F 13 *** Compiled, edited & written by Ian Douglas Issue #11: July 1996 iandoug@lia.co.za http://www.lia.co.za/users/iandoug/ $ Introduction: A SERIOUS APOLOGY to all my subscribers who were bombarded with junkmail from MajorDomo - having problems with it. A big welcome to all the new subscribers. A rather disappointing month. Moving flats was a lousy experience. Lydia pitched up to help, but she was in a bad mood. We also had different understandings about what "helping to move" meant. Ended up having a bit of a fight, she left, Ian moved house alone (mostly). Got a pal to help with the heavy stuff (thanks Leon). Lydia's boyfriend has been giving me funny looks lately, so I am keeping a low profile... Nadia has finished her course and disappeared somewhere into the depths of our vast head office. Don't see her around much at all these days. Pity. Missed The Empress so much that I now allow myself the luxury of maybe glimpsing her once a week. Just wish she would invite me back into her life... Other than that, nothing happened. Not even anyone new and interesting ... :-((( Late new flash: (Sunday 30th) Seems like Ian got half-smiles from both Nadia and The Empress... [the plot thickens...] This issue probably lacks some ranting and raving, due to lack of time (sorting out the chaos in my new flat, and creating the Movies for Africa website). Have added extra humour to compensate. Problem confounded by damn Windoze software losing a lot of what I had done :-((( Lots of thanks to the following people for their kind messages (hope I didn't miss anyone): Steve (Audioguy), Brian Barnes, Wolfgang E. Grulke, Alex. From: Steve > >The month got off to a lousy start with Nadia biting my head off on 1 May. >2-bedroomed flat - really going up in the world :-) > > > Just got your message, haven't read it all yet, but just had to let you know that your HTML gag made me LOL. From: Brian Barnes I am a recent (and close, around the corner) subscriber to your newsletter (if that's what it is), and just thought to tell you that my wife and I find it most interesting and enjoyable. If you have subscribers from the thousands of countries you listed in the June edition, and they all contact you at one or other time like I am, then you probably don't sleep. From: Wolfgang E. Grulke [$ after a visit to my home page] Great stuff - I really enjoyed it. Will be back as soon as the dreadful devil time allows! From: Alex Still reading F13. And looking forward to it monthly. I also had more charmimg mail from the underground: Hello Idiot Just carrying on the mail we had earlier. What did you say to that lamer whose account i hijacked. He really is a nut. Oh well, America is so much fun but I have left enough trojans to irritate you and your friends. BTW, my real handle is DethWinD. I just used another guys handle on Virus Polytechnics who i think is a total nut. Drop Dead Sucker DethWind Now in the USA CONTENTS: ~~~~~~~~~ 1. Quotations 2. How To Play Games 3. Computer Security 4. Interesting Stuff 5. The Farsian Chronicles 6. Motivational / Inspirational 7. Science / Technology 8. Advertising / The Media 9. Health 10. Humour 11. NetNews 12. Recipes 13. Things to Think About =========================================================================== 1. Quotations "Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think." "The rights of one are as sacred as the rights of a million." Eugene V. Debs, US labor leader. "Wars throughout history have been waged for conquest and plunder...the master class has always declared the wars; the subject class has always fought the battles." Eugene V. Debs, US labour leader. "When great changes occur in history, when great principles are involved, as a rule the majority are wrong. The minority are right." Eugene V. Debs, address to jury, September, 1918 "If you want to be free, there is but one way; it is to guarantee an equally full measure of liberty to all your neighbors. there is no other." Carl Schurz "One trend that bothers me is the glorification of stupidity, that the media is reassuring people it's alright not to know anything. That to me is far more dangerous than a little pornography on the Internet." Carl Sagan "You are beautiful, but you are empty," he went on. "One could not die for you." from "The Little Prince," by Antoine de Saint-Exupery "Forget about faith!" Chiang said it time and again. "You didn't need faith to fly, you needed to understand flying. This is just the same. Now try again..." from Richard Bach's "Illusions" 'Religion and law among our masses must be one and the same,' his father said. 