旼컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� � � � H - J O K E 2 4 . T X T � � � 突袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴� Never imagine I'd say this, but I miss the BBS, I really do. Seems that as of late people are flocking back to the old ANSI BBSs after they get fed up with - and even disillusioned - by the W3. Strange how things turn out. So, while the HMVH Corporation BBS remains *temporarily* out of commission, I'll just have to sit here at the office, usually in the dead of night, putting volumes and volumes of jokes together. It's gotten so bad that some people refuse to tell me jokes because I've probably heard it already... Waffle, waffle... here's the next volume of... Title: H-JOKE24.TXT File size: 500,212 bytes (unformatted for printing) Date: 15-08-1998 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 There were six men and a woman shipwrecked on a desert island. After a couple of days, they all decided a man will "marry" the woman for a week, then the next will "marry" and so on. So each man would have sex every six weeks and the woman would have it all the time. This goes on for several years, but the woman dies after five years. The first week after her death was all right. The second was all right, but getting bad. The third and fourth week was barely bearable. The fifth week they decided to bury her..... 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A man asked his doctor if there was a test to see to help him determine if he was gay. The Doctor said "Yes, there is. Please pull down your pants." The man pulled down his pants, the doctor grabbed his testicles and told him to say 55. The man said "55." The doctor then grabbed the man's penis and told him to say 55. The man said "55." The doctor then told the man to turn around, and putting a finger in the man's anus he once again told him to say 55. The man said "1.....2.....3....." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Actual Newspaper Headlines: - Include your Children when Baking Cookies - Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says - Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers - Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents - Farmer Bill Dies in House - Iraqi Head Seeks Arms - Prostitutes Appeal to Pope - Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over - British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands - Eye Drops off Shelf - Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead - Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim - Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told - Miners Refuse to Work after Death - Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant - Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies - Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter - Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years - Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84 - If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While - Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures - Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide - Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge - Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead - Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge - New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group - Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft - Kids Make Nutritious Snacks - British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply - Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half - Air Head Fired - Steals Clock, Faces Time - Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A jewish lady calls the newspaper and asks for the obituaries. The obits guy answers; What can I do for you? I'd like to place an obituary. O.K, how would you like it to read? Irving Cohen died. That's it? Irving Cohen died? That's it. But you get 4 lines in the obit. included in the price. O.K. Irving Cohen died - Cadillac for sale... 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 EMPLOYER TALK ------------ "ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:" You'll be making under $7 an hour. "ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:" You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year. "AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY:" We want you to get your hopes up, but there's no chance we'll be the next Microsoft. "PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:" Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit. "COMPETITIVE SALARY:" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. "JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:" We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your co workers. "NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:" Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since. "IMMEDIATE OPENING:" The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad. "SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:" We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check. "SELF-MOTIVATED:" Management won't answer questions "WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS:" After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay. "PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS:" After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution. "SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:" ...who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries. "CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. "COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:" We have a lot of turnover. "EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT:" Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts. "JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:" We all listen to nutty motivational tapes. "FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT:" Your co workers will be insulted if you don't drink with them. "A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT:" We booze it up at company parties. "MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. "SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:" If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it. "SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:" Some time each night and some time each weekend. "SALARY RANGE $24k-$32k:" We'll offer you $22k to start. "A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION:" You'll give boring speeches on your own time. "FLEXIBLE HOURS:" Work 40 hours; get paid for 25. "DUTIES WILL VARY:" Anyone in the office can boss you around. "WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED:" Those who missed the last round of layoffs, that is. "MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:" We have no quality control. "COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:" Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion. "NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:" We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality. "SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:" You'll need it to replace three people who just left. "PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:" You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos. "REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:" You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect. "GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:" Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it. "ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:" You whine, you're fired. "ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY:" We loooooove brown-nosers. --- 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 This guy gets on a bus, he spots a very pretty girl near the back and slowly makes his way down beside her. He starts a conversation with her and soon realizes there is a problem. He asks her about it and she replys that she is very depressed. He says to her why don't you tell me about it. I don't even know you she says. To which he replies that it is sometimes good therapy to tell your problems to someone you don't know and probably will never see again. Alright she says, My therapist say's I'm a hopeless nymphomaniac but I'm only attracted to Jewish cowboys. By the way what is your name? Bucky Goldstein, he replied... 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 MARRIAGE... I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. - Noel Coward, 1956 When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. - Jackie Mason Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. - Montaigne After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Hemant Joshi Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second Marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 The following is a letter sent to Miller Brewing Company earlier this month. Miller's response is at the end. Miller Brewing Company Milwaukee, Wisconsin 53201 Dear Sir or Madam, I have been a drinker of Miller beer's for many years (actually, ever since that other company donated a big chunk of change to Handgun Control Inc. back in the mid 80's). Initially, my beer of choice was Lite, but some time in mid 1990 while in Honduras I switched to MGD smuggled up from Panama. Now, for nearly six years, I have been a faithful drinker of MGD. For these past years, I have come to expect certain things from Genuine Draft. I expect that whenever I see that gold can of MGD, I am about ready to enjoy a great, smooth brew.. But wait! Sometime around the first of the year, my beloved MGD changed colors, so to speak. That familiar gold can was no longer gold! Knowing that I am, by nature, somewhat resistant to change, I forced myself to reserve judgment on the new can design. Gradually, I grew to appreciate the new label. That was until about May of this year. That was when I discovered (empirically) that I really didn't like the new design. Further investigation of the cause of my distress resulted in the following observations: 1. Your cans are made of aluminum. 2. Aluminum is a great conductor of energy. 3. Your beer is commonly consumed outside, and thus, the container may be exposed to sunlight. 4. Sunlight striking the can causes radiant warming of the surface of the can. 5. The resultant heat (energy) is transferred through the aluminum, by conduction, to the contents of the can (the beer). 6. Warm beer sucks. This is a process that can be observed in just about any beer. However, this process is significantly accelerated in MGD because you painted the damn can black!!! Who was the rocket scientist that designed the new graphic for the can and implemented the change right before summer? Granted, this process may not be real evident up there in Wisconsin, but down here in Oklahoma (OR TEXAS) where the summers are both sunny and hot, this effect is quite a problem. There's no telling what the folks in Texas and Arizona are having to put up with. Knowing that you would probably not address this issue unless you had firm evidence of a problem, I and several other subjects conducted extensive experimentation. The results of these experiments are listed below. The experiments were conducted over two days on the deck next to my pool. The study included seven different types of beer (leftovers from a party the previous weekend) that were initially chilled to 38 (and then left exposed to sunlight for different lengths of time. These beers were sampled by the test subjects at different intervals. The subjects, all normally MGD drinkers, were asked at each sampling interval their impressions of the different beers. The length of time between the initial exposure to sunlight and the point where the subject determined the sample undrinkable (the Suckpoint) was determined. The average ambient temperature for the trials was 95 degrees F. Beer Type Average Suckpoint (min) Miller Lite (white can) 6.2 Bud (white can) 5.5 Bud Lite (silver can) 5.2 Ice House (blue and silver can) 4.4 Coors Lite (silver can) 4.1 Miller Genuine Draft (black can) 2.8 Coors (gold can) 0.1 It was evident that the color of the can directly correlates to the average suckpoint, except for Coors which was pretty much determined to suck at any point. It is to be hoped that you will consider re-designing your MGD cans. All beer drinkers that are not smart enough to keep their beer in the shade will thank you. Sincerely, Bradley Lee Beer-drinker ----- >> ----- Dear Bradley Lee, Thank you for your letter and your concern about the MGD can color as it relates to premature warming of the contents. Like you, we at Miller Beer take beer drinking very seriously. To that end, we have taken your letter and subsequent experiment under serious consideration. Outlined below are our findings and solution to your problem. May we add that we have had similar letters from other loyal beer drinkers, mostly from the Southern United States. First, let us congratulate you on your findings. Our analysis tends to agree with yours regarding Coors. It certainly does suck at about any temperature. Now, it was our intentions when redesigning the MGD can to create better brand identity and brand loyalty. Someone in marketing did some kind of research and determined we needed to redesign the can. You will be pleased to know, we have fired that idiot and he is now wreaking havoc at a pro-gun control beer manufacturer. The design staffer working in cahoots with the marketing idiot was also down-sized. However, once we realized this mistake, to undo it would have been even a bigger mistake. So, we took some other actions. From our market research, we found a difference between Northern beer drinker and Southern beer drinkers. Beer drinkers in the South tend to drink slower than beer drinkers in the North. We are still researching why that is. Anyway, at Miller Beer, it was never our intentions to have someone take more than 2.5 minutes to enjoy one of our beers. We pride ourselves in creating fine, smooth, quick drinking beers and leave the making of sissy, slow sipping beers to that Sam guy in Boston. However, it is good to know that you feel our Miller Lite can last as long as 6 minutes. However, may we suggest in the future you try consuming at least two in that time frame. From your letter, we had our design staff work 'round the clock to come up with a solution that would help not just MGD but all our fine Miller products. We hope you have recently noticed our solution to your problem. We found that the hole in the top of the can was not big enough for quick consumption. So, we have now introduced the new "Wide Mouth" cans. We hope this will solve all your problems. Might I also suggest that if you want to get the beer out of the can even faster, you can poke a hole on the side near the bottom, hold your finger over it, open the can, tip it to your mouth and then pull your finger off the hole. This is a common way to drink beer at parties and impress your friends. This technique is known as "shot-gunning". You should like the name. Again, thank you for your letter and bring to our attention that there might be other beer drinkers taking more that 2.5 minutes to drink our beers. Let me assure you that I am have our advertising department work on campaign to solve this problem, too. Sincerely, Tom B. Miller Public Relations Miller Brewing Co. P.S. And remember, at Miller Beer we do favor gun control, too. So please use two hands when firing. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Woman's Guide to Men: What Men Say, and What they Mean --------------------------------------------------------------------------- "I'm hungry" = I'm hungry. "I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy. "I'm tired" = I'm tired. "I've gotta pee" = Get out of the way. "I've gotta GO" = Get out of the way and stay away until it clears "Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you "Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you "Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "Can I get your coat?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "Let me get your door." = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage! "You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you. "What's wrong?" = I don't see why are you making such a big deal out of this. "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? "What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question. "I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex? "I love you." = Let's have sex now. "I love you too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now! "Good morning." = That was great sex......let's have more! "See you later." = That was great sex......let's have more! "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before. "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different! "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = For $50 they should have GIVEN you hair! "Let's talk."= I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me. "Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. "Will you marry me?" = I might as well get tax benefits for going through these "talks" While shopping: "Yes, that one's nice" = Why do you ask when you aren't going to listen anyway? "That one looks great on you" = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home! "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home! "Uh huh" = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home! "I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = I am gay. What Women Say/What Women Mean What women say... ...What they mean... ------------------------------------------------------------------- Can't we just be friends? There is no way in hell I am going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again. I just need some space ...without you in it Can you help me with my homework? If I keep whining, the fool will do it for me. Do I look fat in this dress? We haven't had a fight in a while No, pizza's fine Cheap bastard I just do not want a boyfriend now I just do not want (you as a) boy- friend now I don't know; what do you want to I can't believe that you have do? nothing planned Come here My puppy does this too I like you but... I don't like you You never listen You never listen We're moving too quickly I am not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy in Bio has a girlfriend I'll be ready in a minute I AM ready, but I am going to make you wait because I know you will. Oh, no, I will pay for myself I am just being nice; there is no way I am going dutch Oh Yes! Right there Well, near there; I just want to get this over with I'm just going out with the girls We are gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends There's no one else I am doing your brother Size doesn't count... unless I want an orgasm 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 There's this young single guy on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote, deserted island. Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship.. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful, "My God, you saved my life!" He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford! Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They've set up a hut,there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?" He says, "Actually, Cin, there is. Would you mind, um, putting on my shirt?" "Uh, sure," she says, "if this will help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on. "Now would you put on my pants?" he asks. "Sure honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says. "Um, OK, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks. "Whatever you want, honey," she says, and does. Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?" She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up halfwayaround the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 This is an essay written by my son, Chris Urich. He posted it on our local Citadel BBS under his alias. (BTW, I asked him for his permission before posting this.) 94Nov17 10:01 pm from AnonyMOUSE!!! ======================================================== ASSHOLES - an essay by the one, the only, AnonyMOUSE!!! Part 1 ======================================================== Assholes invade every walk of modern life. It seems the very air we breathe contains some virus that infects the teeming masses with this horrid affliction. Everywhere you look, an asshole lurks. What exactly -is- an asshole? Well, there is the obvious anatomical reference, but the type of asshole we're looking for spews a different kind of shit, smelly it may still be. We seek to define that person, who upon leaving a room, causes people to lean over to other people and whisper, "What an asshole!" Now, all of us can -act- like assholes, we do it all the time, in fact, I'm doing it right now. By pointing a disapproving finger toward the very sphincter I so readily emulate, I'm being a SELF-RIGHTEOUS ASSHOLE (thus we see the asshole can actually serve a useful and even constructive purpose; more on that later in this essay). In searching for a definition of an asshole, we find that the asshole is a complex character indeed. The asshole embraces many, many qualities, and cannot be so easily pigeon-holed. A single definition would not do a true asshole justice. A better approach would be to break down various assholes into flavors and varieties. There are many different kinds of assholes. An important subspecies of asshole is the STUPID ASSHOLE (not to be confused with its close cousin, the IGNORANT ASSHOLE). Stupid assholes derive their basic asshole attributes from sheer lack of cognitive ability. A stupid asshole could not think his or her way out of a wet paper bag. Stupid assholes are best embodied by the character of Chachi on "Happy Days". Chachi was the archetypical stupid asshole. He burnt down Arnold's diner in a spectacular display of stupidity. He threw his apron on the burning hot grill that, like a moron, he had left on. What kind of stupid asshole would do that? Someone dumb enough to let people continue to call him "Chachi" and still consider himself "cool". And he had the classic symptom of a stupid asshole, he felt just HORRIBLE after doing a stupid asshole thing, and yet you KNOW he would do the same stupid asshole thing again because he's such a pinhead. If he had acted without remorse, he would still have been a stupid asshole, and also have been another kind, the ARROGANT ASSHOLE. (and by the way, Joanie was an even stupider asshole than Chachi for -loving- Chachi. Didn't that just make you want to vomit?) Okay, the ARROGANT ASSHOLE is next. An arrogant asshole is basically a stupid asshole who has channeled all of his or her stupidity into a inflated self image. These deluded miscreants actually believe their pathetic existence really matters one way or another in the scheme of things. The key here is the arrogant asshole lives in denial of his or her own flaws (like if Chachi had denied his stupidity in burning down Arnold's; thus he was just a stupid asshole, not an arrogant one). Any cast member of "Beverly Hills 90210" believing that they deserve any recognition at all from intellegent people would fall under this category. I mean, would anyone lose any sleep if that cunt Shannon Doherty got crushed under a bus? I might. I'd be awfully sore from laughing so hard. A particularly repulsive form of asshole is the LYING ASSHOLE. I have two words to sum up the lying asshole: Oliver North. And the people who voted for him to be a Virginia Senator are a special southern category of the stupid asshole: DUMBASS REDNECK HICK COUSIN-LOVIN' ASSHOLES. 'Nuff said. A lot of bad things happen because of INCOMPETENT ASSHOLES. Now, incompetent assholes are often stupid assholes and/or ignorant assholes. But incompetent assholes can be incompetent because of being LAZY ASSHOLES (discussed later) and taking short cuts, but most often incompetent assholes are just FUCKUPS. Fuckups are not assholes until they apply themselves to whatever they are good at fucking up. There are military fuckups (the "friendly fire" fuckups from the Gulf War), government fuckups (paying thousands of dollars for a toilet seat), romantic fuckups (the guy who thinks being honest and answering "Yes" to the question "Do I look fat?" is a good idea), sports fuckups (the guy who ran the wrong way in a football game to score a safety for the other team). The key to being an incompetent asshole, however, is consistently fucking up. These people are created by putting too much creedence in the "If at first you don't succeed..." cliche. I went to school with a guy who failed the geometry regents FOUR TIMES. He finally gave up, although by giving up, he didn't get a regent's diploma. But he was smart enough to realize he was a MATH FUCKUP, and didn't want to become an INCOMPETENT MATH ASSHOLE (like certain statisticians working for the government). Incompetent assholes also fuck up because they tend to fold under pressure. Does the name Scott Norwood ring any bells for any of you Buffalo Bills fans out there? Mentioned earlier was the IGNORANT ASSHOLE. A lot of ordinary people suffer from this, a stultifying lack of knowledge that leads to things like race riots and T-shirts reading "Burn THIS flag!" Usually, an ignorant asshole is the natural result of being a stupid asshole, but increasingly it comes from being a LAZY ASSHOLE. LAZY ASSHOLES are all the rage these days. People who drive cars two blocks for a carton of milk, who won't change the channel on their TV sets if they can't find the remote control, who would rather vegitate in front of said TV instead of gaining useful knowledge and enlightenment from books (leading to the ignorant asshole condition), who empty their ashtrays in parking lots instead of putting the ashes in one of those empty fast food bags on the floor of their car and throwing it in the nearest trash can. Everything in this country caters to these assholes, everything seems designed (or at least is advertised) as a "labor saving device". If it saves work, it will be a huge seller. Make something that does some tedious task, like picking your nose, with "a touch of a button" and you will be rich beyond your wildest imaginings (oh yeah, all that get rich quick stuff and gambling also caters to lazy assholes, and to stupid ones that can't figure out that they're getting fleeced). Which leads to the GREEDY ASSHOLE. These are the assholes that will commit absolutely any act, no matter how morally depraved, for material greed. For enough money, they would tell the National Enquirer that their dead best friend was a slutty bitch who had lesbian sex. They would disappoint millions of children by not playing baseball. For mighty dollar, they would appear at the Music Man on Sunday nights and play music that they absolutely detest for gentile old folks who have no idea that their favorite musician is such an asshole. They would say God will strike them down if you don't send them millions of dollars. They would take dicks up their asses on camera for money, and then get born again and accuse the people who gave them lots of cash of exploiting them. Which also makes them SELF-RIGHTEOUS ASSHOLES. The SELF-RIGHTEOUS ASSHOLE is the most dangerous animal on the face of the earth. No creature has ever caused more death and destruction than the self-righteous asshole. The crusades were one group of self-righteous assholes killing another group of self-righteous assholes over a piece of useless desert. Gangs of self-righteous assholes fight over the same strip of barren land even today. Self-righteous assholes appear on television in modern times and beg for money in the name of God. Then they rent hotel rooms and jerk off while unwashed, hairy, cheesy, ugly hookers finger themselves (that makes them stupid assholes, too, for not being smart enough to find good-looking, clean ones). Self-righteous assholes call up electronic bulletin boards and label the other users immoral and naughty. Then they get drunk, steal cars, crash them into body shops, and THEN blame it all on the police officers unlucky enough to save their pathetic lives. Self-righteous assholes are the elite of assholes. No other assholes even come close in sheer asshole abilities. These are SUPER ASSHOLES. For over 40 years, self-righteous pinko-hating All-American grade-A assholes were able to convince billions of people that MORE ATOMIC BOMBS would make the planet a safer place to live. They were able to use a term like "peace keeping missile" in press conferences and not have EVEN ONE JOURNALIST laugh out loud (which makes the journalists stupid assholes). Right now, a version of the self-righteous asshole threatens to overrun the world, the POLITICALLY CORRECT ASSHOLE. This type of asshole grows very agitated at the thought that some black people might in fact really be JUST NIGGERS. This upsets the politically correct asshole's sensibilities. The thought that a black man who was caught red-handed smoking crack and then gets elected mayor might be JUST A NIGGER who was elected by MORE NIGGERS makes them all itchy. However, when "Afro-Americans" burned half of Los Angeles down because some cops who BEAT A NIGGER were found innocent of BEATING A NIGGER, they did it because they have BLACK RAGE. People who break into stores, steal all the merchandise, and burn the stores down are victims. They have black rage from being oppressed. But if I have WHITE ANGER at the blacks for pulling a guy out of a truck and hitting him in the head with a brick, I am a RACIST ASSHOLE (a special hybrid of the self-righteous asshole and the ignorant asshole). I just think that black people who commit heinous acts on innocent truck drivers are not expressing black rage, they are JUST BEING NIGGERS. Nigger is just an apt term for AFRO-AMERICAN ASSHOLE. There is a special type of self-righteous asshole that deserves separate consideration, the BUREAUCRATIC ASSHOLE. This kind of asshole cares for nothing but THE RULES. The rules are often given to him by a pure self-righteous asshole (say, the president), so thus a bureaucratic asshole can do a lot of damage. But his power lies in the fact that HIS ASS IS COVERED. If shit goes wrong, he will blame his superior. He takes no moral responsibility, he was simply FOLLOWING ORDERS (the rules, man!). But, with proper guidance, this type of asshole can be a force for good. Now, I mentioned earlier that assholes can actually serve a useful purpose. In fact, in some cases, assholes are NECESSARY. When do we need an asshole? Well, it takes one to know one, which is why I am so qualified to write this essay. Yes, to be a truly expert ASSHOLE SPOTTER, you need to be quite an asshole yourself. You need to be willing to point a finger, and after pointing, sniff the finger. Does the finger smell like shit? If so, you've fingered an asshole. But only assholes have the sheer stupidity and pig-headed determination to sniff that finger. In fact, most of us stick it right up our noses. Also, assholes are useful in getting things done. You just have to point them in the right direction. Give a bureaucratic asshole a mission in life, and he'll be happy, and if the goals of the mission are noble, everyone else will be happy, too. Just stay out of his way, and be sure to steer him straight if he starts happily banging his head against a wall as this type of asshole is wont to do. Assholes are just high maintenance if you want to accomplish anything with them. Now, self-righteous assholes may be the most dangerous, but the ultimate asshole is the FUCKING ASSHOLE. A fucking asshole is someone who transcends ordinary assholeness, the forgivable asshole things we all do (like write essays like this, I hope!), and GOES BEYOND. These are the people who so assault you with just being an asshole, that you simply hate their guts. This makes them FUCKING ASSHOLES, or, if you are shy about that f-word, they are TOTAL ASSHOLES. If Chachi had burned down Arnold's and denied responsibility, he would have also been a FUCKING ASSHOLE (who do we know that destroyed a local business and refuses to take responsibility for it? Hmmmm...). Because although he burned down Arnold's, we forgave him because he did something increasingly rare in modern society, he TOOK RESPONSIBILITY. But if he had not taken responsibility, we would have loathed his entrails, thus making him a fucking asshole. Fucking assholes are dangerous too, but generally on a smaller scale than the self-righteous asshole. Usually ordinary people who are fucking assholes don't go far, they usually indulge in self-destructive behavior. People who are fucking assholes on a grand scale, like Hitler, Manson, or Hussein, become fucking assholes the same way they got famous, which is generally being smart enough to think of lots of ways to kill lots of people in particularly gruesome ways, while at the same time convincing lots of stupid assholes that not only is lots of killing a jolly good idea, but that they should be the ones to do it, not their illustrious leaders. But most fucking assholes aren't that smart. Fucking assholes are wife-beaters, child molesters, murderers, rapists, drug dealers, crooked local politicians, all the jerks we loathe and despise from all walks of life. I think the best litmus test to tell whether a criminal should be executed would be a test to see whether the crook is a fucking asshole or not. There is one last kind of asshole that needs to be discussed, the DRUNKEN ASSHOLE. I leave this one for last because this is a type of DRUG-INDUCED ASSHOLE. The assholes above all were either born that way or were taught, or more often, beaten into it by their parents. The drunken asshole has the distinction of being able to sober up and snap out of it. So, there is this magic liquid called alcohol that can turn people into any variety of asshole, and has the great side-effect of total absolution from any responsibility for their actions! Although recent legislation toughening the penalties for drunk driving has changed this a bit, there still is a great tendency to excuse drunken asshole behavior. If some jerk gets drunk and say, rides in the back of a pickup truck and takes a leak on the windshield of a following vehicle (I really witnessed this, I swear to whatever deity is dear to you), usually we shrug it off and say, "Oh, he was drunk". I had a friend once that made the stupid asshole mistake of leaving his car unlocked at some local watering hole (I think it may have been that dive the Palmer House in Herkimer. It was either that, or Boyle's Pit, also known as The Tenth Level Of Hell Complete With Vomit On The Floor And Some Drooling Guy That Really Wants To Show You His Penis). Anyway(s), one might expect the car to be stolen or something inside the car to be stolen, like the stereo. But no. Some drunken asshole (we had to assume the asshole was drunk, because we had some faith left that sober human beings would never commit the act I am about to describe) took a LARGE STEAMY DUMP in his backseat. He noticed the smell, and then noticed a large pile of human droppings on his backseat. This was definitely the work of a drunken asshole. Generally, drunken asshole actions are very humorous years down the line, but are profoundly NOT FUNNY when they happen. They only remain NOT FUNNY if someone is killed or permanently maimed. For example, my former room mate and I once got very, very drunk on Jack Daniels and he broke my glasses and I grabbed his hair and beat his head on the floor. It wasn't much fun at the time, but we'd probably get some chuckles out of it now (that is, if his hair isn't still falling out). I hope you both enjoyed and were enlightened by my treatise on the forms and shapes assholes can take. Try to spot one today (the author of this article would be a really good start in asshole-spotting, let me tell you). Now that you know all about assholes, you will be prepared to identify one. Once you've done this, tell about your close encounter of the asshole kind in this room. Here's my asshole story: The people at the Herkimer Great American are incompetent assholes, or they might even be greedy assholes. Every time I shop for my mother at Great American, she arms me with a big pile of coupons. Usually there is a bunch of store coupons, and there will be things on my list that are in-store specials. Now these assholes seem to have extreme difficulty keeping the fucking shelves stocked, even during off times, and it's usually the in-store specials and coupon items. Now, this is understandable because everyone grabs the sale stuff like crazy and it runs out. Except, I go to P&C and they have no problem keeping their shelves stocked. AND, Great American has this problem with non-sale items. Like hamburg and kool-aid. They NEVER have enough ground beef in that fucking place, and the only kool-aid they have is these stupid ass funky little kid flavors like "sharkleberry fin" and "dingleberry cocktail". This leads me to the conclusion that they're a bunch of fuckup incompetent assholes. OR, they could be greedy assholes. The cynic in me says that they just might be understocking the sale items ON PURPOSE to get me in the store to buy other shit at regular price. I think the term for this is "bait and switch" or something like that, and if it's not outright illegal, it's certainly not ethical. But this is only a paranoid suspicion. Now, I'm sure some of you have some REAL good asshole stories, I mean, you can't go a day without encountering one unless you lock yourself in your house, and don't watch TV, listen to the radio, call the boards, or answer the phone. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 GENERIC FLAME FORM (Short Version) I took exception to your recent posting because it was: ___ lame ___ way older than dirt ___ stupid ___ rejected by Henny Youngman ___ way too long ___ offensive to the entire planet ___ unintelligible ___ on the level of a five-year-old ___ not at all funny ___ one I was just ready to post also Your attention is drawn to the fact that: ___ I could have done it much much better ___ that joke's been posted _____ times already ___ your post contained numerous spelling errors ___ your post contained multiple grammatical errors ___ you have a lame login name &/or pathetic provider ___ your inane attempt at being witty was just pathetic ___ your post was a sorry parody of ___________________ ___ you included: (Mark all that apply) ___ a stupid self-quote ___ a stupid quote from a net nobody ___ a reference to Beavis & Butthead ___ a reference to Bart Simpson/Al Bundy Furthermore: ___ You have greatly misunderstood the purpose of a listserver ___ You have greatly misunderstood the purpose of the Internet ___ You have greatly misunderstood the purpose of life itself ___ You have over-estimated our tolerance for gross stupidity ___ It is recommended that you: (Mark all that apply) ___ get a life, and soon ! ___ find a competing humor list ___ come back when you've grown up ___ find a volcano and throw yourself in 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 It was the first time this housewife was to host Thanksgiving for her family, so she wanted to cook something special. She slaved for hours and finally created a masterpiece. Salmon mousse. Just before her guests arrived, she caught her cat nibbling away at the dish on the dining room table. She had worked so hard that she couldn't throw the mousse away, so she smoothed it over and served it anyway. Well, the mousse was a hit. Everyone took seconds or thirds. Proudly she stood to bring the empty plate out to the kitchen and looked out the window. There, next to the house, lay her cat. Dead. She had to confess to her guests that she'd served mousse eaten by the cat and now the cat was dead. The entire family rushed to the hospital to have their stomachs pumped. The housewife, who hadn't eaten any because she knew her cat had, lay in bed-- mourning the passing of her cat and fearing that the same fate could befall her guests. Then, the phone rang. It was her next door neighbor who said, "I'm sorry about your cat. I should have told you that I ran her over but I was just so ashamed and saw that you were eating dinner.... So I just put her on your lawn." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 You all know the Darwin Awards - It's an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was a man who was killed by a coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a soda out of it. And this year's nominee is: The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what it was and what had happened. I seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off - actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO! The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, soon pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, basically causing him to become insignificant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20) seconds before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable: however, small fragments of bone, teeth, and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel. Believe It Or Don't!! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 This goes out to all of you BOFH fans...... BASTARD USER FROM HELL #1 I was a good computer programmer and a new college student. I was trying to find the BASIC compiler and could not. Sooo... I call the operator ( I did not know it was the BOFH.) Phone rings..."Hello" BOFH "Who is this?" Me. It's me I think" BOFH No joke turkey breath. I think. "Me Who?" Me. "Is this like a knock knock joke?" BOFH. I think "This guy is missing a few brain cells" [Bad assumption on my part]. "What can I do for you" BOFH. Boy is he talking nice, must be ok after all. I think. Um, I want to know if we have a particular software package....?" Me. "Which package is that?" BOFH "Uh, B-A-S-I-C it's called." Me. I hear >clickety, clickety< in the background Good, the turkey is checking for it. "Um no, we don't have that. We used to though." BOFH That funny I say to myself, the instructor said it was on the system. "Oh. Oh well, the other thing I wanted to know was, could the contents of my account be copied to tape so I have a permanent copy of them to save at home in case the worst happens.." "The worst?" BOFH "Well, like they get deleted or something..." Me. "DELETED! Oh, don't worry about that, we have backup!" "What was your username?" I give him my username. >clikety clickety click.< "But you haven't got any files in your account!" BOFH What no files! I had over 30, some big, this guy is wrong. "Yes I have, you must be looking in the wrong place!" Me. "Oh no, I made a mistake" he say. That right bozo breath I think. I mutter "typical operator" to myself (unfortunetly to loud). "I MEANT TO SAY: That username doesn't exist" "Huh? >wimper< It must be, I was only using it this morning!" "Ah well, that'll be the problem, there was a virus in our system this morning, the... uh... De Vinci Virus, wipes out users who are logged in when it goes off." BOFH "That can't be right, my girlfriend was logged in, and I'm in her account now!" "Which one was that?" I give him my girlfriends userid. Then my mind says bad move. The igno second factor. "Oh, yeah, her account was just after we discovered the virus." >clickety clikc< "..she only lost all her files" BOFH. "But..." Me. "But don't worry, we've got them all on tape" BOFH "Oh, thank goodness!!!" Me. "Paper tape. Have you got a magnifying glass and a pencil. SEE YOU IN THE MACHINE ROOM!!!! NYAHAHAHAHAHA!" He did what? KILL and KILL AGAIN! I had heard there was some one they called the BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL. But never believed it. Now the line had been drawn. I got mad and put a fake program on the computer from my roomies account. You know the kind that acts like a normal screen for the log in but after the user enters the userid and password it ends and the normal login appears. The teachers could not understand how I had such polished program and only used 80 percent of my computer time. Oh course every one else was running 150% of their allowed and hence got no higher than a "C" in the class. Hey survival of the fittest. The BASTARD USER FROM HELL is born. BASTARD USER FROM HELL #2 I come into the lab and signed in (using someone elses id) [funny, you offer to help a girl do her program and you can copy her user id and password from her typing, especially if they are slow. "What the?????" I get all these messages on her e-mail from alt.singles.with.severe.social.dysfuntions. That can't be right. I have been in her account before. She does not write or read this stuff. "Oh no....its him again." The BOFH has messed things up AGAIN. That means my e-mail is messed up too. Well... we will just have to fix that. Being the Bastard User From Hell means never being messed up for long. I spend the next two hours writing a very good program to go in and take all the print jobs from the faculty user ids and print them out in english, greek, latin, german, and japanese (that one was hard on the line printer). I do not mean a page at a time I mean a letter at a time. Then I assign the output to the computer operator printer. He will catch it after a while, but hey, it is not my userid. What do I care. I also send a letter to the head of the computer department saying how much of a jerk the operator is and that he should be fired. Hey it ain't my userid. Unfortunetly some of the professor want us to do stuff on the "SCHOOL" computer. With that guy for an operator, Yeah, Right! Then the computer goes down. RATS. Then it comes back up. I log in and I am missing some files. Sooo... Ring..Ring..Ring "Computer Room" Oh no, not the BOFH. If I have to deal with this guy again "I've lost my files" I whine.. make him think I am stupid. "You bet you have" Is this guy picking a fight or what? "What was your username?" he says. I give it to him...what choice do I have. All of a sudden my whole directory dissappears. What in the name of hades.....OHHHH NNNOOOO First rule is never give the BOFH your userid. Well, time to study operating systems. In the mean time I barricade the door to the computer room. As I am moving the first bench over someone says "What are you doing?" "I am getting even with the stupid computer operator!!" All of a sudden ten students are helping me. It was much easier when everyone helps. That evening I read about an epidemic of herpes and syphillis in the town. BASTARD USER FROM HELL #3 After reading up on operating systems I got in really guickly and learned how to up the priority for my job on the queue. Being the Bastard User From Hell means never having to wait for another users program to run. I did not try to get superuser privileges right away. That BOFH might check and find it. He is probable watching TV. Well, all my jobs are running just fine. Espically the one through the annomynous userid that is using the cypher cracking software on the academic records. It is so nice to be able to give yourself an A. The problem is the professors keep changing the password on me. Not for long. Some guy next to me complains the system is slow (not my stuff) and says he is going to call the sysop. Am I going to tell him it is a bad idea. NOOOOOOOOOOO. Let him catch hell not me. I listen just for kicks and grins. "Do you know why the system is slow?" he says Pause...."Oh" The BOFH must have come up with a good anser. Either that or we have an idiot here. "But my research results are due in tommorrow and all I need is one page of Laser Print." he says. He hangs up and tries again. Talk about stupid. If the stove is hot you do not put you hand on again just to see if it really burns. "Oh, I'm sorry, I've got the wrong number" Pause...I hear screeaming from the phone...yeah this guy is stupid. He drops the phone and sprints out the office. Quickly I run over to his computer. Got to get in fast before the account is canceled. Go into that file where I keep the transfer stuff. Enter the password. Got to be quick now. Yeah start program "retire". I have to transfer some money to a Swiss bank account using this guy userid. I get one transfer done. It took a couple of seconds. I had the file all ready to go. Now when the police wonder who has been looting the money from that slush fund at the college they will nail this guy. Then this guy account dissappears. Perfect, no trace. What, I am stealing from the college. Hey.. I pay my fees. I am just getting some back. NOW! Besides most police department are just now becoming computer literate. Besides I used my crappy poly sci professers id. He is the one who spouts off about political correctness. Lets see him do political correctness when his name is on as the creator of the progam. I don't want to take the fall. Hey, you can never start a retirement fund to soon you know. Being the Bastard User From Hell means always having a retirement account. Well back to the program that goes and monitors the sysops commands. Got to see how they work before you can counter man them. Yeah......done. Some guy next to me calls in to the BOFH. "I need more space." he says "No, on my account stupid!" Uh-OH. Here come the fire works. Hey this will be a good time to see if the new version of the command monitoring program works. Boy is this guy back pedalling fast... but not fast enough. "4Megs.....aaaaaaaaaagggghhhhHHHH" Lets see, there is e-mail from some user. Dumb cluck gave his personal id and password to his girl friend over e-mail. Aren't monitoring programs fun. Oh here is how he got rid of that guys memory. Lets see I will have to change this and add that other user id and give him say 0.5 MEG. What would happen if he is working on a big project at the time this command takes affect. El jerko in my English class is about to loose that essay he keep bragging about. OOOhhhhhhhhh CCCCRRRRAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!. Alright....that command worked. More memory for me to use. Being the Bastard User From Hell means never running out of RAM. BASTARD USER FROM HELL #4 It was thursday. I had to be in the lab. Not that I wanted to, but some professors tell us (the students) we HAVE to use the school computer. Something about funding, I guess. Some one has been trying to call the operator for about two hours. He has been swearing up a blue streak. Me, I just finish the stuff the professor wants (yes on my user id) the professor wants it that way. Once I am done with that I get into another account (it pays to read e-mail). Some people know nothing of comm security. The program I am working on now does the following. Goes and changes the users password. Then it greps the passward file for similar encrypted words. Then dumps the results to another file on a dummy account. Dummy account, Yeah, I had a talk with the secratary of one of the departments. She says that she would do anything to get even with the BOFH. So I got into her computer remotely and found the purity test answers. Now she will and does do everything I need, qilling or not. (Interesting answers, she is so conservative, who would have guessed that she preferred.......) When you are the Bastard User From Hell you don't do thing. You get others to do it for you. Back to the program I am running. See what you get for reading magazines. I got a list of the 100 most popular passwords. Well, I just had to try it out. The guy how has been trying for two hours finally gets in. Then he goes over and does something on the terminal. AAAUUUUURRRRRGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!. The BOFH must have told him to do use rm for something else. More disk space for me. Some guy wants a printout. The BOFH comes back with one of the crappiest printouts I have seen. Man, what did he do to that one? Alright, the program I put in has got me at least 32 more accounts. There is going to be no problem of computer time now. And the program is only half through. That guy is still talking to the BOFH. He gives him his disketts...SUCKER are you done for now. Later I see him walking out with the disketts over his head. I do not even want to know. The program ends. I have 53 new user id and password I can use. Great.. that consulting work I am doing on the side will get done and I won't have to buy a new computer. Being the Bastard User From Hell means never running out of accessible userids. BASTARD USER FROM HELL #5 Its friday. The BOFH has not been in all morning. How do I know...well the computer is running fine for one thing. The other is that I paid a freshmen to watch the door while he does his homework. When the BOFH comes in he will let me know. There is someone here who has been trying to get ahold of him all morning. Me....I am getting into the accademic records and updating my GPA to a 4.0. Than cyrpto program I was running worked just fine. And I did not even have to goto class (except the first day) Dam, am I good or am I good. Being the Bastard User From Hell means always getting good grades. The freahmen come in. The BOFH is in to create havoac. What? Another guy is on the phone and he is yelling at the BOFH. This should be fun. Me..I am finishing up that program for the consulting job I have. One has to make a living. The job allows me access to the companies computer remotely. But if I do it part time on the school computer I do not have to pay the modem bill. Let me tell you about purchase requests and userid. You can buy all sorts of stuff when your company NEEDS it. Why just the other day they needed a new 2GB hard drive. Lifes rough. See it like if you are good you use someone's userid on the computer to do all you nasty work. Then when the brown stuff hit the horizontal wind pusher you look really good because your userid just shows pure work like a good little corporate slave. Oh... the guy tell the BOFH his user id. This should be good. AAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaagggggghhhhhh. Guess he lost his files. It was not even me. Gee I feel cheated. Tin fool, magnets, pillow cases. I don't even want to guess. Hey.. I found that guys account. Two files. Well, lets just run that tracking program for the password file. Yeah there it is. Now just run that puppy through the unencryption program....... presto a password. When your hot, your hot. Being the BASTARD USER FROM HELL means always get more computer time, free. See what happens when you work for a firm that does encryption stuff. You find out how they do that kind of thing. Then you come back to the computer and figure out what the algorithm is that the school computer uses and you are in like flint. It is nice to have power at your fingertips. BASTARD USER FROM HELL #6 It lunch hour and the BOFH is not in. I saw him leave just after the janitor went in to the sysop room. The must confer. That janitor likes to bust in on people in the restrooms. So.. what do I do. I grep all the e-mail readers for erotic word. What? Has the Bastard User From Hell gone in for porn. NNNOOO. After a quick scan, I see who is writing to who. There are userids I recognize. The others I run through the userid cross check file for names. This will make good blackmail material for a few favors when it comes time to get things done. Oh..... there is one from a junior who stood me up on a date. Well.....she is doing what with who. Make a copy and send to Western Union for a express delivery to her parents. Being the BASTARD USER FROM HELL means getting back for the date who stood you up. I go in and reset everyone elses priority to super slow. The BOFH had it set to slow already. He should not notice the difference. Mine is set to fast. I am having problem saving that 47MEG graphics program with animation. Lets see, who is not here. Oh... here is that TA's file from the Econ class. Econ is a mandatory taker. The TA is a jerk and does not let up. Well, lets just get into his account. My! Is this his thesis for the bachaloer committe? Well we will just do a "mv *.