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      �ۻ  �ۻ        ��ۻ   ��ۻ  ����ۻ  �ۻ �ۻ       �����ۻ   �ۻ
      �ۺ  �ۺ        ���ۻ ���ۺ ������ۻ �ۺ �ۺ      �������ۻ ��ۺ
      ������ۺ ����ۻ ���������ۺ ������ۺ �ۺ �ۺ      �ۺ����ۺ ��ۺ
      ������ۺ ����ͼ �ۺ���ɼ�ۺ ������ۺ �ۺ �ۺ      ����ɼ�ۺ  �ۺ
      �ۺ  �ۺ        �ۺ �ͼ �ۺ �ۺ  �ۺ �ۺ ������ۻ �������ɼ  �ۺ
      �ͼ  �ͼ        �ͼ     �ͼ �ͼ  �ͼ �ͼ ������ͼ  �����ͼ   �ͼ



������������������������������������������������������������������������������



Reminds me of a joke about two Mexicans, sitting against a wall.

Pedro:  Hey, Manuel, ees my zeep open <insert relevant accent>
Manuel: <opens one eye, leans over slightly) No, Pedro, eet ees clozed.

(After two hours)
Pedro:  Hey, Manuel, ees my zeep open <*slightly* more urgent>
Manuel: <opens one eye, leans over slightly) No, Pedro, eet ees steel
	clozed.

(Close to sunset)
Pedro:  Hey, Manuel, ees my zeep open <a *little* urgently>
Manuel: <opens one eye, leans over slightly) No, Pedro, eet ees steel
	clozed (*slightly* irretated)
Pedro:  Eets hokay, I weel pees tomorrow.



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So you want the day off.  Let's take a look at what you are asking for.


There are 365 days per year available for work.  There are 52 weeks per
year in which you already have two days off per week, leaving 261 days
available for work.  Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work,
you have used 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.  You spend 30
minutes each day on coffee break that accounts for 23 days each year,
leaving only 68 days available. With a one hour lunch period each day,
you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for
work.  You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave.  This leaves
you only 20 days available for work.  We are off for 5 holidays per
year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.  We generously
give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available
for work and I'll be . . . . . .if you're going to take that day off!!!



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By this time I am sure you have all heard that our esteemed president's
estranged (or is that e-strange) wife is planning to sue Hustler
magazine. It seems she objects to being voted asshole of the month in
the recent issue.

Well in honour of the occasion, a colleague has composed this nice
little limerick. Enjoy!

The "Mother" of our happy nation
Is suing against defamation
Hustler has claimed
She'll be better named
As the hole that assists defacation



Did you hear about Winnie Mandela's new perfume?
You're the Tyre.


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St Peter was standing at the gates of heaven, extremely tired as he had been
working overtime for the last week.

Jesus took pity on him and offered to fill in for him, while he took a break.

Well, as Jesus was standing there, this old, old man walks by looking
very lost and Jesus asks,  "Can I help you?"

The old man says, "I am looking for my son.  Have you seen him?  He's got
long hair and has a hole in each of his hands."

The astonished Jesus think to himself, "Hey man, this guy's talking about
me!!!" and he asks the old man if his son has any other distinguishing
features.

The old man says, "Yes!  He also has a hole in each foot."

Jesus, overwhelmed, hold out his arms to the old man shouting,
"Father!!  Father!!!"

The old man embraces Jesus shouting, "Pinocchio!!  Pinocchio!!!!


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A sad story, nicked from the Weekly Mail and originally from the
Tembisan:

A gent in Ivory Park squatter camp (name given, but I've forgotten it)
bought a ticket in the Pick 6, put it into his jacket, and went home.
The following day, he went to the Tote and listened as the horses
ran....his horses all romped in! His ticket was now worth R300000! He
screamed "I'm rich, I'm rich" and ran home. Once there, he shouted
that he was though with this poverty bit, he was going to buy a new
everything. To prove it, he chased out his wife and children and set
his shack alight. Watching it burn down he remembered where he'd left
the jacket with the winning ticket..........


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A man went to a restaurant.  After a while the waiter arrived and asked to take
his order.  The man sain that he had not seen a menu yet, to which the waiter
replied that they had none.  "You order anything, and we put it on your table
in precisely 30 minutes," the waiter said, and waited for a reply.
This has to be a sham the man thought and ordered a lion heart in peri-peri
sause.  Half an hour later there arrived at his table a dish of lion heart in
peri-peri sauce.  "How do I know this a real lion heart?" the man asked
promply.  Unflustered the waiter asked the man to follow him into the kitchen.
There on the butchersblock was a lion with its ribcage open missing one heart!

"Ok! You win, but has there ever been anything you could not deliver?"
"Actually yes.  Once we were asked for mermaid mammaries on toast... But we had
no bread."



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			 TFC TOURS

Dear lucky customer

TFC (Too *ucking cheap) tours makes this once in a lifetime offer to you. The
cruise aboard the luxury liner "BOTTOM OF THE OCEANOS", offers you a two night
trip from Cape Town to Coffee Bay (one way only) for a price that`s sinking
fast.

The ship is chartered by TFC (Too fucking cheap) tours from it`s greek owners.
You will find that the Greek captain makes a runnaway sucess of managing his
vessel. At the end of your cruise you will recieve (at no extra cost) one of
the following:

A lifeboat ride
A long distance swim, or
A helicopter ride.

We do, however, recommend that you include the following in your luggage:

1. Wet suit and diving gear
2. ship to shore radio
3. waterproof luggage
4. rubber duck (if you have the room).

Service on board (when available) is rendered by the Greek
crew, who are well versed in safety and mass evacuation
procedures,and will demostrate them with no hesitation. In
the most unlikely event of a mishap at sea, remember that
when you hear the Greek expression "HOKAY MEFURST" over the loudspeakers, it is
the captain giving the order to abandon ship. He will then co-ordinate the
rescue of all the other passengers from his hotel room in Durban.

Looking forward to welcoming you on board. You are sure to
have a magic end to your tour, as our resident magician and entertainment crew
will be with you all the way.

Yours sincerely

URON YOUROWN
CAPTAIN

P.S.  Please ensure that your insurance is up to date.


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A salesman aproached Jimmy, sitting on the stoep of a house. "Sonny," he asked,
"is your mommy home?"

"Yep," he said.

The salesman began to ring the doorbell. He rang, and rang, and rang, but there
was no answer. Finally he turned to Jimmy and said angrily, "I thought you said
your mommy was home!"

"I did," said Jimmy, "but this isn't my house!"




Evolution is Science Fiction! (Tony SeiFART)



 DB> Confucius say: Secretary not part of furniture till screwed on desk.

 Right, an' what is the difference between a blonde and a Mercedes emblem?
 One gets screwed on the bonnet, an' the other is a car emblem!

 DB> -= Actuaries do it with assurance =-
 DB> So what! Auditors do it with internal control!!!

 Yeah. An' Assassins do it from behind!



... Itsdifficulttobeverycreativewithonlyfiftysevencharacters.



Two balloons were floating in the desert.
One said to the other : "Watch out! A cactussssssssssss... "
The other replied : "Oh fffffffffff... "


What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend ?
He wiped his ass !


Moses comes down from the mountain, carrying the tablets of the
Ten Commandments.  He speaks to the people:
"Folks, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is that I've talked Him down to only ten commandments!
The bad news is that adultery is still one of them."


God goes to a Roman and says:
"Do you want a commandment?"
"Give me an example," says the Roman.
"You shall not kill"
"Never."

God goes to an Arab"
"Do you want a commandment?"
"Give me an example."
"You shall not commit adultery."
"I have five wives...never."

God goes to Moses."
"Do you want a commandment?"
"How much do they cost?"
"Nothing."
"Give me ten."


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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle most wise,
>
> I have three cats.  Two speak normally and say 'miaow',
> but the third, still a kitten, says 'miaowmaiow'.
> Why is this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Cat translation dictionary
}         Volume I -- Common phrases
}
}          compiled by T. U. Oracle
}
} Cat phrase              Means
} ==========              =====
} miaow                   Feed me.
}
} meeow                   Pet me.
}
} mrooww                  I love you.
}
} Miioo-oo-oo             I am in love and must meet my
}                         betrothed outside beneath the hedge.
}                         Don't wait up.
}
} mrow                    I feel like making noise.
}
} rrrow-mawww             Please, the time is come to tidy
}                         the cat box.
}
} rrrow-miawww            I have remedied the cat box untidiness
}                         by shoveling the contents as far out
}                         of the box as was practical.
}
} miaowmiaow              Play with me.
}
} Miaowmioaw              Have you noticed the shortage of
}                         available cat toys in this room?
}
} mioawmioaw              Since I can find nothing better to
}                         play with, I shall see what happens
}                         when I sharpen my claws on this
}                         handy piece of furniture.
}
} raowwwww                I think I shall now spend time
}                         licking the most private parts
}                         of my anatomy.
}
} mrowwwww                I am now recalling, with
}                         sorrow, that some of my private
}                         parts did not return with me
}                         from that visit to the vet.
}
} Roww-maww-roww          I am so glad to see that you have
}                         returned home with both arms full
}                         of groceries. I will now rub myself
}                         against your legs and attempt to
}                         trip you as you walk towards the
}                         kitchen.
}
} gakk-ak-ak              My digestive passages seem to have
}                         formed a hairball. Wherever could
}                         this have come from? I shall leave
}                         it here upon the carpeting.
}
} mow                     Snuggling is a good idea.
}
} moww                    Shedding is pretty good, too.
}
} mowww!                  I was enjoying snuggling and shedding
}                         in the warm clean laundry until you
}                         removed me so unkindly.
}
} Miaow! Miaow!           I have discovered that, although one
}                         may be able to wedge his body through
}                         the gap behind the stove and into that
}                         little drawer filled with pots and pans,
}                         the reverse path is slightly more
}                         difficult to navigate.
}
} Mraakk!                 Oh, small bird! Please come over here.
}
} ssssRoww!               I believe that I have found a
}                         woodchuck or similar animal.
}
} mmmrowmmm               It is certain that the best tasting
}                         fish is one you have caught yourself.
}
} mmmmmmm                 If I sit in the sunshine for another
}                         hour or so, I think I shall be
}                         satisfied.
}
} Mreoaw                  Please ask room service to send up
}                         another can of tunafish.
}
} Mreeeow                 Do you serve catnip with that?
}
} mroow                   I have forced my body into a tiny
}                         space in order to look cute.
}                         How'm I doin?
}
} Miaooww! Mriaow!        Since you are using the can opener,
}                         I am certain that you understand the
}                         value of a well-fed and pampered
}                         cat. Please continue.
}
} As you can see, it may take years of practice to be able to accurately
} distinguish some of these forms.
}

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Two things to do with cats:

     The cat and toast generator.

