F 13 **** Compiled, edited & written by Ian Douglas October 1995 edition iandoug@lia.co.za Introduction: Rob wants to know where the name "F13" came from... well, it is a sort of satirical poke at myself. There are 13 chapters in each article, there is no F13 key on the standard PC keyboard, F13 is sometimes used as an abbreviation for File 13, aka the trashcan, where we dump the garbage. Some people may think that what I write is garbage, I may disagree :-) F13 is now available as an InterNet mailing list. If you wish to receive it directly and regularly via the net, send a request to the address above. Last month's issue #1 produced some fan mail, which rather cheered me up... Thanks Anton and Andre. Date: Sat, 23 Sep 1995 17:14:46 +0200 From: Anton Carstens Subject: rf9509 Just downloaded the latest version of rf95 and through my wet screen i want to tell you how great it is my stomach hurts my eyes are watering more more more please great reading stuff anton ------------------------------------------------------------------------ From: Andre Swanepoel Date: Tue, 26 Sep 1995 11:04:00 +0200 'ello Ian, Thanks for a most amusing article in Robs List, F 13 is worth all the time and effort you obviously put into it. Cheerz, Andre ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Hopefully there are less typos this time than in the first issue. Left a bit out due to work pressures, was up in Joburg for 3 days. CONTENTS 1. Quotations 2. How To Play Games 3. Computer Security 4. Interesting Stuff 5. The Farsian Chronicles 6. Motivational / Inspirational 7. Science / Technology 8. Advertising 9. Health 10. Humour 11. NetNews 12. Recipes 13. Things to Think About =========================================================================== 1. Quotations "Let them hate so long as they fear." Lucius Accius "Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men." Lord Acton "Politics is the art of the impossible." Prince Bismarck "Every nation has the government that it deserves." Joseph de Maistre "A little rebellion now and then is a good thing." Thomas Jefferson "Every Communist must grasp the truth, 'Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun.'" Mao Tse-Tung "A week in politics is a long time." Harold Wilson "The best government is that which governs least." John O'Sullivan "What's in a name? A 35 percent markup." Vince Thurston "A statistician is one who collects data and draws confusions." Hyman Maxwell Berston "The thoughtless are rarely wordless." Howard W. Newton "I call him free who is led soley by reason." Spinoza "The mind can go either direction under stress - towards positive or towards negative: on or off. Think of it as a spectrum whose extremes are unconsciousness at the negative end and hyperconsciousness at the positive end. The way the mind will lean under stress is strongly influenced by training." Bene Gesserit axiom, Frank Herbert's "Dune" "Action occurs when desire overcomes fear." Ian Douglas "They say Love means never having to say you are sorry. That is not true. Love means knowing you are forgiven before you apologise, but still saying sorry because that is the right thing to do." Ian Douglas "The more rules and regulations, the more corruption." Ian Douglas "It is for the gods to judge what is blasphemy, not man." Ian Douglas (Ok, so I had a creative month) =========================================================================== 2. How To Play Games One of my readers at work complained that this series was going a little slowly, so I have decided to cover two rules a month instead of one. Rule No. 0 Learn the rules. No, I am not being trite. Every game has rules. Actually there are two kinds of rules: written rules and unwritten rules, and you need to know both. The difference between them varies according to the game. For example, in soccer, a written rule is that you are not allowed to handle the ball. An unwritten rule is that you have to be fit if you expect to last the 90 minutes. In Pacman, a written rule is that you will die if you bump into one of the ghosts when they are not blue. You can make them blue by eating a power pill. An unwritten rule is that you can group the ghosts very nicely by going backwards and forwards in the tunnels. In Space Invaders, a written rule is that the aliens march horizontally back and forth, descending a line at each reverse. An unwritten rule is that you must not miss when you shoot, since you have to wait for your bullet to disappear off the top before you can shoot again. The written rules in a game are generally more obvious. You need to learn all these rules, but more importantly, you need to discover and learn the UNWRITTEN rules. The unwritten rules are usually the key to mastering a particular game. At school, the written rules say you must do your homework. The unwritten rules say that if you want a nice testimonial at the end of matric, you need to get involved in sports and other school cultural activities. At work, the written rules say you must start at 8am and finish at 5pm (or whatever). The unwritten rules say that you have to understand the office politics (however silly and confusing it may be) if you hope to get ahead. In