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 1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Joburg driver 
    never uses them. On BMW and Mercedes cars indicators are not fitted.

 2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between 
    yourself and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled 
    by two Golfs, a BMW and a Hi-Ace taxi, putting you in an even more 
    dangerous situation.

 3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance of 
    getting hit. 

 4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign!
    No-one expects it and it will only result in you being rear-ended.

 5. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that 
    your ABS kicks in - giving you a nice, relaxing foot massage as the
    brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance 
    to stretch your legs.

 6. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's a good 
    way to check if the people entering the highway are awake.

 7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a guideline. 
    They are especially not applicable in Randburg during rush hour. 
    That's why it's called "rush hour"...

 8. Just because you're in the right lane and have no room to speed up 
    or move over doesn't mean that a Joburg driver flashing his high 
    beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your place.

 9. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even 
    someone changing a tire. Never stop to help - you will be mugged.

10. Learn to swerve abruptly. Gauteng is the home of high-speed slalom 
    driving thanks to the Road Works Department, which puts holes in key
    locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

11. It is traditional in Sandton to honk your horn at cars that don't 
    move the instant the light turns green. This prevents storks from 
    building nests on top of the traffic light and minahs from making 
    deposits on your car.

12. Remember that the goal of every Johannesburg driver is to get there
    first - by whatever means necessary.

13. In township areas, "flipping someone the bird" is considered a 
    polite Gauteng salute. This gesture should always be returned.

14. On average, at least three cars can still go through an intersection
    after the light has turned red. It's people not adhering to this 
    basic principle that cause the big traffic jams during rush hour.

15. A solid white line means the same as a staggered line in Gauteng. 
    The Metro Police Department just have to save paint to buy new cars
    for all the new directors. A solid white line next to a staggered 
    line means they have sorted the directors out and the paint contract
    has been awarded to their wives.


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[Pulled off www.gpsa.co.za]

A critic is someone who knows the way, but can't drive the car.