컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 栢� 栢� 栢芳 栢芳 栢栢芳 栢� 栢� 栢栢栢� 栢栢栢芳 栢� 栢� 栢栢� 栢栢� 栢�袴栢� 栢� 栢� 栢�谷栢芳 栢�袴袴� 栢栢栢舫 栢栢芳 栢�栢栢�栢� 栢栢栢舫 栢� 栢� 栢붜排栢� 栢栢栢芳 栢�袴栢� 훤袴暠 栢뵌栢�송舫 栢�袴栢� 栢� 栢� 栢栢�송舫 훤袴谷舫 栢� 栢� 栢� 훤� 栢� 栢� 栢� 栢� 栢栢栢芳 휩栢栢排� 栢栢栢舫 훤� 훤� 훤� 훤� 훤� 훤� 훤� 훤袴袴暠 훤袴袴� 훤袴袴暠 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Q. What do you do if you cannot get a yank into his coffin? A. Give him an enema and bury him in a shoebox. Q. How can you tell when a plane load of Poms lands at Sydney airport? A. When they turn off the engines you can still hear the whining. Q. What do you do when your dishwasher breaks? A. Kick her and tell her to get back to work. Q. Why did the woman cross the road? A. Who cares, she shouldn't be out of the kitchen anyway. Q. Why do women have legs? A. a) to get from the kitchen to the bedroom. b) to keep mens ears warm. Q. How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. Two. one to deal with the bulb... and one to SUCK MY DICK! Q. What do 10,000 battered women have in common? A. They don't fucking listen. � Area: Alt.Tasteless.Jokes [UseNet] 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Three nuns died and went to heaven, upon meeting with St Peter, each was told they would receive one final wish for all of eternity. The first Nun thought and finally exclaimed, " I've always wanted to be a famous sport's car driver", in an instance, she was behind the wheel of a Ferarri, racing the Indy 500 of eternity. The second nun knew exactly what she wanted, she exclaimed, "I've always wanted to be a famous ballerina, poof she had toe shoes and she danced off to eternity. Finally, St Peter asked the last Nun, what she desired, she repled that she'd always wanted to live the life of Sara Pipelini...., St. Peter was confused, no person by the name of Sara Pipelini had ever passed through the Pearly gates. The nun pulled out a tattered newspaper clipping. St. Peter shook his head in disbelief," No dear, that was the Sahara Pipeline that was laid by three thousand men" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 What's the best thing about fucking a two year-old girl? 1. Hearing her pelvis crack. 2. Pretending she's 1. 3. Babysitting money when her parents get home 4. Rolling her over and pretending she's a 2 y.o. boy 5. The clean smell. 6. Not having to worry about an attachment. 7. No condoms. 8. All the cool toys you get to take home when you're done. 9. Feeling your dick on the other side of the soft spot on her head. 10. Moving it to her mouth and telling her it's a pacifier. 11. Having a little bald pussy. And, while we're at it, what's the _worst_ thing about fucking a 2 y.o. girl? 1. Washing the blood off your clown suit 2. When she says, "I've had better..." 3. Burying the body afterwards. 4. Having to explain to her parents why the diapers are bloody. 5. When she shits on your dick. 6. Cleaning off the cum stains. 7. Having to make her *burp* afterwards. 8. Convincing her parents the crunchy things on her face are from the milk. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Uncle Hitler: Ahh... sprring... How beautiful is sprring! I'm feeling so happy tuday! Oooh... What a beautiful jewish girrl... How old arre you, beautiful jewish girrl? Beautiful jewish girl: I'll be ten next month. Uncle Hitler: No, you'rre no-ot... One day the German economy was a real mess, the re-unification was tearing the country apart, inflation reached an astonishing 1.1% and the country had run out of beer. After much agonizing the Krauts decide that the only person who can pull the country together again is good old Adolf H. After much searching, the Bundesnachrichtendienst (with a little help from MOSSAD) manages to find Hitler, living in Paraguay. Helmut Kohl flies over, meets the Fuehrer, explains the situation and asks Hitler to come back and sort things out. "Alright," said Hitler, "but this time ... ... no more Mister Nice Guy." ******************************************************************** Electrical Engineering Purity Test, Version 1.0 (c)1994 Nabeel Ibrahim You may distribute this freely, but please leave the headers intact. This test consists of 50 yes/no questions to test your Electrical Engineering Purity. You score 1 point for each "Yes" and 0 points for each "No," except where noted. ____110001 \ Total Score = > your score for question k /___ k=0 (that's a summation symbol) MAIL ANY COMMENTS/SUGGESTIONS TO: ibrahim[at]leland.stanford.edu 0 Have you ever discharged a capacitor? 1 Done 0 twice in one day? 10 Done 0 with your tongue? 11 Have you ever doped silicon? 100 Done 11 with someone else? 101 Done 11 with two or more people? 110 Done 11 with someone without knowing their name? 111 Have you ever tweaked a resistor? (oh, that's so sexy...) 1000 Have you ever blown up an electrolytic capacitor? 1001 Done 1000 while an animal watched? 1010 Have you ever fondled a 10K resistor? 1011 Have you ever derived an equation? 1100 Done 1011 with a member of the opposite sex? 1101 Have you ever worn a pocket protector? 1110 Have you ever checked your email more than 10 times in one day? 1111 Done 1110 for one week straight? 10000 Have you ever made a joke about transistors? 10001 Have you ever laughed at a joke about transistors? (this one is worth 3 points) 10010 Have you ever wondered how the circuitry would work in that liquid metal guy in T2? 10011 Have you ever used Ohm's Law to excess? 10100 Done 10011 while someone of the opposite sex watched? 10101 Done 10011 with a large ungulate (hooved animal)? 10110 (Guys only) Have you ever counted the number of females in one of your EE classes so you could gain sympathy from friends in Liberal Arts? 10111 Do you speak in assembly? 11000 Has your skin color changed as a result of spending too much time in front of a terminal? (That green tone really works for me...) 11001 Have you ever had a serious discussion with someone about whether CISC is better than RISC? 11010 Have you ever used :-) to excess? 11011 Have you ever had to explain :-) to a friend? 11100 Have Fourier, LaPlace, or Maxwell ever visited you in a dream? (This one is worth 20 points. You *should* not, under any circumstances, fantasize about EE!) 11101 Have you ever read "The Sex Life of an Electron"? 11110 Can you rapidly count to 100d in binary? 11111 Do you have more than 5 computer accounts? 100000 Do you have more than 10 computer accounts? (Geek!) 100001 Have you ever laughed at a Liberal Arts major because they couldn't find a job? (You should...it's really fun) 100010 Are you addicted to reverse polish(HP) notation? 100011 Have you ever slept with your significant other (girlfriend/boyfriend) on the floor of a computer lab? 100100 Have you ever been in a relationship with someone you met through email or a newsgroup? 100101 Have you ever been turned on by a transistor? 100110 Have you ever turned on a transistor? 100111 Have you ever measured ground bounce? 101000 Done 100111 with an inanimate object? 101001 Done 100111 with a cadaver? 101010 Have you ever faked a bias point? (Have you no shame?!?!?) 101011 Have you ever had an intimate encounter with a voltage supply? 101100 Have you ever watched while someone else had an intimate encounter with a voltage supply? 101101 Have you ever probed a circuit? 101110 Done 101101 with other people watching? 101111 Done 101101 more than five times in one day? 110000 Done 101101 without protection? (You should really wear a ground strap!) 110001 Did you laugh while taking this quiz? (This one should be worth 30, but it's only worth 2) Scoring Scale: 00-15 points ==> Go back to your English class. 15-25 points ==> Either you have a life or you are an underclassman/woman. 25-35 points ==> You can feel your life slipping through your fingers as you get sucked into the world of Electrical Engineering. It could be worse...you could be in CS. 35-45 points ==> You should definitely go to grad school in EE. 45-72 points ==> You are a lost cause. You're the EE equivalent of Carl Sagan. Please do not contact me...ever. Note: Please send me your score, as I am trying to accumulate enough data to do a statistical analysis...seriously!! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 From: feyeras[at]chemie.uni-hamburg.de (Sven Feyerabend) Subject: Black hole sun, won큧 you come... alt.destroy.the.earth Organization: Uni Hamburg What about this old idea: If two black holes collide, their masses will be transformed into energy at a rate of about 30 % (so astrophysicians tell us). An artificial black hole with a mass of several hundred thousand tons could possibly be synthesized by two big railguns in space which would shoot together asteroids. Two black holes of this type then would be dropped onto earth. Meeting in the center of the planet, the resulting explosion would tear everything into VERY little pieces.The same procedure could be applied to a sun in order to change it to a nova (or supernova). 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 These two guys are sitting on a train peacefully. The one is Jewish, the other Chinese. The Jewish guy says to the Chinese guy, "So, where are you from?" And the Chinese guy answers, "Peking". On hearing this, the Jewish guy gets up, takes the Chinese guy and beats the living daylights out of him, broken nose and black eyes included! After regaining his breath, the Chinese guy asks, "What was THAT for?!?" The Jewish guy says, "THAT was for Pearl Harbour!" To which the Chinese guy replies, "But I'm CHINESE! The JAPANESE bombed Pearl Harbour!" "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference!" Says the Jewish guy. The Chinese guy says: "Oh yeah, well what religion are you?" So the Jewish guys says: "I'm Jewish." The Chinese guy, on hearing this, beats the hell out of the Jewish guy. When the Jewish guy catches his breath, he says:" What was THAT for??!" "THAT was for sinking the Titanic!" The chinese guys replies. To which the Jewish guy says: "But the Jews didn't sink the Titanic! An ICEBERG sunk the Titanic!" The chinese guy replies: "Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference!" ... Friends don't let friends use Windows... 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Basic Electrical Exam 1. What color is a green ground screw?