*** Compiled, edited & written by Ian Douglas Issue #16: December 1996 iandoug@lia.co.za http://www.dbn.lia.net/users/iandoug/ $ Introduction: Some interesting (email-wise) new subscribers: "Marijuana Legalise" and oasis@isnt.dead.just.idle.net. A big welcome to our new subscribers, and especially to our two new countries: Japan and Zambia. I have updated the description of F13 on the listserver, but since most of you have not seen it, I include it here. It may answer some of the questions which keep you awake at night :-) ================================================== Purpose: F13 is a monthly read-only e-zine guaranteed interesting and amusing. There are 13 sections, generally liberally laced with original and borrowed humour, chosen because they cover some of my interests. F13 is aimed at people with some grey matter between their ears. Some of the material may be of a slightly adult nature, but there's no crude or vulgar material. The sections are: 1. Quotations Some short interesting extracts from some of my favourite books, and sometimes some enlightening ideas from famous people. 2. How to Play Games From a philosophical perspective :-) 'Games' is broadly defined, as you will see. 3. Computer Security General security issues, virus news, etc. 4. Interesting Stuff 'Nuff said! :-) 5. The Farsian Chronicles An otherwise-perspective look at South African and world affairs. Otherwise known as the alternative alternative press :-) 6. Motivational and Inspirational For those days when you are really feeling down :-) 7. Science and Technology Recent news, developments, etc. 8. Advertising and The Media A problem section for me at the moment, due to my international audience. I try to keep the news internationally relevant. 9. Health Generally news and snippets I think you will find interesting. 10. Humour Selections from the best of the net and elsewhere. 11. NetNews What's happening on the net, software developments, etc. 12. Recipes Usually only one - but something you probably have not eaten before. And easy to make (I am a bachelor..) 13. Things to Think About. For those hours when you lie awake in the middle of the night :-) Why "F13"? ... well, it is a sort of satirical poke at myself. There are 13 sections in each issue, there is no F13 key on the standard PC keyboard, and F13 is sometimes used as an abbreviation for File 13, also known as the trashcan, where we dump the garbage. Some people may think that what I write is garbage, I may disagree :-) I used to write a monthly article on computer security, and that evolved into F13. At the time I was also madly in love with The Empress, and needed a way to tell her what I was like, and interested in, but we were not exactly on speaking terms. So F13 did the job for me (without success). A true labour of love :-) Since then it has taken on a life of its own, sort of... Back issues are available on my web site at http://www.dbn.lia.net/users/iandoug ====================================================== Lots of thanks to Claire Cooper, Michael Glover and Derek Scotney for their kind fan mail. From: Claire Cooper Hi! I've just found F13 and at last a South African male who appears to have a brain as well as a sense of humour. Where do you find the time to do all this stuff? It's good to see someone taking a look at SA politics - I'm losing my sense of humour rapidly where that is concerned. For instance, Durban taxi drivers are finally being arrested for their traffic fines - however, they are now protesting because the police are not arresting them at the times which were agreed upon! Is this for real?! From: Michael Glover I very much appreciate this list. Most of the other few I subscribe-to are good on technical content, but uninspiringly written. I look forward most to this list which is like a breath of fresh air. I am also particularly fond of South Africa which I visited a month before The Great Election. British television have been running a multi-episode series on Cecil Rhodes (filmed entirely in RSA) and I must say I was a bit ashamed of the disgraceful conduct of my forefathers. I'm afraid my schoolteachers interpreted history rather differently to the film. From: Derek Scotney Great E-zine. Definately THE way to get the month started. I distribute copies to colleagues in the office and to friends and family. Keep it up. Thanks to Leon Treurnich and Andrew Seldon for sending me some of the material in this issue. Note for new readers: comments starting [$ are from me. Also, I use metric currency (my own invention)- so one Dollar is 1$, one Rand is 1R, a million Rand is 1MR, and a (U.S.) billion Dollars is 1G$. The decimal point is usually a ','. CONTENTS: ~~~~~~~~~ 1. Quotations 2. How To Play Games 3. Computer Security 4. Interesting Stuff 5. The Farsian Chronicles 6. Motivational / Inspirational 7. Science / Technology 8. Advertising / The Media 9. Health 10. Humour 11. NetNews 12. Recipes 13. Things to Think About =========================================================================== 1. Quotations "Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active." Leonardo da Vinci [$ yeah, but tell my bosses.. :-) ] "In all affairs there has to be acceptance