F 13 **** Compiled, edited & written by Ian Douglas September 1995 edition iandoug@lia.co.za CONTENTS ~~~~~~~~ 1. Quotations 2. How To Play Games 3. Computer Security 4. Interesting Stuff 5. The Farsian Chronicles 6. Motivational / Inspirational 7. Science / Technology 8. Advertising / The Media 9. Health 10. Humour 11. NetNews 12. Recipes 13. Things to Think About =========================================================================== 1. Quotations "Africans either had to accept inferiority or fight against it by violence. We chose the latter." Nelson Mandela [Guess he never heard of the Ghandi approach..] "I would take food from South Africa, but not shoes." Julius Nyerere "Sanctions, I sometimes think, may prove the salvation of this country. Nothing but hard times can rid this nation of its distinguishing characteristic, which is sloth." Ken Owen, 1988 "If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing but illegal purposes." J. Edgar Hoover "Agreement is brought about by changing people's minds - other people's." S. I. Hayakawa "There's no such thing as a free lunch." Milton Friedman "Violence is the last resort of the incompetent." Salvor Hardin "Many people would rather die than think; in fact, most do." Bertrand Russell "Fear is the mind killer." Bene Gesserit litany, in Frank Herbert's "Dune" "So you think that money is the root of all evil?" said Francisco d'Anconia. "Have you ever asked what is the root of money? Money is a tool of exchange, which can't exist unless there are goods produced and men able to produce them. Money is the material shape of the principle that men who wish to deal with one another must deal by trade and give value for value. Money is not the tool of the moochers, who claim your product by tears, or of the looters, who take it from you by force. Money is made possible only by men who produce. Is this what you consider evil?" from Ayn Rand's "Atlas Shrugged" =========================================================================== 2. How To Play Games Introduction and Overiding Philosophy This is a series based on my experiences in a previous life when I worked with arcade video games, and spent a lot of time playing and studying games. In this process I developed some 'rules' about how to play games well. The interesting thing is that these same rules also work in other areas of life... Overiding Philosophy: Every situation in life is a game. That is not to say that we can treat situations lightly. Some are deadly serious, like car hijacks. But if we look at the situation as a game, and realise that there are rules that govern how the situation will turn out, then we are better equipped to do well. Some examples: any situation at school / college / varsity / work. domestic problems with spouse / lover / child sports games (traditional and electronic / computer) politics war Exactly how the rules apply to these sort of situations will become clearer as we deal with the rules in future issues. In the mean time, try changing your viewpoint / paradigm to view what happens to you as moves in a game. For one thing, it will help you keep your sanity :-) Never forget: IT'S ONLY A GAME !!! =========================================================================== 3. Computer Security Japan's NEC warns that counterfeit memory modules with their NEC logo are on sale in the USA and Taiwan. Apparently the modules are made with defective chips stolen from other manufacturers. Microsoft claims that as many as 50 000 illegal copies of Windows 95 are circulating in Belgium and The Netherlands. A new brand of thief is operating in England... they break into buildings (eg banks, computer companies), and steal the RAM chips out of the PCs. In similar vein, thieves stole over R1M worth of Intel processors and RAM chips from ICL SA Personal Systems Divison on the Midrand.. Novell has launched a campaign against priacy because about 70% of the NetWare in use in SA at present is pirated... Damage to telephone lines caused by people tapping into the lines in Beijing, China, has reached over R1M in seven months. In the Mooi River Area, a giant sugarcane rat chewed through Telkom's fibre optic cable between Gauteng and Natal, cutting the link. The alternative microwave link became overloaded. The rat was found and shot by firng squad. Last year Telkom lost R4,2M worth of copper cable due to theft. A hacker, believed to be a matric pupil from the Free State (which sounds a lot like my old friend ZorPh1x) has been breaking into various internet sites around SA. He has not caused any deliberate damage yet, but just pokes around. Guess he got some tips from the underground in the States. Intel's widely used Triton chip set does not support memory parity checking. RAM chips with parity checking will work with the chipset, but no parity checking will take place. So users who buy the parity memory, are in fact wasting money. Intel plans to add support in the Triton II series. Kevin Mitnick, the 'hacker king', received 8 months jail on one of the 23 charges he faced. The