F 13 **** Compiled, edited & written by Ian Douglas Issue #5: January 1996 iandoug@lia.co.za zasnlids@ibmmail.com http://www.lia.co.za/users/iandoug/ Yeah, I now have my own home page on the World Wide Web. Nothing fancy, just all the issues of F13, all the back issues of my old monthly computer security and virus articles (dating back to 1993), and some other virus papers I wrote. It should be working within the next week. I have mostly recovered after the traumatic episodes of November. While The Most Important Woman In The World (TMIMITW), aka the fake Veronica, continues to keep herself out of my life (no, I don't understand it either.. :-) ), another genuine Veronica walked in. Actually she jogged in. Actually I rode into HER life. She helped my recovery process somewhat. Unfortunately she developed a crush on me, which means I probably caused her some pain. Damn. I hate hurting people. I also made another new friend: The Princess (no relation to the Queen of Desert, who is still inspecting her homeland to judge when to return in glory and triumph). The Princess is your typical average princess: intelligent and beautiful, charming and wise. She is also very busy with complex James-Bond-like activities, meaning she has no time to talk to unimportant people like me. It's not easy being a princess. And some other unknown females have been suddenly become friendly and asking my name. All this attention make a nice change... My good spirits were further boosted when I overheard a flattering comment about me ("hy lyk so mooi as hy glimlag" - he looks so nice when he smiles). This is not as great as being told I look nice all the time, but better than nothing I suppose. Guess I will just have to smile permanently :-) It was the first time I ever heard a compliment about my looks. [Actually, a few years ago we exchanged Valentine's Day cards at work. First and last time I ever received such cards. One claimed I was a very sexual man. Looked like an older woman's handwriting... Oh yes, long ago there was this one slut who claimed I was very sexy without my glasses - but I didn't value her opinion.] I even went on a date. [Yeah, I know: Stop the presses: Ian goes on date!] Actually she just took me out for lunch as payment for services rendered, and brought her boyfriend with... Got rather depressed on 24th, so went to visit Lydia as usual on Christmas Eve. She fed me cooldrink, chips and ice cream, and generally cheered me up... that's what friends are for.. :-) I guess last month's issue was much too morbid, as I never received any fan mail (unless we include the adoration from Veronica). Hopefully this issue will be better. A big welcome to all the new subscribers, some of whom have only just discovered that they are subscribed.. :-) The Princess of course gets her own hardcopy version.. Ok, so I got last month's prediction wrong (again...). Maybe I SHOULD have followed my intuition and predicted rain for Cape Town on Christmas Day. Would have been right... Prediction for January: Could predict that your favourite department store will have a sale, but that is a little too obvious. How about Charles and Di having a quickie - a quick divorce... nah, that will probably only happen in February. My intuition had been mumbling about the Pope, and then he went and got sick on Christmas day, so lets say he will die in January. Current prediction success rate: 0/2. CONTENTS: ~~~~~~~~~ 1. Quotations 2. How To Play Games 3. Computer Security 4. Interesting Stuff 5. The Farsian Chronicles 6. Motivational / Inspirational 7. Science / Technology 8. Advertising / The Media 9. Health 10. Humour 11. NetNews 12. Recipes 13. Things to Think About =========================================================================== 1. Quotations Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly. unknown People call me feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute. (for S.L) Rebecca West (1892-1983) British writer Quarrels would not last long if the fault were only on one side. Francois de La Rochefoucauld You can do very little with faith, but you can do nothing without it. Samuel Butler No one worth possessing \ Can be quite possessed. Sara Teasdale Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood. Oscar Wilde "It would have been better to come back at the same hour," said the fox. "If, for example, you came at four o'clock in the afternoon, then at three o'clock I shall begin to be happy. I shall feel happier and happier as the hour advances. At four o'clock, I shall already be worrying and jumping about. I shall show you how happy I am! But if you come at just any time, I shall never know at what hour my heart is to be ready to greet you... One must observe the proper rites..." from "The Little Prince," by Antoine de Saint-Exup‚ry "Can you teach me to fly like that?" Jonathan Seagull trembled to conquer another unknown. "Of course, if you wish to learn." "I wish. When can we start?" "We could start now, if you'd like." from Richard Bach's "Jonathan Livingstone Seagull" "When law and duty are one, united by religion, you never become fully conscious, fully