and solidarity to form the basic bonding at the start. Ties may be made by virtue, by partisanship, by money, or by sex." from "The Master of Demon Valley" "What a terrifying reflection it is, by the way, that nearly all our deep love for women who are not our kindred depends - at any rate, in the first instance - upon their personal appearance. If we lost them, and found them again dreadful to look on, though otherwise they were the very same, should we still love them?" from H. Rider Haggard's "She" "Your conscience is the measure of the honesty of your selfishness. Listen to it carefully." from Richard Bach's "Illusions" "Atrocity is recognised as such by victim and perpetrator alike, by all who learn about it at whatever remove. Atrocity has no excuses, no mitigating argument. Atrocity never balances or rectifies the past. Atrocity merely arms the future for more atrocity. It is self-perpetuating upon itself - a barbarous form of incest. Whoever commits atrocity also commits those future atrocities thus bred." from "Children of Dune," by Frank Herbert "Only the man who does not need it, is fit to inherit wealth - the man who would have made his own fortune no matter where he started. If an heir is equal to his money, it serves him; if not, it destroys him. But you look on and you cry that money corrupted him. Did it? Or did he corrupt his money? Do not envy a worthless heir; his wealth is not yours and you would have done no better with it. Do not think that it should have been distributed among you; loading the world with fifty parasites instead of one, would not bring back the dead virtue which was the fortune. Money is a living power that dies without its root. Money will not serve the mind that cannot match it. Is this the reason why you call it evil?" Francisco d'Anconia in Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged" =========================================================================== $ 2. How To Play Games Rule 28: Your progress graph will never be a straight line Many people expect that when learning a new skill, they will keep getting better and better all the time - a continuous upward improvement. But life, and games are not like that. You will have ups and downs. Expect them, don't let the downs discourage you or the ups make you overconfident. Rule 29: Don't play the same game over and over continuously. Take a break. You will get 'stale' if you do. Try your hand at other activities to give your subconscious time to process and assimilate the new skills that you are learning. In this context, 'continuously' also means 'just playing one game over a given period (days, weeks, etc).' ============================================================================ 3. Computer Security IBM is developing interesting new software which they hope will eliminate the virus threat, on networks at any rate. At present around 6 new viruses are created every day. In the IBM plan, antivirus software on the desktop computer will identify suspicious code, capture it, and send it via the internet to IBM labs. There, another program will analyse it using a form of artificial intelligence to determine not only how to detect it, but also how to fix it. This fix is then sent back not only to the computer that found it, but all others logged into the network (or internet). This should provide some interesting logistical problems.. Wonder how they will handle all those Microsoft Macro viruses... The idea is that within a few mintes of one PC detecting a virus, all other PC's in the world will be immunised against it. Somehow I have my reservations about this scheme working in practice, even though it works fine in the IBM labs already. Mitch Dove from Gas Software reports the following virus infections in South Africa recently: Winword.Concept.F; Sampo; Russian_Flag; Natas.4744; Little Red; Exebug A, B, C and Hooker; WinWord.Wazzu.J; Bravo; Winword.Npad; Burglar; WinWord.Concept ( New Strain, yet to be identified ) Mitch writes further: "There are now two Excel Macro viruses, both recognised as Laroux. The new addition is known as Laroux.B. "The macro virus problem is growing very rapidly, to a point, that new or variants of older viruses are being written at a rate of one a day on a global level. In South Africa over the past month, we have seen three variants of WinWord.Concept, the lastest being a very unusual strain. "It is well documented and no secret, that this is the only Computer virus family, that when infecting your system, comes with its own unencryted source code, therfore no mean task for anyone with Macro programing knowledge to modify the supplied Macros and create a brand new strain of the original. "I see the Macro viruses as becoming a greater problem then that of the standard MBR / Boot viruses, this is my opinion only, but consider the facts here, 1) source code is suplied with the infection, 2) documentation is moved from one PC to another far more readily then Executionable Program Software, 3) Previously isolated Platforms, i.e. MAC, which had a handful of real virus infections, now become susceptible to the Macro viruses, so now we have a virus strain that is able to handle muti-platforms and to