others are still pending. Symantec announced Norton Antivirus for WIndows 95.. South Africa is the 5th worst hit country for computer crime in the world. Expect to have virus reports, tests etc next month. Oliver Steudler reports an interesting new replicating creature: a macro for Word for Windows, which infects the document files that you create. A client has 2000 machines infected with it. We are not sure if it is a virus or worm yet. Apparently it can also infect Word document files on the MacIntosh. If true, that makes it the first cross-platform 'virus'. Apparently the macro features in Word give you access to operating system features like deleting files, formatting disks, etc. [I don't have Word so I can't check.] The 'virus' is being spread by people sending infected documents as attachments to e-mail messages. When you load a document infected with it, it is able to infect other non-infected documents. How to check if you have it: under Tools: Macros, see what is listed. If there are two strange macros starting with 'aa' listed, you are likely infected. Sorry, no fix available yet... Latest version of McAfee is apparently v2.25, incl a Win95 version. Hope to have news from Mitch Dove next month. =========================================================================== 4. Interesting Stuff Some Americanisms.... Operating in a target rich area: USA troops are outnumbered Suffered an uncontained blade liberation: Helicoptor rotor blade fell off Negative patient care outcome: The patient died Non-viable condition: Dead. Old Name New Name PWV Gauteng Durban Hangten Cape Town Mounteng OFS Noteng (because of the empty vlaktes) IBM's Argentine unit is under investigation for "irregular" payments connected with a US$M250 contract to modernise computer systems at a bank. Apparently IBM paid US$M14 to a shell company, which in turn paid nearly US$M6 to phantom firms. IBM is investigating, as is the Argentinian judiciary. Microsoft is spending US$1 000 000 000 on its world wide advertising campaign for Windows 95. Other sources put the figure at US$200 000 000. Percentage of Canadians who approve of the Information Superhighway: 62,7 Percentage of Canadians who know what Information Superhighway is: 54,4 Using a third brake light on vehicles has decreased rear-end collisions by 53%. Average repair costs on these vehicles are 39% less than normal. Leonard Adelman (the 'A' in the RSA security algorithm) has demonstrated a biocomputer using strands of DNA. Using strands of DNA in a test tube, he solved in a week a problem that takes conventional computers years to solve. [Note from Ian: Not sure I buy this. Adleman once published a 'junk' paper to prove that people will believe anything if it comes from someone sufficiently famous.] IBM's new CMOS S/390 mainframes are a miracle of power saving. They are producing 2 a hour (compared to weeks for a normal mainframe). It uses 97% less energy. A stove uses 10 times as much electricity, an iron twice as much. This may not impress you unless you had seen the previous generation, which used so much power that they had to be water cooled... The emergency power generator could power Kimberley... The Yanks have now introduced a dry, cheese-flavoured pasta dog food. They also have a car safety belt for your dog.... The majority of middle class South Africans believe that computers are the key to achieving personal and business success. Up to 25% of them own a PC. =========================================================================== 5. The Farsian Chronicles [For those of you who have not heard of Farsia yet, it is an imaginary country on an imaginary planet somewhere in the solar system, and inhabited by various animals. Any similarity to any real persons or situations is a figment of your imagination. It is called Farsia because the going-on there are a farce.] It has been an interesting month in Farsia. The country celebrated its first no-male day. As this was a Special Occasion, the boss of parliament, the Pea Hen, decided to have a 1 hour debate in parliament to celebrate the occasion. No matter that most of the Animal's Representatives were nowhere near parliament. They were summoned back for this one hour debate, at enormous cost to all the other animals. This is the first known case of a Pea Hen being pig headed. On the sports side, there was financial trickery with Farsia's Ruffy players. Ruffy is the national sport of Farsia. The Elite Ruffy players, who had recently won the Pan-Galactic Ruffy Championships, were offered huge amounts of money to join the circus. Some of them joined, until The Dictator got upset and offered them even MORE money to come back. So they changed their minds and ran away from the circus. This whole incident rather upset all the other Ruffians, who felt left out, so THEY ran away to join the circus. The Ruffy Bosses, including the Dictator, threw up their hands in horror and immediately offered these Ruffians a Great Deal. So these Ruffians ALSO left the circus. The Ring Master suddenly decided that running