F13 **** Compiled, edited & written by Ian Douglas Issue #9: May 1996 iandoug@lia.co.za http://www.lia.co.za/users/iandoug/ $ Introduction: A big welcome to all the new subscribers. Sorry I did not welcome you all personally, but consider yourselves welcomed :-). I am busy configuring a listserv to automate things... (still) Following last months change to the Farsian Chronicles section, I am still trying to internationalise the Advertising and Media section. Um, should I or shouldn't I... I promised to drop this section last month, but some people like it, so here is the mini version - not too much angst :-) I dropped off last month's edition at the Empress's (Hmmm too many s's?) part time job, and sat outside waiting for her to arrive, to get one last good look at her face. Intuition was screaming to sit facing the other way, but stubbornly insisted on facing the direction she usually came from. Too bad. Last view of her was of a very cute derriere, in short pants, walking past... . Still long for her .. In the mean time, Veronica phoned just to say Hi and to tell me about her new (male) Greek friend. Glad she is still OK. Have not heard from Lydia after selling her my old vacuum cleaner on credit. Got a real pleasant surprise at work the other day. Nadia, who used to work in the same Centre as the Empress, is now working at my company. Did a real double take first time I ever saw her, and thought "now why didn't I see you before I fell for the Empress..". She knows I like her, and watches me while at the same time avoiding me eyes. Not sure what to make of that :-) Was travelling up the escalator in above shopping centre when suddenly my head jerks left, and there, 50m away, is the Empress, watching me. And people say that ESP does not exist... :-) Was on my way out of the building to our company's stand at a consumer exhibition, mind far away and terribly occupied, when all I see in front of me is LEG - this girl walking towards me in a long maxi dress that was slit or opened almost all the way up.. My eyes were still popping out and I'm thinking "Geez, who the heck is SO brave" when I look up and couldn't believe it when I see it is Ms N, whom I was horribly cracked over two and a half years ago. A radical departure from her usual dress style... Even odder, she is smiling broadly at me (brilliant pun, that...). So I smile back (am always glad to see her anyway) and tell her she looks very sexy.. As a reward for my work on the exhibition, I end up with 2 complimentary tickets, and decide to invite Ms N to accompany me. (Isn't internal email wonderful?). Still no answer. Guess she doesn't want to hurt my feelings by saying no. She IS actually the nicest person I have ever met. Lots of thanks to the following people for their kind fan mail (hope I didn't miss anyone): Mirko Malisan, Andrew Kempe, Paul Stemmet, Jacques Marneweck, Hannes van Rensburg, Dawid Greyvenstein, Albert Strasheim. From: Mirko Malisan Great zine this month, the humour section is hilarious. From: Andrew Kempe Thanks for a most enjoyable, and hilarious, monthly F13! From: Paul Stemmet Just writing to let you know that your mag is one of the best mag's I have ever read. (Can't believe you only get 22 hits a day). [$ about 2.2, actually] Sorry to see that the romance part of the mag is ending. It sounded like my life story. (Except that my epic love story is still continuing). Oh, bye the way... Be glad that you never got the chance to meet to goddess or know her name. This only makes it harder to to stop everything. But hell, as you said life continues.... Be waiting for your next F13 bye... From: Jacques Marneweck Hi Ian. I've enjoyed last month's F13! Keep up the Good work. I'm looking forward to reading this months! I've now put a copy of F13 on our mailserver for people who are interested in reading it! Good luck with F13. From: Hannes van Rensburg [$ after a visit to my web site, and last month's F13] Excellent stuff! - I am proud to know you in real life. P.S. Wills is a cigarette in other parts of the world, where they also play cricket. From: Dawid Greyvenstein I'm glad to finally read some stuff with great humour. I think your e-mag is the best thing since internet :) Please put me on your mailing list. From: Albert Strasheim Hello Ian! (favourite ezine person in all of the world) Well what can i say?! NICE EZINE :) hahahahaha yes pleaz add me to your mailing list, it really makes me sad and unhappy when i cant find a copy of roblist so i can read THE EZINE in all the world :) so hereby i officialy subsribe, thank you. ps. sorry to here about the Empress or is that the Princess :) good luck in your fem-xcel quest :) happy social life... ... Guns don't kill people... death does. CONTENTS: ~~~~~~~~~ 1. Quotations 2. How To Play Games 3. Computer Security 4. Interesting Stuff 5. The Farsian Chronicles 6. Motivational / Inspirational 7. Science / Technology 8. Advertising / The Media 9. Health 10. Humour 11. NetNews 12. Recipes 13. Things to Think About =========================================================================== 1. Quotations "If triangles had a God, he would have 3 sides." Montesquieu "Before you put on a frown, make absolutely sure there are no smiles available." Jim Beggs "War spares not the brave, but the cowardly." anon "It is our duty as men and women to proceed as though the limits of our abilities do not exist." Pierre Teilhard de Chardin "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear." Ambrose Redmoon "Work to become, not to acquire." Elbert Hubbard "If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it." anon "All men can see these tactics whereby I conquer, but what none can see is the strategy out of which victory is evolved." Sun-tzu, The Art of War "Ignorant people think it's the noise which fighting cats make that is aggravating, but it ain't so; it's the sickening grammar they use." Mark Twain The first of them was inhabited by a king. Clad in royal purple and ermine, he was seated upon a throne which was at the same time both simple and majestic. "Ah! Here is a subject," exclaimed the king, when he saw the little prince coming. And the little prince asked himself: "How could he recognise me when he had never seen me before?" He did not know how the world is simplified for kings. To them, all men are subjects. from "The Little Prince," by Antoine de Saint-Exup‚ry Jonathan sighed. The price of being misunderstood, he thought. They called you devil