make issues worse, newer strains are also Language indifferent, in other words it will infect German languaged Word just as well as it does the English version." A new contributor: Ywain Penberthy from the CSIR. He reports the following recent infections: Winword.Concept.A and B; Exebug; Die_Hard; Natas; Natas.47xx; Vienna; Russian Flag; AntiCMOS; Winword.FormatC; Beijing; Sampo; Red Book; Bravo; Taipan.438; Stoned.J&M; Winword.Wazzu; Hare; Michelangelo; B1; Agiplan Thanks to Mitch and Ywain :-) ============================================================================ 4. Interesting Stuff A new cycle of solar interference activities is building up, and is expecteed to peak around the year 2000. The interference is caused by sunspot activity. Researchers are worried about repeats of the consequences, like in 1989 (the previous peak) when parts of Quebec, Canada, were blacked out. They also worry about the effects on new technologies like communications and navigations systems (GPS, cell phones, etc). Orbiting satellites and space junk could also be affected, having slower orbits which will affect their footprints on earth. The Mexicans are trademarking the name 'Tequila', much like the French did with 'Champagne'. Now only tequila produced in Mexico can legally use the label of 'tequila'. 215 000 people attended COMDEX this year. It is booksale time again here in Cape Town (locals are encouraged to visit their academic bookshops), and on my first outing, I bought three books worth about 470R for 20R. One of them was Applying Anthropology, which produced some fascinating bits of trivia, perfect for spicing up dull parties at this time of year...: Early man was not a 'noble hunter' but more likely a scavenger like hyenas, whose prime source of animal protein was bone marrow from stolen lower limbs, not meat from animals he killed. Early man was probably bigger than us: the average east Mediterranean male 30 000 years ago was 177.1cm (5'9.75") and women 166.5cm (5'5.5"). Averages in the USA in the '60s was men 174.2cm (5'8.5") and women 163.4cm (5'4.5") Men in a certain region of South America have blue penises. Our babies are born so helpless because they are born before they are 'ready'. Walking upright changed women's pelvic structure, leaving a smaller opening for giving birth. At the same time, human brains got bigger, creating bigger skulls. The combination of these two factors caused women to give birth at an earlier stage of development, before the baby's head became to big to get out. Body odour comes from sweat secreted through glands called apocrine glands. Orientals have almost none, and thus do not smell much, if at all. The smelliest are north Europeans. Body odour is so rare in Japan that it was once thought to be a disease requiring hospitalisation, and indicating a European in the bloodline. Microsoft has hired Alexey Pajitnov, the Russian who invented Tetris, to work in their games unit. ============================================================================ $ 5. The Farsian Chronicles "If liberty and equality, as is thought by some, are chiefly to be found in democracy, they will be best attained when all persons alike share in the government to the utmost." Aristotle "I hate war as only a soldier who has lived it can, only as one who has seen its brutality, its futility, its stupidity." Dwight D. Eisenhower It is criminal to steal a purse. It is daring to steal a fortune. It is a mark of greatness to steal a crown. The blame diminishes as the guilt increases. Schiller (1759-1805) If we open a quarrel between the past and the present, we shall find that we have lost the future. Winston Churchill Philanthropy is commendable, but it must not cause the philanthropist to overlook the circumstances of economic injustice which make philanthropy necessary. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. "To my mind to kill in war is not a whit better than to commit ordinary murder." Albert Einstein "... in modern war you will die like a dog for no good reason." Ernest Hemingway [$ in ancient war, too ] Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul. Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens), Inscription beneath his bust in Hall of Fame. He that would make his own liberty secure must guard even his enemy from oppression; for if he violates this duty he establishes a precedent that will reach to himself. Thomas Paine A Washington think tank has announced a breakthrough in the search for a pattern to US military activities since World War II: "We think they are spelling out a message," explains an unnamed spokesperson. "If we rearrange the first letters of Korea, Vietnam, Libya, Iraq, Iran, El Salvador, Grenada, Nicaragua and Somalia, it spells 'ELVIS _S KING.' We just need to find another 'I' country to complete the message." Perhaps this explains the second attack on Iraq?! [$ Italy has reportedly increased defense spending... :-) ] Q: What do Saddam Hussein and Little Miss Muffett have in common? A: They both have Kurds in their way. Main news down here in SA recently has been Mandela's strange behaviour. In the space of a few weeks, he has (1) Lectured senior Black journalists for