_______________ 2. When hooking up a 200 volt heater, you must use 220 volt wire. True_______ False_______ 3. Electricity will leak out of pipes if they are not connected with rain tight fittings. True_______ False_______ 4. To trip a breaker, you must stick your foot out as it walks by. True_______ False_______ 5. When dealing with conduit, the O.D. must exceed the I.D. or the hole will be on the outside. True_______ False_______ 6. A keyless fixture cannot be unlocked. True_______ False_______ 7. A circuit breaker that reads 20 on the handle means it can only trip 20 times before it is worn out. True_______ False_______ 8. If you plug something marked 110 volts in a 120 volt outlet, 10 volts will leak out and make a mess. True_______ False_______ 9. The gauge of wire tells you how many plugs you can hook into it. True_______ False_______ 10. When pulling two 4/0 wires in a 1/2" PVC conduit, the PVC stands for " Pipe Very Crowded ". True_______ False_______ 11. An OHM is a Hindu measurement of voltage. True_______ False_______ 12. A flush mounted deice may only be hooked up to a toilet. True_______ False_______ 13. Electrical Inspectors are also known as _______________________. 14. Service entrance conductors purchased from an electrical parts house with current already in them are very dangerous to install. True_______ False_______ 15. High voltage wire is used in the upper levels of tall buildings, whereas low voltage wire is usually found in basements or underground. True_______ False_______ 16. If you have a molded case circuit breaker, the mold can be washed off with warm soapy water. True_______ False_______ 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Lonely? Work On Your Own? Having trouble filling your day? Hate making decisions? WHY NOT HOLD A MEETING? You get to meet other people; Sleep in peace; Offload decisions; Feel important and impress (or bore) your colleagues. AND ALL IN WORK TIME!! MEETINGS The Practical Alternative to Work 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Well, I worked as an HVACR tech in the Engineering Department at a hospital in Tempe, Arizona, for five years. The funniest thing I can remember happening is when a guy and his boyfriend came into the emergency room one night. The "gentleman" was there because he had "somehow" gotten a CROQUET BALL (yes, croquet ball!) wedged up his @$$. I don't remember how many O.R. nurses they called (this happened second shift at a small hospital, only 140 beds and no full-time type staff to handle this stuff) before they got enough of them who could come in and work WITHOUT LAUGHING. The whole time he was in surgery, his boyfriend was pacing wildly up and down the corridors crying that his lover was gonna die. For years, all you had to say at the hospital was "Croquet ball" to get someone cracking up! Another time - Everyone knows that hospitals have codes to describe events that you probably wouldn't wanna broadcast to everyone in English - for example, we had "Code 1000" for a patient who had coded; you would hear, "Code 1000, room 202" instead of "The patient in 202 has just died." The code # would alert the proper people. Fire was "Code 5000". One day a new nurse was working when a patient's heart stopped. She picked up the phone and stated, "Code 5000, room 312." The operator broadcast that information, and moments later about 40 people ran to the room of the coded patient carrying FIRE EXTINGUISHERS! A month or so later, they changed to the less confusing "Code Blue" and "Code Red." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Forwarded (from: ALT.SEX.BESTIALITY) by Peter Sheldon using timEd. Originally from Dakidd[at]cris.com to All. Original dated: Mar 04 '95, 11:04 A farmer goes to his local farm equipment store and tells the salesman he wants to buy a milking machine. "Certainly, sir. Right this way," says the salesman. "How many cows will you be milking?" "Just one," says the farmer. "Oh," says the salesman. "Well, sir, I really wouldn't recommend a milking machine for only one cow. You could milk three cows by hand in the time it would take you to set up the machine and clean it afterwards." "I said I want a milking machine. Now, are you going to sell me one, or not?" the farmer replies indignantly. "Well, sure, I'll sell you one if that's what you want. Just making sure, that's all," says the salesman. The salesman shows the farmer the milking machines and the farmer picks one out, after reiterating to the salesman that, yes, he really does want the machine even though he only has one cow. After he's rung up the sale, the salesman's curiosity gets the best of him. "Sir, if you don't mind my asking, why are you so insistent on buying this milking machine even after all I've said?" "Well," says the farmer, "I got a new cow a couple of weeks ago. The first time I tried to milk her, I tried from the left side and she put her left foot in the bucket. The next day, I tried milking her from the right side and she put her right foot in the bucket. Then the next day, I tried milking her from behind and she put her tail in the bucket. The next day, being fed up, I tied her left leg to the left side of the barn, her right leg to the right side of the barn, and her tail to the rafter. Now if you can convince my wife that all I wanted to do was milk that cow, I won't need this milking machine." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Three surgeons were sitting around talking about the types of patients they liked to operate on. The first said, "I like to work on Germans; once you open them up, everything is arranged in a neat, orderly, militaristic fashion - it makes things easy." The second said, "I like to operate on Japanese; once you open them up, everything is color-coded, like their electronics. It makes operating easier." The last surgeon said, "I like to operate on lawyers - once you open them up, there's no heart, no guts, no backbone, and there's only two moving parts, the mouth and the anus; and those are interchangeable." Bob was driving home after a day at the construction site. He was driving over the Golden gate bridge at about 90mph. When out in front of him a cop jumped out and radared him. Bob pulls over and the cop walks up to the window and says "Do you know how fast you were going BOY!" Bob replies Uhhh! I guess about 90. "93mph son! 93mph in a 55 zone.""Thats speeding and your getting a ticket and a fine!"The cop has a good look at the guy and says "You don't even look like you have a job!""I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!" Bob responds" I have a job!""I have a good well paying job!" The cop says "What kind of a job what a bum like you have!" Bob responds" My job's a cunt stretcher! The cop says "what did you say BOY!" Bob says" Thats my job! I'm a cunt stretcher" The cops says "What kind of a job is that?" Bob says "Well girls call me up and say they want to be stretched so go over there and start with a couple of fingers then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and farther apart until it's six feet across. Then the cops says "What the hell do you do with a six foot cunt?" Bob replys " You give it a radar detector and stick it on the end of a bridge!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 T'was the night of the King's castration. Counts, No-accounts, and Discounts were sitting around the four corners of the Round Table shoot- ing the camel-shit, because in those days bullshit was unheard of. "Balls," cried the Queen, "If I had two, I'd be King!" The King laughed, not because he had to, but because he had had two. Up rode David on his white stud-charger. Up strode the King in his dia- mond-studded jock strap. "Where's the Princess," asked David. "In bed with dyptheria," replied the King. "What?" cried David, "Is that Greek bastard here again?" For his insolence, David was thrown into the lion's den. Up strode the lion. Up strode David. "Ouch, that tickles," cried David. "What tickles?" asked the lion. "Testacles," said David. For his bravery David was asked to step forth, but slipped on a camel turd and came in fifth. Shit flew at Random, but Random ducked, and it hit the king square in the face. "Shit!!" roared the King. The whole kingdom squatted and groaned. "Where's the Princess?" cried David. "Screw the Princess!!!" roared the King. And 69 thousand loyal subjects were trampled in the rush, be- cause in those days the King's word was LAW. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 The 10 most likely descriptions of my internet girlfriend 1. Bored,16 year old, national merit scholar, who keeps her 4.0 with 2hrs of study a week. She's looking forward to her entry into CalTech next year to begin her course work in Paleo-psychiatry. 2. Detroit, mother of 3, who's husband never quite got the hang of the washing machine let alone her 486. Husband thinks she is writing recipes for with cute little home management software package. 3. "SWFNSDDF 36 YOA, loves trivia games, long walks, candle light dinners, allergic to cats, looking for a good SDWHBMNSDDF 35-45, not too tall, who at least wants to be friends, and has direct access to the Internet" 4. 26 years old, never got the hang of social interactions, but thinks the anonymity of the Internet, is a good thing, "You know, you just can't let people get too close. First thing they do is come into your life and change things around. Don't mess with my schedule, my emotions, or my stuff." 5. Trekky, RenFair follower, who not only has a helm and breastplate but has the first 200 StarTrek episodes on video tape. Slightly overweight but fills out the part of the Rat Killer's girl friend and wench at the Colorado Renaissance Fair. Programmer at the National Weather Bureau, Boulder. 6. Has worked at the Bureau of Labor Statistics for 17 years, commutes to Bethesda with her laptop writting to pass the time. Lives near her folks and has finally reached an age where she no longer has to explain to them why she has not married a doctor. Loves single malt Scotch, Oban and Abaloure are her favorites. 7. Massage Therapist, who got a computer because her boyfriend said she could keep her records on it only to find it was too much trouble. Dropped the guy, and met up with a woman who trades massages for car repairs. Got connected to Compuserve on a promotional and found she enjoys NetSurfing. Now lives with her mechanic and laughs a lot. 8. 41, college professor, married to a lawyer, and has nothing to talk about with her husband any more. Too tired and set to leave and too proud to say it was a mistake. 9. Dancer, oh, she has a day job, something to do with chemistry at OSU, but she is a dancer. She will be going to Elkin's for Contra Dance Week for her 10th year this summer. Has been taking fiddle lessons and plays with the Ohio Valley ContraBand every 3rd Saturday at the KofC Hall. Still looking for Mr. Right, but he has got to be a dancer. 10. Somewhere on Alaska's Inside Passage, her boat "The Hacker" floats at the dock of a small harbor. 47' single mast, she has 37,000 nautical miles under her keel. This time of year you can only hang below decks, keep the stove hot for tea and continue the never-ending repairs a boat requires. "Come Spring its South again," she writes. "For two years, Alaska has been a fun time of fjords and whales, friends visiting and long loving motorings up the channels. But, sailing, thats what "The Hacker" was designed for. Get to the South, get outside, to where the wind gets in your hair and up your shirt, the sea takes you to her bosom and says, 'I am not dangerous, only unforgiving'. It's good to have a job that requires only brains, time, no distractions, and a Short Wave Modem." She puts down her mouse, picks up her concertina, and begins to sing the last verse of Fiddler's Green, "I don't need a harp, not a halo, not me. Just give me a breeze and a good rolling sea. And I'll play my old squeeze box as we roll along, with the wind in the riggin' to sing me a song." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 "Little Johnny" was in class, one day. The girl in the seat behind him reported to the teacher that there was a puddle of water around Johnny's seat. "Johnny, did you have an accident?" asked the teacher. "No," said Johnny, "but it's awfully hot back here, and I've been sweating a lot. Could you open a window?" The next day, the same exchange took place, and the same conclusion was reached, and the window was opened again. The third day, the girl reported to the teacher, rather urgently, "Teacher, Johnny has his sweater out again!" The Definition of the 90's Woman.... She Works 90 hours a week. She makes $90,000 a year. She believes F..king & Cooking are cities in China. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Boot camp. Duluth, Minnesota. February. Six A.M. Six below zero. The Sergent bellows "Outta those bunks! Birthday suit inspection! I want you (deleted) to fall in outside, NOW! Buck nekkid! Stand close enough to make the man in front of you smile! MOVE, YOU #@$&*s!" The barracks quickly empty, the men fall in and shiver at attention. The Sergent hollers "LOOSEN RANKS!" The ranks separate a bit. The Captain approaches, carrying a swagger stick. With the stick, he swats one of the men across the chest. "Did that hurt, Mister?" the Captain demands. "No, SIR!" the recruit shouts. "Why not?" barks the Captain. "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!" The Captain nods, and moves on down the front rank a bit. He whacks another man across the butt. "Did that hurt, Mister?" "No, SIR!" "Why not?" "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!" Satisfied, the Captain continues on down the rank. He notices that one of the men is sporting a huge erection, and brings his stick down sharply on the proffered target. "Did that hurt, Mister?" "No, SIR!" "Why not?" "Because it belongs to the fellow behind me, SIR!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 If you sleep with your wife, that's LEGAL AND GENERAL If you sleep with someone else's wife, that's MUTUAL AND FEDERAL If you sleep with your gilfriend, that's MUTUAL TRUST If you sleep with your mother-in-law, that's OLD MUTUAL If you sleep with a prostitute, that's COMMERCIAL UNION If you sleep with a black, that's AFRICAN LIFE If you sleep with all types, that's GROUP LIFE If you sleep with more than one partner at the same time, that's PRESTASI If your wife allows you to sleep around, that's LIBERTY LIFE ... Took an hour to bury the cat. Damn thing kept moving! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Michigan's Secretary of State is under fire for recalling a ``vanity'' auto license plate that was deemed offensive. The plate reads ``4 RU486'', a reference to the ``French'' abortion-inducing drug. Critics of the action point out that other vanity plates which could be considered offensive, such as CAL-GIRL, GSPOT, HORNY, HUMP, I124Q, JUGS and NADS, have not been recalled. Then there's Theresa Watt; she's had her name on her plate for 20 years: TWATT. A state spokeswoman said that 4 RU486 was recalled under the ``illegal activity or substance'' portion of the license plate law, but the critics retort that neither RU486 nor abortion is illegal. (AP) This woman is in the bath one day when her front doorbell rings. "Damn", she thinks. Opening the bathroom window slightly she shouts down, "Who is it?" The answer comes back up, "It's the blind man from the village." "OK, wait just a minute." She hops out of the bath, quickly towels off most of the water from her body and looks around for her robe... it's not there. "Blast it," she thinks, "where did I leave that?" Then it sinks in. "Of course, if he's blind, it doesn't make any difference." So she skips down the stairs and opens the door. The guy looks her quickly up and down and says, "Nice tits, madam; now, where do you want me to put these blinds?" :-) Ok, these three guys are sitting on a bench in the park. The guy in the middle is sitting, reading a newspaper. The two guys next to him are both sitting and throwing imaginary rods out, pulling in imaginary fish, etc. Another guy in the park sees this and watches with fascination. So he walks up to the middle guy and asks him if he doesn't think that they should get these two obvious nuts out of the park. So the middle guy says ok, puts down his paper and starts rowing. Here is a sign, to print out and display over any electronic machine: BTW: it's written in sort of a german/english mix. Keep that in mind when reading it, or you won't understand. !ACHTUNG! Das electromachinen is nicht fur gerfingerpoken und mittengrabben. Is easy schnappen der springenwork, blowenfusen und poppenkorken mit spittzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen das hands in das pockets. Relaxen und watch das blinken light. Danken. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 108 GOOD REASONS WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN WOMEN 1. You can enjoy a BEER all month. 2. BEER stains wash out. 3. You don't have to wine and dine a BEER. 4. Your BEER will always wait patiently for you in the car. 5. When BEER goes flat you toss it out. 6. BEER is never late. 7. HANGOVERS go away. 8. A BEER doesn't get jealous when you grab another BEER. 9. BEER labels come off without a fight. 10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a BEER. 11. BEER never has a headache. 12. After you have a BEER, the bottle is still worth a dime. 13. A BEER won't get upset if you come home with BEER on your breath. 14. If you pour a BEER right, you will always get good head. 15. You can have more than one BEER a night and not feel guilty. 16. A BEER ALWAYS goes down easy. 17. You can share a BEER with your friends. 18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a BEER. 19. A BEER is always wet. 20. BEER doesn't demand equality. 21. A BEER doesn't care when you come. 22. You can have a BEER in public. 23. A frigid BEER is a good BEER. 24. You don't have to wash a BEER before it tastes good. 25. BEER always comes in multiples of six. 26. BEER doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left. 27. You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a BEER. 28. After you have a BEER, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle. 29. A BEER never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirst 30. When your BEER is gone, you just pop another. 31. You rarely (if ever) find BEER labels on the shower curtain rod. 32. BEER looks the same in the morning. 33. BEER doesn't look you up in a month. 34. BEER doesn't worry about someone walking in. 35. BEER doesn't worry about waking the kids. 36. BEER doesn't get cramps. 37. BEER doesn't have a mother. 38. BEER doesn't have morals. 39. BEER doesn't go crazy once a month. 40. BEER always listens and never argues. 41. BEER labels don't go out of style every year. 42. BEER doesn't whine, it bubbles. 43. BEER doesn't have cold hands/feet. 44. BEER doesn't demand legality. 45. BEER is never overweight. 46. If you change BEERs, you don't have to pay alimony. 47. BEER won't run off with your credit cards. 48. BEER doesn't have a lawyer. 49. BEER doesn't need much closet space. 50. BEER can't give your herpes or other nasty things. 51. BEER doesn't complain about the way you drive. 52. BEER doesn't mind if you fart or belch. 53. BEER never changes its mind. 54. BEER doesn't tease you or play hard to get. 55. BEER never asks you to change the station. 56. BEER doesn't make you go shopping. 57. BEER doesn't tell you to mow the grass. 58. BEER doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks. 59. BEER is always easy to pick up. 60. Big, fat BEERs are nice to have. 61. BEER doesn't pout or play games. 62. BEER NEVER says no. 63. BEER is easy to get into. 64. BEER never complains when you take it somewhere. 65. BEER doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other BEERs 66. BEER doesn't wear a bra. 67. BEER doesn't mind getting dirty. 68. BEER doesn't complain about insensitivity. 69. BEER doesn't use up your toilet paper. 70. BEER doesn't live with its mother. 71. BEER doesn't blow you off. 72. BEER doesn't care if you have no culture or manners. 73. BEER doesn't bitch, yell, or cry. 74. BEER doesn't mind football season. 75. A BEER won't make you go to church. 76. A BEER is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman. 77. A BEER doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit. 78. A BEER doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose". 79. A BEER doesn't give a fuck if you keep a bunch of other BEERs around. 80. A BEER will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials wit babies are "cute". 81. If a BEER leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while. 