love, the written rules say a guy should pay when you go out on a date. The unwritten rules (and there are zillions) say that you must not make it obvious that you are interested (for reasons I fail to understand). The people who get most frustrated with a particular game are those who have failed to discover and understand the unwritten rules (like me and the game of love). Believe me, the unwritten rules ARE there, and you will never get anywhere until you master them. Rule No. 1 Watch the game. Sounds so simple, doesn't it? But there is good reason why it is rule #1 - it is the rule most often broken, resulting in most lives lost. "Watch" does not mean merely 'watch', but CONCENTRATE on what you are doing. Your complete attention must be focused exclusively on your current game. So what if the girl of your dreams walks past in the shortest almost-a-mini that you have ever seen? Its irrelevant to the game you are playing, ignore it and watch the game. So what if you have a geography test tomorrow, don't ponder your ignorance of the subject while playing. If the test is that important, stop the game and go and study. If not, forget the test, watch the game. The rule comes up in a different form in sports, where it is usually expressed as 'watch the ball.' Same rule, different field. How about work? Work is not the place to do crosswords, or private jobs. Concentrate on your job. In a delicate negotiation? Ignore all else, concentrate on what you are doing. Forget your pending divorce, it has nothing to do with reaching an agreement with your opponent. Having a disagreement with a loved one? Focus on the current issue, don't drag in unrelated issues, old wounds, the Joneses. =========================================================================== 3. Computer Security Heard Ian Melamed in two interviews on SAfm. In one, he was asked what is RAM, to which he gave a long and impressive reply. However, I, who have a B.Sc in Computer Science, am a computer professional, and know perfectly well what RAM is, could not understand what he said. I'm not sure WHAT he described, but it certainly wasn't RAM. I feel sorry for anyone else who was hoping to learn something. The interviewer pretended as if he had understood. In the second interview, he was talking about computer viruses. As they say, a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. According to him, a virus consists of two parts: a replicating part (true), and a trojan part (false). A trojan is an entirely seperate animal to a virus. Viruses by definition replicate, trojans do not. A virus MAY contain a malicious damage routine, usually called the 'bomb', 'damage routine', 'payload', etc. A trojan is a program that does (or pretends to do) something useful, but ALSO does something nasty, like deleting the Windoze directory (ok, maybe that is not so nasty), or formatting the C: drive, etc. Patricia Hoffman's VSUM test, 31 July 1995. Note that there are well over 6000 viruses now. ÉÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ» º Total Viruses: 3,051 File Viruses: 2,955 Boot Viruses: 96 º ÌÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍËÍÍÍÍÍÍËÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍËÍÍÍÍ͹ º VSUM Certified º 1st º - Viruses Detected - º Tot º º Product Name & Version º Cert º Total ³ Boot ³ File º % º ÌÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÎÍÍÍÍÍÍÎÍÍÍÍÍÍÍØÍÍÍÍÍÍØÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÎÍÍÍÍ͹ º DOS Based Scanning Products: º º ³ ³ º º º ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ º º ³ ³ º º º Frisk Software's F-Prot 2.18a º X507 º 2,982 ³ 95 ³ 2,887 º 97.7º º Dr. Solomon's AVTK 7.13 º X507 º 2,940 ³ 94 ³ 2,846 º 96.4º º IBM Anti-Virus/DOS 2.10 º X503 º 2,879 ³ 96 ³ 2,783 º 94.4º º McAfee Assoc ViruScan 2.24 º X507 º 2,952 ³ 96 ³ 2,856 º 96.8º º Microsoft AV DOS 6.22 9505 updº X505 º 1,701 ³ 74 ³ 1,627 º 55.8º º Norton Anti-Virus 3.07 º X507 º 2,866 ³ 91 ³ 2,775 º 93.9º º Sophos' Sweep 2.75 º X507 º 2,949 ³ 93 ³ 2,856 º 96.7º ÈÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÊÍÍÍÍÍÍÊÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÏÍÍÍÍÍÍÏÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÊÍÍÍÍͼ Following on from last month's report of the Microsoft Prank virus: Microsoft admitted that it will work with all four versions of MS Word. This makes it the first 'cross-platform' virus... The virus was found in various countries around the world. The guys from Gas Software reminded me that a few months ago I was involved in a heavy debate on the InterNet with a chap in the USA, about the impossibility of infecting data files. This Prank virus infects data files. However, one point that I made in the debate is that it was only possible to infect a data file if the program reading the data was expecting to find instructions there, and not just passive data like plain text. The program would also have to be able to execute this 'data'. The Prank virus is a macro, i.e. it is a sort of program that gets executed by the MS Word program. As such, it is not strictly 'data'. Computer scientists maintain that computer viruses are host-specific, just like biological virus. A virus