their criticism of the government; (2) Allowed a chaotic situation to develop in the Free State provincial government, including replacing the whole cabinet; (3) Appointed the previous head of the SABC (South African Broadcasting Corporation) to head the new Free State provincial cabinet, thereby confirming that her appointment to run the SABC had been a political appointment; (4) Appointed a new SABC board which is ANC aligned; and (5) Caved in to mainland China by cutting diplomatic ties with Taiwan, in order to establish ties with mainland China. This strange behaviour, which has been roundly condemned by almost all opposition parties, indicates that he is no longer suitable to run SA. I have thus decided that he needs to be removed from office.. :-) In another strange decision from government, they decided to steal all underground water and make it government property. Thus any farmers now pumping their own water from underground reservoirs or underground rivers will now be liable to pay the government for said water. Seems that government is allowed to steal whatever it likes... The world's attention is focused on central Africa at the moment, what with a refugee crisis and assorted mini-wars raging. Not sure what to make of all that - the situation is indeed very confused. My only observation is that the region's prime crops are coffee and tea, so maybe the companies that deal in those things have a finger in the pie. Or else we may expect shortages of coffee and tea, leading to price rises. The other major story recently was the Exam Papers debacle. This year, for the first time, all matriculants in SA are writing the same set of exam papers. In previous years, different provinces and racial groups had had different sets of papers. Part one of the scandal were the exam paper leaks - papers appeared on the black market, typically costing around 50R each. This led to several exams being cancelled and rescheduled, which of course interfered with some people's holiday plans and airplane tickets... Part two of the scandal was the standard of the papers themselves: extremely low. My brother's wife is a high school teacher, and they gave the matric (12th year of school) climatology paper to their top Std 6 (8th year of school) class... who achieved an average score of 60%. And this on material which they will only learn in four years time! One of the questions gave a map of South Africa, in which two regions - the Kalahari desert and the Drakensberg mountains - were marked. The question was 'why are these two regions not suitable for agriculture?' ... This sort of question paper led some of the better schools to issue statements that they would be issuing their OWN matric certificates, based on internal school exams, which were of course of the tradionally high standard. I wait with bated breath for the results to come out - should be very interesting... =========================================================================== 6. Motivational / Inspirational "Firmness of purpose is one of the most necessary sinews of character, and one of the best instruments of success. Without it genius wastes its efforts in a maze of inconsistencies." Philip Dormer Chesterfield (1694-1773) You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however Richard Bach "Obstacles are things you see when you take your eyes off your goal." E. Joseph Cossman One must be thrust out of a finished cycle in life, and that leap is the most difficult to make -- to part with one's faith, one's love, when one would prefer to renew the faith and recreate the passion. Anais Nin Of course people are afraid. But honestly facing that fear, seeing it for what it is, is the only way of putting it to rest. Harvey Fierstein "We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful what we pretend to be." Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves, too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. W.H. Murray (from the journal of his Himalayan expedition) Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail. Ralph Waldo Emerson It is faith that impels men to action. Intelligence is content to point out the road, but never drives us along it. Dr. Alexis Carrel "Have you considered that if you 'don't make waves' nobody including yourself will know that you are alive?" Theodore Isaac Rubin "Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact." William James "The truth will set you free. But before it does, it will make you angry." Jerry Joiner [$ a serious understatement.. (from experience) ] I have the feeling when I write poetry that I'm doing what I'm supposed to do. You don't think about whether you're going to get money or fame, you just do it. Doris Lund Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls, and looks like work. Thomas A. Edison "The man who trims himself to suit everybody will soon whittle himself away." Charles Schwab [$ interesting aside: both these last two gentlemen featured prominently in Napolean Hill's "Think and Grow Rich"] If you are never scared or embarrassed or hurt, it means you never take any chances. Julia Sorel Whenever you see a successful business, someone once made a courageous decision. Peter