컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 栢� 栢� 栢芳 栢芳 栢栢芳 栢� 栢� 栢栢栢� 栢栢芳 栢� 栢� 栢栢� 栢栢� 栢�袴栢� 栢� 栢� 栢�谷栢芳 栢�袴栢� 栢栢栢舫 栢栢芳 栢�栢栢�栢� 栢栢栢舫 栢� 栢� 栢붜排栢� 휩栢栢�� 栢�袴栢� 훤袴暠 栢뵌栢�송舫 栢�袴栢� 栢� 栢� 栢栢�송舫 栢�袴栢� 栢� 栢� 栢� 훤� 栢� 栢� 栢� 栢� 栢栢栢芳 휩栢栢排� 휩栢栢�� 훤� 훤� 훤� 훤� 훤� 훤� 훤� 훤袴袴暠 훤袴袴� 훤袴暠 Here we go, more jokes and other funnies as saved from recent mail packets. As usual, just the best humour has been saved in no particular order but at least formatted to print nicely on any 66-line per page printer. I will not be held accountable for any jokes you might find offensive! Of course, these joke libraries are available at 旼컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴커 � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 � � The HMVH Corporation � 읕컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴켸 Bulletin Board System [+27 11] (011) 941-1341 USR V.34/V.fc (24 Hours) 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Here are some more elephant jokes: Q: What do you call an elephant with a machine gun? A: Sir. == Q: What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress? A: Anything you want, it can't hear you. == Q: What is grey and not there. A: No elephants. == Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant? A: With a blue elephant gun, of course. == Q: How do you shoot a red elephant? A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun. == Q: How do you shoot a green elephant? A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun. == Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant? A: Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!! == Q: Why are elephants wrinkled? A: Have you ever tried to iron one? == Q: How does an elephant hide in the jungle? A: He paints his balls red and sits in a cherry tree. == Q: Why do elephants paint their nuts red? A: So they can hide in cherry trees. == Q: What's the loudest noise in the jungle? A: A native eating cherries. == Q: How did Tarzan die? A: Picking cherries. == Q: What's the fastest thing in the jungle? A: A monkey carrying a bunch of cherries. == Q: How do you get an elephant to sit on a cherry tree? A: Plant a seed and let the elephant stand on it. == Q: How does an elephant get down from a cherry tree? A: It doesn't, it gets down from a duck. == Q: How do you get an elephant out of a tree? A: Stand it on a leaf and wait 'till autumn (or wait for parachute practice.) == Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet? A: So they can jump up in trees and rape monkeys. == Q: What sound do monkeys hate most? A: Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg... == Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree? A: Because it was dead. == Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree? A: It was glued to the first one. == Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree? A: It thought it was a game. == Q: And why did the tree fall down? A: It thought it was an elephant. == Q: Why did the elephant cross the road? A: Chicken's day off. == Q: What was the elephant doing on the motorway? A: About 5 mph (8kph in the rest of the world) == Q: How do you know if you pass an elephant? A: You can't get the toilet seat down. == Q: How do you get an elephant into a VW? A: Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door. == Q: What's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in a VW bug? A: Getting an elephant pregnant in a VW bug. == Q: How do you put an elephant into a fridge? A: Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge. == Q: How do you get 4 elephants into a Volkswagon bug? A: 2 in the front and 2 in the back == Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge? A: Footprints in the butter. == Q: How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your fridge? A: Two sets of footprints in the butter. == Q: How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge? A: Can't get the fridge door closed. == Q: How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge? A: There's a VW bug parked outside it. == Q: How do you get 8(!) elephants in a fridge? A: Put four in a VW, four in another VW, put the two VW's in the fridge. A fridge large enough to hold two elephants can surely hold two VW's! == Q: How do you get Tarzan in the fridge? A: Open door, get two VW's out, put tarzan in, close door. == Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle? A: The fridge isn't not large enough to hold them all. == Q: What did the fifth elephant in the VW bug discover? A: The sun roof. == Q: The Lion (Animal king) gathered all the animals for a meeting, all of them showed up except the elephants. Why? A: They were stuck in the VW bug. == Q: How many giraffes can you fit in a VW bug? A: None, the elephants are in there! == Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work? A: Sole use of the elevator. == Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub? A: It's bike is outside. == Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub? A: There is a dent in the cross-bar. == Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub? A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window. == Q. Why do elephants wear tiny green hats? A. To sneak across a pool table without being seen. == Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed? A: Your nose is touching the ceiling. == Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill? A: "Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill." == Q: Why do ducks have flat feet? A: From stamping out forest fires. == Q: Why do elephants have flat feet? A: From stamping out flaming ducks. == Q: Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock? A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping. == Q: What is a furry alligator? A: A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock. == Q: Why are pygmies so short? A: They can't tell time. == Q: What is that stuff between elephants toes? A: Watchless natives. == Q: What do elephants use for tampons? A: Sheep. == Q: What do elephants use for condoms? A: Snakes. == Q: What do elephants use for vibrators? A: Epileptic pigmies. == Q: Why do elephants have long trunks? A: 'Cos sheep don't have strings. == Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging? A: Take away his credit card. == Q: How does the male elephant find the female elephant when she's lying down in tall grass? A: VERY attractive. == Q: What do you give a seasick elephant? A: Lots of room. == Q: Why do elephants lay on their backs? A: To trip low flying canaries. == Q: Why did the elephant have a yellow spot on his ass? A: He wasn't laying on his back. == Q: Why do elephants have Big Ears? A: Because Noddy won't pay the ransom. == Q: Why don't you go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am? A: Because the elephants are jumping from the trees. == Q: Why are pygmies so short? A: Because the go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am. == Q: Whats that red stuff between elephants toes? A: Slow pygmies. == Q: Why did the elephant cross the road? A: To pick up the squashed chicken. == Q: What is the height of ambition? A: An ant climbing an elephant's leg with the intention of rape. == Q: What did the peanut say to the elephant? A: Nothing, peanuts can't talk. == 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Follow all of these instructions carefully for error-free floppies!! 1. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders. 2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time. 3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives. 4. Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive. 5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes. 6. Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot. 7. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss data. 8. Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk. 9. Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using. (see item 2 above) 10. Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope. 11. Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A young and very traditional Polish couple had been dating for years. Both nearing thirty, they decided to get married. The brides father approved of the marriage, but knew that his daughter had a heart condition. Feeling obliged to tell his future son-in-law about her medical condition, he arranged to meet with him for a heart-to-heart discussion. The man said, "Stosh, I couldn't be happier that you are marrying my daughter. However, there's something about her you should know about". The young man, looking worried, asked, "What is it?". The father said, "Well, Annie has acute angina". To that, the young Polish fellow replied "Whew, I'm glad... 'cuz she sure has ugly titts". After being married for 50 years, a couple decided to go on a 7 day cruise to celebrate their anniversary. In their cabin the only bed provided was a bunk bed. On the first night of the cruise, the lady removed her hearing aid. Her husband pointed to the bunk bed and asked "Up or down?". Before he could say another word, his wife threw him on the bed, ripped his clothes off, and F***ed the livin' hell out of him. They slept contently after enjoying the best sex they had had in 25 years. The next night as they were retiring, the lady removed her hearing aid, and again her husband pointed to the bunk bed and asked "Up or down?". And, like the night before, she tore his clothes off and they had terrific sex. This same scene was repeated night after night every night of the cruise. Upon returning to their home after what had been a superb experience on the cruise, the husband thought he would try to keep the great sex coming. As his wife took out her hearing aid before retiring, he asked again, "Up or down?". She squinted at him and asked "Huh?" He repeated, "Up or down?". To that, she put her hearing aid back in and asked, "Now what did you say?". To that he replied "I said, "Up or down?". To that she exclaimed, "Aw, Hell, all this time I thought you were saying fuck or drown!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A young chap went to visit his fiancee's family for dinner. They were all gathered round the dining table, with the dog, Rover lying beneath it waiting for scraps, when the young man felt a fart brewing. Anyway, he held it in for as long as he could, but after a few mouthfuls of cabbage he soon let go. It was a scorcher! His fiancee's father ducked under the table and shouted at the dog, "Get DOWN, Rover!", then resumed his meal. "Aha!", thought the young man. He thinks it's the dog. Five minutes later the young man farted even louder, and again his fiancee's father ducked under the table and shouted at the dog, "Get DOWN, Rover!", then resumed his meal. "Aha!", thought the young man. He *still* thinks it's the dog. Five minutes later the young man farted even louder. The father quickly ducked under the table and cried "Get DOWN, Rover before he shits on yer!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Q. What do you call a Greek with tampons over his ears? A. Ab-Zorba the Greek. Q. What's the difference between an Australian Sewer and a Greek Sewer? A. The Greek Sewer has a diving board. Q. How do you know if a Vietnamese has robbed your house? A. Your dog is gone, and all your homework's done. Q. What do you call an Aboriginal holding a piece of corrigated iron? A. A home owner. Q. What do you call an Aboriginal holding two pieces of corrigated iron? A. A real-estate agent. Q. What do you call an Aboriginal sitting inside a limo? A. A Thief I'm tuff! I'm so tuff that I don't eat hundreds and thousands... ...i eat trillions and billions. I'm tuff! I'm so tuff that I eat Quiche in front of truckies. I'm tuff! I'm so tuff that I iron my own shirts.. ....while I'm wearing them. I'm tuff! I'm so tuff that when I go to the beach I kick sand in my own face. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 This couple gets married then drives off to a nice lake resort area for their honeymoon. They check in & go strait to their cabin. Early the next morning the inn keeper notices the husband is fishing in the lake. Thinking this is very strange for a young newlywed man he walks down & sparks up a conversation. He soon asks the young man why he isn't inside fucking his bride's brains out. The young man replies "She has gonorrhea." "Well" the inn kepper replies " There's always the back door." "She also has diarrhea" responds the young man. So the inn keeper asks "Can't you get her to give you a blow job?" The young man says " She's also got pyorrhea." "So why did you marry her?" the inn kepper asks. "Well she also has worms & I like to fish" he responds. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 +-------------------------------+ | Pete Von Gete | | The Defective Detective | |The student that gives slightly| | less than a fuck | | * | | Student Software Engineering | \ _ University of Ghent _ / |_| |_| | | /^^^\ | | _| |_ (| "o" |) _| |_ _| | | | _ (_---_) _ | | | |_ | | | | |' | _| |_ | `| | | | | | | / \ | | \ / / /(. .)\ \ \ / \ / / / | . | \ \ \ / \ \/ / ||Y|| \ \/ / \__/ || || \__/ () () || || ooO Ooo 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Jim is soon to be married. The problem is, he's seven feet tall and his intended is 4.5 feet tall, and the difference in height concerns him. He ponders and ponders, and finally remembers that his father is also 7 feet tall, and his mother is only 4 feet tall, so he decides to ask his father's advice. His father sits him down and tells him the following. When your mother and I were married, we got to the bedroom on our honeymoon, and began to get undressed. When we were both undressed, I handed her my strides and said to her "I want you to put these on." She answered "Are you crazy? You're 7 feet tall, I'm 4 feet tall; there's no way I'll get into these trousers!" I answered her, saying "That's right. Let's get things straight. I wear the trousers around here, and as long as you remember that, everything will be great." And indeed, we've now been married for 30 years and it's just perfect. The son is very glad for the advice, thanks his dad, and goes on his way. The wedding proceeds, and finally the newlyweds reach the bedroom. They get undressed, and Jim hands her his trousers, and says to her "I want you to put these on." She looks at him and says "Are you crazy? You're 7 feet tall, I'm four and a half feet tall; there's no way I'll get into your trousers!" He answers "That's right. I wear the trousers, and as long as you remember that, everything will be terrific." A few minutes passed without comment, whereupon she suddenly said "Jim, I want you to put on these knickers" He replied "Are you crazy? I'm seven feet tall, you're four and a half feet tall; I'll never get into your knickers!" "That's right" she said, "And you won't be getting into my knickers until you change your attitude!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 The U.S. Postal Service announced that it plans to issue a Richard M. Nixon stamp this year. They said that it will be the first two-faced stamp in history. A couple of black guys were driving a garbage truck that was so full that garbage was falling out. The driver pulled over and stopped to see if he could do something about it. The other guy decided that he would just crawl up there and hold it down so they could get off work. He crawls up and the driver gets moving again... Just down the street a couple of good'ol boys looked up to see this guy on top of the heap. One says to the other "Hey look, someone threw away a perfectly good nigger." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 >: Q. What's the worst thing about being a terrorist? >: A. Being asked to stay with the car and make sure it doesn't get towed. >You guys in the UK just don't understand the scale of events like the OK >City bombing. How can you laugh at this? Ohh, in much the same way YOU guys laugh a Kobe, the halocaust, Ethiopia, Lithuanian ferries. You have a problem with this? Then stay out of alt.tasteless.jokes. >Look people, if you're going to joke about other people's tragedies, >you'd better be willing to take one or two about your own. Quite. You've summed it up very nicely. Did you hear Disney brought the rights to the movie? Yeah, it's going to be called HONEY, I BLEW UP THE KIDS. Did you hear that the Power Rangers live tour was cancelled in Oklahoma City? The kids were crushed. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 I heard a black stand up comedian tell this one a couple of years ago: Q: What's black and blue and floats in the river? A: A white man telling nigger jokes! Q. What do buzzards and men who date white women have in common? A. They both like to eat hairy things that smell like rotting roadkill. There was this guy who used to hang around in his regular bar. He never left the bar without female companion. A couple of other regulars were jealously chatting over the guy: "Hey, Billy, how come that guy always gets the best pussy around?" "Dunno, he's really ugly, smells bad and sure is not a great talker! He just sits there in the corner, drinks beer and licks his eyebrows!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Two bums walk along the beach, searching for something to eat. Suddenly the youngest bum , notices a corpse floating in the water. He quickly jumps into the water, drags it onto the beach, and starts eating it. After a few minutes he notices that the other bum isn't eating, so he asks. "Why are you not eating, are you not hungry?". The older bum says, "Sure, but I'll just wait until you puke, so I can get a warm meal". An old jew is in the hospital, and the nurse wants to take his temperature, so she asks if he can turn around on his stomach. 'No' the jew says, 'I don't want the thermometer in my ass, put it under my arm'. So the nurse put the thermometer under his arm, and the jew reads on the thermometer "MADE IN GERMANY". The old jew says: 'Nurse, I changed my decision, you can put the thermometer in my ass.' 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 1994 U.S. Justice Department stats on reported crimes Rape White rape blacks 100 Black rape whites 20,000 Assault White assault black 49,800 Black assault white 431,670 Robbery White robbing black 7,031 Black robbing white 167,924 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 ObJoke: Why is the InterNet so popular with Americans? Answer: a) Most fat people in the world are american and typing doesn't require any form of exercise. b) americans are suckered into thinking that they can exercise their right to freedom of speech, when no one gives a shit. c) When filling out the aol form, it doesn't ask for the IQ score. d) So that they can bitch about other countries being better. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 ==Guess it's `bout time I share some raunchy, sexist stuff with y'all. ... If you like `em, it's *my* collection, and help yourselves to `em! :-) ... If you DON'T like `em, each line came from someone else, and press <-Enter for relief!== *BLONDES/BIMBOS 152 Taglines Created, Assimilated and Edited by: Jim Jones, Patrick Long, and Rodrick Adams ...OBJokes... -<< Blondes. Enough said >>- A blonde counts to two by taking off her shirt. A Blonde saw a sign that said WET CEMENT -- So she did. A Blonde with brain damage... Normal All I want for Christmas is a blonde wrapped in cellophane. All women have a touch of blonde-otherwise they'd be men! And they say Blondes are dumb!!!!!! Attracting a lower class of bimbo B-I-M-B-O and Bimbo was her name, oh! Beauty is only skin deep, but blonde goes to the root! Beer bottles and blondes are both empty from the neck up. Big Blonde Daughter Available- Write if interested Bimbabble: Noise coming from a table full of blondes. Bimbae: More than one bimbo. Bimbait: Perfume worn by blondes in a bar. Bimbastard: Child of a bimbo. Bimbastic Surgeon: Specialist in breast enhancements for blondes Bimbattle-axe: Blonde mother-in-law Bimbeeper: Homing device for lost bimbos. Bimbessence: Aura created when a bimbo enters a room. Bimbette: A small bimbo. Bimbezzle: A blonde bank teller. Bimbi: Blonde with the traditional bimbo name Bamby. Bimbino: A baby bimbo. Bimbitude: State of being a bimbo. Bimblaze: Result of bimbo trying to cook. Bimblur: Vision created by blonde in a red sports car on the freeway. Bimbob: A bimbo's boyfriend. Bimbobble: A blonde playing catch. Bimboo: An oriental bimbo. Bimbooboo: Mistake made by a bimbo. Bimboozle: To defraud a bimbo. Bimbore: Blonde who uses the word like more than 5 times in a sentence. Bimbosity: Degree of being a bimbo. Bimbouy: A blonde in the water. Bimboy: A male homosexual bimbo. Bimburger: Bimbo surrounded by 2 guys. Bimp: The Goodyear Bimbo. Bimple: A bimbo with acne. BITCH: A woman who speaks her mind and doesn't act like a blond bimbo. Blonde Borgs all have the same fun. Blonde goes fishing with 3 guys, returns with a red snapper and crabs. Blonde hair is so retro. - Elmyra Blonde in a Volkswagen: Farfromthinkin Blonde jokes are dumb. Blonde jokes? They used to call them Lauralee jokes. Blonde Klingons: because it was a good day to dye. Blonde Klingons: May you dye well! Blonde usually hear this after sex: honey, I'm home Blonde Wisdom: 1+2=3, therefore 4+5=6. Blonde's mating call: ... I'm soooooo drunk. [Giggle] Blondes prefer Hard Disks over floppy ones! Blonde: Dumb sh*t happens. Blonde: Storing a Yugo for a future collector's item Blonde? Born yesterday? Yes, but early in the morning. Blondes also prefer gentlemen!! Blondes and Beerbottles: both empty from the neck up. Blondes are like 7-Eleven's: Always open for your convenience Blondes have more fun, Redheads ARE more fun. Blondes like tilt-wheel steering - more headroom! Blondes, like butterflies, need no excuse BLONDES.ZIP: Great Shareware, but be careful of viruses! Blondes: Legal Handicapped Parking Permits Brunette to Blonde: Look, a dead bird! Blonde looks up: Where? Bumbo: A jumbo bimbo. Bymnasium: A health club for bimbos. Catfish ... breakfast of Blonde Lawyers Computers, blondes and jazz seldom go together. -Riker Confucius say: All blonde not blonde by cracky. Contents: One (1) Blonde. Flatteries not included. Cross a lawyer with a blonde? There are things even a blonde won't do. Difference between blondes & the Titanic? Everyone on ship didn't go down. Difference between blondes and garbage? Garbage goes out once a week. Difference between blondes and hookers? Blondes cost less per score. Do blondes realize their having more fun? Do these white hairs mean I'm turning blonde?? {Not exactly!!