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REVOCATION OF AMERICAN STATE OF INDEPENDENCE
A message to the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your repetitive failure to elect a competent President
of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which
she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a
governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress
and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next
year to determine whether any of you actually noticed. To aid in the
transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are
introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium", and check the pronunciation guide. You will
be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it all along.
The letter "U" will be reinstated in words such as "favour", "colour"
and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without
skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by
the suffix "ise".
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. Look up "vocabulary", if necessary.
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such
as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into
account the reinstated letter "u" and the elimination of "ize".
You will re-learn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only
be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out
without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not mature
enough to handle firearms. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to
own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit
will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you'll understand what we mean.
All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will
go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
British sense of humour.
The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (the previously-used term
"gasoline" will henceforth be taboo) - at roughly $6/US gallon. Get used
to it.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips
are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick-cut, fried in animal
fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to
as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as Lager. The substances formerly known as "American Beer"
will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the
exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product
will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow
true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen,
Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
Hollywood will be required to occasionally cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
English roles. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in
"Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's
ears removed with a cheese grater.
You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time,
be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside
of America. However, since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation,
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[Contributed by Peter Woods, and NOT attributed to John Cleese!]
"Now they know how many holes it takes to fill the Albert Hall..."
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