Drucker Those who would have nothing to do with thorns must never attempt to gather flowers. One hundred percent of the shots you don't take don't go in. Wayne Gretzky =========================================================================== 7. Science / Technology A British MP wants to pass a law to force companies to deal with the Year 2000 problem. He believes that companies cannot be relied upon to fix the bug of their own accord. Silly him - companies face a simple choice - fix it or go bankrupt. I'm sure they'll make the right choice :-) (for those not aware of the Year 2000 bug - basically a lot of computer programs and data files only handle dates with 2 digits for the year. That works fine until you hit 00 - because you have no way of knowing if it is 1900 or 2000. Most programs will work as if it was 1900, causing all sorts of problems. Expect to hear lots more about this in the future.) Sharp in Japan have a new processor that can handle 3,8 billion operations per second, with minimal power consumption. Instead of using a clock like conventional processors, it basically waits for data to arrive, and then springs into action. This gives a power consumption as low as 0,5 W. The result of 15 years research, Sharp plans to use the chip in video cameras, DVD, 3-D graphics systems, etc. Just-when-you-thought-it-was-safe-to-go-back-in-the-water Dept: CD-ROM speeds continue to increase. Last Christmas, manufactures were dumping 4X drives, and moving to 6X. Recently, one month after shipping 10X drives, Toshiba moved to 12X, and is already sampling 15X drives to computer manufacturers. Meanwhile Korea's LG will ship a 16X drive by Christmas 1996. While consumers may love the new speeds, no one is thrilled that the 8X they bought in September (like me) is now thoroughly obsolete. There is another problem: some disks worked OK on slow 2X or 4X drives, but don't work on the new high speed drives. This is because they were not made as precisely as they should have been. The slower drives had time to compensate for this, but the new drives spin so fast that they cannot compensate for misaligned tracks. Result: disk is unreadable. In the meantime, while we wait patiently for DVD to arrive, five leading companies (HP, Mitsubishi (Verbatim), Philips, Ricoh, Sony) have come up with ANOTHER new standard, this time called CD-ReWritable. The disks will hold 650MB, and be compatible with CD-ROM and DVD, conforming to Orange Book specs. Expect them early next year. Toshiba have introduced the world's smallest PC camera, weighing just 130g. It works fast enough to provide real-time video at 30 frames per second, pushing through 132MB per second. The image is 640x480, the same size as standard VGA. Panasonic have introduced a new printer which prints photographs. It uses special paper, and no inks, ribbons, or powders. It is ideally suited for use with pictures taken with digital cameras. The cost per print is about the same as for normal photographs. IBM has a new disk drive for notebook PC's. It is under 1cm thick, has a 2,5 inch diameter and stores 1,6GB .... MIcrosoft once again intends bringing out a common successor to Win95 and WinNT, apparently in 1998 or 1999 (more likely 2002, if there are any customers left). Bear that in mind before you rush out to buy Win97 :-) Useful Acronyms PCMCIA People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms ISDN It Still Does Nothing APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity SCSI System Can't See It DOS Defunct Operating System BASIC Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control IBM I Blame Microsoft DEC Do Expect Cuts CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too. [$ but then again, maybe not :-) ] WWW World Wide Wait MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs =========================================================================== $ 8. Advertising / The Media New words used by journalists and newsreaders on SABC radio and TV: Word Probable meaning ==== ================ sackle circle mutt mud So we had the latest round of the Miss World competition, this time held in India, amid threats of suicides and protests from people who consider it degrading to women. I noticed that the clothes the contestents wore were rather more discreet than usual. Of the top ten, I got most of the top five right, and two of the top three, but missed the winner. Was actually rather surprised when Miss Greece won, since she had not impressed me :-). Kudos to South America, who provided three of the top five.. now I know where to emigrate to :-) What I found interesting was that the top five all had Indian-type facial structures, even though they came from all over the globe. This probably reflects the mostly-Indian makeup of the judging panel. Vanessa-Mae has released a new album - The Classical Album 1. The more I see of her, the more impressed I am - she is one of THE most amazing people born this century. I look forward to meeting her one day ;-) (I kinda suspect that she may have the same personality type as me.. what do you think, Glenna?) =========================================================================== 9. Health "The best index to people's character is (a) how they treat people who can't do them any good, and (b) how they treat people who can't fight back." Abigail Van Buren South Africa had two virus scares this month - Congo Fever, and Ebola. The Congo Fever appears to have come from a tick on an ostrich, which bit a worker, who unfortunately died. Several other people who got infected were nursed back to health. As a result of this, hundreds of ostriches were put down. The ostrich farmers had a further setback when their areas were flooded, washing hundreds more ostriches away. Pity - ostrich is healthier than beef for eating. The Ebola virus was brought to SA by a Gabonese doctor. A nurse who treated him got infected, and later died, after weeks in intensive care. The doctor was healed, and returned to Gabon healthy. The odd thing is that the SA doctor who treated him did not know that he had Ebola, just that he was very sick. Eventually they found that steroids helped, and cured him. Now medical science has a possible cure for Ebola - steroids - which they would not have known if the nurse had not got sick, thereby revealing what had been wrong with the Gabonese doctor... Statistics for SA reveal that 1 out of 6 women are beaten by their partners, 1 woman is murdered by her partner every 6 days, and there are about 2 rapes a minute. (for the record, most of this occurs in our third-world communities) December 1st was international AIDS day, and people were encouraged to wear a red ribbon. I heard that wearing a red ribbon won't help, but wearing a condom will... In Brazil, at least five women have decided to emulate Lorena Bobbitt, nad have attacked their male partner's Pride And Joy, with varying degrees of success. One 27 year old hero, who had his penis hacked off by his 17 year old girlfriend after he told her he was breaking up with her, stuck it in an ice bucket and was rushed by air to a hospital. Four hours later, it was sewn back on. Another married woman succeeded in cutting off hubby's left testicle and flushing it down the toilet after he arrived home drunk and tried to get amorous. Two other attacks occured when the woman realised she was not the only woman in the man's life.. Yet another woman tore off her lover's penis with her hands. [$ Let's be careful out there... :-) ] =========================================================================== 10. Humour If you are feeling down, be grateful you are not as down as these people: "When I was born..the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father...I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through." "When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up." "I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get." "I remember the time I was kidnaped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof" "I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing." "Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him...Do you think we'll ever find them? He said..I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide." "I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor... so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said.. On your mark..." "Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!" "I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!" "A girl phoned me and said...Come on over there's nobody home. I went over... Nobody was home!" "I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest." "My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him...If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion...he said... Alright...you're ugly too!" A long time ago, when I was on the INTJ mailing list, I got into serious trouble with the women on the list for referring to women as girls. The issue was mostly semantic/cultural, based on differences between the USA and South Africa. Part of the problem is that there is no female equivalent for the word 'guy'. So to clear up the differences between men and guys, we have the following guidelines: Men: know what they want to be doing five years down the road. Guys: are not sure what they want to be doing later tonight. Men: read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf. Guys: read King, watch Seinfeld, play poker. Men: wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes with laces. Guys: wear high school T-shirts they've actually owned since high school. Men: think perfume (yours) is a turn-on. Guys: think sweat (theirs) is a turn-on. Men: balance their checkbooks. Guys: balance their loans so that they never hit up the same buddy twice in a row. Men: claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors, driving, and paying for dinner. Guys: claim to be feminists so they can let YOU open doors, drive, and pay for dinner. Men: are afraid of becoming their fathers. Guys: are afraid of becoming men. Men: put you on the phone when their mothers call. Guys: pretend you're not there when their moms call. Men: start their own businesses. Guys: quit their jobs. Men: are experts on women's erogenous zones. Guys: are experts on their own erogenous zone. "Men are like computers: I don't understand them, I just use them for my amusement." anonymous female... Dear Friend, This letter was started by a woman like yourself in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discontented women. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just bundle up your husband and send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the list. Then add your name to the bottom of the list and send a copy of this to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. When your name comes to the top of the list, you will receive 3,325 men ... and some of them are bound to be better than the one you gave up! DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN! One woman did, and received her own jerk back. At this writing, a friend of mine had already received 184 men; they buried her yesterday, but it took four undertakers 36 hours to get the smile off of her face. We're counting on you, A Satisfied Woman A day without paronomasia is a day without punshine. Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered." The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." The third said,"I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is colour coded" The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable." Fifth surgeon said, "I like Engineers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..." A husband and a wife were out enjoying a round of golf about to tee off on the third hole which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to their surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces. They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head. The wife said, "Do you live here?" "No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful," he answered. The wife said, "Are you a genie?" "Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, the third I will keep for myself," the man replied. The husband and wife agreed on two wishes...one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever. The genie nodded and said, "Done!" The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife." I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire." The husband and wife agreed. After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?" to which she responded, "Three years." The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?" to which she responded, "31 years old." The genie then asked, "How long has he believed in this genie stuff?" There's this fella with a parrot. And the parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way -- what did the chicken do?" The end of the year brings 'performance reviews.' Mine went off OK, but for the rest of you, here is a guide to understanding what you boss thinks of you :-) Average: not too bright Active socially: drinks heavily Character above reproach: still one step ahead of the law Unlimited potential: will stick with us until retirement Quick thinking: always has a plausible excuse for mistakes Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: buys drinks for bosses A stern disciplinarian: a real jerk Tactful in dealing with superiors: knows when to keep mouth shut Spends extra hours on the job: has a miserable home life Demonstrates qualities of leadership: has a loud voice Judgement is usually sound: lucky Keen sense of humour: knows lots of dirty jokes Hard worker: always does it the hard way Will go far: relative of the boss =========================================================================== 11. NetNews Over in Hong Kong, Hongkong Telecom (largest telecomms company in Asia) is planning to deploy Java at the heart of an upcoming interactive-television network. The move is being carefully wathced by Java devotees as well as the committee developing MHEG (multimedia and hypermedia information standard). If the Java solution works, it could make the MHEG standard redundant. Advertising revenues on the WWW are up by 42,6% for the 3Q96. About 66M$ was spent worldwide on WWW ads, bringing the total for 1996 to around 138M$ so far. Biggest winner was Netscape, with around 8,2M$ in ad sales. The top ten spenders accounted for 28% of all adspend, led by Microsoft with 2,9M$. Netscape has handed their WWW scripting language, JavaScript, over to the European Computer Manufacturers Association standards body. This is to ensure that it remains an open standard, freely available to all. Microsoft has announced plans to merge v4.0 and v5.0 of their Internet Explorer, into one product. Current plans indicate that it will be available around June 1997 (knowing MS, make that Sep-Oct). They hope to have a Beta available by the end of 1996. However the there will be no standalone version for Windows - it will be part of Windows 97. Meanwhile, Netscape has announced two new technology moves: the first, Communicator, will be a suite of products which will include Netscape v4.0, as well as whiteboard/voice/textchat, email, Composer (HTML editor), etc. Then they have Constellation, which seems to be aimed at replacing the Microsoft desktop. Netscape is also pushing to have a beta of Navigator v4.0 out by the end of the year. Number of Brazilian orphans to be available for adoption on the Internet: 48 Number of e-mail address entries, per person, on the MIT alumni contribution form: 2 Number of ill chess