* /bin/bitbucket" Good, that frees up 7MEG of space. No problem Being the BASTARD USER FROM HELL means never wanting for disk space. Oh No, the BOFH is back. Someone phones in..lets see what he does. Something about saving documents. Jeeze she is not crying the BOFH must be having a mental lapse. WHAT????!!!!!. All the files on this disk dissappeared. Why that little no good for nothing BOFH. I had two important files (crypto craker and list of userid w/passwords) on that disk. Well, tranfer to another userid (you can never have enough) and run that undelete program. Lets hope he isn't watching the screen. Bingo. Now if I can just reserve the rest of this disk. Rats, only 478 MEG avalible. Darn, I wanted 500. Oh well can't be to greedy now. Some guy calls in and ends up walking away sobbing. After a productive day I leave. On the way home (to my home, mortgage all paid, gee isn't being a BUFH so much fun) I see an ambulance and and a bunch of guys in white coats. Someone says something about some lady screaming she will get the BOFH for what he did to her computer and files. Gald to see I am not the only one working on that. I get in and login on the computer at home using my rentee password and his CompuServe id. Route it through a jerks userid at school. Going to be a long weekend with him away. Best part is someone else will get the blame. Being the BASTARD USER FROM HELL means never paying for access time. BATARD USER FROM HELL #7 I end up in one of the required class. Psych. Yeah, let me near a computer and I'll psych you out all right. And the teacher. She is one of those b***** (excuse me, female dog) who blames all of the world's ill on the male gender. Jesss give me a break. If it was not for some male she would not even be here. Ever take a Bio class lady! The female has been going on and on about how things are screwed up. Yeah, I know I am sitting in this class just thinking of how to really screw things up... FOR HER. Then she mentions computers always fail...Bingo, here is my chance. "Well, you know that the communication lines that are bounced of the stratosphere are being interupted by falling satellite parts and this causes comupter to miss the synching cycle." I say. When you walk the walk and talk the talk..... "Huh" she says. "Well, yeah, with the synch cycle out the computer does not know what you are trying to tell it so it makes something up and that is why the satellites are falling." If you can not blind um with your brilliance, baffel um with the bullcrap. Her... BB in a Boxcar when it comes to technical stuff. Got her going for five minutes before she got back on men designed satellites and that is why they fall out of the sky etc.etc.etc. Ppplleeaassseeee!!!!!. After class I go over to the computer center and tap into the reserve userid file. Guess whos id is on the system. Yeah..It PAY BACK TIME. Being the Bastard User From Hell means always out psyching the your psych instructor. I'll just make up some stuff and report it. Whats this. Alt.sex.beastality...alt.sex.pedephilla EUREKA.....PAYDIRT. And I did not have to make it up. I call my friend at the newspaper (help him in a class once). Got to know the computer system at the newspaper. Comes in handy when you want to spread some dirt around. LIKE NOW. "Hey Tom...John" "Oh hi.. thanks for the help on the last exam." "No problem...hey you want a story about a teacher that the state is paying good money to run a sex bulliten board?" I say. "Is it a big one?" he asks "You would not believe how big!" I say. I send him a file with a bunch of stuff (userid, password, other crap). I also get in and download the user names from four other bulletin boards about the same stuff I ran across. Never know when info comes in handy. He thanks me and says "Do not eat at the cafeteria at school. Some one keeps sending organ transplate stuff there." I hand up and say darn that was a good one. I should have thought of that. I wonder who... no I don't. I go back home and get ready for a job interview. What you say! The Bastard User From Hell is giving in to the corporate world. Guess again. It is at a bank that has a large network of ATM machines. Only as long as it takes to figure out how to crack the system and set my self up with several million and computer access for the rest of my life. Being the Bastard User From Hell means never running out of cash. On the way out I hear a couple people saying how this nice man taught them how the "rm" command is the remark command. I wonder who that could be. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Monday, 10 AM -- Chicago, Illinois -- Start-up software developer Cuisine International announced CUISINENET, the first internetworking program to seamlessly integrate word and food processing. Called a breakthrough for small restaurants and snack bars, Cuisine Chairman Mark Meigs confidently predicted sales of thousands of copies. Monday, 4 PM -- New York -- Cuisine International shares closed sharply higher on announcement of new CUISINENET product. Tuesday, 9 AM -- Redmond, Washington -- Microsoft Chairman William H. Gates, III announced that Microsoft Food for Windows would soon enter beta testing. Gates described the product as the first of a projected family of products to include Food for Windows, designed for small commercial dining establishments; Personal Food for Windows, designed for home kitchens; Portable Food for Windows, designed for lunchboxes; and, of course, at high end, Food for Windows NC (Nouvelle Cuisine) designed for large institutional dining rooms. Asked by a reporter about CUISINENET, Gates said that he had never heard of the product, but was not surprised by it because the software business is highly competitive, and Microsoft has to compete on the merits with many strong competitors, as the FTC had recently concluded. Tuesday, 3 PM -- Chicago, Illinois -- An angry Mark Meigs showed reporters a copy of the nondisclosure agreement signed by Bill Gates, under which Cuisine International had informed Microsoft a year earlier about plans CUISINENET. Meigs said that in hindsight, he should never have signed agreement, as the only thing he learned from Microsoft was that Gates was considering changes to Windows. Wednesday, 9 AM -- Redmond, Washington -- Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates announced that Microsoft would soon publish specifications for the Windows Open Kitchen Architecture (WOKA), a series of design specifications to permit manufacturers of toasters, ranges, and other kitchen appliances to integrate their products into the forthcoming Microsoft Food for Windows line. Asked about reports of a nondisclosure agreement with Cuisine International for a similar product, Gates said that the other product is really at most a niche product, and would probably have less functionality than the food-related features that Microsoft would be building into the new Unsaturated FAT File System which would be part of DOS 7.0. Gates said that he doubted there would be much interest in a dead-end solution that would not be able to keep up to date with advances in WOKA. Gates added that over 11,000 manufacturers of kitchen appliances were already having serious discussions with Microsoft about WOKA, and that he expected almost all important eaters of food to standardize on the WOKA environment. Wednesday, 10 AM -- Redmond, Washington -- Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates announced that he would be giving the keynote speech at the American Bakers annual convention on "Nutrition at Your Fingertips." Gates played down speculation that he would use the Bakers convention to introduce Microsoft Food for Windows, saying only that alpha testing was proceeding ahead on schedule, and the product would be shipped when it was ready. Wednesday, 11 AM -- Redmond, Washington -- Microsoft Corporation announced that its Chairman, William H. Gates, III, had made a donation of over $1 million of personal funds to the Cordon Bleu to begin an endowment fund for the Bill Gates Professorship of Advanced Cookery. The famous French cooking school confirmed that it had agreed to be a beta site for the much discussed Food for Windows application suite. Thursday, 9 AM -- New York -- PCWeek Magazine reported in a copyrighted story that it had obtained a copy of correspondence from Microsoft to Cuisine International, demanding that the small developer of kitchen software cease using the Cuisine name, as it infringes on the trademark Microsoft Food for Windows NC. Microsoft added that Chairman Mark Meigs would also have to change his own name as Mark infringed a copyright on Windows Edit menu, Meigs infringed the trademark on Meigs Field in Microsoft Flight Simulator, and Chairman infringed the trademark on Bill Gates's title which he had acquired with personal funds from Mao's estate. Also, Microsoft advised that while the company did not actually have to move out of Chicago, use of the city name on press releases infringed on a trademark on Windows 4.0 Thursday, 4 PM -- New York -- Cuisine International stock closed at 0. Friday, 9 AM -- ? -- An anonymous spokesman for an unnamed Midwestern software developer announced the discontinuation of operations. Undescribed legal problems were cited as the reason. Others speculated that a failure to appreciate the competitive nature of the software business may have led to the company's sudden collapse. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 40 THINGS I LEARNED FROM ID4 That I Never Knew Before By Dean Kanipe Area 51 Research Center While viewing the film Independence Day, it became apparent that I was remarkably uninformed about several things related to Area 51, aliens, military operations, and America in general. Below is a quick list of a few important things I learned from the film that I never knew before, and a few lessons that were inferred from the plot. I wish to thank the creators of ID4 for making these facts much clearer to me. 1. Aliens like to blow up significant land marks first. Apparently the best way to destroy a city is to position your "Death Ray" over the most recognizable building. 2. All pro-UFO people are morons who dance atop the building directly under the Death Ray. 3. If alien "Destroyers" come to your city to blast it into oblivion, leave BEFORE they fire the Death Ray. 4. If alien "Destroyers" come to your city to blast it into oblivion and you are caught in traffic at the last minute, make sure that you are travelling with a dog and a small child. The Law of Averages says you'll survive the Death Ray. 5. If alien "Destroyers" come to your city to blast it into oblivion and you are caught in traffic at the last minute, make sure that you are NOT a raspy-voiced homosexual cable TV executive. The Law of Averages says you'll get waxed by the Death Ray. 6. Stripping is a lucrative profession that allows one to "Pay the bills," "take care of one's boy," and own a nice house in a middle class subdivision. 7. Strippers got moxie. When the going gets tough, they can drive California Highway Department utility vehicles, collect refugees and use their extensive survival skills to provide food and comfort to survivors. 8. NASA sends out rejection letters, just like Harvard. 9. Area 51 is an "Assault Base". 10. A fleet of RVs can travel across the Nevada Test Site in line-abreast formation without the need of roads, thanks to the immense expanses of Salt Flats and the lack of impeding mountains. 11. Area 51 has a big chain-link fence around it, and the guards at the gate wear black combat fatigues with white metal helmets in 120 degree heat. 12. Any bonehead with an RV can get to Area 51 by driving across the Salt Flat to the gate and flashing a captured alien to the guard. 13. Standard operating procedure for the Air Force is to cluster all vehicles, aircraft, and ground personnel on a 200 meter section of tarmac in the middle of an Alien Invasion. 14. The F-18 is the sole fighter in use by all branches of the service, including Marines and Air Force. 15. From the assault scenes on the Alien "Destroyers', it appears that the F-18 must have had a 1000 unit production run. 16. Both F-18s and B-2s must close to within 10 km of a target 20 km across before engaging with both air-to-air missiles and aerial launched nuclear cruise missiles. 17. People too drunk to walk can still fly crop dusters and F-18s. 18. Any bonehead with rudimentary aviation experience can be taught to pilot an F-18 in 5 hours. 19. Any bonehead with F-18 flight experience can learn to pilot an Alien fighter in 5 minutes. 20. Aliens with anatomy that includes tentacles and clawed feet use flight yokes just like ours. 21. Aliens are wimps, even the ones in "Bio-Mechanical" armor. They have glass jaws and can be taken out with a punch by Will Smith. (He has had a lot of practice on photographers, though.) 22. Aliens are stupid. When one of their fighters approaches the carrier, they don't bother to communicate with the pilot. 23. Aliens are even more stupid. They pursue their targets into canyons walls and closing blast doors. 24. Aliens are unbelievably stupid. While unarmed and unarmored, they do things to piss off people with hand guns. 25. Aliens are just too stupid for words to express. An alien air traffic controller can look at a fighter that has been human-modified for 20 minutes and is only 50 feet away and not notice the welded-on missile rack until the missile is fired through his work station. 26. Aliens are remarkably inarticulate. All they can say is, "Release me," "No peace," and "Die!" 27. If you're President and your administration is faltering, an Alien Invasion might be a good way to boost your ratings in the polls. 28. If you're President and your administration is faltering, manage to work into every other sentence the fact that you "flew in the Persian Gulf." No need to specify what branch of service. 29. If you're President and your administration is faltering and an Alien Invasion occurs, relocate the V.P., the Cabinet, and the Joint Chiefs to one centralized location so that the Aliens can take them all out with one shot. You can always blame the problems of the past on them after victory is achieved. 30. The President's Press secretary keeps her cell phone listed in the phone book "in case of emergencies." 31. If your father abandons his Jewish beliefs after the death of your mother, always carry around a Torah and a Yarmulke. Aliens might attack and offer him a chance to renew his faith. 32. If aliens abduct you and effectively destroy your life by making you the laughing stock of the community, never fear. When their "Destroyers" come, you will be vindicated to those who mocked your tale. 33. If aliens abduct you and do unspeakable things to you, you can have revenge upon them by flying an F-18 into their Death Ray. 34. If aliens abduct you and do unspeakable things to you and you have revenge upon them by flying an F-18 into their Death Ray, you will obtain redemption and your children will be proud of you. 35. The best way to win back a former wife is to be very annoying, look perpetually vexed, and keep wearing your wedding ring for 4 years after the divorce. 36. In 10 hours, one man with a Macintosh Laptop can code a virus in C++ that will take down a completely alien computer system. 37. Even though the Mac isn't compatible with most other Earthly operating systems, it can interface with an alien computer. 38. Alien network security is nonexistent. 39. Rather than attacking a planet when they first encounter it (i.e., 1940s), aliens wait until the planet has developed just enough technology to possibly defend itself. 40. Scientists at Area 51 are a bit touched in the head, and "Don't get out much." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 When the marriage ceremony was over, the Aggie and his lovely bride went to a resort hotel to spend their honeymoon. Bedtime came and the bride retired, but the groom stood by the window gazing at the moon and stars. "Dear," the bride called, "why don't you come to bed?" Answered the Aggie, "Mother told me that tonight would be the most wonderful night of my life, and I'm not going to miss a minute of it." --------------------------------------------------------------- An Aggie was standing in the entrance of the Statler-Hilton Hotel lobby without a stitch of clothes on, when the policeman grabbed his arm and said, "Let's get something to cover you and go to the station." "Wait, officer, I'm an Aggie, and..." "I don't care if you are an Aggie, you can't stand here naked," the policeman interrupted. "But let me explain," pleaded the Aggie. "I'm waiting for my girl friend. We were up in the room and she said, 'let's get undressed and go to town.' I guess I beat her down." -------------------------------------------------------------------- On a lonely highway, an Aggie hitched a ride with a fellow driving a brand new Mustang. The driver introduced himself. "I'm a graduate of A&M," he told his passenger. "This is a mighty fine car. You must have done well since you finished school," commented the student. "No, I guess I've just been lucky," the grad replied. "A couple of weeks ago a gal driving this car picked me up. We drove to a secluded country lane and parked. Then she took off her clothes and told me she'd give me anything I wanted, so I took her car." "Now, that was mighty smart of you," the student said. "Her clothes wouldn't have fit you." ----------------------------------------------------------------- It looked like the car was stranded on a lonely road, so the farmer pulled up alongside and asked, "What's the matter? Out of gas?" "No," came the answer from the Aggie inside. "Engine trouble?" "No." Tire down?" "No, didn't have to." ----------------------------------------------------- The medical school professor sent his students out to each purchase one pound of male brain matter for study. A group who arrived at the local medical supply house was given the prices: Ph.D. Brains .................. $ 37.50/lb. Phi Beta Kappa Brains .................. $ 32.50/lb. Straight A Brains .................. $ 25.00/lb. Aggie Brains .................. $150.00/lb. One young student questioned the price of Aggie brains noting, "I never thought they were that valuable." The proprietor asked, "Have you ever thought how many Aggies it takes to make a pound of brains?" ----------------------------------------------------------------- The definition of gross ignorance is quickly given as 144 Aggies. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the Aggie who thinks the English Channel is the TV station that shows British movies? ----------------------------------------------------------------- Do you know why it takes four Aggies to pull off a kidnapping? One to carry the victim and three to write the ransom note. ----------------------------------------------------------------- A woman sitting across the aisle from an Aggie on a Greyhound bus was nursing a big, healthy baby. "Lady," he asked, "How come your baby is so fat and healthy." "I don't know," she replied, "All I feed him is milk and orange juice." The Aggie thought a minute and asked, "Well, which one is orange juice?" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 LIST OF AMERICAN SLOGAN TRANSLATIONS INTO FOREIGN LANGUAGES Here is a look at how shrewd American business people translate their slogans into foreign languages: 1. When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in Leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly Naked." 2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea." 3. Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate." 4. When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the German market, they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of "v" is f - which in German is the guttural equivalent of "sexual penetration." 5. Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse. 6. The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No Va" means "It Does Not Go" in Spanish. 7. When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave." 8. Then when Coca-Cola first shipped to China, they named the product something that when pronounced sounded like "Coca-Cola." The only problem was that the characters used meant "Bite The Wax Tadpole." They later changed to a set of characters that mean "Happiness In The Mouth." 9. A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick. 10. When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what actually is inside the container since most people cannot read. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Top 50 Worst Reasons to pull an all-nighter by Jeremy "Shaggy" Toeman (jt3h+@andrew.cmu.edu) NOTE: an all-nighter means missing one night's worth of sleep. 1. Heated "Less-filling" "Tastes great" debate. 2. Need to figure out which way is east. Wait for sunrise. 3. Watching Professional Wrestling. 4. Writing script to "Problem Child 3" in an attempt to put to rest all the unanswered questions from 1 and 2. 5. Cramming for a test you have the following week. 6. Waiting for friend to call back with the answer to "How do you keep an idiot up all night?" 7. Anything involving Latin, Taylor's series, or heat transfer. 8. Attempting to discover how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. 9. Slightly confused on that whole 5 o'clock shadow thing. 10. Listening to every CD you own using that cool "intro" feature that comes in SO handy with every CD player available. 11. John Wayne-a-thon on channel 2. 12. Trying to figure out all the words to that Nirvana song. 13. UCBTalking to anyone you won't ever spend intimate time with. Same goes for IRC and Broadcast. 14. Watering plants. Dead plants. Rocks. Dirt. The cat. 15. Trying to draw a perfect circle freehand, with crayons. 16. Singing along with "Achy Breaky Heart" over and over again. What catchy lyrics that song has, eh? 17. Second-guessing your clock. (Also works well with Traffic Lights, and simply anything that blinks on and off forever) 18. Driving to every 7-11 (or Circle K) in town, just to check that they are being faithful to their "Open 24 Hours" policies. 19. Trying to figure out just why Wil Wheaton is a star. 20. Pricking yourself with a pin every 5 minutes, just for the heck of it. 21. Reading all the articles in your entire Playboy collection to see how relevant they are to today's economy. 22. Spinning round and round in circles until you get so dizzy you hurl. Repeat in opposite direction. Figure out which way makes you blow chunks faster. Try to keep spinning while heaving. 23. Coming up with as many colorful euphemisms for the term "vomit" as possible. (e.g. spew, yak, ralph, etc...) 24. Thinking about ways the world would be different if there was no cement. 25. Spelunking. In your basement. 26. Price shopping for beef jerky at any 24-hour supermarkets. 27. Thinking about that 14-year old brat who sent in $1000 to Clinton, when you splurge on a Whopper Combo. 28. Making popcorn, or blowing balloons. (Sorry, inside joke. They are still NOT good reasons to pull an all-nighter, however) 29. Pulling out each strand in a Koosh ball. Reassemble the koosh ball. Repeat. Juggle on occasion. 30. Pretending it is really 12 hours later than it is. (i.e. Going to classes, eating lunch, waiting for the soaps to come on...) 31. Just watching that flashing 12:00 on your VCR because you looked at your other clocks already, and are simply looking for a second opinion. 32. Rearranging your room all night long, attempting to make the WORST setup possible, just to show that you would do such a thing. 33. Learn how to communicate better with the animal kingdom. 34. Trying to figure out how that counter works on a VCR. Once you do figure it out, borrow a friend's VCR. Repeat until insane. 35. Memorizing all the area codes. (Other good things: local phone prefixes, zip codes, time zones, etc...) 36. Wanting to see cool times on your clock like 1:23, 6:66, 4:56, 00:69, 6:30, etc... (If you actually look for some of these times, you may end up waiting more than all night...) 37. Pulling all your hair out so you can organize it by color, length, thickness, straightness. Continue doing so until they haul you off to the loony bin. 38. Learning sanskrit, serbo-croatian, ancient french, klingon, or any other language you probably won't have much call for. 39. Anything that has to do with Star Trek. (ESPECIALLY watching Star Trek 5 or 1 really... or that Deep Space show....) 40. Catching up with all those missed episodes of Coach you taped, so you can follow along with the current, in-depth plotline. 41. Buying large amounts of bubble wrap, popping it ALL, then using it to ship stuff. Breakable stuff. 42. You HAVE a life, yet you spend it reading lists like this. 43. Getting high on Marks-A-Lot markers. 44. Holding yourself hostage, but not telling anyone. Make large demands. 45. Trying to find food combinations that taste really bad. 46. Pondering all the hardships Michael Jackson has gone through in his life. Writing him a sympathy card would be a nice touch. 47. House of cards. 48. Reliving the war. Any war. Maybe a childhood schoolyard fight. Maybe just you stubbing your toe on that damned couch again. 49. Playing with heat-sensitive toys. 50. Writing "Top 50" lists. Be creative. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Q: What do you call a shed full of lesbians? A: A liquor barn! Q: What do you call an island full of lesbians? A: Liquor land!! Q: Why did the lesbian cut short her overseas trip? A: She missed her native tongue... Q: How do you know if you've walked into a Lesbian Bar? A: Even the PoolTable hasn't got balls. Q: Why do Lesbians likes kit Homes? A: Because they've got no studs and they're all tongue-in-groove... Q: Whats the definition of frenzy? A: Two blind lesbians in a Fish Market... 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 How to be a Good Son and Learn from Your Father by Dino Londis The moment you were born, before you took your first breath, you were slapped on the ass. This is for complicating your parent's life nine months ago and ruining their vacation . At first you're impressed because you're being slapped by a doctor. But you soon realize the doctor is not your Dad. Your Dad's the schmuck giving out cigars in the other room. The same cheap cigars he smoked around your mother during her pregnancy. That's my story. Actually, my mother also drank a fifth of Stoli and smoked a pack of Camels every day of her pregnancy with me. She even took a hit or two of pot every once in awhile and it never affected me at all. Except now I'm just very, very cool. When you think of the father of the United States, you think of George Washington. How often have you heard the term, "George Washington slept here." He slept in many places as he led his troops to victory. He's known as the "Father of the United States" because he met a lot of women along the way. You put it together. Yes he chopped down the cherry tree, but the cherry tree was a metaphor for something else. I'm not going to explain it any more than that. If you don't get it, move on. What is a Dad? Better question is, "Who is your Dad?" Your Dad is man in the other room in his underwear with a beer watching football. He's the man who has done some of his best parenting between commercials. He's the man who gives you an allowance, teaching you responsibility. My father started me off at a dollar a week allowance. Back then that was a lot of money. But soon it wasn't enough because I was getting older and starting to take my friends out. I was ten. So I gathered my courage and asked him for more money. He said, "Dino, I'm very proud of you. Essentially, you are asking for a raise. Let me talk about it with your mother and I'll get back to you in a week." He came back a week later, sat me down and said, "Your Mother and I have been talking about your raise and... we're going to have to let you go."That was my father. You soon realize that he hates football more than he hates his life, but it's three precious hours that he can tell your Mother to shut up because the game is on. Come on, who cares if the Washington Whatevers are down by ten over the Seattle Somethings? It only really matters to the men in the game. And they're only playing to get away from their wives. Treat your father well. He's the only one you have. Which you realize is a blessing, when he's beating the living hell out of you for breaking the car window. Imagine three or four of them whipping you, tag teaming until you were dead. Speaking of getting the belt, certain times are better than others for breaking car windows. _NEVER_ do it on the weekends; that's when he's fresh. No, you want to break a window Wednesday through Friday. It's the end of the week and he's spent from work. My Dad was a very strong disciplinarian. When I acted up, he would hit me...with the car. In this culture boys don't have a rite of passage. The closest we have is finding your father's box of pornography in the garage. Sure the hair styles are dated, but it isn't the hair we care about In a word, you should love and respect your father because he offers you so much. He's the one who throws your first baseball at you. Of course your running away at the time. He's the one who teaches you how to listen to your mother without missing a moment of "Seinfeld", and in some extreme cases, he actually plays a father figure in your life. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 *** BLONDE JOKES *** 1. How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. They think the world revolves around them. 2. Why don't blondes like making Kool-Aid? Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet. 3. Why did the blonde climb the glass wall? To see what was on the other side. 4. What do blondes and cow pies have in common? The older they get, the easier they are to pick up. 5. Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels? More head room! 6. Why don't blondes eat pickles? Because they get their heads stuck in the jar. Because the jars have lids, not zippers. 7. Why do blondes wear panties? To keep their ankles warm. 8. What do blondes say after making love? "Are you boys all on the same team?" 9. How does a blonde turn on the light after sex? She opens the car door. 10. What do blondes and turtles have in common? Once on their back, they're screwed. 11. What's the mating call of a blonde? "I think I'm drunk!" 12. What's the mating call of a brunette? "Has the blonde gone home yet?" 13. Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink? That's where you wash vegetables. 14. Why does the blonde have T.G.I.F. written on her tennis shoes? Toes Go In First 15. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common? They're both empty from the neck up. 16. How do you give a blonde a brain transplant? Blow in her ear. 17. How do you get a blondes eyes to sparkle? Shine a flashlight in her ear. 18. What do you call a zit on a blondes butt? A brain tumor. 19. What's the advantage of being married to a blonde? You can park in a handicapped zone. 20. How do you make a blonde laugh on a Monday morning? Tell her the joke on Friday afternoon. 21. If a blonde and a brunette jumped off a 20-story building at the same time, who would hit the ground first? The brunette. The blond would stop and ask for directions. 22. How can you tell that a blondes has had a bad day? She has a tampon behind her ear, and she doesn't know what she did with her pencil. 23. What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms? "Way to go team!" 24. How can you tell if a blonde owns a vibrator? Chipped teeth. 25. Why did the blonde have square breasts? She forgot to take the Kleenex out of the box. 26. How can you tell that a blondes been using your computer? There's White-out all over the screen. 27. Why do blondes have so much free time? Because so little is expected of them. 28. What do you call a brunette standing between two blondes? An interpreter. (Editor: I report all, even the weak!) 29. How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? Three. One to mix the batter, two to peel the M&Ms. 30. How do you drive a blonde insane? Ask her to alphabetize your M&Ms. 31. How do you keep a blonde baby amused? Give her a mirror and some makeup. 32. What do you call a blonde wearing a brunette wig? Artificial intelligence. 33. What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill on top of her head? All you can eat for under a buck. 34. Why is it so difficult for a blonde to get a driver's license? They can't reach the pedals from the back seat. 35. How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?? None. They only screw in cars. 36. What's the difference between a blonde and a Ferrari? You can usually find a guy who hasn't been in a Ferrari. 37. What do you call three blondes standing shoulder to shoulder, ear to ear? A wind tunnel. 38. What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? She goes home. 39. Why did God give blondes one more brain cell than a horse? So when they're waving in a parade, they won't crap in the street. 40. How do you tell if a bleached blonde did your landscaping? The bush in front is a different color than the other foliage. 41. What did the blonde have tattooed on her inner thigh? a. "Welcome home, USS Saratoga." b. "Welcome home, troops of Desert Storm." 42. What's the similarity between a blonde and a plate of Jello? They both quiver when you eat them. 43. What do you call a blonde with a PhD in nuclear engineering? Honey. 44. How does a blonde know that she's slept with an elephant? a. The smell of peanuts on his breath, b. She's pregnant for 23 months, and c. The big 'E' on his pajamas. 45. What's the best way to murder a blonde? Put a mirror on the bottom of the swimming pool. 46. What's the difference between blondes and whores? Blondes have more money, or blondes skirts are shorter, or blondes wiggle more when they walk. 47. What's the difference between a blonde and a brunette whore? The color of her hair. 48. Did you hear about the blonde that liked younger men? She started sleeping with Cub Scouts, but her doctor made her quit when she got up to three Packs a day. 49. Blondes put perfume behind their ears. What do brunettes have to put behind their ears to attract men? Their knees. 50. Why did the blonde have a sore belly button? Her boy friend was blonde too. 51. Is it true that blondes have more fun? No, but their boy friends do! 52. What do you call fifteen blondes standing in a circle? A dope ring. 53. If Tarzan and Jane were blondes, what would Cheetah be? The smartest of the three. 54. What would have happened if Pee Wee Herman were blond? He would have had something better in his hand. 55. What would the press have called Jeffery Dahmer, if he were blonde? That silly psychopathic murderer. 56. Why is it so hard to teach a blonde to drive? a. They keep getting in the back seat, or b. they think the steering wheel's a clothes rack. 57. What do you call a prostitute and three blondes? Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks. 58. What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common? They both have black boxes. 59. What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back. 60. How do you kill a blonde? Put spikes on her shoulder pads. 61. Two blondes were walking along and came to some tracks. One blonde said "those look like deer tracks" and the other said, "No, they look like moose tracks." They were both still arguing when the train hit them. 62. What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball? You can only fit three fingers in a bowling ball. 63. What do you call a group of blondes in a freezer? Frosted flakes. 64. What did the blonde call her pet zebra? Spot. 65. What do you call 1,000 blondes at the bottom of the sea? A good start. 66. What do you call a blonde with an I.Q. of 250? A crowd. 67. Why don't blondes where hooped earrings? Because they get their heels caught in them. 68. What's the difference between a blonde and a brick? A brick wont follow you around after you lay it. 69. What do a blonde and a computer have in common? You don't really appreciate them until they go down. 70. Did you hear about the blonde that was driving from New York to California, who kept seeing the sign "Clean Rest Rooms Ahead"? It took her three weeks to get there. 71. Did you hear about the blonde going to California? She saw a sign that said, "CALIFORNIA LEFT", so she went home. 72. What do you call an intelligent blonde? A golden retriever. 73. Why don't blondes become pharmacists. They cant figure out how to get that little bottle in the typewriter. 74. Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory? She kept throwing away all of the W's. 75. Why cant blondes make ice cubes? They don't know the recipe. 76. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? Is it mine? 77. Why was the blonde grabbing at the air? She was trying to collect her thoughts. 78. Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears? So she wouldn't get hearing aids. 79. What is the difference between an intelligent blonde and bigfoot? Bigfoots been sighted. 80. Why didn't the blonde like duck hunting? She couldn't throw her lab high enough. 81. How did the blonde die smoking when she was driving down the freeway. She through the wrong butt out the window. 82. Two blondes were driving along and the one blonde asked the other to check and see if her turn signal was working. The other blonde replied it is, it isn't, it is, it isn't, it is, it isn't. 83. Why did the blonde keep driving around the block? Her turn signal was stuck. 84. What do blondes like that is six inches long and has a head on it. A hundred dollar bill. 85. Did you hear about the blonde and the jigsaw puzzle? She was so proud of herself because it only took her two months to finish it and the box said 2 to 3 years. 86. How do you get a blonde on the roof? Tell her drinks are on the house. 87. What is the definition of gross ignorance? 144 blondes. 88. What is a dope ring? Twelve blondes sitting in a circle. 89. How do blondes get holes in their forehead? Learning to eat with a fork. 90. How do you measure a blondes I.Q. With at tire gauge. 91. What goes "VROOM-SCREECH, VROOM-SCREECH"? A blonde driving through a red flashing light. 92. What did the blonde yell in an emergency? "What is the number of 911?" 93. Did you hear about the blonde that tried to blow up her husbands car? She burned her lips. 94. Did you hear about the depressed blonde at the license bureau? She was upset because she got an "F" in sex. 95. What do you call 25 blondes on top of each other? An air mattress. 96. A brunette says, "Look there's a dead bird." The blonde looked up and asks, "Where?" 97. Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem. 98. Why don't you let blondes take coffee breaks? It takes to long to retrain them. 99. How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook? She gets the Pop-Tart out of the toaster in one piece. ... Stupidometer: 栢栢栢栢栢栢栢栢같같같같� 64% 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 WHAT DO YOU CALL FOUR HOMO-SEXUALS IN A VAN...? THE AIDS TEAM....!!! WHO FIRST BROUGHT AIDS INTO THE COUNTRY...? A BUM....!!! WHAT DO YOU CALL A HOMO-SEXUAL WHO HAS'NT GOT AIDS....? SMART ARSE....! HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE HOMOSEXUAL JUDGE..? HE TRIED THE ACCUSED ON THE BENCH..! HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE HOMESEXUAL COWBOY..? HE RODE INTO TOWN AND SHOT-UP THE SHERIFF..! PHSYCIATRIST: "BRUCE,I'VE GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS FOR YOU, THE BAD NEWS IS,YOU ARE A HOMOSEXUAL." BRUCE: "DOCTOR,WHAT'S THE GOOD NEWS." PHSYCIATRIST: "I LOVE YOU.." HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE HOMOSEXUAL PRIEST..? HE TRIED HIS ORGAN ON A NEW HIM..! HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE HOMOSEXUAL UNDERTAKER.? HE WAS IN DEAD ERNEST..!!!!!! TWO QUEERS DECIDED TO GO TO THE CATHLIC CHURCH ON THE SUNDAY TO SEE WHAT THE SERVICE IS LIKE. WHEN THE PRIEST-PARADE CAME WALKING IN THE ONE QUEER LEANT OVER AND PATTED THE GUY SWINGING THE INCENSE ON THE SHOULDER, SAYING: "EXCUSE ME DOLL, I LIKE YOUR DRAG, BUT YOUR HANDBAG'S ON FIRE". HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE HOMOSEXUAL ELECTRICIAN ? HE GOT WIRED TO HIS MATE....! HAVE YOU HEARD THE HOMOSEXUAL MAGICIAN ? HE DISAPPEARED WITH A PUFF...! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 {ed There are a zillion of these computer glossaries floating around, but this one was actually amusing.} beta test, v. To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three. In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos. bit, n. A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25 cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years ago. buzzword, n. The fly in the ointment of computer literacy. clone, n. 1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their product." 2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product is a clone of our product." enhance, v. To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment. genlock, n. Why he stays in the bottle. guru, n. A computer owner who can read the manual. handshaking protocol, n. A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initate a terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling. italic, adj. Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases. Unique to Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases are often slanted to the left. Japan, n. A fictional place where elves, gnomes and economic imperialists create electronic equipment and computers using black magic. It is said that in the capital city of Akihabara, the streets are paved with gold and semiconductor chips grow on low bushes from which they are harvested by the happy natives. kern, v. 1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear of corn. 2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small, metal object used as part of the monetary system. modem, adj. Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie." An unfortunate byproduct of kerning. pixel, n. A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays. The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology: Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department. prototype, n. First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, folowed by pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version, upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its successors, the prototype is not expected to work. revolutionary, adj. Repackaged. Unix, N. A computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off with the workstation harem. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Shit, a Happening Substance [컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴�] SHIT HAPPENS IN VARIOUS Operating Systems: Unix: Shit Happened. Core dumped. Macintosh: [Icon of Shit] Shit Happened ID = 02 [Disabled Resume Button] [Enabled Restart Button] MS-DOS: Shit: > MS-WINDOWS This Shit has violated system integrity SHIT HAPPENS IN VARIOUS PEOPLE George Bush: Read my lips, no nude shit. But a thousand points of shit. Saddam Hussein: This shit happening will be the mother of all shit happenings. Martin L. King: I have a shit... John F. Kennedy: Ich bin ein Scheisser. Vladimir Lenin: The fastest and most complete way to destroy a culture is to make its shit happen. Joseph McCarthy: Are you now, or have you ever been, a happening shit? Richard Nixon: I am not a shit. Ronald Reagan: I don't recall if shit happened. Nancy Reagan: Just say, `Shit happened.' Socrates: I am shit. But I know I am shit. Aristotle: Once a shit is stretched by an idea, it never again happens in its original shape. Galileo: They say shit isn't happening. Nevertheless it still happens. Blaise Pascal: We are just shit. But we are thinking shit. R. Descartes: I shit therefore I am. A. Einstein: God does not play shit. W. Heisenberg: The more accurately we observe when shit happened, the less accurately we observe how big the shit was that happened. E. Schrodinger: There's a 50% chance that shit happened. And a 50% chance that it didn't. F. Nietzche: If shit had never happened, man would create shit. Ayn Rand: Reason and shit are corollaries. Where reason is used, shit happens. Sturgeon: 90% of everything is shit. Yuri Gagarin: Shit was blue. Neil Armstrong: For me, that was just a little shit. But when that shit happened, it was one giant leap for mankind. Bart Simpson: I will not say, `Shit happened' in the class. Al Bundy: This is shit. This is shit when you get married and drop the shit on the ground. Bill Cosby: Shit is happening to _The Simpsons_. Buckaroo Bonzai:No matter where shit happens, there you are. HAL: Dave, I'm in deep shit. Dr. Chandra, will I shit? Dave: Oh my god! It's full of shit! Obi Wan: Use your shit, Luke. Marty Mcfly: Don't ever never call me shit. Gremlins: Don't shit after 12 o'clock. Jessica Rabbit: I'm not shit. I'm just drawn that way. Robocop: Please stay out of deep shit. Michael Valentine Smith: Shit groks. 1st Law of Robotics: Robots should not shit or let shit come to happen. Hari Seldon: Each shit is random. But mob shit is predicable. Yuppie: It's my shit! All mine! Isn't it beautiful? God: Wholly shit! SHIT HAPPENS IN VARIOUS RELIGIONS ATHEISM: I don't believe this shit. AGNOSTICISM: It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so I'm not sure whether its shit or not. BAPTIST: You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it. BUDDHISM: If shit happens, it isn't really shit. CATHOLICISM: If shit happens, you deserved it. CHRISTIAN SCIENCE: When shit doesn't happen, don't call a doctor--pray. CONFUCIANISM: Confucius say, `Shit happens.' EXISTENTIALISM: Shit doesn't happen; shit is. HINDUISM: This shit happened before. ISLAM: If shit happens, it's the Will of Allah. JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES: No shit happens until Armaggedon. JUDAISM: Why does shit always happen to US? MORMON: Hey, there's more shit over here! OBJECTIVISM: Shit=Shit PROTESTANTISM: Let shit happen to someone else. RASTAFARIANISM: Let's smoke this shit. REFORM JUDAISM: Got any Kaopectate? SECULAR HUMANISM: Shit evolves. SHI'ITE MOSLEM: When Shi'ite happens, kill Salman Rushdie. TELEVANGELISM: Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop happening. TAOISM: Shit is the highest good. When shit happens, it benefits all things generously and is without strife. UNITARIANISM: Go ahead, shit anywhere you want. WICCA: If shit happened once, it will happen twice more. ZEN BUDDHISM: What is the sound of one shit happening? VARIOUS TYPE OF SHIT THE GHOST SHIT: That's the kind where you feel the shit come out, have shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the toilet. THE CLEAN SHIT: The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper. THE WET SHIT: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwipped so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underware so you don't ruin them with a brown stain. THE SECOND WAVE SHIT: It happens when you're done shitting, you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to shit some more. THE BRAIN HEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT or THE POP A VEIN IN YOUR FORHEAD SHIT: The kind where you strain so much to get it out that you practically have a stroke. THE CORN SHIT: Self-explanatory. THE LINCON LOG SHIT: The kind of shit that is so huge that you're afraid to flush the toilet without breaking it into a few pieces with your toilet brush. THE DRINKER'S SHIT: That is the kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticable trait is the tread marks left on the bottom of the toilet. THE GEE, I WISH I COULD SHIT, SHIT: It's the kind where you want to shit, but all you can do is sit on the toilet cramped, and fart a few times. THE SPINAL TAP SHIT: That's the kind where it hurts so much coming out that you swear it was leaving you sideways. THE WET CHEEKS SHIT or THE POWER DUMP: That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water. THE QUAD SHIT: That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splatters all over the inside of the toiletbowl, the whole time, chronically burning your tender anus. THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT: A class all of its own. THE OTTOMAN SHIT: The kind where the odor of the mess creeps out of the restroom and throughout the building to make the entire building sick or near evacuation. (This has been noted to happen in several bowling alleys in the past few years especially.) 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 101 Ways to be Obnoxious on Usenet ---------------------------------- by Alan Meiss, ameiss@indiana.edu Note to the profoundly impaired: this list is intended as humor, and consists mostly of things that you should NOT do. NOT NOT NOT do. Once more, slowly, d-o-n-'-t d-o t-h-e-s-e t-h-i-n-g-s. If you do, you're a bad, naughty person. Bad person! Naughty! Naughty, *bad* person! Ok, now that *that's* out of the way, without further ado... 1. Post a message asking how to post messages. 2. Lead a tireless crusade for the creation of newsgroups with silly names like alt.my.butt.is.hairy. 3. Put 4 addresses, 5 lines of "Geek Code", 6 ASCII-art bicycles, a PGP key, and your home phone in your signature. 4. Reinvigorate a discussion by switching attributions in followups. 5. Post recipes on rec.pets.cats. 6. Post a compendium of old articles from a thread that died months ago with a title such as "*** HAS JOE SMITH FORGOTTEN HIS LIES? ***" 7. Post a 56-part binary MPG file of your dog throwing up to news.answers. Announce that you screwed it up and repeat. 8. On the MST3K groups, ask what happened to Joel. 9. Ask readers of rec.music.misc to post their favorite Zeppelin tune "for a poll". 10. Reacquaint the readers of rec.humor with the "two-strings-go-in-a-bar" joke. 11. Determine a perversion so bizarre or obscure that it doesn't yet have its own sex group. 12. Post your new "War Heroes of India" FAQ to soc.culture.pakistan. 13. Start this week's new AOL virus rumor. 14. Format your posts for 90 columns (or 20). 15. Provide a valuable public service by notifying the eager readers of roughly 1,200 newsgroups of your new "HOOTERAMA" phone sex service or "PorqWhiffe" pheramone cologne. 16. Post elaborate conspiracy theories to talk.politics.misc detailing how ATF agents under the control of Chelsea Clinton and Socks have implanted invisible microchips in your genitals. 17. Fill that empty mailbox, make new friends, delight your postmaster, and selflessly lead others to riches with a few "MAKE MONEY FAST" posts. 18. Attempt to sell your sweaty underwear in alt.clothing.lingerie. 19. Follow up a 200-line post to add only your signature. 20. Crosspost Amiga articles to the Mac and PC newsgroups for a valuable interchange of provocative ideas. 21. Announce a mailing list for Bill Gates' VISA card number. 