ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ· ³ º ³ H - J O K E 2 6 . T X T º ³ º ÔÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍͼ Well, seems that today is another bit of a landmark day (been having quite a few of those as of late): Another compendium of jokes, satires and other humour is complete. Having taken almost 19 months to complete, it is my pleasure to bring you Title: H-JOKE26.TXT File size: 500,656 bytes (unformatted for printing) Date: 14-05-2000 Why now? Why so long? What was the delay? What has happened since H-JOKE25? Much. A lot. A helluva lot, in actual fact. Let's attempt to recollect some of the most significant milestones - and speed traps - that have allowed me to bring this collection to you now, many months later. Since the last issue I've changed jobs. Twice. I have a live-in girlfriend. Wow! The HMVH Corporation BBS has been shut down. For good. Mind you, the actual compilation took little time. It involved not much more than separating the chaff (represented by header information and the lists of recipients) from the wheat (the body of the message - the joke itself). What did take time was getting around to actually doing it. You see, much of this was already pre-processed. Allow me to let you into a little secret: The source of the jokes here is pretty damn ubiquitous. They arrive from all over the planet. Thanks to my incredible memory (and modesty!) I can remember the ones I've read, sent, processed and compiled already - variations included. They are cleaned up to some degree and arranged in my Netscape/Drafts folder. Usually they're even pre-addressed and numbered. Time permitting, they're sent in bulk (often grouped by general theme or topical event) to their respective recipients - myself included. Again, every so often I pick them up from my BBS email address and save them once more. You see, BlueWave is very good at generating a format that pretty much resembles what you're reading now. These text files are then converted into the H-JOKE*.TXT files. So there. Now you know. Now I have to kill you. On with the show! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS? As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renowned scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus. 1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen. 2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear to) handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each. 3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seemes logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour. 4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal anount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth. 5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enourmous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force. In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, the fat bastard would be dead by now. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN : 1. You can have a woman president without electing her 2. You can spell 'colour' wrong and get away with it 3. You can call Budweiser beer 4. You can be a crook and still be president 5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything 6. If you've got a driver's licence you can get a gun 7. You can invent a new public holiday every year 8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care. 9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy" 10. You can be Irish and American at the same time TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN : 1. It beats being an American. 2. You don't have to leave home to taste authentic French cuisine. 3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors. 4. Can travel anywhere with a Canadian passport. 5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe? 6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise. 7. Liberal is not a dirty word. 8. The CBC 9. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground. 10. If you are BORING!! TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH : 1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay 2. It's easy being a soap dodger 3. You get to eat shitty little things like snails and frog's legs 4. You know what you are ordering in expensive restaurants 5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4. 6. You can test your own nuclear weapons far away from your own doorstep 7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star 8. If there's a war you can surrender really early 9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in a hole 10. People think you're a great lover even when you're crap TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN : 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN : 1. Large choice of languages 2. Fleshy actresses 3. Taj Mahal 4. Chicken Tikka Massala 5. Can model volatility and money at risk in 7 computer languages 6. Can communicate chiefly with head movements 7. A Patel is never lonely in the phone book 8. Kapil Dev 9. Keep saying "please" meaning it 10. 6 spicy papadums, pickles and a Kingfisher TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH : 1. The Guinness is great 2. The crack is great 3. You won't get in a crack unless you marry them 4. You can't have sex with a condom on 5. Thus you must have sex without one on 6. No one can ever remember the night before 7. If you don't agree with me I'll blow you up 8. The stew is great 9. The Murphy's is great 10. Er...Best pop down the pub and have a think TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN : 1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes 2. Unembarrassed to wear fur. 3. No need to worry about tax returns 4. Glorious military history... well, till about 400 a.d. 5. Can wear sunglasses inside 6. Political stability 7. Flexible working hours 8. Live near the Pope 9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair 10. Sweating tenors TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH : 1. You can be mistaken for a Mexican all over North America 2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees 3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits etc 4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans 5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing 6. Hard to get the women into bed without marrying them ... 7. ... and twice as hard still if you're not a Catholic 8. In fact, the only sure way is to dress up in silly too-tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls 9. You get to eat bulls' testicles 10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War. ...and yes, this one was missing from the list. Its omission would have been unforgivable, thus - with a few items unknowingly contributed by one William Blankley from Pretoria - we're able to present you with... TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SOUTH AFRICAN : 1. There is always someone with a bigger beergut than yours. 2. Nothing is your fault; you can blame it on the previous regime. 3. Unrivalled job prospects for those unburdened with training, skills or experience. 4. Where else could a president wear his pyjama jacket to State functions and get away with it? 5. You can experience lousy service in eleven official languages. 6. Smoking in public is considered a bigger crime than petty things such as murder, rape, robbery, hijacking... 7. You can enjoy oranges with 45% alcohol content at rugby matches. 8. It's the only country in the world where people dance to show how angry they are. 9. Our police are first on the scene of any crime - without being called! 10. You needn't bother trying to keep up with the Joneses. They've emigrated. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple were driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.) The perfect woman. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women, end e-mail here. Men, keep scrolling. So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this brings up another point: women never listen either. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Adolf Hitler was having terrible nightmares, and so he decided to go to a fortune teller hoping that the woman could find the source of his problem. "I am sorry but I am unable to help you solve your dreams," said the fortune teller, "but I do know that you will die on a Jewish holiday." "And which holiday will this be?" he asked. "It does not matter," she replied. "Any day that you die will be a Jewish holiday." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Here is an excerpt of some of the details in the Ken Starr Report to Congress on the State of Affairs in the Oval Office. In this summary, we reproduce selected entries from the diaries ... ------------- LEWINSKY, 3 Jan 1996. Big day! Oh dear diary, we're going to meet the President today! I am so excited! I wore my purple frock and beige blush -- hope that he notices me! Oooh I can't wait to tell Linda! CLINTON, 3 Jan 1996. Another rough day -- Gingrich keeps kicking my butt and now Hillary says Chelsea needs more braces! At least I got to meet the interns today -- numbers 3, 6, 7, and 9 look foxy. ------------- LEWINSKY, 24 Feb 1996. I think Bill is beginning to notice me. Today he had me pick up those papers off the floor six times! What a kidder! He's so cute when he gets mad! I'm pretty sure it's the Chanel that does it, he goes wild over it. Linda says he's an old fart but what does she know? CLINTON, 24 Feb 1996. More paperwork for the Senate Committees. Goddamn interns can't even carry the stacks around in the right order! Gotta see Vernon about getting another job for this one.... ------------- LEWINSKY, 15 Apr 1996. Oh dear diary, Bill asked me to stay late tonight! It was so wonderful -- he just looked deep into my eyes and said he could see an ocean in there! Oh he is SO romantic! I wanted to melt on the floor! He told me I looked like Bette Davis only much younger and sexier. I think he's dreamy!!!! CLINTON, 15 Apr 1996. Well finally got the returns done. If Hillary saw her accountant earlier we wouldn't have to go through this mess. Watched the late game with the Bulls and the Jazz -- Jordan's awesome! Gotta have him by. ------------- LEWINSKY, 9 Aug 1996. Dear Diary, I did something very naughty in the Oval Office tonight! Hee-hee! It was so FUN but I was SCARED! Bill said nobody had ever done it before so he showed me how -- it got a little messy at the end and I had to clean up, but by the time Hillary got there, it was all cool. Bill told me he loves me and always will. Oh diary, he's a dream come true! CLINTON, 9 Aug 1996. Another grueling day with Netanyahu and Arafat -- man those guys are a pain in the a** sometimes. Went to see the Orioles and the Yankees, hung out with Tom Clancy. Went home, finished up paper work, went to bed. Memo to Bettie -- have carpet steam-cleaned this week. ------------- LEWINSKY, 14 Sep 1996. Brought by silk necktie from Nordstrom's to Bill. It is so beautiful, but he wasn't there -- had to give it to Bettie instead. She said she would leave it on the Oval Office desk like I asked. Oh diary, he's so much of a MAN! CLINTON, 14 Sep 1996. Watched Arkansas clobber Florida State; stayed up late eating nachos and cheese with Jessie Jackson Jr -- he really doesn't look like his dad after all. Found god-awful tie from Hillary on bed. ------------- LEWINSKY, 10 Oct 1996. Bill not in again today, somewhere over in Maryland. I sat in his desk and played "He loves me, he loves me not" with all his plants. Final score: He loves me, 21; he loves me not, 4. Oh diary, I am having Linda's friend book us a trip to "Couples" in Jamaica! CLINTON, 10 Oct 1996. Had to see some stupid high school project over in the sticks. This is Al Gore's job, not mine! God I could use some barbecue and beer right now. On return, found plant pieces all over oval office; must speak to Bettie about the gardener. ------------- LEWINSKY, 14 Dec 1996. Bill had me do something WILD with a cigar tonight! He is SO COOL diary! I never would have thought to do THAT! I can't say what it was but it was so MUCH FUN! Hee-hee!!! Oh God I am so embarrassed! CLINTON, 14 Dec 1996. Finally got those stogies Madeline has been promising me from Fidel. Nice aroma ... Smoked a few in the study, then another one out back where the secret service boys can't find me. That silly intern came by wanting some too. ------------- LEWINSKY, 21 Dec 1996. Dear Diary, they revoked my White House pass -- I don't know why? Was it something I said to Bill? I bet that BITCH did this!!!!! I'll show HER what-for!! Maybe Linda was right, I gotta go see her tonight. CLINTON, 21 Dec 1996. Sent interns home for winter. Can't wait to meet the next batch on Tuesday. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ "Gimme a double whiskey!" the little boy yelled to the barmaid as he entered the saloon. "Do you want to get me in trouble?" she asked. The kid replied: "Maybe later: but right now, I just want a drink." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A woman dies and goes to heaven. As St. Peter is processing her, she hears a woman screaming in pain. She looks in the room and sees them drilling holes in the woman's shoulders to fasten the wings. Then she hears a man screaming and sees them drilling holes in his head to fasten the halo. "I do not want to go to heaven", she tells St. Peter. "I'll go to the other place." "You don't want to go there", he replies. "They rape and sodomize you down there" "I don't care", she answers. "At least I already have holes for that." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ NEW PRODUCT: MICROSOFT CONTRACEPTIVES Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market. The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings. The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches. While Contraceptive98 does not address non-traditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will be known as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff. OPERATION - Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, It is now safe to turn off your partner. DRAWBACKS - Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used. CONCLUSION - Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is a reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera. Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98's potential. He recently said, "Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what we've been doing to our customers for years." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Matric Exam for the New South Africa ------------------------------------ Please read all instructions carefully. Please write all answers between the lines. No part of the answer book may be rolled and smoked. No children of students are allowed to participate. Please leave all firearms in possession of the parole officers. Bribes will be accepted at a minimum of R100.00 If this exam does not match the one you have purchased, please notify the examiner. QUESTION 1 Philemon has an AK47 with 2 magazines taped together, each holding 30 rounds. If he misses 8 out of 10 shots, how many drive-by taxi shootings can he attend before having to reload? QUESTION 2 Phineas has a 12 seater minibus, but to avoid discomfort he carries no more than 23 people. Assuming each passenger weighs 85kg and piles 35kg of luggage on the roof, he drives 140km/h and that his brakes are only 25% efficient, what would his stopping distance be? a) 300m b) 600m c)10m (he has another passenger to pick up) QUESTION 3 Jacob is employed as a garden boy for one day a week for 5 households. Assuming that he can make a lawnmower last 3 months, how many lawnmowers will the households have to buy over a period of 2 years? QUESTION 4 In standard 6 Jackson has 4 girls out of his class pregnant as well as another 6 from other classes. How many girls will he have pregnant before he leaves school if he matriculates on his 29th birthday? QUESTION 5 Samuel and his friends, six altogether, can drink 35 bottles per day of Castle Lager before falling over. How many SA Brewery trucks do they need to hijack per year to remain permanently drunk? Marks will be available next Monday at a payment of R200.00 to the examiner. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ In a recent television show in the UK, actor and comedian John Cleese explained three reasons why the British are superior to the Americans: 1. They speak English. 2. When they host a world championship they invite other countries. 3. Visitors to the head of state are only expected to go down on one knee. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ One day a Florist goes for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thankyou Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door. A Cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The Cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thankyou Card and a dozen Donuts waiting at his door. An Indian Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and barber replies; 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there - A Dozen Indians waiting for a free Haircut...... ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A male gorilla at the zoo had been separated from his mate for several months and was really horny. One night after the zoo had closed and all the animal keepers had left, he decided he was going to tear the bars apart and screw the first thing he could find. As he left his cage and ran through the zoo he came upon a lion sleeping in the grass. He really wasn't thrilled with his find but since he had promised himself he would take the first thing he could get, he grabbed the lion and screwed it. Just as the gorilla finished, the lion awoke and was really pissed. The lion started chasing the gorilla through the zoo and was beginning to gain on him. The gorilla turned a corner and saw a park bench with a newspaper on it. Thinking quickly, the gorilla sat down on the bench and held the newspaper in front of him like he was reading it. When the lion turned the corner he stopped at the park bench. Not knowing what was behind the newspaper he asked the reader if he had seen a gorilla run by. From behind the paper, the gorilla said, "You mean the one that screwed the lion?" The lion shook his head and shouted, "Oh No! It's already in the papers!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, they could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay." An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?" Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Afrikaas Interpretations of Band Names: --------------------------------------- Fuzzbox - Donsdoos Bananarama - Piesangmargerien Joan Armatrading - Johanna Wapenhandelaar Johnny Rotten and the Sex Pistols - Jannie Vrot en die Pomprewolwers Iron Maiden - Yster sussie Ladysmith Black Mombasa - Mevrou Smit se Swart Mambas Four Jacks and a Jill - Vier Latte en 'n Platte Queen - Moffie Welcome to the Pleasuredome : Frankie Goes to Hollywood - Welkom by Aventura: Frikkie Gaan Fliek Toe Twisted Sister - Koeksuster Ace of Base - Baas se As Meatloaf - Vleisrol Spice Girls - Kerriekoekies Simple Minds - Dofkoppe Bruce Hornsby and the Range - Barend Horing en die hele Reeks Joe Cocker - ...dja, djoune ook!....of Johannes de Koker Whigfield - Pruikveld Hootie and the Blowfish - Tietie en die Blaasoppies Huwey Lewis and the News - Louis Luyt in die Nuus Maria Carey - Meraai se Kerrie Smashing Pumpkins - Platgemoerde Pampoene Hothouse Flowers - Sauna Sonneblomme The Dead Kennedy's - Die Vrek Verwoerds The Rolling Stones - Die Traditionele Wapens Duran Duran - Jy't Gerhardloop Jy't Gehardloop Midge Ure - Miggie Oor ZZ Top - Slapende Spits Oasis - Oo Ag Sies! Frank Zappa - Worsie Skiet Haar Jimmy Hendrix - Johannes Pluimvee Drukker ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Clinton & Lewinsky What help-wanted ad did Monica Lewinsky answer? Be a White House intern and get a taste of the Presidency! There's a new Bill Clinton computer coming out soon. It will have a six inch hard drive, but no memory. Did you hear that when this scandal is over Monica plans to sell her story? She said she will tell it Blow by Blow. Monica said she may as well be truthful now about Bill because she doesn't think she stands a chance of getting on the Presidential Staff again. She also said she was going to testify truthfully about Bill Clinton. No way will she go down for Bill Clinton. Well, not again, anyway. What's Bill Clinton's C.B. Handle? Haywood Jablowme. Why doesn't Bill pay retail price? He prefers to dicker. Why does Monica Lewinsky have such puffy cheeks? She's withholding evidence. Why is Bill Clinton's favorite White House room the Blue Room? You can't corner anyone in the oval office. Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear? To keep his ankles warm. From a recent interview with Bill: "I am sick and tired of all this talk about sex. I've had it up to here with sex...But, not recently." Why can't they prosecute Bill Clinton? Monica swallowed the evidence. What's Bill's favorite garden tool? A blower. What did Bill say when asked if it was possible to make a hormone? "I've done it lots of times, I just refuse to pay her!" What do the Nixon and Clinton administrations have in common? A crooked Dick in the Oval Office. What does Ted Kennedy have that Bill Clinton desprately wants? A dead girlfriend. Monica had just recovered consciousness after surgery and asked the doctor, "How soon will I be able to resume a normal sex life?" The doctor looked puzzled and replied, "Oh, not very long?" "Why do you find the question so surprising?" asked Monica. "Well," replied the surgeon, "to be perfectly honest, I've never had a tonsilectomy patient ask me that question before!" Whats the difference between Clinton and a screw driver? A screw driver turns in screws and Clinton screws interns. The White House scandal wasnt really Bill's fault. It was just something he got sucked into. Why does Monica refuse to play golf with Bill? Because she's tired of his balls hitting her in the face. The difference between Bill and his dog Buddy is that Buddy chases his own tail. Did you hear that Bill is supporting a new math curriculum in our nation's schools? He wants everyone to know that 50 can go into 21 without getting five to ten. Bill was recently overheard complimenting Monica's appearance. "She's got the whitest teeth I've ever cum across!" What's the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us? When we want some dick in the White House, we just vote. How did the stain get on Monica's dress? Clinton came across her in the Oval Office. What's Bill's new pick up line? "Would you be interested in a position under the president?" If Monica was a bird, what kind would she be? A swallow. Bill's nickname for Hillary is "My little buttercup". His nickname for Monica? "My little suction cup". Did you hear Clinton doesn't use bookmarks? He just bends over the pages! Clinton to Monica: "I didn't tell you to lie in deposition... told you to lie in THAT POSITION!" Aide (to President): Kenneth Starr sucks! Bill: Well, send him right in! What was Clinton saying to Monica during their video hug? "I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election!" Kenneth Starr finally found out what the distinguishing characteristic on Bill Clinton's penis was. It was Monica. Why was it difficult for Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky? He couldn't give her a pink slip without asking her to try it on first. What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common? They were both upset when Bill finished first. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Dating My Daughter When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds. Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night. "So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?" As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room. Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you. Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early." Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her adam's apple. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too--there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate--ink washes off--and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative. One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. "Don't you remember being that age?" she challenged. Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules? ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ M O R E C H U R C H B U L L E T I N B L O O P E R S 1. Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 2. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church. 3. Evening massage - 6 p.m. 4. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. 5. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession. 6. Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door. 7. Ushers will eat latecomers. 8. The third verse of "Blessed Assurance" will be sung without musical accomplishment. 9. The Reverend Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the congregation. 10. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy." 11. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit. 12. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience." 13. Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice. 14. Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All" 15. The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth. 16. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. 17. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 18. The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who laboured the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her. 19. Thirty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, "The Lord Knows Why." 20. A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday. 21. Today's Sermon: "How Much Can A Man Drink?" with hymns from a full choir. 22. On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: God is Good. Dr. Hargreaves is better. 23. The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11. 24. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary. 25. Men's Prayer Breakfast. No charge, but your damnation will be gratefully accepted. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ What's the difference between white fairy tales and black fairy tales? White fairy tales start, "Once upon a time....." Black fairy tales start, "Yo, you motherfuckers ain't gonna believe this shit." What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm. What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's arse? A mechanic! Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? She is the one who can eat the last donut! How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed. Why does the bride always wear white? Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and the refrigerator.. I am so good in bed that when I have sex even the neighbours need a cigarette. Jewish dilemma: Free PORK. What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day & Martin Luther King Day? On St. Patrick's Day, everybody wishes they were Irish. How can you tell which is the head nurse? The one with the dirty knees. What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side. A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in 3rd grade. Who has the biggest tits? The blonde, because she's 18. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs? Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock. Priests should really be allowed to marry. Until then, they'll never know what HELL is really like. What is the difference between Olympic swimmers, and Olympic divers? Mark Spitz and Greg Swallows. The three words most hated by men during sex? "Are you done?" Three words women hate to hear when having sex.. "Honey, I'm home!" Why do men take showers instead of baths? Pissing in the bath is disgusting. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint? It's not very bright, but it spreads easy. Who are the three most famous Chinese virgins? "Tu Yung Tu," "Tu Dum Tu" and "No Yen Tu!" Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? When you take it off you wonder where her tits went. Why don't pygmies wear tampons? They keep stepping on the strings. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course... at least he'll shut up after you let him in. How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..." Why do women smile as they walk down the aisle? Because they know they've given their last blowjob. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. Why did so many blacks die in Vietnam? When the sergent said "Get down!", they got up and started dancing. How do you know when your redheaded woman has forgiven you? She stops washing your clothes in the toilet bowl. What's the difference between a blonde and a redhead in bed? A blonde let's you leave the bed when you are satisfied - a redhead let's you leave the bed when SHE is satisfied. Why don't men have mid-life crises? They stay stuck in adolescence. Penises come in 4 sizes: Small, Medium, Large & "Ohhh, does that come in WHITE?" Why are Women's feet shorter than men's feet? So they can stand closer to the sink. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 % - ... wedding cake!! What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig? A woman that won't do what she's told. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? He died laughing before he could tell anybody. How can you tell a woman's macho? She rolls her own tampons. Bumper sticker: Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole. If you women knew what men were thinking, you'd never stop slapping us. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law. My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week, it took four state troopers and a dog to seperate us. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ "Penis and Sex Facts" According to the Kinsey Institute, the biggest erect penis on record measures 13 inches. The smallest tops off at 1 3/4 inches. The Caramoja tribe of northern Uganda tie a weight on the end of their penises to elongate them--sometimes to such a degree that the men literally have to knot them up--while the Mambas of New Hebrides wrap theirs in yards and yards of cloth, making them look up to 17 inches long. In 1609, a doctor named Wecker found a corpse in Bologna with two penises. Since then, there have been eighty documented cases of men similarly endowed. Among the Mangaians of Polynesia, 18-year-old couples make love an average of three times a night, every night, until their thirties, when the weekly average drops to a mere 14. The maximum speed at which erotic sensations travel from skin to brain has been clocked at 156 miles per hour. A honeymooning couple are suing Holiday Inn for ten thousand dollars, claiming their sex life is now dysfunctional because an employee mistakenly walked in on them on their wedding night. At least 500 Americans die each year from asphyxia in an attempt to lessen oxygen flow to the brain in order to induce a more powerful orgasm. England's King Edward VII, a man of considerable heft, had a special table built so that he could comfortably engage in sexual intercourse. It was considered elegant for aristocratic ladies of the sixteenth century to let their pubic hair grow as long as possible so it could be pomaded and adorned with bows and ribbon. In fourteenth-century Europe, high-ranking noblemen were permitted to display their genitals below a short tunic, while those not impressively endowed could, if they chose, wear a leather falsie called a braquette. Given today's average frequency of sexual intercourse, it would take the typical American couple more than four years to try every one of the 529 positions described in the Kama Sutra. French President Francois Faure expired in a bordello in 1899 during the act of copulation, which so terrified his lady of the evening that her vagina constricted intractably, necessitating the surgical removal of the dead man's member. When men of the Walibri tribe of central Australia greet each other, they shake penises instead of hands. "There may be some things that are better than sex, and their may be some things that are worse. But there is nothing exactly like it." --W.C. Fields ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Adam and Eve in South African English ===================================== Adam and Eve are trapping around the Garden of Eden kaalgat. Eve checks this lekker apple and she skiems nooit hey, I'm gonna graze it stukkend. Just then a moerse voice from above charfes her "Los the apple chick, or I will send an unimaginable plague upon the wereld!" She kaks herself half stukkend, and losses the apple. A bit later Adam is trapping along when he gooi's a sharp regs and finds this apple, "Bliksem" he skiems "A'hm gonna chow this thing" Just then a moerse voice from above chirps him " Los the apple, or I will send an unimaginable plague upon the wereld!" "Ag nooit hey" he skims "I'm stukkend hungry" and he grazes it. That nagt, he and Eve are in bed when he hears a knock at the door. He pluks open the front door to hear " Eh, sorry baaas, Em looking fo' job..........." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ THE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J. SIMPSON "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs." "Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen." "You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine." "Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel." "If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers." "To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!" "I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'" "I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'cover for me.' Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'" "Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda." "Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'" "Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night." "Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get." "Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such." "Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way." "Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain what's-his-name?" We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?" "Television - teacher, mother, secret lover!" "Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Q: What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken? A: By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused. His mother was Jewish and his father was black. So Johnny says, "Mom, am I more Jewish or more black?" "What does it really matter? You'll just have to ask your father", his mother tells him. So Johnny's father gets home from work and Johnny asks the same question, "Dad, am I more Jewish or more black?" "What kind of a question is that, does it really matter? Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish of black?" asks his dad. "Well, it's like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, I don't know whether to talk him down to $25, or wait till its dark and steal the fucking thing!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish'". ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Did you Hear about the confused person who... *Waited on the street corner with a piece of bread to get some traffic jam. *Saluted the refrigerator because it was a General Electric. *Went to the lumber yard to see the Board of Education. *Ate some pennies and then asked if people saw any change in him. *Cut off his hands so he could play the piano by ear. *Put birdseed in his shoes to feed his pigeon toes. *Knocked on the lamp post because he saw a light upstairs and knew someone was home. *Brought a ladder to the party because the drinks were on the house. *Put his chin on the curb to get his mind out of the gutter. *Jumped from a skyscraper to show he had guts. *Put a chair in the coffin for rigor mortis to set in. *Took his pregnant wife to the grocery store because he heard they had free delivery. *Filled the gym with water because he heard he was going in as a sub. *Was so modest he went into the closet to change his mind. *Thought he was upside down because his nose ran and his feet smelled. *Put his best friend through the meat grinder so he could scrape up a new acquaintance. *Took the street car home and his mother made him take it back. *Backed out of the street car because he heard that as soon as he got up someone would take his seat. *Took his nose apart to see what made it run. *Pulled out his teeth so he would have more gum to chew ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied. "I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?" "No sir, our mother." "Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!" "I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail". Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games." The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well, according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. Val mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but Val begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, Val grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when................ The Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk. "Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk. "Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much about the game as themselves, and are really impressed. After the game they ask her, "How is it that you know so much about baseball?" She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change." The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. "What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut IT off?" "That was very painful, but was not the most painful part." "Was it when they cut off your balls?" "That was very painful, but was not the most painful part." "What was the most painful part?" "The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Q. What do you do in case of fallout? A. Put it back in and take shorter strokes Q. What's better than a rose on your piano? A. Two lips on your organ Q. What is the definition of pure agony ? A. Fucking a meat mincer! Q. Which of the following doesn't belong? (a) meat (b) eggs (c) wife (d) blowjob. A. (d) a blowjob because it's possible to beat your meat, your eggs, or your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob. Q. What is the new O.J. web site address? A. slash slash backslash escape Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers? A. Well hung. Q. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Arkansas? A. Everyone has the same DNA. Q. What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? A. The taste. Q. Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? A. They all have phones. Q. What do the gynaecologist and the Pizza delivery man have in common? A. They both get to smell the goods but neither one of them can eat it. Q. What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? A. "Dam". Q. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? A. Polaroids. Q. What do prisoners use to call each other? A. Cell phones. Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? A. Anyone can roast beef. Q. Where do you find a no legged dog? A. Right where you left him. Q. Why do gorillas have big nostrils? A. Because they have big fingers. Q. Why does Monica refuse to play golf with Clinton? A. Because she's tired of his balls hitting her in the face. Q. What do Monica Lewinsky and soda pop machines have in common? A. They both have slots that say "Insert Bill" here." Q. What do women and condoms have in common? A. They both spend a lot more time in your wallet than on your dick. Q. What do gay men refer to hemorrhoids as? A. Speed bumps Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common? A. They both like a tight seal. Q. What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? A. Sexual harassment. Q. What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? A. $3.99 a minute. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN "I'm going fishing." Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and standby a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety." "It's a guy thing." Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." "Can I help with dinner?" Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?" "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. "It would take too long to explain." Really means..."I have no idea how it works. "We're going to be late." Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac." "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Really means...."I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra." "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." "That's interesting, dear." Really means...."Are you still talking?" It's a really good movie." Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women." "That's women's work." Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless." "You know how bad my memory is." Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday." "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe." "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt." "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon." "I can't find it." Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." "What did I do this time?" Really means.... "What did you catch me at?" "I heard you." Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me." "You know I could never love anyone else." Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse." "You look terrific." Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving." "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again." "We share the housework." Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of "Good Nights" she went upstairs. Immediately all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each others shoulders beneath Snow White's bedroom window. Tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the only one who could see in the window it was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was doing. After a minute or two he hollered down, "She's taking off her blouse!" and this was echoed down the stack "taking off her blouse," "she's taking off her blouse," "blouse is coming off," "taking off her blouse,"etc. Next Grumpy yelled, "She's taking off her skirt," which was followed by the echoes "taking off her skirt," "she's taking off her skirt," "skirt's coming off," "taking off her skirt," etc. Of course the next line from Grumpy was, "She's taking off her bra!" and the echo chorus went down the line. Then, "She's taking off her panties!" which again cascaded down the dwarf tower. Finally Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw someone coming through the woods so he yelled, "Someone's coming!" and from the next dwarf to the bottom dwarf was heard, "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ In article <35eefc3e.2402407@manassa.demon.co.uk> ds[at]manassa.demon.co.uk (Gary Jones) writes: > On Thu, 3 Sep 1998 13:20:09 +0100, Chris Lawrence wrote: > > > Two things are driving the Internet forward - businesses and porn. Both > > are image orientated... > > What wunnerful sig material! Umm, but it's wrong. Porn images are for people who masturbate. Whilst presentation graphics are highly prized by upper level management, who are a load of wankers. Sorry, my mistake - it's right after all. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR GRANDPARENTS ARE STILL SEXUALLY ACTIVE!!! 10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor. 9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass. 8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture-burn." 7. Granny found cuffed to her walker. 6. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints. 5. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice. 4. Your "Grandma" is Anna Nicole Smith. 3. You've just seen the photos in the "BeaverHunt" section of the May issue of Hustler. 2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies. 1. Kraft-matic adjustable bed set for "doggystyle." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. " The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple." Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?" "Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. It pokes a hole in every fourth condom." "Well, that can't be good for the condoms!" "Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ There are nine beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman 2 French men and 1 French woman 2 German men and 1 German woman 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman 2 English men and 1 English woman 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman 2 American men and 1 American woman One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred. One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois. The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman. The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The 2 English men are waiting for someone to properly introduce them to the English woman. The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, another look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming. The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo on their wristband "Faxi-Mon" and are still waiting for instructions. The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex with the ravishing temparemental redhed is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any. The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide as they listen to the American woman bitching about how sex is always unsatisfying, on the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do only better, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how all men except her father are pigs, how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how her last boyfriend, even though he was a pig, respected her opinion and treated her much nicer, at least before he committed suicide. But, on the American island, at least the taxes are low and it is not raining. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ What are we going to call the next decade? Over the last 80 years it's been easy.... nineties, eighties etc. but the zeroies just doesn't have much of a ring to it. Let me be the first to propose an obvious alternative: 'the naughties'. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ If Restaurants Functioned Like MICROSOFT ======================================== Patron: Waiter! Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem? Patron: There's a fly in my soup! Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time. Patron: No, it's still there. Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead. Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there. Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using? Patron: A SOUP bowl! Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up? Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?! Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup? Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day! Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day? Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?? Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour. Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now? Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato. Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now. Waiter: (Leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.) Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check. Patron: This is potato soup. Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet. Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything. Waiter: (Leaves.) Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup! Waiter: That sir, is not a gnat. It is the protein feature we have now included for free with your upgrade. Didn't you read the license agreement? We are not liable for the disliking of our product features! Waiter: (Removes old check, and leaves a new one.) Patron: (Reads the check:) Soup of the Day ............................. $1.50 Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day ............ $2.50 Access to support ........................... $5.00 X 3 INCIDENTS= $15.00 Subtotal ................................... $19.00 Mandatory Gratuity. (25%) .................. $4.00 Total ...................................... $23.00 ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ This is an actual job application submitted to a fast-food restaurant. NAME: Greg B DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility. SALARY: Less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It was lousy. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 20 Kg. ?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Readers Digest Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise. SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Hello, my name is Alfonso Merkin. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, lack of sexual activity, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not sending out 50 billion fucking forwards sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them, that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with lung cancer brought on by second-hand smoke from the cigarettes smoked by the big bad men who kidnapped her and took pornographic pictures of her for use on their child pornography web site will get 6 fucking cents every time you send me the letter. Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send "his" email to $1000? How fucking stupid are you? Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Victoria's Secret model in the catalog! What a bunch of bullshit. So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. Fuck them. If you're going to forward something, at least send something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some "omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Office work dull?...None of your colleagues appreciate your humour?... Amuse yourself.* Points are awarded on a degree of difficulty basis.* You can award yourself extra points for creative execution. ONE-POINT GAGS * Run one lap around the office at top speed * Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other 'no-player' must be in the bathroom at the time) * Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you * Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye" * To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace. * When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!" * Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way" * Walk sideways to the photocopier. * While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open. * THREE-POINT GAGS * Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers * Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it" * Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice) * Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight). * Shout random numbers while someone is counting. FIVE POINT GAGS * At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself). * Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times. * For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'. * Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two". * After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamacian* accent.* As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour. * While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator. * In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damm it, all of you just shut up!" * At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again". * In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights". * Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?" * Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it" * Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go. * Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call. * Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk. * Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out. * Rollerblade around the floor throwing sweets ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Santa: "So little girl, what would you like for Christmas?" Girl: "I want a Barbie Doll and a G.I.Joe." Santa: "Doesn't Barbie always come with Ken?" Girl: No, she only fakes it with Ken." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ This is a real letter [yeah, right! - Ed.] which somebody posted to the Taxation office in IRELAND explaining why they had not paid Tax for several years. This is alleged to be the actual text of a letter received by the revenue Commissioners from a Co. Longford, Eire farmer in reply to an income tax demand. --------------------- Dear Sirs, Your letter arrived this morning in an open envelope and it would have given the son and myself pleasure had it not revived in us a melancholy reflection of what has gone before. You say you thought the account could have been settled long ago, and you could not understand why it hadn't. Well, here are the reasons: In 1987 I purchased a hay shed on credit. In 1988 I bought a combine harvester, a manure spreader, two horses, a double barrel shifter, two cows and ten razor back pigs, also on credit. In 1989 the bloody hay shed burnt to the ground leaving not a damn thing. I got no insurance either as the bloody premium had lapsed. One of the horses went lame and I loaned the other one to my brother who starved the poor bugger to death. In 1990 my father died and my brother was put away when he tried to marry one of his sheep named Hilda. A knacker got my daughter pregnant and I had to pay him a grand to stop him becoming one of my relatives. In 1991 my son got the mumps which spread to his balls and he had to be castrated to save his life. Later in the year I went fishing on the Shannon and the bloody boat overturned, drowning two of my sons, neither being the fucking eunuch who was by now wearing his sisters make-up and dresses. Not long after he emigrated to America with the new parish priest. They are now married and trying for children. In 1992 my wife ran away with a pig jobber from Drumlish and left me with new born twins as a souvenir and I had to get a housekeeper, so I married her to keep down expenses. I had a hell of a job getting her pregnant (to qualify for more children's allowance). I went to see the doctor. He advised me to create some excitement at the crucial moment so that night I brought my shotgun to bed and when I thought the moment was right I leaned out of bed and shot both barrels through the window, the wife shit the bed, I ruptured myself, and the next morning I found I had blown both doors off the barn, shot my best dairy cow and killed the fucking knacker who was in the hay loft with my daughter trying to get more money out of me, which he did because I had to pay for the fucker's funeral expenses. The next year, 1993, someone cut the balls off my prize bull, poisoned the water, and set fire to the house. I was bolloxed and took to the drink and did not stop until all I had left was a pocket watch and a weak bladder. Winding the watch and running for a piss kept me busy for a time. This year I took heart again and bought (on the hire purchase) a bulldozer, tractor and trailer and a new bull. Then the Shannon flooded and washed the bloody lot away, my second wife got V.D. from a land inspector and my last surviving son died from wiping his arse on a poisoned rabbit I had put down for dogs who were worrying the sheep. It surprises me very much that you say you will cause trouble if I don't pay up. If you can think of anything I've missed I should like to know about it. Trying to get money out of me will be like trying to poke butter up a hedgehog's hole with a red hot needle. I'm praying for a cloud of cat's shit to pass your way and I hope it will fall on you and the bastards in your office who sent me this final demand. Yours for more credit John Murphy ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Useless Facts: MONEY MATTERS It costs more to buy a new car today in the United States than it cost Christopher Columbus to equip and undertake three voyages to and from the New World. One-fourth of the world's population lives on less than $200 a year. Ninety million people survive on less than $75 a year. ANIMAL FACTS According to tests made at the Institute for the Study of Animal Problems in Washington, D.C., dogs and cats, like people, are either right-handed or left-handed -!- that is, they favor either their right or left paws. A giraffe can go without water longer than a camel can. Blue whales weigh as much as 30 elephants and are as long as 3 Greyhound buses. Crocodiles and alligators are surprisingly fast on land. Although they are rapid, they are not agile; so if you ever find yourself chased by one, run in a zigzag line. You'll lose him or her every time. Birds do not sleep in their nests. They may occasionally nap in them, but they actually sleep in other places. Most elephants weigh less than the tongue of the blue whale. INSECT NEWS Butterflies taste with their hind feet. Only female mosquitoes bite. Mosquitoes are attracted to the color blue twice as much as to any other color. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. Every night, wasps bite into the stem of a plant, lock their mandibles (jaws) into position, stretch out at right angles to the stem, and, with legs dangling, fall asleep. Ants stretch when they wake up. They also appear to yawn in a very human manner before taking up the tasks of the day. Bees have 5 eyes. There are 3 small eyes on the top of a bee's head and 2 larger ones in front. The outdoor temperature can be estimated to within several degrees by timing the chirps of a cricket. It is done this way: count the number of chirps in a 15-second period, and add 37 to the total. The result will be very close to the actual Fahrenheit temperature. This formula, however, only works in warm weather. (Try it!) FOOD FUN In the United States, a pound of potato chips cost two hundred times more than a pound of potatoes. Caesar salad has nothing to do with any of the Caesars. It was first concocted in a bar in Tijuana, Mexico, in the 1920's. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continually from the bottom of the glass to the top. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ President Clinton passes away and goes to Hell (because he was a bad boy). In Hell the Devil gives him a choice of three ways to pay his penance. Door No. 1: Is the Vice President overwhelmed with government issues, tax papers, the deficit and international health care not knowing what to do. He looks at Clinton with his face in agony and pain for help. Clinton says to himself: No I don't want that door. The people went against me and I had enough of the White House, I didn't like it in my alive life, I definitely don't want that now. DOOR NO. 2: Is Hillary Clinton being tortured and stretched on a stretcher about 10 feet long. She looks at him in agony. She says "please help me!" (with her horrified face). Clinton says to himself: No way, I spent my live years with her and gave her enough of my time no way I don't want THAT again. DOOR NO. 3: Is Monica Lewinsky giving a blow job to Ken Starr and Ken is lovin it... Clinton says to himself: Why not, it wasn't bad while I was alive, in fact it was pretty good. He tells the Devil: "I'll take this door." The Devil says: "Sure" and goes and tells Monica Lewinsky... "Okay Honey, you're relieved." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ 25 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK... 1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover. 6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear. 7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter. 8. It encourages car pooling. 9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care. 10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. 11. It makes fellow employees look better. 12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. 13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted. 14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable. 15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing. 16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar. 17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas. 18. Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of drinks. 19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break. 20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked. 21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union. 22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use. 23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up. 24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross." 25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A man decides to have a party and invites lots of people, telling them to bring their friends. On the invitation he puts "Theme - Party Come as a Human Emotion". On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" and the guy says, "I'm green with envy". The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink". A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped round her most intimate parts. He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" And she replies, "I'm tickled pink". The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party". A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two guys from Jamaica, stark naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and the other with his penis stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, "Guys, what the hell are you doing? You could get arrested for standing like that out here in the street. What emotion is this supposed to be?" The first guy replies, "Well, I'm fuckin' discustid, and my friend here has come in dispair."! ! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ University's Student center Bathrooms: "If you see four feet instead of two under the bathroom door, please notify it immediately to the University Police." Seen on a truck: "I am as smart as a horse and hung like Einstein!" Red light district in Galvaston Texas. The light was on but the ladies were not home. A sign on their door read: "Closed for the weekend, beat it." In the hallway of a High School in New Jersey "Our School: Commitment Responsibility Attitude Persistance." Road sign in Roosevelt, Utah: "Rest Area Next Right" - the next right leads a person right into to a cemetery. A sign in the local opportunity shop says, "If you're going to steal, then smile for the camera." While stopped at an intersection I noticed a man standing on the corner in front of a Burger King. He was holding a sign that read "Will work for food." If he had only looked up, he would have noticed that the Burger King sign directly above him read "Now hiring." A sign on the backbar- Earl's Bar-Indiana "A wise monkey never monkeys with another monkey's monkey." At an office: "This job is only a test had it been an actual job, you would have recieved raises,bonses and promotions." SEEN ON A BILBOARD ALONG A HIGHWAY: "Caution: objects in the mirror may have flunked drivers ed." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ There is an aircraft en route from the UK to the USA. Two hours into the flight the captain gets on the PA and says, "Excuse me Ladies and Gentlemen, there is a slight problem in that we cannot maintain our present altitude. I have jettisoned as much fuel as I possibly can, and this has not had the desired effect, I have therefore asked the first officer to go to the hold and discard all luggage in order to reduce the weight of the aircraft. I will keep you informed of any other events". Five minutes go by and once again the captain is on the PA, "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you know all available fuel and luggage has been discarded from the aircraft in order to reduce the overall weight of the plane. However, we are still losing altitude it is therefore my sorry task to ask for volunteers to jump from the aircraft." Five minutes go by with no reply, once again the captain gets on the PA, "Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, so far we have had no volunteers, so the only fair way is to do this in an alphabetical order". The aircraft is now gravely quiet. The captain says, "We will start with 'A'. Are there any Africans on board?" No reply... "OK then, let's move to 'B'. Are there any blacks on board?" No reply... "OK then," says the captain, "no 'A's, no 'B's. Lets move onto 'C'. Are there any coons on board?" At this moment a little boy turns to his dad and says, "Dad, I don't understand. We're from Africa, we're black and they often call us coons". The father turns to the boy and says "Not today son, today we're zots!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the Grand Emir. "A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One", stammered the wretched Abdul, "white man sit on well." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ For more than an hour the scrawny guy had sat at the bar staring down into his glass. Suddenly a burly truck driver loped across the room, sat down next to him and drank the guy's drink. The poor fellow burst out crying. "Oh, come on, pal," the trucker said. "I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink." "No, that's not it," the man replied. "This has been the worst day of my life. I overslept, was late for work and got fired. When I left the office, I found that my car had been stolen. I hailed a cab to go home but realized I had left my wallet at the house, so I walked the six miles home. Then I found my wife in bed with our neighbor, so I grabbed my wallet and came here. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life," the guy sighed... "...you show up and drink my poison." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn. "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off our car!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat by the counter. The bartender asks him "What'll you have?". The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this". A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration". The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again". The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!". The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double." To which the guy replies "Thank you. Make it a scotch." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Q: What's white and slides down bathroom walls? A: George Michael's latest release!! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A newly married couple returned to their house after being on honeymoon. "Care to go upstairs and have a bop?" the husband asked. "Shhhh!" said the bride "All the neighbours will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?" So the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?" "No, I definitely shut it", replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep. When she woke up however, she was feeling a little amorous herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?" "No thanks" said the husband, "It was only a small load and I've done it by hand." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ One day, Pinnochio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what girls and wooden boys do. As they were cuddling later, Pinnochio could tell that something was bothering his girlfriend; being a sensitive guy, he asked her, "What's the matter, baby?" Pinnochio's girlfriend gave a big sigh, "You're probably the best lover I've ever had", she said, "but every time we make love you give me splinters." This remark bothered Pinnochio a great deal, so the next day he went to seek some advice from his creator, Gepetto. Gepetto searched up and down for a solution. Eventually, he suggested that sandpaper might be able to "smooth out" Pinnochio's relationship with his girlfriend. Pinnochio graciously thanked Gepetto and went on his way. A couple of weeks later, Gepetto was in town to have some blades sharpened at the hardware store when he ran into Pinnochio and noted that his little wooden friend was buying every package of sandpaper the store had in stock. "So," Gepetto remarked, "Pinnochio, things must be going pretty damn good with the girls, eh?" "Girls?" said Pinnochio, "Who needs girls?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers 20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows. 19. Fetch command not available on all platforms. 18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side. 17. Too difficult to "mark" every web site they visit. 16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail." 15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating. 14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working. 13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee. 12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver. 11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging. 10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb. 9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome 8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand... 7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software. 6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test. 5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question! 4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver. 3. Annoyed by lack of news groups, alt.pictures.master's.leg. 2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms. and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers... 1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. * ( * 1. Too Damn Hard To Type With Paws. ) ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Corporate Zodiac Astrology tells us about people and their future by their time, date and location of birth. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of a person's birth. Demographics tell us what others like, dislike, whom they voted for, as well as what they buy and what they watch on television. The Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by an individual's job title, people can pretty much learn about an employee's hidden personality traits. MARKETING: You are ambitious, yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing - which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales. SALES: Laziest of all the Corporate Signs, often referred to as a "marketer without a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid all contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game, clothes, car and sex appeal throughout your career. CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service". Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager. TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Typically you went to a trade school because you didn't have time for all that "crap" required in college. Often, even you don't understand what the hell you're saying, but no one else except the engineers knows anyway. It is written that the Geeks shall inherit the Earth, but the Senior Managers keep contesting the will. ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that sixty percent of all the people on the Internet are either engineers, or wish they were one. You can be happy with yourself and the latest technology in your field. Your office is typically full of all the latest gadgets, catalogs and half finished spec sheets. ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of your co-workers are convinced that you are completely without feeling or emotion. You are often caught in the restroom, practicing your frown in the mirror. HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter! Your favorite expression is: "Now don't say anything, but..." MID-LEVEL MANAGERS/ DEPARTMENT HEADS/ TEAM LEADERS: Catty, cut-throat, and ambitious, but... you are probably destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life unless a Senior Manager dies or retires. You tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself and the number of subordinates you can con into sleeping with you. Best suited to date/marry other Middle Managers, as everyone in your social circle must be at least a Middle Manager for appearance's sake. SENIOR MANAGERS: You enjoy appearing to be the ultimate authority figure but actually, you are completely spineless, and determined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life, unless the head of your organization dies or retires. Unable to make a single decision, you tend to measure your worth by the number of Mid-Level Managers you can harass on any given day and insure that your office is the largest in the building. Best suited to date/marry other Senior Managers, as everyone in your social circle is a Senior Manager; besides, no one else would have you anyway. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ "All I Ever Needed To Know I Learned At Melrose Place" 1.All women are size 4 or smaller. 2.There is only one bar in Los Angeles (Shooters). 3.All men are seducible if they are straight. 4.Gay couples rarely kiss..., and if they do it's reported by the major networks. 5.No one ever dies from being sick/shot/blown-up once their picture appears in the opening credits. 6.All physicians are also trained psychiatrists. 7.Most people will forgive you for trying to kill them (Michael tried to kill Sydney, Sydney and Kimberly tried to kill Michael, Amanda and Bobby Parezi, Peter tried to kill Amanda, Kimberly tried to kill the whole cast). 8.In medicine, you can work your way up the ladder from resident to chief of staff in 2 seasons. 9.In advertising, you can work your way up the ladder from receptionist to VP in 2 episodes. 10.You don't need to be legally sane to practice medicine. 11.You can be a god-awful fashion designer (Jane) and a Harvard MBA (Richard) will still hire you. 12.If you crush your wrist in a waffle iron, you only need an ACE bandage. 13.When you are totally bald, it only takes a month to grow your hair back to shoulder length. 14.When the highlight of your week is the "scenes for next week", it's time to go out and get a life. 15.You can afford designer fashions on the salary of a receptionist at a doctor's office. 16.You can fall off a ten-story building and emerge unscathed as long as you fall on top of another body. (Even if you were shot in the chest at point blank range two weeks earlier.) 17.Once you sleep with one sibling, you'll sleep with every other sibling (Jo/Jake/Jess, Michael/Sydney/Jane, Australian Guy/Sydney/Jane). 18.If a bomb explodes in a building, the only person to die will be the person who has visited the building least often. 19.You can become a psychiatric resident at a major hospital within one month after your release from a mental hospital. 20.Once a mother gives her baby up for adoption, she never thinks about it again. 21.A lifetime of trauma over childhood sexual abuse can not be cured by therapy, but by embarrassing your father at a barbecue. 22.There are no Latinos or Asians in Los Angeles. 23.Chemotherapy does not cause you to lose your hair if you let your roots show after bleachng it. 24.And the most important lesson: Acting talent is not genetic; even if your sister is an Academy Award nominee, you can still be the worst actor on television. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Natural selection: Robbers ========================== A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record store, waving their revolvers in the air. One yelled "NOBODY MOVES!!" His partner moved, so ... he shot him. "I [was] a little nervous," he was quoted as saying. --- At a local mom-and-pop convenience store in Las Vegas, a drunk felon-type walked in and started waving a gun. For quite some time he terrorized the elderly owner who was standing behind the counter. While he was so involved, a woman who had been playing slots slipped out of the store, walked to her car and called 911 to report the incident. While she was still on the phone, the police (five cars) came screeching up. By this time our would-be Jesse James had robbed the old man and was walking toward his car. The gun was still in full view, by the way. The police took cover behind a car, drew their weapons, and ordered the felon to stop. He did not look at them (apparently with the idea that if he didn't acknowledge them, they'd go away) and continued on toward his car. When he got to his car, he discovered an unfortunate thing. His car was running, his lights were on, his doors were locked, and his keys were in the ignition. He decided at that time that he'd just mosey away from the scene. The cops were still yelling at him to stop and drop the gun, by the way. He stopped in front of a solid concrete wall (big mistake) and fired two shots in the general direction of the officers. Five of the six officers emptied their guns into our crook. One officer did not, because he had an elk hunting trip to Idaho for which he had already paid, and knew that if he fired his gun, he'd be on administrative leave. (That meant that he would not be allowed to leave the area.) The crook's family failed in their attempt to sue the police, by the way. --- SUBJ: How NOT To Rob A Bank -- The Adventure Continues Excerpted from The Washington Post, June 4, 1997, page B03; story by Brooke A. Masters, Washington Post staff writer So you want to rob a bank. Here's how not to do it: Don't walk barefaced into the bank. Don't rob a bank at the same U.S. Army post where you work. And above all, don't go back to the same bank, talk to the same teller and try to deposit the same bills into your own account. Daniel Christian Bowden, a 20-year-old military policeman at Fort Belvoir, stands accused of ignoring all those rules. He was arrested at the Fort Belvoir Federal Credit Union on Monday afternoon after a teller there thought she recognized him as the man who had stolen $4,759 at her window May 21, according to an FBI affidavit filed yesterday in federal court in Alexandria. The teller who had been robbed motioned Bowden over to her window, according to the affidavit and credit union officials. "She felt if she could hear him speak and look into his eyes, she could identify him," said Patty Kimmel, credit union chief executive officer. Bowden said he wanted to wire $2,900 to his home state of Texas, and he pushed a pile of money over the counter for deposit in his account, the affidavit said. The teller then took the money into the back room and began comparing the serial numbers with those of bills taken 12 days earlier. The first two $5 bills matched, and the credit union called the military police, the affidavit said. When the Fort Belvoir MPs arrived, they were in for a shock. Bowden, a private, is one of their own and has had FBI training on handling bank robberies, law enforcement officials said. --- SUBJ: Perfect Heist: Quick, Clean, No Paperwork or Drawn-Out Trial Excerpted from The Seattle Times, February 4, 1990 On February 3, 1990, David Zaback, 33 - a Renton (Seattle area) man - tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by his lack of a record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choice: 1.The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop; 2.The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial fraction of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places; 3.To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked King County Police patrol car parked at the front door; 4.An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt. The officer was Timothy Lally, 49, an 18-year veteran of the force. The clerk was Danny Morris. --- A young man decided to blackmail a well-known supermarket chain by threatening to contaminate the foods on sale there. He sent a note demanding 30,000 pounds to be paid into his bank account and provided, (just to make sure that they got the right amount into the right account) his bank account number. Not surprisingly he was soon caught and convicted. --- A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stick up note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left the Wells Fargo. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of America. --- Excerpted from The Davis (CA) Enterprise, Aug 3, 1997 A Davis man who allegedly stole another man's vehicle was arrested Friday when he went to the car owner's house and demanded his personal items from the car. David Joseph Carrozzo, 19, allegedly stole a 1986 Honda Civic on July 18 from the Amtrak parking lot, 840 Second St. The owner reported it missing the next day, and on July 20, a Davis police officer found it at West Manor Park. A teenage boy nearby admitted to knowing who had stolen the car, but would not reveal the name, so the officer returned the car to the owner. Then, on Friday, Carrozzo appeared at the owner's house demanding his property back. Instead, the owner called police, who arrested Carrozzo on suspicion of stealing the car. He was lodged at Yolo County Jail. The teenager was also arrested, but police released him to his father. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN ONLINE TOO LONG IF.... -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- 1. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help 2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL" out loud. 3. You find yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees when you smile. 4. You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other. 5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out". 6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. 7. If you are male and see a female in the "Real" world that you wish to meet, your first thought is to IM her. 8. If you are female and you see a male in the "Real" world that you wish to meet, your first thought is that you wish he'd IM you. 9. You don't understand the humor in the above mentioned #7 and #8 since the "real" world is at your fingertips. 10. You have to get a 2nd phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut. 11. When you have sex, you no longer are concerned about sexually transmitted diseases. 12. You walk into a room, and, finding that it has more than 23 people, you inform management that there is an error. 13. When looking at signs, you wonder why they are always "yelling"at you. 14. You go up to people you are attracted to "in real life" and ask them for their GIF. 15. Although you don't know what they look like, you become insanely jealous of people hitting on your cyber-love. 16. You don't even know what your cyber-love looks like. 17. When at work, your boss constantly reminds you that the word i should be capitalized. 18. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on. 19. Your spouse now complains of you moving your fingers in your sleep instead of talking. 20. Your kids are eating cereal morning, noon, and night. 21. When someone says, "What did you say?" you reply, "Scroll up!" 22. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep. 23. You turn down the lights and close the blinds so people won't know you're on-line again. 24. You know more about your AOL friends' daily routines than you do your own spouse's. 25. You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line and when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook. 26. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to your own. 27. You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much than the truth (online all night). 28. You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your own profile to see who you are. 29. You go into labor and you stop to type a special E-mail to let everyone know you're going to be away and how you're feeling. 30. You marry your cyberboyfriend/girlfriend and you both sit at your own computers and chat to each other every night from across the room. 31. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time. 32. You understand the humor in all of these jokes because you have committed them yourself! 33. Your dog leaves you. 34. You are doing things more and more that you swore you would never do when you first go online. 35. You sign on and immediately get 10 IMs from people who have you on their buddy/contact list. 36. You have a map on the wall w/ LOTS of red thumbtacks to mark where people are you have met. 37. You look at an annoying person off-line and wish you had your ignore button handy. 38. You bring a bag lunch and a cooler to the computer. 39. Your significant other kisses your neck while you're chatting & you think "uh oh, cyber sex perv". 40. You go thru "withdrawal" if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours. 41. Your buddy/contact list has over 100 people on it. 42. You understand what BIF ISO BIM means... 43. You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online before you have your first cup of coffee. 44. You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake. 45. You have your computer set so it goes directly into AOL's welcome screen. 46. You wait 6 hours online for a certain "special" person to come home from work. 47. You don't know where the time has gone. 48. You end sentences with 3 (or more) periods while writing letters by hand. 49. Your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have had. 50. You get up at 2 am to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer instead. 51. You don't even notice anymore when some0ne has a typo. 52. You enter a room and 23 people greet you w/ {{hugs}} or**kisses**. 53. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme. 54. Your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your/n and will TTYL". 55. You type faster than you think. 56. You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL too and are now undergoing therapy in private rooms instead of at his office. 57. You want to be buried with your computer when it dies or viceversa. 58. You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ "Helicopter Crash" In Virginia a helicopter was cruising fast at tree top level when the engine quit, too low to auto-rotate, the helicopter plunged into a small lake where three boys happened to be fishing. The boys who were at the lake saw the whole thing happen. They swan to the site of the crash, looked in the wreckage and saw that the pilot and copilot were both dead. The lone passenger was unconscious and barely alive. They pulled him out, took him to shore, and gave him artificial respiration - saving his life. Within a few minutes there were several helicopters circling the area and one of them landed. A guy got out who seemed to be in charge and came up to the boys, he congratulated them for saving President Clinton! "Boys," said the man, "you just saved the leader of our country! You each deserve a reward. You name it, and I'll give it to you." The first boy said, "I really want a pair of Nike Air Jordan's." The man replied, "Michael Jordan is a close personal friend of mine. I'll get everyone in your family 10 pairs of Nike's each." The second boy said, "I'd like to go to Disneyland." The man said, "I know Michael Eisner very well. I'll see that your entire family has an all expense paid trip to Disneyland." The man turns to the third boy and asked what he would like. The boy answered saying, "I'd like a mahogany wood coffin, bagpipe music and a fly over by the Thunderbirds at my funeral service." "Funeral service?" asked the puzzled man. "What in the world are you talking about?" The kid replied "When my father finds out who I saved he's going to kill me!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ *** Viagra inspires spring/summer fashion designs PARIS (Reuters) - Viagra hit the French market just when barely-clad young models paraded down the Paris catwalks, and at least one fashion designer put two and two together. At the house of Leonard's ready-to-wear show, Daniel Tribouillard feted his 40 years in fashion Sunday by baptizing a new shade, "Viagra blue," the color of the diamond shaped erectile pill taking the world by storm. That lavender blue, often strewn with vivid jungle flowers, stood out among his bright jeans with daring tops and vivid floral chiffons, just the thing for Riviera matrons seeking rejuvenation. [Hmmm, I guess this had to happen sooner or later?] ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ What Every Young Girl Should Know - What Kind of Man Makes the Best Lover? Unfortunately, many men who seem attractive on the surface are actually strongly homosexual, often without even knowing it. Men with lean waists, overdeveloped chests, arms and clean skin are actually unconsciously obsessed by male bodies. You should stay far away from men who are athletes or rock stars, and men who feel compelled to dress in fancy suits with clean shirts and polished shoes. These "men" often have a compulsion to spend money on sumptuous meals, taxicabs, and expensive trinkets to compensate for their affliction. Experienced, self-confident lovers, the kind you want, don't need to alter the natural contours of their bodies. They are content with slender arms, relaxed chests, and waists with a comfortable amount of flesh, which can come in handy during moments of intimacy (why do you think they call them "love handles"?) One other tip: Married men can be depended on not to cause embarrassing rumors about you at home or school. Men on short business trips are discreet, grateful, and particularly driven by passion. Look for them! HOW..."BIG"...SHOULD A MAN BE? Don't by shy. It's an important question, and one surrounded by confusion. The average man's penis is 2 1/2 to 3 inches long. Men substantially larger than this must often undergo painful surgery to cure their condition. In thickness, the average man is somewhat larger than a ball-point pen. HOW..."LONG"...SHOULD A MAN LAST? Some men can prolong the sex act beyond the once-imponderable thirty-second barrier; intercourse with an experienced man can go for up to forty-five seconds. Once in a long while, you'll find a man who can "last" as long as a minute. Whatever you do, don't let your girlfriends know you've landed one of these desirable "sixty second wonders." HOW DO I KNOW IF I'M HAVING AN ORGASM? The female orgasm is a sensation that's very hard to put into words, but most fulfilled, experienced women agrees that it "feels like something inside of you." When a man's penis is inside your vagina, or mouth or buttocks, that is an orgasm. You'll find a really skilled lover applies the same techniques to love as a gourmet does to a meal; he "leaves a little something on your plate." When, after intercourse, you feel a vague sensation that there could be "more to come," that "vaguely unsatisfied" feeling," then you can be sure you've experienced a sexually memorable adventure. WHAT IS A MULTIPLE ORGASM? There is no such thing. WHAT ABOUT ORAL SEX? This is one of the most significant differences between the sexes. If you look at pictures of a man and a woman, you'll see the a man's penis fits naturally into a woman's mouth. On the other hand, a man's mouth does not naturally fit into a woman's vagina. Thus, a woman orally stimulating a man is performing a "natural" act. But a man seeking to put his mouth on or near your vagina is committing an "unnatural" act (why do you think they call the vagina your "private parts"?) WHAT IS AFTERPLAY? Men have ways of expressing their satisfaction. His satisfied sigh, followed by a deep, consuming sleep, is a sure sign that he, and you are "GIB." Another example of male "afterplay" is his turning on a football or basketball game immediately after climax. Many women find a particularly satisfying postcoital experience in going into the kitchen and bringing a nice, cold beer for the man, along with a light snack, sandwich, potato chips and dip, to help her love put back depleted calories. WHAT IS IMPOTENCE? Impotence is what happens when a girl fails to stimulate her man properly. This can happen when her figure is not perfect, or when she tries to talk with him for too long before getting into bed with him. If this happens, you can help by turning on a sports event on TV or getting your man a sandwich. Another really good "foreplay" technique is to invite a really good-looking girl friend over, and do whatever he asks, to him or to each other, while he watches. HOW CAN I KEEP THE MYSTERY ALIVE? One good way to keep things from becoming routine is to vary your dress. Garter belts, black mesh stocking, leather or rubber suits will all help get your man's attention. Also, don't keep playing "one on one." Invite your more attractive and energetic girl friends over to take part. Another technique. and we think the best, is to use anonymous names. Have your lover call himself "Mr. Smith." Don't let him tell you where he lives, or his home telephone number. You'll find it lends an air of real "mystery" to the affair. HOW CAN I MEET REAL MEN? When looking for the ideal man, about twenty-five to fifty, married, on a business trip, with enough flab to assure you of his masculinity, go to a 'local' about 8:30 at night. Look around the bar, then, when you've found your man, unbutton the top three or four buttons on your blouse, wink at him, walk over and whisper in his ear, "You're cute, can I buy you a drink?" This is a real conversation icebreaker and things will naturally progress from here. SOME OTHER IMPORTANT QUESTIONS: "If I get pregnant, how do I know who the father is?" There is absolutely no way to tell. "What's the best way to keep my teeth and skin looking healthy and shiny?" One of the best and most frequently neglected substances is semen. The more you can somehow get on your teeth and skin, the better you'll look. "What are some "loving nicknames" we can use?" You should always call him, "Mr. Smith." You can also call him, "King Kong," "Master," or "stud." Men often call their favorite lovers, "Hey you" or "Uh, Miss?" "Where should a man take me?" Because so many homosexual men like to take their "dates" out for fancy meals, look for the man who will send you out to KFC or McDonalds for a snack. That means his mind is not on food, so you know what he's thinking about. "What happens if he doesn't call?" He may be trying to keep the romance alive; go out every few weeks to your 'local' and look to see if he's come back. If he doesn't, find another person who sort of looks like him and maybe write or works for a humor magazine, then try the "Can I buy you a drink?" technique with him. You may find you've met a new, exciting lover. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Here's a little quiz: 20 Correct - Genius 17 Correct - Above Normal 15 Correct - Normal 8 Correct - Nincompoop 6 Correct - Moron 3 Correct - Idiot 1. Do they have a 4th of July in England? 2. How many birthdays does the average man have? 3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28? 4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's sister, but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come? 5. Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada? 6. How many outs are there in an inning? 7. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? Why? 8. Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same number of games. There are no ties. Explain this. 9. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer? 10. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have southern exposure. A big bear walks by, what color is the bear? Why? 11. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have? 12. I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What are the coins? 13. If you have only one match and you walked into a room where there was an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which one would you light first? 14. How far can a dog run into the woods? 15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How long would the pills last? 16. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left? 17. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark? 18. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What does he weigh? 19. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen? 20. What was the president's name in 1950? Answers 1. Yes 2. One 3. All of them (12) 4. The beggar is her sister. 5. He can't be buried if he isn't dead. 6. 6 7. No - because he is dead. 8. They aren't playing each other. 9. 70 10. White. The house is at the North Pole so it is a polar bear. 11. 2 12. 50 cent piece and a nickel. (The other one is a nickel) 13. The match. 14. Half way. Then he is running out of the woods. 15. 1 Hour 16. 9 17. None - Noah took them on the ark. 18. Meat 19. 12 20. Same as it is now. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Another true story, whose facts may or may not exist. (Truth is truth, but facts are optional...) Karen ============================ This is about the physics of hell... A true story. A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: "First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose. Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over. Now, when asked if she would sleep with me, Jane Smith's reply in the twelfth grade was 'not until hell freezes over', and as this event has not yet happened, we can safely assume that the second of these postulations is correct, and that, therefore, Hell is in fact exothermic." The student got an A on the exam. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The President takes the day off work to elude the press corps and Hillary. He decides to go out golfing. Bill gives the slip to the Secret Service guys and ends up, unrecognized, at a small public course in Maryland. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit, 9 iron." The President looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit, 9 iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his club away and grabs his 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit, lucky frog." The President decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" the President asks. "Ribbit, 3 wood." Bill takes out a 3 wood and WHAM!, hole in one. The President is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the President golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK, where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit, Las Vegas." They go to Andrews AFB and fire up Air Force One file for clearance direct to Las Vegas, and arrive at 4 AM, still unnoticed, at a casino. Bill says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit, roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the President asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit, $300,000, black, 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, Clinton figures what the heck.Whoosh! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The President takes his winnings and his new buddy, First Frog (FF), and heads back to DC. Bill sets the FF on a cushion on his desk in the Oval Office and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money, and I and the Democratic National Committee are forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, kiss me." Bill figures, why not? Since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 25-year-old woman. And that, Mr. Starr, is how she ended up in my office." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ What do you call 3 dogs and a black bird ? Spice girls ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ '97 Darwin Awards All right, gang. Here are the Darwin Awards for 1997. You remember the Darwin Awards, right? These are given to the hard working person or people who die in the most stupid and senseless ways possible, thus eliminating them from the overall gene pool and strengthening our species as a whole. I think I speak for all of us when I say a big thank you to the following dearly departed for recognizing their own stupidity and thoughtfully removing themselves from this planet. Future generations are forever indebted to you. 1997 Darwin Awards Here are (drum roll) the 1997 runners-up and winners: 5th runner-up: A San Anselmo, California man died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., The Mono County Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit lift towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed. 4th Runner-up: Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police. Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found him asphyxiated in front of the store, and paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death. 3rd Runner-up: To poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him. 2nd Runner-up: MAN LOSES FACE AT PARTY: A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the man in Arkansas who used the .22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pick-up truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it", said Payne. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off". He put it into his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue off", Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that". Payne said. 1st Runner-up: Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a man's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Really Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grants Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this". No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation. Last year's winner, you will remember, was the fellow who was killed when he attached a JATO (Jet Assisted Take Off) unit to his Chevy Impala and shot himself and his car into a desert cliff at 300 M.P.H. Now this year's winners: (The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at The Gorge, a Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine-foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pick-up truck over to the fence and the plan was for (the late) Mr. Pernicky (who was 100-pounds heavier than [the late] Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm, as it were) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. (Possibly) figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocketknife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. Finally free, (did I mention he is THE LATE) Mr. Pernicky crashed into Holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now without the protection of his shorts, a Holly branch penetrated his rectal cavity. To make matters worse (?!), on landing, his pocketknife penetrated his thigh 3-inches. (The late) Mr. Hawkins, on seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety (now he thinks of the "S" word) by tying the rope to the pick-up truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence, landing on his friend and crushing him to death. Police arrived to find the crashed pick-up with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John under it, half-naked with scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25-feet in the air. Congratulations gentlemen, you win... Remember, safety first... Remember THE safety question: "WHAT'S THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN IF I DO THIS?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ DEFINITIONS BRAT: A kid who behaves much better than your own children, but belongs to a neighbor. CHILD PSYCHOLOGY: That wonderful device employed by parents who are allowing the child to have it's own way. PAR: What a golf addict's children call their father. PRAISING YOUR WIFE: Try it, although it will frighten her at first! MISUNDERSTOOD HUSBAND: One whose wife really understands him. MARITAL DIFFICULTIES: It's not the institution, its the personell. ASIAN MARRIAGE: In certain countries of Asia, a man does not know his wife until he marries her. But then, why single out Asia? SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE: One in which the couple has a prayer book, a check book, and a cook book. COMMON SENSE: That which would have prevented a great number of divorces by having prevented a great number of marriages. THE BETTER SPOUSE: The better spouse is the spouse who is not trying to make the other person better. MOTHER: A woman whose life is disorganized around her children. PUPPY LOVE: That which always evolves into a dog's life. CHINESE PROVERB: No married household can hang out a sign reading "No problems here." CONSIDERATE HUSBAND: Always willing to purchase a new summer outfit for his wife - a new rake and some seed packages. TELEVISION: Proof positive that some people would much rather look at most anything other than one another. HOME: The place where the kids stay, while the automobile is being repaired. CHILDREN: Young persons, most of whom would be on the right track if only the parents provided the correct switching facilities. HUSBAND: The man who knows he is in charge, and has his wife's permission to say so. FATHER: The man who has complete command, most of the time, of the dog. PARENT: A person able to supply toilet paper from nowhere on instant demand. DOCTOR: A person who makes a considerable amount of money just watching all this happen. MEALS: Those things which Mom and Dad eat, and which the kids inhale. GROCER: A person who makes a considerable amount of money just watching all this happen. TELEPHONE: A natural growth from a child's ear which comes about in late grade school and subsides sometime during college. BUBBLE GUM: The thing that Mom and Dad never touch, and which the kids exhale. KITCHEN: A room the kids have discovered in their quest for snacks. REPAIRMAN: A person who makes a considerable amount of money just watching all this happen. NEIGHBOR: A person very often quite willing to call the Orkin Man and sick him on your children. INSURANCE MAN: A person who makes a considerable amount of money just watching all this happen. STEREO SALES PERSON: A person who makes a considerable amount of money just watching all this happen. PLUMBER: A person who comes to your home and asks you if you own it free and clear, before he goes out to the truck to bring in tools. PSYCHOLOGIST: A person with problem children at home who is going to charge money to tell you how to raise yours. PSYCHIATRIST: A person with even more problem children at home who will charge you even more to tell you how to raise yours. TRUANT OFFICER: A person in the employ of the school district who is forced to come around and tell you a giant lie - the school wants the kid back! RETAIL OUTLET CLERK: A person who can tell you more about your children than any parent really wants to hear. DENTIST: A person who makes a considerable amount of money just watching all this happen. SCHOOL: A place where kids congregate to observe and discuss just how dumb teachers really are. SHOE SALESPERSON: A person who makes a considerable amount of money just watching all this happen. PROUD PARENTS: A man and woman, father and mother, who feel sure that the retail outlet clerk is not talking about their child! WATER METER READER: A person who keeps looking around your place, to see where the circus is located, since you are obviously watering all the animals. BATHROOM: A small room subject to continuous instantaneous disaster. CLOSET: The very last place anyone thinks to look for any lost item. ORTHODONTIST: A professional who, when approached, asks if you own your own home free and clear, and then asks whether the grand-parents own their home free and clear. SCOUT LEADER: Real proof positive that God still makes Saints! SHOPPING MALL SECURITY AGENT: A person possessed of very obstinate conviction that Retail Outlet Clerk is an absurd optimist. CHAUFFEUR: An average Mother who must deliver five children to six places in ten minutes, during the rush hour, and then get home to cook supper before anyone gets home. CAR POOLING: A game whereby Mom plays Chauffeur only every so often, which allows time for blood pressure to return to normal and strength to flow for next time. CHILDREN'S BEDROOM: A place for which you had better have a fairly stiff excuse if some health official visits. GARAGE - An area said to have been built for a thing the size of a car which now is taxed when you try to put the lawnmower away. CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS: Those items recently found on an Easter Egg Hunt which could not be found last November or December, and so you bought new ones, which are now lost. SCHOOL PLAY: A socially recognized ritual which brings parents together in a gym during the hottest of spring evenings, when the heater for the school mysteriously turns on and runs at full steam. SCHOOL PLAY STARLET OR STAR: Your own child, who portrays the deck of a sinking ship. BABYSITTER: A person old enough to know what to do, but not old enough to know better. BABYSITTER: A fairly small person who can eat more than a horde of locusts. BABYSITTER: A person who gets paid for emptying your fridge, deep freeze, kitchen cabinets, and who asks you for money to reimburse the Pizza delivery person. LAUNDRY: A good place to look, if it is not to be found on the floor in the children's bedroom. PETS: The chief cause of the neighbors remarks about why you do not take out a zoo license. BACK YARD: An area seldom used and even by accident in fairly good order. FRONT YARD: The area in which your kids and the neighborhood kids dig trenches to play war. The City sends an investigator to see if you are tampering with the water meter. MUDHOLE: See above, Front Yard. DRIVEWAY: Where your teenage son parks the 1964 Renault Dauphine he is going to restore, if the parts can be found....and they can't. RENAULT DAUPHINE: The car unanimously voted the most ugly commercial product ever produced by civilization in the entire history of humanity. TOW-TRUCK OPERATOR: A person who makes a considerable amount of money selling that old Renault Dauphine to teenagers and having them park it on their drive, until the parents revolt and order it towed away. GARBAGE COLLECTOR: A person who makes a considerable amount of money watching all this happen. GRANDPARENTS: People who think a Shopping Mall Security Officer is marked with the sign of the beast, a fiend, a criminal or worse. GIRL SCOUT COOKIES: What sweet little innocent girls sell that causes you to contact the Trust Officer at the Bank. INVESTIGATOR: A Public Park Ranger on Special Assignment, who tells you that your son CAN write, and does a fairly nice job of signing his name in spray paint. However, the statue is of Washington, not Bobby Thurston, and so you owe the Park Board $ 250! SCHOOL BUS SUPERVISOR: Another form of public servant who arrives to reinforce the paint spray episode, and you learn how much it will cost to repaint those buses! POLICE OFFICER, JUVENILE DIVISION: Another public servant who arrives to inform you that the Thurston Railroad Overpass now needs repainting, since this new logo for the railroad was done in bad taste and is incorrect. BREAD TRUCK DRIVER: Calls to ask if you are going to repaint the delivery truck, or if the matter will have to go to court. Does not deliver Thurston Bread! ATTORNEY: A person who makes a considerable amount of money watching all this happen. JUDGE - JUVENILE COURT: Is happy to see that this matter is being handled in a very expeditious manner and all damages are being paid for. SEASONED PARENT: One who has learned that, in the wrong hands, a can of spray paint can easily cost over one thousand dollars! NEWSPAPER REPORTER: A person who makes a considerable amount of money watching all this happen. Writes up detailed report, giving your home address and listing all previous offenses of family, including the time Grandpa stole horse from undertaker. ATTORNEY (2): A person who makes a considerable amount of money watching all this happen. Informs you that there is nothing to be gained by going after the newspaper reporter. Advice costs about half the price of spray paint. EDITOR: Defends reporter and refuses to run ad about reporter in paper. COFFEE SHOP: Location of final discussion and wisdom of whole affair. Discussion ceases when you are present, takes up after you leave. WEEKLY SHOPPER (Free): Owner refuses to run ad about Editor of Local Paper TRAFFIC: Continuous stream of automotive congestion caused by readers of local paper, seeing where the phantom painter actually lives. DOCTOR (2): A person who makes a considerable amount of money watching all this happen. Gives you medication for recent high blood pressure. And some light sleeping pills to help you get to sleep despite traffic in front of your home. PHARMACIST: A person who makes a considerable amount of money watching all this happen. Gladly fills prescription for medication and offers liberal free advice on what to do with budding artist. WRITER: A person who makes a considerable amount of money watching all this happen and writing it up for publication. Comes to interview you and ask about chances of your cooperation. RESPONSE: Never mind, you tell him, someone has already done that, but the names have been changed, and there is no traffic! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Men often find blowing off a woman the most difficult part of the dating process. The closest they ever come to telling a woman it's over is to look her straight in the eye and say, "I'll call you next week." But there is now a great way to blow a woman off. It's safe, it's affordable and the best thing is the female has no opportunity to throw things at you. It's at your fingertips right now: E-mail. That's how all the happening, 90's kind of guys are telling women they are not worthy. You'll feel like a real man knowing you have told her how you really feel from the safety of your keyboard. And you can delete her response without ever reading it. What could be more painless? Following is an email rejection letter: Men can use it the next time they need to put their main squeeze on notice. The text of the letter follows: Dear (her name), I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reasons you were disqualified from the competition: (men will check those that apply) _____Your failure to reach for your purse in even a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics. ______Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for the position. ______You failed the 20 question rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself. ______The only question you did ask was how much money I make. ______You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you. ______My breasts are bigger than yours. ______Your height is out of proportion with your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application. ______Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when it's this small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless. ______The way you enthusiastically jumped on stage at the alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality. ______Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap" shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously. ______Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into the bedroom so it would be "just like college" seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate. ______I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time. Sincerely, (Your name) --------------- Regards, ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ For those that have experienced fine in-room dining: Room Service: Morny. Rune-sore-bees. Hotel Guest: Oh, sorry. I thought I dialed Room Service. RS: Rye, rune-sore-bees. Morny. Djewish to odor sunteen? HG: Uh... yes. I'd like some bacon and eggs. RS: Ow July then? HG: What? RS: Aches. Ow July then? Pry, boy, pooch...? HG: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled please. RS: Ow July thee baycome? Crease? HG: Crisp will be fine. RS: Okay. An Santos? HG: What? RS: Santos. July Santos? HG: Ugh. I don't know... I don't think so. RS: No. Judo one toes? HG: Look, I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what "judo one toes" means. I'm sorry. RS: Toes! Toes! Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow cenglish mopping we bother? HG: English muffin! I've got it! You were saying toast! Fine. An English muffin will be fine. RS: We bother? HG: No. Just put the bother on the side. RS: Wad? HG: I'm sorry. I meant butter. Butter on the side. RS: Copy? HG: I feel terrible about this but... RS: Copy. Copy, tea, mill... HG: Coffee! Yes, coffee please. And that's all. RS: One Minnie. Ass rune torino fee, strangle aches, crease baycome, tossy cenglish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy. Rye? HG: Whatever you say. RS: Okay. Tendjewberrymud. HG: You're welcome. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide." And for plenty of good reasons, since: 1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting 2. it is a major component in acid rain 3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state 4. accidental inhalation can kill you 5. it contributes to erosion 6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes 7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical was water. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Educational Versions of Politically Correct No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired." You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed." Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive." These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined." Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive." Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps." Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook experience." You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness." You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time." You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome." You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor- rententive athletic footwear." No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced." You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective." You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal." You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations." You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building." It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information." The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ IF MEN WERE TO REWRITE THE RULES Rule # 1 Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days. Rule # 2 If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. Rule # 3 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way. Rule # 4 It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together. Rule # 5 Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are? Rule # 6 Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. Rule # 7 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both. Rule # 8 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs. Rule # 9 Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we. Rule # 10 Women who wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their chests stared at. Rule # 11 When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you stating "This is our exit." is not necessary. Rule # 12 Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Old Mrs. Goldstein was involved in a car accident. She didn't seem to be too badly hurt, but, just for safety - she was examined by a doctor. When she got back home her face looked like Tish'a Be'av. When her son saw her he was very concerned and asked her what happened. And she responded: "Son, I've got a flucky - who knows how long I have left to live" Son: "A What?" Mrs. Goldstein: "A flucky." Son: "What's a flucky?" "I don't know - I was in a car accident, and when the doctor examined me, he said I've got a flucky" Confused, the son calls the doctor, to ask about his mother - and the doctor says: "Oh - you are Mrs. Goldstein's son - the one that was in that accident - boy - your mom got off lucky!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?". The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?". The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ It was the accepted practice in Babylonia 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" - or what we know today as the "honeymoon". Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold, and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. This thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase "rule of thumb". In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's". After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or ale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle often without armor or even shirts. In fact, the term "berserk" means "bare shirt" in Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles. In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the navy's rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren't too pleased and called Admiral Vernon, Old Grog, after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore. The term "grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When you were drunk on this grog, you were "groggy", a word still in use today. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle", is the phrase inspired by this practice. In the middle ages, "nunchion" was the word for liquid lunches. It was a combination of the words "noon scheken", or noon drinking. In those days, a large chunk of bread was called lunch. So if you ate bread with your nunchion, you had what we still today call a luncheon. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ "Your honor, " explained the young man, "I'd like to get married, please." "All right, what is your age?" "I'm 22, sir." "And the age of the bride?" "She's 15, sir." "15??? That's too young -- marrying you would be against the law!" "I see, " said the young man. "Could you try explaining that to the fella next to her with the shotgun? ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Did you hear about the baby born with both sexes? It had a penis AND a brain! How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns don't talk. Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time. How are men like chocolates? A.They never last long enough B.They always leave stains whenever they get hot. What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they get drunk! What's the difference between a marriage and a mental hospital? At a mental hospital you have to show improvement to get out. Men are proof of reincarnation. You can't get that dumb in just one lifetime. Behind every great man is a puzzled woman. How are men like noodles? They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough. What do you call a woman that works like a man?? A Lazy bitch. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Men's English 01. "I'm hungry." = I'm hungry. 02. "I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy. 03. "I'm tired." = I'm tired. 04. "Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. 05. "Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. 06. "Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. 07. "May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. 08. "Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage! 09. "You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you. 10. "What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this. 11. "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? 12. "What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question. 13. "I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex? 14. "I love you." = Let's have sex now. 15. "I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now! 16. "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before. 17. "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different! 18. "Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me. 19. "Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. 20. (while shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ My fire engine A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that Johnny Nasty was wearing a red fireman's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever. When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly. Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you have there, son. But I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck." "Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex. The first old lady said she enjoyed sex now just as much as ever. The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was. The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom he gets turned on and has his way with her. The second old lady decides to try this approach so that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. Her husband comes into the bedroom, takes one look and says "For God's sake Maude, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you're starting to look like an asshole ! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ H O W T O H A V E A P A R T Y ! By Daniel Bowen Here are some handy hints to remember if you're planning on having a party: 1) Don't have one. You'll be regretting it for the rest of your life, as every day you'll find another piece of rubbish or a stain you hadn't seen before. 2) Keep control of the music. Don't let the alcoholic headbanger of the party take over or you'll have wall to wall heavy metal all evening as he gets completely pissed and lies in the garden, still banging his head on the garden path to the Slayer album someone was irresponsible enough to bring along. 3) Make sure no-one strays from the garden into the house. Grass is easier to clean than carpet, and is considerably cheaper, even if you do have to mow it. 4) Don't let any electrical engineering students do the lighting. You could end up electrocuting ten people and blacking-out the state. 5) If you're going to have a barbecue, make sure there's someone sober around who knows how to try to work it. Try not to let any intoxicated persons near the gas supply or the matches. 6) Do not let people who can't cook, cook. 7) When using party sparklers, do not wave them at passing aircraft, particularly when in the vicinity of an airport. 8) Always have a conversation starter ready for the dreaded and inevitable lull during the early stages of the party when everyone sits around talking quietly. Experts have identified a condition known as Sudden Party Global Quietness, whereby everyone suddenly and unexpectedly stops talking at once, leaving only the loud music and the quiet headbanging from the garden as the only sounds in the otherwise silent darkness. 9) Try to prevent lights exploding. 10) Do not, under any account, let in people that you don't know. Especially if they look like intergalactic hitchhikers - they always cause trouble. Subject all entrants to interrogation, search and "identify the host" procedures. 11) Try not to let the aforementioned alcoholic headbanger bring along his baseball bat. 12) Try not to let the aforementioned alcoholic headbanger and his baseball bat get into arguments with other guests, no matter how trivial or insignificant these arguments might seem to be at first glance. 13) Do not encourage those possessing baseball bats to go clubbing. 14) Have someone ready to turn the electricity off at the fusebox to plunge the house into darkness and silence the moment there is any hint of the constabulary being in the immediate vicinity. And hope they don't hear a hundred people screaming "What happened to the lights?", "I can't see a thing!" and "Whoever that is, get your hand off me!" 15) Keep your pets safe out of harm's way. They will probably agree with this. 16) Purchase plenty of provisions in advance so that people don't have to get lost somewhere in suburbia for hours in search of an open bottle shop. 17) To deal with the neighbours, either buy them a family pack of earplugs or invite them to get sloshed with everyone else. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Redneck Etiquette Redneck Driving Etiquette ------------------------- When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in. Redneck Personal Hygiene ------------------------ Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. Redneck Dining Out ------------------ Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours. Redneck Entertaining in Your Home --------------------------------- Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are. If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes. Redneck Dating (Outside the Family) ----------------------------------- Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years a go." If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration. Redneck Theater Etiquette ------------------------- What's the theater? Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. Redneck Wedding Etiquette ------------------------- Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift. It is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding. When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is. Redneck Etiquette for All Occasions ----------------------------------- Never take a beer to a job interview It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul van to the funeral home. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ * THINGS NEVER TO SAY TO A MAN WITH A SMALL PENIS * 1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. 2. Ahh, it's cute. 3. Stop fingering me and fuck me. 4. I'm sorry. 5. Who circumcised you? 6. Why don't we just cuddle? 7. You know they have surgery to fix that. 8. It's more fun to look at. 9. Make it dance. 10. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that. 11. Can I paint a smiley face on that? 12. It looks like a nightcrawler. 13. Wow, and your feet are so big. 14. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger. 15. It's OK, we'll work around it. 16. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim? 17. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh. 18. Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 19. Oh no, a flash headache. 20. (giggle and point) 21. Can I be honest with you? 22. My 8-year-old brother has one like that. 23. Let me go get my tweezers. 24. How sweet, you brought incense. 25. This explains your car. 26. You must be a growing boy. 27. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow. 28. Thanks, I needed a toothpick. 29. Are you one of those pygmies? 30. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow? 31. Ever hear of Clearasil? 32. All right, a treasure hunt! 33. I didn't know they came that small. 34. Why is God punishing you? 35. At least this won't take long. 36. Let's just stick with your hand. 37. Do you need a splint to prop that up? 38. How interesting. 39. I never saw one like that before. 40. What do you call this? 41. But it still works right? 42. Damn I hate baby-sitting. 43. It looks so unused. 44. Do you take steroids? 45. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks your dick. 46. Maybe it looks better in natural light. 47. I think there's a dildo around here somewhere. 48. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes? 49. Let me know when you're done. 50. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident. 51. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt? 52. Aww, it's hiding. 53. Are you cold? 54. If you get me real drunk first. 55. Is that an optical illusion? 56. What is that? 57. Does this run in your family? 58. I'll go get the ketchup for your French fry. 59. Were you neutered? 60. It's a good thing you have so many other talents. 61. Does it come with an air pump? 62. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality. 63. Where are the puppet strings? 64. Look, it all fits in my mouth at once. 65. Deep throat??? 66. Your big gun is more like a BB gun. 67. Can you get this pencil out of me now? 68. Do I hang my hat on it? 69. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes! 70. Don't hold back. 71. Never mind, why bother. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ My town was so small that..... They had to widen the main street to paint the white line down the middle. They only had one yellow page. Baskin Robbins had only nine flavors. One lady left her porch light on in December and won first prize for her Christmas decorations. They only had a semi-circle K. They had to share their horse with another town. No one used their turn signals because everyone knew where you are going. All the City Limits signs were on one pole. The same guy got all the Father's Day cards. They had to close the Zoo because the chicken died. Their only traffic light changed weekly. The first baby of the year was born in July. The town hooker is still a virgin. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his prick in a vice. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to...to...cut it off, are you?!?" The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ "Different States Have Weird Sex Law's" Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown-if they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!) During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains. In Cleveland, Ohio women are not allowed to wear patent-leather shoes. Clinton, Oklahoma has a law against masturbating while watching two people having sex in a car. It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate. [Hmmm... okay, there's one place with a law that makes sense... -psl] In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot off a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm. In Florida it is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to parachute on Sunday afternoons. The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts. In Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "The privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male." In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission. An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer! In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job-for men only-called a corset inspector.) In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day. In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds! A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment. Utah state legislation outlaws all sex with anyone but your spouse. Next to that adultery, oral and anal sex, masturbation are considered sodomy and can lead to imprisonment. Sex with an animal - unless performed for profit -however is NOT considered sodomy. Polygamy - provided only the missionary position has been applied - is only a misdemeanor. In Ventura County, California cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit. The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal. In Willowdale, Oregon no man may curse while having sex with his wife. In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (Including the wedding night). ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The Worst Convenience Foods ----------------------------- Meeter's Kraut Juice (Stokely USA): Yes, that's sauerkraut juice, which is even worse than it sounds. The taste and smell can be a bit, well, harsh, but KJ is reputed by its fans to have certain medicinal benefits (as a source of vitamin C, cure for intestinal bugs, etc.), which adds up to a classic case of the cure being worse than the disease. Guycan Corned Mutton with Juices Added (Bedessee Imports): The best thing about this Uruguayan canned good is the very pouty-looking sheep on the package label -- he seems to be saying, "Go on, eat me already." The second-best thing is the presence of both "cooked mutton" and "mutton" in the ingredients listing, which would seem to have all the mutton bases covered. Armour Pork Brains in Milk Gravy (Dial Corp.): If you're really looking to clog up those arteries in a hurry, you'll be pleased to learn that a single serving of pork brains has 1,170 percent of our recommended daily cholesterol intake. All the more ingenious, then, that the label on this product helpfully features a recipe for brains and scrambled eggs. Sweet Sue Canned Whole Chicken (Sweet Sue Kitchens, Inc.): From its size (think growth-impaired Cornish hen) to its overall appearance (it's stewed in a quivering mass of aspic goop), this product may change forever your idea of what constitutes a chicken. Gives new meaning to the old line about meat "falling off the bone." Musk Life Savers (Nestle Confectionery): You may think musk is a scent, but over in Australia, they think it's a candy flavor. A candy flavor that tastes disturbingly like raw meat, to be precise. But what did you expect from a country where eveyone happily consumes Vegemite? 3. Blind Robins Smoked Ocean Herring (recently discontinued by Bar Food Products): Possibly the world's most bizarre prepackaged tavern snack. Interestingly, the product's titular robin isn't actually blind, he's blindfolded -- the better, presumably, to avoid looking at these heavily salted herring strips, which look like giant slugs. 2. Kylmaenen Reindeer Pate` (Kylmaenen Oy): This Finnish canned good may not be particulary tasty, but at least it answers the age-old question of why Rudolph was so eager for that safe, steady job on Santa's sleigh team -- he didn't want to end up a cracker spread. 1. Tengu Clam Jerky (Tengu Co.): Nothing you've ever consumed can prepare you for the horror that is clam jerky. Still, this product does score a sort of conceptual coup: If you're the sort who's always found raw clams too slimy and gelatinous for your taste, these dried, shriveled mollusks will help you dislike clams on a whole new level. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ U.S. Forestry Service Travel Warning The last two years have seen unprecedented growth in Bear populations in Alaska and the Rocky Mountain area. As spring approaches, tourists are warned to wear small bells on their clothing when hiking in Bear Country. The bells warn away most bears. Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to Bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears. One can tell Grizzly droppings because they have small bells in them. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Here's a recent set of letters that came to me from our Bawdy.Net Postal Clerk. Roger writes: "Not that you likely give a shit, BawdyKing, but if you publish any more overtly racist material, I will be gone forever. You have got to be new on the job of moderator as I don't recall this low level below, or maybe you're trying to get fired. I hope you learn fast or get fired fast if you don't. But I won't know even it if the first isn't true." What do you do about folks this incredibly dim? FYI, Roger, I will publish whatever I feel like. Racist, misogynist, misanthropic, bigotted, ageist, sexist, whatever. You wouldn't believe how little the threat of you being "gone forever" affects me. As a matter of fact, *please* unsubscribe. You're obviously too close minded, tight assed and just plain stupid to appreciate the list for what it is. After Kaiser wrote back, Roger followed up with: "Who's the pinhead? What difference does it make what color he is? Racist shit is just that. If you never heard of anti-Semitic Jews,anti-Black Blacks, Poles who tell Polack jokes, I suggest you go back to school. Believe me, flaming me is not a substitute for knowing what you're talking about. So do ask the Oreo to write." Can you believe that prick called me an Oreo? :-) OK, Roger, I give. I'm a racist. Actually, I'm a misanthrope. I hate everyone. :-) And after being reminded that, in the Welcome Message you *all* got, it points out that yours truly is Black, Roger still has enough brain cells left to respond: "If you couldn't figure out 'Oreo', work on 'coconut'. If Shawn is black, he can explain it to you. "And I don't care what your welcome message is, I will call them as I see them." So do I, Roger. You're an asshole. That's pretty much the beginning and the end of the story. ************************************************************** OK, this guy was trying to subscribe to the list. Now, I don't think it's a difficult process. Obviously, he does: Fuck you assholes. The information you wanted you got from me. I'm assuming that the format wasn't correct but only you fuckheads could turn simple information into a problem. I'm glad you wrote back because now I know for sure that you guys are idiots. By the way, whose the incompetent one? You can't even spell incompetent.(see your note). Fuck you very much, John Where the hell do we find these numbnuts and who the hell taught them to use a computer!? :-) ************************************************************** Why are all blacks fast? Because all the slow ones are in jail. Why don't you hit a car driven by a black guy? It's probably yours. How do we know Adam was white? Have you ever tried to take a rib from a black man? Did you hear about the black guy and the Mexican who opened a restaurant? It's called Nacho Mama. What do you get when you cross two black people? Your ass kicked! What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day? On St. Patrick's Day, everybody wishes they were Irish. What's black, blue, red all over, face down in a sewage ditch? Some idiot who told too many black jokes. What part of a woman does a man like looking at best? The top of her head. Which 3rd grader has the best body, the blonde, brunette or redhead? The blonde - she is eighteen. It seems that Ken Starr is dropping all sexual allegations against President Clinton. It all stems from the Paula Jones case. The spokesperson remarked that it would be impossible for a woman with a six inch nose to give a blow job to a person with a three inch dick. Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? It changes their blood type. What do Lifesavers do that a man can't? Come in eight flavors. Why don't Canadians have group sex? Too many thank-you letters to write afterwards. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network. Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. After digging 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass and soon they announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fibreoptic cable network. Irish scientists were outraged. They dug 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient Irish 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ >> > "Useless Parts" >> > >> > Did you know that a man is made up of many useless "things?" >> > >> > He has an Adam's apple that isn't an apple... >> > Two calves that will never become cows... >> > A nose bridge that doesn't lead anywhere... >> > A roof of the mouth that won't cover anything... >> > Twenty nails that won't hold a board... >> > A chest that won't hold linen... >> > Two tits that won't give milk... >> > Two buns that won't feed anyone... >> > A belly button that won't button... >> > Two balls that won't roll... >> > An ass that won't pull a plow... >> > An organ that won't play music... >> > A cock that won't crow... >> > >> > .....And what are YOU laughing about?!? >> > >> > You've got a pussy that won't catch mice!! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ POSSIBLE TITLES FOR LEWINSKY'S NEW BOOK I Suck At My Job What Really Goes Down In The White House How I Blew It In Washington You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President Clear and Present Boner Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule Going Back for Gore Podium Girl Secret Services to the President Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton Deep Inside The Oval Office The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions She's Chief of MY Staff! Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes How To Beat Off the Government Going Down and Moving Up Members of the Presidential Cabinet Me and My Big Mouth How To Get Ahead in Business ... ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ There's this young couple, Louise and Al, they've been married for about a year, and the bride isn't getting any sex. Just about every night hubby comes home, has a shower, gets changed and goes down to the pub. She's getting increasingly rampant as the days go on, but each night she is disappointed. Al comes home every night completely hammered and unfit for sexual activity. One particular night when Al gets in from work, Louise is seated provocatively on the sofa, wearing the skimpiest dress she has, suspenders, stockings, and very sexy lace panties & bra. As is always the case, Al comes home runs upstairs, gets ready and goes to the pub. Once again Louise is rejected, so she sits back with a bottle of wine to console herself. Then at 11pm (well before normal) she hears Al coming up the driveway and opening the front door. Louise re-adopts her sexually provocative pose on the sofa and to her surprise, Al's first words are "Right woman, get upstairs - into the bedroom." "YES!" she says under her breath as she runs upstairs, "This is the night, I'm gonna get some!" When Louise reaches the bedroom, she removes her outer garments and sits on the edge of the bed in her black lace panties - ready for Al, as he stomps up the stairs. As Al pushes the bedroom door open he says, "Right, now get you clothes off!" Louise doesn't need telling twice, it's off with everything. "Now get over in front of the mirror..", "Kinky" she thinks "great!", "and do a handstand...", "Oh god, I've been waiting for this for fucking ages" thinks Louise... Al walks over to Louise parts her legs and places his chin in her crotch..."Perhaps the blokes were right, a beard wouldn't suit me!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Confucious: 1.Man who buys drowned cat pays for wet pussy 2.Secretary not permanent until screwed on desk. 3.Is good to meet girl in park, but better to park meat in girl! 4.Baseball very strange game. How can man with 4 balls walk? 5.Man who make love to car exhaust pipe have HOT ROD. 6.Man going through airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok. 7.Naked man fears no pick pocket. 8.Man who masturbate only screwing himself. 9.Best way to prevent hangover is to stay drunk. 10.Man trapped in sewer eat shit or die. 11.He who eats crackers in bed get crummy sleep. 12.Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters into his own hands. 13.Wise man never play leapfrog with a unicorn. 14.He who sniffs coke drowns. 15.Man who piss into wind get wet. 16.Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloons. 17.Never eat yellow snow. 18.He who lives in glass house dresses in basement. 19.Man with one chopstick go hungry 20.Man who go to bed with diarrhea wake up in deep shit. 21.Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time. 22.Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be shiftless bastard. 23.Boy who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand. 24.Butcher who back into meat grinder get a little behind in his orders. 25.Fly who sit on toilet seat get pissed off. 26.He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise. 27.He who sleep with itchy bum, he will wake with smelly thumb. 28.He who stands in corner with hands in pocket doesn't feel crazy, feels nuts. 29.He who stands on toilet seat is high on pot; and he who sniffs Coke, drowns. 30.Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself. 31.Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get A flat miner. 32.Man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead. 33.Man with an unchecked parachute will jump to conclusion. 34.Woman who fly upside down have hairy crackup. 35.Penis put in vacuum cleaner get sucked off. 36.Man who pull out too soon get hit in rear end. 37.Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails. 38.Man who paints on toilet door is a shithouse painter. 39.Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. 30.Virginity like balloon. One prick, all gone. 41.Man with hand in pocket is having a ball. 42.Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it. 43.Man with no legs bums around. 44.Man who smoke pot choke on handle. 45.It is OK for shit to happen. Shit will decompose. 46.Man who put head on Rail Road track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache. 47.Is good to learn how to masturbate, may come in handy! 48.Never raise hands to angry female, it leave groin exposed. 49.Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot is unsanitary. 50.Man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink. 51.Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants! 52.Man who fart in church sit in his own pew! 53.Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Apparently-to: herby.honigsperger@lairbbs.co.za Date: Sun, 10 Jan 1999 01:46:16 +0200 To: Herby =?iso-8859-1?Q?H=F6nigsperger?= Subject: Cyber Horror From: brian@worlock.demon.co.uk (Brian W Adlington) Newsgroups: uk.adverts.personals I just got a funny story E-mailed to me by a friend and i thought "The UAP crowd might enjoy this..." so here it is. ..................................................................... Normally when I hear embarrassing stories about my friends I sort of chuckle a little and let it pass. However, when my friend at CU Boulder wrote me this letter, telling me about her embarrassing experience, as sick as it was I could not help but become hysterical. I asked my friend if I could write it up, she didn't mind as long as I didn't use her name, so here it is: A girl, let's call her Jen, is a junior in college attending school Colorado. Like all college students, she is wrapped up in the partying and the wildness college life has to offer. Jen, being the computer science major that she is, does, however, have a lot of work to do on her computer. So when she's not out having a good time, she's working her butt off designing computer programs and installing software. One day, soon after she had broken up with her boyfriend, she was home alone on a Friday night for the first time in the three years they had been dating. She was sad, alone and depressed, so she decided to make a new homepage. While she was playing on the net, she decided to get onto a chat line. Being the wild psycho she is, she logged onto a sex line. Over the line, she met a guy who identified himself as Jeremy. She started playing with him, gave a false name, saying her name was "Katie," and started getting into detail about what she would like to do to him with her tongue. He responded by telling her to picture being naked while his hands ran over every square inch of her body. Soon they were having cybersex. This went on for a while, and then she got off the line agreeing to meet him back on the line the following night. Saturday night rolls around, and Jen, as 'Katie,' is on the line with Jeremy again. They become even closer this night, and they continue like this for a week. At the end of the week, they started talking about other things and got into very intimate issues and feelings. They became close, exchanging details about their lives, but Jen didn't tell Jeremy she was in college, because she was afraid of sounding like an immature college girl. She felt guilty, but after a few weeks, she really liked this guy. The virtual relationship carried on like this for months, and the months turned into a year. By the end of the year, they had exchanged their most intimate thoughts, but had never even spoken on the phone. They were afraid of ruining the mystery. 'Katie' & Jeremy had done everything sexually possible over the net, and they were affectionate as well, waiting for the day that they could someday be together. Finally the time had come; they had to meet each other. They were in love. They didn't care about age or looks, but only for each other. Jeremy told Jen he thought she could be his next wife. Jen was wary at first, but decided she didn't care how old or ugly he might be. She loved him, and he was the only one she could feel comfortable with. They planned a trip to meet in Vail, Colorado. They were finally going to see each other and spend the rest of the weekend together. As Jen didn't want the hassle of trying to recognize someone she's never seen, she said, "Why don't you just get a room? We'll meet there, and that way there will be no mistake." Jeremy agreed. Jen showed up at the resort first and checked in, telling the desk lady to hold a key for the next party. She then went up to the room. Wanting things to be special, she lit some candles and put on some music. She stripped naked and climbed into bed under the covers, deciding to surprise Jeremy when he got there. The lights were out and the mood was right when she heard a key in the door. She heard someone walk in and around the corner. She whispered, "Jeremy?" A voice replied, "Katie?" "Yes," she said, so he fumbled for the light and turned it on to see Jen on the bed naked before him. Then next thing heard around the world were two blood curling screams. Jen covered herself up, and in her most humiliated voice said, "Dad?" This really did happen. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Dilbert's Words of Wisdom 1.I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. 2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. 3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? 4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. 5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. 6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. 7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. 8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. 9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again. 10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. 11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!" 12. My Reality Check bounced. 13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. 14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier. 15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. 16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. 17. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ **Official Microsoft Announcement** It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Glasgow edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Glasgow. If you have one of the Glasgow editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The Glasgow edition may be recognised by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDAES 98 with a background picture of a Buckfast bottle superimposed on a Clydebank flag. It is shipped with a Buckfast screen saver. Also note: The Recycle Bin is labelled Oot tae fuck Dialup Networking is called Ma Mates Control Panel is known as How Tae Fuck Aboot Wi The Settins Hard Drive is referred to as Big Disk Floppies are known as Them Wee Plastic Bastards Other features: OK = its aww-right cancel = fuck off yes = aye no = nay fuckin' chance find = get it yer fuckin' sel' go to = orr therr help = ah cannae dae it stop = gie's fuckin peace start = fuckin' move settings = settins programs = stuff at does stuff personal folder = ma shit Also note that Windaes 98 does not recognise capital letters or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to WINDAES 98: tiperiter = a word processor cullerin book = a graphics program addin mershene = calculator scratch paper = notepad (usually unused) Sounds = CD player porn = Microsoft Internet Explorer pikchers = a graphics viewer dole money = M/S accounting software Sellik = a spreadsheet of Celtic F.C.'s recent scores Bevvy = local off-licences by area code and price of Tennent's Super tax records = usually an empty file Kappa tracksuit inventory (usually 3 meg file) We regret any inconvenience it may have cause if you received a copy of the Glasgow edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ MEMORANDUM To: The IT Manager I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions, because this Y to K problem makes no sense to me. Be that as it may, I have completed the conversion of the corporate calendar for the year 2000, per my understanding of the instructions. The months now read as follows: Januark Februark March April Mak June Julk etc. Please let me know if there is anything else that needs to be done in preparation for the year 2000. Sincerely Yours Y to K Project Manager ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A gynaecologist decides that he'd had it with gynaecology. He wanted to go and fulfil his lifelong dream and become a car mechanic. So he studied hard, and when he felt he was ready, he registered to go take the state licensing test. The results of the test arrived a few weeks later, and with trembling hands he opened the envelope to discover that he passed with flying colours! He got a score of 200 points out of the 100 points possible. "200 points out of 100 points possible?" he asks himself. "How can that be?" So he calls the licensing board and they tell him: "You see sir, you received 50 points for taking the engine apart perfectly, 50 points for putting the engine back perfectly, and 100 EXTRA points for doing it all through the muffler." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ TO : ALL PERSONNEL FROM : THE MANAGEMENT SUBJECT : ABSENCE FROM DUTY As a result of the exceptonally high loss of many hours due to the absenteeism in the last financial year, the following rules and procedures havebeen decided upon ; 1. ILLNESS ( no excuse). The management will no longer accept a Doctor's certificate. We are now convinced that if you are well enough to visit a Doctor you could just as well come to work. 2. DEATH (excepting your own). This is also no excuse. As the person is already dead , there is no more you can do for him or her. It is suggested however, that in an event of a closely related member of the family passing away, the funeral be arranged to correspond with your lunch hour so that no time will be lost should you wish to attend the said funeral. 3. DEATH (your own). This is a good excuse though we must emphasize the necessity of a minimum of two weeks notice as we have to train someone else to take your place. 4. OPERATIONS. This is stictly forbidden. While you are in our employent, you will need all your parts to function properly. You were employed with all your organs and to remove any of these will result in an appropriate drop in salary. 5. VISITS TO TOILET. Too much time is lost by persons frequently visiting the toilets unnecessarily. Visiting hours from now in will be in ALPHABETICAL ORDER. Persons with a surname beginning with an 'A' shall visit the toilet between 9h00 to 9h125 and persons with a surname beginning with a 'B' from 9h15to 9h30, and so on. Those who do not have the time or opportunity to go on his or her vising hours will have to wait till the following day.... By Order MANAGEMENT ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Q: What is the definition of Confidence? A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next!" Q. How do you know when you are getting old? A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts. Q. What do women and prawns have in common? A. Their heads are full of shit but the pink bits taste great Q: What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad? A: One says 'ribbit ribbit', the other one says 'rub-it rub it!' Q: When is a pixie not a pixie? A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin. Q: What's the definition of a Yankee? A: Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself!! Q: How do you tell that you have a high sperm count? A: Your date has to chew before she swallows. Q: What is the speed limit for sex? A: 68 - because if you go 69 you turn over. Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water? A: "It might take me a while to get hard, I just got laid last night." Q: What is the politically correct name for Lesbian? A: "Vagitarian" Q: What is the difference between a 69 and driving in the fog? A: When driving in the fog, you can't see the asshole in front of you. Q: What do Kodak and condoms have in common? A: They both capture the moment. Q: What's got 90 balls and makes women sweat? A: Bingo. Q: How many Freudian analysts does it take to cange a light bulb? A: Two, one to change the bulb and one to hold the penis, I mean ladder. Q: What have the Gas Board and pelicans got in common? A: They can both stick their bills up their arse. Q: Why don't blind people skydive? A: It scares the shit out of the dog. Q: What have women and condoms got in common? A: If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet. Q: What's the difference between light and hard? A: You can get to sleep with a light on. Q: How do you make a dog drink? A: Put it in a liquidizer. Q: How many pessimists does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, it's probably screwed in too tight anyway. Q: What's got 500 legs and no pubic hair? A: The front row at a Boyzone concert. Q: What's got four legs and an arm? A: A rottweiler. Q: What's got two legs and bleeds? A: Half a dog. Q: What is the definition of disgusting? A: Siamese twins joined by the mouth, and one throws up. Q: What do two lesbians do when they're both menstruating? A: Finger-paint. Q: How do you know that you are in a real lesbian bar? A: Not even the pool table has balls. Q: Why were lesbians invented? A: So feminists wouldn't breed. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Advice for the Pregnant Couple: Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs? A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all. Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant? A. Have sex once a year. Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving? A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant. Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive? A. Then the jig is up. Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this? A. Your therapist. Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A. With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? A. If it's the flu, you'll get better. Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true? A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip. Q. Since I became pregnant, My breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy? A. Yes, your bladder. Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving? A. Depends on what you're doing with them. Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? A. Cause you're fatter then they are. Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A. So what's your question, dipshit? Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born? A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves. Q. Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor? A. When the sex is between your husband and another woman. Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold? A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him. Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q. When is the best time to get an epidural? A. Right after you find out you're pregnant. Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position? A. Authorized personnel only - doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc. Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids? A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for. Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk? A. In your breasts. Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps? A. Yes, baby lips. Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth? A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse. Q. How does one sanitize nipples? A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan. Q. What are the terrible twos? A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey. Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing? A. When you see teeth marks. Q. What is the grasp reflex? A. The reaction of new fathers when they see a new mother's breasts. Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing? A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first. Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away? A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare. Q. Do I have to have a baby shower? A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly. Q. What causes baby blues? A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos. Q. What is colic? A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control. Q. What are night terrors? A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again. Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A. When the kids are in college. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Brian is a commercial saturation diver for XXXX Divers out of Louisiana and performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an email he sent to his sister. Excuse the language. Anytime you think you have had a bad day at the office, remember this letter....True story. - April, 1998 ---- Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. so, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the comms. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my chamber dry decompression. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it up my ass when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my asshole was swollen shut. I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship. Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope this will make it more tolerable. George ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A man goes into a little neighborhood pub, and when he sits down, he notices a beautiful woman sitting at the other end of the bar. He waves to her, and much to his surprise, she winks back at him. It doesn't take long before he is on the stool next to her. They talk for about fifteen minutes and then the man says to the woman, "You're really hot!" "You're pretty cute, too," she says to him. "I'll tell you what. I live just around the corner. What do you think about coming up to my place?" "It sounds great!" the man eagerly replies. "Before we go up there, though," the woman says, "I have to ask you one question: Do you like doing it Greek style?" "Well...uh...I'm not exactly sure what that is," the man answers, "but it sure sounds interesting and I'm willing to learn! Let's go!" So the two of them walk over to her apartment. As soon as they get inside the door, the woman rips off all her clothes. The man can't believe his eyes. The woman has an incredibly beautiful body. "Now, you're *sure*," the woman asks, "that you want to do it Greek style?" "Definitely!" the man replies. "All right, then," says the woman. "Take off all your clothes, and get up on the bed on yours hands and knees." "Sounds like fun!" the man exclaims. He leaps out of his clothes and climbs onto the bed on his hands and knees. The woman goes around and gets onto the bed right in front of the man. She kneels down in front of his head. She asks him again, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?" "Yeah! Yeah!" says the man. The woman grabs the man with her arms right under his armpits, getting him in a lock hold. He can't move at all, and his head is pressing right into her chest. One more time she says, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?" The man's muffled voice can barely be heard from between her breasts. "Yeah!" he mumbles, "Greek style!" The woman's grip on him tightens like a vice, and she yells out, "GUS!" Follow-up: [as ripped from bawdy.net - Ed.] --------- "I thought I'd just mention that a friend of mine *swears* that the story about the "Greek style" (as above) actually happened to a friend of his a few years back when they were in the Navy. Supposedly, his buddy met this gorgeous women in a bar. One thing led to another, and before too long they were back at her place screwing like minks. Then she suggested that he tie her up. Which he did. Then she suggested that it was *her* turn, and she tie him up. Which she did. After which some strange man leapt from the wardrobe where he had been hiding, and proceeded to screw my friend's buddy up the arse so hard that he needed medical attention afterwards! But the *really* weird part was this strange man was dressed in a Superman costume!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The five types of sex: The first is "Smurf Sex". This happens during the honeymoon. You both keep doing it until you're blue in the face. The second is "Kitchen Sex". This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen. The third kind of is "Bedroom Sex". You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom. The fourth kind is "Hallway Sex". This is where you pass each other is the hallway and say, "Fuck You!" There is also a fifth kind of sex: "Courtroom Sex". This is when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?" The second guy - speaking very s..l..o..w..l..y.. - tells the first guy, "I w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d." The first guy says in amazement, "Hey; you don't stutter any more." The answer comes, " Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r.. a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k.. s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r." The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married. "W..e..l..l m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I w..e..r..e s..i...t..t..i..n..g.. o..n h..e..r p..o...r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d s..h..e c..a..n d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y f..a..c..e.." "Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend. " W..e..l..l I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d.. a..t t..h..e d..o..g, h..e w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..l..l..s" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The following is a true story, as seen by millions of viewers on a Spanish T.V. Channel: [Surely someone must have an MPEG of this by now? - Ed.] The parents of a teenage girl decided to put their daughter's name forward for a Surprise Game Show - she idolised Teen-Age Pop Star "Ricky Martin", and they arranged for TV cameras to be placed throughout the house. The house was then left empty with Ricky Martin hidden in the wardrobe in the girl's bedroom all set to give the daughter a wonderful surprise. However, upon returning home from school and finding the house empty, the daughter made her way down to the kitchen where she opened the fridge and removed a tin of pate - at this stage the live TV audience is wondering what the hell is going on. She then went back upstairs to her bedroom where she proceeded to remove all her clothes and spread pate all over her triangle of womanhood. (At this stage Ricky Martin is still hidden inside the wardrobe, and half of Spain is seeing a young girl stark naked on the bed with pate all over her crotch). As if the parents were not shocked enough by this, the daughter then calls the family dog, who obediently trots up the stairs and settles down to his favourite meal of "pate on a bed of seaweed". At this stage the order is given to cut the broadcast, leaving a very embarassed set of parents in front of a live studio audience!! Consequently, sales of tinned pate have rocketed. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ While enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat, they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. Finally, the young bloke rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies. Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" "No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke. Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Top 10 Signs Your Child Has Grown Too Old For Breastfeeding: 10. He can open your blouse by himself. 9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other. 8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue. 7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt. 6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee. 5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine. 4. After each feeding, he has a smoke. 3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner. 2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to "Dueling Banjos." 1. Beard abrasions on areola. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Many years after Bill Clinton had been President of the United States a famous biographer was going to write Bill's life story. During the course of his interview he asked Bill, "What was your best and your worst decision during the Presidency". Bill rolled his eyes back in deep thought and then said, "Monica Lewinski! I'd have to say Monica was my best and my worst decision". "How could that be, Bill?", asked the surprised biographer. Bill smiled and then shook his head, "I'd have to say she was the both my best and my worst decision for the same reason." "That's odd. What was the reason for that?", said the biographer. Bill squirmed in his chair and answered, "Monica had a big mouth." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ NIKE CONDOMS JUST DO IT! TOYOTA CONDOMS OH! WHAT A FEELING FORD CONDOMS THE RIDE OF YOUR LIFE COCA-COLA CONDOMS THE REAL THING DURACELL CONDOMS KEEP GOING AND GOING AND GOING PRINGLES CONDOMS ONCE YOU POP, YOU CAN'T STOP NISSAN CONDOMS LIFE'S A JOURNEY, ENJOY THE RIDE STANDARD BANK CONDOMS WITH US YOU CAN GO SO MUCH FURTHER DAMPSEAL CONDOMS STOPS RISING DAMP IN ITS CRACKS MICATEX CONDOMS WITH MARBLE FOR STRENGTH AND MICA FOR STRETCH WILLARDS CONDOMS THAT'S GOOD TIMES YOKOHAMA CONDOMS SERIOUS RUBBER FNB CONDOMS WE'LL NEVER BE TOO BIG CGS CONDOMS BECAUSE ALL BALLS SHOULD BOUNCE DOMESTOS CONDOMS KILLS ALL KNOWN "SPERMS" DEAD PANADO CONDOMS THE GP'S CHOICE B&H CONDOMS SHARE THE FEELING CREMORA CONDOMS IT'S NOT INSIDE, IT'S ON TOP KELLOGGS CONDOMS GUESS WHO GOT IT ALL THIS MORNING CONTINENTAL CONDOMS GERMAN ENGINEERING WHERE YOU NEED IT MOST LUBNERS CONDOMS LUBNERS ARE THE GREATEST PPC CONDOMS OUR STRENGTH IS YOUR STRENGTH Diet Pepsi Condoms You got the right one, baby. Mentos Condoms The freshmaker. Macintosh Condoms It does more, it costs less, it's that simple. Ford Condoms The best never rest. Chevy Condoms Like a rock. California Lotto Condoms Who's next? Avis Condoms Trying harder than ever. KFC Condoms Finger-Licking Good. Campbells Soup Condoms Mm, mm good. General Electric Condoms We bring good things to life! AT&T Condoms Reach out and touch someone. Microsoft Condoms Where do you want to go today ? Energizer Condoms It keeps going and going and going.... M&M Condom It melts in your mouth, not in your hands! MCI Condoms For friends and family Double Mint Condoms Double your pleasure, double your fun! The Star Trek Condom To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before [...just as well I'm using Yokohamas! - Ed.] ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Great Things About Being A Gay Man... 1. You truly don't care who Julia Roberts is sleeping with. 2. You understand the difference between 43 brands of imported vodka. 3. You can call anyone "honey" including pets. 4. You know someone who definitely was in the emergency room with Richard Gere and the gerbil. 5. You understand the immense importance of good lighting. 6. You can be at a crowded disco the size of two football fields and still spot a toupee. 7. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit, and mean her bathing suit. 8. You can explain the nuances between steady date, boyfriend and lover. 9. You really have "been there, done that". 10. Your women friends will tell you everything you want to know about their boyfriends. And that means everything. 11. You're the only type of male who gets to say "fabulous". 12. You can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your home. 13. You can have naked men you don't know in your home. 14. You know how to handle the telephone like a Stradivarius. 15. You understand why the good Lord invented spandex. 16. You understand why the good Lord didn't intend everyone to wear it. 17. You know how to get back at just about everyone. 19. You only wear polyester when you mean to. 20. You can smile to let someone know you can't stand them. 21. You can freeze a troll from 20 feet away. 22. You're good pals with women other people can't stand. 23. You've always got an opinion. 24. You've read the book, seen the movie, done the musical. 25. You know how to dress strategically. 26. Your car has an amusing female name. 27. You're the only one at your high school reunion who looks a lot better than you did in high school. 28. You've got at least one framed picture of a pet. 29. If your mattress could talk, it would be Joan Rivers. 30. You know that sex complicates things. So? 31. You know that being called a "cheap slut" isn't actually an insult. 32. There's a married guy somewhere who is terrified of you. 33. Nobody tells you what to do in bed...unless you tell them what to tell you. 34. You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion. 35. You have at least one movie musical on video. 36. You're not embarrassed to sing in a piano bar. 37. You're embarrassed by people who sing in piano bars. 38. You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade or two. 39. You know how to make an entrance. 40. You know when to make an exit. 41. You worry about people you don't even know - like Liza Minnelli. 42. You choose the most fabulous greeting cards. 43. You know how to program your VCR. 44. You've got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level. 45. You have a cologne display worthy of Bloomingdales. 46. You understand, viscerally, Joan Crawford. 47. Some of your best friends are your ex lovers. 48. You know when to play dumb. 49. You know what to do for a hangover. 50. Yes, you do have a condom. 51. You've called someone "girlfriend" who is neither a girl nor a friend. 52. One or more of the following apply to you: a). You adore Judy Garland b) You hate Judy Garland c) You hate people who adore Judy Garland. d) You hate people who hate Judy Garland. e) You don't give a damn about Judy Garland. f) Who is Judy Garland? 53. You can supply the last names to the following list: a) Bernadette b) Chita c) Barbra 54. You made Donna Summer a star. 55. You made Donna Summer a has-been. 56. Tanning salons were invented for you. 57. You've made sunbathing a performance art. 58. You know when the party's over. 59. You know where to go after the party's over. 60. You're fearless about fighting the elements, especially gravity. 61. When you hear "a stitch in time saves nine" you think of a) Your grandma b) Your face lift c) John Wayne Bobbit 62. You know that pigs and bears are not necessarily rural wildlife. 63. Your roommate can be your roommate and not your "roommate". 64. You know that referring to someone as "a real lady" isn't necessarily a compliment. 65. Your favorite dinner accessory may also be your dinner companion. 66. You know that the most important part of a party's decor is the catering staff. 67. If your cat is a female, you swear it's a lesbian. 67. If your cat is a male, you swear it's a lesbian. 68. You sing along heartily with songs that make most females cringe, like "Stand by your man". 69. You've been to a bris, a barmitzvah, a christening, a first communion and too many weddings. You have a carefully considered evaluation of the food after each. 70. You'll never have to hear your mother complain about your wife. 71. A two-seater convertible seems perfectly practical to you. 72. You have a favorite Disney character and it's usually a nasty one. 73. You've left someone totally speechless. 74. You've shaved something other than your face. 75. All your friends do not have to "get along". 76. You have large collection of anniversary pictures. They may be with different guys, however. 77. Your love handles are actually used as such. 78. When someone turns his back on you, you actually consider it an opportunity. 79. You've got a large assortment of movie-star biographies. 80. You've got the most interesting coffee table books. 81. You know where to find a meat rack and it ain't in your kitchen drawer. 82. You have a sexual persuasion with its own flag. 83. At some moment in your life you've envisioned having back-up girls. 84. You know your enemies. 85. After a workout at the gym, you feel like a new man. And he's right there in the shower. 86. You're Barbra Streisand's biggest fan. 87. You know that Barbra Streisand's biggest fan is Barbra Streisand. 88. Not only have you added spice to your life - sometimes you've added side dishes. 89. You know that "small talk" can be about spirituality or politics, and "important issues" can be about hair. 90. You've actually lived out some of your fantasies. 91. Unlike most straight women, you have no problem being treated solely as a sex object. 92. You have no doubts about the accuracy of the Kinsey Report. 93. You know, by heart, every line in: a) All about Eve b) The Rocky Horror Picture Show c) Your face 94. You are ALWAYS ready for your close-up. 95. You have 412 ways to tell someone to get lost. 136 are non-verbal. 96. You can lip-sync to at least one Supremes song. 97. You have a carefully selected Yiddish vocabulary. 98. Even if you're in Kansas, you're not in Kansas anymore. 99. You know exactly how many martinis it takes. 100. When throwing a party, you know how to put out quite a spread. Sometimes after the party too. [I did NOT write this! I swear... - Ed.] ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A young blonde was telling her friend at a cocktail party that she was off men for life. "They lie, cheat, and they are no good. From now on, when I want sex I'll use my vibrator." "But what if the batteries run out? What will you do?" asked the friend. "Same as I do with my boy friend, I'll fake the orgasm." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Preamble: Today, Friday the 25th of June 1999 marks the nationwide public release (in ZA) of what is surely history's most anticipated movie prequel: Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace. [No prize for guessing where I'll be Friday night...] Thus, for your enjoyment (and perhaps to the dismay of others), we bombard you with a collection of Star Wars-related humour. We'll start off with (ironically enough)... ---------- 10 reasons not to see "The Phantom Menace." - - - - - - - - - - - - BY TOBY YOUNG May 14, 1999 | A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, the new "Star Wars" movie didn't suck. It was called "The Empire Strikes Back" (1980) and some critics -- Pauline Kael -- preferred it to the original. No such luck this time around. According to a few early reviews, "The Phantom Menace" is even worse than "Return of the Jedi" (1983). Nevertheless, industry analysts are still predicting it'll gross more than $100 million by the end of the Memorial Day weekend and eventually overtake "Titanic" to become the highest-grossing movie of all time. It's as if Obi-Wan Kenobi had performed a Vulcan mind trick on the entire population of the world. (Note to "Star Wars" fans: I know the correct term is "Jedi mind trick." I deliberately got it wrong to annoy you.) For those of you who haven't been completely enslaved by the media-industrial complex, here are 10 reasons not to see it. 1. The episodes are in the wrong order: Part I George Lucas is often praised as a master storyteller but what kind of storyteller begins with episodes four, five and six -- sorry, Episodes IV, V and VI -- then proceeds to Episodes I, II and III? Surely, on Page 1 of the storyteller's manual, it tells you to begin at the beginning. Of course, it's possible that the author of the storyteller's manual started straight in on the middle section on Page 1, but only an idiot would do that. The trouble with prequels is you know in advance how they're going to end. I hate to ruin this for you guys, but Anakin Skywalker turns into Darth Vader and, in Episode 6 -- sorry, Episode VI -- he dies. 2. The light sabre As a slightly backward 14-year-old, I was at least 10 years too old for "Star Wars" (1977) when it first came out. But I was still quite pleased when I discovered a toy light sabre in my Christmas stocking. My euphoria was short-lived. Even by poor merchandising standards, the light sabre left a lot to be desired. After inserting the batteries (which weren't included), you had to draw the curtains and turn out all the lights before it even remotely resembled the Jedi Knight's weapon of choice. Needless to say, the moment you engaged in any sort of duel, the light sabre crumpled like a blade of grass. Mine was broken by Boxing Day. Who should we hold responsible for this piece of junk? Step forward, George Lucas. In 1973, following the surprise box-office success of "American Graffiti," Lucas renegotiated his contract with 20th Century Fox, insisting that he retain both the sequel and merchandising rights to "The Star Wars," as it was then called. The rest, as they say, is hysteria. 3. Anakin Skywalker's hair OK, the "Star Wars," saga has never been strong on hair -- Princess Leia looks like she's wearing cinnamon roll ear muffs -- but the young Anakin Skywalker's locks are truly revolting. It's one of those sissy, just-washed helmets that no self-respecting kid would tolerate for a second, even on the planet Tattooine. 4. George Lucas is a capitalist running dog According to Peter Biskind in "Easy Riders, Raging Bulls," a woman who worked on "Raiders of the Lost Ark" (1981) told Lucas her favorite film of his was "THX 1138" (1971). He gave her a puzzled look and said, "But it didn't make any money." Like many children of the counterculture, Lucas has become an arch-capitalist. It's estimated that he made more than $3 billion in licensing fees from the original "Star Wars" trilogy. So far, he's already pocketed $1 billion in tie-in rights for "The Phantom Menace" and negotiated a promotional deal between Lucasfilm and Pepsico worth $2 billion. Does each of us really need to enrich him further by paying up to $9.50 apiece to see the wretched thing? 5. No Harrison Ford Harrison Ford was by far the best thing in the original "Star Wars" trilogy and he isn't in "The Phantom Menace." According to Biskind, he was one of the few people involved bold enough to stand up to the tyrannical Lucas. "George, you can type this shit," he told the director on the set of "Star Wars," "but you sure can't say it." 6. It's not the "Special Edition" In 1997, Lucas re-released the original "Star Wars" trilogy, adding a few minutes to each film and calling each a "Special Edition." If we wait 20 years, perhaps he'll authorize a "Special Edition" of "The Phantom Menace." It would be a pity to ruin our experience of that masterpiece by seeing the current, inferior version. (Film historians please note: "Star Wars: Episode IV: A New Hope: The Special Edition" (1997) was the first movie ever to be released with three colons in its title.) 7. George Lucas is an opportunistic hack Here is a list of Lucas' less-distinguished credits culled from the Internet Movie Database: Executive producer: "The Ewok Adventure" (TV movie, 1984), "Ewoks: The Battle for Endor" (TV movie, 1985), "Droids: The Adventures of R2D2 and CP30" (TV series, 1985), "Ewoks and Droids: Adventure Hour" (TV series, 1986), "Captain Eo" (1986), "Howard The Duck" (1986). Writer: "More American Graffiti," aka "Purple Haze" (1979). Producer: "Jurassic Park 3" (2000). 8. Jar Jar Binks According to Sam I Am, a fan who sneaked into an exhibitors screening and posted a review on the Ain't It Cool News Web site, the character of Jar Jar Binks is like "all the Ewoks rolled into one." Does this mean we can look forward to "The Jar Jar Binks Adventure"? 9. The episodes are in the wrong order: Part II Once the saga is complete and the episodes can finally be seen in their correct order, the special effects in Episodes IV, V and VI will look much less sophisticated than those in Episodes I, II and III. This will look very peculiar. In fact, it will be perfectly obvious to even the most dim-witted 4-year-old that the middle section in the saga was made before the first section. 10. George Lucas is evil Back in the mid-1970s, Lucas was a promising young independent filmmaker who made a conscious decision to make a commercial, mainstream film. After screening "Star Wars" for the first time, Lucas described it as a cross between "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" (1971) and "The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes" (1970). "I'm going to make five times as much money as Francis on these science-fiction toys and I won't have to make 'The Godfather,'" he boasted to cult filmmaker John Milius. "I've made what I consider the most conventional kind of movie I can possibly make." In short, Lucas chose the Dark Side of the Force. It wouldn't have mattered if "Star Wars" had tanked, but its record-breaking success steered Hollywood toward the Dark Side as well: Without "Star Wars," we wouldn't have had "Armageddon" (1998). "'Star Wars' swept all the chips off the table," William Friedkin told Peter Biskind. "What happened with 'Star Wars' was like when McDonald's got a foothold, the taste for good food just disappeared." George Lucas is Darth Vader. But it's not too late to fight back. A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, a small rebel force managed to blow up the Death Star. Let's start by exorcising "The Phantom Menace." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Rating the Star Wars villains, by L. Fitzgerald Sjöberg Darth Vader There's nothing to say. Darth is it. He's the 800-pound gorilla of the Force, Mister Lightsaber himself, the Dark Lord of the Sith. He's got the Admiral-choking power, the kick-ass mask, the intimidating rasp, the jet-black TIE fighter, and the James Earl Jones voiceovers. I don't care what Obi-Wan says, this is a man who made some good career choices. A+ Grand Moff Tarkin It's hard to take a villain seriously when he has "Moff" in his title. Tarkin was nasty enough with his deeply etched scowl and his Aryan stride, and obviously he had enough going for him that Vader didn't give him the old long-distance esophagus handjob, but when the chips were down and Red Five was going in, he made the Bad Choice. Vader cleverly managed to survive the destruction of the Death Star and still come out looking like a total stud, but El Moff Grande just ended up as the third cinder from the left in the upper right hand corner of your screen. C Stormtroopers "Only Imperial Stormtroopers are so precise," said Obi-Wan in one of his less stunningly accurate pronouncements. Obi must have gotten a little too much sun during his Tattooine holiday, because as the rest of the movie shows Imperial Stormtroopers couldn't hit the sidewalk with a can of paint. If that's not bad enough, they're also easily intimidated and dumber than monkey chow. Still, they've got nifty uniforms and there's buttloads of them, so they make excellent fodder for the good guys. B- Boba Fett Another from the mask-and-armor school of villainy, Boba Fett had a lot going for him. Not only did he pack lots of cool gadgets like grappling hooks and a jet pack, he also had the wherewithal to track down Han Solo. Fett was the only one who didn't fall for the old "drift away with their garbage" trick, and thanks to that he was the one to deliver the Hansicle to Jabba and stick around for the party. Unfortunately now he's doing the new definition of pain and suffering thing in the Sarlacc pit. B Jabba the Hutt "Hutt" is right up there with "Moff" in the list of "words it's best not to have in your name if you want to be intimidating." Jabba actually lacks a lot of qualities necessary to be a really first-rate bad guy. Mobility is one of them. Lack of resemblance to escargot is another. He's got some mean pets and interesting ideas for torture, but he's really too party-oriented to make it as a villain. I mean, could you take out Vader using only a length of chain while wearing a metal bikini? I think not. C Sandpeople I was never able to figure out whether "Tusken Raiders" referred to the fact that they had little tusk-like thingies on their masks, or if they were from a town called Tusken or what. They were mean, though, with the scary faces and the rags for clothes and the Gaffi sticks with the spikes on the end and the big furry elephants to stomp the unassuming homes of hapless moisture farmers. But then, all you have to do is learn to make that noise that Ben Kenobi made and they're off like rabbits, even in mid-clobber, which kind of cuts down on their effectiveness. C+ ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Part 1: Diagnosing a "Redneck" Jedi Rednecks are not just a local blight--they're a menace to the entire universe. One potential example is Luke Skywalker, who must have been a redneck because he fell in love with his sister, Leia. Obviously, the universe is a big place and Luke couldn't have been the only redneck Jedi Knight! So--as a public service--if you suspect that the local Jedi on your planet is a redneck, here are a few dead give-aways. . .. Your Local Jedi might be a Redneck if: At least one wing of his X-Wing is Bondo colored. There is a blaster rack in the back of his landspeeder. He can easily describe the taste of a bantha. . .without using the word "chicken." He can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks. He can levitate himself using a force from within, without resorting to THE force. His master has ever asked your children: "Now my finger you will pull, mmmmmm?" He observes that the worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the "dadgum skeeters." Wookies are offended by his B.O. He has ever used the force to get himself another beer so he didn't have to wait for a commercial. You've ever heard his father holler: "Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side...it'll be a hoot." The moonshine still he built on Endor is hidden so well that even the Ewoks can't find it. He has a stuffed womp rat anywhere in his home. More than half the droids he owns don't function. He's ever used Jedi mind control to talk his way out of a speeding ticket or DUI. He's ever strangled someone with the force because they laughed at his accent. He's ever wrecked a landspeeder while trying to light a cigarette with a lightsaber. He doesn't think that Jabba's pig guards have a hygiene problem. The Rancor monster refused to eat him. . .twice. Part 2: You ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all." Your Jedi robe is camouflage. You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light. At least one wing of your X-Wing fighter is primer colored. You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok. You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. Wookies are offended by your B.O. You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial. You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling. Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot." You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up. You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder. You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts. You have the doors of your X-wing fighter welded shut and you have to get in through the window. Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women. You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca. You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck. You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene. If you hear Darth Vader say, "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Darth Vader's Diary from Bananas #63 TUESDAY Dear Diary: Well, I've done it at last. I sent in my application to the computer dating service. It shouldn't be too hard to match me up with someone. I'm a pretty normal guy. I'm only worried with my answer to one question. For "Hobbies," I put down "destroying civilization as we know it." I hope, dear diary, that they won't think I'm bragging. THREE WEEKS LATER Still no word from the dating service. I can't understand it. But I think I'll get a date soon. They seemed very cooperative after I threatened to reduce their building and everyone it in to a charred, smoking mass. FRIDAY I called my computer date tonight. Her mother answered the phone. She didn't get my name, but she must have known who I was because I heard her yell "Helen, ya got a heavy breather on the phone here!" We're all set for tomorrow night. I'll pick her up at 7:30. I'm so excited! I wonder if she enjoys setting fire to small planets as much as I do. SATURDAY What an evening! When Helen, my date, answered the door and saw me for the first time, she went pale with delight and her knees went weak. Then she came to. She said she'd asked the dating service for someone tall, dark, and with an air of mystery, but that this was ridiculous! I wonder, dear diary, what she meant? She went to get her sweater, and I chatted with her parents. I didn't like her dad much, so I vaporized him. Helen's mom didn't have much to say. She just made a few gurgling sounds. I said it had been a pleasure meeting her, and left the house with her daughter. 8:00 PM I asked Helen where she wanted to go. She suggested a movie. But after I choked her a little, she decided that a raiding party would be much more fun. Diary, she's so cute when she's blue and gasping! Well, dear diary, we took off in my space probe, and I must say, Helen is a good sport. When I hit hyperspace without telling her first, she was only a little sick. Those cracked ribs will be fine in a couple weeks, too, so no hard feelings. 8:30 PM I took her to my favorite restaurant. Helen was a little overwhelmed by the ritzy atmosphere of the place. So I took great pains to introduce her to all my friends as they flopped, slithered, flew, and rolled over to our table. She was speechless with gratitude. In fact, she was so excited that she couldn't eat a thing - even when I offered to kill it first. 10:00 PM After supper, dear diary, I cut loose and showed Helen what a really good time is. I must have laid waste to at least 30 thriving civilizations throughout the galaxy! What a blast! 12:00 MIDNIGHT Helen didn't say much on the way home, dear diary, but I think I knew how she felt. She kept staring deep into my vents and saying "I don't believe this!" over and over again. What a gal! When we said good night at her place, I thought about giving her a good-night kiss. But I felt it was too soon to risk electrocuting her yet. We shook hands. Hers were shaking a lot. I'll never forget her parting words, dear diary. She said, "Thanks, Bart. See you around." I told her my name was Darth. "Right," she said. "Anything you say." I told her I'd call again soon. And I promised that next time we'd play "Pop Goes the Planet." Funny, dear diary, but she didn't seem too enthusiastic. She just put her hand over her mouth, ran inside, and slammed the door. ONE MONTH LATER I've called and called, but Helen never seems to be at home. In fact, her phone number must have changed 15 times! This last time, the telephone operator told me that Helen left a message that she'd moved to a different universe. Was it something I said? ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ TOP TEN FAVORITE MUSIC GROUPS OF THE STAR WARS UNIVERSE... 10. Storm Temple Troopers 9. Smashing Ewoks 8. Jabba Jam 7. Porno for Yoda 6. Vader by Nature 5. 4 Non Jedis 4. Emperor's Melon 3. The Alluvial Nappers 2. George the Wet Sprocket 1. Carbon and the Freezers ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The Top 15 "Star Wars" Euphemisms for Masturbation 15. Shooting Womprats in Beggar's Canyon 14. Grooming the Wookie 13. Making the Kessel Run 12. Polishing Vader's Helmet 11. Evacuating Tatooine 10. Unsheathing the Meatsaber 9. Releasing the Special Edition 8. Jumping to Delight Speed 7. Communicating with Red Leader One 6. Lightsaber Practice with Captain Solo 5. Tinkering With the R2 Unit 4. Manually Targeting the Rebel Base 3. Performing the Jedi Hand Trick 2. Scratching Yoda Behind the Ears and the Number 1 "Star Wars" Euphemism for Masturbation... 1. Test Firing the Death Star ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ TOP 21 LINES FROM THE STAR WARS TRILOGY THAT CAN BE IMPROVED IF YOU SUBSTITUE "UNDERPANTS" FOR KEY WORDS: 21. Lando Calrissian: "We've got to be able to get some reading on those underpants, up or down!" 20. Han Solo: "The underpants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts!" 19. Darth Vader: "I find your lack of underpants disturbing..." 18. Admiral Motti: "These underpants contain the Ultimate Power in the Universe. I suggest we use it." 17. Lando Calrissian: "Han will have those underpants down. We've got to give him more time!" 16. Darth Vader: "General Veers, prepare your underpants for a ground assault." 15. Luke Skywalker: "I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my underpants back home." 14. Imperial Mook: "TK-421... Why aren't you in your underpants?" 13. Han Solo: "Lock the door. And hope they don't have underpants." 12. Darth Vader: "You are unwise to lower your underpants!" 11. Darth Vader: "She must have hidden the plans in her underpants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander." 10. Princess Leia: "Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul underpants when I was brought on board." 9. Han Solo: "You look strong enough to pull the underpants off a Gundark." 8. Darth Vader/Anakin Skywalker: "Luke... Help me... take my....underpants off..." 7. Han Solo: "Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your underpants." 6. Lando Calrissian: "That blast came from those underpants. That thing's operational!" 5. Darth Vader: "A tremor in my underpants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master." 4. Han Solo: "Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of underpants more heavily guarded than this." 3. Han Solo: "Maybe you'd like it back in your underpants, Your Highness." 2. Darth Vader: "Your underpants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially for...your Sister!" And The #1 Line from the Star Wars Trilogy That Can Be Improved If You Substitute "Underpants" for Certain Key Words... 1. Greedo: "Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their underpants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Everything I've ever needed to know, I learned from Star Wars: This list taken mainly from a list compiled by Simon H. Lee from posts to the newsgroup Rec.arts.sf.starwars.misc. Additional entries were sent by e-mail to the author. Contributors are [not] listed at the end. 1. Never trust men in dark helmets. 2. It really isn't necessary to be fluent in over 6 million forms of communication. 3. Know the difference between a power socket and a computer terminal. 4. Never declare that there is "nothing to stop [you] this time." 5. If your vehicle is being rammed, ducking doesn't help much 6. Get some travel information before heading off to a place that you have never even heard of. 7. When all else fails....jump! 8. Sometimes, you've just gotta do something that seems totally suicidal. 9. If you are a young hero, nothing can kill you. 10. Always check the background of people you want to get intimately involved with, they may be your relatives. 11. You may have family members in surprisingly high positions. 12. Before you kill someone make sure they aren't your father. 13. Watch out for Corellian freighters diving out of the sun. 14. If you're ever in a space craft, watch out for potatoes. 15. THIS one goes here, THAT one goes there! 16. "Try not. Do or do not. There is no try." 17. "Mind what you have learned, save you it can." 18. No matter how tasty that hunk of meat looks on that pole on that forest moon, don't grab it; it's probably a trap. 19. Cute, cuddly, widdle teddy bears usually will eat you alive unless they think you're a god. 20. When you're aproaching your enemies hide-out, try to prepare you weapons before you come into range. 21. Never stand on a trapdoor leading to a Rancor pit. 22. No disintegrations. 23. If you're running from the law, hide in a building and lock the door. They may decide to move on to the next one. Otherwise, hope they don't have blasters. 24. If it's, like, -50 degrees out, and the doors are going to close, come in out of the cold. The meteor will still be there tomorrow. 25. After you kill the monster in the ice cave, stay in there; it's cold out. 26. Take a good look around for bad guys before looking into your binoculars. 27. Don't assume a senior citizen is weak and frail; they may zap you with lightning bolts. 28. Never, never, never underestimate the power of the Dark Side 29. You will find many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view 30. No matter how deeply one falls into darkness, there is always hope for redemption 31. Just when you think there is no more hope, alas, there is one more. 32. Scoundrels kiss better than nice guys. 33. Never call someone "scruffy looking" 34. Be careful of your overconfidence, it may really be your weakness 35. Never judge a "piece of junk" spaceship from the outside. More often than not, "she's got it where it counts." 36. Your eyes deceive you, don't trust them. 37. The Bad Guys can't hit the broad side of a barn. 38. But, "Only Imperial Storm Troopers are so precise" 39. Beware of judging someone else's beliefs as just a "hokey religion." You just may end up eating those words. 40. Never buy anything from a short, hooded, smelly guy. 41. Never judge anything by its size. 42. There are those who are less forgiving than Darth Vader. 43. Always let a Wookiee win. 44. Never cast your lightsaber away, you just might need it 45. It not a good idea to follow up on a vision while meditating 46. Nothing is ever to small to get away from you 47. Whining about something never helps 48. Taking your droids to a bar will only arouse suspision 49. As will cutting somebodies arm off 50. Don't attempt to handcuff someone larger than you 51. It is not always neccessary to ignore the annoying 52. Always pay off your debts in a hurry 53. If your in it just for the money, you might blow your chances with the princess 54. It is pointless to argue with family members 55. In negotiations, a thermal detonator can come in handy 56. Be cautious of "friends" offering refreshments 57. If some yells out "It's a trap!" then believe them 58. DON'T go in any CAVES! 59. Watch your hands when swordfighting. 60. Short green guys with big ears can be more than they seem. 61. Wading around in a pool of garbage is infinitely more preferable to getting killed. 62. Electricity really *hurts*. 63. The most important part of your spaceship is the hyperdrive. 64. Maybe we SHOULD listen to the protocol droid just this once... 65. Pay your debts on time, you can't always kill the bill collector. 66. Walk in single file to hide your numbers. 67. When buying used appliances make sure they've been totally mind wiped... er... reconditioned. 68. When wearing stormtrooper armor, remember to make sure the door's completely open before going through it. 69. Trust yourself. 70. Never tell someone the odds! 71. Never allow yourself to become as clumsy as you are stupid. 72. It's not wise to upset a Wookiee 73. Always accept apologies. 74. Sometimes it's better to fly into an asteroid field. 75. Hokey religions just might be a good substitute for a blaster at your side 76. Never let your friend know if you're having problems with your droid. 77. Never assume that carbon freezing someone is "all too easy". 78. Never tell strange creatures in a bar that you'll be careful. 79. Just when you think you're ready, you hit your head. 80. When you protest about the terms of an agreement, the terms might be altered further. 81. You never know what a day is gonna bring.... 82. When in doubt, follow the garbage 83. Size matters not 84. Even if it's a great shot, don't get cocky. 85. Don't intimidate, annoy, or otherwise molest any old man who has what appears to be a flashlight hanging from his waist. 86. Never build a secret base without a redundant power supply 87. Be prepared for things to go wrong 88. Never let a protocol droid try to fix your ship!!!! 89. Never trust a strange computer. 90. You'll always have a bad feeling about somethiing 91. Don't park in asteroids 92. Bacta cures all 93. Don't try to make friends via the Death Star com-link 94. Never proclaim your "moment of triumph" before it actually happens 95. If "the Force is strong in this one" and you're not, BACK OFF! 96. The targeting computer is really a worthless piece of junk compared to the Force 97. The Dark Side is never irrevocable 98. Never say "watch this" when dealing with a hyperdrive 99. Always change the negative power coupling before going on long space voyages. 100. Remember to TURN ON YOUR COMLINK!!!! 101. Make sure to tell your lover that you have a brother first. 102. Never tell a teacher who's been teaching for 800 years who to teach and who not to teach. 103. "It's not my fault!!!" 104. Don't ever fake left, you'll lose a hand 105. If you want to keep your friends warm, shove them inside a dead animal!! 106. Never leave tools hanging over a friends head unless the ship is parked. 107. If a droid sneaks up on you while you're kissing a princess, ignore him. 108. When parking your spaceship in a cave, make sure you aren't in the stomach of a huge monster. 109. If all else fails, angle the deflector shields. 110. Never buy droids. 111. If you ever buy droids, make sure they have a good motivator 112. If you really have to buy one, then do NOT remove his restraining bolt 113. Guys in black are bad guys 114. Guys in white can also be bad guys 115. Beware of transparent or holographic persons, they will always cause you trouble 116. Don't shoot out the controls to a bridge BEFORE you cross the bridge 117. Watch out for those trees. 118. After toppling an altrustic democracy, seizing control of the military, and establishing yourself as supreme dictator, it's a good idea to invest in helmets that your troops can see through. 119. Always duck after throwing someone down a ventilation shaft. 120. If you run a military academy, go over how to deal with small, furry opponents. 121. Don't jump down garbage chutes. 122. If your father's clothes creak when he walks, be diplomatic in his presence. 123. Don't engage in physical displays of affection with tall, hairy people who could rip you limb from limb and who get over-enthusiastic. 124. The hard part of a jail-break is getting out; plan for it. 125. Always look for trap doors when consulting with a crime lord in his own house. 126. Whining about power converters makes you look like an idiot. 127. Don't trust people who brag about the speed of their vehicle to be subtle, and don't trust them with your sister, either. 128. If you teach out of a swamp, you can't expect too much in the way of tuition. 129. People who are "more machine now than human, evil and twisted" set a pretty sparse table. 130. If you're idea of penetrating the enemy's defenses is allowing yourself to be captured and attacking during your execution, you should probably seek the advice of someone who's survived longer. 131. If somebody cuts your hand off, don't trust him to betray his boss for you. 132. Young men should be wary of getting involved with crazy, old hermits who like to be called "Master." 133. Dead animals usually smell worse on the INSIDE 134. If you find Banthas, don't stick around to see where their riders are. 135. Cold weather can cause one to hallucinate. 136. Don't go chasing falling meteors. 137. Make sure you always see where your enemies hands are. 138. Blowing on a torch will not put it out. 139. Don't stick around to watch a fight 140. Droids don't taste good. 141. No matter how protected you are, falling rocks will still hurt. 142. When following a roguish space pirate into the east corridor (or wherever), step onto a plank when he stops to listen to you so you'll be a little taller. 143. Never trust strangers to fix the hyperdrive on your freighter. 144. Never assume that that ship you just tractored into your space station is empty, just because your sensors say so. 145. When the people around you are getting shot, it's usually an indication that the guys shooting are enemies. 146. Never try to rationalize strategy with an Ewok. Next thing you know, they'll steal a speeder bike. Sure, it distracts the guards, but it takes away from you sneaking in real quiet-like. 147. Never chain a rebel to you and then take your eyes off her; she may throttle you. 148. Aim your crippled fighter at the nearest Super Star Destroyer's bridge. 149. Never assume responsibility if it means you're likely to be choked to death. 150. Don't talk to strangers in a dark room: they may have blasters, and are looking to not be found. 151. Pray Lord Vader doesn't alter a deal any further than he already has. Chances are he will, but arguing is a good way to get you killed. 152. When your Tauntaun smells something, it's usually a good time to high-tail it outta there. 153. Always convince your astromech droid to not try to restraining green senior citizens with big ears; they may start banging on you with their Gimer stick. 154. When someone says they knew your father was a great warrior, it usually means something important. 155. Always allow your opponent to cut you down if it means making things more dramatic. 156. When a friend gets cut down, instead of standing around screaming. Try blasting something... like a door. 157. Don't turn your back on the parent of the kid you're zapping with lightning bolts. 158. If the guy you love announces he's leaving, don't say something like "That's right." 159. Make sure you aren't so fat you can't get away from an exploding Sail Barge. 160. If your translator droid pisses you off, just plug him into the hyperdrive. Either that or just shut him off. 161. Try not to fly side-by-side when flying through a narrow passage. 162. If you've got a malfunction you can't do much good to anyone, so clear out of the attack on that giant space station. 163. When someone tells you to eject, it's probably a good idea. 164. Don't ever leave without giving a goodbye kiss! 165. Let go of your conscious self and rely on instinct! 166. If a Jedi offers you a bargain, TAKE IT!! 167. You shouldn't always listen to your parents. 168. Sometimes it is smart to listen to little green Muppets. 169. You really should fire on lifepods whether there are signs of life or not (to stormtroopers only). 170. When you say that you are "ready for anything," actually be ready for anything. 171. If your ship is bigger than a city, don't bring it into an asteroid field. 172. Don't give into your anger. 173. Grasping at your throat will not stop the choking. 174. Freezing people in liquid carbonite makes a good wall decoration. 175. Never torture a power droid... 176. You should always have a co-pilot that speaks a language that only you understand. 177. Don't taunt those on the Dark Side of the Force. 178. Sometimes it is better not to apologize or take the blame. 179. Make sure that you can see clearly before firing a blaster. 180. When pulled over by authorities, simply say, "You don't need to see his identification. These aren't the droids you're looking for. Move along." 181. If you ever build a throne room, Never put a great big shaft right in the center of the room. 182. Never make your droids or your sister do your dirty work!!! 183. "A party of two can be very effective in chasing down a squad of stormtroopers." 184. When you are told to close the blast doors, DON'T DO IT!" 185. "Away put your weapon, I mean you no harm." 186. When rescuing someone formulate an escape plan _before_ you attempt the rescue. 187. No reward is worth rescuing a girl, princess or not, who leads you into garbage and calls your best friend and first mate a "walking carpet". 188. If you have the money, stop telling Jabba and just pay him 189. Never accept a job that reports directly to Darth Vader 190. Armor just makes you easier to hit 191. Get in that garbage chute, flyboy! 192. Buying someone a drink won't stop them from trying to fight you 193. Don't judge someone by their bad grammer 194. An entire planet could have only one climate (Tatooine, Hoth, Endor) 195. Beware of tremors in the Force 196. Protocol droids are lousy story tellers 197. Apparently just a few humans would be able to feed an entire tribe of Ewoks 198. It's difficult to send a clear transmission in an asteroid field 199. When travelling at intense speeds, don't turn around and look behind you 200. A lightsaber can cut through anything (from Taun-taun to AT-AT) 201. Even in a galaxy far, far away... Tupperware is still being used. 202. Try not to get caught under the legs of an AT-AT 203. Imperial probe droids have a self destruct mechanism 204. If you do not believe, you will always fail 205. Tennis shoes make great fighting ships 206. Stormtroopers seem to have inferior training and armor 207. Everything has a weakness, it's just a matter of exploiting it o Emperor - overconfident o Luke - friends o Death Star - thermal exhaust port o Stormtroppers - Ewoks o Star Destoyers - bridge deflector shields o Darth Vader - compassion for his kids o Leia - smugglers o Chewie - dead animals hanging from trees o Threepio - frail body 208. When flying objects come at you from behind, for pete's sake, DUCK!!!!!! 209. When stealing a skiff, Make sure it's the one with the magnetic thingies on the bottom!!! 210. If you are ever in a duel, and you get in a tight spot, grab the nearest pipe and blow smoke in their face --- never fails. 211. Learn Ubese, you never know when you might need it!!!! 212. Never try to put binders on someone who is 7'2", big, furry and has big teeth without asking for permission first!!! 213. If you get an unwanted phone call, shoot the phone. 214. If you build a Death Star and some farm boy blows it up, just build a new one with less defences 215. If you see a small blue elephant at a party, you haven't necessarily drunk too much. 216. Watch out for stormtroopers that are a little short. 217. Your Tauntaun'll freeze before you reach the first marker. 218. The middle of a raging battle for the fate of the galaxy is no time for heroics. 219. A ill-trained, uncoordinated, rabble with obselete ships and weapons would always beat well equipped, superbly trained and numerically superior forces :) 220. Boys from backwater farming planets are better shots then imperial stormtroopers. 221. When 900 years old you reach, look as good you will not. 222. Beware those heart-to-heart talks with Dad. One of you might end up losing an appendage. 223. White and black don't make good camoflage if you're in a forest. 224. But if you have good camoflage no one will see the big reflective gold droid you brought along. 225. Adventure, excitement, a jedi craves not these things! 226. Try not to look to the future, keep your mind on where you are and what you are doing. 227. Don't ever give any lip to an old man who has yellow eyes and shoots lightning out of his own body. 228. Never say to someone, "where are you taking this---THING---?" because the next thing you know, you're flying across the room. 229. Stay on target!!!! 230. Keep your distance, but don't LOOK like you're trying to keep your distance. (In other words, fly casual.) 231. When purchasing a protocol droid, remember, at some point some assembly may be required. 232. When based on an ice planet, don't turn on the thermal heaters. 233. Never travel the Jundland Wastes lightly 234. Never listen to your squad commander when he tells you to 'stay on target' and Darth vader is chasing you in a TIE fighter 235. Always follow the advice of an aide with long sideburns 236. Make sure your first catch of the day isn't backed up by a really big ion cannon. 237. Don't be thinking about your sister during a big fight with Dad. 238. Make sure your rocket pack isn't set to go off at the slightest touch before leaping into battle. 239. When you're with a woman you like, never get too obnoxious, or she'll french the next nearest guy (even if it's her brother). 240. No matter how cool a guy's helmet looks, push him off a high place and he'll scream like a girl. 241. Travel through hyperspace ain't like dusting crops. 242. Bury your feelings deep. (They do you credit, but they could be made to serve the Emperor.) 243. Your insight serves you well. 244. Try to keep a little optimism--especially if you're endangering a mission that you shouldn't have come on. 245. Just "hold on" when your pilot tells you to. (Dak didn't hold on. Look what happened to him!) 246. Remember, your strength *flows* from the Force. 247. Once you start down the Dark Path, forever will it dominate your destiny. 248. You can't escape your destiny 249. If you buy equipment out of the back of a guy's vehicle, chances are, someone will come looking for it. 250. Cool costume + Bare minimum of screen time = Eternal popularity 251. The only thing worse than working for a Hutt crimelord is working for a Dark Lord of the Sith. 252. When rescuing a princess, insist on payment in advance. 253. When chasing X-wings down trenches, look behind you in case their friends help them. 254. When a Wookiee says he smells something scary, believe him. 255. Fly only ships that have harpoon cable shooters in the front 256. Be sure your ship uses "quick release" seat belts 257. Fly only X-wings that float in case you land in a swamp 258. Leave the spying to Bothans 259. Old Jedi never die, they just fade away. 260. Never scream when a friend evaporates, and you're trying to secretly make it back to a smugglers ship. 261. You must do what you feel is right. 262. Watch that crossfire, boys!!! 263. If you're a droid cross fire can't hit you unless it is a dramatic moment. 264. Always get them to put their hands ON the table . . . . 265. Go to the escape shuttle when told that "The attack plan has been analysed, and there is a risk". 266. Smuggling compartments can also be great sub-lets 267. Patience... you must have Patience! 268. Sticks and Stones WILL Break your bones. 269. If you ever fall into a murky swamp with strange things swimming in it, make sure you're made of metal, it doesn't taste good 270. Remember to keep the lead actress's character and real name straight!! 271. When attemptng to launch a rock by twirling it over your head, then leasing it, be sure you know how to do it right. 272. Those robot mice are pests. Trap them in mousetraps and save yourself the hassle. Bits and bytes make good bait. 273. Don't try storming an Imperial base unless all of the troopers have been accounted for. 274. Don't argue with your friends when they tell you to get into an escape pod. 275. Don't use targeting computers; rely on the voice of an old man inside our head. 276. When fighting a Corellian, 10 to 1 odds aren't in your favour 277. Fire on a rebel base *before* they blow up your space station. 278. If all else fails, drive headlong into an asteroid field. 279. When your shield generator is hit, intensify forward batteries a.s.a.p.: you never know when a ship may crash into your bridge. 280. A protocol droid who say's he's not much of a storyteller is a liar. (remember C-3PO in ANH when he's in the oil bath, then in the Ewok village in ROTJ) 281. Humans roasted over an open fire make for great feasts. 282. You should always listen to a Jedi master when they tell you something; they probably know what they are talking about. 283. Corollary to above--Even Jedi can make mistakes sometimes. 284. Pass on what you have learned 285. If you want someone done right, terminate her yourself. 286. It is impossible for a computer to hit a target that is only two meters wide. 287. Even if your walker looks exactly like all the rest, the Ewoks won't kill you. 288. It's a good idea to make death stars out of the same "magnetically shielded" walls in the garbage compactor. 289. If you're struck down now, you'll only become more powerful than can possibly be imagined! 290. Enter the trench as close to the target as possible! Don't fly all the way around shooting it out! 291. You dont need tools to fix a protocol droid that has been blasted to pieces. 292. Take an R-2 unit with you...its better than any Swiss army knife. 293. Shoot the barge at point blank while you are standing on it...don't use the force to pull the trigger. 294. Never buy droids from Jawas 295. He's no good to you dead. 296. Everyone "could use a good kiss!" 297. Don't enter strange rooms just because you hear a familiar voice...you could end up in pieces. 298. There isn't always time to discuss things in a committee. 299. Never let Wookies fix your ship when you're getting ready to leave. 300. Sometimes all it takes is one little skull-and a jedi-to bring down a rancor. and finally the most important ones....we all wish we could have lived "A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away." Never underestimate the power of a Star Wars fan...finally.... The force will be with you, always. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ STAR WARS CANTINA by Mark Davis (to the tune of Barry Manilow's "Copa Cabana")1 Her name is Leia, she was a princess With a danish on each ear, and Darth Vader drawing near So R2D2 found Ben Kenobi And he had to get the plans into the Rebellions hands So Luke and Obi-Wan had to get to Alderaan So they stepped into Mos Eisley to have a drink with Han CHORUS: At the Star Wars, Star Wars Cantina The weirdest creatures you've ever seen-a At the Star Wars, Star Wars Cantina Music and blasters and old Jedi masters At the Star Wars Cantina His name is Solo, he was a pilot With a blaster at his side, and a smile 12 parsecs wide He knew Chewbacca, he was a Wookie And he spoke with Obi-Wan about the Millenium Falcon Docking bay 94, stormtroopers at the door With a flash of Ben's lightsaber, there's an arm on the floor! CHORUS His name is Yoda, he was a Muppet Darth Vader was so bad (Oh, by the way, he's Lukes dad) Luke kissed his sister, his hand got cut off In that galaxy far, far 'way, Luke has had a lousy day Boba Fett was so mean, Jabba had bad hygiene Why couldn't they all just relax back on Tattooine CHORUS ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ "Top Ten Sexually Tilted Lines in the Movie Star Wars" 1. 'She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid.' 2. 'Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!' 3. 'Look at the size of that thing!' 4. 'Sorry about the mess...' 5. 'You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.' 6. 'Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?' 7. 'You've got something jammed in here real good.' 8. 'Put that thing away before you get us all killed!' 9. 'Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?' 10. 'Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care WHAT you smell!'" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ This is rumoured to be Ewan McGregor's opening speech in Star Wars Episode 1: ===================================================== "Choose the force. Choose a side, choose a Jedi knight, choose a teacher, choose a fucking big death star, choose star destroyers, blasters, tie-fighters and a light sabre. Choose a black suit, black helmet and boots. Choose a loan from Jabba the Hut. Choose a philosophy. Choose an Emperor. Choose a planet with matching moon. Choose a three planet system in the Dromoda system and fucking enslave them. Choose the Rebels and wondering why the fuck you are kneeling by the Emperor on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting next to that Emperor watching whole planets being enslaved in mind-controlling, force-crushing battles, stuffing fucking replacement parts into your body. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, fucking your last in a miserable death star, nothing more than a dictator to the selfish, evil fucked up brats who fight for you. Choose a future. Choose the Force. I chose not to choose the Force. I chose something else... I chose...The Dark Side." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ JUST A FEW OF THE REASONS WHY STAR WARS IS BETTER THAN REAL LIFE: 1. In real life, people drive "the Pacer", "the Pinto", and "the Station Wagon"; In Star Wars, people drive "Speeder Bikes", "X-wing fighters", and "the Millenium Falcon." 2. In real life, bar fights with strange looking people are often looked at as bad and sinful; In Star Wars, bar fights with strange looking creatures is heroic and the way of the just Jedi Knight. 3. In real life, people that talk to small fuzzy creatures are called crazy; In Star Wars, people that talk to small fuzzy creatures are called galactic ambassadors. 4. In real life, people who dress up in tight plastic/leather outfits are considered tacky and queer; In Star Wars, they're called "Storm Troopers" and are feared by all. 5. In real life, people often stink up the bathroom with their fecal odors, toilet paper runs out, and people get diarrhea; In Star Wars, no one has ever used the bathroom. 6. In real life, tall hairy, humanlike creatures are rarely seen by backwoods alcoholics, and are named ridiculous things like "Bigfoot" and "Sasquatch"; In Star Wars, tall hairy humanlike creatures are called Wookiees, and have their own language, planet, social structure, and carry formidable weaponry 7. In real life, people must deal with the problems of children; In Star Wars, children do not exist. 8. In real life, it is often difficult to understand the languages of others, such as 7-11 employees, fast food window operators, and college profs.; In Star Wars, everyone understands everybody, regardless of language barriers. 9. In real life, the extremely obese are often sadly shunned by society; In Star Wars, the extremely obese Jabba the Hutt is a pimp daddy, and has his own sail barge, lounge room, and scantily clad female dancers to keep him occupied--he is envied by all. 10. In real life, people often have problems doing simple mechanical things like operating can openers, programming VCRs, and playing Nintendo; In Star Wars, Droids do all the busy work in half the time. 11. In real life, some people are complete losers; In Star Wars, everybody has a story to tell that's worth listening to. 12. In real life, people sometimes smell; In Star Wars, people are never "ripe", and yet they need not shower. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ TEN REASONS WHY STAR WARS IS BETTER THAN STAR TREK >From John Midgley 10. I've never heard anyone in Star Wars brag about knowing a ship like the back of his hand and then hit his head on an overhang. 9. James Earl Jones' voice is not as irritating as Majel Barret's. 8. Compared to Darth Vader, Q is just too melodramatic. 7. Compared to Vader, Khan is just too high-strung. 6. Star Wars isn't afraid to put the women in charge (ex. Leia, Mon Mothma, Admiral Daala, etc.). 5. In Star Wars, dead is dead. None of this Spock-Vulcan-resurrection bullcrap. 4. In Star Trek, to fix something you need to know about Dilythium Crystals and Anti-matter enducers and Isolinear Chips and yadda yadda yadda. In Star Wars, the only thing you need to know is that THIS one goes here, THAT one goes there!! 3. Those Ewoks aren't as annoying as those damn tribbles, plus they make better fighters too. The tribbles are only good for target practice. 2. In Star Trek, the main reason that the Borg are such a big threat is that they can adapt to laser fire, and block it. Yeah, right. Let's see how they adapt to a pissed off Wookie ripping their arms off. AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON... 1. George Lucas and John Williams. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough. Q: Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? A: Because if they all went, it would be Hell. Q: How can you tell when a man is well hung? A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose. Q: What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? A: Exchange him. Q: What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? A: Telling you his real name. Q: Why do men like smart women? A: Opposites attract. Q: How are husbands like lawn mowers? A: They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work. Q: Why do little boys whine? A: Because they are practicing to be men. Q: How do men define a "50/50" relationship? A: They cook-we eat; they clean-we dirty; they iron-we wrinkle. Q: How does a man show he's planning for the future? A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one. Q: What should you give a man who has everything? A: A woman to show him how to work it. Q: What's the smartest thing a man can say? A: "My wife says..." Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating? A: To stop the snoring before it starts. Q: Why do men need instant replay on TV sports? A: Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened. Q: Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? A: Because not one will stop and ask for directions. Q: Why does the doctor hit the baby's behind when it is born? A: To knock the balls off the smart ones. Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? A :They all already have boyfriends. A: Why is it good that there are female astronauts? A: When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions. Q: Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? A: When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said, "Honey, your butt is getting big. I bet it is as big as the gas grill now." The husband, feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yardstick, measured the grill & then measured his wife's butt. "Yep, he said, "Just what I thought, just about the same size!" The wife got very incensed & decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside & didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day. That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife, and said, "How about it honey? How about a little lovemaking?" The wife rolled over & turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. "What's the matter?" he asked. She replied, "You don't think I am going to fire up this big ass grill for one little weenie, do you?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ If Women Had A Penis - Their thoughts & opinions: "I would walk around and prod my husband all night long with it, whatever he is doing I'll be there prodding him with it." "I would write my name in the snow." "I would go into my boss' office and lay it on his desk and say: 'Where is my raise?'" "I would find my ex-boyfriend, go to bed with him and tell him to roll over and try something new." "I would want a big one and show it off to everyone." "I could grab myself in public and not be embarrassed." "I would not lift the lid on the toilet seat while peeing." "I would measure it both ways." "Pee off of a tall building." "I would speed to the hospital and have it surgically removed." "I would treat women better with it." "I would love him, and squeeze him, and play with it all day." "Demonstrate to my husband and my two sons that it is possible to hit the water and not pee all over everything." "Pin my husband down and slap him in the face with it." "I would play with it and then make him roll over into the wet spot." "Go to an adult store and try out all kinds of stimulants to see what was the best." "Stand up and jump up and down and watch it swing all around." "See how many donuts I could carry with it." "Check out my boyfriend's gag reflexes!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Facts about men: ---------------- Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and have bought jewelry. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow instead of a gun. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear into the heart of even General Schwartzkopf. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and nerdy Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say, "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrased. Get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo." Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor, two inches from the door. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right" because he got older, got a new job, or visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies. No man is charming all the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. When four or more women get together, they talk about men. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice voluntarily. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?" If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other." Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause -- you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles. Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ How To Shower Like A Man: ======================== 01. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them lying in a pile. 02. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way and flash her, making the "woo" sound. 03. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your dick in the mirror, scratch your balls and smell your fingers for one last whiff. 04. Get in the shower. 05. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one). 06. Wash your face. 07. Wash your armpits. 08. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower. 09. Wash your privates and surrounding area. 10. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar. 11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner). 12. Make a shampoo Mohawk. 13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror. 14. Pee (in the shower). 15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time. 16. Partial dry off. 17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire dick size. 18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor. 19. Leave bathroom and fan light on. 20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your dick, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her. 21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take two minutes to get dressed. [...ain't that the truth! - Ed.] How To Shower Like A Woman: ========================== 01. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. 02. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush into the bathroom. 03. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat. 04. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. 05. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins 06. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. 07. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes. 08. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw. 09. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. 10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off). 11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead. 12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure. 13. Turn off shower. 14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. 15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel, 16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found. 17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. 18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed. The question was: What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises... He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden. Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question: What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life. Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighbouring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom. What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable. The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night? What a cruel question? Gawain began to think of his predicament: During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friend, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments? What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice. Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life. What is he moral of this story? THE MORAL IS THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOUR WOMAN IS PRETTY OR UGLY, UNDERNEATH IT ALL, SHE'S STILL A WITCH ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most frequently asked questions of women (i.e., relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behavior in accordance with the truths established below. Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex? A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact. Q: Should I have sex on the first date? A: YES. Before if possible. Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex? A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway. Q: How long should the sex act last? A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out-while he's gone. You can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready. Q: What is "afterplay"? A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift. Q: Does the size of the penis matter? A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift. Q: What about the female orgasm? A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore. Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there considers you a fuckin' slut. Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. Man: Probably because you will be on your knees gobblin' on my cock. Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine. Man: That's cool, cause after I get done smackin' it to you in the back of my car...... I don't give a shit where you go. Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized. Man: No problem, I can always shoot it on your back. Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: But would you stay there? Man: Probably, cause you seem like the kind of chick that is impossible to shake once you smack the goods to her. Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing. Man: That works for me....... as long as you are still a little warm when I shove it in your poop hole. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, when you discover clothing, she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it." Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg." Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?" The rest is history. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The best twenty-five country music song titles ever: =================================================== 25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye 24. His Teeth Was Stained, But His Heart Was Pure 23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? 22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling 21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run so I Figure We Got An Even Deal 20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You 19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well 18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better 17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win 16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight 15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here 14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You 13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You 12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now 11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head) 10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You 9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him 8. Please Bypass This Heart 7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger 6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat 5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly 4. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me 3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles 2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer And the number 1 Country and Western song of the time is: 1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting. "You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit. "The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index finger." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you. Better to be safe than....................Punch a 5th grader Strike while the .........................Bug is close It's always darkest before................Daylight Savings Time Never underestimate the power of..........Termites You can lead a horse to water but.........how? Don't bite the hand that..................looks dirty No news is................................impossible A miss is as good as a....................Mr. You can't teach an old dog new............maths If you lie down with dogs,you'll..........stink in the morning Love all, trust...........................me The pen is mightier than the..............pigs An idle mind is...........................The best way to relax Where there's smoke there's...............pollution Happy the bride who.......................gets all the presents A penny saved is..........................not much Two's company,three's.....................the Musketeers Don't put off till tomorrow what..........you put on to go to bed Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.......you have to blow your nose None are so blind as......................Stevie Wonder Children should be seen and not...........spanked or grounded If at first you don't succeed.............get new batteries You get out of something what you.........see pictured on the box When the blind leadeth the blind..........get out of the way And the favorite... Better late than..........................pregnant ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away!!! Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump. "My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About two miles down the track Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf", taunts Little Red Riding Hood. With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams... "Will you fuck off, I'm trying to take a shit!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains. "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..." The woman giggles and replies, "Well, it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!" The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ----- [Lifted straight from HumourNet] ----- Omigosh, the Intellectual Proletariat (IP) are at it again ... "Man Rides Lawn Mower Over Cliff" PORT ANGELES, Wash. -- A man fell 200 feet to his death when his riding lawn mower went over a cliff. (I could stop right there. ) Ken Campbell, 55, started mowing the lawn Friday afternoon at his vacation home just east of Port Angeles, Clallam County sheriff's deputies said. He turned sharply to avoid the cliff, but the mower, locked in high gear, rolled and tumbled along with Campbell down a sandstone bluff to the rocky beach below, deputies said. It takes a lot of guts to head straight for a 200-foot cliff in high gear. It also doesn't require much in the way of brains. Level II Stupid. (For definitions of the "Three Levels of Stupidity," newer subscribers are referred to Collage 301. Collage 357 also provides some entertaining anecdotes on the misadventures of the IP.) Speaking of all guts and no brains, here's one that was recently posted to the "Darwin" mailing list: Ms. Dozois, who received 75 stitches on her leg, said they should have been more careful. "We had been sitting near the water talking before it got dark and saw the gator stick its head out of the water a couple of times," she said. (Thanks to Jason V. in Auburn, Alabama, for that one.) Some of these stories, such as the following one, go back a couple of years. But they are just as amusing as the day they posted. The following summary is from Richard B. in Highland Park, New Jersey: As reported in the Washington Post, Wilber "nah, looks like a dud" Turcios had the misfortune of setting off a glorified blasting cap that he found near the National Geographic Building: "I pull off the [first] safety and nothing happens, I pull up the second safety and, wow --- boom!" Yeah -- "wow, boom." Next time, remember to pull those safeties off with your teeth in order to get the full cull^W effect. Speaking of "wow, boom," we swing the IPCam to point at ... Russia (glad to see that they're finally joining in the festivities): "Under The Spreading Chestnut Tree, The Vill...oops" (That was Reuters's actual headline!) MOSCOW - A blacksmith in a Russian village was killed by an explosion after hammering on a cannon shell he had used as an anvil for 10 years, the daily Komsomolskaya Pravda said Tuesday. The newspaper said someone had given him the shell a decade ago saying it was a training dummy. The smith, who had never served in the army, had been using what he thought was just a heavy piece of metal as an improvised anvil. "Now there is a deep hole in the ground instead of a village smithy," the daily said. Interestingly, the cumulative I.Q. of the village remained unchanged as a result of the incident. And we have lots more incidents where those came from, in a long- overdue "Intellectual Proletariat" Collage ... Michael W. in Casper, Wyoming, starts us off with "Getting An Autopsy, Will Return Shortly"; Randy L. in El Paso, Texas, brings us the "Stochastics Whiz"; Donna W.in Roslindale, Massachusetts, takes credit for "The Peter Principle"; Mike K. in Kinsman, Illinois, submits the "Hindenburg Detector"; Gordon C. in Salt Lake City, Utah, sends us an account of the "State of Confusion"; Yvonne P. in Arlington, Virginia, tells us that "Size Matters"; Scott J., formerly in Davis, California, takes credit for "Call Us If You Don't Receive This Message, Take I"; Dennis W., in or near Lincoln, Nebraska, follows through with "Call Us If You Don't Receive This Message, Take II"; Jim M. in Boulder, Colorado, completes the set with "Call Us If You Don't Receive This Message, Take III"; Curtis C. in or around Cedar Rapids, Iowa, instructs us in "Avoiding Computer Bugs 101"; Gordon G. brings us the "Consumer Label Instructions for the Terminally Stupid, Take I"; Kaiti T. in Alexandria, Virginia, warns us to "Beware the Flammable Cement," and also takes credit for "Consumer Label Instructions for the Terminally Stupid, Take II"; Russ N. in Honey Grove, Texas, closes out the suite with "Consumer Label Instructions for the Terminally Stupid, Take III"; and Dana E. in Montreal, Canada, gets in "The Final Word." Huge thanks to all our contributors -- and especially to Brian B. in Arlington, Texas, who suggested this modification of HumourNet's motto: Anyone without a clue is at the mercy of everyone else. Indeed. - Vince Sabio HumourNet Moderator vince[at]humournet.com ____________________________________________________________________ Opener (above) Copyright 1999 by Vincent Sabio Permission is hereby granted to forward or post this "Collage"; please observe the guidelines stated at the end of the message. ____________________________________________________________________ SUBJ: Getting An Autopsy, Will Return Shortly Myself and another manager were in the office discussing the evening ahead, when he answered the phone. After talking to the person for a minute or so, he told the person on the phone that she would have to talk to me and handed me the phone. It was one of the employees calling in sick. It was the manner she called in that cracked us up -- she told us that she had to have an autopsy! He had her talk to me so he would have a witness; he said that no one would believe him otherwise. Interesting, though -- she came to work the next day. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Stochastics Whiz Caller ID has opened new opportunities for Level II (and beyond) folks to prove their qualifications as potential doorknobs. I called a wrong number recently, and realized my mistake when no one answered after several rings. That afternoon I received a call from a woman that went as follows: "I'm Mrs. Jones. Did you call me today?" "I don't remember calling you. But I dialed a wrong number today and that might have been yours." "How could you dial my number by mistake? It's unlisted!" ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: The Peter Principle I swear to God the following really happened; I have categorized it as Level II Stupidity. I work for a gourmet food importer that was purchased several years ago by a large mid-western food manufacturer that I will not name but that produces a product for which the act of "spamming" was named. One day, a co-worker was on the phone with someone in the unnamed food manufacturer's international banking department. My co-worker inquired into the daily exchange rate on French francs. There was a short pause, then the person at the other end of the phone asked, "What are those -- some kind of little French hotdog?" ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Hindenburg Detector The "Adventures of the Totally Clueless" in Collage 357 reminded me of a new engineer at my job. I work in the Instrumentation shop, and the engineer mentioned previously came in to borrow a hydrogen detector. The tool crib attendant promptly handed him a propane torch, and he turned and left the shop. The shop population broke out with laughter. Just as someone was being nominated to go rescue him (and us), he returned with the torch, asking "How will I know if I find hydrogen?" The tool crib attendant answered, "Don't worry, *you'll* know!" Satisfied with the answer, he again departed the shop. After the shop broke out laughing, the designated rescuer left to retrieve him before any damage was done. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: State of Confusion After reading your most recent collage, I remembered an experience that I had several years ago. I called a machine shop in California to purchase a new motor for my car. (They had an exceptional price for the motor advertised in a magazine.) After verifying that they did indeed have the motor I wanted, I asked the girl (I still remember that her name was Valerie) on the phone if she could estimate the shipping costs for me. She asked where I was and I told her "Salt Lake City." Valerie inquired, "Where is that?" I informed her that Salt Lake City was in Utah to which she replied "Is that in California?" After that I just told her to forget the shipping quote and to send the motor, figuring that even if she didn't know geography maybe the shipping company would. They did, I got the motor. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Beware the Flammable Cement I was at a high school bus stop with some other kids, and it was REALLY COLD. We were in front of a house and someone decided to light this house's newspaper on fire to get warm. Well, it burned down to smoldering, and I said, "Yeah, you better stomp that out, or the concrete will light on fire." A girl turned to me and said, "Concrete can catch fire?" Thinking she was joking, I said, "Sure, why do you think concrete buildings always burn down? Concrete has a lot of air in it!" She said, "Wow. Ya learn something new everyday, huh?" ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Size Matters Here's the story: I'm in McDonald's, I ask for a medium coke. I'm told, "We don't have medium." I say, "Fine, what do you have?" The braniac at the counter says, "We only have small, large, and supersize." I give him a stupid look and say, "Just give me the one in the middle." He had a hard time figuring out which was which. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Call Us If You Don't Receive This Message, Take I Hey Vince, I am attaching the following letter for one purpose -- [it is a] variation on a famous HumourNet inside joke. It's from [U.C. Davis], from which I just graduated. [Editor's Note: The "inside joke" to which Scott refers is the proclivity that some people seem to have for putting comments like "Call me if you don't receive this message" into electronic correspondence. Refer to Collage 262 for a more detailed explanation of this joke. ] [Start of Message] Greetings, This electronic mail notice has been automatically generated by the account management system. Our records currently show that the owner [...] of this account [...] has graduated, retired, or left the University. [snip instructions on how to move to move your data files to a different machine ] If this account is no longer being used, you may disregard this notice. Regards, --Accounts Manager ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Call Us If You Don't Receive This Message, Take II I thought you might appreciate this. This particular list has had some problems with Majordomo lately. Apparently, the list owner is sending a message to the list telling people who *don't* receive it to re-sub... [Start of Message] Subject: Major dumbo at it again.... Reply-to: lewises[at]flatoday.infi.net Ok guys, make sure you are still sub'd. [the list server] is acting stupid. ::snip:: ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Call Us If You Don't Receive This Message, Take III Hi Vince, I got this from our department secretary yesterday; I swear I am not making this up! (Names changed to protect the intellectually challenged.) [Start of Message] To: Subject: FW: Internet Addresses for new Exhange Mailing Lists Date: Mon, 25 Aug 1997 12:32:23 -0600 Test! Please let me know if you do not get this. Just send me a quick response back. Thank you for your time! Sheila ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Avoiding Computer Bugs 101 I am a systems test engineer and I do QA on hand held computers; I have also done QA on software for years. I thought this quote was very amusing, because the person who said it was serious: "Well if you FOUND a bug, you *MUST* be doing your testing wrong!" ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Consumer Label Instructions for the Terminally Stupid, Take I I recently purchased one of those long-stemmed lighters -- the kind designed for lighting charcoal grills, fireplace fires, candles, and anything difficult to reach with a conventional lighter or a match. I happened to look at the warning label on the back of the package. It said: Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks. Since the lighter produces a spark to ignite a flame to start a fire, I guess it's just too dangerous to use. I'm returning it tomorrow and plan to cite the warning label as the reason for return. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Consumer Label Instructions for the Terminally Stupid, Take II Actual label instructions on consumer goods ... On a blanket from Taiwan: NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists: REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU On a Korean kitchen knife: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN On an Indonesian packet of nuts: OPEN PACKET AND EAT CONTENTS On a pack of Sainsbury's (UK) salted peanuts: WARNING: CONTAINS NUTS On a Taiwanese shampoo: USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE On a Marks and Spencer's (UK) bread and butter pudding: WARNING: PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING On the bottle-top of a flavoured milk drink: AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT On an Aussie iron: WARNING: NEVER IRON CLOTHES ON THE BODY. On a New Zealand insect spray: THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS. In an American guide to setting up a new computer: TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was on the INSIDE of the box.) On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids: LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET. ========================[ H U M O U R N E T ]======================= SUBJ: Consumer Label Instructions for the Terminally Stupid, Take III More actual label instructions on consumer goods ... On Sears hair dryer: DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING. On a bag of Fritos: YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. On a bar of Dial soap: DIRECTIONS: USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. On some Swann frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD. On Tesco's tiramisu dessert: DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (printed on bottom of the box) On Boot's children's cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY. On Nytol sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. On a Japanese food processor: NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. On a child's Superman costume: WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. On a Swedish chain saw: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. [Editor's Note: Sage advice. However, it suggests that either Swedish men aren't terribly bright, or Swedish women have been keeping one HELLUVA secret from the rest of the women on the planet. ] ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Eye halve a spelling chequer, It came with my pea sea, It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a quay and type a word, And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write - It shows me strait a weigh! As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long, And eye can put the era rite (Its rare lea ever wrong.) Eye have run this poem threw it, Eye am shore your pleased two no, Its letter perfect awl the weigh - My chequer tolled me sew! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ 12 STEP PROGRAM OF RECOVERY FOR WEB ADDICTS 1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web. 2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing. 3) I will get dressed before noon. 4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web. 5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived. 6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web. 7) I will read a book...if I still remember how. 8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web. 9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email. 10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not. 11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web. 12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Management has determined that there is no longer any need for network or software applications support.(See below) The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by December 31, 1999. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound reasons for doing this: 1. No Y2K problems 2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done. 3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails. Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support : Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: What's the shortcut for Undo? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I create a New Document window? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it. Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document? A: Don't shake it. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Checked my motherboard user's manual yesterday and found this quote on the first line, first page. "USER'S MANUAL VERSION 1.0: The information presented in this publication has been carefully for reliability." It adds that "no responsibility is assumed for inaccuracies." Obviously not. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Advice to Users on how to deal with IT Personnel and problems: 1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours. 2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here. 3. When an IT person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 screen saver passwords. 4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your e-mail because your computer won't power on at all. 5. Don't put your phone extension in your e-mails to the help desk. We need to keep an eye on the address book performance. 6. When IT support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing. 7. When an IT person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts out. We only exist to serve. 8. When an IT person is having a smoke outside, ask him a computer question. The only reason why we smoke at all is to ferret out those clients who don't have an e-mail address or a telephone line. 9. Send urgent e-mail all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery. 10. When you call an IT person's direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual greeting that says he's out of town for a week, record your message and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an e-mail straight to the director because no one ever returned your call. You're entitled to common courtesy. 11. When the photocopier doesn't work call computer support. There's electronics in it. 12. When getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here. 13. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors. 14. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an IT person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle. 15. If you hate your mouse, get some other pointing device and discard the manual. We know all keyboard accelerators. 16. When an IT person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument. 17. When you get a message about insufficient disk space, delete everything in the windows directory. It's nothing but trouble anyway. 18. When you have an IT person on the phone walking you through changing a setting, read the newspaper. We don't actually mean for you to do anything, we just love to hear ourselves talk. 19. When an IT person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That'll get us going. 20. If you have a 14-inch screen that says VGA on it, set the display to true colour, 1024 x 768. You'll never again have to worry about people reading confidential files over your shoulder. 21. When we offer training on the upcoming Windows upgrade, don't bother attending. We'll be there to hold your hand after it's done. 22. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes. 23. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work. 24. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy blew up". 25. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps. 26. If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go around and update the network drivers for all your co-workers. We're grateful for the overtime. 27. When an IT person is fixing your computer at a quarter past noon, eat your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly dizzy. 28. When an IT person makes popcorn, help yourself while he's checking out your access rights. And we keep chocolate in the top drawer too. 29. Don't ever thank us. We're getting paid for this. 30. If you're a college student, feel free to bring all your friends from college and have your Daddy complain to our boss when we don't let them use the scanner. 31. When an IT person asks you whether you've installed any new software on this computer, lie. It's nobody's business what you've got on your computer. 32. If you have Windows NT, feel free to change the local administrator's password to "biteme" and promptly forget it. We like installing NT. It takes such a wonderfully long time. 33. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down your framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20 kg of computer sitting on top of them. 34. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them. 35. When you receive the new Yanni CD for your birthday, shove it into any slot on the front of your computer. We like getting physical with 5.25 floppy drives. 36. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that 'Yes' button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you? 37. When you find an IT person on the telephone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of anyway. 38. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know anything about that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap. 39. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call IT support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics. 40. When you can't find someone in the government directory, call IT. 41. When you have a lock on an old file cabinet, call IT Support. We love to hack. 42. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem. 43. When you receive a 30Mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of space on the mail server. 44. When your eyes fall on the family pictures on an IT person's desk, exclaim in a flabbergasted tone of voice: "YOU have a child?!?" We need to be reminded of how lucky we were to have ever had a life. 45. When you bump into an IT person at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends. 46. When you bring your own personal home PC to the office to be repaired, leave the documentation at home. We'll find the settings and drivers somewhere. 47. We don't really believe that you're a bunch of ungrateful twits. It hurts our feelings that you could even think such a thing. We wish to express our deepest gratitude to the hundreds of clueless losers portrayed herein, without whom none of this would have been remotely possible. 48. Keep it crashing. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The BBC web pages have links which allow you to send web pages to email addresses and to include a text message. I just sent myself a page with the word Saturday in the body of the message. It arrived with the word changed to Sa****ay! Hmmm. So I tried sending... >"I hope you still have your appetite for scraps of dickens when I bump >into you in class in Scunthorpe, Essex on saturday" Yes! It replied... >"I hope you still have your appetite for s****s of dickens when I ***p >into you in class in S****horpe, Es*** on sa****ay" Missed the ass, the tit and the dick though. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ In the realm of the Mighty King Gates who has pulled the sword from the stone and slaughtered everyone with it, comes the knights of the MS Table: Sir DOS: Plain complexion and no armor. Rides very stablely on his mare. He vary rarely falls, but knows only the basic combat tactics and is very difficult to talk to, since he speaks and understands no more than eight-letter words. King Gates plots to murder him. Sir Windows 1.0: Sir DOS's twin brother with a bad toupee. He falls off his horse quite frequently and knows no more than Sir DOS. Just as difficult to communicate with due to his obsession with eight-letter words. He was killed in his first battle. King Gates pretends this one never existed. Sir Windows 3.x: Sir Windows 1.0's best friend. He is a wee bit more stable on his horse than Sir Windows 1.0, yet not as good as Sir DOS. He's got some really neat designs on his shield but still does not know much more than Sir DOS. Sir Windows 3.x has yet to overcome his devotion to eight-letter words. King Gates is always asking, 'Why can't you be more like that nice Sir Windows95?' Sir Windows95: Sir Windows 3.x's Brother. He's got the same designs on his shield, but his armor is very shiny. Knows advanced combat skills, but never really puts them to use. Not confined to eight- letter words anymore, but it depends who he's talking to. Claims to be able to converse with many people at once, however if he tries to coverse with too many, he'll fall right off his horse and land on top of somebody. King Gates is proud of this one. Sir Windows NT: Sir Windows95's tough-guy uncle. He's got duller designs on his shield, but the same shiny armor. His armor is virtually impenetrable, but a pain to get into and impossible to get out of, all he can do is add more layers. Falls off his horse every once in a while, and everyone else goes right with him. Can converse with many people at once without falling off. He knows advanced combat skills and uses them when necessary. Has the same problems with eight-letter words as Sir Windows95. This is King Gates' favorite thing to show off. Now we leave the realm of the Mighty King Gates and find the wandering swordsman of the land: Sir UNIX: Does not do battle and wears only chain mail. He finds all the information he can and his only goal is to distribute it to others who ask. Knows games and will play them, but likes work better. King Gates has sent Sir Windows NT out to kill and mutilate this knight. Sir MAC OS: Started the fad of the shiny armor and claims the knights of the realm of King Gates stole his ideas. Lately his popularity has declined. And recently he has made an alliance with King Gates. He does know any useful battle skills and will tell you only what he thinks you should know. The good thing about him is that he has no problem with word more than eight letter words. Sir OS/2: Spied on Sir Windows 3.x and Sir Windows95 and copied off of them. He was popular for a time, but now many refuse to acknowledge his existence. There is a rumor that he has a son named Warp. Sir Linux: A new knight in the land who was summoned by a great many and the nephew of Sir UNIX. He can play games but prefers to run the internet. His armour is getting increasingly shinier and he hardly ever falls off his horse, even when in direct combat with Sir Windows NT. King Gates is terrified of this knight and plots to win favours with his followers through bribery. King Gates reigns high over all that is his and destroys or consumes all that is not. And these are the OS Knights. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ What If Dr. Seuss Wrote Technical Manuals? ------------------------------------------- If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report! If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash! If the label on your cable on the gable at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall. And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: Oracle most wise and wonderful, I am at a career crossroads; should I become an astronaut, a fireman, or a sysadmin? And in response, thus spoke the Oracle: This is the kind of question that these "handy comparison charts" were just made to answer: PURPOSE OF YOUR CAREER Astronaut: Advancing scientific knowledge for the good of humanity. Fireman: Saving lives and property. Sysadmin: Assuring uninterrupted access to alt.binaries.erotica.sheep ADVICE YOU'LL GIVE KIDS WHO WANT TO FOLLOW IN YOUR FOOTSTEPS Astronaut: "Study science and math and eat your vegetables." Fireman: "Study science and math and eat your vegetables." Sysadmin: "DON'T DO IT! RUN AWAY!" QUESTION YOU'LL BE MOST TIRED OF ANSWERING Astronaut: "Where do you go to the bathroom?" Fireman: "Do you really slide down a pole when the alarm goes off?" Sysadmin: "Can't you do anything about all this spam I've been getting?" WILL YOU EVER BE ON TV? Astronaut: Yes! Fireman: Occasionally. Sysadmin: Only MSNBC's "The Site," which technically doesn't count as television. WILL YOUR JOB EVER GET ANY EASIER? Astronaut: As computers get more and more advanced and able to control more of the functions of the space vehicle, yes. Fireman: As more and more people install smoke detectors in their homes, yes. Sysadmin: As more and more clueless newbies discover the Internet, absolutely not. INSPIRING MOVIE ABOUT YOUR PROFESSION Astronaut: "The Right Stuff" Fireman: "Backdraft" Sysadmin: Uh... gee, I'm really drawing a blank here... "Wargames"? YOUR WORK HOURS Astronaut: Fairly long days during the mission, but lots and lots of time between missions to relax. Fireman: 24-hour shifts, but 48 hours between shifts to relax. Sysadmin: Not really "work hours" or even "work days" ... more like "work millennia." FRINGE BENEFITS OF YOUR JOB Astronaut: Lots of good stories to tell to impress the chicks. Fireman: Lots of good stories to tell to impress the chicks. Sysadmin: You get ALL of the jokes in "Dilbert." NUMBER OF COMPLAINTS ABOUT YOUR PROFESSION Astronaut: A few, from people who think the government should be spending its money in different ways. Fireman: A few, from people who think you take too long to arrive following a 911 call. Sysadmin: What comes after "trillion"? YOUR COMMUTER VEHICLE Astronaut: Multimillion-dollar space vehicle atop multimillion-dollar rocket. Fireman: Big red truck with flashing lights and siren. Sysadmin: 1978 AMC Gremlin. Was once bright green. In conclusion, if the sysadmin option has seemed the most appealing in even one of these categories, you should become a sysadmin. Can't you do anything about all this spam I've been getting? ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Some great books to get for your little nephew or niece for Christmas: You Were an Accident Strangers Have the Best Sweets Some Kittens Can Fly Getting More Chocolate on Your Face Where Would You Like to Be Buried? Kathy Was So Bad Her Mum Stopped Loving Her All Dogs Go to Hell The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking When Mummy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog? Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends? Daddy Drinks Because You Cry Mister Policeman Eats His Armed Response Force Revolver You Are Different and That's Bad Pop Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games The Secret Seven, the Famous Five, and the Vice Squad The Tickling Babysitter Babar Meets the Taxidermist Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables Start a Estate Agent Empire With the Change From Your Mummy's Purse The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Primary School Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear Barney: The Prison Years ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A Woman's Guide to Men's Gifts Rule #1: When in doubt -- buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why. Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. "By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why. Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why. Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts. Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips. Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer. Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink -- they are earthy. Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Cat. You get the idea. No one knows why. Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over. Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.") Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook -- but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?" Rule #12: Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why. Rule #13: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why -- please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker. Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why. Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ NORTH POLE, Dec. 10 /PRNewswire/ -- Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Christmukah, as the new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping, maids a-milking and elves being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this. A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy, Come All Ye Faithful." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of rollerblades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity. What balls you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a lame whistle and a pair of ugly socks. What the fuck were you thinking, you fat prick, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave that little quiff across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house. Don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year. I'll fuck you up. I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the North fucking Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that Godamned bike. FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, YOU FAT, FAGGOT, RED JUMP SUIT WEARING, REINDEER BONING BASTARD. Sincerely, Little Johnny. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Millennium Pie (with apologies to Don McLean) A long, long time ago... I can still remember how Computers used to make me smile. And I knew if I had my chance, That I could make electrons dance, And maybe I'd be happy for a while. But January made me shiver, it chilled me deep down in my liver, Bad news I'd collected... I couldn't get connected. I can't remember back that day When I first knew the Y2K But something touched me anyway, The day computers died. So,. ..Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies Saying this will be the day I retire this will be the day I retire Can you write in C plus plus? And do you have faith in your local bus If the driver tells you so? Do you believe in Compaq's goals Can software save your mortal soul And can you teach me how to type real slow? Well I thought that you were prepared 'Cause your memo said you weren't impaired Your stationery's swell But you can go to hell I was a lonely teenage Unix hack With an incantation and a modem jack but I knew the cat had left the sack The day computers died I started singin'... Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies Saying this will be the day I retire this will be the day I retire Now for 10 years we've ignored the threat And we haven't solved the problem yet But that's not how it used to be When the luddites read for the king and queen with a light they filled with kerosene And some manuals they stole from you and me And while Bill Gates was looking pleased Time stole his monopolies The courtroom was adjourned No verdict was returned While Apple tried a colour scheme The engineers returned to steam And we had purges of their dreams The day computers died We were singin' Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies Saying this will be the day I retire this will be the day I retire Intel inside in an iron smelter The food leftover from my fallout shelter Twinkies old and aging fast I'd rather eat the grass Q and A tried for a system crash With the tester on the sidelines in a cast Now the timeshare net was running Doom While mainframes played a marching tune We all tried to log in Oh, but we never could begin 'Cause Cobol tried to take the field, And Hollerith refused to yield. Do you recall what was revealed, The day computers died? We started singing Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies Saying this will be the day I retire this will be the day I retire There we were all in a state A generation- really late With no time left to start again So come on mouse be nimble, mouse be quick Don't let my spreadsheet data stick Cause data is the devil's only friend. Millennium Pie As I watched him on my screen My hands and face were drenched in steam No angel born in hell Could run that stupid shell And as the ball climbed high into the night To call the sacrificial night I saw Dick Clark laughing with delight the day computers died. I met a girl with a cell phone And I asked her for a dial tone But she just smiled and turned away I went down to the software store Where I'd seen computers years before But the man there said the games there wouldn't play And in the streets the children screamed The lovers cried and the poets dreamed their interface was spoken The Internet was broken And the three things I connect to most The Website, Lan and the Network host Every single one was toast The day computers died They were singin' Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies Saying this will be the day I retire this will be the day I retire ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ During CNN's nauseating coverage of the 2000 celebrations, the following interview was broadcast from London. Interviewer:- "So, what are you going to be doing this Millennium?" Man in street:- "Not much - I'm going to be dead for most of it..." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A computer was something on TV from a science fiction show of note a window was something you hated to clean. and ram was the cousin of a goat Meg was the name of your girlfriend and gig was a job for the nights now they all mean different things and that really mega bytes An application was for employment a program was a TV show a cursor used profanity a keyboard was a piano Memory was something that you lost with age a cd was a bank account and if you had a 3.5" floppy you hoped nobody found out Compress was something you did to the garbage not something you did to a file and if you unzipped anything in public you'd be in jail for a while Log on was adding wood to the fire hard drive was a long trip on the road a mouse pad was where a mouse lived and a backup happened to your commode Cut you did with a pocket knife paste you did with glue a web was a spider's home and a virus was the flu I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper and the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash but when it happens they wish they were dead. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The Rev. Jerry Falwell has stepped in to clean up children's television. A couple of months ago he 'outed' the apparently homosexual Tinky Winky, a character from the "Teletubbies" show, because: 1) He's purple, the gay color; 2) He has an antenna shaped like a triangle, the gay symbol, and 3) He carries a purse, something all gay people do. But Falwell's work is far from over. Note the evidence below: FRED FLINTSTONE 1) His nickname on the Bedrock bowling team is "Twinkle-toes Flintstone." 2) The show's theme song ends "...we'll have a gay old time!" 3) He wears an orange dress with little triangles on it. 4) He hangs out with Barney far more than Wilma. BUGS BUNNY 1) Often stands with hand on hip. 2) Plays a hairdresser in one episode. 3) Frequently dresses in drag. 4) Loves to throw on a top hat and tails and belt out Broadway show-tunes with his buddy Daffy, who, it's worth noting, has a lisp. POPEYE 1) Eats lots of salad. 2) Wears a sailor suit, even though he hasn't been on a ship in years. 3) Does little sailor-dances. 4) Dates a flat-chested transvestite named Olive Oyl. 5) Best friend named Wimpy. BATMAN & ROBIN 1) Robin's nickname: Boy Wonder. 2) Batman's real name: Bruce. 3) Both wear tights. 4) They're in great shape. 5) They like to show each other their "grappling hooks." PEPPERMINT PATTY (from Peanuts) 1) Has a deep, gravelly voice. 2) Wears pants, not dresses like the other Peanuts gals. 3) Plays a mean game of football. 4) Likes to taunt Charlie Brown. 5) Always hanging out with that androgynous Marcie. 6) Wears comfortable shoes. 7) Nickname: Sir. THE PINK PANTHER 1) 'Nuff said "We live to survive our paradoxes." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Top Ten Reasons AOL's Steve Case Pushed for the Time Warner Deal 1. Traditional path to Sexiest Man Alive didn't seem to be working. 2. Gates was planning an ezine. 3. Damn childhood sled. 4. Longed for good old days of paper cuts and ink-smeared hands. 5. Asked assistant to get him a Time magazine and staff went overboard. 6. Just messing with Wall Street. 7. AOL-Netscape coverage lasted only one lousy week. 8. "Man of the Year" Jeff Bezos? Never again! 9. Wanted to meet Jennifer Lopez. 10. Three words: You've Got Cable ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Two guys are in a locker room after their racquetball game when one guy notices the other has a cork in his ass. "If you don't mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks terribly uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?" "I can't," lamented the first man. "It's permanent." "I don't understand," said the other. The first guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge man in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Hassan the Genie. I can grant you one wish." And I said, "No shit!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A rich couple was going out for the evening. The lady of the house decided to give the butler, Throckmorton, the night off. She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his evening. As it turned out, the wife didn't have a good time at the party, so she came home early. She walked into the house and eyed Throckmorton sitting alone in the dining room. She called for him to follow her. She led him to the master bedroom. She closed and locked the door. She looked at him and smiled. "Throckmorton," she said. "Take off my dress." He did so, carefully. "Throckmorton, take off my stockings and garter. He silently obeyed her. "Throckmorton. Remove my bra and panties." The tension mounted as he complied. Finally she looked at him and said, "Throckmorton. If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Bathroom graffiti - 01 ----------------------------- Here I lie in stinky vapor, Because some bastard stole the toilet paper, Shall I lie, or shall I linger, Or shall I be forced to use my finger. Bathroom graffiti - 02 ----------------------------- I came here To shit and stink, But all I do Is sit and think. Bathroom graffiti - 03 ----------------------------- Some come here to sit and think, Some come here to shit and stink, But I come here to scratch my balls, And read the bullshit on the walls. Bathroom graffiti - 04 ----------------------------- (Written high upon the wall) If you can piss above this line,... the Nairobi Fire Department wants you. Bathroom graffiti - 05 ----------------------------- (Sign posted in a bathroom) We aim to please! You aim too! Please! [This one's real, I've seen it! -Ed.] Bathroom graffiti - 06 ----------------------------- (Seen above a urinal) Please do not throw cigarette butts in our urinal. We don't piss in your ashtrays! Bathroom graffiti - 07 ----------------------------- Scratched into the paint of the condom-dispensing machine were these words: "Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber." Bathroom graffiti - 08 ----------------------------- (On the inside of a toilet door) Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the entire performance Bathroom graffiti - 09 ----------------------------- "$1.49 - All You Can Eat" (with an arrow pointing down into the toilet) Bathroom graffiti - 10 ----------------------------- (A sign I saw at a swimming pool once) We don't swim in your toilet, so please don't pee in our pool! Bathroom graffiti - 11 ----------------------------- (Another sign seen at a swimming pool) Welcome to our ool. Notice there's no P in it. Please keep it that way. Bathroom graffiti - 12 ----------------------------- (In the men's room at a Burger King restaurant) It takes the human body about 24 hours to turn good food into shit. It only takes Burger King 10 minutes. Bathroom graffiti - 13 ----------------------------- (Sign seen at a restaurant) The hands that clean these toilets also make your food......... please aim properly. Bathroom graffiti - 14 ----------------------------- (Here's one seen above a urinal) look up look up [even higher on the wall] keep looking up [on the ceiling] Quick! Look down! You're pissing on your shoes! Bathroom graffiti - 15 ----------------------------- (Written above a urinal) Why are you looking up here ? Are you ashamed of it? Bathroom graffiti - 16 ----------------------------- Some people come here to take a shit, I come here to leave one. Bathroom graffiti - 17 ------------------------------- Here I sit so broken hearted Tried to shit but only farted ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ "I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, come home and expect to be fed and stroked, then want to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat." - Unknown ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve it for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?" "You'll see", says his dad. They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating. "Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint: It's what your mother sometimes calls me." "We're eating asshole!!", she screams. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ "And here's Moses Kiptanui, the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago." (David Coleman) "Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs" (David Coleman) "We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite." (Murray Walker) After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought." (Bobby Robson) On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country." (Ian Rush) Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry. What chance do you think Germany has of getting through? Terry Venables: "I think it's 50-50." "I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost." (Frank Bruno) "There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes." (David Coleman) "There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people." (David Coleman) "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical." (Murray Walker) "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Greg Norman) "There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious." (Alan Minter) "Watch the time. It gives you an indication of how fast they are running." (Ron Pickering) "Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers." (Murray Walker) "A brain Scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from stress fracture of the shin." (Jo Sheldon) "That's inches away from being millimetre perfect." (Ted Lowe) "I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right." (Marlon Starling) "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." (Terry Venables) "I can't tell who's leading. It's either Oxford or Cambridge." (John Snagge - Boat Race between Oxford and Cambridge) "The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests, is absolutely round." (Tony Crozier) ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor, and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy approached and asked if he was alright. The boy said he was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself. Approaching again, Sandy said, 'Would you like me to be your friend?' The boy hesitated, then said, 'Okay', looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, 'Why are you standing here alone? 'Because,' the little boy said with great exasperation, 'I'm the fucking goalie.' ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Three Enlish men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One guy said he was going to piss him off. He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. 'Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a sissy.' 'Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.' Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. 'I told him St. Patrick was a sissy and he didn't care!' 'You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn.' The second English man walked over and tapped the Irish man on the shoulder. 'I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!' 'Oh, wow, I didn't know that, thank you.' Shocked beyond belief, the English man went back to his buddies. 'Your right, he is unshakable!' The third English man said: 'No, no, no, I will really piss him off, you just watch.' The English man walked over to the Irish man, tapped him on the shoulder and said...'I hear your St. Patrick was an Englishman!' 'Yeah, thats what your buddies were trying to tell me.' ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ This company has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics: * 29 have been accused of spousal abuse * 7 have been arrested for fraud * 19 have been accused of writing bad checks * 117 have bankrupted at least two businesses * 3 have been arrested for assault * 4 have been accused of being involved in murders * 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit * 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges * 8 have been arrested for shoplifting * 21 are current defendants in lawsuits * In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving Can you guess which organization this is? It's the 535 members of the SOUTH AFRICAN GOVERNMENT, the same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ G-string: Snakstringetjie / tergtoutjie / gatsnaar / hol-flos Sales rep: Koopseblief / kommissiekabouter Toi-toi: Vakbond-vastrap / williewerkie-wals Tantrum: Spin-jou-driewiel / vloermoer / baba-boogie Doggie Bag: Woefkardoes Stapler: Draaddrukkertjie / papiervampier Softie: Sponskind / Jellie Japie Sweet sixteen: Druktyd / pompnie / jagseisoen Appy: Moerjoggie / spykerkind Backseat driver: Skouervlieg Hang-over: Bewe-lewer Halfjack: Polisiekoffie / bergieparfuum Stew: Vleismoles Make-up: Jeugdeeg / plooisement Face-lift: Hysbakkies / glystopper / opstaanoperasie ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The Cape Times (Cape Town) "I have promised to keep his identity confidential,' said Jack Maxim, a spokeswoman for the Sandton Sun Hotel, Johannesburg, "but I can confirm that he is no longer in our employment". "We asked him to clean the lifts, and he spent four days on the job. When I asked him why, he replied;' Well, there are forty of them, two on each floor, and sometimes some of them aren't there.' Eventually, we realised that he thought each floor had a different lift, and he'd cleaned the same two twelve times. "We had to let him go. It seemed best all round. I understand he is now working for Woolworths." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Togetherness Tshabalala weaves his High Impact African Culling Equipment (Hi-Ace for short) through the rush-hour traffic, occasionally using the pavement to increase productivity. The rising sun shines brightly off Togetherness' gleaming, stolen BMW hubcaps. Togetherness is a confident man with high spirits, as evidenced by the stickers on his rear window: "GOD LOVES TAXI DRIVERS" and "AVOID CONSTIPATION -TRAVEL BY TAXI". On the front of his taxi, between a large dent which, ominously, is in the shape of a large traffic cop, and the holes from a small spray of bullets is a lurid notice reading: "JUKSKEI PARK EXPRESS INAUGURAL FLIGHT". Using the word "flight" is Togetherness's own little personal joke. What we are witnessing is the inaugural leg of what is hopefully to become a daily service between Jukskei Park and Johannesburg - a 25km journey which takes 10 minutes - less if the pavements are open. The percussion waves from Togetherness's powerful radio (taken from a BMW Z3) pushes back the early mist. He is playing Boom Shaka's latest low frequency, 120 dB hit "How low can we go". He hoots as he drives. Togetherness hoots at anything he sees - including trees - as is the custom of his people. On board the taxi are a dozen white people. They do not come whiter than this. They are Omo white. But they were not born white. No, their pallor is due to fear and stark terror. Take John Mleka. Never is his life has he done 0 to 100 km/h in six seconds - especially not in heavy traffic. Denise Mthaba's colour has changed from green-black to a sort of waxen ivory as quickly as the last traffic light had changed to red (a colour which traditionally prompts taxi drivers to make even more haste). Togetherness regularly looks over his shoulder while driving - even for a full minute - asking passengers their destinations. Elizabeth Mkize, sitting right at the back, has the opportunity to say "Rendbeg centa" even though she works in Johennesbeg. Randburg was coming up fast and it suddenly seemed near enough for her. She worries about how she will make her way to the front - but only fleetingly, because the taxi has now reached Randburg and Togetherness has stopped. He has stopped as suddenly as a plane might stop up against a mountain. Now EVERYBODY is at the front in a warm, intimate heap. Elizabeth alights as gracefully as anybody can with one knee locked behind the other. She is vaguely aware of passersby loosening her clothing and shouting "Give her air!" Togetherness bowls happily along Jan Smuts Avenue, overtaking a police BMW which is chasing a getaway car. Then he overtakes the getaway car too, exchanging boisterous greetings with the driver whom he knows. Togetherness is steering with his elbows because he needs his hands free to check the morning's takings and to wave to girls on the pavement. What is even more remarkable is that Togetherness is doing this despite the fact that his taxi does not have a steering wheel. When Togetherness's friend, Sipho, stole this vehicle, it was fitted with a steering lock, and Sipho had to remove the steering wheel. The spanner that Sipho has attached to the steering bolt in its place is quite adequate though. Togetherness smiles and turns to his passengers as he accelerates past a truck on a blind rise. He announces "Ladies and gentlemen, thees eez your ceptin. We will shortly be lending in Johennesbeg. Plies make sure your seatbelts are in the upright position, end your seats are fastened. Thank you for flying with us today. We hope to see you soon again." John Mleka is gripping the seat in front of him so tightly, that he notices his finger tips have gone transparent, as a passing taxi fires a brief burst from an automatic weapon in his direction. Togetherness now reaches the city and merges with the in-bound traffic like his ancestors merged with the British at Isandlwana. He stops at his usual disembarkation point in the middle of an intersection and picks his teeth patiently while people sort out their legs and teeth, before groping their way towards a pole around which they can throw their arms. By the time his passengers' eyeballs have settled back in their parent sockets, Togetherness is already halfway back to Jukskei Park with another load of passengers. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ [Supposedly a true account... -Ed.] Anton requested that I start organizing 5 telephone lines for the Missions in Saldana Bay. The call went as follows: "Good Morning this is Telkom how can I give you excellent service today." This was already 12:22. I replied "Good Afternoon lady, (I just assumed that she was a lady) I need to know what the procedure is to apply for a new telephone service in Saldana Bay." Her reply "Saldana Bay? Do you perhaps know the code for Saldana Bay?" Me "Ah, no, Unfortunately not" Her "Could you hold please?" (Then I assume she thinks that she has muted the phone.) She shouts loudly. "Hay Karen what's the fucking dial code for Saldana" I hear someone talking in the background. Suddenly I have music in my ear and two seconds later she comes back on the line. "I am transferring you to our installations sir, have a good day." Again music, and a few recorded messages. Then "Good day this is accounts" I say " I was supposed to be transferred to installations for Saldana Bay" Her " Sorry I will transfer you" again music for a few minutes. Then," Good morning this is Ntembu, how can I offer you excellent service please" Me "I need information on how to apply for a new telephone service in Saldanna Bay please." Her "E-yees I must transfer you to P.E." Me "Do you mean Port Elizabeth?" Her "E-yees they do the installations for Saldana Bay" Me " Are you sure? P.E. is on the East coast and Saldana is on the west coast." Her "E-yes, they do the work there" Me " OK if you are sure, I have been on the phone for quite a while now." Again music, then a male this time" Good Morning this is Telkom, how can I help you?" Me "I need to know how to apply for a new service in Saldana Bay?" Him " Do you have the dial code sir?" Me "No but it is 02 something" Him" I will transfer you to Cape Town sir." Me" but Ntembu told me that P.E. does the installations" Him " Stupid wog, sorry sir I will transfer you" Music again then " E-yes good morning this is Ntembu how can I offer you excellent service?" Me "Hello Ntembu, you transferred me to P.E. in connection with a installation in Saldana Bay, they tell me its the wrong place and I have to talk to someone in Cape Town." Her "E-yes I will transfer you to P.E." Me "NO, No don't transfer me to P.E. they don't do the work there, I must speak to someone in Cape Town." Her "E-yes hold on I will find out" Music again 2 minutes later" E-yes, do you have the dialing code?" Me "No but its 02 something," Her "Hold on please" Again music then "E-yes I will transfer you" again music, then "Good afternoon this is Jillian, how can I help you," Me (sarcastically)" At last someone that knows the time, I need to find out how to apply for new service in Saldana Bay" Her "Do you know the dial code?" Me "No and please don't tell me you must transfer me again" Her "No Sir I will deal with this query" Me "I should ruddy well hope so, I am tired of being transferred around," Her "Well sir what you must do is get forms at any Telkom office, fill them in and give it back to them. There is a special on at the moment." Me "OK what is the special?" Her "The installation is R90 but you must buy your own phone" Me "How long for installation?" Her "If you fax me the form, about a month" Me "OK what is the fax number, " Her "0224824545 make it attention Jillian" Me "Thank you Jillian, why couldn't all the others help me with this information?" Her "Well its the new South Africa Sir, If I was you I would complain to one of the superiors" Me "OK can you transfer me to one please?" Her "With pleasure sir please hold" again music, then "E-yes this is Ntembu speaking how can I offer you excellent service." Me "May I speak to a supervisor please." Her "E-yes sir I am the supervisor." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ 1. The person in front of you in traffic this morning was hijacked and you got irritated because you missed the robot. 2. While eating dinner a news item comes on TV about a family of six slaughtered in their home, and you ask someone to pass you the salt. 3. You never think of taxis in terms of 'public transport'. 4. You have a minimum of five worst taxi stories. 5. While waiting at the ATM, the bank is robbed by armed gunmen, but you'll be damned if you're going to lose your place in the queue. 6. You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you. 7. The last time you drove your car without swearing at someone was when you took your drive test. 8. It takes you an hour and a half to drive 5km to work in the morning and you think wow, good traffic day. 9. Every time you find your car parked where you left it you are genuinely surprised. 10. You've never been to Melville or Rockey St but love Sandton City. 11. You can get into a four-hour argument about the quickest way out of Sunninghill after work on a Friday, but can't find Boksburg on a map. 12. Prostitutes and the homeless are invisible. 13. You've seriously considered shooting someone. 14. You have more barbed wire around your home than Diepkloof Prison. 15. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression. 16. You consider a postage-stamp sized patch of grass a garden. 17. You consider Midrand the 'country-side' 18. You happily pay R3500.00 a month for a townhouse in the north the size of a cupboard, but think R2.50 for a loaf of bread is a disgrace. 19. The last time you visited the coast you paid more in accumulated speeding fines than you did for the entire holiday. 20. Your monthly car insurance is more than most of the people in SA's car repayments. 21. What are stars? 22. You own hiking boots and a 4WD, neither of which have ever touched dirt. 23. You actually take fashion seriously. 24. Being truly alone makes you 'go for your gun'. 25. You have 20 different menus next to your phone. 26. SA south of the Vaal is still theoretical to you. 27. You can carry R350 worth of groceries in one plastic bag. 28. You don't hear gunfire anymore. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Three men had a very late night drinking Guinness. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day, they all met for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks." The second guy said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!" The third guy proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with the wife, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!" The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first guy spoke out again, "Listen, guys, I don't think you understand... Chunks is my dog." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ 10. Top Ten Reasons Microsoft Named Its Win 98 Replacement "Windows Me" In a feat of logic far too lofty to unravel, Microsoft finally announced a name for the upcoming upgrade to Win 98. The winner: Windows Me, which stands for Windows Millennium Edition but is pronounced like, well, "Window Me." How did it come up with this bizarre name? We've got a few ideas: 1. "Windows, I" was just too ungrammatical. 2. It's really a word scramble. Apply complex code-breaking algorithms and you'll discover it means "Breakup? Hah!" 3. Bill fell in love with the shortened version, Win Me. 4. Curiously, Windows 2000 was already taken. 5. Hired the same product-naming firm that came up with 1995's Microsoft Bob. 6. For some strange reason, "@, the operating system formally known as Windows 98" was trademarked. 7. Makes it easier to name future versions of Windows: Windows Fa, Windows So, Windows La, Windows Ti... 8. "Les, the grinning OS" seemed a bit too personable. 9. Windows Moi was a bit much. 10. The inevitable "Hello, It's Me!" advertising campaign will be payback for all that iMac nonsense. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on Global Organized Crime; the author who introduces the story swears it's true. FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital... Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda. Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered? Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital. Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital? Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent. Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent? Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is. Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital? Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas. Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents? Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here? Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent? Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving. Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this? Agent: I have my checkbook right here. Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents? Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked. Pizza Man: I don't think so. ::: click ::: ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Famous last words: I'll get a world record for this. Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press. Hey there's no handles inside these car doors! Gee, that's a cute tattoo. Let's ask that group of basketball players for directions. It's fireproof. He's probably just hibernating. What does this button do? I'm making a citizen's arrest. Can we get a vision plan? So, you're a cannibal. It's probably just a rash. Why am I standing on a plastic sheet? Are you sure the power is off? Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it? No, my shoes aren't untied. The odds of that happening have to be a million to one! What duck? What do you mean, "I'll be back"? Why is the rest of the Star Trek landing party wearing a different colour? Pull the pin and count to what? Which wire was I supposed to cut? I wonder where the mother bear is. I've seen this done on TV. These are the good kind of mushrooms. I'll hold it and you light the fuse. What's that priest doing here? Let it down slowly. Rat poison only kills rats. I hope they speak English. OK, I'll go ahead and make your day. It can't possibly rain for forty days and nights. I'll get your toast out. Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town. It's strong enough for both of us. This doesn't taste right. I can make this light before it changes. Nice doggie. I can do that with my eyes closed. I've done this before. Well we've made it this far. That's odd. Hey that's not a violin. I'll just slip into the commuter lane for a second. You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you. OK this is the last time. Don't be so superstitious. Now watch this. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Die krokodil is spesiaal so laag gebou want hoe platter hoe swemmer. Voor aan die krokodil sit die kop. Die kop bestaan byna net uit tande. Agteraan die krokodil groei die stert. Tussen die kop en die stert sit die krokodil. 'n Krokodil sonder 'n stert noem ons 'n rotweiler. 'n Krokodil se lyf is oortrek met handsakmateriaal. Hy kan sy stert afgooi as hy skrik, maar dit gebeur nie sommer nie want 'n krokodil skrik vir niks. 'n Krokodil bly onder die water want as jy so lelik was, sou jy ook onder die water gebly het. Dit is goed dat 'n krokodil in die water bly want 'n mens skrik so groot as 'n krokodil jou vang dat hy jou eers moet afspoel voordat hy jou kan eet. 'n Krokodil is glad nie so gevaarlik soos mense s=EA nie, behalwe as hy jou bykom. Hoe langer hy jou byt, hoe seerder word dit. Baie ou krokodille suig hulle prooi dood. As jy hom eet, is hy 'n krokosatie. 'n Krokodil het nie geleer om met sy arms te swem nie nou gebruik hy sy stert. Die kleinboetie van die krokodil is die likkewaan. Die stadige sussie van die krokodil is die trapsuutjies. Die mooi broer van die krokodil is die daffodil. En dan het die krokodil nog 'n dooie boetie wat mens kan eet - die frikkidil. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want." The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed." The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents. "Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ "The attractive man I have been seeing for the past month insists he just wants to be friends." the girl told her coworker. "Now I know what to do with a lover, but, what the heck do I do with a 'friend'?" The wise lady smiled and said, "The same as with your lover, dear, only not quite so often." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed? Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose. On a more positive note though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ This was on the Leno show the other night (9-7-99): Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner told about her first date experience. She said it was snowing and cold and the guy took her skiing. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, and truly had never met before. The date went OK until they were coming back that afternoon.They were going along in the car and she had to pee real bad, but it was still about an hour or more back to civilization. He said she should try to hold it, and she did...for a while. It finally came to the point where she told him that he could either stop and let her pee beside the road, or in the front seat of his car. They stopped and she went out beside the car and pulled her pants down and started. Well, she didn't have real good balance, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. He was a real gentleman and looked the other way. When she was finished, she quickly noticed that her warm butt had stuck to the fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handle nightmares immediately came to mind and she soon realized that she had a real problem. She was thinking of every way she could to get released from his fender. He was getting a bit concerned too, and finally cried out to her asking if she was OK. Well, with a red face, she said she was freezing her butt off! She finally had to ask for assistance. Now this isn't the worst of the story, there's more to come. She took off her sweater and covered herself as good as she could and asked him to came around to see if he could help. After the laughter subsided, they assessed the situation. They had a real problem. They agreed that they needed something warm to melt her butt off of the fender. Thinking about the pee that she just sprinkled on the ground made her think that pee is about the only thing that they had that could get her free. Well, after exploring every other possible solution, she looked the other way, and so did he, and proceeded unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. The rest of the trip home there wasn't much conversation. True story. (Talk about BREAKING THE ICE!!!) ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?" "There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation had been a failure." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ This apparently is an exact recount of US National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy scout Troop visiting his military installation. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?" GENERAL REINWALD: 'We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting." FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?" GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range." FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?" GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper rifle range discipline before they even touch a firearm." FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers." GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?" The radio went silent and the interview ended. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells extra-large condoms. He replies, "Yes, we do. Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ In school one day the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about materials. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world what would it be?" Little Richie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher nodded and called on little Susie Marie. Little Susie said "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette" The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone." The teacher said, "Why Johnny?" He responded by saying, "because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: A weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good looking and athletic; but, the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt. "Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if..." The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father." The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A few days before his proctological exam, a one-eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed his instructions, undressed and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's butt was that glass eye staring right back at him! "You know," said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A gay man is in a bar, on all fours, trying to pick up some money he dropped. A big bouncer says, "Hey, you! Move it or I'll give you a foot up the ass!" The gay man looks around and says, "I think you're just bragging, but I'm game if you are." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world I did today?" "Yes," was his incredulous reply. She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Two television actors feigned friendship but secretly hated each other's guts and took great pleasure in giving one another the needle on any and all occasions. This particular evening they met, quite by accident, at a popular bar just off Broadway. The conversation started innocently enough; then one, with sudden inspiration, ran his hand over the other's bald head and exclaimed, 'By God, Fred, that feels just like my wife's ass!' The other ran his own hand over his head and nonchalantly retorted, 'Well, I'll be damned, Jim, so it does, so it does!' ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ There were two guys sitting in a bar, and one of them was worried about going home because his wife was going to be mad. The other guy told him not to worry and outlined his "never fail" plan. You go home, slip off your clothes, slip into bed, and perform oral sex on your wife. Then you get up and go to the bathroom and then slip back in bed. She'll think that you have been there all night. So the guy goes home and does exactly what his buddy said. He slips off his clothes, climbs into bed and performs oral sex, and when he's done, he gets up and goes into the bathroom to wash up. To his surprise, there's his wife sitting on the toilet. He says" WHAT THE HELL!!!" ...and she says "SHHHH, be quiet... Mom's spending the night." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull. She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull. "It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it." She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: "Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer." The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $.75 per word." She thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please." "And what word would that be?" inquires the man. "Comfortable." replies the brunette. The man asks, "I'm sorry Miss, but how is your friend gonna understand this telegram?" The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow, when she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A Jewish family is considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Jewish facilities are completely full so they have to put him in a Catholic home. After a few weeks in the Catholic facility they come to visit grandpa. "How do you like it here?" asks the grandson. "It's wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa. "We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you." "Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'! And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'! And me, I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still call me the fucking Jew." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Why Men Stand And Pee Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations. So, he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability". Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to! Please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm out working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly! It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh, please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please!!" On and on he went, like an excited little boy who well,... had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so, Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his micturation while in a vertical position. He was so happy, he celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good. "Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "What's left in here?" "Oh yes," he said, "Multiple orgasms..." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Written by Danny Dutton, age 8, from Chula Vista, California, for his third grade homework assignment to "Explain God". It's a whole new perspective. "One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die so there will be enough people to take care of things here on earth. He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way, he doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers. God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV on account of this. Since He hears everything, not only prayers, there must be a terrible lot of noise in His Ears, unless. He has thought of a way to turn it off. God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere, which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your parent's head asking for something they said you couldn't have. Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church. Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him. But He was good and kind like His Father and He told His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said OK. His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore, He could stay in heaven. So He did. And now he helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important, of course. You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to hear you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the times. You should always go to Church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God. Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong! And, besides, the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway. If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared in the dark or when you can't swim very good and get thrown into real deep water by big kids. But you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases. And that's why I believe in God." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Here's a little quiz: 20 Correct - Genius 17 Correct - Above Normal 15 Correct - Normal 8 Correct - Nincompoop 6 Correct - Moron 3 Correct - Idiot 1. Do they have a 4th of July in England? 2. How many birthdays does the average man have? 3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28? 4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's sister, but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come? 5. Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada? 6. How many outs are there in an inning? 7. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? Why? 8. Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same number of games. There are not ties. Explain this. 9. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer? 10. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have southern exposure. A big bear walks by, what color is the bear? Why? 11. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have? 12. I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What are the coins? 13. If you have only one match and you walked into a room where there was an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which one would you light first? 14. How far can a dog run into the woods? 15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How long would the pills last? 16. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left? 17. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark? 18. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What does he weigh? 19. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen? 20. What was the president's name in 1950? Answers 1. Yes 2. One 3. All of them (12) 4. The beggar is her sister. 5. He can't be buried if he isn't dead. 6. 6 7. No - because he is dead. 8. They aren't playing each other. 9. 70 10. White. The house is at the North Pole so it is a polar bear. 11. 2 12. 50 cent piece and a nickel. (The other one is a nickel) 13. The match. 14. Half way. Then he is running out of the woods. 15. 1 Hour 16. 9 17. None - Noah took them on the ark. 18. Meat 19. 12 20. Same as it is now. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers 20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows. 19. Fetch command not available on all platforms. 18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side. 17. Too difficult to "mark" every web site they visit. 16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail." 15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating. 14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working. 13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee. 12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver. 11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging. 10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb. 9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome 8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand... 7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software. 6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test. 5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question! 4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver. 3. Annoyed by lack of news groups, alt.pictures.master's.leg. 2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms. and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers... 1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. * ( * 1. Too Damn Hard To Type With Paws. ) ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Corporate Zodiac Astrology tells us about people and their future by their time, date and location of birth. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of a person's birth. Demographics tell us what others like, dislike, whom they voted for, as well as what they buy and what they watch on television. The Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by an individual's job title, people can pretty much learn about an employee's hidden personality traits. MARKETING: You are ambitious, yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing - which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales. SALES: Laziest of all the Corporate Signs, often referred to as a "marketer without a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid all contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game, clothes, car and sex appeal throughout your career. CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service". Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager. TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Typically you went to a trade school because you didn't have time for all that "crap" required in college. Often, even you don't understand what the hell you're saying, but no one else except the engineers knows anyway. It is written that the Geeks shall inherit the Earth, but the Senior Managers keep contesting the will. ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that sixty percent of all the people on the Internet are either engineers, or wish they were one. You can be happy with yourself and the latest technology in your field. Your office is typically full of all the latest gadgets, catalogs and half finished spec sheets. ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of your co-workers are convinced that you are completely without feeling or emotion. You are often caught in the restroom, practicing your frown in the mirror. HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter! Your favorite expression is: "Now don't say anything, but..." MID-LEVEL MANAGERS/ DEPARTMENT HEADS/ TEAM LEADERS: Catty, cut-throat, and ambitious, but... you are probably destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life unless a Senior Manager dies or retires. You tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself and the number of subordinates you can con into sleeping with you. Best suited to date/marry other Middle Managers, as everyone in your social circle must be at least a Middle Manager for appearance's sake. SENIOR MANAGERS: You enjoy appearing to be the ultimate authority figure but actually, you are completely spineless, and determined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life, unless the head of your organization dies or retires. Unable to make a single decision, you tend to measure your worth by the number of Mid-Level Managers you can harass on any given day and insure that your office is the largest in the building. Best suited to date/marry other Senior Managers, as everyone in your social circle is a Senior Manager; besides, no one else would have you anyway. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ "All I Ever Needed To Know I Learned At Melrose Place" 1.All women are size 4 or smaller. 2.There is only one bar in Los Angeles (Shooters). 3.All men are seducible if they are straight. 4.Gay couples rarely kiss..., and if they do it's reported by the major networks. 5.No one ever dies from being sick/shot/blown-up once their picture appears in the opening credits. 6.All physicians are also trained psychiatrists. 7.Most people will forgive you for trying to kill them (Michael tried to kill Sydney, Sydney and Kimberly tried to kill Michael, Amanda and Bobby Parezi, Peter tried to kill Amanda, Kimberly tried to kill the whole cast). 8.In medicine, you can work your way up the ladder from resident to chief of staff in 2 seasons. 