컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 栢� 栢� 栢芳 栢芳 栢栢芳 栢� 栢� 栢栢栢� 栢栢栢芳 栢� 栢� 栢栢� 栢栢� 栢�袴栢� 栢� 栢� 栢�谷栢芳 훤袴谷舫 栢栢栢舫 栢栢芳 栢�栢栢�栢� 栢栢栢舫 栢� 栢� 栢붜排栢� 栢�� 栢�袴栢� 훤袴暠 栢뵌栢�송舫 栢�袴栢� 栢� 栢� 栢栢�송舫 栢�� 栢� 栢� 栢� 훤� 栢� 栢� 栢� 栢� 栢栢栢芳 휩栢栢排� 栢� 훤� 훤� 훤� 훤� 훤� 훤� 훤� 훤袴袴暠 훤袴袴� 훤� Here goes, another great collection of jokes, taglines, funny stories and assorted humour assembled from my mail packets over the last few months. All H-MAIL joke archives and kept and maintained at 旼컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴커 � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 � � The HMVH Corporation � 읕컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴켸 Bulletin Board System [+27 11] (011) 941-1341 USR V.34/V.fc (24 Hours) 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 101 Things NOT to say during sex 1. But everybody looks funny naked! 2. You woke me up for that? 3. Did I mention the video camera? 4. Do you smell something burning? 5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead... 6. Try breathing through your nose. 7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone! 8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant? 9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door? 10. But whipped cream makes me break out. 11. Person 1: This is your first time..right? Person 2: Yeah.. today 12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour! 13. Can you please pass me the remote control? 14. Do you accept Visa? 15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ 16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights. 17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend! 18. So much for mouth-to-mouth. 19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay? 20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober... 21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo! 22. Do you get any premium movie channels? 23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya! 24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch! 25. Got any penicillin? 26. But I just brushed my teeth... 27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera! 28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs! 29. I want a baby! 30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies! 31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work? 32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth... 33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting? 34. I think you have it on backwards. 35. When is this supposed to feel good? 36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs! 37. You're good enough to do this for a living! 38. Is that blood on the headboard? 39. Did I remember to take my pill? 40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? 41. I wish we got the Playboy channel... 42. That leak better be from the waterbed! 43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries! 44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.. 45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed? 46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.. 47. No, really... I do this part better myself! 48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate! 49. This would be more fun with a few more people.. 50. You're almost as good as my ex! 51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape? 52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes? 53. You look younger than you feel. 54. Perhaps you're just out of practice. 55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion! 56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash. 57. Now I know why he/she dumped you... 58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun? 59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated. 60. What tampon? 61. Have you ever considered liposuction? 62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner! 63. What are you planning to make for breakfast? 64. I have a confession... 65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home! 66. Are those real or am I just behind the times? 67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child? 68. Is that a hanging sculpture? 69. You'll still vote for me, won't you? 70. Did I mention my transsexual operation? 71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something! 72. Did you come yet, dear? 73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about... 74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time! 75. Does this count as a date? 76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you! 77. Hic! I need another beer for this please. 78. I think biting is romantic- don't you? 79. Q: You can cook, too right? A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?) 80. When would you like to meet my parents? 81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself? 82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"? 83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names. 84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed. 85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls? 86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light? 87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman. 88. Sorry but I don't do toes! 89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it! 90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO! 91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper... 92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer". 93. So that's why they call you Mr. Flash! 94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer! 95. Is this a sin too? 96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain! 97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn? 98. Long kisses clog my sinuses... 99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise... 100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"? 101. You mean you're NOT my blind date? 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 My girlfriend always seemed to enjoy seeing how much she could get away with doing some form of bondage stuff in public. She does this partly because she finds it fun, mostly because she knows it drives me out of my tree. Usually, I's able to fast- talk my way out of potentially embarrassing situations with Mundanes, but yesterday she very nearly got me fired. Yesterday afternoon we had lunch together. Afterward, she accompanied me back to work. I thought this slightly unusual, since she had never before expressed in interest in my work (electronic engineering), but it didn't occur to me that she had something planned. We arrived at my workbench, where I currently trying to figure why the $&#%@^$ board on which I am working is not performing the way it is designed. "Is this where you work?" she asked. "At the moment," I replied. I reached over to turn on the scope, thereby completely failing to notice the huge black studded collar she had produced from her purse. Before I could blink (it's amazing the speed at which she can do this), she had locked the collar snugly around my neck, and locked the end of the 6 foot jack chain to the center of the bench ( where there just happened to be a mounting hole, dammit). I turned to her in utter disbelief, mouth agape. "I'll be back for you at five," she said. "HAVE YOU GONE COMPLETELY WACKO!??!?!", I yelled in a hushed voice. "How the hell am I going to explain this!?!?!" "You'll think of something", she said, dropping the keys into her cleavage, "you always do". "But suppose I have to go to the bathroom", I countered. "Don't give me that", she hissed, "I've seen you go a whole day without visiting the bathroom" "But....," I tried to say. "SHHH! The subject is closed. I'll be back at five. Bye" She turned around and left, against my hushed protests. I sat in panic and tried to think out my situation. I tried to think of who might visit. Most of my co-workers were friends who knew that my girlfriend and I were a bit odd, so this shouldn't surprise them. But I had *no* idea what I was going to do if one of my bosses came in. I checked my watch to see how long I would have to endure this ignominy. 13:30 (I'm a military time weenie). "Three and a half hours," I thought. I heaved a heavy sigh, and got to work, such as I could. As it happened, three of my co-workers visited for what-not. All of them immediately noticed the collar (it would be hard not to) and asked if it was my girlfriend's idea. I said yes. They asked what I would do if my supervisor saw it. I told them I hadn't the faintest idea. One of the aforementioned colleagues took the bench next to me, and after a few remarks (and a question as to where he could get such a collar), settled down to work in silence. After some time, I checked my watch. 16:40. "Gee, I just might make it through this after all," I thought. I was even beginning to get a handle on the problem with the $#%&&$# board on which I was working. Murphy must have been standing right behind me, reading my thoughts, for not two minutes later one of my bosses entered the room. And not just any boss. Noooooooo. This was Mr. Narrowminded himself. This was the guy who took Lifespring *and* became a born-again funda- mentalist. How he came to have the power of hire-and-fire over us is one of the Great Mysteries of The Universe. We avoided this guy at all costs. His eyes fell upon me immediately. A few picoseconds later, he saw the collar around my neck in all it's splendor. "My life is over," I thought. I still hadn't thought of a plausible explanation for this. Mr Solderbrain (the name we called him behind his back; a corruption of his real name) started to walk slowly and deliberately over to me, his eyes fixed on the collar. Fifteen agonizing seconds later, he was standing next to me. I thought the guy sitting next to me was going to have seizures stifling all his giggles. I continued to work, acting as though there were nothing the least bit unusual about my predicament. Finally, he spoke. "What. the. HELL! is. THAT!?!?!" he said. I don't know how I thought of what I said. In fact, I'm pretty sure I didn't know what I was going to say until I was saying it. I'm even more amazed that Solderbrain actually bought it and didn't fire me on the spot. I turned to face him calmly, with total nonchalance, exuding complete confidence in what I was about to say, even though I didn't know what it was yet. I didn't even miss a beat. "Grounding strap," I said, and returned to work. The guy next to me fell off his chair and nearly died laughing. � QMPro 1.53 � Hell (n): Backing up a 600meg drive with 360k floppies. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Q: What do you call a mermaids arse? A: Saltycrack... Van Walks into a bar in the states wearing a T-Shirt that has the words "Typical Kaffir" accross the front. The Barman happens to be eight foot, built like a brick shithouse, and yep, you guessed it ... black. Van orders a beer and the "dude" looks at him and says "What does that shirt say?" Van mutters under his breath "typical kaffir, can't read" Barman "What did you just say". Van, a little louder this time .."typical kaffir, can't hear!" The barman decides to take this outside, so the assistant takes over and out they step. 5 minutes and lots of noise later, Van steps back in alone, brushing himself off. He walks up to the bar and says "BEER .. NOW!" The assistant delivers a beer post haste and asks what just happened. Van replies "Typical Kaffir, brings a knife to a gun fight!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Koos and Van are visiting whats left of the Berlin wall. Koos spots an old guy who looks just like Goebles so he asks Van who HE thinks it is. Van says, funny, but I'd swear that was Goebles, But he disappeared after the wall. Just the Koos pipes up "Hey , isn't that Adolf next to him?". So they decide to go and ask. They walk over and looking at Hitler, they ask "Aren't you Adolf"? Goebles answers for them "Jarwhol .. Das is der furher?" Van and koos are totally taken aback so they ask what the oldtimers are doing there. "Ve are her to start ze fourth Reich" says Goebles... Well, what are you plans asks Van. "Ve are going to kill 40 million jews und 2 postmen!" Van and koos look at each other a bit funny and Van asks: "Why 2 postmen?" Goebles turns to Hitler and says "See, told you no-one would give a shit about 40 million jews!" ... Guns don't kill! It's those little hard things that fly out the front! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 The year is 2010 and the British government's socialised medicine has been extended to include proxy fathers. This means that any married woman not having had a child in the first five years of marriage must receive the services of the government man who will attempt to be the means of her becoming a mother. The Smiths have no children and the government man is due to arrive. Mr. Smith leaves for work. He has a hang-dog look as he pecks his wife dutifully on the cheek. Mr. Smith: "I'm off. The government man should be here early." He leaves, and she pretties herself, putting on her most attractive negligee. But, instead of the government man, a door-to-door photographer, specialising in babies' photos knocks on the door. Photographer: Oh, good morning. You probably don't know me, but I represent... Mrs. Smith: Ah, yes, you needn't explain, my husband said to expect you. Photographer: I make a speciality of babies, especially twins. Mrs. Smith: That is what my husband said. Please sit down. Photographer: Then your husband probably told you that... Mrs. Smith: Oh yes, we both agreed that it was the best thing to do. Photographer: Well, in that case we may as well get started. Mrs. Smith: Just where do we start? (blushing) Photographer: Just leave everything to me. I recommend two in the bathtub, one on the couch and a couple on the floor. Mrs. Smith: Bathtub, floor... No wonder Harry and I never... Photographer: Well, madam, even the best ones cannot guarantee a good one everytime. But say, out of six, one is bound to be a good one. I usually have the best luck with shots in the bathroom. Mrs. Smith: Pardon me, but it seems a bit informal. Photographer: No indeed. In my line of work a man can't do his best work in a hurry. (He opens his album and shows her the baby pictures) Look at this baby, it's a good job. It took four hours, but ain't she a beauty? Mrs. Smith: Yes, it is a lovely child. Photographer: And for a tough job just look at this baby. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in Piccadilly circus. Mrs. Smith: Oh god... Photographer: It's not as hard when a man knows his job. My work is a pleasure. I spent long years perfecting my technique. Now, take this baby. I did it in one shot in Alexandr�'s window. Mrs. Smith: I can't believe it... Photographer: And here is a picture of the prettiest twins in town. It turned out exceptionally well, when you consider how difficult it was. I knocked the job off in Hyde Park on a snowy afternoon. It took from two in the afternoon 'till five, and I've never worked under so difficult conditions. People were crowding around, four to five deep, pushing to get a look. Mrs. Smith: Four to five deep..? Photographer: Yes, more than three hours. But I had two bobbies helping me. I could have done another before dark but by that time the squirrels were already nibbling at my equipment and I had to give up. Well, madam, if you are ready I'll set up my tripod and get to work. Mrs. Smith: Tripod? Photographer: Yes, I always use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It is much too heavy for me to use for any length of time... MRS. SMITH? MRS. ...OOOOH GOOD LORD, MRS. SMITH - YOU HAVE FAINTED!!! .---. .------------------- / \ ___ / ---------------/ Bird's Greetz from / / \(. .)/ ------------/ The Bird's Nest Bulletin Board ////// ' \|/ ` ---------/ +27-11-839-1310 //// / // : : -------/ 24hrs, RA2.02+, 10CD's // / / /` '----/ // //...\\ christo.badenhorst@birdsnest.fast.iaccess.za ====UU====UU==== '///||\\\` 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 YOU KNOW YOU'VE HIT THE SECOND DECADE WHEN... You start referring to girls as women; Some of your friends are getting married; You and your parents seem to suddenly have the same taste in music; Most of the nude models you used to ogle at are younger than you; You judge cars on fuel economy and safety features, not top speed and acceleration; Most of your expenses go towards food, rent and insurances; You start calling teenagers 'youngsters' and 'kids'; You call yourself a bachelor; A relatively large amount of music you hear is produced by people younger than you; You get tired too soon; Birthdays become more frequent; You become a bit more selective with your diet; You consider writing a will; You start saying 'when I was a kid...'; Some of your favourite jokes become really silly; You wish you were back at school; Now that you have your own car, you wonder what it's like to make out on this back seat; You decide to grow a beard, and actually succeed; You also worry about going bald; Things your parents used to tell you years ago actually start making sense; You wish you were much younger in order to excuse your behaviour; You develop a conscience; Some of your friends are getting divorced; You get forgetful and run out of stupid things to write. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 SURGEONS CONFERENCE: 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� At the Micro Surgeons conference in London the leading surgeons were in the bar and, being drunk as skunks, began to reminisce over their feats. The first, an Australian surgeon, explained: "We had a mate caught in a printing press last year and all that was left of him was his little finger. Our teams of surgeons constructed a new hand and built a new arm, engineered a new body and ultimately, when he returned to the work force, he was so efficient he put five men out of work. "That's nothing," added the American surgeon, "We had a worker trapped inside a nuclear reactor and all that was left of him was his hair. We constructed a new skull, a new torso and new limbs and returned him to the work force. He is so efficient now he has put 30 men out of work. The South African surgeon was not to be outdone: "I was walking down the street when I got the smell of a fart. So I took it back to the hospital in a garbage bag, let it loose on the table and we got to work. First of all, we wrapped an arsehole around it, built a bum around that, attached a body to one end and legs to the other. Gradually it turned into Nelson Mandela and now he has put the whole fucking country out of work." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 WHAT IS CAPITALISM? A small boy asked his father, a banker, to define the meaning of capitalism. To do so, the father drew on a decidedly homely analogy. "I do the work and support our family, so I represent capital," he explained. "Your mother runs the house - she is management. Maria, the maid, does the chores. She is labour. And your baby brother, Allan, represents the future. That, in a nutshell, is how capitalism works." During the night, the baby brother fouled his nappy and the older boy went to look for Maria. He found the maid in her room, in bed with his father. "Now I understand," the boy mused, noiselessly closing the door. "Capital is screwing labour, manage- ment is asleep - and the future stinks." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Background: A firm in Germany ordered coffee from a wholesaler in the United States. While the coffee was enroute, a couple of bags broke open and rats rested in the coffee. The German firm sent the following letter concerning the condition of the coffee: 371 Wilhelmstrasse Hamburg, Germany Schentlemens, Der last two peckatches ve got from you off koffee was mit rattschidt gemikst. Der koffee may be gut enuff, but der ratt durds schboils der trade. Ve dit not see der rattschidt in den sambles vich you sent us for examinaschnn. It takes so mutch time to pik den ratt durds from der koffee. Ve order der kleen koffee and you schipt schidt mit der koffee. It was a mistake, ja? Ve like you to schipp us der koffee in vun sak under der rattschidt in der uder sak, denn ve miks it to suit den customer. Write plees, if ve schouldt schipp der schidt bek und keep der koffee, oder if ve schouldt keep der schidt und schipp der koffee bak, or schipp der hold schidden furks bak. Ve vant to do rite in dis madder, but ve don't like diss rattschidt bisiness. Mit mutch respekts, Karl Gruennenschidt. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 SAFETY FIRST GUARANTEE: This certifies that I, the undersigned female, about to enjoy sexual intercourse with ................... am of lawful age of consent, and in my right mind and not under the influence of any drug or narcotic. Neither does he have to use force, threats or pro- mises to influence me. I am in no fear of him whatsoever, do not expect or want to marry him, don't know whether he is married or not, and don't care. I am not asleep or drunk and am entering into this relationship with him because I love it and I want it as much as he does, and if I receive the satisfaction I expect, I am willing to play an early return engagement. Furthermore, I agree never to appear as witness against him, or to prosecute him under the Man White Slave Act. Signed before jumping into bed this ............ day of ............... 19...... WITNESS MY HAND AND SEAL By ..................... Address ................ ........................ ........................ Telephone .............. ... Practice safe fax - use a cover sheet. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 New York, __ -- People for the Ethical Treatment of Software (PETS) announced today that seven more software companies have been added to the group's "watch list" of companies that regularly practice software testing. "There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so that companies like these can market new products," said Ken Granola, spokesperson for PETS. "Alternative methods of testing these products are available." According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo lengthy and arduous tests, often without rest, for hours or days at a time. Employees are assigned to "break" the software by any means necessary, and inside sources report that they often joke about "torturing' the software. "It's no joke," said Granola. "Innocent programs, from the day they are compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and 'crashed' for hours on end. They spend their whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained computers, and are unceremoniously deleted when they're not needed anymore." Granola said the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and is infested with bugs. We know alternatives to this horror exist," He said, citing industry giant Microsoft Corporation as a company that has become extremely successful without resorting to software testing. -From Somewhere on the Internet 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Two fellows grew up in the platteland, and when they were grown, one of them said he was going to town to seek his fortune. The other one said he'd stay home and look after the farm and their parents. The one in the citybecame a salesman, soon was sales manager, and then vice chairman and CEO of the company. Before long, his business was bought out by a big company. In a little while, he became CEO of the parent company. One day he got a call from his brother on the farm, who said, "Daddy died, and the funeral is Friday." He said, "Oh, my goodness. I have to leave Thursday for a big merger meeting in Japan. I just can't come, but I want you to give Daddy the best funeral you can get and send the bill to me. It's the least I can do." Well, the brother did that, and in a few weeks, the successful brother received a bill for R30,000., and he paid it. The following month, a bill for R1000 came. Thinking they had forgotten something, he paid it. The next month, another bill for R1000. came, and he paid that one, too. When another R1000. bill arrived the third month, he called his brother and asked if he knew why he was getting these bills. "Oh, yes," the brother said, "I think I do. See, when we got Daddy all dressed up in his old serge suit in that new casket with that polished wood and satin lining, he just didn't look right, and since you said you wanted the best, we rented him a tuxedo." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A policeman was checking up about a robbery in a home. The policeman asked the lady of the house, "This is the messiest room I ever saw. You should have reported the robbery right away." The woman said, I didn't know it was a robbery. I thought my husband had been looking for a clean shirt!" One morning, an agitated John came to Joe with the bad news, "Rose is pregnant! We're going to be a father!" Joe, the more reserved of the two, calmed his partner and reminded him that things could be much worse. They were both well-off, and could easily afford the costs of raising the child. Rose would have the best care available, her child would attend only the finest schools, and neither would want for anything. The child would have the benefit of having two fathers, both of which were caring and well-educated. Gradually, John got used to the idea of fatherhood. When the big day came, both were at the hospital awaiting the news of their offspring's birth. Finally, John could take no more and went outside to take a walk. When he returned an hour later, Joe had the news. "We had twins," said Joe, "and mine died." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 THE SERMON ON THE MONITOR Dearly C-loved, We are BASICally assembled here today because BBS-ing is believing. We're here to console you; ASCII and ye shall receive. We say there is a life worth debugging! Data, data everywhere, but not a thought to think, that is the problem...Dear friends, perhaps you've interfaced with someone out there with a terminal illness, some poor hacker with bloodshot eyes in data distress who's been attacked by the evil one, Glitch, and his wicked helper Crosslink, someone whose FAT is truly in the fire. Even if your data has been blown all to HAL and it's your cluster's last stand, there's not a thing we can do to bring it back. But, we can solace you in your hour of need. And that is why the Giver Of Data has downloaded to me, from his heavenly host mainframe, at 14,400 baud error-free, the Keyboard Prayer for the data distressed. Now, let us make the sign of the monitor, (trace a square with your finger in the air), bow our heads, and pray in parallel. THE KEYBOARD PRAYER Our program who art in memory, HELLO be thy name. Thy keyboard hum, Thy work be done, On disk as it is in memory. Give us our data In key-field order And forgive us our I/O errors, As we forgive those with faulty logic circuits, And lead us not into frustration, But deliver us from power surges. For thine is the algorithm, the application and the solution, looping forever and ever. Return! And as we prepare to leave this hallowed place, I would refresh your memory from the blessed writings of Saint Steve Jobe, where he said: GO PLACIDLY among the line noise and baudrates, and remember what boredom there was before BBSing. As far as possible, do not covet your neighbors HST. Answer your Email clearly and without typos, even to the nerds that pester you, for they have something to say even if you can't figure out what it is. Avoid female impersonators in chat, for they are dangerous to your ego. If you compare yourself with others, you may consider The Way of Doctor Kovarkin; for there is always someone more proficient in Zmodem than yourself. Label thy disks. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; even after staying up all night downloading. Exercise caution in your business affairs; because you need the money to pay your Compu$erve bill. But let this not blind you to what enjoyment there is on your local BBS where many persons strive for the most recent shareware; and uploads get you more time on line. Be yourself. Especially, do not lie about your age or looks when responding to Email from "Sexylady." Do not post messages in all caps. Neither be cynical about donations to the sysop; for in the face of all reality, he needs the money for the phone lines. Beware of viruses. Take kindly the counsel of Phil Katz and Chuck Forsberg, gracefully admitting that they know more than you will ever learn. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you from sudden hard disk crashes. But do not distress yourself with needless worry. Many fears are born of fatigue from being connected all night to Prodigy. Register your shareware. Yes, Amen, and E-O-F; Register your shareware, NOW! You are a child of the universe; you have a right to buy a 9600 V-Series Hayes. And weather or not it is clear to _you_, the communications program is understandable. Read the docs. Therefore be at peace with thy moderator, no matter what a jerk he is, and whatever your BBS plans may be. Take your wife out to dinner occasionally, but only if your modem supports the ATA command and will answer whilst you are absent. With all its bad documentation, high registration fees, and aborted downloads, ShareWare is still better than paying for commercial software. Be cheerful. Strive to pay your phone bill, but better if you pay it on time. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Three aging dolphins were recently released from Sea World into the wild off the Florida coast, but they kept returning again and again, doing their old act. Witnesses said it was like watching the Rolling Stones. ----- Here's a driving tip for those of you who drive on the freeways: if you ever rear-end the car in front of you, your first move should be to hang up the phone. ----- A business executive is someone who talks golf in the office and business on the golf course. ----- "I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," said the young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me, I'm on my way." "Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "I'm going with you!" ----- After the wife of a well-known swindler had her kitchen remodeled and asked her husband to pay the contractor, he said, "Give him some of the new money I just printed. After all, he's a counter fitter." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� I hear today that Steven Spielberg is coming to South Africa to make a movie. The story is about the lives of Allan Boesak and Winnie Mandela. Name of the movie: Swindler's List. Van decided to move away from the new S.A. because of all the violence, so he moved to Australia. He bought a BIG farm there and within a week of moving in, he got a visit from his neighbour. "Hi there Van , my name is Gert and I am your new neighbour. I live about 40 miles East." said the neighbour. "Howzit", replies Van. "So what were you going to do this week-end?", enquires the neighbour. "Ag, not much, why?" "No well I was going to have a party over at my place and I was wondering if you would like to come. There will be lots of booze and LOTS of sex!!!", Gert told Van. "Hey well, I definately will be coming. What must I wear?" asked Van. "Oh, don't worry about dressing up, it will just be the two of us." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 > An owner of a chinese restuarant and his wife were sleeping when his > wife goes to him and says (chinese accent ) "Honey let's have sex" The > husband agrees and they were banging away and the chinese wife then goes > (chinese accent) "HONEY ME WANT 69, ME WANT 69!!". Then husband who is > confused, replies "WHY THE FUCK DO YOU WANT PORK FRIED RICE NOW?" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 : > Confucious says "Man who looks to the sky for wisdom gets a kink : > in his neck" : Confucious also say: "He who go to bed with itchy butt, wake up with : smelly finger" He who farts in church, sits in his own pew. here's an old classic: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore will fuck anybody; a bitch will fuck anybody but you. : TWA stewardess asks the businessman if he'd like some TWA coffee. He replies : no, but would like some of her TWA tea. What's the difference between a flight attendant and an airplane? Not everyone has been in an airplane. I was walking down the street the other day when I saw a friend of mine sitting on the curb beside his car. I noticed one of the car's tires was slashed, so I asked him what happened. "I ran over a milk bottle," he said. "A milk bottle!" I cried. "They're pretty big; why didn't you steer around it?" "Ah," he replied, "the damn kid had it hidden under his jacket." I was chatting with a customer today whose husband is a refrigerator repairman in the interior region of BC. It seems that a customer called up looking for him as her fridge was not working. The wife, who has experence helping her husband took the call. The problem was diagnosed as a "Vapour Lock" in a propane fired fridge and the cure was " turn the fridge upside down for a few minutes to allow the lock to clear then put it back and all should be well". Fine. Now a little later the customer, now furious, called back and said, "Why didn't you tell me to empty the fridge first!