ŚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ· ³ ŗ ³ H - M A I L 1 1 . T X T ŗ ³ ŗ ŌĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶ¼ Right, this is Volume 11 in the H-MAIL humour library series, all of which consist of little more than the jokes and other delightful stories that the various users of FidoNet, RsaNet and the Internet have cared to post. The jokes are not edited or corrected in any way, short of a few VERY obvious mistakes they remain exactly in the form they were posted, all credits are thus due to those specific individuals. Volume 11 also marks the first time I compile this vanilla ASCII file to a total of about 200,000 bytes Title: H-MAIL11.TXT File size: 199,991 bytes Date: 15-09-95 [Standard advert] All H-MAIL?? files are available at ŚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄæ ³ ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ³ ³ ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ³ ³ ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ³ ³ ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ³ ³ ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ³ ³ ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ³ ³ ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ³ ³ The HMVH Corporation ³ ĄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄŁ Bulletin Board System [+27 11] (011) 941-1341 USR V.34/V.fc (24 Hours) ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ bill walked in to talk to hillary. bill - Hillary, We've got to go to China. Hill - I really don't want to go bill - well tell you what...you give me a blow job right now and I'll make up something about it and you won't have to go. Hill - ok.... Hill - (seconds later she jerks her head back) this tastes like Shit! bill - Al didn't want to go either. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Three men are at the last stage of the hiring process for the CIA. The first one walks in and is handed a gun. The tester tells the man that in the next room his wife is bound, gagged and tied in a chair. The tester tells him to take the gun, go in and pump 2 rounds into his wife's head. The man looks at the tester, then the gun and tells him he can't do it. The tester tells the man that they have to have people that will obey orders without question and tells him he is not hired. The second man walks in and is handed the gun. The tester tells the man that in the next room his wife is bound, gagged and tied in a chair. The tester tells him to take the gun, go in and pump 2 round into his wife's head. The man looks at the tester, then the gun and walks into the room. 20 minutes later he comes and tells the tester that he couldn't do it. The tester tells the man they have to have people that will obey orders without question and that he isn't hired. The 3rd man walks into the room and is handed the gun. The tester tells him that in the next room is his wife, bound, gagged and tied in a chair. He tells the man to go in and pump 2 rounds into her head. The man enters the room and closes the door. About 10 seconds later the tester hears 4 shots. Then all of a sudden he hears banging and thumping. He hears a windows being broken and furniture being thrown around. This goes on for about 20 minutes. Finally the man walks out of the room. His clothes are torn. He's bleeding from numerous cuts, patches of hair are torn out of his head. The tester looks at him and asks him what happened. The man looks at the tester and asks, "Who in the hell put blanks in that gun? It took me 15 minutes to strangle her!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Here is a good one..the untold story of Moses... Moses was leading the Jewish people out of Egypt to the Promised Land. The Egyptian Army was in hot pursuit. TRhe came to the edge of the dead sea, and Moses did not know what to do. So he called upon his top three advisors: his engineer, his lawyer, and his public relations man. "What am I goindg to do?", he asked his engineer. The engineer scratched his head and siad "Go to the edge of the water, spread out your arma, and the sea will part. You will lead the Jewish people to the other side. When everyone has safely crossed, you will close your arms, and the sea will close in on the pursuing Egyptian army." Now Moses loved this idea, but had to run it by his lawyer. "What do you think of this idea?", he inquired. The lawyer thought for a minute, scratched his head and replied "No can do, Moses. For if you do this, all people upstream will experience floods, and all people downstream wll experience drought causing you to be sued by both sides up the wazoo". Moses was disgruntled by this news, so he conferred with his PR man. "What do you think of this idea?", he asked. The PR man scratched his head, and replied "Tell you what, Moses. You pull this off, and I will get you ten pages in the Bible." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ One rainy summer's night a man was driving along a lonely stretch of highway, and getting very tired from the rhythm of the rain splashing on the windshield. He would catch himself falling asleep every now and then, but was determined to keep driving until he got home. After one such episode where he almost ran off the road, he decided to call it quits and find a place to spend the night. Well, he continued driving along looking for a place to stay, but there were no motels around, and not even any homes. Just when he was afraid that he wouldn't find any place to stay for the night up in the distance during a flash of lightning he could make out the outline of an old mansion. Very well, it was late... it would have to do. Pulling up to the entrance, the man looked at this huge, antigue mansion, half rundown and very very spooky. He got out and ran over to the front door, and banged the rusty iron knocker against the door... BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Nobody answered. Just as he was about to turn around and get back in his car, the door creaked open, and a small figure stood in the doorway, illuminated by the light of a candle held in one hand. "Excuse me," said the man, rain pouring down on top of him, "but would you have a room for me to spend the night? It's very late tonight and I'm so tired I can't drive any further." The old man standing in the doorway raised an eyebrow and looked at the man. "Hmmph!" he said, "yes I do have a room you could use. But it's not cheap! It will cost you fifty dollars to stay as my guest." Well, 50 bucks was kind of expensive, but the man was extremely tired and decided that a real bed would be much more restful than the small cramped quarters of his car. "OK, old man," he replied, running up the steps to the open door. "You've got yourself a deal!" He followed the old man into the house, and down a dark hallway to a lit room where the old man had been reading before he had arrived. He paid him the fifty dollars, and decided to sit for a few minutes to talk with the old man. Looking around the room, he noticed a large bottle of scotch sitting on the lamp stand next to the old man's chair. "Would you mind if I have a sip of that scotch?" asked the man. "That rain was cold and I'm afraid I've gotten a bit chilled." "No problem," replied the old man, pouring him a rather large snifter of the spirits, and handed it to him. He then poured himself one and tossed it down in one gulp. Well the two of them began talking for a spell and it wasn't long before the old man was well snookered up. "I'll tell you a little secret nobody knows about but me," he said, head swaying from side to side. "Oh yeah?" replied the man. "What kind of secret?" At this, the old man's face grew stern and quiet. "I own the only known pink gorilla in the whole world, and he's right here in my basement!" The man laughed aloud at this statement. Surely the old man was more drunk than he was... who had ever heard of anything as ridiculous as a pink gorilla?? "It's true!" insisted the old man. "I'll show him to you myself!" Well if nothing else it would be a good laugh, thought the man. "OK," he said, "let's go see your pink gorilla!" The old man extracted a large brass skeleton key from a string tied around his neck, and got out of the chair to lead the way. In the middle of the entryway where they had come in, the old man pulled back the tattered dusty rug to reveal a large trapdoor bolted shut! At this the man's interest was definitely peaked, even without the scotch. The old man bent down and unbolted the trapdoor, and opened it up. A long, low creak sent chills up the man's spine, because looking down into the hole he could see the form of a ladder extending into the blackness!! The old man began climbing down the ladder, and the man followed, carrying a single candle to light their way. At the bottom of the ladder was a long corridor, dark and cold and musty smelling. The old man took the candle from him and led the way down the corridor. By this time the man was really beginning to get scared, but somehow pressed on. At the very end of the corridor was a huge heavy oak door, and the old man took the key from around his neck and unlocked the lock, the clank of the metal echoing eerily down the hallway from where they had just come. "I must warn you now," said the old man, "that whatever you do, you must never touch the gorilla while you're inside this room!" And with a strong push from the old man, the door swung slowly open on its rusty hinges... and reaching into the air for a string dangling there, he pulled down and CLICK!... on came a single light. The man just about fell over dead when he saw, sitting in the middle of a very large empty room, a massive steel cage holding... you guessed it... a real, live PINK GORILLA! Yes, a pink gorilla, its massive arms and legs chained to each corner of the cage, with a thick steel collar around its neck linked by chain to the concrete floor. The old man just smiled and walked over to the cage. He circled it once... then twice... then three times. The pink gorilla just stared at him as he did so, his huge pink form sitting hunched over, arms as big as the man's waist. "There," said the old man, "you've seen enough. We must go now!" "Why can't you touch him?" asked the man, as he helped the old man to turn out the light and lock the door behind them. "Never mind why not!" came the reply. "Never touch him! Now... you must go to bed!" Well, sleep was about the farthest thing on the man's mind as he laid in his bed, thinking about the pink gorilla he had seen just a few minutes before. A pink gorilla!! It was absolutely incredible! He had seen gorillas before, but this was like nothing he had ever seen before in his life... fur as bright pink as you can imagine, and no one even knew that he existed!! "I've got to go see him again!" thought the man. There was just one nagging question: why couldn't he touch him? Why, why, why? For hours he laid awake, thinking of nothing but that pink gorilla. Suddenly he became aware of the old man's snoring in the room across the hallway from his. Ahh, here was his chance! He would get the key from the old man and go find out why he couldn't touch the gorilla for himself!! So, stealing quietly into the old man's chambers, he looked for the key to the locked room where the pink gorilla was held. What luck! The key was lying by the edge of the old man's bed, as he continued to snore loudly from the scotch they had shared earlier. The man picked up the key and crept out of the old man's room, down to the entryway, with a lit candle in tow to light his way. Throwing back the rug, he opened the bolt on the door as quietly as he could, and lifted the trapdoor up. Looking down into the blackness of the corridor below, a shiver went up his back, but he pressed on. He just had to see that pink gorilla again and find out why he couldn't touch him. Climbing down the ladder, he began to walk down the long dark hallway, shadows from the candle casting eerie forms against the rock walls. He got to the huge oak door, and inserting the key into the lock, opened the lock and pushed on the door to open it. As the door creaked slowly open, the man could hear the pink gorilla move inside its cage, chains rattling slightly. He reached up to find the string that would turn the light on, and with a slight tug, the dim light clicked on. At last, he could see the pink gorilla's bulging form hunched over inside the cage, its eyes following the man's every move. The man's hands were damp with sweat, and he tried to wipe them dry against his pants. He circled the gorilla in the same way as had the old man... once... twice... three times. The gorilla just looked at him as he did so. Then, with shaking hand, the man stuck his finger inside the cage. The pink gorilla simple looked at the man with slight interest. So the man moved his arm further inside the cage... closer to the gorilla, but still it showed no signs of recognition. Finally the man reached his entire arm into the cage, right up to his shoulder, and moved his hand closer to the gorilla's arm. Closer... closer... closer... and then he ever so lightly *touched* the pink furry flesh. Immediately the gorilla tossed its head back and screamed the loudest, most horrific blood-curddling roar the man had ever heard. The man yanked his arm away from the enraged beast as fast as he could. The pink gorilla stood up and snapped the chains around his arms and legs as though they were toothpicks, then pulled apart the collar from around his neck with a furious growling roar. The man staggered backwards in fear, horrified of what was happening. The gorilla began to pull the bars to the steel cage apart, and it suddenly dawned on the man that the beast was after him!! Panicking, he yanked off the light and slammed the oak door behind him, running down the corridor towards the dim light of the trapdoor entrance. With a scream that shook the man with fright to his very soul, the pink gorilla slammed its mighty bulk against the heavy oak door. The man ran as fast as he could... faster faster faster!! Just as he reached the bottom of the ladder, the oak door to the room gave way as the pink gorilla smashed through it, shattering it into dozens of pieces. The pink gorilla raced right at him, teeth bared and snarling madly. Feverishly, the man climbed the ladder as fast as he could, stopping just long enough at the top to bolt the trapdoor shut and turn to run out the door into the rain. Even with blood pounding in his ears he could hear the gorilla as it smashed the trapdoor, screaming that deafening roar that turned his blood to an icy chill. A second later and the front doors of the mansion disappeared, the gorilla charging through them as though they weren't there at all. On and on the man ran, as fast as he could to get as far away as possible from the nightmare following him. The pink gorilla kept running after him, running running running!! The man slowly began to tire, his breath coming in huge gulps for air, and still the gorilla ran after him. Finally, the man decided he could go no further, and fell to the ground, awaiting the huge pink form that would soon end his life. The pink gorilla charged up to the man, snarling with razor-sharp teeth flashing in the light from a bolt of lightning. It raised its huge fist high into the air above the man's head, who was cowering in fear at its feet. Then in one final move, it swung its huge fist towards the man's chest... then stopped just before it would have smashed his ribs. Extending its finger, the gorilla touched the man lightly upon the arm. "Tag..." the gorilla said. "You're it!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ As of Friday, June 24, 1994, the FORD BRONCO has been officially selected as the vehicle of choice for all felons in the U.S. The conclusive California road test, as seen on national TV, proved without a doubt that the BRONCO can successfully hold off 18 or more police cars, 8 helicopters, and the entire population of the U.S. for more than 90 minutes, while never exceeding 43 MPH. Ask you FORD dealer for the new "O.J. Package". It comes with a .38 caliber pistol, 25 rounds of ammunition. blood resistant upholstery, a cellular phone for speed dialing 911, and a former football player blow-up doll. If you act now, FORD will throw in the "O.J. MAGICAL DISAPPEARING GINZU KNIFE" at no extra charge. See your FORD dealer today! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ These two farmers had two horses that they couldn't tell apart no matter how hard they tried. So one day one of the farmers gets the idea to cut one of the horses tails shorter. So for a couple of days the farmers can tell the horses apart, but one night , when the two farmers have a real big bonfire going, the long tailed horse runs right through fire and burns his tail off. So now they can't tell them apart again, But after another couple of days one farmer gets an idea to brand one of the horses with a big line. So for a couple of days the farmers can tell the horses apart and everything is just jim dandy, until, one day the unmarked horse is running in the field when he brushes up against the barbed wire fence, leaving a big mark, identical to the brand on the other horse. So now these two farmers are really mad, and they think and think and think until one farmer gets the idea that one horse might be taller than the other so they measure them, and sure enough the black one was 2 inches taller than the white one! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A nurse was showing some visitors through the hospital. Pointing to a special section of a ward...a group of young men...she said, "This is the most hazardous place for a nurse. These men are almost well!" > > How many latent homosexuals does it take to screw in a lightbulb? > > > > Only one of course, any more and they wouldn't get anything done. > > They would spend all their time accusing each other of being a fag. A traveling salesman was traveling down a country road when his car broke down. He walked to the first house to seek help and heard music and a TV going. He knocked on the door and no one answered. He peeked inside the window and see a woman standing there lifting her breast and a man sitting there jerking off with an umbrella over his head. He thought, this is too weird, I'll go to the next house. He goes to the next house, knocks on the door and a lady answers saying Can I help you? He sighes and says, Thank God someone normal. He proceed to explain what he seen and the previous house and the lady said, Oh that's the Jone's, they're deaf and dumb. She's telling him to go milk the cows and he's telling her, Fuck you, it's raining outside. Q: What did Pablo Picasso and Queen Elizabeth have in common? A: Blue Periods ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A nightclub owner is in need of a piano player for his club. He places an advertisement in the local papers, but is pretty disappointed in the applicants. As he is looking over the resumes one afternoon, in walks a seedy-looking, foul-smelling bum who mumbles "I came to see about the job for the f*cking piano player". The club owner feels he has nothing to lose and gives him a tryout. The bum sits down at the piano and plays the most exquisite melody the owner has ever heard. It brings tears to his eyes. The kitchen employees come out to listen and are enraptured. Even a dog rooting through the trash cans in the alley walks in and listens spellbound! He asks the bum "What was the name of that song, and who wrote it?" " 'I Love You So F*cking Much It Makes Me Sh*t' is the song, and I wrote it. I've got a bunch of them" replies the bum. The owner cringed at the song's title, but thought to himself "Hell, I can clean this guy up, and we don't HAVE to announce the song titles", and hires him on the spot. He sends one of the employees out with the bum to get him a tux, a haircut, and a bath and tells him to start that night. That evening, the bum, newly shaven and attired, stumbles out on stage and plays song after beautiful song. The audience is enthralled by the melodies. He is a wild success. When a break comes, the bum shuffles off to the bathroom. When he comes out, he has forgotten to put his Johnson back in his pants and it is hanging out, in all its glory. The headwaiter stops him and says "Do you know your dick is hanging out and it sure is ugly?" "Know it? Hell, I wrote that f*cking song!