F 13 **** Compiled, edited & written by Ian Douglas Issue #8: April 1996 iandoug@lia.co.za zasnlids@ibmmail.com http://www.lia.co.za/users/iandoug/ $ Introduction: A big welcome to all the new subscribers. Sorry I did not welcome you all personally like I used to, but consider yourselves welcomed :-). I am busy configuring a listserv to automate things... Due to my growing international audience, I have decided to make some changes to two of the sections: The Farsian Chronicles will now no longer be populated with animals, but will instead be a look at the silly (political) going-ons in the world. The Advertising and Media section will also be changed, probably next month when I figure out how to internationalise it more. The Argus Cycle Tour went off all right. My time was 4 minutes slower than last year, and 11 minutes slower than I had hoped for. The wind was rather strong this year, and I had to stop twice for mechanical checkups. The tour is the largest timed cycle race in the world. It is 105 km long, and this year there were 27000 entries. See Web resources below for WWW address. This year we got a package of freebies when we registered: bath oil (donated to the Empress), a box of macaroni, a dried fruit bar, an adhesive plaster, 2 antacids, a packet of instant oats, a packet of popcorn, and eye drops (donated to Leon, who at least said thankyou, unlike a beautiful woman whose name I won't mention...). Nothing happened :-(((. Have not seen or heard from Veronica all month. Actually I kinda missed not having someone madly in love with me. Guess it is the Male Ego thing. The Empress did not phone. Lydia has moved into a flat with her boyfriend, and I don't know where. She rocked up here on Saturday morning, and I took her up to the shopping centre where the Empress works. When I saw that the Empress was working, I considered introducing them but then thought better of it.. :-) Saw the Princess once only. The Queen of the Desert no longer writes to me. Last message was an apology for not writing, and a promise to write when she went on leave on the 7th of March. Maybe she meant next year. At least one of the Empress' sisters still greets me. Have I mentioned that she has nice sisters? The Empress does not greet me - we just look in each other's eyes (from a distance) and have a whole silent conversation in a matter of split seconds. It's strange how I can do that with some people - like Lyn and Lydia. Lydia and I hardly ever look too long in each other's eyes because we know that we both read far too much there - and some things have to be officially suppressed and denied. But we *know*, even though we pretend otherwise. I know some people find this soap opera fascinating, but the real reason for writing it was not to entertain you, but to keep the Empress informed, and let her know how I saw the things that happened between us. Actually a lot of what I put in F13 was for her benefit - it was kinda fun sending messages to her in public, knowing that she would know what I was talking about while the rest of you would not. However I have now decided to give her what she wants, and leave her alone, to get out of her life. I tried that once before with little success - I longed so much to see her face that my desires soon overcame my self control. However after two years of trying to get to know her, and getting absolutely nowhere (I don't even know her name, for crying out loud..), I have decided to try the impossible - to try to forget her. Write the wasted two years off to experience. My normal approach when I had to stop liking someone was to concentrate on their flaws instead of their good points. However I can't do that this time - I have been unable to find ANY flaws in her, which is most unusual... That means I have to change not only my cycling routes, but also my shopping habits. And that means I won't see Veronica or The Princess (Pity. She is really nice.) It also means that I won't need to write soap operas anymore, since The Empress won't be getting F13 anymore. Delivering it to her was far and away the most stressful activity of my entire month anyway. Now I have to start over looking for a soulmate [sigh]. I have never found anyone else who rated so highly.. :-( Damn. I guess the Empress does not want to join me in my quest to change the world. Pity. She would have been great. The sad part is that my intuition still insists that she likes me, even though her total lack of response or initiative, and certain hostile actions, indicate otherwise. Sometimes I even wonder if I should doubt my intuition. Nah.. impossible for it to be wrong... :-) Workwise I wangled the job of redoing our company's WWW site, which is going to be a lot of fun. I also get to work with the art department and advertising people - where there are LOTS more females than in the Systems department :-) So work will be happy for the next few months - now if we could just do the same with the social side... Lots of thanks to the following people for their kind fan mail (hope I didn't miss anyone): Marius Axsel, Mirko Malisan, Johan Hefer, Shadow. From: Marius Axsel A while back I read F13 for the first time and I enjoyed it a lot. Now I want more and more !! of your great stuff. I would like it if you could send me a copy of F13 monthly to my E-Mail address. Keep up the good work. From: Mirko Malisan I would like to subscribe to your most Excellent zine. From: Johan Hefer F13 is excellent! It is the only reason I download Rob's List every month. But now with E-mail, I would like to ask you to put me in your mailing list. From: Shadow Now this is a cool e-zine! I've been reading it from about day 1 and have never stopped laughing once! (Your soapie must be they ONLY enjoyable one around - may the force be with you :-) ) PS: Do you know how this SA top 10 pages works? How