F 13 **** Compiled, edited & written by Ian Douglas Issue #4: December 1995 iandoug@lia.co.za zasnlids@ibmmail.com $ Well, it was one of those months... Sunday morning 19th: Ian was on top of the world... Monday lunch time 20th: one phone call later, Ian was shattered, hurt, depressed, and crying inside. And no, she didn't phone to apologise... :-(( Friday afternoon 24th: Our notorious gale force South Easter wind helps a hobo chuck a load of scrap corrugated iron against my car, doing wonders for the paintwork - and my bank balance too, no doubt. The sad part is that if I had listened to my intuition, I would have avoided it. Guess I must trust my intuition. Sunday morning 25th: Discover that her heart belongs to another. Her sister advises me to leave her alone. Feel that my life is worthless and has no further meaning. All desire for achievement vanishes. Just want to sit and do nothing until death comes... Start pondering that there would be less heartache and more happiness in the world if I was not here. The sad part is that my intuition insists that she likes me and wants me to ask her out. Guess I can't trust my intuition. And to top it all, The Queen of the Desert is busy with exams and gallivanting all over the Middle East.... Thanks to Alex Boll, Carl Harding, Donald, Carl Jordon, and Honing Edgar who sent messages in support of F13; and to Ken Schafer for proving that the FidoNet <--> InterNet gateway still works, sort of (Hi Henk :-) ). From: carlh@iafrica.com (Carl Harding) Subject: F13 (Isn't that a plane?) Who do I blame for my late night last night, you or F13? ;-) I just want to say thanks, it was riviting, but maybe a touch long! $ [This issue is also long - bumper holiday issue :-) ] From: carl.jordaan@pixie.co.za (carl Jordaan) Subject: F13 Nov Great reading meterial, ejoyed the humer, pity some of it is true. Quotation: There is no future in the past. End of quotation. How about a print feature on Roblist so we can share some of the articles with those that are not online $ [You can use the Export feature of RobList - either export to the printer, or export to a file and print it.] From: honinge@ce.philips.nl (Honing Edgar) Subject: I wanna subscribe, please Hi Ian, Someone handed me a paper copy of one of your hilarious texts. Its good to know that there are still people around that use the Net for its intended purpose: the spread of humour around the globe. Unfortunately, I only had a brief glance at it, but it was enough to get me addicted. I would like to ask you to put me in your mailing list (to avoid me having to go cold-turkey in the future...) From: Ken.Schafer@f132.n7102.z5.fidonet.org (Ken Schafer) Subject: This 'n that I've been reading your column in the November issue of Roblist. You've let me down, me boy! TMIWITW? You got MARRIED?! I just **KNEW** something like that would happen if you gave up cycling! (Why wasn't I invited?) Superwoman in the Gulf? Have you lost your rhythm? You just wait 'til TMIWITW finds out, mate! Then this.... "When last did you tell someone you care about, that you love them?" Aren't you in enough trouble already? Sheez! I taught you all I know and you STILL know nothing! Now THIS bit IS interesting! "More Brits are using the rhythm method of contraception." How do they do it? Do they do things rhythmically? What happens when excitement levels rise? Don't they lose their rhythm? Mind you, they're pretty good at maintaining a stiff upper lip, aren't they? Mmm.... Amazing people, the Brits! Take care. Ken. Ok, so I got last month's prediction wrong - I had foolishly assumed that the judges would know what they were doing. Prediction for December: The Nigerian Military Junta will be overthrown by a popular uprising. Current prediction success rate: 0/1. CONTENTS: ~~~~~~~~~ 1. Quotations 2. How To Play Games 3. Computer Security 4. Interesting Stuff 5. The Farsian Chronicles 6. Motivational / Inspirational 7. Science / Technology 8. Advertising / The Media 9. Health 10. Humour 11. NetNews 12. Recipes 13. Things to Think About ===================================================================== 1. Quotations "I found one man in a thousand that I could respect, but not one woman." The Philosopher, Ecclesiastes 7:28b "It is wrong always, everywhere and for everyone to believe anything upon insufficient evidence." W. K. Clifford "The trick, Fletcher, is that we are trying to overcome our limitations in order, patiently." Jonathan Livingstone Seagull "How do you get people to share your values? You don't. You _find_ people who share them and eject those who don't." Jim Collins, author of "Built to Last" "How often it is that the angry man rages denial of what his inner self is telling him." Paul Atreides in Frank Herbert's "Dune" "Have you ever looked for the root of production? Take a look at an electric generator and dare tell yourself that it was created by the muscular effort of unthinking brutes. Try to grow a seed of wheat without the knowledge left to you by men who had to discover it for the first time. Try to obtain your food by means of nothing but physical motions - and you'll learn that man's mind is the root of all the goods produced and of all the wealth that has ever existed on earth." Francisco d'Anconia in Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged" $ And the usual assortment from me.. I figure if I come up with enough of these, one of them will make me famous :-) $ "People who lie to me insult my intelligence. They think I am too stupid to discover the truth, and stupid enough to forget the pain and disappointment." $ "I've never met a woman I can trust." $ "The bond of trust between two people is a fragile flower that must be nutured with open and honest communication." $ "The difference between taking and sharing, is your speed." ===================================================================== 2. How To Play Games Rule #4: Don't Die This should be your guiding philosophy - do whatever it takes to stay alive. In the game, the number of lives you have is usually strictly limited. So in order to prolong the game, don't do silly things that will result in losing a life. [Why do I feel like I am stating the blindly obvious?] The reason for this rule is that many people find themselves in difficult situations, and then just give up and lose the life. If instead, they had the rule Don't Die! pounding through their consciousness, they WOULD do their best, continue fighting, instead of just giving up. This same rule applies to different games like a cricket match or a business deal. In life, there come times when we feel like giving up and losing the life. Don't die. If nothing else, at least put it off until tomorrow. Things will look differently tomorrow. If you still feel the same way, put it off till the next day... and so on.. :-) Rule #5: You can't live for ever A philosophical balance to the rule above. If, in spite of your best efforts, you still die, accept it. Don't hit the machine. When you started playing, you accepted the rules that you might die, so you can't complain. Life is not fair. People get fired every day. They get dumped by their lover every day. It's not nice, but it happens. Take time out, recover, and go on. You learned something that will help you to do better next time. ===================================================================== 3. Computer Security Oliver Steudler of Dynamic Solutions report one new virus - Oppressor-B. A file infector. Have not had time to pull it apart yet, will do so next month. Mitch Dove of Gas Software reports the following recent virus infections: Durban: Natas (hundreds), Exebug.A Johannesburg: Winword.Nuclear, Russian.Flag.B, B1, Bravo, ExeBug.A, Form.A, AntiCmos (many), Stoned.Standard, Stoned.Bunny, J&M, Little.Red.A, Mte.Coffeeshop Zimbabwe: Exebug.A Windhoek: Form.A, Monkey Pretoria: Stoned.Noint He also reports that there is a large set of trojanised AMI BIOS chips going around which halt the machine during boot-up on the 13 th November and play 'Happy Birthday' from the PC speakers until you press a key. DO NOTE that it's NOT a virus - it will not replicate from an affected machine. If you have this problem, contact your hardware vendor for a BIOS replacement. The Good Times 'virus' has surfaced yet again, spreading unnecessary panic in the corporate world. Please people, get this straight: spreading viruses by merely reading email messages is impossible. McAfee has released a new product called WebScan that claims to detect viruses before you download them. According to Oliver Steudler, it is basically a browser-cum-scanner, and unzips .zip files and scans them before giving you access to it. ===================================================================== 4. Interesting Stuff Eskom, South Africa's Electricity Supply Commission, is committed to electrifying 1 750 000 homes over the next 5 years. They are doing 1000 homes a day at present. For every 100 homes electrified, 10 to 20 new economic activities are started. American billionaire J.R. Simplot made more than $2.5 billion in 24 months. That is over $5 million every working day... He never finished high school, and made over half his fortune after his 84th birthday. His fortune is built on chips - potato and silicon. Bill Gates of Microsoft did even better. His increased his wealth by $4.7 billion in about the same period - about $13 million a day, or $149 a second. Two people I would like to get my hands on: the guy who invented the necktie, and the guy who decided to put the numbers on a telephone in a different order to those on calculators... The British Queen Mother, now 95, has had her right hip replaced. Kent police pulled over a car with a missing taillight and found weapons inside, including a leather bludgeon, a spiked club and four kitchen and pocket knives. The driver, an 18-year-old girl, said the weapons were for protection and the spiked club was of "great sentimental value." She was cited for possessing weapons capable of harm. (Sept. 26) In September in Newport, R.I., burglary suspect Jamie Johnson, 24, fleeing police, scaled an iron picket fence, struggled with cops at the top, then fell off and ran briefly before being arrested. At the police station, cops noticed Johnson was bleeding at the crotch. According to the Associated Press, police "returned to the [scene] and retrieved Johnson's testicles, which were still impaled on the fence." They said Johnson had never mentioned that he was in pain. [Springfield Union-News-AP, 9- 15-95] Rick Quessenberry of Springfield, MO, was named as one of the six people on America's World Championship of Hairstyling team scheduled to compete next summer in Washington, D. C. (In all, 200,000 hairstylists will attend the Hair World convention.) The teams compete in categories such as "business hair," "nighttime social hair," "progressive hair," and a technical hairstyling event. The hairdressers march in an Olympics-style opening ceremony, and after each event, the winner's flag is raised and its national anthem played. [Springfield News-Leader, 7-26-95] A list of most-popular nursing home and retirement home songs (published in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch), according to St. Louis disk jockey Michael Laurance, who entertains at about 80 such places in the area, included "YMCA" (the Village People), "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" (Meat Loaf), and "1999" (Prince). [St. Louis Post-Dispatch, 8-13-95] Several days after the Oklahoma City bombing in April, Libyan leader Moammar Qaadhafi predicted that "thousands of militias" would soon wage revolution in America, and urged President and Mrs. Clinton to seek political asylum in Libya, "the only safe country in the world." [Newark Star-Ledger-AP, 5-1-95] Mr. Joe Buddy Caine, 35, died in Anniston, Ala., in September, from rattlesnake