ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ÛÛ» ÛÛ» ÛÛÛ» ÛÛÛ» ÛÛÛÛÛ» ÛÛ» ÛÛ» ÛÛÛÛÛÛ» ÛÛ» ÛÛ» ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛÛÛ» ÛÛÛÛº ÛÛÉÍÍÛÛ» ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛÉÍÛÛÛÛ» ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛº ÛÛÛÛÛ» ÛÛÉÛÛÛÛÉÛÛº ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛºÛÛÉÛÛº ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛº ÛÛÉÍÍÛÛº ÈÍÍÍͼ ÛÛºÈÛÛɼÛÛº ÛÛÉÍÍÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛÛÛɼÛÛº ÈÍÍÍÍÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛº Èͼ ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛº ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ» ÈÛÛÛÛÛÛɼ ÛÛº Èͼ Èͼ Èͼ Èͼ Èͼ Èͼ Èͼ ÈÍÍÍÍÍͼ ÈÍÍÍÍͼ Èͼ ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Three men were having lunch, one was CIA, one was Israeli Mossad, and the other was British M-5. There was a slight buzzing sound and the Brit opened his mouth, unscrewed a tooth, put it to his ear and listened. He then held the tooth to his mouth and said "I'm eating now and I'll get back to you." The CIA man's tie-clip began to beep and he followed the same basic scenario. All of a sudden the man from the Mossad let out some rip roaring gas. "Excuse me", he said, "I'm getting a fax". ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Q. How do you stop your dog from fucking your leg? A. Pick him up and give him a blow job! >> Don't forget these famous (last?) words: Where the fuck is my steering wheel! - Ayrton Senna That's not a real fucking Gun? - John Lennon Q. What does it take to reunite The Beatles? A. Three more bullets. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Two nun's go to a liquor store and ask for a bottle of smooth whiskey. The clerk says, "I thought nun's didn't drink?", to which one nun replied, Mother Superior's constipation". They no sooner leave the store when they both swig the bottle empty. They then return and repeat the process. After the second bottle, they StUmBlE bsck into the store and ask for a third bottle. The clerk says, "I really think you've had quite enough, sisters, how is this going to help Mother Superior's constipation?" "Well, when she sees us like this (hic), she's gonna SHIT!" The old farmer toppie and his son is riding into town on their donkiekar to get some supplies. So while driving this farmer says: "Jaaa..." and then five minutes pass and the son says: "Jaaaaaa..." About half an hour later the farmer says again: "Jaa..." and five minutes later the son replies: "Jaaaa..." So they get to town and without exchanging a word they buy their thingies and everything and leave. So the farmer says again: "Jaaaa..." and five minutes later the son replies: "Jaa..." Half an hour later the farmer says once more: "Jaaaa..." and then five minutes later the son replies: "Nee..." Immediately the farmer jumps up and yells: "Ag man, quit talking bullsh**!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ HELLO EVERYBODY :-) I'm NEW TO THE 'NET ;-) Since I'VE only got 10 hrs to get stuff, I NEED SOME HELP PLEAESE. PLEASE TELL ME WHICH BUTTON TO CLLICK ON to get stories, please :-) (Is there a button I click on so you can talk to me? hellow? hello? is anybofyd there? Is therd a SYSOP here, please? IM WAITING FOR HELP PLEEEASE??!! HELLO? X x quite quit exit EXIT ~X ~G BYE ??? HOW DO IT LEAVE< PLEASE???? q q q Q How do I GET OUT OF HERE???? bye bye BYE IS anybody there/??? hello? SHJIT!SHIT! SHIT! OK< this is stupid! ;-( ;-( Now what do I DO??????????????? PLEASE, SOMEBODY< PLEASE TELL ME WHAT BUTTON TO CLICK ON TO GET OUT>>> ~X ~B exit exit exit exit exit exit exiteed BEY BYLE BYE BYE BYE BYE qqqqqqqqqqqqqq q great i'm stuck in this fuckin place my 10 free fuckin hours are going down the tubes and here i sit with my finger up my buttt! fuck this fuck this fuck this doubly doubly fuck this hello, people! GET ME OUTA HERE!!!!! godanm aol godamn aol godamn aol aol sucks the net sucks everyoby in the universe sucks what do I type to leave this godforsaken place? I spend 3,000 fucking dollars to byu a shitty COMPUTER and THIS is all it AMOUNTS TO???? When I get outa here SOMEBODY"S gonna PAY!! --0---3 hours and counting. I go and take a crap, come back to the tv screen and IM STILL STUCK IN COMPUTER LIMBO!! quit goodbye exit x q help ? helpmehelpmehelpmehelpmehelpme Roll me over, in the clover, roll me over lay me down and fuck you again now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country qwert x okay, I give up. I'm pullin the fuckin plug on this baby and sending it back to RADIO SHACK! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A couple of weeks ago, I heard a radio commercial that said: "What would it be like to lose an entire hemisphere of your brain? Tune in to the Discovery Channel and find out!" At last, they admit it. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ 4 0 T H I N G S Y O U C A N D O W I T H A D U F F F L O P P Y Oh dear, another floppy finally snuffs it after a years faithful service. What do YOU usually do with them? Throw them away? Dissect them? Here's a list of forty different things you can do with a duff floppy. 01) Use it as a beermat. 02) Split it in have, and use the halves as earrings. 03) Bend the metal bits, and then slam it into your worst enemies drive. 04) Replace floppy bit with sandpaper, and THEN slam it into your worst enemies drive. 05) Throw it at a wall, and count how many pieces it breaks into (my record is eight). 06) Use it as a frisbee. 07) Take the floppy bit out and use it as a better frisbee. 08) Jump up and down on it, then use it as a jigsaw puzzle. 09) Roll it up and smoke it. 10) Drop it out the window, then leg it down the stairs and catch it. 11) Boil it with some cabbage, and make a nice stew. 12) Start a duff floppy collection. 13) Sell it to some 7-year-old games- mad kid as the latest game. 14) Use it as a sex toy. 15) Puncture it with a pin, and use it as a sieve. 16) Get several, stick 'em together, and use 'em for a door stop. 17) Get even more, stick 'em together, and use 'em as a paper-weight. 18) Bury it for some stupid archeologist to find in 300 years time. 19) Give it to the dog to chew, then count the teeth-marks. 20) Split in half, cut a large hole in each, and use as designer glasses. 21) It it's one of those colored transparent ones, use it for sunglasses. 22) Put it through a shredder and use it as compost. 23) Plaster it with glue, and hang it in a greenhouse. Instant flypaper! 24) Stick it to a ruler, and use it as a fly-swat. 25) Use the tissue bits inside as an emergency Kleenex. 26) Keep it 'til you're 80, and then sell it as an antique. 27) Pickle it. 28) Open it up, insert cheese or other filling, and eat as a sandwich. 29) Cut triangles out of the floppy bit and attach a motor. Hey presto, instant circular saw. 30) Drop it off a bridge, and watch it float away into the distance. 31) Plant it, and wait 'til it sprouts new disks (swappers dream, eh?) 32) "Simply immerse in McBollox's Disk Repair Solution for a disk as good as new!" Yeah, right mate. 33) Stick something point through it, and use it as a sundial. 34) Swap the floppy bit with one from your brand new game, then take said new game back to the shop, whining "It doesn't work". 35) Stick it on the wall, and use it as a dartboard. 36) Stick it on a hook, and use it as bait. 37) Use it as an ice-scraper. 38) Glue on razor-blades, and use it as a shuriken. 39) Plug it into the mains, and use it as a night-light. 40) Simply burn it (for pyromaniacs out there). ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Leonard Slatkin, new music director for the National Symphony, prides himself on having the largest collection on conductor jokes in the world. This one is paraphrased from an interview he did with with NPR: So the new conductor addresses the orchestra. He tells them that things are going to change, that everyone will be expected to be on time and that they will work for many long hours. The timpanist, expressing his displeasure at the turn of events, belts out on the drums BOOM-BOOM- BOOM-BOOM. The conductor, whirling around furiously, says, "Alright, who did that?!