ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ÛÛ» ÛÛ» ÛÛÛ» ÛÛÛ» ÛÛÛÛÛ» ÛÛ» ÛÛ» ÛÛÛÛÛÛ» ÛÛÛÛÛ» ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛÛÛ» ÛÛÛÛº ÛÛÉÍÍÛÛ» ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛÉÍÛÛÛÛ» ÛÛÉÍÍÛÛ» ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛº ÛÛÛÛÛ» ÛÛÉÛÛÛÛÉÛÛº ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛºÛÛÉÛÛº ÈÛÛÛÛÛÛº ÛÛÉÍÍÛÛº ÈÍÍÍͼ ÛÛºÈÛÛɼÛÛº ÛÛÉÍÍÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛÛÛɼÛÛº ÈÍÍÍÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛº Èͼ ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ» ÈÛÛÛÛÛÛɼ ÛÛÛÛÛɼ Èͼ Èͼ Èͼ Èͼ Èͼ Èͼ Èͼ ÈÍÍÍÍÍͼ ÈÍÍÍÍͼ ÈÍÍÍͼ Yep, it's another one of those ominous H-MAIL files... what are they? Jokes, they're a fat collection of jokes, nothing more... all of 'em assembled, in no particular order or sequence, just the way I saved them from my mail packets. If you're easily offended, good! I love alt.tasteless.jokes! H-MAIL09.TXT is brought to you with the compliments of ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ³ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ ³ ³ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ ³ ³ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ ³ ³ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ ³ ³ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ ³ ³ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ þ ³ ³ ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ³ ³ The HMVH Corporation ³ ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ Bulletin Board System ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A guy goes to pick up a girl for their first date. He arrives at the house, and, as is usual for first dates, she is still upstairs putting on makeup and doing the usual first date prep shit, so the bloke ends up in the living room with the girl's parents, who are both deaf and dumb. The father is watching television, and the mother is knitting. All of a sudden, the mother drops her knitting, and pours a full beer down the front of her skirt. The father then takes a match and sticks it in his left eye. Eventually, the girl is ready, and the two of them get into the car. The guy then explains to her what her parents had just done. "That's nothing" she replied.. "My mom just said: 'Give the cunt a beer. 'My dad replied: 'Fuck him.. I'm watching a match!' " ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A couple is driving down a country road with the windows open. They see a donkey in a field. The wife waves at the donkey and calls out, "Hi!" The donkey brays at her. The husband asks, "A relative of yours?" The wife replies, "Yes, by marriage." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The faithful Church attending wife came home to find her husband in the easy chair watching a football game on T.V. with several empty beer cans around him on the floor. Without taking his eyes off of the T.V., hoping to ridicule her relationship with the Church, he says: "I wonder if I'll drink in the hereafter?" To which she sweetly replies: "I couldn't say about whether or not you'll drink, but I'm absolutely sure you'll smoke." ****************************** A woman who couldn't get her skeptic husband to attend Church with her was on her way out the door one winter Sunday morning, and as the husband watched her putting on her coat, he attempted to ridicule her by saying, "How are you going to get your coat on over your wings?" She responds "The same way you get your trousers on over your tail." ****************************** Little Johnny wanted a baby brother so badly that he prayed for one each night before going to bed. He finally gave up and stopped praying. Three months later his father took him to the hospital and showed him his new twin brothers. "Oh Dad," he exclaimed, "It's a good thing I stopped praying when I did!" ****************************** The lady of the mansion says to the butler, "Now James, I want you to stand by the front door at the party tonight and call the guest's names as they enter." "Gladly madam, I've been wanting to do that for years!" ****************************** It was raining cats and dogs one evening, but the traveler couldn't turn his back on the woman stranded at the side of the road with the flat tire. Stopping and successfully changing the tire, the traveler was tossing the jack and tire iron back into her trunk when the woman holding an umbrella over the two of them said, "Quiet! You'll wake my husband in the back seat!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Q: How many KKKers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Six. One to do it, and five to swear that the old bulb died of natural causes. Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW full of lawyers? A: Well, with the porcupine, the pricks are on the outside. Q: What's the ideal weight of a lawyer? A: Three pounds, including the urn. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The British preacher visited America and heard a Mother's Day sermon. He was shocked to hear the preacher say, "I spent most of my life in the arms of another man's wife." But he was relieved when the preacher said, "She was my mother." Thinking this to be an effective introduction to one of his sermons, he used it the next Sunday in his church. "I spent most of my life," he began, "in the arms of another man's wife." The congregation gasped while the preacher forgot the punch line. Thinking for a moment the preacher finally said, "And for the life of me I can't remember who she was." ****************************** A man and woman had been pen pals for over a year through a Lonely Hearts Club ad in a magazine. She became so impressed with his letters, she fell in love and wrote asking for the opportunity to meet the man behind all the wonderful letters she had enjoyed. He wrote back that he was so very happy she was having the same fulfillment he was from their relationship through the mail, but before he responded to her request, he had to let her know that he was in a serious car accident during his wild teenage years which left him with a steel plate in his head which disfigured his face and about 1/3 of a head of hair, without one arm, confined to a wheel chair, and a sort of hoarse raspy voice. He quickly added that he would completely understand if this made her less anxious to carry the relationship further. She wrote back and pooh-poohed his physical impairments and said the letters had revealed what he was like on the inside regardless of what might be on the outside. Then she added that she still wanted to meet him, and suggested that he pick her up at the bus station at 8:00 p.m. next Friday evening. Finally she asked if he would wear a rose in his lapel so she could recognize him. ****************************** A woman well into her eighties begged her doctor for birth-control pills so she could sleep better. The doctor refused her request, but she kept begging. Finally he gave in. A month later the woman returned and asked for more pills. The doctor said, "Do they really help you sleep better? There's not one word in the literature about the sedative effect of this pill. How does it work for you?" The old woman said, "In the morning I put one in my granddaughter's juice. I sleep like a log!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ How the pussy was made: ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Seven wise men made up their minds to build themselves a pussy of their own designs. The first was a carpenter, full of wit with hammer and chisel he carved the slit. The second a blacksmith, black as coal with anvil and sledgehammer he made the hole. The third was a taylor, long and slim with some red ribbon he lined it within. The fourth was a furrer, big and stout with the skin of a bear he lined it without. The fifth a fisherman, old and bent with a rotten fish he gave it a scent. The sixth was a doctor with a degree he patted it and said it would pee. The seventh a rabbi, a mean little runt he fucked it and blessed it and called it a cunt! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The pissed-off cowboy: ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Shortly after round-up, the cattle were loaded into cars and shipped to Chicago for sale. Each car has an attendant to feed and water the stock. One of these cowboys is the subject of this story. Following the unloading of the cattle at their destination, the cowboy headed for a restaurant to have dinner. The only vacant place was next to a refined, educated and rather well- looking lady. He could not help but overhear the placing her order: "I'll have a breast of virgin fowl. Make sure it's virgin, catch it yourself and garnish it with onions, young spring onions. Then I'll have a cup of coffee, not too sweet and not too strong, and Oh! Waiter, please open the window. I think I smell a horse, there must be a cowboy in the room!" Completely pissed-off and not to be outdone, the cowboy placed his order: "I'll have a duck, a well-fucked duck. Fuck it yourself and garnish it with old horse shit, freshly shit horse shit. Bring me a cup off coffee, strong as Texas mule piss, and fart the foam off, and Oh! Waiter, knock down the walls, I think I smell a cunt, there must be a whore in the house!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Definition of Politics SON: "Dad, I have to do a special report at school. Can I ask you a question?" DAD: "Sure son, what's the question?" SON: "What is POLITICS?" DAD: "Well, lets take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me MANAGEMENT. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her GOVERNMENT. We take care of you and your needs, so let's call you the PEOPLE. We'll call the maid the WORKING CLASS and your baby brother the FUTURE. Do you understand?" SON: "I'm not really sure Dad, I'll have to think about it. That night the boy was awakened by his baby brother's crying so the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering the baby seriously soiled his diaper, the son went to his parent's room and found mother sound asleep. He then went to the maid's room, where peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard by his father and maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. -!- The next morning --- SON: "Dad, now I think I understand POLITICS. DAD: "That's great son, explain it to me in your own words." SON: "Well Dad, while MANAGEMENT is screwing the WORKING CLASS, the GOVERNMENT is fast asleep. The PEOPLE are being completely ignored, and the FUTURE is full of shit! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ T R U E D E F I N I T I O N S ADULTERY - The wrong people doing the right thing. ALIMONY - The screwing you get for the screwing you got. ANGEL - A female spirit who spends most of her time wishing she could trade her harp for an upright organ. BABY - A hollow tube with a loud voice at one end and a complete lack of responsibility at the other end. BARE FOOT PARTY - Where you take off your shoes and hose. BATHROOM MENACE - A man having the misfortune at a tender age to have been circumcised by a cross-eyed Rabbi. BLACKOUT - The reason a girl is apt to be blown into maternity without knowing who is responsible. CANNIBAL - One who is apt to pass his best friend. CASTRATED DINOSAUR - A colossal fossil with a docile tossle. CHIVALRY - A mans inclination to defend a woman against every man but himself. CONSCIENCE - That which hurts when everything else feels so good. CONSTIPATION - To have and to hold. COOKIE - A virgin doughnut. DUCKS HOUND - A low down son of a bitch. DANCE - A Naval engagement without the loss of seamen. DIVORCE - What happens when two people cannot stomach each other any longer. DEAD STICK - When the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. DECOY - A flashlight in the pants pocket. DIARY - Book of revelations. DOCTOR - A lucky fellow who is privileged to undress women and go all over them without getting his face slapped. DRAKE SIR FRANCIS - The man who circumcised the world with a forty foot cutter. ENEMA - A goose with a gush. EXPLORATION - Beating around the bush. FATHER'S DAY - Nine months before labor day. GENTLEMAN - One who is always careful after goosing a young lady, to restore her dress to its former position; one who is always careful to rest at least half his weight on his elbows. GIGGALO - The egg that laid the golden Goose. GIRAFFE PARTY - All neck and tail. GLAMOUR GIRL - a much publicized young thing who is full of oomf, and frequently full of other things; one who doesn't worry about the meat shortage. HORSE SHOW - A lot of horses showing their asses to a lot of horses' asses showing their horses. HUSBAND - What is left after the nerve has been killed. KEPT WOMAN - One who wears mink all day and fox all night. HUNG CHOW - Chinese constipation. A KISS - Upper persuasion for lower invasion; upstairs shopping for downstairs merchandise. LOUSY BASTARD - One who sits and scratches himself while his father and mother are being married. MASTURBATION - A solo played on a private organ. MATERNITY DRESS - A suit with rape shape. METALLURGIST - A man who can look at a platinum blonde and tell whether she is virgin metal or common ore. MINUTE MAN - One who double parks while he visits a sporting house. MORNING - The time of day when the rising generation retires, and the retiring generation arises. MOTHER'S DAY - Nine months after fathers day. MULE BARBECUE - Where everybody gets a piece of ass. NUN - A woman who ain't never had none, don't want none, and ain't going to get none. NURSE - A pan handler. OLD MAID - A woman of uncertain age who ain't never been married nor nothing; a yes girl who has never had a chance to talk. NURSERY - A place to park last years fun until it grows up a bit. OUT DOOR GIRL - One with the bloom of youth on her cheeks and the cheeks of her youth in her bloomers. PAPOOSE - Consolation prize for taking a chance on an Indian blanket. PIMP - A crack salesman; a nookie bookie. PREGNANCY - When a woman is all swelled up from her mate's handywork. PRIVATE SECRETARY - A stenographer who watches her periods. PUPPY LOVE - The beginning of a dog's life. RAPE - Seduction without salesmanship; assault with intent to please. RHUMBA - An asset to music. SIN - Anything the other fellow enjoys and you don't. SISSY - A man who gets out of the bath tub to take a leak. SOB SISTER - A girl who sits in your lap and bawls and makes it hard for you. SPRING FEVER - When the iron in your blood turns to lead in your pencil. STEPINS - A ladies last line of defence; they go on easily but must be coaxed off. STORK - The bird that had none of the fun in bringing the babies. TAXIDERMIST - A man who mounts animals. TOMCAT - A ball bearing mouse trap. TRIPLETS - Taking seriously what was poked at you in fun. UNCANNY - A house without a shit house. UNDERDOG - A bitch. VISE - Anything you enjoy that is bad for you. VIRGINITY - A bubble on the stream of life, one prick and it's gone for ever. VIRGIN WOOL - That from a sheep that can outrun a sheep herder. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ *Home repair prepares one for the pain and suffering of old age. Hammer blows to your thumb and fingers simulate the rheumatoid arthritis of an 80 year old person. Listen to what your body is telling you, and make plans now to sell that house and spend retirement in a low-maintenance abode like an Airstream trailer in Arizona. *Don't waste your time measuring for and setting up compound mitre joints. This is a completely futile effort. Trust in the properties of new "space age" caulks to fill gaps up to 1/2 inch or larger. *Despite manufacturers' advice to the contrary, feel free to paint on the sunny side of the house, since the sun will always be shining on the side you want to paint anyway. The many trees you have placed around your house to shade it somehow never manage to actually shade the area you're working on; they are there simply to fill gutters with leaves. *Be kind to your fellow man, especially those who appear less fortunate. That unshaven, sweaty, grime covered, body odoriferous individual you meet in the lumber yard on Saturday afternoon is actually a do-it-yourself Systems Engineer for NASA Monday through Friday. This fact is confirmed when you see him loading his stuff on top of his 1995 Chevy Suburban SLE 4x4 in the parking lot. *It is impossible to hammer "up". That's why you find yourself working under soffits to replace rusted out staples and nail-gun nails used to build these things in the first place. *Show no preference among stores, since no single store will ever have everything you want or need, for even the simplest of jobs. Also, buy to excess in everything; you'll be back again fer 'sur, and you can return what you don't need then. *Ignore your idle musings--you don't *really* want to be a school teacher, have summers "off", and use this time to pick up extra cash as a house painter. This is because you'll never be able to make money in this line of work at the speed you move. *Radio alone will not sustain you through the day, and despite the abundant diversity in life, all radio stations really only play from a list of 20 songs. Talk shows are no better. Rush Limbaugh could actually *do* something about the national debt if he'd only donate a dollar for every commercial break during his show (G. Gordon Liddy could, too, but he doubtlessly needs his bucks for medication, ammo, and therapy). *When buying ladders, get the absolute cheapest and lowest that will do the job. You won't fee anymore secure 40 feet up on a $200 ladder than you do on the top rung of a $65 ladder. Try not to think about the fact all aluminum ladders appear to be made from recycled pop cans and tin foil. Security is really just a state of mind, anyway, so go ahead and let your mind wander up there. *Do NOT use personal protective equipment. Instead of wearing eye protection when cutting with the circular saw, just close your eyes and turn your face away (if you're not wearing safety glasses, they can't fog up!). Gloves don't protect your skin from callouses; they just change the locations of the callouses you do get. ======================================================== DISCLAIMER: This document is a feeble attempt at humor. If you read it and wish to follow any of my recommended practices, you should probably stop painting with alkyd paints in such confined spaces. ;-) by Tim Ryan, University of Houston. þ QMPro 1.53 þ Do files get embarrassed when you unZIP them? ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Dear [ ] sir [ ] clueless one [ ] twit [ ] great man on campus [ ] madam [ ] dweeb [ ] twerp [ ] comrade [ ] Elvis [ ] moon beam [ ] boor [ ] Obergruppenfuehrer [ ] citoyen [ ] Geek [ ] grad student [ ] cur You are being gently flamed because. [ ] you continued a boring useless stupid thread [ ] you repeatedly posted to the same thread that you just posted to [ ] you repeatedly initiated incoherent, flaky, and mindless threads [ ] you posted a piece riddled with profanities [ ] you advocated Net censorship [ ] you SCREAMED! (used all caps) [ ] you posted some sort of crap that doesn't belong in this group [ ] you posted the inanely stupid 'Make Money Fast' article [ ] you threatened others with physical harm [ ] you made a bigoted statement(s) [ ] you repeatedly assumed unwarranted moral or intellectual superiority [ ] you are under the misapprehension that this group is your preserve [ ] you repeatedly shown lack of humor [ ] you are apparently under compulsion to post to every threat [ ] you are posting an anonymous attack >>> Thank you for the time you have taken to read this. Live n' Learn.<<< ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Fond Flashbacks from REMINISCE....Humor in the News. The Year...1935: In Helena, Montana, a man named Louis Francis, desperate for a way to get out of jail, phones the local sheriff from a prison telephone. "This is Governor Frank Cooney," he tells the sheriff. "You let Louis Francis out now...I just pardoned him." The ploy does not work. After being discharged from his position with a Church of God congregation in Glassboro Lawns, New Jersey, Reverend Davis steals the church (a 14-by-20 foot prefabricated building). Arrested soon after, Reverend Davis refuses to tell police where he's put the church. The Year...1936: In Peoria, Illinois, a man arrested for zigzagging through traffic explains, "My girl got the hiccoughs, and I was trying to scare them out of her." A new York man settles his $1,000 suit against the New York Yankees for $25 (he was hit by a foul ball off the bat of Babe Ruth). The Yankees contended that some might consider it an honor to be hit by the world's home run king. The judge commented, "No doubt, but the plaintiff could not appreciate the honor as he was knocked unconscious." The Year...1944: A laundry in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania accidentally delivers a truckload of diapers (instead of towels) to the Lehigh University football team. In Tracy, California, a carpenter named Hardy Sparrow injures himself when he falls out of a tree. The Year...1949: A Milwaukee, Wisconsin man named Arnold Frankenstein petitioned to have his name changed because people kept phoning his house and asked to speak to the MONSTER. In Joliet, Illinois, a prize-winning safe driver shared his secret of good driving. The trick is to "drive defensively, as if other drivers are dangerous maniacs." Two men in Newark, New Jersey were convicted of bookmaking, despite their claims they were only "turf consultants". The Year...1950: When the police constable of London, Ontario has a collision with another vehicle, he gets out to tell the other driver he intends to press charges. He decides to forget the whole thing after discovering that the driver of the other car is his wife. In Harlan, Kentucky, a man is arrested for breaking INTO the city jail. In Kansas City, Martha Bullard and Noah Paddock, both 71, finally patch things up and marry 49 years after Martha left Noah standing at the altar. A laborer in McAlester, Oklahoma gets a bad bruise when a crate containing 1,000 pairs of safety shoes falls on his foot. The Year...1954: A motorist in Salisbury, Maryland wins a $5 settlement from the State Farm Insurance Company after he reports his parked auto has been severely bitten on the fender by a horse. In Santa Rosa, California, a local minister sends out a mimeographed bulletin with an amusing typographical error. It invites parishioners to stay after services for "a coffee hour in the social hell". The public library in Toledo, Ohio gets back a copy of DAVID CROCKETT: HIS LIFE AND ADVENTURES that was checked out in 1882. Officials decide to forgive the $788 fine. A man in Nashville is picked up on suspicion of auto theft only six hours after his release from prison on a two-year sentence for the same crime. He tells police he was merely "listening to the engine run". ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A New Yorker visiting old Tucson strolled to a blacksmith's shop just after the smithy had placed a red-hot horseshoe on a metal bench. Before he could be warned, the oblivious visitor picked up the shoe, then instantly dropped it. "Are you badly burned?" the concerned blacksmith asked. "Nah," the embarrassed tourist replied. "It just doesn't take me very long to look at a horseshoe." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A fellow went to work one day and was met at the door by his boss. "You're fired, and there may be a summons for your arrest out of this!" the boss exclaimed. The fellow then started to drive home when the steering went out on his car and he ran into a carload of nuns. After the policeman let him go with the collection of tickets, he called his insurance company, only to find out that his wife forgot to send in the premium payment and that his insurance ran out last week. On his way home, he stopped into the bank to get some money and found out that his wife had been there earlier with his best friend and emptied the accounts. After leaving the bank, he was on his way home and saw the fire engines heading down his street. Upon arriving at his house, he discovered that it was indeed his house on fire. The fire chief was sure that it was going to be a total loss. Again, calling the insurance company, he found that the homeowners insurance also had been cancelled. By now the fellow was telling his troubles to the bartender. The bartender said, "You've got the chance of a lifetime. All your obligations are gone and you can start all over. Why don't you take this bucket, go up to Huckleberry Hill, pick huckleberries, and go door to door selling them." Well, this sounded OK to the fellow, so off he went. After picking most of the day he finally had enough berries to sell. At the first house he stopped at the woman said that she would indeed take all his huckleberries but would he mind coming around to the back door. As the fellow got to the back door the woman opened it and was totally nude. (and not hard on the eyes) The fellow just broke down and was weeping hysterically. The woman was quite beside herself and asked what the problem was. The fellow answered "I've lost my job, my car is ruined, my wife ran off with my best friend taking all my money, my house burned down, all my insurance has been cancelled, and now I'm going to be screwed out of my huckleberries." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm. "This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?" The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio broken." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Current news reported in the local paper: RECYCLED IRS TAX FORMS ARE BATHROOM ACCESSORY Covington, Ky. ---- Irate taxpayers who feel dumped on by the IRS can now respond in kind. The Internal Revenue Service center in northern Kentucky has been selling unused income tax forms and other waste paper to be recycled into toilet tissue and other paper products. The IRS has sold more than 2 million pounds of waste paper since the recycling program began more than a year ago. A paper mill turns out paper towels, napkins and toilet tissue. The recycling program has made more than $55,000, recycling coordinator Sue Ahr said Tuesday (5-31-95). ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ You know you've been on-line too long when: ...You think an obituary says a funeral will be followed by the "Internet" in a cemetery. ...Someone says she put on net stockings, and you wonder if they're made out of World Wide Web. ...You ask a friend, "What's that big shiny thing?" He says, "It's the sun. ...You think Webster's Dictionary is a directory of WEB sites. ...You think rec room is a new newsgroup. ...When asked for your address on a form, you put @compuserve.com. ...When using your phone you forget that you don't _have_ to use your keyboard. ...You see a mosaic display at the art gallery and wonder how to access it without a mouse. ...You think Edgar Alan Poe wrote "The Pit and the Pentium." ...Someone slips a disk, and you offer to format him another one. ...You think "intelligent" means a refined computer user. ...Your boss asks you to "go fer" coffee and you come up with 235 FTP sites. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The Schlager Lager Beer Company was experiencing a slump in sales. The Advertising Department suggested a contest to pick a sales-slogan for the beer. Entries were numerous and the judges finally narrowed the choices down to about fifty and could go no further. To pick a slogan and declare a winner, they drew one of the entries from a drum. The winning slogan was "Schlager Lager Beer is like love in a canoe". The Advertising Department and their artists took hold of the slogan and, soon, there were billboards and magazine advertisements proclaiming "Schlager Lager Beer is like love in a canoe". Accompanying the slogan, was a picture of a beautiful girl in a canoe on a moonlit lake with a Six-pack of Schlager Lager Beer and her beau in the background. Sales jumped beyond all expectations and the company hit the big time. Soon, however, letters began arriving wanting to know why Schlager Lager Beer was like love in a canoe. Nobody in the company had the faintest idea of what was behind the slogan. The Advertising Manager contacted the original winner of the contest and received this answer in return: "When you advertised your contest, I was in need of the Ten Thousand Dollars you were offering as a cash prize so I bought a Six-pack of Schlager Lager Beer. "After drinking the entire Six-pack over a period of three days, I concluded Schlager Lager Beer was like love in a canoe because love in a canoe is fucking close to water and that is what your beer is." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles and hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go." The man though for a moment and said... "three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that guy and you were trying to give her back to me!" A good-sized man approached the ticket counter at United Airlines and asked for a reservation from Los Angeles to New York. The clerk knew that the plane was very full with baggage and passengers. "How much do you weigh, Sir?" asked the clerk. "With or without clothes?" the passenger asked. "Well, said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Donavan, while visiting Italy, met a sailor from Venice. Before long they found themselves in a tavern. After several hours of heavy drinking the Italian finally slid under the table. The Irishman staggered to his feet and announced, "I'm the first guy who ever drank a Venetian blind!" During a dark night in Killarney, a group of American tourists huddled in Durty Nellie's pub. A local Irishman sidled up to one of them and proposed a scheme to sell a cure for leprosy. "I'm sorry", the American said, stiffly. "I'm not Irish. I don't believe in leper cons." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A boy was asked what he had done on the weekend. He explained, "Sunday I went to the circus, because one of us kids had to take Dad!" ........ The knife swallower finally solved his cholesterol problem. He stopped swallowing butter knives! ........ A man was desperate for work. He read an ad in which the circus playing the town needed somebody for an important job. After a brief interview as to his character and background, the man was accepted. His job was to put on a tiger's skin and work the tightrope in imitation of a real tiger. During his debut performances, he became frightened and fell into a cage in which a lion pranced. The lion came at him, roaring. The man-tiger tried to roar back, failed to get a sound out, and started to run around the ring. The lion caught up with him after a moment and said, "Don't be such a fraidycat. You're not the only guy who needed a job!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A farmer walked into his attorney's office wanting to file for devorce. The attorney asked "May I help you?" To which the farmer replied "Yea, I want to git one o' those dayvorce thangs." The lawyer said "do you have any grounds?" "Yea" the farmer replied, "I've got 140 acres" "No, I mean do you have a case?" responded the lawyer. "Naw, I ain't got a case, but I got a John Deere" said the farmer. "No, No, No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?" asked the lawyer. "Sure do, that's where I park my John Deere." The lawyer then said "No sir, I mean do you have a suit." To which the farmer replied "Yep, I got a suit that I wear to church every Sunday." The attorney then decided to try a different tack, "Does your wife beat you up or anything?" "Nope" said the farmer, "we both get up around 4:30". The attorney then said "Well is she a nagger or something?" The farmer then perked up and said "Naw, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and thats why I want the dayvorce!