bites. He was bitten while tossing the snake around in a game of catch with his friend Junior Bright, who himself was hospitalized with bites. [Houston Chronicle-Scripps Howard, 9-9-95] In June, a jury in Pensacola, Fla., awarded nearly $600,000 to Pedro Duran, 56, in his lawsuit against the CSX company. Duran lost his left arm and suffered a broken back and leg when a CSX train hit him as he lay on the tracks, passed out from a round of drinking. According to trial testimony, an engineer spotted what he thought was a lump of trash on the tracks and sounded the whistle as a precaution for 54 seconds before the collision. However, the "lump of trash"--Duran--didn't move. [Orlando Sentinel-AP, 7-1-95] Martin George Clever, 32, arrested in Lakewood, Colo., for burglary in July, told police that he entered the home in the early evening because he saw two naked dolls in the yard pointing to a sliding-glass door. He said he thought they were inviting him inside. [Denver Post, 7-18-95] The Japanese now have a Rent-A-Pet service, for people who would like to hire a pet for a few hours or days. ===================================================================== 5. The Farsian Chronicles [For those of you who have not heard of Farsia yet, it is an imaginary country on an imaginary planet somewhere in the solar system, and inhabited by various animals. Any similarity to any real persons or situations is a figment of your imagination. It is called Farsia because the going-on there are a farce. It has absolutely nothing to do with any country at the foot of Africa...] $ The Lioness is under severe financial pressure. Nearly lost her house, but got by with a little bit of help from her friends and The Lion. She was also sued for a little overseas jaunt, doing a little Illict Diamond Buying on the side. $ The Lion and the General went to see the Crocodile, who proved that he could still waggle his fingers wildly. The Lion was amused. $ The Princess had decided to kiss and tell. Guess she thought that anything the Prince could do, she could do better. $ The United Federal Galaxies came to a screeching halt for a whole week, due to running out of money. The Lioness denied that she was responsible. The UFG government has never run better than in that one week. $ The Oily Ants upset the whole world by hanging some animals that they didn't like. The Lion took it personally got very upset as he saw the incident as insubordination, and launched an international vendetta for revenge. $ The Frogs continued their campaign to blow up the planet. Frogs do not have ears, which is how they are able to ignore the protests from all the other animals. $ The Lion called the Secretary Bird "a joke." Nobody laughed. ===================================================================== 6. Motivational / Inspirational Old readers of RobList will have seen this before.. apologies, but I like it, and it is appropriate for the season. It is dedicated to those most frustrating of creatures, the women in my life... KING ARTHUR'S RIDDLE One Christmastide, when King Arthur's Court was at the height of its glory, a lady came into the banquet hall crying for vengeance. Kneeling before the King, she told how she and her betrothed were riding over the moor when they came to a great castle by a lake. A tall knight came out, and challenged the new-comer to combat; but the place was enchanted ground, and the lady's sweetheart could not draw his sword. The knight of the castle dragged him from the saddle like a child, and carried him to the castle, a prisoner. When the lady ran to her lover's aid she was knocked down by a buffet on the face. "Go," cried the churlish knight, "go to Carlisle and ask vengeance from King Arthur. Tell him many of his knights are rotting in my dungeon now, and if he dare venture in the shade of my castle he shall join them." King Arthur leaped to his feet, and swore he would not taste food or drink again till he had fought this insolent knave. At dawn next day he set off alone. The poor lady had told him how to find the castle, which stood by the heath on Tarn Wathelan. When King Arthur reached the place there was no sign of life. He drew his sword Excalibur and blew his bugle three times. Then he shouted: "Come forth and fight, Knight if the Castle! King Arthur has come to punish you for your crimes." Instantly the door of the castle opened, and the enchantment fell on the King. Excalibur clattered to the ground from his helpless hand, the reins dropped on his horse's neck. The knight of the castle came out, swinging his great club. "You are my prisoner, King," he said, "but I will give you one chance of ransoming yourself. Swear by the Rood to return in a year's time and tell me what_thing_it_is_that_all_women_most_desire, and I will let you go now." King Arthur, his head bowed in shame, vowed to return. The knight went in, and strength returned again to the King. Mournfully he rode away, but not to Carlisle. He gave a shepherd some gold, and bad him take a message to Queen Guinevere to say that he was going on a long journey. Then he rode north and south, east and west, asking every woman he met the knight's riddle. Nearly every one made a different answer, according to whether they were religious or wordly, proud or loving, covetous or charitable. The King wrote down all the answers, but he did not know which of them was right, and he grew more miserable every day as the seasons sped, and Christmas drew near. It was a sad man who wrode through the snow-clad woods towards the enchanted castle. All at once he saw a patch of crimson through the trees. A woman sat between an oak and a holly. The King drew near to ask his riddle, but when he saw the face of the woman in the red gown his face drew cold, fearing she was a witch. She had one blear eye, ragged grey hair, a crooked nose, a long mouth which showed stumps of teeth, a nutcracker chin, and withered