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ With the rise of the Fox network, and the recent debut of UPN (the Voyager network,) it seems to me that the time is ripe to launch: TSN - The Simpson Network. Daytime programming would consist entirely of the televised trial proceedings, with commentary during recesses. While this might seem redundant, what with ABC, CBS, and NBC already doing it, there's so much more to the Simpson network, such as: Comedy - Prime time is filled with Naked Gun, Naked Gun 2.5, Naked Gun 33 1/3, and so forth. Sports - Replays of Buffalo Bills games from the 1970's. Science - This week, Nova examines the legitimacy of DNA testing. Noted experts Robert Shapiro and Marsha Clark will offer their conflicting viewpoints. Animated Feature - This week on the Simpsons, Homer is involved in an accident at the nuclear plant that turns him black, tall, and handsome, and leaves him only able to respond to the names "OJ" and "Juice". Cops - L.A. detective Mark Furman tells about his most exciting case to date, as well as giving information about how to falsify evidence. Renegade 2 - Judge Lance Ito, fed up with the publicity that he has received, sets off on his motorcycle righting wrongs with his fists.... L.A. Law - Shapiro, Dershowitz, Bailey, and that other guy having just another ordinary day practicing law.... Hard Copy - Hard Copy has the inside scoop on who's on the OJ jury, and who's just an alternate juror. I'm sure that one could fill 48 hours a day with this stuff. (Note to foreigners - the OJ Simpson trial is generating a ridiculous amount publicity here in the USA.) Original. Martin F. Melhus | Going to school is like riding a horse; you make - - - - - - - - | more progress, and find it less unpleasant, when mfm0[at]midway.uchicago.edu | you are on top of it. -- Selected by Maddi Hausmann Sojourner. MAIL your joke to funny@clarinet.com. Please! No copyrighted stuff. Also no "mouse balls," dyslexic agnostics, Iraqi driver's ed, Administratium, strings in bar or bell-ringer jokes. ! Origin: FidoNet <-> Internet Gateway (11:1/1) ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The following dialog was overhead between two native Bostonians, a breed of people who appear to have abandoned the King's English two centuries ago as part of the American Revolution: George: You an' Fran gonna take any vacation this year? Harry: Yeah. Next week. George: Where ya goin'? Harry: Not sure. George: You an' Fran don't know where you're gonna go? Harry: Were goin' to the Not Sure. Last year we went to the Sout' Sure. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A gay woman goes for her annual physical. After the ob/gyn completes the physical s/he says, "You can get dressed now-- your test results will be back in a few days, but stop by my office and I'll review the exam I just gave you." When the patient gets to the office, the MD says, "Well, you seem to be in perfect health--I couldn't find a thing wrong in my exam. Furthermore, I'd like to compliment you on your excellent personal hygiene. I have hundreds of patients, and I can't think of a one of them who keeps her genital area so clean and fresh." The patient says, "Well, there's a perfectly good reason for that--you see, I have a woman in at least three times a week." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Heard from my neighbour: There was this very enthusiastic golf player, who once happened to be in the far end of town waiting for a bus. He saw a sprts shop on the other side of the road, and in the window there was a sign advertising 20 good quality golf balls for an incredibly low price. He saw his bus approaching, but couldn't resist the temptation and rushed in the shop, stuffed 20 golf balls in his pockets, dropped a few coins on the counter and rushed out. The bus was about to take off, but the driver saw the man running wildly, and waited to let him in. Sitting on a vacant seat he tried to catch his breath when he noticed a beautiful girl on the next seat staring at his pants. "Oh no, my dear, it isn't what you think. It's golf balls" he tried to explain, to which she answered "I see. Just like a tennis elbow?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Roses are red Violets are not If you forget next Tuesday You will be shot Note: Heard the week before St. Valentines Day which falls on a Tuesday, next week. February 14th. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Q: Why is it that Macintoshes can read DOS disks, run DOS software, etc., but IBM machines can't handle Mac stuff? A: Well it's normal for a system to be backwardly compatible. Here is an actual story from someone who wishes to remain anonymous. He wanted to go out with this girl so he made up a petition to that effect, got it signed by 50 people, and included a copy of this: TOP 118 REASONS WHY TAMARA SHOULD GO OUT WITH ROB ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 1) His shoelaces are hardly ever untied 2) Doesn't pick his nose in public 3) Has never put a red shirt in with the whites 4) Was not directly responsible for the Holocaust 5) When getting off an elevator at a 20+ story building, he doesn't push all the buttons so everyone has to stop at every floor 6) Elvis is dead and Bob Saget is married; who's left? 7) Reads National Geographic, and not just for the nude pictures of African gorillas 8) His cat seems to like him 9) Hasn't wet his bed for at least two weeks now 10) Has his own 'Captain Kirk' coffee mug 11) Always keeps his printer paper well-stocked 12) Doesn't turn into a werewolf during full moons 13) He hardly ever slurps when drinking soup 14) Knows the capital of Eritrea 15) Always manages to resist the urge to poke sharp objects into his ear on the first date 16) Is very proficient at whistling the French national anthem 17) Is only mere words away from completing a New York Times crossword puzzle he began in 1981 18) He is not an alien from another dimension bent on World destruction 19) Played no part in the Cuban Missile Crisis 20) Has never been Captain of, nor been aboard, the Exxon Valdez 21) Very rarely has homicidal tendencies 22) Makes excellent use of his spare time 23) DOES NOT OVERUSE THE CAPSLOCK KEY 24) He subscribes to the theory that the world is round 25) He does not make fun of Boutros-Boutros Ghali's name unnecessarily 26) Is mixing up 'dessert' and 'desert' less and less every day 27) He found Waldo 28) Has never passed out on any world leader's front lawn 29) Has never been fired by George Steinbrenner 30) Cried at the end of John Steinbeck's 'Of Mice and Men' 31) Has never found rude shapes in clouds 32) Tries not to giggle when he cuts one 33) Has never blatantly misused a blender 34) Rarely blacks out for more than a few seconds 35) Makes a real effort not to spit when he talks 36) Owns the Led Zeppelin box set and makes copies for his friends 37) Doesn't scrape his vegetables onto his grandmother's plate when no one is looking 38) Wears male undergarments 39) Has never been struck by lightning while simultaneously being hit by a falling meteorite 40) Is an accomplished tv-watcher 41) Has never been involved in the shipment of plutonium to Germany 42) Has never opened fire on an innocent group of unarmed people 43) Did not mastermind Julius Caeser's death; that was Cassius 44) Owns issues 1-34 of Starman comics in near mint condition 45) Has Patrick Roy's autograph 46) Had no trouble committing his phone number to memory 47) Regularly gets the high score on "Super Mario Bros." 48) Rarely stares directly at the sun 49) Has never dumped in his pants while sliding into 2nd base 50) Has never broken into a bear's home and eaten all his porridge 51) Has never given the bird to a lady over age 60 52) So far, has never resorted to cannibalism 53) Has never exploited the tradition of mistletoe to kiss his aunt 54) Never stares at someone's wart for more than 2-3 minutes 55) Has never caused a traffic accident because he was fixing his make-up 56) Has no communicable diseases 57) No tyrannical system of government is named after him 58) Has no plans to ever give the Pope a wedgie 59) Was completely uninvolved in the trade that sent Doug Gilmour away for Gary Leeman 60) Never rings doorbells and then runs away before they answer 61) Hard as it may be to believe, he has never lost a pole vault competition 62) Never forgets his bug spray when going out into the woods 63) Has never pulled the football away from Charlie Brown 64) Very rarely ties cans to a cat's tail 65) Hardly ever referred to as 'infernal' 66) Has never suffered from lockjaw 67) Recognizes Xenon as a noble gas 68) Excellent at compiling purposeless lists 69) Would give up his appendix for the right woman 70) Great with kids; even better with roast beef 71) Holds the record for the highest spot on the cafeteria wall he got his cheese to stick to in grade six. 72) Has never hit a silver-medalist in the knee with a club 73) The part he played in the bombing of Hiroshima is largely exagerated 74) Has never gambled away a girlfriend in Las Vegas, as well as many other places in the world 75) Has managed so far not to decapitate himself 76) Gets fewer and fewer 'ice-cream headaches' 77) Wouldn't smoke nor drink while pregnant 78) Has always managed to avoid being a victim of a 'piledriver' 79) Has never locked himself in a car 80) Has never played a mean trick on Smokey the Bear 81) Does not use cruel mouse traps 82) Has never let Frank Sinatra down 83) Contrary to popular belief, does not comb his hair with a fork 84) Has never attempted to dance naked in a Jerry Lewis Telethon 85) Very rarely has delusions of God 86) Never placed a bet with Pete Rose 87) It's been over a year since he last got his neck tangled in a telephone cord 88) Can sing "Frere Jacques" much better than Jean-Luc Picard 89) Rarely eats paste between meals 90) Is not the ominous voice in Mortal Kombat which says 'FINISH HIM!' just before a fatality 91) Usually remembers to take the shell off of an egg before eating it 92) Tied Jose Canseco in home runs last week 93) Was nowhere near the grassy knoll November 3rd 1963 94) Often resists the powerful temptation to shave rude swear words in his hair 95) And when he just can't resist, it's usually shaved somewhere where you can't see it 96) Has managed to overcome a long-lasting desire to clean toasters in a bath-tub 97) At Speedy, he's a somebody 98) At a touch of a button, can have a pizza delivered to him personally in under 30 minutes 99) Unlike Vincent Van Gogh, would not chop off his ear for a girl 100) Enjoys better table manners than John Belushi 101) Is (marginally) more popular with feminists than Rush Limbaugh 102) If it came right down to it, he could beat the pants off of Steven Hawking in a fair fight 103) Would never forget to clean the microwave after having placed a small rodent inside 104) The rumours of his involvement in the Chernobyl crisis are mostly unfounded 105) No longer bears a grudge against Santa Claus for failing to deliver an automatic rifle in Christmas of '80 106) It is increasingly rare that he makes obscene phone calls to Bea Arthur 107) Come on, he's not *that* much of an eyesore! 