} :-) Don't play stupid with me...I'm better at it! <- Most blondes Dope Ring: A Bunch of Blondes in a Circle. Dumb blonde jokes - short so brunettes can remember them Error 77: Blonde on keyboard gets 8 more. Farfromthinkin - Three blondes in a convertible. Farfromthinkin: Two blondes in a Volkswagon. For my next trick, I'll need a blonde volunteer and a condom. Freefall Sex: Blondes will believe ANYTHING! Gawd I love blondes. German for 3 blondes in a convertible: Farfromthinkin Get High, Get Stupid, Love Blondes 1-800-BLEACHD Grow your own dope, plant a blonde! Headline: BLONDE GIVES COP ORAL SEX AND THINKS IT'S BREATHYLIZER TEST! How did the blonde kill the bird? Threw it off a cliff. How do blondes get minks? The same way Minks get Minks! How do you drown a blonde? Put a mirror on the bottom of the pool. How do you light up a blonde's eyes? Shine a flashlight in their ear. How does a blonde high-5? She smacks herself in the forehead. How does a blonde like her eggs? Unfertilized. How does a blonde part her hair? By doing the splits. How does a blonde turn on the light after sex? Opens the car door. How to dump a blonde after sex: open the car door. I called her a dumb blonde. She said, No help wanted! I don't do Bimbos. But I might let them do me. I invest in Negotiable Blondes. I saw a Smart Blonde last night, disguised as a brunette. I see you're feeling particularly blonde today. I'm a natural blonde, so please speak slowly. Is it really true that blondes have more fun? Isn't 'Dumb Blonde' a peroxymoron? It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen. Nah! Love is Blonde! New Pantene Bimbo shampoo, it won't happen overnite but it will happen. NO HITCHHIKERS! (Except for blondes, brunettes, and redheads!) Not all Blondes are dumb. But then who ever checks. O.K.! Who ordered the truck load of dumb blondes? Oxymoron: Dumb blonde (no, that's redundant) Pomblonde: A species of cheerleader. Sexist... Me??? Hell no!!! Some of my best friends are Bimbos. She is not: a Bleached Blonde. She is: Peroxide Dependent. She's a natural Blonde, Please Speak slowly She's not a bleached blonde, she's chemically enhanced! She's not blonde she's naturally stupid... Smart Blonde: Uses Radar to find the Powder Room. Some are born blonde, others have to dye first. Star Trek Bimbo of the Week: Suicidal blonde: one who dyed by her own hand! SWF, blonde bombshell, seeks man now. No SYSOPs. The Basics: A beer, a blonde, & a boob tube They call them blonde jokes. They used to call them @TOFIRST@ jokes. Three blondes in a Volkswagen = Farfromthinking! Upload Error #69 - Blonde Not Attached We are eight score young blondes and brunettes - Zoot What are twelve blondes in a circle? Dope Ring. What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it? A thought. What did the blonde name her pet zebra? Spot. What do blondes do for foreplay? Remove their underwear. What do brunettes do on Saturday nights? Write blonde jokes? What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? A mental block. What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket? Rebel Without A Clue. What do you call a blonde with half a brain? ---Gifted--- What do you call a brunette with a blonde on each side? An interpreter. What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head? A Space Invader. What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes? Frosted Flakes. What do you call 2 blondes in the frezzer. ---Frosted Flakes--- What do you call 6 blondes placed ear to ear? A wind tunnel. What do you get when you put 2 blondes in a freezer? Frosted Flakes. What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes? The back of her head What does a blonde say after sex? So, are you all on the same team? What is a blonde's mating call...I'm soooo drunk, I'm sooooo drunk! What is a redhead's mating call? Are the blondes gone yet? What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? Walks home. Why did the blonde stop making ice cubes? Lost the recipe! Why do blonde's prefer tilt-steering? More headroom. Why is a blonde like a door knob? 'Cause everyone gets a turn. You mean Blonde Jovi here used to be an X-Man? 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 What has AIDS & Lung Cancer both got in common? You get both from sucking too many fags. This guy wanted to own the best hunting dog he could find. He seeks out this breeder that claims to have the smartest hunting dogs around. They meet and the breeder suggests a demonstration. They go out to a local lake. The dog jumps over the dyke and barks three times. The prospective owner asks what is the dog doing. The breeder replys that he is telling us there are three ducks over there. They pop over the dyke and sure enough three ducks flush up. They walk down the dyke a way. Suddenly the dog jumps over the dyke and barks seven times. Again the prospecive owner questions what the dog is doing. The breeder again tells him that the dog is telling us there are seven ducks on the other side of the dyke. Again they go over the dyke and look, again seven ducks flush up. About this time the prospective owner is convinced and buys the dog. About 6 months later the breeder meets up with the owner of the dog and asks how the dog is doing. The owner replys, "I had to shoot the dog." The breeder asks, "Why did you shoot the dog?" The owner says, "We were out hunting one day and the dog started humping my leg. Well after I got him off my leg, he picked up a stick and started beating me with it. It was all I could do just to get my gun and shoot the dog." The breeder at this point is amazed and says, "You mean you didn't know what that meant?" The owner replys, "No, why?" The breeder says, "The dog was trying to tell you that there are more fucking ducks on the other side of they dyke than you could shake a stick at...." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Did you hear about the two Edinburgh homos? Neil and Bob. Two gays in a phone-box, ringing each other up. Why do shirt-lifters do it doggy-style? So they can both watch Oprah. An Englishman, a Frenchman, an Arab and a Jew are having coffee together. A fly lands in each of their cups. The Englishman pushes his away in distaste. The Frenchman shrugs, extracts the fly and drinks the coffee. The Arab removes the fly, drinks the coffee and then swallows the fly with evident relish. Seeing this, the Jew gathers up all the flies he can see and sells them to the Arab. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 STARSIGNS AQUARIUS: Jan 20 to Feb 18 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You like, a great deal, on the other hand, to make the same mistake repeatedly. Every on thinks you are a fucking jerk. PISCES: Feb 19 to Mar 20 You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI, CIA or SASS. You have minor influence over good friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw animals and pick their noses. ARIES: Mar 21 to Apr 19 You are a pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are a prick TAURUS: Apr 20 to May 20 You are practical and persistent. You have dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull headed. You are nothing but a goddamn communist. GEMINI: May 21 to June 20 You are a quick, intelligent and a thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Gemini뭩 are notorious for thinking thoughts on incest. CANCER: June 21 to July 21 You are sympathetic and understanding to other people뭩 problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on Welfare and won뭪 be worth a sh it. LEO: July 22 to Aug 22 You consider yourself a born leader. Other think you are pushy. Most Leo뭩 are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards and kiss mirrors a lot VIRGO: Aug 23 to Sept 22 You are the logical type and hate disorder. This shit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgo's make good bus drivers and pimps LIBRA: Sept 23 to Oct 22 You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male you are most probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women are whores. All Libra뭩 die of venereal disease. SCORPIO: Oct 23 to Nov 21 You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpio people are murdered. SAGITTARIUS: Nov 22 to Dec 21 You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendancy to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks and pot-heads. People laugh at you a lot because you are always fucked CAPRICORN: Dec 21 to Jan 19 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken-shit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A Mexican and a Jew were discussing how far each could stretch a dime. They met several days later to discuss results. The Mexican bought a cigar and smoked half the first day and saved the ashes. He smoked the other half the second day and again saved the ashes. He then gave the ashes to his wife to use as fertalizer. He then told the jew to beat that for stretching a dime. Well, the Jew bought a polish sausage with his dime. The first day he ate half of it. On the second day he ate the other half of it. On the third day he used the skin for a rubber. The forth day he took a shit in the skin and sewed it up. He then took it back and told the butcher that it smelled like shit and got his dime back. The butcher then put it back into the showcase and later sold it to the Mexican for chorizo. How's that for stretching a dime? 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Subject: Cool ways to fuck someone! Rip off her head and fuck her down the throat. Dig out her eyes with a spoon and fuck her sockets. Pull someone's intestines out thru their ass and fuck them. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Geek Words: =========== Keyboard ... Computer Input Device..................... Music Instrument Crashed .... System or Program Failure................. Vehicle Accident Head Crash . Fixed or Flexible Dick r/w head failure... To bump one head Snail Mail . Mail via a postal service ................ Never herd of snails getting mail Purple Haze When your monitor has purple spots ....... Song by Prince MIME........ Multipurpose Internet .................... To act out, gesture OnNet....... On the Internet........................... Fishing RAM ........ Random Access Memory...................... Male Sheep SCSI ....... Small Computer System Interface .......... Sleazy Something MSU ........ Mass Storage Unit ........................ Some University Nerd ....... ME........................................ Him Geek ....... ME........................................ Him Host ....... Client or Server System .................. A Person in a Restaurant IEEE .. ....Institute of Electronic& Electrical ...... To Scream ........... Engineers (Pronounced I, triple E).. LIM ........ Expanded Memory .......................... A Asian guy Interrupt .. Hardware/Software Handler ................ Break in to a Conversation NetWare .... Networking OS ............................ Kinky clothing Finger ..... Looks up Names, Online Stats & Info ...... Do this with loved one. POP ........ Post Office Protocol ..................... DAD or Like Bang (Noise) SLIP ....... Serial Line Internet Protocol ............ To Fall Down PPP ....... Point to Point Protocol .................. Need to Go to the bathroom bad. Trap ....... Software / Hardware Interrupt ............ Used to catch something VD ......... Virtual Device ........................... Vernal Diseased ZIP ........ Compressed Files ......................... Plastic Bag Lock Home ....... Upper Left hand corner of text ........... Where people Live LPD ........ Line Printer Daemon (device) ............. L.A. Police Department O.J. ....... O. J. Simpson ............................ O.J. Simpson A.O.L. ..... Idiots who waste band with (AKA ME TO).... America On Line Inc. User ....... Someone Using a computer ................. Drug Addict :) ......... Happy Face (smiling) ..................... Colon, Parentheses StarTrek ... Away of Life .............................. Movie / TV Show ___ / 0 0 \ __ __ _ =======oo0=(_)=0oo========. | \| | ___ _ _ _| |_ ___ _ |-User Name: William Baker-| | : |/ \| '/ \(_ _)/ \| | | InterNet: scbaker@bnr.ca | | : | O | [^` | | | O /_| |__ | DID : 408-565-3532 | |__\___|\___/|__| |_| \___/\____) | ESN : 655-3532 | Northern Telecom Inc. / (BNR). |------.ooo0---------------| Mt.View & Santa Clara California, USA. '=======( )=0ooo.========' TECHNOLOGY DESIGN/DEVELOPMENT ENGINEERING Bell \/( ( ) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~. Northern \_) )\/ DISCLAIMER: The opinions express herein are mine &: Research and (_/ mine alone & don't express those of my employer. : Development Div. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~' 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A woman put a personal ad in the newspaper looking for any man with these three qualifications. She wrote, "First, you should never hit me, Second, you should never run away from me, Third, you should be a good lover." A couple of days later, someone rang the doorbell at the woman's house and the woman opened the door and saw a quadriplegic man at the door. He said "I'm here for the personal add." The woman asked "Well, do you meet the three qualifications?" The man answered "why yes, I don't have any arms so I can never hit you, and I don't have any legs so I can never run away from you." Then the woman asked "what about the third qualification?" The man said, "Hey, I rang the doorbell without any help, didn't I?" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 WARNING: THIS IS ALT.TASTELESS.JOKES, IF YOU HAVE A WEAK MIND, CAN'T HANDLE ETHNIC JOKES, OR DON'T SUPPORT FREEDOM OF SPEECH, THEN DO NOT READ THIS LIST OF JOKES. ************************************************************************** * --Nigger Jokes-- * *Here are some of the better nigger jokes I've managed to come upon. ************************************************************************** WEBSTERS Dictionary Nig-ger (nig'er) n. An African jungle anthropoid ape of the primate family pongidae (superfamily cercopithecoidea). Imported to the United States as slave labor in the late 1700's-1800's, these wild creatures now roam freely--while destroying the economic and social infrastructures of America and various other nations. These flamboyant sub-humans love to consume large quantities of greasy fried chicken and listen to fellow apes "sing" rhymes over def beats. One can find these lazy sub-humans infesting areas of the world called urban slums. *********************************************************************** Do you know why flies have wings? 1> So they can beat the niggers to the watermelons. 2> So they can get away from the niggers Why did the nig run when his girlfriend said she wanted to give him a blowjob? He was afraid it would cancel his unemployment benefits. Did you hear about the little nigger boy who had diarrhea? He thought he was melting. What do you call three niggers sitting in a garden? Fertilizer. What do you call a nigger with an IQ of 15? Gifted. What do you call a nigger with an IQ of 150? Tribe. What's the difference between a pothole and a nigger? You'd swerve to avoid a pothole, wouldn't you? How do you get twelve niggers in a Volkswagon? Toss a welfare check in the back seat. How do you get 400 niggers in an Escort? I don't know, but they figure it out. What do you call three blacks at a Klan barbeque? 1>Charcoal. 2>Kentucy Fried Nigger (c-1) How do you make a nigger nervous? Take him to an auction. Did you hear about Evil Kneivel's cousin, Ku Klux Knieval? He tried to jump over 50 niggers - With A Steamroller. What do you call 50,000 blacks in the bottom of the sea? A good start. Why don't niggers stick their heads out of moving vehicles? Their lips catching the wind will beat them to death. What do you call a black hitchiker? Stranded. What do you call two nigger motocycle cops? Chocolate CHiPs. Why does Georgia have blacks and California have earthquakes? California had first pick! What happens when you put an Odor-Eater in a nigger's shoes? He disappears. Why do niggers always have sex on their minds? Because of the pubic hair on their heads. What did the young black kid get for Christmas? My bike! What did the older black kid get for Christmas? My Car! Why don't sharks attack niggers? They mistake them for whale shit. Why do niggers call white people "Honkeys"? Thats the last sound they hear before we run them over. How do you wipe out 250 ape families? Blow up Kmart. A nigger, a jew and a spic get shoved off a building at the same time- which one hits pavement first? Who cares? Whats the difference between nigger pussy and a bowling ball? You can eat a bowling ball. Why do niggers tint their car windows? They don't-- it's the black rubbing off. why do blacks hate aspirin? cuz its white, it works, and they hate picking the cotton out of the bottle. There's these three guys sitting around a campfire; a yuppie, a black man, and a cowboy. The yuppie is drinking Michelob, he jugs it down, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his pistol, shoots the bottle and says, "This is the Life!" The black man is drinking Miller, jugs it down, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his pistol, shoots the bottle and says, "Taste great!" The cowboy is drinking Old Milwaukee, he jugs it down, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his pistol, shoots the nigger in the head and says, "This is the way it was meant to be!!" How do you get niggers out of your neighborhood? Hide all the good cardboard boxes. How do you get a nigger to commit suicide? 1>Toss a bucket of KFC into traffic. 2>end welfare. Whats another name for the county jail? The house of apes. ----- ------------------------------------------------------------------------- |> |> **************** |> ************************ |> ***************************** |> ********************************* |> *********************************** |> ************************************* |> ************************************* |> ***********---------------*********** |> ********/ ___ ___ \******** |> *****/ <_w_>| |<_w_> \***** OOOOOH OOOOOOH! |> ***| / \ |*** |> */ ( _ _ ) \* |> | /-----\_/-----\ | The Devil Made |> | <_______________> | me do it |> | \_____________/ | |> \ / |> \_____ _____/ Kill WHitey |> \______________/ |> Why do black girls dye their hair blonde and wear blue contacts? -so black men will date them. What do you call a black wearing a three piece suit in a tree? -Branch Manager (cp) How long does it take a black woman to take a shit? -9 months! What is the definition of Confusion for black children? -Fathers Day Why shouldnt you run over a black boy on a bike? -It might be your bike! Patient/Operation A white guy goes into a doctors office and tells the doctor, I want to be a pollock. The doctor says, "We'll have to cut out 25% of your Brain", so the white Guy says,"Sounds fine.". After the operation the doctor says, "I have some bad news for you, I accidently cut out 50% of your brain instead of 25%.", so the patient says,"Yo, what I be now homeboy?". Why were so many niggers killed in Vietnam? -because when they said "get down", all the niggers got up and danced. why is asprin white? -you want it to work don't you? what do you call a black frenchmen? -jacques custodian A cowboy, an indian, and a black man are sitting at a bar. the indian turns to the black man and says, "we once were many but now we're few". the black man replies, "we once were few but now we're many". the cowbay over hears all this and says to the black man, " thats because we haven't played cowboys and niggers yet". How do you starve a nigger? *hide his food stamps under his work boots. how do you keep niggers out of your back yard? -hang one in the front yard what do you call a black test tube baby? -janitor in a drum what do you call 100,000,000 blacks at the bottom of the ocean? -A Great start Why do blacks stink? -So blind people can hate them too Did you hear of the new Black Barbie? -It comes with 12 kids, AIDS and a welfare check What does NAACP stand for? Niggers are actually colored polocks Whats Big, Long, Black and smelly? The Welfare Line in Harlem. Whats long and Hard on a nigger? The Fourth Grade. Why did the nigger break his leg raking the leaves? -He fell out of the tree. How do you stop five niggers from raping a white woman? Throw them a basketball. Q: What do you call a black woman who gets an abortion. A: A member of Crimestoppers of America. Q: What do you call a black man in a three piece suit? A: Defendant Q: whats the difference between a black and a snow tire? A: a snow tire won't sing when you put chains on it. Why don't mexicans marry blacks? -they don't want their kids to grow up too lazy to steal. a nigger walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. the bar tender says, "where did you get him?" the parrot replies, "africa". how do we know adam was white? have you ever tried to take a rib from a black man? what does NRA stand for? NIGGER REMOVAL AGENCY what does PONTIAC stand for? POOR OLD NIGGER THINKS ITS A CADILLAC what is websters dictionaries definition of RENIGGED? a shift change at McDonalds why do niggers keep chickens in there backyard? to teach there kid's how to walk did you know that Kunta Kinte had twin sister? -Renta-Cunta What is the definition of Guerilla Warfare? -5 niggers in prison fighting over who gets to rape the white boy first. -Science- What is a Nig-O-watt? -The amount of energy you get out of a nigger after it eats a bucket of kentucy fried chicken. What is a Jig-O-watt? -The amount of energy output of a nigger after drinking a gallon of kool aid. What is the speed of Night? -The speed in which a nigger will accelerates after stealing your Car. What do you call a baby nigger? -niglet. -bat What do you call a short nigger? -Snicker (cp) Why did The Nigger from Nation of Islam wear his nicest Tuxedo to his vasectomy? -Cuz if I'ma gonsta Be Impotent I wants to look Impotent. Q: What do you call one White guy with... One Black guy? A: Liberal Three Black guys? A: Victim Five Black guys? A: Coach Ten Black guys? A: Quarterback Twenty Black guys? A: Foreman One thousand Black guys? A: Warden A White man and a Black man are arguing about which race God belongs to. They argue about this for hours, and finally they decide to ask the heavens for the answer. The black looks upwards and asks: 'God, I gotta know. Is you Black or is you White?' The answer booms down from above. 