82. A BEER will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of "doberperson". 83. A BEER won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian folk music on your favorite radio station. 84. A BEER won't claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads. 85. A BEER won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up. 86. If you mention a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" around a BEER, it won't think you're talking about an enormous can of vegetable juice. 87. A BEER won't whine that seatbelts hurt. 88. A BEER won't smoke in your car. 89. A BEER won't argue that there's no difference between shooting down an unidentified aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky. 90. A BEER will never buy a car with automatic transmission. 91. A BEER will actually *support* belching and farting and share your enthusiasm for getting them included as demonstration sports in the 1992 Olympics Games in Barcelona. 92. A BEER is always ready to leave on time. 93. A BEER never fishes for compliments. 94. Some BEERs (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits. 95. BEER tastes *good*. 96. If you take a BEER outta the fridge just to look at it but then decide to drink it, the BEER won't accuse you of "date rape". 97. A BEER won't raise any objections to an evening of watching "John Holmes' Greatest Hits" on your VCR. 98. An ice-cold BEER will nonetheless let you have your way with it. 99. A BEER won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the grocery store. 100. A BEER won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Penthouse "just for the articles". (You *are* lying, but the BEER won't accuse you of it. 101. A BEER won't worry that you'll go to jail if you videotape a Giants game without the expressed, written consent of the National Football League. 102. A BEER won't fill up your car with cheesy 85-octane gas with the excuse: "But I saved a quarter!" 103. A BEER will *never* make you go to a Swedish movie. 104. A BEER will *never* make you turn off "Fists of Fury Theater" on channel on Saturday afternoons. 105. A BEER won't accuse you of being a sexist pig if you say "Gene Hackman" instead of "Gene Hackperson". 106. A BEER won't make you eat some experimental vegetarian meal that tastes like STP Oil Treatment. 107. When you're through with a BEER, the thought of another BEER doesn't make you ill. 108. A BEER doesn't want you to hold it after you've finished. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 English is a Crazy Language Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb thru annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Send shipments by car and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another? Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it. � QMPro 1.53 � What's all this about hell fire and dalmatians? 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 : >If a dog has 546 fleas, and the dog explodes, sending each flea flying : >along a different three-dimensional vector of random direction and of : >magnitude distributed between 10m/s and 100m/s (assume uniform random : >distribution), and one of the fleas starts squawking madly and another : >one says to him, "RADIO!!! RADIO!!!", what color was the dog? : > : > -- K. : Red, of course. Exploding dogs are always red. Wrong, wrong, wrong. You didn't read the question carefully. He asked what color the dog *was*, not what color it now *is*. Ok. We all know that fleas are fearcly territorial creatures. And that in fact each flea requires about 2.4 sq. cm of hide to coexist peacefully with other fleas on the same host. Assuming that the host dog was completely covered with fleas (i.e. had reached maximal flea bearing capacity) at the time of detonation, we can extrapolate the total surface area of the host dog with the formula: A = f * e Where A = total surface area of host dog in square centimeters. f = number of fleas found on host dog. e = "elbow room" in square centimeters required by each flea. Substituting, we have: A = 546 * 2.4 = 1310.4 sq. cm Exploding dog tissue typically has a force of 100 psi/gram in free space (note that this figure assumes no artificial accellerants, such as gun cotton have been introduced into the dog). And a typical flea (Siphonaptera) weighs .4 mg. Knowing that the force required to accellerate an object weighing .4 mg to a terminal velocity in the range of 10m/s to 100m/s is 890 psi, we can again extrapolate the weight of our host dog with the formula: W = s * N * (890 / 100) Where W = weight in miligrams of host dog. s = weight of one Siphonaptera (a flea) N = number of fleas found. Again, substituting, we have: W = .4 * 546 * (89 / 100) = 20784 mg So, we're talking about a dog that weighs about 2 kg, with a surface area of 1310 sq. cm. I know of only one species of dog that matches the above dimentions, and that is one of those funny looking dogs with the loose, wrinkled skin. In my experience, these dogs are always gray in color, so the answer to Kibo's question, without doubt, is gray. Piece of cake. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Top Ten Signs You're an Automation Geek, if... 10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address. 9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?" 8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends you a certified email message. 7. You're amazed to find out that a "Hard Drive" means a bad commute home for most normal folks. 6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you. 5. You search the FOSE, COMNET & FED-MICRO expositions endlessly hoping to get every silly free T-shirt. 4. You introduce your wife as "lady%wife%home@mcnair-emh2.army.mil" and refer to your children as "lost clusters...". 3. At social functions you introduce your spouse as "my domain server". 2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so "colon-right parentheses!" (<- It looks like a smile. ":)" ) ...And the number one sign you are an automation GEEK: 1. You are reading this message on your computer, then you are definitely one....! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A small retailer had been trying for months to collect an overdue bill with no success. As a last resort, he sent a tear-jerking letter, accompanied by a snapshot of his little daughter. Under the picture he wrote: "It is because of this little one that I must have money." A prompt reply enclosed a photograph of a voluptuous blonde with the note: "It is because of this little one that I can't pay." A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died. Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, "I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Vernon. But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the shell...the nut has gone to heaven." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Dan Quaylisms: "I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people." -- J. Danforth Quayle "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- J. Danforth Quayle "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89 "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88 "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89 "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is: 'to be prepared'." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89 "May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world." -- The Quayles' 1989 Christmas card. [Not a beacon of literacy, though.] "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 11/30/88 "We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in the Future." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "The future will be better tomorrow." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/21/88 "People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." -- Vice President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89 "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "Public speaking is very easy." -- Vice President Dan Quayle to reporters in 10/88 "I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/20/92 (reported in Esquire, 8/92) "Murphy Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she still has a job next year." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/18/92 "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/22/90 "For NASA, space is still a high priority." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/5/90 "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/18/90 "The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made." -- Vice President Dan Quayle "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Vice President Dan Quayle 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 De Klerk and Mandela are busy washing the windows on a high rise building when the scaffolding breaks. De Klerk grabs hold of the ledge and Mandela grabs onto his leg. Says De Klerk, "Mandela, let go my leg or we'll both die" Says Mandela, "No way, I'm not letting go, I'll fall to my death" Says De Klerk, "Mandela, tea time!" Says Mandela, "aaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh " Q: What do you call a person with a green ball in each hand? A: Someone in perfect control of the Jolly Green Giant. My grandmother used to tell an old story about a radio broadcast of several years ago during which the audience was asked questions and were given a box of Snickers bars for the answers. One evening during the live broadcast the master of ceremonies started talking to a newlywed couple. He leaned over and asked the woman, "What's the first thing you said on your honeymoon?" The wife thought for a minute and said, "Oh, I can't, that's hard." And the man said, "Give this lady a box of Snickers!" A little boy walked into an ice-cream store wearing a cowboy hat and a pair of six-shooters. He asked the clerk for an ice-cream sundae. The clerk asked, "Do you want your nuts crushed?" The little boy whipped out his guns, pointed them at her, and said, "Do you want your tits shot off?" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones. John was married, and Joe was single. The single brother, Joe, was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat. It happened that John Jones' wife died on the same day that Joe's rowboat filled with water and sank. A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe, and mistaking him for John said: "Oh, Mr. Jones, I'm sorry to hear about your great loss. You must feel terrible." Joe smiled and said: "Well, I'm not a bit sorry! She was rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up, and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I'd ever saw. She had a bad crack, and a pretty big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so I could handle her, but if anyone else used her, she leaked like anything. But what finished her was the four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I would lend her to them. I warned them she wasn't so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once, and it was too much for her. She cracked right up the middle." Before Jones could finish, the old lady had fainted :-) 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION REQUIRED: Find someone who will buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION REQUIRED: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique. SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION REQUIRED: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling. SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION REQUIRED: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation. SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION REQUIRED: Find someone who will buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Floor swaying. FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress. ACTION REQUIRED: Insert broom handle down back of jacket. SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION REQUIRED: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and flourscent light strip across it. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION REQUIRED: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up, lash yourself to bar. SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION REQUIRED: See above. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 MAE WEST QUOTES "Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you." "I've been in more laps than a napkin." Hatcheck girl: "Goodness, that's a beautiful diamond!" Mae West: "Goodness had nothing to do with it...." "Come up and see me sometime when I've nothing but the wireless on." "It's hard to be funny when you have to be clean." "To err is human--but it feels divine." "Between two evils, I always pick the one I haven't tried before." ....."Klondike Annie" (1936) "Two much of a good thing can be wonderful." Diane Arbus, "Mae West: Emotion in Motion" Show (1965) "I used to be Snow White...but I drifted." "He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of." "One figure can sometimes add up to a lot." Mae West (1892-1980) "I've been in Who's Who and I know what's what, but this is the first time I've been in the dictionary." "I always say, keep a diary and some day it'll keep you." "When I'm good, I'm very, very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better." "I feel like a million tonight, but one at a time." "It's not the men in your life who count. It's the life in your men." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Jennings was a Colonel in the Army Reserves and during a summer training tour, took sick and was hospitalized in the officer's ward. At the hospital, he "pulled rank," threw his weight around and generally harassed the staff . One day a G.I. on duty in the hospital dressed himself in the white apparel of a surgeon, hurried into the ward, glanced at the Colonel's chart and ordered the patient to turn on his stomach to receive a rectal thermometer. The G.I. said he had to leave for an urgent case but cautioned the patient not to move until he returned. About a half hour later, a nurse came by and stopped short at the Colonel's bedside. "Colonel," she exclaimed, "what are you doing?" "Why, taking my temperature," he growled, "anything wrong with that?" "But Colonel," the nurse cried, "with a daffodil?" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 How to write well: 1. Avoid alliteration. Always. 2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do. 4. Employ the vernacular. 5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. 6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary. 7. Remember to never split an infinitive. 8. Contractions aren't necessary. 9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos. 10. One should never generalize. 11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." 12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches. 13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous. 14. Be more or less specific. 15. Understatement is always best. 16. One-word sentences? Eliminate. 17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. 18. The passive voice is to be avoided. 19. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms. 20. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed. 21. Who needs rhetorical questions? 22. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. 23. Don't never use a double negation. 24. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point 25. Do not put statements in the negative form. 26. Verbs have to agree with their subjects. 27. Proofread carefully to see if you words out. 28. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. 29. A writer must not shift your point of view. 30. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.) 31. Don't overuse exclamation marks!! 32. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents. 33. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. 34. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is. 35. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors. 36. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. 37. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing. 38. Always pick on the correct idiom. 39. The adverb always follows the verb. 40. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat; seek viable alternatives. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 -From: TLE::DIEWALD "Means, Motive, and Opportunity 14-Jun-1990 0958" Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a king summoned two of his advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with two slots in the top, a control knob, and a lever. "What do you think this is?" One advisor, an engineer, answered first. "It is a toaster," he said. The king asked, "How would you design an embedded computer for it?" The engineer replied, "Using a four-bit microcontroller, I would write a simple program that reads the darkness knob and quantizes its position to one of 16 shades of darkness, from snow white to coal black. The program would use that darkness level as the index to a 16-element table of initial timer values. Then it would turn on the heating elements and start the timer with the initial value selected from the table. At the end of the time delay, it would turn off the heat and pop up the toast. Come back next week, and I'll show you a working prototype." The second advisor, a computer scientist, immediately recognized the danger of such short-sighted thinking. He said, "Toasters don't just turn bread into toast, they are also used to warm frozen waffles. What you see before you is really a breakfast food cooker. As the subjects of your kingdom become more sophisticated, they will demand more capabilities. They will need a breakfast food cooker that can also cook sausage, fry bacon, and make scrambled eggs. A toaster that only makes toast will soon be obsolete. If we don't look to the future, we will have to completely redesign the toaster in just a few years." "With this in mind, we can formulate a more intelligent solution to the problem. First, create a class of breakfast foods. Specialize this class into subclasses: grains, pork, and poultry. The specialization process should be repeated with grains divided into toast, muffins, pancakes, and waffles; pork divided into sausage, links, and bacon; and poultry divided into scrambled eggs, hard-boiled eggs, poached eggs, fried eggs, and various omelet classes." "The ham and cheese omelet class is worth special attention because it must inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy, and poultry classes. Thus, we see that the problem cannot be properly solved without multiple inheritance. At run time, the program must create the proper object and send a message to the object that says, 'Cook yourself.' The semantics of this message depend, of course, on the kind of object, so they have a different meaning to a piece of toast than to scrambled eggs." "Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has revealed that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of breakfast food. In the design phase, we have discovered some derived requirements. Specifically, we need an object-oriented language with multiple inheritance. Of course, users don't want the eggs to get cold while the bacon is frying, so concurrent processing is required, too." "We must not forget the user interface. The lever that lowers the food lacks versatility, and the darkness knob is confusing. Users won't buy the product unless it has a user-friendly, graphical interface. When the breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should see a cowboy boot on the screen. Users click on it, and the message 'Booting UNIX v. 8.3' appears on the screen. (UNIX 8.3 should be out by the time the product gets to the market.) Users can pull down a menu and click on the foods they want to cook." "Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in the design phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware platform for the implementation phase. An Intel 80386 with 8MB of memory, a 30MB hard disk, and a VGA monitor should be sufficient. If you select a multitasking, object oriented language that supports multiple inheritance and has a built-in GUI, writing the program will be a snap. (Imagine the difficulty we would have had if we had foolishly allowed a hardware-first design strategy to lock us into a four-bit microcontroller!)." The king had the computer scientist thrown in the moat, and they all lived happily ever after. "Bones! I'm dying!" "Damn it, Jim, I'm a Doctor, not an... oh, yeah." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 The following is a joke for BRIDGE players from another Net: A woman was applying for a maid's position. When asked why she left her last place of employment, she replies: Yes sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked. They played a game called "Bridge" and last night a lot of folks were there. As I was about to bring in the refreshments, I heard a man say, "Lay down and let's see what you got." Another man said, "I've got strength, but no length." And another man said to the lady, "Take your hand off my trick." I nearly dropped dead when the lady answered, "You forced me....you jumped me when you didn't have the strength for one raise." Another lady was talking about protecting her honor. Two other ladies were talking, and one said, "Now it's time for you to play with my husband, and I will play with yours." Well, I just got my hat and coat, and as I was leaving, I hope to die if one of them didn't say, "Well, I guess we'll go home now. This is the last rubber." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Compendium of JustPlainSilly Newspaper Headlines ------------------------------------------------ Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted Drunk gets nine months in violin case Survivor of siamese twins joins parents Farmer Bill dies in house Iraqi head seeks arms Is there a ring of debris around Uranus? Stud tires out Prostitutes appeal to Pope Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over Soviet virgin lands short of goal again British left waffles on Falkland Islands Lung cancer in women mushrooms Eye drops off shelf Teacher strikes idle kids Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead Squad helps dog bite victim Shot off woman's leg helps nicklaus to 66 Enraged cow injures farmer with ax Plane too close to ground, crash probe told Miners refuse to work after death Juvenile court to try shooting defendant Stolen painting found by tree Two soviet ships collide, one dies 2 sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years Never withhold herpes infection from loved one Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84 War dims hope for peace If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while Cold wave linked to temperatures Man is fatally slain Enfiels couple slain; Police suspect homicide Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A college graduate was being interviewed by a law firm. The interviewer introduces himself and says, "This is going to be a very simple interview. In your opinion, what is one and one?" "Eleven, I think, sir," responded the graduate. "Well, try this one," said the interviewer. "Who shot Lincoln?" The graduate appeared puzzled and said, "I'm not sure." "Well, go home and see if you can find out. Then come back tomorrow." said the interviewer. Upon the graduates return home, his mother asked how the interview went? He said, "It must have gone real well. They told me to come to work tomorrow, and they've already put me on a murder case." Walking down the street, a man passes a house and notices a child trying to reach the doorbell. No matter how much the little guy stretches, he can't make it. The man calls out, "Let me get that for you," and he bounds onto the porch to ring the bell. "Thanks, mister," says the kid. "Now let's run." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 HOW TO KILL AN EEL (A true story) Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curios. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother. Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really HOT. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick.... a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST! anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake! "Anyway", sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by bitting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go... I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and sliped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it. And he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squeeling and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel... I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats.... they have nine lives or something. This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel of the skin and flush it down the toilet. Mother fainted. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 BA> At my local airport, all the doors, including the one leading to the BA> control tower, are also labeled in Braille. AIRCRAFT: CESSNA 172 PILOT: 30 YRS OLD, CFI, IR FATALITIES: None DAMAGE: Substantial WITNESS: Line attendant at *** airport Pilot came to airport at 9 AM 10 July 1982. Line boy reports padlock on his hangar door was so rusted he had to break it of with a 10# ball-peen hammer. Also had to inflate all 3 tires and scrap pigeon droppings off windscreen. After several attempts to drain fuel strainers--pilot finally got what looked like fuel out of the wing sumps. Couldn't get the oil dipstick out of the engine but said it was okay last time he looked. Engine started okay--ran rough for about 1/2 minute. Then died. Then battery would not turn prop. Used battery cart and although starter was smoking real good, it finally started and the prop wash blew the smoke away. Line boy offered to fuel airplane up but pilot said he was late for an appointment at a nearby airport. Said it wasn't far. Taxied about 1/2 way out to active runway and the engine stopped. Pushed it back to the fuel pumps and bought 3 gallons for the left wing tank. Started it again. This time, he was almost out to the runway when it quit again. Put a little rock under nose wheel; hand propped it; and was seen still trying to climb in the airplane as it went across the runway. Finally got in it; blew out the right tire trying to stop before the cement plant. When he taxied back in to have the tire changed, he also had the line boy hit the right wing with 3 gallons of gas. Witness, who saw the takeoff, said the aircraft lined up and took off to the north. Takeoff looked fairly normal--nose came up about 300 ft down the runway. At midfield nose came down. Engine coughed twice--then cut power and applied the brakes which made both doors fly open and a big fat brown book fell out on the runway and released probably a million little white pages with diagrams on them. Looked like sort of a snow storm. After several real loud runups at the end, he turned her around and took off in the other direction going south into the wind. Only this time he horsed her off at the end and pulled her up real steep like one of them jet fighter planes--to about 300 ft--then the engine quit! Did a sort of a slow turn back toward the airport--kinda like that Art School guy--and about 30 ft off the McDonald's cafe she started roaring again. He did sort of a high speed pass down the runway; put the flaps down to full and that sucker went up like he was going to do an Immelman! The engine quit again and he turned right and I thought he was coming right through the front window of the F.B.O.; but he pulled her up--went through the TV antenna and the little rooster with the NSE&W things--over the building then bounced the main wheels off the roof of 3 different cars in the lot--a Porsche, a Mercedes and Dr. Brown's new El Dorado. When he bounced off the El Dorado the engine roared to life and he got her flying. Came around toward the runway and set her down--once on the overrun, once on the runway and once in the grass beside the runway. He taxied into the ramp--shut her down--and ordered 3 more gallons of gas. Said it was for safety's sake. Then he asked where the phone booth was as he had to call his student and tell him he was going to be a little bit late. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 One cold December day, a French tourist in Scotland decided to find out if the natives were as tight as he had heard. He stopped at a farm cottage, told the farmer's wife he was freezing to death, and was invited to come in and warm himself at the hearth. Once inside the house, he complained of being thirsty. The woman handed him an enormous white crockery mug filled with milk. After taking a big swig, the impulsive guest exclaimed, "This is sweet and fresh ... you are most generous!" She replied modestly, "It's nothing. My family wouldn't drink that milk because we found a dead rat in it." Sick to his stomach, the Frenchman clapped both hands over his mouth, allowing the huge mug to fall to the floor and shatter on the stone. The Scotswoman grabbed her broom, raised it high in the air, brought it down on the visitor's head, and hollered, "Get out, you ungrateful pig! I take you in my home, I let you share my fire, I give you milk to drink ... and now you repay my kindness by breaking the children's potty!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 This was sent to me by a fellow SysOp. I thought it was kinda funny: --------------------------------------------------------------------- >1. [Missing, but I assume it's the name. Ed.] >2. What is your sex? I SCR00D A GRIL WUNCE IT WAS AWSUM!!!!!! BUT SHE WUZ BUTT-UGLY SO NO MOR SEX!! XCEP MAYBE MIKEL JAXON BECUZ HE PAYZ 10 MILYUN $$$$!! >3. Describe the Computer System (Hardware) you call BBS's using? C-64 FOREVER!!!!!!!!!111111 AND A MODUM!!!!! I G0T A BLACK & WITE TV NOW BUT MAY-B C0L0R LATR! >4. How much Hard Drive Space do you have? I DONT NEED A HARD DRIV I GOT TOO FL0PPIS!!!! AND I BET U DIDNT NO U CAN CUT A HOLE IN FLOPPIS AND RUN THEM UPSIDE DOWN!!!!! >5. What is your fastest modem speed? What Brand modem? I JUST GOT A NEW 12OO BOD MODUM ITS RELLY RELLY FAST!!!!!!!!!! NOW I CAN D/L WAREZ AND IT DONT TAKE ALL DAY!!!! BUT I HAVE CAN D/L MORE K00L GAMES IN THAT EXTRA TIME!!!11 >6. What City and State, or province, or Part of country are you in? IM IN THE MIDDLE PART!!!!!1111 HA HA HAHA HA!!!! I WONT TELL YOU WERE I LIVE BECUZ U MIGHT TELL THE COPS!!!! >7. What Country? CUNTRY SUX!!!! HEAVY METTAL RULEZ!!! >8. Why do you call BBS's? I TRIED TO TALK TO BBS WITH JUST MY BRANE WAVES BUT IT HURTS TOO MUCH SO I HAV 2 CALL!!!!! AND I CAN D/L MORE GAMEZ WITH CALLING THAN MY BRANE. >9. What terminal software do you use? Name and version? WHATS A S0FTWEAR??????? I SEEN THAT WORD S0FTWEAR WUNCE IN A GAME I D/L IT SAID CRACKED BY D0CTER S0FTWEAR!!!!!!!!!!!! IS TERMAINAL SOFTWEAR A NU NAME 4 DOCTER SOFTWERE??? IT SUX I LIKD HIZ OLD NAME. >10. About how many times do you login in a weeks time? JUST WUNCE AND I STAY LOGG ON ALL DAY! ALL WEEK! I NEVER HANG UP BECAUSE I CAN D/L ALL THE WAREZ! AND EVRY-1 ELSE GETS A BUZY S1GNUL! >11. About how long do you stay on-line each session? TIL DAD F1NDS ME AND MAKES ME HANG UP AND DO H0MWERK! HES A REEL BASTURD I H0PE HE GETS SIFILIS!! >12. What is your favorite BBS's name? BIFFS AWESUM WAREZ SHACK! BUT DONT TELL ITS A SECRET. U HAV 2 B ELITE LIK ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >13. What is it's main phone number? 