or they call you god. from Richard Bach's "Jonathan Livingstone Seagull" "I see us giving love to each other in a time of quiet between storms. It's what we were meant to do." Chani, Paul's wife, in "Dune," by Frank Herbert [$ We return to Francisco's discourse on money.] "But you say that money is made by the strong at the expense of the weak? What strength do you mean? It is not the strength of guns or muscles. Wealth is the product of man's capacity to think. Then is money made by the man who invents a motor at the expense of those who did not invent it? Is money made by the intelligent at the expense of the fools? By the able at the expense of the incompetent? By the ambitious at the expense of the lazy? Money is _made_ - before it can be looted or mooched - made by the effort of every honest man, each to the extent of his ability. An honest man is one who knows that he can't consume more than he has produced." Francisco d'Anconia in Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged" =========================================================================== $ 2. How To Play Games Rule 14: The aim of the game is to win There is a quote from Vince Lombardi along the lines of "winning isn't everything, its the only thing," and another like "if winning is not important, why do they keep score?" Many people play games, including the game of life, without first having clarity in their mind as to what constitutes winning in that particular game. This varies from person to person and game to game, depending on your own unique situation. You will never be able to play properly, or do well, if you don't first decide what your targets and goals are. Rule 15: You have to push the right buttons to make progress :-) Every game or situation responds to inputs from you. But they have to be the right inputs at the right time. Give the wrong inputs, and the game will at best laugh at you and at worst kill you. Guess I push all the wrong buttons when dealing with females. Like most games, they don't come with instructions, and you are supposed to just KNOW how to play. That wouldn't be a problem if they were logical and consistent.. [ducks and runs for cover...] The 'right buttons' could be something like doing your homework, or just saying the right things to a client to clinch a sale. ============================================================================ $ 3. Computer Security Oliver Steudler of Dynamic Solutions reports some unusual variants of the various MS Word macro viruses. Robert Sandilands of the CSIR reports as follows: Burglar is the new common file virus. Suddenly appeared out of nowhere and we've received quite a few samples from a few big companies. Seems to damage Windows files with a PE ( Win32 ) component. Things like EMM386.EXE, smartdrv.exe and many of the Windows files. Seems more like accidental damage than anything else. The message "The Death of Grandma..." is in plaintext in the virus. Other viruses reported: Stoned.Angelina AntiExe Stoned.Beijing Burglar Die Hard II Ekaterinburg (Russian Flag) Exebug Exebug.Hooker Junkie Matura Month 4-6 PME (A Polimorphic Engine by the same guy who wrote Burglar). Stoned Winword.Concept A big thank-you to Oliver, and Robert for their monthly inputs :-) South African police seized 372 counterfeit CD-ROMs, worth around 3MR (three million Rand), in a raid recently. The CD-ROMs, from the far East, had pirate Windows 95 software on. A man was arrested. The reward for reporting software piracy has increased from 10 000R to 25 000R. Microsoft shipped ANOTHER CD-ROM with the Winword.Concept macro virus on. The 4000 CDs were sent free to developers around the world. The American FBI arrested 40 people in a chip-theft ring. This was the second major bust in as many months. Some chips are worth more, gram for gram, than gold - or cocaine. The first arrest nabbed 112 people. In Seattle, USA, a 19 year old computer whizzkid helped police catch a 17 year old hacker who was hacking into a local library system, where he caused 250 000$ damage. Hacker king Kevin Mitnick has pleaded guilty to the charges against him. These range from illegal possession and use of cellular phone numbers to violating his probation requirements on a previous conviction. The investigation into other computer breakins is continuing. ============================================================================ 4. Interesting Stuff Nissan did a survey of what people use their very expensive luxury 4x4's for. Two results from their research showed that: 1. 90% of 4x4 owners never take their vehicles off-road. 2. Most of the work done by a 4x4 is taking the kids to school. Heard about the Sandton car wash that offers a mud spraying service to all 4x4 owners on Sunday afternoon? They spray your 4x4 with mud just in time for the office (or play school) on Monday morning. They wash it off for you on Tuesdays. Also overheard that the Hilux 4 X 4 is the best motor vehicle that money can buy: It will go everywhere that a company car can go..... Meanwhile, a US insurance group crash tested 6 popular off-road vehicles, and found that none performed very well. Vehicles from Toyota, Rover, and Ford came out best (acceptable), while those from Isuzu, Honda, and General Motors were rated 'poor.' 22 of the world's 25 poorest countries are in Africa. Following computer stuff lifted from Usenet: A frustrated customer called Compaq's help line when her brand new Contura would not work. She said that she had unpacked the unit, plugged it in, opened it up and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?" Many people have called to ask where the "any" key is when "Press Any Key" flashes on the screen. A Dell customer held the mouse, and pointed it at the screen, all the while clicking madly. A Compaq customer was having trouble reading word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, the tech asked what else was being done with the diskettes. The customer's response:" I put a label on the diskette, rolled it into the typewriter ....". An AST customer dutifully complied with the tech's request that she send in a copy of the defective floppy disk. A letter from the customer arrived a few days later, along with a Xerox copy of the floppy. At Dell, a tech advised a customer to put the disk into the drive, and "close the door". Asking the tech to "hold on", the customer put the phone down and was heard walking over to shut the door to his room! The tech meant the door to the floppy drive. [$ another variant of this story is when tech support asks people to "make sure the light is off," meaning the 'disk busy' indicator light, and people go and switch off the room light.] A Dell customer called saying he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the tech discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key. A Dell customer phoned to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it, he said, filling up his tub with soap and water, and soaked the keyboard for a day, and then removing all the keys - washing them individually. A Dell tech once said that he calmed a man who became enraged because "his computer had told him he was bad and invalid". The tech patiently explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses should not be taken personally. An AST customer complained that her mouse was hard to control with the "dust cover" on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. A woman called a Dell Computer support line when she couldn't get her new computer to turn on. The tech made sure that the computer was plugged in and then asked the woman what happened when she pushed the power button. "I've pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens," the woman replied. "Foot pedal?" the tech asked. "Yes," the woman said, "this little white foot pedal with the on switch." The foot pedal in question was the mouse! ============================================================================ $ 5. The Farsian Chronicles The world is in a sorry state. We have Israel fighting against Syria (again) and Iran. Once again the evil generals think they have the right to slaughter innocent civilians instead of simply killing the opposing generals. After killing hundreds of civilians, they have agreed on new terms of war, but did not explain what will happen when one side breaks these new rules. Over in Korea, North Korea thought they could emulate the Chinese and made warlike noises in an attempt to influence the election in a neighbouring country. They failed, just like the Chinese did. So silly, and such a waste of money and effort. Even funnier was North Korea accusing South Korea of 'military hysterics,' and warning them to calm down. In Japan, the leader of the Aum cult, responsible for poisoning Japanese train commuters, went on trial. He faces the death penalty on several charges. Japanese prosecutors have a 98% success rate, since they never prosecute unless they are sure of winning. Down here in Sunny South Africa, the world has finally realised that the country in being governed by incompetent people, and that we are fast becoming Just Another African Basket Case. This realisation caused a 20% decline in the value of the Rand since February. The government seems blissfully obvlivious to the real cause of the currence crash (themselves), and instead expects the Reserve Bank to Do Something. This is like trying to adjust the barometer when it shows a storm approaching, in the ridiculous hope that by adjusting the barometer, you will chase the storm away. Meanwhile, the poor consumers get stuck with massive petrol (and later, general) price increases. Nero fiddled while Rome burned, didn't he?... Much of the blame belongs on the shoulders of President Mandela, since he appointed the ministers. However the whole world still thinks that he is a close relative of God, and so nobody is pointing fingers at him yet. As time goes by, the question of who will succeed him gets more urgent, and the markets show little confidence in his crown prince. The sad part is that apart from said crown prince, there is no one in the ANC who now could succeed him. Mandela had a role to play in our history, and he played it well. The people who chose him for that role showed excellent judgement. The role was to manage the changeover from white power to black power, without letting things degenerate into a full-out white/black civil war. This he succeeded in doing, although at the cost of a black/black civil war which is still raging in Natal. That role is now complete, and we have to look to who will succeed him. I think the original game plan called for that to be the previous incumbent, Mr De Klerk... Now I suppose you are all wondering WHO chose him for the job? :-) Best I can figure is that it was the people who REALLY run South Africa - probably a complex combination of the Afrikaner Brotherhood, Jewish interests, Swiss interests, and assorted British and German Royalty. [Et in Arcadia Ego...] Another theory (my own, of course) is that the National Party are past masters at manipulating the economy just before elections, and we have important local elections coming up here in the Western Cape. So maybe they got their pal in London, Sir James Goldsmith, to start a run on the Rand and collapse its value. This will make people fed up with the government, and incline them to vote for the National Party instead. If this theory is true, the Rand will regain its value soon after the elections at the end of May. Major international news story this month must go to the Mad Cow Disease scare. Ten people in the last few years have died from CVJ disease, which is related to BSE, aka Mad Cow Disease. However one of those who died was a vegetarian, who last ate beef as a kid. Anyway, not to be confused by the facts, the European Union, aided and abetted by the idiot press, claimed a link between eating mad cows and getting CVJ. Funny how only ten people got it, when millions may have eaten mad cows... Result? International paranoia, people switch to chicken and fish, beef sales nosedive. Beef importers and the whole industry face massive financial losses, all as a result of unfounded media speculation. Some South African officials decide they need to go to Britain to investigate the issue. (See: having a British holiday at the taxpayers expense.) They then decide that since the EU had banned British beef, they had better do the same. They could have reached that decision without leaving home... It also implies that they are too incompetent or too stupid or too scared to make up their OWN minds on the issue. So what do we pay them for? One of these experts frequently appears in radio interviews, where he keeps talking about the 'virus' that causes BSE. Yours truly (Lord Ian Douglas) decided to investigate the whole issue - and coincidently came across Dr Ian Douglas (no relative AFAIK) down in Oz, who is a vet with a few papers to his name. So I pick his brains (thanks Doc), and this is what I learn: BSE is NOT caused by a virus. The exact cause is not fully understood, but it seems that sometimes, a mutation occurs in a protein in some animals, turning it into a 'prion'. This mutation occurs spontaneously, and is the cause of scrapie in sheep, BSE in cattle, and CVJ in man. This prion manages to make it through the digestive system without damage, if it is eaten. It affects neighbouring proteins, causing them to turn into prions too. The prions multiply and start causing problems in the animal. Current speculation is that cows ate sheep that had scrapie, developed BSE from that, and then people ate those cows and got CVJ disease. No explanation as to why there is no panic about Mad Sheep disease, or even Mad Milk (tm, patent pending). There is no proven link between BSE and CVJ. However, the British felt they had to do something, and decided to kill 25% of the cattle. Silly idea - lots of healthy animals will be killed for nothing, and some sick cows will live. Besides, the reponse is out of all proportion to the risk: how many people die from smoking every day, from alcohol related diseases, even in car accidents? (see below). Yet we take no action against these major killers. Real dumb animal, man is... British Hindus, who revere cows, announced that they would pray for the souls of the slaughtered cattle... As is usual after a major disaster, there were soon Mad Cow jokes floating around. Some samples: Two cows talking in a field: First cow: "So aren't you worried about getting this Mad Cow Disease?" Second cow: "Why should I be? I'm a squirrel." What is the difference between Mad Cow Disease and PMS? There isn't any. Why don't South African men get Mad Cow Disease? Because they are all pigs. From UseNet: >Does anybody knows if there is actually recycled paper in beef meat? Only in the UK where, indeed, there has been a recent scare that the inclusion of wood derivatives might cause the transmission to humans of Dutch Elm Disease. Speaking of meat products, some fish cakes and fish fingers are only 40 - 60% fish. Wonder what the rest is?... The OTHER major story, in South Africa at any rate, was Easter. In particular, how many people got killed on the roads in the 5 days of the weekend (Thursday lunchtime to Tuesday morning). This year, we managed to kill 262 people by Tuesday morning, up from last year's eventual total of 178. More are expected to die of their injuries. This was TWELVE times the toll for Australia, even though they have 10 million vehicles compared to our 6,2 million. The government denied that it planned to slaughter 25% of the vehicle population in an attempt to cut the road death toll. At the same time, 78 people died in political violence in KwaZulu-Natal. A symptom of just HOW sick our country is that if 78 people were killed in Devon, England; or Massachusetts, USA, in the same period, the government would be under pressure to resign, or at least fire the responsible ministers. The media would freak out. But not in SA. Here it is just part of life... Similarly, over 100 people have been killed, usually by being burned to death, in witchcraft-related murders, in our Northern province, this year alone. A pal of mine, not known for his religious views, speculated that if Jesus had lasted longer on the cross, we would have a longer Easter Weekend. I was surprised to hear that Easter Friday is not a holiday in Rome, that most Catholic of places. My own opinion is that if the Monday was not a holiday, fewer people would go off on holiday, and THAT would cut the road death toll. One happy story from the Easter weekend was about three young ladies who decided to go walkabout on Table Mountain, and then go down to the beach later. They disappeared, and search parties failed to find them after two days of searching in cold, rainy weather. The mountain experts said that the girls were probably not on the mountain, and everyone feared the worst - that they had been abducted, raped, and killed. On the third day, they stumbled off the mountain into a garden, miles from where they were supposed to have been. They had gotten lost in the mist, and sheltered in caves for two days. Everyone was very relieved at the happy ending. Our government, fresh from the scandal of wasting 14MR (14 million Rand) on a silly play which was supposed to teach people about AIDS, got their priorities right and only squandered a 'modest' 2MR on Freedom Day celebrations, and plans to spend 1,3MR celebrating our new constitution. Wonder how many schoolbooks that would have bought? We pay taxes for the politicians to party... Speaking of the new constitution, they have spent years 'writing' it, and had a big media campaign inviting suggestions for what should be in it. Now time is running out, and it is ACTUALLY being written, in haste, by the NP and ANC, in private sessions behind closed doors. Such a farce. And they wonder why the Rand is crashing... Some of our 'traditional leaders' are upset that there is no place for them in the new constitution. I should hope so - we are now a democracy, and have no place for silly feudal systems. While they are about it, they can dump the 'King of the Zulus' bit as well. He got to be king because his ancestors were bigger gangsters than their compatriots. The trade unions want a strike on 30 April, and maybe the 2nd and 3rd May, because the proposed new constitution is not to their liking. I think that labour related issues should be part of the laws, not part of the constitution. The current trade union Big Boss, who appears frequently on TV, always gives me the impression that he is unreasonable and, um, somewhat intellectually challenged. In Swaziland, some Zionist (presumably from our Zionist Christian Church, the major black church in SA) priests accused Mohammed of being a criminal and murderer. This resulted in some Moslems reacting angrily and threatening the Zionist priests with the death penalty for 'insulting Islam,' just like poor Salman Rushdie. It always amazes me that such a powerful deity needs human assassins to 'protect' his honour. These people are nothing but bloody terrorists. Speaking of Salman, Mr Kalim Siddiqui, a hardline British Moslem leader who supported the death penalty given to Salman, has died of a heart attack while here in SA. Three weeks before his death, he once again called for Salman's death. Maybe there IS justice in this world... =========================================================================== 6. Motivational / Inspirational The Test. Six minutes to six, said the clock over the information booth in New York's Grand Central Station. The tall young Army officer lifted his sunburned face and narrowed his eyes to note the exact time. His heart was pounding with a beat that choked him. In six minutes he would see the woman who had filled such a special place in his life for the past 18 months, the woman he had never seen yet whose words had sustained him unfailingly. Lt. Blandford remembered one day in particular, the worst of the fighting, when his plane had been caught in the midst of a pack of enemy planes. In one of those letters, he had confessed to her that often he felt fear, and only a few days before this battle, he had received her answer: "Of course you fear...all brave men do." Next time you doubt yourself, I want you tho hear my voice reciting to you: 'Yea, though I walk through the valley of Death, I shall fear no evil, for thou art with me.'....He had remembered that and it renewed his strength. He was going to hear her voice now. Four minutes to six. A girl passed closer to him, and Lt. Blandford started. she was wearing a flower, but it was not the little red rose they had agreed upon. Besides, this girl was only about eighteen, and Hollis Maynel had told him she was 30. "What of it?" he had answered, "I'm 32." He was 29. His mind went back to that book he had read in the training camp. "Of Human Bondage" it was; and throughout the book were notes in a woman's handwriting. He had never believed that a woman could see into a man's heart so tenderly, so understandingly. Her name was on the bookplate: Hollis Maynell. He got a hold of a New York City telephone book and found her address. He had written , she had answered. Next day he had been shipped out, but they had gone on writing. For thirteen months she had faithfully replied. When his letters did not arrive, she wrote anyway, and now he believed he loved her, and she loved him. But she had refused all his pleas to send him her photograph. She had explained: "If your feeling for me had no reality, what I look like won't matter. Suppose I am beautiful. I'd always be haunted that you had been taking a chance on just that, and that kind of love would disgust me. Suppose that I'm plain, (and you must admit that this is more likely), then I'd always fear that you were only going on writing because you were lonely and had no one else. No, don't ask for my picture. When you come to New York, you shall see me and then you shall make your own decision." One minute to six...he flipped the pages of the book he held. Then Lt. Blandford's heart lept. A young woman was coming toward him. Her figure was long and slim; her blond hair lay back in curls from delicate ears. Her eyes were blue as flowers, her lips and chin had a gentle firmness. In her pale-green suit, she was like springtime come alive. He started toward her, forgetting to notice that she was wearing no rose, and as he moved, a small, provacative smile curved her lips. "Going my way, soldier?" she murmured. He made one step closer to her. Then he saw Hollis Maynell. She was standing almost directly behind the girl, a woman well past 40, her graying hair tucked under a worn hat. She was more than plump. Her thick-ankled feet were thrust into low-heeled shoes. But she wore a red rose on her rumpled coat. The girl in the green suit was walking quickly away. Blandford felt as though he were being split in two, so keen was his desire to follow the girl, yet so deep was his longing for the woman whose spirit had truly companioned and upheld his own, and there she stood. He could see her pale face was gentle and sensible; her gray eyes had a warm twinkle. Lt. Blandford did not hesitate. His fingers gripped the worn copy of "Of Human Bondage" which was to identify him to her. This would not be love, but it would be something special, a friendship for which he had been and must be ever grateful... He squared his shoulders, saluted, and held the book out toward the woman, although even while he spoke he felt the bitterness of his disappointment. "I'm Lt. Blandford, and you're Miss Maynell. I'm so glad you could meet me. May - may I take you to dinner?" The woman's face broadened in a tolerant smile. "I don't know what this is all about, son," she answered. "That young lady in the green suit, she begged me to wear this rose on my coat. And she said that if you asked me to go out with you, I should tell you she's waiting for you in that restaurant across the street. She said it was some kind of test." -S.I.Kishor On the wedding night the husband asked his wife to put on his pants. She said, "They're to big for me." "Remember that from now on!" he said. She immediately asked him to put on her underpants. He said, " I can't get into those." She then pointed out to him, " And that's the way its going to be until you change your attitude." =========================================================================== 7. Science / Technology "There is no reason why anyone would want a computer in their home." - Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corporation, 1977. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981. [$ thanks to Andrew Kempe for sending in those two} Our company has installed some new high speed printers from Siemens Nixdorff. I was previously impressed with our old Rank Xerox printers, which did 2 pages a second, or 120 a minute. The new printers do 400 a minute. This is so fast that the paper is on a roll instead of precut into A4 size. So apart from printing 6 pages a second, the printer also cuts 6 pages a second, exactly to size... Try and imagine that speed in your mind... Pinnacle Micro, Inc. introduced the world's first 10X speed CD-ROM drive for the consumer and home markets. The 10Xtreme(TM) is the fastest IDE CD-ROM system on the market today with a 1.5 Megabyte per second data rate. This advanced generation CD-ROM drive is available for use with any PC/AT or compatible computer. 