컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� 栢� 栢� 栢芳 栢芳 栢栢芳 栢� 栢� 栢栢栢� 栢栢栢� 栢� 栢� 栢栢� 栢栢� 栢�袴栢� 栢� 栢� 栢�谷栢芳 훤袴谷芳 栢栢栢舫 栢栢芳 栢�栢栢�栢� 栢栢栢舫 栢� 栢� 栢붜排栢� 栢栢排� 栢�袴栢� 훤袴暠 栢뵌栢�송舫 栢�袴栢� 栢� 栢� 栢栢�송舫 栢�袴暠 栢� 栢� 栢� 훤� 栢� 栢� 栢� 栢� 栢栢栢芳 휩栢栢排� 栢栢栢芳 훤� 훤� 훤� 훤� 훤� 훤� 훤� 훤袴袴暠 훤袴袴� 훤袴袴暠 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� It's 05:30 at St Olives and the Mother Superior is going around her normal morning rounds:- "Good morning Sister". "Good morning Mother Superior, I'm sorry to see you got out of the wrong side of bed this morning" the first Nun replies. Puzzled the Mother Superior continues to the next Nun:- "Good morning Sister". "Good morning Mother Superior, I'm sorry to see you got out of bed the wrong side this morning" replies the second Nun. This continues:- "Good morning............ wrong side of bed" "Good morning...................side of bed" "Good...................................bed" Finally curiosity gets the better of her and to the last Nun she says:- "Before I say good morning, tell me is there anything about me that makes you think I got out of bed the wrong side today?", "Yes Mother Superior" comes the reply. "Well would you be so kind as to tell me what it is?" "Certainly. You're wearing Father O'Reillys house slippers!!!!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� A woman wearing a hat was crossing the street in Chicago when a great wind blew her skirt up over her head. she had no panties on, but she grabbed for her hat instead of trying to hold her skirt down. A young man walking by asked her why should would grab the hat first instead of her skirt, especially since she was wearing no underwear. "Young man," she replied, "what's under that skirt is 50 years old. This hat is brand new!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� A new lumberjack has just finished his first month in the wilds of Alaska, where there are no women for miles. He couldn't take it anymore, so he asks his foreman what the men do to relieve themselves sexually. The foreman says, "Try the hole in the barrel outside the shower, the men swear by it." The lumberjack tried it out and had the experience of his life. "Wow, thats fantastic," the lumberjack says, "I'm going to use it every day." "Everyday except Wednesday," says the foreman. "Why?" says the lumberjack. "Wednesday's your day in the barrell." These jokes are about as funny as a helicoptor with an ejector seat! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� A man came home and his wife came running up and said "Honey my sewing machine broke can ya fix it?" He replied "Who do I look like, Mr Singer?" The next day he came home and his wife met him at the door and said "Honey, my Vac Cleaner broke can you fix it ?" He replied "Who do I look like, Mr Hoover?" The next day the man came home and his wife said "Honey a nice man cam buy and fixed the Vac and the sewing machine....He said I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him" The man replied "What kind of cake did you bake?" She replied "Who do I look like, BETTY CROCKER?" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� ** LOST DOG ** 3 legs, Blind in left eye, Missing right ear, Tail broken, Recently castrated... Answers to the name of "LUCKY" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� You know it's a bad day when: 1. You wake up face down on the pavement. 2. You put your bra on backwards, and it fits better. 3. You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on HOLD. 4. You see the "60 minutes" news team waiting for you in your office. 5. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. 6. You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party but there aren't any. 7. You put on the news and they're displaying emergency routes out of the city. 8. The woman you've been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife. 9. Your twin sister forgets your birthday. 10. You wake up to discover that your water bed broke and then you realize that you don't have a water bed. 11. Your horn goes off accidentally, and remains stuck, as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway. 12. The timer on your coffee maker is set to brew at 8:00 a.m. and you forgot to put the coffee pot in the dispenser. 13. Your auburn hair color turns purple overnight. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� How to get along at the office: If it rings, put it on hold; If it clanks, call a repairman; If it whistles, ignore it; If it's a friend, take a break; If it talks, take notes; If it's handwritten, type it; If it's copied, file it; If it's Friday, forget it! I have to sadly announce that Willie Nelson was killed today... He was playing "On the road Again" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� Three traveling salesmen, an American, a Polack and a Black man, were driving down a dirt road when there car just up and died. Well, they had seen a farm house about a mile back up the road. They all took off jogging and got there about sun set. They knocked at the door, and a nice, elderly farmer opened the door. They used the phone to call the local garages, but they were all closed. Not knowing what else to do, they asked permission to stay the night at the farmers house. They farmer said that if they wanted to, they were welcome to stay in the barn. He showed them out to the barn, and showed them where to stay. He then warned them to stay outta the tree in the back yard. His daughter was getting ready to marry Billy Joe Jim John Jake Franks, and he didn't want any peeping toms. They all easily agreed, and went in to the barn. After about an hour of talking, they are all very curious as to what this daughter looks like. They finally decide to climb the tree, but quietly. When they get to the top of the tree, the look in the window, and see this very beautiful, naked, young lady standing in front of a mirror. They are all getting an eyefull of this big breasted, tight assed lady, when the farmer walkes out side, having heard them, and yells, "Who's in that tree?". The three freeze. The American gets an idea and, very carefully, "Meow. Meow.". The Black man, having cought on says, "Tweet, tweet." The polack, having realized what is going on says, "Moo! Moo! Moo!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� Subject: Insurance claims I hit his car because he got to close. I let him try out my motorcycle. He was climbing a hill and didn't know the hill went down the other side and crashed. I slipped on a string bean in the supermarket. My right leg was bruised and it's hard to walk on my lower back. I drove my truck under a bridge and it didn't fit. I knocked over a man. He admitted it was his fault as he'd been run over before. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. The reason I have water damage is because I mistook the left side of the bridge to be the right side. The pedestrian didn't have any idea of which way to go, so I ran over him. A huge tree ran out into the street and I couldn't stop in time! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� The reason lighting doesn't strike twice in the same place is because the same place isn't there the second time around. I got a dog and named him `Stay'. Now, I go `Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all. I spilled spot remover on my dog....now he's gone. I have a map of the United States, life size. 1 mile equals 1 mile. It's a bitch to fold it. In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out." I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.' 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� This is a copy of the "New South African" dictionary; a survivor's guide in new South African English: (I hope you all find it as amusing as I did :-D ) Arwa - as in "arwaw dee-mands" Beck - not front Beds - mossies, doves, etc Ben - to set alight Cut - a small donkey-drawn vehicle Doe - a hinged device for closing a hole in the wall Errors - districts, eg ebbon errors Feather - as in "Cape Town is feather away than Durban" Gaddin - where you grow kebbi-jees Get - a hinged device in a fence Hair - as oppsed to him Hiss - masculine form of hairs I'm so heppi - I just voted Itch - as in "itch and avairy" Kah - what you drive around in Kennel - ammy officer Kettle - cows Kipper - eg goal kipper Len - to aquire knowledge Mick - those that will inherit the eth Pee pull - die mense Phlegm - the benning top of a kendal Piss - symbolised by white dove Sheep - big boat Ship - provider of wool So then - pertains to the South, eg So then Africa Spitch - what politicians make at a relly Suffa ring - as in "the pee pull ah suffa ring" Teksi - kah for hire - sometimes parrot teksi (ie not a memba of the teksi association) Tipic ally - characteristic Tocks - negotiations Weaned - an ill one blows nobody any good We men - ladies We pon - a gun Wekkas - do the weck Weds - what the dictionary is made up of Weld - the eth 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� A man who worked for a Fire Brigade came home from work one day and told his wife: "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station, Bell 1 Rings - We all put on our jackets Bell 2 Rings - We all slide down the pole Bell 3 Rings - We're ready to go on the trucks. From now on, we're going to run this house the same way, when I say, Bell 1 - I want you to strip naked, Bell 2 - I want you to jump into bed, and Bell 3 - We're going to make love all night." The next night he came home home from work and yelled: "Bell 1" and his wife took off all her clothes, "Bell 2" and his wife jumped into bed, "Bell 3" and they started making love. After two minutes his wife yelled "Bell 4". "What's this `Bell 4'?" asked the husband. "MORE HOSE" she replied, "you're nowhere near the fire!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� One morning at the Army Base, the Commander is dictating a letter to his Secretary. During the course of this, the Secretary notices that the Commander's fly is undone. She says to him "Sir, your barrack's door is open". The Commander didn't cotton on to what this meant until sometime after he had finished dictating when he happened to look down and notice his fly undone. When he next saw his Secretary, he asked her "When you said my barrack's door was open, was there a big soldier standing to attention inside?". She replied, "No Sir, there was only some old geriatric sitting on two duffle bags!". 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� Two cannibals were crossing a bridge. It was narrow, high, and somewhat slippery. The male cannibal asked somewhat gallantly, "May i offer you my arm?". The female cannibal answered, "No thanks. I've already had breakfast." Did you hear about the irishman who was found unconcious in his jail sell with 12 bumps on his head? He tried to hang himself with an elastic band. What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter cos he won't come if you call him anyway. Join the army, meet interesting people, and kill them. Sarie sadly reported to the police that her husband had gone missing at sea. "How will we recognize him if we find his body?" asked the sympathetic sergeant. "Oh, he's easy to recognize," she assured him. "He limps when he walks and he has a pronounced stutter." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� Shopper: Do you have 2 watt, 4 volt bulbs ? Assistant: For what? Shopper: No, two Assistant: Two what? Shopper: Yes Assistant: No ... And God said: ... And there was light! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� MICROSOFT Aquires Christmas by Robert Reiser NORTH POLE (API) - MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via sattelite from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions.In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh. The announcement also included a notice that beginning Jan 1, 1995, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently aquired MS Court. Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all." It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict. When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft has been working on a more effecient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We'll use it first for the release of Windows95 and Office 95." In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seamingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas 95 trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal. Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft Organization. This will take some time, so don't expect any changes this year." She continued, "our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 95. It will be bigger and better than last year." She further elaborated that "Windows 95 users who sign up with MS Network will get sneak previews of Christmas[95] as early as November first." Christmas 95 is scheduled for release in December of 1995, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of 1996. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catostrophic to next year's economy and the nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. "But it could be good in the long term," he explained. "With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year." When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that "Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good long-term business," suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans. Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was "sizeable, even for a man of Santa's stature." Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year 'round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond. A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached for comment. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� Original. Did you hear about Disney's remake of its famous classic "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves"? They intend to keep as close to the original fairytale and film as possible. But of course, Dopey had to go. They thought of renaming him to "Intellectually Challenged" but the marketing department threw the idea out. Doc as the one dwarf with all the intelligence was definitely out! They didn't even try to salvage anything there. Bashful, speaking through a press agent, didn't allow his name and features to be used as he didn't like the publicity. Similar fates befell Sneezy, Sleepy and Grumpy. Disney decided to go out on a limb and keep Happy. They still think it is politically correct to portray someone who is in good humour. The wicked stepmother? You must be joking. Definitely axed. Ditto the handsome prince. I mean really! Some white guy who has no qualifications to his station other than being born the son of a king? Forget it! Certainly not acceptable in this enlightened age! The problem with Snow White was a bit more difficult to solve. After all, the heroine is rather difficult to cut. And it does show a female who makes it despite adversity. But the original portrayal was so lame. She was dumb enough to swallow the line about the apple. (And to swallow the apple, for that matter.) It was someone tripping over a stone that brought her back to life, rather than some heroic act on her part. So they rewrote her part a little bit. She's now a high powered lawyer who takes the old hag from the Better Business Bureau to the Supreme Court, citing unhygienic food preparation and selling apples without a license. Landmark case. And then they realized that they only had one dwarf left and that he was living with Snow White in some secluded house in the woods..... So when it comes out in time for the Christmas present market, it will unfortunately have to be rated X. But other than that, it is identical to the original! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� Here is an excerpt of a 1950's vintage home economics textbook. This is real--I've seen the actual book. The page this text was lifted from features a picture of a "June Cleaver" type-of-gal unloading a full oven of food. Of course, she is in a dress, apron, and has a huge smile... Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal--on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift. Clear away the clutter: Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small) comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him: Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him. Some don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax--unwind. Listen to him: You may have a dozen thing to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax. The goal: Try to make your home a place of peace an order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit. [My, my; how times change.] 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� One day the Clintons and the Gores are out at dinner and having a really great time, lots of drinks and friendly flirting. Bill Clinton looks out over the table and says, "You know, were such good friends, why don't we swap for one night and make the sex exciting?" They all think it's a great idea, and they head off to their bedrooms. Suddenly Bill Clinton hears Hillary from the next room screaming uncontrollably with pleasure. He starts to get a little jealous, so he asks, "I wonder what Hillary could be getting that makes her that happy?" Then Al Gore, laying next to him says, "I don't know, but Tipper must be really hot tonight!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� Rule for software developers. Never stand over the shoulder of a beta tester. Once, I was watching Jane test the latest version of our software. When a message appeared on the screen, "Press any key to continue", Jane pressed the letter 'j'. I thought I was going to have heart failure. "JANE!" I screamed, "Why did you press J?!!?" "It said any key." "Yeah, but....when programmers say any key, they mean the space bar!" At which point my fellow programmer looked at me and said, "We do? I thought we meant enter." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John cut his arm off. Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to a surgeon. The surgeon said, "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours." So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said, "I got done faster than I expected to. John is down at the local pub." Sam went to the pub and saw John throwing darts. A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John cut his leg off. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the surgeon. The surgeon said, "Legs are a little tougher - come back in six hours." Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early - John's down at the soccer field." Sam went to the soccer field and there was John, kicking goals. A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon. The surgeon said, "Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve hours." So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said, "I'm sorry, John died." Sam said, "I understand - heads are tough." The surgeon said, "Oh, no! The surgery went fine! John suffocated in that plastic bag!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� Man, I was toolin' around last night, and got to see this great concert! I wasn't even plannin' on it... They got this new thing now--portable concerts! They spot you in traffic and play for ya! It's pretty rad. I was zippin' along the freeway, and I see this thing that looks sorta like a light show, but on wheels. And it's blasting the rad guitar solo! WooWooWoo! Wwawawawawa! Whoop! Whoop! And the guy kept with me all through traffic! It was pretty cool! Only thing was after awhile, it got kinda dull--seems they only knew like three or four guitar riffs. Oh well. I looked at the car to see what group it was. I think it was the Police. From what I saw it was their "Highway Patrol" tour. Rad, huh? Anyhow, I decided to see if I could get their signatures. Guess what? The dude comes right up to the car, and asks for mine too! I'm like, "Dude--Rad concert!" He was all modest, claiming it wasn't anything like that. The dude's too cool. And the best part of all--I didn't have to pay for my ticket till afterwards. I'm gonna see if they're playing again tonight. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� There were two men sitting in a hunting club. One says to the other "I think it's spelled W-H-H-O-O-O-M-B." The other man replies "No, wouldn't it be more like W-H-H-H-O-O-M-M-B-B?" The waitress is walking by and says "You guys are both idiots! It's spelled W-O-M-B you jerks!" and she storms off. The one man turns to his friend and says "How do you like that? She's heard an elephant fart too!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� Results of Time Efficiency Study of Interdepartmental Communications - Development Responses to Support Questions. Please evaluate and implement. In order to reduce the backlog of the Support Department (SPT), increase productivity, and decrease the time the Development Department (DEV) spends answering SPT questions, DEV will use the following list of numbered reasons to speed up answers in n-dimensional humanoid interface sessions, to user questions SPT is unable to answer and must pass along to DEV: 1. Bug. 2. Feature. 3. Upgrade. 4. Tell them "Don't do that." 5. Ow! 6. Huh-huh, huh-huh. 7. Check Quotas. 8. Wish List. 9. Fixed in the next release. 10. In a future release. 11. How's that again? 12. Cool! 13. We'll get back to you on that. 14. That's in the land between bug and they're doing it wrong. 15. You never asked us _that_. 16. Yes. 17. Not our product. 18. Not our product's fault. 19. Flat negation. 20. Need more info. 21. Why do they want to do that? 22. Outside the product parameters. 23. They don't get the point. 24. They're unclear on the concept. 