F 13 **** Compiled, edited & written by Ian Douglas Issue #6: February 1996 iandoug@lia.co.za zasnlids@ibmmail.com http://www.lia.co.za/users/iandoug/ NOTE: my email address is out of action till about the 7th of FEB!!! $ Introduction: WARNING: This issue is LONG :-) Don't try and read it all at once :-) A big welcome to all the new subscribers. I was quite surprised by how many I got this month - averaging at least one a day for most of the month. When it gets to 100 I will speak to Rob about a ListServ... Best wishes to all my Moslem readers during Ramadaan. This issue is rather long, due to a lengthy Netnews section which has some excellent ASCII art. You should set your reader to 80 columns fixed pitch to see it properly. I have added page breaks for printing. There is also a lot of waffle in this soap opera section, which you can skip. In my first New Year's Honours List, I promoted myself to the rank of Lord. Why should an old fuddy duddy in England (who could not even raise her children to know right from wrong) be the only one to dish out titles? I have also promoted The Most Important Woman In The World (TMIWITW) to the rank of Empress. Firstly, because she never fails to Impress, secondly because it suits her, thirdly because it is an appropriate title for a future world leader, fourthly because I am tired of having to explain every month what TMIWITW means, and lastly because my fingers get confused typing "TMIWITW." On one of my trips on my bicycle, I happened to ride past The Empress, who was walking in this little black number (Ooh-la-la!). The last time I tried to talk to her under such circumstances, I got a lecture, so this time I kept my distance. However another cyclist tried to chat her up and was quickly put in his place, much to my amusement :-). She was walking along a kinda deserted road that I consider unsafe - it would be very easy for Evil Men to drag her into a car, and I was Extremely Anxious about her safety. Wish I could have escorted her wherever it was she was going, just to make sure she arrived safely... I am still not allowed to speak to her... I did consider changing my position that, "since she chased me away, she must invite me back;" but how can I? Surely that is the only fair way of doing things?... An apology would also be nice.. Also bumped into the Princess, who was not feeling well and thus not very talkative. She has been frustratingly scarce, which is a pity since I enjoy her conversation. The Queen of the Desert is back, after a great holiday in a war zone. No, I really DON'T understand women.. :-) Now you see how outranked I feel, being a mere Lord, and having to deal with a Queen, a Princess, and The Empress... :-) Veronica took the most out of me this month in terms of emotional stress, and I am glad that things have quietened down now. On Jan 1, she insisted that I take her out for ice cream, and even offered to pay. So I had to oblige - it meant so much to her, and was such a little thing for me to do. So we went to a shopping centre, ate ice cream, and discussed personality types. Seems she is an INTP, and I am mostly INTJ (with bits of INTP, ENTJ, and ENTP). For those who don't know their Myers-Briggs type indicators, it means she is Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving, while I am Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging. Then we came back to my place and discussed religion (s'true!). Oh yes, I paid for the ice cream... Then on the 6th, Erica complains to me that her back is sore and can't I please rub something on for her... She did not explain HOW it got sore...:-) Later that afternoon I am lying on the grass at Bellville pool. Veronica is lying next to me in her new black bikini, and I am watching the people walking past. They look at me, then at Veronica, and you can just SEE the thoughts going through their minds: "They must be having a SERIOUS sex affair.." Isn't it odd how people can so quickly jump to the wrong conclusion? That evening I went to visit Lydia, who insists that I am in love with Veronica... Sunday the Empress is walking around in bright red looking absolutely stunning and driving my hormones into a state of total confusion. She looks good no matter what she wears. And then came the watershed event of the month: Veronica wants to come and watch videos at my place on Sat night. I delay for a day to think about it. Suggest we go visit Lydia instead. She agrees. Saturday morning, Lydia rocks up out of the blue. Not charmed with my plans to come and visit. Anyway, she goes off for a few hours, and comes back in the evening. We go and fetch Veronica, and come back. Situation is rather tense... Lydia retreats to the bedroom. Luckily Lydia's boyfriend phoned, so we took her home, then came back and watched a video. Veronica was rather quiet, even though I fed her home made popcorn and Dun Robin ice cream (2 varieties). Sunday evening she phones me, wanting to "discuss something." Guess you know what THAT means. :-) So I pick her up and we go and talk. She tells me I am in love with Lydia. (They are both wrong). She decides that a relationship between us won't work and we should just be friends. (Phew! At last!) OK, that's enough waffle for one month. My impassioned plea for fan mail last month worked rather well :-). Which reminds me of an old joke: What is the definition of Jewish foreplay? Half an hour of begging... Lots of thanks to the following people for their kind fan mail (hope I didn't miss anyone): Jac Nothling, Dirk v/d Bank, Mitch Dove, Andrew Houliston, Graeme Simms, Deon Manson, Cobus Pretorius. From: Jac Nothling Dear Ian I want to tell you that all of us in the office enjoy your column - as a matter of fact it is the very first thing we read. This message comes from all of us: keep it up and keep smiling! Here's a message from one of the more mature ladies in the office: don't scoff at older women, some of them can be very kind and gentle....and...many women find men wearing glasses very sexy.... Says she would like to meet you personally. Mmmm... For some reason women find writers very attractive. From: Dirk v/d Bank Hi Ian Thanks for the F13. As I am a lawyer, I especially enjoyed the "Lawyers at work" part. From: Mitch Dove Afternoon Ian, Just a short note, complimenting you on your Web Page. I even received a Message from Finland recomending that I take a look at it, they say it is very interesting. By the way I didn't know you had one in place, until I received the Finnish Mail, talk about around the world in 80 days.... From: Andrew Houliston Well done, congratulations, after my previous post I went into Netscape and quickly found your WWW page! From: Graeme Simms Hiya Ian! When I heard you wanted fan mail, I emailed to the conclusion. I am your FAN! I really enjoy your article and it makes me cry with laughter. I really enjoy all the Windows jokes! Please continue the good work, as I really appreciate all the hard work you put into this article. From: Deon Manson Hi Ian I got my internet adress today, so I thought I'd say thanks for such a extremely funny article/magazine. I really enjoy it alot, so keep going. I can't imagine the time that goes into F13 ! O yea, about that girl that left you, ever heard the saying :"Women are like the water of the earth, if one condenses into thin air, there is always another" - Deon Manson Don't quote me on that one =) I am looking foward to the next issue ! [$ ducks and runs for cover...] From: Cobus Pretorius Hi Ian, Congratulations on the best mag we've seen in a long time. The entire mag is brilliant, don't change anything. Ok, maybe you could send me money or a car in one of the paragraphs but... In any case, keep up the great work, can't wait for it to become a fully fledged weekly magazine. Well, I got last month's prediction wrong (again...). At least I got the EVENT (world leader - Mitterand - dies) right, if not the person. Maybe I'm getting the hang of this prediction thing.. :-) Prediction for February: Chuck and Di get divorced. Guess there was some truth in that abortion rumour. Current prediction success rate: 0/3. CONTENTS: ~~~~~~~~~ 1. Quotations 2. How To Play Games 3. Computer Security 4. Interesting Stuff 5. The Farsian Chronicles 6. Motivational / Inspirational 7. Science / Technology 8. Advertising / The Media 9. Health 10. Humour 11. NetNews 12. Recipes 13. Things to Think About =========================================================================== 1. Quotations $ Since it is Valentine's day this month, I have some quotes on love. I also paid a visit to the Cyrano server on the WWW, which asks for some inputs and then generates various styles of love letters. (Cyrano was a French poet and swordsman, in love with Roxanne, who was of course in love with someone else. Sometimes I feel like Cyrano. Just wish I had his skill with words...) So if we choose "steamy", we get Dearest Empress, My love, I can imagine myself kissing your exquisite body and slathering you with various oils and coffee. Your eyes are my anchor in the stormy sea of life; I wonder how I ever made it through a day without you. Please meet me tomorrow dressed in your mini skirt and we will celebrate our tempestuous love together. Yours passionately, Ian Or if we chose "poetic", the body changes to: I vowed that I would dedicate my powers To thee and thine--have I not kept the vow? With beating heart and streaming eyes, even now I call the phantoms of our coffee hours Each from his voiceless dog: they have in visioned bowers Of tempestuous zeal or love's delight Outwatched with me the exquisite night They know that never joy illumed my eyes Unlinked with hope that thou wouldst free Your mini skirt from a dark slavery. If we select "intellectual", we get: My love, we are like Beatrice and Dante; Dido and Aeneas. ... As surely as angular momentum is conserved, our tempestuous love will endure the entropy of the universe. Your eyes are as moving as Bach's ascending canon. Please meet me in your mini skirt at the laboratory. We will study your dog and analyze the composition of exquisite coffee. Choosing "surreal" gives: (not recommended) My love, you are a dog. Remember the time I saw a seagull fly out of your eyes? You comforted me with your coffee until the exquisite sun dipped out of reach. I thought I spied your mini skirt draped across the equator. But the asphalt still flickers with our tempestuous love. And lastly, choosing apologetic (or was it desperate?) - Either way, don't use it: Please forgive me. I have been waiting my whole life for a lover as exquisite as you, but I might have offended you by staring so frequently at your eyes or by telling your mother she looked like a dog. I yearn for your forgiveness! I will make it up to you. I'll cook, and then we can watch anything you want on TV. Melrose Place, the Discovery Channel, the Simpson Trial--it doesn't matter, I won't see it. I'll be transfixed by you in your mini skirt, munching on coffee. Forgive me this time, and our tempestuous love will last forever. $ May Valentine's Day bring all you hoped for... Only love can be divided endlessly, yet never diminish. Laughter between two is a closer sign of love than any other. The best proof of love is trust - Joyce Brothers If you love something, set it free. If it returns, it's yours forever. If it doesn't, it wasn't yours to begin with. Love is like pi - natural, irrational, and VERY important. "To admire is to love with the mind. To love is to admire with the heart." "My chief want in life is someone who shall make me do what I can." Ralph Waldo Emerson "Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction." - Antoine de Saint-Exupery "In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything, and two minus one equals nothing." - Mignon McLaughlin "Courtship consists in a number of quiet attentions, not so pointed as to alarm, nor so vague as not to be understood." - Laurence Sterne "A woman either loves or hates; she knows no medium." - Publilius "The quarrels of lovers are the renewal of love." - Terence "The first duty of love is to listen." - Paul Tillich "When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes; when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not even our virtues." Honore de Balzac "It is the woman who chooses the man who will choose her." - Paul Geraldy "The fact is that I did not know how to understand anything! I ought to have judged by deeds and not by words. She cast her fragrance and her radiance over me. I ought never to have run away from her ... I ought to have guessed all the affection that lay behind her poor little strategems. Flowers are so inconsistent! But I was too young to know how to love her.." from "The Little Prince," by Antoine de Saint-Exup‚ry "We can start working with time if you wish," Chiang said, "till you are ready to begin the most difficult, the most powerful, the most fun of all. You will be ready to begin to fly up and know the meaning of kindness and love." from Richard Bach's "Jonathan Livingstone Seagull" "She knew what Leto knew: they would have been friends, lovers, companions in an ultimate sharing between the sexes." "How boring the past when Hwi is here. She would come to me right now if I summoned her. But I cannot call for her... not now... not tonight." from "God Emperor of Dune," by Frank Herbert (difficult choices... I couldn't find the part I wanted - where Leto complains that Hwi is "impossible to resist" - that there was no way he could stop himself from loving her.) "But the man who is convinced of his own worthlessness will be drawn to a woman he despises - because he will reflect his own secret self, she will release him from that objective reality in which he is a fraud, she will give him a momentary illusion of his own value and a momentary escape from the moral code that damns him. Observe the ugly mess most which most men make of their sex lives - and observe the mess of contradictions which they hold as their moral philosophy. One proceeds from the other. Love is our response to our highest values - and can be nothing else. Let a man corrupt his values and his view of existence, let him profess that love is not self-enjoyment but self-denial, that virtue consists, not of pride, but of pity or pain or weakness or sacrifice, that the noblest love is born, not of admiration, but of charity, not in response to _values_, but in response to _flaws_ - and he will have cut himself in two. His body will not obey him, it will not respond, it will make him impotent towards the woman he professes to love and draw him to the lowest type of whore he can find. His body will always follow the ultimate logic of his deepest convictions; if he believes that flaws are values, he has damned existence as evil and only the evil will attract him. He has damned himself and he will feel that depravity is all he is worthy of enjoying. He has equated virtue with pain and he will feel that vice is the only realm of pleasure. Then he will scream that his body has vicious desires of its own which his mind cannot conquer, that sex is sin, that true love is a pure emotion of the spirit. And then he will wonder why love brings him nothing but boredom, and sex - nothing but shame...." Francisco d'Anconia in Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged" $ The only thing in the whole world that you have absolute control over is what goes on inside your head. Control that, and you control everything. $ People gravitate to where they feel needed. =========================================================================== $ 2. How To Play Games Rule 8: Don't play if you are in a bad mood Computer games can be frustrating. So can life. In order to do well, you have to be in complete control of what is going on inside your head, and you can't do that properly if your emotions are all messed up. So first deal with those emotions, get back in control, and THEN play the game. I can guarantee you that if you play while in a bad mood, you will play badly.. Rule 9: You can't program and execute at the same time Mmm, how can I explain this to non-programmers?... A computer is a machine that follows instructions that someone has programmed into it. In order to put those instructions in, the programmer first had to solve the problem, and figure out a way for the computer to do it too. So it is a three-step process - first solve the problem, figure out a solution, and tell the computer how to do it. You are also like a computer. Say you are playing a new game for the first time. The game throws a lot of problems at you for you to solve, regardless of the type of game. You have to analyse the problem, figure out a solution, and tell YOUR computer - your brain - how to work the controls to stay alive. The next time you see that problem, you can skip all the analysis, and simply let your brain execute the pre-progammed moves to stay alive. This is the process by which you learn to master a game - until you get to a new stage or level, where you are once again back at the analysis level, and you will find it impossible to play excellently then. This is how older people get the hang of the game of life - they have been through more situations, had time to analyse the situations, and come up with viable solutions. Us youngsters have to try and do all of that on the fly - and don't always do it well. =========================================================================== $ 3. Computer Security Oliver Steudler of Dynamic Solutions reports nothing of any consequence. Maybe that means McAfee no longer detects viruses? :-) [Just kidding] Mitch Dove of Gas Software reports the following recent virus infections (up to 22 January): Gauteng WinWord.Concept ( running wild, spreading fast ), Unashamed, Exebug.A, Russian.Flag, BT, Bupt.Boot, Mte.Coffee Shop, Crazy.Boot, Sampo, Bravo, Cookie Zimbabwe Exebug.A, Mongolian, WinWord.Concept Namibia Stoned.Standard, Cascade Cape Town WinWord.Concept, Exebug.A Zambia Exebug, WinWord.Concept, AntiExe Mauritius Antiexe Durban WinWord.Concept, Natas.4477 "As You can see, the WinWord.Concept Virus is certainly doing