Materials needed:

1.  1 Cat.
2.  1 Piece of buttered toast.
3.  1 Expensive carpet.
4.  A pole.
5.  String.
6.  Generator.

Method:

1.  Tie buttered toast to back of cat.
2.  Insert pole between cat and toast.
3.  Suspend above expensive carpet.
4.  Connect to generator.

Cat will try to land on feet, toast on carpet.  The whole will start
spinning and generate electricity.

Note:  In some countries, the pole might have to give his consent
before you can use him. It works better on someone else's carpet.

I accept no responsibility for any injuries received in rigging this
apparatus.  Any suggestions to improve the design are welcomed.


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I was channel surfing the other night when I came across this guy on
QVC giving a demo of Windows on a ThinkPad 500.  After a few choice
comments from the slick salesman, I started taking notes.  (I didn't
want to divert my attention long enough to find a tape...)

  He started out by explaining that icons were like glimpses of what
was behind them, and proceeded to show the Accessories "menu."  He
talked about how wonderful this deal was since the machine came with
so much preloaded software, and then gave a brief description of each
icon in Accessories.
   First there was "A-Write" the "word processing package" (I think he
called it "A-Write" because the icon for Write has a fountain pen
drawing an A...)
   Then there was Paintbrush, which allows you to "do your 3D work" he
said.  "For example, if you were designing a house, you could keep all
the floor plans and layouts in here."
   Next was Terminal, "which lets you uhhh, uhhhh, add another uhh,
terminal to your computer."
   He fumbled a little more and skipped Notepad, presumably because he
couldn't make up anything good to say just after describing "A-Write."
   Next: "It has this Recorder, which helps you be a little like
Steven Spielberg...it interfaces directly with your VHS cassetes."
   While pointing at the next icon he proudly announced that the
machine even came with a built-in Clock.
   There was Calculator, which of course "manages your finances."
   He mentioned some of the "executive" features, like Calendar and
Cardfile.
   He pretty much gave up at Object Packager, but saved the moment by
kicking into a demo of the "word processing package" because "If
you're like me, that's where your family will spend most of it's
time."
   In his "A-Write" demo, he drooled about how versatile the software
was. (somehow the common font picker dialog just didn't convince me to
pick up the phone and order a ThinkPad) As proof of how useful the
"word processing package" was, he "printed in" a sentence: "Dean shows
hot computers on qvc."  Then "Oh jeez!" he exclaimed, "It's been a
long day folks, I mispelled my own first name!" (Dan) He proceeded to
hit the backspace key 31 TIMES, leaving only the 'D'.  He started
retyping the rest of the sentence, but gave up midway and moved on.
"Let me tell you something: This thing will really change your life!"
   He started babbling about "executive" features again and fired up
the cardfile "database system."  It kinda took the punch out when the
camera zoomed back in and you saw that there were three dessert
recipes on the screen.

   The stupidity went on, but mostly on other bundled things like
"C-Mail" (I think he meant Lotus Cc:Mail) and some IBM antivirus
utilities.

   An interesting note: In one screen shot it was evident that IBM had
replaced the MS-DOS icon with a PC-DOS icon that looks almost
identical to the OS/2 logo.  Later on, while showing off the manuals,
he held up the clearly labelled "IBM PC-DOS" book and said "...you get
an MS-DOS manual..."


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HYMN TO MICHAEL JACKSON

I fucked the ass of Bubbles
And got him into trouble
I sucked the twat of Liz
And sprayed her face with jizz
I gulp down evil shit
As if it were a feast
I gulp down small boys' cum
Just like a Cath'lic priest!


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: Q: What colour were Kurt Cobain's eyes?

: A: "BLUE".  (One "blew" this way <- and the other "blew" that way ->)



Objoke: No truth in the rumour that Courtney Love is re-recording 'Hole
lotta love' or 'Heartshaped Blot' ... weak but what the hell ... it's late
here ...


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BOOKS NEVER WRITTEN:

SBC>   "Spot on the Wall" by Hu Flung Poo

SBC>   "Rusty Bedsprings" by I.P. Nightly

SBC>   "The Joy of Sex" by E.Z. Sales

SBC>    "Overpopulation in China" by WEE FUCKUM YUNG

:        "Hawaiian Love Story" by Kim Oniwanalaya

"50 Yards to the Outhouse" by Willy Makitt
"Yellow River" by I. P. Freely
"Lesbianism in Ancient and Modern China" by Tu-Kan Chu

(and incidentially I always heard the Hu Flung Pu one as "Brown Spots On
Wall"... :)


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: Q: What did Helen Keller's parents do when they caught her swearing?

: A: Washed her hands with soap and water.


: Q: How does HK drive?

: A: One hand on the wheel, one hand on the road.


: Q: Did you hear about the book HK wrote?

: A: "Around the block in 80 days".


: Q: What did HK say when she fell off the cliff?

: A: UUUGHHHYYYYIIIIAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Q: Why did HK's son run away?
A: You would too if your name was UGGYHHHUHHGGU.


HK fell in a hole and screamed her hands off.


Q: Why does HK play the piano using only one hand?
A: She sings with the other.
V2: (some tell it about masturbating & moaning).


Q: Why can't HK drive?
A: Because she's a woman.


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: A Minister, a Priest and A Rabbi were discussing how they divided up the
: collection money every week.

: The Priest said "I draw a circle on the floor, then I throw the money up
: in the air.  Whatever falls outside the circle goes to God, the money
: inside the circle is for me!"

: The Minister said "Well, I use a similar method.  I also draw a circle on
: the ground, but the money inside the circle is for God, and whatever lands
: outside the circle is for me."

: The Rabbi smiled and said "Well, I've perfected both your methods.  I just
: throw the money up in the air.  Whatever God wants, he takes, whatever
: falls is for me!"


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: (Chorkle)

: Q:  Why did the Jews roam the desert for 40 yrs?
: A:  One of them lost a quarter!

: (Grin)

: Q:  Did you hear about the new German microwave?
: A:  It seats 12.

: (very bad I know...)

: Q:  Why do Jews have such big noses?
: A:  Because air is free.

: (snicker)


Q: How do you make copper wire?

A: You give a penny to two jews.



:             ,,,
:            (0 0)
: +----oOO----(_)-----------+
: |        <<< Me >>>       |
: |     lollipop@cml.com    |
: |     Toronto - Canada    |
: +------------------oOO----+
:           |__|__|
:            || ||
:           ooO Ooo

: ---
:  * WR  # 481 * Some days you're a bug, other days a windshield.



What's the best thing about fucking an eight year old girl?

Turning her over and pretending she is an eight year old boy.


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God and Gabriel are sitting in heaven looking down on the
wonders of creation when God says "Gabby, I'm going to create
a country called 'Scotland'.  It's going to have majestic
purple mountains, crystal clear waters, lush green glens,
fertile lowlands where a crop called barley will grow from
which an amber coloured nectar called Whisky can be made,
beautiful women ... ".  "Hold on, hold on", says Gabby,
"aren't you being a little overgenerous to these Scots?"
"Naah", says God, "just wait 'till you see the neighbours
they're getting"



The Scots always support two teams in any world class event -
Scotland and whoever is playing against England.


Drive through Gretna Green and you'll always see people having
their photo taken by the "Welcome to Scotland" sign ... never
by the "Welcome to England" sign.

The English - despised throughout the entire world!


----------------------------------------------------------
I have principles.  If you don't like them, I have others.


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					       *
						* *
						 *
			 *
			***
		       / * \
       *              / * * \
      * *            / /\ /\ \
       *            * *  *  * *
		   /\/\ /\ /\/\
		  / * Merry  * \
		  **   XMAS   **
		 /\ ********** /\
		/\  And Happy   /\
	       ** \ New Year   / **
	      ///////////\\\\\\\\\\\
			/\
			**
			/\
			/\

English:  Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year
Polish: Wesolych Swiat Bozego Narodzenia i Szczesliwego Nowego Roku
Lithuanian: Linksmu sventu Kaledu ir Laimingu Nauju Metu
Latvian: Priecigus Ziemas Svetkus un Laimigu Jauno Gadu
Estonian: Roomsaid Joulu Phui ja Uut Aastat
Finnish: Hyvaa Joulua ja Onnellista Uutta Voutta
Hungarian: Boldog Karacsonyl es Ujevl Unnepeket
Russian: Pozdrevlyayu sprazdnikom Rozhdestva Khristova is Novim Godom
Ukrainian: Veselykh Svyat i scaslivoho Novoho Roku
Bulgarian: Tchestito Rojdestvo Hristovo. Tchestita Nova Godina
Czech: Prejeme Vam Vesele Vanoce a stastny Novy Rok
Slovak: Vesele Vianoce.  A stastlivy Novy Rok
Serb-Croatian: Sretam Bozic.  Vesela Nova Godina
Slovene: Vesele Bozicne.  Screcno Novo Leto
Gaelic-Irish: Nolag mhaith Dhuit Agus Bliain Nua Fe Mhaise
Gaelic-Scot: Nollaig Chridheil agus Bliadhna Mhath Ur
Welsh: Nadolic Llawen. Blwyddn Newdd Dda
Spanish: Feliz Navidad y prospero Ano Nuevo
Italian: Buon Natalie e felice Capo d'Anno
Azeri-Azerbaijan: Tezze Iliniz Yahsi Olsun
Romanian: Sarbatori Fericite.  La Multi Ani
French: Joyeux Noel et heureuse Anne
Portuguese: Feliz Natal e propero Ano Novo
German: Fr�hliche Weihnachten und ein gl�ckliches neues Jahr
Dutch: Zalig Kerstfeest en een Gelukkig Nieuwjaar
Swedish: Glad jul och ett gott Nytt ar
Norse-Danish: Gledlig jul og godt Nytt Aar
Icelandic: Gledlig jol og Nyar
Basque: Zorionstsu ENguberri. Zoriontsu Berri Urte
Greek: Kala Khristougena kai Eftikhes to Neon Etos
Turkish: Yeni Yilnizi Kutar, saadetler dilerim
Singhalese (Sri Lanka): Subha nath thalak Vewa.  Subha Aluth Awrudhak Vewa
Hebrew: Mo'adim Lesimkha
Armenian: Shenoraavor Nor Dari yev Pari Gaghand
Rapa-Nui (Easter Island): Mata-Ki-Te-Rangi.  Te-Pito-O-Te-Henua
Korean: Sung Tan Chuk Ha
Chinese-Cantonese: Gun Tso Sun Tan'Gung Haw Sun
Chinese-Mandarin: Kung Ho Hsin Hsi.  Ching Chi Shen Tan
Japanese: Shinnen omedeto.  Kurisumasu Omedeto
Indonesian: Selamah Tahun Baru
Tagalog (Filipino): Maligayamg Pasko. Masaganang Bagong Taon
Samoan: La Maunia Le Kilisimasi Ma Le Tausaga Fou
Urdu: Christmas aur khoushgawar naya sal Mubarak hou
Hawaiian: Mele Kalikimake me ka Hauloi Makahiki hou

And of course in Klingonese: ""
but Klingons aren't Merry men and have no such phrase :-)



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This Is My Rifle; This Is My Gun, Dept.
---------------------------------------

We are faced with dire emergency!