10Xtreme has a suggested retail price of $299 and ships with a free copy of "UP!", a unique multimedia CD with 100 digital videos. The 10Xtreme is slated to ship in late April. IBM showed an early version of their new version of OS/2 Warp operating system, called Merlin. Main new improvement (apart from sundry changes to the visual look and feel of the user interface) is the integration of SPEECH into the operating system. You will now be able to talk to your PC, just like Captain Kirk in Star Trek talked to HIS computer systems. I can just imagine the fun they could have with the ads, and all the ways they will be able to knock Microsoft. Now they just need to master the art of generating hype... [I always did think that a system that required me to aim a little pointer into a tiny square was silly. And as for 'double clicking' .. why build mice with two buttons in the first place if the right button was hardly ever used? Dump the double click and use the right button... Functions now handled by the right button can be done by the third button, or by pressing both together.] This development brings a whole HOST of new possibilities and challenges (for example, what happens in an office environment with everyone talking to their PC), which means I will have to have a brainstorming session to see what the future will look like with it. And produce a paper on the topic.. :-) Speaking of Operating systems (OS), the following stuff lifted from UseNet: I'd also like to point out that the PaperOS, which was originally developed in China around 2nd century BC and runs on anything from a Post-It note to the entire archive at the Library of Congress, features complete language independence, is completely immune from software crashes, offers multiuser, multitasking and multiprocessing capabilities, supports a robust filesystem that withstands any sort of crash, power surge or blackout, user friendliness that makes a joke out of Macs, a cost-to-utility ratio that mocks even the cheapest garage-factory PC, graphics support transparently embedded in the OS, best portability in the market (try folding up and stuffing your Thinkpad in your shirt pocket), math equation/typesetting support that makes a mockery out of TeX and its ilk, and non-data processing capabilities (swatting insects, wiping spaghetti stains off of tables, blowing nose) which even the most powerful computers can only dream of. (Yeah, your SPARCserver might hit 200 SPECInt92, but try hitting a fly with it!) Today, more than 20 *CENTURIES* after its invention, the computer world still has not even come close to approaching the technology in the ancient PaperOS. 20+ centuries is quite a long time, folks! : That may be well and good, but China is come rather late in the game. : PapyrusOS predates PaperOS by at least another 20+ centuries, : ClayTabOS (CuniOS), now used only for archival storage, is probably : even older and shows the greatest data integrity, However, the oldest still in use is SpeechOS. It's built-in networking capability, natural language interface, and installed user base even larger than PaperOS account for its popularity even today. Although its data permanence leave something to be desired, it's high speed can make up for it in many situations. There was a prototype version, called GruntOS (name in development: UGH). A derivative of this, called BabyTalk , is used around the world in developing systems. [$ which brings us back to Merlin... :-) ] Still with IBM, their market capitalisation increased by 16G$ (16 American billion dollars) in the space of five weeks. That is more than the GDP of Ecuador. STILL with IBM, they have set a world record with a new disk drive that can store 1.3Gbits in a square inch. Their new drives have capacities from 1.08GB to 2.16GB, and a data transfer rate of 48.9 to 74.7 Mbits/second. =========================================================================== $ 8. Advertising / The Media New words heard on the electronic media, from journalists and newsreaders: on SAfm (mostly on AM Live) Probable meaning oddable audible much march robers robbers pussel parcle on TV1 (8pm news) / Focus drustic drastic intoragated interrogated volum volume dezisions decisions corvetted coveted riots rights this these hummered hammered patly partly This month's prize for the best movie poster is awarded to Devil in a Blue Dress. Marlon Brando upset some Jewish circles in Hollywood when he claimed that Hollywood was run by the Jews. Funny, I thought that it was obvious to anyone who bothered to read the credits on films and TV shows. He eventually apologised, after a radical Jewish group threatened to do all sorts of nasty things to his career. Shades of Salman Rushdie... There was some debate about what to name our province, currently called The Western Cape. One suggestion is The Fairest Cape (so described by Sir Walter Ralleigh). That would make our provincial rugby teams The Fairies. This month's prize for the Most Irritating ad goes to the ABSA woman's bowls championship radio ads. Last month was April, which means that the press celebrate 1 April by publishing the most outlandish stories as news items, in the hope of catching some gullible people. [I had wanted to do the same with F13, but ran out of time, so will keep them for next year.] Some samples: An announcement that our sporting symbol, the Springbok, will be replaced by the Aardvaark; that a DisneyWorld type theme park will be built in the Kruger National Park game reserve, but won't take up more than one third of the area; that Princess Dianne was now flying economy class; that Disney had bought Hadrian's Wall in Britain, and planned to turn it into a theme park; that ostriches will be used as gliders off Signal Hill here in Cape Town; and in Belgium, that summer time had been cancelled and people must put their watches back. Probably the most famous April Fool media joke of all time was the half hour BBC radio documentary about the spaghetti trees in the Po River valley in Italy. In keeping with the Easter theme, both Time and Newsweek, and later, US News and World Report, ran front cover stories questioning the whole Jesus issue: who he was, what he actually said and did, and whether he actually rose from the dead or not. A major feature of news bulletins lately has been our Truth and Reconciliation Commission, otherwise known as the Circus for the Prosecution of the Previous Regime. While I do not wish to downplay the atrocities and human rights abuses that took place in the past, both by the government and the 'liberation' movements, there is one group of victims who have been overlooked, and who are not likely to come forward and tell their stories. These people were forced into slavery for periods ranging from 9 months to 4 years. During these periods they were subjected