108) Is not fooled when given poisoned candy on Halloween from his mother 109) Refuses to play 'let's hide grandma's teeth' 110) Can be easily entertained for hours with simple, one-piece toys 111) The sources which publicized his involvement in the Iran-Contra scandal were unreliable 112) As of yet, has never overlooked the importance of regular, continuous breathing 113) There is a refreshing absense of monsters under his bed these days 114) Has never smuggled tinker toys onto an international flight 115) Nevers pees in someone else's sink 116) His picking a fight with an inanimate object is quite uncommon 117) Is heterosexual, unmarried and has a pulse 118) Give me 118 reasons why she shouldn't CONTRARY TO WHAT ONE MIGHT THINK, NO, THIS IS NOT THE STUPIDEST THING THAT ROB HAS EVER DONE. BUT IT'S IN THE TOP 118. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The following began life as a Top Ten list of "Mistakes Made by Adolf Hitler." it was passed around during a lecture in a political science class of mine and soon grew to over 100 entries. I have culled out the stupid and/or truly offensive ones, as well as any that said nasty things about any particular nationality (read, the French.) You'll have to excuse the fact that some of them are rather obscure, but that's what happens when you get a bunch of political scientists in the same room. Without further ado, I give you... Top 59 Mistakes Made by Adolf Hitler 1. Land War in Asia 2. Changed name from highly catchy 'Schickelgruber' to boring 'Hitler' 3. Leaving his little mustache: not growing a friendly Abe Lincoln beard to instill trust among subjects 4. Not buying lifts for his shoes 5. Failure to exploit Me 262 Messerschmidt 6. Failure to exploit Eva Braun 7. Chose swastika as party symbol rather than the daisy 8. Chose Josef Goebels rather than Marlene Dietrich to promote Nazi image 9. Chose "Deutschland Uber Alles" over "Let's All Be There" as party slogan 10. Lost the Ark to Indiana Jones 11. Chose unfashionable blacks and browns rather than trendy plaids and stripes as uniform colors for SS & SA 12. Referring to Stalin as "that old Georgian fat back" 13. Indiscriminate use of V-2 rockets for public fireworks displays 14. Free beer in munitions plants 15. Lisp never corrected 16. Bad toupe 17. Refused to undergo nostril reduction surgery 18. Failed to conquer strategically important Comoros Islands 19. Fell asleep in staff meetings 20. Chose Italy as ally 21. Land War in Asia 22. Got involved with a Sicilian when death was on the line 23. Made pass at Eleanor Roosevelt during 1936 Olympics 24. Built heliport on top of new Reichstag building which looked remarkably like a bullseye from the air 25. Always got Churchill out of bed for conference calls 26. Never had fireside mass rallies 27. Told Einstein he had a stupid name 28. Used SS instead of LAPD 29. Admired Napoleon's strategy 30. Strong fondness for saurkraut and beans made General Staff avoid him constantly 31. In last days, chose to hide in bunker rather than ask U.S. for a little country place in Hawaii 32. Nightmare involving Pillsbury Doughboy haunted him constantly with war advice 33. Major theme in speeches -- "lebensraum, or "living room" -- widely misperceived as call for domestic architectural reform 34. Failed to revoke Rudolph Hess's pilot licence. 35. Pissed off Jesse Owens at 1936 Olympics 36. Didn't put his brother Billy in the concentration camps. When word got out that Billy was just a beer guzzling fat guy in a small town in Bavaria who grew peanuts it was bad P.R. for Der Fuhrer 37. Breast feeding for too long 38. Passed up Finish "tanks for snowshoes" offer before invasion of USSR 39. Drank to much at Beer Hall Putsch 40. Spent jail time planning how to conquer the world instead of his own escape. 41. Forgot to write "Dear Joey" letter to Stalin before invasion of Poland 42. Blew nose on Operation Barbarossa maps, forcing extemporaneous invasion of Soviet Union 43. Took no steps to keep Neville Chamberline in power 44. Chose the Tirpitz for that weekend of love with Eva in the Fjords 45. Frequently mistaken for Charlie Chaplin due to mustache; undermined credibility (as when he threatened to invade Poland, everyone waited for the punchline) 46. Came off as poor loser when "Triumph of the Will" failed to win Oscar for "best Foreign Documentary" -- "You don't like me" speech undermined image. 47. Used to make prank calls to FDR asking if he had "Prince Albert in a can" 48. Forgot correct interpretation of Nietzsche; caused much embarrassment when he used to cite philosophical support for his concept of the "Oberdude" 49. Got drunk on schnapps and suggested Tojo attack the U.S. saying, "The U.S. only has twenty times your industrial power, what are you, a wimp?" 50. Listened to too much Wagner and not enough Peter, Paul and Mary 51. Spent too much on screwdrivers and toilet seats 52. Tried to play football with Axis Lucy who pulled the ball away at the last second 53. Failed to encourage tourism 54. Being born 55. Never did the honorable thing with Eva Braun 56. Alienated Chamberline at Munich by sticking an "Invade me" sign on his back 57. Kept Colonel Klink in command 58. Churchill mistakenly thought "Deutschland Uber Alles" was a veiled threat 59. Used same astrologer as the Reagans ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The start of the new school term always brings out the most interesting questions for computer consultants on campus. The predominant questions this term pertain to "getting into" E-mail and how to access the "Information Highway". An obviously distraught student came into the consulting office yesterday complaining that his E-mail wasn't working; his attempts to get tickets for an on-campus concert kept resulting in returned mail. He showed me the mail address he was attempting to reach- I asked him where he obtained such an unusual mail address. He replied, "The sign told me, 'begins@7:30 P.M.'" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A young couple having an argument over what measures to take against burglaries in the neighborhood. He wants a revolver; she a pitbull. The argument contines: revolver!, pitbull!; revolver!, pitbull! They finally compromised and got a feminist. A young man and several female friends arrived together to donate blood for the Bloodmobile recently. The women had already been screened and were being prepped as the young fellow was being interviewed... Q: Have you had sex with another man since 1977. A: What kind of question is that? Q: We ask everyone. It helps us keep the blood supply clean. A: Oh. Well, no. But those girls up there [he points at his companions], they are the lyin'est bitches I ever did know. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Unto all who read these words, greetings from Yaakov! Ferret writes: "By the way there are legal documents in Modern English that require further translation by special interpreters into a form of English everyone can understand. That is what lawyers are for. Or is legalese a non-English language?" Actually, despite many cognates with English, Legalese is proof that lawyers are descended from the same wondering Asian tribes that eventually colonized the United States accross the Bearing land-bridge. Consider the following lingistic evidence, as documented from such authentic sources on Amerind culture as F-Troop and Bonanza (after all, they were only written approximately 75 years after the closing of the American frontier. Heck, many of the descendents of the original tribes portrayed were still alive, thus lending credence to the veracity of the text. English Amerind Legalese Person Someone-Come-Close Party-of-the-First-Part Contract Paper-that-speak The-aforesaid-agreement Gun Bang-stick Either of the following: Protected-Constitutional -Right or Dangerous- weapon Note that both the dialects of the lawyers and of Amerinds use several words to describe what English does in one word, thus, the languages are related, Q.E.D. (Another legalese, but this looks like a loaner word from the math-geek tribe, which in fact did not originate in any known language group and may provide radical new proof of spontaneous generation.) It is believed that the proto-Lawyers headed *west* instead of *east* like everyone else in the