Many men are walking around with penises! Most of these
penises are loaded and a good number will shoot automatically!

What is to keep these men bearing short-arms from raping
innocent women or even children? Nothing!

Even while you are reading this message, somewhere in our
nation an innocent woman (or a child) is being raped with a
deadly assault penis!

Penises must be outlawed, or at least registered. Laws must be
passed making it a felony to venture out in public with a
concealed penis. A federal agency must be set up to deal with
cases where penises are carried (or mailed) across state lines!
A mandetory sentence of twenty years hard labor must be
meted out for any crime involving a penis.

Some misguided or just plain mean-spirited people have claimed
that "Penises don't rape people, people rape people." They are
just racist, sexist, anti-Semitic, penis-nuts.

President Bill Clinton has said, "There is no reason to own them!"

Ban the penis! Save the children!

DISCLAIMER: The above claim, idiotic as it may sound, is no
	    sillier, is no more illogical than any arguement
	    for "gun control" of any kind!

BTW When penises are outlawed, only outlaws will have penises!

    They can take my penis when they pry my cold dead fing...err...umm



   _=__________________________-
  /  ////  (____) RsaGUN______ |
  |_////_________________(____|
     )/  o  /) /  )/
    (/     /)__\_))
   (/     /)
  (/     /)
 (/_ o _/)



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	      The 1994 Budget Debate


     The Country was in such a terrible state
     when the parties all sat for a budget debate.
     It was a few minutes before Mandela spoke
     then he said " sex will cost you a dollar a poke "

     Whether you're short, long, tiny or thick
     the tax will be paid for the use of your prick.
     Jay Naidoo said " now Nelson my dear,
     will the tax apply to boys who are queer "?

     Slovo arose and looked rather glum
     " will I be taxed for the use of my bum "?
     Mandela replied and sounded quite airy
     " The tax will double for you, you old fairy ".

     Then Terblanche arose to a thunderous applause
     he grabbed Winnie Mandela and ripped off her draws.
     He straddled across her and rode her at will
     then he shouted at Nelson " put that on my bill."

     The debate carried on an oh what a sight
     Sam Ramsammy was wanking throughout the whole night.
     The speaker then said " Let the voters decide
     but I think they will settle for a dollar a ride. "

     So now in the bedrooms of the country at night
     there's many a fanny that's closed good and tight.
     We're taxed on our income and taxed on our smoking
     but we didn't expect to be taxed on our poking.

     If a dollar a screw is the price we must pay
     The answer is this : with ourselves we must play.
     To quench our frustration we now have to wank
     for the state of our Country we have Mandela to thank.

The Author of this poem is Unknown....

[Don't you think that this is the type of poetry that we
 should study in school, instead of all that boring old
 English shit!]
	     H0p� U en0yed �t |-)


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		    THE NEW SOUTH AFRICAN DICTIONARY
	     A survivors guide to New South African English.

Arwa                         -  As in "arwa dee-maands"
Beck                         -  Not front
Beds                         -  Mossies, Doves ect
Ben                          -  To set alight
Cut                          -  A Small Donkey-drawn Vehicle
Doe                          -  A hinged device for closing a hole
				in a wall.
Feather                      -  As in Cape Town is Feather away than
				Durban
Errors                       -  Districts i.e. ebbon errors
Get                          -  A hinged device in a fence
Gaddin                       -  Where you grow Kabbi-jess
Hair                         -  As opposed to him
hiss                         -  Masculine form of hairs
I`m so heppi                 -  I have just voted
Itch                         -  As in " itch and Aviary"
Kah                          -  What you Drive in
Kennel                       -  Army officer
Kipper                       -  e.g. Goal Kipper
Kettle                       -  Cows
Len                          -  To Acquire Knowledge
Mick                         -  Those who inerit the eth
Pee Pull                     -  Die Mense
Phlegm                       -  The bening tip of a Kandal
Piss                         -  Symbollised by white doves
Sheep                        -  Big Boat
ship                         -  Provider of wool
So Then                      -  Pertains to the south - eg. So Then
				Africa
Spitch                       -  What polititions make at a relly.
Suffa Ring                   -  As in " the pee pull ah suffa ring"
Teksi                        -  Kah for hire
Tocks                        -  Negotiations
Tipic ally                   -  Charictoristic
We Men                       -  Ladies
Wepon                        -  A Gun
Weaned                       -  An Ill one blows nobody ant good
Weaner                       -  Takes All
Wekkas                       -  Do the Wek
Weds                         -  What you find in a book
Weld                         -  The eth



... ----> If you cut here, you'll ruin your monitor. <----




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		   Qualifying Examination


Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all ques-
tions.  Time Limit - 4 hours. Begin immediately.

1.  History

Describe the history of the papacy from its origins  to  the
present  day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively,
on its social, political, economic,  religious,  and  philo-
sophical  impact  on  Europe,  Asia, America, and Africa. Be
brief, concise, and specific.

2.  Medicine

You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze,
and  a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture
until  your  work  has  been  inspected.  You  have  fifteen
minutes.

3.  Public Speaking

2,500 riot-crazed aborigines  are  storming  the  classroom.
Calm them.  You may use any ancient language except Latin or
Greek.

4.  Biology

Create life. Estimate the differences  in  subsequent  human
culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years
earlier, with special attention to its  probable  effect  on
the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.

5.  Music

Write a piano concerto.  Orchestrate  and  perform  it  with
flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

6.  Psychology

Based on your degree of knowledge of their  works,  evaluate
the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed
frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodi-
sias,  Rameses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi. Support your
evaluations with quotations from  each  man's  work,  making
appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

7.  Sociology

Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the
end  of  the  world.  Construct  an  experiment to test your
theory.

8.  Management Science

Define Management. Define Science. How do they relate?  Why?
Create  a  generalized  algorithm to optimize all managerial
decisions. Assuming an 1130  CPU  supporting  50  terminals,
each terminal to activate your algorithm; design the commun-
ications interface and all necessary control programs.

9.  Engineering

The disassembled parts of a  high-powered  rifle  have  been
placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruc-
tion manual, printed in Swahili. In  ten  minutes  a  hungry
Bengal  tiger  will  be  admitted to the room. Take whatever
action you feel is appropraite. Be prepared to justify  your
decision.

10.  Economics

Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national  debt.
Trace  the  possible  effects  of your plan in the following
areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy, the wave theory  of
light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criti-
cize this method from all possible points of view. Point out
the  deficiencies  in your point of view, as demonstrated in
your answer to the last question.

11.  Political Science

There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World
War  III.   Report at length on its socio-political effects,
if any.

12.  Epistemology

Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity  of
your position.

13.  Physics

Explain the nature of matter.  Include  in  your  answer  an
evaluation  of  the impact of the development of mathematics
on science.

14.  Modern Physics:

Disprove Einstein's Theory of Relativity.  Construct an
experiment to prove your position.

15.  Philosophy

Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its signi-
ficance.   Compare with the development of any other kind of
thought.

16.  Foreign Affairs:

It has recently been suggested (especially after Black
Monday) that only a foreign war can restore America's lost national con-
sensus.  Propose the ideal opponent(s) for the US in such a war, and how
the conflict might be engineered so that US would seem not to be the ag-
ressor in the situation.  Discuss the pros and cons.

17.  Art:

Explain Mona Lisa's smile.

18.  Juris Prudence:

In Part 2 of Shakespeare's "Henry VI",  Jack Cade,  the
leader of the populist revolt, proposes that the first order of business
following a successful coup d'e'tat could be to  "kill all the lawyers".
In light of the present populist  mood in the United States,  assess the
utility and any potential impact of such a policy today.

19.  Religion:

Assuming the Judeo-Christian moral structure,  take the stand
for Adam and Eve,  and the eating of the forbidden fruit.   Explain your
position fully to a Chassidic Rabbi, and answer his arguments.  An Angl-
ican bishop will moderate this debate.

20.  General Knowledge

Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.


Extra Credit

Define the Universe; give three examples.


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A man was travelling the world and heard about an old apache indian chief with
a remarkable memory. So he decided to check him out. When he met him, he
started to ask many questions about the past, and found out that this chiefs
memory was astounding. He could remember infinite details. The traveller then
decided to catch the chief outWhat did you have for breakfast on your tenth
birthday?The chief thought long and hard and finally answered "Eggs". Astounded
the traveller left. Years went by and the traveler caught up with the Indian
chief again. He decided to greet him in the old Apache Indian way."How!!" he
said and raised his right hand in the air. The apache indian Replied
"Scrammbled!"


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	      Principles of Murphy's law for the Engineer
	      ===========================================

1.   Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.