aware of yourself. You are always a little less than an individual." from "Muad'Dib: The Ninety-nine Wonders of The Universe" by the Princess Irulan, quoted in Frank Herbert's "Dune" [I want to take a break from Francisco's discourse on money, and instead start his discourse on the nature of relationships, since that better serves my current interests. Sorry Oliver :-) For TMIWITW - and don't jump to the wrong conclusion. You should know me better than that by now.] "Do you remember what I said about money and about the men who seek to reverse the law of cause and effect? The men who try to replace the mind by seizing the products of the mind? Well, the man who despises himself tries to gain self-esteem from sexual adventures - which can't be done, because sex is not the cause, but an effect and an expression of a man's sense of his own value... The men who think that wealth comes from material resources and has no intellectual root or meaning, are the men who think - for the same reason - that sex is a physical capacity which functions independently of one's mind, choice or code of values. They think that your body creates a desire and makes a choice for you - just about in some such way as if iron ore transformed itself into railroad rails of its own volition. Love is blind, they say; sex is impervious to reason and mocks the power of all philosophers. But, in fact, a man's sexual choice is the result and the sum of of his fundamental convictions. Tell me what a man finds sexually attractive and I will tell you his entire philosophy of life. Show me the woman he sleeps with and I will tell you his evaluation of himself. No matter what corruption he's taught about the virtue of selflessness, sex is the most profoundly selfish of all acts, an act which he cannot perform for any motive but his own enjoyment - just try to think of performing it in a spirit of selfless charity! - an act which is not possible in self-abasement, only in self-exaltation, only in the confidence of being desired and being worthy of desire. It is an act which forces him to stand naked in spirit, as well as in body, and to accept his real ego as his standard of value. He will always be attracted to the woman who reflects his deepest vision of himself, the woman whose surrender permits him to experience - or to fake - a sense of self-esteem. The man who is profoundly certain of his own value, will want the highest type of woman he can find, the woman he admires, the strongest, the hardest to conquer - because only the possession of a heroine will give him a sense of an achievement, not the possession of a brainless slut.... He does not seek to gain his value, he seeks to express it. There is no conflict between the standards of his mind and the desires of his body." Francisco d'Anconia in Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged" When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China. Unknown (for Steve Hayes) "What the world needs is more geniuses with humility. There are so few of us left." Unknown (but wish *I* had said it :-) kinda like "I used to be conceited, but now I am perfect.") It is the first of all problems for a man to find out what kind of work he is to do in this universe. Thomas Carlyle If heaven is such a great place, why do religious leaders try so hard to keep from going there? There are no simple people. =========================================================================== 2. How To Play Games Rule 6: The game's not over yet. This is our variation of the adage that it does not matter where you are at the beginning, or in the middle; all that counts is where you are at the end. Just because you are doing well now does not mean that you will continue to do well, so don't get over confident. Or, don't count your chickens before that are hatched. Similarly, if you have a disasterous start to the game, do not despair, you can still turn things around and succeed. Rule 7: You are not dead until you are dead Many times, people get into a seemingly hopeless situation, and just give up. Why? Keep fighting until you really lose the life. This is basically the same philosophy as the "Don't Die!" rule. As you continue to strive, the situation changes, and things often turn in your favour. =========================================================================== 3. Computer Security Oliver Steudler of Dynamic Solutions reports nothing of any consequence. (except Glandular.Fever, which only infects humans.) Mitch Dove of Gas Software reports the following recent virus infections (up to 14th December): Johannesburg: Exe_Bug.A, B1, WinWord.Concept, Anti_Exe, Crazy_Boot, Bupt.Boot, Sampo Transkei Exe_Bug.A Windhoek No_int.A, Exe_Bug.C Durban Exe_Bug.A, WinWord.Concept Cape Town WinWord.Concept Zimbabwe Exe_Bug, Crazy_Boot, Mongolian Zambia Anti_Exe Botswana Anti_Exe, Anti_CMOS There are now 5 known macro viruses, and two macro trojans. All infect Microsoft Word documents, except one virus which infects Microsoft Excel spreadsheets. If you have an IBM Thinkpad, and forget your power-on password, you have to take it to an IBM dealer