Universe, probably becuase they were engaged in litigation with the Scythians. The Scythians attempted to evade the proto-lawyers by using aliases like 'Sarmations' (which lead to the Samaritans accidently getting their junk mail due to a typo in the syro-aramaic) and building boats to flee to Finland. This plan was ultimately foiled when the proto-lawyers (now going under the archaic name 'Barristers' from the Greek description of their talk: 'bar-bar' 'stir-stir' ) impounded their fleet (which had conveniently run aground in Crimea. Apparently, the Scythians were lousy navigators, but that is the subject of a different thread.) The Barristers followed the Scythians to Scotland and Ireland, but ultimately settled in England where they could do contingency fee work for the Vikings in their ongoing quit claim action against the Angles and the Saxons (the Jutes were originally named but were dismissed due to lack of personal jurisdiction). Here they established a matriachal culture based on litigator-women who particip[ated fully with men but, following their nurturing natures, tended to stay in mergers and acquisition work. This culture was ultimately repressed by militant Christianity, as can be demonstrated by the fact that a higher rank than Barrister was created, baring the typically militaristic title of Searjant of Law. The lawyers ultimately came to the North American Continent on the Mayflower, having evicted a sufficient number of rats. Here they were at last reunited with their ethnic bretheren. In case anybody hasn't guessed :-) :-) :-) Yaakov (A lawyer) ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ While watching the news story tonight about a planned visit by President Clinton to view flood damage in California it was mentioned that FEMA was providing $500 _grants_ to flood victims. Newt Gingrich is is said to be opposed to this plan, arguing that this will just encourage flood victims to have more floods. A lady walks in to a pet store (ouch) and asks the salesman if he has any parrots for sale. He replies that he has a very special parrot in back. They go to the back of the store and see a beautiful bird with a string around each leg. The salesman explains that if she pulls the string on the left leg, the bird sings "Nearer My God to Thee," and if she pulls the right string, it sings, "Raindrops Keep Fallin' on my Head." The lady asks what happens if she pulls both strings, and the bird yells out, "I fall on my butt, you big dummy!!" From page 41 of the Sears (Canada) "Winter Celebration" Catalog: "(C) Teal pants are a pull-on style for easy dressing." I didn't know there was another way to get your pants on. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ This is a true story as it happened to my mother a few (maybe 20) years ago while she worked for a Sears in western Pa. An elderly man phoned into the service department where my mother worked to complain that the new TV that he just bought was broken. When my mother asked for a description of the problem, the man said, "It quits." A repairman was sent to the home where he found the TV was working just fine. He ran the usual diagnostics on it, and it tested fine, so the serviceman left, telling the man to call back in if it happens again. The very next day the man called in saying that the TV just quits, and it isn't fixed soon he will return it. This time the Service Manager (ta-dah)was sent out to see if he could locate the problem. After testing the TV and finding it in perfect working order, the service manager began asking a few questions. "Does it blow any fuses? Do you own a Ham radio? Does this happen at any particular time?" To that last question the man replied, "Yes. Around two o'clock each morning - it plays the national anthem and quits!" (I suppose you have to be a certain age to appreciate that one.) ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ This license plate was seen on a white Ford Bronco on the Dulles Toll Road in Northern Virginia: NOT OJS A true teaching story: It was my first year teaching six grade & the end of the year family life unit was nearing. Seems that a couple of years before they had divided the classes up by gender for this, but that practice had been discontinued. Wondering if that set-up was still in operation must have been what the 11 year old girl in my class was thinking about when she raised her hand and asked "Mr. `Smith', are all the girls in the room going to be having sex with you this year?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ After years of research, Mertus Enterprises, (ME Inc.) has successfully combined the wisdom of the ancients with modern science to produce the first 100% guaranteed treatment for hair loss. Called the Hair Kit for Men (copyright 1994), this ONE time treatment is the only one to approved by the American Medical Association (AMA) as an absolute preventive to baldness. Our historians, after extensive field study, found the clue in the mystic writting of the Grand Vizier to Sultan Suleyman the Magnicificant, Ibrahim Rustem. But it took years more for our scientists to back his obversations, rites and witchcraft with sound scientific evidence. Hair lost is caused by the hormone testosterone and by removing the glands that produce this testestrone, hair loss is stopped in its tracts! You may worry that removal would require an expensive operation, but nature, in its infinite wisdom, put these destructive glands are on the outside of your body! ME Inc., has developed an instrument that automatically makes a slight incision, removes these unsightly glands, and then staples and bandages the cut. You just attach the tool, cock it, press the button and the spring load relieves your tension about hair lost with a few quick (and almost painless) strokes. How much would you expect to pay? $100? $200? No! For a limited time only, the Hair Kit for Men is mere $29.95. But wait, there is more. For absolutely free, we will enclose a ziplock bag printed with the message "Warning, biological wastes" to help you disposal of those useless glands. Listen to these testimonials: From Robert: When my first hair started falling out, I was scared, but after receiving my Hair Kit for Men, not only did my hair loss completely stop, but my concentration and work habits have improved. Now when studying in the library and a co-ed walks by without a bra and wearing a skin tight short skirt, I don't even glance up. This New Year day I didn't watch a single football game! The improved concentration has changed me from a dumb jock into a Dean's list honor student. My parents were never so proud! From Jack: Not only did the Hair Kit for Men stop my hair loss, but it prevents the growth of unwanted hair! I never will have to shave again! My savings in razors alone made up the purchase price many times over. Now I have no use for my Dad's old Razor Strop. I feel like a new man. From Jennifer: On my husband's birthday, I surprised him with the Hair Kit for Men while he was asleep. This Christmas, for the first time ever, he didn't buy me skimpy, too tight, impractical lingerie as a present, but useful cotten briefs. The Hair kit has even reduced the number of headaches I have at night. As a family, it has drawn us closer: we now both sing soprano in the church choir. So just E-mail your Visa, Mastercard or American Express number, with expiration date, to ME@ME.COM, and ME Inc. will send you the Hair Kit for Men for the low cost of $29.95 plus $99.99 for shipping and handling. So confident is ME Inc. that Hair Kit for Men will change your life, we don't even offer a money back guarantee should you not like the product. Besides preventing baldness, the AMA approves this procedure for prevention of prostrate and bladder cancers, heart disease, and even violent death. It has been shown to increase IQ and decrease fights in married couples. Order now, before this offer expires in 2016. If you can't use it, buy one for you husband or boyfriend. Remember, not only is my wife, a medical doctor, the owner and founder of Mertus Enterprises Inc., but I was its first member. Warning: May cause weight gain and not to be used in domestic disputes. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Grandpa and Grandma were walking outdoors when a pigeon flew overhead. The bird took this moment to relieve itself and its package landed squarely on Grandpa's head. Seeing the mess, Grandma said, "I wish we had some toilet tissue." Grandpa said, "What good would it do. He's probably a half a mile away by now." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ One day an explorer is out in the jungle. As he wanders along, he comes upon an elephant, crying with pain, a large thorn lodged in its foot. Feeling sorry for the elephant, the man carefully pulls out the thorn. The elephant looks at him gratefully, then limps off into the jungle. Many years later, the same man vists a circus, and sits in the front row. The elephant acts come on, but one of the elephants keeps looking over at the explorer. Eventually, the elephant breaks free, runs over to him... then picks the man up with his trunk, dashes him to the ground, and tramples him to death with his mighty feet. Why did the elephant do this? It wasn't the same elephant. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ After many unhappy replies from our current vending service we decided that what they really needed was a different form letter that was more closely tied to their true feeling: ========================================= BFD Vending Service Thank you for your inquiry/comments/complaints about our vending service. ___ We are aware that _____________ machine has not been stocked in _____ days. ___ We are waiting for the weekend. ___ We are out of items that have expired. ___ We're busy, don't bother us about this. ___ We don't care. ___ We are aware that the price for __________ seems high at $_______ but, ___ we have to make a living. ___ we use an algorithm 3*retail+your_age. ___ we charge others more. ___ we adjust it to allow for spoilage. ___ We are aware that ___ the sodas are warm ___ the milk is curdled ___ sandwiches are stale ___ gum is hard ___ candy bars are petrified and assure you that that is the way it is supposed to be, really. ___ We understand that ___ the bill changer can't, ___ coin return won't, ___ product selection doesn't, and believe that ___ you should relax, it all evens out. ___ learn to live with it. ___ bring in your own change next time. ___ be happy it gave you anything. ___ quit eating so much junk food. Thank you and Happy Eating. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The O.J. Simpson trial racked up another first today; surely the first time that someone has fled persecution in the U.S. to seek asylum in El Salvador... [For non-USAians: Rosa Lopez, a defense witness, returned to her native El Salvador today, unable to deal with the relentless hounding of the media. She was greeted upon arrival in her country village by representatives of the U.S. press.] ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ 50 WAYS TO CONFUSE, WORRY, OR JUST SCARE PEOPLE IN THE COMPUTER LAB 1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt. 2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you. 3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour. 4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evily. 5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with. 6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again. 7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk. 8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files. 9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know. 10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on. 11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously. 12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing. 13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing. 14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting. 15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot." 16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes. 17. "DISK FIGHT!!!" 18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends). 19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw. 20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required. 21. Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless. 22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disk drive. When it doesn't work, get the supervisor. 23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is. 24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line. 25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you. 26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you, grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger. 27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave. 28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you. 29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic. 30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions. 31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working. 32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking. 33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way. 34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse. 35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it. 36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun. 37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best. 38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab. 39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave. 40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.) 41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go. 42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again. 43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them. 44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger. 45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost. 46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work. 47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out. 48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type. 49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week". 50. Two words: Tesla Coil. +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ Yesterday morning, a couple of friends and I were sitting around at the Northern Renaissance Faire when the discussion turned to languages -- most notably Old English, Irish Gaelic and, inevitably, Welsh. It is quite interesting discussing these in a frame of mind meant to emulate that of the latter 1500s. Now, Welsh is a most peculiar language in that it appears to have words which turn out to look more like acronyms, or the linguistic equivalent of line noise. If you've ever seen Welsh written out, you know what I mean -- each word is typically a bunch of consonants with a few vowels sprinkled here and there for flavor, and is in no way connected with a word that sounds like its Anglo-Latin equivalent. Take, for example, the word "Wales" -- the name of their own country. They spell it "CYMRU". Makes perfect sense, right? Yeah, thought so. It looks more like an acronym for "Celtic Youth Mythical Research Union", or something like that. And that's just one of the *short* words (ask someone who is a bit more familiar with Welsh to come up with a longer one -- they can achieve twenty or more letters in one word, and you're lucky if there's more than two vowels in the bunch). Well, we finally figured out what must have happened. Ages ago, long before the latter 1500s, there must have been a large exodus from Wales which eventually settled in what is now called Hawaii. ...and they took all the vowels with them when they left. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The August 21, 1994, edition of the _Denver Post_ carried an article written by Frank Scandale. The title of the article is "Hard labor: Can Dad master child care?". Mr. Scandale elaborates a bit about his dysfunctional state of mind which resulted from a stint of caring for his two pre-school children. One particular sentence will probably qualify for Richard Lederer's _Anguished English_, and is as follows: The truth is, the most any man who cares for two children under the age of 2 at home can hope for in a job is opening cans in his underwear. My imaginative mind creates strange images of this described situation. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Subject: Three Men in a Boat There were three old guys who decided to go fishing on a very Hot July day. They picked a small lake because they had a small boat, and they packed a large cooler full of beer. After they had fished and drank for some time, old Charlie decided that he needed to take a leak. The other two guys told him to go to the back of the boat and take care of his business. About fifteen minutes passed and one of the guys asked where old Charlie was? They both turned around and to their surprise old Charlie was not there! They were stuned because old Charlie did not know how to swim. So one of the guys decided that he would dive in and see if he could find Charlie. After two attempts he managed to find this guy and with the help of the other fisherman, they got him back into the boat. One guy started mouth to mouth resperation, while the other guy started pounding on the fellows chest, to get the hart started. About ten minutes passed and the fellow that was doing the mouth to mouth pulled back and remarked that he didn't remember old Charlie's breath being this bad earlier this morning... and the other fellow remarked that - come to think it, he "didn't remember that Old Charlie was wearing a snowmobile suit either! " ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Subject: THEORY of EVERYTHING! One day soon, the theory of everything will arrive and gravity may come under our control. Life will never be the same ... Here are some headlines from the future: MISSING FLIGHT - NEWS Latest news reports confirm that passengers on Flight 303 to Tokyo are alive and well - but not in this galaxy. MACY'S CLOSED BY FLYING FISH The New York department store was closed yesterday when a flying fish partially demolished the building. This one was a 200-ton Blue Whale. Japanese fishermen are known to be angry over a ban on whaling. NO CHANGE AT NEPTUNE The recent proposal to move Neptunes moon Triton from its retrograde motion around the giant planet, and into a prograde orbit, has been