2.   It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so
ingenious.

3.   Specified environmental conditions will always be exceeded.

4.   Interchangeable parts won't.

5.   Any wire or tube out to length will be too short.

6.   Identical units tested under identical conditions will not be identical
     in the field.

7.   Availability of a part is inversely proportional to the need for the part.

8.   Tolerances will accumulate unidirectional toward maximum difficulty of
     assembly.

9.   Hermetic seals will leak.

10.  After an instrument has been fully assembled, extra parts will be found on
     the bench.

11.  Any safety factor set as a result of practical experience will always be
     exceeded.

12.  Components that must not and cannot be assembled improperly, will be.

13.  The probability of a dimension being omitted from a drawing is directly
     proportional to its improtance.

14.  Any error that can creep in, will.  It will be in the direction that will
     do the most damage.

15.  All constants are variable.

16.  In a complex calculation, one factor from the numerator will always move
     into the denominator.

17.  In any given calculation, the figure that is most obviously correct will
     be the source of error.

18.  The most logical way to assemble components will be the wrong way.

19.  In any given miscalculation, the fault will never be placed if more than
     one person is involved.

20.  The more innocouos a design change appears, the further its influence will
     extend.

21.  Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable terms.

22.  The necessity for making a major design change increases as the job nears
     completion.


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How to be Annoying online

1) Make up fake acronyms.  Online veterans like to use abbreviations
   like IMHO (in my humble opinion) or ROTFL (rolling on the floor
   laughing) to show that they're "hip" to the lingo.  Make up your own
   that don't stand for anything e.g. SETO, BARL, C3PO, use them
   liberally, and then refuse to explain what they stand for. ("You
   don't know? RTFM.")

2) WRITE MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND DON'T USE RETURNS SO THAT EVERYONE
   HAS TO SCROLL ACROSS THEIR SCREENS TO READ EVERY LINE.  ALSO USE A
   LOT OF !!!!!!!!! TO SHOW THAT YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT BEING HERE!!!!

3) When replying to your mail, correct everyone's grammar and spelling
   and point out their typos, but don't otherwise respond to the content
   of their messages.  When they respond testily about your "creative
   criticism," do it again.  Continue until they go away.

4) Software and files offered online are often compressed so that it
   won't take so long to travel over the phone lines.  Buy a compression
   program that compresses everything you send, including one-word email
   responses like "Thanks."

5) Upload text files with Bible passages about sin or guilt and give
   them names like "SexyHousewives1", then see how many people download
   it.  Challenge your friends to come up with the most popular come-on.

6) cc: all your mail to Al Gore (vice-president@whitehouse.gov) so that
   he can keep track of what's happening on the net.

7) Join a discussion group, and tie whatever's being discussed back to
   an unrelated central theme.  For instance, if you're in a discussion
   of gun control, respond to every message with the observation that
   those genetically superior tomatoes seem to have played an important
   role. Within days, all discussion of gun control will have ceased as
   people write you threatening messages and instruct others to ignore
   you.


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Limerick of the week!
*********************

There was a young man from Belgrave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.
He said "I admit
I'm bit of a *hit,
But think of the money I save"

		     ***********************

Experience is the thing that teaches you
to recognise a mistake when you've made
it again.

		     ***********************

The reason lighting doesn't
strike twice in the same place
is because the same place isn't
there the second time around.

		     ***********************

My girlfriend's such a bimbo.
I bought her a book on oral sex
and she ate it.......

		     ***********************

Marriage is not a word : It is a sentence.

		     ***********************

There is nothing wrong with sobriety in moderation.

		     ***********************

The best way to fight a woman is with your hat.
Grab it and run.

		     ***********************

If you drink, don't drive. Don't even try to putt.

		     ***********************

A thought for the downtrodden: Even a kick in the ass is a
			       step forward...

		     ***********************

A buddhist saying: "Ashes don't return to wood".

		     ***********************

My wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday.
   I told her I wanted a jersey the same colour as my eyes.
"Don't be dumb", said my wife. "They don't make them in bloodshot".

		     ***********************

If you're looking for a helping hand, you'll find it
at the end of your arm.

		     ***********************

Did you hear about the two gay sailors?
  They gave each other a tug for Christmas.

		     ***********************

Not long after the election, Eugene Terre'blanche pays a courtesy
call on Nelson Mandela.
After the usual pleasantries, the AWB leader gets straight to the
point: "Mr President, I'm a changed man and I want to apologise for
being such a racist asshole in the past. In fact, to prove that my
heart's in the right place, I'd like to ask a special favour of you."
  "Name it," replies the magnamimouse Mandela.
"When I die," says Terre'blanche, " I want you to gather a thousand
blacks and have them toyi-toyi all over my grave".
   Nelson looks suprised and says: "Are you sure that's what you want?"
"Absolutely," says Eugene.
"In fact, if you can get 10000 that'll be even better".
  "Ok," says Mandela. "And where do you plan to be buried?"
"At Sea."

		   **************************

Dating is tiresome because it involves having to listen to
irrelevencies about his/her interests, work, family, hopes,
fears and pithy philosophies about life.

		   **************************

Any fool can be diligent, but it takes dedication to be really slack.

		   **************************

Love is the fart
of every heart;
It pains a man when 'tis kept
close;
And others doth offend, when 'tis
let loose.


... Best file compression around! "DEL *.*" - 100% comp.


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I was about to open a jar of Mayonaise when I saw a seal stuck onto the lid
with the following words on it, "Sealed for your Protection". At first I was
very shocked that I was so close to opening such a dangerous jar, and at the
same time thankful that someone had the foresight of putting a warning label on
it.

Later my shock turned to anger as I realized that such a dangerous substance
should never have been for sale as food in the first place. I had an idea, and
started looking for similar labels on other food substances. Even more shocked
I found a total of 5 labels on various other containers for "food".

My question is this, why are these dangerous substances "sealed for our
protection", but still for sale? I shudder to think of the hundreds of people
who have died because of this negligence.
And why don't we hear of any fatalaties due to these dangerous substances? Have
I uncovered a major plot? Has this been kept silent for so long?


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6 6 6 in ASCII is an ACKnowledge ACKnowledge ACKnowledge command.
6 6 6 is to Acknowledge a buy, to acknowledge a sell, and to
acknowledge travel. A triple acknowledge transaction by computers
predicted in the bible.

666= sum of ASCII codes for "BILLGATES" + 3 which is ASCII `End of
Text', meaning the beginning of the Graphics User Interface with Windows
for PC's using an Icon which is the image of the beast. I CON you not.

I bet the anti-windows people out there will have a ball with this one. :)


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There was an older gentleman, let's call him Steve, who decided to
return to college to pursue a degree.  Not being sure of what he wanted
to take, he begin to look around campus at all the different colleges.
He saw the college of Physics, the college of Sociology, the college of
Psychology and the college of Assuming. Having never heard of a college
of Assuming, Steve was puzzled.

While he stood there pondering what it was about, the Dean of the
college happened by and inquired if he could help.  Steve replied, "I've
never heard of the college of Assuming.  What is it?"

"Well, I'm the Dean of the college.  Here in the College of
Assuming, we take Assumption to a new art form." said the Dean.

"I still don't understand." replied Steve.
"Let's try this. "Can I assume you have a dog?" asked the Dean.
"Why yes, I do have a dog." replied Steve.
"And can I assume that you have a back yard for your dog to play
in?" inquired the Dean.
"Why yes, I do have a back yard for my dog." said Steve.
"Ok, and can I further assume that because you have a back yard you
also have a house."  said the Dean.
"Why yes, I do have a house." said Steve beginning to be amazed.
"Now, because you have a house and a dog, and a back yard, can I
then assume that you have a wife." said the Dean flatly.
"That's amazing!  Yes, I do have a wife." said Steve.
"Then because you have a wife, can I assume you are not gay?"
inquired the Dean.
"Why no, I'm not gay." replied Steve.
"There you see," stated the Dean.  "From the simple fact of
assuming you had a dog, I was able to assume you had a house with a
back yard, a wife, and you are not gay."

Clearly amazed, Steve enrolled in the class of assumptions.  One
day, about three weeks later while waiting for class to start, Steve saw
a very puzzled man in the halls.  Wanting to try his new skills and be
of assistance, Steve approached the man.  "Can I help you?" inquired Steve.

"Why yes." replied the man.  "What is the college of Assuming?"
Delighted, Steve replied.  "The College of Assuming takes
Assumption to a new art form."
"I'm still not sure I understand."  replied the man.
"Well let me give you an example." said Steve.  "Do you own a dog?"
asked Steve.
"Well no." replied the man.

Steve quickly stepped back and said, "You fag!"


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Two idiots went into a movie theater to see a horse race film. The
first idiot said to his companion, "I'll bet you $5 that No. 2 will
win the race."  The second idiot agreed to the bet, and the horse won
After the movie, the first idiot said, "I have a confession to make.
I saw the movie yesterday."
The other idiot replied, "So did I, but I didn't think he would win
twice in a row."

....

Did you hear about the computer salesman with two red ears who went
to the doctors office? The doctor asked him what had happened to his
ear.
"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang," answered the salesman
"But instead of picking up the phone I picked up the iron and stuck
it to my ear."

"Wow," the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But then, what happened
to your other ear?"
The salesman replied, "Whoever it was called back."

....

Two older men sat on a bench in the park.  One said, "I hear
that eating raw oysters puts lead in your pencil."
The other man said, "I don't like raw oysters, and to tell
the truth, I don't have any women to write to!"

....

A Scotsman won the lottery....yet had a very long face. When
asked why, he replied, "Aye, it grieves me to think of the money
I wasted on the second ticket."

....


 A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish life-style went
to a party.  The conversation turned to Mozart.  "Absolutely
brilliant, magnificent, a genius!"
 The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked
casually, "Ah, Mozart.  You're so right.  I love him.  Only this
morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Coney Island."
There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was
mortified.

He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now.  Get your
coat and let's get our of here."
As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself.  Finally his wife
turned to him.  "You're angry about something."

"Oh really?" You noticed?"  he sneered.  "I've never been so
embarrassed in my life!  You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to Coney
Island?  You idiot!  Don't you know the No. 5 bus doesn't go to
Coney Island?"


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I still think that this Pentium Flaw may be the best thing that has ever
happened to Intel.  And why it may have been done on purpose.
Read why below:

With the problems in the PowerPC taking off as the Troika had originally
hoped, Intel's problem is now the x86 cloners.

