컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 栢� 栢� 栢芳 栢芳 栢栢芳 栢� 栢� 栢栢栢� 栢栢栢� 栢� 栢� 栢栢� 栢栢� 栢�袴栢� 栢� 栢� 栢�谷栢芳 栢�袴袴� 栢栢栢舫 栢栢芳 栢�栢栢�栢� 栢栢栢舫 栢� 栢� 栢붜排栢� 栢栢栢芳 栢�袴栢� 훤袴暠 栢뵌栢�송舫 栢�袴栢� 栢� 栢� 栢栢�송舫 栢�袴谷芳 栢� 栢� 栢� 훤� 栢� 栢� 栢� 栢� 栢栢栢芳 휩栢栢排� 휩栢栢排� 훤� 훤� 훤� 훤� 훤� 훤� 훤� 훤袴袴暠 훤袴袴� 훤袴袴� H-MAIL06.TXT is a collection of jokes and assorted humour saved from various mail packets over a period of several months. The jokes cover just about every topic and range from harmless to outright tasteless, no holds barred. All H-MAIL joke archives are kept and maintained at 旼컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴커 � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 � � The HMVH Corporation � 읕컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴켸 Bulletin Board System Read at your own risk! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Sysop Survival necessity's include: 1)Boxes of Salticrax - when things aren't working your way you need to bite on something, so why not feed yourself while you're at it. There is not time to take breaks to eat! 2) Monthly supply of coke - After you've chewed a box of salticrax you always need something to wash it down. There is no time to warm up tea you need something quick that pours and is easily re-fillable. But watch out for the keyboard! you wouldn't want to have to steal another one! 3) Stay Alert tablets - those poor BBS people just keep having problems even at 3 oclock in the morning people will page you up. You must be alert and ready to answer all calls. Remember a Sysop works is never done! 4) A Bed Pan - When your body realised the kind of s@#t that you're swallowing it naturally wants to throw it out. There is no time to take a few steps to the toilet - you never know when Bill Clinton will be FTPing onto your board. The Bed Pan offers a quick and easy method to relive those irratating urges plus it offers got shooting practice if you place it a few meteres away (once again beware of the keyboard - we wouldn't want to create ammonia knock out gas) 5) A Maid - Yep after all that eating there is plenty of waste (not to mention a bed pan which needs emptying) this is where a maid comes in handy. Yep! There is no one better to do your dirty work then a minimum paid maid who cleans up s#@t like SuperMan! Beware some maids have a tendancy to forget things and get a bit mixed up. The next time you look for that all important manual you may just find last weeks missing Bed Pan. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Overheard on Good Friday, some 2000 years ago: "You're complaining about the cross you're carrying today?! Wait until you see the stone you've got to roll away in three days time!" Three cute ones from 702 today... 1. Why do women fake orgasm? Because men fake foreplay... 2. How many MCP's does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None - Let the bitch do the ironing in the dark! 3. How do you know when your wife is dead? The sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up in the basin... 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 The Italian who went to Detroit: 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� (Must be read with distinct Italian accent) One day Ima gonna Detroit to bigga hotel. Inna morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna to pisses toast. She bringa me only one piss. I tell her I wanna two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no unnerstan, I wanna to piss onna plate. She say you betta not piss onna plate you sonna ma beetch. So I go back to ma room inna hotel an there is no shits onna ma bed. I calla the manager an tella him I wanna shit. He tella me to go to the toilet. I say you no unnerstan, I wanna shit onna ma bed. He say you sonna ma beetch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress bringa me a spoon anna knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tella me everybody wanna fock. I tella her you no unnerstan, I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock onna table you sonna ma beetch. I go to the check-out an the man at the desk say "Peace onna you". I say "Piss onna you too, you sonna ma beetch." I gonna go back to Italy. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A fairy tale out of Africa: 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Readers, how about a wee fable to start off your day. Once upon a time in Africa, the whole continent was inhabited by the indigenous people. They built their mud huts on top of the underground minerals, ate off the fruit and the fowl of the land and were plagued by diseases such as yellow fever, malaria and the like. Along came Mr. and Mrs. Snow White, and together with their children and children's children they mined the minerals, tilled the soil, procured medicine to ward off the disease, built dams and created industry and wealth. Mr. Baba Blacksheep liked what he saw. Eventually he said to his countrymen, "these things we can do also, let us drive off the whites." And it came to pass in a matter of years after the whites had left that all they had built fell into decay and disrepair, all progress had stopped. "Help, help!", cried Baba and his merry men, "our tummies are empty, we beg all you whites overseas: please do not come in person, just send the cash and we will all live happily ever after." The moral of the story is: A bob in the hand saves two in the bush! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Guy is fucking a bird, so she says, "Insert a finger please" He does, wriggling it around, so she says, "Another please" He complies and after a few moments, she says, "Now your whole hand, please" "Are you sure?", the guy says. "Yes, oh yes", she pants... Another few minutes pass, the bird says, "Put in your other hand too!" "What? I can't do that!", the guy says, shocked. "Do it!", she moans. He struggles, but finally has both hands in her twat up to his wrists. Then she cries, "OK, clap them!" "What! Impossible! I can't do that!", he says to her and she whispers, "Ja, nice and tight, hey?" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 BANANA BREAD RECIPE: Ingredients: 2 laughing eyes 2 loving arms 2 well-shaped legs 2 firm milk containers 1 fur-lined mixing bowl 1 banana Mixing instructions: Look into laughing eyes. Entwine two loving arms. Spread well-shaped legs slowly. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently until fur-lined mixing bowl is well greased. Add banana gently and work in and out until well creamed. Cover with nuts and sigh until well relieved. Bread is done when banana is soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and do not lick the bowl. If bread starts to rise - LEAVE TOWN. ... Girlfriend pregnant: (A)bortion (R)etry (I)gnore (P)anic ? 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Did you know? Scientists have discovered that the average duration of intercourse is four minutes. The average number of strokes per minute is nine. Since the average length is six inches, the average girl receives 216 inches or 18 feet per intercourse session. The average girl does is about three times a week, 50 weeks out of a year, and 150 times 18 makes 2700 feet, or just over half a mile. So girls, if you are not getting your half a mile each year, why not let the man who gave you this to read help you catch up... 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 An Irish mother writing to her son: Dear Paddy, Just a few notes to let you know I am still alive. I am writing slowly because I know you can't read fast. You won't know the house when you come home... we moved. It was a lot of trouble moving, the most difficult thing was the bed. You see, the man wouldn't let us take it in the taxi. It wouldnt've been so bad if your father hadn't been sleeping in it at the time. About your father, he has a lovely job. He has 500 men under him. He's cutting grass in the cemetery. Your sister got herself engaged to that fellow she's been going with. He gave her a beautiful ring with three stones missing. Our neighbours, the Browns, started to keep pigs. We got wind of it this morning. I got my appendix out and a dishwasher put in There was a washing machine in the new house when we moved in but it isn't working too well. Last week I put four shirts into it and pulled the chain. I haven't seen the shirts since. Your little brother came home from school yesterday, crying. All the boys in his school have new suits. We can't afford to buy him a new suit but we're going to buy him a new hat and let him look out the window. Your sister Mary had a baby this morning. I haven't heard yet whether it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you're an aunt or an uncle. Your Uncle Dick was drowned last week in a vat of whisky in Dublin Brewery. Four of his mates dived in to save him but e fought them off bravely. We cremated his body and it took three days to put out the fire. Kate is working now in a factory in Birmingham. She's there for six weeks now. I'm sending her some clean underwear as she says she's been in the same shift since she started. Your father didn't have much to drink at Christmas. I put a bottle of castor oil in his pint of beer, it kept him going 'till New Years Day. I went to the doctor on Thursday, your father came with me. The doctor put a small glass tube into my mouth and told me not to open it for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him. It only rained twice last week, first for three days and then for four. Monday was so windy that one of our chickens laid the same egg four times. We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last instalment isn't paid on your grandmother's grave within seven days, up she comes. I must close now because the plumber is coming to repair the pipes, and there's a shocking smell. Your loving mother PS. I was going to send you �10,00 but I had already sealed the envelope. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 CALENDAR FOR A RUSH JOB 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� 旼컴컴컫컴컴컴쩡컴컴컫컴컴컴쩡컴컴컫컴컴컴쩡컴컴커 � NEG. � FRI. � FRI. � THU. � WED. � TUE. � MON. � 쳐컴컴컵컴컴컴탠컴컴컵컴컴컴탠컴컴컵컴컴컴탠컴컴캑 � 8 � 7 � 6 � 5 � 4 � 3 � 2 � 쳐컴컴컵컴컴컴탠컴컴컵컴컴컴탠컴컴컵컴컴컴탠컴컴캑 � 16 � 15 � 14 � 13 � 12 � 11 � 9 � 쳐컴컴컵컴컴컴탠컴컴컵컴컴컴탠컴컴컵컴컴컴탠컴컴캑 � 23 � 22 � 21 � 20 � 19 � 18 � 17 � 쳐컴컴컵컴컴컴탠컴컴컵컴컴컴탠컴컴컵컴컴컴탠컴컴캑 � 31 � 30 � 29 � 28 � 27 � 26 � 24 � 쳐컴컴컵컴컴컴탠컴컴컵컴컴컴탠컴컴컵컴컴컴탠컴컴캑 � 38 � 37 � 36 � 35 � 34 � 33 � 32 � 읕컴컴컨컴컴컴좔컴컴컨컴컴컴좔컴컴컨컴컴컴좔컴컴켸 1. Every job is in a rush, everyone wants his job yesterday. With this calendar a customer can order his work on the 7th and have it delivered on the 4th. 2. All customers want their jobs on Friday, so there are two Fridays in every week. 3. There are seven days at the end of the month for those end-of-the-month jobs. 4. There will be no first-of-the-month bills to be paid as there isn't any 1st. The 10th and 25th have also been omitted in case you have been asked to pay them on one of these days. 5. There are no bothersome non-productive Saturdays and Sundays. No time-and-and-a-half or double time to pay. 6. There's a new day each week called Negotiation Day. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Old father Moses was sitting on a rock shaking and waving his big hairy fist at the people who walked on the shore. Along came a woman who looked like a decent young lady but walked like a duck, said she's invented a new way to educate the children to sew and to knit. So the boys in the farmyard were shovelling coal from the cellar and on to the fire while old farmer Andy was pulling his horse from the stable and out for a hunt and his lovely young daughter was powdering her nose and eyelashes while singing this song, and if you thought it was dirty you're bloody well wrong! ... I went to Oklahoma and all I got was this bloody T-shirt... 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 How to tell a man's character by the way he urinates: 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Excitable type: Pants are twisted, cannot find the hole, rips pants in temper. Social type: Joins friends in piss even if he does not need to piss. Timid type: Cannot piss if anyone is watching, pretends to, then sneaks back later. Noisy type: Whistles loudly, peeps over partition to look at other bloke's cock. Clever type: Pisses without holding his cock, showing off by adjusting his tie. Frivolous type: Pisses up and down and across walls, tries to hit flies. Absent-minded type: Opens vest, takes out cock and pisses in pants. Worried type: Not quite sure what he's been up to lately, makes furtive close inspection of tool while pissing. Disgruntled type: Stands for a while, grunts, farts, tries to piss, fails, farts and walks away muttering. Personality type: Tells jokes while pissing and flourishes off drops from tool. Sneaky type: Drops silent fart while pissing, sniffs, then looks at bloke next to him. Sloppy type: Pisses down trousers into shoe, walks out with fly open, adjusts his balls outside. Learned type: Reads books or papers while pissing. Vain type: Undoes five flies when two would do to take cock out. Strong type: Bangs tool against side of urinal to knock off drops. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 One night a panda escapes from the zoo, horny as hell. He happens across a woman standing at the street corner and informs her of his urge. She reluctantly agrees, and off they go to her place. After raiding the kitchen and the fridge, he screws this woman solid for three hours. Both tired, he decides to return to his cage in the zoo. On his way out the woman confronts him and asks for payment of services rendered. "Payment?" the panda wonders, "Why should I pay you?" "'Cos I'm a prostitute," the woman responds, bringing out a dictionary, "See, here it says: Prostitute, a woman who engages in sexual intercourse in return for payment." The panda's reply: "Hmmm, that may be so, but you see I'm a panda, like it says in the dictionary: A large bear-like animal, black and white, lives in the mountains of China. It eats shoots and leaves." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 The young lady and her property: 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� One evening, after attending the theatre, two gentlemen walking down the avenue observed a rather well-dressed and attractive lady walking just in front of them. One of the men remarked to the other, "I'd give $100 to spend the night with that woman." To their surprise the young lady overheard the remark and, turning around, she said, "I'll take you up on that." She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion goodnight, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment where they immediately went to bed. The following morning the man presented her with $50 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money stating, "If you don't give me the $100 I'll sue you for it." He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds." The next day he was surprised when he got summons ordering his presence in court as defendant in a law suit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgement against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented." After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honour, my client, this lady here, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent for the sum of $100. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuation of the premises he paid only $50, one half of the sum agreed upon. The rent was not excessive since it was restricted property and we ask judgement to be granted against the defendant to ensure payment of the balance." The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused at the way his opponent had presented the case. His defence was somewhat altered from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honour," he said, "my client agrees that the young lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labour being performed by him personally. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for rental of the said property. We therefore ask you that judgement not be granted." The young lady's lawyer's come-back was thus: "Your honour, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property, and that he did make improvements such as my opponent has described. However, had the defendant not known the well existed he would have never rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft and took the pump with him. In doing so he not only dragged his equipment through the shrubbery but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making it easily accessible to young children. We must therefore ask again that judgement be granted." And she got it! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 DIE NUWE SUID-AFRIKAANSE SPRINGBOK RUGBY SPAN 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� Kleredrag: Swartbroekies, Geel en Groen truie (a la ANC) HEELAGTER: EUGENE TERRE'BLANCHE Hy kan goed keer as daar kak kom. REGTERVLEUEL: DR. ANDRIES TREURNICHT Hy is moers regs. LINKERVLEUEL: DR. DENNIS WORRAL Hy is moers links. SENTERS: NELSON MANDELA EN WALTER SISULU Hulle vat goeie gaps om die kak te mis. LOSSKAKEL: ADRIAAN NIEUWOUDT Hy maak 'n plan as hy in die kak is. SKRUMSKAKEL: FW DE KLERK Hy mik na links, hy mik na regs maar gaan nooit voorentoe nie. VOORRYE: MPO EN MPONJANA (siamese tweeling) Hulle is alreeds gebind. HAKER: DR. ALLAN BOESAK Hy maak goeie gebruik van sy balle. SLOT: BLES BRIDGES Hy ryk altyd na die sterre. SLOT: AARDSBISKOP DESMOND TUTU Hy staan altyd met sy hande in die lug. FLANKE: ANNELIEN KRIEL EN JANI ALLEN Hulle jaag al wat 'n losbol is en tel dan ook al wat losbol is op. AGSIEMAN: PIK BOTHA Hy kruip altyd in almal se gat op. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Two woman executives, Cathy and Jennifer, travel on a business trip to Chicago. As a result of some mix-up at the reception, they have to spend a night in the same room of a hotel, something to which they eventually agree. As Cathy gets ready for bed, Jennifer becomes aroused by the sight of her near-naked colleague, and her homosexual tendencies slowly begin to come to the fore. At the risk of sounding offensive, she decides to inform her friend and moves towards Cathy's bed. "Cathy," she says "We've worked together for many months now, but there's something about me I think you should know: I'll be frank..." "No," Cathy interrupts "Let me be Frank." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Why England is so great a country... I come to England poor and broke Go on dole see labour bloke Fill in forms and stand around Kind man give me twenty pound Thank him much then he say Come back next week and get more pay You come here we make you wealthy Doctor too to keep you healthy Send for friends from Pakistan Tell them come as quick as can Plenty of us on the dole with motor car and big bank role Come with me we live together One bad thing the bloody weather All get nicely settled down Find big house in busy town Fifteen families living up Twice as many living down All are paying nice big rent More in garden live in tent Soon we send for wife and kids Kind man give me lots more quids Twelve months later buy a Rolls Still go labour draw more doles Wife got glasses teeth and pills All are free get no bills White man pays out all the year To keep National Assistance here Bless all white men big and small For paying tax to keep us all We think England damn good place Too damn good for white man race If they do not like coloured man Plenty room in Pakistan! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 TO: ALL DEPARTMENT HEADS AND MALE STAFF DATE: 31-05-95 FROM: MANAGEMENT REF: WWR 1098 SUBJECT: UNCOUTH LANGUAGE 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 The Management wishes to bring to the attention of all personnel that some individuals have been using abusive language in the normal everyday performance of their work duties and this has caused discomfort and embarrassment to female members of the staff who happen to be within hearing range. The following codes have been devised to permit freedom of expression and clarity of communication whilst in the hearing range of feminine members of the staff and also outsiders who may not be aware of our usual means of descriptive adjectivery. From the time of receiving this memo, all personnel are hereby directed to use the following codes in all inter-department communications and oral description. Failure to do so will result in a 504 to those responsible for a breach of these requirements. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 500 Series: "ARSE" 700 Series: (Continued) 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� 501 - Stick it up your arse 716 - It's all fucked up 502 - You're an arsehole 717 - I didn't design the fucking 503 - Kiss my arse thing 504 - You play ball with us, 718 - Don't get fucking smart or we'll stick the bat 719 - Who called this fucking up your arse meeting anyway? 505 - You're nothing but an 720 - Nothing fucking works arse licker around here 721 - No-one fucking works around here 600 Series: "SHIT" 722 - How the fuck should I know? 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 723 - Stick it in your fucking ear! 601 - I don't give a shit 724 - SNAFU (Situation Normal, 602 - This place gives me the All Fucked-Up) shits 725 - You fucked it! 603 - You give me the shits 726 - You fucked her! 604 - Shit a brick 727 - You fucked who? 605 - This person shits me up 728 - Fuck off! the wall 729 - Fuck off fast! 606 - You know what shits me? 730 - Fucking well fuck off! 607 - Eat shit 731 - Fuck it 608 - Beats the shit out of me 732 - For fuck's sake 609 - Oh shit! 733 - Who cares a fuck 700 Series: "FUCK" 800 Series: "GENERAL" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� 701 - Fuck it 801 - Get stuffed 702 - Fuck you 802 - Get nicked 703 - Fuck to you 803 - You bitch 704 - Fuck everyone 804 - You're a bastard 705 - Fuck everything 805 - You dopey prick 706 - I don't give a fuck 806 - Piss off! 707 - Fuck a duck 708 - Get fucked 709 - Who are you telling to 900 Series: "RELIGIOUS" get fucked? 