F13 *** Compiled, edited & written by Ian Douglas Issue #10: June 1996 iandoug@lia.co.za http://www.lia.co.za/users/iandoug/ $ Introduction: A big welcome to all the new subscribers. Sorry I did not welcome you all personally, but consider yourselves welcomed :-). The listserv is set up and hopefully working (Thanks! Rob..) Warning: some of the stuff in this issue is somewhat X-rated, so skip it if it offends you... The month got off to a lousy start with Nadia biting my head off on 1 May. Mayday is a public holiday in South Africa (what else did you expect in a socialist country? :-) ). I sometimes think that public holidays should be renamed public shopping days, since that is what they are used for... Since Miss N never accepted my invitation last month to accompany me to an exhibition, I went to visit Lydia instead, who was rather glad to see me. We went to the exhibition, and generally had a good time. That recharged my batteries and cheered me up :-) Next day I wanted to ask the Empress's sister something, but she saw me coming and ran away. Very depressing :-(. Made me feel really great about myself and life in general... Next weekend I almost walked into Empress's OTHER sister, and at least got a smile from her. That's the one who doesn't particularly like me.. Am still avoiding the Empress (mostly) and longing for her... Not much else happened. Keep bumping into Nadia at work, at times and places where she is not supposed to be. Really weird. Almost as if the gods are trying to tell me something :-). Still glaring at me, Ian either glares back or pretends to ignore her. Now she is also pretending to ignore me, while smiling broadly. If she had been the Empress, I would have had serious accusations of stalking laid against me by now - absolutely groundless, of course. Lydia has been really friendly lately, and is helping me move. I am writing this inbetween packing and moving from a dingy 1-bedroomed flat to a dingy 2-bedroomed flat - really going up in the world :-) I think this was the first month that F13 received international fan mail, and all of it from females :-) Lots of thanks to the following people for their kind messages (hope I didn't miss anyone): Nathally Liedeman, Deborah DeStefano, Glenna Mileson, Shanna Kamin, Margaret Kukuc, Christof van der Merwe. From: Nathally Liedeman I like your sense of humour. From: Deborah DeStefano It was great to read your email newsletter. Here I am in Los Angeles, California, bitching about the taxes and the rising cost of gasoline (up 40 cents per gallon in 2 months) and here you are with news from the other side of the planet with the same crap. Really nice to hear about the latest news that we are never exposed to, unless of course is is a heavily censored biased account. I hope you plan on keeping us well informed over here. A real pleasure to have discovered your Castle. [$ my web site] From: Glenna Mileson Well......if you're going to quote my favorite book (Atlas Shrugged) and feature a character clutching another of my favorite books (Of Human Bondage) all in one issue....I just might have to start reading more of your stuff. From: Shanna Kamin Thanks for the great issue of F13! I especially loved the story, "The Test," but the one hole in it my SO found is that here in New York City, (where the story takes place and we live as well) that older woman would have probably *never* helped a stranger! I'm looking forward to the next issue! From: Margaret Kukuc Hello Ian. I'm a somewhat new subscriber. I've only received a few of your magazines. [$ change of address cut] Had to let you know right away because I wouldn't want to miss your next magazine. I subscribe to many humor mailing lists, but yours surpasses the others by far. You truly make my day. From: Christof van der Merwe Hi Ian Douglas. I got your November 1995 Roblist and it was wonderful especially your jokes (the one of O.J.Simpson). Keep up your good work! I also had an Unsubribe message from a "non-radical" Jew who took offence at last month's report on Marlon Brando's tussles with the Jews in Hollywood. "All honor's wounds are self-inflicted." - Andrew Carnegie I also received some hate mail from the underground... quite amazing what some people will do just to get their letters published in F13 :-) From: HitSquad (via anon.penet.fi) Subject: U Foool U PH00l u have no idea what the underground will d0 next. so beware and watch out for my arj and pkzip trojans. they really kill the hard disk HaHaHaHa HitSquad Sad to say, he seems to be South African :-( CONTENTS: ~~~~~~~~~ 1. Quotations 2. How To Play Games 3. Computer Security 4. Interesting Stuff 5. The Farsian Chronicles 6. Motivational / Inspirational 7. Science / Technology 8. Advertising / The Media 9. Health 10. Humour 11. NetNews 12. Recipes 13. Things to Think About =========================================================================== 1. Quotations "If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done." anon "To communicate with my mistress." radio interviewee, as to why he bought a cellphone. "Digging did not produce anything concrete." report on excavations under the (concrete) floor at the house of paedophile Gert van Rooyen. (Police are looking for the bodies of six missing girls) "We [the ANC government] are responsible for crime in the country." President Mandela (and a classic case of double entendre) "War therefore is an act of violence to compel our opponent to fulfil our will." Carl von Clausewitz "On War" "I think contraception is disgusting -- people using each other for pleasure." Joseph Scheidler, Director, Pro-Life Action League "Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you." Ralph Waldo Emerson "An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last." Winston Churchill "The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it." Abbie Hoffman "Accepted authority rests first of all on reason. If you ordered your people to throw themselves into the sea, they would rise up in revolution. I have the right to require obedience because my orders are reasonable." The King in "The Little Prince," by Antoine de Saint-Exupery "Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years." from Richard Bach's "Illusions" "It's easier to be terrified by an enemy you admire." from "Dune," by Frank Herbert [$ We will return to Francisco's discourse on money next month. Ian is moving and the book is packed away...] Francisco d'Anconia in Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged" $ One market intervention leads to another. =========================================================================== $ 2. How To Play Games Rule 16: The good players get all the luck Gary Player once said, "The more I practice, the luckier I get." [I have started to expand this thought twice, and twice deleted what I wrote. So the rule will have to stand on its own...] Actually they don't get all the luck - it just looks like it. By being experienced, they are able to spot opportunities that lesser players miss, and that helps them to do even better. Rule 17: Don't play if you don't like the game Many people attempt to master games that they do not really like. This includes games like your job, or certain subjects at school or varsity. Doing that is guaranteed to frustrate you and make you unhappy and unfulfilled. Such players tend to take their frustration out on the game machine by hitting it, kicking it, swearing, etc. So silly. Others take their frustration with the job out on the wife, kids, or cat when they get home. So silly. Don't play the game if you don't like it. You will never do well at it anyway... Find a game you ENJOY. You are here to have fun :-) ============================================================================ $ 3. Computer Security The USA has announced sanctions against China for continuing to allow the widespread piracy of computer CD-ROM's and music CD's. China threatened retaliation and then relented. The South African Law Commission has asked for submissions in drawing up a proposed law for computer crime. Topics include computer hacking (cracking), corporate snooping and other computer-related fraud. (what, no viruses and trojans? ??) According to Interpol, SA is fifth hardest hit world-wide by computer-related crime, although only 5,3% of these are reported to police. [$ so where do they get the figures from?] The Rules board is considering allowing faxes and computer printouts as admissible evidence in court cases. Researchers at CRL in England have found a way to 'watermark' audio, still, and moving pictures. The techniques can be used to prove ownership of an audio-visual work, and in copyright protection to deter piracy. Mitch Dove of Gas Software, reports the following virus infections: Johannesburg WINWORD.CONCEPT ( Epidemic level ), STONED.ANGELINA, BENOT, ANTI-CMOS, EXEBUG.A, EXEBUG.HOOKER, SAMPO, FORM.A, STONED.STANDARD, ONE-HALF, DIE-HARD.4000, UNASHAMED, RUSSIAN-FLAG Midrand F-YOU Cape Town RUSSIAN-FLAG Durban TAI-PAN.666 Transkei TENTACLE Mozambique SVC Zambia LITTLE RED Zimbabwe UNASHAMED, RUSSIAN-FLAG Mitch writes further: The WinWord.Concept virus has been report throughout the country, due to it's nature it spreads very fast and normally goes undetected until either Word problems develop or an Anti-Virus product picks it up. We have utilities that will remove, not only the offending macro's but the virus string from the document. Our version 2.23 will incorporate the disinfection routine into the scanners. Simply removing the Macro's is not a complete disinfection as it was first thought, the document structure has to be cleaned up as well, if one uses a DOS based editor, one can see the virus strings present in an infected document, even after the macro's have been removed. If anyone is having a problem with this virus visit our Web Page at http://www.gas.co.za/gassoft" A big thank-you to Mitch for his monthly inputs :-) ============================================================================ 4. Interesting Stuff An ex-policeman received 30 years jail for killing his grandmother with a knife and fork. Real names: Boy George George O'Dowd Tina Turner Annie Mae Bullock John Denver Henry Deutschendorf Bob Dylan Robert Zimmerman David Bowie David Jones Ringo Starr Richard Starkey Cape Town had its wedding of the year, when the eldest daughter of a wealthy Moslem businessman got married. There were 5000 guests, and the wedding was estimated to have cost around 1MR (one million Rand). On their wedding days, Moslem brides tradionally get some advice from mommy, in the form of "Wasiyat". This text includes the following "advice": Be obedient to your husband and pay heed to whatever he says for this will bring the Mercy of Allah. Be prepared for him at mealtimes for the heat of hunger is inflammable. And remember, My Beloved Daughter, that you will attain all this only if you give preference to his likes over yours and his desires above yours in all things you like and dislike. [$ Wonder what the Queen of the Desert has to say about this... :-) ] In 1940, the list of most serious disciplinary problems in American schools comprised: talking out of turn chewing gum making a noise running in hallways queue-jumping ignoring the dress code littering. In 1990, the list was: drug abuse alcohol abuse sexual behaviour (attempted) suicide rape and sexual assault robbery and theft physical assualt In Japan, the average entrepreneur only gets it right after opening his sixth or seventh business. Try and try again.. :-) Only in America:... Texas - A recently passed anti-crime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed... - In Lefors, it is illegal to take more than three swallows of beer at any time while standing... - In San Antonio, it is illegal for both sexes to flirt or respond to flirtation using the eyes and/or hands.... Florida - Unmarried women who parachute on Sundays may be jailed.... - In Saratoga, it is illegal to sing while wearing a bathing suit... Nevada - It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway... - In Eureka, men who wear mustaches are forbidden from kissing women... California - In L.A. a man can legally beat his wife with a leather strap, as long as it is less than two inches wide, or she gives him permission to use a wider strap..... - It is illegal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license.... Michigan - A state law stipulates that a woman's hair legally belongs to her husband.... Arkansas - A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month... - Flirtation between the members of the opposite sex on the streets of Little Rock may result in a 30-day jail term.... Utah - Birds have the right of way on all highways... - A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence... Baltimore - In Halethrope, it is illegal to kiss for more than one second... - It is illegal to mistreat oysters.... - In Baltimore it is illegal to wash or scrub sinks, no matter how dirty they get.... Tennessee - It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish... - In Dyersburg, it is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date... Colorado - In Logan County, it is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep.... Rhode Island - In Province it is illegal to sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer on a Sunday.... - In Newport, it is illegal to smoke a pipe after sunset.... Oklahoma - Whale hunting is strictly forbidden throughout the entire state... - In Tulsa, kisses lasting more than three minutes are forbidden... Massachusetts - In Salem, even married couples are forbidden from sleeping in the nude in rented rooms... - In Boston it is illegal to take a bath unless one has been ordered by a physician to do so.... - In 1659, the State outlawed Christmas... ============================================================================ $ 5. The Farsian Chronicles Seems election mania has swept the world. We are having local elections here in Cape Town today (29th). Only had to stand in a queue for about 30 minutes this time (as opposed to the national elections in 1994 when I stood for 2 hours). It was a very sedate affair - no music or festivities, as in previous local elections. Some candidates were wandering around, sans party