If Intel replaces all the damaged Pentiums, it will cost them a lot
-- perhaps hundreds of millions of dollars.  This seems like a lot
but one, Intel can afford it, and two, this more importantly raises the
stakes in the clone game.  For if ANY of those clone microprocessors don't
work because of subtle bugs people find 6, 12, 18 monthes after they are
introduced, then THEY too will undoubtably have to be
replaced by these upstart microprocessor clone companies.  And it is not
clear that they can afford to do so.  Or if they do, it could easily mortally
wound them since they have to insure 100% software compatability in order
to be salable to consumers and break open the market for their new designs.

Of course it goes with out saying that 100% perfection in building
microprocessor clones is hard to begin with and impossible in practice
in the current super-competitive microprocessor industry.  These new
clone processors simply HAVE to have bugs.  No doubt about it.

I could go into great depth about all this if I want, but I am sure that
people
who follow the microprocessor scene closely know all the generalities of
what I am saying.  Any usenet people who want to expand on these ideas
are welcome too and I don't really think that I am the first to think of
them.

The point is that six months from now, all this will have blown over, Intel
will have replaced some or most or all of the Pentiums and then the costs of
the microprocessor business will have been raised!  Now Intel will hold this
high-minded replacement that they did and bash in over the heads morally
microprocessor company that goofs up its clone chips.  These other companies
lack the financial resources and reputational resources that Intel has.
Now all of them face a small but real chance of a total disaster for them.
Much worse to them if they goof than what Intel has to face.


So in the long term, Intel will have a stronger position in the market.
It has "gained" another element to the cost structure of the
microprocessor industry and furthermore this new element is MUCH in
their favor and gives them back their competitive advantage.

"Intel Inside" will now mean chip replacement policy (of some sorts)
where as having another microprocessor means something along the
lines of "Cavet Emptor" with regard to replacement.

DISCLAIMER:  The above represents serious (but cursory) business analysis.
The below assigns conspiratorial motive and is done so only for
the purposes of ENTERTAINMENT.  Needless to say, if any of the below
were in anyway true, it would be a gross violation of many legal and moral
principles.  (For instance the Sherman Anti-Trust Act.)

So MAYBE, just maybe, Uncle Andy snuck in late one night with the "plummers"
two years ago after the design was finished but before production had occured
led by a camio reapperance of G. Gordon Liddy,
and made a few "adjustments" to the design.  If you think about it, the
facts all fit together!  It had all been planned in advance several years
ago.  Intel knew that they could get away with this (ONCE!) if nobody
ever found out.  Tell everybody that they goofed, pay for the clean up.
And then demand that all the other microprocessor companies follow the
same proceedure. Then sit back, wait for somebody else to goof, and then
watch the customer demands for chip replacement and the damage to the
clone companies reputation for producing a working clone chip wreck that
particular cone chip company and bankrupt it.
  And everything had been planned from the very first day!

  After all they did discover the bug, just before they went to
super-high volume production.  So there aren't "too" many flawed
chips.  Just a few million; this sounds like a lot, but Intel will
probably produce near 100 million Pentiums before the turn of the
century -- just pentiums not even P6's so only a small number of
chips are flawed.  And everything as I have written above will end
up working out in Intel's favor maybe not this year but in the long run!

   Also, Bill Gates was one of the people in on the secret from the
beggining.  This just sort of should be clear.  If not axiomatic
to observers of the computer scene.

--
Disclaimer:  This is of course unfounded speculation on my part.  I have no
evidence that Intel or its employees did such a thing or would do so.

Furthermore, it should be noted also that I have a substinative
vested financial interest in Intel and its success.
--

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		   FUN, JOKES AND LAUGHTER
		   �����������������������

	    Waiter, Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!
  - I'm not surprised, sir, it was ground only a few minutes ago.

			  <<<<<������>>>>>

A very rich  old  man  was  critically  ill.   With death eminent he
summoned his three golfing  partners,  a  priest,  a  doctor  and  a
banker.   He told each of his impending death and that he has worked
very hard for his wealth and  had  decided  to take it all with him.
He was not going  to  leave  it  to  his  ungrateful  family  to  be
squandered.

The  rich  man  told  his  friends  that  he  needed  their  help to
accomplish this task.  He would give  each  of them one third of his
fortune and as he was being laid to rest they were to toss the money
in the grave to be buried with him.

After the funeral the three survivors were discussing the  beautiful
service  and  how  they  would miss their good friend.  Suddenly the
priest said he had a confession  to  make.   He was from a very poor
church and that the poor box was empty and their wasn't enough money
for the poor.  He reluctantly  admitted  that  he  had  kept  a  few
dollars  to  help  a few really needy parishioners.  The doctor then,
feeling guilty himself, admitted  he  was  working on some extremely
important research for which there wasn't enough  funds  so  he  had
kept  out  a few dollars feeling that his friend wouldn't mind since
it was for a good cause.

The banker looked  at  his  friends  in  total amazement, surely you
didn't let our friend down by not following his  last  request?   To
which  they  responded,  surely  you  kept  some  of the money for a
special purpose.

CERTAINLY NOT, responded the  banker.   I  threw  in a check for the
full amount.

			  <<<<<������>>>>>

Q: How many Dylan fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind. he answer is
   blowin' in the wind.

			  <<<<<������>>>>>

Let the new South Africa Roll!!!! ;-))


������������������������������������������������������������������������������


Another New SA Dictionary
�������������������������

The New South Africa will have 11 official languages.  Here is a
list of some words that will appear in the New South African
Dictionary.

DEBATE          De stuff dat catch de fish
DEFENCE         De wire around de house
DEFEAT          De tings you walk on
DETAIL          De ting dat hangs on de back of de donkey
DELAY           De woman dat sleeps around
DIVORCE         De stuff dat de boer se braai
DETAIN          De place where flowers grow
DEFINE          De money you pay when you break de law
DERIDE          De ting you get from delay
DESPISE         De man who peeps through de window
DEPART          De piece of something you broke
DESTROY         De ting with which you drink de Coca Cola
DENY            De ting you get from delay
DEFER           De ting dat covers de cat
DEFECT          De honest to goodness truth
DECEASE         De word for de big stink
DESTINCT        De ting that make decease
DE BUG          De ting dat bites
DELIGHT         De ting dat shines
DELUXE          De soap dat you wash with
DEFUNCT         I tink it goes with delay and deny
DEPENDS         De tings you use to cook de food
DEGREES         De stuff you put in your car
DETERIORATE     Something to do with interest from de bank
TOY-TOY         Affirmative aerobics
LOOTING         Affirmative shopping
BURGLARY        Redistribution of wealth
CHANTING        Affirmative voice choir
UNREST          Affirmative war games
BRICK           Affirmative credit card

Name changes:   Johannesburg..............EGOLI
		Port Elizabeth............EWINDI
		Kimberley.................EHOLI


������������������������������������������������������������������������������
			  

			  <<<<<������>>>>>

	  Who was the first Irish on earth??????????

			    McAdam! :-)

			  <<<<<������>>>>>

	    Waiter, Waiter, how long have you been here?
			 - Six months, sir.
	    Ah, then, it can't be you who took my order.

			  <<<<<������>>>>>



Seen in the latest issue of "The Antidote", the F-Prot News  Letter.
By author Terry Davidson.

THE  GOVERMENT  OF  NATIONAL  UNITY  VIRUS: Your PC locks, the screen
splits erratically with each side blaming the other.

THE VAN ZYL SLABBERT  VIRUS:  It  would  make  a great virus, but it
won't run.

THE JAN SMUTS AIRPORT VIRUS: You're in Johannesburg, but  your  data
is in Singapore.

THE SPRINGBOK CRICKET VIRUS: Makes your 486 work like a 286.

INKATA  VIRUS: If feels threatened by other files and erases them in
selfdefence.

THE MINIBUS TAXI VIRUS:  It  navigates  your  disk  at a great speed
alternately eliminating or compressing files at random.  Said to  be
able to squeeze 5Mb into 5Kb.

			  <<<<<������>>>>>

Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
A: None-just assume it's changed.

			  <<<<<������>>>>>

Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.

			  <<<<<������>>>>>

Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter, they don't have any electricity anymore.

			  <<<<<������>>>>>

������������������������������������������������������������������������������


Greetings!

Here's a great little "article" or joke that I picked up in the
Computing section of the Sunday Times' Metro. Because OCR is still
a myth, I found myself quickly re-typing the article, and while I'm
at it I might as well post this one...



Now that Microsoft has announced that Chicago (Windows 4.0) will
be called Windows '95 when it is released at the end of this year,
many users are wondering about the name.

Here is a countdown of the eleven most popular reasons for the
choice:

11. The percentage chance that it will be completed on the
    shipping date.
10. The number of floppies it will ship on.
 9. The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their
    hardware.
 8. The number of megabytes of hard disk space required to install
    it.
 7. The number of pages in the EASY-INSTALL section of the manual.
 6. The percentage of existing Windows programs that won't run in
    the new operating system.
 5. The number of minutes it will take to install.
 4. The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to
    run.
 3. The number of people who will actually PAY for the upgrade.
 2. The number of MHz required for the operating system to run.

And now, the Number 1 reason people think the 95 in Windows '95
really stands for...
  1. The year it was DUE to ship - a reference to Microsoft's
     notorious tardiness.


And here's #12: The amount of die-hard DOS users who will finally
		be convinced to move over to the Windoze camp.


������������������������������������������������������������������������������


Q. What are the 3 advantages of having Amnesia?

A. 1) You don't know you're sick
   2) You can wrap your own presents and they're still a surprise
   3) You meet new friends every day



I know the poor guy is dead, but I found this quite funny, I know I
shouldn't hhave, but I did <g>

Q. What was last thing that went through Ayrton Senna's mind?

A. A concrete Wall


Q. What was the last thing that went through the fly's mind when it hit
   the car windscreen?

A. It's a*se!


Q. What do Ayrton Senna & Michael Jackson have in commom ????

A. They both have blood around their heads ......


Q. What's the difference between Ayrton Senna & Maradonna ????

A. Maradonna can take corners !!!!


Q.  How did Senna hit the concrete wall?

A.  Dead centre!


Knock knock.

"Who's there?"

"Senna"

"Senna who?"

"Senna nother driver.  This one's dead.


 � A F.U.N.N.Y. Guy � Did Sharon Stone Michael on sex?