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 An elderly man, wearing a threadbare coat with a yellow star sewn on the lapel, is sitting alone in a train compartment. He fishes a newspaper-wrapped packet, which he unwraps, revealing some fish which he sets about eating, neatly replacing the bones in the packet. When he has finished eating, he wraps the newspaper around the bones and stuffs the packet back into his pocket. At that moment, the train stops at a railway station and a Colonel from the Waffen-SS enters the cab and sits down in front of the Jew, who does not seem to react to the officer's presence. The train starts rolling again. Once the train has gathered som speed, the officer, satisfied that his prey cannot escape by getting off, leans over: - You're a Jew, aren't you? ...you know, I should have you shot on the spot... But then again, maybe not. You see, there's something I'd like you to tell me. What I want to know is, how come you Jews are so damned smart? The Jew stares at the officer and smiles knowingly. He answers: - Well, you know - I'm not supposed to tell you this - I mean, it's a well guarded secret among Jews. The officer, who seems really eager to get this piece of information, gets all excited. - Well, look at it this way. I pay you two hundred mark, you tell me, and I let you go and don't tell anyone you told me. - Ah, in that case - well, what it really is, is that we _eat_ something that - you know - makes us smart. - And what may *that* be? - Now that *really* is a secret. I'm sorry, but I *really* can't tell you. - All right. I'll be generous. Let's make it *four* hundred mark if you tell me what it is. The Jew fishes out his packet again, and says: - That's it. By an immense effort of will, the Colonel refrains from lunging for the packet. Instead, he says, very escitedly: - Look. Here's what we do. I pay you *eight* hundre mark, you give me the packet, I eat it and get smart, you get away, and everyone's happy. The Jew pockets the money and gives the officer the packet. The SS unwraps it, and starts eating the fish bones one by one. The Jew watches him with an amused smile. Suddenly, the officer stops eating, stares thoughtfully at the fish bones for a few seconds, then at the old man, then again, perplexed, at the bones, and finally says, outraged: - You *bastard*! You extort eight hundred mark out of me, make me eat fish bones, make a fool out of me, and expect to get away with it? How dare you challenge an officer of the Wehrmacht! - You see, says the old man gently, you already _are_ getting smarter... 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 ********************* NOTICE: Virus Alert ********************* The title of this message should probably read no more good times. There is a new type of virus making its way across the net causing major problems for users and administrators alike. What makes this virus so terrifying is that it is passed on by the very people it infects. This virus has already caused massive network bandwidth clogging and eaten up millions of megabytes of disk space. This new mutating virus can infect machines of any type, running any operating system. It can be passed through Email, News or even bulletin boards. The only requirement is that the host machine must be connected to the information superhighway in some way. Luckily we now have a good means of detecting the virus. It often included in a message with a title like: "New E-mail virus detected" or "Warning: Good Times virus is back". It usually takes the form of an otherwise innocent looking message warning about another virus called Good Times. The reality is that the good times virus is just a red herring and the actual virus is the warning message itself. This terrifying virus causes people to make multiple copies of the warning message, sending it to every place they can think of. The virus quickly propagates across building, company, country and even world wide networks. This virus must be stopped. Do not pass the good times warnings along. We must kill these messages wherever we see them. This notice has been brought to you by SERTZ. We are dedicated to keeping the internet free of these types of viruses. Please pass this notice along by mailing to mail-lists or posting to news groups. We must get the word out. Note: when sending this warning out title the message Good Times so that people will recognize it. Rand Whillock whillock@src.honeywell.com 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Attention Students It has come to our attention that several of you have felt it necessary to engage in pagan rituals during passing periods. While we can't allow goats in and out of the building due to fire hazards (And the FFA is getting suspicious of the whereabouts of the cattle) we will allow incense and hooded robes with a permit only. Human sacrifice must be kept, preferably, to a minimum, seeing as we are beginning to run low on faculty members. Also the janitors are beginning to complain about the giant pentagrams. The Principle is beginning to grow irritated with the recurring jack-o-lanterns he finds on his desk every morning with a knife plunged in its side and a note reading "YOU." If this sort of behavior persists, we shall be forced to notify Master Satan. As you all are aware by now, Mr. Satan has been kind enough to give us a wonderful deal on the sale of our souls. In light of these recent events, we have found it necessary to set up new guidelines for future sences and/or demon conjuring. 1.) The shedding of blood must be within the yellow parking lines only. (CAUTION: Please wear plastic gloves when dealing with blood, due to the fact that AIDS is a equal rights disease, and no one is immune... Not even Satan.) 2.) Remember: The Pit of Despair is not used as a trash receptacle, please keep all Coke cans out of hell because they are having a problem with recycling their crap already. 3.) The fetal pigs in the Biology labs are ONLY THERE FOR DISSECTION. But feel free to pillage the AG farm at any opportunity. We do realize that Satanic sacrifice is a dirty job, we are just asking you to clean it up.. We thank you for your understanding and hope that you will adhere to these requests. Sincerely, THE MGNT. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Top Ten Rejected X Files Scripts 1) Title: "C. Brown" Summery: Fox and Dana stake out a pumpkin patch waiting for a reported floating orange figure which only appears in the presence of a certain bald headed child. 2) Title: "Just a movie?" Summery: Fox uncovers the secret alien past of the "Stargate Ancient Egyptian Remote Planet Tours and Themepark" through the cryptic hieroglyphics found on ancient bathroom walls. 3) Title: "Trouble in isle 10" Summery: Aliens make large public landing in the 'Target' department store parking with the intention of shopping early before the Christmas rush. Guest star: Rossane Arnold. 4) Title: "Bay view" (Part 1/2) Summery: Fox and Dana are called to investigate a California beach where everything is clearly not natural. This is a two part episode which cliffhangs with Dana barley escaping the charm of the head lifeguard. 5) Title: "Time 9:02.10" (Part 2/2) Summery: This is the second part of a two part episode. Fox and Dana find the source of the unnatural events which are emanating from a high school that only produces picture perfect students. 6) Title: "Vipers in the sky" Summery: Fox plays an April fools joke on Dana by trying to convince her that his not-so-super secret FBI person 'leaked' information about the television program Battle Star Galactia and its factual past. 7) Title: "Area 51" Summery: A top secret military base once thought to contain captured alien spacecraft and experimental planes to actually be a place for 'Northwest' pilots to discretely land and get plastered. 8) Title: "The X files Christmas special" Summery: Fox and Dana witness a graphic "tail hook" type Christmas party where all traces of are which are covered-up in military fashon. 9) Title: "Psychic friends" Summery: Certain 900 numbers which had been previously classified for entertainment purposes only are actually the real thing. 10) Title: "X Windows" Summery: A node (borge.big.cube.mil) [on the now Politically Correct Internet] is uncovered by Fox to actually be run by aliens spying on our every move. "The source (code) is out there..." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 [Heard on the radio recently in Ithaca, NY] "Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark attacks. If you are diving and are approached by a shark they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it in the nose as hard as possible." "If this doesn't work, beat the shark with your stump." I dated a woman once, we were sitting around one evening and she "pooted" (ie, cut the cheese). It was a major blast. Sheepishly, she looked at me and said, "Maybe I should change my name to Wendy." I thought about it a second and said, "How about Gale?" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the vestibule. When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on "The Ten Commandments." After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his had vigorously, and told him "I want to thank you preacher for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it." Preacher: "You mean the commandment 'I shall not steal' changed your mind?" Old Man: "No, the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that I remember where I left my old hat!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Robert Knight, after his team had been sent home from the tournament, began considering his career, his future, and, as his thoughts turned that direction, the afterlife. So he contacted his local minister to discuss the issue. "Reverend, will I be able to coach basketball in Heaven?", he inquired. Now, of course, his minister didn't want to give a glib answer, so he told Bobby that he wanted to pray for a while and ask for some divine inspiration before responding to his question. After a week of prayer, the minister called the coach into his study, and asked him to take a seat. "Robert," he said, "I have some good news for you, and some bad news." "What's the good news?", asked Coach Knight. "Well, the good news is that yes, you will be able to coach basketball in Heaven," replied the minister. "And the bad news?" asked coach Knight (grimacing, probably having heard jokes like this before). "Well, Bob," responded the minister, "you'll be coaching the visiting team." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 "In retrospect, lighting the match was my mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve my son's rat." Dick Stone told doctors in the severe burns unit of San Francisco City Hospital. Admitted for emergency treatment after an attempt to retrieve the rat had gone seriously wrong, he explained, "My son left the cage door open, so his rat, Vermin, escaped into the garage. As usual, it looked for a good place to hide, and ran up the exhaust pipe of my motorcycle. I tried to retrieve Vermin by offering him food attached to a string, but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the pipe and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what had happened next. "The flame ignited a pocket of residual gas and a flame shot out the pipe igniting Mr. Stone's mustache and severely burned his face. It also set fire to the pet rat's fur and whiskers which, in turn, ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the exhaust pipe which propelled the rodent out like a cannonball." Stone suffered second- degree burns, and a broken nose from the impact of the pet rat. His son was grounded for 6 weeks. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Matt and I were talking about a girl he is currently pursuing. Matt was telling me how he didn't understand why he was even attracted to her; in his opinion, they are from different worlds. "Well," I said, "she's a volatile person and so are you." "Volatile?" quoth Matt, "does that mean she is ready to blow?" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through the great plains, when they happen upon a small city, located on the transcontinental railroad. As the two approached the tracks, Tonto jumped off of hjis horse and quickly placed his ear to the ground. "What is it ?" asked the Ranger. "Iron Horse come." replied Tonto. "How can you tell?" asked Lone. "Tracks rumble" said Tonto. Sure enough, a train was sighted coming down the tracks only a few miles away. With the Lone Ranger fully impressed, the companions mounted up, and started across the plains once more. A few hours passed before Tonto dismounted once more, and placed his ear to the ground. "What is it Tonto?", asked the Ranger. "There are no train tracks anywhere around here.". After a second , Tonto replied "Buffalo come". Lone remembered the trick from back in town, and asked again "How can you tell?" Tonto replied "Ear sticky".......... (it's a sleeper joke, give it a second to click) 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A few days after Christmas, a mother working in the kitchen was listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop...and all of you sons of bitches who are gettin' on, get your asses in the train, 'cause we're leaving!" The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train. But I want you to use nicer language. Two hours later, her son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope that you will ride with us again soon. For those of you just boarding, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember that there is no smoking except in the club car. We hope that you will all have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today. For those of you who are pissed off because of the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port. About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze! "Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate. "First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea chest, and bring me my red shirt." The first mate did so. Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to fight. So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled without casualties. A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two pirate sloops! "Captain, captain, what should we do?" "First mate, bring me my red shirt!" The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration. The first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt. "It's simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not show, and the crew continues to fight without fear." A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy's armada were approaching! "Captain, captain, we're in terrible trouble, what do we do?" The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker. Pale with fear, the captain commanded, "First mate.... bring me my brown pants!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Now THIS has gone too far! I'm editing some text for the brochure for our medical device the other day (we make a device that helps to detect early risk of osteoporosis). One of the last lines says something like, These factors will allow the doctor to better target women who are at risk for osteoporosis. Sometimes, when I'm stuck for ideas, I'll run the document through the grammar checker, just to stand a few sentences on their heads and get rid of some passive voice stuff. Well, my grammar checker hit this last sentence, highlighted "women" and promptly informed me: Gender-specific term. Consider replacing with people, individuals, or human-beings. Umm........no. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Dr. Jonas Salk, inventor of the polio vaccine, died last weekend. Two medical students are talking: "Did you hear that Salk died?" "Who's Salk?" "The inventor of the polio vaccine." "What's polio?" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 (From a news conference broadcast as part of the Osgood Files; quoted from memory.) Alan Greenspan, chairman of the U.S. Federal Reserve, recently demonstrated his mastery of what he called "Fed Speak". This is a language in which it is possible to utter a lot of words without ever actually saying anything. At a press conference of some kind, he was asked the following question, which I present in its entirety: "Mister Greenspan, are you or do you ever intend to, and if not why not, and if so how and when?" Greenspan replied, "Yes and no." (He later added, "And if you feel I answered the question, I'm sorry.") 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Here are more snippets from the one liner file. While preparing RHF, I collect short jokes that aren't quite worthy of an individual posting in the one liner file. Every so often I put digests of these out to the group. (Beware that some readers, such as NN, will mistakenly present all these items in the digest as individual articles. Undigestification is a stupid kludge, but you have to live with it.) These short items may contain swearing, mature themes and stereotypes. = = = = = = = From: Subject: Bumper sticker "I used to live for sex Now I'd die for some" Bob Allison = = = = = = = From: watmath!uunet!tut.cis.ohio-state.edu!dsacg1!discg1!izwr008 (john desanto) Subject: Some Stupid Jokes Organization: Defense Industrial Supply Center, Philadelphia, Pa Some Stupid Jokes told to me by my friend Joe Clark of J & M Landscaping ("Cheap Cuts") Why didn't the skeleton cross the street ? No Guts. What made Frosty the Snowman smile as he was walking down the street ? He saw a snow blower coming his way. Keep those lawns watered ! = = = = = = = From: Jeff Bowden Subject: I can't drive 55 186,000 Miles per second. It's not just a good idea, it's the Law. [Note - which reminds me of a line I once pulled on a co-worker. He asked "how fast is an IBM RS6000?", and I responded "9.8 meters per second squared..." - ed.] = = = = = = = From: watmath!uunet!spies!the_watcher (The Watcher) Subject: NY Organization: Spies in the Wire The New York state bird should be the mosquito. = = = = = = = From: Subject: Another One-liner This is original as far as I know: If you are what you eat, then what's poop? = = = = = = = From: watmath!uunet!Sun.COM!blyon (Chuck McManis) Subject: DEC joke Q: What does it cost to ride the UNIBUS? A: Two bits. = = = = = = = From: Bryan Hoog Subject: Five Miles Long Overheard at the local racetrack: "I like your cologne. What is it?" "Its called 'Eau De Doo Dah Day'." = = = = = = = From: watmath!uunet!rutgers.edu!BMCLAUGH%ucbcmsa.bitnet (Bruce McLaughlin 415/642-7634 [175]) Subject: jokes q: What do you get if you ride the Space Shuttle with Kermit the Frog? a: Star Warts! = = = = = = = From: watmath!uunet!aramis.rutgers.edu!gaynor (Silver) Subject: Women... Women. Can't fuck with 'em, can't fuck without 'em. Regards, [Ag] gaynor@rutgers.edu = = = = = = = From: watmath!uts.amdahl.com!larry (Larry Hardiman) Subject: joke, old, grammar I have known this one for as long as I can remember. A man from Peoria has to make his first business trip, to Boston. So he gets off the airplain in boston, collects his luggage, grabs a cab. He tells the cabbie to take him to his hotel. While on the way to the hotel he asks the cabbie "Where in Boston is the best place to get scrod?" The cabbie thinks for a moment and responds "Well sir, I've heard it said many ways, but never in the pluperfect subjunctive". = = = = = = = From: Bob Jewett Subject: Elvis Presely From: Johnnie Carson The National Enquirer's special investigative team has determined that it's actually Elvis Presely's image on the Shroud of Turin. = = = = = = = From: watmath!uunet!dartvax.dartmouth.edu!eleazar!zakblu (Andre Papillon) Subject: Re:Count your blessings Organization: Dartmouth College, Hanover, NH A quick one I saw in the book "Growing Up Catholic" (which, by the way, is very funny): "Blessed are the cross-eyed, for they shall see God twice." = = = = = = = From: watmath!ttidca.tti.com!paulb (Paul Blumstein) Subject: Peter Fonda Workout The Peter Fonda Workout: When you wake up in the morning, smoke two joints, then go over to your sister's house to ask her for money. = = = = = = = From: watmath!uunet!mtxinu!rtech!binky!dianeh (Diane Holt) Subject: What's the another term for... Q: What's another term for cunnilingus? A: Genital Slurpees. = = = = = = = From: Subject: orchestras Q: What's the difference between an orchestra and a bull?? A: The bull has the horns in front and the asshole in the back. = = = = = = = From: watmath!linus!xait!harvard!husc6!daemon (Mr Background) Subject: Les animaux What's the difference between a dog and a fox? Eight beers. = = = = = = = From: watmath!portal!cup.portal.com!8b Subject: another joke under "Amusing item for sale"... PARACHUTE FOR SALE Never opened. Small red stain. Asking $xxx or best offer. Call... from National Lampoon = = = = = = = From: Kenneth H. Lee Q: What's white and streaks across the sky? A: The coming of the Lord. = = = = = = = From: watmath!uunet!princeton.edu!cova Subject: rec.humor.funny posting -- A new Theorem concerning Murphy's Law Organization: Dept. of Computer Science, Princeton University Cova's Theorem (concerning Murphy's Law): "When there are more than 1 person or thing interacting, their Murphy's Laws cancel each other - unless someone tries to do something about it -" [proof on request] = = = = = = = From: Bryan Hoog Subject: Express Santa I've been told that the local shopping mall has two Santas, a regular one, and an Express Santa for kids requesting five presents or less. = = = = = = = From: watmath!uunet!att.att.com!icefloe!overton (Eric Overton) Subject: Beer nuts and deer nuts Q: What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? A: Beer nuts cost $1.50. Deer nuts are under a buck. I heard this first from one of my officemates, although I suspect that it's been around a while. = = = = = = = From: John Carr Subject: Seen on a bathroom wall "Dear Falwell: If AIDS is a sign from God, Lesbians are the chosen people." --John Carr (jfc@athena.mit.edu) = = = = = = = From: Ian Dillon Subject: Housewife humor Q: Why do housewives close their eyes when they make love? A: They hate to see their husbands having a good time! = = = = = = = From: The following was told to me by Bill Cheswick: Q: Why is the Force like duct tape? A: It has a light side and a dark side and holds the universe together. = = = = = = = From: Michael Chastain Subject: riddle, computer, sexual, heard_it First submission to rec.humor.funny. Hope I'm doing it right. Q: How is a computer like an erection? A: It stays up as long as you don't fuck with it! = = = = = = = From: Brian Sturgill Subject: Word to (continue to) live by: Organization: U of Ky, Math. Sciences, Lexington KY Never play Russian Roulette with a clip-loaded pistol. = = = = = = = From: watmath!uunet!hpda!hplabs!well!alcmist (Frederick Wamsley) Subject: Pithy description of Soviet economy "Imagine an entire nation run by the Post Office" = = = = = = = From: Michael Faber Subject: A good quote I read this on a local bbs. It comes from a barkeep quote. "I often wonder what a battle between The enterprise's security team, who are killed almost instantly after ariving, and the imperial stormtroopers, who cant hit the broad side of a planet would be like..." I can imagine it. It look funny to me... = = = = = = = From: ilan@Gang-of-Four.Stanford.EDU (Ilan Vardi) Subject: Re: Top Ten Earthquake Lines Organization: Computer Science Department, Stanford University Definition of bad lover: An earthquake occurs during sex. Afterwards he asks the woman if she felt the earth move. She says no. = = = = = = = From: Dag Bruck Subject: Women and punctuation "Woman without her man has no reason for living." "Woman: without her, man has no reason for living." = = = = = = = From: watmath!sqzme!ludo (Ludo Van Vooren) Subject: Hardware or Software (Heard in the preview of a movie to go out pretty soon) Q: I can never remember the difference between Hardware and Software A: With computers, the software goes into the hardware. With humans, it's the reverse. = = = = = = = From: watmath!uunet!gatech.edu!mailrus!wasatch!u-pgardi (Phillip Garding) Subject: True Love How about this one: The real meaning of True Love: Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis. = = = = = = = From: Andrew Malton I saw a sign on an office door which was covered in peace symbols and said INSPECTOR CLOUSEAU FANS AGAINST THE BEUMB = = = = = = = From: watmath!gatech!unmvax!turing.cs.unm.edu!mike (Michael I. Bushnell) Subject: Thousand points of light A thousand points of light? The last time I saw a thousand points of light I'd just been punched in the face. Doesn't sound like a kindler, gentler nation to ME! = = = = = = = From: Mustang Why do you need toilet paper in the Twighlight Zone? doo doo, doo doo, doo doo, doo doo (Twilight Zone Theme) = = = = = = = From: pswhitte@turing.uncg.edu (Patrick S. Whittemore) Subject: Ninja.. Organization: The University of North Carolina at Greensboro Hear about the ninja that joined the army?... .. the first time he saluted he nearly killed himself... = = = = = = = From: LeeCo1@aol.com Subject: Atlanta Falcons Cologne Have you heard about the new Atlanta Falcons cologne? You put it on and the other guy scores. (Heard on WKLS-FM Atlanta, 96 Rock) = = = = = = = From: jim@watt.com (Jim Watt) I think this is original, although the topic has certainly been explored before: Q: Why did the British Empire spread to such faraway places as India? A: You *have* tasted English cooking, haven't you? = = = = = = = From: acs3@cornell.edu (Amanda Sturgill) Subject: Perhaps you meant spelling? On a first day of class student data sheet: Q. What is your biggest concern about your writing? A. Grammer = = = = = = = From: dude@crl.com (Chris Morgan) Subject: Rosa Lopez Organization: CRL Dialup Internet Access (415) 705-6060 [Login: guest] Have you heard about the new Rosa Lopez computer? It costs 5,000 bucks and has no memory. = = = = = = = From: ganz@pacintl.com (Jonathan Ganz) Subject: OJ has a WWW site I heard this on the Alex Bennett show (local radio station) this morning: OJ's WWW address is http:////////// = = = = = = = From: hloria@freenet.calgary.ab.ca (Harvey Loria) Organization: Calgary Free-Net Subject: Lorenna Bobbit's New Book Loren Bobbit is writing a biographical book, its title is: "Six Inches From Prison", she also loves reading, here favourite novel is "Moby Dick," and next week she starts a new job as a sales representative for .... SNAP ON TOOLS! = = = = = = = From: coolguy@server.cs.jhu.edu (Guy Shechter) Subject: Fortune cookie This is a true story... I was sitting with a friend at a Chinese restaurant, and following our dinner, we cracked open our fortune cookies and found this interesting fortune : "To stay healthy, eat more Chinese food." I guess it doesn't hurt business ... = = = = = = = From: fehr@ninja.aes.mb.doe.ca (John Fehr) Subject: bumper stickers What with all the suing and such going on at the drop of a hat, I'm tempted to get a bumper sticker that says: 'No lawyers. Prosecuters will be violated.'. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE 3/3/95 God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions. 1. How did you find out about God? __ Newspaper __ Other Book __ Television __ Divine Inspiration __ Word of mouth __ Near Death Experience __ Bible __ Other __ Torah (specify): _____________ 2. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply. __ Tarot __ Lottery __ Horoscope __ Television __ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers __ Self-help books __ Sex __ Biorythms __ Alcohol or drugs __ Mantras __ Other: _____________________ __ Insurance policies __ None 3. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)? a. More Divine Intervention b. Less Divine Intervention c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right d. Don't know 4. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent): a. Disasters (flood, famine, earthquake, war) 1 2 3 4 5 b. Miracles (rescues, spontaneous remission of disease, sports upsets) 1 2 3 4 5 5. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary): _________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________ Thank you! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 I was trying to get the lowest triangle fare from Washington, D.C. to California and was working through the possibilities with a ticket agent for a major airline. At one point she explained, "Well, of course, the nonstop LA to Washington fare is higher than the nonstop Washington to LA fare, since the trip is longer." Stunned, I managed to ask, "Do you mean to say it's further from Los Angeles to Washington than it is from Washington to Los Angeles?" She replied brightly, "Oh, much further! According to all the schedules, nonstop LA to Washington takes about *six hours more* than nonstop Washington to LA." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?" "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" "Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 I was listening to Z-100 in New York and they were discussing the official "Rich List". The D.J said "Weel, it's official. Bill Gates is the richest man in the world, at 31 billion dollars...But before you get your hopes up, ladies, there are two things. One, he's married. And two, he started a company called MicroSoft....now, do you REALLY want him?" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 I saw the following warning label at MIT's Junior Lab: "WARNING: Do not look into laser with remaining eye" I heard one of the captured bombers told a state trooper that they had to do something to get O.J. off the tube for awhile. Q: Why were the OK daycare kids so happy? A: They heard that they were going to get 6 stories before bedtime. Q. How do you protect a valuable instrument? A. Hide it in an accordion case. Q. What is the definition of perfect pitch? A. When an accordion is thrown down the toilet without it touching the sides. Q. What do accorion players use as a contraceptive? A. Their personalities. Q. What is the difference between a chainsaw and an accordion? A. A chainsaw can be tuned. Q: What goes 'clop clop clop clop BANGBANG clop clop clop clop clop clop'? A: An Amish drive-by shooting. Q: Why don't Amish couples fuck standing up? A: Someone might think they're dancing. Q. What's the difference between a banjo and a trampoline ? A. You take off your shoes before jumping on a trampoline. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 April 19, 1995 Dateline Oklahoma City: An explosion today in front of the federal building leveled it to the ground. A trio of "Middle eastern types" were spotted by someone, somewhere. *************************************************************** Pres. Clinton: " My fellow Americans, this is a tradjedy of epic poportions. Even more tradgic then my election. And the worse news of all was that I would've carried most of the dead voters. No stone will remain unturned in the pursuit of justice and I will not sleep until the Whitewater investigation is dropped. ************************************************************** Rush Limbaugh: "Ladies and gentlemen, the E.A.T. , I mean EIB staff has just uncovered the bombers are disgruntled liberals, unwilling to give up their last hold on the wallets of this great nation. I have been telling you for a long time now, warning you this would happen. No stone will remain unturned in the pursuit of justice until these criminals are brought to justice, right next to OJ Simpson" ************************************************************** Howard Cosell: "Hey, I'm outta here" ************************************************************** Howard Stern: "What's the big f*cking deal? There's no mexicans in Oklahoma City?" ************************************************************* May 21, 1995 Dateline Hollywood, Calif. After a month long investigation, it has been determined that the real brains behind the bombing of Oklahoma City is not right wing para-military groups, or left wing liberal talk show hosts, or middle wing eastern religious arab zealots wearing sunglasses and Santa hats. No, the real criminal is the Walt Disney Company who's movies "Priests" inspired the rest of the nuts to blow up the f*cking building. And that's the way it is." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A Rancher from Texas visits a farmer from Illinois. As the farmer is showing him his place, the Texan brags about his ranch "Why I Can Git In Ma Truck and Drive all Day and Never Git ta the other side." The Farmer from Illinois replies "Yea I had a truck Like that once too! Would a Jehovah's Witness ever want to be your blood brother? Jesus died for my sins...but I only had to pay $50! _____________________________ / _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/_/_/ / __________________________// / _/_/ _/_/ _/ _/ _/ _/ // Whoever said the pen is // /^/ _/ _/_/ _/ _/ _/_/ _/_/_/ //mightier than the sword...// ____/ / _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ // is OFF the Fencing team! // /_____/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/_/_/_/ //__________________________// _/ /____________________________/ Yanks, well how about this!! Y A N K S u m i i o k e t l c k r w l i y i i i e c t n t a s g y n Origin: Usenet:The University of Leeds, School of Computer Studies (11:1/1) 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 > Jason is black and comes home from school. "Mommy, mommy", he says. > "The teacher at school says I am clever." > "why?" askes his mother. > "Because I answered what 2 + 2 was" squeals Jason. > "It's because you are clever AND black", says his mother. > The next day the same happens when he knew the answer to 4 + 4. > On the 3rd day jason comes home and says to his mother, "momma, we went > to the gym at school today and the other boys were only this long and I > was thiiiiiss long. Is that because I'm black?" > "No" says his momma. "It's because they are 6 and you are 16." > What is transparrent and lays in the gutter? > A black man with the shit kicked out of him. Are rascism and tastelessnesss the same thing? Oddly enough when I subscribed to this group a couple of days ago, I didn't expect shit-for-brains rascism actually. Still, right enough, it's me who doesn't belong round here. Why the fuck would I want to communicate with creeps like you? Bye : ============================================================================ : Q: What's a good nigger? : A: A dead nigger : Q: how long does it take a nigger to take her garbage out? : A: NIne Months. : Q: How many blacks does it take to pave ur driveway? : A: It depends how thin u slice them : Q: What do u say to a Nigger in a suite? : A: Will the defendant rise. MI>The evovement on politically correct. MI>-------------------------------- MI>First the Black people want to be called: MI>Colored people then MI>Negros Then MI>Black people then MI>African Americans and now: MI>People of color (in other words: colored people) Designed to keep everyone off guard. =WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU SHOOT A BLACK MAN RIDING A BIKE? YOU GET YOUR BIKE BACK. =WHY DOES RAY CHARLES ONLY HAVE A LEFT NUT? 'CAUSE YOU'VE GOT THE RIGHT ONE, BABY. =WHAT ARE THE 2 WORST WORDS A BLACK PERSON CAN SAY TO YOU??? "HI NEIGHBOR!" =HOW DO YOU STOP A BLACK MAN FROM DROWNING? TAKE YOUR FOOT OFF HIS HEAD! SECOND PRIZE: PUT A ROCK IN THE WATER! =JESSE JACKSON CALLS GEORGE AT THE WHITE HOUSE AND SAYS "GEORGE, I UNDERSTAND THAT ALL OF THE WASHING MACHINES AT THE WHITE HOUSE ARE WHITE." GEORGE RESPONDS,"I DUNNO JESSE, LET ME CHECK IT OUT AND I'LL CALL YOU BACK." NEXT DAY GEORGE CALLS JESSE BACK AND SAYS,"JESSE, YOU WERE RIGHT. I CHECKED IT OUT AND ALL THE WASHING MACHINES AT THE WHITE HOUSE ARE WHITE, BUT ALL THE AGITATORS ARE BLACK!" =A BLACK MAN IS VISITING CHINA WHEN HE SEES A COUPLE GO UP TO A FOUNTAIN AND THROW IN A COIN. IT ECHOS "CHING CHANG CHING". HE ASKS THEM WHY THEY DID THIS AND THEY SAID, "THE ECHO SHOWS YOUR HERITAGE!" SO THE BLACK MAN THREW IN A COIN AND THE SOUND CAME BACK... "CHIM PAN ZEE". =WHY DO THEY CALL HIM MAGIC JOHNSON? "MY ASS GOT INFECTED COACH!" =HOW DID DAVID COPPERFIELD CATCH AIDS? FROM PLAYING AROUND WITH MAGIC. =HOW DID MAGIC GET AIDS? HE HAD TOO MUCH KAREEM IN HIS COFFEE. =WHY IS MAGIC JOHNSON'S WIFE LIKE A SPIDER EGG? THEY BOTH WILL BECOME BLACK WIDOWS. =WHY DOESN'T MAGIC FUCK HIS WIFE ANYMORE? BECAUSE SHE IS NOT WORTHY. =HOW DID MAGIC GET AIDS? HE BLEW A PISTON. =WHAT DO MAGIC AND LEN BIAS HAVE IN COMMON? THEY BOTH GOT AHOLD OF SOME BAD CRACK. =WHAT DID OPRAH WINFREY'S HUSBAND SAY WHEN OPRAH ASKED TO TRY A NEW POSITION? HOW NOW BROWN COW? =A BLACK MAN ASKED A GOOD-LOOKING WHITE WOMAN, "LET'S PLAY THE ROAD GAME!" "WHAT'S THAT?" SHE SAID. "YOU LAY DOWN AND I'LL BLACKTOP YOU!" =WHY DON'T BLACK WOMEN MAKE GOOD NUNS? THEY CAN'T SAY "SUPERIOR" AFTER "MOTHER". =WHAT IS "FEE FI FO FEE FI FO FO"? A BLACK GUY'S PHONE NUMBER! =WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLACK PUSSY AND A BOWLING BALL? YOU CAN EAT A BOWLING BALL. =WHAT COLOR IS A NIGGER AFTER YOU RUN OVER HIM IN THE STREET? FLAT BLACK. =WHAT DO YOU CALL 10 NIGGERS ON A WHITE GUY? A FAIR FIGHT. =WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A NIGGER WITH A GORILLA? A DUMBER GORILLA. =WHAT DOES IT SAY INSIDE A NIGGER'S LIPS? "INFLATE TO 20 PSI." =HOW MANY NIGGERS DOES IT TAKE TO PAVE A DRIVEWAY? IT DEPENDS ON HOW THIN YOU SLICE THEM. =WHAT DOES HARLEM HAVE IN COMMON WITH FLORSHEIM? 10,000 BLACK LOAFERS. =WHY DON'T NIGGERS LIKE CONVERTIBLES? BECAUSE THEIR LIPS FLAP IN THE WIND. =WHAT DO YOU HAVE WHEN YOU PUT 10,000 BLACKS AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN? A GOOD START. =WHY DOES A BLACK MAN USUALLY KEEP HIS FLY OPEN? IN CASE HE HAS TO COUNT TO ELEVEN. =WHAT DO YOU CALL FOUR NIGGERS IN A CADILLAC? GRAND THEFT AUTO. =WHAT DOES "PONTIAC" STAND FOR IN HARLEM? POOR OLD NIGGER THINKS IT'S A CADILLAC. =WHAT DID JESSE JACKSON SAY ABOUT THE ABORTION BILL? "THE CHECK'S IN THE MAIL." =DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE 4 NEW LEGAL HOLIDAYS PROPOSED FOR BLACKS? 1. REGGIE JACKSON DAY. 2. MICHAEL JACKSON DAY. 3. JESSE JACKSON DAY. 4. SEPTEMBER 21, THE DAY NEW CADILLACS COME OUT. =A PLANE IN THE AIR IS ABOUT TO CRASH. ON THE PLANE IS JESSE JACKSON, THE PRESIDENT OF THE U.S., A PRIEST AND A SCHOOL BOY. THERE ARE ONLY 3 PARACHUTES LEFT ON THE PLANE. AS THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN, THE PRESIDENT SAYS "I'M THE SMARTEST WHITE MAN IN AMERICA!" HE JUMPS OUT WITH A PARACHUTE. JESSE JACKSON SAYS "I'M THE SMARTEST BLACK MAN IN AMERICA!" HE JUMPS OUT WITH THE 2ND. THERE IS ONLY 1 PARACHUTE LEFT NOW. THE PRIEST THEN SAYS TO THE KID..."LISTEN, CHILD. I HAVE LIVED MY LIFE AND I WANT YOU TO HAVE A CHANCE TO LIVE YOURS. YOU TAKE THE LAST PARACHUTE." THE KID SAYS, "DON'T WORRY, WE CAN BOTH HAVE A PARACHUTE, THE SMARTEST BLACK MAN IN AMERICA JUST TOOK MY SCHOOL BAG!" =THE DIRTIEST WORD IN HARLEM AND WATTS? WORK. =WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLACK MAN IN THAILAND? A TYCOON. =WHAT'S THE MOST CONFUSING DAY IN HARLEM? FATHER'S DAY. =WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLACK MAN IN A TREE? A BRANCH MANAGER. =THE 2 MOST FAMOUS BLACK WOMEN IN HISTORY? AUNT JEMIMA AND MUTHA FUCKA. =WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A NIGGER WITH AN IRISHMAN? A LEPRACOON. =THE MOST POPULAR BRAND OF LIPSTICK FOR BLACKS? MOP AND GLOW. =WHAT DO THEY DO WITH DEAD BLACKS IN FLORIDA? THEY SKIN THEM AND USE THEM FOR WET SUITS. =WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLACK SMURF? A SMIGGER. =WHY DOES GEORGIA HAVE BLACKS AND CALIFORNIA HAVE EARTHQUAKES? CALIFORNIA HAD FIRST PICK. =HOW DO YOU TELL IF A BLACK HAS BEEN SHOT IN THE HEAD? BY THE HOLE IN HIS GHETTO BLASTER. =WHY DID THE BLACK NOT WANT TO MARRY A MEXICAN? HE DIDN'T WANT HIS KIDS TO GROW UP TOO LAZY TO STEAL. =WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU CROSS A BLACK WITH A GREEK? A GUY WHO DOESN'T MIND RIDING IN THE BACK OF THE BUS. =WHAT'S BLACK, HAS WHITE EYES AND KNOCKS ON GLASS? A NIGGER IN A MICROWAVE. =WHY DON'T BLACKS LIKE BLOW JOBS? THEY DON'T LIKE JOBS PERIOD. =WHERE DID VANESSA WILLIAMS' PARENTS POSE NUDE? NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC. =WHY DO BLACKS ALWAYS HAVE SEX ON THEIR MINDS? BECAUSE THEY HAVE PUBIC HAIR GROWING ON THEIR HEADS. =WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLACK WOMAN WITH BRACES? A BLACK & DECKER PECKER WRECKER. =WHAT DO YOU CALL A BUNCH OF BLACKS BURIED IN A FIELD UP TO THEIR NECKS? AFROTURF. =IN THE DEPRESSION, 2 DARKIES WERE SCREWIN' ON THE RAILROAD TRACKS WHEN A TRAIN APPROACHED. CRIED THE MAN TO THE TRAIN, "I'S A COMIN', YOUSE A COMIN', BUT YOUSE THE ONE WITH THE BRAKES!" =WHAT'S LONG, BLACK & SMELLY? AN UNEMPLOYMENT LINE IN THE U.S. =WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A BLACK WITH A SIOUX INDIAN? A SIOUX NAMED BOY. =WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A BLACK GUY WITH A JAPANESE GUY? A GUY WHO HAS AN UNCONTROLLABLE URGE ON DEC. 7TH TO ATTACK PEARL BAILEY. =WHY DO BLACKS KEEP CHICKENS? TO TEACH THEIR KIDS HOW TO WALK. =HOW DO YOU MAKE A BLACK PERSON NERVOUS? TAKE HIM TO AN AUCTION. =WHY DID GOD INVENT THE CLIMAX? SO NIGGERS WOULD KNOW WHEN TO STOP FUCKING. =THE DEFINITION OF WORTHLESS? A 7' BLACK WITH A 4" PRICK WHO CAN'T PLAY BASKETBALL. =WHY DO BLACKS WEAR WIDE-BRIMMED HATS? SO PIGEONS CAN'T SHIT ON THEIR LIPS. =WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A BLACK WITH A GROUNDHOG? SIX MORE WEEKS OF BASKETBALL SEASON. =HOW DO WE KNOW THAT ADAM AND EVE WEREN'T BLACK? EVER TRY TO TAKE RIBS AWAY FROM A BLACK? =DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE LITTLE BLACK KID WHO HAD DIARRHEA? HE THOUGHT HE WAS MELTING. =IF A WAC IS A WHITE WOMAN IN THE ARMY, WHAT IS A BLACK WOMAN IN THE ARMY CALLED? A WACCOON. =WHY DID THE BLACK KID HAVE THE BIGGEST DICK IN 5TH GRADE? HE WAS 21. =WHAT DO BLACK PEOPLE CALL THE EASTER BUNNY? DINNER. =DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE NEW BLACK FRENCH RESTAURANT? IT'S CALLED CHEZ WHAT? =WHAT DO YOU CALL 4 BLACKS IN A '57 CHEVY? A BLOOD VESSEL. =WHAT'S BLACK AND SHINES IN THE DARK? OAKLAND. =WHAT DID LINCOLN SAY AFTER HIS 5-DAY DRUNK? "I FREED WHO?" =WHY DO BLACKS LIKE TO WEAR WHITE GLOVES? SO THEY WON'T BITE OFF THEIR FINGERS EATING TOOTSIE ROLLS. =WHY DO BLACK MEN HAVE SUCH NARROW HIPS? SO THE ROASTING POLE WON'T WOBBLE. =WHAT'S BLACK AND WHITE, BLACK AND WHITE, AND BLACK, WHITE AND RED? A NIGGER AND A PELICAN FIGHTING OVER A CARP. =WHAT DO YOU GET IF YOU PUT ODOR EATERS IN A BLACK'S SHOES? HALF A MILE DOWN THE ROAD YOU GET A GOLD TOOTH, RADIO, AND A PAIR OF TENNIS SHOES. =WHAT DOES THE "N" STAND FOR IN ATLANTA'S SPELMAN (BLACK) COLLEGE? "NOWLEDGE". =WHAT DID BUCKWHEAT (OF LITTLE RASCALS' FAME) CALL HIMSELF WHEN HE BECAME A BASKETBALL PLAYER? KAREEM A'WHEAT. =WHY ARE THE PALMS AND SOLES OF BLACK PEOPLE WHITE? THEY