cheeks. "All hail, King Arthur!" she cried. "Would you like to know what thing it is that all women most desire?" The King was quite certain now that she was a witch. "I will tell you and save your life" said the old hag, "if you promise to find me a brave, courteous, and handsome husband from the knights of your Court." King Arthur promised, for he was fain to live on in the light of the sun and to see his wife and home again. The old woman gave him the answer. Then he rode on to the castle by Tarn Wathelan, and sounded his bugle. The knight came out, swinging the keys of his dungeon. "Well!" he asked, "what is it that all women most desire in the world?" "Their own way," replied the King. At this the knight gave a cry of wrath. "You are ransomed," he cried, "but some witch has helped you to find the answer, and she shall burn for it." King Arthur hastened back to Carlisle, where he was met with great rejoicings. But he would not speak of his absence, and was heavy at heart. At last his nephew Sir Gawain drew him to one side and begged to know the cause of the King's sorrow. When he had heard the story he said: "But why are you mournful, Uncle?" "Because I cannot keep my promise to the old woman," said the King. "No one would marry her." "I will if no one else will," said Gawain; " you shall not be dishonoured." The King thanked him heartily. Next day he called for a hunting party, and led them to the wood near Tarn Wathelan. As uncle and nephew rode through the woods they suddenly heard shouts of laughter from some knights who were on ahead. They hastened up, and found Sir Kaye and a few others jeering at the old woman in the crimson robe sitting between the holly and the oak. "By my fay," cried Sir Kaye, "here is a pretty wood nymph! Here is a damsel to set all the shepherd's hearts aching!" "Do not mock this woman," said the King; "she saved my life, and I am pledged to grant her a boon. Which of my knights will redeem my promise and marry her?" One and all drew back muttering, "She is eighty years old," "She is lame," "She is humpbacked." The old woman began to weep at their scorn and loathing. Then Gawain knelt and asked her to be his bride. She smiled at him with her dreadful mouth, and said, "Noblest of knights, heaven will reward your chivalry." The company rode back to Carlisle, Gawain bearing the old hag in front of him on his horse. Guinevere was her lady-in-waiting at her bridal, and Arthur was the groomsman. There was a great feast, and afterwards the bridal pair led the dance. Gawain's grace and courtesy made men sigh as he guided the limping old crone through the stately measure. At length the bridesmaids led her away to rest. Gawain sat mournfully amongst the revellers, who dared not mock his wife aloud, but whispered many a cruel jest about her behind his back. Presently Gawain went to his wife's room. She was sitting by the fire. As Gawain entered a log fell, the flame blazed up, and he saw a beautiful young maiden. As he gazed, speechless, she said: "You are silent, husband, at the sight of your own work. My stepmother, who is a witch, cast an enchantment upon me, which by your chivalry is half broken. Henceforth I may be myself, either by day or by night, and an old hag the rest of the time. Choose which it shall be." Gawain thought at first that he would like her to be beautiful in the daytime, at tournments and hawking parties; afterwards he thought he would like her to be beautiful by torchlight, when the minstrels sang, and kinsmen gathered round the fire, and they were alone together. But at last he said: "Choose thyself; thou hast the right, and thou art wiser than I." At this she clapped her hands and cried: "Now is the enchantment quite broken, and I shall be myself for evermore!" So King Arthur was ransomed, Sir Gawain won a lovely wife, and the lady had her own way. ===================================================================== 7. Science / Technology The Europeans have launched the first of their next series of space missions. The Infra-Red Space Observatory will search the universe for details on how stars and planets are made. It is so sensitive to heat that it had to be kept at near-zero temperatures until it got into space. Compaq and Acer slashed some PC prices in the USA by 25% - 50%. Panasonic have demonstrated the world's first portable video phone. While South African yuppies rush to embrace satellite television, the Germans have produced a rectangular satellite dish about the size of 4 chocolate bars. The Yanks have produced a new security system that uses an infra-red image of people's faces to identify them. Every face has a unique thermal pattern, that remains constant, no matter what the surrounding air temperature is, or if the person is sick. G-11, the anti-bacterial compound found in Gill soap, was invented 50 years ago. Sony is to move into the PC world, following lower profits in their traditional consumer electronics business. 8-speed CD-ROM drives are now available. 10 and 12 speed versions should be out in the next 18 months. Also, I expect the new DVD standard to be out by then, so don't buy a CD-ROM drive now unless you really need it. A new secuity card for PC's sprays dye over components when thieves try to break into the computer. Theft of CPU's and memory chips is becoming a major problem at many companies. A South African company, Murray & Roberts, has won a contract to construct the world's tallest building, on an artificial island in Dubhai. (Hi Shaz) The Natal Shark Board has won some contracts to install shark nets on Hong Kong beaches. South Africans are world leaders in anti-shark technology. ===================================================================== 8. Advertising / The Media New words heard on SAfm Probable meaning (mostly on AM Live) sloosh slush fanally finally hudder harder New words heard on TV1 (8pm news) chuttered chartered This month's prize for the best movie