ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ· ³ º ³ H - J O K E 2 3 . T X T º ³ º ÔÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍͼ Ok, it's now 02:53 on the 24th of January 1997, time to start with another issue... The HMVH Corporation BBS is temporarily out of order. Not funny, it's disgusting! Makes no difference, the jokes continue to roll in, so here we go with another supposedly funny issue of... Title: H-JOKE23.TXT File size: 500,496 bytes (formatted to 66 lines per page :) Date: 15-08-1998 [Standard disclaimer follows...] This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. List each check separately by bank number. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for sensitive viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. All models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Contains a substaintial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Colors may, in time, fade. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Drop in any mailbox. Edited for television. Post office will not deliver without postage. List was current at time of printing. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. At participating stores only. Penalty for private use. See label for sequence. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Falling rock. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Add toner. Place stamp here. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Be sure each item is properly endorsed. Serving suggestion. Sign here without admitting guilt. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of dog. Limited time offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this engagement. No purchase necessary. Shading within a garment may occur. Use only in well-ventilated area. Keep away from fire or flame. Replace with same type. Some equipment shown is optional. VAT excl. Not recommended for children. Reproduction strictly prohibited. No solicitors. No alcohol, dogs, or horses. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Restaurant package, not for resale. List at least two alternate dates. First pull up, then pull down. Driver does not carry cash. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Record additional transactions on back of previous stub. Available only within the borders of South Africa. Keep out of reach of children. Replace all batteries at once. Keep off grass. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ WOMEN are accustomed to lining up to use a public restroom. Like dress shoes that turn our toes into curly fries, underwire bras that set off metal detectors and TV commercials that broadcast our most intimate hygiene requirements, we don't like it but we've come to expect it. These long lines can actually be helpful. You just spot the queue with all the women, and you know precisely where to go. But, it's on those rare occasions when I get lucky and find the place all to myself that I get into trouble. Those doors separating us from them don't necessarily say "Women" and "Men." In fact, the more hip the establishment, the less likely they will. Even I can figure out Minnie and Mickey, Guys and Dolls, or Gals and Dudes. But unless you're up on the latest episode of Wild Kingdom, Studs and Fillies, Bucks and Does, and Boars and Sows could cause some crucial moments to be lost pondering the right answer. My girlfriend Pepper rushed head-on through a door that was marked with the biological symbol for man. "How did I know?" she exclaimed. "I thought that pointy little arrow was supposed to be a little hat or something." Just as she was getting comfortable in the stall, two men walked in and proceeded to use the urinals. "Uh, excuse me," she called out. "There's a woman in here." "Well," one of the guys chuckled, "There's not much I can do right now, but if you wait a minute, I'll let you know when it's clear." Pepper waited for the high sign and, head hung low, slunk past the guys who were now waiting on the outside to get a good look at her. "Didn't you notice the urinals when you walked in?" I asked. "What urinals? I thought they were chi-chi sinks." Not long ago, I stood for a few agonizing moments in front of two doors with pictures of Marilyn Monroe and Clark Gable, respectively. This is the '90s. You can't just assume. Do you choose the one you can relate or to the one you're attracted to? And, if they're one and the same ...? Like any red-blooded, American woman, I enjoy ethnic restaurants. I'm just not up to playing U.N. interpreter when it's time to use the facilities. Besides, I only got to choose one foreign language in high school. So, if the sign says anything besides Senors and Senoras, I'm doing the little squirmy dance in front of the pay phone. Universal signs were supposed to take care of all this. Stick figures of men and women even a kid can figure out. But in train stations, airports and other grubby places, what looks like a miniature triangular skirt (i.e. the little woman) could actually be some vagrant's grimy hand print. I like trendy. I like clever. But, when it comes to practical matters, just give it a rest. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Computers in Movies: The Standard Cliche List 1. Word processors never display a cursor. 2. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences. 3. All monitors display inch-high letters. 4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces. 5. Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English. 6. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard. 7. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." (See "Fortress") 8. All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off. 9. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer. 10. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward. 11. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data. 12. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries. 13. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function. (See "Demolition Man" and countless others) 14. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems transmit data at a speed of two gigabytes per second. 15. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building. 16. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. (e.g., "Clear and Present Danger") 17. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it. 18. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms. 19. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has ("Aliens"). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labeled. 20. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability. 21. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Y-MP. 22. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face. (See "Alien," "2001") ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Removal of 100-Watt Electric Bulb from Rectum from Annals of Emergency Medicine November 1982 To the Editor: In all societies, individuals have introduced foreign bodies into the rectum, penis, and vagina, sometimes for sexual gratification and sometimes for unusual psychological reasons. The literature contains many reports of such instances, particularly with respect to foreign bodies in the rectum. Objects reported include stones, coke bottles, plastic vibrators, pencils, sticks, a baseball, knives, screwdrivers, the U-bend of a sink, a sponge rubber ball, glass tumblers, a pickle bottle, and a beer glass. This case report adds to the list a 100-watt electric bulb, an object not previously reported, and describes the technique used for the successful removal of this fragile object. A 54-year-old man presented with the complaint that two days earlier he had drunk whiskey and "did something" to his rectum. He was obviously embarrassed and reluctant to explain his problem. Rectal examination revealed a hard, smooth, globular mass. The results of the rest of the physical examination were within normal limits. When asked specifically, the patient admitted that an electric bulb had been in his rectum for two days. He said he had gotten drunk, accepted a wager of $100 and, using shaving cream as a lubricant, had inserted a 100-watt electric bulb into his rectum. The next day, sober, he realized that he had done a "stupid" thing but believed that the bulb would come out unassisted. After two days he became aware of difficulty defacating, and when he began to experience difficulty urinating, he became frightened and sought medical help. AP and lateral films of the pelvis verified the location of the electric bulb in the rectum, and the patient was taken to the operating room. He was placed in a face-down position with his hips elevated. The buttocks were separated and held apart by a circular metal ring. With the aid of malleable retractors in the rectum, the electric bulb was visualized, but it was not possible to get a gloved finger over the maximum diameter of the bulb. Toy darts with suction cup ends were used to draw the electric bulb to the sphincter. After drying the glass surface of the bulb with ethyl ether swabs, we attempted to attach the suction cup end of the dart to the eletric bulb with cyanoacrylate cement. Four attempts of this maneuver were unsuccessful: the cement would not stick. The patient was then turned to the lithotomy position and another dart was successfully attached to the bulb without any glue, and the bulb was pulled to the sphincter. Three #24 Foley catheters with 30-cc terminal balloons were lubricated with mineral oil and passed over the maximum diameter of the bulb. The catheters were placed at the six, ten and two o'clock positions. Throughout this procedure, a steady pull was maintained on the attached dart. After it was verified by digital examination that the tips and balloons of the catheters were beyond the maximum diameter of the bulb, the balloons were inflated with 30 cc of water, and about 30 cc of mineral oil was injected into the rectum through a Foley catheter. A steady pull of about five pounds was applied to each catheter, and after about ten minutes the sphincter began to dilate and the bulb began to emerge. The electric bulb finally came out through the external sphincter with no further complications. Sigmoidoscopic examination showed no bleeding or other injury to the rectal mucosa. After 24 hours of observation, the patient returned home. The literature describes various methods that have been employed to retrieve foreign bodies from the rectum. Because this electric bulb was a large object (maximum diameter, 61 mm; length from metal end to top, 114 mm) made of fragile glass, special consideration had to be taken to avoid breakage that would have resulted in lacerations to the rectum and adjacent structures, with consequent complications. Ideally, the bulb should be removed intact from the rectum through the anus. If this is not possible, the abdomen must be opened and the bulb gently squeezed through the rectum and the anus, with great care taken to avoid injuring the rectum. Should this method be unsuccessful, the sigmoid colon must be opened and the bulb removed through the abdominal incision; however, opening the sigmoid colon is a very lenghy procedure with severe morbidity and a prolonged recovery period,, and this maneuver should be reserved as an extraordinary measure. Vaman S. Diwan, MD, MS Huntington, West Virginia ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Top ten reasons studying is better than sex! * You can usually find someone to do it with. * If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off. * You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame. * When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it. * A little coffee and you can do it all night. * If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser". * You can do it, eat and watch TV all at the same time. * You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle. * You don't have to put your beer down to do it. * If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A businessman had lived and worked in New York City for some time and finally became disgusted with city life so he bought a cabin in the mountains of West Virginia. He was out working around the cabin, when an old pickup truck pulls into the driveway. Out of the truck steps this huge mountain man. "I'm your neighbor 'bout 5 miles up the road", he says. "I'm having a party Friday night, you wanna come?" The man from New York thinks for a minute and says,"Sure, I'll be glad to." "Okay", says the mountain man,"But I gotta tell ya that there's gonna be some drinkin' goin' on. "No problem", says the New Yorker," we used to go out drinking every night after work and drank all weekend." "Okay", says the montain man, "But I gotta tell ya that there's gonna be some sex goin' on." "No problem", says the New Yorker, " New York is the sex capital of the world. You see it everywhere you go." "Okay", says the mountain man, "but I gotta tell ya that there's gonna be some fightin' goin' on." No problem", says the New Yorker, "New York has the highest crime rate in the country. People get into fist fights over getting cabs." "Okay", says the mountain man, "I'll see ya Friday night." As the mountain man starts to back out of the driveway, the New Yorker yells to him, "Wait a minute! What am I supposed to wear?" The mountain man sticks his head out of the truck window and says, "Don't matter. Just gonna be me and you." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it to the window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they had landed, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded "I knew that was the MICROSOFT building because, like their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Are you a real man? Take This 12-Question Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Real Man Quotient. 1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to: a. Present it to the president of the United States. b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations. c. Take it apart. 2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most? a. Innocence. b. Idealism. c. Cherry bombs. 3. When is it okay to kiss another male? a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions. b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.) c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed. 4. What about hugging another male? a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease. b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!") c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that (1) He is legally within the basepath, (2) Both of you are wear- ing protective cups, and (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures. 5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to... a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones. b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life. c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer. 6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is: a. A cat. b. A dog. c. A dog that eats cats. 7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy-- you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers--when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say? a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it. b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope. c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen. 8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her-sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her? a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner. b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her. c. Tell her what? 9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is: a. "Do they need to eat or anything?" b. "They're in school already?" c. "There are three of them?" 10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear? a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs. b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers. c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody--and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife--is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her. 11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land? a. He was being tested. b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there. c. He refused to ask directions. 12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement? a. Democracy. b. Religion. c. Remote control. How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "c." A real man would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real man would score at least 15, because he would get the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ How to Win Arguments I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules: * Drink Liquor. Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room. * Make things up. Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you're damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level." NOTE: Always make up exact figures. If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up, too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say "You left your soiled underwear in my bath house." * Use meaningless but weightly-sounding words and phrases. Memorize this list: Let me put it this way In terms of Vis-a-vis Per se As it were Qua So to speak You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.," "e.g.," and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you do not." Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say: "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money." You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say: "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D." Only a fool would challenge that statement. * Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks. You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevent phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are: You're begging the question. You're being defensive. Don't compare apples and oranges. What are your parameters? This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means. Here's how to use your comebacks: You say As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873... Your opponents says Lincoln died in 1865. You say You're begging the question. OR You say Liberians, like most Asians... Your opponents says Liberia is in Africa. You say You're being defensive. * Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler. This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say: "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say" or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler." So that's it: you now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any of this on people who carry weapons. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ News Flash: A ship carrying a cargo of red paint has collided with a ship carrying a cargo of purple paint. Both crews were marooned. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Mr. Perkins walks into a bar and sits down on one of the stools. "Can I get you a drink?" asks the bartender. "No thanks," says Mr. Perkins. "I tried drinking once and didn't like it." A few minutes pass and the bartender lights up a cigar. "Care for a smoke?" he asks Perkins. "No, thank you," says Perkins. "I tried smoking once and I didn't much care for it." The guys want to play a game of poker in the back room and they ask Perkis if he wants to join them. "No thanks," says Perkins. "I tried gambling once and it just wasn't for me." Perkins just sits there at the end of the bar and finally the bartender says to him, "You don't drink, you don't smoke, and you don't gamble. What are you doing here?" "I am here to meet my son." The bartender says: "He must be an only child." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ This was read out on the News Quiz on BBC Radio 4 last week. It comes allegedly from the Huddersfield Daily Examiner and it's about a man whose life was saved by a smoke detector. It was a sheer miracle considering he'd taken the battery out and taped it to the ceiling. He decided that he was going to have some chips one night, but he fell asleep in a chair directly under the detector. The pan eventually erupted in flames but the smoke and crackling fat failed to rouse him. Gradually the heat rose and hit the ceiling and the tape began to peel. The alarm then fell on the man's head, waking him up. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Over lunch today (18th Sep 96) with a number of colleagues (original as far as I know, final comment from Emma Sheard): Discussion over lunch turned to consideration of alternative forms of energy. After covering some of the more mundane options (wind, sea etc.), an amputation hospital in the north of England was mentioned. The hospital is heated from a furnace, which, amongst other things, is used to incinerate the amputated limbs and other body parts. The response to this fascinating fact, "So when it gets cold, you just throw another leg on the fire?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ How do you know if you're in love, lust, or marriage? LOVE - when your eyes meet across a crowded room. LUST - when your tongues meet across a crowded room. MARRIAGE - when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care. LOVE - when intercourse is called making love. LUST - all other times. MARRIAGE - what's intercourse? LOVE - when you argue over how many children to have. LUST - when you argue over who gets the wet spot. MARRIAGE - when you argue over money. LOVE - when you share everything you own. LUST - when you think twice about giving your partner bus money. MARRIAGE - when the bank owns everything. LOVE - when it doesn't matter if you don't climax. LUST - when the relationship is over if you don't climax. MARRIAGE - what's a climax? LOVE - when you phone each other just to say "Gidday". LUST - when you phone each other just to organize sex. MARRIAGE - when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts. LOVE - when you write poems about your partner. LUST - when all you write is your phone number. MARRIAGE - when all you write is cheques. LOVE - when you show concern for your partners' feelings. LUST - when you couldn't give a shit. MARRIAGE - when your only concern is what's on TV. LOVE - when your farewell is "I love you darling ...". LUST - when your farewell is "So, same time next week?". MARRIAGE - when your farewell is silent. LOVE - when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner. LUST - when you only ever see each other in the bedroom. MARRIAGE - when you never see each other awake. LOVE - when your heart flutters everytime you see them. LUST - when your groin twitches everytime you see them. MARRIAGE - when your wallet empties everytime you see them. LOVE - when nobody else matters. LUST - when nobody else knows. MARRIAGE - when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows. LOVE - when breaking up is something you try not to think about. LUST - when staying together is something you try not to think about. MARRIAGE - when just getting through today is your only thought. LOVE - when you're interested in everything your partner does. LUST - when you're only interested in one thing. MARRIAGE - when you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you're interested in is your golf score. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ AD&D Monster Manual IV Barney: CLIMATE/TERRAIN: Nine Hells, Gehenna, Hades, The Abyss, PBS FREQUENCY: Very rare or daily at 4 pm ORGANIZATION: Solitary ACTIVITY CYCLE: Day DIET: Little children's minds INTELLIGENCE: Insipid (-12) TREASURE: Merchandising contracts ALIGNMENT: Purple evil NO. APPEARING: 1 (may be attended by 1-100 Barney zombies, see below) ARMOR CLASS: 10 (big and plush) MOVEMENT: 3 HIT DICE: 8 THAC0: 12 NO. OF ATTACKS: 2 DAMAGE/ATTACK: 1-10 (x2) SPECIAL ATTACKS: Hug (damage 3-30) SPECIAL DEFENSES: Aura of intolerable idiocy MAGIC RESISTANCE: 90% SIZE: L (8' tall) MORALE: Stupid (30) XP VALUE: 4,000 Barney is a demon from the lower planes, a great purple and plush deformed dinosaur. It is the enemy of intelligent lifeforms, eternally seeking out small children and feeding on their natural intelligence and curiousity. Combat: Barney will normally attack with it's two great paws, each inflicting 1-20 points of damage. If a victim is struck with either paw and fails a saving throw versus paralyzation, they are dragged to Barney and may be hugged next round. A hug inflicts 3-30 points of damage each round until the victim or Barney is killed. Barney may also utter a 'Power word I love you' once every three rounds. Any adults hearing the power word must save versus spells or flee in terror for 1-6 rounds. Any child hearing the power word must save versus spells or be controlled by Barney. He or she will thereafter follow Barney's commands with a delightful smile, and is subject to continued brainwashing. Each day that a child is in Barney's control they may be taught another lesson by Barney, decreasing their intelligence and wisdom by 1. When either stat reaches zero, the child becomes a mindless Barney zombie! Barney zombies follow his commands with love and a delightful smile, and eagerly spend gold coins on Barney merchandise. Barney is constantly surrounded by an aura of intolerable idiocy. Any individual within 20' must save versus spells once per round or lose 1 point of intelligence. When intelligence reaches zero, the victim falls to the ground in a quivering, gibbering wreck. Intelligence may be regained at the rate of 1 point per day afterwards. In addition, the aura tends to make spells go awry, tactics to fail, and mundane items to become intelligent with their own insipid personalities. Habitat/Society: Barney resides in a great temple and television studio on the lowest plane of the Abyss, with areas extending into every lower plane and prime material plane via transdimensional gates. He is constantly surrounded there by 1-100 Barney zombies clutching plush dolls and lollipops, which they may use as +2 maces in combat. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Subject: Cultural Awareness 101 Did you ever wonder why it's important to know something about the culture behind that foreign language you studied during those undergraduate or highschool years? In the 16 September, 1996 Chicago Tribune, Liz Sly comments on the proper translation of American business and product names into Chinese. About MicroSoft she writes, Microsoft has gone for a literal translation, "Wei Ruan," meaning "Small and Soft." It is not considered a wise choice: The sexual innuendo is overwhelming, and Chinese snigger every time they hear it. Men in particular say they are reluctant to purchase software with such an unmanly sounding name. Of course, this incident reminds me of the tale told by a highschool French teacher: Back when GM introduced the Chevy Nova in Mexico, they hadn't realized that the name "Nova" can be interpretted as "No va", "Doesn't Go." Sales of the Doesn't Go reflected this fact. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Several years ago I worked at SportMart, a sporting goods chain. I worked behind the service counter, where people would bring their returns and exchanges. One day, a woman came in carrying a pair of roller blades she had purchased the week before. She told me that one of the blades was the wrong size - there was one Regular and one Large, and she wanted two Larges. She proved this by pointing to the R and L imprinted on the padding on the inside of each of the skates. I carefully explained to her that the skates were the same size, and the R and L stood for Right and Left. She left without comment. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A pilot and his family were flying an amphibian light aircraft into British Columbia. They had the misfortune of flipping the plane on landing. They managed to get out of the plane, which then sank, and swam a half mile to land, where they survived bruised and cold three days, until finally found due to a coincidental sighting. There was an official search that was initiated at the time of the accident. The searchers arrived at the scene of the airplane sinking, assumed nobody survived, and called off the search. The search official defended the decision, reportedly saying: "They (the people who swam to land) did all the wrong things; they left the scene of the accident and left no indications which way they had gone." Well, yes... ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Too much of the Simpsons? Some friends of mine were explaining the `facts of life' to their 8 year daughter and 10 year old son, and the question arose, "can boys marry each other?". Well, yes (came the answer), and they have a special name called `homosexual'. The next question came, "can girls marry each other". Before any adult can answer, the other child answered, "yes, and they are called margesexual". ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, then we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar." "Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm drunk." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Once upon a time there was a fabulous jewelled city in the clouds. The people who lived there were peaceful, always happy, and got regular checks for prostate cancer. One day, Princess Bubbles, a beautiful young woman who, unbeknownst to anyone except you and I, in a previous life was responsible for the cruel and needless deaths of millions of innocent people, looked down upon the world below and saw a man who captivated her heart instantly. She knew she would not survive without the love of this man and told her father--The King, that she intended to leave the city in the clouds to find him. "You can't do that," The King--her father said. "The world below is full of dangers and no place for a princess like you." Well, one day Princess Bubbles disobeyed her father and journeyed to the world below to seek out her one true love. Instead, she met a pimp, got involved in pornography, and three months later died of a heroin overdose. The moral of this story, boys and girls, is "Karma Sucks!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A man walks into a Doctors. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "Whats the matter with me?",he asked. "You're not eating properly", replied the Doctor. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help? "Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke." She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay", she says. After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?" They say, "Huh?" She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long. Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, "Luke?" Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?" Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?" "Yeah," says Luke, "I remember." "Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed. "Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not". "Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ This posting announces the conclusion of the first annual essay contest sponsored by the G. M. Harding Institute for Civic Responsibility. This year's topic: Good Government. And the win- ning entry was: Good government. Good government. Sit. Stay. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Q: Why have no women been to the moon yet? A: It hasn't needed cleaning yet. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Our NT machine lost half its hard disk so we ran the F-PROT virus checker on it just to be sure and saw this annoying message: "This program is considered too old to be of use. It will probably only detect a fraction of the viruses that exist today. We consider it irresponsible to allow it to operate, as the chance of missing viruses is far too high. Please obtain and install an up-to-date version." My first thought was "!@^#%$", since the software was less than six months old, but then I checked the date on the computer: "Sun 25-10-2065" Oh. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake. MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap. TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M." WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoyiny telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale -- R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him." THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ My wife and I were watching a show on The Learning Channel titled, "A Dog's World." One segment focused on dogs practice of urinating everywhere to define who they are and whose territory it is, among many other things. "Basically," the narrator said, "dogs are leaving each other messages." I looked at my wife and said, "So I guess we could call it p-mail." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ As my e-mail address indicates, I am a biologist. People sometimes ask me why. After much serious thought, I came up with this explanation: (Yes, it is original -- mine, completely mine.) When I first started out, I was going to be a mathematician. So I took algebra, but I found that was highly variable. So, I tried geometry. And that's where I learned all the angles. Then I took calculus. That was truly an integrating experience, but it definitely had its limits. After a great deal of consideration, I decided to turn away from math and give some serious thought to science. I tried geology, but found that was kind of hard. Next I tried physics but I knew that would never work. And even though I'd heard chemists had all the solutions, I finally opted for biology because, after all, it's a living. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ I just got the following from one of my silly co-workers: "Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, but with respect for the religious persuasion of others who choose to practice their own religion as well as those who choose not to practice a religion at all; plus "a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 1997, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions have helped make our society great, without regard to the race, creed, color, religious, or sexual preferences of the wishes." (Disclaimer: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It implies >no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for >her/himself or others and no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.) ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ New, from Mattel...! [ANNOUNCER] New MIGHTY-MORPHIN'-JESUS action figures! With realistic healing and smiting action! [VOICE OVER] [child #1] "Aaannggg... Oh no! G.I. Joe is hit... Cobra leader is getting away!" [whirring sound... Mighty-Morphin-Jesus' eyes light and head spins] [child #1 in Jesus voice] "You are healed my son... now go forth and kick some ass." [child #2 in G.I. Joe voice] "Thanks J-man., Let's go Joes!" [ANNOUNCER] Now you're in control... fight the forces of evil with new Mighty-Morphin-Jesus the action figure. [Action shot of Jesus figure and He-Man battling Skeletor] He's back from the dead and he's pissed. [VOICE OVER] [child #2 in Skeletor voice] "So Jesus, we meet again... will you never learn that evil is stronger than good?" [child #1 in Jesus voice] "That may be, my unholy friend, but I know something even stronger!" [Jesus figure transforms into dinosaur] [child #2 in Skeletor voice] "No!... Jesusaurus!" [Dinosaur tramples Skeletor and than transforms back into Jesus figure] [ANNOUNCER] Mighty-Morphin'-Jesus transforms into Dino-Jesus and back with just a twist! Secret panel in Jesus' back holds water, manna, and grappling hook. (sold separately) Batteries not necessary. Also available, new Mighty-Morphin'-Moses and friends. Collect them all! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Well it's official, ladies and gentlemen. OJ Simpson won custody of his kids just last week. When asked if they were happy being back with dad, they both replied in unison: "We love it with dad! He lets us get away with murder!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The new line of Compaq personal computers has this new on-line help system, which gives detailed, step-by-step instructions for various tasks. Including installing memory. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ High on the bestseller lists recently is a book called "The Rules" a guide to dating and courting for women that effectively advocates women, in order to snag a man, follow a sexist and manipulative dating game based on the principles of 50 years ago. (Except that back then, the guys knew the women were playing this game and accounted for it.) What follows in the same vein is a counterpart, "The Rules for Guys." First, if you're not familiar with the book "The Rules" here is a summary of "The Rules" in the book, which you need to know to understand the satire. 1. Be a "creature unlike any other." 2. Don't talk to a man first (and don't ask him to dance). 3. Don't meet him halfway or go dutch with him on a date. 4. Don't call him and rarely return his phone calls. 5. Always end phone calls first. 6. Don't accept a Saturday night date after Wednesday. 7. Always end the date first. 8. Stop dating him if he doesn't buy you a romantic gift for your birthday or Valentines day. 9. Don't see him more than once or twice a week. 10. No more than casual kissing on the first date. 11. Don't tell him what to do. 12. Don't expect a man to change or try to change him. 13. Don't open up too fast. 14. Don't date a married man. 15. Be easy to live with. 16. Don't stare at men or talk too much. 17. Don't live with a man (or leave your things in his apartment). 18. Even if you're engaged or married, you still need the rules. 19. Do the Rules even when your friends or parents think you're nuts! 20. Be Smart and other rules for dating in high school. 21. Take Care of yourself and other Rules for dating in college. 22. Next! And other Rules for dealing with Rejection. 23. Don't discuss the Rules with your therapist. 24. Don't break the Rules. 25. Do the Rules and you'll live happily ever after. 26. Love only those who love you. by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider ----------------------- The Rules for Guys -------------------- by Elliot Feign and Sherman Schagged'er 1. Be a "creature unlike any other." However, in particular think in terms of "The Creature from the Black Lagoon" (Universal 1954), a dark monster that conquers her. Beauty and the Beast. Chicks love that shit. 2. Don't talk much to a girl (but do take her dancing.) She only wants to talk about relationships and girl stuff anyway. So take her dancing. They go nuts for this. Learn enough to get by and look cool, though you won't need it much after you have her hooked. In the meantime you can flirt with the other girls on the dance floor. 3. Pay her way on the date, but expect to get back in kind. Buy her a nice meal, so that she knows what she owes you in exchange for the meal. In addition, if you buy her a fancy schmancy $50 dinner at some ritzy place, she won't be able to turn down your request for a $300 "loan" until you can "get to the cash machine." Good investment. 4. Don't call her after sex. Make her wait a few days. Girls do this stare at the phone thing, makes them all anticipatory. Don't give them what they want. Call her in a couple of days or if you get horny again. Also, after sex, just roll over and go to sleep, even if she hasn't had an orgasm yet. You did a lot of work and you're tired, and *you* have important work to do tomorrow. 5. Always end phone calls first. Especially if she's read the Girl's Rules that tell her to do this, you won't have to worry about long phone calls. I mean girls can yak so *long* on the phone. 6. Don't give her any warning about a date. Make sure she stays free all the time in case you call. And more to the point, keep yourself free in case something comes up elsewhere, if you know what I mean. If you call and she's not available, act real hurt, make it seem like you will end the relationship if she does this a lot. 7. Tell her what she wants to hear (ie. Lie.) You like long walks on the beach. You love kids. You like to cook. You're looking to settle down in a country home with that one special girl. You love horses, paris, chick movies, sushi and Meryl Streep. You support her goals. Tell her you're rich, famous, whatever. She'll figure out the more ridiculous ones eventually but if you play this right you'll get laid first and have her captured. Don't be scared to eventually talk to her about "the relationship" -- girls go for this. Just be sure not to believe it yourself. 8. Stop dating her if she doesn't put out by the second date. Pretend like you're not super eager to get laid but drop the hint with gentle physical contact. It is nice to date easy chicks and all and get laid on the first date, but some of the hottest ones like to wait a date. However, if she doesn't at least give you a blowjob by date #2, #3 at the latest, there are better investments out there. On date #3, remind her of the "third date rule." 9. Tell her you love her. This is the big corallary of rule #7. Don't do it right away but definitely do it if she's showing reluctance on that blowjob. Practice saying it like you mean it. As the old saying goes, "Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that you've got it made." 10. No more than casual sex on the first, or 100th date. Definitely don't get too involved, as she might ask to be monogamous or something. Make sure that you never let yourself get tied down. 11. Tell her what to do. Hey, in the end they all want to be dominated. So make all the decisions and see how she goes for it. If so, you can probably get this to continue in the bedroom. No girl is perfect, but most of them like to please a man so you can change the one(s) you have to fit your needs. 