colours, and with just a pink badge saying "candidate". THAT made a change from the past, when voters were pestered by party officials trying last-minute vote-grabbing tactics, and trying to determine the outcome in advance as well. The 'voter education' side was particularly badly done. I found out about three weeks before the election (by accident) that we would have THREE votes. Some voters in our third-world areas only found that out when they came to vote, whereupon they were thoroughly confused. The matter was complicated even more by the low levels of literacy amongst some of those voters. According to news reports, they were voting for the party logos that they recognised, rather than having any idea of what the parties actually stood for. Ah... democracy in action... Only had one party canvasser come and visit me. She was from the National Party (who were responsible for getting SA into the mess it is in, before the ANC came and made it worse), and she tried the line "So, are you still NP?" on me. That is called an Assumptive Close, and it is one of the techniques that gives salesmen bad reputations. I suggested that she go away. The National Party had the strangest propaganda pamphlets of all - they did not tell us what they would do if they won, but said we should vote for them anyway or else the ANC would win. At least the independants and smaller parties had the decency to tell us their platform. The white-right-wing party, The Freedom Front, was represented by a candidate called De Swardt, which is Afrikaans/Dutch and means literally "The Black." The South African Broadcasting Corporation, our national broadcaster, and previously known as His Master's Voice due to the amount of NP propaganda that it broadcast, was being obedient to its NEW masters, the ANC. The amount of pro-ANC and anti-NP stuff broadcast was quite amazing. Not really so blatant, but if you read between the lines (watch between the frames?) of the TV news reports it was very biased. Two days before the election, they had a special report in Sunday evening prime time, about how the evil, racist Afrikaners had hunted the poor Bushmen down and basically driven the few survivors into the desert. That is true. It is also only half the story - the Bushmen went into the desert, and not into our fertile eastern half of the country, because the Blacks were in the eastern half, and they were also enemies of the Bushmen. Broadcasting such propaganda two days before the election, where both ANC and NP were competing for the Coloured vote, is pretty low. The Coloureds are descended from the Bushmen (amongst other sources). And we are expected to pay licence fees for such programming. On the lighter side, Nando's Chicken (which the Queen of the Desert SWEARS is the best chicken on earth) jumped into the spirit of things and stuck up their own election posters. Sample slogans: "Simply the breast - Nando's Chicken" "Vote for the left wing and the right wing" "Feed the hungry - Nando's Chicken" "No fowl play" "All parties welcome - Nando's Chicken" According to news reports, ANC supporters now have begun singing ANC praise songs to small statues of Nelson Mandela. I guess my quip last month about him being "a close relative of God" was a little off. He IS a god... Up the road in Israel, they are also voting today. There we have the strange demonstration of "my enemy's enemy is my friend" - radical Moslems and radical Jews both oppose the peace process, and find themselves as allies against the middle-of-the-road people in Israel. Over in India, only about 40 people were killed in election-related violence. This is low by Indian election standards, where some candidates find it easier to kill their opponent than beat him in the polls. We have a similar mentality here in our Kwazulu-Natal province. In India, police took precautions by arresting 200 000 troublemakers before the election started. The "Bandit Queen" got elected to parliament. Judging by her history, she may even end up as prime minister one day. A remarkable woman. South Africa finally has a new consitution, after 18 months of writing, and intense 11th hour (literally 11pm) negotiations. The Rand crashed the same day, as well as the stock exchange. The next day, the NP withdrew from the Government of National Unity, whereupon the stock exchange crashed further - down 4% in two days. Our Rand is now worth less than half of what it was worth when it crashed after P.W. Botha's famous "Rubicon Speech." A few days earlier, a group of Christians had marched to parliament, demanding that we not have a secular state. They claimed that secular states had killed 140 million of their citizens this century alone. Love to know where they sucked that figure from... Guess they forgot that Christian states gave us apartheid, the crusades, the inquisition, the conquest of the Aztecs, Nazis, witchcraft trials, ... Some days later some other Christians had a peaceful march to parliament, where they ended up singing hymns to an ANC (communist) minister. He joined in. Later that day, some Moslems had a march to the Israeli embassy. The event turned violent, and police got stoned. Several people were injured, and Israeli flags burned. Over 120 people have now been murdered in witchcraft-related killings in our Northern province this year. The provicial Council of Churches is to take action about it. I should hope so - it is their preaching that is responsible for the deaths. The provincial government does not seem to care, and is not doing anything about the situation. Cape Town's Prostitute Serial Killer now has 19 deaths blamed on him. Or her. Mmm.. wonder if police have thought that the killer may be female... Interest rates in SA went up twice in one month - credit cards now charge 28%, while home loans are around 20.25%. These are the highest real (nominal minus inflation) interest rates ever. In response, Mandela hopped over to Germany to beg for some more money. We had widespread student unrest on several campuses (campusi?) around the country. Their demands are generally unreasonable, as the following 'extensions' demonstrate: According to "Student Logic," we can now expect students to: * Demand that supermarkets negotiate with them before raising prices * Condemn parents as not being democratically elected, and call for their removal * Complain to government that victims of violence are actually resorting to violence to protect themselves, which any moron can see is unfair. Finally, Islamic radicals in Algeria killed seven French monks because the French government would not do what the radicals demanded. Nice people. Take your frustrations out on innocent civilians... =========================================================================== 6. Motivational / Inspirational Often I have found the the one thing that can save is the thing which appears most to threaten. One has to go down into what one most fears and in the process ... comes a saving flicker of light and energy that, even if it does not produce the courage of a hero, at any rate enables a trembling mortal to take one step further. - Laurens Van Der Post The true test of character is ... how we behave when we don't know what to do. - Daniel Boorstin Fear is a darkroom for developing negatives. The best way to escape from a problem is to solve it. For those who have fought for it, life has a flavor that the protected will never know. - Anonymous, Written on a bunker wall at Khe Sanh, South Vietnam Trouble Tree Author: Unknown The carpenter I hired to help me restore an old farmhouse had just finished a rough first day on the job. A flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric saw quit, and now his ancient pickup truck refused to start. While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence. On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands. After opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation. His tanned face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss. Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier. "Oh, that's my trouble tree," he replied. "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing for sure, troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home. Then in the morning I pick them up again." "Funny thing is," he smiled, "when I come out in the morning to pick 'em up, there ain't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before." TONE OF VOICE It's not so much what you say As the manner in which you say it; It's not so much the language you use As the tone in which you convey it. "Come here!" I sharply said, And the child cowered and wept. "Come here," I said -- He looked and smiled And straight to my lap he crept. Words may be mild and fair But the tone may pierce like a dart; Works may be soft as the summer air But the tone may break my heart; For words come from the mind Grow by study and art -- But tone leaps from the inner self, Revealing the state of the heart. Whether you know it or not, Whether you mean or care, Gentleness, kindness, love and hate, Envy, anger, are there. Then, would you quarrels avoid And peace and love rejoice? Keep anger not only out of your words -- Keep it out of your voice. - (author unknown) =========================================================================== 7. Science / Technology Otis Elevator has been in SA for 100 years this year. Take a moment to ponder the changes that the elevator has brought to the whole fabric of society - from high-rise skyscrapers to mines going more than a mile underground to skyrocketing real estate values to changing the skyline in a way no other civilisation ever did. Industry watchers expect Intel to release samples of its new P7 processor later this year, well ahead of schedule. The 64-bit processor is expected to run twice as fast as the 200MHz Pentium Pro. Standard Bank has launched new touch-screen banking terminals, allowing customers access to audio and video presentations, as well as applying for bank products. While the price of 4X CD-ROM drives continue to crash (except here in SA), manufacturers are already talking about 10X, 12X and 16X speed drives. Consumers wish they would make up their minds where they are going to stop... Invented in: 1918: electric toaster 1851: deep freeze 1882: electric fan 1877: record player 1846: sewing machine 1901: washing machine 1882: electric iron 1927: television 1889: dishwasher Dai Nippon Printing Company in Japan have a new image-capturing scheme, based on a new material called Elgraphy. It boasts a resolution of more than 20 million pixels per frame. This is more than three times better than CCD (used in video cameras etc), and even better than silver halide, used in conventional film. =========================================================================== $ 8. Advertising / The Media New words heard on the electronic media, from journalists and newsreaders: on SAfm (mostly on AM Live) Probable meaning bland eye blind eye Uropian European on TV3 (8pm news) / Focus had heard tackle tickle hut breaking heart beaking shot short buggening bargaining sin scene media mid-year This month's prize for the best movie poster is awarded to Citizen X. Nissan has made a change from their usual boring TV ads, and are now using computer-assisted graphics to good effect. Their "dancing dog" is very entertaining, but fails to tell the viewer much about the car, and certainly does not make me want to rush out and buy a Nissan. However, their ad against non-Nissan parts is a brilliant example of computer animation and gets the point across cleanly. The ad which wins this month's prize for "most irritating" is First National Bank's home load ad, with the newlyweds crammed into a tiny bath. Look carefully: it is almost impossible to get past the bath to the toilet and washbasin on the other side. We have to put with this ad until August :-((. We now have radio ads flogging Joie de Vivre, the classic fragrance from France - in an American accent... Caltex's Techron/Grand Prix adverts feature billboards for both Agip oil and Mobil. Heads will roll.... :-) The UK is currently experiencing a baked bean war. One retailer is now GIVING their product away, as well as paying the customer a few pence for the effort involved in taking the tin off the shelf. =========================================================================== 9. Health The fastest growing group of HIV-positive people in the USA are girls aged 13 to 19. Ten percent of pregnant women visiting ante-natal clinics here in SA are HIV-positive. Government estimates that 1.8 million people in SA are infected with the virus. The Government has decided to issue prisoners with free condoms. That means they are condoning homosexual rape. Homosexuality used to be a crime in SA, not sure if those laws have been removed from the books yet. Our new consitution forbids discrimination on grounds of sexual preference. They are also to end the seperation of HIV-positive prisoners, and allow them to share cells with other prisoners. This is to reduce the 'stigma' attached to them having been seperated. Guess they are forgetting that condoms are only 90% effective in heterosexual intercourse, and even less in homosexual intercourse. Hope they are using the super-strong variety... Tampax has finally decided to copy nature's excellent design, and is now making tampons in the shape of a penis. Except they don't descibe it as such, but it is :-). Kinda obvious when you think about it :-) So far, 1727 AIDS cases have been submitted to insurance companies in SA. There was a 22% increase in the last six months. There are now more married claimants than single claimants. =========================================================================== 10. Humour A desperate young mother had two incorrigible boys. Having exhausted all suggestions for controlling the little hellions, she tried one last approach: she took them to the meanest preacher in town for a lecture. First the older boy was admitted into the stern minister's study. Glaring at the boy from behind the desk, the preacher waited a few moments, then challenged the boy: "Young man, where is God?" The boy was stunned to silence. The preacher rose part way out of his chair and repeated the question: "I asked you, Where Is God?" The boy began to quake with dread -- this was no ordinary lecture for being bad! Stepping around from behind the desk, the impassioned preacher now shouted his question, "WHERE IS GOD!?" At this, the boy leaped from his chair and bolted out the door, running headlong into his little brother. "What's wrong? What's the matter?" his brother asked. "It's awful! The church has LOST GOD and they're BLAMING US!" A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do *anything* to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...