*** Compiled, edited & written by Ian Douglas Issue #15: November 1996 iandoug@lia.co.za http://www.lia.co.za/users/iandoug/ $ Introduction: First, some apologies: Yes, F13 is late, been rather busy and depressed. The Empress has disappeared and my career is in a state of confusion. That's enough to depress anyone.. :-) Some subscribers actually noticed it was late, which kinda surprised me.. This issue is also shorter than usual, for the above reasons... Secondly, sorry to all those people (mostly new subscribers - a big welcome to you...) who were bombarded with useless messages from MajorDomo, telling them that johndoe@somewhere.com (etc) has joined the F13 list. The problem is now fixed. And lastly, welcome to our new countries: Fiji and Uruguay. If you receive two copies of this, please let me know - there may be duplicates on the list. Lots of thanks to Mary McIlvenna, ******* *******, Poovie Govender, Louise Baskind, Duncan Brown, Peter Munnings, Pit, Douglas Ulyate, Victor Joubert, Desire Steele, Hendre Falkson and Matthew McClement for their kind fan mail. For F13: From: anonymous Mr. Douglas... Hi...great issue, thank you for not using my name and please don't print this letter. :) ******* ******* (I'm not irish) From: Douglas Ulyate I have read the issues of F13 that were included with Rob's BBS List, and I really enjoyed them. Now that I'm on the 'Net, I would like you to put me on your subscription list. From: Matthew Mc Clement Just wanted to thanx for a great e-zine... When's Octobers edition comming out? For my web sites: From: Hendre Falkson Hi, your Hiness I could not believe that you are not on the SA Web-chart....I have been reading you for AGES (re computer viruses) so I nominated you! From: pit I was particularly impressed with you artwork of the dragon and have so decided to award your page the coveted THING AWARD tm. The pic is attached and you can copy this code into your html doc for easiness: [$ code cut] I see we both share the same artistic talent and am proud to give you a THING AWARD tm. Please visit our homepage at http://goofy.iafrica.com/~mauricep/syndicate/thing.htm [$ not really convinced that this is an honour...] From: martha [$ my SA readers will get the joke..] Subject: Your Bod Ian Your photo makes me wet when I look at it; I want your body badly!! Please contact urgently.... Martha (about my Netscape Colour Names page on my web site) From: Mary McIlvenna You page is gonna be a big help. Good job, and thanks a lot. From: "Desire Steele" Browsing about your page and saw your Netscape Colour Chart - which I collect like a magpie ... it's a great page. (about my Movies for Africa site) From: Poovie Govender I would like to use the movie crits from this site for my radio programme. I present a two hour programme of laid-back music on a community (non-profit) radio station. Can I have permission to use details??? I am prepared to mention the site/ or persons name etc. From: Louise Baskind I really love your site - I was just wondering how I could find out what the forthcoming attractions are about? From: Peter Munnings At last, an updated movie guide on the internet - specifically for South Africa. Well done. Is there any chance you will have which movies are showing where ? From: Victor Joubert thanks ian - good informative site Thanks to Leon Treunich and Simon Taplin for sending me some of the material in this issue. Note for new readers: comments starting [$ are from me. Also, I use metric currency (my own invention)- so one Dollar is 1$, one Rand is 1R, a million Rand is 1MR, and a (U.S.) billion Dollars is 1G$. The decimal point is a ','. CONTENTS: ~~~~~~~~~ 1. Quotations 2. How To Play Games 3. Computer Security 4. Interesting Stuff 5. The Farsian Chronicles 6. Motivational / Inspirational 7. Science / Technology 8. Advertising / The Media 9. Health 10. Humour 11. NetNews 12. Recipes 13. Things to Think About =========================================================================== 1. Quotations "Character and intelligence: The poles your talent spins on, displaying your gifts. One without the other brings only half of success. It isn't enough to be intelligent; you must also have the right character. The fool fails by behaving without regard to his condition, position, origin, or friendships." from "The Art of Wordly Wisdom," by Baltasar Gracian "Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours." from Richard Bach's "Illusions" "The concept of progress acts as a protective mechanism to shield us from the terrors of the future." from "Dune," by Frank Herbert "Money will not purchase happiness for the man who has no concept of what he wants; money will not give him a code of values, if he's evaded the knowledge of what to value, and it will not provide him with a purpose, if he's evaded the choice of what to seek. Money will not buy intelligence for the fool, or admiration for the coward, or respect for the incompetent. The man who attempts to purchase the brains of his superiors to serve him, with his money replacing his judgement, ends up by becoming the victim of his inferiors. The men of intelligence desert him, but the cheats and the frauds come flocking to him, drawn by a law which he has not discovered: that no man may be smaller than his money. Is this the reason why you call it evil?" Francisco d'Anconia in Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged" =========================================================================== $ 2. How To Play Games Rule 26: Never judge a player from only one performance He may be having