WERE SPRAY-PAINTED WHILE ASSUMING THE POSITION. =WHAT'S SO GOOD ABOUT AN ETHIOPIAN BLOWJOB? YOU KNOW SHE'LL SWALLOW. =HOW DO YOU GET RID OF A BUNCH OF LIBYANS? TELL A BUNCH OF CAJUNS THEY'RE GOOD EATING AND OUT OF SEASON. =WHAT DO YOU CALL A WHITE COCK IN A BLACK PUSSY? BLONDE WITH BLACK ROOTS. =WHAT DO YOU CALL A WHITE COCK IN A BLACK PUSSY? BLACKENED WHITEFISH. =WHAT DO YOU CALL A WHITE COCK IN A BLACK PUSSY? REVERSE EVOLUTION. =WHAT DO YOU CALL A WHITE COCK IN A BLACK PUSSY? WHITE FLIGHT TO THE SUBHUMANS. =WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLACK COCK IN A WHITE PUSSY? FORCED INTEGRATION. =WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLACK COCK IN A WHITE PUSSY? TURD IN THE SNOW. SECOND PRIZE: CIGAR IN THE SAND. =WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLACK COCK IN A WHITE PUSSY? A TIGHT FIT. =WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLACK COCK IN A WHITE PUSSY? PAYING FOR WHITE GUILT. =WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLACK COCK IN A WHITE PUSSY? A WELL-FED CAT. =WHAT DO YOU CALL IT WHEN A BLACK MAN RAPES A WHITE WOMAN? FORCED BUSSING. =WHAT DO YOU CALL IT WHEN A WHITE MAN RAPES A BLACK WOMAN? STOCKING THE PLANTATION. =WHO WON THE RACE DOWN THE TUNNEL, THE BLACK OR THE POLLOCK? THE POLLOCK, BECAUSE THE BLACK HAD TO STOP AND WRITE "MOTHERFUCKER" ON THE WALL. =THE DEFINITION OF AN AFRICAN MOMEBACK? THE BLACK THAT RIDES ON THE BACK OF THE GARBAGE TRUCK YELLING, "MOMEBACK, MOMEBACK!" =WHY DO BLACK PEOPLE SMELL? SO BLIND PEOPLE CAN TELL THE DIFFERENCE TOO. =WHY DID GOD INVENT GOLF? SO THAT WHITE PEOPLE COULD DRESS UP LIKE BLACKS. =WHAT'S BLACK AND WHITE AND RED ALL OVER? AN INTERRACIAL COUPLE IN AN AUTO WRECK. =THE DEFINITION OF BLACK FOREPLAY? DON'T SCREAM OR I'LL KILL YOU. =WHY IS THE PUBIC HAIR OF A NEGRESS AS STIFF AS A WIRE BRUSH? SO SHE CAN DO HOUSEWORK AT THE LOCAL STREAM. =THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MICHAEL JACKSON AND RICHARD PRYOR? RICHARD GOT BURNED BY COKE AND MICHAEL GOT BURNED BY PEPSI. =DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE NEW ORGANIZATION MICHAEL JACKSON AND RICHARD PRYOR ARE FORMING? IT'S CALLED THE IGNITED NEGRO COLLEGE FUND. =WHY DO SOME WHITE CHICKS PREFER BLACK MEN? FOR THE SAME REASON THAT SOME BLACK CHICKS PREFER HORSES. =WHAT HAS 10 LEGS AND SAYS "HODEDO HODEDO"? FIVE BLACKS RUNNING FOR AN ELEVATOR. =WHY DO BLACKS LIKE WATERMELON? THEY FINALLY HAVE SOMETHING BIG ENOUGH TO USE THOSE LIPS ON. =WHY DO BLACKS LIKE CHITLINS? THEY ARE USED TO ROPES. =WHY DO BLACKS LIKE RIBS? THE SAUCE PAINTS THEIR FACES RED. =WHY DID THE NIGGER CROSS THE ROAD? HE SMELLED CHICKEN. =HOW DID THE NIGGER CROSS THE ROAD? ON ANOTHER NIGGER'S SPEAR. =WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A NIGGER AND A TIRE? A TIRE DOESN'T SING WHEN YOU PUT CHAINS ON IT. =WHY DON'T BLACK BABIES LIKE TO PLAY IN SANDBOXES? BECAUSE CATS KEEP TRYING TO COVER THEM UP. =WHY DON'T THEY CIRCUMCIZE NIGGERS? BECAUSE THERE'S NO END TO THOSE PRICKS. =WHAT DID THE BLACK MAN DO AFTER HE CAUGHT A WHITE WOMAN'S BABY SHE THREW OUT OF THE WINDOW DURING A FIRE? SPIKED IT ON THE GROUND AND SHOUTED "TOUCHDOWN!" =THE 3 GREATEST LIES? THE CHECK'S IN THE MAIL, BLACK IS BEAUTIFUL, AND I WON'T CUM IN YOUR MOUTH. =WHY AREN'T THERE ANY BLACK SKIERS? BECAUSE THEIR LIPS EXPLODE AT HIGH ALTITUDE. =WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A NIGGER WITH A MONKEY? NOTHING, NO MONKEY IS DUMB ENOUGH TO FUCK A NIGGER. =A NIGGER, A FRENCHMAN, A GERMAN, AND A POLLOCK WERE SITTING IN A BAR. "I LIKE TO FUCK WHITE WOMEN!" SAID THE NIGGER. "THAT'S GRAND!" SAID THE FRENCHMAN. "GUT FOR YOU!" SAID THE GERMAN. "I DON'T BLAME YOU," SAID THE POLLOCK, "I DON'T LIKE FUCKING THOSE BLACK ONES EITHER." =WHY IS A NIGGER LIKE A MINER? THEY ARE BOTH LOWER THAN DIRT AND DIG DARK CAVITIES. =A WHITE WOMAN WAS BEING HIT ON BY A BLACK MAN IN A BAR. "I DON'T BELIEVE IN CHANGING COLORS" SHE SAID POLITELY. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Husband takes wife to the doctor because she is feeling poorly. Doctor says he has narrowed down the diagnosis to two maladies - she either has Alzheimer's or AIDS. The husband asks the doctor how can the diagnosis be confirmed. The doctor answers to take the wife out of town, drop her out into the countryside and if she returns home don't fuck her. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 The Jews have Israel. The Arabs want Palestine. I decided that gays need a homeland, too. What shall we call it? Here's some suggestions: Mantana Oklahomo Jizzrael Ohihole Asstralia Ingland Penisylvania Organ Ken's Ass Kenfucky Ken, Yeah! Vermount Grease Assachusetts 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 I'd like to see more 'jokes' along these lines: JESUS SAVES! But Moses scores on the rebound! JESUS SAVES! With double coupons and everyday low prices. JESUS SAVES! So why does he walk around in a tattered robe? 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 This guy goes to Japan on business and at the end of his first day there is sitting at a bar, drinking, when he notices a bottle of absinthe behind the bar. having never tasted absinthe before he asks the bartender for some and drinks it when it is served to him. After about five minutes he feels like he has to fart, and decides to try to sneak it out. Unfortunately, when he tries he loses control and a big one rips out with a very loud sound of "HONDA!" accompanying it as it exits. Embarassed, he looks around after a few moments to see whether anyone is watching him, but no one seems to be paying any attention. Having liked the taste of the first absinthe, he orders another and about five minutes after drinking it realizes he has to fart again. After trying for another sqeaker, he gets the same "HONDA!" he got the first time and then calls the bartender over to explain that he has never had absinthe before and to ask whether the absinthe is responsible for the farts. The bartender replies, "Ah,so! in Japan, Absinthe make the fart go HONDA!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 : How can you tell a newbee is posting to the newsgroup? : the subject of the post is: Baked Bean Story : How can you tell a newbee is posting to a newsgroup? : The subject is : WHERE DO I FIND A NEW KEYBOARD? : : ONCE UPON A TIME THERE LIVED A MAN WHO HAD A MADDENING PASSION FOR BAKED : : BEANS. HE LOVED THEM, BUT THEY HAD A VERY EMBARRASSING AND SOMEWHAT : : LIVELY REACTION ON HIM. THEN ONE DAY HE MET A GIRL AND FELL IN LOVE. : : WHEN IT WAS APPARENT THAT THEY WOULD MARRY HE THOUGHT TO HIMSELF, "SHE IS : : SUCH A SWEET AND GENTLE GIRL, SHE WILL NEVER GO FOR THIS KIND OF CARRYING : : ON." SO HE MADE THE SUPREME SACRIFICE----- HE GAVE UP BEANS. THEY WERE : : MARRIED SHORTLY THEREAFTER. : : SOME MONTHS LATER HIS CAR BROKE DOWN ON THE WAY HOME FROM WORK, AND : : SINCE THEY LIVED WAY OUT IN THE COUNTRYHE CALLED HIS WIFE AND TOLD HER : : THAT HE WOULD BE LATE BECAUSE HE HAD TO WALK HOME. ON HIS WAY HE PASSED : : A SMALL CAFE AND THE AROMA OF FRESHLY BAKED BEANSWAS OVERWHELMING. : : SINCE HE HAD SEVERAL MILES TO WALK HE FIGURED THAT HE WOULD WALK OFF ANY : : ILL EFFECTS BEFORE HE GOT HOMESO HE STOPPED AT THE CAFE. BEFORE LEAVING, : : HE HAD EATEN THREE LARGE ORDERS OF BAKED BEANS. ALL THE WAY HOME HE : : PUTT-PUTTED AND AFTER ARRIVING HE FELT REASONABLY SAFE THAT HE HAD PUTT- : : PUTTED HIS LAST. HIS WIFE SEEMED SOMEWHAT AGITATED AND EXCITED TO SEE : : HIM AND EXCLAIMED DELIGHTEDLY-- "DARLING, I HAVE THE MOST WONDERFUL : : SURPRISE FOR DINNER TONIGHT." SHE THEN BLINDFOLDED HIM AND LED HIM TO : : HIS CHAIR AT THE HEAD OF THE DINING TABLE. HE SEATED HIMSELF AND JUST AS : : SHE WAS READY TO REMOVE THE BLINDFOLD THE TELEPHONE RANG. SHE MADE HIM : : VOW NOT TO TOUCH THE BLINDFOLD UNTIL SHE RETURNED, THEN WENT TO ANSWER : : THE TELEPHONE. SEIZING THE OPPORTUNITY, HE SHIFTED HIS WEIGHT TO ONE : : LEG AND LET GO. IT WAS NOT ONLY LOUD, BUT AS RIPE AS ROTTEN EGGS. HE : : TOOK THE NAPKIN FROM HIS LAP AND VIGOROUSLY FANNED THE AIR ABOUT HIM. : : THINGS HAD JUST RETURNED TO NORMAL WHEN HE FELT ANOTHER URGE COMING ON SO : : HE SHIFTED HIS WEIGHT TO THE OTHER LEG AND LET GO AGAIN. THIS WAS A TRUE : : PRIZEWINNER. WHILE KEEPING HIS EAR TO THE CONVERSATION IN THE HALL, HE : : WENT ON LIKE THIS FOR TEN MINUTES UNTIL HE KNEW THE PHONE FAREWELLS : : INDICATED THE END OF HIS FREEDOM. HE PLACED HIS NAPKIN ON TOP OF HIS LAP : : AND FOLDED HIS HANDS ON TOP OF IT AND SMILING CONTENTEDLY TO HIMSELF, : : WAS THE VERY PICTURE OF INNOCENCE WHEN HIS WIFE RETURNED. APOLOGIZING : : FOR TAKING SO LONG SHE ASKED IF HE HAD PEEKED AND HE, OF COURSE, : : ASSURED HER THAT HE HAD NOT. AT THIS POINT SHE REMOVED THE BLINDFOLD AND : : THERE WAS THE SURPRISE. TWELVE DINNER GUESTS SEATED AROUND THE TABLE FOR : : A HAPPY BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR HIM. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 >> If you miss >> while you piss - >> please be neat >> and wipe the seat! >> >> If you sprinkle >> When you tinkle, >> Be a sweetie >> And wipe the seatie! >> >> If its yellow >> let it mellow >> If its brown >> flush it down. >> Here I sit, broken hearted Tried to shit, but only farted Later on I took a chance Tried to fart and shit my pants Be like pa, not like sis Lift the lid when you piss "lunchtime" ("\''/").___..--''"`-._ ~~~~~~~~~ \ `9_ 9 ) `-. ( ).`-.__.`) \ /\ (_Y_.)' ._ ) `._ `. ``-..-' Bown@ix.netcom.com ( ) _..`--'_..-_/ /--'_.' .' .( o ). (il).-'' ((i).' ((!.-' 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 >>ANNOUNCEMENT FROM FEDERAL COMMUNICATIONS COMMISSION >>Cease postings of all attempts at sick humor relating to the criminal >>act in Oklahoma City. >>All Federal and State agencies have been asked to sweep both on-line >>and Internet communications dealing with this tragedy. >>While Freedom of Speech allows you to engage in communications >>concerning the Oklahoma bombing, you risk a personal investigation, >>security check, and possible detention for questioning depending on >the content of your posting. >>--------------------------------------------------------------------- hey this is alt.tasteless.jokes, This was a pretty funny post i thought. The feds are doing everything they can to cover something up... if you want to see some better jokes go check out the posts on CLARI.LOCAL.OKLAHOMA there are posts ranging from "Sharp eyed oklahoma highway patrol officer sensed something was fishy" to other tastless pro-fed propaganda. *=======================================================================* | Peter McFarlane ==> petermc@sequent.com | | | | Where ... the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs | | 30 tons, computers in the future may have 1,000 vacuum tubes and | | perhaps weigh just 1.5 tons. | | - Popular Mechanics, March 1949. | *=======================================================================* 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