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive? Popeye almost killed him. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling by Mark Twain * In Year 1, that useless letter C would be dropped to be replaced either by K or S, and likewise X would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which C would be retained would be the CH formation, which will be dealt with later. * Year 2 might reform W spelling, so that WHICH and ONE would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish Y replasing it with I and Iear 4 might fiks the G/J anomali wonse and for all. Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6 to 12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. * Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez C, Y and X -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez -- tu riplais CH, SH and TH rispektivli. * Fainali, xen aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohimt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy- spiking werld. * OLX 2.1 TD * What's that disease where you can't remember anything? ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Willie saw some dynamite Couldn't understand it--quite. Curiosity never pays... It rained Willie seven days. At a recent computer expo, a new program was released that could answer any question. A University of Florida graduate saw it and figured he could stump it. So he asked it: UF GRAD: Where is my father at right now? COMPUTER: Spell...your...father's...name... UF GRAD: R-o-b-e-r-t D-o-e COMPUTER:(thinking)...Your...father...is...on...the..beach...with...a... blonde...named...Tracy...Brown...in...Daytona... UF GRAD: (bursts out laughing!) Ha! You are wrong! I just spoke with my father on a transatlantic phone. He is on vacation in Paris with the rest of my family! In fact, they are at 27 Rue Ramier in Paris...what do you say to that? COMPUTER: I say...Robert...Doe...is with...your mother...and sister... in their apartment...27 Rue...Ramier...Paris...Third...floor... UF GRAD: (smiling) Good! COMPUTER: But your FATHER...is on... the beach...at Daytona...with...a blonde...named...Tracy...Brown! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ An airline pilot was receiving his physical when the following questions were asked: DOC: How much alcohol do you consume a week, captain? PILOT: Oh, about 5 or 6 beers a week. No whiskey. DOC: And drugs, any drugs of any sort? PILOT: None, doctor, none at all. DOC: Cigarrettes per day? PILOT: I do not smoke cigarettes. DOC: Cigars? PILOT: Perhaps one a month. DOC: And how do you sleep? PILOT: Great! Go off a moment or two after my head hits the pillow. DOC: Do you ever get severe headaches? PILOT: No sir. The doctor nodded and looked over his checklist and finally said, "Now about you sexual adjustment, captain. When was the last time you slept with a woman?" The captain thought for a moment, then replied, "Oh, about 1958." "1958!" The doctor gasped. "Good lord, captain! That long ago?" The pilot seemed puzzled. "But doctor--he glanced at his watch--it's only 22:10 now!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The S & M Man (Sung to the tune of The Candy Man) Who can take a glass rod, Stick it down your prick, Lay it on a table, Then smash it with a brick. The S & M Man! The S & M Man! Who can take two ice picks, Stick them in her ears, Ride her like a Harley, As he fucks her in the rear. The S & M Man! The S & M Man! Who can take a chain saw, Stuff it up her ass, Quickly start the motor up, And cut the bitch in half. The S & M Man! The S & M Man! Who can take a baby, Lay it in a bed, Find it's soft spot, And fuck it in the head. The S & M Man! The S & M Man! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ As a couple arrived by taxi at the airport and carried their luggage toward the check-in-counter, the wife said, "I think we packed everything for our trip, but I wish we'd brought the kitchen table." "What?" said her husband. "Why in the world do we need the kitchen table?" "Because I left our tickets on it." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The Dr. Seuss Purity Test Have you done it on a boat? Have you done it with a goat? Have you done it in a bed? Have you done it with the dead? Have you done it in the ass? Have you done it, high on grass? Have you done it in the car? Have you simply gone too far? Have you done it on the beach? Have you done it with the teach? Have you done it on your back? Have you done it strapped to a rack? Have you done it in a box? Have you done it with a fox? Have you done it in a tree? Have you done it with more than three? Have you done it in the rain? Have you done it for the pain? Have you done it 'tween the tits? Have you done it wearing mitts? Have you done it packed in rubber? Have you done it undercover? Have you done it on a perch? Have you done it in a church? Have you done it with a virgin? Have you done it with a sturgeon? Have you done it with ropes and chains? Have you done it while insane? Have you done it on the stage? Have you done it underage? Have you done it with all your friends? Have you done it in both ends? Have you done it with your dog? Have you done it on a log? Have you done it under clamps? Have you done it with the lamps? Have you done it without style? Have you done it for all to see? Have you ever had VD? Have you done it on Mother's couch? Have you done it in your mouth? Have you done it while on tape? Have you done it out of shape? Have you done it on live TV? Have you done it whilst you pee? Have you done it in the gym? Have you done it on a whim? Have you done it on a dare? Do you really think we care? Answer these and count your "no"s, pray this number never grows; Fifty questions we asked thee, score times two is your Purity. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Once there was a guy stranded on an island. The only other things there were a sheep and a dog. Well, after about a month this guy started feeling a little horny and he started eyeing the sheep. One day he couldn't take it any more and started going after the sheep. The dog just went crazy. It started jumping on him and biting him but the guy didn't care too much because the sheep was so pleasing. This went on for about a year--every monthe the guy would do the sheep and the dog would go crazy. A year later the guy saw a ship out on the ocean. He thought he was saved, but instead it was just Hillary Clinton. Now she was stranded there too. After about a month, Hilary started getting horny too. One day she took off all her clothes and stood naked in front of the man and asked "Is there anything i can do for you?" The man replied "Ya. Could you hold that dog?" My dog is REALLY dumb. I went through the trouble and expense of installing a pet door and he *STILL* has the nerve to ring the doorbell!! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Little Red Riding Hood is on the way to grandma's house via the path, when someone comes up to her, and say's "Little Red Riding Hood, you better watch out, the big bad wolf is gonna rip the panties off ya and fuck the hell out of ya." Little Red Riding hood looks at the person and say's "No he won't, I've got something right here to take care of that," and taps her purse. Later on as she keeps going, she meets up with the lumber jack, and he says "Little Red Riding Hood, you better watch out, the big bad wolf is gonna rip the panties off ya, and fuck the hell out of ya." Once again she replies as above and taps her purse. About an hour later, she meets up with the big bad wolf, and her growls out. "Ha Ha I've got you now, Now I'm gonna rip the panties off ya and fuck the hell out of ya." She smiles, whips out the gun from her handbag, points it at his head, and says, "no, you're not, you are going to eat me like grandma said you would. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Why dont Mexicans barbeque? The beans keep falling through the grill. ----------------- How do you tell a head nurse? She's the one with the dirty knees. ----------------- What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an Oriental? A car thief who can't drive. ----------------- How do you get a one-armed Pollock out of a tree? Wave to him. ----------------- What is invisible and smells like carrots? Bugs Bunny farts. ----------------- How can you tell Dolly Parton's kids in a group? They are the ones with stretch marks on their lips. ----------------- Why did the rubber fly across the room? It got pissed off. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ TECH SUPPORT An exasperated caller said she couldn't get her new Dell computer to turn on. Customer: "I've pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." Dell Tech: "Foot pedal?" Customer: "Yes, this little white foot pedal with the on switch." The foot pedal turned out to be the mouse. PC makers are discovering it's still a low tech world out there. After having success selling PCs to households, they now have to deal with people to whom monitors and disk drives are as foreign as another language. Two years ago, most calls came from techies seeking help on complex problems. Now, it's mainly 70 percent of calls coming from rank novices. That's part of the reason some companies are now charging for tech support. Questions often are so basic, they could be answered by opening the manual. Try these on for size: One woman called Dell asking how to install batteries in her new laptop computer. She was told directions were on the first page of the manual. The woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000 for this damn thing, and I'm not going to read a book." These buyers rarely refer to manuals. They would rather use the phone. "It's a phenomenon of people wanting to talk to people," says Craig McQuilken of AST Research. More of the same: Compaq's Help Center in Houston is inundated with 8,000 calls a day with inquiries like: A frustrated customer called and said her PC would not work. She said she had unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked. "What power switch?" So many people have called to ask where the "any" key is on their keyboards when the "Press Any Key" message is displayed, Compaq is considering changing the message to, "Press the Return Key." AST -- One customer complained that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on it. The dust cover turned out to be the plastic bag in which the mouse was packaged. Dell -- One customer held the mouse in the air and pointed it at the screen, all the while clicking madly. Compaq -- One customer was having diskette problems. After trouble shooting for a while (magnets, static, etc.), the tech asked the customer what else was being done with the diskette. Response: "I put a label on the diskette, rolled it into the typewriter..." AST -- Customer complied with tech's request to send in a copy of a defective diskette. A few days later, tech received a letter from the customer along with a Xerox copy of the floppy. Dell -- Tech advised customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. Customer put the phone down and was heard walking over to shut the door to his room. Dell -- Customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes, tech discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key. Dell -- Customer needed help setting up an application program. Tech referred him to the local Egghead. Customer: "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends." When told that Egghead was a software store, the man replied, "Oh! I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks." Dell -- Customer called complaining his keyboard no longer worked. Customer had cleaned his keyboard by submerging it for a day in warm soapy water in his bathtub. Dell -- Tech once calmed a man who was enraged because "his computer had told him he was bad and invalid." Tech patiently explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally. Techs increasingly find themselves taking on the role of amateur psychologists ...sometimes the only voice in the wilderness willing to talk to a lonely heart. A man from New Hampshire calls Dell every time he experiences a life crisis of one sort or another. He gets a tech to walk him through a contrived problem, apparently feeling uplifted by the process. Jim Carlton, TMUG, newsletter of the Microcomputer UG of Pinellas County, FL, October 1994; reprinted from the Southwest Florida PC User's Group Newsletter. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ | Micro | Micro was a real-time operator and dedicated multi-user. His broad-band protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time-sharing. One evening he arrived home just as the Sun was crashing, and had parked his Motorola 68040 in the main drive (he had missed the S100 bus that morning), when he noticed an elegant piece of liveware admiring the daisy wheels in his garden. He thought to himself, "She looks user-friendly. I'll see if she'd like an update tonight." Mini was her name, and she was delightfully engineered with eyes like COBOL and a PR1ME mainframe architecture that set Micro's peripherals networking all over the place. He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin, 32-bit floating point processors and enquired "How are you, Honeywell?". "Yes, I am well", she responded, batting her optical fibers engagingly and smoothing her console over her curvilinear functions. Micro settled for a straight line approximation. "I'm stand-alone tonight", he said, "How about computing a vector to my base address? I'll output a byte to eat, and maybe we could get offset later on." Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds, then transmitted 8 K. "I've been dumped myself recently, and a new page is just what I need to refresh my disks. I'll park my machine cycle in your background and meet you inside." She walked off, leaving Micro admiring her solenoids and thinking, "Wow, what a global variable, I wonder if she'd like my firmware?" They sat down at the process table to top of form feed of fiche and chips and a bucket of baudot. Mini was in conversation mode and expanded on ambiguous arguments while Micro gave the occasional acknowledgements, although, in reality, he was analyzing the shortest and least critical path to her entry point. He finally settled on the old 'Would you like to_see_my_benchmark routine', but Mini was again one step ahead. Suddenly she was up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the full functionality of her operating system software. "Let's get BASIC, you RAM", she said. Micro was loaded by this; his hardware was in danger of overflowing its output buffer, a hang-up that Micro had consulted his analyst about. "Core", was all he could say, as she prepared to log him off. Micro soon recovered, however, when Mini went down on the DEC and opened her divide files to reveal her data set ready. He accessed his fully packed root device and was just about to start pushing into her CPU stack, when she attempted an escape sequence. "No, no!", she cried, "You're not shielded!" "Reset, Baby", he replied, "I've been debugged." "But I haven't got my current loop enabled, and I can't support child processes", she protested. "Don't run away", he said, "I'll generate an interrupt." "No, that's too error prone, and I can't abort because of my design philosophy." Micro was locked in by this stage, though, and could not be turned off. But Mini soon stopped his thrashing by introducing a voltage spike into his main supply, whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to sleep. "Computers!", she thought, as she recompiled herself. "All they ever think about is HEX!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ He has now reached that age where he no longer sows wild oats, but he's a lot more interested in bran. He always said that he was going to travel after he retired, but so far it has been mostly to the doctor and the bathroom. Among his many accomplishments, he has a green thumb. It's from fishing olives out of martinis. He recently renewed his subscription to PLAYBOY, but can't remember why. But when the magazine did arrive, his copy comes with a snooze alarm. The little old lady sighed, "Old age is terrible. My eyes are getting worse and worse. I have difficulty reading, and when I look at television, it's all fuzzy." But then she brightened up and said, "Thank goodness, I can still drive." The patient feels very nervous. The doctor examined him today and said he was as sound as a dollar! A nervous man, accompanied by a nagging wife, was examined by the doctor. Studying the man's chart, the doctor nodded to himself and wrote out a prescription for a powerful sedative. The man asked, "When do I take them?" The doctor said, "They're not for you. They're for your wife!" "Mrs. Klein, your husband will never be able to work again." "I'll tell him. That'll cheer him up!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Mrs. Abercrombie was unhappy with the way Elena the maid cleaned. Finding a layer of dust on the dining room table, she started to chew out the maid. Elena said, "I'm a better cook than you. I clean house better than you." "Who told you that?" "Mr. Abercrombie. I'm better in bed than you too." Mrs. Abercrombie sneered and said, "I suppose my husband told you that too." "No. The gardener!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A woman goes to her gynocologist for an exam. She positions herself on the table, placing her feet in the stirrups. The doctor begins the examination and exclaims "My, you sure have a large vagina....My, you sure have a large vagina." "Well", says the woman, "You don't have to say it twice", to which the Doctor replied, "I didn't"! Watching the television news, we find that our highways aren't safe, our streets aren't safe, our parks aren't safe...but under our arms we've got complete protection. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A young preacher was serving as a volunteer chaplain at a large nursing home. He had never performed a wedding and thought he should ask an older preacher what to do in case he forgot during the wedding ceremony. He was advised, "Just start quoting Scripture until something comes to you." Soon the young preacher was called to perform the wedding ceremony for a widow and widower in the nursing home. Right about the middle of the ceremony, he forgot what to say next. Remembering the advice of the older preacher, he started quoting Scripture. However, the only Scripture he could remember was, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do." Q. What do you get if you throw a banjo player and an accordion player off the top of the empire state building ? A. Applause ! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ THE CONDEMNED When the earth was created, the powers above, Gave each man a job to work at and love. He made doctors and lawyers and plumbers and then, He made carpenters, singers, and confidence men. And when each had a job to work as he should, He looked them all over and saw it was good. He then sat down to rest for a day, When a horrible groan chanced to come his way. The Lord then looked down and his eyes opened wide, For a motley collection of bums stood outside. "And what do you want?" the creator asked them, "Help us," they cried out, "A job for us men". "We have no profession," they cried in dismay, "And even the jails have turned us away". Said the Lord, "I've seen many things without worth, But here I find gathered the scum of the earth!" The Lord was perplexed, and then he was mad, For the jobs were all gone, there was none to be had. Then he spoke aloud in a deep angry tone, "Forever and ever ye mongrels shall roam, Ye shall freeze in the summer and sweat when it's cold, Ye shall work on equipment that's dirty and old, Ye shall crawl under raised floors, and there cables lay, Ye shall be called out at midnight and work through the day, Ye shall work on all holidays, and not make your worth, Ye shall be blamed for all downtime that occurs on the earth, Ye shall watch all the glory go to software and sales, Ye shall be blamed by them both if the system then fails. Ye shall be paid nothing out of sorrow and tears, Ye shall be forever cursed, and called FIELD ENGINEERS!" -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whore house." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day, she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ At the TV station where I work, the urinal in the men's room has a defective flush mechanism, and if you don't jiggle the handle a bit it will overflow when flushed. Some well meaning but semi-illiterate chap had posted a sign saying "PLEASE WIGGEL HANDEL". Somebody else had written underneath, "If I do, will it wiggel Bach?" Who's the most popular guy at a nudist colony? The one who can carry 4 cups of coffee and a dozen dougnuts at once. Who's the most popular girl? The one who can eat the last dougnut. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Greeting Ladies, Gentelemen, Sysops, Moderators, and "Other"s. After a several day trek into the semi-frozen hemesphere (Canada), I have done exhaustive research (I went to the library) and found (made up) MORE ways cities got their names. The following is the results of my wild and fruitful search for wild fruit in Canada. Here they are: Drum roll please Ringo: ALMA: Young love. A bonny lass was introducing her beau to her family. Lets listen in: "Mother, this is Albert; Al, Ma." Port Alfread: While BATMAN and his trusty butler were heading into this as yet unnamed port, the boat was about to run into a jetty on its right side. BATMAN had to yell "PORT alfread, steer to PORT!!" Stoneham: This city is known for its exceptionaly tough meat. The pigs of this region are as hard as rocks. Montreal: The trials of a southern Georgia man who moved up north. He moved up to this area and built a greenhouse to house a single orange tree. Only knowing a few French words, he depended on a mixture of French and English. (Much like Californians rely on English/Beach/profanity) When asked where he managed to get an orange in the middle of winter he thought a moment and replied: MON TREE Y'ALL. Parc Pontiac: Not a very imaginitve population, this group moved up from Detroit. The only possesion they brought with them was an American car. When they finally arrived the leader pointed to a spot on the ground and said "Park Pontiac". And a city was born. Punchaw: People of this area have a bias against chewing tobbacco. In order to get people to quit chewing it they make up bad jokes about it. "You need to chew your chaw" Another source reported a little bar on the edge of town to be the site of a huge bar fight every weekend. Many times a loud sound of pain was to be heard after someone was punched. Clo-oose Port: This is a port with a suprising number of near collisions between ships. Many nerve was wracked by a CLOOOSE ship. SOOK: The cleanist city in Canada. This is not by accident. After putting in a hard day in the woods, deforesting Canada, all everyone wanted was a bath. It soon became a tradition for everyone to take a bath twice a day. The morning bath would get everyone clean and the evening bath, usually accomponied by a loved one was just a good long soak. NOTE: On june 21st 1903 Albert (every fifth male is named Albert in Canada due to a obscure law) Bubbleburt, a man possesed of VERY l large feet, refused to take his evening bath. The populace was so upset they forced him out of the country. He eventually became a member of a circus as a lion tamer, unfortunatly, his carrer ended after only one show when the lion sniffed him and went on a wild rampage through the tent. Though he has never been seen (officially) again, Rumors of a large man/ape have surfaced in the Pacific Northwest region of the United States. This is thought by some to be Mr. Bubbleburt, as the creature is said to have extreamly large feet. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Two buddies decided to take up trapping and headed for the mountains. Stopping at a general store, they bought the supplies they would need for the winter. The clerk eyed the two men sagely, then put two wooden boards in with their supplies. The boards each had a hole in the middle, surrounded by fur. One of the trappers asked the clerk, "What are the boards for?" "Oh, you'll find a purpose for them," the clerk answered. The following spring one of the trappers, weary and grizzled, returned to the general store for more supplies. Remembering him, the clerk said, "As I remember, there were two of you. Where's your friend?" The trapper growled, and said, "Friend, hell! In the dead of winter, I trudged home after a hard day's trapping and found the lowlife sonofabitch in bed with _my_ board. So I shot him!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Counsel: Do you wish to challenge any of the jury? Prisoner: Well, I think I could lick that little fellow on this end. Didya hear about the Micheal Jackson Burger at McD's? Ya it's got a 30-year old meat between 9 year old buns! Q:What does Kermit the Frog say when he's horny?? A:Rub-it Rub-it Rub-it Rub-it. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Route #1 Possum Creek, Arizona Consolidated Vultee Aircraft Corporation San Diego, California Gentlemen: Just received your super-heated letter in regards to the bill which I owe you. You said you thought the bill would have been paid long ago, and couldn't understand why it hadn't. Well, I will enlighten you. In 1930 I bought a sawmill, an oxteam and a timber cart on credit. In 1932 a breech-loading shotgun, two mules, a $25 Colt revolver, and a wine tester. Also two fine razor- back hogs. All on that damn installment plan. In 1934 my father died and my brother was lynched for stealing. A railroad man knocked up my daughter and I had to pay a doctor $600 to keep the little bastard from becoming a relative of mine. In 1939 my oldest boy got the mumps and they went down on him. The doctor had to castrate him to save his life. Then one day when I was fishing the boat turned over and I lost the biggest mess of catfish you ever saw. Also two of my boys drowned, neither being the one that was castrated. In 1943 my wife ran off with a heavy hung nigger and left me a pair of twins for a souvenir. Then I married the maid to keep down expenses, but found I had trouble getting her to come. I went to a doctor and he advised me to create some excitement about the time I thought she was ready, so one night I stuck the gun out the window and fired. My wife shit in the bed, I ruptured myself and killed the best milk cow I ever had. In 1946 I was burned out and took to drinking. I didn't stop until all I had left was my Waterbury watch and kidney trouble. Then for awhile all I did was wind my watch and piss. In 1950 I decided to try again, so I bought a manure spreader, a Deering binder and a thrashing machine; all on credit. Two weeks later a cyclone blew the whole works into the next county. My wife caught the clap from a traveling man and somebody nutted my best bull. Now if it cost a nickel to shit I couldn't even fart. Yet you say you can cause me trouble! Trying to get money out of me would be like trying to poke butter up a wildcat's ass with a hot icepick, but you're welcome to try. Yours for more credit, Silas Creeder ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Ok this guy goes to a doctor because his wife hasn't had sex with him in six months. The guys says to the doctor, "You gotta help me out, she has lost all interest in me!" Then doctor smiles, "I know the problem, slip one of these pills in her wine glass tonight." So the guy goes home and sets up a wonderful candlelit dinner. When his wife isn't looking he slips a pill into her glass and thinks to himself "Hey, if these pills are so good I should take one myself." But nothing happens all night long, finally at 12:00 midnight his wife sit up and cries out "I need a MAN!" and he sits up and says "ME TOO!". ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The Big Boat Race Once upon a time, the Federal Ministry of Reorganization and the local Azylum for the Insane decided to have a boat race on the Ottawa river. Both teams practiced long and hard, and on Race Day, the team from the Asylum won by two kilometers. Afterwards, the Ministry of Reorganization managers became very discouraged. Morale sank. Senior management decided that the reason for this crushing defeat had to be discovered, so they hired a consulting firm (made up of retired senior managers) to study the situation and issue a report. The consulting firm, after spending more money than anticipated, informed management that they had discovered the reason behind the defeat. It appeared that the teams, although even in numbers, were organized differently. The Azylum team had eight people rowing and one person steering, while the Ministry of Reorganization team had one person rowing and eight steering. To prepare for next year's race the Ministry totally reorganized the management structure of their team. They appointed three steering managers, three steering directors and one assistant deputy minister responsible for steering. They also implemented a new performance system that was guaranteed to make the one person (a CR-2) still rowing, work even harder. This new performance plan was called "THE TEAM CONCEPT". When the time came for the next race however, the team from the Azylum beat the Ministry's team by over four kilometers. Senior management in the Ministry, angry and humiliated by this loss, promptly laid off the rower for poor performance and halted development plans for a new racing boat. All the steering managers were given outstanding service awards. The money saved by the cancellation of the new boat was given to the steering directors in the form of performance bonuses. The assistant deputy minister responsible for steering was promoted and placed in charge of reorganizing the federal government. The Sport Canada grant to the Azylum for the Insane was discontinued. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ THE POOPIE LIST The "Ghost" Poopie- Kind where you feel the poopie come out, see poopie on the paper, but there's no poopie in the bowl. The "Clean" Poopie- Kind where you feel the poopie come out, see poopie in the bowl, but there's no poopie on the paper. The "Wet" Poopie- Kind where you wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so that you don't ruin them with dreadful skid marks. The "Second Wave" Poopie- This poopie usually happens when you're finished, your Pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize that you have to poopie some more. The "Brain Hemorrhage through your Nose" Poopie- You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke. The "Corn Cob" Poopie- No more explanation necessary. The "Lincoln Log" Poopie- Kind of poopie that's so enormous you're afraid to flush without first breaking it up into little pieces with a toilet brush. The "Power Dump" Poopie- Kind of poopie that comes out so fast you barely get your pants down when you're done. The "Liquid Plumber" Poopie- This kind of poopie is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor (You should have followed the advice for the "Lincoln Log" Poopie. The "Gee, I really wish I could" Poopie- Kind where you want to poopie but all you can do is sit on the toilet cramped and farting. The "Spinal Tap" Poopie- Kind of poopie that hurts so much coming out you'd swear its coming out sideways. The "I think I'm giving Birth through my Asshole" Poopie- Similar to the "Lincoln Log" and "Spinal Tap" poopie. The shape and size of it resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterward. The "Porridge" Poopie- type of poopie that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps coming. You have two choices a) flush and keep going, b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless. The "I think I'm turning into a Bunny" Poopie- when you drop lots of little round turds that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water. The "I'm Going to Chew my Food Better" Poopie-when the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates your insides on the way out. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ AM Disc Jockeys do it with Modulated Amplitude. AT&T does it in Long Lines. Accountants do it for profit. Actors do it in the limelight. Actors do it on camera. Acupuncturists do it with a small prick. Alexander Portnoy does it alone. Algebraists do it in groups. Algorithmic analysts do it with a combinatorial explosion. Alvin Toffler will do it in the future. Anarchists do it revoltingly. Anesthetists do it painlessly. Arlo Guthrie does it on his Motorcycle. Armadilloes do it avec l'amour (Fr., "despite their armour"). Artists do it in the buff. Astronomers do it all night long. Astronomers do it in the dark. Australians do it down under. Auto mechanics do it under hoods, using oil and grease. Babies do it in their pants. Bach did it with the organ. Bakers do it for the dough. Ballet dancers do it on tip-toe. Banana pickers do it in bunches. Bankers do it for money, but there is a penalty for early withdrawal. Bankers do it with interest. Barbers do it with Bryll Cream. Barbers do it with scissors. Baseball Players do it with their bats. Batman does it with Robin. Beethoven was the first to do it with a full orchestra. Bicycle racers do it with at 90-110 rpm. Bicyclists do it with a cadence. Bicyclists do it with chains. Birds do it, bees do it, even chimpanzees do it... Blitzkrieg players do it in five minutes. Bookkeepers do it for the record. Bowlers do it in the alley. Bowlers do it with balls. Bridge players do it with a partner. Bridge players do it with finesse. Bus drivers do it in transit. Businessmen do it in the black. Businessmen do it in the red. Butchers do it in the raw. Carpenters do it indoors. Carpenters do it tongue-in-groove. Catholics do it A LOT! Chess players do it in their minds. Choir boys do it unaccompanied. Cluster analysts do it in groups. Cockroaches have done it for millions of years, without apparent ill-effects. Collectors do it in sets. Combinatorialists do it a countable number of times, sadly. Combinatorialists do it discreetly. Comedians do it for laughs. Computer programmers do it logically. Computer scientists do it by bit. Conductors do it rhythmically. Confectioners do it sweetly. Construction workers do it higher. Cows do it in leather. Cryptographers do it secretly. Crystallographers do it with groups. DJs do it on the air. Dancers do it to music. Dark horses do itcome-from-behind. Declarative programmers do it productively. Delivery men do it at the rear entrance. Dentists do it orally. Dentists do it painlessly (HA!) Dentists do it with drills. Diamond cutters do it harder. Divers do it deeper. Divers do it underwater. Doctors do it with patience. Don't do it with a banker. Most of them are tellers. Donuts do it with cream or jelly. Drummers do it to the beat. Drummers do it with rhythm. Dummy's partner does it with dummy's hand. Economists do it with inflation. Electrical Engineers do it with more frequency and less resistance. Electricians do it in their shorts. Engineers do it with a first order approximation. Engineers do it with precision. Entrepreneurs do it with creativity and originality. Executives do itin three piece suits. FM Disc Jockeys do it in stereo, and with high fidelity. Factor analysts rotate their principal components. Faith healers do it with whatever they can lay their hands on (?) Farmers do it in the dirt. Farmers doit with cows, sheep and other assorted animals. First fiddles do it violently. Fluid Mechanics do it smoothly. Flyers do it on top, upside down, or rolling. Fortran programmers do it with double precision. Fortran programmers do. Frank Sinatra does it his way. Gardeners do it in bed. Gee, I wonder how Oral Roberts does it? Geologists do it eruptively, with glow, and always smoke afterwards. Golfers do it in 18 holes. Golfers do it with their putters. Graduates do it bydegrees. Group theorists do it either way. Hairdressers do it with curling irons. Ham radio operators do it with higher frequency. Hang-Gliders do it inthe air. Hardware buffs do it in nanoseconds. Hedgehogs do it cautiously. Heinzdoes it with great relish. Hermits do it alone. Historians did it. If it feels good, do it. Jockeys do it with whips and saddles. Joggers do it on the run. Jugglers do it until they drop. Jugglers do it with more balls. Julia Childdoes it with asparagus and Hollandaise sauce. Lawrence Welk does it withfeeling. Lawyers do it in briefs. Lawyers do it in front of the Judge and Jury. Lawyers do it in their briefs. Librarians do it by the book. Librarians do it silently. Lifeguards do it on the beach. Linguists do it with their tongues. Lions do it with pride. Logicians do it consistently and completely. Magiciansdo it with rabbits. Mathemeticians do it exponentially! Mathmaticians do it an uncountable number of times. Milkmen do it in the morning. Miners do it with abang. Ministers do it only on Sunday. Ministers do it vicariously. Miss Piggydoes it with Kermit. Monopoly players do it for hours. Morticians do itgravely. Mountain Climbers do it on the rocks. Mountain climbers do it abysmally. Mountaineers do it showing excellent technique on the peak. Musicians do it with rhythm. Mussourgsky does it at an exhibition. Nahh, real mathematicians do it discretely -- anyone who does it Nixon did it to us, but we did it to him. Nobel laureates do it in the bank. Nurses do it withpatience. Operators mount everything. Orthodontists do it with braces. Particlephysicists do it energetically. Pathologists do it with corpses. Patients do itfeverishly. Pheasants do it under glass. Photographers do it in the dark. Physicist do it a quantum at a time. Physicists do it ultra-relativistically. Physicists do it with high energy particles. Pilots do it to get high. Pipefitters do it with blowtorches. Plumbers do it with snakes and helpers. Podiatrists do it with feet. Poker players do it with their own hand. Politicians do it to make the headlines. Polymer Chemists do it in chains. Postmen do it at the front entrance. Priests do it heavenly. Prince Charles and Lady Di do it royally. Printers do it without wrinkling the sheets. Procrastinators will do it when they get around to it. Professors forget to do it. Programmers do it with bugs. Programs do it in loops. Psychiatrists do itlike crazy. Psychologists do it with rats! Psychologists would like to do itwith 95% confidence. Quantum Mechanics do it with uncertainty. Ranchers do itwith cows and sheep. Real estate brokers do it on the ground. Receptionists doit in the vestibule. Recursion theorists do it in one go (Kleene normal form theorem). Reporters do it for the sensation it causes. Researchers do it with control. Robbers do it under arms. Robots do it mechanically. Roofers do it upon top. Roosters do it coquettishly. Rugby players do it with leather balls. Sailors do it ad nauseam. Schematologists do it haltingly. Scientists do it experimentally. Scotsmen do it with Amazing Grace. Secretaries do it with no mistakes. Sheep do it when led astray. Shubert didn't finish it. Skunks do itinstinctively. Skydivers go down faster. Snakes do it in the grass. Snipers doit with a bang. Soccer players do it for kicks. Soldiers do it standing erect. Sopranos do it in unison. Sparrows do it for a lark (hearsay). Spies do itunder cover. St. Matthew did it passionately. Statisticians do it with a little deviance. Statisticians probably do it. Steel workers do it hotter. Stockbrokers do it on the margin. Stragglers do it in the rear. Superman does it faster than a speeding bullet. Surfers do it standing up. Surgeons do itincisively. Swimmers do it in the water. Swimmers do it with strokes. Tchaikovsky did it pathetically. Teachers do it with class. Teddy Roosevelt didit softly, but with a big stick. Tennis players do it in sets. Tennis playersdo it with a racket. The IRS does it to EVERYBODY. The Mets did it in 69. Thefolks at Smith-Barney do it "the old fashoined way". Topologists do it on rubber sheets. Topologists do it openly. Truants do it absently. Typesetters doit between periods. Typists do it with their fingers. Undertakers do it with corpses. Ushers do it in the dark. Ventriloquists do it with their mouths closed. Violinists do it with long strokes. WW I GIs did it over there. Wagner did it for hours. Waiters and waitresses do it for tips. Welders do it with hotrods. Well diggers do it in a hole. Wrestlers try not to do it on their backs. Yankees do it frugally. Yellow Pages do it with Walking Fingers. Zipper makers do it on the fly. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by Boeing physicists. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than one second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization. Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations and universities and can usually be found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings. Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Excerpts from Robert Wayne Pelton's Loony Sex Laws that You Never Knew You Were Breaking (Walker and Company): In the quiet town of Connorsville, Wisconsin, it's illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm. It's against the law in Willowdale, Oregon, for a husband to curse during sex. In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day. No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth. Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you- or holding you in his arms. Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown- if they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!) In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds! The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts. An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in-meat freezer! A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts. In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job- for men only- called a corset inspector. However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male." It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate. Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing. Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term. In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in. A Florida sex law: If you're a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can't parachute on Sunday afternoons. Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio- a man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!" No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?" The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years." "What was the result?" "It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes SMACK..."OH SHIT"! A skydiver goes..."OH SHIT"! SMACK.... Seems Elton John and Micheal Jackson have teamed up to sing a new song... it is going to be called..... "Don't Let Your Son Go Down On Me" A young lady sent lots of letters to her boyfriend, who was away in the service. He wrote back, saying he was so lonesome and loved her so much that he steamed the stamps off her letters and kissed them, knowing they had once touched her lips. "Don't do that," she hurriedly wrote back. "I wet them on the dog's nose." Customer to television salesperson: "I don't need a remote control on my TV. With four kids in the house, my chances of controlling it are already remote. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ======================================== Revised Universal CPU Opcode Command Set ======================================== AG Add Gibberish AGO Allow Games Only AII Add Insult to Injury APX Apply Power and eXplode ASBM Add Soap to Bubble Memory ASPR Arithmetic Shift Passwords Rightwards BA Branch Approximate BBL Branch on Burned out Light BDC Break Down and Cry BEQ Buy EQuipment BFM Branch on Full Moon BFP Blow Front Panel BGL Branch and Goto Lunch BH Branch and Hang BIB Branch If Branch if branch... BLI Branch and Loop Infinite BNE Buy Non-IBM Equipment BOMB Burn Out Memory Banks BOZO Simulate IBM operating system BPB Branch on Program Bug BPP Branch Pretty Please BSO Branch Sort Of BW Branch on Whim BYEBYE Store in Write-Only Storage BZR Branch if piZza Ready CAO Compare Apples to Oranges CBA Compare if Biorhythms Amenable CCC Crash if Carry Clear CCP Clear Core and Proceed CDC Clear Disks and Crash CEQ Corrupt and Erase Queue CLOUT Call Long-distance On Unused Telephone CM Cirulate Memory CMS (See BOZO) CNR Convert to Roman Numerals CNU Convert to Unary COMB Sraighten Wires CPE Create Parity Error CPM Change Programmer's Mind CPP Crush Plotter Pen CRN Compare to Random Number CSD Charge Surreptitiously to DOE CSF Charge to NSF CWB Carry with Borrow D Detonate DC Divide and Conquer DCBP Detonate Chair on Bad Password DCVP Destroy another Computer Via Phone-link DMK Destroy Memory-protection Key DMV Divide Memory by Zero DNC Do Not Collect $200 DNPG Do Not Pass Go DO Deadstart Operator DPC Double Precision Crash DPN Double Precision No-op DSO Do Something or Other DST Deadlock System Tables DTF Dump Tape to Floor DTFS Dump Tape to Floor and Shred DUL Delete Utility Library EBO Emulate Brown-Out ED Eject Disk EF Emulate Fireworks EFB Emulate Five-volt Battery mode EFBI Emulate Five-volt Battery Intermittently EIV Erase IPL Volume EOS Erase Operating System EROS Erase Read-Only Storage ESBD Erase System and Burn Documentation ESC Emulate Small Child ESR Emulate Slide Rule FA Failsafe Armed FCE Fill Core with Epoxy FD Failsafe Disarmed FLR Flash Lights Randomly FR Flip Record FSM Fold, Spandle and Mutilate FSRA Forms Skip and Run-Away GLV Ground the Line Voltage HAL Murder Operator HALT No-Op HBT Harvest Binary Tree HCF Halt and Catch Fire HSJ Hop, Skip and Jump IA Illogical And IAI Ignore All Instructions IAM Increase Amperage Above Maximum IBLU Ignore Basic Laws of Universe IG Insert Garbage IIB Ignore Inquiry and Branch anyway IML Invoke Murphy's Laws IO Illogical Or IOP Insult OPerator IPL Invent Program Lines IXM Initiate X-rated error Messages JSP Jump on Sexy Programmer JTC Jump To Conclusions L Lie! LA Lockout Access LAG Load And Garble LC Lobotomize CPU LCD Launch Cartridge Disk LD Lose Device LINO Last In, Never Out mode LJD Lock Job on Disk LOOP Endless Loop LTT Lose Timing Track MBR Move Bits Randomly MC Melt down Core MD Move and Drop bits MET Misread and Eat Tape MFC Mangle Following Command MII Mask all Interrupts and then Interrupt MT Muddle Through MTP MounT Programmer MW Multiply Work NBR Unconditional No BRanch NBRM Unconditional No BRanch Multiple NOP Randomize the PSW and then branch OI Vey OKP On your Knees and Pray! PBC Print and Break Chain PBF Pay Bus Fare PBT Prune Binary Tree PDH Page to Disk for the Hell of it PFM Pray For Miracle PHP Put Hackers into Privileged mode PIC Permute Instruction Codes PMT Punch Magnetic Tape PO Punch Operator POI Power Off Intermittently PPC Parallel to Perpendicular Conversion PRM PRint Money PS Pirate Software PSM Print and SMear PSP Push Stack Pointer PUS PUrge System PWB Put to Waste Basket RECRSV Recursive Mode (See RECRSV) RAI Randomize Accounting Information RBR Remove Bits Randomly RBT Rewind and Break Tape RC Rewind Core RCM Randomly Corrupt Microcode RCR Rewind Card Reader RCS Read Card Sideways REP Randomly Execute Programmers RG Read inter-record Gap RIW Re-Invent Wheel RJT Read and Jam Tape RLB Ruin Logic Board RLBM Ruin Logic Board Multiple RLBMI Ruin Logic Board Multiple Indexed RNC Re-Number Channels RP Read Printer RPM Read Programmer's Mind RPSW Randomize Program Status Word RSC Rewind System Clock RTS Rewind Tape and Shred RWD Rewind Disk SBB Store in Bit Bucket SCS Spurious Cold Start SD Self Destruct SDD Search and Destroy Disk SDS Sort of Do Something SEOB Set Every Other Bit SFA Seek Finacial Assistance SG Show Garbage SGD Spin and Granulate Disks SHP Solve Halting Problem SHUTDOWN (See EFB) SM Sear Memory SNARF System Normalize And Reset Flags SOD Scribble On Disk SPAT Show Passwords on All Terminals SRZ Subtract and Reset to Zero SSAN Stop, and See if Anyone Notices SSD Scramble Segment Directory SSJ Select Stacker to Jam SSN Set Serial Number SSU Screw the System Users ST Scratch Tape START Cancel preceding jobs in queue STOP No Op STBR Scratch Tape Before Reading SVC Swindle, Violate and Corrupt SVE Skip on Vernal Equinox TDB Transfer and Drop Bits TIO Take It Over TOAC Turn Off Air Conditioner TSZ Thus Spake Zarathustra TVO Type Various Obscenities UDF Use Disk for Frisbee ULC Undo Last Command UTD Unravel Tape into Drive VAX Change vendor immediately (See BNE) WBT Water Binary Tree WC Wind Clock WDS Warp Drive, Scotty! WE Write and Erase data WFL Wave FLag WK Write to Keyboard WNR Write Noisy Record WOM Write Operator's Mind WROM Write to Read Only Memory WRTJ Who Reads This Junk? WSN Write Short Novel WWLR Write Wrong Length Record XA Execute Address field XER Exclusive ERror XI Execute Invalid op-code XM Exclusive Maybe XND Exclusive NAND XO Execute Operator XP Execute Programmer XYZZY Branch and Play Adventure YOGA Exit Finite-State Mode YOYO (See EFBI) ZCFH Zero Core For the Hell of it ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ STANDARD DISCLAIMER This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. List each check separately by bank number. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. Subject to CAB approval. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. All models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. No postage necessary if mailed in Australia. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Many suitcases look alike. Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Colors may, in time, fade. We have sent the forms which seem to be right for you. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Not affiliated with the Australian Red Cross. Drop in any mailbox. Edited for television. Keep cool; process promptly. Post office will not deliver without postage. List was current at time of printing. Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. At participating locations only. Not the Beatles. Penalty for private use. See label for sequence. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Falling rock. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Your canceled check is your receipt. Add toner. Place stamp here. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Be sure each item is properly endorsed. Sign here without admitting guilt. Slightly higher west of Cootamundra. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. Limited time offer, call now to insure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this engagement. No purchase necessary. Processed at location stamped in code at top of carton. Shading within a garment may occur. Use only in well-ventilated area. Keep away from fire or flame. Replace with same type. Approved for veterans. Booths for two or more. Check here if tax deductible. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does not include taxes. No Queensland coins. Not recommended for children. Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. No solicitors. No alcohol, dogs, or horses. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Restaurant package, not for resale. List at least two alternate dates. First pull up, then pull down. Call toll free before digging. Driver does not carry cash. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Record additional transactions on back of previous stub. This supersedes all previous notices. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Q: How many people in Star Trek: The Next Generation does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Nine. A light blub goes out on the bridge.... Riker : GEORDI--WHAT THE H*** IS GOING ON?! Picard: Someone remove the lightbulb. Conference! In the Conference room. Troi : (putting her hand on the dead bulb) I feel... pain. Worf : The bulb is useless now, Captain. Let me dispose of it. (unholsters phaser and adjusts it to "OBLITERATE" setting) Data : (thinking about what Worf said) Captain, if I were to become non-functional like this bulb, would I receive a regular burial or would I be disposed of like... Picard: Shut up, Data. Hold your fire, Mr. Worf. Where is Mr. LaForge? Geordi: (stepping into the room) Here, Captain. I'm afraid we're out of light bulbs. Who needs light anyway? With my VISOR, I can clearly see despite the absence of visible light. Bev : I can surgically remove everyone's eyes and outfit us all with VISORs... Wes : No way, Mom. Wait! I got it! I'll build us a positronic krigga-wave-condensing incandescent light generator! Riker : Excellent, Wes. BTW, WHAT THE H*** are you doing in this meeting? This is for senior officers only! Worf, put Ensign Crusher in the brig! Worf : (To Wes, grinning) You will walk or I will carry you! Bev : You're not touching my son! Everyone lurches. Outside, two Borg ships begin attacking the Enterprise. Everyone rushes to the bridge. Q suddenly appears on the bridge. Picard: Q! End this! Q : Temper temper, mon capitan. Can't you humans take a joke? (snaps fingers--Borg ships disappear) Picard: I didn't mean the Borg ships--I meant the light bulb! Q : Oh. Sorry (snaps fingers again--bulb is restored). Until next time! (flash of light--Q disappears) Picard: (hands restored bulb to Wes) prepare to screw light bulb. Wes : Aye, Captain (holds bulb in position over bulb socket) Picard: Engage! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ TRAVELLERS, BEWARE If you're travelling to Asia, there are some native customs you should know about. InnerAsia Expeditions, a San Francisco travel company warns; In rural Irain Jaya, men say goodbye by clasping each other's penis. So don't be surprised if your host gropes for your's, he's just trying to be friendly. Japanese hotel maids don't bother knocking before entering a room. They don't care if you are nude, but may find it embarrassing if you acknowledge your nakedness. In Tibet, many natives may stick their tongues out at you. This means that they are good people. It dates to the 10th century when an evil anti-Buddhist king, Lang Dharma, was said to have a black tongue. By sticking out their tongues they are proving that they are not evil. Baring the soles of your feet is an insult to Malaysians. They believe that soles are the dirtiest part of the body and by displaying them, you transfer the dirt to them. A thumbs up gesture in Bangladesh means the same as the middle finger gesture in North America. And the best for last; An open window at a single woman's home in central Bhutan, is an invitation for bachelors to come inside for a little R&R. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. `Forgive us our trespasses.'" When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. `Lead us not into temptation.'" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ *** The Deer Hunt *** 1:00 am Alarm clock rings 2:00 am Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed 2:30 am Throw everything except the kitchen sink in the pick-up 3:00 am Leave home for deep woods 3:15 am Drive back home and pick up gun 3:30 am Drive like hell to get to the woods before daylight 4:00 am Set up camp - Realize that you forgot the damned tent 4:30 am Head out into woods 6:05 am See eight (8) deer 6:06 am Take aim and squeeze trigger 6:07 am "Click" 6:08 am Load gun while watching deer go over the hill 8:00 am Head back to camp 9:00 am Still looking for camp 10:00 am Realize you don't know where the camp is -Noon- Fire gun for help - eat some wild berries 12:15 pm Ran out of bullets - 8 deer come back 12:20 pm Strange feeling in stomach 12:30 pm Realize you ate poison berries 12:45 pm Rescued!! 12:55 pm Rushed to the hospital to have stomach pumped 3:00 pm Arrive back at camp 3:30 pm Leave camp to kill deer 4:00 pm Return to camp for bullets 4:01 pm Load gun - leave camp again 5:00 pm Empty gun on squirrel that is really bugging you 6:00 pm Arrive at camp. See deer grazing in camp. 6:01 pm Load Gun 6:02 pm Fire gun 6:03 pm One Dead Truck 6:05 pm Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer! 6:06 pm Supress strong desire to shoot partner 6:07 pm In doing so, stumble and fall into fire 6:10 pm Change clothes, throw burned ones into fire 6:15 pm Take pick-up, leave partner and his deer in woods 6:25 pm Pick-up boils over - discover bullet hole in radiator 6:26 pm Start walking 6:30 pm Started crying, stumble and fall, drop gun in mud 6:35 pm Meet great big Bear! 6:35 1/2 pm Take aim 6:36 pm Fire gun, blow up barrel plugged with mud. 6:36 1/2 pm Lose all control of bodily functions. 6:37 pm Climb tree 9:00 pm Bear departing, wraps gun around the tree 9:03 pm Feeling relieved that bear is gone 9:04 pm Start climbing down the tree 9:05 pm Fall out of tree -Midnight- Home at last -Sunday- Sitting in bed with cast on leg watching TV, slowly tearing hunting license into itty-bitty pieces, place into envelope, mail to the Game Warden with very clear instructions about what to do with it!! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Tractor Fan An old farmer had spent his life collecting tractors: every time one broke down irreparably or became hopelessly out of date, he refused to sell it, instead keeping it in a large barn. He even bought used tractors from other farmers. He worked on them and polished them, treating them like museum exhibits. Eventually it came time for him to retire, and he decided to sell off his massive collection so that he could live comfortably with his wife in a nice country cottage. So he put advertisements in local and national papers, and waited. He didn't have long to wait: a few days later he received a letter from a visiting American businessman, whose company had built some of the tractors mentioned in the advert and who had an interest in old vehicles himself. After a couple more letters the two arranged to meet in the farmer's local inn/pub on the coming Saturday. That evening came and the businessman arrived, having managed to find the place chiefly by virtue of its being the only large building for several miles. He soon located the farmer in question, despite the heavy clouds of pipe smoke, and an hour passed in most pleasant conversation, the pair turning out to have much in common. "Well," sighed the farmer eventually, "I haven't had such a good yak for a long time, but I suppose it's about time we got down to business, eh?" "Sure," replied the other, "but maybe we could go somewhere else? Y'see, I'm findin' it kinda hard to concentrate with this much smoke." "Ah, there's no need for that", said the farmer, "watch this!" He then proceeded to take an amazingly deep, deep breath, sucking in every last particle of smoke in the room. Then he leaned over to the partially open window behind him and blew all the smoke out into the night. "Hey, how the heck did you manage that?" gasped the American. "Oh, it was nothing; you see, I'm an ex-tractor fan." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Two girls boarded a crowded bus and one of them whispered to the other, "Watch me embarrass a man into giving me his seat." Pushing her way through the crowd, she turned all her charms upon a gentleman who looked like he might embarrass easily. "My dear Mr. Wilson," she gushed, "fancy meeting you on the bus. Am I glad to see you. Why, you're almost a stranger. My, but I'm tired." The sedate gentleman looked up at the girl. He had never seen her before, but he rose and said pleasantly, "Sit down, Mary my girl. It isn't often I see you on washday. No wonder you're tired. Being pregnant isn't easy. By the way, don't deliver the wash until Thursday. My wife is going to the District Attorney's office to see whether she can get your husband out of jail." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The vampire myth is widespread, and details vary from place to place. Here's a handy list, courtesy of Cecil Adams' _The Straight Dope_: -!- clip and save --- VAMPIRE DISPOSAL METHODS, BY COUNTRY OF ORIGIN SPECIES COUNTRY APPROVED METHOD OF DISPOSAL Sampiro Albania Stake through heart Nachtzehrer Bavaria Place coin in mouth, decapitate with ax Ogoljen Bohemia Bury at crossroads Krvoijac Bulgaria Chain to grave with wild roses Kathakano Crete Boil head in vinegar Brukulaco Greece Cut off and burn head Vampir Hungary Stake through heart, nail through temple Dearg-dul Ireland Pile stones on grave Vryolakas Macedonia Pour boiling oil on, drive nail through navel Upier Poland Bury face downwards Gierach Prussia Put poppy seeds in grave Strigoiul Rumania Remove heart, cut in two; garlic in mouth, nail in head Vlkoslak Serbia Cut off toes, drive nail through neck Neuntoter Saxony Lemon in mouth Vampiro Spain No known remedy -!- clip and save --- Keep a copy of this in your wallet (I do). When confronted with a suspected vampire, ask to see his passport (if it shows a birthdate in the eighteenth century, so much the better). Cross reference the place of birth with the chart. Wait until the daylight, when the vampire is dormant, and take him out with the suggested method. BEFORE STARTING THIS OR ANY OTHER VAMPIRE ERADICATION PROGRAM, CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ WANTED A reward of 5,000 MICROFARADS is offered for information leading to the arrest of hop-a-long CAPACITY. This UNRECTIFIED criminal escaped from a WESTON PRIMARY CELL where he had been clapped in IONS. He is CHARGED with the INDUCTION of an 18 TURN COIL named MILLIE HENRY, who was found CHOKED and is a POTENTIAL killer. He is also accused of driving a D.C. MOTOR over the WHEATSTONE BRIDGE and refusing to let the BAND PASS. the ELECTROMOTIVE FORCE spent the night searching for him in a MAGNETIC FIELD where he had gone to EARTH. They had no success and now believe that he has returned OHM via a SHORT CIRCUIT. He was last seen with a friend EDDY CURRENT, riding a KILOCYCLE. EDDY was playing a HARMONIC. CHARGES against him are filed under OHMS LAW. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Tiny Sue was visiting a farm and decided to buy a watermelon. She picked out a big one from the pile and asked the farmer the price. "That'll be $3," he said. "But I've only got 30 cents," Sue said. The farmer showed her a very small watermelon still on the vine and asked, "How about that one?" "I'll take it," Sue said. "But leave it on the vine. I'll be back for it in a month." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A man was waiting at an intersection for a circus to pass by. He saw a sign on one of the wagons that read: "Barney's Circus with 50 Elephants" He counted the elephants as they crossed the intersection. When he got to 50, he put his car in gear and started to cross the intersection because he was late for an appointment. Unfortunately, he had miscounted and his car hit and killed the last elephant. A week later he got a notice from the circus that he'd have to pay $200,000. He called the circus manager and inquired, "What's the deal? I only hit one lousy elephant! Why do you want $200,000?" The manager responded, "It's true, you only hit one elephant, but you pulled the tails out of 49 others!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ok....one day this guy walks into an antique store and sees this big brass rat. so the guy asks the store owner,"how much for the brass?" The store owner says, "well it's $250 for the rat and $250 for the story behind the rat." The guy says,"I'll just take the rat." So the guy throws the rat in his trunk and as he's drivin down the highway all the rats in the world are following his car...so he goes to a bridge and throws the brass rat into the river, and all the rats drown. Then...the guy goes back to the store and the store owner says, " I just bet you want to know the story behind the rat...huh?" The guy says, "No way man....I was wondering though..if ya gots any brass niggaz?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A Czech and a Romanian came to the United States to go grizzly bear hunting. On their arrival at Yellow Stone the Forest Service Officers told them that since it was mating season and the bears were extremely dangerous. For their own safety the Czech and Romanian were loaned a radio and told to check in with the rangers daily. The first two days went smoothly with the hunters checking in with the rangers and reporting that they had sen no sign of grizzly bear. The third day they failed to report, but the rangers were not too concerned. When they did not report on the fourth day two rangers decided to go check on their well being. When the rangers arrived at the hunters camp they noticed that it had been ripped apart and there was no sign of the Czech or the Romanian. The rangers looked the camp over and found signs that two bears had been responsible for the destruction of the hunters camp. They followed the bears trail and within three miles found a male and female grizzly. Since it was pretty clear to the rangers that the grizzlies had killed the hunters, the rangers shot the bears and proceeded to open them to verify that they had eaten the hunters.The first bear cut open was the female and sure enough in her stomach were enough items to prove that she had eaten the Romanian. At that point one ranger said to the other----I hate to say this but the czech is in the male! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Husband: I hear that fish is brain food. Wife: You had better eat a whale. ........ Student: I hear that fish is brain food. Roommate: Yeah, I eat it all the time. Student: Well, there goes another theory. ........ "How long can a person live without brains?" "I don't know. How old are you?" ........ Father: Don't you think our son gets all his brains from me? Mother: Probably. I still have all mine. ........ Don: She's a bright girl...she has brains enough for two. Art: Then she's just the girl for you. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Two old maids were walking down a country road when they heard some noise. Looking, they saw a hen running away from a rooster. As the rooster got closer, the hen cackled defiantly and rushed into the road. A passing car ran over her. One of the old maids said, with pride in her voice, "Did you see that? She'd rather die!" ----------- I heard that O.J was just going to Nicole's house to chop off Ron's dick...unfortunately he had to cut her throat to get to it. ----------- Amy said, "What color dress are you wearing to the sales award dinner?" Judy answered, "Were supposed to wear something to match the color of our husband's hair. What will you wear?" Amy replied, "Gracious me! I don't think I'll go." ----------- A man walked into a police station and asked to see the man who'd been arrested for robbing his house the night before. The desk sergeant said, "This is unusual. Can you give me a reason?" The man said, "I want to find out how he got into my house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for twenty-five years!" ----------- A Los Angeles Superior Court judge, in pursuance of his duties, had to perform an occasional marriage ceremony. He found it difficult to dissociate the various functions of his office. Everything had gone smoothly until he asked one bride, "Do you take this man to be your husband?" The bride nodded definitely. "And you, accused," the judge said, turning to the bridegroom, "What have you to say in your defense?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A group of explorers are being lead through think jungle by native guide. On the first evening in the jungle distant drums begin. One of the explorers enquires as to the source only to be answered "Bad thing if drums stop... I say no more" By daybreak the drums are still going. Again they ask about their reason but are met with the same answer from their guide "Bad thing if drums stop... I say no more" They trek through the day and in to the night without the drums relenting. Driven to the point of desperation one of the explorers grabs the guide and demands to be told about the drums.. "Very bad thing if drums stop... Bass solo starts" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The Battle of the Bobbit Hillbillies (sung to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies) Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named John, A poor ex-marine with a little fraction gone. It seems one night after gettin' with the wife, She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife. Penis, that is. Clean cut. Missed his nuts. Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side, And Lorena's in the car takin' Willie for a ride. She soon got tired of her purple headed friend And tossed him out of the window as she rounded a bend. Curve, that is. Tossed the nub. In the shrub. She went to the cops and confessed to the attack, And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back. They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "over there" To John Wayne's henry that was wavin' in the air. Found, that is. By a fence. Evidence. Now peter and John couldn't stay apart too long So a dick doc said, "Hey, I can fix that dong!" "A needle and thread is all we're gonna need" And the whole world waited till they heard that Johnny peed. Whizzed, that is. Even seam. Straight stream. Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court With a half-assed lawyer 'cause his assets came up short. They cleared of assault and acquitted him of rape, And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape. Video, that is. Unexposed. Case Closed. Ya'll sleep on your stomachs now, ya hear! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Ernest and Herbert were religious doubters, but they had a little bit of faith. They agreed that the one who died first would make every effort to communicate with the other. Herbert was the first to "depart." For many months, Ernest kept alert, hoping to hear from him. Finally, one night he awoke from a deep sleep and heard a familiar voice calling, "Ernest! Ernest!" "Herbert!" cried Ernest. "You've done it! I heard you! Tell me, what's it like?" "Well," said Herbert, "it's not bad. I'm in a very comfortable, calm, dark place. After enjoying sleep, I come out and eat in beautiful green meadows. Then I have a little sex and go back into my dark comfort. After a lovely sleep, again I feel hungry, so I have some more lovely green food to eat, and then a little sex, and then back again to sleep." "Golly," said Ernest, "so that's what Heaven is like!" "Heaven? said Herbert. "Who said I was in Heaven? I'm a rabbit in Altoona, Pa." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ -Fools rush in where fools have been before. -I'm so completely open-minded on the issue that I'll even listen to your fantastically stupid, idiotic opinion. -To avoid duplication, make three copies. -Do not disturb...genius at werk. -It's called "Take Home" pay because you can't afford to go anywhere else with it. -Success is relative; The greater the success, the more relatives. -Anyone can be a winner...unless, of course, there's a second entry. -The slower you work, the fewer misteaks you make. -If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. -If at first you succeed, try to hide your astonishment. -You must have learned from others' mistakes. You haven't had time to think all those up yourself. -If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. -Never do your very best; It leaves no room for improvement. -People like criticism...just keep it positive and flattering. -It's OK to let your mind go blank, but please turn off the sound. -Worry kills more people than work because more people worry than work. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ this is in no way ment to be tacky, but it is a bit of TRUE humor that came from the OKC bombing.. you may or may not know that ham radio operators played a big part in the rescue effort.. anyway.. the bomb site is a federal crime scene, so F.B.I. and secret service are everywhere.. the stress and anxiety(sp?) level was high cause no one knew if or when a second bomb was going to go off.. well, my ham radio friend was in charge of the flood lights.. the evening came and it was time for the lights.. my friend gave the engine on the generator a yank... the sucker backfired! he lifted his head to see a boquet of F.B.I. and secret service with an army of firepower pointed at him... just the look on his terrified face was worth a million bucks... ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Ridiculous rules still on the books in Tennessee: In Alamo: A person found intoxicated must be given a large dose of castor oil by a local doctor...and failure to gulp it down will result in a fine. In Newport: It's against the law to tickle a girl under her chin with a feather duster in order to get her attention. In Collierville: Keeping clean can be a chilly proposition, as a law there says all bathtubs must be kept in the backyard. In Waverly: You better not let your horse near the tub, since horses are prohibited from sleeping in them, as well as in the house. In Wartburg: The town strictly forbids single, widowed or divorced women from parachuting on Sunday! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A man went to an auction and was intrigued by a parrot he saw, and so he decided to bid on it. When the time came, early bids for the bird were $100, $150, etc., but the man thought he'd settle it quickly by bidding $1,000. A few "ooohs" and "ohhhhhs" went through the crowd until another voiced popped in with a $1500 bid. Back and forth the bidding went until he finally won out with a $10,000 bid! Upon getting the bird back home, he decided to try to get the bird to do some talking. "Say 'Polly wanna cracker'", he said over and over to try to get the parrot to respond, but to no avail. Finally, in a fit of rage he yelled, "I spent $10,000 on you and you can't even talk, you waste of a bird!!" "Can't talk?" the bird responded, "Who did you think was bidding against you?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Top Ten things that will never be on the menu at McDonalds... 10: Milkweed Shakes 9: McCanine Club Sandwich 8: Kitten MgNuggets 7: Hashish Browns. 6: McRoadkill Pizza 5: The Big Sac 4: McSpleen Deluxe 3: Fillet o' Horse 2: Double McProstate w/cheese 1: Chef's Finger in the Salad It may not be in the menu, but it might actually be in the food for all we know. I worked there for a year and it was awful! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Why the Internet Is Like a Penis ================================ * It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done. * In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time. * It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before. * It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late. * If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses. * It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently. * We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. * If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble. * It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?" * Some folks have it, some don't. * Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong. * Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it. * Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The optimist sees a doughnut. The pessimist sees a hole. Sit in: When you sit down to stand up for your rights. One good way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes. Don't ever confuse an open mind with one that's vacant. Skill is successfully walking a tightrope over Niagara Falls. Intelligence is not trying. What are the odds of something happening at 12:50 p.m.? Ten to one. Alarm clock: Something that makes people rise and whine. Every time I get on a ferry, it makes me cross. If you see an onion ring, answer it. A woman who dresses to kill probably cooks the same way. Don't envy the boss. Remember he's the one who has to get up early to see who comes in late. Parking space: An area that vanishes as you make a U-turn. Never criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes. That way, if he doesn't like what you have to say, it'll be okay because you'll be a mile away and you'll have his shoes. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ One secretary to another: "I know why you're so popular." "Why?" asked the other. "Is it my figure?" "No." "Is it my smile?" "No." "Is it my personality?" "No." "I give up." "That's it." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ MR> Mathemeticians do it exponentially! MR> Mathmaticians do it an uncountable number of times. JG> Also, of course, Mathematicians do it with different functions. I don't know if these have been said, but here's a list of "do it's" from my tagline file: Even BOOBS just do it. Ask Bill about Paula & Gennifer. Babies do it in their diapers. Babies do it while sucking on nipples. Babysitters do it by the hour. Babysitters do it with someone elses children. Bach did it with his organ. Bailiffs always come to order. Bailiffs do it to maintain order. Bakers do it after rolling it in flour and checking for wet spots. Bakers do it after they grease it. Bakers do it and eat it too. Bakers do it and it begins to cake up after a while. Bakers do it and it gets harder with more heat. Bakers do it and knead it daily. Bakers do it and know how to make it rise. Bakers do it and the yeast makes it swell. Bakers do it because they knew you were coming. Bakers do it because they really get a rise out of it. Bakers do it because they're continually "neading" to. Bakers do it but it's just "frosting on the cake" to them. Bakers do it but like to taste it as they go. Bakers do it but you have to give them flours first. Bakers do it by sticking their finger in it. Bakers do it for the dough. Bakers do it hoping to brown it. Bakers do it if there's enough dough in it. Bakers do it if you make their breadstick. Bakers do it in continuous, even, dry heat. Bakers do it like a real dough nut. Bakers do it occasionally with fruits. Bakers do it so they can get to eat the pie. Bakers do it the French way. Bakers do it to get something started in the oven. Bakers do it until they reach the cresent. Bakers do it until they squirt the cream filling in. Bakers do it with a little buttering up. Bakers do it with a little extra sugar. Bakers knead it daily. Ballerinas do it with their toes. Ballet dancers do it on tip-toes. Ballet dancers do it with toes. Balloonists do it with a lot of hot air. Banana pickers do it in bunches. Band members do it all night. Band members do it in a parade. Band members do it in front of 100,000 people. Band members do it in public. Band members do it in sectionals. Band members do it on the football field. Bankers do it for money, but there is a penalty for early withdrawal. Bankers do it with interest. Baptists do it under water. Barbarians do it with anything. Barbers do it with Brylcreem. Barbers do it with shear pleasure. Bartenders do it on the rocks. Bartenders do it to the customers. Baseball players do it making home runs. Baseball players do it with their bats. Baseball players hit more home runs. Baseball players make it to first base. BASIC programmers do it all over the place. BASIC programmers GOTO it. Basketball players do it to score. Basketball players score more often. Bass players do it lower. Bass players do it with thump. Batman does it with Robin. Beekeepers do it with their honey. Beer brewers do it with more hops. Beer drinkers get more head. Beethoven did it apassionately. Beethoven was the first to do it with a full orchestra. Bell Labs programmers do it with UNIX. Bell-ringers pull it themselves. Bicyclists do it and keep on cranking. Bicyclists do it on their rigid tubing. Bicyclists do it sitting down, or standing up. Bicyclists do it with 18 speeds. Bicyclists do it with lots of leg pumping. Bicyclists do it with variable speeds. Bigots do it intolerably. Bill Clinton does it to America. Bingo callers do it with 75 balls. Biologists do it with clones. Birds do it, bees do it, even chimpanzees do it. Blind men do it by feel. Blondes do it and have more fun. Blondes do it with a thermos. Bo Jackson knows all about doing it. Boardheads do it with stiff masts. Body and Fender People do it abrasively. Body and Fender People do it after stripping it. Body and Fender People do it but they'll prime it, first. Body and Fender People do it by pulling it out and then filling it. Body and Fender People do it starting off with a thud. Body and Fender People do it to the front end or rear end. Body and Fender People do it using a dual action. Body and Fender People do it using their "slide hammer." Body and Fender People do it while wearing a respirator. Body and Fender People do it with a bump and grind. Body and Fender People do it with Bondo. Body and Fender People do it with more pounding than anybody. Body-builders do it in sets. Body-builders do it repetitively. Body-builders do it with muscle. Body-builders have to have mirrors to do it. Bookkeepers do it for the record. Bookkeepers do it with double entry. Bookworms only read about it. Bosses delegate the task to others. Bowlers do it in the alley. Bowlers do it in the gutter. Bowlers do it with 16 pound balls. Bowlers do it with a hook. Bowlers do it with bigger balls. Boxers do it sometimes with low blows. Boxers do it with fists. Boy Scouts do it in the woods. Boy Scouts do it with Brownies. Bricklayers lay them all day long. Bridge players do it with finesse. Bridge players try to get a rubber. Brownies do it with Boy Scouts. Buddhists imagine doing it. Building inspectors do it under the table. Bus drivers come early and pull out on time. Bus drivers do it in transit. Butchers do it in the ice house. Butchers do it with cold meat. Butchers have better meat. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Somewhere on this planet, every ten seconds, a woman is giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped! A boy of six, visiting the country for the first time, came running to his mother. Bubbling over with excitement, he said, "I just saw a man who makes horses." "Are you certain?" "Yup. The horse was almost done; the man was just nailing on his back feet!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ 1993-1994 Attorny Hunting Season and Bag Limits 1. Any person with a valid Texas State hunting license may harvest attorneys. 2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is, however, prohibited. All traps must have 400 pounds of spring. 3. Harvesting of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove the carcas to roadside and proceed to the nearest car wash. If you see an attorney on the highway you can hit, just don't pick him up. 4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorney from a snow machine, helicopter or aircraft. 5. It shall be unlawfull to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Scotch" for the purpose of trapping attorneys. 6. It shall be unlawfull to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of a BMW, SAAB or Mercedes dealership. 7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys. 8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of any courtroom, law library, health spa, whorehouse, gay bar, amublance or hospital. 9. Stuffed or mounted attorneys msut have a State Health Department inspection for rabies, Aids and syphillis. 10. It shall be unlawfull for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, female legal clerk, accident victim, sheep, physician, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys. 11. It shall be unlawfull to shoot an attorney in a public place. (The bullet may ricochet off the head and injure someone else.) Bag Limits Yellow bellied sidewinder 2 Two faced Tort Chaser 3 Back Stabbing divorce litigator 4 Small breasted ball buster (female only) 1 Big Mouth Puss Gut 3 Honest Attorney EXTINCT Cut Throat 2 Double dealing whiner 3 Brown nosed Judge Kisser 2 Sticky fingered Civil Libertarian NO LIMIT ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ***NEWS UPDATE*** AP Online AP 05/08 10:03 EST V055 Copyright 1995. All Rights Reserved. NEW YORK NEW YORK (AP) -- Big Bird, the famed friendly muppet of Sesame Street, has apparently gone on a rampage. Several muppets are known to be dead; including Prairie Dawn, Oscar the Grouch, and Bert -- long time friend, room-mate, and lover of Ernie. The bird is now reportedly holding Maria hostage in a five floor tenement near Hooper's Store. New York City Police SWAT teams have surrounded the building. Stay tuned for updates on this situation, as they occur. ***TRAGEDY IN NEW YORK CITY*** AP Online AP 05/08 11:48 EST V743 Copyright 1995. All Rights Reserved. NEW YORK NEW YORK (AP) -- Big Bird, Sesame Street muppet, is reported dead at this hour after an hour-and-a-half hostage standoff with New York City Police. Kermit-The-Frog, Sesame Street Muppet on the scene, reports that as police stormed the five story tenement building where the bird was holding Maria hostage, Big Bird flew out an upper story window at them in a Kamikaze-like attack. Police SWAT units brought down the bird in a hail of automatic weapons fire. Dead are: Prairie Dawn, Oscar the Grouch, Bert, and Big Bird. There is no information available concerning Maria. ***NEWS UPDATE*** AP Online AP 05/08 13:25 EST V246 Copyright 1995. All Rights Reserved. NEW YORK NEW YORK (AP) -- The Professor and his assistant, Beaker, muppet chemist, have reportedly found Angel Dust in Big Bird's feed. Big Bird was killed by Police earlier today after the bird went on a killing spree on Sesame Street. Maria, taken hostage during the ordeal, has survived unharmed. Three muppets were killed by the bird: Prairie Dawn (a friendly, pig-tailed muppet girl-child), Oscar the Grouch (a green garbage-can dwelling grumpy muppet) and Bert (the famous gay paper clip collector and pigeon friend). Authorities in the area report that the bad seed was purchased at the local Hooper's. ***NEWS UPDATE*** AP Online AP 05/08 14:03 EDT V543 Copyright 1995. All Rights Reserved. NEW YORK NEW YORK (AP) -- Police are asking all motorists and humans to stay away from Sesame Street today as tensions are running high among the muppets. Many reportedly are outraged at the tainted food supply and at how the police handled the hostage situation. According to bystanders on the scene at the time, Mr. Snuffalupagus pleaded with police to be allowed to talk Big Bird down. Instead, police stormed the building with deadly results. Ernie is said to be despondent at the loss of his good buddy Bert. ***LATEST ON THE SESAME STREET CRISIS*** AP Online AP 05/09 07:12 EST V927 Copyright 1995. All Rights Reserved. NEW YORK NEW YORK (AP) -- Violence erupted again on Sesame Street last night. As thousands of humans driving home took a sightseeing tour of the scene of Big Bird's deadly rampage, muppets became enraged. Hundreds of muppets, large and small, stalked the streets and surrounded humans in their cars. In at least one case, ten muppets pulled a motorist from his car and beat him with large, Styrofoam numbers. Police again arrived on the scene in force. At this hour, quiet is restored -- but tensions are very high. ***NEWS UPDATE*** AP Online AP 05/09 08:43 EST V211 Copyright 1993. All Rights Reserved. NEW YORK NEW YORK (AP) -- Police and fire units have been called to Sesame Street. Reporters on the scene describe a nightmarish atmosphere. Furry muppets ranging in size from only inches to seven feet in height are looting Hooper's Store and firebombing the entire neighborhood. Orange and blue firelight is rising over many buildings. Cardboard backdrops, props, and storehouses full of numbers and letters are burning to the ground. Muppets are taunting firemen and police from windows high above the street with counting and alphabet songs. ***LATE BREAKING NEWS UPDATE*** AP Online AP 05/10 07:06 EST V482 Copyright 1993. All Rights Reserved. NEW YORK NEW YORK (AP) -- The morning fog has brought an eerie calm to Sesame Street after a night of rioting. Smoke rises from most buildings. On the street, lifeless, crumpled fur lies in mute testament of the night of wild outrage. Unknown numbers of muppets have died or been shot to death by Police in full riot gear. Here and there, a muppet--still animated with life--can be seen staring at the wreckage, or sweeping vacantly at the rubble. The Count was reported running down the street crying and yelling, "Ten, Ten Lifeless Muppet Bodies!" No humans were killed in the rioting, although several people reported rug-burns. ***NEWS FLASH*** AP Online AP 05/11 11:35 EST V335 Copyright 1993. All Rights Reserved. NEW YORK NEW YORK (AP) -- Ernie, gay friend and roommate of the murdered muppet Bert, broke his two day silence today with a eulogy address at a mass muppet funeral. The following is the complete transcript of his address: I come here today to honor a man I loved. A man who was loved by millions throughout the world. Bert was a giant among muppets. His paper-clip collection was viewed with awe by many of the world's leaders. Just one year ago, as President Clinton campaigned on Sesame Street for the muppet vote, it was Bert who everyone turned to for advice. It was Bert who told us all, "anyone who can hang as many paper clips together as Bill Clinton, can certainly run the country." I also come here today to honor Big Bird. Bird was such a loving creature. His large size and bright color alarmed many who first met him, but it was his innocent and curious nature which taught us all to love him. Bird wouldn't have wanted us to remember him, or to memorialize him, with violence. All he ever wanted was for all creatures to "just get along" with each other. Big Bird has come to a bad end, friends, but is wasn't his fault. It was just some bad seed. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ RULES FOR BANK ROBBERS According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing article titles "How Not to Rob a Bank," by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac. Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed: 1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Ca., who tried to hold up a bank That was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway. She turned him in. 2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived. 3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number. 4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he showed them his "weapon." 5 . Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Ca., gave a teller a note saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left. 6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves. 7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida, who took a wrong turn, and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money. 8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass. 9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains...Clark points out...not to mention severe burns in sensitive places, as bandits in San Diego and Boston painfully discovered. 10. Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. In view of such ineptitude, it is not surprising that in 1978 and 1979, for example, federal and state officers made arrests in 69 percent of the bank holdups reported. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A Blonde walks into a restaurant, sits at a table and reads (Yes she went to Kindergarten) the menu. When the Waitress came to take her order the Blonde pointed to the Waitress's left breast and read her name tage aloud "Hmmm.... Debbie.... What do you call the other one?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ These are from the New York magazine competition where they asked competitors to change one letter in a familiar non-English phrase and redefine it. Harlez-vous francais? (Can you drive a French motorcycle?) Ex post fucto (Lost in the mail) Idios amigos (We're wild and crazy guys!) Veni, VIPi, Vici (I came; I'm a very important person; I conquered) J'y suis, J'y pestes (I can stay for the weekend) Cogito Eggo sum (I think; therefore, I am a waffle) Rigor Morris (The cat is dead) Respondez s'il vous plaid (Honk if you're Scots) Que sera, serf (Life is feudal) Le roi est mort. Jive le roi (The King is dead. No kidding.) Posh mortem (Death styles of the rich and famous) Pro Bozo publico (Support your local clown) Monage a trois (I am three years old) Felix navidad (Our cat has a boat) Haste cuisine (Fast French food) Veni, vidi, vice (I came, I saw, I partied) Quip pro quo (A fast retort) Ich liebe rich (I'm really crazy about having dough) Fui generis (What's mine is mine) VISA la France (Don't leave chateau without it) Merci rien (Thanks for nothin') ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ (Jan. 24) My head has stopped spinning now, so it's time to write another column. This one looks at what the world would be like if cats used computers. Really. If cats used computers, keys would be a lot bigger than they are today in order to accommodate their little round paws. Each keyboard would feature a little patch of rough fabric around the edges, just because it feels nice. And there would be no mice, only trackballs, please. If cats used computers, disks would come in flavors (tuna, cheeze & egg, beef), because cats love to chew on disks. Screen wipes would be odorless, because cats don't like perfume. Software would also be different if cats used computers. There would be screen savers that feature chirping birds and flying squirrels. All spreadsheet programs would ship with templates for totaling canary kills and the length of knitting yarn unraveled. Humorous start-up sound files would include a parrot voice squawking, "Time for dinner." If cats owned computers, there would be no people owning computers for cats would rule the world. Next time: If Gerbils Drove Automobiles. --John Edwards ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The 9 Types of Boyfriends Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?" Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV." Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk Advantages: Stays put; predictable Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did." Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'." Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig Lazybones - "Zzzzzz" Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict Advantages: Well rested; easy target Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams The Sneak - "Who, me?" Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt Disadvantages: May be having time of his life Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?" Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster Advantages: Perpetually aroused Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but--" Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool Advantages: Tells good stories Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus" Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?" Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction The 9 Types of Girlfriends Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have" Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly Disadvantages: May wise up someday Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??" Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell Advantages: Pays attention to you Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite" Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy Advantages: Predictable Disadvantages: Contagious The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look." Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom Advantages: Often right Disadvantages: Often right, but so what? Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?" Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey Advantages: Easily soothed Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun." Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at" Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you Disadvantages: You will have no friends Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship" Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now" Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ This was taken from "Telemanagement, The Angus Report on Communications Systems, Services, and Strategies": According to "America's Network" magazine, a Texas rancher has equipped some of his cows with beepers. They've been trained to associate the beep with feeding, so when he wants them to come to the barn, the rancher just dials the pager number. The beeper-equipped cows start heading home, and the others -- cows being cows -- just follow the leaders. That's right. You can even drive cattle on the information highway! -- Karen Kervin, Basking Ridge, N.J. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A small town newspaper came out with a headline that said NEXT WEEK WE'LL BRING YOU UP TO DATE ON ALL THE DIRT DUG UP IN TOWN. The issue was sold out before it was printed. The following week the paper's headline said FARMER SMITH FINISHES PLOWING. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ======================================================================== Copied from CN_CNET by Chris Adams (1:212/2001.5) ======================================================================== I thought you might enjoy this ... While a bit insensitive to the dearly departed it strikes most as somewhat funny. Tommy Crockett, Owner-Trainer of "Very Light" Thoroughbred Jumper And "The Rebel Prince" Arab AERC competitor, Tomydore[at]holonet.net --------------------- Forwarded message: Date: 95-05-18 13:21:40 EDT Text item: The Darwin Award is an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke (tm) machine, which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it. The following is a nominee up for the 1995 award: The Arizona (U.S.) Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road, at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The boys in the lab finally figured out what it was, and what had happened. It seems that a guy had somehow got hold of a JATO unit, (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid-fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra `push' for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert, and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed, and fired off the JATO!! Best as they could determine, he was doing somewhere between 250 and 300 mph (350-420kph) when he came to that curve.... The brakes were completely burned away, apparently from trying to slow the car. NOTE: Solid-fuel rockets don't have an 'off'... once started, they burn at full thrust 'till the fuel is all gone. Be careful out there! -- Steve Talley * RM 1.3 01282 * * * "More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ "So why do you want to be a gynecologist?" "I heard there are a lot of openings." ======================== Contrary to popular men's beliefs, gynecologists do not have a wonderful job. Most of the time, by the end of the day, they're bushed. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ MICROSOFT(tm) to SUE MCDONALD'S OVER GAME REDMOND, Washington (AP)--March 28, 1995--Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates has, at their lawyers' advice, filed suit against McDonald's corporation over their new game promotion which is very similar to Parker Brothers Monopoly game. Microsoft, which has been termed the #1 giant in the computer software and hardware industry, claims that it has sole rights to all Monopolies. "This right has clearly been demonstrated time and time again when our competitors tried to sue us. Fortunately most of the Judges and Lawyers paid were in full support of our schem..er plan." "These court cases mentioned above demonstrate what our constitution is based on: Microsoft Truth(tm), Microsoft Justice(tm), and the Microsoft American Way(tm)," said United States President Bill Clinton, after receiving a check and happy meal from the newly created McDonalds Jog-Thru, officially licensed from Microsoft. Not since the O.J. Simpson trial has there been so many rumors. People have said that Microsoft wants to gradually outlaw all non-electronic (i.e. board) games. This would lead to the new industry standard of only Microsoft(tm) based games made available exclusively for the Microsoft(tm) operating systems. As Bill Gates is quoted, "We cannot confirm or deny the rumors, but figure it out for yourself. It doesn't take a computer genious to realize we're the BIGGEST Monopoly ever created." Bill Newkom, Microsoft's Senior Vice President of Law and Corporate Affairs, told the press that "McDonalds stole our idea." This realization had come to Bill Gates while he was eating a supersized extra value meal." Gates saved a game board with french fries and returned to Microsoft's main corporate headquarters. There he devised a game of his own, which looks suspiciously close to the McDonalds version of the board game Monopoly. "We can assure the public that our game is completely new idea. Although we have been playing games with our customers for several years now, we are finally letting them have fun too. Many aspects of the game are different now, some changes are as follows. The game pieces will be the Bob(tm) dog, a Microsoft(tm) mouse, a NaturalTouch(tm) keyboard, and a trackball. This is making some bored Bob(tm) software users happy. We have recognized the need to remove jail from the consumer end of the game Monopoly. Companies such as McDonalds (who tried to steal our Monopoly idea) are the ones who belong in jail. In the Chance and Community Chest card banks, there will be such cards as 'Take a ride with Windows 95 Beta.' Whenever players pass GO, noted Newkom, they must mail a check for $200.00 to Microsoft. In lieu of paying this royalty players may purchase Microsoft Windows 95 which is effectively throwing away their money anyways. This game is scheduled to begin on January 1st 1995 nearly 4 months before McDonald's game. As with all Microsoft products, the game will be delayed until further notice. Look for your free Microsoft(tm) Monopoly game pieces wherever Windows 95 is sold. Game expires in 1996 or whenever Windows 95 is installed and crashing each and every computer system worldwide. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX -------------------- 1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. 2. Nothing improves with age. 3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again. 4. Sex has no calories. 5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. 6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex. 7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. 8. No sex with anyone in the same office. 9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last. 10. A man in the house is worth two in the street. 11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. 12. Virginity can be cured. 13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him. 14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later. 16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right. 17. It is always the wrong time of month. 18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms. 19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. 20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. 21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure. 22. The younger the better. 23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. 24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden. 25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. 27. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs. 28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it. 29. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught. 30. Love is a hole in the heart. 31. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon. 32. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics. 33. Do it only with the best. 34. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning. 35. One good turn gets most of the blankets. 36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women. 37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. 38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. 39. Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood. 40. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you. 41. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song. 42. Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested. 43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't. 44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. 45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked. 46. Never say no. 47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her. 48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps. 49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone. 50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog. 51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride. 52. Love comes in spurts. 53. The world does not revolve on an axis. 54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant. 55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking. 56. Don't do it if you can't keep it up. 57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love. 58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight. 59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. 60. "This won't hurt, I promise." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Teeny-Bopper Red Hot Hey man, there was this chick called Teeny-Bopper Red Hot, and Teeny-Bopper Red Hot's ol' lady tuned her, "Don't check me skeef, Teeny-Bopper Red Hot, take a satchel pumped with purple hearts to Grandma's pad." Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Cool Cat Wolf was breezing through the woods, "Like, wow, Teeny-Bopper Red Hot, where ya going like a Boeing with that satchel full of groovy grub?" "I'm hipping my way to Grandma's pad," Teeny-Bopper Red Hot tuned him. "Safe like a skyf, I'll check ya 'round," tuned the wolf, sending it into the forest. So Cool Cat Wolf jooled off in tune with the moon to Grandma's den, locked her in the cupboard and tuned her, "Stay cool, Fossil!" Teeny-Bopper Red Hot grooved to Grandma's den, and chaffed Cool Cat, "Grandma, I crave your bod, like your peepers are only brute." "All the better to check you with." "Like your flappers are only smooth." "All the better to sound you with." "Like you snappers are only sharp." "Baby doll, cute chick, all the better to graze you with!" The end... ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A fellow goes to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist says, "You're crazy." The guy says, "I want a second opinion." The psychiatrist answers, "You're ugly too!" What did the worm say to the caterpiller ???????? Who did you fuck to get that fur coat? ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ As Franz Kafka awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed into a raging bull elephant. He charged around his room with his trunk sticking straight up making loud trumpeting noises. The picture of the lady in furs came crashing down, the vase of anemones tipped over. Suddenly afraid that his family might discover him, Franz stuck his enormous head out of the window overlooking the courtyard. But it was too late. His parents and sisters had already been awakened by the racket, and rushed into his room. All of them gasped simultaneously as they stared at the great bulk of Franz's rump. Then Franz pulled his head and turned toward them, looking sheepish. Finally, after an awkward couple of minutes in which no one spoke, Franz's mother went over and rested her cheek against his trunk and said, "Are you ill, dear?" Franz let loose a bloodcurdling blast, and his mother slipped to the floor. Franz's father was about to help her but noticed the anemones tipped over on the table. He picked them up and threw them out the window, saying, "With Franz like this, who needs anemones?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ HACKER BARBIE (LA, California) Mattel announces their new line of Barbie products, the "Hacker Barbie." These new dolls will be released next month. The aim of these dolls is to negate the stereotype that women are numerophobic, computer-illiterate, and academically challenged. This new line of Barbie dolls comes equipped with Barbie's very own X-terminal and UNIX documentation as well as ORA's "In a Nutshell" series. The Barbie clothing includes a dirty button-up shirt and a pair of well-worn jeans. Accessories include a Casio all-purpose watch, and glasses with lenses thick enough to set ants on fire. (Pocket protectors and HP calculators optional.) The new Barbie has the incredible ability to stare at the screen without blinking her eyes and to go without eating or drinking for 16 hours straight. Her vocabulary mainly consists of technical terms such as "What's you're Internet address?", "I like TCP/IP!", "Bummer! Your kernel must have gotten trashed," "Can't you grep that file?", and "DEC's Alpha AXP is awesome!" "We are very excited about this product," said Ken Olsen, Marketing Executive, "and we hope that the Hacker Barbie will offset the damage incurred by the mathophobic Barbie." (A year ago, Mattel released Barbie dolls that say, "Math is hard," with a condescending companion Ken.) The Hacker Barbie's Ken is an incompetent management consultant who frequently asks Barbie for help. The leading feminists are equally excited about this new line of Barbie dolls. Naomi Falodji says, "I believe that these new dolls will finally terminate the notion that womyn are inherently inferior when it comes to mathematics and the sciences. However, I feel that Ken's hierarchical superiority would simply reinforce the patriarchy and oppress the masses." Mattel made no comment. Parents, however, are worried that they will fall behind the children technologically when the Hacker Barbie comes out. "My daughter Jenny plays with the prototype Hacker Barbie for two days," says Mrs. Mary Carlson of rural Oxford, Mississippi, "and now she pays my credit card bill online. Got no idea how she does it, but she surely does it. I just don't wanna be looked upon as some dumb mama." Mattel will be offering free training courses for those who purchase the Hacker Barbie. The future Hacker Barbie will include several variations to deal with the complex aspects of Barbie. "Hacker Barbie Goes to Jail" will teach computer ethics to youngsters, while "BARBIE RITES L1KE BIFF!!!" will serve as an introduction to expository writing. * Qwkit 1.0b * 4 out of 5 people think the fifth is an idiot. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Now that English has become the universal language it is constantly being used in new and creative ways around the world, as can be seen by the following... In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing please do not read this notice. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During the time we regret that you will be unbearable. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order. In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk. In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 AM daily. In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion. Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. In a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results. Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking. In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is a big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for the purpose. In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest methodists. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass? In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A magician is performing his act at an outdoor festival and a kid in the front can't stop bothering him. "How did you do that?" "I'll volunteer!" "Do another one" and so on........ the guy finishes his act and is back stage when the kid arrives. "Please mister , show me how to do a trick please!!" The magician says"O.K.....Bend over" so the kid bends over"Now I'm gonna stick my thumb up your butt and you tell me if you can feel it" Kid"O.K>>>>>I CAN FEEL IT>>>I CAN FEEL IT. " The magician reaches his arms around the kid and with both thumbs in face says"TA-DA!!!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Rap's Law of Inanimate Reproduction: If you take something apart and put it back together enough times, eventually you will have two of them. Phillips' Law: Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places. First Law of Employee Benefits: The illness you come down with is the one ailment your group insurance doesn't cover. Felson's Law: To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ On Men and Women On the subject of men: I've been a member of the gender for 40 years. I've stumbled through many of the stages of becoming a man, including wildly irregular voice changes at the age of 12, acne attacks in my teens, major crushes on girls who still do not know I am alive and periods of time when I knocked over or broke everything in sight because I had grown seven inches in four days. Regarding women: You could take what I know about women and place this information in a hollowed-out walnut shell, and still have room left for a network executive's brain. But that has not stopped me from observing, questioning, applauding, admiring, and wondering about women. One basic truth: Men and women are different. Now, this may seem a little simplistic, but the fact is, for a period about six months in 1973, it was very fashionable to believe that we were all persons first, and members of our gender second. This, of course, was so much hooey. Men are different -- in our habits, and in the way we react to environmental stimuli and the way we spend our leisure time; and we are especially different when it comes to our attitudes regarding relationships. My personal observations have uncovered many significant differences between men and women. Relationships First of all, a man does not call a relationship "a relationship." He refers to it as a romance, or a period of dating, of going out, or, in some unfortunate circumstances, "that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semi-regular basis." When a relationship ends, a woman will cry, and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men are Idiots." Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. For six months, his ex may not hear from him, but then, at three on Saturday night/Sunday morning, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want to let you know there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call. Ninety-nine percent of all men past the age of 21 have made this call at least once. Some men make a career of these calls. There are community colleges that offer extension courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective. Sex Women prefer 30 to 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 to 45 seconds of foreplay. For the man, driving back to her place is considered a part of foreplay. Maturity Women mature at a much faster rate than men. Most 17 year old females can function as adults. Most 17 year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work. Hats Women look good in hats; men look like dinks. Groceries A woman knows how to shop for groceries. She makes a list of the things she needs, and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man does not shop on a frequent basis. He waits until the only items left in his refrigerator are an opened can of Schlitz and a half a lime. Then he goes grocery shopping. A man buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on the Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10 items or less lane. Magazines Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chickenscratch. Women use scented, colored stationary, and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note. Comedy Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge. The woman will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out. Bathrooms A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, a razor, a bar of Dial soap and a towel from a Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical American women's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. Going Out When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she will be ready, as soon as she finds her other earring, makes one phone call and finishes putting on her makeup. Cats Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. Shoes When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip into Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day. Leg Warmers Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in A Chorus Line. Mirrors Men are vain; they will knock themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface, mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, or Joe Garagiola's head. Menopause When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche. The Telephone Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours. Children Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in his house. Low Blows Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television. One of the figures is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh gee, that must hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels the pain. Directions If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store." Admitting Mistakes Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer. Richard Gere Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women. Dressing Up A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals. Nicknames With the exception of female body builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle. But if Mike, Dirk, Clint, and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to one another as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain, and Useless. Little boys Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate. Plants A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens. Mustaches Some men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches. David Letterman Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semidorky guy who always has a bad haircut. Cameras Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always end up taking better pictures. Locker Rooms In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women, They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room --sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie. Laundry Women do the laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were really hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatsuit inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of dirty clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat, but this is only a myth perpetuated by old reruns of Love American Style. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ALICE IN UNIX LAND Alice was reading the message on her monitor and beginning to suspect that everything was not as it should be. "Program too big to fit in memory," it read. "Curiouser and curiouser," she said, "All I did was load fourteen TSRs before starting my word processor. With four megabytes, I wish I could use more than 640K." "At that moment, a small white consultant ( a very white consultant) ran across the room. "Oh my coat and necktie," he said, "I'm going to be late for my appointment. And at one fifty an hour, too." Before Alice could say anything, he leaped into her monitor and disappeared behind her operating system. Alice thought that she had never seen anyone leap into a monitor before; and certainly not go clean through the operating system. But then, she had been told that DOS was very shallow. Without hesitating a moment, she leaped in after him. She found herself in a shiny corridor. Not knowing what else to do, she began walking. Turning a corner, she found herself facing two fat little men, each with an arm round the other's neck. One had "POS" embroidered on his collar, and the "NEG". "I know," said Alice, "you two are a transistor." "Yes," said Positive. "Can you help me? asked Alice. "No," said Negative. "I'm looking for a white consultant." Alice pointed in the direction she had been walking. "Did he go this way?" she asked. "No," said Negative. She pointed the other way. "Yes," said Positive. Soon Alice came upon a large brown table. The Consultant was there, as was an apparently Mad Hacker, and several creatures that Alice did not recognize. In one corner sat a Dormouse fast asleep. Over the table was a large sign that read "UNIX Conference." Everyone except the Dormouse was holding a paper cup, from which they were sampling what appeared to be custard. "Wrong flavor," they all declared as they passed the cup the cup to the creature on their right and graciously took the one being offered on their left. Alice watched them repeat this ritual three or four times before she approached and sat down. Immediately, a large toad leaped into her lap and looked at her as if it wanted to be loved. "Grep," it exclaimed. "Don't mind him," explained the Mad Hacker. "He's just looking for some string." "Nroff?" asked the Frog. The Mad Hacker handed Alice a cup of custard-like substance and a spoon. "Here," he said, "what do you think of this?" "It looks lovely," said Alice, "very sweet." She tried a spoonful. "Yuck!" she cried. "It's awful. What is it?" "Oh just another graphic interface for UNIX," answered the Hacker. Alice pointed to the sleeping Dormouse. "Who's he?" she asked. "That's OS Too," explained the Hacker. "We've pretty much given up on waking him. "Just than, a large, Blue Elephant sitting next to the Dormouse stood up. "Ladies and gentlemen," he trumpeted pompously, "as the largest creature here, I feel impelled to state that we must take an Open Look at..." A young Job Sparrow on the other side of the table stood up angrily. The Elephant noticed and changed his speech accordingly." ...what our NextStep will be. "Half the creatures bowed in respect while the other half snickered quietly to themselves. Just then, OS Too fell over in his sleep, crashing into the Elephant and taking him down with him. No one seemed a bit surprised. "What we need," declared a Sun Bear as he lapped up custard with his long tongue," is a flavor that goes down like the Macintosh. "Suddenly, the White Consultant began jumping up and down as his face got red. "No, no, no! he screamed. "No one pays one fifty an hour to Macintosh consultants!" "Awk," said the Frog. "Users," explained the Sun Bear, "want an easy interface that they will not have to learn." "Users?" cried the Consultant in disbelief. "Users?! You mean secretaries, accountants, architects. Manual laborers!" "Well," responded the Sun Bear, "we've got to do something to make them want to switch to UNIX." "Do you think," said a Woodpecker who had been busy making a hole in the table, "that there might be a problem with the name `UNIX?' I mean, it does sort of suggest being less than a man." "Maybe we should try another name, " suggested the Job Sparrow, "like Brut, or Rambo." "Penix," suggested a Penguin. "Mount," said the Frog, "spawn." Alice slapped him. "Nice?" he asked. "But then again," suggested the Woodpecker, "what about the shrink wrap issue?" Suddenly, everyone leaped up and started dashing about, waving their hands in the air and screaming. Just as suddenly, they all sat down again. "Now that that's settled," said the Woodpecker, "let's go back to tasting flavors." Everyone at the table sampled a new cup of custard. "Wrong flavor," they all declared as they passed the cup to the creature on their right and took the one being offered on their left. Totally confused, Alice got up and left. After she had been walking away, she heard a familiar voice behind her. "Rem," it said, "edlin." Alice turned and saw the Frog. She smiled. "Those are queer sounding words," she said, "but at least I know what they mean." "Chkdsk," said the Frog. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A wealthy dowager was shopping in the produce department at the local supermarket and much to her embarrassment found herself becoming very aroused handling the Zucchini and Cucumber. The more she handled them while selecting those she wanted to keep...the shorter her breaths became and she felt "the warmth" spreading further throughout her body. As she was leaving the check stand she asked the cashier if a bag boy could carry her groceries out for her...As she and the bag boy entered the parking lot, she dared nudge him every so slightly...arousing her even more so, past containment... Nudging him again she say to the bag boy..."I have an itchy pussy!" He stands there for a few seconds and finally tells her "Lady, You'll have to point it out for me...all those Japanese imports look all the same to me!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ALTHOUGH there is ample room for doubt, a student of motion-picture history says he has traced the origin of a famous Warner Bros. movie cry to, of all places, Disneyland. When the park first opened, he asserts, Walt Disney had an apartment over its fire station with windows that opened above the dock where the park's supplies were delivered. Every morning, the story goes, the crew on the dock had to wait until Disney awakened before they could start work. So as soon as Disney was up, his secretary would call out the window, "Walt's up, dock!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ I drive a city bus for a living. One day in the drivers room another driver was telling me of something that happened on his bus when he drive in Canada. He said,"This lady gets on my bus with two bags of groceries, says she has to get her pass out. I told her why can't she have it ready when she gets on and she said she'll get it out and for me not to worry about it. She sets the two bags of groceries on the ground, pulls out her pass from her fanny pack, shows it to me puts it back in and then bends over to pick up her groceries. When she picks up the tow bags the bottom breams and oranges hit the floor going everywhere. She bends over to start picking them up, farts, so I said That's it lady, if you can't pick 'em up, shoot at 'em. I got three days off for that." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ There was a couple who where married for eleven years. The husband insisted that the lights be turned out every time they made love. Finally the wife, while in the middle of fucking, turned on the lights. To her surprise the husband held a dildo in his hand. Shocked she asked "Have you been using that for all of these years?" His reply was: "Yes, now let's talk about our two children" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ OFF THE WIRE News We Just Couldn't Pass Up An Albany, N.Y., appeals court ruled that a judge was wrong to find a witness in a murder trial in contempt for wearing a shirt that read, "If (expletive) could fly, this place would be an airport." One in 10 British men wear the same underpants two or three days running and one in 100 wears the same pair all week, according to a survay just published. A 35-year-old New York woman dropped her gown -- leaving her naked except for her leather boots -- before reading the poem "Love Is a Challenge" at a ceremony where she received her high school equivalency diploma. An Iowa economist proposed a novel solution to a problem posed by large hog lots: an odor tax. Revenues could be paid to nearby landowners for putting up with the stench. An owl in the southern Chinese province of Jiangxi likes television so much it built a nest in the farmer's house so it can watch the TV every night. Compiled by Ivan Weiss, From The Seattle Times, Saturday, July 1, 1995. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Ground crews and fliers at an American airfield in China liked the kindly Chinese who served them, but found some difficulty in pronouncing their names. This they settled by providing their own names -- such as Woo Ping and So Long. A particular favorite they dubbed, simply, Sneeze. But "Sneeze," knowing a little English, felt he was being ribbed. He finally got so worked up about it that he asked the Colonel to please make the men call him by his right name. The Colonel assured him that he would write out such an order at once. "And," asked the Colonel, "What is your right name?" "Ah Choo," was the reply. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Town is so small...people read the weekly paper to see if the editor got the news correct. ...biggest industry is jury duty. ...largest industry is a stocky Avon lady. ...it is only there four days a week. ...it only has one yellow page. ...it couldn't afford a civic club. ...any person could tear the phone book in half. ...has only one massage parlor--self service. ...it only has one newspaper and people passed it around. ...there is no hospital, just a first-aid kit. ...the sidewalk is a brick! ...the street light is a candle! ...the fire department is a Great Dane! ...the school only has two grades! ...the "Welcome" & "Come Again" signs were on the same post! ...they share a horse with the next town! (one-horse town) Town is so dull ...the nightlife is over before dark. ...the only excitement is waiting for the newest flavor at the ice cream parlor. ...Folks receive mail addressed to their first name. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A Dutch visitor was explaining to an American how he saw the red, white, and blue of the Netherland flag. "To me," he said, "our flag symbolizes our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we see our tax bills, and blue after they have been paid." "I know what you mean," the American said. "It's the same here, only we also see stars." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Seen on T-shirt, author unknown: (use your imagination on the graphics. Picture the Olympic event symbols): LA Riot Triathalon o o o |-- /---\ -/- | [] | [] /\ / \ / \ / / Shoot Loot Scoot ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ My move from the Netherlands to the U.K. presented me with quite a few new situations. However, when I thought I'd seen it all I received a reminder to renew my TV licence on which it said that if you are Registered Blind you can pay 1.25 pound less. (Mind you, on a 84 pounds bill I'm not sure whether this deduction should be seen as a bonus?!) ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ True story (original)... I once oversaw the management of a small downtown office building in Phoenix which was leased in part to a major regional bank. The bank kept complaining of scorpions in the building. Desert scorpions are small critters with a nasty sting, much like a bee sting. And, the bank's secretaries would sit on the floor to go through bottom file drawers and sometimes would get stung on the behind. So the building manager called the pest control company and they sprayed the building. Still got complaints. Sprayed again. Still complaints. Clearly another strategy was needed. The pest control contractor pointed out that scorpions are unusual in downtown Phoenix and there were no complaints from other tenants on other floors of the building. He and the building manager concluded that the bank itself was bringing the scorpions into the building from their record center warehouse out in the desert. They alerted the bank to this source of the problem, but the bank refused to take any counter measures and continued to complain that it was a building problem. After several more sprayings, we started to get concerned about the risks of putting more insecticide into the building. Our pest control contractor was adamant that sprayings would do no good if scorpions kept being reintroduced into the building with each delivery to the bank from its records warehouse. So I asked the pest control contractor and the building manager to look into the possiblity of environmentally safer biological controls such as natural enemies of the scorpion. A few days later I received a copy of a memorandum from the building manager to the bank facilities department. He had also posted a copy of this memo on the bank employees' bulletin board: "Building management recognizes recent employee complaints of scorpions in the bank's records management areas. We have attempted to use pesticides but fear that increasing the level of pesticide could pose a health risk for some employees. "Because scorpions are native to our desert country and appear to be entering the building in the storage boxes delivered from the bank's desert warehouse, we have researched safer natural biological controls such as those which keep scorpions in check in their desert environment. We have found that scorpions have only one natural enemy. "Should there be any further complaints from the bank or its employees on this matter, building management will be pleased to introduce rattlesnakes into the records management areas." We had no more complaints. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ [Note - more submissions for the Hugh Grant one-liner file - ed.] ----- In the wake of Hugh Grant's automotive adventure: Sunday's San Francisco Examiner ran a front-page article, complete with a color photo of Stella Marie Thompson, a.k.a. Divine Brown, entitled Grant's hooker is from Bay Area Star's 'car date' reportedly got big bucks for interview I wonder if the editors thought they were running a "local girl makes good" story? ----- Hugh Grant has announced that his costar in his next movie will be Pee Wee Herman. ----- Q. What's Hugh Grant's favourite drink? A. Horlicks. ----- Reporting this story, the UK Guardian newspaper finished, ostensibly unintentionally, with the comment "Mr Grant is unavailable for comment. He is just hoping that it will all blow over." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ This morning, the local paper had a photo of the American astronauts presenting the Russian Cosmonauts a Houston Rockets T-Shirt. I can just hear the Cosmonauts when they get home: "I spent four months in space, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The Top Ten Lies Told by Graduate Students (taken from the Harvard Crimson) 10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street. 9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article. 8. My work has a lot of practical importance. 7. I would never date an undergraduate. 6. Your latest article was so inspiring. 5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here. 4. I just have one more book to read and then I'll start writing. 3. The department is giving me so much support. 2. My job prospects look really good. 1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years. Top Five Lies Told by Teaching Fellows: 5. I'm not going to grant any extensions. 4. Call me any time. I'm always available. 3. It doesn't matter what I think; write what you believe. 2. Think of the midterm as a diagnostic tool. 1. My other section is much better prepared than you guys. You just might be a graduate student if... ...you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate. ...your carrel is better decorated than your apartment. ...you have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the progress of your own joke across the Internet. ...you are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read. ...you have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar. ...you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop. ...everything reminds you of something in your discipline. ...you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event. ...you have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while researching a single paper. ...there is a microfilm reader in the library that you consider "yours." ...you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the library. ...you look forward to summers because you're more productive without the distraction of classes. ...you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin. ...you consider all papers to be works in progress. ...professors don't really care when you turn in work anymore. ...you find the bibliographies of books more interesting than the actual text. ...you have given up trying to keep your books organized and are now just trying to keep them all in the same general area. ...you have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation. ...you reflexively start analyzing those greek letters before you realize that it's a sorority sweatshirt, not an equation. ...you find yourself explaining to children that you are in "20th grade". ...you start referring to stories like "Snow White et al." ...you frequently wonder how long you can live on pasta without getting scurvy ...you look forward to taking some time off to do laundry ...you have more photocopy cards than credit cards ...you wonder if APA style allows you to cite talking to yourself as "personal communication" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ "I think it's pretty obvious that this war is no pleasure for me. For five years I have been separated from the rest of the world. I haven't been to the theatre, I haven't heard a concert, and I haven't seen a movie." --A. Hitler Source: A CERTAIN WORLD. by W. H. Auden ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