to be reset. Proof of purchase will be required, which should help cut down on thefts... If however, you forgot your hard disk password, you are in DEEP **** - not even IBM can help you reset it, or recover the data from your hard disk. If you forgot your supervisor password, you need to get the whole system board replaced by IBM, who once again will want proof of purchase. Moral of the story: be very careful when choosing passwords.. :-) =========================================================================== 4. Interesting Stuff The Christians stole an ancient Roman celebration of the sun, and turned it into Christmas. In 1880, Woolworths in the USA sold $25000 worth of Christmas decorations. By 1890, this had reached $800000. This marked the commercialisation of Christmas. The 'traditional' fat, bearded, Father Christmas / Santa Claus was introduced by Coca-Cola in the 1930's, dressed of course in Coca-Cola red... The O.J. Simpson trial cost the Los Angeles county more than US$9 million, about a third of which was on sequestering the jurors. The number of AIDS orphans in Kenya will double to around 600 000 by the year 2000, according to government estimates. A six year old Chinese boy set a national record by doing 4826 sit-ups in less than three hours. The world record is 70715 in 24 hours. Steve Jobs, co-founder of Apple Computer, has joined the ranks of the billionaires, on paper anyway. This followed the successful public offering of his company, Pixar Animation Studios, which makes computer animated films. Disney is releasing their "Toy Story," which has been well received. They are to make another two movies for Disney. A Swedish teacher who was fired because she stripped naked in front of a class of unemployed adults to boost their self-confidence was awarded damages by a court. Taiwan's election campaign has once again slipped into a bizarre realm, with one candidate speaking in both male and female voices and another becoming possessed by a spirit bent on legalizing gambling. A monkey which was shot and wounded by an angry peasant whose crops it destroyed in western Ethiopia returned a fortnight later and attacked the farmer. The farmer received treatment for severe bites. At least 43 people were killed in 8,160 vehicle hijackings in South Africa's Gauteng province, which includes Johannesburg, in the first 11 months of this year. South African soldiers have been asked not to swear, not to drink too much, and not to have sex in the mess. [$ fat chance....] A Swedish forest owner fed up with Christmas tree thieves has found a way to get even -- pouring sewage onto the branches to generate a foul smell when the tree is taken inside and the frozen sewage thaws. It is against the law: 1. In Michigan to hitch a crocodile to a fire hydrant. 2. To raise chickens in bottles in New Jersey. 3. To drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Blvd. at one time. 4. To paint a horse in Vermont. 5. To wear suspenders in Nogles, AZ. 6. To swim during the daytime in a pool or river within the city limits of Durango, CO 7. For lions to run wild in the streets of Alderson, WV. 8. For pigeons to fly over Bellevue, KY. 9. To whistle for a lost canary before 7 am in Berkeley, CA. 10. To slurp soup in New Jersey. 11. To knock on doors or ring doorbells in Barker, NJ. 12. To pass a cow in Pine Island District, MN, without tipping your hat. 13. To buy a bag of peanuts after sunset and before sunrise the next day in Alabama. 14. To take a bath in the wintertime in Indiana. 15. To throw shoes at weddings in Colorado. A former California State University student who said he was traumatized by a sexually-explicit lecture and slide show filed a lawsuit for an unspecified amount of money. Craig Rogers, who has since graduated, contended that the lecture last fall about female masturbation amounted to sexual harassment. =========================================================================== 5. The Farsian Chronicles [For those of you who have not heard of Farsia yet, it is an imaginary country on an imaginary planet somewhere in the solar system, and inhabited by various animals. Any similarity to any real persons or situations is a figment of your imagination. It is called Farsia because the going-on there are a farce. It has absolutely nothing to do with any country at the foot of Africa...] There was a call for Farsia to be renamed Insania, since the situation in the country has denigrated from being a farce to being totally insane. We have a civil war in one province, and the animals are killing each other like crazy on the roads. Farsia is the most dangerous country outside a war zone. A new planet was discovered orbiting between Mars and Jupiter, causing great confusion in astrological circles :-). This led to the immediate execution of Royal Astrologers all over the planet, firstly because they had not predicted its discovery, and secondly for not including its influence in their predictions. The planet has also been blamed for Hitler getting the wrong advice from his personal astrologer, leading to him losing the war. All current astrology