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ "FUCK" Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word which just by its sound can describe pain, pleasure, hate, and love. Fuck is derived from the German word "fricken" which means "whoopee". In language "fuck" falls into many grammatical catagories. It can be used as a verb - both transitive (Mike fucked Kelly) and intransitive (Kelly was fucked by Mike). It can be an active verb (Mike really gives a fuck) or a passive verb (Kelly really doesn't give a fuck). Use it as an adverb (Kelly is fucking interested in Mike) or a noun (Kelly is a fine fuck) or an adjective (Kelly is fucking beautiful). How many words are a versatile as fuck? Besides its sexual connotations, this word can be used to describe many different situations, such as: Fraud- I got fucked by the insurance agent. Dismay- Oh, fuck... Trouble- I guess I am fucked now. Aggression- Fuck you! Passion- Let's fuck. Confusion- What the fuck? Difficulty- I don't get this fucking shit! Despair- The IRS fucked me again... Philosophy- Who gives a flying fuck. Incompetence- He's a fuck up. Laziness- He's a fuck off. Displeasure- What the fuck's going on? Rebellion- Aw, fuck it. It can be used anatomically- He's really a fucking asshole. It can be used to tell time- It's five fucking thirty. It can be used in business- How did I get this fucking job? It can be a prediction- Well, I'll be fucked. It can be maternal- He's a mother fucker. It can be incestous- I'll be a mother fucker. It can be nautical- Fuck the Admiral. It can be political- Fuck the President. It can be used to enhance another word's meaning- Fan-fucking-tastic. It can be used to open the door to wonderful relationships- Let's fuck. How can anyone be offended when you say "fuck"? Use it in your daily speech, it adds prestige. Today tell someone "Fuck you." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Two college classmates were friends but also highly competitive, each always trying to outdo or humble the other. They both did well in life...one in the navy...one in the church. The naval man became an admiral, and wore his much-decorated uniform with great pride. The churchman became a bishop and always wore colorful ecclesiastical robes. After they had not seen each other for some years, they happened to meet at the doorway of a fancy hotel in Philadelphia. They recognized each other but did not let on. Instead, the bishop walked over to the admiral, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Pardon me, doorman, but could you please hail me a taxi for the station?" The admiral turned, looked the bishop up and down, and answered very graciously, "Madame, in your condition, do you think you should be traveling?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ OJ Simpson's latest blood test brought good news and bad news ... The good one first : It seems he is innocent And now the bad one : He's got the Ebola Virus New York Times, 6/5/95, p. A10. Joke told recently in Judge Ito's courtroom: One of Mr. Simpson's lawyers approaches his client. "I have some good news and some bad news," he says. "Which do you want to hear first?" "The bad news," Mr. Simpson says. "The bad news is that it is your blood all over the crime scene, that the DNA proves it." "Well, so what's the good news?" Mr. Simpson asks. "The good news is that yor cholesterol is only 130." What is noteworthy is not the joke itself but who was telling it, when and to whom: Much to chagrin of Mr. Simpson's lawyers, it was told by Judge Ito himself to Mr. Cochran, during a break in the trial. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ BTW, as of April 30, the trial had cost Los Angeles County $4,986,167 and was growing at the rate of $1 million a month. If O.J. is retried and can't afford lawyers, they'll have to pay for that, too. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ In the early twenties, three Jews emigrated to the United States. As so often happened in those days, the American immigration officials at Ellis Island simplified their complicated names on the official records. In this case, the three were recorded as Diamond, Gold, and Taylor. Many years later, they met and asked how each of them had done. Diamond: Oh, I've done very well. With my name I started a jewelry store. Right from the start it was successful. Now there are Diamond Jewelers all over the country. Gold: Well, brother Diamond, I, too, have succeeded. Same idea. Gold? So I started the Gold Ornaments Shop. The shop succeeded wonderfully. The branches spread. Now I'm a millionaire. Taylor: With me it wasn't so simple. My name is Taylor, so I started a clothing store. I worked very hard, but it failed. So I started another, but it also failed. My family, they were starving. So what could I do but pray to God. "Oh, Lord," I said, "help me to prosper. Lord, if you do, I'll promise to give you 50 percent of the profits." Diamond and Gold: Well, tell us. Did it work? Taylor: Did it work? You never heard of Lord and Taylor? (Lord and Taylor is a famous women's clothing store.) ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several pretty nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. I asked one nurse what the pin signified. "Nothing," she said with a smile. "It's just to keep the doctors away." *A ham and egg breakfast requires only a small contribution from the chicken, but demands total surrender from the pig. *Because it was cold out, the hen was walking with a capon. *A group of hens went on strike because they were tired of working for chicken feed. *Why do chickens lay their eggs? Because if they dropped them....they'd break. *Why did the chicken cross the road? 1) Because that's where he had parked his coup. 2) It heard that there was a man laying bricks over there and had to see it with his own eyes. 3) Wouldn't you cross the road if people were telling jokes about you? 4) To be poultry in motion. 5) To start a long, long line of really old, stupid jokes. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Bill, Hillary and Al Gore are on a helicopter tour to kick off the campaign season when Hillary finds a hundred dollar bill. She starts to pocket it, but realizing that the press is watching, says, "I have a great idea! Let's throw this out the window and make one person very happy!" Al Gore takes out his wallet and says, "Now that IS a fine idea, but I've got a better one. Give me the hundred. I've got two fifties. I'll throw them out the window and make two people happy!" Bill takes out his wallet and says, "I've got an even better idea than that, Al! Give me the hundred. I have some twenties. I'll throw them out the window and make five people happy!" About this time, the helicopter pilot - a Vietnam vet - leans back and says, "I've got the best idea. Give me back my hundred. I'll throw you three out and make EVERYBODY happy! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Patient: "My teeth don't fit." Doc: "I checked them ten times." Patient: "They don't fit." Doc: "All right, put them in your mouth and I'll look." Patient: "In my mouth they're fine. They don't fit in my glass! ........ Pete wouldn't mind being a dentist sometimes. He could tell a woman to shut her mouth and get away with it. ........ An orthodontist is a guy who braces the kids and straps the parents. ........ A dentist married a manicurist. They keep fighting tooth and nail! ........ She has so much bridgework, a man pays a toll to kiss her. ........ The local dentist doesn't even have an X-ray machine. Instead, on a sunny day you come in and stand against the window! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A confirmed bachelor finally married and his friends were quite happy for him. However, when they learned the name of the the woman he married, they were surprised because she was known to have a terrible disposition and to be argumentative. When his friends asked why he picked this particular woman, he replied, "I did it for penance. I had too many years drinking and whopping it up and such. I was afraid I'd not get into heaven unless I had some sufferin' here on earth. And my wife, living up to her reputation, sure is bringin' it to me!" The husband's conversation was repeated by the town's gossip to his wife. The result being that the wife blew her stack, saying she'd not be the means to get him into heaven...no way!!! Hard to believe, but the wife turned herself around and became a wonderfully sweet-tempered, kind and considerate woman...a real genuine model wife! Now THAT'S getting even! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ This is how BARNEY THE DINOSAUR would probably be described in AD&D terms: Barney (Major Demon) ============================================================================ CLIMATE/TERRAIN: Nine Hells, Gehenna, Hades, The Abyss, PBS FREQUENCY: Very rare or daily at 4 pm ORGANIZATION: Solitary ACTIVITY CYCLE: Day DIET: Little children's minds INTELLIGENCE: Insipid (-12) TREASURE: Merchandising contracts ALIGNMENT: Purple evil --------------------------------------------------------------------------- NO. APPEARING: 1 (may be attended by 1-100 Barney zombies) ARMOR CLASS: 10 (big and plush) MOVEMENT: 3 HIT DICE: 8 THAC0: 12 NO. OF ATTACKS: 2 DAMAGE/ATTACK: 1-10 (x2) SPECIAL ATTACKS: Hug (damage 3-30) SPECIAL DEFENSES: Aura of intolerable idiocy MAGIC RESISTANCE: 90% SIZE: L (8' tall) MORALE: Stupid (30) XP VALUE: 4,000 Barney is a demon from the lower planes, a great purple and plush deformed dinosaur. It is the enemy of intelligent lifeforms, eternally seeking out small children and feeding on their natural intelligence and curiousity. Combat: Barney will normally attack with it's two great paws, each inflicting 1-20 points of damage. If a victim is struck with either paw and fails a saving throw versus paralyzation, they are dragged to Barney and may be hugged next round. A hug inflicts 3-30 points of damage each round until the victim or Barney is killed. Barney may also utter a 'Power word I love you' once every three rounds. Any adults hearing the power word must save versus spells or flee in terror for 1-6 rounds. Any child hearing the power word must save versus spells or be controlled by Barney. He or she will thereafter follow Barney's commands with a delightful smile, and is subject to continued brainwashing. Each day that a child is in Barney's control they may be taught another lesson by Barney, decreasing their intelligence and wisdom by 1. When either stat reaches zero, the child becomes a mindless Barney zombie! Barney zombies follow his commands with love and a delightful smile, and eagerly spend gold coins on Barney merchandise. Barney is constantly surrounded by an aura of intolerable idiocy. Any individual within 20' must save versus spells once per round or lose 1 point of intelligence. When intelligence reaches zero, the victim falls to the ground in a quivering, gibbering wreck. Intelligence may be regained at the rate of 1 point per day afterwards. In addition, the aura tends to make spells go awry, tactics to fail, and mundane items to become intelligent with their own insipid personalities. Habitat/Society: Barney resides in a great temple and television studio on the lowest plane of the Abyss, with areas extending into every lower plane and prime material plane via transdimensional gates. He is constantly surrounded there by 1-100 Barney zombies clutching plush dolls and lollipops, which they may use as +2 maces in combat. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ It's an unseasonably cold day in Dallas. Two priests who are visiting town for a priests convention are walking and since they did not bring overcoats, they decide to buy a couple. They go into Nieman-Marcus and ask the clerk for two black overcoats. The clerk explains that it's the off season for overcoats, but he'll take a look. All he can find are two navy blue coats of the proper size. He tells his manager and the manager says, "Hell, sell them the blue coats. On a day like this, they won't be able to tell the difference." The clerk does. The priests are walking again and looking at their new coats. The coats just don't seem to look right. They pass two nuns and one of the priests asks a nun to hold up the sleeve of her black habit so he can compare the color. She does. As the nuns are walking away, one of them says to the other, "Isn't it nice to hear a priest speak Latin in this modern age. I wish I knew what he said." The other nun asked her what it sounded like. The first nun replied, "It sounded like he said, 'Nieman-Marcus fucked us.'" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Truth is stranger than fiction. And oddly, it has proven to weigh several pounds less than fiction. Go figure. These are real, true life, ripped from real newspapers, actual, verifiable new stories: The frozen pizza plant opened by Jenos, Inc., in Wellston, Ohio, in 1982 was welcomed by townspeople, in that it employed 1,000 people, but less than a year later, the plant had generated over 400,000 pounds of pizza sludge (flour, tomato paste, cheese, pepperoni, etc.) that could not be accommodated by the sewage system. Environmental experts said it could not be buried, either, for fear it would "move" in the ground once placed there. ........ University of Wisconsin entomology professor Gene DeFoliart announced he was developing edible snack items made of insects. He said the most flavorful is the "greater was moth" larvae, dropped into a deep-fat fryer for 45 seconds and then salted. He added that insects, unlike many popular snack items, are nutritious, high in minerals and vitamins. ........ Mackie International withdrew its Chilly Bang! Bang! Juice snack package from the market after complaints from at least two state agencies. The Santa Fe Springs, California, company had developed a pistol-shaped package that allowed children to drink the juice by holding the barrel in their mouths and squeezing a trigger. ........ The Hasbro toy company withdrew its decision to market its "Zartan the Enemy" soldier doll as a "paranoid schizophrenic" that gets violent. Several mental health organizations had complained that the marketing was in poor taste and misrepresentative mental illnesses. A Hasbro vice-president apologized. ........ Five people were accused in 1988 of trafficking in corneas supplied from at least forty-seven corpses, selling them to customers as far away as Saudi Arabia. Doctors supplying the comeas assumed they were going to a Florida tissue bank, but they were then resold for prices of up to $650 each. ........ The best-performing British exports, according to a contest in 1975, were the spaghetti the Great Yarmouth company sold to Italy and the chow mein sold by Birkenhead to Hong Kong. The pre-fab huts sold to Outer Mongolia and the tom-toms sold to several African nations by smaller companies were two other leading exports. ........ A 37-year-old New York boat mechanic was convicted of the 1980 murder of a Long Island man and sentenced to life in prison. The jury did not accept his explanation that he stabbed his victim seventy-two times and ran over him with a car in "self-defense." ........ Administrative law Judge Robert Kendall refused to order the all-male Bohemian Club (which counts among its members ex-presidents of the United States as well as corporate executives) to hire female employees at its exclusive retreat. Kendall found that the club did discriminate against women but that it had a "legitimate defense" in that the club members "urinate in the open without even the use of rudimentary toilet facilities" and that a woman's presence would "alter" their behavior. ........ A Mountain View, California, teenager turned her parents in for cocaine use, saying that she used it on four occasions with them and that her father showed her how to smoke crack. The father said that he wanted his daughter "to be exposed to it at home." ........ Irish palmist Patrick Cullen died at the age of 69 in 1980. Cullen spent the 1970's developing the practice of Mammarism, or "chest clairvoyance." He claimed to be able to read a female client's future by painting her breasts and pressing them against a sheet of paper to get an imprint which he could then study. ........ Stopped by Massachusetts State Police for driving his car at 120 mph, John Rosano II, 23, explained that he had just purchased a roast beef sandwich and that he had to get home to eat it before it got cold. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary, System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor, Longing for the warmth of bedsheets, Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets: Having reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the drawer. Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command But got instead a reprimand: It read "Abort, Retry, Ignore". Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion? These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before. Carefully, I weighed my options. These three seemed to be the top ones. Clearly, I must now adopt one.... Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore". With my fingers pale and trembling, Slowly toward the keyboard bending, Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored, Praying for some guarantee Finally I pressed a key.... But on the screen what did I see? Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore". I tried to catch the chips off-guard.... I pressed again, but twice as hard. Luck was just not in the cards, I saw what I had seen before. Now I typed in desperation, Trying random combinations. Still there came the incantation.... Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore". There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted; Getting up, I turned away and paced across the office floor. And then I saw an awful sight, A bold and blinding flash of light, A lightning bolt that cut the night and shook me to my very core. The PC screen collapsed an died, "Oh no....my database", I cried. I thought I heard a voice reply, "You'll see your data....Nevermore!" To this day I do not know The place to which our data goes. Perhaps it goes to Heaven where the angels have it stored. But as for productivity....well, I fear it has gone straight to H*ll. And that's the tale I have to tell.... Your choice: "Abort, Retry, Ignore". Author Unknown ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A professor of Modern English Literature was teaching a class at the university, in which he had just concluded three weeks of lectures on science fiction. He had assigned readings by some of the best of the genre, and had lead some fascinating and in-depth discussions with his students on the works of Herbert, Asimov, Clarke, Wells, and several other noted authors of science fiction, even Douglas Adams. To conclude the course's segment on science fiction he assigned the class a paper, on any topic they wished having to do with science fiction. The next week, after the papers had been turned in, the professor was grading them and came across this paper: There once was an Israeli border guard named Issac. Across the border from Issac, Abdul, a Arab border guard, had his post. One night, Abdul snuck over the border and killed Issac. When Issac's commander found out what had transpired the previous night, he was furious, and the next night, he and his squad staged a raid in which several Arab border guards, including Abdul, were killed. This, of course lead to Arab reprisals, which in turn lead to Israeli reprisals, which in turn...ad infinitum. Eventually, the Arabs and Israelis were at war. Well, the professor read this paper, and being utterly confused, reread it, shook his head in disgust, and wrote a large "F" on it, in red ink, and then moved on to the next paper. The next day, at the end of class, he handed back the papers, and as he was preparing to leave, the student who received the "F" approached and asked to speak with the professor. "I don't understand why you didn't like my paper," the student said. "It's very simple," the professor replied. "You were assigned to write a paper on science fiction. This paper has nothing whatsoever to do with the assigned subject." "I must disagree," said the student. "I think that my paper examined the very basis of Zion's Friction." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Sign in wallpaper and paint store: "Husbands choosing colors must have note from wives." Sign in a self-service elevator: Eighth Floor Button Out of Order. Please Push Three and Five Instead. Sign on a Scottish golf course: Members will refrain from picking up lost balls until they have stopped rolling. Found on a freshman's registration card: Name of parents: Mamma and Papa. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Barney is a "Cute Purple Dinosaur" If you latinize this phrase slightly, by changing the 'u's to 'v's you get: "Cvte Pvrple Dinosavr". If you take the Roman numerals out of this you get: C V V L D I V 100 + 5 + 5 + 50 +500 +1 + 5 = 666 the number of the Beast. ... 10,000 ants dressed as rice & robbed a Chinese restaurant ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ...How famous philosophers would answer that important question: WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? Freud: Sometimes, a road is just a road. Rene Descartes: I cross, therefore, I am. Blaise Pascal: The chicken's heart has its reasons, which reason knows nothing of. Miguel de Cervantes: He wished to joust against a giant, which turned out to be a windmill in disguise. William Shakespeare: To cross or not to cross, that is the question. John Milton: Better to reign on the other side of the road than serve on this side of the road. Hillel: If the chicken does not cross the road, then who will cross it for him? And if not now, when? The staff work: I didn't do it. -OR- Chicken? I think that's in Section 23. Marquis de Sade (In the present day): So I wouldn't have to swerve to run it over. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Fred and Madeline arrived on their cruise ship for their carribean cruise when they realized they did not have any Dramamine. Dramamine, of course, is a drug that helps combat motion sickness. Fred went downstairs to the ship pharmacy to pick some up. Apparently a lot of others forgot theirs too, because there was a line. While in line, a young bridegroom on his honeymoon admitted to Fred he was sent down by his wife to fill a prescription for the pill. Never having done this, he was nervous and even embarrassed. Fred advised the young man to ask for Dramamine and the pill. That way, it's just part of a list, since everyone is here for Dramamine. When it came the young man's turn, he asked the pharmacist for Dramamine and a supply of birth control pills. Without missing a beat, the pharmacist looked at the young groom and said, "If it makes you sick, why do you do it?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ If Dr. Seuss Were a Computer Jockey Here's an easy game to play. Here's an easy thing to say: If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report! If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash! You can't say this? What a shame sir! We'll find you Another game sir. If the label on the cable on the table at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ >>> IF OPERATING SYSTEMS RAN AIRLINES <<< Author Unknown """"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" DOS Airline Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then jump on """""""""""" and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again, then push again, jump on again and so on. DOS with QEMM Airline The same thing but with more leg room to push. """"""""""""""""""""" The MACintosh Airline All the stewards, stewardesses, captains, baggage """"""""""""""""""""" handlers, and ticket agents look the same, act the same, and talk the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without you having to know, so just shut up. The OS/2 Airline To board the plane, you have your ticket stamped ten """""""""""""""" different times by standing in ten different lines. Then you fill out a form showing where you want to sit and whether it should look and feel like an ocean liner, a passenger train, or a bus. If you succeed in getting on board the plane and the plane succeeds in getting off the ground, you have a wonderful trip...except for the times when the rudder and flaps get frozen in position, in which case you have time to say your prayers and get yourself prepared before the crash. The WINDOWS Airline The airport terminal is nice and colorful, with """"""""""""""""""" friendly stewards and stewardesses, easy access to the plane, an uneventful takeoff...then BOOM! the plane blows up without any warning whatsoever and you're dead. The WINDOWS NT Airline Everyone marches out on the runway, say the """""""""""""""""""""" password in unison, and form the outline of an airplane. Then they all sit down and make a whooshing sound like they're flying. The UNIX Airline Everyone brings one piece of the plane with them when """""""""""""""" they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they're building. The ATARI Airline No one knows where the ticket agents are or the """"""""""""""""" terminal is. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ All in a day's work at the Support Center for the world's easiest-to-use computer. -------- Subject: Calls of the Day - June 6, 1995 ____________________________________________________________________________ Had a customer [who kept getting an error type 41 message]. Customer wanted to know what was wrong because he was typing "41" and still couldn't get the dialog box off his computer. ____________________________________________________________________________ * Caller: I have a floppy disk in my machine but I can't seem to open a file on the disk . * Agent: (after walking customer back to Desktop) Can you see your floppy disk icon? * Caller: No but I know its in the machine because I can see it. * Agent: (pause) How do mean you can see it? * Caller: The floppy is sticking out of the hole...but it's definitely in the machine. ____________________________________________________________________________ Customer calling about setting up file sharing between his Mac SE and PowerBook 520c: * Caller: I have the computers connected but they won't see each other. * Agent: Are you using a LocalTalk cable plugged into the printer ports? * Caller: Umm.... I have a cable hooking the two together. I took it from my Keyboard. * Agent: You have your Keyboard plugged into the PowerBook? * Caller: No, I have the cable from my Keyboard connecting the PowerBook and the SE, and they will still not see each other!! ____________________________________________________________________________ I was assisting a customer with her new PowerBook 520. Early in the call she indicated to me that she had to get on the floor for a moment. I didn't think too much of it, but later when I asked her to open her Chooser and she told me again that she needed to get on the floor - I was curious. She told me she had to get down on the floor in order to be able to see the screen. I asked hesitantly, "Can you tilt the display back so that you can see it easier? After a very quiet moment she answered, "WOW!" ____________________________________________________________________________ The caller wanted training in her area and was having trouble finding a [local training provider]. During the course of locating a training provider for her she asked me if I could provide the training personally. I told her that I was in California and it would be a little difficult for me to come to Florida to do so. Her response was 'Well, I work in a topless bar and use the computer there. Is that a good incentive to make the trip?" ____________________________________________________________________________ Lady from New York called and gave me family number from her keyboard, which turned out to be the original Extended Keyboard. Then I asked her what kind of computer she wanted to plug it into. * Caller: One of my friends gave me an ImageWriter printer and this keyboard. He said he gave me all the cables, but I can't figure out how to connect them. Am I missing something? * Agent: Well, a computer would help. * Caller: You mean this keyboard isn't a word processor? * Agent: (Gently): No M' am, its just an input device? * Caller: Then I need to buy a computer, right? * Agent: Yes. * Caller: Do you think I'll need a monitor, too? This went on for a couple of minutes, then I... convinced her she needs a Performa, with everything bundled and ready to go. She liked that idea. ____________________________________________________________________________ * Caller: I just got a Performa 6115 and my CD drawer doesn't work. * Agent: What do you mean by "doesn't work?" * Caller: The drawer doesn't open. * Agent: Alright, sir. Would you please hit the little button that's right below the CD door. * Caller: This little one? Right next to the CD drawer? * Agent: Yes. * Caller: Nothing happens. * Agent: Okay, sir. Could I get you to turn the power on? * Caller: Okay. * Agent: (After hearing the startup chime) Would hit the button now, please? * Caller: Hey! You mean it has to be on in order to open? ____________________________________________________________________________ I was helping a customer disconnect peripherals from the back of her machine. I asked her to tell me what was plugged into the back of her computer. * Agent: Ok, what do you have connected to the back of your computer? * Caller: I have a printer, a modem and the system 7 module. * Agent: Excuse me, but could you repeat the last item? * Caller: The system 7 module. * Agent: The System 7 What? * Caller: It's the module to upgrade the system to 7.5. * Agent: ...and it plugs into the back of your computer? * Caller: Yes. * Agent: Does this "Module" plug into anything else? * Caller: It plugs into the wall outlet. * Agent: M' am, that's the power cord. * Caller: No, I can see the power cord, and this module is plugged in right next to it. * Agent: M' am, there is no such thing as a System 7 module. * Caller: Oh My goodness, I'm sorry, I forgot. Its the power supply to the HyperCard. * Agent: M' am, HyperCard does not have a separate power supply. Would you mind following the cord from the outlet until you find what it plugs into. * Caller: OK. * Agent: (waiting for more than 10 minutes). * Caller: It hooks into the printer. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ You know you're a redneck if your car window is a Hefty bag. You know you're a redneck if Red Man chewing tobacco sent you a Christmas card. You know you're a redneck if your family tree does not fork. You know you're a redneck if the primary color of your car is 'bondo'. You know you're a redneck if you have a rag as a gas-cap. You know you're a redneck if in your wedding picture, you had a toothpick in your mouth. You know you're a redneck if you consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper quality entertainment. You know you're a redneck if your idea of literature is the TV-Guide. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Worf: Shoot it. Picard: Let's talk to it. Riker: Screw it. Data: I do not understand it. Geordi: I can fix it. Q: I could do it better. Borg: Assimilate it. Kirk: Has anyone seen my hair? ------------------------------------------------------------------------- You know you're a redneck if your belt buckle is bigger than your wife's head. You know you're a redneck if directions to your house include: and then you turn off the paved road... You know you're a redneck if going to the bathroom at night involves putting on your shoes and carrying a flashlight. You know you're a redneck if people ask to hunt in your front yard. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- My doctor gives X-rays for any complaint. If you have a cough, he'll X-ray your throat; a cramp calls for a body X-ray. I was in his office the other day and I saw a nude man in his X-ray room. I said, "What's the matter with you?" The nude man said, "I don't know. I just came in to drop off the mail." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Many many years ago when I was twenty three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be. This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife. To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy, I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy. My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad. For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my step-mother. Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son. My wife is now my mother's mother And it makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, She's my grandmother too. If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild. For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- You know you're a redneck if your most successful pick-up line is, "Hey Baby, nice tooth!" You know you're a redneck if your daughter gets married and all the wedding guests sit on the same side of the church. You know you're on the phone with a redneck when he says... "Hold on a second, I'll get my computer guy... HEY, BUBBA!" You Know that You might be a redneck if... You've ever cut your grass and found a car. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't. You own a homemade fur coat. You burn your front yard instead of mow it. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath." You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen. When describing your kids, you use the phrase "dumb as a brick." Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest. Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos." You've ever given rat traps as a gift. You always answer the front door with a baseball bat in your hand. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool. Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list. You've never paid for a haircut. There is a wasp nest in your living room. The taillight covers on your car are made of tape. Your car has never had a full tank of gas. You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home. You have every episode of "Hee-Haw" on tape. Your kid takes a siphon hose to "Show & Tell." You've ever bought a used cap. Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers." You've ever shot a deer from inside your house. Your primary source of income is the pawn shop. Your wife's best shoes have steel toes. You can entertain yourself for more than 1 hour with a fly swatter. You've ever stolen toilet paper. Your baby's favorite teething ring is a garden hose. Your pocket knife has ever been refered to as "Exhibit A." Your wife ever burned out an electric razor. You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer. Your Xmas cards include a Xerox copy of your butt. Your bumper stick says "My other car is a combine." Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse. You prefer car keys to Q-tips. People are scared to touch your bathrobe. You list your parole officer as a reference. Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- You know you're a redneck when people see your porch and think you're having a yard sale. You know you're a redneck if your sister stands you up for a date to go out with your Dad! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A father had a problem with his 10 year old son, who would bet on anything. In fact, the father lost over $1000 over the summer vacation to his son. Unable to stop him, the father decided to enlist the aid of the school teacher to stop his son's gambling habit. On the first day, the teacher, a buxom young blonde, asked little Johnny to stay after school. After school, the teacher approached Johnny. "I hear you like to gamble." she said. "Yes ma'am." "Well, I don't like gambling in my classroom. I'll make one bet with you now. If you win, you can bet all you want in my class this year. If you lose, no betting. Deal?" Johnny thought a moment and said, "OK. I'll bet you your pussy hairs are really red." Knowing the truth, she took the bet. "Prove it." said Johnny. Summarily, she hoisted her skirt and dropped her panties, revealing a natural blonde bush. "How do I know it ain't dyed?" asked Johnny. "Take a closer look." she said. Johnny got right up to the teacher's mound and ran his fingers through the mound. Satisfied, he admitted defeat and left for home. Triumphant, the teacher called Johnny's father and told him what she had done. "You stupid bitch!" he cried. "What's wrong?" she asked. "Johnny bet me $1000 he'd see your pussy and $5000 he'd actually touch it!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ WEDDINGS! I hate going to weddings. On my Birthday this year my wife and I got a formal invitation to one of her friends wedding. We had to get to the church by 2p.m and my wife pissed me off so bad because she took almost 2 hrs to beautify her face. She have to make sure that the lipstick matches her dress, she have to make sure that her hair is well done, She have to make sure her shoes matches her dress and every living thing on this planet have to match. I was just getting more and more pissed off waiting for her to get ready for us to get to the church. Anyway at 1:45p.m she was dressed and ready to go to the church. The thing I hate most about weddings is that everyone pays all the attention to the bride and the groom stands there like a big retard in his penguin outfit. I decided that I would not stand up when the bride is going down the Alter but I would stand up for the groom. The reason why I decided not to stand up for the bride is because the bride is only 22 years old and have a bad reputation and not to mention she had been already ridden about 50 furlongs by some of the young men in the city. I also had a chance to take a few laps myself but it was that time of the month and I was out of luck that day. Finally the wedding is about to begin. Tension in the air the bride's mother and the groom's mother started crying and everyone is so tense as if it's doomsday. Well the groom started walking down the isles and I stand up and payed my attention to the groom. Finally that tramp the Bride started walking down the isles and everyone of those Idiots in the church stand up and payed their respect to the bride only myself as the exception. The Minister started doing his usual bullshit and I could not resist but to get a good laugh at the groom who thought that he really got a young Virgin. Finally the Minister ask the bride "If she would take this man to be her husband to love and Cherish until death do them Path" The Bride then Said "I DO" I then said very softly around the table "I WONDER WITH WHO" Well my wife was so pissed off with me she kicked me so hard under the table and bruise my Ankles. By saying I WONDER WITH WHO almost broke up the wedding because some of the young men that rode a few Furlongs before her new husband started laughing at the Groom and wondering what an Idiot he was to marry a tramp like that. I myself felt like just holding the groom by his tie and choke him to death. In Closing: The only thing I like about weddings is the Honeymoon after. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ : Are You a Guy? : Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient : 1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, : and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of : intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but : incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all : disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out : hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and : violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to: : a. Present it to the president of the United States. : b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations. : c. Take it apart. : 2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do : you miss the most? : a. Innocence. : b. Idealism. : c. Cherry bombs. : 3. When is it okay to kiss another male? : a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without : regard for narrow-minded social conventions. : b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.) : c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the : only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business : reasons, you have to have him killed. : 4. What about hugging another male? : a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal : disease. : b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this : case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food : trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!") : c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits : a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that : (1) He is legally within the basepath, (2) Both of you are wear- : ing protective cups, and (3) You also pound him fraternally with : your fist hard enough to cause fractures. : 5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to... : a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones. : b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life. : c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and : cancer. : 6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is: : a. A cat. : b. A dog. : c. A dog that eats cats. : 7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's : attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. : One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy-- : you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers--when : she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she : thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the : uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She : says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only : whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. : What do you say? : a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, : but you don't want to rush it. : b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you : cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a : lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out : false hope. : c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third : and seventeen. : 8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you : want to spend the rest of your life with her-sharing the joys and : the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the : adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come : what may. How do you tell her? : a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner. : b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her : name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her : hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her. : c. Tell her what? : 9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks : you to get your three children ready for school. Your first : question to her is: : a. "Do they need to eat or anything?" : b. "They're in school already?" : c. "There are three of them?" : 10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear? : a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new : holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally : intended for your legs. : b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules : and has to be handled with tweezers. : c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy : checks the garbage regularly in case somebody--and we are not : naming names, but this would be his wife--is quietly trying to : discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because : the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than : with her. : 11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for : the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for : forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land? : a. He was being tested. : b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when : they finally got there. : c. He refused to ask directions. : 12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement? : a. Democracy. : b. Religion. : c. Remote control. : How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked : answer "c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In : fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would get : the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy : who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ It seems that Bill and Hillary Clinton were at a baseball game. The game was about to start when one of the Secret Service agents whispered something in Bill's ear. Bill looks at the agent very strangely, shrugs his shoulders, grabs Hillary by the scruff of the neck, and the belt, and tosses her over the fence onto the playing field. The agent looks shocked and says to the President: "No, no, Mr President! I said you had to throw out the first PITCH!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ CEO (Chief Executive Officer) A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said. Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press - and Wall Street - responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Guy goes into a bar, obviously depressed. He orders a few shots and sits at the bar looking miserable. The bartender comes up and asks, "Say, what's wrong chum?" The guy says, "I went home early today and caught my wife having sex with my best friend." "Geez, what did you do to your wife?" "I told her to pack her bags and get the hell out!" "What did you do to your best friend?" "I went up to him and said BAD BAD BAD dog!!!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A surgeon was discussing a case with a class of medical students. "The muscle in the patient's right leg has contracted to the point that it is shorter than the same muscle in the other leg. Therefore, the patient limps." Pointing to one of the students, he asked, "What would you do in such a circumstance?" The student replied, "I'd limp too." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ For your viewing pleasure ... DISCLAIMER: This humor does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself, my company, my friends, my dog, parrot, canary or my cat; don't quote me on that; don't quote me on anything; all rights reserved; you may distribute this posting freely but you may not make a profit from it; taglines are subject to change without notice; taglines are slightly enlarged to show detail; any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and purely coincidental; do not remove this tagline under penalty of law; hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat; do not bend, fold, mutilate, or spindle; your mileage may vary; no substitutions allowed; for a limited time only; this offer is void where prohibited, taxed, or otherwise restricted; caveat emptor; product is provided "as is" without any warranties; user assumes full responsibility; an equal opportunity tagline employer; no shoes, no shirt, no taglines; quantities are limited while supplies last; if any defects are discovered, do not attempt to fix them yourself, but return to an authorized service center; read at your own risk; parental advisory - explicit lyrics; text may contain explicit materials some readers may find objectionable, parental guidance is advised; keep away from sunlight; keep away from pets and small children; limit one-per-family please; no money down; no purchase necessary; you need not be present to win; some assembly required; batteries not included; instructions are included; action figures sold separately; no preservatives added; slippery when wet; safety goggles may be required during use; sealed for your protection, do not use if safety seal is broken; call before you dig; not liable for damages arising from use or misuse; for external use only; if rash, irritation, redness, or swelling develops, discontinue use; use only with proper ventilation; avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool dry place; keep away from open flames; avoid contact with eyes and skin and avoid inhaling fumes; do not puncture, incinerate, or store above 120 degrees Fahrenheit; do not place near a flammable or magnetic source; smoking these taglines could be hazardous to your health; the best safeguard, second only to abstinence, is the use of a condom; no salt, MSG, artificial color or flavoring added; if ingested, do not induce vomiting, and if symptoms persist, consult a physician; taglines are ribbed for your pleasure; possible penalties for early withdrawal; offer valid only at participating Usenet sites; slightly higher west of the Rockies; allow four to six weeks for delivery; must be 18 to enter; disclaimer does not cover misuse, accident, lightning, flood, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, earthquake, hurricanes and other Acts of God, neglect, damage from improper installation, incorrect line voltage, improper or unauthorized repair, broken antenna or marred cabinet, missing or altered serial numbers, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, sonic boom vibrations, customer adjustments that are not covered in the tagline list, and incidents owing to an airplane crash, ship sinking or taking on water, motor vehicle crashing, dropping the item, falling rocks, leaky roof, broken glass, mud slides, forest fire, or projectile (which can include, but not be limited to, arrows, bullets, shot, BB's, shrapnel, lasers, napalm, torpedoes, or emissions of X-rays, Alpha, Beta and Gamma rays, knives, stones, etc.); other restrictions may apply. If something offends you, lighten up, get a life, and move on. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Subject: Is Windows a Virus? Date: Monday, June 12, 1995 10:05AM ---------- McAfee-Question : Is Windows a virus ? No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do: 1. They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that. 2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that. 3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too. 4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too. 5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too. Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So Windows is not a virus. It's a bug !!! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Microsoft acquires Microsoft Acquires by Joshua Goodman REDMOND WASHINGTON (AP) -- MICROSOFT announced that it, like thousand of computer users everywhere, was tired of spoofs of Microsoft Acquires. Users of the internet have been bombarded in recent months by spoof announcements of "Microsoft Acquires." Recent announcements have included Microsoft acquiring Christmas, the year 1995, and the Vatican. Therefore, Microsoft spokesmen announced today that they had acquired the rights to all further "Microsoft Acquires" announcements. Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates said, during a brief appearance at the announcement, "Everytime someone puts one of those d_mned 'Microsoft Announces' spoofs on the net, 300 people forward it to me. This should put a stop to that. And really, they're not that funny. They're just not." Industry analysts had mixed reviews. One analyst Martin Sierpinsky, believed that the effect of this latest announcement would be minimal. "Spoof writers will simply switch to another topic, such as 'IBM lays off elves' or something." But another industry analyst, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said "This spells the end of competition in humor about Microsoft. Microsoft will now control the entire Microsoft Humor niche. They probably see this as a foothold into the Computer Humor market. I think they will next attempt to acquire exclusive rights to the Hackers Dictionary." David Wiborg said "I don't think it's that significant. I think the 'Microsoft Acquires' thing was just a fad. In fact, a recent Gallop poll of 'Rec.humor.funny' readers ranked 'Microsoft Acquires' jokes above Mouse Balls, but below Iraqi Driver's Ed." Microsoft stock closed up 3/8 of a point yesterday on heavy trading. * Qwkit 1.0b * MPC is just CP/M spelled backwards ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Note: To get an understanding of this joke, you need to understand the grading system used in the schools and universities of the Former Soviet Union. Grades may be from 1 to 5, with 5 being the best. The choice of a grade is extremely subjective, and is almost entirely based upon the performance of a student during a short oral exam, arranged in the teacher/professor's office. For this reason, many students fear these exams. A particular professor had a reputation of never giving out fives. Even if a student answered every question correctly, he would come up with some kind of oddball question that the student couldn't possibly know. After one student gave an exam that was truly worthy of a 5, he asked "Very good, but you will get a five only if you can correctly answer this question: How many lightbulbs are there in this room?" The student looked around the room, counted every lightbulb he could see, and said, "Eight." The professor then proceded to open his desk, and removed a lightbulb. "Wrong! There are nine! You get a 4 on your exam." The student, disappointed, and a little bit disgruntled left. (Could you blame him?) Another student, later on, came in to take an exam, and answered every question correctly, just like the first student. The professor asked, "You will get a five only if you can correctly answer this question: How many lightbulbs are there in this room?" The student carefully counted all eight lightbulbs in the room and answered, "Nine!" The professor looked a bit shocked for a moment, but then answered, "No, there are only eight. You get a fou--" The student immediately pulled a lightbulb out from his backpack, and interrupted, "Here's the ninth! I get a five..." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