컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� 栢� 栢� 栢芳 栢芳 栢栢芳 栢� 栢� 栢栢栢� 栢栢栢� 栢� 栢� 栢栢� 栢栢� 栢�袴栢� 栢� 栢� 栢�谷栢芳 훤袴谷芳 栢栢栢舫 栢栢芳 栢�栢栢�栢� 栢栢栢舫 栢� 栢� 栢붜排栢� 栢栢排� 栢�袴栢� 훤袴暠 栢뵌栢�송舫 栢�袴栢� 栢� 栢� 栢栢�송舫 훤袴栢� 栢� 栢� 栢� 훤� 栢� 栢� 栢� 栢� 栢栢栢芳 휩栢栢排� 栢栢栢�� 훤� 훤� 훤� 훤� 훤� 훤� 훤� 훤袴袴暠 훤袴袴� 훤袴袴� 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� Q: Why do dogs lick their arseholes? A1: Because they can. A2: To get the taste of out of their mouths./// Q: Why do lions lick their arseholes after a meal? A: To get rid of the taste of kaffer! An eskimo drops his Snow mobile off at a garage and asks the mechanic to take a look at it, while he goes out to lunch. The eskimo returns from lunch an hour later and the mechanic says, "looks like you blew a seal". The eskimo says, (wiping his mouth), "nahh it's just a little mayo.".//// 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� Blacks (Racist Etc) There was a black family living near a river, and a legend told that if a black crossed the river, he/she would turn white. The black family decided that they really wanted to be white, so they tried to cross the river. The only catch about the river was that there were piranha in it, crossing at irregular intervals. The father decided that it was worth the risk, and he waded into the river and made it across with no problems. Once he reached the other side, he turned white. "Come on over!" he yelled, "It's great being white!" So the mother attempted to cross. She had almost made it to the other side when she felt a little nibbling on her feet. She hurried up and made it to the other side without any real damage. Upon reaching the other side, the mother also turned white. Both parents yelled at the kids to cross over, so the daughter began her trek. About halfway across, the piranha started biting her. Somehow she made it to the other side, with only a few scratches and cuts. The son decided that he had to join his family, regardless of the consequences, so he waded into the river and the piranha immediately started tearing into him. He made it about halfway across and he could go no further. He yelled to his family, asking for help, and they yelled back "We don't help niggers!"/// What are the first five words a nigger in a three piece tailored suit hears? Will the defendant please rise/// What do you say to a nigger with a shirt and a tie ? One Big Mac, large fries and a medium coke /// What are the first 3 words a puerto rican baby learns? "Attention K-Mart Shoppers!"/// An Italian, a Chinese, and a Mexican are stuck on an island just a mile off the mainland. But the water is surrounded by hungry sharks. The Italian says, "That's it, I've had. I'm going to try to swim and make it to shore". He dives in the water and just like that, the sharks have a feeding frenzy and rip him to shreds. The Chinese too, is fed up. "I going to swim to shore, I can make it!". He jumps in the water, and before he can get 1/2 way, the sharks attack and rip him to pieces. The Mexican, now lonely and despondent, decides what the hell, he might as well go for it and commit suicide. So he jumps in and slowly paddles his way to shore. And much to his amazement, he makes it to the mainland! "Oh chihuahua! I can't believe it! Why oh why, he cries out to the sharks, didn't you try to eat me too ?" The sharks say, "Hell no, last time we had Mexican we had suuccchhhh a case of the shits ...!"/// 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� Blind A blind guy goes into a lumberyard to apply for a job. The manager is a bit flustered and says, "Sir, I don't mean to be offensive, but the job is for a cashier and, well.... you'd need to be able to see to know how to price the wood." "Not at all," the blind guy replied. "I can tell everything about a piece of wood by its smell." The manager challenged him to prove that and so they went out to the storage area. The blind guy walked along a board, smelling and sniffing, and said, "That's a 2 x 4 x 10 pine from the piney woods of East Texas brought down on an 18 wheeler." The manager is astonished. "Can you do it again?" "All day long," the blind guy says. Sure enough, on the second piece of wood he says, "This is a 2 x 6 x 24 spruce from the great spruce forest in Washington state, brought down here on a flatcar." "You got the job, buddy," the manager says. As they are walking through the office he gets an idea and stops. "Hey, would you mind trying one more piece of wood?" When the blind guy says yes, the manager quietly asks the secretary to take off her clothes and lay face up on a desk. The blind guy sniffs and sniffs, stops, and thinks. "Hmmm," he says, "would you mind turning that piece of wood over?" The manager signals and the secretary turns over, face down. Again, the blind man sniffs. He pauses and then suddenly smiles -- "I got it! It's a shithouse door off a tuna boat!"/// A blind man with a seeing eye dog walk into the department store. The man grabs the dog by the tail and swings the dog over his head several times, then sets the dog down. The store manager asks if the man needs assistance. The blind man replies "No thanks, I'm just looking around"/// 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� Christmas What did the reindeer wives do when the big fellows were out helping Santa? They were down at the Elk's club blowing a few bucks./// On Christmas, a 5 year old boy asks his mom, " Mom will I get anything from Santa today". Mom says, " No you have been a really bad boy, but if you write a letter promising to be a good boy next year he might give you a present". Well, after thinking a while boy decides to write to Jesus instead of santa, thinking that Jesus will make Santa to bring him a present. So he writes : "Dear Jesus, I promise to be a good boy for the next year" After thinking about that he decides that it is a big promise, so he writes. "Dear Jesus, I promise to be a good boy for the next month". And this continues, until boy decides that he can't be good boy even for one day. Well, next day boy goes to church and steels an icon of Virgin Mary, brings it home and starts writing the letter: "Dear Jesus, If you want to see your mother again..."./// 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� French Jacques, the famous French fighter pilot, is wanted by women all over the globe. He is on a particularly hot date with a woman, and after a fine meal they return to his home. Things progress and soon she is naked and they are fooling around on the couch. As Jacques starts to kiss her breasts, he suddenly jumps up, grabs the bottle of white wine next to the couch, and pours it all over her breasts. The woman squeals with delight. "Ohhh, Jacques, what are you doing?" He says, "It's Jacques, the famous French fighter pilot, and I always have white wine with my white meat." He continues kissing her, moving slowly down her body. When he reaches her stomach, he sits up again, this time grabbing a bottle of red wine. He douses her stomach with the red wine, filling her bellybutton up. The woman squeals again. "Ohhh, Jacques! What are you doing?" He says, "It's Jacques, the famous French figher pilot, and I always have red wine with my dark meat." Jacques drinks up the red wine from her bellybutton. The woman is hot and loving it. As he moves lower, reaching her pussy, he suddenly leaps up, grabs a bottle of brandy, douses her pussy, and lights it on fire. The woman screams. "eeeeeeekkk! Jacques, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?" He says, calmly, "It is Jacques, the famous French fighter pilot, and I always go down in flames."/// Did you hear the French army had a sale on guns? The motto is "Never fired, only dropped once."/// Why are there so many tree lined boulevards in Paris? The Germans like to march in the shade./// Why was France conquered by Germany? The French would throw grenades at the Germans, the Germans would pull the pins and throw them back./// Why do Frenchmen grow goatees? To look like their mothers./// A guy walks into a pub, orders a pint, and has a look around. The bar is completely empty apart from a pair of siamese twins sat in the corner. Being a sociable chap he goes across and starts a conversation. One of the twins is fairly talkative but the other is rather quiet. He has a discussion with the talkative one about the football and the weather, and finally starts talking about holidays. "Where are you going on holiday", he asks the twin. "To France, we always go to France", the twin replies. "If you always go to France you must like French cuisine", the guy says. "No we both hate the garlic filled muck", replies the twin. "Well", the guy says, "If you don't like the cooking, you must like the wine". "No", the twin replies,"We both prefer a nice pint of bitter" "I know then",the guy says, "You go for the women" "None of the women fancy siamese twins", the twin says miserably. "Let's get this right then", the guy says, "You don't like the food, you don't like the wine, and the women don't like you. So why do you go to France every year? "Well", says the twin, "It's the only chance my brother gets to drive!"/// What was Tasha's job on the Enterprise? Data entry! PS. What do you call a Russian prostitute? Onya Backyabich. Why do women have periods? They deserve them. Whats the difference between a truck load of dead vietnamese and a truck load of bricks? You can't unload bricks with a pitchfork! Whats the difference between a dead vietnamese baby and a bowling ball? You can't eat a bowling ball. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� Curtis Novak (curt[at]lanl.gov) wrote: : There was a naked woman 5 feet in front a mathematician and he was told : that every 30 seconds he could move his face closer to the crotch, but he : could only move closer by half the distance that separated them. Well of : course he was not going to be tricked by this one and he refused knowing that : he would never reach her. i always heard this one a bit different: a mathematician and an engineer are presented with the same problem - each is put in a room with a (naked) woman and told that each minute, they can half the distance closer. so, would they ever get to the woman? the mathematician answers, 'no, never' the engineer answers, 'for all intents and purposes, yes' A hot dog, a cucumber and a penis were talking about how bad their lives were. The hot dog says, "I have it real bad. My whole life, I get boiled, speared, barbecued and fried." The cucumber replies, "Oh yeah? Well I get diced, chopped up, drowned in vinegar!". The penis then responds, "Big deal. First, I get a plastic bag thrown over my head. Then I'm rammed into a dark cave, and forced to do pushups until I puke!" A young man comes home from his first semester at college: "Pop, I think my roommate is a homosexual." "Why do you think that, son?" "His dick tastes like shit." Enough realities, we want promises! -- graffiti seen in Lima, Peru 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� nigger: doctor i`m covered in all these pink spots please help. doctor: here take these tablets. 1 week later nigger: thank you doctor they worked, what were they? doctor: it was shit, you just needed topping up. ............................................................... why have they cut down all the trees in brixton (or any black town)? a: to make the niggers walk to work like the rest of us. ................................................................. why do black mens cars have such small steering wheels? a: so they can drive with their handcuffs on. .................................................................. this one was emailed to me why wouldn`t you run over a nigger riding a bike? a: it might be your bike. ..................................................................... why will all hispanics be gone in one year? because the colored people found out they taste like chicken!!!!! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� I remember way back to our very first date In the back seat of me car I wanted you to go all the way But you wouldn't go that far I wanted you to hold me dick You wanted to hold me hand And when I accidently brushed your tit I just blew it and come in me pants And it was over... ...Before it began I'll never forget the strain and the sweat As I fumbled with your gear 100% with the windows wound up So your mum and dad wouldn't hear Trying me best to unzip your dress And unhook your bra with one hand And just as I thought I was doing alright I blew it and come in me pants And it was over... ...Before it began Blouses and buttons and belts and buckles And "stop it I'm getting cold!" First time I'd had a tit in me mouth Since I was 9 months old I had lover's balls and you had no idea Of the pitch of me passion and pain And when you accidently flicked me dick I just come in pants again.... ...oh shit! And again! You wouldn't give and I wouldn't budge And we couldn't seem to agree You got the giggles and I got the shits And you wouldn't talk to me Then we made up and we started again Your dad banged on the roof and he yelled "What're you two kids up to in there?!" And I shit in me pants as well And it was over... ...Before it began You hear people say that they'd love to go back And do things that they did in the past But if you reckon those are the real good old days You can go stick em right up your arse Cos now, when I look back on me life With a tear in me eye I recall How me, I had a cunt of a life But me undies had a ball And it was over... ...Before it began 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� Mommy mommy, i don't like hamburgers! Shut up or i'll stick your other arm in the blender! mommy mommy, i don't want spaghetti for dinner! Shut up or I'll rip all the veins out of your other arm! Mommy mommy, what happened to my scab collection? Shut up and eat your corn flakes! Ok, the past is gone. Dead. No point thinking about it. The present is already here, & nothing can be done to change it, so just ignore it. The future though, isn't here yet, and never *will* arrive, so why bother about it? The only thing left then is for all of us to just stare, 16 hours a day, at the second littlest toe of our left foot. So this cat kept saying "I'm the messiah, I'm the messiah, I was born of virgin birth" and I knew that half the Roman legion had fucked his mother. He seemed a little simple-minded and I know how that type can go off if you bruise their feelings so I just kind of humored him until he went to sleep and then I snuck off for a drink. A few weeks later I heard that he was executed by the government. I decided to drop by and give my condolences to his mother (who still looked OK for an aging small-town broad) and I was amazed at what awaited me. She was in the later stages of a syphilis infection. I could hardly understand what she was saying at first as her throat was swollen and blackened, but finally I became accustomed to her croaking. Her madness had convinced her that her son had come back to life and brought a message of salvation to the world. Bad business. I'd brought some fish and cakes for her and I left her a few shekels and hit the road. Don't expect me to leave Rome again anytime soon. Colorful hicks are just not my cup of tea. ... If at first you don't succeed, Beat the living shit out of them... 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� Your mother is so fat --- They won't let her wear an X jacket because helicopters keep trying to land on her back. Your mother's lips are so big --- ChapStick had to invent a spray. Your mom is such an alcoholic --- In college her major was Old English, room 800. Your mom is so ugly --- If ugliness were bricks she'd have her own city. Your mom is is so poor --- I saw her kicking a can down the street and when I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving..." Your mom's been on welfare so long --- She has her picture on the food stamp. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� This guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Gimme 10 shots of tequila". While pouring, the bartender looks over and says "So, what's the special occassion?". So the guy leans over the bar and whispers "I just got my first blowjob today". "Well then ", the bartender says while pouring an extra shot, "here, have one on the house". The man replies "Nah, it's OK, if ten shots don't kill the taste, the eleventh one sure won't" This man and woman are fucking away, fast and furious. After awhile, the guy stops and he says "I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore because you're just too dry! Can you do something about that?" "Sure", he says, and goes into the bathroom. A few minutes later she comes back out and they go at it again. The guy says, "Wow! This is great! This is much better! What did you do?" And she says, "Oh, I just peeled the scabs off." A Mexican, an Irishman, and a Pollack escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in. The firemen yell to the Mexican, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Mexican jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away...the Mexican slams into the sidewalk like a tomato. "C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to the Irishman. "Oh no! You're gonne pull the blanket away!" says the Irishman. "No! It's the Mexicans we can't stand! We're OK with the Irish!" "OK." says the Irishman, and he jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the guy is flattened on the pavement like a pancake. Finally, the Pollack steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!" "No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" "No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!" "Look," the Pollack says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it..." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� How do you fuck a fat chick? Go through the folds of skin until you get to one that smells like shit and go back one. Q: What's the difference between a bowling ball and a nigger woman's pussy? A: If you try real hard, you can eat a bowling ball. Q: What's the definition of relative humidity? A: It's the amount of sweat on your balls as you fuck your sister Q: What is the difference between eating pussy and driving in the fog? A: When your eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you. Q: >Why where there two Mexicans on the TV show That's Incredible? A: >One had car insurance and the other was an only child. Q: What do you get if you cross a Mexican with an Octopus? A: I'm not sure, but it sure as fuck can pick cabbage! Q: What do you get when you cross a Chinaman and a Mexican? A: A car thief who can't drive. Q: What do you get when you cross a Pole with a mexican? A: A kid who spray paints on chain-link fences. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� ODE TO CONNIE DUNG There once was a woman named Connie Chung, Who lied to Mrs. Gingrich with her tongue. After that Connie said, "Yes, I admit," "I'm a Pro Clinton Lying Communistic Shit," "So from now on just call me CONNIE DUNG." by robnykvist[at]delphi.com ### #BOYCOTT# ##CBS#NEWS# #### \ / #### ###( ^ )### / ~~~~--__ _--/ \_U_/ / ~-______--~~ / / | ( | ( | * (\~~-----______ _ / \ \ \ \ //\ \ \ ' \ \ \ `` \ \ \ o \ ) ) \ \ \ ) ) / / \ \ \ ( / / / \ \\ ) ' / / /___, \\\ _____, / /___,__; \` ___,_; __,_@__ (_______; (_____; CONNIE CHUNG DUNG: "Just between you and me, Connie's stinkin slant eyed unethical shit doesn't belong on TV." (Woof! Woof! CBS should give the doggie the axe!) PS - Will someone please post CBS's Internet Address? ,-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-, ,-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-, | robnykvist[at]delphi.com | CBS: Chung's Bitchin Sleeze | `-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-` `-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-` 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� A truck driver was pulling away from a truck stop one night, when he spotted a nun hitchhiking. The driver stopped to let the nun in, but the nun wrote on a piece of paper that she just taken a vow of silence and couldn't speak, she then wrote on the paper where she was going and climbed in. After a few miles, the truck driver asked the nun if she could listen to confessions. The nun shook her head no and wrote on the paper that only priests were allowed to do that, but after a pause she wrote that if it was an emergency that she could listen to him. The truck driver told the nun that he had always had this fantasy about making it with a nun. The nun had a great look of surprise on her face and wrote back a reply that she too had a fantasy about making it with a truck driver . Quickly, the driver pulls the rig over to the side of the road and starts to undo his pants when the nun wrote that she was saving the front part for God, but he could enter her from behind! So he does her from behind, and soon they were driving down the road again. After a few more miles, the truck driver starts to feel real guilty about what he just done. He asked her to listen to another confession. He quietly tells her that he never had a fantasy about doing it with a nun. The nun then says aload "I never had a fantasy about doing it with a truck driver either, I was just going to a costume party down the road, and my name is Trent. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� > > Did you hear about the dyslexic policeman? > > He spent all of New Year's Eve night handing out IUDs. > > Did you hear the one about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He built a shrine to SANTA! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� These two statues of lovers stood in the park for decades, so one day the Goddess of Love comes to earth and puts life into the two saying " you've been model examples over the years, now you can have 30 minutes of life - do whatever you wish". So the two run off behind the bushes from which there's a lot of giggling and laughing, after about 15 minutes the two emerge from the bushes. The Goddess reminds them that they've still got 15 minutes of life left. So the two look at each other, and the man says "Ok, now you hold them down while I shit on their heads!!" :> >The Polytechnics in Britain have all changed to Universities over the past :> >few years. Since there's often a university and a poly in the same city, :> >someone had to come up with new names for the new universities. Newcastle :> >Poly couldn't be called Newcastle University cos there's already one, so :> >some bright spark came up with City University of Newcastle upon Tyne. :> >This was all approved until they got some designers to come up with a logo :> >- and they realised what the initials spelt out... :> :> In San Antonio, they nearly had a Sam Houston Institute of Technology... :> They also nearly had a program there in which you could get a BS degree in Engineering and Technology, which means your diploma would read E.A.T. S.H.I.T. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� > Q: What has got two legs and bleeds a lot ? > A: Half a dog ! Q: What's got 110 balls and fucks ducks? A: A shotgun. Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and legs inside your computer? A: Chip. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� The Queen of England is a great horsewoman, and she decided she wanted to buy a fine Kentucky thoroughbred for the royal stable. On being informed of Her Highness's desire, President Clinton invited her to the finest stable in Lexington to pick out any horse she wished. The two heads of state decided to go out for a ride, and just as they were leaving the paddock, the Queen's horse cut a gigantic fart. "Dear me, I'm rather embarrassed," said the Queen, blushing discreetly. "Don't give it another thought," said the President graciously. "Heck, I thought it was the horse." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� If you get TOO bored, you can.... Sharpen your teeth Play Houdini with one of your siblings Braid your dog's hair Clean and polish your belly button Water your dog...see if he grows Wash a tree Knight yourself Name your child Edsel Scare Stephen King Give your cat a mohawk Purr Mow your carpet Play Pat Boone records backwards Vacuum your lawn Whine Rake your carpet Re-elect Richard Nixon Critique "Three's Company" Listen to a painting Play with matches Buff your catRace ferrets Paint your house...Day-Glo Orange Have a formal dinner at White Castle Read Homer in the original Greek Change your mind Learn Greek Watch the sun...see if it moves Stand on your head Stand on someone else's head Build a pyramid Spit shine your Nikes See how long you can stay awake Paint your teeth See how long you can sleep Wear a salad Speak with a forked tongue Get your dog braces Shave a shrub Have a proton fight Watch a car rust Quiver Rotate your carpet Learn to type...with your toes Set up your Christmas tree...in April Buy the Brooklyn Bridge Mail it to a friend Be someone special Go back to square one Factor your social security number Take the fifth Memorize a series of random numbers Read the 1962 Des Moines white pages Join the Foreign Legion Learn Sanskrit Exist...existentially, of course Print counterfeit Confederate money Kick a cabbage Take a picture Sandpaper a mushroom Play solitaire...for cash Abuse your patio furniture Run for Pope Count to a million...fast Make a schematic drawing...of a rock Commit seppuku...with a paper knife Revert Think shallow thoughts Sleep on a bed of nails DON'T toss and turn Boil ice cream Run around in squares Think of quadruple entendres Speak in acronyms Have your pillow X-rayed Drink straight shots...of water Calmly have a nervous breakdown Give your goldfish a perm Fly a brick Play tag...on the Interstate Exorcise a ghost Be blue Be red Paint stripes on a lake Ski Kansas Sleep in freefall Kill a joule Test thin ice...with a pogo stick Apply for a unicorn hunting license Do a good job Crawl Invite the Mansons over for dinner Paint your windows 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� |> Did you hear about the blond that: |> lost her boyfriend because she forgot where she laid him. |> |> thought that asphalt was rectum trouble |> |> was called tapioca because she could be made in a minute |> |> thought her typewriter was pregnant because it missed a period |> |> thought that "no kidding" meant some form of birth control |> |> thought that peter pan was something for under the bed |> |> thought that "moby dick" was a veneral disease |> |> thought that a sanitary belt was a drink from clean shot glass |> |> smelled good only on the right side because she couldn't find the left = |> guard |> |> wore union pants because her best friend was having labor pains |> |> studied 5 days for a urine test |> |> Thought KOTEX was a radio station in Texas. |> |> Though fetus was a character from "Gunsmoke". |> |> went to the out house, put one leg in each hole and shit her pants |> |> thought a mushroom was a place to kiss |> |> was in the indy 500 and had 7 pit stops, 1 for gas and 6 for directions |> |> put 75 holes in her face?...she was learning to eat with a fork |> |> Did you hear about the two blond thieves that stole a calendar? |> They each got 6 months. |> |> Why did the dumb blond's belly button hurt? Her boyfriend is blond, too. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� (Seattle, WA) In a special election, Kurt Cobaine won a stunning victory in his run for the US Senate. Running on a platform that sought equal rights for the dead, Mr Cobain's victory is seen as providing a bright future for all deceased people. In a statement issued to the press, Mr Cobain stated that soon dead people will be provided rights guaranteed to all other Americans. He said, "Dead people are cool." If Mr Cobain remains as popular in the US Senate as he was when he was a singer for the group Nirvana, he pledged that he would seek the office of the Presidency of the United States. He plans to run with Dr Kevorkian as his running mate. More details as they become available. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� A guy walks into a bar and bets the bartender 100 dollars he can bite his right eye. The bartender agrees and the man proceeds to pull out his glass eye and bites it. The man then says, "Double or nothing I can bite my left eye." The bartender figures the guy cannot have two glass eyes so once again he agrees. The man then pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye. The man comes back little later and says to the bartender "Triple or nothing I bet if you slide a shot glass down the bar I will run along next to it and piss in it without spilling a drop. The bartender figures this is impossible so he agrees once again. He slides the shot glass down and the man starts to pee. The man does not even come close to hitting the glass and urine is all over the bar. The bartender, overjoyed by winning his money back starts to jump up and down and shouting with glee. The guy down at the end of the bar starts to pound on it cursing and swearing. The bartender says, "Gee, I wonder whats wrong with him?" The man replies "Oh him, I just bet him 1,000 dollars I could piss all over the bar and make the bartender happy about it." Maria just got married, and being a traditional italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous, but her mother reassured her "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony takes off his shirt, and exposes his hairy chest. Maria runs downstairs to her mother and says"Mama, mama, Ton's got a big hairy chest". "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "all god men have hairy chests. Go upstairs, he'll take care of you." So.. up she went. When she gets up into the bedroom, he takes off his pants, showing his hairy legs. Again Maria runs down the stairs to her mother "Mama, mama, Tony took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!". "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man - go upstairs and he'll take care of you.". So... up she went. When she was up there, Tony takes off his socks, and on his left foot he's missing three toes. When Maria sees this, she runs downstairs. "Mama, mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!". "Stay here" says the mother, "this is a job for mama" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� Q: What's red, lumpy, and goes around & around & around at 70 mph? A: A baby in a blender. Q: What's red, lumpy, and flies into walls at 70 mph? A: A baby in a blender with the lid taken off. Q: Why do you put babies in the blender feet first? A: So you can watch their expression. Two tramps are walking down the street. The first tramp says to the second "Hey I can smell a funny smell, have you just shit your pants ?". The second tramp totally denies this. The two tramps continue down the street when the first tramp says "Are you sure you haven't just sit youself ?" The second tramp replies "I'm fucking sure, look I'll show you" With this he pulls down his pants ant his underwear to show the first tramp. In the middle of his underpants is lying a big steaming piece of shit. The first tramp says "I thought you said you didn't shit yourself" to which the second tramp replies "I haven't, that was there when I found them"/// A guy is showing off his new car and its fancy radio. "This radio is voice-activated", he told his passenger. "You just say what you want and it tunes in the appropriate station." So he says "Country" and immediately the radio finds a country music station. Well, nobody can stand that shit very long, so he quickly says "Classical" and the radio instantly turns to a classical music station. A few minutes later, some fool cuts in front of him. "FUCKIN' TWAT!", he yells. "The most important issue facing this country today is problems in France", says the voice of John Major from the radio....../// 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� There are two buckets of sick, going for a walk one afternoon. As they turn a corner, one of the buckets of sick starts crying. When the other one asks him what the matter is, he says, "I always get a little emotional round here, it's here I was brought up"/// Jack walks into this Icecream store that claims it has every single flavour in the world. Ah ha, he thinks to himself, "I'll have a cunt flavoured icecream" he say to attendant. "No problem" replies the shop assistant. Quickly he reaches down and grabs a cone and proceeds to fill it with some icecream from his large selection behind the counter. "Here ya are, matey" he says as he gives the Jack the iceream. Jack licks his lips and takes a big lick. "Ahhh" he exclaims as he spits it out. "This tastes like shit!!!!". "Sure it does" replies the assistant, "you took too big a lick!!"/// There were two soldiers in Bosnia defending a small village.The first solider says, "I'm dying for a piss, I'll use that trench over there." The second replies, "You can't go in there, they've been fighting hand to hand in that trench, you'll get killed." "O.K. so I'll use that old building then." "You can't go in there either, its been getting shelled all day." "Right then, I'm going into the forrest for a piss." "Don't go in there, you'll be shot!" "I don't care, I'm going for a piss!" With this the first soldier disappeared into the dark forrest. Three hours later and the second soldier was getting worried. He decided to go into the forrest and find his friend. As he neared the trees he saw his friend staggering towards him, dripping with sweat. "Where the hell have you been?" "Oh, I found this woman and we've been having sex for hours, you name it, sideways, backwards, forwards....." "Did she give you a blowjob?" asked the first soldier. "No, I couldn't find her head!"/// 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� Accountants What is the difference between an accountant and an amoebae? One wears a tie./// What does an accountant use as contraception? His personality./// What is the difference between an accountant and a computer? The computer has more of a sense of humour./// 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� America Bill Clinton was just finishing up a December jog on his track when he noticed that someone had peed "Clinton Sucks" in the snow. He wanted to get to the bottom of this so he went to his CIA director and told him to find it out. A few weeks later the director came back and said "I've got bad news and worse news." "Gimme the bad news first," Bill said. "Well," the director said, "the urine was Al Gore's." "And the worse news," Bill replied. "The handwriting was Hillary's," the director said./// One evening, after an intensive workout at the gym, Bill Clinton and Al Gore came to the showers. Side by side, they began to lather up when Bill looked down and exclaimed, "Damn, Al, how'd you get so big??!?" Al replied, "Simple, Bill. I just whack it against the bed post a few times each night." That night, Bill entered his bedroom and walked over to the bed. Dropping his trousers, Bill whacked his 2 inch dick against the bed post several times enjoying the sensuality of the moment. Suddenley Hillary whispered: "Is that you, Al??"//// 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� Animals Remember, a dog isn't just for Christmas. Carved right, it can last you into the new year./// Wife comes home to find the old man shagging the dog in the front room. "My God Henry", she screams, "I know you've had other woman but this time you've gone too far!" "You may be right" he says, "I think I'm stuck."/// Same man bragging to his mate at the pub that he likes to perform oral sex on dogs. "Bloody hell...that's gross....how low down can you get" says his mate. "Well" comes the reply "If I crouch a Pekinese"/// Three dogs are talking at the vets. The alsation turns to the first one and says "what are you her for?" "Being put down" the first dog says. "Why" says the alsation. "Well I got a bad stomach and keep shitting every where and the master can't stand it no more" "Bloody hell" says the alsation "bit drastic...what about you?" "Being put down too" says the second dog. "Can't stop scratching the furniture and the mistress can't stand me any more. What about you what you done?" "Funny you should ask" says the alsation. "I came in the house the other day and the mistress was in the bathroom leaning over, washing her hair. Now she didn't have any clothes on as she just got out of the bath and when I saw her pink round bottom glishing I couldn't help myself. I was on her in a flash...wham bam thank you mam!" "No wonder you're being put down" said the second dog. "Oh no" said the alsation, "I'm just here to get my nails clipped!"/// 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� . . ... :``..': : ````.' :''::' ..:.. : .'' : ``. `: .' : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : :..''''``::. : ...:..' .'' .' .' .::::' :..'''``::::::: ' `:::: `::. `:: :::. ..:```.:'`. ::'`. ..' `:.: :: .: .:``::: .: ..'' ::: : .'' :: : :: :: :: .-~~-.--. : ) .~ ~ -.\ /.- ~~ . > `. .' < ( .- -. ) `- -.-~ `- -' ~-.- -' ( : ) _ _ .-: ~--. : .--~ .-~ .-~ } ~-.-^-.-~ \_ .~ .-~ .~ \ \' \ '_ _ -~ `.`. // . - ~ ~-.__`.`-.// .-~ . - ~ }~ ~ ~-.~-. .' .-~ .-~ :/~-.~-./: /_~_ _ . - ~ ~-.~-._ ~-.