poster goes to Showgirls. Last month's should have gone to Species. "You know that she's female..." Martin Bailie on SAfm's "20 Questions" "South Africa will be the first to have cosmonauts and astronauts in space." Dept President Thabo Mbeki, November 1995 CNA is not selling the current issue of "Loslyf", the Afrikaans girlie magazine. If it was banned by the same guy who banned the excellent NoseWeek Magazine (which has the word Week in its title, claims to be published monthly, and comes out every three months or so), it is a Must Buy... They showed my favourite movie, Casablanca, on TV recently. Here are some of the lines from the movie, which is one of the most quoted movies. It is also rated by critics as the best commercial Hollywood movie ever made... "Everybody comes to Rick's." (The original title of the play) "What a fool I was to fall for a man like you." "I stick my neck out for nobody." "Make it ten - I am only a _poor_, corrupt official." "Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine..." "Here's looking at you, kid." "We'll always have Paris." "As leader of all illegal activities in Casablanca, I am an influential and respected man." "I have no conviction, if that's what you mean." "Round up the usual suspects." (now a movie in its own right) The Financial Mail is advertising on radio that it is now available on the World Wide Web, and that we now have no excuse for not reading the Financial Mail. Actually we do. They didn't give us the address on the Net... The new ads for the new yuppie gimmick, the Beepa, are the most disgusting that I have ever seen. I don't know HOW the company executives, or the SABC, passed them for screening. What target market are they aiming at - violent people who viciously assault other people for no reason? For those who have not seen the ads, we have the 'hero' either head-butting, or kneeing the victim in the groin. Glad to see the Liquifruit ad is back - I can watch that ad all day. Actually I mean I could watch that model all day... :-) The Beatles have released a new album. George Harrison agreed to the reunion because he is running out of money. They are using old tapes of John Lennon singing as John is dead. They expect to make the usual millions... ===================================================================== 9. Health Seems that the 'male menopause' is a reality, and is caused by a lack of the male hormone, testosterone. This could be caused by extremely low fat diets, insufficient cholestrol, anxiety, tight clothes, and heavy drinking. There is now a hormone patch treatment available. (At least *I* don't have that problem :-) ) There is now a 'brain pace maker' available - it helps to regulate your brain waves, and thus alter your mental state. They are using it to treat migraine and epilepsy. It has also been used successfully with ME (Yuppie Flu). The Chinese believe that short people live longer. More than half of China's centenarians are under 1,52 m tall, and the country's oldest man, who was said to be 131 at death, was 1,37 m. Stress does nasty things to you. The ancient fight-or-flight syndrome causes a rush of adrenaline, which thickens your blood, loosens your bowels, expands your blood vessels servicing the heart and major muscles, while contracting peripheral blood vessels. We inhale more oxygen, and heart rate and blood pressure also increase. The fleeing or fighting then broke down the adrenaline, and the body returned to normal. Nowadays we need other methods to achieve the same ends, like exercise, meditation, etc. The new breast implants are filled with a vegetable-based fat, and electronically tagged so that if they leak, you can find where the stuff leaked to. They allow X-rays to pass through, facilitating better screening for breast cancer. Warm, touchy-feely men who regularly give their partner a hug and a kiss live on average 5 years longer. They also have fewer driving accidents and earn about 30% more than other 'cool' men. ===================================================================== 10. Humour Bikes are better than women: (Especially for Gary) 1. They don't get pregnant. 2. They don't whine unless there is something seriously wrong. 3. You can share them with your friends. 4. They don't care how many other bicycles you have ridden. 5. They don't mind if you buy bicycle magazines. 6. You can say anything you like to them, and don't have to apologise before you ride them again. 7. They never want a night out with other bicycles. 8. If you get a new one, you don't have to keep sending money to your old one. 9. They never sag as they get older. Since it is Christmas, and I am on a Truth crusade, here is the bad news: IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS? 1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen. 2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each. 3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth. 5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to gravitational forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force. In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now. Have a Merry Christmas! Picture this: There's me, astride my Suzie (Now, now, no rude remarks please!) waiting patiently for the traffic lights to change, when I'm startled by an impatient "BLAAAT!!!" I glance to my left and there's this.... this.... Yuppie - complete with gold earring, patch-leather jacket, pony tail and cellphone glued to his ear - squeezing in alongside me in his smart red yuppymobile. He sees me looking at him, puts his phone down and zaps me a finger. "VROOM!!??" I challenge. "VRROOOOM-VRROOOM!!" He replies. The lights change. Engines roar! Tyres yelp! We go barreling down the drag, neck and neck, zipping through the early afternoon traffic like we were glued together. Uh-oh! Traffic lights coming up. Will we make it?? Maybe!.. er... maybe not. The lights change, should I chance it? Yes, yes! go for it NO!!! I don't think so! Slack off, gear down. Cross traffic starts to move but, for a moment, I think Yuppie's going to go for it, then I see his brake lights flare. I manage to stop neatly on the line, and Yuppie comes to a halt half a length over the line. A quick shunt back and once again I'm staring at myself reflected in the twin mirrors of his wrap-around shades. He zaps me a finger. "VROOOM??" Says I. "VRROOOM-VRROOOM!!!" Says he. Lights change. Engines roar! Tyres Yelp! * KE-RUNCH-BANG-KAPOW-Tinkle-tinkle!! * Poor Yuppie! Guess he forgot his car was still in reverse gear. English is a Crazy Language Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb thru annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Send shipments by car and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another? Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it. The following is a joke for BRIDGE players: A woman was applying for a maid's position. When asked why she left her last place of employment, she replies: Yes sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked. They played a game called "Bridge" and last night a lot of folks were there. As I was about to bring in the refreshments, I heard a man say, "Lay down and let's see what you got." Another man said, "I've got strength, but no length." And another man said to the lady, "Take your hand off my trick." I nearly dropped dead when the lady answered, "You forced me....you jumped me when you didn't have the strength for one raise." Another lady was talking about protecting her honor. Two other ladies were talking, and one said, "Now it's time for you to play with my husband, and I will play with yours." Well, I just got my hat and coat, and as I was leaving, I hope to die if one of them didn't say, "Well, I guess we'll go home now. This is the last rubber." Walking down the street, a man passes a house and notices a child trying to reach the doorbell. No matter how much the little guy stretches, he can't make it. The man calls out, "Let me get that for you," and he bounds onto the porch to ring the bell. "Thanks, mister," says the kid. "Now let's run." Moses is sitting in the Egyptian ghetto, things are going terribly: the Pharoah won't even talk to him, the rest of the Hebrews are mad at him for making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc. He's about ready to give up. Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice speaks from above: "YOU, MOSES, HEED ME. I HAVE GOOD NEWS, AND BAD NEWS." Moses is staggered. The voice continues: "YOU, MOSES, WILL LEAD THE PEOPLE OF ISRAEL FROM BONDAGE. IF THE PHAROAH REFUSES TO RELEASE YOUR BONDS I WILL SMOTE EGYPT WITH A RAIN OF FROGS. "YOU, MOSES, WILL LEAD THE PEOPLE OF ISRAEL TO THE PROMISED LAND. IF THE PHAROAH BLOCKS YOUR WAY I WILL SMOTE EGYPT WITH A PLAGUE OF LOCUSTS. "YOU, MOSES, WILL LEAD THE PEOPLE TO FREEDOM AND SAFETY. IF THE PHAROAH'S ARMY PURSUES YOU, I WILL PART THE WATERS OF THE RED SEA TO OPEN YOUR PATH TO THE PROMISED LAND." Moses is stunned. He stammers, "That's, that's fantastic, I can't believe it! - but what's the bad news?" "YOU, MOSES, MUST WRITE THE ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT STATEMENT." What's the difference between a hooker, a lover, and a wife? Hooker: "Was it good for you?" Lover: "It was good for me, how about you?" Wife: "Beige... I definitely think I'll paint the ceiling beige..." The 31st October was the aniversary of the death of Harry Houdini, and also Halloween in the USA: SUBJ: Top Ten Reasons Trick-Or-Treating Is Better Than Sex 10. Guaranteed to get a little something in the sack 9. If you get tired, wait ten minutes and go at it again 8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some 7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you candy 6. The person you are with doesn't fantasize you are someone else 5. Forty years from now you will still enjoy candy 4. If you wear a Bill Clinton mask, no one thinks you are kinky 3. Doesn't matter if the kids hear you moan and groan 2. Less guilt the next morning 1. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door. Lawers typically aren't funny--unless by accident. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide. They were compiled by a client of the Salt Lake City law firm of Johnson & Hatch. Q: Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No. This is how I dress when I go to work. Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears? A: No. Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears? A: Picking them up in the air. Q: Where was the dog at this time? A: Attached to the ears. Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff? A: She is my daughter. Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979? Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim? Q: ...and what did he do then? A: He came home, and next morning he was dead. Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead? Q: Could you see him from where you were standing? A: I could see his head. Q: And where was his head? A: Just above his shoulders. Q: ... any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial? A: The victim lived. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? A: Yes, I have been since early childhood. Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You, too, were shot in the fracas? A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval. Q: Did you stay all night with this man in New York? A: I refuse to answer that question. Q: Did you stay all night with this man in Chicago? A: I refuse to answer that question. Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami? A: No. Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And, by whose death was it terminated? Q: How did you happen to go to Dr. Cheney? A: Well, a gal down by the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cheney and said he was really good. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? A: I will be three months November 8th. Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time? Q: Mrs. Smith, you do believe that you are emotionally unstable? A: I used to be. Q: How many times have you committed suicide? A: Four times. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies have been on dead people. Q: Were you acquainted with the decedent? A: Yes, sir. Q: Before or after he died? Q: You say you're innocent, yet five people swore they saw you steal a watch. A: Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me steal it. Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station? A: MR. BROOKS. Objection. That question should be taken out and shot. Q: At the time you first saw Dr. McCarty, had you ever seen him prior to that time? JUDGE: I rarely do so, but for whatever purpose it may serve, I will indicate for the record that I approached this case with a completely open mind. Q: Did the lady standing the driveway subsequently identify herself to you? A: Yes, she did. Q: Who did she say she was? A: She said she was the owner of the dog's wife. Q: I understand you're Bernie Davis's mother. A: Yes. Q: How long have you known him? Q: Now, I'm going to show you what has been marked as State's Exhibit No. 2 and ask if you recognize the picture? A: John Fletecher. Q: That's you? A: Yes, sir. Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right? Q: Please state the location of your right foot immediately prior to impact. A: Immediately before the impact, my right foot was located at the immediate end of my right leg. Q: Where were you on the bike at the time? A: On the seat. Q: I meant where is the street. Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child? Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning? Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me." Q: Did he kill you? Q: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war? Q: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? Q: Were you alone or by yourself? Q: How long have you been a French Canadian? Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind? Q: So you were gone until you returned? A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question." Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes Q: How many were boys? A: None Q: Were there girls? Q: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it? Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? Q: Have you lived in this town all your life? A: Not yet. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel? A: It was in the evening. the autopsy started about 8:30 pm. Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct? A: No, you stupid [jerk], he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy! Before we recess, let's listen in on one last exchange--this one involving a child: Q: And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral, O.K.? A: Oral. Q: How old are you? A: Oral. SUBJ: The New Maths Here is how elementary-math teaching has evolved over the last 30 years ... Teaching, 1960: A peasant sells a sack of potatoes at $20. His overhead expenses are 4/5ths of the selling price. Compute his gains. Traditional teaching, 1970: A peasant sells a sack of potatoes at $20. His overhead expenses are 4/5ths of the selling price--that is $16. Compute his gains. Modern teaching, 1970: A peasant exchanges a set P of potatoes for a set M of coins. The cardinal of the set M is 20 and each element m in M is worth $1. The set E of overhead expenses comprises 4 fat points less than the set M. Draw the set E as a subset of the set M and compute the cardinal of the set G of gains. Inner-City Teaching, 1980: A farmer sells a sack of potatoes $20. His overhead expenses are $16 and his gains are $4. Homework: Underline the word "potatoes" and discuss it with your work partner. Reformed teaching, 1990: A Kepitelist privilegd pesent gets richr unjustly by $4 for a potato sak, analiz the tekst and luk for mistaks in kontent gremer speling and punktuasion end then say wat u thin about this way of geting rich Two nuns were driving down the road when the devil suddenly landed on the roof of their car. "Oh, no!" cried one nun, "What should we do?" "Show him your cross," said the other nun. So the first nun rolled down her window and shouted out at the devil, "I don't like it one single bit that you're on our car ..." As a primer for the novice operagoer, here are the encapsulations of six of the world's classical works: Verdi's AIDA: Love does *not* conquer all. Aida dies. Verdi's LA TRAVIATA: Don't lie to a woman. Violetta dies. Verdi's RIGOLETTO: Money talks; s*** walks. Gilda dies. Puccini's MADAME BUTTERFLY: Men are pigs. Butterfly dies. Puccini's LA BOHEME: Throw her down, pass her around. Mimi dies. Puccini's TURANDOT: An Italian tenor can melt an icy bitch. Liu dies. Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a bad lawyer? A: Chelsea. After a long and vigorous life, Ronald Reagan dies. He appears at the pearly gates of heaven. As Reagan approaches, St. Peter looks up his name in the Book of Life--and behold, it is there. There is an annotation, however. St. Peter explains to Reagan that he may enter, but that he must spend a year in penance if he is to enjoy the full rewards of heaven. His penance will consist of a year in a room with Atilla the Hun. Reagan thinks this over for about ten minutes, after which he decides that a year is nothing compared with eternity and accepts his penance. St. Peter guides him down a long hall in their "Short-Term Penance" section, and shows Reagan to his room, where he can see Atilla waiting for him. He looks around, and on the other side of the hall he sees Bob Dole in a room with BO DEREK! Before Peter can close the door Reagan grabs him and says. "Hey, this isn't very fair! That person over there wasn't all that much better on earth than I was." St. Peter shrugs him off and says: "Bo Derek's penance is none of your business." WHAT DO GIRLS THINK? We asked a random sample of girls between 14 and 22 the following questions, and received the following responses: What I Like About Boys: They buy you meals and stuff: 62% They're really cute, especially lifeguards: 53% When you have a boyfriend, other girls respect you more: 42% Names you can write on a notebook: 27% They try to get you drunk, so you can drink all you want: 15% Sex and making out: 12% They have neat cars/can drive you to cheerleading practice: 11% Football uniforms: 9% They can lift things: 7% They can see parking spaces at the mall better: 2% When I Grow Up I Want to Be ... Mother and astronaut: 34% Linda Evans: 26% Nice: 24% Actress and model: 20% Cowboy cheerleader/brain surgeon: 17% Near Mick Jagger: 11% First Lady: 5% Girl in an MTV video: 4% My Best Friend Is ... Kathy: 18% Tracey: 17% Debbie: 16% Susie: 15% Maggie: 13% Jackie: 12% Beckie: 10% Mick Jagger: 8% ===================================================================== 11. NetNews $ Commerce is slowly invading the net.. we now even have small classified ads on the popular WWW search engine at InfoSeek. $ I finally ventured back into the world of Usenet Newsgroups.. and noticed some changes since I left. For starters, the notorious alt.sex.beastiality.hamsters.duct-tape seems to have disappeared. (No, I did NOT read it...). Instead we now have alt.sex.beastiality.barney, which I presume refers to Barney the dinosaur from TV. There is also the rather worrying alt.sex.necrophilia and alt.sex.paedophiles, just the sort of newsgroups to have the blue rinse brigade throw up their hands in horror and give the net a bad name. (If you don't know what those funny latin words mean, don't worry :-) ) $ In case anyone is wondering, I had to read through all the available titles to see which ones I wanted to subscribe to. No, I did not subscribe to any of those mentioned above... Telkom has released its prices for providing its own Internet service, SAIX - the South African International Exchange. Their prices are pretty much what other service providers are charging. LeClub Internet Access's Home Page has been declared one of the top WWW sites in Africa and South Africa. The next generation of the Internet Protocol, Ipng, is nearing completion. It will solve many of the problems that the current IP has. Sony and Visa are to set up a Sony Station on the WWW. You will be able to listen to music and watch videos. Oxford University in England has followed the lead of Carnegie Mellon and University of Michigan in the USA and cut access to certain sex-orientated newsgroups on Usenet. Netscape has dramatically lowered the prices of its Internet Server software suites. Oracle is to release a WWW Browser that is said to knock the socks off Netscape and co... The Audit Bureau of Circulation is to start validating the number of hits that sites have. Registration of SA Domain names is now handled by Uniforum SA. The cost per name is now R200. $ Resources: http://www.artn.nwu.edu/virus.html pictures of viruses, including HIV http://www.sbic.co.za/rmd/base.htm Standard Bank home pages http://www.sabc.co.za/ South African Broadcasting Corp http://www.sub.cutaneous.org.za/ Sub-cutaneous magazine http://www.net99.net/ Radio station on the net http://www.nlighting.com/e-money.html Position paper: publishing on the net http://www.nlm.nih.gov/extramural_research.dir/visible_human.html http://www.infomkt.ibm.com/ New search engine from IBM http://www.microsoft.com/windows/ Stuff about Windoze and Win95 http://www.hotwired.com/market/ Article about cyberstores http://www.1800musicnow.mci.com/ Another music store http://www.nhes.com/ Global climate stuff http://www-cs-students.stanford.edu/~friedman/power_pack.html Netscape stuff http://travelguide.ms.wwa.com/ Travel guide http://www.netree.com/ Beta of NetBuddy (tracks changes) http://www.sfnb.com/ Security First Network bank http://www.newgalaxy.com/ngdads/psistaria/psistar.html Virtual Dining http://www.is.co.za/travdiary/td Travel Diary http://www.usc.edu/dept/garden/ Tend a garden on the net... http://www.toyota.com/ Toyota home page http://www.pentagon.net/ CD shop http://www.satimes.press.net/ Star newspaper ===================================================================== 12. Recipes $ Scrambled eggs. Makes a nice and quick snack. Will also provide most of your protein for the day. If you have a cholestrol problem, don't eat this, eat raw apples and cooked oats instead :-) Serves 1: 6 large eggs salt and lemon pepper to taste parsley to taste thyme to taste nutmeg (powdered) to taste. Not too much. 2 garlic gloves, or garlic flakes butter for frying Break eggs into a bowl, discarding the shells :-) Whisk. Slice or chop the peeled garlic. Add all other ingredients to eggs and whisk. Melt the butter in a pan, when hot, add eggs. Stir with whisk until cooked - not moist, but not over dry either. Serve immediately. Do not eat on toast. Do not add milk. Doing either of these will cause digestive problems. Serve with vegetables if you like. Nutmeg is large quantities is hallucinogenic. ===================================================================== 13. Things to Think About $ Isn't it terrible that locks need to exist? ===================================================================== Items marked with a '$' are original and CopyLeft 1995 by Ian Douglas. Permission to reproduce is granted as long as source is credited. See Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged" for explanation of the '$'. The rest is part direct lift from various Net sources, and part paraphrased or directly lifted from various print media. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- iandoug@lia.co.za P.O. Box 484, Sanlamhof 7532, South Africa 36 : 1,73 : 58 : blue : dark brown iN*T*j PGP key available zasnlids@ibmmail.com Action occurs when desire overcomes fear.