������������������������������������������������������������������������������


It's a Sunday in the year 2008.  The world's parachutists have
converged on Blikkiesfontein for the international championships.

The crowd waits in excitement and in a festival mood until the first
plane flies over, dropping its marker (or whatever it is called) to
test the wind direction and speed.

The second plane flies over and a parachutist drops out.  His
parachute fails to open.  His emergency parachute also refuses to
respond.  [This, BTW, is known in parachuting circles as "jumping to a
conclusion".]

The second parachutist jumps out but his chute also fails to respond
and also his emergency parachute.

It's a tragic day as several parachutists from that plane meet the
same fate.

Van Tonder turns to Koos van der Merwe and asks:

"What die bleksem gaan hier aan?"

Koos: "Ag man, Piet.  Don't you know that NOTHING opens on Sunday in
Blikkiesfontein.


������������������������������������������������������������������������������


A man walking across the street was almost run down by a car driven by a
woman--the car overflowing with children.  The red light was against the
woman, and the man who had almost been hit walked over to the ancient bus and
said, "Lady, don't you know when to stop?" Glancing back at the many children
in the car, she said icily, "They aren't all mine."


������������������������������������������������������������������������������


		  TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY LTD.

	    P.O.Box 69, Sandton, 2169, South Africa
	8249 Slippery Rod Drive, Sandton, South Africa
	    Tel. (011) 869-9000 Fax. (011) 869-6969


Attention: <edit name of friend/colleague/husband/boyfriend etc.>

Tel:

Fax:


Application to model our product

Dear Sir

We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application
to model and represent our TROJAN CONDOM range.

Although your general physical appearance is not displeasing,
our Board of Directors feel that you wearing our product in the
advertisement does not portray the positive, romantic image of
our product.  A loose, baggy condom is not considered romantic.

We appreciate your interest and thank you for your time,
especially the detailed measurement list that you so kindly
provided.  In answer to your question regarding size, we do
intend manufacturing a "small boys" size and we will send you a
sample for your evaluation.  In the meantime, we will retain
your application on our files should we need a model once our
"small boys" size is in production.

We send our regards and deepest sympathy to your wife,
girlfriend or both.

Yours Sincerely



Ivor Biggun
Trojan Condom Company Limited


P.S.  Don't forget our slogans:
"COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE YOU HUMP"
"DON'T BE SILLY - PROTECT YOUR WILLY"
"NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER"
"BEFORE YOU ATTACK HER - WRAP YOUR WACKER"
"IF YOU ARE NOT GOING TO SACK IT - GO HOME AND WACK IT"




... Practice safe Hex ... wear a write-protect tab!


������������������������������������������������������������������������������


There was this eighty-year-old man who was seeing the doctor for a
checkup.  The doctor asked why he needed the checkup.  The man was
getting married next month to a girl 60 years his junior.  The doctor
tried to talk him out of the marriage, and it didn't work.  However, the
doctor suggested, "If you want your marriage to last, I say you at least
take in a boarder."  The old man agreed. The old man didn't see the
doctor for a year, when they met at a fund-raiser. The old man says,
"Doc, congratulate me, my wife is pregnant."  "That's good news," said
the doctor.  "I knew the boarder would help."  "Oh," said the old man
with a wicked grin, "and the boarder's pregnant as well."

=-=-=-

A man comes to a Soviet emigre doctor because of sore throat.  The
doctor tells him to pull down his pants and to swing his genitals in the
window.  "What does this have to do with my throat?"  "Nothing, I just
hate the neighbors."

=-=-=-

A Soviet emigre surgeon tells a patient: "The operation will cost three
thousand dollars, but we can save a little by not sharpening the knife."

=-=-=-

One Soviet emigre surgeon asks another: "How did the operation go?" "It
was a success until we dropped the patient off the table."




Indignant prisoner: "I want to know why I have been brought in here!"

Sergeant: "You were brought into the police station for drinking."

Prisoner: "All right then, let's get started!"


������������������������������������������������������������������������������


				  WET DREAM
			       by Kip Addotta

      It was April the 41st, being a quadruple leap year. I was
 driving in downtown Atlantis. My barracuda was in the shop so I was
 in a rented  stingray and it was overheating, so I pulled into a
 shell station. They said I'd blown a seal.  I said, "Fix the damn
 thing and leave my private life out of it, Okay pal."  While they
 were doing that, I walked over to a place called the oyster bar, a
 real dive, but I knew the owner, he used to play for the Dolphins.
 I said, "Hi Gill!" (You have to yell, he's hard of herring.)
      Gill was also down on his luck. Fact is, he was barely keeping
 his head below water. I bellied up to the sand bar. He poured me
 the usual, rusty snails, hold the grunion, shaken, not stirred,
 with a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side, heavy on
 the Mako.  I slipped him a fin, on porpoise. I was feeling good. I
 even dropped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry's Squids, for the
 halibut.
      Well, the place was crowded.  We were packed in like sardines.
 They  were all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy
 Dorsal. What sole!  Tommy was rocking the place with a very popular
 tuna, Salmon chanted evening, and the stage was surrounded by
 screaming groupers, probably there to see the bass player.
      One on them was this cute little yellow tail, and she was
 giving me the eye, so I figured this was my chance for a little
 fun, you know, piece of pisces.  But she said things I just
 couldn't fathom, she was too deep.  Seemed to be under a lot of
 pressure.  Boy could she drink, she drank like a...  she drank a
 lot!  I said, "What's your sign?" She said, "Aquarium." I said,
 "Great, lets get tanked!"
      I invited her up to my place for a little midnight bait.  I
 said, "Come on baby, it'll only take a few minnows." She threw me
 that same old line, "Not tonight, I got a haddock."
      And she wasn't kidding either cause in came the biggest,
 meanest looking haddock I've ever seen come down the pike.  He was
 covered with mussels. He came over to me and said, "Listen shrimp,
 don't you come crawling around here."  What a crab! This guy was
 steamed.  I could see the anchor in his eyes.  I turned to him and
 said, "Abalone.  You're just being shellfish."  Well, I knew there
 was going to be trouble and so  did Gill because he was already on
 the phone to the cods.
      The haddock hits me with a sucker punch.  I catch him with a
 left hook.  He eels over. It was a fluke, but there he was, lying
 on the deck, flat as a mackerel, kelpless. I said, "Forget the cods
 Gill, this guy's gonna need a sturgeon.  Well, the yellow tail was
 impressed with the way I landed her boyfriend. She came over to me
 and she said, "Hey big boy, you're really a game fish, what's your
 name?" I said, "Marlin."
      Well, from then on we had a whale of a time.  I took her to
 dinner.  I took her to dance.  I bought her a bouquet of flounders,
 and then I went  home with her.  But what did I get for my
 troubles? A case of the clams.


������������������������������������������������������������������������������


HOW TO HANDLE STRESS

Drive to work in reverse
Braid the hair in each nostril
Dance naked in front of your pets
Pay you electricity bill in one cent coins
Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead
Go to a fun fair and pop every passers-by's balloon
Find out what a frog in a blender looks like
Forget Weight Watchers and send yourself a candygrain
Make a list of "Things to Do" that you have already done
Remove all the beers from a company fridge and start a party
Make up a language and ask people in the street for directoins
When somebody says "Have a nice day" tell them that you have other plans
Leaf through National Geographics and draw panties on all the natives
Jam 29 tiny marshmallows up your nostril and try to sneeze them out
Go shopping for clothes, buy everything, sweat in it, return it next day
Start a nasty rumour and see if you recognise it when it comes back to you
Stare at people through the holes in a fork and pretend they are in jail
Send you doctor a bill for the hours you spent in his waiting room
Lie on your back eating celery, using your naval as a salt dipper
Read a dictionary upside down and look for secret messages
Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on
Fill in your tax returns in Roman numerals
Use your Mastercard to pay your Visacard
Polish your car with earwax



 � OLX 2.1 TD � Pedestrian:  Someone who found a place to park...


������������������������������������������������������������������������������


Hi there,

Found this in the local newspaper the other day:

Medical Speak:
Vein                    conceited
Artery                  the study of paintings
Bacteria                back door of a cafeteria
Barium                  what doctors do when a patient dies
Bowel                   a letter like a, e, i, o or u
Caeserian Section       a neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan                searching for kitty
Cauterise               make eye contact with her
D&C                     where Washington is
Dilate                  to live long
Enema                   not a friend
Hangnail                coat hook
Impotent                distinguished, well known
Labour pain             getting hurt at work
Medical staff           a doctor's cane
Morbid                  a higher offer
Nitrates                cheaper than day rates
Node                    was aware of
Outpatient              a person who fainted
Pap smear               a fatherhood test
Postoperative           a letter carrier
Recovery room           a place to do upholstery
Rectum                  damn near killed him
Seizure                 Roman emperor
Tablet                  a small table
Terminal illness        getting sick at the airport
Tumor                   more than one
Urine                   opposite of you're out
Varicose                nearby


... You can have my modem when you pry it from my cold dead fingers!


������������������������������������������������������������������������������


Nelson M is walking along a street, when he spots a strange bottle. He
picks up the bottle and gives it a rub. Suddenly a cloud of smoke comes
out of the bottle - in the middle of this a genie appears.

Genie  : "You have released the spirit of the bottle. I will grant you 3
	  wishes. What is your first wish?"

Nelson : "I want the biggest limo built with all the luxuries included"

Puff .. and an enormous white Cadillac appears with every accessory you
can think of.

Genie  : "And your second wish?"

Nelson : "I want the biggest mansion built with all the luxuries
	  included"

Puff .. and an enormous mansion appears.

Genie  : "And for your last wish?"

Nelson : (after a few minutes of thinking) "I want to be white".

Puff, and in an enormous cloud of smoke both the Caddy and the mansion
disappear.

Nelson : "Hey, what happened to the car and the house?"

Genie  : "Sorry pal, you are white now and you have to work for those."



Comrade Nelson, he looked out
On the slums of Cape Town
Where the murk lay round about
Deep, and thick, and dark brown

Dimly shone the moon that night
For the smog was cruel
When a fellow came in sight
Siphoning Nelson's fuel

"Tell me comrade, what is this
What the hell's he doing
Fiddling with my motor-car
My petrol cap unscrewing"

"Comrade, he's a homeless chap
Lives up in the forest
Sniffs on turpentine and glue
But reckons petrol is the best"

"Comrade, bring me turpentine,
Comrade, bring me glue
Fetch me down a jug of wine
And some varnish, too"

"If he wants to get him high
Let us be of help here
Let him drink a mix of this
And blow his head into next year....."