handbooks are presently being revised. The Lion was voted "Santa of the Year." The Lioness has become embarressed by her frequent appearances in these chronicles, and has kept a very low profile during the last month. The Committee for the Persecution of the Previous Regime had its first meeting. Their first decisions were to base themselves in the most beautiful city in the world (Cape Town), and to pay themselves generous salaries. They denied that they were fat cats on the gravy train. Nor did they set any deadlines, so they are basically employed for the rest of their lives. Ever noticed how kids behave in a supermarket, especially at this time of year? If they see something nice, they immediately demand it from mommy. This is a throwback to our jungle days, where if baby saw a nice banana, he could demand it and mommy could simply pick it and give it to him. Baby has the mentality that everything is for free, no one needs to pay. This same mentality is now appearing amongst the adult animals in different countries on the planet. The United Federal Galaxies had to come to a screeching halt for the second time in two months when they once again ran out of money. The Frogs launched a long strike in protest against their government which wanted to introduce viable economic policies. Even here in Farsia, the government is so bankrupt and desperate for money that they have reversed their previous policy of nationalisation, and now want to privatise state assets to raise cash. However, the animals, still in their something-for-nothing mentality, are opposed to this move. Even the Red Devils, who were quite Capitalistic for a while, want to return to the old someone-else-pays way of life, which saw their country stagnate and collapse. So sad. The weather around the planet has been a little upset. We had floods here in Farsia (after years of drought), as did the Rain Forest People, and the Celts had Serious Snow. The Frogs continued with their campaign to blow up the planet. They emphatically denied that they had discovered a subterranean race which wanted to flood the planet with cheap Champagne. =========================================================================== 6. Motivational / Inspirational "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the glory of God within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." Nelson Mandela, president, Republic of South Africa from his 1994 inaugural speech >From my favourite musical: Carefully Taught ================ Rogers and Hammerstein, "South Pacific" You've got to be taught, to hate and fear You've got to be taught, from year to year Its got to be drummed in your dear little ear You've got to be carefully taught. You've got to be taught, to be afraid Of people whose eyes are oddly made And people whose skin is a different shade You've got to be carefully taught! You've got to be taught, before its too late! Before you are six or seven or eight To hate all the people your relatives hate You've got to be carefully taught! You've got to be *carefully* taught. From: Greg Knauss So I'm wearing a tuxedo and I'm standing up at the front of the church and the organ is playing and everybody's looking at me and OK, maybe I'm just a little nervous, like all those helpful people insisted I should be. The bridesmaids have come down and the groomsmen have joined them and everybody turns to the back of the room and there's a pause and the doors open and there's two people. For just one instant, a flash, I don't recognize Joanne. Then there's a huge thud in my chest, hard, and I know -- I know -- she's the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She starts walking down the aisle, and it looks like she's trying hard not to cry. She's smiling and the veil makes her face look gauzy and soft-focused. Or maybe I'm getting light headed. I can't remember. My heart beats again. Thump. And it's all gone. Everything bad or petty or mean or troublesome, it all falls away. Commutes and releases and moving and planning and car troubles and work troubles and stomach troubles and bitterness and anger and rage. It all just drops away, and left behind it is the most beautiful woman in the world. Thump, again. Still hard. I can hear it in my ears. She's standing next to me now and her father is shaking my hand. We won't be officially married for another twenty minutes or so, but she's next to me and that's really all I need, in the end. It's more than I can ask for. I stand in awe of her. Of her intelligence and her savvy and her common-sense. Her humor and her work ethic. Her ability to handle anything, no matter what. Of how she is everything I'm not, everything that I need. I love her more than I can say, more that I can believe. And I will always love her, as long as my heart beats in my chest. =========================================================================== 7. Science / Technology IBM scientists have developed an optical microscope capable of seeing things 500 times smaller than before - the resolution is now about 5 times larger than an individual atom, allowing them to see molecules for the first time. There are many implications - from gene mapping and correcting genetic defects, to massive storage densities. They could store 30 full length movies on a disk the size of a (US) 1 cent piece. The technology is built on a concept first proposed in 1928. Cape Town's new swanky (and expensive) Two Oceans Aquarium, offered some unique attractions when it opened - the first snoek in captivity, the first tuna, and a giant sunfish. Since then, the ragged tooth sharks have eaten all 20 snoek, the tuna died of disease, and the sunfish was too big, and had to be released. A twelve year old Cape Town schoolboy has been selected for a training course to train astronauts for a NASA trip to Mars in 2019. A team of German biophysicists at the Max Planck Institute have opened a two-way communication between a silicon chip and a leech's nerve cell. No current flows between the two, but the chip stimulates the neuron by inducing an electrical charge inside the leech's cell. The technology should also work with human cells. The two-way communication brings us one step closer to working (controlled by our brain) prosthetic devices. The CyberCap claims to shield human brains, and especially our pineal gland and hypothalamus, from electromagnetic radiation from TV's, computer monitors, etc. About 50% of all PC's purchased today are bought by women. The marketers have taken notice... Solidas in the USA have produced new memory chips capable of holding 6 to 10 times more than normal chips. They use multi-level storage technology in sensitive cells than can distinguish up to 1000 levels from zero to 5 volts. The chips are called ZRAM. At least five South African contractors are getting involved in the US$500 million hydoelectric power plant at Sounda, in the Congo. The project includes the dam and electricity generation. =========================================================================== 8. Advertising / The Media New words heard on SAfm Probable meaning (mostly on AM Live) pollis police en (pronounced 'en') en (as in 'en route') bun barn bunning burning putt and pussle part and parcel New words heard on TV1 (8pm news) / Agenda lust last pearfume purfume "which was recorded live on tape" - Tim Modise on Agenda. This month's prize for the best movie poster is not awarded, as there were no new posters of suitable merit. Telkom has launched another massive ad campaign to persuade us to phone one another. Of course, this was just a cover for their latest round of price increases... There was a Mariah Carey special on TV the other day. She actually bears quite a striking resemblance to Cindy Crawford, both even have a mole. However Mariah comes across as much friendlier and a nicer person. Cindy's debut movie has arrived in South Africa... Scope has finally remade itself as a mostly porn-free mens magazine, and stands out on the 'Adult' shelves as being the only one not in a plastic cover. Had a quick look through, still some kinda-topless females, but no worse than anything published in Vogue. Hustler joined the ranks of Loslyf and got itself banned from the CNA. This must do horrible things to their already dwindling circulation. =========================================================================== 9. Health A company in Cape Town is now offering a 'tracer kit' to help parents determine if their little darlings are taking illegal drugs. It will detect traces of cocaine, heroin, dagga/marijuana, ecstacy, or LSD, on the child's possessions. The parents wipe a special pad over articles the child uses, and send the pad to a lab which determines if any of the above drugs were present. They also offer couseling advice. Now they just need to add alcohol detection as well... According to Men's Health magazine, the best stress reliever is "to have sex." Regular intercourse not only reduces stress, but can prolong life as well. However twice as many women as men would rather give up sex than their television remote control for a week. Lean men under 65 have one third the risk of heart disease than those with beer bellies. Women on the pill have a lower chance of miscarriage, the risk gets even smaller the longer she is on the pill. It has also been found to offer protection against ovarian cancer, and cancer of the womb lining. Malaysia is developing an AIDS problem. Health workers have been trying to flog the idea of using condoms, with little success. The nurses demonstrate how to use a condom by rolling it on their thumb. The husbands then go home and stick the condom over their thumb during intercourse... The nurses are not more precise about WHERE to put the condom due to Islamic sensitivities. Sex education in general is a problem in Moslem countries, and many Islamic governments refuse to admit that they have an AIDS problem. They are also reluctant to promote condoms for fear of encouraging promiscuity. South African prison officials are currently debating whether to issue prisoners with condoms, in an attempt to reduce the spread of AIDS in prisons via homosexual sex. I think they are trying to solve the wrong problem - rather make homosexual sex impossible in prisons... Allan Levine, 55, who modelled for Winston cigarette ads in the 1960's and 1970's, is suing three tobacco companies for failing to warn him about the dangers of smoking. He has had two lung cancer operations since 1988. He started smoking at age 9. You will need to put on around 40kg of weight to equal the strain on your heart caused by one pack of cigarettes a day. The Commonwealth has decided on a 'softly-softly' approach to dealing with the problem of female circumcision. The practice is deeply ingrained in some communities, mainly Black and Moslem, and occurs from South Africa, right through Africa and the Middle East, to Pakistan and Indonesia. Part of the problem is that if they condemn it outright, they will have to condemn male circumcision as well. Male circumcision is even more deeply ingrained and widespread. Personally, I think both qualify as child abuse and should be punished as such - there is no medical reason why either should be done as routine. The practice is about as sensible as chopping off a kid's pinky finger. =========================================================================== 10. Humour Well , there was this king , who had a beautiful daughter. He also had a major problem, His kingdom was being terrorised by a yellow giant. This yellow giant took up station outside his palace and , if someone walked past without paying the giant his toll, the giant proceeded to squash that unfortunate person between his thumb and forefinger. The king called a huge meeting and issued a proclamation that whosoever can defeat this giant will marry his daughter and be heir to the kingdom. All the knights of the realm tried , and were squashed. Then the strongest men in the kingdom tried, and they were squashed. >From the back a small voice piped up "I'll try." It was one of the smallest puniest pages that the king had employed to look after his horses. After much laughter and merriment, the brave page took his lance, mounted up on his small pony, and walked right through the giant's fingers. He stabbed the giant behind his knee, and as the giant fell he proceeded to put his lance right through the giants eye and into his brain. The giant fell - stricken unto death. The page marched up to the king, claimed his bride and was the rightful heir to the kingdom. The moral of the story: LET YOUR PAGES DO THE WALKING THROUGH THE YELLOW FINGERS!!!! The limerick's, admitted, a verse form A terse form: a curse form: a hearse form, It may not be lyric And at best it's satyric And a whale of a tail in perverse form. The limerick's an art-form complex Whose contents run chiefly to sex. It's famous for virgins And masculine urgin's And vulgar erotic effects! Some more on Santa: It has recently come to my attention that an offshore data collection operation has been discovered that appears to intrude into the privacy of our most innocent citizens. The CEO of this operation works on these citizens claiming to be willing to deliver gifts to each of them in return for personal and private information about their life styles, goals and wishes. He claims to have collected massive amounts of data already; he asserts that he sees them when they are sleeping, that he knows when they are awake; he knows when they have been bad or good and implores them to be good for goodness sake. I have it on good authority that the CEO of this operation has stationed agents who, wearing disguises, move among us collecting money from passers-by. These agents implore people to dig into their funds for charitable purposes. Working in cahoots with more cynical citizens, other of his disguised agents offer to deliver gifts revealed through questionable interrogation processes of our innocents. Even his delivery methods (involving James Bond like devices such as flying deer, magical sleds, penetration of private homes through apertures for too small for a normal man) are so extreme as to cause one to wonder how even the most naive among us can believe these assertions. Furthermore, he is an international scofflaw: during the winter, when weather conditions make interception impossible, he flies unregistered aircraft across international borders without a passport, flies over cities below FAA minimum altitudes and generally behaves as a pubic nuisance. In spite of all of these privacy intrusions I hope that he makes a safe landing at your house and leaves a fair number of appropriate holiday tokens for you and yours. SUBJ: Top Ten Santa Pick-Up Lines 10. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh? 9. Wanna see my 12-inch elf? 8. I've got something special in the sack for you! 7. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip? 6. I know when you've been bad or good--so let's skip the small talk, sister! 5. Some of my best toys run on batteries... 4. Interested in seeing the "North Pole?" (Well, that's what the Mrs. calls it ...) 