~~~~| | | | | ======= | |~~~~~~~~~| | | | |_____+____| | | |~~~~~~~~~| | 9 | | 10 |__+_| |___| | | |---------+ | | | |__+_| |___| | | |____________|______________| |________________|__+_| |___| | | |__|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_| |_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_| |___| | | |___________________________ 12 ________________________\11 | | | \_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|______|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|/ | | | | | | | +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ 1) Mountain Biking Trail/Jogging Trail Just inside the building, set partway into the basement (aka, first floor) will be the mountain biking/jogging trail. This will consist of a challenging biking trail taking up most of the perimeter, with a small raised and smoothed jogging trail for those who prefer less jarring exercise (and who aren't properly equipped with mountain biking gear). 2) Raised Bridge and Weapons Locker The raised bridge slopes gently over the biking trail. It is decorated with wildflower gardens and a few dwarf banana trees which bear edible fruit. Because real Texans never go anywhere without their sidearms, but IBM prefers not to have weapons on premises, IBM will provide the gentle compromise of weapons lockers where IBMers may use their badges to gain access to firearms in case of attack by hostile forces. 3) Coffee Shop A quiet coffee shop with glass-topped tables and a floor tiled in IBM Beige #7, the "Shoppe 45", as it shall be called, will sell coffee, newspapers, and croissants in a relaxed atmosphere softened with only the very best of the Top 40 Elevator Music. 4) Access Corridor The wide, spacious access corridor will leave plenty of room for equipment to move into and out of the building. 5) Locker Room Employee lockers (painted IBM Beige #8) will grace the walls of this demure yet elegant locker room. Showers are at the north and south ends of the room, while a stairway leads down to the pool and patio. 6) Pool and Patio The cool, refreshing Olympic-length swimming pool (with IBM-provided lifeguards) serves as a centerpiece to this elegant patio area. Waiters will provide drinks and LAN maintenance to IBMers. Workstations will be stationed around the pool on the patio, one to a table. As is proper, waiters will speak only French. 7) The Wall Street Room Workstations here will be centered around a continous stock feed, with direct satellite connections to the major brokerage firms provided via the PyraSpin (tm) software. Hardware space will be in the north part of the room; software will be in the south part. 8) Microbrewery Hard-working employees can take a few moments to relax here at IBM's very own microbrewery. Complete with the very finest in fresh-brewed beer and peanuts, the microbrewery will be the office location of choice for the discriminating beer drinker. Workstations will be scattered throughout the entire room and users will rotate occasionally to other Beer Regions. Beer taps will be painted a hearty IBM Beige #4. 9) Blues Room Live blues music will be provided by The IBM Blues, a local Austin music group with the very best references. Every thing in the room, from the coarse panelling (painted a dreary IBM Beige #13) to the unfinished floor (IBM Beige #11) will reflect IBM's sorrows and the downside of IBM life. Development on NT and Intel platforms will take place here. Smoking in the Blues Room is not optional; it is *required*. 10) Petting Zoo IBM's large collection of scapegoats will be quartered here so that other IBM'ers can visit them, gawk, and feel sorry for them. Feel free to feed the animals- it's your zoo! 11) Private Offices For those individuals who simply aren't comfortable working on the patio (or in the Pool Room or the New York Room), private offices provide the ideal locale for getting lots of work done. Each spacious 12x12 office is carpetted in gentle IBM Beige #9 and provided with brass fixtures, cherrywood panelling, and fine oak desks. A must for the serious engineer, these offices provide the comfort and privacy necessary for the most difficult and tiring of work. 12) Managers Suites Managers sometimes require privacy in their dealings with employees, so the managers offices cannot be one simple room large. Indeed, each manager's office is actually a two-room suite (not including a small private powder room) with all of the amenities- from a wet bar to a well-stocked refrigerator. Working's never been easier than it is in these luxury suites. Small pets ok. 13) IBM SurroundCinema 3000 Become part of the movie! Sit down with a tub of popcorn and watch the latest, most exciting releases from Hollywood. Be chased by giant dinosaurs and surrounded by their roars watching some of the most profitable movies of all time, all in the spirit of assessing the competition's workstations. 14) Sauna Room Be a part of the team testing IBM's mobile computers in jungle environments. Bring your beeper and your ThinkPad into the Sauna Room. Everything from the relaxing steam to the slick walls is designed to make you feel more relaxed and easy in your testing, and all are finished in the very finest IBM Beige #2. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Know what a redneck divorce and a tornado have in common? Before it's over, somebody's gonna lose a trailer. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ This joke is probably on of the best which I ever read on relcom.humor (Russian newsgroup). Unfortunately i do not remember the name of the original poster. I took some freedom in translating it into English in order to make it more understandable to English-speaking auditory. A line of Russian soldiers stands in front of a huge rectangular hole in the ground. Sergant commands:- "Private Ivanov!" - "Yes, sir." - "Stand like this:" O _|______ | | | | | | | | | | | | | | -"Jump!!" The soldier jumps into the hole. The sergant commands again: - "Private Pyetrov!!" - "Yes, sir!" - "Stand like this:" | | O \ -|-| | | | | \-\ | | | | | | -" Yes, sir!" -" Jump!" The soldier jumps and falls into the hole. The sergant commands again: -" Private Sidorov!!" -" Yes, sir!" _" Stand like this:" O |-|-| | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | -" Yes, sir!" At this point a car with a colonel arrives to that place. Colonel, very angry, comes up to the sergant and tells him: "Comrad sergant, how many times do I have to tell you: STOP PLAYING TETRIS WITH THE SOLDIERS!!!!!!!!!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ I'm looking for some good (funny) answering machine messages. Can anyone help me out here? ------------------------------------------------------------------ You married people out there try this one out: When the phone rings and they ask to speak to your wife, tell them "Just a minute", then set the phone down for a few seconds. When you pick the phone back up, tell them that your wife is in the shower with your brother and can't make it to the phone right now. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Space, The final frontier. Or so we thought until we encountered this planet! Stardate 23.76 This is captain Quirk. We have been in orbit around this most large and unusual planet for what seemed to be too long from the very beginning! Quirk: Smock, What do your scanners tell you about this, ..., Thing? Smock: I am about to experience an unfamiliar emotion! Scott: Not Facination? Smock: Definately not! Quirk: What then it it? Smock: If I were to put a name to it I would say it would be best described as disgust, Captain. Quirk: Why? Smock: It would appear that this thing, ..., is not a planet at all! Quirk: Not a planet? What then IS it? Smock: It appears to be an entity, or person, if you will, that has quite litterally eaten itself out of house, home and Planet! Quirk: Planet? Smock: Yes, captain, It would appear that this being has literally engulfed The planet, Magma and all! Quirk: Nooooo! Smock: I understand your reluctance to believe it, but note, if you will, The redwood stumps stuck between it's teeth! Quirk: Let's get the hell outta here and put some distance between ourselves and this thing! Snott, Why aren't you down in engineering? Snott: Well after we beamed a piece of it on board the entire engineering staff was instatly overcome with nausea. It is apparrent that the thing doesn't bathe itself! What's more the sample proceeded to eat itself through the deck, down through the bulkhead and clear through the hull. Several crewmen were sucked out the breach and when the hole was sealed with a forcefield the rest of the crew began begging to be sucked out the hole too due to the unimaginatively horrid stench! I alone barely excaped with my mind intact. The sample has rejoined the rest of it down below! Slew: Reminds me of my great aunt Ho Chew Suk! When she died they found out that the reason she never had any kids was because her system was consuming the developing fetuses! She was declared a disaster area, A toxic waste dump, and was shunned for the last 40 years of it's life! Quirk: That's HORRID!, Hutura, Have you made any sense out of that signal that was emanating from that thing before the USS Alkaselsior encountered it and was destroyed? Hutura: Yes captain I have. I had to raise the frequency several octaves and replay it several times normal speed before the autotranslation circuits could process it and it appears that the being has been moaning the words "FEED ME!" Quirk: It figures! Smock, Have you been able to gain any information from the damaged logs of the Akcaselsior? Smock: Yes, I have. IT would appear that the Alkaselsior came out of warp in the middle of a gravity node and proceeded to break apart! Quirk: That's impossible! Gravity nodes are supposed to be INTERNAL to the planet! Smock: Not in this case captain. It would seem that the unusually grotesque shape of the planet is incompatable with the gravity nodes. It's as if the gravity nodes were too disgusted to remain inside. Quirk: What happened to the Alkaselsior? Smock: To make it brief, The hull was ripped open like a beer can and the crew expired writhing under the gravometric force of the nodes while chewing and sucking at the empty vacuum of space. Just before they broke apart the captain reported that the beast grabbed the port warp nacelle ripped it away from the ship and started using it as a giant dildo! The away team that was beamed down slipped off the planet upon materialization due to the excessivly fatty persperation of the thing and were caught for all time in the gravity well! Fortunately for them the away team was instantly blinded! Hutura: Can I be excused to go to the bathroom? Quirk: Yes, you may. Can someone get a mop and cleanup crew up here? Quirk: What the hell was that? Smock: It would appear that it was a giant fart and judging from the carbon dating it has taken three thousand years to reach the surface! It appears the the old fart has destroyed the moon! Quirk: Let's get outta here. Send to starfeet to declare this entire sector a complete loss! Quarantine to extend indefinately! Checkout, Get a bead on that thing and phaser it's vocal chords away so it can't lure any more hapless ships into it's intense gravity well. Checkout: , ..., Direct Hit Keptain! Smock: Of course direct hit Checkout, considering the size of the target how could you miss? Checkout: I could try tying the photon torpedo system into the liquid waste disposal system while wearing glasses with concrete lenses to avoid being blinded as the captain of the Alkaselsior was! Smock: Fortunately the modulation circuits inside the sensors protect the human eye from blinding ugliness! Fat, The final insult! These are the voyages of the star ship Enterprise ! Origin: Madman BBS * Chico, California * 916-893-8079 * (1:119/88) ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ One day, a distraught middle-aged man came up to the doctor and said, "Doctor, you have to help me!" "What seems to be the problem?" asked the doctor. "Well," starts the man, "No matter what I do, I can't... you know... get it up! Nothing seems to work. I fear, that if I can't solve this problem soon, my marriage will be at stake!" "Just a second," says the doctor, and he goes into the back room for a few minutes. When he returns, he gives the man a bottle of pills. "These pills were just approved by the FDA." explains the doctor. "They will completely cure your impotency. You simply take one of these pills before you begin foreplay, and you'll be able to have sex for one hour." "That's GREAT!" exclaims the man, and immediately rushes out of the office toward his car. On the way home, however, he starts thinking, "Wait a minute! If one of these pills can allow me to have sex for one hour... Hell, I'll just take the whole damn bottle!" Which he promptly does... The next day, there's a sad little boy in the doctor's office. "Doctor, Doctor. What did you do to my daddy?" asks the boy, through all his tears. Immediately seeing the resemblance to the man he saw the day before, the doctor asks, "I don't understand, son, I just gave him some pills. What could possibly have happened?" "Well," started the boy, "My Mommy's dead... My Sister's dead... My butt hurts... and last I saw, my Daddy was on the back porch, going 'Here, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty!!'" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Welcome to world news tonite with Hulk Hogan weiging in at 5tons the whale is one of the largest printers in the buisness in fact its so good the Consumer Reports quoted it as one of the worst distaters in the history of this contry exusme sir now that youve lost your home to this distaster what do you plan to do well your just going to have to shoot me in the back READY AIM shoots he scores and wins the game for the bad boys bad boys whatcha ya gonna do KILLLL HIM!! Oh I bet you say that to alll the girls dont ya swetie you bet! I can beat that jerk with your dick tied in a knot I bet its almost impossible to scale the walls of your home is an investement and it needs to be demolished i want him killed then I want him to be my neigbor please wont you be shot with 5 bullet wonds in the chest the police are out to get me thre ALL out to get me! Doesent anybody Love me we're all gonna die! Ubba ubba DE ubba ubba De t-thats all folks beeeeooooop 57 channels and nuthin on!! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ " The Beast " by Joseph Miller < jammmers[at]aol.com > Connecticut -- July 18, 1995 Greetings, I have become aware that there are some folks around who find great humor in attempting to search-out the BEAST. To lend a humble-hand in this regard, I propose that America On-Line might be the BEAST. Follow this... AOL ( they insist on trying to make this a leading set of recognized initials for the world ) reduces to the alfa-numbers: a=1, o=15, L=12. Taking the individual digits by sum ( or product!! ) we must calculate: 1+1+5+1+2 = 10 , or calculate: 1*1*5*1*2 = 10... this MUST be a flag to attract attention... then: 10 x 1 x 15 x 12 = 1800 and divided by the quantity of letters (3)... then: 1800/3 = 600. Then, the focus number, when added to its reverse image, we may calculate: 15 + 51 = 66... and we get the final sum: 600 + 66 = 666 ( the number of the BEAST ) or... 12 + 21 + 15 + 51 = 99. And this, when entered into a calculator screen - turned around to view upside-down, calculates to 66... and again, we get: 600 + 66 = 666 ( the number of the BEAST ) Hence, AOL = 666, and America On-Line is The BEAST ;-D ... How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ THE TOP 20 TECH-SUPPORT NO-NO'S 20. Try to sell home-made LSD to caller. 19. "Still not used to this whole electricity thing, huh?" 18. Proclaim your undying love. 17. Advise the customer to lick the power supply. 16. "So, what are you wearing?" 15. Constantly, refer to the caller as "Pumpkin". 14. As you look up a part number, whistle loudly in a monotone. 13. "You've got to be kidding?" 12. "What you do is get yourself a quarter and go buy a clue." 11. Use baby talk. 10. "I don't get paid enough to deal with jerks like you." 9. Ridicule the inadequacy of the caller's system. 8. "Yo no hablo ingles." 7. Use metaphors based on your experiences with rabid dogs. 6. Laugh maniacally. 5. Twist the caller's words to make it seem as if there is no problem. 4. "You're screwed. You're just screwed." 3. Encourage the caller to pound on the CPU casing. 2. Try to set up the caller with your second cousin. 1. "How the hell did you get access to a computer?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ An old woman and a young boy were sitting in a dentist's waiting room. As they waited, the old woman kept staring at the freckle-faced boy who was about ten years old. Finally, she said to him, I bet you're Pat O'Brien's boy. "No, maam," answered the child. "What is your name, then? "It's Tony Giardo, maam." Well, I taught school right here in this neighborhood for many years, through several generations of children, and I've never yet been wrong about a face. I would have sworn on the Bible that you're Pat O'Brien's boy. Are you sure you're not an O'Brien, perhaps even a cousin? "No, I'm not, maam, but we used to live next door to some O'Briens. A very rich, old, and dying Bostonian called his attorney to him for the purpose of finalizing his will. "How many children have you?" the lawyer asked. "That, sir," said the old-timer, "will be deciced by the courts when the will is contested." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ THE LITIGIOUS SOCIETY * Etta Stephens filed a lawsuit against Barnett Bank in Tampa, Fla., in May, seeking damages for the heart attack she suffered. She was stricken after opening her monthly statement to find, due to bank error, that her $20,000 money market account was empty. [USA Today, 5-24-95] * In May, trial began in Toronto, Ontario, in the lawsuit by Toronto-Dominion Bank to recover $3.5 million from Edward Del Grande, who had borrowed for his businesses. Del Grande is countersuing for $30 million, saying the problem was that the bank had loaned him too much money. Del Grande charged that if the bank had been more prudent, his companies could have survived the down market in real estate. [Globe & Mail, 5-25-95] * Recently, Chesapeake, Va., inmate Robert Lee Brock filed a $5 million lawsuit against Robert Lee Brock--accusing himself of violating his religious beliefs and his civil rights by getting himself drunk enough to engage in various crimes. He wrote, "I want to pay myself five million dollars [for this breach of rights] but ask the state to pay it in my behalf since I can't work and am a ward of the state." In April, the lawsuit was dismissed. [Austin American-Statesman-AP, 4-8-95] * In June, the family of the late Bridgeport, Conn., radio station executive Jefferson Ketcham filed a lawsuit in connection with his recent death. The lawsuit charged Cobb's Mill Inn and its waiter Paul Kane with negligence because, when Kane drove the intoxicated Ketcham home from the bar as a favor, he merely let him out of the car and failed to accompany him into his house. Ketcham tripped on the front steps, hit his head, and died. [Greenwich Time, 6-10-95] * Bob Glaser filed a $5.4 million lawsuit in March against the city of San Diego, Calif., for the "emotional trauma" he suffered at an Elton John-Billy Joel concert, held at a municipal stadium. Some women, thwarted by long lines for their rest room, had entered the men's room, and Glaser said he was "extremely upset" at the sight of a woman in front of him using a urinal. [San Francisco Examiner, 3-31-95] ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Someone sent me a cuckoo clock. I heard it ticking, thought it was a bomb and stuck it in a pail of water. I now have the only clock where the cuckoo comes out every hour and gargles. The social event of the year was breaking up. "How do I get to Logan Airport from here?" asked a guest. "Do you have a car?" queried the host. "No." "Then you'll have to walk." A man was riding with his wife who had just learned to drive and now they were zipping along at 85 miles per hour. "Doesn't cruising through the beautiful countryside, feeling the breeze, make you glad you're alive?" she asked. "Glad?" He raised an eyebrow. "Glad isn't the word for it. I'm amazed." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ From three issues of THE YOUTH'S HOME COMPANION, New England Edition, circa 1898. More ads. "The Most Pleasant COUGH CANDY. Morgan's Cod Liver Oil and Horehound Drops. Five cents per box. Trade Mark. Cod Liver Oil, with all its qualities, free from taste and odor. For sale by Druggists and Grocers. Samples free by mail. Morgan Co., Gloucester, Mass." "A Scientific Truth. Prof. Atwater says: 'We eat too much of the fuel elements of food -- too much fat, butter, starch and sugar; too little of the flesh-forming elements; too little of blood, bone and nerve foods.' Quaker Oats contains the desired elements to an unequalled degree. Delicate and delicious. The Easy Fodd. Quaker Oats. The World's Breakfast. Accept No Substitute." "DR. HAYES OF BUFFALO, N.Y., announces that he is succeeding in curing Asthma so that it STAYS cured." "The Travelers Insurance Company, Hartford, Conn. Original Accident Company of America. Largest in the World. Also issues the Best Life Policy in the Market. Pays Policy-Holders $4,000 a day." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ So this cowpoke walks into this typical old west saloon. Hanging over the bar is a painting of 8 nude women. The women are standing in a line. The first one in the line (going from left to right) is facing the viewer and the second one is facing away from the viewer. The next two women are arranged exactly the same way. The fourth woman in the painting is facing toward the viewer and the last three are facing away from the viewer. The cowpoke studies on the painting for some time and can't figure it out (I could have said that he couldn't make 'heads or tails of it,' but I wouldn't stoop that low). Finally he asks the bartender to explain the painting to him. "Well, stranger," says the barkeep, "That there painting represents The William Tell Overture!" "How's that?" replys the astonished cowpoke. "Just look at it," says the barkeep, "there it is: titty-rump, titty-rump, titty-rump rump rump!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ High Tech Computer Sales Jargon NEW - Different color from previous design ALL NEW - Parts not interchangable with previous design EXCLUSIVE - Imported product UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition DESIGNED SIMPLICITY - Manufacturer's cost cut to the bone FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it IT'S HERE AT LAST! - Rush job; Nobody knew it was coming FIELD-TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had big argument with distributor YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one that works REVOLUTIONARY - It's different from our competitiors BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a way to sell it FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does DISTINCTIVE - A different shape and color than the others MAINTENANCE-FREE - Impossible to fix RE-DESIGNED - Previous faults corrected, we hope... HAND-CRAFTED - Assembly machines operated without gloves on PERFORMANCE PROVEN - Will operate through the warranty period MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours ALL SOLID-STATE - Heavy as Hell! BROADCAST QUALITY - Gives a picture and produces noise HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it SMPTE BUS COMPATABILE - When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound NEW GENERATION - Old design failed, maybe this one will work MIL-SPEC COMPONENTS - We got a good deal at a government auction CUSTOMER SERVICE ACROSS THE COUNTRY - You can return it from most airports UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE - Nothing we ever had before worked THIS way BUILT TO PRECISION TOLERANCES - We finally got it to fit together SATISFACTION GUARANTEED - Manufacturer's, upon cashing your check MICROPROCESSOR CONTROLLED - Does things we can't explain LATEST AER0SPACE TECHNOLOGY - One of our techs was laid off by Boeing ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The following selections are from "The Youth's Home Companion," New England Edition, April 8, 1897, Perry Mason and Co., a magazine containing news, light verse, short stories, humorous anecdotes, a girl's page, a boy's page, and advertisements. "It happened at a dinner for notables where a doctor and a professor were sitting across from each other. The doctor began to deride philosophy and went on rudely to express the opinion that philosopher was but another way of spelling fool. "What is your opinion, professor?" he asked. "Is there much distance between them?" The professor, with a polite smile to the boorish doctor, responded gravely: "Sometimes only the width of a table." AND SOME ADS: "Premature Loss of the Hair, which is so common nowadays, may be entirely prevented by the use of Burnett's Cocaine." "Do you want a Tonic? Take Horsford's Acid Phosphate. Dr. W.J.Norfolk, Chicopee Falls, Mass., says: 'I have used it as a tonic and stimulant with success. I always keep it in the home for my own use.'" "Mothers, When you become weary with the household work and care, stop a moment, sit down and inhale Portsmouth Lavender Salts. (Can't leak See the Cap) You'll get up feeling rested and fresh as in the morning. Its invigorating power is wonderful. Try it. 25 cents. Preston of New Hampshire." "Germs of Disease. It has been conclusively proved that disease germs -- whether bacillus or fungus kind -- do not thrive in healthy persons, and that when they do find lodgment they may be expelled by taking into the system the particular element that is needed to make healthy conditions in blood and tissue. Angier's Petroleum Emulsion supplies the vital elements so much needed by those afflicted with weak lungs, bronchitis, consumption, scrofula and other wasting diseases. It expels disease by revitalizing the blood and building healthy tissue. Unlike Cod Liver Oil it disturbs no function and is perfectly agreeable to take." "Greene's Warranted Syrup of Tar. A GREAT REMEDY, because we can warrant it. On every package you find the words, 'No Cure, No Pay.' What does it mean? It simply means that if a 50-cent bottle of Greene's Warranted Syrup of Tar does not cure your cough or cold, that your druggist will refund you your money. This is the agreement we have with all druggists. Any Druggist can get Greene's Warranted Syrup of Tar for you of his wholesaler if you insist." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Moskowitz had bought a parrot and one morning found the bird at the eastern side of the cage, with a small prayer shawl over its head, rocking to and fro, and mumbling. Bending low to listen, Moskowitz was thunderstruck to discover the parrot was intoning prayers in the finest Hebrew. "You're Jewish?" asked Moskowitz. "Not only Jewish," said the parrot, "but Orthodox. So will you take me to the synagog on Rosh Hashonah?" Rosh Hashonah, the Jewish New Year, was indeed only 2 days away, and it would as always usher in the high-holiday season which would end with Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, ten days later. Moskowitz said "Of course I'll take you, but can I tell my friends about you? This isn't a secret is it?" "No secret at all. Tell anyone you want to." And the parrot returned to his praying. Moskowitz went to all his friends to tell them about his Jewish parrot. Of course no one believed him, and in no time at all Moskowitz was taking bets. By Rosh Hashonah he had $1,000 in bets riding on the parrot. Grinning, Moskowitz brought the parrot to the synagog in its cage. He put him in a prominent place and everyone turned to watch the parrot do his prayers. Even the rabbi watched, as he had $7 that said the parrot would not pray. Moskowitz waited. Everyone waited. The parrot did not pray. Moskowitz put the prayer shawl over the parrot's head, but the bird ducked and shawl fell off. After the services all of Moskowitz's friends laughed, and collected their money. Utterly humiliated, Moskowitz returned home, turned viciously on the bird, screaming, "Prepare to die you little monster, for I'm going to wring your neck! If you can pray, now's the time!" The parrot's voice rang out clear, "Hold it, you idiot. In 10 days it's Yom Kippur, when all the Jews will sing the tragic, haunting Kol nidre. Why don't you bet everyone that I can sing Kol Nidre." "Why? You didn't do anything today!" "Exactly," replied the bird. "So for Yom Kippur, just think of the odds you'll get!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ PEOPLE WITH TOO MUCH TIME ON THEIR HANDS * A Chicago Sun-Times wire service report in April identified a Chinese boy, Zhang Zhuo, 12, as having just set a record by reciting from memory the value of pi (the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter) to 4,000 decimal places--a feat which took him 25 minutes. However, two months earlier, a Seattle Times wire service story had identified a Japanese man, Hiroyuki Goto, 21, as having captured the world record--to over 42,000 decimal places--a feat which took him over nine hours. [Chicago Sun-Times, 4-24-95; Seattle Times, 2-26-95] * The winner of National Enquirer's contest for the "Most Boring Husband in America," named in May, was Michael Colangelo, whose wife claimed that he cannot seem to pass an ant mound without taking a picture of it. Said she, "We hardly have any family photos, but we have an album of fire ants." Said Michael, "It's amazing how [ants] are so persistent." [St. Petersburg Times, 5-27-95] * In February, the Consumer Product Safety Commission ended five years of deliberation on what to do about five-gallon buckets, which it deemed dangers to toddlers who might fall into them and drown. In May 1994, the agency tentatively had decided to order manufacturers to redesign the buckets. However, it has now decided merely to require warnings on the pails. [Rock Island Argus-Chicago Tribune, 2-12-95] ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ This man is driving down a highway when he sees a sign, "Sisters of Hope Whore House - Ten Miles". At first the man thinks he's seeing things, but five miles later he spots another sign that reads, "Sisters of Hope Whore House - Five Miles". By now the man is quite interested, and sure enough 5 miles later he sees a sign, "Sisters of Hope Whore House - Next Exit", so he turns off the highway, very excited. After a few minutes of searching, he sees a building with a sign on it, "Sisters of Hope", so he enters. He is greeted by a nun and she says, "Yes, my child what can we do for you?". And the man replies, "I'd like to make use of your services, if i may." And so the nun leads him down a long hallway, up a spiral stairway, through a number of turns, down another stairway, and finally to a door. The nun opened the door for the man and then walked off. In the room was another nun holding a cup in her hand and behind her was another door. The nun spoke, "Deposit 50 dollars in the cup and walk through the door behind me to get what you deserve." So, the man gave the nun a 50, and walked out. He found himself in the the parking lot and the door he had just come through quickly locked behind him. there was a sign in front of him that read, "You Have Just Been Screwed By The Sisters of Hope". ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Debbie and Glenn Bodman were planning a vacation in Florida, but they didn't know what to do with their dog. So Mr. Bodman wrote the hotel manager and asked if dogs were allowed. He promptly answered: "Dear Sir: "I've been in the hotel business for thirty years and I've never had to call the police to eject a disorderly dog; never had a dog set fire to a bed with a cigarette; never found a hotel towel in a dog's suitcase; and never had a dog leave a glass ring on the top of the dresser. Your dog is welcome. Signed: Manager Smith "P.S. If your dog will vouch for you, you can come along, too." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Supplicant: "Why doesn't any know that Superman is really Clark Kent without the glasses, especially Lois Lane?" Oracle: "Everyone does indeed know the identity of Superman, except Lois. It is an government experiment to see if a whole population can keep a secret from a single person." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ SANTA DEALS WITH POLITICAL CORRECTNESS 'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck... How to live in a world that's politically correct? His workers no longer would answer to "Elves", "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves. And labor conditions at the north pole Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul. Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety, Released to the wilds by the Humane Society. And equal employment had made it quite clear That Santa had better not use just reindeer. So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid, Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid! The runners had been removed from his sleigh; The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A. And people had started to call for the cops When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops. Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened. His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened." And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows, Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation, Demanding millions in over-due compensation. So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife, Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life, Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz, Demanding from now on her title was Ms. And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion That making a choice could cause so much commotion. Nothing of leather, nothing of fur, Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her. Nothing that might be construed to pollute. Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot. Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise. Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys. Nothing that claimed to be gender specific. Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific. No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth. Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth. And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden, Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden. For they raised the hackles of those psychological Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological. No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt; Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt. Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe; And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away. So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed; He just could not figure out what to do next. He tried to be merry, tried to be gay, But you've got to be careful with that word today. His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground; Nothing fully acceptable was to be found. Something special was needed, a gift that he might Give to all without angering the left or the right. A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision, Each group of people, every religion; Every ethnicity, every hue, Everyone, everywhere...even you. So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth... "May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth." (c)Harvey Ehrlich, 1992 Notice: This poem is copyright 1992 by Harvey Ehrlich. It is free to distribute, without changes, as long as this notice remains intact. All follow-ups, requests, comments, questions, distribution rights, etc should be made to mduhan@husc.harvard.edu . Happy Holidays! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ "CENTRAL FLORIDA'S CHRISTMAS SEASON: THE REAL THING?" "As the holiday season progresses, there are many people in Central Florida preparing for their annual Christmas angst. All that is needed is a transplanted Northerner and the memories of Christmas past spent where gently falling snow covered the ground with a blanket of white. For them, our semitropical Christmas is not the real thing. The problem is that Christmas here has no identity. All of the seasonal poems, songs and movies were written with cold weather in mind. It's almost as if Florida doesn't exist during the holidays, except as a vacation destination for what seems like the entire population of the state of Pennsylvania. In an effort to let the rest of the country know the holidays are celebrated and enjoyed in our warm climate, I have tried to identify what makes our Christmas unique. Christmas in Central Florida is: -Mailing cards to all your friends and relatives up North that depict Santa and his sleigh pulled by a flock of flamingos. -Doing all your baking early, then discovering on Christmas Day that our rampant humidity has crept into all the cookies. -Hoping it will be cold enough to light a fire in the fireplace. -Hoping it will be warm enough to serve Christmas dinner on the patio. -Sweating your way through Christmas eve midnight Mass because you decided to wear the new cable-knit sweater that was a gift from your wife. -Gazing at palm trees and hibiscus through panes of glass sprayed with fake snow. -Giving your daughter a new bike and actually being able to take her outside for her first spin around the block. -Getting a new wet suit and flippers as gifts and trying them out in the pool that day. -Having a house full of relatives, half of whom want the air conditioning turned up and half of whom want it turned down. -Having to explain to your 5-year-old that Santa's sleigh can get here without there being snow on the ground. -Having a Christmas morning round of golf and an after-dinner basketball game become family traditions. -Opening your patio door on Christmas morning to see a glorious white heron take flight over the trees. -Trying to figure out how to sleep and feed your brother-in-law and his family, an old college friend and her family, and Great-Uncle Harry and is new girlfriend when they all visit during the same week in December. -Being able to take the kids to see Mickey, Shamu or E.T. during school break without spending money on air fare and hotel rooms. -Spending the whole day stringing colored lights on the front of your house and then having to mow the lawn and trim the bushes, too. -Finally, realizing the spirit and joy of Christmas dwell in your heart and can be triggered by warm breezes and swaying palms as well as sleigh bells and falling snow." By Joyce Carcara, December '93, "My Word" column ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ It was a terrible storm. Six inches of rain had fallen in the first twenty-four hours. Eight had fallen on the second day. The entire town was flooded. Over at the Bronson house, little Jimmy Bronson, eight years old, sat at the window of his upstairs room and stared outside. He was looking at a sun hat that was floating in one direction for a while, then seemed to get caught up and start to float back toward the house. The process went on for hours. Jimmy's uncle came by the house to see if all was well, and saw his nephew staring. He started to look too, and couldn't understand why the hat kept moving up and back, up and back. Finally he asked Jimmy, "What's going on down there?" Jimmy said, "That's Pa. Last week he said, `Come hell or high water, I'm going to mow the lawn Saturday!'" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ At a commuter train station a policeman noticed a woman driver bowed over the steering wheel of her car. "Is there anything wrong?" said the policeman. Half crying and half laughing the woman responded, "For ten years I have driven my husband to the station to catch his train. This morning I forgot him!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ FUNNY/UNUSUAL DEFINITIONS -BLOCK: The distance between some people's ears. -CANOE: An object that acts like a small boy...it behaves better when paddled from the rear. -CAREFUL DRIVER: The fellow who has made the last payment on his car. -CHARM: The ability to make someone else think that both of you are quite wonderful. -COLD FEET: The ailment you get when you know what the consequences are going to be. -DELAY: The greatest remedy for anger. -DIETING: The penalty for exceeding the feed limit. -DUTCH TREAT: When two businessmen have dinner and each uses his own expense account. -ELECTRICIAN: A man who wires for money. -ELEPHANT: A useful animal with a vacuum cleaner in front and a rug beater at the back. -FROG: The only living thing that has more lives than a cat. It croaks every night. -GOVERNMENT EXPERT: One who complicates simple things. -HIDE AND SICK: A game played on any ocean liner by the passengers. -IMPATIENCE: Waiting in a hurry. -JACK: A thing that lifts a car and also keeps it going. -KIBITZER: A person with an inferiority complex. -LIFE INSURANCE: A plan that keeps you poor all your life so you can die rich. -METER MAID: A person who always does a fine day's work. -MOUTH: The grocer's friend, the dentist's fortune, the orator's pride, and the fool's trap. -NOSTALGIA: Trimming the Christmas tree with popcorn made in the microwave oven. -OPTIMIST: One who thinks he/she will never do anything stupid again. -PUBLIC LIBRARY BUILDING: The tallest building in town...it has more stories than any other. -REUNION: When you meet people your own age who all look a lot older than you. -RUSH HOUR: When the traffic stands still. -SCANDAL: A breeze stirred up by a couple of windbags. -SKEPTIC: One who won't take know for an answer. -SMILE: Something that adds to your face value. -SPRING: A time when boys feel gallant and girls feel buoyant. -TAILOR: An occupation that suits everyone. -TOE: A part of the foot used to find furniture in the dark. -TRAGEDY: A bride without a can opener. -TWILIGHT: All the difference between day and night. -UMBRELLA: A movable roof. -UPPER CRUST: A number of persons stuck together by their dough. -VOTE: To choose the lesser of evils. -WINTER: The time of year when it gets later earlier. -YOURS: Anything which, up to the present, others have not been able to get away from you. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ George and Barb Bush were strolling through the local dog show when they happened upon a basket of newborn puppies a lady was selling. They inquired as to where the mother was. "The mother died in birthing." the lady replied. "Well" the former president said, "We'll take one if it's a republican." The saleslady looked at the puppies and replied, "They are all republicans." Later on that day the Bush's came back to get their puppie. They were then informed that the little ones had become democrats "George and Babs were puzzled and asked why? To which the lady replied: "They've opened their eyes!" "O" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Monday, 10 AM -- Chicago, Illinois -- Start-up software developer Cuisine International announced CUISINENET, the first internetworking program to seamlessly integrate word and food processing. Called a breakthrough for small restaurants and snack bars, Cuisine Chairman Mark Meigs confidently predicted sales of thousands of copies. Monday, 4 PM -- New York -- Cuisine International shares closed sharply higher on announcement of new CUISINENET product. Tuesday, 9 AM -- Redmond, Washington -- Microsoft Chairman William H. Gates, III announced that Microsoft Food for Windows would soon enter beta testing. Gates described the product as the first of a projected family of products to include Food for Windows, designed for small commercial dining establishments; Personal Food for Windows, designed for home kitchens; Portable Food for Windows, designed for lunchboxes; and, of course, at high end, Food for Windows NC (Nouvelle Cuisine) designed for large institutional dining rooms. Asked by a reporter about CUISINENET, Gates said that he had never heard of the product, but was not surprised by it because the software business is highly competitive, and Microsoft has to compete on the merits with many strong competitors, as the FTC had recently concluded. Tuesday, 3 PM -- Chicago, Illinois -- An angry Mark Meigs showed reporters a copy of the nondisclosure agreement signed by Bill Gates, under which Cuisine International had informed Microsoft a year earlier about plans CUISINENET. Meigs said that in hindsight, he should never have signed agreement, as the only thing he learned from Microsoft was that Gates was considering changes to Windows. Wednesday, 9 AM -- Redmond, Washington -- Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates announced that Microsoft would soon publish specifications for the Windows Open Kitchen Architecture (WOKA), a series of design specifications to permit manufacturers of toasters, ranges, and other kitchen appliances to integrate their products into the forthcoming Microsoft Food for Windows line. Asked about reports of a nondisclosure agreement with Cuisine International for a similar product, Gates said that the other product is really at most a niche product, and would probably have less functionality than the food-related features that Microsoft would be building into the new Unsaturated FAT File System which would be part of DOS 7.0. Gates said that he doubted there would be much interest in a dead-end solution that would not be able to keep up to date with advances in WOKA. Gates added that over 11,000 manufacturers of kitchen appliances were already having serious discussions with Microsoft about WOKA, and that he expected almost all important eaters of food to standardize on the WOKA environment. Wednesday, 10 AM -- Redmond, Washington -- Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates announced that he would be giving the keynote speech at the American Bakers annual convention on "Nutrition at Your Fingertips." Gates played down speculation that he would use the Bakers convention to introduce Microsoft Food for Windows, saying only that alpha testing was proceeding ahead on schedule, and the product would be shipped when it was ready. Wednesday, 11 AM -- Redmond, Washington -- Microsoft Corporation announced that its Chairman, William H. Gates, III, had made a donation of over $1 million of personal funds to the Cordon Bleu to begin an endowment fund for the Bill Gates Professorship of Advanced Cookery. The famous French cooking school confirmed that it had agreed to be a beta site for the much discussed Food for Windows application suite. Thursday, 9 AM -- New York -- PCWeek Magazine reported in a copyrighted story that it had obtained a copy of correspondence from Microsoft to Cuisine International, demanding that the small developer of kitchen software cease using the Cuisine name, as it infringes on the trademark Microsoft Food for Windows NC. Microsoft added that Chairman Mark Meigs would also have to change his own name as Mark infringed a copyright on Windows Edit menu, Meigs infringed the trademark on Meigs Field in Microsoft Flight Simulator, and Chairman infringed the trademark on Bill Gates's title which he had acquired with personal funds from Mao's estate. Also, Microsoft advised that while the company did not actually have to move out of Chicago, use of the city name on press releases infringed on a trademark on Windows 4.0 Thursday, 4 PM -- New York -- Cuisine International stock closed at 0. Friday, 9 AM -- ? -- An anonymous spokesman for an unnamed Midwestern software developer announced the discontinuation of operations. Undescribed legal problems were cited as the reason. Others speculated that a failure to appreciate the competitive nature of the software business may have led to the company's sudden collapse. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ MORE SHORTEST BOOKS: The Korean Guide to effective construction techniques for department stores The diary of punctual cable/telephone/electric repairmen/installers Nice politicians/lawyers Truthful politicians/lawyers Famous Bosnians English Cuisine The French Guide to politeness The Irish/Polish directory of MENSA members Bosnians greatest war victories The official German book of passive behaviour Rush Limbaugh's diet book Sophisticated Americans The San Francisco directory of heterosexuals Adult friends of Michael Jackson The "No fat" English cookbook Hygiene in the Indian/Pakistani home Susan Smith's child care handbook The Mayor of Chicago's heat wave guide Friends I have acquired in New York Chicago directory of air conditioning suppliers Why Susan Smith must not be executed ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ =========================================================================== What do you call a MAN with no arms or legs - =========================================================================== - on your living room wall? ART - on two wheels? AXEL - in a hayloft? BARNEY - in your mailbox? BILL - trying to swim? BOB - who tastes like water? BUD - on mediocre drugs? BUZZ - who has no head? CHESTER - who is on the edge of the green? CHIP - put through a meat grinder? CHUCK - in a tiger cage? CLAUDE - who is covered with oil? DEREK - in a porn flick? DICK - who makes you an offer you can't refuse? DON - next to a hole in the ground? DOUG - who fails to catch fire? DUDLEY - when you push his head under water? DUNCAN - with a bad cough? FLEMING - on your barbecue? FRANK - drowning in the lake? GIL - during a full moon? HARRY - in your spicerack? HERB - flying over the fence? HOMER - under a car? JACK - on parallel bars? JIM - in the men's room? JOHN - who's pretends to have arms and legs. JOSH - under a steamroller? LANE - starving to death? LES - who is English and gets dumped on? LOU - on a lettuce farm? MANUEL - on your front door step? MATT - in a sound system? MIKE - who has been run over by a steam roller? MILES - with a cut on his face? NICK - in a motorized wheelchair? OTTO - in a flowerbed? PETE - in your gas tank? PHIL - who is covered with saurkraut? REUBEN - with a history of wheelchair collisions? REX - in a bank vault? RICH - being stoned to death? ROCKY - who has been struck by lightning? ROD - shooting up drugs? RUSH - in a pile of leaves? RUSSELL - on a paper towel? SCOTT - being tossed into the water? SKIP - under a train? SPIKE - balanced on his stumps? STAN - being cooked by cannibals? STU - who can play 15 different musical instruments? STUMP THE BAND - who get's left behind in a restaurant? TIP - in your drums? TOM - who is painted with dragons, ships and sunsets? VAN - on the President's desk? VITO - in shallow water? BOB WADE - given to you by a deceased uncle? WILL - in an arid desert? WILT =========================================================================== What do you call a WOMAN with no arms or legs - =========================================================================== - caught by a trawler? ANNETTE - who is very pale? ASHLEY - who carries an air horn? BLAIR - in a sugar vat? CANDY - in a backpack? CARRIE - with one tit bigger than the other? EILEEN/IRENE - in a tank? ETHEL - in a sewer? FLO - eaten by a Gila Monster? LIZ - in a shotgun wedding? MARY - on your barbecue? PATTY - stuck on a wall? PEG - in a nudist colony? SEYMOUR - ensnared in a lawsuit? SUE ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The Polish Ambassador was at the UN talking idly with a US Congressman. "We Poles are hoping to enlist some American help with our space Program," the Ambassador remarks. "Really?" asks the Congressman. "I had no idea Poland was making such efforts. Do you have a goal in mind?" "Absolutely," the Ambassador said. "We intend to land the first man on the sun." "The sun!" cries the Congressman. "But, the heat, the radiation! How will the astronaut survive?" "Well, we Poles are not idiots, you know," says the Ambassador. "We intend to send the expedition at night." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ HOW TO HANDLE STRESS 1. Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out. 2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa bill. 3. Pop some popcorn without the lid on. 4. When someone says "Have a nice day" tell them you have other plans. 5. During your next meeting sneeze, and then loudly suck the phlegm back down your throat. 6. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like. 7. Make a list of the things you have already done. 8. Dance naked in front of your pets. 9. Put your toddlers clothes on backwards and send him off to pre-school as if nothing is wrong. 10. Thumb through the National Geographic and draw underwear on the Natives. 11. Go shopping buy everything. Sweat in them. Return them the next day. 12. Drive to work in reverse 13. Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages. 14. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it gets back to you. 15. Bill your Doctor for the time you spent in his waiting room. 16. Get a box of condoms, wait in line at the check-out counter and ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Two vomits.... walking down the street. One stops in his tracks, and puts on a sad, reminiscing look on his face. His friend, the other vomit, looked and ask what was wrong. The sad one looked at his friend, pointed at a home nearby, and said, "I was brought up is that house..." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ WELCOME TO THIRD GRADE Hi, I'm in third grade but it's not easy, it's a jungle gym out there. It's not school I mind, it's the principal of the thing. My teacher is tough. In class we have to answer "Yes Sir" and "No Sir", and my teacher is a woman. She's cross-eyed too, can't control her pupils. In English she told us we couldn't use 2 words, one was cool and the other was lousy. I said "Cool, tell us the lousy one first". In science, she asked "what would happen if one of the stars in Orion's belt went out?" I told her his pants would fall down. She asked "Why do astronauts wear space suits?" I said "To cover their space underwear". In geography she asked us to name 2 cities in Kentucky. I said "O.K., I'll name one Waldo and the other Heathcliff". And I don't like math at all, there's just too many problems. We eat in the cafeteria. For lunch yesterday we had Roast Beef, bread and butter. The roast beef was so tough it challenged me to a fight after school. The bread was so stale I took it to show and tell in history class. I'd tell you about the butter but I don't want to spread it around. They gave us animal crackers for dessert. On the outside of the box it said "Do not eat if seal is broken". Of course ... (these are third grade jokes, try to keep up) After lunch we had a test. I used to hate taking tests. The teacher told us to treat them as a game. Now I hate games. I did get a 100 the other day, 50 in math and 50 in spelling. My teacher is so forgetful she gave us the same test 3 weeks in a row. If she does that one more time I might pass it. My teacher knows all the answers, of course, she makes up all the questions. But I do better than my best friend, Mike, he made the P.T.A.'s Most Wanted list. Mike's the biggest trouble maker in school, And his parent's never thought he'd amount to anything! Mike kept telling the teacher his dog ate his homework. We didn't believe him until his dog graduated from Yale. When I get home from school, it takes me about an hour to do my homework, 2 hours if my father helps. I was having trouble in English. My Dad bought me a cheap dictionary but I couldn't find the words to thank him. My dad bought me a thesaurus too. I thought that was very nice, pleasurable, agreeable. I was doing geography homework and I asked him where I would find the catskills. He said "I don't know, your mother puts everything away!" When my father saw my report card, he said I was just like Abraham Lincoln, I went down in history. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ This guy walks into a bar with a foot tall person sitting on his shoulder After insulting everyone in the bar, spitting on the bartender, and spitting on the bar maid the guy next to him asks why he is carrying around this rude, foul, and ignorent person. The guy repplies "I found a magic lamp, rubbed it, the genie came out, and I asked for a 12 inch Prick" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ There are three stages of sex when married: Anywhere sex: where you do it anywhere, anytime... Bedroom sex: Where it's in the bedroom, the lights are out, after the kids are asleep, there's vaseline on the (closed) door handles so if they wake up they can't get in... Hall sex: Where you pass each other in the hallway, you turn to face each other and... "Fuck you" "Fuck you too" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ============================================== _The Cat in the Hat_ by Dr. Seuss, 61 pages. Beginner Books, $3.95 ============================================== The Cat in the Hat is a hard-hitting novel of prose and poetry in which the author re-examines the dynamic rhyming schemes and bold imagery of some of his earlier works, most notably _Green Eggs and Ham_, _If I Ran the Zoo_, and _Why Can't I Shower With Mommy?