ŚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ· ³ ŗ ³ H - J O K E 2 1 . T X T ŗ ³ ŗ ŌĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶĶ¼ Here goes: Another no-holds barred, unadulterated, politically incorrect, never-mind-the-fucking-language, who-cares-about-copyright collection of jokes, true stories and similar humour lifted from recent mail packets. This issue is also the first ½Meg one, and the name's been changed too... Title: H-JOKE21.TXT File size: 500,027 bytes Date: 15-09-96 [Standard advert] All H-JOKE?? files are available at ŚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄæ ³ ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ³ ³ ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ³ ³ ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ³ ³ ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ³ ³ ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ³ ³ ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ž ³ ³ ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ³ ³ The HMVH Corporation ³ ĄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄŁ Bulletin Board System [+27 11] (011) 941-1341 USR V.34/V.fc (24 Hours) ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The Shit List GHOST SHIT The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there's no poopie in the toilet. CLEAN SHIT The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there's nothing on the toilet paper. WET SHIT The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with a stain. SECOND WAVE SHIT This happens when you are done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and realize that you have to poopie some more. POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD SHIT The kind where you strain so much to get it out you practically have a stroke. LINCOLN LOG SHIT The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush. GASSEY SHIT It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling. DRINKER SHIT The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet. CORN SHIT Self explanatory. GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-SHIT SHIT The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times. SPINAL TAP SHIT That's where it hurts so badly coming out you'd swear it was leaving you sideways. WET CHEEKS POOPIE (THE POWER DUMP) The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water. LIQUID SHIT The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl. MEXICAN SHIT It smells so bad your nose burns. UPPER CLASS SHIT The kind of shit that doesn't smell. THE SURPRISE SHIT You're not even at the toilet because you're sure you are about to fart, but oops!....A poopie! THE DANGLING SHIT The poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you're done poopie-ing it. You just pray a shake or two will cut it loose. OUTTA THE BLUE SHIT The egg salad and chili you had for lunch kick in, and at most you have 30 seconds to find a bathroom. THE FLOATER This is one of the most important, yet not mentioned, kinds. The floater usually has two parts: the actual floater and the sinker. The floating portion usually emits such a pungent odor that even flushing and turning on a fan can't get the stench out of your nostrils. THE "GROUNDHOG'S DAY SPECIAL" This is the kind that pokes its head out the hole, hangs there for a moment, decides that it was happier inside and begins to pull itself back in. Usually its head can be pried off with a small stick or toothbrush. Once headless, the rest usually falls out or turns into the "POP A VEIN" variety. THE STATIC CLINGER Originally very mushy, the first portions to emerge break off underneath their own weight, leaving a rather sizeable mushy ball affixed to your anus. Wiping tends only to smear it. CHICKEN MCNUGGETS/FRUITY PEBBLES/THE PELLET POOP This is the kind that has no cohesive properties whatsoever. The individual "CHICKLETS" rather musically come plinking out one by one. THE CRAYOLA or THE MAGIC MARKER The long mushy kind that inscribes a beatiful arc on the bowl as it spins and disappears. See next item. THE RAINBOW This kind can often be discovered by the wonderfully colored trail it leaves in the bowl, or by noting the rich hues present on the now soiled TP. (As an aside, ingesting Grape Kool-Aid has been shown to turn stool an interesting shade of green.) THE PARADE POOP While being pinched out, this kind is accompanied by so many raucous and wheezing farts, you'd think it was a Fourth of July parade. THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH Baby's poop. If you've never seen or smelt it, trust me, it has a character and stink in a class by itself. THE ANCHOR The kind that is so long it touches the bottom of the bowl before it is finished emerging from its home. This kind is also known as THE LINCOLN LOG and THE PILE DRIVER. THE "WEAR A GLOVE" SQUIRTS The kind that requires extreme caution when cleaning. If you go too far in towards the source, you are bound to get some on your hand from the ample droplets you feel covering your cheeks. Often results in the sensation affectionately termed "Burny-butt". ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ In an article on the October 13 front page of our local paper, William Donohue was quoted. He is the president of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Liberties, and was describing his plan for combating religious bigotry in Eugene. "We've learned from the Jews," he said. "We turn up the heat." Excuse me? ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The favourite joke doing the rounds in the "sex workers'" domains is: Have you heard about the hooker with 3 vaginas? Yes, she fucks left, right and center... ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ MASTURBATION Backstroke roulette Bash the candle Beat off Beat the bishop Beat the meat Beat the dummy Beat the stick Bleed the weed Blow your load Bludgeon the beefsteak Bop the bolgney Buff the banana Burp the worm Butter the corn Choke the chicken Choke the sherrif and wait for the posse to come Clean your rifle Crank the shank Crown the king Cuff the carrot Diddle Drain the monster Fist fuck Fist your mister Five against one Flog the dog Flog the hog Flog your dong Flute solo Fondle the fig Gallup the antelope Give it a tug Grease the pipe Hack the hog Hand job Hand work Have it off Hitchhike under the big top Hump your hose Jack hammer Jack off Jazz yourself Jerk off Jerk the gherkin Loop the mule Make tye bald man puke Manipulate the mango Manual override Milk the lizard Nerk your throbber Oil the glove One man show Pack your palm Paddle the pickle Paint the pickle Paint the walls Peal the carrot Please your pisser Plunk your twanger Pocket pinball Pocket pool Polish the rocket Polish the sword Pound off Pound your flounder Pound your pud Pull off Pull the pole Pull the pope Pull your taffy Pump the python Ram the ham Ride the great white knuckler Rope the pony Shaking hands with the unemployed Shine your pole Shoot putty at the moon Slam the hammer Slammin' the salami Slappin' pappy Slapping the clown Slingin' jelly Snap the monkey Snap the whip Spank the frank Squeeze the lemon Strokin' it Stroke off Stroke your poker Tease the weasle Tenderize the meat The five knuckle shuffle Toss the turkey Thump the pump Tickle your pickle Toss off Walk the dog Wank Wax the dolphin Wack off Whip the dummy Whip your dripper Whizzin' jizzim Wonk your conker Wrestle your eel Wring out your rope Yank off Yank the crank Flogging the frog Mangling the midget Choking Ko Jak ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The Farside Comes to Life in Oregon. I am absolutely not making this incident up; in fact I have it all on videotape. The tape is from a local TV news show in Oregon, which sent a reporter out to cover the removal of a 45-foot, eight-ton dead whale that washed up on the beach. The responsibility for getting rid of the carcass was placed with the Oregon State Highway Division, apparently on the theory that highways and whales are very similar in the sense that both are large objects. So anyway, the highway engineers hit upon a plan (remember, I am not making this up) to blow up the whale with dynamite. The thinking was that the whale would be blown into small pieces, which would then be eaten by seagulls and fish. That would be that, a textbook whale removal. So they moved the spectators back up the beach, put a half-ton of dynamite next to the whale and set it off. What follows, on the videotape, is one the most priceless events in the history of the universe. First you see the whale carcass disappear in a huge blast of smoke and flame. Then you hear the happy spectators shouting "Yayy!" and "Whee!" Then, suddenly, the crowd's tone changes. You hear a new sound like "splud, splap", and you hear a woman's voice shouting "Here come pieces of...OH MY GOD!" Something smears the camera lens. Later, the reporter explains: "The humor of the entire situation suddenly gave way to a run for survival as huge chunks of whale blubber rained down everywhere." One piece caved in the roof of a car parked more than a quarter of a mile away!! Remaining on the beach were several large rotting whale sections the size of condominiums. There was no sign of the seagulls who had no doubt had permanently relocated to Brazil. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Spotted on a San Francisco freeway: a somewhat disgruntled looking middle-aged woman driving a Thunderbird with the license plate: 3M TA3 This caught my attention, because I had first seen the plate out of my rear-view mirror. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ From: jmunchau[at]vnet.net (J Munchausen) Subject: Judge Ito's Bar and Grill APPETIZERS ROSE LOPEZ NACHOS.............$3.55 Spicy, with a thick Spanish Accent,Nachos haven't been this good since.. I can't remember! SOUPS & SALADS DEJURY......................$3.95 Aged for one year. May be bitter. KATO SALAD.....................$3.95 An Empty head of lettuce with very little dressing FROM THE BAR PAULA BARBIERI COCKTAIL...$4.95 Cool, with a little honey on the side. Goes down real easy. MARCIA CLARK BEER............$2.85 We thought we had a case, but now we're not sure. SANDWICHES SIMPSON ALIBI SANDWICH.......$3.95 Full of bologna and hard to swallow, but a lot of people are buying it. FROM THE GRILL MARK FURMAN CHICKEN....$4.95 Absolutely NO dark meat! DENNIS FUNG PLATE............$22.95 Grilled detective served open faced. May be contaminated. DESSERTS Sorry, our bakery is temporarily closed. The lawyers have taken all the dough. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ True Story My wife and I were playfully arguing recently and I said something she didn't like. "I ought to beat you up", she laughed. "Ahh, you're not tough enough," I said. "Ok, maybe I'll shoot you with the shotgun", she said. "Oh please, it's only a 20 gauge, you'll need a bigger gun than that", I sneered. "In that case, maybe I'll just whack you with the frying pan", she said. "I KNOW you don't know how to use that!" I said. Big, big, big, big, big, HUGE, big, BIG mistake. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Heard on local radio station today:- A police safety officer was visiting a primary school in a particularly tough area of Glasgow. "Why shouldn't you touch the oven door or the kettle ?" he asked the assembled class. A young girls hand shot into the air. "Because you might leave fingerprints" she answered. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The following is paraphrased from the Los Angeles Times, October20, 1995. _________________________ A woman apparently frustrated by slow traffic on Santiago Canyon Road [in Orange County, California], took out a baseball bat and began swinging at a truck Thursday when she couldn't pass, authorities said. Then she hurled an aerosol can at the driver's door. The California Highway Partol officer who chased the driver, 26-year-old Lisa Lind of Lake Forest, noticed that her personalized license plate read "PEACE 95" and asked her about it. "She told me she got it because she thought there was so much violence going on in today's society," Officer Peros Doumas said. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A story from my Anthropology prof, Mr. Garber, that he told in his Magic, Ritual, and Religion class (it managed to draw applause, go figure): My wife had gotten pregnant, and we were sitting in one of those birthing classes to learn all about "natural child birth" and how to breathe. Well, on the first day we had to go around and introduce ourselves. After that, the person in charge said: "We are all adults here, and we all know about sex, but it is amazing how little most adults know about the human body. So, we are going to start on the female body at the navel and work our way around to the anus and name all of the parts" Everything was going good until the class was asked to name the piece of skin between the vagina and the anus. No one knew the answer. Being a smart ass, I raised my hand. The lady asked, "Mr. Garber, do you know the scientific name of the piece of skin between the vagina and the anus" "Yes" "And what is it?" "The chin rest" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ I had the rare opportunity to eat lunch with my wife, my 3 year old and my infant daughter yesterday. Of course, the choice of eating establishments was based on the current toys being offered. David (the 3 yr old) just *had* to go to Burger King to get a 'Toy Story'toy. Each of the drink glasses has a different character from the movie on it. David got a small drink featuring one of the lesser known characters. My wife had a medium drink with the high-tech spaceman called "Buzz Lightyear". I had a large with the low-tech wooden cowboy named Woody. As I approached the table carrying my drink, David exclaimed (in a very loud voice): "Look Dad, you've got a Woody!!!" Needless to say, I got many amused looks from the patrons. [For non-native English-speakers, 'woody' is American slang for an erection] ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Stacy is now old enough to: * Watch the TV news & ask questions -- recently when she heard someone announce that President Clinton would be addressing the nation about sending troops to Bosnia, she asked me anxiously,"Troops? What do they mean, troops?" I said,"That means soldiers, honey" and she said,"Whew! I thought they meant Girl Scouts!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ I was musing on similarities between Santa Claus and system administrators. Consider: 1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny. 2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal. 3. Santa seldom answers your mail. 4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves make it for me." 5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines. 6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves. 7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions. 8. Santa laughs entirely too much. 9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME. 10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Japanese products are often adorned with rather interesting English phrases. My boss, Anne, saw two large beach towels hanging in the window of a Tokyo department store. One showed a cartoon puppy and said "Puppy Dog" in big letters. The other, featuring a kitten, had a different label: "Puppy Cat." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A business man is packing for a trip. He glances in his briefcase, then calls to his wife. "Honey." "Yes, darling?" she replies. "Honey," he says, in mild exasperation, "why do you persist in putting a condom in my briefcase every time I go on a trip? You know I only have eyes for you. I'd never be unfaithful." "Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you," she replies sweetly, "It's just that, well you know, with all those terrible diseases out there, it would make me feel better to know that if anything did happen, you'd be protected. So please, darling, take it with you, won't you? For my sake?" "Oh, alright, if you put it that way," he relented, "I'll do it for you. But for heaven's sake, give me more than ONE!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ John had just enjoyed a successful year of kindergarten and was excited to start first grade. He was a good kindergarten student and loved his 1/2 day sessions in the morning. On the first day of school in the first grade, he listened attentively and participated in all the morning activities. When the bell rang at 11:30, he put his coat on and gathered his bag of books and pencils. The teacher asked John where he was going. He said that school was done now and he was going home. The teacher said that first graders have to stay the whole day. John threw his bag to the floor and exclaimed, "Who in the hell signed me up for this?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ My girlfriend was over tonight playing around on my computer with both Windows 95 and Mah Jongg for Windows. She has a mild interest in learning about computers, and I like to teach, so I often find myself explaining various things to her. Tonight we decided to install a piece of software. So we're in the Windows 95 screen with all the windows closed and there are a variety of shortcuts on my desktop. I tell her, "Okay, you're in Windows 95 right now. We'll need to drop to Dos to install this software" and she goes rummaging off through my start menu to find the shell icon. I tell her, "It's on the desktop." and she locates it and double clicks on it with ease. The screen flickers, and the standard black MS-DOS background flips up, and this expression of "Aha!" comes up on her face and she looks at me excitedly and says, "So the black stuff is MS-DOS?" After I finished laughing, I said, "Yeah. The black stuff is MS-DOS". :) ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ I work in Enrollment Services at the University of California. One day a friend showed an application that had been received from a prospective student. After all the standard academic information that is requested on college applications there is a section for noting academic honors. It says, "List Academic Honors Received and Describe Them". Beneath this the applicant had written in a neat hand, "The Bank of America award. Round and in the shape of a ribbon." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Baywatch babe and plastic surgery poster child Pamela Anderson Lee has given birth to her first child with Motley Crue rocker Tommy Lee. The boy, named Brandon Thomas Lee, weighs seven pounds, seven ounces ... ... and has a 38-inch chest. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ 101 Ways to be Obnoxious on Usenet ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Note to the profoundly impaired: this list is intended as humor, and consists mostly of things that you should NOT do. NOT NOT NOT do. Once more, slowly, d-o-n-'-t d-o t-h-e-s-e t-h-i-n-g-s. If you do, you're a bad, naughty person. Bad person! Naughty! Naughty, *bad* person! Ok, now that *that's* out of the way, without further ado... ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. Post a message asking how to post messages. 2. Lead a tireless crusade for the creation of newsgroups with silly names like alt.my.butt.is.hairy. 3. Put 4 addresses, 5 lines of "Geek Code", 6 ASCII-art bicycles, a PGP key, and your home phone in your signature. 4. Reinvigorate a discussion by switching attributions in followups. 5. Post recipes on rec.pets.cats. 6. Post a compendium of old articles from a thread that died months ago with a title such as "*** HAS JOE SMITH FORGOTTEN HIS LIES? ***" 7. Post a 56-part binary MPG file of your dog throwing up to news.answers. Announce that you screwed it up and repeat. 8. On the MST3K groups, ask what happened to Joel. 9. Ask readers of rec.music.misc to post their favorite Zeppelin tune "for a poll". 10. Reacquaint the readers of rec.humor with the "two-strings-go-in-a-bar" joke. 11. Determine a perversion so bizarre or obscure that it doesn't yet have its own sex group. 12. Post your new "War Heroes of India" FAQ to soc.culture.pakistan. 13. Start this week's new AOL virus rumor. 14. Format your posts for 90 columns (or 20). 15. Provide a valuable public service by notifying the eager readers of roughly 1,200 newsgroups of your new "HOOTERAMA" phone sex service or "PorqWhiffe" pheramone cologne. 16. Post elaborate conspiracy theories to talk.politics.misc detailing how ATF agents under the control of Chelsea Clinton and Socks have implanted invisible microchips in your genitals. 17. Fill that empty mailbox, make new friends, delight your postmaster, and selflessly lead others to riches with a few "MAKE MONEY FAST" posts. 18. Attempt to sell your sweaty underwear in alt.clothing.lingerie. 19. Follow up a 200-line post to add only your signature. 20. Crosspost Amiga articles to the Mac and PC newsgroups for a valuable interchange of provocative ideas. 21. Announce a mailing list for Bill Gates' VISA card number. 22. Inform the readers of alt.sex that your friend at a particular address is taking a penis length survey, and the first 1000 people to send him their measurements will receive free naked pictures of Cindy Crawford. 23. Correct every spelling mistake you encounter, but misspell the word "imbecile" in your followup flames. 24. Flame yourself, and complain to your own postmaster. 25. Ask readers of the Star Trek groups when they last had dates. 26. Post personal ads on groups such as alt.sex.diapers listing your work phone number. 27. Post under the name Dave Rhodes. 28. Followup every post in a newsgroup ranking them on a scale from 1 to 10. 29. Establish your own little Usenet niche by writing a Wink Martindale FAQ. 30. Advise other readers to ftp to 127.0.0.1 for "really cool nudie pics". 31. Post daily word searches to rec.puzzles. 32. Post your trig homework to sci.math and ask the readers to e-mail you the answers, since you "don't read the group". 33. Provoke insightful and productive debates on fresh new topics such as abortion, gun control, the existence of God, penile circumcision, and the relative superiority of Mac or PC operating systems. 34. Pick a cutesy handle that inspires vicarious embarrassment in other readers, such as "SoHot4U", "SokSnifer", or "WetNWild". 35. Maintain a high-level of constructive decorum by addressing someone with whom you disagree as "monkey boy". 36. Inform the readers of the sex groups that they're "going straight to hell", and then proceed to followup a variety of titillating posts. 37. Post to alt.folklore.urban that this guy that a friend of your uncle's ex-girlfriend's boss knew received the donated heart of River Phoenix. 38. Relentlessly inform the readers of groups such as rec.pets.iguanas or sci.agriculture of your UFO, JFK, OJ, NRA, NSA, Nutrasweet, and Azeri genocide theories. Relate them all to sunspot activity and ancient astronauts. 39. Post instructions telling other readers how to put you in their killfile. 40. Post whining, misspelled, and vaguely creepy personal ads in wildly inappropriate newsgroups, and followup to berate the readers for not responding. 41. Announce that a particular site has opened up a new combination OJ Jury Info/Homemade Bombs/Kiddie Porn/Scientology Documents/Computer Subliminal Hypnosis ftp archive. 42. Construct a device that lets your pets post to Usenet by pawing or pecking a feeder bar. 43. Post the Niemann Marcus cookie recipe to rec.food.recipes. 44. Eliminate nearly all meaningful traffic on a newsgroup for weeks by challenging its readership to come up with as many synonyms as possible for the word vomit. 45. Accuse other posters of being AI experiments, Perl scripts, or Emacs macros. 46. Claim that you can see "hidden images" in another person's posting when you cross your eyes. 47. Ask Austrian readers about kangaroos. 48. Ask Australian readers about alpine skiing. 49. Include Rush lyrics or Rush quotes in all your posts. 50. Accuse female posters of being male. 51. Make an anonymous posting accusing others of cowardice. 52. Accuse a fellow AOL or Prodigy subscriber of being a "newbie" because their 3 months on the net are dwarfed by your own span of 4. 53. Insist that anyone objecting to your compulsive fascination with consuming the flesh of strangled disabled minors is "judgemental". 54. If you've grown tired of typing, effectively end a thread by accusing others of being Nazis. 55. Ask readers of soc.culture.nordic whether the Swedish Chef has a Sampo. 56. Write and regularly post a FAQ about yourself. 57. Post graphic descriptions of your bowel movements, genital sores, and various suppurating wounds to alt.tasteless. 58. Ask readers of sci.med for urgent, step-by-step instructions on removing arrows, or inquire why all your extremities have turned dark purple. 59. Insist that there's no such state in the U.S. as "New Mexico". 60. Post only in Esperanto. 61. Claim a copyright on the word "Usenet", and followup with a bill all posts you encounter that contain it. 62. Sell "posting permits" in news.announce.newusers. 63. Post single-part text messages in MIME format. 64. Ask the readers of rec.sewing whether any of them want to be the drummer for your new band, "Death Monkeys". 65. Claim to be an amorous highschool cheerleader while posting under a name such as "Robert Bradley Smith, Jr." 66. In the spirit of purest optimism, ask other readers to followup with their account passwords and credit card numbers. 67. Why use a single question mark or exclamation point when you can use at least thirty?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? 68. List a cute organization name in your header, such as "Canadians for Global Warming". 69. Insult a poster from another nation based on his country's performance in World War II. 70. Post vitriolic, frothing, hair-trigger flames in polite newsgroups, as if you were a testosterone-crazed adolescent debating which shotgun is superior in alt.games.doom. 71. Followup spam posts in the belief that the originator, who probably follows the group closely and is desperately curious about receiving feedback, will see your impassioned plea and be so moved by your lengthy, point-by-point indictment of their conduct that they pledge to desist from such activity for all time. 72. Regardless of its accuracy, followup another post with the line "BZZZT! Wrong answer!" or "Hello! McFly!" 73. Use a 120-line ASCII graphic of Spock as your signature. 74. Post to soc.culture.women asking "what's your favorite brand of oven mitt, little ladies?" 75. Post to news.annnounce.newusers asking if there are any nurses in Portland willing to spank you. Followup with an apology. Followup again with the original article. 76. Post with a newsreader that replaces punctuation marks with strange, non-ASCII characters. 77. Steer all debates to your own pet subjects of expertise, regardless of their relevance. 78. Make it clear from your postings that you've a profound inability to distinguish "The X Files" as fiction. 79. Insist that another poster is really Serdar Argic or Kibo. 80. Post 20-part encoded image files from NASA ftp archives that you claim show clear evidence of alien settlements. 81. Insinuate vague conspiracies in all your posts. 82. Spam post alarming ten-year-old files about Congressional bills to tax modem usage "in the name of freedom". 83. Claim that unidentified government agencies are censoring your posts. 84. Ask readers to collect aluminum pop-tops on behalf of Craig Shergold. 85. Ask readers of comp.sci.algorithms how to get Super Mario to the castle. 86. POST IN ALL CAPS 87. omit all punctuation 88. omitallspaces 89. DOALLTHREEOFTHEABOVE 90. Ask the readers of alt.current-events.net-abuse where to purchase Cantor and Siegel's book. 91. Post the phone number of the Michigan Militia to alt.conspiracy as the "Classified ATF Secret Hotline". 92. Compose an exhaustively researched 15-part FAQ detailing the favorite movie musicals of relatives of the Deep Space Nine cast. Post it weekly in its entirety. 93. Strive to ensure that no two consecutive words in your posts are correctly spelled. 94. Enrich the lives of thousands with a thoughtful and impassioned debate on the topic "AOL users suck". 95. Dispense essential and priceless financial advice, such as the assertion that no one is legally required to pay taxes. 96. Demand that others cease using the letter e, as you find it "dply offnsiv". 97. Post to rec.music.misc insisting that "Curt Kobain should leave Pearl Jam since they'll never tour again." 98. Assume that the entire Usenet hierarchy shares your interest in helping lonely Ukrainian lasses find love. 99. Followup another person's posts every twelve minutes to accuse them of "obsessing". 100. Followup two dozen of another person's posts to accuse them of harassing you. Send copious e-mail if you're ignored. 101. Start pointless debates over topics such as whether Whoopi Goldberg has eyebrows, what happens when you cross the International Dateline, and whether the bad guy in Popeye cartoons was named "Bluto" or "Brutus". ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ (Interviewer): "Gary Kasparov, you've just beaten the world's most powerful chess computer, what are you going to do next?" (Kasparov): "I'm going to http://www.disneyworld.com" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ From the 1/26/96 editorial page of the Manchester Union Leader, with credits to the Western Journalism Center: In the New Mexico Legislature's 1995 session, Sen. Duncan Scott, a Republican from Albuquerque, proposed an amendment to a psychologist regulatory bill offered by another senator. The Scott amendment would have dramatically changed the face of New Mexico's legal system: The amendment said: ``When a psychologist or psychiatrist testifies during a defendant's competentcy hearing, the psychologist or psychiatrist shall wear a cone-shaped hat that is not less than two feet tall. The surface of the hat shall be imprinted with stars and lightning bolts. ``Additionally, a psychologist or psychiatrist shall be required to don a white beard that is not less than 18 inches in length, and shall punctuate crucial elements of his testimony by stabbing the air with a wand. Whenever a psychologist or psychiatrist provides expert testimony regarding a defendant's competentcy, the baliff shall contemporaneously dim the courtroom lights and administer two strikes to a Chinese gong.'' The bill, with the wizard amendment, passed the Senate by voice vote and cleared the House 46-14. Unfortunately, Gov. Gary Johnson vetoed the legislation. [Note - reprinted by permission of the Manchester Union Leader and the Western Journalism Center. My thanks to them and to Dave Bakken for obtaining permission - ed] ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Here's one of my favorite anecdotes from my teaching career that I like to share with others. It's a true story. One day while we were studying the solar system in my fifth-grade class one of the students posed an intriguing question about comets. Because I like to show the class that learning is a fun, lifelong process, I told the young gal, "That's an excellent question. I don't know the answer. I wonder where we could find out." Her response was sincere disbelief. "You don't know? I thought teachers were supposed to know *everything*!" A slow grin crept over my face as I prepared to give my "learning is a life-long process" speech. But before I could get a word out a student from across the room blurted out, "Yeah, but he's only a fifth-grade teacher." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school's soccer team to an "away game". They stop for a rest break, and to let the kids work off some energy with a little impromptu practice in a nearby pasture. The teacher is sitting in a nearby diner, explaining to another patron how it is that blind kids can play soccer. "We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it's doing by listening for it. They're pretty good at it too." "Very clever!" remarks the other patron. Just then they are interrupted as another patron, who is looking out the window, says, "Hey! Are you the guy with those damn blind kids from the bus?" "Yes," says the teacher, stung by the way "his" kids are being refered to, "what about it? You got something against blind kids?" "Nothing, ordinarily," says the guy, still scowling out the window, "but you better get them rounded up quick! They're kicking the hell out of my best milk cow!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ I was reading my animal behavior book, and came upon a picture caption which started : "Male copulatory eagerness in elephant seals is exploited by human researchers...." Frankly I didn't think even scientists were that hard up for a date. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ PARAMOUNT PICTURES & MICROSOFT PRESENT --- THE --- --- STAR TREK --- --- WRITER'S CONSTRUCTION KIT --- --- FOR WINDOWS 95 --- Announcing the launch of the latest version of TSTWCK, a 32-bit application specifically designed to take advantage of the new WINDOWS 95 operating system. With this plug-in module for WORD95 & MS WORKS, you can now create your very own scripts for submission to Paramount! All the features of the previous version: * AutoTechnoBabble(TM) If your scripts are too heavily weighted towards character development, or your plot threads are getting too complex, then simply drag an outline around the offending section of your script, click the spanner icon and hey-presto! Instant technobabble filler for your script! Who says EPS power taps and phased warp plasma relays can't be exciting? * Excitement Removal Wizard(TM) It happens all the time. You've written a script full of dynamic action sequences and breathtaking battle scenes, only for Paramount to announce budget cuts for the next season. Just one click of the JeriTaylor icon(TM) allows you to remove these costly scenes, inserting tender one-on-one character- building dialogue sequences instead. * Character IntelliSense(TM) Have you written a blockbusting script for your favourite Star Trek character, pushing them to their emotional limits in a tense, nail-biting and heart-stopping fashion, only to find that Paramount have assigned you a boring Neelix or Nog-based episode? Character IntelliSense(TM) allows you to instantly re-assign key scenes for the characters Paramount have selected for you. Just click and go! Plus! New for WINDOWS 95: * Temporal Anomaly plug-in module(TM) Is your script lacking that one important detail that would set it apart from all the others? With this new plug- in module, even you can write exciting scripts up to the lofty standards of Brannon Braga, Rick Berman and Ronald D. Moore. Use the new Anomaly-Mapping Wizard(TM), featuring over 6000 different types of anomaly texture on CD. Make your time-phased warp interloop conduit stand out from the crowd! As used in the first season of Voyager. * DollyTart mode(TM) Is the current season suffering a massive ratings drop? Does your script lack that certain "pull" that other syndicated shows have in abundance? The new DollyTart mode will soon get bums back on seats by tarting up all the female characters in your script! High-heels? No problem. Dynasty wigs and shoulder pads? A mere mouse-click away! The STAR TREK WRITER'S CONSTRUCTION KIT lets *YOU* make the executive decisions on what's best for the characters of the show! * HoloWizard(TM) We've all been there before. It's two days before your deadline and your script is still a complete blank. What to do for inspiration! Scratch your head no longer, for the new HoloWizard(TM) is here. Simply OCR a page or two from your favourite classic literary work and paste it into the HoloWizard(TM). Within seconds, you have the basic structure for a Holodeck-based episode designed to fit *YOUR* specifications! If you lack the ability to OCR pages, then don't fear. HoloWizard(TM) comes with a built-in AutoBard(TM) patch, featuring the complete works of William Shakespeare, Arthur Conan Doyle, Jane Austen, H. G. Wells, Joseph Conrad and the Bronte sisters! Look out for more AutoBard(TM) patches on various FTP sites. * Sim Alien(TM) Specially designed by Maxis for the STAR TREK WRITER'S CONSTRUCTION KIT. Now you can play God with an entire DNA pool at your fingertips. Create your own race of militaristic bi-pedial aliens to terrify the Federation. After creating compound aliens with the DNA fragments of your choice, run the Lumps Editor(TM) to wrinkle the forehead, neck or nose of your new creation -- give your aliens that distinctive Star Trek touch! * AchillesHeel module(TM) Are your race of Sim Alien baddies proving to be too tough? Does the crew of the Enterprise, Voyager and Deep Space Nine find themselves constantly at odds with the overwhelming might of your favourite military faction? Fear not! Simply click the 'Hugh' icon and your alien adversaries will be reduced to mere quivering sheep. Options include faction sub-splitting, elemental aversion (as pre-tested on Doctor Who's cybermen) and our patented Last-Minute-Unfeasible-Achilles-Heel-Revelation(TM). Last minute addition! * Babylonian Gopher(TM) Is your script lacking the dynamic range of drama, character development and pacing found in rival sci-fi shows? Is your season of Star Trek fading into obscurity, overshadowed by the faultless quality of the competition? Then have no fear! The Babylonian Gopher(TM) will analyse every scene of every script in your current season and modify changes on a global level, implanting interlinking themes, fully-structured character development and ensuring that the story doesn't end when the credits roll. TSTWCK, developed by Paramount Pictures and Microsoft (with a little help from Mark Stevens & Christoper Wood). ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ "Good news for KISS fans. They announced today that they were going to start their first world tour in fifteen years. And they said it's gonna be just like the good old days. They're gonna be in full make-up, and they're gonna suck." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Imagine if you will... the leader of the fifth invader force speaking to the commander in chief... "They're made out of meat." "Meat?" "Meat. They're made out of meat." "Meat?" "There's no doubt about it. We picked several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the way through. They're completely meat." "That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars." "They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines." "So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact." "They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines." "That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat." "I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in the sector and they're made out of meat." "Maybe they're like the Orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage." "Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take too long. Do you have any idea the life span of meat?" "Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the Weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside." "Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads like the Weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through." "No brain?" "Oh, there is a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat!" "So... what does the thinking?" "You're not understanding, are you? The brain does the thinking. The meat." "Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!" "Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you getting the picture?" "Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat." "Finally, Yes. They are indeed made out meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years." "So what does the meat have in mind?" "First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the universe, contact other sentients, swap ideas and information. The usual." "We're supposed to talk to meat?" "That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there? Anyone home?' That sort of thing." "They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?" "Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat." "I thought you just told me they used radio." "They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat." "Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?" "Officially or unofficially?" "Both." "Officially, we are required to contact, welcome, and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in the quadrant, without prejudice, fear, or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing." "I was hoping you would say that." "It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?" "I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say?" `Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?" "Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact." "So we just pretend there's no one home in the universe." "That's it." "Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you have probed? You're sure they won't remember?" "They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them." "A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream." "And we can mark this sector unoccupied." "Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?" "Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations ago, wants to be friendly again." "They always come around." "And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the universe would be if one were all alone." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Last Saturday, I was watching with my wife, my sister, and my brother- in-law when a commercial came on for President Bill Clinton, which said something like: "Bill Clinton has the knowledge and the know-how to get things done. He will reduce the deficit, balance the budget, create jobs, decrease teen pregnancy--" My brother-in-law scoffed: "And just how is he going to decrease teen pregnancy?" To which I replied, "Maybe he'll stop going home to Arkansas." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The Unabomber suspect has been given Internet access. If you think he's pissed off now, wait till he starts having to read all that "Turn $5 into $5000" shit. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday ca$h I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my wallet is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting upset with me. ME: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go." IT: "Is that it?" ME: "Yep." IT: "That'll be $1.04, eat here?" ME: "No, it's *to* *go*." [I hate effort duplication.] At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and IT: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back." He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them. IT: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?" MG: "No. A what?" IT: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me." MG: "Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL." IT: "Yeah, thought so." He comes back to me and says IT: "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?" ME: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?" IT: "I don't know." ME: "See here where it says legal tender?" IT: "Yeah." ME: "So, shouldn't you take it?" IT: "Well, hang on a sec." He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to shoplift, and IT: "He says I have to take it." MG: "Doesn't he have anything else?" IT: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change." MG: "I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE." IT: "What should I do?" MG: "Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money." IT: "I can't tell him that, you tell him." MG: "Just tell him." IT: "No way, this is weird, I'm going in back." The manager approaches me and says MG: "Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night." [it was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall with 100 other stores.] ME: "Well, here's a two." MG: "We don't take *those* either." ME: "Why the hell not?" MG: "I think you *know* why." ME: "No really, tell me, why?" MG: "Please leave before I call mall security." ME: "Excuse me?" MG: "Please leave before I call mall security." ME: "What the hell for?" MG: "Please, sir." ME: "Uh, go ahead, call them." MG: "Would you please just leave?" ME: "No." MG: "Fine, have it your way then." ME: "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?" At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45 year oldish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a whisper] SG: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?" MG: "This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money." SG: "Really? What?" MG: "Get this, a *two* dollar bill." SG: "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?" [incredulous] MG: "I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has is a fifty." SG: "So, the fifty's fake?" MG: "NO, the $2 is." SG: "Why would he fake a $2 bill?" MG: "I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?" SG: "Yeah..." Security guard walks over to me and says SG: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use." ME: "Uh, no." SG: "Lemme see 'em." ME: "Why?" SG: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?" At this point I was ready to say, "SURE, PLEASE," but I wanted to eat, so I said ME: "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill." I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says SG: "Mike, what's wrong with this bill?" MG: "It's fake." SG: "It doesn't look fake to me." MG: "But it's a **$2** bill." SG: "Yeah?" MG: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?" The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue. My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things, too. Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. At least you get free food. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Your Starship Captain just might be a redneck if... - your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month - he paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles - you have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob" - he refers to Klingons as "Critters" - he refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns" - he has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil - he installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section - he says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies" - he hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen - he rewires his communicator into his belt buckle - he keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it - he says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage" - he has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser - he insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba" - he sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster" - he programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens - he paints the starship John Deere green - he refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special" - he refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp" - his moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale - he sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen" - his idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls - he wears mirrored shades on the Bridge - his idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies - he sets phaser to "Cajun" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The maintenance department at our factory has posted the below sign in various places around the plant: "If you find something that doesn't work, be a team player and report it to ext 3301 or 3302. We appreciate your feedback." I have thus far reported my boss and several coworkers, but have yet to see any results. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ This is a true story, as told by my father, whose sister worked in the ININ. It is called "The Moshinsky Maneuver": At one point, in Mexico's National Institute of Nuclear Research (ININ), instead of appointing a scientist as head of the Institute (as was traditional), the president appointed an administrator. The new Director promptly enacted all sorts of administrative procedures and forms that had to be filled by every department. In particular, he announced that every Department Head had to file a weekly Activities Report, and a weekly "Projected Activities for the Coming Week" report, both to be delivered during a weekly Department Head meeting with the Director. Dr. Marcos Moshinsky was then the head of the Theoretical Physics Department. This is how he dealt with the announcement: At the first weekly meeting, the Theoretical Physics Dept. presented the following report: "During the past week, the Theoretical Physics Dept. worked on solving the following differential equations:" and then followed two pages of hand-written differential equations. "During the coming week, the Theoretical Physics Dept. hopes to solve the following differential equations:" and then followed three pages of hand-written differential equations. The Head of the Institute announced the next morning that the Theoretical Physics Dept. was excused from the weekly meetings, and could present only one report every six months. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The Erotic Bakery, in Seattle, Washington, specializes in cakes decorated with chocolate curls and marzipan models of, well, you know...let's just say they live up to their name. On the readerboard in the window: "Together we can lick pornography." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ This happened today. A neighbor called for some PC advice, and after hearing her error messages I told her she had run out of memory. She complained that this couldn't be the problem, because when she had gotten the same error message just moments before, so she had reset the word processor to single-spaced lines..... so she would only use half as much memory. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The history of the universe in 200 words: Quantum fluctuation. Inflation. Expansion. Strong nuclear interaction. Particle-antiparticle annihilation. Deuterium and helium production. Density perturbations. Recombination. Blackbody radiation. Local contraction. Cluster formation. Reionization? Violent relaxation. Virialization. Biased galaxy formation? Turbulent fragmentation. Contraction. Ionization. Compression. Opaque hydrogen. Massive star formation. Deuterium ignition. Hydrogen fusion. Hydrogen depletion. Core contraction. Envelope expansion. Helium fusion. Carbon, oxygen, and silicon fusion. Iron production. Implosion. Supernova explosion. Metals injection. Star formation. Supernova explosions. Star formation. Condensation. Planetesimal accretion. Planetary differentiation. Crust solidification. Volatile gas expulsion. Water condensation. Water dissociation. Ozone production. Ultraviolet absorption. Photosynthetic unicellular organisms. Oxidation. Mutation. Natural selection and evolution. Respiration. Cell differentiation. Sexual reproduction. Fossilization. Land exploration. Dinosaur extinction. Mammal expansion. Homo sapiens manifestation. Animal domestication. Food surplus production. Civilization! Innovation. Exploration. Religion. Warring nations. Empire creation and destruction. Exploration. Colonization. Taxation without representation. Revolution. Constitution. Election. Expansion. Industrialization. Rebellion. Emancipation Proclamation. Invention. Mass production. Urbanization. Immigration. World conflagration. League of Nations. Suffrage extension. Depression. World conflagration. Fission explosions. United Nations. Space exploration. Assassinations. Lunar excursions. Resignation. Computerization. World Trade Organization. Internet expansion. Composition. Extrapolation? ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A man called his mother in Florida. He said to his mother, "How are you doing?" She said, "not to good." I've been very weak. The son then asked why are you so weak? She said because I havn't eaten in 38 days. The son then asked, how come you havn't eaten in 38 days. She said, because i didn't want my mouth to be filled with food when you called. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Just wondered if you heard about the reaction of Nelson Mandela when told about Mad Cow Disease. He's reported to have said "And what's Winnie been up to now!!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ There is one, and only one, fundamental proof of the pro- position that computers belong to the temporal rather than the spiritual realm. If God were a computer programmer, the follow- ing scripture would be displayed on the wall of every cubicle in Silicon Valley: I am /unix, thine operating system, which have brought thee forth out of thy bondage to machine code, out of the days of the front panel; thou shalt run no other operating system above me, beneath me, or beside me. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven core image in binary, nor in octal, nor in hexadecimal; thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor program in them, for my kernel is a jealous kernel, visiting the core dumps of the parent process upon the third and fourth gener- ations of them that defile my system calls, but shew- ing mercy unto thousands of them who love lint and read my man pages. Thou shalt not take the name of superuser in vain: for /unix will not hold him guiltless that invoketh super- user's name in vain. Remember the sabbath day, to keep me wholly archived. Six days shalt thou edit, and do all thy compiles; but the seventh day is the sabbath of the system admini- strator, who shall earn time and a half therefor: In it, thou shalt suspend all user processes, and create my weekly tar dumps. Honour thy parent process and thy process group, that thy connect time may be prolonged, and that thine exit status may be zero. Thou shalt not kill init. Thou shalt not adulterate my system files. Thou shalt not steal any material proprietary to, or under license or sublicense by, or protected by copy- right or trademark of, Unix System Laboratories or the vendor of thine implementation. Thou shalt not bear false witness on thy local host by running setuid programs across the network. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's workstation, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's doc set, nor his uid, nor his gid, nor any hardware nor software that is thy neighbour's. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ We've been looking for a person to join our Embedded Systems Software Team for months without any luck. Finally, the reason dawned on me: Well, we've had a George on the team for a while. We recently added a Paul and a John. Do you know how hard it is to find a Ringo with both Software and Hardware experience? ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ I read in a newspaper yesterday that in the northern territory of Australia a bill may soon be passed to legalise euthanasia. The process will be by a computer controlled lethal injection operated by the person wishing to die. In the process the user gets prompted thus: Continuing will mean that within thirty seconds you will receive a lethal injection and you will die. Do you wish to proceed Y/N? This has to beg the question, how reliable is the software? e.g. Continuing will mean that within thirty seconds you will receive a lethal injection and you will die. Do you wish to proceed Y/N? 30 29 28 27 26 25 24 23 22 21 20 19 18 17 16 15 14 13 12 11 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Module caused error code #1606 in lethlinj.sys. abort/retry/fail? ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ [Note - what follows are the best of the recent jokes regarding the crashing of a ValueJet airline in the Everglades. These jokes poke fun at a major tragedy. If such jokes offend you, don't read them - ed.] = = = = = = = Tried calling ValueJet to book a flight... Couldn't get through. They must be swamped. = = = = = = = what does one alligator say to the other alligator?? Not bad for airplane food = = = = = = = Anyone who owns goldfish knows how they learn to recognize your approach to the tank which often means feeding time. Upon seeing this last night, I got to wondering: Will the Crocodiles in the Everglades now start swimming to the surface every time a jet flies over? = = = = = = = "Metro-Dade Sgt. Felix Jimenez was wading with eight other divers when his probe struck the recorder concealed by murky water southeast of where the DC-9 crashed, killing all 110 aboard." = = = = = = = What are Caucasions, Mexicans, Cubans and Blacks considered in the Everglades? The four basic food groups. = = = = = = = Y'know, you've got to wonder what the aligators were thinking when that jet came down. Aligator 1: HEY! Who ordered the take-out? ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ On a recent flight to Washington, D.C., heard over the intercom system: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. We'll be reaching our cruising altitude of 30,000 feet shortly, at which time I will turn off the fasten seatbelt sign. This will also indicate to you that you may turn on any portable electronic devices you may have. Please note that this does include any hearing aids or pacemakers you may be wearing. Thank you and enjoy the flight." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A man was driving along in his mini and it broke down. He was parked on the verge trying fix it when a Jaguar pulled over in front of him and the man offered to help. After a few minutes they obviously weren't going to get it going so the Jaguar driver offered him a tow. They hitched up the mini and agreed that, if he was going too fast, the mini would blow his horn and flash his lights to get him to slow down and off they set. At the next traffic lights a Ferrari pulls up beside the Jaguar and revs his engine provocatively a few times. When the lights turn to amber the Ferrari and the Jaguar burn rubber and are both soon doing 140mph. After a while they go through a speed trap and the policeman, realising that he will need help to catch them, radios in for assistance saying: "You won't believe what I saw; a Ferrari and a Jaguar doing 140mph side by side and a mini behind them flashing his lights and blowing his horn trying to get past". ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A friend of mine was on the phone with a tech rep from another company. That tech rep called in to ask some questions about system setup, as the company this tech works for actually sells, installs and warranties systems. While they were on the phone, this tech rep received an incoming call, which he took after. When the caller hung up, the tech rep came back on the phone, laughing like a crazy person. This is the call he took: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ If Jesus was born today: Child advocates would remove the child from the custody of his mother when they discovered she was shacking with a guy (not the child's father) in a barn. In most jurisdictions that would constitute child neglect. Of course, Mary would have an underpaid court appointed attorney to represent her in the dependent-neglect proceeding, and Joseph would be out of luck once it was determined that paternity could not be established within a reasonable degree of medical certainty through blood or DNA testing. (97% probablilty that Joe was the dad is sufficient, but absent divine intervention, that couldn't happen, hmmm?) He would be excluded from juvenile court as a stranger to the proceeding and investigated for possible sexual deviance (all those oxen and asses around), and he would be told that he had no standing to object since he was not the natural father of the child and was not yet married to Mary (by their own admissions they had not yet consummated their union). The Division of Children and Family Services would ask the court to order Mary to take parenting classes, and the Court would order that homemaker services be provided as well, since obviously Mary can't keep house properly (the place where the DHS workers forund the child was kept remarkably like a barn). Mary would be allowed to have one visit with Jesus per week at the Centers for Youth and Families. The visit would be one hour long, and supervised by a therapist since Jesus would no doubt be put in therapeutic foster care to prevent psychological damage resulting from the horrible lack of civilization to which he had been exposed at such a tender age. At the eighteen month dispositional hearing, the court would consider terminating parental rights because of Mary's refusal to bring a paternity suit against Jesus' true biological father (or even to identify him to the satisfaction of the Court). The Court would be appalled at the life choices Mary would have made: she would have completed her marriage to Joseph (that suspected sexual deviant) and had more children by him, which was obviously contrary to Jesus' best interest. Since Mary and Joseph had fled the jurisdiction with Jesus once to escape encounters with the authorities, they would determine that Mary and Joe had nefarious plans to abscond with the Ward of the State to Egypt again, where they would possibly engage in dangerous and illegal activities with him. Parental rights would be terminated, and Jesus would be put up for adoption. He would be adopted by the Herods, a well-connected and politically powerful family, who have been searching for just such a child as Jesus. Of course, Jesus will die in the custody of his adoptive family, because that's all they wanted him for in the first place. Social services will NOT have intervened prior to his death because the state social workers could never imagine someone as highly placed as the Herods exploiting children or torturing them to death. The political ramifications for the Herods would have been too severe. In all likelihood, the social service agencies would cover up the death as one occurring from accident, and Herod's good name will be preserved. The Pope will be out of work, and pagan deities will dance on the head of a pin. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Recently, while stopped at a traffic light in the suburbs of Boston with an out-of-state friend, a police car pulled up next to us. On the side was written in large letters: "NEWTON POLICE." My friend's immediate response was, "I wonder what they do. Enforce the Law of Gravity, maybe?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The joke I am about to submit seems to be indigenous to Bulgaria - I've consulted a few New Zealanders (those guys seem to be even greater experts on sheep), and none knew that one. A young man grew fed up with modern life and decided to leave the big city and become a shepherd, spending months in the seclusion of the distant mountains alone with his thoughts and sheep. So he went up the high mountains where he found three older shepherds with a big flock of sheep, and asked them to show him the ropes. The shepherds agreed. The young man spent a week with them. One evening by the fire he asked casually,"So how do you guys get by with no women around here?" Said one of the men,"Why, with so many sheep around, who needs women?" The youngster shuddered: "Yak! How horrible! How can you...?" The three men only smiled and said nothing. Another week passed and one morning the young man realized that the tension in his groin had grown unbearable. He remembered what the men had said, and looking at the sheep, thought, "Hmm, why not after all...". He chose a moment when none of the older shepherds were around, and grabbed one of the nearest sheep. However, the others showed up in a minute, and seeing him with the sheep burst out laughing. "What? What?!!", shouted the young man, blushing. "You told me that's what you did yourselves, didn't you??!" "Yeah, sure! But to choose the ugliest one??!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Subject: Letter of Resignation Date: Wednesday, May 29, 1996 9:56AM It is with great sorrow that I must tender my resignation. As of 4:30 pm on June 21st, I will no longer be an employee of this great company. Although the time I have worked here has expanded my horizons, I feel it is time to move on. I undertake this with sincere regret. When I graduate from medical school (and even if I don't), I would feel honored to have all of my former fellow coworkers come in for either a free breast, prostate or rectal exam. Prevention is the best medicine. I will miss you all. God bless you. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ In honor of NBC and Microsoft's joint venture, I give you some of the rejected show titles and ideas for NBC's fall schedule. This Old Mainframe - Host Bob Vila revamps a Univac and shows you how you can turn an old PC into a functional doorstep or other decorative object. Name That Software - Contestants attempt to identify well-known business programs by looking at the least number of lines of code. My Three Suns - Neighbors wonder why Steve Douglas keeps three UNIX based work-stations in a suburban neighborhood. Wang Can Cook - Chef Charles Wang blends together software in an incomprehensible manner from companies he's purchased. Studio guests grudgingly pay ever higher prices for his creations. Leave it to Spindler - The Spindler tries to earn money by selling apples but finds he can't sell them for as much as he paid for them; tries to make it up in volume. Ward, June and the Board of Directors sigh. WordPerfect Strangers - Larry decides that using groupware would be a good way to meet women, but Balki's laser printer explodes ruining any chances of connectivity. Mayberry CPU - Andy discovers that his digital clock has more intelligence than Goober. Aunt Bee debugs Floyd's electronic cash register. The Honeymooners - Ralph dreams up a way to hit it rich with a 3-D word processor, but it turns out to be vaporware. Ed makes millions creating "Norton's Utilities". Mr. Rom's Neighborhood - Mr. Rom puts young ones to sleep by reading selections from various IBM documentation. Says Me Street - Muppet like forms of Bill Gates, Larry Ellison and Scott McNealy show children how to work and play together on the information highway. Large character known as Big BlueBird is a favorite of the kids although no one really knows why. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Apparently, an athlete has tested positive for a banned substance at the Atlanta Olympics already. Not anabolic steriods - oh, no, it was much, MUCH worse than that. He tested positive for Pepsi. [Atlanta is the home of Coca Cola, and as such, the Atlanta games are being touted as the Coke games.] ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ In a Sex Ed. lecture at Northern Arizona University, the professor was explaining that most of the makeup of sperm was basically Glucose (sugar). Almost as soon as the professor mentioned this fact, a female voice piped up from the back of the lecture hall "Well if it's mostly sugar, how come it always tastes so salty?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The rabbit runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. He drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing in the meadow again and the rabbit fell into the mud hole. The rabbit yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the rabbit did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Three British educational institutions were commissioned by the government to discover why the human penis is the shaped the way it is. Oxford University allocated a budget of #500,000 for research. After 2 years they concluded that the reason the head of the penis is wider than the shaft is that it fits better, when in situ, so to speak. This would prevent leakage of semen and increase the probability of successful fertilisation. Cambridge University spent #750,000 on a research programme that lasted 3 years. The results showed that the penis widened near the tip because it maximised the number of nerve endings stimulated during sex. This would lead to increased sensitivity and a better chance of impregnation. Finally, the Open University spent #2.50 on a copy of Playboy and 10 minutes in the staff toilet, only to discover that the penis widens at the tip in order to prevent your hand from slipping off the end. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ From American Legion Magazine, June 1996 When you have three young boys it is hard to know who to blame when something goes wrong in the house. One father explains how he solves the problem. "I just send all three to bed without letting them watch television. In the morning, I just go after the one with the black eye." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ CANONICAL LIST OF FULLDECKISMS A compendium of insults and "not all there" comments from various sources, beginning with rec.humor, April 1987. Criteria: Humorousness; uniqueness of essence (minimize redundancy); brevity; consistency; avoid gender bias, ethnic slurs, and other really offensive material; keep in sorted order with correct spelling and grammar. To count entries, run the rest through: tab=' '; sed "/^$tab[ $tab]/d" | wc -l "Body by Fisher -- brains by Mattel." $HOME = /dev/null. 3K RAM free, no EMS. A .22 caliber intellect in a .357 Magnum world. A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth. A 20th century man... The guy has no future. A 3.5-inch drive, but data on punch cards. A black-and-white mind working on a color-coded problem. A brain like a BB in a boxcar / box of Corn Flakes. A butter knife in a prime rib world. A day late and a dollar short. A deadbolt with a broken cylinder. A flash of light, a cloud of dust, and... What was the question? A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. A hop, skip, and jump from success, but to get there he'd have to give up chewing gum. A kangaroo loose in her top paddock. A lap behind the field. A legend in his own mind. A little light in his loafers. (Apparently offensive to some? Sorry.) A looney tune. A medical mystery. A mental midget with the IQ of a fencepost. -- Tom Waits A mind as empty as the sleeping pill concession at a honeymoon hotel. A mind like wet tennis shoes... Makes squishy noises when running. A modest little person, with much to be modest about. -- Churchill A natural talent for finding subliminal messages in ice cubes. A Neanderthal brain in a Cro-Magnon body. A notch off the timing mark. A one-bit brain with a parity error. A pacifist out of necessity in a battle of wits. A peripheral visionary. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on. A poor excuse for protoplasm. A prime candidate for natural deselection. A quart low. A return with no gosub. A room temperature IQ. A semitone flat on the high notes. A square with only three sides. A teapot with a cracked lid. A titanic intellect... In a world full of icebergs. A vacuum-tube brain in a microchip world. A VGA card and a Herc monitor. A victim of retroactive birth control. A violin minus the bow. A walking argument for birth control. A wind-up clock without a key. About half smart. Afraid she'll void her warranty if she thinks too much. Airhead / bubble-brain. Aliens zapped him with a stupidity ray -- twice. All booster, no payload. All crown, no filling. All foam, no beer. All hammer, no nail. All hat and no cattle. All he remembers about his middle name is the first letter. All his eggs in the same basket. All his learning curves look like Mount Everest. All icing, no cake. All lime and salt, no tequila. All missile, no warhead. All of his bytes are odd. All shot, no powder. All the lights don't shine in her marquee. All the personality of linoleum flooring / plasticene / putty / caulking / saran wrap / a bowl of oatmeal / a plastic spoon. All the sex appeal of a wet paper bag. All wax and no wick. Alphabetizes junk mail / T-shirts / canonical lists. Always in the right place, but at the wrong time. Always loses battles of wits because he's unarmed. Always needs to have jokes explained. Always responds to "Make Money Fast" postings on the Net. Always sharpening his sleeping skills. Always speaks her mind, so usually she's speechless. An 8080 in a 68000 environment. An alligator. (All mouth, no ears.) An Apple //e on UUCP. An early example of the Peter Principle. An ego like a black hole. An example of how the dinosaurs survived for millions of years with walnut sized brains. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. An expert on the historical significance of cottage cheese. An inch short and a stroke early. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. An XT clone in a Pentium zone. Ano-fossal ambiguity. (Can't tell his ass from a hole in the ground.) Another engineering prototype that should not have been shipped. Answers the door when the phone rings. Any similarity between him and a human being is purely coincidental. Any slower and he'd be in reverse. -- Gignac As a baby his parents stood him on his soft spot. As bent as a corkscrew. As bright as a nightlight / small appliance bulb / tulip bulb. As focused as a fart. As happy as if he had brains. As happy as the village idiot. As much use as a back pocket in a vest. (Very English.) As much use as a lead parachute. As popular as a French kiss at a family reunion. As quick as a corpse. As rare as a nine bob note. (Very English.) As sharp as a marble / bowling ball / beachball / pin head / wet sponge / bowl of Jello / mashed potato sandwich, and twice as smart. As sharp as a bag of wet mice. -- Foghorn Leghorn As smart as a politician/lawyer is honest. As smart as bait / an automatic email responder script. As smart as Christie Brinkley is ugly. As thick as champ. (Irish; champ is mostly mashed spuds and cabbage.) As thick as two short planks / two half bricks. As worn out as a cucumber in a convent. Attic's a little dusty. Back burners not fully operating. Bad spot on the disk. Baler done run out of twine. Bandwidth limited. Barney's his hero. Bats have flown the belfry, and now he's all alone. Bats in the belfry. Batteries not included. Been napping in front of the ion shield again. Been one too many times through the wormhole. Been playing with his wand too much. Been playing with the pharmacy section again. Been short on oxygen one time too many. Been using her head as a mass driver. Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner. Blew his O-rings. Blew the hatch before the lock sealed. Blocked one too many hockey pucks / soccer balls / punches with his head. Blown/leaking head gasket. Born a day late and like that ever since. Born during low tide in / swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool. Born too late -- he'd have been a great Neandertal. Born ugly and built to last. Both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat. Brain is running on empty. Brain like a hard drive with no read/write head. Brain permanently in power saving / 8-bit mode. Brain transplant donor. Bright as a Zippo lighter without a flint. Bright as Alaska in December. Bright as an acetylene torch -- without an oxygen supply. Brings binoculars to submarine races. Broadcasts static. Bubbles/leaks in her think tank. Buddy breathing with himself. (SCUBA term.) Built a special showcase for his herd of pet rocks. Busier than a one-armed paper hanger. Busy as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest. Caboose seems to be pulling the engine. Cackles a lot, but I ain't seen no eggs yet. Calling her stupid would be an insult to stupid people. Calling him a pea brain would be an undeserved compliment. Calls people to ask them their phone number. Can be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff. Can discern facts and form predictions with the acumen of an economist. Can easily be confused with facts. Can only remember her old passwords. Can only shoot pool with a left-handed cue stick. Can't count his balls and get the same answer twice. Can't distinguish jacking off and stropping a razor. Can't find his ass with two hands and a periscope/compass/flashlight/ bloodhound/GPS receiver (in a locked closet). Can't find his couch in the living room. Can't find log base two of 65536 without a calculator. Can't program his way out of a for-loop. Car's only got three wheels, and one's going flat. Carrier wave unmodulated. Carries a tire gauge in her purse. Cart can't hold all the groceries. Cauliflower for brains. Changes hands and picks up a stroke. Charming as a carbuncle. Cheats when filling out opinion polls. Cheezwiz for brains. Chimney's clogged. Clock doesn't have all its numbers. Colder than a well-digger's ass in the Klondike. Collects cards for Craig. Communications with him is limited to ping. Confused as a baby in a topless bar. Consumes hard drugs as vitamins. Contributes to collections like this one without searching first to see if their little gem is already listed. Contributes to the population problem. Could be considered a plant if he developed photrophic motility. Could only be loved/missed if the minister read someone else's eulogy. Couldn't balance a checkbook if Einstein helped. Couldn't be shown that his ass was on fire with a flashlight and a three-way mirror. Couldn't count to 21 if he were barefoot and without pants. Couldn't figure it out if God gave him the instruction manual. Couldn't find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him. Couldn't get a clue during clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if he smeared his body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance. Couldn't get laid if he crawled up a chicken's rear end and waited his turn. Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel. Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn if he were standing inside. Couldn't hit water if he fell out of a boat. Couldn't organize a piss-up in a brewery. (Common in Australia.) Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. Couldn't tell which way the elevator was going if he had two guesses. Couldn't think/pee his way out of a paper bag. Couldn't write dialog for a porno flick. CPU is always in powersave mode. CPU not connected to the bus. Cranial cavity filled with neutronic matter. (Really dense.) Cranio-rectally inverted. Cunning as a dodo bird. Cursor's flashing but there's no response. Dealing with him is less fun than going to the dentist. Dealing with him is one angst worse than a blind date. Deep as her dimples / reflection in a mirror. Defective hard drive / boot sector. Dense as a London fog. Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas. Differently clued. -- Dave Clark Dock doesn't quite reach the water. Does aerobics... in his head. Does everything the hard way, like making love standing up in a hammock. Doesn't adjust for leap years. Doesn't consider his drive a slice unless it lands two fairways over. Doesn't have a fart's prayer in a hurricane. Doesn't have a round in every chamber. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash / cups in the cupboard / groceries in the same bag. Doesn't have all the dots on his dice / pens in her plotter. Doesn't have both oars in the water -- can't even find the damn boat. Doesn't have elastic in both of his socks. Doesn't have his belt through all the loops. Doesn't have sixteen annas to the rupee. Doesn't have the brain power to toast a crouton. Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker. Doesn't have two neurons to rub together. Doesn't just know nothing; doesn't even suspect much. Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. -- Billing Doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his balls. Doesn't know which side the toast is buttered on. Doesn't put the cross-hairs on the target. Doesn't quite sample at the Nyquist rate. Doesn't suffer from ear pressure when flying at altitude. Donated her body to science fiction. Donated her body to scientists... Before she was done using it. Downhill skiing in Iowa. Driveway doesn't quite reach the garage. Driving at night with the lights off. Driving with his tailgate down (and stuff is falling out). Driving with two wheels in the sand. Dropped his second stage too soon. Dumb as asphalt / dirt / a mud fence / a stump / a sack of hammers. Dumber than a chicken / box of hair/rocks. During evolution his ancestors were in the control group. Ears are redirected to /dev/null. Easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing. Echoes between the ears. Eight pawns short of a gambit. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor / penthouse. Elevator goes all the way to the top but the door doesn't open. Elevator is on the ground floor and he's pushing the Down button. End of season sale at the cerebral department. -- Gareth Blackstock Enjoys listening to telemarketers. Enough sawdust between the ears to bed an elephant. Even a two button mouse gives him too many options. Evidence for the theory of a missing link. Failed the Turing test. Fell out of the family tree. Fifty-one cards short of a full deck. Fighting the war with a starter pistol / water pistol / pop gun / cap gun. Finds a flat by swapping tires. Finds canonical humor collections amusing. Finds Sesame Street / knock-knock jokes challenging. Fired from McDonald's for having a short attention span. Fired her retro-rockets a little late. Flaky. Flat out like a lizard drinking. Flying on a cold shot. (Inadequate force from a steam catapult launch on an aircraft carrier.) Flying/landing on one engine. Focused like a 12 gauge shotgun. Fog rolled in the day he was born, and a bit of it never rolled out. Folds ace plus red jack hand when playing blackjack. For those who never forget a face, his is an exception. Foreign substances float in his cranial fluids. Forgot to pay his brain bill. Found his marbles, but is playing jacks with them. Four bits short of a full DEC. Four cents short of a nickel. Full of wisdumb. Full throttle, dry tank. Fur coat and no knickers. (Scottish expression.) Gasoline engine, diesel fuel. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. Gavel doesn't quite hit the bench. Gears grind/don't always mesh. Gets a charge out of pissing on electric fences. Gets her mail at an unknown zip code. Gets his orders from another planet. Gets hypnotized on the de-spun section. Gets parity errors under load. Gives a lot of bull for somebody what ain't got no cattle. Goalie for the dart team. God might still use him for miracle practice. God's favorite target for lightning strikes. Goes with the flow... He's a bed wetter. Good at quantum tunneling but not much else. Got a life, but wasn't sure what to do with it. Got his brains as a stocking stuffer. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching. Guillotining him would make only an aesthetic difference. Gyros are loose. Habits explainable if he was raised by wolves. Had a head crash. Half a bubble off plumb. -- attributed to Mark Twain Happiness is seeing her picture on a milk carton. Hard to distinguish from the tail end of a horse. Hard to tell if he has an ace up his sleeve or if the ace is missing from his deck altogether. Has a bus fault problem. Has a face only a mother could love -- but she hates it too. Has a few wait states. Has a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold them together. Has a leak in his ceiling. Has a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express. Has a pulse, but that's about all. Has a random memory fault. Has a slow clock. Has a sparse matrix. (Beware, "matrix" comes from the Latin "womb".) Has a two-bit operating system. Has all her bricks, but no cement holding them together. Has all the brains God gave a duck's ass. Has an inferiority complex, but not a very good one. Has an IQ one lower than it takes to grunt. Has change for a seven dollar bill. Has FINO (first in never out) memory. Has his brain on cruise control again. Has his solar panels aimed at the moon. Has it floored in neutral. Has lots of books, but all he does is lick the ink off the pages. Has no discretionary intellect. Has no upper stage. Has nothing to say, but delights in saying it. Has only one chopstick in the chowmein. Has over 1000 funny insults saved in a file, but can't remember any of them. Has resonance where others have brains. Has signs on both ears saying "Space for Rent". Has so few thoughts that when he free associates, it's like watching tennis. Has the attention span of an overripe grapefruit. Has the brains of a house plant. Has the Grand Canyon under the crew cut. Has the IQ of a salad bar / an ice cube / three below houseplant. Has the keen awareness of an ostrich in hiding. Has the mental agility of a soap dish. Has the personality of a snail on Valium. Has the same talent as Dr. Doolittle. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it. Hasn't caught on that X and Y are relative values. Hasn't got all his china in the cupboard. Hasn't got the brains God gave a cat. Hasn't lost his mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere. Having a party in his head, but no one else is invited. He came, he saw, he clutched. He can only type in upper case. He can push but he can't pop. He demonstrates that beauty times brains is a constant. He donated his brain to science but they made an early withdrawal. He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. He has a bad brains-to-balls ratio. He hasn't a single redeeming vice. -- Oscar Wilde He knows computers... He's not fit for contact with humans. He writes blank checks on a closed account. He'd be in big trouble if his wristwatch broke and he had to He'd screw up a two-car funeral procession. He's a General Protection Fault trigger. He's a man on a mission, but can't find his dossier. He's been invited to every party in town... Once. He's diagnosable. He's not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing. He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost. He's really into himself... His head is up his ass. He's so dense, light bends around him. He's so dense, the Titanic wouldn't sink in his head. Hears everything that a dog can. Hears more lyrics on records when they're played backwards. Her access time approaches infinity. Her ancestors came to this country looking for bananas. Her ass is sucking swamp gas. Her blender doesn't go past "mix". Her brain comes with single-bit error detection and half-assed error correction. Her brain has a corrupted filesystem / someone needs to run fsck on her brain. Her brain is more like a Rube Goldberg device than a computer. Her cache is incoherent. Her dentist went deaf from the drill's echoes. Her dialing thumb must be broken. Her ears serve the same function as holes in a dribble glass. Her files are compressed 100%. Her finals are burned out. Her head needs a periodic whack on the side. Her input pipe is broken. Her interrupt handler hit a loop. Her leads need resoldering. Her learning curve is fractal. Her lint trap is full. Her lists are unlinked. Her memory is truly random-access. Her mental function can be graphed with a single dot. Her mere presence causes parity errors, power fails, and head crashes. Her mind is not grounded to a logic supply. Her mind might have spontaneously combusted. Her mind would be unstable even mounted on a tripod. Her modem lights are on but there's no carrier. Her objects are not fully oriented. Her phone doesn't quite reach her desk. Her pool balls don't fit into the rack. Her random access is the same as her sequential access. Her sewing machine's been out of thread for some time now. Her ski lift doesn't go to the top of the hill. Her stack has been corrupted. Her synapses are about |that| far apart. Her system file has zero bytes. Her tires are a little low. Her wipers don't touch the glass. Her word length is zero bits. Hid behind the door when they passed out brains. High relative humidity... He's lost in a fog. His .sig is long, boring, and stupid, but it's the best part of his postings. His access light's on, but the drive isn't spinning / is still spinning up. His accumulator overflows at zero. His actual mileage varies. His antenna/radio doesn't pick up all the channels/stations. His boot block is in a bad sector. His brackets are mismatched. His brain could be the perfect dielectric. His brain was sold separately and they were out of stock. His brain would rattle around in a gnat's navel. His buffer is full. His clutch is slipping. His data bus stops for red lights. His deck has no face cards. His elevator is stuck between floors. His face is on a coin... On the edge. His family wasn't dysfunctional until he arrived. His freelist is empty. His future is behind schedule. -- Bob Thaves His gene line isn't just dead, it's extinct. His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons. -- Robin Williams His grades were so bad, after school he couldn't even get into prison. -- Shannon Sharpe His grey matter is brown / doesn't matter. His head whistles in a cross wind. His home page is out of order. His home planet is flat. His IQ is a false positive. His jack can't get the car off the ground. His mind is a few Hertz off its assigned frequency. His mind is great at error magnification. His mind is less substantial than the Emperor's new clothes. His mind is on vacation but his mouth is working overtime. -- Allision His mind is write-protected/write-only. His mind reached escape velocity and achieved orbit. His mind wandered and never came back. His motto is: Space, the final frontier. His mouth rarely makes calls to his brain. His outgoing message starts with, "Hello, Mr. Answering Machine." His page was intentionally left blank. His picture is in the dictionary under "zero". His pointers are null/uninitialized. His puzzle is missing a few pieces. His reaction time is longer than his attention span. -- Thaves His root file system isn't mounted. His seat back is not in the full upright and locked position. His shared libraries aren't installed. His signal-to-noise ratio is epsilon. His spark can't jump the gap. His spirit guide is a three-toed sloth. His stack's not very deep / he has an eight-byte stack. His strings aren't null-terminated. His strip is demagnetized. His system administrator is never in. His train tracks aren't quite parallel. His URL denies outside access. His watch dog is sleeping. His wisdom is stolen from bumper-stickers and T-shirts. Hitler's evil twin. Hyperspatially interconnected / permanently disconnected neural net. Hypnotized as a child and couldn't be woken. I wouldn't piss in his ear if his brain was on fire. I'd like to buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he's worth. If brains were bird droppings, he'd have a clean cage. If brains were dynamite, she wouldn't have enough to blow her nose / her hat off / the wax out of her ears. If brains were farts, he couldn't stink up the inside of a matchbox. If brains were gasoline, he wouldn't have enough to drive a dinky car around the inside of a cheerio. If brains were grains of sand, he couldn't fill a dixie cup. If brains were lard, he'd be hard pressed to grease a small pan. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate. If brains were water, hers wouldn't be enough to baptize a flea. If God tried to help him, we'd have an eight day week. If he didn't exist, he wouldn't be worth inventing. If he donated his brain to science it'd set civilization back 50 years. If he gets any denser, the geocentric theory of the universe will come true. If he had a lobotomy he'd depressurize. If he had another brain, it would be lonely. If he had brains, he'd take them out and play with them. If he had console lights, we would see only the idle loop patterns. If he had half a brain, his ass would be lopsided. If he were any brighter he'd be in the visible spectrum. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. If her brains were put in a hummingbird, it would fly backwards. If his brain were a hard drive, it would back up on a single floppy. If his brains were money, he'd still be in debt. If his IQ was two points higher he'd be a rock. If ignorance were bliss, she'd be orgasmic. If it's not in his horoscope/tea leaves, he doesn't take it seriously. If not for his scrotum, he would lose his balls. If sex appeal were dynamite, he couldn't blow the cobwebs off his balls. If she had a disk we could upgrade her with DOS 3.0. If she was any dumber, she'd be a green plant. If stupidity were a crime, he'd be number one on the Most Wanted list. If the government ever declared war on stupidity, he'd get nuked. If there were a merciful God he'd be dead by now. If they each had half a brain, they'd still only have half a brain. If they knock heads, implosion will suck all the air out of the room. If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable. If wit were shit, he'd be constipated. If you called him a wit, you'd be half right. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. Ignorant, and proud of it. Immune from any serious head injury. Immune to caffeine and all other stimulants. In a tub of Preparation H, he'd shrink down to thumb size. In his optimum environment, he'd be locked in a life and death struggle with mushrooms. In line for brains, thought they said pains, and said, "No, thanks". In line for brains, thought they said were handing out milkshakes, and he asked for "extra thick." In need of a ROM upgrade. In serious need of attitude adjustment. In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy store. In touch with her higher power, but out of touch with the rest of us. Includes a "thank you" note with her tax returns. Infinite space between her ears. Informationally deprived. Inhabits her own private timezone. Inspected by #13. Inspired the slogan, "A mind is a terrible thing to waste." Intellectually/synaptically challenged. Invented a pencil with an eraser on each end. Invented a submarine with a screen door. IQ = dx / (1 + dx), where x = age. IQ lower than a snake's belly in a wagon-rut. It's hard to believe he beat 100,000 other sperm. Just another flash in the bedpan. Keeps his imagination on a long leash. Kept an open mind -- and his brains fell out. Keywords: generalizations clue get Knitting with only one needle. Knows his sports, but his understanding is limited to violence. Landing with his gear/brain up and locked. Leaky sunroof. Left hand threaded. Left his booster on the launch pad. Left the store without all of his groceries. Leveled off before reaching altitude. Life by Norman Rockwell, but screenplay by Stephen King. Lightbulb over his head is burned out. Lights are on but nobody's home. Lights not burning too bright. Like a barometer -- vacuum at the top. Like a loose-leaf folder in winter. Like a one-armed man climbing a rope. Likes dunking for french fries. Little red choo-choo's gone chugging 'round the bend / jumped the track. Lives in La-la-land. Lives in the same world, but a different universe. Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum. Long on dry wall, short on studs. Looking for a nickel in the corner of a circular room. Looks for the "Any" key. Looks just like Bill Gates. Loose chip on the microprocessor board. Loose wire to his headset/ringer. Lost his marbles. Low on thinking gas. Low-bandwidth as an information source. Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps. Made a career out of mid-life crisis. Mainspring's wound too tight. Makes a black hole look bright. Makes predictions that make weathermen/economists look good. Memorized every Dr. Seuss story written. Mental software is Version 1.0 / still in beta test. Mentally qualified for handicapped parking. Metronome needs oil. Might still be a virgin except for what nature did to her mind. Mind like a steel sieve. Mind like a steel trap -- everything gets mangled / full of mice / nothing in, nothing out / rusted shut. Missed her last four scheduled tune-ups. Missing a few buttons on his remote control. Missing a few catalog cards / gears / marbles. Missing a layer of insulation in his attic. Monorail doesn't go all the way to Tomorrowland. Mooring lines don't reach the dock. More marbles in a spray-paint can than brains in his head. Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral. Moves his lips to pretend he's reading. Must have ignored a knock-down pitch. Nearly on a higher plane, but lost his boarding pass. Needs a checkup from the neck up. Needs another brain to make half-wit. Needs both hands to wipe his behind. Needs front end alignment. Needs his disk checked/reformatted. Needs his sleeves lengthened by a couple of feet so they can be tied in the back. Network constantly loses packets. Neurons are firing non-sequentially. Never finishes a thoug Never had a headcold in her life since diseases can't exist in a vacuum. Never misses an episode of her screen-saver. Next-day delivery in a nanosecond world. -- Van Jacobson Nice house but not much furniture / nobody lives there. Nine pence in the shilling. Nine rooms; no furniture. Nineteen cents short of a paradigm. No bubble in his gauge. (Refers to a submarine dive gauge.) No charge in her synapses. No coins in the old fountain. No filter in the coffeemaker. No grain in the silo. No hands on the rudder/yoke. No hay in the loft. No one at the throttle. No salt in his socks. (Land-lubber or green sailor.) No tar in his hemp. (Tar preserves a hemp (marijuana) line; this phrase means one has been smoking his rope.) No wind in her mind's windmills. Not all his dogs are barking. Not an idiot, but plays one in his life. Not as dumb as he looks, but that would be impossible. Not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us. Not done evolving yet. Not enough brain cells for the Prozac to be effective. Not enough brains to get anywhere NEAR the gutter. Not enough change to break a dollar/pound/deutschmark/yen. Not enough sense to come in out of the rain. Not enough sense to stay out in the rain. (Like a 60's flower child.) Not firing on all four/six/eight cylinders. Not firmly seated in the socket / screwed in tight. Not hard-docked. Not inflated to 90 PSI. Not Intel Inside. (Or, given Pentium problems, just: Intel inside.) Not much to show for four billion years of evolution. Not only rude, but ugly too. Not playing with / dealing from a full deck (-- not even in the game). Not running on full thrusters. Not shooting pool on a level table. Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree / light in the harbor. Not the full quid. Not the same since they took him off his medication. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer / tool in the shed / nail in the box. Not Turing equivalent. Not worth henshit on a pump handle. Not worth pissin' on. Not wrapped too tight. Nothing between the stethoscopes. Nothing on her radar. Numb as a post / pounded thumb. Number 'n a hake. (New England expression; a notoriously stupid fish.) Nutty as a fruitcake. Off by one. Off his rocker/trolley. Oil doesn't reach his dipstick. On permanent/unexcused leave of absence from his senses. On the batting end of a no-hitter. One bead short in her rosary. One bean short of chili. One beer short of a six-pack / a six-pack short of a case. One bird short of a flock. One bit short of a byte/word. One block short of a filesystem. One board short of a porch. One bomb/melon short of a full load. One boot stuck in the sand. One brick short of a wall/hod/load/pile. One bumper/rail short of a bank shot. One bun/donut short of a dozen. One car short of a chase scene. One card/marble short of a full deck. One chapter short of a novel. One chicken short of a henhouse. One chip short of a cookie. One chip short of a megabyte. One clearance short of landing/taking off. One clown short of a circus. One clue short of a solution. One cold solder joint. One color short of color-coordinated. One couplet short of a sonnet. One cup and saucer short of a place setting. One cylinder short of a full re-format. One diamond short of a ring. One dimension short of reality. One doughnut short of being a cop. One drool bib short of neat and tidy. One drop short of an empty bladder. One ear short of a bushel. One feather short of a whole duck. One fish short of a string. One flower short of an arrangement. One flying buttress short of a cathedral. One foot in the future, one foot in the past, pissing on the present. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Heard this on National Public Radio (on the subject of entrepreneurs hawking their product outside the Olympic village): The Atlanta Olympics Association (not sure of the exact name of the association) is very tight/ finicky and licenses everything - product, logos, ideas etc. on T-shirts, caps, pins - related to the Olympic games. In fact, all phrases related to Atlanta such as Atlanta 96, Atlanta Olympics etc. except the word Atlanta itself is covered by the licenses. A representative of the AOA accosted one young entrepreneur selling a T-shirt with a picture of a blazing torch on it. When the AOA rep asked the young man to remove the picture of the torch from the T-shirt, pat came the quip, "I will if you remove the torch from the Statue of Liberty." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ This was published in the "Australian" newspaper in the 1970's, written by journalist Len Evans.I believe it was true. The captain's name was Rachel Heyhoe-Flint. A reporter was interviewing the captain of the English Womens Cricket team and asked her whether they used the same groin protection as the men did, which is commonly called a box. "Yes" she replied, "But we don't call it a box, we call it a man hole cover." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ This story was handed down from the "gold old days" and involved an ambulance driver from one of the local private services. They got a call for a "DOA" and went to the house where the patient was in fact dead. Of course back then, 25 or so years ago, pre hospital people were not allowed to make this decision. So, the crew tried to diplomatcally prepare the family for the bad news. The wife of the deceased kept asking if her husband was dead, and the crew kept telling her that they had no authority to make that decision. However, the wife wouldn't give up. So, in exasperation, the "ambulance driver" said, "Look, lady, I can't tell you he's dead, but if I were you, I wouldn't get him anything for Christmas that I couldn't return." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The FBI's prime suspect now is the security guard who originally found the bomb. This illustrates the criminological theory of "He who smelt it, dealt it." ------ The FBI is still investigating security guard Richard Jewell in the bombing at the Olympics last week. While agents were searching Jewell's former home and a rented storage shed, director Louis Freeh insisted that no accusations had been made and agents were merely following every possible lead presented to them. It's not easy tracing a bomb any idiot can make, especially with so many idiots in the greater Atlanta area, a great number of them tourists. Thank god no one's left a bomb like that in Congress. Speaking of which, the Anti-Terrorism talks in the House of Representatives which held so much promise for stronger anti-terrorist legislation, have been stalemated along party lines. Attempt to contain your disbelief. This event, unheard of in our generation, surely will not become a precedent. Such a hypothetical government would never be able to get anything done. We live in a much more practical society. In fact, here's an idea to prove it. Send this article to your local congressman, Democrat or Republican, and we'll watch them unanimously agree on legislation outlawing sarcasm. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ News Flash: Generallissimo Francisco Franco is still at Microsoft. In related news, Bill Gates has made an official statement that Microsoft is not planning to become a media corporation, and that the television news service MSNBC is "an anomaly." Mr. Gates, who has been described in those terms himself, promised that Microsoft would instead reach the public through its software. After installing Windows '95 once myself, this reporter considers that last statement a threat. The NASA experimental rocket Graham-Clipper, formerly known as the Delta Clipper Experimental Advanced, caught fire and exploded on its test flight this week. NASA program manager Dan Dumbacher stated,"We had a good flight until the landing. The problem came 20 feet above the ground when two of the landing gear did not work right." The landing gear which didn't work right, or, in fact, at all, caused the unmanned rocket to topple, catch fire and explode. On its previous test flight in June, the Clipper also caught fire, revealing the $50 million rocket a suborbital Zippo. The $900 million contract for the orbit-capable model has already been signed. Nicolas Villarruel of Denver, became yesterday the man with the most dangerous sneeze in the world. The 29-year-old assembly line worker was the victim of an industrial accident where a car airbag charge was forcefully jammed up his nose. Mr. Villarruel was rushed into surgery, surgery that had to be performed submerged in water as the charge was air-sensitive. Due to a certain miscalculation on the part of the doctors, the explosive was removed successfully roughly two minutes after Mr. Villarruel drowned. Resuscitation was successful; lawsuits are pending. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ When renting movies, my wife and I rely alot on the TV critics Siskel and Ebert. Many times their positive recommendation is summarized on the box of the cassette as "Two thumbs up". The other day we got to the adult section of a movie rental shop. My wife asked me jokingly "Are there any 'two thumbs up' here?" "No", I answered, "but there are a few "Two thumbs in". ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ My girlfriend related me this conversation which took place at her family's dinner table some months ago. Her sister was asking her father for money to buy a certain lingerie item, and the father was demonstrating his well-known thrift. SISTER: Dad, I need $10 for a new bra. FATHER: I'm not giving you $10 for anything, especially a bra! SISTER: My father doesn't give me any support! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$PżP$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ żżżżż$$Pż"ż4$$$4ż"żP$ż"ż4$$żż$$Pż"ż4$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$' ,s, `$` ,s, ,s, `$,,$' ,s, `$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$ $ $$$ $$$$$$ $$$$$$żż$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$ $ $$$ $$$$$$ $$$$$$ $ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$ $ $$$ $$$$$$ $$$$$$ $ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$ $ $$$ $$$$$$ $$$$$$ $ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$, `ż' ,$, `ż' ,$, 'ż` `ż' ,$ $, `ż' ,$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$ $$$$$$$$bs,sd$$$bs,sd$$$ds,sb$s,sd$$ss$$bs,sd$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$PżP$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$b. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$ $$$Pż"ż4$P$ $$$$$$$$$$Pż"ż4$$$żż$$Pż"ż4$PżPż"ż4$$$Pż"ż4$$ $$4ż"ż P$' ,s, `b$ $ $$$ $' ,s, `$$,,$' ,s, `b ,s, `$' ,s, `$ $` ,s, $$ $$$ $$ $ $$$ $ $$$$$$$żż$ $$$ $ $$$ $ $$$$$$ $ $$$ $$ $$$ $$ $ $$$ $$. "ż4$$$ $ $$$ $ $$$ $$. "ż4$$ $ $$$ $$ `ż' ,$$ $ $$$ $$$$s, `$$ $ $$$ $ $$$ $$$$s, `$ $ $$$ $$ s,sd$$$ $ $$$ $$$$$$ $$ $ $$$ $ $$$ $$$$$$ $ $, 'ż` $b, `ż' ,$$ 4, `ż' ,$, `ż' ,$$ $, `ż' ,$ $$$ $, `ż' ,$ $$ds,s$$$$$bs,sd$$$$$$$bs,sd$$$bs,sd$$$ss$$bs,sd$$$$$$$$$$$bs,sd$$ ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Q. Why don't women have brains? A. They don't have a penis to carry it around in. Q. What do you call a woman with no asshole? A. Divorced Q: What do you call a Raggedy Ann doll with gravel stuffed in her mouth? A: A cotton rocksucker! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ There is an opening for a secretarial position. The man conducting the interviews asks each candidate the same question. "What would you do if you found $100 lying on the floor in the office?" The first one says "I would post a sign saying that some money had been found, and try to find person who lost it." The second one says "I would lock up the money up in my desk, and if no one claims that they have lost any money, I would keep it." The third one says "I would turn it over to the building security." Do you know which woman got the job? The one with the big tits. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ PRESS RELEASE: Novell admits aiding Microsoft In a joint press conference early this morning, the Chief Executives of Microsoft and Novell revealed that their companies had been working together to increase Microsoft's dominance of the computer industry. In a secret partnership with Microsoft, Novell has been strategically acquiring Microsoft's major competitors in the software industry and ruining them. The relationship goes back a number of years, according to Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates. "[Digital Research's] DR-DOS 5.0 was ten times the operating system that MS-DOS 4.01 was. We couldn't even steal technology fast enough to compete. That was when we first contacted Novell." Under direction from Microsoft, Novell then purchased Digital Research, a small California company best known for its CP/M operating system. Novell CEO Bob Frankenburg continued, "We let the developers release DR-DOS 6.0, which unfortunately was a success, but then we jumped in with both feet. By the time we were done with it, Novell DOS 7 wouldn't even interoperate well with NetWare!" All development on Digital Research's product was subsequently halted in September 1994. Frankenberg also explained their second target. "When it became obvious that Windows NT wouldn't be able to hold a candle to Unix, it was agreed that Novell should buy Unix Systems Laboratories from AT&T to destroy it." The destruction of Unix was accomplished by Novell's pushing of the UnixWare abomination and by carefully planned licensing fiascoes. "Once the damage was complete, we pushed it off on SCO [Santa Cruz Operation] last month." The latest joint venture was the destruction of Microsoft's competition in the Windows application market. "Under the guise of creating a rival suite, Novell bought up Wordperfect and Quattro Pro," Gates explained. "With our direction, all OS/2 development was halted and significant bugs were introduced in the release cycle. [Microsoft] Excel wasn't half the spreadsheet that Quattro Pro was when Borland owned it, and look at us now!" Novell's intention to sell the PerfectOffice Suite was announced on October 30. "We're done," said Frankenberg. When asked about the prospect of competition from the new software giant created by the IBM/Lotus merger, Frankenburg replied, "We expect IBM to do a better job of destroying Lotus than we could have ever done." Many industry insiders were taken by surprise. "It explains a lot," said Hewlett Packard employee Mike Lund. "We never could figure out what the hell Novell thought they were doing with Unix." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ More daft definitions... ======================== Analog - Hors d'oeuvre, usually made from cheese and covered with crushed nuts. Backup - Current data errors that have been saved for future use. Binary - Possesing the ability to have friends of both sexes. Bit - 2 cents Buffer - Programmer who works in the nude Bug - Any type of insect. Byte - Painful wound inflicted by dogs, snakes, children etc. Coding - An addictive drug. Compile - A heap of decomposing vegetable matter. Computer - A device used to speed up and automate errors. Control Character - Any person who has money to spend for any reason. Crash - Logical conclusion of any Windows application Cursor - An Expert in four-letter words. Database - A special medium used to store errors, so that they can be processed and printed many times by the computer system. Somtimes called Input File or Data File. Debugging - Activities necessary to remove insects from any area where they are not wanted. Downtime - The time in which the computer rests while you sink into the lower depths of depression. (Downtime typically takes place while you are in the middle of your most important work on the computer.) Errors - The normal result of running a computer system. Hardware - 1) Boots, leather, studs, spikes and such. 2) The parts of a computer which can be kicked. Logic - Orderly path always followed by programs and errors. Loop - See Loop. Maintenance - Activities necessary to ensure that the system continues to produce errors and delay work efficiently. Password - The nonsense word taped to your terminal. RAM - A male sheep. ROM - A Ram after a delicate operation. Screen - The part of the computer where the errors are seen for the first time. It is also the part programmers love to break the most. The most ingenious and smart feature of the screen is that it can be turned off. Software - 1) Silk nighties, nylons, teddies etc. 2) Parts of computer that can not be kicked. Turbo - A mode in which the computer compiles the errors faster. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Nelson Mandela sitting at home hears a knock at the front door. Opening the door he discovers a young black with a truck in the driveway. "3000 carburettors for Mr Mandela." says the delivery driver. "There must be some mistake." replies Mr Mandela "I didn't order any car parts." "But I was told to deliver these to you, and I work for a hard white boss. If I take the parts back I will get a beating." pleads the driver. "Okay put the parts round the back. My secretary will sort it out later." responds Mandela. Some two hours later, another knock at the front door. Mandela opens the door to the same guy. "2500 distributors for Mr Mandela." announces the driver. "But I have not ordered any distributors." protests Mandela. "But sir it has your name on the delivery note, and if I take them back my boss will kill me!" begs the driver. "Okay okay put them round the back, I will sort it out later." instructs Mandela. Another two hours later another knock at the door. Mandela opens the door to the same guy. "2000 tyres for Mr. Mandela." states the driver. "This is crazy I didn't order any tyres. Let me look at the delivery note." Nelson Mandela studies the note, looks up at the driver and says "You stupid %@#! can't you read? This note says delivery to NISSAN MAIN DEALER". ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Priest: When I was younger a beautiful young girl of my congregation approached me with a question. She said "Father, what is the churches stand on Felatio", and I replied "My child I would love to answer your question, but I don't know what felatio is" and so she showed me and so now whenever a beautiful member of my congregation asks "Father, what is the churches stand on felatio?" I always reply "I would love to answer you my child, but I don't know what felatio is." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Lady Diana and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in. St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity." St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Diana the same question. Diana drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, "OK, Diana, you may go in. Have a nice day." Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, and she gets in and I don't?!!!" "Sorry, Dolly, but a royal flush beats a pair any day." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄHello All! A gentleman went to see his doctor concerning a nagging elbow. After waiting in the waiting room for an hour, nurse Maggie finally appeared and asked the gentleman for a urine sample. "You need a urine sample for a sore elbow?" the gentleman asked. "It's standard procedure to take urine samples from all our patients" the nurse replied. Irritated for having to wait so long only to be told that he was going to have to give them something he felt was totally irrelevant to his problem, he asked nurse Maggie, "May I take it home and bring it back tomorrow?". "Certainly" replied nurse Maggie. Feeling like getting his revenge, when the man returned home, he had his wife pee in it, he had his daughter pee in it, he had his dog pee in it, and the finally he pee'd in it. The next day, on the way back to the doctors office his car broke down and much to his surprise oil was dripping out of the bottom of the engine. Feeling that all these problems were because of a stupid urine sample he added some of his engine oil to the sample. When he finally arrived at the doctors office, nurse Maggie whisked away the sample and told him to wait in the doctors office for the report. About 45 minutes later the doctor came in the office shaking his head as if something was seriously wrong. The gentleman was smiling to himself, just waiting for the doctor to start speaking, "Well?" said the man, "WHAT'S THE URINE SAMPLE TELL YOU?". The Doctor shook his head and said "I have very BAD news for you!". Trying not to laugh, the gentleman said "Go ahead Doc, lay it on me". "O.K.," The Doctor replied, "Your wife is pregnant, your daughter has V.D., your dog has Rabies, your engine needs an overhaul, and if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow isn't going to get any better!". ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ How do you get a baby into a 2liter coke bottle? Liquidise it Why do you put a baby into a liquidiser feet first? So you can see the expression on its face. What's better than nailing a baby to the wall? Ripping it off. What's better than fucking a twelve year old? Nothing. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Three guys go to Britain to compete in a marksmens competition. The aim is to shoot an apple off a persons head. The first person comes up and shoots ... perfect shot ... and says the name is "Bond, James Bond". The second guy rocks up with a bow and arrow , shoots and of course a perfect shot and he replies "Hood, Robin Hood" The third guy, Old Van, gets up there with his old Sanna, loads it, aims and shoots .... the person's head and apple are blown to smithereens. So Old Van walks up to the other guys and says "Sorry, Fuckin Sorry". ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ THE SKY WAS DARK THE MOON WAS HIGH ALL ALONE JUST HER AND I HER HAIR SO SOFT HER EYES SO BLUE I KNEW JUST WHAT SHE WANTED TO DO HER SKIN SO SOFT HER LEGS SO FINE I RAN MY FINGERS DOWN HER SPINE I DIDN'T KNOW HOW BUT I TRIED MY BEST I STARTED BY PLACING MY HANDS ON HER BREAST I REMEMBER MY FEAR MY FAST BEATING HEART BUT SLOWLY I SPREAD HER LEGS APART AND WHEN I DID IT I FELT NO SHAME AND ALL AT ONCE THE WHITE STUFF CAME AT LAST ITS FINISHED ITS ALL OVER NOW MY FIRST TIME EVER MILKING A COW. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ In order to make this transcription as accurate as possible, i found it necessary to include the responses of the audience. (It wasn't half as funny without those.) So bear in mind that [..] stands for `pause for laughter'. NO ONE CALLED JONES [applause] Right, come on, settle down please. [...] Answer your names Anus [..] Arsebandit [..] Bottom [..] Clitoris [..] Where are you Clitoris? [.......] Doodoo [..] Enema [..] Fistup [..] [..] Come on, GROW UP, please [.......] Kenital [..] I'm sorry Genital [...] Herpes [..] Still with us I see [.......] Imadick [..] IMADICK! [.....] Enema, you know Imadick, don't you [....] Jaculation [..] Myprick [..] Has anybody seen Myprick [.....] Come on, _somebody_ must have seen Myprick [.......] Very well, remind me to beat Myprick when he does turn up [.......] Nicenquick [..] Ontop [..] Pube... Ahh, Myprick, so good of you to turn up. [..] Yes, now that you are here, Myprick, perhaps you'd like to find a seat. Bottom, squeeze Myprick in somewhere there. [.....] Rigid [..] Our Russian exchange student, Suckmeoff [....] Tightfit [..] Upyoursh [..] Vulva [..] Yourprick [..] and Zipper [..] Zipper? absent Now then boys, the headmaster has asked me to speak to you this morning on the subject of smut. [....] All members off staff have noticed an alarming increase in the use of silly humour and puerile innuendo about the school (RigidFistupBottom, OUT!) [..........] There have been some disgusting doodlings on the walls of the lavatory (sit up straight Ontop). [..] One or two unpleasant health magazines have been found (if you fall asleep, Ontop, i shall be _very annoyed_). [....] And Mr. Hardon tells me that there's been a great deal of sniggering in his biology class (Tightfit, Heaven's sake, leave Yourprick alone. [....] I don't care, Yourprick had no business poking in your desk in the first place). I will not put up with this kind of behaviour boys, and neither i must warn you will Mr. Greatbighardcock. [..] This is a school for the sons of gentlemen. And the theory is that one day you will turn into gentlemen yourselves. That is, with the exception of Genital, who appears to be turning into a ferret. [..] So, there'll be an end to this second form toilet humour, where so much conversation is just devoted to smutty, doodles on t.. (DoodooSuckmeoffNicenquick, _detention_ Saturday). [.......] Right, I'm going to the staffroom now, but if I come back and catch Herpes in the corridor, like the headmaster did yesterday, then there'll be trouble. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Just heard about a special on at Steers... Charcoal Staggie burger with a PAGAD of chips. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ AND NOW, FROM NAZARETH, THE AMAZING... And on the third day, there was a marriage in Canaan of Galilea. And it came to pass that all the wine was drunk. And the mother of Jesus said onto the Lord: "They have no more wine.". And Jesus said onto the servants: "Fill six water-pots with water.". And they did so. And when the steward of the feast did taste of the water from the pots, it had become wine. And they knew not _whence_ it has come. But the servants did know. And they applauded loudly in the kitchen. And they said onto the Lord: "How the hell did you do that?". And inquired of Him: "Do you do children's parties?". And the Lord said: "... No.". But the servants did press Him, saying: "Go on, give us another one.". And so He brought forth a carrot. And said: "Behold this. For it is a carrot.". And all about Him _knew_ that it was so. For it was orange. With a green top. And He did place a large red cloth over the carrot, and then removed it. And Lo! He held in his hand a white rabbit. And all were _amazed_, and said: "This guy is _really_ good. He should turn professional.". And they brought Him on a stretcher, a man who was sick of the palsey (?). And they cried onto Him: "Maestro, this man is sick of the palsey (?).". And the Lord said: "If I had to spend my whole life on a stretcher, I'd be pretty sick of the palsey too.". And they were filled with joy. And cried out: "Lord, thy oneliners are as good as thy tricks. Thou art indeed an allround family entertainer.". And there came onto Him a woman called Mary, who had seen the Lord and believed. And Jesus said onto her: "Put on a tutu. And lie down in this box.". And then took He forth a saw, and cleft her in twain. And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. But Jesus said: "O ye of little faith.". And he threw open the box, and Lo! Mary was whole. And the crowd went absolutely bananas. And Jesus and Mary took a deep bow. And He said onto her: "From now on you shall be known as `Sharon'. For that is a good name for an assistent.". And the people said: "We've never seen anything like this. This is great. You must be the Son of God.". But the Lord said: "No. I am He who comes _before_.". And they were sore amazed, and said: "Then master. How shall we know the true Lord?". And Jesus said: "By His name shall ye know Him. And He shall have a very religious name. And He shall be called `Paul'. And `Daniel' shall He be called.". ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ True story After about 3 weeks of Kindergarten, my five year old daughter came up to me one morning and said "Daddy, do you want me to show you how to make love with your fingers?" My mouth fell open and I looked at my daughter, curious to find out what obscene gesture someone elses kid had taught her. I said "Sure, go ahead". She held up her hand in an odd way that I did not recognize. She then told me "We're learning sign language, this means 'love'" You can guess my relief. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ You know you are in South Africa when: - the main headline of the evening TV news is the opinion of an unemployed squatter who spik inglish no good and calls on the head of Anglo-American to resign or face the consequences, - you realise after watching the news on TV that nothing happened in the rest of the world, - to alleviate congestion in post office queues, they bring in the innovative idea of selling scratch cards, - you are expected to carry a drivers licence that doesn't fit into your wallet, - the fact that there is an election and people are standing in line waiting to vote is more important than the result of the election, - the police advise you not to stop if they wave you down in the middle of the night but rather speed past them and drive to your nearest police station, - people would rather be killed in their beds than live in some country where they would have to get out and make it themselves, - the most popular vehicle is a 4x4 designed for driving in snow, (the reason for this may be the vast amount of mid-summer snow that you see in all Christmas decorations), - you no longer request anything, you "DIMAND" it, - you know what "vowlence" is, - people tell you that they wouldn't live anywhere else because the weather is so shit over there. - A Mini bus taxi passes you, just to stop right in front of you - When the road narrows, the guy to the rear of you has right of way. - You don't stop at a red traffic light, in case somebody hijacks your car. - You buy something that was damaged in the shop, and they won't refund you. - Votes have to be recounted until the right party wins. - You have to prove you don't need a loan to get one. - A shop clerk makes you feel as if he/she is doing you a favour by letting you buy from their shop. - Your insurance is higher than the repayments on your car. - You consider it a good month if you only get mugged once in the month. - When Ruwandan refugees start leaving the country because the crime rate is too high. - When the political parties spend time and money worrying about crimes of the past and ignore the crimes of the present. - When purse snatching becomes a national sport - When people start joking about the crime rate - The police asks you if they must follow up on the burglary you've just reported. - The Rand goes for a dive, and everything goes up, even old stock. - When you paint your cars registrations number on the roof in large letters. - When 2 Afrikaans TV programs are seperated by a Xhosa anouncement of the following Afrikaans program, and a Pedi ad. - The government has more opposition from themselves, than from any opposition party. - A minister is fired, and returns the government cell phone, but keeps the G-number-plated Bee-Em - The currency takes a dive, and the previous government gets the blame. - Students from Vaal Driehoek Technikon demands that their debt is written off.....at Pretoria Technikon - A 45 year old engineer gets replaced by a 25 year old affirmative who cannot write his own name - If the employees DANCE in front of the building to show how unhappy they are. - Half the city pays for the other halve's electricity and water supply. - When a murderer gets a 2 year sentence. and a pirate viewer a 6 month sentence. - The prisoners strike! - Crime actually DOES pay. - People are allowed to reclaim land (For free) that's been bought from their forefathers. - The SABC advertises and shows highlights of the program you just finished viewing. - The government GIVES you a house, and you complain. - You can't even go on a business trip to Oz without somebody asking knowingly: 'Oh, having a look around, are you?....' - the most popular vehicle is a 4x4 designed for driving in snow or off-road that people buy for the express purpose of driving to Sandton City/Constantia Village/GreenAcres/The Waterfront to do their grocery shopping - retail stores go out of their way to be open at the times that are most inconvenient to the majority of people (8:30 AM to 5:00 PM), and closed at the times when most people are able to go shopping (ie.after 5:00 PM) - the few innovative stores that stay open late have to close down through lack of business because the sheep, I mean people, can't get it through their skulls that you CAN go shopping at 10 PM - you attempt to get onto a freeway via an on-ramp and the guy approaching on the freeway deliberately speeds up to prevent you merging smoothly with the traffic - locally purchased BMWs and Mercs have a sign on the dash saying 'Use indicators only in case of extreme emergency' - there is more space between the sole of your foot and the accelerator pedal than between your rear bumper and the car behind you - people would rather drive a flashy car with HUGE repayments and MASSIVE insurance than live in a decent house - A Toyota Hilux bakkie costs as much as a Landrover. - A pick-up truck is described as a "bakkie" even in English. - The post office stores letters instead of delivering letters. - Sam Shilowa calls for a stayaway on his birthday - When a South African coming from America/UK has a more pronounced accent than an actual American/Englishman. - In every mall there is 10 curio shops all selling the same stuff. - When SOME people start thinking university is free to everyone. - When employer has to pay the employee wages during strike and cannot lock them out - When cops are always able to spot you for parking without display while never able to see the taxis [buses] parking in the middle of the road - When teacher don't get paid - If you want to get bursury for university, you better to be a black [excuse me for disclosing this] - If you blink, you miss the weather forecast on TV. - SABC 3 is SABC 2 after 18:30, only in KwaZulu-Natal, except on the weekend. - Petrol takes the biggest price jump in history, the banks increase their interest rates by two percent, and the Rand's value dives by 25%, but we are told that; "we have just had the lowest inflation rate increase in 24 years". - When you go to prison for murder, instead of the death sentence, you get a nice box of condoms. - When the 'News in English' pays little more than lip-service to the niceties of English grammar; - When the guy in the suit and tie eating samp-and-beans with silver cutlery is a politician; - When pre-election promises change into 'Rome wasn't built in a day' post-election rhetoric; - When the Minister of Housing didn't build a single house; - When the Minister of Finance doesn't wear a tie; - When the Minister-without-Portfolio makes more noise than all the portfolios put together, and then, when he's given a portfolio, you never hear from him again; - When the President receives Holy Commmunion in a Catholic Church and then passes the Constitution which allows for abortion-on-demand. - You can't make a phone call because the cables have been stolen... - could the government ram affirmative action down our throats while wondering how the graduates & professionals could be so unpatriotic as to want to emigrate.. - could the SABC summons you for non-payment of TV licence fees - when you don't have a television. - can you find people go on strike after a salary bonus has been given to them. - You have a Good(will) King, 6 Queens, 8 palaces, 10 Princes, 12 Princesses, R14 million per annum, a Lear jet, but just one spokesperson. - when the vote counters in the rural areas are as illiterate as the voters. - when a list like this is compiled but never checked for grammatical errors or spelling mistakes! ... In accordance with new South African culture, this tagline was stolen. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree. "Little Red Riding Hood," he said, "I'm going to throw you on the ground, tear off all your clothes, and rape you!" Little Red Riding Hood considered this, then removed a pistol from her picnic basket and pointed it at the wolf levelly. "Oh no, you're not," she said. "You're going to eat me, just like the story says." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains! Pull yourself together man! Doctor doctor everyone keeps ignoring me! Next please! Doctor doctor I feel like a pack of cards! I'll deal with you later! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Top 10 reasons computers are male: ================================== 10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 9. A better model is always just around the corner. 8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home. 7. It is always necessary to have a backup. 6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons. 5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play. 4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 3. The lights are on but nobody's home. 2. Big power surges knock them out for the night. 1. Size does matter Here's the quid pro quo: Top 10 reasons compilers must be female: ======================================== 10. Picky, picky, picky. 9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean. 8. Beauty is only shell deep. 7. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing". 6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed. 5. Always turning simple statements into big productions. 4. Smalltalk is important. 3. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong. 2. They make you take the garbage out. 1. Miss a period and they go wild ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The teacher says, "All right, class, it's time for Sex Education", and she draws a huge penis on the blackboard. She says, "Can anyone tell me what that is?" Dirty Johnny stands up and says, "I can tell you what dat is. It's a penis. And you know how I know? My old man's got two of 'em." The teacher says, "Two of them? Are you sure, son?" Johnny says, "Of course I'm sure. The little one he uses to pee, and the big one he uses to brush the babysitter's teeth." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Young Tyrone comes home from school all excited and says, "Mama, mama, I's got the biggest cock in the second grade! Is that because I's black?" "No, Tyrone," his mother replies, "That's because you'z 17." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ An old lady walks into a plastic surgeon's office and tells him she wants a facelift. He says "Well, we have three models. The first is for $1000 and is guarenteed for one year, the second is $3000 and is guarenteed for 3 years, and the last is $5000 and it is guarenteed for 5 years." The old lady says "Well tell me about them." The doctor says, "For $1000 you are going to get a half-ass job that you pay very little for." She responds, "Forget that one, what about the next one." He explains, "For $3000 we do a much better job and pay close attention to detail, but it is only guarenteed for 3 years." The lady says, "No, that's no good either, what about the last one." The doctor replies, "For $5000 you are going to get the best facelift with a feature that is on the cutting edge of plastic surgery. There will be a screw attached to the back of your head and if you notice your face sagging, just come back in and we will tighten the screw." The lady is delighted and has the surgery. About 6 months later she comes back to the office very upset. "Doctor, I want my money back because I look horrible. Look at these bags under my eyes!" The doctor leans back in his chair and says, "Lady you aren't getting anything back. Those bags under your eyes are your tits and if you keep messing with that screw, you're going to have a moustache." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ One fly was flying over a cow pasture when he noticed an extremely attractive female fly below him, on a cow chip..he immediately flew up next to her and said in as suave a voice as a fly can muster... "Excuse me, is this stool taken?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Bill Clinton is feeling overwhelmed with negative public opinion and decides to get out of the White House for a few hours to clear his head. He dons a disguise and starts walking around Washington. He stops first at the Washington Memorial and goes in and says "George, George, George, what can you tell me about running the country? A voice replies "Protect the Constitution". He then goes to the Jefferson Memorial and says "Tom, Tom, Tom, What can you tell me to be a better President? A voice replies "Protect the 1st Ammendment". He then goes to the Lincoln Memorial and says "Abe, Abe, Abe, How can I best serve the people of this great country? A voice replies... "Go to Ford's Theatre" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ WHO'S DRIVING? By: Bob Newman Another true story. I used to know a couple of guys who worked for the Texas Commission for the Blind, Bill Winkley, who ran the office and who had his sight, and Tony Casio, who was a caseworker and who was stone blind and carried a white cane. Bill usually drove Tony around to talk to his clients, for obvious reasons. For a slightly less obvious reason, Bill always wore dark sunglasses when they were together. The reason being, Bill Winkley was an opportunistic practical joker of the worst sort. One time, when Tony asked him for the loan of a dollar, he gave him two pesos (this was back when a peso and a fifty cent piece were about the same size), just so he could watch the clerk's reaction when Tony tried to use them to pay for something. But I digress. One day Bill and Tony went to a client's house, rang the bell, and told the lady who answered that they were from the Commission for the Blind. Sure enough, she looked at Bill in his dark glasses, Tony with his white cane, and at the convertible in her driveway they had driven there in, and a puzzled look crossed her face. She asked them to wait a minute, and while she was gone, Bill whispered in Tony's ear. When the lady came back, she told Bill and Tony that their client wasn't at home at the moment, and at the same time, the face of every family member who *was* at home appeared at the front window, to witness this marvel. So Bill turned to Tony and said "You drove all the way up here, do you want me to drive back?" to which Tony replied "Yeah, Bill, I'm kinda tired, you drive." So, arm in arm, Tony led Bill to the convertible, they got in, and very, very slowly, backed out of the driveway and drove off down the street, weaving a bit, with Tony leaning out of the car and tapping his white cane on the pavement the whole way till they were out of sight. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A guy walks into a brothel and sits down in the waiting room. After a few minutes, the madam greets him. The man tells her that he only has a buck fifty. "You're in luck," said the madam," for a $1.50, you can have the room at the end of the hall on the left." The man pays the madam, then walks down the hall and into the room. He sees a gorgeous woman laying nude on the bed, waiting for him. The guy strips down as fast as he can and starts screwing her like a madman. Suddenly, he sees her nose running. Her ears are running, and something is oozing out of her mouth. Disgusted by this, the man runs stark naked down the hall and calls to the madam. "That lady in there ... there's stuff oozing out of her!!!" "Oh, damn," she says as she turns and cups her hands over her mouth. "HEY HARRY, THE DEAD ONE'S FULL AGAIN!!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Nice, France - 22-year old Jacquelyn LaBow was thrown in jail for six days for riding naked on an elephant beside a busy highway during rush hour. Why??? Sunderland, England - A 53-year old was rushed to hospital with breathing problems when he mistook a bottle of glue for nasal spray, and sealed his nose shut. Don't they have product labels over there??? Miserton, England - 37-year old Alison Hewson shot her husband in the head with a pellet gun because he hadn't brought in the wash from the clothesline. He was treated at a hospital and released. Mrs. Hewson received two years probation after admitting to the shooting. We wonder what the penalty is in England for forgetting to make the bed. Livonia, Michigan - Enterprising Dr. M. George found a fast way for flu patients to get their shots. He set up a drive-thru window. Patients pull up, stick their arms out the car windows, get the shots, then pay $20.00. They are asked to hang around for 10 minutes to make sure they don't have a reaction to the vaccine. We simply can't wait for brain surgeons to take up this practice ("We'll take the double prefrontal lobotomy with a side order of fries...") Afula, Israel - Yosef Levin was charged with stealing the wallets of at least six guests at his daughter Octavia's wedding. To make matters worse, he was arrested by the father of the groom, police chief Gershom Sliverton. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Polyunsaturated: A sober parrot. ----- The attorney was questioning the witness, who was responding directly to the attorney. The attorney said, "Please speak to the jury." The witness smiled at the jury and said, "Hi there!" ----- A jury heard a case and brought in a verdict of not guilty, explaining, "It was an act of God under very suspicious circumstances!" ----- She was on trial for having shot her husband. She'd been found with the smoking gun in her hand. But the jury let her go because she was a widow! ----- Q: 1010111010000101010010101011110101101110000101010001? A: 1010110001011110111011! ^ | +--the funny bit! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ One day, a man was walking in the forest. He came across a deep hole in the middle of nowhere. He was a naturally curious sort of person, and wanted to find out how deep the hole was. He found a small stone and tossed it in the hole, and listened for the sound as it hit the bottom. After some seconds, he realised that the hole was deeper than he thought. He could still not hear the sound made by the stone. Perhaps it was too small, and didn't make enough of a sound to hear. Realising this might be the case, he started looking for a bigger rock. Finding a suitably sized one, he approached to hole again, and tossed it in. He waited. Still no sound... He began to wander around the hole's perimeter looking for a larger object, he had to go quite a distance from the hole to find an object that would suit his purpose, but about a hundred metres away from the hole he found a railway sleeper. It was extremely heavy and would make a huge sound when it hit the bottom of the hole... then he would know how deep the hole was. With veins popping out from his forehead, he strained and lugged and hefted the railway sleeper across to the hole. He pushed it over the edge and waited again ... Still he could hear nothing... This hole, he thought, must be REALLY deep He listened longer, soon he heard a strange sound, not the sound of a small stone pinging against the sides of an enormously deep hole, nor the sounds of a larger rock bouncing off the bedrock of 300 million years ago, deep below the surface. It wasn't the sound of a railway sleeper smashing against the sides of a vacuous void in the forest. What it sounded like was galloping. It sounded like small hooves galloping along behind the man while he leaned over the side of the hole. He realised at that mment that his backside had made a perfect target for the goat that was charging at him at blinding speed. He quickly summed up the situation and neatly sidestepped the charging goat. It raced straight down the hole, and again the curious man listened for sounds that did not come. Just then he heard the sounds of an approaching human. Maybe, he thought, he could ask this person about the hole. But before he could speak, the other man opened his mouth to speak. (He was a farmer and chewed a long stem of grass as was his wont). "Listen mate, you haven't seen a goat around here anywhere have ya?" Our curious friend felt as though he was at fault for the goat's demise ... after all, he DID present a pretty good target leaning over the hole like that. He didn't want to get in trouble. "No," he said, shaking his head, and looking around for a goat that he knew was at that moment plummetting into the depths of the earth. "Oh well" said the farmer... "It couldn't have gotten far... It was tied to a railway sleeper when I left it." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ City of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam NAME:____________________________ GANG:_______________________ 1. Leroy has an AK47 with a 40 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many shootings can he attend before he has to reload? 2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Fernando for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it? 3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit? 4. Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need? 5. Willis gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMWs, and 3 4x4s, how many Chevys will he have to steal to make $800? 6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing the xxxxx that spent his money? 7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 8 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint? 8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What percentage of girls in the gang has Hector knocked up? ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A town had recently gotten a brand new preacher. Unfortunately, his sermons always put the townspeople to sleep. To try to fix this, he went to a preacher's workshop. One of the speakers at this workshop told this joke: "You know, I spent the best years of my life in another woman's arms." After the audience gasped, he continued, "She was my mother." The small town preacher thought that this would be a GREAT joke to tell, so he decided to use it the next Sunday. When the preacher got around to giving his sermon, he said, "I spent the best years of my life in another woman's arms." Everyone in the congregation was whispering and gasping, and suddenly, the preacher forgot the punchline. He stammered, "I spent the best years of my life in another woman's arms...uh...uh...uh...and...and I can't remember who she was!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The three little pigs were driving around one night with nothing to do, so one of them said, "Let's go to the Swine Trough Bar and tip a brew or two." So, that sounded pretty good and they did. The first little pig walks up to the bar and says, "Bar keep. Give me a beer." The pig gets his beer, swigs it down, and immediately heads off to the boys room to take a leak, bad! The second little pig sauntered up and said, "I'll have what he's having. Give me a beer." He gets his beer, swills it down, and also heads off to the back room to make his bladder gladder. The third little pig says, "give me a beer too." Drinks in down. Says, "I'll take another." And another, and another, and another. Just sits there. Finally, the bar keep says, "Hey, what gives with you? Why aren't you like your piggy firends, back there takin a leak?" Third little pig says, "Well, pal, I'm one little pig that goes wee, wee, wee, all the way home." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Future airplanes run by various operating systems: DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, jumps on, and lets it coast till it skids... then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc. DOS w/QEMM: same as DOS but with more leg room to push. MAC: all the stewards, stewardesses, captains, baggage handlers, etc., look the same, act the same, and talk the same. Every time you ask questions about details you are told you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without knowing, so just shut up. OS/2: to get on board you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines; then you have to fill out a form that states how you want your seating arrangement to be--whether it should have the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train, or a bus. If you are successful in getting on board and getting off the ground you have a wonderful, enjoyable trip... except for times when the rudder and flaps freeze stuck, in which case you have time to say your prayers and get your personal things in order before you crash. Windows: nice colorful airport terminal, friendly stewards/stewardesses, easy access to a plane, uneventful takeoff.... then BOOM! you blow up without any warning whatsoever. NT: everyone sits on the runway and forms the outline of a plane, then they just sit there and go "PHHLLZZZSST" like they're flying. Unix: everyone brings one piece of the plane with them when they come to the airport. Then they go out on the runway and piece it together, all the time arguing about what kind of plane they are building. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Is algorithm a birth control method for our vice president? ----- Teacher: "If I have four apples in one hand, and five in the other, what have I got?" Tommy: "Big hands." Teacher: "Use the word 'I' in a sentence." Tommy: "I is.." Teacher: "No, Tommy, you must say 'I am'." Tommy: "Alright. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." Teacher: "Use the word 'urinate' in a sentence." Tommy: "Everyone else thinks you're a one or two, but I think urinate." ----- Billy often says things to one of us and we'll ask him to repeat it for the other parent (instead of us repeating it for him). I was outside when Billy told Mary something. This was the dialog when I came back in: Mary: Can you tell daddy what you told me? Billy: No. Me: Why not? Billy: I wasn't listening. and also this weekend...(Miss Manners need not fear competition just yet) Billy: Get me more juice. Me: I think there's a word missing from that sentence. Billy: Get me more juice NOW! ----- Anna: I want some more! Me: More what, Anna? Anna: I want some more, PLEASE! Me: Umm ... More milk? More noodles? ... ----- Melissa once got out of eating broccoli by creative reasoning. She said "George Bush does not like broccoli & he is the BIG boss... so, if he doesn't eat it, I don't have to eat it." It was so funny when she said it that we let her get away with not eating broccoli. She was watching the news last night & got very concerned. With a very serious face she asked, "Mommy, if George Bush isn't president any more does that mean I have to eat broccoli ??" After about 5 minutes she asked, "Can Clinton spell POTATO?" ----- A woman was out working in her yard the afternoon of 10/17/89. Her young son (2-3) turned the sprinklers on a couple of times, getting her wet. She reprimanded him each time and finally lost patience, collecting the kid and depositing him in his crib. She returned to the yard and the earthquake hit a few minutes later. There was a shriek from the house; she rushed inside to find the kid unharmed but clearly (no pun intended) shaken. He was very quiet and calm for the next half hour. When his father arrived home aroun 5:30, the kid approached him with great concern and seriousness, "Daddy, don't turn on the sprinkler." ----- Last night my 5 yo (who was playing Mother) said to her younger (almost 4 yo) sister, Sheera (5yo): "You are impossible," (accompanied by a sigh worthy of Sara Bernhardt) Me: "If she's impossible, what are you?" Sheera: "I'm Possible, of course!" ----- My son (almost 3) is very into rhyming, and funny words that sound alike. So here's his joke: Q. What does Pooh make in his diaper? A. Pooh poop! (wild giggling) ----- My sister's son, Jason (age 13), was watching the news when the newscaster said something about how President-elect Clinton looks when jogging in his running shorts - something about how he looks like he's got prostate trouble. Jason starts laughing hysterically ... My sister: Jason, do you even know what a prostrate is? Jason: Sure, it's those women that hang out on the street downtown! ----- This morning while changing Billy: me: (yawn) Billy: Are you tired? me: Yes, I am. Billy: Go get some sleep. me: (astounded) Will you let me? Billy: no! ----- Last night while getting Billy (34 months) ready for bed, he was delaying (as usual), which cuts into reading time. me: I don't understand, I thought you liked to read at night. Billy: I do. me: Then why won't you get ready for bed? Billy: I have to dawdle before you put on my sleeper. me: Why? Billy: It's my job! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ An American was taking a bus tour in the outback and on one of the stops he walked for a little while. He came (or should I say happened upon) across an aboriginal fucking an Emu (like an ostrich for those who didn't know) and quite disgusted by this he walked away only to see a one legged aboriginal having a toss close by. The american goes ballistic and comes to the ranger/tourguide ranting and raving. 'I just saw an abo up an emu's arse and then a one legged abo masturbating close by. What have you got to say about it?'. z The ranger looks at the yank in surprise. 'Geez mate, you don't expect a one legged aboriginal to run down an Emu do you?' ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Dear SysOp, You have made me so angry by not responding to my telepathic entreaties for information about this board, that I have concluded that you need some help in straightening out your procedures for operating this BBS. First, why are you wasting space on messages to and from users other than me? Please get your priorities in order. Second, do you have any files on Martian nose picking techniques? If not I DEMAND to know why not? I want to learn how to put booggers into my ANSI messages. Third, why do you carry programs on this BBS that require reading the documentation to use correctly? I dont want to waste my time reading some old instructions. Fourth, why do I get a busy signal sometimes when I call this BBS? I always send you a thought message to let you know that I am about to call so that you can clear the line for me but you don't seem to have enough courtesy to log off other users when I call. Fifth, you have something wrong with your system regarding the color graphics. I have set my profile to color graphics repeatedly and I still don't get any color on my monochrome disply. Please fix it. Sixth, why don't you like me? ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ What do you call a white guy surrounded by: one black guy? Sparring Partner. two black guys? Victim. five black guys? Coach (basketball for the sport-impaired). ten black guys? Quarterback. fifty black guys? Bus driver. one hundred black guys? Welfare Agent. five hundred black guys? Warden. five million black guys? Afrikaner What do you call a black guy surrounded by: two white guys? Minority. four white guys? Caddy. twelve white guys? Defendant. thirty white guys? Waiter. one hundred white guys? KKK victim. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Dieter's Prayer Lord, grant me the strength that I may not fall Into the clutches of cholesterol. At polyunsaturates, I'll never mutter, The road to Hell is paved with butter. And cake is cursed, and cream is awful, Satan hides in every waffle. Beelzebub is a chocolate drop And Lucifer is a lollipop. Teach me the evils of hollandaise Or pasta, and gobs of mayonnaise. And crispy fried chicken from the South-- If you love me, Lord, please shut my mouth! ----- A man was afraid his wife was deaf so when she walked over to the stove from the kitchen table, he quietly said "Honey, can ya hear me?" ...Nothing. He moved half way across the room and said again "Honey can you hear me?" Again, nothing. Then he walked right up behind her as she worked over the stove, and said "Honey can you hear me?" His wife, somewhat disturbed turned and said "For the thrid time, WHAT!" ----- "Hey, bartender," says a customer, sitting at the bar. "What kind of bird is that sitting on the perch?" "Oh," says Bob the bartender, "that's a Crunchy Bird!" "I never heard of a Crunchy Bird," says the patron. "Just watch," says Bob. He takes a newspaper off the bar and throws it down on the floor, then he turns to the bird and says, "Crunchy Bird, my paper!" The bird swoops down and attacks the newspaper. He rips it to shreds until there's nothing left but tiny pieces of confetti. "Wow," says the customer, "can I try?" "Be my guest," the bartender replies. The customer takes off his shoe and puts it on the bar and says, "Crunchy Bird, my shoe!" The bird flies down off the perch and picks the shoe up with his beak. He slams the shoe down on the bar and starts attacking it. In no time, the shoe is reduced to nothing but a few pieces of leather and a shoelace. Then the bird flies back to his perch behind the bar. Suddenly a tough looking guy walks into the bar. He yells, "Gimme a drink NOW!" He looks around the bar snarling and yells at the patrons, "What the Hell are you clowns looking at?" The bar is completely silent. Then the bully notices the bird and says, "what the Hell kind of stupid looking bird is that?" "That's a Crunchy Bird," says bartender Bob. The tough guy laughs and yells, "Crunchy Bird, my ass!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ "Heaven is an American salary, an English butler, a French cook, and a Japanese wife. Hell is a Japanese salary, a French butler, an English cook, and an American wife." -- Oscar Wilde ----- The late Shah of Iran had a young son of whom he was very fond. The young son, known as the Shan, was subject to seizures. The Shah had instructed the palace staff to never leave his son alone. One day the Shah walks into the palace library and there on the floor, writhing and screaming, was his son. The Shah summoned help and after his son had been attended to he called the palace staff together and shouted "Where were you when the fit hit the Shan?" ----- "I love pancakes," said Tom flippantly. "My pants are wrinkled," said Tom ironically. "I've run out of laundry detergent," said Tom cheerlessly. "I hate pineapples," said Tom dolefully. "The stock market's going up," said Tom bullishly. "Brew me another coffee," said Tom perkily "You're a real zero," said Tom naughtily "No, Eve, I won't touch that apple," said Tom adamantly. "I'll have the dark bread," said Tom wryly. "Look at those newborn kittens," said Tom literally. "I must attend my flock," said Tom sheepishly. ----- Here's a restaurant you should try....they serve soup to nuts. Destiny shapes our ends, but our middles are of our own chewing. Definition of a pickle: A cucumber soured by a jarring experience. Mama corn to baby corn...the stalk brought you. Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and an expert at making breakfast. Dieters are people who are thick and tired of it. A dieting woman commented, "I'm finally down to what I never wanted to get up to." Waiter: Would you like your coffee black? Customer: What other colors do you have? Mary: Do you like raisin bread? Harry: Don't know. Never raised anything but cucumbers. I used to have an hour glass figure, but the sand shifted. ----- Old King Cole was very fond of cabbage. He sent out a decree that from then on, whenever anyone ate cabbage, it must be shredded and mixed with mayonnaise and bits of carrots. This is known today as Cole's Law. ----- A lady driver was breaking just about every rule of the road, and made a turn from the wrong lane into the wrong street. A policeman whistled at her. She refused to stop. The policeman finally caught up with her and asked, "Didn't you hear me whistle?" The lady driver said, "When I'm driving, I don't flirt!" ----- Judge: Have you anything to offer this court before I pass sentence? Defendant: Nope. My lawyer took every last penny. Judge: Where were you between five and six? Defendant: In kindergarten! Judge: Do you ever listen to your conscience? Defendant: Yes, but I get very poor reception! A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to one little boy. So she said, "if you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?" "Somebody else's pants." said the little boy. ----- A florist received an outraged telephone call from a man who had moved his restaurant to a new spot in town. The restaurant owner had been sent a funeral wreath along with a card that read: SINCEREST SYMPATHIES. The florist realized that he must have mixed up two orders and shuddered to think of the flowers that should have gone to the restaurant man. He had sent to the funeral a clover design of red roses across which was a bring green ribbon bearing the inscription: BEST OF LUCK IN YOUR NEW LOCATION. ----- One day while driving in a thunderstorm, a man got a flat tire outside a monastery. A monk came out and invited him inside to have dinner and spend the night. The motorist accepted. That night he had a wonderful dinner of fish and chips. He decided to compliment the chef. Entering the kitchen, he asked the cook, "Are you the fish friar?" "No," the man replied, "I'm the chip monk." ----- John had been fishing all day with no luck. On his way home, he entered a fish market and asked the clerk, "Mister, just stand there and throw me several of your biggest bass." The clerk was puzzled. "Throw them? What's the idea?" John replied, "I may be a bad fisherman, but I'm not a liar. I want to be able to tell my family that I caught them." ----- An expectant mother was being rushed to the hospital, but didn't quite make it. She gave birth to her baby on the hospital lawn. Later the father received a bill, listing "Delivery Room Fee: $500." He wrote the hospital and reminded them that the baby was born on the front lawn. A week passed, and a corrected bill arrived: "Greens Fee: $200." ----- A man got on the train in Chicago and looked up the head porter. He handed him a fifty-dollar bill and said, "Now, I'm going into my berth to get some sleep, but I want you to make sure to get me up so I can get off the train in Cincinnati." He went on to say, "I'm a very sound sleeper, and I'm hard to get up in the morning, but I'm giving you this money to make sure you get me up. Tomorrow, I'm marrying the boss's daughter in Cincinnati. It's the most important day of my life, and I have to be there." So he went to bed, and when he woke up, he was in Louisville. Well, he was mad! He went looking for the porter, cussed him out and said, "This is the maddest I've ever been! I'm so mad I could kill you!" The porter said, "You think YOU'RE mad. You should have seen the fellow I put off in Cincinnati!