can I put mine there? I get about 1100 hits a day (is this enough for it to be considered for sellection?) Thanks. [$ whereupon Ian feels rather embarressed at getting only about 2+ visitors a day. I should mention that Shadow's site features Demi Moore stuff...] CONTENTS: ~~~~~~~~~ 1. Quotations 2. How To Play Games 3. Computer Security 4. Interesting Stuff 5. The Farsian Chronicles 6. Motivational / Inspirational 7. Science / Technology 8. Advertising / The Media 9. Health 10. Humour 11. NetNews 12. Recipes 13. Things to Think About =========================================================================== 1. Quotations "Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk." From Lifes little instruction book II "Dreams have as much influence as actions." Stephane Mallarme "It is in vain to hope to please all alike. Let a man stand with his face in what direction he will, he must necessarily turn his back on one half of the world." George Dennison Prentice "Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood and probably will themselves not be realized. Make big plans; aim high in hope and work, remembering that a noble, logical diagram once recorded will not die." Daniel Burnham "Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot" Charlie Chaplin "Ideas must work through the brains and arms of men, or they are no better than dreams." Ralph Waldo Emerson "In great matters men show themselves as they wish to be seen; in small matters, as they are." Gamaliel Bradford "A friend is someone who sees through you and still enjoys the view." Wilma Askinas "Who are you?" asked the little prince, and added, "You are very pretty to look at." "I am a fox," the fox said. "Come and play with me," proposed the little prince. "I am so unhappy." "I cannot play with you," the fox said. "I am not tamed." "I am looking for friends. What does that mean - 'tame'? " "It is an act too often neglected," said the fox. "It means to establish ties." "'To establish ties'?" "Just that," said the fox. "To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world..." from "The Little Prince," by Antoine de Saint-Exup‚ry But the the day came that Chiang vanished. He had been talking quietly with them all, exhorting them never to stop their learning and their practising and their striving to understand more of the perfect invisible principles of all life. Then, as he spoke, his feathers went brighter and brighter and at last turned so brilliant that no gull could look upon him. "Jonathan," he said, and these were the last words that he spoke, "keep working on love." When they could see again, Chiang was gone. from Richard Bach's "Jonathan Livingstone Seagull" "Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past me, I will turn to see fear's path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." The Bene Gesserit litany against fear from "Dune," by Frank Herbert "The other kind of half is the man whom people call practical, the man who despises principles, abstractions, art, philosophy, and his own mind. He regards the acquisition of material objects as the only goal of existence - and he laughs at the need to consider their purpose or their source. He expects them to give him pleasure - and he wonders why the more he gets, the less he feels. _He_ is the man who spends his time chasing women. Observe the triple fraud which he perpetrates on himself. He will not acknowledge his need for self-esteem, since he scoffs at such a concept as moral values; yet he feels the profound self-contempt which comes from believing that he is a piece of meat. He will not acknowledge, but he knows that sex is the physical expression of a tribute to personal values. So he tries, by going through the motions of the effect, to acquire that which should have been the cause. He tries to gain a sense of his own value from the women who surrender to him - and he forgets that the women he picks have neither character nor judgement nor standard of value. He tells himself that all he's after is physical pleasure - but observe that he tires of his women in a week or a night, that he despises professional whores and that he loves to imagine that he is seducing virtuous girls who make a great exception for his sake. It is the feeling of achievement that he seeks and never finds. What glory can there be in the conquest of a mindless body?" Francisco d'Anconia in Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged" A quote I heard somewhere: "Those who know how will always work for those who know why." "Indeed, he may have been the first man outside organized religion to profit from the palpably untrue." from an article in Fortune Magazine, about P.T. Barnum, written by Alan Farnham. =========================================================================== $ 2. How To Play Games Rule 12: Never give up Hoo boy. Why did this rule have to come up NOW - just when I admitted to giving up chasing the Empress? If I had to follow my own advice, I would not give up. I guess I never really do - I just change tactics, sometimes drastically. Patience and persistence are two of my greatest weapons. Anyway, all too often I have seen players give up too soon in a game - when they THINK the situation is hopeless and that they will die. Don't play like that. Keep fighting until you really are dead. Winston Churchill has a famous quote about never giving up - something along the lines of Never, never, never, never, never give up.... Rule 13: Every game has patterns or micro patterns Mmm.. Well, most games have patterns. Some patterns are obvious, like for example, in Space Invaders, the men march from left to right and right to left, descending at each reverse. Sometimes the patterns are smaller and less obvious - what I call micro-patterns. For example, in Asteroids de Lux, there are no real patterns in the way the rocks move, but there are techniques you can use for dealing with the satellites. These techniques are micro-patterns. You need to discover each game's patterns or micro-patterns. Once you have discovered them, you have to find the flaw or weak spot in the pattern, and use that weakness to beat the game. This works with people too (most people, anyway). People have habits and mannerisms, which are patterns. Once you know these, you can figure out ways to use these patterns to your advantage. ============================================================================ $ 3. Computer Security Burglars broke into IBM's offices in Portsmouth, England, and stole memory chips worth 100 000 pounds from 70 computers. In a move to stop such thefts, a company called AVID has released a new miniature chip which can be hidden inside memory chips, and detected with a special scanner. The chips have unique identification numbers which cannot be erased, changed, or forged. The scanners are the size of TV remote controls. Oliver Steudler of Dynamic Solutions reports lots of problems with the Winword.Concept macro virus. Mitch Dove of Gas Software reports the following infections: Gauteng Russian_Flag, Natas.4744, Junkie, Barrotes, Ripper, FairZ, Dark Avenger, Little_Red Durban Dir II These are in addition to the usual Stoned, Michelangelo, Exe_Bug, etc. I am surprised to see Dir II, since that requires Dos 3 to work... Mitch writes further: "Had 12 machines into the Workshop which were totally trashed as a result of the Mich. Virus. Heads 1- 3, Sectors 0 - 17 were overwritten with what ever it found in memory at the time. In the majority of cases NO BACKUPS !!!. Some Data Recover organisations were charging in the region of R300 to sort out the problem and in some case R24 per Meg. Heavy stuff. "WinWord.Concept has reached epidemic levels and is causing a major problem throughout. Gatekeeper95, which is due any day now will, along with the standard virus infections, sort out the Concept virus at memory level, i.e. a virus disinfecting VxD driver for Windows 95 / NT. "Alot of Hype exists over the Boza virus, this one is NOT in the Wild and I do not see it as a problem in the near future. "A virus called Tentacle has been distributed in the internet lately. This Windows-based virus was found in the wild from France and UK in March 1996. The virus was distributed in a file called dogzcode.zip via the alt.cracks usenet newsgroup. Tentacle infects Windows 3.1x EXE files. Tentacle infects files in the current and Windows directories. It does not stay memory resident. "Occasionally, Tentacle will replace the icon in the infected EXE file with it's own copy. This new icon has a picture of a tentacle and the text 'Tentacle'." Robert Sandilands of the CSIR writes as follows: "A lot of Michelangelo's... The bad way. We've been very busy so no accurate count of viruses was kept. The following ones come to mind: Bozo (Win32 virus) Exebug Exebug.Hooker Kaczor (Hit 3/3 - no damage - strange shaking effect of screen) Little Red Michelangelo Natas NYB (or B1) OneHalf PeterII Reverse Sampo Shoo Stoned Winword.Colours Winword.Concept" A big thank-you to Oliver, Mitch, and Robert for their monthly inputs :-) ============================================================================ 4. Interesting Stuff Bought some toilet paper on a sale. When I got home, I discovered why it was cheaper - the roll was about 5mm shorter than normal size. However even normal size is not what it used to be. Check the width of the roll compared to the size of the holder: when I was a kid, they were the same. Now the toilet roll is a few cm shorter than the holder. The paper companies have been steadily decreasing the width of the rolls over the years. It is surely only a matter of time before the roll gets down to be 1 inch wide.. :-) Australia has carniverous snails. A South African won the World Hand Sheep Shearing contest held recently, while a Scotsman won the mechanical shearing category. I did a quick census of my bookshelves and discovered that I have over 200 books which I have bought but not yet read. Just don't seem to have time. Actually the problem started years ago when I got my first computer.. :-) (Atari 800) I am getting rather jealous of President Mandela, who gets to chat up all the Miss South Africas. Guess the only viable route is for me to become president too.. :-) Mandela was recently granted a divorce from his firebrand wife, Winnie. She opposed the divorce, not because she loved him, but in order to get half his estate. That is worth either 2MR or 40MR, depending on which journalist you believe. Everyone was shocked at Winnie's revelations of her monthly expenses - revealing a lifestyle which puts Princess Di and Lady Fergie to shame. Some examples: Cosmetics 2000R, groceries 10000R, clothes 10000R, entertainment 12000R. The monthly total was 107 000R. How come we always write the unit of currency in front of the number, while for other things we write the unit afterwards? For example, we write 50Kg, not Kg50. So I propose that for consistency, we do the same with currency, and write 50$ instead of $50. That way, it is written as it is pronounced. Fifty million dollars will then be 50M$... There are 100 million romance books sold annually world wide - 99,9% of which are bought by women. Not sure if they include Louis L'Amour's westerns in that category. I used to read them until it dawned on me that they were just love stories for men. "Amour" is French for love, isn't it? Prisoners in Arizona are heading for severe punishment: the cable networks Home Box Office and Showtime are to be cut, leaving them with only normal broadcast TV and basic cable on the TV's in their cells. In the US in 1990, about 1 in 10 marriages are between older men and younger women, where the age