rejected by a senate Sub-Committee. Claims that the retrograde motion was untidy have been dismissed. MOON RETURNED TO EARTH ORBIT Careful manoeuvring by NASA scientists has at last returned the Moon to its former orbit around the earth. It had been found orbiting Uranus after mysteriously disappearing last week. Teenage hackers who broke into a NASA computer are thought to be the cause. MacDOWELLS PROMOTION Is it a balloon? people were asking this week after a large circular object was spotted tethered to the one of the hamburger chains eateries. In fact, it was 1,000 pound Al Stuffit on his first outing since increasing weight - and gravity - confined him to his bed when his weight exceeded 500 pounds. With his new Hughes Aircraft Anti-Gravity Belt, he can get about once more. His burgers and Big Max are placed in a bucket which he hauls up. He eats free, but only at MacDowells. But he doesn't want people to think his life is devoted to gluttony - MacDowells only open 8am to 11pm. Similar sightings have been reported in other cities and it is understood that a race is on to become the world's heaviest man. The winner will gain a valuable prize - a permanent place in earth orbit, where bone fractures are unlikely. WORLD'S FIRST HOTEL WITH NO BEDS Hughes Aircraft Company have announced the acquisition of the Hotel Astor in Acapulco. All 600 beds have been removed and distributed among the poor. Future guests will be supplied with Anti-Gravity Belts and will simply float up to the ceilings, which have been specially padded and fitted with pillows. The disaster at the experimental Las Vegas sleep-in, when 700 gamblers plunged to the floor without warning at 3am will not happen in Acapulco, where frequent power cuts are a worry. Emergency power supplies are being installed. WEIGHT LIFTER DISQUALIFIED Olympic gold medallist Alwyn Upheave has been disqualified from the Wagga Wagga Olympics in an anti-gravity scandal. A search revealed secret Hughes Aircraft Co gadgets concealed in his navel. An officlal said: "We would have believed it if he just added a couple of pounds to the world record - but this guy tried to kid us he could hoist twelve tons. We were very suspicious." LONDON BUS FOUND IN CRATER ON MOON One of Londons famous red double-decker buses has been sighted in a small crater in the Sea of Tranquillity. This is the latest in a spate of disappearances which have been blamed on students. Other buses have been found orbiting Jupiter, frozen in the polar ice, inside Fort Knox, on the White House lawn, at the summit of Mount Everest and one landed in the middle of the pitch at Yankee Stadium during a Superbowl game. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ I heard this at a meeting where a Utah potato farmer was speaking: A restaurant called an potato supplier and asked for 100 lb of their biggest potatoes. The supplier said "sorry, we don't cut up a potato for anybody". At a friend's 21st birthday party recently, my mother introduced me to another guest. "This is Peter," she said, "you were at his fourth birthday party." I didn't recognise the guy at all, and it's obvious he was thinking the same thing, as he turned to me and said, "Oh! That must have been some party - I don't remember you at all!" What happens if you put the Energizer Bunny's battery in backwards? He keeps coming, and coming, and coming... ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ I just got the 94/95 seminar catalog from The American Management Association. In it, is this gem: "Cash Flow: The New Benchmark for Finance and Operations" The tag line is: "Add value to your entire organization by learning the importance of cash flow throughout your business operations." So, cash flow is a _new_ concept?! What's next? "Breathing: The New Method for Personal Survival" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ What is it with men wanting to go out hunting all the time? They say they want to go do the manly thing, get back to the basics. Do you see women wanting to get back to the basics? Did you ever hear a woman say "Look, honey, I did the laundry without using running water or electricity"? Of course not, women know when they have it good. This proves the natural superiority of women. One of our users discovered that the email spool directory was completely full. He told everyone in the company, by email. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Two golfers agreed to play the ball as it lay. At the sixth tee, they were dead even. The first player hit his drive 260 yds down the middle of the fairway. The second duffer shanked his shot well over the trees and onto a concrete cart path. "I get free relief from the cart path," the errant player said to his companion as they drove toward their balls. "Hell no you don't" his partner barked "we're playing it as it lays." Without another word, the second player dropped his friend off at his ball and headed toward the path. The first golfer laughed as he saw sparks fly from his opponents practice swing, Then was silenced as a second set of sparks sent the ball flying over the trees and onto the green, landing three feet from the pin. "Great shot!" he shouted. "What club did you use?" "Your six iron!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Subject: International sex In France and Italy, people seduce each other. In Brazil, they don't have seduction, they just have sex, and are laid back about it in a way many uptight Englanders might find loose-moraled. In Sweden, they don't have seduction either. Any sex that may occur usually happens during a discussion on Third World debt, or the ozone layer, or something equally mind-broadening. Any attempt to seduce a Swede will result in a patronising lecture on safe sex. In Singapore, they don't have seduction either. Ordinary people live in towering government-built apartment blocks, most of which have a social committee which receives funding from Singapore's government to throw parties to get the socially inept technocrats to socialise and marry and have children to make more Chinese than Malays and Indians (who have a higher birth rate). For the same reason, the National University of Singapore's Engineering faculty is built next to the Accounting department, so the male engineers meet the female accountants, get married, and have Chinese children. South of Harlem and north of downtown Manhattan, and either side of midtown, is where the rich whites live, and where half the people are too busy to even think about something as frivolous as romance, while the other half are too busy seeing their shrinks because they can't find romance. Anyone they do meet faces a barrage of questions about their career paths, medical insurance plans, and past drug and divorce offenses. People who live in Connecticut and upstate New York, who commute to Manhattan every day (so-called "mainline snobs" because they never use the subway) seduce each other on the train home, where they scope each other out on the train for a few days, then strike up a conversation a couple of minutes before one of them gets off (so that if the other person is an asshole, the conversation will shortly end anyway) and arrange a lunch date back in Manhattan. This ensures that rich professional mainline snobs mix with other rich professionals. Near (but not in) Washington D.C., in the neighbouring suburbs in Maryland and across the river in Virginia, the first thing single people talk about having met an attractive potential partner is politics. Tax-and-spend liberals won't go out with Dickensian conservatives, gun nuts won't touch screaming heart civil libertarians, lobbiests for oil companies won't date lobbiests for clean air, and all the fine shades of political opinion are more important than opinions about anything else, physical attractiveness, intellectual prowess, and personality. In Germany, people can talk about their emotions up-front and realistically. SCENE: Frankfurt-am-Main, Germany Helmut: So Hans, how is Helga these days? Hans: Helga says that unless I stop sleeping around and spend more time at home, she's going to leave me and contest custody of the kids. Helmut: I think Helga has a point - if you really loved her, you wouldn't pay for Eva's flat. Hans: The first few years with Helga were great, but I really don't love her any more. People from other cultures find this Teutonic efficiency a little bloodless and dehumanised, as if they discuss their emotions like they discuss their shopping list, or desired options in their new Opel. In most of Australia, people are afraid to say what they think, for fear of offending someone else and for someone else hurting them. Instead, they talk about safe trivialities. SCENE: Kensington, NSW Warren: So Harry, how is Janet these days? Harry: She's been very strange lately. [Tense] Warren: Oh? [Nervous tone of voice] Harry: Yeah. Warren: [Changing the subject] How's the new Falcon? Harry: It's alright, but typical Australian-made stuff.... Foreigners are shocked to find that the only way to seduce an Australian is to pretend to be almost completely disinterested. Any show of romantic interest will cause the non-risk-taking Australian to go scurrying of to their friends for