12. Be the bad boy. Girls love the "bad boy." They hope they can "reform" him, or they're a case of point #11 above. Either way, you can be as bad as you like. Treat her like she doesn't exist. Be mysterious. Dangerous. Wear cuffs and a leather motorcycle jacket, even if you drive a Hyundai. (Park the Hyundai somewhere else and walk to where you meet her, though.) Remember, nice guys don't get laid. 13. Don't let her know anything she can pin on you. Girls like to get close to their guy, and "communicate." But later, if you break up, she might try and get back at you so for crissake don't let her know anything she could use or spread to others. Invent deep intimate stuff you can tell her in bed, she'll go for it. If you can't think up your own, buy one of those books with Fabio (the guy from the "I can't believe it's not butter" commercials) on the cover and be one of those guys. (God, this guy can't tell butter from margarine and chicks swoon over him? Something strange going on here.) 14. Don't tell her you're married! For some reason they get really upset. When you take off your ring, get some tanning lotion or put your hand under a sunlamp to make sure it's not visible where you took it off. Or tell your wife you just don't want to wear a ring; invent some sort of bizarre hand disease or rice picker accident. Anyway even the ones who haven't read the Girl's Rules don't want to date married guys so don't let her (or your wife) know. 15. Be a pain to live with. Well, this isn't a thing to so much try to do as a reminder to be yourself. If you shack up, don't alter your own life just to make it easier for her. One exception, which is admittedly a royal pain, but worth it -- put the toilet seat down after you take a wizz. She sees that and she'll think she's found god's gift to girls, and she'll give you better sex than a $300 hooker. Compare -- 5 seconds of your time each day to put down the seat vs. $300 blowjob. No brainer! 16. Don't get caught staring at her tits or other girls'. For some reason girls don't like it when we stare at their tits when we talk to them. And they don't like us staring at other girls' either. As if we have a choice! Anyway, they're watching for this so don't get caught. Check their eyes, then do your looking. 17. Don't let her leave your things in your apartment. Or give her a key, until you're sure you can count on her for very regular nookie. Otherwise they might try to insinuate themselves into your life before you are sure of this. 18. Even if you're engaged or married, you still can play around. I mean, do they own you or something? This rule is the most fun. 19. Do The Rules even when your friends or parents think you're nuts! Truth is, you're getting laid, and they are just jealous. 20. Don't give her the ring, but make her think you will -- or give her a fake ring. Drop hints and pretend like some day you want to be married to her, but don't actually do it. You can even get engaged if you want to lock in some regular pussy. There's no law that says you actually have to follow through with the ceremony. Plus, it takes an expert to tell cubic zirconia from a diamond, and if she takes her ring to an expert she clearly doesn't trust you and is a lost cause anyway. You can get one of these rings for about $100 and trust me you'll get a fuck worth far more than that out of it. 21. Double check the birth control. There's a trade off here. On one hand you don't want to use condoms, so get her on the pill ASAP. On the other hand if she runs the birth control she might blindside you with something annoying like a kid just to hook you. You decide. If she gets pregnant, take the new "morning-after" pill for guys. (It alters your blood type.) 22. Don't discuss _The Rules for Guys_ with girls. Like I need to explain this one to you? Do they explain their rules to us? Thought not. 22a. Don't discuss _The Rules for Guys_ with your therapist. Because if you have a therapist you've really missed the point of _The Rules for Guys_. 23. Figure out her romantic dream. Almost all girls have one. In 90% of cases it's the knight in shining armour, the handsome prince or the tall, dark and handsome mysterious stranger. Harlequin Romances isn't exactly growing broke selling girls books about how a guy comes into the girl's life and does something as simple as fixing her car to make her life right and sweeps her off her feet. You would be amazed at the "mileage" you can get just by taking her car down to the shop. Though if you can find a good mechanic, let me know, OK? Anyway, subtly find out her own personal romantic dream, and play-act it. On the cheap, of course -- you only have to play-act. While she may dream of a billionaire who whisks her away to his ranch in his jet, she'll settle for a $60 rental limo and a $40 1-hour rental horseback ride. 24. Sometimes ya gotta break The Rules. Hey, Burger King said it best. And it's a great place for a cheap date (use $4 from the $300 she "lent" you.) But in this case I mean you gotta break the Girl's Rules. 25. Do "The Rules" girls. Yes, you can! If you suspect that some really attractive girl is following "The Rules" for girls, take heart. I mean if she's a dog, lose her. But if she's got a great set or you have some other reason to particularly want her, you now know her exact game and can use it to get her. The book tells these girls to follow its rules religiously, even when they don't make sense. You will have to wait 6 dates, but the authors do tell girls over 30 it's OK to have sex, so they will. Forget young "The Rules" girls unless you are really keen on virgin-plucking. You only have to date 'em once a week -- if you date them Friday then you are free as a bird on Saturday; they'll end calls and dates; they won't call you when you have other girls over -- a lot of advantages, and as long as you see past all the manipulative "hard-to-get" tricks you won't be fooled, just laid. First, you have to check if she's a "The Rules" girl or just a stuck-up bitch. Sometimes it can be hard to differentiate them. Test this by first telling her how much you admire a girl who sticks to her principles, and then call her Thursday telling her you just got front-row Orchestra seats to the Boston Pops (a classical musical group) concert on Friday. If she says yes she's the stuck-up bitch. Say, "Did I say Boston Pops? I meant Iggy Pop!" and dump her. If she says a reluctant no, she's a "The Rules" girl. The book tells them never to accept a weekend date after Wednesday. Rush out to the bookstore to get a copy of "The Rules." You'll find it in the dating/relationships section. Since you've never gone near it before ask at the cashier's desk. When you get there you'll know why you've never been to this section before from the titles of the books. "Venus and Mars Together Forever." "Men who hate women and the women who love them too much." Like Dave Barry says I am not making this up. You're the only guy in weeks to go to this section other than to laugh at the titles, so if you're lucky some chick might even hit on you. But if not, go buy the book, and then read it. It's short. Now you'll know her exact game. Problem is, as noted, it will be 6 weeks until you get laid. Be sure you have something else on the side during those six weeks. But look at the advantages. Other than those noted above, you'll learn that she won't bring up crap like "marriage" or "kids" or "the relationship." She expects *you* to bring these things up. Soon the book will tell her to dump you. Track this, and make sure to start dating another "The Rules" girl before the breakup -- 6 weeks before the breakup if you can time it right. 26. Do _The Rules For Guys_ and you'll get laid. Don't forget this. You may be tempted to break them, to be "nice" or "sensitive" or even listen to her. But everybody knows that nice guys don't get laid. You want to be nice or in the sack? I thought so. (A satire by Brad Templeton, who in reality thinks both sets of rules are silly, even though they've been known to work, and that Men are from Earth and Women are from Earth too. It's quick-fix relationship books that are from other planets.) ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge looked down at the man and then at the charges and then down at the little man in amazement. "Can you tell me in your own words what happened?" asked the judge. "I'm a mathematician dealing in the nature of proof." said the man. "Yes go on." said the astounded judge. "Well. I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to take them out. They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one. So I went to the registration office and got in another line. And filled out my forms for another card. And got back in line for my card." "Yes go on." said the judge. "And he asked 'Can you prove you`re from New York City?' so I stabbed him." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ There are two gay men walking on the beach holding hands. They see a genie bottle lying in the sand. They open and the genie comes out. "Thank you thank you, I have been in there for a good 50 years," the genie looked them over and said, "oh god no your gay, put me back, you people wish for the worst things." "No," one of the men said, "we want our wishes, give us each one and you can go free." "ok," the genie replied, "go ahead." the first one wished for $10,000,000.00, poof there on the beach lay $10,000,000.00 - the other guy says, "mine is kinda embarrassing, mind if I whisper it to you?" "oh, go ahead," the genie replied. after the guy got through, the genie looked at him strange and said, "yeah, i can see how that would be embarrassing, go home and wait, at 9pm there will be a knock at the door, answer it, your wish will be granted." They went t home and waited, finally 9pm got there, there was a knock. They ran down stairs and flung the door open. Outside there were a bunch of men in white sheets with burning crosses, the leader of the group says, "which one of you SOB's wants to be hung like a nigger?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A truck driver was proceeding on the highway to deliver a truckload of black bowling balls when he spotted a [ethnic] boy next to the side of the road with a broken down bicycle. Feeling sorry for him, the truck driver stopped and offered to help by taking the boy to the nearest town so he could get the bike fixed. However, since there was no room in the truck's cab, the boy would have to ride in the back of the truck. The boy accepted and the truck driver loaded the boy and the bike into the back of the truck and off they went. Unfortunately, as luck would have it, the truck driver forgot about the boy and the bicycle in the back of the truck. When the truck driver arrived at the Canadian border, the guard questioned the truck driver regarding the contents of his truck. The driver replied that he was only carrying sporting goods. But, the border guard became suspicious and demanded to see the truck's contents. Upon opening the back of the truck, the border guard exclaimed, "It's just as I thought. You are trying to smuggle [ethnic] eggs into our country. Look, you have a whole truckload of [ethnic] eggs back here, and one of them has already hatched and stolen his first bicycle!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Msg Left By: THEODOR SEUSS GEISEL Picard: Sigma Indri, that's the star, So, Data, please, how far? How far? Data: Our ship can get there very fast But still the trip will last and last We'll have two days til we arrive But can the Indrans there survive? Picard: LaForge, please give us factor nine. LaForge: But, sir, the engines are offline! Picard: Offline! But why? I want to go! Please make it so, please make it so! Riker: But sir, if Geordi says we can't, We can't, we mustn't, and we shan't, The danger here is far too great! Picard: But surely we must not be late! Troi: I'm sensing anger and great ire. Computer: Alert! Alert! The ship's on fire! Picard: The ship's on fire? How could this be? Who lit the fire? Riker: Not me. Worf: Not me. Picard: Computer, how long til we die? Computer: Eight minutes left to say goodbye. Data: May I suggest a course to take? We could, I think, quite safely make Extinguishers from tractor beams And stop the fire, or so it seems... Geordi: Hurray! Hurray! You've saved the day! Again I say, Hurray! Hurray! Picard: Mr. Data, thank you much. You've saved our lives, our ship, and such. Troi: We still must save the Indran planet-- Data: Which (by the way) is made of granite... Picard: Enough, you android. Please desist. We understand--we get your gist. But can we get our ship to go? Please, make it so, PLEASE make it so. Geordi: There's sabotage among the wires And that's what started all the fires. Riker: We have a saboteur? Oh, no! We need to go! We need to go! Troi: We must seek out the traitor spy And lock him up and ask him why? Worf: Ask him why? How sentimental. I say give him problems dental. Troi: Are any Romulan ships around? Have scanners said that they've been found? Or is it Borg or some new threat We haven't even heard of yet? I sense no malice in this crew. Now what are we supposed to do? Crusher: Captain, please, the Indrans need us. They cry out, "Help us, clothe us, feed us!" I can't just sit and let them die! A doctor MUST attempt--MUST try! Picard: Doctor, please, we'll get there soon. Crusher: They may be dead by Tuesday noon. *COMMERCIAL BREAK, COMMERCIAL BREAK HOW LONG WILL THESE DUMB ADS TAKE?* Worf: The saboteur is in the brig. He's very strong and very big. I had my phaser set on stun-- A zzzip! A zzzap! Another one! He would not budge, he would not fall, He would not stun, no, not at all! He changed into a stranger form All soft and purple, round and warm. Picard: Did you see this, Mr. Worf? Did you see this creature morph? Worf: I did and then I beat him fairly. Hit him on the jaw--quite squarely. Riker: My commendations, Klingon friend! Our troubles now are at an end! Crusher: Now let's get our ship to fly And orbit yonder Indran sky! Picard: LaForge, please tell me we can go...? Geordi: Yes, sir, we can. Picard: Then make it so! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ "The Song That Launched a Thousand Cruise Ships," NY Times Week in Review, 9/1/96, p. 2. You know a song has been around the block when the Vice President threatens to dance to it on national television and happy delegates to the Democratic and Republican conventions have already given themselves up to it on the floor. Since 1993, when the Macarena first came out in Spain, it has topped the charts in Europe, Latin America and the United States. It has also taken its place among all the popular songs in the world that are mouthed by millions who haven't the foggiest idea of what they're singing. The Macarena began when a Venezuelan flamenco dancer so dazzled the Spainish singer Antonio Romero that he yelled out: "Dale a tu cuerpo alegr¡a, Macarena!" (Give your body joy, Macarena!) and then egged her on: "Que tu cuerpo es par dar alegr¡a y cosa buena!" (Your body is to be given joy and good things!) More risqu‚ lyrics and a pulsing beat followed, and an international phenomenon was born. Since then, the song has sparked a line dance craze that shows no signs of letting up. There are "Macarena nights" at ballparks. At weddings and on cruise ships, it's a staple. Though there are various versions of the song, including the popular Bayside Boys disco remix, the original song is by the Seville flamenco duo Los Del Rio, Mr. Romero and Rafael Ruiz. By the way, Macarena is not only a woman's name but the name of one of Seville's oldest neighborhoods. But in the song she is nothing but a vain girl who wants to cheat on her boyfriend. What could be more a appropriate song for a political convention or, for that matter, a wedding? For all those who are dancing without comprehension, here is a translation of the Spainish lyrics, with some allowances for slang. "The Macarena" (Chorus) Give your body joy, Macarena. Your body is to be given joy and good things. Give your body joy, Macarena. Hey, Macarena. Macarena has a boyfriend Whose last name is Vitorino. (1) And while he was pledging the flag (2) She was cheating with two friends. (Repeat chorus) Macarena, Macarena, Macarena, Who likes the summers of Marbella. Macarena, Macarena, Macarena, You like to party hard. (Repeat chorus) Macarena dreams of El Corte Ingl‚s (3) And she buys the latest fashions. She would like to live in New York And catch a new boyfriend. (Repeat chorus) --------------------------------------------- (1) Vitorino is the name of a well-known bull breeder in Spain. (2) To pledge the flag is to be sworn in for military duty. (3) El Corte Ingl‚s is the name of a popular department store. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ An indian goes into the general store and says, "Me need toilet paper." The proprietor replies "I have Charmin for $6 for four rolls, or I have No-name for 4$ for four rolls." The indian decides "Me take No-name." Two weeks later, the indian returns to the store. He says, "Me have name for No-name toilet paper." "What's is it?" the clerk asks. "John Wayne," says the indian. "Why John Wayne?" the clerk asks. "Because it rough, tough, and take no shit off indian." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Schubert's Productivity A company president was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony. Since she was unable to go, she passed the invitation to the company's Quality Assurance Manager. The next morning, the president asked him how he enjoyed it, and, instead of a few plausible observations, she was handed a memorandum which read as follows; 1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity. 2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplication, and the staff of this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is really required, this could be obtained through the use of an amplifier. 3. Much effort was involved in playing the demi-semiquavers. This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver. If this were done, it would be possible to use trainees instead of craftsmen. 4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes. In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given attention to these matters, he probably would have had the time to finish his symphony. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Fly the Friendly Skies An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was re booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "(Expletive) you." Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too." The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The lost traveller was crawling across the desert for the third straight day with out water looking for an oasis when he saw a tiny speck coming towards him from the horizon. It got closer and closer until the thirsty traveller could see that it was a man with a suitcase. 'Water,' cried the traveller. 'For pity's sake -- water.' 'I'm sorry,' said the man, opening his case, 'I don't have any, but can I sell you a tie?' 'No,' said the traveller. 'Are you sure?' 'Yes, I'm sure,' said the traveller and crawled on. Just over the next sand dune, he came upon a lovely oasis with a pool of beautiful, cool water, and standing at the gate of the oasis was a doorman. 'Water! Water!' croaked the parched traveller. 'I must have water.' The doorman began to open the gate, but then he stopped and closed it. 'I'm sorry, sir' he said, 'I can't let you in without a tie.' ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Some hostile Indians finally captured the Lone Ranger and told him that they were going to execute him. They decided that since he was such a great adversary, they would grant him one last wish. When told this, the Lone Ranger whistled loudly, and from out of nowhere galloped his horse Silver. The Lone Ranger whispered something in the horse's ear, and the horse took off a great speed. The Indians were curious and waited to see what happened. Sure enough, about half an hour later, Silver appeared with a gorgeous woman on his back, and he dropped her off in front of the Lone Ranger. So impressed were the Indians that they untied the Lone Ranger, showed him to a tee pee, and let him do as he pleased. A few hours later, the Lone Ranger exited very tired and barely able to stand up. The Indians decided that they would let him regain his strength and execute him the next day. But the next day came, and the Indians were absolutely amazed at the previous day's spectacle, that they decided to again grant the Lone Ranger one last wish. Again, he whistled for Silver, Silver appeared, the Lone Ranger whispered something in his ear, the horse took off and brought back an even more beautiful woman. Flabbergasted, the Indians again let the Lone Ranger have some privacy with the woman in a tee pee, and again, he was nearly exhausted afterward, unable to walk. Another day passed, and the Indians decided they needed to see what would happen, so they granted him yet another wish. Again, the Lone Ranger whistled for Silver, and when the horse appeared, the Lone Ranger grabbed him by the neck and yelled at him, "I *said* bring me a goddamn posse!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ "PRIZE ROOSTER BREWSTER" My uncle was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs. My uncle kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced. Now this took an awful lot of time. So when my uncle saw a set of eight tiny bells that each rang a different tone he promptly bought them. He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn't ring except when violently shaken. Hung a bell on each rooster's neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep. Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter. My uncle's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine cock he was - and his bell did not ring all morning. Uncle went to investigate. Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Uncle was so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation. They not only awarded him the No Bell prize but also the Pullet Surprize. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Start Rekk: ------------------------------------------------------------------------- TOP TEN TREK TRANSPORTER MALFUNCTION EPISODES WE HAVEN'T SEEN (YET): 10. An AWAY team disappears and the mystery isn't solved until it is discovered that Ensign Scott, who entered the coordinates into the transporter, is dyslexic. 9. During an ion storm, Worf is beamed up but finds himself a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away---"Star Worf." 8. Worf is accidentally beamed through an improbability field and turns into a bowl of petunias. Troi can sense only one thought from him (which also happens to be the episode title): "Oh No, Not Again." 7. A short circuit causes the transporter system to shrink the AWAY team to microscopic size and be transported into Geordi's visor -- "A Beam in Geordi's Eye." 6. Static interference with the transporter system causes the AWAY team to instantly age 50 years. Since de-aging people is now standard procedure of the Enterprise, this episode is fixed before the credits start. The rest of the episode consists of a discussion on why shields always fail--"Staff Meeting." 5. A subspace disturbance affects the transporter, causing a genetic alteration in Captain Picard which makes his nose grow even longer--"Picarnocchio." 4. While testing a new transporter system, O'Brian doesn't notice a fly on the transporter pad with him. The Enterprise is then boarded by a horde of copyright lawyers. 3. A power surge as Data is being beamed sends him back to 1985 on Earth. It also short circuits his positronic circuits, so he believes that he must kill a woman named Sarah Conner--"Termidata." 2. Data, Troi, and Riker have their signals scrambled together by a computer error and become one being: A logical first officer with psychic power--"Mindmeld." AND THE NUMBER ONE TRANSPORTER MALFUNCTION EPISODE WE HAVEN'T SEEN (YET): 1. Troi and Worf are beaming up from a planet when an ionic pulse disrupts the beam. Troi is okay, but Worf is split into seven small, bearded men, each with a diffrent dominant trait--"Troi White and the Seven Worfs." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- TOP TEN REASONS FOR WHY Q AND AMANDA LOOKED SO LARGE RELATIVE TO THE ENTERPRISE: 10. The Walt Disney reason: It's a small ship after all. 9. The George Bush reason: It's the fault of the Democrats in Congress. 8. The Bill Clinton reason: I didn't see the episode. If I did see it it was only once, and I didn't notice anything wrong with it. 7. The "Dallas" reason: Dr. Crusher is dreaming this whole season. 6. The Monty Python reason: It's only a model. 5. The Oliver Stone Reason: Ask yourself, qui bono? Who benefits if TNG's special effects aren't good? Babylon 5, that's who, and the CIA, and the Mafia, and the Illuminati. 4. Another Bill Clinton reason: I knew all along there was something wrong with the proportion. And it's not surprising, after 12 years of Reaganomics. 3. Some unexplained reason: John DeLancia and Olivia D'Abo are big stars. 2. The Rick Moranis reason: Honey, I shrunk the ship. Or is it, Honey, I blew up the Qs. AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON FOR WHY Q AND AMANDA LOOKED SO LARGE RELATIVE TO THE ENTERPRISE: 1. The H. Ross Perot reason: It's irrelavant. Let's try to keep things in perspective, okay? Can we focus on the issues for just a moment here? While you've been reading this list, the deficit's grown by another 430 million quatlons. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Worf: Shoot it. Picard: Let's talk to it. Riker: Screw it. Data: I do not understand it. Geordi: I can fix it. Q: I could do it better. Borg: Assimilate it. Kirk: Has anyone seen my hair? ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Have you ever noticed the similarities between some TV shows? The U.S.S. Enterprise The Love Boat --------------------- ------------- Bald Captain Bald Captain Young Wesley is related to a Young Vicki is related to a crewmember and works on the ship crewmember and works on the ship Ship's doctor is a main character Ship's doctor is a main character Troi, ship's counselor is sexy, Julie the cruise director is sexy, but annoying but annoying Actors stand in front of screen, Actors stand in front of screen, upon which is projected upon which is projected background background of open space of open sea A dumping ground for second-rate A dumping ground for second-rate washed-up guest stars washed-up guest stars Going to strange new worlds Going to strange new ports-of-call Cheesy opening song Cheesy opening song Too many scenes of self-indulgent Too many scenes of self-indulgent crap in the holodeck crap in the lounge Socially retarded character with Socially retarded character with job description for name (Data) job description for name (Gopher) In late-night syndication In late-night syndication Bad 2-hour pilot Bad 2-hour pilot Enterprise has shuttlecrafts and Love Boat has lifeboats and detaching saucer section flotation devices Scenes linked by ship shots Scenes linked by ship shots One character inexplicably One character inexplicably replaced then returned (Crusher) replaced, then returned (Julie) After-the-fact bed scenes with After-the-fact bed scenes with pointless discussion pointless discussion Captain straightens uniform when Captain straightens uniform when disgusted/angry/nervous disgusted/angry/nervous Final scene takes place on trans- Final scene takes place on loading porter; crew waves good-bye dock; crew waves good-bye Gene Roddenberry ruled with iron Aaron Spelling rules with iron fist, annoying die-hard fans fist, annoying die-hard fans At conventions, everyone is At conventions, everyone is dressed like Mr. Spock dressed like Dr. Adam Bricker Captain Picard has useless Isaac the Bartender has useless gesture, pointing slightly gesture, pointing slightly forward forward Intercrew friction always Intercrew friction always resolved within allotted 1 hour resolved within allotted 1 hour time slot time slot ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ COMPUTERIZED NEWSLETTER: They're know miss steaks in this newsletter cause we used special soft wear witch checks you're spelling. It is mower or lass a weigh to verify. How ever is can knot correct arrows in punctuation ore usage: an it will not fined words witch are miss used butt spelled rite. Four example; a paragraph could have mini flaws but wood bee past by the spell checker. And it wont catch the sentence fragment which you. Their fore, the massage is that proofreading is knot eliminated, it is still berry much reek wired. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ THE LEAST SUCCESSFUL ROUND THE WORLD CYCLIST Mr. Michael Murphy, a 22-year-old draftsman from Stevenage in Hertfordshire, set off in August 1975 to cycle round the world. During the next two years he was robbed by Yugoslavian peasants, stoned by tribesmen in the Khyber Pass and nearly froze to death in a blizzard. When he finally arrived back in England in April 1977, he had only to collect his bike at Heathrow Airport and cycle the last 40 miles home. After 25,000 miles he confidently expected to make it back to Stevenage. His hopes were crushed, as was his bicycle, by a conveyor belt joining the plane to the customs hall. He had to hitch a lift home. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ €€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€ | o | | o | | Definition of a Twit | | o | ---------- -- - ---- | o | | | | o | It does NOT necessarily reflect the opinions of any Sysops. | o | | | | o | o Twits can't READ or COUNT. This is evidenced by their total | o | | inability to comprehend System Rules, or Upload/Download | | o | Ratio's. But, for some strange reason, they can still use a | o | | computer. | | o | | o | | Because of this handicap, most Twits are unemployed. It is a | | o | miracle that most of them haven't been retained by the State | o | | to pick up trash on the expressways. They'd gladly volunteer | | o | for it, if it could be done with a modem and they were called | o | | "Remote-Trash Downloaders". | | o | | o | | o Twits feel that the proper way to leave a board is to drop | | o | the carrier. They do this because they don't want to waste | o | | their valuable time exiting via the "Goodbye" command, when | | o | they could spend that time calling another board. | o | | | | o | o Twits NEVER leave messages, unless it is rude, crude, or | o | | socially unacceptable. If an exception to this exists, it | | o | will probably be a creative one-liner such as | o | | | | o | "Hi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" | o | | | | o | Twits rarely reply to messages. Unless they enter a one-liner | o | | such as the one above. | | o | | o | | o Twits NEVER communicate with SysOps, unless it is to ask WHY | | o | such and such file is unavailable, demand access to the | o | | "Private Area's", or gripe about something. Mail from the | | o | SysOp is considered to be the electronic equivalent of | o | | "Junk-Mail", and should be ignored. In fact, there should be | | o | some form of law to stop it from being written. | o | | | | o | o Twits NEVER pay for access to a computer system. They see | o | | themselves as latter-day "Robin-Hoods", taking from the rich | | o | (SysOps) and giving to the Poor (Themselves). Their motto: | o | | "If it isn't free, it isn't worth having." | | o | | o | | o Twits NEED multiple user names and logon passwords on each | | o | board they call. This is the measure of their Twit-dom, and | o | | reflects their true status in the Twit-community. A Twit | | o | with only ONE user name and logon password per board is a | o | | FAILURE, & faces censure and possible expulsion from their | | o | peer group. (It is no wonder that Twits exhibit schizo- | o | | tendancies). | | o | | o | | o Twits know EVERYTHING. Just ask them. But, it'd take a | | o | crowbar and dynamite to get any useful information out of | o | | them. These self-professed "experts" will RARELY stoop so | | o | low as to assist someone who may genuinely need some help. | o | | After all, a REAL "hacker" never needs or asks for help. | | o | | o | | o A Twit would not be caught dead using their REAL NAME when | | o | calling a BBS. In fact, Twits refuse to leave anything more | o | | involved than a handle when registering with a BBS. | | o | (EVERYONE knows who "Slinky Toy" is!!!) | o | | | | o | The ONLY exception to this rule is that they will often use | o | | SOMEONE ELSE's real name. Or, they may use the name of a | | o | Heavy-Metal rock & roll group. (Imagine a system where | o | | everyone is named "Guns&Roses") | | o | | o | | o Twits NEVER register their Shareware. Cash is what they use | | o | to buy faster modems. Program Authors are neurotic- | o | | compulsives, and if they did not serve a purpose, Twits | | o | would have them abolished completely. | o | | | | o | o Twits ADORE Sprint, MCI, and other long-distance credit card | o | | numbers, IF they belong to someone else. This also applies to | | o | COMPUSERV, SOURCE, etc. Their motto is: "If you can't steal | o | | it, it can't be much fun". | | o | | o | | o A Twit is a "BBS Connoisseur". They KNOW which BBS software | | o | is BEST and how your system SHOULD look and run. They will | o | | not hesitate to inform you if it fails to meet their | | o | demanding and rigid expectations. (They consider this a | o | | "Public Service") However, they would NEVER trouble | | o | themselves to run their OWN bbs. That might take valuable | o | | time away from their duties as "Remotes" on the boards they | | o | spend all their waking moments calling. | o | | | | o | o Twits LOVE to page the SysOp, often just for the sheer hell | o | | of it. They are most fond of "Late-Night" paging. This is the | | o | perfect time for them to explain the infallable logic as to | o | | why they should be given Remote-SysOp access to your system. | | o | Their second most favored reason for wanting to chat is "Just | o | | checking to see if you were THERE!" | | o | | o | | o Twits cannot comprehend WHY the IBM program they just | | o | downloaded won't run on their Atari 800. After all, programs | o | | are programs, right? And, any fool knows that a 32K machine | | o | can hold a 200K program. | o | | | | o | o Twits can't TOLERATE seeing a command that they can't use. | o | | Their motto is "try, try again". If it didn't work the first | | o | time, it HAS to work on the second, third, fourth, etc. No | o | | self-respecting SysOp would intentionally offer them anything | | o | less than TOTAL ACCESS. | o | | | | o | o Twits are FASCINATED by DOS. Their quest for it rivals the | o | | search for the legendary "Holy-Grail". They MUST reach it, | | o | through their modem, or all is lost. What they would do with | o | | it if they reached it, is probably a lot like what a dog who | | o | chases cars would would do with one if he managed to catch it. | o | | (Pee on the tires?) | | o | | o | | o Twits are totally ENGROSSED by hardware. They can conceive of | | o | the most unorthodox, outrageous, and potentially lethal | o | | | contraptions known on Earth. Occasionally, these "time-bombs" | | o | actually work. Any difficulties they experience with their | o | | computers will fall under the heading of "Miscegenation", or | | o | "Poetic Justice". | o | | | | o | o Twits CRAVE the LATEST version of "Goober-Pods", or | o | | "Space-Weenies". To reward the SysOp for access to such mega- | | o | byte gems, they will upload VALUABLE and USEFUL programs in | o | | return. Such as "Weasel-Stompers" for the Commodore-64, | | o | providing it is less than 10K in size. | o | | | | o | o A Twit NEVER uses applications programs, and NEVER writes | o | | programs. (Programs are what Twits DOWNLOAD, and most can | | o | just BARELY write or spell) Their motto: "If you don't need | o | | a joystick to play it, it isn't worth having". | | o | | o | | o A real Twit will FLATLY REFUSE to use ANY compression method | | o | on files they intend to upload. After all, SysOps sit and | o | | twiddle their thumbs waiting on something to do, and should | | o | be GRATEFUL that they get ANY uploads, EVER! They also refuse | o | | to upload documentation. (It is crutch for weak minds and the | | o | hallmark of the Geek) | o | | | | o | o Twits SUFFER if there are no "NEW" files on the system. There | o | | may be a correlation between "NEW" files and Twits, much as | | o | there is one which exists between dog-excrement and flies. | o | | The only difference is that flies usually leave after eating | | o | their fill. Twits don't. | o | | | | o | o Twits desperately NEED to become Remote-Sysops. They KNOW | o | | that EVERYONE else on the system has SysOp capabilities, and | | o | don't want to be excluded from all the fun! (Are all Twits | o | | created equal?) | | o | | o | | o Twits think that the "Caps Lock" key must be activated in | | o | order to properly leave a message on a board. They think | o | | that their message is of such great importance that it must | | o | be screamed at everyone. | o | | | | o | o Occasionally an above average Twit who discovers that | o | | modeming can be a two way street will attempt to get around | | o | upload\download ratios by renaming the same program fifteen | o | | or twenty times and using it to fill the sysop's hard disk | | o | with redundant programs. After all, rules were meant to be | o | | broken, right? | | o | | o | | o Twits only know two keys : F to Flag and D to download. | | o | Since they can be typed with one hand that leaves the other | o | | hand free to pick their noses once they get done scratching | | o | their butts. Some Twits have developed the skill of using | o | | a mouse to click on these options, such advanced motor | | o | skills in the Twit species baffles anthropologists. | o €€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€€ ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A Mother and daughter were sitting at the table having a conversation one day, when the daughter say's " Mom, I'm thinking of getting a divorce!" The mother, astonished say's "What are you talking about! You have a penthouse in New York, A house in Florida, a big car, furs, and anything else you want! Why would you want to divorce your wonderful husband?" "Well Mom, you see, when I got married, I had a rear end the size of a dime, but now thanks to my husband, my rear end is the size of a half dollar!" The mother retorts "So for forty cents, you want a divorce?!!!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The following was extracted without prior permission from the August 22 edition of Far Eastern Economic Review: Longhair got on a Redline bus at India Gate, New Delhi. The bus conductor took an instant dislike to him, and ejected him from the bus with excessive roughness and incivility. This happened right in front of all the passengers, none of whom said a word in the poor guy's defense. In fact they laughed. Longhair (no one knows his real name) went off without a word. But two days later, he was back at the same bus stop, at the same time of the day. This time with a crowd of friends. He hopped on and off every Redline bus that approached the stop, scanning it for the conductor who had humiliated him. Eventually he found him. Longhair and his friends - all of whom were as hirsute as he - jumped on the man and beat him, eventually driving him from his bus. The conductor dived into an unlocked parked car, rolling up the windows and locking the doors. The gang surrounded the car. There was a stalemate for a while. The Longhair approached a nearby policeman, tapped him on the elbow and pointed to the car. The officer, curious about the whole scene, strolled over to the car and asked the man to open the door. As soon as the door was opened, the gang grabbed hold of the man, slapped him around, before dusting their hands and disappearing into the crowded streets, chattering happily. Now there is nothing particularly unusual about this story.......except for the fact that Longhair and his friends were all monkeys. For in-depth News on business in Asia, just point and click at Far Eastern Economic Review's excellent site which may be found at: http://www.feer.com ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ After having oral sex one night, the next morning a man turned up for his dentist appointment. After going through the usual examinations: Dentist: Ummm....you've been having oral sex, haven't you? Patient: What? You must be really good, doc, how did you know? Was it the odor of my mouth? Dentist: No...... Patient: Then it must be that there's hair stuck between my teeth, right? Dentist: No...... Patient: Then what is it that gave me away? Dentist: You've got shit up your nose. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ *** APPLICANT SPEAK "I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:" I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks. "I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:" I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do. "I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:" I've used Microsoft Office. "I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:" I pilfer office supplies. "MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:" I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had. "I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:" I blame others for my mistakes. "I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED:" I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room. "I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:" I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly. "I'M PERSONABLE:" I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers. "I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:" As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better. "I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:" I carry a Day-Timer. "MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:" You're probably looking for someone more experienced. "I AM ADAPTABLE:" I've changed jobs a lot. "I AM ON THE GO:" I'm never at my desk. "I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:" The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there. "I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:" I'm a college drop-out. "I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS:" I've been accused of sexual harassment. "THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:" Wait! Don't throw me away! "I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:" Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ As flight attendants, my partner and I are asked all sorts of questions. Once, shortly after takeoff, a passenger asked how much it would cost to use the airphone. "It's $2.50 for the first minute," my partner replied, "and $2 for every minute thereafter." "You don't understand," said the passenger. "This is a local call." --- One of my customers at the Department of Motor Vehicles wanted a personalized license plate with his wedding anniversary on it. As we completed the paper work he explained, "This way I can't forget the date." A few hours later, I recognized the same young man waiting in my line. When his turn came, he said somewhat sheepishly, "I need to change the numbers on that plate application." --- A partner in the law firm where I used to work was expecting an urgent call from a British client. He asked the receptionist to forward the call to the conference room, where several lawyers were discussing the client's case. When the receptionist buzzed the conference room, the partner asked her, "Is it from abroad?" "No, sir!" the startled receptionist replied, "I think it's a gentleman." --- As the manager of our hospital's softball team, I was responsible for returning equipment to the proper owners at the end of the season. When I walked into the surgery department carrying a bat that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed several patients and their families in a waiting area. "Look, honey," one man said to his wife. "Here comes your anesthesiologist." --- People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs. --- The plants I had ordered from a catalogue were delivered in sad shape. However, the planting guide that accompanied them cheered me up: "Many plants may appear lifeless and wilted on arrival. You'd droop, too, if you spent a few days boxed up traveling from our nursery to your doorstep." --- There are no new sins -- the old ones just get more publicity. --- After viewing a television program on which I had been interviewed, I was upset by how I looked. "Am I that ugly?" I asked my husband. He was quiet for a moment and then said, "I recognized you." --- It was raining when I left the beauty salon, so my beautician gave me a plastic bag to put over my head to protect my coiffure. When I arrived home, my husband commented, "You spend four hours, and $80 at the hairdresser and you come in with a bag over your head?" --- Eight months pregnant, I felt awkward and unattractive. Looking for some comfort, I asked my husband if I had that certain glow that expectant mothers were said to have. "Well, you have a shape like a light bulb," he replied. "Does that count?" --- One night after dinner my family decided to go for a walk, and I asked my husband if I looked okay. He replied: "You look great honey. Besides, it's going to be dark soon." --- The long-winded lecturer had been holding forth for more than an hour, except for brief pauses from time to time to gulp a hasty drink of water. Finally, during one such intermission, an old man in the audience leaned toward his neighbor and announced in an audible whisper: "First time I ever saw a windmill run by water!" --- A zen master invited one of his students over to his house for afternoon tea. They talked for awhile, and then the time came for tea. The teacher poured the tea into the student's cup. Even after the cup was full, he continued to pour. The cup overflowed and tea spilled out onto the floor. Finally the student said, "Master, you must stop pouring; the tea is overflowing -- it's not going into the cup." The teacher replied, "That's very observant of you. And the same is true with you. If you are to receive any of my teachings, you must first empty out what you have in your mental cup." Moral: We need the ability to unlearn what we know. --- A man ran for sheriff in a small Western town, but he received a sound beating at the polls, getting a mere 125 votes out of a total of 32,000. The next day he walked down the main street with two guns hanging from his belt. Confronted by a group of puzzled and indignant citizens, he was asked, "See here, you have no right to carry those guns. After all you aren't the one who was elected sheriff." "Listen here, my friends," he said, "a man with no more friends than I've got in this community needs to carry a gun." --- A small boy with four little puppies for sale had been exhibiting them for quite some time at a large Democratic convention in a Midwestern city when he was approached by one of the delegates who asked: "Are those Democratic pups, son?" "Yes, sir," replied the boy. "Well, then," said the man, "I'll take these two." About a week later the Republicans held a meeting at the same place, and among the crowd was seen the same boy with his two remaining small dogs. He tried for hours to obtain a purchaser but without luck. Finally he was approached by a Republican, who asked, "Son, what kind of pups are these?" "They're Republican, sir," was the prompt reply. The Democrat who had bought the first two happened to be within hearing and spoke up to the lad: "See, here, you young rascal, didn't you tell me those pups I bought from you last week were Democratic pups?" "Y-e-s, sir," replied the young merchant, "but these ain't -- they've got their eyes open!" --- "What is a diplomat?" asked the teacher. "A person who goes about making speeches," answered the five- year-old. "Fair, but not quite correct," said the teacher. "I myself sometimes make speeches, but I am not a diplomat." "I know," returned the youngster, smiling brightly, "a diplomat makes good speeches." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A man dies and due to his evil and sinful life goes to hell. The devil himself meets him at the gates of Hell and tells him,"I don't know what all you've heard up there, but Hell isn't all that bad a place." "Let me ask you, do you like to smoke?" The man answers,"Yes, I do" "Oh, good then", the devil says, "You'll LOVE Mondays. Every Monday we all sit around and smoke cigarettes, cigars, pipes, try out new types of tobacco. You'll love Mondays... Do you like to drink?" The man answers, "Yea, sure,I like to drink." The devil says,"Good, you'll love Tuesdays then. All we do on Tuesdays is sit around and drink beer, wine, and all kinds of different mixed drinks." "You'll just love Tuesdays. Do you like to swear?" "Sure," says the man, "I swear a lot." "Great then. you'll love Wednesdays." The devil says, "On Wednesdays, all we do is sit around and swear a lot, we try to make up new cuss words, and have a great time, you'll just love Wednesdays." "Oh, by the way", asks the devil, "Are you GAY?" "Hell no", the man replys, "I hate Fags!" The devil looks at him, and says, "Then you're gonna HATE Thursdays." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A man named Perry was on his death bed. He was 31 years of age and the doctors had given him 3 weeks to live 5 months before. The pain of the cancer was too intense for words. His sister showed up and asked him what he would do to make the pain go away. Thinking she meant euthanasia, he said "anything" She smuggled him out of the hospital and took him to a revival meeting being held in N.Y. The preacher prayed at him, and a miracle happened. His pain went away. The preacher was very firm and told Perry that he had to go do a doctor and have a checkup. The next day in the hospital, Perry was up and around. The doctor was amazed and did a check up. He found no cancer except for a benign tumor about the size of a pea. After a battery of tests, the baffled doctors let Perry go home. Having a reprieve from his sentence of death, Perry takes the $16,000 he had saved for his funeral, and buys an airline ticket to Europe. There are so many things he wants to do before he dies, and the first is to see the world. He starts keeping a log of his new life. The next day his taxi is stuck in traffic. He can't believe that he is going to miss his flight. But again, a miracle happens. His flight had been held, and he makes it to the plane just in time. Happy that his new life is working so well, he adds another entry into his log. "July 17, 1996 - My New Life I can't believe that I have been given another chance at life. A week ago I should have been dead, and today I'm off to Paris, on TWA Flight 800..." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The First Day RICHARD JORDON In the beginning there was nothing, absolutely nothing. No mass, no atomic particles, no Big Macs. There was darkness, there was quiet, and there was nothing. Now some of you readers might be geeky, wormy little philosophy majors who will argue that the existence of 'nothing' and 'darkness' and 'quiet' means that something did indeed exist. Get a life! God said there was "nothing" and that's the end of that argument. So we start our story with nothing. Nothing, that is, until the alarm clock went off... It buzzed obnoxiously for an awfully long time and still there was nothing but darkness and obnoxious buzzing. Eventually God rolled over in his waterbed and put his arm over his eyes. He sighed deeply and his hangover worked its way up to his head. "Shit!" he exclaimed as he rolled onto his side, zapped the obnoxious alarm clock into nothingness and then went back to sleep. So ended the first day of Creation, Amen! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ HOW TO TELL IF YOU MIGHT BE A HIGH-TECH REDNECK: If your e-mail address ends in over.yonder.com If you connect to the world wide web via a Down Home Page. If the bumper sticker on your truck says my other computer is a laptop. If your laptop sticker says 'Protected by Smith & Wesson'. If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone. If your baseball cap reads DEC instead of CAT. If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined. If your wife said either she or the computer has to go and you still don't miss her. If you've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on. If you refer to your computer as Ole Bessy. If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor or farm animal. If you start all your e-mails with the words 'Howdy Y'all'. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A lady tourist, admiring an Indian's necklace, asked him, "What are you wearing around your neck?" "Alligator teeth," the Indian answered. After recovering from her initial shock, the lady said, "Well, I suppose that they hold the same meaning for you as pearls do for us." "Not quite," he answered. "Anybody can open an oyster." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Stories we missed: *CROAKER COLLEGE: A HOPPENING SCHOOL FOR SHOW BIZ FROGS....Sun *PSYCHIC LOBSTER EARS GAMBLER $4 MILLION!....Weekly World News *OOPS! COCONUT FALLS OFF HOLY MAN'S HEAD AFTER HE BALANCED IT FOR 14 YEARS!....Weekly World News *3-ARMED BASEBALL PLAYER COMING TO AMERICA....Weekly World News *HEADLESS MAN FOUND IN TOPLESS BAR *STUDY SAYS PROSTITUTE PROBLEM IS MOUNTING *MILK DRINKERS TURN TO POWDER *TREES BREAK WIND ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A professor asked a student to remain for a few moments after class. Holding out the young man's assignment, the professor said, "Did you write this poem all by yourself?" The student said, "Every word of it." The professor said, "Well, then, I'm glad to meet you, Mr. Poe. I thought you were long dead!" ........ Money may not be everything, but it sure keeps the kids writing to you! One college kid wrote home, "Dear folks, I've been worried sick because I haven't heard from you. Please send me a check so I'll know you're okay." ........ And...another college student wrote a letter home: "Dear folks, I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy. I have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me. Your son, Marvin. P.S....I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up in the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed to God that I could get it back. But I was too late." A few days later he received a letter from his father. It said, "Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came!" ........ And this request was by phone: A college student calls up his parents. "I need another two hundred dollars." At the other end, his father says, "I can't hear you." The boy SHOUTS, "Two hundred. I need two hundred!" "I can't hear you." The operator cuts in, "I can hear him." The father says, "Good. YOU send him the money!" ........ The professor announced: This test will be conducted on the honor system. Please take seats three apart and in alternate rows. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ One young gangster joined the mob. He'd decided to follow in his father's fingerprints. ........ One counterfeiter got caught because he'd been making money too long...about an inch and a half too long. ........ "How's Marie the waitress?" "She's dead." "Dead?" "She died from herpes." "You don't die from herpes." "You do if you give it to big Louie!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Four old cowboys are having a discussion about what is the fastest thing in the world. First cowboy says, "I believe it's thinking, 'cause when you prick your finger or touch a flame, the pain instantly becomes thought and hits the brain." Second cowboy says, "Well, I think its blinking. When you blink and open your eyes again, you immediately see everything. Nothing is changed." Third cowboy says, "Well, I think it's light, 'cause as soon as you press that light switch, you go from dark to instant light." Fourth cowboy says, "Well, I think its the Mexican-two-step diarrhea." All the others ask simultaneously, "Diarrhea? Why?" Fourth cowboy says, "I'll explain it to you. I went across the border to a saloon last night and drank a buncha home-made Mexican tequila. On the way home from the saloon, I stopped off at Lupe's cafe and ate two helpings of her Mexican Special, which had been warmed over a time or two, and a buncha jalapenas and some chili peppers I never saw before." First cowboy asks, "So, what's that got to do with speed or diarrhea?" Fourth cowboy says, "Well, later on when I was in bed? I felt this fire and fierce rumbling in my belly, and before I could think, or blink, or turn that damn light on.... ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Paleoanthropology Division Smithsonian Institute 207 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, DC 20078 Dear Sir: Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago" Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin: 1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone. 2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto hominids. 3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that: A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on. B. Clams don't have teeth. It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin. However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench. Yours in Science, Harvey Rowe Curator, Antiquities ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well- intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics. We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product offered for sale in the United States of America. Our suggested list of warnings appears below. WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity. WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them. CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight. HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour. CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving. ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Known as "Tunneling," This Product May Spon- taneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result. READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years. THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result. PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe. NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed. ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space. NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten- Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected. PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State. COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied. HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User. IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed. (The above is from Volume 36, Number 1 of The Journal of Irreproducible Results. Copyright 1991 Blackwell Scientific Publications Inc. 3 Cambridge Center, Cambridge MA 02141 Individual US Subscriptions $12.00 Reproduced with permission.) ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Canonical Collection of CANNIBAL Jokes ==================================================== 58. A man gets captured by cannibals and every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food. Finally the guy calls the chief over and says, "You can kill me or you can eat me, but I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks." ...------------------------------------------------------------------- 57. A little girl stared with fascination at the pregnant woman sitting on a park bench. Finally, curiosity got the best of her and she went up, pointed to the woman's swollen stomach, and asked, "What is that?" "That's my sweet baby," the woman replied. "Do you love her?" the little girl asked. "I love her very much,' the mother to be said back. The little girl looked at the woman in all seriousness, and asked, "Then how come you ate her?" ...----------------------------------------------------------------- 56. A cannibal and his son are going to look for food. They hide behind some bushes and waited for someone to come by. After a few minutes, a skinny man comes by. The son says "How about him, dad?" "No," says the father, "he's too skinny." A short time later, a fat man wanders by. "What about that guy, dad?" asks the son. "Too much cholesterol." A little later, a pretty, 20 year old lady walks by. The son asks, "Dad, how about her?" The father replies "Yes! Let's take her home and eat your mother!" ...-------------------------------------------------------------- 55. What did the cannibals say when they saw two hunters arrive in a jeep? "Look! Meals on wheels!" ...-------------------------------------------------------------- 54. One day a cannibal visited the neighboring island of cannibals. There, people cost $2 but politicians cost $25. The visiting cannibal asked, "How come politicians cost so much?" The chief answered, "Do you know how hard it is to clean one of those?" ...-------------------------------------------------------------- 53. What do cannibals make out of politicians? Bologna sandwiches. ...------------------------------------------------------------- 52. How do cannibals cook politicians? In a crock pot. ...--------------------------------------------------------------- 51. What is a cannibal's favorite game? Swallow the leader. --------------------------------------------------------------- 50. These two cannibals were eating a missionary one night. And one started burping and belching a great deal and then he threw up. So eventually the other cannibal talked the one that got sick to go visit the village witch doctor. He did and the witch doctor only asked him one question after he had examined the cannibal. "Was the last person you ate a missionary?" "Yes it was." Replied the cannibal. The witch doctor replied, "Well that figures. Don't you know you can't keep a good man down?" ...----------------------------------------------------------------- 49. Cannibal: "Shall I boil the new missionary?" Chief: "No, he's a Friar." ...--------------------------------------------------------------- 48. When do cannibals leave the table? When everyone's eaten. ...------------------------------------------------------------------ 47. Did you hear about the cannibal who loved children? He just adored the platter of little feet. ...----------------------------------------------------------------- 46. In the age of cannibals, having your boss over for dinner meant something entirely different. ...--------------------------------------------------------------- 45. What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show? A celebrity roast. ...--------------------------------------------------------------- 43. And then there was this cannibal gourmet who had a mermaid in his pot and was muttering, "Red wine or white wine?" ...--------------------------------------------------------------- 42. First cave man to 2nd cave man: "I don't care what you say. We never had such unusual weather before they started using bows and arrows." ...--------------------------------------------------------------- 41. Cannibal with indigestion: "It must have been someone I ate." ...---------------------------------------------------------------- 40. Cannibal: One who loves his fellow man with gravy. ...---------------------------------------------------------------- 39. Cannibal's recipe book: How to Serve Your Fellow Man. ...---------------------------------------------------------------- 38. Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school? He buttered up his teacher. ...---------------------------------------------------------------- 37. Where do cannibals shop for fine furniture? Eatin' Allen's. ...---------------------------------------------------------------- 36. Two cannibals met in a mental institution. One was tearing out pictures of men, women, and children from a magazine and stuffing them into his mouth. "Tell me," said the other, "is that dehydrated stuff really that good?" ...--------------------------------------------------------------- 35. The baby cannibal said to the mother cannibal, "Mom, can we eat our sandwiches with our fingers?" "No," she replied, "Eat your sandwiches first, then you eat your fingers." ...------------------------------------------------------------------ 34. What did one angry cannibal say to the other? "Want a knuckle sandwich?" ...------------------------------------------------------------------- 33. Two cannibals were having lunch. One turned to the other and said, "This is good. Who is this?" ...------------------------------------------------------------------- 32. Did you hear about the man who went into a crematorium collecting ashes to sell to cannibals as instant human? Just add water and stir. ...---------------------------------------------------------------- 31. Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny. ...----------------------------------------------------------------- 30. A cannibal hurried into his house and said, "Honey, am I late for dinner?" "Yes," she replied, "Everyone's already eaten." ...-------------------------------------------------------------- 29. What did the cannibal give his wife for Valentine's Day? A box of farmer's fannies. ...-------------------------------------------------------------------- 28. Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food? He ordered a pizza with everybody on it. ...-------------------------------------------------------------------- 27. What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts. or Chocolate covered nuts. ...------------------------------------------------------------------- 26. One cannibal to another: "I never met a man I didn't like." ...-------------------------------------------------------------------- 25. One cannibal to another: "It's hard to keep a good man down." ...-------------------------------------------------------------------- 24. What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner? The cold shoulder. ...----------------------------------------------------------------- 23. Two cannibals were sitting by a fire. The first says, "Gee, I hate my mother-in-law." The 2nd replies, "So, try the potatoes." ...----------------------------------------------------------------- 22. What do British cannibals serve? Tea and ladyfingers. ...----------------------------------------------------------------- 21. What's a cannibal's worst nightmare? The tinman. ...----------------------------------------------------------------- 20. Have you heard about the cannibal restaurant? Dinner costs an arm and a leg. ...----------------------------------------------------------------- 19. Sitting at a dinner table one cannibal said to another, "Dinner was great. I haven't eaten this well in years." The 2nd cannibal replied, "Yeah, my wife makes great soup. I sure am gonna miss her though." ...-------------------------------------------------------------- 18. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his ass. ...-------------------------------------------------------------- 17. Cannibal: "Some eskimos have fallen into our hands." Chief: "Great! I've always wanted to try frozen food." ...-------------------------------------------------------------- 16. And then there was the missionary who was heard to say while in the boiling pot, "At least, they'll get a taste of religion." ...-------------------------------------------------------------- 15. What do you call a redheaded cannibal? Full. ...----------------------------------------------------------------- 14. The first cannibal asked the second cannibal, "Aren't you done eating yet?" The 2nd cannibal replied, "I'm on my last leg now." ...----------------------------------------------------------------- 13. The cannibal bridge tournament was going well until one of the players tossed up a bad hand. ...----------------------------------------------------------------- 12. A man and his dog Rover were shipwrecked on an island. Soon, all small creatures had been eaten and it became necessary for the man to eat Rover. As he barbecued the dog, he began to cry softly, "Rover would have loved these bones." ...----------------------------------------------------------------- 11. Did you hear about the bulimic cannibal? She had to stick a finger down her throat to toss a finger back up. or She couldn't decide between swallowing her fingers or throwing them up. ...----------------------------------------------------------------- 10. Did you hear about the angry cannibal? He threw up his arms! ...----------------------------------------------------------------- 9. Did you hear about the outdoors man cannibal? He passed his brother in the woods. ...----------------------------------------------------------------- 8. Why would Ronald Reagan never have been eaten by cannibals? He was too hard to swallow. ...----------------------------------------------------------------- 7. What do you call a man in a boiling pot? Stew. ...----------------------------------------------------------------- 6. Sure they had meals on wheels in the days of cannibals. They were called traveling salesmen. ...----------------------------------------------------------------- 5. Unquestionably, the brawniest and most imposing delegate at a recent U.N. assembly was a seven-foot-two giant from a newly formed African state. "You are a magnificent specimen of mankind," gushed a lady reporter. "What do you eat to keep in such superb condition?" "Beans" was his laconic reply. "Beans!" echoed the unbelieving reporter. "What kind of beans? Do you mean soybeans? Navy beans? String beans?" "I do not," snapped the African delegate. "I mean HUMAN beans." (beings) ...----------------------------------------------------------------- 4. A young cannibal asked his mother what they were having for dinner. The mother cannibal replied, "Baked beings." ...----------------------------------------------------------------- 3. A group of cannibals was walking along when an airplane flew by, far overhead. A child turned to his father and asked, "What's that?" It's something like a clam," the man explained. "It's got a hard shell and you only eat what's inside. ...----------------------------------------------------------------- 2. As a jet flew overhead, a mother cannibal was heard to say to her child: "Delicious eating, once you get past the shell." ...----------------------------------------------------------------- 1. A cannibal was looking up at a plane and said to the other cannibal: "Ah, preserves, in a can!" þ Tag-X Pro v1.60 þ Love & Trust: Oral sex between cannibals. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A bus stops at the traffic lights ("robots" to Gernot & co!) and a man tries to get on. The conductor says to him, "Sorry sir, you can't get on here. We only pick people up at bus-stops." The man still tries to get on, a struggle ensues and the conductor pushes the man so that he hits his head against the pavement and dies. The conductor is tried for murder, found guilty and sentenced to the electric chair. On the morning of the execution the prison governor asks if he has a final wish. The conductor asks for a banana. He carefully peels it, eats it, and places the peel neatly on the floor next to the electric chair. He is strapped in and 50,000 volts go through him -- nothing happens. Sentence has been carried out, so he is set free. He gets his old job back and one day the bus stops at some traffic lights and a man tries to get on. The conductor says to him, "Sorry sir, you can't get on here. We only pick people up at bus-stops." The man still tries to get on, a struggle ensues and the conductor pushes the man so that he hits his head against the pavement and dies. The conductor is tried for murder, found guilty and sentenced to the electric chair. On the morning of the execution the prison governor asks if he has a final wish. The conductor asks for a banana. He carefully peels it, eats it, and places the peel neatly on the floor next to the electric chair. He is strapped in and half a million volts go through him -- nothing happens. Sentence has been carried out, so he is set free. He gets his old job back and one day the bus stops at some traffic lights and a man tries to get on. The conductor says to him, "Sorry sir, you can't get on here. We only pick people up at bus-stops." The man still tries to get on, a struggle ensues and the conductor pushes the man so that he hits his head against the pavement and dies. The conductor is tried for murder, found guilty and sentenced to the electric chair. On the morning of the execution the prison governor asks if he has a final wish. The conductor asks for a banana. He carefully peels it, eats it, and places the peel neatly on the floor next to the electric chair. He is strapped in and ten million volts go through him -- nothing happens. Sentence has been carried out, so he is set free. Just as he is collecting his belongings the governor says to him, "Three times you've been here and had a banana before sentence was carried out and it protected you. How does it work? What's this business with bananas?" "The banana's got nothing to do with it," he says. "It's just that I'm a lousy conductor." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The famous Greek ship owner, Ori Oristotle, was having a house built. He said to the architect, "Don't disturb that tree over there. I had my first sex underneath it." "How sentimental, Mr. Oristotle," said the architect. "Right under that tree." "Yes," continued Oristotle, "And don't touch that tree over there, either. That's where her mother stood watching while I had my first sex." "Her mother just stood there while you were fucking her daughter?" "Yes," Oristotle replied. "But, Mr. Oristotle, what did her mother say?" "Baaaa." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ There was this frog on a lily pad, in the middle of a pond, surrounded by alligators. He didn't want to be eaten but he couldn't think of a way to get to edge of the pond without being gobbled up. Then, as he was about to give up, he looked up. Up in a tree was an owl. He called to the owl and asked, "Mr. Owl, I am stuck on a lily pad in the middle of this pond, surrounded by alligators. How can I get to the edge of the pond without being eaten?" The owl looked down at the frog and said, "Well Mr. Frog, it is obvious. You should fly off your lily pad to the edge of the pond." Hearing this, the frog began to flap his arms frantically. He then leaped into the air so as to fly to the edge of the pond. But instead he fell right into the open mouth of a nearby alligator. Just before the alligator closed his mouth, the frog shouted up to the owl in the tree, "Mr. Owl, didn't you know that frogs can't fly?" The owl responded, "I do concepts, not implementation." -==- A new biologist was doing an experiment. He took a frog, a tape measure, a pad and pencil, and an exact-o knife and set the frog on the table. He slammed his fist down on the table behind the frog, and said "Frog JUMP!" The frog jumped, and he took his measuring tape, measured the distance, and wrote, "Frog with 4 legs jumps 12 feet". He then fetched the frog, and chopped off one leg. He put the frog back on the table, and again slammed his fist down on the table and shouted, "Frog JUMP!" The frog again jumped, and he again measured and wrote "Frog with 3 legs jumps 8 feet". He got the frog again, chopped off another leg, went through the process again, measured and wrote, "Frog with 2 legs jumps 6 feet". He retrieved the frog, chopped off another leg and repeated the process. The frog jumped, and he wrote, "Frog with one leg jumps 3 feet". He took the frog, chopped off the last leg, put the frog down and slammed his fist down on the table, yelling "Frog JUMP!" The frog just sat there, again he hit the table. "FROG JUMP!", he said. When the frog still didn't budge, he tried a final time, and when the frog still didn't move, he took his book, and wrote, "Frog with no legs CAN'T HEAR!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Top 10 Computer Programmer Euphemisms for Death =============================================== 10 Kicked the bit bucket 9 Reformatted by God 8 Taken out of production 7 Bought the disk farm 6 Exported to a flat file 5 Cached in his chips 4 Information Superhighway road kill 3 Gone to the big glass house in the sky 2 Sent to the dirt archives 1 Had his 80-column card punched ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The dumb blonde was invited on an outing so she decided to shop for some luggage. She asked the clerk, "Do you have any overnight cases?" "Yes'm," he said. "You'd better give me seven of them, then. I'll be gone a week." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ In the Beginning was the Plan and then came the Assumptions and the Assumptions were completely without form, and darkness was upon the face of the workers and they spoke amongst themselves, saying: "IT IS A CROCK OF SHIT, AND IT STINKETH!" and the workers went unto their supervisors, and sayeth: "IT IS A PAIL OF DUNG, AND NONE CAN ABIDE THE ODOR THEREOF." and the Supervisors went unto their Managers, and sayeth unto them: "IT IS A CONTAINER OF EXCREMENT, AND IT IS VERY STRONG, SUCH THAT NONE CAN ABIDE IT." and the Managers went unto the Directors and sayeth: "IT IS A VESSEL OF FERTILIZER, AND NONE CAN ABIDE ITS STRENGTH." and the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another "IT CONTAINS THAT WHICH AIDS PLANT GROWTH, AND IS VERY STRONG." and the Directors went unto the Vice-Presidents, and sayeth unto them, "IT PROMOTES GROWTH, AND IS VERY POWERFUL." and the Vice-Presidents went unto the President, and sayeth unto him "THIS NEW PLAN WILL ACTIVELY PROMOTE THE GROWTH AND EFFICIENCY OF THIS COMPANY, AND IN CERTAIN AREAS IN PARTICULAR." and the President looked upon the Plan, and saw it was good. And the Plan became policy. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ JM>Would somebody please tell me what to do with my files once I have JM>downloaded them? Copy them to floppy disks and delete them from your hard drive as soon as you can. Having several downloaded files on your hard disk can cause it to fail prematurely. Downloaded files (as opposed to other files) have very heavy "stop bits" inbeded in them. Nearly all PC BBSs use "stop bits" in their communications parameters (eg. 8 data bits, no parity, and one stop bit). These "stop bits" are extremely heavy as compared to the data bits, and they are appended to (inbeded in) downloaded files as a result of the downloading communications process. Hence, downloaded files place a undue strain on your hard drive as it spins (a result of increased data mass and centrifugal force) and can cause the drive to fail; that's one reason they are called "stop bits". BBS software is specifically designed to strip these heavy "stop bits" before storing files. That's why BBS sysops don't have the problem with uploaded files. If you download a lot, you may want to get a copy of the shareware driver program BIT-LITE. It will strip away 68.3 percent of the heavy "stop bits" before storing a downloaded file on the hard disk -- the registered version strips away 93.8 percent and costs $49. The program is from Storage Minus, Inc., Milpitas CA. Also included with the registered version is CENTUNE which stands for centrifugal tune. This is a disk optimization program that will sense downloaded files having the heavy "stop bits" and evenly place them on your hard disk platters (like balancing a tire). Fine program; praise the lord and pass the registrations! Keep an eye out for the new enhanced IDE drives, they will have a new feature that automatically strips the heavy "stop bits" before storing downloaded files on the hard drive. If, by chance, your question was a legitimate one, I apologize for the above which is pretty solid misinformation. Please state *specifically* what your problem or question is and I'm sure you will get some worthwhile responses. Cheers, Charlie MOORE ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Q: What's the difference between homosexuals and refrigerators? A: Refrigerators don't fart when you pull out the meat. Q: What do women like in their pies, but not in their pussy? A: Crust. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Golly. They located a potential juror who's even dumber than the ones from the criminal trial. "Simpson Jury Prospect Knows Nothing of Trial," (NJ) Record, 10/1/96, p. A16. Santa Monica, Calif. -- They said it couldn't be done: Attorneys in the O.J. Simpson civil case found a prospective juror Monday who claims to know nothing about the criminal trial and couldn't care less. "Do you have any strong feelings at all about this case?" asked plaintiff's attorney Daniel Petrocelli. "No, I don't," said the woman, who is in her 20s. "I don't even know when it started or ended. I don't have any opinion of anything." She said she was busy going to school and working [and posting blonde jokes in this echo, no doubt] and didn't read newspapers or watch TV. The last thing she remembered about the case was Simpson in a Bronco on the freeway -- the chase before his arrest in June 1994. "Are you aware of Shannon Lucid, the woman who orbited the earth over 300 times?" Simpson attorney Robert Baker asked. "No," the woman said. "Well, she knows more than you know about this case," he said, drawing laughter in the courtroom. The woman was not challenged by either side and was allowed to remain on the prospective jury panel. Superior Court Judge Hiroshi Fujisaki, who normally admonishes prospects to avoid news coverage, told her: "I guess I don't have to worry about your watching anything." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The little cabbage in the field was consulting its motherabout life. "Life," said the mother "is a gamble; you've got to withstand storms, drought, wind, animals--not to mention bugs, lice, mold, rot. But, if you don't give up, you'll thrive and grow." "Life certainly is a gamble," agreed the little cabbage, "but there's one thing you haven't made clear: when do I quit growing?" "As in any other gamble," said Mother Cabbage, "quit when you're a head!" --> I knew this eccentric Frenchman who raises carp in the south of France. When the carp are full grown, he catches them, skins them, and makes men's wallets out of the skins. He is, in fact, a man known for his carp to carp walleting. --> Up at Dartmouth, there's a biologist experimenting with changing the behavior patterns of rodents. When asked about his work, he usually says he pulls habits out of rats. --> A student at Boston University wavered for some time between a career as a proctologist or a job as a barber. He eventually flipped a coin to see how it came out; heads... or tails. --> After his classroom had been remodeled, the college professor was heard mooning about, missing the good old dais. --> A young man returned from a dance at a coastal resort. He was sporting a huge black eye. When asked if he had run into a door, he replied he had been struck by the beauty of the place. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Two whales are swimming in the ocean, when they came across a fishing vessel. The male whale looks up and says to the female, "I know that boat, that's the boat that killed my best friend." "Hey Honey", he says, "Go up there and see if the captain has a wooden leg?" The female goes up there and comes back down 5 minutes later. "You were right," she says. "That is the boat." The male looks around and says,"I've got a plan, you go over to the left side of the boat and blow air out your blow-hole. The workers will go to that side of the boat, and I will ram the right side forcing the boat to overturn. When the workers fall into the water, on your side, you go for them and eat them all." The male whale looks over and see the female making a weird face. "WHAT?", he says. "What's wrong with that plan?" The female looks over and says, "Well, I don't mind the blow job, it's swollowing the SEAMEN that bothers me! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A teacher comes into the classroom one day to find there is a small but erect penis drawn on the bottom corner of the board. She is shocked. "SILENCE! What naughty little boy has been drawing rude things on MY board?" she asks. There is a lot of shuffling of feet, as everyone looks down intently at their desks. One or two sniggers are heard, but no-one owns up. The teacher rubs it off and decides to try ignoring it. The next morning the teacher comes in and there is a bigger erect penis drawn right across the bottom of the board. She is even more shocked. "SILENCE! I will punish all of you, unless the little boy," she pauses thoughtfully, "or little girl I suppose, that has drawn this rude picture owns up immediately." Nobody does. She rubs it off and then goes round the class asking each one in turn if they drew it. All deny it and the teacher makes them stay in at playtime. The next morning the teacher comes in and there is a HUGE erect penis filling the whole of the board. In the bottom corner of the board are the words: "THE MORE YOU RUB IT, THE BIGGER IT GETS!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married. His parents think this is cute, and they don't want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Johnny him "How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?" He replies "Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k." His father says "That's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?" Johnny answers "Well, so far, we've been lucky..." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he does... Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like? Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like? Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny. Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me? Wellhung: OK Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge. Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat. Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest. Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling. Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly. Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly. Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing. Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry. Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive. Wellhung: I'll pay for it. Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder. Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors? Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you. Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp. Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me. Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat! Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear. Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm. Sweetheart: What? Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really. Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse. Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop. Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweaty pants down and rubbing your hard tool. Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee! Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties. Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute. Sweetheart: What's the matter? Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking. Sweetheart: Are you OK? Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red. Sweetheart: Can I help? Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups? Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink. Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better. Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover. Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now. Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you. Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom? Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall. Wellhung: I found it. Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly. Wellhung: Me too. Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately--our naked bodies pressing each other. Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts. Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses? Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table. Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby! Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom. Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover. Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid. Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return. Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh! Sweetheart: What's the matter now? Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way. Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on. Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing. Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it! Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here. Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now! Wellhung: I'm flaccid. Sweetheart: What? Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection. Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face. Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong. Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse. Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles. Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes. Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face. Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser! Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo! Sweetheart: ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ After marrying a young filly, a ninety-year-old geezer told his doctor that they were expecting a baby. "Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly a bear charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot." "Impossible!" the geezer exclaimed. "Somebody else must have shot that bear." "Exactly," replied the doctor. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Q: How can you tell if your PC is still a virgin? A: The HIGHMEM is still intact. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ On the day I married my little squaw... (down on the farm!) I met my future mother-in-law. (down on the farm) She's got the biggest mouth in all Nantucket... (down on the farm) SHE SLEEPS WITH HER FALSE-TEETH IN A BUCKET!!! --- [From: Duane Vincent] Hi, Dave. Friend of mine hit a dog last night with her car. Took the unfortunate animal to the veterinarian, who placed it on the examination table. Vet came out a few minutes later, told my friend that the dog had expired. Friend asked, are you sure? Vet led her back into the examination room, scooped up a cat, and put the cat on the examination table. Cat walked about the table, sniffed at the dog, and hopped back down on the floor. Vet presented my friend with a bill for $330. Friend asked for an itemization of an unusually high bill, and was told, $30 for professional services, $300 for the cat scan. --- Messages are like babies -- easy to conceive, hard to deliver. --- I am in the same plight as the mosquito who arrived at the nudist camp, surveyed the territory and said, "I don't know where to begin." --- Chauncy Depew once played a trick upon Mark Twain on an occasion when they were both to speak at a banquet. Twain spoke first for some twenty minutes and was received with great enthusiasm. When Depew's turn came, immediately afterwards, he said, "Mr. Toastmaster, ladies and gentlemen. Before this dinner Mr. Twain and I made an agreement to trade speeches. He has just delivered mine and I'm grateful for the reception you have accorded it. I regret that I have lost his speech and cannot remember a thing he had to say." And with that he sat down to much applause. --- One Sunday morning, after attending church services in Hartford, Connecticut, Mark Twain said to Dr. Doane, the minister: "I enjoyed your services this morning, doctor. I welcomed it like an old friend. I have, you know, a book at home containing every word of it." "You have not," said the indignant Dr. Doane. "I have so," countered Twain. "Then send it to me. I'd very much like to see it." "I'll send it," promised Mark and the following day he sent the Reverend Dr. Doane an unabridged dictionary. --- Two Massachusetts state senators got into an angry debate and one told the other he could "go to hades." The man thus consigned called on the Governor and asked him to do something about it. The Governor called a few days later: "I've looked up the law, Senator, and you don't have to go there." --- Ethel Barrymore was in her dressing room in Hollywood when a studio usher tapped on the door. "A couple of gals in the reception room, Miss Barrymore, who say they went to school with you. What shall I do?" "Wheel them in," said the incomparable Ethel. --- At a reception in Washington, a young man was asked by a widow to guess her age. "You must have some idea," she said as he hesitated. "I have several ideas," he admitted with a smile. "The only trouble is that I hesitate whether to make you ten years younger on account of your looks, or ten years older on account of your intelligence." --- Joan Crawford was known to have a good library and to be one of the few actors who read the classics. The story is told about a celebrated writer whom she was once entertaining and who complimented her on her taste in books. "You see," said Joan, flattered, "my mother always gives me a book on my birthday." Here her husband broke in: "You can also see," he said, grinning broadly, "that Joan has a pretty large library." --- A physician, observing Charles Bannister, the great English actor, about to drink a glass of brandy, said: "Don't drink that filthy stuff; brandy is the worst enemy you have." "I know that," responded Charles, "but you know we are commanded by scripture to love our enemies." --- G: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?" EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area." -- Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4 --- Yesterday, CBS news reported a 6 year old boy was suspended from his elementary school for sexual harassment -- apparently for kissing a schoolmate girl on the cheek. After reading this item, our local DJ added: "The good news is; the girl has tested negative for cooties." --- Source: Seattle newspaper (the PI?) Comedy that is rip-`n-read: A pilot and his family were flying an amphibian light aircraft into British Columbia. They had the misfortune of flipping the plane on landing. They managed to get out of the plane, which then sank, and swam a half mile to land, where they survived bruised and cold three days, until finally found due to a coincidental sighting. There was an official search that was initiated at the time of the accident. The searchers arrived at the scene of the airplane sinking, assumed nobody survived, and called off the search. The search official defended the decision, reportedly saying: "They (the people who swam to land) did all the wrong things; they left the scene of the accident and left no indications which way they had gone." Well, yes... --- Recently, an arsonist has been targetting portable toilets in Vancouver, BC. Doc Harris, a local radio personality, remarked, "Arson investigators on the scene say they have nothing to go on." --- My wife ordered home delivery of our local newspaper. Because we live in a rural area where no street numbers are used, I was concerned that the carrier would have trouble finding us. Sure enough, we missed delivery several days despite frequent calls to the circulation department. Finally I phoned to cancel the subscription. "You'll have to tell me your exact location," the woman on the line said. "We can't cancel the subscription unless we know where you live." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ JP> 1) Waaaaaait a minute. Brooke was stark nude grinding her body against JP> another guy on a beach for 40 minutes in "Blue Lagoon" and she was a Reminds me of the following: A guy was stranded on a desert island at age six, with no other humans. However, he survived and grew up to adulthood. One day, around 20 years later, a beautiful blonde was washed up on that shore. They started talking, he being extremely starved for companionship, and she being relieved to have survived. She: "What do you do for food?" He: "Well, I fish, gather berries, and dig clams." She: "What about shelter?" He: "I have a hut over that hill. You can share it if you want? She: "What do you do for sex?" He: "What's that?" With that she removes what is left of her clothes and proceeds to show the guy what that mysterious thing is. She: "Well, how did you like it?" He: "Great, but look what it did to my clam-digger." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ UNIVERSITY ENTRANCE EXAM-FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION Time Limit: 3 WKS 1. What language is spoken in France? 2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions-OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau. 3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY 4. What religion is the Pope? (a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic (check only one) 5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters? 6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5? (a) Bed time (b) 5:00 (c) am or pm? (d) Happy hour 7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately) 8. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners (d) foreigners 9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton 10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five. 11. Where does rain come from? (a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky (e) Prince 12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (a) yes (b) no (c) He wasn't my relative 13. What are coat hangers used for? 14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country? 15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium- OR- Just spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS. 16. Where is the basement in a three story building located? 17. Which part of America produces the most oranges? (a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Europe 18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have? 19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for? 20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)? (a) B.C. (b) A.D. (c) still waiting *You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ -= Banshee told Paladin some crap about Habla espanol? on 10-01-96 11:13: =- Here's some new lyrics for ya. Ba> "Take a penny, leave a penny, put iit in the cup..wasn't Ba> that you in the police line-up? Please don't scratch your Lotto Ba> tickets on the clean floor, Heeeey, Macarena." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ You know you are addicted to the Internet when... * You kiss your girlfriend's home page. * Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom. * Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them. * You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search. * You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines. * You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop. * You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment. * All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3. * And even your night dreams are in HTML. * You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com * You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. * Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before. * You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened. * You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives. * Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like. * All of your friends have an @ in their names. * When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple. * Your dog has its own home page. * You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway through Lycos. * You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem. * You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no idea where your children are. * You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again. * You refer to your age as 3.x. * You have commandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore. * Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box. * Even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS on your favorite IRC channel. * You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL. * You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask. * You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom. * Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months. * You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games from Apogee. * You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms. * You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed. * You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape. * You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm. * You actually try that 123.elm.street address. * You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job. * Your friends no longer send you e-mail...they just log on to your IRC channel. * You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse. * Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed." * You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines useless. * You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 1.1 or higher." * You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP...because you never log off. * You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet. * You forget what year it is. * You start tilting your head sideways to smile. * You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain. * You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think it sounds like the ocean wind...the perfect soundtrack for "surfing the net". * You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited." * You turn on your computer and turn off your wife. * Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat. * As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly naked." Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea." Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate." When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the German market, they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of "v" is f - which in german is the guttural equivalent of "sexual penetration." Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse. The English weren't too fond of the name either, as it's a highly derogatory term for a non-heterosexual. The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No va" means "it doesn't go" in Spanish. When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave." When Coca-Cola first shipped to China, they named the product something that when pronounced sounded like "Coca-Cola." The only problem was that the characters used meant "Bite the wax tadpole." They later changed to a set of characters that mean "Happiness in the mouth." A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick. When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside since most people can't read. * QMPro 1.53 * I before E except after C. What a weird society. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ One fine day, a couple got married. While on their honeymoon the bride went for a shower. When she returned wearing a towel, the groom spoke up and said, " Honey, we're married now you can drop the towel". She was red faced but did so. The groom then said," Honey can I take a picture?" the bride replied, " Why" The groom said " I want to keep it close to my heart" So she allowed the photo. then the groom went for his shower. When he walked in dressed in a towel, the bride said, " honey, we're married now, you can drop the towel" He did and then she said, "can I take a picture?" The groom replied, " sure, but why. Do you want to keep it close to your heart?" The bride answered, " No, I want to have it enlarged!!!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ SNAP JUDGEMENTS ABOUT MEN AND WOMEN Reading the signs: How to make shallow snap judgements - Taken from Women's Glibber The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those tiny giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person. Train yourself to recognize - and decode these key "signs": 1. Woman won't unlock car door for man. -Doesn't engage in oral sex. 2. Man gets in car without opening door for woman. -No foreplay. 3. Man can't hail a cab. -Impotent. 4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant. -Prefers virgins. 5. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way there. -Is a virgin. 6. Insists on going to a romantic, candlelight restaurant. -Compulsive Don Juan. 7. Insists on going to a homey little cafe. -Compulsive Don Quixote. 8. Insists on going to a Polynesian bar. -Compulsive Don Ho. 9. Wants to go to a French restaurant. -Will swallow. 10. Wants to go to a deli. -Won't swallow. 11. Uses Sweet n' Low. -Wears falsies. 12. Takes too long deciding what to order. -Has trouble reaching orgasm. 13. Orders salad dressing on the side. -Will give a hand job, but won't go "all the way". 14. Gives explicit orders to the waiter or waitress. -Will expect incredibly skillful gymnastics in bed. 15. Asks for extra rolls. -Will say she's using birth control when she's not, will get pregnant and sue. 16. Insists on ordering for you. -Thinks that you had an orgasm when you didn't. 17. Asks for "the usual". -Insists on missionary position only. 18. Asks what the specials are. -Will want you to use handcuffs. 19. Fills up on bread and crackers. -Premature ejaculator. 20. Doesn't finish everything on the plate. -Has already come. 21. Insists on having some of what you ordered. -Will make you sleep on the wet spot. 22. Changes mind after ordering. -Will never call you. 23. Changes tables. -Nymphomaniac. 24. Drinks decaf. -Fakes orgasm. (Female) 25. Orders in French. -Fakes orgasm. (Male) 26. Sends food back. -Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, and then try to borrow money. 27. Asks for detailed descriptions of the desserts. -Needs you to talk dirty during sex. 28. Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers. -Wants a hand job. 29. Orders a dessert involving nuts. -Castrating bitch. 30. Wants to split dessert. -Is dying to move in with you and rearrange all your closets. 31. Credit card is refused. -Low sperm count. 32. Undertips waiter. -Small penis. 33. Undertips parking valet. -Small penis. 34. Undertips cabbie. -Small penis. 35. Uses a toothpick. -Is trying to tell you size isn't everything. 36. Has a removable cassette player in car. -Pulls out repeatedly during sex. 37. Has a cellular phone in car. -Has a penile implant. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A Tightwad Contest in Oakland has been won by a retired welder who separates two-ply toilet paper to save money. "It's no trouble at all; it just takes a little practice," said Luis Torres, 64, who won top honors in a "How Cheap Are You?" contest sponsored by the Oakland Tribune. He also buys generic groceries and day-old baked goods, reuses plastic bags and never tosses out soap slivers. "I always did things to save money," said Torres, who attributes his frugal ways to growing up with 14 siblings. Runners-up included a Berkeley couple who said they save dental floss on a bathroom hook for reuse, and a Richmond man who claimed he refreezes used ice cubes. (One couple said they collect 2-for-1 coupons to restaurants and then invite another couple. "We make them pay for their half, and we dine free," they wrote.) And from Elmer Hurren in El Cerrito came this admission: When his vacuum cleaner bag fills, Hurren cuts one end, empties it and sews it up for reuse. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Sung to the tune of "This Is My Country" This is my White House, Place where I snort, This is my White House, Where I nightly cavort, I chase around my bimbos, When Hillary's away, 'Cause this is my White House, And here I will stay. This is my White House, Place where I work, This is my White House, Full of cokeheads and jerks, Ken Starr, he will not get me, My rear end, no, he will not fry, 'Cause this is my White House, And here I will hide. This is my White House, And, no, I'll never leave, This is my White House, From where I deceive, I'll always lie to save my bacon, No, nothing sticks to me, 'Cause this is my White House, Where I live for free. This is my White House, A place some call vile, This is my White House, I have all your "Bureau" files, I have "the dirt" on all of you, So, don't ever mess with me, 'Cause this is my White House, In a land now not so free. This is my White House, What else can I say, When I feel like hating, I just think: NRA, They're all "domestic extremists", Not a patriot, such as I, 'Cause this is my White House, From where votes I buy. * 1st 2.00 #567 * Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ This letter was sent to me (by snail mail) a while ago. It sort of looked like one of those serious dating service letters, I was just going to throw it out. But something caught my eye. I looked at the envelope to see who it was from - a phony address... Here is the letter... Hello There........ Are you finding it difficult to meet compatible people? Millions of single, divorced. and widowed men and women around the world find normal channels of social contact quite acceptable. But, not you. Why? Because you need help. "Special People" like you often do, and we would like to help. Let us be your dating service! Here at In and Out, we service "special people" like you every day. We understand how difficult it is for your kind to meet someone of the opposite sex, who can tolerate you for more than fifteen minutes, let alone the amount of time it takes to complete the sex act. Nevertheless, we believe that somewhere out there is the right person for you. That man or woman who shares your leisure interests, your social diseases; your better half possessing the intelligence you lack, the economic status that has always eluded you, and most importantly, similar standards of personal hygiene. In and Out dating service, seen on television, radio and newspapers, can offer a great opportunity to you if you are 18 or over, not too repulsive, and either single, widowed, divorced, or separated. In and Out Dating Service is designed to bring together the right type woman with the right type man, and we do it right because "your kind" is all we do! We guarantee, once matched, we will do everything in our power to provide a life mate for you. We also promote inbreeding among your people, to ensure healthy offspring among the normal segment of the population. How do we do it? Well, first we take a sample of your brain tissue. The most advanced techniques are employed including in depth biological testing, as well as personal interviewing and personal evaluation. We even videotape you as you use our bathroom facilities. We invite you to complete the enclosed confidential personality inventory and mail it to us as soon as possible. After your test has been evaluated, you will be given the opportunity to learn what the I.O.D.S. program can do for you--that which you cannot do for yourself. You will find the results fascinating. Take the few minutes required to complete and mail the test now. You will be glad you did, for today is the first day of the rest of your sorry life. Sincerely, G. E. Kelly ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ P_R_O_F_I_L_E Instructions: Please answer the following questions according to the way you feel at the present time. Circle the number which comes closest to expressing your feelings about each question. There are no right or wrong answers, there are only opinions about ideas. There is no time limit, but, work rapidly; give your first impressions: 1=Definately Yes 2=Probably Yes 3=Undecided 4=Probably No 5=Definately No ========================================================================== 1) In your opinion, are you an affectionate, but ugly person? 1 2 3 4 5 2) After sex, do you often experience aches and pains? 1 2 3 4 5 3) Is religous instruction necessary for house pets? 1 2 3 4 5 4) Have you ever seriously considered joining the circus? 1 2 3 4 5 5) Do you believe Pee wee Herman is the Devil incarnate 1 2 3 4 5 6) For a sucessful marriage, do you feel matching luggage is a must? 1 2 3 4 5 7) Is it all right for a married man to associate with "other women" as long as he uses a condom? 1 2 3 4 5 8) Does a Supreme being control mankind? (i.e., E.T., Obi-Wan Kenobi, etc.......) 1 2 3 4 5 9) Would you say that people you meet for the first time view you with general disgust? 1 2 3 4 5 10) Is color coordination between partners necessary for a happy marriage? 1 2 3 4 5 11) Do your moods rise and fall for reasons you can't explain? 1 2 3 4 5 12) Do things in your house tend to move by themselves? 1 2 3 4 5 13) Have you ever been posessed by a dead person? 1 2 3 4 5 14) Do you think Alternative Lifestyles is an organization for people interested in communal living? 1 2 3 4 5 15) Do voices of invisible people often tell you what to do? 1 2 3 4 5 16) Have you ever forgotten to brush your teeth for seven days? 1 2 3 4 5 17) Should priests be allowed to wear hair spray? 1 2 3 4 5 18) When entertaining friends, do they often leave without telling you? 1 2 3 4 5 19) Do displays of physical affection among animals make you physically ill? 1 2 3 4 5 20) Do you use mouth wash regularly? 1 2 3 4 5 21) Should single men and women ever take trips together without their mothers? 1 2 3 4 5 22) Do social activities appeal more to you than talking to yourself? 1 2 3 4 5 23) In your opinion, does society place too much significance on the use of under arm deodorants? 1 2 3 4 5 24) Do you find your membership is rejected by most social organizations and clubs? 1 2 3 4 5 25) Should a person be allowed to have sex if they ask first? 1 2 3 4 5 26) Do you believe there are "little people" who live in your closet? 1 2 3 4 5 Name:___________________________________________Birthdate:_______________ Address:________________________________________Home Phone:______________ City:______________________________State:_____ZIP:_______________________ Occupation:________________________________Work Phone:___________________ I am........Single___ Divorced___ Widowed___ Separated___ ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The flight attendant asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that she had. So she said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Top Ten Reasons Why We Don't See Fat People In Porno Movies: 10. You wouldn't be able to see the movie, because they would take up the whole screen 9. Stage props are a delicasy 8. It costs too much money to make wardrobe the size of bedsheets 7 You wouldn't be able to tell the males from the females, because their breasts are just as big & their penises get lost behind the roles 6. There would be problems for the director, because whenever he tells the actress to eat a wiener, she would pull out a bag of hot dogs 5. The beds would collapse 4. They wouldn't be able to bend over for the anal scenes 3. You'd have to buy a gunrack for the dildos 2. They don't make diaphragms the size of hubcaps AND THE NUMBER 1 REASON WHY WE DON'T SEE FAT PEOPLE IN PORNO MOVIES IS: 1. The audience would laugh at the actors and not pay attention to the movie. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ For years I badgered my mother with questions about whether Santa Claus is a real person or not. Her answer was always "Well, you asked for the presents and they came, didn't they?" I finally understood the full meaning of her reply when I heard the definition of a virtual device: "A software or hardware entity which responds to commands in a manner indistinguishable from the real device." Mother was telling me that Santa Claus is a virtual person (simulated by loving parents) who responds to requests from children in a manner indistinguishable from the real saint. Mother also taught the IF ... THEN ... ELSE structure: "If it's snowing, then put your boots on before you go to school; otherwise just wear your shoes." Mother explained the difference between batch and transaction processing: "We'll wash the white clothes when we get enough of them to make a load, but we'll wash these socks out right now by hand because you'll need them this afternoon." Mother taught me about linked lists. Once, for a birthday party, she laid out a treasure hunt of ten hidden clues, with each clue telling where to find the next one, and the last one leading to the treasure. She then gave us the first clue. Mother understood about parity errors. When she counted socks after doing the laundry, she expected to find an even number and groaned when only one sock of a pair emerged from the washing machine. Later she applied the principles of redundancy engineering to this problem by buying our socks three identical pairs at a time. This greatly increased the odds of being able to come up with at least one matching pair. Mother had all of us children write, then mailed in a single envelope with a single stamp. This was obviously an instance of blocking records in order to save money by reducing the number of physical I/O operations. Mother used flags to help her manage the housework. Whenever she turned on the stove, she put a potholder on top of her purse to reminder herself to turn it off again before leaving the house. Mother knew about devices which raise an interrupt signal to be serviced when they have completed any operation. She had a whistling teakettle. Mother understood about LIFO ordering. In my lunch bag she put the dessert on the bottom, the sandwich in the middle, and the napkin on top so that things would come out in the right order at lunchtime. There is an old story that God knew He couldn't be physically present everywhere at once, to show His love for His people, and so He created mothers. That is the difference between centralized and distributed processing. As any kid who's ever misbehaved at a neighbor's house finds out, all the mothers in the neighborhood talk to each other. That's a local area network of distributed processors that can't be beat. Mom, you were the best computer teacher I ever had. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A mother of twelve was asked, "What is the worst thing you could get on your twenty-fifth wedding anniversary?" "Morning sickness," she replied. --- When Champ Clark was Speaker of the House, Congressman Johnson of Indiana interrupted the speech of an Ohio representative, calling him a jackass. The expression was ruled to be unparliamentary and Johnson apologized. "I withdraw the unfortunate word, Mr. Speaker, but I insist that the gentleman from Ohio is out of order." "How am I out of order?" angrily shouted the other. "Probably a veterinary could tell you," answered Johnson. And this was allowed to enter the record. --- In the good old days, a king and queen were so fond of their court jester they often had him as their sole dinner guest. On one such occasion, the jester asserted: "An apology can be worse than an insult." "Either you prove that," remarked the royal host, "or I'll have you beheaded." After dinner his royal highness happened to bend over. WHAM! The jester landed a lusty kick on the royal pants, then quickly cried: "Pardon me, Sire. I thought you were the Queen." --- A husband made an investment, against his wife's better judgment, and lost a large sum of money. The incident resulted in a major, unresolved spat at the dinner table. Later in the evening, when both had cooled, the husband approached his wife. "Just so I'm clear in the future," he began, "would you kindly tell me the difference between your saying 'I told you so' and 'I'm not going to say I told you so'?" --- The composer, Maurice Ravel, was an enthusiastic collector of rare books and prints, fine porcelains, and other objects d'art. In his study, occupying a place of honor on a pedestal, stood his most treasured possession -- a ball of smoked crystal, which he pointed to with great pride. "Maurice," his guests would whisper in awe, "where did you get it? It's exquisite!" "You really think so?" he would answer modestly. "Well it's just a burned-out electric bulb." --- George Bernard Shaw once visited sculptor Jacob Epstein in the latter's studio. As they chatted, Shaw noticed a huge block of stone in a corner of the room. "What is it for?" he asked. "I don't know yet," said Epstein. "I'm still making plans." "You mean you plan your work?" exclaimed Shaw. "You, an artist? Why, I change my mind several times a day!" "That's all right with a four-ounce manuscript," replied Epstein, "but not with a four-ton block." --- The kindly old lady was much impressed with the street beggar. "You poor man!" she exclaimed. "It must be dreadful to be lame. But you know it could be worse. It would be much worse if you were blind!" "You're tellin' me, lady," responded the beggar. "When I was blind, people was all a-time givin' me foreign coins." --- A man from Milwaukee went into the washroom of the Union Station in Chicago, and was amazed to notice how spic and span everything was, and that a number of people seemed to be leaving very quickly. He wondered what had caused all this activity and tension, until he looked up and saw a sign on the wall reading "You are now on T.V." --- Two university professors were debating who possessed the most Bible knowledge. "I'm no Bible scholar," began one academician, "but I'll bet you don't even know who the Epistles were." "Everybody knows that," the other snapped. "They were the Apostles' wives." "Wow," the first professor responded. "You do know a lot about the Bible." --- A young man was deeply in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day would be her birthday, and he laughingly said he would send her a bunch of roses, one for each year of her life. That evening he wrote a note to his florist, ordering twenty- four roses to be sent to the young lady on the first delivery the following day. The proprietor of the flower shop, looking over the mail in the morning, said to his clerk: "Tom, here's an order from young Mr. Higgins for twenty-four roses. He's a mighty good customer; let's give him a break and put in an extra dozen." And the young man never did find out what made the young lady so angry with him. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ X-FILES star DAVID DUCHOVNY is DENYING published reports that he is a "sex addict" and that he is a member of "Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous" a sort of "AA group for sex addicts", although he admits that "staying monogamous requires constant viligence"(Enquirer) Thoughts: 1) Sex and Love Anonymous? Can you imagine? [Michael Douglas, Charlie Sheen, Matt LeBlanc and David Duchovny sitting around in a circle] Moderator: "Michael? Do you have something to say?" Douglas: "Yes... it's been 8 days since I've had anyone... other than my wife." LeBlanc: "One woman in 8 days! I've had 8!" Sheen: "Really? Do you still have their phone numbers?" 2) When people are addicted to smoking they give them a substitute to chew on to wean them off smoking. In this case, do you think they give the addicts women substitutes--Corporal Klinger and RuPaul--to chew on? 3) Now, David said that "staying monogamous requires constant viligence." Do you think if he gets distracted for 10 minutes, he can suddenly focus to find himself in bed with a pretty woman? David: "Oh no, not again!" ... Animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous & answer wrong ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ PAMELA ANDERSON's husband TOMMY LEE had an inscription put on a "very private part" declaring his love for his wife.(Star) Thoughts: 1) Tommy Lee used to be married to Heather Locklear. Do you think PAM's done any checking for hidden messages down there? 2) What sort of message do you think is written there? We have some guesses: ________________________________________________ SLOGANS TOMMY LEE MAY HAVE WRITTEN ON HIS... WELL, YOU KNOW 1) "Remember me?" 2) "Back for more!" 3) "To go boldly where no man has gone before!" 4) "To go boldly where no one has gone before!" 5) "I came, I saw, I left." 6) "Over 1,000,000 served." 7) "Been there, done that." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Top Ten Most Annoying Crossovers in Music 10. Industrial Christian Rock 9. Gangsta Country 8. Grunge Disco 7. Classical Thrash 6. Doo-wop Rap 5. Speed Gospel 4. Soft Metal 3. Polka Blues 2. Techno-Death Mamba 1. New Age Opera * Qwkit 1.0b * 4 out of 5 people think the fifth is an idiot. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Important Moose news from CNN's web site: They call him 'Dr. Moose' October 21, 1996 Web posted at: 11:50 p.m. EDT LEBANON, New Hampshire (AP) -- Dr. John Sutton brakes for moose. But he's fascinated by people who don't. The surgeon and chief of trauma at Dartmouth-Hitchcock Medical Center has created a niche for himself by analyzing the injuries people receive when their vehicles collide with a moose. Sutton's colleagues call him "Dr. Moose." But it's no laughing matter for victims of moose collisions. It took almost a month for doctors to remove all the glass from Audrey Carr's eyes after her car hit a moose last spring in rural Dorchester. Her husband, who was driving, was cut on the arms and chest. The steering wheel was crushed and the windshield shattered. "The moose just about took the roof off the car," said Carr, who was knocked unconscious. "It caused $9,000 worth of damage to the car." In fact, Sutton found that 23 people were hospitalized at Dartmouth-Hitchcock, Maine Medical Center and Eastern Maine Medical Center over 4 1/2 years for injuries suffered in moose-vehicle accidents, and two of them died of head injuries. Seventy percent of those who were not killed suffered head or facial injuries, and 26 percent had severe spine injuries. Sutton said most moose-vehicle accidents demolish the car and kill the moose. Moose have no natural predators in northern New England and don't run from a car's headlights. They can also grow nearly 6 feet high and weigh more than 1,200 pounds. Among other things, Sutton found that cars often hit the moose under the belly, lifting it off its feet and onto the passenger cab, which is crushed by the impact. His advice: When a collision with a moose looks inevitable, aim for the hindquarters. In New Hampshire, where yellow "Brake for Moose" signs dot highways, Sutton estimated that 200 to 250 moose-vehicle collisions occur every year. He put the number at 650 or more in Maine. Vermont doesn't track the number of moose-auto collisions, but estimated more than 80 moose died in such accidents last year, up from zero in 1980. In rural northern New England, "the likelihood of hospitals here to be taking care of someone who has hit a moose is greater than someone who's been shot or stabbed," said Sutton, who blames the increase in part on greater human traffic in rural areas. "Everyone seems to have a moose story," said Sutton, who himself nearly hit a moose 20 years ago. "A moose ran out of the woods," he recalled. "We swerved, and the moose ran alongside us for about 20 yards, so it was a near miss." He now drives a Volvo and his wife has a Saab, two automobiles he lauds for their moose-resistant construction. Sutton hopes his work will help emergency rooms deal better with the injuries. He also would like to see cars better designed to withstand moose collisions. And he urges drivers not to speed on rural roads at dusk and at night, when the creatures are almost impossible to see. "Their coats don't reflect anything," recalled Louise Jordan of Northfield, who almost hit two moose four years ago. "I thought, `Why are there trees in the road?' I didn't realize they were moose." The time of year also affects the chances of hitting a moose. They're more likely to wander onto roads in the spring and summer, when they are foraging, and during the early fall, when they're rutting. Overall, though, the chances of hitting a moose are slim, Sutton said. He has seen only about four hospital admissions this year. "It's really more of an issue for moose," he said. "They almost always die in the accidents." (c) 1996 Cable News Network, Inc. All Rights Reserved. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The California Style in Crime: According to police in Toronto, Ontario, in August, two men who had just executed a well- planned jewelry store robbery made a successful getaway but only after stealing a car in front of the store in order to drive to their getaway car, which was parked a half a block away. --- A burglar raided an impotence clinic in Melbourne, Australia, in June and made off with dozens of bottles of drugs, including some powerful enough to induce five-day erections. Police were not certain whether the burglary was a prank or was committed by someone with a serious need. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Raped Woman Escapes From the Grave to Marry Attacker Source: Agence France Presse CAIRO (10-12) -- A 19-year-old unidentified woman who became impregnated by a rapist was buried alive by her brothers to save the family honor. Her brothers decided to "cleanse the family honor", and with the help of their cousins they attempted to strangle her. Presuming that she was dead, they threw her into a tomb at the local cemetery. "When I woke up I found myself plunged in total darkness and I realized that they had thrown me into a tomb when I groped around with my hands and touched the remains of dead people. I forced myself to be brave and spent the night trying to break out of the tomb. Luckily I managed to get out because it was made out of cob [mixture of clay, gravel and straw]," the woman was quoted as saying. When the rapist learned of the victim's story he decide to marry her. Her brothers and cousins are under investigation. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ FORREST in EVERYONE'S LIFE Forrest Gump Life is like a Box of chocolates... Forrest Dahmer People are like a box of chocolate, YUM! Forrest Simpson Mmmmm, choolate Forrest the Hun Chocolate all mine! Forrest Simmons Chocolate is bad!, EXERCISE EXERCISE! Forrest Rivera People who like Chocolate..Next on 'Forrest' Forrest Jackson Little kids like my box of chocolates Forrest Hefner Keep the chocolate, lose the box. Forrest Shakespeare Chocolate, or no chocolate that's the question Forrest Of Borg All chocolates must be assimilated Forrest Presley Hunk a hunk of milk chocolate Forrest Zen I am one with the chocolate Forrest McClaine I used to be a box of Chocolates Forrest Ventura Chocolates..Alll-Riighty then... Forrest Lauper People just wanna have chocolate Forrest Turner What's chocolate gotta do, gotta do with it? Forrest Bones Dammit jim, I'm a Dr., not a box of chocolate Forrest Spock Logically speaking, we are all chocolate Forrest Scotty The box, she's breaking apart Capt'n Forrest Christ Let he without sin, eat the first chocolate Forrest Rooney Why is it, that we are all chocolates? Forrest Butler Frankly Scarlett, I don't like chocolate Forrest O'Hara Tommorrow, is another box of chocolates. Forrest Lee Fight with your inner chocolate Forrest Clinton I didn't inhale the cream centers Forrest Davidson I will inhale the cream filled centers Forrest Doo Roinks Raggy, Rocolates! Forrest Pig Life is a box of chok-choa-che..candy Forrest Marx That's the weirdest box of chocolates I've ever seen.... Forrest Nicholson You want chocolate, you can't handle chocolate Forrest Copperfield Poof, the chocolates are gone! Forrest X We didn't land in the box of chocolate The box of chocolate landed on us! Forrest Hitler White Chocolates only! Forrest the Frog Someday we'll find it, The chocolate connections The plain ones, The cream filled....and me... Forrest Eastwood I know what your thinking.. Did he eat five chocolates, or did he eat six Well let me ask you... Do you feel hungry PUNK?..well...DO YOU? Forrest Barney I'm cream filled, you're with nuts. We're a box of chocoluts Forrest Adam and Eve ADAM=Chocolates are forbidden EVE=Just eat one.... Forrest Moses I command the chocolates to seperate! Forrest Noah 2 creams, 2 nuts, 2 coconuts, 2 peanut butter Forrest Ali I am the chocolate boxer! Forrest on phonics Lief es lyk a boks uv chakolets Forrest PsychicLine Yes, I knew you were a chocolate Forrest 900-line oooh, can I suck your cream filled chocolates? Forrest DatingGame Bacholer number two... if I was a piece of chocolate.. What would you fill me with? Forrest Alimony The Box is mine! Forrest Adultry You just can't have just one chocolate. The Forrest plague Ewww..these Chocolates are bad Chief Justice Forrest Thomas I never touched her milk-duds! Forrest Andrews The Hills are alive..like a box of chocolates Forrest Allen Chocolate, huroof.. Forrest Costello Who's eating chocolate? Forrest Abbott No, who is not eating chocolate Forrest Vader Luke, I am your chocolate Forrest Yoda There is a dark chocolate, and a light chocolate.. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ We had taken our daughter to see The Wizard of Oz. During the movie, we heard people whispering that a heavy snowfall had started, and we decided to leave before driving became hazardous. As we dashed out of the theater, the manager looked at us quizzically. "We're off to flee the blizzard!" my wife called out to him. Just for the fun of it, a friend of mine tried on a pair of her high-school-age son's cycling shorts one day. When she realized how slimming the spandex material was, she bought herself a pair of neon-bright lime. She calls the garment her "Teen-age Mutant Ninja Girdle." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ * Marine Cpl. Corban Backstrand, 24, stationed near Hiroshima, Japan, won a dare in June while out with friends. He stuck his head in front of a moving cargo train and was knocked unconscious. * In July, according to Gardner, Kan., Sheriff's Lt. Bill Garrett, a woman was treated at Olathe Medical Center for a scalp wound after her husband shot her while the two were playing hide-and- seek in the woods. According to Garrett, the husband said the couple had played hide-and-seek with handguns before. * In July, Owensboro, Ky., Road Department driver Sam Holinde, driving his 20-ton dump truck across a bridge with a "limit 3-ton" sign, got about half-way across before the bridge collapsed. The fall was short, and Holinde suffered only minor injuries. * In March, "Slim Jim" James Schmedding was hospitalized in fair condition with a serious head injury after a stunt by deejays at radio station KQCC-FM of Rock Island, Ill. Schmedding had volunteered to be packed in a 55-gallon drum and rolled down a flight of stairs. When he did not fit inside initially, he agreed to remove all the padding from the barrel to make room. * In June, the New Jersey Divison of Consumer Affairs ordered Harold P. Weingold to provide $500,000 in restitution to customers who knew him as the "lottery doctor." During 1992 and 1993, Weingold somehow persuaded 2,000 people to buy an average of $250 worth of good-luck key chains and baubles, and "cosmic protectors" that were merely solar-powered calculators, to guarantee them a "93 per cent" chance of winning lotteries. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Beer company files suit over naughty frog ALBANY, N.Y., The Reuters World Service via Individual Inc. : A small frog with a big, bad attitude is getting his day in court. He appears on the label of Bad Frog beer with one middle toe raised in an obvious gesture of defiance. The label reads ``He Just Don't Care,'' and below, ``The Beer So Good...It's Bad.'' Sale of the beer has been banned in four states and Bad Frog Brewing Co. of Rose City, Michigan, is fighting back with a free speech lawsuit in federal court in New York. The State Liquor Authority rejected the beer last summer, calling its labels ``incendiary, offensive to commonly and generally accepted standards of fitness and good taste.'' The beer makers, naturally, disagree. ``Everyone has fun with it,'' company vice president Rick DiLorento said. ``You see the label and you laugh. If it's so offensive, why are people buying it?'' The company has sold three million bottles since the beer went on the market last year, he said. It is sold in 15 states but has been banned in New Jersey, Pennsylvania and Ohio as well as New York. The company said it planned to file lawsuits in the other three states after the New York suit, filed this week, is resolved. A hearing is scheduled for Oct. 25 in U.S. District Court in Albany, New York. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Stupid Criminals Source: Winnipeg Free Press Submitted by: Jayesh Maniar AROUND THE WORLD -- Two teenagers used paper spray on a grocery store owner who defended himself with a hammer. "One of the teenagers called complaining about a man chasing them down the street with a hammer," said Winnipeg Police Inspector Shelley Hart. Police pressed charges against the teens and not the store owner. Steven King of Decatur, Alberta, robbed a convenience store but left his wallet, which contained his identification, behind. His get away car broke down, and three men beat him up when they mistaken him for an intruder at his girlfriend's house. Troy Durben of California, was described by police as "extremely bold or extremely stupid," when he returned to cash his paycheck at the same bank he robbed six days before. A 33-year-old woman stole several wallets from customers at a grocery store. Fleeing the store, she allegedly dumped the wallets into a produce bin. One of the wallets was her own. A victim identified the crook from her photo-ID. The accused thief was later arrested after she called police to report her wallet is missing. A Charlotte, North Carolina, man armed with a rock, held up a store. A group of civic-minded teenagers, witnessing the crime, chased the robber and caught him. Then, they stole his money and left. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately. England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag. Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year- old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4« years in jail. Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years. (Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask. (Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.) (Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help ... Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it. (Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-- leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Have you heard that there are a lot of mergers going on in the information technology industry? Here are a few examples of deals in the works although they haven't been formally announced yet! Pitney Bowes may merge with Honeywell Bull to create Pit Bull: They'll have the first postal meter that bites unauthorized users. CheckFree Corp., Inacomp, and Beyond Mail will become Check's InaMail. Real World Accounting and Virgin Interactive will become Real Active Virgin: Recommended by Madonna. Dell Computer and Farmer's Almanac will become Farmer's in the Dell: They'll specialize in computers that can predict crop yields and planting times. Megahertz Corp., My Software, and Fastback will become MyBackHertz: Their specialty will be easy to use PCMCIA backup!. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ On a different note, Rodney Dangerfield was on TV last night, says "My wife's so fat that in order to have sex, I have to slap her hard on the thigh and ride the wave in!!!! A man in a nursing home takes up with one of the female inmates and works out a deal with her where he gets in bed with her each night and she holds his penis as they fall asleep. After several weeks of this, he dumps her for a new partner. The scorned woman questions him, "What's she got that I haven't got?" The man replies, "Parkinsons". "What's the secret of your long and happy marriage?" "My wife and I go out for a romantic dinner at least once a week." "That's wonderful! Where do you go?" "I like Italian... I don't know *where* she goes." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Reasons to stay at work all night 1) Act out your version of company takeover 2) Find a way to change everyone's password to "hellraiser" 3) Around 3:20am, play connect the dots with lights still on in other office buildings 4) Sneaking in the boss's desk could land you an unexpected promotion 5) Draw stick people in all the landscape pictures on the walls, and in the morning, be the first to point out "what a terrible thing that someone did this to such beautiful works of art" 6) Go into the other gender's bathroom without fear of being caught 7) Run up and down the hallways screaming, hoping security will call so you can have someone to talk to 8) Leave prank message on the CEO's voice mail 9) Finally, a chance to live out a dream and work naked at your desk 10) Elevator surfing! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ I'm Glad I'm a Man. I'm glad I'm a man, of that I am proud. I'm not all bitchy, annoying and loud. I won't try to squeeze in jeans three sizes too small. My credit card is still good when I leave from the mall. I won't drink diet coke, or eat a rice cake. There's no silicone here, my chest isn't fake. My face isn't "lifted," my bra isn't stuffed, I do what's proper, I leave the toilet seat up. It doesn't take hours to fix up my hair, I don't see the need to use the bathroom in pairs. I won't throw a tirade and then blame PM. I'm a man, and I'm glad I can deal with my stress. I have intuition, I never get lost. I share household duties, I won't try to be boss. I'm a man and with that comes a high sense of class. I won't wear a swimsuit that rides up my ass. I won't cry like a baby when Bambi gets shot. I don't make up false places, like the infamous "G-spot." I'm a man of high faith, its my right to command. The bible and God say all women must serve under man. I won't go out at night in a black leather skirt, Then slap anybody who just tries to flirt. You crazy women scare me, you have lots of gall, To make Lorena a hero for hacking off balls. Yes I'm pleased to be male and I don't mean to gloat. I'm sorry you don't understand how to work the remote. I'll never tease you, or play hard to get. If I don't get my way I won't throw a fit. I don't worry much about breaking a nail. My face without makeup isn't distorted and pale. I'll never say one thing while meaning another. When life gets real hard, I won't run to my mother. In order to understand just who I am; You need a Y-chromosome; it's what makes you a man. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ This was a joke overheard in the barbershop this morning, it was told by a guy born in 1912. A husband a wife were celebrating their 90th wedding anniversary, and the media was there to document the occasion. One of the reporters asked the secret to their successful marriage and longevity. The wife replied that they had never been sick. The young reporter was astonished and to confirm said, "So, you've never been bedridden". And the wife quickly replied, "Oh, 1000's of times, and twice in a buggy". ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ THE PUKE LIST! Abdominable voorheaves . Lunch After dinner mints . Make a (technicolor) tribute to Disney Barf . Make an offering to the porcelain god Bark at ants . Make food offerings to the china gods Be the mother bird . Making pizza Beer belch . Meet my friends Ralph and Earl Blow acid . Negative chug Blow beets . Paint the town green Blow breakfast . Parbreake Blow chow . Plant beets Blow chunks . Play at the porcelain altar Blow din-din . Play with the edible yo-yo Blow doughnuts . Polishing your shoes Blow foam . Power barf,boot Blow groceries . Pray to the porcelain god Blow lunch . Pray to the porcelain goddess Boot (camp) . Projectile vomiting Bow down before the porcelain god . Projectiling Brack . Protein spill Bring it up for a vote . Psychadelic spit Brown nose it . Puke Buick . Ralph Bush Breakfast . Read the toilet Bushit . Redecorate Buy my Buick . Regurgitation Call Buicks . Reverse diarhea Call dinosaurs . Reverse drink Call for huey . Reverse gears Call to the seals . Reverse gut Call uncle Ralph . Reverse peristalsis Casting your bread upon the waters . Revisiting dinner Chewing backwards . Ride the regurgitation Choom . Round trip lunch ticket Chuck a pizza . Round trip meal ticket Chunder . Rufus Chunderchunk . Scream cookies Chunderspew . Screaming mimi Clean house . Sell a Buick Commode hugging . Sell cars Decorate pavement . Shout at your shoes Deliver street pavement . Singing the lovely beer ballad Discourage . Spew chips Divulge dinner . Spew chunks Drain the main . Spew snacks Dribble phlegm . Spew spuds Driving the porcelain bus . Spill the groceries Earl . Spunge Eject . Talk to God on the big white telephone Exspew . Talk to Huey down the big white Feed the fish . telephone Feed the houseplants . Talk to John on the porcelain telephone Feed your young . Talk to Ralph on the big white Fertilize the sidewalk . Filling the bilge . Talk to the carpet Gack . Talking on the porcelain telephone Gag . Talking to Ralph on the big white Give an oral sacrifice at the altar . telephone of the porcelain god . Taste dinner Give an oral sacrifice at the altar . Technicolor yawn of the porcelain goddess . Technicolor yodel Go to Europe with Ralph and Earl in . The Brooklyn mating call a Buick . The Jersey yodel Gurp . Throw dinner Gut painting . Throw up Hack . Thunder-chunder rainbow parfait Harf . To do a bush (originally translated Heave (your guts out) . from Japanese) Honk . Tossing your cookies Hork . Tossing your tacos Huey . Un-eat Hug the porcelain wishing well . Unrecoverable application error Hurl . Uncle Fester Induce antiperistalsis . Upchuck Inverse gut . Urp Involuntary personal protein spill . Vector-spew Jump shot . Voiding Kneel before the porcelian god . Vomiting Kneel before the porcelian goddess . Waxing the floor Lateral cookie toss . Whistling beef Laugh at the carpet . Whistling carrots Launchig the shuttle . Wolf Launching lunch . Woof Leave lunch . Worship at the porcelain agod Liberation . Worship at the porcelain altar Liquid laugh . Wretch Liquid scream . Yabble Look for O'Rourke . Yak Lose flourescent Christmas cheer . Yeech Lose some chopped carrots . Yell at the ground Lose weight . Yell for Hughie Lose your lunch . York ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ NetWare Panned Banyan employee Tom Greenaway took a musical poke at the competition in 'NetWare Man' - sung to the tune of the Beatles'' 'Nowhere Man': He's a real NetWare man, living in his Novell LAN, making all his E-mail plans, for nobody. Doesn't have an open view, knows not where he's routing to. Maybe hope in 4.2 or 3. NetWare Man, please listen. ENS is what you're missing. NetWare Man, the world could be at your command. He's as blind as Bill's NT. Just sees his own bindery. NetWare man can't TCP at all. NetWare Man, please listen. ENS is what you're missing. NetWare Man, the world could be at your command. He's a real NetWare man, living in his Novell LAN, making all his E-mail plans, for nobody, making all his GroupWise plans for nobody, making all his Utah plans for nobody. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Computer terms: -------------- 640K barrier: the finish line in a mega-marathon access time: foreplay analog: what Ana tosses into the fire assembly language: put tab A into slot B, then put tab C... audit trail: what the IRS does Bandwidth: limited by the size of the stage Battery Backup: going in reverse in a golf cart BBS: t-telling t-tall s-stories benchmark: what happens when your saw hits the bench broadband: an all female rock group cache memory: remembering how much you spent carrier detect: "I see the mail man!" CASE: 24 bottles Control Character: prison guard conventional memory: remembering what you did at COMDEX copy protection: wearing a rubber copyright: vs. copy wrong cursor: a garbage mouth daisy chain: a dog's leash DAT: the opposite of DIS deadly embrace: making love to King Kong delimiter: someone who says, "Stop, that's enough" density: how to measure IQs of blondes dhrystones: the stones that were tossed out of the water DIP switch: how my sister gets a new boy friend dot pitch: "Dorothy winds ups, and delivers a knuckle ball" EDCDIC: similar to herpes EMS: happens just before PMS Excel: to be better than the rest end user: a prisoner's cell mate escape sequence: Distract guard. Dig tunnel. Cut throw fence... Ethernet: used to catch Ether fixed disk: a broken disk that comes back from the shop flash EPROM: what they have on 90210 (Flashy Proms) flat bed scanner: a hooker looking for loose change flat file: a file with all the air out of it full duplex: a 2-family house with 16 occupants groupware: clothes swapping hacker: a heavy smoker half-height drive: a midget's sexual capacity hand scanner: singles bar prowler looking for wedding rings heap: what I drive high density diskette: a very stupid floppy home computer: what you tell your computer when it follows you hypertext: text on amphetamines ink jet: a plan used for sky writing integrated circuit: a circuit with black & white components joystick: (requires little explanation) local bus: stops at every intersection lost chains: euphoria experienced by the recently divorced low-level language: for basement programmers high-level language: for penthouse programmers machine dependency: an affliction of machine users mag tape: tape used on the wheels of cars mainframe: akin to "main squeeze" main memory: remembering where the water line is math coprocessor: the person you cheated from in math class megaflop: the worst play you ever saw minicomputer: the pier to Mickey's computer modem: what the gardener did to the lawns [mowed 'em!] mouse: domesticated rodent multi-sync: can be sunk more than once native mode: head hunting on-line: where the birds sit overlay: chickens making too many eggs pentium: the thing that swings back-and-forth on a clock plotter: a deceitful person postscript: grafitti on a pole protected memory: remembering to wear a condom record locking: what you do to your Beatles White Album right justified: vs. wrongly justified software piracy: stealing a ship's program spreadsheet: a hooker's foreplay streaming tape: party decorations subroutine: not quite routine surge protector: a condom token ring: a group of people passing the bong trackball: what sprinters and runners often get twisted pair: tubes tied word wrap: black music worksheet: a prostitute's office Ymodem: because, had to! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Citizen Kane --With the Naughty Bits You must have heard of the movie Citizen Kane. It shows up on most of the "Best US Films of All Time" lists. If you are one of those who can't figure out why Star Wars doesn't show up on such lists, you might as well skip the rest of this. OK, so everybody knows that Citizen Kane was the first film masterpiece of the young Orson Welles. Everybody also knows that the word "Rosebud," the word Charles Kane utters as he dies, plays an important part in the film. After Kane's death a reporter researches his life in an effort to understand this once powerful man and the audience follows his investigation to find out why Kane said, "Rosebud." Beyond this, most people have heard that Charles Kane is loosely based on the person of William Randolph Hearst, a powerful newspaper magnate who was well known to the audiences first viewing the film. The U.S. Public Broadcasting System recently presented a detailed documentary (The Battle Over Citizen Kane) on the making of the film and Hearst's successful effort to suppress it when it was first released in the 1940s. Hearst managed to bury the film until after his death in the early 1950s. According to the documentary, Hearst was incensed about the way he was portrayed in the film, but he was even more angry at the way his mistress, a movie starlet named Marion Davies, was portrayed. According to the documentary, "rosebud" was Hearst's pet name for Ms. Davies' genitalia. And here we thought the movie was about political and economic power struggles! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ MAN, I'M GLAD I'M A MAN, MAN Everyday I give thanks to God I was born a man instead of a broad When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV I don't shave my legs, I stand up to pee I go to a barber, not a beauty salon Don't pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on Don't wax my pubes so I can wear shorts I use my turn signal, I understand sports Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man Tell you the reason I am I don't go through a faze every 28 days Man, I'm glad I'm a man I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons Don't take a lot of friends when I go the the john I don't throw a fit when I break a nail I don't buy a lot of shoes just because they're on sale I don't apply makeup in my rear-view mirror I don't think of Bambi when I'm out hunting deer I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass I don't ask my friends about the size of my ass Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man Tell you the reason I am I don't face the pain of water-weight gain Man, I'm glad I'm a man Let me tell you ladies Listen to me ladies I love those things inside of your blouse I love your pretty faces Your warm and soft embraces But if I had my own two boobs, I'd never leave the house I don't spend two hours getting ready for a date I don't play with dolls unless they inflate When someone asks me my age, I never lie After sex in bed, my spot's always dry I don't read about orgasms in Vogue magazines I don't mind if my dates try to get in my jeans I don't spend a fortune on French lingerie This is the same underwear I wore yesterday Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man Tell you the reason I am I don't take a pill, I don't use Massengill Man, I'm glad I'm a man Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man Tell you the reason I am I find Michael Bolton completely revoltin' Man, I'm glad I'm a man ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ There were once two people travelling on a train, a scientist and a poet, who were riding in the same compartment. They had never met before, so naturally, there wasn't much conversation between the two. The poet was minding his own business, looking out the window at the beauty of the passing terrain. The scientist was very uptight, trying to think of things he didn't know so he could try to figure them out. Finally, the scientist was so bored, that he said to the poet, "Hey, do you want to play a game?" The poet, being content with what he was doing, ignored him and continued looking out the window, humming quietly to himself. This infuriated the scientist, who irritably asked again, "Hey, you, do you want to play a game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you give me $5. Then, YOU ask ME a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give YOU $5." The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided against it, seeing that the scientist was obviously a very bright man. He politely turned down the scientist's offer. The scientist, who, by this time was going mad, tried a final time. "Look, I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5. Them you ask ME a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50!" Now, the poet was not that smart academically, but he wasn't totally stupid. He readily accepted the offer. "Okay," the scientist said, "what is the EXACT distance between the Earth and the Moon?" The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's question. He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the scientist. The scientist happily accepted the bill and promptly said, "Okay, now it's your turn." The poet thought about this for a few minutes, then asked, "Alright, what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on four?" The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face. He thought about this for a long time, taking out his note pad and making numerous calculations. He finally gave up on his note pad and took out his laptop, using his Multimedia Encyclopedia. After about an hour of this, the poet quietly watching the mountains of Colorado go by the whole time, the scientist FINALLY gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a $50 bill. The poet accepted it graciously, turning back to the window. "Wait!" the scientist shouted. "You can't do this to me! What's the answer??" The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put a $5 bill into the his hand. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ There was an Arabian sheik who wanted to invest some of his wealth in the United States. He hired an attorney named Harry Regardway to handle things for him. It turned out to be a very successful investment for the sheik, and he decided to remember the attorney in his will. When the sheik died, his will stipulated that his entire harem was to be left to Harry. It said: "Give my broads to Regardway!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ HOW TO BE A COOL ASIAN: 1. Wear clothes of two colors: your choice of black or white. 2. Own an alphanumeric pager with a built in answering machine. 3. Own a cellular phone. 4. Have only Asian friends. 5. Speak only in Asian languages. 6. Dress as though you're headed for a party when you're actually going to class. 7. If you're a girl, BE SURE TO STUFF YOUR BRA. 8. If you're a guy, BE SURE TO SOUP UP YOUR ACURA INTEGRA. 9. Smoke even if you don't know how to, especially if you're with friends. 10. Travel only in droves of 10 and above to parties. 11. Go to all the cool Asian "intercollegiate parties." 12. Refuse to dance to anything but techno music. 13. Whenever in droves of 10 or more Asians, stare menacingly at all other Asians. 14. Dance in circles at all parties and clubs. 15. If you're a guy, BE SURE TO COP CHEAP FEELS OFF GIRLS YOU LIKE. 16. If you're a girl, BE SURE TO RUN YOUR FINGERS THROUGH YOUR HAIR EACH TIME YOU SEE A HOT GUY. 17. Wear only designer labels. 18. Make sure designer labels are extremely visible. Better yet, make sure that the make is emblazoned on the front of the apparel. 19. Own a pair of Doc Martens. 20. Be very good at pool. Own a cue stick if you can, even if you know nothing about them. 21. Make sure your parents are doctors or better yet, grocery store owners. 22. BELIEVE IN BARN JACKETS, J. CREW, AND TOMMY HILFIGER. 23. Make sure you install every possible option you can in your car. 24. Own a sports car. 25. Date only someone that a friend of yours has already dated. 26. Be an officer in the KSA/CSA of your respective school. 27. Be a Christian pretending to actually care about the religion. 28. Use church as a social ground to meet potential dates. 29. If you're a guy, make sure your hair looks like the head of a circumsized penis. 30. If you're a girl, make sure your hair is colored with tinges of brown or red for optimal "coolness." 31. Two words: Manhattan Portage. 32. If you're a guy, don't be embarassed that your penis is small. Instead, simply make sure that its size is inversely related to the loudness of your car's engine. 33. If you're a girl, don't be embarassed about your small chest. Instead, make sure that its size is inversely related to the amount of make up on your face. 34. If you're a girl, weigh no more than 75 lbs. 35. If you're Korean girl, have eye surgery done so you can look like a goldfish. 36. Date only the people from your own clique, or even "a cooler one." 37. If you're in a group of 10 or more friends, stare menacingly at all interracial couples you see. 38. If you're a guy, start having insecurities and complain about the "theft" of your women. 39. If you're a girl... well, Asian men never date interracially anyway. 40. Hate blacks more than white poeple do. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Letterman's Top Ten Signs Your Spouse is Having an Affair on the Computer: 10. Lately she sits at the computer naked. 09. After signing off, he always has a cigarette. 08. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive. 07. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up. 06. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand. 05. She makes sarcastic remarks about your 'software.' 04. Lipstick on the mouse. 03. During sex she screams 'A colon backslash enter insert.' 02. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underpants. 01. The fax file is filled with pictures of some guy's ass. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Roman Catholic or not. As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace. "Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during you life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven." "You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment. Is there anything which your holiness desires?" "Well yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time." Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of man's relationship with God. Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library. Immediately several of the Saints and angels came running to the Pope's side to learn the cause of his dismay. There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on the parchment, Repeating over and over, "There's an 'E', and there's and 'R'!!!" "Look, the word is celebrate, not celibate!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD [Conservatively Correct Version] Once upon a time there was a dumb little broad named Little Red Riding Hood. This was back when people had four names, as few people still have long weird names today, but this is good as it serves us in finding out who the problem people are when you can't actually see them. Anyway, one day, being the abject airhead she was, Little Red Riding Hood decided to take a basket of fruit to her grandmother's house through a wolf infested woods without proper weaponry. Her grandmother, an ignorant bimbo in her own right, had no job, so just laid round in bed all day waiting for someone to give her handouts. Not only was she a lazy bum living off the sweat of others, but she was also dumb enough to not possess a semi-automatic machine pistol which is what makes Gooseland the safe place it is. As is well documented, we only have ten times as many gun deaths as the other Fairylands. While Little Red Riding Hood was mindlessly wandering through the woods as women always do when grappling with nature, unbeknownst to her, a wolf got into Grandma's bedroom, ripped her wrinkly old throat out, and fed on her internal organs until there was nothing left of the unarmed stupid-ass Grandma but a bloody frilly nightdress. The wolf, with a bent toward being a fag, put the old lady's jammies on and laid in the bed figuring some other nitwit bitch would be by he could eat. So by and by, Little Red Riding Hood entered Grandma's bedroom to see in the bed a big bloody mouthed wolf in a dress. So the dumb chick, with her brain obviously wandering in some feminist fantasy land they all spend most of their time in, totally missed the reality of the matter and began commenting on the size of the wolfs various facial features. "What big teeth you have..." The wolf, enraged at having to listen to the stupid bitch's nonsensical ramblings, jumped out of the bed and ate Little Red Riding Hood. Do not fret, the story does have a happy ending. A Woodsman prince, a firm advocate of free market economics, 2nd Amendment absolutism, sometimes owl hunter, seal clubber and whale harpooner was in the neighborhood clear cutting the forest and mowing down anything that moved with his arsenal of high tech weaponry. Hearing the slurping sounds of the wolf feeding on stupid bitches, he ran into the small cabin and let fly 16 rounds of 12 gauge buckshot from his Streetsweeper in less than ten seconds. He shot the wolf into various hunks of flying flesh. There is a moral to the story children, that even though someone does the world a favor by eliminating liberal leaning dumbshit bimbos, we must, for the sake of public relations, draw the line at eating them. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Q: Why did Spiderman buy a computer? A: To get on the World Wide Web. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ PINKYDINKS In the legal context of defining pornography, a Supreme Court justice who has having trouble with that definition once said "But I know it when I see it." This is the same problem we had the other day when we heard a fellow call another a "pinkydink". Though the word had a familiar ring to it, we could not find it listed in any of our dictionaries finding ourselves in a similar quandary as that Supreme Court justice. Though we may not be able to define it, we sure know one when we see one. Here follows some help in the matter for those of you who find the word attractive enough in it's silliness to use yourselves around the home or office. A pinkydink is someone who: Calls police when a dog poops in their yard. Faints at Barry Manilow concerts. Recites scripture at work. Buys pre-packaged frozen baked potatoes. Thinks sleeping is fun. Tattles on fellow employees. Buys whole life insurance policies. Never missed an episode of CHIPS. Brings Connie Frances albums to parties. Really thinks cats are smarter than dogs. Complains about crossposting on the net. Buys Draconian Zircons from HSN. Believes philosophy majors know more about things than anyone else. Thinks Uranus is not funny. Everyone deserves one foible, but more than one of these and you're in serious trouble friend... ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ SNB Washington DC With massive lobbying from the CDC (Committee for Disease Control) Congress passed new legislation today making heterosexual sex illegal. Spokesperson C. Nosrep, of the CDC, said that their research has shown that being born is the major contributing cause of death in the United States. The CDC stated that all known artificial means of birth control is not 100% effective in preventing births. Making heterosexual intercourse illegal would be the only means to insure that people are not born. The CDC estimates if heterosexual intercourse is stopped throughout the world by the year 2000, death among the world's human population would be wiped out by the year 2090. þ Tag-X Pro v1.60 þ Hebrew: Macho glass of beer. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Ralphy and Bobby-o, a couple of bums, met up one afternoon on a train siding outside a small town. They got to talking and trading stories when Ralphy said, "You know, man, I had my best day as a bum yesterday. It was unbelievable." "Oh, yeah?" says Bobby-o to keep the story going. "Yeah. I was walking along the alley behind main street here last evening when I saw a cook throw a big box into the dumpster behind this restaurant. I went over to take a little look and what did I find in that box? There was a large deluxe pizza, still warm from the oven and sealed in its pizza box. And that's not all. There was a six-pack of beer . . . so cold it must have just come from the icebox. And the piece of resistance -- an unopened box of Ding Dongs. I took that carton out of the dumpster and skedaddled over to the municipal park and sat down and had me a feast. It was the best day I ever had as a bum." Bobby-o was in a reverie when the story stopped. He gathered his wits and said, "Ain't that something, yesterday was my best day as a bum, too." "No kidding. Tell me, buddy." "Well, I was walking alongside this railroad siding just after dark when I saw this woman lying across the tracks. When I got closer I could see she was fine and she wasn't wearing very much clothes, if you know what I mean. To top it off, she was tied up. So I just picked her up and carried her over to some nearby bushes and I had the best sex I have ever had in my whole entire life." "Wow-wee," said Ralphy, "did you get head?" "Now that's the darnedest thing. It seems a train done come by and lopped off her head before I got there." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ In medieval times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. One story tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head. The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to a church door at Wittenburg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great discoveries and inventions. Guttenburg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Frances Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper. The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen," as a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah. " Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He never made money and is famous only only because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives writing tragedies, comedies, and errors. In one play, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the king by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. The enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton, and is chiefly noticeable in autumn when the apples are falling off the trees. Bach was the most famous musician of the world as so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the east and the sun sets in the west. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally her death was the final event which ended her reign. One great author was John Milton, he wrote Paradise Lost, then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. During the Renaissance, America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were the Nina, the Pinto, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was known as Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock they were greeted by the Indians who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpuses on their backs. Many of the Indian heroes were killed along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal for them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born, Captain John Smith was responsible for this. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the British put tacks in the tea. Also, the colonists would send their mail through the post without stamps. Finally, the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin and gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He died in 1790, and is still dead. George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution, the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms. France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children. The frontier was a harsh land. There were heroes like Cling Eastwood, Davy Croquet, and Dan Knee Boom. They fought Indians, helped ladies in dispress, fought in gumfights, tied up cows (hense the name cowboys), and rode off into the sunset. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest precedent. Lincoln's mother mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he made with his own hands. When Lincoln was president, he wore only a tall, silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation, and the fourteenth amendment gave the ex-negros citizenship. But, the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-negros and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and order. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of 100 men. Samuel morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote The Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radium, and Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers. The first World War, caused by the assination of the Austrian Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new era in the anals of human history. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Everytime the husband went to work, his vivacious wife invited her male "friend" over for some exercise in the master bedroom. One day shortly after the husband left for work, the "friend" arrived right on time and mad passionate sounds could be heard from behind the master bed room wall. Just then, her male lover heard a loud noise and said, "What was that?" The wife said, "It's my husband. He evidently did not go to work today. Quick, get out of here. He'll skin you alive!" But, the lover shrugged, "I'm naked. I don't have any clothes on!" The wife repeated, "Get out of here NOW." And she shoved him out the window. Outside, with not a stitch on, the man noticed a group of half dozen joggers approaching. So he ran towards the group and joined in with them. While positioned somewhere near the center of the joggers, a nearby female jogger said to the man, "Do you always jog naked?" He responded, "Why, yes." She responded, "And do you always wear a condom?" The man replied, "Only if it looks like rain!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A prudish lady once accosted Samuel Johnson shortly after publication of his monumental dictionary of the English language. Said she, "Dr. Johnson, I am distressed that your dictionary contains so many vulgar words." Replied Johnson, "Madam, I am immeasurably distressed that you actually looked them up!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Top 25 Ways to Frighten Your Roomate During the Christmas Holidays 1. Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If S/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloody murder and thrash on the floor. 2. Go to the mall with your roommate and sit on Santa's lap. Refuse to get off. 3. Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you're wearing it. 4. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting "Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town..." 5. Hang mistletoe in the doorway. When your roommate enters or leaves the room, plant a wet one on his/her lips. 6. Hang a stocking with your roommate's name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say "you've been very naughty all year!" 7. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games. 8. Make conversation out of Christmas carols. (I.E. "You know, I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night.") 9. Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow. 10. Sing: "All I want for christmas is my roommate's two front teeth..." 11. Give your roommate the gifts from the 12 days of Christmas song. 12. Build a snowman with your roommate and place a hat on its head. When it doesn't come to life, cry hysterically "It didn't work!" 13. Whip your roommate screaming "now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner and Blitzen, ect." 14. Tear down all your roommate's Christmas decorations telling "Bah Humbug!" 15. Wake up every morning screaming "Ghost of Christmas Future, please have mercy on my soul!" 16. Tell your roommate you're moving out. Santa's buying you a house on 34th street. 17. Pin a pointsetta to your lapel. 18. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first. 19. Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roommate's friends "give it a yank." 20. Ring jingle bells manaically saying "every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings." 21. Stand in front of the mirror reciting "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" over and over in your underwear. 22. Smoke mistletoe. Do what comes naturally. 23. Watch your roommate when s/he is sleeping. When s/he wakes up, sing "He sees you when you're sleeping..." 24. Steal a life sized nativity scene and display it in your room. When you roommate asks, tell him/her "I had to let them stay here, there's no room at the inn!" 25. When your roommate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her possessions. Tell him/her that Santa's elves must have done it. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ When my son was a toddler, a friend of mine was pregnant. After my son felt the baby move one day, he started asking how the baby got into my friend's stomach. Trying to be calm and professional about it, I related the making of babies to growing flowers. We discussed how the mama has the seed buried in her stomach and the daddy fertilizes the seed to make the baby grow. He appeared to understand this analogy and went along his merry way. Little did I know just how much he understood and remembered until we were in the grocery store several months later. Along comes an obviously pregnant woman when my son runs up to her, looks back at me and YELLS, "Look Mom, a daddy fertilized her!" --- We recently acquired an old set of encyclopedia for our family library. While clearing off shelf space we were being assisted by our five year old daughter. She became quite curious and asked 'What is an encyclopedia?' I explained that you could look up things in these books, and learn more about many topics. I offered the example of Hummingbird, and showed her the pictures and text in volume 'H'. After a moment or two of study she said, 'Oh, I get it. It's just like Encarta but in books!' --- An editor had to admonish his son because of the lad's truancy from school and general lack of diligence. "You must go every day, study hard, and become a really good scholar," said the father. "Otherwise, you know, you'll never follow in my footsteps and become and editor. Knowledge is important. What would you do, for instance, if your magazine came out full of mistakes?" "Father," said the boy, "I'd blame the printer." And the father went away happily, knowing he had a successor. --- Browsing through the personal library of a friend, a famous author spotted a book that appealed to him. he asked if he might borrow the book sometime. "You are more than welcome to read it anytime you like," responded the neighbor. "However, I have a rule that no book leaves the library, so you may read it here at your leisure." A few weeks later, the neighbor approached the author, after a heavy snowfall, and asked to borrow his snow-blower. "Certainly," responded the author, "but according to my rule, it must be used on these premises." --- George Bernard Shaw, tall and slender, was once told by G.K. Chesterton, who was noted for his rotundity: "To look at you, Shaw, a person would think there was a famine in England." To which Shaw sarcastically retorted: "Yes, and to look at you, he'd think you were the cause of it." --- A teacher while conducting a class said to her pupils: "Now we have fifteen minutes within which to do nothing else, so let's work some riddles and conundrums. I'll ask the first. Let's see who can guess the answer. If Washington crossed the Delaware, how old am I?" There was a blank stare on everyone's face, but for one little youngster in the back of the room who was busily scribbling on a piece of paper. Finally, he raised his hand and said: "Teacher, I have the answer." "What is it, Johnny," said she. "Forty-eight," came back the answer. "That's right, but how did you guess it?" "Oh," said Johnny, "I didn't guess it, I worked it out by arithmetic; you see, I have a brother at home, his name is Tommy, he's twenty-four, and he's half nuts. Two times twenty-four is forty-eight." --- The preacher, after talking to his congregation about free salvation, asked Brother Smith to take up the collection. A parishioner got to his feet and protested: "Parson, I thought you said salvation was free -- free as the water we drink." "Salvation is free, Brother," replied the minister. "It's free and the water is free, but when we pipe it to you, you have to pay for the piping." --- Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree, British actor and manager, once berated a young actor for his overbearing conceit. "I assure you, sir," said the other indignantly, "that I am not suffering from a swelled head." "It isn't the swelling that causes suffering," reported Tree. "It's the subsequent shrinkage that hurts." --- The oldest member of the town's planning committee had quietly pointed out flaws in several amibitious plans set forth by the Big Thinkers in the group. "Blast it, Ben," said one firmly, "do you have to throw cold water on everything?" "Cold water," countered Uncle Ben, "just naturally results when a lot of hot air gets on thin ice!" --- A six-year-old and her four-year-old brother had a difference of opinion which finally led to blows. "Children! Children!" exclaimed their mother. "Haven't you heard of the golden rule?" "Yes," sputtered the six-year-old, "but he did unto me first." --- Abraham Lincoln was once accused, during a debate, of being two- faced. "I leave it to you, my audience," he replied, "if I had two faces, would I be wearing this one?" --- The preacher was preparing his sermon as his small daughter watched. "Daddy," she asked, "does God tell you what to say?" "Of course, honey," he answered, "why do you ask?" "Oh," was the reply, "then why do you scratch some of it out?" --- A prison chaplain was walking a convicted criminal to the gallows to be hanged. On the way, the chaplain said to the prisoner, "The future will be much better for you in heaven." "You don't really believe that!" replied the prisoner. "I most certainly do," responded the chaplain. "Then switch places with me," said the prisoner, "because I like the present just fine." --- A fourth grade class, beginning their study of United States Presidents, was involved in a trivia quiz. When asked which President had a stuffed animal named after him, the class immediately responded, "Garfield." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Breast Enlargement A woman had always been dissatisfied with the size of her breasts. All of her friends had larger breasts, and she always noticed how men had glanced at her friends' breasts longingly but she never got a look-in. She decided that she needed breast enlargement surgery to increase the size of her breasts, so she would feel more self-confident and sexy. The only problem was that her husband was a miserly BASTARD, and she knew that he wouldn't be willing to pay for surgery. However, things were desperate, so she gave it a go. As expected, her husband was mortified. "I'M NOT GOING TO PAY FOR YOU TO GET BIGGER TITS JUST SO OTHER MEN CAN LOOK AT THEM !" he wailed She impressed how desperate she was, and that it would help their own sex life if nothing else. But, he still wasn't going to PAY for surgery, so he thought for a while and decided on a compromise. "Tell you what," he said. "Why don't you rub PAPER between your breasts every morning. In no time at all you'll have absolutely HUGE Hooters." "Why the hell should THAT work?" she cried. "Why Shouldn't it... it's certainly worked that way for your ARSE !!" * QMPro 1.53 * The *ONLY* thing free of charge is a dead battery! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Subject: Old Shep Died . The joke you asked about is one of my favorites. It dates back (at least) to the turn of the century and was a popular vaudeville routine. There are many variations on it. One of them was in "The McGuff Readers." The set-up for the version I heard is that a wealthy country squire has been away on business. He arrives home by train and is met by his hired hand at the station. As the hired hand drives, the following conversation takes place: Farmer(F): Did anything important happen while I was away? Hired hand(H): Naw, nothing important...except Ole Shep died. F: He was my very favorite dog! How did he die? H: He ate a bunch of burned horse meat and died. F: Burned horse meat??? Where did he get burned horse meat??? H: Oh, I forgot about that. See, the barn burned down and the horses were all killed and Shep ate a bunch of burned horse meat and he died. F: How did the barn catch fire???!!! H: Sparks. Oh, I forgot about that. See, the house was on fire and the wind blew sparks onto the barn and the barn burned down and the horses were all killed and Shep ate a bunch of burned horsemeat and he died. F: How did the house catch fire??? H: The curtains. See, the wind blew the curtains against the candles, and they caught on fire and the house caught on fire, and the house burned down and the wind blew the sparks onto the barn and the barn burned down and the horses were all killed and Shep ate a bunch of burned hirse meat and he died. F: Candles??? We haven't used candles for years! Why were there candles burning in the house???!!! H: They were around the coffin. F: THE COFFIN!! WHAT COFFIN??!! H: Oh, I forgot about that. Your mother-in-law died. I think it was the shock that killed her. And we laid her out with candles around the coffin, and the wind blew the curtains against the candles, and the curtains caught fire and the house caught fire and the wind blew sparks onto the barn and the barn burned down and the horses were all killed and Shep ate a bunch of burned horse meat and died. F: Shock? You said my mother-in-law died of shock? H: Oh, I forgot about that. Your wife ran away with a Bible salesman, and the shock killed your mother-in-law and we laid her out with candles all around her and the wind blew the curtains against the candles and the curtains caught fire, and the house burned down and the wind blew sparks onto the barn and the barn burned down and the horses were all killed and Shep ate a bunch if burned horse meat and he died...but let me think...well, other than that, nothing much happened while you were away. At this point the farmer faints. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A man, who was over one hundred years of age, kept giving in to his amorous urges. Attractive to women, young and old, he put a notch in his cane for each conquest. A month later he died. He made the mistake of learning on his cane! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ what do you call 500 elephants at a concert? the audience. why don't elephants like turnips? for the same reasons that no one likes turnips. why don't elephants cross their eyes? because i's are dotted, t's are crossed. when does an elephant charge? when he doesn't have the cash. what do you get when you cross an elephant with a skunk? very few friends. how do you keep an elephant from getting angry? you better find out! what happened when an elephant took a bus? he got arrested and they made him return it. how can you tell an elephant from a bowel of potato salad? if you can't tell that, don't come to my picnic. why do elephants wear ice skates? because they can't play hockey very well on skis. where are elephants found? where they were lost, usually. why don't drunks see blue elephants? blue elephants aren't allowed in bars. what do you get if you cross an elephant with an ant? whatever you call it - it only takes one to ruin a picnic. why do elephants paint their toenails red? to hide in cherry trees. why haven't you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? because it works. why don't elephants eat fruit cocktail? they think the cherries are toenails. why don't elephants water-ski? very few own boats. why don't elephants like beer? who said they don't? what do you get when you cross an elephant with a dairy cow? how do you think they make peanut butter? what do you get when you cross an elephant with a parrot? i'm not sure, but give it a cracker when it wants one! why did the elephant call in sick? no one ever calls in well? where do blue elephants come from? unhappy families. where do white elephants come from? church bazaars. what do you get if you cross an elephant with a cat? something that purrs as it squishes you. why don't elephants make good bartenders? a lot of people quit drinking when they see them. why don't a lot of elephants have master's degrees? there aren't a lot of elephants anymore. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished they fell asleep and didn't wake up till 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she does as he asks (thinking him pretty weird). The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door. Upset, she asks where he's been. The man replies "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love then fell asleep. That's why I'm late." The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, "I see those grass stains on your shoes. You've been playing golf again, haven't you!?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ I'm feeling depressed about last week's re-election of Bill Clinton so I though I'd vent my anger here with my two favorite jokes about him. 1) President Clinton was sitting in the stands at an opening day baseball game with his wife when suddenly a Secret Service agent comes running up and whispers something in his ear. Bill frowns as the agent walks away but suddenly stands up, picks up Hillary, and tosses her out of the stands onto the field. The agent comes running back saying, "No, no, Mr. President, you were supposed to throw out the first *pitch*. 2) President Clinton is getting off his plane after a trip to Arkansas. Under each arm is a pig. A Secret Service agent walks up and says, "Nice pigs, sir." The president replies, "The are genuine razorbacks from my home state of Arkansas. I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea." Suddenly a smile crosses the agent's face. "Good trade, sir!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The following is the urinal configuration in a sample men's room. An X above the number will indicate "in use." (Sample): | | | x | | | x | (Indicates that urinals 3 and 6 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | are occupied.) ------------------------- You are to identify, based on urinal etiquette, at which stall you should stand. Good luck! -------------------- Easy Section -------------------- 1.) | | x | | x | | | (Urinals 2 and 4 occupied.) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | ------------------------- Your choice: ___ ----------------------------------------------------------------- Correct answer: 6 It's the ONLY one to go to and every guy instinctively knows this. =============================================== 2.) | x | | | | | | (Urinal 1 occupied.) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | ------------------------- Your choice: ___ ----------------------------------------------------------------- Correct answer: 6 Stall 5 is acceptable, but you run a greater risk of being next to someone who arrives later. =============================================== ------------------------- Kind of tricky Section: ------------------------- 3.) | | | | | | | (empty) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | -------------------------- Your choice: __ ----------------------------------------------------------------- Correct answer: 1 or 6 You are tacitly saying, "I don't want anyone next to me." =============================================== 4.) | | x | | x | | x | (2, 4 and 6 occupied) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | ------------------------- Your choice: ___ ----------------------------------------------------------------- Correct answer: 1 You're stuck being next to at least ONE guy, so you minimize the impact and get a wall on your left. NEVER go between TWO guys if you can help it. Exceptions to this are stadium restrooms where the herd thunders in. =============================================== ----------------------------------------------- Subtle, tricky, but important to know Section ----------------------------------------------- 5.) | | x | | | x | x | (2, 5 and 6 occupied) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | ------------------------- Your choice: __ ----------------------------------------------------------------- Correct answer: 4 Believe it or not, 1 and 3 "couples" you with the guy in stall 2. And we wouldn't want THAT now, would we? This differs from question 4 in such a subtle way that the nuances cannot be explained. Suffice to say, only we men would understand! =============================================== ----------------------------- VERY tricky indeed Section ----------------------------- 6.) | x | x | | | x | x | (1, 2, 5 and 6 occupied) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | ------------------------- Your choice: ___ ----------------------------------------------------------------- Correct answer: NONE! You go to the mirror and pretend to comb your hair or straighten a tie until the urinals "open up" a bit more. If you have to go REAL, REAL BAD, for god's sake! ... use a doored stall. =============================================== Other parts of the Unwritten Code of the Urinals: -- NO Talking, unless it's a good friend... but even then, keep it terse and unemotional. This ain't no clubhouse. -- I don't think I need to tell you, absolutely NO touching of anyone other than yourself. A touch of another's elbow is of the highest offense. -- NO Singing. Period. -- Glances are for purposes of acknowledgment only..."Yeah, I see you there. I will not look again". ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A doctor, picking up his car at a garage, was highly indignant at the size of the repair bill. "All this for a few hours' work!" he yelped. "Why, you charge more for your work than we of the medical profession do!" "Well, now," drawled the mechanic, "the way I look at it, we got it coming to us. You guys have been working on the same old model since time began, but we gotta learn a brand-new model every year." --- Charlie Brown's young friend, Linus, once expressed a conviction shared by many. He had just told his big sister Lucy that he was going to be a doctor when he grew up. It was Lucy, you may recall, who once prompted Linus to remark that big sisters are "the crab grass in the lawn of life." Lucy couldn't believe her ears. "You a doctor! That's a laugh! You could never be a doctor! You know why? Because you don't love mankind." Immediately young Linus countered, "I do too love mankind! It's people I can't stand!" --- An immigrant in Kansas was brought before the judge for a petty offsense. The judge asked the man if anyone present could vouch for his character. "To be sure, your honor, there's the sheriff." The sheriff looked amazed. "Your honor, I do not even know this man." "Your honor," came back the man, quick as a flash, "I've lived in this country for more than twelve years and the sheriff does not know me yet. Isn't that a character reference for you?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Clues for Individuals --------------------- The following 11 tips based on allegedly true stories reported from observers in the field. 1. If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx. 2. If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button. 3. If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work, you need to hook it to a water source. Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with water. 4. No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier. 5. A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet. 6. It's okay to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat. 7. When the PC says, "Insert diskette #2," don't do it immediately. Remove disk #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in there. 8. When your PC says "You have mail," don't go to the company mail room and look for a package. 9. The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn't translate English language web pages into French. 10. If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get an e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don't. 11. If you go to the computer store to buy a mousepad, you don't have to specify whether it's for a Windows or a Macintosh. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ This bartender was working in a bar and this long stretch limo pulls up. This guy, obviously filthy rich, walks into the bar with the most beautiful woman this bartender had ever seen, but this rich guy has a teeny tiny head on his shoulders. This guy sits down at the bar with his beautiful woman and orders some drinks. Finally, curiosity gets the better of the bartender and finally he just can't help but ask this guy why he has such a small head. The rich guy proceeds to tell the bartender about this story about a genie in a bottle that he had found and how he had rubbed it and the genie had come out of the bottle and had granted him three, but only three, wishes. His first wish had been to become the richest man in the world and poof, he was the richest man in the world. His second wish had been to have the most beautiful girl in the world as his girlfriend. Poof, there she was. Then he said, "Hey, how about a little head?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Top Ten Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password By Dave Fore 10. E-Mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy." 9. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard. 8. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip. 7. Your web browser has a new home page: It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit. 5. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. Illinois: 1. It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets. Indiana: 1. Bathing is prohibited during the winter. 2. Citizens are not allowed to attend a movie house or theater nor ride in a public streetcar within at least four hours after eating garlic. Iowa: 1. Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes. Kentucky: 1. By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground." 2. It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket. Louisana: 1. It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol. 2. Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault." Massachusetts: 1. Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches. 2. Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked. 3. An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ * On September 19, a branch of the large, financially-troubled Czech Republic bank Agrobanka was robbed of about $8,000. The next day, Agrobanka head Jiri Klumpar praised the robbery as a sign of public confidence, signifying that people now believe the bank actually has money in it. * More Anal-Retentive Suspects: Charinassa Fairley was charged in July with killing her husband in Baton Rouge, La., after police found a checklist that included the notations "Make a prank call to him; offer food and love; make him take a bath with you. Put on gloves" and "Make love like never before for the last time. Lay down after he falls asleep. Pop him." And in September, former Navy Ensign Dana R. Collins, 35, was convicted of the murder of a colleague after police found a to-do list that included the items "Take him out," "Cut him up/take head/fingers and toes," "Put him in 2 bags," and "Drive body to Pennsylvania. Keep head and fingers and toes--scatter on way back." And after Gary Lynn Davis, 43, was arrested in July and charged with sexual assaults on several children around Adrian, Pa., police found in his home a neatly printed, three-page list of 125 "Boys and Girls I've Been With" that included abbreviations for the acts committed with each. * The New York Attorney General's office announced in September that a new state law banning prison inmates from throwing bodily fluids at guards did not cover one pressing problem: Some inmates recently mailed their semen in plastic pouches to their wives or girlfriends as an expression of love, and the envelopes squished open when run through mail-sorting machines, splattering workers. However, since the inmates did not intend to splatter them, the law does not apply. THE LITIGIOUS SOCIETY * In July, artist Victoria Baldwin prevailed in her lawsuit against the Sydney, Australia, salon Synergy over a bad haircut she got last year. She won $750 plus $234 to compensate her for the hats she had to buy to disguise the cut, which she described as so bad that she looked like Hillary Clinton. * Three Texas residents filed a lawsuit in Lufkin, Tex., against the Walt Disney Co., objecting to three recent films marketed to family audiences that they say actually contained subliminal sexual messages: "The Little Mermaid" supposedly has a scene in which a minister has an erection; a voiceover in one scene in "Aladdin" whispers "Take off your clothes"; and "The Lion King" contains a scene in which the word "sex" is formed with clouds, grass, and flower petals. * Scott Byron Morrison, 47, in jail awaiting trial for the 1995 murder of his ex-wife, filed a $500,000 lawsuit against Calgary (Alberta) General Hospital in August. Morrison claims that if the hospital had properly treated him for a mental illness, he would not have been released and would not, four days later, have killed the woman with a shotgun blast. * Earlier this year, unsuccessful Puyallup, Wash., school-board candidate Dale Washam filed a lawsuit against House Speaker Newt Gingrich, the Washington state Republican party, and others because, he said, the Republicans stole the 1994 "Contract with America" idea from him. Washam said he originated the concept of holding political candidates to their promises when he ran in 1991, 1992, and 1993. * Customer Jerry Merich filed a lawsuit against the Starbucks Corp. in July over a 1995 injury in which a Starbucks employee in the company's Littleton, Colo., shop greeted him with a "high five" slap of the hand and caused a shoulder injury which left Merich unable to work for six months. THE ENTREPRENEURIAL SPIRIT * In August, Chris Bowdish's Chevron gas station in Lake Oswego, Ore., offered free mammograms administered by local hospital personnel. Said Bowdish, "You can tune up your body while you're having your car tuned up." * A Minneapolis firm is marketing an electronic device that allows people to see whether they have the proper temperament to become parents in that it "cries" at random intervals (more often on the "cranky" setting than on the "easy" setting) and stops only when the "parent" reacts properly. To stop the crying, a probe must be held in place for up to 35 minutes to simulate the time required to feed, bathe, and comfort the crying infant. Shaking or tilting the device causes it to register an "abuse" signal. * At a trade fair in Vienna, Austria, in August, body-paint artist Karl Machhamer demonstrated his design for a skin-tight latex condom, custom-painted onto a penis. He plans to market bottles with enough paint for three applications, along with instructions, for about $8. The main drawback is the seven-minute wait while the paint dries. * In July Philadelphia, Pa., inventor Bill Killian introduced the Lawn Buddy message machine, in which a 5-inch-tall mechanical animal arises from a flower pot placed by the front door, announces that the resident is away, and invites the visitor to say a message. Killian says it will be on the market in early 1997 for about $30. * Earlier this year and backed by $100,000 in federal, state, and private grants, Kodiak, Alaska, photographer Marion Stirrup developed PlanTea, a nutrient-rich mix of kelp, fish bone meal, dried beet root powder, and other ingredients, which she touts as a superior plant food. Stirrup says the list of ingredients came to her telepathically from her 16-inch palm plant, georgiane (which prefers its name spelled with a lower-case G, Stirrup said). NO LONGER WEIRD * Adding to the list of stories that were formerly weird but which now occur with such frequency that they must be retired from circulation: (7) The person believed to be missing and dead but who attends his own funeral and shocks the mourners, as did Dulal Chandra Das, who turned up in October after having merely gone off from his home in Calcutta, India, to pray for a while. And (8) the episodes of just-deserts shootings in hunting season, as when Clifford Shellman allegedly shot to death another hunter in May near Blooming Grove, N. Y., after the two inadvertently coaxed each other closer together by sounding their turkey lures. UNDIGNIFIED DEATHS * In August, a 60-year-old stray-dog-caretaker was killed in Los Angeles when four large sacks of dog food fell on top of her in her home. And in August, the Ontario Labour Ministry issued a warning after two professional divers drowned in June and July in ponds while searching for golf balls for Sports Quest, Inc., which runs a $500,000-a-year business of reselling "experienced golf balls." And Basilio Re died in the village of Vigogna, Italy, in July, during a party to celebrate his 100th birthday, when a gust of wind blew off his hat and he suffered a heart attack chasing it. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Here's a real crazy one. No malice intended > Finally!!! The macarena translated!!! > > Bale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena > Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegria y cosa buena > Bale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena > Ehhh, Macarena! > > (Dance to shitty music stupid Americans! > You are so stupid that you think this shitty music is good > Dance to shitty music stupid Americans > Heeeyyy, stupid Americans!) > > Macarena tiene un novio que se llama > Que se llama de apellido Vitorino > Y en la jura de bandera del muchacho > Se la dio con dos amigos > > (Stupid americans will have sex with a llama > Why is the llama named Vitronio? > While you're busy your girl will go at it with our friends > and we'll be friends with them)(note, doesn't translate well) > > Que le gusta la movida guerrilera > Macarena suean con el Corte Ingles > Y se compra los mnodelos mas modernos > Le gustaria vivr on Nueva York > > (With much force you bugger gorillas > Stupid Americans buy their clothes at K-Mart > And they compare their asses with their faces > We think New York Sucks!) ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ * The word "queueing" is the only English word with five consecutive vowels. * The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P. * The two longest one-syllable words in the English language are "screeched" and "strengths." * The longest word in the Oxford English Dictionary is "floccinaucinihilipilification," which means "the act of estimating as worthless." * The abbreviation for pound, "lb.," comes from the astrological sign Libra, meaning balance, and symbolized by scales. * February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon. * Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonalds. * The Chinese ideogram for 'trouble' symbolizes 'two women living under one roof'. * In Chinese, the words for crisis and opportunity are the same. * Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired." * The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. * Maine is the only state that borders on only one state. * The word 'byte' is a contraction of 'by eight.' * The average ear of corn has eight-hundred kernels arranged in sixteen rows. * The famous split-fingered Vulcan salute is actually intended to represent the first letter ("shin," pronounced "sheen") of the word "shalom." As a small boy, Leonard Nimoy observed his rabbi using it in a benediction and never forgot it; eventually he was able to add it to "Star Trek" lore. * The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards." * The term the "Boogey Man will get you" comes from the Boogey people, who still inhabit an area of Indonesia. These people still act as pirates today and attack ships that pass. Thus the term spread "if you don't watch out the Boogey man will get you." * The longest U.S. highway is route 6 starting in Cape Cod, Massachusetts going through 14 states, and ending in Bishop, California... * "Underground" is the only word in the English language that begins and ends with the letters "und." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Mark Twain visited Windsor many years ago, and the local Chamber of Commerce people showed him the attractions of the Windsor area. They showed him the river, first when the tide was in, and then when the tide was out. They asked him what he thought of it, and it is local legend that Mark Twain is reputed to have said that never before had he realized how important water was to a river. One would have thought they would have left well enough alone, but they pressed the matter further and said, "Well, Mr. Twain, what do you think of Windsor itself?" Finally, after finding himself throughly cornered, Mark Twain said he would have to grant that Windsor was a unique town. He was questioned further as to what he meant by "unique": "What do you mean? In what way is Windsor a unique town?" Mark Twain said that he supposed that when he said Windsor was a unique town that he had in mind the derivation from the Latin "uni" which is "one," and "ques" meaning "horse." ***************************************************************************** One of Mark Twain's bad habits, in the eyes of his wife, was his custom of calling on neighbors without a collar or necktie. One afternoon upon his return from a neighborhood visit, his wife scolded him for his negligence. So Clemens departed to his study and in a few moments sent a small package back to the neighbor's house. And accompanying note read as follows: "Just a little while ago I visited you for something like a half-hour minus my collar and tie. The missing articles are enclosed. Will you kindly gaze at them for 30 minutes and then return them to me?" ***************************************************************************** Mark Twain, in his reporting days, was instructed by and editor never to state anything as a fact that he could not verify from personal knowlege. Sent out to cover an important social event soon afterward, he turned in the following: "A woman giving the name of Mrs. James Jones, who is reported to be one of the society leaders of the city, is said to have given what purported to be a party yesterday to a number of alleged ladies. The hostess claims to be the wife of a reputed attorney." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Matsushita Electric is promoting a new Japanese PC targeted at the Internet. Panasonic has developed a complete Japanese Web browser, and to make the system "user-friendly", licensed the cartoon character "Woody Woodpecker" as the "Internet guide." Panasonic eventually planned on a world version of the product. A huge marketing campaign was to have introduced the product in Japan last week. The day before the ads were to be released, Panasonic suddenly pulled back and delayed the product launch indefinitely. The reason: the ads featured the slogan "Touch Woody - The Internet Pecker." An American staff member at the internal product launch explained to the stunned and embarrassed Japanese what "touch woody" and "pecker" meant in American slang. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The new bank president was being introduced to the employees. He singled out one of the men at the tellers' windows, questioning him in detail about his work. "I have been here 40 years," said the teller, with conscious pride, "and in all that time I only made one slight mistake." "Good," replied the president. "Let me congratulate you. But, hereafter be more careful." ***************************************************************************** A small town bank gained the title to a filling station via a foreclosure. To demonstrate his concern that the newly acquired enterprise was being run efficiently, the bank president sent one of his loan officers to check the operation. The loan officer decided to get the feel of the business by helping out at the pumps. When his first customer said, "Fill 'er up," the banker started into action, but then asked the customer: "How far are you going?" "Just down to the state line," the customer replied. "Then you won't need a full tank," cautioned the banker. "I'll let you have five gallons." ***************************************************************************** The employees of a bank went on strike, leaving teller functions to the bank officers. A customer phoned the bank during the strike and asked if the bank was open. "Yes," she was told, "we have two windows open." After much hesitation, the customer meekly asked, "You mean I can't come in through the front door?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Every now and then we are all pestered by these high-tech telemarketing companies where the sales pitch is usually disguised as a survey of some kind. The despicable thing about these things is that they won't leave you alone. If you hang up, they will just call back again. One day my wife got a call from one of these computer systems, and her answering machine answered. The conversation that followed was hilarious, as it consisted of two machines talking to each other without having the slightest idea about what each other was saying. The conversation wound up in an endless loop, as follows: [PHONE] *RING* [ANSWERING MACHINE] "...At the tone, please give your message. BEEEEEP." [PHONE] "Hello. This is [company_name], and we are taking a telephone survey ... when I ask a question, wait for the beep, then please speak plainly. I will repeat your answer back to you, and verify it. First, what is your phone number? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." (The answering machine, upon hearing the beep, got confused and thought it was a play-back command, and generated another beep in response.) [ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." [PHONE] "Thank you! Your phone number was 443-28347-47756-377764-22222. Is that correct? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." [ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." [PHONE] "Thank you! Do you have any children? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." [ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." [PHONE] Thank you! What is the age of your first child? BEEEEEEEEEEP." [ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." [PHONE] "Your first child is 1,222 years old. Is that correct? BEEEEEP." [ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." [--------------- BEGIN ENDLESS LOOP ----------------] [PHONE] "Thank you! Do you have any more children? BEEEEEEP." [ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." [PHONE] "Thank you! What is this child's age? BEEEP." [ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." [PHONE] "This child is 4,233 years old. Is that correct? BEEEEP." [ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." [---------------------END LOOP -----------------------] My wife, upon noticing that the answering machine had been going for over half an hour, turned up the volume to find out what was going on. When she discovered this endless loop (by now she had over 200 children, all over 1,000 years old), she switched off the answering machine. The computer never called again. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A woman at her beach house asked her husband to collect some snails to make escargot for their dinner party that evening. While on the beach collecting snails, the man saw a beautiful woman in a bikini swimming in the ocean. The woman approached the man and asked him to come back to her place. After having sex with the woman, the man fell asleep and didn't wake up until 1:00 in the morning. Realizing he missed the party, he got dressed, grabbed the pail of snails, and rushed home. While running up the stairs to the house, he tripped, dropped the pail, and the snails spill all over the steps. Just then, the wife opened the door and stared furiously at the husband. Quickly, the man looked down at the snails and said, "Keep going guys, we're almost there." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ How dumb do they come? Dwight Bostic was sentenced to 134 years for 77 sexual and drug related crimes involving teen-agers. Bostic said he still loves the teens - whom he photographed naked, performed sex acts with, and gave drugs and beer - and they still love him, he told the judge. He often took nude photos of them and sometimes masturbated in front of them or asked them to masturbate him. The centerpiece anong the state's evidence was a laminated counter top from Bostic's house, covered with photo's of himself and some of the teens naked. From the Pensacola News Journal Nov. 26 1996 ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The dirty-talkin' town of Alvarado, where I sometimes visit, is on the Gulf Coast of Mexico, a short drive south from Veracruz. It is a community with a unique reputation and once in Veracruz my friend Carlos Campo explained: "Alvarado is famous because the people curse more than anywhere in the world, even the women and childern. They cannot speak one sentence without including one or two curse words, and some of them very bad, very dirty words. It is their ordinary way of talking, and they do not think there is anything bad about it." I asked Carlos if he could give me an example of the way the Alvarado people talk and he said that well, maybe two or three men or women would be standing on the street and they say goodbye and one of them might add, "Adios, and say hello to your son of a bitch mother." Something on that order, or worse, said Carlos. He then told of the Bishop of Alvarado, who had grown up in the town, and who decided the time had come to preach a sermon against cursing. "You must learn," he told his parishioners, "to control your temper, you must not get angry at little things, and then you will not use such bad language all the time. Now, right at this moment, there is an innocent little fly on my hand. I can feel him walking around. I know that most of you would curse him if he were walking around on your hand. But he is only a little fly and he will do me no harm and he will go away and anyway he is one of God's creatures, so why should I curse him?" At this point the Bishop glanced benignly down at his hand, and then exclaimed: "God Almighty! The son of a bitch is a bee!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ When Pat O'Flaherty, having had several beakers of beer too many swallowed a live rabbit by mistake, Mrs. O'Flaherty lost no time in filling the bathtub with very hot water, throwing Mr. O'F. therin, and declaring, "I'm going to scrub your miserable hide until you cough up that poor little rabbit." The song that she sang while performing this operation was of course, ..."I'm Gonna Wash That Hare Right Out of My Man." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ AP - August 22, 1996 - The Energizer Bunny, known best for "going and going and going..." passed away last evening at 12:42am. Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming... Foul play has not been ruled out. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A man goes golfing with his friend, Harry. He arrives home several hours late. His wife asks,"What took you so long?" He replies,"Oh, Ethel, it was an horrible afternoon! On the third hole, Harry had a heart attack and died on the spot!" Ethel says,"Oh, darling! It must have been awful for you!" The husband replies, "It was hell! Fifteen holes of 'hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry...'" --- KT&T Communications, not be confused with AT&T Communications, has registered several new operating units in Texas. Those companies, "I Don't Know", "I Don't Care", "It Doesn't Matter", and "Whoever", charge about double the cost of some other long distance companies for operator- assisted long distance calls, the Associated Press says. The choice comes when the operator asks which long distance company you want to complete your call. "It's not deceptive at all," insists Dennis Dees, president of KT&T. Dees won't say how many calls his new companies has completed, but said "I Don't Care" and "It Doesn't Matter" were the most successful. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news," God said. Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children." Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asked the class to go home and think of a story and then conclude with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asked for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raised her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asked for the moral of the story. Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Next was little Bobby. "Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." Teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched." Last was little Johnny. "My Uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun, and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." Teacher looked in shock at Johnny and asked if there is possibly any moral to his story. Johnny nodded: "Don't f**k with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ An Italian woman competed with a French woman and an English woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The French woman came in first, the English woman, second. The Italian woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Ch> Question: Why can't Ken and Barbie have kids????? Ch> Answer: Because Ken COMES in a separate box! :) HH> Question: Why can't Ken and Barbie have kids????? HH> Answer: Because neither is anatomically correct! Anybody hear about the new Divorce Barbie?? Yup, comes with half of Ken's Stuff! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The OJ trial as Told by Dr. Seuss I did not kill my lovely wife. I did not slash her with a knife. I did not bonk her on the head. I did not know that she was dead. I stayed at home that fateful night. I took a limo, then took a flight. The bag I had was just for me. My bag! My bag! Hey, let it be! When I came home, I had a gash. My hand was cut from broken glass. I cut my hand on broken glass. A broken glass did cause that gash. My friend, he took me for a ride. All through LA, from side to side. From north to south, we took a ride. But from the cops we could not hide. My trial lasted for a year. A year! A year! Just sitting here! The DNA, the HEM, the HAW! The circus-hype the viewers saw! Did you do this awful crime? Did you do this anytime? I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would not, anytime. Did you take this person's life? Did you do it with a knife? I did not do it with a knife. I did not, could not, kill my wife. I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would not, anytime. Did you hit her from above? Did you drop this bloody glove? I did not hit her from above. I cannot even wear that glove! The glove you see it doesn't fit The lawyer says you must acquit Acquit because the cops all lied Acquit, acquit the lawyer cried The jury came back verdict in hand and silence fell across the land Not guilty, not guilty they did decree Not guilty, not guilty, now set him free And now I'm free, I can return To my house for which I yearn. And to my family whom I love. Now would you please return my glove!! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Beavis & Butthead Pickup Lines 1. Uh, hey baby. 2. Uh, do you like come here often, huh huh. I said "come." 3. You need a man in your life, baby. And like, I need a woman. Let's like get into each other's life or whatever. 4. Uh, like let's drop all the uh B.S. and like, you know, do it. 5. Uh, get out of my car and into my dreams, baby. 6. What's your sign? Is it "Yield"? Huh huh huh huh. 7. Would you like carry my books for me? 8. If I said you were sexy, would you hold your body against me? 9. I can make you feel like I've never had sex before. 10. My lips are registered weapons. 11. I'm not trying to pick you up. You're like too heavy. Huh huh huh huh. Get it? 12. If I was the last man on Earth I bet we could do it in public. 13. If you need a love doctor, I have like a medicated degree. 14. If you ever had sex with a machine, that's what it's like with me. 'Cause I'm like a sex machine. 15. If you're really hot, I bet I can cool you down. 16. Hey, are you one of those chicks who goes out with guys right off the bat? 'Cause that's what I'm looking for. 17. Should I call you for breakfast or will you like cook it for me? 18. You may not be really hot, but I bet you like to do it. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ In a narrow decision, Colorado voters approved amending their state consititution with a broadly worded statute to outlaw leghold and body hold traps to control wild animals. Colorado therefore becomes the first state that makes the use of the common mouse trap a prisonable offense. The new amendment does however allow homeowners to use a shotgun to control these pests. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Observations of George Carlin: I feel good. I had a complete annual physical & I'm in good health. They did find a spot on my lung, but fortunately it was BBQ sauce. Some people see the glass as half full, some see it as half empty. I see the glass as too big. Where does the dentist go when he leaves you alone? If he is going to the bathroom- I want to know! Why must hail always be the size of something else? ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ .--. .--. (_ _) "SICK" (_ _) I CANNOT GO TO SCHOOL TODAY )( -by Shel Silverstein )( Said little Peggy Ann McKay. /__\ /__\ [____] __,--"""""""--,__ [____] "I have the measles and the mumps, ) ( _/ \_ ) ( A gash, a rash, and purple bumps. \__/ / ((((((()))) \ \__/ My mouth is wet, my throat is dry, [ _]/ (((((((())))))) \[ ] I'm going blind in my right eye. [(_`"-._((((((( ))))))--"`_) ] [ ) (((( ,_ _, )))) ( ] My tonsils are as big as rocks, [ / (() |*| |*| (() \ ] I've counted sixteen chicken pox. [/ ()) ''' ''' ()) \ ] And there's one more- ( (() '' ^ '' (() ] ...that's seventeen! [ ())'. C====O.'()) / ] And don't you think [(\_/) (() '-._____.-' (()( ( ] ...my face looks green? ./o o\())____/ \____())____) . :(= Y =)@-----'---`-----@--------: My leg is cut, my eyes are blue- |/`----'/|\ /|\ \It might be instamatic flu. |``________________________________ I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke | |\'.'''.'''.".'.'".'..'".'.'.'."" I'm sure that my left leg is broke. | |'\.'"..'...."'"'..'...'.'.'.'.'..'.\ | |.'\.''.'...'''"'..'..'.'.'.'..'. My hip hurts when I move my chin, | |.'.\.'"..'.'."".'".'..'.'.".'.'. My belly button's caving in, | |.'.'\'.".'.".'.".''.'".'.'".'.'. My back is wrenched, | |.".'.\'.'..'.".'.'.-".'.'.'.- '.' ...my ankle's sprained, | |.'.' .\'.'.''.''.''.''.'.'.''.'' My 'pendix pains each time it rains. | |'.'.' .\'".'.-".'.''".''.-'".'.'.'.".'.'.'.\ \ |.'.'." .\".'.'-'.'".'..'.'.'.'.' My nose is cold, my toes are numb, \|.'.'..".'\".'.''.'..".'.''-'''.' I have a sliver in my thumb. \'.'.'.''.'\.'.''.'..'".'.'..'.'. My neck is stiff, my spine is weak. \.'.'.'".'.\'.'".'.'.'".'.".".'. I hardly whisper when I speak. \'".'.".".'\".'.'.".'.'-".'.".'.'.'."."-".'.'.'\ \.'.".'.".'\'.'.".'-'.''.'.'.'.'.'.".'.'.".'.'.\ \'.'.'".".'\'.'.".'.-''".".'. My tongue is filling up my mouth, \'.".'.'.".\'.'.'.'.".'.'.'. I think my hair is falling out. \".'.".'.".\".'-".." .".'.' My elbow's bent- \ \'.".''.".'\".'.'." .'.' ". ...my spine ain't straight. \".'.-'.".'\.'.'- .'.".'. My temperature is one-o-eight. \".".'.'.'|~.-~~-.~~-~.'~-~-.-'~-~..~~'-~-~-~-~| \'.'.''.'|.".'.'..-'.'. My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear, \".'..".|".''.''.'.".' There is a hole inside my ear. \'.".'.|".''..'.'.'.' I have a hangnail, and my heart is- \".'.'|".-.'..'..-'.' ...WHAT? \'.'.|.'.'.-'.'.'.".'..'".'.'.".'.'.".'"..| \'.'|'.'.".'.'..'. What's that? What's that you say? \.'|".''.'-'.'.'. You say today is...Saturday? \'|.-.'-'.-".'." G'bye, I'm going out to play!" \|jgs''.'.'.'.'.'-'.'".'.'.'".'.'.'.'"| ~~~~`~~~`~~~``~~~~```~~~~~`~~~~`~~~~~ ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A dentist lives above a bar run by a guy named Dick. Every day, before leaving for the office the dentist nips into the bar and orders a daiquiri which he then drinks. One morning the barman is making the daiquiri when he discovers that he has run out of crushed almonds to put on the top of the daiquiri. He substitutes crushed hickory nuts instead. The dentist tastes his drink and says "Is this the almond daiquiri Dick?" To which the barman replies, "No, it's the hickory daiquiri doc." --- A man met his ex-wife at a party and after a few drinks asked her if she would spend the night with him 'just for old times sake.' 'Over my dead body' she replied. 'That's right' he smiled, 'let's not change a thing!' --- A little boy was upset over having to attend morning and evening church services. At a morning service one day, as he looked around, he spotted a banner. "Mommy, Mommy, what is that," he said, pointing to a banner on the wall. His mother answered, "John, those are gold stars for people who died in the service." He thought for a moment. "Mommy, the morning service or the evening service?" --- Q>What do you call an unemployed jester? A> Nobody's Fool.......... --- Where do watermelons go for holidays? John Cougars' Melon Camp ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A lady goes into a bakery to buy bread and sees it marked at a dollar a loaf. "What?" she exclaims "The bakery down the street sells it for just 75 cents!" "Why not buy the bread from the other baker, then?" was the reply. "He is out of bread today." complained the customer "Oh" said the baker. "When I'm out of bread I sell it for just 50 cents!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ "BIG BUSTED WOMEN HAVE MORE FUN" -------------------------------- BIG BUSTED WOMEN... ...can get a taxi on the worst days ...have a neat place to carry spare change ...have always been the center of the arts (art) ...make jogging a spectator sport ...can keep a magazine dry while laying the tub ...have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them) ...usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie ...can always carry a little extra ...always float better ...know where to look first for lost earrings ...rarely lack for a slow dance partner ...have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner "SMALL BUSTED WOMEN HAVE BIG HEARTS"? SMALL BUSTED WOMEN... ...don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public ...always look younger ...find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap ...can always see their toes and shoes ...can sleep on their stomachs ...have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars ...know that people can read the entire message on their t-shirts ...know that everything more than a handful is wasted ...can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle ...can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out ...CAN HUG CLOSER AND NICER AND LONGER!!! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A lady named Linda went to Arkansas to visit her in- laws, and while there, went to a store. She parked next to a car with a woman sitting in it, her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently sleeping. When Linda came out a while later, she again saw the woman, her hands still behind her head but with her eyes open. The woman looked very strange, so Linda tapped on the window and said "Are you okay?" The woman answered "I've been shot in the head, and I am holding my brains in." Linda didn't know what to do, so she ran into the store, where store officials called the paramedics. They had to break into the car because the door was locked. When they got in, they found that the woman had bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands. A Pilsbury biscuit dough cannister had exploded, apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her in the head. When she reached back to find what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fright at first, then attempted to hold her brains in. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ 'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE IMPLEMENTATION 'Twas the night before implementation and all through the house, Not a program was working, not even a browse. The programmers hung by their tubes in despair, With hopes that a miracle soon would be there. The users were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of inquiries danced in their heads When out in the machine room there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter. And what to my wondering eyes should appear, But Super Programmer (with a six pack of beer). His resume glowed with experience so rare, He turned out great code with bit-pusher flair. More rapid than eagles, his programs they came, And he whistled and shouted and called them by name: On Update, on Add, on Inquiry, on Delete, On Batch Jobs, on Closing, on Functions complete, His eyes were glazed over, fingers nimble and lean. From weekends and nights in front of a screen. A wink of his eye, and a twitch of his head, Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread. He spoke not a word but went straight to his work, Turning specs into code, and then turned with a jerk, And laying his finger upon the key, He brought it all up and it worked perfectly. The updates updated, the deletes, they deleted; The inquiries inquired and closings completed He tested each whistle, he tested each bell, With nary an abend, all had gone well. The system was finished, the tests were concluded, The clients' last changes were even included. Yet the clients exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt, It's just what we asked for but not what we want! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Men's Life Styles Through the Ages AGE DRINK 17 beer 25 beer 35 vodka 48 double vodka 66 Maalox SEDUCTION LINE 17 My parents are away for the weekend. 25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend. 35 My fiance is away for the weekend. 48 My wife is away for the weekend. 66 My second wife is dead. FAVORITE SPORT 17 sex 25 sex 35 sex 48 sex 66 napping DRUG 17 pot 25 coke 35 really good coke 48 power 66 coke, a limousine, the company jet DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE 17 "tongue" 25 "breakfast" 35 "She didn't set back my therapy." 48 "I didn't bump into her kids." 66 "Got home alive." FAVORITE FANTASY 17 getting to third 25 airplane sex 35 menage a trios 48 taking his company public 66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave HOUSE PET 17 roaches 25 stoned-out college roommate 35 Irish setter 48 children from his first marriage 66 Barbie WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED? 17 25 25 35 35 48 48 66 66 17 IDEAL DATE 17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in 25 "Split the check before we go back to my place" 35 "Just come over." 48 "Just come over and cook." 66 Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas to see Frank ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ARMANDO'S TOP TEN THINGS TO DO AT THE DRIVE THROUGH WINDOW 10. Drive through the drive through in reverse and let your passenger order. 9. Go to McDonald's and ask for a McDLT. When told that they don't have them any more, say "I think you should start stocking up a little more on McDLT's cause this is the fifth day in row that I have been told the same thing." 8. Go to Taco Bell with an old beat up cup and ask for a refill of Dr. Pepper. 7. When they hand you your food, hand them back a bag full of the trash from Wendy's out of your car and ask them if they can throw it away for you. 6. Go to McDonalds and ask for a beef meximelt. When they tell you that they don't have it, complain and say "Hey Cholo, what kind of fast food joint is this anyway? In the East L.A. everybody has beef meximelts." 5. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on. 4. Ask them why they don't have the menu in braille. Tell them you are suing for the unequal treatment of the visually challenged. 3. When asked if they can take your order say "No, why can I take yours?" 2. Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in moving it. When they come out, drive away. 1. Order a cup of water, two napkins, and lots of straws. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ TENNESSEE CITIZENS ARE SENTIENT BEINGS WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP)--In a victory for advocates of states' rights, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled 5-4 in October that Tennessee citizens are sentient beings with a capacity to make certain decisions for themselves. Chief Justice William Rehnquist, writing the Court's majority opinion, stated that, "The absence of higher forms of cognitive thinking skills on a statewide level does not preclude the application of the individual liberties guaranteed in the First Amendment to the residents of that state, no matter how strong the evidence is toward their collective lack of intelligence." The landmark decision, which experts say will forever alter the definition of a living organism south of the Mason-Dixon line, is based on the highly controversial McCardle v. Bratton case. In 1993, Boone, TN resident James "Bud" McCardle, a thrice-divorced, unemployed father of 11, was declared a "non-sentient being" by a Boone County judge after leaving his 2-year-old daughter in a car for eight hours while he went to watch a football game. In his decision, Boone County Judge Ernest G. Tubbs defined sentience as "the ability to perform certain basic functions, such as feeding oneself and avoiding falling off bridges," a definition McCardle failed to pass. McCardle was one of several thousand gap-toothed Tennesseeans arrested that year for a "profound and utter lack of brains," sparking a nationwide debate over the collective sentience of the state of Tennessee. Among the evidence cited to demonstrate the non-sentience of Tennessee: Opryland USA and Dollywood theme parks; its extreme proximity to similar cultural backwaters Alabama, Mississippi and Georgia; and the state's dead-last ranking among U.S. states in citizens-to-books ratio (70,000:1). Argued Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor in her statement: "Mr. McCardle and the other countless Tennesseeans who exhibit no sign of cerebral activity are sentient solely by virtue of the blood flow to the brain, regardless of the frequency and quality of activity with which the said brain happens to be engaged." O'Connor did qualify her remarks, adding: "Exceptions to this rule are the many Tennesseeans who continue to argue against evolution theory and its place in the state's public schools, despite its firmly established place among the natural sciences for more than 150 years." Four members of the Court, led by Justice David Souter, dissented from the majority. Referring to the legal tenet of "implicit non-applicability," Souter noted that, "The Founding Fathers clearly never intended the Bill of Rights to be applied to the chromosomal dumpsite that is the Volunteer State." Dana Hughes of the American Civil Liberties Union lauded today's decision as "a recognition that government officials must not be allowed to overly encroach on family matters, even families of profoundly stupid Southern morons." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A rich widowed farmer hires a beautiful young woman to be his live-in housekeeper. He is known by everyone in the area to be very proud of his material possessions, and especially his grand set of silverware. One day he holds a dinner party for another farmer from the area. He is very impressed with the excellent meal, and with the surprising cleanliness of the house. The next day, the farmer discovers that his beautiful silver soup ladle is missing so he calls up yesterday's dinner guest and says: "My silver ladle is gone. I'm not saying that you took it, and I'm not saying you didn't take it, but it's gone" The other farmer replies: "Your new housekeeper is beautiful. I'm not saying that you sleep with her, and I'm not saying that you don't sleep with her, but if you had slept in your own bed you would have found your silver ladle." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Pickles Every pickle you eat brings you nearer to death. Amazingly, the "thinking man" has failed to grasp the terrifying significance of the term, "in a pickle." Although leading horticulturists have long known that Cucmis sativus possesses an indescribable ill, the pickle industry continues to expand. Pickles are associated with all the major diseases of the body. For example, nearly all sick people have eaten pickles. The effects are obviously cumulative: 1) 99.9% of all people who die from cancer have eaten pickles. 2) 100% of all soldiers have eaten pickles. 3) 96.9 % of all Communist sympathizers have eaten pickles. 4) 99.7% of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate pickles within 6 months preceding the accident. 5) 93.1% of juvenile delinquents came from homes where pickles were served frequently. Evidence points to the long-term effects of pickle eating: Of all the people born in 1839 who later dined on pickles, there has been a 100% mortality rate. In spite of all the evidence, pickle growers and packers continue to spread their evil. More than 120,000 acres of fertile U.S. soil are devoted to growing pickles. Americans' per capita annual consumption is nearly four pounds. Alternative: Eat orchid petal soup. Practically no one has as many problems from eating orchid petal soup as one does with eating pickles. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The Bill Gates Song ------------------- (to the tune of "The Christmas Song") Netscape roasting on an open fire, Apple begging on its knees, Photo popping up on Time magazine, Yes, Bill Gates dreams of days like these! Everybody knows he's never fully satisfied, Throws himself behind each task, World dominion is his company's goal. Well, hey, is that so much to ask? He knows the world is in his sway, We'll buy whatever software he might toss our way, We'll surf his Internet, watch his TV, He'll take us anywhere we ask him--for a fee. And so we're offering this simple prayer, To Bill and all his MS grunts: Since we all follow any standard you write, Make it good, please, Make it good, please, Make it good, please, just once! Gil Amelio's Coming to Town! ---------------------------- (to the tune of "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town") You better watch out, Absurd as it sounds, 'Cause Apple's about To lose a few pounds-- Gil Amelio's coming to town! He's making a list, And trimming the rolls Of projects that missed Their revenue goals-- Gil Amelio's coming to town! He knows what's losing money, Like eWorld, PowerTalk . . . You'd better make your project work Or prepare to take a walk! Though you follow his lead Right out the back door, You know he'll succeed-- He's done it before! Gil Amelio's coming to town! Microsoft --------- (to the tune of "Jingle Bells") Nine-tenths of a gig, Biggest ever seen, God, this program's big-- MS Word 15! Comes on ten CDs, And requires--damn! Word is fine, but jeez-- 60 megs of RAM?! Oh! Microsoft, Microsoft, Bloatware all the way! I've sat here installing Word Since breakfast yesterday! Oh! Microsoft, Microsoft, Moderation, please. Guess you hadn't noticed: Four-gig drives don't grow on trees! I'm Dreaming of a Clean System ------------------------------ (to the tune of "White Christmas") I'm dreaming of a clean System, Something that fits on one CD. Each component matches, Not bits and patches, Unlike 7-5-point-3. I'm longing for a dream System, Small, stable, fast, and trouble-free. What we want, I think you'll agree, Is called System 6-point-oh-3! Violent Night ------------- (to the tune of "Silent Night") Silent Mac, broken Mac! System bombed, screen went black. Books suggested things; I tried 'em all: Shift key, desktop file, clean reinstall. Now my deadline is tight, This Mac's been silent all night. Violent night, horrible night! Lost my cool, filled with spite, Threw my Mac through the balcony door Watched it fall from the 20th floor, Now I'm sleeping in peace; Thank God I had it on lease. Prove It's So! -------------- (to the tune of "Let It Snow") Oh, the papers say Apple's dying, But before we start good-byeing, We should call them all up and go, "Prove it's so! Prove it's so! Prove it's so!" They say "Mac OS software's scarcer." We say, "Read those numbers, there, sir, Sales continued this year to grow. There ya go, there ya go, there ya go!" When they tell us Win 95 Made the Mac's famed advantages ebb, We'll say, "Why, then, do Macs now drive 60 percent of the Web?" We can win our PR reversal-- Make the Mac be universal-- Though we may have some years to go, Make it so, make it so, make it so! Happily Addicted to the Web --------------------------- (to the tune of "Winter Wonderland") Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin', >From my mouth, drool is glist'nin', I'm happy--although My boss let me go-- Happily addicted to the Web. All night long, I sit clicking, Unaware time is ticking, There's beard on my cheek, Same clothes for a week, Happily addicted to the Web. Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, "Yo, man! Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?" With a listless shrug, I mutter, "No, man; I just discovered letterman-dot-com!" I don't phone, don't send faxes, Don't go out, don't pay taxes, Who cares if someday They drag me away? I'm happily addicted to the Web! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Our supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman I know intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepacked portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher. "Don't worry, lady," he said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping." Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store!" My son came by one day as I was about to paint my kitchen. He offered to help, so I gave him one of my old nightshirts to wear while working. He's a big guy, six-feet-two-inches, and we both laughed at how my nightshirt fit him like one of his normal T-shirts. After a while, we ran out of some supplies, so my son went to a store to get more. While there, he noticed he was getting many strange looks from employees. Only then did he stop and read the words printed on my shirt: "Now that I am awake, where is the man of my dreams?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A little while ago I posted a message on the LIAR technique. This is how it's used in the real world: The secret to writing a good letter of recommendation is in careful wording ... ACME WIDGETS, INC. April 7, 1996 To whom it may concern: I am writing this letter to commend the services of my former employee, Mr. John Smith. I most enthusiastically recommend this person with no qualifications whatsoever. (What he means: "This person HAS no qualifications whatsoever.") I'm sorry we let him get away, (What he means: "We should have prosecuted.") but I must say that Mr. Smith's real talent was being wasted on this job. (What he means: "He got high regularly.") Mr. Smith is not your average, everyday worker. (What he means: "Every OTHER day, maybe.") You won't find many people like him. (What he means: "In fact, most people can't stand him.") Whenever he was asked to do anything, it only took a second to get it done. (What he means: "A second person, that is.") You can ask him to do anything, and he won't mind. (What he means: "He won't DO it, but he won't mind you asking.") Mr. Smith was always asking if there was anything he could do. (What he means: "We were always wondering that, too.") Given the opportunity, I am certain that Mr. Smith will quickly forge a name for himself within your company. (What he means: "Don't leave any blank checks lying around.") You will be very fortunate to get this person to work for you. (What he means: "God knows, we couldn't get him to work for US!") All in all, I cannot recommend Mr. Smith too highly. (What he means: "In fact, I cannot recommend Mr. Smith at all.") Sincerely, Bob Jones, President, Acme Widgets, Inc. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ From Digital Dispatch The CNET Newsletter Volume 2, Number 47 November 21, 1996 TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE OFFICE 97 ANNOUNCEMENT AT COMDEX 10. Actually, 97 isn't the release year. It's the percentage of features you'll never use. 9. Sorry, Mr. Dole, that's not what we meant by "zero administration." 8. Actually, 97 isn't the release year. It's the number of megabytes a compact installation takes up. 7. We would have added more features, but all the good programmers are at Netscape. 6. Actually, 97 isn't the release year. It's the number of lawsuits we had to settle to be able to ship the thing. 5. Look out! I mean, Outlook! 4. Actually, 97 isn't the release year. It's how many times we mentioned "Internet" in the press release. 3. That's not the AltaVista blimp...that's the advertising budget! 2. Actually, 97 isn't the release year. It's where our stock will be if this doesn't fly. 1. Now, Bill, remember: it's Office 97, not "son of Bob." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Children's Ideas on Science The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams, and classroom discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twain's contention that the "most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop." * Question: What is one horsepower? Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second. * You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind. * Talc is found on rocks and on babies. * The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down. * When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions. * When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting. * Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand. * While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating. * Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction. * South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage. * Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime. * Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south. * A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go. * There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever. * There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days. * Lime is a green-tasting rock. * Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil. * Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should. * Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there. * Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother. * Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers. * We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on. * To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up. * In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's. * Clouds are high flying fogs. * I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing. * Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do. * Wat er vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does. * Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water. * We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe. * Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail. * Rain is saved up in cloud banks. * In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes. * Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man. * A blizzard is when it snows sideways. * A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size. * A monsoon is a French gentleman. * Thunder is a rich source of loudness. * Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound. * It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places. [] ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Notes from the campaign trail: Bill Maher: Good news! The policeman who was in a coma for 7 years is apparently going to be ok. Sadly, there's no change to report on Al Gore. The latest newsweek poll said, if there wa an election held tomorrow, Clinton would pick up 52% of the votes, Dole would pick up 23%, and Forbes would pick up dinner & drinks. Independence Day is a blockbuster. Washington is flattened & the First Lady dies. Clinton called it the "feel-good hit of the summer." Alan Keyes, to protest his being locked out of a meeting of the other candidates, went on a hunger strike. Actually, it wasn't a hunger strike- he went to Denny's to eat & couldn't get served. Jay Leno: How smart can this Steve Forbes be? He's worth $400 million, then spends $30 million to get a job that only pays $200,000 a year? Newt Gingrich admitted he cried when the ethics committee dropped most of the charges against him. He cried. Wait a minute, isn't this the same guy who said women were too emotional to be in combat? Clinton just kicked off a campaign to reduce teen pregnancy. In fact, this may be the first time Clinton ever talked someone into not having sex. David Letterman: The media is saying that Hillary is a lawyer & therefore a congenital liar. If she was a congenital liar she would have been president by now. Clinton, at the White House, in the Oval Office, had his own seance. That's right, he tried to bring back the McRib sandwich. Bob Dole was walking past the Smithsonian the other day & was grabbed by the guards. They thought he was an exhibit. Hillary told Barbara Walters that in spite of the controversy about Whitewater, she still wants to campaign for her husband. I was thinking to myself, this raises an interesting question. Can she make bumper stickers in prison? George Bush: It's amazing how many people beat you at golf now that you're no longer President. Robin Williams: Al D'Amato leading an ethics committee is like having Ray Charles lead a tour of the Louvre. Jay Rockefeller: Many people think having the name Rockefeller is good. The bad news is that 1/3 of the people think I'm the banker who foreclosed on their farm, 1/3 think I run the oil company that raised the price of gas, & 1/3 think I'm the guy who sold Manhattan to the Japanese. Milton Berle: What's a Washington table setting? Forks on the left, knives in the back. Our last mayor did the work of 2 men- Frank & Jesse James. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Jurassic Park Parody of _MacArthur Park_ (Jimmy Webb) lyrics by Weird Al Yankovic I recall the time they found those fossilized mosquitoes And before long they were cloning DNA Now I'm being chased by some irate velociraptors Well, believe me.. this has been one lousy day Jurassic Park is frightening in the dark All the dinosaurs are running wild Someone shut the fence off in the rain I admit it's kinda eerie But it proves my chaos theory And I don't think I'll be coming back this way again Oh no I cannot approve of thei attraction 'Cause getting disemboweled always makes me kinda nad A huge tyrannosaurous ate our lawyer Well, I suppose that proves they're not all bad Jurassic Park is frightening in the dark All the dinosaurs are running wild Someone let T. Rex out of his pen I'm afraid those things'll harm me 'Cause they sure don't act like Barney And they think that I'm their dinner, not their friend Oh no Jurassic Park is frightening in the dark All the dinosaurs are running wild What a crummy weekend this has been Well this sure ain't no E-ticket Think I'll tell 'em where to stick it Cause I'm never coming back this way again ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Parody of _U Can't Touch This_, by Weird Al Yankovic I can't watch this. I can't watch this. I can't watch this. I can't watch this. My my my my TV makes me so bored Makes me say, oh my lord What is this garbage here? Wanna cover my eyes and plug my ears It sucks, and that's no lie It's about as much fun as watching paint dry Lowers my IQ one notch And that's the reason why, oh, I can't watch I told you homeboy... I can't watch this Yeah, nothin' and you know... I can't watch this Poke out my eyes, man... I can't watch this Yo, gimme that remote control... I can't watch this Talkin' bout sick shows Like America's Funniest Home Vidoes I can't believe my eyes When I see the kinda things that win first prize Somebody's poor old mom Falls down off the roof, lands right on the lawn Face first on a rake I hear they got it on the seventeenth take That's funny as a kick in the crotch And that kinda show, uh, I can't watch Yo, I told you... I can't watch this Change the channel now, man... I can't watch this Yo, pass me the TV Guide here, sucker... I can't watch this Cosby Show and Roseanne Think I've taken about as much as I can Judge Wopner, oh my You gotta be Rainman to like this guy Thirtysomething is alright If you like hearing yuppies whining all night Can't stand Twin Peaks Wish they'd lynch those doughnut eatin' freaks Those Siskel & Ebert bums Oughta go home and sit on their thumbs That's word because you know... I can't watch this I can't watch this Break it down! [excerpts from various commercials] Here's-how-to-order-money-back-guarentee- removes-tough-stains-fast-it tastes-more-like- fresh-peanuts-they-keep-going-and-going-don't- hate-me-because-I'm-beautiful-could-be-dandruff- our-prices-are-insane!!! Stop! Prime time! I'm pretty sure I'll be sick If I have to watch another stupid pet trick Or that guy with the real flat hair That goes "woof, woof, woof" and waves his fist in the air Or those weird talk shows About transexual Nazi Eskimos They're rude, crude, and vile Just for a minute let's flip down the dial Flip, flip, flip... yeccch, I can't watch this Look man... I can't watch this I can't take this torture anymore, I can't... I can't watch this Pay the bills, station break Break it down! [more commercial excerpts] Operators-are-standing-by-cubic-zirconium- necklace-you're-soaking-in-it-and-our-fabulous- swimsuit-issue-when-you've-got-a-headache-this- big-read-the-book-this-is-your-brain-on-drugs-I've- fallen-and-I-can't-get-up Stop! Cabletime! HBO and Playboy, Showtime and MTV I might like 'em more after my lobotomy Now why did I ever pay for this junk? I hook up eighty channels, and each one stunk Just brainless blood and guts, and mindless T & A It's awful, it's putrid, it's crummy, it's stupid, gonna throw my set away I can't watch this. I can't watch this I can't watch this. Yea... I can't watch this I told you... can't watch this Too hip, can't watch this Get me outta here... can't watch this ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ YOU KNOW YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH HOLIDAY CHEER WHEN... You notice your tie sticking out of your fly. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster. You start kissing the portraits on the wall. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off. You strike a match and light your nose. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad. You hear some one say, "Call a priest!" You hear a duck quacking and it's you. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet. You refill your glass from the fish bowl. You tell everone you have to go home... and the party's at your place. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget. You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant. You realize you're the only one under the coffee table. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ 100 Reasons Why Magic Is Better Than Sex 1. You can cast fast effects after your opponent declares that they're done 2. You can exchange cards without actually playing somebody 3. If you drain all of your opponent's mana you don't have to be scared of what will happen in 9 months 4. You're not totally wasted after a tournament 5. The older your card, the more valuable it is 6. When things aren't going your way, you can mana burn yourself 7. You can have multiple decks without being called a polygamist 8. You aren't made fun of if you play with someone of the same gender 9. It's okay to say "Oops, I should have saved that" 10. You can leave and come back and still be in the same place 11. People are glad when you miss with your Chaos Orb 12. It's easier to invent new variations 13. Playing solitaire doesn't cause a mess 14. If you play drunk you won't regret it in the morning 15. Players may cut each other's decks beforehand and it won't affect play 16. There are no CTD's (Card Transmitted Diseases) 17. You can play on a table without breaking stuff 18. You don't get in trouble for teaching little kids 19. You can play during study hall and the teacher won't care 20. You can carry your best creature in your backpack 21. You don't have to look for your clothes after the game 22. When you cheat, you just loose the game, not your partner 23. It's easier to play two on two 24. Or ten player free-for-alls 25. It doesn't leave a funny after taste 26. People selling magic give better deals than prostitutes 27. It can be explained without flushes or giggles 28. When you play for ante you can be sure that one of you will get another card (and not necessarily the female) 29. You can resign without having to pay a divorce lawyer 30. You can sneeze and nobody will care 31. You can make up cards and play with them 32. You don't get lipstick all over your face 33. You can proxy cards so that nobody messes with them 34. When you say "bite me" you don't have to be afraid that they'll take you literally 35. You don't have to have a breath mint beforehand 36. You can get cards in the mail 37. You don't get splinters if you play on a picnic table 38. Or rug burn on the floor 39. Giant Growth really works 40. Minors can buy the Duelist 41. People are more open about strategy 42. People don't grab you in an alley and force you to play Magic with them 43. You don't have to change the plastic sleeve each time you play with a card 44. Your friend can borrow your deck 45. Parents will buy cards for their kids 46. You can play Magic with a broken arm 47. Pro-life people won't shoot you if you discard a creature 48. The ethics committee doesn't investigate senators accused of playing Magic with minors/employees/anybody else who is not a spouse 49. Nobody calls you sick if you stare at the pictures on the cards 50. If you cast Fireballs it hurts your partner, but not you 51. The Internet is not in danger of being censored because of people who post Magic related material 52. It feels the same whether or not your opponent shaves their body hair 53. Multi-player games are more organized than group orgies 54. If you dream about Magic you don't mess up your bed 55. Glasses of Urza are less expensive than ultrasounds 56. YOUR mana makes creatures for YOU 57. If you play with your enemy you don't have to worry about physical injuries 58. You feel better if your Veteran Bodyguard takes the damage instead of you 59. Hormone levels don't affect your interest 60. It doesn't hurt if your opponent has lots of their body parts pierced 61. You can bring creatures back from the dead 62. You don't get covered in sweat 63. It's easier to bet on a game of Magic 64. You can play Magic with your legs crossed 65. Adults can play with kids without it being statutory rape 66. Your kids won't be traumatized if you play with them 67. You can play with monks 68. It feels the same if your partner weighs 50 pounds or 500 pounds 69. People don't mind if you shuffle your deck in public 70. Anybody will be able see any movies made about Magic 71. People don't prefer to play people who have never played before 72. You can play Magic while wearing a walkman 73. Little kids don't have to ask their parents what a card is for 74. You can play with someone who is having a period without making a mess 75. You don't have to worry about falling off the bed in a wild game of Magic 76. You don't get arrested if you kill everybody you play (in fact, that's what you're trying to do) 77. There are lots more combinations 78. You will never get a rash 79. If someone says your deck is ugly, it's a compliment 80. Your opponent can make you take off the plastic sleeves in a tournament, but nobody can make you put them on 81. If you get tired of Magic there are other similar games 82. Ice Age only games are fun 83. There are programs written to make Magic easier to play over the Internet 84. The police don't crack down on game stores where Magic is played 85. Nobody minds if you watch 86. It's much easier to analyze strategy 87. There is a new expansion every couple of months 88. Nobody labels you gross if you keep getting creatures from the graveyard 89. You can make your deck bigger or smaller at will 90. If you get a starter deck that is mangled, Wizards of the Coast will replace it 91. It's possible to play two games of Magic at once 92. You can get a deck for $8.00 93. Fountain of Youth really works 94. The Wizards of the Coast customer service line is not a 1-900 number 95. You decide EXACTLY when you are going to summon a creature 96. There is a national Magic champion 97. It's not dangerous to play on cement 98. Nobody is embarrassed if someone walks in on a game of Magic 99. There is no question about who wins a game of Magic 100. If it wasn't, you wouldn't be reading this rather than pornography. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ YOU KNOW YOU'RE ASIAN IF... 1. your mother has a short-haired, curly perm. 2. your dad is some sort of engineer. 3. your parents still tried to get you into places half-price saying you were 12 when you were really 15. 4. you ask your parents help on one math problem and 2 hours later they're still lecturing. 5. you have a 40 lb. bag of rice in your pantry. 6. you shop 99 Ranch. 7. everyone thinks you're "Chinese" no matter what part of Asia your ancestors were from 8. you've had a bowl haircut at one point in your life. 9. your parents enjoy comparing you to their friends' kids. 10. you've had to sit through karaoke videos with scantily clad, ugly Asian women attempting to dance and walk around a temple, forest or library. 11. your parents say, "Don't forget your heritage." 12. you drive mostly Japanese cars. 13. you've learned to keep bargaining even if the prices are rock bottom. 14. you've had to eat parts of animals they don't even put in hot dogs. 15. at least once, you've started a joke with "Confucius says..." 16. you know what bok choy is. 17. you've ever gotten little red envelopes around February. 18. piles of shoes tend to make it hard to open the front, back and closet doors. 19. you hear (your name + eee (optional) + yah!) every time someone calls you (e.g. Jean-ee-yah! or Mary-yah!). 20. you have NO eyelashes. 21. idiot people try to impress you with pathetic imitation Asian languages, like the ever-so-popular: ching chong woo bok chi, etc... 22. your parents say leaving rice in your bowl is a sin. 23. the bio lectures on marine life (seaweed, sea cucumbers, octopii) was last night's dinner. 24. your ancestors 1000 generations back invented the back scratcher. 25. at least one family member wears black wire/plastic frame glasses. 26. your parents hover over your tired, caffeine-drugged body at 12 midnight to say, "In Korea (or other native country), we studied even more." 27. your parents expect you'll be best friends with any one off the street in any given area as long as they are Asian. 28. an Asian woman comes on campus and people ask: "Is that your mother?...Well then, is it your sister?" 29. your relatives' houses smell like incense, mothballs or both. 30. your parents say, "Calculus? I took calculus in 8th grade!!" 31. everyone thinks you're good at math. 32. your parents' vocabulary is filled with "Ai-yahs and Wah's." 33. you like $1.75 movies. 34. you like $1.50 movies even more. 35. your aunts and uncles bring you back adorable clothing from Asia with fuzzy bunnies, vinyl ducks and English words that make no sense, in great colors like yellow, pink, magenta, orange and the ever popular lime green. 36. your parents insist you marry within your race. 37. you never order chop suey, sweet and sour pork, or any other imitation oriental food. 38. you either really, really want to go to UCI or really, really want to stay away from it. 39. your parents have never kissed you. 40. your parents have never kissed each other. 41. you learned about the birds and the bees from someone other than your parents. 42. "You want a stereo!" When I was your age, I didn't even have shoes!!" 43. people see a bunch of scribbles on a chopstick and ask you to translate. 44. you have to call just about all your parent's friends "Auntie and Uncle." 45. you have 12+ aunts and uncles. 46. at expensive restaurants, you order a delicious glass of water for your beverage and NEVER order dessert. 47. your parents simply cut the green/black part off the bread and say "Eat it anyway. It's still good." 48. the vast majority of the people related to you wear glasses. Thick glasses. 49. you will most likely be taller than your parents. 50. your parents have either made you play the piano, the violin or both. 51. you get nothing if you do well in school, but crapped on if you don't. 52. when going to other peoples' houses, you always have to bring a gift. 53. your dad still pulls his socks up to his knees, you know, the ones with the blue and pink stripes at the top. 54. your family owns a tennis racquet, golf clubs, or both. 55. your family always cheers for the Asian athlete on TV (i.e. Michael Chang). 56. the furniture in your house never matches the wallpaper, the carpet, the decorations or any of the rest of the furniture. 57. you have rocks, sticks, leaves and strange-smelling, unknown substances in your pantry for use as medicine. 58. you own a rice cooker or two. 59. you buy soy sauce by the gallon. 60. your family owns butcher knives bigger than your head. 61. your parents tell you about how long it took for them to get to school, how horrible the weather was in their native country, and how much they still appreciated going. 62. your parents buy you clothes and shoes many sizes too big so you can "grow into it" and wear it for years to come. MORE WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU ARE ASIAN.... 1. You unwrap Christmas gifts very carefully, so you can save and re-use the wrapping (and especially those bows) next year. 2. You only buy Christmas cards after Christmas, when they are 50% off. 3. When there is a sale on toilet paper, you buy 100 rolls and store them in your closet or in the bedroom of an adult child who has moved out. 4. You have a vinyl table cloth on your kitchen table. 5. Your stove is covered with aluminum foil. 6. Your kitchen has a sticky film of grease over it. 7. You have stuff in the freezer since the beginning of time. 8. You use the dishwasher as a dish rack. 9. You have never used your dishwasher. 10. You keep a thermos of hot water available at all times. 11. You boil water and put it in the refrigerator. 12. You eat all meals in the kitchen. 13. You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin container. 14. You use grocery bags to hold garbage. 15. You always leave your shoes at the door. 16. You have a piano in your living room. 17. Your parents know how to launch nasal projectiles. 18. You iron your own shirts. 19. You play a musical instrument. 20. You pick your teeth at the dinner table (but you cover your mouth). 21. You twirl your pen around your fingers. 22. You hate to waste food. a) Even if youre totally full, if someone says they're going to throw away the leftovers on the table, you'll finish them. b) You have tupperware in your fridge with three bites of rice or one leftover chicken wing. 23. You don't own any real tupperware -- only a cupboard full of used but carefully rinsed margarine tubs, takeout containers, and jam jars. 24. You also use the jam jars as drinking glasses. 25. You've eaten a red bean popsicle. 26. You bring oranges (or other produce) with you as a gift when you visit peoples' homes. 27. You have a collection of minature shampoo bottles that you take every time you stay in a hotel. 28. The condiments in your fridge are either Price Club sized or come in plastic packets, which you save/steal every time you get take out or go to McDonalds. 29. Ditto paper napkins. 30. You never order room service. 31. You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel (and travel means any car ride longer than 15 minutes). These travel snacks are always dried. As in not just dried plums, dried ginger, and beef/pork jerky, but dried cuttlefish. 32. You own a rice cooker. 33. You wash your rice at least 2-3 times before cooking it. 34. You spit bones and other food scraps on the table (that's why you need the vinyl tablecloth). 35. Your parents vehemently refuse the sack of gold coin oranges that their guests just brought just to be courteous. 36. You fight over who pays the dinner bill. 37. Your dad thinks he can fix everything himself. 38. You majored in something practical like engineering, medicine, or law. 39. When you go to a dance party, there are a wall of guys surrounding the dance floor trying to look cool. 40. You live with your parents and you are 30 years old (and they prefer it that way). If you're married and 30 years old, you live in the apartment next door to your parents, or at least in the same neighborhood. 41. You don't use measuring cups. 42. You feel like you've gotten a good deal if you didn't pay tax. 43. You beat eggs with chopsticks. 44. Your parents house is always cold. 45. You have a tea cup with a cover on it. 46. You reuse teabags. 47. You have a drawer full of old pens, most of which don't write anymore. 48. If you're under age 20, you own a really expensive Walkman; if you're over 20, you own a really expensive camera. 49. You mom drives her Mercedes to the Price Club. 50. You always look phone numbers up in the phone book, since calling Information costs 50 cents. 51. You tip Chinese delivery guys/waiters more. 52. You're a wok user. 53. You only make long distance calls after 11PM. 54. You know all the waiters at your favorite Chinese restaurants. 55. You like Chinese films in their orignal undubbed versions. a) You love Chinese Martial Arts films, especially Jackie Chan. b) Shao Lin and Wu Tang actually mean something to you. 56. You have acquired a taste for bitter melon. 57. You like congee with thousand year old eggs. 58. You prefer your shrimp with the heads and legs still attached -- means they're fresh. 59. You never call your parents just to say, "Hi." 60. You always cook too much. 61. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight. 62. Also, if you don't live at home, your parents always want you to come home. 63. Your parents tell you to boil herbs and stay inside when you get sick. 64. When you're sick, they also tell you not to eat fried foods or baked goods because they produce hot air ("huo chi" in Mandarin). 65. You E-Mail your Chinese freinds at work, even though you only sit 10 feet apart. 66. Your parents never go to the movies. 67. Your parents send money to their relatives in China. 68. You use a face cloth. 69. Your parents use a clothes line. 70. You're always late. 71. You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl, but don't eat the last piece of food on the table. 72. You starve yourself before going to all you can eat sushi. 73. You've joined a CD club at least once. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ PERVERTED CANDY JOKE It was another Payday, and I was tired of being a Mr. Goodbar. So I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue, and I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "Hey Sweetart, how'd you like to Krunch on my Big Hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?" Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and, Uno, it was like pure Almond Joy. I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds 'cause it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold back a Snicker and a Krackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!" Soon she was fondling my Peter Paul and Zagnuts and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milkduds clear to Mars and gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked if I was into m&m, but I said, "Hey Chiclet, no kinky stuff." I said, Look you little Reece Piece, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you just take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit O' Honey? (What a piece of Juicyfruit she was, too). She screamed, "Oh, Crackerjack, you're better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was givin' it too her Good 'n' Plenty, when all of a sudden...my Starburst. Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow a bit Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped a Baby Ruth. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ SIGNS OF AGING 1. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work. 2. The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals. 3. You feel like the morning after, and you didn't have a "night before." 4. Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D. 5. You get winded playing chess. 6. Your children begin to look middle aged. 7. A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge. 8. You join a health club and don't go. 9. You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions. 10. You look forward to a dull evening. 11. You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons. 12. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going. 13. Your knees buckle but your belt won't. 14. Your back goes out more than you do. 15. The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife. 16. You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet. 17. You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ APPLICATION TO HAVE A FILE RESTORED ----------------------------------- Your name ? ________________ Your login name ? ________________ Which project ? ________________ 1. Urgency <1 hour __ 1-2 hours __ 2-4 hours __ next day __ next week __ never __ 2. Reason for needing restore ? Accidental deletion __ Accidental corruption __ General clumsiness __ Complete stupidity __ Other _____________ 3. Were you using "RCS" or "SCCS" Yes __ No __ 3.1 If 'No' why not ? ________________ 4. Are you sure the file existed in the first place ? Yes __ No __ 5. Are you sure the file isn't somewhere else ? Yes __ No __ 6. How long do you think it would take for you to re-create the file(s) were a backup not available ? ________________ 7. How much had you had to drink when you deleted the file ? ________________ 8. Don't you think it would be better if you hadn't deleted the file in the first place ? Yes __ 9. If you didn't want to delete the file, why did you type the command ? ________________________________________________________________ 10. Do you appreciate the amount of inconvenience that restoring a few files from a backup causes ? Yes __ No __ 11. Have you deleted more work than you would normally create in a day ? Yes __ No __ 11.1 If 'Yes' why did you turn up for work today ? __________________________________________________________________ 12. Don't you feel really stupid having to rely on a backup to recover from your mistake ? Yes __ No __ 13. Do you often regret things you have done ? Yes __ No __ 14. Do you often worry about your responsibilitys ? Yes __ No __ 15. Do you worry about not being able to control your actions ? Yes __ No __ 16. Do you think that there could be any connection between someone destroying their own work and having self destructive thoughts ? Yes __ No __ ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ As you are all aware, the airline industry in which we work has it's own unique set of terminology. The following are some of the most commonly used terms and their definitions. PASSENGER A herding creature of widely varying intellect, usually found in pairs or small groups. Often will become vicious and violent in simple and easily rectified situations. When frightened or confused these creatures collect into a group called a "line." This "line" has no set pattern and is usually formed in inconvenient places. Passengers are of four known species: Paxus iratus, Paxus latus, Paxus inebriatus, & Paxus ignoramus. PRE-BOARD Passenger who arrives at the gate five minutes before departure. VOLUNTARY OVERSALE A passenger who arrives at the gate as the jetway is coming off the flight. NO-RECORD Any passenger booked through a travel agency. NON-REVENUE POSITION Usually can be identified by the fact that these passengers are in first class and are dressed in pilot or flight attendant uniforms. Non-revenue position are permitted to fly first class free of charge to prevent revenue passengers from being able to pay first class passenger charges. GROUP A large loud pack of passengers (see passenger) travelling together. The group leader, who has the tickets, usually waits in the bar until the required pre-board time of five minutes before departure, or until there are no seats left together, whichever occurs last. Reservation agents are prohibited from pre-assigning seats to groups as this may convenience them. SIGN An airport decoration. Usually unnoticed except by small children. Its primary function is to hide the location of various areas of the airport, i.e., gate numbers, rest rooms, baggage claim, etc. POSITION CLOSED This is a sign posted at various counter locations, which when interpreted by the passenger says, "Form line here." BAGGAGE CLAIM The most difficult area of the airport to find. It is usually hidden by numerous signs saying, "Baggage Claim Area." CARRY ON BAG An item, usually of large dimensions, which somehow managed to fit under the passenger's seat on the inbound flight. Regardless of what the passenger says the following are not acceptable as carry-on items: bicycles, steamer trunks, refrigerators, truck tires, or wide screen projection TVs. FLIGHT SCHEDULE An entertaining work of paperback fiction. ON-TIME An obscure term, meaning unknown. FOG A natural weather phenomenon which usually occurs around an airport while the surrounding areas are clear. Fog is controlled by the airlines and is used to delay flights. AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL A game played by airline pilots and air traffic controllers. The game has no rules, and neither side knows how it is played, but the goal is to prevent flights from arriving in time for passengers to make connecting flights. TICKET AGENT A superhuman with the patience of a saint, the herding ability of an Australian sheepdog, the E.S.P. abilities of Uri Geller, the compassion of a psychoanalyst, and and the tact of a diplomat. They have mysterious abilities to control wind/rain/snow/fog and all other weather phenomenon. They are capable of answering three questions at one time, while talking on the phone, and without stuttering or choking on their tongue. In later life they may be found in parks carrying on mysterious conversations with themselves. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Do you have a hard time recalling what happened yesterday? Can't seem to remember birthdays, anniversaries or meetings? Usually get to the game one day after it has been played? If any of the above is true then you suffer from CRS. That's right. CRS, Can't Remember Stuff. This illness effects nearly everyone breathing and even some who aren't. The second most prevalent cause for divorce, right after the secretary. The third greatest reason for disputes, right after folks not speaking the same language. Well relax. Take your shoes and socks off. On the other hand don't do that. The EPA will be needed first. We have this tiny little pill that will end all your suffering usually in 3 days. We call it,"WIPE". It retails for $29.99, it is now on sale at $29.99. That's right you heard me, $29.99. With WIPE you will never again face those awful moments when you come home and get yelled at because you forgot a birthday, a loaf of bread or to pick jr up from school. With WIPE you past is moot as is your present made equal. WIPE is what politicians use when faced with a court case and choose not to recall anything with absolute sincerity. Don't you owe it to yourself to be clean in response to any question asked of you? Call now!! Operators standing by to fill this most precious order. Call, 1-800-222-GONE. When you call say I don't know for a free gift. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A guy is playing a slot machine in Vegas. He is losing, so he's really yanking the handle as hard as he can. Suddenly his hand slips off and he elbows the woman next to him right in her boob. He apologizes and says, "If your heart is as soft as your bosom, you will forgive me." She replies, "Of course I forgive you -- and if the rest of you is as hard as your elbow, my room number is five sixteen!" What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover???... Both have dirt bags on them -- they're just in different positions. How do you know if you've checked into a red-neck motel???... You call the desk and tell them, "I've got a leak under my sink," and the clerk says, "Shit, go ahead!" A West Virginian applies for a job as a welder. The boss says, "You'll be required to go to a safety meeting once a week and I want you to sign a paper agreeing to that." The West virginian says, "I can't write." The boss says, "Just make an 'X'." The West Virginian says, I can't do that...that's my dad's name." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN 1. Dogs do not have trouble expressing affection in public. 2. Dogs miss you when you're gone. 3. You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you. 4. Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong 5. Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with. 6. Dogs don't criticize your friends. 7. Dogs admit when they're jealous. 8. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out. 9. Dogs do not play games with you - except fetch (and they'll never laugh at how you throw) 10. Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together. 11. Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence. 12. No dog ever voted to confirm Clarence Thomas. 13. You can train a dog. 14. Dogs are good with kids. 15. Dogs are easy to buy for. 16. Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies. 17. You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams. 18. Gorgeous dogs don't know they are gorgeous. 19. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK. The *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gave it to you.) 20. Dogs understand what "No " means. 21. Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization. 22, Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species. 23. Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside. 24. Dogs do not read at the table. 25. Dogs think you are a culinary genius. 26. You can house-train a dog. 27. You can force a dog to take a bath. 28. Dogs don't correct your stories. 29. Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner. 30. Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair. 31. Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair. 32. Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving. 33. Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake. 34. Dogs admit it when they are lost. 35. Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff. 36. Dogs look at your eyes. 37. Dogs like your size. 38. Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs. 39. Dogs take care of their own needs. 40. Dogs are color blind. 41. Dogs mean it when they kiss you. 42. Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do. 43. Dogs are nice to your relatives. 44. Dogs obsess about you as much as you obsess about them. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME 1. Both take up too much space on the bed. 2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning. 3. Both are threatened by their own kind. 4. Both like to chew wood. 5. Both mark their territory. 6. Both are bad at asking you questions. 7. Neither tells you what's bothering them. 8. Both tend to smell riper with age. 9. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous. 10. Neither does any dishes. 11. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut. 12. Both like dominance games. 13. Both are suspicious of the postman. 14. Neither knows how to talk on the telephone. 15. Neither understands what you see in cats. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The following are thought to be the worlds worst puns: 1. The Eskimo stabbed himself with an icicle. He died of cold cuts. 2. In his dessert list, a San Antonio restaurateur suggests, "Remember the alamode." 3. There was an advice-to-the-lovelorn editor who insisted, "If at first you don't succeed, try a little ardor." 4. The commuter's Volkswagen went down once too often. So he consigned it to the Old Volks Home. 5. When a fire chief responded to a call from a lingerie shop, he found no trace of a blaze. His official report read, "Falsie alarm." 6. The wise old crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He wanted to make a long-distance caw. 7. A talkative musician couldn't hold a job. Every time he opened his mouth, he put his flute in it. 8. A farmer with relatives in East Germany heard that a food package he had sent had never arrived. Optimistically, he assured them, "Cheer up! The wurst is yet to come." 9. When the promoter of a big flower show was told that a postponement was necessary because the exhibits could not be installed on time, he explained to his backers, "We were simply caught with our plants down." 10. There was an unscheduled event in a Baghdad harem. The sultan barged in unexpectedly - and his 62 wives let out a terrified sheikh. 11. A critic declared that he always praised the first show of a new theatrical season. "Who am I," he asked, "to stone the first cast?" 12. Egotist: a man who's always me-deep in conversation. 13. She was unanimously voted the most popular girl in school by the male half of the senior class. The weighed her in the balance and found her wanton. 14. A hen stopped right in the middle of the highway. She wanted to lay it on the line. 15. The husband of a talkative wife sighed, "I've given that woman the best ears of my life." 16. "It's raining cats and dogs," one man remarked. "I know," said another. "I just stepped into a poodle." 17. In Peru, a gallant cavalier fished a drowning maiden out of a lake -- and married her before the Inca was dry. 18. An eccentric bachelor passed away and left a nephew nothing but 392 clocks. The nephew is now busy winding up the estate. 19. The baseball pitcher with a sore arm was in the throws of agony. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ It's harvest season here in the corn and bean state of Illinois. Last night I'm working and I come across a turned over grain wagon. (big wagons, full of grain, pulled by tractors) Here in Illinois a person of _any_ age can drive an implement of husbandry (farm vehicle) so this 15 year old kid is crying, all upset. "pa is gonna be real mad at me" Well, I tell him to get in the squad and we'll go get an ice cream cone. He says that he can't that he has to stay and help his dad. I tell him not to worry but to come with me and get that ice cream and things won't look so bad. So he reluctantly says, OK, but dad is gonna be real mad. So we buzz into the local convenient store, get the ice cream and he's starting to cheer up a bit, but as we leave he repeats that his dad is gonna be mad at him for leaving and not staying to help. SO I figure I'll go talk to the dad, smooth things over a bit, so I ask him where his dad is... "Under the grain wagon..." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted. "I want to get screwed," said the man. "OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice. The man did this, the panel was closed, minutes passed. Nothing happened. He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open. "Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!" "What?" said the voice, "Again?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ When I was in grammar school in the early 70s one of my friends swore that he saw a "Tonight Show" episode in which Raquel Welch was Johnny Carson's guest. Raquel sat in her chair with her pet cat on her lap, stroking the cat. Noticing Johnny Carson watching her she stated, "Do you want to pet my [pussy]?" Johnny immediately deadpanned, "Sure, move the cat." According to my friend Raquel stormed off the set cutting the interview short and vowed never to appear on Carson again. It may not be true as I didn't see it myself but I think it makes for a good story. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