that infects dogs may not be able to infect people. In general, a virus that infects IBM PC's can not infect an Apple Mac. This is because the operating systems are incompatible, i.e. the 'hosts' are incompatible. However, in the case of macros for word processing programs, spreadsheets, etc, the 'environment' or 'host' is no longer the operating system, but rather, the word processing program ITSELF. If the word processing programs on different operating systems can share data files and macros, then they can also share macro viruses. While the Prank virus is not malicious, other macro viruses may be. A fix for Prank is available from Microsoft (also on their web site), and F-Prot 2.19 can handle the virus. =========================================================================== 4. Interesting Stuff Nearly half the pregnancies in England and Wales involve unmarried mothers. Of the 828 000 pregnancies in 1992, 364 000 were out of wedlock. There was a report in the press that condoms are pretty useless for preventing AIDS. Condoms are designed to be a barrier for sperm. However, latex rubber, like all materials, has zillions of tiny holes in it. These holes are too small for sperm, water, etc, to get through. However, the HI virus is 400 times smaller than a sperm cell, and has no problem going through these little holes. So the condom might as well not even be there... Members of the USA legislature have begun proceedings to have English declared the only official language of the USA. This will require everyone going back to school, since the Americans speak American, not English. Projections indicate that in the next 50 years, there will be more Spanish speaking Americans than American speaking Americans. Sign in a shop window: "Ons druk naams trokies." Apparently 5% of married couples in Britain no longer make love. About 15% of couples cannot conceive normally, lack of sex being one of the reasons why. Some people have given it up because they did not find it enjoyable. They resort to laboratory techniques when they want to have a baby. Which means we need an appropriate joke... The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the Government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant in the first five years of her marriage may request the services of a "Proxy Father" - a government employee who attempts to solve the woman's problem by getting her pregnant. The Joneses, a young married couple, have no children and the government man is due to arrive. Mr. Jones, on leaving, says, "I'm off, the government man should be here soon." Instead, a door to door salesman comes to the Joneses', trying to sell baby pictures. The conversation went as follows... Mrs. Jones: Good Morning Salesman: Good morning, you don't know me but I've come to -- Mrs. Jones: Oh, you don't have to explain. My husband told me you were coming. Salesman: Oh?-- Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies, especially twins. Mrs. Jones: My husband didn't tell me about that, but come on in. Salesman: Then your husband probably told you that-- Mrs. Jones: Oh yes, we both agree this is the best thing to do. Salesman: Well, in that case, perhaps we should get right on with it. Mrs. Jones: (Blushing) Well, just where do we start? Salesman: Just leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple in bed. Sometimes the living room floor works well. Mrs. Jones: Bathtub--living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for Harry and me. Salesman: Well, lady, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try six or seven times, one of 'em is bound to be a honey. Mrs. Jones: Well, have you had much success at this? Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and showing baby pictures) Just look at these babies. They're all jobs I've handled in the past. This one took four hours. Mrs. Jones: Yes, that is a lovely child. Salesman: But if you want to hear about a really tough assignment, look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London. Mrs. Jones: Oh, my God!! Salesman: And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. The turned out exceptionally well, when you consider that their mother was hard to work with. Mrs. Jones: Oh, was she? Salesman: Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked under such difficult conditions. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look. Mrs. Jones: Four and five deep? Salesman: Yes, and for more than three hours, too. But I finally got a couple of buddies to keep them back. I could`ve shot again before dark, but by then the squirrels were beginning to nibble on my equipment and I had to give up. Mrs. Jones: You mean they actually chewed your, ah, equipment...? Salesman: Yes, but it's all in a days work. I consider my work a pleasure. Mrs. Jones: I just can't believe it. Salesman: Well, Madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work. Mrs. Jones: Your tripod????? Salesman: Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too heavy for me to hold in my hand while I'm trying to use it. - Mrs. Jones?--- Mrs. Jones?--- Oh my goodness, she's fainted! Some quotes from DP leader Tony Leon: "The ANC's parliamentary record suggests it stands for Absent, Negligent and Chaotic." "Leaving the future to the ANC and the NP is like putting King Herod in charge of a creche." about the DP's opponents: "If they stop telling lies about us, we'll stop telling the truth about them." From Pik Botha: "About a third of our people are still dependent on fuelwood and dung for their energy. They consume 12 million tons of trees annually." In Britain, the National Trust has banned windsurfers from Wastwater in the Lake District, a fine inland windsurfing site, because their bright sails and wetsuits ruin the view. The French and Yank scientists have now conclusively proved that Napolean was poisoned to death with arsenic. Prime suspect is the Count of Montholon, at the instigation of his wife, who had become Napolean's mistress and was expecting his child. British scientists have now concluded that since a womb is not necessary for a baby to develop (several people alive today developed elsewhere in their mother's body than her womb), it is entirely feasible for a man to become pregnant by artificial insemination. He will however need female hormone injections, which will cause him to develop breasts. A Russian, Ilshat Kuzikov, invited two men to supper. He killed them, cooked them, and served them with onions...He insists that human liver is very tasty. He has a history of mental illness. It is book sale time here in Cape Town.. I scored some major bargains, to wit: 16 books worth over R1800, for R47. All new. New hardcover edition of Tom Peter's Liberation Management for R30. Female members of Germany's Social Democratic Party want a new law that will force men to help with the housework. =========================================================================== 5. The Farsian Chronicles [For those of you who have not heard of Farsia yet, it is an imaginary country on an imaginary planet somewhere in the solar system, and inhabited by various animals. Any similarity to any real persons or situations is a figment of your imagination. It is called Farsia because the going-on there are a farce.] Some of the Ants got very upset that some Jackdaws were educating the little Ants. The upset Ants maintained that the Jackdaws were taking work away from underqualified Ant teachers. However the little Ants were more than happy to have Jackdaws as teachers. There are no known cases of Jackdaws eating Ants. The Minister for Mental Improvement has decided that parents who are successful are to be punished. They are to be fined if they want to send their children to a State school. This is presumably to discourage people from becoming financially successful. The fines thus collected will be used to subsidise the education of children whose parents were clever enough not to become financially successful. The People's Representatives decided that the generals who run StrongArm, Farsia's weapon's manufacturer and purchaser, may no longer buy and sell weapons inter-galactically. The People's Representatives vehemently denied that the reason for this decision was that THEY themselves wanted the bribes and kickbacks common in the arms trade, and saw no reason why the generals should continue to receive them. The Lioness went off to the land of the Rice Mice to attend a major Pan-Galactic Conference. True to form, she donned her clown suit and did her famous clown routines, to an astounded international audience. She also discovered (the hard way) that the Rice Mice are pretty punctual, and have little patience for people who operate on Farsian Time. In spite of the size differences, the Rice Mice were not at all intimidated by a lion-sized tantrum. The Minister for Getting Around announced that in future all the main roads in Farsia will operate on the Toll Road system. However, pregnant women, pregnant men, and children under 6 will be allowed to travel free. The People's Representatives denied that Farsia had become a Banana Republic just because the People's Representatives bent a few parliamentary rules. They maintained that there were much better reasons why we had become a Banana Republic. The world's greatest con artist paid a brief visit to Farsia, and insisted on being served food by topless maidens. =========================================================================== 6. Motivational / Inspirational Make it up ========== Life is too short for grievances For quarrels and for tears What's the use of wasting Precious days and precious tears. If there's something to forgive Forgive without delay Maybe you, too, were part to blame, So make it up today. Be generous - forget the past And take the broader view Cast away all the bitterness and Let the sunshine through. If it's within your power A broken heart to mend, Remember - Love is all that Really matters - in the end. Anon. =========================================================================== 7. Science / Technology Win95 was outlawed in India because the time zone map showed the Kashmir border with Pakistan in a way that the Indian government disapproved of. Seems that Microsoft Word does not qualify for the Win95 sticker.. too many undocumented calls, interface standard violations etc... Intel is sending 1000 P6 processors to 1000 maths professors, for testing. They want to avoid the humiliation that arose when bugs were found in their Pentium processor. Apparently US computer users think that computer response times of less than 6 seconds is ok, anything else is slower. Geez, we freak at work if the reponse time goes over 3 seconds. Apparently they say that 5 seconds is an 'almost instant' response... IBM is to bundle Lotus Smartsuite software on CD-ROM with some products. I expects something similar to happen when the OS/2 Warp upgrade ships shortly.. (with Win95-OS2) Japan's NEC is to double the output of advanced memory chips next year. They are also investing US$m170 in US computer maker Packard Bell. Microsoft intends shipping a version of Windows 95 for the MacIntosh. This will kill any development of Mac-specific software. Why bother when the Win95 version will work? If you want to see the Win95 credits, here is how: Right-click on the desktop. Select New Folder. Name the folder: and now, the moment you've all been waiting for Right-click the folder and rename it; we proudly present for your viewing pleasure Right-click the folder and rename it; The Microsoft Windows 95 Product Team! Open the folder. Since Cray is no longer able to make supercomputers, Intel has grabbed some government money (US$m45) to build the world's fastest computer. =========================================================================== 8. Advertising / The Media Heard on SAfm: "In the rural areas there is a serious lack of disorganisation.." "Only one person stands to benefit from the deal: the consumer." A student leader demanded "empowerment of electricity in the hostels." Some new words heard on SAfm Probable meaning dozyier dossier courier Korea non-fact known fact sicklical cyclical shocks sharks pro-duck product error era safegad safeguard gurrenti guarantee our DP R.D.P. huttin bos Hartenbos Nice ad for the Financial Mail, taking a poke at government: "Everything you wanted to know about inherited economic problems, but couldn't get a quorum together to ask." The Vodacom ad is now talking about ki-lom-etres. This is a 'disputed' pronunciation, the correct pronunciation is kilo-metres, according to the Concise Oxford Dictionary. After all, no one talks about ki-log-rams. Wonder how Castrol feels about Sun City hijacking their TV ad stars and 'catch phrase' "Ja, boet..". The ad itself is a visually brilliant tour de force. "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" has a classic melody line which will ensure its popularity for generations - a true evergreen. Did you know that it is based on a traditional African melody, and was a world-wide hit for a South African artiste back in the '50s? Two one-liners heard in movies shown on TV: "Jewish women don't believe in sex after marriage." "Its odd, but French people often DO talk with a French accent." Reader's Digest has a new TV ad, which I is think is a disgusting piece of work. I don't know WHO they think their target market is - who is going to be attracted by willful, totally unnecessary destruction of useful products? (The Maalox ad is almost as bad.) I have been the victim of some Reader's Digest mail shots. They send you this picture of a car, with three scratch-and-win type squares. You have to scratch off the silver ink, and, if one of the revealed numbers matches the car's number plate, you COULD win it. Amazing. So I scratch off the middle one, and a miracle happens - the numbers match!!!! Amazing! Incredible! I am so lucky!!!!. Once they sent me a cheap plastic silver 'lucky horseshoe' to scratch off some ink with. They also sent these little stickers that I had to stick onto certain little squares. Please people.. I have a university education, I have worked on programs controlling the flow of millions of Rands... why insult me by expecting me to play silly games with kindergarten toys? Is that where you think of your customers come from? I see the Bleach Wars have taken over where the Soap Powders left off. Now we have decide which is the safest bleach - the one that claims to be the safest, or the one that says no other bleach is safer.. :-) In a surprise move, CNA announced that it would be imposing censorship on the 'adult' magazines that it sells. In a very badly typeset press ad, they announced that these magazines will no longer be displayed near the tills, or in windows. All such magazines must come in a sealed wrapper, with no nudity visible. Basically they are outlawing magazines mixing sex with violence. I assume kiddie porn and beastiality will also be banned. Trends overseas indicate a rapid degeneration to ever-kinkier photos in an effort to win market share in an overtraded market. This comes hard on the heels of crashing local sales of soft-porn mags, with some publishers having to halve their press runs. Scope announced that they will no longer compete in the bottom end of the girlie mag market, and will reposition themselves as an upmarket Gent's mag. Scope has a history of being a market innovator. While we are on the subject of models, I think the new Miss SA is really amazing, incredible, (etc etc) and would not mind getting to know her... :-)) Just spent 3 days in Gauteng without even seeing her once.. :-( Did however meet a young lady from Singapore who was rather friendly... BP's TV ads bother me - especially now that they guarantee that their petrol will not damage your fuel system. Does that mean that their previous petrol DID? Or that petrol sold by their competitors will? I mean, surely people take it for granted that petrol will not damage their cars? It is almost like a restaurant advertisng 'edible food'..... Another thing about BP's petrol ad with the car engines hopping out from under the bonnet and zooming off to a BP petrol station: Seems like all the engines go to the same petrol station. Must be the only one in Gauteng.... "There is no comparing the brutality and cynicism of today's pop culture with that of 40 years ago; from High Noon to RoboCop is a long descent." Charles Krauthammer, US columnist A jockey fell off his horse and was taken to hospital; a newspaper reported that he was "in a stable condition." The horse died on the track. Two classified ads: "Computer with medical software and WordPerfect, headlights, esophagoscope, sinus surgery instruments, stainless steel canisters, mirror warmer, facial nerve stimulator, sterilizer ... never opened, for sale." "I fix computers and laser printers on sight. Fast, low rates." Disney is picking up some flack from the right wing nuts in the USA. They allege that a scene in The Lion King has the word SEX written in a cloud formation; that in Alladin a voice says "Good teenagers take off your clothes," and that the minister in the final wedding scene of The Little Mermaid is clearly sexually aroused. The editors and writers of Stellenbosch University Matie magazine are in hot water. Some articles they published incurred the ire of the university administration. One article reviewed a 'missionary week' organised by the local student Christian community, and included this one-liner: "Join the church, go to foreign countries, meet interesting people and kill their culture." In contrast to the University admin, some Christians sent messages of support... =========================================================================== 9. Health Summer is coming.. and people head for ice cream. Read the labels carefully, and watch out for these ingredients sometimes used: Ethyl Acetate gives a pineapple flavour. It also cleans leather and textiles. Its vapors are poisonous and have been known to cause chronic liver, heart and lung damage. Diethylen glucol, an emulsifier, is also used in anti-freeze and paint remover. Amyl acetate gives a banana flavour and is also a paint solvent. Butyraldehyde gives a nut flavour, and is also used in rubber cement. Benzyl acetate gives a strawberry flavour, and is also a nitrate solvent. This article appeared in the Rhodes Rag Mag back in 1988. MEDICAL REPORT : Carrot Shocker ------------------------------- CARROTS will kill you! Every carrot you eat brings you closer to death. Although leading horticulturalists have long known that Daucus carota is a delicious vegetable, the thinking person has failed to grasp the significance of the phrase "sure it helps your night vision, but what does it do to your liver!" Communism! ---------- Carrots are associated with all the major diseases of the body. Eating them breeds wars and communism. They can be related to most airline tragedies. Auto accidents are caused by carrots. There exists a positive relationship between crime waves and consumption of the vegetable. For example : * Nearly all sick people have eaten carrots. The effects are obviously cummulative. * 99.9 percent of all people who die of cancer have eaten carrots. * 99.9 percent of all American soldiers have eaten carrots. * 96.7 percent of all Red sympathisers have eaten carrots * 99.7 percent of all people involves in air- and auto-accidents ate carrots within 60 days preceeding the accident. * 93.1 percent of juvenile delinquents come from homes where carrots are served frequently. Wrinkled Skin ------------- Evidence points to the long-term effects of carrots. Of all people born in 1887 who later dieted on carrots, there has been a 100 percent mortaility. All carrot eaters born between the years 1897 and 1917 have wrinkled skin, have lost most of their teeth, have brittle bones and failing eyesight - if the ills of eating carrots have not already caused their deaths! Even more convincing is the report of a noted team of medical experts. Rats forcefed with 5kg of carrots per day for 30 days developed bulging abdomens and their appetites for wholesome foods was destroyed. The only way to avoid the deletrious effects of carrot eating is to change eating habits. Eat orchid petal soup. Practically no-one had any problems from eating orchid petal soup. =========================================================================== 10. Humour ======== Sybrand, Sybrand, Sybrand... When will you realize that the way to a woman's heart is not private investigations? She wants to be charmed, not stalked... Try sending her flowers. Like this : . . ... :``..': : ````.' :''::' ..:.. : .'' : ``. `: .' : : : : : : : : : : : : : : : :..''''``::. : ...:..' .'' .' .' .::::' :..'''``::::::: ' `:::: `::. `:: :::. ..:```.:'`. ::'`. ..' `:.: :: .: .:``::: .: ..'' ::: : .'' :: : :: :: :: Since the matric and varsity exams start soon, I thought we should have some exam humour... Qualifying Examination Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions. Time Limit - 4 hours. Begin immediately. 1. History Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious, and philo- sophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific. 2. Medicine You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes. 3. Public Speaking 2,500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek. 4. Biology Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis. 5. Music Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat. 6. Psychology Based on your degree of knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodi- sias, Rameses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi. Support your evaluations with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate. 7. Sociology Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory. 8. Management Science Define Management. Define Science. How do they relate? Why? Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial decisions. Assuming an 1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate your algorithm; design the commun- ications interface and all necessary control programs. 9. Engineering The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruc- tion manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel is appropraite. Be prepared to justify your decision. 10. Economics Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criti- cize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question. 11. Political Science There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any. 12. Epistemology Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position. 13. Physics Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science. 14. Modern Physics: Disprove Einstein's Theory of Relativity. Construct an experiment to prove your position. 15. Philosophy Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its signi- ficance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought. 16. Foreign Affairs: It has recently been suggested (especially after Black Monday) that only a foreign war can restore America's lost national con- sensus. Propose the ideal opponent(s) for the US in such a war, and how the conflict might be engineered so that US would seem not to be the ag- ressor in the situation. Discuss the pros and cons. 17. Art: Explain Mona Lisa's smile. 18. Juris Prudence: In Part 2 of Shakespeare's "Henry VI", Jack Cade, the leader of the populist revolt, proposes that the first order of business following a successful coup d'e'tat could be to "kill all the lawyers". In light of the present populist mood in the United States, assess the utility and any potential impact of such a policy today. 19. Religion: Assuming the Judeo-Christian moral structure, take the stand for Adam and Eve, and the eating of the forbidden fruit. Explain your position fully to a Chassidic Rabbi, and answer his arguments. An Angl- ican bishop will moderate this debate. 20. General Knowledge Describe in detail. Be objective and specific. Extra Credit Define the Universe; give three examples. ------ An economics professor at school had a strict policy that the hourly examinations were to be completed at the bell and anyone who kept writing on their exam after the bell would take a zero on the exam. Well, one guy kept writing on his exam for a while after the bell and then confidently strode up to turn it in. The professor looked at him and said, "Don't bother to hand that paper in... you get a zero for continuing after the bell." The guy looked at him and said, "Professor, do you know who I am!!" The professor replied, "No, and I don't care if your dad is president of the United States...you get a zero on this exam" The guy, with a enraged look on his face, shouted, "You mean you have no idea who I am???" The professor responded, "No, I've no idea who you think you are." With that, the guy said "Good!", plunged his exam into the middle of the stack of other students exams, and did a hasty retreat from the examination room! For all you that are preparing to apply for another school next year, here is something which we use here in Minnesota. U of M ENTRANCE EXAM- FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION Time Limit: 3 WKS 1. What language is spoken in France? 2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau. 3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY 4. What religion is the Pope? (a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic (check only one) 5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters? 6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5? 7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately) 8. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners 9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton 10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five. 11. Where does rain come from? (a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky 12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (a) yes (b) no 13. What are coat hangers used for? 14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country? 15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS. 16. Where is the basement in a three story building located? 17. Which part of America produces the most oranges? (a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Wisconsin 18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have? 19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for? 20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)? (a) B.C. (b) A.D. (c) still waiting *You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify Medical Terminology (For whatever group you wish, Poles, Newfies, Poms etc.) Artety - The study of fine paintings Barium - What to do when C.P.R. fails Caesarian Section- A district in Rome Colic - A sheep dog Coma - A punctuation mark Congenital- Friendly Dilate - To live long Fester - Quicker G.I. series- Sports games between teams of soldiers Grippe - A suitcase Hangnail- A coat hook Medical Staff- A doctor's cane Minor operation- Coal digging Morbid - A higher offer Nitrate - Lower than the day rate Node - Was aware of Organic - Musical Out-patient- A person who has fainted Postoperative- A letter carrier Protein - In favor of young people Secretion- Hiding anything Serology- The study of English knighthood Tablet - A small table Tumour - An extra pair Urine - Opposite of you're out Varicose veins- Veins that are very near each other -- Factitious Quiz 1. How many birthdays does the average man have? 2. Why can't a man living in Cape Town, be buried north of the Orange River? 3. If you had only one match and entered a room where there was a lamp, an oil heater, and some firewood, which would you light first? 4. Some months have thirty days, some have thirty-one days. How many months have twenty-eight days? 5. If the doctor gave you three pills and told you to take one every half hour, how long would they last? 6. A man builds a house with four sides to it - a rectangular structure. Each side has a southern exposure. A big bear comes wondering by. What colour is the bear? 7. How far can a dog run into the woods? 8. A farmer had seventeen sheep. All but nine died. How many did he have left? 9. Devide 30 by 1/2. Add 10. What is the answer? 10. Two men playing checkers. They play five games and each man wins the same number of games. How do you figure that out? 11. Take two apples from three apples and what do you have? 12. The archaeologist who said he found a gold coin marked 45 BC was either lying or kidding. Why? 13. How many animals of each species did Moses take aboard the ark with him? 14. A woman gives a beggar fifty cents. The woman is the beggar's sister, but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come? 15. Is it legal in Botswana for a man to marry his widow's sister? Answers: 1. One 2. You can't bury a living man 3.. Match 4. Twelve 5. One hour 6. White 7. Halfway 8. Nine 9. Seventy 10. One draw 11. Two 12. They didn't know when BC ended and AC started in 45 BC 13. It wasn't Moses, it was Noah 14. The beggar is the woman's sister. 15. For a man to have a widow, he must be dead. I don't think this originates with him, but a psychology professor of mine used to say something like the following in the neuropsychology section of his intro course: The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3. feeding; and 4. mating. =========================================================================== 11. NetNews Still looking for interesting WWW sites to include here... The number of WWW sites has hit 100 000, and is expected to reach 500 000 by the end of the year. http://www.ibm.com/Internet IBM's internet products whoops!.. no time - more next month.. =========================================================================== 12. Recipes Ian's Famous-and-as-yet-unnamed Salad Original version: serves one to two. Colourful, quick, and healthy. one each of banana, corgette (baby marrow), carrot. Approximately equal size. salt / garlic salt to taste mint basil allspice (pimento) 1 tbls mayonaise; or lemon juice & apple cide vinegar & lemon pepper Trim and clean vegetables. Peel the banana :-) Slice into 'coins', and place in salad bowl. Add the rest of the ingredients and mix thoroughly (I usually use a bowl with a lid, and shake vigourously.) Voila!. Serve with a starch based meal, eg pasta, baked potato, rice dishes, etc. Will keep a day or two in the refridgerator (banana tends to brown). Variations: add 3 small sliced button mushrooms, or one shredded cabbage leaf, or two shredded trimmed spinach leaves. =========================================================================== 13. Things to Think About "As you read this, somewhere in the world, a girl is being raped. Spare a moment for her torture." Ian Douglas The SA Police say that there are 80 rapes a day reported. Woman's organisations say that only 1 in 10 rapes is reported. That gives us 800 rapes a day in SA. That is more than 1 every 30 seconds..... Do our courts and jails have the facilities to handle 800 rape cases a day? No. ===========================================================================