security. Any effort to be warm, caring, and supportive to an Australian woman will cause her to reciprocate only because she thinks you must be gay, and thus free of emotional risks. __________________________________________________________________ Paul Darwen darwen[at]canth.cs.adfa.oz.au Department of Computer Science Australian Defence Force Academy Canberra __________________________________________________________________ Two Belgians are digging a deep hole while a Dutch foreman stands at the top of the hole and gives them orders. The slightly more intelligent Belgian asks, "Why are we digging while he stands up there and does nothing?" "I dunno," says the slightly less intelligent Belgian, and climbs up out of the hole to ask the foreman the same question. "Well," says the Dutchman, "I've got a thing called 'brains', which you wouldn't know anything about, and that's why I'm the foreman and you're the laborer." "What are brains?" asks the Belgian. "I'll show you," answers the foreman, placing his hand against a tree. "I want you to hit my hand as hard as you can." The Belgian winds up and swings, but the Dutchman pulls his hand away at the last second and the Belgian ends up with bloody knuckles. "That's brains," says the foreman, "so get back to work." The Belgian nods and descends into the hole, where he leans on his shovel and begins instructing the other man where to dig, and how fast. "Why do you get to give me orders all of a sudden?" asks the man who had stayed in the hole. "It's about brains, which you wouldn't know anything about." "What are brains?" (Holding his hand in front of his face) "Hit my hand as hard as you can..." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The biggest cause of annoyance on the net is people at a new site, who don't know the proper way to behave, nor that we've already heard most of the light-bulb jokes. (The second biggest is new users at established sites, with the same problem. The third is old users at old sites who never learn, and the fourth is people like me who pontificate on the failings of the first three groups.) An article on netiquette has been produced to educate such people, but there is no guarantee that anyone pays attention to it. Therefore, I propose the Network Driver's License Exam. Anyone can be a passenger on the net (read the news), but only those who have passed the exam can submit new articles. (Depending on state law, one might also have to provide proof of libelity insurance.) Administration of the exam and maintenance of the list of drivers will be handled by yet another "feature" of the news software. Part I of the exam will test general intelligence and cultural awareness. Sample questions: (a) What's green and sits on the lawn? (b) How many C programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? (c) Who said "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy" ? (d) Why is a raven like a writing desk? Part II of the exam will test grammar and spelling. The wordlist includes kernal, grammer, competance, maintainence, and beleive. The examinee will also have to swear (in the name of God or of Evolution) that he/she/it believes that careful construction of words and sentences enhances communication. Part III of the test is the biggie; it will present hypothetical situations in the use of news, and test the examinee's response. Sample questions: 1) Suppose you read the following article in net.trivia: After the demise of StarTrek, one of the actors got a job on the Mission Impossible TV show, playing a character named Perry. Who was it? Your response is: (a) post a followup, saying "I think it was either George Takei or James Doohan." (b) post a followup, saying you don't remember the actor's name, but pointing out that the character's name was Paris, and that Mission: Impossible has a colon in it. (c) post a followup, containing the single word "Spock". (d) Smile inwardly with the satisfaction that you know the correct answer, and do nothing. 2) As a graduate student at the University of Southern North Dakota, you realize what a marvelous thing the net is, and wonder if you can send a message to your old professor back at the University of New Mexico at Truth or Consequences. In order to answer this question you: (a) post a note on net.general, asking for such a path. (b) run a few egreps on the usenet map to find out for yourself. (c) write a program to turn the usenet map into an Ingres database to make the problem easier to answer. (d) bug your administrator until he installs nmail. (e) call your professor on the phone, and ask if he's on the net. 3) In reading the news, you come across an article containing the line "fuvg cvff phag shpx pbpxfhpxre zbgureshpxre naq gvgf" What do you do? (a) post a note asking how to read such things. (b) ask your local guru how to read such things. (c) post a note asking if there's a path to the NSA. (d) hold your terminal up to a mirror. Part IV tests knowledge of the mechanics of using news: Suppose you have a file of text that you wish to submit as a followup to a news article, and that you want to move it to a more appropriate newsgroup and give it a better title. Which key do you press? The news licensing system has other merits: licenses may be suspended for such offenses as drunken typing, which will be presumed whenever one tests higher that 10% on the spell-alyzer, or speeding, defined as the hasty submission of poorly thought-out articles. Remember that driving up other peoples phone bills is a privilege, not a right. If you like this idea, send me a suggested exam question. If you don't like this idea, just ignore it, and it will go away. -- void *(*(*schlake())[])(void *); /* http://nmt.edu/~schlake */ ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Lesser Known Sequels of the Classics ------------------------------------ Metamorphosis II Gregor Samsa goes through another mystical transformation, this time from a giant cockroach into a lounge singer. The few people who still felt any compassion for him are now totally repulsed, and he moves away to Vegas. Taming of the Shrew II: Who's the Shrew? The antics begin when Petruchio and Katherine's daughter Bianca (named after her aunt) comes of age and turns out to be quite a shrew herself. Katherine at first tries to convince her daughter that good manners are the right way, then turns back to shrewishness herself to show her daughter how unattractive it can be. This all builds to the hilarious climactic scene, where Petruchio beats them both into submission with an ax handle. Huck Finn II Huck has grown up and propspered as a certified public accountant. He decides he likes civilzation after all, though he never does take to wearing shoes, thus his nickname, the "barefoot bookkeeper". Jim leaves the Indians and gets his law degree, and eventually defends the King and Duke who are up on a racketeering charge. Lysistrata II Once again, Lysistrata convinces the women of Athens to boycott sex, this time to convince the men not to lay around and watch wrestling on Sundays. Cinesias tries to convince Myrrhine to lie with him while watching wrestling, but she teases him and then refuses. Some of the men try goats, but decide they don't like them. Eventually the men give in. The Farther Adventures of Robinson Crusoe Robinson Crusoe uses the money he inherited from the Brazilian plantation to start up a small cruise company. One day while taking out five passengers on a three hour tour to the Isle of Wight, a storm breaks out. He and his first mate Friday (a mighty sailing man) do their best, but lose control of the boat. Eventually, it crashes on a deserted island. The rest of the book describes the antics that occur when they almost get rescued several times, but Friday screws it up each time. Undeath of a Salesman Willy Loman comes back from the dead as a vampire. His hypnotic control over his customers reestablishes his life as a salesman. He convinces Biff (no relation to B1FF) to go into professional football, where he becomes a big star but loses respect for his father when he does an advertisement for nylons. The Divine Tragedy In this controversial sequel, Dante travels through New York City, Billings (Montana), and Salt Lake City. The controversy is over the origin. Joseph Smith claimed that Dante dictated this book to him in dreams, which literary critics have shown a lot of skepticism about. The Bible II Of the Dead Sea Scrolls, these were the only ones that were deliberately lost. They recount the tale of how Jesus descended back out of Heaven and became a lounge singer. Even his staunchest followers deserted him for this, and when Peter finally left he moved to Vegas and got a regular gig at the Tropicana changing water into wine. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ How do we know that Adam and Eve were White? Ever try to take a rib from a black man before? Who are the 3 most important women in black history? Aunt Jemima(or however the syrup is spelled) Diana Ross Mother fucker A couple days ago, the local paper had a story about the Washington Department of Motor Vehicles employee whose job is to make sure personalized plates are politically correct, non-offensive, whatever. One that got past was "FUQAMI." The person who wanted the plate convinced DMV that it was an Indian name of some sort, but another motorist complained about it, and the plate was withdrawn. The plate was surrounded by a frame which read "Where the" on top and "I'm lost!" on the bottom: +--------------------+ | WHERE THE | ++------------------++ || || || F U Q U A M I || || || || Washington || ++------------------++ | I'M LOST! | ++------------------++ ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A new hire at a large company has a problem and seeks help from his fellow employees. First he asks a Marketing guy. "How much is 1+1?". "Two.", answers the marketer. Then he asks an engineer. "How much is 1+1?". The engineer responds - "2.00000000000000". Then the guy walks into the accountants office. "How much is 1+1?", he asks. The accountant jumps up, shuts the door and draws the the blinds and then whispers quietly to the guy - "how much do you want it to be?". I don't recall the baseball game I was watching last week but in the (near empty) stands, the camera showed to life-sized blowup dolls sitting in 2 seats. Their arms were on the arm rests, they were sitting up and everything. Across their shirts read: "Replacement Fans". I thought it was a riot. Two infamous interchanges between Lady Nancy Astor and Winston Churchill: LA: "If I were your wife, I'd put poisin in your coffee." WC: "If I were your husband, I'd drink it." and LA: "Winston, you are drunk." WC: "Indeed, madam, and you are ugly- but tomorrow *I'll* be sober." > Well, just remember there are three rings in marriage, > > The engagement ring, > The wedding ring, > and the suffer-ring! > > > And of course you must have heard about the three stages of sex in > marriage: > > First stage, newly weds, sex anytime and anywhere, hallways, bedroom, > bathroom, garage,..... > > Second stage, after a few years, usually one or two times a week, at > night and in the bedroom. > > Third stage, a few years later, only in the hallways............ > "FUCK YOU" as you pass each other! Why can't Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder read? Because they're black. Seen on the bumper of a $30K American Car: Toyota-- Brought to you by the same people who brought you Pearl Harbor ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ > 1. Why do Italians wrap their garbage in clear plastic bags? > So the Puerto Ricans can go window shopping. > > 2 How do you circumcise a Puerto Rican? > Kick his sister in the chin. > > 3. why do little Polish girls put fish in their panties? > To smell like big Polish girls. > > 4. What do you call a black man in a tree? > A Branch Manager. > > 5. What's the difference between an Italian Grandmother and an elephant? > About 10 pounds and a black dress. > > 6. How do you keep a black man from drowning? > Take your foot off his head. > > 7. Why was the Puerto Rican girl still a virgin at 13? > She could outrun her dad. > > 8. Why did the Polish government purchase 200 septic tanks? > As soon as they learn how to drive them, they're going to invade Russia. > > 9. What's the difference between a Jewish girl and a bowl of jello? > The jello moves when you eat it. > > 10. What do you call Jewish foreplay? > Candelight dinner for 2 and three hours of begging. > > 11. What do you call Italian foreplay? > "Hey Gina, you awake?" > > 12. What do you call Mexican foreplay? > "Hey Rosita? Is your husband home?" > > 13. What do you call black foreplay? > "You scream, bitch, I'll kill you!" 14. What do you do when a Polack throws a grenade at you?? Pull the pin and throw it back!! 15. How do you stop an Iraqi tank?? Shoot the guys pushin' it. 16. How do you stop 10 black guys from raping a girl?? Toss 'em a basketball. 17. What do you call a white guy surrounded by 5 black guys? Coach. 18. What do you call a white guy surrounded by 1000 black guys? Warden. 19. What do you call a white guy surrounded by 3.5 million blacks and 3.5 million Puerto Ricans? Mayor Giuliani. 20. A white cop is interviewing witnesses to a homicide. He asks a Black guy, "Where ya from?" The Black guy says, "Zimbabwe." The cop asks an Asian, "Where ya from?" The Asian says, "China." The cop asks a Puerto Rican, "Where ya from?" The Puerto Rican says, "New York." 21. A Chinese man was standing at the Lake of Names throwing rocks into the water. A Black man walked up to him and asked him, "what are you doin'?" The Chinese guy says, "If you can skip a rock across the water, you will find out your heritage. Watch." He skips a rock, and the water sounds like it's saying "Jing-Tau-Kung-Dinau." He tells the Black guy, "The more times it skips, the farther back in your family line you go." The Black guy tries it. The rock skips three times, and the Lake says, "Chim-Pan-Zee!!!!" 22. A white guy is in a bar when a Black guy walks in and orders a drink. After a few minutes, the white guy walks over and says, "Come with me. I have a cool trick to show you." The Black guy walks with him to the roof of the eleven-story building. The white guy walks to the edge and jumps off. He flies down to the street, picks up a newspaper, and walks up the stairs to the roof. The Black guy, clearly impressed, asks him how he did it. The white guy replies, "Well, I have found that if you catch the air just right, you float down to the ground like a feather." The Black guy says, "I'd like to try that." The white guy says, "Go right ahead." The Black guy walks to the edge, steps off, and plummets to the sidewalk, leaving a three-foot hole. Two guys who had been watching the proceedings from across the street started talking. One turned to the other and said, "Boy, Superman must sure hate them niggers!!!" 23. Why does it take a Polish window washer with an eight foot ladder six hours to wash one basement window? He has to dig that damn seven-foot hole to put the ladder in!!! 24. How do you know if a Polish woman is having her period? She is only wearing one sock. 25. How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?? Two. One to hold the lightbulb, the other to drink til the room spins!! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ 3 reasons why I like to boink fat women: 1: You never have to take them out, because no one else ever does, and they don't expect it. 2: Their holes are always tight. 3: And when you're done, there's always food in the fridge. > Going through the Detroit Metro area on I-75 one will see a sign for "Exit > 69, Big Beaver Road". > I have a some friends who were arrested for stealing a road sign that says "Beaver Creek" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ There was a lady learning to play golf, and she was recieving help from the course pro. He gave her a few brief instructions, and sent her on her way. Later.... He caught up with her on the 5th green, and asked how things were going? She said not bad, however I got stung by a bee between the 1st and 2nd hole. The golf pro politly said, "Sounds like your stance is to wide". > Q. How did Helen Keller's parents punish her ? > A1. They rearranged the living room furniture. > A2. They left the plunger in the toilet. A3. They put Saran Wrap on the toilet. > > Q. Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand ? > A. So she can moan with the other. > > Q. How did Helen Keller burn her ear ? > A. Answering the iron. > Q. Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself? A. You would to if your name was ALNEEILMEOIMLMNSADSHSHGHYO (Scream REAL loud) Two Dead Boys Got Up to Play. They Faced Each Other Back to Back, Drew Their Swords and Shot Each Other. If You Don't Believe This Story Is True, You Can Ask the Blind Man. He Saw it, too."---A Friend ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Did you hear about the old couple who were driving behind Lorena Bobbit when she threw the evidence out the window? It hit the windshield of their car with a splat...then fell off to the road.... the old lady turned to her husband and asked.... "did you see the size of the dick on that bug?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Why do they bury lawyers 12 feet under? Cuz deep down, they're good people! There was this guy and he'd been out drinking all night, when he finally decided to leave the pub he found he could hardly walk, he lolled about, fell over, he virtually crawled all the way home, when finally he reached his front door he said to his wife, I must be bloody drunk, I can hardly walk... His wife said. DRUNK, I'll say your DRUNK, you've forgotten your wheelchair... ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ >There was a young man named Dave >Who kept a dead whore in a cave >He said I'll admit >I'm a bit of a shit >But think of the money I save > >There was a vicar named Bings >Whose mind was on heavenly things >But his secret desire >Was a boy in the choir >With an ass like jelly on springs > >An Argentine gaucho named Bruno >Said there is one thing I do know >A woman is fine >A sheep devine >But a Llama is numero Uno. There once was a man named Fritz Who planted an acre of tits They came up in the fall Nipples and all Then he chewed them to bits What's the penalty for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