'An act of disobedience must be a sin and require religious penalties. This will have the dual benefit of bringing both greater obedience and greater bravery. We must depend not so much on the bravery of individuals, you see, as upon the bravery of a whole population.' from "Dune," by Frank Herbert [$ This philosophy is the essence of evil, and when applied in human history, led to the greatest oppression of mankind.] "To trade by means of money is the code of the men of good will. Money rests on the axiom that every man is the owner of his mind and his effort. Money allows no power to prescribe the value of your effort except the voluntary choice of the man who is willing to trade you his effort in return." Francisco d'Anconia in Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged" =========================================================================== $ 2. How To Play Games Rule 18: Don't go through, go around Many players think that the only way past an obstacle is to blast it out of existence, or otherwise tackle it head on. That is not true, particularly in situations where you are alone against multiple enemies. In such conditions, it is often easier (and wiser) to avoid the confrontation and simply bypass the obstacle. Choose another route. Finesse the opposition without fighting. "The acme of skill is to conquer without fighting" - Sun Tzu, The Art of War. Rule 19: The most interesting and enjoyable games aren't always those with the prettiest graphics An observation applicable to many things, from video games to Web sites to women. In fact, the rule with video games is that pretty graphics attract attention, but GAMEPLAY is what makes a succesful game. Some of the best and most addictive games I have ever played had simple graphics, while some graphically stunning games are dead dogs. Similarly with web sites - designers try and have the flashiest sites possible, when what people actually want is CONTENT. Lastly, when it comes to women... Well, it's nice when she is nice to look at, but if there is nothing going on inside her head, I don't see any chance for a long term relationship... ============================================================================ $ 3. Computer Security Microsoft has licenced some anti-virus technology from McAfee, for incorporation into a future Microsoft Internet product. McAfee also said that their WebShield, for internet gateways and firewalls, should ship in 3Q96. Thanks to Simon Taplin for the next two items: A hotel bookings clerk, who taught himself computing skills so he could hack Marriott Hotels' reservations system, was found guilty of causing stlg250,000 of damage to the company's customer database at Southwark Magistrates Court last week. Aleric Linden, a 25-year-old from Woodford Green, Essex, familiarised himself with Marriott International's automated billing system. He then resigned from his job with the hotel company, broke into the group's offices and doctored the system's database allowing him to raise bogus commission cheques. Linden then diverted the false cheques to three fictitious travel agencies he had set up expressly for the purpose. A recent issue of the London Sunday Times reports that banks in Great Britain have been paying hush money to computer crackers who penetrated their systems, in exchange for their silence about their conquests. Payments have totaled 400 million pounds ($619 million US) so far, and victims include the Bank of London. The crackers reportedly sent encrypted messages such as, "Now do you believe we can destroy your computers?" and used "logic bombs," which can be remotely detonated and other sophisticated information warfare techniques. [$ Ian is very sceptical of this report...] Mitch Dove of Gas Software, reports the following virus infections: Johannesburg Reverse.948.A, Unashamed, Die-Hard.4000, Michealangelo.A Matura.1642, Russian_Flag Bloemfontein Bunny.B, Drag Cape Town Die-Hard.4000 Pretoria Die-Hard.4000, Bravo, Angelina, Natas Mozambique Word Macro.Concept, Russian_Flag Mitch writes further: Although there are still a number of reports re the WordMacro.Concept viruses, this spate of infections seems to under control. With more companies opening up trade links and the fact that more and more people are becoming Internet aware, the introduction of International type viruses are on the increase. This brings home the importance in beefing up your Anti-virus software. The use of VxD Pro-Active Protection under Windows Platforms is definately the way to go, these "TSR" type memory scanners will protect your system from all incomming information, this includes E-Mail and Internet. Check out the Win95 2.23 version [$ of F-Prot], it is the only VxD memory scanner at the moment that will disinfect viruses on the fly, ie from memory base. http://www.gas.co.za/gassoft Robert Sandilands of the CSIR reports the following: Bravo Winword.Concept. Burglar (The Death of Grandma) BootExe.451 Whale Sarampo Kaczor.4444 Unashamed Naked Sampo Stoned.Angelina NoInt ExeBug Tequila Bunny Natas Taipan.438 Junkie A big thank-you to Mitch and Robert for their monthly inputs :-) ============================================================================ 4. Interesting Stuff China's tallest man (2,32m) is having problems getting shoes to fit his 36cm feet. He has appealed to China's cobblers to _please_ make him some shoes. The US recently launced some new "counterfeit proof" 100$ bills. Within weeks, high-quality forgeries hit the streets, apparently originating in Lebanon. The so-called Supernote is such a good fake that it passed tests in 12 Federal Reserve Banks. My alma mater, University of Cape Town, still leads the pack in SA when it comes to having the best academics. We have the most academics in the categories of A) World leader in his/her field, B) Internationally recognised, and C) producing work of international standard. Witwatersrand University came second, followed by Natal, Rand Afrikaans (distantly), and UNISA; with the rest bringing up the rear. SUBJ: The Top Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. -- Deuteronomy (Deuteronomy 21:11-13) Find a prostitute and marry her. -- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3) Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. -- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21) Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. -- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10) Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. -- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25) Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. -- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24) Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. -- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30) Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. -- David (I Samuel 18:27) Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.) -- Cain (Genesis 4:16-17) Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. -- Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4) When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." -- Samson (Judges 14:1-3) Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though). -- David (2 Samuel 11) Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law). -- Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth) Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. -- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3) A Chinese teenager who smoked 100 cigarettes at one sitting for a bet won the wager but lost his life. The 19 year-old construction worker in Tianjin, called Wu, had just finished his 5th pack of Peony brand cigarettes when he went pale and collapsed. "The attending doctor determined that Mr. Wu died of a heart attack brought on by excessive inhalation of cigarette smoke and acute nicotine poisoning," said the Jin Wan Bao newspaper. Wu and a friend devised the wager to cure their boredom, investigators were told. USA circulation figures: The National Enquirer - 2,201,879 The Star - 2,103,063 Time - 176,682 [$ ?? typo?] Penthouse - 741,323 Playboy - 660,271 TV Guide - 4,791,314 Soap Opera Digest - 727,002 The Nation - 3,925 ============================================================================ 5. The Farsian Chronicles Between January and April this year, SA deported 4468 Zimbabweans back to Zimbabwe for criminal offences. There are 90 280 Zimbabweans in SA whose temporary residence permits have expired. Illegal immigrants are often blamed for our high crime rate. More than 120 SA police officers were arrested between January and May this year on charges of theft, fraud, and corruption. Having survived Christian National Education, including a somewhat biased and lilywhite account of SA history, it came as something of a revelation to discover that one of our esteemed early Cape Governers (back in 16xx), Simon van der Stel, was a mulato - his mother was of Dutch/Indian descent. Our Police Chief announced this amazing plan to deal with the high crime rate in SA - they would arrest the 10 000 most wanted criminals in SA within 30 days. It took only a few seconds for yours truly, and other observers, to realise a MAJOR flaw in this scheme, assuming they succeed. Our prisons were designed to hold around 60 000 - 70 000 people, and currently have around 113 000 people crammed into them. We regularly release thousands of prisoners on parole to ease the pressure. Now suddenly we have to find space for another 10 000, as well as somehow find court time to prosecute them. But wait - it gets worse: according to press reports of the plan, around 237 000 other known criminals would ALSO be hunted down in the long term. Now where exactly are we going to put THEM? But wait - it gets even worser :-) : The SABC has launched this campaign to threaten us to pay our TV licences, threatening legal action against us if we don't pay. The people involved total almost 1 million. Wonder where they are going to lock THEM up, or even find the time to take them to court... A tamil rebel group, Ellalan Force, claimed that all tea exported from Sri Lanka between 19 April and 10 May this year was poisoned. South Africa is now not only famous for The Big Five (lion, hippo, rhino, leopard and elephant), but also for The Big Six - murder, rape, robbery, assault, burglary and vehicle theft. Make that The Big Seven - not paying TV licences... Wars continue to rage around the planet. During 1995, there were wars of various intensities in: Bosnia-Herzegovina, Croatia, Russia, Iran, Iraq, Israel, Turkey, Afghanistan, Bangladesh, Cambodia, India, Indonesia, Burma, The Philippines, Sri Lanka, Tajikistan, Algeria, Angola, Liberia, South Africa, Sierra Leone, Somalia, Sudan, Columbia, Guatemala, and Peru. At least six women in Bangladesh, who did not vote as their husbands instructed them to, have been divorced by their husbands. Wonder what happened to the concept of a secret ballot? ... Following stuff compiled from UseNet postings: You know you are in South Africa when: - the main headline of the evening TV news is the opinion of an unemployed squatter who spik inglish no good and calls on the head of Anglo-American to resign or face the consequences, - you realise after watching the news on TV that nothing happened in the rest of the world, - to alleviate congestion in post office queues, they bring in the innovative idea of selling scratch cards, - you are expected to carry a drivers licence that doesn't fit into your wallet, - the fact that there is an election and people are standing in line waiting to vote is more important than the result of the election, - the police advise you not to stop if they wave you down in the middle of the night but rather speed past them and drive to your nearest police station, - people would rather be killed in their beds than live in some country where they would have to get out and make it themselves, - the most popular vehicle is a 4x4 designed for driving in snow, (the reason for this may be the vast amount of mid-summer snow that you see in all Christmas decorations), - you no longer request anything, you "DIMAND" it, - you know what "vowlence" is, - people tell you that they wouldn't live anywhere else because the weather is so sh*t over there. - A Mini bus taxi passes you, just to stop right in front of you - When the road narrows, the guy to the rear of you has right of way. - You don't stop at a red traffic light, in case somebody hijacks your car. - You buy something that was damaged in the shop, and they won't refund you. - Votes have to be recounted until the right party wins. - You have to prove you don't need a loan to get one. - A shop clerk makes you feel as if he/she is doing you a favour by letting you buy from their shop. - Your insurance is higher than the repayments on your car. - You consider it a good month if you only get mugged once in the month. - When Ruwandan refugees start leaving the country because the crime rate is too high. - When the political parties spend time and money worrying about crimes of the past and ignore the crimes of the present. - When purse snatching becomes a national sport - When people start joking about the crime rate - The police asks you if they must follow up on the burglary you've just reported. - The rand goes for a dive, and everything go up, even old stock. - When you paint your cars registrations number on the roof in large letters. - When 2 Afrikaans TV programs are seperated by a Xhosa anouncement of the following Afrikaans program, and a Pedi ad. - The government has more opposition from themselves, than from any opposition party. - A minister is fired, and returns the government cell phone, but keeps the G-number-plated Bee-Em - The currency takes a dive, and the previous government gets the blame. - Students from Vaal Driehoek Technikon demands that their debt is written off.....at Pretoria Technikon - A 45 year old engineer get replaced by a 25 year old who cannot write his own name. - If the employees DANCE in front of the building to show how unhappy they are. - Half the city pays for the other halve's electricity and water supply. - When a murderer gets a 2 year sentence. and a pirate viewer a 6 month sentence. - The prisoners strike! - Crime actually DOES pay. - People are allowed to reclaim land (For free) that's been bought from their forefathers. - The SABC advertises and shows highlights of the program you just finished viewing. - The government GIVES you a house, and you complain. - You can't even go on a business trip to Oz without somebody asking knowingly: 'Oh, having a look around, are you?....' - the most popular vehicle is a 4x4 designed for driving in snow or off-road that people buy for the express purpose of driving to Sandton City/Constantia Village/GreenAcres/The Waterfront to do their grocery shopping - retail stores go out of their way to be open at the times that are most inconvenient to the majority of people (8:30 AM to 5:00 PM), and closed at the times when most people are able to go shopping (ie.after 5:00 PM) - the few innovative stores that stay open late have to close down through lack of business because the sheep, I mean people, can't get it through their skulls that you CAN go shopping at 10 PM - you attempt to get onto a freeway via an on-ramp and the guy approaching on the freeway deliberately speeds up to prevent you merging smoothly with the traffic - locally purchased BMWs and Mercs have a sign on the dash saying 'Use indicators only in case of extreme emergency' - there is more space between the sole of your foot and the accelerator pedal than between your rear bumper and the car behind you - people would rather drive a flashy car with HUGE repayments and MASSIVE insurance than live in a decent house - A Toyota Hilux bakkie cost as much as a Landrover. - A pick-up truck is described as a "bakkie" even in English. - The post office stores letters instead of delivering letters. - Sam Shilowa calls for a stayaway on his birthday - When a South African coming from America/UK have a more pronounced accent than an actual American/Englishman. - In every mall there is 10 curio shops all selling the same stuff. - When SOME people start thinking university is free to everyone. - When employer has to pay the employee wages during strike and cannot lock them out - When cops are always able to spot you for parking without display while never able to see the taxis [buses] parking in the middle of the road - When teacher don't get paid - If you want to get bursury for university, you better to be a black [excuse me for disclosing this] - If you blink, you miss the weather forecast on TV. - SABC 3 is SABC 2 after 18:30, only in KwaZulu-Natal, except on the weekend. - Petrol takes the biggest price jump in history, the banks increase their interest rates by two percent, and the Rand's value dives by 25%, but we are told that; "we have just had