_ In this novel, Theodore Geisel, writing under the pseudonym Dr. Seuss, pays homage to the great Dr. Sigmund Freud in a nightmarish fantasy of a renegade feline helping two young children understand their own frustrated sexuality. The story opens with two youngsters, a brother and a sister, abandoned by their mother, staring mournfully through the window of their single-family dwelling. In the foreground, a large tree/phallic symbol dances wildly in the wind, taunting the children and encouraging them to succumb to the sexual yearnings they undoubtedly feel for each other. Even to the most unlearned reader, the blatant references to the incestuous relationship the two share set the tone for Seuss's probing examination of the satisfaction of primitive needs. The Cat proceeds to charm the wary youths into engaging in what he so innocently refers to as "tricks." At this point, the fish, an obvious Christ figure who represents the prevailing Christian morality, attempts to warn the children, and thus, in effect, warns all of humanity of the dangers associated with the unleashing of the primal urges. In response to this, the cat proceeds to balance the aquatic naysayer on the end of his umbrella, essentially saying, "Down with morality; down with God!" After poohpoohing the righteous rantings of the waterlogged Christ figure, the Cat begins to juggle several icons of Western culture, most notably two books, representing the Old and New Testaments, and a saucer of lactal fluid, an ironic reference to maternal loss the two children experienced when their mother abandoned them "for the afternoon." Our heroic Id adds to this bold gesture a rake and a toy man, and thus completes the Oedipal triangle. Later in the novel, Seuss introduces the proverbial Pandora's box, a large red crate out of which the Id releases Thing One, or Freud's concept of Ego, the division of the psyche that serves as the conscious mediator between the person and reality, and Thing Two, the Superego which functions to reward and punish through a system of moral attitudes, conscience, and guilt. Referring to this box, the Cat says, "Now look at this trick. Take a look!" In this, Dr. Seuss uses the children as a brilliant metaphor for the reader, and asks the reader to re-examine his own inner self. The children, unable to control the Id, Ego, and Superego allow these creatures to run free and mess up the house, or more symbolically, control their lives. This rampage continues until the fish, or Christ symbol, warns that the mother is returning to reinstate the Oedipal triangle that existed before her abandonment of the children. At this point, Seuss introduces a many-armed cleaning device which represents the psychoanalytic couch, which proceeds to put the two youngsters' lives back in order. With powerful simplicity, clarity, and drama, Seuss reduces Freud's concepts on the dynamics of the human psyche to an easily understood gesture. Mr. Seuss' poetry and choice of words is equally impressive and serves as a splendid counterpart to his bold symbolism. In all, his writing style is quick and fluid, making _The Cat in the Hat_ impossible to put down. While this novel is 61 pages in length, and one can read it in five minutes or less, it is not until after multiple readings that the genius of this modern day master becomes apparent. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ How do you make a Mac better? You unplug it. Why is the USA and Canada so in debt and Japan isn't? Quite obvious. Japan is smart enough to buy IBMs. How do you make a Mac go faster? Stop dragging it on the road and tie it to your car and go on the highway. How do you know the Mac isn't worth buying? Hey, these people invented the blue screen Apple too, you know. Here's a true thing: My high school is so bad, we have *2* Macintosh labs! The computers inside are so old, they're older than some teachers! The mouses are so old, they only have one button! The keyboards are so old, they are actually made for Apples! Even the newer models inside are so bad, they don't even have colour! These newer model hard drives actually hold a *WHOLE* two megs! All the Macs probably don't even have 640k of RAM in them! I don't see why they lock the lab doors, it's not like they're worth anything. More Mac jokes: How do you know the person you're chatting with has a Mac? You can write the entire first act of Romeo and Juliet before he says Hi. Oh, finally, before I finish off, here's a good story. One of my classmates was typing on gee, guess what, a Mac, and it started *SMOKING* through the vents on the top of the computer!!! Legend has it that the computer just wasn't ready to answer 2 X 2 just yet. :) ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Test: What kind of computer do you own? 1. How many colours can your computer show you? A) 1024! B) 256! C) 24! D) You mean, computers have colour? 2. How big is your hard drive? A) 2 gigs! B) 500 megs! C) 212 megs! D) Does floppies count? 3. What is your modem speed? A) 38400! B) 14400! C) 2400! D) Wouldn't you believe it, someone gave me a 300 modem for free! 4. What program do you use most? A) OS/2 Warp B) Windows C) DOS D) Edit.Com 5. What would you say if someone gave you a Macintosh computer? A) Wow, thanks, a paperweight! B) What's the matter, your trash bin full? C) I don't have enough space for it... D) Gee, I could really use this! Results: Mostly As -- Congratulations, you own a Pentium! Mostly Bs -- 486/DX4, still pretty good. Mostly Cs -- You need help. 286ers are dead. Mostly Ds -- Save the enviroment, recycle your Commodore 64 or Macintosh. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ What happened to the guy who lost his whole left side in an accident? He's all right. What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair. Did you hear what happened to the fly on the toilet seat? He got pissed off. What do you call a midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison? A small medium at large. What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder? He got a little behind in his orders. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Subject: A New Newsgroup A new newsgroup appeared the other day soc.libraries.talk Shouldn't this be soc.libraries.whisper ? "I wish there was a knob on my TV to turn up intelligence." "There's one called brightness but it doesn't seem to work" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ OFF THE WIRE News We Just Couldn't Pass Up Two Sri Lanka soldiers walked into their hometowns and found themselves attending their own funerals. They had been presumed dead when they failed to return to barracks after an attack by rebels. An English family is exhuming the body of an 83-year-old man and burying it elsewhere because the vicar of their local church refused to have the words "Dad" and "Grandad" on his gravestone. Burglars who stump police by wearing gloves often leave incriminating earprints when they listen at windows and doors, Dutch police report. A cash withdrawal carried a bang for a La Mesa, Calif., man who was accidentally handed an exploding packet of dye and tear gas, meant for bank robbers, along with his money. A Watertown, Conn., man used to say, "Boop, boop ba do, I love you" religiously. But the Catholic Church doesn't think it's a proper line for his tombstone. There is a new hazard threatening China -- hundreds, perhaps thousands, of open manholes whose steel covers have been stolen for scrap. Hundreds of rats were exterminated at the Deltona, Fla., home of an elderly man who kept them as pets. He was hospitalized for psychiatric evaluation. A Swedish jet en route to London had to make an emergency landing when a bread roll became lodged in the cooling fan of an onboard oven. AT&T, in a mailing to 175,000 "True Reward" customers, mistakenly provided the toll-free number to a sex chat line. Callers were greeted by a sultry, breathy voice saying: "Are you ready to get naked?" Wood from a rare tree that stinks so much it scares off rats and termites has been the saving grace of an ancient Japanese pagoda, Korean scientists say. A man who hurled a cream pie at the French culture minister but missed said his group was setting up camps to train pie-throwers to hit "those who believe themselves superior." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A woman, carrying a small dog in her arms, boarded a street-car in New York, says a writer in the "Evening Post," and earnestly besought the conductor to tell her when they reached 42nd Street. As she seemed unusually anxious, he said he would. At the first stop they made after leaving 72nd Street, she glanced appealingly at the other passengers. At the next stop she half rose to her feet. "Fifty-ninth!" called the conductor. At 50th Street she stumbled forward as if to escape with the foremost, but the Conductor laid a detaining hand upon her. "Not yet Madam. I told you that I would tell you when we get there." "How soon shall we get there?" she asked, breathlessly. The Conductor looked wearily at her. "I will tell you when we get there," he repeated. At last, looking pointedly at her, he shouted loudly, "FORTY-SECOND STREET! FORTY-SECOND STREET!" The woman clutched her dog and, standing up, lifted him to the window. "O Fido," she said, almost tearfully, "Look, look, Fido! That's 42nd Street, where you were born. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ STARDATE 73823.6: WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? (1) Chakotay: Who cares why? I just gotta find it. _That_ was my animal guide! Neelix: Actually, Captain, I'm not really familiar with the chickens in _this_ system. But, if you catch it, I can cook it. Holodoc Zimmerman: How should I know? No one tells me anything around here. I didn't even know we added chickens to the crew. All I know is that it would have been nice if, _before_ the chicken went off to cross the road, it had remembered to turn me off! Riker: I don't know why, but I know how: with pleasure, sir. Worf: I don't know. KLINGON chickens do NOT cross roads. Dr. Crusher: If there's nothing wrong with the chicken, there must be something wrong with the universe. Dr. Soran: His heart just wasn't in it. (That didn't make much sense in this joke because I edited out a scene where he tortures the chicken with a nanoprobe.) Scotty: Because she couldna take much morrrrrre. "Friendly" Angel: It was being swept aside to make room for the _strong_! Charlie X: Because it didn't want to STAY... STAY... STAY... Kirk: To . . . GET! . . . totheOTHER! . . . SIDE! Quark: There is no profit in chicken. Captain Sisko: Chicken? I haven't had chicken since I was back on Earth 2 years ago. The replicators don't do it justice. Did I ever tell you about the time... Dax: I once had a chicken as a temporary simbiant. But it was a little cocky. It would make the road come to it. Cardassian judge: It does not matter, it is guilty. Death is the only justice. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ One day a young bodybuilder was standing naked in front of his mirror admiring his body when he noticed that the only thing on his body that wasnt tanned was his penis. So he went down to the beach and buried everything except his penis in the sand. Meanwhile, two old ladies came walking down the beach with canes and noticed the young man's penis sticking out of the sand. One of the ladies started moving it around with her cane and she said to the other; "When I was 20 I was curious about it, When I was 30 I wished for it, When I was 40 I asked for it, When I was 50 I paid for it, When I was 60 I prayed for it, When I was 70 I almost forgot about it, And now that I'm 80 the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Possibly some of you remember the antics of George Burns and Gracie Allen, the comedy team who played the endlessly patient husband and the scatterbrained wife. A true story about Gracie Allen....at least it's said to be true....recounts that a repairman, called in to fix her electric clock, said, "There's nothing wrong with the clock. You didn't have it plugged in." Gracie replied, "I don't want to waste electricity, so I only plug it in when I want to know what time it is." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ -The only people who listen to both sides of an argument are the neighbors. -The best way to cure your wife of a case of nerves is to tell her it's caused by advancing age. -There are usually two sides to every argument, but no end. -Most of us know how to say nothing...few of us know when. -You are getting old when your back goes out more often than you do. -The trouble with opportunity is that it's always more recognizable going than coming. -The man/woman who thinks he/she knows it all is a pain in the neck to those of us who really do. -The perfect age is when children are too old to cry at night and too young to borrow the car. -Neurotics build air castles. Psychotics live in them. -Psychiatrists collect the rent. -A pun is a form of humor that causes everyone to groan and is meant to punish the hearers. -School days are the best days of your life...provided your children are old enough to go. -The loudest snorer is always the first one to get to sleep. -Social tact is making your company feel at home even though you wish they were. -Smoking a cigarette won't send you to h*ll. It just makes you smell like you've been there. -A vacation is a period of travel and relaxation when you take twice the clothes and half the money you need. Parachute jumping is something you can't practice...it has to be right the first time. If you have tried to do something and failed, you are vastly better off than if you had tried to do nothing and succeeded. Frustration is seeing a bumper sticker that says, "Honk If You Hate Taxes"....and you're walking. If we really did profit from mistakes, there would be no Federal debt. Take a lesson from the mosquito. It never waits for an opening...it makes one. Sometimes the best way to convince a man he's wrong is to let him have his own way. The rat race isn't so bad if you're a big cheese. Middle management: An executive with his own pen and pencil set, but no water pitcher. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ According to some fellows, romancing girls is like opening a jar of olives. If you can get one out, the rest come easy! ........ The candles flickered and the music was low and bluesy. Popping open the champagne, he said, "Say when." She said, "Right after the first drink!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The computer industry continues to improve bit by bit. The problem with computers is that they do what you tell them to do, not what you want them to do. Those who work with computers have terminal problems. Why did the computer programmer die in the shower? The directions said: Shampoo, rinse, repeat. Computer programmers never die. They just log off. What happened when the computer fell on the floor? It slipped a disk. To err is human, but to really screw things up requires a computer. Why was there a bug in the computer? It was looking for a byte to eat. Definition of a computer virus: A terminal illness. CPU Prayer: Forgive us our I/O errors as we forgive those whose logic circuits are faulty. Lead us not into frustration and deliver us from power surges. Blessed be the giver of data, patron of the data distressed. ž QMPro 1.53 ž Computers are NOT intelligent! They only think they are. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ If the pilgrims came over on the Mayflower, what ship did the doctors come over on? The blood vessels. ........ Dr: Is your cough better this morning? Patient: It should be. I've been practicing all night. ........ Nurse: Hello. I'm calling about the check you wrote. I came back. Patient: So did my arthritis. ........ Doctor: Did you go to another doctor before you came to me? Patient: Yes, why? Doctor: What foolish advice did he give you? Patient: He told me to come to you. ........ What kind of physician works on a cruise liner? A dry doc. ........ What do female doctors use men for? Male practice. ........ How is a hospital gown like insurance? You're never covered as much as you think you are. ........ Patient: Doctor, you've got to help me. I think I'm a kleptomaniac. Doctor: Don't worry. I think there's something you can take for that. ........ What do you do when a pharmaceutical salesman knocks on your door? Vitamin! ........ What did one tonsil say to the other? You better get dressed...the doctor is taking us out tonight. ........ What do you get if you have strep throat on Friday? Saturday night fever. ........ Sid: The doctor told me to drink carrot juice after a hot bath. Sam: Did it work? Sid: I don't know. I can never finish drinking the hot bath. ........ Doctor: Now just step on the scales. There you see? Look at this chart. You're overweight. Patient: No, I'm not. I'm just 6 inches too short. ........ I'm a doctor and I haven't lost a patient yet. I know where all of them are buried. ........ Old doctors never die....they just lose their patients. ........ Definition of conflict of interest: A get well card from your doctor. ........ Doctors bury their mistakes. ........ Did you hear about the two podiatrists who opened their offices on the same street? They were arch enemies. ......... Podiatrist: Someone who knows the agony of de feet. ........ Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. ........ People who constantly cough never go to the doctors. They go to banquets, to concerts, to church.... ........ A doctor giving a circumcision was heard saying, "It won't be long now." ........ One plastic surgeon to another: My daughter gets her good looks from me. ........ Overheard in doctor's waiting room: I used to watch golf on TV, but the doc said I needed more exercise....so now I watch tennis. ......... I'd feel better about what doctors do if they didn't call it practice. ........ An apple a day keeps the doctor away. An onion a day keeps everyone away. ........ What does it mean when a doctor tells you, "We caught this just in time?" It means that if you had waited any longer, it would have cleared up by itself. ........ Chiropractors don't get old....they adjust. ........ The strangest thing happened the other day. I was listening to a boring talk by a podiatrist and my foot fell asleep. ........ As a doctor was examining his patient, he asked, "Any coughing, wheezing or shortness of cash?" ........ Pathologists know how to cut loose. ........ My doctor told me I was iron deficient....so I took up nail biting. ........ Did you hear about the plastic surgeon who sat next to a fireplace and melted? ........ My Mom got the Amish flu. First she got a little horse...then she got a little buggy. ........ Medical Terminology: Caesarean section: A district in Rome. Dilate: To live long. Protein: In favor of young people. Artery: The study of fine paintings. Organic: Musical. 1991 definition of an umbilical cord: Baby bungee. ........ When the hospital gives you one of those skimpy gowns you know the end is in sight. ........ Surgeons are doctors on the cutting edge. ........ Doctor: The only man who enjoys poor health. ž QMPro 1.53 ž Ignore your health and it will go away!!!! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Sailing - The fine art of getting wet and becoming ill while slowly going nowhere at great expense. Beam Sea - A situation in which waves strike a boat from the side, causing it to roll unpleasantly. This is one of the four directions from which wave action tends to produce extreme physical discomfort. The other three are `bow sea' (waves striking from the front), `following sea' (waves striking from the rear), and `quarter sea' (waves striking from any other direction). Bulkhead - Discomfort suffered by sailors who drink too much. Calm - Sea condition characterized by the simultaneous disappearance of the wind and the last cold beverage. Course - The direction in which a skipper wishes to steer his boat and from which the wind is blowing. Crew - Heavy, stationary objects used on shipboard to hold down charts, anchor cushions in place and dampen sudden movements of the boom. Current - Tidal flow that carries a boat away from its desired destination, or towards a hazard. Flashlight - Tubular metal container used on shipboard for storing dead batteries prior to their disposal. Fluke - The portion of an anchor that digs securely into the bottom, holding the boat in place; also, any occasion when this occurs on the first try. Seabag - 1. Canvas sack in which a sailor's gear is carried. 2. Aging mermaid. Zephyr - Warm, pleasant breeze. Named after the mythical Greek god of wishful thinking, false hopes, and unreliable forecasts. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ STAR TREK Meets THE ROAD-RUNNER ------------------- ...Let us suppose that the Enterprise is doing some sort of research mission to an unknown planet. I think the Captains Log would be worth a look: Captain's Log, Stardate 54324.5: Starfleet Command has directed the Enterprise to do a preliminary exploration of planet --- in advance of a full research team. Scanners report the atmosphere to be breathable, but are receiving confusing readings with regard to life forms. I am beaming down with a landing party composed of all our chief officers except for poor Scotty. Supplemental-1: Redshirt Riley has received a head injury, apparently while exploring under a high rock shelf. He reports only hearing a loud sound and jumping before being struck. After examination by Dr. McCoy he has been judged capable of continuing duty. Supplemental-2: We have encountered an alien creature on this planet. While it does not itself seem menacing, an unfortunate occurrence took place when it was present. Specifically, on my orders Lt. Sulu withdrew his phaser. The creature disappeared leaving a puff of smoke, immediately following which a loud noise was heard next to Sulu. Sulu fired, hitting Ens. Chekov. Oddly enough, although Sulu's weapon was set to stun, Chekov was also covered with a black powder similar to soot. Mr. Chekov has been sent back to the ship for examination and quarantine. Stardate 54326.2, Mr. Spock reporting: Tricorder readings indicate that the creature we encountered earlier is constantly moving at great speed over the surface of the planet. We have encountered the creature once again. In an attempt to slow the creature for study, I attempted to fire on it. The creature, however, appeared to move faster than the phaser beam. Regretfully, the beam struck an outcropping of rock above the Captain's head, causing it to break off and fall. Although it appears that several tons of rock fell squarely on the Captain, he was driven straight into the ground but apparently not seriously injured, though stunned. The Captain has been beamed up to Sickbay, leaving me in command of the research party. Captain's Log, Stardate 54342.1: The creature is still at large on the planet surface. While Mr. Spock continues to lead a research party I am currently at work with Mr. Scott on an Acme Pressure Cooker for our lab, for when the creature is finally apprehended. Captain's Log, stardate 54342.3: The strange occurrences that have dogged the landing party since our arrival at this planet have led me to believe that the creature is in some way directly responsible for them. Mr. Chekov and I have both been declared fit for return to duty, though Dr. McCoy has entered in his medical log that he feels we should be kept under observation. Mr. Spock has constructed a device which he suspects should be able to counteract the creature's incredible speed as follows: We have placed a dish of birdseed out in the open, with several signs pointing to it. The dish is atop a cleverly concealed trap door, which will open when any weight falls on it. The creature will then travel a slide, eventually being deposited in a cage constructed of sheets of transparent aluminum. We will then be free to analyze it at our leisure. Meanwhile, I have forbidden all beaming down to the surface of the planet except on my or Mr. Spock's direct order. Captain's Log, supplemental: The plan failed. The creature was indeed lured by the birdseed, as expected. It sped to the dish, consumed the bait, and sped off without setting off the trap. Mr. Spock is as puzzled as I, and has begun tests to discover the flaw in the design. I have sent out three search parties to see if we can box the creature in, one headed by Mr. Sulu, one by Mr. Chekov, and one by Sociologist Xontel. Captain's Log, stardate 54342.8: Sociologist Xontel has been temporarily incapacitated. In pursuing the creature, he and his men somehow managed to cross the place where Mr. Spock's trap was set just as he completed the corrections to it. The trap was sprung, and all four of my men were suspended for a moment in mid-air, puzzled, just before they fell into the cage we constructed. We are now trying to release them with phasers, as the lock was inadvertently smashed by the impact from Sociologist Xontel's foot as he fell. I consider this a major setback. Mr. Spock considers it "fascinating." Captain's Log, stardate 54343.4: In an all-out attempt to stop the creature once and for all, I have had a phaser rifle beamed down from the Enterprise. The creature has behaved in an extremely cunning manner, yet I am unsure whether this is a sign of actual intelligence. Lt. Uhura has been unsuccessful in her attempts to raise Starfleet Command. Meanwhile, Mr. Scott informs me that our dilithium crystals are deteriorating at an alarming rate. He has juryrigged a system that will prevent the decay for a time, but it is imperative that we find new crystals soon. Captain's Log, supplemental: Mr. Sulu reports high energy tricorder readings from an area of the planet in which the creature has not yet been sighted. He has taken a small party, including Mr. Spock, to the high-elevation spot from which the readings emanate. I have begun to analyze the creature's movements. It seems to travel consistently over a set path. Perhaps we can corner it in a tunnel it seems to pass through frequently. Captain's Log, stardate 54344.7: Mr. Sulu has located a cache of ACME dilithium crystals atop a high cliff. Regretfully, while collecting them, the edge of the cliff broke off, and he and Mr. Spock plummeted several hundred feet to the ground below. Strangely enough, they both survived the fall with no more than raising a cloud of dust on impact, although they did pass the chunk of rock on the way down and end up completely buried. A rescue excavation has commenced, and they should be safe shortly. Captain's Log, stardate 54344.9: Mr. Spock has beamed up to the ship with them to assist Mr. Scott in their installation, as he foresees compatibility problems. Back on the planet's surface, Mr. Chekov led seven men into the tunnel in an attempt to capture the creature in transit. A loud BEEP, BEEP was heard, and Chekov aimed the phaser rifle and commanded his men to spread out. I wish to state for the record that I would have acted similarly, and that Ensign Chekov should in no way be held responsible for the unfortunate circumstances arising from the unexpected appearance of an old Earth-style freight train. He has been beamed back up to the ship with minor injuries. Captain's Log, stardate 54345.1: Dr. McCoy has beamed down with a hypo containing a mixture of kyranide, tri-ox compound, Scalosian concentrate, a theragram derivative, and some other items he found in unmarked containers in Sickbay. By injecting a small amount into each member of the landing party, I hope to be able to deal with the creature on its own high speed terms. Captain's Log, supplemental: The latest experiment to deal with the strange creature has failed. As Dr. McCoy was injecting a measured dose of the compound, it abruptly appeared behind him and uttered a loud BEEP, BEEP! Dr. McCoy, understandably flustered, accidentally pressured in the entire contents of the hypo into his arm. A full security team is in pursuit of him, waiting for the effects of the drug to wear off. Captain's Log, stardate 54345.2: I have ordered the landing party transported back to the ship. The new dilithium crystals have been successfully installed. On my responsibility, the ship is preparing to engage main phasers to attack the creature, which continues on its semi-erratic course across the planet's surface. Captain's Log, supplemental: This is a warning to all other starships that may pass this way. Do not approach this planet! The illogical events occurring here are too much to overcome with simple science. If you have heard the events transcribed in the rest of this log, you will learn that this creature is nearly undefeatable. We channeled full ship's power through the phaser banks. Theoretically, the creature should have been destroyed; however, the energies were too much strain for the ACME crystals. The full force of the phasers backlashed over the Enterprise, engulfing her completely. At first, the only noticeable effect was a complete failure of all systems save emergency gravity and life support. Then a web of black lines spread through the Enterprise's superstructure. Next, the ship began breaking up, piece by piece, falling through the atmosphere to land on the surface of the planet. When the ship had collapsed entirely, my crew was left hanging in space for a short time, and finally each of us began to fall to the planet below. We have no theories on how any of us survived, but every crewmember has reported nothing more than a sense of uneasiness, followed by the realization that they were several hundred miles up in the air, a sinking sensation, and then a gradual drop: first the feet, then the body, and finally the head, usually wearing a resigned expression of perplexion. We are attempting now to communicate with the creature in the hopes that it will prove intelligent. Perhaps we can communicate our peaceful intentions to it. Mr. Spock has constructed a crude rocket launcher from the wreckage of the ship, and with this we hope to send the recorder marker up into space, where hopefully someone will find it. Captain James T. Kirk, recording. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Grabbed my copy of _The Best of Trek_, and selected a few of the jokes therein. First the "Spock, Spock" jokes... ============================ Spock, Spock. Who's there? Nova. Nova who? Nova good bar in this spaceport? Spock, Spock. Who's there? Epsilon. Epsilon who? Epsilon way to Tipperary... Spock, Spock. Who's there? Horta. Horta who? Horta do something about these jokes. Spock, Spock. Who's there? Sackett. Sackett who? Sackett to me, Sackett to me... Spock, Spock. Who's there? Plasma. Plasma who? Plasma the salt, please. Next, a couple of Star Trek Limericks... ========================= There was a young doc named McCoy Who cloned himself, more to enjoy The girls aboard ship But he made a slip They all wanted the _real_ McCoy. Sarek and Amanda were dating Amanda was patiently waiting For signs of romance Soft words, a slow dance What she got was an efficiency rating. Let's see - how about a few with Uhura next... ============================= Uhura: "Everyone on this ship thinks I'm crazy because I like pastrami on rye." McCoy: "That doesn't mean you're crazy. I like pastrami on rye, too." Uhura: "Great! You must come and see my collection!" Uhura was working at her console when she suddenly straightened up. "I think there's a sick crew member on Deck 9," she said. As no message was received, Kirk was baffled, but he sent McCoy to check it out. Sure enough, the doctor reported that a crew member had, indeed, collapsed where Uhura had predicted. Impressed, Kirk turned to her. "You must be psychic, Uhura. How did you know that crewman was ill?" Uhura smiled. "I had my ailing frequencies open, sir." Uhura was having a rough time getting friendly with the shy new young ensign. Finally, she asked, "Would you like to see where I was operated on for appendicitis?" "Gosh, no!" he said. "I hate hospitals!" New Crewman: "Where do I eat?" Uhura: "You mess with the officers." New Crewman: "I figured that, but where do I eat." Show me Uhura reciting verse at warp speed... and I'll show you poetry in motion. Here's a few miscellaneous ones... ============================= What do you call it when two science officers are having an argument? Science Friction. A young man was applying to join Starfleet. "Where were you born?" asked the recruiting officer. "Earth, sir." "What part?" "All of me, sir." Show me a man who is a good loser... and I'll show you a junior officer playing chess with his captain. Did you hear about the Federation weapons expert? He never forgets a phaser. Why is Star Trek so successful? It has good Genes. What is Sargon's favorite song? "Everybody Need Some Body Sometime." Notice aboard the Enterprise: Rule 1 - The captain is always right. Rule 2 - If the captain is wrong, refer to rule 1. What would you have is all the Star Trek fans in Switzerland got together? The Geneva Convention. Overheard in a corridor: Crewman: "I've got a brother at Starfleet Science Academy." Crewwoman: "What's he studying?" Crewman: "Nothing. They're studying him." Mary Sue: I just got engaged to Kevin!" Mary Jane: "Really?" Mary Sue: "No, Riley." What's Black and White and Red all over? A Cheron with a sunburn. Aliens - Gotta do the aliens... ============================= The Kzinti had captured a Medusan, but since Medusans are energy beings, they had trouble deciding how to eat him. The Kzinti captain had the last word. He said they should use lots of sugar, because, "everyone knows a spoonful of sugar helps the Medusan go down." What does a Romulan frog use for camouflage? A croaking device. It seems the Klingons had a diabolical plan to wrap all the Federation starships in silver paper. Luckily, the plan was foiled. Where does a ten-foot Mugato sleep? Anywhere he wants too. What do you call a ten-foot Mugato? Sir. What is a Kzinti's favorite food? Baked beings on toast. What do you call a Klingon with half a brain? Gifted! What do you call a Klingon with no brain? Normal. What is the longest four years of a Klingon's life? Third grade. How do you get a one-armed Klingon out of a tree? Wave to him. Why can't Klingon kids play in sandboxes? Cats keep trying to cover them up. Why did the Klingon cross the road? To conquer the other side. Harry! Harry Mudd! ============================= Harry Mudd was arrested and charged with fraud for selling maps to the Foundation of Youth. When computer records were checked, it was discovered that he had been arrested for the same offence in 1716, 1986, 2005, and Stardate 25.8 Harry Mudd was on trial for one of his many crimes. "Do you mean to tell me," said the judge indignantly, "that you murdered an old lady for only three credits?" Harry shrugged. "You know how it is, your honor. Three credits here, three credits there... it all adds up." Harry Mudd was on trial again. "Harry," said the judge, "You're accused of throwing your wife, Stella, out of the window. This is a most serious crime." "But your honor," cried Harry, "be lenient. You've met my wife." "Yes," answered the judge with a shudder, "and I don't blame you for what you did. But don't you understand she could have _landed_ on somebody?" Time for Spock and Vulcans... ============================= How did T'Pring's parents react when they learned she was not marrying Spock? They were Stonned. What are eyeglasses called on Vulcan? Spocktacles. What king of noise is made by Vulcan popguns? T'Pau. Mr. Spock: "Give me an example of orbital decay." Chekov: "Er... an astronaut with bad teeth?" Mr. Spock: "What is the formula for pi?" Chekov: "Er... apple or blueberry, sir?" Spock: "A syzygy is three heavenly bodies lined up in a row. Give me an example." Sulu: "Mudd's Women!" Gotta take shots at Captain Kirk, of course. ============================= After a particularly grueling mission, Captain Kirk complained that he was seeing spots before his eyes. "Have you seen Dr. McCoy?" asked Spock. "No," replied Kirk. "Only spots." Then there was the time Janice Rand complained that someone had cut a peephole into her cabin door. Captain Kirk promised to look into it. Why couldn't Kirk close his operations manual? There was a Wolf in the Fold. Noticing the medals on Balok's chest, Kirk asked, "Did you win those in combat?" "Oh, no,"said Balok. "I don't believe in military service." "Did you shrink from battle?" asked Kirk. "No," shrugged Balok. "I've always been this size." McCoy was giving one of his periodic lectures to Captain Kirk. "Jim, I recommend you give up drinking, cut out poker, stop staying up late, and, especially, quit running around with women. That would be best for you." "Frankly, Bones," grinned Kirk, "I don't deserve the best. What's second best?" Captain Kirk: "Since all of you crew members performed so inefficiently today, there'll be no liberty at Starbase Seven." Voice: "Give me liberty, or give me death!" Captain Kirk: "Who said that?" Voice: "Patrick Henry." McCoy: Should we have a friendly game of cards?" Kirk: "No, lets play poker." Kirk: "I had a date with a two-headed Venusian girl last night." McCoy: "have any luck?" Kirk: "Well... yes and no." A young crewman, wanting leave, went to Captain Kirk's quarters and told a sad story about his sick wife, who was longing to see him. Kirk shook his head angrily. "I