22. Inform the readers of alt.sex that your friend at a particular address is taking a penis length survey, and the first 1000 people to send him their measurements will receive free naked pictures of Cindy Crawford. 23. Correct every spelling mistake you encounter, but misspell the word "imbecile" in your followup flames. 24. Flame yourself, and complain to your own postmaster. 25. Ask readers of the Star Trek groups when they last had dates. 26. Post personal ads on groups such as alt.sex.diapers listing your work phone number. 27. Post under the name Dave Rhodes. 28. Followup every post in a newsgroup ranking them on a scale from 1 to 10. 29. Establish your own little Usenet niche by writing a Wink Martindale FAQ. 30. Advise other readers to ftp to 127.0.0.1 for "really cool nudie pics". 31. Post daily word searches to rec.puzzles. 32. Post your trig homework to sci.math and ask the readers to e-mail you the answers, since you "don't read the group". 33. Provoke insightful and productive debates on fresh new topics such as abortion, gun control, the existence of God, penile circumcision, and the relative superiority of Mac or PC operating systems. 34. Pick a cutesy handle that inspires vicarious embarrassment in other readers, such as "SoHot4U", "SokSnifer", or "WetNWild". 35. Maintain a high-level of constructive decorum by addressing someone with whom you disagree as "monkey boy". 36. Inform the readers of the sex groups that they're "going straight to hell", and then proceed to followup a variety of titillating posts. 37. Post to alt.folklore.urban that this guy that a friend of your uncle's ex-girlfriend's boss knew received the donated heart of River Phoenix. 38. Relentlessly inform the readers of groups such as rec.pets.iguanas or sci.agriculture of your UFO, JFK, OJ, NRA, NSA, Nutrasweet, and Azeri genocide theories. Relate them all to sunspot activity and ancient astronauts. 39. Post instructions telling other readers how to put you in their killfile. 40. Post whining, misspelled, and vaguely creepy personal ads in wildly inappropriate newsgroups, and followup to berate the readers for not responding. 41. Announce that a particular site has opened up a new combination OJ Jury Info/Homemade Bombs/Kiddie Porn/Scientology Documents/Computer Subliminal Hypnosis ftp archive. 42. Construct a device that lets your pets post to Usenet by pawing or pecking a feeder bar. 43. Post the Niemann Marcus cookie recipe to rec.food.recipes. 44. Eliminate nearly all meaningful traffic on a newsgroup for weeks by challenging its readership to come up with as many synonyms as possible for the word vomit. 45. Accuse other posters of being AI experiments, Perl scripts, or Emacs macros. 46. Claim that you can see "hidden images" in another person's posting when you cross your eyes. 47. Ask Austrian readers about kangaroos. 48. Ask Australian readers about alpine skiing. 49. Include Rush lyrics or Rush quotes in all your posts. 50. Accuse female posters of being male. 51. Make an anonymous posting accusing others of cowardice. 52. Accuse a fellow AOL or Prodigy subscriber of being a "newbie" because their 3 months on the net are dwarfed by your own span of 4. 53. Insist that anyone objecting to your compulsive fascination with consuming the flesh of strangled disabled minors is "judgemental". 54. If you've grown tired of typing, effectively end a thread by accusing others of being Nazis. 55. Ask readers of soc.culture.nordic whether the Swedish Chef has a Sampo. 56. Write and regularly post a FAQ about yourself. 57. Post graphic descriptions of your bowel movements, genital sores, and various suppurating wounds to alt.tasteless. 58. Ask readers of sci.med for urgent, step-by-step instructions on removing arrows, or inquire why all your extremities have turned dark purple. 59. Insist that there's no such state in the U.S. as "New Mexico". 60. Post only in Esperanto. 61. Claim a copyright on the word "Usenet", and followup with a bill all posts you encounter that contain it. 62. Sell "posting permits" in news.announce.newusers. 63. Post single-part text messages in MIME format. 64. Ask the readers of rec.sewing whether any of them want to be the drummer for your new band, "Death Monkeys". 65. Claim to be an amorous highschool cheerleader while posting under a name such as "Robert Bradley Smith, Jr." 66. In the spirit of purest optimism, ask other readers to followup with their account passwords and credit card numbers. 67. Why use a single question mark or exclamation point when you can use at least thirty?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? 68. List a cute organization name in your header, such as "Canadians for Global Warming". 69. Insult a poster from another nation based on his country's performance in World War II. 70. Post vitriolic, frothing, hair-trigger flames in polite newsgroups, as if you were a testosterone-crazed adolescent debating which shotgun is superior in alt.games.doom. 71. Followup spam posts in the belief that the originator, who probably follows the group closely and is desperately curious about receiving feedback, will see your impassioned plea and be so moved by your lengthy, point-by-point indictment of their conduct that they pledge to desist from such activity for all time. 72. Regardless of its accuracy, followup another post with the line "BZZZT! Wrong answer!" or "Hello! McFly!" 73. Use a 120-line ASCII graphic of Spock as your signature. 74. Post to soc.culture.women asking "what's your favorite brand of oven mitt, little ladies?" 75. Post to news.annnounce.newusers asking if there are any nurses in Portland willing to spank you. Followup with an apology. Followup again with the original article. 76. Post with a newsreader that replaces punctuation marks with strange, non-ASCII characters. 77. Steer all debates to your own pet subjects of expertise, regardless of their relevance. 78. Make it clear from your postings that you've a profound inability to distinguish "The X Files" as fiction. 79. Insist that another poster is really Serdar Argic or Kibo. 80. Post 20-part encoded image files from NASA ftp archives that you claim show clear evidence of alien settlements. 81. Insinuate vague conspiracies in all your posts. 82. Spam post alarming ten-year-old files about Congressional bills to tax modem usage "in the name of freedom". 83. Claim that unidentified government agencies are censoring your posts. 84. Ask readers to collect aluminum pop-tops on behalf of Craig Shergold. 85. Ask readers of comp.sci.algorithms how to get Super Mario to the castle. 86. POST IN ALL CAPS. 87. omit all punctuation 88. omitallspaces. 89. DOALLTHREEOFTHEABOVE 90. Ask the readers of alt.current-events.net-abuse where to purchase Cantor and Siegel's book. 91. Post the phone number of the Michigan Militia to alt.conspiracy as the "Classified ATF Secret Hotline". 92. Compose an exhaustively researched 15-part FAQ detailing the favorite movie musicals of relatives of the Deep Space Nine cast. Post it weekly in its entirety. 93. Strive to ensure that no two consecutive words in your posts are correctly spelled. 94. Enrich the lives of thousands with a thoughtful and impassioned debate on the topic "AOL users suck". 95. Dispense essential and priceless financial advice, such as the assertion that no one is legally required to pay taxes. 96. Demand that others cease using the letter e, as you find it "dply offnsiv". 97. Post to rec.music.misc insisting that "Curt Kobain should leave Pearl Jam since they'll never tour again." 98. Assume that the entire Usenet hierarchy shares your interest in helping lonely Ukrainian lasses find love. 99. Followup another person's posts every twelve minutes to accuse them of "obsessing". 100. Followup two dozen of another person's posts to accuse them of harassing you. Send copious e-mail if you're ignored. 101. Start pointless debates over topics such as whether Whoopi Goldberg has eyebrows, what happens when you cross the International Dateline, and whether the bad guy in Popeye cartoons was named "Bluto" or "Brutus". 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 14, 1979 Dearest John: I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised. With deepest love and devotion, Agnes Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 15, 1979 Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 16, 1979 Dearest John: Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind. Love, Agnes Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 17, 1979 Dear John, Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough. You're being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 18, 1979 Dearest John: What a surprise. Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings; one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Anges Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 19, 1979 Dear John: When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop. Cordially, Agnes Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 20, 1979 John: What's with you and those fucking birds? 7 swans a-swimming. What kind of God damned joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house, and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop with those fucking birds. Sincerely, Agnes Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 21, 1979 O.K. Buster: I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a-milking, but they had to bring their God damned cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smart ass. Agnes Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 22, 1979 Hey! Shithead, What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. They cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours, Agnes Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 23, 1979 You Rotten Prick, Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got the diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you. One who means it. Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Valley, Colorado December 24, 1979 Listen! Fuckhead, What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies. Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine. Your sworn enemy, Agnes Law Offices Badger, Bender and Cahole 303 Knave Street Chicago, Illinois December 25, 1979 Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached warrant for you arrest. Cordially, Badger, Bender and Cahole 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 WHAT DID THE HURRICANE SAY TO THE COCONUT TREE...? HOLD ONTO YOUR NUTS , THIS IS'NT GOING TO BE AN ORDINARY BLOW-JOB... WHAT DO YOU CALL A FEMALE CLOWN....? A CLUNT.... HOW DO YOU GET A KLEENEX TO DANCE...? BLOW A LITTLE BOOGIE INTO IT... WHAT DO YOU CALL A POLACK WITH AN I.OF 176...? A VILLAGE... DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE QUEER WHO GOT FIRED FROM THE SPERM-BANK...? HE WAS CAUGHT DRINKING ON THE JOB... DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE POLISH TROOP...? THEY WERE CAUGHT IN THE IRANIAN ZOO TRYING TO FREE THE OSTRICHES... WHY DO WOMEN HAVE LEGS...? SO THEY DON'T LEAVE ANY SNAIL TRAILS ON THE FLOOR... WHY CAN'T YOU CIRCUMSIZE AN IRANIAN...? BECAUSE THERE IS NO END TO THOSE PRICKS... WHY CAMELS KNOWN AS SHIPS OF THE DESERT...? BECAUSE THEY ARE FULL OF IRANIAN SEMEN... HOW DO YOU GET FOUR QUEERS ONTO A BAR STOOL...? TURN IT UP SIDE DOWN... WHY DON'T POLISH CHEERLEADERS DO THE SPLITS...? BECAUSE IF THEY DID , THEY WOULD STICK TO THE FLOOR... WHAT DO LINDA LOVELACE AND THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE HAVE IN COMMON...? THEY BOTH EAT SEMEN... WHAT DO ELEPHANTS USE FOR AS TAMPONS...? SHEEP... WHAT DO ELEPHANTS USE AS VIBRATORS...? EPELEPTIC PIGMIES... WHY DID HELEN KELLER USE TWO HANDS TO MASTURBATE...? ONE TO DO IT , THE OTHER TO MOAN WITH... DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE QUEER NAIL...? LAID IN THE ROAD AND BLEW A TYRE... WHY ARE EGGS SO FRUSTRATED...? THEY ONLY GET LAID ONCE , THEY ONLY GET EATEN ONCE AND YOU'VE GOT TO BOIL THEM TO GET HARD... WHY DON'T POLISH WOMEN BREAST FEED THEIR BABIES...? BECAUSE IT HURTS WHEN THEY BOIL THEIR NIPPLES... WHY DON'T POLISH PEOPLE EAT PICKLES...? BECUASE YOU CAN'T GET THEIR HEADS INTO THE JARS... WHAT IS A POLISH SHISKABOB...? A FLAMING ARROW THROUGH A GARBAGE CAN... WHAT DO YOU DO IN THE CASE OF A FALLOUT...? PUT IT BACK IN AND TAKE SHORTER STROKES... WHAT DO YOU DO WITH A DOG THAT DOESN'T HAVE ANY LEGS...? TAKE HIM FOR A DRAG... WHY IS THERE A STRING ON THE END OF A TAMPON...? SO THAT YOU CAN FLOSS AFTER EATING... HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN A POLISH GIRL IS MENSTRUATING...? SHE IS ONLY WEARING ONE SOCK... WHAT HAS SIX LEGS AND EATS PUSSY...? YOU , ME AND BILLY JEAN KING... HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE NEW HELEN KELLER DOLLS...? YOU WIND THEM UP AND THEY RUN INTO THE WALL... WHATS BETTER THAN ROSES ON YOUR PIANO...? TWO LIPS AROUND YOUR ORGAN... ONE OVARY SAYS TO THE OTHER OVARY "HEY DID YOU ORDER ANY FURNITURE", THE OTHER OVARY SAYS "NO! WHY", "THERE'S A COUPLE OF NUTS OUTSIDE TRYING TO SHOVE AN ORGAN IN"... WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A POLISH GIRL AND A BOWLING BALL...? YOU CAN ONLY GET THREE FINGERS INTO A BOWLING BALL... WHY WAS HELEN KELLERS ONE LEG YELLOW...? HER DOG WAS BLIND TOO...! WHY DID THE POLACK TRADE HIS WIFE FOR AN OUTHOUSE...? BECAUSE THE HOLE WAS SMALLER AND THE SMELL WAS BETTER...! WHERE DO YOU GET VIRGIN WOOL FROM...? FROM UGLY SHEEP...! WHAT DID ADAM SAY TO EVE "STAND BACK , I DON'T KNOW HOW BIG THIS GETS." HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE DEAF GYNECOLOGIST...? HE HAD TO LEARN TO READ LIPS...! WHATS GREEN AND SMELLS LIKE PIGS...? KERMIT'S FINGER...! THIS FACE SEATS FIVE...! WHY ARE CHICKENS SO UGLY...? YOU'D BE UGLY TO IF YOU HAD A PECKER HANGING OUT OF YOUR FOREHEAD...! DID YOU EVER HEAR ABOUT THE POLACK WHO THOUGHT "MOBY DICK" WAS A VENERAL DISEASE...! WHAT'S OLD AND WRINKLED AND SMELLS LIKE GINGER ROGERS...? FRED ASTAIRE'S FACE...! WHY ARE ICE HOCKEY GOAL-HOCKEY KEEPERS AND POLISH GIRLS ALIKE...? THEY BOTH CHANGE THEIR PADS AFTER 3 PERIODS...! WHY DO YOU CALL A GAY INDIAN...? A BRAVE FUCKER...! WHY DOES NANCY REAGAN ALWAYS CLIMB ON TOP...? BECAUSE RONALD CAN ONLY FUCK-UP WHY DO WOMEN HAVE TWO HOLES SO CLOSE TOGETHER...? IN CASE YOU MISS...! WHAT DO YOU CALL A BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN POLAND...? A TOURIST...! DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE NEW VIETNAMESE COOK BOOK...? 100 WAYS TO WORK YOUR DOG...! HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN A WOMAN IS WEARING PANTYHOSE...? WHEN SHE FARTS HER ANKLES SWELL...! WHAT DOES A GUY WITH A 12 INCH SCHLUNG HAVE FOR BREAKFAST...? I USUALLY HAVE BACON AND EGGS...! WHATS THE DEFINITION OF MASS CONFUSION...? FATHER'S DAY IN OAKLAND...! NEW RULES AT GIRLS BOARDING SCHOOL.............. "LIGHTS OUT BY 10 P.M. CANDLES OUT BY 11 P.M.". YOU MAY HAVE HEARD ABOUT THE "GOOD TIMES HAD BY ALL" - WELL THERE SHE GOES. DRUNK: "EXCUSE ME, BUT HAS A LEMON GOT LEGS.?" "NO", REPLIED THE BARMAN. "WELL THEN, I'VE JUST SQUEEZED YOUR CANARY INTO MY MARTINI". DIPLOMACY: THE ART OF SAYING "NICE DOGGY" UNTIL YOU CAN FIND A BRICK.. WHAT DO YOU CALL A HOMO-SEXUAL WITH THE SHITS...? LIQUI-FRUIT..! HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE NEW SEX-DRIVE PILLS FOR MALES..? IF YOU DON'T SWALLOW QUICKLY , YOU'LL GET A STIFF NECK...! WHAT IS THE MOST DIFFICULT PART OF COOKING A VEGETABLE..? GETTING THE WHEEL CHAIR INTO THE POT....! WHAT DOES A TEST TUBE BABY CALL ITS FATHER..? WANKER...! WHAT DO WOMEN PUT BEHIND THEIR EARS TO ATTRACT MEN.? THEIR LEGS. WHAT GOES FROM GREEN TO RED AT THE TOUCH OF A SWITCH ? A FROG IN A LIQUIDISER. HOW DO YOU KNOW A GIRL IS REALLY HOT? WHEN SHE GETS OF YOUR LEG AFTER SITTING ON IT FOR ONE MINUTE AND YOU'VE GOT A LOVEBITE THERE. DEFINITION OF DISAPPOINTMENT WHEN YOU GET OUT OF THE MOVIES AND YOUR FINGER IS FULL OF SHIT. WHAT IS GREY AND COMES IN PINTS? AN ELEPHANT THINK ABOUT IT? HOW DO YOU KEEP A CUNT IN SUSPENSE? SEE QUICK0XX FOR THE ANSWER. DONALD DUCK JUST DIVORCED DAISY DUCK, HER QUACK WAS TOO BIG. MICKY MOUSE WAS ACCUSED OF CALLING MINNIE MOUSE INSANE. HE EXPLAINED THAT HE HAD IN FACT NOT SAID THAT, BUT HAD SAID SHE WAS FUCKING GOOFY. GUY WITH BAD SMELLING LEFT ARMPIT COMPLAINS IT IS TIME THEY MADE MORE THAN JUST 'RIGHT GUARD' HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOU HAVE HAD A REALLY EVIL MUFF-DIVE? WHEN YOU WAKE UP WITH A LUMP IN YOUR THROAT, AND THERE IS A PIECE OF STRING HANGING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. THEY CALLED HER 'MARGARINE LEGS' 'COS THEY SPREAD SO EASILY. THE REASON THERE IS A POPULATION EXPLOSION IS BECAUSE IT'S SO MUCH FUN TO LIGHT THE FUSE. THERE IS NOTHING SO RESTFUL AS THE SLEEP OF THE JUST, EXCEPT, PERHAPS, THE SLEEP OF THE JUST AFTER. 'DARLING', SHE COOED, 'AM I THE FIRST GIRL YOU EVER MADE LOVE TO'? 'YOU MIGHT BE', HE REPLIED, 'YOU LOOK FAMILIAR'. HOW DO YOU TELL THE SEX OF A HORMONE ? TAKE ITS GENES OFF. WHAT IS PINKISH WHITE, SITS IN A CORNER AND GOES RED ALL OVER.? A BABY SUCKING A RAZOR BLADE.. HOW DO YOU UNLOAD A TRUCK-LOAD OF BABIES ? WITH A PITCH-FORK..! WHAT'S BLUE AND STINKS ? A DEAD GIRL GUIDE..! WHAT'S THE DIFERENCE BETWEEN AN S.A.L. AIR-HOSTESS AND A JELLY.? A JELLY MOVES WHEN YOU EAT IT..! WHAT IS AN ISRAELI PARATROOPER'S SURVIVAL KIT.? A FEZ AND A CLIP-ON FORESKIN...! HOW DO THE JAPS GIVE A MANICURE.? WITH A PAIR OF PLIERS...! HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOU ARE UPTIGHT ? WHEN YOUR BALLS GET SQUASHED AGAINST HER BUM , THEN YOU ARE UP , TIGHT ! DO YOU BELIEVE THAT THERE IS SEX AFTER DEATH ? WHAT ABOUT WHEN THEY SCREW YOU IN YOUR COFFIN ? HOW DOES AN AMERICAN TALK TO HIS WIFE WHILE MAKING LOVE ? BY TELEPHONE. WHAT IS AN AMERICAN'S IDEA OF FOREPLAY ? "GET READY MABEL" WHAT HAS A WALRUS AND TUPPER-WARE GOT IN COMMNON.? THEY BOTH LIKE A TIGHT SEAL WHY HAVE THE ELEPHANTS GOT BIG EARS ? BECAUSE NODDY WON'T PAY THE RANSOM. WHAT DOES A VIRGIN EAT FOR BREAKFAST ? XAVIERA HOLLANDER DOESN'T KNOW , EITHER. BLOKE GOES INTO A DOCTOR'S OFFICE AND SAYS "PLEASE HELP ME DOC , EVERYTIME I SNEEZE I HAVE AN ORGASM" "ARE YOU TAKING ANYTHING FOR IT ?" ASKS THE DOCTOR. "YES" SAYS THE BLOKE "SNUFF" WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF A VIRGIN.? IN ENGLAND - A GIRL UNDER 10. IN DENMARK - A FEMALE FOETUS. IN EGYPT - A CAMEL THAT CAN RUN FASTER THAN AN ARAB...! WHAT DO YOU GET FOR THROWING PETROL BOMBS IN IRELAND.? ABOUT 20 PROTESTANTS TO THE GALLON...! WHY DID PONDS CREAM.? BECAUSE MAX FACTOR..! (THINK) HEARD WHAT THE DOCTOR SAID WHEN HE FOUND AN ENEMA TUBE BEHIND HIS EAR ? OKAY , WHICH ONE OF YOU BUMS HAS GOT MY PENCIL ? WHY IS THE CAMEL CALLED 'THE SHIP OF THE DESERT'?. BECAUSE IT'S FULL OF ARAB SEMEN. DEFINITION OF THE PERFECT WOMAN : SCREWS UNTIL MIDNIGHT AND THEN TURNS INTO A SIX-PACK AND A HAM SANDWICH. HOW DO THEY SAY IN BELFAST? ONLY TEN SHOPS TILL CHRISTMAS. HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE GUY WHOSE FORESKIN PULLED BACK EVERY TIME HE CLOSED HIS EYES? HE WANKED HIMSELF TO DEATH IN A SANDSTORM. NUDIST BOY TO NUDIST GIRL IN NUDIST CAMP: 'DON'T LOOK NOW, BUT I THINK I AM FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU'. HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOUR MANAGER IS ON THE LEVEL ? HE DRIBBLES THE SAME FROM BOTH SIDES OF HIS MOUTH. HOW DO YOU MAKE A KITTEN BARK ? POUR PETROL ALL OVER IT THEN CHUCK A MATCH AT IT, THEN.... 'WOOOOOOF'. HOW DO YOU MAKE A PUPPY MEW LIKE A CAT ? PUT IT UP AGAINST A BUTCHERS BANDSAW AND PUSH, THEN ..... 'MEEOOWW' THE SAD STORY OF THE FAITH HEALER ON HONEYMOON, HE LEANED OVER AND TOUCHED IT AND IT HEALED UP. THE FELLOW WHO CROSSED A PARROT WITH A GORILLA ? GOT A BIG BIRD THAT SAID.. 'POLLY WANTS A BISCUIT, 'AND HE WANTS IT FUCKING NOW'. OH! TO BE THE SADDLE ON A LADIES BICYCLE.... WHAT'S WHITE AND WRITHES ON THE FLOOR ? COME DANCING. GOLDA MEIR OF ISRAEL TELEPHONES THE POPE AND SAYS 'CANCEL EASTER, WE'VE JUST FOUND THE BODY' THE FRENCHMAN WHO FELL ASLEEP AS SOON AS HIS FEET HIT THE PILLOW TWO BULLS IN A FIELD, ONE SAYS TO THE OTHER. "IT'S A BIT COLD , ITHINK I'LL SLIP INTO A JERSEY.. HEARD ABOUT THE TWO SCOTS POOFS ? BEN DOON AND PHIL MCAVITY 'APART FROM THAT, MRS LINCOLN, 'HOW DID YOU ENJOY THE PLAY ?' 'AND HOW MUCH WOULD YOU LIKE TO GIVE 'TO THE INDIAN RELIEF FUND, MRS CUSTER'? WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN AFTER-BIRTH AND A BRICK.? YOU CAN'T EAT A BRICK..! WHAT'S A LESBIAN NURSE'S FAVOURITE OPERATION ?? STRAPADICTOME. THE MOTHER KANGEROO LEAPED HIGH INTO THE AIR IN PAINED SUPRISE AND YELLED, 'WILLY, HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO SMOKE IN BED'? DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE TIME CHRISTINE KEELER WENT TO IRELAND. SHE WAS HALFWAY THERE BEFORE SHE LEARNT THAT A SEVENTEEN INCH MURPHY WAS A TELEVISION SET. I'M NOT SAYING MY WIFE IS FAT BUT IF SHE WERE A STRIPPER SHE WOULD HAVE TO WEAR A 'G' ROPE. SHE HAS HAD HER FACE LIFTED SO MANY TIMES THAT NOW THEY HAVE TO LOWER HER BODY. SHE'S A RED-HEAD, NO HAIR, JUST A RED HEAD. SHE ASKED ME ONCE WHAT I WOULD DO IF I CAME HOME AND FOUND HER IN BED WITH ANOTHER MAN. I SAID I'D BEAT HIM OVER HIS HEAD WITH HIS WHITE STICK. HOW DOES A FRENCH MAN INVITE A GIRL TO HIS VILLA FOR THE WEEK-END ? HE SENDS HER A FRENCH LETTER WITH "COME" IN IT. HOW DOES A FRENCHWOMAN HOLD HER LIQUOR ? BY THE EARS. WHAT IS A CHINAMAN WITH 87 BAYONET WOUNDS AND A HOSE STUCK UP HIS ARSE.? A JAPANESE SPRINKLER... WHAT'S GREEN AND HANGS BETWEEN THE BRANCHES OF TREES IN THE JUNGLE ? GORILLA SNOT. WHAT'S GREEN AND HANGS BETWEEN TWO STICKS ? A GANGRENOUS CRIPPLE. "HEY, LOVER" SAID THE HIPPIE TO A PRETTY FLOWER CHILD HE'D JUST MET "HAVE YOU EVER BEEN PICKED UP BY THE FUZZ?" "NO," SHE ANSWERED "BUT I BET IT REALLY HURTS" WHY ARE ABORTIONS'S ARMS CHOPPED OFF? SO THEY CANT CLIMB OUT OF THE ABORTION BUCKET. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A PICK-POCKET AND A PEEPING TOM? THE PICK-POCKET SNATCHES WATCHES... WHAT IS GREEN AND EATS NUTS ? SYPHILIS THERE'S SOMETHING ELSE ESKIMO NEL CAN DO WHICH YOU HAVEN'T HEARD ABOUT: SHE CAN BLOW-START A BOEING !!! WHAT DO YOU GET IF YOU RUB NOSES WITH AN ESKIMO.? SNIFILIS..! WHAT DO THEY SERVE AT CIRCUMCISIONS.? COCKTAILS HEARD ABOUT THE SHORT-SIGHTED CIRCUMCISER.? HE GOT THE SACK.! WHATS THE SIMILARITY BETWEEN THE RUSSIAN/POLISH BORDER AND A TAMPAX.? THEY BOTH KEEP THE REDS IN AND THE POLES OUT WHAT IS MULTI-COLOURED AND VERY DANGEROUS ? A NINE FOOT BUDGIE WITH A SUB-MACHINE GUN. WHAT DO YOU CALL A NINE FOOT BUDGIE ? 'SIR'. WHERE DOES A NINE FOOT BUDGIE SLEEP ? ANYWHERE IT WANTS TO. WHY DO DOGS LICK THEIR BALLS ? BECAUSE THEY CAN ! HOW DO YOU MAKE A HORMONE ? DON'T PAY HER. HOW DO YOU MAKE A VENETIAN BLIND ? POKE HIS EYES OUT. HOW DO YOU MAKE A MALTESE CROSS ? PUT A MATCH IN HIS EAR. HOW DO YOU MAKE A SWISS ROLL ? PUSH HIM OFF THE MOUNTAIN. I ONCE HAD A GIRL-FRIEND WHO STUTTERED, BEFORE SHE COULD SAY SHE WASN'T THAT KIND SHE WAS..! WHAT GOES IN DRY, COMES OUT WET, AND SATISFIES TWO PEOPLE ? A TEABAG. WHY DOES A WOMAN POSSESS A NAVEL...? SO THAT THE GUY HAS A PLACE TO PUT HIS CHEWING GUM WHILE HE IS MUFF-DIVING...! A RECENT CIGARETTE SURVEY DISCLOSED THAT 90% OF MEN WHO TRIED CAMELS GO BACK TO WOMEN. WHY DOES A SQUIRREL SWIM ON HIS BACK.? KEEP HIS NUTS DRY...!!! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 50 WAYS TO CONFUSE YOUR ROOMMATE 1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally. 2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class. 3. Twitch a lot. 4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep. 5. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them. 6. Become a subgenius. 7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG. 8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin. 9. Speak in tongues. 10. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling. 11. Walk and talk backwards. 12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them. 13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye." 14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man," Casablanca,") almost inaudibly. 15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench). 16. Collect all your urine in a small jug. 17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food. 18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are. 19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks." 20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Put hooks in your cheeks while reading them. 21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened. 22. Eat glass. 23. Smoke ballpoint pens. 24. Smile. All the time. 25. Pray to the Gods in Toledo. They enjoy your kneeling and facing away from them to get at your wallet more easily. 26. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously. 27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you. 28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances. 29. Paste pre and post nasal drips on the windows in occult patterns. 30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly. 31. Dye all your underwear lime green. 32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim. 33. Bye three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet. 34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it. 35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due). 36. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty. 37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks. 38. Array thirteen tooth brushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them. 39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley. 40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative. 41. Shave one eyebrow. 42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently. 43. Put horseradish in your shoes. 44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want. 45. Always flush the toilet three times. 46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often. 47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class. 48. Give him/her an allowance. 49. Listen to radio static. 50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up. ... � ** B010000012f4ced... Not NOW, stupid! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT SOUTHWESTERN DISTRICT OF ARIZONA ________________________________ WILE E. COYOTE, : Plaintiff : : v. : CIVIL ACTION NO. B19294 : ACME COMPANY, : Defendant : ________________________________: OPENING STATEMENT OF ARTHUR B. FUDDLE, ESQUIRE, COUNSEL FOR DEFENDANT By Mr. Fuddle: Ladies and Gentleman of the jury: the opening statement you have just heard from Mr. Schoff on behalf of the plaintiff, Wile E. Coyote, paints an incomplete picture of what occurred on the occasions when Mr. Coyote claims he was injured by ACME products. The evidence will clearly show that my client, ACME Products Corp., a Division of Dangerously Innovative Products and Patents Incorporated (or "DIPPI") is not at fault in this matter, and that any injuries sustained by the plaintiff were clearly caused by his own negligence, assumption of the risk and/or misuse of the products. Now, we have all seen the footage on television of the plaintiff withstanding various injuries which appear to be caused by ACME's products. You have seen over and over the tape of a hapless coyote being bludgeoned by a boulder as he is helplessly trapped by his ACME Spring Loaded Shoes. We have all seen the photographs taken at Warner Memorial Hospital of Mr. Coyote in a very small incubator, on life support, as his doctors attempt to straighten out the accordion-like folds from his body. We have all seen the gruesome images of the operation in which Dr. Tazmanian D. Devil whirls like a dervish, obscuring his features and creating a starry, "dust cloud" effect, while numerous limbs holding various surgical instruments swiftly repair the nerve damage to Mr. Coyote's extremities. It is normal for any human being to feel pity, horror, and even anger at such images. I want you to put those images aside for the moment, because they paint an incomplete picture. What the media has not disclosed to you, and what you will see in this courtroom, are various attempts at murder committed by the plaintiff - attempts which, fortunately, failed - while using my client's products. As the plaintiff readily admits, he is a predator, and his sole function in life is to track down and kill an innocent, highway traversing ornithoid. You see, ladies and gentleman, while the plaintiff is a natural predator, he is not a very good one. His own skills were inadequate to complete the task at hand, so he chose to seek the aid of various devices to effectuate his diabolical schemes. He looked in a catalogue, saw my client's products, and ordered them in the hope that they would assist him in killing his prey. But ladies and gentleman, ACME's products are not meant to cause intentional harm to anyone. The plaintiff has taken what were designed as amusements, toys for the young and feebleminded, and has twisted their use to his own purposes. But I digress. Let us examine the plaintiff's claims and how the evidence clearly refutes the proposition that ACME is responsible for any harm sustained by the plaintiff. Mr. Coyote states that on December 13 he received an ACME Rocked Sled, that he attempted to use said rocket sled to pursue his prey, and that, upon igniting the sled, it accelerated with "sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a length of fifty feet." There are several reasons why ACME cannot be held responsible for any injuries caused by this incident. First, the warning label attached conspicuously to the inside of the left front tire of the sled clearly stated, and I quote: "WARNING: IGNITION OF THIS DEVICE AT FULL THROTTLE MAY CAUSE SUDDEN AND PRECIPITATE FORCE AS TO STRETCH USER'S FORELIMBS TO A LENGTH OF UP TO SIXTY FEET, OR MAY CAUSE DEATH." That the plaintiff suffered so little as a result of his carelessness can be attributed only to Providence. Second, Arizona law is clear on this point: a plaintiff who is found to be violating any law whose purpose is safety at the time of his injury is contributorily negligent *per se*. There is ample evidence that Mr. Coyote was violating both the laws of gravity and inertia at the time of this incident, and thus he is responsible for his own woes. I could list many more examples of Mr. Coyote's negligent conduct in connection with his use of ACME's products, but you will hear all about them as the trial goes on. You will also hear the following evidence: (1) You will hear the plaintiff himself testify that, prior to the injuries complained of in this accident, he has suffered numerous injuries. As an example, on one occasion prior to the use of any ACME product, the plaintiff cornered his prey on the edge of a rather thin precipice. Taking an ordinary saw, the plaintiff began cutting away so that the edge of the cliff, with his prey on it, would drop some 1500 feet to a jagged, rocky destruction. Instead, by some inexplicable twist of fate the edge of the cliff remained standing while the whole mountain, on which the plaintiff was standing, plummeted to the bottom of the ravine, causing numerous injuries which affect the plaintiff to this day. On another occasion, Mr. Coyote was chasing his prey and followed it off of the edge of a cliff onto thin air, not realizing until too late that his prey, a bird, could remain in the air almost indefinitely while he, a canine, could not. As a result, he fell yet again, suffering even further severe and debilitating injuries which predate the injuries complained of in this action. (2) You will also hear the testimony of Mr. Road Runner, the plaintiff's prey and the true victim in this tragedy. Mr. Runner has been forced to live a nomadic lifestyle as a result of Mr. Coyote's unwanted attention, preventing him from forming any type of long term relationships. Numerous restraining orders had no effect. Mr. Runner has also suffered numerous psychological problems as a result of Mr. Coyote's actions, including but not limited to an inability to trust anyone who provides him with bird seed, a necessary ingredient in his daily nutritional schedule. (3) You will also hear from a witness to many of the incidents alleged in plaintiff's complaint, a colorful local prospector with red hair and moustache who has been known to proclaim: "No rootin' tootin' coyote can outsmart Yosemite Sam on any day of the week!" Don't be fooled by his gruff manner and twin pearl-handled six-shooters, he's a pussycat. (4) Customer service records of defendant ACME, which we were forced to produce in this matter, clearly show that none of the complaints registered by ACME's customers nation-wide have ever resulted in criminal convictions of the officers of the corporation. (5) Finally, videotape evidence will demonstrate that plaintiff faked many of his injuries, setting out to create performances especially for a jury such as yourself. On numerous occasions he would "mug" for the camera, as if he was well aware beforehand that he was being taped. For instance, during the "Rocked Sled" incident, as his forelimbs were stretched out ahead of him and his body remained behind, he looked straight into the camera with a forlorn, tired expression, as if to say: "look at how terrible my situation is, can you guess what's going to happen to me now." This jury is too smart to fall for such petty theatrics. In summary, ladies and gentlemen, it will be clear to you from the evidence that ACME's products, if used properly, will cause only minimal injuries to a user and his loved ones. The plaintiff in this case has brought his troubles upon himself by adopting his carnivorous lifestyle. As others have so adequately uttered: "Live by the Super Slick Jet Propulsion Automated Explosive Metal-Shearing Heat-Seeking Laser-Guided Razor-Edged Boomerang, die by the Super Slick, etc." I ask you, on behalf of my client, to dismiss the plaintiff's claims against it. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 � � /\dvertisements � � Everyday we see THOUSANDS of adverts, from newspapers ads to Television ads.. You turn on your TV, and there are adverts. You turn on your radio and there are adverts. You get in your car and take a drive and there are adverts. You go to a movie, and there are adverts. You log on to your local BBS .. and there are adverts ;-) Anyway. Sometimes these people who are trying to get their message across to us, make small mistakes... BUT these small mistakes can sometimes change the meaning ENTIRELY.... (and add a little humour to our lives as well ;-) * Saturday Morning 10:30 A.M. Easter Matinee. 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Memorable headlines JURY GETS DRUNK DRIVING CASE HERE MAN IS FATALY SLAIN NIGHT SCHOOL TO HEAR PEST TALK PRISONERS ESCAPE FROM PRISON FARM AFTER EXECUTION SUES BRIDE OF 4 MOUTHS HOTEL BURNS. TWO HUNDRED GUESTS ESCAPE HALF GLAD INFANT MORALITY SHOWS DROP HERE SANTA ROSA MAN DENIES HE COMMITTED SUICIDE IN SOUTH SAN FRANCISCO ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX SENATE PASSES DEATH PENALTY Measure provides for Electrocution for all persons over 17. Thugs eat then rob proprietor Scent foul play in death of man found bound and hanged Dog in bed, asks divorce WILD WIFE LEAGUE WILL MEET TONIGHT BOY COOKS MUST EAT OWN VITALS BACHELORS PREFER BEAUTY TO BRAINS IN THEIR WIVES LOCAL MAN HAS LONGEST HORNS IN ALL TEXAS OFFICER CONVICTED OF ACCEPTING BRIDE 40 MEN ESCAPE WATERY GRAVES WHEN VESSEL FLOUNDERS IN ALE 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES Kindergarten children were, over a year, introduced to computers through the means of films, books and field trips. When the year was over, their final tests papers, reports and homework assignments and orals were littered with pearls of computer wisdom and insight. A few of them follow... "Just yesterday when I read my libury book I knew real good what computers axaly do for us, but today it's a different coloured horse story." "What a 'bit' is has a very short memory on my end." "If you like to fool around with figures alot then become a design engineer. My Uncle Henry is one, and he fools around alot with figures." "They are producing more and more people to work on computers anally." "A lady computer operator and a man computer operater are the same, only just the opposite in the you know where places." "The very first modern computer was built in the dark ages of 1930, in either the A.D. or V.D. times of history." Question : How long have computers been in existence? Answer : "Since the begining of time and maybe even longer than this." "In the pre-me times of history one day a guy decided to make a machine that could do stuff faster. He thought it was high time for action, so here's what he did. He put alot of holes in it and lots of buttons and stuff, and when you pressed the buttons zoom-voom-boom you got your answer and then everyone yelled with their deep throats woopee, yippee and maybe even sock-it-to-me. "Girl computer workers have to make real certain that all the holes are in the right spots, because if not then how will the computerman get in them." "Take a good long look at a computer. Does it have input, output, a bit of binary? No, you say to all these questions? Then you are not taking a good long look at a computer." (Extracts from an article by Eve R. Wirth) 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 LET I FOR YOU SOMETHING BE TELLING ================================== A lot of sections recently received Thermo-Pots as a result of the distribution of Gold Award money. The instructions that accompanied these devices proved to be the high point of this event. A few choice 'word for word' extracts follow: "Fill with water into container from more than minimum level (More than scale wire in Water volume indicating dish) till maximum level." "The water may be come out from opening when direct fill water from hole of bottom." "Continous plug in than keep warm continuously." "May be have some noise come out, but it is not breakdown." "You can't stop it in the midway when between boiling again and transfer into warm keeping automatically." "As fig. shown, to disconnect inner and outer cover, the method of install is retrograde motion of release." "Do not dipping whole Pot body into the water for cleaning." "Keep out of reach of children, do not make the Pot to be stroked and shocked." "...we suggestion to in maintance procedure as soon as possible, but, if the cause of change color as come from 'Empty boiling', you can't clean it forever." "Put some dentifrice on the soft wet clothes and wear away the rust. If still can't clean up, to wear away it again by sand paper (#400)" "Press outer ground of inner cover make it average, and tightly it between inner cover and rubber." "GUARANTY Remark: This Guaranty without any effective if without buying dated and sealed of Dealer. Bring this Guaranty when need to repair, when this Guaranty was lost or the word unclearly, you should pay repair fee by yourself. The Guaranty exclude items as follows: 1. The breakdown cause from mistake operation. 2. The breakdown cause from unnormal voltage. 3. The destroy by humanbody." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 WHAT DO YOU GET IF YOU CROSS A NIGGER AND A MONKEY...? NOTHING. MONKEYS ARE TOO INTELLIGENT TO FUCK A NIGGER...! WHY DID GOD CREATE THE ORGASM...? SO THAT NIGGERS WOULD KNOW WHEN TO STOP FUCKING...! A NIGGER WALKS INTO THE BAR WITH A BEAUTIFUL PARROT ON HIS SHOULDER...? THE BARMAN ASKS,'WHERE DID YOU GET THAT', AND THE PARROT REPLIES 'AFRICA'... WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A NIGGER WITH A CHINK...? A CAR THIEF WHO CAN'T DRIVE... WHAT DO GET IT YOU CROSS A NIGGER WITH BO DEREK...? 10 OF SPADES WHAT DOES A NEGRO DO IF HE HATES HIS GRANDMA'S GUTS.? HE LEAVES THEM ON THE SIDE OF HIS PLATE...! WHAT WOULD AN ALABAMA SHERIFF CALL A NEGRO WHO DIED OF 87 STAB WOUNDS AND 37 BULLET HOLES.? A BAD CASE OF SUICIDE..! HOW DO YOU BRAINWASH A NEGRO..? GIVE HIM AN ENEMA...! WHAT WOULD AN ALABAMA SHERIFF CALL A NEGRO WHO DIED OF 87 STAB WOUNDS AND 37 BULLET HOLES.? A BAD CASE OF SUICIDE.. HOW MANY KAFFIRS DOES IT TAKE TO TILE A ROOF...? ABOUT 10 IF YOU SLICE THEM THIN ENOUGH..! WHY DID GOD MAKE ALBINOES.? SO THAT THE WOGS CAN SEE HOW UGLY THEY WOULD BE IF THEY WERE WHITE. HOW DO YOU SAVE A DROWNING NIGGER...? THROW HIM AN ANCHOR...! WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLACK TEST TUBE BABY...? JANITOR IN A DRUM... WHAT DO YOU CALL TEN NIGGERS AND A WHITE GUY...? A FAIR FIGHT... WHATS THAT BROWN STUFF BETWEEN AN ELEPHANTS TOES...? SLOW KAFFIRS... WHAT DO YOU GET IF YOU CROSS A NIGGER WITH A GORILLA...? A DUMB GORILLA... WHAT DOES IT SAY ON THE INSIDE OF A NIGGER'S LIP...? INFLATE TO 20 POUNDS... WHAT DO YOU CALL AN ETHIOPIAN WALKING HIS DOG DOWN THE STREET...? A VEGETARIAN...! HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN AN ELEPHANT HAS BEEN FUCKING IN THE KITCHEN...? ALL THE HEFTY BAGS ARE MISSING...! DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE NEW WAR MOVIE THEY'RE MAKING WITH AN ALL BLACK CAST...? ITS CALLED APACKOFLIPS NOW...! WHAT COLOUR IS A NIGGER WHEN YOU RUN OVER HIM IN THE STREET...? FLAT BLACK... HOW DO YOU KEEP 5 NIGGERS FROM RAPING A WHITE GIRL...? THROW THEM A BASKETBALL... WHY DON'T BLACK BABIES PLAY IN SANDBOXES...? BECAUSE THE CATS KEEP ON COVERING THEM UP... WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A BLACK WITH A BARBEL? A CREEPY CRAULY THAT IS TOO LAZY TO WORK WHAT IS THE AFRIKAANS TRANSLATION FOR 'BEGGARS CANT BE CHOSERS'? KAFFERS KAN NIE STEM NIE WHY WAS OMO BANNED IN ZIMBABWE ? BECAUSE IT WASHES WHITES WHITER , COULOUREDS BRIGHTER AND DOES BUGGER ALL FOR BLACKS . WHY DO SOME SOCCER TEAMS HAVE BLACK PLAYERS.? TO KEEP THE FLIES OF THE OTHER PLAYERS...! WHAT IS BLACK AND HAIRY AND HANGS BETWEEN A KAFFIR'S LEGS..? - A POLICEDOG. WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLACK GYNAECOLOGIST ? A DELIVERY BOY WHAT'S GREEN AND DIRTY, FULL OF BLACKHEADS AND HAS A HUNDRED BULGING WHITE EYES ? A PUTCO BUS FULL OF KAFFIRS GOING OVER A CLIFF. WHY DONT THEY MAKE BLACK CREEPY CRAWLIES? THEN THEY WOULD HAVE TO BE SUPERVISED...! WHY HAS IDI AMIN SUCH BIG NOSTRILS? BECAUSE HE HAS SUCH BIG FINGERS. WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU MIX IDI AMIN'S BRAINS WITH HONEY? SWEET FUCK-ALL.. WHAT'S SIMILAR BETWEEN MARGARET THATCHER, JIMMY CARTER, CONNIE MULDER AND IDI AMIN? MARGARET THATCHER HAS ONE JIMMY CARTER LOOKS LIKE ONE CONNIE MULDER FEELS LIKE ONE AND IDI AMIN IS ONE. WHY DONT BLACKS LIKE A BLOW JOB? BLACKS DONT LIKE ANY JOB. WHO ARE THE SUSPECTS IN THE ATLANTA KILLINGS...? AN ALLIGATOR DISGUISED AS A WATERMELON AND THE SON OF SAMBO... WHY DID GOD GIVE NIGGERS RYTHM...? BECAUSE HE FUCKED-UP THEIR HAIR... WHY DO NIGGERS WEAR WIDE BRIMMED HATS...? TO KEEP THE BIRDS FROM SHITTING ON THEIR LIPS... WHY DO NIGGERS WEAR PLATFORM SHOES...? TO KEEP THEIR KNUCKLES FROM DRAGGING ON THE GROUND... WHY DO NIGGERS WEAR POLARNECKS...? TO HIDE THEIR FLEA-COLLARS... WHAT DO YOU CALL A 10-POUND BIAFRAN.? A NIGERIAN SPY...! WHAT IS PREPARED FROM AN OUNCE OF DUNG AND A FLY'S WING.? A BIAFRAN BANQUET...! HOW DOES A KAFFIR KEEP HIS LUNCH WARM.? HE WRAPS HIS NOSE IN TIN-FOIL. HOW DO YOU KEEP A KAFFIR QUIET..? LICK HIS LIPS AND STICK HIM AGAINST THE WALL...! WHAT IS ON THE INSIDE OF A KAFFIR'S NOSE..? HIS FINGER PRINTS...! WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF A BABOON.? A FOUR WHEEL DRIVE KAFFIR ...!! WHAT DID THE SCIENTIST GET WHEN HE CROSSED A GOAT WITH A KAFFIR? A WEED EATER THAT WOULDN'T WORK. TWO GOONS WERE WALKING DOWN THE STREET WHEN THEY SAW A SMALL HEAP IN THE ROAD. THEY STARTED ARGUING : "ITS SHIT" SAID ONE "NO ITS NOT" SAID THE OTHER. "I TELL YOU ITS SHIT " "NO ITS NOT" WAS THE REPLY. "OKAY, I'LL TASTE IT" SO HE WENT AHEAD AND TASTED IT. "URRGH IT IS SHIT" HE SAID. "GOOD THING WE DIDN'T STEP IN IT!" SAID THE OTHER. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 125 Blonde Jokes A blonde gets pulled over by a cop, and the cop says "May I see your license please?" She says "Whats that ?" He says "The little card with you picture that allows you to drive?" She says "Oh, I have one of those ... here you go" The cop takes the license, goes back to his car and checks her out for any warrants. After checking he walks back up to her car window, unzips his pants, and pulls out his cock. The blonde looks up and says ... "Oh no, not another breathalizer test !!!" Two blondes were walking along and came upon some tracks. One blonde said, "Those look like deer tracks", and the other said, "No, they look more like moose tracks". They were still arguing when the train hit them. What's the worst blonde joke of all time? Dan Quayle. We have a Blonde where I work, who is so dumb she thinks Manual Labor is a Mexican. Did you hear about the blond who had a hysterectomy so she'd stop having grandchildren? Did you hear about the blond who was two hours late getting home because the escalator got stuck? Did you hear about the blond who stayed up all night studying for her urine test? Did you hear about the blond prostitute who didn't vote? She didn't care who got in. Did you hear about the blonde who thought a sanitary belt was a drink from a clean glass? Did you hear about the blonde who only smelled good on the right side? She didn't know where to buy left guard. Did you hear about the blonde housewife who was mad at her husband because he was out shooting craps and she didn't know how to cook them. Did you hear about the blonde who lost her mind? She worked in a whorehouse for 6 years and then found out the other girls got paid! Did you hear about the pregnant blonde who went to the grocery store because she heard they had free delivery. Q: Why do Blondes wear padded shoulders? A: So they don't get a concussion while bobbing their from head side to side as they are saying "I don't know?" whenever you ask them a question. Q: Why should you keep a blonde on the job 7 days a week? A: So you don't have to retrain them every Monday. Q: What do you call a blonde with 1/2 a brain? A: Gifted. Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? A: I hope it's mine!!!! Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawn mower? A: The green "Welcome" mat is ripped all to shreds. Q: What did the blondes mom say before she left for a date? A: If your not in bed by 10, come home!!!! Q: Why did the blonde climb the glass wall? A: To see what's on the other side. Q: What do you call 2 blondes in a freezer? A: Frosted flakes. Q: How do blondes commit suicide? A: They put spikes on their shoulder pads. Q: Why are blondes like turtles? A: When on their back, their screwed. Q: What do blondes and beer bottles have in common? A: Both are empty from the neck up. Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: Give her a pack of M&M's and tell her to put them in alphabetical order. Q: What do you call 22 blondes standing in a row? A: Wind tunnel. Q: How does a blonde kill a fish? A: She drowns it. Q: What's similar about UFO's and a smart blonde? A: You keep hearing about them, but never see one... Q: If a blonde and a brunette fell out of an airplane, who would land first? A: The brunette. The blonde would have to stop and ask for directions. Q: Why don't blondes like pickles? A: They keep getting their head stuck in the jar... Q: What is a blondes' mating call? A: Oh, I'm soooooo drunk! Q: What is a brunettes mating call? A: Have all the blonde's gone home? Q: What do you call a brunette between 2 blondes? A: An Interpreter. Q: What does a blonde say first thing in the morning? A: Are all you guys on the same team? Q: What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair black? A: Artificial intelligence. Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? A: 100 - 1 to stir and 99 to peel the M&Ms. Q: How can you tell when a blonde has used your computer? A: Whiteout all over the screen. Q: How can you tell if she has been back to the computer? A: Writing on the whiteout. Q: What's similar about Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and Smart Blondes? A: They are all make-believe. Q: Why do blondes write TGIF on their shoes? A: Toes Go In First Q: Why do blondes write TGIF on their bras? A: Tits Go In First Q: Why do blondes like the GST? A: It's the only thing they can spell. Q: Why do blondes wear panties? A: To keep their ankles warm. Q: How do you change a blondes mind? A: Blow in her ear. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an airplane? A: The Black Box ALWAYS tells the truth. Q: How does a blonde turn on the light in the morning? A: Opens the car door. Q: How is a blonde unlike the Titanic? A: You know how many men went down on the Titanic. Q: Why did 18 blondes go to the R-rated movie? A: Because they heard that under 17 was not admitted. Q: Why did the blonde got fired from the M&M factory? A: She kept throwing out the W's! Q: What do four blondes have in common? A: Nothing they can think of. Q: What does a blond say after making love? A: "Thanks guys..." Q: What is the best protection against rape? A: dye your hair blond - no one "rapes" a blond! Q: What do most blonds have against condoms? A: Their cheeks! Q: How can you tell a real blond from a fake? A: Fuck her! Q: What's the difference between an intelligent blonde and a U.F.O.? A: There have been U.F.O. sightings. Q: How do you drown a blonde? A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.... Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet??? A: The winner of a Hide and Seek game..... Q: What do you call a circle of blondes? A: A dope ring....... Q: What goes "VROOOM SCREECH! VROOOM SCREECH! VROOOM SCREECH!" A: A blonde at a flashing red light! Q: Why can't blondes use birth control pills? A: They keep falling out. Q: If you have 3 blondes sitting on a couch, how do you know which one is the cock sucker? A: The one spitting feathers! Q: What happened to the Blonde terrorist who tried to blow up a bus? A: She burned her lips on the exhaust pipe. Q: How does a blond hemophiliac cure herself? A: With acupuncture! Q: Why does a blond eat beans on Saturday? A: So she can take a bubble bath on Sunday. Q: How can you tell when you're in bed with an Blonde man??? A: It's not hard. Q: What do you call a virgin blonde? A: An ugly 3rd grader. Q: What do you have when there are three blondes in a corner? A: An Air Pocket Q: What do you call a blond driving a car? A: An Air Bag Q. How does a blond screw in a light bulb? A: With lubricant... (but how does she get into the lightbulb?) Q: What does a blond put behind her ears to attract men? A: Her ankles! Q: Did you hear about the blonde girl who thought her typewriter was pregnant? A: Seems it was skipping periods. Q: What did the blonde say when the job interviewer asked "Please spell your name?" A: "Y-O-U-R N-A-M-E." Q. Why Do You Take A Blonde Shopping With You? A. To Be Able To Park In The HandiCapped Zone. Q. How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb A. 100 -- 1 to screw it in and 99 to say I can do that. Q: What do a Bleached Blonde and a 747 have in common? A: They both have little Black Boxes Q: What's the difference between a Blonde and a 747? A: Not everyone's been in a 747! Q: What's the other difference between a Blonde and a 747? A: A 747 only goes down occasionally where a Blonde...well... Q: Why Don't They Give Blondes Coffee-Breaks? A: It's Such a Pain In The Ass Having To Retrain Them All The Time. Q: What did the blonde say when she opened the box of cheerios? A: Oh look, daddy...doughnut seeds Q: How do you drown a Blonde?? A: Put a mirror in the bathtub... Q: How do you know when a blonde is having her period? A: When she can't find her pencil and her tampon's behind her ear. Q: How come the blonde had a square chest? A: She forgot to take the Kleenex out of the box. Q: How do you get a twinkle in a blondes' eye? A: Shine a flashlight in her ear. Q: How do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree? A: Wave. Q: How did the blonde break her arm raking leaves? A: Fell out of the tree. Q: Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid? A: They can't fit 2 quarts of water in the little package. Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the kitchen sink? A: Because that's where you wash vegetables. Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? A: Pull the pin and throw it back. Q: What does a Blonde do first thing in the morning? A: Gets dressed and goes home. Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress? A: To keep her neck warm. Q: Why did the blonde cross the road? A: Never mind that, what was she doing out of the bedroom? Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball? A: You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball. Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill on her head. A: All you can eat under a buck. Q: What did the blonde call her pet Zebra? A: Spot. Q: How is a dumb blonde like spaghetti? A: They both squirm when you eat them. Q: Why was the blonde delighted when she finished the jigsaw puzzle in 11 months? A: Because the box said 2 to 4 years. Q: How do you drown a blonde? A: Put a scratch and snif at the bottom of the pool. Q: If Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, a smart blonde and a dumb blonde were standing together and someone dropped a $100 bill in front of them, who would pick it up? A: The dumb blonde....there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, or a smart blonde. Q: What is the difference between Big Foot and a smart blonde? A: There have been confirmed sightings of Big Foot. Q: If a Blonde an "X" wife and an attorney fell out of an airplane which one would hit the ground first? A: Who cares? Q: What do a blonde and a postage stamp have in common? A: You lick em, you stick em and you send them on their way. Q: What's the difference between a miniature circus and a group of blondes? A: The circus is an array of cunning stunts! Q: Why don't Blondes breast feed their babys? A: Because it hurts too much when they boil their nipples. Q: How do you brainwash a Blonde? A: Give her an enema. Q: Why didn't the Blonde have any ice cubes for her party? A: She lost the recipe. Q: Did you hear about the Blonde who won a gold medal? A: She was so proud that she had it bronzed. Q: Why does a Blonde prefer tilt steering? Q: More headroom. Q: What thoughts do Blondes have after reading these jokes? A: None, as usual... and they most likely didn't understand them either. Q: What do you call a brunette and three blondes on a corner? A: Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks. Q: What does a blonde say first thing in the morning? A: Are all you guys on the same team? Q: What's similar about Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and Smart Blondes? A: They are all make-believe. Q: Did you hear that the only job for blondes at the candy factory A: Proofreading the M&M's? Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday night? A: Tell her a joke on thursday... Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies??? A: 3, 2 to make the batter, and 2 to peel the M&Ms..... sorry (3, 2 to make the batter and 1 to peel the M&Ms)..... Q: Why can't blondes use birth control pills? A: They keep falling out. Q: Did you hear about the blond prostitute who didn't vote? A: She didn't care who got in. Q: How does a blond screw in a lightbulb? A: She holds it up to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her. Q: What do blondes and cow pies have in common? A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up. Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's butt? A: A brain tumor. Q: What do you call a blonde in leather jacket? A: A rebel without a clue! Q: Why Did The Blonde Have Bruises around Her Navel? A: Her Boyfriend Was Blonde Too. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who lost 85% of her brains? A: Her husband died. Q: Why can't blondes fart? A: They don't shut up long enough to build up the pressure. Q: What does a blonde say in the morning? A: Who ARE you guys? Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday? A: Tell her a joke on Monday. Q: What do screen doors and blondes have in common? A: The more you bang them the loser they get. Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs? A: They don't know the route. Q: What do blondes and computers have in common? A: You never appreciate either until they go down on you. Q: Why don't blondes like vibrators? A: It's hard on their teeth. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal? A: One is a busy ditch. Q: What can strike a blonde without them even knowing it? A: A thought. Q: What do tou call ten blondes in a swimming pool? A: An air pocket. Q: What do you see when you look deep into the eyes of a blonde? A: The back of her head. Q: What is dumber than the 133 Blondes above? A: Me for wasting hours editing and typing these silly things. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 �袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴� � BILL CLINTON JOKES 굇굇굇굇굇굇굇굇굇굇굇굇굇굇굇굇굇굇굇굇굇굇굇굇굇굇� � 훤袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴暠 1. Q: Did you hear that someone threw a beer at president Clinton while he was out on his morning jog A: He wasn't hurt... It was a draft and he was able to dodge it. 2. Q: Didja hear Chrysler is introducing a new car to commemorate President Clinton's election? A: It's gonna be called the Dodge Drafter! 3. Q: Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely? A: Because if something happens to her, Bill becomes President! 4. (TRUE STORY) Chelsey was seen in the Nurses office at her school with a rash. The nurse was about to apply an ointment to treat it. She pulled Chelsey's file and found that she must first notify her parents before any medication is given to her. Hearing this, Chelsey told the nurse "My mom's kind of busy right now, could you call my Dad?" 5. It snowed in Washington D.C. A fresh covering of snow was everywhere including at the white house. President Clinton looked outside his window at the beauty of it all when he stopped short to look on the ground. Someone had pissed in the snow melting it. The melted snow spelled out the message "Clinton Sucks!" Well, the new president was to have none of this, he summoned some scientists to determine who did this awful thing. So the scientists got busy right away on it and came back with a report a week later "Mr. President, we have solved that incident with the words in the snow." "Excellent!" "I have good news and bad news however.... The good news is that we ran a urinalysis, separated the DNA in the pee and found it matches perfectly - the perpetrator is Bob Dole." "And the bad news?" "Well we ran another test, the handwriting in the snow is definitely Hillary's" 6. WILLIE'S ODE Zoe then Kimba another letdown, why all these bozos including Ron Brown? Keep armed services strong was a campaign intent, and I'll strengthen morale with the sexually bent. The deficit problem needs cuts by sharp axes, but it's politically tough so I'll ask for more taxes. Taxes on gasoline (take the bus or the train) and a national sales tax on all value gain. Hillary will help us on medical costs, with a map to the West Wing she'll never get lost. By the time I get done they'll all have had a lickin' and it'll seem just like Little Rock with my Tyson fried chicken. More taxes and pandering will be my legacy, I conned them in Arkansas and now in Washington D.C. 7. Slick Willy's Queen Berets (sung to the tune of The Green Berets) Falling fairies from the skies; I broke a nail, oh I could cry; Don't you like how my tushy sways; We are the fags of the Queen Berets. Slick Willy's words upon my ears; "You guys have rights, be proud you queers;" I once was scared, now I'm OK; Cause I'm a fag in the Queen Berets. Put silver earclips on our nuts; We love the pain, now spank our butts, The way you walk is awfully cute; I sure would love to pack your chute. This Army stuff is really slick; Free meals and clothes and lots of dick; When I retire, I'll still get paid; So thank you Bill, from the Queen Berets. 8. It is said that Bill Clinton is considering changing the Democratic Party emblem from a donkey to a condom, because it stands for inflation, protects a bunch of pricks, halts production, and gives a false sense of security while being screwed. 9. Bill Clinton is *so* fat, when he wears his yellow raincoat, people shout, "Taxi!" 10. Bob Kerrey, when asked about Bill Clinton evading the draft: "Do I care if he evaded the draft? Well, a part of me does." 11. Q: What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda? A1: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam. A2: One has two boobs, the others *are* two boobs. 12. TOP TEN REASONS WHY BILL CLINTON DODGED THE DRAFT 10. He wanted to hang out with his friend Dan Quayle. 9. He was allergic to Vietnamese food. 8 He thought 'gook' meant the stains on Gennifer Flowers' panties. 7 He wanted to do one better than Gary Hart. 6. He had his weekly appointment with a hooker that day. 5. He needed some good scandals for when he ran for presidency. Soon we'll be hearing about how he smoked marijuana with his brother. 4. He heard that no women were in the army, and he wasn't too much into Oriental chicks. 3. He was against the whore..Oops, I mean war. 2. When they said sign, he thought they meant a subscription to Penthouse. 1. He had to weigh his priorities...mow down the Vietcong or mow down Gennifer Flowers' lawn. 13. Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow? A: By the wise look in the eyes. 14. Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton from a bunch of dead bodies? A: He's the stiff one. 15. Q: My brother explained why Bill Clinton is having so many woes: A: Bill Clinton has been in the Flowers and weeds!! 16. Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo? A: A gigolo can only screw one person at a time. 17. Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a light bulb? A1: Two -- One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues. A2: None -- He'll only promise "change." 18. BILL CLINTON STATUE COMMITTEE 1040 Bufoo Street Little Rock, AR 72205 Dear Friend, We have the distinguished honour of being on the committee for raising five million dollars for placing a statue of Bill Clinton in the Hall of Fame in Washington D.C. This committee was in a quandary as to where to place the statue. It was not wise to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, nor beside Senator Joe McCarthy, who never told the truth, since Bill Clinton could never tell the difference. We finally decided to place it beside the statue of Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not know where he was, returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on borrowed money. Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land!" Nearly 5,000 years later, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this IS the Promised Land!" Now, Bill Clinton is going to steal your shovels, kick your asses, raise the price of Camels, and mortgage the Promised Land. If you are one of the fortunate few who has anything left after taxes, we expect a generous contribution to this worthwhile project. Fraternally, The Bill Clinton Statue Committee 19. Q: How do you break a Bill Clinton supporter's finger? A: Punch him in the nose. 20. Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying? A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one. 21. Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and Bill Clinton's campaign limo? A: A porcupine has pricks on the outside. 22. A man was walking along when he spotted a small boy busily constructing something. He approached the boy and was shocked to see him playing with cow manure! For lack of anything better to say, he asked, "Little boy, what ARE you doing?" The boy replied, "I am making George Bush, Mister." Now thoroughly taken aback, the man asked, "Why are you making George Bush? Why not make, er, Bill Clinton?" The boy answered, "Oh no Mister, I can't make Bill Clinton." "But why not?" asked the man. The boy replied "Well, Mister, there isn't enough bullshit here to make Bill Clinton." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 (From NutWorks, the former Bitnet humour group) Submitted-by: claudio@amsoft.imp.com (Claudio Nieder, Uster, Switzerland) THE HACKER TEST - Version 1.0 Preface: 06.16.89 This test was conceived and written by Felix Lee, John Hayes and Angela Thomas at the end of the spring semester, 1989. It has gone through many revisions prior to this initial release, and will undoubtedly go through many more. (Herewith a compendium of fact and folklore about computer hackerdom, cunningly disguised as a test.) Scoring - Count 1 for each item that you have done, or each question that you can answer correctly. If you score is between: You are 0x000 and 0x010 -> Computer Illiterate 0x011 and 0x040 -> a User 0x041 and 0x080 -> an Operator 0x081 and 0x0C0 -> a Nerd 0x0C1 and 0x100 -> a Hacker 0x101 and 0x180 -> a Guru 0x181 and 0x200 -> a Wizard Note: If you don't understand the scoring, stop here. And now for the questions... 0001 Have you ever used a computer? 0002 ... for more than 4 hours continuously? 0003 ... more than 8 hours? 0004 ... more than 16 hours? 0005 ... more than 32 hours? 0006 Have you ever patched paper tape? 0007 Have you ever missed a class while programming? 0008 ... Missed an examination? 0009 ... Missed a wedding? 0010 ... Missed your own wedding? 0011 Have you ever programmed while intoxicated? 0012 ... Did it make sense the next day? 0013 Have you ever written a flight simulator? 0014 Have you ever voided the warranty on your equipment? 0015 Ever change the value of 4? 0016 ... Unintentionally? 0017 ... In a language other than Fortran? 0018 Do you use DWIM to make life interesting? 0019 Have you named a computer? 0020 Do you complain when a "feature" you use gets fixed? 0021 Do you eat slime-molds? 0022 Do you know how many days old you are? 0023 Have you ever wanted to download pizza? 0024 Have you ever invented a computer joke? 0025 ... Did someone not 'get' it? 0026 Can you recite Jabberwocky? 0027 ... Backwards? 0028 Have you seen "Donald Duck in Mathemagic Land"? 0029 Have you seen "Tron"? 0030 Have you seen "Wargames"? 0031 Do you know what ASCII stands for? 0032 ... EBCDIC? 0033 Can you read and write ASCII in hex or octal? 0034 Do you know the names of all the ASCII control codes? 0035 Can you read and write EBCDIC in hex? 0036 Can you convert from EBCDIC to ASCII and vice versa? 0037 Do you know what characters are the same in both ASCII and EBCDIC? 0038 Do you know maxint on your system? 0039 Ever define your own numerical type to get better precision? 0040 Can you name powers of two up to 2**16 in arbitrary order? 0041 ... up to 2**32? 0042 ... up to 2**64? 0043 Can you read a punched card, looking at the holes? 0044 ... feeling the holes? 0045 Have you ever patched binary code? 0046 ... While the program was running? 0047 Have you ever used program overlays? 0048 Have you met any IBM vice-president? 0049 Do you know Dennis, Bill, or Ken? 0050 Have you ever taken a picture of a CRT? 0051 Have you ever played a videotape on your CRT? 0052 Have you ever digitized a picture? 0053 Did you ever forget to mount a scratch monkey? 0054 Have you ever optimized an idle loop? 0055 Did you ever optimize a bubble sort? 0056 Does your terminal/computer talk to you? 0057 Have you ever talked into an acoustic modem? 0058 ... Did it answer? 0059 Can you whistle 300 baud? 0060 ... 1200 baud? 0061 Can you whistle a telephone number? 0062 Have you witnessed a disk crash? 0063 Have you made a disk drive "walk"? 0064 Can you build a puffer train? 0065 ... Do you know what it is? 0066 Can you play music on your line printer? 0067 ... Your disk drive? 0068 ... Your tape drive? 0069 Do you have a Snoopy calendar? 0070 ... Is it out-of-date? 0071 Do you have a line printer picture of... 0072 ... the Mona Lisa? 0073 ... the Enterprise? 0074 ... Einstein? 0075 ... Oliver? 0076 Have you ever made a line printer picture? 0077 Do you know what the following stand for? 0078 ... DASD 0079 ... Emacs 0080 ... ITS 0081 ... RSTS/E 0082 ... SNA 0083 ... Spool 0084 ... TCP/IP Have you ever used 0085 ... TPU? 0086 ... TECO? 0087 ... Emacs? 0088 ... ed? 0089 ... vi? 0090 ... Xedit (in VM/CMS)? 0091 ... SOS? 0092 ... EDT? 0093 ... Wordstar? 0094 Have you ever written a CLIST? Have you ever programmed in 0095 ... the X windowing system? 0096 ... CICS? 0097 Have you ever received a Fax or a photocopy of a floppy? 0098 Have you ever shown a novice the "any" key? 0099 ... Was it the power switch? Have you ever attended 0100 ... Usenix? 0101 ... DECUS? 0102 ... SHARE? 0103 ... SIGGRAPH? 0104 ... NetCon? 0105 Have you ever participated in a standards group? 0106 Have you ever debugged machine code over the telephone? 0107 Have you ever seen voice mail? 0108 ... Can you read it? 0109 Do you solve word puzzles with an on-line dictionary? 0110 Have you ever taken a Turing test? 0111 ... Did you fail? 0112 Ever drop a card deck? 0113 ... Did you successfully put it back together? 0114 ... Without looking? 0115 Have you ever used IPCS? 0116 Have you ever received a case of beer with your computer? 0117 Does your computer come in 'designer' colors? 0118 Ever interrupted a UPS? 0119 Ever mask an NMI? 0120 Have you ever set off a Halon system? 0121 ... Intentionally? 0122 ... Do you still work there? 0123 Have you ever hit the emergency power switch? 0124 ... Intentionally? 0125 Do you have any defunct documentation? 0126 ... Do you still read it? 0127 Ever reverse-engineer or decompile a program? 0128 ... Did you find bugs in it? 0129 Ever help the person behind the counter with their terminal/computer? 0130 Ever tried rack mounting your telephone? 0131 Ever thrown a computer from more than two stories high? 0132 Ever patched a bug the vendor does not acknowledge? 0133 Ever fix a hardware problem in software? 0134 ... Vice versa? 0135 Ever belong to a user/support group? 0136 Ever been mentioned in Computer Recreations? 0137 Ever had your activities mentioned in the newspaper? 0138 ... Did you get away with it? 0139 Ever engage a drum brake while the drum was spinning? 0140 Ever write comments in a non-native language? 0141 Ever physically destroy equipment from software? 0142 Ever tried to improve your score on the Hacker Test? 0143 Do you take listings with you to lunch? 0144 ... To bed? 0145 Ever patch a microcode bug? 0146 ... around a microcode bug? 0147 Can you program a Turing machine? 0148 Can you convert postfix to prefix in your head? 0149 Can you convert hex to octal in your head? 0150 Do you know how to use a Kleene star? 0151 Have you ever starved while dining with philosophers? 0152 Have you solved the halting problem? 0153 ... Correctly? 0154 Ever deadlock trying eating spaghetti? 0155 Ever written a self-reproducing program? 0156 Ever swapped out the swapper? 0157 Can you read a state diagram? 0158 ... Do you need one? 0159 Ever create an unkillable program? 0160 ... Intentionally? 0161 Ever been asked for a cookie? 0162 Ever speed up a system by removing a jumper? * Do you know... 0163 Do you know who wrote Rogue? 0164 ... Rogomatic? 0165 Do you know Gray code? 0166 Do you know what HCF means? 0167 ... Ever use it? 0168 ... Intentionally? 0169 Do you know what a lace card is? 0170 ... Ever make one? 0171 Do you know the end of the epoch? 0172 ... Have you celebrated the end of an epoch? 0173 ... Did you have to rewrite code? 0174 Do you know the difference between DTE and DCE? 0175 Do you know the RS-232C pinout? 0176 ... Can you wire a connector without looking? * Do you have... 0177 Do you have a copy of Dec Wars? 0178 Do you have the Canonical Collection of Lightbulb Jokes? 0179 Do you have a copy of the Hacker's dictionary? 0180 ... Did you contribute to it? 0181 Do you have a flowchart template? 0182 ... Is it unused? 0183 Do you have your own fortune-cookie file? 0184 Do you have the Anarchist's Cookbook? 0185 ... Ever make anything from it? 0186 Do you own a modem? 0187 ... a terminal? 0188 ... a toy computer? 0189 ... a personal computer? 0190 ... a minicomputer? 0191 ... a mainframe? 0192 ... a supercomputer? 0193 ... a hypercube? 0194 ... a printer? 0195 ... a laser printer? 0196 ... a tape drive? 0197 ... an outmoded peripheral device? 0198 Do you have a programmable calculator? 0199 ... Is it RPN? 0200 Have you ever owned more than 1 computer? 0201 ... 4 computers? 0202 ... 16 computers? 0203 Do you have a SLIP line? 0204 ... a T1 line? 0205 Do you have a separate phone line for your terminal/computer? 0206 ... Is it legal? 0207 Do you have core memory? 0208 ... drum storage? 0209 ... bubble memory? 0210 Do you use more than 16 megabytes of disk space? 0211 ... 256 megabytes? 0212 ... 1 gigabyte? 0213 ... 16 gigabytes? 0214 ... 256 gigabytes? 0215 ... 1 terabyte? 0216 Do you have an optical disk/disk drive? 0217 Do you have a personal magnetic tape library? 0218 ... Is it unlabelled? 0219 Do you own more than 16 floppy disks? 0220 ... 64 floppy disks? 0221 ... 256 floppy disks? 0222 ... 1024 floppy disks? 0223 Do you have any 8-inch disks? 0224 Do you have an internal stack? 0225 Do you have a clock interrupt? 0226 Do you own volumes 1 to 3 of _The Art of Computer Programming_? 0227 ... Have you done all the exercises? 0228 ... Do you have a MIX simulator? 0229 ... Can you name the unwritten volumes? 0230 Can you quote from _The Mythical Man-month_? 0231 ... Did you participate in the OS/360 project? 0232 Do you have a TTL handbook? 0233 Do you have printouts more than three years old? * Career 0234 Do you have a job? 0235 ... Have you ever had a job? 0236 ... Was it computer-related? 0237 Do you work irregular hours? 0238 Have you ever been a system administrator? 0239 Do you have more megabytes than megabucks? 0240 Have you ever downgraded your job to upgrade your processing power? 0241 Is your job secure? 0242 ... Do you have code to prove it? 0243 Have you ever had a security clearance? * Games 0244 Have you ever played Pong? Have you ever played 0246 ... Spacewar? 0247 ... Star Trek? 0248 ... Wumpus? 0249 ... Lunar Lander? 0250 ... Empire? Have you ever beaten 0251 ... Moria 4.8? 0252 ... Rogue 3.6? 0253 ... Rogue 5.3? 0254 ... Larn? 0255 ... Hack 1.0.3? 0256 ... Nethack 2.4? 0257 Can you get a better score on Rogue than Rogomatic? 0258 Have you ever solved Adventure? 0259 ... Zork? 0260 Have you ever written any redcode? 0261 Have you ever written an adventure program? 0262 ... a real-time game? 0263 ... a multi-player game? 0264 ... a networked game? 0265 Can you out-doctor Eliza? * Hardware 0266 Have you ever used a light pen? 0267 ... did you build it? Have you ever used 0268 ... a teletype? 0269 ... a paper tape? 0270 ... a decwriter? 0271 ... a card reader/punch? 0272 ... a SOL? Have you ever built 0273 ... an Altair? 0274 ... a Heath/Zenith computer? Do you know how to use 0275 ... an oscilliscope? 0276 ... a voltmeter? 0277 ... a frequency counter? 0278 ... a logic probe? 0279 ... a wirewrap tool? 0280 ... a soldering iron? 0281 ... a logic analyzer? 0282 Have you ever designed an LSI chip? 0283 ... has it been fabricated? 0284 Have you ever etched a printed circuit board? * Historical 0285 Have you ever toggled in boot code on the front panel? 0286 ... from memory? 0287 Can you program an Eniac? 0288 Ever seen a 90 column card? * IBM 0289 Do you recite IBM part numbers in your sleep? 0290 Do you know what IBM part number 7320154 is? 0291 Do you understand 3270 data streams? 0292 Do you know what the VM privilege classes are? 0293 Have you IPLed an IBM off the tape drive? 0294 ... off a card reader? 0295 Can you sing something from the IBM Songbook? * Languages 0296 Do you know more than 4 programming languages? 0297 ... 8 languages? 0298 ... 16 languages? 0299 ... 32 languages? 0300 Have you ever designed a programming language? 0301 Do you know what Basic stands for? 0302 ... Pascal? 0303 Can you program in Basic? 0304 ... Do you admit it? 0305 Can you program in Cobol? 0306 ... Do you deny it? 0307 Do you know Pascal? 0308 ... Modula-2? 0309 ... Oberon? 0310 ... More that two Wirth languages? 0311 ... Can you recite a Nicklaus Wirth joke? 0312 Do you know Algol-60? 0313 ... Algol-W? 0314 ... Algol-68? 0315 ... Do you understand the Algol-68 report? 0316 ... Do you like two-level grammars? 0317 Can you program in assembler on 2 different machines? 0318 ... on 4 different machines? 0319 ... on 8 different machines? Do you know 0320 ... APL? 0321 ... Ada? 0322 ... BCPL? 0323 ... C++? 0324 ... C? 0325 ... Comal? 0326 ... Eiffel? 0327 ... Forth? 0328 ... Fortran? 0329 ... Hypertalk? 0330 ... Icon? 0331 ... Lisp? 0332 ... Logo? 0333 ... MIIS? 0334 ... MUMPS? 0335 ... PL/I? 0336 ... Pilot? 0337 ... Plato? 0338 ... Prolog? 0339 ... RPG? 0340 ... Rexx (or ARexx)? 0341 ... SETL? 0342 ... Smalltalk? 0343 ... Snobol? 0344 ... VHDL? 0345 ... any assembly language? 0346 Can you talk VT-100? 0347 ... Postscript? 0348 ... SMTP? 0349 ... UUCP? 0350 ... English? * Micros 0351 Ever copy a copy-protected disk? 0352 Ever create a copy-protection scheme? 0353 Have you ever made a "flippy" disk? 0354 Have you ever recovered data from a damaged disk? 0355 Ever boot a naked floppy? * Networking 0356 Have you ever been logged in to two different timezones at once? 0357 Have you memorized the UUCP map for your country? 0358 ... For any country? 0359 Have you ever found a sendmail bug? 0360 ... Was it a security hole? 0361 Have you memorized the HOSTS.TXT table? 0362 ... Are you up to date? 0363 Can you name all the top-level nameservers and their addresses? 0364 Do you know RFC-822 by heart? 0365 ... Can you recite all the errors in it? 0366 Have you written a Sendmail configuration file? 0367 ... Does it work? 0368 ... Do you mumble "defocus" in your sleep? 0369 Do you know the max packet lifetime? * Operating systems Can you use 0370 ... BSD Unix? 0371 ... non-BSD Unix? 0372 ... AIX 0373 ... VM/CMS? 0374 ... VMS? 0375 ... MVS? 0376 ... VSE? 0377 ... RSTS/E? 0378 ... CP/M? 0379 ... COS? 0380 ... NOS? 0381 ... CP-67? 0382 ... RT-11? 0383 ... MS-DOS? 0384 ... Finder? 0385 ... PRODOS? 0386 ... more than one OS for the TRS-80? 0387 ... Tops-10? 0388 ... Tops-20? 0389 ... OS-9? 0390 ... OS/2? 0391 ... AOS/VS? 0392 ... Multics? 0393 ... ITS? 0394 ... Vulcan? 0395 Have you ever paged or swapped off a tape drive? 0396 ... Off a card reader/punch? 0397 ... Off a teletype? 0398 ... Off a networked (non-local) disk? 0399 Have you ever found an operating system bug? 0400 ... Did you exploit it? 0401 ... Did you report it? 0402 ... Was your report ignored? 0403 Have you ever crashed a machine? 0404 ... Intentionally? * People 0405 Do you know any people? 0406 ... more than one? 0407 ... more than two? * Personal 0408 Are your shoelaces untied? 0409 Do you interface well with strangers? 0410 Are you able to recite phone numbers for half-a-dozen computer systems but unable to recite your own? 0411 Do you log in before breakfast? 0412 Do you consume more than LD-50 caffeine a day? 0413 Do you answer either-or questions with "yes"? 0414 Do you own an up-to-date copy of any operating system manual? 0415 ... *every* operating system manual? 0416 Do other people have difficulty using your customized environment? 0417 Do you dream in any programming languages? 0418 Do you have difficulty focusing on three-dimensional objects? 0419 Do you ignore mice? 0420 Do you despise the CAPS LOCK key? 0421 Do you believe menus belong in restaurants? 0422 Do you have a Mandelbrot hanging on your wall? 0423 Have you ever decorated with magnetic tape or punched cards? 0424 Do you have a disk platter or a naked floppy hanging in your home? 0425 Have you ever seen the dawn? 0426 ... Twice in a row? 0427 Do you use "fubar" in daily conversation? 0428 ... "bletch"? 0429 Do you use the "P convention"? 0430 Do you automatically respond to any user question with RTFM? 0431 ... Do you know what it means? 0432 Do you think garbage collection means memory management? 0433 Do you have problems allocating horizontal space in your room/office? 0434 Do you read Scientific American in bars to pick up women? 0435 Is your license plate computer-related? 0436 Have you ever taken the Purity test? 0437 Ever have an out-of-CPU experience? 0438 Have you ever set up a blind date over the computer? 0439 Do you talk to the person next to you via computer? * Programming 0440 Can you write a Fortran compiler? 0441 ... In TECO? 0442 Can you read a machine dump? 0443 Can you disassemble code in your head? Have you ever written 0444 ... a compiler? 0445 ... an operating system? 0446 ... a device driver? 0447 ... a text processor? 0448 ... a display hack? 0449 ... a database system? 0450 ... an expert system? 0451 ... an edge detector? 0452 ... a real-time control system? 0453 ... an accounting package? 0454 ... a virus? 0455 ... a prophylactic? 0456 Have you ever written a biorhythm program? 0457 ... Did you sell the output? 0458 ... Was the output arbitrarily invented? 0459 Have you ever computed pi to more than a thousand decimal places? 0460 ... the number e? 0461 Ever find a prime number of more than a hundred digits? 0462 Have you ever written self-modifying code? 0463 ... Are you proud of it? 0464 Did you ever write a program that ran correctly the first time? 0465 ... Was it longer than 20 lines? 0466 ... 100 lines? 0467 ... Was it in assembly language? 0468 ... Did it work the second time? 0469 Can you solve the Towers of Hanoi recursively? 0470 ... Non-recursively? 0471 ... Using the Troff text formatter? 0472 Ever submit an entry to the Obfuscated C code contest? 0473 ... Did it win? 0474 ... Did your entry inspire a new rule? 0475 Do you know Duff's device? 0476 Do you know Jensen's device? 0477 Ever spend ten minutes trying to find a single-character error? 0478 ... More than an hour? 0479 ... More than a day? 0480 ... More than a week? 0481 ... Did the first person you show it to find it immediately? * Unix 0482 Can you use Berkeley Unix? 0483 .. Non-Berkeley Unix? 0484 Can you distinguish between sections 4 and 5 of the Unix manual? 0485 Can you find TERMIO in the System V release 2 documentation? 0486 Have you ever mounted a tape as a Unix file system? 0487 Have you ever built Minix? 0488 Can you answer "quiz function ed-command" correctly? 0489 ... How about "quiz ed-command function"? * Usenet 0490 Do you read news? 0491 ... More than 32 newsgroups? 0492 ... More than 256 newsgroups? 0493 ... All the newsgroups? 0494 Have you ever posted an article? 0495 ... Do you post regularly? 0496 Have you ever posted a flame? 0497 ... Ever flame a cross-posting? 0498 ... Ever flame a flame? 0499 ... Do you flame regularly? 0500 Ever have your program posted to a source newsgroup? 0501 Ever forge a posting? 0502 Ever form a new newsgroup? 0503 ... Does it still exist? 0504 Do you remember 0505 ... mod.ber? 0506 ... the Stupid People's Court? 0507 ... Bandy-grams? * Phreaking 0508 Have you ever built a black box? 0509 Can you name all of the 'colors' of boxes? 0510 ... and their associated functions? 0511 Does your touch tone phone have 16 DTMF buttons on it? 0512 Did the breakup of MaBell create more opportunities for you? 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 The following is the _Unusual_Case_ case column from the July 1991 issue of the trade magazine _Medical_Aspects_of_Human_Sexuality_, by William A. Morton, Jr. Scrotum Self-Repair One morning I was called to the emergency room by the head ER nurse. She directed me to a patient who had refused to describe his problem other than to say that he "needed a doctor who took care of men's troubles." The patient, about 40, was pale, febrile, and obviously uncomfortable, and had little to say as he gingerly opened his trousers to expose a bit of angry red and black-and-blue scrotal skin. After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient permitted me to remove his trousers, shorts, and two or three yards of foul-smelling stained gauze wrapped about his scrotum, which was swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit and extremely tender. A jagged zig-zag laceration, oozing pus and blood, extended down the left scrotum. Amid the matted hair, edematous skin, and various exudates, I saw some half-buried dark linear objects and asked the patient what they were. Several days earlier, he replied, he had injured himself in the machine shop where he worked, and had closed the laceration himself with a heavy-duty stapling gun. The dark objects were one-inch staples of the type used in putting up wallboard. We x-rayed the patient's scrotum to locate the staples; admitted him to the hospital; and gave him tetanus antitoxin, broad-spectrum antibacterial therapy, and hexachlorophene sitz baths prior to surgery the next morning. The procedure consisted of exploration and debridement of the left side of the scrotal pouch. Eight rusty staples were retrieved, and the skin edges were trimmed and freshened. The left testis had been avulsed and was missing. The stump of the spermatic cord was recovered at the inguinal canal, debrided, and the vessels ligated properly, though not much of a hematoma was present. Through-and-through Penrose drains were sutured loosely in site, and the skin was loosely closed. Convalescence was uneventful, and before his release from the hospital less than a week later, the patient confided the rest of his story to me. An unmarried loner, he usually didn't leave the machine shop at lunchtime with his coworkers. Finding himself alone, he had begun the regular practice of masturbating by holding his penis against the canvas drive-belt of a large floor-based piece of machinery. One day, as he approached orgasm, he lost his concentration and leaned too close to the belt. When his scrotum became caught between the pulley- wheel and the drive-belt, he was thrown into the air and landed a few feet away. Unaware that he had lost his left testis, and perhaps too stunned to feel much pain, he stapled the wound closed and resumed work. I can only assume he abandoned this method of self- gratification. [William A. Morton is a retired urologist residing in West Chester, Pennsylvania.] 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 ~Date: 6 May 90 15:52:08 GMT ~References: <9953@stiatl.UUCP> ~Reply-To: derrick@ritcsh.UUCP (Derrick Williams) Organization: Computer Science House @ RIT, Rochester, NY ~Lines: 105 In article <3341@ritcsh.cs.rit.edu> andre@ritcsh.cs.rit.edu (Andre Romadinov) writes: >His name was "Athos". The dog was lying on the carpet relaxing when the >master shouted "Athos!". Athos got up and "ran" up the stairs. Unfortunatelly >he fell down the stairs because he was running a dog's run up the stairs and >you simply can't do that. When he fell he sprained his right hind leg and >squealed. The master kept calling and the dog got up and "limped" up the >stairs this time thankfully not falling. When he got to his master his eyes >were saying "What can I do for you master?". How many "men" do you know >who can act so unselfishly? I rest my case. On a related note I once was at a friend's house and he had a new litter of gerbils that had been born a few weeks ago. We took them out of the cage and played with them on the dining room table. They were almost fully grown, about the size of a man's palm. My friend hadn't named the gerbils yet, because there were so many of them. It soon became apparent that these gerbils would start another new litter if my friend didn't get rid of them. So we were deciding what to do with this problem when he broke out a case of beer. We drank and played with the gerbils all through the evening. The little gerbils were making turds all over the table and little puddles of piddle leaked here and there. We would pick them up by their tails and put them on our shoulders, all the while knocking back some brew. We tried to give the little critters some of it but only one deigned to take a little sip of it. I guess at that time we drank most of the case of beer and we were pretty wild. We started playing toss with the little furry creatures and I tried juggling them. Well, in our drunken state we weren't doing too well so we took them to the kitchen to see what fun things there were to do with them. Well, this house was a bit old fashioned, and one of the implements was a red meat grinder, you know, one of those things you put meat in a funnel and turn the handle and it comes out in itty bitty peices? Yeah, well we were just pretending to be putting one of the gerbils in, you know, and we were laughing like maniacs like it was the funniest things in the world. My friend was shaking, and I think he lost his grip. At any rate, we couldn't find the gerbil. It must have fallen somewhere. So we stood around trying to look through the haze to try to figure out where it went. We heard little sqeaking noises in the funnel of the meat grinder, and in a fit of hilarity, we spun the handle a few times. Man, you never heard such a noise. The little bastard had fallen in, and when my friend turned the thing, the gerbil let out an ear peircing squeak, and you could hear little scratching sounds in it. blood was starting to dribble out of the exhaust thingy, which we thought was absoulutely thigh slapping. So we would turn the handle a little, making a sound,and the the little guy would go , so we were going and man, was it a riot! Pretty soon it stopped making noise and this horrendus mess was dribbling all over the sink so we gave it up and tried to find the rest of the furry rats. My friend told me to gather up the rest of the critters and he would be right back. Well, in my stupor, I could hardly stand still, so picking up the animals who had run loose all over the kitchen was pretty hard. I picked them up and put them back on the kitchen sink. I was a bit clumsy and I happened to step on one, making a loud snap. The poor guy was was lying squashed, his arms twitching around like he was trying to get up or something. There was blood running out of his ears. Man, was it a sight! I picked it up by its tail and tossed it playfully at my friend who ran in with an kitchen implement. He showed me the Qusinart he had gotten from the basement, and boy, did we have a fit! We absolutely shrieked with laugher as I gathered up the furrballs that were running around in the sink. We put them in the yellow chamber in the modern cusine wonder. Well, it wasn't easy, what with them climbing out. We got them all sealed in, with the top we had to try a few times to make it snap in place. Boy, you shoulda seen those guys in that tight space! They were jumping all over each other and looking through that plastic, sniffing at it and putting their paws up against it when we tapped on it. Their beady black eyes looking at us inqusitively and their noses twitching. Well, we couldn't hold off the temptation anymore; our sides were splitting. So as I laughed like a maniac, my friend's hand thumped firmly on the "on" button. Oh, wow! Those Gerbils leaped like crazy, like when you shake a box of marbles. The blade wasn't doing too well as those mangled gerbils got caught on the blade and were frantically waving their paws as the machine grinded. This one guy had his lower adbodmen ripped off and you could see the wet insides, and he was crawling around in his front legs. There was another with half his face sliced off and he was rubbing it with his paws like he was wondering what was going on. At any rate, my friend tried to get the blade unstuck by pushing the "Pulse" button a couple times, and the Qusinart was going "WHOOM!" "WHOOM!" "WHOOM!" , which just barely masked out the racket the critters were making. Finally, the darn creatures stopped moving around, and then the blade went "clakety clackety clackety" as it grinded up the little gerbil bones. We couldn't see anything in it after that, as there was this reddish brown paste smeared all over the sides with bits and peices we were trying to figure out which belonged to which gerbil. We were really going at it, but then the effects of the beer was finally taking its toll, so we decided to call it a night. I crashed in his living room couch and chuckled myself to sleep, as he fumbled upstairs. So the moral of this story is that you should only puree' little animals in a meat grinder or a Quisinart. How many "man" sized animals do you know that can be placed in such a small place? Have you tried this with ferrets? How do you know what is true? Well, facts are facts, buddy, and you shouldn't do this with turtles or other animals that are hard to grind up. God didn't make Man small enough, which lead to the fact that we have to depend on tiny creatures for entertainment. Wocka wocka, and until next time, Derrick \ _________\____ /______/ /___\ |______/ _/_____| Holy Temple Of Jolt Swiggin' Dudes |_--.__/ / / _/_| "We Never Sleep" |_\ / __\| |\ \__| |\_(_/ /_|__/\_\_| |____/_/__COLA___| Derrick Williams, Chief Acolyte |___//___________| |2x the caffeine.| EECC |________________| |The Switch Is On| Rochester Institute of Technology \______________/ -------------------------------------------------------------------- Of course, somebody always feels a need to respond to such things... --------------------------------------------------------------------- >sheeesh.. talk about sick minds, if I'd ever walk in sombody doing something >like that, I'd surely grab the first heavy thing in sight and bash his knees >and elbows until *they* knew what it is like to be savagely mangled. Don't you think that it is pretty sexist to only think that males can enjoy a good rodent? ... This product has been cruelly tested on cute little furry animals. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Extracts from: The best of Financial Mail's DID YOU HEAR? compiled by David Furlonger Tafelberg Publishers 1992 What's the difference between the SABC and the Titanic? The SABC has a bigger orchestra. From Transport Minister Hendrik Schoeman: How does a public servant wink? He opens one eye. Thumbnail guide to political ideologies. * Socialism: If you have two cows, you give one to your neighbour. * Communism: If you have two cows, you give them to the government, then the government gives you some milk. * Fascism: If you have two cows, you keep the cows and give the milk to the government. The government them sells you some milk. * Nazism: If you have two cows, the government shoots you and takes the cows. * Capitalism: If you have two cows, you sell one and buy a bull. Hear about a large American company's novel approach to executive lunches? The chairman told his staff to always order drinks which would make them reek of liquor afterwards, rather than vodka or other undetectable beverages. His reason - he prefers afternoon clients to think his staff are drunk, not stupid. Roger Moore is starring in a film called 'James Bond and The Big Crazy Evil?' It's not a new Bond movie, but a Chinese translation of 'A View to a Kill." The Harrison Ford thriller 'Witness' has the title 'Chase, Kill and Keep the Mouth Shut Permanently', while 'The French Connection' is 'Detective Bang Bang'. If you thought that was weird, 'The Laughing Policeman' becomes 'The Secret Agent with the Smiling Tiger Face'. The tired and bedraggled passenger presented himself at Jan Smuts immigration. He was puzzled to be asked repeatedly: "Where's your etiquette?" Apologies about his appearance got him nowhere. Eventually the official wearily spelt it out: "Your a-i-r t-i-c-k-e-t." Penguins have the smallest brain capacity of any bird. To kill boredom in the Falkland Islands, the RAF flew low over the shore. The penguins gazed fixedly at the planes as they flew over, but instead of turning round to follow the trajectory, they looked until they fell flat on their backs. The pilots found this very amusing. Nat MP Pietman Hugo has a flair for metaphor. He told a packed Assembly that "after three years of drought, farmers are struggling to keep their heads above water". Insurance claims can make interesting reading as this list published by local insurance journal reveals. Some statements made on recent claims forms: * I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows; * I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it; * In an attempt to kill a fly I hit a telephone pole; * I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat found that I had fractured my skull. A new simplified tax form is being prepared. It has only two lines; "How much did you earn last year?" and "Send it." Hear about the Dublin scientist who has discovered a simple way of splitting the atom? He sends it through the mail marked "fragile". Two tortoises, male and female, met on a hill outside Maputo. "If you play your cards right," said the female, "I'll show you Samora Machel." From a Japanese hotel booklet explaining how to use the air- conditioner: "Cooles and heates. If you want just condition of warm in your room please control yourself." Swazi police aren't expecting a rush for one of the items of unclaimed lost property to be auctioned this month. Among the goods listed in an official notice in the Swazi Observer is: "One brown and yellow loincloth with contents." Sign in a Belgrade hotel lift: "To move the cabin push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order." Here was one British journalist's comment on the referendum result: "A case of the turkeys voting for Christmas." Insurer IGI paid for the production of 10000 leaflets advising clients how to combat the wave of vehicle hijackings. Unfortunately, clients must wait a little longer for the information. The vehicle delivering the leaflets from the printer to IGI was hijacked. SA toy makers have created a local rival to the Cindy and Cabbage Patch dolls. It's called the Clive Rice Doll - you drop it and it cries. Despite integration, change may come slower than we hope. A teacher at one of the new model-D schools reveals that when she was called away from here grade one class for a few minutes on the first day of term, she instructed her six-year- olds to exchange first names while she was out. When she returned, she found the only white boy being addressed by his black classmates as Baas. Never mind all the kids who are not at school; some of those who are, fill us with dread. Here are some of the answers provided by matric candidates in the recent Geography (Human, Climatology and Geomorphology) examination set by the Transvaal Education Department: * SA is a very hilly country. Thus there are many rivers and streams; * SA is flat. Therefore in order to build dams we must first build mountains; * Woman live longer than men because their menstrual cycle stops and they are in a better mood; * Males die young due to earning enough to pay for their wives' accounts; * Because greater rainfall falls in Natal, there are projects happening there; * SA rivers never run dry due to the fact that they all run below the water table; * If you build dams you must close the harbours because there won't be any water; * We must not build dams because they are a target for the enemy to bomb; * Life in the sea dies because of artificial cement wall which breed slime; * One way of saving water is to bath with a friend - only wash when you have a lot to wash; * Because soil erosion the surface of the planet decreases. (And this was the Higher Grade paper.) A report from London: "Homosexuality in the Church of England is unacceptable to God but members of the clergy involved in sexual relations with other men do not deserve to be unfrocked..." Not unless they absolutely want to be. Passengers on Air Namibia will have noticed the back page of the latest issue (Nov'92) of Flamingo, the airline's inflight magazine, has been torn out. But it isn't government censors at work; rather, the airline is trying to limit further damage after the magazine insulted the country's (frequent flying and big spending) German speaking residents - not to mention thousands of German tourists flooding back after a year-long tourist drought following independence. The offending page carried one of a series of articles intended to poke lighthearted fun at nationalities that have influenced Namibia. Quoting from a book called 'Foreigners Around the World,' Flamingo sums up Germans as follows: "Piggish-looking sadomasochistic automatons whose only known forms of relaxation are swilling watery beer from vast tubs and singing the idiotically repetitive verses of their porcine folk tunes... Their language lacks any semblance of civilised speech. Their usual diet consists almost wholly of old cabbage and sections of animals' intestines filled with blood and gore." The magazine also quotes British humorist William Rushton: "German is the most extravagantly ugly language. It sounds like someone using a sick-bag on a 747." It is understood Air Namibia has been inundated with call from irate Germans vowing to never again use the airline - let alone the sick-bags on its 747. What has four legs, one head and one arm? A pitbull terrier on its way home from the park. With Christmas approaching, Westerners in Japan are waiting with some anticipation to see if a Tokyo hotel repeats the seasonal gesture it made last year. Knowing of, but not quite understanding, the Christmas message, well-meaning management erected above the main doorway what they thought was a traditional symbol for the hotel's many guests. They were greeted by a huge effigy of Santa Claus... nailed to a cross. A recipe for disaster: Take one overpowered sports car, one cocky idiot and 10 cans of lager. Soak the idiot in the lager for a couple of hours, then place in the car. Put car and idiot on motorway and leave. After about half an hour, remove idiot from remains of car, place in a brown, satin-lined box and garnish with flowers. From an Italian child's school composition, reprinted in a local newspaper: "Sunday we went to a sanctuary of the Madonna to ask her Grace to help my eldest sister who is married for five years and has no children. We went, we prayed, then we ate, then we came home. Either we prayed badly or we did not understand each other, the fact is that my other sister fell pregnant and she is not even married." Change is taking place at such a rate in SA that we're starting to confuse our trading partners. Nippon Express, a Hong Kong based shipping agent, is addressing its correspondence to New South Africa, Republic of Cape Town. Why is it cheaper to train Iraqi pilots than American pilots? Iraqi pilots don't have to be trained to land. Advert from the Zimbabwe Herald: DIESEL MECHANIC Last time we advertised for this position, we received 1000 applications. 800 were from Boneheads who couldn't tell the difference between a Micrometer and a Bobajan. 150 thought manual labour was a spanish Bullfighter. 40 had received 5 years experience by correspondence. 5 were Blind as a Bat. 4 were Blind Drunk. The final applicant - You Guessed it! - was a Total Imbecile. All had Hairy Palms. Will the REAL Mechanics Now Step Forward! Write and tell me how much you would like to earn for giving your best (which has to be real good!) to: ABSOLUTELY DESPERATE P O Box 8590 Causeway To the 1000 Double-Dorks who applied last time "Get Back Under Your Rock". NUMSA - the national Union of Metalworkers of SA - is advertising for a regional organiser in the eastern Transvaal. One of the chief requirements is a "commitment to work unlimited hours". Very commendable; but would any SA company dare ask the same of its own NUMSA employees? Ford, which sponsored the recent Johannesburg marathon, took advantage of the event to advertise its products along the route. Runners and spectators saw several vehicles draped with banners extolling the virtues of Ford cars and bakkies. Perhaps the message might have come across more strongly if many of the vehicles carrying the banners had not been Toyotas. We're not that different from the rest of Africa. When a crawling Zimbabwe MP made a fool of himself in parliament last week by describing President Robert Mugabe as the Son of God, Harare's Herald newspaper expressed sadness that too many MPs lack "an IQ higher than room temperature". A letter recently received by the head office of CNA, sent from Boylston, Massachusetts, USA, was addressed to "Mr Hoof Kantoor" and began: "Dear Mr Kantoor." SA rightwingers are reportedly throwing blankets over their TVs every time FW de Klerk appears on the screen. They think he's looking around their lounges to see what he can give away. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Yesterday, police were called out to the high street, after many reports of a big dog chasing a man on a motorbike. After a struggle, they managed to take the motorbike away from the dog....... --- Princess Diana was involved in a minor car collision yesterday, somewhere in Chelsea. When asked what gear she was in at the time, she replied "A little blue outfit, with a knee length black skirt"........ --- Thor Lowerdahl heard the story of this hunter, and thought there might be some grain of truth in the story, so he went off on his raft, the Liki Tiki, to an atoll near where the events were said to have happened, taking me along for the ride. (Don't ask me why my buddy Thor liked atolls - I asked him once a long time ago and all he replied was "Atoll you once before not to ask personal questions"). No sooner did we draw near, and land, than we heard a raucus cry of "Foo! Foo!". Instantly, just in case, we dove back into the surf and swam a few tens of yards off shore, then looked around for the famous bird. Suddenly a seal passed by underwater, trailing a cloud of sticky brown substance. Some of it got on our legs, and Thor (being fastidious) wiped it off, and expired immediately in obvious agony. I, of course, swam home, having realised the awful truth. What truth, you may ask? The atoll was far more dangerous than anyone suspected - as any seal can plainly foo. --- This guy is walking through Chinatown. He is fascinated with all the Chinese Restaurants, the Chinese shops, the Chinese signs and banners on the buildings. He is having the best time just walking and looking. He turns a corner and sees a building with a sign "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry." "Hans Olaffsen?", he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?". So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?". The old man answers "Is name of owner." The visitor asks "Well, who in the heck is the owner?". "I am he", answers the old man. "You? How in the heck did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?" The old man replies, "Many years ago when I come to this country, I was standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of me was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go "What your name? He say Hans Olaffsen. She look at me...What your name? I say Sam Ting." --- More and more lovely courtships sail into the sea of matrimony, and finally sink into the rocky storms of divorce. Courtship, unlike proper punctuation, is a period before a sentence. Courtship is that part of a girl's life which comes between the lipstick and the broomstick. Divorce records show that many married couples spent too much time in court and not enough time courting. If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship there would be fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies. A newspaper reporter says it's dangerous for a young man to propose to a girl while he's driving a car. It's dangerous anywhere, son! Young man, don't continue to tell your best girl friend that you are unworthy of her. Let it be a surprise! Running for president is like asking a girl to marry you -- you may say a lot of things you later wish you hadn't. --- THE TOP 22 POLITICALLY CORRECT WAYS TO SAY SOMEONE IS STUPID 22) A few fries short of a Happy Meal. 21) The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. 20) Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. 19) He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. 18) Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. 17) Forgot to pay his brain bill. 16) A few clowns short of a circus. 15) If he had another brain, it would be lonely. 14) Too much yardage between the goal posts. 13) An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. 12) A few beers short of a six-pack. 11) A few peas short of a casserole. 10) Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box. 9) One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl. 8) One taco short of a combination plate. 7) A few feathers short of a whole duck. 6) Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. 5) An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. 4) As smart as bait. 3) His belt doesn't go through all the loops. 2) Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. 1) Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt. --- Two Aggies, drinking beer at the bar, continually high five each other and yell,"Twenty Nine!" After a period of time and repeated "twenty nines" with an accompanying high five, the bartender approaches the two Aggies and asks why they're celebrating twenty nine. "We just put together a jigsaw puzzle in only 29 days," explains one Aggie. Bartender.... "OK, but why the celebration?" Aggie........" Because the box label said 4 to 5 years"! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Murphy's Laws of Combat 1) Guided missles - aren't 2) Suppressive fire - won't 3) If it's stupid but works, it's not stupid 4) Don't look conspicuous - it draws fire 5) Never draw fire - it irritates everyone around you 6) When in doubt, empty the magazine - fast 7) Your weapon was made by the lowest bidder 8) Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are 9) If your attack is going well, it's an ambush 10) If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you 11) All 5-second grenade fuses are 3-seconds 12) Try to look unimportant - they may be low on ammo 13) If you are forward of your position, the artillary will be short 14) The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack 15) The easiest route is always mined 16) If you are short of everything except the enemy, you are in a combat zone 17) No plan survives the first contact intact 18) When you have secured an are, don't forget to tell the enemy 19) Incoming fire has the right-of-way 20) No combat-ready unit has ever survived inspection 21) No inspection-ready unit has ever survived combat 22) Team work is essential - it gives the enemy other people to shoot at 23) If the enemy is within range, so are you 24) Friendly fire - isn't 25) Anything you do can get you shot - including nothing 26) If you make it too tough for the enemy to get in, you can't get out 27) Tracers work both ways 28) The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire 29) Radios fail in direct proportion to your need for help 30) Professionals are predictable - too bad the world is full of amatuers 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 BARBIES WE'D LIKE TO SEE Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable sandals. Made from recycled materials. Bisexual Barbie: Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken. Bite-The-Bullet Barbie: An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake blood, and the ability to perform surgery on herself in the Outback. Blue Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay scales for women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies who are holding down second jobs in order to make ends meet. Our Barbies Ourselves: Anatomically correct Barbie, both inside and out, comes with spreadable legs, her own speculum, magnifying glass, and detailed diagrams of female anatomy so that little girls can learn about their bodies in a friendly, non-threatening way. Also included: tiny Kotex, booklets on sexual responsibility. Accessories such as contraceptives, sex toys, expanding uterus with fetus at various stages of development, and breastpump are all optional, underscoring that each young woman has the right to choose what she does with her own Barbie. Rebbe Barbie: So why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in Judaism. Rebbe Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl, teffilin, silver kaddish cup, Torah scrolls. Optional: tiny mezzuzah for doorway of Barbie Townhouse. Homegirl Barbie: Truly fly Barble in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories, and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and she says things like "I don't think so," "Dang, get outta my face," and "You go, girl." Teaches girls not to take crap from men and condescending White people. Transgender Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe. Robotic Barbie: Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two- legged walking machine! After falling over, she says "Control theory is hard. Damn these spike heels anyway!" Dinner Roll Barbie: A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a real curvy belly, generous breast and butt, and voluminous thighs to show girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket of dinner rolls, Bucket o' Fried Chicken, tiny Entenmann's walnut ring, a brick of Sealtest ice cream, three packs of potato chips, a T-shirt reading "Only the Weak Don't Eat," and, of course, an appetite. The recent announcement that Mattel and the producers of "Baywatch" have joined forces to create Baywatch Barbie came as no surprise. After all, both companies have made millions off airheads with flawless skins, Malibu tans and synthetic breasts. If Baywatch Barbie sells well, other Barbie/TV tie-ins seem certain to follow. Some possibilities: Melrose Place Barbie: Comes complete with her Barbie Dream Apartment, where Skipper and the rest of the gang live rent-free. Other accessories include a bottle of vodka, silk sheets, and an arrest warrant. == ERROR: ERROR: ERROR: ERROR: ERROR: ERROR: {SMACK} C:\> 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus 1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee 1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a memory hogger, it has taken all his space; and Wife 1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. Some features I'd like to see in the Upcoming GirlFriend 4.0... -- A "Don't remind me again" button -- Minimize button -- Shutdown feature -- An install shield feature so that Girlfriend 4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects) -- "Abort" button (O.K. that one's pretty bad - but had to say it) I tried running GirlFriend 2.0 with GirlFriend 1.0 still installed, but they tried using the same i/o port and conflicted. Then I tried to unistall GirlFriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another problem with all versions of GirlFriend that I've used is that it is totally object oriented and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts. ***** BUG WARNING ******** Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 The couple had been married for 30 years, and on their anniversary they decided to go back to the same hotel where they had spent their blissful wedding night. Her husband was laying on the bed when she came out of the bathroom totally nude, just as she had 30 years before. She stood seductively before him and asked, "Tell me, darling, what were you thinking 30 years ago when I came out of the bathroom like this?" He replied, "I took one look at you and thought I'd like to screw your brains out and suck your boobs dry." "And what are you thinking now, baby?" She asked huskily. He said, "I'm thinking I did a pretty good job." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Extract from a customer complaint letter sent to The Body Shop... "I recently shampooed my pet rabbit with Body Shop shampoo. Its eyes bulged out and turned red. If you tested your stuff on animals like everyone else, this sort of thing wouldn't happen." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS? 1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen. 2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each. 3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to be 822.6 visits per second. This is to say for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second; a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour. 4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 241,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth. 5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earths atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy, per second, each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force. In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he is dead now. (Original work by an unknown author) 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 I have been watching you very close to see if you have been good this year, and since you have been good, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies to leave under your tree on Christmas Eve. I was going to bring you all the gifts from the "Twelve Days of Christmas", but we have a little problem up here. The Twelve Fiddlers Fiddling have come down with V.D. from fiddling with the Ten Ladies Dancing, the Eleven Lords a Leaping have knocked up the Eight Maids a Milking, and the Nine Pipers Piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the Seven Swans a Swimming. The Six Geese-a-Laying, Four Calling Birds, Three French Hens, Two Turtle Doves and the Partridge in the pear tree have me up to ass in bird shit. On top of all this, Mrs. Clause is going through a menopause. Eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined "The Gay Liberation Movement" and those dumb assed Clintons want to change Christmas in the U.S. to the 5th of February. Merry Christmas! Santa 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A suburban lady who was not only disagreeable but also a bit of a snob was chatting over the fence with a neighbor. "We're going to be living in a better neighborhood soon," she said. "So are we," replied the neighbor. "Oh, are you moving too?" the snob wanted to know. "No," said the neighbor, smiling sweetly. "We're staying right here." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 The Night Before Christmas Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat. The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook, it was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook Momma in her teddy and I in the nude, Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That i lost my boner, and momma went dry. Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while I played with myself. The moon on the crest of the snow man we'd built, showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt. When what to my wandering eyes should appear but a rusty old sleigh and eight mangey reindeer. With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, a sock in his ear and a bra on his head. Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite, and he yelled to his team, and it didn't sound right. Woa shithead, woa asshole, woa stupid, woa putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts. Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee. They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub. And then from the roof, we heardsuch a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder. I was donning my jockies, to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa camewith a crash. His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and smelled like a whore. "That was some brothel," he said with a smile, "The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay a while." He walked to the kitchen for himself pored a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in my sink. I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee. Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But the toys were all gone,and some new things were packed. The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a hand gun with a penis that spits. A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, and six pair of panties, the edible kind. A bra without nipples, a penis extension, and several things that I shouldn't even mention. A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, and a dildo so long that it lay in a coil. "This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa would shit, So I'll leave them here, and then I'll just split. He filled every stocking and then took his leave, with one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleave. He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead. In time he was seated, took the reigns on his hitch, Saying "Take me home, Rudolph. This nights been a bitch!" The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, "The best thing about pussy, is you can't wear it out!!!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Q. What do you call four black men in an aeroplane ? A. Niggers with altitude 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Memory Lane A coupled married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence along the road. The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago." The man stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence and he immediately jumped her bones like a bass on a junebug. They made love like never before. Back in the car the man said, "Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty years ago--or any time since that I can remember!" And the wife responded, "Forty years ago that goddamn fence wasn't electrified!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Christmas Eve in Brooklyn 'Twas the night before Christmas, Da whole house was mellow, Not a creature was stirrin', I had a gun unda my pillow. When up on da roof' I heard somethin' pound, I sprung to da window, To scream, "Ay! Keep it down!" When what to my Wanderin' eyes should appear, But dat hairy elf Vinny, And eight friggin' reindeer. Wit' a bad hackin' cough, And da stencha burped beer, I knew in a moment Yo, da Kringle wuz here! Wit' a slap to dere snouts, And a yank on dere manes, He cursed and he shouted, And he called dem by name. "Yo Tony, Yo Frankie, Yo Sally, Yo Vito, Ay Joey, Ay Paulie, Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!" As I drew out my gun And hid by da bed, Down came his friggin' boot On da top a my head. His eyes were all bloodshot, His b.o. wuz scary, His breath wuz like sewage, He had a mole dat wuz hairy. He spit in my eye, And he twisted my head, He soon let me know I should consider myself dead. Den pointin' a fat finga Right unda my nose, He let out some gas, And up da chimney he rose. He sprang to his sleigh, Obscenities screaming, And away dey all flew, Before he troo dem a beatin'. But I heard him exclaim, Or better yet grump, "Merry Christmas to all, and Bite me, ya hump!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 �袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴� � The Night Before Christmas � 훤袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴枯 旼컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴커 � 'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck... � � How to live in a world that's politically correct? � � � � His workers no longer would answer to "Elves", � � "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves. � � � � And labor conditions at the north pole � � Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul. � � � � Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety, � � Released to the wilds by the Humane Society. � � � � And equal employment had made it quite clear � � That Santa had better not use just reindeer. � 읕컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴켸 旼컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴커 � So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid, were replaced � � with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid! � � � � The runners had been removed from his sleigh; � � The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A. � � � � And people had started to call for the cops � � When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops. � � � � Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite � � frightened. � � His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened." � � � � And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows, � � Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose � � And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation, � � Demanding millions in over-due compensation. � 읕컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴켸 旼컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴커 � So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife, � � Who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life, � � Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz, � � Demanding from now on her title was Ms. � � � � And as for the gifts, why, he'd never had a notion � � That making a choice could cause so much commotion. � � � � Nothing of leather, nothing of fur, � � Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her. � � Nothing that might be construed to pollute. � � Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot. � � Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise. � � Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys. � � Nothing that claimed to be gender specific. � � Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific. � � No candy or sweets... they were bad for the tooth. � � Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth. � 읕컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴켸 旼컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴커 � And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden, � � Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden. � � For they raised the hackles of those psychological � � Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological. � � � � No baseball, no football... someone could get hurt; � � Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt. � � Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe' � � And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away. � � � � So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed; � � He just could not figure out what to do next. � � � � He tried to be merry, tried to be gay, � � But you've got to be careful with that word today. � � � � His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground; � � Nothing fully acceptable was to be found. � 읕컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴켸 旼컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴커 � Something special was needed, a gift that he might � � Give to all without angering the left or the right. � � � � A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision, � � Each group of people, every religion; � � Every ethnicity, every hue, � � Everyone, everywhere....even you. � � � � So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth... � � "May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on Earth." � 읕컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴켸 (c)Harvey Ehrlich, 1992 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 'Twas the Night Before Christmas 'Twas the night before Christmas in my redneck house; Junior was wringing the neck of a mouse. My .357 sat right on my lap Just waiting for Santa, to take all his crap. The young'uns were restless and watching in shifts To see if he'd come and I'd shanghai some gifts, When out from the yard came a godawful noise O could it be him with a shitload of toys? I jumped from my chair and my crotch screamed in pain I caught my left nut on my wallet's big chain But then I unwrapped it and flew out the door Yelling, "Hold it right there, you old son of a whore!" "Hands in the air and kick over that sack, And then real slowly move 20 feet back." He did as I told him, fat, stupid old elf; I laughed so damn hard I near pissed on myself. I grabbed his big bag with a hearty guffaw Then I dragged it inside after spitting some chaw. I heard him take off - in a second he split, Leaving my yard heaped with fresh reindeer shit. Back in my chair I let out such a yelp That the wife and the kids came to offer their help, Their eyes filled with wonder - I started to drag A whole shitload of presents from Santa's big bag. I big can of crawdads for when I go fishin' A whopping belt buckle - a brand new transmission, A carton of Redman, some boots and a knife, A nice leather strap just for beating the wife. A matched set of hubcaps, some new fuzzy dice, A country 8-track and a Hustler, how nice! An inflatable dollie for when the old hag Starts her bitching and moaning and goes on the rag. When out of the bag I had pulled every bit I said "Looks like you kids won't be getting no shit." Here was my chance to try out my new strap When they started their bawling and screaming and crap. I chased them upstairs and I popped me a brew, I sat back in my chair, filled my mouth up with chew, With my heart full of gladness, my soul full of cheer, I yelled up, "Maybe you'll get some presents next year!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A S Y S O P S N I G H T B E F O R E C H R I S T M A S ------------------------------------------------------------- Copyright 1992 - The Godfather BBS, Tampa FL Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the nodes The modems were buzzing from many abodes. And the new soundcard I'd hid by the chimney with care, Had been returned by my spouse who had found it there. I knew kids had long since been poured in their beds While visions of new Apogee games danced in their heads. My spouse fell asleep in a chair next to me The computer was mine, I shouted with glee! When a ring on Node 1 woke me quick from my throes For the name on the logon thrilled me to the toes Away to the keyboard I tore like a flash Fell onto the table - broke a mouse with a crash. The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow Shone bright on the ANSI screen from a user we know. And what to my wondering eyes did I see? But one SANTA CLAUS typed so very hesitatingly. In the NEWUSER script answered "YES" to real name, "North Pole" as location, the "XT" was a shame. He read all the rules and then to the bulletins he went. So perfect his logon, I was slow to get bent. I thought: "Download a file, you ain't got all night!" The menus were boring in plain black and white. But no interest in files this user displayed, And I knew that this guy might get an upgrade. He read all the Main Conference, then paused for a sec Made me wonder if the guy worked with a full deck And then, in a twinkling a message he typed When I read it, the tears from my eyes I did wipe. THANK YOU SYSOP, FOR THE ACCESS - YOU HAVE A GREAT BOARD I thought at this time the sub he couldn't afford HAVE A WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS, AND A BETTER NEW YEAR At least for a lockout he had nothing to fear. MRS CLAUS SENDS HER BEST AND THE ELVES SEND A GREETING Maybe we should invite this guy to our next meeting. I'LL ONLY CALL ONCE A YEAR, BUT I'LL UPLOAD A FILE! Just once a year? How many boards does he dial? After saving this message, to the RIME conferences he went, Joined the WEIGHT conference quickly, and read with intent, Through COMMON and GLOBAL and PRETEENS he flew Even left a few messages to people I knew! Then upload he did - 'twas some warm Christmas text Made me wonder in awe at just what he'd do next I sprang to the kitchen a poured me a drink Stirred it quick with a dirty spoon right from the sink. Then back to the keyboard, but he'd logged off with a BYE No chance for a chat with this SANTA CLAUS guy. But I heard in the distance as I turned off the light, MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOODNIGHT! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 _Things To Do With A Detachable Penis_ 1. Take it for a ride on it's very own set of training wheels. 2. Slip it into a bun and give new meaning to "Hot Dog." 3. Wave it in front of John Bobbitt and scream "She's at it again!" 4. Use it to test water depth. 5. Use it to test water temperature. 6. Throw it on the ground and watch as passerby scream in horror and disgust (or gasp in awe). 7. Use it as a temporary replacement for a vibrator, until you get new batteries. 8. Use it as a floatation device. 9. Use it to demonstrate how to put on a condom in sex education classes. 10. Use it as the tee in a golf game. 11. Use it as a stirrer for coffee (or tea) when a spoon isn't available. 12. Use it as a Christmas ornament (best done if decorated w/ green and red glitter). 13. Use it to teach your dog to play fetch. 14. Keep it as a reminder of why you chose to be celibate. 15. Use it as a lucky charm. 16. Use it as a substitute for cigarettes to help ease your craving. 17. Use it as a vacuum hose attachment. 18. Use it as a pacifier for your "significant other." 19. Use it as a chew toy for your dog. 20. Use it as a scratching post for your cat. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. I have a daughter who goes to SMU. She could've gone to UCLA, but it's one more letter she'd have to remember. A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals. They think they can make fuel from horse manure... Now I don't know if your car will be able to get thirty miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put a stop to siphoning. I dated this girl for two years -- and then the nagging started: "I wanna know your name" Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. Everything is drive-through. In California they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box. Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron. You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business. You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough. Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers? Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches. It's like having a little pet for your face. I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock. It's not hard to tell we were poor -- when you saw the toilet paper dryin' on the clothesline. Never moon a werewolf. If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A hungry lion was prowling the jungle looking for something to eat, when he came upon two men sitting under a tree. One was reading a book and the other pecked away at a typewriter. The lion immediately pounced upon the man with the book and gobbled him up. For the king of the jungle knew very well that readers digest, and writers cramp. Old man Baumgarten was depressed. Once again, after thirty-two years of marriage, he had forgotten his wife's birthday. Contrite, he rushed home and took her by the hands. Looking deep into her faded eyes, Papa Baumgarten said, "Sadie, I will make it all up to you. Tell me, and forgive me my absentmindedness, what is your favorite flower?" "As if yhou didn't know, Papa, after all these years!__It's Pillsbury, of course!" The eminent lady surgeon was an imperious, aloof type and she finally left her husband. He was suffering from a serious internal complaint and had undergone a series of difficult operations at the hands of a team of other eminent surgeons. She left him after the fifth operation, explaining, "I'm heartily sick of other people constantly opening up my male." The trustees of the Madrid Zoo read that there were only thirty-four whooping cranes left in the United States and determined that they must have one before the breed became extinct. Never mind what Spanish wiles they had to exercise to fulfill their ambition; suffice it to say that a whooping crane was dispatched via air freight in due course and consigned to the Madrid Zoo. Alas, when the fool bird arrived at the Madrid Airport, he flatly refused to debark, and the brokenhearted trustees had to return empty-handed to their zoo. The moral of this story is that__cranes in Spain stick mainly to the plane. Two notorious jewel fences, fugitives from law, were racing down a highway in a sheep-raising state, with the law hot on their tails. They were outdistancing the police when a huge flock of sheep began crossing the highway. The result was a made to order roadblock. The two fences leaped from the car and vainly attempted to escape through the milling sheep, but they were nabbed by the lawmen. After serving time in prison, they went to a psychiatrist and related the story of the sheep roadblock, their capture, and imprisonment. "Now, doc," one of the fences whined, "it's a strange thing, but each night both of us have this awful same nightmare." "Yeah," cried the other fence. "You wouldn't believe it but both of us have the same horrible dream!" "Ah, yes!" exclaimed the psychiatrist. "You both keep seeing fences jumping over sheep." An anthropologist in darkest Africa encountered one tribe whose dexterity with spears astounded him. The chief's aim was particularly unerring. When the anthropologist produced a half dollar from his tunic, the chief speared it from a distance of fifty yards. He achieved the same result with a quarter. "Now," proposed the delighted scientist, "let's see if you can score another bull's-eye on this ten-cent piece." The chief demurred. "These tired old eyes of mine aren't what they used to be," he confessed. "Mind if I let my kid brother try it?" With that, he cupped his lips and bellowed,__"Brother, can you spear a dime?" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A Diplomat is a person who: -always tries to settle problems created by other diplomats. -can always make himself misunderstood. -can convince his wife not to hide her nice body under a floor-length sable. -can juggle a hot potato long enough for it to become a cold issue. -can keep his shirt on while getting something off his chest. -can look happy when he has unexpected dinner guests. -can make his wife believe she will look fat in a mink coat. -can make nothing sound like something. -can put his best foot forward when he doesn't have a leg to stand on. -can put his foot down without stepping on someone's toes. -can say the nastiest things in the nicest way. -can tell a man he's open-minded when he means he has a hole in his head. -can tell you to go to hell so tactfully that you look forward to the trip. -comes right out and says what he thinks when he agrees with you. -divides his time between running for office and running for cover. -has a straightforward way of dodging issues. -lets you do all the talking while he gets what he wants. -puts his cards on the table, but still has some up each sleeve. -straddles an issue whenever he isn't dodging one. -will approach every question with an open mouth. -will lay down your life for his country. -will refuse to answer any question on the ground it might eliminate him. An eccentric elderly woman: -Even her hot flashes are lukewarm. -Her age is her business, but she never talks about business. -Her birthday cake has been declared a fire hazard. -Her last birthday cake looked like a prairie fire. -Her real age is the only secret she would keep. -Her Social Security number is 2. -Her teeth are the only things she has that aren't wrinkled. -It took her ten minutes to blow out all her candles on her last birthday. -She admits approaching 30. I wonder from which direction. -She doesn't learn history. She remembers it. -She gets winded playing checkers. -She gets winded watching television. -She had a driver's license for covered wagons. -She had the lemon concession at the Boston Tea Party. -She has more wrinkles than a pound of prunes. -She has more wrinkles than a road map. -She remembers when Heinz had only three varieties. -She was born in the year only the Lord knows. -The last time she lit all her candles she needed ten matches. -The only time she will see 60 again is on a speed limit sign. -When I asked her to pass the salt and the pepper, she had to make two trips. -Whenever someone asks her for her real age she only tells half of it. An Old Timer is a person who remembers when: -a day's work took a day and not a week. -a dishwasher had to be married and not bought. -a dollar was worth fifty cents. -a hero meant a person, not a sandwich. -a wife put food in cans instead of taking it out. -a wife's meals were carefully thought out rather than thawed out. -a woman married a man for his money instead of divorcing him for it. -air was clean and sex was dirty. -baby sitters were called mothers. -campers were people and not trucks. -girls stayed home because they had nothing to wear. -health foods were whatever your mother said you'd better eat or else. -it took a whole week to spend a week's pay. -people aimed to get to Heaven instead of the moon. -people stopped spending when they ran out of money. -sex education was learning to kiss without bumping noses. -the only garbage problem was getting your husband to put it out. -we sat down at the table and counted our blessings instead of calories. -you were only broke the day before payday. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Hello young lovers! Has this ever happened to you? You and your sweetie have finally gotten off by yourselves. You find yourself at Inspiration Point or some cozy lovers lane and things are relly getting hot! You reach in your glove compartment and oh no!- No condoms! Well your next move is to ruin the moment by driving to a convienience store, humiliating yourself by getting change, then rushing into the restroom to the "Love Machine" to buy one while some weirdo watches you from the stall. Meanwhile, your sweetie has "lost the urge" sitting out in the car with the windows fogged up and asks to be taken home! Not a pretty picture is it? Well! Your troubles are over! RUBBER HUT is here! Yes, our radio dispatched pink delivery vans are on patrol. We can get there in ten minutes!(Home delivery make take a little longer) We constantly patrol lovers lanes with all your favorite kinds of condoms, from drug store variety to specialty types. Just call on your cellular phone (we cater to yuppies) and we will be there in minutes with your selection. You can easily spot our vans on patrol. They have a pink light on their antennas with the words "SAFE SEX" in white letters. Just tell the driver what you need. We take all charge cards or we can open an account for you if you want. Just dial, 555-LOAD or *RH on your cellular! RUBBER HUT MOTTO:"WHEN YOU'RE IN HEAT, WE'RE JUST DOWN THE STREET" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 One to ponder on: Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?!... 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 GATESGATE Microsoft Corporation today announced plans to buy the Philadelphia Mint from the United States government. Final details of the transaction were hammered out in an all night bargaining session which included President Bill Clinton representing the US, and four unnamed chorus girls. An obviously fatigued and smiling Clinton emerged from the meeting and stated that he saw no chance that there would be opposition from anyone within the government. In an effort to appease regulators, Micro- soft gave a copy of Windows NT and a box of paper clips to Novell. Microsoft said it intends to print money in direct competition with the US Government. Microsoft chairman, Bill Gates, declared, "The Govern- ment has no vision and we intend to eventually take over all operations." The official announcement was made by Microsoft spokesman, Brad Silverberg, who showed reporters an alpha version of the currency Micro- soft will release next year. The currency, called simply "Money" (patent pending) bears a striking resemblance to US currency . When questioned about this, Silverberg stated that the US Government had obviously copied the design. Silverberg alleged that this was constantly happening to Microsoft, citing Apple's theft of the Windows look and feel, and Stac's pilfering of on-the-fly disk compression as only two examples. Gates said the acquisition was made in order to move closer to his grand vision of "Money always at my fingertips." Gates further stated that the move to 32 bit operating systems would make it difficult "for the lemms, uh, I mean, users to continue throwing money at Microsoft in ever increasing amounts." "This (acquisition) will make it unnecessary for our customers to continue to struggle with the challenge of actually buying and installing software," continued Gates. Response within the industry and government was immediate. All major ISV's appeared at the press conference and announced support for Money. Steve Gibson called the acquisition "the most earth shattering event in the history of the world, without question." Brian Livingston said this was the most exciting news "since cousin Pee Wee got his own television show." Ed Bott declared that PC Computing would dedicate its next twelve issues to the new Money and said we would "all be using it soon." Jim Seymour stated that "the miraculous Money is now the standard for currency in the United States." Hillary Clinton was not available for comment. GATESGATE Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven. When he got there, he had to wait in the reception area. Heaven's reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with nothing to do all day. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks, while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd. Booze and drugs were being passed around. Fights were commonplace. Sanitation conditions were appalling. All in all, the scene looked like Woodstock gone metastatic. Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, one of the staff- ers approached him. The staffer was a young man in his late teens, face scarred with acne. He was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow lettering. "Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice that could have been the voice of any clerk in any overgrown bureaucracy. "My name is Gabriel and I'll be your induction coordinator." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, I'm not the Archangel Gabriel. I'm just a guy from Philadelphia named Gabriel who died in a car wreck at the age of 17. Now give me your name, last name first, unless you were Chinese in which case it's first name first." "Gates, Bill." Gabriel started searching though the sheaf of papers on his clipboard, looking for Bill's Record of Earthly Works. "What's going on here?" asked Bill. "Why are all these people here? Where's Saint Peter? Where are the Pearly Gates?" Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill's records. Then Gabriel looked up in surprise. "It says here that you were the president of a large software company. Is that right?" "Yes." "Well then, do the math, chip-head! When this Saint Peter business started, it was an easy gig. Only a hundred or so people died every day, and Peter could handle it all by himself, no problem. But now there are over five billion people on earth. Jesus, when God said to 'go forth and multiply,' he didn't say 'like rabbits!' With that large a population, ten thousand people die every hour. Over a quarter-million people a day. Do you think Peter can meet them all personally?" "I guess not." "You guess right. So Peter had to franchise the operation. Now, Peter is the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc. He just sits in the corporate headquarters and sets policy. Franchisees like me handle the actual inductions." Gabriel looked though his paperwork some more, and then continued. "Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a back- ground like yours, you'll be getting a plum job assignment." "Job assignment?" "Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity sitting on your ass and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to pull your weight around here!" Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had Bill sign at the bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and handed it to Bill. "Take this down to induction center #23 and meet up with your occupational orientator. His name is Abraham." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, he's not *that* Abraham." Bill walked down a muddy trail for ten miles until he came to induction center #23. He met with Abraham after a mere six-hour wait. "Heaven is centuries behind in building its data processing infra- structure," explained Abraham. "As you've seen, we're still doing everything on paper. It takes us a week just to process new entries." "I had to wait _three_ weeks," said Bill. Abraham stared at Bill angrily, and Bill realized that he'd made a mistake. Even in Heaven, it's best not to contradict a bureaucrat. "Well," Bill offered, "maybe that Bosnia thing has you guys backed up." Abraham's look of anger faded to mere annoyance. "Your job will be to supervise Heaven's new data processing center. We're building the largest computing facility in creation. Half a million computers connected by a multi-segment fiber optic network, all running into a back-end server network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit channel. Fully fault tolerant. Fully distributed processing. The works." Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job! This is really Heaven!" "We're just finishing construction, and we'll be starting operations soon. Would you like to go see the center now?" "You bet!" Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new data processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger than the Astrodome. Workmen were crawling all over the place, getting the miles of fiber optic cables properly installed. But the center was dominated by the computers. Half a million computers, arranged neatly row-by-row, half a million .... ..... Macintoshes .... ..... all running Claris software! Not a PC in sight! Not a single byte of Microsoft code! The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that he had spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill. "What about PCs???" he exclaimed. "What about Windows??? What about Excel??? Whatabout Word???" "You're forgetting something," said Abraham. "What's that?" asked Bill plaintively. "This is Heaven," explained Abraham. "We need a computer system that's heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing center based on PCs running Windows, then.... .... GO TO HELL!" [Witness, if you will, the theme from "The Twilight Zone," gently playing in the background... of your mind; from no apparent speaker.] We once again enter... THE GATESGATE ZONE It may not be obvious to the non-technical, but the "numbers" are the ASCII value representations of the letters... now for the fun: Welcome to Salem Massachusetts, circa the 20th century. It seems well-known operating systems fall into the same category: M S - D O S 6 . 2 1 77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666 W I N D O W S 9 5 87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1 = 666 S Y S T E M 7 . 0 83+89+83+84+69+77+32+55+46+48 = 666 Coincidence? I think not! The real name of Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III. Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III), where "III" means the order of third (3rd.) By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII values and adding his (III), you get the following: B 66 I 73 L 76 L 76 G 71 A 65 T 84 E 69 S 83 + 3 -------------- 666 !!! Some might ask, "How did Bill Gates get so powerful?" Coincidence? Or just the beginning of mankind's ultimate and total enslavement??? YOU decide! Goodbye for now... but join us again soon, in the... 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Sources say: A Girl's Guide To Condoms -- by Mimi Coucher WARNING: Boys cannot read this. If you are a boy and are reading this, stop immediately. The following article is chock-full of highly intimate girl secrets that will be 10 times more embarrassing than any TV commercial for feminine-hygiene products you've ever seen. So quit it. I mean it. You'll be sorry. =============== Condoms Demystified There are basically three kinds of condoms: unlubricated latex, lubricated latex, and lambskin. The lambskins are no good because they haven't been proven to be a barrier to infection. Anyway, they're really made of lambies and that makes us sad, especially around Easter time. (The real reason we don't like them is that they actually smell like lamb. One is tempted to lubricate them with mint jelly.) There are variations on the basic latex condoms. Some condoms are prelubricated, with spermicidal jelly, even. Others are not. Strictly B.Y.O.K.Y. The strangest variation by far is the ribbed latex condom. Why are these condoms ribbed? This is supposed to bestimulating? Should one attempt to play washboard tunes on it? This is just part of a big problem with condoms. Condoms were, and are, designed by men. If Girls Designed Condoms... What a wonderful world it would be. Skip the ribbing, skip the lube. If women designed condoms there is no question that they would be padded. "But size doesn't matter!" comes a chorus of voices. (The loudest voices come from boys who are peeking. Stop that right now. Turn to the sports page immediately.) Sure *length* doesn't matter. But give any girl a small dose of truth serum and ask her about width. Admit it. If padded condoms were placed on the market, hordes of screaming women would storm their local druggists and dash out with tote bags full. Unfortunately, it wouldn't work. After all, there is that ticklish issue of boy sensitivity, which we can't overlook, even if we occasionally want to. Padded condoms would rob boys of the skin-to-skin senstion they already claim condoms rob them of. And we can't have that. No, we modern women, being kind and sensitive lovers, would design whisper-soft condoms, completely transparent and microscopically thin. The paisley, rainbow, and floral-print condoms we designed would be strictly novelty items, kept for special occasions only. Ditto the condoms with cute sayings: "Hang in there, baby, Friday's coming"; "My girlfriend went to Florida and all I got was this lousy condom"; and the classic "I'm with stupid" (arrow pointing back toward the boy). Other specialty items would include the male-ego condom, which, like black olives, come in three sizes:jumbo, colossal, and humongous. Naughty subversives would enjoy the Karen Finley assortment, colorful, decorative condoms that turn ordinary penises into bananas, hotdogs, yams, and more. But I digress. The best place to buy condoms is your local massive drugstore that has them on display, self-serve, just like corn pads or athlete's foot spray. So go shopping. Dres cool, hold your head high, read labels, make your selection. Be assured that most popular brands come with little instruction booklets much like the ones found in boxes of Tampax (uh oh --don't mix them up!). While at the drugstore, be sure to purchase at least one of the following items: Tickle anti-perspirant, Ban Roll-on, or any of the Calvin Klein line of men's grooming aids. You'll need these for important condom experiments at home. At home, be alone. Light candles. Play inspiring music; any record by Rick James will do. Remove one of the condoms from its packet. Examine it carefully. Then put it to work. Experiment with your slippery new friends; whip those sons-of-gummi-worms into shape. Recruit those deodorant bottles and practice, practice, practice. And how about some new nicknames for the old standbys? Love skins. Slicks. Wet suits. Silk stockings. Eight-by-two glossies. Soon enough, you'll be happy and relaxed, perfectly in control of those silly little slips o' sin. But wait. Something's missing. Oh yes, the hard part. I mean the good part. I mean, both. The Condomed Man It is far, far easier to start them on condoms when the relationship is young. In fact, the condom is a terrific tool of seduction when you're ready to make the leap etween the sheets. Call that someone on the phone and say to him, casual-like, "I just bought a new kind of condom and I'm dying to try it out... want to come over?" Or when out on the town with your paramour, and the clock on the clubhouse wall says thump thump thump, push that hunk against the wall and growl, "Listen, buddy. I've got a condom in my pocket and I'm not afraid to use it. We're g oing home." Welcome To The Safety Patrol Before you know it, you'll be a veritable connoisseur of condoms. You'll allow them to drop casually out of your purse in front of attractive men at cocktail parties. You'll dispense them to friends, give lessons, perhaps even roll your own. "Oh, handsome boyfriend," you'll soon sigh, "I've always wanted to see you in rubber." And he won't mind one bit. MORE CONDOMS We've Come A Long Way... We thought we were pretty darn smart, all right. In the '60s we became liberated and bravely marched into our neighborhood women's-health collective, had our blood tested and our bodies examined, and marched out armed with a pink carousel of little tablets and a new attitude. We related to our sex partners, we discovered the joys of uninhibited physical thrills, we took our pills regularly. In the '70s we were sorry for it and went en masse to our gynecologists to be fitted for diaphragms. We carried them everywhere, became geniuses of delicate timing. We tried IUDs, flirted with cervical caps worn at jaunty angles. We researched and discussed the issues with candor and aplomb; ask any high-spirited modern girl and she'll tell you all about the G-spot, male menopaus, the Hite report, impotence, arousal, pregnancy, the Kama Sutra, birth control. Ready for the '80s? Hell, we thought we were ready for anything. Anything but this. No woman, not even the most avid reader of sex manuals or sophisticated connoisseur of amour, is prepared for the experience of walking to the corner drugstore and asking the freckle-faced adolescent behind the counter for a package of... condoms. OLD FACT: Condoms aren't sexy. Neither are rubbers, sheaths, prohylactics, Coney Island white fish, raincoats, skins, safes, rubber booties, socks. The package says, "Sold for the prevention of venereal disease." The boys say, Sold for the prevention of love. Oft compared to taking a bath with socks on, the condom ritual was the classic bane to the romantic advances of bumbling '50s teens. NEW FACT: Unless you can account for all the blood transfusions, intravenous activities, and sexual escapades of your partner and your partner's partners, you'd best get used to the idea, right now. "Say," you blink innocently, "shouldn't the boy be taking some responsibility for this dangerous transaction?" Yes, of course. But I wouldn't count on it. You know how they are. And here's a horrifying thought: not only are you protecting yourself against your partner, you're protecting your partner against *you*. Oh, cheer up. It beats abstinence. Buy Now, Lay Later Don't even pretend for one minute that you're never going to do "it" again. You will. So brace yourself for the new shopping experience of the '80s. First take: you enter a quiet, out-of-the-way drugstore that has a display of walkers and bedpans in the window. Confident that no one you know will ever spot you here, you stride over to the kindly old pharmacist at the back of the store. "Excuse me," you venture a little shakily. "Where are your rubbers?" You are gently guided to a Totes display in Aisle Three. To save face, you buy a pair of men's size 11s and ditch them in a corner trash can, determined to do better next time. Second take: the next store you choose is a little larger, and crowded. But you can't find the condoms anywhere. There is a line at the cash register. You stand in it, patiently, rehearsing your lines. You arrive. "Excuse me," you politely whisper to the surly loud-mouthed Iranian behind the counter, "where are your prophylactics?" "Right here," he shouts. "What kind ya want?" "Uh, Trojans, I guess." "Lubricated or nonlubricated?" he bellows. "Ya want ribs? We got the ribs kinds." By this time, the entire store is involved in the drama, the crowd behind you is silently hanging on your every word, and you're sure that that's your third-grade teacher who just walked in. "Oh, uh, skip it, thanks. I'll just tell my little brother that he'll have to buy his own." Don't be discouraged. Buying condoms is a tough job, but somebody's got to do it. And here's a heartening factthat I bet even *you* didn't know, Ms. Modern: marketing tests prove that women buy more condoms than men do, and have for years. That's why, ever since the late '70s, condom packages have featured air-brushed photos of couples holding hands at sunset. They thought we'd like that. We don't, but it will have to do till pictures of Mick Jagger, Mel Gibson, or beautiful shoes come along. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 HISTORY OF THE WORLD (part I) (Submitted by ED, the C-king mind of MIC-LAB) One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot. Note: All speling erors have been reproduzed egactly as they apeared in the original esays. The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, <169>Am I my brother's son?<170> God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brothers birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up twelve sons to partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. Pharoah forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten comandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatalists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines. Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myths is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Archilles appears in <169>The Illiad<170>, by Homer. Homer also wrote <169>the Oddity<170> in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men. Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Greeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caeser extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them. Then came the Middle ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on the back of their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offence. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 HOW TO INSULT PEOPLE IN 50 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES AUSTRALIA GARN STICK YA HID UPPA DID BEERS AHRSE TRANSLATION: KINDLY INSERT YOUR HEAD IN THE ANUS OF A DEAD BEAR AUSTRIA HOW-ABB TRANSLATION: F*CK OFF BANGLADESH JELDI-JOW TRANSLATION: F*CK-OFF BELGIUM DAH CRUMP IN YAH KLOTEN EN AIN ARM TAH KIRST OM TAH SCHTARTEN TRANSLATION: I HOPE YOU GET ITCHY BALLS AND YOUR ARMS ARE TO SHORT TO SCRATCH THEM BRAZIL VY-COMAR NO COO TRANSLATION: TAKE IT IN THE BUM BRUNEI POOKEE MEK ENGCA TRANSLATION: F*CK YOUR MOTHER BULGARIA RAZ-CARAH I YEESEH TRANSLATION: F*CK OFF CANADA PREET TRANSLATION: F*CK OFF CHINA CHOO-EE-NEE-DEH TRANSLATION: HOLD YOUR ARSE DENMARK SKREELEH TRANSLATION: WALK AWAY EGYPT EMSHI-YAY-HORRA TRANSLATION: GO AWAY DONKEY ENGLAND FUCK OFF TRANSLATION: F*CK OFF FINLAND PAINOO-VITOON TRANSLATION: GO TO C*NT FRANCE VAH TOO FAIR FOOTAH TRANSLATION: F*CK OFF GERMANY HOW ABB TRANSLATION: F*CK OFF GREECE MALAKA TRANSLATION: W*NKER (IT'S GONE SOFT) HONG KONG D'JEW LET LO MO TRANSLATION: F*CK YOUR OLD MOTHER HUNGARY MENJAH FENEHBEH TRANSLATION: GO TO HELL INDIA JOW APKA MOO KALA KARO TRANSLATION: GO AND BLACKEN YOUR FACE IRAN GOBEH-REESHAT TRANSLATION: SH*T IN YOUR BEARD IRAQ KOOS-IM-MUK TRANSLATION: GO F*CK YOUR MOTHER IRELAND GO-REV-TOE-CUSH-SEERI-AIR-DE-VOGARLY TRANSLATION: MAY YOU HAVE AN ETERNAL ITCH OF YOUR BALLS ISRAEL LEK LEHIZ-BAYEN TRANSLATION: GO AND F*CK YOURSELF ITALY VAH FAN -COOLAH TRANSLATION: F*CK OFF JAMAICA FOCKOFF BLODKLAAT TRANSLATION: F*CK OFF JAPAN EETEH SHIMAHL TRANSLATION: P*SS OFF MEXICO VEHTAY A LA CHINGADA TRANSLATION: F*CK OFF NETHERLANDS DONDER ROWP TRANSLATION: F*CK OFF NEW ZEALAND HIREE-RAH TRANSLATION: GO AWAY NIGERIA DAH DOOROO WAHN-GAH TRANSLATION: F*CK YOU NORTHERN IRELAND FUCKOFFITEOVIT TRANSLATION: PLEASE GO AWAY NORWAY DRAH TILL HELL-VETAH TRANSLATION: GO TO HELL PAKISTAN MANG-KEE TRANSLATION: F*CK OFF PERU ANDATAY AL AH MIERRR-AH TRANSLATION: GO TO SH*T PHILIPPINES OOMAH-LEES KAH DEE YAHIN TRANSLATION: PUSH OFF POLAND ODD PLEPERSH-YEH TRANSLATION: PEPPER OFF PORTUGAL VY COMAR NO COO TRANSLATION: TAKE IT IN THE BUM ROMANIA DOOTY EEN PEESH-DAH TRANSLATION: GO BACK TO YOUR MOTHERS C*NT RUSSIA OT-YEH-BEES TRANSLATION: P*SS OFF SAUDI ARABIA EEB-N AL CALB TRANSLATION: SON OF A DOG SCOTLAND GA'YAFUGGINBAZZA! TRANSLATION: GET OUT OF IT YOU F*CKING B*STARD SOUTH AFRICA FOOTSECK TRANSLATION: F*CK OFF SPAIN CAH-GO EN LAH LECH- AY DAY TOO MADRAY TRANSLATION: I SH*T IN YOUR MOTHERS MILK SWEDEN DRAH DEET PEH-PARRIN VEXER TRANSLATION: GO WHERE THE PEPPER GROWS TAIWAN GAN NEE NYOU TRANSLATION: F*CK YOUR MOTHER THAILAND PY HY PON, MEN KEY NAH TRANSLATION: BUZZ OFF SH*TFACE TURKEY FEEKTEER TRANSLATION: F*CK OFF UKRAINE VLDT SHEP-ESS TRANSLATION: P*SS OFF USA FARKEEW! TRANSLATION: F*CK YOU WALES F*CK OFF BOYO TRANSLATION: F*CK OFF 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 IRISH WOMAN: DOCTER, DOCTER, I FORGOT TO TAKE MY CONTRADICTORY PILLS! DOCTER: LADY YOU SEEM TO BE IGNORANT. IRISH WOMAN: YES,I THINK THREE MONTHS. AN IRISHWOMANS LETTER TO HER SON ..... DEAR SON, JUST A FEW LINES TO LET YOU KNOW THAT I AM STILL ALIVE. I AM WRITING THIS SLOWLY BECAUSE I KNOW THAT YOU CAN'T READ VERY FAST. YOU WON'T KNOW THE HOUSE WHEN YOU COME HOME BECAUSE WE HAVE MOVED. EXCUSE THE WRITING ONLY I HAD AN ACCIDENT, I BURNT MY FINGERS IN BOILING WATER. IT WAS ALL MY OWN FAULT, I SHOULD HAVE TESTED THE TEMPERATURE OF THE WATER WITH MY OTHER HAND FIRST. I AM FEELING BETTER SINCE YOU WENT AWAY, I WENT TO THE DOCTOR ABOUT MY DEAFNESS AND HE GAVE ME A MEDICINE SO GOOD THAT I HEARD FROM YOUR UNCLE SID IN AUSTRALIA THE NEXT DAY. THE FAMILY NEWS IS NOT SO GOOD. YOUR FATHER HAS GOT WORMS AND GONE FISHING, YOUR OLD GRANNIE HAS DIED, SISTER ANNIE HAS MARRIED A BUTCHER AND FANNY HAS LEFT HOME SO YOU'VE GOT NO GRANNY, FANNY OR ANNIE. WE HAD A ROW WITH THE ELECTRIC COMPANY AND IT ENDED IN A DRAW, THEY GOT NO BLOODY MONEY AND WE GOT NO BLOODY LIGHTS. WE ARE VERY HARD UP, PLEASE SEND US A FEW RAND, IT WILL ONLY COST YOU 20C. OUR NEIGHBOURS THE FLYNNS HAVE STARTED TO KEEP PIGS BUT WE ONLY GOT WIND OF IT THIS MORNING. MR.HIGGINS HAS HAD HIS APPENDIX OUT AND A NEW SINK PUT IN. THE CAT HAD FOUR KITTENS IN YOU FATHERS BOWLER HAT, I MOVED THEM TO A SHOEBOX AS I WOULD RATHER THEY GREW UP FLAT FOOTED THAN ROUND SHOULDERED. YOUR FATHER HAS A LOVELY NEW JOB WITH OVER 500 PEOPLE UNDER HIM HE IS CUTTING GRASS IN THE CEMETARY. THERE WAS A WASHING MACHINE IN THE NEW HOUSE BUT IT IS NOT WORKING VERY WELL, LAST WEEK I PUT IN 4 SHIRTS AND PULLED THE CHAIN AND I HAVEN'T SEEN THEM SINCE. YOUR SISTER MARY HAD A BABY THIS MORNING, I HAVEN'T FOUND OUT WHETHER IT'S A BOY OR A GIRL SO I DON'T KNOW YET IF YOU ARE AN AUNTY OR AN UNCLE. YOUR UNCLE DICK DROWNED LAST WEEK IN A VAT OF WHISKEY. THREE OF HIS MATES DIVED IN TO SAVE HIM BUT HE BRAVELY FOUGHT THEM OFF. WE CREMATED HIS BODY BUT IT TOOK THREE WEEKS TO PUT THE FIRE OUT. YOUR FATHER DIDN'T DRINK TOO MUCH AT CHRISTMAS, I PUT CASTOR OIL IN HIS BEER AND THAT KEPT HIM GOING 'TILL NEW YEARS DAY. I WENT TO THE DOCTOR LAST TUESDAY AND YOUR FATHER CAME WITH ME. THE DOCTOR PUT A SMALL GLASS TUBE IN MY MOUTH AND ASKED ME TO KEEP IT CLOSED FOR TEN MINUTES. YOUR FATHER OFFERED TO BUY IT FROM HIM. IT ONLY RAINED TWICE THIS WEEK, FIRST FOR THREE DAYS THEN FOR FOUR DAYS. MONDAY WAS SO WINDY THAT ONE OF THE CHICKENS LAID THE SAME EGG FOUR TIMES. WE HAD A LETTER FROM THE UNDERTAKER LAST WEEK ABOUT GRANDMA SAYING THAT IF THE LAST INSTALMENT WASN'T PAID WITHIN SEVEN DAYS THEN UP SHE COMES. YOUR LOVING MOTHER MAN COMES INTO THE BAR OF AN 'INTERNATIONAL' HOTEL WITH A GORRILLA AND SAYS THIS GORRILLA CAN BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF ANYBODY. THE BARMEN SAYS JUST KEEP HIM QUIET AND DON'T MAKE TROUBLE BUT THE GORRILLA WANDERS OFF WHILE THE OWNER HAS A DRINK AND BUMPS THE TABLE OF PADDY, A LITTLE IRISHMAN WHO WAS JUST ENJOYING THE TENTH DRINK OF THE EVENING. AS PADDYS DRINK ROLLED OVER HE LEPT TO HIS FEET AND SOCKED THE GORRILLA IN THE TEETH AND THE GORRILLA STARTED SWINGING BACK. SOON THERE WAS A HELL OF FIGHT GOING ON BETWEEN PADDY AND THE FIGHTING APE WHICH SLOWLY MOVED TO THE DOOR AND OUT. 'MY GOD', SAID THE OWNER, 'MY GORRILLA WILL KILL HIM'. BUT A MINUTE LATER PADDY WALKED BACK INTO THE BAR BRUSHED HIMSELF OFF. WIPED HIS HANDS TOGETHER, AND SAID 'JESUS CHRIST, GIVE THESE WOGS A FUR COAT AND THEY THINK THEY OWN THE PLACE' HEARD ABOUT THE IRISHMAN WHO....? THE IRISH SAILOR WHO WAS SHIPWRECKED ON A DESERT ISLAND.. A LIFEBOAT WAS WASHED ASHORE SO PADDY BUILT A RAFT FROM IT. HEARD ABOUT THE IRISH URI GELLER.? HE RUBBED A SPOON AND BROKE THREE FINGERS. WHAT DO YOU CALL AN IRISHMAN AT VARISTY.? PORTER...! AN IRISHMAN THOUGHT THAT JOHNNY CASH WAS THE CHANGE FROM A DUREX MACHINE AFTER BRITISH RAIL ANNOUNCED THAT CYLCES CAN GO FOR FREE ON RAILWAYS AN IRISH CYCLIST WAS KNOCKED DOWN BY A TRAIN.. WHY DO THEY HAVE SO MUCH FOOD AT AN IRISH WEDDING.? TO KEEP THE FLIES OFF THE BRIDE. THE IRISH THIEF WHO SPENT SEVEN YEARS PLANNING THE PERFECT SMASH AND GRAB... HE WAS ARRESTED STEALING THE BRICK. TWO IRISHMEN ARRANGE A RENDEZVOUS... 'IF I GET THERE FIRST I'LL PUT A BRICK ON THE WALL TO SHOW I HAVE BEEN THERE, IF YOU GET THERE FIRST KNOCK THE BRICK OFF. WHAT DO YOU CALL AN IRISH SPACEMAN.?.. A LUNARTIC. IRISH DRUNKARD, 'BEJASUS THIS WINE IS STRONG'. BARMAN TELLS HIM THE POPE DRINKS IT. 'DATS WHY THEY CARRY HIM AROUND IN A CHAIR'. COMEDIAN.. 'I WILL NOW TELL AN IRISH JOKE', ... PADDY CALLS OUT, 'WATCH IT COS OI'M IRISH', COMEDIAN SAYS, 'ALRIGHT, THEN I'LL TELL IT SLOWLY'. TWO IRISHMEN PASS A POLICE STATION AND SEE A POSTER OUTSIDE SAYING, 'PAKISTANI WANTED FOR RAPE', ..'BEJASUS PADDY, DESE BLOODY FOREIGNERS GET ALL THE BEST JOBS'. TWO IRISHMEN PASS A CANADIAN EMPLOYMENT AGENCY AND SEE A SIGN SAYING, 'TREE FELLERS WANTED', 'BEJASUS PADDY, AND DERE'S ONLY TWO OF US'. THE IRISHMAN WHO SPENT SEVEN YEARS AT UNIVERSITY AND ENDED UP WITH AN IQ EQUAL TO NONE. IRISH BUTCHER SPENT THREE DAYS TRYING TO HANG A POUND OF MINCE-MEAT. IRISH TADPOLE WHO GREW UP TO BE A BUTTERFLY. IRISH CONTRACEPTIVE PILL... 6 FEET IN DIAMETER. THE WOMEN ROLL IT AGAINST THE BEDROOM DOOR. IRISHMAN WHO TRIED UNSUCCESSFULLY TO BREED CHICKENS, HE WAS PLANTING THEM TOO FAR APART. THE IRISHMAN WHO COULDN'T COMPLETE THE TWO PIECE JIGSAW PUZZLE BECAUSE HE LOST THE LID. IRISH WOOD-WORM,... FOUND IN BRICK IRISHWOMAN THAT HAD SIX KIDS, 'WHY DON'T YOU USE THE PILL ?' 'I DO BUT IT KEEPS FALLING OUT'. IRISHWOMANS PHILOSOPHY, 'IF GOD DIDN'T MEAN US TO HAVE SO MANY CHILDREN THEN WHY DOES HE KEEP GETTING US SO DRUNK ON SATURDAY NIGHTS?'. THE IRISH HAVE SOLVED THE UNEMPLOYMENT PROBLEM, THEY'VE RAISED THE SCHOOL LEAVING AGE TO SIXTY. IRISH GIRL TO MOTHER, 'IM PREGNANT', MOTHER..'ARE YOU SURE ITS YOURS?' TWO IRISHMEN TALKING ABOUT THEIR JOBS. ONE SAYS, 'I HAVE A TWELVE HOUR DAY FROM 6 IN THE MORNING TO 6 AT NIGHT'. THE OTHER SAYS, 'I HAVE A FOURTEEN HOUR DAY FROM 7 IN THE MORNING TO 7 AT NIGHT'. IN 20 YEARS TIME THE IRISH WILL PROBABLY DECLARE WAR ON THE ENGLISH.. THEY WILL HAVE STARTED TO UNDERSTAND THE JOKES. THE IRISHMAN IN A COMPETITION ASKED TO SPELL 'PAINT' ASKED, 'EXCUSE ME SIR, BUT WHAT COLOUR IS IT?' THE IRISHMAN WHO WORKED IN A BANANA FACTORY GOT FIRED FOR THROWING OUT ALL THE BENT ONES THE IRISHMAN WHOSE WIFE HAD 15 CHILDREN DECIDED TO STERILISE HER SO HE BOILED HER FOR 5 MINUTES. THE IRISHMAN WHO WAS SHOWN THE 69 POSITION BY A PROSTITUTE WHO UNFORTUNATELY BROKE WIND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ACT. HE GOT UP AND LEFT SAYING, 'I COULDN'T STAND ANOTHER 68 OF THOSE' THE IRISH TRAFFIC WARDEN WHO BOOKED A STEAMROLLER FOR HAVING BALD TYRES. THE IRISHMAN WHO WAS ASKED TO CHECK A MATES CAR INDICATORS, 'YES THEY WORK, NO THEY DON'T, YES THEY DO, NO THEY DON'T...' THE IRISH LORRY DRIVER WHO DIPPED HIS HEADLIGHTS IN THE LAKE. THE IRISH LORRY DRIVER WHO DROVE HIS LORRY OVER A CLIFF TO TEST THE AIR BRAKES. THE IRISH THUG WHO MUGGED A STREAKER WHY DO IRISHMEN ONLY HAVE A 30 MINUTE LUNCH-BREAK ? THEY WOULD HAVE TO RETRAINED FOR THE AFTERNOONS WORK. THE IRISHMAN OBSERVING HIS NEIGHBOUR HAVING A LOAD OF TURVES DELIVERED SAID THEY HE WISHED HE COULD AFFORD TO SEND HIS LAWN TO THE LAUNDRY THE IRISH LETTER-BOMBER WHO PUT HIS OWN NAME AND ADDRESS ON THE BACK OF THE PARCEL, HEADED, 'IN CASE OF NON-DELIVERY .....'. THE IRISH COMEDIAN WHO LEFT THE STAGE BECAUSE PEOPLE KEPT LAUGHING AT HIM. THE IRISHMAN WHO FOUND HIS WIFE IN BED WITH THE LODGER PUT A GUN TO HIS HEAD AND SAID, 'WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING ABOUT? YOU'RE NEXT'. THE IRISHWOMAN WHO MOVED INTO A HIGH-RISE BLOCK OF FLATS TOOK THREE WEEKS TO SCRUB THE FRONT STEPS. THE IRISH DOG WHO CHASED PARKED CARS. IRISH DEODORANT.. SQUIRT INTO THE AIR AND CATCH WITH YOUR ARMPITS. IRISH TRAFFIC EXPERIMENT PRIOR TO JOINING THE COMMON MARKET.. WE WILL DRIVE ON THE RIGHT STARTING NEXT SUNDAY. IF THE EXPERIMENT IS A SUCCESS WE WILL EXTEND IT TO INCLUDE CARS AS WELL AS BUSES AND LORRIES. THE IRISHMAN TOLD HIS DOG MUST SHIT IN THE GUTTER FELL OFF THE ROOF HOLDING IT UP THERE. THE IRISH MUSICAL, 'THE STUPID PRINCE', HE STAYED A FROG ALL HIS LIFE. THE IRISH MOON EXPEDITION THAT DIDN'T GET OFF THE GROUND AS THEY COULDN'T FIND A MILK BOTTLE LARGE ENOUGH TO STAND THE ROCKET IN. THE IRISH SUN EXPEDITION WHEN ASKED IF THEY WERE AFRAID THEY WOULD BURN UP SAID, 'NO, WE'RE GOING AT NIGHT'. THE IRISH BIONIC MAN NICNAMED 'SCRAP'. THE IRISH MAN WHO TOOK BACK A TIE BECAUSE IT WAS TOO TIGHT. THE IRISHMAN WHO THOUGHT A CUBICLE WAS A SQUARE TESTICLE. THE IRISHMAN WHO THOUGHT FUCK-ALL WAS A STATELY HOME. THE IRISHMAN WHO TOOK HIS CAR FOR A SERVICE BUT GOT IT JAMMED BY THE FONT. THE IRISH WATER POLO TEAM THAT HAD TO GIVE UP BECAUSE ALL THEIR HORSES DROWNED. THE IRISHMAN ON A BUILDING SITE HAD HIS EAR KNOCKED OFF BY A FALLING BRICK. THE EAR IS FOUND BY SOMEONE ELSE, 'IS THIS YOURS PADDY ?' 'NO SIR, MINE HAD A PENCIL BEHIND IT'. HOW DO YOU GET AN IRISHMAN TO BURN HIS EARS ? PHONE HIM WHILE HE'S IRONING. WHAT DO YOU CALL A PREGNANT IRISHWOMAN ? A DOPE CARRIER. WHAT DO YOU CALL AN IRISHMAN ON A BICYCLE ? A DOPE PEDDLER. IRISH GOURMET SPECIALITY... SOUP IN A BASKET. THE IRISH DRIVER WHO ROLLED FORWARD ON A HILL START. THE IRISH FIRING SQUAD FORMED A CIRCLE. WHAT DO CALL 144 IRISHMEN... GROSS STUPIDITY. WHY ARE THERE ONLY 20 HOURS IN AN IRISH DAY.. THEY DONT HAVE 24 FINGERS AND TOES. HOW DO YOU SPOT AN IRISH FATHER CHRISTMAS.. HE'S GOT A SACK FULL OF EASTER EGGS. FOUR PADDIES IN A CIRCLE ARRESTED SMOKING POT, POLICE SAID LATER THEY HAD SMASHED A DOPE RING. THE IRISHMAN WHO FELL 3000 FEET DOWN A WELL.. 'HAVE YOU BROKEN ANYTHING ?', 'NO SIR, THERE'S NOTHING DOWN HERE TO BREAK'. THE IRISHMAN WHO THOUGHT PONTIUS PILATE WORKED FOR AER LINGUS. IRISH WOMAN GAVE BIRTH TO TRIPLETS, PADDY IS LOOKING FOR THE OTHER TWO GUYS. THE IRISHMAN WHO STOLE A CALENDER, HE GOT TWELVE MONTHS. THE IRISHMAN WHO FELL OUT THE WINDOW IRONING HIS CURTAINS. THE IRISHMAN WHO WENT TO THE DENTIST TO HAVE A WISDOM TOOTH PUT IN. THE IRISHMAN WHO CRASHED HIS HELICOPTER, 'I TURNED THE FAN OFF AS I COULDN'T STAND THE NOISE'. THE IRISHMAN STUDYING MYTHOLOGY ASKED WHAT WAS HALF BEAST AND HALF MAN REPLIED 'BUFFALO BILL'. THE IRISHMAN WHO FOUND SOME MILK BOTTLES IN HEDGEROW THOUGHT HE HAD DISCOVERED A COWS NEST. THE IRISHMAN WHO BOUGHT A PAIR OF WELLIES AND TOOK THEM BACK 3 DAYS LATER FOR A LONGER PIECE OF STRING. THE IRISHMANS WIFE WANTED A COAT MADE OF ANIMAL SKIN SO HE BOUGHT HER A DONKEY JACKET. THE IRISHMAN WHO IS SUING THE LOCAL BAKERY FOR UNAUTHORISED USE OF HIS SIGNATURE ON THEIR EASTER HOT-CROSS-BUNS. WHAT DO YOU GET IF YOU CROSS AN IRISHMAN WITH A PIG ? THICK BACON. IRISH SUMMER FASHION... PEEP-TOED WELLIES. IRISHMAN WHO DROVE THE KYALAMI 9 HOUR HAD 32 PIT STOPS, 1 FOR PETROL AND 31 TO ASK THE WAY. THE IRISH GOLDFISH.. IT DROWNED. IRISH PARACHUTE.. OPENS ON IMPACT. TWO IRISHMEN DRIVING A CAR WITH A BOMB ON THE BACK SEAT HAVE TO BRAKE SUDDENLY AND BOMB FALLS TO THE FLOOR. 'WHAT WOULD WE HAVE DONE IF IT HAD GONE OFF ?', 'IT'S OK THERE TWO MORE IN THE BOOT'. WHAT DO YOU DO IF AN IRISHMAN THROWS A HAND-GRENADE AT YOU ? PULL OUT THE PIN AND THROW IT BACK. WHAT DO YOU DO IF AN IRISHMAN THROWS A PIN AT YOU ? RUN LIKE HELL, HE'S GOT A HAND-GRENADE IS HIS MOUTH. THE IRISHMAN WHO CAREFULLY PULLED THE PIN ON THE HAND GRENADE AND DISCOVERED HE HAD FORGOTTEN TO WIND DOWN THE WINDOW. THE IRISHMAN WHO JUMPED OFF A HIGH BUILDING BECAUSE HE HAD HEARD THAT THEY USED TO FLY WELLINGTONS DURING THE WAR. THE IRISHMAN THAT THOUGHT JONNY CASH WAS CHANGE FROM A DUREX MACHINE. IRISHMAN ON BULDING SITE, 'WHAT'S A CUBIC FOOT PADDY ?' 'I DON'T KNOW BUT CLAIM FOR IT ANYWAY. IRISH DOG CHEWING A BONE WALKED AWAY ON THREE LEGS. THE IRISH PILOT ASKED HIS HEIGHT AND POSITION REPLIED 'SIX FOOT TWO AND SITTING IN THE FRONT' THE IRISHMAN ASKED 'WHERE ARE THE ANDIES', REPLIED, 'AT THE END OF MY ARMIES' IRISHMAN ASKED 'WHAT WAS GHANDI'S FIRST NAME' REPLIED, 'WOULD IT BE GOOSEY GOOSEY ?' WHAT HAS AN IQ OF 143.?.. A GROSS OF IRISHMEN WHAT HAS AN IQ OF 144.?.. DUBLIN WHAT DO YOU CALL AN IRISHMAN WITH HALF A BRAIN.?.. GIFTED THE IRISHMAN WHO TRIED TO ROW THE ATLANTIC SINGLE HANDED, KEPT GOING ROUND AND ROUND IN CIRCLES. HOW DO YOU CONFUSE AN IRISHMAN ? STAND 3 SHOVELS AGAINST THE WALL AND TELL HIM TO HIS PICK. HOW DO YOU MAKE AN IRISHMAN DIZZY ? STAND HIM IN A DUSTBIN AND TELL HIM TO PEE IN THE CORNER. THE IRISHMAN WHO BROKE INTO A BETTING SHOP AND LOST TEN RAND. THE IRISH MOTHER CONGRATULATED BY THE POPE ON HAVING 17 SONS.. 'EVERY TIME A BOY, EH ?' SAID THE POPE, 'NO SIR', SHE REPLIED 'LOTS OF TIMES WE GOT NOTHING' TWO IRISH QUEERS .. PATRICK FITZWILLIAM AND WILLIAM FITZPATRICK. DEFINITION OF AN IRISHMAN.. SIMPLE MACHINE FOR CONVERTING GUINESS INTO URINE. IRISH KAMIKAZE PILOT FLEW 3 SUCCESSFUL MISSIONS. THE IRISH ROBIN-HOOD FIRED AN ARROW IN THE AIR AND MISSED. WHAT DO YOU CALL AN IRISH BRAIN-SUREGEON.?.. A CHIROPODIST. THE IRISHMAN WHO WENT TO A DRIVE IN MOVIE AND WAS SO DISGUSTED WITH THE MOVIE THAT HE SLASHED THE SEATS. THE IRISH TAP DANCER WHO FELL INTO THE SINK. THE IRISH MORRIS DANCER WHO FELL OFF THE BONNET. THE IRISH SEA-SCOUT WHOSE TENT SANK. THE IRISHMAN WHO DROWNED PUSH STARTING HIS BOAT. COLLECTIVE NOUN FOR A GROUP OF IRISHMEN ... A THICKET. HOW DO YOU BRAIN-WASH AN IRISHMAN.?.. FILL HIS WELLIES WITH WATER. IRISHMAN ASKED TO FETCH A WHEELBARROW CAME BACK WITH THE WHEELBARROW IN ANOTHER WHEELBARROW, 'YOU DIDN'T EXPECT ME TO CARRY IT, DID YOU ?. IRISHMAN ASKED TO SING A SONG. 'TEN GREEN BOTTLES HANGING ON THE WALL, TEN GREEN BOTTLES HANGING ON THE WALL, AND IF ONE GREEN BOTTLE SHOULD ACCIDENTLY FALL, THERE'LL BE ... ERRR UMMMM ERRRR, .. OH DANNY BOY.... AN IRISH TOILET ROLL HAS INSTRUCTIONS PRINTED ON EVERY SHEET. THE IRISH PARACHUTIST WHO GOT LOST ON THE WAY DOWN. HEARD ABOUT THE IRISHMAN WHO BOUGHT A PAPER SHOP...? THE WIND BLEW IT AWAY. HEARD ABOUT THE IRISHMAN WHO PICKED HIS NOSE...? AND HIS HEAD CAVED IN THE IRISHMAN DROVE HIS NEW LORRY OVER A CLIFF TO TEST THE AIR BRAKES THE IRISHMAN WENT TO THE DENTIST TO HAVE A WISDOM TOOTH PUT IN WHEN THE IRIAHMAN WAS BURIED AT SEA FOUR OF HIS MATES DROWNED DIGGING THE HOLE HEARD ABOUT THE IRISHMAN WHO...? WHEN ASKED WHETHER HE HAD COME FROM IRELAND TO THE UK BY PLANE OR BOAT REPLIED THAT HE DIDN'T KNOW AS HIS WIFE HAD BOUGHT THE TICKETS HEARD ABOUT THE IRISHMAN WHO...? WHEN ASKED TO WHERE DID HE REQUIRE THE RETURN TICKET HE HAD ASKED FOR REPLIED 'BACK HERE OF COURSE' THE IRISHMAN WAS GIVEN A PAIR OF WATER SKIS FOR CHRISTMAS AND IS STILL LOOKING FOR A SLOPING LAKE HEARD ABOUT THE IRISHMAN WHO WENT TO MASS. WELL HALF WAY THROUGH THE SERVICE THE PRIEST SUDDENLY ASKED THE CONGREGATION 'WILL ALL THOSE GOOD PEOPLE WHO WOULD LIKE TO GO TO HEAVEN PLEASE STAND UP'. WHERE UPON THE WHOLE CONGREGATION STOOD UP. 'THAT'S VERY NICE TO SEE' SAID THE PRIEST STANDING AT THE PULPIT 'YOU MAY ALL SIT DOWN NOW'. 'AND NOW' HE CONTINUED 'IF THERE'S ANYONE HERE WHO WOULD LIKE TO GO TO HELL WILL YOU PLEASE STAND UP'. EVERYBODY REMAINED SEATED. 'IS THERE NOBODY HERE WHO WOULD LIKE TO GO TO HELL' HE ASKED AGAIN. WHEREUPON PADDY SITTING IN THE BACK PEW STOOD UP. 'THIS IS TERRIBLE PADDY' THE PRIEST SAID 'YOU MEAN YOU REALLY WANT TO GO TO HELL' 'WELL NOT REALLY' PADDY REPLIED 'YOU SEE I DIDN'T LIKE TO SEE YOU STANDING THERE ALL BY YOURSELF'. HEARD ABOUT THE IRISHMAN WHO....? SAID TO HIS MATE 'IT SAYS IN THIS PAPER THAT DURING YOUR WHOLE LIFE YOU NEVER USE MORE THAN ONE THIRD OF YOUR BRAIN' 'IS THAT SO' SAID HIS FRIEND 'AND WHAT HAPPENS TO THE OTHER THIRD ?' WHY IS SEMEN WHITE AND URINE YELLOW ? SO AN IRISHMAN KNOWS WHETHER HE IS COMING OR GOING. WHAT'S WRITTEN ON THE BOTTOM OF A GUINESS BOTTLE ? 'OPEN OTHER END' WHAT'S WRITTEN ON THE TOP OF A GUINESS BOTTLE ? 'SEE OTHER END FOR INSTRUCTIONS' HEARD ABOUT THE IRISHMAN WHO....? WENT IN TO THE DOCTOR WITH HIS EARS BLEEDING AND FEET BANDAGED ? SAID HE JUST BOUGHT A CAN OF BEANS AND ON THE LABEL IT HAD SAID 'PIERCE 'EAR AND STAND IN BOILING WATER' HEARD ABOUT THE IRISHMEN WHO....? CRASH LANDED ON THE SAHARA DESERT AND ONE TURNED TO OTHER AND SAID, WE'D BETTER GET OUT OF HERE FAST PADDY, BEFORE THEY DELIVER THE CEMENT. HEARD ABOUT THE LATEST IRISH ATTEMPT TO PUT A MAN ON THE MOON ? IT FAILED WHEN THEY RAN OUT OF SCAFFOLDING WHY DID THE IRISH GET ALL THE POTATOES AND THE ARABS GET ALL THE OIL ? BECAUSE THE IRISH HAD FIRST CHOICE. PADDY AND MURPHY WERE FLYING TO DUBLIN TOGETHER WHEN OVER THE INTERCOM THE CAPTAIN ANNOUNCED, 'SORRY LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BUT ONE OF THE ENGINES JUST STOPPED'. 'THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT BUT WE WILL BE ABOUT HALF AN HOUR LATE GETTING TO DUBLIN' PADDY LOOOKED AT MURPHY BUT THEY BOTH SAID NOTHING. A LITTLE LATER THE INTERCOM CRACKLED AGAIN, 'SORRY LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BUT A SECOND ENGINE HAS JUST STOPPED'. 'THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT BUT WE WILL BE ABOUT ONE HOUR LATE GETTING TO DUBLIN' PADDY LOOOKED AT MURPHY BUT THEY BOTH SAID NOTHING. ONCE AGAIN A FEW MINUTES LATER, AGAIN THE INTERCOM CAME TO LIFE, 'SORRY LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BUT A THIRD ENGINE HAS JUST STOPPED'. 'THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT BUT WE WILL BE ABOUT FOUR HOURS LATE GETTING TO DUBLIN' PADDY LOOOKED AT MURPHY AND AT LAST SAID, 'CHRIST, IF THE FOURTH ENGINE GOES WE'LL BE UP HERE FOREVER' HOW DO YOU SPOT THE IRISHMEN ON AN OIL RIG ? THEY'RE THE MEN THROWING BREAD TO THE HELICOPTERS HEARD ABOUT THE IRISHMAN WHO....? CAME INTO WORK ONE MORNING WITH HIS FACE SCRATCHED TO BUGGERY ? SEEMS HE HAD TRYING TO USE A KNIFE AND FORK ON SUNDAY. HEARD ABOUT THE IRISHMAN WHO....? THOUGHT LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD WAS A FRENCH LETTER. HOW DO YOU SPOT AN IRISH BANK MANAGER ? HE'S THE MAN WEARING A PIN-STRIPE DONKEY JACKET WHAT'S BLACK AND CRINKLED AND HANGS FROM THE CEILING ? AN IRISH ELECTRICIAN. WHAT'S WRITTEN AT THE TOP OF AN IRISH LADDER ? STOP. HEARD ABOUT THE IRISH GODFATHER WHO....? WOULD MAKE YOU AN OFFER YOU CANT UNDERSTAND HOW MANY IRISHMEN REQUIRED TO SCREW A SCREW INTO A WALL ? FIVE : 1 TO HOLD THE SCREW AND 4 TO TURN THE WALL. HEARD ABOUT THE IRISH DIVER WHO...? WAS WALKING ABOUT ON THE SEABED WHEN HE GOT AN URGENT MESSAGE FROM THE SHIP: 'YOU BETTER COME UP QUICKLY, PADDY, THE SHIP IS SINKING'. HEARD ABOUT THE IRISH CONSTABLE WHO...? WAS PROMOTED TO SERGEANT FROM A CLASS OF TWO HUNDRED. EACH ONE WAS ASKED ONLY ONE QUESTION: HOW MUCH IS SIX TIMES SEVEN? PADDY GOT PROMOTED BECAUSE HE SAID FORTY-THREE. HE WAS THE CLOSEST. A VENTRILOQUIST WAS GIVING A SHOW. HE HAD THE PUPPET ON HIS LAP, AND WAS TELLING IRISH JOKES. AFTER A WHILE, PADDY JUMPED UP AT THE BACK OF THE HALL AND SAID: 'IF YOU TELL ONE MORE IRISH JOKE, I'LL FUCK YOU UP. I AM IRISH, AND PROUD OF IT'. SO THE VENTRILOQUIST STARTED TO APOLOGISE, BUT PADDY INTERRUPTED: 'I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU, I'M TALKING TO THAT CHEEKY LITTLE FUCKER ON YOUR LAP'. HEARD ABOUT THE IRISHMAN WHO WALKED INTO A BAR WITH A PIG UNDER HIS ARM ? THE BARMAN SAID TO HIM, 'WHERE DID YOU GET THAT ?' AND THE PIG REPLIED, 'I WON HIM IN A RAFFLE'. HEAR THE ONE ABOUT THE IRISHMAN WHO GAVE HIS WIFE A VIBRATOR FOR CHRISTMAS AND SHE BROKE THREE TEETH ON IT ? WHAT IS THE SIMILARITY BETWEEN A USED FL AND A IRISH SUBMARINE? THEY"RE BOTH FULL OF USELESS SEMEN. PADDY CAME OVER FROM IRELAND TO FIND A JOB AND LANDED IN LIVERPOOL EARLY ONE EVENING. HIS FIRST IDEA WAS TO GO TO MANCHESTER TO LOOK UP MICHAEL, AN OLD FRIEND OF HIS. BECAUSE THE TWO TOWNS ARE NOT FAR APART HE TOOK A TAXI BUT JUST SAT IN THE BACK SEAT STARING AHEAD OF HIM. THE TAXI DRIVER FELY SORRY FOR PADDY AND BY WAY OF BREAKING THE SILENCE HE ASKED, 'PADDY, DO YOU LIKE RIDDLES?' THERE WAS A PAUSE AS PADDY REPEATED THE WORD 'RIDDLES' SEVERAL TIMES TRYING TO REMEMBER WHAT THEY WERE. AT LAST HE SAID, 'OH YES, RIDDLES, I LIKE RIDDLES'. 'GOOD', SAID THE TAXI-DRIVER, 'TRY THIS ONE...' 'BROTHERS AND SISTERS HAVE I NONE,' 'BUT THIS MANS FATHER IS MY FATHERS SON,' '.... WHO IS IT ?' WELL PADDY THOUGHT OUT LOUD FOR SEVERAL MINUTES AND FINALLY SAID, 'NO, I GIVE UP. WHO IS IT?' 'ITS ME', SAID THE TAXI-DRIVER, 'THINK ABOUT IT CAREFULLY',. AND THEN HE GAVE UP, AND THE REST OF THE JOURNEY WAS IN SILENCE. WHEN PADDY GOT TO MANCHESTER HE WENT OUT TO THE PUB WITH HIS FRIEND MICHAEL AND THEY BOTH SAT THERE STARING AT EACH OTHER OVER PINTS OF BEER. AFTER A LONG WHILE PADDYS EYES LIT UP AND HE SAID, 'MICHAEL, DO YOU LIKE RIDDLES?' THERE WAS A SIMILAR PAUSE AS MICHAEL REPEATED THE WORD 'RIDDLES' SEVERAL TIMES TRYING TO REMEMBER WHAT THEY WERE. EVENTUALLY HE SAID, 'OH YES, RIDDLES, I LIKE RIDDLES'. 'GOOD', SAID PADDY, 'THEN TRY THIS ONE...' 'BROTHERS AND SISTERS HAVE I NONE,' 'BUT THIS MANS FATHER IS MY FATHERS SON,' '.... WHO IS IT ?' WELL MICHAEL ALSO THOUGHT OUT LOUD FOR SEVERAL MINUTES AND FINALLY SAID, 'NO, I GIVE UP. WHO IS IT?' 'ITS EASY' SAID PADDY, 'IT'S A TAXI-DRIVER FROM LIVERPOOL' AN ENGLISHMAN, A SCOTSMAN AND AN IRISHMAN WERE SENTENCED TO HAVE THEIR HEADS CHOPPED OFF UNDER THE GUILLOTINE. THE ENGLISHMAN WENT FIRST AND LAY DOWN OVER THE BLOCK. THE ROPE WAS PULLED AND THE BLADE HURTLED DOWN BUT JAMMED TO A STOP ONLY HALF AN INCH FROM HIS NECK. 'MADRE DOS DIOS', GASPED THE EXECUTIONER, 'IN FRENCH LAW 'YOU HAVE ESCAPED THE KISS OF DEATH FROM MADAME GULLOTINE 'AND SO YOU MAY GO A FREE MAN'. THE ENGLISHMAN STUMBLED AWAY GASPING HIS RELIEF. THE SCOTSMAN WAS NEXT AND EXACTLY THE SAME THING HAPPENED, THE BLADE JAMMED ONLY HALF AN INCH FROM HIS NECK. 'MADRE DOS DIOS', GASPED THE EXECUTIONER AGAIN, 'IN FRENCH LAW 'YOU HAVE ESCAPED THE KISS OF DEATH FROM MADAME GULLOTINE 'AND SO YOU ALSO MAY GO A FREE MAN'. THE SCOTSMAN STUMBLED AWAY TO JOIN THE ENGLISHMAN. THE IRISHMAN NOW MOUNTED THE PLATFORM AND LAY ON THE BLOCK. AGAIN THE BLADE WHISTLED DOWN BUT STOPPED JUST SHORT OF HIS NECK. THE IRISHMAN SQUIRMED AROUND AND LOOKED UP AT THE BLADE SAYING, 'ITS ALRIGHT, I THINK I CAN SEE WHAT THE PROBLEM IS'. WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF AN IRISH MIXED-GRILL.? MASHED POTATOES,ROAST POTATOES,BOILED POTATOES AND CHIPS.. TWO IRISH MEN WERE WALKING DOWN THE ROAD IN SCOTLAND WHEN THEY HAPPENED UPON TWO SCOTS CARRYING A HUGE SALMON BETWEEN THEM..! "WHERE DID YOU GET DAT",SAID PADDY. "WEEL JUST GAI DOON TOO THE BRIDGE AND HANG OVER THE SIDE UNTIL THE SALMON COMES ALONG,TICKLE IT UNDER ITS BELLY THEN YOU CAN PULL IT OUT". SO PADDY AND MURPHY WENT DOWN TO THE BRIDGE WHICH WAS QUITE HIGH . SO MURPHY HELD PADDY'S ANKLES WHILE PADDY HUNG DOWN WAITING FOR THE SALMON. TWO HOURS LATER PADDY SHOUTED,"PULL ME UP QUICK" "WHY", ASKED MURPHY ,"HAVE YOU GOT A SALMON.?" "NO", SAID PADDY ,"BUT THERES A BLOODY TRAIN COMING...." SHAMUS WALKS INTO A PUB AND SEES HIS MATE PAT STANDING AT THE BAR WITH A SACK OVER HIS SHOULDER. "PATRICK" HE ASKS "WHAT'S IN THE SACK?". "SOME DUCKS" SAYS PAT "AND IF YOU CAN GUESS HOW MANY,I'LL GIVE YOU BOTH OF THEM". SHAMUS SAID "THREE!" HEARD ABOUT THE IRISHMAN WHO WAS DOING A CROSSWORD ? SEAN : " THIS IS A DIFFICULT ONE,PAT.IT'S GOT FOUR LETTERS AND IT SAYS OLD MACDONALD HAD ONE.WHAT IS IT ? ". PAT : " DATS EASY,IT'S A FARM ". SEAN : " HOW DO YOU SPELL IT ? ". PAT : " E - I - E - I - O ". WHAT DO YOU CALL AN IRISHMAN WHO HAS 1500 GIRL FRIENDS.? A SHEPPARD.! HEARD ABOUT THE IRISH DRACULA ? HE BIT VICTORIA PRINCIPAL ON THE NECK. TWO PERSPIRING IRISHMEN ON A TANDEM BICYCLE AT LAST REACHED THE TOP TOP OF A STEEP HILL. "THAT WAS A STIFF CLIMB, PADDY," SAID ONE. "IT WAS THAT", REPLIED PADDY, "AND IF I HADN'T KEPT THE BRAKE NO WE WOULD HAVE GONE BACKWARDS, TO BE SURE". WHAT DO YOU PAY AN IRISHMAN FOR CLEANING THE TOILETS ON SUNDAY.? TIME AND A TURD..! THE IRISHMAN BOUGHT A BLACK AND WHITE DOG AS HE THOUGHT THE LICENCE WOULD BE CHEAPER. DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE IRISHMAN WHO THOUGHT THAT SHERLOCK HOLMES WAS A BLOCK OF FLATS. THE FIRE ENGINE CAREERED AROUND THE CORNER AND SPED OFF UP THE ROAD WITH ITS BELLS CLANGING JUST AS PADDY STAGGERED DRUNKENLY OUT OF THE PUB. HE PROMPTLY CHASED AFTER THE FLEEING FIRE ENGINE BUT SOON COLLAPSED EXHAUSTED AFTER ABOUT A HUNDRED YARDS. 'ALL RIGHT', HE SHOUTED FROM THE PAVEMENT, 'YOU CAN KEEP YOUR BLOODY ICE-CREAM'. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 (:O & 5:1 JESUS and ELVIS - Coincidence, or Cosmic Plan? (:O & 5:1 ==================================================================== JESUS is the Lord's shepherd. ELVIS dated Cybill Shepherd. JESUS was a carpenter. ELVIS' favorite high school class was wood shop. JESUS was part of the Trinity. ELVIS' very first band was a trio. JESUS' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members. ELVIS' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members. JESUS is a Capricorn. (December 25) [though may actually be September 23] ELVIS is a Capricorn. (January 8) JESUS was the lamb of God. ELVIS had mutton chop sideburns. JESUS was first and foremost the Son of God. ELVIS first recorded with Sun Studios, performing what are still considered to be his foremost recordings. JESUS' Father is everywhere. ELVIS' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit. JESUS said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink." (John 7:37) ELVIS said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM:1957) JESUS fasted for 40 days and nights. ELVIS had irregular eating habits. (eg: 5 banana splits for breakfast) JESUS said: "Man shall not live by bread alone." ELVIS liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas. Matthew was one of JESUS' many biographers. (The Gospel According to Matthew) Neil Matthews was one of ELVIS' many biographers. (Elvis: A Golden Tribute) "[JESUS'] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow." ELVIS wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts. (Matthew 28:3) JESUS said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39) ELVIS said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA 1956) JESUS walked on water. (Matthew 14:25) ELVIS surfed on water. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount:1965) Mary, an important woman in JESUS' life, had an Immaculate Conception. Priscilla, an important woman in ELVIS' life, attended Immaculate Conception High School. JESUS H. CHRIST has 12 letters. ELVIS PRESLEY has 12 letters. No one knows what the "H" in "JESUS H. Christ" stood for. No one was really sure if ELVIS' middle name was "Aron" or "Aaron". JESUS wore a crown of thorns. ELVIS wore Royal Crown hair styler. JESUS had his famous Resurrection. ELVIS had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special. JESUS lived in a state of grace, in a Near Eastern land. ELVIS lived in Graceland, in a nearly eastern state. BUT WAIT - THERE'S MORE! ------------------------ The letters in ELVIS also spell: "Lives", "Evils", and "Viles". The letters in JESUS don't spell much of anything else. But then, neither do the letters in PRESLEY. However, JESUS CHRIST does transmogrify to: "Chess Jurist", "Rich Justess" (close enough), "Sterjc Sushi" (Czech fingerfood), "Such Sister J" (a possible `friend' of Elvis??), and "Such jest, Sir!" Further, ELVIS PRESLEY will also spell: "Less Vile Prey", "Silly Vespere", "Peerless Vily", and "Riply's Sleeve" (Believe It or Not!) Moreover, "Christmas" has the same number of letters as "Graceland". And the three letters shared in common, spell both "arc" and "car". Lastly - and this is an Internet Exclusive - JESUS and ELVIS were never both seen in the same place at the same time. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A MAN WALKED INTO A DOCTORS WAITING ROOM AND SAW A NUN SITTING THERE CRYING HER EYES OUT AND OBVIOUSLY VERY UPSET WHEN HE WENT INTO THE DOCTOR HE ASKED THE GOOD PHYSICIAN WHY THE NUN WAS CRYING SO MUCH. THE DOCTOR REPLIED 'I TOLD HER SHE WAS PREGNANT' 'GOOD GRIEF' SAID THE GUY,'BUT HOW CAN THAT BE AS SHE IS A NUN ?' 'SHE ISN'T REALLY' SAID THE GOOD DOCTOR, 'BUT IT CURED HER HICCUPS' THE YEARS NEW INTAKE OF NOVICES WERE GETTING THEIR INITIAL MEDICAL INSPECTION FROM THE CONVENT DOCTOR WHEN HE NOTICED SOMETHING DIFFERENT ABOUT ONE OF THE OLDER GIRLS. THE KINDLY OLD PRACTITIONER WENT IMMEDIATELY TO THE MOTHER SUPERIOR AND INFORMED HER... 'MOTHER SUPERIOR, YOU HAVE AMONGST THE NEW GIRLS ONE WITH AN INCREDIBLY RARE DEFORMITY, SHE HAS BEEN BLESSED WITH TWO FANNIES.' 'GOOD GRACIOUS', EXCLAIMED THE MOTHER SUPERIOR, 'WILL SHE BE ABLE TO LEAD A NORMAL LIFE?' 'OF COURSE', THE GOOD DOCTOR REPLIED, 'ESPECIALLY AS SHE IS TO BE A NUN, NO-ONE WILL EVER NOTICE, HOWEVER, I SHOULD LIKE IT VERY MUCH IF YOU WOULD ALLOW ME TO CONSULT WITH MY PROFESSIONAL COLLEAGUES AND ASK THEM TO COME AND LOOK AT HER.' 'OF COURSE YOU MAY', SAID THE MOTHER SUPERIOR AND OFF HE WENT. THREE WEEKS LATER THE CONVENT MEDIC RETURNED WITH HIS PROFESSIONAL COLLEAGES AND ASKED TO SEE THE AFFECTED NUN. 'I'M AFRAID YOU CAN'T', SAID THE MOTHER SUPERIOR, 'WE HAD TO GET RID OF HER'. 'WHY', ASKED THE OLD DOCTOR IN REPLY. 'WE COULDN'T STAND HER " HOLIER THAN THOU " ATTITUDE', WAS THE REPLY. TWO NUNS RIDING BICYCLES DOWN A COBBLED STREET, AND ONE TURNES TO THE OTHER AND SAYS 'DO YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER COME THIS WAY BEFORE ?'.... ...AT LAST THE HILL WAS TOO STEEP AND THE POOR NUNS HAD TO GET OFF THEIR BICYCLES AND WALK. AS THEY PASSED A DARK PASSAGEWAY TWO YOBOES JUMPED OUT, DRAGGED THEM INTO THE PASSAGE AND STARTED TO RAPE THEM 'LORD FORGIVE THEM FOR THEY KNOW NOT WHAT THEY DO',SAID ONE 'SSHHHHHH', SAID THE OTHER,'THIS ONE DOES'..... ....AFTER THEY HAVE BEEN RAPED BY THE TWO YOBBO'S THE TWO NUNS CONTINUE TO THE TOP OF THE HILL TO THE CONVENT. ONE TURNS TO THE OTHER AND SAYS 'WHAT WILL WE TELL THE MOTHER SUPERIOR ABOUT BEING RAPED TWICE ?' AND THE OTHER REPLIES 'BUT WE WERE ONLY RAPED ONCE', AND THE FIRST SAYS 'WE'RE COMING BACK THIS WAY AREN'T WE ?'... ....SO THE POOR NUNS RAPED AND EXHAUSTED CONFESS TO THE MOTHER SUPERIOR THOSE THINGS THAT HAD HAPPENED ON THE WAY (SEE NUNSEQ01/02/03) AND SHE SAYS 'GO AWAY AND EACH SUCK HALF A LEMON'. 'WILL THAT ABSOLVE US FROM OUR SIN ?',ASKS ONE OF THE NUNS, 'NO', SAID THE MOTHER SUPERIOR, 'BUT IT WILL WIPE THAT SILLY GRIN OF YOUR FACES'.... ....SO AFTER THE TWO NUNS HAVE SUCKED THEIR LEMONS THEY RETURN TO THE MOTHER SUPERIOR FOR THE SECOND PART OF THEIR PENNANCE. 'NOW YOU MUST GO AND WASH YOUR FANNIES IN THE HOLY WATER', SAYS THE MOTHER SUPERIOR 'AND YOUR SINS WILL BE FINALLY ABSOLVED'. SO OFF THEY GO TO THE FONT IN THE CATHEDRAL, AND AFTER LOOKING AROUND TO CHECK NO-ONE IS ABOUT, THEY ARE JUST ABOUT TO CLAP THE HOLY SPONGES OVER THEIR PUSSIES WHEN ANOTHER NUN COMES RUSHING UP AND SAYS, 'WAIT WAIT, I'VE GOT TO GARGLE IN THAT FIRST'.... ...LATER THAT NIGHT ALL THE NUNS ARE LYING IN THE DORMITORY WHEN THE MOTHER SUPERIOR CALLS UP THE STAIRS, 'ALL RIGHT GIRLS, IT'S TEN'O'CLOCK, BIBLES AWAY AND CANDLES OUT' AND COMES THE SOUND 'POP' 'POP' 'POP' ....... ....AND THATS ONE OF THE REASONS WHY NUNS GO AROUND IN PAIRS. SO THAT ONE NUN SEES THE OTHER NUN GETS NUN..... ....BUT THE MOTHER SUPERIOR WAS NOT HEARTLESS AND KNEW HER YOUNGER NUNS AND SAID,'I HAVE NO OBJECTION TO YOU GETTING A LITTLE BIT FROM THE MONKS ACROSS THE WAY, BUT DON'T GET INTO THE HABIT'... ....NINE MONTHS LATER THE ONE NUN GAVE BIRTH TO A BABY WITHOUT ANYBODY KNOWING ABOUT IT. SHE WAS IN TWO MINDS AS TO WHETHER SHE SHOULD TELL THE MOTHER SUPERIOR ABOUT IT. SHE EVENTIALLY DECIDED TO TELL HER. SO SHE TOOK THE BABY AND WENT TO THE MOTHER S'S ROOM. ARRIVING THERE SHE FOUND THE MOTHER SOUND ASLEEP WITH HER LEGS ASTRIDE. SEEING A SOLUTION TO HER PROBLEM SHE CAREFULLY PLACED THE BABY BETWEEN MOTHERS LEGS AND LEFT.THE NEXT MORNING THE MOTHER WOKE UP AND FOUND THE BABY THERE AND EXCLAIMED, 'FUCKIT, YOU CAN'T EVEN TRUST THE ALTAR CANDLES THESE DAYS...' ..... A FEW MONTHS LATER THE SAME NUN WENT TO THE HEAD MONK TO TO COMPLAIN. "FATHER I CAME WALKING THROUGH THE PARK TODAY WHEN A BASTARD GRABBED ME AND KISSED ME" "LIKE THIS MY CHILD?" THE MONK ASKED AND GRABBED HER AND KISSED HER. "YES FATHER" "BUT THAT IS NO REASON TO CALL THE MAN A BASTARD MY CHILD." "YES FATHER BUT THEN HE THREW MY ON THE GRASS" "LIKE THIS MY CHILD?" THE MONK ASKED AND THREW HER DOWN ON THE COUCH. "YES FATHER" "BUT THAT IS NO REASON TO CALL THE MAN A BASTARD MY CHILD." "YES FATHER BUT THEN HE UNDRESSED ME" "LIKE THIS MY CHILD?" THE MONK ASKED AND TOOK HER CLOTHES OFF. "YES FATHER" "BUT THAT IS NO REASON TO CALL THE MAN A BASTARD MY CHILD." "YES FATHER BUT THEN HE RAPED ME" "LIKE THIS MY CHILD?" THE MONK ASKED AND STARTED SCREWING HER, "YES FATHER" "BUT THAT IS NO REASON TO CALL THE MAN A BASTARD MY CHILD." "YES FATHER, BUT HE GAVE ME V.D." "SUCH A BASTARD!!." HE EXCLAIMED PULLING HIS SCHLUNG OUT IN A GREAT RUSH. MOTHER SUPERIOR TO NUNS RIDING BICYCLE IN THE COURTYARD: 'O.K. GIRLS,BACK ON WITH THE SADDLES' NOVICE NUN IN CONVENT (NUNNERY?) IS ASKED TO HOLD THE FORT WHILST THE MOTHER SUPERIOR IS AWAY AND IS GIVEN SPECIAL INSTRUCTIONS TO LOOK AFTER AN AILING OLD MONK WHO IS SPENDING HIS LAST DAYS THERE. ON HER RETURN THE MOTHER SUPERIOR ASKED 'HOW IS THE OLD MONK ?' AND THE NOVICE SAID THAT ON THE FIRST DAY SOON AFTER SHE HAD TAKEN IN HIS FOOD SHE HAD SEEN A LARGE LUMP UNDER HIS HABIT AND ASKED WHAT IT WAS. HE HAD REPLIED THAT IT WAS THE KEY TO HEAVEN AND THAT SHE HAD THE KEYHOLE. HE HAD UNLOCKED THE DOOR TO HEAVEN SEVERAL TIMES SINCE THEN. 'THE OLD BASTARD' REPLIED THE MOTHER SUPERIOR, 'HE TOLD ME IT WAS GABRIELS HORN' NOVICE IN CONVENT GARDEN IS FRIGHTENING PIGEONS FROM NEWLY PLANTED SEEDS BY WAVING HER HANDS AND SHOUTING 'FUCK OFF' TO THE BIRDS. MOTHER SUPERIOR IS AGHAST AND RUNS QUICKLY TO THE LITTLE NUN. 'SSHHHHHH' SAYS THE MOTHER SUPERIOR, 'THAT'S NOT THE WAY TO DO IT', 'YOU MUST JUST SAY 'SHOO SHOO' AND THEY'LL FUCK OFF BY THEMSELVES' A PRIEST WAS CONFRONTED BY A PROSTITUTE. 'DO YOU WANT A QUICKY FOR FIVE RAND?'. NOT KNOWING WHAT IT WAS ,HE SAID NO. A FEW MINUTES ANOTHER PROSTITUTE ALSO OFFERED HIM A QUICKY FOR FIVE RAND. AGAIN HE SAID NO. WHEN HE GOT BACK TO THE MONASTERY HIS CURIOSITY GOT THE BETTER OF HIM AND HE WENT TO A NUN. 'WHAT' HE ASKED 'IS A QUICKY?' THE NUN ANSWERED 'THE SAME AS IN TOWN. FIVE RAND' THE LITTLE NOVICE WAS ONLY ELEVEN YEARS OLD AND WAS TROUBLED BY THE TINY SWELLINGS ON HER CHEST, THINKING THIS WAS SOME PENANCE THAT GOD WAS MAKING HER SUFFER FOR SOME UNREMEMBERED SIN. SO SHE WENT HESITANTLY TO THE MOTHER SUPERIORS OFFICE AND KNOCKED ON THE DOOR. 'COME IN', SAID THE MOTHER SUPERIOR, 'WHAT IS TROUBLING YOU MY CHILD ?' 'WELL', SAID THE LITTLE NUN, AND EXPLAINED THE FEARS SHE HAD ABOUT THESE 'BUMPS' ON HER CHEST 'HOW OLD ARE YOU', SAID THE MOTHER SUPERIOR. 'ELEVEN GOING ON TWELVE', SAID THE NOVICE. 'WELL THEN',WAS THE KIND REPLY,'AT ABOUT YOUR AGE ALL GIRLS START TO GET THEM. EVENTUALLY THEY DEVELOP INTO THE SAME AS I HAVE MORE OR LESS, SO TO SPEAK'.'SO WORRY NOT AND GO IN PEACE'. MUCH RELIEVED THE LITTLE NUN RETURNED TO HER CELL. AND SO UNTIL ABOUT FOURTEEN MONTHS LATER SHE WAS IN HER BATH AND NOTICED LITTLE DARK HAIRS THAT ITCHED WERE GROWING AROUND HER PUSSY. WORRIED AGAIN THAT THIS WAS PUNISHMENT FOR SOME TERRIBLE SIN SHE RETURNED TO THE MOTHER SUPERIORS OFFICE AND KNOCKED AGAIN. 'COME IN', REPLIED A DEEP VOICE FROM INSIDE AND SHE HESITANTLY WENT INSIDE. THE FATHER ABBOT FROM ACROSS THE ROAD STOOD THERE. 'YES, MY CHILD ?',ASKED THE KINDLY OLD MAN. AND THE LITTLE GIRL EXPLAINED ABOUT HER PUSSY, BEING INNOCENT AND THEREFORE UNAFRAID TO TALK TO THE ABBOT. 'HOW OLD ARE YOU ?', ASKED THE GENTLE OLD MONK, AND SHE REPLIED, 'THIRTEEN'. 'WELL', SAID THE ABBOT, 'AT ABOUT YOUR AGE ALL PEOPLE START TO GROW HAIR ROUND THERE'.'IT'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT'. 'HOW DO I KNOW THAT'S TRUE ?', SHE ASKED.'THE MOTHER SUPERIOR SHOWED ME HER BUST WHEN I EXPLAINED THAT MY BREASTS WERE GROWING, BUT I CANNOT SEE YOUR HAIR AS IT DOES NOT SHOW UNDER CLOTHES......! 'LET ME REASSURE YOU', HE SAID AND OPENED HIS HABIT TO DO JUST THAT...! THE LITTLE GIRLS EYES GREW BIGGER AND BIGGER AS SHE STARED AT HIS GREAT BIG SCHLUNG HANGING THERE, AND AT LAST SHE SAID.. 'GOOD LORD, AND WHEN DO I GET ONE OF THOSE BETWEEN MY LEGS' HE REPLIED 'JUST AS SOON AS I SHUT THAT FUCKING DOOR' 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 El Mundo's Favorite Pick-Up Lines _________________________________ 1. That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed. 2. Do you want to see something swell? 3. Drop 'em! 4. What do you like for breakfast? 5. Excuse me. Do you want to fuck or should I apologize? 6. Say, did we go to different schools together? 7. Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up? 8. Wear a button that says: "Smile is you want to sleep with me." 9. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money? 10. Would you like to dance or should I go fuck myself again? 11. I'm not trying to pressure you, I don't want to have sex without mutual consent; and bye the way, you have my consent. 12. I sure you didn't mean to turn me on with your big ass, but it's too late now. 13. Hey babe...can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden hose? 14. Hey babe...can you suck start a Harley? 15. Motion with your finger for a girl to come over. When she gets there say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough you would cum." 16. Hey babe, how about a pizza and a fuck? HEY! What's wrong, don't you like pizza? 17. A women asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" You: "Do you have the energy?" 18. Bond. James Bond. 19. Hi I'm take a survey, do you spit or swallow? 20. You look like the type of girl that has heard ever line in the book. So what's one more? 21. Your place or mine? 22. Nice shoes, wanna fuck? 23. Your face or MINE? 24. If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me? 25. When she asks, for a match. How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs? 26. Nice tits. Mind if I feel them? 27. I think I'm falling in love with you. Now do you want to fuck. 28. Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist. 29. Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I guess how much your weight. 30. I wanna floss with your pubic hair. 31. Excuse me, have I fucked you yet? 32. I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I have more of something else. 33. I would kill or die to make love to you. 34. Sex is a killer...want to die happy? 35. HI! Can I buy you a car? 36. NOW, BITCH! 37. Fancy a fuck? 38. My face is leaving in 10 minutes. Be on it. 39. Should I call you in the morning or nug you? 40. I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment? 41. I hope the word of the day is legs, because I would sure like to spread the word. 42. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen? 43. I'm Irish. Do you have any Irish in you? Would you like some? 44. Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes. 45. Look at the tag in her shirt and say: "I want to see if you were really made in heaven." 46. I know who you are now , you sure look alot different with your clothes on? 47. I haven't seen you in while, you sure look alot different without my dick in your mouth. 48. Go up to a girl and start sniffing her body from head to toe and then look at her and say, "Gee I didn't know that they've started using vinegar in in douces again." 49. What's that on your face? Oh, must just be beauty. Here, let me get it off. Hey, it's not coming off! 50. Was your dad king for a day? He must have been to make a princess like you. 51. How was heaven when you left it? 52. Are you tired? You should be because you've been running through my mind all night. 53. I wish I had the power to change the alphabet, so I could put U and I together. 54. Do you have a quarter? My mom told me to call her when I found the girl of my dreams. 55. What's that in your eye? Must just be a twinkle. 56. The party's in your mouth, can I cum? 57. Were you arrested earlier? It's gotta be illegal to look thaty good. 58. Do you have a fever? You look pretty hot from here. 59. Hey, I found some money! 60. I'm gonna rape you! Just kidding, what's your name? 61. You're a gold digger huh? Well, I'm a clam digger. Wanna see my shovel? 62. Come on, you can't get pregnant again. 63. I like your legs so much, I am going to name them. This one is Christmas and this one is New Years. Can I see you inbetween the holidays. 64. "Hi. My name's ???. You'll be screaming that later." 65. "Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?" 66. "What winks and fucks like a tiger?" (while winking.) 67. "That shirt is really becoming of you. Of course, if I were on you, I'd be coming, too." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 You're probably a redneck if... 1. More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general. 2. Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed. 3. You've ever used lard in bed. 4. Your home has more miles on it than your car. 5. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve. 6. There is a stuffed pposum anywhere in your house. 7. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment. 8. Fewer than half of your cars run. 9. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass. 10. The primary color of your car is "bondo". 11. You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures. 12. You stand under the misteletoe at christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by. 13. Your family tree doesn't fork. 14. Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan. 15. Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event. 17. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill. 18. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade. 19. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights. 20. Your brother-in-law is your uncle. 21. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture. 22. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup. 23. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones. 24. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading. 25. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland. 26. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month. 27. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute". 28. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board. 29. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding. 30. Your favorite christmas present, was a painting on black velvet. 31. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader. 32. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?" 33. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups. 34. You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug. 35. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!) 36. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior. 37. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack. 38. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy. 39. You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time. 40. You've been too drunk to fish. 41. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures. 42. You've ever used a weedeater indoors. 43. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run). 44. You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right' 45. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge. 46. Your riches relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels and skirt. 47. You've ever financed a tattoo. 48. Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack. 49. You go to a tupperware party for a haircut. 50. You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass. 51. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 52. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle. 53. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare. 54. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road". 55. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains. 56. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps. 57. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income. 58. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle. 59. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people". 60. You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car. 61. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging. 62. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car. 63. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occassions. 64. You have to scratch your sisters name out of the message: "for a good time call . .", because you feel guilty about putting it there... 65. Redman sends you a Christmas card. 66. You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work. 67. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade. 68. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive. 69. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does. 70. You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind". 71. You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis. 72. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison. 73. You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. 74. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. 75. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut. 76. After making love you ask your date to roll down the window. 77. The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair. 78. You have flowers planted in a bathromm appliance in your front yard. 79. Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it." 80. Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator. 81. You mow your lawn and find a car. 82. If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight. 83. You go christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift. 84. You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again. 85. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food. 86. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath. 87. You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest". 88. You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year. 89. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear. 90. There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck. 91. You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood". 92. You've ever made change in the offering plate. 93. If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year," 94. You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve... 95. You own at least 20 baseball hats. 96. You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat. 97. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head. 98. When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank! 99. Your biggest ambition in live is to "git thet big'ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn..." 100. Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them. 101. When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Beurau of Alcohol Tobbaco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can loose them or not. 102. you have 5 cars that are immobile and house that is! 103. You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end" 104. "Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking brake set?" is what you hear right before you and your wife/girl make love 105. Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in. 106. You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...) 107. You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertable top. 108. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds. 109. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed. 110. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold. 111. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers. 112. You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars. 113. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace. 114. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car. 116. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard. 117. The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places' 118. It's Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it. 119. You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors. 120. You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor. 121. You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!" 122. Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray. 123. The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men. 124. Yer mom calls ya over t'help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house 125. The ASPCA raids yer kitchen 126. Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so ya can get grandma a new plug of tobacco 127. Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle 128. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it. 129. Ya celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!) 130. You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado, 131. You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something! 132. When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans. 133. Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of the wheels off his doublewide (in memory of Chris "No House" Skowronski)... 134. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town. 135. You know you're a redneck if you wake up with both a black eye and a hickey. 136. Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck. 137. "Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar. 138. Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock. 139. You dated your daddy's current wife in high school. 140. You're moved to tears everytime you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You". 141. Dolly Parton reminds you of the `Grand Tetons'. (of course this is a very sophisticated sophisticated redneck joke... if you laughed... you must be a redneck, only they will get this one.) 142. You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item. 143. Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story) 145. The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (you insurance man is one too if he pays you for it). 146. You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson. 147. You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education. 148. You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose! 149. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub. 150. Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events. 151. You've ever parked a Camero in a tree. 152. Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair. 153. Your dad is also your favorite uncle. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 SEMINARS FOR MEN: Once again, the female staff will be offering courses to men of all marital status. Please note, the names of some of the courses have been changed. Attendance in at least 10 of the following courses is mandatory. 1. Combatting Stupidity 2. You Can Do Housework, Too 3. PMS - Learning When to Keep Your Mouth Shut 4. How to Fill an Ice Tray 5. We do not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas. GIVE US MONEY. 6. Understanding the Female Response to your Coming in Drunk at 3am 7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly called "Don't Wash my Silks") 8. Parenting - No, it Doesn't End with Conception. 9. How not to Act like an Ass, When you are Obviously Wrong 10. Get a Life - Learn to Cook. 11. Spelling - Even you can get it right 12. You - The Weaker Sex 13. Reasons to give Flowers 14. How to stay awake after sex 15. Why it is Unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the Washroom 16. Garbage - Getting it to the Cerb. 17. #101 - You Can Fall Asleep Without It - If You Really Try #102 - The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake, Take a Shower 18. I'll Wear it if I Damn Well Please 19. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly called "No, It's Not A Bidet") 20. Give me a Break - Why we know your excuses are B.S. 21. The Weekend and Sports are not Synonymous 22. How to Go Shopping with your Mate without Getting Lost 23. The Remote Control - Overcoming your Dependency 24. Romanticism - Other Ideas Besides Sex 25. Helpful Posture Hints for Couch Potatoes 26. Changing your Underwear - It Really Works 27. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children 28. You Too Can Be a Designated Driver 29. Male Bonding - Leaving your Friends at Home 30. Fluffing the Blankets after Releasing Gas is NOT Necessary 31. The Attainable Goal - Omitting ]@#$&$ From Your Vocabulary 32. Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially When Naked SEMINARS FOR WOMEN: Once again, the male staff will be offering courses to women of all marital status. Please note, homework is mandatory. Attendance in at least 10 of the following courses is not mandatory. 1. Combatting the Impulse to Nag 2. You Can Change the Oil Too 3. PMS - Learning to Sleep Over at Mother's 4. How to Fill a Beer Mug 5. We do not want Stationary for Christmas - PUT ON SLEAZY UNDERTHINGS 6. Understanding the Female Cause of Male Drunkenness 7. How to Do All Your Laundry in One Load and Have More Time to Watch Football 8. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children so You Could Have Someone Other Than Him to Boss Around 9. How Not to Sob Like a Sponge When Your Husband is Right 10. Get a Life - Learn to Kill Spiders Yourself 11. Balancing a Checkbook - Even You Can Get it Right 12. You, the Whining Sex 13. Reasons to Give _ _ _ _ _ _ _ S 14. How to Stay Awake During Sex 15. Why it is Unacceptable to Talk About Placentas During Breakfast 16. Shopping - Doing it in Less Than 16 Hours 17. #101 You Can Use a Bed for More Than Just Sleep #102 It's OK to Do It Outside of the Bedroom 18. If You Want to Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother 19. How to Close the Garage Door 20. If You Don't Want an Excuse, Don't Demand an Explanation 21. Payday and Shopping Are Not Synonymous 22. How to Go Fishing With Your Mate and Not Catch Pneumonia 23. Living Without Power Windows - How to Turn a Crank 24. Romanticism - The Whole Point of Caviar, Candles, and Conversation 25. How to Stay Alive While Your Husband is Relaxing 26. Putting On Something Sexy - Why it Won't Ruin Your Brain 27. How to Act Younger Than Your Mother 28. You Too Can Carry a Backpack 29. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not the Women Who Complain About You the Most 30. Apologizing for Farting When You're On the Toilet is NOT Necessary 31. The Attainable Goal - Catching a Ball Before It Stops Moving 32. Honest, My Eyes Are Closed Because of the Passion I Feel 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Sexist Jokes ============ How many men does it take to do the washing ? None - its a woman's job. Why did God invent lesbians ? So feminists wouldn't breed. How many orgasms does a woman have during a good fuck ? Who cares ? Jim: "Joe, I hear you just got married again." Joe: "Yes, for the fourth time." Jim: "What happened to your first three wives?" Joe: "They all died, Jim." Jim: "How did that happen?" Joe: "My first wife ate poison mushrooms." Jim: "How terrible! And your second?" Joe: "She ate poison mushrooms." Jim: "And your third ate poison mushrooms too?" Joe: "Oh, no. She died of a broken neck." Jim: "I see, an accident." Joe: "Not exactly. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms." A giant truck stops to pick up a hitch-hikeress. The driver opens the door and says: -"Come on in. I'm not like the other ones, that only let the good-looking Girls have a ride." -"I'd like my wife to be beautiful, well-behaving, smart and rich.", the bachelor said. -"Oh, well, then you have to get married four times." What is a macho man ? After getting a blow job, he asks the woman, 'Was it as good for you, as it was for me ?' What is a more macho man ? At the critical moment, he can't get it up, he asks the woman, 'Does this happen to you often ?' Why do women have periods ? Because they deserve them. A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?" his mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life." The boys thinks about this, and then says, "Well then why is the boy wearing black..." What do you call a woman with 90% of her intelligence gone ? divorced What do you call a woman without an asshole ? Divorced. A women described that one night, while she and her husband were making love, she suddenly noticed something sticking in his ear. When she asked him what it was he replied 'Be quiet, woman! I'm listening to the cricket.' A job negotiator and a feminist were in dispute.... The feminist was argueing over the different pay scales that her women were receiving... FEM: Ok why are women payed less than men for doing the same job that a man does. NEG: Well It says in the bible that women are worth less than men. FEM: Where does it say that I don't think so. NEG Well you do agree that woman was made from a rib correct? FEM: Yea So? NEG: Well there you have it. A rib is a cheaper cut of meat! So, God made Adam. Adam was walking around one day and realized that he was lonely, so he asked God for a companion. God said,"I can make a woman for you. She will cook and clean and do everything you ask her to. She will wait on you hand and foot. She will be so beautiful that you won't be able to take your eyes off of her. It's gonna cost you an arm and a leg, though." Adam said,"Well, what can I get for a rib?" Q: Why did the woman cross the road? A: Who cares? What the HELL was she doing out of the kitchen?!! Three women were granted one wish each, The first wished to be 10 times as smart, she became 10 time as smart. The second wished to be 1000 times as smart, she became 1000 times as smart. The third wished to be 1000000000 times as smart, guess what? "She became a MAN"! A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears that they will have to spend the night in a motel. The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have a minor problem. PRIEST: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed. SISTER: I think that would be okay. They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later... SISTER: Father, I'm terribly cold. PRIEST: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet. Ten minutes later... SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold. PRIEST: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket. Ten minutes later... SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night. PRIEST: You're probably right...........Get up and get your own damn blanket. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 It's time to tell the truth about Smurfs. You see, Smurfs are a lot like other folks; they have dreams and ambitions, deep, thoughtful conversations with each other, and good and bad times. "But," people ask, "do Smurfs have..... you know,...... *sex*?" The answer is an emphatic and resounding YES! And why shouldn't they? They're people, too. What *most* people don't know is why Smurfs are blue. Well, the reason is because Smurfs only have sex once a year. Face it: if you had sex only once a year, you'd be blue, too. Once a year, in the Smurf village, flags and banners fly happily in the breeze, proclaiming that the day of the annual Smuckfest has arrived. Birds sing and the Sun comes out to watch, despite the weatherSmurf's direst predictions. I guess good ol' Mr. Sun is a voyeur. In the middle of town, Papa Smurf gives a brief speech explaining the origin of the Smuckfest; how Dr. C. Everett Koop came to the village and warned all the Smurfs about AIDS. Papa Smurf knew that no one made condoms small enough for a Smurf (even though everyone knows that all male Smurfs are uniformly well-hung, for their size), so he decreed that all Smurfs would only smuck one day a year. "Smucking one day a year will help us identify any diseases we may transmit to one another, and keep them from spreading to the animals in the forest," declaimed Papa Smurf. "Besides, it will give Smurfette a chance to rest." Yes! Smurfette must rest. For, as everyone knows, Smurfette is the only female Smurf in the village, and after a full day of having vigorous, rabid sex with two hundred cunt-crazed little blue men, she needs a break. So, on the appointed day, Papa Smurf bids everyone throw their inhibitions to the wind and immerse themselves in debauchery. And, as is his privilege, Papa Smurf throws out the first throe. At his signal, Smurfette unties the skintight blue band she must use to suppress her natural bustiness, and her astounding tits spring forth into the daylight. The Sun gleams lecherously on the smooth, blue flesh, nipples crinkling in the light of day from her soon-to-be-unbridled lust. Then Smurfette shimmies out of her skirt and stands before the crowd, naked as the day she was born, save the spike-heeled white boots she has donned just for the occasion. Her long, blonde hair cascades down her back and lasciviously outlines her buttocks, clinging like a dirty old man's gaze to each curve and dimple. Her cunt winks lewdly from behind the golden shield of pubic glory, already glistening in mad anticipation of each and every raging rod it would receive that day. And receive them gladly it would, for hers is the indefatigable furburger, and she hungered for the sauce blended in the heat of passion. Smurfette turns to Papa Smurf and lifts her stupendous breasts with their turgid nipples to his lips. He takes each one, in turn, into his mouth, where his tongue dances the Fabulous Fandango around the areolae, as Smurfette moans like a cat in heat. Then, when poor Smurfette can take no more, Papa Smurf drops to his bony little knees and sprinkles his magic deSmurfilating dust on Smurfette's engorged cunt lips. Presto! The lovely blonde braiding material falls from her, leaving her shaved smooth as a hard-boiled egg. "Oh, Papa Smurf!" she cries. "Encore!! Encore!!", as she writhes in anticipation of the Fabulous Furless Fandango danced 'round her pulsating pussy. Papa Smurf does not disappoint the damsel in distress; he slides his hands under her tight little blue ass and parts her moistness with his thumbs. As the hot, funky juices begin to run down his arms, he plunges tongue-first and tonsil-deep into her wiggling womanhood. Smurfette gasps as the talented tongue begins to do its magic, and her cunt clutches at it like a baby bird after a worm. Cradling his head to her crotch, Smurfette's hips begin to slowly grind and twitch, for Papa Smurf's tongue has unerringly found her S-spot, and Smurfette begins the slow, hot, agonizing rise to ecstasy. "Oh, make me smurf, baby, make me smurf!", she pants, each stroke of his tongue causing her to throb and clutch. As Smurfette's moans and cries rise in pitch higher and higher, the crowd gazes in amazement at the mighty mound of meat struggling to escape from Papa Smurf's pants. This, then, is the legendary Trouser Titan, bulging forth in a determined attempt to split the barrier. Just when Smurfette is certain that she will die from sheer sensory overload, Papa Smurf flings off his Levis and frees the Magnificent Heat-Seeking Moisture Missle from its cradle. Maddened with blind lust, Smurfette hurls Papa Smurf to the platform and leaps shrieking into the air, landing unerringly on his Titanic Totem. Suddenly filled, Smurfette's cunt explodes in a monster orgasm, the force of which propels her screaming into the air again and again, each time plummeting her onto the Potent Purple Pecker and triggering another climax. Before Smurfette can achieve orbit, Papa Smurf grab her legs and pulls her to the ground. Swiftly, he stands, pulling her to her knees. Gasping in awe, Smurfette gets a head-on view of his hard-on, glistening in the light like a war staff. The sight of this shining stud is too much for Smurfette, who immediately grabs both of Papa smurf's bulging balls in her hands and pulls him to her waiting mouth. With preternatural skill and primeval hunger, Smurfette devours the monster cock, licking and sucking like a starving child with an ice cream cone. His ass knotting like a sailor's anchor rope, Papa Smurf pounds into Smurfette's mouth with furious strokes. As he reaches his blazing climax, he forces Smurfette to take all thirteen and 7/8ths inches of blue tube steak and fires round after pulsing round of blue goo down her ravenous throat. "Hurray!!", shouts the crowd. "Now it's OUR turn!!" Suddenly the town square erupts with scenes of azure carnality, as 200 tiny blue asses appear in the sunlight. 200 raging cocks swarm toward Smurfette's waiting and ever-willing cunt, ready to make her scream for mercy as they scream for more. 400 bouncing balls follow each other toward the nearest available orifice, making Smurfette wish there were more of her. Those lucky enough to find access to Smurfette's fabulous form begin their crazed humping, as others find their schlongs being stroked as fast as she can grab. Those whose time will come later are coming now, as their friends clutch lustily at their forbidden fruits, flinging frothy fuck-foam far and wide. Up the ass! Down the throat! Backhand, forehand, underhand, in the armpit or behind the knee, the Smurfs erupt in a display of orgasmic prowess to shame the most devoted student of the Kama Sutra. Soon the street become hazardous to navigate (and navigate one must), as the square gets deeper and deeper in the collective come. Hour after hour, the orgy rampages on. Gradually, as night falls, the screams of orgasmic ecstasy turn to the moans and sighs of deep contentment, with the occasional whimper from an over-enthusiastic sodomite. Soon all is quiet, as Smurf helps Smurf back to Home and Preparation H. Tubes of Chap-Stick are quickly distributed to soothe aching lips, and aloe gel is applied (as are lips, if it is too stimulating) to the citizen's members to ease the burning. As the exhausted (and completely sated) Smurfs lie in sexual stupor, gentle rains come (not them, too!) to wash away all traces of the fleshfest that was. And you wondered why Smurfs are always in such a good mood...... 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 "Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript. "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?" "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology." "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?" "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside there root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate." "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter there processing systems to increase their storage capacity?" "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of there processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for there normal operational functions." "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea." "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'." "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for there increase." "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed." "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards. "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ." "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !" "Data, what does your scanners show?" "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity." "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality." "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?" "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'. "How much time will that buy us ?" "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours." "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector." "Identify." "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo" "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS" "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects." "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft" "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!" "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits" "Lawyers !!" "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening." "True, but apparently some must have survived." "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers." "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape' it often proves fatal." "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !" "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 DOWN TO THE WIRE InfoWorld (Oct 17) I'm wondering if Windows 95 will live long and phosphor "Sulu, set path to the floppy drive. Scotty, fit the hard drive with the Microsoft Windows 95 engine. Chekov, prepare the install disks, we're about to begin a sequel." "Captain, Windows 95 doesn't do SQL." "Right. Then let's see how she performs at task speed. Scotty?" "Captain, are you sur-r-re you want to r-r-replace the system? If ye put Windows code into a true 32-bit multitasking environment, we'll risk a matter-antimatter explosion!" "Scotty, that's an order." "Aye, Captain, but she's just not ready. She needs a proper beta shakedown." "That's what we're doing, Scotty. Chekov, how are those install disks coming?" "We're on disk 5, sir." "Good. Spock?" "Fascinating, Captain. It appears as if Windows 95 is scanning our hardware and mutating to adapt." "Then, Spock, can you tell me why it is saying it can't use the Microsoft sound card, which works fine as configured under Windows 3.1?" "Unknown, Captain." "Will it use a ProAudio Spectrum?" "Unknown, Captain." "How about a Sound Blaster?" "Unknown, Captain." "What good are you, anyway?" "Box-office attraction, Captain." "Bones?" "I'm a doctor, not a hardware technician." "Spock, cancel the Microsoft sound card and install the ProAudio Spectrum. Chekov, finish the software installation. Sulu, reboot the system when it's ready and prepare to go to task speed on my signal." "Aye, aye, Captain." "Chekov?" "We've just entered the desktop zone, Captain." "Captain, she canna take it much more. Another 15 sectors and the engines'll burn up fer sur-r-re." "Scotty, we haven't even started yet." "Sorry, Captain, I just haven't had a line in so long..." "Sulu, go to task 1. Bring up the README.TXT in the Notepad." "Aye, Captain." "Wait a minute. Cancel that order. Plot a shortcut to the README.TXT in the desktop zone. We'll be navigating back there frequently." "Yes, sir." "Spock?" "It seems as if we have a hardware conflict, sir. The ProAudio Spectrum 16 isn't responding, either in sound or SCSI." "Disable the card, Spock." "I'm sorry, sir. It won't disable the SCSI without stopping the sound card first. And it won't disable the sound card without disabling the SCSI first." "Captain, an enemy ship is approaching at 12 o'clock." "[Looks at watch.] Good, that gives us a little more time to debug these systems." "No, sir. The ship is already upon us." "Uhura?" "Scanning all frequencies, sir. I'm trying to get an image, sir, but the system is awfully slow." "Scotty, what's happening down there?" "The engine is running smoothly, Captain, but the 16-bit GDI can only process one console request at a time." "See what you can do, Scotty. Spock?" "It appears to be an IBM ship, Captain. Equipped with a Warp drive." [Impressive sound of Warp engine coming up to speed, oohs and ahhs as crew gazes in the direction of enemy ship.] "Put it on visual, Chekov." "Aye, aye, sir." [Louder oohs and ahhs.] "Spock, the enemy ship is approaching fast. We need audio!" "I'm sorry, Captain. The registry is not responding." "Bones?" "I'm a doctor, not a beta tester!" "Quick, Sulu, bring up the README.TXT file." "Captain -- it's gone. Some other task in the system must have moved or changed it." "Long-range scan, Chekov." "I found it, Captain. Wait a minute. This README.TXT file is for the game Lands of Lore, with Patrick Stewart doing the voice of King Richard." "Patrick Stewart?" "You've never heard of Patrick Stewart?" "No." "Must be a generation gap." "Captain, she canna take it much more. Another 15 sectors and the engines'll burn up fer sur-r-rre." "[Sigh.] Maintain power, Mr. Scott. Quick, Sulu, put us on red alert." "Captain, I can't figure out how to change the color of the desktop background!" "Bones?" "I'm a doctor, not a quick reference!" "Never mind. Find the screen saver. Spock, prepare to fire HP LaserJet." "Captain, I've chosen the screen saver that says `Chicago is COOL' but now I'm getting no response at the helm." [Boom as the enemy hits ship with photon torpedo, then large zapping sound, then either ship moves back and forth, or people sway left and right, depending on perspective. Sparks fly from console, fires glare, indicating what would normally be ir-r-reparable damage, yet will be fixed in just minutes.] "Sulu, take evasive action; otherwise it's certain doom!" "Aye, aye, Captain. It certainly is Doom and I don't mind saying I'm getting awfully sick of this demo. Doom is one of the most stable games on the market and it runs under OS/2 with no problems whatsoever." "We've got...to get...to the kernel. Uhura...notify...the...kernel at Star Fleet." "Captain, I think either communications is breaking up, or you're dropping into melodramatic Shakespearean stammer mode again." "Spock?" "Fascinating, Captain. It would seem that the needs of the few have outweighed the needs of the many." "Scotty, get us out of here!" "Sorry, Captain, the engine is no longer responding! We'll have to do a hard boot to r-r-recover." "Bones?" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ \ "The (COMPLETE) Tit File" - a guide of 'breast talk' \ \ RP/PB magazine, March 1986, CREDIT(s): Parker Bennett & Tom Mannis \ \ \ \ Dutifully typed by Henry Spire, a CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE file . . . \ \ (be informed!) /SPIRE,Project: StormWatch/2.17.86/CIA-SW/2an00.12 \ \ \ \ "No condom, no IUD, we want Chastity" - LAW ("Ladies against Women") \ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Angel Cakes Double-Whammies Loaves PT Boats Apples Dueling Banjos Loblollies Pumpkins Balboas Dugs Love Melons Rangoons Balloons Dumplings Love Muffins Rib Balloons Bangers Dunes Lulus Rib Cushions Bangles Ear Muffs Macaroons Rivets Bassoons Eclairs Mambos Roundies Baubles Eggplants Mammaries Sandbags Bazongas Enchiladas Mammies Satellites Bazookas Flapjacks Mams Scones Bazooms Flappers Mangos Scoops Beacons Flesh Bulbs Marangos Set Beanbags Flesh Melons Maraschinos Shakers Bebops Floaters Marimbas Shebas Betty Boops Floats Mau Maus Shimmies Big Boppers Fog Lights Mausers Silos Bikini Stuffers Fried Eggs Meatballs Skin Sacks Billibongs Fun Bags Meat Loaves Skooners Blinkers Gagas Melons Smoothies Bombers Garbos Milk Cans Snuggle Pups Bombshells Gazingas Milk Fountains Spark Plugs Bonbons Gazongas Milk Shakes Specials Bongos Glands Molehills Spheres Bonkers Globelets Mommas Spongecakes Boobers Globes Mondos Spuds Boobies Gob Stoppers Montezumas Stacks Boobs Gongas Moo Moos Stuffing Boops Goombas Mother Lodes Sugarplums Bops Grapefruits Mounds Sweater Meat Bosom Grillwork Mountain Peaks Sweater Puffs Boulders Guavas Muchachas Sweet Rolls Bouncers Gum Drops Muffins Tahitis Bra Buddies Handsets Mulligans Tamales Bra Stuffers Hand Warmers Mushmelons Tartugas Bronskis Headers Nancies Tatas Bubbas Headlamps Nectarines Tattlers Bubbies Headlights Niblets Teats Buds Headphones Nibs Tetons Bulbs Headsets Nippeloons Thangs Bulges Hefties Nippelos Thingamajigs Bullets Heifers Nippers Tidbits Bumpers Hemispheres Nippies Titbits Bumps Hills Nips Tits Bust Hindenburgs Nodes Titskis Busters Honeydews Nodules Titters Busties Honkers Noogies Titties Butterballs Hood Ornaments Nose Cones Tomatoes Buttons Hoohas Oompas Tooters Caboodles Hooters Orbs Torpedoes Cannon Balls Hot Cakes Ottomans Tortillas Cantaloups Hottentots Padding Totos Carumbas Howitzers Pagodas Twangers Casabas Hubcaps Pair Tweakers Cha-Chas Huffies Palookas Tweeters Charlies Humdingers Papayas Twin Peaks Chihuahuas Hush Puppies Parabolas Twofers Chimichongas ICBM's Pastries Tympanies Chiquitas Jawbreakers Paw Patties U-Boats Coconuts Jemimas Peaches Umlauts Congas Jibs Peakers Wahwahs Corkers Jobbers Peaks Waldos Creamers Jugs Pears Warheads Cream Pies Jukes Pects Water-Melons Cuhuangas Jumbos Peepers Whoppers Cupcakes Kabukis Pillows Wind-Jammers Curves Kalamazoos Pips Wobblers Dingers Kazongas Plums WOngas Dinghies Kazoos Pointer-Sisters Woofers Dingos Knobbers Points Yabbos Dirigibles Knockers Pokers Yams Domes Kongas Polygons Yayas Doodads Kumquats Pompons Zeppelins Doozers Lactoids Pontoons Zingers Doozies Lip Fodder Potatoes 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 If you get TOO bored, you can.... Sharpen your teeth Play Houdini with one of your siblings Braid your dog's hair Clean and polish your belly button Water your dog...see if he grows Wash a tree Knight yourself Name your child Edsel Scare Stephen King Give your cat a mohawk Purr Mow your carpet Play Pat Boone records backwards Vacuum your lawn Whine Rake your carpet Re-elect Richard Nixon Critique "Three's Company" Listen to a painting Play with matches Buff your catRace ferrets Paint your house...Day-Glo Orange Have a formal dinner at White Castle Read Homer in the original Greek Change your mind Learn Greek Watch the sun...see if it moves Stand on your head Stand on someone else's head Build a pyramid Spit shine your Nikes See how long you can stay awake Paint your teeth See how long you can sleep Wear a salad Speak with a forked tongue Get your dog braces Shave a shrub Have a proton fight Watch a car rust Quiver Rotate your carpet Learn to type...with your toes Set up your Christmas tree...in April Buy the Brooklyn Bridge Mail it to a friend Be someone special Go back to square one Factor your social security number Take the fifth Memorize a series of random numbers Read the 1962 Des Moines white pages Join the Foreign Legion Learn Sanskrit Exist...existentially, of course Print counterfeit Confederate money Kick a cabbage Take a picture Sandpaper a mushroom Play solitaire...for cash Abuse your patio furniture Run for Pope Count to a million...fast Make a schematic drawing...of a rock Commit seppuku...with a paper knife Revert Think shallow thoughts Sleep on a bed of nails DON'T toss and turn Boil ice cream Run around in squares Think of quadruple entendres Speak in acronyms Have your pillow X-rayed Drink straight shots...of water Calmly have a nervous breakdown Give your goldfish a perm Fly a brick Play tag...on the Interstate Exorcise a ghost Be blue Be red Paint stripes on a lake Ski Kansas Sleep in freefall Kill a joule Test thin ice...with a pogo stick Apply for a unicorn hunting license Do a good job Crawl Invite the Mansons over for dinner Paint your windows 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 TWINKIE FAILURE TESTING ----------------------- In an effort to clarify questions about the purported durability and unusual physical characteristics of Twinkies, we subjected the Hostess snack logs to the following experiments: EXPOSURE: A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for four days, during which time an inch and a half of rain fell. Many flies were observed crawling across the Twinkie's surface, but contrary to hypothesis, birds -- even pigeons -- avoided this potential source of sustenance. Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie retained its original color and form. When removed, the Twinkie was found to be substantially dehydrated. Cracked open, it was observed to have taken on the consistency of industrial foam insulation; the filling, however, retained its advertised "creaminess." RADIATION: A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which was set for precisely 4 minutes -- the approximate cooking time of bacon. After 20 seconds, the oven began to emit the Twinkie's rich, characteristic aroma of artificial butter. After 1 minute, this aroma began to resemble the acrid smell of burning rubber. The experiment was aborted after 2 minutes, 10 seconds, when thick, foul smoke began billowing from the top of the oven. A second Twinkie was subjected to the same experiment. This Twinkie leaked molten white filling. When cooled, this now epoxylike filling bonded the Twinkie to its plate, defying gravity; it was removed only upon application of a butter knife. EXTREME FORCE: A Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a fall of approximately 120 feet. It landed right side up, then bounced onto its back. The expected "splatter" effect was not observed. Indeed, the only discernible damage to the Twinkie was a narrow fissure on its underside. Otherwise, the Twinkie remained structurally intact. EXTREME COLD: A Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for 24 hours. Upon removal, the Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid, but its physical properties had noticeably "slowed": the filling was found to be the approximate consistency of acrylic paint, while exhibiting the mercurylike property of not adhering to practically any surface. It was noticed that the Twinkie had generously absorbed freezer odors. EXTREME HEAT: A Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes. While the Twinkie smoked and blackened and the filling in one of its "cream holes" boiled, the Twinkie did not catch fire. It did, however, produce the same "burning rubber" aroma noticed during the irradiation experiment. IMMERSION: A Twinkie was dropped into a large beaker filled with tap water. The Twinkie floated momentarily, began to list and sink, and viscous yellow tendrils ran off its lower half, possibly consisting of a water-soluble artificial coloring. After 2 hours, the Twinkie had bloated substantially. Its coloring was now a very pale tan -- in contrast to the yellow, urine-like water that surrounded it. The Twinkie bobbed when touched, and had a gelatinous texture. After 72 hours, the Twinkie was found to have bloated to roughly 200 percent of its original size, the water had turned opaque, and a small, fan-shaped spray of filling had leaked from one of the "cream holes." Unfortunately, efforts to remove the Twinkie for further analysis were abandoned when, under light pressure, the Twinkie disintegrated into an amorphous cloud of debris. A distinctly sour odor was noted. SUMMARY OF RESULTS The Twinkie's survival of a 120-foot drop, along with some of the unusual phenomena associated with the "creamy filling" and artificial coloring, should give pause to those observers who would unequivocally categorize the Twinkie as "food." Further clinical inquiry is required before any definite conclusions can be drawn. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 T h e V O G O N N e w s S e r v i c e VNS TECHNOLOGY WATCH: [Mike Taylor, VNS Correspondent ===================== [Littleton, MA, USA COMPUTERWORLD 1 April CREATORS ADMIT UNIX, C HOAX In an announcement that has stunned the computer industry, Ken Thompson, Dennis Ritchie and Brian Kernighan admitted that the Unix operating system and C programming language created by them is an elaborate April Fools prank kept alive for over 20 years. Speaking at the recent UnixWorld Software Development Forum, Thompson revealed the following: "In 1969, AT&T had just terminated their work with the GE/Honeywell/AT&T Multics project. Brian and I had just started working with an early release of Pascal from Professor Nichlaus Wirth's ETH labs in Switzerland and we were impressed with its elegant simplicity and power. Dennis had just finished reading 'Bored of the Rings', a hilarious National Lampoon parody of the great Tolkien 'Lord of the Rings' trilogy. As a lark, we decided to do parodies of the Multics environment and Pascal. Dennis and I were responsible for the operating environment. We looked at Multics and designed the new system to be as complex and cryptic as possible to maximize casual users' frustration levels, calling it Unix as a parody of Multics, as well as other more risque allusions. Then Dennis and Brian worked on a truly warped version of Pascal, called 'A'. When we found others were actually trying to create real programs with A, we quickly added additional cryptic features and evolved into B, BCPL and finally C. We stopped when we got a clean compile on the following syntax: for(;P("\n"),R-;P("|"))for(e=C;e-;P("_"+(*u++/8)%2))P("| "+(*u/4)%2); To think that modern programmers would try to use a language that allowed such a statement was beyond our comprehension! We actually thought of selling this to the Soviets to set their computer science progress back 20 or more years. Imagine our surprise when AT&T and other US corporations actually began trying to use Unix and C! It has taken them 20 years to develop enough expertise to generate even marginally useful applications using this 1960's technological parody, but we are impressed with the tenacity (if not common sense) of the general Unix and C programmer. In any event, Brian, Dennis and I have been working exclusively in Pascal on the Apple Macintosh for the past few years and feel really guilty about the chaos, confusion and truly bad programming that have resulted from our silly prank so long ago." Major Unix and C vendors and customers, including AT&T, Microsoft, Hewlett-Packard, GTE, NCR, and DEC have refused comment at this time. Borland International, a leading vendor of Pascal and C tools, including the popular Turbo Pascal, Turbo C and Turbo C++, stated they had suspected this for a number of years and would continue to enhance their Pascal products and halt further efforts to develop C. An IBM spokesman broke into uncontrolled laughter and had to postpone a hastily convened news conference concerning the fate of the RS-6000, merely stating 'VM will be available Real Soon Now'. In a cryptic statement, Professor Wirth of the ETH institute and father of the Pascal, Modula 2 and Oberon structured languages, merely stated that P. T. Barnum was correct. In a related late-breaking story, usually reliable sources are stating that a similar confession may be forthcoming from William Gates concerning the MS-DOS and Windows operating environments. And IBM spokesman have begun denying that the Virtual Machine (VM) product is an internal prank gone awry. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other. -Eric Hoffer When people are least sure, they are often most dogmatic. -John Kenneth Galbraith When people are starving, life is no longer meaningless. -John Gardner When people have a job to do, particularly a vital but difficult one, they will invariably put it off until the last possible moment, and most of them will put it off even longer. -Gordon L. Becker When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss is away and you get twice as much done. -Daniel B. Luten When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies, the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a nose bleed, which usually cures them of that. -Mike Harding, The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers. -The Wall Street Journal While the State exists, there is no freedom. When there is freedom, there is no State. -Nikolai Lenin Who says I am not under the special protection of God? -Adolf Hitler With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress. -Ransom K. Ferm Women and cats do as they dammed well please. Men and dogs had best learn to live with it. -Lazarus Long Over the past ten years, for the first time, intelligence had become socially correct for girls. -Tom Wolfe, "Bonfire of the Vanities" Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago, when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot. Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: Hey! Wood heat! The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made, and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed, although their insurance rates went way up. -Dave Barry, Postpetroleum Guzzler 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Black Box The tester has no clue as to what's going on inside. Often used by large corporations for software verification. More often NOT used by large corporations for software verification. White Box The tester knows the internals, but doesn't manipulate them directly. This is handy because the tester can avoid messy problems or functions that are likely to cause trouble. This is also know as "doing a demo" Open Box The tester directly manipulates the internals. This is handy because it allows the tester to test particular bits of code when other, important bits aren't even written yet. This is also knows as "rigging a demo" Toy Box The tester plays with the product. Often in ways in which the product was never intended to be used. The people at Underwriters Laboratories are experts at this. So is your three year old nephew. This kind of testing leads to lengthly disclaimers and warranties. Jack-in-the-Box The tester cranks on the product until something surprising happens. If nothing surprising happens, it gets marketed. If something surprising happens, it gets marketed as "new" and "improved" and the version number goes up by 0.0.1 Shoe Box The tester places the product in a dark closet or cupboard and forgets about it. Eventually, someone discovers that micro organisms have performed some astoundingly intense testing of their own. This provides the key "cleaning instructions" section of the manual. (If the product is software, this testing consists of putting the code under source management control, the software equivalent of a dark closet. The only difference is the no one will ever see it again.) Gray Box Marketing paints the product to gain a larger market share/ improve its ergonomics. This is especially interesting with magnetic media. This is also known as "platinum box" testing. Cardboard Box A rather trivial test of the packaging materials. You can tell if this step was neglected when your floppy disk arrives in a 3' shipping carton, packed in styrofoam peanuts. Strong Box Tests the physical integrity of the product. Often for military contracts, though HP does it just for the heck of it. 3 1/2 floppies were Strong Box tested, 5 1/4 floppies weren't. This test is near-impossible to perform with software, nevertheless, it is required for government contracts. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 The office manager was tearing her hair out. Every computer terminal in the room was lit up, the mainframe was humming comfortably, and everything looked exactly as it had when work had come to an end the night before. The only trouble was that nothing was working. Eight employees sat idly in front of their terminals, waiting for the service truck to arrive. The office manager imagined dollar bills flying out the window as she paced back and forth impatiently. At the sound of the approaching elevator, she stopped pacing. The doors slid open, and a smiling technician strolled into the office. "It's about time!" the office manager cried. "I don't know what's wrong. The mainframe is working, the terminals are on, everything seems to be hooked up properly." "Then what's the trouble?" the technician asked. "They type on the keyboards," the manager said, "and nothing shows up on the screen...nothing prints...n o t h i n g h a p p e ns!" With a little smile, the technician nodded. He walked over to the mainframe, examined the cable connections, and turned to the office manager. "Got it," he said. He turned back to the mainframe, reached toward the back of the console, and tapped the machine with the side of his hand. "It's working!" one of the employees called out. The manager grinned. "Great!" she said. "The man's a genius!" "Glad to be of service," the technician said. "That'll be six hundred dollars." The office manager stared at him in horror. "Six hundred dollars! Are you out of your mind? You were here less than thirty seconds. All you did was tap the machine. I won't pay a cent of the charge until you give me an itemized bill!" The technician pulled an invoice pad from his pocket, wrote something, tore off the page, and handed it to the office manager, saying, "Here's your itemized bill." The office manager read it aloud: Tapping the back of the console....$ 20.00 Knowing where to tap...............$580.00 ------- Total $600.00 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 If you're in San Fransico, and you drop your wallet, How do you pick it up? You don't. You kick it down the street till you get home. A gay man gets in an auto accident and is pronounced basically brain dead in the hospital. One of his co-workers come to see him at the hospital, and as he walks in the room he sees a bunch of the guy's gay friend all sobbing around him. He's taken by the grief and decides to try and make them feel better, so he walks in and says, "Hey look at the bright side, he's still in the same food group at least." They all turn and give him a questioning look. He says, "You know, he was a fruit, but now he's a vegetable." Why is it so hard for women to find a man in San Fran who is kind, considerate, understanding, and not a afraid to show his feelings? Because they already have boyfriends. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 "PLEASE HELP ME!" PANTED THE SHAPELY CAREER GIRL, RUNNING INTO THE POLICE STATION."I'VE JUST BEEN RAPED BY AN IMBECILE" "HOW DO YOU KNOW HE WAS AN IMBECILE" ASKED SERGEANT VAN. "HE MUST HAVE BEEN, I HAD TO SHOW HIM WHAT TO DO" VAN WENT TO THE DOC "PLEASE INCREASE THE SIZE OF MY COCK DOC." "SURE, TAKE THESE TABLETS ONE DAILY AND AFTER TWO WEEKS YOUR SCHLUNG WILL GROW ONE INCH EVERY TIME SOMEBODY SAYS BLESS YOU" TWO WEEKS LATER VAN WALKES DOWN THE STREET AND SNEEZES "BLESS YOU" A YOUNG MAN SAID, AND SURE AS HELL IS SLUNG GREW ONE INCH. A LITTLE LATER A PASSES A ELDERLY COUPLE AND HE SNEEZES AGIAN UPON WHICH THE FRIENDLY LADY SAID "BLESS YOU A THOUSAND TIMES MY SON" THE YANK SAT NEXT TO VAN IN THE PLANE GOING FROM NY TO JHB. FOR ABOUT THREE HOURS HE TRIES TO CONVINCE VAN THAT THE YANKS ARE MUCH MORE DILIGENT THAN THE SOUTH AFRICANS, BUT VAN STAYED UNIMPRESSED. "O.K." THE YANK SAID "I'LL PROVE IT. YOU CAN ASK ME ANY QUESTION YOU CAN THINK OF, IF I CAN NOT ANSWER IT I'LL PAY YOU $500. THEN I'LL ASK YOU A QUESTION AND IF YOU CAN NOT ANSWER IT YOU PAY ME $50. YOU ASK FIRST" "O.K." VAN SAID "WHAT IS GREEN WITH YELLOW DOTS, BLACK STRIPES AND FLOATS IN THE AIR?" AFTER ABOUT 30 MINUTES OF THINKING THE YANK GAVE UP AND SAID "BEATS ME, HERES YOUR $500." AND HE GAVE VAN HIS $500. "NOW TELL ME, WHAT IS IT?" "DO'NT KNOW" VAN REPLIED "HERES YOUR $50" SO THERE WAS VAN, SPEEDING ALONG THE HIGHWAY AT 180KM/H WHEN SUDDENLY A TRAFFIC COP JUMPS OUT FROM BEHIND A BUSH AND SIGNALS HIM OFF THE ROAD. AFTER THE USUAL CEREMONY THE COP STARTS TO SCRIBBLE IN HIS LITTLE BOOK: NAME, ADDRESS ETC. BUT WHEN THE COP ASKS HIS OCCUPATION VAN AN- SWERS, 'CUNT-STRETCHER'. 'CUNT-STRETCHER?', ASKS THE COP, 'THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE HEARD OF IT, WOULD YOU PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT EXACTLY IT IS YOU DO?' 'WELL ,SAYS VAN, FIRST OF ALL I GET MYSELF A CUNT, YOU SEE, AND THEN I START STRETCHING IT. FIRST WITH TWO FINGERS, THEN I USE BOTH HANDS. WHEN ITS BIG ENOUGH I PUT IN ONE FOOT AND BOTH HANDS, THEN I USE BOTH FEET AND BOTH HANDS AND STRETCH UNTIL ITS ABOUT MY SIZE.' 'JISLAAIK, SAYS THE COP, AND WHAT DO YOU DO THEN?' 'THEN, SAYS VAN, THEN I SELL IT TO THE TRAFFIC DEPARTMENT WHO PUTS IT BEHIND A BUSH SOMEWHERE BESIDE A HIGHWAY TO CATCH SPEEDING CARS'. VAN WAS WALKING THROUGH THE BUSH WHEN THE FRIENDLY FAIRY STOPPED HIM AND SAID "ANY TWO WHISHES YOU HAVE WILL BE GRANTED" "I WISH I HAVE A BOTTLE OF BRANDY THAT NEVER GOES EMPTY" HE WHISHED THE NEXT MOMENT HE HAD A BOTTLE OF BRANDY IN HIS HANDS. TO TEST IT HE STARTED DRINKING. HE DRANK AND DRANK AND DRANK BUT THE BOTTLE REMAINED FULL. AFTER ABOUT TWO HOURS OF SOLID DRINKING HE PASSED OUT. TEN MINUTES LATER THE FAIRY WOKE HIM UP AND SAID "I NOT GOING TO WAIT ANY LONGER FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, SO YOU BETTER MAKE IT NOW" HE REPLIED "I WISHS FOR ANOTHER BOTTSHEL LIKESSS STHISSS ONE." VAN KNOCKED ON THE DOOR , SEXY WOMEN OPENS THE DOOR AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE WANTED. ' HAVE YOU GOT A CUNT ?? ' VAN ASKED. ' YOU DISGUSTING BASTARD , GET LOST ' CAME THE REPLY. SO VAN LEFT. NEXT DAY SAME THING HAPPENED. THAT EVENING THE SEXY BIRD TOLD HER HUSBAND ABOUT THIS MAN ASKING HER THAT QUESTION. ' OK ' HER HUBBY SAID , 'I'LL STAY HERE TOMOROW , AND WHEN HE COMES AGAIN I'LL STAND BEHIND THE DOOR , AND YOU ASK HIM WHY HE WANTS TO KNOW. ' GREAT STUFF . NEXT DAY VAN KNOCKED ON THE DOOR AGAIN AND HE ASKED THE LADY THE SAME QUESTION WHILE THE HER HUBBY STOOD BEHIND THE DOOR. 'YES I'VE GOT ONE AND WHAT ABOUT IT? ' SHE REPLIED. VAN REPLIED 'WELL SEEING THAT YOU'VE GOT ONE, TELL YOUR FUCKING HUSBAND TO LEAVE MY WIFES CUNT ALONE ' VAN GOT MARRIED AND THE FIRST EVENING LADY VAN THOUGHT SHE WOULD PREPARE A NICE SUPPER , BUT VAN DID NOT GIVE HER TIME ENOUGH TO DO THAT - DOING YOU KNOW WHAT ALL EVENING. NEXT MORNING HE WASN'T INTERESTED IN BREAKFAST - SCREW SCREW AND MORE SCREWING. AT LUNCH TIME VAN REFUSED FOOD AGIAN IN FAVOUR OF A SCREW. THE EVENING HE ARRIVED FROM WORK - OPENED THE DOOR AND SAW HIS WIFE SLIDING DOWN THE BANISTER. 5,6,7 TIMES. 'HEY WHAT ARE YOU DOING' HE ASKED. 'I'M KEEPING YOUR SUPPER HOT DARLING.' CAME THE REPLY. VAN DER MERWE STAGGERED HOME AFTER AN EVENING OF HEAVY BOOZING, AND DECIDED TO TAKE A SHORTCUT THROUGH A CATTLE KRAAL. AS YOU CAN IMAGINE, HE ARRIVED AT HOME ALMOST COVERED FROM HEAD TO TOES WITH DUNG. HIS WIFE ASKED HIM WHAT HAD HAPPENED, AND OLD VAN EXPLAINED: 'YOU SHEE, I TOOK THISH SHORTCUT THROUGH A KRAAL, AND LOSHT MY CAP. IT WASH QUITE DARK, SHO ONLY ABOUT THE TENTH ONE I TRIED ON FITTED'. VAN DER MERWE IS ON HIS WAY HOME ON HIS BICYCLE, WHEN HE SEES THIS NAKED DOLL STANDING THERE, HITCHING. BECAUSE HE IS A GENTLEMAN, VAN GIVES HER A LIFT. SO THERE THEY GO, THE GIRL SITTING ON THE FRAME IN FRONT OF VAN, AND VAN PEDDALING ALONGN WHISTLING SOFTLY 'THIS LAND IS MY LAND....'. AFTER A WHILE THE DOLL SAID: 'SIR, DID YOU NOTICE THAT I AM NAKED?' WHEREBY VAN REPLIED: 'MADAM, DID YOU NOTICE THAT THIS IS A LADIES' BICYCLE?' VAN DER MERWE IS A GREAT SOUTH AFRICAN WRESTLER, AND HE HAS FINALLY RUN OUT OF OPPONENTS. ONE DAY HIS CHINESE MANAGER 'HYMIE' COMES UP TO HIM AND SAYS, 'VAN MY BOY I'M FIXING YOU UP A FIGHT WITH THE STRONGEST MAN IN THE WORLD, A RUSSIAN CALLED IVAN THE TERRIBLE' THE CHINESE MANAGER GOES OVER TO RUSSIA AND COMES BACK A WEEK LATER AND SAYS 'VAN DER MERWE WITHOUT A DOUBT YOU CAN TAKE THIS BOY, BUT I MUST WARN YOU ABOUT ONE THING...' THIS MAN, HE HAS A GRIP, SUCH A GRIP, CALLED THE PRETZEL GRIP, AND IF HE GETS YOU INTO THIS GRIP WITHOUT A DOUBT HE'S GONNA KILL YOU. DOESN'T MATTER WHAT ELSE YOU DO, DON'T LET HIM GET YOU IN THE TERRIBLE PRETZEL GRIP'. THE NIGHT OF THE FIGHT FINALLY ARRIVES, AND VAN AND IVAN CLIMB INTO THE RING. THE REFEREE ANNOUNCES, 'IN THE RED CORNER, CHAMPION OF THE WORLD, WEIGHING 475 POUNDS, SIX FOOT SEVENTEEN AND A HALF INCHES, SOLID MUSCLE, IVAN THE TERRIBLE', AND THE CROWD CHEERED LIKE HELL. 'AND IN THE BLUE CORNER, VAN DER MERWE OF SOUTH AFRICA, SEVEN FOOT THIRTEEN AND A QUARTER INCHES, WEIGHING 520 POUNDS, AND SOLID FAT'. THE FIGHT STARTS AND THE FIRST FIVE ROUNDS ARE VERY EVEN WITH HYMIE CALLING THROUGH THE ROPES 'DON'T FORGET THE PRETZEL GRIP'. BUT IN THE SIXTH ROUND VAN FORGETS, AND IN FIVE SECONDS FLAT HE'S IN THE PRETZEL GRIP. THE CROWD GO WILD AND ARE SCREAMING FOR BLOOD WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN VAN BREAKS FREE OF THE PRETZEL GRIP, SMASHES IVAN OVER HIS KNEE, BREAKS HIS ARM OFF, THROWS IT TO THE CROWD, KICKS HIS HEAD, RUNS HIM INTO THE ROPES AND HOLDS HIM DOWN TO BECOME THE SUDDEN WINNER OF THE FIGHT. HE IS NOW CHAMPION OF THE WORLD. HIS LITTLE CHINESE MANAGER GOES WILD, 'VAN DER MERWE, VAN DER MERWE THAT WAS THE MOST FANTASTIC FIGHT I HAVE SEEN IN MY LIFE, WONDERFUL, BUT TELL ME HOW DID YOU MANAGE TO GET OUT OF THE PRETZEL GRIP ?' 'WELL', SAYS VAN DER MERWE, 'ALL OF A SUDDEN I'M IN THE PRETZEL GRIP, ALL I CAN MOVE IS ONE EYE AND MY LITTLE FINGER, ALL I CAN SEE IS THE BIGGEST PAIR OF BALLS I HAVE SEEN IN MY LIFE. I KNOCK THEM WITH MY LITTLE FINGER TO GET THEM SWINGING MORE AND MORE UNTIL I CAN GET THEM IN MY MOUTH. THEN I BITE THEM AS HARD AS I CAN. AAAAAND, YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW STRONG A MAN CAN BE WHEN HE BITES HIS OWN BALLS. WHAT'S THE FASTEST THING ON FOUR WHEELS ? VAN DER MERWE ON A SKATEBOARD RIDING THROUGH SOWETO SINGING 'THIS LAND IS MY LAND,........' SPEEDY GONZALES AND VAN ARGUES ABOUT WHO IS THE FASTEST.THEY DECIDED TO HAVE A SCREWING CONTEST. SO THEY GOT HOLD OF TEN WOMEN AND LINED THEN UP, NAKED AND LYING DOWN. IT WAS DECIDED THAT VAN SHOULD START AT THE ONE END AND SPEEDY AT THE OTHER AND THE ONE WHO REACHES THE MIDDLE OF THE ROW FIRST IS THE WINNER. "READY GO" SPEEDY:"THANK YOU MAM,THANK YOU MAM,THANK YOU MAM,THANK YOU MAM, THANK YOU MAM,SORRY VAN!,THANK YOU MAM......" SCHOOLMARM ASKING THE KIDS IN CLASS: 'WHAT OR WHO IS THE NICEST TO YOU?' 1ST LITTLE GIRL SAID: 'MY MOMMY'. 2ND LITTLE BOY SAID: 'AN AEROPLANE'. 3RD LITTLE GIRL SAID: 'A KITTEN'. LITTLE VAN DER MERWE: 'A PREGNANT SIXTEEN YEAR OLD SCHOOLGIRL'. THE TEACHER WAS SURPRISED ALMOST OUT OF HER MIND, AND ASKED HIM WHY. 'NO, YOU SEE MA'M, LAST NIGHT MY SISTER TOLD MY FATHER THAT SHE WAS PREGNANT, SO HE SAID: ''NOW THAT IS NICE, THAT IS FUCKING NICE''.' WHAT IS THE PEAK OF CHAOS ? VAN DER MERWE WITH A BARCLAY-CARD IN A WHOREHOUSE. "DDDOCTER PPLEASE HHHELP MMME GE GE GET RRRID OF THHIS SSSSTUTTERING" VAN ASKED THE DOCTER "SURE VAN," REPLIED THE DOC. "BUT I"LL HAVE TO CUT THREE INCHES OF YOUR PENIS" "NNNN NNNN NO WWWWAY" SAID VAN AND WENT TO ANOTHER DOCTER WHERE THE SAME THING HAPPENED.WHEN HE CAME TO THE TENTH DOCTER HE DECIDED TO ALLOW THE DOC TO DO JUST THAT. "THANK YOU VERY MUCH DOCTER" SAID VAN AFTER THE OPERATION AND LEFT. A WEEK LATER HE WENT BACK TO THE DOC "PLEASE DOCTER, GIVE ME BACK MY THREE INCHES - I"D MUCH RATHER STUTTER " UPOM WHICH THE DOCTER REPLIED "SSSSORRY VVV V V VVVAN TTTTOTTOTOO LLLLATE" VAN WAS HARDUP FOR A WOMEN BUT HE ONLY HAD 5 DOLLARS WITH HIM. HE WENT TO THE LOCAL HOUSE AND AFTER A LOT OF PLEADING THE HOUSE MADAM EVENTUALLY SENT HIM UP TO ROOM 5 ON THE SECOND FLOOR. ARRIVING THERE HE FOUND A CHICKEN. BY THAT TIME HE COULDN'T CONTROL HIMSELF ANY LONGER SO HE GRABBED THE CHICKEN AND DID YOU KNOW WHAT. THE NEXT DAY HE FELT THE URGE AGAIN BUT ONLY HAD TWO DOLLARS WITH HIM. THE MADAM TOLD HIM TO GO TO ROOM 5 ON THE THIRD FLOOR AND WATCH AS HE CANNOT POSSIBLY EXPECT ANYTHING ELSE FOR 2 DOLLARS. SO UP HE WENT UP, ALONG WITH ANOTHER POOR SOD, AND THEY WATCHED A GUY HAVING A GO AT A GOOSE. VAN NEARLY BROKE WITH LAUGHTER AT THE SCENE. THE OTHER GUY TURNED TO HIM AND SAID: "YOU THINK THAT'S FUNNY - YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE GUY WITH THE CHICKEN YESTERDAY. VAN GOES TO THE STATE-PRESIDENTS GARDEN PARTY AND AFTER A FEW MINUTES IN THE HEAT, HE DOES THE UNFORGIVABLE THING, HE TAKES OFF HIS JACKET. THE STATE-PRESIDENT SEES THIS BREACH OF PROTOCOL AND SWIFTLY SENDS A FLUNKY OVER TO VAN TO EXPLAIN THAT HE MUST KEEP HIS JACKET ON. VAN SAYS, 'IT'S O.K., I HAVE PERMISSION TO TAKE MY JACKET OFF'. THE FLUNKY REPORTS BACK TO THE STATE-PRESIDENT WHO SAYS THAT HE WILL HANDLE IT FROM HERE AND WALKS OVER TO VAN. 