9.In advertising, you can work your way up the ladder from receptionist to VP in 2 episodes. 10.You don't need to be legally sane to practice medicine. 11.You can be a god-awful fashion designer (Jane) and a Harvard MBA (Richard) will still hire you. 12.If you crush your wrist in a waffle iron, you only need an ACE bandage. 13.When you are totally bald, it only takes a month to grow your hair back to shoulder length. 14.When the highlight of your week is the "scenes for next week", it's time to go out and get a life. 15.You can afford designer fashions on the salary of a receptionist at a doctor's office. 16.You can fall off a ten-story building and emerge unscathed as long as you fall on top of another body. (Even if you were shot in the chest at point blank range two weeks earlier.) 17.Once you sleep with one sibling, you'll sleep with every other sibling (Jo/Jake/Jess, Michael/Sydney/Jane, Australian Guy/Sydney/Jane). 18.If a bomb explodes in a building, the only person to die will be the person who has visited the building least often. 19.You can become a psychiatric resident at a major hospital within one month after your release from a mental hospital. 20.Once a mother gives her baby up for adoption, she never thinks about it again. 21.A lifetime of trauma over childhood sexual abuse can not be cured by therapy,but by embarrassing your father at a barbecue. 22.There are no Latinos or Asians in Los Angeles. 23.Chemotherapy does not cause you to lose your hair if you let your roots show after bleachng it. 24.And the most important lesson: Acting talent is not genetic; even if your sister is an Academy Award nominee, you can still be the worst actor on television. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Natural selection: Robbers ========================= A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record store, waving their revolvers in the air. One yelled "NOBODY MOVES!!" His partner moved, so ... he shot him. "I [was] a little nervous," he was quoted as saying. --- At a local mom-and-pop convenience store in Las Vegas, a drunk felon-type walked in and started waving a gun. For quite some time he terrorized the elderly owner who was standing behind the counter. While he was so involved, a woman who had been playing slots slipped out of the store, walked to her car and called 911 to report the incident. While she was still on the phone, the police (five cars) came screeching up. By this time our would-be Jesse James had robbed the old man and was walking toward his car. The gun was still in full view, by the way. The police took cover behind a car, drew their weapons, and ordered the felon to stop. He did not look at them (apparently with the idea that if he didn't acknowledge them, they'd go away) and continued on toward his car. When he got to his car, he discovered an unfortunate thing. His car was running, his lights were on, his doors were locked, and his keys were in the ignition. He decided at that time that he'd just mosey away from the scene. The cops were still yelling at him to stop and drop the gun, by the way. He stopped in front of a solid concrete wall (big mistake) and fired two shots in the general direction of the officers. Five of the six officers emptied their guns into our crook. One officer did not, because he had an elk hunting trip to Idaho for which he had already paid, and knew that if he fired his gun, he'd be on administrative leave. (That meant that he would not be allowed to leave the area.) The crook's family failed in their attempt to sue the police, by the way. --- SUBJ: How NOT To Rob A Bank -- The Adventure Continues Excerpted from The Washington Post, June 4, 1997, page B03; story by Brooke A. Masters, Washington Post staff writer So you want to rob a bank. Here's how not to do it: Don't walk barefaced into the bank. Don't rob a bank at the same U.S. Army post where you work. And above all, don't go back to the same bank, talk to the same teller and try to deposit the same bills into your own account. Daniel Christian Bowden, a 20-year-old military policeman at Fort Belvoir, stands accused of ignoring all those rules. He was arrested at the Fort Belvoir Federal Credit Union on Monday afternoon after a teller there thought she recognized him as the man who had stolen $4,759 at her window May 21, according to an FBI affidavit filed yesterday in federal court in Alexandria. The teller who had been robbed motioned Bowden over to her window, according to the affidavit and credit union officials. "She felt if she could hear him speak and look into his eyes, she could identify him," said Patty Kimmel, credit union chief executive officer. Bowden said he wanted to wire $2,900 to his home state of Texas, and he pushed a pile of money over the counter for deposit in his account, the affidavit said. The teller then took the money into the back room and began comparing the serial numbers with those of bills taken 12 days earlier. The first two $5 bills matched, and the credit union called the military police, the affidavit said. When the Fort Belvoir MPs arrived, they were in for a shock. Bowden, a private, is one of their own and has had FBI training on handling bank robberies, law enforcement officials said. --- SUBJ: Perfect Heist: Quick, Clean, No Paperwork or Drawn-Out Trial Excerpted from The Seattle Times, February 4, 1990 On February 3, 1990, David Zaback, 33 - a Renton (Seattle area) man - tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by his lack of a record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choice: 1.The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop; 2.The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial fraction of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places; 3.To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked King County Police patrol car parked at the front door; 4.An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt. The officer was Timothy Lally, 49, an 18-year veteran of the force. The clerk was Danny Morris. --- A young man decided to blackmail a well-known supermarket chain by threatening to contaminate the foods on sale there. He sent a note demanding 30,000 pounds to be paid into his bank account and provided, (just to make sure that they got the right amount into the right account) his bank account number. Not surprisingly he was soon caught and convicted. --- A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stick up note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left the Wells Fargo. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of America. --- Excerpted from The Davis (CA) Enterprise, Aug 3, 1997 A Davis man who allegedly stole another man's vehicle was arrested Friday when he went to the car owner's house and demanded his personal items from the car. David Joseph Carrozzo, 19, allegedly stole a 1986 Honda Civic on July 18 from the Amtrak parking lot, 840 Second St. The owner reported it missing the next day, and on July 20, a Davis police officer found it at West Manor Park. A teenage boy nearby admitted to knowing who had stolen the car, but would not reveal the name, so the officer returned the car to the owner. Then, on Friday, Carrozzo appeared at the owner's house demanding his property back. Instead, the owner called police, who arrested Carrozzo on suspicion of stealing the car. He was lodged at Yolo County Jail. The teenager was also arrested, but police released him to his father. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN ONLINE TOO LONG IF.... -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- 1. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help 2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL" out loud. 3. You find yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees when you smile. 4. You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other. 5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out". 6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. 7. If you are male and see a female in the "Real" world that you wish to meet, your first thought is to IM her. 8. If you are female and you see a male in the "Real" world that you wish to meet, your first thought is that you wish he'd IM you. 9. You don't understand the humor in the above mentioned #7 and #8 since the "real" world is at your fingertips. 10. You have to get a 2nd phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut. 11. When you have sex, you no longer are concerned about sexually transmitted diseases. 12. You walk into a room, and, finding that it has more than 23 people, you inform management that there is an error. 13. When looking at signs, you wonder why they are always "yelling"at you. 14. You go up to people you are attracted to "in real life" and ask them for their GIF. 15. Although you don't know what they look like, you become insanely jealous of people hitting on your cyber-love. 16. You don't even know what your cyber-love looks like. 17. When at work, your boss constantly reminds you that the word i should be capitalized. 18. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on. 19. Your spouse now complains of you moving your fingers in your sleep instead of talking. 20. Your kids are eating cereal morning, noon, and night. 21. When someone says, "What did you say?" you reply, "Scroll up!" 22. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep. 23. You turn down the lights and close the blinds so people won't know you're on-line again. 24. You know more about your AOL friends' daily routines than you do your own spouse's. 25. You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line and when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook. 26. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to your own. 27. You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much than the truth (online all night). 28. You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your own profile to see who you are. 29. You go into labor and you stop to type a special E-mail to let everyone know you're going to be away and how you're feeling. 30. You marry your cyberboyfriend/girlfriend and you both sit at your own computers and chat to each other every night from across the room. 31. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time. 32. You understand the humor in all of these jokes because you have committed them yourself! 33. Your dog leaves you. 34. You are doing things more and more that you swore you would never do when you first go online. 35. You sign on and immediately get 10 IMs from people who have you on their buddy/contact list. 36. You have a map on the wall w/ LOTS of red thumbtacks to mark where people are you have met. 37. You look at an annoying person off-line and wish you had your ignore button handy. 38. You bring a bag lunch and a cooler to the computer. 39. Your significant other kisses your neck while you're chatting & you think "uh oh, cyber sex perv". 40. You go thru "withdrawal" if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours. 41. Your buddy/contact list has over 100 people on it. 42. You understand what BIF ISO BIM means... 43. You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online before you have your first cup of coffee. 44. You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake. 45. You have your computer set so it goes directly into AOL's welcome screen. 46. You wait 6 hours online for a certain "special" person to come home from work. 47. You don't know where the time has gone. 48. You end sentences with 3 (or more) periods while writing letters by hand. 49. Your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have had. 50. You get up at 2 am to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer instead. 51. You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo. 52. You enter a room and 23 people greet you w/ {{hugs}} or**kisses**. 53. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme. 54. Your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your/n and will TTYL". 55. You type faster than you think. 56. You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL too and are now undergoing therapy in private rooms instead of at his office. 57. You want to be buried with your computer when it dies or viceversa. 58. You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ "Helicopter Crash" In Virginia a helicopter was cruising fast at tree top level when the engine quit, too low to auto-rotate, the helicopter plunged into a small lake where three boys happened to be fishing. The boys who were at the lake saw the whole thing happen. They swan to the site of the crash, looked in the wreckage and saw that the pilot and copilot were both dead. The lone passenger was unconscious and barely alive. They pulled him out, took him to shore, and gave him artificial respiration - saving his life. Within a few minutes there were several helicopters circling the area and one of them landed. A guy got out who seemed to be in charge and came up to the boys, he congratulated them for saving President Clinton! "Boys," said the man, "you just saved the leader of our country! You each deserve a reward. You name it, and I'll give it to you." The first boy said, "I really want a pair of Nike Air Jordan's." The man replied, "Michael Jordan is a close personal friend of mine. I'll get everyone in your family 10 pairs of Nike's each." The second boy said, "I'd like to go to Disneyland." The man said, "I know Michael Eisner very well. I'll see that your entire family has an all expense paid trip to Disneyland." The man turns to the third boy and asked what he would like. The boy answered saying, "I'd like a mahogany wood coffin, bagpipe music and a fly over by the Thunderbirds at my funeral service." "Funeral service?" asked the puzzled man. "What in the world are you talking about?" The kid replied "When my father finds out who I saved he's going to kill me!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ *** Viagra inspires spring/summer fashion designs PARIS (Reuters) - Viagra hit the French market just when barely-clad young models paraded down the Paris catwalks, and at least one fashion designer put two and two together. At the house of Leonard's ready-to-wear show, Daniel Tribouillard feted his 40 years in fashion Sunday by baptizing a new shade, "Viagra blue," the color of the diamond shaped erectile pill taking the world by storm. That lavender blue, often strewn with vivid jungle flowers, stood out among his bright jeans with daring tops and vivid floral chiffons, just the thing for Riviera matrons seeking rejuvenation. [Hmmm, I guess this had to happen sooner or later?] ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ What Every Young Girl Should Know - What Kind of Man Makes the Best Lover? Unfortunately, many men who seem attractive on the surface are actually strongly homosexual, often without even knowing it. Men with lean waists, overdeveloped chests, arms and clean skin are actually unconsciously obsessed by male bodies. You should stay far away from men who are athletes or rock stars, and men who feel compelled to dress in fancy suits with clean shirts and polished shoes. These "men" often have a compulsion to spend money on sumptuous meals, taxicabs, and expensive trinkets to compensate for their affliction. Experienced, self-confident lovers, the kind you want, don't need to alter the natural contours of their bodies. They are content with slender arms, relaxed chests, and waists with a comfortable amount of flesh, which can come in handy during moments of intimacy (why do you think they call them "love handles"?) One other tip: Married men can be depended on not to cause embarrassing rumors about you at home or school. Men on short business trips are discreet, grateful, and particularly driven by passion. Look for them! HOW..."BIG"...SHOULD A MAN BE? Don't by shy. It's an important question, and one surrounded by confusion. The average man's penis is 2 1/2 to 3 inches long. Men substantially larger than this must often undergo painful surgery to cure their condition. In thickness, the average man is somewhat larger than a ball-point pen. HOW..."LONG"...SHOULD A MAN LAST? Some men can prolong the sex act beyond the once-imponderable thirty-second barrier; intercourse with an experienced man can go for up to forty-five seconds. Once in a long while, you'll find a man who can "last" as long as a minute. Whatever you do, don't let your girlfriends know you've landed one of these desirable "sixty second wonders." HOW DO I KNOW IF I'M HAVING AN ORGASM? The female orgasm is a sensation that's very hard to put into words, but most fulfilled, experienced women agrees that it "feels like something inside of you." When a man's penis is inside your vagina, or mouth or buttocks, that is an orgasm. You'll find a really skilled lover applies the same techniques to love as a gourmet does to a meal; he "leaves a little something on your plate." When, after intercourse, you feel a vague sensation that there could be "more to come," that "vaguely unsatisfied" feeling," then you can be sure you've experienced a sexually memorable adventure. WHAT IS A MULTIPLE ORGASM? There is no such thing. WHAT ABOUT ORAL SEX? This is one of the most significant differences between the sexes. If you look at pictures of a man and a woman, you'll see the a man's penis fits naturally into a woman's mouth. On the other hand, a man's mouth does not naturally fit into a woman's vagina. Thus, a woman orally stimulating a man is performing a "natural" act. But a man seeking to put his mouth on or near your vagina is committing an "unnatural" act (why do you think they call the vagina your "private parts"?) WHAT IS AFTERPLAY? Men have ways of expressing their satisfaction. His satisfied sigh, followed by a deep, consuming sleep, is a sure sign that he, and you are "GIB." Another example of male "afterplay" is his turning on a football or basketball game immediately after climax. Many women find a particularly satisfying postcoital experience in going into the kitchen and bringing a nice, cold beer for the man, along with a light snack, sandwich, potato chips and dip, to help her love put back depleted calories. WHAT IS IMPOTENCE? Impotence is what happens when a girl fails to stimulate her man properly. This can happen when her figure is not perfect, or when she tries to talk with him for too long before getting into bed with him. If this happens, you can help by turning on a sports event on TV or getting your man a sandwich. Another really good "foreplay" technique is to invite a really good-looking girl friend over, and do whatever he asks, to him or to each other, while he watches. HOW CAN I KEEP THE MYSTERY ALIVE? One good way to keep things from becoming routine is to vary your dress. Garter belts, black mesh stocking, leather or rubber suits will all help get your man's attention. Also, don't keep playing "one on one." Invite your more attractive and energetic girl friends over to take part. Another technique, and we think the best, is to use anonymous names. Have your lover call himself "Mr. Smith." Don't let him tell you where he lives, or his home telephone number. You'll find it lends an air of real "mystery" to the affair. HOW CAN I MEET REAL MEN? When looking for the ideal man, about twenty-five to fifty, married, on a business trip, with enough flab to assure you of his masculinity, go to a 'local' about 8:30 at night. Look around the bar, then, when you've found your man, unbutton the top three or four buttons on your blouse, wink at him, walk over and whisper in his ear, "You're cute, can I buy you a drink?" This is a real conversation icebreaker and things will naturally progress from here. SOME OTHER IMPORTANT QUESTIONS: "If I get pregnant, how do I know who the father is?" There is absolutely no way to tell. "What's the best way to keep my teeth and skin looking healthy and shiny?" One of the best and most frequently neglected substances is semen. The more you can somehow get on your teeth and skin, the better you'll look. "What are some "loving nicknames" we can use?" You should always call him, "Mr. Smith." You can also call him, "King Kong," "Master," or "stud." Men often call their favorite lovers, "Hey you" or "Uh, Miss?" "Where should a man take me?" Because so many homosexual men like to take their "dates" out for fancy meals, look for the man who will send you out to KFC or McDonalds for a snack. That means his mind is not on food, so you know what he's thinking about. "What happens if he doesn't call?" He may be trying to keep the romance alive; go out every few weeks to your 'local' and look to see if he's come back. If he doesn't, find another person who sort of looks like him and maybe write or works for a humor magazine, then try the "Can I buy you a drink?" technique with him. You may find you've met a new, exciting lover. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of "Good Nights" she went upstairs. Immediately all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each others shoulders beneath Snow White's bedroom window. Tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the only one who could see in the window it was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was doing. After a minute or two he hollered down, "She's taking off her blouse!" and this was echoed down the stack "taking off her blouse," "she's taking off her blouse," "blouse is coming off," "taking off her blouse,"etc. Next Grumpy yelled, "She's taking off her skirt," which was followed by the echoes "taking off her skirt," "she's taking off her skirt," "skirt's coming off," "taking off her skirt," etc. Of course the next line from Grumpy was, "She's taking off her bra!" and the echo chorus went down the line. Then, "She's taking off her panties!" which again cascaded down the dwarf tower. Finally Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw someone coming through the woods so he yelled, "Someone's coming!" and from the next dwarf to the bottom dwarf was heard, "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Q: What's white and slides down bathroom walls? A: George Michael's latest release!! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A man decides to have a party and invites lots of people, telling them to bring their friends. On the invitation he puts "Theme Party Come as a Human Emotion". On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" and the guy says, "I'm green with envy". The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink". A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped round her most intimate parts. He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" And she replies, "I'm tickled pink". The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party". A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two guys from Jamaica, stark naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and the other with his penis stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, "Guys, what the hell are you doing? You could get arrested for standing like that out here in the street. What emotion is this supposed to be?" The first guy replies, "Well, I'm fuckin' discustid, and my friend here has come in dispair."! ! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ University's Student center Bathrooms: "If you see four feet instead of two under the bathroom door, please notify it immediately to the University Police." Seen on a truck: "I am as smart as a horse and hung like Einstein!" Red light district in Galvaston Texas. The light was on but the ladies were not home. A sign on their door read: "Closed for the weekend, beat it." In the hallway of a High School in New Jersey "Our School: Commitment Responsibility Attitude Persistance." Road sign in Roosevelt, Utah: "Rest Area Next Right" - the next right leads a person right into to a cemetery. A sign in the local opportunity shop says, "If you're going to steal, then smile for the camera." While stopped at an intersection I noticed a man standing on the corner in front of a Burger King. He was holding a sign that read "Will work for food." If he had only looked up, he would have noticed that the Burger King sign directly above him read "Now hiring." A sign on the backbar- Earl's Bar-Indiana "A wise monkey never monkeys with another monkey's monkey." At an office: "This job is only a test had it been an actual job, you would have recieved raises,bonses and promotions." SEEN ON A BILBOARD ALONG A HIGHWAY: "Caution: objects in the mirror may have flunked drivers ed." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn. "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off our car!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Anti Valentine's Day Poem What the hell is all that shit for? People get mushy and start acting queer, Its definitely the most annoying day of the year. This day needs to get the hell over and pass, Before I shove a dozen roses up cupid's ass. I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak, And wear all black for the rest of the week. Guys act all sweet but soon it will fade, For all they are doing is trying to get laid. The arrow cupid shot must not have hit, Because I think love is a crock of shit!!!! So, here's my story....what else can I say? Love bites my ass....FUCK Valentine's Day !!!!!!!!! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Rejected Hallmark Cards 1) So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day Look at the bright side, She's a really good lay! 2) My tire was thumping I thought it was flat when I loooked at the tire I noticed your cat. Sorry! 3) You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends. 4) You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff! 5) Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I had mine I got real snippy! 6) Heard your wife left you How upset you must be But don't fret about it She moved in with me! 7) Your computer is dead it was once so alive, Don't you regret installing Windows '95? 8) You totaled your car and can't remember why could it have been that case of Bud Dry? ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Old Father Moses was sitting on a rock shaking and waving his big hairy fist at the people who walked by the shore. Along came a young lady that looked like a pretty decent young girl but walked like a duck. She said she'd invented a new way to sow and to knit; while the boys in the farmyard were shovelling coal from the heap onto the fire and old farmer Andy was pulling his horse from the stable out to go hunt. His lovely young daughter was powdering her nose while singing this song, and if thought it was dirty you're bloody well wrong! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Peanuts Specials for Kids of the 90s: We learn about VD in: "It Burns When I Pee, Charlie Brown" Charlie and the little red-headed girl learn about unwanted pregnancy in: "I'm Starting To Show, Charlie Brown" Is Linus gay? "It's A Different Kind Of Love, Charlie Brown" Charlie moves back to his house in East L.A. in: "Oye Vato! Que Pasa, Carlito Moreno?" See how the Peanuts gang deals with date rape in: "No Means No, Charlie Brown!" Franklin speaks! The Peanuts gang gets a lesson in Ebonics in: "Imo Busta Cap In Yo Ass, Charlie Brown" What goes on in the mind of a serial killer? Discover the inner workings of Pig Pen's twisted psyche and meet his murderous alter ego, "Mr. Clean" in: "God Told Me To Do It, Charlie Brown" Schroder teaches the gang about getting high in: "Roll Us A Fat One, Charlie Brown" Charlie Brown peddles his body for crack money while stealing social security checks and stripping cars in: "Go Blame Society, Charlie Brown" Peppermint Patty 'goes to town' on Marcie in: "Who Needs Men, Charlie Brown?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers, therefore, a list of TRY SAYING new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees. TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: When the fuck do you expect me to do this? TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible. INSTEAD OF: No fucking way. TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me. TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with ... INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit. TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit. TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in that project. INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem. TRY SAYING: That's interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?!?! TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this. INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, it won't work. TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner? TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem? INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck cares? ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin's penis was twisted like a corkscrew. "Wow," Gary said. "I've never seen one like that before." "Like what?" Martin said. "All twisted like a pig's tail," Gary said. "Well, what's yours like?" Martin said. "Straight, like normal," Gary said. "I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Martin said. Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants. "What did you do that for?" Martin said. "Shaking off the excess drops," Gary said. "Like normal." "&%$#@ !," Martin said. "And all these years I've been wringing it." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ THE MORNING SONG.... FOR NON-MORNING PEOPLE I woke early one morning, The earth lay cool and still. When suddenly a tiny bird, Perch on my window sill. He sang a song so lovely, So carefree and so gay. That slowly all my troubles, Began to slip away. He sang of far off places, Of laughter and of fun. It seemed his very trilling, Brought up the morning sun. I stirred beneath the covers, Crept slowly out of bed. And gently lowered the window, And crushed his fucking head. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Gun Shop Owner: "Hi, How can I help you?" Redneck Guy: "I'm lookin' for a gun." Owner: "What kind of gun are you lookin' for?" Redneck Guy (pointing at the biggest handgun in the case): "That one looks about right." Owner (very surprised): " Why do you need a .44 magnum?" Redneck Guy: "It's for shootin' at cans." Owner (pointing at a small handgun): "Well, this is the perfect size for shooting at cans." Redneck Guy (pointing again at the .44): "Nah, I need this one." Owner: "OK, what kinda cans are you shooting at?" Redneck Guy: "Mexi-cans.......Puerto Ri-cans........Afri-cans " ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ HOW MANY OFFICIAL LANGUAGES? JAWELNOFINE! -- A survival guide for visitors to South Africa -- (You better read this, hey?) What is a braai? It is the first thing you will be invited to when you visit South Africa. A braai is a backyard barbecue and it will take place whatever the weather. So you will have to go even if it's raining like mad and hang of a cold. At a braai you will be introduced to a substance known as mealiepap. Read further for an explanation of "pap". Now that you know what a braai is, here are some other words and phrases you will encounter in South Africa, used by folk of all persuasions, genders and ethnic adherences. You do need to know what they mean. Really. Ag. This is one of the most useful South African words. Pronounced like the "ach" in the German "achtung", it can be used to start a reply when you are asked a tricky question, as in: "Ag, I don't know". Or a sense of resignation: "Ag, I'll have some more pap then". It can stand alone too as a signal of irritation or of pleasure. Biltong. Similar to jerky, it is dried, salted meat and can be made from beef, ostrich, antelope or anything that was once alive and fairly large. It is usual for expatriate South Africans to say: "What I really miss is my biltong, man". Bioscope. Pronounced "byscope", its use is going out of fashion and in some urban areas, regrettably, it is being replaced by "movies" and "flicks". Sometimes it is reduced to "bio" or "scopes". But you may still be asked if you would like to go to the byscope. Blooming. Pronounced "blimming", it is roughly equivalent to "helluva", as in: "Ag, that pap I had at the braai made me blooming sick". For emphasis, "blooming" can be replaced by "bladdy" which, in turn, is a corruption of the Australian "bloody". Cafe. This is the generic term for convenience stores and is pronounced "caff" or "cayf". Traditionally operated by people of Portuguese, Greek or Asian ancestry, it is a good place to buy smokes, biltong or the Alka Seltzer you will need after trying pap at the braai. Cape Doctor. Older residents of Cape Town give this name to the south-easter which blows in summer months, usually forming a flat, rolling cloud over Table Mountain - the "table cloth" - and sometimes shutting down harbour operations. It was called the Cape Doctor because old-timers said it blew all of the city's bad air out to sea along with accumulated street garbage, discarded newspapers and suchlike. Dirtbin. Self-explanatory, this is a garbage can. It is also called a "rubbish bin". If you refer to rubbish as "garbage" you will be considered blooming pretentious. Doll. A term of affection between males and females, it is used mostly in the Johannesburg area. A corrupted form of "darling", it will be heard thus: "Your turn to take out the dirtbin, Doll". "But I took it out the last time, Doll". "Well take the bladdy thing out again, Doll". Donner. A rude word, it comes from the Afrikaans "donder" (thunder). Pronounced "dorner", it means "beat up". "Your rugby team can get donnered in a game, or your boss can donner you if you do a lousy job." Dummy. If you find yourself in the company of a couple with a baby and the woman says, "pass me the dummy," she is not necessarily asking that you bring her husband to her. She is referring to the rubber, nipple-like thing they stick in babies' mouths to shut them up. A dummy is a pacifier. Eina. Widely used by all language groups, this word, derived from the Afrikaans, means "ouch". Pronounced "aynah", you can shout it out in sympathy when someone burns his finger on a hot potato at a braai. Fixed up. This means "good". An example is this exchange: "You don't have to take the dirtbin out, Doll; I took it already". "Fixed up, Doll". Gogga. This is an insect, a bug, and all three of the g's are pronounced as though you are about to spit. South Africa is rich in goggas, some of them cute - like the harmless mantis and the intriguing stick insect - but others are disgraceful. The cockroach is the most disgraceful, especially when they fly. Natal has some monsters which could challenge Florida roaches any day. In its early days, the country's state-run TV service earned the enmity of viewers by scheduling a documentary on cockroaches at a time when millions of South Africans were sitting down in front of their sets with their Sunday evening meals on their laps. A highlight was how to dissect a cockroach. It did not go down well with the Sunday lunch leftovers. A disected cockroach is even more disgraceful than a whole one. Guava. Everybody knows that a guava is a fruit - and a bladdy lekker one too. It is especially nice stewed and served cold with smooth custard, as lots of boarding school students will affirm. Guava juice is refreshing at breakfast. But in South Africa a guava is also a backside, a butt, a bum. If someone is behaving in an annoying manner, you can threaten to "skop (kick) him up his guava". But it is inappropriate and politically incorrect to issue this warning to someone who is not a good friend. It will be taken amiss. Also, it is not polite to laugh if the Cape Doctor bowls a stranger over on to his or her guava. Hang of. This is the same as the American "heck of", as in: "I have a hang of a headache" or "I had a hang of a good time at the braai". Hap. Pronounced "hup", this means "bite" and is used in the following fashion: "Give me a hap of your apple. Ag, please". Isit? This is a great word in conversations. Derived from the two words "is" and "it", it can be used when you have nothing to contribute if someone tells you at the braai: "The Russians will succeed in their bid for capitalism once they adopt a work ethic and respect for private ownership". It is appropriate to respond by saying: "Isit?" Jawelnofine. This is another conversation fall-back word. Derived from the four words "yes", "well", "no" and "fine", it means roughly "how about that". If your bank manager tells you your account is overdrawn, you can say with confidence: "jawelnofine". Jislaaik. Pronounced "Yis-like", it is an expression of astonishment. For instance, if someone tells you there are a billion people in China, a suitable comment is: "Jislaaik, that's a hang of a lot of people, hey". Just now. Universally used, it means "eventually" and sometimes "never". If someone says he will do something "just now" it could be in 10 minutes or tomorrow. Or maybe he won't do it at all. Lekker. (Pronounced Lacquer) An Afrikaans word meaning nice, this word is used by all language groups to express approval. If you see someone of the opposite sex who is good-looking, you can exclaim: "Lekkerrr!" while drawing out the last syllable. But that use is now thought politically incorrect in some areas. Lappie. A lappie (pronounced "luppy") is a cloth, a rag, used to wipe up a mess. You will find it in a machine shop to clean up oil spills, in a bar to wipe away spilled beer, or in the nursery where a baby who is munching a rusk (a hard biscuit found in every household) needs its face and hands hosed down and lappied every three minutes. All babies look like Winston Churchill and all smell of rusks. Make A Plan. You will hear this good old South African phrase quite a lot. It means things might be screwed right now but we'll think of something just now. If you miss the bus to the airport, the hotel receptionist may say, "Don't worry man - we'll make a plan". If that plan includes the hiring of a taxi, you may want to think twice about it. Marmite. Contrary to American disinformation, Marmite is not discarded axle grease. Bought in small glass jars at supermarkets and cafes, Marmite is a salty vegetable extract and is the S.A. answer to peanut butter (American), or Vegimite (Australian). Generations have grown up with it on their school sarmies and, in turn, have inflicted it on their own children. This process has been going on for so long now, Marmite has become unstoppable. No. This word has many meanings in South Africa other than the opposite of "yes". Your host at the braai is likely to say: "No, I see your plate is empty. You want some more pap?". Another example; if the clerk in a shoe shop asks if she can help, you may reply: "No, I'm looking for some tackies". This means: "Yes, I'm looking for some tackies". Oke. (Pronounced Oak) A "guy" or "chap" or "bloke". If you quite like someone you can say: "Ag, he is an OK oke". Instead of "oke" you can also say "ou" which is pronounced "Oh". Pap. Encountered at braais, pap is boiled corn meal. Pronounced "pup" it has the appearance, consistency and, many say, the taste of moist Plaster of Paris. Lots of South Africans pretend to like it. Eating pap is character building in the sense that one learns to grin and bear adversity, rather like Americans in the South have grown spiritually by consuming grits. In religious context, this process is called self-flagellation. Sarmie. Sandwich. Shame. Like "No", this word can mean the opposite of its meaning in other parts of the world. If someone shows you a baby, you can say: "Ag, shame". This does not mean the baby is ugly, it means the baby is cute. If the baby is ugly, it is more accurate to say: "Shame, hey". If the baby is truly hideous, it is appropriate to say: "Jislaaik". This may not be appreciated by the baby's parents. Skinder, Skinner, Skinnerbek. Gossip is one of life's little pleasures, and that is what "skinder" is - gossip. The word is usually pronounced without a hard "d" and most people will simply call it "skinner". A "skinnerbek" is someone who does it a lot, commonly without paying too much attention to the facts. Such a person can be very popular at office tea breaks, at parties and other social gatherings - unless the skinner is about you, in which case the skinnerbek is a louse who deserves a skop up the guava. Skop, Skiet en Donder. Literally "kick, shoot and thunder" in Afrikaans, this phrase is used by many English speakers to describe action movies or any activity which is lively and somewhat primitive. Clint Eastwood is always good for a skop, skiet en donder flick. Snoep. This is a favourite word, and it is used by all language groups throughout the land. Pronounced "snoop" with a short "oo" sound as in "book", it means stingy, mean, selfish. Be discreet about using it. For example, it may not be a good idea to say to your bank manager: "Unless I am granted this loan I shall have to conclude that this bank is snoep". That won't help your cause. Sometimes people use this word when they fuss over their friends' infant children: "Don't be so snoep with a kiss - gimme a big one". Stikkie. (Pronounced stucky) This is also a very favourite word for "piece". It is used when you want a piece of the action. "Give me a stikkie!". Stroppy. This word means pugnacious, difficult, aggressive, and it can be used appropriately at any level of conversation. For instance, a child who refuses to eat his stewed guavas can be described as stroppy. Or you may overhear the following comment during a discussion on international affairs: "This Saddam Hussein - he's a real stroppy ou. But he better watch out because these Yanks are not snoep with their missiles and he could fall on his guava. Big time". Tackies. These are sneakers or running shoes. The word is also used to describe automobile or truck tyres. "Fat tackies" are big tyres, as in: "Where did you get those lekker fat tackies on your Volksie (VW), hey?" Vaalie. These are the horde of creatures that descend on Cape Town once a year at Christmas time. They traditionally drive Big Expensive Cars and are inevitably towing Venter Trailers which they store the kids in. In the New South Africa, they are also known as "Gauties", this word is derived from "Gauteng", which is where we wish they would all go back to. Anyway, be nice to Animals, hug a Vaalie. Veteran. South African political reporter Brian Stuart, now with the Citizen and then with the Argus, achieved modest local fame by being the first known journalist to report that some seagulls fly backwards in strong south-easters. That's news you can use when the Cape Doctor is visiting. Vrot. (Pronounced Frot) A wonderful word which means "rotten" or "putrid" in Afrikaans, it is used by all language groups to describe anything they really don't like. Most commonly it describes fruit or vegetables whose shelf lives have long expired, but a pair of takkies worn a few times too often can be termed vrot by unfortunate folk in the same room as the wearer. Also a rugby player who misses important tackles can be said to have played a vrot game - but not to his face because he won't appreciate it. We once saw a movie review with this headline: "Slick Flick, Vrot Plot". We enjoyed the headline more than the movie. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The following are genuine extracts of letters received by the Ministry of Labour (South Africa) from people enquiring after money on the grounds of hardship. They are exact copies as they were received: Neither the wording nor the spelling has been altered. 1. I am glad to state that my husband died yesterday. I will be glad if you get me a pension. If you dont hurry up I will have to get public resistance. 2. I am enclosing my marraige certificate with three children. One of them is a mistake as you can see when you look into it. I am writing to say my youngest son is born two years old. Why not getting allowances for it. 3. I am enclosing certificate with six childran. One of them twins died. You asked if he is christened: yes he was baptised on half a sheet of paper by a certain Captain in the Salvation army. 4. The man I live with won't work and he wants to know if my husband is dead. Will you please search through your records office for him and let me know. 5. In accordance with your Instructions I have given birth to twins In the enclosed envelope. 6. I want money as badly as quick as you can send it. I have been in bed under the doctor for weeks and he doesn't seem to be doing me any good. If things don't improve I shall have another doctor. 7. Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it. 8. Re your dental enquiry, the teeth at the top are still alright, but the ones in my bottom are hurting me terrible. 9. Please send me a form for cheap milk. I have a baby 2 month old and did not know about it until the neighbor told me. 10. My son is unable to attend school. He has had diarrhoea through a hole in his shoe. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Two guys were swapping stories in the park one day and one guy (a war vet) mentioned that during the war he was captured and held for weeks without food. The other guy said, "how could you survive without food?" "It wasn't easy," he said. "but I had a big meal before I was captured and learned to eat my own shit." "WHAT??! That's disgusting!" said the guy. "I don't believe you!" Without a second thought the vet reached into his pants, shit in his hand and promptly ate it on the spot. The second guy (now gagging) said, "My God! If you can do that so easily, we can bet big money and rake in a fortune!!" "Sounds good to me." said the vet, "I can use the money." The next day the guy had set up a bet with two wealthy but unbelieving high rollers. "This I gotta see." said one of the gamblers. "It aint gonna happen." said the other. "No one can eat their own shit." "Lets do it." said the vet's buddy as he set down a plate full of shit in front of the vet. The vet looks down ready to dig in, when all of a sudden he bolts from the table and projectile-pukes a streak across the room, right on the two gamblers. In a rage the gamblers kick the living crap out of both the vet and his buddy, they take their winnings and leave. "We lost it all!!" said the buddy. "Why in the hell didn't you eat the shit??" "Their was a hair in it!" said the vet. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A study was made recently to determine the average crime rate at international airports around the world. The study made use of an ordinary looking man standing in the airport terminal and reading a newspaper. He had an empty briefcase next to him which he would ignore. Observers then recorded how long it took for the briefcase to be snatched: At Brussels the case was stolen within 4 minutes and 20 seconds. At Washington DC it was stolen within 3 minutes and 16 seconds. At Heathrow the briefcase was snatched in less than 2 minutes. In New York, the case was stolen within 1 minute and 5 seconds. In LA it took only 43 seconds before the case was snatched. The experiment was going to be held at Johannesburg International Airport in South Africa, but the people conducting the study were hijacked on the way there. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