an off day - or just be having a run of good luck. This is true whether he is playing Asteroids, or opposing you in court. Or even just the first time you meet her... Rule 27: The game is training you to do what it wants you to. When you do, you are rewarded. When you don't, you are punished. This insight, when fully understood, may change the way you respond to games, and life, completely. On a basic level, the game designer puts problems into his game, for the player to solve. When you do, you are rewarded, and punished when you do not. However most players do not view games like that. They have the opposite perspective - that THEY are in charge, and are trying to make the game do what THEY want. It is not true. That is why they struggle to master the game. You can't force your will onto the game. You can only do what it lets you do. It will guide you by rewards and punishments, to the correct moves to make. Yes, I'm talking about the bigger game of life too :-) ============================================================================ 3. Computer Security USA computer hacker Kevin Mitnick has appeared in federal court in Los Angeles. He faces 25 counts on charges stemming from a series of computer break-ins that took place between June 1992 and February 1995. Mitnick is accused of attacking systems belonging to software makers, ISPs, and educational institutions, including Netcom, Colorado Supernet, Motorola, Nokia, Fujitsu, Novell, NEC, Sun Microsystems, and the University of Southern California. He could theoretically face more than 100 years in prison if convicted. But calculating the term with any certainty is difficult, Assistant U.S. Attorney David Schindler said. His only comment: "It's many, many years." Nine out of 10 British firms are reported to be affected by electronic security breaches and theft - costing more than stlg2bn a year. Computer crime in Britain affects nine out of 10 businesses, with viruses and chip theft causing the most trouble, according to a new survey. More than stlg5 million worth of electronic security breaches were examined by the National Computing Centre, which found evidence of sharp rises in the cost and frequency of technology-related crimes. According to the survey, viruses have become the most common problem for British businesses, affecting 51 per cent of firms. The increasing sophistication and persistence of modern viruses has added to the cost of their removal: stlg4,190 is now the average cost of disinfecting an infected system, with particularly pernicious examples costing up to stlg100,000 to remove. The NCC has prepared a list of 30 top tips to improve your company's information security. Among the most effective: don't leave evidence of recently bought equipment on view for thieves to see - nothing is more attractive than a pile of PC packing cases on the doorstep. Mitch Dove from Gas Software reports the following virus infections in South Africa recently: Bravo, Natas , WinWord.Concept, Winword.Npad, ExeBug.A, Russian_Flag, Die-Hard.4000.A & B , Stoned, Hare, Ear.Leonardo (NEW), Manzon, Reverse, Empire.Monkey.B, Red-Zar.461.1467, Welcome.B, Bunny.B, Piek. He writes further: "As can be see, we are fast being exposed to viruses not normally seen within out borders, does this tell you something." [$ i.e. the stuff is coming in via the net] Thanks to Mitch for his monthly inputs :-) ============================================================================ 4. Interesting Stuff Seymour Cray, founder of the super computer, died in a car crash, aged 70. Britons have called for a ban on the American computer game, Schoolhouse Slaughter. In the game, you have to shoot school kids as they walk across a playground. The call follows the massacre in Dunblane, Scotland in March this year. The other day, a 3 year old daughter and her 5 year old brother, still possesing the innocence of youth, were bathing together. At one point, and with complete sincerity, the daughter turned to her mother and said, "You know, Mommy, there's just something I like about penises." After watching the vice-presidential debate last night, Bill Clinton proclaimed it a victory for the democratic party, stating that it went "as smoothly as a silk blouse sliding off the back of a young campaign worker." * In February, Odalys Toledo, 30, was sentenced to five years in prison for attempted bank robbery. Last August, she had telephoned the FBI in Newark, N. J., and told them that a woman, fitting her own description and wearing what she was wearing, would soon try to rob the City National Bank downtown. She was arrested when she later entered the bank. Asked Toledo's motive, her public-defender lawyer said, "I have no good answer." [Newark Star-Ledger, 2-23-95] * In December, the town of Bexley, Ohio, adjacent to Columbus, granted a permit for a McDonald's on a main street, and construction began despite much opposition that a fast-food restaurant was not appropriate for the neighborhood. The opponents said they preferred the site's then-current occupant, an adult video store. [Albuquerque Journal-AP, 12-28-94] * In December, the U. S. Drug Enforcement Administration office in Wilmington, N. C., made a public announcement that a valuable piece of technology had been stolen. The head of the office asked the public's help for its return, and offered a reward, but refused to identify the object except to say that it was palm- sized. Said the supervisor, "For security reasons, I can't say what it looked like." [The Observer (Charlotte, N. C.), 12-5-94] * Joseph Bertolino, 37, said