< 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Japie owned two very fine retriever dogs. One day a fancy city gent visited the farm and admired the dogs. "Do you do much duck hunting?" he asked Japie. "Duck hunting? Never tried it." "Oh, you certainly should. With two retrievers like that you'd be sure to bag a lot of ducks, "said the gent. The next week Japie invited his neighbour Fanie to come duck hunting and they set off, each leading a dog. After several fruitless hours they had no ducks at all. "I don't think we're actually very good at this duck hunting business," sighed Japie. "Ja, you're right. Maybe we're not throwing the dogs up high enough," suggested Fanie. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 To My Dear Wife .... During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often....... 1. We will wake the children 17 times 2. It's too late 15 times 3. I'm too tired 25 times 4. It's too early 52 times 5. It's too hot 15 times 6. Pretending to be asleep 49 times 7. Window open the neighbours will hear 9 times 8. Backache 12 times 9. Headache 26 times 10. Sunburnt 10 times 11. Your mother will hear us 6 times 12. Not in the mood 21 times 13. Wake the baby 17 times 14. Watching the late TV show 19 times 15. Too sore 9 times 16. New hair-do 14 times During the 36 times that I did succeed, the activity was not entirely satisfactory because 6 times you just lay there, 8 times you reminded me of the crack in the ceiling, 14 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you that I had finished, and once I was afraid I had hurt you because I thought I felt you move. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Koos, who farmed in the Karoo, was suffering from sore feet so he went to see his doctor. "You know what you should do?" said the doctor. "Take a week's holiday at the coast and soak your feet in sea water for half an hour, twice a day. it will do you a lot of good!" So Koos booked in at a Fish Hoek hotel, bought a brand new bucket and set off for the sea. When he got there he approached the life-saver on duty. "Excuse me, meneer," he said, "Could I buy a bucket of sea water?" "Ja, go ahead," said the amused life-saver. "It'll cost you ten cents." So Koos paid the man and lugged the water back to his hotel to soak his feet. That afternoon he was back at the beach with his bucket, but the tide had gone out. He stared in amazement at the sea. "Jislaaik, meneer," he said, "you've done good business today!" Van went to the doctor and was diagnosed as having cancer and only one week to live. He went round and told all his friends he had AIDS and only one week to live. The doctor heard about this and called Van to his rooms. " Van I told you that you have cancer, why are you telling everyone you have AIDS ?" " I don't want all the guys sleeping with my wife when I'm gone." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 > RITA RUDNER'S 50 FACTS ABOUT MEN > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > 1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved. > > 2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. > They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. > > 3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first > few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. > Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush. > > 4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" > usually cancels out the nice of "bald." > > 5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world > where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle. > > 6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when > he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates > he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the > players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, > I have to get off the phone in case they call him. > > 7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during > play-off season. > > 8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important. > > 9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. > Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches. > > 10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals. > > 11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can > ever care about anyone else. > > 12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can > learn in private; in public they have to _know_. > > 13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps. > > 14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my > pillow, instead of a gun. > > 15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men > usually have jobs and bathe. > > 16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that > is a combination address book, telescope and piano. > > 17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." > These 7 words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf. > > 18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire, and > the last log does not burn, he will take it personally. > > 19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough > to get a bikini wax. > > 20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. > Contact me for a list of names. > > 21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man. > > 22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. > Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. > Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy. > > 23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating > goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are > like portable heaters that snore. > > 24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen > a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; > get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo." > > 25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually > on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door. > > 26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or > more types of lettuce, he is serious. > > 27. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he > a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, > you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory > only works on cocoons and butterflies. > > 28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get > tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer. > > 29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record > saying he wished _he_ could be Cary Grant. > > 30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. > > 31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men. > > 32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly. > > 33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the > movie "The Way We Were" twice, voluntarily. > > 34. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and > creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team > win? How's my car?" > > 35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget > ...he didn't lose your number...he didn't die. He just didn't > want to call you. > > 36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked > him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not > with each other." > > 37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it > out of sight of women. > > 38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. > "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a > challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, > "I love you...I want to marry you...I want to have your children." > Sometimes they leave skid marks. > > 39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: > "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: > "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting." > > 40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home > Shopping Network. > > 41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit. > > 42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is > for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit. > > 43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do > because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's > dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men sexually > and emotionally, but we also need men to help us get dressed. > > 44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with > superheros. Women have bad self-images because they grow up > identifying with Barbie. > > 45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she > will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from > his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk. > > 46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With > female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. With male > menopause, you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles. > > 47. Men forget everything; women remember everything. > > 48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already > forgotten what happened. > > 49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony. > > 50. All men would still really like to own a train set. ... 