旼컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴� � � � H - J O K E 2 2 . T X T � � � 突袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴袴� Rejoice, for here is the latest issue of the H-JOKE* archives. Yeah! Granted, it has been more than a year since the release of the previous one, but the material that was about to make up what would have been this issue was trashed along with one of our hard drives in the most spectacular fashion. This, along with additional hardware failures during the same time period, left us with little means to collect and gradually accumulate fresh material. It's basically taken this long to collect new shit! As usual, this issue is made up of jokes, anecdotes, limericks, quotes, lists, quizzes and other hunour lifted from our mail packets. Its content is not sorted, order is in the chronological sequence of aquisition, nor is this stuff formatted for printing. The only editing done is the removal of message headers, footers, some bad spelling and grammar, really poor jokes, and the like... Besides, political correctness is out the window in here! Several copyright infringements have invariably been broken during the compilation of this digest. What we do acknowledge, though, is that all, with the exception of a few originals by yours truly, have been lifted, stolen, pilfered or otherwise il/legally acquired from their respective copyright holders. So sue us because we stole one of your jokes! Nothing is guaranteed, except that this file will take up disk space and will relinquish the space it occupies when you delete it. Nevertheless, laugh you will. There must be something you will find funny! Title: H-JOKE22.TXT File size: 500,213 bytes (in ASCII text format) Date: 30-12-1997 [Standard advert] All H-JOKE?? files are available at 旼컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴커 � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 � � The HMVH Corporation � 읕컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴켸 Bulletin Board System [+27 11] (011) 768-6153 V.32bis/V.34+ (24 Hours) 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty. Tech: "What's the problems?" LUser: "There is smoke coming out of the power supply." Tech: "You'll need a new power supply." LUser: "No I don't! I just need to change the startup files." Tech: "Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it." LUser: "No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command." 10 minutes later, the LUser is still adamant that they are right. The Tech is frustrated and fed up. Tech: "Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem." LUser: "I knew it!" Tech: "Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes." 10 minutes later. LUser: "It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking." Tech: "Well, what version of DOS are you using?" LUser: "MS-DOS 6.22." Tech: "That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes." 1 hour later. LUser: "I need a new power supply." Tech: "How did you come to that conclusion?" LUser: "Well, I rang Microsoft and told him all about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply." Tech: "Then what did he say?" LUser: "He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Stumbled across an Australian Web site the other day, featuring a disclaimer I can only describe as being damn right accurate and brutally to the point. Here it is... Aussie Six Paks - Totally Fucking Free XXX Aussie Six Packs Totally Fucking FREE XXX The House of SIN! Check out the House of SIN before you visit here! _Here's a Fucking Warning__I've been told this might be a good idea 'cos some of you arseholes haven't got any pubic hair yet. If you've come here looking for fucking religious sermons about protecting the fucking innocent, who just fucking happened to be looking around sex sites, then click HERE. The only way you got to this site is by following fucking links out of other some other fucking smut sites! If you are a kidlet browsing adult sites then _FUCK OFF!!!!_ (actually, if you're a teenage girl why not write to me and we'll discuss the rude and offensive nature of adult sites ;-)_ OK, for you grown ups, pull up a chair and let's sit back and enjoy a six pack of XXX, my very favourite drop. Come in _MATE_ [Child proof link mechanism used for entry] 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 ALL WET: It's finally settled. If faced with rain and you have no umbrella, will you get less wet if you run or walk through the downpour? The question has been debated for years, so two researchers from the National Climatic Data Center in Asheville, North Carolina finally put it to a test, wearing identical clothing on a 100 meter course. They found walkers get 16 percent wetter in drizzle, and 23 percent wetter in rain. But if you do have an umbrella, walk. "Running with an umbrella has a negative effect on your aerodynamics," one of the researchers says. (Reuter) ...When wearing a raincoat, trot, unless you have a hat, which means you should jog. Slow down for puddles, unless wearing boots. Run backward if wearing a hood. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A Horror Movie Character's Survival Guide ========================================= The following are tips for any character that finds him or herself in a horror film. If you do happen to find yourself in a horror film someday, use these tips wisely and you may make it out of the film alive. Until the sequel, that is... Survival Tips: 1) When it seems that you've killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead. 2) If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion or who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately. 3) Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. 4) Do not search the basement, especially when the power has just gone out. 5) If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak using a voice other than their own, shoot them at once. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. Note: it's unlikely they'll die easy, so be prepared. 6) When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off or go off alone. 7) If the gang plans a fun midnight party in the town's old abandoned mansion, don't tag along. Especially don't tag along if everyone's going as couples, except you're the odd guy/gal out. And if you're the gang's jokester, you may as well write up your last will and testament while you're driving with them to the place. 8) As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell. 9) Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other domicile of the dead. 10) If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life. 11) If appliances start operating by themselves, move out. 12) Do not take (or borrow) anything from the dead. 13) Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing. 14) If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, although you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you. 15) If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible. 16) Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine or Massachusetts. 17) If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. 18) Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chain saws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, weed-whackers or any device made from deceased companions. 19) Listen closely to the soundtrack; and pay attention to the audience, since they are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be. 20) Never, never, NEVER try to communicate with something icky because "there's so much we can learn from them". 21) Don't make fun of or play with dead things. 22) If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away. 23) If a meteor strikes nearby, move out of town. 24) When something bad is chasing you, bear in mind that when you try to start your car, no matter how reliable the vehicle is normally, you'll have to crank the engine over many times before it will fire up. 25) If you walk into the local abandoned-looking church to seek help or shelter, and you notice that the crucifix is mounted upside down, turn around and go back outside as quietly as possible. 26) When you happen to be one of the fortunate ones and actually make it through the film alive, never, NEVER sign on to do a sequel. If you do, expect to depart this world in the first five minutes. 27) Never have sex in the bunkbeds of recently renovated summer camps. 28) Strange lights are seldom harbingers of joy. 29) People arriving to rescue you generally get ambushed by the monster, so don't rely on them as your only means of escape. In fact, expect to be surprised and delayed by encountering their flayed corpse at some point. 30) On no account do ANYTHING because someone dares you to. 31) If you realize that the people in your town/county are having their minds taken over by some strange force, alien or otherwise: DO NOT call the police as they are A) either already taken over themselves and will turn you in or B) Will not believ e you and laugh at you. Either way, you must handle the problem yourself. 32) If a small band of children appear to be smarter then the adults that are around them, be cautious. If they stay together in a small, secretive group, and display nothing but hostility towards their elders, authority, and the church, leave town at once. If you wish to stay, be as kind to the children as possible, but expect to die anyways because you are inferior to them. 33) If you assist the villian of the film, do not expect gratitude in exchange for your services. In fact, do not expect anything other then death, which will come in the final minutes of the film and usually over the girl you have become attracted to, but the villian wants as their own. 34) If any animals, such as Birds, Pirahna, Spiders, etc. begin to exhibit behavior that seems a bit more hostile towards mankind than normal, immediately call in the authorities, get out of that town, and do not try to talk to any scientist who spe cializes in that animal (ornithologists and the like) for they will not believe you. 35) Whatever you do, DO NOT keep pets such as cats, dogs, hamsters, or anything cuddly. If you must, do not let them out of your sight for so much as a second. 36) When you land on a distant planet and find some objects that look like eggs, leave them alone. 37) When one of your spaceship's crew finds a hideous parasite attached to his body (as a result of disobeying the previous rule), don't let him back on the ship. The guy's dogmeat anyway. 38) When a hideous alien menace is hunting you (as a result of disobeying the previous two rules) never wander off alone to hunt for the ship's cat. 39) Never, EVER go in/out there (There being the attic, closet, barn, basement, dark alley, dark anywhere else, the all-concealing shadows, the woods or the lake) 40) If someone who seems important tells you to do or NOT do something (like DON'T fall asleep, DON'T leave me, DON'T look for the homicidal- chainsaw-wielding-psychopath by yourself) by all means, listen to them, unless doing so would break another of the guidelines. 41) If you manage to lose a few body parts along the way, don't despair. Take this opportunity to replace them with weapons, such as chainsaws, harpoons, etc. 42) If you are using a gun to combat the all-comsuming evil, it is a good idea to quickly find a new means of defense, because no matter how much ammo you have, you'll run out just before you kill the monster (unless your name is Ash, in which case, you'll never have to reload) 43) If you are wounded by flesh-eating zombies, aboandon all hope, because sooner or later, no matter how many anti-biotics you take, yer gonna become one of 'em. 44) If you're the the last main character left, and a bunch of people are hunting the monster/monsters DON'T stand out in the open, because you will immediately be mistaken for a/the monster. 50) Don't open the closed door, especially if you hear scratching, heavy breathing, or any other strange noises from the other side. 51) DO NOT go into the dark room. 52) If you're a male, get out of there as fast as possible! The only one who ever survives is a female. 53) While in a horror film, never bathe, especially when in the house alone. 54) In terms of weaponry and general equipment for fighting the monster, never rely on any tool more complicated than a pointed stick. Generators will inexplicably run out of power, just as the nasty space- vegetable climbs onto your jury rigged electrical grid. Just when you've got the ghoul lined up in your sights, your gun will invariably jam. 55) If you are a female, never show your breasts, easy women are expendable. 56) Never camp or build homes on Indian burial grounds. 57) Ask why the estate is being sold so cheap. 58) If the phone lines are dead, and you hear footsteps upstairs, when your supposed to be alone, don't follow the noises to see who your "guest" is . LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. Unless you want to die!! 59) Never pick up the phone and call for help, chances are your phone will be dead and the next thing you'll see is the monster swinging some sort of sharp object. 60) If you have defeated the monster, pay close attention to the camera, if it pans away for no apparent reason at all, get the heck out of there. 61) If the Master does not approve, neither do you. 62) Never handle the rat-monkey cage. 63) Your dog can take care of itself... 64) So can your spouse... 65) And your kids. 66) Self-sacrifice is a bad idea, as the person you saved will usually die anyway. 67) Skeptics are always proved wrong in some horrible, nasty, painful way. Be a believer. 68) If you're not a main character, suicide is a quicker and easier way out. 69) Your plan takes into account all possible situations...except for the one that actually occurs. 70) Don't be a smart-ass. It'll only get you killed. 71) When you have actually gotten a monster down on the ground with your gun, immediately empty all your shots in the monsters' head. 72) Never be present immediately before, during, or anytime after a succesful demon/devil/monster summoning. 73) People driven by veangance always die. 74) Mentioning any goals in life, anything to look forward to, or any loved ones will get you killed. 75) Never, under any circumstances, go to summer camp. 76) Puzzle boxes are hard to solve for a reason. 77) Feel no guilt. 78) If you throw away some possession of yours (antique dolls and ventriloquist's dummies in particular), and you find it again in your house/car/pockets/etc. move to another country IMMEDIATELY! Of course, it WILL be waiting for you in the car as you go to leave. 79) If you try to run away, always take the bus. If you take a car the monster will be in it. Cabbies are always demonically possessed. Monsters will destroy any plane/boat you try to take. And you have to go through dark, underground stations to get on a subway. 80) If you are a child, don't panic! Monsters only attack overly horny teenagers. Children can NOT be killed in a movie, only possessed or absorbed. So cheer up! 81) If you see a loved one you know to be dead, RUN AWAY! Many people will ignore this bit of common sense, but remember: you can always buy a new pet, always have more kids, and always get a new spouse/S.O. 82) If you're being chased by a monster and you think it's behind you, chances are it will appear in front of you (and if you're a girl, this will happen right after you trip and fall, and then stand up and look behind you). 83) If you've beaten the monster into a bloody pulp and you're sure he must be dead, take the opportunity to dismember, burn, eat, blow up or otherwise destroy him. 84) If you're being chased by a monster and you find one of your friends and they ask "what's wrong?", don't stop and try to explain. Just tell them to run as you go by. If they're really your friend they'll follow. If not - that's their tough luck. 85) If you should easily enter a home that you've either heard a scream from or there is no sign of life when there should be, do not be surprised to find that all means of escape (i.e. doors, windows, etc.) will be locked, effectively allowing the monster to come within a gnat's hair to you. 86) If you should run across one of the escape routes from the previous rule that is made of glass, DO NOT waste time pounding on it. Breaking it would prove to be a better course of action. (Remember, a cut-up hand is better than a chest wound.) 87) If you are a good dog you have a 50-50 chance of survival. Good dogs will only die if they stand up to the monster in defense of their master. Bite the hand that feeds you and run away! 88) If you are a bad dog (bad dog!), you WILL be dead by the movie's end. Therefore, kill all people you encounter, except for your ex- master, whom you feel strangely compelled to avoid. 89) If you're a cat, just hide your head and pray that the monsters won't eat you, the Catholic Inquisitors won't burn you as a witch's familiar, and/or the horny teen-age guys don't throw you over the edge of a cliff to see if you land on your feet . 90) If you're a bird, CONGRATULATIONS! Your people will triumph and rule all in the end (or you might at least escape your $%^& cage!). 91) If you are even somewhat religious, BECOME AN ATHEIST IMMEDIATELY! Monsters will invariably seek you out, gloating in defiance of "your weak faith," and say mean things about your deity. 92) Whenever a strange weapon is presented (e.g. a harpoon gun, flare gun, can opener, etc.) TAKE IT! If you don't, the monster will, and sooner or later the weapon WILL BE USED! Better you use it then the monster. 93) If you find a lot of dead people running around making zombies out of the living, kill yourself IMMEDIATELY! There is no happiness to be found when you're being eaten alive. 94) A single monster can never be killed. Multiple monsters can never be driven to extinction. Therefore, try to get one kind to go after the other. 95) When you fight a monster use fire, electricity or acid whenever possible. Prefferably use all of the above. And an atom bomb. 96) ALL atomic weapons cause normal creatures to grow huge and carnivorous. As do all chemical and germ weapons. 97) ALL genetic experiments will create humanoid mutants (whether or not human/primate DNA is used) with BIG teeth and claws, and a tough hide impervious to bullets. NEVER play god and try your hand at gene- splicing! 98) Always make eye shots whenever possible as all mosters ignore chest/limb attacks. If you hit the eye the monster will be blinded for a while (maybe... and if you're really lucky... and if the creature even has any eyes to shoot in the first place). 99) If you look out the window and see a monster, chances are he's coming after you some time or another. Go into seclusion very very far away. 100) If you set the monster on fire, or he is set on fire, he will not die but instead try and fight you while he is on fire. 101) If you know someone who does taxidermy on humans, and owns a hotel, do not get a room there, EVER. 102) Do not plan to engage in sexual activity whilst a murderer has escaped or a monster is near. 103) If a dog, cat, or horse begins to behave in an erratic fashion in a particular person's presence, avoid that person at all costs (even if it is your spouse or child). 104) A small-town's little summer celebration sounds like fun, but if you hear the locals say things like, "Why you're the guest of honor! We couldn't even *have* the barbecue without you!" run like hell. 105) Remember: quaint rural corn ceremonies are NEVER really about corn... 106) Stay away from 'quaint' hotels and inns. Go for the brand names. 107) Turning around in general is a bad idea, as the monster is usually waitng right there for you. 108) Never open cannisters, especially not if they're government owned. 109) Stimulating glands that were not meant to be stimulated is a *real* bad idea. 110) Never meddle in God's domain. 111) Learn as early as possible that Man is a feeling creature, and therefore the greatest in the universe. 112) If you catch snatches of the theme song, you know the bad thing is close by. 113) If your car breaks down in the woods, take the time to walk the extra 5 miles into town. 114) Make sure what you use to kill the nasty things is a poison, and not a stimulant of any kind. 115) If you're gonna go out, don't do it quietly. Take out those annoying friends of yours with you. 116) Don't work the night shift. 117) Never fool yourself into believing you're powerful enough to contain anything you summoned. 118) Under no circumstances remove any unusual item from glaciers or large blocks of ice (ie. flying saucers, Frankenstein's monster, Dracula, the wolfman, etc ...) 119) If you do remove something unusual from the ice, do not let it thaw. (Specifically, do not throw an electric blanket over ice, do not bleed on ice, and do not let the freezer's power go out.) 120) If you do entomb a monster in ice (Godzilla, the blob, etc) make sure that the monster's location is not well known. (Sightseers have an annoying habit of bringing electric blankets, bleeding on ice, or detonating A-Bombs.) 121) If an iceberg appears to be radioactive, do not crash your submarine into it. 122) Don't explode A-Bombs in the Arctic, South Sea atolls, or deep beneath the ocean. These locations are thickly inhabited with survivors from the prehistoric past. (Not to mention the blob, giant octopi, etc.) 123) Don't explode A-Bombs in the desert, which are full of many insect species just waiting for their chance to mutate into gigantic forms. As a corollary, don't store sugar or picnic foods anywhere near a desert which has been the site of an A-Bomb test. 124) Don't explode A-Bombs near men or women. They may grow to gigantic size and battle casino signs in Las Vegas. 125) Don't submerge yourself in a bathyscaphe and search for prehistoric monsters under the ocean. You may as well just drive a giant fish hook through your body and get someone to troll with you. 126) Don't visit backwoods regions of the United States, especially those regions filled with quaint people with colorful names like Leatherface or Pun'kinhead. 127) Stay on the Interstate. 128) Never EVER eat the dead monster's heart. 129) If your parents killed a serial killer before you were born, chances are the serial killer will come back from the dead to kill you. 130) If you are trapped in a house surrounded by demons, making coffee will not help anyone. 131) If a maniac or monster or zombie is trying to get into your house, don't decide to try and find your lost cat or dog. Give it up, Fido and Fluffy are dead already. 132) Also, any military containers that accidentally get mailed to you should be sent right back. And never, ever hit a container to test how strong it is. 133) If you are walking in the woods and you heard a choo choo killl killl sound, I suggest you start running. 134) Whenever someone warns you not to go up, down, under or over there, whatever you do, don't go! (They're only trying to save you from a most certain and horrible death) 135) Do not, under *any* circumstances, ever go skinny dipping, especially at night. 136) Always carry several guns and lots of hollow point bullets. Shoot everything. All the time. Don't even wait. 137) If you can avoid it, try not to swim in lakes or natural bodies of water. If you swim in a pool, you can see what's under the water. also, don't swim at night, especially when alone. 138) If you're female and you just found any of your friends dead by any means it's probably not the time to get naked and take a shower. 139) If you really must run screaming through the woods, remember to dress for it. Jeans and sneakers always beat a filmy nightgown and high heels. 140) When the bad guy stops to tell you what he is going to do to you, that's when you RUN AWAY!! 141) Don't mess with objects that you have NO earthly idea what they are. They will either conjure up the evil creature, or teleport you to alternate worlds. 142) Don't take food or drink from any strangers or new people in town. 143) Don't volunteer to be scanned! 144) Always be nice to the shy, quiet, unpopular girl in school. 145) Don't get locked in any building or business after hours. 146) Don't accept sexual advances of ANYONE who never knew or liked you previously. 147) Take back TV's that breathe, or in which you see yourself doing vile things on the program. 148) If you have any odd scars, wounds, tattoos, or other irritations on your body---you are a goner!!!!! 149) You will not be saved by the god Plutonium! In fact, YOU WILL NOT BE SAVED!! 150) Breaking mirrors usually makes a difference in horror movies. 151) If you share a last name with the killer, creature, demon, or other nasty, make darn sure it's a coincidence. Otherwise, get a new identity. In any case, you will probably become it's new incarnation. 152) NEVER go back for anything you lost, anywhere. 153) Never tease anyone. They either gain extraordinary powers, or go psycho. 154) All myths and legends have a basis in fact... 155) If you know a planet is inhabited with thousands of acid bleeding creatures, it is generally not a good idea to go to that planet and try to bring back one of the creatures. You can't. 156) On the off chance you decide to disobey the above rule, and your tracking device says the acid bleeding creatures are moving towards you, immediately point your gun at the ceiling and fire. Try not to look directly up... 157) If you are an obnoxious character, who will go on to get a "Seinfeld-type" sitcom, never run away from the group and lock the doors behind you. 158) Never climb a fence with barbed wire at the top to go skinny dipping in an unusual, mysterious, government-owned body of water. Especially if there are rumors about government "happenings" circulating. 159) If you are home alone and hear a noise coming from another room or outside your window, don't assume it's just the house settling or the wind. 160) If you send your husband down to check out a mysterious sound and he doesn't return within five minutes, don't go downstairs. He's probably already dead. 161) If you value your life, stay a virgin. 162) Crosses NEVER work on demonic beings. 163) Never try to kill a monster the same way it was done before. (This must cause something real, real bad because no one ever tries it.) 164) If you feel funny and start to grow hair, shoot yourself in the head with a silverbullet - AT ONCE! 165) When you walk into a room / house etc, ALWAYS at least TRY to switch the lights on. 166) OR... When you walk into a room / house etc, NEVER even TRY turning on the lights, dress in black and be quiet. 167) All in all, stay in the light, inside a well-boarded up house forever surrounded by people and do not make yourself vulnerable in any way possible (by getting naked, allowing yourself to be left alone, etc.) 168) Cigarette lighters are always handy things to have on you. 169) Don't bother telling another character to "Stay in the car." They won't anyway, and will end up saving you. 170) Do not visit Prom Queen's grave, better to remember her the way that she was. 171) Do not allow children to watch television, read old books or play with puzzle boxes or dolls unsupervised. 172) Do not move into a fully automated computer controlled house. Unless you're Bill Gates. 173) Do not allow a computer the ability to lock doors. 174) Don't eat food supplements, health food or yoghurt. Its not as good for you as you think. 175) When scientists start saying they have made a breakthrough in Gene splicing, pull the plug on the project or resign as C.E.O of Corporation. 176) Avoid men in black. 177) Also avoid men with pointy teeth. 178) Natch facial hair. 179) Also people with pale complexion who moan and sway. 180) Don't associate yourself with people who have access to virgins blood and speak in latin. 181) When Granny starts frothing at the mouth it's time to send her to the retirement home. 182) If little Billy says that Aliens have landed in the back garden don't play in the sand pit. 183) It's generally not a good idea to burn a guy with blades on his glove because he'll usually come after your children in their dreams. 184) A smart thing to do is to cancel your trip to see your aunt Bates and your cousin Norman at the Bates motel imediatly. 185) If you manage to find a good bludgeon or any other good weapon, DO NOT throw it away after you use it. You WILL need it later. 186) NEVER ever pick up hitch hickers on deserted rural roads, especially if you live in Texas. 187) NEVER start crying/whinning when the monster or villan has you cornered, it wastes precious time that you could use to fight back and the monster or villian does not really give a damn about your life anyway. 188) Never ask a vampire if he'd like to stay for dinner. 189) If you hear weird music start to play run like hell. 190) If you answer the phone and hear someone breathing heavy on the other end, never assume it is your boyfriend playing a trick on you. And never never, never, say "come on over, my parents are gone for the weekend." 191) The first thing to do when whitnessing a satanic ritual in the middle of nowhere is to tell the wives; otherwise, their bound to yell out into the night, asking you where you are. 192) Always carry spare headlights in the R.V.. 193) If you forgot step 192, find a city before dark. Never turn off down a nice looking dirt road. 194) When shark hunting, it is always a good idea to have any underwater power lines marked out on your map. 195) If you are a woman your chances of survival are much much better if you are a good woman. To be a good woman you must A) Be a natural blond. Blondes with visible roots are the food of choice of 9 out of 10 aliens B) Be the daughter of a venerable and crusty scientist, preferably the world's leading expert on things with scales, Latin names or way too many legs. You can dramatically increase your chances of survival at this point by following in your father's footsteps and becoming the world's second best leading expert on things with scales, Latin names or way too many legs. C) Refrain from wearing makeup, in particular red lipstick or nail polish. This is catnip to monsters. D) If it is too late to become a virgin, become frigid and make sure people know about it. The no makeup thing can be a big help here. E) Be in love with the bad scientist, at least for the first part of the movie BUT at all costs switch allegiances to the good scientist the second the bad scientist begins to mutate. F) Wear a rip away blouse and learn to faint gracefully. You will be called on to do this alot. G) Hang around next to the bad woman a lot. It will make you look pure. 196) Bad women have only the slimmest hope for survival. Cast jealousy aside and buddy right up to the good woman. Be ready to squash the bad scientist like a bug the second his fortunes turn. Loyalty here is misplaced, he doesn't respect you anyway . 197) If you are from another planet and of royal blood, abdicate fast. Intergallactic Empresses almost always end up with a face full of acid and a bad attitude. Even the princesses end up as mind slaves to giant insects. This is especially true of royalty whose names end in a vowel. Change your name to Mary Lou and leave the planet. 198) Man or woman, if you have a kid brother with a cute name and freckles, lose him. Especiallly if he spends a lot of time looking at things through a telescope. Eventually he is going to go into the abandoned mine shaft and everybody is going to expect you to follow. 199) When your loved one is infected/assimilated/zombified/possessed or whatever and someone grabs your arm and says 'It's too late for her/him' BELIEVE THEM! Shoot the former human and get the hell away from there! 200) Always listen to the crazy man warning you something bad is going to happen, because he's probably right! 201) When on the way to camp, you stumble across an old man carrying eyballs, and claiming he is a messenger from god, get back in the car and go back in the direction you came from. 202) If ANYONE says they are are messenger from God, listen to them, because they usually are. 203) If you stumble across the body of a dead friend, do not go looking for the rest of your friends, because they're probably dead. 204) If you can find any of your friends, leave immediately. 205) When someone tells you not to look behind you, don't! 206) If you dream of a serial killer, do not attempt to combat him in your dream. 207) Never go mano-a-mano vs. any monster which lacks a discernable head or limbs, or can infect you with something. 208) Never be funnier than the main character. 209) Always use the buddy system. Also, make sure that your buddy is slower, weaker, or dumber than you are. 210) NEVER eat/drink ANYTHING brought forth for a weird ceremony. 211) NEVER make it obvious that you did not eat/drink anything brought forth for the weird ceremony. 212) Don't be a belligerent drunk. They have a nasty habit of getting left behind by the group and wandering to a deserted room (= deathtrap) to sulk. 213) When investigating a house or place shunned by the whispering townsfolk, don't try on the clothes in the trunk in the attic, don't look in the mirrors, and don't read the diaries. 214) If the barber remarks on the "666" tattoo your buzzcut kid now has, abandon the kid and move to Irkutsk. 215) Remember, the priest will NEVER make it to your domicile to relieve you of those pesky supernatural occurrences. Whether by plane, train, auto, horse, donkey, bus, or afoot, he'll never ever make it to your doorstep alive (unless he's secretly in league with Satan). 216) Never walk backwards! 217) If you are travelling through a wasteland and the locals advise you to go no further that night, DON'T! 218) Do not poke strange steaming rocks with sticks. 219) If you rise from the dead, you'd better learn to like human flesh, 'cause you're gonna eat some. 220) Don't run through the woods wearing high heels, as most of the time one of the heels will break. 221) If, at any point, you are running from a monster/villian in a car/truck/etc... don't ever run straight on the road. Zig Zag, run off the road, do a U-Turn, what ever! It's faster than you, and will catch up. 222) Don't ever repeat the words someone tells you wrong. Then for sure you'll have the monsters after you. And if that happens fight like there's no tomorrow. And if all else fails RUN LIKE HELL!! 223) If you see a burly man wearing a hockey and toting a hachete/chainsaw/axe/electronic-brain-sucker-thingy, DO NOT stick around to see if he's with the Philadelphia Flyers. 224) Never, never, NEVER try to remove the mask from the 'dead' villian. (ie: Predator 2) He'll just get up again, and this time he's gonna be pissed. 225) When going down the basement stairs, (You will... you ARE in a horror film, right?) always send your little brother/sister/grandpa/grandma down first; this'll tell you if something's hiding under the steps. 226) If you are a wuss and run away from one confrontation with the serial killer/demon/spirit/slavering-beast, you WILL die later on in the film. This is guaranteed. (ie: My Bloody Valentine.) 227) Above all, remember this: your friends, family, and enemies, they are all expendable. 228) If your running desperately away from a big boogy monster in the woods: A) He's going to pop up on front of you and B) You're going to trip on something and end up on your butt just before something cleaves your head from your shoulders... You're going to die anyhow... so why not try running backwards? 229) If the Damm power suddenly shuts off. Dooonnn't go try to fix the generator. 230) Learn Karate, Well...at least no ones tried to roundkick Jason yet... 231) Sudden and loud noises coming from the tool shed are generally bad, don't be a smart ass and go check it out. 232) If you have a cat, give it away. The stupid thing is only going to get trapped in a locked cabinet or closet somehow and scare the living bejeezus out of you when you open it. This, of course, sets you up to be killed the instance you leave the room. Buy a goldfish instead. 233) If you plan to lose your virginity at summer camp or while a psycho killer is on the loose, well, at least you'll die happy. 234) If you are battling the bad guy and suddenly find yourself fighting a loved one (dead or alive), kill them immediately. Do not think that by divine intervention, that the bad guy is whisked away to hell and, for your efforts, is replaced by your dead mother, father, etc... It's a trick, just kill them. 235) Kill everyone you see. If one is posessed, assume all are posessed. It's easier that way. Besides, the whining cousin will only slow you down anyways. Kill them all and let God sort them out. If he's as perfect as we believe, he'll forgive you. 236) Don't stay at Farmer Vincent's Motel. 237) Don't buy Farmer Vincent's meats. 238) Don't be a lurker. Lurkers creep in the shadows, watching people make out. They are always the first to go. 239) Don't trust anyone with the name of Voorhees. 240) No matter how much you're tempted to, no matter how much you want to, DO NOT go skinny dipping in the lake. 241) When realizing there are over 10 dead people in the woods, don't lock yourself in a deserted house in which the phone lines are dead. 242) If you are in a car, the engine stalls, and a murderer is on the loose, you have a 99% chance of dying. 243) If you happen to run into a house with the monster behind you and lock the door, DON'T stay near the door! 244) Never buy your kids a toy that talks back. 245) Keep careful track of the number of times you say the magic word that envokes the evil spirit. 246) NEVER say to your friends: "Whatever you do, don't say _____," and say the magic word that invokes the evil spirit. 247) Do not incorporate the magic word that invokes the evil spirit into a catchy tune. 248) Contrary to popular belief, most demons are not helpful and/or loyal. 249) If you're a zero in real life, you'll be a hero in your dreams. 250) Be resourceful. Whoever came up with the idea of putting holy water in a water gun must have memorized every episode of "MacGuyver". 251) When you're in a group, sleep in shifts. When you're alone, drink a LOT of coffee. 252) If it tastes like chicken, don't ask for seconds. 253) Never visit doctors with last names that imply insanity, death, or evil... no matter how highly recommended they come. 254) If somebody tells you he's from the future, believe him unquestionably. 255) Never announce openly that you're not afraid, you don't believe, or that you're fully prepared. You're just asking for it. 256) Try hard to recall any strange dreams you may have recently had. They will inevitably come into play at some point. 257) Never try to trick your friends into believing that YOU are the monster. If the real monster doesn't kill you, your friends will. 258) Follow all care instruction of strange animals to the letter. 259) If you ever come across the phone number of an organization designed to help with a particular sort of monster, write it down and put it in a safe place. 260) Stay indoors on the night of a full moon. 261) After hearing the first news report of a bizarre murder victim found drained of all blood, leave town IMMEDIATELY! 262) In archaeology class, stay home for the unit on local folklore. 263) Never trust a robot. 264) Don't succumb to peer pressure, even when they're passing around the bottle. Remember, Just Say No to human blood. 265) If the cross in your local church is upside-down, bleeding or otherwise mutilated, find the nearest exit. 266) Get as much information as you can about the previous tenants of your new home before you move in. It'll just save you aggrevation in the long run. 267) Do your community a favor and torch the local occult bookstore. They're usually more trouble than they're worth. 268) If you see a clown walking the streets of your town, stay away from the sewers. 269) If you are at a pool party and a man with blades on his fingers shows up and starts killing people, don't try to comfort or calm him down, just run. 270) Sudden extreme changes in temper usually causes things to explode. 271) If the garden pests grow to immense proportions, kill hamsters, scream loudly, or lunge, move away! THIS IS NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOR FOR GARDEN PESTS! 272) If you DO happen to get killed, make sure it's in a cheap low- budget gore-fest with no plot, so you can come back and kick ass, no explanation needed. 273) Never, EVER, tell anyone where you keep your Mojo. 274) Don't open the door. 275) The less equipped you are to survive the movie, the better. 276) Never do anything morally wrong (pre-marital sex, drugs, making fun of the hero/heroine, etc...) 277) Never allow yourself to be hurt. You will inevitably go off by yourself to sulk. 278) The monster will never attack until you are aware of it. Often, it will even wait for you to become scared of it. 279) Never buy ANYTHING in an old burial ground. 280) If you are a jerk, kill yourself. Save yourself and others a lot of pain. 281) Never attempt to investigate the horror stories of a small town, no matter how certain you are that they are false. They are true and you will die if you go. 282) Never say, "It's over", "It's dead", or "I killed it". 283) Never look closely at any dark space after hearing or seeing anything strange. 284) Curiosity kills. 285) Don't take off any clothes. 286) If you "have a bad feeling about this" go with it, and leave. 287) If you see a book entitled "How to Serve Man" don't board the alien spaceship. 288) Don't bother to warn anybody about the monster, they won't believe you anyways. 289) Don't buy antiques from strange magic stores. While it won't do what the owner tells you it will do, it does do SOMETHING. 290) Never watch a horror movie while you're in a horror movie. 291) If you ever pull the plug on a scientist's experiment, he will go mad and do the experiment anyways, with the intention of slaughtering you and all of your loved ones. 292) If you get a strange phone call, get out of the house. It's coming from below you. 293) If you have the unfortunate luck to appear in an Italian zombie film, just stand around and wait for them to get you. What the heck, you're lunch - no matter what happens. 294) Never pretend to be the/a local "deceased" or "imprisoned" psychopath. For some reason, he tends to go after you first. 295) If you do impersonate the killer, never leave his trademark mask lying around. Guaranteed, you will not be the next one to wear it, but that face will at least look familiar when you die. 296) If you are a friend of someone who impersonated the killer as a joke and then someone apparently is trying the same gag again, run. Don't look for your friend either, mourn him later on. 297) Never, EVER feed the strange animal that your father bought for you in China Town, after midnight. 298) The monster is never dead until everyone else is! 299) If a demon tells you he'll let you go if you help him, don't listen. The guy who helps the demons always dies. DEMONS ALWAYS LIE. 300) If you are dealing with demons, don't let anyone out of your sight. The guy who goes off alone always gets possessed. 301) If the strange drifter carrying an ancient key tells you that you are safe inside, then listen to him. The demons, zombies, psychos, etc. always get inside because of the guy who thinks he knows what he is doing. Stop him at all costs. 302) If you think you just killed the monster, don't touch it. That is the easiest way to die. Always empty several rounds into it before assuming it is dead. 303) If you aren't the main character, then listen to what he/she says. For the most part the main charachter survives. 304) When the old drunk man becomes possessed and tries to choke the hero, kill him as quickly as possible. He will try to stall you and act human, but he isn't. Don't listen to him. Just kill him. 305) When you hear scary music run the other direction! 306) Never, under any circumstance, ever plan a camping trip that coincides with Friday the 13th. 307) If an alien creature has access to a shoulder-cannon, sharp teeth and/or limbs, or a 15-mile long ship that could destroy your whole city, don't look at it in awe and try to shake hands with it. 308) If you know that an alien creature bleeds ultra-corrosive slime, never fire a big-bore weapon point-blank at it's face. 309) Never go near a town that has a mental asylum and a hardware store in the same neighborhood. 310) If any man or monster is pursuing you with a weapon, run screaming blindly through the woods and hope to God the creature is deaf. 311) If an odd and unexpected fog bank suddenly rolls into town, leave immediately. 312) Do not EVER look in mirrors. Not only will it cause permanant psychological damage (your reflection will show you as a hideous monster/demon/mutant/corpse/vampire), it will show you doing the kind of things that would get you sent to the electric chair if you were actually caught doing them (thereby insinuating that you have been wanting to do these things all your life but just didn't know it). Also, while you are gazing in horror at these things, the hideous monster/demon/corpse/vampire will sneak up on you. 313) Never wear a badge. You will definitely die within ten minutes. 314) Choose your friends and relatives wisely. Good choices: chaste teenage girls, any preteen girls (excluding those who stand in circles and act like adults or speak in someone else's voice, as cited above), good dogs, younger assistants to world-famous scientists. Bad choices: security guards, law-enforcement and other municipal officials, teachers/professors, executives of companies with questionable environmental/scientific practices, psychiatrists specialized in criminal pathology, obnoxious ex-boyfriends of chaste teenage girls, and of course promiscuous teenage girls. 315) No matter how slow the beastie is, as soon as you lose sight of it it can appear in any part of town, not matter how big the town is. 316) If you are the main character, take the time to learn basic first aid, as you WILL break/sprain/strain/lacerate/dislocate some part of your body as you are fighting or running from the monster. 317) If you go camping with your girlfriend and you have to piss, don't go 2 miles in the dark forest because you will die and the monster will follow your trail and kill your girlfriend too. 318) Hiding in your sleeping bag won't make the monster go away... 319) If you hear noises in a room and there isn't suppose to be someone in that room, leave the house ASAP. 320) If there is only one bridge between your camp and the nearest town, don't go cause as soon as you'll cross the bridge, it will fall or be demolish by an evil spirit. 321) If someone screams "None of you know whats really going on 'round here" then listen to them. 322) If someone tells you a tale about a monster that used to hunt and kill people right around this area, don't say you don't believe it. 323) If anyone's ever told you about your twin that died at birth, or if you're adopted, you're pretty much screwed. 324) It's a safe bet that the man who your mom brought home is going to, at some point, try to kill you - so kill him first. 325) The annoying nerdy kid who, "knows the secret of the lake" is probably right, but the good news is he'll also be the first to die. 326) If your mother keeps having flashbacks to being chased by some horrible monster, and you've always been told that your father, "died in the war," but no one ever said which war, kill yourself at once. 327) If your family keeps your younger brother chained up in the cellar, it's probably for a good reason, do not intervene. 328) Pigs blood is not now, nor has it ever been, funny. 329) Never, ever buy anything at an antique store, no matter how much the creepy owner offers to take off the price. 330) Remember, the hot teenage babe you're having sex with will eventually turn into either a vile demon or your dead grandmother, so be quick and keep your eyes closed. 331) Don't waste valuable time digging up the grave of your dead child, it's safe to assume the coffin is either empty or contains the remains of some strange animal. 332) If your name is not listed in the opening credits, there is a 97.89% chance you're flybait! 333) Try to avoid going into fruit cellars of old abandoned cabins. 334) If the first 10 gun blasts didn't do any good, there's a good chance the next 10 won't work either! 335) Don't go burying your dead pets in foreign cemetarys, because if it didn't work for the Creeds, it sure as hell won't work for you. 336) If an Irish midget is chasing you around and is rambling something about his gold, be a good man and give the guy his damn coin, because, though it may protect you from bodily harm, the midget may just kill your friends and family instead, so give him his coin and everyone will be happy. 337) Avoid any road or street where vehicles that drive themselves are seen. 338) If your pets, or any animal nearby, begins acting edgy for any reason, either take the hint and leave the vicinity with it, or run the hell away FROM it. 339) Never ever fire a gun at the maniac/alien/undesirable other. If the firearm doesn't jam, it will only make the villain very angry at you, and the Grim Reaper will hand you your one-way ticket to the realm beyond. 340) Remember this. Clowns are never nice. If you see a clown that makes eye contact with you, jumps on the hood of your car, laughs for no reason at all, carries balloons with threatening messages on them, or waves at you, run like hell and get the rapy. Even Ronald McDonald is a potential threat... 341) Don't repeat the Necronomicon spell wrong. In fact, don't repeat it right either. Burn the damned book and go bye-bye as fast as possible. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 C A R P R O T E C T I O N 1 - Always stay in your car, can a bit embarrassing when out shopping. 2 - Leave your mother-in-law in your car at all times. 3 - Tie a rottweiler to each wheel, an excellent method this one. 4 - Buy a Skoda. 5 - When parking up mimic the noise of a motorbike to fool the on looking car thief. 6 - Leave a tape of Bros playing whilst you go about your business. [Someone might just brick the car then!] 7 - Or leave a nodding policeman on your back window. 8 - Leave a copy of "Devil worshippers unite" in a prominent viewing position. 9 - Steal your own car, cuts out the middle man this one. 10 - Steal someone else's car so when it gets stolen you don't feel so bad. 11 - Borrow your Dads car, a firm favorite of mine. 12 - Don't park in Liverpool. 