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� 710 - Get off my fucking back 711 - Well, fuck me! 901 - Jesus fuck 712 - Fucking far out! 902 - Bloody hell 713 - I hate this fucking job 903 - Holy shit 714 - Fuck the phone 715 - Lovely, just fucking lovely 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Dear white fella, Coupla things you orta know: Firstly, when I'm born I'm black, when I grow up I'm black, when I get sick I'm black, when I go ou' in the sun I'm black, when I'm cold I'm black, when I get scared, geez, I'm still black, and when I die I remain black. But you, white fella, you... When you born you're pink, when you grow up you white, when you get sick you get green, when you go out in de sun you goes red, when you cold you turn blue, but when you scared you go yellow, and when you die you go purple. .... and you got the cheek to call ME coloured?! 旼컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴커 � � � ALL EMPLOYEES ARE � � REQUESTED TO TAKE � � A BATH BEFORE REPORTING � � TO WORK � � � � Since we have to kiss your arse � � to get you to do anything we � � want it to be nice and clean! � � � � � 읕컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴켸 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 NIGGER APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� It is not neces- sary to attach a photo since you all look alike. Date: ___________ Name: _______________________________________________________ Address: ____________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________ Note 1: If living in a car, give make, model and licence no; 2: If living in squatter camp, give name of nearest white suburb or shopping centre; 3: If living in Joubert Park, give bench no; 4: If living in condemned, uncompleted or currently un- occupied building or house, indicate name of lawful owner. 5: If living in servant's quarters, indicate your alleged relationship to the maid; 6: If living in hostel, move out. Telephone Number: ___________________________________________ If suspended, give stolen cell-phone number: ________________ Name of mother: _____________________________________________ Names of possible fathers: __________________________________ Date of birth (approx. D.O.B. if unknown):___________________ Place of birth: Mission Hospital __ Free Public Hospital __ Mielie Patch __ Back Alley __ Hillbrow __ Zoo __ Tree __ Other (Specify) ___________ Tribe: ______________________________________________________ Literacy: Read __ Write __ Spell __ Speak __ Think __ How many words do you talk a minute? ________________________ Marital Status: Common Law __ Shacked up __ Homosexual __ Tribal __ Other (Specify) ________________ How many children do you have? 1st Wife ____ 2nd Wife ____ 3rd Wife ____ Neighbour's wife ____ Brother's wife ____ Rape Victims ____ Other (Specify) ______________________ Approximate Estimate of Income and Source: Shoplifting R____ Theft R____ Burglary R____ Welfare R____ Pirate Taxi R_____ Pimping R____ Murder R____ Other (Specify) R_______________ Check off Machines you can operate: Wheelbarrow __ AK47 __ Petrol Pump __ Crow Bar __ Public Telephone __ Boom Box __ Spade __ Other (Specify) _________ Abilities and Skills: Rapist __ Murderer __ Politician __ Pirate Taxi Driver __ Demonstration Leader __ Carjacking __ Union Member __ Burglar __ Hawker __ Road-side Mechanic __ Dagga Salesman __ Other (Specify) __________________________ Check off food you like best: Samp __ Beans __ Pet Food __ Bread and Coke __ Table Scraps __ Watermelon __ Bananas __ Chicken Licken __ Tinned Fish __ All of the above _________ Check off illnesses you have had in the past year: AIDS __ Ebola __ T.B. __ Leprosy __ Syphilis __ Hepatitis B __ Bilharzia __ Babbelaas __ Other (Specify) ______________ Sign your X here or make thumb print: _______________________ ... Father's day in Soweto is the height of confusion 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Africanised portfolios of the parliament of the New South Africa 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 State President ..................................... Parliamunt Prime Minister ..................................... Achievemunt Minister of Education ................................ Fundimunt Minister of Employment ........................... Retrenchemunt Minister of Unemployment .............................. Pavemunt Minister of Justice ................................. Punishmunt Minister of Economics ............................. Embezzlemunt Minister of Internal Affairs .......................... Fragmunt Minister of Transport and Railways .................. Derailmunt Minister of State Security .......................... Harrasmunt Minister of Finance ................................ Insolvemunt Minister of Aviation and Aeronautics .................... Moontu Minister of Pensions ................................ Enduremunt Minister of Spices and Condiments ................... Peppermunt Minister of Drinks and Liquor ........................ Phusamunt Minister of Philately and Mail ....................... Philimunt Minister of Telecommunications ..................... Entaglemunt Minister of Morals and Standards .................... Excitemunt Minister of Surveying and Photography .............. Developmunt Minister of Health and Medicines ...................... Mutimunt Minister of Family Planning ........................ Preventmunt Minister of Arts, Culture, Science and Technology ....... Vacant Minister without Portfolio ......................... Just-a-munt 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A man is like a train... At 20 years he is like the local train, it stops at every station; At 30 years he is like a special train, stopping at large towns; At 40 years he is like the express train, stopping only at major cities; At 50 years he is like an old locomotive, it stops only to water; At 60 years he doesn't leave anymore, it remains in the yard. A woman is like the world... At 20 years she is like Africa, immature but curious; At 30 years she is like India: warm, mature and mysterious; At 40 years she is like America, technically perfect; At 50 years she is like the Himalayas... well-explored, but still hard to conquer; At 60 years she is like Siberia - everybody knows where it is, but nobody wants to go there! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 I'm fine, thank you! There is nothing the matter with me, I'm as healthy as I can be. I have arthritis in both my knees, And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze. My pulse is weak and my blood is thin, But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in. Arch supports I have for my feet, Or I wouldn't be able to be on the street. Sleep is denied me night after night, But every morning I find I'm all right. My memory is failing, my head's in a spin, But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in. The moral is this - as my tale I unfold - That for you and me who are growing old, It's better to say "I'm fine" with a grin Than to let folks know the shape we are in. How do I know that my youth is all spent? Well, my "Get up and go" has got up and went. But I really don't mind when I think with a grin Of all the grand places my "get up" has been. Old age is golden I've heard it said, But sometimes I wonder as I get into bed. With my ears in the drawer, my teeth in a cup, My eyes on the table until I wake up Ere sleep overtakes me, I say to myself, "Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?" When I was young my slippers were red, I could kick my heels over my head. When I was older my slippers were blue, But I could still dance the whole night through. Now I am old my slippers are black, I walk to the store and puff my way back. I get up each morning and dust off my wits And pick up the paper and read the "Obits", If my name is still missing I know I'm not dead, So I have a good breakfast and go back to bed. -- Author Unknown 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 This is a somewhat dated joke, but the humour remains... About a month ago, Pik Botha, Prime Minister of South Africa was looking for a call girl. He found three such girls in a bar: a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. To the blonde he said, "I am the Prime Minister of South Africa. How much would it cost me to spend the night with you?" She replied, "300 Rand." He then made the same proposition to the brunette, and her reply was "500 Rand." He then asked the redhead. Her reply was: "Mr. Prime Minister, if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes, get my panties as low as my wages, get your prick as hard as the times, keep it hard as long as I have to wait in line for petrol, keep me warmer than my apartment and screw me the way you do the public, believe me, Mr. Prime Minister, it ain't going to cost you a fucking cent!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 AMBIGUOUS: 컴컴컴컴� THE FOLLOWING ARE ACTUAL STATEMENTS FOUND ON INSURANCE FORMS WHERE THE CAR DRIVERS ATTEMPTED TO SUMMARISE THE DETAILS OF AN ACCIDENT IN THE FEWEST POSSIBLE WORDS. THE INSTANCES OF FAULTY WRITING SERVE TO CONFIRM THAT EVEN INCOMPETENT WRITING MAY BE HIGHLY ENTERTAINING. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows. The direct cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. The other car collided with mine without giving me warning of its intentions. I thought my windows was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. The truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a couple of times before I hit him. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. In an attempt to kill a fly I hit a telephone pole. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached the intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my view and I did not see the other car. I had been driving for 40 years now when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. I was on my way to the doctor with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared where no stop sign had ever been before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I hit a pedestrian. An invisible car came from nowhere, struck my car and vanished. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had fractured my skull. I was sure the old fellow would not make it to the other side of the road when I struck him. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car. ... A collision happens when two motorists go after the same pedestrian. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 IF YOU ARE UNHAPPY 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time he began to form ice on his wings and he fell to earth in a barn- yard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped all over the sparrow. The sparrow thought this was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. All but happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then, a large cat passed by and, upon hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him. The moral of the story: 1. Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy; 2. Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend; 3. And if you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A naughty little poem! I'm sure you can imagine As plain as can be The place is Piccadilly The players He and She. She whispered "will it hurt me?" "Of course not" answered he "It's a very simple process, You can rely on me." She said "I'm very frightened, I've not had this before. My friend has had it five times And said it can be sore". Then finally contended Lay back and relax a bit Quickly and readily he bent over her And then he started it. It was growing rather painful Tears formed in her eyes It was hurting quite a bit now It must have been quite a size. "Calm yourself" he whispered His face was filled with a grin "Try and open a bit wider So I can get it in". "It's coming now" he whispered "I know" she cried in bliss Feeling it deep within her now She said "I am glad I am having this". And with a final effort She gave a frightened shout He gripped it in anguish And quickly pulled it out. She lay back quite contended Sighed and gave a smile She said "I'm glad I came now You made it worth my while". Now if you read this carefully The dentist you will find Is not what you imagined It's just your dirty mind! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 TO: ALL CONCERNED FROM: CP HEADQUARTERS DATE: 23rd APRIL 1993 SUBJECT : DAY OF MOURNING ( DR. A. TREURNICHT ) ----------------------------------------------- WITH IMMEDIATE EFFECT, ALL PERSONNEL TO BE NOTIFIED THAT AT 11:30 a.m. TODAY ALL WILL BE REQUIRED TO MARCH DOWN WEST STREET FOR A DAY OF SHOOTING AND LOOTING, WHEREUPON MONDAY MORNING ALL WILL BE REQUIRED TO SPEND A DAY MOURNING THE DEATH OF OUR BELOVED DR. TREURNICHT. Please teach all non-CP members the art of sakkie-sakkie as this will be the preferred dance to toi-toying. The march will start at the Dutch Reformed Church next to the well-known town brothel and members will be expected to sakkie-sakkie all the way to the City Hall. Slow members to start an hour earlier than others (accordion optional extra). All members are expected to be at the points timeously. The funeral procession will proceed from the said church next to the brothel to Umlazi Township Cemetery where Dr. Treurnicht will lie in state for the whole day (bring smelling salts for the faint of heart, Indians expected to bring incense for obvious reasons). The township people will supply the cremation. There will be a 21 beer- drinking drinking salute after the cremation. Fire engines to be on standby in case the flames do not extinguish themselves. 14 Indian Mynahs will be released as a sign of impending doom - those who prefer white Indian Mynahs must supply their own aerosol spray. We request all people attending the funeral to be as disorderly as possible when going home. Please note: No police cars or army vehicles to be torched. Mini buses will however be tolerated - preferably full. Thereafter you can all piss off home. Yours sincerely, X Fuzzy Fartzenberg 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 The five most important men in a woman's life: 1. Doctor 2. Dentist 3. Coal Man 4. Paper Hanger 5. Bank Manager Reasons? 1. The Doctor says, "Lie down." 2. The Dentist says, "Open up." 3. The Coal Man says, "Back or front, Madam?" 4. The Paper Hanger says, "Now that it's up, how do you like it?" 5. The Bank Manager says, "My dear, we don't withdraw now, else you loose interest!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Not really applicable any more, but still... A long time ago when America was green there were many tribes of Indian to be seen. They cared not to build cities or even a town then the white man came to America to gun them down God bless America, what a lovely sight you killed all the Indians to keep your country white. God bless America, you have so much to say about the little problem in the R.S.A. A long time ago when England was alright there were no blacks there, people were white. Mr. Powell heard a rumour and kicked up a din the government went weak and let the black folks in. God bless England, what a lovely sight to see in Brixton the black against the white. God bless England, you have so much to say about the little problem in the R.S.A. Years ago, up north, when people were a failure they were packed into ships and sent to Australia. They arrived in the country and landed at its shore to be met by the black one who doesn't live there any more. God bless Australia, what a lovely sight there are no blacks left to give trouble to the white. God bless Australia, you have so much to say about the little problem in the R.S.A. A long time ago in Africa, way down south the black man was dying, no medicine for his mouth. In 1652 the white man arrived and gave out medicine to keep the black man alive. God bless South Africa, what a lovely sight working together, the black and the white. It's England, Australia and America today that are causing the little problem in the R.S.A. ------------------------------------------------------------- Willem and Van were out fishing and had a great catch. "I hope you remembered the spot where we caught the fish..." "No problem," remarked Van, "I made a cross on the side of the boat." "You idiot!! That's no good," Willem shouted. "Why not?" "We might not get the same boat next time..." ------------------------------------------------------------- A talent scout was walking past a building site when he saw a man doing to handsprings, three forward somersaults and two backflips. "I'll book you for the London Palladium immediately," said the impressed talent scout. "In that case you'll have to book Frikkie as well," said the acrobat. "Why?" asked the scout. "Because he's the one who moered me on the hand with a hammer." ------------------------------------------------------------- Koos met Van coming down the street carrying a very expensive Video recorder. "Hey Van, that's a lekker video machine. I must've cost a fortune." "Ja," said Van, "it cost me R2000." "Jislaaik, where did you get that sort of money?" asked Koos. "Ag man, it was easy. I just sold my TV." ------------------------------------------------------------- TOURS OF ALEXANDRA TOWNSHIP: --------------------------- THE 'FLAMING NECKLACE' PROUDLY PRESENTS TWO NEW TOURS TO RENOWNED SITES IN THE CITY. ======================================================== TOUR A: Transport per SAP/SANDF Caspir. Departs Randburg police station every hour on the hour. Visitors will be able to view stone-throwing hordes of rioters from the safety of a landmine-proof vehicle through 2-inch armour plate windows. Koeksisters, koffie and a free 3-D pop-up SANDF recruitment poster are included in the price of the tour. All funds raised will be donated to the rebuilding of schools, beer halls and churches. Optional Extras: Tear gas cannisters, R1s and shotguns will be available at the start of the tour for a nominal fee. Visitors are respectfully requested not to activate the cannisters while still inside the Caspirs. TOUR B: Transport per ethnic pirate taxi. Departs corner of 12th Street and Louis Botha Avenue every hour on the half-hour. Disembarkation will take place at strategic points in Alexandra township where visitors will be supplied with projectiles at the following rates: Brick .............................................. R2.00c Half-brick ......................................... R1.00c Stones and 2-ounce packets of gravel ............... R0.50c Points in the fringe stone-throwing competition may be scored by visitors on this tour. Individual scores will depend on the following: Inter-alia, make of car, registration number, number of occupants and accuracy of strike. Bonus points will be awarded for direct hits on police and riot vehicles. Petrol bombs and bicycles will be available at a nominal extra charge for use in attacking Caspirs and leading group tour parties to armed members of the SAP. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 How people fart... 1. The 'in' person - One who loves to smell his own farts 2. The amiable person - One who loves to smell other people's farts 3. The proud person - One who thinks his farts are exceptionally fine 4. The shy person - One who farts silently and then blushes 5. The impudent person - One who farts loud and then laughs 6. The scientific person - One who farts regularly but is concerned about the ozone layer. 7. The unfortunate person - One who would love to fart but shits instead 8. The honest person - One who admits he farted but offers a good medical reason 9. The nervous person - One who stops in the middle of a fart 10. The homosexual person - One who smells a fart and starts singing "Love is in the air!" 11. The dishonest person - One who farts and blames the dog 12. The Jewish person - One who won't allow others to smell his farts 13. The foolish person - One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours 14. The thrifty person - One who always has a good fart in reserve 15. The strong person - One who has extremely powerful farts 16. The blonde person - One who hears a fart and answers the telephone 17. The anti-social person - One who excuses himself and farts in privacy 18. The strategic person - One who conceals his farts with coughing 19. The sadistic person - One who farts in bed, then fluffs the covers over his bedmate 20. The intellectual person - One who can determine from the smell of a fart what was eaten lately 21. The athletic person - One who farts at the slightest exertion 22. The optimistic person - One who farts with a clear conscience 23. The miserable person - One who loves to fart but simply can't 24. The boisterous person - One who proudly announces a fart 25. The sensitive person - One who farts and then starts crying 26. The pessimistic person - One who drops a silent one and then runs for cover 27. The eloquent person - One who farts just as much as is necessary 28. The glad person - One who farts the normal amount and is glad about it as he is convinced it is a sign of good health 29. The disgusting person - One who farts and then walks around to disperse it evenly 30. The unlucky person - One whose farts are accompanied by solid matter. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 WHO'S THE BOSS? When the body was first made all the parts wanted to be boss. The brain said, "Since I control everything and do all the thinking I should be boss." The feet said, "Since we carry man wherever he wants to go and get him to the position the brain wants, we should be boss." The hands said, "Because we do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going we should be boss." And so it went on with the heart, the ears, the lungs and finally the arsehole spoke up and demanded it be made boss. All the other parts laughed at the idea of an arsehole being boss. The arsehole was so angered that he blocked himself off and refused to function. Soon, the brain was feverish, the eyes crossed and ached, the feet were too weak to walk, the hands just hung limply at the sides, and the heart and lungs struggled to keep going. All pleaded with the brain to relent and let the arsehole be boss. And so it happened, all the parts did their work, just the arsehole bossed around and passed out a lot of shit. The moral of the story is: You don't have to be a brain to be boss, just an arsehole! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 SOUTH AFRICA MANDELA IS MY SHEPHERD Mandela is my shepherd I shall not work He maketh me lie down on the park benches He leadeth me besides the still factories He restoreth my faith in the Conservative Party He guideth me in the path of unemployment Although I walk through the valley of the soup kitchen I shall still be hungry For I feel they are evil against me They have anointed my income with tax My expenses runneth over my salary Surely poverty and hard living shall follow me All the days of the labour administration. 5000 years Moses said, "Pick up your shovels, mount your camels and I'll take you to the promised land." 5000 years later PW said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your ass and light up a camel, this is the promised land." Now, watch out, or Mandela will take away your shovel, sell your camel, kick your ass and take away the promised land. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 MURPHY'S LAWS 컴컴컴컴컴컴� (Murphy was an optimist) If anything can go wrong, it will. No good deed goes unpunished. Leak-proof seals will. Self-starters will not. Interchangeable parts won't. There is always one more bug. Nature is a mother. Don't mess with Mrs. Murphy. 90% of everything is crud. If you're feeling good, don't worry - you'll get over it. All warranties expire upon payment of invoice. Where you stand on an issue depends on where you sit. Never eat prunes when you are famished. Friends come and go but enemies accumulate. If you try to please everybody nobody will like it. The shortcut is the longest distance between two points. You will always find something in the last place you look. The chance of a buttered piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. No matter how hard and long you shop for an item, after you've bought it it will be on sale somewhere else for cheaper. The other line is always faster. In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it. Anything you try to fix yourself will take longer and cost more than you thought. If it jams, force it. If it breaks it needed replacing anyway. Any tool dropped while repairing your card will always roll underneath its exact center. A repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before. When a broken appliance is demonstrated to a repairman it will work perfectly fine. A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth. Everybody should believe in something. I believe I should have another drink. Design a system that a fool could use, and only a fool will use it. Everybody has a scheme for getting rich quick that won't work. You will remember that you forgot to put out the trash when the garbage truck is two blocks away. There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening. It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. A bird in the hand is safer than a bird on the head. Murphy's Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train. Celibacy is not hereditary. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. Beauty is only skin deep, uglyness goes to the bone. To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression. Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. A Smith & Wesson beats four aces. If everything seems to be going well you obviously don't know what the hell you're doing. If only one person is responsible for a miscalculation nobody will be at fault. In case of doubt make it sound convincing. Never argue with a fool, people might not know the difference. ... In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 NOTICE: It has come to the attention of management that employees have been found dying on the job and are either refusing or neglecting to fall down. This practice must cease forthwith, and any dead employee found in an upright position will be removed from the salary register immediately. If in future a departmental head notices that an employee has not moved for an hour he will immediately investigate the cause as for some employees it is difficult to distinguish between death and natural movement. A careful investigation should be made by holding a salary cheque in front of the suspect corpse as this is considered to be a very reliable test. There have been, however, cases where natural instinct has been so strong that the hand of the corpse has made spasmodic clutches even after rigor mortis has set in. The most successful test is to whisper "sick leave". This has been known to revive a body that has been dead for more than a week. This test should, however, not be applied to departmental heads of whom movement of any kind is rarely suspected. ------------------------------------------------------------- A Mafia godfather was showing his two favourite hitmen around his personal art gallery. "Boys," said the godfather, stopping in front of a large landscape painting, "this work of art was done by Mozart and this one here by Beethoven, and this one was done by Strauss." He went down the line showing them works by Liszt, Schubert, Bach and a host of other composers. At the end of the tour he turned to the hitmen. "Well boys, what so you think?" "Very nice boss, but all these guys were composers." "Luigi," replied the godfather, "when I tell a man to paint - he paints!" ------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the Irish Rubik's Cube? It's completely green. The record is two hours. ------------------------------------------------------------ "And that, gentleman, concludes my annual report. All those against, please signify by raising your right hand and saying 'I resign'." ------------------------------------------------------------- Several readers have asked for the vital statistics of Miss Miliepap 1994. For the record, they are 28-11-29. Oops, sorry, that's her date of birth. ------------------------------------------------------------- Van was travelling by air to London from Johannesburg when one of the four engines of the 747 failed. "Please don't be alarmed," reassured the captain over the intercom, "this plane can safely fly on three engines. However, we'll arrive in London an hour late." Then another engine stopped and the captain told the passengers that the plane is perfectly safe but they'll arrive two hours late. Shortly afterwards the third engine failed and the captain again reassured his passengers that they'd be alright but would regrettably arrive in London three hours late. After the last bit of news Van turned to the man sitting next to him and said, "Man, I hope the last engine doesn't go, or we'll be up here forever." ------------------------------------------------------------- It's been statistically proven that if your parents didn't have children, chances are you won't either. ------------------------------------------------------------- A proud major was showing off his battery to a general. During the inspection he suddenly turned to one soldier and shouted, "What would you do if the first gunner's head was blown off?" "Nothing, sir!" was the startled reply. "Why not?" boomed the major. "Because I am the first gunner..." ------------------------------------------------------------- My brother has cracked the employment problem. He gets part- time jobs in December as a postman, a garbage collector (sanitation engineer in the USA) and a milkman - and lives on the Christmas boxes for the rest of the year. ------------------------------------------------------------- Headline of the week: Passengers hit by cancelled trains. ------------------------------------------------------------- SOME SILLY RIDDLES: 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Print this out and fold here - | How many four-cent stamps are there in a dozen? | Twelve | How many birthdays does the average man have? | One a year | Some months have 30 days, some months have 31 | days. How many months have 28 days? | Twelve | I have in my hand two South African coins which | total 55c. What are the two coins, if the one is | Then the other not a 5c coin? | is a 5c coin | How many animals of each species did Moses take | on the ark with him? | It was Noah! | If you had only one match and entered a dark room | with a kerosene lamp, an oil heater and a candle, | which would you light first? | The match | You take two apples from three apples. | What do you have? | Two apples | How deep can a dog run into the woods? | Only halfway, | else he would | be running out A rooster facing north lays an egg on a blue | pointed roof. Which side will the egg roll? | A rooster?? | I've got ten apples and you got ten apples. If I | take one of your ten apples, how many apples have | I got more than you? | Two | There are four penguins and only one umbrella. | Why didn't they get wet? | It didn't rain. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 THE YOUNG GIRL AND HER LIGHTER: 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A young girl who was a heavy smoker invested in a cigarette lighter to economise in matches. After a short time it began to give trouble. So she spoke to a gentleman who had one, having just seen him light a cigarette with it and put it in his pocket. She: Now be a dear and tell me about that thing you have there in your trousers. He: (Misunderstanding her and feeling a bit embarrassed) I'm not used to discussing such things with ladies. She: Now there is no need to be shy. Tell me, how does yours work? Do you jerk it up and down? He: Oh, sometimes... She: Then it's different from mine, mine just opens and shuts. Do you rub yours up and down until something comes? He: Oh yes, especially in cold weather. She: Have you ever tried pulling your wick and dipping it? He: No, most certainly not! She: Oh. You should, it does it good. You never soaked it before then? He: Of course I haven't. She: You should try it then sometimes, it takes the stiffness out of it. He: Er, well... I'm afraid that you are a naughty girl. She: (Thinking he referred to smoking) Oh, every girl does it nowadays anyway. What about your wick, is it a long one? He: Yes, it is rather on the long side. She: I think I will have to try a bigger one because the one I use does not seem to go far enough to do any good. Does yours go red on the end when it's dry? He: Yes. She: So does mine. In the past mine has been giving me much trouble. Would you like to have a look at it? He: No no, not now. We had better wait until it's dark. She: Don't be ridiculous, you can see much better in the daylight. It has been leaking these past few days so I have put a rag around it. I'll unwind it now (opening her handbag and producing her lighter). Look, here it is (dashing her lighter). It has run out again, damn... now I'll have to go back to matches. The young man collapses. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 YOU AND YOUR BOSS: 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� When you take a long time you're slow. When your boss takes a long time he's thorough. When you don't do it you're lazy. When your boss doesn't do it he's too busy. When you make a mistake you're an idiot. When your boss makes a mistake he's only human. When you're doing something without being told you're overstepping your authority. When your boss does the same thing that's initiative. When you take a stand you're being bullheaded. When your boss does it he's being firm. When you overlook the rule of etiquette you're being rude. When your boss skips a few rules he's being original. When you please your boss you're arse-creeping. When your boss pleases his boss he's being co-operative. When you get ahead you get the breaks. When your boss gets ahead that's because he's so clever. When you're out off the office you're wandering around. When your boss is out of the office he's on business. When you have one too many drinks at a social you're a drunken bum. When your boss does the same he's being social. When you look at a woman with interest you're a sex maniac. When your boss does the same he appreciates women. When you're a day off sick you're always sick. When your boss is a day off sick he must be very ill. When you apply for leave you don't need it because you never do any work. When your boss applies for leave he deserves the break because he's so overworked. 複蔔栢栢栢複 蔔栢께께栢께께栢白 硼硼 蔔栢栢� � 栢 � 꾼栢栢� 沙沙 栢百 栢栢栢栢 栢栢栢 栢栢栢栢 査栢 蔔栢複査幡栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢賞百複栢白 蔔� 査 賽栢栢栢栢栢賽 百 賞� 蔔白複複蔔栢 賽賽賽 栢白複複蔔白 賞� 蔔栢栢査栢白 蔔� 賞複賞栢魄栢幡複幡 賽栢栢栢栢賽 賞栢幡 ------------------------- It was well known in town that a certain house painter made a practice of cheating his customers by thinning the paint with turpentine. His most recent project was a church steeple. Just as he finished the job, huge clouds gathered over the church, and a heavy downpour washed away the wet paint. A great booming voice from above the clouds was heard to say, "Repaint and thin no more." ---------------------------------------------------------- A huge funeral procession is in the distance. The news reporter weaves his car through the traffic and finds place to park. He climbs out of his car and asks someone in the procession: "Who died and why are there so many people at this funeral?" "Ask the guy with the dog in front." He nudges past a few people and again asks: "Why are there so many people in this procession? Who died?" Again, he is told to ask the man with the dog in front. He nudges and pushes past people. After a few minutes, he reaches the front and sees a man with a rottweiler on a leash. "Who died?" He asks. "My mother-in-law." How did she die? "My dog bit her." He thinks for a moment and then asks: "Can I borrow your dog?" "Get to the back of the queue." ----------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the chicken cross the road ? A: It was stapled to the punk rocker ! ----------------------------------------------------------- And now the big list of well known books: "The Hole In The Bed" by Mr. Completely "Safety On The Rifle Range" by Miss Fyre "Holes In The Toilet" by I. P. Stones "Yellow River" by I. P. Freeley "Rusty Bedsprings" by I. P. Nightly "The Bear Got Me" by Claude Bawls "Under The Grandstand" by I. Seymour Butz "Elephant's Dong" by Miles Long "Race To The Outhouse" by Willie Maykit "The Art Of The Strip Tease" by Oliver Klosoff "Lying To Your Lover" by Faye King "Tax-free Withdrawals" by Robin Banks "Beer: The Secrets To Success" by Phil R. Upp "How To Leave Early" by Ken I. Gonow "How To Make More Room In A Bed" by Sly Dover "Down The Flag Pole" by Dick Burns "So You've Testified Against The Mafia, Now What?" by Yurin Trubble "Play It Safe" by Justin Case ----------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why did the woman cross the road ? A: Who cares - what was she doing out of the kitchen ! ----------------------------------------------------------- A blond and a brunette are walking down the street. The brunette looks at the ground and says "shame, look at the dead bird". The blond looks up to the sky and says *Where* ? ----------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a pregnant Irish woman ? A: A _dope_ carrier ! ----------------------------------------------------------- A Scotsman won the lottery....yet had a very long face. When asked why, he replied, "Aye, it grieves me to think of the dollar I wasted on the second ticket." ----------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you get a nun pregnant ? A: And you think that blonds are dumb !!! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 You just might be a grad student if: ...you can identify universities by their internet domains. ...you are constantly looking for a thesis in novels. ...you have difficulty reading anything that doesn't have footnotes. ...the concept of free time scares you. ...you consider caffeine to be a major food group. ...you've ever brought books with you on vacation and actually studied. ...Saturday nights spent studying no longer seem weird. ...the professor doesn't show up to class and you discuss the readings anyway. ...you've ever travelled across two state lines specifically to go to a library. ...you appreciate the fact that you get to choose *which* twenty hours out of the day you have to work. ...you still feel guilty about giving students low grades (you'll get over it). ...you can read course books and cook at the same time. ...you schedule events for academic vacations so your friends can come. ...you hope it snows during spring break so you can get more studying in. ...you've ever worn out a library card. ...you find taking notes in a park relaxing. ...you find yourself citing sources in conversation. ...you've ever sent a personal letter with footnotes. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 GEORGE TAKES UP GOLF -------------------- My wife said to me, "George, it's about time that you learned to play golf. That's the game where you chase a ball all over the country when you're too old to chase women. So I went to Jones and asked him if he would teach me how to play. He said : "Sure. You've got balls, havn't you?". "Yes" I said, "but sometimes, on cold mornings, they're kind of hard to find". "Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow" he said, "and we'll Tee-Off". "What's Tee-Off?" I asked. He answered: "It's a golf term and we have too Tee-Off in front of the Clubhouse". "Not for me" I said, "you can Tee-Off where you want to but I'll Tee-Off behind the Barn somewhere". "No, No" he said, "a Tee-Off is a little thing about the size of your finger". "Yeah - I've got one of those". "Well," he said, "you stick it in the ground and put your ball on on top of it". I asked: "Do you play Golf sitting down? I always thought that you stood up and walked around". "You do" he said, "you're standing up when you put your ball on the Tee". Well folks, I thought that was stretching things a little too far and I said so. "Your balls are in the bag aren't they?". "Of course" I told him. "Well," he said, "can you open the bag and take one out?" "I suppose I could," I said, "but I'm damned if I'm going to". He asked if I didn't have a Zipper on my bag and I told him, "no, mine is the old fashioned type". Then he asked me if I knew how to hold my club. Well, after 50 years I should have a pretty good idea and I told him so. He said: "You take your club in both hands .... " Folks, I knew right then that he didn't know what he was talking about! He asked: "How do you hold your club?" and I told him: "In my two fingers of course!" He said that wasn't right and got behind me, put both his arms round me and told me to bend over and he would show me how. He didn't catch me there! I hadn't put four years in the Navy for nothing! He said "You hit the ball with the club and it will soar and soar ...." "I can well imagine it!" I said. Then He said: "and when you're on the green ..." "What's the green?" I asked. "That's where the hole is." He said. "Sure you're not colour blind?" I asked. "No. Then take your putter ..." "What's a putter?" I asked. "That's the smallest club made" he said. "That's what I've got, a putter". "... and with it" he said, "you put your ball in the hole". I corrected "You mean the putter..." He said: "The ball. The hole isn't big enough for the ball and the putter". Then he said: "After you make the first hole, you go on to the next leg". He wasn't with me at all. After two holes, I'm shot to hell! He said: "You mean you can't take 18 holes in one day?" "Hell no. It takes me 18 days to make one hole! - Besides, how do I know when I'm at the 18th hole?" He said: "The flag will be up". That would be just my luck! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� A salesman aproached Jimmy, sitting on the stoep of a house. "Sonny," he asked, "is your mommy home?" "Yep," he said. The salesman began to ring the doorbell. He rang, and rang, and rang, but there was no answer. Finally he turned to Jimmy and said angrily, "I thought you said your mommy was home!" "I did," said Jimmy, "but this isn't my house!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Two Kugels shopping in Sandton City. One of the Kugels Cell phone rings, so she answers it & a coup'la seconds later Squeels..."But Dol, how'd you know I was here?"