just talked to your wife via subspace radio, Johnson, and no only is she not sick, she said whenever you get leave all you do is get drunk, mistreat her, and run around with other women. Request denied." The forlorn crewman saluted and turned to go. At the door he paused and turned to Kirk. "Captain," he said with a rueful grin, "I thought I was pretty good, but you're a better bluffer than I am. I ain't even got no wife!" Kirk was chatting with a newly commissioned ensign when a crewman approached and asked to speak with him. "Go ahead, son," Kirk said. "It's kind of confidential, captain. I'd rather not say it in front of the ensign." "Well," said Kirk, "spell it then." Let's poke at a few other members of the crew, shall we? ============================= Arex and Christine Chapel were visiting a zoo on Earth. At the lion's cage, the beast opened its mouth and gave a mighty roar. Startled, Arex said he was getting out of there. "I'll meet you back on board later," said Christine. "I want to see the rest of the movie." Sulu: "I've just discovered that Ilia's sister is a redhead." Chekov: "But I thought Deltans don't have any hair." Sulu: "She doesn't. She just has a red head." Dr. M'Benga was experimenting with cloning alien species. His first experiment was a disaster, the result was ugly and obscene. He decided to get rid of it by jettisoning it out of a hatch. Unfortunately, Captain Kirk saw him do it, and now M'Benga is facing a charge of making an obscene clone fall. When the Melkotians beamed Kirk, Spock, Chekov, and McCoy down to the recreation of the OK Corral, none of the officers knew how to use the old-style six-guns. You see, they came from a time where no man had guns before. A visiting admiral approached Cheokov's station on the Enterprise. Thinking he would test the young officer, he asked, "What would you do if the weapons officer suddenly got his head blown off?" "Nothing, sir." "Why nothing?" "Because I'm the weapons officer, sir." Sulu discovered Kevin Riley standing below a gigantic golden statue of a young woman. Riley reported that the eyes were made of diamonds. "How do you know?" asked Sulu. "I climbed some stairs inside," said Kevin, "For the girl is hollow and I have touched her eyes." Lieutenant Kyle: "Dr. McCoy. I sleep all day, stay awake all night. I'm hot all the time and can't stop dancing. And I see rings before my eyes! What's Wrong with me?" McCoy: "Sounds like Saturn Day Night Fever." "Dr. McCoy," said Sulu, "Every night I have the same dream - four beautiful women break into my cabin and try to seduce me." "So what do you do?" asked McCoy. "I push them away." "Well, what do you want me to do?" "Please, Doc," pleaded Sulu, "break both my arms!" Well, let's finish this up with Scotty... ============================= If Mr Spock has pointed ears, what does Mr. Scott have? Engineers. Mr. Spock was helping Engineer Scott fix the transporter. "Grab that blue wire," said Scotty. Spock did so. "Feel anything?" Scotty asked. Spock shook his head. "Well then," said Scotty, "don't touch the other one or you'll drop dead." Dr, McCoy finished his examination of Scotty and shook his head. "Scotty, I can't find any reason for your stomach pains. Frankly, I thinks it's due to drinking." "In that case, Leonard," said Scotty, "I'll come back when you're sober." Scotty and Sulu had been at the K-7 saloon for three hours when suddenly in walked a strange alien being. He was eight feet tall, weighed less than a hundred pounds, and had orange skin, purple hair, and six yellow eyes. To top it all off, he was wearing a red-and-blue- striped suit. Scotty stared at him for a long while and finally rose and staggered over to the being. "Pardon me askin', friend, bu' wha' do ye look like when Ah'm sober?" The next day, the bartender was just opening up the place when a pink elephant and a rhinoceros came strolling in. The bartender shook his head. "Sorry, boys, Scotty hasn't come in yet." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ There were three men off to somewhere on a business trip: an Italian, a Frenchman, and an American. The Italian and Frenchman got into a "can you top this" discussion with regards to their love lives. "I made love to my wife six times last night," the Frenchman exclaimed, "and she made me crepes for breakfast this morning." "Ha! I made love to my wife ten times and this morning she said she loved, adored, and worshipped me!" countered the Italian. The heated discussion continued between the two when they noticed the American had remained quiet the whole time. "Tell me," chided the Italian, "how many times did you make love to YOUR wife last night?" "Once" replied the American. "Once!?" the other man gasped, and started laughing. The Frenchman settled down enough to ask, "And just what did she say to you this morning?" "Don't stop!!!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Wendell, the armorous eagle, in quest of a mate, seized a dove and carried it to his cave. Once in the next, he made love to her. While leaving, she said, "I'm a dove! I'm a dove! I love to love!" Then the eagle caught a loon. In the nest his captive crooned: "I'm a loon! I'm a loon! I love to spoon!" Then the eagle captured a duck. But in the nest, the duck quacked, "I'm a drake! I'm a drake! Oy! Have you made a mistake!" ******************** Denton, a dog trainer, went bankrupt and was forced to go to work until he could start out in the dog-raising business again. He found a job as a waiter in a small New Orleans restaurant. After working for a few days, Denton said to the owner of the place, "I'm turning out to be a pretty good waiter, don't you think?" Said the proprietor, "If you don't mind, I'm going to make a couple of suggestions about your work." "Such as?" asked Denton. "Well," said the owner, "when the customer refuses to eat his food, we don't rub his nose in it!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ My next door neighbor calls an escort service, asking for "a tall, dark-skinned female at least 6' tall, thin -- no more than 125 lbs. -- and willing to do anything without question." "I've a young lady who fits that description," the gentleman at the service answered. "Have her at my place at about 5:00 this evening," he said, giving the service his credit card number and address. That evening when the doorbell rang my neighbor was introduced to a tall, dark-skinned woman from Ethiopia who had to stoop slightly to clear the top of the doorframe as her thin, 120 lb figure glided into the room. "Glad to meet you," my neighbor said, shaking her hand as he closed the door. "Come in, step into the front room, take off your clothes, get down on all fours and don't move!" "You don't believe in messing around," the girl said, undressing, "I like a customer who knows what he wants!" "Yeahyeahyeah, okok," he says to the woman kneeling on all fours, "Wait right there... yeah, just like that. Don't move!" Dissappearing into the next room, he returns, dragging a great dane in at the end of a long, thick leash. Getting down eye-level with the animal, he slaps his hands on either side of the dog's head, directing its attention to the posing female. "That," he says sternly to the great dane, "is what you're gonna look like if you don't eat!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ HOW TO TELL IF A TRUCK IS Company OWNED It's easy company trucks are different from personal trucks, in these ways: o Company trucks travel faster in all gears. o They accelerate much faster than personal trucks, leaving tire marks on the pavement. o They enjoy a much shorter braking distance, leaving more tire marks. o They can take bumps at twice the speed of private trucks. o Company trucks normally require oil changes at 100,000-mile intervals. o Their floors are shaped like ash trays, and accommodate milk cartons, Coke bottles, leftover food and wrappers. o They can be driven a hundred miles or more with the oil pressure light flashing. o Company trucks are not designed to be wash, waxed or retain hub caps. o They are adapted to allow the transmission to be shifted into reverse while going forward at twenty miles per hour. o Their tire walls are designed for bumping into and going over curbs. o Company trucks are always used to jump start private vehicles or give them a push. o Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning the radio volume up. o Company trucks are always used to go after lunch and other personal needs during work hours. o All company trucks have many dents in their body inflected by a mysterious person called "Not Me." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ 1) Why do they sterilize the needles they use for lethal injections? 2) how do you KNOW it's new & improved dog food? 3) Why do they put locks on the doors of 24-hour stores? 4) What do they use to ship styrofoam? 5) Why do they call it rush hour when everything moves so slow? 6) Why is abbreviation such a long word? 7) If sour milk is used to make yogurt, how do you know when yogurt has gone bad? 8) Why do they put an expiry date on sour cream? 9) Why do we PARk on DRIVEways and DRIVE on PARKways? 10) Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets? 11) How do you know when your bagpipe needs tuning? 12) Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns 'cause they taste funny? 13) Does the term "virgin wool" mean that it comes from sheep that the shepherd hasn't gotten around to yet? 14) If the front of your vehicle says DODGE, do you really need a horn? 15) what do sheep count when they can't sleep at night? 16) If you choke a smurf, what colour does he turn? 17) Does fuzzy logic tickle when you think about it? 18) Do blind eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs? 19) What would we have called the colour orange if it wasn't a fruit? 20) Do they have reserved spots near the entrances for non-handicap cars at the Special Olympics? 21) Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one? ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ In a window of a Swedish furrier:"Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin." In a Tokyo bar: "Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts." In a Bangkok temple:"It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner, if dressed as a man." In an East African newspaper:"A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers." On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:"Our wines leave you nothing to hope for." In a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ACTUAL EXCUSES SENT TO SCHOOLS BY PARENTS: ------------------------------------------- My son is under the doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. Please excuse Mary for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. Dear School: Please eckuse John for being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and 33. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. John has been absent because he had 2 teeth taken off his face. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side. Please excuse Tom for being absent yesterday. He has diarrhea and his boots leak. Please excuse John for being. It was his father's fault. Please excuse Jane. She had been sick and under the doctor. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend a funeral. Please excuse my son's tardiness. I forgot to wake him up and I didn't find him until I started making the beds. Please excuse Harriet from school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it on Monday, we thought it was Sunday. Please excuse Ray from school. He has very loose vowels. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ **GUIDELINES FOR HAPPY MODEMING** # 1: Apply butt to chair and fingers to keyboard. # 2: Get a good spell checker. # 3: TYPING IN ALL CAPS MEANS SHOUTING!!! (Cool it.) # 4: Do *not* go into a new echo and ask "What do ya'll do here?" # 5: Discover off-line readers. # 6: Remember which conference you are in. # 7: Never begin a message with "I KNOW this is off-topic... but" # 8: The *stupid* question is the one unasked. # 9: We're born with *sex*; everything else must be *LEARNED*. #10: *Flaming* doesn't make for *understanding*. #11: The other person has another point of view. Read carefully. #12: Don't like what you're seeing? Press "ENTER/RETURN" for relief. #13: I love my country; the other fellow loves his! No *bashing*! #14: Admit to a mistake; apologize; then move on. :-) #15: Download your mail regularly; keep in contact with your buds. #16: Watch YOUR spelling, but don't worry the other guy about his. #17: Be nice to the person using English as a *second* language. #18: Find out how to do FIDO Email if at all possible. #19: RIME direct routing is easy! Ask your Conference Host about it. #20: Feel irritated? _WAIT_ before uploading that HOT retort! #21: Feel good? Share it with others! :-) #22: Murphy's Law: "If something CAN go wrong, it WILL!" #23: 90% of computing problems: Loose nut between keyboard & chair. #24: We have no "rights" here; only privileges. #25: Age is irrelevant. A poised 13 beats an older *jerk*, any time. #26: Want to curse and *flame*? ... Take it to the Internet!! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Wanna mail a letter but have no stamp? Just address it to yourself and put the address you want it to go to as the return address. I did this once and it actually worked. It arrived at the intended destination with a note that the post office could not deliver it without proper postage (or so THEY thought). ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ On April 1st., a man was bored and called a number of an old lady that was residing in a nursing home. Old Lady: "Hello?" Man: "Hello. I'm with the phone company and I'm fixing the phone line outside. Could you do me a favor? In the next 30 minutes, don't answer your phone if it rings, ok?" Old Lady: "Oh. Ok..." Old Lady: (answers phone) "Hello?" Man: "BZZZZTTT BZZZ BZZZZZ AHHHHHHRRRGG!" Old Lady: "OH! OOO! OH! OH! OH!!! Oh My!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The Pope calls a meeting of all the cardinals. When they have all assembled at the Vatican, he takes them into the meeting hall and states, "I have some really fantastic news and some very terrible news." Of course, all the cardinals want to hear the good news first, so the Pope tells them, "Jesus Christ has returned to the world. The time of judgement is at hand, and our faith in his existence is justified." After the commotion dies down a bit, one of the cardinals speaks up, asking what the terrible news is. The Pope replies, "He was calling from Salt Lake City." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ From: rwilco@interlog.com (Adam Allouba) Subject: The history of DOS Found this gem on the NANET Comedy Conference. If you know anything about DOS vs Windows vs OS/2 vs... then READ IT. How It Came To Pass... Long ago, in the days when all disks flopped in the breeze and the writing of words was on a star, the Blue Giant dug for the people the Pea Sea. But he needed a creature who could sail the waters, and would need for support but few rams. So the Gatekeeper, who was said to be both micro and soft, fashioned a Dosfish, who was small and spry, and could swim the narrow sixteen-bit channel. But the Dosfish was not bright, and could be taught few new tricks. His alphabet had no A's, B's, or Q's, but a mere 640 K's, and the size of his file cabinet was limited by his own fat. At first the people loved the Dosfish, for he was the only one who could swim the Pea Sea. But the people soon grew tired of commanding his line, and complained that he could be neither dragged nor dropped. "Forsooth," they cried. "the Dosfish can only do one job at a time, and of names, he knows only eight and three." And many of them left the Pea Sea for good, and went off in search of the Magic Apple. Although many went, far more stayed, because admittance to the Pea Sea was cheap. So the Gateskeeper studied the Magic Apple, and rested awhile in the Parc of Xer-Ox, and he made a Window that could ride on the Dosfish and do its thinking for it. But the Window was slow, and it would break when the Dosfish got confused. So most people contented themselves with the Dosfish. Now it came to pass that the Blue Giant came upon the Gateskeeper, and spoke thus: "Come, let us make of ourselves something greater than the Dosfish." The Blue Giant seemed like a humbug, so they called the new creature OZ II. Now Oz II was smarter than the Dosfish, as most things are. It could drag and drop, and could keep files without becoming fat. But the people cared for it not. So the Blue Giant and the Gateskeeper promised another OZ II, to be called Oz II Too, that could swim the fast new 32-bit wide Pea Sea. Then lo, a strange miracle occurred. Although the Window that rode on the Dosfish was slow, it was pretty, and the third Window was the prettiest of all. And the people began to like the third Window, and to use it. So the Gateskeeper turned to the Blue Giant and said, "Fie on thee, for I need thee not. Keep thy OZ II Too, and I shall make of my Window an Entity that will not need the Dosfish, and will swim in the 32-bit Pea Sea." Years passed, and the workshops of the Gateskeeper and the Blue Giant were overrun by insects. And the people went on using their Dosfish with a Window; even though the Dosfish would from time to time become confused and die, it could always be revived with three fingers. Then there came a day when the Blue Giant let forth his OZ II Too onto the world. The Oz II Too was indeed mighty, and awesome, and required a great ram, and the world was changed not a whit. For the people said, "It is indeed great, but we see little application for it." And they were doubtful, because the Blue Giant had met with the Magic Apple, and together they were fashioning a Taligent, and the Taligent was made of objects, and was most pink. Now the Gateskeeper had grown ambitious, and as he had been ambitious before he grew, he was now more ambitious still. So he protected his Window Entity with great security, and made its net work both in serving and with peers. And the Entity would swim, not only in the Pea Sea, but in the Oceans of Great Risk. "Yea," the Gateskeeper declared, "though my entity will require a greater ram than Oz II Too, it will be more powerful than a world of Eunuchs. And so the Gateskeeper prepared to unleash his Entity to the world, in all but two cities. For he promised that a greater Window, a greater Entity, and even a greater Dosfish would appear one day in Chicago and Cairo, and it too would be built of objects. Now the Eunuchs who lived in the Oceans of Great Risk, and who scorned the Pea Sea, began to look upon their world with fear. For the Pea Sea had grown, and great ships were sailing in it, the Entity was about to invade their oceans, and it was rumored that files would be named in letters greater than eight. And the Eunuchs looked upon the Pea Sea, and many of them thought to immigrate. Within the Oceans of Great Risk were many Sun Worshippers, and they wanted to excel, and make their words perfect, and do their jobs as easy as one-two-three. And what's more, many of them no longer wanted to pay for the Risk. So the Sun Lord went to the Pea Sea, and got himself eighty-sixed. And taking the next step was He of the NextStep, who had given up building his boxes of black. And he proclaimed loudly that he could help anyone make wondrous soft wares, then admitted meekly that only those who know him could use those wares, and he was made of objects, and required the biggest ram of all. And the people looked out upon the Pea Sea, and they were sore amazed. And sore confused. And sore sore. And that is why, to this day, Ozes, Entities, and Eunuchs battle on the shores of the Pea Sea, but the people still travel on the simple Dosfish. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Clinton .--------------. ##### | Isn't that | Reno ####### | how you | /~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~\ ## - - ## | got into | | Damnit! Why can't `\ ( O ) | this mess | ////|||\\\\ | Paula Jones just `> O o .\ `-' / | in the first | //// \\\ \\\\ | drop her suit? /' ___/\___/\___ \ place? / ||/ 0 0 \|| \__________________/' /' \ =o= / `\ `\______ \ ||( ^ )|| | \ / | ~~~~~``||`\ ,=, /`|| | | \ / | | ~~ ) ( ~~ / /| |, |\ \ ,---'\===/`---, / / | |, | \ \ /' _ \ / _ `\ mMM | |, | MMm ( \ | .| | / ) |~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~| `\ _\| .| |/_ /' | |~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~| | (mm; .| |. How would you like to save money off your long distance calling? Me: If I told you that I was very happy with my current carrier, would that preclude any further conversation? Him: Actually, no, sir. I have to hear a certain number of "no's" before I let you go. Me: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Him: Have a nice day, sir. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ This paraphrased story has been taken from June 1995 issue of Oregon Cycling. Apparantly, a local cyclist had a bit of trouble with a dog that ran off someone's porch and chased him down. He had a few words with the dog's owner and left. Later, he returned to take down the address of the house to file a formal complaint. When he returned, another person came out of the house with a gun. The cyclist fled as the person fired a couple of shots into the air. A year and a half later, the case finally came to trial and the gun-toting person was found guily of menacing. The cyclist said that the person probably did NOT help their case by: a) telling the jury that his hero was John Wayne b) not knowing exactly how many guns he owned and, c) that he strapped on his gun every day after coming home from working at the post office. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A traveling salesman approached an old farmhouse and noticed the strange behavior of the couple inside. The woman was running the lawn mower over the carpet and the man had one hand dipped in a fishbowl and was playing with himself with the other. The salesman assumed they were crazy and moved on. After he'd finished his pitch at the next farmhouse, he mentioned what he'd just seen. "Oh, those folks ain't crazy," the farmer said, "They're both deaf mutes. She was telling him to mow the lawn, and he was telling her to go fuck herself because he was going fishing." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ [Note - Grateful Dead lead guitarist Jerry Garcia died yesterday morning, reportedly of natural causes. And so it begins. My apologies in advance to fans of the Dead or Mr. Garcia - ed] = = = = = = = From: anderdo@moose.gdss.grumman.com (Doug Anderson) Subject: Gerry Garcia's Death I can see the Headline now: Head Deadhead Dead = = = = = = = From: Eric.Miller@bbs.mhv.net (Eric Miller) Subject: Garcia's Death Certifcate We heard on the radio that Jerry Garcia died today at the age of 53. We didn't get to hear what the cause of death was, so were forced to speculate: Drug underdose. = = = = = = = From: rcoats@netcom.com (Robert S. Coats) Subject: Jerry G. Joke Original: Q: What's the difference between Jerry Garcia and a music critic? A: Now that one is dead, the other is gratefull. = = = = = = = From: scooper@cwa.com (Scott Cooper) Subject: The passing of a giant This is original: I was talking to an office mate about the death of Grateful Dead guitarist Jerry Garcia. "I guess it won't be long before they have a commemorative stamp for him," she said. "Yeah," I said, "a food stamp." = = = = = = = From: noflames@nowhere.com (Bozo) Subject: Jerry Garcia Joke What's the saddest part of Jerry Garcia dying? The deadheads having to get real jobs. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ July 12, 1995, is a date that will live long in my memory. It was the day when a friend, Robin Murphy, five months pregnant, said, and I quote with permission, "I think of birth control as a true recreational drug." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ In article <3u6moi$sn2@newsbf02.news.aol.com>, foo wrote: > >I have noticed that some postings are disappearing faster than others. Why >is that and who decides? > Its the size of the article. You see, the articles are stored on disk. An article is encoded in things known as 'bits' which are written on the disk. A disk is a rotating platter. As anyone knows centrifugal force will force anything off of a rotating surface. As time goes on, the article moves closer and closer to the edge of the disk, and finally, it flies right off. Of course, the larger articles (more bits == more weight) tend to fly off faster. Unix systems have something known as a "sticky bit" which can help articles remain longer if it is set. Remember, USENET was originally set up by Unix people, and they knew what they were doing. On the other hand, some systems have their own rules, and you might get a better (or at least more correct) answer by asking the people who administer your machine. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ From: funny-request@clari.net (Funny Guy) Subject: Latest Microsoft digest [Note - below find the best of the recent comments about the upcoming release of Microsoft Windows '95 - ed.] = = = = = = = From: shadow@nash.pubnix.net (John David Anderson) Subject: Crying This is original. So Bill Gates has paid Mick and the boys 12 million dollars to use "Start It Up" to sell Windows 95. For those who don't know the song, it's the one that goes "You make a grown man cry...". Food for thought. = = = = = = = From: sinteur@lunatech.com (John W. Sinteur) Subject: windows 95 add Today I heard that microsoft is paying the Stones $12 million for the rights to use "You can start me up" in their advertisements. Excuse me for being a foreigner, but I was not aware of the fact that US truth-in-advertisement laws require you to exhaustively describe the complete feature set of a product in your add. = = = = = = = From: trey@brs.com (Trey Jones) Subject: Win95 is coming Windows '95 ships August 24th 1995 Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated. = = = = = = = From: lmh@world.std.com (Larry M Headlund) Organization: Eikonal Systems Subject: Sympathy for the Devil Commenting on the licensing of the Rolling Stones' song _Start Me Up_ by Microsoft as part of the ad campaign for Windows95, music licensing expert Al Kohn said to the Wall Street Journal (8/18/95): "You can't always get what you want, but if you're Microsoft you get what you need." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The Male Guide to Selecting an Outfit by Alan Meiss, ameiss[at]indiana.edu ---------- ----------- ------------------- ------- | Are there| No | Are there | "What's a | Are there clothes | No | Buy | |clothes in|---->|clothes in | hamper?" | strewn in random |---->| more | | dresser? | |the hamper?|----------->|piles on the floor?| |clothes| ---------- ----------- ------------------- ------- | Yes | Yes | Yes +--------------------------------------------- | V --------------- | Take whatever | | is on top | --------------- ------------------------ | | | V V | -------- No --------- ----------- | Is |---------->| Perform | "Ohmigosh" | Spray | | it | Not sure | smell |------------>| with | | clean? |---------->| test | | deodorant | -------- --------- ----------- | Yes | "Not bad" +-------------------- | V -------------- --------- ------------- |For underwear:| "Which ones are |Will they| "I may get |Place item on| |Are there many| for my legs?" | be | arrested." | dirty pile; | | holes? |----------------->| visible?|------------->| start over | -------------- --------- ------------- | No | No +--------------------------------- | V --------- ------------ ----------------------------------- | Is it | Yes | Do you | Yes |But would you rather have a tick on| |wrinkled?|----->|really care?|----->| your eyeball than iron a shirt? | --------- ------------ ----------------------------------- | No | No | Yes +------------------------------------------------ | V -------- Kinda ------- --------- | Does |----------------->| Is it | No | Seek the| | it | "Does it what?" | dark |---->|advice of| | match? |----------------->| out? | | a female| -------- ------- --------- | Yes | Yes +-------------------------- | V ---------- | Put on | | clothes! | ---------- ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ I came home last night and reported to my wife that Microsoft had just paid millions of dollars for the rights to use a Rolling Stones song in their new Windows 95 advertising campaign. Her immediate response was: Must be "Can't get no satisfaction.". ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ LeRoy is an 18 year old 9th grader. This is LeRoy's homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary work in a sentence. 1) Foreclose - If I pay alimony this month, I'll have no money forclose. 2) Rectum - I had two Cadillacs, buy my ol'lady rectum both. 3) Hotel - I gave my girlfriend da crabs and the hotel everybody. 4) Disappointment - My parole officer tol me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to da big house. 5) Penis - I went to da doctor and he handed me a cup and said penis. 6) Israel - Alonso tried to sell me a Rolex, I said, man that looks fake. He said bullshit, that watch Israel. 7) Catacomb - Don King was at the fight the other night, man somebodyu oughta give dat catacomb. 8) Undermine - There is a fine lookin hoe livin' in the appartment undermine. 9) Acoustic - When I was lil' my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to da pool hall. 10) Iraq - When we got to da pool hall, I tol my uncle iraq, you break. 11) Stain - My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her do you plan on stain for dinner? 12) Seldom - My cousin gave me two tickets to the Nicks game, so I seldom. 13) Honor - At the rape trial, the Judge axed my buddy, who be honor first? 14) Odyssey - I tol my brother, you odyssey the tits on that hoe. 15) Horde - My sister go in trouble because she horde around in school. 16) Tripoli - I was gonna buy my ol'lady a bra for her birthday, but I couldn't find a tripoli. 17) Fortify - I axed the hoe how much? She said fortify, honey. 18) Income - I just got in bed wit dis hoe and income my wife. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Top 10 Rolling Stones songs that would be more appropriate than "Start Me Up" for the Windows '95 commercial 10. Just My Imagination 9. I'm Going Down 8. Let It Bleed 7. Gimme Shelter 6. Bitch 5. Shattered 4. Play With Fire 3. (I can't get no) Satisfaction 2. You Can't Always Get What you Want ... and the number one.. one.. one.. 1. 19th Nervous Breakdown ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ From: aqtlc@imap1.asu.edu Organization: Arizona State University Subject: A sign of Windows 95 My wife got a car sun shade at the local Win 95 launch event and on one side it says: I was there at the start. On the other side it says: I need assistance. Please Call Police. = = = = = = = From: wje@netcom.com (William J. Evans) Subject: Windows 95: just add... Organization: better, but not good enough yet An obviously clueless lady called in to a talk radio show and asked, "Do I need, um, a computer to use Windows 95?" The host's response was perfect: "You'll have less trouble with Windows 95 _without_ a computer than _with_ one." = = = = = = = From: des@bristol.st.com (David Shepherd) Subject: What you can't get for $12 billion At yesterdays Windows 95 launch event in London after seeing the Bill Gates video addres, Jonathon Ross, who was compere-ing the event, is reported to have told the assembled guests "money can buy you many things, but it does not necessarily buy a decent haircut". = = = = = = = From: azacher@beta.tricity.wsu.edu (Alan H. Zacher) Subject: Win9x: REM Ad themesong After hearing that REM rejected the MS offer to buy a song for ad purposes, it came to me that it might have been: LOSING MY CONNECTION by Alan Zacher to the tune of Losing My Religion (Appologies to REM) Windoze is bigger It's bigger than Earth But not quite as big as The things that I must do now To upgrade all my stuff Oh no I need more RAM I set it up That's me in the corner That's me on the help line Losing my connection Trying to keep up with OS/2 And I don't know if I can do it Oh no I need more RAM I haven't bought enough I thought that I heard you laughing I thought that I heard you Ping! I think I thought I saw a GPF Every nightmare Of velour vest wearing Borg, I'm Purchasing new hardware Trying to cool my CPU Like a Pentium that become a 286 Oh no I need more RAM Resistance is futile. Consider this The OS of the century Consider this The OS that brought me To my knees failed Now all these open apps have Come crashing down Now I need more RAM I thought that I heard you laughing I thought that I heard you Ping! I think I thought I saw a GPF But that was just a dream I hope that was a dream... = = = = = = = From: ianb@netcom.com (Ian Barkley-Yeung) Subject: Microsoft I just got a fax from the Microsoft 'fast tips' automatic support line. The banner said, in big, bold letters: MICROSOFT ONE MICROSOFT WAY I though, is that their address -- or their marketing plan? = = = = = = = From: wayne@auspex.com (Wayne Hathaway) Organization: Auspex Systems Subject: About Windows 95 ad campaign It dawned on me yesterday exactly why Microsoft chose "Start Me Up" instead of all the other possible Stones songs: It's the only one with a title short enough to fit in a filename. = = = = = = = From: ashley@netcom.com (mark ashley) Subject: Idiot's Guide to Windows 95 Ads Multitasking You can crash several programs all at once. No waiting ! Built-in Networking You can crash several PC's all at once. No need to buy Novell Personal Netware or LANtastic to crash. Microsoft Network Connect with other Windows 95 users and talk about your crash experiences. Support groups in different cities will be organized. PnP Plug and Pray (that it works) Multimedia Experience the immense sight and sound of crashing. Compatible with existing software It will also crash your existing software. Increased Productivity You will need to *increase* your budget to buy more *products* like RAM and HardDrives. Better yet, get a new computer ! That's product-ivity. User-Friendly Picture of clouds State of the Art Pay for Bill's next bid for a work of art. MacIntosh-like It took Microsoft eleven years and it's not even original. Online Registration Dial into Microsoft and let them snoop around your harddrive. This will guarantee you a place in Microsoft's files for the rest of your life. MS Plus More money for Bill's plus side. Optimize It will increase the utilization of your hard drive and cpu so much so that you'll end up upgrading your system. See "Increased Productivity". ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ O.J. Simpson, should he take the stand, may be the first person to whom one can fairly put the question, "Have you stopped beating your wife?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ [Note - below find the latest collection of Microsoft jokes. Geez, you guys really have it in for Bill... - ed.] = = = = = = = From: timothyh@pipex.net (timothyh) Subject: Micro$oft pays for The Times In conjunction with the launch of MicroSoft Windows 95, Microsoft are paying for The Times newspaper, so it will be free. Anyway, this came up in our conversation at work and is original to us... It probably means that Thursday's (24th Aug) Edition will be bulkier than usual, use more resources, and mean you'll be slower taking it home. And in two months time, they'll send out a few extra pages, with scissors and sticky tape, as a patch. = = = = = = = From: mha@memory.ithaca.ny.us (Mark H. Anbinder) Subject: The Microsoft Network is Doomed Organization: Memory Alpha * Ithaca New York [Forwarded from a friend in Texas. Origin unknown.] Top Ten Reasons Why the Microsoft Network May Fail: 10. Works with the same intuitive ease as MS-DOS 9. Alienates Mac users by assigning them degrading screen names 8. Designed by same person who coordinates' Bill Gates' wardrobe 7. Stock ticker only lists Microsoft 6. Only allows bulletin board posts critical of the Justice Department 5. Due to first-generation Pentium chip handling billing, average monthly charge is eight billion dollars 4. Every screen has tiny picture of Ernest Borgnine 3. Only online magazine is "Ranger Rick" 2. In desperate attempt to lure "Star Trek" fans, offered free shuttlecraft to each new subscriber 1. Online fees must be paid in giant stone coins of the Yap Islanders = = = = = = = From: mha@memory.ithaca.ny.us (Mark H. Anbinder) Subject: The Bard on Windows 95 Organization: Memory Alpha * Ithaca New York [Seen on QM-L, posted by Jeff Makos] "Now is the Windows of our disk content." -- Richard v3.0 = = = = = = = From: ted@cs.utexas.edu (Ted Woodward) Subject: windows 95? In Monday, 8/21/95's Austin American-Statesman, there was an article on the front page of the business section about businesses adopting Windows 95. The headline read: BUSINESS SLOW ON WINDOWS Of course, you realize that everything is slow on windows... = = = = = = = From: zickus@eecis.udel.edu (Tim) Subject: Win95 "All I can say is this computer program had better bake a cake or something! It's gotten a lot of press!" - Valerie Voss, CNN Senior Metrologist = = = = = = = From: mrandall@mv.mv.com (Mark Randall) Subject: Eight dot three I saw a great ad in today's Wall Street Journal. It was a full, 2-page, side-by-side ad. It had only one large, centered line: C:\ONGRTLNS.W95 and a little Apple logo at the bottom. Devastating. :) = = = = = = = From: sally@jomis.tymnet.com (Sally Smith) Subject: NOW the hype's gone too far!!! This morning (Aug. 24) I was surfing the Web and, as usual, clicked on Yahoo's What's New. There was nothing on the page except a Windows95 ad. Sally = = = = = = = From: SKing@direct.ca (S.M. King) Organization: King InfoMedia Subject: Re: Windows 95 Commercials Submitted on behalf of the creator, Trevor Inkpen, Quill Services Ltd. Victoria B.C. Canada, quill@amtsgi.bc.ca Microsoft's pick for Rolling Stones song to launch Windows 95: "Start Me Up" (Isn't it ironic that one of the lines is "..make a grown man cry..."