F 13
****
Compiled, edited & written by Ian Douglas
Issue #7: March 1996
iandoug@lia.co.za
zasnlids@ibmmail.com
http://www.lia.co.za/users/iandoug/
$ Introduction:
A big welcome to all the new subscribers. Sorry I did not welcome you all
personally like I used to, but consider yourselves welcomed :-). Rob
is organising a listserv to automate things...
Right now there is a Gospel / Faith healing type concert going on at a
stadium over 1000m away, and the noise is deafening. Worse than a rock
concert. Christians can be so considerate of other people's right to peace
and quiet... How come religions think they have the right to disturb the
peace and quiet of others?
February was pretty depressing. Valentine's Day came and went and nothing
happened except a "Happy Valentine's Day" message from the Queen of the
Desert (bless her). I was kinda hoping this year would be different and
that I would get a card, but no such luck. Actually I was REALLY hoping
that The Empress would send me one, but I guess she really does feel
nothing for me. Life can be so cruel...
Veronica is still pestering me. How can I get her to decide for herself to
leave me alone? On the 4th she wanted to come and visit to discuss
religion. We spent maybe a few minutes doing that - she can't debate, and
simply attacks ME (instead of the issue) when she disagrees. Then she
started to fiddle around on my Casio keyboard, and I was stupid enough to
show her how *I* play it. Now I have to teach her... [sigh...]
She also gave me a long speech about how she feels about me and that if I
had to ask, she would marry me...
The next day it dawns on me that she really did not want to discuss
religion, she just wanted to be with me. Sigh.. women are so devious...
She also told me straight out that I am unhappy. Guess she is right there -
I am not doing what I want to at work (underutilised), and the damn Empress
does not want to know me, so of course I am unhappy. And my flat has
suddenly become a very noisy place, what with a pool room / bar / disco
place nearby making a racket till late at night, and now a two-day
religious rock concert making even more noise. Odd how Jesus managed to
heal so many people without guitars and amplifiers and packed stadiums...
Anyone know a nice quiet place for me to stay? :-) (Robben Island is not a
viable option...)
Now Veronica wants to come here again tonight so I can teach her how to
play the keyboard.. not looking forward to it. Maybe I will iron again...
[later]
So I go and fetch her. On the way there I drive past the Rock Concert and
notice two people still riding around in wheel chairs. Guess the deity had
an off-day, or found the music so loud that he put in ear plugs and missed
the prayers. Felt really sorry for the poor people living right opposite
the stadium - they were really blasted. What *I* can't understand is why
these faith-healer types don't do something useful for a change and go to a
home for the blind or deaf and heal all the people there. Guess they make
more money from packed stadiums. From what I heard of his spiel, it sounded
pretty much like standard hypnosis / mass hypnosis stuff. Par for the
course. But I digress.
So we come back, have some tea and watch the news. Then I help her a bit
with her chords, and she starts playing by herself. I leave her and re-install
Windows 3.1 on my PC for the umpteenth time, since it had died on me that
afternoon, just for the heck of it.
When I think the neighbours have had enough noise, I take her home. She was
rather quiet, and didn't even thank me for all my effort, time, petrol,
etc. On the way back I get to thinking that I would much rather be driving
the Empress around...
I have been training for the Argus Cycle Tour, a 105km trip around the Cape
Peninsula. This has meant waking up at 4:30am some Sunday mornings, to go
for long rides in the country. That messed up my vital appointments on
Sunday mornings - Sunday morning is the most important part of the week for
me.
I received an invitation for a cup of coffee from the editor of my
favourite computer newspaper, for the next time I am up in Johannesburg, to
discuss my theories on the future of computing. Wonder what she REALLY
wants? .. :-)
Lots of thanks to the following people for their kind fan mail (hope I
didn't miss anyone): Jaap Nothling, Andrew Houliston, Deon Manson,
Theuns Verwoerd, Don Black
From: Jaap Nothling
Hallo Ian
We still enjoy your column. The Feb edition is a whopper. Where do you
ever get the time to write so much? It must be a full-time job to do
produce such a magnificent column!
You're a man with a good sense of humour, so we thought you will enjoy this
one. It comes from one of the Lexus boards. [$ joke cut]
Well Ian, it was suggested by one of the ladies in the office
to send you this joke and she says you musn't blush ;-))
PS: Between us, I'm still trying to figure out the joke. Maybe I'm too
conservative. Perhaps I'm still under the influence of the German "galg
humor"
Keep it up, and keep well!