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 New Official Politically Correct Terms for 1991 - You Must Comply old new conservative reactionary The Establishment White Power Elite hearing person temporarily aurally abled sighted person temporarily visually abled blind visually challenged mute vocally challenged deaf aurally challenged dead metabolically different alive temporarily metabolically abled ugly aesthetically challenged fat gravitationally challenged heavy-set people of mass rude politically correct (tm) psychopath socially misaligned crooked ethically challenged klutzy kinesthetically challenged bald follicularly challenged short differently statured non-white, non-male oppressed white melanin impoverished / genetically oppressive white male oppressor black african-american asian asian-american afro-american african-american minority group numerically challenged group black person of color Chicano person of color weird green freak person of color female person of gender drooling drunk idiot person on floor minority group under-represented population group of blacks under-represented population of persons of color group of whites L.A.P.D. woman womyn women wymin girl pre-womyn man oppressor boy oppressor-to-be pregnancy parasitic oppression janitor sanitation engineer disabled car mechanically challenged car dish washer utensil sanitizer dairy where cows are raped ranch where cattle are murdered egg ranch where hens are raped biology department where animals are tortured and then murdered to fulfill the sadistic fantasies of white male scientist lackeys of the imperialist drug companies fishing raping the oceans farming exploiting mother earth nhl hockey uniformed fascists vying for superiority paper bag processed tree carcass Many of the labels from the 80's are now passe. Here is a partial list of the denotations that are now acceptable (all labels are subject to change without notice). old 80's 90's deaf hearing impaired aurally challenged blind sight impaired visually challenged retarded mentally handicapped mentally challenged queer gay/homosexual queer (strange but true) fat big boned alternative body image 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 One day two atoms were walking down the street. "I've lost one of my electrons!" said one atom. "Are you sure?" asked the other. "Yes, I'm positive" This australian yuppie is driving in the desert in his brand new yuppie car and sees this hitchhiker standing next to the road... So he thinks 'Oh well, let's give him a lift...'. So typically yuppie he broadies up to the guy, let's down his electric window and asks the man if he wants a lift? The guy says yeah, and he gets in.. The yuppie takes off in a cloud of dust, puts his yuppie Ray-Bans on, turns his yuppie radio a bit louder. Also he stretches so that the hitchhiker can see his yuppie crocodile leather boots and his yuppie socks and his yuppie Rolex and his yuppie etc. etc. So the hitchhiker pulls out a gun and tells him to stop the car. Once stopped the guy tells him to take off his yuppie clothes, and his yuppie silk underclothes, and his yuppie Rolex and his yuppie Ray-Bans and and and. To make a long story short he ties the yuppie's hands to his ankles and takes off in the car. Now it's hot, and the yuppie starts getting an unyuppie-like thirst, and an unyuppie-like sunburn and he is unyuppie-like tired. Eventually he sees a cloud of dust coming closer and waves the car down as bet he can. It is a big truck driver in his eighteen wheeler who turns down his window asks the yuppie what he doing there. So the yuppie tells him his hard luck story about the hitchhiker etc. The guy gets out of the truck, looks him and and down and says 'Yah, it looks like today is just not your lucky day.' (And unzips his trousers.) Heaven was having a contest. The person who died the most violent death got a special mansion. Three men show up at the pearly gates at the same time. St. Peter informs the men of the contest and asks the first one how he died. "Well, you see the factory I work at had a break down and the foreman sent us all home around lunch time. This had never happened before. I suspected my wife of cheating on me, and I thought this was the perfect opportunity to catch her at it. I came into the apartment looking to find the bastard she was screwing and saw nothing. I did smell cigar smoke though, and began hunting through the apartment to find him. I went out on the patio and saw these eight fingers hanging on to the balcony floor, so I began to prise them. I couldn't get them loose, so I ran back in and got a hammer and hammered them off and the bloke fell into the bushes 4 stories below. He wasn't dead though, so I ran back in and got the refrigerator and scooted it to the edge of the balcony and pushed it over on top of him. Then I died of a massive heart attack." St. Peter was impressed. He asked the second fellow how he came to his demise, and he replied "Every afternoon I do an exercise routine on my balcony. This afternoon I decided to do some chin-ups and jumped up and grabbed the balcony above me, when this idiot began to prise my fingers loose. He hammered them till I could hold on no longer and I fell four stories, when I came to, I saw this huge refrigerator coming at me and that's the last thing I remembered." St. Peter was even more impressed. He then turned to the third fellow and asked him the same question. He replied "Well, picture this...I'm sitting in this refrigerator smoking a cigar, minding my own business, when...... 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 There once was an Irishman, Scotsman, and Englishman who got shipwrecked on an island of Moffies.. And to make matters worse, they accidently killed a moffie, thinking it was something to eat....Anyway, the three were eventually captured by the Moffie tribe and brought forward to the Chief Moffie. Now these guys looked really bad, half the tribe had aids and the other half looked dreadful. The chief moffie shouted "silence" to the tribe, and stared at the three trembling men. Your punishment for the killing of one of our fellow moffies, Is "Death or Bonga-Bonga", said the Chief. The three men didn't want to die, and at the same time wondered what Bonga-Bonga was. So the question was asked to the Irishman: Death or Bonga-Bonga, The Irishman answered, "Bonga-bonga" and in a flash a group of Moffies grabbed him and while two held him down, one moffie started to shaft the Irishman up the Arse. It was a dreadful sight.... Next it was the Scotsman's turn, and the same question was put to him. "Death or Bonga-Bonga" said the chief. Well he didn't want to die, so he said "Bonga-bonga" and in a flash another group of moffies grabbed him, and while two held him down, two moffies took it in turn to shaft the poor Scotsman up the Arse. Now the whole time the Englishman had been watching this and was so disgusted by the events, he had decided he'd rather die than be shafted by a couple of Aids riddled moffies. So when the question was asked to him, "Death or Bonga-bonga", the Englishman said "DEATH" and immediately the chief Moffie said, "Right, Death by Bonga-bonga". What's the difference between putting your hand down Dolly Parton's shirt, and driving an Uno? You feel a bigger TIT driving an Uno.... 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Alpha: Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work." Beta: Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work." Computer: Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the "Incompatible File Format" error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler's death, and Duffy began working for IBM. CPU: Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine is a 286, a ferret if it's a 386 and a ferret on speed if it's a 486. Default Directory: Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to. Error message: Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program's shortcomings. File: A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet - except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown. Hardware: Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered. Help: The feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything. Input/Output: Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk. Interim Release: A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance. Memory: Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity. Printer: A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light. Programmers: Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create "user-friendly" software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies. Reference Manual: Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg. Scheduled Release Date: A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it. User-Friendly: Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer. Users: Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor. Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert. - Novice Users. People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer. - Intermediate Users. People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it. - Expert Users. People who break other people's computers. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Deep Thoughts --------------- By Jack Handey It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs. Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind. I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob." I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!" The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition. I'd rather be rich than stupid. If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me." If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward. I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye. When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know. We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me. Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality. To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad. As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!! Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up. You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea. Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done. If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away. If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that. If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy. I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals. Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing. He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun." The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did." Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see. As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy! One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late. If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone. Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like. We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town. I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad. As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint. If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming. When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear. I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur. "Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don't think she would know sensuality if it bite her on the ass." "If you drop your keys into molten lava just let 'em go 'cause, man, they're gone." Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the tresure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He stared telling hes story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though. Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a very beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk. In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you. Blow ye winds, like the trumpet blows; but without that noise. When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, the gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job." I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do. If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the inpression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control. I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away. Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tiptop and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out. I remember that one fateful day when Coach too me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on. When I herad that trees grow a new 'ring' for each year they live, I thought, we humans are kind of like that: we grow a new layer of skin each year, and after many years we are thick and unwieldy from all our skin layers. Martha says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Martha. Grow up. The old pool shooter has won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did all the other cues came crashing to the floor. "Sorry," he said with a smile. If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certain lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tell the reader we are going to have fun with this thing. Even though he was and enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again. If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!" The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine. I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science? I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story. Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. But I think it was just a lucky swing. Too bad there's not such a thing as a golden skunk, because you'd probably be proud to be sprayed by one. To me, truth is not some vauge, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big 'thing'. This is truth, to me. I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh. I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say. Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a defensive wall around myself, a 'shell' if you will. But my shell isn't made out of a hard protective substance. Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags. A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it. If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your underwear, don't stop and think of what other words have 'under' in them, because that's probably the first sign of jungle madness. Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful. Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner nas been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man." I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat as much. I bet for an Indian, shooting a old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do. I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain the makes you want to study the brain. I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fisherman caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy-- something like that. It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Martha cook up about a hundred drumsticks, the the guy at the Marineland says, "You can't throw chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them. Man, wise up. If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted. We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me. It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and really scare you. If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could cover fuses in just one class. It's just too rich a subject. People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the preening. If I live in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That was if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like, "Hey look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everyone would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink. When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I can't think of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that granted me all those wishes. I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick 'Americans' as thier mascot. Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?" If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life. I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits of cheese? They probably break down into their various gases before they even hit. If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think, "Forgive me, but that's just too much." Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opend wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in. If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised. It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight. I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto you buttocks and start yowling and running around. Everyone would think it was funny, and the head movie guy would say, "Hey, let's put him in the movie." What is it that makes a compete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know. Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just call them 'impressions' and it you got a diffrent 'impression' so what, can't we all be brothers? If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like enchiladas, because that's what He's getting! Probably to a shark about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING?! Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Two fags were living together. One morning,when one was leaving for work, the other was jacking off into a condom. The first one asks, "what are you doing". The other one replied, "packing your lunch". 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 In the NSA, the word "kaffir" is taboo. It has therefore been suggested that the people concerned should be called "Jacks" (plural) and "Jack" (singular), which of course stands for 'Just Another Confused Kaffir'. In view of this, the following phrases will apply: Toy-toying person - Jumping Jack Bald black person - KoJack Township dog - Jackrussel Township - Jacksonville Run-over person - Jacksplat Very agitated black person - FlapJack Panga - Jackknife House that falls down soon after - The house that Jack build Coloured person - HalfJack Female black person - Jackess Door always left open - Jackdoor Member of Cosatu - A Union Jack Stupid black person - Jackass Affirmative action - Jacking up the place Sleeping black man - SlumberJack Very fast runner - FleetwoodJack Man sitting on top of church spire - SteepleJack Piccanin - QuarterJack or Jackson Dagga - Jackpot Person who smoked Jackpot - HiJack Shy black person - Jackall Black beauty queen - Jackie Mofokeng Black mechanic - CarJack What Mandela was for 27 years - A Jack-in-the-box Cheating black person - Jack-the-rip-off Very thin black person - Jacklean Garden boy - Jack of spades Golf caddy - Jack of clubs Black man who comes late - e-Jack-u-late Black vampire - Jackula Randy QuarterJack - Little Jack horny Jack in winter - Jackfrost Black handy-man - Jack of all trades 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� One day, little Johnny was sitting on a corner, stirring a bucket of shit. The milkman walked up and