the lowest inflation rate increase in 24 years". - When you go to prison for murder, instead of the death sentence, you get a nice box of condoms. - When the 'News in English' pays little more than lip-service to the niceties of English grammar; - When the guy in the suit and tie eating samp-and-beans with silver cutlery is a politician; - When pre-election promises change into 'Rome wasn't built in a day' post-election rhetoric; - When the Minister of Housing didn't build a single house; - When the Minister of Finance doesn't wear a tie; - When the Minister-without-Portfolio makes more noise than all the portfolios put together, and then, when he's given a portfolio, you never hear from him again; - When the President receives Holy Commmunion in a Catholic Church and then passes the Constitution which allows for abortion-on-demand. - You can't make a phone call because the cables have been stolen,,, - could the government ram affirmative action down our throats while wondering how the graduates & professionals could be so unpatriotic as to want to emigrate.. - could the SABC summons you for non-payment of TV licence fees - when you don't have a television. - can you find people go on strike after a salary bonus has been given to them. - You have a Good(will) King, 6 Queens, 8 palaces, 10 Princes, 12 Princesses, R14 million per annum, a Lear jet, but just one spokesperson. - when the vote counters in the rural areas are as illiterate as the voters. =========================================================================== 6. Motivational / Inspirational Listen or thy tongue will keep thee deaf. -American Indian Proverb Chance never helps those who do not help themselves. - Sophocles Two step formula for handling stress: 1. Don't sweat the small stuff. 2. Remember that it's all small stuff. -Anthony Robbins When we lose the right to be different, we lose the privilege to be free. Charles Evans Hughes (1862-1948), US Supreme Court Chief Justice, Opinion, June 17, 1925 No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. - Eleanor Roosevelt "You must do the thing you think you cannot do." - Eleanor Roosevelt One must never lose time in vainly regretting the past or in complaining against the changes which cause us discomfort, for change is the essence of life. - Anatole France The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valliantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement; and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat. - Theodore Roosevelt Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires ... courage. - Ralph Waldo Emerson Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do, and they will surprise you with their ingenuity. - George S. Patton, US General Muhammad Ali once shared a story about growing up. In this story, The Champ illustrates the principal of turning a negative into an empowering positive event. As a kid growing up in Louisville Kentucky, Muhammad Ali's parents gave him a sparkling new bicycle. Growing up in a poor family, Ali never received many new things, so you can imagine his excitement as he took it to the gym to show his friends. After gathering his friends together, you can imagine Ali's heartbreak when he went outside only to find his new bike was stolen. He reported the theft to a policeman and promised that if Ali ever found out who took the bike, he would beat him up. The policeman asked him if he knew how to box, which he didn't, so the officer taught him. That was the start of Ali's boxing career. To this day, Ali never found out who stole his bicycle. But every time I get into the ring, Ali said, I look across at the other fighter and tell myself: "That's the guy who stole my bicycle". =========================================================================== 7. Science / Technology France is to buy South Africa's advanced mobile land-mine detection equipment. This is the first time we sell arms to a first-world country in decades. South Africa is a leader in mine detection and removal. Texas Instruments is building a miniature computer chip that will have the power of 20 of today's personal computers. They plan to put 125 million transistors onto a chip. The cost benefits of doing this will apparently put the price of advancd technology like wrist computers within reach of us peasants. The various parties involved in the DVD debate (DVD will supercede CDs and CD-ROMs and probably video too) have sorted out the various copyright issues involved. Now they can work on developing the standards necessary for digital-to-digital, digital-to-analog, and analog-to-digital copying. Acer in Taiwan has launched a 500$ PC that uses a TV as the display. It uses a 486 compatible chip, has an Iomega 100MB removable Zip drive, 1.44MB stiffy, and 4MB RAM. Software includes DOS, Win3.1, a web browser, and games and educational software. Acer has also introduced a 10X speed CD-ROM, for 200$. They also have a new keyboard - Future - with a detachable numeric keyoad and a touchpad keyboard (whatever THAT is). Price is 100$ with touchpad and 77$ without. Sony Corporation has finally released their own PC. Judging from a photo, it seems to have a Triniton screen (like the Macs), which should put it in a class of its own... >From UseNet: > I read that "THINK" used to be the IBM motto. Did anyone ever see this > while working/visiting IBM? Is it