From: Andrew Houliston
Dropped in to your Web page quickly, certainly looking a bit more spiffy!
Keep it up, Andrew
From: Deon Manson
Thanks for another great issue of F13 ! Very funny indeed :)
Please remind me next time to listen to your warning, I read the whole mag
in one sitting..forgetting about my homework and getting square eyes...
BTW I don't need to watch T.V anymore...I now only Watch the Young and da
Restless starring Ian , Empress, Erica, Veronica and Lydia :) What a bloody
good Soapie. But one thing though..you confuse me..
Who is the Empress ?
As for Veronica...from what I read she asks you out for Ice-Cream, you pay..
you go swim with her and people then stare at you..Later she says that you
love Lydia, you become only friends and then you say phew ! ?? What the
story here, you only want to become friends ? :)
As for Lydia, she says your in love with Veronica, right ? And thus wants
little to do with you, but then she has a boyfriend as well ?? Errmm..
So what does it matter to her ? :))
As for Erica..she seems to complain allot 8-() I am confused now :)
So which one would you want then...
Just tell me so that I understand half of the mag when I read it next time !
PS.. As for subscription..do you get it through E-Mail as whell then..if so
please put me on the list then..
Cheers
Deon
From: Theuns Verwoerd
Dear Ian
I don't have a modem. The only reason I get Roblist is to read your
column.
Theuns
From: Don Black [$ South Africa's modem wizard]
Subject: NSA New Words
Couple of newies for your ... and others .... delectation:-
As heard on any TV Channel
musses masses
four feet forfeit
putreeatism patriotism
rawd rod
enviament environment
And the one I like most from SaFM some time back:-
*F..K* up FA Cup
BTW why such a short F13 this month! Didn't quite fill my nights' reading.
:-))
Regards ... and more power to your pen
Don
I also received a complaint about last month's issue, from someone whose
name I shall not reveal..
---
Just a short message to tell you that the inclusion of the "feature"
called "Similarities between Elvis and Jesus" was uncalled for and in
bad taste! As a Christian I do not approve of this derision of my religion.
Please try to avoid similar profanities in the future in your otherwise
interesting feature accompanying Roblist.
---
Well, I put it in the "Interesting Stuff" section because I thought it was
interesting. I did not think it was blasphemous, as it did not say anything
bad about Jesus. One of my original quotes from a previous issue was "It is
for the gods to judge what is blasphemy, not man." Or, put another way,
"Blasphemy is in the eye of the beholder."
I also asked a friend whose father is a minister for his opinion, and this
is what he said:
"I understand [his] comments but it tends to confirm my feelings that a
lot of so called Christians are very intolerant and narrow minded. I know
that no one is perfect but it seems that C's believe they have a licence to
be rude, arrogant and outspoken."
One comparison that the piece did not include is this one: Elvis, as a
normal man, very likely masturbated, or at least had erotic, wet dreams.
The question now is, did Jesus? Ponder the implications of your answer.
Well, I got last month's prediction wrong (again...). At least I got the
EVENT (internationally known people - Saddam Hussein's sons-in-law - got
divorced [before being murdered]) right, if not the person. Maybe I'm
getting the hang of this prediction thing.. :-)
Prediction for March: The Empress will phone me.
Current prediction success rate: 0/5.
And lastly, on behalf of all my readers, we wish Rob a speedy recovery
after his operation.
CONTENTS:
~~~~~~~~~
1. Quotations
2. How To Play Games
3. Computer Security
4. Interesting Stuff
5. The Farsian Chronicles
6. Motivational / Inspirational
7. Science / Technology
8. Advertising / The Media
9. Health
10. Humour
11. NetNews
12. Recipes
13. Things to Think About
====================================================================
1. Quotations
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"Human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind."
William James
"If you don't control your mind, someone else will."
John Allston
"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful citizens can change the
world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."
Margaret Mead
"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin -- real
life. But there was always some obstacle in the way. Something to be got
through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to
be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these
obstacles were my life."
Fr. Alfred D'Souza
"You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it."
Margaret Thatcher
"But on this last morning all these familiar tasks seemed very precious
to him. And when he watered the flower for the last time, and prepared
to place her under the shelter of her glass globe, he realised that he
was very close to tears.