'I AM WHAT I AM'. Vindicated, the Black man says: 'There, you see, I told you he was a brother.' 'Not so,' replies the White. 'If he was Black, he would have said "I IS WHAT I IS". what do you call 10,000 niggers jumping out of a plane? night here is a list of books you won't find in the library of congress: 1. italian war heroes 2. jewish business ethics 3. polish wit and wisdom 4. black men i've met while yachting 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 *MASTURBATION 21 Taglines* ...OBJokes... Masturbation: *Safe* when your Significant Other is in her 9th month. Masturbation: At least it's sex with someone I love! Masturbation: Autoeroticism. Masturbation: Can cause insanity. <- Back to the 18th Century, shmuck! Masturbation: Doesn't cause blindness; Love does. Masturbation: Feels good, provides relief, no disease worries. Masturbation: If you DO IT wrong ... How can you DO IT W*R*O*N*G ??? Masturbation: Knowing you love the one you have sex with. Masturbation: Males don't have to be *taught* how to do it! Masturbation: Natural? Yes. Preferred? Sometimes. Fast? Usually. Masturbation: No apology necessary if you can't keep it up. Masturbation: No criticism of sexual performance, ever! Masturbation: Not as good as a partner, but *always* available. Masturbation: Nothing follows you around later that's not *attached*. Masturbation: OOHHHHH, that F-f-f-feels so GOOOOOD, Tom ejaculated. Masturbation: Sex with someone you truly love. Masturbation: The human version of AUTOEXEC.BAT. Masturbation: The speedy relief, tension reducer, erection eraser. Masturbators DO IT singlehandedly (sometimes). Philosophy is to life as masturbation is to sex. Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex. ... Masturbation: If you smoke when you finish, you're going way too FAST!! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 SWIFT TAGLINES ...ObJokes... " ", said Tom blankly. We have another flat, Tom said tiredly. @#$%*! I've struck oil, Tom said, crudely. A thousand thanks, Monsieur, Tom said mercifully. Ann's my sister, said Andy raggedly. Be careful with that saw!, Tom said offhandedly. Boy, that sure took the wind out of my sails! said Tom disgustedly. Boy, that's a bright star, said Tom seriously. Brace for impact, Picard said, parenthetically. But I like pineapple said Tom, dolefully Buy me a drink? said Tom dryly. Call me a cab, said Tom hackly. Can I have one of those chocolates?, asked Tom candidly. Can you read music?, the bandleader asked notably. Cover your mouth when you sneeze! Tom scoffed. Drive that armored vehicle over here, said Tom cantankerously. Drop the gun, Tom said with disarmingly. Eat more fruit said Tom, with aplomb. Eating radium has strange results, Tom said brightly. Eating uranium makes me feel funny, said Tom glowingly. Get away from the dynamite, Tom said explosively. Have fun in Italy, said Tom romantically. Huh?, said Tom deafly. I am not a crook, Mr. Nixon said resignedly. I ate a chicken sandwich, said Tom foully. I can't believe you cut off all my hair! she said, distressed. I can't do this new math, Tom added. I can't eat another thing he said fully. I can't march any more, the soldier said haltingly. I cast fireball! Tom said magically. I commanded a group of ships for a week, Tom said fleetingly. I could be anybody, said ___ namelessly. I dance at a topless club, the girl said, barely. I dropped my toothpaste, Tom said, crestfallen. I find you guilty!, said the judge with conviction. I first had sex on a farm, Tom said sheepishly. I forgot what to buy, Tom said listlessly. I hate Victor Hugo, said Les miserably. I haven't read that Fairy Tale, he said Grimmly. I hope you're not afraid of needles, Tom injected. I joined the Lion's Club, said Tom pridefully. I just forgot to increment the counter, Tom said nonplussed. I killed the Greek piper god, Tom deadpanned. I MUST patch this coat. Tom said raggedly. I must remove that bunion, the doctor said callously. I need a home run hitter, Tom said ruthlessly. I need to clear my head, said Tom opaquely. I never get lost, said the pathologist. I promise that telethon wants money, Tom pledged. I saw a Tom Swifty in that comment, Tom visualized. I smell gas, Tom fumed. I think I'll use a different font, Tom said boldly! I want some Chinese food, said Tom wantonly. I won the daily double, Tom cried hoarsely. I work for the vice squad, the officer said arrestingly I'd like a hot dog, Tom said frankly. I'll cut my OWN hair, said Tom barbarically. I'll excise the bunion, Tom said callously. I'll get you next time, Whiplash! said Tom snidely. I'll have red wine with my roadkill, Tom said flatly. I'll have to change your grade, Tom's teacher remarked I'll have to convert to floating point, Tom realized. I'll pay off that customs official, said Tom dutifully. I'll take this bra, the woman said upliftingly. I'll top the cake with sugar, she said icily. I'll try and dig it up for you, Tom said gravely. I'll wear robes, Charlton Heston said prophetically. I'm at the end of my rope, said Tom knottily. I'm being sent down to the minors, said the beleaguered pitcher. I'm bored, he said lumberingly. I'm going to pick berries, rasped Tom. I'm not exactly finished trimming the bushes, Tom hedged. I'm simply not a nice girl, she whispered tartly. I'm taking the prisoner downstairs, he said condescendingly. I'm trying to make insects fly, said Tom flippantly. I've already had X-rays, said Tom roentgenographically. I've dropped my toothpaste, Tom said, crestfallen. I've finally won the Academy Award, said Henry fondly. I've got a bad cold, Tom said infectiously. I've had a prefrontal lobotomy, he said absentmindedly. If it's all the same to you, he said equally. Is nothing sacred?, said Tom naughtily. It appears to be a small rodent, said Tom shrewdly. It's a big world out there, he said universally. It's a little red fruit, said Tom parsimoniously. It's a unit of electric current, said Tom amply. It's not candy, it's a breath mint, Tom asserted. It's worth about a dollar, said Tom buckishly. Keep an eye on that orbit, Tom said watchfully. Let me rub some ointment on that, Tom said topically. Let's eat kosher tonight, said Tom judiciously. Let's send these packages to the poor overseas, she said carefully. Let's visit tombs, said Tom cryptically. Lettuce take our seats, she said crisply. More power to the people, said Tom, electrifingly. Mush, mush, Tom said huskily. My arm!, said Captain Hook offhandedly. My bicycle wheel is melting, Tom spoke softly. My boutonnieres gone, Tom said lackadaisically. My cotton's full of bugs, said Tom weevilly. My glass is full, said Tom capacitively. My guitar is broken, Tom fretted. My stars!, said the astrologer gazingly. My stereo's half-fixed, said Tom monotonously. Nevermore will I read 'The Raven', said Tom poetically. Nice mirror!, said Tom reflectively. No one brings me flowers, she said lackadaisically. No! You can't have any of my lobster, said Tom, shellfishly. Now where did I put that magazine? Tom asked periodically. Of quartz I won't take it for granite, Tom said gneissly. Oral self-stimulation is fun! said Tom, swallowing his pride. Our marriage must be dissolved, she said acidly. Put out that cigarette, Tom said breathlessly. So this is your new computer!, said Tom calculatingly. Stop hitting me, Tom expounded. Swifties overly modify dialog exessively, Tom said adverbially. Take me, I'm yours, she said easily. Take that, Lorena said cuttingly. Thanks for not smoking, Tom breathed. That feels ... so gooo... OOOHHH, Gawd!, Tom ejaculated. That smells like a skunk, Tom said instinctively. That was fast!, Tom quickly exclaimed. That's a chain reaction, Tom said atomically. That's not art, the critic said abstractly. That's the last time I'll pet a lion, said Tom offhandedly. The paper boy wants money, said Tom collectively. The plastic surgery failed, the doctor said defacingly. The price for these lemons is ridiculous! she said sourly. The smog is really bad today, Tom cried breathlessly. They threw me out of my subdivision, he said distractedly. This chicken has no beak, said Tom impeccably. This is power steering, Tom said automatically. This is time travel, she said relatively. To cook well, learn all about spices, Tom said sagely. Travel by motorcycle, said he triumphantly. Troops, there's no Christmas show this year, said Tom hopelessly. Try to get back on topic, he said moderately. Use phenolphthalein, Tom indicated. Watch where you point that thing, Tom said carefully. We had better keep to the subject, Tom said topically. We have another flat, Tom said tiredly. We need a 10-gauge needle, Tom hypothesized. We'll have to operate, the medic said cuttingly. We're off to Scotland, said Tom clandestinely. Well, to be Frank, I'd have to change my name, Tom surrogated. Which floor?, Tom said liftingly. Who stole my thermal underwear?, the hunter said coldly. Why don't we get together this afternoon, she said delightfully. Wrap this up, he said gladly. X is an integer, Tom declared. You got the whole blanket said Tom, coldly. You have diabetes, the doctor said sweetly. You JERK, said Tom galvanically. You need X-rays, said Tom flouroscopically. You're OUT! said Tom baselessly. You've flunked the test, the teacher said degradingly. Your bowling ball's not in the lane, said Tom gutturally. "I just ate all this hay," said Tom, balefully. "I just ate all those beans," said Tom astutely. "This rocket came from outer space," Tom said exorbitantly. "I need a flower for my lapel," said Tom lackadasically. "Look under the green Jell-O," Tom said, sublimely. "I'm experimenting with homosexuality," said Tom, half in earnest. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 *SEXUAL Innuendoes 66 Taglines Created, Assimilated, and Edited by David Harper [FIDO 1:250/314] ...OBJokes... (((((SLEEP)))))(((((WITH)))))(((((ME))))) (In the men's room) Michelle. If you're reading this, we're finished. (In the men's urinal) THE FATE OF QUEBEC IS IN YOUR HANDS! [continued from last message] sex [continued in next message] A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to remove it. A man is as good as he has to be, a woman as bad as she dares. A man is as young as the woman he feels. A penny for your thoughts...