Happy New Year, comrades....
 

������������������������������������������������������������������������������
  

Subj: The Weekly Mail Quiz

In case you don't get this week's paper, here's the W Mail quiz to keep
you busy this festive season.


Weekly Mail & Guardian quiz  
---------------------------

Do you read the Weekly Mail & Guardian often enough? 
Write down your responses, avoiding the temptation to 
check them against the answers printed below. 

1. What magazine did Nelson Mandela edit this year?

2. How many cars were stolen from the Independent 
Electoral Commission? How many were written off? And how 
many cellular phones were reported stolen from them?

3. The person who ran the IEC department that failed to 
deliver ballot papers to voters has gone to which higher 
office?

4. What Zulu staple food does King Goodwill Zwelithini 
not eat?

5. Which cabinet minister boasts of his passion for 
cooking with rose petals?

6. Which cabinet minister would like to spend more time 
riding motorbikes?

7. Which far-rightwinger gave Free State Premier Terror 
Lekota a box of chocolates on his birthday?

8. Who, with the first names John Wayne, emerged to 
unexpected fame this year?

9. In which province did the ANC get the highest 
percentage of votes?

10. What proportion of the ANC's votes came from black 
voters?

11. What proportion of the National Party's vote came 
from coloured voters?

12. Which former Miss South Africa was an election 
candidate?

13. And which two former Springbok rugby captains were 
named as election candidates?

14. The ANC gave its highest award, the 
Isithwalandwe/Seaparankoe, to Joe Slovo. How many whites 
have received this award in the past?

15. How many cellular phone users are there in South 
Africa?

16. How much is each ANC MP obliged to give to the 
organisation from his or her monthly salary?

17. What is the name of the prince manhandled by 
Mangosuthu Buthelezi in an on-air SABC studio?

18. Which Catholic priest defied an order not to stand 
for parliament?

19. Which party had a candidate on its lists called Vasco 
da Gama?

20. Which party had on its list a man once sentenced to 
death in Ireland for killing his girlfriend?

21. Who broke the nose of Johannesburg culture supremo 
Christopher Till?

22. What was British MP Stephen Milligan wearing when 
found dead in his kitchen?

23. In what field does the South African editor of 
Hustler magazine have a doctorate?

24. Which two parties won the lowest votes in the 
national election?

25. Which South African magazine refused political 
advertisements aimed at women voters?

26. How old did Barbie turn this year?

27. How much did South Africa contribute to Southern 
Africa's 1993 GDP of $139,1-bn?

28. Dr Nthato Motlana's New Africa Investments has assets 
of R100-million, R400-million or R800-million?

29. What was the name of the Italian mani pulite (clean 
hands) campaign magistrate who resigned out of 
frustration in early December?

30. Who was Schoemaker-Levy 9?

31. Who were the two African presidents killed in a 
rocket attack on a single airplane this year?

32. Which country this year voted to stay out of the 
European Union, and which two voted to go in?

33. What is the name of the Nigerian, currently in 
prison, believed to have won last year's election?

34. Who is the only Nigerian military leader to have 
stepped down from power in favour of a civilian 
government?

35. Who is the youngest South African premier?

36. How many of the 30 current cabinet ministers have 
served time in prison?

37. How many of the nine premiers have never served time 
in prison?

38. On what street, named after a computer error, does 
Apple Computer's famous research centre in Silicon Valley 
reside?

39. Which former convict was re-elected mayor of 
Washington?

40. What is the capital of Chechnya, centre of attention 
for Russian tanks and planes in recent weeks?

41. Which of South Africa's official languages has been 
omitted from this list: Afrikaans, English, isi-Ndebele, 
Sesotho sa Leboa, Se-sotho, siSwati, Xitsonga, Set-swana, 
isiXhosa and isiZulu?

42. How many one-day matches has the South African 
cricket team won and lost so far this year (up to 
December 22)?

43. How many presidential projects are driving the 
reconstruction and development programme?

44. How much does South African Airways estimate it will 
cost to paint its fleet in the new national colours?

45. What were Ernie Els' winnings this year?

46. What is the extent of United States aid that Mandela 
described as "peanuts"?

47. Who once used a pair of pliers to pull a trout 
fishing hook out of the finger of NP negotiator Roelf 
Meyer, saying: "If you've never trusted an ANC person 
before, you'd better get ready to do so now"?

48. How many colours are there on the South African flag?

49. How many houses did the ANC undertake to build in the 
next five years? And how many houses did it promise to 
electrify before 2000?

50. Who said: 

a) To black businessmen: "We don't want your votes. We 
want your wisdom."

b) "I like to think I transfix voters with my big blue 
eyes."

c) "God is our most powerful weapon, our spiritual atomic 
bomb."

d) "I have no question in my mind that we will win three 
provinces, except Natal."

e) "It's an uhuru election."

f) "If you think of Trevor Manuel as the future minister 
of finance, you can understand why the Egyptians 
worshipped cockroaches."

51. From what language is Gauteng derived?

52. Which province has the lowest disposable income per 
head?

53. How many children are enrolled at South African 
schools: five million, 10-million or 15-million?

54. Who claims to be the most famous white woman in South 
Africa?

55. Joe Slovo declared to parliament that he had received 
the gift of a large cigar. From whom?

56. How many other MPs failed to declare this gift?

57. Who ghost-wrote Mandela's autobiography?

58. Which rugby player bit off more than he could chew?

59. Who was the recipient of the punch that led to James 
Small's eviction from the national rugby team?


How to rate your score

Under 10: You are in urgent need of a subscription to a 
good newspaper. 
What about the Weekly Mail & Guardian?

Under 30: You read widely, and forget most of it.

31 to 50: You read far too much trivia. Concentrate on 
the important stuff.

51 to 59: You are almost certainly cheating. Have you 
considered a job in the government?



ANSWERS

1. He was guest editor of the January edition of French 
Vogue.

2. 99 cars stolen, 31 written off, 155 phones stolen.

3. Director-general of Home Affairs

4. Beef.

5. Energy Affairs Minister Pik Botha.

6. Trade and Industry Minister Trevor Manuel.

7. Eddie von Maltitz.

8. John Wayne Bobbit.

9. Northern Transvaal: 91 percent.

10. Ninety-four percent, estimated.

11. Thirty percent, estimated.

12. Michelle Bruce, for the DP.

13. Dawie de Villiers and Naas Botha (who later 
withdrew).

14. Of 17 previous recipients, three were white.

15. Some 190 000 contracts have been signed.

16. R750.

17. Prince Sifiso Zulu.

18. Father Smangaliso Mkatshwa.

19. The NP.

20. The NP.

21. Lorna Ferguson, director of the Africus Biennale.

22. Women's stockings.

23. Theology.

24. The Luso-South Africa Party got 3 293 votes and the 
Workers' List Party managed 4 169 votes.

25. Fair Lady.

26. Thirty-five.

27. $112-billion.

28. R764,2-million.

29. Antonio Di Pietro.

30. The comet that hit Jupiter in July.

31. Cyprian Ntaryamina of Burundi and Juvenal Habyarimana 
of Rwanda.

32. Norwegians said no; Finns and Swedes said yes.

33. Moshood Abiola.

34. General Abasanji.

35. Northern Cape Premier Manne Dipico, age 35

36. Five.

37. Four.

41. Tshivenda.

43. Twenty-two.

44. R200-million.

45. $2,8-million.

46. $543 679 000 over three years.

47. ANC negotiator Cyril Ramaphosa.

48. Six: black, gold, green, blue, red and white.

49. One million and 2,5-million.

50. a) Gauteng Premier Tokyo Sexwale.

      b) NP candidate Sheila Camerer.

      c) Conservative Party leader Ferdi Hartzenberg.

      d) Pan Africanist Congress secretary general 
	 !Khoisan X.

      e) DP leader Zach de Beer.

      f) DP candidate Robin Carlisle.

51. None, and all. It is an invented amalgam.

52. Northern Transvaal; at R2 112, it is 13 percent of 
Gauteng's figure.

53. Ten million.

54. Evita Bezuidenhout.

55. The < I>Weekly Mail & Guardian.

56. All 489 others (possibly because they are only 
obliged to declare gifts worth more than R100).

57. Richard Stengel.

58. Johan le Roux.

59. Ian McLeod, Springbok wave-skiier.


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     In heaven, there are two gates for married men:  The gate for married 
     men that say that they are the boss, and; the gate for married men who 
     admit that their wife is the boss.
     
     Saint Peter was strolling near the two gates one afternoon.  In front 
     of the gate for married men who admit that their wife is the boss, was 
     a big long line.  In front of the gate for men who say the they are 
     the boss was one fellow, standing all by himself.
     
     "Say Buddy, what are you doing over by THAT gate?" inquired Saint 
     Peter.
     
     "Well, Saint Peter, I'm really not sure," replied the man "but this is 
     where my wife told me to stand."

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ObHack: For a Halloween party, we wanted special effects with rain, 
thunder & lightning.  We made a continuous loop tape and recorded a 
sounds effects tape with rain & thunder on one channel.  We then played 
the tape backwards, and pulsed a pink noise generator onto the other 
channel at random times following each thunderclap (thus recording the 
sound .5 to 4 seconds *before* the thunder).  For playback at the party, 
we ran the audio of rain & thunder through an amp to some large speakers, 
and ran the other channel through a triac and a relay to control about 
2kw of floodlights in the backyard.  Sure enough, when we played it, 
there was a satisfying burst of bright light showing through the window 
right before each thunderclap.  It was *very* convincing!


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How would you recognise adam and eve if you went to heaven?
 
They would be the only ones without bellybuttons..........
 
 
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There were once two turtles traveling along on seperate roads which led
to the same intersection. Neither one was paying attention to what he
was doing and there was a huge collision at the intersection.
One turtle was flipped upside down and in great pain so an ambulance was
called along with a police officer. When the officer arrived, he asked
the injured turtle how the accident had happened.
"I don't know," said the turtle."I wasn't really paying attention."
Upon asking the other turtle, the officer was given the same reply.
"That's great," complained the officer. "How am I going to fill out my
police report?" Just then he saw a snail on the other side of the road.
"Hey, Snail, did you happen to see the accident between the two
turtles?"
"I sure did," said the snail>
"Great, how did it happen?" asked the officer.
"I dunno," replied the snail.."It happened so fast!"