to severe verbal, physical, and emotional abuse. Many died as a result of this process. These people were forced to walk or drive over land mines, to go into areas where other people shot at them, or threw missiles and firebombs at them. They were forced to kill and injure other people, even if this was against their beliefs. Many more died or were seriously injured as a consequence. The generals and politicians who caused this misery are still walking around scott free. This group of victims, numbering hundreds of thousands, if not millions, were national servicemen. It was the price we paid for being born male with a white skin, and I will never forgive our 'leaders' for what they did to us. But I digress. The T&RC has public hearings, with TV cameras present. Now with several people giving 'evidence' (no cross examinations) each day, there is only ONE way to guarantee that YOUR particular story makes it onto the evening TV news: you have to turn on the waterworks and hysterics, louder and wetter than anyone else that day. Showing scars also helps. This leads to all sorts of amazing performances, as they witnesses try and outdo each other with their tales of suffering. "Actual Newspaper Headlines" ============================ - Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says - Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers - Farmer Bill Dies in House - Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? - Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over - Eye Drops off Shelf - Teacher Strikes Idle Kids - Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead - Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim - Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 - Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax - Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told - Miners Refuse to Work after Death - Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant -*** Stolen Painting Found by Tree*** - Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies - Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years - Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One - If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While - Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures - Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge - Deer Kill 17,000 - Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead - Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge - New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group - Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft - Kids Make Nutritious Snacks - Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy - Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire - Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood - Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half - New Vaccine May Contain Rabies - Steals Clock, Faces Time - Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff - Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction - Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training =========================================================================== 9. Health Scientists in Britain have developed a new male contraceptive, which works by daily injection. It basically kicks your testosterone levels sky-high, so that your body thinks it does not need to make any more, and as a consequence, sperm production falls off to zero. The treatment is 99% effective, about the same as the pill for women. They are working on a pill version. The crazy Europeans are devising new schemes to interfere in people's married bliss. In Austria, a proposed law will force couples wishing to marry to attend courses about housework, childcare, wage distribution, and fidelity. This is supposed to decrease the divorce rate. It will succeed - by decreasing the marriage rate first... In several countries, a husband's refusal to do half the housework when both partners have fulltime jobs will be considered grounds for divorce. There was an interesting letter in the paper from a Moslem woman, ranting against the Moslem clergy. Under Islamic law, a man may have up to 4 wives. However these marriages are not recognised by SA law. So some Moslem men DO marry more than one wife, keeping them in seperate houses. The previous wives are not consulted, and suddenly find their welfare in jeopardy. It must be disheartening to think of the man they love sleeping with another wife, not knowing if or when he will return. The letter writer blamed the clergy for allowing the practice to continue, because they solemnise the weddings. China is sitting with a population time bomb: the One Child policy has worked well, and turned China into the world's fastest aging nation. Every day, 20 000 Chinese turn 60. There are already 100 million people aged over 60. However there are fewer children to support these oldsters. Now China is contemplating euthenasia for seriously ill old people. =========================================================================== 10. Humour Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, "Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and state the conditions." Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going to hear of it when I get home!" She sat down, red-faced. "Susan, can you tell me the answer?" asked Mr. Baldwin "The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions," said Susan. "Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you. First, you have not studied your lesson. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, boy are you going to be disappointed someday!" Actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations,10-10-95: Voice1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Voice2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision. Voice1: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Voice2: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Voice1: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW! Voice2: This is a lighthouse. Your call. The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but US government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words. There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets? Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2. Advising the President. 