25. Who said they can do that? 26. They lied. 27. Reevaluate their medication. 28. Reevaluate optometry. 29. They are mutants. 30. (Expletive deleted). Bureau of Redundancy Department 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� I saw the following in a post to misc.forsale.computers.other by Fred Sweetman who was trying to sell some software, but got the meaning slightly altered. "Mavis Bacon teaches typing in original box $18" Boy, it's GOT to be crowded in there! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� MH> [Note to editor, delete before publishing: Since Microsoft is MH> releasing Bob fairly soon, I thought this would qualify as "topical;" MH> if not, please put it back into the normal queue. This joke is MH> original with me. Thanks.] MH> Microsoft's new on-line active help facility called "Bob" is rumored MH> to permit you to select a "personality" with which you can interact MH> more easily. Here are a few personalities that I think we're likely to MH> see: MH> The "grandmother" personality: cares a lot about you, and will leave MH> you everything after it dies. MH> The "jewish mother" personality: continuously admonishes you to eat MH> more disk space, and lays a guilt trip on you if you interconnect MH> with goyim (non-Windows) computers. MH> The "drill instructor" personality: demands 20 push-ups every time you MH> click the wrong icon. MH> The "shy and retiring" personality: will only help you if you don't MH> get upset (since this is Windows, after all, very few people will MH> ever see this one). MH> The "domineering" personality: knows what you need to do, and will do MH> it for you. Don't touch the mouse, you'll just get in the way. MH> The "Bill Gates" personality: like the "domineering" personality, but MH> knows that, whatever the need, Microsoft has the answer. Requires a MH> modem and a credit card number (with a HIGH limit) for ordering MH> purposes. MH> The "BHA" personality: before it will help you, it demands adulation MH> (but heaven help you if you mention its name), but gives you help with MH> billions and billions of things. MH> The "rotten little smart kid" personality: does everything for you way MH> too fast for you to see, and then makes comments about your ancestry MH> when you don't do it perfectly yourself. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� Microsoft Clarifies Trademark Policies REDMOND, Washington--January 4, 1995--In response to customer inquiries, Microsoft today clarified the naming policy for Bob(tm), its new software product designed for computer beginners. Contrary to rumors, Microsoft will not demand that all persons formerly named "Bob" immediately select new first names. "I don't know where these rumors come from," commented Steve Balmer, Microsoft Executive Vice President for Worldwide Sales and Support. "It's ridiculous to think Microsoft would force people outside the computer industry to change their names. We won't, and our licensing policies for people within the industry will be so reasonable that the Justice Department could never question them." Balmer said employees of other computer companies will be given the opportunity to select new names, and will also be offered a licensing option allowing them to continue using their former names at very low cost. The new licensing program, called Microsoft TrueName(tm), offers persons who want to continue being known by the name Bob the option of doing so, with the payment of a small monthly licensing fee and upon signing a release form promising never to use OpenDoc. As an added bonus, Bob name licensees will also be authorized to display the Windows 95 logo on their bodies. Persons choosing not to license the Bob name will be given a 60-day grace period during which they can select another related name. "We're being very lenient in our enforcement of the Bob trademark," said Bill Newkom, Microsoft's Senior Vice President of Law and Corporate Affairs. "People are still free to call themselves Robert, Robby, or even Rob. Bobby however is derivative of Microsoft's trademark and obviously can't be allowed." Microsoft also announced today that Bob(tm) Harbold, its Executive Vice President and Chief Operating Officer, has become the first Microsoft TrueName licensee and will have the Windows 95 logo tattooed to his forehead. [source unknown] 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� Top 10 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Jesus ------------------------------------------------- 10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer. 9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex. 8. Beer has never caused a major war. 7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves. 6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away. 5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer. 4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer. 3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you. 2. You can prove you have a Beer. 1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� My 5 year old niece was recently trying to teach me about dinosaurs when she said, ``Do you want me to show you how I spell "dinosaur"?'' ``Sure,'' I said, somewhat surprised that she could. So she spelled it for me: ``D-O-S''. Funny, that's how I spell it, too. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� Orthodox churches being given back to the church by the Russian government: Most have the glass missing from their windows, the religious icons are missing, etc. My friend Howard, upon reading the article, commented: "No windows, no icons? I guess they'll have to say Mass at the prompt." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� Hey, you. Yeah... YOU! Pacifist type. Are you thinking "Hey, this isn't MY war." Or maybe you think, "Fifty cents more at the pump is worth my life! Heck, even sixty cents!" Perhaps you've weighed the issues, "Solar Energy... Death in the Sand... Hmmm... Solar Energy.... Death in the Sand..." Maybe you're all set, and you're ready to fight. BUT, should you decide that War is "not your thing", it could help you to know... The TEN Ways to Avoid the DRAFT 1. Self-Exile (The Canadian Maneuver) A popular choice during Vietnam. A classic. This is a good opportunity to "see the world." Actually, it's like being drafted in that you get to learn new customs in a different culture, (saying "eh" to indicate that you are speaking, beer drinking as an artform, finding out what a "took" (rhymes with "Luke") is and why you wear it on you head). Plus, there is always the comforting knowledge aht there will always be a room (10x10x8) waiting for you back in the States. 2. Physical Phake (The Springsteen Gambit or No-Doze about it) This is fairly easy. Simply watch 72 hours of TV straight. The VCR is ok, and so are video games, but theater movies are out. The key is the cathode-ray tube. Be sure to sit close to the set. Feel free to eat if you must, and bathroom breaks are OK, but no sleep! Caffeine is totally legal. This must be done immediately prior to your physical examination for the Armed Forces. Try not to yawn when you get there, but don't resist your urge to make guttural moans. The only disadvantage is that coming off the caffeine buzz is liable to drop you into a coma, but think of all the rock songs you can write. 3. Physical for Real (Mono on Mono or "Hello, kiss me... what's your name?) Going without sleep has no effect on you? You've got the allnighter's tolerance? You're going to need to catch something. Virulent. This can definitely involve some interesting social interactions. 4. Ageification (The Doctor Method...who?) Age yourself seven or so years in a hurry! This stratagem either requires some very expensive time travel equipment or your girlfriend telling you she accidently took the Pill out of order and has been eating vitamins for the past week. In any case, an old British phone booth can be substituted for one of these methods. 5. Dopeification (Whajjuu say, man?) The trick is to balance you inner inner cerebral whirl on the brink of the utmost ultimate hazy high while downing a fifth ducking to avoid that mind-worm and trying to find that mushroom or other tab of the really fucked up stuff and your third eye is screammmming and your head is hammmmering... and when you wake up in de-tox, the whole thing is over. Ten years ago. 6. Conscientious Objection (The "peace and non-violence, brother" strategy) Just file for exemption as a conscientious objector. Note, you must prove (with notarized documents) that you've been an objector since age three, have a visible aura, and stigmata. 7. Captivity (Non-self anti-exile) The default method. See, the draft is a choice. If you make NO choice at all, and just go about your life as usual, you will NOT be drafted! When you don't report to base after receiving your draft notice, the army won't make you fight. In fact, they'll take you to a maximum security penal institution for a nice long visit. (Bonus: free food, shelter, and back rubs). 8. Orientation Rearranging ("Sir, you are one HOT sergeant, sir!") Under the sexual orientation heading of your draft acknowledgement form, check the box next to "homosexual." You couldn't beg them to let you stay in. 9. In and Out (The Max Klinger Section 8 Clause) Sure! You'll fight! Report in. Move in to the barracks! You want to fight, yeah. Act enthused... maybe... too enthused. Talk about how you dreamed of this to your bunkmate. Be sure to keep a hollow, far away look in your eyes. It's also a good idea to twitch random muscles whenever anyone is near you. Scream "DIE" very loudly several times during the night. In the morning, say "Sergeant, Satan told me he loves me and is glad I'm here." Repeat as necessary, don't blink, and drool slightly from one corner of your mouth. Once you get to the sanitarium, cheerily convince the doctors you were just kidding and that you are actually quite sane. 10. Violence (The Last Resort) While attending a student's birthday party during a later week of one of his hunger strikes, Ghandi was offered a piece of chocolate cake by a less enlightened disciple. The disciple then remembered Ghandi's fast and repealed the offer, apologizing. The doctors managed to sew the man's nose back to his face, but Ghandi's lesson to him is well noted. Should you find your back to the wall, here are some recommended guidelines in the use of violence: cause pain, be random, no mercy, hit, yell, kick, cheat, avoid soft things, steroids can help but watch out for liver damage down the road, pinching hurts a lot but doesn't do a lot of damage, be senseless, dominate, dominate, dominate, don't let him get away with that, take the safety off, and there are NO innocents! Sure, you may become the thing you most despise, but at least it's your fight. Good Luck! And remember, if things don't work out... don't forget the flea powder. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� Q: Why do political sex scandals always seem to involve Democrats? A: Who would risk their career for a piece of elephant? 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� Sebz zl Zbz: Guvf yvggyr obl naq uvf tenaqsngure ner svfuvat. Tenaqqnq chyyf bhg n orre naq gur yvggyr obl fnlf "Tenaqcn, pna V unir bar bs gubfr?" Tenaqcn fnlf "Vf lbhe cravf ovt rabhtu gb gbhpu lbhe nffubyr?" gb juvpu gur yvggyr obl erfcbaqf "Ab." "Gura lbh pna'g unir bar." N juvyr yngre, gur tenaqqnq chyyf bhg n pvtne naq gur obl nfxf, "Pna V unir ba bs gubfr?" Tenaqcn fnlf "Vf lbhe cravf ovt rabhtu gb gbhpu lbhe nffubyr?" gb juvpu gur yvggyr obl erfcbaqf "Ab." "Gura lbh pna'g unir bar." Yngre ba, Tenaqcn naq Tenaqfba tb gb gur tebprel fgber sbe sbbq naq rnpu ohl n ybggrel gvpxrg. Tenaqcn vf hayhpxl, ohg gur yvggyr obl fnlf "V whfg jba $50,000" Tenaqcn fnlf, "Terng, lbhe tbvat gb fcyvg gung jvgu zr, evtug?" Gur yvggyr obl nfxf, "Tenaqcn, vf lbhe cravf ybat rabhtu gb gbhpu lbhe nffubyr?" "Lrf," Fnlf tenaqcn. "Gura tb shpx lbhefrys" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� Heard on Steve Wright In The Morning on Radio One FM (97-99 across the UK) on 7th July 1994. "The Newsagent" is an indescribable character who drops into the studio twice a morning, supposedly to deliver the newspapers and magazines. On this occasion he said that business was getting slack so he went for an interview for a job as a sales rep. The interview went quite well, he said, but the trouble was he kept winking. The interviewer said "Although you have a lot of the qualities we're looking for, the fact that you keep winking could put a lot of our potential customers off." "Oh, that's no problem," said the newsagent. "I stop winking if I take a couple of aspirin." "Show me," said the interviewer. So the newsagent reached into his pocket. Embarrassingly he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety - ribbed, flavoured, coloured and everything before he found the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin and soon stopped winking. The interviewer said, "I don't think we could employ someone who'd be womanising all over the territory." "Ex-cUse me!" exclaimed the newsagent, "I'm a happily married man, not a womaniser!" "Well how do you explain all the condoms, then," asked the interviewer. The newsagent replied, "Have YOU ever gone into a chemist's, winking, and asked for a packet of aspirin?" {UK to US conversion: coloured = colored, chemist's = drug store} 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� Subj: Things to say after you FART "That fart smells so bad, it smells like a rodent crawled up my ass and died.!" This one is also good for winning gross-out contests. Carleton University Ottawa, Canada The Wind Chill Factor ===================== W(v,t) = 91.4 - (((10.45 + 6.68 * v^(1/2) - 0.447v) * (457 - 5t)) / 110) t = Deg. Farenheit v = Wind Velocity in mph. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� > Q: What do you call a fag with a chipped tooth? > > A: A meat grinder!!! > Q: What are the two most dangerous things in the world? A: A queer with a chipped tooth, and a programmer with a screwdriver. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� A lady goes into a tattoo parlor and asks to have Elvis' face tatooed to the inside of her thigh. The guy works for 4 hours on the tatoo and when he finishes, the lady says it doesn't look like Elvis' and she isn't going to pay him. The guy proposes to tattoo the inside of her other thigh with Elvis' face and asks her if this one looks like Elvis would she pay him. She agrees to this proposal and the guy starts to tattoo the inside of the other thigh with Elvis' face. After another 4 hours he finishes but the lady said this one doesn't look like Elvis either and she isn't going to pay. The guy says, 'Look lady, I've spent 8 hours on these tattoos and I want my money. What can we work out?'. The lady says if he can get some random person off the street to look at her thighs and identify Elvis' face then she will pay. The guy agrees so he goes out of his shop on the sidewalk and it is late at night and nobody is around. He goes down an alley and finds a drunk wino. He tells the wino he has an important job for him to do and if he is successful, he will buy him a bottle of Thunderbird. The wino wants the Thunderbird and promises to do a good job. The tattoo guy takes the wino into his shop. The lady has her legs spread on the table and the tattoo guy asks the wino to look between her legs and tell them who he sees. The wino looks very intently and studies very hard and finally says, 'I don't know who those twins are on the inside of her thighs, but the one in the middle is Willie Nelson!'. Three guys are in St. Peter's (SP) office and SP is going over their records. SP asks the first guy if he ever screwed around on his wife. The guy says about 6 or so times. SP tells him he will have a Chevy to drive while in heaven. SP asks the same question to the second guy and he says only twice did he screw around on his wife. SP tells him he will have a Mercedes to drive while in heaven. SP asks the same question to the third guy and he says he never screwed around and the thought never crossed his mind. SP said that was very noble and that he would have a chauffer driven limosine to take him around heaven. One day in heaven the three guys are standing around talking and the guy with the limosine starts crying and going crazy. The other two guys ask him what was wrong and the guy said, 'I just saw my wife riding a scooter!!!' A white guy, a jew and a black guy were in St. Peter's (SP) office. SP was reviewing his records and told the guys there was an administrative error and they weren't supposed to be dead yet. SP said if they each gave him $20 then he would send them back to earth. The white guy immediately gives SP $20 and is sent back to his hometown. Once there, his old buddies see him and ask him why he was there as they all thought he died. The guy says, 'I was in St. Peter's office with a jew and a black guy and St. Peter said there was an administrative error regarding our deaths. SP said if we each gave him $20 he would send us back to our hometowns. I gave him $20 so here I am'. His buddies ask what happened to the jew and the black guy and he replies, 'About the time I was leaving, the jew had him down to $14.95 and the black was looking for a loan cosigner'. There's a "Help Wanted" sign in a grocery store and Jack and Jill both applied for the job at the same time. The store manager only had one job opening but liked Jack and Jill so he hired them both. Several months went by and economic times were tough. The regional manager went to the store manager and told him he would have to fire the last person he hired. The store manager told his boss he hired Jack and Jill at the same time and what was he supposed to do as far as firing one or the other. The regional manager came up with the idea that the first one to go to the drinking fountain to get some water would be the one fired. The store manager was uncomfortable with this as both Jack and Jill were good employees but he had to go along with the boss' directive. The next day the store manager is watching the drinking fountain to see if Jack or Jill would go to the drinking fountain first. Jill went to the drinking fountain first and pulled a bottle of asprin from her purse. The store manager very nervously approached her as he knew he was going to have to let her go. As Jill was getting ready to take some asprin he says, 'Jill, there is something I have to tell you. I'm either going to have to lay you or Jack off'. Jill says to him, 'Well you're going to have to Jack off then because I have a headache!'. (Is this a good joke or what) King Arthur was going off to Europe on a military campaign and was going to have to leave Guenevere alone at the castle. As Guenevere was "bone-prone", he had the village blacksmith rig a snatch device that would cut off the pecker of anyone who tried anything with her. After King Arthur returned from his military campaign, the first thing he did was line up all the Knights of the Round Table. He had his guards with him and told each Knight to drop his pants. The first Knight dropped his pants. No pecker. He instructed his guards to kill him. He went to the second Knight and did the same thing. No pecker. He had him killed as well. He did this to all the Knights until he came to Sir Lancelot. He had Sir Lancelot drop his pants. Sir Lancelot was "intact" pecker-wise and King Arthur felt there was someone he could trust. He said to Sir Lancelot, 'Sir Lancelot, my noblest Knight, I knew you would not attempt pleasures of the flesh with Guenevere. I am proud of you. What do you want to say in your honor?'. Sir Lancelot responds, "aaaaahhh aaahhhh aaahhhh' (no tongue). An 18-year old Italian girl is having a cry on her mother's shoulder, bemoaning the fact that she is pregnant with no husband, no one to support her, etc. Her mother is rather angry at her, but is more worried about the reaction of the girl's father. He is an old-fashioned type who believes in marriage before sex, and hitting before talking. "Oh, no, honey! Your father will KILL you!" "Mommy, please help me! Can't you make him his favourite food to soften him up?" "Well, I suppose I could, but you would have to tell him. I'll make it tonight." So that night for dinner, the father comes home to see his favourite meal spread out before him: sausages, and custard for dessert. While the family is in the middle of dessert, the daughter bursts into tears and says: "Daddy! Daddy! I'm pregnant, and I don't know who the father is!!!" "Right" Says the father. He slowly gets up from his chair, but instead of the expected action of him moving towards his daughter to belt the crap out of her, he pulls down his pants, grabs his best friend, and starts slapping his dick in and out of the custard! "Daddy! Daddy!" Screams the daughter "What are you doing?" "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm fucking dis-gusted!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� Q: What does NASA stand for? A: Need Another Seven Astronauts. Utah Utah, oh Utah, you four letter word, Some of your laws are completely absurd. No porno, no skin flicks, no drinks by the glass, Yet your liquor commission is riddled with graft. Your standards are double, your pleasures are few, But don't think there isn't something to do. You can feed the seagulls in Liberty Park, Provided you're not caught there after it's dark. Armed robbers are many and rapists abound, While the cops are out shutting the cinemas down. For skin flicks are hellish, for porno obscene. Your streets are unsafe, but your morals are clean. From Capital Hill to the Fashion Place Mall, Your sooty skies hang like a funeral pall. It makes your eyes water, it makes your lungs ache, When Jesus returns he will sure suffocate. I feel for the girls down on Second South Street, They're having a hassle just making ends meet. It's tough to sell sex, so I've heard them say, When the girls at BYU are giving it away. At the top of the temple in downtown Salt Lake, The angel Moroni stands through his long wake, But beware of his horn when he does blow on it, Cuz' all that will come out will be seagull shit. At the time that old Brigham said, "This is the place," And founded the city on this desert space, He called it Zion, the land of the Saints. Well, it might be Zion, but heaven it ain't. Utah, my last day is coming up fast, My two years in exile are over at last. So, goodbye, oh Utah, you four letter word, From far away Denver, I'll flip you the BIRD! Author Unknown. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� The Short One: What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? THE TASTE. The Long One: (You may substitute your least favorite ethnic group for the title "Nurd." I prefer "Nurd" because I dislike ethnic jokes and because "Nurd" rhymes with "Turd.") A nurd goes to the beach in an attempt to find girls. While studying the crowd, he sees that a bunch of beautiful women are hanging around this guy. The nurd waits for the guy to go for ice cream, and follows him, hoping to find out his secret. The nurd catches up with the guy, who happens to be French, and says: "I noticed so many beautiful girls are attracted to you. Please sir, what is your secret?" The Frenchman replies: "It ez eazy to attract ze women. All you need ez to put a potato into your bathing trunks, and ze women will go wild!" Heartened, the nurd resolved to try the Frenchman's trick the next day. As luck would have it, not only did the "potato in the trunks" trick not work, but all the women looked repulsed, and actively avoided the nurd. A day or two of this later, the nurd spots the Frenchman on the beach again and follows him up to the ice cream stand. When there, the nurd cries to the Frenchman: "Look, I did what you told me to do, and instead of getting women, I'm repelling women! What am I doing wrong!" The Frenchman looks the nurd up and down, back and front, and then says: "Mon dieu! Ze potato ez zupposed to go down ze FRONT of ze trunks!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� Welcome to the "Blasphemous Joke List" Jew dies, goes to heaven. Meets St. Peter at the pearly gates. Gets guided tour of heaven. At one point they come to a huge wall; say's St. Peter, "Sshh." Jew asks why. St. Peter says "On the other side of the wall are the Christians, and they think they're the only ones here. ---------------- Q: What did the lions say when the Emperor of Rome threw the Christians into the arena? A: Yum! ---------------- Up in Heaven, God was feeling tired. He had been a busy deity lately. Anyways, St. Peter suggests he should go on vacation. "Where?", rants God, "I created everything! I know what everything is!!" "Well", replies St. Peter, "Earth is a nice place. You could go there." "Ohh no! Not Earth!", says God, "I went there about two thousand years ago, screwed some chick, and they're *still* talking about it!" ---------------- Jesus walks into a hotel, tosses three nails on the front desk and says, "Hey, can you put me up for the night?" ---------------- Jesus, hanging on the cross, spots Peter in the crowd at the bottom of the hill. "Peter," he calls. "Peter." Peter hears his name and replies, "I hear, Lord, I'm coming," and starts up the hill toward the cross. A Roman guard blocks Peter's way and says, "Stop, or I'll cut off your arm." But Peter says, "I must go on, my Lord is calling me," and tries to pass the guard, who cuts off his arm with a sword. Jesus calls again, "Peter, Peter...", so Peter continues, bleeding and in terrible pain, up the hill toward the cross. Another guard blocks his way and says, "Stop, or I'll cut off your other arm." Peter ignores this, saying, "I must go on, my Lord is calling me." As Peter tries to pass the second guard, the guard cuts off his other arm with his sword. Jesus calls again, "Peter...," so Peter, getting weak from the pain, continues up the hill. A third guard blocks his way and says, "Stop, or I'll cut off your leg." Peter says to the guard, "I must go on, my Lord is calling me." As Peter tries to continue up the hill, the guard cuts off his leg. Peter falls in a heap of pain and blood, but still manages to push and drag himself up the hill toward the cross with his one remaining leg. Jesus calls again, "Peter...Peter..." Peter replies, "I hear, Lord, I'm coming." Another guard steps in front of Peter and says, "Stop, or I'll cut off your other leg." Peter squirms top try to pass the guard, so the guard cuts off Peter's other leg. In excruciating pain, Peter uses sheer willpower to drag his mutilated body to the base of the cross. Panting, he raises his eyes toward Jesus and says, "I am here, Lord. I have answered your call. Jesus looks down at Peter and says, "Peter... I can see your house from here." ---------------- Jesus, hanging on the cross, raises his eyes toward the heavens and cries, "Father Almighty, please remove these nails from my hands... - WAIT, NO! THE FEET, THE FEET!!" ---------------- Q: What was the last request made of Jesus Christ? A: Hey buddy could you cross your legs? I've only got three nails. ---------------- Q: Why was Christ able to walk on water? A: Shit floats. ---------------- Two nuns are bicycling down a cobblestone street. The first one says to the other: "I haven't come this way before." The second one says: "I know. It's the cobbles." ---------------- Q: Why doesn't Jesus eat M&M's? A: They fall through his hands. ---------------- Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a painting? A: It takes only one nail to hang a painting. ---------------- Q: How can we tell it was a jew who crucified Jesus? A: Who else would tell the guy to cross his legs to save one spike? 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� 1st Paddy.....How about we go to the movies? 2nd Paddy.....Whats on? 1st Paddy....."Moby Dick" 2nd Paddy.....Nah dont like cowboy films. 1st Paddy.....Wanker. Its about Whales. 2nd Paddy.....Cant stand Welsh bastards either. ............. Some old silly ones now. ............................ Q. "Whats green with wheels?" A. "Grass. I lied about the wheels" ................. Q. "Whats black with red wheels" A. "A freshly whipped nigger" (Wheals - it doesnt matter) .................. What is the Bosnian word for "cease-fire?" "Reload." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� * * * W A R N I N G * * * Do NOT read this post if you are eating! Having said that . . . A drunken fellow stumbles up to the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a drink." The bartender says, "Sorry, pal, I think you've had enough." "I said GIVE ME A DRINK!!!!" "Can't do it." "Well, if you don't give me a drink, I'll drink that spittoon over there." "Suit yourself, pal." So the guy picks up the spittoon and starts drinking. After a couple of seconds, the bartender starts feeling a bit queasy and says, "OK, you win. Stop and I'll give you a drink. Stop! STOP!!!" But the guy keeps on drinking until the spittoon is empty. Thoroughly disgusted, the bartender screams, "Why in the world didn't you stop? I said I'd give you a drink!" The guy replies, "I couldn't. It was one strand!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� how do you stop a black man spitting? a: turn the oven down... .......................................................... what do you throw to a black man who`s drowning? a: his wife and kids... ............................................................ what do you say to a black man with a job? a: can i have a big mac and fries please... 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb? 10! One to change the light bulb and the rest to just sit there and be assholes. Did you hear that Nancy asked Ronnie to go out and rent a video? She wanted to see "A Scent of a Woman", but he came back with "A Fish Called Wanda" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� Oldies Three retired Jewish shop owners were sitting on lounges sipping drinks on the beach in Florida. The topic of conversation turned to how they each came to retire. The first one said "my shop burned down, so I collected the insurance money, retired and moved here." The second one said Yeah my shop burned down too, so I collected the insurance money, retired and moved here." The third one said "my shop flooded out, so I collected the insurance money, retired and moved here". The other two looked at him with surprise and asked "how do you start a flood?" A Rabbi and a Priest were driving down the street one day when the light changed to red. The Rabbi stopped, but the Priest was preoccupied with something and smashed into the back of the Rabbi. An Irish policeman was walking his beat and saw the whole thing. Both parties were already out of their cars when he approached them. After surveying the damage the policeman took out his ticket book and said "so father, how fast would you estimate the Rabbi was going when he backed into you?" A man was walking in the jungle one day when he stepped into some quicksand. After struggling to get out for a few minutes, he found that there was no way he could reach the side. He was up to his waist in the quicksand when another man walked up. "Hey, help me out of this!" the man said. "I will, if you suck my dick" the other replied. "Fuck you faggot! I'd rather die!" the man said. He had sunk up to his chest when another man came up to him. "Hey, will help me get out of this!?" the man asked. To which the other replied "Sure, if you suck my dick." "Fuck you faggot I'd rather die" the man replied. It was quite a while before anyone else passed by, and by that time he was up to his neck in the quicksand. "Hey, Please get me out of this, I'll suck your dick!" the man pleaded. to which the other replied "Fuck you faggot" and stomped on his head. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� Q:Why don't Baptists screw standing up? A:Someone might think they're dancing. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� >A Paki dies and goes up to Heaven. He finds himself in a queue at the >gates with St. Peter signing them all in. The guy infront goes "Hi Pete, >you know me, I saved a child's life before I died." "Of course, welcome, >my friend", says St. Peter. The Paki steps up and St. Peter goes "Oh, er, >there must be some mistake. Er, did you do anything worthwhile in life?" >The Paki replies, "Why yes, I gave �500 to charity just last week, before >I died." St. Peter thinks. "Hmm. Just a minute please." He goes inside the >gates and comes back a while later with a wad of money. "Here's your �500, >now fuck off." Or: "Here's your �500, now go to hell!! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� : People who write on shithouse walls : should roll their shit into little balls : Those who read these lines of wit : should ead the little balls of shit. : -OR- : found at the bottom of a cubicle divider : *beware of gay limbo dancers. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� Memorandum for: All Employees From: Training Branch 1. In order to ensure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be office policy to keep all employees well trained, through our program of Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We want to give our employees more SHIT than anyone else. 2. If you feel you have not received your share of SHIT on the job, please see your manager. You will be placed at the top of his SHIT list for special attention. All managers are experienced and well versed to ensure you receive all the SHIT you can handle. 3. If you consider yourself thoroughly trained already, you may be interested in helping us train others. We can add you to our Basic Understanding Lecture List - Special High Intensity Training (BULL-SHIT) program. 4. Your interest in this program is greatly appreciated. With the personality some employees display, there is great potential for some to progress to Directory of Intensity Programming - Special High Intensity Training (DIP-SHIT). 5. Overall office productivity can only be maximized with total participation. Employees found to be non-compliant with SHIT policies will be remanded to the Department to Enhance Employee Participation - Special High Intensity Training (DEEP-SHIT). 6. If you have further questions, please address them to the Head Of Training - Special High Intensity Training (HOT-SHIT) on extension 208. Your suggestion will be placed in the Special High Intensity Training - Program to Improve Lethargic Employees (SHIT-PILE). s/ Boss In General - Special High Intensity Training (BIG-SHIT) 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� . RM 1.3 00341 . A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available. This is a visual, so bear with me: Q-Why are Catholics glad Christ was crucified and not stoned to death? A-Because instead of doing this (do the sign of the Cross) they would have to do this (make two fists and rapidly beat yourself about the head several times) OBJoke (although I may have done this one b4...> 1st guy: Ya know, I think my girl is gettin a bit kinky. 2nd guy: Yah? What makes ya say that? 1st guy: I think she likes gettin dicked in the ear. 2nd guy: Thats what she told you!? 1st guy: Well, no, but every time I go to stick it in her mouth, she turns her head! A guy goes into a bar with a midget who's about a foot tall. There is a piano in the bar so the midget sits down and starts playing Beethoven, Bach, Handel and other classical music. He plays we very well and the crowd loves it. The bartender asks the guy that brought the midget in where he found him. The guy says, 'I came across this lamp, rubbed it and a genie appeared. I noticed the genie had hearing aids in both ears as he said he would grant me three wishes. My first wish was for alot of money. I ended up with jars and jars of honey. My second wish was for good looks and I ended up with boxes of 1000 good books. My third wish was for a 12 inch penis and I wound up with a 12 inch pianist!". This martian space ship breaks down in a residential neighborhood. The martian goes to one of the houses to ask to use some tools. A guy answers the door and agrees to lend the martian some tools to repair his spaceship. THe martian spends all day working on his spaceship when it starts getting dark. He goes back to the guy's house and asks to spend the night and go back to work on his spaceship the next day. The guy agrees. The martian says his wife is in the spaceship and there is a custom on his planet that whenever they stay over at someones house they swap wives. The guy talks to his wife about this swapping and she agrees to it. That night the guy's wife goes into one bedroom with the martian and the guy goes into another bedroom with the martian's wife. Once in the bedroom, the martian starts tugging on his left ear and his dick gets longer and longer. He tugs on his right ear and his dick gets wider and wider. The guy's wife loves it. The next morning the guy and his wife are in the kitchen talking and comparing notes. The guy's wife asks him how he liked doing it with the martian lady and he says, 'I liked it except for one thing. She kept tugging at my ears all night!'. Q. What do you call a fortune-telling midget that escaped from jail? A. A small medium at large. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� The animal-rights movement, not to mention certain vegetarians, take as gospel the idea that animals, left to themselves, would live harmoniously in a peaceable kingdom. In fact, every species on the planet exists by eating other species, as this action -packed little fable demonstrates. It appeared in "The Book of Bad Virtues" by Tony Hendra. Thumper ran excitedly to the foot of the old oak tree. "Wake up! Wake up!" he cried at the great hole in the cleft of the trunk. For the moment nothing happened. Then Wise Old Mr. Owl appeared, rubbing his big round eyes. It was dawn, after all, and he'd just gotten to sleep after a hard night's hunting. "Wha-?" he mumbled, blearily. "What now?" "It's happened!" yelled Thumper. "A new Prince is born!" "Well, well!" exclaimed Wise Old Mr. Owl, gradually coming awake. He coughed up a pellet of feathers, hair, and bone from the previous evening's supper and spat it on the ground. "This is quite an occasion!" "It sure is, Mr. Owl," said Thumper. "Come quick!" All of Thumper's brothers and sisters agreed. Wise Old Mr. Owl flew down beside Thumper. "Yes, sir!" said the venerable bird. "AAAAAAARGH." screamed Thumper as Wise Old Mr. Owl sank his sharp curved claws into Thumper's neck. All the other baby rabbits ran away. "It's not every day a new Prince is born," said Wise Old Mr. Owl, tearing at Thumper's big cute left eye with his feather-covered bill. He broke through the hard outer skin of the eyeball and , getting a good grip on the retina, ripped the eye from its socket. Blood and retinal fluid spurted everywhere. Owl swallowed the whole thing. "What's he called?" asked Wise Old Mr. Owl, starting on Thumper's big cute right eye. "NAAAH! Not my eyes!!" pleaded Thumper, twisting in agony, trying desperately to get free from Wise Old Mr. Owl's claws. "Bambi! Sweet God of Rabbits, how that hurts!" "Well," said Wise Old Mr. Owl, swallowing the second eyeball and turning his attention to Thumper's soft, vulnerable stomach, "Bambi's mom - the Queen of the Forest is to be congratulated!" "If you can't . . . . do something . . nice . . . . " gasped Thumper as gobs of blood welled up out of his mouth, "don't do . . anything. . at . . all!" Then he died. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� Four nuns were awaiting final absolution from St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. The first nun approaches St. Pete, and says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. This finger touched my genetelia." To which St. Peter says, "Say two Hail Mary's and an Our Father, rinse the offending finger in Holly Water and go and sin no more." The secon nun approaches St. Peter; "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. This hand has touched the genitals of a man." To which he replies; "Say an Our Father, Two Hail Mary's and rinse the offending hand in Holly Water. Go and sin no more." The third nun approaches St. Peter, and the fourth nun taps her on the shoulder, "You mind if I gargle before you sit your ass in that thing?" Man has been working out in the wilderness for 6 months straight. He goes to town and immediately finds the local whorehouse. He tells the madam, " I want the roughest, toughest gal that you got. And a couple of cold bottles of beer." The madam says, "That would be Rosie. Go upstairs to room #3 and I will send her up in a few minutes with the beer." A few minutes after getting comfy in the room, the door flies open and the roughest looking amazon walks in. She slams the 2 bottles of beer down on the dresser, and rips the negligee off of her body effortlessly. She then proceeds to get down on the floor on all fours with her ass pointed toward the guy. The guy says, " Hey, I may have asked for the roughest, toughest gal here, but I still like to do it the old fashioned way!" The gal says "OK, Bud, fine with me. I just thought you'd like to open them beers first. " Do you know how to tell when your girlfriend is too fat? When she sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� Q: "Why do black women pose nude for magazines? . . . A: so apes can masturbate." Q: How can you tell the Gay which baby is gay in the hospital nursery? A :It cries like hell, when you take the pacifier out of its ass. Q: What is the ultimate form of rejection? A: Being excluded from the family murder. Q: How do you get a nun pregnant? A: Dress her up as an altar boy. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� ** 001 The young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her first visit home since starting college. "Mom, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity last weekend." "I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience." "Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight guys felt great, but after them my pussy got real sore." ** 002 "Adam," the heavenly voice called to the Garden of Eden, "what did you and Eve do today?" "We ate some fruit, Lord," Adam said reverently. "Did you eat of the forbidden tree?" asked God. "Yes, Lord, we did," Adam confessed. "And then what did you do?" God asked. "We made mad, passionate love all afternoon." "Where is Eve now?" the Lord bellowed. "She's down at the brook washing herself out." "Oh, no," the Lord moaned." Now all the fish are going to smell like that!" ** 003 Q: How does a Mexican know when it's time to eat again? A: His asshole stops burning. ** 004 Two guys wandered into a bar. One of the men shouted to the barkeeper,"Hiya, Mike. Set 'em up for me and my pal here." Then he turned to his slightly dim partner and boasted, "This is a great bar. For every two drinks you buy, the house gives you one. And the pinball machines in the back are free!" "That's not so great,"responded the friend. "There's a bar across town That'll match you drink for drink, and you can get laid in the back for free." "Where is this place?" the first guy exclaimed. "Oh, I don't know," the dim fellow replied, "but my wife goes there all the time." ** 005 An Israeli was sitting between two Arabs on a long airplane flight. He had just removed his shoes and gotten comfortable when one of the Arabs nudged him and said,"Hey, Jew, go get us some orange juice." To avoid any trouble, the Israeli did so. When he left, both Arabs spit in his shoes. The Israeli came back with the juice, which the Arabs gulped down. The rest of the flight was uneventful. The plane landed, and the Israeli put on his shoes and felt the squishing inside. He turned to the Arabs and said,"If there is ever going to be peace in the Middle East, the Arabs will have to stop spitting in the shoes of Jews, and the Jews will have to stop pissing in the Arabs' orange juice." ** 006 Three doctors were talking about the amazing things being done in medicine. The first said,"Six weeks ago a man came in after losing a hand in an accident just as a car crash victim was brought in dead on arrival. I took a hand from the dead man and sewed it on the worker's stump, and today he's out looking for a job." The second physician said,"That's not so amazing. Six months ago I gave a blind man a pair of dead man's eyes, and today he's out looking for a job." The third doctor said,"Neither of those cases tops this one. A year and a half ago we took an asshole out of California, put it in the White House, and today everybody is out looking for a job." ** 007 A well dressed lawyer went into a bar for a martini and found himself beside a scrungy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. The attorney leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light,slurring "Well, it looks like plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers,adding,"But it feels like rubber." Curious, the lawyer asked, "What do you have there mister?" The drunk stammered,"Damn if I know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber." The lawyer said,"Let me take a look." And the drunk handed it over. The attorney rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did you get it anyway?" The drunk replied, "Outa my nose." ** 008 Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a pig? A: Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do. ** 009 Q: How do you know when your girlfriend is too fat? A: When she sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo ** 010 Q: What's the difference between black pussy and a bowling ball? A: You can eat a bowling ball! ** 011 With the sun beginning to rise, the cabin of the jetliner was suddenly illuminated. "Who turned on the fucking lights?" a male passenger, who had been surly since boarding, snarled at a stewardess. The girl had had enough of this particular character."These are the breakfast lights, sir," she answered with forced sweetness. "The fucking lights are much dimmer, and you snored right through them." ** 012 "Brace yourself, Mr. Cassidy," the physician told the patient on whom he had performed a battery of costly tests. "You have approximately six months to live." "But I don't have insurance, doctor," said Cassidy, "and I can't skimp and save enough to pay you in that time!" "All right, all right," soothed the medical man. "Let's say nine months, then." ** 013 Three women - a German, a Jew and a Polack - all gave birth to seven-pound baby boys at the same time. The nurses got the babies mixed up somehow and couldn't tell which baby belonged to which mother. After an hour of mass confusion the father of the German baby decided he'd settle the problem. He walked into the nursery and lined up the three infants in a row. He clicked his heels, raised his arm and shouted, "Heil Hitler!" The German baby snapped to attention, the Jewish baby shit, and the Polack baby played in it. ** 014 Even though a fellow was late for his flight, he dashed into the airport men's room, pissed,and quickly headed for the door. At one of the sinks a Marine sergeant was washing his hands. The Leatherneck called to the man, "Hey, buddy, in the Marine Corps they teach us to wash our hands after going to the bathroom." The fellow stepped back into the men's room and looked at the Marine. "Well, I was in the Navy, Sarge, and they taught us not to piss on our hands!" ** 015 A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing with the chimp. "I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no children; so he's going to live with us - just like one of the family. He'll eat at the same table with us. He'll even sleep in the same bed with me and my wife." "But what about the smell?" the friend asked. "Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, the same way I did." ** 016 Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best friend asked him how it went. "The first night we did it nine times," Bill said."The second night, eight times. The third night, seven times. The fourth night, six times. The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times, and the last night, nothing!" "Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?" "Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?" ** 017 A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does." ** 018 Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom. "Suzy wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy said. "I'm really nervous. I know I'll goof up!" "Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment her. Chicks love to be complemented. You'll have her in the palm of your hand." About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye. "Shit, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked. "I took your advice." "Didn't you compliment her?" "sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After a while I started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts they sure were firm. She like that too." "It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said. "Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got her dress up and her panties off, and I tried to think of another compliment." "What did you say?" "For such a large crack, it doesn't stink much." ** 019 While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!" "Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" "Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em." ** 020 A gambler was telling a friend about his first junket to Las Vegas and how hard it was to get any sleep. "I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a drunk chorus girl banging on the door and screaming," he recalled. "That's terrible," the friend said." How'd you ever get any sleep?" "At five o'clock I finally unlocked the door and let her out," the gambler laughed. ** 021 Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking their fingers after a large meal. "Your wife makes a delicious roast,"one chief said. "Thanks," his friend said."I'm gonna miss her." ** 022 From the outset, the blind date was a fiasco and it was intensified by the fact that the fellow was too intensitive and ego-ridden to realize it. The moment of truth came in the supper club as he clutched the girl's thigh and whispered, "Baby, how's about our cutting out to my pad so I can slip you nine inches?" There was a moment of silence, and then the girl said, "You know, I really don't think you could get it up three times in a row!" ** 023 After a wild freeway chase, the motorcycle cop waved the speeding sports car over to the curb. When he walked up to the drivers window, he was surprised to find a very attractive redhead behind the wheel. "Ma'am," he said ."I'm afraid we're going to have to give you a Breathalyzer test to see whether or not you've been drinking." The test was taken and as the officer eyed the results, he said, "Lady, you've had a couple of stiff ones." "That's amazing!"the girl cried."You mean it shows that,too!" ** 024 The blind daters had really hit it off and at the end of the evening, as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said, "Before we go any further, Charmaine, tell me - do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?" "As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot fetish - but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches." ** 025 Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me obtain a divorce. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with." "What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?" "No, he doesn't," replied the woman, "and neither does the little queer." ** 026 The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table." Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile." "Yes," replied the girl, "much better." "Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy." ** 027 It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife. "That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?" At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down. "Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does." Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage. The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. "Now," said the husband, "tell that motherfucker you have a headache!" ** 028 Marge was getting pretty upset about her husband's lack of attention and decided to come on a little stronger to him. After dinner, she put on her sexy, backless nightgown backward and sauntered into the living room. "Notice anything?" she asked slyly. "Yes, you've got your nightgown on backward," her husband answered simply. "How could you tell?" she cooed. "Because the shit stains are in the front," he said. ** 029 Q: What's dangerous & eats nuts? A: Syphilis. ** 030 After his annual physical, the sexually active bachelor was waiting in the doctor's office for the results. "Well," said the doctor, "I have good news and bad news for you." "The way I feel, please give me the good news first" replied the bachelor. "The good news," announced the doctor, "is that your penis has grown an additional four inches since your last exam." "Great!" the man shouted. "What is the bad news?" "It's malignant," replied the doctor. ** 031 Question: Why wasn't Christ born in Mexico? Answer: Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin. ** 032 A woman walked into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. The local drunk saw this and asked, "Say there, whatcha doin' with that pig?" "That's not a pig, stupid!" she said coldly."That's a duck." "I know," replied the drunk. "I was talking to the duck." ** 033 Did you know that computer sales persons are so full of shit that if they had an enema they could be buried in a shoe box! ** 034 Three guys - a Frenchman, a German and a Polack, were sitting in a bar. In walked a mean looking black guy looking for a fight. He sat down, ordered a beer, took a drink, went over and slapped the Frenchman and said, "I like fucking white women." The Frenchman looked at him and thought,"Well,that's great." Then the big black guy went over to the German, hit him on the shoulder and said, "I like fucking white women." The German looked at him and said, "Good for you." The black guy sat down and took another drink of his beer. He got up, walked over to the Polack and belted him on the back, then said, "I like fucking white women." The Polack sat and thought for a second and