he has been in severe pain since 1993, when his arm was pulled into a woodworking machine while he was employed at a Sierra Pacific Industries mill in Red Bluff, Calif. In April 1995, Bertolino, distraught with pain, rushed into the mill with a gun and fired 20 shots at the machine, resulting in some dents and chipped paint. [San Jose Mercury News-AP, 4-23-95] * In Salem, Ohio, in January, Robert E. Pugh, 24, accidentally shot himself in the leg while crawling on the floor of his girlfriend's home tracking down a mouse he had seen. [Youngstown Vindicator, 1-6-95] * In Youngstown, Ohio, in March, Andre Adkins, 23, accidentally shot himself in the groin when, after firing off a few shots at a target, he put the gun into his waistband with his finger still on the trigger. And Al Rodrigues, 24, who had planned to return the gun he had just bought because he and his wife had decided it was dangerous to have around, accidentally shot himself in the penis as he stood at the side of a road in Hawthorne, Calif., in March after supposedly unloading the gun. [Youngstown Vindicator, 3-28-95] [The Daily Breeze, 4-1-95] Here is absolute proof that Barney, the cute purple dinosaur is really Satan. Read the following. As you are aware, Dinosaurs are old. The numerical system used during the days of the dinosaurs were, of course Roman numerals. You've seen evidence of that in B.C. Also, you should be aware that the Romans did not use the letter "u." They used the letter "v" instead. Remove all letters that aren't roman numerals. CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAUR CV V L DI V C=100 V=5 L=50 D=500 I=1 100 + 5 + 5 + 50 + 500 + 1 + 5 = 666 How could you have been so blind... Stop the Purple Menace... before he stops you. ============================================================================ $ 5. The Farsian Chronicles "You cannot have a rational discussion with a man who prefers shooting you to being convinced by you." Karl Popper "When you call yourself an Indian or a Muslim or a Christian or a European, or anything else, you are being violent. Do you see why it is violent? Because you are separating yourself from the rest of mankind. When you separate yourself by belief, by nationality, by tradition, it breeds violence. So a man who is trying to understand violence does not belong to any country, to any religion, to any political party or partial system; he is concerned with the total understanding of mankind." J. Krishnamurti, "Freedom from the Known," "After I am dead, I would rather have them ask why Cato has no monument than why he has one." Cato the Elder "Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it." G.B. Shaw The greatest circus show on Earth - the USA presidential election - is drawing to a close as I write. This year's race has been described as a 'choice between the evil of two lessers.' Personally I thought the race between Hilary and Dole was rather interesting. Hilary was the first woman to become president, even though she had to rule by proxy with a rather lifelike ventriloquist's dummy. Dole on the other hand had no chance of winning. This may be a deliberate ploy by the Republicans to ensure that a Democrat is in the White House when the year 2000 rolls around, bringing with it the infamous 'year 2000 bug' in computer software. Many businesses - and governments - are likely to go bust in January 2000, if not before. Thus a wise political party will seek to ensure that it is NOT in power at the time the pawpaw hits the fan... The other fascinating thing about the US elections is the low voter turnout - around 55% or less if I am not too misinformed. And since only about half of those will vote for the winner, in effect the president is only supported by around 25% of the electorate. And this is 'democracy' - the rule of the *majority*? Over in Afghanistan, Taleban Islamic fundamentalists have taken control of large areas of the country. Two of the cuckoo policies they implemented were to ban girls from going to school, and forbidding women from working. Welcome to the 20th century, guys... Here in sunny South Africa, our currency has taken anothe serious dive in value. This happened about a week after the IMF came visiting, and kinda begged us to take a loan from them. We declined. Of course, the currency crash has nothing to do with the IMF, all those nasty rumours of international speculators deliberately driving the currency down are not true. Now we are considering taking the IMF up on their kind offer of assistance... How nice for them.... The current government has been complaining that the previous government borrowed too much money, creating a heavy interest burden. So it makes perfect sense that they will now go and borrow MORE money to increase the interest burden even more... No matter that the poor taxpayers have to pay it all back... The other major event today (5th Nov) is Guy Fawkes Day. Guy Fawkes was a terrorist who tried to blow up the British parliament a few hundred years ago, and was burnt at the stake for his trouble. The custom of remembering his Gunpowder Plot came to SA with the British, and has taken root. Even though fireworks were banned a few years ago, their recent unbanning has rekindled the firework frenzy. I find all these bangs most annoying, since it is impossible to sleep. Cats and dogs suffer even more. There has been a widespread public outcry against fireworks this year, and I expect them to be banned or severely restricted again. It *is* basically a silly waste of money, especially for a country with balance-of-payments problems... Bill of No Rights by Lewis W. Napper We, the sensible of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional, and other liberal, commie, pinko bedwetters. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights. You do not have the right to a new car, big-screen color TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything. You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be. You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all of your relatives independently wealthy. You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes. You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care. You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and kill you. You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure. You do not have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat. You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities in education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful. You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness -- which, by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those around you who were confused by the Bill of Rights. Copyright #169; Lewis W. Napper. All Rights Reserved. http://oscar.teclink.net/~napper napper@felix.TECLink.Net =========================================================================== 6. Motivational / Inspirational Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved. William Jennings Bryan "One cannot collect all the beautiful shells on the beach." Anne Morrow Lindbergh Of all the people in the world, those who want the most are those who have the most. David Grayson God will not look you over for medals, degrees or diplomas, but for scars. Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915) A single event can awaken within us a stranger totally unknown to us. Antoine de Saint-Exupery There is one thing stronger that all the armies in the world; and that is an idea whose time has come. It does not take much strength to do things, but it requires great strength to decide on what to do. Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915) U.S. publisher, author You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot do. Eleanor Roosevelt When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty. George Bernard Shaw "A year from now you may wish you had started today." Karen Lamb. [$ My pal, Leon "Striking Viking" Treurnich, having noticed that my fame has spread around the world because of my brilliant quotes (none in this issue), has decided to join the ranks of the elite by sharing his profound wisdoms with the world. Fanmail can be sent to leont@igubu.saix.net ] Thoughts by LT "Voltaire said that 'We are unhappy only when we think.' I would like to add: 'and vica versa.'" "You don't get great ideas by sitting and thinking. You get them by living life to the utmost, but not blindly." "The most important thing in life is: (wait for it) To be happy. How we achieve happiness is up to each person, but too many of us have really stupid ways of searching for it." "To test someone's love you have to hurt them" holds true, but the need for such a test is an indication of one or more of the following: Insecurity on your part, infidelity on the part of the other person, or immaturity of the relationship. Of course it all boils down to bad communication." "It is good to sit down and ponder things now and again, but remember that in the meanwhile time is running out..." [$ thus ends the wisdom of Leon...] "When you stop learning, stop listening, stop looking and asking questions, always new questions, then it is time to die." Lillian Smith If you don't make a total commitment to whatever you're doing, then you start looking to bail out the first time the boat starts leaking. It's tough enough getting that boat to shore with everybody rowing, let alone when a guy stands up and starts putting his life jacket on. Lou Holtz Ideological differences are no excuse for rudeness. Judith Martin (1938-____) They were so strong in their beliefs that there came a time when it hardly mattered what exactly those beliefs were; they all fused into a single stubbornness. Louise Erdrich (1954-____) An idealist believes the short run doesn't count. A cynic believes the long run doesn't matter. A realist believes that what is done or left undone in the short run determines the long run. Sydney J. Harris (1917-1986) Without ambition one starts nothing. Without work one finishes nothing. The prize will not be sent to you. As to methods there may be a million and then some, but the principles are few. The man who grasps principles can successfully select his own methods. The man who tries methods, ignoring principles, is sure to have trouble. Ralph Waldo Emerson "Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend." Martin Luther King "Whenever books are burned men also in the end are burned." Heinrich Heine Almansor Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything. George Bernard Shaw "We must not allow other people's limited perceptions to define us." Virginia Satir "Where shall we begin? "There is no beginning. Start where you arrive. Stop before what entices you. And work! You will enter little by little into the entirety. Method will be born in proportion to your interest... "In the calm details of work, we must learn patience, which in turn teaches energy, and energy gives us eternal youth made of self collectedness and enthusiasm." Auguste Rodin Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. Ralph Waldo Emerson The only time you don't fail is the last time you try anything--and it works. William Strong Until you make peace with who you are, you'll never be content with what you have. Doris Mortman "People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character." Ralph Waldo Emerson "Total freedom is never what one imagines and, in fact, hardly exists. It comes as a shock in life to learn that we usually only exchange one set of restrictions for another. The second set, however, is self-chosen, and therefore easier to accept." Anne Morrow Lindbergh =========================================================================== 7. Science / Technology Microsoft is working hard on speech and vision products, and expects to release a speech recognition engine to developers shortly. Bill Gates waxed lyrical and foresaw the day when speech recognition will be part of the operating system of PC's. Guess no one told him OS/2 already does that :-) He also says MS is working on vision recognition products, so that you can gesture to your PC and it will know what to do. Wonder why Star Trek only uses voice recognition?... Gates also talks about using voice commands to navigate the internet, adding that "no one's talking about this today, but that's Microsoft's long-term approach." Guess no one told him Netscape for OS/2 already does voice navigation on the internet... According to the Wall Street Journal, 50% of all chief executives do not use a PC at work. Mainly because they don't know how to. Researchers at Bell Labs have used electron technology to develop a new chip making process. They will be able to use 0.08 micron technology, which is more than 4 times smaller than the current 0.35 micron spaces. A new US company has announced a new chio set for PC's, which aims to reduce the numerous plug-in cards (modem, sound, video, 3-D) to one. Further on in the modem wars, there are now 4 competing standards for 56.5kb modems, none of which can speak to the other. Consumers are advised to wait for sanity to prevail, and not to buy any until standards are finalised and interoperability ensured. The alternative is that we go back to the HS days, with different 16.8 and 19.2 modem standards... =========================================================================== $ 8. Advertising / The Media New words used by journalists and newsreaders on SABC radio and TV: Word Probable meaning ==== ================ chatter charter hostel hostile The International Olympic Committee is to crack down on exploitation of the olympics. No more unchecked commercialisation or 'junk merchandising.' Further to the Time-Life story from last month, they went and committed credit card fraud by sending unauthorised debits against my credit card to my bank. They also sent me another mail shot, which promised me the opportunity of winning a video recorder worth R0 0000. ( I repeat, R0 0000). The censor board decided to unban the controversial movie 'Kids'. more next month... =========================================================================== 9. Health The Top 10 Causes of Death in America 1. Heart disease 37.8 % 2. Cancer 19.3 % 3. STROKE 10.3 % 4. Accidents (non-auto) 3.0 % 5. Influenza (pneumonia) 2.9 % 6. Motor Vehicle Accidents 2.4 % 7. Diabetes 1.9 % 8. Liver Disease 1.7 % 9. Arterial Sclerosis 1.5 % 10. Suicide 1.4 % A WOMAN'S 50 RULES FOR MEN 1. Call. 2. Don't lie. 3. Never tape any of her body parts together. 4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls. 5. If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting. 6. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes." 7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?" 8. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad. 9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad. 10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad. 11. "Honey", "Darling", and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag", "Lardass", and "Bitch" are bad. 12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony. 13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question. 14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed. 15. Her cooking is excellent. 16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking. 17. Dish soap is your friend. 18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean. 19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay. 20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation. 21. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?" 22. Two words: clean socks. 23. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk. 24. Burping is not sexy. 25. You're wrong. 26. You're sorry. 27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is. 28. Ditto for your discourse on football. 29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound. 30. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad. 31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood. 32. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist. 33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice. 34. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue. 35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm. 36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive. 37. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it. 38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you. 39. Don't tell her you love her if you don't. 40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often. 41. Always, always suck up to her brother. 42. Think boxers. 43. Silk boxers. 44. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names. 