3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front? Laundry instructions on a shirt made by HEET (Korea): For best results: Wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm iron. For not so good results: Drag behind car through puddles, blow-dry on roof rack. "The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad." -- Salvador Dali SUBJ: A Letter From School Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on. ------------------- Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad A jump instructor, his student and the pilot were up roaming the skies, teaching this student about parachuting. The instructor cautioned the student, saying, "When you jump, look up and see if the parachute opened up. If not, pull this ripcord right here on your left side, and the reserve parachute will open up." The student thought for a minute, and then said, "What happens if the reserve parachute doesn't open?" The instructor responded with, "Well, then I guess you have the rest of your life to learn how to fly." Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings. =========================================================================== 11. NetNews Sun Microsystems has plans to embed the Java run-time engine directly in the Operating System for various platforms. These include products from IBM, Apple, Microsoft, and several Unix manufacturers. Meanwhile, Netscape, Borland, Symantec, and Microsoft are all working on just-in-time compilers for Java, to turn the byte codes into machine code. This speeds up the Java execution. Oracle will soon ship version 1.0 of its PowerBrowser, and also release the beta of v1.5, which will support Java applets. The beta browser includes an integrated HTML editor, and server and database tool. A new company called Momentum, Inc. will release a new 200$ machine that provides basic internet access. The screen is 40 characters by 8 lines, and the device has a built in modem. It is called the NetPad. Some anagrams from the name Marc Andreessen, who wrote Mosaic and Netscape: arcane nerd mess marc endearness scream and sneer same darn screen damn near recess In the race to build a better search engine (currently being led by Digital's AltaVista site) (http://www.altavista.digital.com), Infoseek have bought technology from Xerox Corp's Palo Alto research labs (which gave us the Macintosh / Windows interface). The technology, called UltraSeek, can handle 1000 searches a second. The service debuts in June. The webcrawler engine will index every word of every site it finds. Some assorted banter from Usenet: ben@theory4.kek.jp (Ben Bullock) wrote: >Larry (csinc@gol.com) wrote: > >> Sales Assistant for the business division. >> Japanese National with practicle English >> Junior level secretary >> Japanese National with practicle English > >What is practicle English? I think it's a spelling mistake. He obviously meant "particle English". This refers to the study of English at the sub-letter level -- it's like the liberal arts equivalent of what you high energy physics guys do. Grammarians shout prepositions into a Lexical Accelerator, where they collide at high speeds with a cloud of floating gerunds and punctuation. It's all very high tech. Isa writes: > > I just had a dream that reminded me of when I baught > this computor a year ago. At the time I knew nothing at all about > computors. And still don't know how to spell them. > Arond that time I found that every night for around two weeks > all my dreams were as if they wer made up of thousands of bites. Bytes. Unless you really do mean bites. (I once had a girlfriend who ... oh never mind.) > I remember in the dream watching them desolve into littler > bits and the next dream starting. Like it was two dementional. Which inspires me to wonder if people with dementia tend to desolve things. In another post Isa writes... > > I had just watched that movie Mortal combat > in it the nynja dicipates when attacked. Your spelling is truly out of this world! Very evocative and dreamlike. [$ he is destined for a career with the SABC...] > > The _exalted_ guardian of the fledling few forging the fires of fan fiction. ^ I'm not sure, but I think this is might be an actual "g" spot. First one I've ever found. $ Resources: http://newo.com/news/ - is a complete directory of local daily news worldwide. Link includes Africa, Americas (North, South and Central America), Asia, Europe, Oceania ..... [$ thanks to Stephen K. Lim for sending it in] http://stones.co.za/ut Comparisons of SA unit trusts (mutual funds) http://stones.co.za/restaurant Site about restaurants :-) http://www.ipizza.com/ Instant pizza (picture, anyway) http://www.shoplet.com/auto buy and sell new and used cars Will have the usual long list next month - my sources have been unavailable lately. =========================================================================== 12. Recipes Bean Sprout Waldorf Salad serves 4 2 cups bean sprouts (eg Mung bean sprouts) 4 sticks of celery 3 crisp red apples half cup walnuts dressing: 1 cup natural (Bulgarian) youghurt 1 teaspoon lemon juice 1 tablespoon fresh mint, chopped (half quantity if dried) seasoning (salt and pepper) Chop the apples, celery and walnuts and mix with the bean sprouts. Add seasoning and lemon juice. Stir in yoghurt, and sprinkle with mint. =========================================================================== 13. Things to Think About If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call, and what would you say? And, why are you waiting? - Stephen Levine =========================================================================== Sections marked with a '$' are original and CopyLeft 1996 by Ian Douglas. See Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged" for explanation of the '$'. The rest is part direct lift from various Net sources, and part paraphrased or directly lifted from various print media. Permission to reproduce is granted as long as source is credited. Back issues available on my web site. To subscribe, send me email. Distribution: F13 is distributed with Rob Fisher's RobList, the List of all South African BBS's, which can be found on all decent SA BBS's, where it is downloaded by hundreds (thousands?) of surfers. F13 is also available as a read-only mailing list on the Internet, with over 195 subscribers at the moment. Current countries represented are: Australia, Canada, China, Brazil, Germany, Hong Kong, India, Italy, Latvia, Lithuania, Malaysia, Mexico, Netherlands, Norway, Portugal, South Africa, South Korea, Sweden, Switzerland, Singapore, Russia, UK, United Arab Emirates, USA.