difference is at least 10 years. This is up from 1970, where the ratio was 1 in 14. Also in the US, the National Centre for Men is planning a Federal Lawsuit to give men the right to renounce all parental responsibilities. This is to match the woman's right to have an abortion. The group wants men to be able to renounce their responsibilities if they want to, and leave it up to the pregnant mother to decide whether to raise the child without financial support from daddy, put the child up for adoption, or have an abortion. Only in the US: there is a newsletter for Christian nudists, called the Fig Leaf Forum. The first Christian Nudist Conference was held recently in North Carolina. Belgian cardiologist Pedro Brugada won an amateur golf tournament in Brussels in June despite suffering a heart attack during the final round. He was revived on the course by an opponent-physician, rushed to the hospital, and released after about 90 minutes to go back to the course. Sue Olsen, 38, finished the Grandma's Marathon (26 miles) in Duluth, Minn., on June 16, then ran 100 kilometers in an ultramarathon in Minneapolis on June 17 and 18, and followed that up late on June 19 by going into labor and producing 7-pound, 3-ounce John Miles Olsen on June 20. In the last regular-season game for the University of Virginia's football team, with the score tied, a Virginia Tech player intercepted a pass and ran down the sideline to the end zone to give Tech a 36-29 win. As the player ran past the Virginia bench, the team trainer, Joe Gieck, a member of the trainers' hall of fame, stuck his leg out onto the field but failed to make contact. Gieck said he only meant to "distract" the player, not trip him. JAKARTA, Indonesia - Virginity has been declared compulsory for women cadets entering the Indonesian police and military forces. The Pos Kota newspaper quoted Indonesian police chief Gen. Banurusman Astroemitro as telling a parliamentary commission a woman's virginity would have to be verified before she could enter academies for the military, which includes the police. He said some women entering military academies have had to leave after they were discovered to be pregnant. "The result is that the female cadet soldier must end her education," he said. Answering legislators' questions, Banurusman said: "If needed, the examination can be done by a woman doctor." ============================================================================ $ 5. The Farsian Chronicles There is still a low-level civil war raging in our Natal province. Every few days, some people get massacred, usually with AK-47's. Our government's brilliant response to this problem is to ban people from carrying cultural weapons (spears, clubs, axes, etc), which they could use to defend themselves with. You are still allowed to carry a firearm if it is licenced. The SA government has decided on a new arms sales policy, which bans arms sales to "rebel movements." Guess they have forgotten that they were once a rebel movement themselves. Or maybe it is once again a case of one man's freedom fighter being another man's terrorist. Note that I am not condoning armed struggle, just pointing out the hyposcrisy in their policies. The government has decided to legalise homosexual rape in prisons by issuing condoms to prisoners. The alleged reason is to prevent the spread of AIDS. In Israel, suicide bombers are doing their best to derail the peace process. The ANC has condemned these acts of violence. What short memories they have - just a few short years ago they were dedicated to a violent armed struggle themselves, including similar bomb attacks which killed innocent civilians. Once again, I say "hypocrites." I feel sorry for the suicide bombers - they are what Lenin descibed as "useful idiots." They throw their lives away to further the political agendas of other men, who believe in The Cause so much that they are happy to send others to their death for it, but not enough to sacrifice their own lives. These Manipulators are evil, and are part of what I intend to destroy. Taiwan had its first democratic elections since fleeing the Chinese mainland in 1948. This was trumpeted in the media as the first elections in 5000 years of Chinese history. This is political skullduggery - as if the rest of the world has been having elections for 5000 years. The media (and the ANC) pulled the same stunt during our first fully-democratic elections in April 1994, claiming that it was the first democratic election in 300 years of white oppression. They blissfully overlooked the fact that it was the first democratic election in this part of the world in history - the indigineous people never had elections before or after the whites arrived, nor did the whites arrive and immediately suppress the blacks - they were hundreds of miles apart at the time. The whites never had elections either, for a couple of hundred years. Mainland China was not impressed with Taiwan's election, and tried the traditional bully boy tactics in an attempt to frighten the islanders. The attempt failed. China is doing this the wrong way - it would be far easier to send 10 million poor unarmed peasants to Taiwan, and destabilise the island that way. Taiwan, of course, would be wise to ship their considerable gold and foreign exchange holdings to Switzerland and Lichtenstein as soon as possible... Another example of religeous evil in more becoming more and more common here in SA - the burning to death of witches. No, my dear foreign readers, I am not joking. The criminals are superstitious peasants, who, following the biblical injunction that "thou shalt not allow a witch to live," taught to them by men more interested in money and power than good deeds, literally burn people to death. All that happens is that SOMEONE accuses another person (usually an old woman) of