still the motto, or have they > replaced it with a new one? I believe the new one is "THINK MAC". =========================================================================== $ 8. Advertising / The Media This month's prize for the best movie poster is awarded to A Little Princess, mainly because of the photography of the girl's face. This month's prize for "most irritating" ads is swooped by the SABC, for their "pay your TV licence" campaign. This includes both their TV and radio spots. An unauthorised version of the radio ad goes as follows: Jaywalking is a crime Littering is a crime Urinating in public is a crime Slander is a crime Not paying your TV licence is a crime They, of course, try and put not paying your TV licence on the same level of evil as murder, rape, robbery, etc. In actual fact, the whole concept of a TV licence is a crime. People are forced to pay the licence even if they never watch SABC, but instead opt for subscriber services like M-Net or satellite TV. I wish M-Net would in fact take the SABC to court over the issue - it must be unconstitutional somehow... The SABC is in trouble because nearly 1 million people do not pay licence fees, and they are losing advertiser support because they tailor the programming towards those same 1 million people, who don't have money anyway. They don't even pay for municipal services, or rent, or electricity, so how can the SABC expect them to pay TV licences? The simple solution of course to for the SABC to encrypt their transmissions, and require viewers to purchase a decoder, or hopefully use their existing M-Net decoder on a different channel. But that solution will be vetoed by the ANC, as they rely on the SABC to deliver ANC propaganda and the ANC version of reality. In SA, the Child Protection Unit (which has a budget less than that of the Police Band), handled more than 28 000 cases of child abuse during 1995. Only a small percentage of all such crimes are reported to the police. A teenager from Togo finally managed to get asylum in US, on the grounds that returning to her home in Togo will result in her being circumcised. Ritual circumcision is practiced among 50% of the population there. It is estimated that 2 million girls are circumcised a year in Africa, with around 85 million females having been given the treatment. The victim is usually aged between 5 and 13, and mutilated without anaesthesia. It takes five people to immobilise a seven year old for the procedure. The practice also occurs in some Moslem countries. Male circumcision is even more widespread... =========================================================================== 10. Humour It turns out that the proper spelling of the Republican Party's ... nominee, Dole, is exactly the same as that of the word "penis" in Persian. When an elderly New York lawyer, after a typically long life of sin, was told he had only days to live, he rushed home and began to frantically leaf through the Bible, looking for loopholes. SUBJ: Top 10 Signs You're Addicted to the 'Net 10. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed. 9. You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 1.1 or higher." 8. You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom. 7. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 6. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment. 5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access. 4. You laugh at people with 2400-baud modems. 3. You start using smileys in your snail mail. 2. The last girl you picked up was a JPEG. 1. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem. You succeed. A man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. For the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea for a ship to come to his rescue. One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came a rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen -- or at least in last 4 months. She was tall, tanned, and her blonde hair flowed in the sea breeze. He watched as she rowed her boat toward him. As she arrived at the beach, he asked, "Where did you come from, how did you get here"? She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island.. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank" "Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there?" "It is only me," she said. "Would you like to row over to my place?" They both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island. The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, and there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Have a seat. Would you like a drink?" "No," said the man, "one more coconut juice and I will puke." "It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied, "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada? Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. "You look great," said the woman, "I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable." After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leaves strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia. "Tell me," she purred, "we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely? Is there anything that you really miss?" She moved closer to him. "Something that all men and woman need? Something that it would be really nice to have right now?" "Yes there is, now that you mention it," the man replied, moving closer to her. "Tell me, do you happen to have an Internet connection?" Thanks to Alex for the next item, which has been around in various forms for years: A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS OF A DIGITATED, MAMMALIAN BIPED --------------------------------------------------- ELEMENT : Female Human CHEMICAL SYMBOL : WO DISCOVERER : Adam ATOMIC WEIGHT : Accepted as 118 but known to vary from 100 to 160 lbs (mutations have been known to exceed 400 lbs.) OCCURRENCE : Surplus quantities in all urban areas APPROVED FORMULA : 36:24:36 USES : i) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars ii) Most powerful money reducing agent known to man ii) Can be a great aid to relaxation or a continuous source of frustration PHYSICAL PROP. : i) Surfaces usually covered in painted film ii) Boils at nothing and freezes in an instant ii) Melts if given the proper treatment iv) Bitter if used incorrectly v) Found in various states ranging from common ore to virgin metal vi) Non-magnetic but attracted by bank notes ii) Yields to pressure applied at correct point viii) In its natural state it varies considerably, but the shape is often artificially changed to conform to that of a perfect specimen. Such transformations are only discovered by an experienced eye ix) In some instances may start to gain weight and look like they have swallowed a basketball and then proceed to take qualities of a XEROX copier and start to make copies CHEMICAL PROP. : i) Possesses a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones ii) Able to asorb great quantities of expensive substances iii) May explore spontaneously if left alone with a male iv) Insoluble in liquids but activity is increased by saturation in alcohol v) Properties are vastly improved if specimen is placed in the dark TESTS : i) Pure specimens turn a rosy tint if discovered in the natural state ii) Turns green if placed beside a better looking specimen CAUTIONS : i) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands, must be used with great care and patience if experiments are to succeed ii) It is illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen but a certain amount of exchange is permissable iii) When detaching a permanent specimen get appropriate counsel because the SPECIMEN COULD DRAIN THE BLOOD FROM YOUR VEINS INDEFINATELY >From UseNet: >NUCLEAR BOMBS ARE NECESSARY FOR WORLD PEACE >----------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Lots of stuff about how througout history, the French have been peaceful victims of the Anglo-Saxon brutes...] Mon cher Claude, Has votre forgot about les petite Emperor Napolion? Mon due! Les froggies avec trampled over all europe! Quelle not the actions of a peace-amoreing nation! And les navy Francais WAS trez powerful! But les sailors avec France could not sail their way out of a wet paper sac, and so Admiral Nelson frappe'd votre butts! Quelle names "Battle of Nile" and "Trafalgar" mean peu to you? Then grande marchale Wellington had avec you French in Spain, and then again at Waterloo. During these annes, les pediferous french sets up beucoup colonies in Pacific. "Why are you doing that?" lisps Josephine. "I'm trying to take over the world" replies Bonoparte. Peu wonder les British then go down there and kick le Froggie Colonists out! Now le petite France has le bomb (exploding device?). Le rest of the world thinks "Perhaps they want to try to take over world again!". Hence le crys of protest. Sacre bleu! Do they not teach history in French schools???? Votre amigo Andrew 32 bits dynner 16 bits playte 8 bits byte 4 bits nybble 2 bits tayste Subject: Re: Sunrise/sunset calculations? The sunrise/sunset times also depend on the latitude of the viewer. As you know, the sun may stay airborne for weeks during the summer in the Arctic. This is of course due to the low air pressure up there. One of the most common misconceptions about sunrise/sunset times is that the earth is rotating at night at the same rate as it does during the day. Indeed, the earth rotates *faster* by day than by it does by night, when the sun accelerates inversely proportional to the earth's decceleration. This effect is analagous to a man riding a bicyle while swinging a ball on a string about his head. From the man's perspective, the bicycle moves at a constant speed, but from the perspective of the ball, the speed of the bicycle is irregular. Because of this phenomenon, a true calculation of sunrise is impossible, though an approximation can be achieved by measuring the angular distance between the sun and the horizon at noon, multiplying it by the local latitude, taking the square root, then adding the number of days that have passed since the last equinox. Divide this number by 60, and this is the number of minutes after noon the sunset will occur. Reverse the process to find the sunrise time. =========================================================================== 11. NetNews Local ISP's in SA have taken Telkom to court over alleged anti-competitive practices. Telkom is now also becoming an ISP, with a built in advantage - they own all the lines out of the country. Microsoft's Internet Explorer v3.0 (32 bit versions) now support Java. Lotus will begin beta-testing Notes v4.5 in July. Apart from web access, it also provides messaging for mobile users and groupware applications (including calendering), as well as supoorting Java