!!!;-) Van goes on holiday to the UK. The one day he decides to go and look at Buckingham palace, but gets lost. So he sees this Bobby and asks him "Excuse me sir, but can you tell me where Buckingham palace is?" The Bobby looks at him and says "Sir, in English no sentence is terminated with a verb." So Van strips and says "Oh in that case, can you tell me where Buckingham palace is, DOOS?" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 ONE LINERS * You can fool all of the people some of the time.... and some of the people all of the time... but you can't fool MOM! * People always like crowds. The bigger the crowd, the more people show up. Small crowds...hardly anybody shows up. * I don't need a car alarm. To deter thieves, I just leave the repair bills on the dash! * I went to a doctor who specializes in acupuncture. I got stuck for $200! * The Soviets are trying to learn from the U.S. They've already patterned their bread lines after our Department of Motor Vehicles! * I'd like to lose some weight, but the gym can be very discouraging. Yesterday I sat on the rowing machine and it sank! * It's been a tough week. Today they cancelled my life insurance policy. They said I need to get a life! * I recently attended a stress management seminar, and I discovered that the cause of my stress IS management! * When buying a used car, check the radio's push buttons. If they are all set on rock stations, the transmission is probably shot! * My brother-in-law has terrible luck. If he had been a dog on Noah's Ark, he would have had both fleas! * We could solve our trade deficit problem by making Japan our 51st state. * The President had released his Clean Air Act. It has three basic parts: Reduction of sulfur emissions, increased use of ethanol fuels, and Al Gore has to change his socks more often. * Sometimes my roommate really gets on my nerves. Last night he had a date and asked if he could borrow by vasectomy. * Every day I try to work 8 hours and sleep 8 hours. Usually, it's the same 8 hours. * Tourist: Do people often fall off this cliff? Guide: No sir, once is usually enough. * "This is the sixth time you've been before me!" "That's right judge, When I like somebody I give'em all my business." * Just Heard what they do to fast women in Arkansas...... They put a Governor on them.... * Intelligence has a lot to do with what folks believe - those with smart kids, for instance, are more likely to believe in heredity. * When a man starts singing his own praise it is pretty sure to be a solo. * "I wonder," remarked the vain young woman, "how many men will be miserable when I marry." "It all depends,"replied her friend, "on how many of them you marry." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 BREAKFAST EGG It seems the mother was determined her six year old daughter should learn table manners and especially that she should eat what was put before her without question or complaint. On a morning at breakfast the mother sat behind the coffee mug reading her mail. Little Mildred, her daughter, was sitting on a high-chair at the other end of the table. The maid put down a cup holding a soft-boiled egg in front of Little Mildred. "Please, mama," said Mildred. "I don't want an egg this morning. I had an egg yesterday morning. Eggs are high in cholesterol!" "Never mind what you had yesterday morning," said the mother without looking up from her reading. "Eggs are good for you. Now you open that egg and eat every bit of it, you hear?" Little Mildred sniffled but obeyed. Presently her voice again spoke up in protest. "Mama, I don't like this egg. I don't think it's a very nice egg." "It is a nice egg," contradicted the mother, still immersed in her correspondence. "Go on and finish eating your breakfast." Another pause ensued, broken only by muffled sobs and gulps from Little Mildred. Then Mildred said, "Mama, I've eaten nearly all of it. Can't I stop now?" "Mildred, I don't want to have to speak to you again on your table manners. I've told you what you had to do," replied the mother firmly. "But, Mama!" and now Little Mildred's voice rose to a loud cry, "do I have to eat it's bill, legs, and eyes, too?" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 RESCUE MISSION FOR FAILED CHRISTIANS: 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 PO Box 12345 Johannesburg 2000 28-04-1995 Perhaps you have heard of me and my nationwide campaign in the cause of temperance? Each year for the past fourteen years I have toured South Africa and Namibia, delivering a series of lectures on THE EVILS OF DRINK. On these tours I was accompanied by a young friend and assistant named David Powell. David, a young man of good family and excellent background was a pathetic example of a life ruined by excessive indulgence in STRONG DRINK AND WOMEN. David would appear with me at the lectures and sit on the platform, wheezing and staring at the audience through bleary, bloodshot eyes, sweating profusely, picking his nose, farting and making obscene gestures as I pointed him out as a prime example of what strong drink can do to a person. Unfortunately, last month, David died. A mutual friend has provided me with your name, and I wonder if you will be able to take David's place on my next tour in June, as so many people have recommended you as a highly suitable replacement. Yours sincerely, Rev. H. Clapper RESCUE MISSION 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 [Sigh] I never get to use taglines any more (lousy editor), so I guess I'll donate my collection to the world out there... Mary had a little RAM -- only about a MEG or so. Back up my hard disk? I can't find the reverse switch! "Yield to temptation, it may not pass your way again." - L. Long "42? 7 and a half million years and all you can come up with is 42?!" RAM DISK is NOT an installation procedure! DOS never says "EXCELLENT command or filename"... If it wasn't for C, we would be using BASI, PASAL and OBOL! If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. Take my advice, I don't use it anyway. Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your taglines! A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. "Milhouse, we live in the age of cooties!" - Bart Simpson Illiterate? Write for free help... Religion without science is blind... --Einstein Its is its possession. It's is it is. Is its use clear? It's clear to me! Penguins: The headwaiters of the Antarctic. Alcoholic mathematicians drink and derive. Not breaking the rules-just testing the elasticity. Trust me, would I lie to you..... TWICE? I didn't believe in reincarnation the last time, either. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit We all live in a yellow subroutine Between two evils, I always pick the one I haven't tried If you're too old to learn, you were born so. If it works don't fix it Skeptics are seldom deceived. Old MacDonald had a computer with EIA I/O. The best vitamin for developing friends is B1 Well... it seemed like a good idea while I was posting it. My best feature? I would say my overwhelming humility... Only those who attempt the absurd achieve the impossible. You're only young once, but you shouldn't be immature indefinately. We like young people because they have all the answers. Many of the younger generation are alike in many disrespects When you're in trouble and your knees knock, kneel on them. "Did ya put the cat out?" "I didn't know it was burning" When going ice skating, never judge a brook by it's cover "I drank WHAT!?" - Socrates I am not a complete idiot, several parts are missing! Don't take life too seriously, it's not permanent. On this BBS, we recycle all of our bytes, bit by bit. A naked man fears no pickpocket! REALITY.SYS corrupted. Reboot Universe (Y/n)? In plumbing, a straight flush is better than a full house. "Is that seat saved?" ... "No, but we are praying for it!" Hey! Don't pick up that pho+>+Abe+++f NO CARRIER ... Windows 3.1 - So many bugs you could open a bait shop. AAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse (A)bort, (R)etry, (P)retend this never happened . . . Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. The Duracel bunny was arrested and is being charged with battery. Time flies like knives, fruit flies like bananas. Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic! Conan, look out for the quicksan@9+~~ NO WARRIOR Iraq's national bird: DUCK!!!!! Backup not found: I might as well kill myself now... To err is human, but it takes a computer to thoroughly foul things up! All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound? Please cut my pizza in six slices - I can't eat eight. The worst thing about censorship is 栢栢栢栢栢 Dangerous exercise: Jumping to conclusions. Lunatic asylum: where optimism most flourishes. I repeat! Help stamp out, remove, and eliminate repetitive redundancy! Radical: Anyone whose opinion differs from ours. No, I'm from Cape Town. I only work in Outer Space. How can I be VAIN if I'm PERFECT ?!? It has been discovered: research causes cancer in rats. I'll be Bach - Johann Sebastian Schwarzenegger. If I complimented your body, would you hold it against me? OS/2 Virus Scan : "Windows found" Remove it ? (Y,y) NEWSFLASH: Kellogg's is victim to Johannesburg Cereal killer! Bad spellers of the world, untie! Don't keep the faith - spread it around! "DOS=HIGH" Hmm, I knew it was on something... Basic programmers never die, they gosub and never return. A closed mouth gathers no feet When all else fails, open the manual and read it! I always thought OOP was something you did backwards. Virus Michelangelo [mich] detecte dans le secteur boot. 2B|!2B - that is the question Poetry isn't obscene . . . it's per verse. The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. That tagline is TRUE -> <- That tagline is FALSE Real programmers program with: COPY CON PROGNAME.EXE WINDOWS 95 - By the people who brought you EDLIN! When in danger, when in doubt, run in circles, yell & shout!! Docs? Why would I want to look at the docs? Nurses are much better! She won't last forever, so why give her a diamond? I used to be an atheist, but gave it up: No holidays! I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died. Pieces of Nine! Pieces of Nine! Parroty Error... "I think not", said Descartes - and promptly disappeared Have you seen my mind? It wandered again... Bring home the bacon? HECK! I brought the PIG! Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage. Opportunity only knocks, while temptation kicks the door in. In God we trust - all others pay cash. LSD will make your mono screen display 16.7 million colours! Are you running Windows or is that just an XT? Why do mountaineers rope together? To stop sensible ones going home. In the new SA, whites will really have to bend over blackwards. Infuriate the media. Think for yourself. Black holes result from God dividing by zero. 5 out of 4 people have trouble with fractions. New restaurant on the moon. Great food, no atmosphere. Keep death off the roads - drive on the pavement. Lawyers: The larval form of politicians. Dammit Jim! I'm a doctor, not a tagline writer! TELEGRAM: "Aunti Em. Hate Kansas. Hate you. Took dog."- Dorothy. Unable to locate Coffee -- Operator Halted! But, officer, I was only going ONE way! Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due. This tagline is umop apisdn Very funny, Scotty. Now, BEAM DOWN MY CLOTHES!!! Trust in Allah, but tie up your camel. "Western Civilization? I think it would be a good idea..." - Ghandi Avoid the end of the year rush - fail your exams now! Autopsy is a dying art The days of good English has went 8 out of 10 people write with pencils. What do the other 2 do with it? If you're feeling run down, take the car's number. Earn cash in your spare time: Blackmail your friends. Do not adjust your mind, there is a fault in reality. "Data! I thought you were dead!" "No, Sir. I rebooted." A fate worse than death: To be married alive. "Looting" in the New SA will be known as "Affirmative Shopping". How to tell who's a blind guy in a nudist colony? It's not hard. I'd be a narcissist, but I'm WAY too ugly. Fer sail cheep: IBM Spell chekker, wurks grate.... Two rules for success: 1) Don't tell people everything you know. Expert - anyone from out of town. "There is strength in numbers. There is hope in One" - Petra Seen on a Beetle: "I may be slow but I'm ahead of you" "Million-to-one chances crop out 9 times out of 10" - Ms G. Weatherwax If I owned Hell and Jo'burg I'd rent out Jo'burg and live in Hell Schrodinger rules the waves Love thy neighbor, but make sure thy husband is away first! "I'm just very selective about the reality I accept" - Calvin Sold! To the lady with her husband's hand over her mouth! Let's see your tagline hunting permit, sir. Vuja De - The Feeling You've Never Been Here Confucius say: "Man who smoke pot choke on handle." BACKTRACK: Satan oscillate my metallic sonatas. I aint broke, but I'm badly bent. Atheism is a non-prophet organization I passed my ethics course. I cheated, of course. He who throws mud loses ground. What if there were no hypothetical situations? {$I TAGLINE} May all your PUSHes by POPed Welcome to Hell! Here's your copy of Windows! History is a set of lies agreed upon. Sanity: (n) san'i-tee; the last refuge for the unimaginative. I can see clearly now, the brain is gone... Data error. (A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with a hammer? What do you do if you see a space man? Park in it, man! Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about This is a demonstrative pronoun. "640K ought to be more than enough for anybody" - IBM, 1981 ar'te-ry (n) The study of paintings ba'ri-um (v) What doctors do when patients die di-late' (v) To live longer node' (pp) Was aware of ter'mi-nal ill'ness (fixed exp.) Getting sick at the airport Windws is ine for bckgroun comnicaions - Bll Gats, 192 Practise safe government: Use kingdoms! I just took an IQ test. The results were negative. Statisticians probably do it. Did you know that 79.6% of all statistics are made up? Quick, call a witch doctor!! My wife is sick! Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. Played poker with Tarot cards. Got a flush. 5 people died. Sure, when... OINK FLAP, OINK FLAP... A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. Power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat, though. Took an hour to bury my cat today. Damned thing wouldn't hold still! Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. And lead us not into tempation - we'll find it ourselves... BAR CHART: A list of places to go to after dinner. CHARACTER DENSITY: The number of very weird people in your office. COMPILE: A heap of decomposed vegetable matter. CURSOR: An expert in the use of four-letter words. DEBUG: The act of placing shoe leather against an insect MEGAHERTZ: A very large car rental company. NETWORK: The occupation of a fisherman. SEMI-CONDUCTOR: Leader of an orchestra not yet fully qualified. Only XT users know that January 1, 1980 was a Tuesday! Ever wonder how deep the ocean would be if sponges didn't live in it? Put on your seatbelt, I want to try something... 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 KM> I was makin' love to my boy friend Ernie the other day an' he says to KM> me,"Soph', ya got no tits and a tight box." An' I said,"Ernie. Get KM> off my back." I was out in the woods last night with my boyfriend Ernie, and he said to me, "Soph, it sure is dark out here!" So I said to him, "You're telling me Ernie? You've been munching grass for the past ten minutes!" The other day my neighbor Josie said to me, "Soph, how come you never get caught in the rain when you hang out your wash, like the rest of us do?" So I said to her, "Jo, I got a fool-proof system. When I wake up in the morning, I look over at my boyfriend Ernie. If it's layin' to the right, I know it's gonna be a sunny day. If it's layin' to the left, I know it's gonna rain." So Josie said, "What if it's standin' straight up in the middle?" "Hell, who wants to do wash on a day like that?" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Men Who Use Computers Are The New Sex Symbols Of The `90s by Scott Adams I get about 100 e-mail messages a day from readers of my comic strip "Dilbert." Most are from disgruntled office workers, psychopaths, stalkers, comic-strip fans -- that sort of person. But a growing number are from women who write to say they think Dilbert is sexy. Some say they've already married a Dilbert and couldn't be happier. If you're not familiar with Dilbert, he's an electrical engineer who spends most of his time with his computer. He's a nice guy but not exactly Kevin Costner. Okay, Dilbert is polite, honest, employed and educated. And he stays home. These are good traits, but they don't exactly explain the incredible sex appeal. So what's the attraction? I think it's a Darwinian thing. We're attracted to the people who have the best ability to survive and thrive. In the old days it was important to be able to run down an antelope and kill it with a single blow to the forehead. But that skill is becoming less important every year. Now all that matters is if you can install your own Ethernet card with having to call tech support and confess your inadequacies to a stranger whose best career option is to work in tech support. It's obvious that the world has three distinct classes of people, each with its own evolutionary destiny: Knowledgeable computer users who will evolve into godlike non-corporeal beings who rule the universe (except for those who work in tech support). Computer owners who try to pass as knowledgeable but secretly use hand calculators to add totals to their Excel spreadsheets. This group will gravitate toward jobs as high school principals and operators of pet crematoriums. Eventually they will become extinct. Non-computer users who will grow tails, sit in zoos and fling dung at tourists. Obviously, if you're a woman and you're trying to decide which evolutionary track you want your offspring to take, you don't want to put them on the luge ride to the dung-flinging Olympics. You want a real man. You want a knowledgeable computer user with evolution potential. And women prefer men who listen. Computer users are excellent listeners because they can look at you for long periods of time without saying anything. Granted, early in a relationship it's better if the guy actually talks. But men use up all the stories they'll ever have after six months. If a woman marries a guy who's in, let's say, retail sales, she'll get repeat stories starting in the seventh month and lasting forever. Marry an engineer and she gets a great listener for the next 70 years. Plus, with the ozone layer evaporating, it's a good strategy to mate with somebody who has an indoor hobby. Outdoorsy men are applying suntan lotion with SPF 10,000 and yet by the age of 30 they still look like dried chili peppers in pants. Compare that with the healthy glow of a man who spends 12 hours a day in front of a video screen. It's also well established that computer users are better lovers. I know because I heard an actual anecdote from someone who knew a woman who married a computer user and they reportedly had sex many times. I realize this isn't statistically valid, but you have to admit it's the most persuasive thing I've written so far. If you still doubt the sexiness of male PC users, consider their hair. They tend to have either: (1) male pattern baldness -- a sign of elevated testosterone -- or (2) unkempt jungle hair -- the kind you see only on people who just finished a frenzied bout of lovemaking. If this were a trial I think we could reach a verdict on the strong circumstantial evidence alone. I realize there are a lot of skeptics out there. They'll delight in pointing out the number of computer users who wear wrist braces and suggest it isn't the repetitive use of the keyboard that causes the problem. That's okay. Someday those skeptics will be flinging dung at tourists. Then who'll be laughing? (Answer to rhetorical question: everybody but the tourists.) Henry Kissinger said power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. And Bill Clinton said that knowledge is power. Therefore, logically, according to the U.S. government, knowledge of computers is the ultimate aphrodisiac. You could argue with me - I'm just a cartoonist - but it's hard to argue with the government. Remember, they run the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two about satisfying women. You might think this was enough to convince anyone that men who use computers are sexy. But look at it from my point of view: I'm getting paid by the word for this article. I'm not done yet. In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks. Technology has replaced hot cars as the new symbol of robust manhood. Men know that unless they get a digital line to the Internet no woman is going to look at them twice. It's getting worse. Soon anyone who's not on the World Wide Web will qualify for a government subsidy for the home-pageless. And nobody likes a man who takes money from the government, except maybe Marilyn Monroe, which is why the CIA killed her. And if you think that's stupid, I've got 100 words to go. Finally, there's the issue of mood lighting. Nothing looks sexier than a man in boxer shorts illuminated only by a 15-inch SVGA monitor. If we agree that this is every woman's dream scenario, then I think we can also agree that it's best if the guy knows how to use the computer. Otherwise, he'll just look like a loser sitting in front of a PC in his underwear. In summary, it's not that I think non-PC users are less attractive. It's just that I'm sure they won't read this article. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