witchcraft, works a crowd up, and the poor woman gets murdered. Now how can we teach them that witchcraft is impossible, because the supernatural is impossible, since it is impossible to break the laws of nature? While our previous government was well known for its corrupt activities, the current one seems to have adopted the attitude that, "anything the Brothers can do, we Comrades can do better." Almost daily we hear new revelations of corruption, mismanagement, and funds that are "unaccounted for." I am starting to understand people who see nothing wrong in lying to government about their income and expenses, in order to minimise their tax. Tax is, after all, nothing but theft and socialism. The government has announced plans to include 'unpaid labour' when determining the SA Gross Domestic Product. This includes things like housework, childcare, caring for aged parents, etc. The reason? Pure economic bamboozlement: by articially boosting our GDP, the ratio of government debt to GDP will fall from around 55% to a much lower figure. This will allow government to borrow more money overseas, and stick the taxpayers with higher interest and capital repayments. Interest payments are already one of the largest items on the national budget. Yet another example of the evil that ensues when religious fanatics gain secular power comes from the city of Herat in Afghanistan. A militant Islamic movement, Talibun, runs the city. They have banned television, Hollywood movies, music, dancing, picnics, kite flying (good grief!), stereo systems, video players, western books, and wedding parties. Men have to grow beards and wear turbans. Women may no longer work commercially (except in health care, looking after other women), and girls may not attend school or university. Women may not walk in the streets unless accompanied by a male relative, and have to wear veils. -------------------------------------------------------------------- 6. Motivational / Inspirational From South Pacific, my favourite musical. By Rodgers and Hammerstein. Twin Soliloquies ================ Male Female Wonder how I'd feel, living on a hillside Looking on an ocean, beautiful and still. This is what I need, this is what I've longed for Someone young and smiling, climbing up my hill. We are not alike, probably I'd bore him He's a cultured Frenchman, I'm a little hick. Younger than the night, officers and doctors Probably pursue her, she could have her pick. Wonder why I feel jittery and jumpy I am like a schoolgirl, waiting for a dance. Can I ask her now? I am like a schoolboy What will be her answer? Do I have a chance? "People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them." George Bernard Shaw, 1893 "Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition." Alexander Smith There are two secrets to success in life: 1. never reveal all that you know. =========================================================================== 7. Science / Technology Telkom, SA's sole telephone company, has finally introduced detailed billing on phone accounts. We have to pay extra for the information. Researchers at the University of Washington, and engineers at Micro Vision Inc., have developed a new compact display to replace TV's and computer screens. The Virtual Retinal Display (VRD) scans images directly onto the retina of the eye using a computer-controlled beam of light. The person sees an image that is larger than a TV screen. Three molecules made this century have launched whole new industries on their own: nylon, polyethylene, and plexiglas. Now Donald Tomalia has invented another - and the first man-made three dimensional one - called a dendrimer. Some possibilities for the new molecule: improved potency for perfumes and skin creams, bigger memory chips, and electronic components the size of a single molecule. The Japanese have made a breakthrough in data communications, they have transmitted data at the rate of a trillion (10^12) bits per second (== 1Tb/s) through an optical fibre. That is the equivalent to sending 300 years worth of daily newspapers in a single second. Back in the US, we have Secret Sitter - a video camera to spy on your baby sitter. Apparently baby sitters are not always sweet loveable people who pamper your little darlings. Now with the secret cameras concealed in teddy bears, microphones in clocks, and thermal imaging systems in cupboards, you can find out exactly what goes on while you are out. Apparently 70% of users end up firing their nannies. =========================================================================== $ 8. Advertising / The Media New words heard on the electronic media, from journalists and newsreaders: on SAfm (mostly on AM Live) Probable meaning lenning learning says (say-s) says (sez) gruvity gravity uggregrate aggregate nuce news arch-i-tex architects on TV1 (8pm news) / Focus litters letters axes access reten return annings earnings This month's prize for the best movie poster is awarded to Babe. The Wills Cricket World Cup is now over. Now can someone please tell me who the heck Wills are and what products they make? Talk about a wasted sponsorship... The fashion magazine Elle is now produced locally here in SA, and is considerably cheaper than the overpriced imported versions. The quality is just as good, including the excellent fashion shoots. We wait with bated breath for Vogue to do the same... Sportsmen in South Africa are fast becoming our best paid entertainers. Our top rugby players have been given contracts worth 2,5MR (million Rands) over three years - that is over 70 000R a month - more than I used to earn in a year... I can't help feeling that somewhere along the line the market has lost its sense of priorities, and is rewarding the wrong achievements... Why should chasing a piece of leather be so well paid? One of our satellite TV