players rescued after calling for help on the Internet: 1 Number of entries in Maclean's magazine Internet directory, 9/2/96: 7 Number of U.S. states with "wanted lists" of child support offenders on the Internet: 7 Percentage of comics in The Boston Globe with Internet addresses: 63 Percentage of the first 20 ads in the October 1996 Scientific American with Web addresses: 75 Percentage of the first 20 ads in the October 1996 Scientific American with toll-free numbers: 70 Percentage of the first 20 ads in the October 7, 1996 Business Week with Web addresses: 60 Percentage of the first 20 ads in the October 7, 1996 Business Week with toll-free numbers: 80 Percentage of online users who prefer to remain anonymous when visiting Websites: 60 Amount, in millions of dollars, that President Clinton proposes to spend for expanding Internet capacity at universities: 500 Amount, in millions of dollars, that Microsoft plans to spend promoting its Microsoft Network (MSN) in the next 12 months: 100 Number of visitors to NetAction's Internet kiosk near the San Francisco Civic Center during one week: 100 Number of volunteers who staffed the kiosk: 26 Number of e-mail messages to the FBI about the crash of TWA Flight 800 in the first eleven days after the crash: 900 Maximum prison term, in years, for possessing an unauthorized modem in Myanmar (Burma): 15 The Irish rock band U2 may have become the world's first music group to be burglarized on the Internet, according to reports. Two songs lifted from the band's yet-to-be released album have been removed from computers at U2's Dublin studio and distributed on the Internet, according to the Sunday Times of London. Island Records, which manages the multi-million selling artists, says the appearance of the songs represents copyright infringement. Island is reportedly trying to close down the Internet sites on which the songs, "Discotheque" and "Wake Up Dead Man," appear. >From a web site offering sex services (who wanted to be listed in F13) [after offering you the chance to list your service for free] "This entry will remain in the directory until it becomes absolute.If it is irrelevant is will be deleted without refund. To list your entry is FREE, because we are increasing the directory now. " $ Resources: http://www.epicurious.com great recipes http://www.lia.co.za/users/iandoug/movies/index.htm Movies for Africa http://www.ibmpcug.co.uk/~owls/edibilia.html delicacies http://www.foodwine.com good cooking site http://www.avault.com Adrenaline Vault http://rubens.anu.edu.au/imageserve interesting images http://www.indonesiatoday.com all about Indonesia http://menshealth.neographic.com Men's Health magazine http://www.fitnesslink.com health & fitness http://www.interaccess.com/intelweb current affairs http://www.finy.com Fashion Internet http://www.netpirates.com Online casino =========================================================================== 12. Recipes Pineapple and Parsley Ice Cream Serves six 750g fresh pineapple 1 tablespoon fructose (fruit sugar, from health dept in supermarket) 300ml plain low fat yoghurt 1 tablespoon chopped parsley 2 egg whites Remove skin and core from pineapple. Finely chop one third of the flesh and set aside. Puree the remaining pineapple in a blender with the fructose and yoghurt. Pour the puree into a freezer container and freeze for about 90 minutes until mushy. Beat in the chopped pineapple and parsley. Beat the egg whites until they form stiff peaks and fold into the pineapple mixture. Cover, seal and freeze. =========================================================================== 13. Things to Think About If you could choose to marry absolutely anyone on earth (as in 'marry', not as in 'one night stand'), who would you choose? Why? =========================================================================== Sections marked with a '$' are original and CopyLeft 1996 by Ian Douglas. See Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged" for explanation of the '$'. The rest is part direct lift from various Net sources, and part paraphrased or directly lifted from various print media. Permission to reproduce is granted as long as source is credited. Back issues available on my web site. To subscribe, send a message to mlist@neptune.infolink.co.za. In the body of the message, put subscribe f13 To unsubscribe, do the same, except use 'unsubscribe f13' (without the quotes, of course). F13 is available as a read-only mailing list on the Internet, with over 390 subscribers in 34 countries at the moment. Current countries represented are: Australia, Belgium, Brazil, Canada, China, Fiji, France, Germany, Hong Kong, India, Ireland, Italy, Japan, Latvia, Lithuania, Malaysia, Mauritius, Mexico, Namibia, Netherlands, Norway, Portugal, Russia, South Africa, South Korea, Sweden, Switzerland, Singapore, Trinidad & Tobago, UAE, UK, Uruguay, USA, Zambia. If your country is not listed, please advise me... Back issues are on my web site. -------------------------------------------------------------------- iandoug@lia.co.za P.O. Box 484, Sanlamhof 7532, South Africa 37 : 1,73 : 58 : blue : dark brown PGP key available http://www.dbn.lia.net/users/iandoug Proudly iN*T*j.