1-800-746-9472 AND THE PASSWERD IZ C64D00D!!! >14. What is the hours of operation? I WONT TELL CUZ THEN YOUL GET ON AND TAKE ALL MY TIME! >15. What do you find there? HOT GAMEZ AND WAREZ!!!! AND HES GOT A BIG XRATED SECTION THAT HE LETS ME INTO EVEN THO IM 13. I DL LOTS OF GIF PHILEZ BUT CANT FIGGER HOW TO READ?????????????????????????????????????? PLEEZ HELP!!!!!!!!?????????????????? >16. If you can, please tell us what software they are using? I DUNNO ITS THE WUN WITH THE MENUS AND FILEZ AND STUFF! MAYBE IT WUZ WIND0WS I HERD WINDOS HAS LOTS OF WAREZ FILES!!! >17. What are the features you like? THE SISOP LETS ME C THE XRATED PART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111 >18. What are the features you don't like? I CANT FIND ANYONES PASSWERDS!!!! IM A GRATE HACKER BUT I CANT FIGGER OUT PASSWERDS!!!!! NOT FARE!!! >19. How could the sysop/system administrator improve the system? MAKE ME THE COSISOP!!!! AND MOVE HIS KOMPUTOR T0 MY H0USE!!! AND HIZ MONITER TOO I DONT LIKE B/W TV! >20. Is it a Pay BBS system? How much a year/month/week(Pick one)? WHATS A PAY BBS????????????????????? PAY FER WAREZ????????? THATS STOOPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >21. If you where to get the perfect BBS, what would you want to > see, what features, what do you want. Please be specific, and > please be as long winded as you wish! A PERFECT BBS WOUD HAVE ME 4 A SISOP AND ALL THE UZERS WOUD B MY SEX SLAVES AND ID HAV ALL THE PASSWERDS!!!!!!! AND THERED BE A BIG XRATED SECTION BUT MY DAD WOUDNT NO!!!! AND LOTZ 0F WAREZ FOR THE AWESUM C64 GAMEZ AND STUFF. IT WOUD HAVE 3 FLOPPI DRIVES BUT NO HARD DISKS THOSE ARE FER SISSIES WHO HAVE TO MUCH MONEY!!!!!!!! OH YEAH SPEAKING ABOUT MUNEY DAVE RH0DES IS AWESUM HED BE CO-SISUP AND WE MAKE EVERY-1 READ OUR MAKE.M0NEY.FAST BUT I BEAT UP DAVE RHODES AND TAKE HIS MONEY AND BY A NU JOYSTIK!!!!!!! EVRY DAY!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! AND ID MAKE NU USERS U/L ALL THERE WAREZ FILES ON THERE F1RST CALL BUT THEN HANG UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!! \QUIT \S 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Original dated: Apr 13 '95, 09:23 � This message was written by KAREN GRIMES to JOHN DECHANCIE � � and forwarded from area SF � 賽賽賽賽賽賽賽賽賽賽賽賽賽賽賽賽賽賽賽賽賽賽賽賽賽賽賽賽賽賽賽賽賽賽 Sorry about losing your original post, between debugging the new motherboard and BBS software, I haven't had time to post this week, (even though Dave's done most of the actual work on it .) The bomb scare at ChattaCon was a complete hoot. Picture this scenario: Guy shows up for the con on Fri with a 4 foot by 4 inch length of PVC pipe, capped on both ends with the words "Caution Radioactive" on the side in flourescent(sp?) paint. He carries it around all night drinking screwdrivers out of it. Everyone thinks its a great prop. Late that night it starts to leak, so when he goes across the street to the parking garage to sleep in the back of his truck, he leans the pipe against the wall in front of his truck so it won't leak inside the truck. Longshot then sacks out in a sleeping bag in the camper back. Well....about 8AM Sat morning, security arrives and does a walk-thru of the garage. Lo and behold, what do they see but a PVC pipe labelled Radioactive. Guard thinks it is a bomb. Calls in the police, who call in the bomb squad and the fire dept. They supposedly run tests on it, the pipe "shows a significant level of radioactivity" so our brilliant police force decides to treat it just like a bomb or radioactive debris. They haul it out, which makes all 3 local news stations, and catch this, destroy it on the firing range. This gives me such a sense of security knowing these bozos are in charge of the whole city's safety. BTW, they never notice someone is sleeping in the truck it was found beside, even though they roust out 4 other sleepers "for their own protection." Noone thinks to ask across the street where most of Chattaboogie's "wierd" population is partying. You figure. OK, back to Longshot who is sleeping in his truck...he wakes up surrounded by cops, as he put it "buck-a--ed naked in his sleeping bag" and decides discretion is definately called for. He hides in his bag. They never notice he is there, but he listens to them try to decide what to do. The best line from the conversation was "Its leaking!! We're all gonna die!" Meanwhile, we have about 4 or 5 cop cars, the fire dept, the bomb squad, and a crane to winch the pipe out of the garage in the street outside the hotel between 8 and 10AM. What a way to wake up! Later Sat night, at the Art Auction, Longshot is dragged down front and introduced to everyone as the culprit. Belly laughs all round. If you want more details (and better story-telling) ask David Martin (AKA Oberi of the brotherhood of the mist at MiniCon. He treks up there for it every year.) As I said, what other con puts on such a show for its guests? Not to mention showing off their Keystone Cops. Hope I didn't leave anything out (but I probably did.) You missed a hilarious episode. I know I'll never forget this year's con. :) 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A camper found himself bothered by mosquitoes during the first day at camp. At night he saw some fireflies and said, "Now they're coming after me with flashlights!" .......... A counselor was helping his charges put their stuff away on their first morning in camp. He was surprised to see that one youngster had an umbrella. The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella?" The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?" .......... My son came home from camp yesterday with a six-week stack of dirty clothes. That's surprising, because it was only a two-week camp. .......... The counselor called and told us that our son was sleeping with a stray dog. "What about the smell?" we asked. The counselor answered, "The dog seems to be getting used to it." .......... My wife and I had a great summer, relaxed and restful. In fact, this morning I said, "Camp is over. Billy's coming home. She said, "Who?" ........ Sir, you'll have to excuse me for coming to the door to get Amy, but my car horn isn't working! ........ Nothing's more expensive than a girl who's free for the evening. ........ She thinks she's a jinx date. Every time she goes out with a guy, he runs out of gas. ........ A young beau said to Marjorie, the family pride, "I'd like to see more of you." Marjorie answered, "There isn't any more of me!" ........ The cure for love at first sight is to take another look. ........ Going steady is like a tourniquet. It stops your circulation. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 The upgrade path to the most powerful and satisfying computer: * Pocket calculator * Commodore Pet / Apple II / TRS 80 / Commodore 64 / Timex Sinclair (Choose any of the above) * IBM PC * Apple Macintosh * Fastest workstation of the time (HP, DEC, IBM, SGI: your choice) * Minicomputer (HP, DEC, IBM, SGI: your choice) * Mainframe (IBM, Cray, DEC: your choice) And then you reach the pinnacle of modern computing facilities: ********************************************************* ******* G R A D U A T E S T U D E N T S ******** ********************************************************* Yes, you just sit back and do all of your computing through lowly graduate students. Imagine the advantages: * Multi-processing, with as many processes as you have students. You can easily add more power by promising more desperate undergrads that they can indeed escape college through your guidance. Special student units can even handle several tasks *on*their*own*! * Full voice recognition interface. Never touch a keyboard or mouse again. Just mumble commands and they *will* be understood (or else!). * No hardware upgrades and no installation required. Every student comes complete with all hardware necessary. Never again fry a chip or $10,000 board by improper installation! Just sit that sniveling student at a desk, give it writing utensils (making sure to point out which is the dangerous end) and off it goes. * Low maintenance. Remember when that hard disk crashed in your Beta 9900, causing all of your work to go the great bit bucket in the sky? This won't happen with grad. students. All that is required is that you give them a good *whack!