said, "Whatcha got there, Johnny?" To which Johnny replied (deep, slow voice is best) "Bucket o' shit." "Whatcha making?" "A Milkman." "Hrummph!" said the Milkman and walked across the street. Next, the Mailman came and said "Whatcha got there Johnny?" "Bucket o' shit." "Whatcha making?" "A Mailman." "Hrummph!" The Mailman walked across the street and began talking to the Milkman. Shortly after, a policeman walked up and had a conversation with the two aggrieved men. He then walked over to Johnny and said, "What do you have there, Johnny?" "Bucket o' shit." "I bet you're making a Policeman." "Nope, ain't got enough shit." One day, Johnny was sitting in the library, calmly flicking small ball bearings around the room. Of course, one of the balls hit the librarian square in the forehead. She stood up and glared around the room and said, "Who has the steel balls," to which Johnny gleefully replied "Superman!" An Auburn student enters a store and orders an RC and a moon pie. The waiter says, "You go to Auburn don't you?" "If I came in here and ordered Sphagetti would you say I'm Italian?" "No.", The waiter replied. "If I ordered a Taco would you say that I'm Mexican?" "No," the waiter says again. "Then how come I order an RC and a moon pie and you say I'm from Auburn?" "Because this is a hardware store." This guy gets into a horrible auto accident and part of the damage form the accident was that his dick was amputated. So, this dude is at the doctor and is desperate. He pleads with the doctor to do something for him, so the doctor tells him that there is a little baby elephant over at the zoo that just died. The doctor says that they can use the elephant's trunk in place of this guy's schlong. The guy is getting all excited and tells the doctor to do it. A few years later the guy is with this incredible babe and they are out for dinner. All of a sudden, she sees this thing come up from under the table and grab a dinner roll and then dissappear back under the table. She screams and asks what the hell it was. He tells her that he has to level with her. A few years ago I had an accident, and my dick was cut off, so the doctor replaced it with the trunk from a baby elephant. She thought that it was amazing and she asked if he could do it again. He hesitatnly said `Yeah, I can do it again, but I don't know if my a*s can take another roll!' 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� What do you call a lesbian dinosaur -- -- lick-a-lot-a-puss What do you call a gay male dinosaur? -- megasoreass Q: Why did all the faggots vote for Clinton? A: Because faggots like assholes better than Bush! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� DK> Q. How many computer programmers does it take to screw in a light DK> bulb? A. That's a hardware problem. Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks". Q: How many operating systems are required to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one-Microsoft is making a special version of Windows for it. Q: How many people does it take to change an object-oriented light bulb? A: Change it? Aw shucks, I was going to reuse it. Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? A: You can unscrew a light bulb. Q: How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet. Q: How many hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Huh?...What? Oh, it's dark in here? Q: How many alt.folklore.urban readers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: It depends on the way the bulb is threaded. A: Two-fifty A: One, to be dying of cancer and request that everybody around the world send him light bulbs so he can get into the Guinness Book of World Records. A: One, who'll do it for food. A: Furrfu! A: One, to have a drink with a strange woman in a bar and pass out, wake up three days later in a seedy hotel room, find a scar on his back, and realize where the light bulb went. Q: How many alt.conspiracy readers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One to do it, one to insist that the CIA was responsible for the old bulb burning out, one to blame it on the Illuminati, one to blame the TLC/CFR/Bilderberg group, Steve Crocker to say that Lyndon LaRouche predicted the bulb would someday burn out whereas the British-dominated establishment was telling us the bulbs would never need to be replaced, Ted Frank to tell everyone they're full of it, and several other people to insist that Ted is a member of the CFR. Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 100-one to announce that it burned out, 10 to agree, and the other 89 to come running in with new light bulbs. Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Mac users don't screw, they just click the genital icon. A: One, but you have to replace the whole motherboard. Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, they just redefine "darkness" as the industry standard. Q: How many Microsoft technical support staff does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: It burned out? You must be using a non-standard socket. Q: How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. There's a primitive for that. Q: How many software designers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: That's a hardware problem. A: Two-one always leaves the company in the middle of a big project. A: One, but if he changes it the whole building will fall down. Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Well, the diagnostics all check out fine, so it's a software problem, dude. A: None, they just have marketing sell the burnt-out bulb as a feature. Q: How many computer journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five-one to write a review of all the existing light bulbs so you can decide which one to buy, another one to write a remarkably similar one in another magazine the next month, a third to have a big one come out on glossy paper two months later that is by then completely out of date, a fourth to hint in his/her column that a completely new and updated bulb is coming out, and the fifth to report a rumor that that new bulb is shipping with a virus. Q: How many first-time computer users does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One, but it takes him three hours and two phone calls to the electrician before he realizes he forgot to turn the switch on. ... Guns don't kill people; it's these little hard things! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 HOW TO KNOW YOU ARE GROWING OLDER Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work. The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals. You feel like the night before, and you haven't been anywhere. Your little black book contains only names ending in M. D. You get winded playing cards. You join a health club and don't go. You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions. You look forward to a dull evening. You need glasses to find your glasses. You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going. Your knees buckle, but your belt won't. Your back goes out more than you do. You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine chest. You sink your teeth in a steak and they stay there. YOU WONDER WHY MORE PEOPLE DON'T USE THIS SIZE PRINT. ... It takes about 10 years to get used to how old you are. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Robert Mugabe and Nelson Mandela were chatting. They eventually came to a point where Mugabe said: "Well, I let my Minster of Harbours have a look into that." "But Zimbabwe is a landlocked country. What possible function could a Minstry of Harbours serve in your country?" asked Mandela. "Tell me about your Ministry of Law and Order," came the response. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 ObJoke: Hickory Dickory Dock Three mice ran up the clock The clock struck one ... and the other two managed to get away with only minor injuries. Mary had a little lamb it leaped around in hops It gambolled in the street one day and ended up as chops Mary had a little lamb It had a touch of cholic She gave it whiskey twice a day and now it's alcoholic Mary had a little lamb Her father shot it dead and now it goes to school with her between two chunks of bread 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 You know you've been in the Access Control industry too long when :- 1 - Your access card doesn't start the car 2 - You dream in barcode 3 - You get into bed with your wife, and swipe your card 4 - She says "Time Zone Violation" 5 - or "Anti-Pass-Back Error" 6 - or "Please try Later" 7 - or "Unauthorised Entry" 8 - You start posting jokes about being in the industry too long 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 The cops pull over an Obviously Drunk Driver. COP: "Good evening sir. Please would you blow into this bag ?" ODD: "No, I can't do thsat" COP: "Why not?" ODD: "'Coz I got athssssssma" COP: "In that case, sir, we're going to have to take a blood sample" ODD: "No, you can't ssssstake any blood" COP: "Why not?" ODD: "'Coz I'm anananananeamic" COP: "Well, then I'll have to ask you for a urine sample" ODD: "No, I can't do ttttttthat" COP: "Why not?" ODD: "'Coz I got shugshugshugshug....sugar in me water" COP: "Well then sir, would you please walk along this straight line?" ODD: "No, I cannnnnnnn't do that" COP: "Why not?" ODD: "'Coz I'm pissed!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