"Goodbye," he said to the flower.
But she made no answer.
"Goodbye," he said again.
The flower coughed. But it was not because she had a cold.
""I have been silly," she said to him, at last. "I ask your forgiveness.
Try to be happy..."
"Of course I love you," the flower said to him. "It is my fault that you
have not known it all the while. That is of no importance. But you - you
have been just as foolish as I. Try to be happy..."
from "The Little Prince," by Antoine de Saint-Exupery
"Jonathan nodded obediently. For the next few days he really tried to
behave like the other gulls; he really tried, screeching and fighting
with the flock around the piers and fishing boats, diving on scraps of
fish and bread. But he couldn't make it work.
It's all so pointless, he thought, deliberately dropping a hard-won
anchovy to a hungry old gull chasing him. I could be spending this time
learning to fly. There's so much to learn!"
from Richard Bach's "Jonathan Livingstone Seagull"
"She is brave, lovely and, ah-h-h, so perceptive."
The Lady Jessica, analysing Chani, Paul's wife
from "Dune," by Frank Herbert
"You'd never accept any part of their vicious creed. You wouldn't be able
to force it upon yourself. If you tried to damn sex as evil, you'd still
find yourself, against your will, acting on the proper moral premise.
You'd be attracted to the highest woman you met. You'd always want a
heroine. You'd be incapable of self-contempt. You'd be unable to believe
that existence is evil and that you're a helpless creature caught in an
impossible universe. You're the man whose spent his life shaping matter to
the purpose of his mind. You're the man who would know that just as an
idea unexpressed in physical action is contemptible hypocrisy, so is
platonic love - and just as physical action unguided by an idea is a
fool's self-fraud, so is sex when cut off from one's code of values. It's
the same issue, and you would know it. Your inviolate sense of self-esteem
would know it. You would be incapable of desire for a woman you despised.
Only a man who extols the virtue of a purity of a love devoid of desire,
is capable of the depravity of a desire devoid of love. But observe that
most people are creatures cut in half who keep swinging desperately to one
side or to the other. One kind of half is the man who despises money,
factories, skyscrapers and his own body. He holds undefined emotions about
non-conceivable subjects as the meaning of life and as his claim to
virtue. And he cries with despair, because he can feel nothing for the
woman he respects, but finds himself in bondage to an irresistible passion
for a slut from the gutter. He is the man whom people call an idealist."
Francisco d'Anconia in Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged"
===========================================================================
$ 2. How To Play Games
Rule 10: You can't play a game that's switched off. The game is unlikely to
switch itself on. You have to do it.
Long ago, when I was at still at varsity, I had this terrible crush on
Uta, who was a blonde Zimbabwean with the face of an angel. And part of
the reason why I failed 2nd year. However (as is usual) she was not
interested in me. One day I was in a cafe near my house, talking to my
future boss, when who should walk in but Uta. Boss is suitably impressed
with my taste (what else did he expect?), and wants to know why I don't
ask her out. That's when I came up with the line "you can't play a game
that's switched off."
This does not only apply in love - think of any sales situation. Think of
a parent dealing with a child who "is on another wavelength." Think of a
boss trying to motivate a worker.
The problem then becomes, "how do I turn the game on?"
That is left as an exercise for the reader :-)
Rule 11: Tomorrow is another day
Old advice, but keep it in mind. When things are going badly, remember
that it will not last forever. Come back tomorrow, try again, and maybe
things will go better for you.
Also, don't expend all your energy and resources at once. Keep some in
reserve for tomorrow, the day after, etc.
============================================================================
$ 3. Computer Security
Time for my usual speech at this time of year: Next month is March. Exe_Bug,
which is widespread in South Africa, will activate, starting on the first.
Exe_Bug will trash your hard disk.. so PLEASE take the trouble to check your
computer with a decent scanner before then. Secondly, Michelangelo activates
on the 6th, also basically trashing your computer. On the 15th,
Maltese.Amoeba activates. You have been warned :-)
Watch for sad stories next in next month's issue...
Oliver Steudler of Dynamic Solutions reports many cases of WinWord.Concept,
as well as some Exe_Bug and Stoned.