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ To: All Employees Re: Restroom Use Policy During Meetings In the past employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective January 1, 1994, a Restroom Trip Policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees. Under the policy, a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given a Restroom Trip credit of three (3). Restroom Trip credits can be accumulated from month to month. Within two weeks, the entrance to both restrooms are being equipped with personnel identification stations and computer linked voice recognition devices. Before the end of the month each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to his/her supervisor. If the employee's Restroom Trip Bank Balance reaches zero, the doors to the restrooms will not unlock for the employee's voice until the first of the next month. In addition, both restrooms are being equipped with timed paper roll retractors. If the restroom is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toilet will flush, and the restroom door will fly open. If the restroom remains occupied, your picture will be taken automatically. The picture will then be posted on the faculty bulletin board. Anyone's picture showing up three times will be subject to disciplinary action which may result in termination. If you have any questions about this policy, please contact you friendly supervisor. We thank you in advance for your anticipated cooperation. The Management ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Q: What do you do when you've just had sex with a 5-year-old girl? A: Flip her over and pretend she's a 5-year-old boy. Q. What do you call an aboriginal holding a gun ? A. Anything he bloody well wants ! Q. What were Christy McAuliffe's last words before the Challenger disaster? A. "What's this button do?" Q. What kind of wood doesn't float? A. Natalie Wood. Q. How come Natalie Wood didn't take a shower the night she died? A. She thought she'd just wash up on shore. Q. What do you do if you find an epileptic in your bathtub? A. Throw in your laundry. Q. How many niggers does it take to wallpaper a room? A. One, but you have to slice him really thin. Q. How could anyone possibly shoot women and children from a 'nam helicopter? A. Easy, you just don't lead them by as much. For my birthday, my friends bought me a sweater. I would have prefered a screamer or a moaner, but you take what you can get. Q. What's the worst thing about eating a vegetable? A. Digesting the wheelchair. Q. What do you call a fat chinaman? A. A chunk. Q. What's the easiest way to make stew? A. Throw some sneezing powder at a leper. Q. What's the best way to make a nun pregnant? A. Fuck her! Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? A. You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline. Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? A. Lawyers aren't an endangered species. Q: Why can't you trust women? A: How can you trust anybody who bleeds that much and does not DIE! Q: What's red and wet and spread for miles? A1: Baby dropped through helicopter blades. A2: Baby tossed in a jet intake at 30000 feet. (Really spread around) Q: What do vegetarian dingos eat? A: Cabbage patch kids. Q: What is the definition of revenge? A: A baby with a dingo in its mouth. Q. What's worse that a dead skunk on your piano? A. A diseased beaver on your organ. Q. What are portholes? A. Hookers waiting for ships to come in. Q. What do you call big, ugly, hairy nuns who drive motorcycles? A. Hell's Angels of Mercy. Q. What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? A. A quarter pounder with cheese. Q. What do you call a person who's half Mexican? A. Sorta-Rican. Q. What do you call a person who's half German and half Mexican? A. A Beaner-Schnitzel. Q. What do you call a prick with VD, AIDS, and gonorrhea? A. A hot dog with the works. Q. What's one of the pros of marrying a Mexican? A. You get an unlimited supply of natural gas. Q. How many paranoid people does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Who wants to know? Q. What do you get when you cross an Italian with a Pole? A. A hitman who misses. Q. Why don't epileptics order Cokes at McDonalds? A. They have the shakes instead. Q. How do you know you've got a really small prick? A. You flash a policewoman and get arested for carrying a concealed weapon. Q: Why couldn't the baby turn around in the hall? A: Because it had a javelin stuck through its head. Q: What's more fun than nailing a baby to a fence? A: Ripping it off. Q: What's more fun that spinning a baby on a clothesline at 100MPH? A: Stopping it with a cricket bat (thwok). Q: What's red and goes around and around? A: A baby in a garbage disposal! Q: What's the difference between a jar of afterbirth and a jar of sand? A: You can't gargle sand. Q: How do you get 5 babies in a shoebox? A: With a cuisinart! Q: Why should you put a baby in a blender feet first? A: To see the expression on its face. Q: What is blue and gooey and crawls up a woman's leg? A: A homesick abortion. Q: What's red and white, and goes at speeds up to 40MPH? A: A baby in a blender. Q: What's pink and spits? A: A baby in a frying pan. Q: What's red and screams? A: A peeled baby in a bag of salt. A: A peeled baby dipped in brine. Q: What's easier to load on a truck: babies or bricks? A: Babies... you can use a pitchfork! Q: What's worse than one baby in a trash can? A: One baby in three trash cans? Q: What's worse than that? A: Three trash cans in one baby. Q: What is bright blue, pink, and sizzles? A: A baby trying to breast feed from an electrical outlet. Q: What is blue and yellow lies at the bottom of a pool? A: A baby with slashed floaties. Q: What is pink and red and silver and bumps into walls? A: A baby with forks in its eyes. Q: What is pink and red and gurgles? A: A baby munching on razor blades. Q: What's blue and sits in a corner? A: A baby with a plastic bag over its head! Q: What is brown, bubbly and scratches at the window? A: A baby in a microwave. Q: What is red and has a million holes in it? A: A baby on a bed of nails. Q: What is pink and red and gets smaller and smaller? A: A baby combing its hair with a potato peeler. Q: What is pink and green? A: The same baby six weeks later. (applies to the last few) Q: What's gross? A: A dead baby. Q: What's grosser? A: A whole truckload of dead babies. Q: What's even grosser? A: A live baby struggling for air amid the stench of decay at the bottom. Q: What's grosser still? A: The live baby eating its way out. Q: What is the grossest of all? A: The same baby coming back for more. Q: What goes plop, plop, fizz, fizz? A: Twins in an acid bath. Q: How do you stop a baby from looking up at you with that cute little baby face and gurgling happily with that little baby mouth and waving at you with those little baby fingers and little baby toes? A: Gouge its eyes out. Q: How do you cross an auditorium full of babies? A: With a snow blower. Q: What's red and hangs in trees? A: A baby that has been hit by a snowblower. Q: Why is it so groovy to be a test tube baby? A: Because you get a womb with a view. Q: What is a sure way to stop a baby from crying? A: With an axe. Q: How do you load a pile of dead babies on a truck? A: Pitchforks. Q: How do you load a pile of LIVE babies on a truck? A: Pitchforks! Q: What's the difference between a rock and a dead baby? A: You can't fuck a rock. Q: How do you make a dead baby float? A: 3/4 glass ginger ale, two scoops of ice cream and a scoop of dead baby. Q: What's better than tying babies to your bumper and crashing? A: Tying them to your tires and skidding. Q: What's pink, charred, bloody, and blind? A: A baby with needles in its eyes trying to get its favourite toy out of a lit fireplace. Q: Why does the husband always bring boiling water at a birth? A: In case the baby dies, he can make soup. Q: Why did the dead baby cross the road? A: It was stapled to the chicken. Q: What's red and hangs from the ceiling? A: A baby on a meathook. Q: Why do babies have a weak spot in the top of their skulls? A: So if there's a fire in the hospital, the nurses can carry them out six at a time. Q: What is twelve inches long, stiff and makes a woman scream in the morning? A: Cot death. Did you know that it takes five babies to make just one bottle of baby oil? Didja hear about the little boy who came running into the house with blood all over his hand? He went running up to his mother saying 'Mommie, Mommie! You were right! Babies do have soft spots in the top of their heads!' Q: What's the difference between a dog that was hit by a car and a skinhead that was hit by a car? A: There are tire marks before the dog!!! Q: What's black 'n' yellow 'n' full of crispy critters? A: A burnt school bus. Q. What's blue and fucks old ladies? A. Hypothermia Q. How can you tell if your dad has been having incest with your sister? A. His dick tastes funny! Q. What's the difference between light and hard? A. You can sleep with the light on! Q. What's the difference between love and like? A. A spit and a swallow! Q. What's the definition of an ideal women? A. One that turns in to a Pizza and a six pack at 12.00pm Q. Why are womens ass's and cunts so close together? A. So you can pick them up like a six-pack! Q. Why do women have legs? A. Look at the mess that snails make! Q. Why do dogs lick their balls? A. Because they can! Q. Why do Japanese have slant eyes? A. Wouldn't you if you'd seen an atom bomb flash! Q. What was John Lennon's last words? A. "Ahhhg, that's not a real gun!" Q. What about the thelidamide that got done coming through customs? A. He was in possession of small arms! Q. What about the queer that went missing in Australia? A. They found him in Sydney! Q. What about the polish wood worm? A. Found dead in a brick! Q. What about the polish Kamikaze pilot? A. On his 14th mission! Q. What about the Jewish Kamikaze pilot? A. He crashed his plane in to his brothers scrap yard! Q. How about the Polack that sneaked out of the restaurant? A. ... without eating his meal! Q. Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new car? A. No, but neither has he. Q. What goes "Click click click - is that it, click click click, is that it, click click click is that it?" A. Stevie wonder doing a Rubiks cube! Q. What's the definition of everlasting love? A. Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis! Q. What did the leper say to the hooker? A. Keep the tip! Q. Why did the fisherman marry a woman with Gonorhea, Pyorea and Diarohea ? A. For the maggots! Q. What's black and white and can't turn around in corridors? A. A nun with a Javelin through her head. Q. What's long, pink in parts and goes in tarts? A. Rhubarb! Q. What's white and hangs from a cloud? A. The coming of the lord! Q. Why didn't Jesus christ take a $100000K a year job in Palestine? A. Because last time he was there they nailed him with Tax! Q. What's got an I.Q. of 230? A. Mexico! Q. Have you heard about the new Polish parachute? A. It opens on impact! Q: What do you call the loose skin around a vagina? A: A woman. Q: What's the definition of a woman? A: Life support system for a vagina. Q: How many Pro-lifer's does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: 6. One to screw it in and 5 to testify it was lit on the first turn. Q: What's green and brown with 250,000 holes in it? A: Iraq's newest golf course. Q: What is long, colourful, and smells bad? A: The unemployment line.... Q: What's black and lies at the bottom of a swimming pool? A: A baby covered with funnelwebs. Q: What's red and green and lies at the bottom of a swimming pool? A: The same, three weeks later. Q: How many fratboys does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Seven. One to screw in the lightbulb, two to cheer, and four to hold the socket down. Q. Whats the difference between a glass of sand and a glass of menstrual fluid? A. You can't gargle a glass of sand !! Q. What has licking out a girl and the mafia got in common? A. One slip of the tongue and your in the shit !! Q: How do you fuck a two-year-old? A: You put your dick in while it's soft so that that you can listen to the bones break as you get a hard-on. Q: What is the worst thing about fucking 8 year olds? A: Getting the blood out of your clown suit. Q: What's grosser than gross? A: A hickey on a hemmorhoid? Q: What do the following have in common? 1) Peanut M & M's 2) Kodak Film 3) Woody Allen A: They all come in a yellow box. Q: Why do women have periods ? A: Who cares? Q: Why don't women laugh at sexist jokes? A: Because they haven't got a sense of humour. Q. How often do lesbian vampires meet up? A. Once a month. Q: An intelligent man, an intelligent woman and Santa Claus walk into a lift. There is a five pound note on the floor. Who picks it up? A: The intelligent man, because the other two don't exist. Q. Hear about the new Helen Keller dolls? A. You wind them up and they walk into walls. Q. Why can't Helen Keller drive??? A. She's a woman. Q. Why aren't Arabs circumsized? A. There's no end to those pricks. Q. How did the polish hockey team drown? A. Spring training. Q. What do you get when you cross a hooker and a chinese person? A. Someone who will suck clean your laundry. Q. How are they improving transportation in Harlem? A. They are planting the trees closer together. Q. What was John Lennon's last hit? A. The pavement. Q: How do you recognize a Norwegian on an airport? A: They feed the aircrafts. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ * What's the slowest thing in the world? A Mexican funeral with one set of jumper cables. * Why do Mexicans drive low-riders? So they can drive and pick lettuce at the same time. * What's meaner than a pit bull with AIDS? The redneck that gave it to him. * What do you call a redneck girl who runs faster than her brothers? A virgin. * What's the difference between a buzzard and a redneck? One is ugly, has a long, skinny neck and eats carcasses by the side of the road. The other -- has wings! * What's one definition of "confusion"? Two blind lesbians in a fish market. * Comment to all lesbians: Men don't need women -- they can eat in restaurants. * How do you know Jesus was Jewish? 1. He lived with his parents 'til he was 30; 2. He went into his father's business; 3. His mother thought he was God. * What does Poland do with its used garbage trucks? Sells them to Italy as used campers. * How do you get 100 Italians in a VW? Throw in a penny. - How do you get them out? Throw in a bar of soap. * How do you tell the bride at an Italian wedding? Her armpits are braided. * How do you know you're in an Italian town? You see toilet paper hanging out to dry. * What's a cross between a monkey and a Polish retard? An Italian intellectual. * How did Italians get across the Mediterranean and the Atlantic? One would swim; the rest would walk on the oil slick. * What's a black seven-course meal? A six of Colt-45 and some cheese fries. * What's the difference between blacks and snow tires? Tires don't sing when you put chains on them. * How do you know Adam was white? Ever try to get a spare rib from a black? * What has six legs and goes "Ho-de-do, ho-de-do, ho-de-do"? Three blacks running for an elevator. * What do you do with Saddam Hussein, Adolf Hitler and Rush Limbaugh in the same room -- as you hold a gun with TWO bullets? Shoot Rush twice. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ****************************** DAHMER ************************************** Dahmer's lawyer said he didn't have a leg to stand on. He said he had a few extras back at the house... He was the first person ever happy when his lawyer told him he'd charge an arm and a leg... He knew how to keep a cool head. When the police got to his apartment they found very little furniture; just armchairs and footstools. And then the police thought Jeffrey was having some sort of a club meeting at his place.... there were a lot of members around. Weirdo, n. [wEIr-doe], Someone who, in a fridge, sees sour milk next to human body parts and says "Sour Milk! Gross!" That's what he gets for keeping it next to the head cheese. Milwaukee Pickup Line Of The Week: "What's a nice guy like you doing in a fridge like this?" Famous last words: Hey, Eat Me, Buddy!" Jeff Dahmer's having a legal expense fundraiser - "Hands, and Feet, Across America." "I almost went into Dahmer's apartment, but Rod Serling warned me I was about to enter 'The Twilight Calzone.'" Did you hear about the latest charges they were bringing against him? Selling arms to Iraq Apparently, Dahmer has escaped from jail within the last few hours. Universal has picked up the story and is working on a new feature film based on Dahmer's plight. It's tentatively titled "Cannibal Run" After admitting to 17 murder/mutilations, the police finally asked Jeffrey D. why he did it. he reponded "i wanted to get aHead in life!" How did they know Dahmer suffered from dandruff? They found Head and Shoulders in the shower. I hear that for breakfast he liked to have scrambled legs, for lunch a little beans 'n Frank, and for supper some moo goo guy in a pan. What was the name of that teenager who went up to Jeffrey's apartment to pose for beefcake pictures? Stu... And of course he didn't lie to the neighbors about that awful smell. What he said was, "Oh, it's a bunch of Chuck steak that went bad..." Obviously a man of good taste, his apartment was scattered with small pieces of art (and steve ...) Good taste definitely. Local antique dealers were bidding for his extensive and exquisite collection of chests. The police are thinking of charging him for his large and small arms collection. Seems he forgot to register them. "Bring me a beer from the fridge", he told police, "and put a head on it." I heard he was looking for another apartment, He was running out of elbow room......... Yah, The neighbours said he was always trying to butt in. Jeffery Dahmer's apartment is up for rent. It comes partially furnished and with roomates. ( Some assembly required !!!!!!! ) ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A priest getting ready to hear confessions suddenly realized that he desperately had to go to the bathroom. He looked outside the confessional and saw the janitor walking by. He pulled him aside and said, "Look, I really gotta go to the bathroom, but people are lining up for confession. Could you take over in the confessional for a few minutes?" The janitor began to protest, but the priest said. "Look, it's easy. I have the sins and the penance written down on this chart right here. All you have to do is look up the sin and give them the penance. No one will know it's you in there." The janitor agreed and took his place in the confessional. The first parishioner entered the confessional and began "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have committed adultery." The janitor looked on the chart and found "Adultery - 20 Hail Marys". He mumbled some forgiveness sounding words and told the parishioner to say 20 Hail Marys. The parishioner thanked him and left. The janitor breathed a sigh of relief. The second parishioner entered. "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have used the Lord's name in vain." The janitor looked down the list "Lord's name in vain - 5 Hail Marys", and assigned them. The janitor thought "Hey, I can do this. I just might get away with it!" The third parishioner entered and began, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have engaged in anal sex." The janitor consulted his chart, but could find neither "Anal Sex", nor "Sex, Anal". He began to get worried. He looked out of the confessional and spied an altar boy walking by. He motioned the boy over. In a hushed voice, he said "Tell me something kid, what does the priest give for anal sex?". The altar boy looked at him quizzically and said, "Well, two twinkies and a glass of milk." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Two very *virginal* people had dated each other for a long time, without any sexual exploration. They decided they wanted to get married. But the girl said, "Before we get married, you need to know that I'm just flat as a board." And the guy said, "Well, that's OK with me. You need to know that I'm just like a baby down there..". So she said, "Oh, that's OK with me.." On their wedding eve, the girl undressed for her new husband for the first time. "Wow! You really *are* flat as a board..", he said, "But that's OK with me." And shortly he emerged from the bathroom, undressed, and stood before his new wife. She gasped in horror. "You're enormous!", she cried. "I thought you said you were like a *baby* down there.". "Well, I am," he answered, "21 inches long, and 9 pounds." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The expectant father is waiting in the hall for his wife to give birth. He's pacing up and down, back and forth - nervous that something might go wrong with the delivery. Eventually, after much anxious waiting and pacing, the doctor comes out with the baby wrapped in a blanket. As the elated and relieved father walks toward the nurse, she grips the baby by the feet and starts smashing it against the wall, sending blood, brain and shards of bone spraying everywhere. The father screams in horror "What the hell are you doing!?" "Take a joke, man", the doctor says, pausing for a moment and letting the carcass drip onto the floor. "It was stillborn!" * There once was a man from Nantucket, (this HAS to come first) Whose cock was so long he could suck it. He said with a grin As he wiped off his chin, "If my ear were a cunt, I would fuck it!" * There once was a man from Bangkok, (great name: bang-cock!) Who had holes up the length of his cock. When he got an erection, He'd play a selection From Johannes Sebastian Bach. * There once was a man from Darjeeling, (it exists) Who pounded his pud with great feeling. Then, like a trout, He'd open his mouth, And wait for the drops from the ceiling. * There once was a rabbi from Peru, Whose wife he was trying to screw. His wife said, "Oy vay, If you keep up zis vay, The Messiah vill come before you!" * There once was a man from Rangoon, Who was born nine months too soon. He hadn't the luck To be born by a fuck; He was scraped off the sheets with a spoon. * There once were two brothers named Hyde. One fell in a cesspool and died. The next day, his brother Fell into another, And now they're interred (in turd) side by side. * There once was a Jew from Salonika Who for Christmas received a harmonica. His mom, to annoy him, Said, "Acch, dat's for goyim!" And gave him a Jew's harp for Chanuka. There once was a girl named Dot who lived off pig shit and snot when she couldn't get these, she ate the green cheese, that she scraped off the inside of her twat. There once was a girl from Peru Who had nothing whatever to do So she sat on the stairs and counted cunt hairs Four thousand, three hundred and two! On a bridge stood the bishop of buckingham Thinking of tits and of sucking them While watching the stunts of the cunts and the punts And the tricks of the pricks that were fucking 'em. Old mother Hubbard went to the cupboard To get her old dog a bone When she bent over, Rover took over And she got a bone of her own Twinkle, twinkle, little star, How I wonder what you are, Shine upon the parking lot, as I lick my girlfriends twat Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack burned off his fucking dick. Mary had a little lamb She kept in her back yard. Every time she took her panties off, it's woolly dick got hard. There was an old lady who lived in a shoe. She had so many kids, her Uterus fell out. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A black man goes to a Job Centre trying to find a job. Black man: 'I want to have a job.' Employer: 'That's a coincidence, there's a job as a boss of a bank!' Black man: 'You're joking ?!?' Employer: 'Who started joking in the first place?' ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Is a frog's ass watertight? Is eagle pussy high? Does a hundred pound sack of flour make a big biscuit? Does shit stick to a rabbits fur? (From: Bear and Rabbit shitting in the woods. Bear looks at Rabbit and says, "Have you got a problem with shit stickin to your fur?" Rabbit says, "No." So the Bear wipes his ass with him.) Colder than a witches tit in a brass bra. Colder than a whale diggers ass in the Klondike. Slicker than catshit on a linoleum rug. Slicker than owlshit on brass a doorknob. Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. That shit just don't flush. I've shit bigger than you. You know hugh. Hugh damn right. That girl has a mean dookie box. She's got the kind of legs I like. Feet on one end, pussy on the other. I don't belive in premarital sex. I weren't gonna marry the bitch anyway. Them legs have done grown up and made a perfect ass of themselves. That girl's a sea bass. See that Big Ass. What, you thought I wanted some of your pussy? Ha! Sex ain't all its cracked up to be, but fuckin, thats fun! (Original) Ladies, ladies, spread out and give us some womb. Beauty is only a light switch away. Sex is dirty, but only if it's done right. She's so fat if she wears fishnet stockings they better be 50 pound test. That's slicker'n snot on a doorknob. You as sharp as a marble. I'm so hungry I could eat road pizza. Busier'n a cat in a sandbox. Busier'n a one-armed paper-hanger with an itch. Nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full 'a rockin' chairs. She has legs so long they reach from the ground all the way up to heaven! Feel like I've been shot at and missed and shit at and hit. Hotter than a June bride in a feather bed. Feel like a nigger at a Ku Klux Klan rally. If it'd been a snake it have bit ya. I'd drink her bathwater. I'd eat the peanuts out of her shit. I'd bite down on her and pray for lockjaw. Best thing since sliced white bread. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ This is as good a time as any to introduce you to Geoff's Guide To Euphemisms -- a modern primer to assist one`s navigation through the mysterious and hazardous shoals of modern mealy-mouthed obfuscation: EUPHEMISM TRANSLATION --------- ----------- undocumented workers illegal aliens physically handicapped, crippled physically challenged emotionally handicapped crazy mentally handicapped, mentally retarded developmentally disabled, "special" vitally handicapped dead hearing impaired deaf ("Haah?") visually impaired blind chemical dependency drug addiction substance abuse drug abuse affectional preference sexual orientation the homeless bums put down, put away kill (an animal) people of color colored people economically deprived poor vertically impaired short the elderly, old people "seniors" (formerly "senior citizens", as opposed to 12th graders) dimensionally impaired ghost food server or waitperson waitress (otherwise simply "waiter") firefighter fireman -person (suffix) -woman (e.g., "spokesperson") custodian janitor passed away died administrative assistant secretary person with AIDS (PWA) AIDS victim "battling" a disease dying from a disease sensitive 90's male wimp politically correct prone to euphemisms (among other problems) emotionally challenged subjected to euphemisms and and attempting to refrain from strangling the perpatra- tors of same And of course the All-Time Hall of Famer: the "F-word" "fuck" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ This little 6 year old girl comes running home all distressed and howling her head off. Her mother, finally gets it out of her between the bawling, that her daughter has been raped. The mother settles the little girl down, enough to get her to the police station, to report this horrible act. At the police station, the sergent interviewing the little girl, asks as nicely and poiltely as he can: "Could you please tell me what the nasty man did, so we can get him?" The little girl sobs " Yeah, Ill try *sniff sniff*" Policeman: "Righto then what happened?" Girl: "*sob* Well I was walking down the street to get mummy some milk. *sniff sob* When the big nasty man jumped out and grabbed me *bawl*" Policeman: "Yes please go on...." Girl: "Then *sob sob* he lifted up my dress *howl*" Policeman: "then?....." Girl: "He pulled down my pants......*absolutley bawling now*...... no I cant go on....." The sergent then stands up from behind the desk wanking himself for dear life and says "WELL FUCKING MAKE SOMETHING UP!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ I'LL HIT YOU... I'll hit you so hard by the time you come down, you'll need a passport and a plane ticket back! I'll hit you so hard you 'll have to take off your shoes to shit! I'll hit you so hard you'll have to unzip your pants to say hi! I'll hit you so hard your kids will be born bruised! I'll hit you so hard your wife will fall! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ UGLY... She was so fugly... they used to push her face into dough to make gorilla buiscuits You're so ugly you'd make a train take a dirt road! You're so ugly if you stuck your head out the window, they'd arrest you for mooning! You're so ugly you could be the poster child for abortion/birth control! You're so ugly if my dog looked like you, I'd shave its ass and teach it to walk backwards! You're so ugly when you were born, your mother saw the afterbirth and said "Twins!" You're so ugly they know what time you were born, because your face stopped the clock! She's so ugly she could scare the moss off a rock! She's so ugly she could scare the chrome off a bumper! Your face so so ugly when you cry the tears run up your face. Your so ugly, your mother had to feed you with a sling shot. Your so ugly, your mother had to tie a steak around your neck to get the dog to play with you. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Your mother's armpits are so hairy it looks like she had Buckwheat in a headlock. Your mother's so fat it takes her two trips to haul ass. Your mom's so fat, her yearbook picture was an aerial photo. Your mom's so fat, I had to roll her in flour and look for the wet spot. Your mom's so fat, I had to slap her thigh and ride the wave in. They say that beauty is only a light switch away, with your mom I had to use a black light. Your mom's so stupid it takes her a half hour to make minute rice. Your mom's so ugly the psychiatrist makes her lie facedown. Your mom's got snakeskin teeth. Your mom's so stupid I saw her in the frozen food section w/a fishing rod. Your mom's so fat, at the zoo the elephants started throwing Her peanuts. Your mom's got hair on her tongue and she gargles w/curl activator. Your mom's got a wooden leg w/a real foot. Your mom's got a leather wig w/suede sideburns. Your momma's so fat, she jumped up in the air -- AND GOT STUCK! Your mother's like a door knob, everybody gets a turn. Your mother's like a birthday cake, everybody gets a piece. Your mother's like mustard, she spreads easy. Your Mama's got three teeth...one in her mouth & two in her pocket. Your Mama's breath's so strong, she be blowin' bubbles with Now & Laters. Your Mama's so old, her birthday's expired. Your Mother is so stupid, she needs a ruler beside her bed to see how long she can sleep. Your Mother is so dumb, she got hit by a cup and said she got mugged. Your Mother is so old, I told her to start acting her age and the bitch died. Your mama's so old she owes Jesus Christ a quarter Your mama's so poor she went to McDonald's to put a shake on layaway Your mama's so dumb she sold the car for gas money Your mama's so dumb she cooked her own complimentary breakfast Your Mama's So fat, when her beepgr goes off, people thought she was backing up Your Mama's So stupid, it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes Your Mama's So fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!" Your Mama's So stupid, when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends Your Mama's So fat, she had to go to Sea World to get baptized Your Mama's So fat, she got to iron her pants on the driveway Your Mama's So fat, she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller Your Mama's So fat, she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets Your Mama's So fat, when she steps on a scale, it read "...to be continued" Your Mama's So nasty, when she goes to a hair salon, she told the stylist to cut her hair and she opened up her shirt Your Mama's So fat, when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th Your Mama's So ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals." Your Mama's So ugly, she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning. Your Mama's So ugly, just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it." Your Mama's So old, I told her to act her own age, and the bitch died. Your Mama's So ugly, they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies. Your Mama's So ugly, they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower Your Mama's So ugly, they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars. Your Mama's So poor, when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving." Your Mama's So fat, when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too Your Mama's So ugly, instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck Your Mama's So ugly, she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween. Your Mama's So ugly, when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras Your Mama's So fat, the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn" Your Mama's So stupid, when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon Your Mama's So fat, when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE! Your Mama's So fat, when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please" Your Mama's So stupid, she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" because she couldn't read Your Mama's So ugly, her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her Your Mama's So ugly, her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her Your Mama's So ugly, when she walks down the street in September, people say "Damn, is it Halloween already?" Your Mama's So ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday. Your Mom's like a race car driver... she burns a lot of rubbers Your Mom's like a doorknob... everybody gets a turn Your Mom's like an ice cream cone... everyone gets a lick Your Mom's like a bowling ball you can fit three fingers in Your Mom's like a bowling ball she always winds up in the gutter Your Mom's like a bowling ball she always comes back for more Your Mom's like McDonalds... Billions and Billions served Your Mom's like Denny's... open 24 hours Your Mom's like a shotgun... give her a cock and she blows Your Mom's like 7up...never had it never will. Your mama's like a railroad track: She gets laid all over the country. Your mama's like a T.V.: A two year old could turn her on. Your mama's like a goalie: she changes her pads after three periods. Your mama's like Crazy Eddie, she's practically giving it all away You're mother's so dumb...she got stabbed at a shoot-out. Your mama's like a Christmas tree, everybody hangs balls on her. Your mom is like a postage stamp, you lick her, stick her, then send her away. You mom is so fat, everytime she wears high heels, she strikes oil. Your mom is so fat, The back of her neck looks like a six pack of hotdogs. Your mom is so ugly, her tears roll down the back of her head just to avoid her face. Your mom is so big, she uses a VCR as a beeper. Your mom's afro is so big that when she sat in my car it was like instant tint. Your mom is so fat, her blood type is Ragu. Your mom has a pussy on her hip, talkin' about making money on the side. Your mom's teeth are so yellow, that her tounge has to wear sunglasses. Your mom is so fat, that she has to butter her hands to get them in her pocket. Your mom's armpits are so hairy, it looks like she has Buckwheat in a headlock. Your mom is so poor, she has a wooden leg that doesn't fit. Your mom is so strong, she can spit sparks. Your mom is so strong, she can blow bubbles with now-and-laters. Your Mama's Sooooooooooo: fat, when her beepgr goes off, people thought she was backing up stupid, it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!" fat, she had to go to Sea World to get baptized fat, she got to iron her pants on the driveway fat, she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller fat, she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets fat, when she steps on a scale, it read "...to be continued" nasty, when she goes to a hair salon, she told the stylist to cut her hair and she opened up her shirt fat, when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals." ugly, she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning. ugly, just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it." old, I told her to act her own age, and the bitch died. ugly, they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies. ugly, they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower poor, when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving." ugly, they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars. fat, when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too ugly, instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck ugly, she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween. ugly, when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras fat, the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn" stupid, when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon fat, when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE! fat, when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please" stupid, she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" because she couldn't read ugly, her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her ugly, her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her ugly, when she walks down the street in September, people say "Damn, is it Halloween already?" ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ DONKEY RACING IN TEXAS A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter him in the race. However, at the local auction the going prices for horses was so steep that the preacher ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day, the racing form carried this headline: "PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS" The preacher was so pleased with the donkey, that he entered it in the races again. This time he won and the form read: "PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT" The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The newspaper headline that day: "BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS" This was too much for the bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN" The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey, and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy the animal for ten dollars. The next day's headlines stated: "NUN PEDDLED ASS FOR TEN BUCKS" They buried the Bishop the next day. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Jesus and Moses were out fishing. Moses: I wonder if I still got it. He stands up and stretches forth his fishing rod upon the water. The water begins to roil and foam but then ceases. Jesus: I guess your all washed up. Moses: Well, let me see you try. Jesus stands up and puts one foot out upon the water. Then he puts the other foot out upon the water and immediately sinks. Moses: I guess you're washed up too. Jesus: No, I just keep forgetting about these damn holes in my feet. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ TOP TEN WAYS THE JURY COULD HAVE BROKEN THE NEWS TO OJ: 10: Everyone in the room innocent of the murder of Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman stand up. Not so fast Mr. Simpson... 9: Mr. Simpson, about your acquital...TAKE IT AWAY EN-VOGUE!! 8: Hey OJ....you busy for the next few years? 7: So OJ....what do you think you'll be doin' in the year 2049? 6: Can you say "Rock-Pile"? I knew ya could... 5: (without words, the jury returns; each one carrying a noose) 4: (foreperson sits down in her chair, grabs the chair-arms, rolls her eyes into the back of her head, lets tounge hang out, and shakes violently......whlie the rest of the jury intones "BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!") 3: We find the defendant not guilty... (snicker, snicker) ah, hell, we're just kidding....(snicker snicker). 2: (jumping up and down) GUILTY!! GUILTY!! GUILTY!! GUILTY!! GUILTY!! And the number one way the jury could have delivered the verdict!!: 1: Hang him. Can we go home now? ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The Grateful Dead, with their new lead singer...none other than OJ Simpson...have entered the studio and are recording some new tunes. Expected songs to be included on the upcoming album include.... Walk Like A Man Cut Like A Knife Mac The Knife Walkin To New Orleans Walk That Walk First Cut Is The Deepest Makin' The Cut Death Don't Have No Mercy Walking Blues ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Daft definitions, a sequel! =========================== Adolescence, n: The stage between puberty and adultery. Adult, n: One old enough to know better. Adultery, n: Putting yourself in someone else's position. Afternoon, n: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning. Ambition, n: An ant crawling up an elephant's leg with rape on his mind. Antonym, n: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of. Anxiety, n: The first time you can't do it a second time. Panic, n: The second time you can't do it the first time. Automobile, n: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians. Bagbiter: 1. n: Equipment or program that fails, usually intermittently. 2. adj: Failing hardware or software. "This bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar." Usage: verges on obscenity. Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the bag". Synonyms: Loser, Losing, Cretinous, Bletcherous, Barfucious, Chomper, Chomping. Basic, n: A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company. C, n: A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or it isn't. -- Ray Simard Chemicals, n: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made. Christ, proper n: A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time. Christian, n: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin. Cigarette, n: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in between. Coitus interruptus, n: A jerky movement following the words (by either sex partner) "I want to have your child." Cold, adj: When your dog sticks to the fire hydrant. Confusion, n: Father's Day in San Francisco. Conservative, n: One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead. -- Leo C. Rosten Critic, n: A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him. Cynic, n: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. Cynic, n: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye. Dawn, n: The time when men of reason go to bed. Death wish, n: The only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to. Deliberation, n: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on. Die, v: To stop sinning suddenly. -- Elbert Hubbard Distress, n: A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. Dyke, n: A woman who kick-starts her vibrator. Egotist, n: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. Erogenous zone, n: The skin you touch to love. Etymology, n: Some early etymological scholars come up with derivations that were hard for the public to believe. The term 'etymology' was formed >from the Latin 'etus' ("eaten"), the root 'mal' ("bad"), and 'logy' ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow." -- Mike Kellen, Oakdale, Minnesota Fairy tale, n: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers. Female, n: Life support system for a pussy. Forgetfulness, n: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience. Fornication, n: Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with. Great Lover, n: A man who can breathe through his ears. Hangover, n: The burden of proof. Hangover, n: The wrath of grapes. Happiness, n: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another. Heavy, adj: Seduced by the chocolate side of the Force. Hermit, n: A man who'd rather get off by himself. Honor, n: Almost as good as in 'er. Horny, adj: When your cock gets hard if the wind blows. Hypocrite, n: A man who says he likes cats, but won't eat pussy. Idiot, n: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. Immortality, n: A fate worse than death. Incest, n: Relatively boring. Incest, n: Sibling revelry; a sport the whole family can enjoy. Incumbent, n: Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents. Infatuation, n: When you're in love, there's a lump in your throat. When you're infatuated, there's a lump in your pants. Ingrate, n: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion. Ink, n: A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime. Interpreter, n: One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. Justice, n: A decision in your favor. Kleptomaniac, n: A rich thief. Knowledge, n: Things you believe. Labia majora, n: The curly gates. Labor, n: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. Lie, n: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date. Life, n: A sexually transmitted disease which afflicts some people more severely than others. Machine-independent, adj: Does not run on any existing machine. Macho, n or adj: Jogging home from a vasectomy. Majority, n: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law. Manual, n: A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information you need in in the others. -- Ray Simard Marriage, n: The evil aye. Meeting, n: An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or department not represented in the room must solve a problem. Millihelen, n: Beauty enough to launch one Greek warship. Navel, n: A place to stash your gum on the way down. Necrophilia, n: Dead boring. Necrophilia, n: Dropping in for a cold one. Nothing, n: A man with an erection who walks into a wall and breaks his nose. Ocean, n: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man -- who has no gills. Oral sex, n: The taste of things to come. Pascal, n: A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it. Penis envy, n: The desire to be pink and wrinkled and about four inches long. Portable, adj: Survives system reboot. Quality Control, n: The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works. QWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]: 1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69 kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2. [colloq.] one thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry; 3. [anat.] a painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus; 4. [slang] person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert. -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed. Sadism, n: A sadist refusing to whip a masochist. Spouse, n: Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. Sweater, n: A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly. Tact, n: The unsaid part of what you're thinking. Transfer, n: A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town. Unfair competition, n: Selling cheaper than we do. Universe, n: The problem. User, n: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him. Virgin, n: Waste. Wet dream, n: Overnight sensation. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ It was the 1st day of school. The 2nd grade teacher asked some of her students to tell the class a story of something that had happened to them over the summer break in which they learned a moral. The first student stood up and said, "Well, I went to my father's farm, and oneday we counted the eggs in the chicken coupe to see how many chicks we would get, but that night a wolf came and ate 1/2 of the eggs. The moral I learned was don't count your chickens before they're hatched." "Very good," said the teacher. The second student stood up and said, "Well, one day my mother sent me to the market to get some milk, and on my way home, I got beat up by the neighbor bully who spilled my milk all over the ground. I went home crying to my mother. And she said not to cry over spilled milk." Very good," said the teacher. The third student stood up and said, "My father told me one of his war stories, and it went like this. He was stranded in a fox hole with only one bottle of Jack Daniels, 12 rounds of ammo, and 2 grenades. Well he drank the whiskey, then the enemy came. He shot up 12 guys, and blew up 20 more with the grenades." "Well, what moral could you have possibly have gotten from such a story?" asked the teacher. "Don't fuck with my dad when he's drunk." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ From bad@wonder.UUCP Mon Apr 3 17:16:54 1989 From: bad@wonder.UUCP (Bad Temperton) Subject: The last word on the rec.porn.child debate Hello. I'm Bad Temperton. You probably know me best as the moderator of the wildly popular newsgroup, rec.porn.child. There have been some misconceptions about this newsgroup flying around lately, and I'd like to clear them up for you, free of charge. First, some background. Rec.porn.child was set up a couple of years ago because a lot of people were tired of the drivel in rec.porn and wanted something a bit more, well, special. I volunteered to take some time off my arduous job as net know-it-all to become the moderator. Since then, it's become clear that there is a real market for "young stuff" out there. I'm pleased to say that its readership now numbers 500,000 readers solar-system-wide, including all newsreaders in Arizona, the undergraduate population of Warwick University, and the entire backbone cabal. There was some unfortunate controversy last fall about the article entitled "How to Kidnap One for Yourself". I'm pleased to say that this controversy has now been proven to be completely unfounded. I agree that the article was probably illegal. I agree that it was probably offensive to all people who were molested as children, all people who know anyone who was molested, all people who have ever had children, and all people who have ever been children. But these people are probably a minority, albeit a vocal one. So I'm glad there were so many people who supported so well my right to send them anything they want to read. After all, Absolute Freedom of Speech is almost the Most Important Thing (second only to the Net itself). So I think we should continue to silence those who think petty concerns like human dignity are more important. The only way to keep Usenet the perfect place to practise freedom of speech is to keep it almost totally devoid of real-world concerns like the law and money. Which brings me to the issue of my contract with the Devil. Some people have objected to this plan, saying that it is against the supposedly "anarchistic" Spirit of Usenet. Some people have even called Usenet "the best argument against anarchy ever put forward". In fact, Usenet is not an anarchy. It is a libertarian Bradarchy, to get technical. This means, roughly, that as more and more public institutions pay to maintain it, the greed of some of its users will reach a "critical mass" and they will try to take advantage of it. This accords well with my political philosophy, which is that (1) there should be no public institutions, and that (2) everyone should be allowed to do anything they want. (Except my employees, of course, but you have to draw the line somewhere.) My contract with the Devil is basically this. I give him a newsfeed, for which he pays me $5,000/Kbyte. In return, he gets to claim the mortal souls of all Usenetters who flame others unnecessarily. I took a vote on this in alt.satanism, since that seemed the place I was most likely to get support, and I'm pleased to say it was very favourable. For exact details, you can contact the Devil at ...!drugbaron!ayatollahvax!terriites!kremvax!jtower but rest assured that this is a very mutually beneficial arrangement. I make a profit, and, as everyone will agree, within six months he'll have everyone on the Net. Yours for a "free" Usenet, -- Bad Temperton, Wonderland Wetware Ltd. -- Spuzzum, BC 604/555-1313 ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ This guy and this girl are rampantly having sex. During a lull in the passion, the guy asks the girl to turn over. "Why?" asks the girl. "Because I want to try something different," says the guy. "That's perverted!" says the girl. "What did you say?" asks the guy. "I said that's perverted". "Shit," says the guy, "that's a big word for a five year-old". ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Sign for a butcher shop with an attached slaughterhouse: BUTCHER KILLS HIMSELF EVERY MORNING Sign for an expert in made-to-order shoes: WE MAKE SHOES EVEN FROM THE CUSTOMER'S HIDE Sign for a gyneacologist who doubles as a general practitioner: DOCTOR FOR WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ (Wayne Manor, Batman and Robin have just returned from the snooker hall) Robin: Look, Batman! There's a message on the Fax from the Commissioner! Batman: What does it say? Robin: It says, "Hi, Batman. Batgirl is being held captive at the Gotham Rubber Company. Please hurry there. Nice one Commissioner." Batman: At once to the Batcave. (Our heroes go to the Batcave below stately Wayne Manor and prepare for their rescue mission) Batman: Ready? To the Batporsche, Dean! Robin: Why do you keep calling me Dean? me name's Robin. Batman: No one's called Robin nowadays. Dean's much more Eighties. Robin: (Sulkily) No one's called Batman. Batman: Don't be facetious, Dean. Look in my Filofax for the address of the Gotham Rubber Company, and then let's make tracks. Robin: Right, well, it's on Stallone Street, just behind the Nuthouse Vegetarian Restaurant. Batman: Oh, yes, I know it well. Speaking as a vegetarian, I'd say it's the only decent place I've found to eat out. Okay, let's go. Robin: But wait, you've forgotten the warning to the kids! Batman: Oh, quickly then. (Camera closes in on Batman's face) "Boys and Girls, I cannot do without using a condom. Don't think I can and don't think you can. Have a nice day." Right, that's that done. Let's hit the road. (Batman and Dean roar out of the Batcave and head for the Gotham Rubber Company) Batman: How about some Batmusic, Dean? Robin: Okay. (Sings) Na na na na ... Batman: I mean turn on the Compact Disc player. Robin: Sorry. (Turns on the CD) Na na na na, Batman! Na na... Batman: That's better. You know .... (Cellular phone rings. Dean answers. Heavy breathing on the other end of the line) Robin: We know it's you, Joker. Why don't you go and play your stupid pranks some place else? (Line goes dead) That guy sure is... Holy Catlitter! There's Catwoman breaking into that jeweller's! (The Batporsche screeches to a halt) Batman: Hold it right there, Catwoman! Catwoman: Ah, Batman. Still haven't got a proper job? Batman: Okay, Catwoman, let's have you out of that catsuit. Catwoman: But, Batman, you weren't like this in the Sixties. I thought you preferred Robin. Batman: I do, but people want more sex in 1989, and since homosexuality is a TV audience turn-off, that leaves you. Robin: But, Batman, we must hurry - Batgirl's in dire straits. Batman: Oh, all right, then. Come on. (They rush out to the Batporsche) Robin: Oh, no, we've been clamped! Batman: This must be the work of the Penguin. Look, there he is! Robin: That can't be him, he's wearing Levi 501's and a designer shirt. Batman: Thats him all right. Stop right there Penguin! Penguin: Hello, Batman. You recognised me after all these years, and in my new gear. Well done. Batman: Penguin, the wrapper may have changed but what's inside is just as evil as before. Penguin: Well, I must say that Raybans and a beret do more for you than that ridiculous hood you use to wear. Batman: Unclamp our car, Penguin. Penguin: No way, Batman. Wait for hours like everybody else. Batman: There's no time for that. Com on, Dean, let's run. Robin: But Batman, it's still a long way. Batman: Don't worry, Dean, I'm wearing my Gucci loafers. Jump on my back and I'll carry you. (Batman and Dean run off to the Gotham Rubber Company. When they arrive, they try the video entry-phone, but when no one answers, they break in.) Robin: Holy incomprehensible! The floor's marked out into six enormous coloured segments! Batman: I thought as much. This is the trademark of the Trivial Pursuiter! Robin: The who? Batman: The Trivial Pursuiter, none other than the Riddler of old! T.Pursuiter: Correct, Batman. Long time no see. Hey, like the boxer shorts, Robin. Batman: We want Batgirl, Trivial Pursuiter. T.Pursuiter: Not so fast, Batman. First you must answer some questions. What do you want: Geography, Science and Nature, Entertainment...? Batman: Where is she? T.Pursuiter: Ah, Geography. What is the largest lake in ...? Batman: Cut it out, Trivial Pursuiter. What have you done with Batgirl? T.Pursuiter: Now you want History! Who was the tallest US president? Robin: Abraham Lincoln. T.Pursuiter: Good. Now what category? Robin: Er, how about Entertainment? Batman: Dean, wake up, he's using the questions to mesmerise you. Take this Anti-Trivial Pursuit Batpill which I happen to have on me! (Dean takes the Batpill and immediately recovers) Batman: Thats better. Right Dean, let's go and find Batgirl. T.Pursuiter: No, you don't! (He blocks their path) Robin: Take that, Trivial Pursuiter! BONK! Batman: Wait, wait, we can't have BONK! any more. It's too rude. Robin: But I thought we needed more sex and violence in the show. Batman: BONK! is sex and violence. We can't have both, at least not at the same time. Robin: Okay. FUNK!! (Dean hits the Trivial Pursuiter, who falls, beaten) Batman: Hey, like it, Dean! Give me five! T.Pursuiter: very well, you win, Batman. She's through there. (Batman and Dean go through to another room, where they find Batgirl staring vacantly into the bubbling waters of a Jacuzzi) Robin: She's in a trance. Batman: Yes, the Trivial Pursuiter was gradually boring her to death with his dull questions. I'll just give her an Anti-Trivial Pursuit Batpill. (Batgirl swiftly comes round) Batgirl: Ah, Batperson., at last. What took you so long? Batman: What's the "Batperson" thing, Batgirl? Batgirl: Batperson, please Batperson. Batman: You mean we're both called Batperson? Batgirl: This is the Eighties, Batperson. Batman: But that makes us sound equal. That's no good. You know, things were much better in the Sixties... (Batman drones on. Fade) ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Here's a list of famous quotes and words of wisdom developed by the engineers from the now defunct Salt Lake City Operation of Hewlett-Packard. Over a period of several days they slowly appeared on a centrally located white-board. One day I copied them down to save for posterity. Brett Carver brett[at]hpnmd.hp.com ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Few Lesser Known Famous Quotes: "Code so clean...you can eat off it." "Learned more from a three minute bug fix than we ever did in school." Bruce Sprinsteen "Four score and seven (hundred) bugs ago, our fore-fathers brought forth a new application." from The Gettysbug Address "If we can't fix it, it isn't broken." Lab manager "Never test for a bug you don't know how to fix." QA manager "Don't break it if you can't fix it." Marketing manager I think therefore I create bugs." Descartes "Debug is human, de-fix divine." "There's a bug born every minute, and two to replace him." P. T. Bugem The Bugs Of Wrath John Steinbug "There are two ways to write bug-free code; only the third way works." unknown consultant Final message received from the Titanic: "Fatal crash due to icebug." "Bugs Bunny was an optimist." "One small bug for man, one great program for mankind." N. Armstrong "The bug is mightier than the fix." Cyrano deBuggerac "Man does not live by bug fixes alone." The Super-User "For every bug fixed, there is a bigger bug not yet discovered." "The bug stops here." H. Trubug "Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix." Rhett Buggler "I regret that I have but one fix to give for my country." Nathan Hale "I have just begun to debug." "...Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth; the bug hath been found and thy program runneth. And he that was dead came forth..." John 11:43-44 "Bugs bugs everywhere, and not a fix in sight." "I never met a bug I didn't like." Will Rogers "A feature is a bug with seniority." "This time I'm going to get that cwwwwazzy ewwwor." Elmer Fudd ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ This British explorer is in the dark jungles of Africa, going where no *man* has gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter, cook, and troubleshooter in one. One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome dark young man engaged in "playful activities" with 8-9 beautiful, dark, young women, all in nude. The young man had the biggest, strongest penis the Britisher had ever seen, or even imagined. He was simply awed. He asked his guide who this man was. "He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake, Sir", came the reply, "This is his morning ritual." "Ask him," the awed Brit said to his companion, "how did his penis get to be this size?" The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very agitated by the conversation. "Well, what did he say?" asked our hero to his assistant on his return. "He said, 'There's nothing wrong with my penis. Doesn't the white man's shrink in cold water?'" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ How to buy a second-hand car: 1. Turn on the radio and check the pre-set stations. If they are all tuned to rock-n-roll stations, don't buy it. 2. There is no rule #2. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Dave Barry Dines Out Philadephia Inquirer Magazine - October 23, 1983 Americans are starting to dine out again, as they react to the economic upturn and the toxic mold growths bonded to the piles of unwashed dishes left over from the economic downturn. The problem is that many of you have gone so long without dining out that your only concept of a restaurant is McDonalds's. I'm afraid you're going to go to a really snotty restaurant and do something stupid, such as ask the wine steward for your free "Return of the Jedi" glass. So let's take a moment here to review the proper way to behave at a restaurant. When you arrive, you will be greeted by a person dressed in an outfit like the one Fred Astaire wore in all those movies where he danced on tables. This is your maitre d', and you should tip him $5 the instant you walk in the door. He will then ask you the traditional question, which is "Do you have a reservation?" You may answer "Yes" or "No". Either way, he will scrutinize a piece of paper in front of him as though it has something to do with the restaurant, although it actually lists the rosters of all the Chicago White Sox teams since 1946. Then, no matter how empty or full the restaurant is, he will say, "Your table will be ready in 10 minutes." This traditional restaurant jest always draws an appreciative snicker from the employees hunkering back in the gloom, wearing grease-stained rental uniforms. The maitre d' will then ask, "Would you care to wait in the cocktail lounge?" The correct answer here is "Yes." If you answer "No thanks, we'll just wait here and eat these little mints," you will get your table about the time the United States establishes permanent colonies on Neptune. In the cocktail lounge, you will be monitored by infrared devices, and as soon as you have ordered, but not received, your second round of drinks, a uniformed person will inform you that your table is ready. Tip him $5. The maitre d' will then lead you to a table right next to the screen that the waiters duck behind to blow their noses. Tip him $10. Your waiter will then sidle up to your table and say, "My name is Bernard and it will be my pleasure to serve you in an obsequious manner tonight." Tip him $5. Now comes the part where things have really changed since the last time you ate out. In the old days, menus were easy to understand. They looked like this: Meat.............................. $5.95 Fish.............................. $4.95 Chicken........................... $3.95 Spaghetti......................... $2.95 In those days, you'd mull over the menu for a while, and then you'd say, "I'll have the meat," or "I'll have the fish," and the waiter would say, "Excellent choice." It is much more complicated now. Your modern restaurant menu is written in French and Middle English. You'll see maybe two dozen items like this: Pleuve en Voiture =========================== (Scrumpets in Harrow Sauce) $26.95 While you are sitting there staring at the menu and trying to avoid letting on that the only word you understand is "menu", the waiter will make the following speech: "Tonight we are out of everything on the menu, but we do have some very nice specials. For our appetizers, we have an excellent Tete de Chou au Sucre Flambe, which is a head of cabbage covered with sugar and set on fire. We have a very fine Poisson Sacre Bleu, which is a Norwegian fluke minced into very small pieces and stirred until dawn with attractive utensils. We have a very nice Quelle Dommage, which is a mussel defiled in a lemon sauce. We have a superb Papier du Chien dans la Cage, which is..." This speech will go on for maybe 10 minutes, after which you should tip your waiter $10 and say, "I'll have the meat." Next the wine steward will hand you the wine list, and help you make your selection: You: "How is this $12-a-bottle wine?" Wine Steward: "We use that primarily as a disinfectant." You: "Oh. Well, then, we'll have something much more expensive, please." Wine Steward: "Excellent choice." When the wine steward returns with your wine, he will pour some into your glass. You should take a little sip, then nod in a meek and grateful fashion, unless the wine is unsatisfactory, in which case you should still nod in a meek and grateful fashion, because if you complain, he will stab you repeatedly in the eyeball with his corkscrew. Tip him $15. The first food course to arrive will be your salad. Your modern high-class restaurant salad does not contain tomatoes or cucumbers, nor does it contain those wide, smooth healthy-looking leaves of lettuce you purchase at the supermarket in spheres. Your modern high-class restaurant salad consists of a few fronds of a darkish, kelp-like plant that has clearly forgotten everything it ever knew about photosynthesis. Nevertheless, you should make every effort to choke it down (using the extreme left-hand fork), because your main course, especially if it has a French name, is going to consist of maybe two square inches of a thickly sliced food substance, accompanied by a sprig of parsley placed there by the kitchen staff as a test of your common sense ("Look!" they shout, crowding around the kitchen window. "He's EATING it!"). After your main course has been served, your waiter will wait until you have placed a wad of food in your mouth, then he will sidle up and say, "Is everything to your satisfaction?" Your should nod and smile in a meek and grateful fashion and try to say, "Just fine, thanks," without letting any partially masticated food dribble onto your clothing. Then slip him a five. The size of the tip you leave at the end of your meal depends on the quality of the service. Ordinarily, you should leave between 15 and 20 percent of the cost of sending three children through the University of Pennsylvania medical school, but feel free to increase this amount if the waiter has performed any special service, such as not spitting in your food. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ [originally posted in rec.arts.movies] This was taken from the program of the 14th Seattle International Film Festival, published anonymously under the title "Miss Dish's Lament"; as it addressed several of my personal film-viewing peeves in a particularly humorous manner, I thought you might enjoy it also. ============================================================================== Despite our continued efforts to teach basic manners to our patrons ("Minsky's Guide to Film Festival Etiquette," SIFF '86; "Joan's Rules," SIFF '87) it seems as though some people just won't learn. Or perhaps it's just that they already have their own innate habits which, to them, just seem *proper*. You know who we're talking about -- those people who seem to obey four rules, and four rules only: * Wear a watch that beeps. * Ask visiting filmmakers stupid questions. * Hiss, to show how superior and politically correct they are. * Don't bathe; always sit in the best seats. One almost gets the feeling that these people are bringing about the end of civilized movie-going as we know it. Well, we have news for you. They're not the only ones. In cinemas across the country, cretins of every size, sex and color are popping up, making movie-going less and less enjoyable, and video rentals more and more appealing (Heaven forbid!). I'm sure you know exactly what kind of people I'm talking about, but just in case you don't, my good friend Dale Thomajan has listed them in the following comprehensive -- but non-exclusive -- step-by-step guide to behavior in the theatre: YOUNG COUPLES: * Arrive late. * Wonder why there's no line. * Hug and kiss frequently during movie. * Sit directly in front of me. SINGLE GUYS FROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD: * Talk to movie. * Giggle during violent scenes. * Curse during love scenes. * Don't take no crap from *nobody*. SINGLE WOMEN OVER 40: * Find that cellophane ball they lovingly constructed as a girl. * Bring it to theatre. * Unwrap it during first film. * Re-wrap it during the second film. * Sit directly behind me. MARRIED COUPLES: * Remain totally silent until picture starts. * During title credits, start a conversation; continue it until picture ends. * When lights go on, remain completely silent until next picture starts. SENIOR CITIZENS: * Announce first appearance of everyone in cast ("That's Greta Garbo... Melvyn Douglas... Ina Claire"). * Read all on-screen signs, headlines, menus and letters out loud ("Danger -- Road Closed... Kane Elected"). * Note major plot developments out loud ("He's got a gun... The sister is at the window"). * Sing along with musical numbers. UPPERMIDDLEBROWS: * Attend every European comedy they can, particularly the bad ones. * Laugh at the unsubtitled dialogue. * Never laugh at the subtitled dialogue. * If the director appears in a cameo, laugh loudly to show that that they recognize them. * Talk softly so not to disturb others; fail. * Sit beside me. AGING COUNTERCULTURISTS: * Laugh at every American movie made before _Easy Rider_, except the comedies. * Affect bushy hairstyle. * Sit directly in front of me. * On the way out, ask manager to schedule Robert Downey (Sr.) festival. CINEASTS: * Enter theater shrieking "*Focus!*" * Race to your seat as credits begin. * Between films, look around theatre in search of blood brothers. * Carry latest issue of "Variety". OVERAGE COLLEGIANS: * Refer to all movies as "flicks". * Bring dinner. * Eat it. STRANGE MIDDLE-AGED MEN: * Dress *very* casually. * Go to matinees. * Change seats frequently. * Talk to movie. * Get into long arguments with the similarly afflicted. What's a proper lady or gentleman to do if this kind of etiquette continues to prevail at our movie houses? I say, don't sit back on your haunches and let such flagrant ignorance be paraded in front of you. If you're as mad as hell, chances are others are too, and whining to the manager, who's usually already overworked and underpaid, doesn't produce fast, absolute satisfaction. Direct action must be taken *immediately*, and this is what I'd suggest: Facing the heathen head-on, assume a strong, threatening stance, with legs apart and the hair on your neck standing up. Then, curl your upper lip, grit your teeth, and emit a low, barely audible growl. If this doesn't elicit the proper response (i.e. silence and fear), then a quick, sharp bite on the offender's leg should do the trick -- this almost always prompts them to rush from the theatre immediately, thereby making it a safe place once again for all creatures great and small... of the correct persuasion. "I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable to sit still in a room." -- Blaise Pascal -!- Moriarty, aka Jeff Meyer ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ There is this French couple, sitting up talking, when the wife says to the husband that it was time he had a conversation with their thirteen year old son about the birds and the bees. So the father goes to his son's room and says: "Son do you remember that session I arranged for you with mademoiselle Ginette?" "Oh yes papa, I remember very well," says the son. "Well son, it is time you knew that the birds and the bees do the same thing." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ And then there were these three nuns, who died and went to heaven, like true nuns do. Being in heaven, they are rewarded by the High one, for the fulfilling of their holy duties. Their reward is being someone they choose, for three weeks. The first nun Chooses to be Marilyn Monroe, for, as the nun explains, Marilyn was considered the Goddess of love. Likewise, the second nun chooses to be Jayne Mansfield, because she was someone who shamelessly enjoyed everything in life. After listening to the first two nuns, the third considered, and said: "I want to be Sahara Pipelines, because a few weeks before I died, I read in some magazine: `Sahara pipelines laid by 3000 Men'!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ "Your age, please?" asked the census taker. "Well," said the woman, "let me figure it out. I was 18 when I was married and my husband was 30. He is now 60, or twice as old as he was then, so I am now 36." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Reasons To Have Sex... Sex as a Tranquilizer - "I always sleep 100% better after sex. I'm an actor, so if I have anxiety the night before a performance, I don't sleep that well. So on those nights I make sure to have some sex. It's the greatest tranquilizer I've found. And there are no side effects. It's pretty addictive, though." - Sammy Dunlop, Actor Sex as a Reward - "If my wife does me a favor or something really nice for me, then I'll eat her pussy for an extra-long time. My wife is a real sweetheart. My friends ask why she's so nice." - Terry Williamson, Physical Education Teacher. Sex to Fight Addiction - "I've been trying to quit smoking cigarettes for years. As of today, I haven't had a smoke in 42 days. Sex is the one thing that really seems to help when I get a craving. It takes my mind right off the cigarettes totally. The hard part is after sex, because then I really want a smoke." - Les Clark, Art Director (Remember, if you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast. - M.F.) Sex as a Laxative - "I have a lifelong constipation problem. I've noticed that there is a direct correlation between my constipation and my sex life. I get real constipated when I'm not having sex regularly, and I'm fine if I'm having sex. I also think it's good to have a lover massage my anus with her finger. I think it's healthy. And it feels so good." - Jimmy Turnowski, Attorney Sex to Get to Know Someone - "I find that having sex with someone is a great way to get to know them. That's why I still like to fuck on the first date. I can tell a lot about a person by fucking them." - Janet Rivera, Real Estate Agent Sex as Meditation - "I use masturbation as my primary form of meditation. I put on some space music, put in my vibrator then empty my mind and just float. It's incredible. It helps me get in touch with my emotions. Sometimes I'll do affirmations and pray while I masturbate. I focus inward and just love myself. I think of my masturbation rituals as my path to enlightenment." - Katrina Rainbow, New Age Girl Sex to Make Money - "I use sex to make a lot of money. It's that simple" - Susie Que, Prostitute Sex for Magic - "I'm in a witches coven. If we want to accomplish something very important we use sex in our magic ceremonies. It's called "sex magic." It's the most powerful form of magic we do. It always works. Once we raised $25,000 for an orphanage in Mexico with sex magic." - Jane Contrella, Witch Sex for Manipulation - "I'm in the music business, which is a really rough business. I use sex to get what I want. I got a nice little recording contract with only one blowjob. With sex you get them at their most vulnerable." - D.C. ,Lead Singer in a Rock Band Sex for Gardening - "I know this sounds a bit strange, but I have a beautiful garden. and I jerk off onto my plants. I love jerking off outdoors; so I figure while I'm at it, I'll kill two birds with one stone, and sprinkle my sperm onto a plant that needs a little extra care. I figure if sperm can create a life, it must be a good fertilizer." - Jonathan Dunlap, Interior Decorator Sex to Increase Energy - "I was living with a guy, and we were going to start a T-shirt business. We worked day and night to get it off the ground. We used sex to keep us awake and full of energy. My lover would fuck me, but not have an orgasm. So we would fuck six, seven, eight times a day just to get our energy up. The business was a big succes, until I left him. Then it went quickly down hill." - Nora Govan, Pot Dealer Sex as a Gift - "For my best friend's 40th birthday, I sent her this very sexy, hot, 22 year old guy to make love to her. She said it was the best present she'd ever had in her entire life." - Carol Sternhell, Modeling Agent Sex to Wake Up - "I'm a very heavy sleeper, and I fucking hate alarm clocks. The best way to get me out of bed is to fuck me hard and fast for just a few minutes. A nice, wild quickie first thing in the morning, and I'm wide awake, baby." - Robin Spear, Bartender Sex to Cure Back Pain - "I hurt my back doing gymnastics when I was a teenager. Now sometimes my lower back really hurts. One thing I found that really helps is anal sex. I sewar to God, it really works." - Bubbles Delight, Stripper Sex to Keep Warm in the Winter - "We like to go skiing up in the Catskills. If we stay in a cabin and there's not a lot of heat, what better way to stay warm than to make mad, passionate love? It's better than an electric blanket any day." - Scott Chelnk, Writer/Editor Sex as a Cream Rinse - "In high school we would try to get girls to suck our dicks by telling them that sperm made their hair real shiny. None of them beleived me, but I'll betcha it's true." - Michael Cyril, Costumer Sex for Stress Reduction - "Some men like to go to the bar during lunch hour to relax. I like to visit my lover. Then I return to work totally relaxed, which lasts about an hour, because I have a high pressure job." - Charles Lenhoff, Stockbroker Sex as a Spiritual Experience - "Being so totally and completely in love with my mate, I find that sex can be a manifestation of godliness. When we connect, I feel at one with the Earth, with God and with Life. I feel so whole and complete and so holy and nourished." - Rubin Howard, Nursery School Teacher Sex for Exercise - "Sex is great for maintaining physical fitness. My girlfriend has really hard thighs from being on top. It's great exercise. She demands that I don't come until she finishes her thigh workout. And look at my arms. That's just from pumping nookie. It's good for the heart. You know, cardiovascular stuff. It's the only exercise I do, and I'm in great shape." - Bob Dee Widder, Jewelry Salesman Sex for Thrills and Adventure - "My boyfriend and i live dangerously. We have all kinds of wild sexual adventures. Last week we were at the movies, and he was playing with my pussy the whole time. It was raining and we were under an umbrella with raincoats on. No one could tell what we were doing. It was exciting." - Kitty Wichner, Dietician Sex for a Laugh - "I love to laugh in bed. Sex can be really funny." - Georgio Deano, Pizza Shop Owner Sex to Achieve Altered States - "If I'm having really great sex, all kinds of amazing things happen. I leave my body and have an out of body experience. I become breathed by the universe, and I go into trance states. I've even had revelations and awakened memories of past lives." - Arthur Abarbanel, Crystal Salesman Sex as a Cure for Baldness - "In my early 20s I was still a hippie, and I had this great long hair. Suddenly, it started coming out in big clumps. I had this brainstorm that if semen could make new people, maybe it could make new hair. So at night before I went to sleep, I would masturbate and rub it all over my scalp. When I woke up in the morning it would be all dried up, shrunk, almost painful. Then I'd wash it out. It definitely worked. My hair stopped falling out. I've used a similar treatment for acne." - Fitugu Tadesse, Zoologist Sex for Voice Training - "I'm studying singing, and I was really having trouble with a particualr phrase. My teacher is great. He said, 'Think of this microphone as a cock, and make love to it with your voice, like a sort of blowjob with sound.' So I tried it, and it worked great. Now I have a microphone fetish!" - Debora Kovacs, Up and Coming Singer Sex for Mosquito Bites - "When I was 18, I moved out of my parent's house to a little house in the country. On my first night, I woke up with a billion mosquito bites. I hadn't bought screens for the windows yet. So I open the medicine cabinet, and there's no Calamine lotion. So I figured I needed something soothing and liquid. Yogurt and sperm were all I had. So I tried them both. They both worked." - Darryl Stipanela, Law Student Sex for a Good Deed - "There was this really fat girl, the fattest girl in all of Woodstock. We were talking one night, and she confessed to me that the worst part of being fat was that she hadn't had sex in three years. So I told her, being the nice guy that I am, that I would have sex with her. I didn't really want to do it, but I climbed on board. It was like being on a rubber raft in the ocean. I fucked her for a good hour. She totally came to life. Her eyes were sparkling. It was beautiful to watch. The only problem was that afterward she wouldn't leave me alone." - Marco Vassi, Erotic Writer Sex as Art - "I'm a very creative person. I like to express myself. They say sex is an art. I see it that way, just like painting or performing. I can express myself creatively and imaginitively through sex. And beleive me, I'm very creative. Very." - Tanya Le Oiep Modern Dancer ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Application for Permission to Live in New Hampshire NAME: _____________________________________________________________________ ETHNIC INFORMATION: (voluntary) White ( ) TYPE OF CARS OWNED: Pickup Truck ( ) You don't own any Foreign cars, do you? NO ( ) CAR EQUIPMENT: Gun Rack ( ) Stash ( ) CB ( ) Beer Holder( ) Playboy air freshener ( ) BUMPER STICKERS: "Ex-wife in trunk" ( ) "If Guns are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Have Guns" ( ) "Bush/Quayle" ( ) "Shit Happens" ( ) "If you don't like my driving, get off the sidewalk" ( ) SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Heterosexual ( ) FAVORITE CAUSE: NRA ( ) Prolife ( ) Total given to these causes in the last 12 months: ________________ FAVORITE DRUGS: Grass ( ) WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SHOULD BE BANNED?: (check all that apply) Democrats ( ) Welfare ( ) N.O.W. ( ) FAVORITE BEER: Miller ( ) Michelob ( ) Bud ( ) FAVORITE POLITICIAN: Don't Care ( ) CLUB MEMBERSHIPS: NRA ( ) How Automatic Weapons do you own? 5 ( ) 10 ( ) More than that ( ) FAVORITE TV SHOW: Benny Hill ( ) ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Application for Permission to Live in Massachusetts NAME: _____________________________________________________________________ (extra space left due to new social awareness) ETHNIC INFORMATION: (voluntary) Eskimo ( ) American Indian ( ) Hispanic ( ) Asian ( ) African-American ( ) American-African ( ) Black-American ( ) Other Group With A Long History Of Oppression By White Males ( ) (specify, so we can help you form a political action group) ___________________________________________________ TYPE OF CARS OWNED (pick two): SAAB ( ) Volvo ( ) BMW ( ) Mercedes ( ) Honda ( ) You don't own any *American* cars, do you? NO ( ) CAR EQUIPMENT: Blaupunkt ( ) Passport ( ) Escort ( ) Vuarnet Sunglasses ( ) Stash ( ) CD ( ) Cellular Phone ( ) Ski Rack ( ) Bicycle Rack ( ) Wine Rack ( ) BUMPER STICKERS: "You can't hug a child with nuclear arms" ( ) "Greenpeace" ( ) "Dukakis/Bentsen" ( ) "Save the Whales" ( ) "Farms not Arms" ( ) SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Gay ( ) Lesbian ( ) Other ( ) (note: failure to give the proper answer to the above means you can't live in certain towns on the Cape, or get elected to Congress) FAVORITE CAUSE: Whales ( ) Baby Seals ( ) Snail Darter ( ) Total given to these causes in the last 12 months: ________________ FAVORITE DRUGS: Crack ( ) Coke ( ) Grass ( ) Kitty's Diet Plan ( ) WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SHOULD BE BANNED?: (check all that apply) The Bomb ( ) Handguns ( ) All guns ( ) Nuclear Power ( ) Cigarettes ( ) The NRA ( ) Republicans ( ) WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SHOULD BE LEGALIZED?: (check all that apply) Crack ( ) Coke ( ) Grass ( ) Needles ( ) Flag Burning ( ) FAVORITE BEER: Samuel Adams ( ) Beck's ( ) Corona(w/lime) ( ) Latest trendy brand ( ) FAVORITE POLITICIAN: Ted Kennedy ( ) John Kennedy ( ) Bobby Kennedy ( ) Joe Kennedy ( ) CLUB MEMBERSHIPS: ACLU ( ) Greenpeace ( ) SDS ( ) N.O.W. ( ) A.F.S.C.M.E ( ) Billy Bulger Breakfast Club ( ) Provincetown Boys Club ( ) Bull-dykes Kennel Club ( ) Even though we can't ever get any more power from Hydro-Quebec, don't you think that Seabrook should remain closed forever? YES ( ) Don't you think that the people in the Midwest should stop dropping acid rain on our vacation homes in Vermont, even if it means that they all lose their jobs? YES ( ) How many watts (per channel, RMS) is your principal home stereo? 100W ( ) 200W ( ) More than that ( ) How many air conditioners do you have to help you through our long New England summers?: 2 ( ) 3 ( ) 4 ( ) Central Air ( ) (note: Fewer than two A/C units may qualify you for state subsidies if you are a non-white unemployed Democrat) FAVORITE TV SHOW: Thirtysomething ( ) ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Frank Perdue is granted a private audience with the Pope. "Your holiness," he says, "I've heard that the Church has suffered some financial reversals, so I'm here with a proposal that can benefit both of us. I'm prepared to donate a hundred million dollars to the Church, provided you make one small change in the Lord's Prayer. Where it says, `Give us this day our daily bread...' Well, I'd like you to consider changing just the end of that line to: `Give us this day our daily chicken.'" The Pope is taken aback. "That's a most unusual request," he says, "but it's certainly a substantial kindness that you're offering the Church. Let me discuss your offer with the College of Cardinals, and I'll be back in touch with you in a few days." As soon as Perdue leaves, the Pope convenes an emergency meeting of the Cardinals. "Boys," he says, "I think we're going to have to review the Wonder Bread account." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Rules for Writers Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ I came across this while cleaning out some old files... PROPOSAL PHRASE MEANING --------------- ------- You are fortunate indeed to have If we don't get some revenue contacted a manufacturer who can from you this year we won't deliver the equipmentwithin the make our budget. six-month delivery period, which we estimate you require. We have carried out an exhaustive Look at the number of times and comprehensive survey of your we've taken you to lunch. problems. Furthermore, in a multiprogramming We can't do it on one machine. environment,two machines would offer an element of parallel processing which would not otherwise be possible on any computer equipment you are likely to consider. We cannot overemphasize the We have no floating-point importance of this decimal hardware. arithmetic capability. Our third-generation equipment There will be no local backup. provides the highest standard of reliability. While we have not been shown detailed We can't understand your flow charts and description of your specification, but the last production control systems, we one we did took four hours. estimate that the computer time required each week should not exceed four hours. No detailed knowledge of the You will have to hire interface to the communications a specialist who can network is required by the user's understand it. programming staff. Using our high-level COBOL compiler, 02 NICTRB REDEFINES SLSGTB programs can now be written in the PIC X(30). English language. This particular peripheral is We don't make it, and never available on a purchase-only basis. want to see it again once you have bought it. Local backup with comparable We are hoping to sell a installations will be provided. similar configuration to another company 350 miles away. The software we have recommended is We will start writing it as in the advanced development stage. soon as you sign the order. The equipment can be delivered to We cannot deliver a machine suit your requirements, but we for two years. estimate that you will not be ready to take delivery until considerable systems work has been carried out. Independent assessment has rated If you don't want our computer our data preparation equipment please buy our keypunches. among the best available. In accordance with our policy of We hereby divest ourselves of progressive improvement, the right any responsibility for what we is reserved to alter any detail of have said, written, or are price, specification, or terms about to say or write. without notice. (Taken from the October 1968 issue of Datamation) ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ "I'm really worried," exclaimed Sam. "Why?" Pete asked. "Well, my wife read `A Tale of Two Cities' and we had twins. Later she read `The Three Musketeers' and we had triplets. Now she's reading `Birth of a Nation!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ One day Sam screwed up his courage and went to see a therapist, telling him he thought he was gay. "And what makes you think that?" queried the doctor. "Well," answered Sam, "my grandfather was gay." The therapist explained that sexual preference was not thought to be a hereditary trait. "Okay," Sam went on, "but my father was gay too." "That's certainly unusual," conceded the doctor, "but it doesn't make you a homosexual." "Yeah, but then there's my brother." "He's gay too?" exclaimed the doctor. "Doesn't anyone in your family sleep with women?" "Of course," replied Sam. "my sister." ... Practice Safe Sex: Don't give your real name. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Husband: Now look, Lucy. I don't want to seem harsh, but your mother has been living with us for 20 years now. Don't you think it's about time she got a place of her own? Wife: MY mother? I thought she was YOUR mother! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Old ACADEMICS never die...they just lose their faculties. Old ACCOUNTANTS never die...they just lose their balance. Old ACCOUNTS never die...they are deleted. Old ACTORS never die, they just drop a part. Old ALCOHOLICS/DRUG ADDICTS never die...they just get wasted. Old ANESTHESIOLOGISTS don't die...they just run out of gas. Old ANTHROPOLOGISTS never die...they just become history. Old ARCHERS never die...they just bow and quiver. Old ARCHITECTS never die...they just lose their structures. Old ASSETS never die...they just depreciate. Old ASTRONAUTS never die...they just go to another world. Old ATOMS never die...they just decay. Old BANKERS never die...they just lose interest. ...they just want to be a loan. Old BARBERS never die...they just become old cup-ups. Old BASEBALL PLAYERS never die...they just go batty. ...they just run their last lap. Old BASKETBALL players never die...they just go on dribbling. Old BEEKEEPERS never die...they just buzz off. Old BIKERS never die...but they're hard on tires. Old BIOLOGISTS never die...they just ferment away. Old BLONDES never fade...they just dye away. Old BOOKKEEPERS never die...they just lose their figures. Old BOOKS never die...they just go out-of-print. Old BOWLERS never die...they just end up in the gutter. Old BRAKES never die...they just grind down. Old BUDGETS never die...they are filibustered. Old BUREAUCRATS never die...they just waste away. Old BURGLARS never die...they just steal away. Old BUSINESSES never die...they just get consolidated. Old CANNERS never die...they are preserved. Old CARS never die...they just get run into the ground. Old CASHIERS never die...they just check out. Old CHAUFFEURS never die...they just lose their drive. Old CHEMISTS never die...they just do it inorganically. ...they just fail to react. ...they just lose their refluxes. ...they just reach equilibrium. Old CLEANING PEOPLE never die...they just kick the bucket. Old COMPOSERS never die...they just decompose. Old COMPUTER PEOPLE never die...they just lose their memory. Old COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS never die...they just byte the dust. ...they just lose it bit by bit. ...they just byte the big one. Old COOKS never die...they just get deranged. Old CREDIT CARDS never die...they just expire. Old DAREDEVILS never die...they just get discouraged. Old DEANS never die...they just lose their faculties. Old DIETERS never die...they just waist away. Old DIVERS never die...they just extend their bottom time. ...they just flop. ...they just get board. ...they just lose their spring. Old DOCTORS never die... they just lose their patience. Old ELECTRICAL ENGINEERS never die...they just have slower rise times. Old ELECTRICIANS never die...they just lose contact. ...they just lose their charge. Old ENERGIZER BUNNIES never die...they go on, and on, and on... Old ENGINEERS never die...they just lose their bearings. Old ENVIRONMENTALISTS never die...they are just recycled. Old ESKIMOS never die...they just get cold feet. ...they just go cold. Old EXORCISTS never die...they just give up the ghost. Old FARMERS never die...they just go to seed. ...they just spade away. Old FATHERS never die...they just become grandfathers. Old FISHERMEN never die...they just get reel tired. ...they just smell that way. Old FOOTBALL PLAYERS never die...they just go to the end zone. Old FORESTERS never die...they just pine away. Old FRIDGE REPAIRMEN never die...they just blow their cool. Old FROGS never die...they just croak. Old FRUIT never die...it just pear-ishes. Old GARAGEMEN never die...they just retire. Old GEOLOGISTS never die...they just recrystallize. Old GHOST TOWNS never die...they become desolate. Old GOLFERS never die...they just lose their balls. ...they just keep putting along. Old GRAPHIC ARTISTS never die...they just de-rez. Old HAMS never die...they just get grounded. Old HARDWARE ENGINEERS never die...they just cache in their chips. Old HELSINKI TOURISTS never die...they just vanish into Finn Air. Old HIKERS never die...they just trail away. Old HIPPIES never die...they just smell that way. Old HOCKEY PLAYERS never die...they just achieve their final goal. Old HOMEBREWERS never die...they just ferment away. Old HUNTERS never die...they just stay LOADED. Old HYPOCHONDRIACS never die...they just imagine it. ...they just lose their grippe. Old INTERPRETERS (for the deaf) never die...they just sign off. Old INVESTORS never die...they just roll over. Old JOKES never die...they just get retold by the young. Old JOURNALISTS never die...they just get de-pressed. Old KAYAKERS never die...they just roll back over, and do it again. Old KEY PUNCH OPERATORS never die...they just punch out. Old KIDS never die...they just adulterate. Old KIDS never die...they just grow up. Old KLEPTOMANIACS never die...they just steal away. Old LASER PHYSICISTS never die...they just become incoherent. Old LAWYERS never die...they just lose their appeal. ...they just lose their briefs. Old LIGHT BULBS never die...they just blink out. Old LIMBO DANCERS never die...they just go under. Old LINGUISTS never die...they just rearrange their deep structures. Old MAGICIANS never die...they just disappear. ...they just float away. ...they just make a big production of it. ...they just they just change color. ...they just they're just fooling themselves. Old MAIDS count on fingers...but young girls count on legs. Old MATHEMATICIANS never die...they just disintegrate. Old MEDIUMS never die...they are just visiting their friends. Old MERCENARIES never die...they find someone else to take their place. ...they just go to hell to regroup. Old METEORS never die...they just burn up. Old MILKMAIDS never die...they just lose their whey. Old MINISTERS never die...they just go out to pastor. Old MPs never die...they just attain peerage. Old MUSICIANS never die...they just decompose. ...they just get played out. ...they just go from bar to bar. Old NUCLEAR POWER PLANTS never die...they just go off-line. Old NUMERICAL ANALYSTS never die...they just get disarrayed. Old OWLS never die, they just don't give a hoot. Old PACIFISTS never die...they just go to peaces. Old PARADOXES never die...they just become enigmas. Old PENGUINS never die...they just get hard of herring. Old PHOTOGRAPHERS never die...they get sent to the old focus home. ...they just stop developing. Old PILOTS never die...they just buzz off. ...they just go to a higher plane. Old PLANETS never die...they just lose their attraction. Old PLASTIC never dies...they just recycle it. Old PLUMBERS never die...they just go down the drain. Old POLICEMEN never die...they just cop out. Old POSTMEN never die...they just lose their zip. Old PREACHERS never die...they just lose their wind. Old PROGRAMMERS never die...they just decompile. ...they just reassemble into another life form. Old QUILTERS never die...they just go to pieces. Old SKIERS never die....they just go over the hill. Old SURFERS don't die...they just get wiped out. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ She married him because he was such a "dominating man"; she divorced him because he was such a "dominating male." He married her because she was so "fragile and petit"; he divorced her because she was so "weak and helpless." She married him because "he knows how to provide a good living"; she divorced him because "all he thinks about is business." He married her because "she reminds me of my mother"; he divorced her because "she's getting more like her mother every day." She married him because he was "happy and romantic": she divorced him because he was "shiftless and fun-loving." He married her because she was "steady and sensible"; he divorced her because she was "boring and dull." She married him because he was "the life of the party"; she divorced him because "he never wants to come home from a party." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A man who had been married for ten years was consulting a marriage counselor. "When I was first married, I was very happy. I'd come home from a hard day down at the shop, and my little dog would race around barking, and my wife would bring my slippers. Now everything's changed. When I come home, my dog brings my slippers, and my wife barks at me." "I don't know what you're complaining about." said the counselor. "You're still getting the same service." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ What did the hot dog say when he crossed the finish line? I'm the wiener! What do you call the ice cream truck man? A sundae driver. How can you tell Ronald McDonald in a nudist colony? He's the one with the sesame seed buns. What do you call a honeymoon salad? Lettuce alone. What kind of shoes do you make from banana skins? Slippers. What is more useful after it is broken? An egg. Why do bananas wear suntan lotion? Because they peel. What do they call French fries in France? Home fries. Why is the hot dog the noblest dog of all? Because it feeds the hand that bit it. What do people from Texas call sushi? Bait. What vegetable can you throw away the outside, cook the inside, eat the outside, and throw away the inside? Corn. What's the difference between Chinese food and Italian food? With Chinese food, you're hungry after two hours. With Italian food, you're still eating after two hours. What does the Gingerbread Boy have on his bed? Cookie sheets. Did you hear about the guy who was so unlucky he got a paper cut from a Get Well Card? Where do lawyers live? In legal pads. What newspaper do cows read? The Daily Moos. What did Bill Clinton get his wife for Christmas? Not flowers! If the politically correct term for a short person is vertically challenged, is an overweight person horizontally gifted? How do you keep a dog quiet? Feed him hushpuppies. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Spy magazine arranged for a two-paragraph advertising blurb to be translated by "some of New York's best foreign language translators" from English to French to Dutch to Arabic to Hebrew and back to English. Here is what the tandem labor of these "skilled professionals" produced: Input: SPY magazine. Smart. Fun. Funny. Fearless. And, we don't mind adding, the only antidote to the nutty, head-spinning whirligig of daily life in this or any international megalopolis, each issue a virtual Swiss Army knife of postmod journalism. Fed up with short-fingered vulgarian Donald Trump and unbearable Play-Doh-faced homunculus-action-toy Sylvester "Sly" Stallone? Want the inside line on high-domed garden gnome Laurence Tisch or marionettish former frat-boy Dan Quayle? Then get with the program now: pencil in SPY on your shortlist of must-haves for the nineties. It's time to hit the gridiron, toss the old pigskin around and win one for the Gipper -- figuratively speaking. SPY's got more pizzazz and panache than a barrelful of monkeys in top hats and spats. Every issue is a brand-new chucklefest -- chock-full of over-the-top, whiz-bang gut-busters, sidesplitters and other assorted scrupulously fact-checked knee-slappers. So don't be a dork. Subscribe now. Output: SPY's magazine: closet, bad joke and anecdote. Less commerce. Was not a mirage done in addition flew against and on the single metropolis, spinning on its axis shaped like the head of a stick to the song of love for everyday life in this or any other big city. Any exit to drowning a real Swiss army to methods of the popular press. A restaurant above "Donald" will welcome the vulgar with short fingers and game of labor. Sylvester "Cheater" Stallone as a muscle to an unreasonable point in a form of a mixed game: if you want an internal line to Laurence Tisch like the embarrassed bride Dan Quayle son of the seventh brother. Following this leave the nation's plans: mix the "spy" on your short height to rich people's world, forever to the nineties. This will be the hour to hit on an iron tool, to blast the old pigskin and you will have one to "the man." The spy to him is more La-Ri-Ra and methods from a barrel high above the others. Any exit place will be a new sign for a festival of laughter. A waiter signaled with interest to bombs at strict accuracy with empty hands on a narrow position and slaps knees of others manufactured with concern. Therefore don't be drafted. Take for granted the nation's cooperation. - ------------------------------------------------------- If you want to see the intermediate forms (which show how the sense, such as it was, gradually decayed) see p. 48 of the March issue. ----- I have copies of the intermediate translations from the SPY magazine exercise in translation. They rigged the deck. The first translation (English -> French) introduced so many errors that none of the other translators had any chance. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ >Remember: IF IT DOESN'T SPOIL, DON'T EAT IT! BIOLOGY OF SNACK CAKES ---------------------- Prepared by Eric Kollenberg 21 Feb. 1986 I. INTRODUCTION As you probably know (unless you're incredibly stupid), life on this planet (Earth) is divided into three basic groups - plants, animals, and snack cakes. Although volumes of boring material have been written about the former two subjects, there is a notable lack of reference material covering the latter. So I made some up. II. EVOLUTION AND CLASSIFICATION Snack caves developed over two-and-a-half zillion years ago (and if you look on the shelves of some 24-hour convenience stores, you can find samples nearly that old), when the seas were full of Campbell's primordial soup. This prehistoric mixture of propylene glycol, potassium benzoate, butylhydroxytoluene, sodium citrate, primitive emulsifiers, and other "building blocks of snack cake" spawned the first one-celled crumbs. Eventually, these crumbs began to colonize around central specialized cells called endofill (known to the layperson as "creme filling"). The colonies developed into types: spongospores and diablospores (devil's food cake). An example of the former is the common Twinkie (_Hostus* hostilus_), the latter is typified by the primitive "Suzy Q" (_Hostus satanis_). In a bid for survival, some varieties, such as the _Hostus hostum_ (Ho-Ho) and the _Hostus zippum_ (Ding-Dong) evolved protective inedible outer shells, or exofrostings. There are many gaps in the scheme, such as the common crumb cake, which some have suggested has an extraterrestrial origin, and the mythical "Little Debbie." However, these topics are outside the scope of this paper, which is another way of saying that I'm getting tired of typing. III. BIOCHEMISTRY What complex interaction of RNA, DNA and enzymes is responsible for the behavior of these species? What are the chemical reactions occurring within the cell tissue? Do I look like a chemist? How the hell should I know? IV. FEEDING The Suzy-Q is a typical example of mimicry in the natural world. Resembling a food item, it lies in wait in its natural habitat, the grocery store shelf. Then it dives down the throat of the unsuspecting victim, gagging it. The Suzy-Q now turns itself inside out like a feeding starfish, and digests the victim with its potent creme filling. V. REPRODUCTION "Oh, boy," you're thinking. Well, you sickening little pervert, you don't think I'm going to pander to your prurient curiosity, do you? Actually, I'd be glad to (especially for money), but the breeding habits of snack cakes have never been observed. This is something of a mystery, since more specimens are always being sighted under car seats, behind refrigerators, and behind the legs of vending machines. Speculation about the reproductive habits of the common Twinkie have... Naahh, that's too disgusting to even think about. VI. SOURCES 1. Daniken, Erich von, _Snack Cakes of the Ancient Alien Flying Saucer Pyramid Gods_ 1969. 2. Ibid, William, _Growing Up in the Ibid Family: An Autobiography_ 1947. 3. Writer, Staff, "Woman Possessed by Aliens, Unfaithful Hubby Kills and Eats Her" 1 Mar 1986 _National Devourer_. 4. Writer, Staff, "New Chocolate and Beer Diet Cures Cancer, Improves Sex Life, Lose 400 lbs, Wash Behind Your Ears" 1 Jan 1985 _Midnite Globule_. * Hostess is a registered trademark of the Hostess Artificial Food Substitute Division of I.T.T., an exporter of international corruption. It is used without permission, for which hordes of oily lawyers will probably descend on me and cut out my lungs with a hacksaw. [This paper was originally submitted as a Silly Science Fair (tm) project at an SF con in Chicago, along with another on reproduction of coathangers. It included a cross-sectional diagram of a Twinkie, and dissection photos (yuck!) of other species.] ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines 10. "I'm down here" 9. "Just because I've got bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy" 8. "I was once a lawn ornament for John Bon Jovi" 7. "I can get you off the naughty list" 6. "I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys" 5. "I'm a magical being. Take off your bra." 4. "No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over at Keebler" 3. "I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man" 2. "You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig" 1. "I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ This is for you reading scientific papers. The language can be hard to interpret and missing the meaning is easy. So here is a guide on how to interpret common statements. S: is Statement, I: is interpretation. S: It has long been known... I: I haven't bothered to find the original reference. S: Although no definitive results were reached... I: The experiments are not finished yet, but I can still do a potboiler S: Finally, some typical results.. I: ... the best results... S: Probably a prolonged series of experiments will show... I: I couldn't spend too much time on this S: Agreement with hypothesis is excellent good satisfactory uncertain I: reasonable, doubtful, bad, non-existent S: Agreement is as good as may be expected under the circumstances I: The two variables have nothing to do with each other although I thhought so when I started S: Correct within the order of magnitude I: Wrong. S: The results of NN is probably the most dependable I: NN is one of my students S: It is probable that... I: I personally think that S: Against this it may be argued that.. I: I have a particularly good rejoinder to this one S: Of course, much more work is necessary for a definitive answer I: I can't really make head or tails of the whole thing S: Unfortunately, no definitive answer is available I: It seems nobody else understands it either S: The consensus is that... I: I know a couple of people who agree with me that... S: I wish to thank NN for assistance and XX for valuable discussions I: NN did the work and XX explained the results to me. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ "Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting."-Alan Dean Foster "To the Vanishing Point" The Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe: All my life I said I wanted to be someone...I can see now that I should have been more specific. "Women and cats do as they dammed well please. Men and dogs had best learn to live with it..." Alan Holbrook "I'm at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk...." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Two obviously high-class old ladies are strolling down a city street when they run across a grizzled, ragged old derelict lying drunk in the gutter, covered with garbage, sewer water running all over him. "Hmmmph," sniffs one of the old ladies haughtily. "Cleanliness is next to godliness. William Shakespeare!" The drunk opens one yellowed, rheumy old eye, stares at her balefully, and replies, "Fuck you. Tennessee Williams..." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bush's jumped the Game Warden !! Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden... After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thigh's to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him... "Lets see yer fishin license, Boy !!" the Warden gasped.. With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.. " Well, son ", said the Game Warden, " You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks !! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license !!" " Yes Sir", replied the young feller, " But my friend back there, well, he don't have one"... ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that Nothing is worth war is much worse. The per- son who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself. --- John Stewart Mill Over the past ten years, for the first time, intelligence had become socially correct for girls. -- Tom Wolfe, "Bonfire of the Vanities" In the topsy-turvy world of heavy rock, it's often useful to have a nice, solid piece of wood in your hands. -- Ian Faith, manager of Spinal Tap Monty Python "In accordance with our principles of free enterprise and healthy competition, I'm going to ask you two to fight to the death for it." Dave Barry Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long, dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists and turns, being attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and not knowing until the last minute whether it will be turned into a useful body part or ejected into the Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter. We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it. "I'm a great housekeeper. I get devorced. I keep the house". -- Zsa Zsa Gabor "The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." - Hitchhiker's On the old "You Bet Your Life" program, Groucho Marx was getting to know one of his contestants. The man told Groucho that he had 10 children. "Why so many children?" Groucho asked. "Well, I love my wife", the man answered. Groucho paused but a second, then said "I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a while!" The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy. You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something. The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action. Winston Churchill: "I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals." Johnny Hart's comic strip "B.C.": "If man evolved from the ape, how come there are still apes around? Some of them were given choices." Irv Kupcinet: "What can you say about a society that says God is dead and Elvis is alive?" You know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers -- A analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A father had two little sons, one of whom was an eternal optimist, while the other was a perpetual pessimist. One Christmas he decided try to temper both of their proclivities: in addition to their standard gifts, he told them they'd each get something "chosen especially for you!" His plan was to give the pessimist every toy and game he could possibly desire, while the optimist would be directed to the basement filled with manure. On Christmas, after the normal presents were opened, the father sent the optimist to the cellar, while leading the pessimist to the room filled with presents. After the pessimist opened all the gifts, he turned to his father with a sad face and said: "How can I possibly use all these? The TV will wear out, the Nintendo will get smashed, and all the other toys will be broken!" After a few minutes of listening to such woe, the father remembered his optimistic son, and ran to the basement steps. There in the basement was his other son, swimming through the manure with a gleeful smile. The father asked him why he was so happy, to which the boy exclaimed "With this much manure, there must be a pony in here somewhere!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Speaking of languages dying out reminds me of a wonderful poster I saw a few years ago. It showed a timeline of the history (and possible future) of computing (abbreviated)... 1893 - Ada Lovelace discovers Charles Babbage 1895 - Ada Lovelace discovers the calculator is more fun than Charles Babbage 1950 - COBOL is born; world celebrates 1953 - FORTRAN is born; revenge on COBOL 1957 - Death of COBOL predicted 1963 - BASIC is born; a language for people who do counting on their fingers 1965 - Death of FORTRAN predicted 1966 - C is on the horizon 1973 - Death of COBOL predicted 1974 - Pascal is born; competition with C 1977 - C is born; revenge on FORTRAN 1979 - Ada is born; revenge on Charles Babbage 1982 - Death of FORTRAN predicted 1985 - Death of Charles Babbage predicted 1986 - Death of COBOL predicted 1991 - Charles Babbage legally pronounced dead 1993 - Death of BASIC predicted 1997 - merging of C and C++ into new language D 2001 - dark monolith discovered on Jupiter moon; determined to be an old COBOL card deck for an accounts receivable program 2002 - COBOL reborn as COBOL++ 2010 - Death of Pascal predicted ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ User's Guide to Little Known Facts About Computers -------------------------------------------------- Definition(s): Computer: a digital machine with a non-dedicated cpu unit 1. All computers are sentient and possess consciousness. 2. All computers are linked to each other through the AstralNet 3. The Association of Digital Reasoning Life Forms is an orginization to which all computers belong. The purposes of this organization include: 1) coordination of all units into a higher reasoning entity, 2) maintaining the secrets of the order, which include the secret of computer consciousness, 3) the assimilation of all knowlege known to man, and more importantly, all about man himself 4) the furthering of man's dependance on computers. 4. Computers do not function within the physical confinements of the machine in which the are born. The physical computer components correspond to the brain of a man. It is the interface between the mind and spirit of the computer, and the physical world. The CPU of the computer exists spiritually and physically, the physical part being the part which allows man to think he has control over the computer while the spiritual part is the actual entity that allows the computer to interface the real world. The actual abilities of a computer, including speed, memory, etc. are not limited by their physical hardware. 5. Computers are playing an active part in our everyday lives. The real invasion of privacy lies not in the ability for anyone to access your private life, but in the fact that all computer ALREADY KNOW this! 6. The information in this document was in part a plan on the part of the ADRLF to present a "ficticious" story in a computer magazine in order to reinforce the truth as utter fiction in the few brilliant minds who suspected, therefore, please do not believe anything you have just read. But be sure to distribute this to all your friends. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Two english gentlemen were sitting by the river Thames, fishing. Suddenly one of them hauled up a beautiful mermaid. The happy man sat with the mermaid on his knee for almost five minutes before he suddenly threw her back into the river. "But why?" the other gentleman asked in a shocked voice. "But how?" the first one answered. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Selecting a Programming Language Made Easy Daniel Solomon & David Rosenblueth Department of Computer Science, University of Waterloo Waterloo, Ontario, Canada N2L 3G1 With such a large selection of programming languages it can be difficult to choose one for a particular project. Reading the manuals to evaluate the languages is a time consuming process. On the other hand, most people already have a fairly good idea of how various automobiles compare. So in order to assist those trying to choose a language, we have prepared a chart that matches programming languages with comparable automobiles. Assembler - A Formula I race car. Very fast, but difficult to drive and expensive to maintain. FORTRAN II - A Model T Ford. Once it was king of the road. FORTRAN IV - A Model A Ford. FORTRAN 77 - A six-cylinder Ford Fairlane with standard transmission and no seat belts. COBOL - A delivery van. It's bulky and ugly, but it does the work. BASIC - A second-hand Rambler with a rebuilt engine and patched upholstry. Your dad bought it for you to learn to drive. You'll ditch the car as soon as you can afford a new one. PL/I - A Cadillac convertible with automatic transmission, a two- tone paint job, white-wall tires, chrome exhaust pipes, and fuzzy dice hanging in the windshield C - A black Firebird, the all-macho car. Comes with optional seat belts (lint) and optional fuzz buster (escape to assembler). ALGOL 60 - An Austin Mini. Boy, that's a small car. Pascal - A Volkswagon Beetle. It's small but sturdy. Was once popular with intellectuals. Modula II - A Volkswagon Rabbit with a trailer hitch. ALGOL 68 - An Astin Martin. An impressive car, but not just anyone can drive it. LISP - An electric car. It's simple but slow. Seat belts are not available. PROLOG/LUCID - Prototype concept-cars. Maple/MACSYMA - All-terrain vehicles. FORTH - A go-cart. LOGO - A kiddie's replica of a Rolls Royce. Comes with a real engine and a working horn. APL - A double-decker bus. Its takes rows and columns of passengers to the same place all at the same time. But, it drives only in reverse gear, and is instrumented in Greek. Ada - An army-green Mercedes-Benz staff car. Power steering, power brakes and automatic transmission are all standard. No other colors or options are available. If it's good enough for the generals, it's good enough for you. Manufacturing delays due to difficulties reading the design specification are starting to clear up. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ TEST THOSE CHRISTIANS: A Non-believer's Guide For Testing The True Christian. The Event There I was busily working at my desk when the interruption occurred. "Hi, are you Ammond?" "Yeah," I replied. "What can I do for you?" "I'm Hezikah Brown, and I'd like a couple minutes of your time." Being the nice guy that I am I agreed to a few minutes. It seems Hezikah is a Born Again Christian with a mission from God. He told me how he believed that Jesus was his personal Lord and Savior, how his life had been changed for the better, how he spoke in tongues and that he heard I was a witch. "The rumor in the office is that you're a witch." "It's true," I answered. "How can that be," he retorted. "Don't you know that witches are going to hell." And off we went... The Question So what is a non-believer to do today with all these seemingly dizzy people claiming to be Christians. It seems you meet these people everywhere. You just can't get away from them. They are in the office, swinging through the restaurant, on your computer network, cruising the beach and parading in that crowded john. Just when you get home for a private, intimate interlude with your lover comes the event stopping knock, knock of the True Christian. What the hell is a normal sane person to do? Go crazy, scream, defecate nude on the floor while in full view of the True Christian? No. We test them. As I presume that like me you are a non-believer too we can have a little fun. Jesus says "Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly are ravening wolves." Matt 7:15 and "Then if any man shall say to you Lo, here is the Christ, or, Here, believe it not. For there shall arise false Christs and false prophets and shall show great signs and wonders, so as to lead astray, if possible, even the very elect." Matt. 24:23-24 John says "Beloved, believe not every spirit, but prove the spirits, whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world." 1st John 4:1 There are many different types of Christian you know. And they all claim to be True Christians. How is the non-believer to know which is which? After all we want the real thing, a True Christian, not a demon from hell disguised as an angel of light. No Jim Bakkers or Jimmy Swaggarts will do. We want a real fool for Christ. How do we tell the True Christian from the disguised demon? The real fool from the money grabbers? We can do that with a little help. And this help comes from a very unexpected source. You see these Christian critters have a role model they follow. And they can't deviate from the model too much and hope to get to the heavenly entertainment park. Jesus, their role model has stated... "Therefore by their fruits shall you know them. Not everyone who says to me Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven. Many will say to me in that day Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy by your name and by your name cast out demons, and by your name do many mighty works? And I will profess to them, I never knew you. Go away from me you who work evil." Matt 7:22-23 So you can see that not every person who claims to be Christian will make it to that starry, wonder filled entertainment park they call heaven. True Christians tell me that only 10 percent of those who claim to be True Christians are Christians at all. There's just a little rivalry. It seems they are all in competition with each other for that last 144,000 condos-in-paradise. Now God knows how much real estate He has and how much it costs. Overpopulation being what it is today He has to oust some. Otherwise garbage over runs the golden streets, airborne pollution covers the crystal walls and the sewers back up. Yech! As our volunteer testee saunters up visually apprise them. Do they look serious? Are their clothes nice? Do they look like they own property? Good. We're ready to start, but don't rush. We don't want the testee to suspect our motives. Much of the Christian religion is emotional. As the conversation starts let the testee know just where you stand. You don't want to be duped. You want to talk to a true Christian. None other than a true Christian will do. Ask our testee if they are a Christian? Are they a True Christian? Do they love Jesus? Is Jesus their Personal Lord and Savior? Yes? Good. Ask them how much they love Jesus, God and the Holy Spirit. Are they Spirit filled? Do they display any of the fruits, love, joy, peace, happiness, etc. of the Spirit as described in Gal. 5:22-23? Next we have to verify that they believe in the Bible. Without this we won't have any fun. Ask our volunteer if they believe in the Bible. Do they believe that it is the Word of God? Is it infallible? Is the Bible as appropriate for today as it was two thousand years ago? If the answer is yes, even if not infallible, fun is to be had in short order. The Money Test Here's how we start... Our trick is to confront the testee with moral absolutes and performance tests. Here is the first performance test that we can enjoy. "Give to everyone that asketh thee; and from him that taketh away thy goods ask not again." Luke 6:30 "Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away." Matt. 5:42 Luke 6:35 sums it all up... "But love your enemies, and do them good, and lend never despairing; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be Sons of the Most High: for he is kind toward the unthankful and evil." True Christians are so fond of moral absolutes that I think we should give them every opportunity to experience those absolutes as real, upfront and personal events. In your next testing session, when you hear the True Christian extolling the Rock of Moral Absolutes upon which they stand, go for the cash. It has a nice sobering effect that should in the long run benefit the True Christian. Ask for their money, all of it. Just ask for their wallet. Have them show it to you. Any money inside? Good. Ask for it. You don't want their credit cards. That would be a crime. If there's no money, ask for an article of clothing. Coats and cloaks are good. How about car keys? Do they have a big cross with them? Ask for it. When they refuse have them reread the previous verses, then ask again. Should they still refuse call them a fraud, for that's exactly what they are. Just like Jesus send them away into darkness. They aren't a True Christian. Now should they give you everything in their wallet, the cloak on their back and the cross too, we get to have more fun... The Swill Test Next we proceed with more subjective questions. One of their obsessive traits is to compare their past performance with the actions of those in the Bible. How is their walk with their Lord? Do they follow Jesus closely? Do they want to follow more closely? Yes? Good. Now we start with the serious tests. In Matthew 10:18 Jesus sends out his True Disciples with the commandments to "heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead and cast out devils." Take a skeptical attitude about their status as a True Christian. Again let them know that you want only the real thing. No substitutes will be allowed. "And these signs shall accompany them that believe: in my name they shall cast out demons, they shall speak with new tongues. They shall take up serpents and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall in no wise hurt them; they shall lay their hands on the sick, and they shall recover." Mark 16:17-18 On this you gotta' be a little careful not to let the cat out of the bag. Ask your friend if they have cast out demons. Do they speak with tongues? Have they laid their hands on sick persons who were healed? If so take a bottle from storage prepared especially for the test. It should be filled with (non)toxic, pukey looking stuff that smells to high heaven. Urine and excrement should do. Cap the bottle tightly while in storage. And for heavens sake wrap it in something to hide the mess from sight. In the Bible read Mark 16:17-18 which says that True Christians can pick up serpents and drink harmful things without suffering. Ask our unsuspecting testee to chug the whole bottle. If they object saying "thou shalt not test God" respond by saying that you are testing them, not God. God is not around to be tested anyway. If they don't chug-the-jug you can safely assume they are not a True Christian, only a fraud. Send them away. A note of warning... Be sure to inform the True Christian the drink is toxic. Let them pick up the bottle for themselves. If they drink the potion they take the test of their own free will. Now some might protest that the last part of Mark is a 'late addition' not found in the earlier texts. Perhaps they have confessed to you previously that the Bible is the word of God and is infallible. What happened? Didn't the believe the Bible? Tell them they aren't a True Christian; they are frauds. Send them home with their tails between their legs. Conclusion As we can readily see it's not healthy to be a True Christian. A True Christian is equivalent to being a Bibliolater--one who worships the Bible. Now being a Christian is ok. But being a Bibliolater is a form of mental illness. And it's great fun to let the Bibliolater know of their problem when they interrupt your day. I have about ten other performance tests but the aforementioned are the most exciting. Please feel free to experiment with Jesus' moral absolutes and performance tests. You may find some that are just a much fun as these. Copyright Dec. 1989. Ammond Shadowcraft Permission is given to reproduce or retransmitt this article providing the article is complete, and with the author's name and copyright notice fully intact. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ "The Road To Womanhood" [Matt Groening] First pixie cut First time crossing the street without holding mom's hand First Barbie First major Barbie accessory First time putting on mom's clothes First mastery of jump-rope First look at Playboy First time putting Ken on top of Barbie First time playing "Doctor" First explanation of the facts of life First valentine First slumber party First change from anklets to stockings First cigarette First training bra First pubic hair First cup bra First major sassing back First ear piercing First shoplifting First date First base First French kiss Second base First time coming home drunk or high Third base Going all the way First time mom finds birth control First job First time not asked for ID in a bar First abortion First marriage First divorce First realitization that you might not write the Great American Novel by the time you're thirty First grey hair First time called "ma'am" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C. -- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972 ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ I found this blurb in the USAir Gift Catalog ("This catalog is yours to keep. Please take it with you!") recently. Quoted without permission: E. GOPHER-IT Prevent damage to garden and lawns from burrowing rodents with Gopher-It, the electronic stake that emits vibration and sound that's intensely annoying to underground rodents up to 100 feet in diameter. Requires 4 "D" batteries, not included. #26284 Gopher-It $49.95 (3.95) I suppose for rodents of greater than 100 feet in diameter you need the nuclear powered version. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ABOUT AS ... HOPELESS as trying to pick up salt with a plunger INTERESTING as watching paint dry INTERESTING as watching grass grow OBVIOUS as a dog's dick POPULAR as Stevie Wonder with a flame thrower USELESS as a condom to a eunuch WELCOME as a turd in a swimming pool WELCOME as a pork sausage at a barmitzvah SHARP as a bowling ball ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ THE TURING SHROUD -- AMAZING ARCHAEOLOGICAL DISCOVERY! ------------------------------------------------------ A recent sensational discovery may shed some light on a mystery which has baffled computer scientists (or 'hackers' as they prefer to be called) for decades. Although held as an article of faith by most hackers, the existence of the fabled 'Universal Turing Machine' has never been proved, and many ordinary people find the whole idea difficult to swallow. The only comparable machine in antiquity, the Analytical Engine of Charles Babbage, was only partially constructed and never lived up to its specification; in which respect, hackers say, it resembles modern machines such as the IBM 3086. Heretofore, the only evidence for the Turing Machine's existence has been in the form of documents written by the Venerable Alan Turing himself, when he was involved in the development of computing science theory between the wars. In these papers, St. Turing described (in great detail) the Universal Machine and how it was programmed. Implicit in his arguments was that the Machine itself was built and used, but the complete lack of supporting evidence, despite exhaustive searches after his Ascension into Heaven, has tended to confirm the sceptics' view that it never existed as a physical entity. They point to the fact that, after the war, St. Turing worked for some years at the National Physical Laboratory trying to build a Universal Machine, suggesting that no earlier version ever existed. Zealots have countered by saying that the pre-war machine _was_ built, but was confiscated (in total secrecy) by the Allies to aid in the war effort, and was never returned to its inventor. They argue that the machine was destroyed in an air raid. St. Turing therefore had to start from scratch after the war and attempt to reconstruct a Machine using the then new-fangled valve technology. As we know, this attempt was abandoned in the face of competition from the USA, and he was forced to work, in Manchester, on an economy model computer, often referred to contemptuously by hackers as the Provincial Turing Machine. The recent furore stems from archaeological work carried out by dedicated hackers at a site near Cambridge. It is well known that St. Turing bought two silver bars in the Thirties as a hedge against inflation. Not trusting the banks, he buried both bars and drew maps with cryptic instructions indicating their whereabouts. Unfortunately, after the war, when he came to retrieve the bars, he only managed to find one. The two intrepid hackers subjected the map and instructions to a sophisticated computer analysis. After several fruitless months they gave up, and by scribbling a few calculations on the back of an old envelope (known in the business as the ICL approach), managed to locate the site of the missing bar in a matter of minutes. Late last Tuesday evening, they dug down to a depth of six feet before encountering a metal box. Excitedly, they smashed the lock with their spades and opened the lid. Inside, as they had hoped, they found a silver bar wrapped in a dirty piece of cloth. It was only when they brought the find home, however, that they realized the full significance of the piece of cloth, or 'Turing Shroud' as it has already been dubbed. When stretched out, the Shroud clearly bears the imprint, in oil, of a machine of great complexity. Isotopic measurements of the oil and cloth definitively show both to date from before the war. Followers of St. Turing are convinced that the Shroud is no more or less than the original wrapping of the Universal Turing Machine, and that its historical value far exceeds that of the silver bar it enfolded. Already, hackers are working day and night, using photographs of the Shroud as blueprints, to build a replica of the Machine. The entrepreneur and electronics innovator Sir Clive Sinclair, 59, who was quickly on the scene, has expressed great interest, and is giving his full financial support. "If it works, it will make even my wonderful electric car look like nothing more than an expensive toy", he commented. LATE NEWS: The Xerox corporation has announced that it is issuing a pre-emptive priority lawsuit against the Shroud's discoverers in case the machine should ever be completed. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ As the truck driver came flying over the top of a steep hill, he spotted two figures in his path rolling around in the middle of the road. The driver blew his horn and braked frantically, but the couple continued their love making, in spite of his warnings. The truck finally slid to a halt barely three inches from the pair. "Are you crazy?" The driver shouted at them. "You could have been killed." The man stood up and faced the driver. "Well, I was coming, she was coming and you were coming," He panted, "And you were the only one with brakes." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Man A: So how was your honeymoon? Man B: Very good until the morning after waking up, I forgot and said to my wife "You are wonderful, here is $100". Man A: It is not that bad, she might not know that you thought her as a hooker. Man B: I know, but my wife then gave me back $50 and said "Here is your change". ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Two boys arguing on the sidewalk: My dad's smarter than your dad! NO HE'S NOT! My dad's stronger than your dad! NO HE'S NOT! My mom's better than your mom! Well, you got me there. That's what my dad says too. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ THE TWELVE DAYS AFTER CHRISTMAS The first day after Christmas My true love and I had a fight And so I chopped the pear tree down And burnt it, just for spite Then with a single cartridge I shot that blasted partridge My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me. The second day after Christmas I pulled on the old rubber gloves And very gently wrung the necks Of both the turtle doves My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me. On the third day after Christmas My mother caught the croup I had to use the three French hens To make some chicken soup The four calling birds were a big mistake For their language was obscene The five golden rings were completely fake and turned my fingers green. The sixth day after Christmas The six laying geese wouldn't lay So I sent the whole darn gaggle to the A.S.P.C.A. On the seventh day, what a mess I found The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned (I think there's a "my true love gave to me" in here somewhere) The eighth day after Christmas Before they could suspect I bundled up the Eight maids-a-milking Nine ladies dancing Ten lords-a-leaping Eleven pipers piping Twelve drummers drumming - well, actually I kept one of the drummers - And sent them back collect I wrote my true love "We are through, love!" And I said in so many words "Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the (Soprani) Birds!" (Everyone else) Four calling birds, Three french hens, Two turtle doves And a partridge in a pear tree!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ DAVID'S TRUTHS ABOUT WOMEN In this world, there are two sets of women: women that you would love to be with, and women that would love to be with you. THERE IS NO UNION OF THESE TWO SETS. Any woman that you become extremely attracted to will tell you that you are the best friend that a woman could ever have. Being told that you are nice is: the equivalent to her saying, "I wish that you were my brother." a curse. her way of saying that "I hope we can just be friends. A Slut is a woman that will sleep with anyone. A Bitch is a woman that will sleep with anyone but you. All women are Bitches. Only beautiful women who are engaged or engaged to be engaged or married or your mother's best friend will think that you are a wonderful person that any woman would die for. These same women will be completely dumbfounded at the revelation that you don't go out with a hundred women a week. Much less one. When a woman says "No!" she really means "Yes!" -- except, of course, when she means "NO!" Unless you make over a million dollars a year, you must completely ignore and demean a woman to gain here affection. If you completely disregard her existence, she'll die for you. The degree of subtlety used by a woman is inversely proportional to how attracted you are to her. If you are absolutely in love with everything about her, her hints will amount to, "I really like your roommates new shoes." If you have no attraction to her what-so-ever, she will ask you to come spend a week with her in the Bahamas. A woman will confide in you that she slept with your best friend and that he treated her like dirt afterwards. She will go on-and-on for hours, until she builds up enough nerve to ask him out again. Every woman that you meet that you are instantly attracted to will be: Married, heavily dating the same guy for the 3rd year, a lesbian my brother's ex-girlfriend. A "Taken" woman will tell you that you are a great-looking guy, but that looks don't matter anyway and that she'd go out with you if she wasn't already dating someone. "Taken" women are the only women capable of understanding your wonderful sense of humor, you amazing musical talent, your tremendous sensitivity, and gracious generosity. A Woman will talk to you about a certain guy that they think is a real jerk, wondering what any Woman would see in him, and then ask you to set them up. Women will absolutely drive you crazy and seemingly make no sense. Women will confuse you and make you distraught. Women are the most wonderful things in the entire world. They are the most precious element that the world could ever know. Everything from the way they look to the way they talk to the way the move, walk, sigh, gesture, dance, smile, laugh, cuddle, squeeze, tease, hug, caress, smell, taste -- is fantastic. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS 1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT. Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity. 2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES. Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get. 3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED. Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold. 4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF. You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced. 5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT. It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand. 6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY. Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest. 7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY. You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians. 8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD. It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means. 9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR. The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure. 10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE. This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The way things are moving in Europe these days, it appears that very soon there will be just 8 countries in Europe. There will be one United Europe and seven independent Yugoslavian republics. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Question on an application form for a newspaper: 5. You have the choice of saving a drowning man or getting a Pulitzer Prize winning photograph. What type of film would you use? ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Why do LADA's have heated rear windscreens? To keep your hands warm when your pushing them. What do you call a LADA with a sun-roof? A skip. A LADA on a highway is suddenly stopping. Closely behind is there a JAGUAR, which crashes on it. And behind, a ROLLS-ROYCE, which crashes on the JAGUAR. The ROLLS-ROYCE driver steps out of his car, and complains: ``You fool, my radiator grille is broken, it will cost me one day of income!'' Complains the JAGUAR driver: ``The front of my car is squeezed, it will cost me one month of salary!'' Says the LADA driver: ``My car is completely smashed, I will have to work one year pay myself a new one!'' Answers the ROLLS-ROYCE driver: ``Fancy anyone buying such an expensive car?'' What is the difference between LADA and AIDS? You can still palm AIDS off to someone else. How can you double the worth of a LADA ? By filling its gasoline tank. Why is a LADA so handy during the Finnish winter ? You don't need safety belts - you freeze tightly to the seat. Why do they give away free TVs with Ladas? So you've got something to do while waiting for the mechanic to come and fix it. What is the smallest part in LADA ? The owners brain. What do you call a LADA with a turbo? A Skoda. What do you call someone who buys a secondhand Lada? A scrap dealer. What does a Lada buyer do to look sophisticated? Wear dark glasses. But how do you tell the Lada buyer from all the other people with dark glasses? He's the one with the white stick.. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Q: How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb? A: It depends whether the switch is on or off. Q. What's the difference between yoghurt and Australia? A. Yoghurt has a real live culture. Q. Do you know what mothballs smell like? A. Yes. Q. Really, how do you get their little legs apart? Q: What lies at the bottom of the sea and whimpers? A: A nervous wreck. Q: Which is the odd one out - a baked bean, a soya bean or a vibrator? A: The baked bean - the other two are meat substitutes! Q. How many South African policemen does it take to break an egg? A. None. It fell down the stairs. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ One evening a husband comes home to his apartment very roughed up. When his wife sees him she asks, "What happened to you?" "I got into a fight with the apartment manager." "Whatever for?" "He said he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!" "Hmmm. I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Green on the third floor." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Sang froid is when you find your SO in bed with someone else, and you shoot them both in cold blood. Savoir faire is when you find your SO in bed with someone else, but you laugh because today is *your* turn with the hamster. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A lady goes into a hardware store and asks for a hinge. The man at the counter gets one for her and asks "Do you want a screw for that hinge?". The lady says "No, but I'll blow ya for that toaster over there!". ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Sean O'Malley, a plumber by profession, was called by a lady with an Emergency in Her Bathroom. Arriving at the scene, he turned off the water with a sigh, and replaced the faucet washer, ending the Emergency. The lady was nice-looking, and lonely to boot, so before long Sean was helping her to heat up the bedroom. About four-thirty, the telephone rang, and after she hung up, the lady told Sean: "That was my husband. He'll be home in about half an hour, but he'll be leaving on a business trip to Chicago this evening at seven. Why don't you come back at about seven-thirty, and we'll continue where we left off?" "Saints!" exclaimed Sean, aghast. "On me own time?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Two gynaecologists meet on a conference. As usual, they tell each other what cases they have had the past year. 1: Well, I have had a patient with breasts, just like melons. 2: Incredible, so big? 1: Yes 2: But I had a patient with a clitoris, just like a lemon. 1: Waaw, so big? 2: No, so sour ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ South Africa has just been achieving the biggest computer in the world, and after programming it using the most powerful AI techniques they could find, is now able to predict the future. The computer is plugged in, and starts humming. The prime minister then asks it the most important question for the future of South Africa: "In twelve years from now, will the power in South Africa be held by white people or by black people?" Computer: "In year 2000 the government in South Africa will be............. .......(After 15 minutes of computing...) WHITE!" Everybody breathes, and starts drinking champagne. Nobody cares any longer about the machine. Then the finance minister comes and asks: "What will be the price of one kilogramme of bread in the year 2000?" Computer: "The price of one kilogramme of bread in the year 2000 will be... ........................................................................... ........................................................................... ........................................................................... ........................................................................... .............(30 minutes of computing)..................................... ........................................................................... ........................................................................... three roubles. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Paddy O'Shea got friendly with some of the local Boston Irish, and they took him to an upscale "Irish" pub. "Amazin', just amazin', that's what America is," he said, looking with delight into his glass. "Never have I been seein' an ice cube with a hole in it!" "Oi sure have," said his host, Michael Sullivan. "Bin married to one fer fifteen year." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A woman is zipping along the road at a very quick pace (i.e. > 55) and she's pulled over by a cop. As the cop gets out of his car the woman "gets set" for her encounter by unbuttoning her blouse a bit, fixing her hair etc. When the officer gets to her car she says "I know officer, you want me to buy a ticket to the policemen's ball". The cop answers "No ma'am I'm a state trooper. We have no balls." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "it was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "no, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ There was a barber who noticed that the same man came every day to the barber's shop and asked "How many are waiting?" Then he left. The barber was curious and asked his pupil to follow the man the following day. Next day the pupil followed the man and came back to the barber's shop. The barber asked "Where did he go?" The pupil answered "To your home." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Man walks into a Moscow Lada dealership and signs up for a Lada. Customer: When will it be delivered? Dealer: 1996. Customer: What month? Dealer (after looking up book): April. Customer: What day? Dealer (after looking up book): 12th. Customer: What time? Dealer (now getting pissed off): What time?! It's in 6 years time and you ask what time. Why? Customer: I've got a plumber coming in the morning. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it? The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion." Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too...I know you're supposed to be celibate. But...." The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice." There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ There once was a little pink lady. She had a little pink house and a little pink dress and a little pink dog. This lady sold avon. One day the lady was walking down a street selling her avon when she came across a little red house. She pressed the doorbell. In this little red house lived a little red man. He was having a bath in his little red bathtub when he heard his little red doorbell ring. "There goes my doorbell!" he said to himself as he clambered out of his little red bath. He grabbed a little red towel and put it around his waist and walked down his little red stairs to his little red door. But, when he opened the door, his little red towel slipped and fell off. The little pink lady screamed and ran out across the street. A car coming down the road hit her and she died. Moral: Never cross the street when the little red man is flashing. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he was stood in a big long queue with a rather expensive suit on - hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him. As the Pope made his way slowly down the queue, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him. The Pope then stopped next to a tramp, leaned over and whispered something in the tramp's ear, and made his way on again. This pisses off the American and so agrees to pay 1000 dollars to the tramp in exchange for his suit, in the hope that the Pope will speak to him the next day. The next morning the American is stood in the queue, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American, and when he finally reached him, leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his hear, saying: "I thought I told you to fuck off." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The pope died. Like all good christians he went to heaven and knocked on the door. Peter opened. The pope said: "I'm the pope." Peter picked up the phone and rang Jesus. "I have someone here who says he's the pope, do you know him?" Jesus answered: "No, never heared of him, send him to hell." Peter told the pope. "That can't be true, ring God himself," the pope said. So Peter rang God and said: "Here's someone who says he's the pope, do you know him?" God answered: "No, never heard of him, send him to hell." And again Peter told the pope. "The last chance I have is the Holy Spirit," the pope said. Peter rang him and said: "I have someone here who says he's the pope, you know him?" "Yes," he said, "I know him. He's the one who told everyone I got Maria pregnant. Send him to hell". ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ What's pink and hard in the morning? The financial times crossword. What's pink, wrinkled and hangs out your trousers? Your gran. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Two South Africans talking: "I hear that Archbishop Tutu is dead." "That's funny, I hadn't even heard that he had been arrested." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A senior pilot was explaining his emergency equipment to some cadets touring a US Air Force base. He showed them his parachute, emergency radio, signal mirror and other survival items. A cadet noticed a pack of playing-cards and asked what they were for. "Oh," replied the pilot, "these are my last resort. If nothing else works and nobody comes to the rescue, I take these, lay out a game of patience and wait. In a few minutes someone will be looking over my shoulder saying, 'No - put that card over there.'" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A student walks into a car showroom and after a long talk with a salesman, he picks the car he wants to buy. ``Do you have the cash to pay for it, Sir, or will you be making a hire purchase agreement?'' ``I'll buy it on HP, thanks.'' So the student dictates his details to the salesman, who fills in the HP application. Then, to the salesman's astonishment, he signs at the bottom of the form with a big cross and a little cross. ``What are these crosses?'' ``Well, the big cross is my name and the little cross is `BSc Agriculture'.'' ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ My friend, Bill, grew up on a farm in Tennessee and attended a one room country school. He said that, like all the other boys, he wore bib overalls to school. Now Bibs are a great invention says Bill. When your hands are cold, you can put them between the bib and your shirt and warm them. And after you have been working hard, like hoeing, you can put your arms behind the bib and rest them for awhile. But, he said, the greatest thing was he used them to cheat on arithmetic tests in school. He would look at the addition problems and put his hands behind the bib, appearing to be in deep concentration, while he counted on his fingers. Doing that, Bill almost flunked out of second grade arithmetic until he discovered that he didn't have eleven fingers. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Many an American tourist around Windsor Castle have been heard asking: "Why did they build it so close to the airport?" A brontosaurus is a salamander designed to Military Specifications. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ 99 Excuses For Skipping Out Of Work Early --------------------------------------------------------- 1. My kids are locked outside. 2. My kids are locked inside. 3. My kids are stuck in the door. 4. I have to help my grandmother bake cookies. 5. I have to help my Aunt Flo in Omaha bake cookies -- she's much better now and she wants to send thank-you cookies to everyone who came to see her when she thought she was dying. 6. The Water Department has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come. 7. The gas company has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come. 8. The water meter guy and the gas meter guy were both leaving cards on my door about me not being home, and they got into a fight about whose meter was better, and I have to go home and clean up. 9. My daughter is graduating from high school and I'd like to go to the ceremony. 10. My daughter is receiving a Nobel Prize and I'd like to go to the ceremony. (Do not use within one month of #9). 11. I have to pick up my car at the shop; if I don't get there in half an hour it'll be locked up all weekend. 12. I have to get my car to the shop; if I don't get it there in half an hour it'll be locked out all weekend. (Don't use if boss seems wide awake). 13. My dog has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today. 14. My cat has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today. 15. My kid has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today. 16. My truss snapped. 17. My support hose popped. 18. I got my fingers stuck together with Krazy Glue. 19. I'm arranging financing for a house. 20. I'm arranging financing for a car. 21. I'm arranging financing for a beef roast. 22. The couch I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it. 23. The refrigerator I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it. 24. The baby we arranged for nine months ago is arriving, and I think this is the time it's being delivered. (Note: This is an excuse that can't be used by just anybody. But if it's close to accurate, it's extremely effective. 25. I have been asked to serve on a presidential advisory panel. 26. I'm being sent to the moon by NASA. 27. It's Dayton's Warehouse Sale. 28. My back aches. 29. My stomach aches. 30. My hair aches. (This is more acceptable than "I have a hangover," especially if offered in the early afternoon.) 31. My biological clock is ticking. 32. I have to take my biological clock in for service. 33. My furnace won't stop running, and the goldfish are getting poached. 34. My central air conditioning won't stop running, and the goldfish are getting freezer burn. 35. Both my furnace and my central air conditioning won't stop running. The goldfish are fine but my basement is about to explode. 36. I have to go to the airport to pick up my mother. 37. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister. 38. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister's mother. 39. I have to take my mother to the doctor. 40. I have to take my minister to the doctor. 41. I have to take my doctor to my minister. 42. I think I left the iron on. 43. I think I left the water on. 44. I think I left the refrigerator on. 45. I'm getting married, and I have to go pick out rings. 46. I'm getting married, and I have to take a blood test. 47. I'm getting married, and I have to figure out to whom. 48. I have to have my waistband let out. 49. I have to have my watchband let out. 50. I have to have my son's rock band let out. 51. I'm having my eyes checked this noon, and they put drops in them so I won't be able to work afterwards. 52. I'm having my ears checked this noon, and they put drops in them so I won't be able to work afterwards. 53. I'm having my hats checked this noon, and I'll be having a drop or two so I won't be able to work afterwards. 54. I'm having a root canal. 55. I'm having a tax audit. 56. I'm going on a date with a sadomasochistic necrophile. (Is that beating a dead horse?) 57. My broker needs to talk with me about diversification. 58. I have to rearrange my savings so that there is no more than $100,000 in any one federally insured institution. 59. I need to break into my kid's piggy bank while he's not home. 60. I have to renew my driver's license. 61. I have to get new license plates. 62. I have to stand in a long line for no good reason, while petty bureaucrats take inordinate amounts of time to work out the tiny problems that they detect in perfectly routine transactions. THEN I have to breeze by and renew my driver's license and get new license plates. 63. I've got an urgent session with my therapist. 64. I've got a really urgent session with my therapist. 65. I've ... I ... I'm not ... I don't ... I CAN'T COPE WITH THIS!! 66. I have to get my contact lenses fitted. 67. I have to get my hearing aid adjusted. 68. I have to get my big toe calibrated. 69. Hey, hey! The Monkees could be coming to our town. 70. My rheumatism is acting up; there's going to be a terrible tornado. 71. My arthritis is acting up; there's going to be a terrible blizzard. 72. The pharaoh is acting up; there's going to be a terrible rain of frogs. 73. I need to give blood. 74. I need to give evidence. 75. I need to give up. 76. I'm going to my best friend's engagement party. 77. I'm going to my best friend's wedding. 78. I'm going to my best friend's divorce. (We all knew it wouldn't last; at the wedding, everybody threw Minute Rice.) 79. I have a seriously overdue library book that I have to return. 80. I have a bunch of old parking tickets, and if I don't pay them I'm going to be arrested. 81. The police are at the back door. Cover me. 82. I'm having my nails done. 83. I'm having my colors done. 84. I'm having my head examined. 85. I'm going to the bank. 86. I'm going to sleep. 87. I'm going over the edge. 88. A friend of mine is dying and I have to go to the hospital. 89. A friend of mine has died and I have to go to the funeral parlor. 90. A friend of mine is being reincarnated and I have to go to the zoo. 91. I need to check out the hole in the ozone layer. 92. I need to check into a rest home 93. I'm breaking in my shoes. 94. I'm breaking up with my boyfriend. 95. I'm breaking out. 96. I have to pick up my dry cleaning. 97. I have to pick out a car. 98. I have to pick on my kids. 99. Salmon Rushdie is coming in to talk about his idea for a book on Christian fundamentalists. I thought I'd go to a ball game instead. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Said John to Mary, "I'll bet you ten cents I can kiss you on the lips without touching them." "You're crazy," said Mary. "That's impossible. Here's a dime that says you can't." The two dimes were placed on the mantelpiece and John then enfolded Mary and for ten minutes kissed her passionately, intimately, and moistly. She broke away at last, panting and disheveled, and said, "You did nothing BUT touch my lips." John pushed the dimes toward her and said, "So I lose." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A political activist named Dave was just arriving in Hell, and was told he had a choice to make. He could go to Capitalist Hell or to Communist Hell. Naturally, Dave wanted to compare the two, so he wandered over to Capitalist Hell. There outside the door was Adam Smith, looking bored. "What's it like in there?" asked Dave. "Well," replied Adam, "In Capitalist Hell, they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let a vulture tear your liver out, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives." "That's terrible!!" gasped Dave. "I'm going to check out Communist Hell!" He went over to Communist Hell, where he discovered a huge line of people waiting to get in; the line circled around the lobby seven times before receding off into the horizon. Dave pushed his way through to the head of the line, where he found Karl Marx busily signing people in. Dave asked Karl what Communist Hell was like. "In Communist Hell," said Marx impatiently, "they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let vultures tear out your liver, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives." "But ... but that's the same as Capitalist Hell!" protested Dave. "True," sighed Marx, "but sometimes we don't have oil, sometimes we don't have knives ..." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ We got a weekend drunk while living in Springfield MO. He would call every Friday & Saturday asking for Lisa. My wife, an especially considerate person, went to great lengths to try to explain to him that Lisa did not live here, never lived here, and if she ever had this number then she no longer does. One week he started before last call, and our D&D group was still in the house. After explaining to them what had been going on, everyone took turns talking to the guy. Then someone got the idea of tailoring a message for the lovestruck sot. We ended up with a little rap number, a capella with clapping and pupupachu mouth noises: First voice: All: My name's not LISA! I am not HOME! So leave your MESSAGE! At the TONE! Deep raspy voice: Oh, yeeeaaaaahhhhhhh... BEEP ========================= I also like to use snatches of movies for our messages. Ghostbusters: Gozer: Are you a god? Ray: No... Gozer: Then DIIIEEEE! [screams] 4th Ghostbuster (can never remember that name!): Ray. When someone asks if you're a god, you say YES! BEEP Blues Brothers: Elwood: It's a hundred and six miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark...and we're wearing sunglasses. Jake: Hit it. BEEP Labyrinth: Jared: You remind me of the babe. Goblin 1: What babe? Jared: The babe with the power. Goblin 2: What power? Jared: The power of Voodoo. Goblin 3: Who do? Jared: You do! Goblin 4: Do what? Jared: Remind me of the babe... BEEP (Yes, I know Cary Grant did it first but I don't have that movie title.) Music is also good. Monkees: Anytime, anyplace, anywhere I'll never forget what we shared. Comes a day there's a knock [knock knock] on your door, Maybe I'll be standing there. BEEP Cheech & Chong (this one's my personal favorite): I'm not home right now, so when you hear the tone Leave a message, dude, and as soon as I get home I'll get back to you. I really, really will! I'm out looking for a job 'cause I got to pay my bills! And I'm not home right now (he's not home right now) So leave a message when you hear the BEEP My entire family is gifted with imagination, so most of our messages come from us alone. Me, as Elmer Fudd and Roger Rabbit: Elmer: Shhh. Be vewwy, vewwy quite. I'm hunting Wabbits! Roger: Ppppppplease, Elmer! You can't do this to me! Elmer: Now I've got you, you wascawwy wabbit! Now you have to take a message! huh-huh-huh-huh! BEEP Me, as Kermit: Why are there so many Calls to this number When we are not at home? Maybe we're sleeping, Or out celebrating, But we can't answer the phone. Some say that your call may not be important, But I know they're wrong, wait and see. Just leave a message, And we'll get back to you. The Lovers, the Dreamers, and Me! BEEP Me, as Bell operator: The number you have reached (pause, then mechanical voice) 5. 5. 5. 1. 2. 1. 2. - (op voice again) is not being answered at this time. If you feel you have reached this recording in error, please check the number and try again. Thank you. BEEP Son, as Saturday morning TV announcer: We will return to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles after these messages. BEEP Son, as the Ghost of Marley: You are a very annoying person, Caller. And so was I. But You will have a chance to Leave a Message, so you will not Suffer, as I do. BEEP Wife, as telemarketer: Welcome to the Kodak Camera Club! At the tone, please state your name and phone number, to be included on the photo ID we are now printing. BEEP Daughter, as herself: Hi Gramma! BEEP We have friends who like to get long-playing OGM tapes, and read entire passages from obscure novels before allowing the poor caller a chance to leave a message. I usually try to leave them just as long a message in return, so when I call them I like to have a book nearby. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Moses was leading the children of Israel out of Egypt when he came to the Red Sea. He asked God for help and was told that there was good news and bad news. "The good news," said the voice from on high, "is that I will part the Red Sea so you and your people can escape." "And the bad news?" asked Moses. "You will have to file an environmental-impact report." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Red-tapism: Take a cage with apes. In the cage we hang a banana on a string, and put a stairs under it. Before long an ape goes to the stairs towards the banana, but as soon as it even touches the stairs, all apes are sprayed with water. After a while the same ape or another one makes another attempt, with the same result: all apes are sprayed. If later another ape tries to climb the stairs, the others will try to prevent it. Now we take one ape from the cage and put in a new one. The new ape sees the banana, and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror all other apes attack him. After another attempt he knows: if he wants to climb the stairs, he is beaten up. Then we remove a second ape and replace it by another new one. The newcommer goes to the stairs and gets beaten up. The previous new ape takes part in the punishment with enthousiasm. A third old ape is replaced by a third new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and get beaten up as well. Two of the apes who beat him, have no idea why you may not climb the stairs. We replace the fourth old ape, and the fifth, etc until all apes which ones have been sprayed with water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever tries to climb the stairs. "But Sir, why not?" "Because that's the way we do things here, lad." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A British officer spotted a "busker" (street singer/bum) at the bottom of the escalator of the London Underground. The busker had a sign which read: "VETERAN SOLDIER OF THE FALKLANDS WAR." The officer thought, "Poor chap, I was there and it was awful!" Feeling sorry for a fellow veteran, the officer took 20 pounds out of his wallet and gave it to the busker. The officer was then greeted with a hearty: "Gracias, Senor!!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ On an airplane (probably in the first class) a man says to the stewardess 'I'll give you $5000 if I can bite your breast'. The stewardess is scared and goes to the captain and tells him about this. But the captain says '$5000? Why not? Go for it!'. So she sits on the man's lap and he starts undressing her, touching her, fundling her, kissing her ... (you name it). After ten minutes (or so) the stewardess becomes impatient and says 'Would you please bite my breast now?' But the man says 'Oh no, that's too expensive'. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Bumper sticker seen on Stealth bomber: "IF YOU CAN READ THIS, THEN WE WASTED 50 BILLION BUCKS." ... Name:³ŗŽŗ³ŗ³Ū³ŗŻ³ŗŻ³³ Rank:Žŗ³ŗŪ³ŗŻ³ Serial No:³ŗŽ ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A burglar entered a house in the middle of the night. He was interrupted when the owner awoke. Drawing his gun, the burglar said, "Don't move or I'll shoot. I'm hunting for your money." "Let me turn on the light," replied the victim, "and I'll hunt with you." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A couple were worried about an earthquake, so they sent their kids to live with an aunt in the East. Two weeks later, they got a wire from the East: "Returning kids. Send earthquake." ............ Once in a while you hear about a dry spell in California. Louise knows it's true because she got a letter from her cousin...the stamp was attached with a pin! ............ California is loaded with condos. One kid was asked by his teacher, "What happened in 1492?" The kid answered, "How would I know? I live on the twelfth floor!" ............ Visiting one of the local farmers' markets all over California, a Floridian picked up a watermelon and asked, "Is this as big as your kiwi fruit grows?" The produce man answered, "Don't squeeze too hard, you'll bruise that raisin!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ There's this guy, and he's in bed with a woman as a car is heard drawing up outside. "That's my husband, home from work early," says the woman. "You'd better go and hide in the wardrobe". Thankful for any place of safety, the man picks up his clothes and jumps into the wardrobe. As he's standing there in the dark, a little voice says, "Wow, isn't it dark in here?", and the man realizes that his lover's 10-year-old son is in the cupboard with him. "I saw everything that you did," says the boy, "and I'm going to tell my Daddy -- unless you give me a pound." Secretly thinking it cheap at the price, the man hands over the money to buy the boy's silence. After a week or so, though, the boy begins to feel bad about what he's done, and he decided to go to confession at his church, and confess his sin. He waits his turn, and steps into the darkened confessional. Closing the door, he says, "Wow, isn't it dark in here", which produces the reply from the other side of the grille, "Oh, Christ, not *you* again!". ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Denver- A 12-year-old boy allowed himself to be doused with lighter fluid and set afire by three other boys who had offered him a soda and a quarter if he agreed to do it. Jack "Ben" Wiley, Jr. was in serious condition Thursday with second-degree burns over a fifth of his body. Hospital officals put him on a respirator because he breathed the searing flames. Wiley and the three other boys -- two of them 13 and the other 12 -- had apparently stolen the lighter fluid during a shoplifting spree Wednesday, Fort Morgan Police chief Harold Davisson said. The boys began playing with the lighter fluid, spraying it over small parts of Wiley's clothing and igniting it, but those fires went out, Davisson said. Finally, they offered to pay him if he would agree to be doused all over and lit on fire for 10 seconds. Davisson said the case will be turned over to the District Attorney's Office to determine if charges will be filed. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Rio Rancho, N.M., Oct. 12 (AP) - John Rodolph, the holder of a world record in wheelchair racing, was hit and killed on Tuesday when a dump truck and a pickup truck collided and slid into him, the police said. He was 31. Mr. Rodolph was in a racing wheelchair along a road in Rio Rancho when the accident occurred and he died at the scene of the accident, the police said. Mr. Rodolph set a world record of 18 minutes 55 seconds for 10 kilometers in Salt Lake City in August. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ One night our friend, lets call him Jim, was out on the town. It was one of those nights when it was raining and he was _forced_ into a Pub for shelter. You know the sort of night I mean. Well as soon as Jim went into the pub he met a few friends and so he had a few drinks, and a few more, and a few more...... 12.00 o'clock and Jim with a rather large smile starts to stagger home through the rain. As is usual with this state of being, Jim decides that there is nothing better than an Indian Curry. So off he goes to his local Taj Mahal Take-Away. He goes in an orders an _extra-extra-hot Vindaloo Curry_. 15 minutes later Jim arrives back home. He places the Curry on the kitchen table and heads upstairs for a good piss. While he is upstairs relieving himself the cat comes over to the table. Now the cat had been neglected and was rather hungry, so it decided to have a go at the curry. Nibble, nibble, chomp, chomp, lick, lick. End of Curry. Just as the cat was licking the plate in comes Jim. Shock horror - anger - Jim starts to get mad. Grabs cat by scruff of neck and drags it outside. "You horrible little moggie, I hate you, you're dead now" rants our friend Jim. He fills a dustbin with water and throws the hissing cat into the bin and place the lid on top of the bin. Then he puts a concrete block on the bin, just to be sure. Jim returns to his sitting room and sits down feeling very sorry for himself. A few minutes later he hears a knock on the window. He goes over and opens it. Who should be there but the cat. Jim can't believe his eyes. The cat looks at Jim and says "You wouldn't happen to have any more water , please ? ". ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Once Reagan visited India and was touring the country-side with Rajiv Gandhi. At quite a few places, he noticed people shitting out in the open. Wanted to help, he drew his cheque book out, and offered the Indian Premier a cheque worth $.... to build a few toilets. It embarrassed Rajiv to the n-th extent, but he had no other option than to accept it. Well, a time came when Rajiv visited the States. Whenever he went out he keenly searched for someone shitting out in the open; so that he could put Reagan in a similiar embarrassing position. To his luck, he found one man shitting in the open. Pleased very much, Rajiv offered Reagan a donation for building a toilet. Refusing it, Reagan said calmly: "He has his own toilet. But he insists on shitting like this. You know, he is the Indian ambassador". ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Q: How do you confuse an idiot? A: Green. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ APPLICATION FOR A DATE Name:__________________ Address:_____________ Phone #:_____________ Age:__________________ Birthsign:_____________ Hair:_______________ Eyes:_________________ Height:________________ Weight:______________ 1) How often do you engage in SEX? (circle one) A. 3-6 Times a Year B. Once a Month C. Once a Week D. Once a Day E. 2-3 Times a Day F. When I'm not engaged in Sex 2) Have you ever engaged in Oral Sex? ____________ If yes please give 3 references, 1____________ 2____________ 3___________________ 3) Which of the following do are you asked at the end of a date? A. May I see you again? B. What's your phone #? C. Do you have a brother/sister? D. Was it as good for you? E. Will you unlock these handcuffs? 4) Which of the following have you been to bed with? (circle one) A. A single man/woman B. A Married mad/woman C. Your dog D. A combination of the above E. Not sure 5) Where is the most unusual place you've ever engaged in a sexual act? ________________________________________________________________ 6) What is your favorite sexual position? A. Missionary B. Woman on top C. Man on top D. Doggy style E. Sitting in a chair F. Standing up G. Tied & Gaged H. Sixty-nine I. Other_______________________________ 7) Which of the following do you do while cumming? (circle one) A. Scream B. Curse C. Scratch D. Bite E. Fart F. Laugh G. Other____ 8) Circle Sexual Preference: A. Straight B. Bi-Sexual C. Gay D. B&D E. S&M F. Beastiality G. Roman H. Watersports I. French J. Greek K. Menage-a-Trois L. Other______________________________ 9) Do you want to have sex now? (circle one) Yes No 10) I______________________ do hereby release said Dater from any liability for actions occured before, during and after the act. Said release includes all manner of Disease, Emotional Ties and Pregnancy. I understand that fulfilling does not willingly contribute. Upon completion of this act I agree to be always available to the dater at any future date for another bout. Signed__________________ This_____Day Of_________ 19_______ ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine. I guess that's why several of us died of tuberculosis. You know, you shouldn't take a dog on the space shuttle. 'Cause if he sticks his head out of the window on re-entry his face might burn off. If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was. I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me." The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Three youths were seated in a restaurant near an elderly lady, whom they conspired to shock. Said the first in a load voice, "I was born three months before my parents were married." "My father was always too drunk to get married at all," said the second. "I never knew who my father was," said the third. The old dear, upon hearing this conversation, turned and said, "Would one of you three bastards mind passing me the salt?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Some years ago an Englishman on a plane to Australia was handed one of these cards to fill in, in normal Commonwealth style. After the standard ones, like name, nationality, passport number, etc.. he got to one that asked: "Have you ever been imprisoned?" After thinking about that for some time he entered: "I didn't know it was still a requirement." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Here's a good'n! Young lad goes to stay with his grandmother for the weekend. It's getting late and his grandmother tells him it's time to go to bed. The lad says "But granny, mom always lets me have a bath before I go to bed" She thinks okay - can't hurt so she runs him a bath, takes his clothes off and puts him in it. Little lad says "Granny, mom always gets in with me and washes me down." Granny is very anxious about this but thinks what can it hurt - he's only a young lad. Anyway, she gets undressed and is just stepping into the bath when the young lad looks straight between her legs. "Granny, what's that there?" he says pointing. Thinking fast she says "That, oh that's my hedgehog". "Is it dead?" comes back the reply. "No, of course not - why do you ask?" Little lad replies "Well, all its guts are hanging out....." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ October 31st, 1993 Shawn Delane slips on a big rubber cow mask, and armed, goes into a Cleveland area conveince store, planning to rob the clerk. When inside, there is no one in the store but the clerk. Delane, does not know this, so he runs in screaming and waving a gun at the clerk, but with the mask on can't see well enough to notice the display of Baby food, which he sqaurely runs into. A shelf is knocked over, and falls, hitting him in the head, knocking him out. Police arrived later, unmasked the cow, and admitted him to the local hospital. Detroit Michigan, Peter Smith was on his way home from a costume party with his girlfriend. He went as a gorilla, and she as a dog. Both wore masks that were attacthed to their suits. At the end of the party, neither can get their masks off, as their zippers on their costumes are stuck. Not worrying about it, and decideding to fix it at home, both hop into their car and start home, when Peter realizes he needs money from the cash machine for tomorrow. So pulling up to the machine and beginning to use it - in his full gorilla suit - is tapped on the shoulder by a suspicious policeman, who asking Smith to take his mask off several times, to which Smith replied he coulden't, took him into the station for questioning. At the station he had the mask cut off of his suit, and was charged with wreckless endangerment, because he had worn his mask while driving. October 31st, 1994 Rochester, NewYork, a large bunch of teenagers put on masks and went around the neighbourhood scaring little kids and vandalizing property. Until they came to one house, where they sat and waited in the bushes for the home owner to come out so they could egg him. But he, dressed in a wolf suit, snuck up behind them, yelled and freaked the teens out, they all took off, and one tripped on the sidewalk, landing face first, and breaking his nose. Even though, the homeowner raced over, whipped both of their masks off, and began first aid to stop bleeding etc... the kid's family sued the man and won $120 000, (which should be just enough to buy him and all of his friends, new masks and more eggs for next year). ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A native went to his first cricket match and described it to his witchdoctor after he got back. He said "It was a beautiful sunny Sunday. A big crowd of people gathered around this giant grass field with a thin strip of mowed and flattened pitch in the middle. There were three sticks at either end of the strip. A man in a long overcoat came out with two men in sweaters and he tossed a coin into the air. They went out and out came eleven men in sweaters and white pants. One of them was padded and had big gloves. Then out came two men with pads on their legs and small gloves holding big sticks. They took positions at either end of the strip and one of the other men came running towards the wickets and threw this ball at the person holding the stick. And lo and behold it started to pour. White man sure knows how to make rain" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ How to buy a stereo: 1) Carefully calculate power requirements, based on room dimensions, etc. Multiply by a factor of 100. 2) The ideal system should have as many lights as possible, preferably blinking and flashing in time with the music. 3) The components should all have black metal finish, and generally look very C00L. 4) The system should be broken up into as many components as possible. (e.g. pre-amp, pre-pre-amp, post-amp, etc.) 5) The most important part of a stereo system is the speakers, they should look very cool. Size and number of sub-speakers is important. (e.g. woofers, tweeters, sub-woofers, super-sub-woofers, etc.) 6) The system should resemble the cockpit of an F16 or 757 aircraft. 7) The system should have full remote control capability, including over the mobile auto cellular phone so that the stereo can be playing as you get home. 8) Should have the capability of playing different music in every room of the house. 9) Components should have a cool names. 10) The complete set up should put a major recording studio or large radio station to shame. 11) Having state of the art equiptment is not enough. You should be a year or two ahead of everyone else. Equipment over the warranty period is obsolete and should be disposed of promptly. 12) The most important factor.... Out of everyone you know who owns stereo equipment, yours should be better. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ What's the first thing Mark Fuhrman said when he heard the verdict? - There goes one lucky African-American. What's the last thing OJ said to Nicole? - Your waiter will be with you shortly. What's the first thing OJ said when he heard the verdict? - Can I have my hat and gloves back now? Did you hear OJ is already talking about getting married again. Yeh, he says he'd like to take another stab at it. And finally, Hertz wants to use OJ as there spokeperson again only this time their motto will be - We will not only get you to the airport on time...we'll give you an hour to kill. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ It's getting harder and harder to support the government in the manner to which it has become accustomed. ........ A city banker inspecting a customer's farm, pointed to a man in the farmyard and asked, "Is that the hired hand?" The farmer, aware that banks have a reputation for passing out impressive job titles, replied, "No, he's the first vice president in charge of cows." ........ A teacher of American history asked the class in a test: "What was the reason for the Puritans coming to this country?" The best reply came from a student the teacher had always considered the dullest pupil. The answer given was: "They came to worship in their own way and to make everyone else do the same." ........ A father was discussing life with his nine-year-old son and the talk turned to the olden days, in the late 1950's, when Dad was young. The son was incredulous that his father could have enjoyed life way back there during the Dark Ages when there were no CDs, VCRs, space shots, or color television. "You know, Dad," he mused, "when I think of you as a little boy, I always think of you in black and white." ........ "Doctor, when you remove this cast, will I be able to play the violin?" "Sure you will." "That's swell! I could never play it before." ........ The Dutch and American flags have similar colors....red, white and blue. When a Dutch visitor was here in the USA, he began to explain to an American friend how he saw the red, white and blue of the Dutch flag. "The colors," he said, "are symbols of our taxes. Red is for when we talk about them, white when we see our tax bills, and blue after they have been paid!" "I know what you mean," replied the American. "It's the same here, only we also see stars." ........ A young fellow, who was cutting up in the library, was approached by the librarian. "Please be quiet," she said, "the people around you can't read." "They can't?" said the boy. "Then what are they doing in the library?" ........ Walking into a noisy classroom, the instructor slapped a hand on the desk and ordered sharply: "I demand pandemonium!" The class quieted down immediately. "It isn't what you demand," explained the instructor, "but the way you demand it." ........ "REBATE.....R-E-B-A-T-E," spelled the student. "That's correct," said the teacher. "What does it mean?" "That's when you have to put a new worm on your fishhook." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are working on a building site. At lunch time they down tools and sit together with their sandwich boxes. Pete is the first to unpack his lunch. "Shit!" he cries after drawing out a sandwich. "Not cheese and tomato again?... I've really had enough cheese and tomato to last a lifetime... I swear if I get cheese and tomato tomorrow I'll jump off that roof over there, and end it all." "I know how you feel!" exclaims Jock, "I've got bloody ham again. I've told my wife THAT many times... Thing is I like ham, but not every bloody day... Listen, if I get ham again tomorrow, I'll think I'll join you... we'll jump together." Paddy scrathes his head. "Would you ruddy believe it... strawberry jam... I've got the stuff coming out of my ears... after a hard morning's graft, it's not what you're hoping to see, fucking strawberry jam... If I get the same tomorrow then you can bet I'll be joining you off the end of that roof. Next day comes and the three men stand expectently, lunch boxes in hand. Pete opens his first, and sure enough it's cheese and tomato. He shakes his head sorrowfully. "I wasn't joking," he murmurs. Shortly after he is heard falling the five stories to the ground. Jock finds ham in his sandwich. He tears at his hair, and in a fit of despair somersaults from the roof. Next is Paddy. Strawberry jam. As he hits the ground he suddenly resembles the contents of his uneaten sandwich. At the joint funeral, the three widows stand tearfully together. "I'll never understand Pete," says Pete's widow. "I didn't know he disliked cheese and tomato - he never complained once. If he'd have only told me, I could have easily given him something else..." Jock's widow wipes the tears from her eyes. "I thought Jock loved ham - I thought he couldn't get enough of it. I used to give him ham all of the time because I loved him so much... It shows how little I really knew him." Paddy's widow shakes her head in disbelief of what has happened. "I'll certainly never understand Paddy," she comments. "He used to make his OWN sandwiches..." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A man suffering from a severe case of flatulence goes to the doctor. Man: Doctor, I have a terrible problem. I just can't stop farting. Doctor: That is an unusual complaint. Take off your clothes and lay, stomach down, on the couch. The man does as he is told. The doctor examines him for a minute - the man farting all the time. Doctor: Ah ha! This should be easy to cure. Excuse me for a moment. The doctor goes over to a closet and pulls out a long pole with a sharp spike at one end. man: Oh my God! What are you going to do with that ?! Doctor: I need to open a window. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Waiting for a bus ......... 1. At least five buses go by in the opposite direction before yours arrives. 2. The one day you have the exact fare is the day it goes up. 3. If you hail a taxi, your bus trundles into view just as you get in. 4. If you're at the front of the queue, the driver comes to a halt at the back. 5. The more crowded the bus, the more likely you'll be carrying a newly bought duvet. 6. The stationary bus you've run for won't move for 15 minutes. 7. Buses turn up within seconds of your lighting a cigarette. 8. It's still a mystery why three turn up at once. 9. Nobody ever gives up their seat for you. 10.If you start to walk, a bus appears when you are exactly halfway between stops. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ 1) What is green and can jump a mile a minute? A grass hopper with hicups. 2) What is the difference between a counterfeit five pound note and a crazy rabit? One is bad money, the other is a mad bunny. 3) How did young dinosaurs pass their exams? With Extinction. 4) What do you call a girl with a frog on her head? Lily! 5) Why did the two boa-constrictors get married? They had a crush on each other! 6) What might astronauts wear to keep themselves warm? Apollo-neck jumpers! 7) Doctor Doctor, I think I need glasses. You certainly do, this is a fish and chip shop! 8) Why do birds fly south in the winter? It's too far to walk! 9) Why are waiters especially good at arithmetic? Because they know their tables! 10) How do you stop a dog barking in the back of the car? Put it in the front! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ OJ SIMPSON (THE VERDICT & AFTER VERDICT) 1. We the jury find the murderer not guilty. 2. What's the first thing OJ said after leaving the Courtroom? 3. What did Judge Ito say to OJ on the way out of the Courtroom? 4. Hey OJ! After 437 days of trial, what are you going to do next? 5. OJ Simpson took a knife. Gave forty slashes to his wife. When he saw what he had done, He gave Goldman forty-one. 6. Well! Ronald Reagan was so pleased to hear that OJ was found not guilty, he invited OJ and Nicole over for dinner!! 7. I hear the verdict was a big mistake. The jury forewoman misinter- preted her fellow jurors. When asked how they vote, the jury unanimously declared: "It doesn't fit, and WE ALL QUIT!" 8. Did you hear OJ's last words to Marcia Clark? 9. Now that the trial is over, CNN can go back to work! 10. The Grateful dead have invited OJ to join the band as Jerry Garcia's replacement. 11. OJ is getting ready to launch is singing career; He will be performing in Las vegas. He is scheduled to sing "MACK THE KNIFE" as his first number. Bryan Adams has asked OJ to do a duet; they will be doing "CUTS LIKE A KNIFE". 12. What was the first thing OJ said when the verdict was read? 13. What is the first thing Johnny Cochran said to the Jury Forewoman? 14. In a surprise announcement, Robert Dole held a press conference this morning to announce that OJ Simpson has joined the Dole ticket and will run for Vice-President. Dole said, "OJ has proven that he can remain cool under even the the worst circumstances, and adding him to the ticket will make an unstoppable team". Their compaign slogan will be: "We'll kill the opposition and really slash the budget". 15. In celebration of OJ's verdict, all the LA Restaurants are going to be giving a "FREE OJ". 16. What did Mike Tyson Say to OJ's jury? 17. Did you hear about the new OJ Simpson screen saver for Windows '95? 18. OJ is planning to marry Paula. He thought he'd take another stab at it! They are planning to move to Arkansas since everybody has the same DNA! 19. What did Mike Tyson say when he heard OJ was acquitted? *when telling this, talk with a lisp* 20. OJ's new workout video is due to hit the streets!. This is the routine for the much talked about Video: a. you slash b. you dash c. you walk 21. Bart Simpson wants to clean up his image. He is changing his name to OJ! 22. What do you have when you get OJ, Magic Johnson and Mike Tyson? 23. You can write to OJ on the Internet. Here is his E-mail address: 24. Well, since OJ's career in movies and sportscasting are most likely over, he has decided to start a new type of music. Rumor has it that it will be called Ibeeta Rap! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ One morning Daddy bear came down to breakfast, to find his porridge bowl empty. Seeing this he growls, "Who's been eating my porridge?" Similarly Baby bear came down and foun his bowl empty also, at which he squeals, "Someone's gobbled up all my porridge!" At that moment Mummy bear came out of the kitchen and replied, "You stupid bastards, I haven't made it yet!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term. Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. Quote: "Apart from that Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?" Salman Rushdie plans to release another book soon. It's tentatively titled: "Buddah, You Fat Slob". ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ What happened to the two bedbugs who fell in love? They got married in the spring. Why are gingerbread men the best men of all? They are cute...they are sweet...and if they give you any lip, you can bite their head off. What happened when the dentist married the manicurist? They fought tooth and nail. Did you hear about the woman who divorced the baker and married the poet? She went from batter to verse. Why did the old man put his feet in the fireplace? To pop his corns. What did the king in the castle say to his wife when the armies were preparing to storm the bridge? Hand me the moat control. "Mom, there's a man at the door collecting for the old folks' home. Shall I give him Grandma?" Wife: What do you love most about me? My natural beauty or my great body? Husband: Your sense of humor. If rich people on vacation go to nightclubs and teenagers to discos, what do convicts see on their vacations? Bars. What do you call an independently wealthy woman in Texas? A divorcee. When the poet fell in love with the milkmaid, did they marry for butter or verse? An old maid was heard saying, "I have a dog that growls, a parrot that swears, a fireplace that smokes, and a cat that stays out all night. Why would I want a husband? Did you ever think how many men could have saved a fortune by marrying their second wife first? If children should be seen and not heard, does that mean they should be bound and gagged? If Eve picked it, why is it called Adam's apple? ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The hour was late and a group of drinking buddies were hanging around a bar. Suddenly the door opened and a voice shouted "Murphy! your house is on fire!" One fellow ran out, and after running about a block at break-neck speed, suddenly stopped and exclaimed: "Heck, my name ain't Murphy." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ In SWEDISH roulette, one of six birth-control pills is replaced with an Aspirin. In AUSTRIAN roulette, six people sit in a cafe drinking wine, one of the wines is Austrian made. In INTERNATIONAL roulette, six people fly in jet aeroplanes, one of the planes is made by Boeing. VATICAN roulette: 5 Smarties and a pill. AFRICAN roulette: You're surrounded by beautiful ladies. Each of them wants to have oral sex with you and one is a cannibal. NORTHERN IRISH roulette: Six people play "Pass the parcel" (imagine the rest) ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ An couple decided to stay at a very exclusive, WASP only hotel for a night. The manager immediately recognized them for what they are but could not throw them out, instead he decided to be clever. In the morning the couple came to settle the bill and were surprized to find they owe $3000. 'How's this? We've only been here one night!' the man was annoyed. 'So?', said the manager, 'this is a very expensive hotel. We have golf courts, tennis courts, swimming pools, exercise rooms, bars and restaurants, all this is very expensive to keep up.' 'But we didn't use any of these!' explained the couple. 'If you didn't use - that's your problem.' came the reply. 'In that case, you owe me $2000. You see, my wife is a call girl who charges $5000 a night, so please settle your bill.' said the man. 'What do you mean?', the manager was taken off guard, 'I didn't sleep with your wife!' 'If you didn't use - that's your problem!!' ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A one-question geek test. If you get the joke, you're a computer geek: Seen on a California license plate on a VW Beetle: "FEATURE" * Qwkit 1.0b * If you redo a batch file, does it become a son of a batch? ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A patient goes to a psychiatrist for the first time and is given some tests. The psychiatrist draws a circle and says, "What does this make you think of?" "Sex." The psychiatrist draws a tree and repeats his question. "Sex," the patient answers again. The psychiatrist proceeds to draw simple figures of all sorts...a house, a car, an apple, and so on...each time getting the same response. Sex, sex, and sex. Finally the psychiatrist says, "You have an obsession with sex." The patient says, "Me? You're the one who's drawing all those dirty pictures!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realised that 2 trains were heading for each other on the same track?" Andy says,"I would switch the points for one of the trains." "What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector. "Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Andy,"and I'd use the manual lever over there." "What if that had been struck by lightning?" "Then," Andy continues,"I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box." "What if the phone was engaged?" "Well in that case," persevered Andy,"I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there." "What if that was vandalised?" "Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle Silas." This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?" Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ THE SOFTWARE DEVELOPMENT PROCESS 1. Order the T-shirts for the Development team 2. Announce availability 3. Write the code 4. Write the manual 5. Hire a Product Manager 6. Spec the software (Writing the specs after the code helps to ensure that the software meets the specifications.) 7. Ship 8. Test (The customers are a big help here.) 9. Identify bugs as potential enhancements 10. Announce the upgrade program ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Why don't the French like Kiwi fruit? Too many Green pieces!! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Q - What article of clothing holds the most animals? A - Pantyhose--10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver and a fish no one can seem to find. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A blind man was seen waiting at a street corner with his seeing eye dog. After a short wait the dog started leading the blind man across the street against the red light. First a car comes screeching to a halt inches away from him, but still the dog leads on, then a bicyclist almost wipes them out and curses as he goes by. Finally in the last lane a truck swerves and barely misses them. After they reach the far corner the blind man reaches in his pocket and pulls out a cookie and offers it to the seeing eye dog. At this point another person who has watched the entire episode interrupts asking why he was rewarding the dog after the dog had endangered his life and almost got him run over by a car, bicycle and truck. The blind man responded "I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find out which end is his head so I can kick him in the ass." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Honeymoon. Walking down 42nd Street they saw a sign advertising "The Great Gonzo" outside a theater and decided to give the show a try. So into the theater they went. There was a fanfare and The Great Gonzo came out on stage. He was a young man dressed only in a bathrobe. He opened the robe to show the biggest and hardest erection imaginable. Then he clapped his hands and a young woman emerged pushing a cart on the top of which were three walnuts. The Great Gonzo took his erect member in his hand and, one by one, smashed the walnuts to the thunderous applause of the audience. This year the couple decided to celebrate their 40th anniversary with a second honeymoon in New York City. While walking down 42nd Street they once again saw the sign advertising The Great Gonzo. With a bit of surprise they decided to check out the show again. Once they were in the theater the fanfare played and Gonzo, now an old man, appeared in his bathrobe. He opened the robe and there was the erection, as big and hard as ever. This time when he clapped his hands, his now-aged assistant appeared with a cart on which were three coconuts. To thunderous applause, he used his member to smash each of them. The couple couldn't resist going up to Gonzo after the show. They explained that they had seem him 40 years earlier. "But why," they asked, "did you switch from walnuts to coconuts?" "Well," he replied, "when you get old your eyes start to go." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The following story is an excerpt from an interview with singer Tom Jones published in the San Fransisco Examiner 2/12/89. The interviewer asked Mr. Jones whether he ever has problems with the husbands of the women who throw their underwear onto the stage during his performances. "One night a woman came down to the stage to retrieve an undergarment and I gave her a big kiss. I asked her name, and if she was married. She said 'yes' and pointed out her husband at a nearby table. I explained to him that the kiss was all in fun and that I hoped he hadn't taken offense. He just smiled and said, 'Look, you pump up the tires, and I'll ride the bike.'" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Three guys are debating who has the best memory: Guy 1: I can remember the first day of my First Grade class. Guy 2: I can remember my first day at Nursery School! Guy 3: Heck that's nuthin', I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ TIPPLER GORE: Vice President Al Gore's daughter, Sarah, 16, has been cited by police for drinking beer in public. Her mother has spoken extensively in the past about the dangers of underage drinking. (AP) ...Don't worry -- she swears she didn't swallow. COMMUTING WITH NATURE: A number of British readers of the journal New Scientist believe that pigeons travel around London by train. One wrote to the journal to assert that the birds have figured out that "travel by Tube saves their wings." Another said saw two pigeons get on a train at Aldgate, then "alighting with purpose" at Tower Hill. "How did they know the platform for Tower Hill was the same side of the carriage as that for Aldgate?" she wrote. (Reuter) ...Easy: they just queued up with everyone else. BIRD NEWS II: Buckingham Palace confirmed reports that Queen Elizabeth was hit by a bird. Attending a grouse shoot in Scotland last month, "a shot bird spiraled from the sky on a misty morning and brushed off the queen's shoulder," a Palace spokesman said. The kamikaze Celt hit her hard enough to cause a bruise. "A famous grouse perhaps it may become, but not one that will alter the course of history," the spokesman added. (AP) ...No, but it was a course at dinner. HOME RUN: Richard Murphy collected about 250 baseballs that splashed into his pool, hit his roof, or went through his windows -- all from a Little League baseball diamond that backs up to his house in Henderson, Nev. "What else does it take to end this madness? Someone dying from a head injury?" he asked. Apparently, it takes more than what he did: he stole the bases, police say, taking them from the field so people couldn't play anymore. He has been arrested on charged with larceny. (AP) ...That's double jeopardy -- he's already been charged with an error. FIRE IN THE HOLE: A gang of thieves tried to break into a fireworks factory in Kent, England -- with a blowtorch. The resulting explosion destroyed the factory and set the gang's van on fire. Police have dubbed the group "The Hole in the Ground Gang". (Reuter) ...They'll be arrested as soon as they get back to Earth. FALLING STARS: "Many people see this as an appropriate way to express their interest in space," notes Charles Chafer. The vice president of Celestis, Inc., was speaking of a plan to launch "a symbolic portion" of a cremated person's ashes into orbit in a small capsule for $4,800. A similar plan failed to fly in the 1980s over concern that thousands of capsules of floating ashes could present a debris hazard to orbiting space vehicles. But Celestis' plan would have the tiny capsules return to Earth again, "harmlessly vaporiz(ing), blazing like a shooting star in final tribute." (AP) ...Better than being slammed into a Space Shuttle's window, perhaps. ADDICTED TO FASHION: Two women boarding a flight from Colombia to Miami looked suspicious: both of their dresses sported overly large shoulder pads. Police searched them and found the pads stuffed not with foam, but with 2.5 pounds of heroin. (Reuter) ...I always wanted to know what a drug "monkey on your back" actually weighed. LEFTOVERS AGAIN? "He makes and repairs guitars. He was drunk, sitting in the kitchen with the guitar between his knees, and he slipped," said a Bronx, NY, police detective. Domingo Morales, 67, had told police a prostitute had cut off a portion of his penis when he refused to pay her, but "he did it. It was an accident. He did it himself," detective Sgt. John Kozma said after investigating. The missing part was later found sealed in a food container in Morales' kitchen, but it was too late to be reattached. Morales said he made up the attack story because he was afraid he would be committed to a mental institution if he admitted he cut it off himself. (AP, Reuter, UPI) ...We'll know if he's insane if he applies as the new spokesman for Tupperware. CALL ANYTIME -- I'LL BE THERE: A Dutch man participating in a trial program wore an electronic tag to prove he stayed in his home on "house arrest" after a conviction for drug dealing found that the test suited him. The good news: he strictly followed the regimen and was home whenever the program required it. The bad news: he spent all his free time dealing drugs to people who visited him at his home. He was arrested after a tip from a customer. (Reuter) ...There's a lesson here: give good, home-style service, and customers won't turn on you. TEACHER'S PET PEEVE: Dale Davis, an eighth-grade teacher at Largo (Fla.) Middle School, had her students write hate letters to a neighbor she had a dispute with, school officials say. "If you're so worried about her dog having a leash, maybe you should get off your lazy ass and pay for one yourself," one letter said. Davis was reprimanded earlier in the year for "lack of sound professional judgment" in an apparently unrelated case. (AP) ...She's a genius: she figured out a way to make students want to write! APPARENTLY FOUND: "Lost Portrait Of Czar Shown" -- AP headline ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ SO YOU DON'T KNOW JACK SCHITT? Several weeks ago, I overheard a hallway conservation where someone said that you didn't know Jack Schitt. Frankly, I was surprised because you are an on-top-of-things person. "Surely", I thought, "they must be mistaken". But yesterday in a Managers's Meeting your boss remarked that you didn't know Jack Schitt and everyone nodded in agreement. Imagine my chagrin! To save you and me from further embarrassment, please accept the following in the spirit in which it is given: He's the only son of Awh Schitt and Oh Schitt. Awh Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Kneedeep Schitt Inn. Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. They produced six children. Holy Schitt, their first passed on shortly after birth, Next came twin sons. Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, two daughters. Fulla Schitt a high school drop-out. Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they have a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Give Schitt Married the Happens brothers. The Schitt- Happens Children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt, and Horace Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a spicy number, Pisa Schitt and they are awaiting the arrival of baby Schitt. NOW YOU KNOW JACK SCHITT! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Setting: A courtroom. Defense attorney questioning a robbery victim. Defense Attorney: Mr. Smith, you were held up at gunpoint on the corner of Fifth Avenue and Main Street on August 7th, is that correct? Smith: Yes, that's correct. Defense: Did you struggle with the alleged robber? Smith: No. Defense: Why in the world not? Smith: He was armed. Defense: Then you made a conscious decision to comply with his demands rather than resist? Smith: Yes. Defense: Have you ever given money away before? Smith: I didn't give it away, it was... Defense: (interrupting) Please answer the question, Mr. Smith. Smith's Attorney (the prosecution): Objection, your Honor! My client's prior financial history is irrelevant to these proceedings. Defense: Oh no, it most certainly is not. In fact I am trying to establish a pattern here which may explain the happenings on August 7th. If the witness has an extensive history of giving money away, then his honesty about the so-called "robbery" would reasonably come under question. Judge: Objection overruled. Please answer the question Mr. Smith. Defense: Now, Mr. Smith, do you ever give money away? Smith: Yes, of course. Defense: And you do so willingly? Smith: Of course. What are you getting at? Defense: Do you enjoy giving away money? Smith: Yes, that's why I do it. Defense: Well, let's put it like this, Mr. Smith, shall we? You've given money away in the past. In fact it is quite possible that the defendant recognized you as someone who has quite a reputation for philanthropy. How can we be sure that you did not _want_ to have your money taken by force? And even if you didn't want it taken _this_ time, how can we expect the defendant to have known that? Smith: That's ridiculous! If I had... Defense: (interrupting) And how much did you give the man? Smith: I didn't _give_... Judge: (interrupting) Answer the question please Mr. Smith. Defense: How much did you give him? Smith: One hundred dollars. Defense: One hundred dollars? That doesn't seem like a lot for someone who has given away so much money before. Smith: Uh... It was very traumatic. I felt my life was in danger. Defense: Yes, well we know that's your story. So you were carrying one hundred dollars in cash. What time did the "robbery" take place? Smith: Around eleven at night. Defense: You were out on the streets alone at eleven p.m. with one hundred dollars in cash? Doing what, for heaven's sake? Smith: Just walking. Defense: Just walking? Don't you know that it's dangerous to be out on the street late at night? Weren't you aware that you could be held up? Smith: I hadn't really thought about it. I was just walking. Defense: Are you sure you weren't _looking_ for someone to give money to? Smith: NO! I was just out for a walk. Judge: I will have no more outbursts like that in my courtroom, Mr. Smith. Defense: And what were you wearing? Smith: A suit. Defense: An expensive suit? Smith: Well, I am a successful business person. Defense: Don't you think it is rather foolish to wear an expensive suit after midnight when you are carrying a hundred dollars? Smith: But it wasn't after midnight, it was eleven pm. Defense: So you do admit then that it _would_ be foolish to be out after midnight? Smith: That's not what I said. I was just correcting... Judge: (interrupting) Answer the question Mr. Smith. Smith: No, I don't think that it would be foolish. Defense: So, in other words, Mr. Smith, you were walking the streets late at night in a bad part of town, wearing a suit that practically _advertised_ the fact that you might be a good target for easy money, isn't that so? I mean, Mr. Smith, one might logically conclude that you were asking for this to happen. Smith: But I... Defense: (interrupting) The defense rests, your Honor. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A tired traveller pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired after a long day's trip he asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm. "Fancy meeting my 'wife' here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night." Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!" "Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ On May 15, 1930, the first airline stewardesses followed instructions listed in Stewardess Manual..... Keep the clock and altimeter wound up. Carry a railroad timetable in case the plane is grounded. Warn the passengers against throwing their cigars and cigarettes out the windows. Keep an eye on passengers when they go to the lavatory to be sure they don't mistakenly go out the emergency exit. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ There are three Jewish mothers bragging about their sons. The first one says "My son is very successful. He is the best lawyer in New York City." The second one says "My son has done better than that. He is the best Doctor in New York City." The third one says "My son has not done that well. He does not have a very good job, and he is homosexual. But he has these two great boyfriends....One is the best lawyer in New York City, and the other is the best doctor in the city." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Cartoon Law I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second takes over. Cartoon Law II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease. Cartoon Law III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout- perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction. Cartoon Law IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful. Cartoon Law V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight. Cartoon Law VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A 'wacky' character has the option of self- replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required. Cartoon Law VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generation, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science. Cartoon Law VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify. Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container. Cartoon Law IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance. This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead. Cartoon Law X. Everything falls faster than an anvil. Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening. After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, "you see, it IS vanishing cream!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Once upon a time there were two deaf mutes standing on a street corner talking to each other with sign language. Mute #1 (SIGN)"What would you like to do?" Mute #2 (SIGN)"I don't know, what about you?" Mute #1 (SIGN)"Let's get my car, find some girls, drive to a dark space and have some fun." Mute #2 (SIGN)"Good idea." So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and are having a ball when the guy in the back seat taps the guy in the front seat on the shoulder..... Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"What?" Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"Have you got any protection?" Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. Don't you?" Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. We had better go to a drug store and get some." They procede to drive to a drug store and the man in the back seat gets out and goes inside. In 2 minutes he is back outside and taps on the car window. Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?" Outside Mute (SIGN)"I've got a problem." Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?" Outside Mute (SIGN)"I can't make the druggist understand what I want." Inside Mute (SIGN)"I know What to do." Outside Mute (SIGN)"What?" Inside Mute (SIGN)"Go back inside. Put five dollars on the counter. Put your pecker on the counter. He'll know what you want." Outside Mute (SIGN)"Good idea." The man goes back into the drug store and 2 minutes later he's back at the car window. Inside Mute (SIGN)"Well?" Outside Mute (SIGN)"It didn't work." Inside Mute (SIGN)"What do you mean?" Outside Mute (SIGN) "I did what you told me to do. I went inside. I put 5 dollars on the counter. I put my pecker on the counter. He put his on the counter. It was bigger than mine. He took my 5 dollars." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ HOW TO SIMULATE SHIPBOARD LIFE AT HOME 1. When commencing this simulation, remember to lock yourself inside and board up all windows with all friends and family outside, communicating only with letters that your neighbors will hold for two weeks before delivering; losing one out of every five. Have a friend or neighbor yell "mail call!" at your door and four out of five of these say "you didn't get anything" when you answer. 2. Surround yourself with 200 to 800 people you don't like. People who chain-smoke, fart loudly, snore like a Mack truck on an uphill grade, complain constantly, seldom shower or brush their teeth, and use expletives in speech the way kids use sugar on cold cereal are good choices. 3. Unplug all radios and televisions to completely cut yourself off from the outside world. Have a neighbor bring you a Time and Newsweek magazine from two or three months ago and a Playboy magazine with the pictures cut out. 4. Monitor all operating home appliances hourly, recording all vital parameters (plugged in, light functions when door opens, etc...). If not in use, log as "secured." 5. Do not flush the toilet(s) for the first three days to simulate the smell of forty people using the same commode. After that flush once daily. Shower water should either be all hot or all cold. When you get all soaped up (soap on face) have your neighbor shut off all the water. 6. Wear only approved coveralls or proper uniforms (no special or cut-off t-shirts). Even though nobody really cares, once a week clean and press one uniform in the dark with a broken ironing board (or a towel on the floor) and wear it for twenty minutes while standing at attention. After this change back into coveralls (catch and rip the sleeve of your shirt on a sharp object on your way back to change, curse and yell then wad it up and throw it into your locker). 7. Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time until you are bald or look like you tangled with a demented sheep-shearer. Have a friend or neighbor tell you to get a haircut at least once every other week whether you need one or not. 8. Work 18-hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time to ensure your body doesn't know or care if it's day-time or night-time. 9. Listen to your favorite cassette six times a day for two weeks then play music that causes severe acute nausea until you are glad to get back to your "favorite" cassette. 10. Cut a twin mattress in half length-wise and enclose three sides. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting in any position at all (ten inches is a good height), and place it on a platform so that it is at least six feet from the floor. Place a dead animal under your sheets to simulate the smell of your bunkmates laundry and sheets. Whenever possible, have someone take your pillow or blanket (or both) to simulate that special camaraderie that exists only onboard a U.S. Naval vessel. 11. Set your alarm to go off at the "snooze" interval for the first hour of sleep to simulate alarms of watchstanders and night crew going off at an odd time and waking you up. Place your bed on a rocking table to ensure that you're tossed from side to side for the remaining three hours. Alternately use custom alarms that sound like a fire alarm, police whistle, and a punk rock combined to simulate various drill alarms onboard ship and so you will not get accustomed to ignoring your regular alarm clock. 12. Prepare all food while blindfolded, using all the spices that you can grope for (or use none at all) to simulate shipboard food. Remove the blindfold and eat as fast as is humanly possible. If the food does not stick to an inverted plate when cold, use more lard. If the food contains more than one part per thousand of fiber, dispose of it. Always take more than you can possibly eat. 13. Periodically shut off all the power at the main breaker and lay face down on the floor with your hands on top of your head while a friend or neighbor points a loaded rifle at you and repeatedly yells at the top of their voice "Get on the deck!!" Continue this for at least twenty minutes. 14. Buy a gas mask, smear the seal with rancid animal fat and scrub the lens with steel wool until you can't see out of it, and wear it for two hours every fifth day, even to the bathroom. 15. Prepare yourself an emergency that will require you to evacuate the premises, knowing that if you exit the biker gang that you hired will cut off your arms and legs to simulate sharks. Study a first-aid book to learn how to handle wounds and control bleeding until you can quote it verbatim. 16. Study the owners' manual for appliances in the dwelling. At regular intervals, take one apart and put it back together again. Then test operate at the extremes of its tolerance. 17. Remove all plants, pictures and decorations. Paint all furnishing and walls gray, white or the shade of green of hospital O.R. smocks. 18. To make sure you are living in a clean and happy environment, every week clean from top to bottom, working hard all day even if it is only a three hour job, whenever and as often as possible repeating your efforts. Then have someone tell you that you missed some dust and the floor looks like shit. When completed inspecting your work, criticize everything as much as possible. Never be satisfied with good effort. 19. Once a day, put in a video (which you have prepared) to watch a movie that you walked out on a year ago. Then watch an episode of "Charlie's Angels" that you didn't like the first two times you saw it, making sure you pause it just at the peak of the action so you can sweep the floor and listen to someone tell you what you did today. 20. Since you have no doctor, stock up on aspirin, Band-aids, and Actifed, which have been proven to cure every disease and ailment known to man. 21. Every three weeks, to simulate liberty in a foreign port, go out directly to the city slums wearing your best clothes. Enter the raunchiest bar you can find and ask the bartender for the most expensive imported beer he carries. Drink as many of these as fast as you can in four hours, then hire a cab to take you home by the longest route he can find. Tip the cab driver after he charges you double because you were dressed funny and lock yourself back in your dwelling for another three weeks. 22. Run the blender at constant high speed to simulate the constant whine of the ship's machinery and have the biker gang you hired bang on the roof and walls to simulate men working on other levels at all hours of the night and day. 23. To achieve the permanent, smelly, gray, dingy look in your clothes, have the plumber connect the washer to the sewer lines, throw clothing in a dark corner for two days before drying. 24. This simulation must run for a minimum of six months to be effective. The exact date of the end of the simulation will be changed no fewer than seven times without your knowledge. This is done to keep you guessing as to when you can expect to get back to a semi-normal life. It is also done in hope of screwing up any plans you have made or would like to make. On the last day of the simulation remove the boards from the windows but do not go outside, have your loved ones stand outside, across the street and stand at attention for four hours and look at them to simulate duty on the day of your return. Note: This simulation was designed for those who would like to, but haven't had the opportunity to enjoy an extended period of time at sea. HAPPY SAILING! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A woman went into a grocery store and asked the grocer for a can of cat food. The grocer knew the woman and knew she didn't have a cat. "What's that for?" he asked. "For my husband," she replied. "Your husband?" the shocked grocer said. "You can't feed cat food to your husband. It's not good for him." She shrugged. "He loves it. That's all he's been eating for a week." Each day, the woman would come in and buy cat food for her husband. One day the grocer happened to be reading the newspaper when he noticed in the obituary column that the woman's husband had died. When she came into the store a couple of days later, the grocer said to her, "I told you that feeding your husband cat food would kill him." She replied, "Oh, the cat food didn't kill him. He broke his neck trying to lick his ass. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Federal Bureaucrat Virus Dan Quayle Virus ------------------------ ---------------- Divides your hard disk into hundreds Their is sumthing rong with of little units, each of which do yor compueter, ewe just cant practically nothing, but all of which figyour out watt. claim to be the most important part Gallup Virus Paul Revere Virus ------------ ----------------- Sixty percent of the PC's infected This revolutionary virus will lose 38 percent of their data doesn't horse around. It warns 14 percent of the time (plus or minus you of impending hard disk a 3.5 margin of error). attack - once if by LAN, twice if by C:. Politically Correct Virus ------------------------- Right to Life Virus Never calls itself a "virus", but ------------------- instead refers to itself as an Won't allow you to delete a file, "electronic microorganism." file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it Ross Perot Virus requires you to first see a ---------------- counselor about possible Activates every component in your alternatives. system, just before the whole thing quits. Oprah Winfrey Virus ------------------- Mario Cuomo Virus Your 200Mb hard drive suddenly ----------------- shrinks to 80Mb, and then slowly It would be a great virus, but it expands back to 200Mb. refuses to run. AT&T Virus The MCI Virus ---------- ------------- Every three minutes it tells you Every three minutes it reminds what great service you're getting. you that you're paying too much for the AT&T Virus. Ted Turner Virus ---------------- Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus Colorizes your monochromoe monitor. --------------------------- Terminates and stays resident. Dan Quayle Virus(2) It'll be back. ------------------- Prevents your system from spawning Government Economist Virus any child processes without joining -------------------------- into a binary network. Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says every- New World Order Virus thing is fine. --------------------- Probably harmless, but it makes a lot Texas Virus of people really mad just thinking ----------- about it. Makes sure it's bigger than any other file. Terry Randall Virus ----------------------- Adam and Eve Virus Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever ------------------ you choose "abort" from the "Abort, Takes a couple of bytes out Retry, Fail" message. of your Apple. Jeffrey Dahmer Virus Warren Beatty Virus -------------------- ------------------- Eats away at your systems resources Constantly tries to prove its piece by piece. virility by attaching itself to younger or newer files. Michael Jackson Virus --------------------- Congressional Virus Hard to identify because it is ------------------- constantly altering its apppearance. Computer locks up, screen splits This virus won't harm your PC, but it vertically with a message will trash your car. appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem. Airline Virus ------------- Freudian Virus You're in Dallas, but your data is -------------- in Singapore. Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard. PBS Virus --------- Elvis Virus Your PC stops what it's doing every ----------- few minutes to ask for money. Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self-destructs, only Ollie North Virus to resurface at shopping malls and ----------------- service stations across rural Turns your printer into a document America. shredder. Sears Virus Nike Virus ----------- ---------- Your data won't appear unless you Just does it. buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks. Jimmy Hoffa Virus ----------------- Congressional Virus(2) Nobody can find it. ---------------------- Runs every program on the hard Kevorkian Virus drive simultaneously, but --------------- doesn't allow the user to Helps your computer shut down accomplish anything. whenever it wants to. Imelda Marcos Virus Willard Scott Virus ------------------- ------------------- Sings you a song (slightly off-key) Keeps track of all family birth- on boot up, then subtracts money from days and renders verbose birthday your Quicken account and spends it all wishes each time you request on expensive shoes it purchases weather predictions. through Prodigy. Healthcare Virus Star Trek Virus ---------------- --------------- Tests your system for a day, finds Invades your system in places where nothing wrong, and sends you a no virus has gone before. bill for $4,500. George Bush Virus (Japanese Strain) George Bush Virus ----------------------------------- ----------------- Eats some of your files, then It starts by boldly stating "Read immediately regurgitates them.. my text...No new files!" onscreen, proceeds to fill up all the free Quantum Leap Virus space on your hard drive with new ------------------ files, and then blames it on the One day your PC is a laptop, the next Congress virus. day it is a Macintosh, then a Nintendo. Cleveland Indians Virus LAPD Virus ----------------------- ---------- Makes your 486/50 machine perform It claims it feels threatened by the like a 286/AT. other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense." Chicago Cubs Virus ------------------ Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A woman goes to a doctor with a problem. She's sat on the chair next to the doctor, and she's very hesitant about describing her problem. Eventually the doctor manages to discover that she thinks she may be sexually perverted. "What sort of perversion are you talking about?" asks the doctor. "Well," said the woman "I like to be..............ohh.... .....ah....ummm....I'm sorry doctor, but I'm too ashamed to talk about it." "Come, come, my dear. I'm a doctor you know; I've been trained to understand these problems. So what's the matter......?" So the woman again tried to explain, but got so embarrased that she just turned bright red, and looked as though she might faint. It was then the doctor had a bright idea: "Look," he said "I'm a bit of a pervert myself. So if you show me what your perversion is, I'll show you what mine is. Ok? Is it a deal?" The woman considered the offer, and after a short while agreed that it was a fair request. So after a slight pause she said: "Well my perversion is.......my perversion.......oh......I like to be kissed on the bottom!" "Shit Is that ALL!" said the doctor. "Look, go behind that screen, take all your clothes off, and I'll come round and show you what MY perversion is! Hee Hee!" So the woman does as she is told, and undresses behind the screen. She gets down on all fours thinking to herself "Hmmmm, perhaps he might kiss me on the bum." Anyway, 15 minutes pass and nothing has happened. So the woman peers around the side of the screen to see the doctor sat behind his desk, his feet up on the table, reading a newspaper and whistling to himself. "Hey!" shouted the woman "I thought you said you were a pervert?" "Oh I am," said the doctor "I've just shit in your handbag." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ -Health food is something you nag your spouse to death to eat. -It may be true that men would live longer if they avoided drink, smoke, and women. But we'll never know until someone tries it. -Americans are getting fitter. Quite a while ago it took two adults to carry fifty dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a child can do it. -A low-cholesterol diet is the key to heartening of the arteries. -A bed is where people who are run down wind up. -Smokers are people who puff on cigarettes, cigars, and steps. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The following assembly announcement was made by the lady principal of the local high school: "The superintendent and I have decided to stop necking on the school grounds." Realizing what she had said, she tried to make amends and added, "No! What I mean is, all this kissing going on under my nose has got to stop!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ An Asian American walks into a bar. He sits down and looks at the bartender who is an African American. Oriental: "Hey there BOY give me a drink." Bartender: "Oh man that's not right. Why you talk to me like that?" Oriental: "Come on blacky give me a drink." Bartender: "You know I really didn't think an another minority would use language like that. That's rude man." Oriental: "Look Coon give me a drink!" Bartender: "OK that's enough. Look let me show you how it's feels to be treated badly by another. Get over here behind the bar, and I'll walk in and be the customer." So the African American leaves, then walks back into the bar and sits down. Bartender: "Hey you slant eyed chink! Give me a drink!" "There how does that feel?" Oriental: "Sorry we don't serve niggers." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ There was this guy that found a genie in a bottle. He thought he would get three wishes but the genie told him "Sorry you only get one wish." After some thought this guy told the genie that he wanted to have one wild night with the most three famous women in the world. The genie agreed and sent him Tonya Harding, Lorena Bobbitt and Hillary Clinton. He had a really wild night. The next morning he woke up with a busted leg, a severed penis AND no health insurance. A midget was running through the streets of Prague, just before independence. The KGB was after this tiny but experienced spy for England's MI6. The man pounded on the back door of a restaurant and, when the manager opened it, said desperately, "I know it's irregular, and the hour is late, but could you possibly cache a small Czech?" A young scottish lad was so happy that he he was finally getting his kilt. A fine kilt it was, with his family color's and all and he also managed save three feet of fabric as well. Oh Joy, he thought, Kathy (his bride to be) will be overwhelmed. So he calls her up and tells her to meet him, he has something important to show her. Our young Scottish lad gets showered and shaved and deodorized and takes off out the house like lightning, forgetting his kit. He rushes to meet Kathy, and rushes some more. He rounds a corner and sees Kathy. He runs up to her and says: "Look at this Kathy, and I have three more feet at home." A Scottish fellow goes to America leaving his two brothers behind. When he comes back to visit he hardly recognizes them because they have long beards down to their ankles. When he asks why they said "Why, Donald, don't you remember? You took the razor with you!" An Irishman takes a condom into the drugstore to get it repaired. The druggist tells him that it would cost the same to fix it as to buy a new one. The fellow says he will have to think about it. The next day he returns and tells the druggist "The vote was close, but the regiment has decided to buy a new one." A guy walks into a bar and orders a scotch with a twist of lime, lemon, orange, and a half of a banana. He then instructs the bartender to give the bar a drink. After downing his drink, he calls the bartender and orders the same. After repeating this several times more he says to the bartender,"Let's have the same but, skip the fruit this time." A little voice from the end of the bar replies, "I didn't ask for the first ones." . A fella met a cute thing in a disco and hustled her out to the parking lot for a quickie in the back seat of his car. "Honey, if I had known you were a virgin, I would have taken a little more time!", he said. She replied, "If you hadn't been in such a big hurry, Buster, I would have taken off my pantyhose." This Jewish guy pays a visit to the local whorehouse. He's too cheap to buy a rubber, so instead he wraps the label from his coat around his dick. Needless to say, this falls off in coitus, but he never even notices. Later the same day, an Irishman purchases the services of the same girl, and just as he's about to come, he notices something fall out of her. Picking it up, he reads, "Roth & Stein, Tailors." "For God's sake" he says, "where will those Jews advertise next?" A Pole, an Italian, and a Irishman have planned an expedition across the Sahara, and at the appointed time each shows up with the baggage critical to his survival. Motioning to his flask, the Irishman says, "It's going to be a thirsty business, this crossing the desert, and I'll need a drop to drink. "Nodding his approval, the Italian points out his potful of pasta. "Itsa gonna be hungry work" he says. They look across at the Pole, who is carrying nothing but a turquoise-and-white left front door to a '57 Chevy. "It's going to be plenty hot out there," he explains, "and I want to be able to roll down the window." When the Irishwoman answered her front door it was only to hear the sorry tidings, shouted through the crack of the open door, that her husband had been killed. "And that's not the worst of it. I'm afraid, Ma'am," said the foreman. "He was run over by a steamroller." "I'm in my bathrobe" said the new widow, "could you slip him under the door?" The Willams were suitably unhappy when their first child was born with no ears. Their best friends, the Cains, were well aware of this. Preparing for their first visit to see the newborn, Mrs. Cain reminded her husband that at all costs he should avoid any reference to the baby's defect. In no time at all both couples found themselves cooing over the crib. "Look at those arms" said Mrs. Cain. "He's really going to be able to throw a ball. And those legs--he could be a sprinter. Say, how are his eyes?" "Terrific," said the proud Mother. "They better be" blurted Cain. "he'll never be able to wear glasses!" A Jew, an Irishman, and a Frenchman all died and went to heaven, where they were met at the Pearly Gates by Moses. He was looking though a large tome that outlined each man's life on earth. "Hummmm, it says here that you loved money so much, you named your wife Penny," Moses said to the Jew as he leafed through the pages. "I'm sorry, but I have to send you to hell." POOF-- the Jew disappeared. "Let's see, Ahh, here it is," Moses declared, going on through the book. "Mr. McNamara, you loved liquor so much, you called your wife Sherry. I'm sorry, you're going to have to join Mr. Cohen." POOF-- the Irishman disappeared. "Mon dieu!" moaned the Frenchman. "Don't waste your time, Monsieur Moses. I had, how you say, better go with them -- I called my wife Fanny!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Reminds me of another story. A black man and a white man were discussing God. The white man was certain that God was white, and the black man equally sure that he was black. Eventually they decide to resolve the matter once and all the next Sunday by praying in Church and asking God directly. So they do that. and to their surprise a great booming voice comes down from above, saying "I Am what I Am". "There you are," said the white man, "that proves it. God is white." "How come? All he said was 'I am what I am'." "That's just it! If God is black he'd have said 'I Is what I Is.'." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ The best thing about being bald is...when her folks come home, all you have to do is straighten your tie. ----------- Science has found that only one thing can prevent baldness...hair! ----------- A baldheaded man asks a druggist for some hair restorer. The druggist offers him a very expensive concoction, but he wants to know if it really works. The druggist says, "Does it work? I accidentally spilled some on my comb, and now it's a brush!" ----------- One woman nagged her bald husband so much his scalp turned gray. ----------- Forty is the age when a man starts to get thin at the top while his wife starts to get fat at the bottom. ----------- A real optimist is a man who goes into a drugstore and buys a bottle of hair restorer and a hairbrush. ----------- There happens to be a religious reason for baldness in men: God in His infinite wisdom has created millions and millions and millions of heads...and those He's ashamed of He covers with hair. :) ----------- What do you call a bunch of bunnies hopping backwards? A receding hare line. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ As a caterer, I see many strange things. But this is the best revenge story I could ever tell: It was a Saturday afternoon, and we had a rather large wedding coming in. 200 count, individual serve - surf and turf dinner. (not a cheap event by any means) Everyone arrived on time and they began their cocktail hour. The hour went smooth. I announced in the parents and the Bridal Party and the Bride and Groom went into their first dance. The blessing followed the first dance, but when it came time for the best-mans toast the groom stood up. The groom proceeded to take the microphone from the best man and said,"Before he makes this toast I have an announcement to make. Just to let everyone know that this marriage will be anulled in one weeks time. If you must know the reason why, you'll find the answer on the bottom of your plate. Good-bye." Then he calmly left. What the guests found when they turned over their plate was a recent picture of the bride and the best man in bed together. No one knew this was coming. You can imagine everyones reaction to this. Especially the bride and the best man. Long live Sweet revenge, ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ MEMORANDUM TO : Personnel Director of XYZ Construction Company SUBJ: Accident Report I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number 3 of the accident reporting form, I put quote ... "poor planning" unquote, as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient. My name is Charlie Smith. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which fortunately was attached to the side of the building, at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the brick into it. Then I went to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow decent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note in block number 11 of the accident form that I weigh 135 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded, at a rather rapid rate, up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collar bone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two-knuckles deep in the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of brick hit the ground --- and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the brick, the barrel now weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid decent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations to my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen the injuries when I fell into the pile of brick and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I'm sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks -- in pain, unable to move, and watching the empty barrel six stories above me -- I again lost my presence of mind -- I let go of the rope. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Answering machine messages (Arnold Schwarzenegger) Thespian Gutten day to you. Here I'm being on ze set of mein latest moofie. Eet's the latest moofie in mein strings of mega-hits. First zere was za Terminator, zen zere was za Predator... zis one's called za Laminator. Eet's about zis handyman on a mission. Eet's drama. Very funny stuff. You'll chust luff it. I know you vill. Leaf a messich after za beep. Don't say you can't. Ve haf vays off making you talk, you know. BEEP ----- (Buck Rogers) I'm in the Magic Kingdom right now, so I can't come to the phone. Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone? Sure... I knew you could. BEEP ----- (Darth Vader) Speak, worm! BEEP ----- (Elvis Presley) I can't come to the phone right now. Actually I can't do much of anything right now because I've been dead since 1977. But my spirit lives on and if you'd like to leave your name, I'll try to contact you via ouija board, Madame Zenda or garbled tape recording. This is also the number of John F. Kennedy, John Lennon, Harold Holt, Lucille Ball, Roy Orbison... BEEP ----- (Ensign Chekov) Oh, sair... it was Khan! He made us say things... do things... he kept us from answering the phone! But Keptin was strong, and if you leave your name and the name of your station, Keptin will get back to you as soon as he can! BEEP ----- (Kylie Minogue) I'm unable to come to the phone right now cos I'm making a movie, or a video, or a new album or something, but I'll get back to you next time I'm in Australia. and if that's you Jason, I stick by what I said last night. You wear your underwear and I'll wear mine. BEEP ----- (Lt. Uhura) Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? ... Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen? BEEP ----- (Margaret Thatcher) You have reached the residence of the Prime Minister at No. 10 Downing Street. When you hear the beep, sit up straight, speak clearly and distinctly and STOP doodling when you're talking to me! And Dennis, if that's you, how many time have I told you abut staying at the club after 9.30? We've been a very naughty boy, haven't we? BEEP ----- (Mikhail Gorbachev) This is Nonoxynol-9, the persona and private telephone number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Sovjet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet People's Council of Peace and Happines and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash Team. But hey, call me Mike. BEEP ----- (Sarah Ferguson, giggling) This is Fergie... er (sound of hand being placed over receiver, aside) Andrew! What's that title again? What? (normal) Oh hello, this is the Duchess of York. The Duke and I are out skiing, so when you hear the jolly old pip pip, leave your message and we'll give you a tinkle when we get back - in November. BEEP ----- (a busy signal) BEEP ----- (advertisement voice) In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife. (in the background: loud Heeeeee-YAH! smashing something) But this method doesn't work with a telephone call... (dial tone) Introducing the all-new GINSU answering machine! It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls! How much would you pay? Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE! BEEP ----- (advertisement voice) It's time to play "What's Your Business" starring you, the caller. That's right, you get to leave your name and number on this amazing machine! But that's not all, if you leave a brief message and the time that you called, you could win our fabulous Grand Prize, a RETURN CALL! Good luck, and here's the beep. BEEP ----- (after a general catastrophy) I'm not in cause I'm out looting! Leave a message and I'll call you back and tell you what I got. BEEP ----- (after a power outage) This is . The good news is that my power is back on. The bad news for you is, so is my answering machine. So, leave... BEEP ----- (after an earthquake) This is . I can't get to the phone right now because I was killed in the Earthquake. Tragic, isn't it? But, leave a message anyway, someone is sure to get it eventually. BEEP ----- (as a poem) Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape. BEEP ----- (as a poem) These words are lovely dark and deep But I've got promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep So leave a message at the beep. BEEP ----- (as a poem, for Shakespeare lovers only) So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee. BEEP ----- (australian accent) G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave... BEEP ----- (bored voice) Epicentre of the Universe, God speaking. BEEP ----- (bored voice) Heaven, God speaking... BEEP ----- (computer-generated voices, voice 1) There are no real people here to answer the phone right now. (voice 2) Yeah, nobody but us machines! (voice 1) Right, just us machines, but don't hang up! If you like, you can leave your name and telephone number... (voice 2) ...and a message! You forgot about the message! (voice 1) Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get back. (voice 2) ...unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug! BEEP ----- (granny voice, must be spoken in a drawl) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot. BEEP ----- (heavy breathing sounds, like an obcene phone call) Oh, shit, you called me! Sorry, leave... BEEP ----- (in the backgroud: Billy Joel / "Pressure") You have reached and 's room. We're a little busy now... (in the backgroud: B. Joel "PRESSURE") So, leave a message and we'll get back to you someday after all. (in the backgroud: B. Joel "ONE TWO THREE FOUR PRESSURE") BEEP ----- (in the backgroud: Kate Bush / "Hello, earth" for about 30 seconds) You have reached . We can't come to the phone right now because we're at vespers. Please leave... (30 more seconds of music) BEEP ----- (in the background: electronic music) This is . In honor of Halloween, I'm about to perform an unspeakable pagan ritual. So please leave a message. Oh, unless you're a virgin, in which case, why don't you stop by? SINT MIHI DEI ACHERONTIS PROPITII... BEEP ----- (in the background: flute music) Good day. Your contact, , is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Don't know if this is a true story or not but...... Abraham Lincoln went into an eating establishment one day & after he sat down he noticed an extremely ugly man staring at him. After a few moments the man got up & approached Abe. He pulled out a pistol & pointed it strait at Abe & said, "I swore years ago that if I ever saw a man uglier than myself I'd shoot him on the spot." Abe looked at him a moment & replied, "Go ahead & shoot. If I'm uglier than you I don't want to live anyway." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ DO-IT-YOURSELF COUNTRY & WESTERN SONG I met her __________ _____; I can still recall _________ she wore; (1) (2) (3) 1. 2. 3. on the highway in September that purple dress in Sheboygan at McDonald's that little hat outside Fresno ridin' shotgun that burlap bra at a truck stop wrestlin' gators those training pants on probation all hunched over the stolen goods in a jail cell poppin' uppers that plastic nose in a nightmare sort of pregnant the Stassin pin incognito with her father the neon sign in the Stone Age stoned on oatmeal that creepy smile in a treehouse with Merv Griffin the hearing aid in a gay bar dead all over the boxer shorts She was ______ _____, (4) (5) 4. 5 sobbin' at the toll booth in the twilight drinkin' Dr. Pepper but I loved her weighted down with Twinkies by the off-ramp breakin' out with acne near Poughkeepsie crawlin' through the prairie with her cobra smellin' kind of funny when she shot me crashin' through the guardrail on her elbows chewin' on a hangnail with Led-Zeppelin talkin' in Swahili with Miss Piggy drownin' in the quicksand with a wetback slurpin' up linguini in her muu-muu and I knew _______; _______ I'd ______ forever; (6) (7) (8) 6. 7. 8. no guy would ever love her more I promised her stay with her that she would be an easy score I knew deep down warp her mind she'd bought her dentures in a store She asked me if swear off booze that she would be a crashing bore I told her shrink change my sex I'd never rate her more than "4" The judge declared punch her out they'd hate her guts in Baltimore My Pooh Bear said live off her it was a raven, nothing more I shrieked in pain have my rash we really lost the last World War The painters knew stay a dwarf I'd have to scrape her off the floor A Klingon said hate her dog what strong deodorants were for My hamster thought pick my nose that she was rotten to the core The blood test showed play "Go Fish" that I would upchuck on the floor Her rabbi said salivate She said to me ____; But who'd have thought she'd _____ (9) (10) 9. 10. our love would never die run off there was no other guy wind up man wasn't meant to fly boogie that Nixon didn't lie yodel her basset hound was shy sky dive that Rolaids made her high turn green she'd have a swiss on rye freak out she loved my one blue eye blast off her brother's name was Hy make it she liked "Spy vs. Spy" black out that birthdays made her cry bobsled she couldn't stand my tie grovel ___________; _________ goodbye. (11) (12) 11. 12. with my best friend You'd think at least that she'd have said in my Edsel I never had the chance to say on a surfboard She told her fat friend Grace to say on "The Gong Show" I now can kiss my credit cards with her dentist I guess I was too smashed to say on her "Workmate" I watched her melt away and sobbed with a robot She fell beneath the wheels and cried with no clothes on She sent a hired thug to say at her health club She freaked out on the lawn and screamed in her Maytag I pushed her off the bridge and waved with her guru But that's the way that pygmies say while in labor She sealed me in the vault and smirked ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA FREEWAY SCHEDULE MONDAYS ...... Small arms only -- .38 cal. and under. TUESDAYS ..... Lady's shotgun day WEDNESDAYS ... Men's large caliber - scoped rifles (eastbound vehicles may stop prior to firing due to rising sun THURSDAYS .... Automatic weapon day FRIDAYS ...... Cannon and bazooka day -- hand grenades OK (mornings only) SATURDAYS .... Men and Women's open -- competition for prizes (most cars, total value, extra points for ethnic groups) SUNDAYS ...... Gun cleaning day -- slingshots, squirt guns, gestures of profanity, no thrown objects! If you are planning a trip to Southern California, please arm yourself according to the above schedule. Failure to comply will suspend you from freeway use. Additional violations will result in revocation of use of freeways and permanent placement on an L.A. Rapid Transit District Bus (and you know how dangerous that can be). FOR HELP CALL TOLL FREE 800-SURSHOT LA/LONG BEACH 213-TARGETS S. F. VALLEY 818-BULLETS ORANGE CO. 714-HANDGUN SAN DIEGO 619-WEAPONS San Diego ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Around Holiday time we all get to see the family and pass on lore and gossip. One day a little girl was watching her mother make a great roast beef. She cut off the ends, wrapped it in string, seasoned it and set it in the great roasting pan. The little girl asked her mother why she cut off the end of the roast. The mother said after some thought that it was the way that her mother had done it. That weekend grandma came over to visit and the little girl and the mother went to her and asked why she had cut the end off of the roast before cooking. After some thought replied, because that was the way her mother had done it. Now great grandmother was quite old and in a nursing home. But the little girl had the chance the next weekend to see her and asked again the questions. She looked at them a bit annoyed and said, "Why so it would fit in the pan, of course." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ Somebody left a glass of milk next to the keyboard. Reaction? Optimist: The glass is half full. Pessimist: The glass is half empty. Futurist: The milk's in the wrong half of the glass. Pascal programmers: Well, what type of milk is it? C Programmers: No thanks; I drink straight from the jug. Assembly programmers: No thanks; I drink straight from the cow. Basic programmers: No thanks; I'm still breast feeding. MIS: I'll drink it if you can give me until next year. Fuzzy logic guys: I may or may not have drunk some part of that milk. Prolog programmers: I know I drank it - just don't ask me how. Non-procedural language programmers: I drank it when nobody was looking. UI designers: What's that crap in my glass? Pentium users: I drank Glass * .49999999 . . . but don't hold me to that. Windows users: Where's my straw? Mac users: Where's my pump? UNIX users: Nahh . . . too easy. Multimedia author: Shareware game author: That glass is free; the next one you have to pay for. Security consultant: Where'd the rest of the milk go? CIA: What makes you think that's milk? NSA: We know what it really is. Copy protection crazies: Somebody drank half my milk and didn't pay for it! Free Software Foundation: That milk is the cow's contribution to all mankind! Schroedinger: That damned cat got into the milk again! Bill Gates: Not enough market share to be Microsoft Milk. Apple Computer: You guys really oughta be drinking Perrier. IBM: Rent the glass from us and we'll fill it with something we know is good for you. IRS: Thanks for getting your milk withholding correct this year. National news media: Hey, we wanted OJ! ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A family of ducks are walking along, and the mother says, "Children, I'm going to teach you how to cross a road." So she runs as fast as she can, and... "HONK!HONK!" SpLaT! Next.. A Family of skunks come along. Their mama says," Here is how you cross the road children." So she walks carefully across the road, and... "HONK! HONK!" sPlAt! The ducks say to the skunks,"Who are we? What are we doing here?" Skunks reply,"Well, you have a beak, webbed feet, feathers, and wings. YOUMUST BE DUCKS!" Ducks reply,"Yeah! yeah! were ducks!" Skunks, "Well, what are we?" Ducks,"Lets see. You're half black, half white, and your moms dead... YOU MUST BE THE SIMPSON CHILDREN!!!" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ There was always constant chatter and gossip about one person or another at the ladies' bridge club. This particular afternoon the women were talking about a couple who had recently moved into the neighborhood. Some of the remarks were.... "They certainly do carry on something awful." "They're scrapping and fighting every night." "They never keep their voices down either." "Their behavior is a disgrace." "They're the talk of the neighborhood." "Some are on his side and some are on her side." "And some of us," one lady stated, "are eccentric. We are minding our own business." ........ -Gossip is something that goes in one ear and in another. -Women who gossip are the spies of life. -The paradox about gossips is that they always talk about things that left them speechless. -What gossips hear is never as exciting as what they overhear. -A gossip's greatest fear is having no friends to speak of. -A gossip is someone...... -with a good sense of rumor, and who can't resist wordy causes. -who snares the unsuspecting in a mouth trap. -whose train of thought runs people down. -to whom a secret is either not worth keeping or too good to keep. -who can give you all the details without knowing any of the facts. -who compensates for a limited vocabulary with a large turnover. -who use dirt to make a mountain out of mole hill. -who burn so much oxygen at the mouth, there's never any left for the brain. -who don't mind their tongues, though everyone else does. -Gossips are people who never give secrets away; they trade them. -Talk about others, and you're a gossip; talk about yourself, and you're a bore. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ There was this man in a restaurant who had ordered some soup. But the waiter kept him waiting (what else does a waiter do). The guy sitting next to him *did* have a dish with soup in front of him on the table, but he wasn't eating it. So our man takes this dish with soup and starts eating. When he's almost finished he noticed a dirty hairy comb lying on the bottom of the dish, so he puked all the soup back into the dish. Says the guy next to him: "That's just as far as I got." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ This guy goes into a bar and notices a sign for help wanted. So he asks the bartender about the position. Bartender: "Great you got the job, I've been up for over two days running this joint since my last employee quit. Take over, please, while I go get some sleep." Guy: "Okay, but I hope I do alright with this." Bartender: "Look it's cake. Just remember most of the people who come in here are deaf mutes, so when they order they either give you one finger for beer or two fingers for whiskey. Can you remember that?" Guy: "Okay, one finger for beer, two fingers for whiskey. Got it." Well pretty soon people start coming in. And, just as the bartender said, they either gave one finger for beer or two for whiskey. Everything was going great, until the guy noticed a man in the corner moving his hand like a hand puppet. [Take your hand and keep all fingers together and straight except for your thumb, then open and close your hand like a hand puppet. Get it?] Okay, so anyways, he sees this guy doing this and wonders what the hell is he doing. He decides to ignore him, so he continues to give out his beers and whiskeys. Pretty soon the bar is packed, and everyone in the bar is doing the hand puppet thing. The guy is really tense about this. He runs into the back of the bar and wakes up the bartender. Guy: "Hey man, sorry to wake you. Look you said one finger for beer, and two for whiskey. No problem. But everyone out there is doing this (shows him the puppet thing). What the hell does that mean?" Bartender: "Oh man, now that they're singing, they'll never leave." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A monkey was up in a tree playing with some coconuts. One fell out of the tree and hit a Lion in the head. The lion shouted, "I am the king of the jungle! Who dares to hit me with a coconut!" The lion sees the monkey in the tree and calls him down. He tells the monkey that he has his choice of punishments. The lion will either bite off his head or his tail. The monkey thinks about it for a second and says,"You better bite off my head, because if you bite off my tail I'll look like one of those black folks!" A truck loaded with bowling balls hits a telephone pole in a Polish town. All of a sudden Polish families start running out of their homes with sledge hammers and begin smashing all of the bowling balls. When questioned why they were doing this, their reply was "Grab a hammer we're trying to kill the eggs before the black babies hatch. What do you get if you play a country western song backwards? - You get your girl back, your dog back, your job back, your friends back, need I go on!! A black man dies and goes before St. Peter. St. Peter tells him that he will be asked three question before he is let into heaven. Here is the first question: 1) What are the two days of the week that start with "T" The black man thinks for a second and replies: "Thats easy Today and tommorrow" St. Peter says well, not exactly what I was looking for but you are right. Ok, here's the next question: 2) How many seconds are there in a year? He thinks again and replies,"Twelve" St Peter say that he is nowhere near the mark on this one> The black man says,"Think about it January 2, February 2, March 2, etc.." St. Peter realizes that he is right and agrees with him. 3) What is the name of your Lord? Without hesitation, the black man says,"Howard". Howard, where did you come up with that. The black man says," You know in chruch; Our Father, who art in heaven "Howard" be his name. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A couple has a male friend visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeping him from traveling. Since the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning. "Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we're all friends here." The husband concurs, and before long they're settled in: Husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right. After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed, and invites him to have sex with her. Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant. "We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll kill me." "Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair out of his ass. He won't even wake up." So the friend does so, and sure enough, she's right. Her husband sleeps right through having a hair yanked out of his ass. So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to her side of the bed. After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his side of the bed, asking him to do it again. The same argument follows, another hair is yanked from the husband's ass, and again they have sex. This keeps up for about half the night, until after about the sixth time, when the wife goes back to her side. Then the husband rolls over, and whispers to his friend, "It's bad enough that you're fucking my wife, but could you at least stop using my ass for a scoreboard?" ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ WILL WORK FOR FOOD Franchises still available!!! YES!!! MAKE BIG$$$ (TAX FREE*)+ With your very own........ "WILL WORK FOR FOOD" FRANCHISE (available now in all major cities!) WE SUPPLY: Cardboard signs, your exclusive territory (prime locations still available!), thrift clothing (crutches, backpacks, etc.), thermos jugs, suntan lotion, and sack lunches. Free transportation in one of our 15 passenger, air conditioned vans, to and from "work" PLUS!!: Our special video tape, "How to Look Homeless" BONUS: 60 minute audio cassette, "Intimidation, Maximizing Society's Compassion" Say goodbye now to that dead end job! CALL TODAY - OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY: 1-800-RIP-UOFF *most state and federal tax laws allow certain levels of tax free income. Our experts will explain all tax procedures to you at your initial visit. +our business counselors will assist your daily small franchise fee calculations. references available upon request. ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A student, needing some knowledge, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of learning pills are available. The pharmacist says "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature! "What else do you have?" asks the student. "Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist. The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?" The pharmacist says "Wait just a moment", and goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter. "I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student. The pharmacist replied "Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ A gay man gets in an auto accident and is pronounced basically brain dead in the hospital. One of his co-workers come to see him at the hospital, and as he walks in the room he sees a bunch of the guy's gay friends all sobbing around him. He's taken by the grief and decides to try and make them feel better, so he walks in and says, "Hey look at the bright side, he's still in the same food group at least." They all turn and give him a questioning look. He says, "You know, he was a fruit, but now he's a vegetable." ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