3. I see you when you're sleeping--and you don't wear any underwear, do you? 2. Screw the "nice" list--I've got you on my "naughty" list! 1. Wanna join the "Mile High" club? SUBJ: New Barbie Dolls to Represent the Diversity of Women in the 90s DIVORCED BARBIE (comes with all of Ken's accessories) TEENAGE SINGLE-PARENT BARBIE ("welfare check" from Mattel mailed each month) CRACK ADDICT BARBIE (pipe included, sugar may be used to simulate crack cocaine) BOULEVARD BARBIE (with cheap makeup, short skirt, and high heels) LESBIAN BARBIE (Barbie with a butch) LIPSTICK LESBIAN BARBIE (actually no different in appearance to regular Barbie) BULEMIC BARBIE (also no different in appearance from regular Barbie, but push her tummy and she barfs) BRUNETTE BARBIE (the only Barbie with a brain) QUANTUM PHYSICIST BARBIE (yeah, right) SMART BARBIE (the ugliest Barbie you've ever seen) PUNK BARBIE (has rings in all sorts of strange places) BREAST IMPLANT BARBIE (now Barbie's a D-cup) FEMINIST BARBIE (has unshaven legs and armpits) BATTERED WIFE BARBIE (comes with a restraining order to serve to Ken) BOBBITT BARBIE (with knife--Ken had better watch out) SUBJ: Lawyers At Work "Come to Major Hopkins to get full satisfaction. I win nine-tenths of my cases. If you want to sue, if you have been sued, I am the man to take your case. Embezzlement, highway robbery, felonious assault, arson, and horse stealing don't amount to shucks if you have a good lawyer behind you. My strong point is weeping as I appeal to the jury, and I seldom fail to clear my man. Out of eleven murder cases last year I cleared nine of the murderers. Having been in jail no less than four times myself, my experience cannot fail to prove of value to my clients. Come early and avoid the rush." --advertisement for Arizona lawyer Major Hopkins, circa 1895 In 1971, an attorney filed suit in Pennsylvania against Satan and his servants, claiming they had placed obstacles in his client's path which caused his downfall. To the attorney's dismay, the complaint was denied on the grounds that the defendant did not reside in Pennsylvania. When a New York City man tried to commit suicide by throwing himself off a subway platform into the path of an oncoming train, the train stopped and he was only injured. So the guy's lawyer sued the transit authority, claiming the "the motorman was negligent in _not_stopping_the_train_ quickly_enough_." The lawyer settled out of court for $650,000, even though in the midst of negotiations his client threw himself off another subway platform, once more failing to kill himself. In 1989, after a Long Island, New York, man was convicted of murdering his wife's parents and teenage brother, a lawyer convinced the court that his wife should pay her husband's legal fees of more than $100,000. Defense attorney Elijah Miller, defended his client, John List, who systematically executed his mother, wife, and three children, by claiming: "He committed these acts with love in his heart." When a Decatur, Georgia, man was charged with having tortured and killed 77 cats, he blamed the matter on stress caused by his failure to pass the state bar examination. A noted criminal defense lawyer was making his closing argument for his client accused of murder, although the body of the victim had never been found. The lawyer dramatically turned to the courtroom's clock and, pointing to it, announced, "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have some astounding news. I have found the supposed victim of this murder to be alive! In just ten seconds, she will walk through the door of this courtroom. A heavy quiet suddenly fell over the courtroom as everyone waited for the dramatic entry. But nothing happened. The smirking lawyer continued, "The mere fact that you were watching the door, expecting the victim to walk into this courtroom, is clear proof that you have far more than even a reasonable doubt as to whether a murder was actually committed." Tickled with the impact of his cleverness, the cocky lawyer confidently sat down to await acquittal. The jury was instructed, filed out, and filed back in just ten minutes with a guilty verdict. When the judge brought the proceedings to an end, the dismayed lawyer chased after the jury foreman: "Guilty? How could you convict? You were all watching the door!" "Well," the foreman explained, "Most of us were watching the door. But one of us was watching the defendant, and he wasn't watching the door." In 1989, the lawyer for a Long Island woman--who was in prison for having hired a hit man to kill her then-husband--filed suit against the ex- husband for failing to make monthly support payments. The lawyer argued that just because his client tried to kill the guy, that didn't relieve him of his obligation to support her. In 1964, a woman was injured by a San Francisco cable car. Her lawyer claimed the accident turned her into a nymphomaniac. She won $50,000. In 1978, the attorney representing a convicted murderer sued the state of Indiana for transfer to a women's prison on the grounds that his client's sentence of life imprisonment in an all-male prison was cruel and unusual punishment because it imposed upon him a lifetime of celibacy. SUBJ: If You're Not Smart Enough to Get Out of Jury Duty ... It was my first time on a jury, and the case involved an