45. Don't try to change the way she dresses. 46. Her haircut is never bad. 47. Don't let your friends pick on her. (please note that the following two have been mentioned not once, but twice) 48. Call. 49. Don't lie. 50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your ass smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything out. $ Ian's rules for women: Don't lie.] The rat population in Paris, France, has exploded, as a result of an anti-terrorist clampdown last year. This resulted in all the litter bins in the city being sealed, producing piles of garbage, aka rat heaven. Parisians dump around 70 tonnes of litter per day onto the streets. The rats can reproduce 900 fold in two years. Up to 1000 Australians die each year as a result of the hot climate there. PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline... If you are obessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want, just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press... no one will answer. =========================================================================== 10. Humour Time is that attribute of the universe which keeps everything from happening at once. Lately it hasn't been working so well. An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked. The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted. "Could I have a pint of ale?" "No!" she shouted. "Could I at least use your privvy?" "No!" she shouted again. The vagabond said, "Might I please ...?" "What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish. "D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?" Since the end of year is year, and many people will be looking for jobs, here is a guide to decoding job adverts: "ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:" You'll be making under $7 an hour. "ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:" You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year. "AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY:" We want you to get your hopes up, but there's no chance in hell we'll be the next Microsoft. "PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:" Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit. "COMPETITIVE SALARY:" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. "JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:" We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers. "NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:" Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since. "IMMEDIATE OPENING:" The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad. "SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:" We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check. "SELF-MOTIVATED:" Management won't answer questions "WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS:" After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay. "SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:"...who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries. "CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. "COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:" We have a lot of staff turnover. "EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT:" Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts. "JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:" We all listen to nutty motivational tapes. "FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT:" Your coworkers will be insulted if you don't drink with them. "A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT:" We booze it up at company parties. "MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. "SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:" If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it. "SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:" Some time each night and some time each weekend. "SALARY RANGE $24k-$32k:" We'll offer you $22k to start. "A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION:" You'll give boring speeches on your own time. "FLEXIBLE HOURS:" Work 40 hours; get paid for 25. "DUTIES WILL VARY:" Anyone in the office can boss you around. "WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED:" Those who missed the last round of layoffs, that is. "MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:" We have no quality control. "COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:" Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion. "NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:" We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality. "SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:" You'll need it to replace three people who just left. "PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:" You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos. "REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:" You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect. "GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:" Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do. "ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:" You whine, you're fired. "ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY:" We loooooove brown-nosers. Q: Why do computer programmers get Halloween & Christmas confused? A: OCT 31 = DEC 25 Q: What's the integral of 1/cabin? A: Log cabin Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey -- Nice bike! Where did you get it?" "Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!!'" "Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fitted you anyway." Willie was a Chemist, But