applets, Netscape plug-ins, and a new security tool for dealing with malicious programs received via the internet. Meanwhile IBM and Netscape have signed an alliance to market software solutions for the internet and intranet markets. The idea is to combine IBM's powerful hardware with Netscape's powerful net servers and software. Netscape's home page gets about 80 million hits a day. It has had more than 10 thousand million hits since it started two years ago. British Telecom and the American MCI Communications are to combine their internet networks and so become the largest internet provider in the world. This will expand the global capacity for internet users by 30%. The New York State attorney general's office has begun formal investigations into America Online's (AOL) billing practices. They have allegedly been cheating customers by overcharging them for connect time. The Clinton administration's attempt to muzzle free speech on the internet came a cropper when a federal court ruled the law unconstitutional. However supporters of the law have not given up yet, and the government will appeal the verdict. NetSpeak plans to ship new software in July that will allow phone calls via the internet to conventional telephones, i.e. to a telephone NOT connected to the internet. The product will be aimed at business users, and provides full duplex realtime encrypted communications. Adobe have released version 3 of their Acrobat reader as a beta test. It integrates more closely with web browsers. "Internet Addiction Disorder" is now part of the medical lexicon. Symptoms include loss of control, cravings and withdrawal symptoms, social isolation, marital discord, and job loss. Just like alcoholism... There is at least one treatment facility for webaholics - the On-Line Addiction Center in Pennsylvania. $ Resources: http://www.lia.co.za/users/iandoug/movies/index.htm Movies for Africa http://www.atlantagames.com Olympics http://os2.iafrica.com/impact/index.htm Impact Information (ad industry) http://www.nc.ihost.com all about Network computers (NC's) http://www.boer.co.za/boer/cyber/volkstaa.html CyberVolkstaat http://www.cob.ohio-state.edu/dept/fin/osudata.htm links to financial data http://www.gourmetworld.com/ Gourmet World - fine dining http://www.rose.org/ Rose gardens :-) http://www.internic.net/tools/ choose the appropriate search engine http://www.adobe.com/acrobat/3beta/main.html Acrobat reader beta http://bohr.physica.perdue.edu/~jswhite/dance_links.html Dancing stuff http://www.wri.org/wri/wr-96-97/index.html World Resource Institute http://www.clearlight.com/~vivi/xw/gallery.html Java crossword puzzles http://www.ceweekly.wa.com/helpful/grw.html tips on resumes http://jobsmart.org/tools/resume more tips on resumes http://www.ru.ac.za/iCue/Cafe.htm Grahamstown Festival of the Arts http://pathfinder.com/thrive/ Thrive - healthy living http://pathfinder.com/cl/ Cooking Light - healthy eating =========================================================================== 12. Recipes Nut and Vegetable Loaf Serves 4 15g polyunsaturated margarine 1 small onion, peeled and chopped 1 small carrot, scraped and chopped 1 celery stalk, trimmed and chopped 2 teaspoons tomato pure‚ 225g tomatoes, skinned and chopped 2 eggs 1 teaspoon dried thyme salt and freshly ground black pepper to taste 100g nuts, chopped or minced Garnish: onion rings, chopped parsley Grease a 450g loaf tin and preheat oven to 220C. Melt margarine (presumably in frying pan), and gently fry onion, carrot and celery until soft, then add tomato pure‚ and tomatoes and cook for 5 minutes. Put eggs in a bowl with the thyme. Add salt and pepper and beat well. Stir in the nuts and then the vegetable mixture, and transfer to loaf tin. Bake in th eoven for 25 - 30 minutes. Turn out and garnish with onion rings and parsley. =========================================================================== 13. Things to Think About If God is all-powerful, why did he need 6 days to make everything? =========================================================================== Sections marked with a '$' are original and CopyLeft 1996 by Ian Douglas. See Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged" for explanation of the '$'. The rest is part direct lift from various Net sources, and part paraphrased or directly lifted from various print media. Permission to reproduce is granted as long as source is credited. Back issues available on my web site. To subscribe, send me email. Distribution: F13 is distributed with Rob Fisher's RobList, the List of all South African BBS's, which can be found on all decent SA BBS's, where it is downloaded by hundreds (thousands?) of surfers. RobList can also be found on http://www.lia.co.za F13 is also available as a read-only mailing list on the Internet, with over 230 subscribers in 27 countries at the moment. Current countries represented are: Australia, Brazil, Canada, China, Denmark, France, Germany, Hong Kong, India, Ireland, Italy, Latvia, Lithuania, Malaysia, Mexico, Netherlands, Norway, Portugal, South Africa, South Korea, Sweden, Switzerland, Singapore, Russia, UK, United Arab Emirates, USA. -------------------------------------------------------------------- iandoug@lia.co.za P.O. Box 484, Sanlamhof 7532, South Africa 36 : 1,73 : 58 : blue : dark brown PGP key available http://www.lia.co.za/users/iandoug Proudly iN*T*j.