Mitch Dove of Gas Software reports the following recent virus infections
(up to 22 February):
Johannesburg: Bravo, Russian_Flag, Stoned.Mummy, 1364.A, Bupt.Boot,
Exebug.A, Number_1.Aids, Natas.4744, Winword.Concept
Pretoria: Borrata, Winword.Concept, Russian_Flag
Namibia: Russian_Flag, Winword.Concept
Cape Town Junkie, Winword.Concept
"The WinWord.Concept (Prank Macro) is spreading like wild fire. It
seems to effect larger corporates who are continously exchanging
documentation."
Robert Sandilands of the CSIR reports the following infections:
(Up to 22 February)
Angelina (1)
AntiCMOS (1)
Bravo (3)
Bunny (1)
Die Hard (1)
Doom II Death (1)
Ekaterin (1)
Exebug (5)
Exebug.Hooker (2)
Exebug.Trojan (4)
Michelangelo (1)
MtE (1)
Natas (3)
No-Int (1)
One Half (2)
Red Spider (3)
Sampo (1)
Stealth Boot (1)
Stoned (2)
Unashamed (2)
Welcome (1)
Microsoft has begun raided randomly selected British companies to see if
they are using pirate software. They apparently lost GBP 200 million over
the last three years due to piracy.
US losses as a result of computer viruses in 1994 totalled US$2.7 million.
A British firm has developed a system where they can stick tiny tags, with
a special adhesive, to computer components, in an effort to prevent their
theft. The tags allow the rightful owner to be traced. Such thefts
totalled around GBP 200 million last year.
Security problems resulting in financial loss can be broken down as
follows:
network failure 24%
software error 14%
computer virus 12%
computer failure 11%
stolen data 7%
sabotage 5%
network break-in 4%
others 23%
In the last year, 67% of the companies surveyed had been attacked by a
computer virus.
The first virus which infects Windows 95 executables, called Boza, made
its appearance. It is from an underground group in Australia.
There are pirate CD-ROM's with collections of Windows software being
distributed in South Africa (and all over the Far East too).
Two students at Perdue University in the USA have discovered a flaw in the
popular Kerberos (version 4) network authentification system. They are
able to break into networks using it in about 4 seconds. Apparently the
bug has been known about in the industry, but kept a secret. Version 5 has
improved security.
===========================================================================
4. Interesting Stuff
South Africa won the Confederation of African Football (CAF) soccer cup.
This produced a few firsts: It was the first time we had entered, we were
the first Southern African team to win, and the first winning team with a
white captain.
The original name for CAF was CAFA (Confederation of African Football
Associations), but that was changed because it was too close to the word
'kaffir,' which is a Moslem word meaning 'unbeliever,' and also the now
politically-incorrect SA slang word for Blacks (kinda like the American
'nigger').
Our national soccer team is called Bafana Bafana, which is roughly
translated as The Boys The Boys, The Guys The Guys, or Young Men Young Men.
Rather silly name for a team, IMHO...
Two thirds of the illiterate people in the world are female.
Why are finger rings round when fingers are not?
According to American Presidential hopeful Pat Buchanan, "God is American."
Went to the police to complain about my noise problems. Saw the boss lady
- a superintendant. She had bright pink nail polish on all her
fingernails, except for the pinkies, which were painted gold. The police
are not what they used to be... :-)
Our government has extended travel benefits for MP's, allowing them to
have more than one wife, companion, or partner. However, these must be
registered, and any changes must also be registered. In other words, they
want to know when you change mistresses.
If you like shopping, hop over to Dubai before 28 March 1996. The whole
place is having a massive sale, and even giving away a Lexus GS300 and one
kilogram of gold every day.
58% of speeches are made up as the speaker speaks.
44% are created on aeroplanes before the meeting.
14% are made in the hotel before going on stage.
Now howcome that adds up to more than 100%? ...
===========================================================================
$ 5. The Farsian Chronicles
[For those of you who have not heard of Farsia yet, it is an imaginary
country on an imaginary planet somewhere in the solar system, and
inhabited by various animals. Any similarity to any real persons or
situations is a figment of your imagination. It is called Farsia
because the going-on there are a farce. It has absolutely nothing to
do with any country at the foot of Africa...]
The Lion has acquired a Young Deer as a companion in his old age. No one
is allowed to suggest that she is his concubine.
There was chaos on the campuses of some of our tertiary educational
institutions. Seems the students were expecting free education, and
demanding it as a 'right'. What this means is that they expected all us
other animals to pay for them to get degrees and diplomas, which are
basically licences to make money. However they made no mention of working
for free and providing their services for free to us after they
graduated...