a circus was a silly idea, and he closed up shop. Slowly it began to dawn on the Dictator and the other Ruffy Bosses that they had been beautifully HUSSLED by the Ruffians and the Ringmaster. The Ruffians got oodles of lolly. No one knows what the Ringmaster got out of it, except perhaps some fun.... The Farsian government made a logical breakthrough and decided to allow absorbtion on request. The Nagging Party, who somehow manage to be both government AND opposition, immediately threw up its arms in horror. No Way, they shrieked - the right to wife is enshrined in the Farsian constitution. Odd how they overlooked this fact a few months ago when clamouring for the death penalty to be retained... What many Farsians apparently seem to misunderstand is that absorbtion on demand is not exactly Enforced Absorbtion. If absorbtion is against your ethics, you are not forced to undergo it. However if you already have six Farsiantjies and really can't afford another, then it makes perfect sense... On the social scene, the Lion is going to divorce the Lioness. The Lioness has built up quite a reputation by frolicking with young athletic lion cubs, even killing one. The Lion was not amused. Farsia, which already has 11 official languages, is soon to introduce a 12th: KombuisTaal. KombuisTaal is widely spoken on the Vlaktes, and now translators are urgently needed. =========================================================================== 6. Motivational / Inspirational If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn. If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight. If a child lives with fear, he learns to be apprehensive. If a child lives with pity, he learns to feel sorry for himself. If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy. If a child lives with jealousy, he learns what envy is. If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty. If a child lives with encouragement, he learns to be confident. If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient. If a child lives with praise, he learns to be appreciative. If a child lives with acceptance, he learns to love. If a child lives with recognition, he learns that it is good to have a goal. If a child lives with sharing, he learns about generosity. If a child lives with honesty and fairness, he learns what truth and justice are. If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith in those around him. If a child lives with friendliness, he learns that the world is a nice place in which to live. If YOU live with serenity, your child will live with peace of mind. =========================================================================== 7. Science / Technology Researchers at Los Alamos National Labratories have developed a data storage technique that uses an ion beam to inscribe data in a space the size of 500 atoms, and save it for up to 5000 years. The technique has been used to store the equivalent of 12 000 (or 180 CD-ROMs) [One of those must be wrong - Ian] onto a 1 inch (2.5cm) long pin of stainless steel. A new type of circuit board is soon to hit the PC world, which will enable them to display colourful 3-D graphics. The graphics, which can be seen without special 3-D glasses, give PC displays an enhanced sense of depth. Experts expect them to be wisespread within two years. Scientists in the USA have developed a technique called chromosome painting to detect damaged stretches of human DNA. They were then able to detect when bits of one chromosome broke off and joined another. These 'translocations' are implicated in causing cancer. The blood of babies born to smoking mothers had 50% more tranlocations than that of babies born to non-smoking mothers. Joe Barbera, creator of The Flintstones, The Jetsons, etc, now signs his limited edition cels (one frame from an animated film) with an ink that is laced with his own genetic material. This is so that it will be possible to recognise all the forgeries of his work that are in circulation. The ink can be verified by a hand held scanner. A new battery design, based on solid-polymer lithium technology, can be recharged more than 1000 times, with only a tiny loss of capacity. The previous limit for recharging lithium batteries was 200 times. It is also able to be made in many diferent shapes, including that of an A4 sheet a fraction of a mm thick. Typical applications will be camcorders, laptops, and cell phones. When I was at varsity, I never did buy that silly theory from Einstein that the speed of light is an absolute limit - i.e. that it is impossible to go faster than 300 000 000 m/s. Of course, I was right.. scientists have now discovered some light which travels faster than the speed of light. Some quotes from an article in the British mag, New Scientist: "The researchers found that the tunneling photons seemed to have travelled at 1,7 times the speed of light." "..Mozart's 40th symphony hopped the 12 cm of space at 4,7 times the speed of light. What's more, he has a recording to prove it." The blue lights (don't know about here in SA) in the toilets of restaurants and discos are there to stop drug addicts injecting themselves in the toilets. You can't see your blue veins under blue light. Standard Bank has introduced a radio-linked credit card authorisation facility in some shopping outlets. This works much faster than the normal dial-up credit checks. AT&T have announced GlobeSpan, a transceiver set for modems that will allow data transmissions up to 6.312 Mbps [read that again..] in one direction. The other direction will allow 64Kbps. The Taiwanese government has approved plans to allow their manufacturers to clone Intel's P6 and P7 as soon as they become available. Should lead to some interesting pricing... Sony has announced a new operating system for interactive multimedia systems. IBM and Sun are interested... Philips want to build a wrist video-watch that will allow on-the-fly links, with voice response technology. They also want to include WWW surfing ability. Windoze 95: I wasn't sure where to put this, guess here will be OK. Since MicroSoft has done a great job telling us all how wonderful Windows 95 is, here is the bad news.... Journalist Robert X. Cringely reported problems getting Win95 to copy files - it repeatedly screwed them up instead. Also, Microsoft's Cinemania 95 will overwrite some Win95 system files, leaving you with a mess. He also reports that Compuserve's WinCIM has major problems running under Win95. Also, CD-ROMs may be visible to the system, but you can't read them over a LapLink cable (once you get THAT to work). Furthermore, Win3.1 screensavers imported into Win95 lose their password protection - just hit alt-ctrl-del to get access to the 'locked' system. There are more than 100 well-known 16-bit Windows 3.1 applications that won't work with Win95, including WordPerfect, Novell's Groupwise, Lotus cc:Mail, and CorelDraw. You WILL need a mouse to use Win95, keyboard navigation is more limited than in Win3.1. Many 16-bit anti-virus programs will no longer work in Win95, but 16 bit viruses work just fine. There's no Undelete, or Unformat. No Basic. No Recorder. You get long file names, but still have the space-wasting FAT system. Win3.1 proggies all end up in the same memory space, making crashes likely. Win95 has almost zero security compared to WinNT. The FAT supports maximum partitions of 2GB. If you choose that, your minimum sector size is 32k.. which means a file 20 bytes long also takes 32k... talk about wasting space... Microsoft has apparently used a new format which puts 16.8M on a stiffy, in an attempt to stop software pirates. One press report said that the new format means that the disks cannot be duplicated in a normal stiffy drive. How odd.... guess they never heard of FDread (and similar), and TeleDisk (and similar). IBM tried the same stunt with their Beta versions of OS/2 Warp. I know people who had no problems making copies of the disks... 24 August 1995 also marked the day that Microsoft started charging for support.... Wonder how much money Bill actually wants.... =========================================================================== 8. Advertising / The Media If we had to believe TV ads.... According to Kellogs, our wheat is harvested by an all-American family (Mom, Pop, & the two kids), entirely by hand... According to Vodacom, the appropriate time and place to call your mother is when you are in the bath... Ever seen a bath in a rugby changing room? You know that ad where the little boy stands up in class and says: "Hello my name is Jason I am six years old and when I grow up I want to be a pirate." [That's what he said...] ? Well, what company is it an advert for?.... Did-you-know department: the roadside vendor in the Vodacom "Yebo Gogo" ad is actually a Nigerian professor... I really enjoyed the 'new improved' version of the ad.. The SABC, well know for its recent attempts to convince us that gibberish was actually English as spoken in SA, has introduced two new words to the lexicon: left-tenant apparently some sort of military rank pleece some sort of anti-crime unit The following ad is being played to death on SAfm: ..And now Ding Dong Tubuler tells us how he beat a tough opponent: "Last weenter I had a sore throte but, as usual, my treiner came threw with goood advice: Fytit with TieSie Pee antiseptic liquid. So!, if YOU have a sore throat, or a throat infection, knockthemout in the first round bye garg!ling with TieSie Pee. Its justlike mee - a stroong fyter." Give YOUR throat a fighting chance this winter with TieSie Pee. Whoops! dept: I consulted the Concise Oxford English dictionary and was horrified to find that lieutenant IS pronounced leftenant...:-( Pick 'n Pay has announced 'food price subsidies'. Where do these subsidies come from? Their profits. And where do their profits come from? From you, the consumer. So if they had charged less before, it would not now be necessary to 'subsidise' food prices. I guess a sale is not a sale when you call it a subsidy. IMHO, a sale is simply proof that the buyers goofed and bought too much of the wrong stuff... I see that hard working firemen now have an option when it comes to relaxing after a hot fire. Instead of a Bar One, they can now enjoy a beer instead. I suppose Coke will be next to follow suit... Heard on SAfm: "I have complained until I am blue in the face, or grey, or whatever a Black person becomes"... Heard on SAfm: words to the effect of "we had mostly effluent white visitors before..." =========================================================================== 9. Health Ok, you are all going to think Ian has lost his marbles. Actually I had very few to begin with - never was very good at marbles in junior school.. Did you Know Dept: the combination of a Western diet, coupled with a silly Western invention, has resulted in over 95% of us being constipated without knowing it? This leads to food clogging up your colon, and decaying there, instead of getting kicked out. This process produces foul gases and allows toxic chemicals to be absorbed by the colon, which is not exactly good for your health. Changing your eating habits will help. For example, your stomach can't digest concentrated protein (like meat) and concentrated starch (like potatoes) at the same time. So both get half digested. This results in reduced nutriets being taken from the food, and the food decaying further as it progresses through your gut. This causes gas and acid indigestion. Another simple thing you can do is change the way you use that silly Western invention, the modern toilet. Sitting on the toilet bends your colon in a way not conducive to effective operation. A much better way, which is completely natural, and in keeping with the design of your body, is to squat on the toilet. Lift the seat up, climb up on the basin, face in the usual direction, drop your pants, and squat. [Woman will need a slightly different approach]. Your knees should end up near your shoulders. Hold onto a towel rail or similar for support and balance if needed. You will find that things happen much faster and more efficiently in this posture, and there is less mess to clean up. =========================================================================== 10. Humour Some comparitive philosophy: Taoist - Sht happens. Confucian - Confucious say: Sht happens. Buddhist - If sht happens, it is not necessarily sht. Zen - What happens if sht doesn't happen? Islamic - If sht happens it is the will of Allah. Jewish - Why does this sht always happen to us? Catholic - Let the sht happen to others. Calvinist - If sht happens, you deserve it. Black Muslim - Let the sht happen, brother! Amish - This sht makes good fertiliser. Rastafarian - Let's smoke this sht, mon. Atheist - Sht doesn't happen. Agnostic - I don't know if sht happens. Communist - Come the Revolution, there'll be none of this sht happening. Capitalist - Wanna buy some sht? Africanist - Burn down the shthouse. Hedonist - Enjoy a good sht. August of course saw the worldwide release of MicroSoft Windows 95. For those of you unable to afford it, here is a way to get your own copy: Recipe for Windows 95 Ingredients: 2 cups of Windows 3.11 1 cup of Windows for Workgroups 3.11 1 tbps of Microsoft Lan Man 1/2 cup Netware WINUP9.ZIP from ftp.novell.com 1 cup free Microsoft 32bit TCP/IP from their BBS 1 cup of MS-DOS 1 cup of OS/2 Warp 1/2 cup of 32-bit developers extensions to Windows 1 large mixing bowl 1 saucepan 1 oven set at 350 In saucepan on low, boil WFW311 until only networking items remain. Combine MS 32bit TCP/IP, LanMan and Netware, stirring constantly to ensure an even mix. In large mixing bowl, place regular Win311. Massage until device driver structure is totally unrecognizable, guaranteeing most current drivers unrunnable. Replace with unknown and proprietary drivers, making sure to only add support for the most popular hardware options. Place the MS-DOS onto a cutting board. With a large meat cleaver, hack off Doublespace, Backup, and half of the useful DOS commands. Place the remains into the bowl, setting aside the hidden files MSDOS.SYS. Place OS/2 Warp on cutting board, hack off HPFS, Crash-proofing, pre-emptive multitasking, and everything else useful, leaving something that resembles the Workplace Shell in appearance. Place this into bowl. With hidden boot files from MSDOS, CAREFULLY combine with 32-bit extensions. Place into bowl. With large wooden spoon, vigorously mix contents in bowl, permitting computer rag reporters occasional glimpses into the mess. Place contents into bread pan and bake at a low heat for a couple of years. When a Microsoft application can be inserted and withdrawn without clumps sticking, pronounce done. (It doesn't matter if non-Microsoft apps stick or not) I almost forgot the last line of the Recipe! Ram unpalatable mixture down the public's throat! Write on the package 'All New Formula' The Top 14 Things People Think The 95 In Windows95 Really Stands For -------------------------------------------------------------------- 14] The number of bugs (or as chairman bill likes to say, "undocumented features") in the thing. 13] The number of ideas stolen directly from the Mac. 12] The number of weeks it will take to ship beyond the expected date. 11] The percentage that will be complete on the shipping date. 10] The number of floppies it will ship on. 9] The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware. 8] The number of megabytes of hard disk space required. 7] The number of pages in the *EASY-INSTALL* version of the manual. 6] The percentage of existing windows programs that won't run in the new OS. 5] The number of minutes to install. 4] The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run. 3] The number of people who will actually PAY for the upgrade. 2] The number MHz required for the OS to run. And now the #1 thing people think the 95 in Windows95 really stands for.. Drum roll please... 1] The year it was *DUE* to ship. Since Microsoft is launching this major new product, it is likely that their helpline will be well used... Imagine a GM HelpLine... General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how to drive. Imagine if they did ... (Think of a computer software or hardware helpline) -!- HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!" HelpLine: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?" Customer: "What's an ignition?" HelpLine: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine." Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?" -!- HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer: "My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!" HelpLine: "Is the gas tank empty?" Customer: "Huh? How do I know?" HelpLine: "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?" Customer: "It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?" HelpLine: "It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you." Customer: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!" -!- HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer: "Your cars suck!" HelpLine: "What's wrong?" Customer: "It crashed, that's what wrong!" HelpLine: "What were you doing?" Customer: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and it won't start now! HelpLine: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?" Customer: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash any more!" HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer: "Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks." HelpLine: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?" Customer: "How do I work it?" HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?" Customer: "Do I know how to what?" HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?" Customer: "I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car!" Microsoft also had problems recently with the US Justice Department, about their inclusion of a utility in Win95 able to access the Microsoft Network. This is a network that charges you for what you can get free elsewhere on the InterNet... which brings us to a classic legal joke... Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb into his light bulb. A2: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, is you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb .... A3: ... Whereas the party of the first part, also known as Lawyer, and the party of the second part, also known as Light Bulb, do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, throught the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet. Any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to the following steps: 1) The party of the first part shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable. 2) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part becomes seperated from the party of the third part, also known as Receptacle, the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing the party of the second part in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and disposal statutes. 3) Once seperation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part, also known a New Light Bulb. This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedure described in step one (1) of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also non-negotiable. NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part, by any or all persons authorized by him, the object to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as the Partnership. ___ ,-~~-.____. (_ `-~~~--. / ()=( () \ \ ( _- ( \ ( ( O ARE _)o) ( :_ \._\, ,---- ' YOU - `-,__ ) ##XXXxxxxxxxx ) ) / ___,~; NUTS? ---, ` / /~:- / ,^^^^_ =( ~~ : \ \ /~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~\ | \^^\ /_________________________\ |______''' /____________________________\ /________\ :_______________________: _: :__: :_______________________: ~__~____~ This brilliant Dr Seuss ripoff lifted from Computer Week, who lifted it from the Net. Dr Seuss? Remember The Cat in the Hat?.... Here's an easy game to play Here's an easy thing to say If a packet hits a packet on a socket on a port And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report! If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash! You can't say this? What a shame sir! We'll find you Another game, sir. If the label on the cable on the table at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall And your screen is distorted by the side-effect gauss So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your MOM. =========================================================================== 11. NetNews I want interesting WWW sites to feature here - please forward to my email address above. Thanks. I have not checked all these below, please shout if any don't work, my sources may have made typos... http://OS2.iafrica.com/sanlam/ Sanlam's home page. http://www.daimler-benz.com Daimler-Benz (who make Mercs etc) http://www.digibd.com DigiBoard home page http://www.hjheinz.com/tenders/ Heinz foods http://www.org.com pointer to Open Software Foundation http://www.jpl.nasa.gov/sespd/ NASA space and earth science programs http://ulysses.jpl.nasa.gov/ NASA Ulysses mission (studing sun) http://beast/cc/emery.ude/jargon30/jargon.html Computer jargon, jokes, etc http://fox.nstn.ca/~at_info/w100_intro.html links to world's top 100 corps. http://www.phoenix.ca/ibg Internet Business Guide http://www.inter-law.com/ free legal resources http://wwwuniulm.de/~richter/udiwww/index.html German net browser http://www.internet.net Shopping network http://www.mathsoft.com Mathcad 6.0 home page http://www.tandem.com Tandem Computers home page http://smurf-land.cit.buffalo.edu/NetMan/index.html Network Management http://www.folio.com Folio Infobase Server http://www.eds.com Electronic Data Services http://www.southernlife.co.za Southern Life home page http://www.aztec.co.za/biz/cpsa Anglican Church in SA home page http://africa.com/pages/jse/page1.html Investment info, including JSE http://www.icepp.s.u-tokyo.ac.jp/ to protest French Nuclear tests http://www.tesre.bo.cnr.it/Research/SAX/Mission Italian space mission http://seclab.cs.ucdavis.edu/ Computer Security lab of U of California http://www.support.lotus.com/ Lotus support http://rhmap.gen.cam.ac.uk:8081/Library/Libraryhomepage.html Genetic stuff gopher://gopher.adp.wisc.edu:70/11/.browse/.METASGIEW Earthwatch scripts http://oceania.org/world_health World Health net http://www.niagara.com Niagara falls - real time video http://www.acm.org/sigdisk ACM magazine excerpts http://www.safesurf.com/ The SafeSurf 'parental-control' browser alive@sabc.co.za SAfm's AMLive news actuality program http://www.polity.org.za/govdocs/green_papers/telecomms/html http://wn.apc.org/technology/telecoms/greenpaper.html Sites for economics students: gopher://cs.muohio.edu:70/1 gopher://umslvma.umsl.edu:70/11/library/govdocs gopher://gopher.great-lakes.net:2200/11/partners/ChicagoFed http://www.vanderbilt.edu/Owen/froeb/antitrust/antitrust.html http://www.etla.fi/pkm/joke.html http://www.census.gov/ http://cansim.epas.utoronto.ca:5680/pwt/pwt.html http://ptolemy.gis.virginia.edu:1080/reis1.html http://econwpa.wustl.edu/EconFAQ/EconFAQ.html http://www.whitehouse.gov/ http://thomas.loc.gov/ ftp://csf.colorado.edu/psn/Marx Free tips for succesful Web sites: send a Send Tips! subject line to okeefe@olympus.net. You can order the book "Marketing on the Internet" from HTTP://www.oak-ridge.com/orr.html HTTP://lycos.cs.cmu.edu/ has 3.6 million URL's and indexes 783 000 documents. HTTP://www.opentext.com knows 9.7 million links to 400 000 documents. Also try HTTP://www.infoseek.com; HTTP://webcrawler.cs.washington.edu; and HTTP://harvest.cs.colorado.edu Oracle will ship a product this year that allows corporations to easily deploy complex software programs across the Internet. This will basically allow you to use the Internet as easily as you use your LAN at the moment. Imagine doing database queries from around the world, as if it was in the same building. Telkom is set to become an InterNet service provider. No one knows yet at what level they will enter the market. The market in SA is worth around R10M a year. =========================================================================== 12. Recipes Ian's Delicious Beetroot Salad: This is much tastier and healthier than commercial beetroot salad. Also fast and cheap to make. Ingredients: Typical quantity, serves 2 - 4 raw beetroot, cleaned 1 large bulb raw carrots, cleaned 3-4 small carrots apple cider vinegar um, 2-3 quick pours.. salt / garlic salt to taste honey 1 desert spoon Method: You should have more or less 50:50 of beetroot:carrot. Grate the carrots and beetroot. (Or even better, use the chopping blade in a food processor.) Mix together. The carrot will also turn red. Add salt, honey and lastly, apple cider vinegar. Do NOT use grape vinegar (Yugh!). Mix well, and refridgerate. Will keep well for a few days, improving with age... :-) =========================================================================== 13. Things to Think About If a fire suddenly broke out in your home, and you only had time to save what you could carry with you on your immediate exit, what would you take? ===========================================================================