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"My wife and I found the secret to a peaceful marriage several years 
 ago - separate bedrooms.  I sleep in the east bedroom and she sleeps 
 in a different part of town." - Mike Nichols
 
"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
 keep her." - Sacha Guitry

"After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just 
 can't face each other, but still they stay together." - Hemant Joshi
 
"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. 
 If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher." - Socrates
 
"Woman inspires us to great things and prevents us from achieving them."
- Alexandre Dumas

"The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 
 'What does a woman want?'" - Sigmund Freud

"I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me." 
- Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to 
 a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music
 and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." - Henry Youngman
 
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."  
- Sam Kinison
 
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic 
 banking. It's called marriage." - James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the 
 second one didn't." - Patrick Murray

"Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming: 
 1) Whenever you're wrong, admit it;  
 2) Whenever you're right, shut up." 
- Ogden Nash

"The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
 once." - Anonymous

"You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to." 
- Henny Youngman
 
"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met." 
- Rodney Dangerfield

"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong." 
- Milton Berle

"Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy." - Anonymous


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[Contributed by Peter Woods]

"Bachelors know more about women than married men. If they did not they
 would have married too."
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe