F 13 **** Compiled, edited & written by Ian Douglas Issue #3: November 1995 iandoug@lia.co.za zasnlids@ibmmail.com Introduction: Well, going international via the InterNet has caused me some problems... some of the stuff I write about (particularly the adverts, and the Farsian Chronicles), will have little relevance for foreign readers. I ask their forgiveness and will try to 'internationalise' my coverage in these areas. One benefit of going international is a fascinating new friend in the Persian Gulf. She is teaching me a great deal. We have decided to have 21 children. Each. Together. (It was her idea... ) In her spare time, she will have a career and change the world. And you thought SuperWoman didn't exist! I have also acquired The Most Important Woman In The World (TMIWITW) as a reader, forcing me to be more selective in my choice of humour.. :-) Note that F13 is written in a fixed-font in plain old MS-Dos, so if it looks funny on your screen, try saving it and reading it with a Dos program like List. Once again I received some lovely compliments.. thanks and roses to Rudy and Pierre, amongst others. From: krugerg@ce.philips.nl (kruger G.) Hi Ian, When you send me the issue i read it at once, it's `very' humoures. Most of the employees here looked confused to me, when i'm crying out loud on the floor of my office... (c: Pfffeeeuuwwww.... Laughing `can' hurt! Pls. add me to the list, and i can only say go on Dewd... It's eXellent! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Feel the breath of life in you, and be fascinated that you're alive... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ From: "Pierre Leblond" Date: Fri, 20 Oct 1995 20:46:15 +0200 Hi Ian, I have just downloaded Rob's List for October and came across your extremely amusing and informative magazine (?). It kept me absorbed and glued to my monitor for a long time. My daughter being at university especially enjoyed your University jokes - she swears that some of her multiple choice exams aren't much different from the one you featured!! You have obviously put a tremendous amount of time into F13 and I for one salute you - I look forward to your next issue and wish you to know that your efforts are much appreciated. Regards - Pierre Leblond .................................... Ian' prediction for the month: Bernalee Daniell will become South Africa's third Miss World...if she can hold off those blondes.. This edition is rather long, so much good stuff came my way. I even left a lot out... CONTENTS: ~~~~~~~~~ 1. Quotations 2. How To Play Games 3. Computer Security 4. Interesting Stuff 5. The Farsian Chronicles 6. Motivational / Inspirational 7. Science / Technology 8. Advertising / The Media 9. Health 10. Humour 11. NetNews 12. Recipes 13. Things to Think About ===================================================================== 1. Quotations After last month's rather heavy political quotes, something a bit lighter.. "I took a course in speed reading and was able to read _War_and_Peace_ in twenty minutes. It's about Russia." Woody Allen "Very funny Scotty. Now beam down my clothes." Captain James T. Kirk of USS Enterprise "Boys, men, they're all the same. As long as I don't return their feelings, it just gives me more power." "The party with the least interest always has the power in a relationship." Computer journalist Robert X. Cringely's girlfriend, Pammy "If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed." Albert Einstein (4 S.L.) "...it is as hard to do your duty when men are sneering at you as when they are shooting at you." Woodrow Wilson "Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult." Charlotte Whitton (1896-1975) "Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternatives." Maurice Chevalier "From what we get, we can make a living; what we give, however, makes a life." Arthur Ashe (who had the same personality type as me) "There's not enough sax and violins on television." anon "Friendship is always a sweet responsibility, never an opportunity." Kahlil Gibran "When your opponent fears you, then's the moment when you give the fear it's own rein, give it the time to work on him. Let it become terror. The terrified man fights himself. Eventually, he attacks in desperation. That is the most dangerous moment, but the terrified man can be trusted usually to make a fatal mistake. You are being trained here to detect these mistakes and use them." Duncan Idaho's advice to Paul in Frank Herbert's "Dune" "When you accept money in payment for your effort, you do so only on the conviction that you will exchange it for the product of the effort of others. It is not the moochers or the looters who give value to money. Not an ocean of tears nor all the guns in the world can transform those pieces of paper in your wallet into the bread you will need to survive tomorrow. Those pieces of paper, which should have been gold, are a token of honour - your claim upon the energy of the men who produce. Your wallet is your statement of hope that somewhere in the world around you there are men who will not default on that moral principle which is the root of money. Is this what you consider evil?" Francisco d'Anconia in Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged" "You can do almost anything with 0 and 1." Ian Douglas (computer joke) "The lesson from Windows 95: Market your mousetrap better, and the world will beat a path to your door." Ian Douglas "What is the point of changing the world if you have no one to share the pleasure of the victory with?" Ian Douglas "You will never get anywhere if all you do is your job." Ian Douglas "If you have too many irons in the fire, you will put the fire out." Ian Douglas "The Net is the cheapest form of psychotherapy in the world." Ian Douglas (Ok, another creative month over..) ===================================================================== 2. How To Play Games Rule No. 2: Never Panic. Another simple sounding rule, and the second most frequent cause of losing a life. When you panic, you lose your self confidence. Your mind goes blank, and your concentration disappears. You cannot play properly under such circumstances. This concept is true whether you are playing Asteroids or rugby, asking a girl for a date or the boss for a rise. Unfortunately it is easier said than done. Panic is born of fear, and fear is the mind killer (see quotations in Issue #1.) You need absolute mental discipline, to remind yourself that you CAN cope. You are good. You can handle anything the game (or life) throws at you. Remind yourself of this continuously. Self confidence is the key to almost all achievement. Rule No. 3: Learn from your mistakes. The most fascinating thing for me when watching people play games is how often they try the same move over and over, especially when it did not succeed. I guess they think, "maybe THIS time it will work." It won't. If the circumstances are exactly the same, and you do the same move, you will have the same result - failure. So LEARN from these failures, and try something different next time. But there is an even better way - learn from OTHER people's mistakes. Why go through the same painful learning experience when you can benefit from the mistakes of others? Watch what they do that does not work, and be sure to try a different approach yourself. And copy what DOES work... :-) As usual, this guideline applies to all areas of life, not just arcade games... A Computer Scientist, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt, scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do? "I know," said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way." "No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way." "Well," said the Computer Scientist, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again. ===================================================================== 3. Computer Security Oliver Steudler of Dynamic Solutions reports some cases of Die Hard 2, and also of the Prank macro virus for MicroSoft Word. Mitch Dove of Gas Software reports that there are now four known macro viruses, including one that wants you to protest against the French nuclear tests. The source code for Prank is apparently on the InterNet. The Winword.Nuclear macro virus also is a dropper for another virus. However this routine has bugs and does not work. One of the other macro viruses infects Excel spreadsheets. These macro.viruses are ideally suited for 'data diddling' - changing data in spreadsheets, documents, etc. This could cause major problems for businesses... I heard of a serious case of AntiExe (aka NewBug) - several thousand infected floppies were sent out countrywide. Users of Win95 may lose data if they access files across a network. If you copy a file onto itself, it is truncated, effectively losing your data. A fix is available from Microsoft. Computer equipment worth 200 million pounds a year is stolen in the UK. Major security flaw in Win95: at the log-on screen, press Ctrl+Esc. This will bring up the task manager. Run Explorer, getting unimpeded access to the desktop. You can even kill the desktop. Netscape has problems running under Win95, creating 'packet storms'. Problem is apparently caused by the TCP/IP stack provided by Microsoft.. Ian Melamed is running seminars around the country on how to fight computer crime. The one in Cape Town is on 1 November, a public holiday... Students in America found at least three security holes in the popular Netscape Navigator browser program for the World Wide Web. Netscape is fixing the holes. Ford motor company apparently sent out a press kit with a diskette in. The diskette was infected with the 'Monkey' virus. Monkey is nasty. A British company got a GBP500 000 phone bill after hackers used a dozen of its phone lines to make calls around the world. IBM has warned that some models of monitor Model 9527, risk shocking the user. IBM will check the monitors for free. Computer scientists are puzzled by the early outbreak this year of the notorious Christmas.Fever virus. This virus affects retail organisations. The larger the organisation, the more it is affected. In previous years, the virus usually appeared sometime in November. However I found an outbreak in the local supermarket as early as the middle of October. Symptoms of the virus include old songs, frequently referring to snow, strange men walking around in red costumes, and lots of glittery decorations all over. The virus reaches its peak around the 24th of December, and disappears completely by around the 28th of December. ===================================================================== 4. Interesting Stuff The most interesting thing that happened recently was OJ Simpson getting acquitted on murder charges... Dr Suess (of Cat-in-the-Hat fame) had this to say: Judge Ito: DID YOU DO THIS AWFUL CRIME? DID YOU DO IT ANYTIME? OJ: I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would not, anytime. Judge Ito: DID YOU TAKE THIS PERSON'S LIFE? DID YOU DO IT WITH A KNIFE? OJ: I did not do it with a knife. I did not, could not, kill my wife. I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would not, anytime. Judge Ito: DID YOU LEAVE A POOL OF BLOOD? DID YOU DROP THIS BLOODY GLOVE? OJ: I did not leave a pool of blood. I cannot even wear that glove. I did not do it with a knife. I did not, could not, kill my wife. I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would not, anytime. As he was leaving the court, OJ was asked if he would remarry. He said that he 'might take a stab at it.' He also asked the judge for his glove back... "Acquittal of the guilty damns the judge." Horace "Lawyers are men who hire out their words and anger." Horace "A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer." Robert Frost "Laws are like spider's webs: If some poor weak creature come up against them, it is caught; but a big one can break through and get away." Solon October is known as Suicide Month in South Africa. Several theories have been proposed as to why the rate rises in October. These include the wind (which blows strongly and makes some people depressed), the approachinng year end (another year gone, another year wasted), drought in rural areas (summer rains are _supposed_ to start in October), the Christmas season (no money for presents), fears about exam results, etc. South African Information Technology skills are rated amongst the top 25% in the world. We are "hard working, have had stringent training, are multi-talented, and unafraid of new technology." The top three electronic information companies in the world: 1. NTT of Japan (telecomms) 2. AT&T of USA (telecomms) 3. IBM Manufacturers expect to sell 60 million PC's this year, and 100 million a year by 1999. A local astrologer, who claims to specialise in the stock market, predicts that the markets will lose 40% of their value in the next few months. Apparently having the moon and Saturn positioned exactly 180 degrees from Neptune and Jupiter causes stock prices to change. As Pluto is 150 degrees from mid heaven, this means that prices will crash. Sure. Obviously. In Idaho, fishing from the back of any animal is illegal. It's against the law in North Dakota to go to bed wearing shoes. It is illegal in Pittsburgh, Penn., to sleep in a refrigerator. In L.A. it is against the law to complain through the mail that a hotel has cockroaches, even if it is true. A Kentucky law says that burglary can only be committed at night. In Corning, Iowa, it is illegal to speak to anyone passing along the street or sidewalk. In Manville, NJ, it is illegal to feed animals whiskey or cigarettes in a public park. Woman Accused of Sitting on Ex-Boyfriend for Two Hours: NORRISTOWN, Pennsylvania (AP)--A woman released from prison has been charged with assault, reckless endangering and stalking after sitting on her boyfriend for two hours, police said. Apparently, boyfriend William Narr had strayed while she was away. Police said Juanita Winston returned to boyfriend William Narr's liquor store, threw him onto a ramp, wrapped an apron around his neck and forced him into a chair, where she sat on him until he would take her back. "I am absolutely not making this incident up; in fact, I have it all on videotape. "The tape is from a local TV news show in Oregon, which sent a reporter out to cover the removal of a 45-foot, eight-ton dead whale that washed up on the beach. The responsibility for getting rid of the carcass was placed upon the Oregon State Highway Division, apparently on the theory that highways and whales are very similar in the sense of being large objects. "So anyway, the highway engineers hit upon the plan--remember, I am not making this up--of blowing up the whale with dynamite. "The thinking here was that the whale would be blown into small pieces, which would be eaten by sea gulls, and that would be that. A textbook whale removal. "So they moved the spectators back up the beach, put a half-ton of dynamite next to the whale and set it off. I am probably not guilty of understatement when I say that what follows (on the videotape) is the most wonderful event in the history of the universe. First you see the whale carcass disappear in a huge blast of smoke and flame. "Then you hear the happy spectators shouting "Yay" and "Whee." "Then, suddenly, the crowd's tone changes. You hear a new sound like "splud." "You hear a woman's voice shouting "Here come pieces of ... MY GOD ..." Something smears the camera lens. "Later, the reporter explains: "The humor of the entire situation suddenly gave way to a run for survival as huge chunks of whale blubber fell everywhere." One piece caved in the roof of a car parked more than a quarter of a mile away. Remaining on the beach were several rotting whale sectors the size of condominium units. "There was no sign of the sea gulls." SUBJ: Penguin Entertainment A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the paper reports "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs." 'Irvine, California, is a "planned community," meaning that everything here is nice and clean and organized and totally and completely awful. The Rules: Keep your garage door close. Don't wash your car in the drive-way or on the street. Get approval for the color you want to paint your house. Don't grow -- or cut -- that tree. Keep the lawn tidy. Don't park on the street. Move along. Don't question authority. Ignorance is knowledge. You Are Being Watched.' A sixteen year old high school dropout now owns his own software company in British Columbia, Canada. He is also a consultant for Apple, for more than US$100 000. He chain smokes and drinks a lot of coffee. The University of Cape Town has been rated the top institution for scientific research in South Africa. Wits was second, with Groote Schuur Hospital (attached to UCT) a distant third. South Africa is now apparently on the list of desirable destinations for sex tours for paedophiles. Johannesburg and Durban seem to be the main sites. One area of Lagos, Nigeria, averages four ritual murders a month. Auckland, New Zealand, elected their first Indian mayor, and the world's first transsexual mayor. A Japanese used car salesman faked his own drowing in the Philippines, to collect a life insurance payout of 500 million yen. He has been arrested. A jogger in Ventersdorp got a heart attack while out jogging, and dropped dead. Someone passing by took the opportunity to cut off his genitals, probably for use in 'muti' (traditional medicine). The genitals are used as a fertility treatment, and white men's genitals are considered more potent than black men's. Einstein failed French at school. There are between 100 000 and 1 million chemical reactions in your brain every minute. ===================================================================== 5. The Farsian Chronicles [For those of you who have not heard of Farsia yet, it is an imaginary country on an imaginary planet somewhere in the solar system, and inhabited by various animals. Any similarity to any real persons or situations is a figment of your imagination. It is called Farsia because the going-on there are a farce. It has absolutely nothing to do with any country at the foot of Africa...] The Lion is continuing with his divorce from the Lioness. She is not impressed, neither is her family. The divorce will mean a major social climbdown for her, as well as the loss of lots of perks and the future loss of a rather substantial pension when the Lion dies... She denied threatening to liberate herself from the Lion with matches and tyres. Farsia is gearing itself for the first local elections in its short democratic history. Many of the animals are confused, and can not understand why they have to vote again, after voting only last year. Many have said they will not bother to vote, as nothing will change. To change this perception, the Awfully Nice Communists have suddenly made dozens of announcements detailing all the results of their Really Dubious Plans. The ruling party, the Awfully Nice Communists, followed the example set by their predecessors, the Naughty Party, and lowered the price of prune juice just days before the election. The animals use prune juice to power their Personal Transport Devices. All the political parties have carefully ignored the fact that these will be local elections, and instead ran election campaigns based on problems properly only dealt with by the national government, like crime. I guess bragging that they will offer better plumbing is not likely to excite an animal into supporting them... Not much else happened here this month. The Lion took a trip off to The United Federal Galaxies, where he made many impressive speeches to loud applause. He also got stuck in the traffic jams. The Lion also made an impassioned plea to the Jackdaws, begging them not to leave Farsia. I guess it diminishes your royal stature a bit if your wealthy subjects keep leaving... The Frogs continued with their campaign to blow up the whole galaxy. Loud protests from animals all over the universe have so far failed to stop the 'experiments'. The Frogs denied that they are actually trying to build a shortcut from their homeland to their holiday homes, straight through the planet. ===================================================================== 6. Motivational / Inspirational Old readers of RobList will have seen this before.. apologies, but it is good.. How to protect yourself from comments that cut to the quick WHEN WORDS HURT By Jennifer James "You're hopeless." "My, that's a great looking dress. A pity they didn't have your size." "I hear your daughter finally got a job. Did her father arrange it?" "Why waste your time practising? You'll never play the piano like your mother." "Gee, you look mavellous! Did you have plastic surgery?" Verbal missiles zap us every day, often when we're least prepared. They seem to be everywhere: on the road, when rush hour brings out the worst in people; in queues, when everyone's patience is wearing thin; at work and at the dinner table, where people feel free to be rude. There are so many styles of criticism that it's impossible to catalogue them all. There are common, everyday remarks ("Congratulations! You finally made it!") and others so hurtful they leave us dizzy and upset ("How do you manage to keep your bosom so small?" or "Oh, I see you are doing what you do best - eating!"). Then there are comments insensitive beyond belief. WHen a man had plucked up the courage to tell his mother that his wife had left him, his mother snapped, "What took her so long?" My favourite category of putdowns is the well-dressed remark otherwise known as "constructive criticism" (which is anything but). You can recognize downers like these by the company they keep - usually such phrases as "I hope you don't mind if I'm honest" or "I'm telling you this for your own good". Somehow, you're supposed to admire the critic for candour and appreciate his concern, while you try and recover from the punch in your stomach. It's easy, when you defend yourself from insults, to get caught in a vicious cycle of attck and counterattack. Fortunately there are a number of ways to deflect the barbs - and boost your self-esteem. The next time you find yourself the victim of criticism, try one of the following strategies. 1. Look behind the insult. People who criticise have a lot of hurt to unload. If you can't work out what's really bothering the critic, ask. Remember, not every criticism has your name on it. So step back and consider the source. 2. Analyze the remark. In "The Gentle Art of Verbal Self--Defence", Suzette Haden Elgin suggests dividing an attack into its parts and responding to the unspoken assumption - without playing the victim. The secret is to examine what was said - before you get emotionally involved. Don't take the bait if you can avoid it. 3. Face your critic. It's not easy to stand up to insults. One trick is to be direct. Defuse the negative comment with retorts such as "Is there any reason you would want to hurt my feelings?" or "Are you aware how that remark might sound to other people?" As an alternative, ask the person to clarify his or her statement: "What did you mean by that?" or "I want to make sure I understood what you said." As soon as the critics know you are on to their game they will leave you alone. Nothing shames more than being caught in the act. 4. Use humour. A woman told me about her mother, who devoted her life to keeping an immaculate house. One day the mother spied a cobweb in her daughter's kitchen and asked, "What's that?" Her daughter quipped, "A science project." Making light of life is one of the best weapons against insults. A quick wit can cope with almost anyone. 5. Set up signals. A woman told me about her husband, who criticised her only in public. She began carrying a small towel, and whenever he made a hurtful remark she would put it on her head. He was so embarrassed that he stopped. 6. Brush it off. Go along with whatever is said. If your wife says, "You've gained about ten kilograms, haven't you dear?" respond: "Actually it's closer to 12." If she persists, "Aren't you going to do anything about it?" try: "Probably not. Just be fat for a while." A remark has power only if you grant it power. By being agreeable, you immobilize it. 7. Ignore the insult. Note the comment, realize it doesn't "belong" to you and simply let it go. The ability to forgive is one of the most important survival skills we can cultivate. If you're not quite ready for that, let the speaker know you registered the remark but won't respond. "When they know you know, critics are much more careful." 8. Add ten percent. You will never be able to stop all the hurtful comments from reaching you. Try to accept some verbal assaults as the normal venting of the frustration we all encounter. Most of us try not to insult others, but on occasion we make mistakes. So, defend yourself when it seems appropriate, but also consider the ten percent solution: "Ten percent of the time, something you have bought will turn out to be cheaper elsewhere. Ten percent of the time, something you lent to someone will come back damaged. Ten percent of the time, even your best friend will say something that is thoughtless and regret it." In other words, develop a thick skin. It is often easier to assume that people are doing the best they can, and that many are simply unaware of the impact of their behaviour. It costs far more to defend yourself constantly, to need to be right and in control. Try forgiving, and you will get much more than ten percent in return. After a man had verbally attacked Buddha, he responded with the following question, "Son, if someone declined to accept a present, to whom would it belong?" The man answered, "To him who offered it." "And so", said Buddha, "I decline to accept your abuse." The world is full of people who establish their worth by degrading others. They have pockets and purses full of put-downs - and they'll gladly hand them out to anyone. Refuse to accept their insults, even when hurled under the guise of love. By ignoring them, you'll reduce tension, strengthen your relationships and increase your joy. ===================================================================== 7. Science / Technology In the USA, RadioShack have introduced a new 'black box' for your TV. It is a system that lets users select from onscreen TV program listings, to program their VCR, check the news from news agencies, and weather and sports scores. Intel will add multimedia extensions to their Pentium Pro (previously called the P6) chip in the second half of 1996, to boost its power by 20-40%. They expect this to make it better for games and WWW browsers. Time-Warner Interactive will release a game for Win95 called Endorfun. It uses subliminal onscreen messages, like "I expect pleasure and satisfaction" or "I am free from dependency." Cyrix has launched their successor to Intel's Pentium chip, called 6x86. The chip runs at 100MHz. Next year they will have a smaller one running at 120MHz. The South African Weather Bureau has upgraded their Cray Y-MP super computer, increasing its memory. They expect more accurate forecasts. Philips has launched a new black box for TV's in the UK. With the box, which is a Philips Interactive CD player, a special modem, and a TV set, you can now surf the internet. You control the system with a remote control, and type on an on-screen keyboard when necessary. An international consortium is building the largest man-made structure in the world: a fibre-optic cable 27 300 km long, connecting Europe, the Middle East, and Asia. It will cross all three major oceans, the Mediterranean, and the Red Sea. Philips and Oracle are teaming up to produce a screen phone that will pick up your email without needing a PC. Users of Vodacom network cell phones will soon have caller-id on their phones, mostly only for other cell phones. Now they can see who is calling. Meanwhile, rival network MTN has introduced voice dialing for people phoning from their car. Apple is to launch their new Newton 2 in a spectacular fashion. Four of the world's largest chip makers (IBM, Toshiba, Siemens, Motorolla) are to join forces to develop the next generation of memory chips. This is because of the high costs involved. The goal is a 1-gigabit RAM chip. Intel has developed technology to let people watch TV on their computers, and receive related information from the internet at the same time. The technology is called InterCast. The replacement to Intel's buggy Pentium chip is worth getting - it divides correctly and twice as fast as the buggy version. Hewlett-Packard, Informix Software, and Gemplus, are working on a smart card that will replace all our phone, credit and bank cards with one card. It will also be an electronic purse, and store a host of other information. Motorolla will increase production of smartcard controller chips to 10 million a week. They have 70% of the market, and expect the total market to reach US$ 1 billion by the year 2000. In Japan, NEC will increase capital expenditure on chip production to US$ 2,1 billion in the current financial year. A part of Charles Babbage's Difference Engine was recently auctioned for $280,000 in the US. The Difference Engine, which was never built, was a prototype of our modern computers, except that it was mechanical. "In a brief nod to the event, the New York Times noted that the machine sold for three times the expected price -- a sign, as the newspaper dryly put it, that 'interest in technology-related artifacts has been growing in recent years.'" Iranian police arrested 30 people for making satellite dishes. They are banned in Iran in an effort to prevent a Western 'cultural invasion'. Sony lost the video format battle, but now Sony/Philips have won over rivals Toshiba to their standard for the upcoming digital video disk (DVD). DVD will replace video cassette recorders, Compact Disk, and CD-ROM machines. A subsidary of Denel, the defence contractors, is to assemble video game cartridges here in South Africa. One of the games is Mortal Kombat... ===================================================================== 8. Advertising / The Media New words heard on SAfm Probable meaning (mostly on AM Live) gravensis grievences regudless regardless in the mound in the amount ickel eagle merry marry juggen jargon fowrim forum minwhile meanwhile ucksis access access excess x eggs putties parties beezy busy New words heard on TV1 (8pm news) vundelise vandalise dissiplain discipline christianed christened unvealed unveiled SAfm's AM Live news actuality program has taken to playing at least one song a day in a language that most of their listeners do not understand. A source close to the program's producer leaked next month's playlist to me, and immediately denied having done so. The list is as follows: Ancient Peruvian Funeral Chants New Guinea Initiation Agonies Mating Dances of the South Pacific Popular Eskimo Hunting Songs Tibetan Wedding Waltzes Famous Bushman Animal Sounds Lesser Known Mongolian Love Songs Music to Play Russian Roulette by The new Opel Astra ad is pretty good - it does a nice job of lovingly showing off the new car's exterior. The superimposed writing could be bigger and easier to read. But