$20 to act it out. A woman drove me to drink. I never properly thanked her. A 3.5" hard is better than a 5.25" floppy. All I want for Christmas is a blonde wrapped in cellophane. Anything you say will be held against you. -Michelle Pfeiffer! Arms control: Slapping a fresh boyfriend. Ask not for whom the belle trolls... Be naughty--save Santa the trip! BOSS spelled backwards is double S-O-B. Celibacy is *NOT* an inherited characteristic. Chaste makes waste. Children are the most common form of sexually transmitted disease. Contraceptives should be used at every conceivable opportunity. Dear Santa: All I want is a copy of your list of naughty girls. Do you know what a virgin dreams of? I thought not. Drink 'till she's cute. Eve, what's a headache? -Adam Familiarity breeds children. Help me look, please? I've lost my damn innocence again. Honest officer! I was just eating the fries she dropped. I never met a nymphomaniac...if I had, I wouldn't be here now! I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth. I'm descended from a line my mother listened to. If all the world's a stage, where are the gratuitous sex scenes? If at first you don't succeed, try Vaseline. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? If men got pregnant abortion would be safe, legal, & available forever. If sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong. If she's a ski bunny, I'd like to show her how rabbits get along! If you drink, don't park...accidents can cause people. If you love someone, cover her in whipped cream. If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast. Love thy neighbour...just don't get caught! My shirt was so tight, the men could hardly breathe! Not hungry. Not homeless. Will work for sex. Nuclear submarines major problem: Whale mating season. Of course I'll respect you in the morning. Now roll over. One beer gets me drunk...usually the 47th. PKUNZIP? What, is my fly down? Please return stewardess to the original upright position. Pro-Lifers insist on labouring over a misconception. REAL women don't deflate when you bite them. Remember when sex was safe and jumping off bridges was deadly? Respect you in the morning? I don't respect you *NOW*! Sects, sects, sects...is that all you monks ever think about? Sex instructor, first lesson free. Sex on television can't hurt you--unless you fall off. Shareware? Reminds me of a girl in my high school! Unicorns aren't nearly as mythical as virgins. Unzip, expand, inflate, explode...what pervert came up with this? Wanted: Meaningful, overnight relationship... Wench: What you use to turn the head of a dolt. When you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. Whip me, Mistress, whip me...OOPS!...wrong echo! Why beer is better: Eating cucumbers to forget doesn't work. Why beer is better: it's always in season. You can't read a girl like a book but it's fun browsing the pages. 24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not! 50% of men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water Halfway down he knocked her up and now they have a daughter. Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a little fun. Stupid Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son. Jack was nimble, Jack was quick but Jill preferred the candle stick. Jack wasn't so nimble, nor was he quick, so, Jack burnt off his little ... >>>jack be nimble jack be quick >>>jack burnt off his fucken dick >Jack is nimble, Jack is quick, >But Jill prefers the candlestick. Mary had a little lamb she tied it to a pylon ten thousand volts went up its arse and turned its wool to nylon. Little jack horner sat in the corner, because he had a square arse. Everyone knows that Kurt is dead since taking that shotgun to his head. To his distrators Kurt is a loser and many thought he was just a poser. Hey, shit happens when you eat lead. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 There's a group in the U.S. , I can't remember their name, that is dedicated to men's rights and such things. Now, women are able to claim that PMS is responsible for all kinds of things, and so this group thought that men should have something to use as an excuse. They commissioned a study, and after several months, announced that men could now claim to be suffering from SRH whenever things got too much for them. Semen Retention Headaches!! --- After the L.A. riots of '93 I saw this T Shirt.... My Mother Looted L.A...... ...And All I got was this Lousy T-Shirt... 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Q: What is blue and yellow and found at the bottom of a pool? A: A baby with slashed floaties. Q: What is green-black and yellow and found at the bottom of a pool? A: The same baby three weeks later. Q: What's red and yellow and floats on top of the pool? A: Floaties with a slashed baby. Q: What's red and sits in a highchair? A: A baby eating razor-blades. Q: What is red and white and squirms in the corner? A: Dead Baby playing with razor blades. Q: What is red, white and green and sits in a corner? A: Same baby 3 weeks later. Q: What's blue and thrashes about on the floor? A: A baby playing in a plastic bag. Q: What's blue and sits in the corner? A1: Baby in a cellophane bag. A2: Dead Baby playing with saranwrap. Q: What is green and sits in the corner? A: Same dead baby two weeks later! Q: What is Baskin Robbin's flavor of the month this month? A: Blue Baby Cheesecake. (There is a flavor of the month called Blueberry Cheesecake) Q: How do you make a dead baby float? A1: Fill a glass with root beer, and add a scoop of ice cream and a scoop of dead baby. A2: One glass of Root Beer and two scoops of baby. (If on a diet use only one scoop) A3: Add 8 ounces of Coke-Cola with 2 scoops of dead baby. A4: Take your foot off its head. Q: And where did you get these babies? A: Abortion Clinic. Q: (At Abortion clinic) "Boy, what are these people doing? I can't get in because they block my way. I want my float!" A: They are pro-life people. They don't like sweet stuffs. Q1: What's red and white and bubbles all over? Q2: What's red, bubbly, and scratches at the window? Q3. What is brown and taps on a window? Q4: What's pink and red and bangs on the window ? Q5: What is black and bubbly and taps on glass? A: A baby in the microwave. Q: Why did the baby cross the road? A: It was stapled to the chicken. Q: Why did the Koala fall out of the tree? A: Because it was dead. Q: Why did the baby fall out of the tree? A: Because it was stapled to the koala. Q1: What is red and swings back and forth? Q2: What's pink and red and sways back and forth, back and forth...? Q3: What's red and hangs four feet off the floor? A: Dead baby on a meathook. Q: How do you know when an elephant has been in the baby carriage? A: By the footprints on the baby's forehead! (damn elephants get into everything!) Q: What do elephants use for ben-wa balls? A: Dead babies. Q: Why did the baby cross the road? A: It was stapled to the chicken. Q: What do elephants use for ben-wa balls? A: Dead babies. no no no... That's epileptic babies... 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 One day an engineer is going into a new grocery shop on the outskirts of town. When just inside, he sees a sign which says: "CONDOMS: SOLD & FITTED." He looks around and calls for service. Then, an exceptionally attractive young lady emerges. "Do you work here?",he asks. "Yes",she replied. "And is the statement ao the sign over there true?" The lady leans over the counter and says seductively, "Yes." "Tell me," he asks, "who fits them?" "I do," said the lady. "Well," said the engineer, "would you please wash your hands and give me a pound of tomatoes." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG! God Damn Fish One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper. A man was walking by and said: "Wow, what a god damn fish"! The Sister said: "Sir, you shouldn't talk to me like that. I'm a nun." And the man said: "But that's the name of it, a god damn fish." So the Sister took the fish back to the rectory, and said: "Mother Superior, look at the god damn fish I caught." The Mother Superior said: "Sister, you shouldn't talk like that," ..and the Sister said: "But Mother Superior, that's the name of it, a god damn fish." So the Mother Superior said: "Well, give me the god damn fish and I'll clean it". While she was cleaning the fish the Monsignor walked in and she said: "Monsignor, look at the god damn fish that the sister caught". The Monsignor said: "Mother Superior, you shouldn't talk like that", and the Mother Superior said: "but that's the name of it, a god damn fish". So the Monsignor said: "Well, give me the god damn fish and I'll cook it". That evening, at supper, there was a new priest at the table, and he said: "Wow, what a nice fish," ...and the Sister said "I caught the god damn fish," ...and Mother Superior said "I cleaned the god damn fish," ...and the Monsignor said, "I cooked the god damn fish." And the new priest said "I like this fucking place already"! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Doctor: Well young lady, you are in perfect condition except for those scabs on your knees and elbows. How did you get those? Girl: (slightly emberrased) Well Doctor, those are rugburns from having sex doggie style. Doctor: Don't you know any other positions? Girl: Sure, but my DOG doesn't. Q: What does a gay undertaker do after a hard day at work? A: He goes downstairs to suck on a cold one. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A retired Marine Corps colonel was talking to his paratrooper son who had just graduated from jump school. Slapping his son on the back the colonel said, "Son, I'm damn proud of you. Come on, tell your old man about your first jump." "Well, dad, I really thought I was ready. We got to 5,000 feet and we all walked to the door. But when it was my turn, I froze and wouldn't jump," the son said. "Then my sergeant ordered me to jump, but I still couldn't. Finally, my sergeant whipped out his dick and said if I didn't jump, he'd shove it up my ass... "Well," his father barked, "did you jump?" "Oh, just a little at first." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A white guy says to a black one: W: Do you know why you're all black with just the palms of your hand and feet white ? B: Well...no W: Because when God painted you, you were still on all fours... Ahahaha B: And you, do you know why you're all white with just your asshole black ? W: ??? B: Because when the black fucked you, the paint wasn't dry... Two gays got married. Several months later, one of the gays met an old friend who asked how the marriage was going. "Terrible, answered the gay, terrible; he beats me up all the time. It's awfull." "Why don't you get divorced?", asked the friend. "We can't. We're Catholics." 3 old ladies are sitting on a park bench... a man comes up to them in a trench coat.... He flashes them.... the first old lady has a stroke.... the second old lady has a stroke.... the third can't reach, so she doesn't stroke. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 An old fella moves into a new area and being a golf addict one of the first things he does is visit the local golf club. The receptionist welcomes him and offers him a free round. The old guy accepts but says he must have a caddie as he is too frail to carry his own clubs. The receptionist apologises but unfortunately all the caddies and golf carts are already out on the course. The old guy is very disappointed to hear this and starts to leave. The receptionist, having considered the predicament, stops him and offers the guy the use of a prototype robot golf caddie. He explains that this is very new and very special, having been programmed with full details of the course, expert at club selection and capable of wind speed measurement. The old guy gladly accepts and begins his round of golf. Well he has the most amazing round of golf and due to the expert guidance from the robot he finishes the course way under his handicap. He returns the caddie to the receptionist and praises the performance of the robot to the heavens and goes home extremely happy. The next week the old guy returns to the golf club for another round and specially requests the use of the robot golf caddie. The receptionist explains that robot had been destroyed and therefore was not available. The old guy can't understand this, complaining that the robot was the best thing since sliced bread. The receptionist explained that the shiny metal used in the robots construction caused reflections of the sun to put other golfers off their strokes so it had to be destroyed. The old guy still can't understand such a small problem sealing the fate of the robot - why didn't they just paint it black? Well we tried that, said the receptionist, but things started to go missing, it came into work late ...... 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Subject: Re: Tasteless Chinese Dishes : Cream of Sum Yung Gai : Twice Chewed Beef : Prawns in Geisha Sauce : Ka Ka Gai Pan : Mu Shu Feet : Pu Pu Pork : Wai Tu Yung-Not available after 8 p.m. : Sum Yung Cunt 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 What is the difference between making love to a Teacher, Nurse and Airline Stewardess? The teacher says ... We are going to do it now and keep doing it until you get it right. The Nurse says ... Just lie back and be quite this won't hurt a bit. The Stewardess says .. I'm going to place this over your nose and month, try to breath normally. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 The wife comes home to her husband after having been to the doctor. "How did it go at the doctors?" asks the husband sympatheticaly. "Not very well at all" replies the wife, The doctor said "I had a nice pussy"! He said what??.... Are you sure he said that? Yes, he said "I had a nice pussy" replies the wife... So the husband has steam coming out his ears and says he's going to kick the doctors ass in the morning. The next morning the husband's at the front of the staff in the surgery room. He barges in and demands to know why he had been speaking so personaly to his wife. You said my wife has a nice pussy, I'm going to kick your ass! "I did not say that to your wife" states the doctor. "That would be against all doctors moral and ethical practice." "Look, If my wife says you said it, then you said it! Now kiss your ass goodbye, Let's go outside so I can beat the shit out of you for saying that. "Wait, wait, wait, wait" cries the doc, "Give me a minute and I'll go and check my medical records" Two minutes later the doctor returns, "NO I didn't say your wife had a NICE PUSSY, I said she had ACUTE ANGINA !" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Marketeers around the world are stunned by Intel's bold new marketing strategy: leasing of microprocessors. Customers will be able to lease chips with option to buy or to upgrade to the next generation which is guaranteed to be pin compabible (The chips have a special pinout with dozens of pins reserved for future use.) The chip is dubbed "Rentium." "Baldrick, I want to be young and wild, then middle aged and Rich, and then be old and annoy people by pretending to be deaf." (By E.Blackadder Butler to the Prince Regent) 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 THE DEAD PET SOCIETY This new web site is dedicated to all those loved ones given a shabby burial in the backyard or flushed down the toilet. If you wish to immortalize your beloved pet in the tombs of cyber-space for eternity, you can come and create your own tomb stone, crypt or vault and place it in the Virtual Pet Cemetery. To get to the Virtual Pet Cemetery, just use the world wide web http://www.lavamind.com/pet.html Heres one I enjoyed, reprinted without the authors permission o'well TOADS As a child, I used to catch baby toads in the drainage ditch near my home and pile them into a bucket. When the bucket was filled, I'd bring the toads home and the festivities would begin. I did everything with those toads from creating toad towns to toad roads to toad Olympics. Often, I would line up 3 to 5 toads and have a race. The toad which crossed the finish line last would have to pay for the defeat with a show of aerial acrobatics. In other words, I'd throw the poor loser high in the air and watch as it came back down to earth. Few lived to tell the tale. More than once, I resorted to punishing the losers by placing them in my toy cap gun and squeezing the trigger. I can still picture their pink little tongues popping out of their mouths after impact. Now that I am older and a pacifist, I regret my evil deeds as a young boy and wish to make amends by honoring all those dead toads with a Virtual Burial. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 ========================== The Official MIT Nerd Test ========================== Score one point for each YES. Total score is % nerdity. Good luck! 1. Have you ever used a computer? 2. Have you ever programmed a computer? 3. Have you ever built a computer? 4. Done #2 continuously for more than four hours? 5. Have you ever "fingered" anyone on a computer? 6. Did you enjoy it? 7. Do you wear glasses? 8. Are your glasses broken (e.g. taped) ? 9. Is your vision worse than 20/40? 10. Worse than 20/80? 11. Are you legally blind? 12. Have you ever asked a question in lecture? 13. Have you ever answered a question in lecture? 14. Have you ever corrected a professor? 15. Have you ever answered a rhetorical question? 16. Do you sit in the front row? 17. Do you take notes in more than one color? 18. Have you ever worn a calculator? 19. A pocket protector? 20. Have you ever used a microscope? 21. Have you ever used a telescope? 22. Have you ever used an oscilloscope? 23. Is your weight less than your IQ? 24. Have you ever programmed on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday of the same weekend? 25. Have you ever programmed past 4 am? 26. Have you ever programmed with someone of the appropriate (Either or both, your choice) sex (besides your consultant)? 27. Have you ever programmed for money? 28. Do you own a Rubik's Cube? 29. Can you solve it? 30. Without the book? 31. Without looking? 32. Do you have acne? 33. Do you have greasy hair? 34. Are you unaware of it? 35. Have you ever bought anything from Radio Shack? 36. Did you redesigned anything from Radio Shack? 37. Do you know how to use a sliderule? 38. Do you know calculus? 39. Do you know Maxwell's Equations? 40. Do you have them on a T-shirt? 41. Have you ever dissected anything? 42. Do you know pi past five decimal places? 43. Do you know e past five decimal places? 44. Do you own more than $500 in electronics (excluding stereo)? 45. More than $1000? 46. Have you ever built more than $1000 worth of electronics? 48. Have you ever designed a multistep chemical synthesis? 49. Was it fun? 50. Have you ever read The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy? 51. Was your math SAT more than 300 points higher than your verbal? 52. Have you ever worked on a Friday night? 53. While there's a party next door? 54. And wished that someone would invite you to over? 55. Have you ever played a computer game? 56. Done #55 in the last three months? 57. Done #55 in the last three weeks? 58. Have you ever written a computer game? 59. Are your pants too short? 60. Do your socks mismatch? 61. Have you used a chemistry set? 62. After the age of 13? 63. Have you ever played D&D (or other role-playing game)? 64. Since high school? 65. Have you ever entered a science fair? 66. Did you win? 67. Do you own a digital watch? 68. Does it play music? 69. Does it have a calculator? 70. Have you ever used a rare earth element? 71. Do you own a CRC? 72. Do you own a CRT? 73. Do you own an HP calculator? 74. Do you know how to use it? 75. Were you ever on a chess team? 76. Were you ever on a debate team? 77. Do you know more than three programming languages? 78. More than eight? 79. Have you ever made a technical joke? 80. Did no one get it? 81. Can you name more than ten Star Trek episodes? 82. Are you socially inept? 83. Do you own a pencil case? 84. Do you wear it? 85. Do you know Schrodinger's equation? 86. Have you ever solved it? 87. Have you ever used the word "asymptotic"? 88. Can you count in binary? 89. Have you ever broken into a computer system? 90. A government system? 91. Have you ever changed your bank account? 92. Changed someone else's? 93. Done #2 for money? 94. Have you ever inhaled helium? 95. Do you know the Latin name for a fruit fly? 96. Do you own anything that is radio controlled? 97. Have you ever interpolated? 98. Have you ever extrapolated? 99. Have you ever used a modem? 100. Have you ever reached sexual climax while doing #2? RANK CLASSIFICATION ------------------------------------------ 1-20 Totally cool, dude! 21-40 Your social life needs some serious help. 40-60 Nerd! 60-80 YOU need some serious help. 80-100 Hail, O Great Nerd Master. I have sacrificed some virgin, untouched sliderules in your name. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 HOW TO TALK ABOUT MEN AND STILL BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. He does not have a HOT BODY, he is ANATOMICALLY GIFTED. 2. He is not AFRAID OF COMMITMENT, he is RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED. 3. He does not have a NICE BUTT, he is a WELL-ROUNDED INDIVIDUAL. 4. He will never GO BALD, he will become FOREHEAD ENHANCED. 5. He is not a BEACH BUM, he is a COASTALLY-LOCATED AUSTRALIAN. 6. He is not wearing a RACING SUIT OR BANANA HAMMOCK(!!), he is SWIMWEAR DEPRIVED. 7. He will never get a BEER BELLY, he will become ABDOMINALLY EXTENDED. 8. He is not AFRAID TO GET MARRIED, he is AVOIDING DOMESTIC INCARCERATION. 9. He does not try to SCORE OR PICK YOU UP, he attempts a HORIZONTAL ENCOUNTER. 10.He does not LOSE HIS HAIR, he will become HAIR IMPAIRED. 11.He does not STUFF SOCKS IN HIS PANTS, he is a BULGELESS AUSTRALIAN. 12.He does not WEAR TOO MUCH COLOGNE, he commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE. 13.He does not get EXCITED, he experiences TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT. 14.He does not LOSE HIS JOB, he becomes INVOLUNTARILY LEISURED. 15.He is not SHORT, he is VERTICALLY CHALLENGED. 16.He does not have a WASHBOARD STOMACH, he is ABDOMINALLY DEFINED. 17.He does not SEND YOU FLOWERS, he practices BOTANICAL BRIBERY. 18.He does not GET AROUND, he is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION. 19.He is not CONCEITED OR COCKY, he is SELF STIMULATED. 20.He is not HANDSOME OR GOOD-LOOKING,he is OPTICALLY SUPERIOR. 21.He is not a TYPICAL HORNY GUY, he is SEXUALLY MOTIVATED. 