executive accused of embezzling millions of dollars. In pre-trail selection, the defense attorney posed a delicate question to a prospective juror. "Have you ever been accused of taking anything from your employer that you were not entitled to, Mrs. Smith?" the stern-faced lawyer asked. She responded, "Do you mean other than my paycheck?" Retired federal judge Lawrence Irving, who sat in San Diego Superior Court, tells of a fellow judge who knew that a sequestered jury was in troubled when he received a note from the jury foreman. It read, "How many votes does it take to be unanimous?" The Philadelphia Inquirer, in a roundup of the year's events, gave its "Latin Prize" to a local TV newswoman. She reportedly had called the district attorney's office to ask how to get to "Absentia," in which she had heard a murder trial was being held. Counsel: Can you participate in an endeavor in which the ultimate result might be death by lethal injection? Potential juror: Yeah, I guess I could do it if it was on a weekend. =========================================================================== 11. NetNews The Top Ten SA WWW sites, with their ratings (out of 100) 1. Alchemy of Africa 88 2. LIA South Africa 85 3. Cape Town 80 4. Topcar Magazine 79 5. Virtual Africa 79 6. Worldnet Africa 78 7. SA Computer Buyer 76 8. Traveller's Diary 75 9. Audi Virtual Dealership 73 10. Aztec Internet Services 72 Three of the biggest cable TV operators in the USA have placed orders for modems from Motorola. The modems will allow cable subscribers to surf the internet via the TV cable. Technology that labels internet messages and files has been endorsed by more than 20 companies, including IBM, AT&T, and Microsoft. The Platform for Internet Content Selection (PICS) will help label items as pornographic, violent, or offensive. Phil Zimmerman, creator of the Pretty Good Privacy encryption scheme, has come up with PGP voice. The technology allows people to have untappable, totally secure voice communications over the internet. IBM is considering licencing Sun's Java language, but is also developing its own - a cross between LotusScript, and a new language called Bart. Resources: http://www.creditnet.com Helps you get a credit card http://www.research.att.com/cgi-bin/voices.form/ text to speech demo ftp://ftp.coast.net/SimTel/win3/internet/sextnt16.zip edit Netscape bookmarks http://www.culturefinder.com/ cultural stuff - arts etc http://www.presslink.com/ high speed image downloading http://www.privacy.org/pi/reports/bigbro/ international spy stuff http://www.infoark.com/freecom/ bizarre stories http://www.x86.org/ nasty stuff about Intel http://www.cnet.com/Central/Hot/liquid.html Java add-on for browsers http://www.dash.com/netro/nwx/tmr/tmr.html Medical Reporter e-zine e-zine about business on the net: send "subscribe e-biz" message to listserv@infoback.com http://waroftheworlds.com/ or http://radioclassics.com/ Orson Welles' radio play production of H.G. Welles' War of the Worlds http://www.library.ucsb.edu/ links to interesting sites http://mtv.com/ music video stuff keshi@uticeaix1.icepp.s.u-tokyo.ac.jp address to protest French Nuclear tests http://www.infoweb.co.za/child/childnet.htm pics/details of missing kids =========================================================================== 12. Recipes Vegetable Pilau Serves 4 (so they say) 225g brown rice 3 tablespoons oil 5cm cinnamon stick 4 cardomom pods 4 cloves 1 onion, sliced 600ml beef stock, or salted water 100g each of 3 or 4 of the following: carrots, peas, cabbage, butternut, button mushrooms, celery, spinach leaves (all trimmed/diced/etc) Wash the rice in cold water and leave to soak for 30 minutes. Drain. Heat the oil in a pan, add cardamoms, cloves, and cinnamon, and fry a few seconds. Add onion and brown. Add vegetables, and fry for about 5 minutes. Add rice, and fry for a few minutes. Add stock, bring to the boil, and simmer uncovered until rice is tender and the liquid absorbed. Garnish with lime/lemon slices or dill/fennel sprigs. =========================================================================== 13. Things to Think About The December road death toll in South Africa (as of now - 30th December) is around 700. Last year's total was 1190. Please be careful out there.. 9% of fatal accidents were alcohol related. About one third of the dead were pedestrians. The toll (and alcohol %) is expected to rise substantially by the end of the month. =========================================================================== Items marked with a '$' are original and CopyLeft 1995 by Ian Douglas. Permission to reproduce is granted as long as source is credited. See Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged" for explanation of the '$'. The rest is part direct lift from various Net sources, and part paraphrased or directly lifted from various print media. -------------------------------------------------------------------- iandoug@lia.co.za P.O. Box 484, Sanlamhof 7532, South Africa 36 : 1,73 : 58 : blue : dark brown PGP key available Galileo II zasnlids@ibmmail.com I'm an iN*T*j. I can do anything. :-)