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Bill and Hillary were chatting, and Bill was musing about his
recent success at the polls.
 
"You know Hillary," he said, "if this were a Kingdom, I would be a King,
and if this were Sheikdom, I would be a Sheik. If we had an Empire I
would be an Emperor......"
 
"I know honey," Hillary replied, "but this is a country and that's why
I'm in charge."
 
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 A young man enters a rare, esoteric abbey. This abbey has the
 unusual requirement that each monk was allowed only 2 words each
 20 years.  After his first 20 years, the abbot calls him in and
 asks what are the 2 words he would like to utter for this 20 years.
 "Cold food", says the monk.
 After his second 20 years the old abbot calls the monk in and asks
 what are the 2 words he would like to utter for his second 20 years.
 "Hard bed" the monk says.
 After his third 20 years the ancient abbot calls the monk in
 and asks what will be his 2 words for this passed 20 years.
 "I quit!" says the monk.
 "I'm not suprised", says the abbot, "you've been complaining for
 60 years!"
 
 
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Subj: Collecting Mail For The Coming Anti-Christ


Dear "dsk999@arts.usask.ca (D. Kabatoff)"

Please take a deep breath, put on those comfortable sackcloth shorts, rub
your fingers on that oh so silky Corinthian leather bound Bible, and then
take the teeny-weeny blue and pink pill that the nice doctors at the nice
hospital so nicely prescribed for you.

In the event that wasn't persuasive for you...perhaps another tack would
work. Did you know that the CIA is monitoring all posts on the Internet
and that they have a super-sacred, super-secret Satan snooper device?
That's right, "D", they'll be able to find you and take you away in the
middle of the night (they drive invisible Satanic spaceships)...so,
protect yourself, **turn off your modem forever** and resort to
collecting the AntiChrist's written mail, OK?
 

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"My brother's favorite nursing case was the bozo who tried the shotgun
in the mouth trick. He blew his face off up to the eyebrows and
survived with no face and blind. The blindness wasn't the hassle you'd
expect, since at least he didn't have to shave anymore." -- Nadja Adolf


How do you keep a woman screaming for 10 minutes after she's had an
orgasm?

Wipe your dick on her curtains!!


    *That's right up there with why wouldn't Kennedy make a good boxer?*

		   He couldn't take a shot to the head!!!!

		    
		    
		    >  *What about this one?*  <
						    
   Jesus was standing in the middle of the road in front of an angry,
frightened mob getting ready to stone him. Jesus says " Let the ones among 
you without sins cast the first stone." WHAM!! A rock comes flying out of 
the crowd. "Thanks, Ma, you always were a bitch."

 

>>      Two friends are in a bar moaning about how ugly their women are. The
>first guy says his wife is uglier. The second says come with me and I'll show
>you my wife. The 2 guys head out and get to the 2nd one's house. The guy opens
>the cellar door and says" Honey could you come up here?" She says "Should I
put >the bag over my head?" And he says "No, I don't want to fuck you, just 
show you to someone."



This guy in a bar orders a shot of 100 proof, gulps it down, looks in his 
shirt pocket and orders another. Again, down it goes and he peeks into his 
shirt pocket again. 

After the fith or sixth time the bartender finally has to ask... "What is in 
that pocket??", He replied: It's a picture of my wife. When she starts looking 
good, I can go home!


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I am an American citizen, born and raised here, and I'll be the first to 
admit that we have got to be the biggest bunch of swaggering obnoxious 
bastards that has ever graced the face of the Earth.  Look at our 
lawyers, look at our television programs.  Jesus Christ!  have you seen 
the pilot for the American version of Red Dwarf!?!  It makes me want to 
cry.  Can't fancy any other place I'd like to live though, except maybe 
England.  Or Germany.  Maybe Japan... but every country has it's 
problems.  Look at England:  it's right next to France.  That's a strike 
against it right there.  I mean, you at least have a small body of water 
seperating the two, but then they go and build a tunnel under it to bring 
them closer together.  The real-estate values have probably plummeted 
already just from proximity.

But America has it's upsides:  Only in America can you sue $3 million out 
of McDonalds for not putting a warning label on their cups of hot 
coffee.  Our "Justice" system is mind-boggling.  Get this:  if you 
booby-trap your home, even with *warning signs*, and a misguided burgler 
breaks into your house and injures himself, he can legally sue you and 
will WIN.  How many peace-time nations can boast more hand-gun deaths per 
year than some countries at war?  something like 22,000 a few years ago, 
and growing steadily since.  If we took all the money spent thus far on 
PUBLICITY alone for the whole O.J. thing, how many starving children 
could we feed?

wanna hear something scary?  We have all the bombs!  That's right, the 
Cold War is over and the Red Menace has been dismantled for the most 
part.  The next largest Superpower looks to be China, and while they could 
boast a huge army manpower-wise, they have not the funding or technology 
to fund them properly.  So here we stand, arguably one of the most 
violent societies of the Western World, and we hold all the Nukes.  Makes 
ya cringe don't it?

this has grown into quite a tirade for a.t.j but I just thought maybe (in 
a delusionary way) that by saying "Yes I am an American, and we do suck, 
but so do the rest of you so shut up" maybe, just maybe, this seemingly 
endless flamewar can finally end as everyone involved feels stupid and 
shuts up.  (Yeah, and maybe I'm a Japanese jet pilot...)


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Thinnest Books:

- Marital Solutions by O.J. Simpson
- The Sober Moments of Ted Kennedy (the companion "Blind Drunken Stupors 
  of Ted Kennedy" comes in a 6-volume set, very thick!)
- Love Songs & Poetry of the Third Reich by A. Hitler
- Italian Victories of WWII
- The Acting Career of Brian Bosworth (and printed on the back is:)
- The Professional Football Career of Brian Bosworth
- Thin Book: Naughty Shakespeare Sonnets

 
Q: Hear of the Challenger Model Kit? 
 
A: 1,000,000 pieces, no assembly required. 
 

Q: What were Sally Ride's last words? 
 
A: "What's this lever for?" 
 

Q: How do you get 100 babies into a Volkswagen Beetle? 
 
A: Moulinex! 


Q: What is red, green and slimy and crawls up a woman's leg?

A: A homesick abortion


Q: How many cops does it take to arrest a mexican?

A:  twenty-one.  One to cuff the mexican, and twenty to carry the oranges!


Q: Why are Puerto Ricans stronger than Mexicans?

A: They have to swim farther.


Q: What do you call a Blonde standing on her head?

A: A brunette with bad breath!


Q: What's the best thing about raping a cat?

A: Hearing the pelvis crack!


Q: How many rednecks does it take to cange a lightbulb ?

A: 20..... 1 to screw it in
	 17 to start a barroom brawl about it
	 and 2 to write a country song about it


Q: How does a faggot fake an orgasm?

A: By spitting on his partner's back.


Q:  What do you call a fag with a chipped tooth?
 
A:  A meat grinder!!!


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An eskimo drops his Ski-Doo off at a garage and asks the mechanic to take a 
look at it, while he goes out to lunch. The eskimo returns from lunch an hour 
later and the mechanic says, "looks like you blew a seal". The eskimo says, 
(wiping his mouth), "nahh just a little mayo.".



Gee, that's a really nice sweater/sweatshirt/T-Shirt.  I don't suppose I could 
talk you out of it? (The smirk at the end of the delivery is key).

To find out how serious a "boyfriend" is and still come off as funny:
You: "So where is he now?"
She: "California/another party/right over there"
You: "California?  Might as well be on the moon."
If she laughs, you still may have a chance.  And by the way, you would be 
suprised how many women will laugh and respond, "Yeah, your right."  If she 
doesn't laugh too much, well you got your answer with little effort. Move on.


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Did you here that the sequel to the film "Cocoon" is to be called 
NiNigger?


A blind man with a seeing eye dog walk into the department store. The man 
grabs the dog by the tail and swings the dog over his head several times, then 
sets the dog down. The store manager asks if the man needs assistance. The 
blind man replies "No thanks, I'm just looking around"


There beeze these two girls sittin' on the porch eatin' watermelon
one hot summer day.  First one sez: "Whew, It sho is hot today!".
Second one sez "Yeah, and these flies is all around my watermelon"
First one sez: "I thinks I'll go inside 'n takes my panties off and
see if 'n that ain't a bit cooler".  After #1 returns, #2 asks, "Well
is that any cooler?".  #1 replys "Not much, but the flies ain't
botherin' my watermelon no mo!"


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Man - A Chemical Analysis
______________________________________________________

Element:  : Man
Symbol          : Ah (short for Asshole)
Quantitative    : Accepted at 7 inches though some isotopes can
  : be as short as 4 inches.
Discoverer      : Eve (discovered by accident one day when she had a craving
		  for ribs)
Occurrence      : Found following duel element Wo, often in high concentration
	   near a perfect Wo specimen.

Physical properties :
a) Surface often covered with hair; bristly in some areas, soft in others.
b) Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and
   Common Sense, melts if treated like a God.
c) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH  (any alcohol).
d) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme
   caution.
e) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo
   (Snore... zzzzz).
f) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.
g) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply
   sensitive to extremely thick.
h) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
i) Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form
   of the Wo common ore.
j) When pressure is applied, becomes stiff and unyielding; yields only
   when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied

Chemical properties :
a) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is
   possible.
b) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely  
   favorable conditions.
c) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo.
d) Usually willing to react with whatever is available.
e) Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existent to pre-interaction
   effects (which tend to turn the specimen bright red.
f) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to
   violent/bloody.
g) When saturated with alcohols, will be fairly inert and will repel most
   other elements.
h) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household   
   cleansers.
i) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of
   the malodorous variety.
j) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.

Storage :
a) Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for
   favorable reaction style.

Uses :
a) Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for
   Wo...
b) Can be used in recreational activities.

Tests :
a) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens
   broadcast information on many wavelengths.

Caution :
a) Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with
   reaction to a particular Wo specimen.  Otherwise very maleable under 
   correct conditions.


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