then they blow the whole ad by trying to be 'funny' or 'cute' at the end. [Actually, many ads do this... wonder why..] The little girl speaks to the little boy: "Timothy, will you marry me?" "So you DO love me!.." "No, but I _LOVE_ your car.." Now what must we conclude from this? That women are shallow, and are more concerned with what car a man drives than with the man himself? That they are prepared to marry (see: spend rest of life with) a man just because he has a car they like? That women think love is irrelevant? That women don't care about hurting a man's feeling? Surely not.... A better conversation would go as follows: "Timothy, will you marry me?" "So you DO love me!..." "Yes - you have such EXCELLENT taste..." In the past, I would know that summer had arrived when Coppertone started advertising suntan lotions on TV. They no longer do. (Pity. They had a nice theme song - Get the Coppertone tan...). However I think summer HAS arrived, since there are now lots of insecticide ads on TV... Old Mutual and Sanlam both have new ads, and both are good in their own ways. Old Mutual's is colourful and attention-grabbing, since we don't normally see purple, green, blue, yellow, etc people walking around. The emotions come across clearly. However the visuals are so good that the voice-overs get ignored, and only picked up by the subconscious. A plus for the ad is the constant use of their corporate colour, green, in nearly every scene. Sanlam's ad is possibly their best 'baby' ad ever - mainly because of the excellent voice-sync, especially on the Afrikaans version. The story is cute and emotional, with a strong positive theme that many people will identify with. They could have used more Sanlam Blue as a reinforcer. "From any cross-section of ads, the general advertiser's attitude would seem to be: if you are a lousy, smelly, idle, underprivileged and oversexed status-seeking neurotic moron, give me your money." Kenneth Bromfield Two ads are showing off the brilliant capabilities of computer animation in advertising: The Lucozade 'dancing goldfish', and the Ford Escort 'fire bird'. Kudos to the artists :-) Attempts by the Atomic Energy Corporation to have the Afrikaans TV drama series Die Laksman (The Executioner) banned failed in court. However SOMEONE managed to have the screening of the controversial movie Jesus of Montreal cancelled, without warning, explanation or apology. The Nestle Pure Dairy Cream ad is showing its age. The same ad has been running for at least 10 to 15 years now... ===================================================================== 9. Health The European Union paid farmers in Britain to destroy some apple orchards, in an attempt to raise the price of apples. The British are now selling vegetarian dog food. Apparently at least 50000 dogs in Britain don't like meat. People who start going grey in their 20's, or are more than half grey by 40, are 4 times more likely to develop osteoporosis than people who retain their hair colour. More people in Britain are using the rhythm method of contraception. It is simple, and 98% effective if done properly. This is as good as the pill, apparently. Research in the USA shows that adequate intake of the B vitamins folic acid, B6, and B12, reduces the risk of cardiovascular disease. The Australians have invented a Pink Marshmallow Salad. ===================================================================== 10. Humour Last month's "Exam Questions" proved popular, so here are some more, especially for all those who start their exams soon.. SELECTIONS FROM THE WEST VIRGINIA SCHOLASTIC APTITUDE PREPARATORY TEST (the S.A.P.) ENGLISH 1. Which of the following is the correct answer to this question? a. b. c. d. e. none of the above 2. ingot:bleak :: ingot:_______ a. tepid b. gold c. oak d. bolonga e. bleak 3. pork:algae :: green:_______ a. six b. five c. ten d. marble e. red 4. mugger:park :: king:_______ a. castle b. burger c. queen d. Jacuzzi e. bleak READING COMPREHENSION Read the following carefully and answer the questions below. In addition to the obvious effects of solar activity on the upper atmosphere, some scientists contend that it also affects the weather. These contentions, however, are for the most part unconfirmed and some are very dubious. Even further afield, a British researcher on epidemiology claimed last year that "the periods of world dominance of successive major subtypes of influenza 'A' virus have synchronized closely with the periodicity of sunspots." Correlations of biomedical phenomenon with solar activity, such as this one, are generally not taken seriously by most Western scientists. Many researchers in the Soviet Union, however, do believe in such possibilites, including even a correlation of sunspots with outbreaks of plague-spreading rodents in central Asia. 1. In what lanuage is the British researcher speaking? a. Japanese b. Urdu c. Bengali d. British e. Media 2. The term "most Western" means a. Hawaii b. John Ford's longest film c. nothing d. correct 3. A conclusion that could be drawn from this passage is a. Russian scientists are idiots and Russia is full of rats b. The sun has sunspots c. Don't ask a question of a British researcher if you want an answer d. all of the above MATHEMATICS 1. Which of the following is a number? a. blue b. Jacques Cousteau c. watermelon d. John Doe e. 5 2. If Juan is fourteen and weighs 150 pounds, and Grover is nine and weighs 70 pounds, what is the probability that Juan can get anything he wants from Grover? a. 0% b. 100% c. a and b d. a only e. b only 3. Delbert McBumm wants to pawn a hundred-dollar watch. The pawnbroker gives him eleven dollars for it and then sells it for a hundred and twenty-five. What was the relative rate of mark-up in the watch in relation to half of its worth, if the worth is calculated at three-quarters the difference between the pawnbrokers's offer and 78% of Delbert's assessment of the watch's value? a. 100 b. 50 c. 75 d. 115 e. none of the above /\50 6/\ 5. Calculate the shaded area 6/ \__/ \2 of the figure at the right. / 2 | a. 0 b. 50% c. (c) only \ /\ | d. the answer is (a) 9\ /7 \ |10 e. go back, it's (a) \/ 8\__| 6. Grant McSwine is a repairman. If he tells Mr. White that it will take him about 10 hours to do a specific job, how long will it really take him? a. six weeks b. half an hour c. about three hundred dollars longer d. not enough information because the type of repair is not indicated QUANTITATIVE COMPARISON In the following questions you are asked to compare two quantities. These quantities may be equal, or one may be bigger, or neither. On your answer sheet choose a if b is bigger, choose b if a and b are equal, choose c if a is bigger, choose d if neither one is bigger, choose e if both are bigger, choose f if the answer cannot be determined from the information given, choose g if you have no idea. a. 2 b. 15 a. the area of a circle b. the area of a square whose area is 10 whose area is 10 a. my dad b. your dad a. New York City b. Limpid, Iowa a. something b. nothing a. a mountain b. a molehill ------------------------------------------------------------- This is an actual essay written by a college applicant to New York University in response to this question: 3A. IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON? I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to college. (The author was accepted and is now attending NYU) =================================================================== Next item is especially for TMIWITW: SUBJ: You Just Might Be a Grad Student If ... Apparently by B. Chas Parisher You can identify universities by their internet domains. You are constantly looking for a thesis in novels. You have difficulty reading anything that doesn't have footnotes. You understand jokes about Foucoult. The concept of free time scares you. You consider caffeine to be a major food group. You've ever brought books with you on vacation and actually studied. Saturday nights spent studying no longer seem weird. The professor doesn't show up to class and you discuss the readings, anyway. You've ever travelled across two state lines specifically to go to a library. You appreciate the fact that you get to choose *which* twenty hours out of the day you have to work. You still feel guilty about giving students low grades (you'll get over it). You can read course books and cook at the same time. You schedule events for academic vacations so your friends can come. You've ever worn out a library card. You find taking notes in a park relaxing. You find yourself citing sources in conversation. You've ever sent a personal letter with footnotes. A look at love, dating, etc... GARD'S LAWS ON LOVE 1. If you meet a woman, and you like her, then she... + has a boyfriend + is a lesbian + has many friends she prefers to you + doesn't notice you're there 2. If a girl likes you, then you won't know before she has lost her interest in you and it is impossible to get her back. 3. If you meet a girl who likes you, and you like her, and she doesn't have a boyfriend, then she will have one within the week, and it won't be you. 4. The only way to win a girl is to take her love for granted (if you appreciate it, she'll get tired of you). 5. If you take her love for granted, everything will just go to hell. 6. If you don't have a girlfriend, there's always someone to remind you about it. 7. If you there's a girl who bothers you, date her, etc. etc. and in the end tell her that you love her--you won't hear from her again for the rest of your life. 8. About who picks you up: + If you're heterosexual, then homosexuals will try to pick you up. + If you're homosexual, then heterosexuals will try to pick you up. + If you're bi-sexual, then no one will try to pick you up. 9. If you have a friend who knows a girl who is desperately looking for a guy, he'll splice her with someone else. 10. If you both love something, she'll hate it next week. 11. If she's having a good time, it's not because of you. Dating Dictionary: ATTRACTION the act of associating horniness with a particular person. LOVE the delusion that one woman somehow differs from another. LOVE AT 1st SIGHT what occurs when two extremely horny--but not entirely choosy-- people meet. DATING the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future. BIRTH CONTROL avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphram, using a condom, and dating repulsive men. EASY a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man. EYE CONTACT a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest. FRIEND a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing. INDIFFERENCE a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted to by the man as "playing hard to get." INTERESTING a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking. IRRITATING HABIT what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together. LAW OF RELATIVITY how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is. NYMPHOMANIAC a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does. SOBER a condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love Children's Ideas About Love: CONCERNING THE ORIGINS OF LOVE "Cupid kissed God and that got the ball rollin'." Julio, 9 "One of the Greek lady gods got a crush on one of the Greek man gods. He tried to hit her with lightning and thunderbolts, but he just couldn't get her away from him ... After a while, they became the first married gods." Robbie, 8 CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE "One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too." Andrew, 6 "No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell ... That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." Mae, 9 "I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." Manuel, 8 ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE "Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." John, 9 "If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." Glenn, 7 ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE "If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." Anita C., 8 "It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." Brian, 7 "Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." Christine, 9 REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE "Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too." Greg, 8 HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE? "Mooshy ... like puppy dogs ... except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much." Arnold, 10 "When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don't get up for at least an hour." Wendy, 8 "All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark." Sherm, 8 CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS "They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." Gavin, 8 "They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing." John, 9 CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on television." Jill, 6 "Love is foolish ... but I still might try it sometime." Floyd, 9 "Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place ... We were behind a tree." Carey, 7 "Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I've been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." Dave, 8 "I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." Regina, 10 THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD LOVER "Sensitivity don't hurt." Robbie, 8 "One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." Ava, 8 SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU "Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." Del, 6 "Shake your hips and hope for the best." Camille, 9 "Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs ... and don't worry if their parents are right there." Manuel, 8 "Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." Alonzo, 9 "One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." Bart, 9 ===================================================================== 11. NetNews The beta of version 2 of the popular Netscape Navigator WWW browser is now available for free evaluation on the Net. Enhancements include integrated email, multiple windows within a document, improved security for online financial transactions, and Sun's object-orientated language for live online applications. People who report bugs can win prizes. The size of the US internet is 5.8 million people, according to a survey done recently. The ratio of males to females is 67% : 33%. Mastercard, backed by Netscape and IBM, is challenging Visa, backed by MicroSoft, to own the standard for secure transactions on the InterNet.The world waits with bated breath for the latest version of VHS vs Betamax... Microsoft is to sell some software via the internet, via resellers. Programs available include Word, Excel, and Flight Simulator. Internet domain names are no longer free - they now cost US$50 a year. The move is to discourage people from grabbing names that they do not intend to use (names are allocated on a first-come-first-served basis). This did not stop Proctor & Gamble in the USA from registering over 90 names, including diarrhea.com, pimples.com, dandruff.com, underarm.com, beautiful.com, badbreath.com, and cavities.com. In the UK, British Telecom is to enter the internet market. Likewise in South Africa, so is Telkom... should be interesting... Oracle is releasing WebTV next year, which will 'video-enable' the internet. I have not tested any of these, there may be typos: http://www.sfgate.com/chronicle/index.shtml San Francisco Chron newspaper http://www.pathfinder.com/@@4RTV8eEIhQEAC49/fortune/TNX/1995/homelatest.html Fortune magazine. The @@ part looks odd.... http://www.macmedia To protest the French nuclear tests http://os2.iafrica.com/chariot Chariot Technologies (Gupta, Clarion) http://www.onwe.co.za/struik Struik Publishers http://tvguide.mck.co.za M-Net's TV guide http://os2.iafrica.com/cticket Computicket SA - book movies tickets http://www.isworld.org/isworld.html ISWorld Net home page http://www.gem.co.za/sacb SA Computer Buyer home page http://www.realaudio.com/ Real Audio home page http://www.stones.com/ Rolling Stones home page http://www.atlantic-records.com/Radio_Gotham/Default.htm Batman stuff http://www.nexus.org/Internet_Radio Nexus Internet Radio http://www.radiohk.com/radio/listeningbar More internet radio ftp://ftp.gem.co.za/pub/winsock/misc/raplay09.exe Radio pgm for above sites http://www.iuma.com Audio files http://www.africa.com SA tourism, amongst others http://www.entrepreneurs.net/hw-financial/research Financial research stuff http://www.uct.ac.za My alma mater, University of Cape Town http://www.vmg.co.uk/ Virgin Music http://www.pathfinder.com/ lots of magazines http://www.cnet.com/ news http://www.pitt.edu/~malotra/interest.html business research stuff http://www.wordsmith.org anagram server http://www.infobahn.com/pages/anagram.html anagram server http://count51.med.harvard.edu/aanlib/home.html Whole Brain Atlas http://www.demon.co.uk/xyz/Scallywag Scallywag satirical magazine http://www.intervid.co.uk/intervid/eye/gateway.html Private Eye magazine cobweb site: a dead WWW site. ===================================================================== 12. Recipes Not an original recipe, but an interesting soup: Cashew and Carrot Soup 55g cashew nut pieces 30g margarine 1 small onion, finely chopped 2 large carrots, finely chopped 55g wholemeal (whole wheat) flour 850ml vegetable stock 285ml milk seasoning to taste single cream, dairy or soya (optional) fresh parsley, to garnish 1. Use grinder to process cashew pieces until reduced to a powder. 2. Melt margarine, saute carrot and onion for a few minutes. Stir in flour, cook until lightly browned. Add ground cashew nuts, gradually add vegetable stock and milk, stirring, and season well. 3. Bring to the boil, then reduce heat and simmer for 15 minutes. Sever hot with swirl of cream for richer taste. Garnish with parsley. ===================================================================== 13. Things to Think About When last did you tell someone you care about, that you love them? How about now? ================================================================= Items in "How to play games", "Advertising / The Media", and "Things to think about" are original; and CopyLeft 1995 by Ian Douglas. Permission to reproduce is granted as long as source is credited. The rest is part original, part direct lift from various Net sources, and part paraphrased or directly lifted from various print media. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- iandoug@lia.co.za P.O. Box 484, Sanlamhof 7532, South Africa 36 : 1,73 : 58 : blue : dark brown iN*T*j PGP key available zasnlids@ibmmail.com Action occurs when desire overcomes fear.