*anything*." He returns her gaze. "Anything?" "*Anything*." His voice softens. "*Anything*??" "*Anything*." His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...*study*?" [$ for the Queen of the Desert] 1. The only problem with women is men. 2. Women like the simpler things in life - like men. 3. Boys will be boys, but one day, all girls will be women. 4. When a woman makes a fool of a man, it's usually an improvement. 5. Most men prefer looks to brains, because most men see better than they think. 6. I only wanted to have a child not marry one. 7. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing then marry him. 8. Q. What's the difference between men and pigs? A. Pigs don't turn into men when they drink. 9. The average man is proof enough that women can take a joke. 10. Boys will be boys - but men are better at it. 11. Q. What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brain? A. A widower. 12. They put one man on the moon, why can't they put them all there? 13. Q. What's an orgasm mum? A. I don't know luv, ask your father. 14. If you catch a man, throw him back. 15. Q. What do you call 500 men at the bottom of the sea? A. A good start! 16. Men call us birds, is that because of all the worms we pick up? 17. Every man has it in his power to make one woman happy - by remaining a bachelor! [$ Bill Gates wife had a daughter] For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something from Microsoft shipped on time: Jennifer Katharine Gates, weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces when she was downloaded, er, born on Friday, April 26 at 6:11 p.m. And what do Baby Gates and Daddy's products have in common? 1. Neither can stand on its own two feet without a LOT of third party support. 2. Both barf all over themselves _regularly_. 3. Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft Tech Support won't help. 4. As they mature, we pray that they will be better than that which preceeded them. 5. At first release they're relatively compact, but they seem to grow and grow and grow with each passing year. 6. Although announced with great fanfare, pretty much anyone could have produced one. 7. They arrive in shaky condition with inadequate documentation. 8. No matter what, it takes several months between the announcement and the actual release. 9. Bill gets the credit, but someone else did most of the work. Where do women have curly hair ??? - In Africa ! A young man joins the foreign legion, and is posted deep in the heart of Africa, surrounded by desert. After a few months with no female contact, he visits his commander to explain: "I haven't had sex for ages - can you help me?" "Well," says the commander, "You can borrow my camel any time you like." The man declined, not wishing to seem that desperate. Six months past, and the man became incresingly frustrated. He went to the commander as before, but got the same reply: "The offer of my camel is still there." A year went by, and the poor man could stand it no longer. He went to the commander for one more time, his hands shaking; "It's no use - I haven't had sex for a year. I must use your camel." The commander agrees, and the man takes the animal around the back of the compound and relieves his frustrations. On returning, the man thanks the commander who says - "Anytime young man; It's much quicker to the local brothel by camel, isn't it?!" Frequently asked questions about safe fax... 1. Do I have to be married to have safe fax? - Although married people fax quite often, there are many people who fax complete strangers every day. 2. My parents say they never had fax when they were young, and had to write letters to each other untill they were 21. How old do you think someone should be before they fax? - You can fax at any age once you learn the correct procedure. 3. If I fax something to myself will I go blind? - Certainly not as far as I can see. 4. There is a place on our street where you can pay to fax, is this legal? - Yes, many people have no outher outlet for their fax drives and they must pay a professional when the need becomes too great. 5. Should a cover always be used? - Not if you are sure about who you are faxing 6. I have a personal fax and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed? - Being bifaxual can be confusing. But as along as you use a cover you won't transmit anything you are not supposed to. =========================================================================== 11. NetNews IBM has released ports of Java to OS/2 and AIX, and is nearly done with the Win3.1 version as well (Microsoft was not able to do it). Oracle finally released demos of their new Network Computer, and have lined up an impressive list of companies who will support the standard. The notable execption was Microsoft. Apple, IBM, Sun, and a host of others do support the standards. Netscape has 84% of the browser market. Microsoft is a distant second with a 7% share. Forty percent of all Netscape users are using version 2.0 or later. $ Resources: http://www.sanlam.co.za Sanlam's new-look site http://ncc.hursley.ibm.com/javainfo IBM's Java page, ports, etc http://www.pcwin.com Win95 utilities etc. http://www.webactive.com "Progressive" politics http://www.golfonline.com Golf Magazine http://www.fitzgerald.com CyberR@g - inside computer industry http://www.worlds.net AlphaWorld virtual world http://pathfinder.com/people/960422/photogallery Pics of celebrities http://pathfinder.com/Life/ Life magazine http://www.acdcon.com/ E-Publisher (for web sites) http://pathfinder.com/Travel/easymystery/index.html Mystery game http://www.constitution.org.za new SA constitution http://www.pitt.edu/HOME/GHNet/GHNet.html Global Health Network http://www.nejm.org/ New England Journal of Medicine http://www.forbes.com/asap/gilder/telecosm.htm Gilder's Telecosm book http://www.tonys.org Tony awards http://www.iguide.com/movies/movietone/week.htm old newsreels http://www.yahoo.com/search/people/ Search for people on the net http://maps.yahoo.com/yahoo/ online maps http://www.cato.org/ Cato Institute think tank http://star.hsrc.ac.za/sa_views.html nice pictures of Cape Town and SA http://www.newshare.com:9999/reporter.html Online newspaper http://www.infoadvn.com/wordart/ GIFs of quotes, for printing =========================================================================== 12. Recipes $ Purple Pasta About 75-80g pasta per person salt and pepper to taste chicken stock teaspoon vegetable oil red food colouring blue food colouring Herbs to taste (eg parsley, origanum, etc) Put sufficient water into an pot (according to instructions on pasta). Add salt, pepper, chicken stock (according to amount of water), oil, herbes, and a few drops of each food colouring. Bring water to the boil, and stir all the stuff in. Add the pasta, and cook as long as necessary, until al dente. Usually around 10-12 minutes, unless you are using instant noodles. Drain and rinse, and serve with whatever else you are eating. If you don't like purple :-), try plain yellow or green instead. =========================================================================== 13. Things to Think About How old do you want to be when you die? Ian is working on a new Unified Theory of Women.. :-) as follows: Women are only interested in three things about men: 1) the size of his bank account, in the mistaken belief that he will spend it all on her and her offspring, and none on his mistress, gambling, or big boys toys. 2) the size of his penis, in the mistaken belief that bigger is better, and that he will use it to satisfy only her, and not his mistress or boyfriend. 3) the size of his ego, in the mistaken belief that he must have a good reason why he thinks so much of himself. Comments welcome :-) [ducks incoming missiles from Persian Gulf, USA, and possibly Miss N...] =========================================================================== Sections marked with a '$' are original and CopyLeft 1996 by Ian Douglas. See Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged" for explanation of the '$'. The rest is part direct lift from various Net sources, and part paraphrased or directly lifted from various print media. Permission to reproduce is granted as long as source is credited. Back issues available on my web site. To subscribe, send me email. Distribution: F13 is distributed with Rob Fisher's RobList, the List of all South African BBS's, which can be found on all decent SA BBS's, where it is downloaded by hundreds (thousands?) of surfers. RobList can also be found on http://www.lia.co.za F13 is also available as a read-only mailing list on the Internet, with over 225 subscribers in 27 countries at the moment. Current countries represented are: Australia, Brazil, Canada, China, Denmark, France, Germany, Hong Kong, India, Ireland, Italy, Latvia, Lithuania, Malaysia, Mexico, Netherlands, Norway, Portugal, South Africa, South Korea, Sweden, Switzerland, Singapore, Russia, UK, United Arab Emirates, USA.