It has been very wet here in some parts of Farsia. Some dams were as full
as 160%. We have strange ways of measuring here in Farsia.
A prominent member of the People's Representatives was caught with his
fingers in the till and resigned in a hurry. As is usual in such cases
here in Farsia, he will probably be offered an ambassadorship overseas...
===========================================================================
6. Motivational / Inspirational
[$ kinda negative motivation this month.. :-) ]
What Does a Girl Do?
====================
written by Townsend (Pete?)
recorded by The Shirelles
When a boy meets a girl that he wants to get to know
He just walks right up to her introduces himself then he tells her so.
Oh, but what does a girl do when she meets a boy
Who makes her feel the same way too?
Somebody tell me, tell me, tell me
What does a girl do?
And when a boy meets a girl for the very first time
Its not wrong for him to say "Darling, I want you to be mine"
Oh, but what does a girl do, Oh when she meets a boy
Who makes her feel the same way too?
Somebody tell me, tell me, tell me
What does a girl do?
Now she can't stand on the corner
And whistle when he goes walking by
Oh no no no
She must hope that he can see
The love light a'burning in her eyes
Oh yeah yeah yeah
She can't ask him
to let her walk him home, oh no
Or can she ask him
For the number, the number of his telephone
Oh no no why?
And when a boy meets a girl that he wants for the rest of his life
He just walks up to her and says "Darling, please be my wife"
Oh, but what does a girl do, Oh when she meets a boy
Who makes her feel the same way too?
Somebody tell me, tell me, tell me
What does a girl do?
Somebody help me, help me
What does a girl do?
[$ actually I have never been able to do like those guys do...]
Preparation for Parenthood
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and deco-
rating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take
to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.
1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a
beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take
out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local
chemist, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the
pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have
your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper.
Read it for the last time.
2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are
already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of
patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their
children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's
sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy
it - it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from
5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm put
the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and
walk around the living room again, with the bag, till 1am. Put the alarm on
for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep get up at 2am and make a drink. Go
to bed at 2.45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs
in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter
onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the
stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds
then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does
that look?
5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus
and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that
none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.
6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn it
into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a
piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk
container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Pops and make an
exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified
for a place on the playgroup committee.
7. Forget the Miata and buy a Taurus. And don't think you can leave it out
in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy
a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it
there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size
packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden
rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.
8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the
front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down
the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down
the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette end, piece
of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace
your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the
neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You
are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can
find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend
to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's
groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything
the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even
contemplate having children.
11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the
ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Weetabix and
attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an aeroplane.
Continue until half the Weetabix is gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making
sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a
12-month old baby.
12. Learn the names of every character from Postman Pat, Fireman Sam and
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing "Postman Pat"
at work, you finally qualify as a parent.
===========================================================================
7. Science / Technology
A company in the USA called Prayers Heavenbound offers a new service for
religious types. For just $9.95, they will scan written prayers into a
computer, digitise them, and broadcast them on a microwave radio beam into
the heavens. They also handle confessions, cutting out the middle man.
They also send you a broadcast certificate confirming the broadcast, and
promise total confidentiality (? on a broadcast signal?). Now all you have
to worry about is the wrong deity receiving your prayers. When I told my
mother about this, she said "some people are so gullible," to which I
remained silent...
Gary Kasparov beat the world's best chess computer, called Deep Blue, and
built by IBM, in a recent match. He said it was pretty good.
Compaq has introduced a scanner keyboard, which can scan documents and
digitise them as well as being a keyboard.
Television manufacturers are planning new 'smart' TV's. There will be a
graphic user interface with icons, storage for instant replays, and even
the ability to run programs (?!).
The price of CD-ROM drives have dived overseas, down to as low as US$40 in
some cases, for quad-speed models. This is due to an oversupply.
===========================================================================
$ 8. Advertising / The Media
New words heard on SAfm Probable meaning
(mostly on AM Live)
fourfeet forfeit
agent urgent
wherk work
nitch niche
comet tea committee
negosee-ation negotiation
New words heard on TV1 (8pm news) / Agenda
kuhtailing curtailing
Our South African Broadcasting Corporation relaunched itself with an
expensive waste-of-money extravaganza, and produced some really weird
program schedules. They now cater for 11 languages on 2 channels, which
produces things like this:
Afrikaan news, followed by Jewish devotions, followed by Zulu soap opera.
Did they really expect Jewish people to tune in for those three minutes?
The new schedules frightened the advertisers away, which means we are
treated to ads for the TV stations and music videos to fill up the time.
And since unleaded petrol has arrived in SA, we also have lots of ads for
unleaded petrol. Of the three that I have seen (Caltex, BP, and Shell),
the only decent one is from Caltex. The other two are pretty juvenile and
don't make me want to buy their product.
Our Argus newspaper made a slight mixup, and posted an ad from the SPCA
(Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) on the bridal page, next to
pictures of pretty brides. The ad headline read "HOW MANY POOR BITCHES
WILL GET PREGNANT TONIGHT?"
This month's prize for the best movie poster is awarded to Mute Witness.
===========================================================================
9. Health
Universities in Hong Kong have confirmed that Hong Kong academic A-levels
are superior to British A-levels.
Police in Durban have released three 12-year old Indian girls who were held
captive and forced to work as protitutes. A 49 year old woman was
arrested. Brothels in some parts of India have girls as young as 8.
Some researchers believe that driving a car or truck too much can make men
infertile. This is due to the design of modern underpants and trousers,
coupled with sitting still for long periods. This increases the
temperature around the testicles, killing off the sperm. Sperm does not
like to get too hot, which is why the testicles hang outside the rest of
the body, in order to stay cool.
[ponders effects of padded cycling shorts and cycling on said delicate
bits.. ponder.. ponder.. decides to cycle less and wear unpadded pants on
short trips...]
In 1990, Dr. James M. Dabbs, Jr., a psychologist with Georgia State
University, revealed that high levels of testosterone--which causes overly
aggressive or antisocial behavior--is commonly found in juvenile
delinquents, substance abusers, rapists, bullies, dropouts, and *trial
lawyers.*
===========================================================================
10. Humour
SUBJ: More Laughs at the Kids' Expense :-)
Some quotes from kids:
* The future of "I give" is "I take."
* The parts of speech are lungs and air.
* The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
* A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
* A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.
* The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
* A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it
through an aviator.
* Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
* The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.
* The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and
you sit on the bottom.
* We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk
from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.
* One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
* A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly
constipated authorities.
* One by-product of raising cattle is calves.
* To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it
drips into the throat.
* The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
* The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
* Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious
feelings.
* The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top
and plural at the bottom.
* Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.
* The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the
other.
* In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.
* Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
* In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.
* A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.
[$ following item flew all over the net - apologies to those who have seen
it before...]
SUBJ: Clinton Deploys Vowels to Bosnia
Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to be First Recipients
Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Clinton
announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of
Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will
provide the region with the critically needed letters A, E, I, O, and U,
and is hoped to rend countless Bosnian names more pronounceable.
"For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlnhr and
Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world," Clinton
said. Today, the United States must finally stand up and say 'Enough.' It
is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in their
incomprehensible words. The US is proud to lead the crusade in this noble
endeavor."
The deployment, dubbed "Operation Vowel Storm" by the State Department, is
set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and
Grzny slated to be the first recipients. Two C-130 transport planes, each
carrying over 500 24-count boxes of "E's" will fly from Andrews Air Force
Base across the Atlantic, and airdrop the letter over the cities.
Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels.
"My God, I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44,
said. "I have six children and none of them has a name that is
understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Clinton, please send my poor,
wretched family just one 'E,' please!"
Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key letters, I
could be George Humphries. This is my dream."
The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign
country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US shipped 92,000
consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouaua, Eaoiiaue, and Aao
with vital, life-giving supplies of L's, S's and T's.
Q. What's the difference between an intelligent man and bigfoot?
A. There have been sightings of bigfoot.
[$ next items for the Empress... and her dog]
WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with.
Dogs don't criticize your friends.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never laugh at
how you throw).
Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the
most important thing is that you're together.
Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
You can train a dog.
Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.
The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the
*really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's
a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
Dogs understand what "no" means.
Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization.
Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species.
Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
You can house train a dog.
You can force a dog to take a bath.
Dogs don't correct your stories.
Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.
Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair.
Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.
Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.
Dogs admit it when they're lost.
Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.
Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.
Dogs take care of their own needs.
Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
Dogs are nice to your relatives.