finally said, "I don't blame you. I don't like fucking those black ones either." ** 035 A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms. When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair. The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there." The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?" ** 036 An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead pussy." The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have alot in common." ** 037 A foxy young lady was having trouble keeping boyfriends after the first date, so she decided to go to a doctor to find out what the problem was. The doctor asked her to take off her clothes and lie on the examining table. He checked her pussy and, finding nothing wrong, asked her to roll over and spread her ass. After checking her asshole and again finding nothing wrong, he told her to sit up so he could examine her mouth. Upon looking into her mouth he exclaimed, "You've got the worst case of Zacklies I've ever seen!" "Zacklies?" she said, puzzled. "What's that?" "Your mouth smells zackly like your ass!" ** 038 A drunk was trying to make time with a pretty girl at a cocktail party, but she wasn't having any part of him... especially the part he had in mind. After a while, to show his contempt for her, he inquired loudly, "Tell me, dear, what happens when whores get pregnant?" Amused, she answered, "Don't tell me you still think your mother found you under a cabbage leaf!" ** 039 Two men were walking in the park when they came upon this dog that had bent itself into a weird position and was licking its balls. One man said, "Gee! I wish I could do that." The other man replied, "I think you better get to be friends first." ** 040 After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened?" "As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife. "Piss on him," answered the husband. "You did," said the wife, "and he fired you." "Well, fuck him," said the husband. "I did, and you go back to work in the morning." ** 041 Upon answering the door to her whorehouse, the madam was surprised to see an amputee. "Look at yourself," the madam said, "no arms, no legs, what could you possibly do?" The amputee replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" ** 042 Did you hear about the new daredevil, Ku Klux Knievel? He's going to try to jump over 50 blacks with a steamroller! ** 043 This fellow was screwing his best friend's wife when he suddenly stopped and sat on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands. "What the hell has happened to you?" the lady asked. "I feel like a regular son of a bitch, getting my best friends pussy," the man moaned. The lady reached over and patted him on the back. "Well, if that's all it is, you can stop worrying," she said. "You're not getting his pussy. His pussy is five to six inches deeper." ** 044 One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The mother said to the young man, "That was wonderful. You should be a doctor!" The ungrateful father jumped up, twisted the boy's arm behind his back and yelled, "Doctor, my ass! He's going to be our son-in-law. Smell his fingers!" ** 045 One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket. "Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this." "Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!" ** 046 Three men of the cloth - a Catholic priest, a Baptist minister and a Rabbi - were counting collections taken during services for the week. They were trying to come up with an equitable way to divide the money between God (the two churches and one synagogue) and themselves (the clerics' weekly income). The priest was the first to speak: "I know what! I'll draw a line down the middle of the sanctuary, toss the money up in the air, and whatever falls on the right side of the line is for God and whatever falls on the left side is for us." The Baptist minister cried, "No! No! No! I'll draw a circle in the middle of the sanctuary, toss the money up in the air, and whatever falls inside the circle is for God and whatever falls outside the circle is for us." The Rabbi then asked the two other men to accompany him outside. There he offered this suggestion: "What I would do with the money is this: Toss it up in the air, and whatever God catches is His and whatever falls on the ground is ours." ** 047 Two Polacks purchased a bird dog. They took the dog out to give it a try. After a long while one Polack said to the other, "Well, we'll throw him up in the air one more time. If he doesn't fly, we'll shoot the son of a bitch!" ** 048 During a big fire downtown the firemen were having a bit of trouble. A woman was stuck on the fourth floor with her baby. The fire fighters instructed her to toss the child out the window, under which they had placed a net, but the mother refused. Things looked grim until a tall, well-built black man burst through the crowd and shouted to the women. He said that he was a professional football player and that he could catch the baby safely. After a few minutes more of reassurances by the man, the mother finally let the child drop. The football player made a breathtaking catch, and everybody cheered. At that moment the man suddenly raised the child high in the air, spiked it on the ground and screamed, "Touchdown!" ** 049 A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked "Yes sir,may we help you?" "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said. "We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your ear or whatever." The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" "I can't piss out of it." the man replied. ** 050 Tired of the boring "straights" she'd been laying, a chick decided she'd find out if bikers were really the heavy "cocksmen" that she heard they were. So she picked up a gigantic bro and went went with him up to his pad. Stripped and ready, anxiously awaiting some real action, she was astonished to see that his fully erect crank was only two inches long. "Who," she demanded scornfully,"do you think you're gonna satisfy with that?" Grinning confidently, the bro replied,"Me!" ** 051 The common symptoms of swine flu are: High fever, upset stomach, occasional cramps and an irresistable urge to fuck in the mud. ** 052 Question: How do you kill an Aggie? Answer: Sneak up on him while he's getting a drink of water, then slam the toilet seat on his head. ** 053 At a football game two Texans were seated behind two nuns. One Texan said to his friend, "I can't wait to get back to Dallas. There are only ten Catholics there." His buddy replied, "I can't wait to get back to Houston. There are only five Catholics there." Finally, one of the nuns commented, "You both should go to hell! There aren't any Catholics there!" ** 054 One day a farmer caught a traveling salesman making love to his youngest daughter. Yelling "You son of a bitch!" he shot the amorous salesman in the groin with a .12-gauge shotgun. The screaming salesman quickly took off for town to find a doctor. He found one, but the physician took one look at the man's perforated pecker and told him that nothing could be done for him. "Oh, please do something," begged the salesman. "I'm a rich man and can pay you anything." "Sorry, son," said the doctor. "There's nothing I can do. However, there's a man across the street who might be able to help." "Oh? Is he a specialist?" asked the salesman. "No," said the doctor, "he's a piccolo player. He'll teach you how to hold it without pissing in your face." ** 055 There was a fellow who had never been to bed with a woman, so two of his friends decided to play a trick on him. They bought an inflatable love doll and put it into his bed. Then called him at work and told him the girl of his dreams was home in bed and ready for anything. The next day his friends asked him how things had gone. "Very strange," he replied. "I slipped out of my clothes and got in beside her. She was cold, so I tried to warm her up. Then I bit her on the neck, but she just farted a few times and flew out the window!" ** 056 A conductor, while taking tickets on the train, noticed a lady with a small and extremely ugly baby on her lap. "Lady," the conductor said, "that is by far the ugliest baby I have ever seen." The woman, horrified by the conductor's comment, began screaming at him, and demanded that her money be refunded and the conductor be fired. The head conductor then came into the car and tried to smooth things over. "Listen, lady," he said, "if you will forget all about this matter, I'll see that you get the best treatment possible, I'll give you your money back, and I'll even try to find you a nice, ripe banana for that monkey of yours." ** 057 Three elderly women, recently transplanted from the Northeast to a Florida retirement community, were getting acquainted at poolside. Inevitably, their conversation turned to children. "My son is the most successful doctor on Park Avenue," announced one. Not to be outdone, the second remarked, "My son is the most successful lawyer on Wall Street." The third remained conspicuously silent. Sensing easier game, the first matron inquired, "And you, dear, do you have a son?" "And is he a professional?" demanded the second. "Well, not exactly," answered the third. "Actually, he's a plumber. And not only that, he's gay." Beaming, one of the poor woman's interrogators offered consolation: "Ah, he's not doing so well." This time it was the third woman who smiled. "He's not doing too badly," she explained. "He goes out with the most successful doctor on Park Avenue and the most successful lawyer on Wall Street." ** 058 An Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in an old Western town when he noticed a curious lack of women. Walking into the local saloon he asked a cocky shitkicker, "What do you fellas do around here for entertainment?" "Ya mean women?" asked the shitkicker. "We ain't got none. 'Round here folks fuck sheep." "That's disgusting," cried the correspondent, "I've never heard of such moral degredation." However, after a few months, the correspondent's rocks were beginning to ache and the sheep were looking more and more attractive. So he finally went out and found himself a comely sheep, brought her back to his room, shampooed her and then tied ribbons in her hair. After a bottle of champagne, he lured the sheep into his bedchamber and released his pent-up frustrations. Afterward, he escorted his four-legged lover to the saloon for a drink. As the correspondent and his wooly mate entered, a hush fell over the patrons and the anxious couple became the object of many stares. "You goddamn bunch of hypocrites!" the reporter yelled. "You've been fucking sheep for years, but when I do it up right you look at me like I'm some sort of crazy pervert!" One cowboy in the back of the crowd spoke up, "Yeah, but that's the sheriff's gal!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴�