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DECLARATION OF ANNEXING THE BRITISH ISLES AS PART OF THE USA
A message to the imperialist British colonizers:
In the light of your indecision over joining a common European Currency,
your dissatisfaction with the European Union, your bickering with
European Governments and the fact that you already almost speak our
language and refuse to speak any other European languages, you are to be
annexed as the 51st State of America.
Your state code will be GB. Zip codes will be assigned to replace your
old postal districts. The state capital will be Stratford-upon-Avon,
which is a lot prettier than London. Princess Diana will be declared
a saint. You have already assimilated so much American culture that you
are unlikely to notice the transition. To aid in the assimilation, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't
always correct in your pronunciation or spelling.
Look up "aluminum" in any good American Dictionary. Check the spelling
and pronunciation guide. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the
name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage
the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of
other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the
original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we
dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the
process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and
a Frenchman (not an Englishman). Learn to live with it.
You are, of course welcome to your idiosyncratic and illogical
place-names such as Edinburgh. If you wanted it pronounced "Eddinburra",
you ought to have spelled it that way in the first place.
You will quit using words such as "fortnight". The correct term is
"a two week period". You will learn words such as "credenza", "intern"
and "chad".
There is no such thing as "UK English". UK English is the relic of a
defunct colonialist power which attempted to impose British English
linguistic superiority on a nation which has a higher number of English
speakers. Microsoft is aware of this, on your behalf, you know?
Your film-makers should learn to distinguish the American and Canadian
accents. American accents are not limited to redneck drawls or New York
accents. Mainland Americans have more than enough accents to cope with
in our own country, so all British dramas will now bear subtitles,
especially those made in impenetrable dialects such as Scottish, Scouse
or Geordie. To make life easier for mainland America, all British films
and TV programs must use American vocabulary and accents; Scotch
characters will wear plaid, Irish characters will have shamrocks on
them, English characters will wear bowler hats and pinstripes, and Welsh
characters will not be used since there are no notable Welsh Americans.
The British film industry will no longer portray all Americans as
cowboys, rednecks, trailer trash or Beverly Hills billionaires.
Hollywood will continue to use "Mockney" and "Posh" British accents as
this makes it easier for viewers to identify which characters are
British. You can have Hugh Grant back. He's a lousy actor and we don't
want him either. All British films will be made in Hollywood where the
weather and scenery are better. Your film industry is already unable to
make a halfway-decent film which doesn't contain a American in the
starring role. All American characters should be "good guys".
You will learn your new national anthem, "The Star Spangled Banner".
It shall be sung every morning at kindergarten, high school, university
and your places of work. Your Union Flag will be hung up any damn way we
wish, so stop bitching about it being upside down. If there was meant
to be a right way up you should have made it simpler. All Union flags
will be replaced by the Stars and Stripes over a two week period.
You should stop playing soccer and rugby. There is no need to have two
games, one of which is confusingly like football and one of which is
called football but patently isn't real football. If it doesn't require
45 pounds of padding, it isn't football. You should also stop playing
cricket. Americans can't understand the rules. If you insist on playing
this game which is only played by former British colonies, you will
introduce a simplified scoring system, timeouts, colored (note spelling)
strips and cheerleaders to make it more interesting. Any match which
takes longer than 90 minutes will be declared a draw.
In films, as in real life, we decide who the bad guys are. The bad guys
are those guys who don't do as we tell them. They are also the guys who
attract the biggest audiences into movie theaters. You will cease using
the word "cinema". They are "movie theaters". The snippets of
forthcoming films are not "trailers", they are "teasers".
November 5th is no longer a day for fireworks. It is July 4th which is
the appropriate fireworks festival. If you want a big fireworks party on
November 5th, we will help you to blow up your Houses of Parliament.
You won't be needing them any longer; Disneyland London will be situated
there.
Hunting with packs of dogs is also banned. Instead, you will go hunting
with a pick-up truck, some six-packs of Bud, two coonhounds and enough
guns and ammo to equip a private militia.
There is also no such activity as "caravanning". It is called "camping".
The thing boy scouts do with tents and bedrolls is called "tenting".
Roundabouts will be banned. What is the point of turning left in order
to turn right? They are confusing to Americans and are death traps.
You will start driving on the right with immediate effect. Most of the
world drives on the right already. You will be allowed to turn right on
a red light if safe to do so - though you must check local county
legislation as this is not permitted in all areas.
Those things which you call chips are cholesterol-soaked abominations.
You will start to eat fries - light fluffy potato in crisp coating.
If you want to eat British-style fried potato sticks you will need a
certificate from your doctor and good medical insurance.
Beer is to be served cold. The warm, flat drink you call "beer" is
properly termed "ale" and the FDA have determined it to be unfit for
human consumption. You will also learn the difference between crackers,
cookies and biscuits to avoid causing unnecessary confusion to mainland
Americans. And perhaps when you finally realize the French aren't the
spawn of Satan they'll teach you how to cook.
All inter-personal communications between family members, even if
resident in the same house, must be through a lawyer. It is compulsory
to sue somebody at least once per year - be inventive. It is compulsory
to have therapy three times each week and to recover false memories of
your childhood which allow you to sue your parents and your therapist.
Therapy, like, will take the place of speaking to family members.
You will be given compulsory courses on how to become dysfunctional.
Name your children after interesting medical conditions.
You may not have guns. In the eyes of Mainland Americans you are
wayward children. Children are not permitted to play with firearms
unless they have a legitimate reason to do so, i.e. they plan to gun
down the population of a small town or school (self-defense) or
slaughter every living creature within a 50-mile (not kilometre) radius.
We call this hunting.
And we'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".
Thank you for your co-operation. You will be assimilated.
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[Pulled off www.snopes.com]
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings...
they did it by killing everyone who opposed them.
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