?) Bill Gate's message to the world: "Under My Thumb" Bill's album pick: "Made in the Shade" Song picks for the rest of us: For those with only 8 Mb RAM: "(I can't get no) Satisfaction" For those with 486's: "Time Is On My Side" For those with existing non-Plug'n'Play hardware: "19th Nervous Breakdown" For Win95 support staff: "Sympathy for the Devil" After 2 months on the support line: "Emotional Rescue" For those who would rather use NeXTStep: "Paint it Black" For everybody who buys Win95: "You Can't Always Get What You Want" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Top Ten Anagrams for "Netscape Communications" ---------------------------------------------- 10. Companies can't consume it 9. I cannot compute sans mice 8. Can't access 'net... I'm on opium 7. Um, options scam can entice 6. Net's uncommon capacities 5. Connect communities, ASAP 4. Mosaic IPO, etc., can stun men 3. Optimum 'net access: An icon 2. Connect it up; amass income And the number one anagram for "Netscape Communications": 1. Mosaic, minus neat concept ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ You know, these terrorists from other countries scare me. Especially the suicide missions, where they drive a van full of dynamite into an embassy or something and blow the place up. I wonder where they recruit the guys who do that. Maybe they have a suicide help-line. "Yeah, man, I want to kill myself." "Yeah, sure, ok. Can you drive a stick?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A Contribution to the Mathematical Theory of Big Game Hunting Problem: To Catch a Lion in the Sahara Desert. 1. Mathematical Methods 1.1 The Hilbert (axiomatic) method We place a locked cage onto a given point in the desert. After that we introduce the following logical system: Axiom 1: The set of lions in the Sahara is not empty. Axiom 2: If there exists a lion in the Sahara, then there exists a lion in the cage. Procedure: If P is a theorem, and if the following is holds: "P implies Q", then Q is a theorem. Theorem 1: There exists a lion in the cage. 1.2 The geometrical inversion method We place a spherical cage in the desert, enter it and lock it from inside. We then performe an inversion with respect to the cage. Then the lion is inside the cage, and we are outside. 1.3 The projective geometry method Without loss of generality, we can view the desert as a plane surface. We project the surface onto a line and afterwards the line onto an interiour point of the cage. Thereby the lion is mapped onto that same point. 1.4 The Bolzano-Weierstrass method Divide the desert by a line running from north to south. The lion is then either in the eastern or in the western part. Let's assume it is in the eastern part. Divide this part by a line running from east to west. The lion is either in the northern or in the southern part. Let's assume it is in the northern part. We can continue this process arbitrarily and thereby constructing with each step an increasingly narrow fence around the selected area. The diameter of the chosen partitions converges to zero so that the lion is caged into a fence of arbitrarily small diameter. 1.5 The set theoretical method We observe that the desert is a separable space. It therefore contains an enumerable dense set of points which constitutes a sequence with the lion as its limit. We silently approach the lion in this sequence, carrying the proper equipment with us. 1.6 The Peano method In the usual way construct a curve containing every point in the desert. It has been proven [1] that such a curve can be traversed in arbitrarily short time. Now we traverse the curve, carrying a spear, in a time less than what it takes the lion to move a distance equal to its own length. 1.7 A topological method We observe that the lion possesses the topological gender of a torus. We embed the desert in a four dimensional space. Then it is possible to apply a deformation [2] of such a kind that the lion when returning to the three dimensional space is all tied up in itself. It is then completely helpless. 1.8 The Cauchy method We examine a lion-valued function f(z). Be \zeta the cage. Consider the integral 1 [ f(z) ------- I --------- dz 2 \pi i ] z - \zeta C where C represents the boundary of the desert. Its value is f(zeta), i.e. there is a lion in the cage [3]. 1.9 The Wiener-Tauber method We obtain a tame lion, L_0, from the class L(-\infinity,\infinity), whose fourier transform vanishes nowhere. We put this lion somewhere in the desert. L_0 then converges toward our cage. According to the general Wiener-Tauner theorem [4] every other lion L will converge toward the same cage. (Alternatively we can approximate L arbitrarily close by translating L_0 through the desert [5].) 2 Theoretical Physics Methods 2.1 The Dirac method We assert that wild lions can ipso facto not be observed in the Sahara desert. Therefore, if there are any lions at all in the desert, they are tame. We leave catching a tame lion as an execise to the reader. 2.2 The Schroedinger method At every instant there is a non-zero probability of the lion being in the cage. Sit and wait. 2.3 The nuclear physics method Insert a tame lion into the cage and apply a Majorana exchange operator [6] on it and a wild lion. As a variant let us assume that we would like to catch (for argument's sake) a male lion. We insert a tame female lion into the cage and apply the Heisenberg exchange operator [7], exchanging spins. 2.4 A relativistic method All over the desert we distribute lion bait containing large amounts of the companion star of Sirius. After enough of the bait has been eaten we send a beam of light through the desert. This will curl around the lion so it gets all confused and can be approached without danger. 3 Experimental Physics Methods 3.1 The thermodynamics method We construct a semi-permeable membrane which lets everything but lions pass through. This we drag across the desert. 3.2 The atomic fission method We irradiate the desert with slow neutrons. The lion becomes radioactive and starts to disintegrate. Once the disintegration process is progressed far enough the lion will be unable to resist. 3.3 The magneto-optical method We plant a large, lense shaped field with cat mint (nepeta cataria) such that its axis is parallel to the direction of the horizontal component of the earth's magnetic field. We put the cage in one of the field's foci. Throughout the desert we distribute large amounts of magnetized spinach (spinacia oleracea) which has, as everybody knows, a high iron content. The spinach is eaten by vegetarian desert inhabitants which in turn are eaten by the lions. Afterwards the lions are oriented parallel to the earth's magnetic field and the resulting lion beam is focussed on the cage by the cat mint lense. [1] After Hilbert, cf. E. W. Hobson, "The Theory of Functions of a Real Variable and the Theory of Fourier's Series" (1927), vol. 1, pp 456-457 [2] H. Seifert and W. Threlfall, "Lehrbuch der Topologie" (1934), pp 2-3 [3] According to the Picard theorem (W. F. Osgood, Lehrbuch der Funktionentheorie, vol 1 (1928), p 178) it is possible to catch every lion except for at most one. [4] N. Wiener, "The Fourier Integral and Certain of itsl Applications" (1933), pp 73-74 [5] N. Wiener, ibid, p 89 [6] cf e.g. H. A. Bethe and R. F. Bacher, "Reviews of Modern Physics", 8 (1936), pp 82-229, esp. pp 106-107 [7] ibid - -- 4 Contributions from Computer Science. 4.1 The search method We assume that the lion is most likely to be found in the direction to the north of the point where we are standing. Therefore the REAL problem we have is that of speed, since we are only using a PC to solve the problem. 4.2 The parallel search method. By using parallelism we will be able to search in the direction to the north much faster than earlier. 4.3 The Monte-Carlo method. We pick a random number indexing the space we search. By excluding neighboring points in the search, we can drastically reduce the number of points we need to consider. The lion will according to probability appear sooner or later. 4.4 The practical approach. We see a rabbit very close to us. Since it is already dead, it is particularly easy to catch. We therefore catch it and call it a lion. 4.5 The common language approach. If only everyone used ADA/Common Lisp/Prolog, this problem would be trivial to solve. 4.6 The standard approach. We know what a Lion is from ISO 4711/X.123. Since CCITT have specified a Lion to be a particular option of a cat we will have to wait for a harmonized standard to appear. $20,000,000 have been funded for initial investigastions into this standard development. 4.7 Linear search. Stand in the top left hand corner of the Sahara Desert. Take one step east. Repeat until you have found the lion, or you reach the right hand edge. If you reach the right hand edge, take one step southwards, and proceed towards the left hand edge. When you finally reach the lion, put it the cage. If the lion should happen to eat you before you manage to get it in the cage, press the reset button, and try again. 4.8 The Dijkstra approach: The way the problem reached me was: catch a wild lion in the Sahara Desert. Another way of stating the problem is: Axiom 1: Sahara elem deserts Axiom 2: Lion elem Sahara Axiom 3: NOT(Lion elem cage) We observe the following invariant: P1: C(L) v not(C(L)) where C(L) means: the value of "L" is in the cage. Establishing C initially is trivially accomplished with the statement ;cage := {} Note 0: This is easily implemented by opening the door to the cage and shaking out any lions that happen to be there initially. (End of note 0.) The obvious program structure is then: ;cage:={} ;do NOT (C(L)) -> ;"approach lion under invariance of P1" ;if P(L) -> ;"insert lion in cage" [] not P(L) -> ;skip ;fi ;od where P(L) means: the value of L is within arm's reach. Note 1: Axiom 2 ensures that the loop terminates. (End of note 1.) Exercise 0: Refine the step "Approach lion under invariance of P1". (End of exercise 0.) Note 2: The program is robust in the sense that it will lead to abortion if the value of L is "lioness". (End of note 2.) Remark 0: This may be a new sense of the word "robust" for you. (End of remark 0.) Note 3: From observation we can see that the above program leads to the desired goal. It goes without saying that we therefore do not have to run it. (End of note 3.) (End of approach.) ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ------------------------------------------------------------------ TOP 10 SIMILARITIES BETWEEN SYSTEM ADMINISTRATORS & SANTA CLAUS ------------------------------------------------------------------ 1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny. 2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal. 3. Santa seldom answers your mail. 4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves make it for me." 5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines. 6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves. 7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions. 8. Santa laughs entirely too much. 9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME. 10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ What's the difference between Hugh Grant and a common criminal? When a criminal gets caught, he pays for it. When Hugh pays for it, he gets caught. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ If operating systems were cars... DOS: It runs quickly, a little dull from being around for so long, but since it has always been upgraded every couple years, it still works well. Spare parts are easy to find, it's owned by half the world, and if you're smart, you can make it work in some color...High milage, fuel efficent. Windows: Most bicycles can overtake this snail. It's got the latest in color techniques, and everything you need to do can be done by a touch of a button next to you. Excellent cushioning, tinted windows (hey, a pun!) but it's colors are fading fast. High milage, and has a leaking fuel tank. New model has just arrived... Mac: Anyone who has read my previous posts can figure out what this is about. Straight to the point: Slow, small, 3 cylinder engine, any extra add-ons for this can be found in the nearest junk heap to you. A fresh paint-job, but already the paint is peeling off and you can see the grey of the previous paint job. Latest model is barely at driving standards, and all former models should be condemmed by the Automobile Association. Gas tank, can barely hold two litres... OS/2: Super features, a fairly new release. Automatic driving, this car spares no expense, especially to your wallet. Rainbow of colors, at least a V8 but has high fuel efficency. Similar to the Mac, and you should get this model if you want a Mac but have more money but only one finger to push everything. UNIX: The deluxe model of DOS. However, driving instructions are in another language, the steering wheel is on the right side of the car, a V12 at least and sucks as much gas as you can put in. Stay away unless you plan to open a car-selling buisness. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ There was a trucker. His truck broke down, and it was getting late, so he walked to the closest house. An old woman answered the door. "Hi mam", he said "my truck broke down. Could I spend the night here?" "Ok", he said. "You can go get a cot out of my bedroom". The guy was in there for a good half hour. the lady got worried. She went in and found the man in her clothes. "Take off my clothes, NOW!" she said. The man did as she said. It got later, near dinner time. "Let me get the chicken out of the stove" she said. When she bent over, the man kicked her in her ass. She said "One more time and I'll call the cops". It was getting near bedtime now. It was a cold night. "Can you please go turn up the heat in the basement" she asked. The man went downstairs, and again was gone for quite sometime. All of a sudden her cat flew out of the basement, and it was HAIRLESS! "You shaved my cat!" she exclaimed. "I'm calling the cops. Hello, officer? There is a man in my house. He took off my clothes, kicked my ass, and shaved my pussy"... ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ WITH SEX ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE This paper has been sent to you for good luck. The original has been worn out from having passed through the hands of so many people. It had travelled around the world 70 times [Dear Reader: please help keep this count current. If this letter falls into your hands after just completing one more circuit of the world, please add one to the count.] The luck has now been sent to you. You will experience great sex within four days of receiving this letter, provided you send it on. Since the copy must tour the world, you must make ten copies and send them to others. This is no joke. Send no money. Send copies to people who need to get laid within 96 hours. After he passed this letter on, a Montana Spinach Control Officer got his penis stuck in a cow-milking machine and had the longest series of orgasms of his life. John Elliot tried to pick up a prostitute, but, because he broke the chain, was picked up by the police instead. When they searched his home, they found magazines of little boys which they showed to his neighbors. In a suburb of Paris, Don Loray's trousers were ripped by an unsatisfied erection, 51 days after failing to circulate the letter. However, before this happened, a condom machine gave him three condoms for the price of one. (was this the consolation prize?) Do note the following: Hebert Pudstrom received the chain in 1953. He asked his secretary to make ten copies and send them out. A few days later he encountered her in a red-light district making more than he had every paid her at work. General George Patton, who sent the letter on, saw what he thought was a quarter in the street. When he bent down to pick it up, a beautiful woman in a miniskirt walked by, and he got a great view. Heywood Daddit, an unemployed chicken choker, received the letter and forgot that it had to leave his hands within 96 hours. His wife then went bowling with his best friend and never returned. Later, after finding the letter again, he mailed ten copies. A few days later he got a wife and discovered that his old wife, who he thought was wonderful, had made love to him like a dead salmon for all these years! Alan Fairchild received the letter and, not believing, threw the letter away. Nine days later he spilled hot coffee in his crotch. In 1987 the letter received by a young woman in Texas was faded and barely readable, so she did not realize that this paragraph applied to her. She promised herself she would retype the letter and send it on, but she put it aside to do later. She was plagued with problems including herpes and other venereal diseases she contracted in her futile attempts to find Mr. Right in a singles bar. The letter did not leave her hands in 96 hours. She finally typed the letter and found a man with a 10-inch penis. Beware, however of the fate of the E-mail user at Trent University, Peterborough ON, that sent this letter to himself over five thousand times in one afternoon. Before leaving the computer lab a strange woman came up behind him, bit his ear and put her hand down his pants. The ensuing surprise caused him to stumble forward and cry out. As he attempted to arrest his fall by grabbing a nearby PC, a gob of spittle that had been flung from his mouth (as he cried out) landed deep into the inner recesses of the computer, all three (student, strange woman and computer) then experienced simultaneous Cyber-Orgasms of exponential intensity before exploding in a puff of smoking data. You must distribute at least ten copies within 96 hours of receiving this letter. Those who do will find their love lives more fulfilling. Those who do not will be doomed to one-night stands with mechanical devices. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ I understand that you are a new blonde and have probably heard your share of blonde jokes. With this in mind I'd share the following story. A blonde friend of mine was getting real tired of hearing blonde jokes. She decided to do something about it. In order to prove that not all blondes were stupid she spend a couple of days studying a United States map and memorized the capitols for all of the states. The next time she was with a group of people and someone started to tell a blonde joke. "Hey", she said, "not all blondes are stupid and I can prove it. Give the name of any state and I'll tell you it's capital." "Vermont", someone called out. "V", she replied with a smile. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