companies is now offering prospective customers a free two week trial of a satellite system, in your own home. This is the same sucker deal that the Americans used to sell colour TV when it was first introduced there. They'd let you use a colour TV free for a month. In that month, all your friends and neighbours come and gawk at it. The kids get used to it. The wife prefers hunks in soap operas in living colour. When the month is over, you think you can just call the TV company and tell them to come and fetch it again? ... Now that our two cellular network phone companies have achieved more or less equal national coverage, they had to find a new angle to advertise with, and both chose cricket. So Vodacom proudly announces that they are the official sponser of the SA cricket team, while MTN lamely admits they they support SA cricket. Both are busy on adding new features for their clients, so expect another advertising war between them around September. Following the world wide paranoia about Mad Cow Disease (which I suspect was started by chicken farmers), local retailer Pick 'n Pay was very quick off the mark with a simple TV ad proclaiming that they "will not sell British beef." Congratulations on reacting so quickly. What amused me, however, was that they did not deny PREVIOUSLY or CURRENTLY selling British beef... Been feeling a little ill lately, have you? .. :-) The most admired companies in America: 1. Coca Cola 2. Procter & Gamble 3. Rubbermaid 4. Johnson & Johnson 5. Intel 6. Merck 7. Microsoft (good grief!) 8. Mirage Resorts 9. Hewlett-Packard 10. Motorola =========================================================================== 9. Health I have ordered a book on Thomas Jefferson, who, like me, had an INTJ personality type. The blurb for the book describes him as a 'grieving optimist,' who was 'both shy and outspoken, moral and lustful, friendly yet cold.' I can identify with all of that :-) Beginning next month, pro boxers will have to take an AIDS test to fight in New Jersey. Fighters will be tested for the HIV virus during their annual medical exam. The decision came in the wake of heavyweight Tommy Morrison's disclosure last month that he tested positive for HIV. The collapse of communism six years ago has caused an epidemic of infectious diseases such as cholera and diphtheria that now threatens the rest of the world, the World Health Organization (WHO) said. It would cost only about $20 million to come up with an effective vaccination program, but Europe and the rest of the world was not waking up to the threat. WHO called for immediate international cooperation to battle the problem. ``What we are seeing today is an incredible re-emergence of infectious diseases that we thought we had conquered,'' said Jo Asvall, regional director of the WHO in Europe. Cholera, diphtheria, tuberculosis and sexually transmitted diseases such as syphilis were all on the increase in eastern Europe following the economic and political upheavals caused by the collapse of communism. These diseases were now crossing borders into western Europe. Two Japanese courts Thursday unveiled a final proposal paving the way for an out-of-court settlement in a suit filed by 400 hemophiliacs who contracted AIDS from tainted blood. The Tokyo District Court and Osaka District Court recommended the state and five pharmaceutical firms pay $1,428 every month to each of the hemophiliacs infected with HIV -- the virus that causes AIDS -- from imported blood products. The compromise urges the government to shoulder 40 percent of the total payments. The latest compromise came after an earlier proposal made last October by the two courts when they said the state and the companies should together pay $428,000 to each plaintiff. =========================================================================== 10. Humour Sign on bank: We can loan you enough money to get you completely out of debt. Sign in Sandia National Lab's Physics Department: "Do not look directly into laser beam with remaining eye." The RESISTANCE of a female student is the ratio V/I where V is the value of the PD (proposed date) required and I is the current Intensity of attraction felt by that student. OHM'S LAW states that the resistance of a female student is constant provided the student is neither heated nor stressed -- both of which lower resistance. SUBJ: Top Ten Reasons Why Studying is Better Than Sex 10. You can usually find someone (anyone!!!) to do it with. 9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off. 8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame. 7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it. 6. A little coffee and you can do it all night. 5. If you don't finish a chapter, you won't gain a reputation as a "Book Teaser." 4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time. 3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle. 2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it. 1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help! > >With the recent announcement by Diana's publicist and Buckingham >Palace of the impending divorce of Charles and Diana, there's now a >question of what her title will become. > >Perhaps she should be known as "the Lady formerly known as Princess." Don't know what the big deal is. They're just splitting heirs. Top 10 reasons computers are male =========================== 10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 9. A better model is always just around the corner. 8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home. 7. It is always necessary to have a backup. 6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons. 5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play. 4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 3. The lights are on but nobody's home. 2. Big power surges knock them out for the night. 