13 - Place a big sign in your window saying, "This car is has already been stolen so f**k off!". 14 - Get Juilian Clarey to mind your car for you. 15 - The best choice of all "Don't buy a car". ... Multitasking: The Ability To Screw Up Several Things At Once. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A friend recently moved in, and was driving to work. But that wasn't working out, because the traffic was too bad. So he tried taking the trains, and that didn't work either. Finally he tried a car pool, and that worked fine, except during the trips he got these horrible headaches. So he went to see a doctor about it. The doctor asked if he was claustrophobic, he said no. The doctor checked him for allergies, such as coffee and cigarettes others might have, but there was none. He explained to the doctor that it was only while going through the tunnel, so the doctor finally realized it. He had car-pool tunnel syndrome. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 There was once a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. For the sake of this story, we'll call him Jack. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the UNIX programmers and Client/Server programmers and website developers, Jack was finally getting some respect. He'd become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions. He was working short-term assignments for prestige companies, traveling all over the world on different assignments. He was working 70 and 80 and even 90 hour weeks, but it was worth it. Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He had problems sleeping and began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. It had reached a point where even the thought of the year 2000 made him nearly violent. He must have suffered some sort of breakdown, because all he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it. Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. This was very expensive process and totally automated. He was thrilled. The next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life. He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that. The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting "I can't believe it!" and "It's a miracle" and "He's alive!". There were cameras (unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie. Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "It is over?" he asked. "Is 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over and done with?" The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming of the timer on Jack's cryogenic receptacle; it hadn't been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000. But the spokesman told Jack that he shouldn't get excited; someone important wanted to speak to him. Suddenly a wall-sized projection screen displayed the image of a man that looked very much like Bill Gates. This man was Prime Minister of Earth. He told Jack not to be upset. That this was a wonderful time to be alive. That there was world peace and no more starvation. That the space program had been reinstated and there were colonies on the moon and on Mars. That technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet, or to watch any entertainment, or to hear any music recorded anywhere. "That sounds terrific," said Jack. "But I'm curious. Why is everybody so interested in me?" "Well," said the Prime Minister. "The year 10000 is just around the corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL". 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 You know you are addicted to the Internet when... * You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com * You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. * You start introducing yourself as "Jon at I-I-Net dot com * Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like. * All of your friends have an @ in their names. * You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem. * Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box. * You laugh at people with 2400 baud modems. * You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape. * You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. * You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html * Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed." * You start tilting your head sideways to smile. * You turn on your computer and turn off your spouse. * Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat. * You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited." * Your dog has its own home page. ;) ...And the #1 clue that you are addicted to the Internet is... * If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail ;):) 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Politically correct members of the female gender > She is not: > A BAD COOK > She is: > MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE > > She does not: > GET PMS > She becomes: > HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL > > She does not have: > A KILLER BODY > She is: > TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE > > She is not: > A BAD DRIVER > She is: > AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED > > She is not a: > PERFECT 10 > She is: > NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR > > She is not: > EASY > She is: > HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE > > She does not: > HATE SPORTS ON TV > She is: > ATHLETICALLY BIASED > > You do not ask her: > TO DANCE > You request a: > PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE > > She is not: > HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS > She is: > MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED > > She is not: > COLD OR FRIGID > She is: > THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE > > She does not: > WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP > She is: > COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED > > She does not have: > GREAT CLEAVAGE > Her breasts are: > CENTRALLY LOCATED > > She is not: > A SCREAMER OR MOANER > She is: > VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE > > She does not: > SUN BATHE > She experiences: > SOLAR ENHANCEMENT > > She does not: > CUT YOU OFF > She becomes: > HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE > > She does not have: > BIG HAIR > She is: > OVERLY AEROSOLED > > She does not: > SHOP TOO MUCH > She is: > OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 YET ANOTHER LAYPERSON'S GUIDE TO PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES ------------------------------------------------------ C: You shoot yourself in the foot. C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency assistance is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there." Fortran: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-handling ability. Modula-2: After realizing that you can't accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head. COBOL: USEing a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE, THEN return HANDGUN to HOLDSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be retied. LISP: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds ... BASIC: Shoot yourself in foot with water pistol. On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged. FORTH: Foot in yourself shoot. APL: You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters. Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot. SNOBOL: If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot. Concurrent Euclid: You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot. HyperTalk: Put the first bullet of the gun into the left of leg of you. Answer the result. Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the trajectory, the bullet, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams. Unix: % Is foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o % rm *.o rm: .o: No such file or directory % is % DOS: You can't get to either foot from here. OS/2: Point to Body and click, point to leg and click, point to lower leg and click, point to foot and gun goes click. Xbase: Shooting yourself is no problem. If you want to shoot yourself in the foot, you'll have to use Clipper. Paradox: Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can too. Revelation: You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot, just as soon as you figure out what all these bullets are for. Visual Basic: You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so much fun doing it that you don't care. Prolog: You tell your program you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't allow it to explain. 370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS with a 4000-page document explaining how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 The Five Stages of Drinking --------------------------------- LEVEL 1: It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool.". LEVEL 2: It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool.". LEVEL 3: One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool.". LEVEL 4: Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an ...after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well....as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow ...................cool. LEVEL 5: Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as...that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level five- the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say..."Who's Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I mean it!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 DR NKOZANA ZUMA'S LIST OF MEDICAL TERMS FOR (black) DOCTORS ----------------------------------------------------------- >Artery: A study of paintings > >Bacteria: Back door of the cafeteria > >Barium: What to do with dead patients > >Bowel: a e i o u > >Caesarian section: A suburb in Rome > >Catscan: A search for kitty > >Colic: A sheepdog > >D&C: Where Washington is > >Dilate: To live longer > >Enema: Not a friend > >Fester: Quicker > >Hang nail: Coat hook > >Impotent: Distinguished, well known > >Labour pain: Getting hurt at work > >Medical staff: A doctor's walking stick > >Morbid: A higher offer > >Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates > >Outpatient: A person who's fainted > >Pap smear: A fatherhood test > >Pelvis: A cousin of Elvis > >Post operative: A letter carrier > >Recovery room: A place to do upholstery > >Rectum: Damn near killed him > >Node: Acknowledgement of a greeting > >Sciatic: Attic with a view of the sky > >Seizure: Roman emperor > >Tablet: Small table > >Terminal illness: Getting sick at the airport 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 These days it seems it's not enough just to own a cellular phone, you must be SEEN to own one. Users have been spotted in restaurants phoning friends at nearby tables or even phoning the manager to ask for service. But one poor poser had his street-cred shot to smithereens when, midway through a very loud conversation on his cellular, his phone rung! Cellphones have brought a new competitive edge to the running of the snoek. No, snoek are not sporting cellphones, but the fishermen who catch them are. Shrewd fishermen have passed up the radio for cellphones to notify their buddies where the snoek are running. Now only those in the know converge at the lucrative spot, preventing all and sundry from hearing radio messages, resulting in flotillas chasing after the snoek. The chairman of a public relations company recently discovered how valuable a cellular phone can be. After spending a tiring few hours in a meeting in Paarl, he looked forward to the scenic drive back to Cape Town. On the outskirts of Paarl stopped to fill up with petrol. The attendant filled his car and requested payment. To his horror, he realised he had left his wallet and credit cards at home. After some smooth negotiating, he convinced the garage to hold his cellular phone as "security' until he returned with the money. Leaving his cellphone on voicemail, he returned home to pick up his wallet before driving back to Paarl. A giant sugar cane rat with a strange appetite for fibre optic telecommunications lines wreaked havoc with Telkom's telephone lines. The rat, the size of a domestic cat, chewed through the telecommunication lines between Gauteng and Kwazulu. Both Telkom's fibre optic routes between the two provinces went down, resulting in severe congestion of cellular and fixed-line telephone traffic on the alternative microwave route. The rat caused further complications by denying the repair team access to the fibre optic lines. The police were finally called in to handle the situation after putting up a brave fight, the rat was overpowered. A German entrepreneur is offering his services to cellphone subscribers who would like to receive the call of their choice at a specified time. For example: "Hello Hans. I have some blue-chip shares going for 100 Deutsche Mark apiece. Which then offers Hans the excellent opportunity to impress innocent bystanders by shouting exuberantly into his phone: "Buy!" or "Are you crazy? I say fire the entire staff! Cellphones have rung in a new dating game. If somebody in the traffic lane next to you attracts your attention and they happen to be using a cellphone, you wave your cellphone at them and mouth: "Whets your number? If the hunk is an ex-Boy Scout and happens to be prepared, he will have his number ready on a scrap of paper and show it to you through the window. It's all a question of being on the same wavelength. A quick-thinking victim whose car was hijacked telephoned the thieves when she realised they had her cellular as well. "We know where you are and we're following you. Leave the car," she told them. And the crooks, thinking the phone was a tracking device, did just that. Four cool curls met for a business lunch at a must-be-seen-there venue. Busily completing the table setting with their cellphones, they were interrupted by their waitress. Slightly irritated by her presence, one of the cool cats turned to her and said: "Listen doll, take this phone and put it in your apron. We'll phone through our orders, OK?" Could it be that cellular phone handsets are already pass�? It seems the phones, which have become commonplace among floor traders on the New York Stock Exchange, could soon be replaced by button-sized devices that fit into their ears. So, traders who appear to be muttering excitedly to themselves may in fact be concluding high finance decks with customers via these devices which can deliver and transmit sound. A Capetonion visiting Johannesburg on business, got lost in Sandton on her way to an appointment. She called the company from her cellphone to ask for directions and was put through to Jenny, the person with whom she had the appointment. "See the stop street? Turn left there, then right at the traffic light. See the service station on the left? Turn left there. You'll see the big black wrought-iron gates at the end of the street." The confused Capetonian replied: "Wrought-iron gates? The company I'm visiting is in a face-brick building surrounded by a lawn." Our bewildered Capetonian had dialled the wrong number, the company also happened to have a Jenny and she consequently found herself at the wrong end of Sandton and very late for her appointment. A newly kit out cellphone user dialled a fellow cellphone user out of sheer excitement. His call was diverted to Vodamail, where he was told that he had reached "a very important person". Assuming that his friend was competing for the witty message the week prize, he responded: Hi there Very Important Person. If you aren't too busy and too important, do give me a call sometime." Great was his surprise when he received a call later that day. "This is President Mandela's office, returning your call. How can we help you?" He apologised humbly, but still doesn't know which number he inadvertently dialled. The Italian Open tennis tournament revealed Italians to be crazy about cellular telephones. American tennis star Jim Courier stopped play, frustrated by the ringing of cellphones. He put his hand to his ear and pretended to carry out a conversation with his opponent. The incident prompted Italian phone company Telecom to recommend turning telephones off during tennis matches, and the publishing of a 30 page booklet titled "The Polite Talker", offering guidelines on how to use "telefonini" - as the phones are called in Italy - more discreetly. Whether in business or at play, cellular phones appear to have an endless list of applications. A senior executive of a leading bank and keen golfer is known to call a colleague - who apparently is familiar with the course being played - on his cellular phone for advice on how to play a particular shot. It is not known whether his call charges or handicap have come down. Randburg-based cellular phone distributor Real Time Cellular donated a cellular phone to the commander of a new police station who needed to remain in touch while off duty. However, while Warrant Officer Freddie Bothma was visiting a nearby police station, the cellular phone was stolen from the charge office counter. The case remains open and Freddie says he will cuff his next cellular phone to his wrist. One sage has it that there are two people you cannot mislead. One is your spouse, and the other your bank manager. Many know that applying for an extension on your bank overdraft can be a harrowing experience. Disclosing personal spending habits con be both revealing and misleading. A bank manager, on perusing an applicant's income and expenditure, questioned whether any "luxury" expenses could be reduced. Fully prepared - or so he thought - for the question, the applicant launched into explaining that all possible austerity measures had been taken - then his cellular phone rang. Picture the scene. You're at the racecourse and you need to place a telephone bet in a flash. Options race through your mind - do you a) test your vocal cords; b) test your sign language; c) build a fire and send smoke signals; or d) none of the above. If you answered "d" you're well on the way to winning the Pick 6. However, you're faced with one last hurdle you need a cellular phone. Punters will be glad to know that cellular telephones are in fact allowed to be used on our racecourses. All bets please! Popularity can be measured in many ways. As the patron of a new Cape Town watering-hole said recently "it is so full of yuppies they can't reach for their cellular phones". Others say that the venue is so full that the yuppies have to use their cellular phones to talk to each other across the room. The waitresses have requested that the house telephone be left off the hook. If a Fortune International survey is anything to go by, the ubiquitous secretary is heading down the same road as the dinosaur while voicemail is gibed with more Darwinian attributes. Fifty-eight percent of the 200 executives and managers surveyed would rather leave a message on a voicemail system than with a person, while the number of secretaries in the US dropped by more than 500 000 over the last five years. A more recent AT & T Fortune 500 Companies Survey may reveal why: 90% of written telephone messages contained inaccurate or incomplete information; 75% of business calls failed at the first attempt; 50% of all calls required only one-way transmission and staff were only available to take calls in the office 12% of the time. Information technology writer Frank Heydenrych has identified a new affliction known as cellular phone hysteria (CPH). He writes that the expectation aroused by monotone radio ads, juxtaposed against the reality experienced by users when they have spent thousands only to find they have little or no service can invoke hysteria or dementia. He adds that sufferers are granted amnesty to swear on air - if they can get on air. The other side of the coin is that Gallup research shows that 82% of business users and 75% of home users say that having a cellphone makes their lives less stressful. The message is clear - if you're suffering from stress, get yourself a cellular phone, turn it on and sit back and relax. As most cellphone users will attest, their phones are useful in all types of situations. But now cellphones are even competing with the traditional markets occupied by the Stork. A prominent Cape Town socialite was at a fashion show at the Bay Hotel in Camps Bay recently when her trusty cellphone rang to bring her news that she had just acquired a new grandchild. "It's a girl," she immediately cried out, as the spotlight turned away from the models to show a glowing new grandmother. It seems that cellphones can not only keep you in touch, order you food on the beach and get you a plumber - they can now also forecast the weather and beach conditions! Overheard on Clifton beach was a cellular conversation between a beach convenience food operator and a caller from Muizenburg - on the other side of Table Mountain - Yes, yes - the weather's a real peach. No, it doesn't look like wind or rain. I'm sure if you leave now you'll be able to get a great spot. Of course you should bring your phone - everyone else has one down here!" The quest to discover new uses for cellular phones has once again broken new ground. A subscriber holidaying in Durban urgently needed to answer the call of nature while on a crowded beach. It appears he spent some rather anxious moments anticipating an embarrassing accident when he decided to call Vodacom's emergency services for assistance in locating the nearest toilets. Soon the Pope will be mobile not only in his Popemobile, but also at the touch of a button. The Dutch Roman Catholic Church is currently negotiating with three mobile phone consortia to equip church steeples with transmitters. The Church hopes to raise money to restore its buildings by allowing the lucky winner to use its 100 or so towers and steeples to link telephone cells across the Netherlands. While some network operators have decided to issue cellular etiquette guides, some organisations are taking the law into their own hands. The Reform Club of London, for example, decided not to wait for politeness to catch on. Cellphones are confiscated with brollies, deerstalkers and coats at the door and returned to members as they leave. Police in Cleveland, England, have encountered a new menace - Swedish yuppies with cellphones on the other side of the North Sea. It began when police were trying to receive rodio instructions while in pursuit of a stolen car. All they could pick up was a cellphone argument between a Swede and his wife as they exchanged some words in a universal language. Since then, urgent police messages have been disrupted by assorted Scandinavian gabble. Police chiefs have requested special equipment to block the cellphone calls from across the sea. A rabbi has banned cellphones and pagers from synagogues, saying they interfere with worshippers' communication with God. Rabbi Mordechai Eliahu said cellphones - known in Israel as "Miracle Phones - and pagers distracted people at prayer and had no place in a house of worship, regardless of who you are calling. Even Italians who religiously carry their cellular phones while dining in restaurants or jogging in forests might draw the line at priests using them in the confessional box. Following a complaint, a cartoon appeared in a daily newspaper showing a priest in a confessional box holding a cellular phone to his ear while simultaneously hearing a member of the faithful confess with the following caption: "Say three Our Fathers and three Hail Marys...No, no I wasn't talking to you" the priest says to the caller. Following reports in our lost edition of two Israeli commandos-in-training being disciplined for using privately-owned cellular phones to order take-away pizzas, we hear that the Israeli army has banned mobile phones on the frontlines after reports of a soldier calling his girlfriend while Iying in ambush in South Lebanon. Phones will now be restricted to barracks or club houses. How do you get the youngish and cellularly mobile to support your new restaurant? Simply open a trendy pavement restaurant and make it impossible to take bookings. Johannesburg's northern suburbs offers such a venue where you can not telephone - or use any other method either - to book a table. Unless of course you and your friends are cellularised. Then you might be able to make a booking and plans to meet friends, providing one of you is prepared to go on a reconnaissance. Cellular phonies please note: traffic police patrolling British motorways can now flash the message "Put your phones down!" in six different languages to motorists who persistently and mistakenly believe they can drive and conduct a long distance conversation at the same time. Industry experts expect it's a matter of time before local motorists under car kits legislation will be calling to say "Look ma, no Hands!" Recent reports of restaurant patrons calling for service on their cellphones, despite it going against basic cell etiquette, have taken a new turn. A waitron (Politically Correct for waiter/waitress) hurrying between tables at a popular restaurant soon realised that the two women he was trying to serve were talking to each other, blissfully unaware that they were in fact only tables apart. The corollary of course is that they were phony poseurs caught in the act. Vodacom's Service Centres have been kept busy since they gave the entire Springbok rugby squad cellphones-and some of the players for whom the technology is new, hove had to work through learning curves. One hunky forward was having trouble with his set, and called to complain. He found himself facing a flood of technical terms from a lady who was desperate to help her hero. "Just hang on, he said. "You must speak slowly. Remember I'm only a rugby player...". A Vodaworld freelance writer was trying to lay his hands on a news clipping of an article on cellular telephony, but found that the stock of The Star newspapers in his office had been scrutinised by his assistant, who had cut holes in them to clip other articles. "This is hopeless," he said, holding up a front page, and glaring through one of the holes. "Look-someone has clipped page one, and I needed a story on the other side. His assistant retorted 'What you are in fact looking at is the first Windows-based newspaper in the world. If you're going to be canoeing on the Vaal in winter after eight in the evening, it is prudent to take a few safety precautions. A few obvious ones spring to mind - like a first aid kit, worm, dry clothes and something to keep your blood sugar levels up - just in case it's not smooth paddling all the way. However, few intrepid sports people wouldn't dream of taking a cellular phone along. Fortunately for two canoeists who took to the river and got lost, there was a vigilant cellphone user on the banks who could alert the rescue team as to their whereabouts. Instead of spending a rather cold, damp and miserable night on the bank of the river, the police took them back to their camp site. Service provider Radiospoor recently fielded two requests - one for a "salad" phone, and the other for a cellulite" phone. [Affirmatives, no doubt! - HH] A woman sitting in a restaurant suddenly realised that her cellphone, which she hod put on the seat next to her, had been stolen. She asked the restaurant manager to call her cellphone number to detect the phone's whereabouts. A cellphone rang nearby, and another patron across the room went beetroot red in the face. The owner of the cellphone and the manager stormed over to the table to retrieve the phone. During the recent hijacking of the Japanese Boeing 747, at least three of 365 passengers and crew on board managed to place clondestine calls from the toilets, using their mobile telephones. In Hong Kong, a bank robber made the fatal mistake of leaving his cellular phone behind at the scene of the crime. Police obtained a print-out of all the calls made from the phone. Tracking down the suspect was a piece of cake. Some people call them phonies. They're those irritating people who constantly brandish their cellphones about, even at the most intimate of social occasions. They live by the motto 'if you've got it, flaunt it". A UK company has adopted a policy to the contrary. Besides selling cellphones, they now provide purchasers with a complete guide to cellphone etiquette. Included in this guide are hints on when it is prudent to flash your phone, and when it should be kept under wraps. A representative from Firstcall Cellular, on a long-awaited holiday in Natal, accidentally left her cellphone behind when she went diving with a friend. On the way back to the hotel their rental car broke down and, as there was no garage in sight, they took to hitch-hiking. The only vehicle to pass by was a police van, with loads of space to give them a lift - only problem was the space was in the back. The two spent the trip back to their hotel peering through the burs at curious onlookers. A high-flying Managing Director recently discovered that she had "misplaced" her cellphone late one Friday afternoon. After a futile search through her office and house, she admitted defeat and faced the prospect of having to purchase a new cellphone and change her cellular number. However, one last desperate call to her own number revealed the whereabouts of the lost cellular. A distant ringing from the back garden led the owner to a fresh mound of soil. Her bullmastiff had found a tastier use for her cellular and had buried it with his bones. In an attempt to profit from a traffic jam, a cellphone user decided to make a few business calls. In mid-sentence with her secretary, her phone was snatched out of her hand through the window. When the user returned to the office, she discovered that the thief had politely asked her secretary to book a table for him at a well-known restaurant before hanging up. "You're breaking up" takes on whole new meaning for cellular users. It is a phrase used to terminate long, tedious conversations with distraught and irritating friends and relatives. "...and then you wouldn't believe what he told me (sob)... that he had never really wanted to introduce me to his parents (sob)... because I wasn't a long-term investment for him! What does he-" "l'm sorry, Viv, you're breaking up. Your signal's going. I can't hear you. "Hello? hello...damn these things!" Grasping the finer workings of the cellular phone and its services seems to be a bit complicated for some users. While attempting to activate his Vodamailbox the user followed the instructions diligently. Voice prompt: "Say your first name and then your last name, and press hash". The message recorded was: "Say your first name and your last name, and then press hash". Cellular communication has made the lives of jet setters a real pleasure. While in Cape Town recently, three pleasure seekers hired a helicopter to visit a well-known, outdoor restaurant specialising in the finest West Coast seafood. Five minutes away from the restaurant, a call was made to clear landing space. While the passengers enjoyed lunch, the pilot visited friends until he was called back on his cellphone for departure. Sundowners at a nearby wine estate was an appropriate way to end the day and another cell call arranged for the estate to send a courtesy vehicle to the helipad. Thanks to cellphones, life can always be spontaneously planned - from the land, sea or air. We heard that during the run-up to the magnificent African Cup of Nations (Viva! Bafana Bafana, Viva!), much of the negotiation over the Nigerian issue took ploce by cellphone. Minister Tshwete was contactable during a trip to the Eastern Cape and was able to employ his legendary "Mr Fixit" qualities to keep the competition on track. (Oh yes, he did it on an 082 line.) 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 >On a farm out in the country lived a Man, a Woman, and their 3 sons. >Early one Mornin', the woman awoke. > >While lookin' out of the window onto the pasture, she saw the family's >only cow lyin' dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her--- >How could she possibly continue to feed her family now?? > >In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to >find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the >hopelessness of the situation, and shot himself in the head. > >Now the Eldest son, 22 yrs old, awoke to find his parents dead, as >well as the cow, and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. >When he got to the river he discovered a mermaid sittin' on the bank. > >She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for ur despair. If u'll >have SEX with me 5 times in a row, i'll restore ur parents and the cow to >you." The son agreed to try, but after 4 times, he was unable to satisfy >her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river. > >Next the 2nd son, 20 yrs old, awoke, after discoverin' what happened, he >too decided to drown himself in the river. The mermaid made the same >request as she did to the Eldest son. > >And while the 2nd son tried his best, it was just not good enough by >the mermaid's standard, and she drowned him in the river too. > >The youngest son awoke, and found his parents and the cow lyin' dead >on the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless >prospect for him. > >And so, he made his way to the river to throw himself in. There he >also met the mermaid. > >"I've seen all that has happened, and I can make everythin' rite if >you will only have SEX with me for 5 times in a row." He replied, "Is >that all?? why not 20 times in a row??" > >The mermaid was some what taken aback by his request. Then he said, >"Why not 25 times in a row??" and even when she was reluctantly agreein', >he ask, "Why not 30 times in a row??" > >Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, Big-Shot if you will have sex with >me 30 times in a row, I'll bring everybody back to perfect health." > >The young stud then shouted, "Okay lady, get ready for ME!! the last >time i did this 30 times in a row, I killed a GODDAM COW!!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 For once, it's taken at least a week after it happened that I heard the first joke about a sad event. If nothing else, they waited until after the funeral... Q: So how are the French going to paint their road tunnels in future? A: They won't. They're going to DIe them! Q: Why did they select Elton John to sing at Princess Diana's funeral? A: The Crash Test Dummies were fully booked! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Q: Why did Michael Jackson decide to come to S.A. now, of all times? A: It's school holidays! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 I wonder if this is a sign of the times or just a "what the hell, they arn't mine" attitude.. A teacher who left a group of nine fourth graders unsupervised in a "time out room" has been suspended after the kids locked the door and had sex. The school's principal is also under fire since he downplayed the incident by saying the kids all "consented" to the activity. "Consensual? For 9-year-olds? I mean, something is not right here," complained U.S. Senator Trent Lott. (AP) Do you know what your 9 year old's get up to at school? 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Just when you thought it was safe to surf the net... Saddam Hussein Goes Online - Almost Fans of President Saddam Hussein can now send messages to the reclusive Iraqi president on the Internet via an official homepage set up to celebrate his 60th birthday, a computer firm said on Sunday. But well-wishers hoping for replies to their e-mail will have to patient. There are no Internet facilities in Iraq and Saddam's electronic mail-box is 500 miles away in neighboring Jordan. All messages have to travel by land in and out of sanction-hit Baghdad. "I will print them out here and send them by driver," said Iyad Awad, Amman representative of the Iraqi company Nahj Computer Services which set up the homepage last week. Awad said he had already received many messages but he was saving them up "so we can send a big amount." "It seems all the Arabic public were waiting for this, they are very enthusiastic," he told Reuters. The page, at http://196.27.0.22/iraq , shows Iraq's flag with the Arabic inscription Allahu Akbar (God is great) and a grainy picture of Saddam Hussein, described simply as "The Leader." There is a biography of Saddam in Arabic and a description in English of the suffering which Iraqis have endured during nearly seven years of U.N. sanctions, imposed on Baghdad for its 1990 invasion of Kuwait. Blurred pictures of barely discernable tourist landmarks are also on display. Saddam rarely appears in public and skipped his own birthday parade in his hometown of Tikrit last week, but Awad said any e-mail addressed to him would be passed on to Iraqi authorities in Baghdad. "These messages should go to the proper places," he said. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 ****************************************************************** WARNING, CAUTION, DANGER, AND BEWARE! Gullibility Virus Spreading over the Internet! ****************************************************************** WASHINGTON, D.C.--The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows up in their inbox or on their browser. The Gullibility Virus, as it is called, apparently makes people believe and forward copies of silly hoaxes relating to cookie recipes, email viruses, taxes on modems, and get-rich-quick schemes. "These are not just readers of tabloids or people who buy lottery tickets based on fortune cookie numbers," a spokesman said. "Most are otherwise normal people, who would laugh at the same stories if told to them by a stranger on a street corner." However, once these same people become infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe anything they read on the Internet. "My immunity to tall tales and bizarre claims is all gone," reported one weeping victim. "I believe every warning message and sick child story my friends forward to me, even though most of the messages are anonymous." Another victim, now in remission, added, "When I first heard about Good Times, I just accepted it without question. After all, there were dozens of other recipients on the mail header, so I thought the virus must be true." It was a long time, the victim said, before she could stand up at a Hoaxees Anonymous meeting and state, "My name is Jane, and I've been hoaxed." Now, however, she is spreading the word. "Challenge and check whatever you read," she says. Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the virus, which include the following: the willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking the urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to others a lack of desire to take three minutes to check to see if a story is true T. C. is an example of someone recently infected. He told one reporter, "I read on the Net that the major ingredient in almost all shampoos makes your hair fall out, so I've stopped using shampoo." When told about the Gullibility Virus, T. C. said he would stop reading email, so that he would not become infected. Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to seek help immediately. Experts recommend that at the first feelings of gullibility, Internet users rush to their favorite search engine and look up the item tempting them to thoughtless credence. Most hoaxes, legends, and tall tales have been widely discussed and exposed by the Internet community. Courses in critical thinking are also widely available, and there is online help from many sources, including Department of Energy Computer Incident Advisory Capability at http://ciac.llnl.gov/ciac/CIACHoaxes.html Symantec Anti Virus Research Center at http://www.symantec.com/avcenter/index.html McAfee Associates Virus Hoax List at http://www.mcafee.com/support/hoax.html Dr. Solomons Hoax Page at http://www.drsolomons.com/vircen/hoax.html The Urban Legends Web Site at http://www.urbanlegends.com Urban Legends Reference Pages at http://www.snopes.com Datafellows Hoax Warnings at http://www.Europe.Datafellows.com/news/hoax.htm Those people who are still symptom free can help inoculate themselves against the Gullibility Virus by reading some good material on evaluating sources, such as Evaluating Internet Research Sources at http://www.sccu.edu/faculty/R_Harris/evalu8it.htm Evaluation of Information Sources at http://www.vuw.ac.nz/~agsmith/evaln/evaln.htm Bibliography on Evaluating Internet Resources at http://refserver.lib.vt.edu/libinst/critTHINK.HTM Lastly, as a public service, Internet users can help stamp out the Gullibility Virus by sending copies of this message to anyone who forwards them a hoax. ****************************************************************** This message is so important, we're sending it anonymously! Forward it to all your friends right away! Don't think about it! This is not a chain letter! This story is true! Don't check it out! This story is so timely, there is no date on it! This story is so important, we're using lots of exclamation points! For every message you forward to some unsuspecting person, the Home for the Hopelessly Gullible will donate ten cents to itself. (If you wonder how the Home will know you are forwarding these messages all over creation, you're obviously thinking too much.) ****************************************************************** ACT NOW! DON'T DELAY! LIMITED TIME! NOT SOLD IN ANY STORE! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Date: Sat, 4 Oct 97 3:20:05 EDT OK, now, bear in mind that I'm not a primary source here; I just heard about it, and saw the aftermath. But: Last night (9/30-10/1) at midnight, Mr. Bill's Browser 4.0 was released. Late last night, between midnight and 1:30, somebody (MS? probably) dumped a huge IE logo on Netscape's front lawn (a metal shell, apparently, deep enough to stand up on its own). They probably expected that we wouldn't notice until morning, and wouldn't be able to get equipment to move it until 11:00 or so, and some press cameras would come by in the meantime; we wouldn't be able to bring legal action, 'cause we wouldn't have any proof, and we'd just look whiny. Well. Needless to say, MS was dumb: they forgot that we're *here* at midnight! Somebody spotted it, and, rather than waste effort trying to get rid of the logo, they decided to slap MS in the face with it instead. (Figuratively. :-) They gathered people to help, and they tipped over the IE logo so that it was lying on its back, spraypainted "Netscape Now" on the side facing the street...and then carried over our 7-foot-tall statue of Mozilla (Netscape's Godzillaoid mascot) and stood it up on top of the IE logo. So now we have Mozilla standing on top of the defeated IE (with his thumb up and a grin on his face), and people are wandering by and taking pictures; it got covered in by local papers and TV, and I've been told Reuters picked it up. Not the sort of thing we'd publicize on purpose, 'cause it is a little childish...but they started it! :-) 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 "Actual" dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee: TECH: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?" CUST: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." TECH: "What sort of trouble?" CUST: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." TECH: "Went away?" CUST: "They disappeared." TECH: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" CUST: "Nothing." TECH: "Nothing?" CUST: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." TECH: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" CUST: "How do I tell?" TECH: "Can you see the "C" prompt on the screen?" CUST: "What's a sea-prompt?" TECH: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" CUST: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." TECH: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" CUST: "What's a monitor?" TECH: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" CUST: "I don't know." TECH: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" CUST: "...Yes, I think so." TECH: "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." CUST: "...Yes, it is." TECH: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" CUST: "No." TECH: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." CUST: "...Okay, here it is." TECH: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." CUST: "I can't reach." TECH: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" CUST: "No." TECH: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" CUST: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark." TECH: "Dark?" CUST: "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." TECH: "Well, turn on the office light then." CUST: "I can't." TECH: "No? Why not?" CUST: "Because there's a power outage." TECH: "A power... a power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" CUST: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." TECH: "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." CUST: "Really? Is it that bad?" TECH: "Yes, I'm afraid it is." CUST: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" TECH: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer." [I got this Joke from my Computer Science teacher] 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A university crative writing class was asked to write a concis essay containing these four elements: - religion - royalty - sex - mystery The prize-winning essay read: "My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it, one to rewire the socket so that Netscape light bulbs won't work in it, one to rewrite Sun's light bulbs into something unrecognizable (and non-functional), and one to convince the justice department that all Microsoft light bulbs are conforming to anti-trust laws. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 With Monday's 554-point drop in the Dow, I understand that Tuesday's weather forecast for New York City will be partly cloudy, with expected highs in the mid 50s, lows expected in the lower 40s, and a 20% chance of falling stockbrokers in the afternoon and evening hours. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass. "Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?" "Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?" "You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here." "I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Q: Why does Bill Gates prefer Windows NT over his wife? A: It goes down more than she does. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A Long time Ago, in a Galaxy far, far away... Luke: "You used to program." Ben: "I was once a software engineer the same as your father." Luke: "My father wasn't a software engineer. He was a custodian at Lockheed-Martin." Ben: "That's what your Uncle told you. He didn't hold with your father's ideals. He thought he should go to work. Not gotten a degree." Luke: "I wish I had known him." Ben: "He was a cunning object-oriented analyst, and the best systems programmer in the galaxy. I understand you've become quite a good hacker yourself. And he was a good friend. For over ten years the systems programmers created user interfaces. Before the dark times. Before Microsoft." Luke: "How did my father die?" Ben: "A young systems programmer named Bill Gates, who was a student until his mommy kicked him out of her basement, founded Microsoft and helped destroy the intuitive user interface. He betrayed and murdered the Macintosh. Gates was seduced by the Dark Side of Money." Luke: "Money?" Ben: "Yes, Money is what gives a programmer his resources. It's an exchange system created by human beings. It surrounds us. Works for us. Binds the economy together. Which reminds me. Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your Uncle wouldn't allow it. He thought you'd follow old Obi-Wan on some damn idealistic crusade." Luke: "What is it?" Ben: "It's an object modeling tool. The weapon of a systems programmer. Not as random or clumsy as a lexical parser. An elegant compiler for a more civilized age." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 I met a Royal Marine who was stationed in Hong Kong during the last weeks. After a few beers, he told me: "I could have trouble for saying this, but I think we ought to keep Hong Kong and give them Northern Ireland." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 From today's Computergram, 07/18/97: MORE ON THE COMPAQ-TANDEM MERGER We're grateful to a reader in Belgium of our sister publication ClieNT Server News, who, reading that publication's idle speculation that the combination of Compaq Computer Corp and Tandem Computers Inc might be called... well, Condem, responded "I think it should be called Tampaq..." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 LUKE: Obi-Wan! You told me that the Macintosh was a dead platform. BEN: Macintosh was seduced by the dark side. It ceased to truly be Apple and became an aspect of Microsoft. When that happened, the good system which was the Macintosh was destroyed. So what I have told you was true... from a certain point of view. LUKE: A certain point of view! BEN: Luke, you're going to find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view. LUKE: There's still good in the Macintosh. BEN: I also thought it could be turned back to the good side. It couldn't be done. It is more machine now than interface. Twisted and evil. LUKE: I can't abandon the Macintosh platform. BEN: Then Bill has already won. You were our only hope. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 I promise this really happened: I was working as a pharmacist intern at a busy retail store when I received a phone call from a frantic man, he wanted to know the side effects of Maintain. Maintain is a topical nerve blocker, which temporarily blocks sensations, and is used to treat premature ejaculation in men. I explained to the man that a skin rash is always a possibility, but most people have no problem with this product. The man was still upset, so I finally asked him if there was a specific problem he was having with the product. He explained that he and his wife had just used the Maintain, and now his wife was slurring her words, and unable to control her tongue very well. I told him not to worry. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 One day Adam and Eve looked up and saw God standing there holding a bag. "Hi, God. What's in the bag?" asked Eve. "These are a couple of things that I have left over from creation." God rummages around in the bag a moment. "Who wants to be able to pee standing up?" Adam immediately puts his hand up in the air, waving frantically. "Me! Me! Me! Oh, oh, PLEASE, God, let me have it! Just think of how much more work I could get done in the fields if I could pee standing up! And it would help SO MUCH when I'm out hunting! Oh, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me have it!" "Well, OK, here. Now, let's see what else we have." God rummages about a bit more in the bag. "Ah, right. Multiple orgasms." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 This is a true story. While visiting a local junk yard, looking for a part, the owner related this event to me. A well endowed, scantly dressed young woman came in to the yard one day, looking for a part for her car. A younger, county raised, not to worldly, employee went to help her. While she was looking over his car parts, he was looking over hers. His eyes were open with wonderment, examining all her pierced body parts. When her eyes returned to his, she found him staring, open mouthed, at her bare midriff, and a large gold ring piercing her navel. She calmly said, "That's where I hang my air freshener". 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 There were these female siamese twins, one was a nymphomaniac, the other loved to play the saxaphone. Both of them loved Julio Iglasias. One day he did a show in their town, they went to the show, snuck in back stage, met Julio, had a few drinks and soon they were back in his hotel room. The nympho had wild sex with Julio while the sister played her saxaphone. A few years later, one of the sisters read in the paper that Julio was coming back to town, she said to her sister, "Lets go to the show, maybe we can party with Julio again." Her sister said, "Oh he'll never remember us." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 This 75 year old woman had a vision one night, she saw and spoke to God. She asked him, "how much time do I have to live?" He said, "you have 35 years left." So that whole year she had a ton of cosmetic surgery, she had a face lift, a tummy tuck, her nose reshaped, liposuction, she completely did herself over. She figured as long as she was going to live another 35 years she was going to look young again. After all this was done, that same year she was hit by a car and was killed instantly. When she entered St. Peter's gate she walked over to God and said, "What happened? I thought you said I had another 35 years!" God replied, "I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 It's well known that the host of Jeopardy!, Alex Trebek, is Canadian. I wonder how he'd react to a fellow Canadian contestant, though: Canuck: "The Eiffel tower." Trebek: "Please state your answer in the form of a question." Canuck: "The Eiffel tower, eh?" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A woman was applying for a new position as a maid. When asked why she left her last place of employment, she replied, "They paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I have ever worked. Last night they had several guests over, and they said that they were going to play a game called 'bridge'. But just as I was about to bring in the refreshments, I heard a man say to a lady, 'Take your hand off my trick.' Well, I almost dropped the refreshments right then and there. Then I heard another man say to a lady, 'Lay down and let's see what you have.' Another man said, 'Well, I have strength but no length.' Just then a woman said, 'You forced me and jumped me twice when you didn't have strength enough for one raise.' Another woman was talking about protecting her honor. Well, I just got my hat and coat, and as I was leaving, I heard one of those men say, 'Well, guess I'll have to leave now since this is the last rubber.' If they think that this woman is going to put up with such things going on right underneath her nose, they had better think again. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly screwed she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes. The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds gain that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points own the beach to a small development of ten such mansions. Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for. No problem, said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. For my last wish... "I'd like to give birth to twins". 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 ********Hey, Masturbater***************** (to the tune of the Macarenna) Sitting in my house, and I know that I'm alona, Feeling kinda horny, got a jingle in my bona. Go and grab a Penthouse its the one with Sharon Stona. Hey Masturbata!! I go a little faster and its feeling kind of nicea, Once ain't enough so I have to do it twicea. If you wanna spank the monkey I can give you good advicea. Hey Masturbata!! I use some baby oil or a little Vaselina, Laying down a towel so I keep my carpet cleana. Never shake my hand cause you don't know where its beena Hey Masturbata!! I do it in the car when I'm driving down the streeta, One hand on the wheel and the other's on my meata. I can't get out the car cause I'm sticking to the seata. Hey Masturbater!! Since I was a kid I have been a Masturbater, choke the chicken, hum the knob, squeezing the tomata. I've looked at Ms. November now I'm gonna decorate her. Hey, Masturbater!! Buffing the banana, Mr. Lizard shaking bacona, Pounding on the flounder and its mayonnaise I'm makinga. Spank the frank, wax the carrot, god my hand is achinga. Hey, Masturbater!! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 YOUR CO-WORKER COULD BE A SPACE ALIEN, SAY EXPERTS ... here's how you can tell (by Michael Cassels of the "National Inquirer") Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human - but you can spot these visitors byy looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They listed 10 signs to watch for: 1. Odd or mismatched clothes. "Often space aliens don't fully understand the different styles, so they wear combinations that are in bad taste, such as checked pants with a striped shirt or a tuxedo jacket with blue jeans or sneakers," noted Brad Steiger, a renowned UFO investigator and author. 2. Strange diet or unusual eating habits. Space aliens might eat French fires with a spoon or gobble down large amounts of pills, the experts say. 3. Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who don't understand earthly humor may laugh during a serious company training film or tell jokes that no one understands, said Steiger. 4. Takes frequent sick days. A space alien might need extra time off to "rejuvenate its energy," said Dr. Thomas Easton, a theoretical biologist and futurist. 5. Keeps a written or tape recorded diary. "Aliens are constantly gathering information." said Steiger. 6. Misuses everday items. "A space alien may use correction fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger. 7. Constant questioning about customs of co-workers. Space aliens who are trying to learn about earth culture might ask questions that seem stupid, Easton said. "For example, a co-worker may ask why so many Americans picnic on the Fourth of July," noted Steiger. 8. Secretive about personal life-style and home. "An alien won't discuss domestic details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends," said Steiger. 9. Frequently talks to himself. "An alien may not be used to speaking as we do, so an alien may practice speaking," Steiger noted. 10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger. The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 If you get it from someone in a wheelchair, it's ROLLAIDS If you get it from a hard-of-hearing person, it's HEARING AIDS If you catch it from a cocktail waitress, it's now BARMAIDS If you catch it from a virgin, you have FIRST AIDS If you've been infected by JACK LEMMON, they call it LEMONAIDS If you catch it at school, it's now GRRAIDS If you contract it from a follower of Jim Jones, it's KOOL AIDS If you get it in Florida, it's called GATORAIDS If it's spread by cockroaches, it's RAIDS If you're lucky enough to have gotten it from BO DEREK, it's BRAIDS If you catch it while marching, you have PARAIDS If you catch it from touching an air freshener, you've got GLAIDS If you give it back to someone who infected you, it's now called TRAIDS If you catch it in France, you have PAR LE VOUZ FRANCAIDS If you've been digging with a gang member, you'll get SWITCHBLAIDS If your're infected by Ronald Reagan, you have PRESIDENTIAL AIDS If you catch it from Anthony Perkins dressed like an old lady, it's NORMAN BAIDS If you've touched a pair of infected sunglasses, it's SHAIDS If you got ill durring the end of a work week, it's T.G.I. FRIDAIDS If you get it playing party games, you've now got CHARAIDS If you get it from a leather jacket, it's SUAIDS If you get it on Halloween, it's MASQUERAIDS If you're sleeping with Gumby, you got GREEN CLAIDS If you have been using an infected dishwasher, you're likely to get CASCAIDS If you eat an infected chocolate bar, you could contract MILKY AIDS If you get it from a musician, it's BANDAIDS If you get it from a pest control person, it's ORCHAIDS If you get it from the swamps in Florida, it's EVERGLAIDS If you catch it all by yourself, it's MASTERBAIDS 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 THE COMPLETE ANALOGY OF A MAN......... Why are men such jerks? It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average lifespan of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood. Why do men always have to ogle at other women? Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can. Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public? We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus. Why do men always say such stupid things? We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words. Why are men so uncommunicative? You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner. Why do men have to act like such retards? Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays. Why can't men just share their feelings? Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel. Why can't men cuddle more (i.e. lie down and hug)? Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the heck (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story. How can men sit on their asses all day without moving? Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The figgidy types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etcetera. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability. Why can't men just say "I love you?" Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults. Why do men say "I love you" when they hardly know me? Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well. What does it mean when men say "I Love You?" 1. Please sleep with me. 2. I'm sorry for whatever it is that I did. 3. I forgot to get you a gift; this will have to do. 4. Huh? I'm sorry; I wasn't listening. 5. What did I forget? This should buy me a little time. 6. Stop nagging me. 7. What do I have to do to get a beer around here? Why doesn't my partner ever answer me? We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things. Why won't men ever pick up after themselves? Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up. What's with all the belching and farting? This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps. Why do men hate shopping? It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? err... Buying? Why can't men ever leave the toilet seat down? Have you ever seen one of us pee? The proper position of the toilet seat is up. Mathematically speaking, the proper position of the toilet seat is a function of the time spent peeing over the time spent sitting. The closer that ratio approaches one, the truer the proposition. Besides, it's actually a courtesy that we lift the seat. Why would we care if we pee all over the seat. You're the ones that have to sit on it. You should appreciate the fact that we actually lift the darn thing. We aim to please. Why do men find blonde bimbos attractive? Are you kidding? Even leaving the physical aside, blonde bimbos are generally much easier to get along (alone) with. They like having fun and doing exciting things. They don't walk around with the weight of the world on their shoulders. They don't ever give us a hard time for being a dumb male; and plus they laugh at most of our jokes (even the ones they don't get). What more could any of us males ask for? Why do men act like they own the remote control? What do you mean act? We do; possession is nine tenths of the law. Besides, it is an awesome responsibility not to be entrusted to just anyone. I believe the only fair way to decide who gets the remote control is to arm wrestle for it. Why can't men stay on a single channel for more than two seconds? Are you kidding? What if there is something good on the next channel? We could miss it if we stay on one channel for too long. (See also: Why do men fear commitment?) Why do men fear commitment? Don't be so surprised. Yes; most of us do know what 'commitment' means and can spell it correctly. It's like an automobile. No matter how good you think this year's model is, they're always coming out with newer, faster, better, sleeker, and sexier models. We simply cannot be expected to purchase the first one we see. We must browse around a bit and test drive a few. Who wants to end up with a lemon? At least with a car, there's a slight chance of it eventually becoming a classic. It simply makes much more sense to lease and upgrade to the younger... err... I mean newer models every couple of years. Some of them come with fun extras like dual air bags. What does it mean when men say, "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now" or "I don't want a girl friend?" It means that we like you enough to sleep with you, but not enough so that we want to see you repeatedly. What does it mean when men say, "Can we just be friends?" Generally, it means that the recipient of said comment is physically repulsive enough that no beer goggles may be thick enough to provide adequate protection. Do all men really masturbate? Yes. It is genetically inherited behavior. It's been passed on from our most primal forefathers, and it'll be passed on to our sons. Why do men generally have greater upper body strength? Several factors are at work, namely evolution, heredity, nutrition, and environment. (See also: Do all men really masturbate?) Why do men generally have better hand-eye or spatial coordinate motor coordination? It is like with all things. Practice... Practice... Practice... (See also: Do all men really masterbate?) Why are men so obsessed with beautiful women? As opposed to what? Really ugly women? Face it, if men were obsessed with ugly women, there would be just as much bitching about why men are so obsessed with ugly women. No matter how you set this up, some people are always going to be left out. I don't see anyone screaming about equal treatment for the stupid people either. Why do men like younger women? Well, let's see. Besides the fact that they like older men, they're easily impressed. They're also perky, energetic, and come with very little baggage. And gravity has less prevail over their bodies. Why do men only have one thing on their minds? While technically correct, this statement is not strictly true. We may only be able to entertain one idea at a time, but we do think of lots of other things besides sex, such as sports and beer. We also get hungry quite often. How can men possibly find that other woman attractive (i.e. whatever do you see in that fat pig)? Even if you happen to be Cindy Crawford, once we get the idea that you are ours, other women suddenly become much more attractive and you lose a few attractiveness points. I'm a bit puzzled by this one myself. I think evolution is to blame. We men are just innocent bystanders in the war of the selfish genes. You should love us despite our inherent weakness. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES "You guys line up alphabetically by height." - Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." - Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school." -Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton." -Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my #%@# clothes." - Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to." - Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." -Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." - Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 G I T S Y N D R O M E The "git syndrome" started between me and the friend over the phone last year when we were discussing something that had happened to him that day. Basically a git syndrome is an incident that makes you feel a right twat or something that really annoys. - When your walking along the street and trip up over a paving stone you always get that feeling that somebody has seen you and you start to feel embarrassed - When a girl rings when your out and whoever answered the phone hasn`t taken their name. - You buy a new top and go to a club only to find some one wearing exactly the same thing - Ugly fat blokes in pornos shagging fit women - Being mugged. - Icey pavements that make you walk really slowly and make you look like a cunt. - Being blown out by a girl in front of your mates. - Buying an album finding out it's shit and trying to blag the record shop assistant that your brother bought it for you and you have already got it and could you please have your money back. - Being given vouchers instead of money for the above. - Having to look pleased when someone gives you a present that you think is really shit. - Girlfriends who moan when you go out with your mates. - Getting in the shower only to find there's no towel in the bath room. - Ignoring shivering homeless people who ask you for money and then feeling really shitty about it later. - Nob-heads who stare at you in pubs. - Taxis that don't turn up. - Having the shits and not being able to go any where in case you need the toilet in a rush. - When you were at school, getting a bollocking in assembly and having the whole hall turn round and stare at you. - Having your house burgled and your video nicked at Chrimbo. - Gits who think that because you have long hair you must be gay. - Getting on a bus and seeing somebody who you only slightly know and wondering if you should let on or not. - Letting on to somebody you only slightly know and having them look at you as though to say "Who are you?" - Being told by a friend that there was a liquidation sale only two miles away from your house where an Power PC with monitor was sold for thirty quid! (YES THIS IS TRUE!) 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 On a special teacher's day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, and said, "I bet I know what it is ... some flowers." "How did you know?" asked the young fella. "Just a guess," she smiled. The candy store owner's daughter gave her a gift. The teacher shook it. "I can guess ... a box of candy." "Yes!" said the little girl. "How did you know?" "Just a lucky guess," winked the teacher. The liquor store owner's son approached with a large gift. When the teacher shook it, the package started leaking. She touched her finger to the leak and tasted it. "Is it wine?" The boy shook his head no. She tasted again. "Champagne?" No, said the boy. "I give up," said the teacher. "What is it?" Replied the boy: "A puppy!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 God: The Ultimate Autobiography =============================== (Holy Ghost-written by Jeremy Pascall) submitted by Johnathan R. Partington Featuring: * THE TRUTH ABOUT ADAM AND EVE, and why they were fired from the world's first theme park. * SODOM AND GOMORRAH: THE CITIES OF SIN, including street plans, good food guides and listings of the best clubs, discos, and bars. And why compulsory demolition orders were placed on all of them. * BEGETTING: THE DO'S AND DON'T'S, including why you shouldn't covet your neighbor's ass. And exclusively revealing: * The Eleventh Commandment! * That pigs were *meant* to fly, and rhinos were designed to live under stones! * That the sky should have been called "Waxtl" but Adam couldn't pronounce it! Plus a word for any atheists among you: "Wrong!" Ebury Press - ISBN 0 85223 657 3 - Hardback - $5.95 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Great Exam Lies =============== by Dr. Strangeloop and The Eater of Babies (1) "All the data you need will be printed on the front of the paper." (2) "You only need to answer two questions to pass." (3) "It's not a test of memory, it's a test of ability." (4) "There's plenty of time to read through the paper before you start." (5) (from the lecture course) "I probably won't test you on this." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Toni was a communist and very unhappy in capitalist Austria. He wanted to go over the border to Russia, where everything was supposed to be better. His friend Josef was interested too. However, they'd also heard a few stories of repressions and shortages, so they didn't know what to do. "Look," said Toni, "I've got an idea. I'll go over first. If everything's great, I'll write back a letter with blue ink. If things really are awful, and everything's censored, I'll write back a letter with green ink." Toni went over the border. After several months Josef got the following letter, written in blue ink: "Dear Josef, "Everything is just terrific. I'm doing very well. I've got a beautiful large apartment, and there's lots to eat and drink. Prices are really low and you can get whatever you want. The only thing I haven't been able to find is green ink. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 H U N G O V E R ? Hungover? No, I'm NOT hungover. What ever gave you that idea? My eyes? No, they've always been that color. Honestly. Yes, blood-red eyes ARE pretty rare, I'll admit that, but I'm a bit disappointed you didn't notice before now. No, leave the curtains, I'm a bit sensitive to light at the moment. Of course I remember what I was doing last night. Why shouldn't I? What? Of course I remember singing "I Left My Heart in San Franciso". No, I don't know all the words, but at least I tried. And the only reason I'm whispering is because I've strained my throat. OK, and I'll admit I'm not that good at juggling. But they were only cheap plates, and I'm sure the poodle didn't mind. But my knife-throwing is definitely up to scratch. By the way, how is your wife? Oh shut up! It was just a minor nick. They only had to use 2 pints of blood, be grateful for small mercies. They might let her out today. I'll tell you something, though. That Chinese carry-out we had on the way home must have been a bit off. I was violently sick when I came in this morning. I've never trusted that place. No, it was NOT because I'd drunk 17 pints. I'm quite capable of holding my beer, thank you. Skint? Me? I only spent a fiver. No, honestly, I've got loads of cash. Same again tonight? Er .... sorry, I'm going to be a bit busy tonight. Um .. yes, lots to do. But don't let me stop you. Now if you'd excuse me, I MUST go and throw up. That Chinese is coming back on me. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 H A S S L E S O F B E I N G A M A N Being a bloke has it's good points - but it's also got a whole host of hassles, like the included seven. 1) Pissing is the first hassle. I mean, you come in on a Friday night and you go for a piss. You can barely stand up so you piss all over the toilet. At some points you get two streams of piss! 2) The second is when you actually get bollocked for pissing all over the toilet - it's just not fair! 3) The third is having to fight all the time. I mean you're having an argument about fish or something and then suddenly it's "Let's fight about it then" - why? 4) Getting into nightclubs is also a bastard. Any female that has breasts is straight in but gentlemen are still turned away when their 83! 5) An unexpected hard-on is the next bastard. You're in maths with a crippled, old prune for a teacher when, bugger me, you've got the boner of the century! You can't get rid of it and then when you piss it goes in your mouth! 6) If a lad even talks to a lass then everyone calls him puff, fairy, queer etc. 7) Hair is a hassle. You start getting it in the weirdest imaginable places. Round your nipples, on your arse - itch city! Well, I hope all the female readers understand us guys a bit better now. So next time the toilets got piss all over it - GO EASY ON YOUR MAN! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 S O M E H E R O I C F A I L U R E S Here follows some extracts from "The book of Heroic Failures" by Stephen Pile first published in 1979. Most of the information is quite old; 10+ years old, still I hope you find some of you will find this interesting. THE LEAST SUCCESSFUL WEAPONS The British contributions was the No. 74 (ST) hand grenade, known affectionately as the "sticky bomb". A special feature was an adhesive coating which enabled it to stick to the side of an enemy tank. It also enabled it to stick to the thrower which was generally what happened. Once stuck, the soldier then had a considerable five second delay in which to extricate himself. Even if he succeeded, only a practised shot putter could hope to lob the four and a half pound bomb far enough to ensure his own safety. It was the most unpopular weapon the British soldier has ever been asked to use and was soon discontinued. For their part, the Japanese produced the Lunge bomb, which comprised of a long pole with a grenade and three spikes attached. To use it the infantryman approached the tank, rammed the spike through its side and retired to a safe distance. However, since the safety pin had to be removed before this operation could begin, the ramming action almost invariably caused the bomb to detonate before the soldier had time to run away. However, the prize for the most useless weapon of all time goes to the Russians, who, rather dourly, invented the dog mine. The plan here was to train the dogs to associate food with the underneath of tanks, in the hope that they would run hungrily beneath advancing Panzer divisions. Bombs were then strapped to their backs which endangered the dogs to a point where no insurance company would look at them. Unfortunately, they associated food solely with Russian tanks and forced an entire Soviet division into retreat. The plan was abandoned on day two of the Russian involvement in World War Two. THE MOST MISPRINTS IN A NEWSPAPER This record is claimed for a page in The Times of London on 15 March 1978; it contains 78 misprints. One story starts "Sir Harold Wilson`s action in making public a oss" and goes on to deal with a broadcast involving the "governm" and "comparahle" pay claims. These errors were caused by an industrial dispute and do not, in any case, have the sheer style of the Guardian which can do this sort of thing quite unaided. Among its most famous misprints was a review of the opera Doris Gudenov. THE GREATEST MATHEMATICAL ERROR The "Mariner 1" space probe was launched from Cape Canaveral on 28th of July, 1962 towards Venus. After 13 minutes flight a booster engine would give acceleration up to 25,820 mph; after 44 minutes 9,800 solar cells would unfold; after 80 days a computer would calculate the final course corrections and after 100 days the craft would circle the unknown planet, scanning the mysterious cloud in which is it bathed. However, with an efficiency that is truly heartening, Mariner 1 plunged into the Atlantic Ocean only four minutes after take off. Inquiries later revealed that a minus sign had been omitted from the instructions fed into the computer. "It was human error", a launch spokesman said. This minus sign cost 4,280,000 pounds. THE LEAST SUCCESSFUL WEATHER REPORT After severe flooding in Jeddah in January 1979, the Arab News gave the following bulletin: "We regret we are unable to give you the weather. We rely on weather reports from the airport, which is closed because of the weather. Whether we are able to give you the weather tomorrow depends on the weather". THE MOST INACCURATE VALUE OF PI Pi is a mathematical constant which is the ratio of the circumference of the circle to its diameter. It is a never ending number and for most calculations, is taken to its third decimal place (3.142). However, in 1897 the General Assembly of Indiana passed a Bill ruling that the value of Pi was four. This ensured that all mathematical and engineering calculations in the state would be wrong. It would, for example, mean that a pendulum clock would gain about fifteen minutes every hour. THE LEAST CONVENIENT POST BOX In March 1979 workmen at Ballymacra, County Antrim, replaced a telegraph pole upon which a pillar box was fixed. The workmen did not have the official keys needed to release the clips that fastened the box to the pole. So they raised it over the top of the old one and then slipped it down the old one. The new pole turned out to be thicker than the old one and the post box came to rest nine feet above the ground. It remained in this position for three weeks during which time some post still managed to get through. "I am told" said Mr Ernie McDermott, the postmaster, "that someone provided a step ladder. The mind boggles". THE MOST BORING LECTURE One of the most boring lecturers in the civilized world is certainly Dr. David Coward of Leeds University. He won the "Boring Lecturer of the Year" contest, held annually at Leeds, two years running. Lecturers nominate themselves and may speak on any subject. Dr. Coward, a lecturer in the French Department, set the record in 1977 with a delightfully dull talk on "The problem of the manned urinal". In winning, he fended off such slight opposition as a man who fell asleep during his third sentence amidst boos and catcalls, and a member of the medical faculty whose lecture "How to tell right from left" was repeatedly illustrated by slides of a billiard ball viewed from different angles. The previous year Dr. Coward had won with a Marxist explanation of a joke about coconuts. "It wasn`t a terribly good joke," he said, "but after I had explained it for twenty minutes people began to see its latent merits". He retired from the competition undefeated. THE LEAST SUCCESSFUL POLICE STATEMENT In 1978 a man charged with murder escaped from the custody of the Irish police. The Garda Press Office issued a statement to the effect that, "He is no more dangerous than any other murderer". THE LEAST SUCCESSFUL PORNOGRAPHIC BOOKSELLER In February 1970 a Swiss pornographic bookseller was fined the equivalent of 47 pounds and given a ten month suspended sentence because his books were not sufficiently pornographic. Angry residents of Biel took him to court because his wares were not as "sexually erotic" as his advertising campaign had led them to believe. At the hearing many of them expressed the view that had they been interested in veils, curtains, cushions and household plants they would have brought a furnishing catalogue. THE LEAST PROFITABLE ROBBERY Intending to steal cash from a supermarket in 1977, a Southampton thief employed a unique tactic to divert the till girls attention. His method was to collect a trolley full of goods, arrive at her till and put down 10 pounds by way of payment. She would then take the money and open the till, upon which he would snatch the contents. He arrived at the cash desk and put down the 10 pounds. She took it and opened the till; but there was only 4.37 pounds in it. Undeterred, the Southampton thief snatched that and made his getaway, having lost 5.63 pounds on the raid. The till girl was considerably uncertain what to do for the best. She screamed briefly until calmed by her friend Betty. THE WORST MOMENT FOR A CRIME Choosing the right moment is vitally important in any crime. Mr David Goodall of Barnsley, for example, set off in January 1979 to do a bit of shoplifting. He had hardly entered Barnsley`s British Home Stores when he was simultaneously seized by eight pairs of hands. The shop was holding a convention of store detectives at the time. FAILED ATTEMPTS TO BREAK RECORDS In September 1978 Mr Terry Gripton, of Stafford, failed to break the world shouting record by two and a half decibels. "I am not surprised he failed" his wife said afterwards. "He`s really a very quiet man and doesn`t even shout at me". In August of the same year Mr Paul Anthony failed to break the record for continuous organ playing by 387 hours. His attempt at the Golden Fry Fish Restaurant in Manchester ended after 36 hours 10 minutes, when he was accused of disturbing the peace. "People complained I was too noisy" he said. In January 1976 Mr Barry McQueen failed to walk backwards across the Menai Bridge playing the bagpipes. "It was raining heavily and my drone got water logged" he said. A TV cameraman thwarted Mr Bob Specas` attempt to topple 100,000 dominoes at the Manhattan Centre, New York, on 9th of June, 1978. 97,500 dominoes had been set up when he dropped his press badge and set them off. THE LEAST SUCCESSFUL EQUAL PAY ADVERTISEMENT In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal pay enforcement officer. The advertisement offered different salary scales for men and women. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 H O W D O T H E Y K N O W ? This article asks just one question - how do the scientists know certain "facts"? Facts like: 'If you sneeze with your eyes open - they'll fall out'. Hmm. To find this out, did they give people snuff or sneezing powder, then as the poor bastard was about to sneeze, hold his eyelids open with one hand while readying the other to catch the eyeballs as they dropped? (They probably did this to Hamsters or something first!). Facts like: 'If everyone in China jumped up and down together, it would trigger a massive earthquake that would devastate the world'. Did one bloke with a loudspeaker try to co-ordinate 1/2 billion to jump at the same time? Facts like: 'Everyone in the world could stand on the Isle Of Wight at the same time'. Who would want to go there anyway - and surely it would sink? Facts like: 'The Human body can go without food for 28 days, but for only 7 days (or whatever the values are) without water'. Imagine this poor sod, starving and thirsty. He is desperate, and these scientists are saying 'Sorry pal, but in the interest of Science we cannot give you the refreshment that you desire'. He then dies, and one scientist turns to the other and says 'Yep - you were right, the body CAN only go without water for 7 days'. Facts like: 'Your large intestine can wrap around the Earth 8 (or how many times it actually can) times.' How did they work this one out. Did they quickly gut someone, hire a space shuttle and some "gripping" equipment and then proceed to "grip" one end and orbit the Earth until it snapped, whilst noting how many times they had gone round? Facts like: 'You can put your arm, up to the elbow, up a person's rectum'. Actually, they can prove this - just ask Julian Clary! And the classic 'The average length of a man's penis is six inches'. Imagine these people going around, asking blokes to whip their tackle out while they measure it. I imagine the words "Off", "Gay", "You", "F---", "Bastard" would be mentioned quite frequently if they actually tried it. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 GREETING CARDS UNSUCCESSFULLY MARKETED BY HALLMARK 1. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I got one... I got real snippy. 2. I heard you had herpes...and I feel terrible...I'd say "Get well soon"...but I know it's incurable. 3. My tire was thumping....I thought it was flat....when I looked at the tire....I found your cat... Sorry! 4. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends.... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends. 5. You've announced that you're gay, and won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one... of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. 6. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day...look at the bright side, she's a really good lay. 7. Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be...Don't fret about your wife though... She's moving in with me. 8. Your computer is dead... and it was so alive... you shouldn't have installed... Win'95. 9. You totalled your car... and can't remember why... maybe it was... that case of Bud Dry 10. So you lost your job... It's one of those hardships in life...Next time, work harder... and stay away from the boss's wife. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Hello Everyone! Here's a bit of humor from Dianne, who never sends me anything... until NOW. This is outrageous, unless you happen to be a Limbaugh fan. 8) IT'S TIME FOR A RUSH Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road. Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer. They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed hours. When he came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his employee had been there so long. "Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses," explained the driver. "What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked. The chauffeur replied, "I told him that I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 [NOTE: "LCC" == your favorite Large Computer Corporation, lest we suffer another round of flaming about the ethics of passing along jokes knocking organizations other than our own...] LCC FIELD APPLICATION NOTE: IDENTIFICATION OF RIGHT AND LEFT HAND INTRODUCTION In technical field work it is often desirable, if not necessary, to distinquish between right and left which, to some LCC field personnel, may present a problem. Examples are: components being located on the right or left, controls having to be moved to the right or left, etc. Persons having difficulties in this regard are occasionally admonished to have reference to their right or left hand, respectively; this, however, tends to be of little use if the particular person has difficulty in identification of his right and left hand. PURPOSE The purpose of this application note is to aid LCC field personnel in the correct identification of the right and left hand, with the highest probability of success and with considerable ease. Having accomplished such identification, the person will be able, by straight analogy, to transfer the directional characterization to the item(s) in question. EQUIPMENT REQUIRED Table, qty. 1 (or equivalent) Clock, qty. 1 Indelible marker, any color, qty. 1 PROCEDURE Identification of the right and left hand may be accomplished by following the procedure given here, in the indicated sequence: 1. Place the clock on the surface of the table, work-bench, or other flat, horizontal furniture or equipment surface with its face toward you. NOTE If you have trouble determining which side of the clock is the face, refer to "LCC Field Application Note: Using Clocks and Watches to Tell Time". 2. With arms parallel, or nearly parallel, place both of your hands upon the surface of the table (or work-bench) with the clock between them. NOTE It is assumed that the person in question has two hands, which is generally the case. In situations other than the one assumed, the procedure given here is not applicable. 3. Note whether the two thumbs are the two similar digits of the respective hands that are in closest relative proximity. If this is the case, step 4 may be omitted. 4. Counter-rotate the two hands in such a manner as to accomplish the criterion of step 3. * * * * * WARNING * * * * * Neither hand should be rotated more than 180 degrees. Should this appear required, rotation in the opposite direction is indicated, instead, to prevent possible injury. 5. Observe the relative position of each thumb with respect to its corresponding hand and with respect to the clock in front of you. 6. With the indelible marker, mark the hand that has the thumb closest to the "9" of the clock with a letter "R", and the hand that has the thumb closest to the "3" of the clock with the letter "L". CONCLUSION The hand bearing the "L" mark will be the right hand, and the hand bearing the "R" mark will be the left hand. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 An update from "Jargon Watch" on new lingo flowing out of the Silicon Valley and corporate jungles: "prairie dogging" - in companies where everyone has a cubicle, something happens and everyone pops up to look "beepilepsy" - afflicts those with vibrating pagers, characterized by sudden spasms, goofy facial expressions and loss of speech "blowing your buffer" - losing your train of thought "elvis year" - the peak year of popularity as in "1993 was Barney the dinosaur's elvis year "generica" - fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions, as in "we were so lost in generica that I couldn't remember what city it was" "going postal" - totally stressed out and losing it like postal employees who went on shooting rampages "high dome" - egghead, scientist, PhD "irritainment" - annoying but you can't stop watching, like the OJ trial "meatspace" - the physical world (as oppose to the virtual) also "carbon community", "facetime", "F2F", "RL" "percussive maintenance" - the fine art of whacking a device to get it working "square headed girlfriend/boyfriend" - computer "treeware" - manuals and documentation "world wide wait" - WWW 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Sanford Wallace Spams Saddam Hussein! ------------------------------------- Wallace's Cyber-Bomber program hits Saddam & lands the infamous spammer on the dictator's "death list." BAGHDAD, IRAQ- April 23, 1997 - Saddam Hussein today announced his pledge to fight terrorism, starting with "the fool who crashed my 286 with junk e-mail spam". The iron fisted leader went on to state that it took nearly five years to scavenge the countryside for stray computer parts "just to get on the net." After months of receiving busy signals from America Off Line, Saddam was finally able to negotiate (handshake) with the AOL server. He then went to download his e-mail, expecting to receive the customary AOL welcome e-mail message. But much to his dismay he was hit hard by Sanford Wallace's spam puking Cyber-Bomber Program. The attack consisted of endless copies of the exact same junk e-mails such as "Get Rich Quick", "Internet Porno Site Adverts", etc., etc.. The attack was so hard & heavy that Saddam's 120 MB hard drive simply crashed within a matter of minutes. Saddam stated that Mr. Wallace has got himself in the same predicament as Salman Rushdie, and will have nowhere to hide. Reaction amongst netizens was generally positive, and in total agreement with Saddam's decree. Sources at the Pentagon stated that Mr. Wallace will most likely be placed in the Wit-less Protection Program (funded by a new tax on all e-mails). Furthermore, Pentagon Officials were so impressed with the capabilities of the Cyber-Bomber Program, that this highly effective technology will now become property of the Department of Defense. No further details were given in regards to further research and development of junk e-mail spamming as a weapon of mass irritation. Mr. Spamford Wallace was unavailable for comment. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Six reasons computers must be female... 6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner. 5. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference. 3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 2. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as: "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you." 1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Farmer thinks his rooster is getting too old to properly take care of all the hens, so he brings in a new, young rooster. The old rooster, sensing his days are numbered, goes to young rooster and challenges Him. "Say I been taking care of these hens for a long time but I'm willing to bow out gracefully but first we'll run a race and if you can catch me the hens are all yours." So, they start racing all over the yard and the old rooster is managing to just stay out in front. All of a sudden ***WHAM*** there's a blast from a shotgun and the young rooster flops over dead. "Goddamn", the farmer says,"That's the third queer rooster I've had to shoot this month!!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 YOU MIGHT BE A GEN X'ER If... you wore anything Izod, especially those windbreakers that folded up into a pouch you could wear around your waist. you owned a Jordache pocket book (or several of them), or you remember when Jordache jeans were cool. in your fifth grade class picture, you're wearing an Izod shirt with the collar up. You were afraid of the Sleestaks on Land of the Lost. you know, by heart, the words to any "Weird" Al Yankovic song. the Brady Bunch movie brought back cool memories. you remember the first time "Space: Above and Beyond" aired - it was called "Battlestar Galactica". You ever rang someone's doorbell and said "Landshark". three words: "Atari" "IntelliVision" and "Coleco". Sound familiar? you remember the days that hooking your computer into your television wasn't an expensive option that required gadgets - it was the ONLY WAY to use your computer! you remember the days when "safe sex" meant "my parents are gone for the weekend". you remember "Friday Night Videos" before the days of MTV. you ever owned a pair of "Pop-Wheels" - that handy little combination of shoe and roller skate that lasted about a year on the open market. a predominant color in your childhood photos is "plaid". you see teenagers today wearing clothes that show up in those childhood photos, and they still look bad. while in high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play "1999" by Prince over and over again. you remember when music that was labeled "alternative" really was. you, yes you, sat down and memorized the entire lyric sheet to "It's the end of the world as we know it". you took family trips BEFORE the invention of the mini-van. You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you. you've ever conversationally used the phrase "Jane, you ignorant slut". you watched HR Puffenstuff as a child, but now that you're older, you really understand that it would have been much better had you known about drugs at the time. you've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phases: - "When I was younger" - "When I was your age" - "You know, back when..." - "Just can't (fill in the blank) like I used to" Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language. you're starting to view getting carded to buy alcohol as a GOOD thing, and you're ready to marry the next person who cards you when you want to buy cigarettes. you ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna,or Cyndi Lauper video the first time you ever kissed someone at a dance came during "Crazy for You" by Madonna. you remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the streets and made your old Big Wheel quite obsolete. the phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter. you read the "Hot Video Games Player's Secrets" guide for Mortal Kombat just so you could find the hidden screen, and play Pong again for old time's sake. (guys) your first erotic dream occurred to thoughts of Jeannie, Marsha Brady, Samantha from Bewitched or, for those hardcore comic fans out there, Daphne from Scooby Doo, Josie or any one of her Pussycats. (girls) you thought Sean Cassidy was "dreamy", lusted after "Ted, your ship's photographer" on the Love Boat and Chachi, or, to keep it fair to the comically interested, thought Fred was just a hunk on Scooby Doo. this timeline appropriately describes actual events in your life: Star Wars opens, you are still in single digit ages, and you think the creatures are WAY cool. Empire Strikes Back opens, you are now in early double digit ages, and you are convinced that the special effects much better, the characters are cool, and you want one of every collectible out there. Return of the Jedi hits the theaters...you are now a teenager and you cannot get your eyes off Princess Leia's breasts or ***Han Solo's butt.*** You fantasize forever and ever about it, and send off to join every fan club for them on the planet, hanging posters, photos, and "teen"-type magazine spreads all over your walls and lockers at school. you've ever shopped at a Banana Republic or Benetton, but not in the last five years, okay? you're starting to believe (now that it wouldn't affect YOU) that maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all. you're doing absolutely nothing with anything pertaining to your major. going to keg parties no longer involves hiding out in the woods when the cops show up. you ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon. U2 is too "popular" and "mainstream" for you now. you ever used the phrase "kiss mah grits" in conversation. you remember trying to guess the episode of the Brady Bunch from the first scene. you spent endless nights dreaming about being the Bionic Woman or Wonder Woman or the Six Million Dollar Man. you had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding (on General Hospital). you remember "Hey, let's be careful out there". your parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided it was pointless since Quincy got all the babes, anyway. you know who shot J.R. this rings a bell: "and my name, is Charlie. They work for me." You ever wanted to learn to play "Stairway to Heaven" on the guitar. You were unsure if Diet Coke would ever catch on, after all, look at Tab. You know all the words to the double album set of Grease. You ever had a Dorothy Hammill haircut. You sat with your friends on a Friday night and dialed "8-6-7-5-3-0-9" to see if Jenny would answer. "All-skate, change directions" means something to you. You owned a pair of Rainbow suspenders just like Mork used to wear. You bought a pair of Vanns and wanted to order a pizza in history class so you could be just like Jeff Spicoli in Fast Times as Ridgemont High. You owned a preppy handbook. You were too young to go see the Blue Lagoon so you just had to settle for second hand reports. You remember when there was only "G, PG and R", none of this PG-13 crap. You learned to swim about the same time Jaws came out and still carry the emotional scars to this day. Wonder twin powers, activate . . . form of a an iceberg, shape of an eagle. You remember when your cable TV box had the three rows of numbers and you had to move the selector switch accordingly. You ever actually tried to turn on a jukebox by hitting it twice and saying "heeey". 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 The First Realizations That You're Not In College Anymore You're waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed. Beers at lunch get you reprimanded. College sweatshirts are 'casual' instead of dress up. Your parents charge rent. Your parents walk in on you having sex, not your roommate. The four food groups are no longer beer, pizza, ramen and cereal. It's 'getting late' when it's 9:30 p.m. Three words: School Loan Payments. You make thousands of dollars a year - and still can't afford that dream Porsche. You start eyeing the Light Beer Section appreciatively. pickup football games mean that at least one person will be in the hospital by game's end. THEN, discussing with your friends: GPA's, phone rates and tonsil hockey; NOW: IRA's, Interest rates and their kid's orthodontia. Sleeping on the couch is a no-no. Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m. Sneakers are now 'weekend shoes'. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one. Your girlfriend being pregnant brings thought of tax deductions instead of coronaries. Jack and Cokes become Dewers on the Rocks. The only drugs you take are Tums and Tylenol. The weak single you hit in the intramural softball game is now remembered as a Varsity dinger for the League Championship. You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN Sportscenter and MTV News. Random hook-ups are no longer acceptable. You wear more ties/skirts in a week than you even owned while taking classes. You find yourself reminiscing fondly of 2-hour Calculus exams. You empathize with the characters from 'Friends". METABOLISM SLOWDOWN Football "season tickets" go FROM $75 for the season with dozens of friends TO $750 for the season with the three other guys who want to get away from the family. Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone's and Mad Dog. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time. Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food. When drinking, you say at least once per night, 'I just can't put it down the same as I used to'. You are the only person over the age of 16 in your neighborhood with a Sega. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A guy from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing he whispers, "Your Eminence, do we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....' we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church". The Pope responds saying, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed". "Well," says the Tyson man, "we are prepared to donate $1 billion to the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...." Again the Pope replies "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed". Finally, the Tyson guy says, "This is our last offer. We will donate $5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....'" and he leaves. Next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he has good news and bad news. "The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion." "The bad news is that we are losing The Wonderbread Account." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Once upon a time, a well-to-do businessman was vacationing in Paris when he stopped in to see a show. Performing that night was a stunning french (obviously) female, who caught our man's attention. Getting the waiter, he scribbled out a note asking to see her, and asked the waiter to deliver it to the performer, which the waiter did. The waiter returned a short time later with a reply note. Our man opened the note, but discovered it was written in french, which he couldn't understand. So he asked the waiter to translate it for him. The waiter took one look at the note, handed it back to the man and said, 'Sir, if you do not leave this establishment immediately, I will call the restaurant bouncer and have you thrown out!' Baffled, our man leaves the restaurant. Some days later, he returns home to his business and tells this story to his partner, showing him the note. His partner says, 'I know french; let me translate it for you.' The partner takes the note, reads it, thrusts it back at our man and says, 'That is IT! Either you buy me out or I buy you out! Our partnership is over! Get out of this office!' Shattered, our man leaves. The next day, he is in a bar, drowning his sorrows. And, as it wont to happen in bars, a nearby patron asks what his sob story is. Our man explains all that has happened regarding the note. The patron says, 'Well, I'm a disinterested party, and I know a little french. Would you like me to translate it for you?' Our man is apprehensive, but the patron insists, and he gives him the note. The patron reads the note, hands it back to the man, very calmly steps off the barstool, and punches his lights out, knocking our man unconscious on the floor. Operant conditioning prevents him from showing it to anyone else after that. After a few months, he re-establishes himself in the business community, and does very well. After about five years or so, he goes to a party and meets a lovely young lady. They start seeing each other, and after a few months, they get married. For their honeymoon, they decide to take a cruise on the Carribean. They are standing on deck at the rail, admiring the sunset. On a whim, his wife asks him what the oddest thing that ever happened to him was. He tells her the story of the note. She says to him, 'Honey, I love you, and nothing will change that. I know french, so let me read the note, I'll tell you what it says, and then we'll know, and that will be then end of it.' He explains once more that everytime he shows it to someone, they hate him for the rest of his natural life, but she insists (and as beautiful as she was, it was hard to say no). Our man pulls out his wallet, the place where he has kept the note all these years, opens it and pulls out the note. When suddenly, a little gust of wind came, and blew it into the sea. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 There is one major problem with the Cray PC. It is far too fast. Research has shown that having the computer present answers before the questions are asked causes intense psychological damage to the user, therefore it is important for most tasks to slow your Cray down to human usable speeds. Software from SlowWare Inc. can help you solve this problem. Our first package, available second quarter 1985 (not a typo, the software appeared on our disks, along with a README file explaining that our 1987 selves had written it), is the SLow lANGuage (SLANG) developement system. SLANG is a revolutionary new programming language that enables you to completely negate the Cray PC's incredibly speed. First, SLANG takes your highly structured code and preprocesses it into S-code (Spaghetti code). On an average program SLANG will increase the size of your program by 117.42% from goto statements alone! This has the added advantage of making it virtually impossible for anyone to reverse engineer your product, EVEN IF THE S-CODE IS READABLE! Other effects of SLANG are to move assignment statements inside loops and introduce several redundant statements. For added slowness the S-code is then interpreted rather than being compiled into machine language. And of course we use the most inefficient methods known to man or machine. The degree of inefficiency introduced is user controllable (within certain limits of course), and is specified by Minimum Acceptable Delay (MAD). If you need extra slowdown you can purchase our VLSS (Very Large Scale Slowness) option. This is an advanced program that scans your code, analyzes the algorithms used and attempts to replace them with less efficient algorithms, many times completely replacing them with a 'brute force' approach. VLSS also looks for bottleneck areas in your code, and narrows them even further. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Dear Mother and Dad: It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down... Okay??? Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day. Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am now taking daily. I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambtious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your expressed tolerence will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good, too for I am told that his father is an important gunbearer in the village in Africa from which he comes. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphillis and there is no schwartze in my life..... However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science.... and I wanted you to see these marks in the proper perspective Your loving daughter, XXXX 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting together on a train, and the Rabbi leans over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?" The Priest says "If I am lucky, I guess I could become a Bishop." "Well, could you get any higher than that?" asks the Rabbi. "I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I might be made an Arch Bishop" said the Priest a bit cautiously. "Is there any way that you might go higher than that?" "If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal," said the priest. "Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?" probed the Rabbi. Hesitating a little bit, the Priest said "I suppose that I could be elected Pope, but..." So the Rabbi says "And could you be anything higher than that?, Is there any way to go up from being the Pope?" "What?!!! I should be the Messiah himself!?!" The Rabbi leaned back smugly and said, "One of our boys made it." � QMPro 1.52 � 뙚 쓾� �륅 脣뤿 羚탪$, 쓾� 禎鏑 � ���뤹뙔�...$솛�! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 The Game of Romance: How to keep score !! Below are excerpts about how guys can score points (or lose them) from their gals from "The Game of Romance: How to Keep Score" from Men's Health Magazine, November, 1996, p 110-115, along with some things that are just expected of guys, therefore having a score of zero: Simple Duties You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings: +5 But return with beer: -5 You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: 0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5 You pummel it with a six iron: +10 It's her father: -10 Social Engagements You stay by her side the entire party: 0 You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy: -2 Named Tiffany: -4 Tiffany is a dancer: -6 Tiffany has implants: -8 Saturday Afternoons You visit her parents: +1 You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3 You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television: -3 And the television is off: -6 You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear: -6 And you didn't even go to college: -10 And it's not really your underwear: -15 Her Birthday You take her out to dinner: 0 You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1 Okay, it is a sports bar: -2 And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3 It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10 You give her a gift: 0 You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance: -10 You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance: +1 You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +2 You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months: +30 You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10 With her credit card: -30 And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40 Thoughtfulness You forget to pick her up at the bus station: -25 Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -35 And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50 A Night Out with Your Pals You have a few beers: -9 For every beer after three, -2 again And miss curfew by an hour: -12 You get home at 3 a.m.: -20 You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30 And not wearing any pants: -40 Is that a tattoo? -200 A Night Out, Just The Two of You You go see a comic: +2 He's crude and sexist: -2 You laugh: -5 You laugh too much: -10 She's not laughing: -15 You laugh harder: -25 Driving You lose the directions on a trip: -4 You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10 You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15 You get lost in a bad part of town & meet the locals up close & personal: -25 She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60 Communication When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression: 0 When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5 You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television or picking up a newspaper: +10 She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -10 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 OXYGEN ------ Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard. It is fatal in concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m. Humans exposed to these oxygen concentrations die within a few minutes. Symptoms resemble very much those of cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.) In higher concentration e.g. about 20%, the toxic effect is somewhat delayed and it takes about 2.5 billion inhalations before death takes place. The reason for the delay is the difference in mechanism of the toxic effect of of oxygen in 20% concentration. It apparently contributes to a complex process called aging, of which very little is known, except that it is always fatal. However, the main disadvantage of the 20% oxygen concentration is the fact that it is habit forming. The first inhalation (occurring at birth) is sufficient to make oxygen addiction permanent. After that, any considerable decrease in the daily oxygen doses results in death with symptoms resembling those of cyanide poisoning. Concentrations higher than 20% decrease the above mentioned delay. High oxygen concentration provokes in prematurely born babies placed in incubators a condition known as retrolental fibroplasia resulting in blindness. Lung irritation has been reported on experimental animals exposed for several days to high oxygen concentrations. Oxygen is an extreme fire hazard. All the fires that were reported in the continental U.S. for the period of the past 25 years were found to be due to the presence of this gas in the atmosphere surrounding the buildings in question. Oxygen is especially dangerous because it is odorless, colorless and tasteless, so that its presence cannot be readily detected until it is too late. --------------------------- Chemical & Engineering News Vol. 34 No. 6, Page 546 February 6, 1956 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 The following is supposedly taken from a Florida newspaper: A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife up righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his ankle. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 SEX:CHAPTER 1-HOW SEX BEGAN In the beginning, after He created heaven and earth and the seas and the mountains and the animals, God created man in His own image, and he named him Adam. Adam enjoyed himself for a while running around the Garden of Eden. But one day he became lonely. 'God,' he said, 'there must be more to life than chasing frogs and chewing on rocks. I need a compainion.' 'A companion?' said God: 'You got it.' And so from on of Adam's ribs God created a companion for him. 'Do you know who this is?' asked God. 'Let me guess,' said Adam. 'You made the world's first spare rib.' God gave him a rim shot and then said, 'No, dummy, this is a woman. I'll call her Bernice. Adam and Bernice. How does that sound?' 'A little too Jewish, I think,' said Adam. 'At this point,' said God, 'who cares?' But to avoid an argument, God named the first woman Eve. 'Now,' said God, 'I am going to leave you two alone and I want you to do what comes naturally.' The following morning God said to Adam, 'Well, what happened last night?' 'What do you expect to happen?' said Adam smugly, 'when a normal, healthy man and woman run through a forest naked?' 'You mean....?' said God. 'Right,' said Adam, 'We chased frogs and chewed on rocks. But we did it TOGETHER!' 'Hold it, Adam,' said God, 'there are a few things you don't understand.' And then God told Adam about the birds and the bees. The next morning God once again asked Adam how things went the previous night. 'Thanks to you, FANTASTIC!' said Adam. God smiled. 'Tell me about it.' 'Well,' said Adam, 'the moon was out, it was a beautiful night. We sat down on the grass and then.....' 'And then what?,' asked God with great anticipation. 'We chased birds and chewed on bees!,' said Adamn proudly. 'Look,' said God patiently, 'Man needs love, devotion. Something to occupy his every waking hour. I am now going to create something to give you fulfillment, something you must have to make life worth living.' 'HEY EVE!,' cried Adam, all excited. 'Did you hear that? God is going to invent Television!' But instead God invented Sex, the most wonderful, most exciting, most gratifying thing the world was to know. And Sex grew and it blossomed and it flourished. And it was the all-consuming passion of humanity. Until 1948, when Television took over. SEX:CHAPTER 2-SEX DURING THE STONE AGE (see chapter 36-How to arouse a 25-year-old suburban housewife) SEX:CHAPTER 3-SEX IN ANCIENT ROME Romans created the world's first Birth control device. It was known as 'Throwing Christrians to the Lions.' But while this device worked wonders in cutting down the Christian population, it did occasionally cause troublesome side effects...Namely, very fat lions. SEX:CHAPTER 5-SEX DURING THE MIDDLE AGES Sex in the Middle Ages was a beautiful experience that was both uplifting and poetic. On their wedding night, the knight would take the lady in his arms, whispter sofly in her ear, gently hold her closer, kiss her tenderly, and then in a fit of extreme passion, he would run out and kill a dragon. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Why the Internet Is Like a Vagina --------------------------------- The more people use it the bigger it gets. If you play with it too much you can go blind. You wouldn't believe the things people put in there! Some people think they know how to move around in it, but they really can't interface. In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to receive information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time. It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before. It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late. If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses. It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently. You think you're just playing around, but you can get involved in something that takes 9 months to finish. The part you see is actually just the front end of a very complicated system. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble. It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?" Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it spend all their time trying to access it. Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do. Some people believe in security and avoiding penetration but others believe it should be open to all comers. Both are subject to abuse by hardware dongles. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 The beautiful secretary of the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank goes to a sight-seeing tour with a very rich Taiwanese client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her; "Don't reject the guy outright." So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara." The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says "No problem!! I buy. I buy." Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France." The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build, I build." Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man, I marry to have a 12-inch penis." The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttering something in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A R E Y O U A G O O D L O V E R ? 1. When you are reaching your sexual climax, do you: (a) Make low moaning sounds in her ear. (b) Suck on her neck giving her a love bite. (c) Shove your thumb up her arse so she screams her tits off. 2. When you are in bed and she whispers, "I love you", do you: (a) Whisper back, "I love you too, darling" (b) Put your arse on her leg and fart. (c) Say, "Get to F---ing sleep, arse breath!" 3. You have just made love to your girlfriend. Do you: (a) Hold her in your arms until she falls asleep. (b) Wipe your prick on her nightie and turn over. (c) Tell the bitch to go and get in with the kids. 4. If you break wind in the night, do you: (a) Try and cough at the same time and hope she's asleep. (b) Hold her head under the covers and laugh your bollocks off. (c) Blame her and give her a forearm smash. 5. If she breaks wind in bed, do you: (a) Be a gentleman and pretend you didn't hear anything. (b) Clout the cunt. (c) Say, "Give over shitting, you dirty arsed twat!", and hoof it. 6. If she tells you she is having an unwanted baby, do you: (a) Tell her not to worry as you'll manage. (b) Belt her in the stomach with a cricket bat. (c) Bide your time. You can always shove the cunt down the stairs. 7. If you come home early and find her in bed with a negro, do you: (a) Close the door and pretend you haven't seen anything. (b) Get in bed and join in. (c) Douse them both in petrol and burn the cunts. 8. You have a toilet in your bathroom and you're bursting for a crap, but your girlfriends in the bath. Do you: (a) Go next door and use their toilet. (b) Shout, "Hurry up goat-face. The tortoise is sticking it's head out of the shell!" (c) Sit next to her making a noise like a flock of starlings taking off. 9. You want sex with your girlfriend, but she's having her period. Do you: (a) Wait until it's over. (b) Lie on your back with your arm underneath you until it goes numb. Then start wanking so that it feels like somebody else doing it. (c) Get your face in there and come up looking like one of those little men in the Ribena advert. 10. Your girlfriend says that she is leaving you for good. Do you: (a) Break down in tears and beg her to stay. (b) Put up bunting and arrange a street party. (c) Empty your right nostril on her face, kick her in the cunt and then go out and get drunk as a cunt to celebrate. H O W D I D Y O U D O ? Score 1 point for (a), 2 points for (b) and 3 points for (c) LESS THAN 15: If brains were made of cotton wool, you wouldn't have enough to make a tampon for a canary. 15-20: Must try harder. 21-30: One of the lads! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A R E Y O U G A Y ? Answer the following questions: 1) Who is your most fancied person? a) Michelle Pfeiffer b) The woman in your local travel agents c) Robbie from Take That. 2) When you have half an hour in private, what to you like to do most? a) Screw Michelle Pfeiffer b) Copy some warez c) Read a copy of women only while sitting on a plastic 30 inch penis 3) What is your favorite group? a) Anybody not mentioned below b) Anybody not mentioned below c) Take that 4) Your Most respected person is a) Claudia Scheiffer b) Your Mum c) Julian Clary 5) What have you got under your bed? a) A years supply of Men only, some videos and a few copies of The Sport Newspaper b) Some disks and a nine week old pair of socks that no-one will go anywhere near. c) The 30 inch plastic dick. Copy of women only, and a tub of vaseline. d) Julian Clary 6) What posters have got? a) Centrefolds, Dannii Minougue, that sort of thing. b) None, cars, computer games etc. c) Take That, Cliff Richard. 7) What is your favorite ware? a) Stag b) Micro Machines c) Cliff Richard Clipart Disk A N S W E R S Mainly A's: Straight, very straight, in fact, are you a ruler? Or just sex mad? Mainly B's: You're Mr average, in that at least you ain't bent. Mainly C's: Well yes. There's no other word for it. You are BENT. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Here is an epic limerick - All 28 verses! Are you sitting comfortably? Well, here we go: There was a young fellow named Fyfe, Who married the pride of his life. But imagine his pain When he struggled in vain, And just couldn't get into his wife. Now the trouble was not with our hero, Who, though no match for Epstein or Nero, Had a good little dong That was five inches long, And as stiff as a parsnip at zero. But his efforts to poke her, assiduous, Met a dense growth of hair most prodiguous. Well, he thought he might dint her By waiting till winter, But he found that she wasn't deciduous. Now here was this fellow named Fyfe, Unable to diddle his wife. Which fact, sad but true, Left him nothing to do But bugger the girl all his life. For diversion, that might have been funny, And of course, it saved him some money. But it angered our Fifey To think that his wifey Was hoarding her deep nest of honey. He went whoring to find satisfaction. But with whores, though accomplished in action, He never could capture That fine fucking rapture, For the thought of his wife was distraction. So here was our fellow named Fyfe, With a truly impervious wife. She was not worth a damn, Being closed as a clam, Why, he couldn't get in with a knife. The problem that harassed his soul, Was 'What kept him out of her hole? Was her hymen too tough? Was she stuffed up with fluff? Was her coosie the home of a mole?' This was just what poor Fyfe couldn't tell, For her prow was as sound as a bell. He'd have needed a gimlet To get into her quimlet, And it made the poor guy mad as hell. He applied to that fellow from Strensall For help from his long, pointed pencil. But Strenny's tool now Was as blunt as the prow Of a tug, he'd have needed a stencil. Fyfe searched for the chap from New York, Who had punctured the hymen like cork. But he was quite coy, For he now loved a boy, And refused to help Fyfe with the stork. Fyfe asked Durand how much he'd charge, (The fellow whose cock could contract or enlarge) To drill his way in With his prick like a pin, And there make it slowly enlarge. But Durand, though he'd fuck with no urgin', Warned, "Apart from the risk that she'll burgeon, Your pride must be low If you'll meekly forego, A crack at a genuine virgin." In the spring in the woods Fyfe did wander late, And saw couples preparing to copulate. But he could not abide The gay sight, and he cried At the thought that the pigfuckers penetrate! One couple he foolishly leapt on, To examine the wound and the weapon. One was rigid, one deep, The snug fit made him weep, And in shame and contrition he crept on. In the meantime, Fyfe's wife, who had wed With some thought to the pleasures of bed, Was becoming depressed, In fact damn near obsessed By her terribly tough maidenhead. She remarked, "When all joking is done, What I honestly want is a son. I would like impregnation If not copulation, But to wed and have neither's no fun." She grew worried and nervous and thin, Till Fyfe said, "You would jump at a pin!" And those words, though unkind, Put a thought in her mind That a pin-point perhaps might get in. Thus she thought of synthetic conception, Which at first seemed like basest deception. But her cunt was so sore From Fyfe's trying to bore, That she gave the thought better reception. And indeed, though it's sad to relate it, Her first fuck was so sadly belated, That a poke by a pin, Though ever so thin, Was a prospect that made her elated. To be brief, the great action was done. There was artfully planted, a son; Through a bodkin that filled her, And wonderfully thrilled her, More fun than a son of a gun! This syringe, which was long but quite thin, Left a hole that Fyfe couldn't get in. But he kept right on busting And jousting and thrusting, On account of his excess of vim. While she mused on this synthetic screw, The sperm got well-planted, and grew, And the great day approached When her breech would be broached, But Fyfe, the poor wretch, never knew. One night in sheer desperation, He prodded and poked like tarnation. His wife groaned in pain. She gave way!! Would he gain The goal of three years contemplation? The head of his dingus went in! He felt sure he was going to win! He thrust like a demon, He spillt all his semen, And scraped off a square inch of skin. But despite all his trying, he found He was losing, not gaining, his ground. Though he clung to her thighs While he tried for the prize, Each push in caused a greater rebound. The harder the poor fellow tried, The more her hold filled, from inside. 'Till he fell back quite spent, His prick battered and bent, And a few minutes later, he died. As he passed, a new life was begun, And his tomb tells how he was undone. "Shed a tear for poor Fyfe, His imperforate wife Did him in with the aid of their son." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 How to have fun at the expense of others: 1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies. 2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage." 3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. 5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. 6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." 7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." 8. Practice making fax and modem noises. 9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss. 10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. 11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy." 12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. 13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room. 14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. 15. Adjust the background color on your email so that all your email correspondence is in green, and insist to others that you "like it that way." 16. Staple papers in the middle of the page. 17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise. 18. Honk and wave to strangers. 19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register. 20. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.. 21. type only in lowercase. 22. dont use any punctuation either 23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. 24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." 25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. 26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat. 27. Ask people what gender they are. 28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. 29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 30. Sing along at the opera. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby. The doctor walks in and Michael asks, "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?" The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A R E Y O U A V A M P I R E ? As Dracula was going to be THE BIG film for 1993 it seems only fit that we have a quiz to see if there are any real life neck biters out there. Answer the questions and find out! Q: HOW OLD ARE YOU? A: 15 - 20 years B: 20 - 40 years C: 300 - 700 years Q: YOUR MUM OPENS YOUR CURTAINS IN THE MORNING, WHAT DO YOU TURN INTO? A: A sulky twat determined to get more sleep B: A bleary eyed person who has to get up C: Dust Q: WHERE DO YOU DRINK? A: The local pub B: Local social club C: The local virgins neck Q: IS YOU IDEAL WOMAN? A: Intelligent with a sense of humour B: A bimbo in a nightclub C: A hypnotised virgin in a cemetery Q: WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE DRINK? A: Beer on draught B: Wine C: Plasma on neck Q: WHAT'S YOUR NAME SPELT BACKWARDS? A: Etep B: Yrag C: Alucard Q: LOOKING IN THE MIRROR WHAT DO YOU SEE? A: A pretty fit and healthy person B: A physical wreck C: Nothing. Q: WHO IS YOUR FAVOURITE SNOOKER PLAYER? A: Steve Davis B: John Parrot C: Ray Readon S O A R E Y O U A V A M P I R E ? MOSTLY A's: No! Bonny Langford is more of a vampire than you! MOSTLY B's: Although you stay out late at night and look a little pale you've got nothing to worry about. MOSTLY C's: Get back you fiend! Hisss Hisss, Alucard! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A L I T T L E B E D - T I M E S T O R Y So the other day, a friend of mine who doesn't know much about computers calls me up and says he's been having problems with his IBM clone. Well, truth be told I don't know much about 'em myself, I'd heard you can pick up certain diseases just looking at some of 'em. But being a generally kind-hearted (well, Okay, there are some dissenters) sort of guy, I agreed to go over to his place and have a look. After all, he said the thing wouldn't even turn on, and I figured well, how hard can it be, sounds like a power problem to me. So, I head over to his place and when I get there, the damn machine's not even a clone! I look at the thing and right across the front, it says Macinslop. He just shrugs his shoulders like he's in another time zone or something, so I forge ahead anyway. I mean after all, I did own a Crapple II back in '79 when they first came out, how much different could this one be? It was a low profile unit (a Macinslop Crassic I think it was called), and at first I wondered how they had fit their standard vertical hamster wheel in such a diminutive case. I soon found out however, when I popped the thing open- they were now using horses! Little ones! Like miniature horses only smaller. I now realized what Crapple had been working on all these years, They were breeding horses the size of mice! Sure the horses were smaller than the hamsters, but there were six little horses instead of just one larger hamster. They were arranged in a circle, with little harnesses and yokes that rotated a central column that they walked around. It was pure genius! Crapple was forgoing all the usual advances in technology, but was 13 years ahead in the miniaturization game! The little horsies looed tired, almost on the verge of starvation, and I asked my friend if he'd fed them. He just returned my question with a blank stare. (Not surprising really, he being the typical Crapple customer.) I said "What do you think that slot in the front of the case is for?" To which he muttered, "I thought that's where you put the floppies." I laughed incredulously, "Floppies! That's the feed trough, mate! Floppies?! You Think Crapple's had time for developing that kind of technology! They've had their hands full just shrinking the horsies." I didn't have the heart to tell him that although there was no floppy drive support as of yet, there was a 1/4 tape jack in the in the back for use with a cassette recorder. I just figured he'd be content to type in programs each time he wanted to use them. Anyhow, to make a long story a little longer, We got the horses fed, and bedded down for the night, with a warning to my friend to give the little fellas a couple days to recuperate, and I was on my way. All the way home though, I kept thinking to myself, Crapple's gonna have the notebook market cornered, man. I went to sleep that night just thinking to myself, no wonder IBM hasn't put out an GOOD notebook computer, they've spent all their time developing new chip architecture, and trying to produce the world's fastest and most versatile home computer, relying on things like bulky DC power supplies, while the whole time Crapple's been on the leading edge of miniaturization. I can only guess at Crapple's next move - maybe a Personal Digital Assistant powered by newts, maybe called Newton? 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 TEN ABSOLUTELY VITAL THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT TAKING A BATH - Spiders can run round the bath faster than you can. - When you leave a bath to run by itself, the plug jumps just as you leave the bathroom and you return to an empty bath just as the hot water runs out. - If you run a bath too hot you don't realize this until you sit in the other end and burn your arse. - It is physically impossible to turn a tap on or off with your foot. - When you lie back in the bath, your right foot slips forward until it is positioned exactly beneath the dripping tap. - The odd flannel you are using to wash yourself is not a flannel at all; it is a sock which has fallen from above. - The dirt you wash off yourself gathers on the surface of the water and then re-attaches itself to you as you rise to leave. - Lost soap is always behind you. - When you get out of the bath, the first bit you dry is the one bit you just realized you forgot to wash. - However hard you dry yourself, you are still wet when you put your clothes on. - One more thing I thought I'd add, you know that odd soap that your using, well its not really soap. Its the massive turd that the your Mum did and forgot to take out and serve for Sunday lunch! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 W H Y A B B S I S B E T T E R T H A N A W O M A N 1) You don't need a condom to enter a BBS. 2) A BBS doesn't have any tiresome relatives that have to be visited at Christmas. 3) A BBS always smells fresh and clean and not at all fishy. 4) A BBS is always ready for an Upload. 5) A BBS won't nag you for being completely pissed out of your skull. 6) A BBS doesn't have underarm hair. 7) A BBS will never grow a moustache, no matter how old it gets. 8) A BBS doesn't have any hair at all, actually. 9) You can leave a BBS for days and it will still talk to you afterwards. 10) You can talk to other BBS and your usual BBS wont get jealous. 11) If a BBS annoys you, you can logoff any time you like. 12) A BBS looks as good in the morning as it does any other time. 13) Not only will a BBS orally stimulate you, but it will even swallow your warez. 14) A BBS can always be found in the same place. 15) A BBS doesn't care if you fall asleep in the middle of an upload. 16) A BBS doesn't get totally bitchy every month. 17) Very rarely will you wake up in the middle of the night and find that a BBS has pulled all the sheets off you. 18) A BBS hardly ever goes insane. 19) A BBS will almost never cut off your penis with a pair of rusty scissors if it finds out you've been uploading to another BBS. 20) If you decide to permanently separate from a BBS, it won't take legal action and obtain your money, car, house, kids and dog. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 100 reasons why Kirk's better than Picard: 100. Kirk is a leader, not a follower. 99. Kirk never really got into that kinky "Jumpsuit" look. 98. Kirk has sex more than once a season. 97. One Word: Hair. 96. Another Word: Pretty-good-looking-can't-see-the-weave-WIG. 95. Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed. 94. Picard is a French man with an English accent. 93. Kirk would date Beverly Crusher -- and damn the consequences!! 92. Kirk never drinks tea. Ever. 91. Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk. 90. Kirk would personally throw Wesley off his bridge. 89. Two words: Shoulder Roll. 88. Kirk doesn't wear dresses when admirals arrive for lunch . 87. Kirk once said: "I've got a belly-ache -- and it's a beauty." 86. Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis. 85. Kirk can almost drive a stick shift. 84. Kirk, almost single-handedly, re-populated the Earth's whale population. 83. Kirk says "Prime Directive? What Prime Directive?" 82. Kirk knows 20th Century curses. 81. Kirk was NEVER infiltrated by the Borg and used against the Federation. 80. Kirk ate little coloured cubes and still remained relatively healthy. 79. Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology. 78. Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain a tactical advantage. 77. Kirk wasn't shy about taking his shirt off --even around those pesky Yeomans. 76. Kirk would never waste a holodeck on something stupid like Dixon Hill. 75. Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt. 74. One Word: Velour. 73. Kirk can beat a Vulcan at Chess. 72. When Kirk was Picard's age, he retired from Admiral and took to climbing rocks. 71. When Picard was 37, he was only Captain of the lowly freighter, Stargazer. When Kirk was 37, he was Captain of the flagship Enterprise. 70. Kirk liked a good belt of liquor every now and again. 69. One Word: Iman. 68. Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt. 67. If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he would rip off its head and shit down its neck. 66. Kirk says "Shoot first and wait for retaliation." 65. Kirk's first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge. 64. Kirk never leaves the room to bawl somebody out. 63. Kirk doesn't rely on the wisdom of some dumb old janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes. 62. Two Words: Funky Sideburns. 61. Kirk never asks his bartender for advice. 60. Kirk never once said "Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!" 59. Kirk is not politically correct. 58. Kirk never got "dumped" by a woman for an intergalactic busy body named after a letter of the alphabet. 57. Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest. 56. If there was ever a Klingon on Kirk's bridge, Kirk would likely be dead. 55. Ever hear of a bar shooter called "Make it so?" No? How about a "Beam me up Scotty" then? See the difference? 54. One Word: Miniskirts. 53. Kirk's girlfriends always look good in soft light. 52. Kirk never went anywhere without a whole bunch of guys in red shirts. 51. Kirk's first officer didn't play some wimpy instrument like the trombone. 50. Kirk had more dates than his first officer. 49. The extent of Kirk's knowledge of Klingon vocabulary can be roughly translated as "GO F*CK YOURSELF." 48. If something doesn't speak English -- it's toast. 47. Kirk wasn't some prissy archaeology fan. 46. Picard's middle name isn't tough or awe-inspiring like Tiberius is. 45. If Kirk finds a strange spinning probe, he blows it up. 44. Picard never met Joan Collins. 43. Picard flunked his entrance exams to Starfleet. 42 Picard hasn't fathered any children; Kirk -- probably millions. 41. Kirk has a cool phaser -- not some pansy Braun mix-master. 40. Two Words: Line Delivery. 39. Picard grew up on a quaint little French vineyard, squishing grapes with his toes, while Kirk slung bails of wheat and hay in Iowa to put himself through school. 38. Kirk emphasizes his orations with pertinent hand gestures. 37. Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulphur, potassium nitrate, charcoal and then fired diamonds into the hearts of his enemies. (Need we say more?) 36. Kirk is not put off by green skin. 35. Kirk knows how to deal with peace loving hippy goofs. 34. Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won. 33. Kirk barely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he asks Spock only. 32. Kirk doesn't let the doctor tell him what to do. 31. One Word: Fisticuffs. 30. Kirk's name is hated throughout the galaxy. 29. Kirk appreciates Shakespeare, but he doesn't let it show. 28. You can never lock up Kirk for very long. 27. Kirk's eulogies can actually make you cry. 26. Kirk plays god with lesser cultures, and then exploits them for resources. 25. Kirk's son would never drop out to become a musician. 24. Kirk can climb up a Jeffries Tube and fix anything. 23. Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses. 22. The Klingons didn't have a word for surrender -- until they met Kirk. 21. Kirk's bridge is not beige. 20. Two Words: Crane Shots. 19. Picard likes wimpy violin music -- and coerces Data into playing it. 18. Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really cute things, like Tribbles. 17. Kirk is a cultural icon -- Picard is just some guy who's really nice. 16. Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LA-Z-BOY for the bridge. 15. Kirk would never touch SYNTHAHOL. 14. Kirk looks distinguished in reading glasses -- and nobody dares to call him"four eyes." 13. Kirk can infiltrate Gangsters, Nazis, and even the Pentagon -- easily. 12. Picard likes painting nudes, for art's sake. 11. When Kirk doesn't trust the Romulans, he fires at them. When Picard doesn't trust the Romulans, he gets fired at. 10. Kirk never once, ever, wore a wiener wrapping Speedo banana hammock on shore leave. 9. Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply acting ensign. 8. Kirk doesn't test the engines -- he just fires them up. 7. When Kirk says "Boldly Go," he MEANS it. 6. Three Words: Flying Leg Kick 5. Picard's crew would never ever think of him as a sexual object. 4. Kirk traveled through The Great Barrier, met God, and wasn't even impressed. 3. Kirk's bedroom is a passion pit with electric sheets. 2. Kirk would never let his Chief of Security wear a ponytail. 1. One Word: Balls 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 The Bill of No Rights We, the sensible of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional, and other liberal, commie, pinko bedwetters. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights. ARTICLE I You do not have the right to a new car, big-screen color TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything. ARTICLE II You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be. ARTICLE III You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all of your relatives independently wealthy. ARTICLE IV You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes. ARTICLE V You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care. ARTICLE VI You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and kill you. ARTICLE VII You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure. ARTICLE VIII You do not have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat. ARTICLE IX You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities in education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful. ARTICLE X You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness -- which, by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those around you who were confused by the Bill of Rights. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 T H I N G S T O D O W H E N Y O U ' R E B O R E D P H O N E S T U F F Call some hacker friends and tell them to call you back in an hour, because you think you're going to be busted. Forward your calls to the police department. Call a sweep tone or similar obnoxious number, then call people at random with three-way. Ask to use your neighbor's phone. Call 911 and put the phone down. Leave. Call Kentucky Fried Chicken and ask "Do you have extra crispy breasts?" Look up "Mary Stewart" or something in the phone book. Call this number and ask for Mary. If they say "she's not here", yell "Well where the hell IS that bitch?" S I B L I N G M E A N N E S S If you have at least two (younger) brothers or sisters, wait until they go to bed, then move them to each other's beds. If you have just one little brother or sister, put s/he in the bathtub. M A L L S H I T Drive down to your local mall and... Go into a toy or hobby store and ask to demo a nice powerful remote-control car. Stand at the entrance of the hobby store and ram the car into shoppers. At the same store, play with one of those robots where whatever you say into the handset is echoed through the robot's speaker. Hide somewhere within the store and position the robot at the front of the store. Proposition women who walk by. Still at the mall, light off an M-80 and yell "Look out, he's got a gun!" Go up to some pay-phones. Place a collect call to the phone next to you. Go into a Fredrick's or other large lingerie store. Pretend you're looking for something to buy for your girlfriend. Pick up a pair of crotchless panties (or a similar item) and ask them to model it for you. Have them model stuff all night, or until they catch on that you're not going to buy anything. Bring a porno movie. Go into Video Concepts and play it on the 40" projection TV that's in front of the store. Go to Mrs. Field's Cookies, buy a dozen large, flat cookies. Go back to Video Concepts and put them in the CD players. Go to Macy's, or Emporium Capwells, etc. and knock the lingerie off the dummies. On the female mannequins that are completely dressed, open the blouses to the waists. Go to Brennan's or Matthew's and ask the salesmen if they know they have 200 watt amps hooked up to 100 watt capacity speakers. Bring some crutches. Take off your shoe. Walk around with the crutches, keeping your leg stiff. Make someone think they bumped into you. Fall over and scream in pain. Stand around a part of the mall where a lot of people walk by. Tell them "Your sock's untied." Go to the mall's pet store. Put powdered Jello in the fish tanks. Bring some condoms (fresh or used) and casually drop them into shopper's bags. Or, leaving them on the floor is fine. Go to B. Dalton or Waldenbooks. Pick up some issues of Penthouse. Relocate them among the children's books. Go to the cutlery store and ask them if they have 4-foot ninja blades. Make up some signs that say "Please Use Other Door" and put them everywhere. Bring your own blank price tags and a pen... O T H E R S T U F F Go through the Burger King drive-through. Order about twenty dollars worth of Whoppers, Fries, Drinks, etc. When she says "will that be all for you?", say "oh yeah, I'd like some Chicken McNuggets, too...". When she says "I'm sorry, we don't have those..." etc., tell her to forget it and drive off. Get a suction dart gun. Shoot darts at your cat. Put yellow dye in the swimming pool. Chocolate syrup is also interesting. Shoot darts at the TV. Get your dad's staple gun out of the garage. Take it down to Safeway and put staples in the bread. Slap "KKK and Proud" bumber stickers on your neighbours cars. If your neighbor has a "Le Car", pop a tire and write "Le Flat" above it. Grab a can of metallic purple spray paint and go at your neighbors citrus tree. Go down to Main Street. Bring some chalk and draw silhouettes of bodies on the sidewalk. A little fake blood can be added for realism. Draw a silhouette of a gun. Buy some Wondra hand lotion (which is off-white) and put it on doorknobs, gas pump handles, etc. Walk to your local gas station late at night. Re-arrange the metal numbers on the price signs. Go to a church and rearrange the letters on the marquee. Remember that GOD anagrams into DOG. If there is a sign saying "Christmas Dinner" take out the "m". Make a water-based dye. Paint your dog polka-dotted (Don't do this to your cat because he will lick off the dye and get very sick). Use a little bleach and give your dog some vertical stripes. Go out to the country and push cows over (This is really fun.). Throw a rubber 4-square ball off a freeway overpass. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple martini. Thirty seconds later a lady walks in and ordered a triple martini. The bartender says "Wow! Two back-to-back triple martini's!! Are you celebrating anything??" She says "Yes, for ten years, I've been trying to get pregnant and this morning I left the doctors office and he said I was pregnant!" The bartender looks at the guy and says "Are you celebrating anything?" And the guy says "Yes. I breed peacocks. And for ten years, I've been trying to breed a peacock with blue eyes. I walked out from the birdhouse this morning and there was a beautiful, blue-eyed peacock!!" The bartender says "Congratulations!! How'd ja do it??" He said "I changed cocks." She said "That's how I got pregnant!!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Y O U R G U I D E T O L O U D M O U T H E D B A S T A R D S O N A B U S So you get on the bus after a hard day at college: your head is pounding, your eyes are weary after spending most of the day looking at a computer screen, you want to get home and EAT! But will your bus journey be quiet, peaceful and trouble free? Don`t count on it! You can safely assume that when you are tired there will be some loudmouthed bunch of 14-16 year old bastards mouthing off, shouting, fighting and generally pissing you off. To these people a bus is not a way to get from A to B, it is merely an extension of the play ground and other passengers upon this bus are there to be abused and annoyed. So lets kick off with a brief description of these people. * They will have very short cropped hair with a stud earring in one of their ears. * Each kid will have a mouth big enough to swallow the bus and will be using it to it`s full noise producing potential. The conversation between these people will start off with a brief description of last nights events... "Oi, Billy I had 20 pints last night." This translates as... "Oi, Billy I had half a pint of lager off my big brother and promptly threw up all over the bathroom floor." As you can see the line between reality and total bullshit with these people is wafer thin and more often than not the conversation will consist of total fabrication (Sounds like the West Midlands Serious Crime Squad!!). "Hey I gave Sarah a good hard shagging last night!" Translation. "Hey I tried to give Sarah a peck on the cheek last night and she told me to go fuck spiders." "I had a really good trip last night and I was spaced out maaan!" Translation. "What's a trip? I heard someone mention it on the TV last night and I thought it would make me look right tough if I said it!" After this kind of bullshit has been going on for about 10 minutes they will start to look around the bus for a suitable target to annoy. Once a target has been found (Hopefully it`s not you otherwise violence may be needed to resolve the situation!!) the mouthy cunts will begin to chew up their bus tickets and throw them at someone. To everyone else on the bus this will seem to be highly immature, but to these bastards it will be the funniest thing that has ever happened. OOPS, looks like they have picked on the wrong person!! When their victim turns round to see who is throwing bits of bus ticket at them, the mouthy cunts will immediately shut up and try to look as angelic as possible, however this will not fool a trained expert in the art of detecting mouthy bastards, after they have been threatened they will not cause any more trouble. Of course to prove how hard they are they will give their victim the fingers as soon as he gets off the bus (Jeez how hard!). 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL by Peggy Althoff 1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth. 2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa. 3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger. 4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.) 5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well. 6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair. 7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry. 8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops! 9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos. 10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor. 11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant. 12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge. 13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.) 14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man-or woman. 15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon. 16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done. 17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours). 18. Take two aspirins and lie down. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences a repeat performance. The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again. The hooker is amazed at this sequence. During the fifth encounter, she decides to try it herself. So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed, ... and ..... finds 4 Chinese men. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 C L E R G Y A B U S E S E M I N A R N O T E S By Constantine Notes on the 48th Annual Clergy Abuse Seminar Vatican City, Las Vegas "The Most Pious Little Fleshpot North of Tijuana" [This was reconstructed from the cocktail-napkin scrawlings of the staff after the three-day Clergy Abuse seminar and the subsequent 5-day hangover and 12-week Betty Ford recovery period. We present it in the hope that it aids our little nun-beating friends everywhere.] I. Motivations for the Nun-Beating Habit 1. Fun 2. Personal Gain a. Thieves b. Habit Collectors c. Rosicrucians 3. Revenge for a. Crusades b. Inquisition c. Elementary School d. Great penguin massacre of the Falkland Islands 4. Exercise (see following outline) 5. Jealousy a. Men who are jealous of women who steal their men b. Freud's theory of "Habit Envy" 6. Fashion Statement a. The "abusive" look of the 90's b. Black and white clash - need some red 7. Free Will 8. Manipulation by Evil Forces a. Satan b. Jehovas Witnesses c. Jeremy Beadle 9. Fight the capitalist/papist monopoly of the global ruler market. 10. Because of rising apathy in the Caucasian suburbs combined with the effects of youth gangs and unemployment, culminating in unprecedented violence directed at authority figures such as nuns, priests and certain shopping mall security goons. II. Favourite Nun-Beating Sights 1. The Nun Arena and other convents. 2. The Pope's bedroom. 3. The basement of Moody Bible College (Don't miss the cockfights and male strippers there, on alternating Sunday nights!) 4. Sister Cities 5. Inaugural Ball 6. An NBA Rally 7. Guido's front porch 8. Other areas fully sanctioned by the WNBF (World Nun-Beating Federation) III. Nun-Beating influenced by Heavy Metal Lyrics 1. The Dead Nuns song "Kill Them Nuns Dead" 2. The Bad Habits song "I Was a Teenage Nun-Beater" 3. The Clerigal Genocide song "Frock You!" 4. Any song by Twisted Sister 5. Soundtrack from "Sister Act" a. Whoopie just CAN NOT SING b. They stole the 'habit' pun from NBA 6. Gregorian Chant - Its not just for monks any more IV. Tools for a Routine Nun-Beating Expedition 1. Running shoes 2. Nightsticks 3. K-RaD ninja outfits or fatigues 4. A lasso 5. Marshall, Will and Holly 6. Barry Manilow 8-track library 7. Battering ram 8. Gatling gun 9. Cane with the word "Mexico" carved into it 10. Sisters of Mercy tape collection 11. VCL 2.0 12. A rubber chicken 13. Groucho Marx glasses 14. A rubber chicken 15. A rubber chicken 16. A rubber chicken V. What to Do When Caught Nun-Beating 1. Claim temporary sanity 2. Say Jimmy Swaggart made you do it 3. Say it was a dare 4. Confess to killing JFK- they'll forget the lesser charge. 5. Produce Jimmy Hoffa 6. Demand to call your lawyer, then demand they find you a lawyer to call, then demand they negotiate with the lawyer to get you out of your contract and find a better lawyer and so on. 7. Ask for forgiveness from the good catholic 8. Tell the arresting officers that their shoes are untied, then run REAL FAST. 9. Do the Watusi 10. Say twelve Hail Marys and three Rosaries VI. Nun-Beating as a Hobby and Popular Sport 1. Its great exercise a. Anaerobic Beating - using a cane b. Aerobic Beating - using your bare fists c. Thighmasters for nuns d. Soloflex for nuns 2. Releases tension 3. Something to do on a Sunday night when there's no cockfighting or strippers at Moody Bible. 4. Annoys your parents 5. Really annoys the nuns 6. Get in shape for Olympics 7. Its more fun than trading warez 8. Unlike warez trading, you can feel good about yourself afterwards. 9. Off-Track Beating - Illegal or Tax-Deductable? VII. Little Known Facts about Nun-Beating 1. Biggest Nun-Arena: The Habitdome in Clergyland, USA 2. Frowned upon by the Catholic Church 3. Its easy to get a license 4. The job opportunities are endless 5. Its legal in 49 states (sorry, Tennessee) 6. First case diagnosed in 1986, in a Bloom County Cartoon 7. Your enrolment in NBA is covered by most major medical insurance Remember, admitting you have a problem is the first step towards making fun of the problems of other people. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which was sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success" she said. No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success" she said. "Well", thought the man, "might as well carry on. On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success" she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success" she flirted. Unable to imagine what else could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head. "Who are you?" the man asked. "Hello" said the ugly fat man said, "my name's Cess!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 TOP 18 SIGNS YOU'VE HIRED THE WRONG CLOWN 18. By the end of the party, he's got every damn kid doing the "pull my finger" trick. 17. Clown car must be started with breathalyzer device. 16. Keeps screaming, "My name's not BO-zo, it's bo-ZO!" 15. References to Kierkegaard and Nietzsche are lost on most 5 year olds. 14. Props for his "disappearing trick:" a moving van and your big-screen TV. 13. Scares the holy hell outta kids during the "Severed Limb" trick. 12. Tells the kids he killed Barney in a blood match in Newark. 11. Didn't bring any balloons, but manages to twist your dachshund into other animal shapes. 10. Prefaces each trick with, "here's a little number I learned in the joint". 9. Not exactly the Peewee Herman impression you were expecting. 8. Wears a T-shirt that says, "Drug-free since March!" 7. More interested in squirting seltzer into his Scotch than into his pants. 6. Those huge ears look too darn life-like, and the entire act consists of showing charts and complaining about the deficit. 5. A sad clown is one thing---a clown who spends the entire party with a gun to his temple is another thing entirely. 4. The only balloon animals he can make are a snake and a "snake on acid." 3. Business cards include the phrase "From the mind of Stephen King." 2. Price list includes "lap dance" and "around the world." ..and the Number 1 Sign You've Hired the Wrong Clown for Your Child's Party.. 1. All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 T H E C O M M S D R U G I remember when I first got my modem, Wow, I could log on to any of the BBS's in the world, the world was mine, as I am sure you know when you first start logging on to the private BBS's you think that you are so cool and that no one can beat you, you log on to all the BBS's asking to become a co-sysop or have great access, You then log on to as many BBS's as you possibly can, taking the numbers of all the Good BBS's in the world and soon you have access to about 20 BBS's with ratios of about 1:3. well now you are really rolling! You spend all day on the BBS's trying to upload things that you have had for a week and the BBS has had for about a month, you get some credits, you download some of the latest send it up to another BBS and gain credits there, You keep doing this until you have great credits and kewl access to about 10 BBS's. Then the sysop finds out that that first file you uploaded the day before is a rename and a fake he nukes all your credits and this is how it goes. After a while you began to get fed up with it and just stick to a few BBS's that you have had no credits nuked on, you gain access and then one day, something magic happens, you become a Co-Sysop, you find it hard to contain yourself and you go about uploading as much as possible. Then one day the dreaded happens, your phone bill arrives, you wonder why it has been folded over 3 times to get it into the letter box, Then to you horror you open it only to find that every call you made has been recorded and you rustle through all the paper to get to the last page, you take a deep breath, you look to the bottom of the paper and there looking you right in the face is a figure on the lines of about 6-7 hundred quid, that is last the scene hears from you and you have to sell the modem to pay the phone bill. My advise to people just starting in the modem scene, find out the name and number of a good BBS and phone it, get access and then pay the sysop to let you download all the latest files, you will need only to log on once every day and then you can start uploading to a second BBS which is not as fast as the one you are paying for access on, soon the BBS will be quite fast and you will get all the credit for it. When you have enough credits you can find a group to join and be a trader for them, some BBS's called Distribution sites will pay the group for you to upload all the latest software and then pay for your access to the BBS you have payed for and then pay some of your phone bill, you then only need ever phone 3 BBS's and you might even make some money out of it! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 The Top 16 Signs You Won't Beat a Computer at Chess 16> Let's just say that in the movie version of your life, you'd be played by Pauly Shore. 15> Your idea of "conquering Deep Blue" involves employing your gastro-intestinal system to attack the Tidy Bowl man. 14> The computer: A highly sophisticated electronic brain from IBM. You: A highly intoxicated electrician from NJ. 13> Before moving your queen, you insist on consulting Eddie Murphy. 12> Computer: lauded by scientists for its ability to calculate millions of chess moves per minute. You: lauded by fraternity buddies for your ability to pass gas and burp simultaneously. 11> You can't make a single move without thinking of huge juicy shrimp. 10> In your circle, "castling" means holing-up in your trailer with an AK-47 and a bottle of bourbon. 9> Your "garlic breath" strategy fails to intimidate this particular opponent. 8> Your populist leanings always result in you inciting your pawns to wipe out their own king and queen. 7> Kasparov's idol: Bobby Fisher. Your idol: Eddie Fisher. 6> The press has nicknamed you "Deep Doo." 5> You plan to use the "James T. Kirk Strategy" -- talk the computer into blowing itself up. 4> Video tapes of you shouting at the ATM are legendary among the bank security staff. 3> Computer: Intel Inside. You: Imbecile Inside. 2> After your move, you slap the computer monitor and shout, "King me, Pentium-breath!" and the Number 1 Sign You Won't Beat a Computer at Chess... 1> You counter *every* move with a "Smirnoff opening." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 "Psychologists at the University of Texas have come up with a Cheater's Check List. They say the findings reveal personality traits that identify whether your spouse is likely to be an adulterer. The research indicates your partner is probably cheating if they interrupt conversation, are often late for dinner or has a penis." (This Hour has 22 Minutes) 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Well, my friend Rod and I were bored and we came up with a few more "gasm"s: Sex in A Hot Rod - Four-On-The-Floor-gasm Sex with A Maid - Chore-gasm Sex with A Historian - Lore-gasm Sex with A Longshoreman - Steveador-gasm Sex with An Army Signalman - Semaphore-gasm Sex in A Thrifty Mart - Convenience Store-gasm Sex on the Set of A Bad Fox Summer Series that has been Canceled - Roar-gasm Sex with Someone You Can't Stand - Abhor-gasm 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Two lovers interested in spiritualism and reincarnation vowed that if either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their dying. As luck would have it, a few weeks later the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At a seance, she called out, "John, dear John; this is Martha. Do you hear me, John?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes, Martha, this is John; I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh, John, what's it like where you are?" "It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time." "What do you do all day?" "Well, Martha, we are up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, then it's nothing but sex until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then we have sex again until five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep around 11 p.m." Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what Heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in Heaven, Martha." "Then, where are you?" "I'm a jack rabbit in Arizona!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 One misty Scottish morning a man was driving through the hills to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander stepped into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four and has the appearance of a walking wardrobe. He has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle. At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful - slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair....... heart stopping. The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham. "Right, you Jimmy," he shouts, "Ah want you to masturbate!" "But......" stammers the driver. "Du it now...or I'll bluddy kill yu!" So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside this doesn't take him long. "Right!" snarls the Highlander "Du it agin!" "But....." says the driver. "Now!" So the driver does it again. "Right laddie, du it agin!" demands the Highlander. This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, has violent knob-ache, his sight is failing (as promised for years by his priest) and despite the cold wind has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand. "Du it again!" says the Highlander. "I can't do it anymore - you'll just have to kill me!" whimpers the man. The Highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside. "All right laddie." he says, "NOW, can you give ma daughter a lift to Inverness?" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it." "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!!!!!!!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed - I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning John, came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" 'Nope. I shut him up in no time!" "How'd you manage that?" "He was already in bed, snoring away when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, Beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before heading to town to do some business. "That fellow from Sematol will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows. I've hung a nail by the right stall so's you know which one I want him to impregnate." Satisfied that even his mentally challenged wife could understand the instructions, the farmer left for town. That afternoon, the "Inseminator" arrives, and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail. "There's the nail so this is the cow right here." she tells him. "What's the nail for?" the guy asks. Replies the wife, "I guess its to hang up your pants." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 SUBJ: AT&T Customer Service Memorandum Please stop submitting complaints. This is our system. We designed it, we built it, and we use it more than you do. Forget about your silly problem; instead, let's take a look at some of the *features* of your AT&T computer system: * Options We've got lots of them. So many in fact, that you would need two strong people to carry around the documentation if we had bothered to write it. So many that even we don't know what most of them do. If you don't like it, call Technologies. They'll tell you to see Figure 1. * Integrated Voice and Data What the heck is integrated voice and data? All it means is that you can talk on the phone while you are typing on your terminal. So what if the terminal and the phone aren't integrated; that's not what we advertise. Besides, you probably can't even walk and chew gum at the same time, much less talk and type. If you can, see Figure 1. * Unix We invented it; it's perfect, and we're the only ones who do it right. We're so happy with it, we put it on every kind of computer we make. If you want a computer with a stable file system, get a VAX. Another thing: Those nerds from Berkeley are just troublemaking hackers who have a productivity complex. They took our operating system and made it useful, so we told them to see Figure 1. * Applications Software We give you MS-word; what else do you want? So what if it is a clumsy port from another operating system, it works doesn't it? Well, okay, it sort of works. If you want applications software, get a Macintosh. We spoke with our applications software people about this, and they think a lot like we do; they said "see Figure 1." * Shells We have two shells; one we sell and one we use. The Bourne shell is plenty good for trivial little hacks, which is all you do anyway. Don't ask for the Korn shell either. It's great, everybody at AT&T has a copy, but we won't give it to you. Besides, if you want to do anything important, write it in C. We told our shell programmers to see Figure 1 a long time ago. * The C Programming Language We like it so much we named a book after it. You can do anything our machines can do, which is not very much. Where else can you put so much unreadable code in such a small space? Besides, you probably should be programming in the shell anyway; C is too hard for you. We've already told all our C programmers to see Figure 1. * Support We have thousands of service people out there, but most of them are busy. If your computer breaks, you will just have to wait. Our techs are rehashed phone installers, so don't expect them to be very helpful unless it involves tip and ring. If you need real support, see Figure 1. In conclusion, stuff your complaint. Love your AT&T computer or leave it, but don't complain to us. We don't care. We don't have to. We're the phone company. If you don't like it, you know what to do. [Editor's Note: "Figure 1," which appears at the bottom in the original text, is a "universally-recognized hand signal." ;-) ] 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 SUBJ: A Glossary of Your PC's Messages By Kevin Pease It says: "Press Any Key" It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving." It says: "Press A Key" (This one's a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.) It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E" It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem." It says: "Installing program to C:\...." It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them." It says: "Please insert disk 11" It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks." It says: "Not enough memory" It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K." It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...." It means: "... However, if you put the CD in right side up..." It says: "Please Wait...." It means: "... Indefinitely." It says: "Directory does not exist...." It means: ".... any more. Whoops." It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close." It means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 SUBJ: More Geek Humour From Apple Excerpted from the Newton Programmer's Guide: pp. 10-4, 10-5: Creating Sound Frames Procedurally: The samples slot in a sound frame as returned by the functions GetSound or GetSound11 does not contain the binary sample data itself. It actually contains a pointer to this data in your application package. You cannot write to this slot because in doing so you are actually trying to write to read-only package data. Do not do this; it wastes your time and annoys the ROM. pg. 12-43: The Target Slot: The target slot contains the soup entry with which the user is working, such as the current card, note, or caffeine record to be filed. Of course Apple has always had the most joke-laden manuals. I remember the boot code in the Apple II's ROM, which was generously listed in the old spiral-bound manuals. One comment read "Code from this point on is sacred. It should not be changed." (The 6502 took a little extra time to cross a page boundary, if anyone's interested.) A little later a comment read "Code from this point on is no longer sacred. It may be perverted in any manner by any pervert." There are others, but I've forgotten them over the years. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 SUBJ: Fast Guns: The Adventure Continues Java: Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, everyone else can shoot you in the foot, too. JavaScript: You can point the gun at your foot, and pull the trigger, but you don't have access to the bullets. HTML (W3 standard): HTML (NS Extension): Ouchie! My foot! (Of course, to shoot someone else in the foot, TARGET="http://www.appendage.com/Vince/Foot" and the owner of TARGET must have a compatible browser.) SUBJ: Fast Guns: The Adventure Drags On Java: Creating a class Gun will allow you to shoot your foot in a leisurely manner on machines running the MacOS, Solaris, Linux, Windows 95 and Windows NT. Shooting your foot on a Windows 3.x machine clicks on an empty chamber. Shooting your foot in Internet Explorer results in a hole in your head. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 SUBJ: Continuing the Programming Language Survey: INTERCAL Intercal combines the succinctness of assembly language, the syntactic rigor of SNOBOL, the readability of FORTRAN, the input/output model of LISP, line numbers from BASIC ... in short, all the worst features of computer languages. From Don Woods's Intercal manual: INTERCAL's main advantage over other programming languages is its strict simplicity. It has few capabilities, and thus there are few restrictions to be kept in mind. Since it is an exceedingly easy language to learn, one might expect it would be a good language for initiating novice programmers. Perhaps surprising, than, is the fact that it would be more likely to initiate a novice into a search for another line of work. As it turns out, INTERCAL is more useful (which isn't saying much) as a challenge to professional programmers. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 SUBJ: Jobs, Satan Announce Deal "The era of competition between good and evil is over," Steve Jobs told a keynote audience at MacWorld Expo today. "We have to let go of the notion that for good to triumph, evil must perish." In a presentation that had been anxiously awaited by the Mac community, Jobs announced an historic deal between Apple Computer and Beelzebub, Lord of Darkness and Supreme Ruler of the Empire of Evil. During his short speech to a stunned crowd, Jobs said that Satan will be purchasing $150M worth of Apple staff's souls, at the current market price. "I have Lucifer's word that he will not use his control over these souls to influence the direction we take in any way." Furthermore, said Jobs, the Devil will not be able to cash in any of the immortal souls for three whole years. The Antichrist then addressed the room via a live link from the Pits of Hell, and said that the Empire of Evil is committed to developing major pestilences for the Mac platform -- including Office 98 -- for at least the next five years. A collaboration on destroying the Sun is also part of the deal with the Lord of Darkness. Jobs said that Mac users should be grateful for the happiness that an honest, widely-respected and much-loved organization like The Eternal Pit of Torment will bring to the Mac community. In the wake of the announcement, Apple's stock leapt 30 pieces of silver over the previous day's high. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 "Wiiiiilliam Gaaaates..." "Oh, hi, Satan. What's up downstairs?" "It's tiiiiime..." "Yeah, but we're still debugging Memphis, and Ballmer swears he'll wipe out Adobe before lunch, and Melinda wants to change the tile in the third-floor kitchen again, and..." "Sorry, Bill. I've given you too many extensions already, not to mention the Oracle8 launch event disaster, not to mention Steve Jobs' head on a platter." "Yeah, that was a good one. I think you enjoy this as much as I..." "Regardless, a deal's a deal. Your soul is mine, Bill Gates. And today is the day you pay your eternal debt to me." "Now, let's be reasonable here, Satan..." "Reasonable?!? You want reasonable?!? You're the richest man in the world! You've got a beautiful wife and daughter! Microsoft is the most powerful company on the planet! We're even using NT to run hell's WAN server! And frankly, it sucks. That's one of the reasons I've come to collect. If you can't get my network to run right, you'll spend the afterlife writing Windows applications that run on doorbells..." "What's your alternative, Satan? Netware? AppleTalk? OS/2? You're a funny guy for someone who breathes fire." "Well, God is porting all his heaven-critical applications to Java..." "Java?!? Stop it, Satan. You're going to make me wet my pants again like that time you told me to buy Novell for $50 a share." "Yes, Java, running on Sun servers, IBM plumbing and Oracle databases with thin clients accessing the apps via the web through Netscape Navigator." "That's not a solution, that's one of those Grimm's fairy tales that scare children to death. I have yet to see an NC actually being used to do anything except crash during demonstrations. Look, Java is a nice little language for animating web sites, but Shockwave after too many espressos isn't going to displace Windows as an applications platform on hundreds of millions of PCs." "Nevertheless, Java is the future of computing, and I'll be damned if I'm going to give God a strategic technology advantage!" "Satan, what if I told you I could kill off Java with a single word?" "Interesting. Tell me more." "Wait a minute. What's in it for me?" "I promise I won't turn you into Larry Ellison's bidet right this second." "Okay, that works for me. Here's the word...disable." "Disable what?" "Disable Java support in Internet Explorer." "You mean Microsoft's web browser won't run Java anymore?" "That's right, brimstone breath. You want to run Java, give Netscape 50 bucks per seat and pray that IBM doesn't buy the company to merge Communicator with Lotus Notes." "The Department of Justice will..." "Will what? Punish me because I won't support a product my enemies want to use to destroy my company? Chevrolet dealers don't have to sell Fords. Pepsi's restaurants don't have to offer Coke. Why does Microsoft have to support Java?" "It's an industry standard..." "It's an industry hallucination." "There will be a public outcry..." "From who? Network managers? MIS? The CIO? They're up to their nose hairs in Cobol getting ready for January 1, 2000. To them, Java is still a cute word for coffee." "What about all those spiffy applets on thousands of web sites?" "Microsoft owns 100 percent of the Apple and Windows preload market for browsers, and our overall share has gone from zero to half in two years. It's a safe bet most people will soon use IE for web access. If they come to a site that doesn't work because of Java, they'll simply jump to the next one. Trust me, developers will switch to ActiveX faster than you can say 'Playstation.'" "What about other platforms..." "Like Intel has competition?" "Interactive TV..." "We call it WebTV in Redmond." "Venture capitalists have invested billions..." "To get a date with Kim Polese." "Sun will write a plug-in..." "Not without the hidden APIs." "Of all my minions, you are my very favorite, Bill. You may stay." "Thanks, Satan. Now, about that Exchange license agreement..." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 VIRUS WARNING!!! VIRUS WARNING!!! VIRUS WARNING!!! VIRUS WARNING!!! Dear Internet user, It seems that the destructive minds who like to invent computer viruses have struck again. A new virus, popularly known as INTERNET EXPLORER 4.0, has been propagating the Net for several weeks now. MILLIONS of computers have been infected by this insidious virus (mostly PCs, and a few Macintoshes as well.) This virus is one of the MOST DANGEROUS yet unleashed on the computing public! INTERNET EXPLORER 4.0 is known to have the following horrible effects on infected computers: * It WASTES an incredible amount of HARD DISK SPACE, space which could otherwise be used for productive applications * It causes the infected computer's performance to be DRASTICALLY REDUCED--Pentium machines which are stricken are known to slow down to the speed of a 486 * It surreptitiously MODIFIES the underlying operating system, causing the CORE FUNCTIONALITY of the instrument to change RADICALLY * It, through the use of Trojan-like ALTERATIONS to the core Java APIs, may cause Java applets to MALFUNCTION. These effects are so SEVERE that the designers of Java, Sun Microsystems, are taking LEGAL ACTION against the inventors of this terrible virus * It, once installed, is VIRTUALLY IMPOSSIBLE for the average user to remove from the system * It is known to create SECURITY HOLES, which can allow unknown users to DELETE or DESTROY files on your hard drive * It is known to cause many popular and reliable Internet browsers, such as NETSCAPE NAVIGATOR and NETSCAPE COMMUNICATOR, to not function correctly * It is even known to infect NEWLY PURCHASED computers coming from reputable manufacturers like COMPAQ and DELL. These companies have so far been POWERLESS to prevent this virus from being installed on the computers they sell. * It is known to be UNDETECTABLE by most virus-checking software packages The good news is that the JUSTICE DEPARTMENT is currently investigating the rogue hackers who CONCOCTED this destructive virus. They have been traced to a Seattle suburb, and may face fines of ONE MILLION DOLLARS PER DAY for the pernicious manner in which this virus is being distributed. The bad news is that millions of computers have ALREADY BEEN INFECTED. The inventors of this virus even have the gall to gleefully BOAST about this terrible fact on their web site! Here's what YOU can do: 1) If you see a website with the "Internet Explorer" logo, do **NOT** click on the logo. This can cause this virus to be DOWNLOADED and INSTALLED on your system! 2) If your computer is ALREADY INFECTED, and it's a Windows-based PC, call the technical support hotline at Microsoft (the company which wrote Windows), and ask them for instructions on how to DISABLE and REMOVE this virus. They should have instructions to do so. I apologize for the URGENT TONE of this message, but only if we WORK TOGETHER can the spread of the dreaded INTERNET EXPLORER 4.0 virus be slowed or stopped. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 SUBJ: Microsoft Dinner 98 INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT: You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme. If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner. If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification. Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter: ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink. Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment. Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need. Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging. Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance. Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 If Microsoft built cars: 1.Everytime they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car. 2.Occasionally your car would just die on the motorway for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this, restart and drive on. 3.Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart and you'd have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this too. 4.You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a "Car 95" or a "Car NT". But then you'd have to buy more seats. 5.Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but it would only run on five percent of the roads. 6.The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars which would make their cars go much slower. 7.The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light. 8.People would excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for many years. 9.We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas and all auto fluids but the packaging would be superb. 10.New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 11.The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off. 12.If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened. 13.They wouldn't build their own engines, but from a cartel with their engine suppliers. The latest engine would have 16 cylinders, multi-point fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it would be a side-valve design so you could use Model-T Ford parts on it. 14.There would be an "Engium Pro" with bigger turbos, but it would be slower on most existing roads. 15.Microsoft cars would have a special radio/cassette player which would only be able to listen to Microsoft FM, and play Microsoft Cassettes. Unless of course, you buy the upgrade to use existing stuff. 16.Microsoft would do so well, because even though they don't own any roads, all the road manufacturers would give away Microsoft cars free, including IBM! 17.If you still ran old versions of car (ie.CarDOS 6.22/CarWIN 3.11), then you would be called old fasioned, but you would be able to drive much faster, and on more roads! 18.If you couldn't afford to buy a new car, then you could just borrow your friends, and then copy it. 19.Whenever you bought a car, you would have to reorganize the ignition for a few days before it worked. 20.You would need to buy an upgrade to run cars on a motorway next to each other. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A man dressed in a suit comes up to the front porch of house juggling a clipboard, some papers, and a briefcase. He knocks on the door and it's answered by a middle-aged man, "Mornin' stranger, what can I do for ya?" "Well sir, I represent Schneller, Barnum, and Holtz. We're paid by private companies to canvas thousands of consumers like yourself for feedback on their products. Today we're soliciting comments on Vaseline petroleum jelly. Would you have time to answer just a couple of questions?" "I don't see how a couple of questions could hurt, fire away young man." says the homeowner. Looking down at his clipboard, the survey-taker asks, "Okay...first, you do use Vaseline, correct?" "Yes sir, for as long as I can remember." "Great, now what exactly do you use it for?" replies the survey-taker with his pen poised over his clipboard, ready to record the answer. "Let's see.....we use it for dry skin, chapped lips, and sex." The well-dressed man stops writing abruptly. He looks around, leans forward and in a low voice says, "We pride ourselves in being very thorough sir. I know how you'd use Vaseline for dry skin and chapped lips. But would you mind telling me how you use it for sex?" "No problem," the homeowner says in a whisper, "we put it on our bedroom doorknob." The survey-taker gets a strange look on his face and takes a step backwards before the homeowner continues, "It keeps the kids out." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool. When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other and said, "Did you notice the small dicks on all the rich kids?" The other answered, "Yeah! It's probably because they have toys to play with!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 I do not know who is to blame for these - this mail has circulated SwissBank in London. TIPS FOR: Weight Watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the thing in the first place, you fat bastards. Smokers. Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a friend's backside, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them. Alcoholics. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Ways to Annoy Your Public Bathroom Stall-Mate 1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "may I borrow a highlighter?" 2. Say, "uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that." 3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise. 4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold." 5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!" 6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before." 7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of six feet. Sigh relaxingly. 8. Say, "Now how did that get in there." 9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus." 10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbor's while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!" 11. Say, "Interesting............. more floaters than sinkers.'" 12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?" 13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me now." 14. Fill a balloon with cream corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast. 15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggott." 16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?" 17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks. 18. Before you un-roll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall. 19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!" 20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Actual Hong Kong Sub-Titles 1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way. 2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep. 3. Gun wounds again? 4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin. 5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries. 6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken! 7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants. 8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here? 9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up. 10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken. 11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out! 12. You daring lousy guy. 13. Beat him out of recognizable shape! 14. I have been scared shitless too much lately. 15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair! 16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected. 17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold? 18. How can you use my intestines as a gift? 19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat. 20. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination. 21. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 [Music. Scene Snowy hill.] Kids We wish you a merry Christmas, We wish you a merry Christmas, We wish you a merry Christmas-- Stan What? wait a minute. Kyle What? Stan Aren't you Jewish, Kyle? Kyle Yeah, I think so. Stan Dude, Jewish people don't celebrate Christmas. Kyle What? Stan You're sposed to sing Hanukkah songs! Kyle "Dreidel dreidel dreidel, I made you out of clay, Dreidel dreidel dreidel--" Stan That's a stupid song. Cartman Yeah, Hanukkah sucks. Kyle Don't you oppress me, fat boy. Cartman Don't call me fat, buttfucker. Kyle Then don't belittle my people you fuckin' fatass! Cartman Goddammit don't call me fat you buttfuckin' son-of-a-bitch! [Jesus floats down from the sky.] Kyle What the-- Kenny (zips up hood) Jesus Behold my glory. Stan Holy shit, it's Jesus! Cartman What are you doing in South Park, Jesus? Jesus I come seeking...retribution. Stan *gasp* He's come to kill you cuz you're Jewish, Kyle! Kyle Oh, fuck! I'm sorry, Jesus. Don't kill me. Jesus Nay, fear not. I love All My Children. Kyle *whew* Jesus Tomorrow is my birthday. Yet all is not right. Stan Your birthday is on Christmas? That sucks, dude. Jesus I must find a place called "The Mall". Kyle Well we can take you to the mall, Jesus. Stan Yeah! It's over this way. [Kyle and Kenny exit] Cartman *ugh* Goddammit, you stepped on my foot you pigfucker. Stan Dude, don't say pigfucker in front of Jesus. [Stan exits] Cartman Eh, fuck you. [Scene: Buildings. Music.] Stan Here we are Jesus, South Park Mall. Who are you looking for? Jesus Him! Santa Ho ho ho. We meet again, Jesus. Jesus You have blemished the meaning of Christmas for the last time, Kringle. Santa I bring happiness and love to children all over the world. Jesus Christmas is for celebrating my birth. Santa Christmas is for giving. Jesus I'm here to put an end to your blasphemy. Santa This time we finish it. [stands] There can be only one. Stan Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here. [Jesus and Santa fight] Kids Go Santa! [Jesus looks at them] Uh, go Jesus! [Jesus and Santa fight more, Mortal Kombat style.] Kyle Oh my god! They killed Kenny! Jesus Boys, help me put an end to him once and for all. Santa No, boys, help me, so that I can put an end to him. Jesus God is watching you, boys. You know who to help. Santa Stan, remember the choo-choo when you were three? Jesus I died for your sins, boys. Don't forget that. Stan I don't know what to do, dude. Who should we help? Cartman I say we help Santa Claus. Kyle Eh, you're just saying that because he brings you candy. Cartman Hey! I don't need to take that kinda shit from a Jew. Kyle You're such a fat fuck, Cartman, that when you walk down the street people go god DAMMIT that kid's a BIG FAT FUCK. Cartman Oh yeah? Well listen up... Santa Buttfuckin... Kyle I'm not the buttfucker, you're the buttfucker... Stan Wait, wait, just a second. Now we've got to think here. Now let's see. What would Brian Boitano do? Cartman Yeah. What would Brian Boitano do? [Music. Brian Boitano appears.] Brian Did someone say my name? Cartman Brian Boitano! Kyle What incredible irony! Cartman Yeah, it's Brian Boitano! Brian What's going on, kids? Stan Okay, Brian? Who would you help in a fight, Jesus or Santa Claus? Brian Kids...you shouldn't think of things like that. This is the one time of year when we all try to get along, no matter what we believe in. This is the season just to be good to each other. Bi-eee! [Brian skates away.] Jesus You fuckin' pussy! Santa C'mere! Come on! Stan Hey, Jesus! You have to understand that Santa is keeping the spirit of your birthday alive by bringing happiness and joy. Kyle Yeah. And Santa, you need to remember that if it weren't for Jesus, this day wouldn't even exist! Santa You're right kids. I'm sorry Jesus. Jesus No, no. It's me who should be sorry. I've been a right bastard. I'm sorry Kringle. Santa Thank you boys. Jesus Yeah, thank you boys. Come on, Kringle, I'll buy you an Orange Smoothie. Santa Ooooo! Stan *whew* That sucked. Kyle Yeah, but just think. Today we actually met--we actually spoke--to *the* Brian Boitano. Stan Yeah. And you know? I think I learned something today, it doesn't matter if you're Christian or Jewish or Atheist or Hindu. Christmas still is about one very important thing. Cartman Yeah, ham. Stan No not ham, you fat fuck! Cartman Fuck you! Stan Christmas is about something much more important. Kyle What? Stan Presents. Kyle Ah. Stan Don't you see, Kyle? Presents. Kyle Hey man, if you're Jewish you get presents for eight days. Stan Wow, really? Count me in. Cartman Yeah, I'll be a Jew too. Kids [leaving] "Dreidel dreidel dreidel I made you out of clay Dreidel dreidel dreidel With dreidel I will play!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Two bees buzz around what's left of a rose bush. "How was your summer?"asks bee number one. "Not too good," says bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. Not enough flowers, not enough pollen." The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down the corner and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit." Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off. An hour later, the bees bump into each other again. "How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the info-bee. "Great!" says buddy-bee. The first bee peers at his pal and wonders, "What's that on your head?" "A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 You Know You are a X-Phile When... Every night before you go to bed you check under your bed. Every coincidence is no coincidence but a secret government plot to hide the truth. You see a Nike commercial saying 'Just do it' and you go and tell your Doctor that the government has drugged you into a murdering zombie. X-Files is a category in your budget. You live in Amish country and you find yourself wondering where they hide their spacecrafts. You buy a package of Mulder's sunflower seeds even though you hate the things. You see an advertisement for a 'XXX Film' and think it's three X-Files episodes. You start humming the opening score in public and don't feel self conscious. You want just to believe. You and your significant other put on your trench coats and call each other Mulder and Scully. You can recall Scully's breast size in your sleep. You're getting on a bus (in Virginia, no less) and you check out the other passengers for large, suspicious looking boils on the sides of their faces. On the night it airs you make sure you have no plans and you have enough room left on your almost full X-Files VHS tape. You're walking back to your cube and see a Fedex package in the garbage outside and you instinctively walk a large circle around it. You won't go NEAR a porta-potty. You travel to Vancouver just so you can get a glimpse of David Duchovny. When you see someone with really nasty acne you run the other way screaming about bug infestations in their face. Everyone around you gets a fatal disease except you, then you catch it, and somehow manage to find a cure all in the course of an hour. You walk past 30th St. Station and are seriously watching out for people who seem afraid of their own shadows. You believe people that work at the animal shelter are involved in a government coverup. You stay out of other peoples shadows. You remember you always tried to get away from your shadows when you were younger, and now you realize why. You consciously avert your eyes from the checkout register before the LED display changes from '$13.95' to 'KILL THEM ALL'. When you have to write a creative story for english class, and the first names that pop into your head are: Fox, Dana, Chris and Glen. You see a cassette tape on the dashboard of your car and call the FBI. Your driving down the street, the radio stops and the first thing you do is stop and look into the sky. You suddenly cancel all summer plans to enroll in an intensive Navajo language class. Your legal first name is Dana and everyone gives you the nickname Scully. You see people who have taped their windows up in preparation for a hurricane, your first thought is 'They're trying to contact Mr. X!' When troubleshooting a bug in your software, you secretly pretend you are agent Fox Mulder trying to determine why the aliens are trying to sabotage your program. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A frog phones the Psychic Hotline and is told, " You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog gets excited at this prospect. It says to the psychic, "That's great! Will I meet her at a party or what? "No, not at a party," said the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 H O W T O K I L L S A N T A C L A U S The thought of people being happy and nothing that I can do to make their day as rotten as possible. Christmas season is great, because if you kill Santa Claus all the little kids won`t get gifts to open on the 25th! Look at all these douche bags out there dressed in those stupid red suits, wouldn't you feel satisfied by actually killing one or all of them? I would, I personally find great personal satisfaction in killing of as many bastards in these suits as possible, and that's why I'm here. Share some personal experiences in killing of the Santa Clauses. - Stretch a piano cord across the road between two telephone poles so when Saint Nick comes flying by on a sleigh or a fire engine his head will come right off. - Obtain a hand held land to air heat seeking missile, when he comes by, nuke him to kingdom-come! - Point a .45 calibre starting pistol at his head when he's in the mall and threaten to give him a massive vasectomy. Then fire and watch the fat shit have a heart attack! - Put a gas burner on the bottom of your fire place. - Put a shot gun on the bottom of your fire place attacked to the handle on the flew. - Put a lot of oil on your roof and watch the fat shit try and land! - Kick him off his sleigh in mid air. - Put an altimeter bomb in his sleigh, so when he goes high enough it's bye-bye for Santa. - Loosen the blades on his sleigh when he tries to land, it's Santa all over the place. - Sacrifice his reindeer. - Bolt a rope to the roof of your house, and tie the other end to his sleigh. It's one f***ed up sleigh when he gets moving. - Run over him with a car when he lands on the road. - Fire a fat-seeking missile at his sleigh in mid air. - Have him arrested at night time for breaking and entering into your house. - When he comes down the chimney, smash him across the face with a metal baseball bat. - Fire a flame thrower at him when he's a-comin down the chimney. Just remember when the old bastard comes - "You better not pout, you better not cry, Santa Claus is coming to town." -little does the fat shit know if he comes near my town he's gonna have the worst night of his life, not to mention the last. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 The Dr. Seuss Purity Test -Have you done it on a boat? -Have you done it with a goat? -Have you done it in a bed? -Have you done it with the dead? -Have you done it in the ass? -Have you done it, high on grass? -Have you done it in the car? -Have you simply gone too far? -Have you done it on the beach? -Have you done it with the teach? -Have you done it on your back? -Have you done it strapped to a rack? -Have you done it in a box? -Have you done it with a fox? -Have you done it in a tree? -Have you done it with more than three? -Have you done it in the rain? -Have you done it for the pain? -Have you done it 'tween the tits? -Have you done it wearing mitts? -Have you done it packed in rubber? -Have you done it undercover? -Have you done it on a perch? -Have you done it in a church? -Have you done it with a virgin? -Have you done it with a sturgeon? -Have you done it with ropes and chains? -Have you done it while insane? -Have you done it on the stage? -Have you done it underage? -Have you done it with all your friends? -Have you done it in both ends? -Have you done it with your dog? -Have you done it on a log? -Have you done it under clamps? -Have you done it with the lamps? -Have you done it without style? -Have you done it in a pile? -Have you done it for all to see? -Have you ever had VD? -Have you done it on Mother's couch? -Have you done it in your mouth? -Have you done it while on tape? -Have you done it out of shape? -Have you done it on live TV? -Have you done it whilst you pee? -Have you done it in the gym? -Have you done it on a whim? -Have you done it on a dare? -Do you really think we care? Answer these and count your "no"s, pray this number never grows. Fifty questions we asked thee, Score times two is your Purity. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day 10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers. 9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half. 8. See if they could finally do splits. 7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet. 6. Cross their legs without rearranging. 5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes BEFORE closing time. 4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first. 3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video. 2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too. and, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina . 1. Finally find that damned G-spot.!!!!! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Two guys were taking Chemistry at the University of Alabama. They were doing well in the class and thought that going into the final they had a solid "A". They were so confident that the weekend before finals week, they went to the University of Tennessee to party with some friends. They had a great time. However, with hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Alabama until early Monday morning, the day of the exam. Rather than taking the final then, they found their professor after the final to explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus. The professor told them they could make up the final on the following day. They were elated and relieved. At the final, the professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. The first problem, worth 5 Points, was something simple about Molarity & Solutions. "Cool," they thought. "This is going to be easy." The next problem was worth 95 Points. It said: - Which tire ?? 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 I took some clients out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware; he, too, sported a spoon in his breast-pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets. When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?" "Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time... nearly 1.5 extra man hours per shift." Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained. I was impressed. "Thanks. I had to ask." "No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders. As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back & forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters & busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers. My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but...uh...why, or what...about that string?" "Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone."Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the Men's room, too." "How's that?" "You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, SELVES, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands- free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!" "Oh, that makes sense," I said, thinking thru the process. "Hey, wait-a-minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how to you get it back in?" "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys; but I use my spoon." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack,bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left. The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left. The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed and hit him behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left. The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor. The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded. "Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Are you having a hard time finding the right gift for the computer adict whose PC has everything? Not another Dilbert necktie, or King's Quest XLVIII. Try one of these. - CD-ROM rewinder. (For blondes only.) - Virtual reality beer. - NoseBlaster smell card -- the latest in multi-media technology. The deluxe version comes with direct-feed nostril tubes for the ultimate in virtual olfactory experience. - True-Type font modelled on my handwriting. The last word in non-reversible encryption. (May not be exported from the country.) - 72-inch monitor. - 20-foot mouse extension cord - a must for the 72-inch monitor. - Michael Jackson-to-Michael Jackson Morph screen saver -- endless variations. - Bedpan -- Why leave your computer just for that? (Not for use with NoseBlaster.) - The secret to what this emoticon means - }:{o 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 KIDS SAY STRANGE THINGS..... The grass is always greener when you leave the sprinkler on. A rolling stone plays the guitar. The grass is always greener when you remember to water it. A bird in the hand is a real mess. No news is no newspaper. It's better to light one candle than to waste electricity. It's always darkest just before I open my eyes. You have nothing to fear but homework. If you can't stand the heat, don't start the fireplace. If you can't stand the heat, go swimming. Never put off 'til tomorrow what you should have done yesterday. A penny saved is nothing in the real world. The squeaking wheel gets annoying. We have nothing to fear but our principal. To err is human. To eat a muskrat is not. I think, therefore I get a headache. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Mother Lion and Father Lion had gone off hunting, and had told their two children not to wander away. However, a couple of small gnus wandered by, and the baby lions could not resist the temptation to try out their own hunting skills. They ran out, chased after the gnus, killed them, and started eating them. Just as the baby lions were reaching the end of their meal, the parents appeared in the distance. One of the baby lions turned to the other, and said: "That is the end of the gnus. Here again are the head lions." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Seal Scrolls. If authentic, it would shed light on the question, "Where do pets come from?" And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me." And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility." And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration." And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Cat did not care one way or the other. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 FACT: When development engineers go out together on a weekend they talk about football. FACT: When middle managers get together they talk about tennis. FACT: Senior executives talk about golf. CONCLUSION: The higher you are in management the smaller your balls are. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 On the side of the software box, in the "System Requirements" section, it said "Requires Windows 95 or better". So I installed Linux. The UNIX Guru's View of Sex: --------------------------- # unzip ; strip ; touch ; finger ; mount ; fsck ; more ; yes ; umount ; sleep 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 R E L I G I O U S D E F I N I T I O N S By El Muserote T H E Q U A K E R S This is a religious group who came to the New World to escape persecution and to make oatmeal. They get their name from the good old days when all would assemble at church and silently "quake" in meditation. This may sound odd, but isn't it really better than listening to some boring old sermon by someone who put his shirt on backwards? The Quakers eschew war and do not use guns, except those needed to make puffed wheat and puffed rice, which is guaranteed under the Constitution of Pennsylvania. Consequently, crime is low, except for a few cereal killings. El Muserote knows that he can safely poke a leetle fun at them because they are all Friends. T H E S H A K E R S These are a group of devout believers who came to the New World to make Early American furniture. They get their name from the days when they would assemble and "shake". This was due to their drinking large quantities of sacramental wine, such as Muscatel, Thunderbird and other brands of aged, fortified spirits. Unfortunately, it is hard to locate any Shakers today, because they practice celibacy. Perhaps that is what drove them to drink. T H E R A K E R S This is a large group of diverse ministries. The common denominator is that all church leaders have graduated from divinity schools (semen-aries) in the Deep South. Consequently, they all have drawls which closely approximate Biblical "speaking in tongues". They get their name from the practice of "raking" in the cash after discovering TV could be an effective evangelical garden tool. They also have other phrases in their Southern doctrines relating to other implements such as "Let's call a spade, a spade" and "Come to our hoe down". Some specialize in sod installation and are known as the Holy Rollers. A couple of ministers are famous for the practice of "laying on of the hands" in private "semenars" given in motel rooms. One occasion was so joyful, it brought the minister and his entire congregation to tears when he related the incident. And of course, we must not forget Oral Robber, whom God was going to "call home", if he couldn't raise a few measly pesos in donations. Who knows what all of their sexual practices are, but I'm sure we will find out more as time goes on. T H E B A K K E R S This is an inner circle of Rakers, led by Jimmy and Tammy, who believe in double consonants and "laying on of the Hahns". They specialize in building large closets and air-conditioned dog houses. They get their name from a desire to make a lot of bread. The females use a lot of pancake flour when they appear on TV, providing a suitable backdrop for lipstick and running mascara as well as a lot of syrupy talk. They believe that God can be time-shared and resort to forming organizations like PTL (Pay Taxes Later). The Bakkers claim to be monogamous, a contention that must be taken on faith alone. T H E F A K I R S These are Oriental ascetics who have taken vows of poverty and thus must form corporations to handle their money for them. They practice polygamy until they get it right, which explains their popularity. They are led by Gurus whose great wisdom will live throughout the ages. There is the Yogi Mahareeshi who teaches peoples how to fly (you have to be into TM to understand this one). Then there is Yogi Shree Rasneesh (these guys believe in double vowels, don't they?) whose advice is to let bagwhans be bagwhans. Yogi Shree's right hand man is a woman, Mama Sheila Banshee. Mama is the only female fakir, known as the Mother Fakir. Then there is The Unknown Yogi who couldn't come up with enough rupees and was "called om" by his mantra. Finally there is the Yogi Berra who said "It ain't over til it's over!" (but we have one more to go before then). T H E L A K E R S This is an LA congregation, belonging to the Negro Baptists Association (NBA), who perform the "Slam Dunk" in groups of five. The get their name from dribbling on hardwood floors until large pools form. They have been known to persecute other congregations during the winter season, such as the Pitiful Presbyterians of Portland and the Sinful Secularists of Seattle, they recently received their comeuppance from the Dastardly Devils of Detroit, a group of Satanic bad boys. El Muserote does not have the cajones to ask The Lakers about their sexual preferences. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 D I Y O P E R A T I O N S A P P E N D E C T A M Y Believe it or not, due to NHS cutbacks the government is going to start charging people for their operations! The fascist bastards, eh? Still, don't fret, Dr. Hyperdriver is here with these simple to follow guides to major surgery. Before you start you will need: - A sharp knife (a razor may suffice but it is not recommended) - A bucket - A nice long thin table to lie on - Some bright lighting - Hot water (you don't want any germs, do you?) - Some clamps. Pliers will do if you can't find any. - A big, old white sheet (one your mum won't mind you cutting holes in) - Some rope - A big bottle of cheap vodka - Needle and thread - Bandages - A pair of rubber gloves (marigolds will do, use your mum's) - Oh yes and a good local anesthetic Right, now you're ready to start but ahem, the author of this article does not accept any blame if, for some reason, you die or seriously injure yourself while you perform your operation. Not that you will, of course, but its just for the lawyers etc. Lets get going. Oh, it may be prudent to practise this operation first on a (stupid) friend. 1) Pull on the rubber gloves and drink all the Vodka as quickly as possible. 2) Sterilize the sharp knife by placing it in the hot water for about 1 minute. And you better sterilize the pliers (or clamps) as well and it might help if you give the table a bit of a wipe. 3) Lie on the table and tie your legs to it with the rope. This is to ensure if you experience any pain (heaven forbid) then your legs won't shoot up and upset your balance. This could cause you to accidentally remove something important like the stomach or to cut through the small intestine which may cause you to lose a lot of weight but it is not, on the whole, recommended. 4) Drape the white sheet over you legs and abdomen, then cut a oblong about 1 foot by 3 inches in it just below your belly button. 5) Make the first incision about 2 inches above your privates. Make in right across your abdomen, we want lots of room to fumble about in there. Oh shit! I forgot about the anesthetic. Still, I bet that cut woke you up, eh? Draw some the liquid into a syringe and inject it all around the cut. For those of you who don't have access to anesthetic then take a few Hedex or something. It doesn't hurt too much. What are you, a man or a mouse? 6) Get two sets of pliers and attach them to each side of the wound. Count to 3 and pull as hard as you can. Don't worry about any ripping of the skin, we'll stitch that up later. 7) If you're still conscious you should see your large and small intestines. Lift out the small intestine and put it to one side. If you have a friend present you could get them to stretch it out and see if it really is 30 feet long. 8) There may be a load of guff in the way of your operation, like muscle, fat etc. This can be cut away and put in the bucket. Below this you should see a long, gross grey thing. Don't worry, this is your large intestine. At one end near where the small intestine connects is a small piece of tissue. It will probably be swollen and red - this is your appendix. Simply snip it off and sew up the end. You may wish to keep it to show your friends, but leave it to one side for now. 9) Push the small intestine and muscle in again, you can leave out the fat if you were a bit of a bloater and pack it down with your fist. 10) Smooth the skin over the wound and begin to sew it up. WAIT! Did you remember the pliers and the sharp knife? Tut Tut, nip in and get them out then re-sew the wound. If you're no good with a needle and thread, a staple gun will do the job right, or Selotape. 11) Wrap the bandages around your abdomen and try and avoid rigorous exercise for a week or two. If the area around the wound begins to turn green don't panic, its all just part of the healing process, honest. P E N I S E N L A R G E M E N T Well, you've cut your teeth on the appendectomy and now your moving on to bigger (ha ha) and better things. This is a simple to follow and pain free (well almost) solution to a small penis. I really recommend you try the appendectomy first before you try this one. Righty - Ho, lets get going! You will need all the equipment for part 1 plus a bicycle pump, some 6 inch steel rods, a balloon (rod shaped) and a skewer. 1) Set up in the same way as the appendectomy but this time cut a circle in the sheet (the same one should do) and push your tackle through. 2) Inject the anesthetic into your bell end and wait for it to numb. Then enlarge your Jap's eye with the knife, nothing to extravagant, by the way, just a small cut. 3) Push the skewer down your shaft to make sure there's nothing in the way. If you feel any resistance a good hard push should shift it. 4) Now push the balloon onto the skewer and then re-insert the skewer into your pride and joy. 5) Take out the skewer and attach the end of the balloon to the bicycle pump but don't start pumping just yet. 6) Take the steel rods (Ha! Thought I'd forgotten about them, eh?) And push them as far as possible down all around the balloon. Try and get them in a roughly circular shape - you don't want a strange shaped dick, do you? 7) Now slowly inflate the balloon until the desired size is reached. Now tie the balloon and sew up the foreskin so it can't escape. Over inflation could result in the balloon bursting which may cause some damage to your pride and joy. You have been warned! 8) It may be prudent to wait a day or two before you try out your "new" tackle. The author does not accept responsibility for damage caused to either partner by over usage causing bursting, exposing the steel rods. The balloon may need to be replaced every so often this will probably be covered in a future article - If I can be bothered. Ha! Its as easy as that! Now, the bright people out there will be noticing a few defects about this enlargement like the way you can't piss. Now, admittedly this is a slight limitation but what's a few hours every week on a dialysis machine? Just think of what the girls will say when they see your monster! It's not deflatable so it will be erect all the time - but hey! Nobody's perfect, eh? Right, next time I'll be doing brain surgery and the resetting of broken bones, bet you can't wait! There you are! Piece of piss really, and to think they pay surgeons heaps of money for this shit! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A R E Y O U D E A D ? To find out if your next of kin qualify for death benefit or nor, simply answer each of the following questions as truthfully as possible. 1> Do you find that: a) You are bright, fit and healthy. b) You don't feel too good. c) You don't seem to get about these days. 2> When people talk about you, do they: a) Talk about you as they would anyone else. b) Make snide remarks. c) Talk about you in the past tense, e.g. was, were, used to etc. 3> Those that do talk about you (past tense or not). Is the talk: a) Nasty and malicious. b) No one talks about you. c) You were the best person that ever lived. Truly Great in fact. 4> Do you suffer from body odor ? a) Not at all, you shower everyday. b) Sometimes, when you need a bath. c) Now that you come to mention it, there is a bit of a funny pong. 5> Your present accommodation, is it: a) Large and well appointed. b) A small council flat. c) A very cramped, but tastefully decorated wooden box. 6> What was the last thing you remember doing? a) Going for a drink with your mates. b) Watching the telly. c) Pissed, doing 90 in your Escort, overtaking on a bend at night with your lights off. Why do you ask? 7> What is your current occupation? a) An advertising executive. b) A television tester. c) Lying on your back with your arms folded. 8> What do you spend your spare time doing? a) Going out with your mates. b) Watching the telly. c) Watching the insides of your eyelids decompose. 9> Does there appear to be a lot of soil between you and fresh air? a) No. b) No. c) Yes. R E S U L T S T I M E M O S T L Y A You're probably not dead at all. In fact you probably only read this page because you used a disk for this and want to get your moneys worth. M O S T L Y B You're a boring bastard, you might as well be dead. M O S T L Y C I'm sorry, but let's face it, you're stone dead. No more nights out on the piss for you. You've had you lot. Well, you had it coming. You can blame no one but yourself. You would go and swill that last lager down your fat neck wouldn't you? You drove like a complete bastard, trying to impress your mates as usual. What's the matter with people like you? You just have to do a wheel spin at junctions don't you? Then you drive off and think all the birds are talking about how great you look. Well, they don't anymore you arsehole - dead arsehole. Its a wonder no-one else was killed along with you, you twat. F***ing well stay where you are matey. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Top 10 things that sound dirty in law, but aren't: 10. Have you looked through her briefs? 9. He is one hard judge! 8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers. 7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute. 6. Is it a penal offense? 5. Better leave the handcuffs on. 4. For $200 an hour, she better be good! 3. Can you get him to drop his suit? 2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could. And the #1 dirty law statement..... 1. Think you can get me off? 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Subject: Tie the knot? I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "My wife found out..." Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!" Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful! I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months-I don't like to interrupt her. A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie? A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 >> Horses in the race are: >> >> 1. Passionate Lady >> 6. Clean Sheets >> 2. Bare Belly >> 7. Thighs >> 3. Silk Panties >> 8. Big Dick >> 4. Conscience >> 9. Heavy Bosum >> 5. Jockey Shorts >> 10. Merry Cherry >> >> At the Post >> >> They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post. Jockey Shorts >> and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosum is being >> pressured. Passionate lady is caught between Thighs and Big Dick is >> in a very dangerous spot. >> >> At the Halfway Mark >> >> It's Bare Belly on top. Thighs open and Big Dick is pressed in. >> Heavy Bosum is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate >> Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under >> terrific pressure from Big Dick. >> >> At The Stretch >> >> Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Dick is making a final >> drive. Bare Belly is in and Passionate Lady is coming. >> >> At The Finish >> >> Its Big Dick giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes >> everything Big Dick has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but Big >> Dick comes through with one final squirt and wins by a head. Bare >> Belly shows. Heavy Bosum weakens and Thighs pull up. >> >> Clean Sheets never had a chance......... 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 The Compleat Geek Test Part - I Are You a Computer Geek? 1. A friend opens a magazine full of scantily-clad members of your preferred sex. Do you: A. Openly Ogle B. Act Non-Chalant C. Comment "Gee, that's got to be at least 400 dpi, colour!" D. Slip the hand down the pants for a bit of good, old-fashioned executive relief. 2. You're at a party. Someone comes over and asks you your star sign. You: A. Tell them to bugger off B. Lay them one in the groin, then tell them to bugger off. C. I don't go to parties. D. I don't get invited to parties. 3. You're at the head of a large queue in front of a cash-register in a large department store. The register gives a >beep< and stops dead. You: A. Wait patiently B. Plant all the stuff you were going to buy in a nearby baby carriage and call the store detective (to while away the time) C. Break out your ever-present C64 notebook and try to debug the thing D. I don't know 4. You're shopping for some personal hygiene equipment when the chemist runs up saying the prescription database on his 386 is corrupt. You: A. What's a prescription database? B. What's a 386? C. What's personal hygiene? D. What was the question again? 5. A friend wants to borrow a record off you. You A. Lend it out, and tell them it's a boomerang. B. Tell them to go buy it. C. Consult the database to see that status of the record concerned D. Sell it to them for a beer. 6. You'd most like to meet: A. The person who wrote "Gulag Acapeligo" B. The person who wrote "War and Peace" C. The person who wrote MSDOS D. A person who can write 7. You win a "Grocery-Grab" at a local supermarket. You've got one minute to pack a cart with as much stuff as you can. You start: A. In the Liquor Section B. In the Confectionary Lane C. At the Pencil Bar D. At the cash register 8. You've been hit by a car and your life flashes before your eyes. The thing you remember most vividly is: A. Your Mother's voice as a child B. Your first Love C. The Ascii table. D. The tire pressure was maybe a little too high 9. You get to compete on blind date. You have one statement to change the choosers mind about you. You say: A. I've got a 12 inch tongue B. I can go all night C. I'VE GOT A 386SX with 64K Ram Cache D. I've killed 5 people 10. You feel naked without your: A. Electric Guitar B. Wallet C. VT100 reference guide D. Axe 11. You see someone standing on a ledge, about to jump. You can save them if you say the right thing. You say: A. I know things are bad, but do you want to talk about it? B. I feel you just need someone to talk to C. Want to come and play on my C64? D. I bet you haven't got the guts.... 12. You told your best friend the first time you: A. Had Sex B. Had Oral Sex C. Got a Ram expansion D. Killed a cat. 13. No-one understands you like: A. Your Mother B. Your Father C. Your PC D. Your Parole Officer 14. For your 18th birthday you wanted: A. A Car B. A Shaver C. A C64 Cassette Drive D. Some Piano Wire, and the Neigbours Cat Scoring Mostly A's: You're normal. Boring Boring Boring. You're the sort of person who'll just fritter their way through life enjoying themselves and having a good time. Shame on you! Mostly B's: You're mostly normal. Nothing a little ECT can't clear away in any case. You almost make it into the "Mostly A's" above. Mostly C's: Geek Alert! Break out the pocket protector! With a set of horn rims and a pocket calculator, you're ready for Revenge Part #72. You can be the person that gets beat up all the time. Mostly D's: So you're a sociopath; But that doesn't mean you're a bad person! Just keep taking the Lithium and everything'll be fine 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Are you a latent Computer Geek? So you got away by the skin of your teeth on the first two questionaires, but this is it, the biggy - the decider. You *could* be latent, with a geek laying dormant in your subconscious, just waiting to get out. Find out now with our five minute geek test part III. No cheating now, remember, you're not cheating us, you're just cheating your analyst out of 180 an hour... 1. It's your birthday and your parents give you are large parcel. You hope: a. It's expensive b. It's something that'll help you "score" c. It's got an alcohol content d. It's a full height 5 meg hard-disk for your computer museum 2. Your favourite STTNG star is: a. The Captain - Always the Captain b. The Captain too, cos he scores all the good chicks, just like on the old generation c. The guy with the car air-cleaner for glasses d. Data 3. You've got $20 left in your bank account, it's a Friday night and you're bored. You a. Go see some friends and bludge off them b. Invest your money in a couple of bottles of cheap cherry ripple leg-opener c. Leave it in the bank as the interest rate is almost 6 percent! d. Go downtown and tease the autoback machine by withdrawing the money and cancelling it at the last minute 4. The highlight of your career was when you a. Pulled off a currency deal worth 31 Million b. Bought R18 magazines when you were 16 c. Successfully Diagnosed yourself as having 3 degenerative brain disorders d. Got your C64 to talk to the Washing machine so you really *could* program the wash 5. Your cousin is the Black Sheep of the family because a. He doesn't have a cell-phone b. He doesn't drink Jack Daniels from the bottle c. He doesn't collect unemployment benefit d. He doesn't have a 486-40 with at least 120 Meg HD 6. You win a trip to any destination. You go to: a. Wall Street, the home of money b. Gracelands, home of Elvis c. Anywhere marrying siblings is legal d. The Motorola factory 7. You never cried so much as when a. They told you Santa wasn't real b. The Beatles split up c. They told you you'd moved to an alcohol-free district d. You heard Commodore 64s were discontinued 8. The partner of your dreams is a. A currency consultant with a Jet Ski and a Timeshare in Florida b. An attractive blond with Big Bazookies that talks dirty c. Dead d. A 486 with personality simulation 9. You have 24 hours to live. You a. Sell everything and indulge yourself b. Make peace with you enemies c. See if Anti-Freeze *is* drinkable d. Back your personality up onto 8 inch floppies. 10. The greatest threat to our way of life is a. Nuclear Weapons b. Communists c. Low-Proof Alcohol d. 8 bit graphics 11. You're drunk at a party. You talk about: a. Your financial model of the world b. The one that ripped your heart out of your body, stomped on it, shot it twice, set it on fire, then flushed it down the toilet like... c. How to make a good fruit punch with Ethyl Alcohol d. Which is the better disk controller, MFM or RLL 12. You have a kid. What do you call it? a. "Wall-Street", "Money" or "Profit" b. A Single Syllable name like "Dave" or "Sue" c. A miracle. d. R-Two 13. In the embarrassing old family photographs, you're always the one: a. With the torn jeans b. With the hair sticking up at the back c. Clutching your Genetalia d. With two pens of the SAME COLOUR in your top pocket, and no greens 14. When you die, your burial wishes are to be: a. Buried in a gold-plated coffin b. Cremated at a quiet ceremony c. Dead first d. Buried with a full set of MSDOS-4 floppies and Manuals How did you do? Mostly A's - You're not a geek, but we still hate you. Mostly B's - You're normalish, no intellectual threat and not really a geek either Mostly C's - You're really out there somewhere aren't you? Mostly D's - BING! On the nail. Need we say more? Ok? 10 PRINT "GEEK" 20 GOTO 10 Get the picture? 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Part II - Are you still a computer geek? Ok, so you lucked out last time - you were about as socially adjusted as an onion and jelly sandwich, but you might have changed! You may not be a computer geek any more! It's possible!!! (Not probable, but possible) Test yourself now! 1. It's a stag party for one of your friends. You and the rest of your friends all put money in for: a. A set of driving mirrors b. A stripper c. A stripper with a set of driving mirrors d. A VGA screen so he can check out alt.sex.pictures.of.girlies 2. You want to improve your social life. You a. Ask people to go out with you. b. Join a club to meet new people c. Drink yourself unconscious and forget about it. d. What's a social life? 3. You ideal partner would have: a. Looks b. Intelligence c. Money d. A 1.2 Gig Hard Drive, Twin floppies + SVGA screen, and 5 Meg Memory 4. You have the most horrific nightmare of your life. It involves: a. You driving off a cliff b. You showing up somewhere with no clothes on c. A hungry alsation, your private parts and some tomato sauce. d. A tax on pocket protectors and thick glasses 5. You're on blind date. The question you would ask is: a. "Name the weirdest place you ever kissed someone" b. "Name the weirdest place you ever made love" c. "Name the weirdest place you ever played soggy biscuit" d. "Name the weirdest place you ever booted MSDOS 4" 6. Your role model is: a. Rudolf Steiner b. Mother Theresa c. Charlie Manson d. R2D2 7. Your favourite fashion accessory is: a. Winklepickers b. Collar Studs c. An axe d. What's fashion? 8. If you had your life to live again, would you: a. Make no changes b. Make a few changes c. Make a lot of changes d. Upgrade to SVGA 9. Your favourite pickup line is: a. "I've just won the lottery" b. "Has anyone seen the keys to my Porsche?" c. "Shit, I'm pissed" d. "I'm superuser at work.." 10. During sexual climax, you think of: a. Your partner b. Your partner's body c. Yourself d. The 487 co-processor at 52 Meg Scoring You don't really need the score card do you? Mostly A's or B's means you're the normal run-of-the-mill, 90212 (the house next door) walk alike, talk alike that gives us real jerks a bad name; C's mean you're a.. Well, frankly, I haven't got a clue what the hell you are, but you're unique. D's - give up all hope. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Two Australian guys of limited intelligence (probably Port Adelaide supporters) were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface. After floating under the blazing sun for 6 days, they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies live in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie who said, "OK, so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, I've been doing this 3-wishes thing for a while now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys only get 1 wish and then I'm outta here! Make it a good one!" The first guy, without thinking, blurted out, "give us all the Fosters we can drink for the rest of our lives!" "Fine," said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean to beer. "Great move, Einstein!" said the second guy, slapping the first guy on the side of his head. "Now we're gonna have to piss in the boat!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 BAD HUMAN! This is the reverse of the "Bad Kitty!" list. That is, what would your cat(s) make you write on the chalkboard after committing a "crime"? Send your suggestions to harold[at]atm.dal.ca. First posting: October 8, 1993. Last Update: [May 11, 1994]. 1. I will not laugh when my master chases her tail. 2. I will be ready to play whenever my master is. 3. I will not let my master in/out "when I feel like it". 4. There must always be food in my master's dish. 5. I will graciously accept the wildlife offerings from my master. 6. I will watch where I put my big feet. 7. I will not fuss when my master is patrolling the table/kitchen counter/dresser for prey. 8. I will not chase my master with the awful noisy vacuum cleaner. 9. I will supply my master with toys and will not begrudge him if he decides to find some new ones on his own. 10. I will not move my master no matter where she decides to sleep. 11. I will share any can of tuna fish that is opened. 12. I will not make fun of my master's weight. 13. I will not stick my finger in master's mouth when she yawns. 14. I will keep the master's litter box as clean (or cleaner than) the human's bathroom. 15. I will be sure that my masters are comfortable in bed, only then will I arrange myself around the available space. 16. I will provide only the choicest morsels for the master's bowl, not poultry scraps. 17. I will take thousands of pictures of my masters, and show them to everyone I ever meet. 18. When my master is sleeping on some portion of my anatomy, I will not disturb my master by getting up to attend to such mundane matters as answering the telephone or going to the bathroom. 19. I will not complain when my master steps on the break key, or settles down on the computer keyboard. 20. I will not come home smelling of other cats or (even worse!) dogs. 21. I will not move my hand while my master is busy washing it. 22. I will change my masters' litterbox at the first sign of stink, not when they have to get the point across by whizzing on the comforter. 23. I will gladly roll onto my other side when my master paws me on the cheek at 3:30 am so she can "snuggle." 24. I will not "fraternize" with other cats. 25. I will not assume my master is done reading the newspaper just because she/he is no longer looking at it or just because I am done with that page. 27. I will not assume my master doesn't like whatever is in the can I am opening. 28. I will not surprise my master my kissing her while she is sleeping. 29. I will not brush my master when he jumps up on my lap just to be petted. 30. I will not spike my master's food with medicine. 31. Attempting to hide catnip from your master is useless, so don't bother. 32. I will not ignore my master's signs to tell me when to start/stop petting, cuddling, playing, etc., no matter how subtle they are. 33. I will not talk on the phone when my master wants me stare at her and talk nicely to her. 34. I will not answer the phone when I come home if I haven't fed my master yet. 35. I will *not* pet my master while she's taking her bath!! 36. I *will* feed my master on demand. I will *feed* my master on demand. I will feed my master on *demand*. 37. I will not talk on the phone unless my master gets a chance to say "hi". 38. I will get an ice cube and throw it on the floor whenever my master requests one. 39. I will share the spicy bean dip with my master. 40. I won't shove my master out of the middle of the bed. 41. I will not weigh my master. 43. I will retrieve all the foil balls and toys from under the sofa and refrigerator each and every day. 44. I will change the litter at least once per day. 45. I will feed my master all he can gorge. 46. I will *not* go to work and leave the kitties alone all day. 47. I will leave the lingerie drawer open so that my master may strew my undies around the apartment for his amusement. 48. I will not close the bathroom door thus separating myself, however momentarily, from my master. 49. I will let the kitties play with the hamster. 50. I will not place my *insignificant* belongings on the royal resting places (aka coffee tables, nightstands, and dressers), nor scold my master when s/he pushes them off. 51. I will not rush at my master when she is concentrating on balancing on the inch wide balcony rail 25 feet in the air to see how the dog and I react. 52. I will not pull my master out of the trash bin when she is busy inspecting its contents. 53. I will refill the water bowl no matter how many times my master tips it over. 54. I will leave the potting soil where it belongs -- on the floor. 55. I will leave the toilet seat up so my master can investigate. 56. I will let my master sleep on my notes as I'm trying to study. (I'm sure I can read through the fur if I try hard enough!) 57. I will not turn on the water when my master is napping in the sink. 58. I will let my master chase my highlighter as I'm trying to highlight texts. 59. I will not highlight my master's nose and ears in fashionable neon colors. 60. I will not de-flea my sister's new master in my master's bathroom and expect my master to forgive me right away. 61. I will not try to ignore my master when she comes over to join my phone conversation, because since no one else is in the room, I must be talking to her. (Who would *really* be talking to a piece of plastic anyway?) 62. The human will not stare at the master while she is doing her business, however, the master is permitted to stare at the human in various states of undress and/or physical activity. 63. The human will not say "Ewwww gross" when the master sneezes and then licks the snots off her fur. 64. I will let my master play with mice she has cleverly bought into the house to torture to death. 65. My master is a creature of dignity. I will not feed him catnip in front of guests and/or videotape him afterwards. 66. I will not expose my master to my morning breath when she wakes me. 67. I will not lure my master from his chair with a toy so I can sit in it. 68. I will not chase my (white-furred) master off of the black sweater drying in the laundry room. 69. I will not interfere with my master's perfectly normal attempts to assert his dominance by biting his brother. 70. I will not pull my master out from under the bed to show to guests--who are obviously dangerous and must be hidden from. 71. I will not throw out the nightly bit of dental floss without first allowing my master to play with it for at least 5 minutes. 72. I will not expect my master to forgo attempts to steal my sushi--this is simply asking too much of a cat. 73. I will not put my master in a cat carrier--ever, for any reason whatsoever. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Rosie O'Donnell at my kitchen table devouring Wing Dings without milk while delivering her monologue... Seeing Kate Moss in a full length fur coat and six-inch heels walking her two Dobermans down a New York City street in the middle of the summer... Being a reporter and being forced to read a copy of Johnny Cochran's incoherent book... Having to listen to Howard Stern suck up to one more interviewer to plug his movie... I confuse asteroid with hemorrhoid and start a cult following a package of Preparation H... Sherri Lewis opts for another face lift and Lamb Chop refuses to pay for it... Jerry Springer is forced to spend a day with an audience member he can't exploit and he can't do it... Leno and Letterman lose their jobs and end up on the prize patrol for Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes ... Bill Gates has bought rights to the atmosphere, you have to pay for air, and a Microsoft Logo hangs in the sky... Running into a wall of Silly Putty filled with little Larry Flynt Faces staring back at me... Sending a Father's Day card to Woody Allen... I am Madonna's baby... I'm one of the four plastic surgeons who hold Robert Shapiro together and he wants a new heart..I couldn't find one that cold... I am plucking out each of Burt Reynolds' chest hairs while he tells me about the bloopers left out from his movies with Dom DeLuise... I am trapped in a McDonald's and am forced to watch Rush Limbaugh eat every value meal on the menu and listen to Hakuna Matata... My husband introduces me to his friends saying, "She used to date Little Beaver"... I'm surrounded by the cast of Melrose Place, all combing their hair, adoring themselves in mirrors and saying, "Look at ME! Aren't I gorgeous" and I get nauseous... Being trapped in an elevator for hours, and the only music piped in is Michael Bolton songs... I was sentenced to life imprisonment in a Karaoke Bar, having to pretend forever that everyone has a great voice and all they could sing was "Puff the Magic Dragon"... Richard Simmons rules the world, his goofy shorts are required dress, there are Deal-A-Meal Casinos without buffets... I wake up with Sculley and Mulder from the X Files standing over me looking horrified... My room is filled with conveyer belts with thousands of ducks laying eggs which hatch into little Joan Rivers' ducks quacking incessantly... You appear on the Jenny Jones show and the topic is "people who secretly want to kill you... Howard Stern dressed up as Regis Philbin and Dennis Rodman dress up as Kathie Lee for a Halloween party and they swap Cody stories... To be reincarnated as Chapstick for David Bowie... A friend buy a ticket to a David Lee Roth concert and you get to "enjoy" the prerecorded lyrics that were "too difficult" for him to sing live... "Mimi" from the Drew Carey Show comes to your house to give you a free make over... You are Tori Spelling's plastic surgeon and she wants more... Your son is in the same grade school class as Cody and forced to endure endless Kathie Lee and Regis stories... In your dream you become a giant comb forced to slide through the muck of Jason Priestly's hair... The show Melrose Place has moved to the real Melrose Place and Heather will have to receive body piercings... 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 10 Reasons why chocolate is better than sex -------------------------------------------- 1: You can GET chocolate. 2: Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft. 3: "if you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chcoclate. 4: You can safety have chocolate when your driving. 5: You can make choclate last as long as you like. 6: You can have chocolate in front of your mother. 7: If you bite the nuts too hard the choclate won't mind. 8: Two people of the same sex can have chocolate together without being called nasty names. 9: The word "Commitment" doesn't scare chocolate off. 10: You can have chocolate on your desk during working hours without upsetting Your workmates. 11: You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped. 12: You don't get hairs in your mouth from chocolate. 13: With Chocolate there is no need to fake it. 14: Chocolate doesn't produce little chcolates nines months later. 15: You can have chocolate any time of the month. 16: Good chocolate is easy to find. 17: One choclate doesn't get nasty if it sees you having another chocolate. 18: You are never too oold or too young for chocolate. 19: When you have chocolate it doesn't keep the neighbours awake. 20: With chocolate size doesn't matter. its always good. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Dr. Computer Science answers computer questions: Q: What are bits and bytes? A: Bits and Bytes are what a binary (base 2) computer uses to think. Binary computers only think about food, so the units of thought are expressed in terms of eating processes. A bit is the smallest amount of cauliflower your child can eat and still get away with saying that he has had a bit of cauliflower. A byte is an entire piece of cauliflower. A byte usually contains eight bits, unless you are eating on a DEC, some of which allow a byte to vary in size from a single bit, to 36 bits. This is possible only on a DEC since only there can your child manage to drop small pieces of cauliflower through the spaces between the floorboards, leaving fewer bits on the plate. With fewer bits on the plate, each bit is a larger percentage of the whole, so a byte gets smaller. Q: Can I put a double sided floppy disk in the envelope from a single sided floppy? A: No. You see, single sided disks were invented because there all have a single song on the other side. That's why they are the same size as a 45 rpm record. Unfortunately, the sleeves are hard to remove so playing the songs are harder than planned. Anyway, who has a turntable with a 45 RPM adapter that works? Well, you know how dirty all your records get? All that dirt is inside the record and the sleeve, so if you put a double sided floppy in the sleeve, all the dirt from the record side will jump on the data and crash your system. Q: My computer has 2 Meg of RAM. My friend's has 2048K of ROM. Who was more memory? A: Your Friend. RAM memory usually forgets everything when you turn off the power. That means that when the power is off, you have NO RAM memory. ROM memory remembers everything, even when the power is off. How much more memory does your friend have? That depends on how much you turn off your computer. You'd have to keep your computer turned on all the time for you to have the same amount of memory as your friend. Q: Why does my disk have free space? A: It's a bonus from the manufacturer, to make you think you got a bargain. Notice how that free space decreases as time goes on. That's because your disk is becoming less of a bargain. When the free space becomes zero, you'll have only the disk you paid for. This usually causes great depression and concern because then you realize how little the dollar buys. Q: Motherboard, daughterboard, backplane, front panel, what does it all mean? A: That's all sales talk. First came office computers. They were big and impersonal. Then came personal computers. They were "user friendly". Now, a computer is no longer a single machine. We have computer families. The daddy computer talks to his daughters via the motherboard. Nobody drives, they all take the bus. Or the pulse train. Computers are sometimes like committees, they have several parts wasting time by doing the same thing at the same time. They argue a lot about who gets the front seat and who gets to drive. That's why they need bus arbitration. Q: What is cash memory, and why does it make computers faster? A: Cash memory is the part of the computer that remembers how much money you spent on your computer. The more you spend on your computer, the faster it will work. That's why the million dollar computers work so fast - they have more cash memory than you do. Q: But what if I paid by check or a credit card? A: The computer will find out. Every time you turn on the computer, the cash memory checks to see if the check was cashed. This is the memory check. The memory won't work until it's paid for. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 >>> HOW TO SING THE BLUES >>> (attrib. to Memphis Earlene Gray >>> with help from Uncle Plunky & others) >>> >>> 1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning." >>> >>> 2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless >>> you stick something nasty in the next line. >>> >>> I got a good woman- >>> with the meanest dog in town. >>> >>> 3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat >>> it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of. >>> >>> Got a good woman >>> with the meanest dog in town. >>> He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher >>> and weighs about 500 pounds. >>> >>> 4. The blues are not about limitless choice. >>> >>> 5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues >>> transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' >>> plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die. >>> >>> 6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues >>> adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a >>> man in Memphis. >>> >>> 7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or >>> Queens. Hard times in Vermont, North Dakota, or Silicon Valley don't >>> count -- they are merely another type of depression. Chicago, New >>> Orleans, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have >>> the blues. >>> >>> 8. The following colors do not belong in the blues: >>> a. violet >>> b. beige >>> c. mauve >>> >>> 9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the >>> lighting is wrong. >>> >>> 10. Good places for the Blues: >>> a. the highway >>> b. the jailhouse >>> c. the empty bed >>> >>> Bad places: >>> a. Ashrams >>> b. Gallery openings >>> c. weekend in the Hamptons >>> d. Pebble Beach >>> >>> 11. Do you have the right to sing the blues? >>> >>> Yes, if: >>> a. your first name is a southern state - like Georgia >>> b. you're blind >>> c. you shot a man in Memphis. >>> d. you can't be satisfied. >>> >>> No, if: >>> a. you were once blind but now can see. >>> b. you're deaf >>> c. you have a trust fund. >>> >>> 12. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues. >>> >>> 13. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the >>> blues. Other blues beverages are: >>> a. wine >>> b. Irish whiskey >>> c. muddy water >>> >>> Blues beverages are NOT: >>> a. Any mixed drink >>> b. Any wine kosher for Passover >>> c. Yoo Hoo >>> d. anything by Odwalla >>> >>> 14. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues >>> death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. >>> So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment >>> in an emergency room. It is not a blues death, however, if you die >>> during a liposuction treatment. >>> >>> 15. Some Blues names for Women >>> a. Sadie >>> b. Big Mama >>> c. Bessie >>> >>> 16. Some Blues Names for Men >>> a. Joe >>> b. Willie >>> c. Little Willie >>> d. Big Willie >>> e. Lightning >>> >>> Persons with names like Jennifer, Sierra, Myron, or Sequoia will >>> not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they >>> shoot in Memphis. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Who enjoys sex more? Man or woman? The woman, of course. Look at it this way. When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, what feels better - your finger or your ear? 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 The following is a vocabulary list of common words...which are you? Word Geek Normal ---------- --------------------- ------------------------- Code software instruction cryptic message Boot load operating system footwear Virus makes computer sick makes you sick Memory data storage retained ideas News Usenet NBC/CNN/C-Span Mail electronic letters bills/junk mail FIDO subnet dog Pen pointing device writing with ink thing Slip external comm. a fall/undergarment Tip open line for comm. $$ for waiters/waitresses Mouse pointing device rodent Screen terminal face metal mesh Spool swap device thing that holds thread thread code structure method stuff on spools OOP C++ a booboo Ports serial, parallel.... place where ships dock Floppy removeable disk limp Harddrive fixed disk difficult trip Windows GUI nightmare cleaning nightmare Root sysadm bottom part of plant Smalltalk programming language chit chat SPAM junk mail canned luncheon meat Microsoft software company small and squishy Gates robber baron doors for fences 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Glossary of Software Engineering Terms All new The software is not compatible with previous versions. Advanced design Upper management doesn't understand it. Breakthrough It nearly booted on the first try. Capability maturity model A method of determining to what extent the developer can reasonably be blamed for the inevitable failure. Cleanroom A management technique that applies to horizontal interfaces what the mushroom technique applies to vertical interfaces. Compiler A tool for adding an exciting amount of uncertainty to the size, speed and correctness of a program. Computer human interface The means by which the program conditions the user into never trying all the things that don't work. Cost modelling A means of convincing the customer to pay for whomever you need to keep employed this year. Customer A primitive life form at the bottom of the food chain. Debugger A tool that substitutes afterthought for forethought. Design The activity of preparing for a design review. Design review A process for ensuring you know exactly what it is you won't build. Design simplicity It was developed on a shoe-string budget. Documentary hypothesis The discredited notion that software is the outcome of a systematic and rational process of development, rather than the result of divine inspiration. Documentation A process for converting trees into entropy, usually applied to provide busywork for the people whose employment cannot be justified by cost modelling. Domain A class of applications where failure on one project gives you an advantage in bidding on the next. Enhancement Breaking what you did right and getting paid for it. [see also: maintenance] Exclusive We're the only ones who have the documentation. Field tested Manufacturing doesn't have a test system. Foolproof operation All parameters are hard coded. Formal verification The construction of an incorrect proof isomorphic to an incorrect program. Function point analysis Cost modelling a program by what it won't do, rather than by how big it won't be. Futuristic It only runs on the next-generation supercomputer. Incremental implementation Delivering several partial products each for the price of a complete one. It's here at last We've released a 26-week project in 48 weeks. Maintenance Fixing what you did wrong and getting paid for it. [see also: enhancement] Maintenance free It's impossible to fix. Meets quality standards It compiles without errors. New It comes in different colors from the previous version. Performance proven It works through beta test. Programs What software used to be, back when we knew how to write it. Programmer One who is too lacking in people skills to be a software engineer. Project management The art of always knowing how badly you're doing your work and how late you're doing it. Quality assurance A way to ensure you never deliver shoddy goods accidentally. Real time An attribute applied to software that's even more expensive than can be justified by cost modelling. Requirements analysis Determining what it is you can't do before failing to do it. Requirements engineering Convincing the customer to want what you think you can build. Requirements review Explaining what the customer won't get in language they don't understand. Reuse Using an existing product in a new context; especially as applied to proposals, resumes, disclaimers and excuses. Revolutionary The disk drives go round and round. Satisfaction Guaranteed We'll send you another copy if it fails. Software engineer One who engineers others into writing the code for him/her. Spiral model A development model that allows you to fail in a small way several times over. [see also: waterfall model] State-of-the-art What we could do with enough money. State-of-the-practice What we can do with the money you have. Stock item We shipped it once before, and we can do it again, probably. Structured walkthrough The process whereby the false assumptions of one member become shared by an entire team. Technology transition Helping people replace old useless processes, methods and tools with new useless processes, methods and tools. Testing A process for ensuring that the product will work in all circumstances that anybody other than the user can imagine. Total quality management A way of teaching your managers five words of Japanese, without any risk that they will acquire an equivalent amount of competence. Unprecedented performance Nothing ever ran this slow before. User A harmless drudge. Waterfall model A development model that allows you to fail in a big way just once. Years of development We finally got one to work. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 We have all been through job interviews, and we have spent most of the time thinking of what not to do that might make us look bad. Some job applicants however go light years beyond this. What follows is a survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations who were asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. Herein is an unbelievable list of what we can only call "the lowlights." 1. Said he was so well qualified that if he didn't get the job, it would prove that the company's management was incompetent. 2. Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application. 3. Brought her large dog to the interview. 4. Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles. 5. Candidate kept giggling through a serious interview. 6. She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time. 7. Bald candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece. 8. Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle. 9. Asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate. 10. Announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries during the interview. 11. Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of an interview. 12. Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as vice president of finance.. 13. Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm. 14. Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions. 15. Wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police. 16. When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office. 17. Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him. 18. Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet. 19. Took the brush out of my purse and brushed his hair and then left. Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. 20. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him. 21. Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to ensure that the offer was formal. 22. Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much. 23. While I was on a long distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold. 24. During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview. 25. A telephone call came in for the job applicant during the interview. It was his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: 'which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you will pay me more." I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no job offer. It was scam to get a higher offer. 26. The applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the other shoe was stolen off her foot on the bus. 27. His attache case opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments, assorted make-up and perfume. 28. He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception area. He didn't want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require indoor parking for the moped. 29. He took off his shoe and sock, applying medicated foot powder and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back on the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day and this was the time. 30. Candidate said he really didn't want the job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one. 31. He whistled when the interviewer was talking. 32. Asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security. 33. She threw-up on my desk and immediately starting asking questions about the job as if nothing happened. 34. Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I needed to get a new desk. 35. Asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Introducing Studly-OS!! Version 1.0 The Only Operating System You Will Ever Need! Preface Now that HappyNet is up and running, and Leader Kibo is ably directing the entire world with his custom Mondo Zeugma 6866688786/XA/sxe/IV (see HappyNet Manifesto), the fastest and best computer ever built in the history of time and space (second best was Deep Thought), we at Studly Research, Inc. have come up with an operating system that is simultaneously capable of keeping up with Kibo's needs and sufficing for general use by all the rest of the common and sometimes ignorant citizens of this planet, and of any other planets we can think of. No doubt you have been endlessly entertained by the furious religious operating system wars now taking place on the PC hardware arena. Should you be content with DOS and Windows? No! Should you switch to OS/2? No! Should you try your luck running a buggy Windows NT beta? Never! How about NeXTstep/486, or the upcoming Pink, or maybe Apple's System 7/486, or Linux, or Cray XMP-OS/486? None of these!!! We at Studly Research, Inc. have come up with a solution so superior that the entire industry will soon switch over to our operating system and accompanying software. Microsoft will fold and Bill Gates will get a job working at a 7-11, handing out coupons. Apple will also collapse and John Sculley will be found lying unconscious in a pool with a can of Pepsi and a hypodermic needle lying nearby. IBM will survive, but will be forced to lay off another 400,000,000 employees, and eventually end up as a subsidiary of the Moscow McDonalds. The only surviving companies will be the cheap clone manufacturers, producing faster and cheaper machines with the label "Studly-Compatible" and "SPC" proudly displayed on the front panel. What Is Studly-OS? Studly-OS is the result of over three decades of intense operating systems reasearch at Studly Labs, also known as the Studly Laboratories For User Triumph, or SLUT. Extensive research with actual humans at SLUT, instead of the trained chimps used in most useability labs such as Xerox PARC*, Microsoft Barf-- and Borland Snooze--*, has determined that people are less interested in operating systems that offer a wide selection of native programs, or have a pretty interface, or simply go 'bing', than they are in the concept of an operating system that will quite simply solve ALL of their problems for them. Studly-OS is that operating system. Not only will Studly-OS make any clone computer, from a ten year-old XT to a 486/330DX10, capable of doing more than all the former operating systems ever developed, it will also quickly, seamlessly, and invisibly solve all of their personal problems and make them happy, rich, sexually irresistible and permanently wonderful. But What Is The Cost? Nothing. We at Studly Research, Inc. have gained from our own inventions to the extent that we are already happy, rich, sexually irresistible and permanently wonderful. We are offering Studly-OS to the public free of charge. Every ftp site will soon be carrying, and running under, Studly-OS, and free diskette, CD-ROM and Braille copies will be available at bookstores, K-Marts and oil refineries worldwide. How Is This Technological Miracle Accomplished? Most of the developments at Studly Research, Inc. are of course patent-protected and highly secret, although we do not balk at hyping tantalizing tidbits of Studly technology, simply to gain free press coverage. Studly-OS is built around a nanokernel, the advanced descendant of microkernel operating systems available today. Our crack team of coders, hackers and pizza enthusiasts took an early beta of Microsoft's Windows NT, completely disassembled and analyzed the code, and then built Studly-OS by doing everything completely differently. We'd like to thank Microsoft for $69 well spent as a helpful exercise on how not to design operating systems. Whereas NT's microkernel is fat enough to tip over a bus, Studly-OS's nanokernel fits in under 1k. Instead of a multiple message queue, Studly-OS uses a method where messages are intercepted before the application in question has even sent them out. We redesigned the Windows interface to appeal less to schizophrenics and came up with a fully object-oriented system where the objects not only were oriented with respect to each other, but oriented themselves to best suit the individual computer user, including sexual and political preferences. No longer is the system merely user-friendly, it is positively user-worshiping! The Operating System Respects The User People work in different ways, and Studly-OS automatically adjusts to this, painlessly, seamlessly, smoothly and invisibly. We realize that most computer users want their operating systems to pretty much stay out of the way and run any application they choose to throw at it. Studly-OS handles all file manipulation. You will never touch another configuration file or menu again! For example, when the user sticks the first disk of an application in a drive, or even in between the little air vents in the front of the case, Studly-OS automatically determines what the program is, where it should be installed and how it should be set up, and then proceeds to build the rest of the program based on the contents of the first disk, taking out features which you will never use and adding those which the software manufacturer blindly left out. It then opens the icon editor and lets you create the ultimate icon for that application, filling in any tedious or difficult painting bits along the way. It then adds sound and animation to the icon, and while you watch, loads the application in the background and does your work for you while you play a quick game of Wing Commander III. Studly-OS Is Compatible Not sure if your application will run under Studly-OS? Studly-OS runs ALL software programs written for DOS (including those using VCPI, DPMI and Shmoodoo memory management, by rewriting and optimizing the code before installing) Windows (including Win32, Win32s, Win32c, Win32nb, Win32ack and Win32thbbth!), OS/2, GEM, AmigaDOS (including games which refuse to run on any Amiga past a 500), NeXTstep, Unix (Studly-OS maintains a daily-updated database on every Unix variation in existence, and automatically recompiles any Unix program in the background to work on your system) TRS-DOS, Apple ][ DOS and ProDOS, Macintosh Systems 1 through 9, Timex-Sinclair ZX81 programs, Atari 2600, Nintendo and Sega game cartridges, Heathkit HDOS, CP/M (including utilities that used weird Z80 opcodes), Epson's Q-DOS, Cromenco DOS, RISC OS, Commodore C=64, 128, VIC-20 and Plus/4 programs, and Coleco ADAM software. If Studly-OS encounters an application written for a platform it does not support, it rewrites it to conform to established standards. If Studly-OS senses that a particular application is not running at sufficient speed, it rewrites the code until it exceeds the performance on the best hardware available. For example, one user managed to get Studly-OS to run Strike Commander on his XT with 8-bit VGA, and noted that the game response was "very smooth, at least 60 frames per second with no flicker or pauses that I could find." Studly-OS Offers Superior Compression Although the operating system itself, due to incredibly tight and sexy coding, fits into less than 32k of RAM and 500k of disk space, we realized that most user's applications are reaching such gargantuan sizes that we decided to include an advanced disk-compression package with the product. 16:1 lossless compression!! Yes, the reason this mythical product was never released to the marketplace was because we bought it out. Lock, stock, and barrel. You can compress a compressed file as many times as you like until all programs are down to the theoretical minimum of 1k! Yet still not lose any data. Of course, with all your programs at 1k, uncompression may take a little longer. However, we feel the extra disk space is truly worth it. Most graphics files, including .JPGs and .GIFs, can be safely compressed down to less than 32 bytes, especially the nudes, which all look pretty much the same anyway. Pictures of Madonna can be packed as small as 1 byte. Studly-OS Is Here, Now! No Microsoft FUD. No promises of shipments "when it's ready". Studly-OS is ready and available for you to install NOW! What are you waiting for? Studly-OS Is Bug-Free! Others promise, but we deliver. We don't have to name our product 3.1 just to fool people into thinking that it is a tested system. Studly-OS is, and will always be, version 1.0! There will never be a need for an upgrade! And no, if you discover a bug, we don't send in the SWAT team to prove that you are an inconsiderate moron with the technical knowledge of a squashed gnat that can't even find his way out of the refrigerator. In fact, if you do find a bug, we are prepared to give you a $1 million prize, and an all-expenses paid tour to the fabulous Studly RESEARCH LABS in beautiful Barbados, where you will get to meet the Studly-OS design team and go for dinner and drinks! Then we will send out patches to everyone in the world free of charge. Compare Studly-OS With Those "Other" Systems! Feature Studly-OS! DOS/ OS/2 NT Unix Windows Nanokernel technology Yes! No No Hah! No 16:1 Lossless compress Yes! No No No No Free Origin game Yes! No No Heh!! Hah! (rewritten to actually handle memory the way sane people would) Automatically finishes important work for you Yes! No No No Work??? Free hyper-animator to make Babylon 5 look like Popeye cartoons Yes! No No No No Ten million included .GIFs, .WAVs and .WOWs Yes! No No No WOWs? Automatically optimizes application code Yes! No No Optimize? No! Makes you feel sexy Yes! HAH!!! No No Sex??? Tastes good with ice- cream and chips Yes! No No No Food??? Makes Bill Gates seem like a weenie Yes! Yes Yes Yes Yes Balances your checkbook Yes! No No No Money?? Washes your car Yes! No No No Automobiles? Improves self-esteem Yes! No No Worsens Suicide Makes you rich Yes! No No No sorry Supports SMP Yes! No Soon Yes Sometimes Requires SMP No No No Yes No Message-passing Yes! No Yes Yes Yes Message-losing No No No Yes core dumped Message-SENSING Yes! No No No guru Zen Yes! No No No flower Software support Great! Lame OK Where? Software?? Technical assistance None needed! No No No ARMM Documentation quality Great! Docs? OK Huh? grep General studliness Super! Ouch! So-so ICK! alt.angst RAM requirements 32k 640k 8 meg 16 meg How much??? Disk space required 500k 1 meg 30 meg 80 meg rm * OSes supported 24 1 3 3 Support? Price Free! $60 $99 $495 $0 < n < $oo Here Are Some Real-Life Quotes Of People Who Have Used Studly-OS! "I love it! It makes me want to eat!" - Rush Limbaugh "Since it doesn't have the name Windows on it, it is an irrelevant platform." - Bill Gates "We will develop applications for Studly-OS if they sell two million copies in the first year, but they won't sell more than 25, no matter how many they actually sell." - Bill Gates "Would you like fries with that?" - Bill Gates "It's a beautiful day in the Studlyhood" - Fred Rogers "Pull the other one!" - Patsy "This is the most impressive operating system I have ever seen in my entire life. It makes everything else seem like damp kleenex. However, it will surely fail and become a dead operating system and fail and fail fail fail it must fail!!!! Because it doesn't have the power of Microsoft's marketing behind it." - Paul Somerson "I'm sure I've used Studly-OS before" - Shirley MacLaine "I will be introducing the new Studly-OS-compliant retroactive moderation specifications directly to the Net" - Dick Depew "I'm sorry, but I happen to own the copyrights to the letters O and S. Please send me all your money right away." - James "Kibo" Parry "Ack! Pft!" - Bill The Ceo "StudlyOS sucks!!!1111 Y00 think itz c00l but your rong!!!!!11111 I Cant run it on my Am1ga so what yoos is it????/ My Am1ga beats yor peecee anyday!!!!!!!!!11111111 Peecee even with StudlyOS cant beet Amiga because Amiga rules!!!! Amiga iz better because it is Amiga!!!1111 Nothing else is Amiga!!!11111" - B1FF Notes: * Palo Alto Research Center -- Boring Applications Rarely Fascinate --* Stupid Nonsensical Object-Oriented Ziff-Davis Enema HappyNet, Mondo Zeugma, and O and S are trademarks of Kibo. Windows is NOT a trademark of Microsoft. B1FF is a trademark of himself. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk storage, a screen resolution of 1024x1024 pixels, relies entirely on voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket, and costs $300. What's the first question that the computer community asks? "Is it PC compatible?" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 "If you use the system in a dirty environment, open it periodically and vacuum the boards and components with a small vacuum designed for this kind of work. Don't loosen anything in the process--sucking all the chips off the system board with an industrial strength wet/dry vac is not covered by your warranty." - Gateway 2000 User Manual 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A North Carolina man, having bought several expensive cigars, insured them against... get this... fire. After he had smoked them, he then decided that he had a claim against the insurance company and filed. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigar normally. The man sued. The judge stated that since the company had insured the cigars against fire, they were obligated to pay. After the man accepted payment for his claim, the company then had him arrested ..... for arson. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Things I've Learned From Children 1. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. 2. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room. 3. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late. 4. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 5. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies. 6. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes. 7. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep. 8. LEGOS will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.... ouch... 9. Super glue is forever. 10. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know. 11. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. 12. Pool filters do not like Jell-o. 13. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 14. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. {that darn hamster} 15. The fire department in Roseville has at least a 5 minute response time. 16. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.. 17. It will however make cats dizzy. 18. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap? "Why sure you can," her grandfather replied. As she is sitting on grand dad's lap she says, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?" "A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog." The girl says, "Grandpa, will you please please MAKE a sound like a frog?" Perplexed, her grand dad says, "Sweet heart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?" And the little girl says, "'Cause Grandma said that when you croak, we're going to Florida!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 An F-111 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The message for the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better." Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge. The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however. Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?" "We just shut down two engines." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 September 5, 1997 (Seattle) -- Microsoft announced today that it will provide office furniture with its software. The next release of windows, code named Naugahyde, will include the Microsoft Chair at no extra charge. "This is a natural for us," a Microsoft spokesperson said. "We've conquered the desktop, so we're looking at way of expanding our installed base." The spokesperson denied accusations that bundling constitutes an unfair competitive advantage. "We're just listening to our customers. They've asked for more built in features, and who doesn't use a chair when they're at their computer? Especially when they're waiting for Windows to reboot." Beta testers noted its large footprint and found the chair to lack substantial features found in most of the competition. But when asked if they dislike it enough to purchase another vendor's furniture, most stated that they would just take what Microsoft had to offer. Also in the works is a small seat, dubbed the Microsoft Stool, soon to be bundled with laptops. Beta testers were surprised to find the backless chair at their doorsteps. "Then again, it's not the first time we've received a shrink-wrapped stool sample from Microsoft," noted one breathless customer. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Top Ten Ways A Computer Nerd Can Impress His Date 10. Flash the big wads of tens and twenties you created with your color laser printer and top-notch graphics program. 9. Spend an evening playing floppy disks backward, listening for the secret messages about Satan. 8. Invite her back to your place to show her the etchings on your Newton MessagePad. 7. Let the lady go first when you reach the virtual reality escalator. 6. Serenade her with your MIDI-compatible drum pads. 5. Have your dinner illuminated by the soft glow of an active-matrix LCD panel. 4. If you're getting serious, consider a set of "his 'n' her" system unit keys. 3. Drive her crazy by murmuring tender love words with the help of a French-speaking voice synthesizer. 2. Never type on your date's laptop computer without permission, particularly if the system is on her lap. 1. When things get tough, simply ask yourself, "What would Bill Gates do in a situation like this? 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 U S E L E S S T H I N G S F O R S A L E Flicking through the "Innovations: The Report" I came across these useless inventions (and then I wiped it off), but I want to tell you some of them: 1: PACKAWAY "ROOF-RACK" - This little invention is meant to "fit in seconds" and "attach to the roof easily and conveniently". Sounds good, but this has two flaws. The first is that the suckers can withstand a 190lb pull (so how do you get them off the car) and let's look at the picture. Well, the title clearly says Roof-Rack, so why, on the picture, is this invention attached to the boot. Yes, the boot. Just the place where you don't really want to carry your luggage, because then you can't use the rear-view mirror! Hmmmmm... 2: SCRATCH-NO-MORE FOR CATS - "If your feline friend is systematically scratching his way round your furniture, carpets, upholstery, or curtains, then here's a simple way to help make him stop. Scratch-No-More is a natural herbal formulation you spray onto any vulnerable surfaces. To us humans, it has only a very mild, pleasant scent... but for cats, it should mean a definite no-go area! Contains no damaging chemicals so won't stain fabrics or carpets. Each spray remains effective for up to a week - simply re-use as required". Hmm. Yes. I REALLY believe you... NOT. Talk about contradiction in terms "SHOULD mean a DEFINITE no-go area!" (Its swapper talk: "I'll DEFINITELY get you parcel out today. Probably") Yeah well, you don't have to bother with all this spray to deter your cat, simply kick it when it annoys you! 3: ANY PEN CAN WRITE - This one talks, too - Yes, this is a groovy "little" (100 quid) that can record 40 seconds of your voice and play it back. Firstly the pen is built from "aerospace-grade matte-finished titanium that is armor tough, but light". Now, why do you need a bullet-proof pen? In case your getting threatened by a gunman, but when you pull your pen out, the gunman will suddenly cack himself because he knows if he shoots at you, your bullet-proof pen will protect you? Nooooo, surely not? And I hate to piss on your fire, but why do we need a pen that records 40 seconds of your speech. Surely if you suddenly remember something vital, you can write it on the back of your hand. 4: THE KINDER WAY TO TRAIN DOGS - "Barker Breaker's non-harmful (Yeah...) sonic technology can help to cure many canine behavior problems including nuisance barking - fast! When your pet misbehaves (I take it you can therefore use it on your women?) point the unit at it and press the button. Barker Breacker emits a high-pitched sound, the higher frequency that only your dog can hear. Reinforce this training with a firm "NO!" and within minutes your pet can begin to correlate bad behavior with the high pitched sound. Be persistent and the problems can be reduced, or even go away after a few sessions of training with most dogs (i.e.: Not yours...)". Why would you want this crappy device. Nothing you can't do with two jump leads, the dogs testicles and 240V. 5: PATHFINDERS - The sunglasses used by the fighting forces - Yeah, for all the thick-as-shit posers out there. Only 40 quid. 6: ANSWER YOUR PHONE WITH 16 DIFFERENT VOICES - "Be whoever you want with this clever voice changing telephone. You simply chose one of the 16 different programmable voices at the touch of a button and change your male voice into a females. Or your adult voice into a child's and visa versa. Making or receiving phonecalls has never been such fun. All this for 50 quid". Well, this one does sound promising and quite a good telephone, but, what is written below it? Well, I'll tell you :"PROHIBITED from direct or indirect connection to public telecommunication systems. Action will be taken against anyone so connecting this apparatus". Smart, just what I wanted. A phone I can't use, nice one. 7: REPAIR HOLES AND TEARS WITHOUT SEWING - "This amazing (You said it!) invention from Germany puts an end to tedious darning. The Textile Repair Kit is an amazing (You said it! Again!) powder which, when heated with an iron (An iron what? Ho ho ho), "bonds" the fabric edge together to form an almost invisible permanent repair that withstands machine-washing and dry-cleaning. Also ideal for hemming, replacing zips, etc., etc.". Yes, yes. One word springs to mind, and that word is bollox. 8: D-RUST KILLS RUST IN SECONDS - "A single ten-second treatment of this Swedish formulae kills rust and simultaneously creates a hard surface that turns into a hard surface that lasts up to seven years. No wire brushing is required. Just paint on the D-rust and the rust instantly transforms to a phosphate layer that you can paint straight onto". I'm sorry. This is so sad. I think I'm going to cry. Boo hoo... What gullible chump would believe this drivel? 9: INSTANT TEETH WHITENER - "Dazzle is the safe, natural way to remove stains from teeth and enjoy a sparkling white smile. Made to a proven and effective oxygen-based formulae, Dazzle produces noticeable results just after one treatment and in just 8 minutes per day, coffee, tea, food and smoking stains can be removed to leave teeth dazzling white, just 8 quid.". Well, all I can say is that it looks like glorified Tipp-Ex with an excessive price tag! 10: INFRA-RED PAIN RELIEF - "Infra help uses the proven method of infra-red heat, combined with a gentle massage action, to help relieve the pain and misery of back-ache, rheumatism and muscular strain. Measures 10" long and features High and low settings and an on/off button. Especially designed". In that case, why do they look so much like rear bicycle lights? 11: GOLDEN TANNING TABLETS - Nothing quite seems to match the healthy glow of a tanned face. This effective formulae has delighted 1000's of users. It contains L-Tyrosine, an important precursor of melanin (trying to make us think it works because of all the jargon), the skins own natural pigment, plus silica and other vitamins and minerals. Its completely safe (ahhh, its vitamin C tablets), and is NOT a dye. Try it for yourself". Well, what CAN I say. Everyone knows sun tan is a side effect of the body absorbing Ultra Violet, and a certain pigment in the body changes color. How some pills, ORALLY taken, can give you a tan is beyond me. I reckon "That's Life" should check these out! 15 quid for 100 tablets. The suns free y'know! 12: THE 400-YARD GOLFBALL! - "If you want to give your golf partners a bit of a surprise, drive off with one of these new American super balls. In fact, you'll probably be quite surprised yourself too, because the Condor Extra-Distance Ball offers phenomenal performance - a long distance ball hitting champion droce one 400 yards! (probably with a force 9 gale behind him, down a 1:1 concrete hill)". Sounds quite a ball, but one just tiny minor problem. IT'S NOT APPROVED FOR COMPETITION USE. Nice one. Ooooo yeah, I'll buy 300 please. Not. 13: BATHROOM MIRROR THAT NEVER MISTS UP - I am not taking the piss. This is what is written - "Here is an amazing invention from the USA - a mirror that won't mist up, however steamy the atmosphere. Perfect for shaving, applying make-up, it fits flush onto any smooth surface with only FOUR suction cups. (Yes, most things fit flushly onto a smooth surface with four suction cups). The mirrored surface itself is made of a revolutionary anti-fogging material which gives clear image reflection. If dropped, its virtually unbreakable, and should it pick up a surface scratch, its "self-healing". Amazingly (yes...), minor scratches seem to disappear when exposed to moisture!" WOW, Its a magic mirror. I wonder if it tells you that your "the fairest of them all" too (And who will win the 3.00 at Doncaster!). Ha bloody Ha. Don't make me laugh. Well, they also had more useless things in here, like great saddle covers, those brilliant fashion accessories "sleave-holders", hand painted jelly molds, blood pressure kits, a vacuum cleaner you use on your dog, a file that will get rid of chips from glassware (I don't see how it does that!), juggle away stress video (I kid ye not), some cream that you put on your nails to make them grow longer (again, can't possibility work), a fat pen, a 1950 mop, a 200 quid pen (it has a mini torch at one end), a hot water bottle you heat up in the microwave, some metal balls to relieve stress, soothing power of natural sound (someone's recorded the tide coming in, or the sun rising), a heat cube - with maximum surface area (someone's just learned how to do differentiation) and a lot of other cool stuff that no one should be without! Is it that I could be taking the piss? 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 June 2, 1997 The Top 15 Signs You Drank Too Much This Weekend 15> You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping -- with your Oldsmobile. 14> Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles. 13> Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday. 12> Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli. 11> For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball goal. 10> Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes. 9> For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the *car*. 8> You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam. 7> Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer. 6> Absolut wants to run an add featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle. 5> Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's VomitMan!" 4> The doorman asks for you I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants. 3> Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions. 2> Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat. and the Number 1 Sign You Drank Too Much This Weekend... 1> You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Two drunks are driving down the highway drinking beer. All of a sudden they see the cop car lights flashing in the rear view mirror. "What are we going to do?" asks the the drunk passenger. "Don't worry, I know what to do. Peel the label off your bottle and stick it to your forehead. Let me do all the talking" They pull over and the cop gets out. "May I see your licence?" he asks. The guy gives him his license. "Have you been drinking?" "No officer. We haven't" "Well, you were weaving back and forth. Are you sure you haven't had anything to drink?" The officer asked. " I swear officer. I haven't has a sip." "Well, why do you have beer labels on your foreheads?" The man answers,"These aren't labels. We are alhoholics, and we are on the patch." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 EXCUSES FOR MISSING LESSONS AT SCHOOL So you want to miss a few lessons from school and you want some (almost) foolproof excuses? Well read on and have loads of spare time handed to you on a plate with this simple, but effective, guide to truancy! There are various ways you can miss lessons due to your "supposed" bad health. Some excuses can get you out of a couple of hours while you pop down to the arcade for a few games with your mates, while others are perfect for that long-awaited week at home! Stomach Upset - This is generally good for half a day to two days, as in the middle of the day you can begin to complain of nasty pains in your stomach. Back this up with a couple of realistic moans and you're well away to getting home. Have another day or two off to make sure that you are over the illness before returning. Headache - Good for missing a lesson that needs your course work handed in. Generally you'll get sent to the medical room, but if that's not good enough for you then just describe migraine symptoms and you'll be sure to be sent home. Vomiting - Now this gets you home as quick as a flash. No bugger wants to clean your sick up! Just complain to a teacher that you've just barfed in the toilets and you'll get sent home straight away. No need for a sick note the next day or anything. To make it a perfect skive, simply mix some extra foods with some vegetable soup and mix some thickener with it. Now chuck this in a corridor when no one is looking, and tell your teacher that you've just chucked in the corridor! (Poor caretaker!) Other than illnesses you can say you've banged your head playing football or something equivalent. You'll probably have to see a doctor about the bang, but that's no problem! You've got that extension for your homework that had to be in. Another way you can miss a couple of hours lessons is to say that you had to go to the hospital to have a routine check-up. If they ask what it was about then just say that it's a private matter and you'll hear nothing more of it. If you have to get a bus to school or college then catch it as normal, but instead of going to school or college, pop around a mates for a few hours. When asked why you were so late, just say that you missed the bus and had to catch a service bus in. Another one that works a treat, although is wearing a bit thin by now is telling the teacher that someone stole your bag. Just say that you were an hour late because you were looking for it. This works best if you turn up still without your bag and say that you still don't know where it is, but you thought that you'd better turn up for the lesson. Other favorites are doctors, dentists and opticians appointments. Even though they will expect an appointment card, just say that you threw it away after you used it. Generally all these are foolproof, so long as you are prepared to lie to them about questions that they follow up with. I've tried most of these at college due to the BTEC lectures having a strict attitude to attendance. A word of warning though - Miss too many lessons and you won't be able to catch up the stuff you've missed! (Then all you need to do is cheat in the exams and you've passed your course with no work!). 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 M O N T Y P Y T H O N ' S F L Y I N G K O M B A T "Preview" by Robert Stetler Here is some information about a video game that was previewed by Nowayeh at the recent Coin-operated Recreation and Arcade Platforms meeting in Fresno, California (keep in mind that Fresno is where all the major video game companies show their stuff first). B A C K G R O U N D The BBC has decided to cancel an offensive television show as they where tired of apologizing to the public regarding some rather tasteless episodes. They enlist the aid of a well regarded member of the British military in their cause to remove the show once and for all, but due to a public outcry they decide to let one of the show's characters stay on the air. The method of deciding which character will stay is left to the show's producers, and naturally the process degenerates to hand to hand combat. G A M E P L A Y The spokeswoman for Nowayeh, Mrs. Smegma, did not give too many details of the game as it is still being finalized and will not be released until November of this year (with the first few machines going only to major cities like Elkhart, Indiana). The game will have a three dimensional perspective, with a rotating joystick controlling facing. There will be 8 buttons for various attack and defensive moves, as Mrs. Smegma stated that their research department has found that the income generated by a fighting game is proportional to the number of buttons it has. Players will attempt to be the first to score 2 victories, which may take more than 3 rounds as the characters have the option of running away whenever they feel threatened. After scoring 2 victories the winner is invited to either kill or taunt their opponent, with pointed sticks and over-ripe produce being provided for the act. C H A R A C T E R S Here is a list of some of the game's characters that were mentioned: THE COLONEL: This is the final computer opponent in the game. His offensive abilities are fair, but his defence is an ability to stop an opponent in mid attack by stating "stop it, you're being silly again." The opponent then has to do something else instead, and is not allowed to do the stopped move again (no details were given as to what happens if the opponent tries the move again). THE BISHOP: Another computer controlled character, this holy man shows up with a catchy background tune and tries to stop fatalities before they happen. He always seems to arrive too late, though. VORPAL BUNNY: This player character is a small, inoffensive looking creature with a very quick jumping attack. Dispatching this character is difficult as few opponents can manage to hit it; fortunately, it seems vulnerable to explosives. BLACK KNIGHT: A competent swordsman, this fearsome foe can dish out damage with the best of them. When he gets hit, however, body parts go flying, leaving just a limb-less stump. Even in this state he can inflict a nasty bite. YELLOWBEARD: This character is a truly dangerous opponent, but if you think he is bad normally see what happens after you perform a fatality on him. A related character was mentioned, I didn't get any details except that he has a cute earring. THE LUMBERJACK: Except for the axe, I don't know what this character does. He seems okay, though. THE FRENCH WAITER: Almost no attack or defence ability to speak of, unless you count that little cracker (or should that be a "wafer-thin mint?") he keeps trying to feed you. DEATH: Cloak, scythe, and gravely voice identify this one as the final D himself. You probably won't have much to worry about from him as long as you stay away from the fish. THE MESSIAH: At least I thought he was. Looked like every other messiah I've ever seen. UPPER-CLASS TWIT: He wins if you kill him. S C R E E N S Like the character list, the screens mentioned were obviously just a few of what will be in the final game. A woodland scene with three small bushes was mentioned, as was a traffic scene with pedestrians crossing while a car is partially hidden behind a tree. A scene with a giant cat going through a hand crank meat grinder was thrown out as too gruesome, but the scene with a blind man stumbling into a pit was kept. There was also a fish tank with several fish with human faces. Almost every game scene is routinely interrupted by falling 16 ton weights or stomping bare feet. That's all the information I have, but everything above is 100% factual fabrications to which I would swear upon my living grandmother's grave, probably! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 H O W T O F A I L Y O U R D R I V I N G T E S T Once you reach the lowly heights of seventeen most young lads minds turn to driving a car, tank in fact anything with wheels and a huge wack off engine! Well this is not always as hard as it should be there has been several cases of 17 year olds passing first time! Well this has to stop. Just follow the simple steps below to blow your chance of ever learning to drive! 01. Always be on time for your test and try to set a good impression turn up 3 hours late and make sure that you've drunk 15 pints of Newcastle brown the same morning. Greet your instructor with a polite "fuck off!" and follow this by vomiting over his clipboard!. 02. Dress smartly,as the first impression always counts! Wear that tie dye shirt and vile yellow, red Bermuda shorts and your trusty doc martins with day-glo laces! If your instructor is German then it may help to say "Two world wars and one world cup!". 03. The last revision of the highway code is always helpful. If you've never bothered to read it then well done! If you instructor asks if you know your highway code then say yes and proceed to tell him you postcode! 04. The eye sight test. If you do not pass this then they will fail you straight off so this is the critical moment! Follow the conversation below and you will be okay! INSTRUCTOR: Can you tell me the registration of that car in front? YOU: Yes of course I can you silly twat! INSTRUCTOR: Well, what is it then? YOU: God, you blind bastard even my granny can read that from here! Do you need glasses or something? Proceed to tell him another reg that you can see and then get out your folding white stick. 05. Starting your engine is an important test of nerves. So here's what to do!, stick the car in reverse hit the gas, keep it down until you stop. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 The Top 17 Indications Your Family May be Dysfunctional 17) New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your family. 16) Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA. 15) Your mother and your preteen sister always fighting over the last beer. 14) In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch. 13) Bikers next door always complaining about the noise. 12) Local police save money by making your house a precinct substation. 11) Brother is writing nostalgic screenplay, "A Menendez Family Christmas." 10) Your new little sister is named after a famous serial killer. 09) Holidays usually celebrated by sniffing glue and kicking a toaster around the house. 08) Your son informs you he doesn't care to be your cellmate anymore. 07) You have to buy separate Mother's Day cards for each of Mom's personalities. 06) Family discussions usually begin with, "Put the gun down." 05) You *finally* get your work published in a major newspaper and your rat-bastard brother sics the Feds on you. 04) Instead of saying grace before dinner, father reads a passage from Penthouse Forum. 03) Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast turkey. 02) Didn't make today's Top Five List? Dad holds ya, Mom beats ya. and the Number 1 Indication Your Family May be Dysfunctional... 01) No more sunny breakfast nook now that kitchen is a methamphetamine lab. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A R E Y O U G O I N G T O B E L O C K E D U P ? Many things are sent to try us through life, so I have compiled a simple list, if you can answer "yes" to at least five of these questions, it is extremely likely you will be locked up at some stage of your life for one reason or another. 1. Have a "Clergy Parking Only" sign hanging over your toilet 2. Remember the Alamo 3. Remember Goliad 4. Remember Hitler's birthday 5. Remember Syd Barret's birthday 6. Forget your own birthday 7. Lie constantly for no reason 8. Lie constantly to achieve your own ends 9. Know the literal meaning of "tripe" 10. Wear an underarm phallus 11. Wear a Nun-Beaters Anonymous t-shirt 12. Make your own Nun-Beaters Anonymous t-shirt 13. Stay away from Schaumburg, Illinois 14. Kill the wabbit, kill the wabbit 15. Shock the monkey 16. Take everything as a compliment 17. Try to trick the tooth fairy 18. Read Judy Blume 19. Read Nietzsche 20. Read Franz Kafka 21. Read Aleister Crowley 22. Laugh at Aleister Crowley 23. Watch Liquid Television 24. Watch Aeon Flux 25. Never park your hard drive 26. Call HST boards at 300 baud, wait till they re-init the modem and then type in CONNECT 14400 27. Pick fights with Sarlo 28. Make fun of the Smurfs 29. Make fun of Scooby Doo 30. Have a 286-12 31. Make fun of Phrack 32. Support the next Inquisition 33. Burn things you'll need later 34. Drink sauerkraut juice 35. Sing Techno to annoy other people 36. Bring Jesus into other peoples' lives 37. Enlighten, Educate and Eunucize 38. Eat peanut butter and banana sandwiches 39. Lace "Just-Say-No" stamps with your favorite oral hallucinogen 40. Recognize Wagner's "Flight of the Valkyries" 41. Recognize the Carmina Burana 42. Recognize Inna Gotta Da Vida (and spell it wrong too!) 43. Ride a goat to Hell 44. Make fun of Saturday Night Live 45. Never find another human's ass attractive 46. Name your children Guido 47. Name your parents Guido (yes,both of them) 48. Look for love through the modem (and find it) 49. Own a laptop 50. Own a pocket modem 51. Own a pair of alligator clips 52. Own a 9/64" drill bit 53. Read CuD 54. Have a 2400 baud modem 55. Laugh at people who call their grandmother "Maa-Maw" 56. Pee all that you can pee 57. Bring the noise 58. Exploit homophobia 59. Play Nintendo 60. Tape your Nintendo to the wall 61. Sing "Ain't nobody gonna break my stride, nobody gonna pull me down, oh no, I've got to keep on moving" 62. Constantly relive the 80's 63. Enjoy Woody Allen 64. Celebrate Columbus Day by claiming a neighbor's backyard for Spain 65. Celebrate St. Patrick's Day by launching a pogrom against your favorite minority 66. Reply to graffiti 67. Get pissed at payphones when they make you pay 68. Play warez older than 10 days 69. Look like Alex from "A Clockwork Orange" 70. Make people feel uncomfortable 71. If it itches, ask someone else to scratch it 72. Call a mortician for reservations 73. Inhale other people 74. Whip it, whip it good 75. Watch Apocalypse Now 76. Watch Caligula 77. Name your cat Moriturum 78. Laugh at Denis Leary 79. Laugh at Timothy Leary 80. Sneeze on your computer screen 81. Oh god I can't believe I just did that 82. Kick the Habit 83. If it runs away, chase it 84. Laugh at Shit-Kickin' Jim 85. Laugh at Shit-Jickin' Kim 86. Listen to "Nelson" 87. Listen to "Wilson Phillips" 88. Read "Highlights for Children" 89. Look for "Highlights for Adults" 90. Order "A tub of Lard" for breakfast 91. Get your mind out of the gutter 92. Have three-way calling 93. Use it 94. Start alliances 95. Contract a disease 96. Defy logic 97. Spread rumors about yourself 98. Sponsor a plague 99. Acknowledge that you're not funny 100. Alienate your peers 101. Shift tenses 102. Know what the fuck I am talking about 103. Use "Trousers" in normal day-to-day conversation 104. Never use that Deja Vu cliche in a way purported to be witty 105. Never use that Deja Vu cliche in a way purported to be witty 106. Read Fred Basset 107. Become a false prophet 108. Win the adoration of millions 109. Exploit it 110. Exploit everything 111. Make fun of everything 112. Announce to the world your devotion to another human's kneecaps 113. Read Calvin and Hobbes 114. Be able to sing the Star Spangled Banner backwards and in German (none of this "Deutschland Uber Alles" crap) 115. Hug guys in public 116. Proclaim to know nothing, yet still preach 117. Change your handle daily 118. Make big plans 119. Give people ORIGINAL tapes and CD's 120. Read STUPID articles! 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 FLYING + HOLIDAYS ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Yup, it's time to talk about that weird ritual that people go through at least once a year in search of sun, sea and a tan. I've used personal experiences in this text, so most of the stuff is true. The first thing that a holiday involves (after you've decided where to go) is getting to your destination. This may involve a lengthy journey in a car, coach, bus, train or a ferry. I'm going to concentrate on the other method: flying. In order to get on a plane, you have to go to an airport. This is where you check in, then stand about for a few hours. After sitting on a very uncomfortable plastic chair for what seems like 3 days you finally get a boarding call. You grab your passport and get ready to show it to the bloke sitting in a small box that looks like a toilet. It is about now that you realize two things: 1) It is 4 o'clock in the morning 2) You actually look like your passport photo Right, you've managed to get through passport control. Now it's time for the x-ray machine and metal detector. You throw your hand luggage on the conveyor belt and put on your best innocent face (even though you aren't doing anything wrong, people still try not to look guilty). You walk through the metal detector and BEEP damn! What is it? Oh no! My car keys! AGGH!! A guard "guides" you over to another security person who does a body search on you. I can tell you, it's not fun (well, for some women out there it may be quite exciting. Perhaps they carry bits of metal in their pockets on purpose!) Anyway, the bloke finds your keys and gives them back to you. Now you go over to the other end of the conveyor belt. You pick up your bag and realize that you left a couple of disks in there. Aghgh!!! They've x-rayed my disks! Okay, you've done everything. Now you have to find the gate for your plane. Was it gate 2 or 12 ? Err. Lets try 12. Oh no. It's the MOVING WALKWAYS! These are like escalators except that they are flat. You step on them and you are transported down the corridor until you reach your gate. Every so often there is a gap where the walkway ends and you can step off to get to the gate. These appear with no warning, so you can often be standing on the walkway admiring the sunrise when WALLOP! You end up with a lump of floor in your face. Right, you've mastered the walkways. There's gate 10....11..12! Ha, this is it! Let's get off. Ahem. Lets get off. Agh! The walkway doesn't stop here! I'll have to get off at Gate 13 and walk back! Right. This is it. I've got to the gate, hang on, where's the plane? Where's the other people? Oh, a monitor. I'd ignored these monitors in the airport as my brain had grown sick of looking at them all year. The monitor tells you that this is a flight to Scotland and that it doesn't leave for another 5 hours. Oh nooooo! I'm at the wrong gate! This isn't my flight! Agghh!! IT MUST BE GATE 2!!! Oh no! Quick, run for that walkway. Get on it. Wooahh! That's it! Note this: These walkways are for people to stand on, to stand or walk on. But just try RUNNING on them! WOW! With the speed of you running and the walkway moving you forward you can reach phenomenal speeds! With an empty walkway you can put Linford Christie to shame! But,Oh No! I'm only at Gate 7! Keep running! Oh Damn. It's another one of those points where the walkway ends!! OH NO! I'm still running! (At this point your brain tends to think back to those old Knight Rider episodes where the car drove onto a moving truck without flying through the truck's cabin) STOP LEGS!! Hey!! Hang on! If I keep running I could jump onto the start of the other walkway!! What an idea! 1....2....3...JUMP!!....WOHOHOHOHAAAOAHHAOHOA! You fly through the air and end up on your back moving along the other walkway. But here it is! The correct gate! Yes! It's the right flight! And I'm just in time too! Yes, yes, hello nice woman, here's the boarding pass. Right. Where's my seat? I hope it isn't at the front because you always see the hostess carry little bags of, well, I'll say it, puke into the little cabin at the front. Oh, I am at the front. Well, I just hope that a fat bloke doesn't sit next to me. Oh, hello fat bloke. Ha! At least I'm near the window! Right, we're off. Okay, we've got to the start of the runway. Now, I've never been on a 737 before, and they're quite a bit faster than a 747. With a 747 it takes quite a while to get going before it takes off, and when it does get into the air it doesn't climb very fast. These smaller planes should get you there a lot quicker and they do. You sit at the end of the runway, watching the grass grow. The jet engines start to reach roar (remember the brakes are still on) then just when you don't expect it POW! The brakes are released and everyone is sucked back in their seats. The plane gathers speed and, just as you think it's reached about 60 m.p.h. (it's probably a lot faster than that) you take off. At this point everyone realizes that they are floating, only suspended by two bits of metal and a few pop rivets. The pillocks who go around serving tea and coffee give you some boiled sweets to combat the pressure (to make your ears pop). This is after they have explained what to do if the plane ditches in the sea or crashes into the ground (this fills everyone with confidence!) Every time the plane rises your stomach falls further through the floor. If you start to feel a bit ill, the immediate reaction is to take your mind off the flight. You reach for an in-flight magazine only to find that you have picked up the "what to do in the event of a crash landing" (notice how they put the word "landing" after crash, as if that's going to make it sound any better!). You start to read the crash booklet and find out how to do the brace position and where to jump out when the plane has crash landed (or crashed). This booklet does not tell you what do to if the plane explodes on impact and ALWAYS shows the plane in perfect condition after hitting the ground at 400 m.p.h. Anyway, after flying through the air at over 500 m.p.h. and having the stupid smiley, cheerful, "would you like some tea, Sir" hostesses fuss about as well as having your stomach tossed about like a football. You get to your holiday. Hooray, you made it. Or have you!? After getting off the plane you have that famous ritual of showing some official your passport then waiting for your luggage on the carousel (it's always the last one!). 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 American researchers yesterday announced that they have discovered that there is a female hormone in beer. To prove their point, they rounded up 100 men, fed them each a dozen pints of beer, and then observed that 100% of them started to talk nonsense and couldn't drive... 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. He had been counting the years off on his calender, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Building officials from a dozen local municipalities toured Bill and Melinda Gates' house last month, below are the comments from one of the officials. - Currently 300 workers including 104 electricians. - No visible electrical outlets anywhere. Gates does not like "clutter". - Construction likely complete in September 1997, 3 months behind owner's schedule. - 112 steps from the main floor to the main entry (or take the elevator). - Wood columns from main floor to roof in entry area are over 70 feet long. - Theme throughout main floor is high tech lodge. Primary structure is all exposed similar to large logs in a lodge except the logs are PERFECTLY finished. - All timbers used inside and out are finished the same - 3 inches have been removed from the exterior of the wood and then sanded to a satin finish. - All timbers are nearly perfect in that there are almost no knots. - All connectors are structural grade stainless steel. - All bolts throughout the house are stainless steel and oriented the same direction. - All woodwork is flawless. Much of the woodwork is of various rare species from all over the world - imported especially for the Gates'. - Some of the interior passage doors weigh over 800 lbs, but are balanced for easy use. - Accoustics are a concern throughout. Various woods and fabrics are being used. Accoustic panels in the Ballroom move out of sight on their own. - Roofing is stainless steel. - Floor is heated everywhere including the driveway and walks. - Ventilation system also conditions the air for health and comfort. - Security system (automated and personnel) is redundant. Hidden cameras everywhere including interior stone walls. Sensors in the floor can track a person to within 6 inches. System is monitored at the Microsoft campus. - Gates has a personal 4-car garage. House for the maintenance staff has its own 3-car garage. Nanny parks in the 6-car carport across from the main entry. An additional 10-cars can be parked in a subterranean arched concrete building which through an electronic transformation becomes a basketball court. - Nanny lives in plush quarters in the main residence near to the Gates' bedroom. - Existing cedar tree was determined by Gates to be in the wrong location and moved 6 inches. - Gates insisted on saving a 140 year old maple adjacent to the driveway. The tree is monitored electronically 24 hours per day via computer. If it seems dry, it gets just the right amount of water automatically delivered. - There will be an 18 hole putting range. A salmon hatchery is being finished. - If you wish, your music will follow you throughout the house - even at the bottom of the pool. - Many doors are blended so well with the walls that it is hard to see them. - Theatre (underground in a concrete shell) is the most state of the art theatre in the world according to specialty contractor. - Entry gate senses when your car approaches and opens fully by the time you arrive. - Very old antique cabinets from China have been brought in and built into the walls with adjacent paneling built to match the cabinets exactly. - 52 miles of communication cable in the building. - Shower curtain next to the spa is a 4500 lb slab of granite. - Melinda has 42 linear feet of clothes hanging space in her closet operated like a dry cleaner's rack. - Master bathtub can be filled to the right temperature and depth by Gates as he drives home from work. - Only two guest bedrooms. - There is a 28 foot high cantilever retaining wall. - Reinforcing steel in all concrete is four times the code minimum. No. 18 steel wrapped with no. 5 ties was common for simple columns. - There is a loading bay within the building. - All work is virtually flawless. - An interior designer disagreed with the layout of a portion of the home. Demolition resulted and 160 cubic yards of cured, cast-in-place concrete was removed. - All building officials were suffering "sensory overload" shortly after the 3- hour tour started. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A confused nine year old boy asks his mother, "Is God male or female?" After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "God is both male and female." This confuses the little boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?" She responds along the same line, "God is both black and white." This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?" The mother becomes concerned, but answers none the less, "Honey, God is both gay and straight." At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Is Michael Jackson God?" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on w/one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest w/the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. Now try lifting your dress up your thighs... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache." 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 H O W T O G E T S E R V E D I N A P U B I N U N D E R T W O M I N U T E S ! For those of you who have stood waiting at a bar while everyone seems to be getting served except you, this is what you need - the top ten tips to getting served first! And the top ten things of what NOT to do. PLEASE NOTE: I have worked in a busy city pub for two years and am positive these things work! 1) Be female. Not easy if you're male, but well worth a try as it works wonders for getting served quickly! 2) If you aren't female then go with your girlfriend - she'll get served immediately. If you can't do either of the above then you'll have problems, but try these methods for starters; 3) Know at least one of the bar staff - then you've got no problems. 4) Work at the pub so that you can swan in past the bouncers (while everyone else is getting knocked-back), go up to the bar and say in a clear voice "Alright mateys, how's it goin'?" - A drink will appear as if by magic. 5) Important note for number 4 - make sure you are well liked there if you try this one! 6) Go there every day for a year until you start getting treated as a regular, then solution 4 will work just as well. 7) Pretend to know one of the bar staff - walk (or struggle) up to the bar, tap him on the shoulder and try method 4 - this will either get you a drink or have you thrown out in under two minutes. Worth a try if you're really desperate. 8) Find a nice-looking girl waiting to be served and try and fight your way in next to her. She's bound to get served next so, as soon as the barman has given her her change whack your order in quick! 9) Risky one this, but try shouting "I'll have a bottle of Pils while yer there mate!" - this may work if the barman is a bit of a twat as he'll expect to be hit by you if he doesn't get you a bottle. Things to bear in mind with number 9: a) Make sure the pub sells Pils otherwise you'll look a complete tosser. b) Make sure you like Pils otherwise you'll look an even bigger tosser if you throw up on the bar. c) Make sure the barman is standing near the fridge (or wherever they keep the stuff) otherwise you might end up with half a pint of piss if he was just on his way the the toilet. d) Make VERY sure there isn't a big bastard standing next to you trying to get served coz if you do get served before him he'll probably shove the bottle up where only customs and excise dare to probe. 10) Lastly, walk in with an L-plate over your bollocks - a silly paper hat on your head and a condom up your nose and you'll probably be given a pint on the house for looking a complete twat. Either that or you'll have seven shades of shit kicked out of you. THE TOP 10 THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER DO 1) NEVER slag off the barman/barmaid (no matter how ugly). Even if you don't get thrown out, you won't get served again and IF you do get served again there will be so much spit in the pint you'd think it was Labbatts. 2) NEVER try to chat up a barmaid - 99% of the time they're going out with someone already (usually one of the barmen - hee hee!) and you'll only make a complete fool of yourself - I mean, try this... This bloke starts trying to chat up one of our barmaids, now, the music is goin' at full blast so he's shouting his head off trying to get her to hear and then - the music stops... The last thing he shouted was "I'd love to shag you silly!", well, when the music went off, the whole place heard it - including several lads built like brick shit-houses - we never saw him after that. Don't try it! 3) When you go to the bar TRY to look sober - you'll stand a better chance of getting served. 4) DON'T try and claim you gave a tenner when you actually gave a fiver - the way it goes is: you're pissed and the barman isn't - so there. 5) NEVER say "The drinks are on me!" - you'll be trampled to death. Obvious really but I'm only on number 5 and I'm starting to run out. 6) NEVER play any song by: East 17, Danni Monogue, or Take That etc., you WILL be found out! Even if it's for your girlfriend - there again, if she's into Take That then what are you doing going out with her? More to the point, what are you doing in a pub with her? 7) NEVER flash a wad of twenties at the bar! They'll have gone walkabouts by the end of the evening. Get a shitty-looking fiver out before you get to the bar - you'll look more like a student. 8) If there is a pool table in the pub NEVER play when you're pissed - you're bound to poke a lass in an awkward place - and her boyfriend will DEFINITELY be bigger than you! 9) When a song comes on that you don't like NEVER slag it off - the person who chose it will be sitting next to you - and he'll be bigger than you too. 10) Lastly, don't EVER get into a fight! Easier said than done I know, but YOU will come off worse! No matter who starts it. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 "The Sixth Sense - The Sense of Humor" =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Can fat people go skinny-dipping? Can you be a closet claustrophobic? Why is the word abbreviation so long? Is it possible to be totally partial? If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off? When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in? If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? When it rains, why don't sheep shrink? Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites? What's another word for thesaurus? 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A government committee in Iran is trying to figure out how to make a respectable name for the country. One board member says, "We could send a man into space.". Another member says, "Not big enough; it's already been done. But I have an idea. We could fly a man to the Sun!". Everybody laughs and tells him the astronaut would burn up. So he says, "Then we'll fly him at night!". 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A waitress walks up to the table of three Japanese men at a New York City restaurant. When she gets to the table, the waitress notices that the 3 men are furiously masturbating! She asks, "What the hell are you perverts doing?", to which one of the men replied, "We all berry hungry"! She responds, "But why are you whacking off?" One of the three says, "Because menu say "first come, first served!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Kids say the darnedest things. Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples: - The future of "I give" is "I take." - The parts of speech are lungs and air. - The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes. - A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population. - Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water. - (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water. - A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot. - The general direction of the Alps is straight up. - A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator. - Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris. - The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums. - The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom. - We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk. - One of the main causes of dust is janitors. - A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities. - One by-product of raising cattle is calves. - The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. - The climate is hottest next to the Creator. - The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom. - Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners. - The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other. - In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon. - Iron was discovered because someone smelt it. - In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah. - A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter. Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south. A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go. There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever. There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up here these days. Lime is a green-tasting rock. Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil. Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should. Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there. Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother. Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers. We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on. To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up. In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's. Clouds are high flying fogs. I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing. Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do. Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man. A blizzard is when it snows sideways. A monsoon is a French gentleman. Thunder is a rich source of loudness. Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound. It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places. Wind is like the air, only pushier. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Joe Lavin's Humor Column Nazi Germany and Seventh Grade: A Comparative Study July 25, 1997 Some people take Prozac. I don't. Whenever I'm depressed, I just think to myself, "At least I'm not in seventh grade again," and then I'm okay. I hated seventh grade from the very beginning. Most of my friends had just left my public school for private schools, and so I was forced to make a whole new set of friends. Not easy for a twelve year old. I tried, but my attempts were thwarted early on when my classmates discovered that I didn't know the proper term for a female's genitalia. From that moment on, I was pretty much a social outcast. I never recovered. Sure, I tried to learn all the bad words I could find, but even then I lacked the necessary older siblings to tutor me in the fine art of cursing. Besides, by then it no longer mattered. The die had been cast. I was a geek. In order to rescue myself from geekdom, I was forced into desperate behavior. I soon began heckling teachers. I had never before heckled teachers, and I didn't really know how. Nevertheless, everyone else was heckling, so I had no choice. It seemed to be the only way to get ahead in the hectic pace of seventh grade society. My major victim was our science teacher Mr. Becker, affectionately known as Mr. Pecker. (Ah, the wit of twelve year old boys.) Mr. Becker was not, shall we say, hip. He had the short pointy head haircut of the fifties, wore the best in polyester clothing, occasionally came to class with his fly open, and had no concept of how to deal with his anger. He was putty in our hands. We learned no science that year, unless you count the science of verbally kicking a limp dead body. We were good at that. Really good. Mr. Becker's one and only defense was to hand out demerits. If you got three demerits, you went to detention after school. There was only one problem. Having to stay after school became a badge of honor. Some people finished the year with over a hundred demerits. Going to detention became THE only way to be cool. So the system only deterred wimps like me. I did get two demerits that year and was about to get a third when I started apologizing to Mr. Becker after class and received a stay of detention. I lied and said I was sorry. I probably should have told the truth. "Look, Mr. Becker, I can't help it. You're the only person lower on the totem pole than me. If I don't attack you, I'm gonna have to start kicking pigeons out in the playground, and we both don't want that." I'm not sure why I even bothered trying to be popular. The seventh grade hierarchy was so locked into power that I didn't have a chance. We were all ruled by Der Fuhrer Chuck. His rule was based on the fact that he looked cool, had just moved to town from California, wore lots of Ocean Pacific clothing, and claimed to have done it with a girl. We were not worthy. He had about three deputies and ten to fifteen dedicated followers. There was also the outsider group which was of course no different from the insider group except that the members hung out on the opposite side of the playground. Occasionally, the insiders and outsiders would unite to confront the true menace to seventh grade society -- the geeks who played Dungeons and Dragons. I probably should have joined this group, but I had already seen what had happened to those who had crossed over to the dark side of D and D. They had never come back. I couldn't risk it. I wasn't particularly familiar with the female gender at this time, but I did notice that the same thing was happening over there. At the end of sixth grade when these power formations were developing, my class went on a one week field trip. There, the four most powerful boys hooked up (or indeed did whatever it is that twelve year olds do when they get together) with the four most popular girls -- in order. Der Fuhrer Chuck got the Number One girl. Number Two got Number Two, and so on. I guess sex only was applicable to the top four. It must have sucked to be Number Five -- to be so close to a sex life and yet so far. The strange thing is that amidst all this I became the political leader of the seventh grade boys. It was all because of a joke, of course. I was out sick one day, and when I returned to school I discovered that some classmates had placed my name on the ballot for Seventh Grade Boys Senator. This meant that I along with four others was scheduled to give a speech. I tried to get out of it, but Mr. Becker was running the procedures and decreed that no one could get out of the race without a speech. I was terrified to speak in front of class but was prepared to bow out of the race gracefully. The only problem was that Der Fuhrer Chuck announced his candidacy late, prompting all four speakers ahead of me to withdraw immediately. That left just Der Fuhrer Chuck and myself in the race. Mr. Becker was furious. Before I could withdraw, Mr. Becker made a passionate defense of democratic ideals. He told us that we were turning the election into a mockery of those ideals. He then announced that if no one ran against Der Fuhrer Chuck, there would be no election. I'm not sure if this was within his constitutional powers, but Mr. Becker wanted democracy, and democracy he was going to have, no matter what he had to do to get it. I was now forbidden to drop out of the race and was forced to issue the first and last speech of my political career. My manifesto consisted almost entirely of the word "ah" repeated over and over again, sometimes with one h, sometimes with as many as sixteen. That was my solemn campaign pledge, "Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!" I'm not even sure if I voted for myself. Der Fuhrer Chuck became our Senator with little trouble. In effect, though, I won because he soon grew bored with politics and never attended the meetings. This meant that I as his second-in-command was obligated to go. It didn't take long for me to abandon the meetings as well. But for a few weeks I was the leader of the seventh grade boys, which meant I got to hang with Mr. Becker at the meetings. That year, the longest of my life, eventually ended, and when my father announced that I would be spending eighth grade in a prep school, I should have been happy to escape. Instead, I was terrified. The little pessimist in me figured that things could always get worse. Luckily, they didn't, and I have gone on to bigger, better, or at least different things. I wonder how Der Fuhrer Chuck is doing. I bet he's upset that the high point of his power and popularity occurred at age twelve. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 16 things that Bill Gates would change if he was from Alabama ------------------------------------------------------------- 1. They would be called "Winders95, WindersNT, and Winders 3.1". 2. Instead of the hour glass wait icon, you'd get an empty beer bottle. 3. Occasionally you'd open a winder that was covered with a hefty bag and duct tape. 4. Dialog boxes that give you the choice of "Yes, No, or Cancel" would now read "Ahh-right, Naw, or Git". 5. Instead of the "Ta-da" sound when opening Winders, you would now hear the "Dueling Banjos". 6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders95 would now be called "Out-House". 7. When you open the sound player, you would hear a digitized drunk yelling "Freebird". 8. Powerpoint would now be known as "Parpawnt". 9. Microsoft's programming tolls would be "Vishul Basic" and "Vishul C++". 10. The Winders95 logo would be the Confederate Flag. 11. Instead of the title "VP", Microsoft's big shots would be called "Cuz". 12. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am or a Chevy truck. 13. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver. 14. "Well, next thing ya know ol' Bill's a billionaire......" 15. Flight Simulator game would be replaced by Tractor Pull Simulator. 16. Microsoft's CEO: Bubba Gates. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Signs You've Had A Bad First Date Not only is she a little young, but you're sure that you used to date her mother You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little league with her She has a thicker moustache than you When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic City and get married. She then informs you that leaving the state is a violation of her parole Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system You walk away from her front door with the roses you got her shoved up your ass You are the first guy that she's gone out with that isn't her cousin At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic She beats the crap out of some guy for making fun of your hair cut You wake up the next morning with a wicked hang-over. In the bed next to you is Janet Reno At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house, and her pimp is waiting there with your bill You wake up to find your loins covered with purple and green spots, with an intense itching in your left thigh She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then finally asks if you want to meet Satan She is better hung than you She constantly complains that her cat won't stop laughing at her She informs you that you can't go out again because her spirit guide doesn't like you She informs you that you can't go out again because her boyfriend doesn't like you 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 Life Will Not Be Like Star Trek ------------------------------- Written by Scott Adams, published in "The Dilbert Future" by HarperBusiness. Copyright United Media, 1997. Please keep this notice with the text if you forward it by e-mail. There are so many Star Trek(tm) spin-offs that it is easy to fool yourself into thinking that the Star Trek vision is an accurate vision of the future. Sadly, Star Trek does not take into account the stupidity, selfishness, and horniness of the average human being. Allow me to describe some of the more obvious errors in the Star Trek vision. Medical Technology ------------------ On Star Trek, the doctors have handheld devices that instantly close any openings in the skin. Imagine that sort of device in the hands of your unscrupulous friends. They would sneak up behind you and seal your ass shut as a practical joke. The devices would be sold in novelty stores instead of medical outlets. All things considered, I'm happy that it's not easy to close other people's orifices. Transporter ----------- It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across space and then reassemble them. The only problem is that you have to trust your co- worker to operate the transporter. These are the same people who won't add paper to the photocopier or make a new pot of coffee after taking the last drop. I don't think they'll be double-checking the transporter coordinates. They'll be accidentally beaming people into walls, pets, and furniture. People will spend all their time apologizing for having inanimate objects protruding from parts of their bodies. 'Pay no attention to the knickknacks; I got beamed into a hutch yesterday.' If I could beam things from one place to another, I'd never leave the house. I'd sit in a big comfy chair and just start beaming groceries, stereo equipment, cheerleaders, and anything else I wanted right into my house. I'm fairly certain I would abuse this power. If anybody came to arrest me, I'd beam them into space. If I wanted some paintings for my walls, I'd beam the contents of the Louvre over to my place, pick out the good stuff, and beam the rest into my neighbor's garage. If I were watching the news on television and didn't like what I heard, I would beam the anchorman into my living room during the commercial break, give him a vicious wedgie, and beam him back before anybody noticed. I'd never worry about 'keeping up with the Joneses,' because as soon as they got something nice, it would disappear right out of their hands. My neighbors would have to use milk crates for furniture. And that's only after I had all the milk crates I would ever need for the rest of my life. There's only one thing that could keep me from spending all my time wreaking havoc with the transporter: the holodeck. Holodeck -------- For those of you who only watched the 'old' Star Trek, the holodeck can create simulated worlds that look and feel just like the real thing. The characters on Star Trek use the holodeck for recreation during breaks from work. This is somewhat unrealistic. If I had a holodeck, I'd close the door and never come out until I died of exhaustion. It would be hard to convince me I should be anywhere but in the holodeck, getting my oil massage from Cindy Crawford and her simulated twin sister. Holodecks would be very addicting. If there weren't enough holodecks to go around, I'd get the names of all the people who had reservations ahead of me and beam them into concrete walls. I'd feel tense about it, but that's exactly why I'd need a massage. I'm afraid the holodeck will be society's last invention. Sex with Aliens --------------- According to Star Trek, there are many alien races populated with creatures who would like to have sex with humans. This would open up a lot of anatomical possibilities, but imagine the confusion. It's hard enough to have sex with human beings, much less humanoids. One wrong move and you're suddenly transported naked to the Gamma Quadrant to stand trial for who-knows-what. This could only add to performance anxiety. You would never be quite sure what moves would be sensual and what moves would be a galactic-sized mistake. Me Trying to Have Sex with an Alien ----------------------------------- Me: May I touch that? Alien: That is not an erogenous zone. It is a separate corporeal being that has been attached to my body for six hundred years. Me: It's cute. I wonder if it would let me have sex with it. Alien: That's exactly what I said six hundred years ago. The best part about having sex with aliens, according to the Star Trek model, is that the alien always dies a tragic death soon afterward. I don't have to tell you how many problems that would solve. Realistically, the future won't be that convenient. Phasers ------- I would love to have a device that would stun people into unconsciousness without killing them. I would use it ten times a day. If I got bad service at the convenience store, I'd zap the clerk. If somebody with big hair sat in front of me at the theater, zap! On Star Trek, there are no penalties for stunning people with phasers. It happens all the time. All you have to do is claim you were possessed by an alien entity. Apparently, that is viewed as a credible defense in the Star Trek future. Imagine real criminals in a world where the 'alien possession'defense is credible. Criminal: Yes, officer, I did steal that vehicle, and I did kill the occupants, but I was possessed by an evil alien entity. Officer: Well, okay. Move along. I wish I had a phaser right now. My neighbor's dog likes to stand under my bedroom window on the other side of the fence and bark for hours at a time. My neighbor has employed the bold defense that he believes it might be another neighbor's dog, despite the fact that I am standing there looking at him barking only twenty feet away. In a situation like this, a phaser is really the best approach. I could squeeze off a clean shot through the willow tree. A phaser doesn't make much noise, so it wouldn't disturb anyone. Then the unhappy little dog and I could both get some sleep. If the neighbor complains, I'll explain that the phaser was fired by the other neighbor's dog, a known troublemaker who is said to be invisible. And if that doesn't work, a photon torpedo is clearly indicated. Cyborgs ------- Given the choice, I would rather be a cyborg instead of 100 percent human. I like the thought of technology becoming part of my body. As a human, I am constantly running to the toolbox in my garage to get a tool to deal with some new household malfunction. If I were a cyborg, I might have an electric drill on my arm, plus a metric socket set. That would save a lot of trips. From what I've seen, the cyborg concept is a modular design, so you can add whatever tools you think you'd use most. I'd love to see crosshairs appear in my viewfinder every time I looked at someone. It would make me feel menacing, and I'd like that. I'd program myself so that anytime I saw a car salesman, a little message would appear in my viewfinder that said 'Target Locked On.' It would also be great to have my computer built into my skull. That way I could surf the Net during useless periods of life, such as when people talk to me. All I'd have to do is initiate a head-nodding subroutine during boring conversations and I could amuse myself in my head all day long. I think that if anyone could become a cyborg, there would be a huge rush of people getting in line for the conversion. Kids would like it for the look. Adults would like it for its utility. Cyborg technology has something for everyone. So, unlike Star Trek, I can imagine everyone wanting to be a cyborg. The only downside I can see is that when the human part dies and you're at the funeral, the cyborg part will try to claw its way out of the casket and slay all the mourners. But that risk can be minimized by saying you have an important business meeting, so you can't make it to the service. Shields ------- I wish I had an invisible force field. I'd use it all the time, especially around people who spit when they talk or get too close to my personal space. In fact, I'd probably need a shield quite a bit if I also had a phaser to play with. I wouldn't need a big shield system like the one they use to protect the Enterprise, maybe just a belt-clip device for personal use. I could insult dangerous people without fear of retribution. Whatever crumbs of personality I now have would be completely unnecessary in the future. On the plus side, it would make shopping much more fun. Shopping with Shields Up ------------------------ Me: Ring this up for me, you unpleasant cretin. Saleswoman: I oughta slug you! Me: Try it. My shields are up. Saleswoman: Damn! Me: There's nothing you can do to harm me. Saleswoman: I guess you're right. Would you like to open a charge account? Our interest rates are very reasonable. Me: Nice try. Long-Range Sensors ------------------ If people had long-range sensors, they would rarely use them to scan for new signs of life. I think they would use them to avoid work. You could run a continuous scan for your boss and then quickly transport yourself out of the area when he came near. If your manager died in his office, you would know minutes before the authorities discovered him, and that means extra break time. Vulcan Death Grip ----------------- Before all you Trekkies write to correct me, I know there is no such thing as a Vulcan Death Grip even in Star Trek. But I wish there were. That would have come in handy many times. It would be easy to make the Vulcan Death Grip look like an accident. 'I was just straightening his collar and he collapsed.' I think the only thing that keeps most people from randomly killing other citizens is the bloody mess it makes and the high likelihood of getting caught. With the Vulcan Death Grip, it would be clean and virtually undetectable. Everybody would be killing people left and right. You wouldn't be able to have a decent conversation at the office over the sound of dead co-workers hitting the carpet. The most common sounds in corporate America would be, 'I'm sorry I couldn't give you a bigger raise, but . . . erk!' And that's why the future won't be like Star Trek. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 A guy rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. He smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor guy breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..." He precedes her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall completely open. She purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" The flustered, embarrassed guy stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out "Oh, it's got to be your ears!" She's astounded! Why my ears? Looks at these boobs! They are full, don't sag, and they're all mine! My butt - it's firm, doesn't sag, and has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!" Clearing his throat once again, he stammers - "Outside when you said you heard someone coming - THAT WAS ME!" 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴 CHURCH BULLETIN Bloopers 1) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 2) The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church. 3) The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. 4) Evening massage - 6 p.m. 5) The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. 6) The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession. 컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴컴