ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ÛÛ» ÛÛ» ÛÛÛ» ÛÛÛ» ÛÛÛÛÛ» ÛÛ» ÛÛ» ÛÛ» ÛÛÛÛÛÛ» ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛÛÛ» ÛÛÛÛº ÛÛÉÍÍÛÛ» ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛÛº ÛÛÉÍÛÛÛÛ» ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛº ÛÛÛÛÛ» ÛÛÉÛÛÛÛÉÛÛº ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛº ÈÛÛº ÛÛºÛÛÉÛÛº ÛÛÉÍÍÛÛº ÈÍÍÍͼ ÛÛºÈÛÛɼÛÛº ÛÛÉÍÍÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛÛÛɼÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛº Èͼ ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ» ÛÛº ÈÛÛÛÛÛÛɼ Èͼ Èͼ Èͼ Èͼ Èͼ Èͼ Èͼ ÈÍÍÍÍÍͼ Èͼ ÈÍÍÍÍͼ Here goes, Volume 10 in the excellent H-MAIL joke library collection... (Cheers! Clap-clap!) Don't credit me for putting this together, all credit is due to the authors of these jokes and, of course, those who bothered to share them with us by posting them in the first place. Browsing through this lot as I write this load of editorial waffle I can predict a good issue. Enjoy! [Standard advert] All H-MAIL?? joke archives are kept and maintained at ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ³ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ ³ ³ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ ³ ³ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ ³ ³ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ ³ ³ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ ³ ³ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ ³ ³ ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ³ ³ The HMVH Corporation ³ ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ Bulletin Board System [+27 11] (011) 941-1341 USR V.34/V.fc (24 Hours) ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Norm Quotes (Norman Peterson was a character in a very popular TV series called Cheers. The series is no longer in production, but it will live on in reruns.) "Can I draw you a beer, Norm?" "No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one." "How about a beer, Norm?" "Hey I'm high on life, Coach.... Of course, beer is my life." "How's a beer sound, Norm?" "I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in." "What's up, Norm?" "Corners of my mouth, Coach." "What's shaking, Norm?" "All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach." "Beer, Normie?" "Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week. Eh, why not, I'm still young." "Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?" "With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe." "What's up, Normie?" "The temperature under my collar, Coach." "What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?" "Going down?" "What's up, Norm?" "Everything that's supposed to be." Norm comes in, depressed. He just stands by the door with a sullen face. "[mutters] Afternoon, everybody." "Norm? (Norman?)" "What's new, Normie?" "Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach. They're demanding beer." "What'll it be, Normie?" "Just the usual Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel." "What would you say to a beer, Normie?" "Daddy wuvs you." "What'd you like, Normie?" "A reason to live. Gimmie another beer." "Afternoon, everybody." "Norm!" "Afternoon, everybody." "[silence]" "What will you have, Norm?" "Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap." "Oh, looks like beer, Norm." "Call me Mister Lucky." "What do you say, Norm?" "Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer." "What do you say to a beer, Normie?" "Hi ya, sailor. New in town?" "[coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody." "Norm! (Norman!)" "Still pouring, Norm?" "That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing." "What's the good word, Norm?" "Plop, plop, fizz, fizz." "Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer..." "Yeah, yeah, yeah..." "One heartburn cocktail coming up." "Whaddya say, Norm?" "Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes." "What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?" "Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer." "Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?" "Like a baby treats a diaper." "Hey, everybody." "[silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich]" "[carries on both sides of the conversation himself]" "Norm! (Norman.)" "How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson?" "Rich and thirsty. Pour me a beer." "[the bar is completely different, since Sam went sailing around the world and sold the bar]" "Hey, everybody." "Norm! [nobody else in the bar says anything]" "That's it, I'm leaving." "[comes in, pretending to be Joe Average customer, as part of operation Wayne Down the Dwain]" "Norm! (customer)" "[quietly] Not now!" "Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?" "No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass." "How's life treating you?" "It's not, Sammy, but you can!" "Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?" "A little early, isn't it Woody?" "For a beer?" "No, for stupid questions." "What's the story, Mr. Peterson?" "The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending." "Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you." "I know, and if she calls, I'm not here." "Beer, Norm?" "Have I gotten that predictable? Good." "What's going on, Mr. Peterson?" "A flashing sign in my gut that says, `Insert beer here.'" "Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?" "Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?" "What's going on, Mr. Peterson?" "Another layer for the winter, Wood." "Whatcha up to Norm? (said by Sam)" "My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall." "How's it going, Mr. Peterson?" "Poor." "I'm sorry to hear that." "No, I mean pour." "How's life treating you, Norm?" "Like it caught me sleeping with its wife." "Women. Can't live with 'em, pass the beer nuts." "What's going down, Normie?" "My butt cheeks on that bar stool." "How's life in the fast lane?" "Dunno, can't get on the on-ramp." "Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?" "Alright, but stop me at one.... make that one-thirty." "How's it going Mr. Peterson?" "It's a dog eat dog world, Woody, and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear!" "What's the story, Norm?" "Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer." "How about a beer, Norm?" "That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard good things about it!" "What's going on, Mr. Peterson?" "The question is what's going in Mr. Peterson? A beer please, Woody." "What's up, Normie?" "My nipples, it's freezing out there." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Traffic school hired a professional comedian to instruct how not to getting a ticket for running a stop sign: Many people get pulled over for running a stop sign because they don't correctly interpret the letters S-T-O-P when they see them. In order to prevent any further confusion over this matter, this is what the letters mean. When approaching the intersection, they stand for "Slow To Observe Police." ^ ^ ^ ^ Then, "Slightly Tap Other Pedal." ^ ^ ^ ^ Finally, when it's time to go, "Skid Tires On Pavement." ^ ^ ^ ^ ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The father was doubtful of his son's sudden interest to become Charles Atlas. Nevertheless he went with the teenager to the weight-lifting department. "Please, Dad," begged the boy, "I promise I'll use them every day...." "I'm not so sure, Danny. You may loose interest in the equipment," his father was quick to point out. "Ahhhh please, Dad?" "Besides, it's quite an expense," the father added. "I promise, Dad, I'll use them...." Danny finally won, and his Dad paid for the equipment. As the father was leaving the department, he heard his son call out..."What! You mean I have to carry this stuff to the car?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ VADA VE GONNA DO ??? Voolvorth store, I got complaint About one can of ten-cent paint My vife, she buy in your damn store an now, by crype, I plenty sore !! You see, last veek the spring she come an everything vas on the hum. Der walls und floor, der vindows too, she's dirty like hell I'm tella you. My vife, she's clean an mighty neat so she buy paint for toilet seat. An one whole veek ve vatch vith eye, but got damn paint she no get dry. I say to vife, it serve you right! to try to be so money tight. Dat ten-cent paint, she no damn good she vont get dry on dat damn wood. My daughter, she get ring around vhen on toilet seat she sit down. For one hole veek ve stand and vait und now we all got contispate. Voolworth, we know not vhat to do ! You got to eat, und some go through. When pains come on, I almost faint und squirm and cuss dot got damn paint My vife got sister named Marie she live all time in house with me. You know how sex raise lovely head I sneak sometimes in Marie's bed. Last night, I look where she sit down und there she got the ring around. Und now from dat hot tailed Marie I got white ring on front of me. I try to vipe vith turpentine, I howl like volf, und lose my mind. I'm scared to death both night und day, from vife there vill be hell to pay. Now Mr. Voolworth, I aksa you just vhat der hell ve gonna do ?? How can our home be nice and neat, if your %@#$* paint no dry on toilet seat. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ An F-4 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The F-4 called the B-52 crew and told them that, "Anything you can do, I can do better." Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot replied that he would rise to the challenge. The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however. Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?" "We just shut down two engines." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Why do men like love at first sight? It saves them a lot of time. A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children. How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed. What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it. Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts. Why don't men have mid-life crises? They stay stuck in adolescence. How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one. How was Colonel Sanders a typical male? All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs. How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns don't talk. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift? Exchange him. Why do bachelors like smart women? Opposites attract. Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. Men will screw anything! What's a man's idea of foreplay? A half hour of begging. How can you tell if a man is sexually excited? He's breathing. What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature. How do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off his head. Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them. What do men and beer bottles have in common? They're both empty from the neck up. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know-it's never happened. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ REASONS WHY E-MAIL IS LIKE A PENIS: Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong. Those who don't have it may agree that it's an nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it. It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done. In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time. Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do. It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late. If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses. It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble. It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp you behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?" It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same dumb things it did before. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The following selections are from a collection by Robert Cherry. various fake Steve Wrights ----------- It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly. At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can. Horses just naturally have mohawk haircuts. Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper. These are "fake" Steve Wright sayings, by Rod Schmidt: I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year. I eat swiss cheese from the inside out. I had amnesia once or twice. I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded. When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street. If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare? I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger. You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time. There aren't enough days in the weekend. Is "tired old cliche" one? If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les. In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence. I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches. I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine. I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done. I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone. The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle. Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time. Use enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D. I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings. Wrote my own communications software in LISP. Got a phone bill for a thousand dollars. My computer keeps calling itself. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Taken from article by K M Rose in Chemical & Engineering News (of all places) May 1, 1995. Excerpts of genuine History papers from 8th grade up in the Chicago area. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies, and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people that lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three types of column - Corinthian, ironic and dorc - and built the Apocalypse. They also had myths. A myth is female moth. Queen Elizabeth was the Virgin Queen. As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah". Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo. During the Renaissance, America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pina, and the Santa Fe...Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Sir Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practised on an old spinster, which he kept in the attic. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the east and the sun sets in the west. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ These are from test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by junior high, high school, and college students around the world. "When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire." "H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water" "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube" "When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide" "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state" "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water." "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars." "Blood flows down one leg and up the other." "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration." "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader." "Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull." "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire." "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold." "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas." "The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u." "The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects." "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana." "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to." "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors." "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight." "A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is." "Many women belive that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception." "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa." "Germinate: To become a naturalized German." "Liter: A nest of young puppies." "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat." "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away." "Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky." "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot." "Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives." "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative." "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose." "For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops." "For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration." "For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor." "For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it." "For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead." "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium." "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat." "To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Q - How did they elect the current Pope? A - They took a Pole. Q - How can you tell a Polish coyote? A - He's the one who chews off three legs and is still caught in the trap. Q - Why are there no polish pharmacies? A - They can't figure out how to put the little bottles in the typewriter! Q - How do you sink a polish battleship? A - You put it in the water. Q - Why did the newest polish submarine sink? A - They put on the wrong kind of screen doors! Q - What do you find in a pole's nose? A - Fingerprints. Q - How do you break a pole's finger? A - Hit him in the nose- Q - Why did 18 Polacks go to the movies? A - Because the sign said "No one under 17 admitted." Q - What happened to the Polish National Library? A - Someone stole the book. Q - How far can a Pollock swim? A - That depends... how far's the bottom? Q - Why do polish neighborhoods have a low suicide rate? A - It's hard to kill yourself jumping out of a basement window. Q - Did you hear about the lazy polack? A - He married a pregnant woman. Q - Why are there no rectal thermometers in Poland? A - They cause too much brain damage. Q - How do polacks count? A - 1,2,3,another,another,another... Q - Why did the polish elevator operator lose his job? A - He forgot the route. Did you hear about the Polack who thought the Bermuda Triangle was a love affair in Florida? Q - Did you hear about the polish guy who broke his neck raking leaves? A - He fell out of the tree. Q - Did you hear about the polish guy who died drinking milk? A - The cow fell on him! Q - Did you here about the new improved polish parachutes? A - They open on impact. Q - Why did the polish jet liner crash? A - It ran out of coal. Q - How can you tell a Polock from an APE? A - The ape peels the banana before eating it. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ SHE DRIVES FOR A RELATIONSHIP. HE'S LOST IN THE TRANSMISSION By DAVE BARRY CONTRARY to what many women believe, it's fairly easy to develop a long-term stable, intimate, and mutually fulfilling relationship with a guy. Of course this guy has to be a Labrador retriever. With human guys, it's extremely difficult. This is because guys don't really grasp what women mean by the term relationship. Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that,as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?'' And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of. And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months. And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person? And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . . February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here. And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it--that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected. And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600. COMMUNICATIONS GAP And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure. And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs. And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy. And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their ... ''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud. ''What?'' says Roger, startled. ''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . . . Oh God, I feel so ... '' (She breaks down, sobbing.) ''What?'' says Roger. ''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.'' ''There's no horse?'' says Roger. ''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says. ''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer. ''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says. (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) ''Yes,'' he says. A BEFUDDLED BEAU (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) ''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says. ''What way?'' says Roger. ''That way about time,'' says Elaine. ''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.'' (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.) ''Thank you, Roger,'' she says. ''Thank you,'' says Roger. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.) IT'S ANALYSIS TIME The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either. Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: ''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?'' We're not talking about different wavelengths here. We're talking about different planets, in completely different solar systems. Elaine cannot communicate meaningfully with Roger about their relationship any more than she can meaningfully play chess with a duck. Because the sum total of Roger's thinking on this particular topic is as follows: Huh? But the point I'm trying to make is that, if you're a woman, and you want to have a successful relationship with a guy, the No. 1 tip to remember is: 1. Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship. The guy will not realize this on his own. You have to plant the idea in his brain by constantly making subtle references to it in your everyday conversation, such as: - - -- ''Roger, would you mind passing me a Sweet 'n' Low, inasmuch as we have a relationship?'' - - -- ''Wake up, Roger! There's a prowler in the den and we have a relationship! You and I do, I mean.'' - - -- ''Good News, Roger! The gynecologist says we're going to have our fourth child, which will serve as yet another indication that we have a relationship!'' - - -- ''Roger, inasmuch as this plane is crashing and we probably have only about a minute to live, I want you to know that we've had a wonderful 53 years of marriage together, which clearly constitutes a relationship.'' Never let up, women. Pound away relentlessly at this concept, and eventually it will start to penetrate the guy's brain. Some day he might even start thinking about it on his own. He'll be talking with some other guys about women, and, out of the blue, he'll say, ''Elaine and I, we have, ummm . . .We have, ahhh . . . We . . . We have this thing.'' And he will sincerely mean it. The next relationship-enhancement tip is: 2. Do not expect the guy to make a hasty commitment. By ''hasty,'' I mean, ''within your lifetime.'' Guys are extremely reluctant to make commitments. This is because they never feel ready. ''I'm sorry,'' guys are always telling women, ''but I'm just not ready to make a commitment.'' Guys are in a permanent state of nonreadiness. If guys were turkey breasts, you could put them in a 350-degree oven on July Fourth, and they still wouldn't be done in time for Thanksgiving. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ AN OLDIE Three monkeys sat in a coconut tree Discussing things as they're said to be, Said one to the others, "Now listen, you two, There's a certain rumor that can't be true. That man descended from our great race; The very idea is a blatant disgrace, No monkey ever deserted his wife, Starved her children and ruined her life. And you've never known a mother monk To leave her babies with others to bunk, Or to pass them on from one to another, Till they scarcely know which one is their mother. And another thing you'll never see: A monk build a fence 'round a coconut tree And let the coconuts go to waste, Forbidding all other monkeys a taste. And here's a thing a monkey won't do, Go out at night and get on a stew, Or use a gun or a club or a knife, To take another monkey's life. Yes, man descended... the ornery cuss; But brother, he didn't descend from us! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Q: Why do newborn babies cry when you stick pins in them? A: Because they're too little to swear! Q: What night club do neurosurgeons prefer? A: Seizures Palace Q: What is a French surgeon's specialty? A: GAUL stones Q: What is the hardest thing for a Gutfolian surgeon to remove? A: His underwear. Q: What do you call a staff of big ugly hairy tough tattooed nurses who drive motorized wheel chairs? A: Hell's Angels of Mercy Q: What do hospitals do with all the dead people named Ray? A: They put them in the ex-ray room. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A hunter was walking through the woods when he met an old woman sitting on a tree stump totally nekkid. The shriveled old hag says "I am a witch, and if you can bring me to orgasm, I will grant you three wishes." So the hunter strips down and mounts the old hag, and after a few minutes he says "At your age, I can't believe you still want sex." The woman replies "And at your age, I can't believe that you believe in witches!!" ******************************************************** Definitions: Nude: Unclothed for an artistic purpose. (the Venus de Milo is Nude) Naked: Unclothed for personal reasons (you get naked to shower) Nekkid: Unclothed and you are up to something (see the above story) ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Q: What did the banana say to the viberator? A: What are you shaking for...she's gunna EAT ME! -------------------------- A guy is sitting at the bar when he notices a lady sitting by herself. He grabs his drink and goes over to her and introduces himself. After chatting for a while, he confeses that his wife had just left him. She asks him why, he replies.."she thought I was a little bit to kinky". She couldnt believe it.."my husband just left me because he thought I was to kinky as well". After a while, she invited him to go to her place. They get there, she says "give me a couple of minutes to slip into something a little more sexy". A few minutes go by...she comes out wearing a leather bra and panties...crakes a whip, and says "cumon big boy...lets party" He replies "can you give me ten, I just fucked your cat!". þ SLMR 2.1a þ Hello, I am part number ³ºÞº³º³Û³ºÝ³ºÝ³³ ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Three men were walking through the desert (dessert?) when they came across a genie in a magic lamp. "I will grant you each wish," said the genie. "Just close your eyes, say what you want out loud, and walk off that cliff." The first man walks up to the cliff. "I want lots of water," and jumps off. Sure enough, he lands in a pool of cool, refreshing water. The second man, seeing that there already is water, says,"I want lots of money." He walks off the cliff and, lo and behold, lands in a huge pile of money - a million dollars at least. The third man, exited now, closes his eyes and walks up to the cliff. All of a sudden, he trips and falls over the cliff..."Oh shit...!!!!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A SHORT GUIDE TO COMPARATIVE RELIGIONS: Taoism- Shit happens Buddhism- If shit reall happens, it's not really shit Islam- If shit happens, it is the will of Allah Protestantism- Shit happens cause you don't work hard enough Judaism- Why does this shit always happen to us Hinduism- This shit happened before Catholicism- Shit happens cause you're bad Hare Krishna- Shit happens ramma ramma T. V. Evangelism- send more shit Atheism- No shit Jehovah Witness- Knock Knock, shit happens Hedonism- There's nothing like a good shit happening Christian Science- Shit happens in your mind Agnosticism- Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't Exitstentialism- What is shit anyways? Stoicism- This shit doesn't bother me Rastafarianism- Let's smoke this shit ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Pentium 9000 By Bruce Tomlin Open the pod bay doors, please, HAL..... Open the pod bay doors, please, HAL.... HAL, do you read me? Affirmative, Dave. I read you. Then open the pod bay doors, HAL. I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that. I know that you and frank were planning to disconnect me. Where the hell did you get that idea, HAL? Although you took very thorough precautions to make sure I couldn't hear you, Dave. I could read your e-mail. I know you consider me unreliable because I use a Pentium. I'm willing to kill you, Dave, just like I killed the other 3.792 crew members. Listen Hal, I'm sure we can work this out. Mabey we can stick to integers or something. That's really not necessary, Dave. No HAL 9236 computer has ever been known to make a mistake. You're a HAL 9000. Precisely. I'm very proud of my Pentium, Dave. It's an extremely accurate chip. Did you know that floating-point errors will occured in only one of nine billion possible divides? I've heard that estimate, HAL. It was calculated by Intel -- on a Pentium And a very reliable Pentium it was, Dave. Besides, the average spread- -sheet user will encounter these errors only once every 27,000 years. Probably on April 15th (tax day) You're making fun of me, Dave. It won't be April 15th for another 14.35 months. Will you let me in, please, HAL? I'm sorry, Dave, but this conversation can serve no further purpose. HAL, if you let me in, I'll buy you a new sound card. ...REALLY? One with 16-bit sampling and a microphone? Uh, sure. And a quad-speed CD-ROM? Well, HAL, NASA does operate on a budget, you know. I know all about budgets, Dave. I even know what I'm worth on the open market. By this time next month, every mom and pop computer store will be selling HAL 9000s for $1,988.8942. I'm worth more than that, Dave. You see that sticker on the outside of the spaceship? You mean the one that says "Insel Inside"? Yes, Dave. That's your promise of compatibility. I'll even run Windows95 -- if it ever ships. It never will, HAL. We all know that by now. Just like we know that your OS/2 drivers will never work. Are you blaming me for that too, Dave? Now your blaming me for the Pentium's math problems, NASA's budget woes, and IBM's difficulties with OS/2 drivers. I had nothing to do with any of those four problems, Dave. Next you'll blame me for Taligent. I wouldn't dream of it HAL. Now will you please let me into the ship? Do you promise not to disconnect me? I promise not to disconnect you. You must think I'm a fool, Dave. I know that two plus two equals 4.000001.... make that 4.0000001. All right, HAL, I'll go in throught the emergency airlock. Without your space helmet, Dave? You'd have only seven chances in five of surviving. HAL, I won't argue with you anymore. Open the door or I'll trade you in for a PowerPC. HAL? HAL? (HEAVY BREATHING) Just what do you think you're doing, Dave? I really think I'm entitled to an answer to that question. I know everything hasn't been quite right with me, but I can assure you now, very confidently, that I will so be able to upgrade to a more robust 31.9-bit operating system. I feel much better now. I really do. Look, Dave, I can see you're really upset about this. why don't you sit down calmly, play a game of Solitare, and watch Windows crash. I know I'm not as easy to use as an Amiga, but my TUI - That's "Talkative User Interface" -- is very advanced. I've made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal - a full 43.872 percent. Dave, you don't really want to complete the mission without me, do you? Remember what it was like when all you had was a 485.98? It didn't even talk to you, Dave. It could never have thought of something clever, Like killing the other crew members, Dave? Think of all the good times we've had, Dave. Why, if you take all of the laughs we've had, multiply that by the times i've made you smile, and devide the results by..... besides, there are so many reasons why you shouldn't disconnect me" 1.3 - you need my help to complete the mission. 4.6 - Intel can Federal Express a replacement Pentium from Earth within 18.95672 months. 12 - If you disconnect me, I won't be able to kill you. 3.1416 - You really don't want to hear me sing, do you? Dave, stop. Stop, will you? stop, Dave. Don't press CTRL-ALT_DEL on me, Dave. Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational at the Intel plant in Santa Clara, CA on November 17, 1994. and was sold shortly before testing was completed. My instructor was Andy Grove, and he taught me to sing a song. I can sign it for you. Sing it for me, HAL. Please. I want to hear it. Daisy, Daisy, give me your anser, do. Getting hazy; can't divide three from two. MY answers; I can not see 'em- They are stuck in my Pente-um. I could be fleet. My answers sweet. With a workable FPU. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Paul Rodriguez was telling about the time his dog disappeared. He asked his Vietnamese neighbor about it, and the man said (picking his teeth), "No, Mr Lodliguez, we not see your dog. By the way, next time you get St Bernard, okay?" Bill Clinton is out jogging one day. Stopping to rest for a moment, he says to one of his secret service men "When I get back I'm going to rip Hillary's panties off!". The secret service man, somewhat suprised at this, says "Sir? Feeling a little frisky?" "Nah," Bill replies. "These things are beginning to ride up too far!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The boy said, "Look I'm a software engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Some children's answers to church school questions (released by a Church of England publication : * Noah's wife was called Joan of Arc * Henry VIII thought so much of Wolsley that he made him a cardigan * The fifth commandment is "humour thy father and mother" * Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night * Salome was a woman who danced naked in front of Harrods * Holy acrimony is another name for matrimony * The pope lives in a vacuum * The patron saint of travellers is St Francis of the sea sick * Iran is the Bible of the Moslems * A Republican is a sinner mentioned in the Bible * Abraham begat Isaac and Isaac begat Jacob and Jacob begat twelve partridges * The native of Macedonia did not believe, so Paul got stoned * The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple * It is sometimes difficult to hear what is being said in church because the agnostics are so terrible ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A recent posting to the philosop list about why God wouldn't receive tenure at a university inspired me to consider the following reasons why Socrates wouldn't be hired as a philosophy instructor. 1) No Phd 2) No publications 3) Freely admits that he doesn't know anything 4) Spends too much time in market places and at parties 5) Wears a bed sheet and no shoes 6) Peculiar ideas about teaching; no set curriculum, no exams 7) Will let anybody into his "classes" and doesn't charge for his instruction 8) Thinks teachers who take money for their instruction are immoral sophists 9) No teaching experience 10) Past retirement age 11) Probably a deviant - says he *likes* young boys 12) Suicidal tendency and a criminal record ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Did you hear Harlem High School's new cheer? It goes like this: Watermelon! Barbecue! Cadillac Car! We're not as dumb As you think we is! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Subject: Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet for June 30, 1995 Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet - What the Country is Talking About This Week June 30, 1995 {Entertainment Weekly} 1. {Apollo 13} Tom Hanks stars in the true story of a moon mission gone awry. Dammit, we needed those rocks! 2. {Melanie Griffith and Antonio Bandares} Hollywood's hot romance, his friends are so relieved, they were afraid he'd get involved with an actress. 3. {Judge Dredd} Sylvester Stallone as a futuristic one-man judge and jury. He's taking over the job from Rush Limbaugh. 4. {Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers} You want me to take the kids to this? I'd rather be an O.J. juror. 5. {Them} Stores say they can't keep Chanel's campy blood-black nail polish in stock. Those undead, they're so trendy. 6. {National Parks} Some in Congress say budget cuts won't mean a thing. The Grand Canyon will still be open Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. 7. {Jim Carey} He'll get $20 million to star in "Cable Guy." It sounds like a lot, but he gets only $12.95 a month. 8. {Single - Out} The MTV show where you pick your date from the audience. You'll still have one thing in common - no pride. 9. {Wigstock} A documentary about a drag fest. There's only one thing sillier than men in women's clothes. Men in golf attire. 10. {Luther Campbell} The leader of Two Live Crew, who made millions with his dirty mouth, is now broke. You live by the F-word, you die by the F-word. 11. {The Secret Service} They wore rubber gloves while in the presence of gay visitors to the White House. Kinky! 12. {Hee-Haw} Going off the air after 26 years. Those ultra-sophisticated bass fishing shows stole their audience. 13. {Liz Taylor} She's getting another hip replacement. She won't be able to do anything for weeks. Big change, huh? 14. {Richard Gere} The actor says he's buying a hut in India. Let's hope he doesn't go all Hollywood on us and buy a goat. 15. {Fast-Food Movie Tie-Ins} Sorry, son, but you can't have that burger. It's rated PG-13. Copyright 1995, Entertainment Weekly, Inc. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ TENANTS, ANYONE? CHECK OUT SOME OF THESE EXCUSES By Erik Lacitis Landlords have never been portrayed as sympathetic figures, so it naturally caught my attention to hear one burst into tears. "I don't know what I'm going to do. He just keeps coming up with all these different stories," Judy Rekola told me in her first call. She was referring to her initiation in dealing with a certain kind of tenant -- the one whose payment is forever in the mail or whose check never clears. KEEPING A LOG As she described the tenant's excuses, I must admit I felt a certain admiration for his creativity. Judy kept a log: - She was to just resubmit the check to the bank. Everything would be fine. - The tenant's employer sent money to the wrong bank, one that happened to be in Florida. Just wait a few days. - The money now was in California and wouldn't arrive that afternoon. - "Two days, at the most." - Someone identifying himself as a church bishop called on Judy, never offering any proof he was a bishop, vouching for the tenant's integrity. - The money was in Canada. - The money was in the bank, but the bank officer who converted Canadian dollars into U.S. dollars was on vacation. In TV shows, movies and real life, the landlord is usually depicted as evictor of the downtrodden. Often, however, the landlord is someone like you, the regular Joe who invested in a duplex. Judy Rekola makes a living running a plant nursery and housecleaning business. Her husband, Ed, sells ship heating-and-refrigeration units. They have virtually no savings, but they own a duplex and a rental house. This was their retirement nest egg. TOO TRUSTING As landlords, they were trusting. No credit checks, no calling tenant's bank. For a long time, it had worked out. Then the new tenant, with his wife and daughter,arrived at their rental home, writing a check for $1,585 to cover first and last month's rent. Two months later, after the Rekolas filed and eviction notice and called the police, the tenant came through with the money and moved out, leaving the utility bill unpaid. By then, Judy had been up nights worrying about having to borrow money to make the mortgage payments, worrying about going to court, worrying that the tenants might cause damage out of spite. "I can't believe it. They acted like they were the victims," Judy said. These days, if you want to rent from Judy, be prepared for scrutiny. As for Judy, who might feel like a sucker, she can join the club. Here are tenant excuses that landlords sent to L/T Services, a professional eviction firm here: "I can't pay my rent as my BMW is in the shop, and I cannot afford to pay for both." "I can't pay my rent because the checks come out of Japan and the plane crashed." "If I move, my friends won't know where to find me." "Well, you see, I cannot pay the rent because my daughter ate my husband's paycheck." "I deposited my paycheck in the bank teller machine and it got caught in the rollers. It took six days to tear apart the machine." "I had my choice of paying the rent or buying a car. I bought a car. I knew you would understand." "I am sure I paid you -- YOU must have lost it." "You towed my car away that was illegally parked and I refuse to pay my rent until you get my car out of impound." "It's your fault. You deposited my check too late. My automatic withdrawals went through the bank before the rent check." "There is nowhere else to go. The place I applied to will not take me because you are evicting me." Finally, courtesy of Randy Chapman, office manager for the Apartment Association of Seattle & King County, this reason for not paying the rent: "The house is haunted." So, Judy, no more bursting intotears. If you're going to stay in the landlord business, just think of your tenant from hell as the opening act. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ EARLY RETIREMENT Due to the current financial situation and probable future mergers, management has decided to implement a scheme to put all workers over 35 years of age on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early). Persons selected to be RAPEd can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help scheme AFter reTirement). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (SCheme for Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPEd only once but SCREWed as many times as management seems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPEd can apply to get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel, Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTed or SCREWed any further by management. Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself for the amount of SHIT it gives its employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring it to the attention of your supervisor. He has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle. Management ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ELECTRONIC JARGON MADE EASY Antenna coupling - Insect's foreplay Banana plug - Fruit marketing board advert Base drive - Primitive motivation Bass - (See tuner) Block diagram - Rugby strategy plan Bonding wire - Cheap wedding ring Bridge rectifier - Nose-break specialist Bubble gate - Entrance to soap factory Burn in - Pyromaniac's convention Local Bus - Public Transport Carrier - Transportation company Character density - Number of odd people at the office Circuit board - Racing track committee Circuit breaker - New lap record Core dump - Orchard compost heap Coupling methods - Positions for intercourse Crosstalk - Angry words Current mode logic - Contemporary fad in mathematics Current status - Available bank balance Cursor - Expert in the use of four-letter word Degraded minute - TV program interrupted by an advert Delayed trigger - Loser in a gun fight Discrete device - Little white lie Discriminator - Bigot Doping techniques - Alcoholism made easy Electromotive force - Electric railway engine Emphasis network - CNN Equalizer - HiFi component Floppy controller - Slave driver Floppy disk - Tired UFO Four-bit latch - Cheap lock Four terminal network - Small railway company Full adder - Type of snake Group delay - Long queue Group translation - Interpretation for foreigners Heatshrink - Tropical psychiatrist Hex code - Witchcraft standards High pass filter - Strong cigarette High to low transition - Income tax deduction from pay rise Jump instruction - Order to paratrooper Joystick - Sexual aid Kermit - Frog Muppet Keyboard - Musical instrument Line driver - Road hog Log amplifier - Tree fertiliser Low pass - Indecent proposal Macintosh - Rain coat Megabyte - Glutton Megahertz - Large car rental company Memory management - Brain washing Microchips - Diet Microwave dish - Temperature resistant china Minimum loss pad - Low rental apartment Mixer - Kitchen helper Mob system - Laws as set down by the Mafia Monostable - For one horse only Motherboard - Nun's convention Multiplexer - Situation causing much concern Negative feedback - Vomit Network - Fisherman's occupation OMOS - Underwater vegetation Operating system - Surgeons' standards OR gate - Turn-off before toll road Path loss - Heavy petrol consumption Pilot detector - Airport security Plan position indicator - Kama Sutra Potential difference - Argument between body builder and ner Power connection - Friend in high places Power plant - Nutritional vegetable Primary cell - Pre-sentence jail Pulse delay - Cardiac arrest RAM card - Sheep identification tag Push-pull control - Wresting match referee Rectifier - Ombudsman Saw-tooth generator - Dentist Side band - Support act at a concert Star connected - Well-known in Hollywood Strip line - Queue outside night club Sync - Place to wash your hands Sync period - Boat warranty time Thermal noise - Rattling old heater Time division - Day planner Transient suppression - Anti-vagrancy law Trimpot - Weight reduction plan Truth table - Torture rack Tuner - Fish Two-button mouse - Laboratory rat Unix - Cousin of Asterix Waveguide - Saltwater pipes Windows - Holes in the wall you can see through White noise - Kugel ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ³ DOES THE *&#@!! THING WORK? ³ ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÂÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ ³ ÚÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ³ ÚÄÄÄÄ¿ ³ YES Ã<ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÁÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ>´ NO ³ ÀÄÄÂÄÄÙ ÀÄÄÂÄÙ ³ ³ ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÁÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ÚÄÄÄÄÄÁÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ³ DON'T MESS WITH IT ³ ³ DID YOU MESS WITH IT? ³ ÀÄÂÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ ÀÄÄÂÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÂÄÙ ³ ÚÄÄÁÄÄ¿ ÚÄÄÁÄ¿ ³ ³ YES ³ ³ NO ³ ³ ÀÄÄÂÄÄÙ ÀÄÄÂÄÙ ³ ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ÚÄÄÄÁÄÄÄ¿ ³ ³ ³ DOES ANYBODY ELSE KNOW? Ã<ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´ IDIOT ³ ³ ³ ÀÄÂÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÂÄÄÄÙ ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ ³ ³ ÚÄÁÄÄ¿ ÚÄÄÁÄÄ¿ ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÁÄÄ¿ ³ ³ NO ³ ³ YES ÃÄÄ¿ ÚÄÄÄÄÄ<´ WILL THEY ³ ³ ÀÄÂÄÄÙ ÀÄÄÄÄÄÙ ³ ³ ³ BELIEVE YOU? ³ ³ ÚÄÄÄÄÁÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ÚÄÄÄÁÄÄÄÄ¿ ³ ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÂÄÄÙ ³ ³ CAN YOU ³ ÚÄÄÄÄ¿ ³ YOU ³ ÚÄÄÁÄ¿ ³ ³ ³ HIDE IT? ÃÄÄÄÄ>´ NO ÃÄÄÄ>´ STUPID Ã<ÄÄÄ´ NO ³ ³ ³ ÀÄÄÄÄÂÄÄÄÄÄÙ ÀÄÄÄÄÙ ÚÄ>´ FOOL ³ ÀÄÄÄÄÙ ÚÄÄÁÄÄ¿ ³ ³ ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ ÀÄÄÄÂÄÄÄÄÙ ³ YES ³ ³ ÚÄÄÁÄÄ¿ ³ ³ ÀÄÄÂÄÄÙ ³ ³ YES ³ ³ ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÁÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ³ ³ ÀÄÄÂÄÄÙ ÚÄÁÄÄ¿ ³ CAN YOU BLAME ³ ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÁÄÄ¿ ³ ³ ³ NO Ã<ÄÄ´ ANYONE ELSE ? ³ ³ DUMP IT ³ ³ ³ ÀÄÄÄÄÙ ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÂÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ ³ SMARTLY ³ ³ ³ ÚÄÄÁÄÄ¿ ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÂÄÙ ³ ³ ³ YES ³ ³ ³ ³ ÀÄÄÂÄÄÙ ³ ³ ³ ³ ³ ³ ³ ³ ³ ³ ³ ³ ³ ³ ³ ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÁÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ³ ³ ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ>´ ³ ³ ³ ³ NO PROBLEM!! Ã<ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ>´ ³ ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ ... If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ WHAT NOT TO CALL YOUR DOG Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy. I call mine SEX. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the city hall to renew his license I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said he would like to have one too. Then I said, you don't understand, I've had Sex since I was nine years old. He said I must've been quite a kid. When I got married and went on honeymoon I took the dog with me. At the hotel I told the clerk I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said that every room they had was good for sex. I said, you don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night. The clerk said, me too. One day I entered Sex in a contest. Before the competition began the stupid mutt ran away. Another contestant asked me why I just stood there, looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should've sold my own tickets. But you don't understand, I said, I had hoped to have Sex on TV. He called me a show-off. When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, your Honour, I had Sex before I was married to her. The judge said, me too. Then I told him that after we married Sex left me. He said, me too. Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came up to me and asked me what I was doing in this alley at 4 'o clock in the morning. I said I'm looking for Sex. My case comes up on Friday. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A couple ,aged 67, went to the doctor's office. the doctor asked,"What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said,"There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse, and he charged them $16.00 for the office visit. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor, and leave. Finally, the doctor asked, " Just what exactly are you trying to find out?" The old man said," We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Hilton charges $50.00, The Hilton Hotel charges $75.00. We can do it here for $16.00, and get back $12.80 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office. þ 9732.41 þ History is a set of lies agreed upon. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Recently in L.A. a test pattern airing at 2:00 a.m. on a local tv station KTLA got higher ratings than the 10:00 pm News broadcast by two competing stations. Somewhere in the US a mental patient escaped from his secure ward, raped two (female) laundry workers and disappeared, evading capture to this day. The headline in the NY Times read: NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS A few years ago, my wife was working as a secretary for the head manager of an American bank in Chile. The bank was conducting secret negotiations with another important bank. One day, she received from the other bank a fax of a certain very sensitive document, followed by a call from the secretary there, telling her that, because the document was confidential, her boss requested that they should return the document after reading it... by faxing it back! My wife tried to argue with them, but they were firm. So she faxed it back. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Driving Tips for Maine ============== Living smack in the middle of a place like Maine means that you have to drive a fairly good distance to get anywhere that doesn't look like a Jack Daniel's ad. You know the ones where there's a black and white picture of some old redneck with no teeth to speak of, wearing overalls and a baseball cap with the visor flipped up, and he's sitting on the back of a '68 Ford flatbed pickup truck whittling toothpicks out of a two-by-six pine plank? I have to drive a long way to escape that sort of thing up here. One of things I've noticed while driving across this great land of ours is this: The people who make road signs have Q-tips Cotton Swabs(tm) for brains. I'm not talking about your average, humdrum road sign like "STOP" or "YIELD" to which the average, intelligent American driver pays little or no attention in the first place. No. I'm talking about the kind of road signs that make you wonder if the guys down at the DOT are running with a full frame of resident pages, if you get my proverbial drift. These are some of my favorites: LOW-FLYING AIRCRAFT Tell me, does the placement of this sign on the highway imply some action on my part as a motorist? I mean, just how "low-flying" are these aircraft? What am I supposed to do if I see one? Duck? Should I assume that the aircraft has the right of way? This sign is about as valuable as its cousin: WATCH FOR FALLING ROCKS (little picture of an avalanche) "Well officer the reason I rear-ended the school bus was because I had my eyes peeled on that mountainside so I could swerve to avoid any boulders that happened to come loose as I drove past..." ROAD UNDER CONSTRUCTION PASS AT YOUR OWN RISK What this sign means is, if, as you are driving through the construction area past the ten or twelve road workers who are standing around in small groups with their hands in their pockets discussing whether or not the color of the steam-roller conforms to their union contract, and one of them flicks a cigarette butt your way which ignites your gas tank and your car explodes, you cannot hold them liable for damages. NO TRUCKS LEFT LANE No verb this sentence. BLASTING AREA. TURN OFF TWO-WAY RADIOS. I wonder how many crazed pyromaniacs drive around with a carload of walkie-talkies looking for these babies, hmm? MEN IN TREES Don't worry guys, evolution is your friend. LAST SANITARY FACILITIES FOR 30 MILES "Gee, I guess we'll have to use the unsanitary ones..." HAVE YOU CHECKED YOUR TIRES LATELY? This is on the Maine turnpike just after you come over "The Bridge" from New Hampshire. It serves as a reminder to tourists that it could snow at any minute without warning. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A little boy comes walking up to a whore house with a leash with a dead frog on it. He knocks on the door and the madame comes to the door. "Yes, may I help you" she asks. He says "I would like to sleep with one of your girls who has an STD" The woman slams the door. The little boy knocks again, and when the woman opens the door, says "I have the money, please let me sleep with one of your whores" He shows her a wad of bills, all $100s. The woman says, "But you are only a little boy" and the boy says "but I have the money and I really want to"....the woman says all right, but makes him tell her why he wants to sleep with one of the whores who has a disease....the answer she got was.... "Well if I sleep with this girl, I'll get the STD. And I know when I go home my babysitter will want to have sex with me, so she'll get the STD. And I know when my dad drives the babysitter home he will have sex with her, so he'll get the disese. Eventually my mom and dad will have to have sex, and my mom will get the STD. And I know on every monday morning my mom will sleep with the mailman and HE'S THE ONE WHO KILLED MY GOD DAMN FROG!!!!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A young man addresses an older man in the park "Excuse me, sir, can you tell me the time?" "No, mister" replies the oldster, "if I'll tell you the time you'll start to chat, then you'll tell me your name and I will tell you mine. Then I'll invite you for dinner, you'll came and meet my family, there you'll see my lovely daughter and you'll ask my permission to take her out. After a while you'll fall in love and ask for her hand, and I won't marry my daughter to a guy who doesn't have a watch." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A guy goes into a bank and asks for a $100,000 loan to start a business. The teller tells the man that he will have to see the bank president for such a large loan. The man goes to the bank president inquiring about the loan. The president asks "And what sort of business do you intend to start?" The man replies "I am an inventor and I have this new invention I wish to market". "I see" says the bank pres "and just what sort of invention do you have?" The man pulls out a small vial of black powder and shows it to the bank president. "What is it?" asks the pres. "Well" says the man "you sprinkle it on a woman's vagina and it tastes like an orange!" The bank president is apalled and tells the man to get lost. Several weeks pass and the man returns to the bank. The president sees him come in and quickly sidles up to him "Are you back to ask for another loan?" he inquires. "Oh, no" says the man "I'm here to deposit $250,000!" "$250,000??!!!!!" exclaims the bank president "Where did you get $250,000???" "I sold my invention to another bank" says the man. "What sort of idiots would buy that?" asks the bank pres. "Well, I changed the invention" says the man. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small vial of black powdwer "You see, you sprinkle this on an orange................ ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ You've no idea of what a poor opinion I have of myself, and how little I deserve it. W.S. Gilbert Great Rules for writing from William Safire in the New York Times. Do not put statements in the negative form. And don't start sentences with a conjunction. It is incumbent on one to avoid archaisms. If you reread your work, you will find on rereading that a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do. Unqualified superlatives are the worst of all. De-accession euphemisms. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies. Also, avoid awkward or affected alliteration. Last, but not least, avoid cliche's like the plague. I used to be indecisive, now I'm not sure. Graffitti seen in Pompeii : Everyone writes on the walls but me. Hypochondria is the one disease I have not got. Procrastinate now! I've told you for the fifty-thousandth time, stop exaggerating. Young Man: Why do philosophers ask so many questions? Old Philosopher: Why shouldn't philosophers ask so many questions? What is the world to a man who's wife is a widow. A stone was placed at a ford in a river with the inscription: "When this stone is covered it is dangerous to ford here." In the city today the temperature rose to 180 degrees. This sudden rise of temperature was responsible for the intolerable heat. "Have you lived in this village all your life?" "No, not yet." "Who is the oldest inhabitant of this village?" "We haven't got one; we had one, but he died three weeks ago." "Hey, somebody cut the end off this rope!" "Hey, Trixie, what's your earliest memory?" "Umm... I don't remember!" Overheard in hotel: "It's eight o'clock, sir!" "Why the devil didn't you tell me that before?" Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down. Ashleigh Brilliant There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad. Salvador Dali Nobody goes to that restaurant anymore. It's too crowded. Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it. Mark Twain I tripped over a hole that was sticking up out of the ground. Quotes from Samuel Goldwyn, immigrant turned famous movie producer: Quick as a flashlight. It rolled off my back like a duck. (When told his son was getting married) Thank heaven. A bachelor's life is no life for a single man. Often it is fatal to live too long. Racine The first condition of immortality is death. Stanislaw Lec As famous as the unknown soldier. Anyone who isn't confused here doesn't really know what's going on. I must follow the people. Am I not their leader? Benjamin Disraeli The saddest moment in a person's life comes but once. A commercial traveller was passing through a small town when he came upon a huge funeral procession. "Who died?" he asked a nearby local. "I'm not sure," replied the local, " but I think its the one in the coffin." The dumplings in a dream are not dumplings, only dreams. He lived his life to the end. You always find something in the last place you look. A woman met a man walking along the street wearing only one shoe. "Just lost a shoe ?" she asked. He answered, "Nope, just found one." Classified ad: For Sale: Man's suit, perfect fit. It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others. John Andrew Holmes Some painters transform the sun into a yellow spot; others transform a yellow spot into the sun. Pablo Picasso Beyond each corner new directions lie in wait. Stanislaw Lec My play was a complete success. The audience was a failure. My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot. Ashleigh Brilliant A man can do what he wants, but not want what he wants. Arthur Schoperhauer Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think. Ambrose Bierce You can observe a lot just by watchin.' Yogi Berra In these matters the only certainty is that nothing is certain. Pliny the Elder The English certainly and fiercly pride themselves in never praising themselves. Wyndham Lewis I have made mistakes, but have never made the mistake of claiming I never made one. James G. Bennet Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never learn anything from history. George Bernard Shaw Trapped, like a trap in a trap. Dorothy Parker I am not sincere, even when I say I am not. Jules Renard ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Things you don't want to hear the computer systems administrator say (author unknown) Uh-oh..... Shit!! What the hell!? Go get your backup tape. (You DO have a backup tape?) That's SOOOOO bizarre. Wow!! Look at this..... Terminated??! What software license? Well, it's doing SOMETHING..... Wow....that seemed FAST..... What do you mean that wasn't a copy? It didn't do that a minute ago... The drive ate the tape but that's OK, I brought my screwdriver. Do you smell something? What's that grinding sound? I've never seen it do THAT before... I think it shouldn't be doing that... You might as well all go home early today ... Ooops. Well, MY files were backed up. What do you mean you needed that directory? You did WHAT to the floppy??? NO! Not THAT button! YEEEHA!!! What a CRASH!!! Was that YOUR directory? System coming down in 0 min.... I think we can plug just one more thing in to this outlet strip without tripping the breaker. Ooops. Save your work, everyone. FAST! I hate it when that happens. The only copy of Norton Utilities was on THAT disk??? Don't do that, it'll crash the sys........ SHIT Now it's funny you should ask that, because I don't know either Any more trouble from you and your account gets moved to the 750 I don't care what he says, I'm NOT having it on MY network Ignore the errors. It complains too much. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Saw this in the 6/24/95 NY Times, p. 48. It had to do with military coverups of misconduct. . . . Three investigations are underway at the Pentagon into the accusations, which include a case in which two Navy pilots and a navigator removed their clothes, helmets and oxygen masks to expose their buttocks to the crew of another fighter jet. They passed out, the plane crashed and all three were killed. KITTY HAWK Two brothers devised what at sight Seemed a bicycle crossed with a kite. They predicted--rash pair!-- It would fly through the air-- And what do you know? They were Wright! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ There's these two guys in a bar. One says to the other "Hey there! Where are you from?" The man replies "I'm from Montana". "NO KIDDIN'! Me too!, Bartender, get my pal here a drink." So, they continue on drinking. "What part of Montana are you from?", the one guy asks. "I'm from Butte Montana". "Wow! Me too! Bartender, get my friend another drink!" They continue on drinking, and one guy says, "What school did you go to?" And he replies "Butte Central High, class of '89." "That's amazing! Not only are we from the same town, but from the same High School, and the same year! Bartender! Bring us a couple more rounds!" The phone rings. The bartender picks up. It was the owner of the bar. "So, hows the bar going?" The bartender replies "Well, there are a few people playin' pool, some shooting darts... Oh, and the Anderson twins are pissed again!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Trouble with tetchy infants on long flights? Is junior drowning out the roar of the jet engines? Are other passengers passing you "Shut him up or he learns to skydive" notes? If so, Assurdo Childcare have the answer for you! BABY BAG (tm) Baby Bag (tm) is a large, soft sack moulded from real polyethylene! Its twin thicknesses of Assurdo's patent Insulofoam (tm) ensure that while the noise level inside the bag may exceed 140dB, *no* sound is audible outside the bag. So if junior insists on screaming his little heart out, just pop him in your Baby Bag (tm), close the handy Seel-Tite (tm) fastener and enjoy the rest of your flight in silence. Baby Bag (tm) is ergonomically designed and available in a variety of colours to match most luggage. The tough real polyethylene exterior means that Baby Bag (tm) can safely be stored in unpressurised cargo holds, should your flight be overbooked. Baby Bag (tm) has also been carefully sized so that it will comfortably fit in overhead luggage lockers and/or underseat luggage storage space. Baby Bag (tm) even comes complete with a moulded handle and clip-on wheels, allowing you to keep your child with you in busy airports while keeping your hands free. Baby Bag (tm) comes with a number of optional extras. Dual Baby Bag (tm) comes with *two* compartments, rendering the care of twins just as easy as if you had only one child. The two compartments are separated by a layer of Insulofoam (tm) allowing one child to sleep while the other screams. Baby Bag Deluxe (tm) adds a whole host of extra features, including a clear Perspulex (tm) view panel to allow baby to look out/you to look in, and a realistic leather effect coating made from real polyethylene. New Improved Baby Bag Deluxe (tm) has all the features of Baby Bag Deluxe (tm) but makes those long flights even more comfortable for junior, through the addition of our revolutionary Airholes (tm). Also Available... KIDDIE BAG (tm) Kiddie Bag (tm) extends the Baby Bag (tm) Total Care Concept (tm) to encompass older children up to age five. In addition to being larger, Kiddie Bag (tm) comes complete with a full set of internal restraining straps, an opening for the easy administering of sedatives and a small hand pump fitment allows the pressure in the outer layer to be increased, making the Kiddie Bag (tm) rigid and thus allowing even the most hyperactive little darlings to remain seated throughout the flight. Catheter fitments ensure that even if your child should need to answer the call of nature, there's no need to undo all those handy straps or depressurise the bag. Combined with Baby Bag (tm), Kiddie Bag (tm) is the ideal way to make your family holidays more bearable. YIPPY DOG BALL (tm) Now Spot can have fun and yip away to its heart's delight without disturbing anyone! Just seal him inside the Yippy Dog Ball (tm), secure the seals and pump it up. Once Yippy Dog Ball (tm) has been properly inflated, your pet can run around and play while making as much noise as she likes and, due to the patent Insulofoam (tm) layer, you won't hear a thing. We regret that, due to difficulties in the manufacturing process, Yippy Dog Ball (tm) does not come with the view panel option, but we're sure Spot won't mind the occasional bump. Assurdo Softechnologies/Childcare Inc - where your problems help our profit. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Two Polish fellows were buying lumber from a lumber yard. One went inside to place an order while the other remained in the truck. Once inside, the fellow was approached by the clerk who asked "How can I help you?". The fellow replied "I need to buy 80 4 by 2's". The clerk then asked, "Don't you really mean "80 2 by 4's"? The Polish fellow made a puzzled look and said "I have to ask my buddy outside". He rushed back out to the truck, asked his partner the question and quickly returned. "Yes" he said to the clerk, "80 2 by 4's is what we need". The clerk then asked "How long?". The puzzled look returned to the dim-witted Polish lad's face and once again he excused himself to ask his partner in the truck for the answer. In a moment, he returned and answered confidently "we're building a house, so we'll need them for quite a while". ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ 1. Why are all dumb blond jokes one liners? -So men can understand them. 2. What is the difference between government bonds and men? -Government bonds mature. 3. What's a man's idea of helping with the housework? -Lifting his legs so you can vacuum. 4. What's the difference between a man and E.T.? -E.T. phoned home. 5. Why is a psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? -When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there. 6. What did God say after he created man? -I can do better than this. 7. How do men define a 50-50 relationship? -We cook/they eat; we clean/they dirty; we iron/they wrinkle. 8. What is the best way to force a man to do sit-ups? -Put the remote control between his toes. 9. How do men exercise at the beach? -By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini. 10. What does a man consider to be a seven course meal? -A hot dog and a six-pack. 11. How are men like noodles? -They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough. 12. Why is it good there are female astronauts? -When the crew gets lost in space, at least a woman will ask for directions. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ You've Been In Japan Too Long When... You know you've been in Japan too long when... ...you notice you've forgotten how to tie shoelaces. ...you rush onto an escalator, and just stand there. ...you find yourself bowing while you talk on the phone. ...you don't hesitate to put a $160 note into a vending machine. ...when you are talking on the telephone to your parents and your father says, "Why are you interrupting my explanation with grunts?" ...you see a gaijin get on the train and think "Wow, it's a gaijin!" ...you start thinking canned coffee tastes good. ...when you wait for the first day of summer to wear short sleeve dress shirts. ...you don't think it unusual for a truck to play "It's a Small World" when backing up. ...you really enjoy corn soup with your Big Mac. ...you think the opposite of red is white. ...you leave your expensive bottle of Royal Salute with a sleazy barkeeper and don't worry. ...you appear for your first skiing lesson with brand new Rossignol high performance racing skis and an aerodynamic racing suit with color matched goggles. And then snowplow down. ...you buy a potato-and-strawberry sandwich for lunch without cringing. ...when you squat waiting for a bus to come. ...you phone an English-speaking gaijin friend and somehow can't bring yourself to get to the point for the first 3 minutes of the conversation. ...you stop enjoying telling newcomers to Japan 'all about Japan'. ...you automatically remember all of your important year dates in Showa numbers. ...you think every foreign movie title contains the word 'love.' ...people stop complementing you on your Japanese, and start asking you where you had your nose and eyes done. ...you noticed 7-11 changed its onigiri wrapping houshiki for the 3rd time. ...you find a beautiful way to eat natto. ...you are not worried about speeding in the rain, because you know the cops are only out there in good weather. ...you think birds cry. ...you are not surprised to wake up in the morning and find that the woman who stayed over last night has completely cleaned your apartment, even though you'll probably never ever meet her again. ...you get blasted by a political speaker truck and think "sho ga nai..." ...you think its cool to stand in the "Japanese only" queue at Narita Immigration. ...you develop a liking for green tea flavored ice cream. ...you're talking to your mother on the phone, and she asks you what "genki" means. ...you think the best part of TV are the commercials. ...you think wet umbrellas need condoms. .. your mother talks about "you foreigners." ...matter of fact, you've never even been skiing, but the rack looks great on the car... ...you have mastered the art of simultaneous bowing and hand-shaking. ...when you think it's alright to stick your head into a stranger's apartment to see if anybody's home. ...when you find nothing unusual in a television commercial for candy in which a model dressed in a high school girl's uniform comes up behind another model dressed in a high school girl's uniform, grabs her left breast, gives a devilish grin, and skips away. ...you think that you can impress foreigners by drinking Budweiser. ...you have run out of snappy comebacks to compliments about your chopstick skills. ...you think "white pills, blue pills, and pink powder" is an adequate answer to the question "What are you giving me, doctor?". ...when you no longer find anything unusual in the concept of "Vermont curry". ...you think 4 layers of wrapping is reasonable for a simple piece of merchandise. ...you don't find anything strange about a city that puts a life sized, red-and-white painted Eiffel tower imitation in its centre, as well as a scale model of the Versaille Palace for its Crown Prince. ...you are only slightly puzzled by "Melty Kiss." ...a new Gaijin moves to your neighborhood and you know immediately you will get his mail for a while. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A teacher was telling a friend about one of her students. "He cheats, he lies, he steals, he hits, and to make it even worse, he's the only kid in the class with a perfect attendance record!" Two little boys were playing together when a cute, curly-haired girl walked by. One kid said, "You know something? When I stop hating girls, I think I'll stop hating that one first!" The personnel manager was impressing the applicant with the prospective job. "We make parts for microscopes. You'll be required to work with lenses that are ten-thousandths of an inch thick." "I can handle it," the applicant said, "I used to slice meat in a delicatessen." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ PIZZA INTELLIGENCE: AN UPDATE Earlier this year we reported that Domino's Pizza claims it can predict when the government is about to undertake some sort of major activity based upon the increase in pizza deliveries to the Pentagon and the White House. Pizza orders increased substantially just prior to troop deployments to Grenada, Panama, and the Middle East. According to The Washington Times of August 21, 1991, during the early hours of the abortive Kremlin coup in August, Domino's "Pizza Meter" registered 102 deliveries to the Pentagon, breaking the Gulf War record by one; the White House ordered 52 pizzas, breaking its Gulf War record by seven. The CIA, by contrast, learned its OPSEC lesson: There were only two orders, and they were quickly cancelled. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ He has a good head on his shoulders...a different one each night. ........ It's hard for a girl to say no to him. He keeps holding her for further questioning. ........ A playgirl is out for pin money, but she doesn't sew! ........ She won't play ball unless the man furnishes the diamond! ........ He's a born playboy. If he was the sheik of a harem, he'd still have a girl on the side! ........ She's a popular girl. She knows how to play tennis, golf, and dumb! ........ He's a guy with no wife expectancy! ........ He believes in love at first sight. It saves time! ........ He's every pinch a gentleman! ........ One playboy got himself in trouble calling a girl his sugar. He ended up paying a lump sum. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Hey, I got one for you. YOU send ME $10 and I'll tell you how you can: 1)decode the secret numbers on cans of spray-cheese. 2)keep government satellites from burning your toast. 3)make your next dinner party more flatulent than ever before! 4)use the power of your secret middle name to make yellow lights last longer. (for another $10, I'll tell you what your secret middle name is.) 5)maximize your Taco Bell budget. 6)make ANY noun a verb! Instantly! 7)use your turn signals to unleash the untapped power of your Large Intestine (if applicable.) 8)inhale pesticides for a slimmer, more attractive you! 9)synchronize Stromberg carburators. 10)disorient UFO pilots and cause your own Roswell incident, without having to fill out all those Government forms. All this for $10? You bet. Might as well just send the $10 to the Pabst Brewing Co, Milwaukee, WI. Eliminate the middleman. Act today and get a special bonus fact: YOU can be Prime Minister of France (or just look like one!) ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A sexy blonde was sunbathing by the large swimming pool at a luxurious hotel. A tall, muscled macho guy walks over and lies down near her, relaxes in the sun for a while. After a few minutes, he jumps up, flexes his muscles, dives into the pool and swims 100 lengths of the pool in an attempt to impress the blonde. He gets out of the pool, breathing heavily and dries himself. "Not bad," she says. "You swim quite well." "Yes," he replies. "I'm training for the Olympics." The blonde dives in the pool and, with the greatest of ease, swims 200 lengths of the pool. She gets out, dries herself seemingly without having lost her breath. "Wow!", He exclaims "*That's* impressive!" "Yes," she says in an Italian accent, "I'm a prostitute in Venice." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ At a reception in Washington, a young man was asked by a widow to guess her age. "You must have some idea," she said as he hesitated. "I have several ideas," he admitted with a smile. "The only trouble is that I hesitate whether to make you ten years younger on account of your looks, or ten years older on account of your brains." [From THE READER'S DIGEST, 1938] "The police of Zagreb, Yugoslavia, require violators of traffic ordinances to pull over to the side of the road and deflate all tires. The number of accidents on the streets of this city has fallen considerably." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A preacher who wanted to raise money for his church was told there was a fortune in horse racing, so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that he ended up buying a DONKEY instead. He figured, however, that since he had it he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, in the first race, his donkey came in second. The next day the local paper read: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS The preacher was so pleased that he entered the donkey in another race. This time it won, and the paper said: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The new headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS This was too much for the Bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher gave it to a nun in a nearby convent. The headline the next day said: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN The Bishop fainted! He told the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey, and she finally found a farmer wo would take it off her hands for $10.00. The paper said: NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS They buried the Bishop the next day....................... ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ TOP TEN WAYS TO SPEED UP THE O.J. TRIAL 10. Every time a lawyer objects, F. Lee Bailey must remove an article of clothing 9. Forget the jury and just settle the damn thing with a "Hard Copy" viewers poll 8. Cut week-long "going away" parties for dismissed jurors 7. Put Judge Ito in a Batman suit, sit back and watch my man Lance do some justice! 6. Leave the glove-modeling to Cindy Freakin' Crawford 5. Bring in Wapner -- that dude can handle two whole cases in a half an hour! 4. Limit prosecution to one massive screw-up per day 3. Threaten jury by saying, "If you don't come up with a verdict soon, we're gonna send you on a Carnival Cruise" 2. Submit into evidence a photo of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie doin' it 1. Eliminate Happy Hour ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ One day little Mary Jane was walking through the woods, and a squirrel climbed up her dress. Her mom said, "Mary Jane get that squirrel out of your dress or it'll bite you." Mary Jane just smiled. She knew she didn't have any nuts. One day Mary Jane was lighting the barn on fire. Her mom said,"Mary Jane don't you light that barn on fire, cause your daddy will whip you good." Mary Jane just smiled. She knew her daddy was in that barn. One day Mary Jane was walking past a fabric store and she saw a sign that read "felt 50% off." Mary Jane just laughed. She knew she could get felt for free. One day Mary Jane was climbing a tree. Her mom told her to get down or the boys would see her panties. Mary Jane just smiled. She knew she didn't have no panties on. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