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Part I (the B.C. years)
3050 B.C. A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea
is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby
establishing the business code of ethics.
2900 B.C. Egyptians create Sphinx, one of Seven Great Wonders of
the Ancient, but refuse to talk about it.
1850 B.C. Britons announce Operation Stonehenge a success after
arranging slabs in a sufficiently meaningless pattern to
confuse scientists for centuries to come.
1785 B.C. First calendar introduced by Babylonian scientists.
1768 B.C. Babylonians experience winter in June.
776 B.C. The world's first known money appears in Persia. World's
first known counterfeiter appears in Persia next day.
525 B.C. The first Olympics are held in Greece. Russia enters
six footer with a moustache in women's shot put.
410 B.C. Rome ends the practice of enslaving debtors, removing
biggest single obstacle to the development of the credit
card.
404 B.C. The Peloponnesian war enters its 27th year because
neither side is able to find a treaty writer who can
spell "Peloponnesian".
214 B.C. Tens of thousands of Chinese people complete 1,500 mile
long Great Wall. Neighbour's dog gets through.
1 B.C. Calendar manufacturers argue over what to call next year.
Part II (Early A.D.)
79 A.D. Property in Pompeii turns out to be a bad investment.
432 A.D St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, thereby
giving the natives topic to fight about for the rest of
recorded history.
1000 A.D. Leif Ericsson discovers America; decides it's not worth
mentioning.
1043 A.D. Lady Godiva demonstrates against high taxes, causing all
to forget what she is demonstrating against.
1125 A.D. Arabic numerals are introduced to Europe, enabling
peasants to solve how much tax each owes on MMMDCCCLX
Lira when you're in the XXXVI percent bracket.
1233 A.D. Inquisition begins. Practice is so un-Christian it is
permitted to continue for only 600 years.
1297 A.D. World's first stock exchange opens. Few have foresight
to buy Microsoft.
1433 A.D. Portugal launches African slave trade, proving what a
small nation can do with little ingenuity and much evil.
1456 A.D. English judge reviews Joan of Arc's case and cancels her
death sentence of 1431.
1492 A.D. Columbus lands in Bahamas, names it "San Salvador",
and calls the natives "Indians".
1497 A.D. Amerigo Vespucci becomes the first to think of naming
the new world in honour of himself... the United States
of Vespuccia!
1508 A.D. Michelangelo accedes to the Pope's demands to paint
ceiling of Sistine Chapel, but refuses to wash windows.
1513 A.D. Ponce de Leon finds the Fountain of Youth, but dies of
old age trying to remember where.
1522 A.D. Scientists, who know the world is flat, conclude that
Magellan made it all the way around by crawling across
the bottom.
1568 A.D. Upset by the slander of his good name, Russian leader
kills 100,000 peasants to make them stop calling him
Ivan the Terrible.
1607 A.D. Indians laugh themselves silly as first European tourist
to visit Virginia tries to register as "John Smith".
1618 A.D. Britain executes Sir Walter Raleigh, but allow his
tobacco plants to live.
1642 A.D. The first nine students to receive Bachelor of Arts
degrees in America, discover there are no jobs available
for a kid with a liberal arts education.
1670 A.D. Pilgrims, busy burning witches, fail to observe golden
anniversary of winning religious freedom.
1755 A.D. Samuel Johnson issues the first English Dictionary, at
last providing children with a source of dirty words.
1758 A.D. New Jersey is chosen as the site of America's first
Indian reservation, giving Indians an idea of living
conditions they can expect.
1763 A.D. The French and Indian War ends. Both sides lose.
1770 A.D. The shooting of three people in the Boston Massacre
touches off the Revolution. 200 Years later, three
shootings in Boston are average for a Saturday Night.
1773 A.D. Colonists dump tea into Boston Harbour. British call the
act "barbaric", noting that no one added cream.
1776 A.D. Napoleon maintains neutrality during American
Revolution, primarily because he is seven years old.
1779 A.D. John Paul Jones notifies British, "I have just begun to
fight!" and notices his ship is sinking.
1793 A.D. "Let them eat cake!" becomes the most famous thing Marie
Antoinette ever said. Also, the least diplomatic thing
she ever said. And, the last thing she ever said.
1799 A.D. Translation of Rosetta Stone enables scholars to learn
that Egyptian hieroglyphics say fundamental stuff:
"Dear Ramses, How are you? I am fine."
1805 A.D. Robert Fulton invents the torpedo.
1807 A.D. Robert Fulton invents the steamship to provide target
for torpedos.
1815 A.D. Post Office policy is established as Andrew Jackson wins
the Battle of New Orleans a month after letter was
mailed telling him the War of 1812 is over.
1850 A.D. Henry Clay announces, "I'd rather be right than
president," after running for president five times
without winning.
1859 A.D. Charles Darwin writes "Origin of the Species".
Containing same general plot as "Planet of the Apes",
it fails to gross as much money.
1865 A.D. Union Soldiers face greatest challenge of the war:
sobering Grant for Lee's surrender.
1894 A.D. Thomas Edison displays first motion picture, applauded
by all but first movie critics.
1903 A.D. Opening of Trans-Siberian Railway enables passengers
from Moscow to reach Vladivostok in eight days, much
sooner than most desire.
1910 A.D. Founding of Boy Scouts of America comes as bad news to
independent old ladies at traffic lights.
1911 A.D. Rauld Amundsen discovers South Pole and confirms his
suspicions: It looks a lot like the North Pole.
1912 A.D. People with reservations for the voyage of the Titanic
get their money back.
1920 A.D. The 18th Amendment to the Constitution makes drinking
illegal in the U.S. Everyone stops, except for the
40 million who do not.
1924 A.D. Hitler is released from prison four years early, after
convincing parole board he is a changed man.
1928 A.D. Herbert Hoover promises "a chicken in every pot and
a car in every garage," neglecting to add that most
Americans will soon be without both.
1930 A.D. Pluto is discovered. The planet, that is.
The dog wasn't discovered until 1938.
1933 A.D. German housewives begin to realise why wallpaper hanger
with moustache never came back to finish the job.
1933 A.D. Hitler establishes Third Reich, announcing it will last
a thousand years, an error of only 988.
1934 A.D. John Dillinger, gunned down by police on leaving a
Chicago film theatre, gasps that he didn't like the
movie, either.
1934 A.D. Great Depression, giving businessmen headaches, reaches
climax with birth of Ralph Nader.
1938 A.D. Great Britain and Germany sign a peace treaty, averting
WW II.
1944 A.D. Hitler's promise of a Volkswagen in every German garage
as soon as they've won the war proves to be insufficient
incentive.
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[Found somewhere on Yahoo UK]
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -
they did it by killing everyone who opposed them.
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