* upside the head when they are acting up, and they will run good as new. * Abuse module. Imagine yelling expletives at your computer. Doesn't work too well, because your machine just sits there and ignores you. Through the grad student abuse module you can put the fear of god in them, and get results to boot! * Built-in lifetime. Remember that awful feeling two years after you bought your GigaPlutz mainframe when the new faculty member on the block sneered at you because his FeelyWup workstation could compute rings around your dinosaur? This doesn't happen with grad. students. When they start wearing and losing productivity, simply give them the PhD and boot them out onto the street to fend for themselves. Out of sight, out of mind! * Cheap fuel: students run on Coca Cola (or the high-octane equivalent -- Jolt Cola) and typically consume hot spicy chinese dishes, cheap taco substitutes, or completely synthetic macaroni replacements. It is entirely unnecessary to plug the student into the wall socket (although this does get them going a little faster from time to time). * Expansion options. If your grad. students don't seem to be performing too well, consider adding a handy system manager or software engineer upgrade. These guys are guaranteed to require even less than a student, and typically establish permanent residence in the computer room. You'll never know they are around! (Which you certainly can't say for an AXZ3000-69 150gigahertz space-heater sitting on your desk with its ten noisy fans....) [Note however that the engineering department still hasn't worked out some of the idiosyncratic bugs in these expansion options, such as incessant muttering at nobody in particular, occasionaly screaming at your grad. students, and posting ridiculous messages on world-wide bulletin boards.] So forget your Babbage Engines and abacuses (abaci?) and PortaBooks and DEK 666-3D's and all that other silicon garbage. The wave of the future is in wetware, so invest in graduate students today! You'll never go back! - Origin: Another Brick In The Wall BBS <14.4> 210/662-8367 (1:387/642.0) 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 This is from The Kansas City Star's Dear Abby: DEAR ABBY: Here's another one for your "nude" collection: I was all set to step into the shower when I realized that my bath towels were in the dryer. My washer and dryer are on my back porch, so I quickly ran back there to get a towel. Before I could open the dryer door, I heard the milkman coming down the walk. He always left the milk on my back step, but I was afraid he might glance in the back screen door and see me, so I jumped into the back porch closet. I was standing in the closet, waiting for him to leave the milk and go. Suddenly, the closet door swung open and there I stood, naked as a jaybird. It was the meter reader! In his surprise, he looked me up and down. In my embarrassment, I blurted out, "Oh, my ... I thought you were the milkman!" --- Red-Faced in Fresno A man asked a friend at work how he might go about spicing up his sex life with his wife. His friend suggested buying her a nice lingerie and making a "special" night. That sounded romantic so the man went to Frederick's that night after work and found a sheer night gown that was almost transparent. He had the clerk gift wrap it for him and he headed home, gift in hand. When he walked in the door he gave his wife a big kiss and handed her the package and told her to go into the bedroom and put on what she found in the box and promised her a night of romance. When the wife opened the box and examined the lingerie, she felt it was just too transparent for her taste, so she tossed it in the closet and decided to just come out nude. As she entered the living room, her husband looked up and with an apologetic tone replied, "I'm sorry, honey. If I'd have know it was so wrinkled, I'd have ironed it first." A blond truck driver returns home after two months on the road. At 1:00 in the morning the phone rings and he picks it up. He replies, "How the hell should I know! That's 200 miles away!" The blond then lays the phone back down and snuggles back into bed. His wife asks, "Who was that honey?" The blond trucker replies, "Some jerk!" His wife, even more curious, asks, "Well, what did he want?" "He wanted to know if the coast was clear," replied the dumb blond. The little boy came into the bathroom while his mother was taking a shower. He asked, "mommy whats that between your legs?" She told him that was her squirrel. Later that day he was in the bathroom again while grandma was taking a shower and he asked, "grandma what's that between your legs?" She replied, "thats my squirrel." The little boy said, "well mommy has one too but hers is not as gray as yours." Grandma replied, "well your mommy's squirrel hasn't cracked as many nuts as mine has!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Twits are people who... 1. Twits love DOWNLOADING. Uploading is for simpletons who can't tell whether they are coming or going. If Twits designed modems, we'd all have one which downloads at 19.2 K-Baud, and uploads at 300 baud. If Twits wrote protocols, the smallest block they could receive would be 10 megs. 2. Twits can't READ or COUNT. This is evidenced by their total inability to comprehend System Rules, or Upload / Download Ratio's. But, for some strange reason, they can still use a computer. 3. Twits feel that the proper way to leave a board is to drop the carrier. They do this because they don't want to waste their valuable time exiting via the "Goodbye" command, when they could spend that time calling another board. 4. Twits NEVER leave messages, unless it is rude, crude, or socially unacceptable. If an exception to this exists, it will probably be a creative one-liner such as "Hi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!". Twits rarely reply to messages. Unless they enter a one-liner such as the one above. 5. Twits NEVER communicate with SysOps, unless it is to ask WHY such and such file is unavailable, demand access to the "Private Area's", or gripe about something. Mail from the SysOp is considered to be the electronic equivalent of "Junk-Mail", and should be ignored. In fact, there should be some form of law to stop it from being written. 6. Twits NEVER EVER pay for access to a computer system. They see themselves as latter-day "Robin-Hoods", taking from the rich (SysOps) and giving to the Poor (Themselves). Their motto: "If it isn't free, it isn't worth having." 7. Twits NEED multiple user names and logon passwords on each board they call. This is the measure of their Twit-dom, and reflects their true status in the Twit-community. A Twit with only ONE user name and logon password per board is a FAILURE, and faces censure and possible expulsion from their peer group. (It is no wonder that Twits exhibit schizo-tendancies). 8. Twits know EVERYTHING. Just ask them. But, it'd take a crow-bar & dynamite to get any useful information out of them. These self- professed "experts" will RARELY stoop so low as to assist someone who may genuinely need some help. After all, a REAL "hacker" never needs or asks for help. 9. A Twit would not be caught dead using their REAL NAME when calling a BBS. In fact, Twits refuse to leave anything more involved than a handle when registering on a BBS.(EVERYONE knows who "Slinky Toy" is) The "ONLY" exception to this rule is that they will often use SOMEONE ELSE's real name. Or, they may use the name of a Heavy-Metal rock & roll group.(Imagine a system where everyone is named "G & R"). 10. Twits NEVER register their Shareware. Cash is what they use to buy faster modems. Program Authors are neurotic-compulsives, and if they did not serve a purpose, Twits would have them abolished completely. 11. Twits ADORE Sprint, MCI, and other long-distance credit card numbers, IF they belong to someone else. This also applies to COMPUSERV, SOURCE, etc. Their motto is: "If you can't steal it, it can't be much fun". 12. A Twit is a "BBS Connoisseur". They KNOW which BBS software is BEST and how your system SHOULD look and run. They will not hesitate to inform you if it fails to meet their demanding and rigid expectations. (They consider this a "Public Service") However, they would NEVER trouble themselves to run their OWN bbs. That might take valuable time away from their duties as "Remotes" on the boards they spend all their waking moments calling. 13. Twits LOVE to page the SysOp, often just for the sheer hell of it. They are most fond of "Late-Night" paging. This is the perfect time for them to explain the infallable logic as to why they should be (18 min left), (H)elp, More? given Remote-SysOp access to your system. Their second most favored reason for wanting to chat; "Just checking to see if you were THERE!" 14. Twits cannot comprehend WHY the IBM program they just downloaded won't run on their Amiga 500. After all, programs are programs, right? And, any fool knows that a 512K machine can hold a 2 Meg. prgm. 15. Twits can't TOLERATE seeing a command that they can't use. Their motto is "try, try again". If it didn't work the first time, it HAS to work on the second, third, fourth, etc. No self-respecting SysOp would intentionally offer them anything less than TOTAL ACCESS. 16. Twits are FASCINATED by DOS. Their quest for it rivals the search for the legendary "Holy-Grail". They MUST reach it, through their modem, or all is lost. What they would do with it if they reached it, is probably a lot like what a dog who chases cars would would do with one if he managed to catch it. (Pee on the tires?) 17. Twits are totally ENGROSSED by hardware. They can conceive of the most unborthodox, outrageous, and potentially lethal contraptions known on Earth. Occasionally, these "time-bombs" actually work. Any difficulties they experience with their computers will fall under the heading of "Miscegenation", or "Poetic Justice". 18. Twits CRAVE the LATEST version of "Goober-Pods" / "Space-Weenies". To reward the SysOp for access to such mega-byte gems, they will upload VALUABLE and USEFUL programs in return. Such as "Weasel- Stompers" for the Commodore64, providing it is less than 10K in size. 19. A Twit NEVER uses applications programs, and NEVER writes programs.(Programs are what Twits DOWNLOAD, and most can just BARELY write or spell) Their motto:"If you don't need a joystick to play it, it isn't worth having". 20. A real Twit will FLATLY REFUSE to use ANY compression method on files they intend to upload. After all, SysOps sit and twiddle their thumbs waiting on something to do, and should be GRATEFUL that they get ANY uploads, EVER! They also refuse to upload documentation. (It is crutch for weak minds and the hallmark of the Geek) 21. Twits SUFFER if there are no "NEW" files on the system. There may be a correlation between "NEW" files and Twits, much as there is one which exists between dog-excrement and flies. The only difference is that flies usually leave after eating their fill. Twits don't. 22. Twits desperately NEED to become Remote-Sysops. They KNOW that EVERYONE else on the system has SysOp capabilities, and don't want to be excluded from all the fun! (Are all Twits created equal?) 23. Twits think that the "Caps Lock" key must be activated in order to properly leave a message on a board. They think that their message is of such great importance that it must be screamed at everyone. 24. Occasionally an above average Twit who discovers that modeming can be a two way street will attempt to get around upload\download ratios by renaming the same program fifteen or twenty times and using it to fill the sysop's hard disk with redundant programs. After all, rules were meant to be broken, right? 25. A Twit would quote this enter message in a reply and add one word of intelligent rebuttal like ...NOT!!!!!!!! or WHOA!!!!!! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