Willie is no more, What Willie thought was H20 Was H2SO4. [$ for the non-scientific: H2O is water, H2SO4 is sulphuric acid...] Q: What is long and stiff when you shove it in and small and wrinkly when you take it out? A: A chewing gum Two old men were sitting on the beach in Florida, talking about their lives and how they came to be there. The first one says "I ran the biggest clothing store in all of Brooklyn, but one day, poof, a fire came along and burned it all up. So I took the insurance money and retired, and here I am." The second guy looks at him. "No kidding? I ran the biggest clothing shop in St. Louis until a flood wiped out my store. I took the insurance money and retired, too." The first guy sits there for a moment. "Wow. How do you arrange a flood?" =========================================================================== 11. NetNews SUBJ: Scientists Decode the First Message From an Alien Civilization! SIMPLY SEND 6 TIMES 10 TO THE 50 ATOMS OF HYDROGEN TO THE STAR SYSTEM AT THE TOP OF THE LIST, CROSS OFF THAT STAR SYSTEM, THEN PUT YOUR STAR SYSTEM AT THE BOTTOM OF THE LIST AND SEND IT TO 100 OTHER STAR SYSTEMS. WITHIN ONE TENTH OF A GALACTIC ROTATION YOU WILL RECEIVE ENOUGH HYDROGEN TO POWER YOUR CIVILIZATION UNTIL ENTROPY REACHES ITS MAXIMUM! IT REALLY WORKS! The Internet Society has formed an ad-hoc international committee to sort out the current mess around domain names. They plan adding around 150 new top-level domain names, with names like .oil or .law. Scientists at the National University of Singapore claim to have developed a system that will allow direct, secure communications and transactions between participating financial institutions. The system depends on smart cards that transmit encrypted digital signatures. Freeware public domain web servers from Apache and NCSA dominate the internet. Netscape is third, with Microsoft fourth. However, on corporate intranets, it is the commercial products that are most popular. Netscape have announced details of Netscape v4.0, called Communicator. It is a modular package which will tackle Lotus Notes head on, and aims to provide a total messaging and communication solution over networks. Users will also have free access to over 40 providers that are currently part of the Netscape In-Box Direct program. It is now illegal for South Koreans to access web sites in North Korea... Microsoft has released a beta of Internet Explorer 3.01, which fixes a few bugs in IE 3.0. Netscape has done likewise for Netscape 3.0. USA readers are warned about the new 809 scams. Typically, you will receive email telling you to phone a number starting 809, to sort out some problem, get some special offer, or whatever. However, these are pay-by-the-minute numbers in the Caribbean, with charges up to 25$ a minute. They try and keep you online as long as possible. Be warned... A new streaming protocol, for video and sound, has been approved by over 40 major internet companies, except Miscrosoft. The RSTP (Real Time Streaming Protocol) will run on top of the existing internet protocols, just like HTTP. $ Resources: http://www.lia.co.za/users/iandoug/movies/index.htm Movies for Africa http://jubal.westnet.com/cgi-bin/crywalt/pothead.pl Virtual Spud Head sorry for short list, more next month... =========================================================================== 12. Recipes Turkey time in the USA: Turkey Portugaise serves 4 4 x 100g turkey fillets 1 clove garlic, peeled and crushed 2 tomatoes, roughly chopped 1 carrot, peeled and very thinly sliced salt, fresh ground black pepper watercress sprigs to garnish Place each turkey fillet on a piece of foil large enough to cover it. Spread a little crushed garlic on each one. Divide the carrot, tomatoe and onion between the fillets. Sprinkle salt and pepper to taste. Wrap fillets completely in foil and bake in a preheated oven (220C, 425F) for about 20 minutes, until tender. Serve in the packages with a tomato or green salad and garnish with the watercress. =========================================================================== 13. Things to Think About South Africa has just passed an 'abortion on request' bill amidst furious opposition. Should Hitler / Stalin / Mao / Pol Pot have been aborted? =========================================================================== Sections marked with a '$' are original and CopyLeft 1996 by Ian Douglas. See Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged" for explanation of the '$'. The rest is part direct lift from various Net sources, and part paraphrased or directly lifted from various print media. Permission to reproduce is granted as long as source is credited. Back issues available on my web site. To subscribe, send a message to mlist@neptune.infolink.co.za. In the body of the message, put subscribe f13 F13 is available as a read-only mailing list on the Internet, with over 340 subscribers in 31 countries at the moment. Current countries represented are: Australia, Belgium, Brazil, Canada, China, Fiji, France, Germany, Hong Kong, India, Ireland, Italy, Latvia, Lithuania, Malaysia, Mauritius, Mexico, Namibia, Netherlands, Norway, Portugal, Russia, South Africa, South Korea, Sweden, Switzerland, Singapore, Trinidad & Tobago, UK, Uruguay, USA. If your country is not listed, please advise me... Back issues are on my web site. -------------------------------------------------------------------- iandoug@lia.co.za P.O. Box 484, Sanlamhof 7532, South Africa 37 : 1,73 : 58 : blue : dark brown PGP key available http://www.lia.co.za/users/iandoug Proudly iN*T*j.