the rounds. I think it is because, users are more aware and dubious of executing strange executionable files on their systems, but would not think twice in opening a DOC file. Users need to be aware and check all files before allowing them onto their systems." Robert Sandilands of the CSIR reports the following infections: Virus prevalence (All these numbers are approximate): ExeBug (Think of a big number and add 1 :) 20) Welcome (1) ZimBoot (1) ZYX (1) Winword.Concept (4) Little Red (2) Tequila (1) Sampo (3) Bravo (3) Jumper (2) Natas (3) "The numbers are for sites that called for support - not the number of machines hit or the total number of infections. Due to an improved help system we are receiving fewer support calls. The reason why ExeBug dominates is because of the CMOS twidling of the virus - people do not read the help or are using old versions of the software without the CMOS editor and improved help and have difficulty getting a clean boot." A product called Ungame, from DVD Software, can find and identify 3100 different games on network servers and hard drives, even if the file names have been changed. They estimate that games played at work cost US businesses some G$50 a year in lost productivity. (G$ = 1000 000 000) A message from StormBringer, who was a prominent member of the underground and wrote quite a few viruses: "NOOOOO! not another virus coder at prodigy!@#!@#! *grin* "give some thought the consequences of writing a virus, and ask yourself what your purposes are, and if they can be achieved by writing one. this would be a good idea for any prospective virus writer. if it is for revenge, for gaining a name, or something silly like that........ you would simply be wasting your time and becoming an annoyance for many people who you probably don't wish to bother. "anyone can find source code for viruses these days, it's everywhere on the net (although lets just say "quality control" is not a commonly understood term). "cheers from dah underground, Stormbringer, Phalcon/SKISM (old, retired, and bored)" The Sysop of what was the biggest pirate BBS in the USA, 25 year old Scott Morris, decided to cut the pirate stuff from his Assassins' Guild BBS. He will now become an Internet Service Provider. However he was a little to late - the US marshalls raided his place first. He ended up paying a fine of US$70300, losing computer equipment worth US$40000, and having to serve as unpaid consultant to Microsoft and Novell, helping to find other pirate sites. $ The Good Times 'virus' has resurfaced yet again, spreading panic amongst new users and corporates. It also resulted in a shyster posting the following message to various places on the Internet: " Warning: New Virus On The Loose Everyone seems to be talking about a new computer virus on the loose that is unparalleled in its destructive capability. What makes it so terrifying is that is spread through normal E-Mail messages on the Internet. The virus program has a delayed execution so that it is unknowingly transferred to many others before it begins to do damage. Then, once it starts, it initiates an endless processing loop that erases and destroys your computer's hard drive. Unfortunately, the new virus eludes detection by almost all anti-virus programs. Your only line of defense is a good insurance policy that specifically covers your system against this type of damage, and that pays all the costs to get you up and running again quickly. A low-cost insurance policy for this purpose is available for members of the Association of Internet Users." $ For the record, the e-mail virus is a myth, you don't need insurance. =========================================================================== 4. Interesting Stuff South Africa averages 25 deaths a day on our roads. This rises to 35 a day in December. Its quite amazing what you can find in a swimming pool. Apart from the usual coins and stud earrings, I have also found a multi-function pocket knife, one rubber (condom)(sealed and unused), and one rubber (eraser)(used). For some reason that I cannot understand, people make a BIG fuss about the first of January. I hate that time of year - it is impossible to sleep. Besides, it is such a totally arbitary event - of absolutely no cosmic sugnificance. Different cultures celebrate the new year on different days of the year. Some cultures consider the new day to start at dusk, others at sunrise. Only us crazy Westerners think that the day starts at midnight. When I am emperor, I will decree that the new day starts at what is now 4 AM - then we shall see who will stay up to 'celebrate'.. :-) The Queen of the Desert says that people take any excuse to have a party. From this I conclude that most people are unhappy... Singaporeans have been flocking to a Malaysian town bordering the island state to feast on what is becoming a fashionable, but expensive, snack -- termites. People had been devouring termites, selling for up to $7 for a prime queen termite, in the belief that eating them relieved headaches, muscle pains and generally improved health. Some of Paris's top restaurants say they are already fully booked for New Year festivities the eve of 1999. (Which of course is NOT the end of the millenium.) The longest known palindromic word is saippuakivikauppias (19 letters), which is Finnish for a dealer in lye (i.e., caustic soda). The longest in English is tattarrattat with 12 letters. The longest palindromic composition devised is one of 100,000 words by Edward Benbow. It begins 'Al, sign it, ''Lover''!. . .' and hence predictably ends '.. . revolting, Isla.' The longest palindromic novel, Dr Awkward and Olson in Oslo contains 31,594 words and was written by Lawrence Levine of New York in 1986. MasterCard and Ralston Purina Pet Products have introduced a credit card that has the picture of your pet on its face, joining the ranks of credit cards with photo ids, celebrity paintings and holograms. President Nelson Mandela, aided by the world's most winning smile and the cutest dimples, tops the list of South Africa's most eligible and sexy bachelors published in the SA edition of Cosmopolitan. An Italian confined to house arrest has begged police to take him to jail so he can escape his nagging mother. The 32-year-old was so fed up with his mother's moaning that he telephoned police to see if a cell was free. Israel's Supreme Court has burst an Israeli prisoner's dream of having an inflatable sex doll in his cell. The court accepted the argument of prison authorities that inmate Amir Hazan, 35, could use a doll to fool warders in an escape attempt or hide drugs in it. The Prison Service also contended other inmates would fight over the doll. ``I've been in jails since the age of 14. If they let me be with a woman, I would give up on getting a doll,'' said Hazan, imprisoned this time for 10 years for what newspapers described as acts of violence. Once every six days, a woman is killed in South Africa in domestic violence. Usually by a lover, husband, admirer, etc. SUBJ: Similarities Between Jesus and Elvis Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39) Elvis said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA, 1956) Jesus is the Lord's shepherd. Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd. Jesus was part of the Trinity. Elvis' first band was a trio. Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25) Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965) Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members. Jesus was resurrected. Elvis had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special. Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink." (John 7:37) Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957) Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights. Elvis had irregular eating habits. (e.g. 5 banana splits for breakfast) Jesus is a Capricorn. (December 25) Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8) Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers. (The Gospel According to Matthew) Neil Matthews was one of Elvis' many biographers. (Elvis: A Golden Tribute) "[Jesus] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow." (Matthew 28:3) Elvis wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts. Jesus lived in state of grace in a Near Eastern land. Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state. Mary, an important woman in Jesus' life, had an Immaculate Conception. Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis' life, went to Immaculate Conception High School. Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God. Elvis first recorded with Sun Studios, which today are still considered to be his foremost recordings. Jesus was the lamb of God. Elvis had mutton chop sideburns. Jesus' Father is everywhere. Elvis' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit. Jesus was a carpenter. Elvis' favorite high school class was wood shop. Jesus wore a crown of thorns. Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler. Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters. Elvis Presley has 12 letters. No one knows what the "H" in "Jesus H. Christ" stood for. No one was really sure if Elvis' middle name was "Aron" or "Aaron" Jesus is often depicted in pictures with a halo that looks like a gold plate. Elvis' face is often depicted on a plate with gold trim and sold through TV. Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone." Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas. =========================================================================== $ 5. The Farsian Chronicles [For those of you who have not heard of Farsia yet, it is an imaginary country on an imaginary planet somewhere in the solar system, and inhabited by various animals. Any similarity to any real persons or situations is a figment of your imagination. It is called Farsia because the going-on there are a farce. It has absolutely nothing to do with any country at the foot of Africa...] The Naughty Party wants to remake itself so as to appeal to a broader range of Farsians. The Naughty Party, you may recall, was responsible for getting Farsia into the mess that it is in. They considered changing their name, but that is impossible - The Awfully Nice Communists would make a big issue of it come election time. A recent press announcement from the Department of Fair Labour Practices: "It has come to our attention that the Ants are underrepresented in the field of Brain Surgery. This state of affairs can not be allowed to continue, and the Department is pleased to announce its new Action Plan to remedy the situation. We will be promoting some of our highly skilled abattoir workers to Brain Surgeons, as there is not much difference in the type of work and tools. These surgeons will be trained on the job. We expect that a few patients might have a negative treatment outcome, but, since these are likely to be Jackdaws, who benefitted under the previous regime, it is only fair that they be prepared to make sacrifices in order to redress the wrongs of the past." The Bear found itself with a thorn in its side, and, instead of being sensible and pulling it out, it instead smacked it hard, driving it further in. Bears are not very bright. There was a lot of blood and pain. Farsia's national broadcaster, Subtle And Biased Communication, is to undergo some major changes. We will now have programs in all 11 official languages. All this on three channels. They ignored the percentage of each language group that actually pays the annual licence fee when deciding on the time allocations... The Committee for the Persecution of the Previous Regime actually did a few days work this month. They were of course paid for the whole month. They also appointed a whole slew of new people to help with all the work... The Lion was voted Fighter of the Century. This reporter finds that rather odd - lots of other better choices spring to mind... The Frogs continued their campaign to blow up the planet. They planned to build a new working volcano in the middle of nowhere, as a tourist attraction. However this plan failed and they have now given up in disgust. The Plastic Pop Star is to divorce is his recently-wed wife. The Lioness denied she was the "other woman" in the star's life. We still have a civil war raging in Bananaland. The police apparantly have a finger in the pie. Or is that in the banana bread? The United Federal Galaxies had a rather late White Christmas. It was arranged by their government to coincide with when the government workers were due to go back to work after being on unpaid leave, and kept them at home a few days longer. The land of the Celts also had some rather chilly weather. Here in Farsia, there is certainly no longer a drought. Floods maybe, but no drought... the farmers are now changing their applications from "drought relief" to "flood relief." No matter what the weather, they want money... =========================================================================== 6. Motivational / Inspirational How to be happy with a woman ---------------------------- Dont look for trouble when she's feeling moody; don't preach her sermons and don't sit and sulk. Don't scowl and say no when she asks a favor; try to react when she says something nice. If you treat her with scorn, she'll answer you with fury; if you hurt her, you will never live it down. Forget your pride and tell her you surrender if you want to taste love's pleasures to the full. The only way to be happy with a woman is to give her your heart and never want it back. -Sextus Propertius, Roman poet (ca. 57 BC-ca. 2 AD),_Cynthia Monobiblos_ (Poems), Book 1, 10 $ This next item really made me laugh (as I meet the criteria .. :-) ) From: Greg Knauss So I'm waiting in line at Vons and the guy in the next aisle is hitting on the cashier. He says: "...like, y'know? I write out stories and, like, _thoughts_ and stuff. It's, like, y'know? Like, I've been doing it since, like, 1984 and it's really, just, like... Uh..." "That's cool," she says. "Yeah," he says, savoring the word. "_Cool_. It's, like, _cool_. Y'know?" And a guy that's standing off to the side of the cashier suddenly speaks up. "I'm living with her," he says. "Oh..." says the guy. "OK. Like, cool." He didn't stand a chance. Everybody knows you need a mailing list and a Web site to get the babes. Like, duh. =========================================================================== 7. Science / Technology There will soon be TWO uninstalls for Windows 95: one from IBM, and one from Oracle. Rather embarresing for Microsoft :-) Sales of Win95 are far below expectations, especially in corporates. Video Technologies Inc., a Cambridge, Mass.-based company, along with Polaroid Corp. and Zenith Electronics Corp., has developed a process that allows viewers to take photographs of images on the screen. Users can freeze a frame of a movie, video of a child's birthday party, wedding video, sporting event or even a favorite game show. Push a button and the picture freezes in the bottom right corner of the screen, like a ''picture-in-picture'' set, while the television continues to play. This picture is then reproduced on instant film. One of the cross-posting Usenet threads (see Netnews) produced this probably-top-secret information: I was hacking around the CSIR (local [SA] parastatal science-research institute) when I came across a design for a submarine. I've tried to get it back, but seems they've tightened up the security. Anyway, the thing was a fused-toroid design (diffusion bonding), with oxygen compressed in the toroids - something like 400 atmospheres, I think - enough for 3 weeks uninterrupted sub-running. Power was a hybrid kerosine stirling-engine/aluminum fuel cell with MHD pushing the water in a pipe at centre. There were no props (not even backup), no conning tower; just this teardrop shaped (very pretty, actually) hull with a pipe running thru. Looked like strakes (fliperons?) foreward, and vectored thrust aft - ball-type extension on the end of the thru-pipe. The blurb talked about theoretical 60 knots; It was 1400 tons displacement, if I remember correctly. I'll sit down and recreate the thing sometime. The next-generation CD-ROMs / CD's, called DVD (Digital Versatile Disk) will be on sale this year. Time Warner will release 250 movies in the new format. The computer industry is getting rid of their 486-based computers as fast as they can. Soon the entry level will be a Pentium. Talk about the mainframe on the desk.... Intel has meanwhile released a bug list for their Pentium Pro processor. There are 45 known bugs, 13 of which will not be fixed... Microsoft have released the first 'upgrade' cum 'service pack' for Windows 95. Available from their web site or on CD. They have also released their Internet Explorer for Mac and Win3.1, also free from their web site. IBM's OS/2 Warp had its second record month in December, selling over 1 million copies. Sales have gone up sharply since Microsoft released Windows 95, confounding all the industry experts who expected Win95 to kill OS/2. IBM have also introduced a new card for PC's which will react to a 'wake-up' signal from the LAN, starting the PC, and allowing software upgrades at off-peak times. IBM is to drop their amazing butterfly notebook, in favour of slimmer models. =========================================================================== $ 8. Advertising / The Media New words heard on SAfm Probable meaning (mostly on AM Live) haddle hurdle Udderly Street Adderley Street ucksis access New words heard on TV1 (8pm news) / Agenda mutter matter funnelized finalised ice eyes F W de Klerk Evvie de Klerk Normally in afrikaans it would be: Ef [separate letter] Vee [separate letter] de Klerk [$ submitted by Robert Meier] This month's prize for the best movie poster is shared by The Scarlet Letter and Jade. With the end of the tax year approaching fast, expect lots of insurance adverts. Southern Life was playing a rather old radio ad, which referred to "now that LA Law is on our screens again," except that it is not... Pick 'n Pay Supermarkets is advertising the up-market Dun Robin ice cream as a "low priced basic food." The Post Office is introducing a new size-based postage rate. They have some cards which show the prices for different size letters. Where can you get them? Not at your post office. No, you must WRITE a letter to Pretoria, paying for the postage of course... Such efficiency... The popular Calvin & Hobbes cartoon strip has come to an end. A sad day indeed... The new British Airways ad is a visual feast. Not sure what that funny dollar sign is there for, unless it is to tie in with the 'business traveller' pitch... Death cigarettes have arrived in South Africa. These are the only honestly-marketed cigarettes - the pack and ads tell you straight out that smoking kills. And people still buy them... [shakes head in amazement] "My invention can be exploited for a while as a scientific curiosity, but beyond that it has no commercial future." The speaker? Louis Lumiere. The invention in question? Moving pictures - film, cinema... Interesting ad headline: "My wife and I had done nothing in the bedroom for years." The product was, of course, home improvement stuff... =========================================================================== 9. Health A French pensioner, twice listed as dead by French bureaucrats, said he was getting fed up with explaining that he was still alive. ``So far I've died twice,'' Maurice Georges, 76, told France 2 television, expressing frustration with the official errors and macabre jokes. ``The main thing's to be alive.'' Farmer's wife Daphne Brooks was recovering in a British hospital after being left for dead in a body bag and taken to a mortuary. Undertakers took Banks, 61, to the hospital in Huntingdon in eastern England in the early hours of New Year's Day after she was declared dead at her home by a doctor. Hospital spokeswoman Margaret Markey said mortuary workers were about to load the body into a refrigerator when they noticed signs of life and called a doctor. Banks was found to be breathing and, after intensive care, is now recovering. A Colombian man had to undergo an operation to rid himself of an erection that lasted three days and refused to go away. The erection was caused by a sudden drop in the flow of oxygen into Casadiego's penis. Diets and conventional slimming pills could be obsolete within a decade following the discovery of a protein that tells the brain when it is time to stop eating. British researchers are testing ``chemical condoms'' that could let women guard against HIV but still get pregnant. The vaginal virucides would be aimed at women whose partners refuse to practice safe sex. If successful in preventing the transmission of the virus which causes AIDS, the compounds could be especially useful in countries such as Uganda where women face intense pressure to bear children despite the high incidence of HIV. U.S. children and teen-agers do eat their vegetables -- but about a fourth of the veggies they consume are french fries. In a finding that may hold out hope for insomniacs, scientists have found a master `off' switch deep in the brain that helps to control sleep. The `switch' is a cluster of neurons, probably no bigger than a pinhead, in the hypothalamus at the core of the brain. That is the part of the brain known to control sleeping, eating, drinking and sexual behavior -- `all the fun stuff.' Teen-agers in northern England were warned to stop kissing as health officials mounted a mass vaccination program to halt an outbreak of meningitis. Next items lifted from Usenet: "Biologically speaking, male sexual stragedy is to seed as many women as possible, while female sexual stragedy is to find one ideal mate to provide ideal security for her offspring. Female dreams would them be more about relationships, while male about physical acts." "Men tend to dream more of themselves with a fantasy girl whereas women dream more of themselves with _their_ man in a fantasy enviroment. But what I don't recall is "why". I think it was something to do with that a woman wants the security of the monogamous relationship, but wants to be adventurous. But why the guy does what he does... I dunno? Just scum I guess... :) " "Many common household sprays would make an effective defensive weapon, and remove the need to keep something that is explicitly a weapon in your home. Of course, you have to go for the eyes and/or lungs. I favour cat flea spray myself, as the organophosphates will do the evil criminal a certain amount of damage over the following few days - or longer, if he gets a good dose. Remember to wash thoroughly afterwards so thet you don't suffer yourself, and remove goldfish etc from the room beforehand." [$ like, when you know a robber is coming..?] About one in 10 women under the age of 35 who develop breast cancer have a defective form of the breast cancer gene known as BRCA1, according to medical researchers in Seattle. They said the defect is not restricted to women with family histories of breast or ovarian cancer. And a group of Boston doctors reported that defective BRCA1 apparently is the source of 20 percent of breast cancers in Jewish women who develop a tumor by age 40. The US Government has approved Proctor & Gamble's Olestra fat substitute. The imitation fat leeches vitamins out of the body. =========================================================================== 10. Humour An example of typical Usenet "logic:" >Trust me, you can get WAY stupider than this. For example: 1+1=2, >therefore blow up the entire earth. You forgot to carry the 7. Zoe Love (zoe@welcomehome.org) wrote: : I like my coffee like i like my men: : Pale, weak & bitter. >Apparently the CoE have just redefined hell. I wonder if the apropriate >authorities have been informed? Dear Mr. Satan, As you know, due to changes in society, we have been loosing marketshare to competing agnosticism and atheism products. Some time ago, management commissioned a study into improving our image in an attempt to combat our declining marketshare. It is therefore with great regret that we must inform you that we have decided to restructure your department, and that your services are no longer required by the company. Rather than eternal damnation, customers of the hell department are to face oblivion (this is to back dated to the beginning of time, since we feel we cannot afford to maintain the sulphurus pits for existing clients. They will, of course, be offered a choice between a subscription to our new oblivion service, or a full refund). Because of the low overhead required in running such an operation, the staffing requirements are considerably reduced. And we feel that this new image, combined with a more streamlined operation gives us the positioning we need to take us into the third millenium. We will, of course, offer full severance pay, related to your period of employment under the terms set out in your contract with us, and we are prepared to offer you an excellent reference. You may continue to use the companies private healthcare scheme for up to 3 months after leaving employment. Please allow me to take this opportunity to offer my deepest regrets in having to take this action, and to wish you every sucess in the future. I believe the Microsoft corporation have openings in upper management and customer relations, which we feel you are well qualified for, and should you wish, we are prepared to approach Microsoft corporation on your behalf. Yours sincerely, Archbishop Smythe BA, pp. God. PS, can we have the horns back, please? The World According to Student Bloopers by Richard Lederer, St. Paul's School One of the fringe benefits of being an English or history teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following history of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?" Jacob, son of Isaac, was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons gave refuse to the Israelites. Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandment. Solomon, one of David's sons had 500 wives and 500 porcupines. Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in the "Iliad," by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity," in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of the same name. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, and hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Parisians had more men. Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them. Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived in the age of Shivery. King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, and Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense. In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the times was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head. The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Fracis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper. The Government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the Virgin Queen. As a queen she was a success. Her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. Shakespeare never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors. In one of Shakespeare's famous plays, Hamlet, rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the king by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton who wrote "Paradise Lost". Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained". During the Renaissance America began. Chistopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and their ship was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The indian squabs carried porpoises on their backs. Many of the indian heros were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard on for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all of this. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Benjamin Franklin was a singer of Declaration of Independence. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms. Abraham Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was president, he wore only a tall silk hat. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. Meanwhile, in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees. Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseilles was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a throne for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign. The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Madam Curie discovered radium and Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the annals of human history. The End Bosnian son phones his mom. Son: Hello mother. How are things going? Mom: Terrible!! Your father's been killed, your sister has been gangraped and your brother's disappeared. And it's ALL YOUR FAULT!!!! Son: Why my fault mother?! Mom: Because it was you who told us to emigrate to South Africa !!!! Did you hear that Nuclear warfare is much better than the old fuzzy type.... A company puts an advertisement out for a secretary who can type, answer the telephone and speak a foreign language. The first applicant is a poodle. Finding it extremely strange, the company calls him in for a interview. "Can you type?" "Yes", reply the poodle, "200 words per minute." "Can you answer the telephone?" "Yes, in my previous job, I handled a 200 line switchboard with no problem." "And the foreign language?" Replied the poodle: "Meaow!!!" SUBJ: PC Guide Update From "The Official Sexually Correct Dictionary and Dating Guide" by Henry Beard and Christopher Cerf "DATING DON'TS AND DON'TS" (A Handy Checklist for the Politically Correct 90s) LIP-LICKING, TEETH-LICKING, AND PROVOCATIVE EATING. All these (and more) are on a list of "unacceptable gestures and behaviors" distributed at the University of Maryland at College Park. STANDING TOO CLOSE. Standing too close is one of a long list of "sexually harassing behaviors" that Susan Strauss and Pamela Espeland caution us "have been reported in U.S. high schools." (Others are MAKING "VERBAL COMMENTS ABOUT CLOTHING" and "WEARING AN OBSCENE HAT.") ATTENDING PERFORMANCES OF "ROMEO AND JULIET." London school official Jane Hardman-Brown refused to take her students to see "Romeo and Juliet" on the grounds that it was a "blatantly heterosexual love story." (It's not clear whether Hardman-Brown wants the play rewritten to celebrate alternative lifestyles, or would prefer to have it banned altogether.) EXCESSIVE EYE CONTACT. University of Toronto chemistry professor Richard Hummel was recently prosecuted for "prolonged staring" at a female student. INSUFFICIENT EYE-CONTACT. A handbook published at Barnard College in New York warns male professors who fail to make sufficient eye contact with their female students that their conduct is "contributing to a biased atmosphere in the classroom" which may cause women to "feel discouraged and/or physically threatened." RECEPTIVE NONINITIATION. If a woman makes a pass at her male boss, and her boss responds, he (not she) is guilty of sexual harassment, according to Hunter College professor Sue Rosenberg Zalk. Zalk's term for this underpublicized offense: "receptive noninitiation." FORGETTING A WOMAN'S NAME. A report issued by a committee at the University of Pennsylvania lists "women's names not remembered" as a pernicious form of sexual discrimination. PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION. The Minnesota Department of Education discourages "displays of affection in hallways" on the grounds that such displays "may offend others" and are "heterosexist." SELF-DEPRECATING HUMOR. And finally this, from Robin Morgan, former editor of Ms.: If a man's "self-deprecating humor" leads a woman to initiate sex with him, then that man is -- in a "radical feminist" sense of the term -- guilty of assault. SUBJ: More One-Liners (".sigs") From the 'Net Warning: Dates in the Calendar are closer than they appear. Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk? Give me ambiguity or give me something else. I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got! We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. He who laughs last thinks slowest! Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. Learn from your parents' mistakes--use birth control! What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? Assassins do it from behind. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar. =========================================================================== 11. NetNews Congratulations to Le Club Internet Access (LIA) to making it to the top of the SA Top Ten for Home Pages. Hope you guys stay there :-) Will post full rankings next month (my net access is a little restricted ATM). I have made some new additions to my castle page (the plebs have home pages. Lord Ian has a castle page.). Firstly, I have stuck up a photo of myself - black and white passport at the moment, am working on the glamour colour one. Esm‚, who scanned in the photo for me, has announced that "she thinks she will marry me..." Have also added some papers on the future of computing, and on attempts to close down the Information Highway. My castle page went up on the 31 December. By 17th Jan, the InfoSeek search engine had located it. Not bad going. However it did not find the downlinks from it, presumably because I did not use fully-qualified URL's for them. Have fixed these, and am now waiting to see when they will be added... The other search engines have not found my site yet. Major news this month was the rise of censorship on the net. Compuserve cut access to 200 Usenet newsgroups, as a result of 'advice' (so polite, these Germans) from the Bavarian State Prosecutor, who advised that the groups contained material deemed illegal in Bavaria. They considered Compuserve to be partly guilty because their network carried the stuff. The news groups cut were apparently anything with the word 'sex' in it. The move was apparently aimed at homosexual and kiddie-porn groups, but the groups cut were more than just these. Compuserve was not able to disallow access to those groups on a per-country basis, so they cut them for all their customers. Many customers were not impressed... In a related move, the Simon Leventhal Centre (who hunt Nazi war criminals) called for censorship and controls on Usenet groups dedicated to white supremacy and fascism. Prosecutors in Germany are trying to restrict access to some such sites. MCI, which carries around 40% of the global internet traffic, has announced a new anti-spamming policy. They will cut the access of anyone who spams and has complaints lodged about it. MCI intends to put pressure on any downlinks to also implement the same policy. The reaction from the net has generally been favourable. Spamming (sending unsolicited junk e-mail and usenet postings) is considered anti-social and tends to lead to flame wars, mail bombs, and other retaliations. Good news is that the US Government has decided not to prosecute Phil Zimmermann, inventor of the popular Pretty Good Privacy encryption program. Digital's popular search engine, AltaVista, is getting 2 million hits a day. Now suddenly people are wanting to advertise there. Digital is thinking about it. The student who has registered the domain name windows95.com is refusing to sell it to Microsoft. IBM have released a free 'ticker tape' news update program that runs via the net, and provides news from Reuters. Click on the headline to download the full story, while you work on something else. Went looking for drivers for my Tseng Labs 3000 video card on Microsoft's FTP site - and came away very fed up. Firstly, the directions say that all the drivers are in one directory. So I go there - and wait ages while the directory listing for over 1500 files - all 135k of it - is downloaded. There is no index or descriptions to the files. I see one called TSENG3.EXE, so naturally assume it is the one I want. Grab it. Actually, try to grab it. Three quarters of the way, Microsoft in their wisdom cut my connection. Repeat this exercise twice more, with same results. Eventually get the file on the fourth attempt. Unpack it. Guess what? It is for the Tseng Labs 4000.. Way to go, Microsoft. Their site is also very slow. I guess they are too stupid to realise that if they split up the files into logical groups, people would not clog the server downloading a massive directory listing, most of which is irrelevant. Newish newsgroup for people on a tight budget: misc.consumers.frugal-living. I tested some software: Netscape v2 b5, b6, b6a. The printing is a lot better, and it crashes less often. Does not work with the Cyrano server. Still gives the best rendering of pages - exactly like the author wanted. Tried the Oracle PowerBrowser beta, it crashed while loading my home page. Fixed a small bug in the HTML, try again, still does not work. Also does not handle the colour properly. Tried Spyglass Mosaic beta as well - also does not handle the colour properly, and don't like its fonts - or the way it lays out the pages. Netscape remains the best browser, IMHO... The new beta of Eudora is nice - at least the ctrl-arrow to change messages works again. Still crashes occasionally. Some makers of BBS software, like Wildcat and Galacticomm, are providing software that makes BBS's accessible for WWW-type browsers, and basically turns the BBS into another WWW site. Some people don't like Microsoft, and are making their own protest against Microsoft Network by attempting to limit distribution of their messages. Example .sigs: -- All views expressed by ME, are Copyright ME, MYSELF, and I (c) 1995 MSN - MicroSoft Network is prohibited from displaying this message(s) on their system. Should MicroSoft Network make this message available to it's users, Microsoft is to pay $1000 to me for each MSN user who views it! ======== ------====### legal notice ###====-------------------------------------------- Microsoft(tm) Network is prohibited from redistributing this work in any form, either in whole or in part. License to distribute this posting is available to Microsoft(tm) for (US)$100.00. Posting without prior permission constitutes an agreement to these terms. Site license is available for (US)$10,000,000,000.00 The US Secret Service and Drug Enforcement Agency got judicial permission to intercept e-mail for the first time. They arrested three people charged with running a cell phone fraud ring. $ Resources: http://www.primenet.com/~mwest/up-form.htm for updates of virus scanners http://www.ccsnet.com/prep free Psychology Preprint Bulletin Board http:/www.symantec.com/virus/virus.html/ virus info http://www.pathfinder.com/money Money Magazine http://www.nando.net/toys/cyrano.html Cyrano server. http://d.armory.com/~zenugirl/barbie.html Barbie doll stuff http://www.muzak.com muzak over the web http://www.cyto.com neuroscience stuff http://www.HartBrew.com brewery site, features a darts game http://www.systems.jobs.co.za ComputerWeek job ads http://www.billboard-online.com Billboard mag - hit parades etc http://www.superbowl.com American Superbowl stuff http://www.mw3.com/nams/ music videos http://www.thomasregister.com:8000/ American manufacturers Some pretty art stolen from .sig files: ("`-''-/").___..--''"`-._ `6_ 6 ) `-. ( ).`-.__.`) (_Y_.)' ._ ) `._ `. ``-..-' _..`--'_..-_/ /--'_.' ,' (il),-'' (li),' ((!.-' > __\/__ > / ^ ^ \ > (\| (o)(o) |/) >------------------------oOOOo--oo--oOOOo---------------------------- >| Ettienne Brunsdon | | Internet: | >| P.O. Box 6716 | | ettienneb@vines.tnet.co.za | >| Westgate | | Phone: | >| South-Africa, 1734 | | 082 448 1480 (All Hours) | >-------------------------------------------------------------------- >| Sometimes I sits and I thinks... | >| and sometimes I just sits... | >-----------------------------------Oooo.---------------------------- > .oooO ( ) > ( ) ) / > \ ( (_/ > \_) ___________________________ _ | | _ / )| Tom Line |( \ / / | AKA FastFingers | \ \ _( (_ | linetp@miavx1 | _) )_ (((\ \>|_/->___________________<-\_|Thus spake Louis Nick III : >>On 11 Jan 1996, Doctorb Science wrote: >>> gkirk@ix.netcom.com (Gregory Kirk) writes: >>> >Well is this realy on topic fellows? I mean this isnld >>> >alt.military.tactics.and.armaments. now is it. >>> >>> Exactly not. Please take your science fiction fantasies out >>> of alt.terrorist.weapons.and.tactics, or we will threaten you. >> >>Tae this kind interchange of ideas OUT of alt.anarchy. We don't believe >>in that sort of thing. > >I don't know what this has to do with pantyhose, but I'm >sick to death of it. Stop posting this thread to alt.pantyhose >or I will PERSONALLY curse you to have runs in ALL OF YOUR >HOSERY. Don't think I won't! YOU invading rec.arts.poems with you r THREATS and your prose flop spittle dying puppy remove yourselves $ Which of course produced the following repartee: >You, crossposting to alt.slack >how could you know >cummings rolls >w >h >e >n >you write bad poems? >desist. Please TOE the line you un-ryhming HEAL. your hackneyed prose holds no appeal. And as it would SEAM in this group you've no SUPPORT. You RUN your tired, trite poetry on LEGGS far too short. So HOLD UP your end, wipe the L'EGG from your face. keep your crosspost from alt.pantyhose or you'll be HOSED from this place. $ and was finally followed by: I would ask you to take this out of alt.seduction.fast, but has anyone ever told you you have the most GORGEOUS eyes? $ There was a message cross-posted to numerous groups, that told the tragic story of Lucky the cat, who had been found after being run over by a car. The poster requested that all animal lovers send him $1 to pay the vet's $900 bill. (Like, all 30 million people on the Internet will oblige...) That resulted in the following reply, nicely illustrating the sad tale: "As a public service, Gardner S. Trask III, president of the _Internet Academy of ASCII Art_ will now interpret this post for our hard-of-literacy viewers: >"ABOUT three weeks ago, four days before Christmas," _________________________________________________________ | | | De-scam-ber 1995 | | | |_______________________________________________________| | | | | | | | | | | | | | | 1 | 2 | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |_______|_______|_______|_______|_______|_______|_______| | | | | | | | | | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |_______|_______|_______|_______|_______|_______|_______| | | | | | | | | | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |_______|_______|_______|______||=======||______|_______| | | | | || || | | | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 || ** 21 || 22 | 23 | | | | | || Dead || | | | |Chanukah | ||cat day|| | | |_______|_______|_______|______|| ||______|_______| | | | | ||=======|| | | | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | | | | | | | | | | | X-Mas | << ------------ Kwanzaa ---------{ | |_______|_______|_______|_______|_______|_______|_______| | | | | 31 | | | | | | }-->> | | |_______|_______________________________________________| >"I found what I thought was a dead cat out on the road in front of > farmhouse." ~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~ /\ ~~~~ | | ~~~ _____|__|_____ /^\ ____ / \ / \ | | / \ / \ | | / \ / () \| | / \ / \ | / \ / \ | / --------------- \ / ____ ____ \| /| |\ /|\ /| |\ / | | | | \ | | \ / | \ / | | /| | | | | |\ | | \/ | \/ | | | | | | | | | | /\ | /\ | | | ---- ---- | /| | / \ | / \ | | | | / | |/ \|/ \| | | | / | --------------- | | ____ ______ | / | | | | | | | | / | ---------------------- | | | | |[][]| | / | |\ /| | | | | | | | | /| | | \ / | (__) | | | ---- | .| | | | | \ / | (o o) | | | | | | | | | \ / | (..) moo | | () | | | | | | / \ |____\/____| | | ( ) | | | | | | / \ | | | |_( ~ )_|____|_| | | |/ \ | | | ________/________\______________ ______________________________________________________________________ \_\ ^^ ~(__)(xx) / / -`~~ _____________________________________________________________________ >"The cat, a small black tabby, was not moving and contorted in a > weird position (even for a cat!!!)" __..--''``---....___ _..._ __ /// //_.-' .-/"; ` ``<._ ``.''_ `. / // / ///_.-' _..--.'x \ `( ) ) // // / (_..-' // (< x ;_..__ ; `' / /// / // // // `-._,_)' // / ``--...____..-' /// / // >"Luckily, I heard a faint cry from > the poor thing, which immediately sent me to the house for a blanket > and box." ______________________ / _ ,/| /| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ / |'\`o 0' _ / | ~ Ramada Inn ~ / | =(_*_)= ( "Aak" / | ~ ~ / | )U( _) / | blanket ~ * * ~ / | / \( / | ~~ ****** ~~ _______(/`_'\)_________ X | ~ * * ~ | | P / ~ * * ~ | | / ~ ~ | | / ~ * ~ | Pixel-Stix Brand | / ~ ** * ~ | (r) | / ~ * * ~ | |/ ~~ ******* ~ |______________________| Box ~ ~~ ~ ~__________~___ ~ ~_~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >"THE cat had obviously been run over by a car." \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^ \v^v^\ |\ _,,,---,,_ \v^v^\ /x`.-'`' -. ;-;;,_ \v^v^\ |x4- ) )-,_. ,\ ( `'-' \v^v^\ '---''(_/--' `-'\_) \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ \v^v^\ ( Like, who didn't see \v^v^\ \v^v^\ this one coming? ) >"I immediately called the Humane Society to arrange for treatment. > After describing the extent of the cat's injuries, the Humane Society > could only prescribe one solution -Euthanasia. " { } { } \\ ____ // / \ | () ()| | | \ '` / | | "" // "" \\ { } { } ) ^. ,. ~ ) __ T."-._..---.._,-"/| ~ ) ( ) l|"-. _.v._ (" | ~ ____________)__ ( ) [l /.'_ \; _~"-.`-t ___________/ | |---- ) Y " _(X} _{X)._ ^.| <___________| | | | | | | ) j T ,--. T ] \_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|---- ) \ l ( /-^-\ ) ! ! ) ( ) \. \. "~" ./ /c-..,__ ) (--) ^r- .._ .- .-" `- . ~"--. ) > \. \ ) ] ^. \ 3 . "> . Y ,.__.--._ _j \ ~ . ; | ( ~"-._~"^._\ ^. ^._ I . l "-._ ___ ~"-,_7 .Z-._ 7" Y ; \ _ /" "~-(r r _/_--._~-/ / /,.--^-._ / Y "-._ '"~~~>-._~]>--^---./____,.^~ ^.^ ! ~--._ ' Y---. \./ ~~--._ l_ ) \ ~-._~~~---._,____..--- \ ~----"~ \ \ \ >"Now, while I'm not a typical "Bunny Hugger," somehow I > could not bring myself to do this. What came next was a call to a > private vet, who would mend "Lucky's" broken hip and treat her internal > injuries." >"OUR problem? The bill from the vet for surgery has totaled over $900." ____________________________________________________ | | | Invioce Dr. Ima Fraud | | 123 Scam Ave. | | Shamsville | |___________________________________________________| | | | | | | | | | Take care of one cute little | | | | cuddly kitten. Poor little | | | | kitty cat had big bad boo boo. | | | | Nice lady bring im in da puddy | | | | tat. Nice lady now pay | | | | exorbitant fees becaus um berry | | | | mean vet won't cut 'em costs. | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | Total | |$ 900 | | | | | _____________________________________________________ >"We initally thought that, since the vet's office knew of Lucky's plight, > that some discount would be in order. After all was said and done, > however, we were charged full price and told by the doctor that, since > the clinic was part of a franchise, there was "nothing" he could do." ** ****** ** ** ** ** ** All Day ** * * * SUCKER!!! * ** ** ** ** ** ** ***** /{|}\ / \ /~~~~~~~\ | | | | | | | | | | | | >"WE'RE asking all people with compassion for animals to send $1 to help > us with Lucky's bill. " ..... .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. . EVEN BIGGER . . . . ALL . . . .. DAY .. /----------------------- .. .. / | .. SUCKER !!!! .. / Sale Price: | .. .. / || | .. .. / $||$ 111 | .. .. / $ || $ 1111 | ....... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ $|| 11 11 | / \ \ || 11 | / \ \ ||$ 11 | /~~~~~~~~~~ \ \ $ || $ 11 | | | \ $||$ 11111111 | | | \ || | | | \----------------------- | | | | | | | | | | |__| >" Initally, we were going to give Lucky away, but we have bonded with > her during her care, and on Christmas, he gave me her as a present. > . ,'$$i Jb<$$$$. . $F`????? /<$$c, .,cd$$$$$$$$$cr. ,ccc zF<$$$$+ d$$$$$$$$P???$$ $Lcu ,d$$$$$.?$c, ,`$$P,c$L`"".$ $$$F $$$$$,?.$$><$$$$$$c`"?P",$$$$$$$$$$:F,$F ?$$$$$$$$$`$$$$$$$$$$$P?$$$$$$$$P"' " $c$$$$$$$$$,?$$$$$$$$$$$$z, `"""'.,,,,, `$$$$$$$$$$$,?$$$$$$$$$$$$$$=`,zd$ClcJ" 3$$$$$$$$$$$,"?$$$$$$$$P"z e$$CzeeF?$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$c`??$$P",d$.$$$$$$$$F " J$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$b= c$$$$,?$$PF"" " J$$?$$$$$$$$$P",d$$$$$$$$c-,u ?" ?$$";??",c$$$$$$$$$$$'c$$h. "x$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$P.d$$$h. ,d$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$P"z$$$$$?L 4F .,ucc$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$F,z$$$$$$$F ,$L ,zd$$$$$$$$$$$$$hh??$PF',zd$$$$$$$$P$, z$$" z$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$'c$$$$$$$$$$$$$F`" (~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~) ) **** | | ***** ( | | ( ( * * | | ** *** ) | | ) )* * | | * * ( | | ( ** * * |*****| * * * ) | | ) * * * ** ** * ( | | ( * **** *** ** * ) | | ) * *** * * ** * ( | | ( * ** * ** * *** ) | | ) )* **** ***** ** ** ( | | ( ( *** * | | *** ) | | ) ) *** | | ( | | ( ( | | ) | | ) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~\~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ \ /---------------------------- \ / To: My dear wife | \ / | \/ From: A cheap bastard | /\~~ that would give | \ you a cat that | \ you found anyways. | \ | \ Merry Christmas | \---------------------------- >"PLEASE send to - ___ > Lucky The Cat _.-| | |\__/,| (`\ > c/o ACME Catnip Co. { | | |o o |__ _) ) > Overdue Accounts Dept. "-.|___| _.( T ) ` / > Shamsville, MI .--'-`-. _((_ `^--' /_< \ > Attn: Ms. Grifter" .+|______|__.-||__)`-'(((/ (((/ $ This attempt at begging was then followed up by another hopeful: > Dear Netters, > > Last weekend a truck loaded with chickens crashed against my house. > My friends and I managed to safe the life of about 3000 of them. > The others couldn't be saved... A big barbecue was in order. > > Many of the surviving chickens needed extensive surgery and the vets > (which gathered from all over the country) are presenting rather steep bills. > > If you feel any compassion for theses lovely animals, PLEASE donate > a $100 or so... =========================================================================== 12. Recipes $ Vegetable Salad Not giving quantities, use your common sense depending on how many people you are making for. About 5 or so different fresh raw vegetables, eg. onion, carrots, bell peppers (capsicum), beetroot, celery, cabbage, button mushrooms, butternut, etc. Whatever you like. For the dressing: garlic, salt, lemon pepper, rosemary, thyme, allspice (pimento)(trust me), canola (Canadian rapeseed) or olive oil, apple cider vinegar. Clean, trim, and dice/chop/etc the vegetables. Mix together in a bowl with a lid. Add the dressing ingredients, and shake well. Leave a few minutes to marinate. Serve with a protein or carbohydrate based meal. =========================================================================== 13. Things to Think About $ and yet MORE from Greg.. maybe I should add him to my mailing list ;-) From: Greg Knauss So I'm 17-years-old and full of belligerence and outrage. It's 1985 and I, somehow, am attending a speech at the Ambassador hotel given by Edward Zwick, the Director of the US Information Agency for the Reagan Administration. My high-school's Model United Nations chapter wrangled the invitation, and then passed it on to us newspaper geeks when they couldn't find enough MUNers nerdy enough to fill the table. I'm dressed in the standard-issue uniform for 17-year-old outraged belligerents at formal luncheons where government officials will speak: my dad's tie. Ed's up at the podium, a thick, dark man, stuffed into an unflattering brown suit. He's talking about a seven and a half minute video tape that his agency used to dramatize to the _real_ United Nations the Soviet downing of KAL 007. "It lead that body to almost unanimously condemn this evil, criminal deed," he says. I half expect him to add, "So my salary is justified." Then they play a video of President Reagan, on these big-screen TVs around the room, congratulating Ed on his accomplishments. Then they open the floor to questions. The questions are pretty dull -- technical posers about the Voice of America being scrambled by the Cubans, content puzzlers about the KAL video -- and things seem to be winding down when the moderator says, "We have time for one last question. Anyone?" I raise my hand. "Yes," the moderator says. I stand. I suck in a breath. I muster as much belligerence and outrage as I can. "Aren't you being just the least bit hypocritical?" I say. "I mean, did you prepare a seven and a half minute video tape of a ship sinking in the Nicaraguan harbor?" (This was another one of the Reagan Administration mini-scandals -- the CIA had mined the harbor illegally.) There's a silence. The entire room, near as I can remember, turns and looks at me. Ed says, "What?" "Ah," says the moderator. "The young man suggested hypocrisy and asked if a video was produced of a ship sinking in the Nicaraguan harbor." The room begins mummering; mummer, mummer. Ed flushes for a moment, then squares his shoulders and begins a ten minute diatribe about Soviet strength in South America. His entire answer does not contain the words "Yes" or "No." Afterwards, a bunch of people gather around where I'm standing. A few slyly congratulate me, others stare angrily. The school advisor with us jokes that he doesn't want to be walking next to me when we leave the building. One elderly, hunched woman pushes her way through the crowd. She looks up at me, fire alight in her eyes, and says, "I was with the Resistance in France during the War, and snot-nosed kids like you have no idea what you have!" She nods her head sharply, then turns and pushes off. =========================================================================== Items marked with a '$' are original and CopyLeft 1995 by Ian Douglas. See Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged" for explanation of the '$'. The rest is part direct lift from various Net sources, and part paraphrased or directly lifted from various print media. Permission to reproduce is granted as long as source is credited. Back issues available on my web site. To subscribe, send me email. {whew! long issue..}