'VAN', HE SAYS, 'WHO GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO REMOVE YOUR JACKET'? 'THE QUEEN HERSELF', REPLIES VAN. 'IN WHAT CIRCUMSTANCES'? ASKS THE ASTONISHED STATE-PRESIDENT. 'WELL', REPLIED VAN, 'I WAS AT A GARDEN PARTY AT BUCKINGHAM PALACE' 'AND TOOK OF MY JACKET THERE, AND THE QUEEN CAME OVER AND SAID' ''VAN, YOU CAN TAKE OFF YOUR JACKET IN SOUTH-AFRICA,'' ''BUT NOT HERE''!' VAN PULLS HIS BIKE UP ON TO ITS STAND, PULLS OFF HIS TRAFFIC COPS HELMET, PUTS ON HIS DARK GLASSES AND SAUNTERS OVER TO MISS KOEKOEMOORS CAR. 'EXCUSE ME MISS', VAN STARTS, 'BUT YOU HAVE COMMITED AN OFFENCE BY EXCEEDING THE SPEED LIMIT'. 'OH DEAR', THE PRETTY YOUNG THING SIGHED, 'WHAT MUST I DO'? 'FIRST OF ALL', REPLIED VAN, 'ARE YOU THE SAME MISS KOEKOEMOOR WHO EXCEEDED THE SPEED LIMIT 'YESTERDAY'? 'YES', SHE SAID, 'AND ARE YOU ALSO THE SAME MISS KOEKOEMOOR WHO HAS EXCEEDED THE SPEED LIMIT EVERY DAY FOR THE LAST MONTH'? ASKED VAN. 'YES AGAIN', SHE ADMITTED, STARING WITH BIG SAD EYES. AT THIS POINT VAN UNZIPPED HIS FLY AND PUSHED HIS SCHLUNG THROUGH THE WINDOW. 'OH NO', SHE EXCLAIMED, 'NOT ANOTHER BREATHALYZER' VAN DER MERWE, HIS DAD AND HIS GRAND-DAD ARE CRUISING DOWN THE BEN-SCHOEMAN WHEN THEY ARE STOPPED BY TRAFFIC COPS. VAN WINDS DOWN THE WINDOW AND A GROOT TRAFFIC COP LEANS IN AND SAYS, 'SORRY TO INCONVENIENCE YOU FOLKS BUT WE HAD TO STOP YOU AND' 'CONGRATULATE YOU ON THE BEING THE ONLY PEOPLE THIS MORNING' 'WHO HAVE OBSERVED THE RULES OF THE ROAD AND HAVN'T' 'BEEN SPEEDING'. 'WOW', SAYS VAN FROM THE DRIVING SEAT, 'DOES THAT MEAN I CAN HAVE A DRIVING LICENSE?' 'SHUTUP', SAYS VANS DAD AND TURNS TO GRAND-DAD IN THE BACK SEAT SAYING, 'I TOLD YOU WE SHOULDN'T HAVE GOT HIM SO DRUNK'. GRAND-DAD CUPS HIS EAR AND SAYS IN A LOUD VOICE, 'DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD TELL THEM THIS IS A STOLEN CAR?' CUSTOMER: "I WANT TO CUT DOWN A 50 FOOT TREE WHICH IS CRACKED AND ABOUT TO FALL OVER ON MY HOUSE." "I NEED TO CUT IT DOWN FROM THE TOP DOWNWARDS SO THAT THE PIECES WO'NT DO ANY DAMAGE AS THEY FALL." "I DO'NT HAVE A LONG LADDER. WHAT DO YOU RECOMMEND ?" VDM : "YES SIR, I'VE GOT JUST THE THING FOR YOU. THIS ELECTRIC CHAIN SAW IS LIGHT AND EASY TO USE." CUSTOMER: "THAT SOUND GOOD. HOW DO I USE IT UP THERE ?" VDM : "SIR ! WITH AN EXTENSION LEAD OF COURSE !!!" VAN IS ON HOLIDAY IN DURBS, AND HE WALKS OUT OF THE SEA AFTER A LEKKER SWIM AND THE PEOPLE ON THE BEACH LOOK AT HIM AND START LAUGHING LIKE CRAZY. VAN LOOKS SURPRISED, THEN HE LOOKS DOWN AND SEES THAT HIS SCHLUNG HAS SLIPPED OUT OF HIS COSTUME AND IS HANGING DOWN TO HIS KNEES. VAN LOOKS HURT AND SAYS, "IF YOU WERE JUST SWIMMING IN THE COLD WATER YOURS WOULD ALSO BE ALL SHRIVELLED UP AND SMALL ! ". DOCTOR: WELL MRS VAN, WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM?? MRS VAN: DOCTOR I CANT KEEP UP WITH VAN ANY MORE, EVERY TIME I SO MUCH AS TURN MY BACK ON HIM HE JUMPS ME. DR: I WOULDNT WORRY ABOUT IT IF I WERE YOU, ITS JUST A STAGE SOME MEN GO THROUGH. MRS VAN: YES DOCTOR BUT THE OTHER DAY AS I WAS BENDING OVER THE FRIDGE HE GRABBED ME, LIFTED MY DRESS, TORE OFF MY PANTIES AND WAS AT IT BEFORE I SO MUCH AS COULD WIPE MY EYES. DR: REALLY MRS VAN, JUST BEAR WITH HIM FOR AWHILE, HE SHOULD GET OVER IT SOON. MRS VAN: BUT DOCTER, THE FRIDGE WAS IN O.K.BAZAARS!! VAN BOUGHT HIMSELF A MAGIC MIRROR AND HE STOOD IN FRONT OF IT AND SAID "MIRROR,MIRROR ON THE WALL MAKE MY PRICK TOUCH THE FLOOR" HIS LEGS FELL OFF. LATER ON LADY VAN TRIED IT OUT. (SEE VDM009) "MIRROR,MIRROR ON THE WALL GIVE ME THE BIGGEST TITS OF ALL" THE DOOR OPENED AND IN WALKED JIMMY CARTER AND ANDREW YOUNG. VAN COMES HOME EARLY ONE DAY AND FINDS HIS WIFE LYING NAKED ON THE BED AND PANTING RATHER HEAVILY. JUST THEN ONE OF HIS TWELVE KIDS RUNS IN AND SHOUTS "DAD, DAD, THERE'S A MAN STANDING IN THE HALL CUPBOARD" VAN GOES TO SEE AND SURE ENOUGH, THERE'S THE FAMILY DOCTOR, ALSO NAKED, HUDDLED AMONGST THE CLOTHES HANGING THERE. "FINE BLOODY DOCTOR YOU ARE' SHOUTS VAN 'HERE'S MY WIFE HAVING A HEART ATTACK AND YOU'RE HIDING NAKED IN THE CUPBOARD SCARING SHIT OUT OF THE CHILDREN!" A COUPLE OF DAYS AFTER VAN HAD MOVED INTO A NEW HOUSE HE WAS SPEAKING TO HIS NEW NEIGHBOUR. 'VAN',SAID THE NEIGHBOUR,'YOU MUST PUT UP NEW CURTAINS AS A PERSON CAN SEE RIGHT THROUGH THE CURRENT ONES.LAST NIGHT I SAW YOU AND YOUR WIFE IN A FUNNY POSITION ON YOUR BED.' VAN THEN STARTED TO SMILE AND SAID,'THE JOKE IS ON YOU.' 'WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT THE JOKE IS ON ME,BECAUSE PEOPLE CAN SEE INTO YOUR MAIN BEDROOM.',REPLIED THE NEIGHBOUR. VAN SAID 'THE JOKE IS ON YOU BECAUSE I WAS'NT EVEN AT HOME LAST NIGHT. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A $hit load of yo mama jokes! From: hold on to your butts... =-> SO FAT, Yo momma so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up Yo momma so fat her nickname is "DAMN" Yo momma so fat she eats Wheat Thicks. Yo momma so fat were in her right now Yo momma so fat people jog around her for exercise Yo momma so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone Yo momma so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors Yo mamma so fat you haveta roll over twice to get off her... Yo momma so fat she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the new world Yo momma so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy Yo momma so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop! Yo momma so fat when she has sex, she has to give directions! Yo momma so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!" Yo momma so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!" Yo momma so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized Yo momma so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller Yo momma so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets Yo momma so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too Yo momma so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn" Yo momma so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE! Yo momma so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please" Yo momma so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo. Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it. Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued. Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock. Yo momma so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs! Yo momma so fat she's got her own area code! Yo momma so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon! Yo momma so fat God couldn't light Earth till she moved! Yo momma so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her! Yo momma so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in! Yo momma so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago... Yo momma so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg. Yo momma so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction! Yo momma so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky! Yo momma so fat you have to roll her ass in flour and look for the wet spot to fuck her! Yo momma so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the bitches good side! Yo momma so fat she wakes up in sections! Yo momma so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER! Yo momma so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of George Washington's nose. Yo momma so fat she was mistaken for God's bowling ball! Yo momma so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar! Yo momma so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun! Yo momma so fat when she bunje jumps she goes straight to hell! Yo momma so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!! Yo momma so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book! Yo momma so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views! Yo momma so fat she's on both sides of the family! Yo momma so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil! Yo momma so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon! Yo momma so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in! Yo momma so fat that when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips! Yo momma so fat even her clothes have stretch marks! Yo momma so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand! Yo momma so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper! Yo momma so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out! Yo momma so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearing tights! Yo momma so fat she got hit by a parked car! Yo momma so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out! Yo momma so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans! Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued. Yo momma so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat people say "Taxi!" Yo momma so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway! Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller! Yo momma so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave she landed on 12th Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps she pulls down the bridge too Yo momma so fat she steps on a scale & it goes one at a time please Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it! Yo momma so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck! Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it. Yo momma so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo. Yo momma so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping Yo momma so fat when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground. Yo momma so fat when she back up she beep. Yo momma so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck. Yo momma so fat she has to buy two airline tickets. Yo momma so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again. Yo momma so fat she influences the tides. Yo momma so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas. Yo momma so fat she broke her leg and gravy fell out. Yo momma so fat the animals at the zoo feed her. Yo momma so fat she was baptized at Marine World. Yo momma so fat she's on both sides of the family! Yo momma so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips. Yo momma so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover her Yo momma so fat she stands in two time zones. Yo momma so fat I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas. Yo momma so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops. Yo momma so fat shes on both sides of the family Yo momma so fat it takes her two trips to haul ass Yo momma so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through Yo momma so fat when the bitch goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps. Yo momma so fat that she cant tie her own shoes. Yo momma so fat sets off car alarms when she runs. Yo momma so fat she cant reach her back pocket. Yo momma so fat when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her back! Yo momma so fat her college graduation picture was an airial. Yo momma so fat she lays on the beach and greenpeace tried to push her back in the water Yo momma so fat she broke her leg and gravy poured out Yo momma so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth Yo momma so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures Yo momma so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck. Yo momma so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard. Yo momma so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles. Yo momma so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon. Yo momma so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean..... Yo momma so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, the bitch caused an eclipse. Yo momma so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl. Yo momma so fat she was baptised in the ocean. Yo momma so fat she has to iron her clothes in the driveway. Yo momma so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it. Yo momma so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?" Yo momma so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow! Yo momma so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks. Yo momma so fat the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts!!! Yo momma so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet. =-> SO STUPID, Yo momma so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes Yo momma so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends Yo momma so stupid when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon Yo momma so stupid she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" because she couldn't read Yo momma so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind Yo momma so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl Yo momma so stupid you have to dig for her IQ! Yo momma so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved! Yo momma so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes! Yo momma so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order! Yo momma so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone! Yo momma so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money! Yo momma so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight! Yo momma so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund! Yo momma so stupid she took a cup to see Juice. Yo momma so stupid that she sold the car for gas money. Yo momma so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911" Yo momma so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. Yo momma so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K." Yo momma so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out. Yo momma so stupid she stole free bread. Yo momma so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl. Yo momma so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check. Yo momma so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back. Yo momma so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners. Yo momma so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train. Yo momma so stupid when asked on an application, "Sex?", she marked, "M, F and sometimes Wednesday too." Yo momma so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif. Yo momma so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean! Yo momma so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl Yo momma so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved! Yo momma so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds! Yo momma so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch! Yo momma so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center. Yo momma so stupid she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows at home. Yo momma so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead. Yo momma so stupid she jumped out the window and went up. Yo momma so stupid she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund. Yo momma so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain. Yo momma so stupid that under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics." Yo momma so stupid she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house. Yo momma so stupid she put lipstick on her forehead, talking about she was trying to makeup her mind. Yo momma so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes. =-> SO UGLY, Yo momma so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals." Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning. Yo momma so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it." Yo momma so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies. Yo momma so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower Yo momma so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars. Yo momma so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck Yo momma so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween. Yo momma so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras Yo momma so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her Yo momma so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her. Yo momma so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say "Damn, is it Halloween already?" Yo momma so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday. Yo momma so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects. Yo momma so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints. Yo momma so ugly she made an onion cry. Yo momma so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower! Yo momma so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours... for a quote! Yo momma so ugly they put her in dough and made monster cookies! Yo momma so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out! Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and gets arrested! Yo momma so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her! Yo momma so ugly Ted Dansen wouldn't date her! Yo momma so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone! Yo momma so ugly she had to get her baby drunk to breastfeed it! Yo momma so ugly she turned Medusa to stone! Yo momma so ugly The NHL banned her for life Yo momma so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween! Yo momma so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday! Yo momma so ugly if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects! Yo momma so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints Yo momma so ugly she made an onion cry! Yo momma so ugly people go as her for Halloween. Yo momma so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her. Yo momma so ugly she scares the roaches away. Yo momma so ugly we have to tie a steak around your neck so the dog will play with her! Yo momma so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound. Yo momma so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects. Yo momma so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye. =-> SO OLD, Yo momma so old I told her to act her own age, and the bitch died. Yo momma so old she has Jesus' beeper number! Yo momma so old her social security number is 1! Yo momma so old that when God said let the be light, she hit the switch' Yo momma so old that when she was in school there was no history class. Yo momma so old she owes Jesus 3 bucks! Yo momma so old she's in Jesus's yearbook! Yo momma so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook. Yo momma so old her birth certificate says expired on it. Yo momma so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince. Yo momma so old she owes Jesus a nickel. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Two Martians landed near a Golf Course just as the game was in progress. The first golfer teed off and his ball landed in the rough. Curiously the watched him curse, struggling to get on to the fairway again. The second golfer pitched his ball into the sand trap. They observed how upset he was and how he, too, struggled to get his ball onto the fairway. Eventually both players were on the green and the first successfully sunk his putt. The one Martian looked at his mate saying: "Boy, now he's really in trouble!" CHARM - That quality in others of making us more satisfied with ourselves. What do sea monsters eat? Fish and Ships. A Teenager..... is someone who never puts off until tomorrow what he can put off until next week. On and on the speaker droned. A guest, who was very drunk and very bored, suddenly picked up a bottle of wine and threw it at the speaker. Unfortunately his aim wasn't good and it hit the person next to the speaker on the head. Quite dazed, the man looked up saying: "Please try again, I can still hear him!" A person who can speak many languages is not necessarily more valuable than a person who can listen well in one. OVERHEARD "Her features do not seem to know the value of teamwork." OVERHEARD "Her dresses never date ..... they just look ridiculous year after year" One good thing about telling the truth, is that you don't have to remember what you said. Her ambition is to meet a tall, dark and handsome man who will introduce her to a short fat wealthy one. The bank robber shoved a note across to the teller that said: "Put the money in the bag sucker, and don't raise the alarm." Curiously, he watched the teller scribble something on the piece of paper and push it back across the counter. He read the message: "Straighten your tie sucker. They're taking your picture!" Love thy neighbour ..... You never know when your TV will give in. Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them. A hen and a pig were walking down a country lane when they were passed by a truck bearing the sign "Ham and Eggs." "See," said the hen, "we're partners." "Yes," replied the pig, "but for you it's a day's work. For me it's a total commitment." Heard on Zimbabwe Radio: "A group of air traffic controllers is being sent to Britain for a crash course." In a recent competition to find a slogan better than Kiss me, I'm French, top honors went to: Treat me, I'm Dutch. Delight me, I'm Turkish. Mate me, I,m Czech. Punch me, I'm Hawaiian. Knight me, I'm Arabian. Watch me, I'm Swiss. Husband wearing apron, to sick wife in bed: "The loud crash you just heard in the kitchen is Nature's way of saying: 'Get well soon'." At the end of his trial, the defendant changed his plea to guilty. "Why on earth didn't you plead guilty from the start?" the judge wanted to know. "Well, your Honor," replied the man, "I thought I was innocent. But that was before I heard the evidence against me." The Hollywood tycoon was determined to create the biggest epic ever. "We'll use 20 000 extras for the battle scene." "But how will we pay them?" "That's the best part of my plan. We'll use real bullets." If GOD intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport. "You're being unreasonable!" a husband complained to his wife. "Well, I was as unreasonable when we were first married - but then you thought it was cute!" The truck driver had just ordered a hamburger at a cafe when three hell's angels walked in, grabbed his food and gobbled it up. The man quietly excused himself, paid the bill, and walked out. "Ha! Not much of a man, is he?" one of the trio asked the proprietor. "He's not much of a driver either," came the reply. "He's just driven over three motor bikes!" A man - rather baffled - found himself down below. "And what brings you here?" asked the guard. "I'm really not sure," the man replied looking at his watch. "Five minutes ago I was Kissing my boss's wife." What's the difference between an old-fashioned girl and a modern one? The first takes two drinks and goes out like a light. The other takes two drinks and out goes the light. Hear about the Irishman who robbed a bank? He told the teller to put all the money into his savings account. "My friend doesn't understand the decimal system. She can't see the point." Minister to deacon: "I am against installing air conditioning in church. Let the sweltering heat act as a reminder!" If bankers can count, why do banks have eight window and only four tellers? "My wife drives like lightning. She keeps striking things." I wouldn't say your car is old, but it's the first time I've ever seen bifocal headlights. Tonight's performance of The Seven Year Itch has been scratched. Teacher: "Johnny, can you explain inflation?" Johnny: "Every time my dad gets the accounts, he blows up. That's inflation." A career girl's mind moves her a head. A stripper's moves her behind. Disappointment is what you experience when you realize you look exactly like your passport photograph. The high cost of living is often confused with the cost of high living. "This particular doll's house, madam," said the salesman, "is considered a very educational toy. It comes complete with mortgage." A female stockbroker made millions of dollars for the rich oil baron. The oil baron was very pleased and to express his appreciation offered to buy the stockbroker a silver plated Rolls Royce. She declined, saying that it was far too expensive a gift. "But," she added, I've recently taken up golf and I do need four more clubs." A few weeks later she received the following telegram: "Have so far only managed to buy three golf clubs. Only two have swimming pools. Hope you're not too disappointed." A moth is an insect that can eat a modern swim suit in one gulp. A moth is an insect that spends the summer in fur coats and the winter in swim suits. Mother moth to baby moth: "If you don't eat up all your garbadine you won't get any crepe-de-Chine!" Camphor is the only thing that moths don't give a damphor. The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. Breathes there a man so free from greed, Who has never felt the need, When in a Phone booth to explore, The coin return slot, once more? Little birdie flying high, Dropped a message from the sky. "Oh!" said the farmer wiping his eye, "Isn't it lucky that cows don't fly?" Mother: "I had a frank discussion with our daughter about the facts of life." Father: "Did you learn anything?" "Your son's always mimicking me!" "Oh, yes, he's always playing the fool." "He's got such a big mouth, his dentist won't work without a safety line." If you said what you thought, you'd be speechless. One woman to another: "She's not pushing 40, ..... she's dragging it." Her husband came home and found her in a drab housecoat and without make-up. "Is this what I have to come home to?" he yelled. Her best friend who had witnessed this, quickly ran home, dolled herself up, and waited for her husband. "And where," he bellowed on seeing her, "do you think you're going?" "Darling, what is it about me that you love most ..... my natural beauty or my gorgeous body?" a woman asked her husband. "Your sense of humour." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 "In Minnesota, a Shoplifting Case With a Twist," NY Times, 12/11/96, p.A16. Living in a beautiful house in a St. Paul suburb, the couple would hardly be expected to pilfer merchandise from stores. Instead, the police say, they and two of their grown children had a personal shoplifter do it. The couple, Gerald Dick, a 58-year-old dentist, and his wife, Judy, 56, of Roseville, Minn., surrendered yesterday on charges of trying to receive stolen property. Their son, James Dick, 32, also surrendered. A daughter, Stacy Zehren, a 33-year-old Chicago lawyer who is eight and a half months pregnant, has also been charged but will not have to surrender until after the baby is born, a spokesman for the County Attorney's office in Ramsey County, Minn., said. The police say the family members hired a former convict to do the stealing for them and may have received $250,000 in stolen merchandise in the last few years. The merchandise included a cashmere sweater valued at more than $2,000 and a full-length white fox fur coat. The members of the family could be fussy about the quality of their shoplifted goods, the police said. "James Dick requested lighter-colored Armani suits be stolen," the police report said. James Dick crossed the National Football League players' union picket line to play for the Minnesota Vikings in 1987. In Ramsey County District Court yesterday, Judge Richard Hopper released the three on their own recognizance and ordered them to appear on Jan. 9. They have no criminal records. A lawyer for the family, Paul Applebaum, said yesterday that he did not know how his clients would plead to the charges. "I would hope the fact that they may be upper-middle class is not something they will be punished for or made an example of," he said. The police said the Dick family had hired the shoplifting services of Gregory Eugene Thomas, a 37-year-old Minneapolis man who has served time in prison for theft. When Mr. Thomas was arrested in the Dayton's store in Roseville the day after Thanksgiving on a shoplifting charge, he told the police about the scheme and agreed to take part in a sting operation. Mr. Thomas, who told the police that the Dick family had bailed him out of jail and sent him money while he was in prison previously, went to the couple's house last Friday with a department store investigator, Carla Schrom, who posed as a Dayton's cleaning worker who could steal whatever they wanted. They presented some merchandise they said was stolen from Dayton's, including a Baccarat crystal eagle, a briefcase and three men's suits. After some haggling over price, James Dick bought the eagle and the briefcase, and said he preferred Armani suits. Judy Dick then asked Ms. Schrom to shoplift some crystal, and Ms. Zehren asked about getting some children's clothes, the police said. The police seized goods valued at $42,000 at the house. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John. If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster. If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, (hey! it's the '90's!), he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg. If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver. If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh. How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou. If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G. Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. IF he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare. If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King. If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose Tu the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu. If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener. If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur. If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard, "Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy." And if the late Ella Fitzgerald had married Darth Vader, she'd be Ella Vader... 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 WHAT'S ON, DOC? Heard about the new TV shows for the summer season? C*A*S*H. A show about the zany antics of a madcap financial department at a hospital owned by a major health-care conglomerate. Led by Hawkeye, a talented cost accountant (his nickname comes from an uncanny ability to spot a slashable expenditure from a mile away), the series also features Radar, a bill collector with a sixth sense about where deadbeat ex-patients are hiding. Week after week the cast finds a world of wacky ways to make sure their hospital's bottom line is tops. ST. SEND-THEM-ELSEWHERE. A prime time soap that takes place in a super-ritzy private hospital that's so exclusive even emergency patients need an engraved invitation to be admitted. The show focuses on the lives and loves of the dedicated men and women who must deal every day with the stress of administering liposuction and tummy tucks to the filthy rich. TRAPPER JEAN, M.D. (A Canadian TV program featuring Jean -- as in Chretien.) The adventures of a doctor in Canada's Far North. Unable to get by on what the government pays him for his services, he's forced to moonlight as a fur trapper in order to survive. In the series pilot the fur really flies when Dr. Jean saves the life of a rich tourist, only to have her refuse to pay the bill because she turns out to be a dedicated animal rights activist. MARCUS WELLBEING, M.D. A sitcom for the '90s, about a West Coast doctor who uses the latest New Age techniques to treat his patients, including herbalism, astrology, alchemy, aura therapy and crystal power. For especially tough cases Marcus performs channelling and lets his body be taken over by Moo-la, a 10,000-year-old healer from the ninth dimension. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 The bar is packed to the rafters with a group of law students. They are there to watch a trial that is being televised live from the downtown courtroom. A hush falls over the crowd. The prosecutor is giving his summation. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, both these men are guilty of engaging in violent acts. The one man had a set of brass knuckles and a .45 automatic. He was wearing a bullet-proof vest. He had, on his person, a knive with a sixteen inch blade, and in the trunk of his car he had an Uzi. The other man had a sawed-off shotgun and an umbrella with the tip filed down to be as sharp as a razor. He was wearing a steel helmet and he had a flamethrower strapped to his back. These two men were ready for World War III and yet they claim they are innocent victims, just acting in self-defense." His rousing words stirs the jury and they deliberate for only one hour. When they come back into the courtroom, the judge asks, "What is your verdict?" The foreman stands and says, "Guilty, Your Honor. But we, the members of the jury, would pay a hundred bucks each if you could arrange for us to see them fight." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? Why doesn't DOS ever say "Excellent command or filename"? Why doesn't ice cream have any bones? Why attack God? He's as sad about us as we are. Hard work has never killed anyone, but why take a chance? Why do I always shrug my shoulders? I have no idea. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? Why do they call them briefings when they take so long? Ever wonder why Oprah spelled backwards is Harpo? Why can't women remember to put the seat back up? Why don't they make mouse-flavored cat food? Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk? If money's the root of all evil, why do churches want it? If ignorance is bliss, why does it breed so much hate? Why did CNN cancel that cool "Desert Storm" mini-series? If she won't live forever, why get her a diamond? If this isn't war, why is CNN massing on the border? Why do we call boxing a sport & masturbation self-abuse? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitos? Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Why do 24-hour stores have locks on the doors? Why is it called taking a dump and not leaving a dump? 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A Bachelor is a man who: -always aims to squeeze. -always went on double dates in college. -avoids bride-eyed women. -believes in life, liberty and the happiness of pursuit. -believes in wine, women and so-long. -believes that one can live as cheaply as two. -can forget his mistakes. -can get into bed from either side. -can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked. -can have a girl on his knee without having her on his hands. -can leave his socks and wallet lying around the house. -can open his wallet without turning his head. -can take a nap on top of the bedspread. -can tell his symptoms to his doctor without having his wife interrupt. -can use his home phone whenever he wants. -can't be spouse-broken. -can't stand the strain of a wife. -cheated some woman out of a divorce. -comes to work every morning from a different direction. -doesn't get around to marrying. He just gets around. -doesn't have to leave the party when he starts having a good time. -expects to marry just as soon as he finds a girl who loves him as much as he loves himself. -failed to embrace his opportunities. -gets tangled up with a lot of women in order to avoid getting tied down to one. -is a free male. -is a permanent temptation. -is a rolling stone that gathers no boss. -is allergic to wedding cakes. -is crazy to get married and knows it. -is foot-loose and family-free. -is known as a dame dropper. -is looking for a date with no apron attached. -is never miss-taken. -is not missing anything in life except a few buttons on his shirt. -knows all the ankles. -knows how to hold a woman's hand so that she doesn't get a grip on him. -knows if he has a steady girl on the string he may wind up on a leash. -knows more about women than men. That's why he is a bachelor. -leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall. -likes his girl friend just the way she is...single!!!! -looks, but does not leap. -never chases a woman he couldn't outrun. -never knows whom the next kiss is coming from. -never makes the same mistake once. -never met a girl he couldn't live without. -never Mrs. anything. -never says, "I'll give you a ring tomorrow!" -plays the game of love and manages to retain his amateur Outanding. -prefers ripe tomatoes with little dressing. -thinks he is a thing of beauty and a boy forever. -travels fastest in a parked car. -tries to avoid the issue. -usually has his hands full trying to loosen a woman's grip. -wakes up in the morning with all of the blankets. -washes only one set of dishes. -when a girl asks him for a diamond ring, he turns stone-deaf. -when he opens the window in his apartment, more dust blows out than in. -would rather mend his socks than his ways. -won't take `yes' for an answer. -would rather change girls than change their names. -would rather cook his own goose. -would rather have a woman on his mind than on his neck. -wouldn't change his quarter for a better half. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 An airline employee named Gay was using his complimentary ticket. However, company rules state that if the plane is full and someone needs a seat, the employee is the first to be bumped. Sure enough, the flight was full. A flight attendant stepped into the aisle and said loudly, "Gay? You have to leave. Who's Gay?" A man in front of Mr. Gay raised his hand and said, "I'm gay." Soon several people were raising their hands, until a woman stood up. In an effort to unite the panicking passengers, she shouted, "Let's stick together -- they can't make us all leave!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 My name is Pierre the French Fighter Pilot ========================================== Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!" So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" Shrieks Marie. "Well, my name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine." His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says. "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre, what are you doing?" "My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into his ear: "Pierre, kiss me lower." Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her bush. He grabs a match, lights it and sets her on fire. Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, "PIERRE WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?" "My name is Pierre the French Fighter Pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Rules To Be A Man 100 ways to keep your Testosterone flowing 1 Don't call, ever. 2 If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself. 3 Lie. 4 Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as "spike" 5 If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them. 6 Here's a good pickup line, "My girlfiend's pregnant, will you go out with me? 7 Drink Vernors. 8 Play with yourself. Talk about it. 9 Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do. 10 Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault. 11 Lie. 12 Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths. 13 Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help- don't ask. People will think you have no penis. 14 Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them. 15 Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check you hair, clothing, etc. 16 If you don't like a girl, but can't think of a good enough reason why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like, "I don't know. I just don't like her personality." 17 If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible. 18 TWO WORDS: Hack and spit. 19 Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name with urine. 20 One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not giving up on her. 21 Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1. 22 Say things like "Wha...?" 23 Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks. 24 Lie. 25 Deny everthing. Everything. 26 Good break up line, "It's not you, it's me." 27 If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her. Because if any of your female friends like you, they'll really want to know. 28 Don't have a clue. 29 If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it. 30 No means yes. 31 Yes means no. 32 If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel. Enforce this rule at all times. 33 If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and locations. Improvise. 34 Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often signifies the end of a relationship. 35 Feelings? What feelings? 36 Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant." 37 Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass. 38 Gays are an unacceptable part of our society. Take it upon yourself to personally eradicate all of them from the planet. 39 DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape. Example: Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day." 40 Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual meaning. 41 At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various genitalia. If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make an exact replica of your penis. Measure to make sure it's right. 42 Lie. 43 "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about saying it. 44 A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it. 45 Diss your girlfirend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss her again. Repeat cycle. 46 Lie. 47 ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it. 48 If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't. 49 Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color. 50 Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see you. 51 It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions. 52 Create new words and phrases to describe genetalia, sex, semen, etc. 53 Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel sorry or you and send you mail, ignore it and continue complaining. 54 Lie. 55 Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people you don't know. 56 Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with people you don't know. 57 If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction. 58 You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity. 59 You are male, therefore you are superior. 60 Agenda for a boring evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out. 61 Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to please you. 62 Don't ever notice anything. 63 If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell her. 64 Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality. 65 Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality. 66 Lie. 67 If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically you've done nothing wrong. 68 Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you have to cry about, anyway? 69 If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know." 70 Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away. 71 Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU. 72 If you ever find yourself in a position where you have been proven wrong, blame others. Come up with creative and believable excuses why they are at fault- not you. 73 Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic. 74 If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills. 75 Keep track of how many seconds in your life you have thought about sex. Compare with others. 76 Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long and loud. 77 Lie. 78 General Rule: Different is BAD. 79 If anyone asks you for a favor- a) make a big deal about how hard it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life. 80 Each penny you save will be worth at least a dollar in the long run. 81 If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to you, casually ask, "is something wrong?" 82 Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend. 83 Lie. 84 If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in. 85 When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say, "God, I was such a pimp back then." 86 Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave,and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive like hell. (true story.) 87 If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship. 88 The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls on top. 89 Practice your blank stare. 90 Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your ass. Then, whenever you need one, you can pull it out of your ass. 91 If you ever forced to show emotion, just pick random emotions like rage and lust and insanity and display them at random, inconvenient times. You don't be asked to do it again. 92 If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say, "SEE?? I TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things. 93 Work out day and night to make your body even more beautiful than it already is. When people ask if you've been working out, say things like, "No, baby, I was BORN like this!" 94 Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or Oldies. 95 Beer. Then more beer. 96 Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people. 97 One word: FOOTBALL! 98 Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we??? 99 Diss your girl friends for an occasional night or 5 out with "The Gang". 100 LIE. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 GRAND FARTING COMPETITION UNDER INTERNATIONAL RULES OF FARTING TO BE HELD AT THE EAST GERMAN FARTING STADIUM FART OFF: 8.40 p.m. FINAL FART: 10.40 p.m. Referees: Former Farting Champion (all classes) of Egypt and the Lebanon (National) Services. 2 - Wet Fart Champion of the United Kingdom and the Isle of Man. Chairman: Who still holds the World Record Duration Fart for 9 seconds (unbeaten after training on Pernod, Duck Eggs, Barm Cakes and Mushy Peas). RULES: When called each competitor will step on the raised platform and must lower his trousers, on the platform, and not before. He will grip the Farting Post, any grip is permitted, one hand or both. At a given signal from the senior referee, The competitor will commence to fart. ...... A SHIT IS IMMEDIATELY DISQUALIFIED ...... GRADING: Dry farts, Long farts, Wet farts, Short farts, Alternating long and short farts, Rip-raps, Bubbles, Blobs, and squeaks. The Judge will take into consideration quality of all farts, Strength, Odour, Posture of competitor and grip used. Cushion dusters, Blanket rippers, and thunder claps are admissable. Echo chambers will not be allowed. After the final fart a demonstration will be given by the World Champion Farter. Also by a runner-up who came within 1 second of the 1979 World Championship but was disqualified for shitting. The Thunder Box Farting Formation Team will give a display of Formation Farting. The audience is requested not to fart during the competition as this upsets the Judge. The Drinking of alcohol and the eating of peanuts is not permitted during the contest as this causes the arse to quiver, which distorts the farts, giving a false sound. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically Imposed Midwinter Festival, my acquaintaince-rape survivor gave to me... 12 males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming 11 pipers piping (plus the 18 member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the musicians equity union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play one note ...) 10 melanin-deprived testerone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping 9 persons engaged in rhythmic self expression 8 economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from bovine americans 7 endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands 6 enslaved fowl-americans producing stolen nonhuman animal products 5 golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration 4 hours of recorded whale songs 3 deconstructionist poets 2 sierra club calenders printed on recycled processed tree carcasses, and... A spotted owl activist chained to an old growth pear tree The last four had to be completely revised from the originals after members of the animal liberation front and PETA threated to throw red paint at the writers computer. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 YOU KNOW YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH HOLIDAY CHEER WHEN... You notice your tie sticking out of your fly. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster. You start kissing the portraits on the wall. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off. You strike a match and light your nose. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad. You hear some one say, "Call a priest!" You hear a duck quacking and it's you. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet. You refill your glass from the fish bowl. You tell everone you have to go home... and the party's at your place. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget. You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant. You realize you're the only one under the coffee table. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A Jewish child's letter to Santa Claus: Dear Santa, I am not writing to ask for toys. I know you won't give me any because I'm a Jew. That's all right. I understand that your apparent lack of compassion for the Jewish community is but a reflection of racist policies toward the nation of Israel. And I hope you will understand why I hope you are forced down in the Andes and have to eat Rudolf to survive you fat Nazi bastard. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 She was only the... Admiral's daughter, but her naval base was always full of seamen. Astronaut's daughter, but she knew how to take off. Athlete;s daughter, but she was always ready to play ball. Barman's daughter, but she knew how to pull them. Blacksmith's daughter, but she knew how to forge ahead. Bookbinder's daughter, but she knew her way between the sheets. Bricklayer's daughter, but she was certainly stacked. Butcher's daughter, but there wasn't much more she could loin. Cattleman's daughter, but she couldn't keep her calves together. Carpenter's daughter, but you should have seen her circular sores! Carpenter's daughter, but she always had tools in her box! Cave man's daughter, but you should have seen what dinosaur. Chimney sweeps daughter, but she could haul ash. Clergyman's daughter, but you couldn't put anything pastor. Cobbler's daughter, but she was built to last. Communist's daughter, but all the boys got a share. Doctor's daughter, but she really knew how to operate. Draughtman's daughter, but she never knew where to draw the line. Electrician's daughter, but she had good connections. Electrician's daughter, But she light up half the town. Farmer's daughter, but she knew hundreds of ways to fertilize. Film censor's daughter, but she didn't know when to cut it out. Fisherman's daughter, but all the guys swalled her lines. Fishmonger's daughter, but she lay on the slab and said fillet. Flag-wavers daughter, But she'd let her standards down for anyone. Florist's daughter, but she had the best tulips in town. Fruit vendor's daughter, but she certainly had a pail. Ganger's daughter, But she knew the fettlers length. Garagemans daughter, but she didnt like the smell of benzole! Gravediggers daughter, but anyone cadaver :^) Gravedigger's daughter, but she liked lying under the sod. Green grocer's daughter, but her melons were the juiciest in town! Insurance broker's daughter, but all the guys liked her policy. Jockey's daughter, but all the horse manure. Lighthouse keeper's daughter, but she never went out at night. Milkman's daughter, but she was cream of the crop. Moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still. Musician's daughter, but she knew all the bars in town. Optician's daughter, but after a few of glasses made a spectacle of herself. Parachutists daughter, but she was free-4-all Philanthropist's daughter, but she kept giving things away. Photographer's daughter, but she was really developed. Pitcher's daughter, but you should have seen her curves. Plumber's daughter, but she made good use of her fixtures. Pilots daughter, But she always kept her cockpit clean. Postman's daugther, But she always had mail in her box. Professor's daughter, but she gave all the boys a lesson. Real estate agent's daughter, but she gave a lot away. Road worker's daughter, but she knew how to get her asphalt. Statistician's daughter, but she knew all the standard deviations. Steelworker's daughter, but you should see that pig iron. Telegrapher's daughter, but she sure didit...didit...didit.... Tree feller's daughter, but t'ree fellas were never enough for her. Undertaker's daughter, but she knew how to bu...stiff. Vacuum salesman's daughter, but she knew how to suck! Violinists daughter, but she took off her G-string and all the boys fiddled. Weatherman's daughter, but she sure had a warm front. Wood-chopper's daughter, but you could hear her ring-barking for miles. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Recently, Apple Computer Inc. purchased a 14.5 million dollar Cray Research supercomputer to aid in the design of their next-generation Apple computers. John Rollwagen, Cray Research Inc. chief executive, told Seymour Cray about how Apple was using their newly purchased Cray supercomputer. "There was a pause on the other end of the line, and Seymour said 'That's interesting, because I'm designing the next Cray with an Apple'." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