1. Size does matter Here's the quid pro quo: Top 10 reasons compilers must be female: ======================================== 10. Picky, picky, picky. 9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean. 8. Beauty is only shell deep. 7. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing". 6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed. 5. Always turning simple statements into big productions. 4. Smalltalk is important. 3. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong. 2. They make you take the garbage out. 1. Miss a period and they go wild [$ Next item is X-rated but too good not to use. If you are under 18, or easily offended by sexual material, please close your eyes till you get to the next section. Good - now that I have your attention.. :-) ] "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky..." When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks - usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut; however, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian nor American space programs. Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of is neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr and Mrs. Gorksy. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex? Oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!" =========================================================================== 11. NetNews The popular InfoSeek search engine has jacked up their site: they now feature Frames, if your browser can handle them. They have also improved the intelligence of the search engine, as it comes back with more related topics, as well as pages that match your search string. Top French fashion designers are to retaliate after their latest designs were spread around the world via the Internet. This allowed counterfeiters to start making the designs even before the French were able to get them into the stores. The designers have also instituted action against a French company which released a CD-ROM featuring the new designs. Apple Computer will close its eWorld online service at the end of March. They also announced a rather large loss for the company as a whole. Netscape had security problems with JavaScript, and released version 2.01 of their popular browser to fix these. Just wish they would fix the other bugs :-). A survey in the USA revealed that 6,4 million US households now access the Web, which is four times as many as six months ago. $ Resources: http://www.sanlam.co.za/budget South African budget and analysis http://www.independent.co.za/cycletour Argus Cycle Tour http://www.atlantagames.com A 1996 Olympics site hrrp://www.fujifilm.com relaunched Fuji Film site http://pathfinder.com/pathfinder/features/oscars/ Hollywood Oscars http://life.anu.edu.au/viruses/ICTVdB/ database of computer viruses http://www.hccybervision.com Health Care CyberVision [$ ASCII art best viewed with fixed-pitch font] ( ) ( (/oo\) ) ( \''/ ) WW ( \/ ) wwwwww /__\ ( ) w"ww ww"w | oo | _WWWWW_ ( ) W o""o W (o)(o) (|_()_|) / o o \ (+)(+) oo ( ) W ______ W w" "w \__/ (| __O__ |) /\ w"()"w ( ) "w \_\/_/ w" W -====- W /|\/|\ \ \___/ / \-==- / W -==- W ' -- ' ww""wwwwww""ww "w w" |||||||| /-------\ \/ "wwww" = = |||||||||||| w""""""""""w |||||||| |=========|<\/\/\/> w" "w = = |||||||||||| W W|||||||| |=========| /\ Elmo Big Bird Oscar Cookie Monster Bert Ernie Kermit Some random banter from Usenet: > Thank the Light I'm an English major, then. Fortunately for you, not only are your studies easier than those of a science or engineering major, but your future employment will be easier than theirs, too. While physicists like Andrea wrack their brains asking questions such as "Why do these particles degenerate so fast?" and while electrical engineers such as John Novak ask "How can this antenna be made to work with less power?", you will ask the comparatively easy questions such as "Would you like fries with that, sir?" > > Have you never had these people > > . . . phone you up three times in one evening? > . . . disturb your evening meal? > . . . get you out the bath? > . . . make you run in from the garden? Don't the neighbours think it odd that you sit in the bath, in the garden, eating your evening meal? > > Why do we have toilet seats in the first place? Do people really > > need the 2" extra space around the bowl? > Quite obviously written by a man. We woman are sick of falling in the > toilet in the middle of the night cause some man (we aren't quite sure > which one) left the seat up. Our delicate tush's are much smaller so > we need those extra two inches. Okay. We've kept the secret since the advent of indoor plumbing, but the amusement potential is long gone. I'll risk the wrath of men everywhere by divulging our secret method for avoiding this household catastrophe. Before sitting on the toilet, we look at the toilet seat! A quick visual inspection can reveal with uncanny accuracy whether it is up or down! If this seems arcane and bizarre to you, you can practice by putting the seat up, looking at it, putting it down and looking again, etc. After only a couple hours of this you will find that you can tell instantly the state of the seat merely by looking at the toilet before sitting on it! Sorry, guys, but it had to come out sooner or later. How many people does it take to change a lightbulb on Usenet? 