Dogs aren't afraid to hold your purse in public.
HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both like to chew wood.
Both mark their territory.
Both are bad at asking you questions.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
Both tend to smell riper with age.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Neither does any dishes.
Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
Neither understands what you see in cats.
WHY MEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS
Men only have two feet to track in mud.
Men can buy you presents.
Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around
the block.
Men are a little bit more subtle.
Men open their own cans.
Dogs have dog breath all the time.
Men can do math stuff.
Holiday Inns accept men.
===========================================================================
11. NetNews
Congratulations to Le Club Internet Access (LIA) to making it to the top
of the SA Top Ten for Home Pages:
http://www.lia.co.za/ LIA South Africa
http://www.rothmans.co.za/ Rothmans Cape to Rio Yacht Race
http://www.aztec.co.za/biz/africa/ Alchemy of Africa
http://os2.iafrica.com/weather/index.html Cape Town Weather Watch
http://www.ctcc.gov.za/ Cape Town
http://www.aztec.co.za/biz/topcar/index.html Topcar Magazine
http://www.africa.com/ Virtual Africa
http://www.africa.com/~blades/ World Cup Cricket Sports Challenge
http://africa.cis.co.za/wna/html/wna.html Worldnet Africa
http://www.virtualynx.com/staticdesigns/ Static Designs
I have made some cosmetic changes to my castle page (the plebs have home
pages. Lord Ian has a castle page.).
Will also be adding a paper on the Galileo Galilei soon.
Just when you thought you understood netiquette and all those strange
abbreviations like ROTFLMTO, a new form of punctuation arrives. This is
based on HTML, the language used to design pages on the World Wide Web.
The language consists mainly of tags in the form
some other stuff goes here
Some people are using the style for other purposes, eg
joke comes in here
The price of modems available on the net is dropping to record lows: A
V34, 28.8k faxmodem with 5-year-guarantee Rockwell chipset is available for
US$100, plus $4 postage. I nearly bought one (already have a V34 faxmodem).
Sega and Sony have agreed to support Moving Worlds, a specification for
creating 3-D environments on the internet, and want it adopted as a
standard for VRML 2.0. VRML is Virtual Reality Markup Language, a script
language for creating pages on the Internet. Netscape and Silicon Graphics
also support the proposal.
PC Magazine's version of the 100 best sites on the internet is available
at http://www.pcmag.com/
Sun has announced a application program interface (JDBC) which makes it
easier for Java applets to access existing corporate data bases.
The UK now has a system called ViewCall which uses a set-top box and your
TV, to surf the Internet. You control where you want to go with your TV
remote control. The cost? US$1 a week, over your normal cable TV costs.
Contact address: viewcall@easynet.co.uk
Major news story this month was the USA attempt to censor the internet. It
raised a massive protest, from all sorts of people and organisations. Many
WWW sites turned their page backgrounds black in protest and mourning. A
group of 18 organisations took the US government to court over the issue,
and succeeded in getting a suspension on implementation of parts of the
act. The Senate is considering repealing the measures.
In a related matter, Compuserve lifted the bans on some of the newsgroups
that it cut last month. They are still blocking 5 newsgroups thought to
carry kiddie porn.
China (Red) has ordered its 100 000 Internet users to register with the
local police, and sign a pledge not to 'harm the nation' when using the
Internet. They are also apparently installing filters in an attempt
(futile, IMHO) to block anti-communist and pornographic materials.
Visa and Mastercard have finally agreed on standards for secure financial
transactions over the Internet. They should be available in products later
this year.
Sun Microsystems have designed computer chips optimised for Java, and plan
to use them in all sorts of devices.
Netscape finally released V2.0 of their popular WWW browser. Still didn't
put all my brilliant suggestions in.. :-(
Both Oracle and Sun have now demonstrated their '$500' network computers.
IBM is testing 3 new computer models at selected clients. See the papers
on my web site for predictions on these developments.
Netscape and Microsoft have found something NEW to fight about, now that
the 'secure credit card numbers over the net' issue has been sorted out.
This time it is about fonts for use on the World Wide Web. At present the
web only supports 2 fonts - one fixed pitch and one proportional. What you
see depends on how your browser is set up. This is very limiting for
creative design on the web. So now we need new standards about how to
identify, and if necessary transmit, fonts. Netscape has teamed up with
Adobe to support TrueType and Type 1 fonts, while Microsoft only wants to
support TrueType.
$ Resources:
http://os2.iafrica.com/wpca/scorebrd.htm World Cup Cricket scores
http://www.vivid.com Vivid studios (web design)
http://www.macromedia.com Macromedia (ShockWave)
http://www.hollywoodreporter.com all the dirt from Hollywood
http://bigfoot.com global internet white pages
http://dole96.org unofficial Bob Dole page
http://www.morsepr.com pictures of Bill Gates' house
http://www.strom.com marketing stuff
http://www.electionline.com USA election results
http://www.independent.co.za/ Independent Online News Service
http://www.infi.net/naa Newspaper Association of America
http://pharmdec.wustl.edu/YSP/MAD.SCI/MAD.SCI.html Mad Scientist Network
http://www.cyber24.com 24 hours in cyberspace
http://www.auto100.org/auto100.html celebrate 100 years of the car
http://www.w.com/%7Egilmore/head/heads.html exploding celebrity heads
http://www.aztec.co.za/biz/dgreen/strat1.html Strategic Health Review
From: ablater@global.co.za (Simon Howes)
Subject: An interesting Topic.
SEGA of America recently had the RatMan of Rat.org remove pictures of the ..
"ahum" type which featured Sonic the Hedgehog and various other characters
created by SEGA and Archie comics, engaged in various activities.
SEGA claimed they did not want to look like the bully, but if the files were
not removed by a predetermined date they would take legal action.
Mail me if you want to hear more about it. (I was there man! I was there! :)
=====================================================================
======
12. Recipes
Something you probably have not eaten before - has a really interesting
taste.
Stir Fried Lettuce with Oyster Sauce Serves 4
2 Cos lettuces
2 tablespoons oil
2 garlic cloves, crushed
2 teaspoons dry sherry (I use apple cider vinegar)
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon sugar
2 tablespoons oyster sauce or soy sauce
Separate lettuce leaves and break into 5 cm / 2 inch pieces.
Heat the oil in a pan and add garlic, sherry, salt, sugar, and then lettuce
leaves. Cover and cook for 1 minute (one minute).
Drain lettuce and arrange on serving dish. Pour sauce on top and serve hpt
or cold.
You can use broccoli or Chinese cabbage instead of the cos lettuce if you
like. I add spring onions to the recipe.
=====================================================================
======
13. Things to Think About
From: Greg Knauss
So Joanne and I are walking out of the supermarket and, without
warning, I suddenly launch into a fit of stereotypical Generation X
nostalgia.
"Just think:" I say. "Our kids will never know a time without
plastic grocery bags. They won't know that big bottles of soda used to
be made out of glass and weigh a ton. They won't be able to imagine
when there was only one flavor of Doritos..." I trail off, misty-eyed.
"Wow," says Joanne.
But I think she was being sarcastic.
If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what was yesterday?
Un - A Suicide's Note
by Ian Douglas
Unappreciated
Unfulfilled
Taken for granted
Ignored
Rejected
Ridiculed
Misfit
Unrewarded
Unadmired
Unrespected
Unwanted
Unloved
Unhappy
Unexist...
===========================================================================
Items marked with a '$' are original and CopyLeft 1995 by Ian Douglas.
See Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged" for explanation of the '$'.
The rest is part direct lift from various Net sources, and part paraphrased
or directly lifted from various print media.
Permission to reproduce is granted as long as source is credited.
Back issues available on my web site. To subscribe, send me email.
Distribution: F13 is distributed with Rob Fisher's RobList, the List of all
South African BBS's, and can be found on all decent BBS's, where it is
downloaded by hundreds (thousands?) of surfers.
F13 is also available as a read-only mailing list on the Internet, with
over 120 subscribers at the moment. Current countries represented are: USA,
South Africa, Germany, United Arab Emirates, Latvia, Australia,
Switzerland, UK, Canada, Sweden, Portugal, South Korea, Netherlands,
Singapore, Russia, Malaysia, Denmark, China, Mexico.
And lastly, one hard copy each to the Princess and The Empress.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
iandoug@lia.co.za P.O. Box 484, Sanlamhof 7532, South Africa
36 : 1,73 : 58 : blue : dark brown PGP key available Galileo II
http://www.lia.co.za/users/iandoug I'm an iN*T*j. I can do anything. :-)