22.He is not a GOOD KISSER, he is ORALLY SKILLED. 23.He is not an IMMATURE JERK, he is CHRONOLOGICALLY IMPAIRED. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A man had been getting these awful headaches. They were the most painful thing he had ever experienced. He had tried every medicine, therapy, massage, and hypnosis treatment available. Finally, one day, he is sitting with his doctor, and the doc says, "Sir, there is nothing more I can do for you. Medically, we have tried everything, and nothing is working. The only thing I can tell you is to try what I do when I get a headache. I go home, and lay my head between my wife's breasts, and take a nap for about 20 minutes. Miraculously, when I wake up, my headache is gone!" The man sighs, distraught at the fact that he is uncurable, and says, "OK, doc. I'll give it a shot." The next day the man comes running into the doctor's office happy as can be. "Doctor, doctor! It worked! I did exactly what you told me, and I'll be damned if I'm not cured!" The doctor smiled and said, "See, it's amazing what common household cures can do!" The man says, "You know, you're right. And another thing, doc...you've got a beautiful house!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 These are the things people fear most about buying a new computer. 59% of the people surveyed are afraid the computer they buy will become obsolete too quickly. 38% of the people surveyed are afraid of the cost of the computer. The other 3% of the people surveyed aren't afraid of anything because they're using stolen credit cards! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A magician had a pet parrot that he used in his show. The parrot had seen the act so many times that he was very bored. One day the magician got a job entertaining the passengers on an ocean liner. He went through his usual routine of pulling rabbits out of a hat and making them vanish and tossing glasses into the air, where they disappeared. All the while the parrot looked on, growing increasingly restless. Suddenly one night the boilers in the engine room of the ship exploded. The ship sank and the magician and the parrot found themselves sitting at opposite ends of a life raft. They sat and stared at each other saying nothing for quite a while, but curiosity finally overcame the parrot and he asked, "Okay, wiseguy, what did you do with it?" � QMPro 1.53 � If all else fails...blame the SysOp!!!!! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 So sometime in January, a Catholic guy marries a non-Catholic girl. Things are going well, as they always do at first, and like all young couples very much in love, the two are going at it like bunnies every night. Well, this goes on for about two months when she comes home late from work one Wednesday night, looking forward to another night of intimacy. But she walks in and finds him making up the sofa as a bed. "What's going on"? she asks. "Nothing," he replies, "I'm just going to be sleeping on the couch." "What's the matter? Are you upset because I had to work late"? she asks. "No, no," he says. "Did I say something to offend you"? she asks. "Of course not," he says. "Well, did I do something wrong"? she persists. "No, it's nothing like that. It's just that it's Lent." . . She pauses on this, then says, "that's ridiculous. To who and for how long"? ... * Tag-X Pro v1.13 * Does the Pope shit in the woods? Is a bear catholic? 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A guide was showing a Texan Niagara Falls. Guide: I'll bet you don't have anything like that in Texas. Texan: Nope, I reckon we don't, but we got plumbers that could fix it. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 The Pope dies and is transported to Heaven. St. Peter greets him and asks him what he'd like to do first. The Pope tells St. Peter he'd like to go to the library and read everything they have on the beginnings of Christianity. St. Peter takes him to the library, gets out many, many large, dusty volumes and leaves the Pope to begin his reading. A few hours later, St. Peter wonders how the Pope is doing so he goes into the library. He sees the Pope sitting at the table, with tears streaming down his cheeks, sobbing heavily. St. Peter asks the Pope what's wrong. The Pope points to one page of a book and, between sobs, loudly exclaims........ " The word is CELEBRATE!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Motorists driving to the Florida Keys will discover there is a strict code of ecology ethics developed by a committee of the Monroe Country Tourist Development Council. The Ten Keymandments are a set of golden rules to live by in the Keys, (viewed on billboards as motorists enter the string of islands on U.S.) 1 - Don't trash our place. (Or we'll send Bubba to trash yours.) 2 - Don't anchor on a reef. (Reefs are alive. ALIVE. A-L-I-V-E.) 3 - Don't feed the animals. (They'll want to follow you home. And you can't keep them.) 4 - Don't touch the coral. (After all, you don't even know them.) 5 - Don't speed. (Especially on Big Pine Key, where Key deer reside, and tar-and-feathering is still practiced.) 6 - Don't catch more fish than you can eat. (Better yet, let them go. Some of them support schools.) 7 - Don't collect conch. (This species is protected. By Bubba.) 8 - Don't disturb the bird nests. (They find it VERY annoying.) 9 - Don't damage the sea grass. (And don't even think about making a skirt out of it.) 10 - Don't drink and drive. On land or sea. (There's absolutely nothing funny about it.) 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Adam was talking to God one day and he decided to thank God for Eve. Adam said, "God, I just wanted to Thank you for giving me Eve, now I'm not so lonely and I have some one very pretty to look at. But I have just a few questions. Why did you make Eve so beautiful?" God replied, "So you would love her Adam." Adam asked, " Ok, but why did you make her body so curvy and so beautiful to look at?" God replied, "So you would love her Adam." Adam asked, " Ok, but why did you make her skin so soft and silky to touch?" God replied, "So you would love her Adam." Adam then asked, " Ok God, if you did all these things just so I would love her, I have one last question. Why did you make Eve so STUPID? She is dumber than a box of rocks. I just don't understand, why did you have to make her so STUPID? God replied, "So Eve would love you, Adam." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A SOUTHERNER MOVES UP NORTH Dec.8 5:00 P.M. It's starting to snow.The first of the season and the first one we've seen in years.The wife and I took our hot buttered rums and sat by the picture window,watching the soft flakes drift down,clinging to the trees and covering the ground.It was beautiful!!! Dec.9 We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape.What a fantastic sight.Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantle.I shoveled snow for the first time in years and loved it.I did both our driveway and our sidewalk.Later a city snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street.The driver smiled and waved.I waved back and shoveled it again. Dec.10 It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature has dropped to around 11.Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow.I shoveled our driveway again.Shortly afterwards the snowplow came by and did his trick again.Much of the snow is brownish-gray. Dec.11 Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temp. dropped again.Bought snow tires for both cars.Fell on my ass in the driveway.$145 for a chiropractor,but nothing was broken.more snow and ice expected. Dec.12 Still cold.Sold the wife's car and bought a 4x4 in order to get her to work.Slid into a guardrail anyway and did a considerable amount of damage to to the right rear quarter panel.Had another 8 inches of the white shit last night.Both vehicles covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me today.That damn snowplow came by twice today. Dec.13 2 degrees outside.More F*cking snow.Not a tree or shrub on our property that has'nt been damaged.Power was off most of the night.Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater,which tipped over and nearly burned the house down.I managed to put the flames out but suffered second degree burns on my hands and lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows.Car slid on ice on the way to the emergency room and was totaled. Dec.14 G*ddam mother-f*ckin' white shit keeps on coming down.Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the f*cking mailbox.If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch that drives the snowplow I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart!I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then comes down the street about 100 MPH and buries our driveway again!Power still out.Toilet froze and part of the roof has started to cave in. Dec.15 6 g*ddam more f*ckin' inches of the f*ckin' snow and f*ckin'sleet and f*cking ice and GOD knows what other kind of white f*cking shit fell last night.I wounded the f*cking snow plow asshole with an ice axe but he got away.Wife left me.Car won't start.I think I'm going snowblind.I can't move my toes.Have'nt seen the sun in weeks.More snow predicted.Wind chill is 22 f*cking degrees below.I'm moving back to North Carolina!!! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Three men are at the last stage of the hiring process for the CIA. The first one walks in and is handed a gun. The tester tells the man that in the next room his wife is bound, gagged and tied in a chair. The tester tells him to take the gun, go in and pump 2 rounds into his wife's head. The man looks at the tester, then the gun and tells him he can't do it. The tester tells the man that they have to have people that will obey orders without question and tells him he is not hired. The second man walks in and is handed the gun. The tester tells the man that in the next room his wife is bound, gagged and tied in a chair. The tester tells him to take the gun, go in and pump 2 round into his wife's head. The man looks at the tester, then the gun and walks into the room. 20 minutes later he comes and tells the tester that he couldn't do it. The tester tells the man they have to have people that will obey orders without question and that he isn't hired. The 3rd man walks into the room and is handed the gun. The tester tells him that in the next room is his wife, bound, gagged and tied in a chair. He tells the man to go in and pump 2 rounds into her head. The man enters the room and closes the door. About 10 seconds later the tester hears 4 shots. Then all of a sudden he hears banging and thumping. He hears a windows being broken and furniture being thrown around. This goes on for about 20 minutes. Finally the man walks out of the room. His clothes are torn. He's bleeding from numerous cuts, patches of hair are torn out of his head. The tester looks at him and asks him what happened. The man looks at the tester and asks, "Who in the hell put blanks in that gun? It took me 15 minutes to strangle her." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