1 to say the light's out, 100 to say "Yes, I noticed that", and 1,000 to post requests for FTP sites with free software that replaces lightbulbs. Meanwhile, it's still dark. (Interviewer): "Gary Kasparov, you've just beaten the world's most powerful chess computer, what are you going to do next?" (Kasparov): "I'm going to http://www.disneyworld.com" [$ Someone wanted to start a new newsgroup called rec.music.white-power. That lead to some debate, with calls for it to be banned. This is part of one of the responses.] "Lastly, this "society" (the Internet / Usenet) is generally tolerant of all views, and you yourself are promoting this idea by saying that minorities should feel comfortable to have their own groups and presence on the net. Does this only extend to groups that don't have unusual or unpleasant ideas? It has been my observation that liberals who spout off about equality and equal access and civil rights really only believe that certain groups should have those rights; specifically they promote tolerance, but only toward groups that they think deserve it. If you are a true believer in not repressing minorities, then you can't repress anyone yourself, including minorities that DO repress other minorities. Besides, it's not even a balanced "tolerance only for other tolerant groups": if this were a militant Muslim BLACK group that wanted to start a newsgroup, people would cheer and encourage them, no matter how much they teach that "the white man is evil and should be killed." (Take a closer look at what Malcom X really "preached".) I don't agree with the position of either extreme (there is no race, creed, color, sex, or anything else that is better than any other.) But if you are going to dish out freedom of speech, then dish it out "liberally" to EVERYONE, not just to those who say what you like; OR judge eveyone by the same criteria." =========================================================================== 12. Recipes Sole Veronique: serves 4. (dedicated to you-know-who). 4x100g sole fillets 250ml white grape juice salt and pepper to taste 40 white grapes, deseeded. Put the sole in a wide shallow pan, pour grape juice over. Season with salt and pepper. Simmer for about 15 minutes until fish is tender (do not overcook). Add the grapes and cook for a further 5 minutes. Place fish on a heated serving dish, pour sauce and grapes over. =========================================================================== 13. Things to Think About From: knauss@netcom.com (Greg Knauss) So it's 1991 and I'm twenty-three and I'm suffering through the final lecture of what is undoubtedly the single worst class I've ever taken in my life. It's been a long, slow, senseless quarter and the professor has seen fit to top it off with a long, slow, senseless lecture. "Just try listening, for a change," my TA told me before the class. "Just sit up front and try listening." And so I'm trying. Gritting my teeth and trying. The professor, Ramon Gutierez, hates me. He doesn't actually know me, but he hates me on principle, since I'm white and male and heterosexual. He's spent ten weeks carefully explaining how much he hates me and how I -- me, personally, to hear him tell it -- am responsible for all the suffering, everywhere. Mr. Gutierez is ostensibly teaching us about the culture of the Chicanos, from Mexico to the American West. What he is in fact doing is venting his personal political vendettas all over the podium. The only innocents, near as I can tell, are infant lesbian Chicanas. It's about half an hour into a fifty minute lecture and I've been listening. Oh, have I been listening. "...and so, I would think, it should be perfectly obvious that the domination -- the continued domination -- of the Chicano people is a crime largely perpetrated by European invaders, almost entirely male. Indeed, this domination is so prevalent, the emphasis on male power so completely ingrained in your society, that even the most powerful weapons mirror it. Phallo-centrism appears even in the design of nuclear bombs." And there's a pause. I'm about ten rows back, buried in a room filled with four hundred people. So I shout. "That's ridiculous!" The professor looks up from his notes, at me -- he's got good ears, I'll give him that. He tilts his head forward a bit, looking over his glasses, and says, "Well, then, why _are_ they shaped that way?" I take a deep breath. "It's a question of aerodynamics. You build a missile in the shape of a vagina, and it just. Won't. Fly." Mr. Gutierez lowers his head back to his notes, clears his throat and continues. Afterwards, my TA comes up to me and says, "Never mind." I end up with a C minus. "Too many people think of marriage as a solution to their problems. Marriage is not a problem solving experience; marriage is a creative experience. It creates problems." =========================================================================== Sections marked with a '$' are original and CopyLeft 1995 by Ian Douglas. See Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged" for explanation of the '$'. The rest is part direct lift from various Net sources, and part paraphrased or directly lifted from various print media. Permission to reproduce is granted as long as source is credited. Back issues available on my web site. To subscribe, send me email. Distribution: F13 is distributed with Rob Fisher's RobList, the List of all South African BBS's, which can be found on all decent SA BBS's, where it is downloaded by hundreds (thousands?) of surfers. F13 is also available as a read-only mailing list on the Internet, with over 160 subscribers at the moment. Current countries represented are: Australia, Canada, Brazil, Germany, Hong Kong, India, Latvia, Lithuania, Malaysia, Mexico, Netherlands, Portugal, South Africa, South Korea, Sweden, Switzerland, Singapore, Russia, UK, United Arab Emirates, USA. And lastly, one hard copy each to the Princess and The Empress. To the Princess: Nice to have met you. I'm sure you will make a fine lawyer. To the Empress: Que Sera, Sera. Au Revoir. -------------------------------------------------------------------- iandoug@lia.co.za P.O. Box 484, Sanlamhof 7532, South Africa 36 : 1,73 : 58 : blue : dark brown PGP key available Galileo II http://www.lia.co.za/users/iandoug I'm an iN*T*j. I can do anything. :-)